Simusid ยท 168 points ยท Posted at 04:12:35 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Small town politics. Father and son both serve on the same local board. Father is a local character, odd but his heart is in the right place. Son is basically a cross between Dale and Lucky from King of the Hill, sues everyone, and is a constant PITA to everyone.
Son tried to create a shitstorm over some trivial thing and justified it by saying "I'm afraid it puts the town at risk." Father, on camera, blurts out, "Every time you open your mouth you put this town at risk" Brutal but true. Oh and son ran for another office, father campaigned for the opponent. Thanksgiving must be great at their house.
Guy in my class in junior high had psoriasis and had to use a Vaseline type cream on his scalp, making his hair super greasy. We had a young male substitute teacher and the student kept ribbing him all class... just constantly bugging him, saying things like he could tell he's never taught before, he should consider a new job, etc. etc. Really annoying. Finally the teacher looks at him and says, "Well at least I didn't comb my hair with a pork chop this morning before coming to school." Whole class erupts. Kid didn't say a word after that.
Edit: grammar
[deleted] ยท 623 points ยท Posted at 06:18:57 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Jesus, if you're an easy target you've gotta be stupid to try that shit
fullarr ยท 27 points ยท Posted at 13:16:44 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Some people that are easy targets attack others as a means of defense. Strike first and win mentality
[deleted] ยท 12 points ยท Posted at 14:42:26 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Just dont be a cunt and people won't be a cunt to you
[deleted] ยท 18 points ยท Posted at 15:08:22 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Nah if someone is a cunt to you, be a cunt back. That doesn't make you a cunt.
But if you start the cuntishness you've only yourself to blame.
I call it the circle of cunts.
Coppersqh ยท 12 points ยท Posted at 15:33:22 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Circuntventing.
tiger1296 ยท -1 points ยท Posted at 17:54:51 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
You sweet summer child
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:35:44 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
No no no, you don't get the circle of cunts. If someone's a cunt and you're a cunt back you're not a cunt, you're just doing a natural response.
Dont perpetuate the startong of the circle, less cunts in the world, less people to be a cunt to you. Simple isn't it, if you act like a cunt you'll get what's coming to you which is usually a seriously good kicking, 2 ruptured balls and reconstructive facial surgery.
See that kinda bothered me, I know bullying happens a lot and it can be really bad and certainly their are true victims. But at least at my high school anyone who got "bullied" really had a bad personality and was kinda repulsed by the school because they were just plain mean, not nerdy and easy targets like they always say.
[deleted] ยท 42 points ยท Posted at 07:39:09 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Kid probably convinced himself everyone else thinks it is hair gel and thus didn't think of himself as an easy target. But I'm sure that changed that day.
My dad told me sex before marriage was haram this one time when I was younger. So when I got a girlfriend in high school, he demanded that I show him my dick after every time I hung out with her to make sure we didn't commit acts of haram. It seemed peculiar at first, but eventually I got used to taking my dick out for Haram bae.
gotfondue ยท 17 points ยท Posted at 06:47:05 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
As someone with psoriasis this probably ruined the kids self esteem. Psoriasis is not currently curable and some forms can be really bad. It keeps me from doing a lot of things. Sometimes even though I'm an adult I still get pretty embarrassed when someone doesn't know and asks what the marks are on my arms.
[deleted] ยท 38 points ยท Posted at 08:01:50 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
It sucks the kid had (and still probably has) psoriasis, but he was rude to the substitute teacher. Having an illness does not excuse a person from being a petty bitch, nor should it excuse them from repercussion.
-muse ยท -13 points ยท Posted at 09:20:28 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Kid versus teacher though.. I don't know man.
[deleted] ยท 11 points ยท Posted at 09:29:16 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
He learnt a lesson that day. Dont be an ass. Also, dont be rude to people or you get smoked.
-muse ยท -16 points ยท Posted at 09:44:06 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I don't agree with it.
[deleted] ยท 9 points ยท Posted at 12:35:41 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Children need to learn repercussions. It's one thing for the boy to defend himself from people bullying him, but nobody was bullying him in that interaction. The boy was being the asshole and he got what he deserved. Besides, the substitute wasn't unnecessarily harsh to the boy. The kid would live.
-muse ยท -6 points ยท Posted at 15:03:16 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
It's a fucking teacher. Whatever, I'm not discussing this. I don't agree with it, and that should be fine.
[deleted] ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 16:59:28 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
From your tone, I feel like you think I'm arguing with you, but I promise I'm not. I was just stating my belief on the matter. Didn't mean to bother you.
-muse ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 19:02:42 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
It's not necessarily you. I blame the downvotes.
conquer69 ยท -7 points ยท Posted at 09:52:27 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Maybe the kid was being a dick because others made fun of his psoriasis before. He probably thought "the popular kids make everyone laugh by bullying me, maybe I can make others laugh if I bully the substitute teacher. He looks like an easy target."
I'm not saying having an incurable illness excuses it but maybe it explains it. Like the mass shooter that had a damaged frontal lobe due to constant abuse.
Yeah, teachers making fun of kids' medical issues does not really sit well with me.
"At least I'm not suffering from an autoimmune disease," is just not something anyone should say to a kid, much less a teacher.
If he's too sensitive to shrug off some heckling from a seventh grader, he really should consider a new job. He's too much of a bully for teaching.
gotfondue ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:58:02 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Exactly!!! I ignored all the other responses because I never said it was ok for the kid to do it. Which is everyone's defense but as an adult you take those things, kids can't.
beboola ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 11:48:43 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I have it too. Why would the kid be using a cream for his scalp? I used a foam medication that didn't do anything to my hair, but I used the cream for the psoriasis around my eyes.
Plot twist: I developed psoriasis at about 20 years old and had it on 50% or more of my body. Really understood him a lot better. Been an a trial drug now for years and it has completely disappeared.
I've had psoriasis for 15+ years, but that isn't an excuse for me to be mean to someone and NOT expect them to be mean back because of my self-esteem.
I had flakes everywhere when I was first diagnosed in middle school which was embarrassing, but folks around me helped dust me off or said "psst, ya got a potato chip thing in your hair" until I could figure out a routine. I don't think they would have been so kind if I was throwing out insults.
Zer0_210 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 13:03:59 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
OMFG, Tyrannosaurus Rekt.
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 13:12:39 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
If you tried this now, they'd open an administrative investigation into why you hurt the kids feelings.
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 13:31:00 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I was going to be mad because I have psoriasis too and you should never laugh about people with psoriasis?!@!! but then I read that the kid was a douchebag and I was like... hellll yeah
If a teacher is so sensitive that he resorts to making fun of the kid's autoimmune disease after a bit of heckling, he really should consider a new job.
My stepfather has psoriasis we were out to eat once and the waitress was being a bitch. She at one point looked at his arm and made a disgusted have about his psoriasis. So he scratched his arm a lot and left a huge pile of skin flakes on the table when we left. He still tipped and everything, just had to get his little revenge in.
ehho ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 08:16:26 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I think it sounded harmless to everyone else but hit insecurities in the kid (he was quiet after the burn). Sure he was a dick, but he shouldn't get burned about something he is insecure about from a teacher.
[deleted] ยท -71 points ยท Posted at 04:05:56 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
My high school friend had a few acquaintances and his older brother owned a muscle car, so they'd occasionally pick us up from school and drive around in it, and the older brother loved to drag race random people.
So he pulls up to the light and the dude in the left lane is the substitute teacher from my Spanish class. Sub is on board with the drag race. Older brother smokes the substitute teacher, ends up brake-checking him.
When Piers Morgan tweeted that he'd never let Ben Carson near his brain, someone responded, "he's a brain surgeon, not a proctologist."
maqusan ยท 2112 points ยท Posted at 05:34:19 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)*
Speaking of savage comebacks to Piers Morgan: Morgan was talking shit about Australian (cricket) fast bowlers and challenged Brett Lee to a "duel" at one of the Ashes matches.
Lee sent 6 100mph+ balls straight at his body. Hit him with four. Broke his ribs.
By god it was glorious.
Edit: To everyone saying it was a bit mean to Morgan, he literally asked for it. He challenged Brett Lee to do it and told him immediately beforehand "don't hold back".
[deleted] ยท 615 points ยท Posted at 06:48:39 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Jesus. Just watched the link. Piers is a class A cunt. This is so satisfying to watch. Just getting fucking drilled with cricket balls.
The best is him falling over in fear when one misses him after the first really brutal rib shot.
maqusan ยท 177 points ยท Posted at 06:54:30 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I loved Vaughan and Warne just creasing up then trying to compose themselves for camera. "Nah, yeah, well played Piers, very brave"
[deleted] ยท 45 points ยท Posted at 08:59:30 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I hate the guy but having watched that I respect him a little more. Takes courage to face up to 100mph balls, I couldn't do it for sure.
yohanf1 ยท 29 points ยท Posted at 09:07:46 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Lee couldn't have been bowling 100mph, he was retired for quite a while at that time. Still would have been 80+mph and very nasty for someone whos not used to that type of bowling.
[deleted] ยท 30 points ยท Posted at 09:20:35 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I stopped playing cricket as a kid when we changed from the orange "windball" (made of plastic) to that heavy fucking red piece of wood!
yohanf1 ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 13:35:25 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Hahaha i get what you mean. Played on a very bouncy track today and i got hit 6 or 7 times.
[deleted] ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 16:32:53 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Says it all really that a professional died the other year when a ball snuck through the gap in his helmet and hit his face full on.
yohanf1 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 16:34:05 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
It didn't do that. It hit him on the back of the neck/head below the protection of the helmet. Freak accident tbh.
[deleted] ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 08:04:43 on September 18, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
cheers, didn't realise, I remembered it as having gone through the gap between the rim of his helmet and the top of the face guard.
JoeHook ยท 18 points ยท Posted at 10:02:41 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)*
Is throwing the ball at someone actually a legitimate part of this sport? Or more like a brush back pitch in baseball or something? As much as i hate Piers Morgan, it seems like guy throwing was being a real dick, I wanted to see him try and hit the ball, not dodge 5 out of 6.
I actually gained a bit of respect for Piers. Stood up there, and shook the guys hand afterward.
Edit: thanks to the cricket fans for help. Cricket is dense, and about 30 minutes of reading, while very interesting, didn't really help with understanding much past the basic rules of play. Like a card game before you actually play it. Your explanations were much more enlightening, thanks!
Yes bowling at the body is legitimate (with some restrictions on how often you can aim at the batsmans head). The context of this was that Piers Morgan had been talking smack about the English batsmen for failing to perform against this kind of bowling. Brett Lee (a legendary Australian fast bowler who was retired at this point) offered to show Piers just how difficult it is to face these kind of balls.
JoeHook ยท 7 points ยท Posted at 11:45:44 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Oh so this was planned even, wow. Ok thank you, I can properly enjoy this video now.
PatiR ยท 22 points ยท Posted at 11:00:06 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)*
Yes it is.It's not "throwing a ball at somebody", it is bodyline bowling. The field in which the game is played is a roundish stadium and the batsman can hit anywhere in 360 degree(unlike baseball where bodyline pitching i assume is a foul and only play in front of the batter) .
Piers had the bat in his hand, he probably forgot it can be used to hit the ball rather than take body blows, He was just out of his league against the bowler so he could barely lift the bat before the ball was past him.
The bowler(Brett Lee) is among the most genuinely good guys to have played the sport. You can call it unsporting to bowl bodyline balls to a non professional but Piers must have been asking for it. Either way it's no fun if you are gonna do a challenge and the pro has to go halfass and let you match him.
JoeHook ยท 14 points ยท Posted at 11:24:20 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Oh ok, so he should have just angled the bat and deflected it. So he was basically throwing him meatballs that if Piers didn't hit he would look foolish AND get hit by the ball.
In cricket if you dont score runs in an over, the over is deemed extremely successful. Since Pierce didn't even make contact with the ball, Brett bowled a good over. Also he did get him bowled in the 5th ball, so there's that.
unlike baseball where bodyline pitching i assume is a foul and only play in front of the batter
That...can be a complicated matter.
The vast majority of the time in baseball, if a pitcher hits a batter, it's unintentional.
There are instances, however, in the "unwritten rules" that if a manager thinks the other team is throwing intentionally at his players, or if the pitcher's throwing the ball in the vicinity of the head (one player died from this; others have suffered broken jaws; one player's career was basically ruined because he got hit in the face and his vision never recovered), he'll have his team retaliate.
Penalty for a hit batter is the batter is awarded first base. If the umpire determines (solely at his discretion) that a pitcher may be throwing at other batters, he'll warn both benches. If a hitter gets hit after that, the umpire has free reign to eject both the pitcher and the manager.
PatiR ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 13:46:25 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Thanks for clearing that up, so it's a unwritten rule for sportsmanlike conduct.
Cricket had a similar unsportsmanlike conduct approach towards bodyline bowling a few decades back when cricket safety gears were not developed( but there were no rules unspoken or written that prevented you from bowling hostile lengths though).As the game went forward and equipments became better bowling such lines became very much part of the game.
Yup totally. It's a batsman's skill to hit the ball wherever. Most hit to this kind of throws are sixers or fours. But if you're Piers then you're shit out of luck.
Most of those bowls were pretty terrible. With the momentum and the correct deflection they'd all end up as boundaries (aka, free points).
Lozzif ยท -2 points ยท Posted at 13:34:17 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Yup. And it shouldn't by allowed. There was a top line cricketer who died as a result of a bounce hitting him in the worst spot. and it's still bowled that way
That was Philip Hughes. It was a freak accident. Also need to remember that as a bowler you
want that batsman not scoring runs. If the batsman is moving to give himself room to hit the ball (eg stepping away from the stumps do he can open his shoulders) the bowler will change the line of his delivery to prevent this, hence why the ball is kept closer to body - makes it harder to hit well.
I'm crap at cricket, got a golden duck every year at school, but how many balls of that over were hittable? It just looked like shooting practice to me.
What a fucking moron to be so deluded to think that was a good idea.
PatiR ยท 7 points ยท Posted at 11:09:01 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
i liked that Brett went full tilt to give him a taste of the real deal, rather than halfass the contest.
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 12:43:08 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I was so glad to hear he was leaving CNN. I get enough shit about owning guns from Brits and Aussies on the internet already, I don't need it from another one on tv. Iirc, it was actually hurting cnns ratings.
Squarish ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 13:43:26 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)*
While hilarious, is this normal for cricket? You just throw as hard as you can directly at the player?
Edit: nevermind, found answers below
EveGiggle ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 14:02:46 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
he used to be my dads boss and from what I've heard he is an areshole
zerrt ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:12:23 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
What link?
nLotus ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:54:11 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Link?
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:36:04 on September 18, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
You're allowed to drill batters in cricket (unlike baseball)?
[deleted] ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 00:39:34 on September 18, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
It's a bit complicated. It's perfectly legal to aim at a batsman in cricket IF you follow some rules.
1) If the ball bounces on the pitch then it can hit them anywhere in the body.
2) If the ball doesn't bounce then you can legally aim for anything below the legs (hence the huge pads).
I don't understand is the point to hit the batter in this sport? Can you give a quick eli5 on how to play.
Hyteg ยท 149 points ยท Posted at 07:07:00 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Normally, it's the point to hit the wicket that's on top of the three sticks behind the batsman. However, if Piers Morgan is the batsman, you hit him with everything you've got.
Yeah, kinda. Technically, the wicket IS the set of three stumps. The things on top are bails. One way to dismiss a batsman is indeed to dislodge the bails by hitting the stumps with the ball.
Hyteg ยท 12 points ยท Posted at 07:16:04 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Shit I totally forgot about the bails. In my defense I'm Dutch and haven't seen cricket in a long time.
It just doesn't get broadcasted here, so I still don't know all the rules :(
Smauler ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 07:38:17 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Well, if you count some of the epic disses that happen on the field, yes :) Some of them are pure gold
[deleted] ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 10:38:37 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
holy shit 7 is savage.
Ragnrok ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 12:33:31 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
As is tradition.
[deleted] ยท 24 points ยท Posted at 07:31:29 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
So why was he such a good sport about it in the video? Seems like the equivalent of saying you could hit a home run off of a baseball pitcher, and instead of actually giving you a chance to try, he just drills you with baseballs for a bit. I get that everyone hates Piers so it's entertaining to watch, but if I was in his shoes I'd be pissed that I didn't even get a serious chance. Unless there's some rules of cricket that make this a perfectly legal thing to do.
[deleted] ยท 24 points ยท Posted at 08:12:48 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
It's psychology. The bowler wants to confuse the batsman about where balls are going. And scare him.
Four balls putting him in danger and then one at the wicket is a good way to do that. By the time the wicket ball comes, the batsman will be focussing more on his own safety. A good batsman won't fall for it and keeps his nerve. Piers is not a good batsman.
However, an umpire will stop repeatedly dangerous play. The infamous "body line series" saw to that. English bowlers won the series through playing the man not the wicket.
Kaydotz ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 09:27:45 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Y'know, that actually makes it sound incredibly similar to baseball
[deleted] ยท 8 points ยท Posted at 09:39:01 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I don't know much about baseball, but I thought that aiming at the batter was illegal?
The only rule in cricket is that you can only bowl two balls in every six which put the batsman's head and neck in danger.
But you're totally allowed to do it.
Hilikus15 ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 10:32:33 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
You can pitch inside to try and scare the batter from taking a real swing or to make them back off the plate if they are crowding it, but if the ball hits any part of the batter's body it's an automatic walk and the batter takes his base.
The only time you'll really see a pitcher try to hit a batter is if there is bad blood between the teams or players involved. For example, if a runner injured one of your fielders with a dirty slide, you, as the pitcher, might take it upon yourself to even the score against that player later on in the game.
Kaydotz ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 10:35:37 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
In baseball, you are not allowed to intentionally hit a batter, but hitting a batter is understood as typically being an accidental occurrence (and it doesn't happen often). If you are hit by a pitched ball, your at-bat ends right then regardless of pitch count and you freely take first base.
However, the pitcher himself won't get in trouble for this, unless the umpire has reason to believe he is intentionally targeting batters. Intentional targeting does happen every so often, quite often in retaliation to something the other pitcher or team did, either that game or because of some past encounter. If the ump thinks a pitcher is intentionally hitting, he will issue a warning that the pitcher will be ejected with any further hit batters. (Because hit batters aren't very common, it's easy for umps to notice patterns of targeting.) A couple of hit batters a game usually isn't enough to warrant an ejection, but does happen in some cases where there is known bad blood and the ump issues premature warnings.
Now, the main thing I was getting at was how similar the strategy you detailed was similar to what I consider one of the most well-taught pitching strategies in baseball. Because you're allowed to pitch inside all day long as long as you don't hit them, and it's also a rule that batters are REQUIRED make an effort to avoid the pitch (in order to prevent them from throwing their bodies in the ball path for a free base), pitchers will throw fast inside a couple times (sometimes almost hitting them) to rattle them and back them off the plate, then send a pitch to the outer half of the strike zone. High fast pitches that look like they're close to your head can be very good to throw a batter off (though throwing too close to the head is usually viewed as a dick move and can cause drama). I should probably note that, even though an inside and outside pitch don't seem all that far apart, the technique for hitting each one is slightly different, and if the pitcher's painting the inside edge and gets you to give the plate more space, it makes it a lot more difficult to reach outside pitches.
Because everyone knows this strategy though, it makes it more unpredictable. Batters lining up for the next pitch to be out over the plate could get another surprise inside pitch or something else fast and easy to be fooled into chasing. There's so much strategy, scouting, and other factors that determine what the best strategy should be that it's way above my youth league pay grade.
Hopefully that makes a little sense :)
[deleted] ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 10:57:45 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Interesting, thanks! The strategies differ because in cricket the bowler is allowed to aim at the body and because in cricket the batter must prevent the ball from hitting the wicket. He cannot just stand aside.
It's not necessarily illegal, you just can't abuse it. Umpires make a judgment call as to when to warn a pitcher and when to throw them out of the game, but some pitchers have built reputations of essentially being dangerously wild, so it's a subjective judgment on the part of the umpires - they have to determine if they believe throwing at the batter is malicious.
In baseball, there's a phrase called "chin music" which refers to pitchers legally throwing balls high and inside near the batter's head to get them to back off from crowding the plate. Perfectly legal.
The short balls like that are actually easier to hit if the batsman is good. It's the ones that are pitched right up (like the one that hit the stumps) that are difficult. However, Piers Morgan isn't a great batsman
I think that the last throw was the chance that he deserved. Also, I'm guessing that Piers must have accused him of not throwing hard enough, which would be insulting.
RQK1996 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 08:57:23 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I understood it to being that he literally asked the bowler to hit him with the ball
kuasha420 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 12:02:38 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Balls like that in real match would go for fours and sixes because in Cricket you can hit the ball everywhere, it's a round field with pitch in the middle.
Yeah the pitcher is being a cunt here. Make him look foolish by throwing it past him, don't try to maim the guy.
atyeo ยท 10 points ยท Posted at 07:56:25 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Not at all. A large element of crickey is the psychological battle between batter and bowler. It's perfectly within the rules for the bowler to aim for the body to intimidate and force the batter into making a mistake.
[deleted] ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 08:20:27 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
It looks savage from here, but the point of failure is Piers not the bowler.
These kinds of throws are super easy to hit as a batsman. The problem is Piers, like everyone expected, is shit at cricket and so cannot compete on the same level as the bowler.
Think of it like this - if Piers challenged a (Quarterback? I don't know American Football) huge guy from Football to tackle him, the tackler would do a perfectly legal move, but because Piers is not a professional Football player he lacks both the technique and the stature to withstand a professional-tier hit, and would be crushed.
arnm7890 ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 08:09:20 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
As someone said above, the shorter pitched balls (i.e. the ones he drilled into the ground to bounce at the batsman's body) are usually easier to hit out of the park if you're a good batsman
There's plenty of protective equipment, trying to 'hurt' the batter in this sport isn't something to inspire outrage. Only one of these balls was actually aimed at Piers' head. If you want to see really dangerous bowling, check out this video from the 1930s.
The bodyline tactic used by england in the 1932-33 series led to immediate changes to the rules of cricket. Bouncers disappeared for a long time, which is probably part of the reason why protective helmets weren't adopted until the 70s.
Hartech ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 08:00:22 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
This seemed less like real cricket match where strategy would come into play, and more of a challenge of skill. Wherein the pitcher dude was just like fuck your challenge and fuck you!
To be fair to the bowler though... 1) He is a professional sportsman being challenged on his skill by an oaf. 2) Hitting the oaf takes only slightly less skill than hitting the wicket. 3) He is Australian.
Conbanham ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 07:50:46 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Might prove he's actually right if they gave him a chance.
You know in baseball, where if you pitch the ball AT the batter it's a foul, that is a completely legit move in cricket. Context for the video is that England were getting destroyed in a two month long series of matches against Australia. Australia were winning by intimidating english batsmen by constantly throwing the ball at them. Piers Morgan is trying to show the english players are pussies and he would do a better job. He did not prove his point.
Take a step forward, if the ball goes behind the batter it is considered a wide and a free run is awarded. Or you can just hit the ball, that's what most batters do.
captnyoss ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 09:46:53 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
No. A full toss above waist height is a "no ball" and gives two run to the other team, and you can only bowl
one ball per over (6 deliveries) above shoulder height with a bounce for test cricket. Additional "bouncers" give two runs to the other team.
Furthermore the number of fieldsmen allowed behind the batter on the the left side is restricted so that it is easier score runs if the bowler bowls at the batter.
If you bowl a normal delivery that bounces but is below shoulder height and aimed at the batter, many good batters will smash the shit out of it because it is pretty easy to swing at.
hiroo916 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 23:14:41 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
England were getting destroyed in a two month long series of matches against Australia. Australia were winning by intimidating english batsmen by constantly throwing the ball at them.
Given all the responses, why was this strategy working for Australian then?
maqusan ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:28:33 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
A good batsman will hit a ball like that over the fence. Piers Morgan isn't a good batsman. He's a porridge-faced cunt.
captnyoss ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 09:52:51 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
They don't throw the ball at all, that would be a no ball and a free run to the other team.
When they bowl the ball, it has to be either a full toss below waist height or they are allowed one ball that bounces and is above shoulder height per over per batsman (Limitedd Overs cricket allows 2).
They can bowl as many as they like that bounce and are below shoulder height, but they're generally easy to score from because there are a limited amount of fielders that can field in the best position for those deliveries (precisely to make it unattractive) so most bowlers only rarely bowl at the batsman. Bowling every ball there would very much be a losing strategy.
The difference between cricket and baseball here being that while the baseball batter has to hit the ball forward, cricketers can hit the ball in any direction, so a ball bowled at the batter can be hit perpendicular to the pitch quite easily.
I cannot fathom a sport where it's legal to intentionally try to injure the competition. Even in American football, a sport notorious for injuries, it's still against the rules to try to hurt someone.
And this is made all the worse by how the pitcher (Is that the term in cricket?) apparently gets a huge running start for their throw, giving them a gigantic power advantage. What the fuck, cricket?
[deleted] ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 08:20:30 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)*
[deleted]
captnyoss ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 09:56:58 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Any ball above waist height is a no ball. The bowler gets a warning for a bouncer (above shoulder height but below the top of the head, above that is a wide), they're allowed one per over in test cricket (per batsman) and two in 50 over cricket.
There's a basic expectation of competence. While even the best batsmen in the world get hit from time to time, anyone who steps up to the crease should be able to move to defend themselves.
This isn't the equivalent of someone challenging a baseball pitcher and getting hit. This is equivalent to someone challenging a boxer and not putting their gloves up.
Ah... the memories of Mitchell Johnson drilling the poms :'D "the crowd is behind Johnson... It's like the days of Lillie and Thompson"
Smauler ยท 9 points ยท Posted at 07:36:04 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
It's not the point to hit the batter. However, you're allowed to try to hit the batter in the face. At 100mph.
This is purely done to fuck up the batter. That's the only point.
There's loads of tactics involved, though. If you try to do this a lot of the time in test cricket, with a decent batsman, you'll get hit about the park a lot, even at 100mph.
atyeo ยท 7 points ยท Posted at 08:01:22 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Ah, Earth's ultimate redneck backwater move, naming a delightful (if slightly esoteric) sport after the most brutally violent events in all of universal history.
Edit: a letter
is that how they actually pitch in cricket? directly at someone? or are they just fucking with him by trying to kill him lol... weirdest clip ever without knowing the context when the pitcher comes up to him and gives him props after pelting him over and over again for 30 minutes
The intention is to get someone out, by hitting the stumps or getting the batsman to mishit the ball and try to catch it, but this is just a piss around in the practice nets. One way to encourage that is to pitch the ball short and get the batsmen to play the ball in an uncomfortable manner, but that's only one of several ways. In this case, everyone wanted to see Brett Lee to hurt Piers Morgan, and Brett Lee was one of the fastest bowlers of the modern era. Short balls that get as high as the batsmen's shoulder are limited to 2 an over now though due to the body line ashes series in the 1930s where a lot of the Australian batsmen ended up getting hurt because of the way England were bowling. Cricket has a lot of rules and you're probably going to learn more watching a game than by description though.
okay so you have some leeway, kinda like when a baseball pitcher pitches high and inside... do they get penalized if they hit someone or only if they exceed the limit. im guessing you bowl a ball like that as finishing move for a batter or an inning or over whatever they call it.
You're allowed to hit someone as many times as you like, if you hit the batsmen's leg pad when his leg is in front of the stumps is a way to get out. You're limited to 2 deliveries in an over (an over being 6 deliveries, at the end of the over the bowler changes) that can go as high as the batsmen's shoulder when standing fully up, if you hit him or not. If you bowl a third, you get penalised and the opposing team get a run and you have to rebowl the previous delivery.
And you tend to bowl a ball like that just to unsettle them. This is usually followed up by a delivery aimed at the stumps.
yeah i meant upper body, i was aware that they could take shots off the legs... so its the bounce that's the illegal part not the body shots. both players are playing off the other thinking they can capitalize off the situation, if the batter hits a ball bowled like that it will result in a lot of run time and the bowler is trying to get the batter off guard. pretty cool
arnm7890 ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 08:14:12 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
If you're good enough to hit the batsman on the torso 6 times out of 6 (so still below the shoulder, I.e not exceeding the 2-ball limit), you're allowed to do that
Smauler ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 07:45:07 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
You're allowed to, yes.
Generally in test cricket it's not used that often, like once every 15-20 balls or so will be one trying to hit you in the face or ribs. It's to keep the batsmen on their toes.
Philip Hughes, an Australian test cricketer was killed by one of these balls a couple of years ago. The safety standards of helmets have been made better since, but the rules haven't changed.
It's done to intimidate in matches as the best way to defend your stumps if the ball is on course to hit them is usually stepping forward, which will only get you hurt if it's pitched short. It was a tactic used to great effect by the Australian Mitchell Johnson in that series, which was what prompted piers to comment that the English batsman were just scared of the ball. Johnson was probably bowling 10mph (if not more!) quicker than Brett Lee in the video
Hamza_33 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 08:37:13 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Wait till you see beamers. Youtube it.
captnyoss ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 09:59:09 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
It's a professional cricketer bowling against a total amateur. A decent batsman would score a lot of runs from bowling like that.
Yes it is a completely legitimate and a regular tactic. Philip Hughes an Australian cricketer actually died a couple of years ago after being hit on the neck. https://youtu.be/FaKhYJ1xfB4 (link is not of that incident).
Lozzif ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 13:35:26 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Not just trying. Top Aussie cricketer was actually killed.
It's a disgusting tactic and it's still used despite Hughes death. It should be outlawed.
They reckoned it was slower than that (around 80-85) obviously still very quick for anyone other than a professional cricketer, but not quite the 93 ish that Mitchell Johnson was bowling in that series (which was what prompted piers into making his comments). For context very few bowlers can bowl over 90 at their peak and Brett Lee was retired at this point which shows even more clearly how quickly the professionals bowl.
I dont know anything about cricket, but is throwing the ball at your opponents body part of the game? Otherwise he's just sucker punching basically. I mean how about if Piers just walks up, pretends like he's about to shake his hand and fucking cracks him in the knee with the bat? What does that prove to anybody?
solute24 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 10:26:14 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Yah well technically 95+ mph balls not 100+ mph balls, 100 mph is fastest recorded delivery in cricket and not by Brett Lee, Brett Lee is the 2nd fastest recorded bowler
I just watched it, I definitely didn't have all the context but he seemed to be quite the opposite of a cunt, took it and then came out of it smiling and laughing. Why is this guy so hated?
maqusan ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:23:17 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I don't like pierce but that was a bit much. Dude just doesn't even try and throw a good pitch, he goes for pierces body and head. Brutal. Like, he could have just embarrassed pierce by being a good pitcher
It's not a comeback, but I really loved the dig against him in the TV show A Touch of Cloth. The cops arrive at a murder scene where the victim has been disembowelled, and start gagging and wretching, looking away in horror. Then one of them gets rid of a photo of Piers Morgan the victim had on the table, and everyone's fine.
[deleted] ยท 35 points ยท Posted at 05:06:01 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
If it's not too late: anybody from Europe care to explain why you hate him? I'm an American, it's practically required of me to hate him, but I would love to hear from my fellow Redditor's from across the Atlantic about why they hate him.
You don't understand. He moved to America because he was practically a person non gratis in the UK. He is the single most despised man in the UK. In America he's what, tenth? He is more reviled in the UK than terrorist organisers like Anjem Choudary.
The man ran a vile tabloid newspaper, and became infamous as a coward and a bully, relentlessly pursuing vendettas against many of Britain's most beloved celebrities.
You've seen how toxic he is on US TV, but it's nothing compared to his TV appearances in the UK. Youtube Pier Morgan on 'Have I Got News For You' for a perfect example.
He also left the UK around the time shit hit the fan on all the awful things tabloids had been doing during his time in charge, when his newspaper led the charge in disrupting police investigations, paparazzi, tabloid witch hunts, even hounding princess Diana to her death and following her death up with screeching headlines defaming her grieving family, accusing them of not being upset enough, etc.
He is the public hate figure of the UK. I'm not sure America has an equivalent. I was tempted to say Rush Limbaugh, but even he has people that like him. You ever come to the UK and wanna make some friends, just start sounding off about what a cunt Piers Morgan is in a busy room. We're brought up on what a cunt he is.
Ben Carson is a gentle voiced Trump, they do behave differently but really their agendas are very similar. And last I remember there was an European country petition to ban Trump.
Euphorium ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 06:23:32 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
First of all, Europe is not a country, which you may not know as an American.
I for one am German and I have never heard of this person and I guess most of my countrymen haven't. And I'll go out on a limb here and say neither have most Italians, Poles, Austrians, Spaniards, and Croatians.
If you find the time between downvoting my comments - would you point out which commas I missed? As a non-native speaker I am always eager to learn.
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:31:13 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Where in the world in my comment did I say anything about Europe being a country? I know it's a continent, and some people from your continent were very kind in giving me their opinion. Your condescending remarks are unappreciated.
When Bradley Wiggins won a gold medal in the Olympics, Piers Morgan tweeted "I was very disappointed Bradley Wiggins didnโt sing the anthem either. Show some respect to our Monarch please!".
Wiggins responded with: "I was disappointed when you didnโt go to jail for insider dealing or phone hacking, but you know, each to his own.โ.
[deleted] ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 12:33:53 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
That was a genuine comeback but it wasn't tweeted by Bradley Wiggins.
Reminds me of a Reddit thread from a while ago. It was a news article about how ridiculous Trump's medical letter was. Part of it was about how the doctor who supposedly wrote it was a gastroenterologist.
One of the comments was: Trump is such an asshole that he has a gastroenterologist examine his whole body.
Earlier this year I was diagnosed with a tumor inside my spinal cord. The neurologist who diagnosed me said there are about 4 people in the country he'd consider experienced enough to perform the surgery I'd need to remove it, one of them being Ben Carson.
Oh man if we are going political patton oswald recently tweeted something like "Wait so hilarly is sick with a pneumonia and she is still campaigning as hard as she is? Does anyone realize how badass that is?" And someone replied, "If you could tell when a woman was terminally ill your wife wouldn't be dead"
Literally me, my bf, our gay roommate, our gay friend crashing on the couch, our friend and his bf visiting to do laundry ... "Big gay house" is pretty damn accurate
rockidol ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 21:48:49 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Will need pictures of the house to confirm that it's big.
Point is that if everyone is attracted to everyone else then an orgy makes a lot of sense. The fewer people who are attracted to everyone, the less sense an orgy makes. Ergo a big gay house has a MUCH higher orgy potential than a big straight house.
Naggins ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 09:14:30 on September 18, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Nope. Really, horniness and general kinkiness are much bigger factors. Also they're often kinda spontaneous. Few people are having sex, couple of others also have sex, then all the people having sex merge into one big ball of sex.
You seem kinda salty n stuff but it's not my fault you've for some bizarre reason romanticised orgies.
Actually, just like straights aren't attracted to every single person of the opposite sex, neither are gays.
There's no guarantee all gay guys in a room would be attracted to each other.
What happens if they were all replused by each other?
There would be no orgy.
Agreed. But it's not impossible for 6 gay people to all be attracted to each other. It is impossible for 6 straight people to all be attracted to each other. Hence, greater potential in big gay house.
[deleted] ยท -1 points ยท Posted at 16:43:11 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
A house full of entirely straight men wouldn't and couldn't have any orgies, I don't understand your thought process here
Naggins ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 16:50:04 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
[deleted] ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 22:02:56 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Relevant username.
[deleted] ยท -4 points ยท Posted at 17:16:19 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Homosexuals are more promiscuous than straight people on average
Naggins ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 17:39:48 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Subtle differences there in how you refer to gay people vs straight people. Telling.
[deleted] ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 16:14:59 on September 20, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I use gay and homosexual, straight and heterosexual interchangeably all the time.
What is telling though, is that no one even tries to contradict me but just downvotes instead because they're butthurt about facts being pointed out.
Homosexuals are more promiscuous, the data supports it, deal with it.
Naggins ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 16:35:31 on September 20, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Oh, I didn't say you were incorrect. On average, yeah, that's correct.
I was just pointing out what I saw as an interesting difference in language referring to gay people, and if you think such differences are never indicative of underlying attitudes, you're naive. You see similar patterns of language when Redditors talk about women too, preferring to use "females" like a Ferengi from Star Trek.
I appreciate those of you who aren't being asshats about the "promiscuous gays" thing.
And no haha. There is surprising / disappointingly few orgies. But we've all seen each other naked one time or another, and there are like zero secrets about.
And how you totally missed the obvious flaming joke...
[deleted] ยท 764 points ยท Posted at 02:39:49 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Peaked? Peaked, bro? Let me tell you something. I havenโt even begun to peak. And when I do peak, youโll know. Because Iโm gonna peak so hard that everybody in Philadelphiaโs gonna feel it.
Ok, this is a fun little memory. My dad was jokey every once in a while. One day when I was probably ten or eleven, he says to me out if nowhere "Hey little boy, how'd you get to be so ugly?"
I respond, without missing a beat "It's probably genetic". I had probably known what that meant for about a month at that time and I felt pretty slick
FREED FROM THE VULNERABLE MORTAL COIL OF MEDIOCRITY, ANY ATTEMPT TO TRICK YOU ONCE MORE WILL BE CRUSHED BY THE MERE FEAR OF WHAT YOU MAY DO IN RETALIATION
Omg that remimded me of my younger cousin. I was over their house in the afternoon and they had all taken a nap and looked a little bit messy. I dont even remember how it got started but we all tease her about these chubby twins that she has a rivalry with but we tell her its really because they have a crush on her. We turn it around and say she probably has a crush on them. Dont remember how it started but her dad tried to jab her about it.
Uncle: im going to take your cell away. You're on it way too much and i dont want you talking to those two tubby kids.
Cousin: you can take it. Besides, i know where they live.
Hes kind of upset and surprized at her responce so he tries to make her mad.
Uncle: i dont know what you even see in them, they dont even look decent. I bet they couldnt even run from here to the stop sign without having a heart attack.
She knows what her dad is trying to do and stays cool as a cucumber
Cousin: it's not about looks, they're can be really nice
Uncle: they're ao fat and ugly. They look like they're about to explode, i don't know what you see in them. They're so ugly!
Cousin: i dont know what mom sees in you!
Lmao oh my god, everyones jaw dropped lmao i walked out of the room and laughed the hardest i had in a while.. The cruel thing about it is that my uncle has been slowly gaining weight through the years and hes pretty chubby now. On top of that my family really really dislikes him on a terrible level so that shit cut him deep.
His jaw dropped hard, he didnt even know what to say and her ass was smirking because she knew he had nothing for that. He just sheepishly said "go ask her" lmao i retold that story to everyone i ran into that day. She was only 12 at the time
Hence why my aunts (my) family hates him. I nearly pissed my pants when i heard his daughter say that to him. Instant karma
maumacd ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 15:50:05 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
It's a running joke in my family - any time a relative says something teasy or insulting, you always respond by shrugging and saying, "I come by it honestly".
Basically I have a huge local extended family, and we are all major trolls - my grandpa is the best/worst. He gets blamed for making us all trolly with his genetics.
But! Thanks for the thick hair that never turns grey and the amazing blood pressure! (Seriously my grandpa just started going grey at 85+, the only other person with greys is my dad, and it was only after he did chemo that he got any greys. My great grandma died at 102 with just salt and pepper hair. Amazing.)
porkpie1 ยท 2089 points ยท Posted at 01:52:36 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Kid I was fighting with in middle school - (paraphrase) I bet your parents think you're a failure.
Me - Your parents don't even know you're a failure (he was adopted.)
I felt a little bad afterwards, but the kid was a prick and still is 15 years later.
Yeah, and I think it turned out that a knife is better than a revolver within a certain range (like two or three meters), but only if the knife-wielder acts first.
[deleted] ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 16:34:29 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
The "Parks and Recreation" blooper by Chris Prtt
probably would have known if he had real parents to teach him
[deleted] ยท 37 points ยท Posted at 06:45:25 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
He was asking for that.
porkpie1 ยท 27 points ยท Posted at 07:16:56 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
That was in 2002 and I'm still proud of my middle school self for it.
marr ยท 35 points ยท Posted at 09:15:32 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
He's probably still a prick because he never recovered from that moment. Got a room full of guns, blurry Polaroids of your life, thumbtacks and string.
porkpie1 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 10:08:18 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
He's probably in a "safe space" where his feelings can't get hurt.
In Canada, he kills you and then everyone witnessing it says sorry.
Rios7467 ยท 13 points ยท Posted at 12:27:01 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Had a similar situation. One of my "friends" started acting like a total bitch out of nowhere and she was adopted as well. She just kept going off and calling me stuff like "fatass" (I'm kind of a big dude but nowhere near enough to warrant that) so I eventually went over the top and told her "I understand why your parents don't love you now." Felt a little bad but at the same time she came at me unwarranted.
jethrodsp ยท 5625 points ยท Posted at 00:41:48 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
My then 4-year old was mad at me one night.
He tells me: "OH YEA, WE'LL I'M GONNA SELL YOUR BIRTHDAY ON EBAY!" I matter-of-factly informed him that I don't need anymore birthdays anyway. His retort: "AND NO ONE IS GONNA BUY IT!"
WTF. I've hung out with some real degenerates in my 35 years, but no one has cut me as deep as that.
Malakoji ยท 1347 points ยท Posted at 04:05:17 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
upvoted because that was both savage and unexpected from a four year old. fuckin rekt.
[deleted] ยท 113 points ยท Posted at 09:55:57 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
My daughter once asked me if I'm smarter than a monkey, I said "Of course I'm smarter than a monkey." She says "No you're not, you're just a monkey that learned to do tricks."
She's going to fit right in.
99sec ยท 25 points ยท Posted at 11:18:31 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
"No you're not, you're just a monkey that learned to do tricks."
Little kids can Savage little shit heads. My sister asked me the other day if I had a girlfriend yet. To which I reply no
She adks why but before I can answer she goes " nevermind ugly boys don't get girlfriends". Well fuck you too lol
scarrlet ยท 681 points ยท Posted at 06:45:02 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
My friend works in a school, got asked her age by the kids, and when she answered they hit her with, "You're 25 and you're not married? Do you cry a lot?"
I had a student ask if I were married, ask if I had a baby, and then when I said "no" he gave me a look of judgement and told me how old his mom is. Basically she was pregnant with him when she was my age.
[deleted] ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 16:34:26 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I don't mean this in any pejorative sense, but I'm a little curious- was this the Southern US? I only ask because as someone who lives here now, but was not originally from here, that was one of those cultural things that stood out to me. This kinda vague regard that if you make it through your early 20s without getting married and having your first kid then something must be up with you...
scarrlet ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 23:31:19 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Nope, the rural Pacific Northwest. It's definitely a small town where everyone who doesn't leave and go to college immediately gets married and starts popping out babies.
The girls then followed it up with, "That's what they do in the movies, they cry a lot and eat ice cream," so I'm guessing they had just watched some bad rom-coms.
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 23:53:56 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Haha. I should have guessed bad rom-coms. At least we got Matthew Mcconaughey out of all that nonsense.
hopswage ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 16:45:28 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
It's not like rednecks have very good prospects. Might as well get hitched early rather than work on building a career.
It's all about their environment. My sister will be giving her 4 year old step son a bath when he'll say something like "Heidi. You don't have any money!" He doesn't understand the concept of money so we know his cunt of a mom is teaching him this shit.
When my daughter was 4 she was obsessed with Minecraft. She was mad at me one day and said "Daddy, im going to dig a hole 2 blocks deep, and move your character in there". I kind of laughed because I understood what she meant. She got madder because i was laughing at her and said "Then I'll put lava on top!"
Yea.... It cut pretty deep....
For those that dont know, your character can only jump 1 block high, if its 2 blocks or more, you cannot escape.
Also, lava kills your character if you stay in it too long.
jayhens ยท 22 points ยท Posted at 04:16:03 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
What else has your kid come up with? I have a feeling he has more comebacks.
jethrodsp ยท 55 points ยท Posted at 06:16:59 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Once he told my wife and I: "I'M SELLING THIS HOUSE."
"But where will we live son?"
"WE'RE GONNA LIVE IN A DUMPSTER BUT YOU GOTTA FIND YOUR OWN DUMPSTER BECAUSE YOU CAN'T LIVE IN MY DUMPSTER!"
He also told my wife once that he "couldn't live in this tyranny castle anymore."
His preschool teacher once switched the seats around in his class to which he relied, "How can I learn in this blasphemy!"
So yea.. bright kid but the next 13 years are gonna be a challenge.
manapan ยท 56 points ยท Posted at 06:32:19 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I feel like our kids should hang out. Maybe they can run out some of their savage on each other. Or just teach each other new tricks.
I took my 5 year old to the playground yesterday, where there was a teenage couple making out on the big slide. So he grabbed the biggest stick he could find, ran over to them, jammed the stick in between them, and shouted, "I'LL HAVE NONE OF THIS IN MY KINGDOM!"
Reminds me of Stewie from Family Guy - minus the matricidal obsession, of course.
manapan ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 13:16:31 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Actually, now that you mention it, I did recently catch him hiding under the table with his tablet watching a video titled "10 Most Gruesome Ways Children Killed Their Parents". Bloody hell, my kid is Stewie. I'd always fancied him more of a Calvin.
ajax6677 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 13:57:14 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
4 year olds are brutal. Just this morning my son was mad at me and told me he was going to feed my eyeballs to the monsters. Not as clever but still just fricken mean.
The most beautiful part was that he only delivered the knockout blow AFTER you snubbed the initial attempt. He might never have said the last part if the first shot had landed.
Edit: Grammar
bullhocks ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 11:54:03 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Then he's a retard for trying to sell it. I don't think it's particularly savage.
hopsinduo ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 15:31:25 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
It's a 12.5. Still not normal for a 13 year old even if this were hypothetically true.
AGRS22 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 15:59:46 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I understand that but we are commenting on a comment of a comment of a guy who affirmed he was using a size 13 at 13 not normal but definitely possible
LeKrizz ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:36:15 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Come to Germany, my shoe size is 48
hopsinduo ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 15:42:53 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
yeah, but if you were to have size 18 it would be mental. Everybody would be "Look at his tiny feet!"
Imo shoes shouldn't be categorised by male and female. Men with small feet and women with big feet have little choice while there are tons of nice unisex shoes that are put in a category based on the size. There still won't be high heels and stuff in large sizes, but at least there would be more options.
adcas ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:08:29 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Women with small feet have the same problem! :( Most of my shoes are a half size too big, and I can never get the really cute Halloween shoes because they're size seven and up.
I'm a six.
[deleted] ยท 21 points ยท Posted at 07:27:26 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Had a friend back in the navy who was 6'6 with a 15 foot.. we went into a store and he leans into me and says, 'watch this.'
He asks the girl if they have 15s of this shoe in the back, and she absolutely flips out, 'hey everyone, come check out the size of thi guys feet' shes comparing her foot, etc
when she went in the back and he looks over at me, 'works every time.'
But, I too would just be impressed by the sheer size of foot. Not entirely sure that this story has anything to do with that. The cashier wasn't drooling over the counter.
[deleted] ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 07:27:44 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I wore oversized shoes in middle school. That was around the time my feet stopped growing, but I still assumed I needed bigger shoes than the previous year, because I had always done that... I started buying smaller shoes again in high school.
Given how much people compared shoe size in middle schools, I don't think this was uncommon. It certainly made awkward adolescents look even worse though.
Zerotoll ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 08:09:58 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I used to feel the same way, but for me it wasn't so brief. I went from 13-17 years old, with size 13-17 shoes (still at 17). I literally went all those years hoping for someone to say that to me, but it never happened :(
I had size 12 shoes at the age of 12 and waited the better part of a year for someone to say that to me. It didn't happen. You're living a great, enviable life.
Denascite ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 09:27:19 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Is that a saying? Never heard that
s0laris0 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 12:57:43 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I would have stopped whatever I was doing, I don't give a shit what it was, taken my shoe off and promptly shoved it in her face before wearing a smug ass grin for the rest of the day. the imagery is amazing. thank you for this.
It was not I literally just propped my foot up pulled the tongue out that had the size pointed to it and said "my age is my shoe size."
Verodoxys ยท 12526 points ยท Posted at 02:06:59 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)*
Admittedly, I was on the receiving end. Credit where credit is due.
I have a type of neuropathy where walking is challenging (and before was very difficult). A few friends and I were discussing Hatred - that mass murderer simulator - after the first controversy developed around it.
One of us said something along the lines of "honestly, people playing that game should be put on a list - after all, people play video games to do things they want to do but can't in real life".
I jokingly say "that must be why [another friend] has so many hours in GTA IV - just so he can have a girlfriend". He comes back - in an instant - "that must be why you play DayZ so much - just so you can fucking walk".
edit: phrasing
edit 2: I'm glad I made someone's day to the point where they gave me gold. Thank you guys!
[deleted] ยท 2439 points ยท Posted at 04:48:14 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
[deleted]
Verodoxys ยท 2123 points ยท Posted at 04:53:26 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I couldn't even be mad at him. It was so perfect. I was awestruck at how perfectly it had been set up.
I'm not surprised you didn't shuffle out of the room.
ZacPensol ยท 35 points ยท Posted at 06:30:59 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
The best bad taste jokes are the ones that even the person at whom it's aimed can appreciate how clever it was and their being impressed trumps any offense they took.
SupMonica ยท 15 points ยท Posted at 06:16:01 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
iaintevenmad.jpg
morbadox ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 06:32:28 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Is it as good as people make it out to be? I'm really looking forward to a console port.
Was with some friends, and we started ribbing each other. One guy says something funny to another guy about the kind of friends he has. He responds with "I don't have friends" and a third guy says "That's right. You mom didn't pay us this month" Everyone laughed.
captworth ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 07:03:38 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
The best burns are the ones friends can make on friends with medical issues. It's so much funnier than when you have to burn yourself just so a good joke opportunity doesn't go to waste because people don't feel comfortable hitting that low and don't know you well enough.
If the setup is there the joke has to be made.
[deleted] ยท 490 points ยท Posted at 05:29:37 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)*
I watched Jimmy Carrs Netflix Original: Funny Business last night and he told a story about a Parkinsons joke he made to a friends dad who had Parkinsons. I highly recommend watching the whole thing, as long as you don't get offended easily that is.
[deleted] ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 13:27:03 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I'm native and one of my best friends is Jewish. So instead of medical jokes we make genocide jokes at eachother constantly.
[deleted] ยท 11 points ยท Posted at 04:31:02 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Type 1 diabetic?
Verodoxys ยท 54 points ยท Posted at 04:51:21 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
It's a long story.
My full diagnosis is - and I quote - autoimmune juvenile-onset small-fiber polyneuropathy. This type of neuropathy itself is very rare, let alone in children (I was 12 when symptoms showed up).
The tl;dr of it is that it's an autoimmune disease where my nerves are attacked - not just peripheral nerves, but autonomic ones, too, so I get fun symptoms like passing out when I stand up too quickly and Reynaud's phenomenon (mine isn't as bad as the picture there, but still). Muscle cramping, lack of sweating, little sensation of touch (even up to my hips and shoulders), even psychosis.
All because I got hit particularly hard by a cold. Seriously.
rakust ยท 11 points ยท Posted at 05:10:58 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Well you should've wrapped up
[deleted] ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 19:30:28 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I'm sorry, that sounds pretty tough to live with. Thank you for sharing it, though, I find it very interesting.
Verodoxys ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 23:38:51 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
In all honesty, it's not too bad. I was walking with a cane at 13, but now I'm mostly able to walk, go to school, etc. I certainly don't blame you for being curious.
No, breaking his legs will force him to crawl for hours to the nearest hospital.
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:27:06 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Last time I played it (few months ago) you can get sticks and rags much easier now. No more crawling to the hospital, just crawling around looking for a knife... which you will not find when you need it.
It is a dick move though. If I was feeling extra salty I'd snipe the airfields but only go for maiming shots if I could. I'm a horrible person.
I too, have been on the receiving end. My friends and I were getting piss drunk this one night while listening to music on my phone. This EDM-type song called "Sex 101" played and it was just this chick sexily moaning like no tomorrow with electronic music in the background. A friend suddenly asked "I wonder who sings this song?". Another friend, without hesitation, replied "CountDragula's mom". 7 years later and I still don't have a comeback savage enough to make up for damages done that night.
HeelR- ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 06:02:57 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Bruuhhhhh he done you good without even thinking. He was probably thinking about this joke for a while and waited for the right moment. That's coldd
Just cause someone play a game to try things they can't do in real life doesn't mean they secretly want to do it in real life.
Verodoxys ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 16:06:13 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Oh, of course. I disagreed with friendo's hypothesis over there almost immediately. Interestingly enough, I'm pretty sure he has Hatred (we don't talk much anymore).
honestly, people playing that game should be put on a list - after all, people play video games to do things they want to do but can't in real life".
Not sure if the friend was joking or an idiot.
Verodoxys ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 16:05:18 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I'm reasonably sure he was serious, though he probably doesn't agree with that statement anymore. I think he owns Hatred, actually - we don't talk much anymore but I swear I saw him playing it a few weeks ago.
fugly16 ยท 8 points ยท Posted at 04:24:36 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I UNDERSTOOD THIS REFERENCE!!!
SpAsTiiX ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 08:17:49 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Do you play DayZ Standalone or with a crutch?
NavyBlue8 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 16:49:36 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Lmfaoo bro that's the most amazing comeback I've ever heard
-TurntUp- ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 01:14:19 on September 18, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
This is the mark of a true friend. A real person, not a fake like most of the world we live in
Side note, hatred isn't even a good game. The graphics look like shit and it's just edginess for edginess sake. At least games like Postal cross into so-bad-they're good territory. And in GTA there's at least other shit to do.
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 07:30:56 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
That's a lifetime friend right here if you could laugh it off
I do play games because I get to experience other worlds. I recently watched Sword Art Online and I've never connected with something so much. I can't help but feel my life would be absolutely incredible plugged into one of those.
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 09:50:36 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
To your credit Sir. That you can weather such a comment and maintain a sense of humor about it, makes people who take offense at hula girls look very silly.
Ragnrok ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 12:23:28 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Simultaneously burning you and DayZ
PsymonRED ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 12:51:34 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Its only funny because that's all you can do in Dayz
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 13:22:16 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
The exact same shit happened to me!, I don't have anything wrong with me i'm just fat, it was around 2014 GTA V was kinda diying out but was living on it's free DLC so people still played it, and i said "I play GTA to do shit i can't do in real life" (edgy ikr) and someone said "...like run?" and everyone erupted with laughter. (I was salty, made an attempt to track him down, before finding out he went to the same school as me but was significantly older (so i backed the fuck off of course), he has since left i believe)
Its moments like this with friends where you admit defeat and swear vengeance.
Igaunija ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 14:42:18 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
But but characters in Dayz don't know how to walk.
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:22:58 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Damn.
And nice DayZ reference. Walking Simulator 9000, not even going to lie. I like that game but it's so broken and the devs seem more focused on adding items instead of fixing bugs. I'll play it more when they shift focus to bug fixes.
I don't know, doesn't seem clever to me, only appeal is it's super brutal. Unless there's something about dayZ that walking is more pertinent than some other open world game.
Verodoxys ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:52:31 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
It has a reputation for being mostly walking, even though its primary goal is, you know, surviving against zombies and assholes and stuff.
The map is big, which is almost always a big plus, except that the vehicles that exist are extremely rare and there are very few things to do outside of major population centers (or, at least, what used to be major population centers).
It really is just walking with intermittent survival. Not that I hate it or anything - I do love it.
He didn't start week 1 because he was just traded for and didn't know the playbook yet. He's still learning the playbook but he's slated to start tomorrow night
Tator Tot Hotdish Road Construction Ice Fishing Some Good Walleye Up In them Boundary Waters Oh Fer Cute Put Your Hockey Skates Away and Clean Your Room or no Nintendo Kiddo No Joke Yah I-94 Garrison Keillor Trees
He was a good backup, tho. Not a starter but I'd definitely rather have him over a fair number of players making rounds around the league. He's no Case Keenum or Charlie Whitehurst.
Nah, as a Seahawks fan, we agree. He's a shit QB. Anyone who would rather have him over Boykin are lying to themselves. I'd rather have a rookie with something to prove than Jackson any day.
Somehow the Tarvaris Jackson (autocorrect prefers "Tartarus", may be onto something there) to Troy Williamson combo didn't end up an offensive juggernaut. Some hard years for the fans.
I watched a video of a dude who caught his girlfriend cheating with another dude, he soon realized that the guy had a gun and instead of just chilling out and keeping a calm head, he replied "you're not gonna shoot me" and was clearly riling him up. He ended up getting shot and the first words he said (after the screaming) was "I didn't do anything".
Point is that giving no fucks and having no awareness of the situation will most likely lead to violence
[deleted] ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 14:45:10 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
But the thing is you aren't "getting shot anyway". If you try to de-escalate the situation rather than antagonize them there's a chance they won't set off on you and choose to fire.
I agree. I have had handguns pulled on me twice. Both times they let me go after I complied.
Guns are usually used as tools of intimidation and personally there is nothing I own that is worth my life.
Also I used to hunt and I know how much damage a bullet actually does.
CashCop ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 13:44:46 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I had a guy pull a gun on me in traffic, while his windows were rolled up. Mind you he's driving a pretty nice new car and there's no way he's just going to fuck it up by shooting the window out. I just laughed a little and shrugged, sure enough he just drove away without doing a thing.
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 13:51:37 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Ever shot a gun in a car? It hurts.
[deleted] ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 07:02:45 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
[deleted]
Kahandran ยท 9 points ยท Posted at 07:26:00 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I think he cut it short intentionally to make it seem as though he died to a
Or the killer is sadistic and wants to see you scared and begging. By remaining bold to the final moment you deny him that satisfaction. It may be enough to stall and buy yourself some more time.
Or y'know, take a bullet.
[deleted] ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 06:28:03 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Yolo
Malcheon ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 06:37:11 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I mean... he was a terrific college player so I don't think anyone can call him bad. That was back before Sam Bradford forced them to change the rules and rookies made bank. They paid Tavares before he ever took a snap, just like bradford.
[deleted] ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 06:26:31 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Romo also has a winning record in games he has actually started at QB by a good margin, is statistically the best 4th quarter QB in the NFL, and has put up insane stats with shitty talent around him.
I actually hate the cowboys but I always use Romo to judge people on how much they actually know about football.
When's the last time the Cowboys were even in an NFC Championship game? I'm literally saying the job is hard and not many people can do it. The fact that Romo is still around means he gets paid millions to maybe get a couple playoff wins in his career.
I don't know his stats, I'm more focused on college football, honestly.
[deleted] ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 07:27:33 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Judging a QB by his post season career isn't a good benchmark. Marino is considered a GOAT and never did much.
He gets paid millions because he does his job and he does it well. He has played with teams way worse than his talent level for almost his whole career and has won a lot of games.
Personally I think Jerry Jones needs to stop playing owner, president, and GM and let someone with real football knowledge make personnel decisions.
Got a white kitty, brown, and tabby too and a big orange guy who puts snakes in my shoes! Mad MC skills leave me strut, and i roll with my kitties and im hard as fuck!
๐๏ธ Koean ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:04:55 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Ouch, did he shoot?
SirRogers ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:10:48 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Man, I felt the heat from that all the way over here
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[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:15:53 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
RQK1996 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 09:03:52 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
reminds me of a dutch resentence fighter from WWII, she was a notorious executioner to the Germans, when she was finally caught she was executed and story goes that the first pistol shot missed and her last words were apparently: if I shot I would have hit, after that she was shot by iirc 5 machine guns, she was the only one to be executed
baevar ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 09:32:56 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Women slams are the best, coldhearted, calculated, it's often over in one with everyone like "Daaaaaamn" Whereas male slams are usually (not always of course) a pissing contest. "Oh yeah? well at least I'm not fat." "At least I drive a nicer care than you can afford"
Smigg_e ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 09:38:20 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Whaaaaaaaaaaat????? I didn't even hear about that. T jack is a nice guy what the hell?
wapproval ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 09:43:17 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Where did you hear/see this?
kafros ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 10:23:32 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
You're correct. I should have mentioned that it was a joke between people (and apparently teachers) they thought he was gay because he would wear such bright colored clothes but it's because he loves colors. He didn't subject himself to dark clothes just because that's what all the other guys did. I am quite girly and he wore just as much or even brighter of clothing than I did. They always thought he was gay and I was just his mask.
But, if he were to be getting another boyfriend, that would mean he had a boyfriend previously. I could assume this means OP is a boy, but then this would just be a plain statement of fact.
I understand what you mean, but I guess I would say "He left you to get his own boyfriend" if that was what I meant. So instead I am living with this mental image of OP never having realized, she was the one insulted.
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:09:16 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
But, if he were to be getting another boyfriend,
She didn't say another boyfriend, she said another guy.
lenhart3 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 07:03:10 on September 18, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
oh actually i read it again and another guy might mean she looks like a dude my bad
Everyone else has it right. I should have mentioned that it was a joke between people (and apparently teachers) they thought he was gay because he would wear such bright colored clothes but it's because he loves colors. He didn't subject himself to dark clothes just because that's what all the other guys did. I am quite girly and he wore just as much or even brighter of clothing than I did. They always thought he was gay and I was just his mask.
Everyone else has it right. I should have mentioned that it was a joke between people (and apparently teachers) they thought he was gay because he would wear such bright colored clothes but it's because he loves colors. He didn't subject himself to dark clothes just because that's what all the other guys did. I am quite girly and he wore just as much or even brighter of clothing than I did. They always thought he was gay and I was just his mask.
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 04:55:02 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Of course he was
2fly2hyde ยท 28 points ยท Posted at 02:31:48 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Sounds strange to me. If a guy ever has to actually tell people he isn't interested in guys, that raises questions. 99% of genuinely straight guys never have to make that statement. Unless it's to a gay guy trying to pick them up.
I should have mentioned that it was a joke between people (and apparently teachers) they thought he was gay because he would wear such bright colored clothes but it's because he loves colors. He didn't subject himself to dark clothes just because that's what all the other guys did. I am quite girly and he wore just as much or even brighter of clothing than I did. They always thought he was gay and I was just his mask.
Jayayewhy ยท 10 points ยท Posted at 06:09:34 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
It has been my experience that ethnic minorities have more traditional gender expectations than mainstream white culture. The black vote was huge in denying gay marriage in California a couple of years back. It might be uncomfortable to discuss, but I think black and Hispanic men would agree with me. I grew up in Northwest Indiana which is pretty culturally diverse. Lots of different ethnicities. In my experience, the above poster makes a valid point in mentioning his town is mostly hispanic. 99 percent of straight guys probably don't have their sexuality questioned in white areas. In more diverse areas people will wonder if you are gay or something is wrong with you if you are single.
[deleted] ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 04:53:53 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I've known that type, ain't saying you are, but who hasn't known an aquaintance you assumed was gay and later he introduces you to his wife and his three kids? Stereotypes exist for a reason but they are far from facts.
2fly2hyde ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 04:32:23 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Interesting
hopswage ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 04:21:21 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I'm not interested in guysโฆ usually.
2fly2hyde ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 04:32:47 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Exactly
hopswage ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 04:41:50 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
He could be that special type of "pretty." I've noticed the prettiest dudes I know -- it's almost a look -- are gay. No idea what the connection is there, but I swear it's a thing.
conquer69 ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 09:58:17 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I am asked if I'm gay quite frequently by gay guys and some girls also made that assumption. People just make their minds and don't even check if their assumptions are correct.
castillar ยท 2346 points ยท Posted at 00:51:19 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Couple years into college I ran into a friend from high school that I hadn't seen since we graduated. When we graduated, I'd been dating M, who promptly dumped me on my ass when we got to college.
FRIEND: So, how's M? You guys still together, or what?
ME: Err, no, we broke up when we got to college.
FRIEND: *honest-to-god jumping up and down and clapping in delight* Oo, YAY! Does that mean we can finally all tell you she's a huge bitch? Oh, boy! Hey, <boyfriend>, get in here! He isn't with M anymore--we can tell him she's a bitch now!
_poppies_ ยท 821 points ยท Posted at 01:56:10 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I had a friend like that too. We didn't immediately start talking shit about her, we just kind of let him come into it. Fresh break up can be tender.
castillar ยท 74 points ยท Posted at 01:59:46 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Yeah, fortunately she dumped me hard, so I was more than willing to dish about itโwas still in that 'F that crazy witch' phase.
[deleted] ยท 57 points ยท Posted at 03:00:09 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
[deleted]
castillar ยท 30 points ยท Posted at 03:02:09 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I figured I might as well not preemptively drop the f-bomb in the middle of the conversation. I've been working on that lately. :)
Wickywire ยท 7 points ยท Posted at 07:21:50 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
*heck
FTFY
baevar ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 09:29:35 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
H-E-double hockey sticks bruh, best of both worlds
_poppies_ ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 02:01:38 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I feel dat
rahtin ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 08:15:14 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Then you get back together and everything is super awkward.
Quazifuji ยท 8 points ยท Posted at 06:51:28 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I had a friend in high school who dated a girl, we'll call her Emily, who none of us really liked for a while. The, one day, he sat down with us at lunch h and began repeatedly singing "Emily is a bitch." We all got a good laugh out of it.
Later, in college, a friend noticed that I was friends with Emily on Facebook. She asked how I knew her, I told her, and she immediately went into a rant about how crazy Emily was. Apparently they'd met at summer camp.
Yep, never immediately bad mouth a friend's recent ex. Give it some time, and just slowly ease them into it. Otherwise, there's the very real possibility that they could get back together again right after you finished trashing the ex.
[deleted] ยท 58 points ยท Posted at 02:38:39 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I was oblivious to the fact that my ex-boyfriend was not a particularly likeable person, up until I broke up with him (he cheated on me via Craigslist. CRAIGSLIST!). After that was over and done with, suddenly all of our friends--even the ones who knew him before me, let all their reservations about him out. Most of the complaints centred around his weirdness/creepiness, and that they only tolerated him because of me.
Let's just say it was a lesson well learnt for me!
Manse_ ยท 22 points ยท Posted at 03:43:51 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
This was my divorce. I called my best bud, who was my roommate at one point before I was engaged but was dating said girl. His first words were "So what's the proper length of time before I'm allowed to say I told you so?"
castillar ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 12:48:54 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I do that with my friends girlfriend already though. Can't be too careful and say something nice and give her the impression that I like spending time with her
A great comeback to that would have been, "yeah but you didn't let me finish. She's dead".
castillar ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 13:39:17 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Dammit, missed an opportunity for trolling!
alexheil ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 05:24:49 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
And you were all like "yeah, duh, primary source here!," right?
[deleted] ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 09:48:51 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
one of my closer friends friends did something similar about my now ex when we broke up. she actually was not a bitch but he just did not like her. we ended up back together after that but our friendship wasnt the same after that anymore...
We are not together anymore unfortunately but she is an amazing girl and this guy decided to bash on her because he didnt personally like her...thats just a bad move
castillar ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 12:52:11 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Yeah, definitely a gamble. If I'd wound up back together with her (and thank goodness I didn't, she was nuts), it would have been REALLY awkward...
I should have mentioned that it was a joke between people (and apparently teachers) they thought he was gay because he would wear such bright colored clothes but it's because he loves colors. He didn't subject himself to dark clothes just because that's what all the other guys did.
I should have mentioned that it was a joke between people (and apparently teachers) they thought he was gay because he would wear such bright colored clothes but it's because he loves colors. He didn't subject himself to dark clothes just because that's what all the other guys did. So no the teacher was not calling me manly. I am actually very girly. He was almost just as colorfully dressed as me.
I should have mentioned that it was a joke between people (and apparently teachers) they thought he was gay because he would wear such bright colored clothes but it's because he loves colors. He didn't subject himself to dark clothes just because that's what all the other guys did.
Wickywire ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 07:19:33 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
...What is the comeback here? I just don't see it. Unless, of course, if your ex was an outspoken and well-known homophobic.
I should have mentioned that it was a joke between people (and apparently teachers) they thought he was gay because he would wear such bright colored clothes but it's because he loves colors. He didn't subject himself to dark clothes just because that's what all the other guys did. So people thought he was gay for what he wore.
clausport ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 14:36:44 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Is this even a comeback? Hard to tell without context, but isn't the teacher just asking the perfectly legitimate question "did it turn out that he was gay?"
I should have mentioned that it was a joke between people (and apparently teachers) they thought he was gay because he would wear such bright colored clothes but it's because he loves colors. He didn't subject himself to dark clothes just because that's what all the other guys did.
[deleted] ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 07:04:42 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Are you a man or a woman? Because I assumed that you where gay at first and was pretty confused.
No, I am a woman. I should have mentioned that it was a joke between people (and apparently teachers) they thought he was gay because he would wear such bright colored clothes but it's because he loves colors. He didn't subject himself to dark clothes just because that's what all the other guys did.
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:57:28 on September 19, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
[deleted]
guy1138 ยท -1 points ยท Posted at 07:04:25 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
sounds like a pretty dick move from your teacher, BUT....
After a decade or so, you have to figure that high school teachers see enough closeted adolescents that they can predict who is going to "come out" in college.
rose788 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 12:23:48 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Starts in elementary school, we can see them in first grade. When you are around kids constantly you pick up each of their personalities.
I should have mentioned that it was a joke between people (and apparently teachers) they thought he was gay because he would wear such bright colored clothes but it's because he loves colors. He didn't subject himself to dark clothes just because that's what all the other guys did.
[deleted] ยท 32 points ยท Posted at 05:06:18 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Dumb cunt redneck in my class was being an ass to a semi retarded kid in class, something about blow jobs, and the teacher speaks up "Jeffery, you should have been swallowed, now shut the hell up or get out of my class."
[deleted] ยท 33 points ยท Posted at 03:25:45 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)*
A former thirteen-year-old student of mine confided in me, "Mister, ain't nuttin' wrong wit' jackin' (stealing)."
I stuck out my hand for him to shake it. With a confused look, he reached out his hand. As I began to shake it, I maintained eye contact with him and told him with all sincerity, "Have fun in jail."
Edit: Just looked him up. He is 22 now and has been arrested at least twice, once for possession of under two oz. of marijuana in a drug-free zone and possessing an illegal weapon, and the other for indecent exposure.
[deleted] ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 18:23:19 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I stuck out my hand for him to shake it. With a confused look, he reached out his hand. As I began to shake it, I maintained eye contact with him and told him with all sincerity,
"I agree, but I should tell you, I haven't washed my hands"
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 14:47:01 on September 19, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Where do you teach?
megagreg ยท 11 points ยท Posted at 04:32:52 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
That reminds me of one my gym teacher said to someone who was acting up: "go stand in the hall with all your friends." He was the only person ever sent to stand in the hall.
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 14:46:25 on September 19, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
That's hilarious. This teacher also made us sit in the hall on the day we were learning about "Cervical mucus" because we couldn't be quiet or serious.
At our school prom, some student's BF was being a total arse and making loud stupid noises during the headteachers' speech (Catholic school, too). Later on that evening, she sat down next to him and calmly said "I'd just like to let you know that you'll go nowhere in life and will always be a failure in the eyes of those around you." In all fairness, the guy is a total arsehole anyway and it seems her prediction is coming true!
We could all feel the heat rippling out from that burn.
This might be funny for us to read now, but call me too nice for this world, yet in my opinion this is not something a teacher should ever say to their student. Ever.
Given the context, this was probably after or just before the student's graduation, and you don't know what the teacher and student's relationship was like. It could have been a lighthearted joke.
But I agree with you that if it was serious or while they were still having classes, it would have been an awful and unprofessional thing to say.
You see, he deliberately misunderstood an extremely common and widely-understood figure of speech!
Snitsie ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 10:32:08 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Reminds me of that time i met a high school teacher in a library after i had graduated and was studying at university. He greeted me with "Hey anon! Well this is the absolute last place i'd have expected to meet you!"
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 06:16:48 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Theres potentially an even bigger comeback in 20 years
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 07:09:18 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Was your friend of the jailbait calibre?
upads ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 07:30:25 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
That's what my teacher said to me...
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 07:51:37 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
[deleted]
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 14:45:01 on September 19, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
No! She is in a jazz band and works at the grocery store. She's just a real crazy hyper individual and used to drive our teacher up the wall with her antics.
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 08:07:29 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
"Pretty good, the other convicts don't fuck with you if you're in for murder, especially when the victim is a teacher."
[deleted] ยท 751 points ยท Posted at 02:02:41 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
It was was during lunch at high school when this kid with really bad crossed eyes made fun of this Asian kid. He was just saying stereotypical things like, Asians can't drive and etc. The Asian kid replies with " you I'm really jealous of you, when you cross the street you don't need to look both ways." Everyone was dying, laughing so hard.
An associate of mine used to pick on his Mexican coworker by calling him Pedro knowing that's not his name. One day he saw him and greeted him with, "What's up Pedro!?"
The unexpected response dropped without missing a beat: "What's up negro?"
That was the last time he was picked on by my associate.
Lol, my buddy had a lazy eye and when every we were arguing about something with him we'd always so "look at me straight when I'm talking to you!" and it would always end it. It was a dick move but we constantly roasted each other.
5HITCOMBO ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 11:51:13 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
My brother's bachelor weekend, we went camping and canoeing. We were hanging out at our campsite drinking beers, and couple of my brother's friends were standing around joking with eachother. One of the guys' last names was Wozniak, and he had "Woz" tattooed on his arm. The other guy, who was a short guy, probably no more than 5'0", looks at his tattoo and says "what does that say? 'Wuss'?" And Wozniak without missing a beat nudges the cooler over to the short guy with his foot and says "climb up on that and maybe you'll be able to read it a little better." Probably the smoothest comeback I've ever seen.
MacDerfus ยท 748 points ยท Posted at 01:29:03 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Aaaand now I'm trying to imagine apple-based burns.
Did he happen to have thug life alsp tattood on his stomach? Serious question
Meisje28 ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 11:36:24 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Instantly climbs up and reads it perfectly. So what's up, your mother forgot to pull your head out at birth that you can't remember your name without it?
gangtokay ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 08:01:08 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
weekend, we went camping and canoeing
Thank you so much stranger. There's a Water Sports Training Centre and I've been wanting to check it out. But I just keep forgetting to get the timings that's hanging in the office. You reminded me of it today. I'm gonna check it out.
I did something like that, once. A short guy I didn't know was getting in my tall friend's face and yelling about how he was going to kick his ass.
I made a stirrup with my hands and asked, "Boost up?"
In retrospect, this was probably not the best way to disrupt a potential prison fight. It worked, though. Everyone started laughing and forgot why they were mad.
Daedry ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 12:51:58 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I'm pretty short as well, but I learnt to laugh about it as years went by
One time at one of my previous jobs, some of my colleagues were teasing me about my height, and a new coworker says:
''Wow, that was a low blow''
and another friend/coworker answers;
''Of course it's a low blow, otherwise it would go right over Derp's head''
My brother is 6'4" and constant for asked if he played basketball, which annoyed him. One day some short woman said"i bet you play basketball as tall as you are" and he turned around and said "and I bet you play miniature golf"
is it really heckling if you do 10 minutes of crowdwork and encourage that? At that part isn't it what hecklers actually think they are doing when they heckle?
4tchan ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 06:32:00 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
If this is true then it's the first time I've heard of a heckler winning. Wish it had happened to Steve Hofstetter. That guy gets heckled all the time and manages to win.
From Somewhere or Other :
'you shall either die of the pox or on the gallows'
'That depends, sir, whether I embrace your mistress or your principles'
[deleted] ยท 51 points ยท Posted at 07:01:20 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Ooooooo. A girl I knew told this quiet girl in school "I hope you die in a car accident," and the quiet girl said "I'll probably choke to death and your boyfriend will bleed to death if that is the case," it was beautiful. God, high school is savage.
[deleted] ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 11:19:36 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
The quiet girl was giving him a blowjob when the car accident happened.
She's implying that she'd bite off his dick on accident, and she'd choke on his dis-member. He'd bleed to death because he'd have an erection and lose a lot of blood when his dick is cut off.
ryegye24 ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 21:47:08 on September 22, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Side note: basically every interaction between Churchill and Astor was golden. Another example,
A: Sir you're drunk!
C: And you, madame, are ugly, but tomorrow I shall be sober!
and
C: Would you sleep with me for a million pounds?
A: ...perhaps
C: Would you sleep with me for 100 pounds?
A: What kind of woman do you think I am?!
C: We've already determined what kind of woman you are, now we're simply negotiating on price.
timmay5127 ยท 2935 points ยท Posted at 00:08:50 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I was at the skate park and two black kids got into a roasting session. One kid said something along the lines of "your hair looks like a fuckin cheeto." to which the kid replied with, "your hair looks like you're trying to get your kids back from CPS."
This is what I guessed too. First kid is making fun of cheeto-hair for looking a little crazy, second kid is making fun of cps guy for looking boring/prim and proper. I.e. he's a try-hard because he's trying to convince people he's respectable, instead of being chill and looking cool.
lilyrae ยท -4 points ยท Posted at 06:37:07 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
"Preppy/proper" does not lose your children to CPS.
rayyvenne ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 07:16:30 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
This one made me go, " ooOohhh" out loud under my breath.
And also miss my kids.
Edited to clarify: foster mom in an urban area. Was the one who had to give them back to the 'try too hard' haircut. Also, my kids are all fucking savages.
Haha yeah I always come back to this video once in a while. As soon as you said two black kids roasting eachother in a skatepark I immediately thought of this.
Those brats need to have their foul mouths washed out with soap. My mom would have grounded me for life if she ever caught me using so much foul language at that age.
UglyStru ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 07:30:37 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I don't know what it is about black folks that makes them so good with roasting. I went to high school in a pretty urban community and used to get flamed so hard at the lunch table. Life was a bitch, man.
When I was around twelve years old, my aunt and my fourteen year-old cousin, her son, arrived in their car to pick me and my brother up from our place to go to theirs. As my brother and I climb into the backseat, my cousin sneezes into a tissue and tosses the snotty wad into the cup holder between him and his mom. "I don't want any shit in my car," she warns, to which my cousin responds by sighing, turning around from the passenger seat to look at me, and saying, "Sorry, looks like you gotta go."
This reminds me of one time my home economics teacher asked me, if i could take the trash to the outdoor bin. I grabbed my friends hand and told him: "Well, you heard her".
Nitrostoat ยท 11285 points ยท Posted at 03:27:20 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Dude at my gym who is overweight has been working it off, slowly but surely, for a few months. This new guy comes in one day and starts trying to flirt with the receptionist (who is the overweight guys wife)
He decides to loudly ask why that dude is so fat if he is at the gym.
The receptionist looks at him for a long moment and then says
"Because every time we screw I let him lick chocolate sauce off me."
I nearly died laughing that day.
snipergosh ยท 2003 points ยท Posted at 05:56:42 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Good one! I remember a similar exchange that took place in a cricket match.
Aussie player: Why are you so fat?
Zimbabwe player: Because every time I make love to your wife, she gives me a biscuit.
[deleted] ยท 490 points ยท Posted at 06:51:41 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Don't forget the context here. That guy's (Glenn McGrath) wife had breast cancer at the time and unfortunately she passed away.
Absolute savagery.
smigga ยท 239 points ยท Posted at 07:04:18 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
McGrath(or his wife) has been on the receiving end of another savagery too.
McGrath : what does Brian Lara's dick taste like?
Sarwan : why don't you ask your wife?
NickTM ยท 34 points ยท Posted at 07:54:43 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
For someone who's been so thoroughly and repeatedly burned by his sledging, you'd have assumed Glenn McGrath would have done it less often really.
smigga ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 12:57:45 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
The man couldn't help himself
shlam16 ยท 11 points ยท Posted at 11:14:42 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Then McGrath grabbed him by his shirt and said "if you ever say another word about my wife I will rip your fucking throat out", or something along those lines.
smigga ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 12:59:27 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)*
For a bowler with an exceptional command over his line and length, the line of sledging that he took always backfired
I think this was before she was diagnosed....
The sarwan incident though was shortly after diagnosis... and McGrath went fucking mental after the sledge.
ljb23 ยท 8 points ยท Posted at 07:48:14 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Yep, the Brandes sledge was well before.
ljb23 ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 07:48:44 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Not the case though. The Brandes sledge was well before she was diagnosed.
[deleted] ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 08:26:40 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
That's kind of too far I feel, but I guess that's the point
If only they had the sense to put a roof over the biscuits, the great rain wouldn't have made them all soggy.
KeransHQ ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 07:47:45 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I've heard that comeback before, but heard it that it was asked of the actor that played Harold Bishop on Aussie soap opera Neighbours by a tourist on a tour of the Neighbours sets
Other way around its was the Ozzie 'shane long' who said it. Shane long probably doesn't exist mind but it was definitely an Ozzie who had the comeback.
Or from a previous thread:
"Because every time I fuck your mom she bakes me a cake!"
Story was that was to his gym teacher, who turned red in the face and exploded into laughter.
Jms1078 ยท 81 points ยท Posted at 06:21:57 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Thats actually really sweet of her.
muraenae ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 18:10:28 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Goddamn it, take my upvote you clever bastard.
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 22:25:10 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
He licked that off too.
[deleted] ยท -2 points ยท Posted at 08:26:06 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
[deleted]
AmAShill ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:47:05 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Incoming, an airplane is landing!
Whoooosh
creechr ยท 1333 points ยท Posted at 05:14:17 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
A professor is giving a seminar at a university. It is the first lesson of the year, he has never worked with these students, so he decides to get acquainted.
"Which one of you is Albert Einstein?"
One student stands up.
That student's name?
Albert Einstein.
Qexodus ยท 28 points ยท Posted at 05:50:06 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
It's more that the line sounds more like something from a sitcom more than something that would've happened in real life, to me. No one talks like that.
AmondaPls ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 07:04:18 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
But like, when you think about it from his perspective, he likely STILL wasn't really picking up what was going on and just thought she was being bizarrely sexual.
Prof_Doom ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 07:24:24 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
PLease tell me he left in shame and never came back!
That has to be the stupidest question I've ever heard someone ask. You go to the gym to lose weight/maintain your current weight as well as working on muscles.
Astrobomb ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 07:40:16 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
baevar ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 09:23:22 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
It's a stupid question in the first place..to burn off the fat obviously. I'm alright with fat jokes most of the time but bagging on someone who's jogging or exercising is total bullshit. It's like bagging on an alcoholic outside an AA meeting. Why shame them if they're literally in the act of doing something about it?! They're obviously just stroking their own ego, not trying to affect a positive change through social cues. Applaud them, "good for you for taking the first step."Just cruel, pompous, vacuous assholes that conveniently forget how they looked before they started working out at that point.
What a stupid comment to begin with. For all he knew the overweight guy started working out that morning. You don't lose weight the second you step into a gym
no college on the face of this planet would allow shared accounts, if nothing else to limit liability in case any dispute arises. And even if they did, it wouldn't be a reason to have a shared reddit account.
but if you cared to tell us which college you're talking about, we could quickly check their policies. Would that be oxford university, where you have never been? or some other university from oxford that has libraries with a similar name and a library card that looks the same? or the famous MADNUS university that doesn't exist on Google, has servers conveniently down and apparently harbors interesting characters? or maybe it is the Newcastle Academy, where you played as a midfielder until you got transferred to Totthenam?
madnus ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 20:25:07 on September 18, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
You made those up, the only university this account belongs to is M.A.D.N.U.S university which is on google, you just have to go a few pages through because its not american
[deleted] ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 20:50:28 on September 18, 2016 ยท (Permalink)*
[deleted]
madnus ยท -1 points ยท Posted at 23:28:14 on September 18, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Again, just because you havent experienced much outside, dosent mean its not there. A famous quote by a very wise buddhist:
When a tree falls in the forest, does nobody hear it?
Similar to your accusations. Just because you haven't heard of the university (because its european perhaps?) Dosent mean its not real.
Oh and the university only takes people who are mature and brainy, not 12 year old girls. We all represent the school and headteacher maturely and nobody will bring shame to our school as we are all adults.
When a tree falls in the forest, does nobody hear it?
the original is much more profound that you'll ever be able to grasp.
It goes like this: "when a tree falls in a forest and nobody is around, does it make a sound".
and it was not from a buddhist, wise or otherwise (see https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/If_a_tree_falls_in_a_forest), although I cannot be sure that no Buddhist has elaborated on some similar concepts ever. And so probably did Greek philosophers.
now what this original or your version has anything to do with the fact that madnus exists only in your sick mind, we do not know.
Oh and the university only takes people who are mature and brainy
you mean the non-existent university takes normal people in and turn them into, ... into you? then humanity can be glad it doesn't exist.
all those university are in your post history, the only I've made up is the Newcastle Academy. And the story of the Oxford library card was sweetly sad.
madnus is not on Google because google doesn't index your mind. URL, please?
madnus ยท -1 points ยท Posted at 21:34:52 on September 18, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Im on the app atm ill give you the url tomorrow, and the oxford thing was part of an exchange, i thought it was obvious. M.A.D.N.U.S is a top university and we regularly share research with cambridge/oxford, the ID was proif of that.
tomorrow, tomorrow, there's always a tomorrow. We're still waiting for those RPG tiles of yours. And you're on an app connected enough to do reddit, but not connected enough to to check a freaking URL, if you even don't remember it by heart, which is hard to believe.
Tomorrow MADNUS will continue its non-existence, as it will the day after tomorrow. And you'll continue to be the sorry excuse for a human being that you're today.
the oxford thing was part of an exchange, i thought it was obvious
the only obvious thing here is the sad state of whatever remains of your mind.
we regularly share research with cambridge/oxford, the ID was proif of that
the ID was initially proof that you where at Oxford. When you were proven lying you said "oh, you meant Oxford UK?" and then made up the story of a university that had a library w/ the same name (and I guess surprisingly similar ID cards). Cambridge was not in that lie.
The only person who looks silly is you. You're not convincing at all. All across this site, you try to make arrogant statements and get called out, and you get easily tripped up. You struggle to keep your stories straight, so you make up that 'other people use your account as well'. You are a sad liar, and you need to give this up. Nobody believes you, you have no credibility, and it will improve your life to give this up.
You are currently a liar, but you don't have to continue.
madnus ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 09:28:01 on September 19, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Jericho4l ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 18:20:45 on September 19, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
That piece of crap website took too much time to worry about spelling and grammar? Why would a university use a free website builder? Even the smallest of universities would have an IT department to handle the hosting and building of its website. Or did they let the 74 year old premier league playing video game designing SAS member design it? If the video games he develops are anything like the website his school uses he will need to find another line of work. I wouldn't want to put him in charge of snake control in Ireland. I haven't laughed so hard at someone else's pitiful attempt to prove themselves right to internet strangers in a while. All that you have proven here is that you are still shit at lying. You are pathetic and your attempts to prove Reddit wrong are lamentable.
madnus ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 19:16:10 on September 19, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Moron, those are different people the 74 year old is the caretaker he isnt the head of IT
wow, he learnt a new word, it took only 4 repetitions!
maybe if we insist enough we might be able to teach him about 'proof' (a noun, as a verb it doesn't mean what he thinks it means) and 'to prove' (which is what he's typically looking for without finding it), and while we're at it, we can add that 'proif' doesn't exist in conventional English.
those are different people the 74 year old is the caretaker he isnt the head of IT
then try to switch them, because the head of IT is a non-existing incompetent; and the non-existing 74 year old has plenty of free time given that he's playing FIFA.
Moron. No, he already knows that one, let's try 'false proofs provider trying to prove the unprovable'
Jericho4l ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 20:05:28 on September 19, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I once tried showing him the diffence between proof and prove by posting a link to Dictionary.com and Merriam-Webster and he said "anyone can post incorrect information to the internet, go read a paper dictionary". He would know all about posting fake information on the internet. Maybe we should request a paper copy of his "university" handbook.
[deleted] ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 20:09:51 on September 19, 2016 ยท (Permalink)*
[deleted]
madnus ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 21:19:58 on September 19, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I linked a website which is proof of the university and people being real so there
wow again: for the first time since ever he used 'proof' correctly. Unfortunately the rest of the sentence is not up to par with this achievement.
that site only proves that you're an idiot, not that we needed proofs for that (see, proves-proof)
Jericho4l ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 21:39:09 on September 19, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
That website isn't proof of anything beyond the fact that you took the time and very little effort to create a crudely designed webpage on a free website builder to try and sustain your lies.
madnus ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 21:47:58 on September 19, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Photos dont take themselfs, the web team spent weeks getting everything ready for the website launch ot just isnt finished to perfecto yet
Photos don't take themselves? that is indeed right, you took them from the web, all four of them. This is just one I was bored enough to search (you know there's this search for images thing?):
You do realise if its on google it means its on a website right? Aka ours.
Is there a limit to your stupidity? the only site with those images that is not indexed by Google is yours. So much for that pile of crap 'took a long time because 4 photos don't take themselves'. You clearly grabbed a few photos, drag-and-drop them on a pre-made template on a free web-preparation/hosting service. Up to here everything was reasonably professional (except for the advertisement for the free service, of course). Then you added text, 5 or 6 sentences with enough errors to let us know you actually did that part.
What are you trying to proof
oh, fuck. And when I just started to hope we were past proof/prove...
Edit: not even that much. He just added errors to a pre-built template without even grabbing photos from the web.
the realMADNUS University coming when I get the entire 2 minutes it took to this idiot to come up with his ... prove? proif? proof? well, one of those. Not as important as the question: When a tree falls in the forest, does nobody hear it?
Edit: and after a whole 10 minutes of hard work by my entire web team, I present you with therealMADNUSUniversity. Apologizes if it is not finished to perfecto yet. Moron.
Jericho4l ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 07:27:41 on September 20, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Except your "university" website does not show up on google and the building you stole an image of is at Southern Methodist.
This has me rolling. As a fellow "this guy is incredibly full of shit" person, I applaud your effort. I'm starting to get concerned about two things though... that he refuses to acknowledge his blatant lies, and honestly, that he can't even get any better at this. He's been lying for a long time now, you think he'd get a tad more skillful in deception. It's sad and getting sadder.
madnus ยท -1 points ยท Posted at 20:33:41 on September 20, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Congrats youve learned how to steal someones website though have fun getting sued millions of euros i hope you can afford it :)
go get a new email address, register a new reddit nick and start afresh.
or keep going like this, it is fun for us; but you? you have to live with yourself for the rest of your life and believe me, it is not going to be a good company unless you change your ways drastically.
madnus ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 21:29:14 on September 20, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Which member of M.A.D.N.U.S university was this adressed to?
the botanist, the history professor, the FIFA player, the swedish, the paramedic, the historian, the professional photographer, the freedom figher, the premiere league player
vs
therealMADNUS
your Honor, we have this copyright 2023 to defend in the name of a non-existent University of Life, also known as MADNUS, equally non-existent; because, you Honor, we exist, we are on google, you just have to scroll a few pages, maybe because we're in Europe?
yes, the website is not finished to perfecto, but still we have our rights. Sorry if we don't have apostrophes on our keyboards.
and the judge will go silent for a while and then hardly staying serious, he would whisper "moron, you haven't proofed anything, but tell me again that thing of the tree in the forest"
Jericho4l ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 21:17:12 on September 20, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Haha good luck with that. You being a fucking idiot and all, I doubt anyone is worried about being sued by a non-existent institution though. And if that shit design of a website is worth millions then I just realized I'm richer than Bill Gates.
Jericho4l ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 22:21:43 on September 19, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
*themselves
Jericho4l ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 19:33:42 on September 19, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
stuai ยท -1 points ยท Posted at 08:52:57 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Does anyone else find this one cringey?
TheFerg69 ยท -2 points ยท Posted at 06:14:05 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
But when did he get the 100 dollars from Einstein?
echolax ยท 7561 points ยท Posted at 23:44:03 on September 16, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
The kid who plays Mike from "Stranger Things" was on Jimmy Fallon's show. The kid was trying to read a note card that was for one of the games they were playing on the show. The kid mike struggles to read the card and jimmy says, "Can you read?"Mike says,"Can you host?" I laughed way to hard at this savagery.
Mines the stereotypical 'posh' sounding one too. I couldn't think of a better option for where I live now if asked. Great when meeting people, job interviews love it. "Sounds very professional" etc.
It sounds normal to me, but I'm glad it's turned out to be an asset. My husband is a southerner and I feel the same way about his accent. Just gets me going lol.
I used to work at walmart with an older Welsh lady who had a lovely RP accent. As a nerd that grew up in rural Arkansas (but don't sound like it, thankfully) I used to love chatting with her when we took cigarette breaks. I was still in college and hadn't travelled, yet. She was one of my few glimpses into a non-rural, non-Southern-US world.
If anyone reads my comment, go into it knowing this is stupid, hardly relevant, and me just talking about my life.
There's this girl in my English class, was born in England. I tried to introduce myself and sat next to her after class was over. I didn't prepare myself with questions, so here I am, searching for questions to avoid awkward long pauses and this guy walks up and starts to answer questions for her. Little did I know it was a friend of hers. It was very much uncomfortable for me to say the least.
Next time we had class together, I avoided all eye contact with the pretty girl with an accent because I was embarrassed of the first impression I gave.
Yesterday, we were assigned to meet in front of the museum on campus and I she's the first person I recognize from class, not sitting with anyone, and just before I go to sit down, we lock eyes, she smiles, and Mr. warmechanic somehow finds the courage once again to sit next to her. This time without the darn cockblock and it was almost like last week didn't happen.
So, I'm excited to share to reddit that possible my next girlfriend will happen to have the cutest accent ever. Though!โ without ever hearing her voice, she happened to be the first girl that crossed eyes with me.
Gosh, I'm turning back into a giddy 12 year old boy.
If you don't think these kids are amazing, you have no soul.
wildism ยท 12 points ยท Posted at 08:07:51 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Yeah right?! I was watching this thinking, "Jesus christ, I wish I was that cool when I was their age..."
[deleted] ยท 18 points ยท Posted at 08:57:35 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Imagine being like 12 years old or whatever and admitting in front of millions of people that you cried because of a fire alarm or sleep with a night light, and completely own it like that. Really cool, I couldve never pulled that off at that age.
[deleted] ยท 65 points ยท Posted at 04:41:19 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Youtuber Shawn Thomas with the gold ""Can I read? Can you host?" DAMN MIKE GOING FROM DUNGEONS AND DRAGONS TO ROASTING REAL QUICK๏ปฟ"
muffy2008 ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 23:29:48 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
That would be a fun party game.
erinno ยท 1699 points ยท Posted at 03:24:33 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
The funnier thing about this is he was also so shocked with what he said lmao kids and their lack of filter are sometimes really great
[deleted] ยท 100 points ยท Posted at 04:09:15 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
The only thing, though, is I think it's gonna be like The Breakfast Club, where in 20 years, people are gonna trace their careers. I think a few of them will be big stars, a few of them will have middling careers, and one will have some drug problems.
It's like the other kid in The Explorers, the one who wasn't River Phoenix or Ethan Hawke. Where's he now?
erinno ยท 62 points ยท Posted at 04:19:03 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
well that's unavoidable i guess :/ but i am counting on Eleven and Dustin to get far. i just hope they make the most out of their careers right now because damn,,,Stranger Things is a great show and they're a bunch of talented kids who seem p chill and let us cross our fingers that none of them becomes a methhead or something :^(
Well Gaten already has a pretty solid stage career he can always go back to if screen doesn't work out. So he will always have work, granted he doesn't fall into substance abuse.
erinno ยท 17 points ยท Posted at 05:14:03 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
he sings so well and is so talented i hope he is smart enough too to know better. anyway... I wanna befriend all the kids on that show but that is called being Creepy nowadays
I mean it's creepy anydays if you track them down to be friends with them. If you happen to bump into them and hit it off and become friends then that's normal
Child actors are like lottery winners now, they put a lot of effort into keeping them from going to the dark side. Look at the Harry Potter series. From what I gather they're nurturing innocence in them and not letting them grow up too fast. But you are probably right, half of them are type cast to fuck anyway.
Sangui ยท 17 points ยท Posted at 09:43:42 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Daniel Radcliffe was an alcoholic through like three of the Harry Potter movies and he says he doesn't remember filming them. He just realized he was fucking up and fixed that shit
I wonder who'll have the eventual sextape leaked while their career is at a low point and low media attention.
expateli ยท 16 points ยท Posted at 09:15:28 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
It's funny because nobody ever tells Jimmy that shit to his face, they say it to other famous people - just listen to the most recent "You Made It Weird" podcast with Bo Burnham. He shits on Jimmy hard, and without subtlety. It was awesome.
erinno ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 09:17:59 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
tbh Finn (Mike) should've also asked him "can your laugh be any faker?"
[deleted] ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 15:23:41 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)*
[deleted]
expateli ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:38:01 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Yeah, 3rd one I guess. It's fucking 3 hours long but I really enjoyed it. Pete might have gotten a hernia from bursting out in laughter throughout much of the podcast. Is recommend it, great convo.
They only thing I'm taking away from that is that if Sharon did ask that, then that's an incredibly narrow minded and forward thing to say.
Jmandr2 ยท 8 points ยท Posted at 06:33:15 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Can we take a moment to talk about his name. Finn Wolfhard? This kid doesn't grow up to be the greatest action hero of all time I'm gonna be severely disappointed.
The best part is that it was complete instinct for this like 10 year old kid to destroy with a comeback, he even shocked himself with it.
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 12:33:02 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
He's 13. My nephew is the same age, and I can tell you that savagery is normal. Haha. They probably rib each other like that off camera so much that he forgot that he wasn't talking to one of his mates.
That kid is savage! As much as I liked the segment, that comment really made it
GonzoHST ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 10:56:02 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
4000+ upvotes for what basically equates to "I know I am, but what are you"?
Jesus Christ, Reddit. You're so embarrassing sometimes with your ridiculous circle jerks. The show really wasn't that good. You don't have to upvote EVERYTHING to do with it.
sojoe17 ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 03:01:25 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
no
MukKolgi ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 07:44:56 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Kids sometimes have the best comebacks. A few years back, a Danish girl won the Junior song contest. In a Radio interview people could call in and ask questions, but the people who called in where older and asked all sorts of weird questions. One guy asked what purchase she regretted the most, to which she replied (not missing a beat): "i'm elleven years old".
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 07:53:53 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Didn't even pick up the card you fuck, enjoy your karma!
coachrx ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 08:06:34 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
That spontaneous response is golden. I would say a 1/5 lifetime success rate would be about average on a knee jerk comeback being that well received. Now we have all the time in the world to research, brainstorm, even get some peer feedback before carefully crafting a text message or posting on the internet.
edit: Hell, that clip may have even been scripted, but I think my point remains valid.
Dotattoo ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 08:57:17 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Did you happen to mention this to someone in a bowling alley?
I'm a shit actor (Okay director). I laugh at things in that show that are not jokes.
[deleted] ยท 2225 points ยท Posted at 17:18:40 on September 16, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
A guy with a bad leg was talking to a workmate giving him shit for when he goes out drinking cause he stumbles and wobbles all over the place and my work mate said to him "What the fuck you talking about, you walk like that when you're sober"
I have a wobble as well you get effective at responding to those shots
[deleted] ยท -48 points ยท Posted at 05:13:12 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
[deleted]
Akyrael ยท 14 points ยท Posted at 06:41:30 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
You're cabbage.
Lachwen ยท 500 points ยท Posted at 05:06:59 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Oh man, it was me and I'm still ridiculously proud of it.
A bit of context is necessary here. I was volunteering to help out with active shooter training for newly hired cops. Basically they took over my old high school for a week during the summer and took turns pretending to be a gunman in the school, while the other cops rotated through in teams of four to sweep the building for the shooter. I and a bunch of other folks were there to play the parts of panicked students, to make it more realistic. The cops and the shooter were all armed with airsoft weapons.
On the last day I was the only volunteer to show up, so instead of playing victim they let me be the shooter. Which was fucking AWESOME, I got to run around my old high school shooting at cops with an airsoft AR-15 and not only didn't get in trouble for it, they thanked me.
Now, the simulations didn't end until I, as the shooter, was neutralized. Then we would all go back to the starting point where the other cops were waiting to debrief with the trainers. After one simulation one of the waiting cops asked me "So, did they kill ya?"
"Yeah," I said, "they shot me in the ass! Who shoots a person in the ass?"
Cop got a self-satisfied grin on his face and drawled "Weeelllll, they do teach us to aim for the largest part of a person..."
I feel it necessary to point out that I'm a 5'4.5" girl and weighed about 125 pounds soaking wet at that point.
The other cops all started laughing, and I just smiled sweetly at him and said "Well then, I guess you'll never have to worry about anyone aiming between your legs, will you?"
The other cops started howling with laughter, the one female cop there practically fell off her chair laughing, and the cop who'd needled me only managed to say "Hey!" in an aggrieved tone. That was something like ten years ago and I'm still proud of it.
McDouggal ยท 31 points ยท Posted at 15:29:08 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
So this is why the cops have gotten more violent; it was you!
OhRyann ยท 2291 points ยท Posted at 03:44:17 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
My assistant manager at work was dealing with a black couple one day, pulling something for them out of layaway. He's covered from his neck down in tattoos. They started staying stuff like "Your mama should spank you for having all those tattoos" and other things about them. After about 4 different things they said, he looks at them and says
"You know, I really don't like being judged by the color of my skin."
They didn't say another word until he told them to have a nice day.
shanerz ยท 392 points ยท Posted at 06:49:02 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
He handled that good. Buy that man a beer for me one day.
What comes out of someones mouth is also a choice. They didn't have to say word one about his tattoos. Instead they chose to judge him, and they chose to verbalize a judgement based on an arbitrary external characteristic that was in all likelihood not indicative of his moral fiber. Sounds a lot like racism to me.
You're throwing a lot of big words out there that I don't understand. Now, because I don't understand them, I'm gonna take it as disrespect, ok? Watch your mouth.
They were probably just joking and trying to be funny. I've heard old white people say the same thing. The cashier then became butt-hurt and made it awkward.
I could make a judgement about a person based on their skin. They could make a judgement about me on ink. If neither of us say those judgements, we're not complete assholes.
conquer69 ยท 10 points ยท Posted at 10:13:56 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
It's a double standard because the black couple is judging someone for their appearance while they dislike when the same is done to them.
Tattoos, race, being ugly, being poor, disease, etc. It's the same principle.
Similar thing happened to me. I'm an Asian in non-Asian high school. We had a teacher who was Chinese with a heavy accent. One black kid told me
"How is your dad doing, as a teacher?". I just told him
"How is your dad, like in general?".
I meant it as a racist joke, but it hurt cause his dad actually lives across the country.
velmarg ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 04:03:16 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Yeah, parents, you ever heard of those? We have parents that love us. You don't because you're a little orphan.
I had a similar one in high school. I was explaining to a friend that my dad and I didn't really get along, and this guy (who was very open about the fact that he had two moms and his dad was a sperm donor) passed by and said "Wow, even your dad can't stand you".
My friend instantly replied "At least he has a dad instead of two moms and a chemistry set."
It wasn't exactly "savage", but I still laugh about it to this day. It was so quick witted I'm convinced it's a reference to something, but he wouldn't admit it and I could never figure out what.
Orrblunk ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 06:04:48 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
When people I knew (both in high school or in the work world) would complain about they're dad doing this or that I always chime in and say "at least you still have a dad."
My dad died of lung cancer when I was 18. Been killing conversations ever since.
I had a buddy who had a dad who died when he was like 14. Every once and a while he would try to guilt people with that fact. He tried that once on another buddy and I once. It did not go well.
Tries to guilt trip me.
Oh shit sorry man that must have been rough how old where you when your dad died?
I was 14.
Oh must have been nice to have a dad for 14 fucking years... Hey M how old where you when your dad ran out on you?
I was like 6. He legitimatly told my mom he was going out for a pack of smokes and never came back.
R is over here bitching about having a dad until he was 14.
Thing is, they pull this off where I live. Except "dad" is replaced with "mom. And they ALL think it's some kind of fucking godsent comeback. So every day I hear kids going "lol haha least I got mom haha".
Basically "I fucked your mom" except even more annoying.
[deleted] ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 07:40:01 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Patrice Oneal was the king of backhanded brutality, he once told a woman in the crowd something like "she's so gorgeous she probably thinks her vagina cleans itself." Ok, that's sort of more of a compliment, but he had others...
[deleted] ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 12:04:11 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Oh my, I just got how savage this really is. Calling them ugly and dumb.
Raibean ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 04:34:59 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Teen Wolf!
[deleted] ยท 9 points ยท Posted at 04:48:51 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
"I hope you choke and die"
"I hope you burn and live"
After I said it, we both just looked at each other with wide eyes for a bit.
ryan_503 ยท 1385 points ยท Posted at 03:15:19 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)*
I was a fat kid. Not anymore though. When I was 14 or so, my sister-in-law(older brother's wife) asked if I needed a training bra. Without even thinking, I asked if she was jealous(she's flat-chested). It was epic. She just stood there for a second and stormed off. It's been over 20 years and I'm fit and healthy and needless to say, she's still boobless. Why the fuck would an adult say something like that to a kid anyway?
Edit: I'm a guy. I was a fat kid with man-boobs.
[deleted] ยท 477 points ยท Posted at 04:34:10 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Because they're really insecure and they think kids will be easier targets. If she has any subordinate coworkers I bet she's just as bad to them.
cc81 ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 18:27:07 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Or some people just do inappropriate jokes at times or does not think before they talk.
Why the fuck would an adult say something like that to a kid anyway?
I ask myself that every time I've gone near my aunt my entire life, turns out she's just a neurotic bitch who doesn't understand children or that other people have feelings.
My fiancรฉ has a younger brother and we poke fun at each other pretty often. We don't say anything that's unwarranted though and usually have a good laugh after making fun of each other a bit. More of just treat him like I would have treated a younger brother of my own if I ever had one. Real nice kid, charismatic, and I'm pretty sure he'll do good with whatever he sets his mind to.
I'm sorry you had to hear that crap, especially since it doesn't sound like one of those situations where you two knew each other well enough to try to joke about that kind of stuff.
Insecurity issues. She was insecure about her flat chest so she tried to put it on someone who wasn't considered physically desirable.
ryan_503 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:56:15 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I agree. It's been happening since the beginning of time...putting someone else down to make yourself feel better.
UWAIN ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 09:46:26 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I was on high dose steroids from the age of 4 1/2. By the time I was 8 I'd had several people, including one adult, ask if I was pregnant. I still can't understand the mentality of that. Good on you for giving that back to her!
Mex-Box ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 07:58:51 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
That actually happened to me in high school gym. During swimming class. I was also fat.
Ive always carried a few extra pounds. Once, my boss came in, looked at my stomach and asked when I was due.
I said, "I tell you what ... let's go outside and I'll outrun you over any distance and pick you up and throw you around afterwards." Not witty, but effective.
[deleted] ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 14:15:02 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)*
[deleted]
ryan_503 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 14:55:55 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Looking back, I feel a little bad about it. Making fun of a person's body is a horrible thing to do, even if they deserve it. But as the saying goes, "Don't dish it out if you can't take it"
spawndon ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 07:18:36 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
"boobless" - now that's a word I will put to good use.
Letterkenny is the show/YouTube series this train is from. Probably one of the funniest comedy series written in a long while, full of snappy comeback driven humor like this. It's very cleverly written and there are what I like to think of as the "prequel" episodes on YouTube which is the main characters talking about life in rural Canada. Definitely look it up!
Homusubi ยท 10 points ยท Posted at 09:34:01 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Why is this not a subreddit?!
P.S. TIL there is a place called Letterkenny that isn't the one in Ireland.
[deleted] ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 14:17:50 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
There's a show that takes place in the fictional Canadian town called Letterkenny. The one in Ireland is supposedly real, but I can't confirm. The one in Canada definitely is fictional though.
Letterkenny was a small crossroads hamlet in Renfrew County that was settled in the 1870s. During its best days it had a store, post office, saw and flour mills and a small Lutheran church, built around 1881.
Letterkenny was always a small place with an average population of around 50. Like most small farming hamlets, it began to decline in the early part of the 20th century.
According to local folklore, Letterkenny was rumoured to have been a hiding place for the notorious mobster Al Capone during the 1930s. Capone was said to have been holed up in a log cabin situated on the Letterkenny Road.
Letterkenny struggled on for many years but it was pretty much over by the late 1950s. The church continued to hold regular services until 1991. It remains well maintained and is still used for special occasions. It's essentially the definition of a ghost town at this point, and the town in the TV show is based on the town of Listowel, ON, Canada.
It'd help if we could legally watch or buy it here; as it is I have to resort to pirating something I WANT to pay money to support.
[deleted] ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 14:20:09 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
If Netflix would just pick up the fucking show! Everyone I've ever shown that show to loved it and watched the first season in a night. I really want to support the show, but instead I'm forced to pirate it.
"You take your shirt off but leave your sunglasses on? What kind of backwards fucking pageantry is that? You gonna fight me in those or play pokerstars dot com?"
Dude you probably don't have a diverse group of friends, I have two buddies ( Ecuadorian and Chilean) and we always called them Mexican. Plays to the racial stereotypes.
One of the guys I worked with was Mexican, and one time, he was like "you're Indian, and you're gonna be a doctor. Isn't that a little stereotypical? Try to be a bit more original."
Of course, I had to respond with "dude. At least as a citizen of this country, I can go to medical school. Are you even here legally?"
He had no response besides to laugh a bit. To this day, I'm not sure if he actually was an illegal immigrant, or if he just didn't know what to say. He didn't seem mad at me after though, so I don't think I went too far.
[deleted] ยท -2 points ยท Posted at 04:51:48 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
racist how? there is no hatred involved
tjmtjm1 ยท 18 points ยท Posted at 05:37:23 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Making an assumption about someone because of their race is racist. There are in fact many tech professionals who are Indian, and many facilities professionals who are Mexican. However, telling someone to do something even though it is expected and even potentially 'fitting' doesn't make it not racist. Sure they didn't say "hey brown nerd" or "hey dirty janitor", but they did.
[deleted] ยท -3 points ยท Posted at 06:22:34 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
A few things: Mexican is not a race, and while what you described may not be politically correct, it's certainly not racist. Consider the definition: "having or showing the belief that a particular race is superior to another." You can say a white person will shoot up a school, a black person is a thief, an Arab is a terrorist, etc. and while these things are despicable, they are not racist, but instead bigoted. Racism has become far too broadly defined in modern terms.
Do yourself a favor and look up the definition of the word racism.
It's a belief that all members of the same race possess a trait of some sort.
So by definition, saying someone is an IT guy because he's Indian, or a cleaner because he's Mexican is by definition absolute racism.
Yes, you can say Mexican isn't a race, but that is the forms list at the doctor's office. It may not be technically a race, but nationality has become race in modern day.
So, you are one of those trolls that will argue to the death over how we use the word racism? Something can be mildly racist and be no big deal. The only one making it a big deal is you. Makes you seem like a closet racist trying to defend himself.
[deleted] ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 07:50:32 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I don't think I ever laughed harder then when Jared asks Dinesh "Do you choke your mother with that chain when you fuck her in the ass" and Richard drops all the Skunk works papers on the floor.
noseham ยท 10 points ยท Posted at 23:38:30 on September 16, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
It could be taken as a compliment: "I enjoy your company SO much, I wish I could meet you again just so I could relive the experience of getting to know you!"
Yeah I'm not too big on this one either. There's simply no wit to it. It doesn't say anything about the actual person either, it only weakly implies. What /u/mealzer posted is quick-witted, raw and ridicules an actual feature of said person. Truly savage.
mealzer ยท 8 points ยท Posted at 23:17:23 on September 16, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
It was brutal. Over ten years ago and I'll never forget it.
[deleted] ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 23:42:21 on September 16, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
[deleted]
mealzer ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 23:54:30 on September 16, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Stunned silence,I didn't really spend time around her so I don't know
Marvin, the paranoid android from H2G2 said this one :
โTrillian is one of the least benightedly unintelligent life forms it has been my profound lack of pleasure not to be able to avoid meeting.โ
My mom and I were playfully arguing. At one point she said, "Your mom!"
To which I responded, "YOUR, wait, no, you're right. My mom."
She was fantastically pissed. :)
euphoneus ยท 13 points ยท Posted at 05:18:42 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I used to volunteer at a summer camp and one week we had 8-10 year olds there. I heard the best comeback war of my life that week. Two boys were having am argument, so it quickly escalated into insults about mother's and faces. I believe it went something like this:
Kid 1: you're stupid!
Kid 2: yeah, well you're face is stupid!
Kid 1: your mom is stupid!
Kid 2: you're mom's face is stupid!
Kid 1: well... YOUR FACE IS YOUR MOM!
And kid 1 stormed off in a huff while the other one just stood there looking confused.
Interesting. My 7th graders were threatening to 'smash your ugly fucking face through the fucking window ', and 'im going to push you down the stairs you cunt'.
What a lovely girl she is.
malowolf ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 02:42:28 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Ah 7th grade, when all those insults your parents used on each other become relevant.
Hakobus ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 06:36:23 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)*
So we're standing out in a group of friends in 7th grade when this kid - a friend of my friends, but I don't really know him - walks up to the group and exclaims "Dudes, I just saw the ugliest fucking guy ever! His nose looked just like a dick!"
I immediately proceed to inquire if he had been - in fact - looking into a mirror by accident. He proceeded to immediately punch me right in my face. I still think it was a great line, even if it wasn't that imaginative, because that kid actually had a nose that had definite dick-like qualities to it. But that punch to my face did stop me from trying to come up with any more.
audscias ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 07:07:48 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
"You fight like a farmer"
Brondog ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 07:40:37 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
You fight like a dairy farmer.
How appropriate, you fight like a cow!
[deleted] ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 13:00:43 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
My 7th grader said he was in the locker room after football practice and one kid was bragging to everyone about how he was the best player on the team. Another kid responded by saying "the only reason you get to play is because your mom sucks everyone's dick to get you ahead in life" Funny thing is, he's right. The kids mom is a swinger, and she has hooked up with one of the coaches.
Directed at me, actually. One of my teenage restaurant employees made a comment to me that inadvertently insinuated that I was overweight. Joking around with her, I said "I swear if you call me fat again I'll stick your head in the deep fryer." Not missing a beat, she responded "And then what, are you gonna eat it?"
Connoire ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 16:43:32 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Employe of the month!
Sewcerrer ยท 90 points ยท Posted at 05:53:27 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Working in retail, ringing up a nice husband and wife. I go to scan an item that has very shiny packaging, and make chit-chat while it's being difficult.
Me: The scanner really doesn't like shiny packaging
Husband: Well then you know it can't be a woman if it doesn't like something shiny!
Me, immediately, surprising my own dang self: Oh yeah, must be a man since it never works the first time you tell it to.
The wife ended up laughing herself red in the face and thanking me, because she was worried that her husband had just ruined their chances of ever coming back to the store without embarrassment. The husband had a good laugh too, and play-mocked hurt with a hand over his heart and everything.
I believe people with HIV now have an average lifespan that is almost equal to that of the general population, actually.
[deleted] ยท 23 points ยท Posted at 03:12:11 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
You are correct. At least the ones under proper medical care. I'm an hiv/aids nurse and our patients are monitored so heavy until they are controlled. Most regular folks get one set of yearly labs. Our patients get that every four months or more depending on the need.
VymI ยท 15 points ยท Posted at 04:04:22 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
God, the expense though. HIV is like a sentence to shit credit for the rest of your life.
Immigrate is when you come into a country, emigrate is when you leave a country. I was more focusing on leaving a country without socialized health care. I'm pretty sure they can mostly be used interchangeably, just depends on the connotation and feel you want from a sentence.
Though I guess since I didn't actually mention leaving, immigrate would probably be the better word to use.
shellwe ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:27:41 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
That is a new word to me!
aerokopf ยท 7 points ยท Posted at 05:25:42 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Medical bills go to your credit? That's kinda fucked.
VymI ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:52:00 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Not directly, but it's easy to fall into the 'well, I'll put this bill on my card' and then everything becomes fucked when the patient can no longer keep up with their credit card bills.
hopswage ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 04:38:30 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Not unless you've got bitchin' insurance coverage.
OzMazza ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 04:52:58 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Or you know, live in a country that's not backwards as fuck.
hopswage ยท -2 points ยท Posted at 05:48:49 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)*
I only said it like it is.
I'm pretty sure if you're not employed by a good enough company or otherwise wealthy enough to afford solid insurance coverage, you don't really have the means to emigrate to a country with universal healthcare.
And that's not even taking into account visas, naturalization, employment, and potential language barriers.
Taking your theme more broadly, I'd love to vote for true universal healthcare. But it's not like I can just snap my fingers and make my country not backwards as fuck anymore.
As someone who has researched HIV, trust me, some cancers could be better. Chronic inflammation is no joke. You can expect early diabetes, stroke, atherosclerosis, and dementia. Cognitive deficits are even pronounced in the very beginning of the disease. You are literally considered elderly at the age of 50 when you have HIV because you're going to have the same comorbidities as a typical person at like 70. No one really talks about that, just that you're going to live a pretty typical lifespan.
wOlfLisK ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 04:34:07 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Depends on the cancer and whether we're talking about HIV or full blown AIDS. I'd take HIV over cancer any day, it's effectively a non issue with the right medication and we'll probably have a cure or vaccine within 10 years anyway. Cancer just fucks you up though and chemo makes you feel like ass.
Voxous ยท 217 points ยท Posted at 23:31:54 on September 16, 2016 ยท (Permalink)*
Not so sure now. Some recent gene therapy tests are showing pretty good results of removing AIDS from most body cells. It might have a more reliable cure than cancer in the very near future, and the delivery method for that cure would make it much more cost effective.
[deleted] ยท 63 points ยท Posted at 00:59:08 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
[deleted]
Voxous ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 01:59:25 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)*
Not quite, but pretty close with what CRISPR(which is an enzyme that recently discovered) brought to the table recently
Edit: the enzyme is actually cas9 and CRISPR is the name for the system, but CRISPR will probably give more accurate search results.
[deleted] ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 02:14:42 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)*
[deleted]
Voxous ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:17:36 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)*
People will probably get more accurate search results with CRISPR than cas9, though you are correct in that. When I say soon, I mean soon as in usable for humans within the next 50 years.
Edit: and the "pretty close" was to regarding the "it's like magic."
troymen11 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:42:05 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Hey that's exactly what I work on!
Voxous ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:37:07 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Are you able to do an ama or is your work too confidential right now?
troymen11 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:31:03 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I can't go into too much specifics about exactly what I do because we are hoping to publish about it in my lab. But I can certainly talk generally about HIV and CRISPR/Cas9 because those are the two main areas of my research.
Voxous ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 06:02:29 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Out of curiosity, what are some of the major hurdles that you face working with and studying this system?
Also curious how many years you would guess it will be until it's at a point where it can be used on humans for medical needs? I know it's probably not something I should hold my breath for, but it would be interesting to hear what something working on it has to say m
troymen11 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:08:38 on September 26, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Sorry I completely forgot to respond to this! One of the biggest hurdles with current CRISPR/Cas9 technologies is the efficiency. First off, while inducing DNA mutation with the system can be done, the efficiency of mutation is generally very low. Like 5-10 percent. As you go from lab grown cell lines, to primary cells in a dish, all the way down to animals themselves - there is a consistent loss of efficiency at each jump. So overall the efficiency is not very high, especially for potential therapeutic applications. On top of that, getting a sgRNA that actually directs the Cas9 protein to your target DNA sequence is a game of luck. Designing a sgRNA that should theoretically work is simple, but in practice only something like 10 percent of those sgRNAs work. So overall getting the system to do something meaningful can be quite challenging.
I would say that we are still far off from human treatments. Until we can find a way to reduce off target DNA editing effects and deliver the system to humans effiently it's not really viable in my opinion.
Raverzel ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 01:29:23 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Come to this thread for the comebacks, stay for the goddamn knowledge.
Voxous ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:13:44 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I'm adding a link to the original post with a video explaining a bit of the recent gene therapy advances if you want more.
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:58:29 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
[deleted]
Voxous ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:02:54 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Considering the risk that you could pull the "brain cancer" card out of the hat, I'd choose aids even without the prospect of gene therapy. At least with AIDS, you can keep yourself alive with the right meds and it itself is not what kills you.
Silidon ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:23:54 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Also it hopefully won't be "We're gonna poison you and hope it kills the diseased cells faster."
Voxous ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 02:11:25 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Take a look at some of the CRISPR tests being conducted. It's an enzyme that is built to find and remove exact matches for viral DNA.
Previously it was only microbes that had access to this, it being their form of antibodies. Now that humans have discovered it, and discovered you can program it to change any bit of DNA you choose, diseases like AIDS could in theory be "deleted" with an injection containing the enzyme and the instructions for what it is to remove/change.
It's still in the animal testing phase(though I think I've read of some human tests recently), but this could make is way into standard practice before too long.
Being cheaper and more permanent than the drug cocktails we currently use as bandaid solutions also helps.
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:44:06 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Cancer still has a fair chance of killing you. If you can get medication, HIV won't kill you these days. There's no cure, but it can be treated more or less indefinitely.
AIDS is actually completely curable. The legal way involves installing an immune system that is itself immune to HIV via a bone marrow transplant, the fast and loose way is to write that same immunity into a person by way of CRISPR/CAS9.
[deleted] ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 01:20:28 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
My sister in law recently got her doctorate in pharmacy and her official stance is she would rather be HIV positive than have diabetes. You take a pill a day and that's that.
Naw gotta be AIDS, cancer can be treated to remmision, which means it ain't working. Aids can be treated but it always lingers. Cancer might come back but you can beat it down aids is forever
This is from the now dead *sob* Let's Play series Let's Drown Out. Don't remember which episode.
One of the hosts was a camp counsellor for a camping trip, and one of the kids was mentally handicapped in some way. This kid had been along on plenty other trips with this camp, so he was familiar with good practices and safety.
New camp counsellor, who didn't know this kid, decided to go start a fire for dinner. He was having trouble, so the kid came over and gave him some advice on how to do it. The new counsellor ignored it. He eventually got it working, but it turns out the kid had been right all along, and had been watching him try.
While the counsellor was packing up, the kid walked past and told him, "And they call me fuckin' retarded."
Holy. Shit.
Edit: I got some details wrong, but the put-down and the basic idea of the story is there. If you want the original (plus transcript) /u/lynxSnowCat put the whole thing in this comment
yatzee: I'm that guy who does the British-ism voices.
Gabe: Yes. You, you have a very naturally British accent and-
Y: (hmm.) I'll be like rabid Robin Atkin Downes in the games industry
G: (heh-ff.)
Hello, I'm ruptured Elvis, my guitar doesn't go all the way to the end.
Y: I'm about as a Down syndrome it sounds overs-
G: (Downs Elvis, ahh...) Three cheers for the Down syndrome kids for having a sense of humor about it
No, the best laid-
y: (chuff, Well)-They're all individuals. I'm sure some of them are very bitter and unpleasant company about it.
00:51:37
g: (chuckle) Probabaly. But one- of the best put-downs I have ever heard was:
I used to do work for the dole north-east street city farm.
Which is actually really cool, was hippies and you know,
every now and then you'd move a garden bed,
Which was a huge amount of work, but it was fun.
It was t'sunlight exercise and some ya'no organic food.
But they also had - days when,
the local sort of Downs group would show up, and ya'no,
learn about farming, business stuff, what have you. The-
Y: I wish more people would acknowledge that is possible for people with disabilities,
and for people from remotely native communities, to be twats.
G: Ah-yeah! I absolutely-but no! This guy was not a twat.
Y: (gasp?)
G: But this one of the most devastating put-downs ever seen a disabled person fuck'n can come up with. 'n
It was fantastic.
Y: Ahh, they are all brave and spiritual people to- nah. that one's just a twat.
G: Yeah, no. That's what I mean. There're people who try to create groups,
and there are no groups.
There are just 7 billion scared fucking
idiots in primate outfits running around - thinking up groups.
00:52:30
Y: Oh! I think our Rube Goldberg machine of a plan is finally pulling off
G: (laugh) Yes. I've got the norm to chase the dog away,
and now I'm gonna set a fire,
with predictable results.
y: Of course you are, because
we wouldn't want this character to
start acting responsibly
g: (awfuck no.)
y: And become a likable character, would we.
g: it just gets worse from here- Give it time like;
G: This is Project Mayhem style shenanigans, right now.
It gets fucked up.
Y: Yes. We are starting a fire.
G: (Yeah.)
Y: this started as like a Merry prank, and I love-
G: (yeah?) No. Now there is a bit of arson.
Y: to black the eyes and- just sort of tweak the nose authority. And now we're starting fires and
in public places.
g: Basically this down's kid at this thing, was trying to explain to one of the other work for the dole people how to do a thing.
Because this Down kid had been coming here for ages, so he knew how to do this stuff.
And this work for the dole guy was just treating him like an idiot.
(chut)
And because it he was treating him like and idiot, he wasn't listening to the correct advice that this person this person was fuck'n giving him, about how to get this-
G: Anyway, this guy finally got the grill to work, to realize the Downs kid has been right all along
He looked at the Downs-kid. The Downs Kid looked and just said
G: And it was one of those times where I stood up out of my chair,
And was went "Yes-s!"
"Oh-ho-ho! There is no comeback for that."
G: That kid just -
edit: 7h later: "as in" not "'is in".
o11c ยท 39 points ยท Posted at 04:49:24 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
As someone with a mental handicap.
When I give instructions, they're because I know what I'm saying.
(I can also throw out ideas for something I don't know a lot about, but those are very clearly different - though, statistically, they're still right more often than not, especially if the so-called "expert" can't think how to refute it easily).
MadGod100 ยท 23 points ยท Posted at 05:48:36 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
What kind of disability do you have? Because you wrote that better than i probably would have.
febfebfeb ยท 78 points ยท Posted at 05:49:59 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
He left a period outside of parentheses containing a full sentence; he's clearly a retard.
Kneuronak ยท 25 points ยท Posted at 06:20:28 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Satirical hyperbole is just the riskiest form of humor on the internet.
febfebfeb ยท 18 points ยท Posted at 06:28:10 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I hope the fact that I dropped in a semi-colon when my instincts were telling me that would make me look like a dick sealed the deal
trvpfiend ยท 7 points ยท Posted at 06:30:33 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
It really did it for me. I wasn't gonna say anything but then you mentioned it.
MadGod100 ยท -3 points ยท Posted at 06:46:21 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)*
When i read it my first thought was to downvote, and make a throwaway specifically to downvote you. Now i feel stupid because it wooshed right over me.
...why would you make a throwaway just to downvote someone?
MadGod100 ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 09:50:38 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
seems my sarcasm game needs work
saichampa ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 06:50:36 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Or a programmer
AmAShill ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:53:25 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I know you're making an ironic joke, but why does everyone pick the engineers and programmers? I have okay handwriting and people call it cursive, but my grammar is on point
/s (somewhat sarcastic)
saichampa ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 22:23:59 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I am a programmer and I do this compulsively
AmAShill ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 22:53:12 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
That's pretty cool. What programming languages do you know?
saichampa ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 23:01:25 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
C/C++, Java, php, JavaScript are the ones I've worked with primarily. I've also done some assembly (x86 and mips), Haskell, python (I'm trying to do more of this)
Once you've got the basics down of programming theory picking up new languages and environments isn't too difficult.
AmAShill ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 23:02:39 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I'm more of a script kiddie, :P, so I only know Python, JS/HTML/CSS, and am learning PHP.
saichampa ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 23:16:27 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
All good places to start, but php is an awful language in a few ways, and people do bad things with it. I really recommend doing some formal classes, even if they are free ones through coursera or something.
dellaint ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 15:06:30 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Wait periods only go outside parenthesis if they're ending a sentence that wasn't contained entirely in the parenthesis? Fuck, I'm retarded.
o11c ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 15:56:54 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Autism. I don't have it quite as severe as the people who need 24/7 care, so a lot of people keep thinking I'm faking or something, it's annoying.
And I can write like crazy, it's speaking that's impossible. Again, I don't have it quite as bad as the autistic people who are fully nonverbal, but on bad days it feels like wading through molasses just to speak like a toddler.
MadGod100 ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 16:12:57 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
My only dealing with autism has been my cousin (he's 19, but has the mental capacity of an 8 year old) so I always assumed that even slight autism was very severe. It seems that i was mistaken. Mind if I pm you? Id love to learn more, and speaking to someone suffering from autism, but also able to hold a conversation would be amazing.
o11c ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 21:58:07 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
There's /r/autism and /r/aspergers that you can lurk in - in practice, the former is more for parents and the latter for actual people with it.
It used to be that Autism and Asperger's were separate diagnoses. Then, they change it to a single diagnosis, calling it a spectrum.
But that's not really right, since it's not one dimensional like a spectrum is defined as. There are at least half a dozen different axes (and probably more that we haven't even started to define) that can be varied - you can be severe on one, moderate on another, etc. And none of them are related to intelligence.
You may find the quiz enlightening: http://rdos.net/eng/Aspie-quiz.php - anybody can take it and it shows several of the axes in the result.
swordrush ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 04:43:05 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I'm going to keep watching the crap out of that series. It's too bad it's over.
My friend is a bit slow an got into an argument with another guy we went to school with. Kid called him a fucking retard. Friend responded with I might be a retard but at least I graduated.
Get fucking rekt. And the other guy still hasn't graduated Highschool.
Reminds me of a friend playing a club gig. There was a regular that was has some learning difficulties, but the rest of the locals looked after him. While the band was sound checking and going '1,2. 1,2,3...' etc, a voice pipes up from the back of the room 'even I can count higher than that!'
Hanging out one evening with friends and acquaintances in my yard with beers. Acquaintance (A) is regaling a friend (F) and I with the story of the MMMF foursome he'd had the previous weekend.
Me: Was there some point where all three guys had cum and you all had to sit around until you were ready to go again avoiding eye contact?
I mean, we knew each other well enough. He'd been to my place before and I'd gone to his. He was a friend of a friend and we'd hung out but not without the mutual friends. Does that make sense?
Yes but I don't think I would be bragging about running a train on a girl. Sounds like a life time of insults coming his way. " hey remember that time you and a couple of other dudes sword fought with dicks and you lost" I would have kept that on the dl
Id say it's trashy for sure, but why is it creepy? Has the definition of creepy changed or does some dude talking about running a train on some girl give you an unsettling feeling?
In my experience, it seems to usually end up that the guy who takes one or two people (acquaintances/opposite sex he just met) into his confidence (wink wink) is the one that comes off as the creep.
The guy who is an incorrigible, overzealously outgoing braggart is usually a guy who everyone rolls their eyes at, but still calls first when they feel like having a good time because he just livens up whatever room he finds himself in. Or he is just seen as a gigantic douche nozzle. It's a very fine line. Rarely, though, is he just defined as "creep".
"We had each been to the others place of residence once before, so I felt comfortable discussing his mostly gay slightly straight foursome, specifically the jizzing aspects."
Stop asking people that. Of course what you said made sense. There's no need to ask. If they want you to elaborate further they'll ask you. I feel like asking people if what you just said make sense causes them to have to pause uncomfortably, answer your question, then get back to the subject you were talking about.
drukath ยท 14 points ยท Posted at 21:43:39 on September 16, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Says the person asking strangers to send pictures of toes?
It's not that being gay is a bad thing, more that he was treating this as this super manly thing he did, I guess. To flip that around on him was really great.
Summerie ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 06:51:32 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Maybe if you'd called it a 3 on 1 gangbang, they'd understand better. "MMMF foursome" kind of sounds like there was guy-on-guy action.
We can pretend this never happened. Also, like two other people know.
[deleted] ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 04:25:33 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Spending the weekend at the burn center must have been boring
[deleted] ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 00:31:43 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I could've sworn I heard something like that in a movie. Still funny, though.
ozzzzzz22 ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 05:15:56 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Does calling someone gay still count as a burn? I thought it was 2016 and we'd all kind of tacitly agreed that making homosexuality the butt of jokes instills in kids and adults alike the message that being gay is something they should be ashamed of and that we decided we shouldn't do it because it makes the world a worse place.
No? Just me?
(How's that for a burn?)
veruus ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 12:56:16 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Heh. Butt.
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 22:39:55 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Yeah, it's just you. Hope you don't strain yourself gazing down from your high horse on we plebs.
TCV2 ยท 66 points ยท Posted at 03:52:07 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Why would Meg say that? She has Ryan to keep her satisfied.
Kylegowns ยท 12 points ยท Posted at 05:21:33 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
She did but, Gav secretly changed her contract toforce her to choose between rt and modeling knowing she couldnt give up the sides jobs ultimately to get her away from Ryan. He pulled the ultimatum card out of his nose
Master Chief, get aboard that carrier, and secure the Prophet of Regret. This is the only place on Earth the Covenant decided to land. That Prophet is going to tell us why.
Thanks for all the halo references. Brings back memories!
weinerpug ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:02:19 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
That was my dog's name. We had to put locks on the gates because he could open them otherwise. I always figured he had illegitimate children but I guess I hoped they'd be puppies
ShdwFlm ยท 24 points ยท Posted at 04:18:57 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
[deleted] ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 05:36:53 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
The forge and custom games for Halo 5 are available for free on PC if you have Windows 10, I recommend checking it out
[deleted] ยท 20 points ยท Posted at 04:16:32 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
[deleted]
eridius10 ยท 35 points ยท Posted at 04:46:08 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
The "dog" fucked your mother.Male dogs fuck female dogs (see "bitch).you are your mothers son.
Long story short its a way of saying both "your mom is a bitch" and you're "the son of a bitch".
I hope this helped!
Just today, I was in my financial algebra class. The teacher wrote the assignment on the board and this nerdy kid got up to take a picture of it. Well, the bitchy girl in front of the board gets all pissed and yells at him to stop taking pictures of her. He calmly says: "I was just taking a picture of the board, you don't have to be so narcissistic." The thing that makes this is that the girl didn't know what the word narcissistic meant. She just stared at him and finally someone explained it to her. She just says "So? I don't give a fuck." But the damage was done and she looked like an idiot. I was fucking rolling.
To be fair, I'm generally "happy excited" when I'm drunk or literature, so I can't really complain about this particular evolution of English vernacular.
No, but it was some stupid comedian talking about young people talk, and he went off on "bae, lit and sheezy ( or some fucking thing, sheezy sounds wrong, something about....Flee, that was it) was just confused. Lit is old. So's Flee.
NightGod ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 09:30:27 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Damn. I would love to a see an asshole get knocked down a peg or 3 like that... with a word that should be known by every adult but they don't know the definition...
after hearing a lecture once...yeah...no. takes too long....but if i'm ever in college again, pretty sure the google has some sort of audio to text deal...
Well if you live a long way from campus and have a long drive, or have free time and use it do something physical and not mental you can listen to a recording, probably a lot easier to get through than text to speech.
I guess it's just a difference in learning style. For me, video and audio materials are effectively worthless, since I like to be able to easily move back and forth through the material as I see fit, and time-bound media are by no means suited to that kind of out-of-order navigation.
Sepof ยท -3 points ยท Posted at 06:38:48 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
How would that possibly take too long? And speech to text software used during lectures on college level subject matter is a recipe for disaster. What that shit will spit out is going to be so wrong and potentially mangled half the time, it would be counter-effective.
However, I used this method to great effect. You take notes and record the lecture. In your notes, you bookmark the start of the lecture, the topics covered, and at what time they are covered.
This way you have a table of contents from your notes that allows you to refer back to check for any missed information on specific subjects.
Alternatively, you develop shorthand or the teacher provides you with digital notes (likely more common now) or written notes on a display like a projector.
I highly recommend college or higher education depending on your interests and abilities. Lectures can be interesting or dull, depending on the subject matter and the speaker. That's part of life though.
You're going to have to sit through boring shit a lot. Sometimes, the more boring shit you're willing to sit through, the more exciting the rest of your time will be. So it's really all about what you want.
Oh, and shove your advice up your ass, I was talking as a former college student who is quite happy in his life, take your condescension to that same gaping asshole you seem to be.
Sepof ยท -7 points ยท Posted at 07:04:08 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Rofl.
You sound like a total moron, honestly. I felt bad. Not anymore.
You said you "went to a lecture once" and 'if you ever go back" like some moronic 19 year old who thinks their job as a laborer making $12/hr is a good end-game.
I meant after hearing a lecture once, not that I've only ever heard one. Hows your reading comprehension?
Sepof ยท -3 points ยท Posted at 07:30:37 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Saying you did something once implies you did it once ... what a shock.
And it's good enough to pick up on the mechanical mistakes in your writing. Also that you left college and can't seem to grasp the concept of lectures or their point.
You seem awfully mad someone has implied you aren't very bright. I take it this isn't your first time.
I don't take condescension from some asshat well, no, especially when it's due to putting my thoughts out there in plain language, you'll learn the value of that in your future when people get sick of your shit.
Sepof ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 18:46:44 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
You are an idiot.
You should stick to you own advice and not make presumptions about people. Although your grammar and writing clearly show you are uneducated, whereas I've just been relaying experiences from college along with advice.
That being said, I am a regional director in my current profession. I have 400 hourly employees and 9 managers directly below me. I have a company car and apartment. I worked my way up in this career because I'm well liked and get the most out of my employees.
I don't know what you do and it doesn't really matter. I never asked, nor implied anything. I only ever played up the merits of higher education. Your terrible writing and borderline incoherency revealed that you need one. Then maybe you could've understood.what I actually said, or even reaponded with something relevant yourself.
What the fuck did you just fucking say about me, you little bitch? Iโll have you know I graduated top of my class in the Navy Seals, and Iโve been involved in numerous secret raids on Al-Quaeda, and I have over 300 confirmed kills. I am trained in gorilla warfare and Iโm the top sniper in the entire US armed forces. You are nothing to me but just another target. I will wipe you the fuck out with precision the likes of which has never been seen before on this Earth, mark my fucking words. You think you can get away with saying that shit to me over the Internet? Think again, fucker. As we speak I am contacting my secret network of spies across the USA and your IP is being traced right now so you better prepare for the storm, maggot. The storm that wipes out the pathetic little thing you call your life. Youโre fucking dead, kid. I can be anywhere, anytime, and I can kill you in over seven hundred ways, and thatโs just with my bare hands. Not only am I extensively trained in unarmed combat, but I have access to the entire arsenal of the United States Marine Corps and I will use it to its full extent to wipe your miserable ass off the face of the continent, you little shit. If only you could have known what unholy retribution your little โcleverโ comment was about to bring down upon you, maybe you would have held your fucking tongue. But you couldnโt, you didnโt, and now youโre paying the price, you goddamn idiot. I will shit fury all over you and you will drown in it. Youโre fucking dead, kiddo.
Sepof ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:58:41 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Yea. I mean I knew the elevator didn't go to the top floor from the first few comments, never really expected angry delusions.
(for fucks sakes dude, you are pretty dense for someone who acts like he's so fucking smart, was demonstrating I can make shit up too.)
Sepof ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:10:29 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
If you look at my comment history, I've been working/commenting on politics from that perspective for about as long as I've had this account.
I'm glad you think that was a rational response though. I never said I was smart. I relayed an experience and resource in college that you failed to comprehend. I explained it. You noted that you went to a lecture "once" and it was "long."
I then noted the importance of higher education, because that's some shit only an immature child or slow adult would say.
Everything else you are taking away is imaginary. I never said you were dumb until you insulted me and proved it yourself.
I didn't take what you said seriously, but it definitely indicates a lot about the type of person you are. And that's not a smart one.
I read faster than i listen. Was that not clear? After sitting through the lecture once, I don't want to hear it again.
Sepof ยท -3 points ยท Posted at 07:01:51 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
It has nothing to do with reading. It has to do with being able to effectively write down what someone is saying and keep up.
At some colleges, with certain speakers, this could be very challenging.
I think you miss the point. The idea is not to listen to the whole lecture again, but rather to use it as a resource if you couldn't keep up with certain notes or to re-iterate certain things.
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 07:25:20 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)*
[removed]
Sepof ยท -4 points ยท Posted at 07:35:08 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
You do realize you can combine comments into one coherent statement right? You don't need to make two seperate comments five minutes apart
You're saying thst you read faster than you listen. Okay. Congratulations. You don't read lectures, you listen to them. Holy shit. I overlooked your arrogance because I was giving you the benefit of the doubt and assumed you were referring to reading your notes vs listening to a recording of a lecture.
I certainly never mentioned the value of education to insult you. It was because you obviously need one.
I had something similar happen. I was on the bus and this dude and his friends were giving me shit and swearing a lot. I finally got fed up and said " you know I hear the more you swear the smaller your vocabulary is" the one giving me the most grief pipes up and says " what the fuck is a vocabulary" his friends didn't stop giving him shit for the rest of the bus ride.
"I was just taking a picture of the board, not of a broad"
[deleted] ยท 6666 points ยท Posted at 18:44:20 on September 16, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
A girl and her about to be ex-boyfriend were arguing:
She: "What's she got that I ain't got?"
He: "She has job, she cooks, she cleans, she doesn't waste her money on dumb shit, she doesn't just sit on her ass watching Dr. Phil..." and so on for about five minutes.
TL;DR: She asked; he gave her a real answer.
๐๏ธ Koean ยท 2936 points ยท Posted at 18:48:13 on September 16, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Always dangerous to ask a question you don't want the answer to.
[deleted] ยท 932 points ยท Posted at 18:53:06 on September 16, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I'm just glad I walked away before he went into the sex stuff the new girl did. I didn't hear it, but I'm assuming since he went in like that, the sex stuff probably came up.
[deleted] ยท 11 points ยท Posted at 05:55:16 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
She doesn't bitch about Donna at work!
dendawg ยท 24 points ยท Posted at 23:54:47 on September 16, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I'm just glad I walked away before he went into the sex stuff the new girl did. I didn't hear it, but I'm assuming since he went in like that, the sex stuff probably came in.
FTFY
[deleted] ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 08:04:35 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Among other things ๐
kaloonzu ยท 8 points ยท Posted at 02:14:51 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Rule I learned from Law & Order: when dealing with a tricky situation, never ask a question you don't already know the answer to.
[deleted] ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 00:59:19 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I ask those questions to my friends sometimes. I want them to be honest and tell me if I am being fucking retarded.
[deleted] ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 21:27:43 on September 16, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Booooollocks. Questions I've been asked by men that they clearly don't want the answer to include the gender flipped version of that one, so so many questions about the adequacy/supremacy of their dick (depending on the type of guy), whether I came (they clearly didn't care because they either did nothing to amend the situation or or accused me of being somehow defective), and uncountable times when they asked me my opinion when they just wanted me to back up what they just said and cut me off when I started to disagree.
In the eternal, magical hunt for Yes Men, there ain't much to distinguish the sexes.
No, some people are stupid. This is something that men and women both do, most often in romantic or sexual contexts. I'm guessing you're a straight dude, so you rarely hear men doing it. So you presume it's something just women do. I'm just telling you, it's definitely not a gendered thing.
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 04:12:55 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Like when you ask your girlfriend who her celebrity hall pass is?
I always have issues with words like that. Diarrhea I'll always fuck up spelling the first time too. Deodorant I finally have down, but used to put too many r's into it or thought there was an h somewhere in it.
bliow ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 05:04:11 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
oh look at mr i-can-spell-gonorrhea over here, we're all super-impressed with you right now
[deleted] ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 11:54:23 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Sounds like he went from the minimum wage job of women to the $55,000 +401k & benefits of women, if you get what I mean...
[deleted] ยท 12 points ยท Posted at 04:48:33 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Given what I saw of the guy, and the girl screeching at him, I think it was more like he went from the $20/hour corner "independent contractor" to the $50/hour Backpage.com girl.
[deleted] ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 05:54:22 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Could be, but truthfully, if prostitution is ever decriminalized in America (or legalized in places other than Nevada), we will probably be using these very titles.
Fun fact: Many strip clubs employ their dancers as "independent contractors" and the dancers themselves are responsibly for tax reporting, rather than having the club issue a W2 form.
Everything I've ever read in the stripper AMAs just made me want to own a strip club. Seems like the best business model ever. Everyone pays you, and you provide next to nothing.
Lol who are these people and what is the context?! Were you there or do you know them? It's baffling me that this has so many up votes lol such a generic story with a generic script. Reads like a Big Bang theory script template
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 10:52:33 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Ex-neighbors of mine. They were kind of trashy, but man, that was entertaining.
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:48:46 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Should have been!
Rxy701 ยท 2177 points ยท Posted at 21:56:53 on September 16, 2016 ยท (Permalink)*
Mean (and, important to the story, fat) girl is talking shit to my boyfriend's friend. She is slinging horrible insults, ending in "you'll never amount to anything."
My boyfriend chimes in, "Yeah? Well you'll never amount to less than 300 pounds!"
He was like 22 at the time and the most mild mannered guy ever and gets very embarrassed when I bring this up at parties.
EDIT: "Embarrassed" was apparently the wrong word. It's a silly, funny, "I can't believe I said that either!" type of thing. Not "why would you say that oh god" type of thing. Fear not!
Rathka96 ยท 136 points ยท Posted at 00:24:20 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
You forgot to put a period at the end of your sentence!
(savage right)
[deleted] ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 03:51:50 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
You used parenthesis! Don't you know that parenthesis (however relevant), are unnecessary?
Don't forget to always be more or less specific. Oh, and prepositions aren't things to end sentences with. And do try not to add and superfluous, redundant, unnecessary, and unneeded adjectives.
dustarook ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 03:59:13 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Parenthesis refers to one single parenthesis. For plural you are looking for "parentheses."
I'm not normally a grammar nazi but figured I better do my part to keep the grammar-correcting thread going.
[deleted] ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 04:09:20 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
no acknowledgement of the other jokes, fine thensobs
There was a chick in my Japanese class that was the typical hateful chubby girl, that had to be the center of attention and never shut the fuck up about being in theatre. One day at the end of the year (top floor of the school, windows didn't open far, it was fucking hot) she decides to start theatre sighing every few minutes.
Person studying tell her to shut up.
Theatre Bitch "you'll be living in this shitty town still in a few years, you know what I'll have?"
Friend behind me "Diabetes, a heart attack, a stroke, an apearance on Dr. Phil when they have to knock a wall down to get you out of the house for your yearly bath?"
She didn't come back the next year.
[deleted] ยท 31 points ยท Posted at 01:30:32 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
As somebody that is mild-mannered and quiet I would hate to have someone say a story like that if it were about me. He probably doesn't like the limelight.
Once a coworker loudly stated that a rascal shopping cart is on standby at walmart for this one fat coworker who was a bitch. She wasn't rascal fat, but it wasn't far off.
Hiimbeeb ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 16:02:02 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Don't you hate this?
I'm a quick thinker and usually have some fantastic on-the-spot comebacks, but 10-15 minutes after the exchange I always think of something so much better.
BeCurry ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:20:29 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
L'esprit d'escalier
juicius ยท 9 points ยท Posted at 04:23:39 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
We would also accept "died of disappointment."
Richa5280 ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 04:06:23 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
First time I heard a joke like this was in the movie Baseketball.
Ahryi ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 02:36:56 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
One of my buddies I was pretty close to (he had never met my parents and we never talked about either of our home lives) got his ass kicked by me in a race. So of course, he immediately said: "It's fine, filling your mom's ass last night was worth being a little sore and losing to you."
Without thinking, I just responded: "I hope you put her back in her grave when you were done, wouldn't want the next people visiting her to find an empty coffin."
I have never seen a teenage boy look so mortified in my life. I will forever torment him with that story. I told my mom as well, and when they met she just could not stop laughing.
My favorite response I have ever heard to that came from a kid on xbox live.
"I fucked you mom last night" "jokes on you my mom is dead" "that explains why she didn't move much".
Dougness ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 02:33:05 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I think you mean baseketball
BurryBurr ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 03:31:06 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
My friend pulled this one except ended with "Holy shit, she died from that?"
No that's your adopted mom. Your birth mom left you in the middle of the freeway because you're such a mutant. She's great in bed though!
[deleted] ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 03:31:59 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
During my high school years the "your mom..." Phrase was in its boom period. My mom died when Inwas in 9th grade. Oh how fun it was to make people feel like shit by filling them in.
edruler99 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 03:59:47 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Mine response to that is "Good luck fucking a pile of ashes". They usually shut up.
Something very similar happened to me in high school, guy was pissed my team was winning in basketball, he was a "jock" and we were fit nerds except, he called me a "bitch" i said "your moms a bitch" he said "my mom is dead" and I'm pumped with adrenaline and just say what's on my mind "GOOD!!"
Lol. You can't slip Kevin smith jokes past me bud, nice try. From one of the "a night with Kevin smith" videos
batchyoce ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 05:38:46 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
There is a difference between savage and obnoxious, this isn't savage at all.
mealzer ยท 18291 points ยท Posted at 18:02:16 on September 16, 2016 ยท (Permalink)*
At my high school there was a chick in a wheelchair. She was extremely good looking but suuuuuper bitchy. A guy was walking down the hallway with some retro lunch box, I forget what but it was actually pretty awesome. Anyway, she says "Nice fucking lunchbox."
How does he reply?
Nice fucking legs.
Everyone was speechless.
jhuang30 ยท 3934 points ยท Posted at 21:17:18 on September 16, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
If TV has taught me anything, they will fuck by the end of the semester.
As someone who ended fucking after graduation party with the girl I hated all 4 years of college, it doesn't happen only in movies. And hatefucks are awesome.
Edit: idk how I managed to get it, but we hated each other since I could remember. To make it worse, my middle name (Alfonso) and her lastname (Alonso) were similar, so we were constantly mistaken as each other.
In last semester we were paired in a team and we kind of worked out our differences, and made one of the best projects. Kind of clicked with it, but distanced again until graduation party (series of eating and drinking until morning with all the newly grads). Somehow we started talking while drunk, and frick fracked our hate away.
We sometimes find each other and talk about other stuff.
Our friends think the hate never died. We are not in love, but are kind of friends.
Such a funny and oddly similar story. As a sophomore, our math class had each student paired together at one desk. The first couple weeks I mostly just slept every day but I started catching heat from the teacher, so I decided to be a smart ass and do all the homework in class (it was already posted on the board before we came in - funny story with that, but that's for another time) - so I decided to do all the homework ahead of time in class and then I could sleep and if she got mad I'd use the fact that I already knew how to do everything as a super edgy 15 year old retort. So, one day I'm sitting there doing the homework and the girl next to me, who admittedly was very attractive, was like:
"What are you doing?"
"The homework..."
"What are you, some kind of nerd or something..." (in a super condescending bitchy tone)
At this point, I didn't think to highly of her so my comback was something stupid like "What are you, some kind of bitch or something" - teacher heard that part, of course, and I got reamed for it.
So anyways, lunch was next and I sit down at the table with my friends and this kid goes "yo what happened with you and [girls name]" I just laughed and told them and he started cracking up. He was like, I almost didn't think she was talking about you - he said he told her that didn't sound like the meerkatattack that he knew - he says all I did was sleep in his classes.
Anyways, she actually got in trouble for something and switched classes, but since that day she fucking HATED me. Anytime for the rest of high school that we were near each other it was an absolute bickering match.
Senior year rolls around and I'm sitting in our world religions class (Read: Automatic "A" for your grade for no work)
She walks in on the first day and I stupidly mutter something like "Great, this class is going to hell" and she just responds "Well you can go fuck yourself"
I started laughing. The pretty mean spirited bickering continued. This wasn't flirting bickering, mind you, this was like some mean shit at each other.
Anyways, few months roll by...the homecoming dance was on a friday night and I skipped it, but I helped a buddy of mine set up his house for the after party and about 100 kids from my senior class show up. I walk in after grabbing some shit like cups or whatever and she's there. For whatever reason she runs up and jumps on me and just kind of looks at me and smiles. I start looking past her thinking this is going to be some kind of a sick joke. Nope.
We start doing shots and then I fucked her in the laundry room. We hooked up randomly at parties and almost never talked about it. We were still pretty mean to each other but there was always a sly undertone of "can't wait for the next party" kind of thing. It was pure hate sex and it was awesome.
Because you're married. It isn't edgy to do something you already should be doing. It's edgier and adrenaline-pumping to do something that you aren't supposed to and is "forbidden fruit".
What I'm trying to say is you need to try pegging.
I did the numbers...30 years of marriage x twice a week up until 2 years ago then once a month. We've f'd about 3000 times. 3000. I need to buy a fishing boat.
Takbeir ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 07:09:07 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
The same reason there aren't more half-Israeli / half-Palestinian kids.
HeelR- ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 06:10:35 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I don't get the last part, if the hate was proper mean, why would she randomly jump on you at the party? (Just trying to figure out what was going on in her mind). But man, if i was you i would've never missed a party LMAO.
I thought the same thing. I thought she was like going to pull a prank on me or something, like distract me while someone stole my wallet or something. I was so shocked I just kind of like held her like an idiot. Idk - at the time I think she was a little out of my league too so I was even more skeptical. Nothing happened though.
HeelR- ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 22:04:23 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Wow, not gonna lie man, i'm still thinking why she done it. Well, if she was pretty (i.e. above 7/10) then i wouldn't care and hold her tight as well lmao.
imperabo ยท 10 points ยท Posted at 07:02:48 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
He was probably the only guy that didn't kiss her ass and try to get with her. Girls like that.
HeelR- ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 22:05:38 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Nice logic. I wouldn't be surprised if this is the reason. Some girls do like it though and act like a diva because of it. One thing i learned over the years is never kiss ass/try obvious flirts to the crush. Such a cringey thing
Hate sex is common because the part of the brain that interprets hate and anger is actually very close to the one that interprets attraction! So once you started drinking that's exactly what was happening, the brain was getting all mixed up and then to pound town you went!
A guy tortured me for years in high school. Turns out he liked me. I never dated or did anything with anyone from my school until the day before graduation. We hooked up and he told everyone. People were shocked and I didn't care.
seems pretty straightforward. Dude hates chick for 4 years. For 4 years the sexual tension builds until they have a good old hatefuck at a grad party. There was probably alcohol involved. hopefully no one got pregnant
I don't know how that would happen in college to be honest unless it was a tiny school. At a college of any size if you don't like someone it is soo ease to avoid them (unless you are in some tiny major).
_poppies_ ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 01:38:35 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
This is my dream
iowabeans ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 04:14:01 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Hate fucks are the best. I used to deliver pizza. One day I ended up delivering to an exes older sister that was always a huge bitch to me. When she opened the door we were both stunned for a moment, she signed the receipt and we both went about our business. Before I get back to the store she finds my number on FB and sends me a picture of a red vibrator in her snatch, claiming she needed another pizza. I raced back to the store, told them her order was wrong and it needed remade. Hauled ass back. Me being young and dumb, blew my load in her. We had to inch off the bed while I was still in her before I pulled out because she didn't want it on her moms bed (didn't work). I throw my pants back on and she hands me a $20 and tells me I can keep the change. Best day at work ever. We hooked up a few more times on deliveries.
iowabeans ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 04:33:59 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I've also held a beer pong table and been arrested on a delivery. Quite a few stories ahaha. Can get away with just about anything if the general manager is a family friend.
CidCrisis ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 04:52:39 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Your boss: "I'm not paying you to fuck the customers!"
Eurynom0s ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 05:41:41 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Frenemies but with a side of FWB. noice
DrJeXX ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 05:54:04 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Met ex got all pushy with me because I absolutely hated one of her friends. And it wasn't because of the reason you are thinking of. It was because this chick was attractive and hated me just as much ans my ex thought that hate was one passionate step from fucking. Guess she was right.
You were enemies so long you could only relate to eachother. She was like your fuck buddy skeletor. Which if it isn't a band name, it should be.
missingsf ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 13:23:40 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)*
I had a weird thing like that happen. There was a girl freshman year of college. I met her once. For some reason she would flip me off every time we passed each other on campus. I had no idea why. Whenever I tried to ask why, she would just keep walking. She did it in front of my friends and girlfriend. Anyway, last week of senior year I ran in to her at a random out of the way bar. We were both drunk, and when I approached her she started yelling at me for lying about her. I had no idea what she was taking about. Turns out some guy told her I was telling people I fucked her and her friend in a three way. I didn't do that. We ended up going back to my place. The whole time I kept looking at her and remembering all the flip offs. It was one of the more surreal fucks I've had.
Pantarus ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 12:17:24 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Ten dollars says there was some poor friend-zoned doofus who was the nice guy to her all those years. Probably made fun of you with her, held her hair as she puked, was the shoulder to cry on when guys like you broke her heart. He was waiting for the right moment to tell her how he feels...love, love needs the right moment to be revealed. The graduation night party...that's it. It's perfect.
He imagined and rehearsed the moment so many times. Even had a dream where it all went according to plan. Which now made him feel like it was destiny. Bought new clothes, even told her he has a surprise for her. It all seemed to be going so well.
But then He got the first twinge that something was wrong when you walked into the party. As you sauntered on by he leaned over to her and said, "Asshole warning." Something he's said a million times and got a chuckle, but tonight she looks at him and says " I dunno...actually, he's not really what we thought." What? What did she say? What does that mean? Nothing it's nothing he convinced himself.
As the night went on she got steadily drunker then he hoped she would. He tried to stem the consumption, but she actually got angry with him. She told him to stop hovering. He grimaced but obeyed. He walks out into the summer night and hikes around the campus. First angry, but as the memories of all the sights come flooding back to him he realizes that love isn't easy. He smiles and says to himself 4 years I've put in 4 years and I love her.
He runs back to the house, nows the time, I have to know it's now or never. He looks frantically around the house, the. As he walks by the stairs he heard it. Her laugh. That angelic laugh followed by your voice....the asshole is having sex with her? It can't be. He walks upstairs ready to white knight the shit outta you, but your boys see if coming and stop him before he can come close.
He goes home, crushed. The next day when she called him, he picked up the phone but made sure she knew he was upset. Then he told her. Spilled his guys out al over the floor. She walked over them as she said "I'll always love you...as a friend."
zxcv7531 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 04:18:07 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
If you'd be upset if she got attached to another guy, well, I'd say you're in love. I think you might really like her so make sure she knows you might like her, just in case, so that your next post isn't about the girl you hated getting away with someone else.
Thanks, but don't worry, man, this happened almost two years ago. We have different lifestyles, career paths and ambitions. It was more a physical thing than something more substantial.
I already miss two love stories, one that fit your description, but those are to be told in other threads.
To be sincere, I'd be excited if she finds her other half.
for sure. this chick and i hated each other from 7th grade and all throughout high school. spent the last few months of senior year having a shitload of sex, then went to college and never talked again
GodMonster ยท 7639 points ยท Posted at 01:01:24 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I was at a guitar store once, I'm not a very good guitar player, but I was shopping for an amp and decided to try a few out. I pulled a guitar down from the wall, plugged into an amp and started tweaking the settings to my liking.
A guy in a wheelchair came up, plugged into the amp next to me and dimed the volume, then proceeded to play some masturbatory metal licks. I gave him the benefit of the doubt, powered off the amp that I was testing and walked across the room to another amp, plugged in and started fiddling with settings again. Again, he rolled himself over, plugged into the amp directly adjacent to mine, turned up to 11 and proceeded to go to town on the guitar.
A second time, I gave him the benefit of the doubt, walked away and tried a third amp without saying a word to him. He rolled over, plugged in, turned up and started playing as loud as he could. I asked him if he'd mind giving me a few moments, as I was considering buying one of the amps, and he responded with "I don't know why you bother, you're a shitty guitarist and I can do anything you can do ten times better."
I looked him in the eye, said "Not quite anything" and reached up to hang the guitar from the top rack, which I had to stretch a bit to reach, all while maintaining eye contact.
Dark-Ganon ยท 4182 points ยท Posted at 02:20:34 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
If this story is true, wheelchair guy has some serious inferiority complex issues to work out
rlaxowns ยท 12 points ยท Posted at 05:46:41 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I was once walking around NYC with my trombone in a backpack- like case, and some random guy dressed up like a hippy walked up to me when I was in front of the traffic light and asked, "Do you think you can play guitar?" Obviously I was more than a little confused, and was like, "Errr no, I don't play guitar. This is a trombone." And he just said, "30 years. I've been playing for 30 years." I was still kinda confused, so I just said cool and walked across the crosswalk since the light had turned. As I was walking away he just yelled some gibberish about rock and skill and finally just screamed "you suck" or something.
Not even that, but everyone plays for a different reason. Not everyone wants to be the greatest musician ever. Lots of people just want to have fun, have some nice instruments and maybe one day get more serious. But really if someone goes to a store and shits on people worse than they are, I feel really bad, because they're getting nothing out of all that practice they're putting in other than the thought that there are some people out there worse for them. Just wasting time they could spend just actually jerking themselves off and cutting out the middle man.
In a store in the town where I live some of the employees do this. Like 40 y/o washed up rockers trying to out compete teenagers. It's pathetic and would be bad for business if they weren't the only one.
pac_pac ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:19:23 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Kinda feel sorry for him. Probably a mental side effect of losing his mobility so he thinks he's gotta prove himself to himself and others. Still being a dick though.
idk man, Jimi Hendrix didn't rise out of the guitar to compliment him and give him a high five while simultaneously beating the wheelchair kid to death, so I'm having trouble believing this guy
I'm a regular at guitar center. The people there know me by name and I'm pretty close to one of the guys. He invites me to local shows.
This happens at least once a day. You're trying to live your life and Mr. 2'-ear-gauge-having, flannel-with-a-band-tee wearing, backwards-vans-hat with the snakebites from when he was emo in 2009, swept hair / undercut, tattoos all down the arms, tore jeans, grabs the Ibanez and sits at the Line 6 section and fucking goes apeshit. And it's really a shame he's wearing that System of a Down shirt, because even though they're not the best live they put out good music and a great live show but this guy doesn't have any skill compared to even his t-shirt and definitely doesn't need to be diming the volume.
So now you're sitting there contemplating suicide because you don't want to be in a dick waving competition with this guy, and he's only doing shitty 12-X-X-X-X-X-10-14 sweeps and shitty djent 0-0-0-0-0-1-0-0-0-0-0 riffs and it's like, you have potential, fucking practice. Or is that the requisite level of skill needed to pull tram or something? I don't know. I've only had one girl interested in me playing guitar and yet somehow this guy will probably fuck three bitches on a shitty Monday.
Big if. I have a hard time imagining a person being so insecure as to act that way.
bruppa ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 06:00:51 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)*
Its totally true, there's something about crippled people and stuff like this. I was at the Dunkins with some coworkers and there's one guy who's a paraplegic, he has to be fed food. We take turns during outings, it was my turn to feed him. He's really fussy about how he has to be fed though so its always an ordeal. Not too fast, not too slow, I was about to talk, don't shove so hard, I can't reach that.
I'm trying not to fuck anything up because a few times recently when he got mad he'd get really personal with "the feeder" and ruin the mood completely. Anyway so I'm feeding him a maple bar, only half engaged in conversation because I'd rather focus on preventing the day from being ruined than actually enjoy myself. I'd just gotten my divorce over some infidelity issues like three months prior so I knew what his trump card would be. He keeps complaining I push too hard and that there's frosting on his lap, "is this how you eat? covered in frosting like a retard with dough mashed in between your teeth?" I didn't engage.
Finally I've got a rhythm and he's eating, I'm chatting, no problem. Then the dreaded moment, he asks for milk. I check out of conversation once more and the way my coworkers are frozen looking at their plate I know they heard him too. They know how tense drink time can be. I grab the glass and bring it to his mouth and he's already twitching his neck around at the glass. He tries to chase the glass but that's not the biggest problem, he swallows like a fucking machine gun. Gul-gul-gulg-gul-gul; tiny little rabbit swallows in rapid succession. If the milk hits that wall in his throat he coughs and flips out. He chokes up a little bit and the milk drips off his lips and on his shirt. He says "back off with the milk dammit" as I'm wiping the milk off his lip he says "you gave your wife half your shit so you'd never have to see her like this, why do you wanna see me looking like that cum guzzling whore." Quick as a whip I go with this savage line: "Shut the fuck up you crippled shit, my limbs are more functional than yours." Then I ran 10 laps around the building (there were windows, he saw), came back in, ran right at him and drop kicked him out of the chair. The whole fuckin place stood up and started cheering like motherfuckers. I have free donuts at that Dunkins for life now and my boss fired the guy with no severance.
mealzer ยท 1262 points ยท Posted at 01:13:56 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
"you know i would argue with you but i think i'll be the bigger man and walk away..."
bigyams ยท 19 points ยท Posted at 02:33:21 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
delicious copypasta
[deleted] ยท 10 points ยท Posted at 02:55:50 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I've never heard of such a pretentious person in a guitar shop. Becoming an advanced guitarist is doubtlessly difficult, and in my experience the assholes and attention seekers either develop a respect for the art or fail to progress. Sounds like you found a real shitter, or this was simply some man-child that learned a couple licks to flaunt around. Either way, rock on dude.
competitive shredder wanking is par for the course at your local guitar center. Which is why most guitarists avoid their local guitar center if they can help it
Good words. Almost all the guitarists Ive ever met were supportive of new players.
Singers can be dicks. Bass players don't seem to talk very much. Drummers are usually cool.
Draskuul ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 05:27:31 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I can just imagine him being in one of those fancy new wheelchairs which actually moves into an upright position and might actually reach that. Talk about the ultimate anti-comeback.
[deleted] ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 03:41:34 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
can do anything you can do ten times better.
Don't get me wrong the guitar community has its toxic people but this sounds a bit too cheesy for IRL
roarkish ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 04:13:52 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
based on some of the posts i've read on guitar forums, i wouldn't put it past him, even if the story is fake.
[deleted] ยท 9 points ยท Posted at 01:57:55 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Dude, if this had happened, that would've been awesome.
This will burn in as one of the top HC tropes. You know, one of those that play on the tiresome handicapped-is-really-secretly-cruel-therefore-they-deserve-their-condition stereotype.
I'm actually not speaking to you, OP, who is clearly simply sharing anecdote, but those who went well n to upvote this above all of many other submissions.
Yeah, fuck those who are already suffering, amirite?
Sorry if I sound weird. I'm drunk. I think I made some decent points tho.
[deleted] ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 15:13:21 on September 19, 2016 ยท (Permalink)*
[removed]
ijimbodog ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 18:21:34 on September 19, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
"I had a couple days without loging in reddit" - u/vergasion
On a totally unrelated note, vergasion's profile says he's made a comment every day for at least the past week, after that its hard to tell. Were these "couple days" like a month ago? If you feel like you need to lie to strangers about your internet habits then whatever man.
"Whatever man, you guys just aren't on my level" - things u/vergasion might respond with
[deleted] ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 03:27:37 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Jesus Christ, you win...
[deleted] ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 03:28:10 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)*
I have left reddit for a reddit alternative due to years of admin mismanagement and preferential treatment for certain subreddits and users holding certain political and ideological views.
As an act of protest, I have chosen to redact all the comments I've ever made on reddit, overwriting them with this message.
Being pretty doesn't give you a free pass to be a bitch. Neither does being handicapped.
It makes me smile that she got served such a heaping dose of equality
Yeah, thought it was pretty basic. Snarky teen, mysterious but oh so badass girl and a goofy but well meaning authority figure. Some of the dialogue was so formulaic I almost shut it off, but soldiered through to the end because I like Paul Rudd.
It's not about that, it's about what being a caregiver and being the one needing care is about. Try looking past what you learned in art school or whatever.
agreed. I reluctantly watched it the other night and really enjoyed it. Rudd is great, the disabled kid (from Red Oaks I think) was amazing. and I've got no shame in saying that Selena Gomez was really good, too.
Just finished watching, fucking fabulous! I forgot the name, couldn't find this thread for a bit and jumped for joy when it came up on "recommended for you.......because you are currently pathetic and miserable, drinking a slurpee you've spiked with wine on a Friday night while your cats think it's time for Mortal Kombat, but yet bath time at the same time..?"
Yeah I added some flair to that....
Awesome movie though!
Haha, yeah i did king of fighters 2002 last night against my wife on our neo geo cabinet. Unfortunately mortal kombat was never on neo geo so i can't get that for it, but there was definitely booze involved.
Almost certainly tone of voice. Those same words can be delivered two totally different ways (and if she was known for being a bitch, it adds to the likelihood it was the mean way)
[deleted] ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 02:44:20 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
morenr725 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:15:22 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Mint condition, never used
AdamGeer ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 08:02:49 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
complimenting*
[deleted] ยท 166 points ยท Posted at 23:05:33 on September 16, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Almost certainly tone of voice. Those same words can be delivered two totally different ways (and if she was known for being a bitch, it adds to the likelihood it was the mean way)
Also depends on what that object is. "Nice fucking car" said to an owner of a brand new Lamborghini and a owner of a decade-old Lada would obviously mean different things.
new-aged ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 03:10:47 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Mean - Nice fucking lunchbox.
Nice - Nice fucking lunchbox.
You have to get the tone in there. (See above)
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 08:08:18 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
While OP is probably right, I've been told my sarcastic voice and normal voice are pretty hard to distinguish.
I agree with this theory, but the concept works against my favorite comeback when a girl says something nasty: "you're not hot enough to get away with acting like that"
A lot of guys put up with it because "doesn't matter; had sex". I have a guy friend who is a serial bitch dater, yet always complains about how bossy his gfs are. It also reinforces the girls behaviour that she can get any guy just because she's hot so she can act like a huge diva without any repercussions.
Delanium ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 04:30:43 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
There was a disabled girl at my middle school that was a complete and utter bitch. She acted so sweet around teachers, but was terrible to the kids. If anybody pissed her off she'd tell the teacher that that person had made fun of her disability, and the teachers always believed her.
That was like, 8 years ago and I still get angry.
Leporad ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 04:44:29 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Being pretty doesn't give you a free pass to be a bitch.
Most of the time it does.
rossiFan ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 21:20:48 on October 3, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Seems that girls in the US learn very early on that being pretty is a license to be a cunt without repercussion. I, on the other hand, am educating my son otherwise.
[deleted] ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 01:59:41 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Is it so surprising that someone who's been dealt a shitty hand in life might have a bit of a chip on their shoulder?
Adam-SB ยท 7 points ยท Posted at 02:31:03 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
No, it isn't. That isn't a free pass to be a cunt though.
Yes, but you should fight back in a way that isn't just pointing out how their life is harder. I have one hand, and I know there are people out there that think it's some amazing comeback to just point that out blatantly. It's not. It's just stupid, it doesn't hurt me or any other disabled person that I know that have been disabled for a long period of time. Also, when someone's a real bitch to you, you should be able to clap back with something better than just pointing out that you think you're better than them because your legs work. That's weak af. Y'all people that think that's some amazing comeback either don't understand how little that affects most people - other than making them think twice about making any joke about their own disability - just need to work on your comebacks, that shit isn't clever.
There you go, that was at least clever. You got me there, mate.
ghostdate ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 03:52:18 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
It sucks when you encounter a rude wheelchair person. I was at a farmers market during the summer and walked in front of one because he was stopped, but he moved right when I stepped in front of him and he blurted out, "yeah, walk right in front of me, shithead." I didn't want to start shit, because he clearly had a bit of a mental handicap as well, but man, most normal people would just be like, "oh, excuse me" if they bumped into you.
[deleted] ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 14:23:16 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
People tend to act like assholes more often when they feel socially untouchable.
I wouldn't give a shit since I'm a sociopath and if in the mood roasted the crippled vegetable a bit before walking away while eating the fresh vegetable I just bought.
Buddy works with a Palestinean guy that constantly complains that everybody hates him because of his ethnicity when in fact he is hated because he is an asshole.
rinkima ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 06:32:08 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
In a similar strain I have a blind friend who semi-purposely bumps into people while walking just to have them start to bitch her out before apologizing after seeing that she's blind. She's chill af tho.
seanbray ยท 8 points ยท Posted at 23:55:33 on September 16, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
So this family is on vacation. A pastor, his wife, and their 3 boys. The oldest boy is 17, and the hotel has rules about the number of guests per room. Knowing that his 17 yr old son will be staying in a room alone, the pastor asks, "Is the pornography in our rooms disabled?"
The concierge replies, "No, you sick fuck, it's just normal porn."
A comeback like that really gives you a leg up on the competition
Kukri187 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 13:04:33 on September 20, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Check it out, this comment of yours made Facebook in a CollegeHumorpost.
mealzer ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 14:49:11 on September 20, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Haha awesome. The best part of this for me is that not only did I steal the story from my best friend who I went to high school with, but about a month ago I posted a picture of him on his bachelor party on photoshop battles and it made it on the chive hahahah.
Being handicapped doesn't exclude you from your responsibilities, either just in general or as a human being. I delivered some pizzas, during a snowstorm, to a guy in a wheelchair who routinely shortchanged us. I get to his place and he gives me $1.50 less than what the total is. I ask him if he has more money, he says no, and I take the pizzas away and go back to the store. I mean, he knew what the total was, he could've ordered less if he didn't have the full amount. So, anyway, fuck that bitch.
I like to dip the bread heels in my soup if I don't have proper rolls on hand. Nothing beats nice, warm, soup-flavored bread.
jcagle972 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 07:03:48 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
They're extra good for Toad-in-the-Holes (hole in buttered bread, fry an egg in the hole. Some people call it Eggy In A Basket. I don't trust those people).
[deleted] ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 05:00:53 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Have you ever heard the love story of the crusts: Two pieces of bread different from the rest of the loaf, split furthest apart from one another. They rely upon being constantly rejected as good bread to eat to slowly yet surely come together to form a crusty love hug and inevitably be thrown away in the bag. Whilst the rest of the loaf has been eaten, they are together for a journey to the tip and end in an moldy eternity.
I'm sure this could be worded better but you get the point.
Better than being the bag. You get ripped open, sit and get ignored while your contents get consumed, and then eventually, you just get thrown the fuck away. No one eats the bag, no one appreciates the bag. The bag is lonely.
1SaBy ยท 11 points ยท Posted at 21:11:20 on September 16, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I don't get it.
olib_6 ยท 40 points ยท Posted at 21:14:05 on September 16, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
In a loaf the end with one side of crust is never eaten, but to get the rest of the bread you have to touch it. Thus never wanted, touched by everyone.
1SaBy ยท 48 points ยท Posted at 21:19:09 on September 16, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
People don't eat those? If the bread is freshly baked, that's the best part!
Deadbath ยท -5 points ยท Posted at 22:55:39 on September 16, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Meh. That comeback's floated around for a while now. It's been meta in every one of these threads.
nouille07 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 22:19:04 on September 16, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Welcome to France
[deleted] ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 00:41:25 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Just bake your own. Basic stuff only takes like 15-20 minutes of work for however many loaves you feel like making. And the ingredients cost almost nothing.
1SaBy ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 21:36:07 on September 16, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Not on regular basis. Once or twice a month at the most.
My roommates leave it for me as well, you're not alone. If I'm being honest, i totally judge people for not eating it. It tastes the exact fucking same...
RECOGNI7E ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 23:22:26 on September 16, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Yes, you are weird
Iorith ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 06:05:35 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I like it as long as it's one end, one middle. Two ends is too much.
1SaBy ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 21:45:36 on September 16, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
As far as I know, my entire family likes them.
[deleted] ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 23:43:23 on September 16, 2016 ยท (Permalink)*
[deleted]
1SaBy ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 08:44:25 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
That actually does look pretty horrible.
woyteck ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 21:26:08 on September 16, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
British bread weirdos.
1SaBy ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 21:37:23 on September 16, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Are you saying that the other commenters are British or that I'm British? Because I'm not British.
Keycuk ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 21:53:09 on September 16, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Even the end bits of a loaf of British bread are better than that chemical shit they call bread in America!
This is the most scything one in the whole thread, the kind of broad strokes hit that people will dwell on for months. Its a gift that keeps on giving.
I said this to my buddy once... he came back with "well you're like the last slice of bread. Nobody touches you and nobody wants you"
nixalo ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 22:30:57 on September 16, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Look at Mr "Wasting Bread" Over here. Got good money to throw away bread. Why don't you listen to your address music on your iPhone 7 and iPods and make toast on your Samsungs.
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 06:00:54 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I've seen that end slice as that book end piece to keep the middle slices covered. Not that I don't want it. I just don't wanna eat it without the other end piece.
Cheryl: "Mopeds are fun but you don't want to let your buddies see you riding one."
Pam: "I thought he meant I was fuel efficient. I had only had 10 ten beers."
Since when is baseball gay?! Just because I'm obsessed with Max Scherzer's dirty, filthy pitching and his strong arms and the way he handles the balls and his sexy strikeouts doesn't mean I'm gay ffs.
AmAShill ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 18:59:35 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Well at least you're straighter than the pole OP's friend's wife dances on.
[deleted] ยท 7948 points ยท Posted at 23:23:43 on September 16, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Standing in line at the grocery store in the morning of New Years Day. Guy buying donuts, girl behind the register says "That must be your NYs Resolution."
Guy: "My resolution is to mind my own fucking business."
She started crying and someone else had to come take over.
Damn. I wish I had something like that ready a few years ago when I was buying fried chicken and wine around Thanksgiving and the cashier said, "Looks like someone's having a lonely Thanksgiving, eh?"
Eldalai ยท 3327 points ยท Posted at 02:07:10 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
"Yeah, what with my mom having Alzheimer's and my wife and infant daughter dying in a car crash six months ago, it's going to be pretty fucking lonely"
making people feel really shitty about saying rude things is fun
When my parents were about 24, pretty poor, and my older sister was just a baby, they woke up in the middle of the night to their apartment building on fire. They escaped, but the entire building burned to the ground.
That night around 2 AM, after losing everything, my young parents and their baby were on their way out to my grandma's house to stay with her, but needed to stop at a 24hr Walmart to get the baby essentials they would need but no longer had: ie. Formula, diapers, super basic stuff.
My mom walks up to the register, wearing her pj's because ofcourse that's what she was wearing when the fire broke out (and no longer owned any clothes).
The cashier looks at her and, in a judgmental tone, says "well aren't we all dressed up."
Seriously though, what the fuck? Even if your parents house HADN'T burned down, why would somebody look down on someone else for buying baby stuff in the middle of the night in their pyjamas? What a dumb and shitty person.
[deleted] ยท 934 points ยท Posted at 05:12:56 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
After 8pm Walmart goes black-tie
Coffeesq ยท 504 points ยท Posted at 05:27:16 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
As someone who works 3rd shift, a fair amount of people who work that late simply hate their life so much that the only satisfaction they get is by being total dickturds. Not saying it's okay, this is just what I have experienced.
klezart ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 05:13:38 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I don't know about you, but I won't go to Walmart without a suit on. /s
Its walmart at 2 am. There are way many more people to judge than someone in their pjs.
slaaitch ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 05:53:55 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Why would an overnight Walmart cashier look down on anybody? I mean, at least you're probably not a heroin addict, so you have that going for you, I guess...
Seriously, I thought normal attire was daisy dukes with shit running down your leg.
MJBrune ยท 14 points ยท Posted at 05:31:23 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
"I guess you would call this dressed up when you make 2.50 an hour." maybe even throw in "You'd be lucky to have something that isn't the ground on your back." and then "Whore." under your breath.
Oh my god. I need a filter in my life. Like in my every day, comfortable life I say shit that makes me grab my mouth with one hand and reach the words that just flew out of my grocery hole with the other. My friends know this. My family knows this. It's never on purpose or really malicious but sometimes I say awkward shit.
When you speak to people you've never met, that should be on lock. I meet 50-100 new people a day with my job. At all hours. I'm all states of confusion and disarray and I would never say anything like that TO them. Maybe behind closed doors but damn.
Also I've been to Walmart about a million times in what could be considered PJs. If anyone ever said that to me there I would immediately mention that I don't have to get dressed up to see someone donning a blue apron getting paid minimum wage. Or some other kind of word vomit like I mentioned earlier that unwound most likely regret 5 minutes later. Funny how that works.
Fairnin ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 05:29:07 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I can only imagine what it would be like to be a fly on the wall and hear that conversation
Naznarreb ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 05:53:29 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I may be shopping in my PJs but at least I'm not working graves at a fucking Walmart
shanerz ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 06:36:05 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Cashier works at Walmart, life has already let the bitch have it.
[deleted] ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 04:48:39 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
or maybe they're an awful person and would count that as a win
[deleted] ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 06:37:27 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
No, then they just feel bad only because of what you said. They're still shitty. And probably because they're insecure about something.
When people say stuff like that (never that obvious or overtly mean), I usually just smile and say "I'll be alright" and then tell them to have a nice day.
I figure they'll think about it more if someone is just fine with a situation that they see as negative.
I had fresh scars all over my face, after my medical leave. They weren't terrible, but they were very noticeable. I got sick of explaining them to people so I just would pretend I didn't know what people were talking about.
That was pretty brutal, "What? There's something wrong with my face?"
Mind your business
This one lady wouldn't let it go. She insisted that she knew exactly what happened to me because her brother had similar scars.
"It was a ski accident! You were wearing goggles; I can see where they cut around the eye."
I seriously couldn't stand her and she was getting too personal, but I just kept brushing it aside to show it wasn't something I wanted to talk about.
My coworker stepped in and said, "He was in a car accident and had to be air lifted so he didn't die. He doesn't wanna talk about it."
She went pale.
Then the apologies got annoying just as fast.
Boundaries, man.
Tchrspest ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 03:13:01 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
"Speaking of, can you hold this for me? I need to go grab some whiskey."
You end it by reminding them that their life is shit too - "everyone I love died, my dog has cancer and I just got fired, but at least I'm not working as a cashier on fucking thanksgiving"
GoGators2 ยท 8 points ยท Posted at 05:24:51 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
OMG that reminds me of an incident long ago when we were at Disney World with my 3-year old son. My wife was in the bathroom, I was chilling on a bench and my son, overheated and exhausted, was having a mini-meltdown in the stroller and accidentally kicked a passing middle-aged woman. She scowled at me, so I apologized and said "Sorry, he needs a nap." She snapped back at me, "What he needs is some manners!". I said, "I know, but he hasn't been the same since we lost his Mom in the fire." The look on her face was priceless. Fucking bitch, lol.
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:41:29 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Got this once - was wearing black because, you know I couldn't find anything darker.
Snarky girl: " Who died?"
Me: " My father" - it was 2 years previous so I felt a bit guilty.
I have moments where I think of really good shit like that to say, but I never actually say it because I'm always afraid it will come true if I say it outloud.
Yes! Simple example the other week, sitting on a bus, minding my own business, reading a bit of reddit, etc. Judgemental woman and her slightly mad but tolerated and generally well meaning friend behind me. Judgemental woman from nowhere makes a deliberately loud comment about people looking at phones on a bus, and doubled down when I challenged if this was for my benefit, claiming it offended her. I was barely controlling my incredulous anger. Her friend tried to explain that they liked /talking/, with /eye contact/, proper conversation like proper people blah blah.
I must admit to tweaking the truth for a good smackdown, saying that I was sending a message to my wife who's long-term sick in bed letting her know I could pick up medicine when I got to my destination and would be home soon. I then expanded on it by running in how wonderful it would be were my wife well enough to be able to catch a bus (she genuinely isn't some days, I just stretched it and coloured in the gaps with florid sentiment).
Outraged that bus woman would choose to tell me that I was not allowed to communicate quietly and discretely with my spouse, I went for, and got the kill. She felt proper shitty and apologised, so I pointed out that she has no idea what's going on in other people's lives so perhaps not judging world be a good idea. Hinted at a bit of Jesus stuff because they were regular churchgoers, and bam a straight win, allowing me to go back to browsing reddit.
Gordo778 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 06:58:57 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
When I was sixteen some customers at my workplace were chatting about Mother's Day and tried to bring me into the conversation, asking what I was doing. I told them nothing special, and they just went off on me. "Oh my god! How can you not celebrate mother's day, don't you love your mom???" Until finally I told them I would be visiting the cemetary. That shut them up pretty fast.
spawndon ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 07:08:31 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
But wasn't she trying to ... um sleep with the guy?
"Lol you must really suck at life if your whole family is fucked up like that. I imagine your father left for a pack of smokes? Anyway, enjoy your lonely thanksgiving. I'm going to have mine with Cindy!"
cue cindy coming out of the stock room and getting hugged by Chad
marr ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 07:49:42 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Yeah, fuck that guy. Don't joke about loneliness during peak suicide week, asshole.
Oh man, I made a friend feel like garbage one time. He noticed a tattoo I have of a close male family members name. He joked, "is that the guy that broke your heart hurr durr" and I was like "yeah, that's my relative, it really broke my heart when he died."
Lozzif ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 13:31:48 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I did that that some random asshole. Asked if I had kids. Said no. Asked why not. Answered 'well I've had two miscarriages and then my fiancรฉe dumped me for a man'
I did this to a woman at the grocery store one time. When my son was born my wife almost bled to death and my son ended up spending the first month of his life in the NICU. This combination lead to my wife not producing enough breast milk to feed him. She tried so hard and was so upset she couldn't. She pumped all the time and took all kinds of supplements to try and increase her supply. We gave him as much breast milk as possible and supplemented with formula so my son would starve to death.
Anyhow, when my son was 3 months old some nosy, know it all woman was in line behind me at checkout when I was buying formula at the grocery store. She then proceeded to go on a rant about how "breast is best" and how we were selfish and lazy for not breastfeeding. I told her my wife died during childbirth and that I simply had no other choice since I can't produce breast milk. At the time thinking about almost losing my wife made me pretty emotional because it was still pretty recent and raw so I actually teared up.
The woman looked absolutely mortified. She stuttered and mumbled something about forgetting something and went back into the store while I checked out. I hope she learned her lesson and never does that to another parent again. It's none of her fucking business and if she would have said it to someone like my wife it would have just been so devastating.
I was camping with a buddy and he was giving me shit about my pink bandana. I got a large collection of my mom's bandanas after she died of breast cancer and some were more colorful than others. I thought I'd fuck with him a bit and said "It was the one my mom was wearing when she died."
He didn't miss a beat and asked "Did she look as stupid wearing it as you do?"
I was at the movies when I was younger. Texting before a movie. Couple at the end of the aisle tells me very rudely to put my phone away. Think about it the whole movie. As we are leaving I turned to the couple and told them that I had diabetes and my parents wanted to make sure I was alive and that's why they texted me. Couple was speechless.
Hit em with the teenage daughter though. You know your whole world the one who made you give up your crippling addiction and your sweet loving wife karen who was TAKEN from you by a drunk driver.
God I love making rude people feel awful.
Ctotheg ยท -9 points ยท Posted at 04:00:30 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
"Please feel sorry for me" is a good comeback?
Why?
It's supposed to make a cashier (who already doesn't give a shit about you) feel bad?
Lonely? That sounds like an awesome thanksgiving. No big family dinner, awkward conversations about politics or when I'm getting married, and I can wear sweat pants.
It wasn't even actual Thanksgiving, it was a couple days before! I ended up eating leftover fried chicken for Thanksgiving which is better or worse depending on how you want to see it.
Somewhat related, I absolutely hate it when cashiers comment on my food or how often I visit the store/restaurant. I know they're trying to be jokey, but I don't want to be judged, even in a light-hearted way, on what I get.
This will sound really petty and immature, but one time when I went to a favorite restaurant, the cashier said "I should remember your order since you're in here all the time." I didn't go back for a month.
"Yeah that's why I like to bring a meal to a homeless person, because I'm trying to make people feel better about their lives before I go home to my loving family. If you need someone to talk to later when you are here all alone working, go fuck yourself."
The secret is to be prepared. Several years back I was waiting tables at a chain restaurant. Several times I lied about having a wife or kids, just because people assumed otherwise. I really don't recall more about what was said, but a person said to me something followed by, "When you get a real job, you'll learn about that." Being quit witted, I shot back, "Doubt it, my wife is a surgeon down at the hospital. We already agreed I'll stay home with the kids in a few years. I'm just doing this to get out of the house till then." Instantly their looks said, "WTF, you're more rich than us?"
RithyH ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 02:35:51 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Wine... fried chicken. Good thanksgiving.
flirt77 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 07:37:47 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I got broken up with over text while I was checking out at Trader Joe's last year. I really like the frozen Asian food they have there, cause I work late and don't like doing meal prep every night. Not even 10 seconds after I got the "never talk to me again" text, the cashier says, "This is some single man food right here." I wanted to cry but I ended up laughing, it felt like it was scripted.
I was making a dessert recipe for Christmas a couple years ago. And I needed to packs of double stuffed Oreos for the recipe. So I go to the store and only get the cookies. I go to check out and a 20 something year old girl says to me, "big plans tonight?" I just kinda laughed it off and left. I'm a big guy so it kinda hurt but life goes on.
"Said the man stuck working the cash register selling these items to me..."
oniiesu ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 07:21:41 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Looks like someone is speaking to your manager
Jedi4Hire ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 07:42:44 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Reminds me of when my grandfather died. I was at a store buying a new suit jacket and black tie. The lady at the register, trying to be funny, says "Nice suit, who died?"
I looked at her without expression and said "My grandfather."
SkiSTX ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 08:28:26 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Navvana ยท 503 points ยท Posted at 03:41:11 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Two possible reasons that come to mind.
She's socially inept and is just trying to be friendly. She struggles with it daily and this guy just happened to be one of many social interactions that despite her best efforts has gone negatively.
She has the emotional stability of a spinning top.
jussnf ยท 34 points ยท Posted at 04:53:52 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I actually felt bad for her. She tried....
[deleted] ยท 73 points ยท Posted at 04:50:48 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
RQK1996 ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 09:09:12 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
anonymity helps a lot with social interactions
Ragnrok ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 12:27:36 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Thus exacerbating the problem until you die.
[deleted] ยท 25 points ยท Posted at 05:01:53 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Spinning tops are actually pretty stable. That's why they spin, angular momentum.
Navvana ยท 46 points ยท Posted at 05:35:56 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)*
A spinning top is stable which is why I used it as an example. The statement "like a spinning top" would make no sense in this context if the the starting condition was unstable as that means your action towards them is irrelevant. However, compared to other stable systems it is far more vulnerable to perturbations. Further a top will decay into instability in commonly used scenarios (like most readers will have experienced) which alludes to the intended impression of an "unstable" personality.
While the top becomes more resilient to perturbation as the angular momentum increases this can be said of any stabilizing factor. For example my pyramid becomes more stable as I increase the base's area. Since people most frequently encounter tops that have close to the minimal angular momentum to maintain stability the example works on an intuitive basis.
I've never seen a spinning top cry when I screamt mean things at it.
Navvana ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 13:02:53 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Yea but "emotional stability analogous to a spinning top's ability to resist the gravitational force while maintaining its spin" is a bit of a mouthful.
It's true, I was waiting to board a plane and the guy a couple people ahead of me was arguing with the flight attendant about how he usually gets his carry-on checked for free.
Me: Yeah it sucks when you don't get your way, huh?
Him: Why don't you mind your own fuckin' business?
Honestly I was too impressed to say anything, I just grinned and shook my head. If he hadn't been an asshole in the first place I would've told him that the airline had been asking people to check their carry-ons to save space (gratis)
cogenix ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 12:32:05 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Cashiers are often ordered to make smalltalk by their superiors and they hate it probably more than customers. It's exhausting and weirdly dehumanizing to be forced to attempt to relate to every person that comes through your checkout line. Sometimes you say something stupid and most people are kind enough to let it pass.
goawaysab ยท 7 points ยท Posted at 04:30:21 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Maybe she was trying to joke/be friendly but did it in a totally wrong way.
[deleted] ยท 53 points ยท Posted at 02:17:09 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)*
I've seen lots of fairly mild comments from customers push cashier coworkers over the edge, including myself. You deal with enough asshole customers all it takes is a comment where somebody hits you personally and points character flaw you may or may not be aware of and it can really hit you hard.
Sometimes when i'm having an annoying day (lots of annoying overly entitled customers) it only takes a single comments that impies I need to gain weight (a problem i've been struggling with for a while), or that I am wasting my life because my job isn't better.
These are both things that have pushed me to the edge of crying. Never a full breakdown though, but I have had coworkers break down crying. one was simply for getting angry when a coworker didn't double back an item and the bottom fell out, the customer said under his breath "what a dumbass" And she broke down. It was unexpected, she was flustered, probably already having a bad day, and who knows what else.
Another time one of my coworkers jokingly said "lunch time?" to a guy buying a a few donuts/energy drink and he chimed back with something like "maybe if i were as fat as you" She broke down in tears.
customers go off on checkers for various reasons fairly frequently, and normally directed insults aren't going to make somebody lose it. Its the ones that people say that sound sincere when they're frustrated or think they're giving you advice.
Herbstein ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 16:38:40 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
A customer can be an asshole for many reasons, one of the main ones being them having a bad day. The problem for us cashiers is that we meet so many people during a day. This coupled with us having a bad day ourselves can set off a big range of emotions, to what might be a pretty mundane situation without context.
Whythankz ยท 69 points ยท Posted at 02:53:19 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
For real. I mean, what the fuck is a New York's resolution?
parko4 ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 03:54:39 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
She's probably the female version of that normal-weighted kid in your grade 11 class that wasn't quite a complete weirdo, but was a bit quirky and very awkward. Probably tried to make a joke with "oh haha those are your resolution"(OP isn't that fat), OP snapped.
I bet she had resolved to be more outgoing. So she was going to start doing so at her job. She was going to make small chat, make her customers' days better, and then this fucking asshole walks up and destroys her self esteem.
It really depends how she said it. If it was a lighthearted joke, I kind of feel bad about his response to her. But if she said it in a snotty/sarcastic way, then I'm good.
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 06:34:47 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Like a one for the road thing is what I thought
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 06:44:26 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
So ... "starting your resolution tomorrow" is the joke you go for.
[deleted] ยท 10 points ยท Posted at 03:26:54 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
This is why as a cashier I ask how they're doing and ignore them for the rest of the transaction until I say have a good day.
You don't know who's a joker and who's having a shitty day.
Same thing when you spend all day on the phone with customers clients. You choose your words carefully, and try not to say anything that could be misconstrued. There was an entire day devoted to this in training.
shmoozey ยท 22 points ยท Posted at 06:14:46 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
thats not a savage comeback... thats just an asshole on display
Yeah, it's not clever but it's definitely a good response. It's just aggresive enough and you get it straight away. Sounds kinda Tarantinesque (if thats even a word)
Wickywire ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 07:27:59 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Best one I heard was a friend rearended a car after getting brake checked. The driver that caused the accident gets out and yells "your dad is going to be mad you wrecked his car!" (He drove a bmw) my friend responded with "How's your little sister going to feel about her car?" (He was driving an eclipse).
bengy5959 ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 04:53:22 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
My friend was at target buying Legos and the lady behind the register said, "aren't you a little old to be playing with Legos?" and he said "aren't you a little old to be working at target?"
That's great. The people who go shopping the day after major holidays by themselves and get a box of donuts/bottle of wine/rotisserie chicken are usually at the point where they give no fucks. I know that was me for like 3 years.
kijib ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 07:59:41 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
then the manager came and gave him $100
Spongebro ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 08:02:29 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I guess you would have to be there but that guy sounds like a dick. Her comment sounds like donuts are a new year's resolution as in to eat them. She was having some friendly banter.
Disproves ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:26:28 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
That's needlessly rude.
C12901 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:08:36 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
That's enough to get someone to cry? If they're saying something rude I imagine they might think someone might snap back. His response wasn't even personal.
Call me stupid. But what would have been his resolution? Not buying donuts? How does that make sense? He's so weak that New Years day he caved? Is that a thing? Or was his NYs resolution to buy donuts? I'm lost, confused, or it just doesn't make sense.
I was actually on the receiving end of the harshest one I've heard in recent times.
It's Valentines Day, and my SO and I decided to hit the town after our meal, and we know a groovy cocktail place down the road so we head there. Now this place has all the bells and whistles, spinning and throwing their shakers about and generally being impressive.
I on the other hand was just an 18 year old who wanted to treat his bird. So I stroll up to the bar, massive balls impairing my gait, and decide to be a sarcastic arse to my girlfriend while ordering for us:
"Alright mate, I'll have the 'Mo Stache, Mo Problems' and she'll have her favourite... A Screaming Orgasm".
Now the bloke has a little smile and I get to chuckle to myself because I'm a teenager and got to say a slightly sexual thing.
BUT NO.
Up she pipes, and she asks me loud enough for the barman to hear:
"But Babe, how would you know if I like orgasms or not?"
My mom is a raging narcissistic bitch. During one particularly nasty fight, she told me she had the wrong abortion. I told her the wrong person died that day.
I get so sad reading posts like this. My mom was the most caring person I've ever known. Posts like these make me realize how lucky I was to have her. And so sad that so many don't get to have anything even close to that. I'm sorry you were treated this way.
We didn't talk for over a year. That was a few years ago but we're going on another year of NC. I felt bad for my mom because she didn't have anybody. I realized it was her attitude and horrible outlook on life that turned everyone away. I can say that I am much happier without her in my life.
kiwikoopa ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 12:03:52 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Took me a second to realize that you meant that your mom should have died and not that you wished you would have died.
"You look like you're going to spend your life having one epiphany after another, always thinking you've finally figured out what's holding you back, and how you can finally be productive and creative and turn your life around.
But nothing will ever change. That cycle of mediocrity isn't due to some obstacle. It's who you are.
The thing standing in the way of your dreams
is that the person having them is you."
setfire3 ยท 388 points ยท Posted at 22:01:02 on September 16, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
this is not even a comeback, the person didn't even say anything. this is simply just pure savagery.
elmoteca ยท 692 points ยท Posted at 22:53:30 on September 16, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
In the original xkcd, the woman that delivers that monologue is responding to a pickup artist who's trying to undermine her self esteem by "negging." She decides she'll neg him right back, and this is the result. So it's kind of a comeback.
sstair ยท 29 points ยท Posted at 05:09:47 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
[deleted] ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 22:47:36 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
when you give someone a "compliment" that's really an insult in disguise, to undermine their confidence and make them feel like they need your approval. stuff like the guy with hair in this xkcd comic (which was being referenced to begin with)
You know, guys not uncommonly think this - they get slapped down after acting like total dicks, yet they sincerely believe they did nothing to provoke it. Completely convinced of their own innocence. The obliviousness can at times be impressive.
1jl ยท 9 points ยท Posted at 03:05:36 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Still the quote that eats me up the most since I first read it. It's like a demon looked into my soul and shat out exactly what he saw right into my face. Steaming pile of self-defeating truth, running down my chin.
Tantes ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 04:36:52 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
The trick is to stop thinking that there's some master key, some secret to life and success that you work out in a blinding moment of self-illumination. If you treat every learning experience as though it's the final one, then you're never ready for the next one. All those "epiphanies" you have are just you learning stuff. That never changes and that's okay. The real epiphany is the accumulation of all of those, a lifetime of experience that builds up gradually. You find happiness when you stop looking for it and learn to be okay with the things about yourself that you can't change, working gradually on what you can and understanding that failure is a normal part of that process. It's okay to treat every day in front of you as a learning experience, an opportunity to grow and change, instead of attaching your self esteem to achieving an unrealistic level of perfection.
"Happiness is a journey, not a destination."
1jl ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 13:12:52 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
This is essentially where I'm at now. I think it's called "maturity" although I've been wrong about the definition for that word before. Learning to learn where you are at now in life.
i-zimbra ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:21:34 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
It's pretty much the stuff I tell myself all the time. No need to hear someone else say it as a comeback.
Have a hug, internet friend.
1jl ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 03:44:42 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)*
I personally know several shit-heads, fuck-ups, and losers who have completely turned their lives around to the point where you wouldn't even recognize them today if you had known them before. The funny thing is they all knew eachother or knew someone who knew them and I don't think that's a coincidence. The biggest thing holding anybody back from achieving something is a learned sense of helplessness. Keep trucking, and try not to listen to yourself when you think you can't do it.
i-zimbra ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 03:46:29 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Fuck, I'm gonna go sit in the shower and think about my life now.
Then probably reach an epiphany after smoking a joint.
Then do nothing with my life...
Tantes ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 04:41:50 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
This isn't a popular opinion here, but if you quit smoking weed it really does help significantly. Speaking strictly from personal experience
zaander ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 06:15:12 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I'd have to agree. Once you find something you care about go full force, 100 fucking percent, balls to the wall with it. Smoking weed never let me have that sense of caring.
And if someone gets to the point where they believe that, what the fuck do you do, then? Most of the time, admitting a problem is the first step to solving it. But if the problem with your life is that you're living it... seems like there's one solution on the table, and it's probably starting to look more inviting than you're comfortable with.
Although other sources played a part, the only person you truly have to blame for your failings is yourself. If you had only given more effort, tried harder, been a better person (less cowardly, less cynical, less afraid), you undoubtedly would have found the kind of success that would cause people to remember your name when you died. As it stands, now, however, you're beginning to realize that you are already - even at this tender young age - slipping into an overwhelmingly comfortable mediocrity, breathing an ether of small distractions until you die, screaming for a second chance, completely alone. And the universe rumbles on without you, the magnitude of its indifference impossible to calculate. You see, the problem is not that everyone has noticed how often and how spectacularly you failed. The problem is that no one has.
Damn, that would ruin me. I just spent today stressing and ranting about my problems to my buddies, and after a few hours of philosophical fuming, I felt I've had a few good epiphanies on what I've been bottling up. This is something that happens fairly often with me.
Realistically it's good. It's me realizing the things I didn't quite notice on the conscious level that dug at me deeper. I realize it, change things, and hope things improve for a bit before the next round.
If somebody said these words to me though, I'd take it to heart. Fuck.
when i was younger i told my dad that a rather hefty girl called me "four eyes".. he gave me this one for the next time it happened.. which it did, in front of all the older kids in the neighborhood.. "i can take the glasses off, can you take the weight off".. everyone busted out laughing.
lvnshm ยท 14 points ยท Posted at 05:35:06 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
That's a dumb fat girl. Four eyes is hardly an insult.
Xattle ยท 10 points ยท Posted at 07:40:22 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I've been wearing glasses since elementary but in middle school there was this jerk on the bus who had gotten glasses like a week prior. I don't even remember why it happened but he was calling me four eyes so I calmly said at least I remember that I have glasses. Didn't say another word to me after that until he and a pal tried to pin me at the park.
AmAShill ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:01:23 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Dude.. at least use a different comeback.
FlipZer0 ยท 557 points ยท Posted at 00:39:19 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Attractive female friends use to love scamming drinks at the bar. I dont approve of such underhandedness, but I (male) usually didn't complain, as I got free drinks our of the deal too.
One evening on a particularly slow evening an average looking but nice enough guy comes over and offers to buy her a drink. She accepts and chats with him for the 30 seconds it took to make the drink. As soon as the bartender put the drink in front of her, she turns her back to him, mid-sentance, and completely ignores him while talking to another friend. Guy calmly collects his drink and walks over to face her. In a calm even tone he says "Look, I know I'm not the best looking guy here, but I'm the only one willing to talk to you" downs the last of his drink, picks up his fresh one and saunters off to the other end of the bar. The bartender and I were laughing so hard we had to go outside for a smoke.
zaftpunk ยท 40 points ยท Posted at 07:31:36 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
This reminded me of a story. I have this really attractive friend and I would go out with her and she would wingman for me. Anyway we get to the bar and asks me what I want to drink. I tell her and she goes off and sits at the bar. A couple mins later a guys comes up and asks if he can buy her a drink. She says yes and tells him what I wanted. She gets the drink the comes back over to me and gives it to me. I'll never forget the look on that dudes face. I felt horrible and did not know that's what she was doing. Thankfully the guy just kind left rightfully upset and didn't start anything. I didn't hang out with her much after that and haven't talked to her in years now.
smoofles ยท 9 points ยท Posted at 14:45:24 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I always feel sort of bad for those kinds of people, because Iโve seen how formerly pretty people can have a really hard time coping once age catches up with their shenanigansโฆ but then, they deserve it.
did he take the drink he bought for her ? that would've be even more savage
Gonzobot ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 11:06:12 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
No, he took the drink he paid for, and the other drink he paid for too. Her assumption was that he would simply pay for her booze because tits. That's a very stupid thing to do.
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:24:05 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
i think the second drink was for her and he took it
Gonzobot ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:33:05 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
She thought the second drink would be for her, too, and it was - until she revealed that she was only interested in having somebody else pay for her intoxicants.
[deleted] ยท 15 points ยท Posted at 07:25:15 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Girls fleecing drinks off guys really grind my gears. So the first time it happened to me I was at a bar with a group of mates including my gf, I was at the bar, gf maybe 2 metres max behind me yakking to my mates. This very very good looking American chick comes up and asked if I could buy her a drink. Doubt it. To get rid of her I said "Sorry I don't buy drinks for ugly girls" she looked crushed then just latched onto me and forgot all about me getting her a drink.
I'm still waiting in line to buy a drink for me and the missus, with babing American girl still on my arm when an equally good looking girl came and asked if I could buy her a drink. I told her "Piss off, you're even uglier than her" pointing at the American hottie. Then she latched onto me. Not exactly the intended consequence since I've got a missus. But anyway I ordered my drinks and walked back to the missus with the girls in tow, gave her a drink then a pash and waved goodbye to the babes.
To add to this, I'm not hugely good looking, average height and slightly over weight. Missus is a babe though.
i was there, i was the bartender. soon he'd called so many girls ugly all the women in the bar were piled on top of him. they blocked the fire exit and i asked them to disperse but he called me ugly so i hooked onto his leg for dear life. everyone stood up and started clapping. then benedict cumberbatch signed his sherlock fanfiction.
xddm2653 ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 08:01:57 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Nice lol
Makiau1 ยท -21 points ยท Posted at 05:56:28 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Laughing so hard you HAD to smoke? Wow that sounds crazy!
FlipZer0 ยท 46 points ยท Posted at 06:18:21 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
had to go outside because she was so pissed at us for laughing
You know what. Hang on. This has been a long time coming. (Pulls out whiteboard)
knirefnel ยท 1384 points ยท Posted at 02:55:06 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
The ending is the most brutal I think:
"So, in conclusion, you're both equally mercurial, overly sensitive, clingy, hysterical, bird-brained homunculi. And I honestly can't even tell the two of you apart half the time because I don't go by height or age, I go by amount of pain in my ass, which makes you both identical."
I live how he is praying and everything, then turns it around and goes "Fuck you, God! I'm gonna live!" and fixes the collar
[deleted] ยท 30 points ยท Posted at 04:38:44 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
[deleted]
moal09 ยท 14 points ยท Posted at 05:56:26 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
FUCK YOU GOD
NOT TODAY BITCH
Gonzobot ยท 10 points ยท Posted at 10:54:38 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Well, God's about the only thing Rick isn't sure about yet. Worth praying to in case it works, but not worth acknowledging if he'd rather "work in mysterious ways" all the damn time.
I honestly thought Rick and Morty was a cartoon in the same vein and Adventure Time or Steven Universe. I watched 10 minutes of an episode at someone's house (the one with physical manifestations of how the husband and wife really feel) and I was hooked. If I don't hear the new season has a start date before 2017, I will kill one puppy a day until they do announce the new season.
rawb0t ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 05:33:25 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
They say before the end of the year we'll get the next season!
Best part though is that both versions of him do it exactly simultaneously. He was absolutely sure that that was what he wanted to do, it wasn't just a spur of the moment.
Murrderer ยท 39 points ยท Posted at 03:45:22 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Another one I loved was when he's in the spaceship with Morty and Summer and compares Jerry to some celebrity, and after the two laugh on his joke he simply says "I just made that up, he's not even a real person. You really are your dad's kids." The delivery and expressions were amazing
It is in the beginning of the first episode in season two. He says it in the house after Jerry goes upstairs.
Unless..... OMG! Are from an alternative reality where that scene is different? Did season 3 come out yet?
Murrderer ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 12:38:38 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)*
Oh man oh man... Are you telling me Mr Poopy Butthole didn't try marrying the girl from The Purge planet but it turned out that girl was a secret Intergalactic spy trying to arrest Morty?
Foxyfox- ยท 40 points ยท Posted at 05:21:43 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)*
It's a multi-level joke. First is that Rick is so lazy/misanthropic (thanks /u/joosier) to ask about someone passing butter that he built a robot to do it. Then it's that he built it to be so smart as to question its existence. Then it's that it's the only purpose for the robot--which adds another two jokes, that Rick put a huge amount of effort into the butter passing robot, enough to make it sentient and sapient, and then just had it pass butter and nothing greater; and that he plain doesn't give a shit either way. And finally, he dismisses its resultant existential angst out of hand.
joosier ยท 10 points ยท Posted at 06:08:22 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I think it was that Rick didn't want to talk to Jerry to even ask him to pass the butter so he made a robot to do it.
Joba_Fett ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 14:07:28 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I love how the robot has an existential meltdown through the episode. Next time you see him he has accepted that all he can do is pass butter but he's fucking pissed about it. The last time you see him he's just totally defeated, able to only meekly say "butter" to anything. It's fucking brutal and I love it.
It worked on youtube, but it's not a place for smart people, unreadable username. There's some idiot making a fool of himself, some guy in the comments yells "first", and then there are ads almost everywhere!
I'm sorry, Summer, but urp your opinion means very little to me.
Xattle ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 07:04:42 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Actually did that at work to two of my friends not too long ago. Both got pissed at me and were passive aggressive the rest of the night. Had no idea it was an actual reference.
shoneone ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 01:06:09 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
On a t-shirt:
"You're a piece of shirt and I can prove it mathematically"
[deleted] ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 07:04:25 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
"you have the constitutional right to be a dumbass"
Oh yes. In fact they used to carry hot coal containers on their heads to the public bathhouses in order to warm the water. Carrying the container on the head allowed people to look forward, thus avoiding tripping and potentially starting a fire.
Shadowex3 ยท -2 points ยท Posted at 09:43:10 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
4000 years ago calling someone bald got you mauled to death by female bears. God calmed way the fuck down after he got laid.
true, i know ignoring your bullies doesn't work 99% of the time but if it the right type of guy, showing you don't give an actual fuck to what ever he's saying will eat him on the inside
Solarbro ยท 14 points ยท Posted at 00:06:14 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
It works wonders in toxic people in online games. I routinely (hasn't happened in a while actually, haven't come across many flamers) respond to rude and abusive chats with "k" and then mute them. My friends then occasionally tell me if they're still yelling at me. They don't tell me what they say though. Because if they did, it wouldn't be as poetic. But I do enjoy that they scream at the wind after I can't hear them.
Someines I like to look at them like the way chris tucker looks at Jackie chan in rush hour, specifically when he cant understand a single word that is coming out of Jackie's mouth.
Most flat out insults rely on the person actually giving a shit.
Dason37 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:17:56 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
My response to "you're an asshole" is "and?"
NightGod ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 09:29:25 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
"Just figuring that out, are you? I didn't know you were stupid as well as ugly."
Dason37 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 15:08:23 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I might need to incorporate some version of this. I'm not huge on calling people out on their looks, as I'm hideous myself, but "you're an asshole. " "you're an idiot because you just now figured that out." Sounds sweet
Dahvood ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 06:50:38 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I work in retail, and use this a lot. It makes customers reconsider the dumb shit they just said and you can't really get in trouble by saying it.
Orrblunk ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 05:47:57 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I generally say "I know" when people call me that.
Or if they ask WHY I'm an asshole, I just look them dead in the eye and ask "Have you fucking met me ?!"
[deleted] ยท 60 points ยท Posted at 22:16:08 on September 16, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I have a co-worker that hates his job, our office, and most people in it. One may tell him thank you when completing a task. His only cold reply is "ok". He says this in a way that makes you feel like he would rather you be dead and the whole office was in flames. It's rather remarkable actually.
switchn ยท 9 points ยท Posted at 06:34:28 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Fat doesn't really contribute to diabeetus like sugar does though, so it's not really much of a point. Plus, to be on crutches you'd expect them to be of reasonable physical capacity, not someone who has been consumed by a food obsession.
But most people who are fat are going to be eating too much sugar. Fat isn't the main contributor, but it's a good indicator.
switchn ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 13:19:38 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Above user asked for the correlation between chips and physical impairment, another user responded saying diabetes. The fat (from chips) doesn't really effect the beetus. Body fat gives you a reasonable indicate sure, but buying chips doesn't.
Yet another example of why nutritional fat should be named something else... too confusing.
I read the original insult as implying she was fat (:if you didn't eat so much") and the 'shit' that was being refereed to wasn't just the chips in this specific case, but rather junk food in general.
So the original insult could be paraphrased as 'if you didn't eat so much junk food, maybe you wouldn't have diabetes, and you wouldn't need to use crutches'.
Cookie733 ยท 7 points ยท Posted at 06:17:47 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I'm not disputing that but there are so many more reasons why someone would be using crutches.
Sepof ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 06:26:08 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Why would a bad diet EVER result in crutches?
How many obese people have you seen on crutches? I can tell you the answer. It's almost none.
There's a reason... Obese people weigh to much to balance their weight like that. Plus, there's no way anyone over 250lb is getting through an average door or entryway on crutches.
Cookie733 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:52:37 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Yeah you are probably right, was tired when I wrote that and didn't want to wake up to a ton of angry people. I work at a pharmacy and the people that come in for diabetes supplies haven't ever been on crutches (at least that I have noticed maybe like one slipped by me). But when I see crutches, my mind goes "Yeah it was probably mountain biking with a rocket for extra speed.".
Sepof ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:01:17 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
When I see crutches, I assume some minor mistake that they would be too embarrassed to tell me about.
When I see wheelchair, I assume bad(ass) accident.
This one is kinda tame, but the reaction it got was worth it. I was in history class during my sophomore year of high school and there was this one arrogant silver-spoon motherfucker whose dad was a pretty popular dentist in our area. Naturally, the kid was going to try and follow in Pop's footsteps. We were talking in our group about random shit and one girl mentions something about wanting to be a veterinarian down the road. SilverSpoon says something like "That's the dumbest job ever/Who would do that/locust-like screeching" and the other guy in our group just deadpans "Sounds better than being a fucking dentist"
Dude turned beet red and didn't say a word to us the rest of the semester.
[deleted] ยท 22 points ยท Posted at 05:49:25 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Semi similar with my highschool situation. I was never really the type to be ashamed of my parents like some teens growing up. When I was in highschool my dad worked as a construction worker, it was the highest paying job he could obtain at the time as an immigrant. Some snob kept poking fun at "poor" people and flaunts his hats with the tags in them still and his fixie bikes. He once made fun of me in class saying "you drive a 2003 civic? Such a scrub" (this was in 2009). And a usually quiet guy in class retorted "dude you took the bus to prom". Felt amazing having people have my back
Sigilus ยท 21 points ยท Posted at 01:44:11 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
You mean the tall drink o' water with a silver spoon up his ass?
I worked this guy for six months, Lester. Six months! Can you imagine the number of sore mouths Ive put my hands in? The gallons of human spit? Plus the 100,000 dollar bounty down the toilet, but err... still, the look on his face when I pulled the gun: classic, huh?
magnoolia ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 07:32:55 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
My friend and I were at a bar with friends and he and I decided to order drinks that sounded tasty instead of "man drinks."
So we receive a baby blue beverage in a cocktail glass and a pink beverage in a cocktail glass.
They were delicious, but one guy (who happened to be gay) grabbed a shot of whiskey and said "Hey K! This is how real men take it!"
My friend, K, just instantly deadpanned, "real men don't take it."
God I'll remember that on my deathbed.
[deleted] ยท 1431 points ยท Posted at 21:34:29 on September 16, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Was sitting at a local bar when some dude nobody's seen around before (he looked like a weird, gangly trucker with his shirt tucked really tight, a handlebar mustache, and a Budweiser hat) comes in and sits down. Pretty female bartender walks over to him.
Pretty bartender: Can I get you something?
Trucker: You should smile more.
Pretty bartender: How about you go fuck yourself?
Now I know it doesn't sound like much but her saying it was just so crisp and sharp, and it was loud enough that everyone in the bar turned to them. Guy looked around, got up, and just walked out without saying anything else.
Adrian795 ยท 745 points ยท Posted at 00:25:31 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Well I guess he went to go fuck himself...
SirJaycub ยท 376 points ยท Posted at 02:02:32 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Failed the will save on suggestion.
kd8qdz ยท 10 points ยท Posted at 07:24:52 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
It's an awkward and weird comment. It's like man I don't know you, you don't know me, I'm trying to do my job, don't make it more weird than it needs to be
If you're being nice, you don't make demands or give orders.
h0ser ยท -20 points ยท Posted at 08:19:54 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
gotta love the scowling waitress who hates her job and shows it in her body language to everyone that she waits on. Shit like that can bring someone down. They need to smile more.
So it's her job to make everyone else feel happy or have a good time? I thought we all learned back in elementary school that no one can control our feelings but us lol. Working in customer service, it's her job to wait on you and be pleasant -- not make you feel good inside by smiling at you.
h0ser ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 21:40:16 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
It is her job to make people feel welcome and comfortable. Smilling is being pleasant, scowling and scoffing and sighing are not.
waku2x ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 22:13:10 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Sorry but I disagree. It's kinda your job to make people pleasant including smiling. I'm not going to tip highly( US ) or pay service tax ( Singapore ) if I come into an establishment and received half ass treatment
I had to pay 10% customer service charge + my meal + 8% gst and all the waiter had to do was put a plate on my table in Singapore. That's bs....
sbd104 ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 23:50:35 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Never had a happy Waiter give shitty service. Most of the shitty waiters are scowling. Guess who doesn't get a tip.
[deleted] ยท -24 points ยท Posted at 07:46:34 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Can't people say this without trying to objectify or control you though? As in an advice sort of way.
Strangers should not be giving people advice on how to arrange their face. Also, they don't know their life. What if they'd lost their job that day? They'd had their heart broken? Their dog has died? It's not their place to tell someone to change their facial expression just to become more physically appealing.
torystory ยท 7 points ยท Posted at 10:45:26 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I always answer this with "my grandma died today". The reactions are priceless. That's not something you "advise" to a stranger, even if it's in their job description. Don't tell anyone how to do their job.
[deleted] ยท -15 points ยท Posted at 12:51:26 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)*
If they had any sort of traumatic experience then they shouldn't be serving customers. Whatever happened to her shouldn't bounce back on the customer. I'm just thinking we're looking at him unfavorably for 1 comment and a description of his physical appearance. 1) It's one sentence taken out of context
2) the only description you have of the man is a physical one
3) the only reason it sounds bad is because most people are equating that he was hitting on her in the process
4) What she replied with was much much much much more rude that his original comment.
Sure what she said was rude, but it's annoying no matter who said it. I don't care if Brad Pitt tells me to smile, it's patronising and weird. If he had an issue with her customer service then he should have spoken to her manager, not demanded that she make herself more physically appealing to him and asked her to perform like a dancing monkey.
[deleted] ยท -8 points ยท Posted at 13:17:43 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Nobody asked anybody to perform like a dancing monkey. What she said was far ruder than what he said, and she is the representative of her establishment. It was handled pretty poorly from all angles.
[deleted] ยท 12 points ยท Posted at 09:03:42 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Are you their manager? Are you their therapist? If no on both, you're in no position to give such "advice".
[deleted] ยท -3 points ยท Posted at 12:45:15 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
And that gives you precisely zero reason or authority to tell them which facial expression to wear.
[deleted] ยท -4 points ยท Posted at 13:27:03 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Zero reason? As their customer I'm the only person who will be effected by their attitude. Their therapist or manager isn't the one buying drinks from her.
Edit- Well her manager might be irritated because of the loss of a sale or two.
People like you are why working in the service industry sucks.
[deleted] ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 17:23:28 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
The fact that you turned an impersonal discussion into a personal attack is the reason why I won't continue discussing. However I have worked in both retail and food service and have dealt with many customers personally and I want to make it absolutely clear that anybody trained in customer service will tell you that was the wrong thing to do. Take care
This happened to me a few months ago in a grocery store parking lot, I was reeling from an argument with my mother and returning the cart full scowl when this older man says "give me a smile you'll look prettier," and I made this face of like angry evil villain laughter and told him I wouldn't smile for him if it would save his life. Ironically my savageness kind of brightened my mood.
No, that shits hilarious. It reminds me of an episode of trailer park boys where a fake preacher asks Bubbles, "Can you read, my son"
"Well, I don't know.. Can you go fuck youself." Flawless, seamless, and hysterical.
Shadowex3 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 09:52:53 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
weird, gangly trucker with his shirt tucked really tight, a handlebar mustache, and a Budweiser hat
Maybe it's just me, but in the right tone, I don't see what's so wrong with what he said. Some people would look better smiling.
[deleted] ยท 79 points ยท Posted at 02:44:42 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)*
I think telling people to smile more is a pretty presumptive thing to tell a complete stranger - some may take it to think that they're saying you're transparent enough that they know more about what's better for you than you do. I honestly think it's one of the most condescending things you could say to someone that you don't know.
Smiling looks better on anyone who's customer facing. No one wants to work with someone who has a scowl on their face. Certainly not someone who's so sensitive as to tell a customer to fuck off for as far as I can tell, an innocent suggestion. You Internet people can downvote me all you want, but that's how the world works.
It's really not. You have no idea if this waitress was "scowling" or not. She could have just, idk, not been smiling. But regardless, it's not his place to tell her how to look or how to do her job...
Maybe it's just me, but in the right tone, I don't see what's so wrong with what he said. Some people would look better smiling.
But unless someone is a model, currently in the act of modeling something for you, their face isn't there for your amusement. If someone doesn't ask for your opinion on their face, your opinion on how they could look better doesn't really matter.
[deleted] ยท -14 points ยท Posted at 06:21:21 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
That makes sense, but I don't think someone should be walking around with slanted eyebrows and a scowl on their face if they're dealing with customers. In any different position I would have agreed 100%. It wasn't his place to tell her, he did and it was a blunder, but loudly cussing at a customer is the opposite of good customer service. Even if the man was mildly belligerent and annoying.
Renyx ยท 22 points ยท Posted at 06:32:53 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I get what you're saying, but just because she wasn't smiling doesn't mean she was scowling furiously. Maybe she just had a general blank look. Or maybe if she is frowning she has a reason to. Maybe something horrible happened to her earlier and she's trying not to think about it. Or maybe she was actually smiling at least a little but the guy thought he was being smooth.
Telling someone you don't know to smile is telling them to alter their mood and looks to your liking. Girls get this a lot, and it's very demeaning coming from strangers.
Also, she's a bartender, not your normal run of the mill customer service. She controls the booze switch. Number one rule of drinking is don't piss off the bartender. They are boss.
[deleted] ยท -10 points ยท Posted at 07:22:39 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
If thats the case the bartender shouldn't be really easy to piss off.
Seriously? What the guy said was fucking rude. I'd cheer if I saw my bartender do this to someone. They have to be in control of their surroundings, it's part of the job, and part of being in control is not taking shit from people.
[deleted] ยท -6 points ยท Posted at 07:32:07 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Since when did "You should smile" become fucking rude? I should smile. I think you should smile too. I have no idea who you are, but it's not really that rude. It might be a little invasive. But smiling faces do make a room feel nicer, especially when you're the hostess. I don't know exactly how the guy said it, but cussing him out was definitely not the right way to go about it.
You should smile has always been rude. It's up there with; you should cut your hair, or you shouldn't have so many tattoos, or you should dress more feminine dear. It's patronizing, in this case sexist, and dehumanizing. As others have pointed out in this thread she's not there for his visual enjoyment.
Obviously in a dive bar with an apparent solid regular crowd, she didn't need a rude assholes business.
Bars aren't target or the shopping mall where you have to grin and take it from rude customers. They kick people out all the time. And if the guy is a dick the moment he sits down, it means he's only going to get worse as you put more alcohol in him.
[deleted] ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 07:54:33 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I don't think it was even mentioned that it was sexist. Simply because he was a guy and she's a woman you're making the assumption that he was hitting on her. If it was said to a man, it wouldn't sound as rude would it? That's the point I'm making. You're judging the man as some rude asshole being sleezy. All you read was one sentence without any context whatsoever except what the man looks like And that he's talking to a female bartender. One generic sentence without any context at all.
[deleted] ยท -3 points ยท Posted at 06:50:37 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I think any type of customer service is altering your mood to the customers liking. If everybody who has ever worked in retail or the food industry or even the bar/club scene could be unapproachable based on their mood, it'd be a pretty crappy customer experience. Especially when tips matter. As I said, it wasn't his place to say anything but I don't think her reaction was justified.
Renyx ยท 11 points ยท Posted at 07:10:08 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Again, I get what you're saying, but I don't think you understand this type of situation. I can almost guarantee she didn't look unapproachable (not to mention she approached him). But her actual facial expression, which we don't even know, aside, you do not tell someone they should smile. It is said out of one's desire to control the other. They may not be thinking "I want to control how she looks" but when you get down to it, that's what it means. A lot of men have a subconscious expectation that women should look nice for them and cater to them just because they're male and she's female and 99% of the time that's what telling a woman to smile is about.
I get that it's probably not something you have to deal with, but women deal with this quite often and it deserves this response.
[deleted] ยท -1 points ยท Posted at 07:20:35 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I disagree with you because of the setting. Whether it was a man or a woman, telling someone to smile when in a service industry might be awkward, but it is certainly not worthy of such a reaction. The way the man was described was rather biased. But any normal person saying, you should smile more, might not be exactly smooth. But it doesn't warrant a loud tell and cussing at a customer. That's rude and honestly, even as a bystander I wouldn't want to approach that bartender or even come back to the bar. If she's dealing with people drinking all day, then she's heard much much worse than you should smile. And lashing out might be self satisfying, but it is an illogical overreaction to an off comment.
I'm reminded of the joke about how if you met one asshole today, that's just bad luck. If everyone you met was an asshole, then actually you're the asshole.
What I'm saying is, I suspect Mr. You Should Smile More thinks he meets assholes constantly each and every day.
What actually happened here is that this trucker was not charming so the bartender was hostile to any uppity behaviour.
It's a mood and authority thing: if a sweet old lady had said it the bartender would be flattered. If her boss's boss had said it she would just agree. Even if a female trucker has said it, she wouldn't have been offended. But because a gross trucker said it, she stomped him.
It has nothing to do with was was said or their lack of relationship, but rather judgments about the person who said it.
Other people are not there for you to look at. What part of that is difficult for you to understand?
[deleted] ยท -3 points ยท Posted at 07:44:29 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Actually they are. As a bartender, she's expected to maintain standards of customer service. It just doesn't make sense to tell somebody to fuck themselves because of an off comment.
Yes, she's expected to serve you what you request within a reasonable time. That doesn't make her your fucking eye candy. That doesn't mean she's there for your viewing pleasure.
Wisemd123 ยท -13 points ยท Posted at 06:54:15 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Haha wow. I assumed you were a rude person just by the nasty tone of this post. So after looking at your post history, and seeing every single post is in a nasty, condescending tone, I wasn't surprised.
Maybe you should think about where you are in life and what you can change to become a happier person?
No need to reply, just something to think about. (I know you'll reply anyway, but I won't) Have a good day!
[deleted] ยท 2028 points ยท Posted at 19:21:37 on September 16, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I was standing in a bar with some friends and friends of friends about to go see some local band.
Some woman and her friend are standing beside me, in a way that implies they are part of the group. (They were not.)
I say, "Hi, I'm Jessie, what's your name?"
She relies, "I'm Lydia, and you sound like an asshole."
Everyone in the group is suddenly interested in this unprovoked hostility.
Without missing a beat I simply reply, "Well, your name rhymes with Chlamydia."
May not have been the best comeback, but it made everyone roar with laughter, which was good enough for me.
๐๏ธ Koean ยท 718 points ยท Posted at 19:25:27 on September 16, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
How did you manage to come off as an ass hole? ๐
[deleted] ยท 717 points ยท Posted at 19:29:26 on September 16, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I simply asked her name. As it turns out I was later told that she was a huge proponent (edit - probably the wrong word) of rape culture, hated all men, only made love to "wymyn", and brought up the chlamydia thing for days afterwards.
grimitar ยท 51 points ยท Posted at 01:00:26 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
How did you find out that she talked about it for days later? I though that she was just some random person in line.
alexmikli ยท 28 points ยท Posted at 04:47:56 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
One of the friends probably just knew who they were.
andprix ยท 43 points ยท Posted at 04:11:01 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
fuck me, this is just as stupid. Men and women haven't hated eachother until just prior to eighty years ago, the majority of us all just got along just fine with an outlier 20 percent or less of both sexes, who made so much noise it echoes through history. Ask your grandma if she's still alive (especially if she is quite old, like pushing a hundred) or just read some fiction written prior to 1900 if you want proof. There are characters of 70 years old in books written in 1899, who sound just like people today, bitching about the habits of the young.
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:33:28 on September 18, 2016 ยท (Permalink)*
The amount of respect I lack fir people who pick on how ah talk vs what ah actually said can't be measured by convention meens. Go read some fucking fiction from the 1880s to see how normal people acted, you've essentially proved my point about the outlier percentages of either sex echoing through history.
[deleted] ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 04:01:16 on September 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)*
You get a lot of women are, sadly, abused in some way and it distorts their thinking when they get involved in feminism. These are the extremists and they're pissed off, loud, and super motivated. But they're causing more problems than they solve. It's a messed up cycle.
I have never heard the term "mansplaining" anywhere outside of reddit.
That said, if anyone uses the term to me I'm gonna pretend they are talking about garden trimming in the gentlemen's area. If they try to correct me I'm going to condescendingly tell them how they are mistaken about the whole thing.
Nurum ยท 28 points ยท Posted at 03:13:57 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I have a couple friends on Facebook who run with crowds that use it all the time. They like to pull it out anytime a man disagrees with them or says anything they don't like. They REALLY don't like it when I point out that they are marginalizing an entire gender because they feel like some men marginalized them.
[deleted] ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 08:38:55 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
My super-liberal debate group uses it a lot unironically.
[deleted] ยท 26 points ยท Posted at 05:02:30 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Worst debate group ever, I'd hope your teacher has the logic to be like, no, you're not allowed to shut down conversation based on the speaker, learn how to debate the actual argument.
It's basically a one-way fight - I regard myself centre-right and now it's insane to reason with them, with "privilege" and all that.
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:58:01 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Honestly, I'm a little past center left, but I still always like to hear both sides, it's either going to strengthen your argument or give you a new perspective. The problem is that when some people face the cognitive dissonance of their weak arguments, they double down and usually resort to fallacies.
We need people to play devil's advocate, and actually police their own sides bullshit, instead of forming echo chambers, because then we get these talk radio level idiots like Alex Jones or Piers Morgan taken seriously, which lowers the level of discourse for everyone.
I use it as a joke to my husband once in a while because he is a little focus -intense and if he knows something he has to explain it, even if he knows I already understand it. (He and I both have ADD and the doctor thinks he might be a little on the spectrum.) The thing is, it isn't gendered; he will do it to anyone. He is trying to be helpful or specific, but that doesn't mean it isn't irritating when we both understand what I am trying to say but I am having problems getting the words out so he talks for me.
I have unfortunately heard it. An ex of mine once used it. I did not enjoy that side of her.
SerCiddy ยท 15 points ยท Posted at 00:49:51 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
It's even better when it bleeds into politics. My California Governor just vetoed a bill that would get rid of taxes on certain sanitary items (diapers, tampons, etc.). The female politician who was heading the bill took to social media and asked him to "#mansplain" it to her why women have to carry the state on their backs.
I recently did some rough calculations on the repeal of "tampon tax" in NY. It was being thrown around like the state was "putting womens health first" it saves 4 dollars/ year for women between 12 and 45......
That's fucking stupid. Let's not tax food then since we have to eat it every month. Like what the fuck. Cups should be tax free. Tp tax free. Fucking people.
SerCiddy ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 14:20:06 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
There have already been many states that have voted out tampon taxes as being discriminatory against women, California is just not one of them. Our Governor cited fiscal responsibility, i wasnt sure if the article was referencing all sanitary items or just tampons but the total revenue lost would be about 300 million, this tax ememption would be a huge cut into the budget.
Yes, my state did it too. To be clear, they eliminated all sales tax on these products, right? Or was there some other tax that was attached to these that was removed? If there was an extra tax, sure, remove it. But sales tax? That's discriminatory towards men to remove all tax on a product just because it's for hygiene.
SerCiddy ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:41:22 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
This is not to remove sales tax, it's like a "luxury" tax.
same reason sales tax is charged on condoms and electric razors....and some other random thing women dont buy so much as men. like vasectomies and dodge chargers.
Gonzobot ยท -2 points ยท Posted at 11:01:33 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Why should some products for some genders not be taxable? They're not government provided, they're free market consumer products that could be made at home if they didn't want to pay taxes.
Nurum ยท 21 points ยท Posted at 03:10:13 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
A few days ago someone on Facebook did the "well I don't need a white male to mansplain things to me". She REALLY didn't like it when I responded with "well I wouldn't expect a woman to understand anyways"
True, but if they're not willing to listen to begin with nor are they inclined to be civil, why should we be obligated to take the high road instead of saying whatever shuts them the hell up? I'll agree it's counterproductive and juvenile, but there's only so much time in this life and we can't spend needless amounts of it on assholes with closed minds.
It's counterproductive and juvenile and doesn't accomplish anything. It's just trying to get the last word in as if f doing so means you've won. Just walk away and move on with your life.
Fuck me, the same idiots that "mansplain" also do it to other men that let them get away with it....But these egocentric idiots have convinced themselves that it's men doing it to women, they are basically the analogue to the idiot guy everyone hates anyway
Kain222 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 13:21:02 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I don't think the term helps anything as it's pretty charged, but the phenomenon does exist.
It's less the idea of a man being unable to explain things to a woman without being sexist (suggesting so would be ludicrous) and more about the occasions where a woman is doing something, a man comes up and attempts to "help" without reading the telltale signs that said woman is already adept at it. They assume the woman doing that thing must be a novice due to their social preconceptions.
Brym ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 04:01:50 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
There needs to be an official Godwin's law corollary that applies whenever someone invokes [x]splaining.
Gonzobot ยท -1 points ยท Posted at 10:59:32 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Mansplaining is just explaining being done by a man, which is automatically him being sexist because feminist women are fucking crazy. Not like everybody is perfectly capable of not knowing a thing and needing it to be explained to them...
[deleted] ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 02:27:19 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
ceazah ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 04:47:24 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
so they were part of the group?
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:24:08 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
No - they were going to the same show and vaguely knew one of the friends of friends from work so they wandered over.
chumly143 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 09:16:19 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
So you were striking a righteous blow for justice?
Criplor ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 09:23:36 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Interesting fact: the etymology of the word woman is actually not sexest. Man used to strictly mean person and the prefix used to be pronounced slightly differently. But the definition of man shifted to mean people or males and the word for woman did not.
RegalGoat ยท -6 points ยท Posted at 23:37:10 on September 16, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
RegalGoat ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 07:27:03 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Well, it's a better descriptor for this view than SJW. Not sure how this makes me a neckbeard though lol. Surely a neckbeard would white knight leap to her defence?
edit: ya ok someone who happened to be literally reddit's biggest fear was also super bitchy for no reason, except the reason was actually because she's reddit's biggest fear
[deleted] ยท -4 points ยท Posted at 01:09:14 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Considering that I've never heard anyone use the word wymyn unironically
MacDerfus ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:15:42 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
does it matter if it is?
[deleted] ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 02:26:39 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I mean, honestly? This particular thing, on its own, is whatever.
I do think that this website often has a really skewed, unfair view of feminism that's largely colored by /r/tumblrinaction and informed by a complete lack of familiarity with feminist theory. I also think that's kind of a problem, if only because it constitutes a large group of people making a philosophical decision based on incomplete information.
Feminism isn't the problem. Hence the distinguishing of the feminist from the feminazi. Feminists are fine. The tumblr culture of misandry is disgusting, and the loud obnoxious people who spread out to the rest of the internet and try and 'educate' people on the 'truth' they read on tumblr are even worse. Telling vets what PTSD is like, making up lies to get housemates kicked out of college because they dared to have sex with a man, the whole vaccine bullshit and the haes bullshit. They are literally killing people. Quite literally.
[deleted] ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 05:01:29 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Thiiiis is pretty much exactly what I'm talking about, actually.
What, where my view of feminism isn't tarnished by shitty people in a shitty subculture that identify as feminists? They are shitty people. Both my examples happened and are avid tumblr users. Not all of tumblr is like this, but tumblr is even more self selecting than reddit, so the echo chamber created around misandry and anti-privilege is unusually large and obnoxious. Feminazi is a term referring to someone who calls themself a feminist but acts like a nazi.
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 14:22:15 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
basically
misandry and anti-privilege
Is something I can't be 100% sure of without you giving me examples, but are likely what I was talking about with the comple lack of familiarity with feminist theory. Chances are, you've neither heard nor cared to look for the justifications behind basic third wave ideas.
Then there's the whole expanding shitty actions of literally two people to an entire movement--third wave feminism, or "feminazis" as reddit likes to call them--and ascribing fringe viewpoints to said movement.
No, those are examples. There are many more. The mansplaining bullshit where people who claim to support gender equality use a gendered derogatory term, that male tears meme, the fragile masculinity meme, the fact that one of these groups successfully stopped several laws against the rape of men from being passed, the ridiculous debate over false rape claims and the same group shutting down a law to protect the identity of the accused until the verdict.
Large groups of people, all of whom have admitted links with tumblr and have pages on tumblr, have acted in shameful and harmful ways, which have nothing to do with equality and everything to do with misandry. I do not associate them with feminism, despite their claim to be feminists. Just like we don't associate the nazi party with socialism, despite it being in the name.
If you want proof that these tumblrinas are nothing to do with third wave feminism, just look at the gender identity debate. Third wave feminism is extremely anti-gender identity and gender roles, with the principle that who you are as a person is irrelevant to your physical sex or your sexuality. Tumblr's groups, on the other hand, are pro gender identity but want to widen the variety of identities. Similar problem, (people aren't defined by sex), utterly different solution.
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:06:15 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Hoof
Friend, you should take a course in critical theory. You're wrong on several counts.
I have done. Explain how. Your current argument consists of 'nuh-uh', I'm not sure you have room to criticise.
[deleted] ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 17:04:56 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Explaining how exactly you're wrong would involve untangling a ton of shit that your argument stands on and presupposes and would take waaaaaay too much effort on my part. I don't want to.
You have made no legitimate point at at any time, you attempted to strawman my position, and tried twice to make me seem anti-feminist despite explicit statements of the opposite.
If theres anyone here who needs a critical thinking class, it's the one who has failed to use any of the principles taught. Address the argument that exists, not the one you wish existed, or you're not going to change anyone's opinion since you're not talking about the same thing. Make positive arguments towards your own point, not just negative ones about the other person, or you can never convince anyone you are right, or end the argument.
[deleted] ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 17:42:13 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Critical theory isn't critical thinking.
I'm not in an argument with you. This is not a debate; I've stated my viewpoint and why I don't want to argue with yours. End of.
(Sidenote: if we're going to do that dumb internet argument thing where we go hurr durr u used a fallacy so ur wrong, the whole ""feminazis"" =! feminists thing is a pretty textbook no true scotsman.)
Fair enough, I was not aware of the former, though I fail to see how modern issues from an internet community can gain much from the context of the culture and historical context of 'right now and on the internet'. The culture generated is the problem I am talking about, so that doesn't help, and I already addressed how the self-selecting echo chamber of tumblr contributes to their attitude, and they live in the same era and mostly in the same part of the world I do, so I don't need to adjust my viewpoint to understand the issues they face.
No, it's not anything to do with the no true scotsman thing. Because nobody is making a claim about all feminists. The only claim being made is about the misandrists that try and legitimise their bullshit by pretending to be feminists. Again, I am not confusing the assholes from the misandrist community of tumblr with feminism in any form. That community is explicitly anti-equality, so by definition they are not feminists. They just claim to be.
My entire argument is: There exist a community of assholes, many collected in a community on tumblr, with horrific misandrist principles that have acted on them in horrible ways in real life. I backed this up with several examples of how this culture have acted in real life, which have forced them into public notice. They universally try to justify their actions with the claim of feminist principles, despite not being driven by the desire for equality. These people, who call themselves feminists but act purely driven by hate, are what is generally meant by the term feminazi.
There are stupid people who call any feminist they don't like a feminazi, just as there are people who call any form of socialism a 'commie', just as there are people who call anyone who tries to think logically about politics a 'cuck'. People stupidly misusing a term doesn't change its purpose. feminazis are hateful people who claim to be feminists to justify their actions, just as nazis were hateful people who claimed to be socialists to justify their actions.
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:33:05 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
explicitly anti-equality
This is a misunderstanding. You should read more into why these viewpoints exist and their justifications; googling a course on critical theory and perusing the syllabus will help you. I'm leaving it at that. Stop replying to me, please.
When one of the groups successfully campaigns to prevent the rape of a male by a female being made illegal, there is no misunderstanding. When their usual argument is 'you're a man, you have no right to an opinion on this', there is no misunderstanding. They have campaigned against every equality initiative that does not strictly harm men, even when it would benefit everyone, like preventing men who are not convicted of rape being splashed across newspapers as soon as they are accused.
DGlen ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 00:59:09 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Oh I know that chick we used to bang. By that I mean I metaphorically raped her by having a penis. You did too.
Or maybe you just sounded like an asshole, and she didn't want to talk to you.
[deleted] ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 18:33:53 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Actually, I think she over heard this guy named Frank going on about giving Anita Hill (IIRC... it was way back in the early 90's) a Dirty Sanchez and thought it was me doing the talking.
But the stupid cunt was wrong, not to mention has a name that rhymes with "Chlamydia."
So she had a totally understandable, albeit mistaken, reason to think you're an asshole, but she's the "stupid cunt" in this story? Maybe you really are an asshole after all!
[deleted] ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 13:27:12 on September 18, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
lmaao tfw your name is Lydia and chlamydia is literally the only word your name rhymes with
[deleted] ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 17:21:34 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Tree fiddya?
BabyTea ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 10:50:35 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Without missing a beat I simply reply, "Well, your name rhymes with Chlamydia."
Does anyone else hear Paul Rudd saying this awkwardly, or Seth Rogan? In some fun little comedy about getting back on your feet after a bad break-up? With weed involved? And a gay best friend?
I once behaved pretty disgustingly in a drunken state in front of some girl on the street while talking to a friend I ran into (the were in line for a bar next to each other). She saw me off with "You're an asshole" to which I replied "And you're dressed like a whore".
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:25:52 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Drunks that pass in the night.
[deleted] ยท 970 points ยท Posted at 18:30:08 on September 16, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Yea well the jerk store called and said they're running out of YOU!
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 07:59:23 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Didn't you kill a guy with a trident?
fperez25 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:09:26 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Someone said that to me when I got new glasses, I promptly responded with, "Why? Cuz they're the shit?"
Beccy477 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 09:17:26 on September 18, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Classic brick!
AlaWyrm ยท 126 points ยท Posted at 01:44:24 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I heard this second hand, but I feel it is worth sharing. A guy we'll call Mr. Big, who was known in his circle of friends to be very well endowed, was accosted by his girlfriend's ex boyfriend. The guy confronted him and after he was sure he had everyone's attention asked, "How do you like my sloppy seconds?" Mr Big calmly raised his hand for a high five and said, "thanks for the pilot hole bro!"
All I see next is a assault from a 5 feet tall girl to a 6 foot tall guy. A Black eye, busted lip and security rushing into the campus library later he was single and her getting escorted out
Ooh, I love this one! But probably because it's relatable. I have an ex I should have said this to. We're actually the same height as the couple in this story too...
I feel like in my experience the short girls I meet tend to be a little bit crazier but i'm also south asian where greater population of females tend to be shorter
I live in what appears to be a short area of the US. Most of the women are around 5'. They consider 5'4" to be tall for a woman around here. And I will agree, there's a lot of crazy.
Trust me, I don't want them. There are plenty of short, uppity... I'm going to stop talking before I start going into some really bad words. But there are plenty of those girls all over. I'm sure you'll find some if you look for them.
Edit: To clarify, I don't actually have anything against short people whatsoever. I've just had some really bad experiences lately. And by lately I mean over the past ten years.
NightGod ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 09:44:42 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Most of the women are around 5'.
Good sir, pray tell me where I could find this magical place.
marr ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 09:07:07 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Your takeaway from this is you should poke someone in their deepest psychological scars?
...facing consequences for violence towarads a man?
nah.
Kazan ยท 23 points ยท Posted at 06:01:34 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
except OP says she did
Rolendahl ยท 13 points ยท Posted at 08:10:25 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Community service for a little bit isn't shit.
Kazan ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 14:39:47 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
And yet it is not an uncommon sentence for minor assaults. A minor slap on the wrist for a minor slap on the face.
Rolendahl ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 16:11:25 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Idk if a black eye and busted lip count as a minor slap on the face. I mean apparently it does, but seems a bit illogical. Not even a fine? If a guy did that the fucker would be in jail for at least a year.
Kazan ยท -4 points ยท Posted at 16:37:32 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
If a guy did that the fucker would be in jail for at least a year.
Yeah totally, when a convicted rapist gets out in 3 months your hypothetical dude would totally have been in jail for a year... mmhmm..
you poor poor oppressed little fuccboi
Rolendahl ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 17:03:07 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
lol okay I'll edit my post to say "If a guy that is middle class or below did that he'd be in jail for at least a year." Would that make you happy? Class inequality and gender inequality are two completely different subjects, and I'm confused as to how you mixed them up.
Kazan ยท -1 points ยท Posted at 17:04:18 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Oh so you're going to claim that because class inequality was involved that you can hand wave it away to avoid admitting that your persecution complex is bullshit?
sounds about what i expect
Rolendahl ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 17:16:06 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)*
I really don't understand how you came to that conclusion. My original comment was about how women are treated differently then men when it comes to assault charges, which they are. It's a fact. (Also known as gender inequality which is apparent in many other aspects of life)
Then you tried to derail the conversation to talk about how a Stanford boy got only 3 months for a convicted rape. (Also known as class inequality)
I don't understand how you think I'm "waving it away". I mean do you want have a debate about it or what? Because my opinion on rapists is they should be raped themselves.
And persecution complex? Where at all in my comments did I imply I was being persecuted?
If he doesn't defend himself or even restrain her, even if she uses a weapon, and there are many witnesses, then he does have a decent chance of being ok.
But he if acts at all human then he'd be the one arrested.
That's not only brutal, that's pretty mean. I mean the girl might have been emotionally unstable about that, and the guy might have opened wounds. That's not cool.
DMBumper ยท 30 points ยท Posted at 01:17:09 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Savage doesn't mean cool in any sense of the word.
Of course it doesn't. But as I replied to other comments, I think that the guy just went too far. There's a limit you don't cross, especially when talking about dead people who someone used to love or care about. In this case, I'm not saying I agree with the reaction, but I understand it and I can't guarantee I wouldn't have had the same.
I have a friend whose father died when he was 11. He struggled with it a lot because he never felt masculine enough to gain his approval. Now he's a big dude. 6'5, 280. My ex girlfriend is 5'3, 110. At a time that I wasn't in contact with either of them, they were friends. She would get shitty drunk and "play" fight him which she enjoyed because she could go all out without hurting him.
One night, they're both hammered. He goes out to a car to sleep it off in the backseat when she decides it's time to "play". She's slapping him, shaking him trying to get him to wake up while he's telling her to fuck off. Then she decided the thing to say was "it's a good thing your dad's not around to see what a pathetic piece of shit you are," and he beat the shit out of her.
No wtf reddit. This is a single action during the heat of the moment, grow the fuck up. This is not equatable, to taking all the feelings and fun away from her, removing the people she would have met, the love she would have found. For one mistake, it's just crazy people could think that's justic.
marr ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 08:59:54 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
It was a female striking a superior gender. You expect context and proportional reactions from the 4chan kids?
marr ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 08:54:26 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Okay, imagine that with the genders reversed and see how you feel about it.
Again, not saying I agree with her reaction, but someone talks shit about someone I loved/love/cared/care for, I kick his ass. Male or female or attack helicopter, I don't care. There's a limit not to cross.
It is savage, but I think it's too much. You don't talk shit about people and I understand why she would kick his ass for that. I probably would have done the same, even though right now, trying to be objective, I don't agree with her reaction.
[deleted] ยท 15 points ยท Posted at 01:29:59 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)*
That's obvious. Her reaction doesn't make his statement any less shitty than it would be perceived if she hadn't attacked him, and that's what people seem to be missing.
Quachyyy ยท 11 points ยท Posted at 04:44:35 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I mean this thread is about savage comebacks, not "oh lol" comebacks. I didn't know there was a "you're a meanie that was too mean" limit. Talk shit get hit.
No need to play tough, dude. This is about basic respect around people who lost other people.
Zerichon ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 06:03:08 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Have fun in prison then.
Quachyyy ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 06:07:24 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Wait, am I going to prison for being a meanie or am I going to have fun being a meanie in prison? Assuming I somehow end up there.
Fosheasy ยท 32 points ยท Posted at 00:38:29 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Soo are you saying her assaulting the man was ok?
redarxx ยท 27 points ยท Posted at 02:09:11 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Okay I think at this point Reddit is just trying to pull a gender reversal argument for the sake of berating the chick for fighting him, if another guy said that to me (I'm a guy) about my ex girlfriend I don't care how immature or "unintelligent" you think it is I'll kick his ass
Both reactions were uncalled for, not regarding genders. The guy shouldn't have crossed that line (because yes, in my opinion (if there's someone out there who gives a shit about my opinion), there are limits you don't cross, even when burning someone, but I guess that's my education), and the girl certainly shouldn't have gone physical about that. But I understand the reaction, even though I do not agree with it.
Fosheasy ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 22:31:44 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
The problem with it is that the reaction that even you give is that you understand her reaction. If genders were swapped and the man beat the shit out of the girl. Not ome person would say his reaction is understandable.
Can't agree with you. True, most people would think that beating a girl is taboo (and I believe that's a completely different topic), but you talk shit about my dead grandpa, don't expect me to sit there and say nothing. Girl or boy, I would have reacted. Maybe not by assaulting, maybe I would have warned once before, but there would have been a response regardless of the gender.
Fosheasy ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 22:48:12 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Eh. I think we both have gotten too far off topic and are not understanding each other well enough to have a fruitful discussion on this.
Agreed. But still, in my opinion, there are some lines you don't cross. What's the point in hitting the girl back, if she was being abusive, if you end up as, or more, abusive than she was?
marr ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 08:56:15 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)*
Good on her. That was some self inflicted injury.
Yes, the punch was escalation, but words-can-never-hurt-me is bullshit, she had a grief scar, he knew about it and ripped it open. That's inflicting more pain than a split lip. It's worse than throwing a punch because it's not a thing you can do in blind rage, it takes intelligence and considered intent.
Hagrizzle ยท 860 points ยท Posted at 21:00:22 on September 16, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
My girlfriend's friend just recently got divorced. A few days after the divorce was final her ex-husband contacted her to finalize some things like cellphone contracts and such - well the new boyfriend (the guy she cheated on her husband with) texted on her phone saying to never contact her again or he will come to the ex's work and "settle the matter"
Ex-husband didn't skip a beat and said "I don't want to fight you. I know her family doesn't like you but don't worry, her dad called me and I put in a good word for you".
I about shat a brick when I heard the story. The ex husband is normally quiet and reserved and that savage of a response is totally out of character. Good for him though.
SergDerpz ยท 237 points ยท Posted at 23:04:02 on September 16, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Is it bad that I don't understand the "her dad called me and I put in a good word for you" :( Can someone explain it to me?
It's implying that this man was close enough to his in-laws that they would have called him out of concern/outrage/support for him that their daughter had cheated on him and was divorcing him to be with her lover. The jab is that while the woman's lover was trying to be dominant and pick a fight over the woman (despite it not even remotely being called for) the ex husband replies with what is essentially "no, because everyone else already hates you and I already had to make her father be OK with you." Implying everyone else sides with the ex-husband
RithyH ยท 39 points ยท Posted at 02:43:51 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
And also that he doesn't have time for this shit because in the end he is better off.
But also that he still has a good relationship with his ex's family, and will always have more respect that the other dude
NatWilo ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 06:58:53 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
It's super emasculating. He just tried to alpha-male him and throw in the ex's face, yet again that he stole his woman. Dude not only didn't react, but told him that every gain he makes with the woman's family will be because the ex made it possible.
no u fucking idiot. he did skip a beat. they were texting. fucking are these people too stupid? all of you using the same damn template for an "OH SHIT" story....
CosmicRuin ยท 2102 points ยท Posted at 17:49:06 on September 16, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
One of my favorites from history by Winston Churchill, who was accused by one of the female MP's of being 'disgustingly drunk.' Churchill responded: "My dear, you are ugly, and whatโs more, you are disgustingly ugly. But tomorrow I shall be sober and you will still be disgustingly ugly."
dUc0N ยท 174 points ยท Posted at 01:04:28 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Churchill had great ones.
A Member of Parliament: Mr. Churchill, must you fall asleep while I'm speaking?
Churchill: No, it's purely voluntary.
[deleted] ยท 1864 points ยท Posted at 18:36:19 on September 16, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Churchill was king of destructive commentary.
A fav of mine is when Lady Astor told Churchill if he were her husband she would put poison in his tea, to which he replied, "if you were my wife, I'd drink it."
ninbushido ยท 1020 points ยท Posted at 23:33:07 on September 16, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
"The best argument against democracy is a 5-minute conversation with the average voter."
[deleted] ยท 55 points ยท Posted at 03:49:30 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Which depending on who you ask, can be interpreted as 'It's shit, but we have nothing better yet' or as a 'got anything better?' to those that complain about it.
fks_gvn ยท 8 points ยท Posted at 05:40:23 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Along the same lines"Think of how stupid the average person is, then realize half of them are stupider than that."
We don't have to worship St. Bernie, but we can start by doing things like not saying "we've had enough experts with their facts and figures," not voting just to spite some politician we don't like, and nominating someone other than, to quote a popular meme, Orange Hitler and Grandma Nixon for such an important job.
I wouldn't call the US presidential election democracy. Considering the electoral college and the fact that Hillary has paid the participants ahead of time for a victory, I don't know what I would call it. Maybe oligarchy? Maybe corporate dictatorship by the Clinton foundation? Idk. Not democracy though.
Dason37 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:28:26 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I hate myself and the world I live in, because while that link was opening I was trying to figure out who the fuck this chick was that was the latest independent candidate.
megagreg ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 21:31:58 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Of course not, but that's entirely missing the point. Tomorrow he could be sober if so wished, but her most fervent wishing will not render her less ugly.
SolidDick ยท 12 points ยท Posted at 02:09:35 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Relevant username.
Seanbikes ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 01:00:59 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
For the 30 seconds it would take to get out of bed and pour a drink, yes.
Luhood ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 11:54:37 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
My high school history teacher told a story when
Churchill was talking to some other politician who was a woman. I forget the set-up, but Churchill's response was something along the lines of, "We both know what you are. All that's left is to haggle over the price."
Nah, I'd shag him. He was strangely charming. And I bet he was even more charming when younger, but what sticks in our memory is the old fat cigar smoker Churchill
The man did have an amazing turn of phrase, though. I have never heard my people described better than in his writing on the Boer War.
'What men they were, these Boers! I thought of them as I had seen them in the morning riding forward through the rainโthousands of independent riflemen, thinking for themselves, possessed of beautiful weapons, led with skill, living as they rode without commissariat or transport or ammunition column, moving like the wind, and supported by iron constitutions and a stern, hard Old Testament God who should surely smite the Amalekites hip and thigh.'
I mean, that is some beautiful writing right there.
W. Churchill โ when the lady, no personโs doormat, informed him with prim asperity that he appeared to be woefully inebriated โ made the anecdotally famous reply that while, yes, yea verily, he was indeed inebriated, he would the following A.M. be once again sober, while she, dear lady, would tomorrow still be hideously and improbably deformed. Churchill, doubtless under weighty emotional pressures during this period in history, had then proceeded to extinguish his cigar in the ladyโs sherry and to place a finger-bowl napkin delicately over the ruined features of her flaming visage.
plumbtree ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:59:33 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
That's not how it went...the woman admonished him for being drunk, and he responded with, "my dear, you are ugly, and tomorrow, I will be sober."
x3Fast5u ยท 186 points ยท Posted at 02:03:29 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
There was this kid (let's call him Cam) who's brother had lost his battle with depression and took his own life. Cam has always been a douchebag, and he became 10x douchier than before his brother died, anyways, he was making fun of this rather chubby kid (let's call him Larry), Larry was well liked and barely spoke, like, if he spoke, everyone would listen. He happened to be wearing rather tight jeans one day.
Cam asked "hey Larry, how long did it take you to get into those jeans? Lose your flubber, it's not hibernation time yet"
With a straight face, and with just a few words, Larry destroyed Cam "dunno, how long did it take your brother to get into the noose? "
[deleted] ยท 48 points ยท Posted at 05:06:58 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
People with things that are obvious targets (like a suicide in the family, an eating disorder, etc.) shouldn't be dicks.
[deleted] ยท 55 points ยท Posted at 06:16:20 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
[deleted]
[deleted] ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 13:59:30 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Idk man, I've been anorexic/bulimic for 5 years now and you learn to laugh about mental disorders. I find the best put downs involve shock-content OF YOURSELF either way, like the infamous cases where adopted kids use their adoption to make clever comebacks.
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 13:58:07 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Well yeah but I wouldn't expect someone whose being a dick to someone to be okay with self-deprecating humor or learning to laugh at themselves.
Bipolar here. A couple of times I have found myself in bars with friends or business acquaintances. I absolutely do not drink and when people see this they try and push it on me. I tell it like it is. "I'm bipolar. Alcohol and psych meds really don't mix. You do not have the skills needed to deal with <stare straight through them> a werewolf." lolol.
Sorry, but that's funny. If the guy was being a douche for no reason he was asking for it. The comment itself may not be funny, but the scenario and the fact that Larry made the comment is funny.
Not feel good, ha ha, funny. But holy shit, what the fuck, he actually went there, funny.
That's just my opinion. I can see where you're coming from though.
forbucci ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:25:43 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Sooo... Was the teacher like a bitch or something?
Because it seems pretty shitty for Steve to just expose that kinda sensitive information to everyone present for just a cheap joke and especially if he had actually been a real ass and had to be removed for legitimate reasons.
Elite_AI ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 14:38:22 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I know the definition of savage, I'm aware that that account certainly qualifies regardless of context, I was just initially wondering (and hoping) that this was one of those "okay" examples.
And now that the opposite seems to be true, well... I mean, it's still savage enough to melt one's face off and that makes it somewhat entertaining but it's also rather disgusting. If that makes any sense.
๐๏ธ Koean ยท 275 points ยท Posted at 18:47:21 on September 16, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Classic Steve. I wonder if she consoled in him again with the punishment?
[deleted] ยท 18 points ยท Posted at 03:14:08 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
We had a married teacher have a very public affair with another married teacher (whose wife was a third teacher).
In the hall across from me reaming out a super bitchy student.
Teach: "your behavior is incredibly inappropriate."
Student: " did (the wife) teach you this saying or your therapist?"
Student just turned and walked herself to the office for her punishment, teacher switched to middle school the next year.
I almost fell over in my empty classroom and then had to pull it back together to console the teacher and assist in relaying the story to admin. The burn was so amazing I wanted to give the girl a bye.
Dima_G ยท 25 points ยท Posted at 23:54:41 on September 16, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I think this is from Summer Heights High...a HILARIOUS Australian television show.
You'll never get s boyfriend if you don't smile for once miss
You on your period or what miss
She walks through the playground and doesn't even smile she takes everything too seriously (paraphrased last one)
Ninja edit; this is something Jonah would say so I can see why you thought that. And yes it's hilarious. Highly recommend it you'll be quoting it for months
I work with kids and once a week at least I say coffee coffee before we teachy teachy
And I can't pick up a dog without saying they have a very large Brain and how you're meant to hold them
wombat1 ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 01:14:10 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I have a hazy memory of writing that comment drunk and stoned and laughing my ass off. Looking back now I think maybe it was a reference to a story from another thread that day about someone who got fucked up and forgot they were supposed to help paint their grandma's house and it ended badly. Somebody upvoted it...
AvsJoe ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 08:09:41 on January 23, 2017 ยท (Permalink)
The fact that you still have a hazy memory of writing that comment suggests that you have a better memory than I. Thank you for the quick response.
"I will hurt you for this. A day will come when you think you are safe and happy, and your joy will turn to ashes in your mouth. And you will know the debt is paid."
I think you might be thinking of the coworker saying the following to the mom who's child just died. On the day after she makes some mistake and the coworker says: "At least we got your genes out of the pool."
I still can't fathom how one can be such an asshole.
My parents have friends called Jim and Elspeth. I was over at their house with my parents and my brother for dinner and we were all drinking bottled beer. My brother was peeling the paper sticker off the beer and Elspeth said to him "You know, I've heard that peeling labels off of bottles like that can be a sign of sexual frustration".
It was kind of an unexpected comment, we were in our 20s but she'd never said anything like that to either of us before.
My brother came back with "Well I definitely saw Jim doing that earlier this evening"!
Big Mouth: Similar to loudmouth, blowhard, someone who can't keep their mouth shut, someone who is too loud, someone who talks when they shouldn't, someone who speaks without thinking, those kinds of thing. It has nothing to do with weight.
[deleted] ยท -1 points ยท Posted at 04:02:47 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
A funny synonym to loudmouth, braggart, and blowhard is braggadocio.
This alright but pretty fat kid kept harassing and cracking jokes at the teacher. He finally said some lame variant of an "xyz called..." joke.
The teacher looked straight at him and without the slightest delay goes "Hey Ben, Tent City called, they're ready to fit you for your prom tux".
room explodes
Emileahh ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 09:32:08 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Tent city is a jail where I live. I was so confused for a second.
Yeah. The right way to phrase it would be "someone should make a thread about it" rather than "someone should make a subreddit about it". I interpreted his and your comments to be about new subreddits. Oh well
Haha. Ok random person. You seem to have the orders reversed, as he said ok hours after his original reply. Not that it matters, but when you offer an explanation for someone else it's generally helpful to have some idea what you're talking about.
Now you just look like a brown-nosing fool. Thanks for the chuckle.
No, really. I don't get the random-dude-tried-to-answer-a-question-directed-towards-someone-else-but-fails-miserably routine very often. Don't think your attempt at contributing but looking like an idiot in the process has gone unnoticed. :D
Funnier than the whole series put together? No way. They routinely made jokes better than that one.
[deleted] ยท 7 points ยท Posted at 03:57:44 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
In trying not to laugh loudly I made this weird as prhhnnmmnnnn noise. You know how in old movies when bullets ricocheted? Slow it down and raise the pitch.
Seraphus ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 04:42:16 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I love seeing this blooper every single time.
Haven't even seen the show but this shit is hilarious.
Alexalpha ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 06:05:54 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
You should watch the show, it's fantastic and all 7 seasons are on Netflix. Also I would think about starting at season 2, the first season isn't that good and might turn you off of the series.
There's one character in the first season who's just a big dull dud and absolutely brings the show down. It started improving as soon as he webt away forever.
Seraphus ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 06:47:43 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Well that explains it then, I watched a few episodes from the first season and wasn't that impressed.
I was given the same advice. Started at season 2. I think it's brilliant and might even like it more than the office. I know that's a bold claim but I border on obsession with the writing and characters.
Seraphus ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 07:06:58 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Sounds good, I'll look into it and see how I feel about the show. Thanks for the advice.
One thing though, I waded through the 1st season and then the rest of the series. On a rewatch for some reason I appreciated the 1st season a lot more. Just Some food for thought.
Seraphus ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 09:41:51 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Yea I'm still gonna watch the 1st season, I never skip stuff.
[deleted] ยท 91 points ยท Posted at 04:09:36 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Some asshole in the school parking lot was giving my friend shit when he got into his brand new car. The asshole kid said "have fun riding around in your daddy's new car." My friend came right back with "yeah...it's nice having a dad."
I'm an older guy, but I don't look as old as I really am. I was at a pizza place picking up food, wearing a grey t-shirt with a black Bat-symbol on it. I hear people come in behind me, so I turn and give a casual glance. Some ginger dude with a stupid looking beard is there with a woman who would have been attractive, except for the bright blue lipstick she was wearing. I turned back to the front, and heard a snort behind me. I turned back around and glanced at them again, and she says to me "aren't you a little old for a comic book t-shirt?"
I looked at her, smiled, and said, "I'm supposed to take fashion advice from someone who looks like they suck Smurf cock for a living?"
Ginger started to open his mouth, but since I'm bigger than him, he shut it pretty quickly. I got my food and walked out to the sound of him getting railed for not coming to her defense...
Kighla ยท 30 points ยท Posted at 02:17:56 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
While in college I was in my ceramics class. I always had a hard time focusing and wanted to go home early (it was a class that went until 7pm).. I was almost never prepared for anything also. And for background, I had a long distance boyfriend at the time.
So, one evening, I whine about how I just wanted to leave, and my professor turned and said "Why, Kighla? Your boyfriend lives in Florida, you don't have any friends to hang out with, you never sleep and you clearly never do any homework, what's the rush?"
FusJoeDah ยท 28 points ยท Posted at 02:36:00 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Also a RCH is much smaller than your standard CH. Ask any machinist. Can confirm Madlad is making no sense. OP also suspect. Get the internet over here.
I once had a friend in a wheel chair chasing me around hitting my ankles teasing me how her electric wheelchair was faster than me running (in flip flops and a busted knee).
So I went to a flight of stairs, stepped on the first stair, and just stared at her.
While out at a bar in Davis, California, I was approached by a young woman. She and I started talking, I bought her a drink, and the conversation seemed to be going well... until a guy whose appearance (and voice) made him seem like a caricature of a racist farmhand walked up, sat down at the table, and interjected himself.
CUT IN:
EXT. A BAR PATIO - NIGHT
Exterior lights illuminate a table near the corner of a bar's patio. It is occupied by a tall, slender male, an average-height, slender female, and a lanky young man in a white undershirt and jeans. These are MAX, the GIRL, and the REDNECK, respectively.
REDNECK: Hi. GIRL: (Amused) Um. Hello. REDNECK: You like horses? GIRL: They're okay.
The GIRL turns to MAX with an expression of slight disbelief.
GIRL: (Continued) How about you? Do you like horses? MAX: Not even a little bit. GIRL: Hah, I guess they're not too common in the city. REDNECK: (Interjecting) What city? MAX: I'm from San Francisco. REDNECK: (Snarling) I hate San Francisco! Too many gay fuckers!
MAX does not respond.
REDNECK: (CONT'D) You're a gay fucker, aren't you? MAX: Why? Are you interested? REDNECK: (To the girl) Why are you talking to this gay fucker? GIRL: He's more interesting than the other people here.
The REDNECK clearly misses the jab.
REDNECK: I have some horses. How about I take you for a ride sometime? GIRL: That might be difficult. REDNECK: Why? GIRL: How are you going to ride a horse when your head is shoved so far up your ass?
The REDNECK sputters and grows red in the face. After a moment of this, he angrily turns back to MAX.
REDNECK: Yeah, well, how about I shove my head in this gay fucker's ass?! MAX: See, I knew you were interested!
The guy eventually decided to leave, but not before trying to goad me into a fight and making another pass at the young woman in my company. I couldn't help but laugh at the whole situation, because unbeknownst to the redneck, the girl was actually a lesbian.
I mean... it figures, right?
TL;DR: "How about I shove my head in this gay fucker's ass?!"
[deleted] ยท 673 points ยท Posted at 20:36:44 on September 16, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
[deleted]
setfire3 ยท 116 points ยท Posted at 21:55:35 on September 16, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
this is the most interesting read possible about someone browsing reddit.
More to the point, though: When I tell a story in the first person, it's true. The above tale was technically offered as a screenplay, I'll grant you, but it also depicted real-life events. It's not that my life is more interesting than other folks', though, so much as it is that I look at everything from the perspective of the story it will be later.
Many moons ago a card game called Texas Hold 'Em was unreasonably popular. It turns out that it's just a way to trade money between friends and drink. I could have done that without spending a bunch of money on chips to play with.
Anyway, what the game was good for was engaging people you didn't really know that well in an activity that everyone knew. I cemented a relationship that got me a pretty good job right out of college by inviting the guy to a poker night. And my roommate would bring various coworkers to most nights at our apartment. One night came J, an Asian little person. She wasn't any damn good at poker but she was fun.
After the game and many beverages we were all hanging out, pretty hammered. J and my roommate were talking about stuff and for whatever reason weight came up and J mentioned that she was surprisingly heavy for her size, I think it had something to do with proportionally large bones for her height. I said that was ridiculous and I could bench press her. She laughed. I said, "Wait, can I actually bench press you? That would be amazing." She agreed because, like I said, she was fun.
It took a little bit to figure out how without groping her inappropriately but I did. Many laughs were had by all.
Everything seemed a bit rushed after you gave setting, try expanding more on smal details to engage the reader better and make them feel as if they are in the room.
Irish97 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 00:57:04 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
And your book is awesome and I'm gonna keep telling you that when I see you on Reddit and remember to do so.
Mr-Blah ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 05:00:18 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I look at everything from the perspective of the story it will be later.
How the hell do you not have your own Netflix original yet?
[deleted] ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 07:37:24 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Reminds me of leslie knoppes boyfriend in season 2 of Parks and recs.
marr ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 08:03:03 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
That right there. That's the difference between a regular schlub and a writer.
ChumChumz ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 15:55:17 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
on your behalf, my life seems very boring and plain compared to most, yet whenever i tell my stories people are flabbergasted at how one person manages to come across so many situations and interesting scenarios lol
That's more a category of theatre rather than a separate thing. They still fit all the criteria. They all started out as stage plays with music, they've just achieved enough success to be adapted into other forms of media (like how Phantom of the Opera was made into a film.)
[deleted] ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 05:12:11 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
It sounds like thathappened, but living in the Bible belt I've watched enough angry rednecks misspeak and defeat themselves in verbal combat. Pretty glorious tbh.
DoomBot5 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 05:16:50 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I love your stories. I'm kinda sad I haven't run into any of them for a couple months until now.
This is one of those delightful times when 'Exit, pursued by a bear' would drastically improve an already entertaining tale
IamAbc ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 08:10:10 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Was this the grad? Literally s group of rednecks came up to us while we were there one day and tried to fight us for 'faking being in the military'. We were all actually in the Air Force.
[deleted] ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 08:13:20 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I love how your from SF (born and raised there) and have a username related to pigeons.
rplusj1 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 04:36:32 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Donno which country is this from. But at mine the moment he said You're a gay fucker. I would have punched and kicked him till he apologized in loud voice.
Buddy didn't realize an acquaintance had very recently lossed his mother.
"Fucked your mom last night."
"My mom's dead."
"Yeah, I know. I bought a shovel."
Fuckin' brutal, Jeff...
Pinstar ยท 51 points ยท Posted at 04:18:52 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
"I'm sorry to hear you say that."
"Why?"
"You have a really annoying voice."
GarySe7en ยท 52 points ยท Posted at 05:11:04 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
My girlfriend broke up with me and told me not to ever call her again. I was blindsided because we had not even had an argument the entire we were dating. About a week later my phone rings from an unknown number and she is on the other line.
" I broke up with you over a week ago and you didn't send me flowers or buy me jewelry or do anything to get me back" she said. WTF!!!!
" I expect you to shower me with gifts when I breakup with you. You evidently don't know how to deal with women" she said coyly.
Without hesitation I said " Oh I know how to deal with women, I just don't know how to deal with little girls."
Me and my best friend in HS were fairly shy introverts, and he had a crush on this girl for years. She had the shitty attitude of a 10/10, the body of a 7/10, and the face of a 4/10. Even still, it would take him weeks of encouragement just to work up the nerve to talk to her, but she always acted like he was a nobody.
Right out of high school, he was attractive all of a sudden. Multiple times when I was out with him, random girls would come give HIM their number. This did wonders for his self esteem. Then one day we see his crush at the mall, and she smiles at him. He goes over and chats with her for a while, and she's flirting like crazy with him. Very early on, he realizes she has no idea who he is.
He finally asks her the question he wanted to ask throughout all of high school, "Do you have a boyfriend?" She replies, "No." He smiled and said, "Want to know why?"
Harry is savage as fuck. It's gotta be the power the Dark Lord knows not from the prophecy. My favorite is still when Uncle Vernon catches him hiding under the window to listen to the news.
YOU SHUT YOUR GODDAM MOUTH ABOUT MY FUCKING FOOD YOU FILTHY SLUT!
-rustling of bag of chips is heard-
Sepof ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 06:43:44 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Well I mean.. I just don't like to cook and the food near me is amazingly unspectacular.
There are a few solid places, but a lot of cuisines are totally missing and the rest are just very mediocre bar & grill places.
I haven't gone to a KBBQ place in like a year. No good Vietnamese or Thai food in about as long.
I miss the options of bigger cities. There isn't shit here, so food is always just kind of a "meh... what shit will I stomach today" situation.
The real reason... I've kind of developed a bit of an alcohol problem so now my appetite is all fucked up. Sometimes I wake up starving, but can barely stomach food when I get it. Other times I'll feel like shit all day until the evening when I get home and start drinking. By then I often kinda drink til I just eat some random junk and feel even worse.
2 years in almost a month. Woohoo. We also have a daughter so I get constant reminders every week when I pick her up and drop her off too.
I'm afraid that I'll be paralyzed and not able to move on. But I'm some sense, I already have. I feel relieved and I feel like I can breathe again just by living for myself again.
Trying to think of some of mine, but this is from my older sister.
In middle school she got picked on a lot, and there was this dumb bitchy girl in her science class. One day Helen asks a question (I think she wasn't quite understanding the material), and this girl decides to be her bitchy self.
"God, you're so stupid."
"Oh, I'm stupid?!"
She gets out of her seat and walks over to the "globe" of Mars in the class and points to a section on it, and in her best imitation of the girl(valley-girl accent and all), quotes her from a few weeks ago:
I agree with you.... but even if I came up with that one I personally would have saved it.
[deleted] ยท 23 points ยท Posted at 05:31:55 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
On one hand, yeah, nothing should be off limits as a rule.
On the other, comedy for a lot of stuff is basically "Tragedy + time = comedy." (As noted by South Park, but they weren't wrong.)
It'd probably be better to say "joking about recently deceased partners probably is almost certainly crossing a line that outweighs its comedic value."
A huge rule about jokes is timing is important: A dead baby joke among single men is funny. To a lady who just lost her infant due to SIDS or a car accident is cruel and isn't funny.
[deleted] ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 06:47:53 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
[deleted]
[deleted] ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 07:14:33 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Oh, I know. I'm just pointing out South Park talked about it too.
Vitto9 ยท 21 points ยท Posted at 03:53:29 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Everything is funny or nothing is.
I love comedy. I listen to it almost as much as I listen to music. I have been offended by a few jokes, but I've never been angry over them. I know that there have been jokes I've laughed at that have crossed the line for other people. Oh well. Listen to enough comedy and you're going to get offended. All or nothing.
marr ยท 9 points ยท Posted at 08:42:00 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Here's the question: Is the butt of the joke a strong target, or a vulnerable one? Roasting someone who's trying to deal with real life right now and doesn't need your bullshit is just bullying.
Peep his twitter, he's man enough to insult people, he's man enough to be insulted.
Vitto9 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 12:32:16 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
He's a professional comedian who spends his days making jokes. Some of those jokes are at the expense of other people. If you can dish it out but you can't take it, you're the bully.
When you mean everything is funny, do you mean bad jokes too? I think that guy on Twitter made a terrible joke. I don't think it was funny. You'll find a lot of jokes are terrible and unfunny.
Vitto9 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:20:25 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I mean that it's not up to us to say what you can and can't joke about. If we say "You can't make that joke because it offends me" then we open the door for other people to do the same, and these days people take offense to pretty much everything. Sometimes jokes will be bad. Sometimes they'll be in poor taste. Sometimes they're just written badly. But censoring comedy because it offends you is still censorship, and goes against one of the key freedoms afforded to most western nations.
Want to sit out the national anthem? Go right ahead. Want to tell a joke about a man's recently deceased wife? Have at it. Want to draw a picture of Mohammed getting butt-plowed by a goat? That's your right.
I don't have to agree with you to defend your right to free speech. Freedom of speech isn't supposed to protect the speech that we agree with.
I really liked your first paragraph, that helped me work it out in my head. It's just a joke after all, no point to care about it. I guess it elicited the proper reaction, and it wasn't even told to me! This sounds weird and I think is very flawed logic, but its not that I don't want any jokes to be off limits, I just hope that no one found that guys joke funny. Does that make any sense? Its hypocritical, I've laughed at so many terrible jokes but that is just how the brain is wired eh? You seem to have a good way of thinking, thank you for the first reply.
Patton throws a lot of shade at other people on Twitter. He's a very very active tweeter. He says a lot of things publicly, and make his living as a celebrity.
So the idea that he was making a public remark and then somebody shut him downโalbeit in a completely non sequitur fashion, with a total redirect on topicโit could be considered a comeback.
I think we can all agree... It was SAVAGE as fuck.
Now, I'm now defending the guy. He's clearly a dick. That joke would have been cruel at a celebrity roast, let alone unprompted, out of nowhere on Twitter.
Eh... Maybe you're right. When I read it again it's just more of a sucker punch.
Maybe you shouldn't take things personally for other people. Patton Oswald take about his wife on his stand-up on a regular basis. He had a thriving career making hundreds of thousands a year. You think he's gonna let his feelings get hurt by one dickhead on twitter?
[deleted] ยท 12 points ยท Posted at 21:06:47 on September 16, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
He probably thinks about this possibility every single day. So it doesn't take much to offend when it is confirming your darkest fears.
Are you a fucking idiot? The guy makes hundreds of thousands of dollars so he probably wouldn't care about some dipshit making fun of his dead wife? He talks about her during his stand up? Does he laugh about her dying?
Wow, you realize celebs take harassment from people constantly right? I'm not saying it won't make him slightly upset but it isn't going to make him pissed.
If he talks about his wife during stand up, he's either makeing a joke about her, or doesn't give enough of a shit about her to not try and exploit her memory and his own sadness for money.
So because he made a joke about her we can do it to and to any degree we feel like right at him?
He's also been vocal about his depression and joked about it on stage. I'm gonna tell him to go kill himself hahaha... because he joked about this disease he had which robs you of all joy and happiness.
Mybe he would be happier if he wasn't a massive fucking shill. Some of us can't just yell "woe is me" on a stage and make hundreds of thousands, or even millions of dollars. I've had loved ones wo've died, I've dealed with it, and I didn't disrespect their memory by joking about them on stage for money. I've been depressed, mostly for economic reasons, but I never made $1mil by telling the world how sad I am. I'm not saying we shouldn't be empathetic for his pain, but we also shouldn't be encouragin him to use people's empathy for personal gain.
Ah the old he has money, he doesn't deserve compassion...
Maybe he is popular amongst his fans because he is honest with them and very personal. Maybe he deals with tradgedies by making jokes about it... you know humor which is a common coping mechanism.
If he was a poor man on stage during open mic doing this you would never say this but since he's successful in his career and does this that makes him a shill. You're pathetic.
If a poor man went up on the mic trying to use his grief to make money, I'd treat him the same way.
Most comedians are depressed, maybe if he cared more about his mental health than money, he would stop doing stand up, or at least take a break to heal. It's like me complaining how depressed I am because of work even when I have 4 weeks of vacation I could be using to heal.
It's not like he can't make jokes off stage. He has family, and presumably friends he can joke with too.
If you wanna split hairs and be pedantic, it's not a comeback in the strictest sense, but it's a comeback.
Patton came with with his question; It was a charged one being political and with everything going on. Dude came back with this burn. Was Patton talking directly to him? No. But he put it out there on twitter for all and some took it as a challenge.
So yeah, it's a comeback. You're not gonna change my mind. I'm not gonna change yours. We see these things differently on a fundamental level and depending on who you talk to one of us is wrong... but one is also right. You can be classroom correct and I'll be school yard correct.
Right, but the most savage comeback. It's not a comeback if the person it's directed at didn't attack anyone in the first place. This guy's just being an asshole.
switchn ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 06:28:41 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
It's a thread about most savage comebacks, not necessarily most deserved ones.
letoast ยท 7 points ยท Posted at 06:13:10 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
But it's not even a comeback really, Patton didn't insult anyone, in fact he was doing completely the opposite. The dude who replied was just being an asshole.
Considering the vitriol I've seen Patton spew in recent years....that's fucking savage.
I mean, if you're going to kick someone...you don't kick them to put them down, you kick them until they can't get up.
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 06:35:19 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
That crushed me, Patton was my favorite comedian, I really really liked, him, then I found out he's a douche who supports a torturer because she's a woman, and shat on AVGN because he dared to make a video refusing to review ghostbusters. I've lost all respect for him.
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 06:44:53 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
That's not a comeback though. It's just being a dick.
h4xrk1m ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 06:47:36 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 08:41:56 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
You can tell this one is so stone cold savage that it divides people into tiers of who finds this brutal (but acceptable) or repulsive (and unacceptable).
That's how you know this is the most savage one ITT.
But he seems like the nicest guy ever in all the stuff I've seen of him.
[deleted] ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 23:02:44 on September 16, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I'm sure he is. I just don't like when comedians (or celebrities in general) get all political. That's not to say I don't like political humor though. When I read his Twitter feed I just think "why are people so invested in what this guy has to say?" It's like the classic Dave Chappelle bit about Ja Rule.
Outside of politics, Patton is one of my favorite long form joke tellers. He's very good at telling stories.
So comedians/celebrities don't have the right to have and express political views?
[deleted] ยท -6 points ยท Posted at 02:29:26 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
No, I should be more specific. My problem more so lies with the people that follow famous people and latch on to what they say politically. Especially someone like Patton who tells jokes on stage. What are his credentials for being a beacon on social media when it comes to Hillary or Trump? Including them in a punchline is one thing but I feel it's not his place to be 100% serious about them in a public forum. I believe a comedian's best outlet for their opinions is on stage in a humorous manner.
It has little to do with his views too. I agree with a lot of what he says even though I'm not as liberal. Like what Mos Def did later in his career (not sure if you're familiar with him or not). He's one of my favorite rappers and I say that honestly. Quiet Dog is my shit. I don't like the Bill Maher panelist version of him though, but I wouldn't hesitate to listen to a politically fueled album of his. (I can come up with more analogies, I'm super good at them)
TL;DR: When someone who creates things for a living begins to deviate from what they are loved and known for and expects the public to give them the same respect/attention, that's when I'm bothered.
Yeah fuck those people for having an opinion and not merely obeying your mental image of them! They just need to shut the fuck up and crank out more of what you personally like, and if they state their opinions it better be the way you want them to goddamn it! Stupid creatives, thinking they're real people...
This is just a shitty and immature attempt at being "edgy". Have some fucking respect
TheJosh90 ยท -1 points ยท Posted at 04:31:18 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
im glad i had to come this far down the post to find the piece of shit bringing this back up. jesus fucking christ, people like you and the scum who wrote this need to fuck off
jchabotte ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 09:29:42 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I didn't say I agreed with it, I just pointed it out. That guy is an asshole for bringing a dead wife into it.
Esosorum ยท 242 points ยท Posted at 19:53:08 on September 16, 2016 ยท (Permalink)*
I saw a post on Reddit awhile back where a guy sent his ex girlfriend a picture of him and some new girl to make his ex feel bad. His ex responded with a picture of her hand wearing an engagement ring. He got all butthurt but man oh man, she is one person I would never mess with.
[deleted] ยท 92 points ยท Posted at 22:20:19 on September 16, 2016 ยท (Permalink)*
It's likely that the guy was trying to say, "I'm over you, I've moved on, I've got my shit together, what do you have?" He didn't expect her to have a better hand.
[deleted] ยท 10 points ยท Posted at 02:14:57 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)*
I didn't say it made sense. I just meant that's what it was supposed to be. I've seen stupid drama like this enough to know, you can't apply logic to the actions or assume they're doing something that makes sense. It's an emotional action.
Solarbro ยท 9 points ยท Posted at 00:12:31 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I would assume at least one of them isn't over the other.
Esosorum ยท 21 points ยท Posted at 22:44:58 on September 16, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
The guy or the ex? The guy... Idk, I guess he wants a smug feeling of victory and he's getting it by trying to exercise power over his ex's emotions. The ex? Her response was petty but I have a hard time disapproving of it since it was a relatively harmless - yet very effective - comeback. Standing up for herself in that way probably earned her a nice confidence boost.
Of course, I know neither of hear people so I'm pulling all of this out of my ass.
gun-nut ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 05:27:50 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
My favorite story about exe's, jealousy, and pictures is from MASH. Radar is writing a girl and she asked him to send her picture back because she wants to date someone else and is also a bitch. Do Hawkeye gets everyone in camp to give Radar a picture of a girl and he mails them all to her saying something along the lines of "I can't remember what you look like so here are some of the pictures girls have sent me. If you're not in there let me know and I'll send the rest."
[deleted] ยท 270 points ยท Posted at 17:33:33 on September 16, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Adopted kid is AK
Me: something something your mum!
AK: you haven't even seen my mum!
Me: Neither have you
Luckily the guy was cool so he just laughed it off.
[deleted] ยท 98 points ยท Posted at 22:56:04 on September 16, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
As an adopted guy, I use the 'which mom' thing all the time. They get really confused, then apologetic, and worried.
[deleted] ยท 7 points ยท Posted at 22:57:57 on September 16, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
unless they're gangstas like me
aint no1 steppin up to tha real g
fucking with adopted kids thats the life for me
just kidding
i just want pussy
:(
[deleted] ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 04:00:56 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I hear there's a pet store in town, it's the only way you'll ever get some.
HawkBlock ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 03:43:25 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
My biological mom cheated on my dad so I usually go with "Well she did sleep around"
moal09 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 06:01:43 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I have a friend whose mother died when he was really young.
Everytime we're making immature your mom jokes, someone will inevitably direct one at him, and he'll just go "my mom's dead.", and then it'll get super quiet, and then we'll all keep laughing anyway because he doesn't actually care.
Pretty funny when he busts it out around people we don't know though
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:55:40 on September 18, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Pretty funny when he busts it out around people we don't know though
"Raising you wore out her heart by mental distress, like how I made her pussy raw by physical duress"
Hopefully it was heart related/suicide and she had a history of rape/child molestation. It would be funnier if he is significantly younger than me since then it can imply fatherhood and if no siblings the real cause for it.
It would be much more interesting when I know someone since then I dig much deeper emotionally, maybe even reaching the core that defines an individual.
If I want to entertain myself as a sociopath unlike someone's mother.
I was at work giving shit to a new employee, he kinda got me with a zinger that I can't remember now, everyone laughed, I quoted Vince Vaughn's line from Dodgeball "you're adopted, your parents don't even love you", turns out he WAS adopted and when his new mom died, the father basically kicked him out and moved far away. He didn't say anything at that moment, but his good friend told me later, and I felt like shit. He now has a job in Chicago making mega bucks doing some corporate type stuff.
A good friend of mine's parents divorced and each remarried a woman, leaving him with three moms. He likes assigning "your mom" lines to the appropriate one.
I never got the whole, "You were adopted" ridicule. That means their parents chose them specifically. They wen't kid shopping and decided that you were the one they wanted.
bludvls07 ยท 100 points ยท Posted at 02:50:48 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Playing Halo on Xbox live and a bunch of guys were giving this kid (maybe 11 or 12) a hard time for being awful. The kid said something lame and one of the guys said "yeah come back and talk when your balls drop"
Kid responded "they just did on your moms face"
Game started and nobody moved because everyone was laughing too hard.
I don't know one worse than one I nailed a guy with who hung out at our auto shop for a while.
This guy was a straight up deadbeat dad, 21 years old, made zero effort to see his kid even though we watched him respond to the kid's mom via text (asking if he could stop over and see his son) with lies about how he was busy at work...every single time.
His entire life consisted of hanging out at a trashy local bar drinking, smoking dabs, and trying to tell other people how to live their lives while he didn't have a job and relied on handouts from anyone and everyone.
ALL THE FUCKING WHILE, he'd be talking to someone he was just meeting and wouldn't miss an opportunity to throw in "well, as a father..." or some other remark that made us all both laugh and silently pray for his poor kid, whose dad was a few miles away, stoned off his ass thinking of him as nothing more than a conversation piece to make himself sound important.
We'd been talking about booting him from the lease for months, because we just fucking hated him, and we hoped for his kid and kid's mom's sake that maybe taking away his place to get stoned would shock him into getting his shit together.
One night, we just started ripping on him, making fun of him brutally. Sometimes he'd try and laugh it off, sometimes he'd try and defend himself (some things, you can't defend.)
His final quip was, "I just researched and bought the best car seat available!" (He hadn't seen the kid in months, though he could've gone over literally any time.)
I normally watch my words, but it came to me so fast that I couldn't stop myself.
"Oh, wow, man, so you bought yourself a place to keep your dust collection?"
He processed it, looked like he was about to kill me, and then stormed out of the shop. We seriously never saw or heard from him again. We took his name off the lease and that was that.
He doesn't have any social media that he checks regularly (only a Facebook he uses to creep on his exes,) so I don't know where he's at today, but I seriously hope with all of my heart he's made some effort to clean his shit up and be in his son's life.
love_pho ยท 142 points ยท Posted at 22:41:52 on September 16, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Back when I was in college, I was walking to class behind some high school kids. They were carrying on, and the one girl with them yells out "Fuck all, y'all!" and tries to hurry ahead. One kid calls after her, "well, you already done James!"
[deleted] ยท 8 points ยท Posted at 04:50:17 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)*
I remember this time I high school. Asshole comes up to me and asks "How much did you have to pay to get admitted into the school?" (Implying I wasn't worth the school)
"I fumed for approximately 20 minutes, and then called him over. Arrogant fucker actually put his arms around my shoulder, only to hear in my politest Hindi "I pay the same amount your mother charges at the brothel."
He got so pissed he called up his friends to hit me with them, and then I thrashed all three.
Edit: High school was pretty interesting in terms of comebacks.
My 8th grade math class, we were in groups of 4, but 2 desks to me were facing each other. M, a douche (sorta), A, a girl me and M were crushing on, like hard.
So M and A are talking and they're pretty loud so I could over hear it, and M says "you are what you eat". With out missing a beat and to impress with quick thinking skills, I said "no wonder you're such a dick." M put his head down, while A kept laughing. Made me feel good.
ColtChevy ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 04:17:16 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
You sold me with the backwards walking finger pistols. I can just see Ryan Reynolds do that exact scene.
In a high school history class, we were discussing birth control for some reason. Some kid blurted out, "but what about the pull out method?" Teacher responded, "didn't work for your parents now did it?"
IKaeden ยท 15 points ยท Posted at 04:27:12 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
In middle school, a friend of mine made a "your mom" joke. With the straightest face I could I said, "My mom is dead..."
Without missing a beat he goes, "is that why she wasn't moving when I fucked her last night?"
An argument between a cholo and lesbian girl in hs. Cholo: shut up you dumb lesbian bitch! Lesbian: I get more pussy than you you fat mother fucker! class goes wild
Once I was on a train sitting across from a bunch of irritating 12 year olds. I was trying to tear off the plastic on a fancy ass pen, and my nails were cut short so I was having trouble with it. The little shits were having a field day, all 'OOOHHH YOU CANT OPEN A PEN', etc. etc. I told the, that I kept my nails short because I played guitar. Little Douchebucket said, "Guitar's gay. Like you."
Jokes on them because I am pretty fucking gay. I responded with, "Yeah, cos I still get more pussy than you."
[deleted] ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 04:59:30 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Ay holmes, is all good.
[deleted] ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 04:28:31 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I grew up in a town with a 35% Mexican population and a gang problem, I assisted as a translator in an ESL class, and I'd never heard it either. People would say vato for that.
One of my TAs in college was a certified bra-burning feminist. We had just read some article that she interpreted as sexist, so she finished with a feminist tirade about women in science and such, then left the room.
The awkward silence that followed was broken by my buddy thusly: "you know, she's got some good birthing hips."
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 04:07:44 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I like my feminine hips. There are a ton of bi girls at my school, I only attract them more! MOAR!
I'm late, and no one will ever see this, but I am proud of my comeback a few years ago.
A woman I met at my neighborhood bar had lost a lot of weight with the stomach stapling, or gastric bypass, or whatever they call it now. She was very proud of it and we sat in my car in a parking lot and she showed me all kinds of pictures and Wikipedia articles about the procedure and when I asked her why she didn't eat better and work out, she said just didn't have the willpower to stop eating, so she took a shortcut.
When she finally decided I wasn't a dangerous person a few hours later, she drove to my house and came inside. I sat down and lit a cigarette and she hit me with how nasty and cancerous and the usual (true) things people say to smokers. I told her it is truly a hard habit to break and I've tried several times but always start again. She said it easy, just don't smoke.
Straight away I said, "well I wish there was some kinda surgery I could have to skip over the hard part of quitting, making my lungs smaller or something, but as it stands I gotta put in work, no shortcuts."
She did NOT think that was funny, made up some lame excuse to leave, went home and told her mom what I said, expecting moms to show sympathy. She told me her mom fell out laughing in her face and then she and I became cool again.
Then her boss is committing slavery, it's not all the customer's fault that America has shit labor laws and that the asshole of a boss is taking advantage of them.
Geerid222 ยท 109 points ยท Posted at 00:45:35 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I was smoking and reading at a coffee shop (in the smoking area). And a woman with her two children go by me, she let's out a "ugh, I hope you die of lung canser."
As a knee jerk reaction I glance up and say " I hope you outlive your children" and go back to my book.
Hunchback kid who stayed back a year in high school accidentally bumped into a massive land whale, who shouted "watch where you're going hunchback!" to which he replied "I got this way from giving girls like you piggy back rides."
Campus preacher told us about the evils of homosexuality. He said people thought he was gay when he was younger. He talked about a dream he had where there were two naked homosexual men and two cows, and how he realized that the cows were smart because they weren't naked. (I don't get it, either)
Campus Preacher: "And when I woke up from that dream"
Similar story: I was at some teen night thing held by a church where kids could gather and hang out, but had to listen to a brief 30 minute or so preaching:
Priest guy explaining what hell is like: "...hell is eternal darkness. Nothing but burning flames and pain-"
Kid without missing a beat: "how is hell so dark when it's flames everywhere?"
Back when me and jesus were coo' n shit, this was discussed in bible study.
Hell is separation from god, and god is frequently referred to as "the light". Hell, being separated from light = darkness.
So the darkness is metaphorical.
The 'fires of hell' and references to flame are likely also metaphorical.
Old testament sacrifices to deal with sin were always burnt. Fire is an easily relatable negative environment: heat, smoke, burning.
Many religions have a different practical idea of hell:
Hell is just what life on earth is now.
Hell is a lonely nothingness for all eternity.
Hell is getting poked in the bum with heated pitchforks by bearded goatmen.
The important thing is to snort and ask hard questions when people talk about this shit, so good work.
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 10:23:12 on September 18, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Hell is getting poked in the bum with heated pitchforks by bearded boatmen.
He at UMD? We've got a dude who says similar shit but I never pay attention to him long enough to hear the second part of his story/rant/sermon/whatever but the first part sounds about right.
[deleted] ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 05:35:16 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I swear every campus has one. Here at ASU, we have two and it's funny because they kinda hate each other.
wesw02 ยท 25 points ยท Posted at 00:36:34 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
In high school history class. A girl is sitting in front of a guy who she was known to have recently hooked up with. The guy and another dude are making jokes about penis sizes and the guy says, "It's not the size of the boat, it's the motion of the ocean" as he taps the girl on the shoulder for validation. And the girl immediately turns around, gives him a look and says, "Yea, but it took a long time to row to france."
I'm still laughing 10 years later. Maybe you had to be there ยฏ\_(ใ)_/ยฏ.
Ian1732 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 13:54:44 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
my high school buddy would always say if you want a come back you can take it from my upper lip.
trying to imply that I'm gay, but in reality he's the one who got his face cummed on. wasn't the brightest one on the block for sure, one of my biggest regrets was hanging out with this dude for several years...
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 10:11:57 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
i remember the first time I saw this, could not stop laughing. jimmy is brutal
Kozlow ยท 26 points ยท Posted at 01:48:45 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)*
On patrol in the projects one day. Little kid comes out of the lobby and says to my partner 'Sup white BOY'. Without skipping a beat my partner says 'Hello black boy'. Not really savage, but kid definitely wasn't expecting that.
A buddy was walking through highschool with his gf, when her older brother who wasn't his biggest fan yells at them:
"I can't believe you're dating that pussy"
To which he responded "You are what you eat, which is why she's dating me"
o11c ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 05:10:55 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Willingness to engage in cunnilingus is one of the most important items on the list when women rank lovers.
0728john ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:26:27 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
You are what you eat is a quote from confucious
JP193 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 04:22:00 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
This has to be considered a really specific way to even make any sense.
Any other order and it sucks, for example 'girlfriend is dating dude because she chooses to make him into a pussy'.
I was at a family get together and my mom was talking about random stuff and she started mentioning my aunt's (this aunt isn't really around anymore because our family had problems with her) boyfriend Alan died to my uncle. All of the sudden she remembers something and interrupts herself with "Oh, guess who came into the store last night!" Without missing a beat, my sister says "Not Alan."
This annoying know it all at work said, "I'm going to take some time to finish my schooling."
I said, "oh that's nice, what grade are you trying to finish?"
When I was about 18 my friend was showing off how brave he was that he'd gone to buy a condom, and then commented he didn't realise that it would expire in two years. At this, another friend just said "no chance".
When I was seven, I told a lady that smoking would give her cancer. She said if I didn't like it, to go away. Years later, she's got cancer. There's my savage comeback.
I was walking down the hallway with me and my Friends as a junior in high school, and some freshmen came up and asked me and one of my other friends, we are both Asian, if we knew kung fu, and with no hesitation my friend said I know kung fuck you, you racist piece of shit.
eatonsht ยท 29 points ยท Posted at 22:29:30 on September 16, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Is that a northern or southern style?
elmoteca ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 23:05:12 on September 16, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
It's Laotian!
[deleted] ยท 7 points ยท Posted at 03:38:28 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)*
[deleted]
[deleted] ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 04:07:00 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
It's insert extremely long, sterotypical sounding Asian country that hasn't been around for centuries
I just had my wisdom teeth out, and I was wildly high on Endone. Being an attached little shit, I made my boyfriend take me to the park so I could run around chasing leaves and hug him.
Enter a crowd of black youths on BMXs. They're all douches and they keep yelling at me and my boyfriend and calling us fried rice (I'm Asian, and he's a halfie). Without missing a beat, I turn around, look them square in the eye, and reply with, "Yeah well fuck off, fried chicken."
They were pissed, and I felt like I could take on Godzilla with both hands tied behind my back at that moment in time so my boyfriend had to pat me on the head to calm me down. Pretty hypocritical of them. They fucked off soon after, though, so I suppose it worked.
Hahaha so typical. They can dish it out but can't take it.
m15wallis ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 01:40:52 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I know kung fuck you,
...so is that Chinese, or Japanese?
castillar ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:23:26 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)*
with no hesitation my friend said I know kung fuck you
First thing that popped into my head, courtesy of Epic Rap Battles: http://i.imgur.com/n6yPTqo.gifv. (Sorry about the rough endingโquickie GIF creation job.)
EDIT: Fixed imgur link
Shin-LaC ยท -28 points ยท Posted at 00:06:43 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I can't stand Asian people with that kind of chip on their shoulder. There isn't even anything bad about knowing Kung Fu. I get asked equivalent things related to my ethnicity, and I don't chew people out or call them racists, because I don't have a massive complex of inferiority.
At least people recognize you as Asian. I'm Asian-Indian, and I've actually gotten asked my race several times before by people who were close friends of mine. I appreciate that they're not willing to jump to conclusions, but gods, guys! - ever heard of context clues? I bring curry to lunch every day, does that not mean anything?
Shin-LaC ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 01:30:42 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I get asked where I'm from, and then people actually dispute it because I don't look like they assume I should.
Vorpak ยท 11 points ยท Posted at 03:59:55 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
A kid called me a motherfucker the first day of 6th grade. I told him to keep his mom off the streets and I wouldn't be.
The P.E. teacher defeated us both.
So in 7th grade we were analyzing countries in europe and the middle east, and this one girl got Afghanistan, the country with the lowest literacy rate than literally all the other countries by a mile.
She goes, "Aww, c'mon, why does mine have to be the lowest literacy rate?"
"Because you belong there."
JESUS FUCKING CHRIST.
Also, I read this online:
"It makes me so glad when two ugly people hook up"
During the recent controversy about the new Ghostbusters, the Nostalgia Chick Lindsay Ellis tweeted something about how dumb it was to criticise a movie without having seen it.
She had previously made a documentary about having an abortion.
So one Twitter user responded to her Ghostbusters tweet: "Remember how you hated your baby so much, you killed before you even saw it?"
And after that tweet got a number of likes, they said "Wow, this is getting pretty popular, maybe I should make a documentary about it."
JoeyMxx ยท 664 points ยท Posted at 17:40:12 on September 16, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I have neither the time nor the crayons to explain it to you.
Geerat5 ยท 64 points ยท Posted at 20:27:18 on September 16, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
My Drill Sergeant was big on whipping out the crayons and having his 5 year old come and teach us
Gordon Ramsay. Or pretty much any English person could pull it off
elmoteca ยท 51 points ยท Posted at 22:48:03 on September 16, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Wow, I can hear it in his voice. But not the angry, yelling voice. No, I'm hearing it in that quiet, icy tone that he saves for when he is most deeply disappointed in your dish.
My favourite is, "I'd call you a tool but tools are useful"
Iezan ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 00:28:41 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
i would say that when i play on minecraft servers and be mean to children to temporarily fill this dark empty void in my heart when someone is an asshole in real life!
I've been using that one a lot lately after reading it on reddit. ๐
NightGod ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 09:38:04 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I've said it in real life before....to friends...in a joking manner. You're right that you'd come across as a shit monkey if you tried using it seriously, though.
evilbrent ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 11:32:14 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Frankly I'd just go straight to calling them a cunt. It's a classic for a reason.
It's so recycled though...It might work if you're the first person who said it, but if you really try to use this as an actual comeback it's obvious you couldn't think of anything.
Nope, I'm pretty happy and I mostly listen to NPR and podcasts.
I do listen to music with my five year old daughter, though. Her current favorites are Yoshimi Battles the Pink Robots and Hooked on a Feeling. So, I feel like I'm doing a pretty good job here.
MuttyMo ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 03:01:34 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Can't be in a bad mood listening to The Flaming Lips!
Damn right. She can never remember the name and just calls it the robot song. Loves it. There's some talk of making me a pink robot costume so she can be Yoshimi for Halloween but I don't think anyone else will get it.
phforNZ ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 22:36:05 on September 16, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I've said it.
It's not something you can drop anywhere though. Definitely a time and a place for its usage.
It works for self-deprecating humor pretty well I've found. Was visiting a friend who goes to a different school that's an engineering major and one of his friends was trying to explain a concept to me that I was having trouble understanding so i just said, "I don't think we have enough time or crayons for you to explain this to me." And everyone loved it.
Depends on the circumstances. There was a guy in my physics class a few semester back who asked help with the homework. I had no problems with it, so I offered to help.
We head over to a study room and start working. Turns out, he doesn't understand algebra, adding fractions, or integration (calc 1 and 2 are pre-req and calc 3 is co-req). While I'm trying to patiently explain how to do substitution, he flips out and says he knows he is right, the book just made a mistake and the final answer is wrong.
I'm usually pretty level headed, but blatant disregard for your own stupidity pisses me off so fucking bad.
That's when I pulled the, "you're wrong but I don't have the time or the crayons to explain it to you sufficiently." I then gathered my things and left.
We took a test later that week, and he was one of the first to finish saying that was the easiest test he had ever taken. He dropped the class after getting his grade back.
One of my buddies, who was in the study room, still brings that up.
Jericho4l ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 05:26:37 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Yep. I looked it up to see who had said it after I had posted and he had some great ones about lots of people. Said about Sarah Palin "Sheโs got no charisma of any kind, but I can imagine her being mildly useful to a low-rank porn director.โ
on1879 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:45:28 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Yeah, school wasn't too into the idea of insulting people's dead parents
chefdev ยท 12 points ยท Posted at 04:40:54 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I was at work with my uncle and cousins. Uncle is a smart ass. His middle son is quiet and only says anything when it's worth saying. Uncle keeps telling him to do something and he keeps saying no and doing it his way. The following is verbatim what was said.
Uncle "I'm gonna tell you what I told your mom 'SUCK MY DICK, BITCH!'"
Cousin, in a quiet, calm demeanor, "I'm gonna tell you what mom said 'Fuck off, small dick'"
Sounds like a roast that everyone gets a good laugh out of at the end. How was their relationship?
Kgk2013 ยท 28 points ยท Posted at 23:38:23 on September 16, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Tom from MySpace shredding a dude who acted like his company failed when in fact he sold it for $580 million. Told the guy to enjoy slaving away for a half-day off. Freakin' savage haha.
My new history teacher and this kid were going back and fourth finally douchbag kid says
" so why do you have all that dumb shit on the supplies cabinet?"
(Teacher) they're things people who liked me leave so I'll remember them. Look in there deep enough you'll find your moms panties" just continues and acts as though that kid isn't gonna need a senzu bean
awpti ยท 153 points ยท Posted at 18:05:14 on September 16, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Friend of mine called me a loser
My response?
"You're almost 40, live with your parents and haven't had a job in over a decade... but I'm the loser. Got it."
Was a month before he talked to me again.
setfire3 ยท 59 points ยท Posted at 22:05:03 on September 16, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I know people like that, I feel so pitiful for them that I don't even want to make a come back because I surely know it will fucking obliterate them emotionally. my response to that is usually 'ok sure'
awpti ยท 48 points ยท Posted at 22:12:10 on September 16, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
He had been talking shit all day, I couldn't help but put him back in his place. He has an undeserved ego. Nice to pop it once in a while.
Sometimes they make it that way on purpose though. Like keeping a child stunted and not providing them the skills to take care of themselves Sometimes it's just sheltering a child gone overboard.
I work with a woman and her daughter and the daughter still needs permission to date at 21 or 22. She's a normal girl but still acts like she's 14 with her mom. She's not slow and gets good grades, but is just sheltered and stunted emotionally/developmentally(?) and I can see her living at home until she is married. That is if she is ever allowed to date a guy without her mom chaperoning.
[deleted] ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 01:44:26 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
That's the more compassionate thing to do. But far less entertaining.
setfire3 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:03:48 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
well, i AM pretty entertained by the fact that I am not a 40 years old dude living with my parents and haven't had a job in over a decade
We need more context, otherwise it just sounds like you're an asshole......
awpti ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 08:05:43 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I have no issue with being called an asshole. I can be.
We were having a rather heated debate and he stooped to name-calling when his arguments kept falling flat. He ended with "You're a fucking loser". What followed was my response. He earned it, in full.
The fact that he hasn't had a job in over a decade and is living with his parents makes it pretty hard for him to be generous though doesn't it? Does this guy sit around getting stoned and playing video games all day? Because that's what it sounds like.
awpti ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 02:40:52 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
He volunteers a lot. He's horrible at socializing and is wildly awkward if you don't know him. He simply cannot network with people.
As a middle school kid I was bullied relentlessly by this huge kid. He was about a foot taller than me and about 100 pounds heavier. He one day started making fun of my friends and I and one of my friends just spouts out, "Well you have more chins than friends". I'm surprised my friend lived to tell the tale, the guy was pissed.
I was in a Belgian cheesemonger, trying various delicious lumps of rotten milk. A Walloon strolls up and, without prompting, says "where are you from?" I've learned it's usually easier to say "America" overseas, so that's how I reply.
He says, "You mean the US of A? There's more than just you on that continent, you know, not to mention Central or South America. I assume you aren't Mexican or Canadian anyway: they wouldn't presume the whole continent."
I swallowed my cheese sample, nodded, and asked "You're from Belgium? Must be confusing speaking German all the time." Aghast, he replied "we do not speak German, we speak French or Dutch!"
I smiled, gave him a thumbs up and said "You're welcome."
The conversation ended and I enjoyed my cheese in peace.
I don't think he did. This story never happened. German IS one of the three official languages in Belgium, besides French and Dutch, spoken in a small region next to the German border.
I was leaving school one day and walking toward the parking lot. There was a thick girl from my class walking a few feet in front of me and a loud-ass girl on her phone a few feet behind me.
The girl on the phone said "My massage was awful this morning. My usual girl was out sick, so they had this other girl filling in and...oh my god, she was so huge. She had to be like 200 pounds. I was so scared she was going to break all my bones. I mean, she's so huge and I'm so tiny."
The thick girl in front of me does an about face and goes "Bitch, don't even act like you're not 175 pounds. Ain't nobody gonna fucking break you."
The girl on her phone stopped dead in her tracks. The girl ahead of me kept walking like nothing happened. I caught up to her and whispered "That was fucking awesome."
"I don't know how your friends put up with you"
"I don't know how your friends- oh, wait, you don't have any"
Mazzpal ยท 8 points ยท Posted at 04:47:47 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
A real big shit talker in High School named Tim asked a little peon kid named Seth to use his phone. Seth asked why and Tim said because he needs to call his mom before practice. Seth then said "okay hit 1 to speed dial your mother" the entire place erupted and none of us after 12 years have forgot that.
My friend was waiting in line to see doctor, when some older guy cut him off. Next to the cabinet his wife was sitting and waiting for him. So my friend said loudly "Ahh, I can afford myself to wait a bit, I still got more time left. "
The look on her face was priceless.
I'm a cop, we had a drunk arrested last St. Paddy's day. The guy was wearing a kilt, the one asshole on station no one likes (also the arresting Officer) says "So what do you have under that kilt?"
Drunk guy says "Your mother's lipstick"
The entire patrol room starts chanting "LET HIM GO... LET HIM GO!"
On one of the comedy central roasts, I remember hearing "I wouldn't fuck you with Bea Arthurs dick". The camera panned to Bea Arthur, who was not amused.
tvtb ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 05:38:37 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
"I wouldn't fuck her with a stolen dick!" - George Carlin
My social circle has a guy who's kind of a manwhore. If there's a social disease, he's had/has it. We've been known to say, "I wouldn't fuck that with M's dick."
HoTs_DoTs ยท 113 points ยท Posted at 17:36:19 on September 16, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
So I had this co-worker that was pretty much a bitch, both male and co-workers could not stand her.
I can't recall what she said to a male co-worker but I remember it was both quite rude and stupid.
And the male co-worker, who was actually a nice guy and quite smart, just looked at her and said, calmly, "yeah...we'll you're ugly". He then smiled and walked away.
She started to cry and she said 'he's so mean'. I, in turn, looked at her and replied with 'are you kidding? how many times have you been rude to me for no reason' and then I walked away.
Fuck that girl. Actually don't....don't stick dick in crazy.
A crazy chick-if she really is crazy- already knows where you work, where you live, your number, your mom's address, your bestfriend, and where you keep the spare key that you didn't even know about.
ProMars ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 06:40:51 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
True fucking that. The day after I met my ex, she had already done a deep dive through my entire Facebook history.
Oh that's not crazy. That's "I want to make sure he's not into some kinky shit that I'm not into" or she's trying to see if you're a cheater. All girls do that. Except me, I don't give a fuck what my exes do.
Standing in line waiting to get into some shitty nightclub with my slightly shorter than the average male friend. There's a group of really obnoxious drunk girls in front of us and one of them looks at us then looks back at her friends and says something that makes them laugh. So my buddy speaks up and says something about them being drunk whores really loud so that everybody in a 10 foot radius can here us. The girl who originally looked back turns her head and says something, which in turn causes my friend to call her a whore again.. That's when the hands of god swept upon her ego.
Girl: Who are you calling a whore? You're barely 5'2"
Friend: Bitch, you're barely a 5!
And the entire line including the doormen erupted in laughter.
youthetom ยท 54 points ยท Posted at 23:36:11 on September 16, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
So I'm sitting in orchestra and we're sharing our instruments for each other to play, goofing off before rehearsal.
This home schooled guy asks me if he can play my cello, and ofc i say sure and assume we would swap our cellos and play a bit because that's how instrument sharing works.
He puts his cello in his case, locks it, and comes back and takes it from my hands. My cello was something I bought on ebay for $400 (really crappy - i use it for orchestra playing where it can get rough), and he just yells out loud "WOW this sounds like FIREWOOD! Why don't you just BURN IT!"
i reply "I personally believe the artist, not the instrument, that plays the music"
Esarel ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 06:16:13 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
jesus is that a good price on cellos? I want to get one but good lord are they expensive.
Falcrist ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 06:47:57 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I can't think of a stringed instrument for which $400 isn't considered "budget". You should see what violins cost!
Shit's expensive, yo.
youthetom ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 12:17:32 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Yeah... If you want to get something you can play fir a while and grow into it's usually more thank 1k.
Factor in the cost of lessons and it gets real expenses :(
Conbanham ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 08:38:37 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Had the same experience but with a brand new driver. My boss tried it out, swung it into the dirt and said "well it can't be that good". I replied that it's the Indian, not the arrow.
Once told this to a guy who was picking on another kid with some sort of learning disability (asberges, I think). I said it to try and diffuse the situation but the guy was so dumb that he took it seriously and started saying "what did you say about my fucking parents?!". This guy who'd been picking on kids all year was apparently more sensitive than Tumblr.
culady ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 02:38:24 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Seriously happened to me at work. This 55+ guy who was a total ass-hat and just such a whiner... one of our co-workers said that to him looking to make him smile. The ass-hat got all bent out of shape "he doesn't know my mother" and really offended. Idiot. He quit to work for another company.
They asked if I was going to plan a party for him. I told them the party would be after he left.
Your mother was a murloc and you smell like a leper gnome!
T-Money93 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 04:56:52 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Wasn't this implying that the mother is a whore and the father a drunk?
Plumhawk ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 08:05:34 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Now go away or I shall taunt you a second time-uh.
AndyGHK ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 08:44:51 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I always loved the explanation for this line that hamsters are notoriously promiscuous and elderberries are commonly used in wine, so he was saying "Your mother was a whore and your father was a drunk" in a roundabout way.
fede37 ยท -15 points ยท Posted at 20:32:33 on September 16, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Was Winston Churchill a bad husband. He's played off like a hero but alot of his comebacks are defences of his shitiness towards women. Im basing this on this thread.
TyPiper93 ยท 26 points ยท Posted at 17:25:19 on September 16, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
You're a below average attractive person and don't read well.
pjabrony ยท 35 points ยท Posted at 21:07:24 on September 16, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I can't remember what college it was, but it had just had a huge fire that destroyed its library. Only a few days later, they had a home [football] game and some news crew was interviewing the coach of the visiting team.
Interviewer: "so what are your thoughts on the recent library fire?"
Coach: "Oh it's a real shame. I hear half of those books hadn't even been colored-in yet."
Well, at least you have your gifs properly available. I don't keep tabs on gifs, and so I end up losing opportunities for some of them sweet, empty-carb karma points if I can't remember what it's called.
I know these days it isn't very shocking, but in my granddad's day it could be quite an insult if someone called you a motherfucker. His go-to reply?
"You keep your mother out of my yard and I'll keep my yard out of your mother."
Smkyb77 ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 15:04:30 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
My wife and I decided she should try to cut my hair to save a little time and money. She grabs the clippers and goes to work, my then 8 year old daughter walks up and I ask her, "How does it look?" Her response was, "What do you need to hear daddy?"
TheWeekdn ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 23:24:59 on September 16, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Seinfeld !
doc_moses ยท 38 points ยท Posted at 00:35:40 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I was in math class and these two thug dudes were sent to our class. They were fucking around and started telling the teacher about how they were going to drink later with some girls and get them drunk to have sex. after that one of the guys started asking one of my friends if he was with this girl tiffany. he said yeah. the guy started talking shit like " ugh shes not even good looking bro, shes nasty." my boy is turning red....he calmy looks looks at the guy and says " atleast I dont have to get a girl drunk to sleep with me" I jumped up quick and did the "ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooohhhhh!!!!!!!!!" the guy got real quiet after that and i just kept laughing. Not savage but damn it was perfect timing
SilentPs ยท 13 points ยท Posted at 03:19:31 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I gilded a guy once for burning an aussie poster by saying "don't you have better things to do, like wondering which flavor of kangaroo dick is the best."
We had a few pizzas at a work meeting one day. Someone went to open the box and knocked someone else's empty paper plate on to the floor. He looked up at her and said, "Look what you did you little JERK."
Everyone froze and was totally silent. Then I laughed because apparently I was the only one that understood it's a quote from Home Alone.
[deleted] ยท 10 points ยท Posted at 23:38:59 on September 16, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
[deleted]
Atheizm ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 09:31:52 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
It's from Baseketball.
NovaRogue ยท 17 points ยท Posted at 01:45:24 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
So.... A lot of people apparently don't understand what a comeback is. It's not just an insult.... It's a quick, clever, & savage RESPONSE to somebody else's insult.
When the Nazis occupied Paris, they conducted a search of Pablo Picasso's apartment. They noticed a print of "Guernica" (the original painting is mural-sized) and demanded, "Did you do this?"
Picasso replied, "No, you did."
I'm a former college athlete. One of my teammates was significantly older than the rest of the team because he went into service right out of high school before starting college. He was 25 or 26. But anyway, during a practice one of the freshmen was making fun of this guy for him being an old man. And he replied by saying "Hey you're a cute kid. I thought I pulled out."
"I think I was actually dropped on your head, the landing was pretty soft..."
Gmansam ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 04:42:56 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Professional dress day at our school and the best dressed class wins pizza. The principle comes in and counts how many people he sees dressed professionally and one kid asks, "What about me?" The Principle says, "Yeah, as a professional garbage man".
Turns out the kid ended up going home and crying and the mom notified the principle. There is no more progressional dress day at our school.
Super late but Fuck it. I was over a friends house playing halo with him when someone decided to send him a message full of trash talk, like " 1v1 me bro, and I fucked your mom ETC." My friend cooly and campy responds with " I came over your house last night, had your mom dress me like a French maid, and tie me to a chair, so I could watch her peg your dad." The guy quit the game.
"are you even listening? It's like I'm talking to myself over here"
"if you were talking to yourself you would probably be thinking who's this dumb fat cunt talking to me"
kevin349 ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 06:15:01 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
In like 10th grade this one "cool kid" says to a nerdier kid:
Man I've banged 10 times as many chicks as you
Nerdier kid:
yeah well 10 x 0 is 0
[deleted] ยท 12 points ยท Posted at 00:24:17 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
From a roast me some time ago. I saved that mother fucker for eternity.
"You're that girl who thinks guys find constant snark and sarcasm attractive until the day after you hit menopause and you're sitting around your shitty apartment with 10 cats and you finally have a sudden moment of clarity and realize what went wrong."
I work in a kitchen and these two cooks were arguing about something I'm not sure how it started but all I heard was this,
Cook 1: I don't care man shut the fuck up before I drive over to your mammas house and give her some fat dick.
Cook 2: my Mom's dead dude....
Cook 1: I DON'T GIVE A FUCK I'LL SKULL FUCK HER TEETH OUT YOU LITTLE FUCK BOY MOIST PUSSY ASS BITCH!
Fists were thrown and I laughed so hard I had an asthma attack
G4Hu ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 06:36:40 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
jardosh ยท 10 points ยท Posted at 22:46:12 on September 16, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
"Your anus must envy all the shit that comes out of your mouth!"
Dogbleep ยท 8 points ยท Posted at 03:59:33 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Once I stared off into space and when I came too I was staring at a girls boobs, so in the most valley girl-esque, bitchy voice she says "I have a boyfriend"
so In my infinite wisdom I respond "So do I"
the whole room went silent, a friend said it was the most savage thing hes ever heard.
Senior year. Kid came into homeroom late
Teacher: You're late!
Kid: Dude, I'm only a little late...
Teacher: Where'd you get that line? Your girlfriend?
A student asked me when the last time I had sex. I told him to ask his mom, she was there. I kinda regret that.
syriquez ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 04:50:19 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)*
Back in high school, my friends and I were sitting in the lobby just chatting and bullshitting. I don't remember the context but my friend Mike said something about the word "fuck". In response to that, one of the female members of our group exclaimed, jokingly, "Oh no! My virgin ears!"
Without even a second of hesitation, Mike responded, "Your ears? I doubt that." She looked rather upset and went silent for the rest of the time we were there.
Everybody laughed and just continued on another subject but... Yeah, I felt bad about her reaction to that retort and I wasn't even the one that said it. Convinced Mike later to apologize and admit he wasn't meaning anything by it, just ribbing her. She seemed to be okay with that so all was well between them.
(A few weeks later, she told me why it hit her so hard. Her parents were/are kind of crazy high achiever shitbags and... Well... Let's just mention how they bought a home breathalyzer kit for their daughter that I personally knew for a fact never drank...they were just assholes that would force her to prove it. So yeah, emotionally abusive parents to a pretty high degree. The night before, her parents had spent some time accusing her of sleeping around.)
Remarkable that they had to learn these lessons at University.
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 10:31:28 on September 18, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
It was in his special ed class.
[deleted] ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 04:54:21 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
So there was the really annoying kid in my seventh grade science class back in the day and he sat next to me and a good friend of mine. So we're doing this worksheet and he gets this very obvious and simple answer wrong he realizes this and yells " I'm an idiot!" She gives him this very sympathetic look and says " it's okay, admitting you gave a problem is the first step to recovery." We all died laughing
I remember watching a Native American movie called Smoke Signals. One little shit was being mean to another little shit, conversation went something like this:
"Victor! Hey, Victor, what do you know about fire? No, really, Victor. I mean, did you know things burn in colors? I mean, sodium burns yellow...and carbon burns orange, just like that. Hey, Victor, heard your dad's living in Phoenix, Arizona, now. Man, he's lived everywhere since he left you, huh?"
" Is that so, Thomas? You know, I was wondering, Thomas. What color do you think your mom and dad were when they burned up?"
At one point we were hanging out with another couple and they were arguing. She was complaining about how he never did anything, and he was a waste of space, blah blah same crap that we always hear. Then in the stream of bitching that he was receiving she whips out this phrase out. "You are a bad egg. You know when you pick up a dozen of eggs and you look at them to see if there are any cracks? You are the cracked egg, you are the reason a dozen gets put back on the shelf." damn.
I'm currently a substitute teacher. Asked a student to get to work, he said, "Your not my dad!" I replied, "How do YOU know?"
I immediately regretted saying it but I didn't get fired, so there's that.
[deleted] ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 05:52:16 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Really fucking late to the party.
My senior year of HS my AP English Lit teacher hated me and my friends because we were part of an academic group that he wasn't a head coach of.
Also, being the only 4 guys in a class of liks 50+ girls, we were pretty fucking annoying because we were always trying to get our dicks wet.
One day, we came to class late because we were watching a soccer game during lunch
and he starts lambasting us about how we are useless and academic failures and how out program is shit and what not.
Oh, most important part of the story, he has cerebral palsy so he needed crutches to walk most of the time or if he didn't he would walk with a CRAZY limp.
Anyway, he keeps jagging us about how soccer is useless and then brings up that it's un-American.
I tell him "dude you like the Seahawks" (this was pre beast mode and Russel Wilson)
And he says: "I like Football because it's a man's sport. Only real athletes play football. Anyone can kick a soccer ball."
To which I replied: "You sure as hell can't."
It was silent as hell as we both caught eyesight for what seemed like hours until one of my friends started cracking up and then everyone started laughing.
I had detention for the rest of the year.
Fucking worth it.
Fuck you Mr. R.
PFnewguy ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 05:52:26 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
The quiet kid in my elementary school got braces a year or so before everyone else did. Bully constantly made fun of his braces. One day kid responds, "At least what's wrong with my face can be fixed."
Once when I was teaching school kids some web design stuff. There was one kid who was kind of "hot shot" and he kept trash talking for whole time. At some point he asks me how is it possible for baby to survive abortion (!?) and in matter of seconds principals tells him go ask your parents. I literally needed 15 mins to come back cause I was ROFL.
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 08:52:24 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Oh man! I wish I would've got in on this sooner cuz I got a doozy.
Senior year of high school I was walking to creative writing class with my friend. Lately my friend had just been randomly shouting or saying/responding with "it was all just a freak masturbation accident." To everyone, all the time. Well I dared him to say it to my creative writing teacher on the way to his class. They had never met before.
He walks up to him, says with a semi-straight face, "Mr. P, it was all just a freak masturbation accident!" My fucking teacher perfectly smooth without hesitation replied, "...you were?"
John Oliver: You've stated that you believe there could be an infinite number of parallel universes. Does that mean there is a universe out there where I'm smarter than you?
Stephen Hawking: Yes, and also a universe in which you're funny.
itsgitty ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 08:40:45 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
So I don't think this is that incredible but it was at work so it was pretty savage. I work with basically all older people >40 ~ 50 and we sometimes have some group conversations and everyone is pretty down to earth. So one guy I talk to the most, often about politics or music, was contributing to the convo talking about the many sports he played in highschool or college. He says:
"Oh yeah I was very athletic, I was on the baseball team, the football team, and even the basketball team at one point.
A brief pause occurred when I gracefully replied:
"Wow that's amazing. How were you able to warm that many benches?"
Before I even realized how savage it was everyone had burst out laughing. He was laughing as well but I just immediately felt embarrassed for him because he was kind of reluctantly taking the joke and saying "nice you really got me". Everyone laughed for probably 30 seconds and he still brings it up occasionally in a somewhat indignant way
my friend had a fight with some weird kid
my friend: im gonna fuck ur sister tonight bro
weird kid: i dont have one
my friend: in 9 months u will have
SIS-NZ ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 11:58:54 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Winston Churchill was pretty good. This is entirely off memory, so please correct me if I'm wrong:
Lady Astor: (to Churchill)...If you were my husband, I'd poison your tea.
Churchill: If you were my wife, I'd drink it.
That's pretty savage.
Also...he was being boorish at a soiree and a woman said to him "Sir, you're drunk!" to which he reply "Madam, you're ugly...but in the morning I'll be sober."
Westpar ยท 35 points ยท Posted at 00:41:52 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
College Biology class, instructor talking about chemical composition of various bodily fluids. Semen comes up (pun intended) and how it's composed of mainly glucose. A female student raises her hand and asks, "If it's made of mainly glucose why doesn't it taste sweet?"
Professor, without missing a beat, "That's because the sweet taste buds are on the tip of your tongue, not the back of your throat."
SeymourZ ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:35:44 on September 18, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
To be fair, whoever said that was justifying being a slut.
Moizyyy ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 04:58:54 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
In our group of 3 friends one of my friends, we'll call him Tom, was dating a super bitchy girl, Katie. Tom decided to ask my other friend, James, after seeing a picture of him wearing glasses "Since when do you wear glasses?"
James without missing a beat responded
"Since I couldn't see why you're with Katie"
Tom did not have an answer.
[deleted] ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 10:20:58 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
One day me and my mates were having a laugh together, but there was one guy there who would annoy people. We all started taking the piss out of each other as a joke when he pipes up "charella1216, you're like cheese from a burger, you melt all over the meat"
So I said "you're like the gerkin, no one likes you but you're always fucking there"
[deleted] ยท 7 points ยท Posted at 23:38:21 on September 16, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Slightly off topic. I love gherkin and thought it was an English national treasure. Maybe it was just a London thing.
Be me in the Air Force, early 2000's. Walking with a buddy who's carrying an aircraft generator on a cart... the cart tips and it falls on the ground, broken stud.
Fellow shop guy hears it, points and says "Haha you dropped a generator!"
Buddy points to him... "Haha your a divorced drunk who declared bankruptcy!"
fixgeer ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 06:02:01 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Good on him. It's cool to give people a hard time, but laughing when someone drops and breaks something is just stupid
In high school, a boy was complaining about women being shallow, only caring about money and looks, etc. Generally sounding like a red pill type.
The response was, "They don't dislike you because you're ugly on the outside; it's because you're ugly on the inside too."
He didn't like that very much.
N3koChan ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 04:24:27 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
"Now I understand what people were saying."
And just walk away without saying anything else.
clarque_ ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 04:47:00 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
We live in a low-income apartment complex. The kids just run rampant in the parking lot with no supervision. There's this one kid that bullies all the other kids and he's like half their size.
One day this kid is pushing the other kids into my car. So I go out there and tell them to get away, and he says something snarky. It wasn't important enough to remember. So I just looked at him and said "your mother would have swallowed you". A little while later his deadbeat mom came and yelled at me for it.
There's nothing quite as satisfying as insulting a kid and then him having to ask his mom to explain it.
kinejit ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 04:57:20 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
While serving in Iraq with the Australian Army I was in a mess hall with a friend having lunch. The mess hall was shared by soldiers of all nations, lots of Americans.
At the end of the table were four big American black soldiers who looked as though they'd just come from the gym.
American Soldier: Hey Aussie soldier how come I see a lot of you Aussie soldiers around here but I don't see any Aboriginal soldiers?
Me : It's just that the company we came out with doesn't have many Aboriginal soldiers in it.
American Soldier: Nah ... you guys are all racists
to which all his mates agreed with.
Me: no seriously they aren't many Aboriginals in the company
American Soldier: No No you guys are all racists.
I let it go for a minute or two
Me: hey American soldier ... Where are all your Red Indian soldiers?
to which him and his mates burst out laughing ... thank fuck
Yeah it's too much to say in one sentence. If I want to make the suicidal roast, I normally go with 'is it murder to annoy someone to suicide? Because that's what your doing to me."
DMBumper ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 01:21:15 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Im aware. Im saying that its too much in one statement. Im not smart enough to think if a witty comeback in one sentence, but I'm smart enough to make a comeback about suicide.
I've been running a criminal empire of pop selling in school for years. This kid takes two out of our mini fridge in my locker and runs away so I yell at him is that how fast u run when the pizza place opens up.( he was fat).....
"Im on my knees, begging you to give me another chance"
"If you had been on your knees with me more and others less, we wouldnt be having this conversation"
best breakup ever
MrGBSM ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 00:56:23 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
So, kinda late, but whatever. A couple friends and I were sitting at a table, eating. Friend A announced that the bottom of his pizza looked deformed. Friend B promptly replied with "Dude, it's not a mirror."
I was hanging out with a group of people and among them was a guy - real irresponsible type, alcoholic, can't deal with responsibility - and his teenaged daughter. He's sipping a beer and telling this real long-winded story and he says, "... And then he called me something I've never been called before..." And his daughter suddenly chimes in and says, "What, a grown-up?" It was so perfect and scathing.
This was a rumor in high school about this chick in my grade's older brother was apparently breaking up with his girl at dinner in a restaurant and she was crying. It wasn't long until she got up and left but not before she said "oh yeah? Well if I could lose a few pounds then you could gain a few inches."
A fucking nuke, if true.
ViperGTX ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 03:40:48 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
My friend and I were on a roadtrip to a party.
Me - "I can't wait to get a few beers when we get there. We've been driving for too long."
Her - "I don't want to drink too much. I don't want to embarrass you."
Me - "You aren't my Girlfriend and you aren't a member of my family. So technically you're nothing to me. Do what you want"
Took me a couple seconds to realize how brutal that was.
I had a fellow football player in high school get voted off the team for not coming to the first 3 days of practice (because, fake cough "I'm sick..."). After getting voted off, he's pissed and having a tantrum daily. As we start the school day, I go to Econ class, and there's the douche canoe, in all his mock glory. He is seated in front of me. He decided to be humorous, yelling out, "Mrs. Teacher, I can't sit next to hmscoachhardin, he's on the football team." I reply without even thinking (much to my own surprise), "I can't sit next to douce canoe, he couldn't make the football team. Laughter ensures, as do mock threates that he never carries out.
tagurit3 ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 04:00:00 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Two "friends", one short and kinda dirty. The other a foster kid. Hangin' in the park, the foster kid points to a flick of flies and says to the Dirty kid: "look, there's your family". Dirty kid points in a random direction and says: "look, there's your's".
Friend number one: Shut up you are like a 25 year old virgin.
Friend number 2: Oh yeah well in a few years I won't be a virgin. But you'll always have that tiny dick!
Rekt.
thejard ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 04:08:53 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Asshole guy I know picked on a girl who was pretty large and muscular by shouting out "You walk like a man!"
Girl immediately shoots back with an "unlike you?"
[deleted] ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 04:09:58 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Some idiot, to a guy I knew: "If we were in prison, you'd be my bitch!"
Guy I knew: "YOU'D BE MY BITCH IF WE WERE AT SUMMER CAMP!"
Jo-dan ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 04:12:37 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
A while back I was watching an episode of QI with my family. On the episode they were talking about a man having sex with a goat.
Dad: "I'm not sure this is appropriate for you u/Jo-dan"
Mum: "like you can talk. You're from New Zealand!"
Trevork60 ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 04:19:56 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I didn't have any expectations, and I'm still disappointed in you.
stevrock ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 04:21:20 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
"I fucked your mom!"
"I fucked your dad, he gives a mean blowjob"
From Bill Hick's 1989 stand up, "Maybe you were conceived with a weak sperm. Maybe your dad was jacking off and your mother sat on it at the last second."
[deleted] ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 04:50:04 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
San Francisco. Day. Parking lot.
Guy is walking into the store and a car pulls back without looking. He jumps to the side, and shouts, 'cocksucker!'
Guy in the car quips back, 'and a damned good one, too!'
In Spanish class, this kid wouldn't shut up for his final and the teacher was serious and ripped up his paper. The kid was like, "Dude, that's a waste of paper!"
Kid in my high school had some disease where his life expectancy was only till around 40...one day was bragging about how he finished all the homework for this whole week Some other kid chipped in and said..well ya? I finished all my homework for this whole month. Original kid said..I finished my homework for this whole year...and this kept escalating on when finally the second kid said..well at least I'll live past 40
jplevene ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 05:32:41 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Winston Churchill was the best:
At an event a woman said to him with disgust "Sir, you are drunk!"
He replied "I may be drunk mam, but in the morning I will be sober, you however, will always be ugly".
[deleted] ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 05:34:05 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
[deleted]
IRAKILLS ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 05:40:49 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
"You're just a genius aren't you?" said sarcasticly. "I love it when you call me words you can't spell."
aljobar ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 05:41:11 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Sitting in a taxi with a few workmates. One of the ladies had obviously had a pretty big night and it showed. "Geez, you look terrible this morning", says workmate #1. "I'll be fine in a few hours, what are you going to do for the rest of your life?", replies colleague #2.
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 10:43:23 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
You share a taxi with colleagues to work? Are you in the UK?
aljobar ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 11:06:51 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Not quite. It was a work trip and we were taking a taxi from the hotel back to where we were all working.
[deleted] ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 05:53:37 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I was always a short kid in school, generally the shortest dude in my grade and got picked on some for it. So when I got my license when I was 16, let's just say I looked a little small to be driving.
One day, I pull up to a pickup football game and park in one of the spaces. As I'm getting out of my car this fat kid yells, "hey willworkfourkarma, can you even see over the steering wheel??" and gets a few laughs. Immediately I reply, "ha. at least I can see my own dick in the shower". Didn't hear anything else from him again.
Back in high school this emo girl was tryin to roast me for being Asian. Not even any good jokes. Then she said
"Your eyes are so slitty"
To which I quickly replied
"Just like your wrists!"
Everyone laughed at her and she started crying. A week later we all found out she actually did. I came back at her so hard she cut herself
cyburai ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 06:25:15 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
A group of friends is sitting on the beach at the Jersey Shore one Saturday afternoon nursing hangovers.
A few more friends from the group walk up and put their chairs down in the sand and one guy asks my friend Timmy, "Hey Timmy, you know who was asking about you last night?"
Immediately we all swivel our heads around to find out who could be asking about Timmy. Probably a dozen of us.
"Nobody."
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 08:47:53 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
This is exactly why USA should declare war on orange faced idiots.
Here was a memorable conversation between two of my coworkers, a black woman and a white man:
BW: "lol you're just mad because you white buys have small dicks"
WM: "naw, we just never talk about our dicks because we're busy running the fucking world"
BW: "pssh, you think you're running the world but meanwhile we're stealing all your women lol!"
WM: "I know, right? How does it feel knowing that everyone prefers white girls over you?"
One of my more religious friend's mom was going off about the legalization of gay marriage and how it was a sin and awful blah blah. Without missing a beat my friend says, "did you consult the Lord before you divorced dad?" The look on her face was fucking priceless.
mindscent ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 06:54:57 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
In 5th grade, a kid was calling my friend a "f----t". My friend didn't even look up from his homework and said, "That's a nice shirt. I had one just like it when my dad was laid-off."
He's a fairly successful clothing designer in N.Y., now.
Usagii_YO ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 07:01:54 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
So he was a "f----t" then?
I kid...
mindscent ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 07:24:23 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I don't know what a f-----t is. It's a word that 5th graders and gross adults use when they want to feel better by making someone else feel like shit.
so, no.
Werevark ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 07:20:46 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
This is one from a coworker.
I work at a pizza place. At one point, we had this one coworker who would sit on a chair and play with his phone at any time he wasn't given a direct job. One day, after work, he sends another of our coworkers a 'what you shouldn't do at your job' pic he pulled off of Facebook. She responded with: 'hey, I've got one of those too, check it'.
She sent him a picture of him sitting around on his phone.
She's good people.
upads ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 07:26:43 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Not my personal experience, but this guy, he fucked the school's bully's mom, met them both in the nake, and a few days later in an argument he ended everything with "but I fucked your mom..."
I went to the movie theater with a buddy once. I was in the military at the time (Germany), and soldiers get reduced entry prices to many venues here. I didn't have my troop ID on me, so I pulled out my dog tags and asked if those were sufficient.
The older (but not quiet old yet) lady at the register replied that no, those don't prove anything. Her husband still has those too.
To which i replied: "Yeah I don't think Wehrmacht counts anymore."
She was not amused.
[deleted] ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 08:46:12 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)*
I actually said this one to my own mother when I was 10 or 11. I had gotten a bad report card and my mom was raking me over the coals that night at dinner. She said "Why are you so lazy? You like science, you like astronomy, why don't you apply yourself?!" I fired back with "Yeah I guess I could do better, since I have my very own GAS GIANT at home to study up close!" My dad spit his coffee all over the wall.
I still feel bad about this one. At our small private high school, we had a teacher that still hadn't fulfilled the state requirements to teach. We weren't paying attention and she goes off on a rant about how she's there for our benefit and we need to pay attention to her that finally ends with her saying "Why do you think I teach here?"
Without thinking, I respond "Because you couldn't get a job anywhere else." She was not amused.
My buddy and I were arguing about who was the poorest as a kid, and after the usual bullshit like used clothes and and free lunch I hit him with "oh yea you never had to drink powdered milk" and his response was " yea I did, AT YOUR HOUSE!"...I won the argument but lost in a way...it was amazing
"Your first name's complete, last name trash." - My baby brother.
Fenr-i-r ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 11:18:07 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Want my comeback? Scrape it off your mum's teeth
Sanderz38 ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 13:21:01 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
We had a really cool teacher that came from an education company for a year, teaching us a certificate 3 in buisness studies whilst still in high school. He was a legitimate smart ass, very funny and quick witted but a little fat around the mid section as my 17yo freind pointed out to him in front of the class one day. "well Brian, I can explain that" he said with a massive smile on his face "everytime I fuck your mum, she gives me a cookie"
The whole class lost there shit.
[deleted] ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 13:21:28 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
The classic "your mom" was often met with "my moms dead" to which a friend was overheard "who do you think fucked her to death"
My brother and I are both martial artists. One day, after a morning out on a boat, he and his friend were talking about teaching they're girlfriends stuff that they were interested in. I was half listening but tuned in a little more when my bro started talking about teaching his gf the basics. Then he turned to me while I was retying a rope.
"You know the secret behind a good punch, right?"
"Don't be a girl?"
I didn't even look up. I caught myself completely by surprise and ended laughing harder than anyone else there.
One time my band was playing a show and someone yelled something vulgar about our bass player's mom to him, and he responded, "leave my mom out of this, and I'll leave this out of your mom", while pointing at his dick. I still remember it till this day.
My wife and i were getting a divorce. I was talking to my best friend about where i was gonna live. Told him i didnt wanna live in my basement and hear my ex- wife getting banged by her new man. He said " Dont worry , i'll keep it quiet."
I was on a public chat and this guy started telling people who were bothering him "I'm not in the fucking mood" and "I'm tired of this bullshit." Someone who had never spoken in the chat for hours said "You're tired of the bullshit but you're here 16 hours a day still taking it in the ass."
Goingdef ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 04:02:57 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I was nine or ten and walking with a couple of friends, as we walked past a low income apartment complex a little girl about our age missing her lower arm was playing inside the fenced area, for no reason she looks at my older friend and says what I can do anything you can do..... he stopped looked dead at her and started a slow loud clap.
Friends wife calls him to complain about their toddle who would scream his head off when she would use the vacuum.
Friend come home from work he proceeds to take over the vacuum duties. Son begins screaming again.
Wife: see this is what I've been dealing with all day.
Friend: well if he heard the vacuum more often than every 6 months he'd react differently.
Haven't seen him since...
queertrek ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 20:20:19 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
if you haven't seem him since he said that, how do you know he said that?
Raintitan ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 04:34:18 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Me, at 16 looking at a punker girl: "Look at you and those fucking dog tags that you think make you cool. A loser who thinks they look punk-cool making a statement about war, the military of whatever the fuck. Not impressed, loser. "
Her: "My dad died last week, and these were his dogtags from Vietnam where he served. "
[deleted] ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 05:23:14 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
[deleted]
Raintitan ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:53:02 on September 19, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
She cried. I felt terrible.
I ended up dating her for a while about six months later. Didn't work out, nice girl.
Student fell asleep in class. Teacher pulled out a tennis ball and hammered the sleeping student in the face with a magnificent, accurate, full force throw from across the room. Kid's glasses went flying across the room.
Admittedly several decades ago and would never fly these days but damn... No one ever fell asleep in that teacher's class.
On the metro coming home one afternoon, some kids come on after a game of football or some such pursuit. They are arguing, one kid, they call him Ethan is being a dick. One kid has had enough.
"Do you know why Ethan's dad smokes? Because he's Ethan's dad"
queertrek ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 20:21:32 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Back in when I was in 8th gtade, 2 black kids went up to my group of asian friends and started taunting us with "Why are your eyes so fucking small?"
I instantly shot back with, "why is your brain so fucking small?"
omnicious ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 03:57:50 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
This is the best I've ever had. I'm riding in the backseat with a friend driving and his girlfriend riding shotgun. We start talking about his driving skills and he says he's the best driver out of us three. I respond with, "I wonder who the worst driver here is. The Asian, the woman, or the bad driver." (I was the Asian.)
XiMerx ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 04:09:06 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Teacher: "Pick someone (to read what they wrote) that you dislike"
There's an older guy where I work, and the group likes to have a bit of good natured fun with each other. One day people were joking about how old he was when:
"Damn Ron, you're old enough to be my father."
Ron: "Who's your mother, I might be."
uabuckeye ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 04:48:55 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Some black dude over xbox live told me that I probably smell like boiled hotdog water. That hurt, but was funny af.
One of my students told me the other day something his math teacher said to him. He'd made a joke comparing himself to Jesus because he was born on 12/25.
The teacher, off the cuff, said "you have two things in common with Jesus - his birthday and neither of you have a dad."
[deleted] ยท 12 points ยท Posted at 18:30:56 on September 16, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
This isn't one I've heard but one I said myself. In high school I had some Pepsi I got at lunch. I went over to throw something away and this kid quickly took it and shook it up a bunch to get all the fizz out. I was pretty mad so I yelled,"fuck off Trever. If I wanted something flat I'd date you're girlfriend."(his girlfriend wasn't to big.) Madness proceeded to ensue.
I performed at a standup comedy show a couple weeks ago. I live fairly close to the Canadian border, so the bar I was performing in had a gaggle of 40something, Canadian women, wasted, on a bachelorette party. It was a nightmare. They were screechy, weren't paying any attention, and were right front and center. Ugh.
Anyway, after the show, I was talking to one of them outside, and doing that thing where you mess with the drunk person, and they have no clue, even though your friends are laughing. I said something about her being Canadian. This is the conversation that followed.
DrunkCanadian - gasp Howdju know I was Canadian?
Charmlessman1 - Your accent.
DrunkCanadian - What accent? I don' have a accent!
Charmlessman - Say "sorry".
DrunkCanadian - Sorey.
Charmlessman - See? Canadian.
DrunkCanadian - Well how do you Americans say sorey?
MyFriendBehindMe - WE DON'T!
I hi-fived my friend four times in a row.
kamuimaru ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 23:02:07 on September 16, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
There's a guy in my neighborhood that likes to wear kilts. I actually think it's pretty cool, and also takes a lot of guts. Anyway, I asked him one day after getting to know him for a bit (we would often see one another in a nearby park while both of us would be walking our dogs) if he'd ever caught any flak for wearing them. Not surprisingly, he said yes. I asked him how all that typically went down and he explained, "Usually it's a drunk guy, maybe with some friends, and he (they) will often ask: "Hey man, you got anything on under there?" And usually I say, "Yeah. My bagpipes. Wanna give 'em a blow?"
I almost fell over laughing.
It was at one of the big gay house parties in the city. As it happens, I bumped into a guy I'd been on a couple dates with. I'd thought we'd hit it off quite well, but then he ghosted on me. By the time we reconnected again, he was in a relationship ...something he only revealed after I sent him a couple risque photos. Forgivable, but not cool. :-/
Anyhow, I tried to be civil: I made some polite conversation and asked what he'd been up to. Then, after he brought up his NEW boyfriend (maybe he simply didn't want me to get the wrong idea, but it came off as kind of cold), he made a snarky attack on my drinking:
HIM:
Ugh, have you been drinking? How much have you had?!
ME:
Uh, it's a Pride party: everyone's drinking. Except for you, being a teetotaler and all.
HIM:
A what?
ME:
Teetotaler. One who does not drink.
HIM:
I've never heard that word before.
ME:
What can I say? I have a 5th grade literacy level.
HIM:
Uh, are you angry at me?
ME:
No. There's nothing to be angry about. Excuse me.
When I was younger, my friend came over and knocked on the door. I opened it and said "I'm sorry sir, Arizona is a red state and we don't allow gay people in this establishment." I went to shut the door and he put his hand out, stopped it, and said "Well, youd better get out then!"
Setting at the waffle house overheard a couple getting increasingly loud when all of a sudden the lady of the relationship stands up and says *that's not what you said when you were eating my pussy last night!" And storms out
When i was a teenager, we had a physics teacher that was not really nice with us. My best friend had one of those big submarinism watchs. And the teacher ask him:
-Nice watch, what can you measure with it?
He answered
- The time.
tjmtjm1 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 05:39:43 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
High school cafeteria, male friend and overweight female friend.
M: Hey F, you got a little bit of your lunch on your chin.
At the end of a haircut that was accompanied by the most uncomfortable conversation I was asked what I thought of her work. I just shrugged and said "it'll grow back" and without missing a beat, she looked at my head and said "hmm, maybe". I wasn't self conscious about thinning hair until that moment.
I had to tip the hat I was stuck wearing for the next month or so to her.
When I was younger I was wooed by a friend's girlfriend; she left him for me and he found out about it. He was understandably upset. There was a mild confrontation but we mended fences and were friends again within a few weeks. One day he was lamenting over his attraction to a female friend of his that he couldn't convince to leave her boyfriend.
I said, "Let me know if you need any tips."
kaos_ ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 06:03:05 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Dude that's like straight up dead mode. Be careful. Also sick burn.
High school. Buddy of mine had a goatee for three years always nice and trimmed. He got rid of it senior year because he was going on some job interviews. This girl who he had a little beef with saw him and started stroking his chin saying "aww you shaved" like she was talking to a little boy. Without missing a beat he strokes her chin and says "aww you too" everyone around us erupts in laughter. She never spoke to him again. He didn't care.
Guy I don't know: "That's cute. I know you have small boobs (points at breasts)."
Cherreh ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 06:10:50 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
A chick at a club was digging into my college room mate for being chatty with a couple of girls one night, saying he was just in doing it to get laid and stuff. He just said "look, I've played hockey all my life and I've probably seen half as many dicks as you have alright" and continued on talking to the girls. I thought it was pretty savage, and hilarious. Fuck that girl.
DJ_Betic ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 06:11:11 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
While going to college for stagecraft we worked in tandem with the acting program to put on a couple shows each semester. During one rehearsal, an actress known for her particularly large ego/bitchyness asked "What are we supposed to do? There's no water in the jug...". To which the director replied "Well you could, oh I don't know, try fucking acting....."
I bloomed quite early, so I had a massive beard quite young. Everyone always gave me shit about it. On this paticular day I took a lot of shit, some flat chested chick said 'you need to shave your beard' and I said 'you need to grow some tits!' At the top of my lung, in front of her friends. I do regret it, though.
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 09:00:57 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I can tell from this post that your beard is t h i n.
Believe me, I wish it was. You have no idea what it's like to be the hairy guy in grade 7. Nicknames like 'hairy scary' along with my quite awkward personality made high school hard. But hey, if you want to believe that everything out of the ordinary (or that you personally still don't have, didn't experience) is a boast, then yeah, I have a really fucking t h i n beard.
BTW: Grow the fuck up.
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 14:54:28 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
This response was not particularly witty or savage. Neither is picking on a girl about the size of her breasts. Perhaps it is you who needs to grow up?
Yeah, well, feeding off of the death of fat people isn't paticularly nice either, she at least deserved it. ( Tone of voice accounts for a lot ), I wasn't trying to be 'savage' or 'witty', once again you are on the childish side. Now go back to your degrading advice and try-hard, trite 'jokes', that have been repeated over and over by many better than you.
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:00:13 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Thanks for the advice. I'll file it under INTERNET.
Hahaha, I was hoping you'd say 'I'm a dude' so I could say 'that's what I assumed!' xD I am getting a bit of a 'tough-girl' vibe, to be honest. Nevertheless, you've been hurt quite a bit in the past, haven't you? Seriously, though, this has been both enraging and entertaining. Have a nice night/day whatever it is on your side of the earth.
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:35:20 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Hahaha, yeah, I'm definitely picking up sarcasm. On the off chance you're being serious, I apologize for making you cry, but you did start it, though. Seriously, besides your weird hatred of fat people, and your quite abrasive(seemingly) nature, you seem quite cool at the center, and that's the most important part.
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:08:28 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
No, I'm just wondering. It seems like you're trying to come off young, but you have some knowledge on stock investments, so you gotta at least be in your twenties. I'm just making conversation. Pretty slow weekend. Spent the whole day insulting each other, might as well.
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:21:21 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I never insulted you. I was just attempting to get you to PM me your panties ;)
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 04:20:28 on September 18, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Nice try. I'm a bot. Beep, bloop, buzz. Your panty beard has no power here.
Zaeter1 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 06:31:08 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
In high school there was a girl who came across super bitchy until you got to know her. She was kinda goth/emo-punk and it wasn't something most people had encountered in our sheltered school lol. I became good friends with her throughout high school, but I'll never forget the first time I saw her.
I was leaving the athletics building and opened the door as she was about to enter and just stopped and stared at her, awkwardly puzzled.
Her: "What, you've never seen a girl before?"
Me trying to make a comeback: "I just.... Didn't know raccoons could talk"
Her: "I'm surprised anything would talk to you"
We laugh about it now, but I'm still salty she got me that good. Not the best savagery, but it rocked my confidence longer than I care to admit
I got accused of sleeping on the job by some dumbass once, and he kept hounding me when I informed him I was just looking down and checking my email. This goes on all day, and at one point he asked what my wife did for a living. Smelling a trap, I said, "she's a prostitute." He shouted, proud, "does she fall asleep on the job too!" Without missing a beat, I said; "eh... with you, maybe."
Mostly only savage because it was from a 4 year old who normally doesn't talk very much.
My girlfriend and I were preparing for a night out, so we were putting her kids to bed for the babysitter(it was about 8:30pm) and I was turning her 4 year old son's tv on for him.
Me: What do you wanna watch, buddy?
Him: Umm...Caillou!
Me: Ugh, I hate Caillou.
Him, without missing a beat: So don't watch it, then!
Takbeir ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 06:44:39 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)*
On public transport in London my friend and I struck up a conversation with a man on his way to see a local West Ham football match.
Noticing our accents, he asks if we're scousers (a nickname for people from Liverpool, England) and which football team we supported. My friend says;
I support Everton but I'm sick and tired of spending my hard-earned-money on watching my team lose every-fucking-week.
An eavesdropping bystander with his 8 year old son (both wearing West Ham replica shirts), took offence to my friend swearing in front of his child and in a smirky cockney twang said;
You're a scouser, what would you know about hard earned money?
Without missing a beat, my friend says;
To be fair mate, pimping your mum out is hard work, she's rough as a badger's arse!
The man aghast, chin dropped, mouth wide open when his son says;
Daddy, what's pimping?
The train stops, the doors open, and we alight with me thinking I may never hear a better put down again.
A friend of mine in high school had some beef with a girl. This girl had a history of breaking her nose, so it was pretty crooked. So one day they got into it and she called my friend ugly ass bitch or something, and her response was, "Bitch, your nose is at a fucking 90 degree angle to the rest of your face. You could be looking at the North Pole and your nose will be watching the fucking sunrise. Who are you calling ugly?"
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 08:08:49 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Meh. I've had better come-backs from your mom. Get it! YOUR MOM!!11!
BazzBerry ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 06:46:13 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)*
Something I once said to my sister. I left a bag of chips on the counter, opened. I was 14 and dumb.
Her: "You never shut things"
Me: "Neither do you."
Her: "What don't I shut?"
Me: "Your mouth"
mindscent ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 07:02:54 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
That is some old redditing right there.
sureredit ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 06:50:03 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Friend was arguing with his girlfriend:
With your skinny needle I barely feel anything.
Well maybe if you didn't have a dumpster cunt you would feel more.
This happened in one of my brother's high school classes. There was a guy talking to some Chinese kid and some Indian kid asked him if his family owns a Chinese restaurant. He said "Does your family work for Dell tech support?"
This was not a comment I made nor was even present for, but a friend of mine works for a parks and recreation department and he was amidst practice because he is coaching a middle school flag football team. This past week, one kid struggled to read the plays his coach had created, so the coach tried to make a joke at him and the interaction went:
Coach: Do you even know the alphabet?
Kid: "Ya, A, B, C, E, F, G, H."
Coach(interrupting): "You already messed up; you missed a letter."
Kid: "The D is out for Harambe."
And Jimmy got roasted, you could tell by the smile on his face. It was the "someone insulted me but I'm going to pretend like it didn't ruin me" smile.
There was this soldier in my unit who was always in trouble for dumb shit, and he got a dui one night while he was on an ambien fueled cigarette run. The next morning in formation the 1sg asked him "were you born with a fucking coat hanger sticking out of your ear?"
CFAinPEI ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 07:02:51 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Overheard a customer talking to someone at work today.
"If bullshit could fly, this place would be a fucking airport."
[deleted] ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 07:03:26 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I am dating this girl in High School and her family has taken me to dinner. At dinner her and her little brother fight nearly the whole time. At one point, after taking a bite of food, my girlfriend asks: 'Do I have anything on my face?' to which her brother replies (without missing a beat at all), 'Yeah, horrible acne.'.
polarlink ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 07:12:09 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
A mate of mine was a bus conductor in the UK. He was standing on the platform at the back of the bus when a woman approached and asked him how long the next bus was. Like a smartarse he answered,"30feet."
She straight away replied,"will it have a shithouse at the back like this one?"
"If I wanted some come back, I'd wipe it off your face."
sylfire ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 07:15:49 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
My friends and I (gay dude here) were sitting in the living room, when one of my friends says "y'know, sylfire, if I were gay, I'd date you."
I looked at him, did a once over up-and-down with my eyes, and said, "nah."
The rest of them will never let him live that down.
KnightNZ ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 07:17:38 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Guy parks in a disabled park.
Me: You got a disabled permit?
Guy flicks me the bird: Yeah, here's my permit.
Me: Sorry, being a lazy c*nt doesn't qualify as a disability.
Exalyte ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 07:25:58 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Many years ago a group of us were stood in the smoking shelter at my work, one guy who we shall call Jim makes a joke about someone's mum, it was in the flow of the conversation I forget the lead up.
So Jim makes this joke directed at Derek, dereks mum had happened to have passed away a few months prior but Jim didn't know this, Derek responds with she died recently, Jim without skipping a beat says "sorry man I thought I just fucked her to sleep, didn't mean to kill her"
Everything went silent while we waited on dereks response, he crumbled into laughter and all was ok but fuck me that was a close one.
When the Stranger Things kids were on Jimmy Fallon, Finn Wolfhard went to pick up a card to read and Jimmy said "can you read?" and Finn said back "can you host?".
That was one of the best comebacks I've ever heard.
One day while talking with some clients, a fellow staff was being roasted by the clients. Normally he is fine and can take it without incident, but today "John Smith" was on a good one.
Client: "you gotta a head shaped like an otter, god damn otter pop looking ass"
John Smith: "If I wanted a cum back, I would've wiped it off your moms chin."
Fuckin' just read it today, after Trump mocked Harry Reid's blindness in one eye with a typical unnecessary jab.
Harry Reid's comeback is so fucking savage: "I may not be able to see out of my right eye, but with my good eye, I can see that Trump is a man who inherited his money and spent his entire life pretending like he earned it.โ
ffffffffuuccckkingg REKTTT Oh muh GAWD
Smack1984 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 07:35:40 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
When I was in high school me and a few classmates had to make a cardboard sign, we needed to cut out a bunch of letters and one of my friends was goofing off and flirting with this girl he liked instead of helping:
Him: I'm going going to cut this with my mind!
Me: Your mind isn't sharp enough to cut tissue paper, get back to work.
This will get buried but one of the guys at college said, "I'm like Harambe in bed cause my dicks out!" Without missing a beat I replied, "No, you're like Harambe in bed because you get shot down"
blayday ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 07:52:33 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I was at walking having a conversation with 2 other colleagues and we got onto the discussion of relationships.
I say "Don't worry about relationships, just stay single and live life like I want to"
One colleague replies "Is that your choice though?"
I had nothing to say back and just stood there, he and the other colleague just laughed.
Hoax13 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 07:53:39 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
There was.a guy I knew but didn't like much. He was a friend of a friend. Ran into him while getting gas and he comes up and says "Hey, my wife's having a baby!" So I said "Is it yours?"
A guy I work with was bragging about having sex with his girlfriend in subway after she closed the store. Another coworker says "that's the first time someone got less than 6 inches at subway"
swutch ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 08:12:46 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Well the jerk store called and they're running out of you!
kmj1147 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 08:14:09 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Guy on a construction site said he once tried to kill himself by tying a belt around his neck and then to a tree. He said that when they found him and took him to the hospital, they ran all types of tests on him and found out he was actually a genius.
Some guy pipes up and said "Genius? You weren't even smart enough to kill yourself."
Tunago_ ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 08:23:21 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
In line at the grocery store there was a Latino guy who could only speak Spanish and the cashier was being a total douche about it. Yeah there was a long line but still. After the Latino guy left the next guy, a native American,steps up and the cashier, starting a convo said "damn people should learn our language before they come to America". The customer then started speaking in a foreign language (we where in Navajo country so assume it's this) and the cashier quickly interrupts, "oh great, not again". The Native American, with a big grin on his face, proudly responds "I'm sorry, I thought you spoke the native language of America".
At a fairly rough pub in a bad area 2 guys try to intimidate me when i went to the bar.
Average size guy pulls up on my left and large guy (over 6'3) wearing a bikie vest on my right both leaning into my personal space.
Smaller guy : Gary doesnt like blow ins around here and hes a mean prick who'll bite the head off a kitten.
Me: old mate here says you like eating pussy
Both guys crack up and give me a nod and a raise of the glass whenever we cross paths all night.
It was the coolest i have ever been.
x_DP_x ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 09:09:31 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
One of my best mates just happens to also be my sister's husband. I can't remember what happen but I slammed him with a joke, he was just sitting there, you could see the wheels turning in his head and trying to come back at me with something better. Enough time passed and I said, "what, no comeback"? To which he replied, "you want my comeback? Get it from your sister".
Sassanian ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 09:09:37 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
It was on a TV show, but it was so savage I almost felt the burn myself. Not sure exactly which episode, but maybe season 2 or 3 of Peep Show. Mark has called out his love rival Jeff to clear the air and talk about who gets to go after Sophie.
Mark passive-aggressively implies that Jeff might feel threatened by him.
Jeff's response:
"There's no threat from you, pal. You could have your cock in her, you still wouldn't have the balls to fuck."
dstoner79 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 09:42:52 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Im trying to remember all of these comebacks in case i use them in a similar situation
petgoats ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 09:51:38 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
My (overweight) brother called my mom a bitch in front of all his friends at a fair
My Mom retorted by saying "Whatever, Stay Puft Marshmallow man"
He no longer likes his friends.
[deleted] ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 10:01:00 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
You're a douchebag!
"That's right, cause after I fucked your mother she smelt better."
-Steve Hofstetter
Mathari ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 10:17:00 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
My friend and I always trade insults and make fun of each other. I was laying into him pretty hard once a d he wasn't saying anything. So I was like "What's the matter don't have a come back?" and without missing a beat he say "If I wanted my cum back I'd get it off your mom's tits"
I wore my new Nikes to work which are a vibrant blue color. One of the guys asked if they came in men's sizes too.
Without missing a beat, I replied "Why? Is your wife looking for a pair?"
Hanging out with a group of friends and one of them, Lenny, was bragging about his new girlfriend and talking about the growing sexual activity. He was going on and on and at one point made the comment,"she calls my dick Nemo". Instantly, I asked "why, because she can't find it?"
laorik ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 11:41:57 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Back in Halo 2 Lan party days our diabetic friend got slammed with this:
DiabeticFriend: Hey [OtherFriend]! I got a 20 KD ratio. Does that make me better than you?
OtherFriend: Hey [DisbeticFriend]! I just drank this 20 oz. coke and didn't die. Does that make me better than you?
Not a savage comeback per say but if someone ever gets a good one off on me I just act like I don't understand it. My friends know full well I understand it but by acting confused it destroys the moment. Paging /u/cakelessknight to confirm this
I made a passing sexual "your mom" joke only to be informed that she truly was dead. Did I apologize? No. My comeback: "Explains why she didn't move much last night."
He went from shock to laughing tears and gave me props for not backing down.
[deleted] ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 12:03:50 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I was getting roasted by a friend and had to change the subject quickly.
Friend was roasting me and I had nothing to come back with so I said...
Me: fuck you
Friend: fuck you
Me: if I wanted my own comeback I would've wiped it off your mums face.
A woman (absolutely stacked) that worked for me walked into my office and asked if I would pay her to go take a nap. This being that kind of job, and me being me, I said "You can just go right ahead and fuck yourself" she responds with "And would you pay me for that?"
I think this is my favorite ask reddit that I've ever read
[deleted] ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 14:36:33 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
A teacher at university was tying into the whole class for people being late...went on for 10 minutes about how disrespectful it is and not to bother coming to class if you are late. She then goes back to teaching.
2 minutes later another guy shows up late and sits down in the front row...teacher starts going off again yelling at everyone and then at the guy.
She finally asks what was so important that he couldn't be on time. He just stares at her with no expression whatsoever...."I was taking a crap". Whole class lost it and the teacher just turned beet red and went back to teaching without saying a word.
There was this guy where I used to work who's mom had died of cancer a few years ago. Anytime someone would be talking and bullshitting he'd throw a "your mom...." he'd also just say your momma jokes all the time. One day he piped up with a your mom line while in conversation in the outside break area, I looked at him dead in the eyes and said "at least mine is still alive." And continued to talk. The reaction of those around us a mixture of shock, disbelief, and uncontrollable laughter.
BlooZebra ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 14:44:53 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
One time when I was maybe 5 or 6 years old and my sister was 3 or 4, we were bickering over something and I let out a traditional "oh yeah, well I'm the oldest so..." hoping to end it and walk away the victor..
According to my dad, this is not the case. My sister, without missing a beat, looks at me and says "yeah, but if we sold you to the butcher, I'D be the oldest!"
In science class when we were suppose to break off into pairs to work on some kind of project. I happened to have my best friend Brent at the time in the class so I basically said let's go to him (to start work).
The teacher calls me out and says "Do you need Brent to hold your hand for you?"
Which I reply "Still more action than you'll ever have in your life" to the 50-year old single woman.
I play cards with and elderly gentleman by the name of Jack. Well i guess gentleman is the wrong word because this guy constantly talks shit. He is probably 90 and talks about how many hookers he fucks, all the while berating the dealers and other players for his bad luck. One night the is a new kid at the table who gets particularly lucky against Jack for a $500 pot and Jack mutters under his breath every cuss word in the book. Fast forward a half hour and the table is discussing who most players look like. The new kid chimes in and tells Jack he looks a little like James Dean, despite his bad mood Jack is quite happy with himself and even cracks a rare smile. Jack then asks the kid if he really thinks he looks like James Dean. The kid replies "yeah i really do, if we dug up James Dean right now im sure you wouldn't be able to tell them apart." The whole table burst into laughter, Jack however was not amused .
[deleted] ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 15:17:31 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)*
A few years ago, when I had first been promoted to supervisor at a large coffee chain, I was working a graveyard shift at a 24-hour drive-thru store, where after 10pm the lobby closes and we became DT-only.
At about 11:30pm, some woman rolls through in her giant SUV and asks for refills on a couple of beverages, but a) we don't do refills through the drive-thru in the first place (this is an extension of the official "free refills within one hour at the same store within the same visit" rule -- if you're going through the drive-thru it's obviously not the same visit and probably not even the same store) and b) you're not supposed to be able to get refills of this particular beverage anyway. I'm working on my supervisor-specific tasks and not really interacting with customers at this point, so the three male baristas are the ones doing all the customer interactions. The one in the window first tells the woman that we can't do refills through the drive-thru, but instead of taking that as "no we can't refill your drinks here," she pulls around and tries to come inside. The doors are locked and I didn't hear the first conversation, so when I see the woman rattling the locked door I have no context for her grumpyface and give her the "go around the building" motion with my hand.
She comes back around and starts yelling at the barista in the window when she gets up there, so I walk over to intervene.
"Hello there! What seems to be the problem?"
"I want a refill of grande passion tea lemonade and a refill of venti passion tea lemonade"
"Oh, well, I'm sorry, but we don't do refills through our drive-thru."
"Yes, that one told me that, and I stood outside your store and you didn't let me in. I'm really embarrassed and I want my drinks now."
"Well, hey, I'm really sorry about that. We actually don't do refills of that particular drink anyway, and we don't do refills through DT because we can't confirm you bought the drink here."
"Well I didn't buy it here, I bought it up in Burlington where they do it for me all the time."
"I'm sorry to hear that another store is not properly enforcing the policy, but I only have the ability to make sure rules are followed at my store."
At this point I feel kind of bad for the woman, so I am about to comp her drinks anyway for all the hassle. But as I start to open my mouth to say so, she screams "You are a HUGE CUNT!!!" at me and floors the gas. Without thinking, I stick my head out the window and yell after the SUV "AT LEAST I HAVE WARMTH AND DEPTH!"
[deleted] ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 16:35:18 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I was queuing behind two snotty young girls in the off licence once and my mobile went off. The ringtone was something nerdy from mass effect, I can't remember what. One of them snorts and goes "Nice ringtone". I said well, I can change my ringtone. You're stuck with that face. Was telling everybody who would listen about that for days.
OneSafari ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 16:42:07 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
In high school I was over at a friend's house and his little brother was doing something in the backyard. He couldn't have been more than 5 years old. I called out to him "Hey Mikey, whatcha got there?" and the little bastard yelled back, "Bend over and I'll show you." I was absolutely stunned. Little five year old grown-ass man.
badfuit ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 17:23:38 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
'I know you are but what am I?'
himurasg ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 17:33:22 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Was riding the tube in hong kong and this couple began arguing loudly in cantonese in the crowded train cabin i was in. Quarrel escalated and ended like so:
Guy: Fuck you and your smell cunt!
Lady: If it's that smelly why do you like to lick it so much.
Cabin erupted in laughter and there was a lengthy applause. Guy got off at the next station.
This probably won't get seen but whatever.
Girl in my Grade 11 class was getting bullied for drunkenly eating live goldfish at a fair, she was a pretty good sport about it at first because that was a stupid thing to do. But one day in my first period History, she came in late and;
Boy: "Something smells fishy in here?"
Girl: "Yeah maybe because you're a gigantic fucking pussy"
Everybody died.
Muzea ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 18:34:13 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Friend was dating a girl 2 years younger than him. 20 and 18. His mom and him got in a screaming fight and she said to him. Why don't I tell all your friends you're dating a 12 year old? He scoffed and replied "I'll just tell all your friends you're dating a senior citizen". His moms like 50 and the husbands 65 or so.
So my dad's girlfriend is universally hated by all of his family and friends. She's scum of the Earth.
My dad is at my grandparent's house one day having some beers with them. We had just lost a dog, and my dad says to them: "I think I want to get another dog."
My grandpa immediately replies, totally deadpan, "Why? You already have a bitch."
Kinalu ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 07:00:12 on September 20, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
My SO and I like giving each other crap on occasion, and this is a good one I did while we were out with friends:
Me: So you're gonna buy me all the things, right?
SO: Sure, let me just go sell myself on the street corner for a bit.
12 grade English class. I was talking during class because our female professor was observably bias in favor of the girls in the class, so I stopped being quiet and respectful. Myself and 2 other males students talked a bit quietly during her lecture. She held us after class and began to lay into us; "When you're in my classroom, you BEST respect me..." I immediately interrupted her and said, "Wait. You call yourself an English teacher and just said, 'You best respect me?!?' ". She stopped and looked at me as emotions swept across her face. She was speechless. I said, "I have to go. I am going to miss my bus" and left. The next day the other two students said they had to stay behind and console her as she was crying, telling her what an asshole I was. I have no regrets. Fuck you, you sexist, Ms. Fox.
boostman ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 05:58:43 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
... our female professor was observably bias
Well, the joke's on you because you didn't learn English.
Girl sees guy friends at adjacent parking space at drive-in diner franchise (sonic, for those familiar with it). She gets out of car and comes to chat merrily for a while with the driver (who is her cousin for a while) ignoring passenger, until driver gets a phone call at which point she just leans back looking annoyed and bored for a minute while driver talks on phone.
Passenger: Sure, don't even say hi to me.
Girl: Oh, I didn't see you there, hey! (runs around to passenger side) Hey, when are you going to bring me that CD I asked you to make me?
Passenger: Oh, the CD you asked me to make, that I found the track listing of, then downloaded all the tracks for, checked against the lyrics to make sure they weren't some random bootleg, made sure they weren't the edited versions, burned off, and printed a label so it looked like it was store-bought that I told you was at my house almost a month ago, and I know you know where it is because you've been there to pick him up before? (points thumb at driver) Why, after all that effort, can you not be bothered to even come pick it up, exactly?
Girl: (with a look of disdain) Well, fuck you, then!
Passenger: Is than an offer, or a sales pitch?
(At her tone the driver paid attention, and at the passenger's statement, his head snaps 90 degrees over to view the scene, and he literally drops his phone.)
Girl: (With a smug look) You wish, you couldn't afford me!
Passenger (With just as smug a look) Why, do they charge by the pound now?
Driver: (quickly putting his truck in reverse) We've got to go.
(Vehicle quickly backs out of parking lot, leaving girl standing there with a look of shock on her face.)
roh8880 ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 04:39:29 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
My brother and my Army recruiter were all hanging out at a bar before I shipped out to basic training when a girl came over and told my brother, "Hey, so I've been watching you all night!"
He replied "Oh yeah? Well go back over there and keep watching!"
Background: A co-worker of mine was being a twat. His mother died during his childhood.
Co-worker: mindlessly being a twat
Me: "You are so fucking annoying, it's like you never had a mother to beat you when you misbehaved."
Co-worker: turns beet red with anger
Me: clocks out and goes the fuck home
The first day of my senior year in High School my AP Biology teacher handed out a test to see where everyone was at. I had the highest grade in the class with a 98, the next highest was a 92. I proceeded to be a giant slacker, slept through class every day and graduated with a 45 in the class.
Meanwhile this other kid, Chris, tried really hard but he just couldn't get it. He would come into school early and set up labs for extra credit, and he would stay after class and ask questions about things he was having trouble with. But despite all that he just barely passed at the end of the year.
The last day of school as we were packing up to leave and the teacher was saying goodbye to everyone he gave me this really sad look and said, "You've got so much potential." Chris was right next to me and asked, "What about me?" "I hope your parents don't waste their money sending you to college."
Technically I didn't hear it because I said it but I'm proud of it so I'm going to share. I was with a group of friends and one had mentioned that he was stood up by a girl who I had previously hooked up with.
Friend: "I was supposed to hang out with Alex last night but she totally blew me off."
I would call you a cunt but you lack the warmth and depth.
wseibert ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 20:38:33 on September 16, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I'd call you a cunt, but you lack both the necessary depth and warmth.
[deleted] ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 22:51:17 on September 16, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Well, this kid at my secondary school, at we were in year 7. school was blind, but he had really good hearing. So these kids would sneak up one him and jumpscare him. So one of them says 'Didn't realise he was retarded too". So he walks up to the kid, taps him on the shoulder. Kid turns around, he takes his sunglasses off. So then the kid say "Your mom has a fetish for blind people. You wouldn't guess she could tell, considering I had her blindfolded and bent over the desk you did your homework on last night. I know you struggled with Question X." The kid's eyes widen in shock. It was the exact question he struggled with. As it turned out, he had followed that kid home two days ago, then asked his mom to use his phone yesterday. He'd found the guys homework while he was at the park. But for two weeks we didn't have an explanation for how he knew, so this kid got fucking humiliated for two weeks straight. It was gold.
[deleted] ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 00:42:50 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
How did the blind kid read the homework?
tylerjo1 ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 02:57:40 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Most of the time Legaly blind people can still see a little.
I want this to be real but I seem to smell some bullshit
[deleted] ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 10:57:56 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
He had a little vision. He was about 70% blind. Probably should've clarified. He could read if he concentrated hard, which is why he wasn't at a school for blind people, but he couldn't do it for a long time, and he couldn't do sports on account of fast moving blurs hurting his eyes. Oh and people liked to tackle the blind kid. He's had surgery now, he can see about 50%.
madkeepz ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 22:41:12 on September 16, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
My boss once told me "missing your mommy?"
I wanted to reply "Every single day of my life, sir. Do you?". Thank god I didn't because I remembered his mother had passed away a few weeks earlier
This silly girl at my college thought she was original and got the word "breathe" tattooed on her wrist. My 27-year old classmate goes up to her and asks "is that a reminder?"
Had a fun working friendship with a coworker who had sickle cell, so he was usually in a weakened state and occasionally walked with a limp on the bad days, one day I was huffin and puffin doing physical labor while also being out of shape.
SC: Come on Big Mac, don't you go having a heart attack on me with yo fat ass.
Me: Yeah whatever you say Tiny Tim. God Bless Us everyone.
I knew a chick who got extremely mad whenever someone told a joke about her, so one day during her bitching I told her "If you can take a dick you can take a joke".
[deleted] ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 04:31:32 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
In college me and my buddy were at his girlfriends room and we were about to go out. She tries some clothes and says to him, "Does this outfit make me look fat?" And he says, "You ARE fat."
kauri22 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 06:52:23 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Probably a bit late, Friend of mine was having an argument with her father, he was being a bit of a dickhead, said something she replied with the most golden comback ever... I'd Call you a cunt, but you lack the warmth and depth.... was just savage.
A little back story here. There was a kid in middle school who had some sort of physical disability. He had leg braces like Jimmy from South Park, but not crutches. Anyways he was a real asshole. He sat out in gym every day and I forgot my clothes so I went to sit in the bleachers with him and a couple other people.
He looks at me and starts chuckling
Him "Too fat to play today?"
Me "I heard they're installing metal detectors at school soon. You won't be able to get in"
Antonio Brown was asked to comment on how much the NFL fined him for twerking in the end zone as a TD celebration against the Washington Redskins in Week 1.
Someone said "don't mess up now" as the person they said it to was finishing up their task. They responded with "I already didn't."
dylanbob5 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:19:34 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)*
This classic Opie & Anthony (with Jim Norton) moment. It's the funniest and most savage comeback I've ever heard.
PREFACE: Travis is one of their staff members. His mother walked out on their family a number of years ago and he hasn't seen or spoken to her since. She's cut all ties to them.
For years, an old coworker would some time catch me while peeing in the bathroom and say: "Shake it more then twice and you are playing with yourself." On day he says it and off the top I reply: "Can't help it, it's like ringing out a beach towel." ... speechless.
I was my buddies when we were younger, drinking and smoking with his mom. They got in an argument and he called her a cunt. She looked him dead in the eyes and said "you're a load i should have swallowed".
kwaalude ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:51:34 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
If I wanted any of your lip, I'd scrape it off my zipper.
SlimGypsy ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:57:07 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
If you were choking to death on your own vomit I'd be inconvenienced having to step over you.
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:03:07 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
"You're literally too stupid to insult." A movie.
Eforix ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:04:24 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
My friend and I were saying we were feeling hot cause the day was very hot outside and as we said that my 3rd friend says "Felt like yalls were getting baked? I bet thats what the jews felt like also." ......I don't know if it was okay to laugh or ...what
I have one! I was in my math class my first year of college. I was a madlad and grew out this wimpy little mustache on my upper lip. This really preppy girl sat in front of me, and one day she turned around and said "You have a wimpy mustache." Without skipping a beat I immediately said "So do you."
Friend was dating a girl who had a four year old daughter. One day, while friends SO was taking a shower, he was instructed to put her in time out if she acted up at all. The daughter snaps at my friend, and he replies, "Oh shush. The best part of you ran down your mother's leg."
Jesus fuck, how many cunts are in this thread that ripped off jimmie carrs joke.
lasrith ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:29:28 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Oh yeah, well the jerk store called and they're running out of you!
breezy84 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:33:34 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I was on a bowling league with a friend of mine. He would usually get pretty drunk throughout the evening and by the last game he'd be pretty obnoxious, and occasionally irritate people. A guy on the team we were bowling against one night was having a horrible night and not bowling well at all. My drunk friend yells out "Dude, have you ever even gotten a strike before?!", to which the guy whipped around and angrily yelled "Have you ever tried to pick your teeth up with broken fingers?!" I started cracking up...I still use that line today.
cutsmayne ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:35:21 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Not really a comeback but it's the first thing i though of.
In my HS junior year math class, a kid got called down to the office during class. As he got up to leave, the teacher stopped him by saying, "You might wanna bring your backpack, the dogs are gonna wanna sniff that too, Sean."
Also worth mentioning the student was a black male. Thankfully the student had a great sense of humor and knew the teacher was joking. Teacher was an old white guy who joked around a lot.
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:48:54 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Do you kiss your mother with that mouth? "No, but I suck my dad with it."
Marconan ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:51:03 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Late to the party but back in middle school I was super proud of a burn I had prepared for my twin brother. I was going to call him a sloppy copy. I'm less than an hour older, the slam rhymed, I just needed the right time.
Near the end of the day the class was lined up in the hall (small school) and he said something snarky. I recognized the audience and timing and smoothly deployed my barbed quip.
Without missing a beat he flatly replied, "says a rough draft"
I know that I'm not in the burn ward as an adult but at the time it truly felt savage.
epsilis ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:54:22 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Ok, to tell this I've got to give a little background. My brother's a bit of an asshole. It was the early 2000's. So he's dating this girl and they're living in an apartment together. She comes home from her shift at the restaurant late one night, he's watching tv in the living room. One of those hilariously terrible infomercials for breast augmentation pills is on. He looks over at her and says hey, we could get some of those for you. She says sure thing. They make ones for your penis too, maybe we can try them out together?
Gat8r ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:55:53 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Skippypal ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:04:39 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)*
A kid on my little league team. He was rather mediocre and rude, but he and his dad had a inflated opinion of himself. A play happened where he threw the ball while on his knees for whatever reason.
His dad goes to congratulate him and it goes like this.
Dad: "Nice play man, threw that one on your knees"
Random kid: "that isn't the only thing he does on his knees"
Somebody once yelled from a car to me "Your girlfriend's fat!" To which I respond with " So is your mom, but I still fucked her!"
sheprof ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:14:12 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
In Vegas for a friends bachelorette. We met a group of guys; long story short one of them got my number and after many drinks proceeded to suggest we go to my room for some very .....racy sexual action. I turned him down gently but firmly - not interested, and a little put off by his insistence/urgency/brazen nature of his suggestions. Eventually our groups parted ways uneventfully.
Later that night, I received a 4 text long ranting message from him that basically said how ugly and fat I was, how old me and my friends were, and how we were going to get increasingly ugly and fat as time went on (?), and how no one would ever love me, etc, etc.
This was 2010. I simply responded "Ok Mel Gibson."
The next day around noon he responded ".......Good one." Never heard from him again.
Vegas!
bewbies_ ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:16:25 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
"You should've been a blowjob your mother spit in the toilet."
I use it to this day. Thanks Corporal VonDoomHammer.
My dad wants my aunt out of his life because she constantly mooches off of him and then victimizes herself by saying "no one helps me" whenever he can't do one thing for her. She was on his insurance - never paid him back, he asked about it she said that no one helps her and no one cares about her, blah blah, blah. He kicked her off. She screamed at him. He screamed at her. Said he hopes her children are put with their other mother (She's a lesbian. They're her biological children, but her ex-partner still has weekend custody over them) for good and hopes she stays out of his life...
She said "My nieces will still talk to me!"
He said "Which one? The one who hates your parenting? The one who you owe money to? Or the one who's bettering herself so she isn't like you?!"
(The oldest hates her parenting, the middle one she owes money too for babysitting 8 hours for 2-3 weeks, and me, the youngest, who's going to school, working, and going to therapy to fix the manipulation/anxiety/depression/laziness problem that she has)
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:17:17 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
A girl got sassy with my friend at a party as a retort to his chauvinism. He replied with "if I wanted that cum back I would of wiped it off your lips." the guys lost it.
darybrain ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:31:01 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Guy sees a pregnant looking waddling behemoth of a woman get onto the London underground during rush hour so offers her his seat: -
Woman: "Fuck you, you fucking bastard! Why, cause I'm feeble. I don't need your fucking macho bullshit. Just fuck off you asshole retard numpty! You're just a silly man."
Guy: "Well excuusse me! Are you are pregnant or just really fat? You're clearly unstable and you need to sit to hide your cankles. Either way move so I can speak to the prettier, younger, and slimmer girl behind you."
My friend and his girlfriend were arguing about whether they should get married. They roped me into their bullshit and I replied, "you should definitely get married because neither of you will do any better".
fixgeer ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 06:04:42 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
...or maybe not because you both suck
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:42:41 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Looks at a guy: " hey we need a virgin sacrifice for a volcano i think you fit the job."
Guy replies: "oh yeah then you should do it"
First guy replies, "naw man i mean in thirty years' time"
Grandmother around her 80's was complaining about "Things not being the right way anymore" and how the world has changed for the worse, nothing new there.
What was beautiful was the comeback her younger sister said "The world hasn't changed all that much and not for the worst in my opinion, you've just been living under a rock for 58 years, so get over it and stop complaining." This is because my grandmother is a borderline a crazy cat lady, who does nothing but nag.
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:47:00 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
In cricket, Glen McGrath vs Eddo Brandes:
McGrath: โWhy are you so fat?โ
Brandes: โBecause every time I fuck your wife, she gives me a biscuit.โ
Whitlam at Sydney Town Hall debating the subject "That Politicians Have Lost Their Sense Of Humour" - "When Sir Winton Turnbull (a Victorian MHR) was raving and ranting on the adjournment and shouted 'I am a Country member', I interjected 'I remember'. He could not understand why, for the first time in all the years he had been speaking in the House, there was instant and loud applause from both sides."
"I get enough of that banging your mom every night"
"I heard, but the funeral home says they're changing their locks, so..."
Bsomin ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:58:36 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Winston Churchill was the of at these:
"If I were you wife I would poison your tea."
"Madam if I were your husband I would drink it"
"You are stinking drunk"
"In the morning I'll be sober but you will still be ugly"
Verone0 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:59:34 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
"That's why your mom is in a fucking wheelchair!"
evoguy58 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:01:42 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
i asked a co-worker "have you ever hung out with yourself? i wouldnt recommend it." he is a douche and i want to punch him in his stupid fucking face everytime he speaks.
Not a clapback strictly speaking, but it was funny and well-timed
A while back I went to a Soundgarden reunion show, and a lot of people there were dressed like it was grunge cosplay night. This one chick had on a tube top, mini skirt, fishnet stockings, and a flannel draped over all of it. She was idly trading barbs with her boyfriend a few places ahead of me in the beer line, and he good-naturedly said she looked like a "grunge prostitute". Without missing a beat, she replied "Yeah, well, Black Hole Sun costs extra."
My family and I always taunt each other with pictures of our food when we go to Cracker Barrel. It's very limited up north and we love it. So I was at hooters and he sent a picture saying , "food bitch." So I got all the hot waitresses together and sent a picture with them saying, "whose the bitch now?" His response.
Was with my brother in the hospital he was getting blood work and the nurse kept ripping on him for having bad veins. He finally got pissed off and said
" a fucking heroin addict can do your job better than you!"
Several years back, got in an argument with a sibling.
The sibling said, "What's your GPA? Oh right, I have 3.8 and you have 3.2. Shut up, go back to your bedroom and study so you aren't such an embarrassment."
EDIT: I also remember back in high school when my parents joked that I would cause a bridge to collapse if I was an engineer.
I am now an engineer. Who could easily cause houses to burn down by letting some certain defective parts get through production and make it into assembly.
I know thee not, old man; fall to thy prayers. How ill white hairs become a fool and jester! I have often dreamed of such a kind of man: so old, so surfeit-swelled, and so profane, but being awaked I do despise my dream. Make less thy body hence and more they grace; leave gourmandizing; know the grave doth gape for thee thrice wider than for other men.
firechaox ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:35:17 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
One time I was arguing with my ex after we broke up, and she's upset because I haven't really wanted to hang out together anymore and she's on a rant, and she finishes with "If you're going to act this way I think I might regret that we went out together", and I just hate bluffs and shit, so I just pull out a "oh really? Because I definitely regret we went out together", and then just walked out. Probably not the most savage I've ever heard, but the lost savage that comes to mind.
Pierre777 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:36:05 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Janice: "Make sure you drop the [TPS] reports in my slot"
Steven Glansberg: "We know. Everyone's been in your slot, Janice"
_agrippa_ ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:38:27 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I was eating chicken (I eat chicken ALL the time, I workout a lot, whole chicken is best bang for my buck) and my sister told me "when will you stop eating chicken? I replied "I don't know, when will you stop sucking dicks?" My mom started laughing her ass off.
*yeah my sister was a big slut 1 year ago.
KoruTsuki ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:49:20 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Heard this from a friend. When a jerk calls you a pussy reply with, "you are what you eat, dick"
publicram ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:51:14 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Another engineer was asking me question that were pretty self evident but wanted me to go into more detail about. I finally said you're asking how a clock works. When all you need to know is the time.
Adiwik ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:53:25 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
if I wanted my cumback I would've wiped it of your moms face.
hotniX_ ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:53:29 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Leaving a club in South Beach I hear two friends kind of play arguing about who's the man.
Friend1: I get twice as many hoes as you do!
Friend2: Two times zero is still zero bitch!
Everyone who was within an earshot cracked up and did the whole "ooooooh" thing.
tshort94 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:54:01 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Two-Face: "Get out of my face!"
Joker: "Which one?"
eshultz ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:54:03 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
If I wanted my come back I'd slap your mother in the mouth
In high school I was challenged to a game of one-on-one basketball by this guy on the lacrosse team; I check him the ball and as he's dribbling he decides to trash talk and says, "You should just give up like your ancestors?"
He caught me off guard, drove past me, and missed the layup
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:54:43 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Not so much a comeback, but this really annoying short kid was talking about how vitamins help you "grow". I told him he was a good example of that.
cghorse66 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:55:30 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
"THAT'S WHY YOUR MOM'S IN A WHEELCHAIR"
iLL_Cobi ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:56:54 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I was workin and listening to Yellow Brick Road by Eminem. Rapping along with it I get to the chorus "Follow the yellow brick roadโฆ" before the line finished this chick I used to talk to says "oh you goin to find a brain?" I replied "Yeah but at least I have a heart." Other coworkers laughed and she turned red. With that retort it would appear my brain was not lost.
Paradoxyc ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:57:05 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
So back in college we were at a buddy's house having beers. Subject went to hockey two guys disagreed and it ended up escalating to them basically making fun of each other and not in a fun way.
Then it all ended with one comment. "Oh yeah? At least my mom has hair".
The other guys mom was going through chemo for breast cancer at the time.
Had to break up a fight. I guess the comeback wasn't as much vicious as it was stupid.
Smurved ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:59:21 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
There was a kid in high school who's Dad died when he was 4. It was around Christmas time so people in class were talking about what the wanted. This kid turns to me and says:
"You probably won't get anything cause your family is poor."
I looked him dead in the eye and without hesitation I said:
"At least my whole family will be together for Christmas."
Girl just got out of PFit class (personal fitness? I forgot what the p stood for), and she's laying down on the floor of the math classroom. Teacher strolls on in.
Teacher: Why are you laying on the floor?
Girl: Ughhhh, PFit is sooo tiring....
Teacher: PFit? More like unfit.
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 04:03:42 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Years ago when i was living with some friends we had some people over to hang out. We were all drinking and having a good time, i was getting particularly drunk, just chilling listening to the conversation. Someone was talking to someone else about some sort of minor surgery, i cant remember what it was. Someone else chimes in, "well, even minor surgery has risks of complications." not even 2 seconds later my drunk ass says "yep, just ask kanye." (kanye west's mother had just died at the time from complications of a boob job and ab tuck which he paid for and arranged)
Sometimes when my friends and I try to insult each other one of us just says "Stop talking about yourself in 2nd/3rd person."
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 04:06:40 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Girl we know got into a pretty bad motorcycle accident while drunk. So a couple years later she still had some bad scarring. A friend of ours didn't know her at all and was wearing a tir-die colored billabong Hoodia. She walks in a party and goes "wtf happened to your hoodie" and he replys "what the fuck happened to your face".
after a friend's father abandoned his family:
You know it broke your dads heart to leave your mom like that. she was the love of his life, but he just couldnt stand you.
My buddy was wearing a Texans jacket in downtown Indianapolis. This one legged guy in a wheelchair who's always downtown shaking a cup says "haha we whooped yer asses" and my friend said "well I guess it's a good thing I can still walk then"
You know why I'm fat? Because every time I'm done fucking your mom she makes me sandwiches.
Fudgms ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 04:45:13 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Got into an argument on here about either spanking or yelling at your kids and whether or not it's okay. The guy claimed that it causes issues in the kids and adds distance in the relationship. I could have respectfully disagreed and had a civil discussion about it, but he got hostile and dumb (literally claimed that psychology is a black and white science...).
I told him thats how i was raised and my father and I don't have a strained relationship and that it can be used if done properly, and that he is just a shitty parent.
Eighth grade. A classroom. For some reason, one of the popular girls is painting her nails from her seat beside me, and makes a joke about loving the smell of nail polish. Her friend tsks and says, "If you keep doing that you'll kill your brain cells."
I raise an eyebrow at the scene and look away, muttering, "What brain cells?"
I freeze as I realize it was the rudest thing I've ever said. The girl froze too, but instead of biting back she just laughs nervously, finishes up her paint job, and looks away.
I should've been a bitch my entire elementary school career.
Tampaburn ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 04:46:21 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Do actions speak louder than words?
I'll repost from myself in /r/pettyrevenge
So, I was minding my own business this last Sunday. Just shopping at a grocery store and prepping for a nice day with football and beer. Kinda hungover from the night before and in my own little world. I'm torn...Do I want verde or red salsa for my chips?
Out of no where, this entitled crab of a human being derailed my train of thought and hollered "Hey big guy, MOVE!!!". It would turn out, she(I think it was a she) thought I was in her way. But here is the thing. I wasn't in her way. There was 4 feet behind me and could've easily maneuvered around.
So as crab bitch waddled away, she set her basket on the ground to peruse range dressings. In a quick stroke of petty vengeance, I picked the basket up and set it snugly on the top shelf. Crustacean Carla was a wee lobster, and couldn't possibly reach it.
As I rounded the corner, I could hear her start to get worked up.
Not as savage as some of the stuff I've read on here but it helped solve my bully problem.
This guy in my class was constantly bullying me in my first few weeks of high school.
One day in English we were doing improve speeches to help build our confidence talking in front of the class and I had to talk about sickness.
I was so fed up with this guy so when my turn came around I just stood at the front and said "being sick is like looking at [bully's] face".
Never got picked on again by him after that day.
I'm sure it was planned, or written by writers, but it was still great. Jon Stewart was asking Stephen Hawking about multiple universes:
JS:"So somewhere there's a universe where I'm smarter than you?"
SH: "Yes, and there's even one where you're funny."
Nettius2 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 07:03:00 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Stephen Hawking makes facial ticks to help someone try to figure out what letter he's trying to write. It is extremely tedious to write anything down. Sorry, but it was scripted.
to help someone try to figure out what letter he's trying to write
Not quite. His system selects words. Yes it is slow, but I have seen him in person answer real-time questions from the audience with no assistance. He just needed a few minutes.
That said, of course you're right about it being pre-programmed. I was just wondering if he came up with it himself.
Nettius2 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:25:50 on September 18, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I hadn't thought about it in a non-scientific context. This does sound more efficient.
When scientific writing papers, he has a grad student guessing letters and trying to finish his sentences. Often a word is enough to get the student pointed in the right direction and quickly finish his thought.
sirgog ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:00:42 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
"I hope one day to be half as good as you think you are"
Student: So I got a 0 on this group assignment but our group got the full 20 points. (I am pretty sure the student misread the score vs out of how much since it was an extra credit assignment).
Teacher: I was actually scoring your worth as a person.
Class lost their shit. For context, this was very recently at a college that we had all just started. This was the 4th class of the year. LOL
Ploxzx ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 05:05:20 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I'm in the Air Force. Was standing in formation when a first lieutenant (O-2) approached us and got in an argument with our Chief (E-9). LT asked why the chief didn't salute him since we were outside. Chief told him:
"Why dont you climb up my stripes and get it."
Even though I was at attention and couldn't move, that was the most hyped I've ever been to be enlisted.
For those that aren't military, our highest ranking enlisted rank is a Chief Master Sergeant. And even though they have been in for a long time, sometimes 20+ years, the lowest ranking officer who is straight out of college still technically out ranks him.
Back in middle school my step sister at the time introduced me to one of my best friends. Well, one day they had an argument and he said something he shouldn't have cause she did something she shouldn't have and my step mom said we couldn't hang out until he said he was sorry. Well I told him that and we met at the end of the court and he said, "Hey, I'm really sorry...sorry that I ever met you." And then looked at me shrugged his shoulders and walked home. I got grounded for laughing..
about a famous british billionare. Daughter brings husband to meet dad after their wedding and this is how the conversation goes:-
daughter:- dad meet X. Wouldn't he make an excellent husband?
dad:- Certainly, He would be an ideal first one.
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:03:00 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
[deleted]
locotx ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:14:21 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
... imagine when it's fully erect.
Liteup ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:03:27 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Turned on some Amity at a party a girl says it was shit, my mate turns to her and simply said "You're shit". She goes all sarcastic, clapping and saying "Oh what a comeback, I so wish you would take that back". Without missing a beat, my mate turns on his heels and says to her "If I wanted my cum back I'd wipe it off your teeth". She cried, we laughed.
emberkit ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:03:28 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
My dad and his friend were messing around during p.e. The teacher pulled them aside and asked, "you want to grow up to be a dink? "
"Naw, I want to grow up to be a middle gym teacher."
"Well, the Jerk Store called, and they're running out of you."
monxas ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:04:11 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
4am in the morning. A friend talking with a girl he knows. Out of the blue a (male) friend of the first who doesn't know the girl walks in and say to the girl:
-you smell like a man
Without missing a beat, the chick said:
-thank god I haven't been with you. If so, I'd smell like pussy.
Leaving a bar after a few drinks with my lady and friends. Its a very small bar so if anything happens everyone can witness it.
I am also very tall (6ft 7in). So as my gf and I are walking out of the front door a short petite sorority chic, two friends and her frat boyfriend enter right as we leave.
We almost run into one another and she looks up and with discuss all over her face says "your tall"! Without missing a beat I reply "I can titty fuck you standing up!"
The bar comes to a pause.... Pool player stop, people pause, and everyone at the bar turn to look. There at that moment she had nothing. Complete shock along with her girlfriends. Her fratboy boyfriend couldn't/wouldn't do anything since I am drunk and literally twice his size.
My girlfriend didn't wait to see what happened. She pushed me out the door and took me home. This happened over ten years ago now but my girlfriend/wife still loves to tell this story to friends over beers..... It was a good night.
My grandfather is pretty sarcastic and witty, and he always makes fun of me in good fashion, so one day I tried to get him outside with "oh look an an ancient relic! It moves."
Grandfather: "Oh look. A pile of bird shit. Oh. It's my granddaughter "
Like holy shit
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:11:01 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Girl named Mariana was saying after a party that she should be called "butterfly.
She was my bf's brother and a total bitch. I told her: "is your name Joanne too?", she said no and i replied "you look as much as a Joanne as you look like a butterfly". Everyone lost it.
Was shopping for snacks and general whatchamacallits with my roommates, when we bump into two girls from a rival college. Banter is exchanged, we go separate ways. Bump into them a second time, and they start saying things like "Oh, are you stalking us now?" and they walk away laughing.
Run into them a third time, because it's a small town with only one Walmart. Again, "You guys must be really into us, huh?" I respond with, "You're alright, but you're not my type." One girl is laughing her ass off, the other is momentarily shocked but launches into a whole rant about how she is out of my league and such.
Kind of a missed opportunity, they both were pretty attractive, had a good sense of humor, but I never saw them again.
The poem you gave to a girl who didn't like you about your mourning for a dead dog you never had was written on stolen notebook paper and had sad rhymed with bad twice.
A guy at my school got made fun of by some girl so he so graciously retorted, "well look at you, you're a fucked up abortion. They couldn't kill you"
I've heard a lot of shit but that stuck with me
Nihilates ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:12:26 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
A really self centered Irish musician / gypsy scumbag who married into my family in order to stay in the US once spent a whole half hour trying to dazzle me with his "wit and charm" at Thanksgiving dinner. I rolled my eyes through most of it, but I caught the last thing he said, "a great Irish storyteller once told me that the only reason we write things down is so that we can forget them," to which I immediately replied, "that sounds good, I should write it down." He grimaced and left me alone.
Some women at a restaurant at the table next to us commented about how someone at our table left a lot of their food on their plate as we were walking out and how there were children starving in Africa. My friend quipped back with "and I bet you still wipe your ass with 3-ply right?" And walked away. The look on her face was amazing, only one upped by her husband/boyfriend/SO trying to hold in his laughter.
R0CHEF0RT ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:16:08 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Was reminded of this one on r/jokes the other day from Winston Churchill:
Churchill: "Madam, would you sleep with me for five million pounds?"
Socialite: "My goodness, Mr. Churchill... Well, I suppose... we would have to discuss terms, of course... "
Churchill: "Would you sleep with me for five pounds?"
Socialite: "Mr. Churchill, what kind of woman do you think I am?!"
Churchill: "Madam, we've already established that. Now we are haggling about the price
My youngest brother is one of the sweetest people. He is a giant teddy bear of a guy. But he can cut you right to the bone if need be(all of my siblings and I have that ability. Thanks mom).
He was on his college campus, sitting in the library studying. Two girls are sitting in close proximity, having a louder than necessary conversation. Girl A is chunky(apparently less attractive according to brother, but not unfortunate looking), Girl B is sporty, cheerleader type.
A: Ugh, i feel so fat
B: You look great!
Blah blah blah girl noises.
Conversation continues on in this vein.
Brother to Girl B: I think you look nice.
B: scoffs I only like being complimented by attractive guys
Brother(is gay, does not give a jolly green fuck, is simply a nice person): Hey, well maybe if you swallowed some of the makeup you have caked on your face, you could try to make your insides pretty too.
My best friend came in late to school one day and was hurrying up the stairs when she fell. There was a guy walking behind her that saw and remarked "That was a fail" to which she replied "So was your dad's condom." I've never been prouder to be her friend.
Alt-Tabby ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:22:09 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
After telling a joke that fell flat, someone chimed in.
"Wow, that must have sounded a lot better in your head!"
My dad came up to me with fruit in his hand and I asked if it was a pear. His response was, "No, it's just one."
New_L ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:28:46 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Late but once when I was younger my dad(who rarely says negative things) was driving and this lady bolts across the street and nearly gets hit. My dad slams on the breaks to avoid killing the lady when she yells and calls him a "Motherfucker!" Dad calmly but loudly says, "then maybe you whores should stay off the streets!" Took me 5 years to understand what it meant.
ikedag808 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:29:03 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
When someone gives you shit about how you are doing your job the correct response is: Hey I don't come to your work, slap the dick out your mouth and tell you how to do your job.
During our final year of highschool everyone was studying for their exams in economics class. It was quiet and a student who was usually slow at learning finally understood the theory and rejoiced "I finally get it now! It all makes sense!" Then the most quiet student in class on the otherside replied "fucken great did you want a medal?!". Needless to say the class went crazy and no one could study afterwards
cwatz ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:30:33 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Lady Nancy Astor: Winston, if you were my husband, I'd poison your tea.
Churchill: Nancy, if I were your husband, I'd drink it.
zaq0920 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:30:39 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Not an original line but I did use it. "Oh that's awkward cause I have a boyfriend" that's okay I'll just give you my number and you can call me when you break up
Buried but in highschool we and the blokes were shootin it up at the cafeteria table. Now one of my buddies is the nicest/ realist person out of all of us, and his elder either has Down's syndrome. Anywho we are chatting and my same friend says something that probably wasn't the "smartest" way to word what he wanted (you know, just learning stupid misconceptions you have from your childhood) and the kid across from him says, "That's retarded, but I guess it runs in the famil..." his hand smacked his mouth and everyone let out a gasp and then laughter.
Falchus ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:34:23 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
"I hear you do strange things to your ships Khan."
"I hear you do strange things to your warriors."
Matech ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:36:29 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I was playing WoW and we were mid raid, because fucking nerds. So one guy who happens to be a brother says, "hey J you're a white boy, what's cantalope taste like?" So I don't miss a beat and say, "you're a black guy, what's watermelon taste like?" You could hear his family over vent laughing and one of them yelled "buuurrrrnnnnn".
It was mighty epic. We didn't finish the raid that night either as it went into chaos at that point. We got the lich king the next weekend though. Because fucking nerds....
dezeiram ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:40:12 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I was at dinner with my boyfriend and our mutual friends for a birthday in the group yesterday. I've been dating this guy for a couple of months. I'm the new youngest in the group, since I'm 18 still. So N says "man J, you're still the baby! Only 19 years old."
I raised my hand, and he says "nah you're temporary."
mjoallie ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:40:54 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Man, 8th grade...This guy was picking on this girl saying how nobody liked her and that she didn't have any friends, finally she snapped back with.."yeah, well at least my dad liked me enough to stick around." He was stunned, turned around and was silent the rest of the ride home. His dad left his family about 6 months prior. Pretty fucked, but he deserved it.
Overheard a conversation during art class between two of my classmates on who their preferred partner was when one of them shouts across the room: "Woah hold on, I don't swing that way!". Our teacher stops whatever he was doing, turns his chair and says: "[insert name], you don't swing at all."
He and our art teacher had this weird love-hate relationship, but this sparked an everlasting war that would last through many generations.
liquidh2o ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:41:44 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Waiting at the hospital, my four and thirteen year old daughters are trying to get under each other's skin....
4YO: your count is low.
Teen: What count? It has to be a part of your body, like your white blood cell count.
4YO: Your brain cell count is low.
Zeruvi ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:42:58 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Told by me accidentally. I didn't even think it through I just blurted out a retort and it turned out to be amazing.
Girl on bus: Are you gay?
Me: You're making me
wembit ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:43:01 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I hope the make a wish foundation can't find a good celebrity for you.
Amrokmfc ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:44:41 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Arguing with an ex a long time ago, she went off about having to deal with all these different things and tried to guilt me into getting back with her and helping her. My response:
"You are the source of all your problems." and walked away.
"I don't hate you because you're black, I hate you because you're a cunt"
-guy who had the race card pulled one too many times
febfebfeb ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:46:18 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
This is not a good story and doesn't make me look like a hero so I'll keep it short.
One of my friends was backing out of an undertaking we'd committed to, and I was mildly upset so I said "well, I guess quitting runs in the family!"
Her dad committed suicide several years earlier.
(My dad's dead too and we often make really dark jokes about our dead dads that no one is allowed to laugh at but us, but the savageness of this burn still haunts me. She didn't seem too upset but I wish I hadn't said it.)
My little sister, around 7 at the time, was sent to her room by my mother. About 15 minutes later my mother calls her into the living room for a chat.
My sister walks over to the counter and puts her head down with her arms over her face, waiting to get bitched at for being a little twat earlier. My mother asks "are you ready to stop acting like a little brat"... without missing a beat, my little sister looks directly into my mothers eyes and says with a runny nose "you better start being nice to me or I'm gonna saw your neck off".
Not really clever... just savage.
Pace2pace ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:48:36 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
This was about three years ago, about two months after my dad died.
Me: Your dad's a sexist
Friend: Don't call my dad a sexist
Me: What about fat? Can I call your dad fat?
Friend: Your just jealous because your dad is dead
Me..........
lilpipi7 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:49:43 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Super late but this happened when my daughter was 3.
I was out helping my mother-in-law with some house work when my daughter walks up getting right in the way. I politely ask her to move out of the way a couple of times and she doesn't. My MIL comes and sternly tells her to move and she says "NO"
My MIL then says "Excuse me?! Who do you think you're talking to"
My daughter replies "I'M TALKING TO YOU"
Guy A, A kid I grew up with had a brain tumor around 7th grade and had to get some of his brain removed. We were at a Young Life meeting 4 or 5 years later in high school. guy B was a football player, not the most popular or brightest guy around. Guy A and guy B have a small disagreement which ends with B calling A retarded. A stands up, walks to the front of the room where there's a microphone. He pulls the mic off the stand, turns it on and says "at least I didn't get rejected by the University of (state school that almost everyone with a C average from my school could get into.)" proceeded to drop the mic and walk out without saying a word to anybody and just left as the room erupted. A is still kinda fucked up, B is a cop now.
Rudycrown ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:51:09 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
A friend was breaking up with a girl and said "you're Sunday's paper and today's Thursday" shit was over after that line
Makiau1 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:52:42 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
"Me and your mom weren't and still aren't ready for you, you little prick"
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:52:52 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
A student told me I do cocaine every day. I told him, "No, that's your mom when she was pregnant with you."
History teacher busted a pen in his pocket, heard it about 10 times, larger student says "Hyatt you got ink on your shirt" "at least I don't have to go to Omar the tent maker to get another." Same teacher, any time Girl was late to class "Jennifer why don't you pull up a couple chairs and join us?"
After my cousins wedding, 3 friends and I went to a bar to continue the night. One of these friends was a girl named Julie, the other 2 were guys.
It was raining, so when we stepped out for a puff we went to duck into an ally way for some cover. One of the patrons of the bar shouted out to us in an antagonizing tone,
"Are you going to go rape her back there?"
I responded,
"At least we're getting some!"
Laughter erupted from everyone in earshot.
When we came back after the puff, the guy was all fists as soon as I came out of the ally. I was hammered, but still had the wits about me to cradle my head... block my ears with my wrists and face with my forearms and elbows. It ended after I took a pummeling, but no real damage was done.
The bartender said the guys were trying to pick fights all night. Being assholes to everyone.
hoboshoe ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:56:08 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
It was the PE swimming unit and I was sitting on the non-swimming block because I forgot to do my math homework. so me and this guy were having a roast, and he pulled some shitty insult about my glasses. to which I responded
"The sun's doing a better job of roasting me than you are"
I'm a pretty mild mannered person and never have quick wit but I was going into work one day and my pants were sagging some and a girl I worked with who was 25(I was 17 at the time) said, "pull your pants up!" And without seconds hesitation I said, "pull yours down bitch!" Coworkers couldn't believe it and neither could I
cl0rkw0rk ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:58:13 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
"I've been to a place you've never been before"
"I've never been that deep into your mom"
So my ex-boyfriend and his friend got into a fight because my ex called his friend's girlfriend a fat whore. Ex's friend gets angry and says that he and his gf think (I) dress and look like a white trash transvestite. Ex comes back with "At least she'd be wearing trash and not eating it along with the fucking can it came in, unlike your girl."
Got a nice laugh out of it. Not to be petty, but it's pretty relative that ex and I were both wealthy and rather well dressed, and the girlfriend in question was also a bit overweight and promiscuous.
kaos_ ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:59:03 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Patton Oswalt has been burned a couple of times on Twitter recently. We're talking hyperdimensional 5D nuke burns. Like, as a reader, I read that and just went looking for ice and water right away.
TaedW ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:59:31 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
OnfiyA ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 06:01:07 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
This girl was annoying the shit out of me for a while and we were sitting on a bench and she has a lighter and goes "Can I burn your leg hair?" Without hesitation I replied "No, can I burn your mustache?" My friend next to me died
I was tending bar one evening with a co-worker who I almost always work with. He and I give each other shit as much as possible. He has the bad habit of setting down bottles or rags or wine openers..pretty much everything..in places they don't belong and then freaks out when we are getting slammed and he can't find shit. I give him hell for this because it makes me crazy. This particular night, we were getting our asses handed to us and I am looking for something...bottle of liquor or some shit and I can't find it. I'm flipping out yelling for him to help me locate what I'm looking for. He calmly reaches over and picks up what I was searching for, looks me dead in the eyes and says..."If it was a dick you would have found it."
I had no words. I just high-fived him and we both bust out laughing.
Girl in my class said to my male friend "Wow, Friend, your chest is so big!" Proceeds to touch chest. "Oh nevermind, it's just air." Girl that sits across from her quickly replies "I could say the same about you."
I'm high school we were playing basketball and my friend Chachi has spots all over his skin. Idk what it's called but he has it all over. Well anyways this one dumbass calls Chachi a dalmation and Chachi says "don't be mad i fucked your mom 101 times bitch" ahhh man everybody just died. It was so funny.
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 06:04:16 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Man: "You need a man to help you with that?"
Woman: "Yeah, maybe we should find one."
kaos_ ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 06:12:08 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
LOL! More like help me find a gun first so I can shoot myself.
There is this one prick at school who keeps fucking trying to pick in me. Like tripping me and shit. Here's the thing though, it became personal when he bent my glasses. This mother fucker was a junior on the football team, and I was a weak senior, this fucker could kick my ass in a fight so getting physical was not an option, so I decided to dig up as much dirt on him as I could. Background checks on his family, stalking his Facebook. Finding his Instagram which gave me his twitter (not used since 2014) and snap chat. Surprisingly the dirtbag had an ask.fm that hadn't be used in a year. During this all of this I find out that his dad is absent literally everywhere. I don't know why but I can't even find a name of his dad anywhere, I decided to use that as ammunition against him. He also liked to make fun of me, kept calling me a failure and whatnot.
Now here's the deal. The coach of that gym class knew that this dude had been picking on me for some time and decided to pull me aside, I told him it's fine, and that I can handle it.
A few weeks pass after I find my ammo, he keeps harassing me, the other people in gym class know this is happening, they want to report it to the counselors, but I tell them to hold off. I did not want it to end like this.
We were playing 30 yard fight one day, his team was on offense while mine was on defense. I was the designated rusher at the time.
He said something about me being a failure and I responded with "at least I have a dad, prick."
He didn't like that at all. The moment the qb called hike, he ran me over, I got back up though. It was like that for the next 3 plays. We lost that round.
After gym one of his friends pulled me aside and said to me that I crossed a line. I asked him why was it acceptable for him to push me around verbally but when I retaliated I was suddenly an asshole. Whatever he was going to reply with didn't come out of his mouth. He stopped and looked at me, I could sense shame in his voice. He asked how did I know, I told him that all I needed was a name, face, computer, 24 hours, and some motivation. And my motivation was my want for revenge. I promptly turned around and walked away. Blasting Carpenter Brut.
kaos_ ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 06:11:13 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Neo from The Matrix, folks. 2 more sequels to go. You simply won by walking away, too. Good on you.
Honestly, I wasn't kidding about any of this. If you use the same username all across the internet, then it will come back to bite you. If you look up my username right now, many things, 2 of them are really important.
My twitter.
a fluffy booru account. (Finally figured out how to delete that thing)
Don't look up fluffy booru it's terrible.
however, with my twitter, it would have given you a name (4 people in the US have my name) and a face. Just because my Reddit username was the same as my twitter. A quick search on facebook later, and you know who I am, what school I go to, and who my parents are.
What I am saying here is that everything is connected in one way or another. You just need to know what steps to take. Here is what I want you to do. I want you to find out what my name is, and where I live. And I want you to PM it to me.
I have a friend who used to be "brony". We went to high school together and there was this girl in our math class who supposedly had a physically abusive boyfriend. Well my friend had a few my little pony patches of his backpack, and she made a snarky comment about it. My friend replied, "oh yeah, well at least my boyfriend doesn't beat me." To be fair, she was kinda awful.
at the state fair a clown in a dunk tank was making fun of a younger meek-looking boy with braces. Saying he'd never get a girl and whatever would get the attention of nearby people. Instead of walking away the boy stood there and took it and you could tell he was starting to feel really sad.
After a minute or two the boy walks over to the cage and says just loud enough for people paying attention to hear:
"I know you try to egg people on but unlike you I have parents who care about my health. That's why I have braces. And unlike you my future isn't making fun of teenagers at a fair because that's all you're qualified to do. My choices in life will lead me to success and not whatever sorry mess you call your life. So have fun tearing people down because you're dead inside. It's not going to be me."
Edited for spelling
hamdude6 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 06:06:21 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
My 8 year-old old cousin and his father (my uncle) were having one of many verbal arguments. In this particular incident, my cousin told his father where he could shove it. His father, exasperated with his son's audacity, said "I would never talk to my father like that." My cousin replied, "I would never talk to your father like that either!" My uncle had to leave the room to keep from laughing.
kaos_ ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 06:07:59 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
100% young brute! Awesome. I am loving this thread.
My friend since childhood refused to go to another one of our friend's wedding because said friend initially forgot to invite him. He was telling an old roommate about it, who agreed with me that he should go.
My friend is like "Well, it's X's wedding. I am just going to stay home, its not like there are going to be any hot girls there." His old roommate was like "Yeah, well there aren't going to be any hot women at your house either."
Tidlywank ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 06:07:24 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
"Lenny Small and Helen Keller could have a crack baby that Lenny gets to hold and it'd still be less retarded than what you just said."
I play Poker every Saturday with a couple of co-workers. One of them is super into weight lifting. He isn't very smart either. If you get into a verbal disagreement with him and back him into a corner he starts spouting off his lifting numbers. He's very proud of the fact that his Dead Lift, Bench Press, and Squats total to a 1000 lbs. A week ago, he went all in on top two pair fairly early in the game. One of the better players in our group called him and got a flush on the river. Sir Lifts-A-Lot gets up from the table and says "This is fucking bullshit! This game sucks! I'm not playing Poker anymore! You all suck!" He very aggressively gathers all his belongings and storms toward the door. Before went out the door I shouted my proudest right-hook of a comeback line!
"Wait! We don't even know how much you lift yet!!"
He was so angry that when he slammed the door it popped back open, so he had to awkwardly come back and gingerly shut the door.
hjai ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 06:08:40 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
A buddy of mine painted his mustang a bland white and I was ribbing him about it. He said, "Man, this is showtime paint!"
I replied, "Yea, it's sho' time to paint yo' car!"
An adopted kid in middleschool was fighting and th3 other guy ended it with "at least my parents loved me enough to keep me " .. ended. Done. Kid ran off sobbing.
boonies14 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 06:14:46 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
As a kid that was adopted, that would have been the green light to start swinging.
boonies14 ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 04:55:41 on September 27, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Ok, I was adopted by two "simple" people (as was my older sister who I am not blood related). I don't mean that as an insult, they are just plain, salt of the earth country folk. Neither of my parents have any education beyond high school. Both were school bus drivers, which isn't exactly a high paying job but I never wanted for anything. They coached all of our basketball teams as a youth and supported everything we did 100%. We grew up on a farm and worked hard like most people that are trying to get by in a rural setting. From the time we could understand what college was, our parents drilled into our heads that if we wanted to go to college we had to do it through scholarships because they simply didn't have the means to pay for college. Both my sister and I graduated valedictorians (both of us excelled in sports and other school activities, we weren't just nerds). We both graduated from college debt free and both started out making about as much as our parents combined. Looking back, the only way that was possible was the sacrifices our parents made for us. They taught us many great lessons that kids that have everything handed to them never learn. For example, my mother's brother is a veterinarian with piles of money. He raised three kids who never wanted for anything and took a long path to get through school (which he paid for) and one of his kids is still in college at 35. Why? Because they always knew they could fall back on daddy. Now, that's great that he has the ability to help them to the degree he did. But my sister and I always knew our parents didn't have the resources to be safety net. So when we left home for college, we know that from then on out everything was on us. Now, this all sounds like typical great parents that millions of kids have across the country, but what makes it so special for my sister and me is the alternative. Both of our biological moms were single teenage mothers. There is no way that we would be the people we are today without our adopted parents even with the worlds greatest teenaged single moms.
One of the most memorable burns occurred when I was bartending in university. There was a smoking hot chick up at the bar when it was crowded, and this one half drunk guy who was just relentlessly trying to pick her up.
When she had finally had it with his advances she turned around, made direct eye contact and yelled:
"do you remember your first blow job?"
The bar kinda went silent and people started paying more attention to their interaction.
Being a bit more nervous now that lots of people were focusing on him, with a shaky voice he responded with :
"uhh, yeah. I do"
Seizing the opportunity, the girl instantly came back with:
"did you spit, or swallow? "
The bar erupted in laughter, and the guy wallowed away, defeated. He certainly didn't try that again anytime soon.
Couple years ago I fucked up something at work (can't even remember what) and I had told my mother about it via text. She texted me back saying "Kids are like pancakes, the first one is always a fuck up"
Roomate 1 had a bunch of people over late one night. Roomate 2 stormed out of his room drunk and pissed off. One guy, that I had never met, that wasn't aware that Roomate 2 lived here, talked some shit about him being so frantic and mad.
Roomate 2: What the fucks going on fam?
Guy: I ain't your fam!
Roomate 2: Exactly, so get the fuck out!
mp4l ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 06:13:59 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Late to the party, and don't have original post to link to but the redditor whose kid called then a Dinosaur Hammer.
BigDMcQ ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 06:14:40 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
My buddies took me out to the city for a stag party before I had my kid. When we had a bit to drink on the ride over and got out of the car and were hanging outside of the club collecting ourselves. This old guy in an electric wheelchair comes up and without saying anything honks a horn at us and is grumbling something rude. We backed up and my normally apologetic self turns to a buddy and says "Hey isnt it called a sidewalk?" as he rolls past me.
An old teacher from the grade before popped into our class where we were doing some worksheets on the topic we had just learned. He just came to say hi to his old class and then one of his less favourite students whose not the academically brightest yells out "I need help!" and the teacher replies "I specialize in science not life"
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 06:15:18 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
"Fuck you!"
"Fuck yourself, you'll get more pussy!"
Always my go to, from SLC: Punk!
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 06:17:10 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Couple of people and a friend were doing... activities at said friend's house. I didn't partake because I'm not about that. Don't recall what my friend said, but the dude responded, "What? Are you gonna get in trouble with your parents? Are they gonna come down from upstairs?" My friend's mom lives in another state, and his dad ran out on them when he was too young to care. Dude didn't know this. We all went silent, then died laughing because of how fucking savage we knew it was. Except for my friend. He didn't laugh, and was instead confused. (We thought he was offended, but it turned out he, for a SECOND, thought he still lived with his mom.) But we were like, "Damn, bro. That was savage AF!" Then explained to him why. He was like, "Oh, shit! Bro, I didn't know that! I'm sorry!" But we all laughed, including my friend. That joke had layers, and the guy didn't know it.
hit0k1ri ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 06:17:34 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I'm a bit late to the party but anyway.
My friends and I were in a hotel room drinking, and I was becoming a bit more obnoxious as the night went on. In my drunkiness I ended up knocking over and smashing my cup and one of the guys turned to me and yelled "That broken glass is a metaphor for your fucking life!" I didn't know how to respond.
yelnats87 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 06:17:39 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Your mother has two cunts, and one of them is you.
Flanyo ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 06:19:08 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Kid in highschool with me gained about 50 lbs and became chubby fat over 3 years and one kid he was heckling said: "Youre the spokesperson for the people suing McDonald's because they got fat."
DBZDOKKAN ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 06:19:18 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
nochin
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 06:19:40 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
[deleted]
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 06:23:22 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Bengals fan: "come on ref! That was a questionable call!"
Saints fan: "what's questionable is your players actions off the field
Bengals fan: "yeah, call me when your city gets rebuilt"
Out of a group of my gay friends two of them who are a couple are just the worst nasty people that enjoy treating others like crap. One of the two is far worse than the other. Let's call them Cole and Jordan, with Cole being the most evil of the two. One day a friend turns to Cole and says "you're the price everyone has to pay to have a friendship with Jordan."
I would kick you in the cunt, but I don't want to get my shoe dirty.
Z0MGbies ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 06:26:10 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
"If I wanted any lip from you, I would have jingled my zipper"
Heard/read that on an mmorpg once, thought it would be a common one but never heard it since.
Another one that Jimmy Carr says to hecklers who criticise his jokes is "look i don't tell YOU how to gargle a pair of testicles, so it's only fair you don't come to MY work and tell me how to tell jokes" (except with far better delivery)
Z0MGbies ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 06:26:10 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
"If I wanted any lip from you, I would have jingled my zipper"
Heard/read that on an mmorpg once, thought it would be a common one but never heard it since.
Another one that Jimmy Carr says to hecklers who criticise his jokes is "look i don't tell YOU how to gargle a pair of testicles, so it's only fair you don't come to MY work and tell me how to tell jokes" (except with far better delivery)
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 06:26:29 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
That's not really true, it's also quite mean. People do have redeeming qualities that aren't related to physical appearance.
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:48:20 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Yeah, in cartoons.
Aidernz ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 06:27:57 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
One of my dancing friends and I were having a chat and a jam session after class. Going over some moves and what-not getting reading for a competition that was coming up. One of the girls that attends the dance class as well, who's 10/10 stunning, wears a shit tonne of make up and the worlds strongest bitchy rest face you'll ever see. Her personality suits her face, too. So we tend to not talk to her much as she's always got a criticism about something.
Anyhow, we had just finished up on a practice dance when she and a few of her cliquey dance friends came in to use the (other half of the) room, when she approached us both and said "you guy needs to work on your presentation and performance more. I was falling asleep watching that. Nothing new or inspiring".
To which my mate, who really doesn't like her or has even spoken a word to her before, pipes up and says "you should try eating your makeup so you're beautiful on the inside"
My jaw dropped. Her friends were like "OOOoooooo woow!" We headed out of there pretty fast after that.
My grandparents both dropped out of college and married to have my mother, but they did well for themselves, still a sore spot for my grandpa. So when my grandpa commented passive aggressively saying that he hopes both me and my brother make enough money following our passion because im going into the arts and my brothers a writer. She said, well you did quite well WITHOUT a degree didn't you dad?
He didn't talk much after that at the party
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 08:49:54 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
In my highschool English class my teacher used to pick out a few kids and give them an extra hard time. He would tease them, give them nicknames and all around be kind of an ass.
One day he sent us to get books and said the last kid in had to tell a joke. The last kid to come in happened to be one of his "favorites" so when the kid walked in my teacher got this devious smile and said "Alright philly, looks like it's your turn to tell us a joke"
To which the kid replies "you" and then sits down in his desk and begins reading.
noseboops ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 06:28:54 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
person 1:"i thought we were friends" (said jokingly)
Eighth grade English class. We were reading "Tom Sawyer", and essentially there's a love interest that Tom has. Some terd that was basically the self proclaimed class clown who essentially would troll the feck out of this poor teacher, asks, "Did they, like, do it?"
Teacher goes, "No Zac, they did not do it."
"Well, I was doing it when I was like three."
And my English teacher serves him straight up and says, "Yeah and you were alone."
Silence.
Mic dropped.
Never challenged the teacher again.
nealius ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 06:31:15 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
"If your face were on fire I'd stomp it out"
(Whose Line Is It Anyway?)
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 06:32:00 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Halloween. Buddy of mine and me are walking in a casino and a guy in wheelchair motors light speed right towards us forcing us to jump out of the way. He says "watch where you're fucking walking." My buddy says "nice Christopher Reeve costume."
My friend telling some broad who was trying to break up his marriage.
"I wouldn't even rape you."
Beastly.
Indie_uk ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 06:32:47 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Passed from a friend on a football away day. There is a sniffer dog at one of the grounds he frequents, and it went crazy near some dude coming out of the train station heading to a game. The handler says "The dog says you've got drugs on you" the guy replies "You think I'm on drugs?! You're talking to a dog!". Cop waved him by.
In highschool there was this teacher in his thirties still living at home. One day he had some letters laying on his desk so a student asked 'Are those love letters?'. Which he instantly replied to with 'Yes, from you mother'.
Back in school I had someone in my class shout the word 'penis' kinda loud. Our teacher looks at him, and proceeds to shout his name,exceot he accidentally shouts back 'penis'. With the class silent and paying attention to him, the same kid instinctively says "got something on your mind sir?"
For a kid in school it was easily the greatest comeback ever.
Ok I'm a pretty heavy set guy and it doesn't bother me really. So one time I was at one of my girlfriends family gatherings and her older cousin brings his new girlfriend (We'll call her "G") and she's pretty and in very good shape but she is very flat chested and just seemed to have a bad attitude. So a few hours pass and I've had a couple beers and we are all sitting around telling jokes and laughing. So G try's to roast me and the conversation goes like this.
G: Hey looks like you might need to borrow a bra for those tits.
Me: I don't need one and by the looks of it neither do you.
She got so mad she left and never came back over and the one time I did see her at Christmas she wouldn't say a word to me.
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 08:32:32 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Dude, not only should you lose weight, you should probably stop being mean to girls.
We got new directory photos at work. Two of my colleagues had these smirky kind of smiles so a third sends an email saying "what are you numbskulls smirking at?"
One of them replies (all) "your receding hairline and our reflections in your gleaming scalp."
Seikon32 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 06:36:55 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Was playing boardgames and we were counting our points. Person A points out Person B counted wrong. Person B replies that they did not count wrong. Person A says, "Maybe if you stop trying to cheat, I'd believe you." Person B replies, "Maybe if you learn to count, you won't lose all the time."
justcapz ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 06:37:16 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Late to this thread, but when I was in high school I was late to my P.E class (all boys school) and the teacher called me out and said "why are you so late? Could you not put your skirt on?"
To which I replied "no sorry I forgot my skirt today, can I borrow yours?"
He then took me outside and told me off for being late, but commended my comeback and was let back in to class.
zdeno721 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 06:40:37 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Late to the party buy my friend was having trouble with his parents in high school and one evening him and his mom got into a shouting match. She yells "do your friends call their mom a bitch!?" to which he replied "no but they call you one!"
I had sprained my ankle and was on crutches. Thick girl in my class takes my crutches and says "Hey look I'm Frank herr der"
I said instantly without thinking "If I was that fat I'd kill myself."
Luckily she was a cool. her and everyone at the table had a good laugh.
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 06:47:36 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
My favorite is from Happy Gilmore:
Me Larson (huge scary guy)- "that's two thus far, Shooter."
Shooter- "oh, good, you can count"
Larson- "and YOU can count. On me waiting for you in the parking lot."
Then he kicks the shit out of him at the end. Goddamn I love that movie so much.
r00t1 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 06:48:05 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
NSFW wtf
ZacPensol ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 06:48:54 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I was in high school when Ken Jennings was having his marathon run on Jeopardy. My teacher and another student were talking about it and the student says, "I really like him, I've started watching Jeopardy just to see how he does." and the teacher replies, "Not me, I'd get sick of seeing the same guy every day.", to which I, across the room asked "Is that why you're not married?"
She was a fun teacher and we all teased her and her us, but that one made her have to leave the room for a second and I felt a bit bad.
ManQnian ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 06:50:45 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
"If you want my comeback you'll have to scrape it off your mother's teeth."
Jimmy Carr
esach88 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 06:52:02 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Happened back in high school. Was my first serious GF. She didn't have any friends at my school as she was new but loved to shit on my friends a lot. She would say things like "you're friends are losers" "you could be popular if you dropped them" etc.
I always made an effort to hangout with her during lunch break as she'd be alone but I really missed playing soccer with my friends and thought just one day I will play with them. Oh she didn't like that! Started ribbing me about my friends and how they are big losers. I looked at her and just said. "you know? At least I have friends." and walked away to the field. She went in the building crying.
ZacPensol ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 06:52:22 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Went to a summer camp thing during high school that was a sort of college prep-camp type thing where students from all over the country (US) came. I befriended this guy who had been raised in Australia and he got no end of people asking about his accent.
One Asian kid comes up to him and says, "So you're from Australia? Have you ever wrestled a crocodile?". Without missing a beat, he replies "Have you ever wrestled a panda bear?".
Perhaps not the most savage, but the kid was kind of taken aback by it but at the same just conceded "Okay, fair point." and walked off.
Guy #2: if i wanted my comeback id wipe it off your mothers chin
Its just really fucking satisfying to say and its a nice safety net when you've got nothing better to say. You do have to hope they set themselves up for it though ๐
WAWDoing ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 07:02:31 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
The reverse of this move works too. I was laying into a coworker who has been known to be a bit slow with coming up with something quick. I didn't want this to continue but I wanted to win so I made one last jab, nothing too noteworthy, than I said, "And now I'm going to do you a favor and walk away so you don't look like a fool in front of everybody because you can't think of a comeback." I then walked away to cheers.
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 07:54:48 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
There were no cheers. Nobody would cheer for that. You've lied to us. Be ashamed.
WAWDoing ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 10:21:09 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
More clever than what I've seen you come up with in this post, just responding and can't think of anything else to add. If it wasn't for fat jokes and easy, popular targets like Trump, you'd have nothing to say. Those that's can do, that's that can't critique, but your bitch ass probably already knew that.
Now I'm going to do you a favor and walk away so you don't look like a fool in front of everybody should I actual try to come at you.
[deleted] ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 14:49:53 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Those that's can do, that's that can't critique, but your bitch ass probably already knew that.
WTF? Were you born with a wire coat hanger sticking out of your ear?
Yonderen ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 06:53:07 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)*
Story time..
Story 1:
BS'ing with brothers.. Talking about some random vid on youtube, about a guy who'd trained a monkey to ride a dog like a horse, as a rodeo show.
Bro "Perfect job for Yonderen"
"Yeah, just need to teach you to ride the dog."
Story 2:
Old friend of my family in high school, was giving the school librarian his usual hassle.
She inquired whether he'd considered what he was going to do when he was done with school.
Bitch: "whiiine Everybody keeps asking if I'm okay or if I'm sick. I'm just not wearing makeup!"
Me: "Huh. Nobody ever asks me what's wrong if I don't wear makeup."
I got a lot of high fives from coworkers after that one.
WAWDoing ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 06:57:11 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
DBZ Abridged. When Trunks tries to stop Vegeta from taking on the Androids, admitting that he's his son. Vegeta ignores him and flies past him while saying, "Sorry, but I don't listen to bastards."
"..... And that's why people talk about you behind your back"
ElLetdown ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 06:58:40 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Once I was walking to my car with a friend, and I heard these kids arguing. The girl must have been ripping into this dude for several minutes, and I just walked by with the best timing ever. She finally finishes and you can clearly hear the guy respond "Is that why you sucked my dick though?"
Laughed for the better half of the car ride.
asshat75 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 07:00:56 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
My mum always used to criticise my and my brother about acne and stuff, it was really annoying and sorta ruined our confidence because of a "if she can notice then why not everyone else" mentality.
Once morning she said something and both me and my brother got mad at her.
My mum then proceeded to call us "sensitive"
To which I replied "Well you raised us, so I guess we learnt from the best".
She then stormed out of the room, muttering something like "well you don't need to be so nasty".
Yeah it was mean and stuff but its how ironic it was that she got upset from being called sensitive because she called US sensitive...
10after6 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 07:01:31 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
You can't call her a cunt. She has neither the warmth nor the depth.
When we were in college we used to have these little email flamewars between each other. Mostly inane banter about the current talk of the day that would eventually escalate into insults. There was a girl in our class who wasn't particularly attractive (read: ugly) and she had decided to glam herself up one day with some high-heeled leather boots that didn't quite suit her.
It was discussion topic of the day and one guy was continually commenting on her choice of dress-wear. The email exchange inevitably escalated as she (understandably) took offense and threw an insult to the guy in the heat of the moment. He responded:
"Look, I never said you were ugly, I said your boots were ugly. But let's face it, if there were a Richter scale for ugliness, you would rate a devastating 9 and your boots would be unreadable by current technology'.
Still makes me wince to this day.
5ick ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 07:06:24 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Mexican guy at dinner yesterday: Honestly, I'm sorry, I thought Somalia was in Asia and not Africa.
Somalian friend without skipping a beat: Why are you saying sorry to me you should embarrassed at your educational system.
For some reason my uncle was getting onto my cousin for misbehaving. He was about 5 at the time and threatened my uncle with "Well I'm gonna make you lazy!"
No idea where he got that from but my aunt replied back with "You're too late son."
PRNmeds ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 07:06:49 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Fat bullied kid at school to pimply faced popular kid who was being mean to him in front of all the other 'cool kids'.
"I may be fat but at least I'm not ugly. I can eat less, what the fuck can you do?"
Everyone turned on the 'popular kid' and gave him shit.
My junior year math teacher and I hated each other. She was the kind of teacher who liked the popular students and liked the attention the football players gave her. She was not a teacher that would cross that line, but she was often inappropriate with students. (E.g. allowed us to get her off topic and get her talking about inappropriate subjects, mild flirting, letting students read her text messages). She had my sister in her class 3 years prior and hated her because she wasn't popular and my sister routinely called her out on her shit.
I'll admit that I was a shithead but some of the football players were way worse and she would let them say whatever they wanted in class. I wasn't all that popular with students but I was friends with several popular students and she actually told some of them they shouldn't be friends with me. She kicked me out of class for stupid petty things. Some of these dismissals were surely justified, others not so much. she once kicked me out of class after telling me I had to throw my water away, to which I stood up and counted 15 students that were also drinking water. She told me I still had to throw it away so I got up poured out the 32 ounce family guy subway cup in the garbage can . Went back to my desk and started putting my cup in my backpack. She yells "what are you doing? I told you to throw the cup away!" I said "it's a collectors cup..." She tells me to get out of her classroom.
Anyway, this teacher was going through a recent divorce and she often told us about her cheating husband and just a bunch of seemingly personal stuff about their relationship. She was very very bitter. One day while she was complaining about her husbands girlfriend (the same woman she caught him cheating with), a student told her that she needed to get a boyfriend and show her husband up. We pretty much all voiced our agreement, including myself. She says in her dumbass country accent, "well by golly, I'm still married I can't date other people" to which I immediately replied, "that didn't stop your husband."
Half the class laughed, the other half clapped their hands over their mouths with that "oh shit, did he really just say that" face. I said it without even thinking and immediately thought, "ahh shit I fucked up this time, she's kicking my ass out for sure and this is gonna be tough to explain." She looks at me stunned, face red and at a momentary loss for words. She starts laughing and just says, "wow I gotta give you that one, that was pretty funny."
Cac11027 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 07:08:54 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Back in 2010 i got a case of bell's palsy, well for the first couple of weeks i had to wear an eye patch so my eye wouldnt dry out and irritate the fuck out of me, then i progressed to sunglasses when i could some control back.
Well there was a guy who came to my register (I worked at lowes), threw his sawblades down and the rest of his shit like the cocky asshole he was. and i start ringing him up. About halfway through, he says does the sun hurt your eyes in here? (im in the lumber department at this time), "as a matter of fact it fucking does. i had a stroke (before i knew it was bells' palsy) about 2 months ago. So next time you want to open your mouth i suggest you dont."
He left with the most oh shit i fucked up look on his face.
my first BF's mom was really weird and overbearing, like Very possibly had an Oedipus complex. Seriously creepy AF. Anyway, he was telling this big group of our friends about his first time (not with me), he says "What do you think was the first thing i said afterwards?" & he really took a couple beats, instead of just launching right into it. He knows me better than that shit, so my guess was "Mom, get off me!"
Everyone cracked up laughing, he was so annoyed. It never really went away, got brought up at least once a month.
helava ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 07:10:05 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
(My friend was watching my dog doing some random weird shit, and kind of mocking him.)
Him, lost in thought: "Do you think animals can tell when you're mocking them?"
Me, mimicking him: "I don't know. Do YOU think animals can tell when you're mocking them?"
Timing was perfect. Everyone else in the room died laughing, he missed it completely.
Wish I wasn't so late with this XD...
Back in college, I knew this kid who was all about cars, bikes, etc. His one pride and joy was his Ducati. He would post pictures of himself riding that thing ALL OVER social media.
One day we are messing around while taking a break from studying. Showing each other dumb pics we see posted on facebook and other places. He shows me this, NSFW and starts laughing.
I smile at him and say, "Damn dude! That must be your Dickati that you are so proud of!"
His face turns bright red. He then puts his phone and laptop away and gets back to studying
phobod3 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 07:13:16 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)*
Jimmy carr....
Heckler yells something out to him and this ice cold motherfucker says , "if you want my cum-back, you'll have to scrape it off your mom's teeth." Just fuckin savage, I still laugh hearing it for the 100th time.
Tomotron ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 07:16:57 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
At work in the gulf.
Obnoxious captain walks in and starts giving junior at the desk grief. Ex ranker major pops his head in and asks mister obnoxious to repeat himself; he "didn't quite get what was said". Mister obnoxious repeats himself with even more attitude, major walks in and asked captain to "say it again, still not getting it". Obnoxious is angrily telling his tale when major looks to the desk junior and asks "can you speak cunt? Because i don't have a clue what this chap is saying". Every single person stops and looks and notices obnoxious guy in flames. Obnoxious guy is then taken aside and comes back, apologises and never comes back.
pyroman09 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 07:17:33 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
"Why do you always expect the worst from me?"
"Because that's what you deliver."
My cousin snapping on her now ex-boyfriend. She has the sharpest tongue I've ever witnessed.
salustri ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 07:21:06 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
More blistering comebacks per minute than I've ever heard. Also a great (Canadian) TV show: Letterkenny - https://youtu.be/9rSBmOgpcDE
Trapnjay ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 07:21:15 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I was eating in a waffle house once and two of the waitresses were chatting back and forth ,one waitress was saying how she was wearing a size 3 and after bouncing back after having a baby. She was kinda going on an on about her cute she thought she looked ,another waitress looks at her and says " a size 3 ? you need to gain some weight." the other waitress looks disgusted and asks "why?" to which the other one replied " So your ass can catch up with your head.''
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 07:23:14 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Don't tell me what to do, I don't come to your job and slap the dick out of your mouth..
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 07:23:34 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I heard that a guy at work had sex with a girl I had previously been involved with. I'd keep asking him if we're eskimo bros and eventually he pipes and and says "sure we are - we've both been inside your mom."
Guy in my high school's mom died in a fire when he was little. Not all that many people knew that. Guy was fucking with him and said he fucked his mom last night. Everyone who knew just shut up and watched them. Guy said "My mom is dead asshole." Bully replied "I knew she was pretty cold last night." Guy replied "she died in a fire." Bully came back with "I knew she was hot once, but not anymore." At which point the guy couldn't hold back his laughter and he fell back into his seat. They ended up being really good friends.
Did you tell them about how you killed our baby Francine.
Aphex93 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 07:25:33 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Shitty kid when I was in 8th grade who had been held back a few times was disrupting class and just being a dick to our teacher. Teacher told him he better start paying attention because they don't have student parking in 8th grade. I witnessed a murder that day.
So a while back we got into the habit of anytime someone got burned we'd say "Got her/him!" We would also take the object of a sentence i.e. "pickles are good" and come back with something like "YOU'RE a pickle..." One of my roommates was notoriously single and as we were hanging out drinking, the trash talking ensued, someone yelled "got her" at a lesser burn, she says 'no sorry you "got" nobody' my brother in law looks her dead in the face and goes "YOU GOT NOBODY!" every one in that kitchen lost their shit, laughing our asses off
For a girl that never stops talking she shut up real quick.
Way too late, and my memory isn't the best, so here's the best I remember that I came up with.
A roommate was a complete slob, and among other things would never do his dishes. When I cooked I would often just do all the dishes in the sink when I did mine. We were outside with another roommate smoking cigarettes, and he said thanks for doing my dishes, in a sincere tone. I returned, in the same time, thanks for being a slob.
I delivered a pretty decent one to my ex girlfriend.
She was bitching and moaning about the fact I wouldn't let our imaginary future child win at board games (odd thing to argue about, but there you go) so I said:
'If they win, that's fine, but I'm not going to let them win. They should strive for perfection. Although, they can probably only ever be half perfect since they'll have your genes in there somewhere'
I thought it was great...her, not so much. Hitting ensued.
Growing up, my (bitchy, bitter) aunt always tried to put my older sister on a diet, since she was a little bit chunky. One day, my aunt caught her eating some cookies and she went off on my sister. She was saying things like how nobody was going to marry her if she was fat, and that nobody would like her if she had a few extra pounds on her. My sister just got up and said,
"How did you get the shit from your ass to come out of your mouth?"
"I speak for the trees...the trees say you a punk ass bitch"
Kellt_ ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 07:30:46 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Damm your taste is shit!
That's why I fuck your mom.
Whuishu ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 07:31:54 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
It's not super savage but it's relevant. I hated class presentations so when our geography class required everyone to give a presentation, I mostly kept my head down, reading the outline script I wrote. The teacher interrupted my presentation and asked "Whuishu, do you want to look at us and instead of your paper?" I said no and continued with my presentation.
I was living in Paris studying French once and was with a couple of friends in the library. One was this blonde American with a big ass that I used to mess around with. She was Christian so no penetration. We'd do all kinds of other things though.
And the other was an Olympic long distance runner from Mali. He was a really modest, unassuming guy.
Anyway, she says to him "why don't you run and buy us some drinks?"
I was flabbergasted. The way she spoke to him was the way you'd talk to a slave or servant.
I couldn't help myself.
"Why don't you run and get them. You look like you could use a bit more running around."
We have a friend that is Honduran and we constantly bag on him, call him basically everything but Honduran, it gets him super pissed off. He catches a lot of shit in our town because he looks middle eastern and I'm in bum fuck Arkansas. Anyway.
He constantly compares himself to Batman, saying he could beat our asses (we're considerably bigger than him, my friend that said the burn played defensive lineman and boxed for many years, his grip could literally break my fucking hand. I did BJJ for about 4 years and have boxed my whole life. He scares us SO much.) keep in mind we do this out of love, we ALL roast each other, it's just our thing, he just gets butthurt. He speaks kinda broken English so I'll type the convo as it went.
Honduran friend- "Man, I tell you this. I could beat Bane ass in one second. I'm just like Batman but better, faster."
My other friend- blows out massive bong rip, doesn't miss a beat "Hey Batmanuel, why don't you go rustle us up some chimichangas I am starving. Andale, Pendejo!"
I spit my fucking beer all over his dog. He called us racist and left. But he came his butthurt ass back later. Fun times.
In high school, my school's debate representative was doing a debate against another school regarding police states. My team wasn't really acknowledging the enemy's points. At one point, the enemy school said something along the lines of "I'm under the impression that you're not aware of what a police state is... Have you even read 1984?!"
To which our team rep replied, "You mean the fictional book written by George Orwell? Yeah, but we're debating facts here."
ncfears ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 07:39:23 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Playing a drinking game called Kings with some friends and one of the cards makes the group play never have I ever. One of the rounds our friend said, "Never have I ever broken my teeth." This was an obvious poke at our friend who broke is front two teeth playing basketball. Next turn was his and he responded with "Never have I ever had cancer." Went from throwing rocks to nuclear real fast.
ebone333 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 07:39:45 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Bartender here. One Friday night an elderly couple was staying unusually late and there was a younger couple across the bar kissing. The old lady yells at them to get a room, so the young guy yells back to get a nursing home. I've never heard the whole bar start laughing over one comeback it was awesome because she was giving everyone a hard time all night and nobody had the balls to say anything.
Bitchy college girl to a female friend of mine, after a disagreement on Facebook: "Have a nice life battling with your weight." It cut deep.
Primexes ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 07:40:19 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I saw a Facebook messenger conversation between an ex-boyfriend and the current one. I have been trying to find it... however the conversation went a little like this (paraphrased):
EX: yeah... how you like fucking that used up pussy
BF: Well, after about 2 inches it feel good as new.
EX: fuck!
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 07:40:49 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
"Why don't you cut your hairโฝ"
"Why don't you shave your assโฝ"
Hyunis ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 07:41:54 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Since a few cricket ones are going through, let us not forget the infamous Rod Marsh vs Ian Botham.
RM: how's your wife, and my kids going?
IB: wife is fine. Kids are retarded.
it was my Sophomore year and my chemistry teacher and a fellow student are getting into an argument..
Teacher: You know keep pullin this junk and you will end up no where in life
Student: i think i will be alright i'm just toughing through this damn class to get my credits
Teacher: you need to set your priorities in the right place otherwise you are gonna continue to be garbage.. who knows maybe you could be like me.
Student: HA be like you, a middle aged teacher still paying child support who we all know hates their life, what do you know, you are a god damn high school teacher
we all wanted to laugh but we knew that if he we did, we'd just break the teacher's soul far beyond repair, as for the kid, he packed his stuff and excused himself and laughed all the way out the door
"You have killed my love. You used to stir my imagination. Now you don't even stir my curiosity"
-The Picture of Dorian Gray by Oscar Wilde
techinept ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 07:44:16 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Happened against me in French class....I was giving the teacher shit and generally being hilarious, when the topic of convo comes round to the "Vulu Vous couche avec moi?" song.....so playing dumb I ask her (the teacher) what that line means, and she's like
"Don't worry TechInept no one will ever say it to you"
#Burn #Schooled@School
Barbar21 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 07:45:32 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Just saw this on here somewhere.... Angry girlfriend "Just so you know i faked it almost every time"... Savage boyfriend "what makes you think i was f&@king you for your benefit"
KingMob9 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 07:45:35 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
In Sandman #4. "I am hope".
Spins77 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 07:46:15 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
There was a very round obese teacher at my high school and he had a bit of an attitude. One day during a regular back and forth with a witty classmate the teacher claimed he could run intellectual circles around the student. The student replied,
"I wish I could run circles around you."
a group of us were all hanging out while we were still in middle school. my friend (f) tells me (m): "oh, it looks like you got a little mustache coming in" and I reply with "I wish it was as good as yours." (we used to play those kissing games where you pass an ice cube around with your mouth while everyone was in the jacuzzi and she totally had some fuzz)
My Dad: "Haha. That's ok... It all turns to dick after midnight."
Up2Eleven ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 07:48:35 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)*
At a bar. Very stuck up woman being a bitch to bartender. I'm a couple stools away and nearby is a friend. Black, gay, dresses like a cowboy. We both know bartender and don't appreciate her cuntiness towards him. Gay cowboy friends sidles up to her and in his swishy, slightly lispy fashion asks her "Can I smell your pussy?"
I know the joke and what's about to happen...I'm already giggling.
She's shocked. "WHAT??? NO!!!"
Corner of his mouth twitches, an eyebrow raises, he looks her dead in the eye and says "Hmmm....then it must be your feet."
I think that holds the world record for number of drinks shot through noses simultaneously in one room.
Edit: accidentally a word.
DoanZERO ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 07:49:28 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I Remember a few friends and I crashing at one of our female friends houses after some party in highschool. We were all hung over so she made some Mexican-style food for us all to eat. It was really good at the time. She was like super white so my Latino buddy told her "This food is awesome, do you have a little mexican in you?". She said "Nope, I just make this all the time." and he said "Well you did last night!"... She apparently hadn't remembered that they slept together at the party...
Me and my best friend, who is known for his physical similarities to a giraffe, were in high school marching band and taking off our school shoes for our marching shoes in the band room with the rest of the band. At the time I was really short but had size 12ish feet making them look ridiculously large. One of the hotter girls noticed this.
Girl: "Wow, your feet are really big."
Me: "Well you know what they say about guys with big feet"
Friend: "Actually, everyone knows that you only get one large thing. And sorry, but it looks like you choose your feet."
Me: "and you choose your neck"
The roar in the band room had never been louder.
Some girl back in high school was kind of a dummy. I don't remember what she had said exactly, I just remember it was something silly like "Don't people in Mexico speak Mexican?" or something like that. Once she was corrected she was like "Oh man, I feel stupid"..The teacher looked at her and with a blank look just said "it's more than a feeling"
I pointed to some pads and tampons and asked my sister if she needed some, cuz she was being especially little-sistery. In response, she points to the condoms and said " do you need some on those? Oh that's right. You don't." In a completely monotone voice. Firstly, I had just broke up with my only girlfriend so far, and secondly, the woman on the other end of the aisle started DYING laughing, and I had no comeback. I just... hung my head and giggled because it was THAT good.
In our class, we do clinical cases and teams get called on, sometimes with "lightning round" type questions. Picture the medical team doing rounds in an episode of Scrubs, but in a classroom setting. We were going over the physiology of the cardiovascular system, and I was really tired that day and was chosen as the team representative. Answered a few questions confidently with ease, business as usual.
Then the professor goes off tangent and starts moving the topic along to the brain's role in the cardiovascular system. I'm still standing with the whole class paying attention to the discussion, the question, and my responses, and at one point he asks me what one major organ does not use glucose as its' primary energy source. I was already thinking ahead on the subject of the brain, so I stumble and I respond "the brain?". Without missing a beat, the professor responds "well, maybe your brain". Whole class erupts with laughter and I'm still standing, face completely flushed in embarrassment. To this day I'm still reminded by my classmates on how I completely set myself up to be destroyed in front of everyone.
For those that don't get the joke: The brain utilizes a significant portion of your body's total energy expenditure in the form of glucose, more by weight than any other organ.
TL;DR - My professor called me braindead in front of the whole class.
Stiorm ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 07:54:43 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Happens in my classroom
-"Hey, your parfume smells ugly AF !
2 seconds of silence
The other guy replies, "True, but still better than your mouth though"
LMAO that day
ZAMBOOXAL ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 07:54:49 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Here's 2
Sister was sitting at the lunch table on pizza day in elementary and one of her friend who didn't like cheese started to take it off her pizza. A boy at the table says "why you taking off the skin" and without missing a beat she replies, "because the blood and the guts are the best part."
Teacher in tenth-grade had a tall Christmas-themed mug with "ho ho ho" on it. One of his students what's a smartass and asked "why does your coffee cup say ho all over it. He immediately replys "because I got it from your mom" and proceeds to sip his coffee.
My teacher's name was Mr Wood and was also a Major in the army... no one ever made fun of him.
A group of friends and I we're playing football during recess in junior high. This one kid, who was a die-hard fan of Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson, scored a touchdown. As a sort of taunt, he yells directly into the face of my friend, "Do you smellllll what the rock is cookin." Without even a second thought my friend responds, "Do you smell what your breath is cookin?"
My 5 year old niece absolutely slayed one of my sisters friends one time,
Friend: "I'm so tired lately, I just sleep all day."
Niece: "You don't need to sleep all day... You need to go to the gym..."
jcjcjcj ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 08:00:00 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Two of my friends when we were kids about 10 or 11 years old were arguing over one of the being told off by the others mother, convo went:
Mike: can't believe your mum is such a bitch.
Chris: you did break that greenhouse window.
Mike: yeah but she didn't have to be such a fucking bitch about it.
Chris: stop calling my mom a bitch.
Mike: your mom is a bitch though.
Chris: at least I have a mom.
Mike: ..........(starts crying, runs off)
Me: that was harsh.
Mikes mom had passed away when we were about 4.
ChangMai ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 08:01:16 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Preface: this was the 90's in the UK, when the word 'tight' was often used by teenagers to mean 'unfair'...
So this there's this overweight girl in class who's just a horrible person. Really sour to everyone, picked on the smaller guys knowing they wouldn't say or do anything back, just bullied who she could.
Anyway, in one class she's chatting to three guys near the back, and as i listen she's being quite scathing to a few of them, slamming their clothes for not wearing designer stuff etc.
The teacher hears the commotion and stops, and asks her what's going on. She outright lies, puts on a pouty face and says "Sir, they're being really tight to me!"
And one of the kids reply; "Everything's tight on you"
At high school lunchroom, with friend whose mom is dead. Token Indian guy in my very small and very white high school comes up to the table and goes, "Hey Charlie, I fucked your mom last night." Charlie looks down at the table, and other friend Brooke next to him goes, "Dude. His mom is dead."
Indian guy goes, "Yeah, it took me forever to dig her up," and cruises off. Even Charlie had to laugh at the savagery.
A friend of mine, who's a jewish felt offended by a girl from accountancy mentioning his nationality (a state of being, as my father was calling it) to which she commented something like "Abram, call me Russian - I wouldn't mind!"
I'm sitting in the cafeteria, eating some buns with butter with a couple of my friends. One of them points out that it's probably not the healthiest thing to eat:
Him: Don't you think you should have some more butter in your fat? Actually, don't you think you should have some more buns in you sugar?
Me: Don't you think you should have a little more mom in your whore?
My sister was 12 at the time and was starting to get sweaty armpits, but hadn't learned about the magic of deodorant yet. I shrugged it off because I didn't want to have some drawn out talk with her about puberty and figured someone would tell her eventually. At least a month passes where apparently nobody told her.
One day, she comes into the room and asks "Hey, what should I wear today?"
Seizing the opportunity to make the conversation as short and painless (for me) as possible, I said "Deodorant" and tossed her the stick I had just finished applying.
She never gave it back.
skelucto ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 08:05:53 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I was on a high school trip where one guy (I'll call him Jim) and his girlfriend (who always called him brother) cut in front of me at the mess hall.
Me: Hey, me and don were here first!
Jim: you got about four seconds before I kick the shit out of you.
Me: you see Donnie? That's what inbreds act like.
GF: the fuck did you just say to us?!
Me: nothing you jive bitch I was talkin to Donnie
Jim: you need to learn how to talk to a lady!
Me: you need to learn how to date outside the family.
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 08:06:54 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I remember a time when my friends and I were in a night club and this z-list celebrity turns up who happens to be wheelchair bound but this guy also has an attitude problem (newfound fame getting to his head).
On entering the club he ran over countless people's feet without acknowledging any wrongdoing while trying to chat to girl after girl. My friend decided to say something and an argument pursued which was getting out of hand.
My friend didn't want it to get violent and who could blame him. Anyway my friend ended it by saying "you know what, I'm going to be the bigger man and WALK away", god it was both shocking and hilarious as the guy was a total dick.
A young lad was having a fairly light argument with a member of the Irish Garda Equestrian Unit.
At the end he asked if the horse was a Male or Female, when the Garda responded that it was a female the young fella:
'Next time tell them to put the bollocks under the horse and legged it''
Mister08 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 08:07:32 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Waaaay back in Middle School, my school had an a la carte area in the cafeteria where you could buy extra snacks to go with lunch. One day, in which we were spending the whole day going class to class watching movies -- I grabbed a snack for myself, and a couple of friends who offered to pay me back.
In comes Daylan, now Daylan was about 300lbs; and mean as could be. He waddles on over to me and initiated a conversation that went a little something like this;
Him: "Holy shit fatass are you going to eat all that?!"
Me: "No, I'm sharing it because I don't want to end up looking like you"
Him: "Uhhh you already do"
Me: "Have you checked a mirror lately? I think you might be confused."
Him: "Yeah, and I saw YOU!"
Me: "(sigh).....That's a window you fucking dumbass!"
I moved to a small town when I was a sophomore in high school. I met a girl who's parents were good friends of my grandparents, and I got to know them very well. She was the typical stuck up little bitch, but for some reason I found her attractive and asked her out. She says "Maybe if you lost a little weight."
Fast forward to my senior year. I'm 70 lbs lighter, I'm in great shape and her parents and I were still close as I did favors for them like house sit, mow the lawn and other things. Meanwhile in having a conversation with her dad one evening found out that she was also a bitch to her parents. He told me while drunk that he wanted to have a kid who was like me.
Health class, me and miss bitch are paired together and we're doing an exercise about rejecting advances of drugs and alcohol. And we have to get up in front of the class and do a small skit showing what we've learned. She turns around and talking loud enough so the whole class hears and says,
"Maybe you should just ask me out again and I'll say 'No'."
Without missing a beat I came back with.
"Maybe... but it must suck to know that your parents like me more than you."
The whole class who was doing the 'OOOOOOOO' thing when she said her comment were silent when I said mine, then one kid started to slow clap...
Ok.. maybe the slow clap thing didn't happen, but the rest did.
I worked at a cell repair place a few years back and there was an incredibly douchy egyptian kid that worked there. He thought he was gods gift to women everywhere and always did the douchiest shit to get their attention. Of course he got the attention of all the sluttiest girls at work, including one of my friends (she had a phase after she broke up with a terrible ex).
So im gay and everyone knew and nobody ever seemed to care too much. Of course that made some the girls get really interested, including the girls he had messed around with or still was.
So egyptian douch dislikes that im friends with his main girl and that the other girls started giving me some attention. He would always come up and say insulting shit to me when no one was around because hes a coward. One day i forgot i had eaten a really special browny and i smoked a couple bowls before work. It all kicked in at the wrong time, but it was okay because i was working really fast. The super didnt care if we smoked kn our breaks as long as these phones where getting cleaned fast (software). He came up and started calling me a dirty stoner druggy lazy mexican piece if shit etc.
It was the lazy part that made me mad, this kid always used an excuse to not work and would dump his work on the girls he was supposedly fucking "get your smelly arabic ass away from me and quit terrorizing me, you woman hating fuck." He was pissed that i said that but didnt leave but his face was red as hell "what are you about to blow up on me Sham? You camre to terrorize me and now youre blowing up? Typical fucking arab" His name was Esham, but everyone called him Sham. "Don't you have a fucking spill to go clean Shamwow? Go do your job you lazy fucker!"
He was pissed and went to go tell the supervisor on me. Turns out the supervisor heard everything and he basically said "yeah she burned you really damn hard hahaha go back to work." Lmao i was surprized at myself tbh but more at how hard the supervisor laughed at him.
The setting: It was high school, end of the school year, classes were mostly over. One day the entire school just walks down to the local park for the day (small school, huge park, roughly 150 students at the time but the upper class had classes at the other campus in the morning, so only 100 or so at the park, but I digress). So everyone's there, teachers and students alike, just chilling out, playing sports, walking around and we had barbecue for lunch. Eventually a bunch of us decided to play (American) football and at some point the trash talk began. A kid on the opposing team who was rather chubby (important to the story) was taunting our team captain, who also happened to be the math teacher, Mr. B. So this kid is making general taunts both relating to the game and not related at all, and eventually Mr. B comes back with "Yeah, well that shirt makes it look like you're wearing a trash bag!" It actually did, as it was a bit big even on him and one of thosr ones that was black but looked like it had shorter sleeves over longer sleeves of a different color (if thst makes sense). Anyway, following Mr. B's remark, without missing a beat I tack on "Hefty! Hefty! Hefty!" and everyone burst out laughing, including Mr. B and the kid.
Griffskin ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 08:17:00 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
My mate said this in reply to something: "Your mum cried when she realised you weren't a stillbirth"
I once read a great comeback from Frieda Kahlo when she was interviewed by a rude dude.
He was like : "Frieda you almost look like a man".
She replied with :"so do you.".
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 08:19:46 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
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[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 04:51:39 on September 19, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
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Popeoffap ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 08:22:42 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Cavs coming back from a 3-1 deficit against a 73 win team in the NBA Finals
It's a bit past prime, but I said something once I think is worth mentioning, if not the best per se.
I was in a skype call with a few people, and one of the less intelligent friends of mine was doing a survey for a job he was applying for. He was reading off some of the questions he thought were funny, and eventually spoke up, saying "Y'know, on these things, you have to either pick 'Strongly Agree' or 'Strongly Disagree' for it to actually work."
After a couple seconds of confused silence, I said "I strongly disagree."
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 08:33:02 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I told my friend a joke once and he responded with a story about how a year ago tomorrow, his grandfather died from lung cancer after a lifetime of smoking. And the day before his grandfather died he made my friend promise never to smoke and so never in his life has my friend picked up a cigarette or any other type of drugs. And he finishes by saying, "And you know John I really feel like I missed out because that joke gave me cancer anyway."
robogo ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 08:36:57 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I rehashed an old one I heard a while ago. Short intro: met hot chick, had sex with hot chick, jot chick was turned on by fat guys, got 20kg, broke up with said chick, got a bit depressed, lost 23 kg, met chick (we went to the same college), hot chick gained some weight, hot chick thought we still friends.
Hot chick: hey babe, what's up, you look good, I see you lost a few pounds.
Me (out of nowhere): yeah, I see you found them all.
In that split second I felt as if all mics dropped at the same time in my honor.
So this one kid in my English class was a real dick and at one point we were all roasting him and he turned into a huge bag of kosher salt and lashed out at us, to which my friend responded, "Listen dude, this isn't your father's dick, don't take it so hard."
Maniacal laughter ensued.
was playing Call of Duty: Black Ops during its release, waiting in the lobby. Two people arguing over something I can't remember. Might have been the previous game played. Guy 1 was with friends in same lobby and guy 2 was alone and sounded younger
GUY 1: "Man, shut up, go cry to your mom."
GUY 2: "My mom's dead, actually."
GUY 1: "Good, she probably killed herself because of you."
Friends of Guy 1 bust out laughing and they either leave shortly after or are taken to the opposite team. Guy 1 kind of mumbles something to himself like: "Yeah, that's.. that's nice... Making fun of my mom." And believe he shortly after disconnected.
It was fucked. It made me chuckle from how ridiculous it was, but dark when I think back to it.
On a night out with friends in the UK, a drunk girl racially abused my friend. He immediately told her she looked like a shaved bear. She slapped him.
elushinz ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 08:48:29 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I was tending bar at the Ritz Carlton and a gentleman walked up with a 20$ bill. He slid in between two gentlemen and asked if I could make change. Without even looking up one of the guys said "that is change". It was fantastic.
Evostance ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 08:49:46 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I remember back in school, one of my friends had lost his mum in a car crash, dad had left them years ago.
He was off school for a while obviously and when he came back, he had just sold his mum's house as he now lived with his grandparents.
Most people knew what has happened, however our science teacher had been away and wasn't aware.
This kid has his feet up on the table and the teacher walks in, sees him and says
"Who do you think you are? What would your mother say if I walked into her house and put my feet up on her table? "
Kid:" You'd have to ask the owners"
Teacher "What did you say to me?"
Kid: "My mum is dead!"
The whole class erupted into awkward laughter at the teachers face. Never have I seen someone drain of color so fast
Guy who just bumped in to me at Bar: You think your tough?
Me Shouting: TOUGH ENOUGH TO FUCK YOUR DAD!!
I just felt like drinking that night, not fighting so I tried to think of the most outlandish thing to say. Everyone in the vicinity just kinda looked at the guy to see what was next, as he was at a loss for words. His friends asked me later what exactly I said, told them, and they thought it was actually pretty funny.
Bjupin123 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 08:54:55 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
"That's a nice onsie there...does it come in men's?"
"I think you've come in men enough for all of us there bud"
um_ ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 08:59:27 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
was watching the star wars battlefront trailer with a friend, we're outside a nice bar and these 3 girls sitting down asked if we're watching porn cos we looked so excited. (love star wars so much) I told her it's a star wars trailer, she then said, "Oh Star Wars is for nerds", friend looked at her and said, "and make up is for ugly people". her friend even laughed other one was huffing and puffing, whilst she had a look on her face like something just sank into her brain. I felt soooo happy.
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 09:01:15 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Worked in a kitchen, shitty little sous chef was getting hassled by the chef, a brusque older woman with a shaved head. She finished, and after a second he said "Have you ever, like, just listened to yourself talk?" with this super indignant expression.
She turned around and stared at him and said "Have you ever seen yourself talk?"
To which he paused and furrowed his brow and almost asked something.
Then she said "Because I will rearrange that little ratfuck face of yours until you're able to."
To this day I don't know how she came up with something in two and a half seconds that not only shut him up for the day, but silenced the rest of the kitchen for a good half hour.
Probably too late to the party, but I had a girl in Highschool tell me that I look like a girl(I'm a guy), and I fired back immediately,"you don't". I'm mic dropping was a thing then, that's all that could gave been added for savagery
baevar ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 09:17:09 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Friend was being a tiny bit overbearing and unforgiving in teaching another guy the board game we were playing, expecting him to learn everything about a complicated game in one explanation. Then he got a little bitchy because the other guy wasn't paying enough attention. "Are you EVEN paying attention?" "Paying attention to your apparent estrogen spike." Tears.
Alright. Two stories. I didn't witness either of them but have been told the stories repeatedly.
First happened to my dad. He was talking to a vet (the guy had an American flag prosthetic leg). My dad was walking his route (mailman), and was wearing both of his knee braces and limping a little bit. After a little bit of joking between them, the vet says "man, looks like you've got some shitty legs." My dad just looks down at the vet's prosthetic leg, pauses a few seconds and says "I think I'd rather have mine than yours. Or lack thereof." Luckily the guy laughed his ass off at it.
Second story is my friend was playing call of duty with two of his friends. One of the friends says to the other "dude. You are fucking trash at this game." He responds with "OH YEAH? WELL AT LEAST MY MOM'S NOT IN A FUCKING WHEELCHAIR!" Not really a smooth comeback, but I think the shock value made up for it.
Can't remember how the whole roasting match started, but I have a friend who is fostered because his mum died when he was little.
Anyway he said "You belly is like 6 inch over you pants." and I responded "yeah, and your mum is 6ft under ground"
Otlot ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 09:33:31 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Happened to me at my college which is pretty close to a zoo. I was snap chatting before class in the class room (taking selfies with the front cam) when some big bitchy girl turns around and yells at me because she though I was taking pictures of her.
FB: Can you stop taking pictures of me?
Me: Oh no I'm not taking them of you.
FB: Obviously you are, you're pointing the camera right at me asshole.
Me: I'd just go down the street to the zoo if I really wanted to do that.
The whole room just went silent and she just looked at me then turned back around. Ever since she sits on the opposite side of the room.
oz5791 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 09:35:15 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
When I was in the army a bloke said to one of the officer's " When am I going to get my promotion, as if it's not soon I am going to sign off". The officer told him to come straight to the office then and he will get the sign off forms ready. He wasn't expecting that.
I had a m8 always giving me attitude , his wife has 2 lazy eyes. 1day hes saying to me i know your single and ugly but you might meet a woman with a 2 lazy eyes and she won't notice , i replied seems to be working for you. Almost ended up having a fight with him for it.
Super late so super buried but, Professor Brothers quote, "You're the reason God doesn't talk to us anymore!"
jeffbr99 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 09:46:01 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
One of my class mates, who is overweight/built, is a wanna be hippy and go with the flow type of guy.
He was complaining to a teacher, whist wearing his earings, that it is sexist and unfair that the girls in our school can wear stud earings but he can't.
He was harping on about why they should be allowed to wear the earings when another class mate said that if he wants to wear earrings like the girls, he should also be expected to wear a bra like a girl as has bigger boobs than some girls!
Subgerbil ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 09:49:17 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Got to use this on a friend which I stole off reddit in the first place. "it's a joke not a dick, don't take it too hard." She wasn't best pleased
I was having an argument about the morality of selectively breeding humans with another student in the hallway of my high school. After a moment of particularly heated debate, the other student threw his hands in the air and loudly proclaimed "I'll say it, I support eugenics." At this moment our three hundred pound history teacher waddles by and without breaking her stride quips "It is a bit too late for you."
Njfurlong ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 09:58:30 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I had this employer (restaurant manager/owner,) who was a real show man type, would humiliate you infront of customers, he was a real man about town type. He was outside having a couple beers with a bunch of mates. I brought out a bag of takeaways that one of the men had ordered.
He spoke loudly in regards to me "No carry bag! Terrible service! Fucking joke" (none had been ordered by him obviously)
I responded as loud as clear as I could "yeah, the management freaking sucks in this place"
He shut right up, drowned out by the laughter of his mates..
Sooooooooooooo satisfying.
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 09:59:07 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
My brother, call him j, was in an argument during a pickup basketball game and one of the other players made a smart remark in regards to some shit talking j was doing...
J's response,"if I wanted a come back I would have wiped it off your moms face"!!
I immediately left and have not talked to my brother in 10 years.
Buying flowers for the girlfriend's birthday, the cashier says "OOP! Someone's in trouble!"
"Well, the car accident fixed that, I'm headed to a funeral."
Gen3rik ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 10:10:53 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Two kids walk into class and one kid is talking unrelenting crap to the other. The teacher was not in the room yet so he stayed persistent.
When he's out of insults he says 'what, you ain't got no come backs?' To which the other kid replies 'if you want cum back, you can get it from your mom's chin'.
The class erupted in laughter and the teacher walked in which brought the ordeal to a halt.
Junior high, I think grade 8 but maybe 9, our fairly cool science teacher is asking for male volunteers to help with a 'special project' (read; unpaid manual labour that at least gets you out of the class). I put my hand up, and as I was sometimes a cocksure & mouthy young man my teacher thought it would be okay to bust my balls a bit.
Mr.Teacher: "SociallyUnstimulated, this is physical work. You sure you're man enough to handle it?"
Me: "I'm the manliest person in this room, except maybe 'Karen' over there"
I don't feel super great about it, but it was one of the best 'crowd responses' I've ever gotten. Damn good for a middle school crowd. But despite minor frictions through school, 'Karen' was, and to the best of my knowledge is, a nice girl who didn't deserve to be called out in front of the class like that in a battle of wits she wasn't party to. And of course I did not get to that class off to slack off and move a desk or two, but did get out, to go to the principals. And got to come back a bit extra for some detentions
If I'd been Karen, I'd probably have said "I'll go move the thing for you."
1Daverham ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 10:19:51 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Once, a friend told a friend "I wish you felt better."
To be a smartass in quick response, she said, "I wish you smelt better."
lordsysop ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 10:22:19 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
My ex's 12yo sister once got me good... I was playing modern warfare i think and I did the whole "I've got the skills that pay the bills" without hesitation she's like "but you dont pay any bills".
My then @ 10 y/o daughter was going to this private school with a supposed advanced curriculum and mentally advanced students. We live in the US. One of the girls in her class showed up with a lot of makeup on one morning. The girl was asking the other girls how they liked the makeup job. My daughter says 'You look like a tart to me'. Daughter said the girl looks at her so strangely and says 'Why did you just call me a pastry?' Daughter is laughing, and it took a while before someone explained it to the girl wearing all the makeup.
Tart in British English means a young woman with loose morals or a prostitute. In the US that term is not so well known, but it is known, most usually in higher echelon places such as a private school where you find a more sophisticated population. So, by my daughter calling the girl a tart and having her not understand what it meant was humorous when she demanded to know why she'd been called a pastry; the common meaning in the US for tart.
neverp0st ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 10:48:00 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Told a girl I loved her. She said ditto. 13 year old me was shit on that day!
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 10:49:17 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I have german surname. I recall this time at primary school, after history class, learning about the 2nd world war. This polish guy (2nd generation immigrant) went around with a big smirk on his face, almost circling me at the lockers. When all of a sudden he asks me:
PG - You know what?
Me - No?
PG - You have the same surname as a nazist, hehe.
I get a stroke of genius and reply without a second of hesitation
Me - Oh Yeah, well you have the same surname as a cleaner.
The management team at my work has started doing daily walk throughs to discuss issues with machine operators. We just hired a new guy to take over the shipping department. He is constantly cracking the stupidest jokes. Yesterday he asked me if he should take over as my packager operator. I told him "What? This line has only just started running well. Why would I want that?" The other big wheels busted out laughing and he turned beet red. Then he tried to give me a fist bump and I grabbed his hand and said "paper beats rock. I win." I am hoping he stops with his dumb jokes.
You, my friend, were not born, your father ejaculated on the wall and the sunlight hatched you.
derfmai ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 11:00:13 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Three of my friends and myself were sitting at a bar taking turns telling jokes. One of my friends was born with his left arm missing just below the elbow so of course we called him Lefty.
When It's Lefty's turn to tell a joke he says: "How do you get a one armed pollock out of a tree?"
The rest of us groan, until I turn to him and say: "You're only allowed to tell that joke because you're Polish."
Everyone laughed like hell except for Lefty who punched me the arm. Never get punched by a one armed man. It felt like I got hit with a sledge.
I came into a team meeting at work at 7:30am one day. A coworker asked me how I was doing today, and I said "I'm good." Coworker replies with "well tell that to your face!"
When chastised for bad singing, Someone told Jessica Simpsons sister in some talent show that she uses auto tune and he doesn't... It was savage. Even Simon cowell cringed and lold at it
When my younger sister was in middle school I went to pick her up one day and saw her sitting with a group of friends. A kid walked by and commented to something her friend said with "your mom." Her friend immediately turned and said "My mom died in Iraq, you're welcome."
MMOB ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 11:04:05 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I'm told I was the one who gave it but don't remember it:
at my mothers work after school and her boss, a mechanic, is working on a car while 6 yo me watched intently
Boss: See that there on the battery terminal? That's called corrosion, can you say core-rose-un?
Me: No, but i can say idiot.
I was an asshole child.
schilpr ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 11:07:01 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Waiter at a restaurant after I (grown man) ask for a straw "ahhh, the little girl wants a straw."
Immediate response "ahhh, little server expected a tip."
There was 12 of us at the table, I was paying, no tip.
dadams19 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 11:13:55 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
This isent so much a burn but a really witty comeback. I used to work at Costco and the store manager would park his big fancy Mercedes-Benz in the spots for the tire bay customers or just as close to the store as possible. The policy was we had to park at the back of the lot and leave ths spots for customers. Anyway there was a store meeting and on guy asked "why can store manager park wherever he wants but we have to park at the back" the store manager replied with "when you pay $100 000 for a car you can park at the front too" the employees response was "well i paid $50 000 for my truck so i guess i can park halfway?"
I told my dad once I wanted to be a stand up comedian he responded with "sitting up, standing down, whatever, as long as you're not making money by laying on your back"
Thanks dad. I'm glad the only thing worse than being s comedian is being a prostitute and a shitty one a that who only offers missionary.
A guy I worked with was trying to describe something to me and I said I don't get it. He looks me right in the eyes and says that's not all you don't get in life... Like pussy, and respect!
I actually said this.
Shaun:"makes moaning sound"
me:"Don't make sounds you'll never hear"
Shaun:"the only sound you'll ever hear is this","makes pig noises"
me:"So that's what i have to expect from your mother"
Shaun:"You're fat"
rnick467 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 11:40:36 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I worked in a retail store years ago, and my department manager was having an argument with the store general manager. The general manager told my boss "I'd fire you but you'd probably kill me then kill yourself." My boss came back with "You're half right."
"How would you feel if mom said that about you when you were on trial?"
(Person was arrested for armed robbery. Found not guilty.)
lamdersar ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 11:47:54 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
4 year old cousin was playing with Legos.
Me: what chu building, Oscar?
Oz: a king crab.
Me: a king crab without its crown? Here.
Hand him one yellow piece
Oz: look of disgust One yellow piece? Really, man?
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 11:52:27 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Friend's math teacher in high school was a geek. One Friday he assigned 75 or 100 problems for homework. Just before he left the classroom, he teased his students: "Have fun this weekend...with your homework!" Friend's classmate replied, "Have fun this weekend...with your mom!" Teacher cried as he walked out.
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 11:59:05 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Really proud of this one. This one guy would always criticize whatever i said. I was chatting in class to my friends and made a joke.
He: Dude shut up and stop making the same joke. Its so overused.
When I was in 4th grade, I was given a gold chain bracelet with my initials engraved into it. She always called me by my first and middle initial, so I lived this gift.
One day in music class, this kid asked me if it came out of a bubble gum machine. I was a pretty shy kid, so I kept quiet. But immediately this other kid who I want even friends with said, "You got your brain out of a gumball machine."
I'm not sure why he spoke up for me, but it was great. It's stuck with me these 30+ years.
bergr01 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 11:59:45 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Do YouTube search for 'jimmy Carr hecker'
Nookanoob ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 12:01:53 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Guy I work with has depression but is known for constantly talking about it and relating anything to a reason to kill himself (in a sort of attention joke way). One day he was talking to the kinda quiet guys and as a joke said "oh shut up Jake I'll kill you" a pretty standard joke with those friends we all have a very abusive humour to each other. This was when Jake replied with "yeah well you couldn't even kill yourself so I'm not too worried" cue the deathly silence then non stop laughter
AlexT__ ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 12:12:10 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
A couple years ago in a big Skype chat fight with a friend, I'm short and he had just gotten dumped for context.
I don't know what I wrote before this but he sent:
"Wow, big words for such a small guy"
My other friend suggested I say:
"Why did you have such a short relationship for such a tall guy?"
He ended up threatening to brake my wrists.
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 12:15:18 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
A girl in school was mocking her friend for sharing a bed with another girl at a sleepover the 3 were at. The conversation went along the lines of:
Girl 1: "Haha, you slept with [girl 3]! You must be a lezzo!"
Girl 2: "Look, it's not my fault you wanted to join us so bad."
The classroom went dead silent before applause broke out.
Girl 1 now has a steady girlfriend, so there's that.
Seekyace ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 12:16:03 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Dealt this one myself, quite proud of it.
Once we were cleaning up after practice and this girl was standing around as I put away the equipment.
"Can't you be more useful and do it faster?"
"What about you? You can't even stand there and look pretty"
Got a few high fives but suffer her wrath from that day onwards. Worth it.
Novacryy ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 12:17:13 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Guy beside me was talking in class, teacher was kinda annoyed and asked.
" Is that anything interesting you're talking about right now? "
He obviously said " no"
Teacher replied: " yeah.. Thought so."
tjmtjm1 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 12:24:12 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Co-worker 1, a no-filter type, walks by Co-worker 2 and says, "I'm working this corner, not you," insinuating that Co-worker 2's skirt was on the short side. Without missing a beat, Co-worker 2 snaps, "You'd starve." and walks off. Best thing I've ever witnessed.
Playing a basketball game and this 6'10 opponent is a salty huge shit and when I got into the game he said "Im gonna get you motherfucker" to which I replied "Doubt you could catch me while I fucked your mom". Favorite basketball rekt moment
tjmtjm1 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 12:27:31 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
You're right. Meant ethnic groups as opposed to race #partoftheproblem
During a pick up basketball game I was waiting for our team to play. A group of college guys were playing that we saw there regularly. One guy always wore a handkerchief but wasn't that day. I yelled "Where is your bandana?" He yelled back "At your mom's house!" I yell back to him after the laughter "That's good because my mom's a gay man!" Laughter everywhere ensues.
mrokb ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 12:38:08 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
We had a "Trouble Maker" in our class called Marvin, he was a really cool guy but had trouble at home etc so showed up a lot, was nice when you got him on his own. One day he turned up late for our technology lesson and the teacher wanted his diary to issue him a detention. A disagreement ensued resulting in Marvin asking the teacher to stop or he will say something the teacher wouldn't like... that thing was "Yeah, but your wife's dead" ... Teachers wife died of cancer about 3/4 months prior. Wasn't nice.
Pr0x1mo ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 12:40:23 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Probably to this, but a lot of this happened in books a million. There was this barista chick. She was actually kinda hot except she had snaggle teeth. She was thick, and she was a musician who played live acoustic songs so she was sort of snooty and thought highly of herself, always interrupted peoples conversations at work for attention and to throw herself into the mix.
One day my co-worker (who she didn't like) was talking to my manager about school so he says
him: Man i hate this fucking class
her: (walking by ease dropping) not as much as i hate your face
him: not as much as you hate your dentist.
There was another kid at work. Really tough kid who loved to fight. HE was by no means a sissy but he wore skinny jeans. I think he did this to provoke people to give him attention in a negative way to purposely chin check them so he had a line up of comebacks when someone commented on his skinny jeans.
Random: those pants are so gay
Him: i do it on purpose whats your excuse?
Random: those pants are so tight
Him: it was the biggest thing your mom could pull out of your dads closet when i left this morning.
I've got 2. One is my brother the other is a friend. Both happened when I was younger.
1) My brother was real moody and rebellious growing up, more than the standard adolescent, but damn was he sharp with this comeback. So, we were driving back from somewhere and my brother and I were probably 12 and 13. He's in shotgun and mom is driving while the two of them argue. I'm in the backseat just stifling laughter. At one point, mom says, "If you keep this up, you're going to wind up in hell" and without missing a single beat, my brother grew a regrettable pair of brass balls and said "Well, then save me a good fucking seat!" .... He walked the last mile back home.
2) unfortunately I can't remember the particulars surrounding this one, just the comeback. But, in high school, two friends of mine were having like a weeklong spat and were going at it again. One of them finally started to take the high road and not respond, but the other just kept laying into him. So the pestering one finally says, "What? no comeback?" To which my friend immediately fires back, "If you want my cum back, go suck it out your mother's cunt." I almost pissed myself and it actually ended their fight cause the other guy had to give him such props.
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 12:51:01 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
If I needed cum back, I'd get it off your mom's chin
My friends in school dared me to do something way too risky to pull off. At my refusal, friend started calling me a pussy (he was an ugly, dorky kid). My response: Well, you are what you eat.
At the checkout a lady with kids had invaded the less than ten items lane with a ridiculous load. There was a drunk behind her. Words were exchanged when she pulled out coupons then the drunk said, "they must be twins", woman stopped and asked why, he then said, "No one would have fucked you twice" I dropped my groceries.
One time my friends were arguing on Facebook. One of them is gay, and the other was riding on him about coming out of the closet. Gay friend says maybe he should come out if he likes talking about it so much. Other friend makes some weird retort. Gay friend replies "How's Narnia?". Busted my ass laughing so hard at that one that I use it to this day.
ekobeko ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 13:00:39 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Someone on Reddit asked this question and I remember this one in particular:
A dude was playing vidyas and someone said on voice chat "Why does your breath smell like my dick?" and the other guy instantly replied "Because I've been eating out your sister"
There's a video online of two high school girls arguing, they keep yelling insults at each other in the hall, and then one of the girls says "you're fucking your step brother!" And they start to throw hands after everyone starts ohhing
dcrowle ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 13:09:32 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Cricket is a slow fucking sport. Don't get me wrong, I love it, but it takes too long. One of the best past times, especially as Aussies is thinking up shit to say to put the other player, usually the batsman, off. This one always gets me as one of the best, even though an Aussie was on the receiving end...
One of the all time great bowlers, Glenn McGrath was getting frustrated at being unable to dismiss little known Zimbabwean cricketer Eddo Brandes.
McGrath: โWhy are you so fat?โ
Brandes ย โBecause every time I fuck your wife, she gives me a biscuit.โ
The funny thing is, several years later, his wife died of cancer...
paulpow67 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 13:10:12 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I was a senior in high school and it was valentine's day. One of my friends notices one of teachers has a lot of valentine's day card on his desk. The teacher was also a coach for us for football.
My friend ask "Hey coach, I see you got a lot of valentine's cards."
Teacher replies "Yeah, tell your momma I say thanks."
The class explodes with laughter and my friend gets sad and sits in the back of the room.
There was a guy that I used to work with in a call center. He was a supervisor of the other employees that had a physical disability. These were our VIP agents. The most common was blindness. He himself was blind.
His story was that one time in the 80's or early 90's, he was robbed. When he refused to give up his wallet, someone shot him in the face with a shotgun. He didn't have a lot of scars or anything due to this but he lost his sight and somehow survived .
Fast forward to about 3 years ago. I was part of the internal helpdesk and they set us a row over from the "VIP" agents so that if their JAWS application broke we could run over and fix it.
I heard him coaching one of his agents. He said "I don't know why you don't know how to troubleshoot a router. You have been doing this for years. You have done this a million times."
I heard another one of the VIP agents say "Just like how you had two blue eyes before?"
The supervisor said "what?"
The VIP agents said "You know, like how one of your eyes blew to the left and the other blew to the right?"
They all started laughing.
That was the sickest burn I had ever heard. It is so fucked up in every way and it just still gets me how the WHOLE team just started laughing including the supervisor that was shot in the face.
Blind people have a hell of a sense of humor.
danivus ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 13:12:30 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I don't want to toot my own horn but...
I was once dragging this cabinet on wheels across the floor and work, and the office bitch chimes in "You're supposed to walk dogs, not cabinets!"
To which I replied "Why, you wanna go for a walk?"
At the end of speech class, we were doing a roast and toast. my friend and I started roasting the guy behind me, who was part of the Army Reserves. When he did his last speech, whenever a picture of him came up he would say something like "Who's that handsome guy?"
I asked him "What is heavier to carry, the backpack of rocks in boot camp or your ego?"
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 13:52:59 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
To my brothers old friend
Him; so man what have you been doing lately?
Me; nothing much man same old, same old.
Me; what about you? Still jumping in shallow pools?
When we were younger I always remembered this guy for breaking his neck trying to dive in an above ground pool.
I'm late to the party but I wanted to share the best comeback I've ever received. To understand the full extent of this sick burn I need to explain that I have Hemophilia which is a bleeding disorder.
I don't recall what my friend and I were arguing about but I was winning so my friend quipped back with "Well at least my blood clots properly!"
I was stunned for a few moments before we all busted out laughing. Even now one of our friends will bring it up occasionally as in I can't believe you said that.
TrollJack ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 14:06:40 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Puh... if i needed a comeback I'd wipe it off your chin...
12648-01 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 14:10:15 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
nomecks ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 14:15:55 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Somethingawful ran an article about crazy women who miscarried and made blogs (with photos!) about their miscarriages. One of them decided to email and show their disgust:
Mr Parsons (and i use the the term Mr very loosely)
How dare you use peoples heartbreak as your own humour... The person you have posted about who is mourning the loss of her babies is a friend of mine, i met her through a charity of wonderful supportive women who havent been blessed with fortune of having a living baby. I myself have lost 4 babies and it tears my heart out everyday.
You disgust me!
I was done playing around.
The reply was expected, but still savage:
Your poison womb is making heaven too fucking crowded.
- Zack
Little bro idolizes older bro. We were shopping together and little bro follows big bro around lookong at the shirts he looks at, tries on the shoes he tries, etc. Eventually older bro goes "stop following me around, you're like a fly on shit!" with out missing a beat lil bro goes "I'd rather be the fly." and walks away
My roommate in college was standing outside one of the school buildings smoking a cigarette. Some snide ass kid says, as he walks by with his friends, "smoking is bad for your health" and begins snickering. My roommate, without missing a bit, replies "so is running your mouth."
In high school art .a big girl who thought she was the funniest thing on planet earth kept cracking shitty jokes and smug remarks. Then she said " I'm so funny right .? I'm like one of the three stooges! Which one would I be ?
I turned to her and simply said . "Well by the size of you all three."
"A Stone Crow's axe is always sharp, and Shagga's axes are sharpest of all. Once I cut off a man's head, but he did not know it until he tried to brush his hair. Then it fell off."
"Is that why you never brush yours?" The Stone Crows roared and stamped their feet, Shagga hooting loudest of all.
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 14:24:18 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I had a Friend (call him Rob) that could be really annoying when he tried to. One day we were hanging out with a couple of other people and he starts being a dick to our fat friend (call him Bob).
Then the fat friend proceeds to say "That's why your dad doesn't love you."
Rob: "My dad left me when I was young" he says trying to make Bob feel bad.
I actually want to chime in here. Around my local group of friends, I have a reputation for savage comebacks. I was speaking with a friend of mine, throwing verbal jabs back and forth, when his response was that he was invisible. My retort? "Only in the eyes of every woman you've ever loved." I felt bad for days.
I was working in a movie theater in a mall in the downtown of a large city. We got all kinds of people who only came in to use the bathroom. Normally, we wouldn't care, but we had just gone through a summer of numerous people using the bathrooms as a place to shoot up and actually had some ODs, so we changed the policy and turned away all non-customers.
One day, I'm at the door and this lady with a huge backpack, a clearly broken foot and a ferret on her back walks up to me and tries to use the bathroom. I tell her its customers only, and she tells me I can go fuck myself and goes in. I call my boss over and he waits patiently for her to come out. He asks if she is alright before telling her that the bathrooms are for customers only and he will call security the next time she does that.
Her response: "Oh yeah, well I'll make sure to make your mom scream that out when I'm butt fucking her tonight in the bedroom above her garage where you sleep, you tubby piece of shit."
Raksso ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:00:53 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
If i wanted a comeback i would wipe it off your mothers face.
Soulren ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:06:09 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Roommate was giving the new flatmate shit for hanging around with his male friend all the time. This guy is pretty chill and hadn't really said much about anyone since he moved in. So she was insinuating he was gay making stupid jokes etc. Unfortunately she forgot he knew her relationship with her BF was pretty shitty. So after a while he turned, looked her in the eye and said "at least we have a stable relationship". I never OOOH Shited so fucking hard in my life.
neenos ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:12:35 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Roommate in college came home very late and we said to him" where the hell have you been?"....he replied " who are you? My wife?"
Draiko ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:17:29 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)*
"Your mother's deaf"
"My mother's dead, you little twerp."
"I guess that's why she didn't move around a lot"
Such an underrated movie.
Cobbius ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:20:12 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
My buddy has a cleft chin. One day at baseball practice I said "Shawn I like your butt chin." Without missing a beat he says "I like your mom's chin with my balls on it."
Chikotey ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:20:57 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
It happened back in high school. We were all at a buddies house playing poker. One of our friends had just beaten cancer (well almost) and he was talking shit about my girlfriend at the time and then he looks toward my chips and says, "hey looks like those big blinds are killing you" to which I said, "oh, really...you know what's killing you......cancer."
Wish that was the last joke, but then the next time we play he goes right back at it, "looks like you're low on your chips" to which I respond, "looks like you're a little low on white blood cells"
Not my proudest moments
novonn ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:23:38 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Conversation in Taco Bell between my friend, who was a senior in high school, and a random guy.
During the "what are those?" Phase. I work with kids and one of my second graders did the whole "what are thoooooosee?" Thing to another who swiftly responded, "kicks you can't afford."
New to company. Find out boss is silly and has many guys friends who will roast each other, all light hearted and fun. I want to fit in but am uncomfortable b/c idk what is appropriate and I am new. Manager jokingly kept asking me if I thought other employee was an asshole, he repeated it like five or six times so finally I said to both of them "you are what you eat."
spyd3rr ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:43:00 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Back in high school, I had a friend who was permanently handicapped and in a wheelchair. One day there was this presentation and someone was standing instead of sitting down in his chair, blocking my friend's view.
My friend got pretty annoyed after the dude didn't sit down for a long time and eventually got fed up and said "hey, how about you sit down?"
The guy turns around, clearly angry, takes a look at my wheelchair friend, and goes "fool how about you STAND UP??"
Damn that was cold.
Aiox123 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:43:14 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I'll stop sucking dick when you start fucking bitches.
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:48:32 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I was talking to my friend about an ex-girlfriend that I wanted to get back in touch with the hopes of another romantic entanglement, and he just said "Why don't you just take her to a museum since you like bringing up the past so much."
A friend of mine told a girl at a bar that she smelled like "a dirty turtle tank" and she slapped him. From what I understood, she was just very full of herself and then on top of that said something rude to my friend.
In my health class, this girl sitting behind me kept talking shit about me. It was always stupid stuff about how I talk too much or how my jokes suck or whatever. So one day we were doing a group project and we had to put our names on a piece of paper and so I wrote my name and then drew the Nirvana logo. When my health teacher pulled my name he asked me why I drew the Nirvana logo I pointed to the girl behind me and said "Because she makes me want to pull a Kurt Cobain." The room was silent. My teacher didn't even get mad he just moved on.
I was walking my corgi, and on our route we were stuck in between two black dogs that we barking at eachother. So we navigate through that, the corgi is pissed.... woof woof woof. We get out of that, and this weird guy with a mustache and pink shorts start screaming at me "YOU NEED TO GET YOUR DOG TRAINING, I'm calling the police".... corgi starts barking at him, and I scream "SHE IS TRAINED TO BARK AT ASSHOLES"... got pinky to shut up
I overheard this girl complaining to this guy around 10 at night outside the gas station. She was upset about something and it was something like, "I'm so tired of this (or you)" and he responds, "then go to sleep bitch!" and proceeded to walk into the store without her. I was like, oh, snap.
Late to the party, but here it goes... I was going to visit my mom and my younger brother and some of his friends were there hanging out in the garage. He has one friend in particular that loves saying horrible shit a just to get a rise out of people and he was present. My daughter was 2 at the time, and that fucker said, "Hey, tell daughter that I'm sorry for not calling her back after last night." The room fell pretty quiet probably due to the implication of this guy fucking a baby, but I immediately responded with "My daughter told me she was getting some baby dick, I just never thought it'd be attached to a grown-ass man" Laughter erupted and this dude just hung his head down knowin he had no other option than to absorb the burn he'd been dealt. I see him every now and then and he always calls that the greatest comeback he's ever heard.
effieokay ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:14:01 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I told my 2.5 year-old that we couldn't have cookies after we brushed out teeth for bed.
My husband goes "Mama's boring" because way to back me up on stuff, Dad.
I've heard variations of it before plenty of places but hearing it actually used in a very public arguement, the whole bar was like "god damn".....Anyway, this guy arguing with his ex (I, and the whole bar, know it was his ex because it was mentioned during their fight) she was in the process of calling his date every word she could think of for a loose woman so he called her something and she made the mistake of repeating it back in a mocking voice. He fired back "if I wanted my own come back I'd have wiped it off you fucking face." That girl turned bright red and just sort of stammered a minute before the predicable crying and storming out yelling "You're a fucking asshole" yadda yadda. It was pretty funny to watch. College town drama at it's finest.
My friend heard his crush call him a pussy through a mutual friend. He confronted her about it and then she said it again to his face. His only response was "you are what you eat ;)"
For any drunken peasants fans who probably aren't kicking around in here. "Put your money where your mouth is" -- said by a guy with no teeth. "Put some teeth where your mouth is"-- retort from a show host.
Overheard it at an arguement at a gas station. Person 1: Hey you wanna learn how to drive?!
Person 2: Whatever man.
Person 1: I was mid turn and you almost hit me you asshole! I didn't think they let retards drive!
Person 2: Thats what you get for thinking when the smartest part of you dripped down your mother's leg.
This man, I envy his quip.
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:30:20 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
[deleted]
SamHunny ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 08:03:57 on September 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
No parent should believe a kid kicked in the dick would be jumping on the bed.
TroaX ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:43:46 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Knew a friend of mine who was dating someone who cheated on him multiple times for about 3 years. Anyway eventually he found out and as she was getting her shit out of his house she brought her new gf. (Oh yeah she was first cheating on him with a dude but then started cheating with a girl.) Anyway back on track so after she's done she decides to try to talk to him, up until this point he'd not said a word. She proceeded to try and attack his manhood you know how girls go your tiny he or she does it better than you. Well they get into it and her gf jumps in. He tells them both to leave and his ex goes. "Don't worry about him baby he just mad cause you do it so much better than him. " and he snaps back at her with "Bitch the only thing good about her came out of fucking plastic container." and then slammed the door.
My friends and I were hanging out and one of our friends (we'll call him James) lives with his mom (who has leukemia) and siblings. We were all hanging out at James house alone and James keeps bugging my good friend (we'll call him Aiden) about him being fat. This keeps going on until Aiden snaps and says calmly "My family may be fat but at least I have a dad and a mom who doesn't have leukemia" and James just said well played
dro8746 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:08:40 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Maybe not the most savage but it blew me away as a kid:
"Fuck you, you cock-eyed cunt!"
That was my mom and she said that to another woman she was arguing with.
imraven ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:19:51 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
At the movie theater trying to buy tickets to a sold out movie. After the kiosk said it was sold out I fairly loudly said: "fuck". Some teenagers near me said: "you can't talk like that, this is a public area". So i said "your mom's a public area" and walked away to their dumbfounded looks.
I was with a group of co workers slash friends out drinking, well it comes up I'm autistic (high functioning and I try and hide it well) any who, some guy I didn't particularly care for pipes up "wow, you don't look retarded" to which I responded "funny, you don't look stupid"
I still think of this every time i see my cousin and hope she forgot it by now since it was roughly 15 years ago. She only met her father a couple of times by the time we were 11 years old and it was a touchy subject, but she still threw stones from her glass house. My parents had just gotten divorced so she did the obvious thing that 11 year olds do and made fun of it. So as calmly as possible so she knew it was cold and calculated and that I wouldn't have a sorry bone in my body after the shit she just pulled, I told her that if our dads had one thing in common its that they're both none of her business. We didn't talk about the divorce after that.
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 20:30:18 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
One day, a kid in my 4th period was being a cunt and making racist jokes. He said:"Why don't you go jump in a furnace and die?", to which I responded:"At least I have a choice. Your grandparents were forced." (His family is Jewish.)
Eterrossy ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 20:34:34 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
That guy on another Reddit thread who when asked "Aren't you a bit too old to play video games?" by an old guy, he replied "Aren't you a bit too old to be alive?". Again, not me but savage AF.
I can't find the screenshots of this but once on twitter a girl just wrote something like:
"hey feminists, if nipples aren't sexual organs and you want show them then why don't you show your assholes too? those are not sexual organs..."
And a girl just responded
"Women don't feed children with their assholes but apparently your mother did since all that comes out of your mouth is shit"
I screamed.
katybee13 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 21:57:28 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
"You have the brain of a 4 year old boy and I bet he was glad to get rid of it." - Groucho Marx
A friend of mine with an absentee father was making fun of a closer friend of mine for being adopted. My friend was obviously offended, but too timid to tell him to stop. Eventually I got sick of listening and said, "at least he found two parents who actually love and want him, unlike you, you fatherless piece of shit."
kekokek ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 22:27:44 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
This was actually 3 weeks ago and it's my own comeback.
There's a friend, let's call him Bob. Bob and I never really got along, he used to bully me growing up but slowly stopped, however he never apologized. Bob is friends with some of my friends, so when I heard Bob was moving I decided to come along and say bye. The first thing he says to me when he see's me is, "Hey x, still eating dogs?" (Because I'm Korean). I laugh and respond, "No, but I fucked yours". He laughed because he thought it was funny because it didn't make much sense.
2 days later after he moved about 5 states away, he found out I've been fucking his older sister for the past 3 weeks while she's been back from college. How did he find out? I told all my friends and told them to each personally message him the same exact story. Cya l8r Bob, I'll miss your sister's pussy.
Me and my boy are inline at McDonald's and it's a long ass wait. Out of nowhere this chick comes in, sees her friend who's ahead of us, and cuts the entire line.
My boy, having none of this, politely reminds her that there's a line. She gets all cutesy, flirty, and fuck what not. She ends up saying something along the lines of "yeah, I'm pretty so I should be able to skip you ugly losers."
This niqqa, without missing a beat, says "maybe ten pounds ago."
tigburt ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:27:10 on September 18, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
This one time I went over to a dominatrixes loft-we had met through my ex girlfriends roommates friends--I brought 2bottles of wine and she had a 1.5 liter of some Carlo Rossi--she got super hammered I barely got any wine (m.d. Phillips petite Petit was one of them). She makes me watch hustle and flow cuz she says I remind her of the white dude making beats. Long story short I make a move while the second film, house of a thousand corpses is playing in the background. I knew I had to make a move so I kissed her, she ends up getting on the floor so hesitate and then decide I'm gonna straddle her....she says something to me like "do you think you can fuck me" or something-I didn't know what to do so I got off her and she sits up laughing maniacally. She downs the last glass of wine and throws the glass behind her, shattering somewhere on the floor behind us. For the next until I passed out, I sat on the couch humiliated while a barefoot naked dominatrix sung "like a virgin" to me; dancing somewhere in the darkness. There's more details, like weed and toilets and you know; normal stuff but suffice to say I've never been humiliated like this before..I think
When the British PM Benjamin Disraeli was heckled in Parliament for being a Jew he responded thus:
Yes, I am a Jew, and when the ancestors of the right honorable gentleman were brutal savages in an unknown island, mine were priests in the temple of Solomon.
I once told my high school math teacher that I wished I could grow a mustache like hers.
tophOCMC ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 04:56:09 on September 18, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I'm super late but hopefully some one gets this.
I'm talking with a friend and his nine year old, explaining the benefits of being raised in a split house hold. A child of divorce. I list off two of everything Christmas, birthdays, weekends away from home and I get to thanksgiving. It should be noted that I'm getting older and the weight is starting to show from my poor diet.
Little Shit and ME
ME: so yeah it's cool, I even got two thanksgivings growing up.
LS:Two thanksgivings?! That explains that! (Gestures at my belly)
ME: Fuck you.
I said fuck you to a nine year old in front of his dad and we all had a good laugh about it because the kid wrecked me. I finished my bottle of jack that night. And a couple burgers.
There was a jerky little Short Man Syndrome cook in my army unit. He ended up with a gullet full of drugs one night (first time) and end up in bed with another soldier (probably first time). They got caught.
When the news got out he tried to kill himself and ended up on a pych ward for a few months.
He returned to the unit. One morning we were in the chow line and my buddy Lorne wanted a bigger serving of scrambled eggs. The cook gets all power-trippy and making bizarre threats.
Lorne: "What are you going to do? Kill yourself on my eggs?"
The chow line went quiet.
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:36:22 on September 20, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Was outside a game store a while back talking about how an older kid was cheating and taunting kids and forcing them to quit with a group of friends. The older kid happened to be there and was laughing and playing it off like it was funny. Then one of the half dozen or so friends there goes: "Why do you have to be such an asshole?"
Older kid: "That's a bit harsh, they shouldn't play if they can't take it. It's just who I am."
Friend there (who works at, and was fresh off the job from, Pizza Hut) says with a straight face: "We've got an oven for that points at Pizza Hut"
Older kid was Jewish. Rest of us took one laugh and cringed. Older kid walked off crying. Pizza Hut friend didn't realize what he did until right then. It was an offhanded work joke to the wrong person. Still savage as hell.
Guy: You're just angry because you have to bleed from your vagina.
Girl: You're gonna be bleeding from your vagina in a minute...
jbr2343 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 23:09:02 on September 20, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
So I grew up on a dairy and before I could drive I would haul hay during the summers and cut wood in the winter to pay for my first pickup. One day the guy i was working for (Jr in highschool, I was a freshman), Looked over at me in the passenger seat counting money after i had just been paid from the milking cows. He said "Damn man, how'd you get all that money, suckin' dick?" Without missing a beat, I replied "Naah... squeezin' titty." Needless to say all three of us lost it right there.
I was on a discord server talking to my friends about something, and out of nowhere, this other guy who goes to the same school as my friends sorta hijacks the conversation. Admittedly the conversation was in the public chat, so he really didn't do anything to warrant my savage burn.
The conversation was about this character, and I was telling them about how he is the secret Dad of the protagonist. And then he chimes in saying something like, "I wish I had a secret dad." And then it hits me. This guy is adopted. Without missing a beat I type "Your entire family is a secret", then immediately gained a level on our server. I still feel like kind of an asshole, but the reactions were priceless. :)
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 23:24:02 on September 16, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
If you want my comeback, get it off your moms face.
Bezelkk ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:45:07 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
When I was 14 (now 18). I was having a heated arguement with my friend. Then mid conversation - I asked him this
Me: How would you feel if i fucked your mom?
friend: I wouldn't care
Me: You don't care if your mom gets raped? what a shitty son
friend: Not really - We would be even
[deleted] ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 17:13:53 on September 16, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I've told this one before, and I'm still irritated that I couldn't enjoy it in the moment.
Some of my mom's scrapbooking friends (about 50% of which I hate) were over at her house for a get together, and when I arrived there I found my mother wearing a scrapbooking shirt that had graffiti style lettering and wearing a large gold necklace. So I, of course, promptly informed my very white, grey haired mother that she looked like a gangster. My mother objected good naturedly, my sister agreed with me, and one of my mother's friends goes:
"See, this is why I don't have children and only have cats. They don't talk back to me. They just go 'meow meow meow feed me! meow meow meow pet me!'"
And I didn't even think about it. I just immediately said: "Meow meow meow you look like a gangster!"
It was only several days later when I got to thinking about it that I realized how much her comments pissed me off.
Volfie ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 21:49:05 on September 16, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Nancy Pelosi asked Ted Cruz why he wanted to defund Obamacare. His reply: Unlike you, I actually read it.
BOOM.
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:43:32 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Whenever someone accuses me of farting i say, "Nah, thats just some asshole talking shit behind my back."
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:54:22 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Me, today:
C: Oh damn my pencil's dull
Me: Just use a pen
Me: this is actually just a commercial for SharpieTM
C: My life is a commercial
Me: For an abortion clinic
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 04:15:57 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
A guy I knew got a blowjob at a party from a girl. He walks out of the room fixing his clothes and says, "Jesus Christ, Carrie, You'd think with as many times as you've done that you'd be better at it."
ejstopk ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 04:52:52 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
In middle school a girl told me that the way that I dress you wouldn't think that my family was well off. I quickly responded the way you look you wouldn't think your mom was the lunch lady.
Her mom was the lunch lady.
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 04:54:42 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Friend : "8chan is the worst part of the internet"
Me: "No that would be Clintons Twitter." (He is a huge pro Clinton )
Girl in highschool was talking to my English teacher. He was a cool guy and acted like he cared about girls problems when they sat around his desk and gossiped.
Well one day the girl says something along these lines: "I don't like going to the beach with my boyfriend right now because he doesn't have any abs, but I found this one guy that has a 6 pack and we go to the beach sometimes and he's so hot. He's kinda not as nice to me but I'm thinking of dumping my bf for him."
Teacher says the most amazing comeback I've heard. Well coming from a teacher.
"You know they got a name for girls like you. Starts with S ends with lut"
I think this was a post on reddit a while ago but when the French and the British were at war with each other a British general said that "you French fight for money while we fight for honor" and in turn French general said that "we all fight for what we lack the most" pretty Savage haha I can't find the post tho
Let's test that theory by telling it to our loving wives this evening. As we're settling into bed, after an evening spent enjoying our totally real adult relationship, we'll express that opinion.
I will express it to my wife and mother of my children.
You, on the other hand, will have no one to express it to. Because you are alone and unloved by anyone. Not because they are overly sensitive, but because you are a repulsive human being that no one can fathom spending their life with.
Man 1: "Well the Jerk store called. They're running out of you."
Man 2: "What's the difference? You're their all time best seller."
rSkogey ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:22:45 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
One of the fattest kids in my school asked (about money) during world history class "Is 100 Pounds considered a lot?", and i replied "Well you've got like 500, do the math."
The teacher had to leave the room.
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:26:43 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
A total cunt of a girl (who had attempted suicide by pills) slapped me in the face for no reason in high school. I told her "pills are for pussies, use a gun next time cunt". There was utter silence. Total victory.
saiensu ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:45:40 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Guy: Im still waiting on your comeback
Jimmy Carr: well if you want my come back you'll have to wipe it off your mums face.
Playing soccer last summer with some friends. My one friend was playing well below average, and he usually isn't that bad. He was on our team. We were getting our asses kicked. At point I yelled across the field, "We should start calling you Messy, with a Y."
My friend was fucking around in gym class once and the teacher said "Adam! There's no I in team!" To which he replied "No but there's a U in cunt". You can guess what happened next.
carpeggio ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:49:12 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Friend say to my suitemate , "Dang, man that was pretty stupid." After they get caught with alcohol. He replies with, "Yea, well you are short." Friend says back, "I can buy a booster seat, or tall shoes. Good luck getting a new brain." I called 911, burn unit.
rawbface ยท -2 points ยท Posted at 18:21:55 on September 16, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
"the Jerk Store called, they're running out of you!"
F3d0ra ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 22:49:36 on September 16, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
This might not fit the title (or subreddit for that matter) but i felt like a goddamn fool afterward. For context I usually leave my weed at my friends house as we were underage and his parents were less strict.
In school lunch break 3 black kids were bullying this 1 Irish kid. Black kid asked him "does it rain Guinness in Ireland?" Irish kid replied "I don't know, does it rain bananas in the jungle?"
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:04:17 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
can't read a story about an Irishman without picturing Conor McGregor as the Irishman
[deleted] ยท -12 points ยท Posted at 17:09:28 on September 16, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
[deleted]
[deleted] ยท 12 points ยท Posted at 17:34:57 on September 16, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
On my motorcycle on the Vegas strip and witnessed a break up of two Americanized Asians
Girl screaming totally crazy.
Guy "sorry I don't speak cuntanese, but I hope you can find a way back to LA"
He turned the other direction to only what I could think was freedom and his car.
[deleted] ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 04:39:54 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Agri teacher I use to have was a cowboy wanna be.
One day one of the students was acting up, and the teacher said "Brandon I'm gonna carry you to the office!" Brandon replied "If it's all the same to you, I think I'll walk." Typing it out doesn't seem so funny, but listen to him say it, and Brandon's witty come back was something of legend.
rhysmus ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 22:54:22 on September 16, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Just happened yesterday:
We were all in a group and I was talking about how my partner wants kids at 30. Which I said to them that I replied to he saying "fine, we will just have a disabled kid then" (the older you are the more higher risk of having a disabled kid you'll have). This is where my friend said "yeah but my mum had me when she was 36" and another friend replied "Yeah! Prime example!"
In retail, a women was complaining that we didn't have any XXL sweatshirts. She said something along the lines of "You would think a store of this size could afford a to have a few XXL sweatshirts for women."
My co-worker (it was his last day before leaving for college), just looked her in the face and said, "Ma'am you are right. We could afford to carry a few XXL's, just like you could afford to lose a few pounds."
She just walked out the store and left her current purchase on the counter without finishing the transaction.
Our school had a "School Spirit Week" where we participate in certain activities. Well on this particular day our school decided to have a teamed relay race outside on the soccer field. So there's about 30 or so people in this race and maybe 100 or so watching from the sidelines. The race starts. First lap you need to do the wheel barrel, second lap you need to run backwards.
Now for the third lap you had to pick up your partner and piggy back them around the course.
A kid with some kind of mental illness ( not down syndrome but pretty down close ) immediately stood up, walked in front of the 100 or so people. had the biggest smirk on his face all while giggling to himself. Raises both hands up to his mouth to make a microphone effect and shouts.
"IMAGINE CARRYING GEORGE!!" then runs for the hills.
I(guy) used to wear a thin gold bracelet....A guy I worked with who had a way nicer, thicker and more masculine and expensive bracelet once commented 'haha why u wear your baby sister bracelet?' I told him my baby sister gave this too me shortly before she passed away...he said 'shit Im so sorry bro, I didn't know'...I said don't apologize I don't have a baby sister...but just think about how cheap you felt today before you ridicule anyone else.
Hanging out with my little lesbian posse, my weird ex-girlfriend (who has been trying to convince me to get back with her) said "BRB gonna pee, don't roofie my drink". L'esprit de l'escalier came early that day and i casually said "like I'd need to". Felt really satisfied with myself.
The only permanent thing about you is your tattoo's.
JasperYu ยท -1 points ยท Posted at 21:03:07 on September 16, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
couple of guys arguing, one guy says to fuck off, and the other guy just fires back with "no, you fuck off". at which point the first person says the most savage thing i've ever heard: "if i wanted my own comeback, I would've wiped it off your mother's face."
mtmcpher ยท -1 points ยท Posted at 01:38:22 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)*
I was out at a bar in college and asked to buy a girl a drink. Her: " I have a boy friend."
Me: "well I have a goldfish,"
Her: "what"
Me: "oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking bout shit that didn't matter"
"If I wanted a comeback I'd have clawed it out of your mum's ass"
[deleted] ยท -1 points ยท Posted at 04:01:11 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
When I was young and didn't know how things worked, I called the operator and said "Suck my dick, babeeeeeeee!" and hung up.
She immediately called back.
Killybug ยท -1 points ยท Posted at 04:05:42 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Managed to get one over on one of the school bullies after he made fun of my Dad's job..
Me ".... I bet your parents argue about who loves you the most"
Him.."errr.. well kinda"
Me "How do you feel when they shout: You love him more, no you love him more!
Jahada ยท -1 points ยท Posted at 04:15:47 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
My 10 year old nephew was getting bullied at the lunch table at school, so he went online to learn some comebacks. The next time the bully tried to talk smack, my nephew was prepared. At one point the bully got so flustered he tried using one of my nephews comebacks to my nephew.
My nephew responded with, "If I wanted my own comeback I would have wiped it off your mom's face."
The kid began to cry at this (the rest of the lunch table went bonkers). That night he felt bad enough to have to get it off his chest and tell me what he said to this bully.
It was so hard not to give him an immediate high 5.
A bit long but here goes. My Mom did and still does a lot of hair - cut, color and so on. She had this big ring with dozens of hair samples on it, different colors so you could pick out what you like and she would do her magic. I was holding it up to my hair to see if mine was Chestnut Brown or Autumnal Moss or whatever. My younger brother walks up and says "what color is my hair?" I put the ring to his head, briefly fumble through samples..."poop brown".
[deleted] ยท -1 points ยท Posted at 04:18:20 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
"Why don't you go take Molly or Xanax and watch your life fall apart like the rest of your deadbeat friends"
vth0mas ยท -1 points ยท Posted at 04:22:15 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I'm not a comeback king by any means, and frankly I'm a bit ashamed of this one because I think I may have mistaken flirting for insulting.
Me and four coworkers all go to the bar after clocking out. We're all wearing the same outfit: black shoes and slacks with white button down shirts. We're all all wasted and about to move on to the next pub when this drunk lady comes up to me and asks sort of condescendingly, "Are you guys supposed to be a barbershop quartet or something?"
I huffed and said, "Quintet, bitch!"
Zero fucks given.
jeffblue ยท -1 points ยท Posted at 04:28:33 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
"Shut up"
"Nice comeback"
"If I wanted my cum back I'd wipe it off your mom's tits"
Smexsi ยท -1 points ยท Posted at 04:30:19 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Listen here. If I wanted my comeback, I'd kick your mom in the throat.
My friends told my sister something at school. At the time my sister was having issues with her friends. She says "yeah, great friends you have there" to which I reply "at least I have my friends".
The scenario, couple of friends drinking:
1. Guy A: So here's a joke...
1. Guy B: Oh, its that one with the [spoils the whole joke], man..
1. Guy C to Guy B, seeing Guy A: Damn, man you totally screwed his momentum and ours
1. Guy A to Guy C, seeing Guy B: Well, everyone is not as smart as you
HKjason ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 06:01:57 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
This bitch got so much semen in her mouth, it looks like her teeth are melting.
"If I had wanted your comeback, I'd have wiped it off your mum's chin".
[deleted] ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 06:54:02 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
[deleted]
mindscent ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 06:57:01 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
am proud
why
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 07:49:16 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Cuz him am retard.
Typed01 ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 07:21:30 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I think some of the best are when they are are not expected and said nonchalantly . If someone says they are thirsty in any manner of words, or they are parched or whatnot....best is if they have the word throat in there, is parched or is dry....so sat, not enough semen?
Or if someone says thank you for something big....for me it was I saved a guy while we were playing halo 2 years ago and he thanked me. Say, I take care of my bitches.
If you hear someone say they hate someone or they kind of randomly say that hate you.....and of course these all must be in front of people, say, did they show you their penis and not let you sick it. Or you explain to the people around you why they said they hate or have a dislike of you that, you showed him your penis but would not let him sick it.
At any rate, the best thing for talking shit is to get plenty of sleep so you're amply witty.
toms_face ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 07:23:21 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)*
So I was in this meeting at work, there was this newish guy there and most of us didn't really like him because he was kind of weird. He was a real kind of idiot as well, some short bald guy with an inferiority complex probably. Anyway what really annoyed us was that this guy would fucking eat shrimp during almost every meeting. Every fucking meeting this guy would be eating shrimp. And not like a couple of shrimp, he always had a plate full of shrimp. So this one guy said "hey the ocean called, they're running out of shrimp" and everyone was laughing, even the boss who wasn't really a laughing kind of guy. Then the next day he fucking does it again. So he says the exact same thing, people laugh a bit less, but it's all good. Then the shrimp guy pauses, stands up and they're sitting across from each other and he points to him, and he goes "oh yeah? Well the jerk store called, they're running out of you." Now everyone is thinking what the fuck is going on? So this fucking madman, he responds back to him "oh yeah, you're they're best seller!" and everyone goes fucking apeshit laughing and a fucking bass guitar starts playing.
Giimax ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 07:23:57 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I wrekt my friend 3 times in a row.
He said "Hey I'm sick! "Why?" "I'm sick of you!" " What an immune system"
Some guy was like "SICK BURN" He said " You want me to burn your house down? Gimme a lighter!" I replied " You can't even afford a lighter!?"
He got really pissed and tried to hit me with a bottle. I said "Bro, if you get burnt ya gotta use cold water."
belovely ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 10:04:09 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
"The jerk store called, they're running out of you!" -George Costanza
IJD22 ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 08:02:47 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
GEORGE: (picks up more shrimp) Let's see how many I can
fit in my mouth.
George begins picking up shrimp one by one and stuffing them into his mouth.
REILLY: (leaning forward) You know, George...
George looks up, expectantly.
REILLY: The ocean called. They're running outta shrimp.
Everyone around the table laughs. Except for George, who looks triumphant. He
swallows, and uses a napkin to clean his fingers.
GEORGE: (standing) Oh yeah, Reilly? (smugly) Well, the jerk store called.
They're running outta you
RangeUK ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 08:37:01 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
'Jeez cop you look like sh*t',
Better than the way I left your wife this morning
Maxtsi ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 08:42:25 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
ITT: Karma farmers passing off jokes as their own life experiences.
Tsurja ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 08:58:20 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Wanna make a bitchy, but insecure 14-year old cry? Ask her for a Kleenex.
ertdwyer ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 12:17:10 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Saw this on yahoo answers some years back:
When a guy ask you to make them a sandwich what is a good come back?
im tired of my guy friends being sexiest and asking me to make them a sandwich. what are some good comebacks for when they say this?
The best answer:
Well you better come back with a god damn sandwich.
[deleted] ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 13:35:13 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
only thing that comes to mind is something I said myself. it was after a music festival, I was 16. I had gotten so drunk that you only get that drunk once and then you don't do it again. your friends have been cleaning your vomit off of you for 8 hours drunk. so this one girl thought the whole thing was pretty hilarious. she had spent her festival exploring her sexuality, if you know what I mean. so we get back to school and she's teasing me all the time that I'm the "camp blackout-drinkerrrr" and the thing was that this was pretty early in high school, I wasn't about to be known for the rest of my teens for one embarassing bout of overdrinking so I quickly and without thinking snapped back "so does that make you the camp whore?"
I felt pretty bad about it for a while, it seemed a little overkill. But it had the desired effect as she shut up real quick.
Skekung37 ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 13:41:19 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I used to work at an OfficeMax. My store manager was commenting in the new carpet we got in the furniture pad.
SM-"This has got to be the ugliest carpet I have ever seen."
Skekung37-"What, did they just lay a bunch of mirrors down?"
BodeyTheV ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 13:48:41 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
A fat girl was harassing a few gay guys at one of the pubs i frequent, saying shit along the lines of "you're only gay cause you couldn't get any" One of them turned to her and shouted "Oh well atleast i get more cock than you!"
JoeMojo ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 14:08:09 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
We had one of those extremely aggressive evangelist on our campus. He was leaping into the air and calling everyone that walked by "Whores" and "Whore Mongers"...detailing the horrors of hell; that sort of thing.
This guy just walked by and he started yelling at him about the fiery torment he was headed toward. The guy stopped and turned around and said "In a past life..."
This, by itself revved up the preacher who was about to launch into the evils of religions that believed in past lives but, then the guy continued "I butt fucked Jesus' corpse"
Past lives, homosexuality, blasphemy and necrophilia all in one retort.
Some kid made fun of my name. I berated him for his simple minded depravity, since my name sake is a classic work of literature, and fundamentally destroyed his ego for about 30 seconds straight while his eyes glazed over and he turned to face forward and tilted his head down. He tried to muster up a shitty apology afterwards and i just sunk my claws in deeper. Fucking uncultured cunt attempting to dethrone what little self confidence I have. Get rekt
Katana314 ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 17:12:11 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Hopefully this is okay that it's from a video game. This is in the new Ace Attorney game, involving a deeply religious prosecutor who sees trials as the last rites of the victim where the culprit's soul is burned in hell. This is near the end of the trial when the defense has proven the facts, but the prosecutor is still being indignant about it.
Sahdmadhi: Feh! You and the accused are most certainly bound for hell!!
Apollo: Really? The defendant and I? Because I'd think you're the one with a ticket there for trying to convict an innocent girl. He shuts up
[deleted] ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 20:19:22 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Boss of a shitty retail store: You're a piece of shit who couldn't tie his own fucking shoes without someone to babysit your ass.
Ex-employee now full time employee at a bank: At least I'm a piece of shit who can afford to maintain a stable relationship and can do whatever I want whenever I want, like your ex-wife (ex-wife divorced boss because boss wouldn't stop drinking and smoking)
I go to an international school and this guy (Alan) is a native in my country so he speaks the local language and i dont. Anyways I know when Alan is talking shit, after 2 years i know the negative words. Anyways so we were in our math class and basically that class only had the art students in it at that moment so it was him and all his friends and just me, awkward as you could imagine. Anyways i try to answer a question in class, and i am wrong. Alan whispers to his friends "(translated)idiot". Also i forgot to mention this guy is a class representative for our class for some reason. The teacher heard him say idiot and he says "What makes a class representative?" and in that moment without thinking i raise my hand and i say "The opposite of Alan." I got kicked out the class for 15 minutes but i dont regret it not even for a second, his face is still funny to me.
[deleted] ยท -7 points ยท Posted at 22:50:05 on September 16, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
[deleted]
[deleted] ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 00:17:56 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
You're still in 8th grade, aren't you?
Alateriel ยท -2 points ยท Posted at 00:21:53 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
If I wanted a comeback I would have wiped it off your mother's chin.
Coddd ยท -2 points ยท Posted at 04:27:30 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
There was this kid who no one liked at all on my bus who when I was a senior and he was a sophomore. One day he was talking to his "friend" about somthing, then there a short pause when suddenly he yells to his friend "YOU KNOW WHAT WOULD BE Cool?". At this time the bus was coming to a stop which was my bus stop. I replied to the kid saying "killing your self" and then proceeded to get off the bus. The kid didn't here me how ever. My friends burst out laughing at the savagery that just came out of my mouth.
asCii88 ยท -2 points ยท Posted at 04:19:11 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Some bald dude with glasses who worked for the Yankees called for a meeting with our board of directors. He showed up out of nowhere with a bowl full of shrimp and was clearly enjoying them to say the least, and one guy goes: 'the ocean called, they are running out of shrimp' and the guy answers: 'well, the jerk store called, they're running out of you!'
Nobody laughed. I thought it was awesome.
Wejax ยท -4 points ยท Posted at 20:59:24 on September 16, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
"You are the refuse on the bottom of a collection tank in a septic system."
To those who don't know, that means you are a pile of bacteria feces and/or the shit that even anaerobic bacteria wouldn't find any use for.
[deleted] ยท -1 points ยท Posted at 00:41:28 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I delivered the comeback.
Back in high school there was a guy who kept scooping my nipples. After enough politely asking him to stop, he did it one day and I said in front of the whole gym class,
"You do that to me because your girlfriend won't let you touch hers."
Who knew if he even had a gf at a time but the scooping stopped for good.
My best friend and a classmate of ours were trading barbs, trying to one up each other. My friend decided to escalate it by saying, "Well I fucked your mom last night!"
Our classmate got upset and said, "my mom is dead."
My friend paused for a split second and then, as I watched on in horror, said "I guess that's why she didn't move around a lot!"
So messed up, but the joke had to be made.
Nektry ยท -1 points ยท Posted at 02:22:15 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Well at work one of my co-workers was being reprimanded and my supervisor was going on about how he 'didn't think'.
And I said "you're implying he had a brain and was capable of thinking to begin with."
[deleted] ยท -1 points ยท Posted at 02:32:49 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Was your mother drunk or high when she was pregnant with you?
-grandma
[deleted] ยท -1 points ยท Posted at 02:33:33 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Steve Jobs teaching those bee-atches at Apple who fired him what's up.
If you wanted my comeback you'll have to bring your mom to a gynecologist
[deleted] ยท -1 points ยท Posted at 03:02:57 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
When CNN spent months talking shit about Trump and then he trolled them fucking hard today and made them broadcast an hour of him promoting his hotel, and then a bunch of vets supporting him, and then says Obama is American the end.
high school geoscience class: a kid who we all knew was adopted by two men (had two dads) told my friend to "go cry to your mommy" my buddy: "well atleast i have a mommy"
ArcticJag ยท -1 points ยท Posted at 04:20:41 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
"Your dad used a Kroger bag as a condom."
[deleted] ยท -1 points ยท Posted at 04:22:05 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
If I wanted a comeback, I'd whip it off your mom's chin
"What's the difference between a colloquialism and an idiom?"
"A colloquialism is what I did to your mother, an idiom's what came out of her!"
Braytone ยท -1 points ยท Posted at 04:29:35 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
In high school a way back, our teacher is going on about his day. He's a very metrosexual type of guy, and is enunciating his disdain for the school system. My friend raises his hand, gets called on and says, "I'm sorry, could you say that again and less like a fairy?"
My mom is from Kentucky. Once she was visiting us Northerners and brought eggs from her chickens. She kept bemoaning the fact that she only had 11 eggs. Would. Not. Give it up. "I just really wanted to bring you a dozen, but they wouldn't lay just one more."
Finally, I pat her on the hand and tell her, "It's OK, Mom. We understand. It's a Kentucky dozen."
She choked a bit, then begrudgingly laughed. And let it go.
Qweniden ยท -1 points ยท Posted at 05:04:11 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
The jerk store called and they are all out of you!
ITT-- fake stories of dudes shutting down uppity fat people and the physically disabled, and paternity jokes
casprus ยท -1 points ยท Posted at 05:07:42 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
"Hillary was asked by George Stephanopoulos, who, as I also said, makes out with Hillary in his spare time-- Back in his autobiography he said, in 1996, that he and Hillary had a moment after Bill won reelection, in which Hillary looked at George Stephanopoulos and said, 'I love you, George' and he looked back at her and said, 'I love you too Hillary' and then they started making out until she realised he wasn't a woman."
Story happened about two months ago. My co-worker, in a joking attempt at sounding "wise" told me, "Don't just believe what you see, seek the truth, not the 'answers'". It only took him a short second to get that 'I've got a good one' smile after I asked what the difference between the two really was. He stopped cleaning, looked me dead in the eye, and said "Have you ever asked your parents if they love you?". We both promptly burst into laughter, and it's served as a great example when a new hire "just doesn't get" our sense of humor.
Maybe it's not really a comeback, oh well.
whorfin ยท -1 points ยท Posted at 05:18:27 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Yeah...you like that, you fucking retard?
fanamana ยท -1 points ยท Posted at 05:21:13 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Drunk woman heckling a comedian.
Comedian "Shut the fuck up or I'm going to pay a n**** to fuck you in front of your father."
Damn. You have to gauge which part of that is most appalling.
Late to the party but I was in a church meeting one time and surprisingly things can get interesting in there. Anyway they were talking about this woman Karen and this guy asked which Karen and someone said "Mrs. Anderson, well the old Mrs. Anderson" cos she was divorced and then he was like "well who's the new Mrs. Anderson" and it was this woman named Brenda who happened to be in the meeting and she was like "it's me, I would say new and improved but..." and my mouth just dropped open. Like damn shit's going down at the committee meeting
My best friend and I worked at a restaurant as cooks together. I was newer and he kept trying to guide me but we both had cooking experience and I knew what I was doing.
Understand, this guy is the most chill person ever and never talks shit. I'm a mouthy asshole. I couldn't take the direction, and I tell him a few times "yeah, I got it. Yeah, I know."
So he keeps directing and guiding me and finally I say, "You know what your problem is, Best Friend? You don't fucking listen."
He replies: "You know what your problem is? Your mom didn't have an abortion."
I stopped dead in my tracks caught off guard and then hugged that amazing sonofabitch then and there. It was fantastic.
said to the bitchy girl no one liked in fourth grade, don't remember what started it but I was a pretty nice kid so something must have really kicked it off...
Her: 'Well ButterYoBread, at least I have horses.'
Me: 'Yeah, well at least I have friends.'
This old drunk guy was stumbling around a party acting somewhat lascivious and proclaimed to everybody that he was busy "thinking with his dick" and I busted out with "why dont you listen to the poor guy and go to bed, that fucker passed out in '92"
AL_MI_T_1 ยท -1 points ยท Posted at 05:57:19 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
1) A buddy of mine and myself were going after the same girl. Well one night I tried hooking up with her but was doing it with no passion so I wasn't able to perform. So my friend ended up hooking up with her then they start to date. All my friends teased me for the next week til I looked at my friend and said "Well I have to give to you. You took [name redacted] from friends with benefits to dating in 2 inches."
2) When I was in high School I was in class having a conversation with a friend quietly. When a girl no one really like for being nosey decide to but in with her opinion. Without missing a beat I told her, "If I want your opinion I'd ask for it for your herpes mustached face." She proceeded to get up and leave the classroom. I got pulled into the office and handed a detention.
I was in high school. I also was a super gutter punk kid. Rocking a Propaghandi shirt and T.U.K. creepers. In Science, we had to have colored pencils for graphs that we had to do for lab. We were all huddled around the teachers desk for a demonstation, and me and a friend were in the back of the group. Grabbed a random pack of pencils and flung them evetywhere, turned out to be the high school football team's quarterbacks pencils.
He said, "better pick those up, they're MINE" as if that mattered to me.
Told him "if their yours, YOU can pick them up."
bedwelld ยท -1 points ยท Posted at 06:00:13 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Comedian Jimmy Carr was heckled during his gig, he turned to the bloke and asked him his name,
"Dave" the bloke replied.
"Well Dave, if you want my comeback, you'll have to wipe it off your Mum's teeth"
Brilliant!
RUSSOxD ยท -1 points ยท Posted at 06:16:40 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Just came back from a store, was gonna buy a 300 dollar backpack and wanted to try the HTC ViVe they had there first, one guy told me it was broken, and then i went to the manager and he said they were short staffed and those were the rules.
I told him "see that backpack over there, thats 300 bucks, i'm gonna buy it somewhere else now, karma's a bitch"
Zipkan ยท -1 points ยท Posted at 06:18:55 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Not me personally, but a story a friend told me.
My friends wife had a new guy start, and (idk how he got the job) he is some country boy in his 30'sleep. He is your stereotypical homophobic, doesn't want to know about them, talk to them, any of that. Well one night my friend and his wife, and a bunch of her coworkers take this new guy out to what he believes to be a booby bar. The night goes well, and at the end the new guy goes into a private room for a little while, and comes out with the biggest grin on his face, and was talking how he got the best bj in his whole life from this girl. And how none of the female coworkers he works with could do better. Well the group of coworkers all start to lose it until my friend leans in and says. "You know this a transgender bar right?" They said the look on the new guys face goes from joy, to complete disgust, kinda like how you see it in cartoons. Needless to say he never showed to work again.
Meriis ยท -1 points ยท Posted at 06:29:03 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I work with two people who were adopted and came from really rough homes as children. Both were there, but A was talking shit to me about how he makes better pizzas. I come back "Well, your parents don't love you!" he said "I was adopted, bro!" I came back "that's kind of the point, isn't it?". A stopped and said "Jesus, Christ , dude." B overheard it and didn't think I was joking and didn't speak to me for the rest of the shift. Fun times.
In court. The defendant on trial was being questioned by the prosecuting attorney. Defandant was frustrated with her questions and at one point answered with the phrase, "I bet you're P*$$Y is so smelly it could make an onion cry!" (there were a few .02 second laughs and "hmph's" from the juror box)
[deleted] ยท -1 points ยท Posted at 06:40:23 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)*
My Friend : "You dog !"
Me : "And you my favorite lamp post ..."
One more ..
My Friend : "You have everything house, car, good looking girl. Who do you think you are ?"
Me :"Bro I am life mocking at you !"
Another one ..
My colleague turns in a shitty presentation.
Me : " Dude you can't turn a crow into a peacock by shoving a broom up its ass."
"I'm rubber and you're glue, whatever you say bounces off me and sticks to you!"
Knajii ยท -1 points ยท Posted at 06:48:56 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
One time as a bunch of 7th grade kids we are riding our bikes around the neighbourhood and sit down by some grass to catch our breath. Chilling and joking around when another set of kids around the same age all rode past on their bikes, to which some one said:
"Ohhh it's the bikerrrrrssss!"
All rode past clearly unfazed by the not that clever comment, except one, the guy on the scooter at the back.
"Haha, NO!" He exclaimed sarcastically, stopping his scooter to deliver the punishing audio.
"Haha, no... no to what?"
Kid just looks zombie faced at us with mouth prompt open rattling his brain to try and respond, but how could you? He scoots away in silence.
narfidy ยท -1 points ยท Posted at 06:57:35 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
My fraternity brother: Dude it takes forever for me to finish, like 4 hours sometimes
Me: Yeah that's only cause you need those 4 hours to actually please a woman
[deleted] ยท -1 points ยท Posted at 08:51:48 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
How is this NSFW?
kiwikoopa ยท -1 points ยท Posted at 12:02:08 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
This is the only time I've ever been outspoken, I felt kinda bad about it too.
In HS there was this athlete kid that everyone hated. He was known for being ultra annoying. He was in my English class and we're taking a test. He kept tapping his boot loudly against the wall. My friend nicely asked, "Whoever is doing that, could you please stop?" I saw him look up, smirk, and then start rapping louder. I looked up and asked, "(kid's name) why do you go out of your way to annoy everyone?" And he stopped.
Felt kinda bad about it, but if you knew this English class, our know why I had enough at that point.
ardisfoxx ยท -1 points ยท Posted at 12:45:54 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
A friend of mine has a pretty quick tongue. We were giving each other shit one time and I he threw an insult at me, I started to respond and he cuts me off and says "Oi OI, mate if I wanted come back, I'd scrape it off the roof of your mums mouth." It was ruthless. Shut me right up lol.
wickland2 ยท -1 points ยท Posted at 13:45:37 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Your mom is like a shotgun
1 cock and she blows
T_Rash ยท -1 points ยท Posted at 14:43:52 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Neighborhood junkie lost his legs trying to steal beer from a boxcar was sitting in a wheelchair outside a convenient store begging for change. He said to me "can you help me out I lost my legs in Afghanistan" . I said "sure you won't find them sitting there" .
I heard a comedian say something very familiar to that. I'd give credit where credit is due but I can't recall who it was. If anyone knows who it can you let me know.
You swine. You vulgar little maggot. You worthless bag of filth. I would rather kiss a lawyer than be seen with you. You took your last vacation in the Islets of Langerhans. You're a putrescent mass, a walking vomit. You are a spineless little worm deserving nothing but the profoundest contempt. You are a jerk, a cad, and a weasel. I take that back; you are a festering pustule on a weasel's rump. Your life is a monument to stupidity. You are a stench, a revulsion, a big suck on a sour lemon. I will never get over the embarrassment of belonging to the same species as you. You are a monster, an ogre, a malformity. I barf at the very thought of you. You have all the appeal of a paper cut. Lepers avoid you. You are vile, worthless, less than nothing. You are a weed, a fungus, the dregs of this earth. You are a technicolor yawn. And did I mention that you smell? You are a squeaking rat, a mistake of nature and a heavy-metal bagpipe player. You were not born. You were hatched into an unwilling world that rejects the likes of you. You didn't crawl out of a normal egg, either, but rather a mutant maggot egg rejected by an evil scientist as being below his low standards. Your alleged parents abandoned you at birth and then died of shame in recognition of what they had done to an unsuspecting world. They were a bit late. Try to edit your responses of unnecessary material before attempting to impress us with your insight. The evidence that you are a nincompoop will still be available to readers, but they will be able to access it ever so much more rapidly. If cluelessness were crude oil, your scalp would be crawling with caribou. You are a thick-headed trog. I have seen skeet with more sense than you have. You are a few bricks short of a full load, a few cards short of a full deck, a few bytes short of a full core dump, and a few chromosomes short of a full human. Worse than that, you top-post. God created houseflies, cockroaches, maggots, mosquitos, fleas, ticks, slugs, leeches, and intestinal parasites, then he lowered his standards and made you. I take it back; God didn't make you. You are Satan's spawn. You are Evil beyond comprehension, half-living in the slough of despair. You are the entropy which will claim us all. You are a green-nostriled, crossed eyed, hairy-livered inbred trout-defiler. You make Ebola look good. You are weary, stale, flat and unprofitable. You are grimy, squalid, nasty and profane. You are foul and disgusting. You're a fool, an ignoramus. Monkeys look down on you. Even sheep won't have sex with you. You are unreservedly pathetic, starved for attention, and lost in a land that reality forgot. You are not ANSI compliant and your markup doesn't validate. You have a couple of address lines shorted together. You should be promoted to Engineering Manager. Do you really expect your delusional and incoherent ramblings to be read? Everyone plonked you long ago. Do you fantasize that your tantrums and conniption fits could possibly be worth the $0.000000001 worth of electricity used to send them? Your life is one big W.O.M.B.A.T. and your future doesn't look promising either. We need to trace your bloodline and terminate all siblings and cousins in order to cleanse humanity of your polluted genes. The good news is that no normal human would ever mate with you, so we won't have to go into the sewers in search of your git. You are a waste of flesh. You have no rhythm. You are ridiculous and obnoxious. You are the moral equivalent of a leech. You are a living emptiness, a meaningless void. You are sour and senile. You are a loathsome disease, a drooling inbred cross-eyed toesucker. You make Quakers shout and strike Pentecostals silent. You have a version 1.0 mind in a version 6.12 world. You are a maggot riddled cyst in between the assholes of society. Your mother had to tie a pork chop around your neck just to get your dog to play with you. You believe that P.D.Q. Bach is the greatest composer who ever lived. You prefer L. Ron Hubbard to Larry Niven and Jerry Pournelle. Hee-Haw is too deep for you. You would watch test patterns all day if the other inmates would let you. On a good day you're a half-wit. You remind me of drool. You are deficient in all that lends character. You have the personality of wallpaper. You are dank and filthy. You are asinine and benighted. Spammers look down on you. Phone sex operators hang up on you. Telemarketers refuse to be seen in public with you. You are the source of all unpleasantness. You spread misery and sorrow wherever you go. May you choke on your own foolish opinions. You are a Pusillanimous galactophage and you wear your sister's training bra. Don't bother opening the door when you leave - you should be able to slime your way out underneath. I hope that when you get home your mother runs out from under the porch and bites you. You smarmy lagerlout git. You bloody woofter sod. Bugger off, pillock. You grotty wanking oik artless base-court apple-john. You clouted boggish foot-licking half-twit. You dankish clack-dish plonker. You gormless crook-pated tosser. You bloody churlish boil-brained clot pole ponce. You craven dewberry pisshead cockup pratting naff. You cockered bum-bailey poofter. You gob-kissing gleeking flap-mouthed coxcomb. You dread-bolted fobbing beef-witted clapper-clawed flirt-gill. May your spouse be blessed with many bastards. You are so clueless that if you dressed in a clue skin, doused yourself in clue musk, and did the clue dance in the middle of a field of horny clues at the height of clue mating season, you still would not have a clue. If you were a movie you would be a double feature; Battlefield_Earth and Moron_Movies_II. You would be out of focus. You are a fiend and a sniveling coward, and you have bad breath. You are the unholy spawn of a bandy-legged hobo and a syphilitic camel. You wear strangely mismatched clothing with oddly placed stains. You are degenerate, noxious and depraved. I feel debased just knowing that you exist. I despise everything about you, and I wish you would go away. You are jetsam who dreams of becoming flotsam. You won't make it. I beg for sweet death to come and remove me from a world which became unbearable when you crawled out of a harpy's lair. It is hard to believe how incredibly stupid you are. Stupid as a stone that the other stones make fun of. So stupid that you have traveled far beyond stupid as we know it and into a new dimension of stupid. Meta-stupid. Stupid cubed. Trans-stupid stupid. Stupid collapsed to a singularity where even the stupons have collapsed into stuponium. Stupid so dense that no intelligence can escape. Singularity stupid. Blazing hot summer day on Mercury stupid. You emit more stupid in one minute than our entire galaxy emits in a year. Quasar stupid. It cannot be possible that anything in our universe can really be this stupid. This is a primordial fragment from the original big stupid bang. A pure extract of stupid with absolute stupid purity. Stupid beyond the laws of nature. I must apologize. I can't go on. This is my epiphany of stupid. After this experience, you may not hear from me for a while. I don't think that I can summon the strength left to mock your moronic opinions and malformed comments about boring trivia or your other drivel. Duh. The only thing worse than your logic is your manners. I have snipped away most of your of what you wrote, because, well ... it didn't really say anything. Your attempt at constructing a creative flame was pitiful. I mean, really, stringing together a bunch of insults among a load of babbling was hardly effective... Maybe later in life, after you have learned to read, write, spell, and count, you will have more success. True, these are rudimentary skills that many of us "normal" people take for granted that everyone has an easy time of mastering. But we sometimes forget that there are "challenged" persons in this world who find these things to be difficult. If I had known that this was true in your case then I would have never have exposed myself to what you wrote. It just wouldn't have been "right." Sort of like parking in a handicap space. I wish you the best of luck in the emotional, and social struggles that seem to be placing such a demand on you. P.S.: You are hypocritical, greedy, violent, malevolent, vengeful, cowardly, deadly, mendacious, meretricious, loathsome, despicable, belligerent, opportunistic, barratrous, contemptible, criminal, fascistic, bigoted, racist, sexist, avaricious, tasteless, idiotic, brain-damaged, imbecilic, insane, arrogant, deceitful, demented, lame, self-righteous, byzantine, conspiratorial, fraudulent, libelous, bilious, splenetic, spastic, ignorant, clueless, EDLINoid, illegitimate, harmful, destructive, dumb, evasive, double-talking, devious, revisionist, narrow, manipulative, paternalistic, fundamentalist, dogmatic, idolatrous, unethical, cultic, diseased, suppressive, controlling, restrictive, malignant, deceptive, dim, crazy, weird, dyspeptic, stifling, uncaring, plantigrade, grim, unsympathetic, jargon-spouting, censorious, secretive, aggressive, mind-numbing, arassive, poisonous, flagrant, self-destructive, abusive, socially-retarded, puerile, and Generally Not Good.
edit: holy shit, your comment history paints the most desperate and depressing human being I've ever imagined. At first I was annoyed with you but now I feel genuine sympathy for you. I'm so sorry you have to be you.
hcrld ยท -2 points ยท Posted at 01:27:33 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I administrate a discord server for my high school class. Moderators have the power to edit display names, mostly just so we can change xNoscopezx to display as John F.
One guy was being a dick for fun. His nickname has changed each day this week, ranging from "sparklepony" all the way to "3/5 of a person." His title (rank) is "Useless", created just for him. I plan on fixing it all Monday.
Best comeback I ever heard was in the locker room my senior year of high school. I hear one kid insult the other kids mom to which he replies "Your moms dead shes never coming back". I quietly walked away trying not to piss myself.
Scrun0 ยท -2 points ยท Posted at 04:25:25 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
My boss to a smart-ass apprentice he was about to fire - you're a load that should have been swallowed.
JP193 ยท -2 points ยท Posted at 04:29:53 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
This isn't 'the best' but I kind of like it, plus it involves me.
In a Skype group I voiced how nobody talks enough.
Some dude who I didn't expect to respond said how he's just been out with his friends too much.
I mentioned how all his friends are younger than him since he has dissapointed everyone from his own year growing up (pretty much true) and ran out of people the same age to like him.
He left group, removed and blocked me on Skype, removed and blocked me on Steam, removed and blocked me on Facebook and said he was just about to talk to his friends.
He then started texting my friends like "haha isn't he such a dick, talk to me instead" and they all ignored him and laughed off how he would expect to raise some sort of weird uprising against me.
Still not the best but I love how bloody 0-100 that was, he has never said to me again even when I've seen him in the real world, to this day.
In maths class like 8 years ago some absolute scrub of a kid asked the teacher for the time (classic noob move) and the teacher only went and replied with "time you got a WATCH". AHAHAHA What an ABSOLUTE madman. R.I.P in rip m9
Booner999 ยท -7 points ยท Posted at 19:52:22 on September 16, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
"When a guy says GO MAKE ME A SANDWICH, what's a good comeback? He's sexist, and I'm trying to be witty. Any good comebacks?"
Best Answer: Well, you better comeback with a goddamn sandwich!
If I wanted my cum back I would have wiped it off your mom's chin... Heard this one from a coworker who introduced me to Reddit. He said it after I mocked him with his own come back he had used previously. Guy was always spitting fire... Mad a respect if you read this Tan you a boss!
DjTooDank ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 01:03:39 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
You know how some girls will say "aww, you're cute!" in the way where they imagine that you're some adorable miniature dachshund puppy whining, hopping around in its puppy cage?
So, hot girl, to me: "Awww, you're cute."
"Yeah well, my dick's not cute."
ShadNuke ยท -3 points ยท Posted at 07:55:58 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
When I used facts and logic in an argument with a Liberal. My life was threatened, and they said they would kill my entire family, all the way down, and up!!
[deleted] ยท 2634 points ยท Posted at 03:34:28 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)*
[removed]
weinerpug ยท 57 points ยท Posted at 14:51:02 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
OH sick burn!! Give your father my regards.
iUnthinkYou ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 20:00:53 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
And his mom some gauze.
Thomasthememe_engine ยท 28 points ยท Posted at 15:22:19 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Your dads a fuckin savage yo
prefix_postfix ยท 81 points ยท Posted at 08:10:08 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
This one is my favorite
LeakyLycanthrope ยท 34 points ยท Posted at 14:43:44 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Caesarian REKTion
lordumoh ยท 32 points ยท Posted at 14:55:50 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Hello, 911?
[deleted] ยท 12 points ยท Posted at 15:20:43 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Yes is your emergency fire medical or police?
YamatoMark99 ยท 19 points ยท Posted at 15:36:59 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Fire cause it's BURNING up in here.
[deleted] ยท 16 points ยท Posted at 16:36:03 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)*
[deleted]
Sky_A ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 19:11:55 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
FUCKIN BOOTLEG FIREWORKS
Uhura_Sits_Backwards ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 20:10:31 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
O LAW JAYSUS GODDAM MUTHAFUKKIN BOOTLEG FIREWORKS O LAW JAYSUS!!
IgnoreAntsOfficial ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:50:43 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
HE NEED SOME MILK!
mfzzzed ยท 53 points ยท Posted at 13:52:50 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Props to your Dad. Couldn't have said it better
Sammyman21 ยท 16 points ยท Posted at 14:15:29 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Damn, fucking REKT!
Strider-SnG ยท 9 points ยท Posted at 14:25:21 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Dayyyum your dad is a pro
19shirki ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 15:24:57 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Does your mom happen to be Beatrice horseman?
svanhildastrid ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 15:08:33 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
๐ณ
Vandersnatch182 ยท 10 points ยท Posted at 14:49:28 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Can confirm, I saw it.
aniketj ยท 12 points ยท Posted at 13:37:27 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Aww snap!
Nomoreploopforu ยท 13 points ยท Posted at 14:34:37 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Your mom is a bitch
Flyingwheelbarrow ยท 7 points ยท Posted at 13:52:18 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
savage
[deleted] ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 15:59:12 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Captain...?
thecasey1981 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 16:00:31 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Fucking savage bro. High 5 your dad for me.
PM_ME_ZELDA_HENTAI_ ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:04:53 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Well played.
Eavynne ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:23:40 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Shit. I'm dumb and don't get this.
Queenof-brokenhearts ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:46:26 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Zing!!!!
Uhura_Sits_Backwards ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 20:11:16 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I seen that scar You rekked her.
TaylorS1986 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 23:00:51 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Ouch!
butterfingahs ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 23:39:02 on September 18, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Anyone who blames their kids for pretty much being born is the lowest of the low.
RankaTanka ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 16:04:43 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Lame as hell
Simusid ยท 168 points ยท Posted at 04:12:35 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Small town politics. Father and son both serve on the same local board. Father is a local character, odd but his heart is in the right place. Son is basically a cross between Dale and Lucky from King of the Hill, sues everyone, and is a constant PITA to everyone.
Son tried to create a shitstorm over some trivial thing and justified it by saying "I'm afraid it puts the town at risk." Father, on camera, blurts out, "Every time you open your mouth you put this town at risk" Brutal but true. Oh and son ran for another office, father campaigned for the opponent. Thanksgiving must be great at their house.
madbaddangerous2know ยท 8808 points ยท Posted at 23:55:05 on September 16, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Guy in my class in junior high had psoriasis and had to use a Vaseline type cream on his scalp, making his hair super greasy. We had a young male substitute teacher and the student kept ribbing him all class... just constantly bugging him, saying things like he could tell he's never taught before, he should consider a new job, etc. etc. Really annoying. Finally the teacher looks at him and says, "Well at least I didn't comb my hair with a pork chop this morning before coming to school." Whole class erupts. Kid didn't say a word after that.
Edit: grammar
[deleted] ยท 623 points ยท Posted at 06:18:57 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Jesus, if you're an easy target you've gotta be stupid to try that shit
fullarr ยท 27 points ยท Posted at 13:16:44 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Some people that are easy targets attack others as a means of defense. Strike first and win mentality
[deleted] ยท 12 points ยท Posted at 14:42:26 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Just dont be a cunt and people won't be a cunt to you
NoButthole ยท 33 points ยท Posted at 14:46:59 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Well that's not true when you're a teenager.
[deleted] ยท 18 points ยท Posted at 15:08:22 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Nah if someone is a cunt to you, be a cunt back. That doesn't make you a cunt.
But if you start the cuntishness you've only yourself to blame.
I call it the circle of cunts.
Coppersqh ยท 12 points ยท Posted at 15:33:22 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Circuntventing.
tiger1296 ยท -1 points ยท Posted at 17:54:51 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
You sweet summer child
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:35:44 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
No no no, you don't get the circle of cunts. If someone's a cunt and you're a cunt back you're not a cunt, you're just doing a natural response.
Dont perpetuate the startong of the circle, less cunts in the world, less people to be a cunt to you. Simple isn't it, if you act like a cunt you'll get what's coming to you which is usually a seriously good kicking, 2 ruptured balls and reconstructive facial surgery.
thehamman277 ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 15:01:21 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
See that kinda bothered me, I know bullying happens a lot and it can be really bad and certainly their are true victims. But at least at my high school anyone who got "bullied" really had a bad personality and was kinda repulsed by the school because they were just plain mean, not nerdy and easy targets like they always say.
[deleted] ยท 42 points ยท Posted at 07:39:09 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Kid probably convinced himself everyone else thinks it is hair gel and thus didn't think of himself as an easy target. But I'm sure that changed that day.
DarkShades ยท 11 points ยท Posted at 12:47:01 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
#nochin
[deleted] ยท 2607 points ยท Posted at 03:31:17 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Oh that's not kosher.
NukaCooler ยท 428 points ยท Posted at 03:47:59 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Absolutely harem.
Deseao ยท 986 points ยท Posted at 04:03:39 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
*haram. Harems are...different.
perhabsolutely_ ยท 2140 points ยท Posted at 04:05:17 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)*
I halal'd
Edit: thank you golden gods / u/PredSpread
TheOneWhoMurlocs ยท 61 points ยท Posted at 05:11:39 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I love reddit
gnarkansas_ ยท 39 points ยท Posted at 06:07:01 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I love you
hail_gort ยท 13 points ยท Posted at 07:01:30 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I love your username
DoomFisk ยท 19 points ยท Posted at 07:10:24 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
No one loves you.
UninvitedGhost ยท 22 points ยท Posted at 07:11:50 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Nobody invites me.
SpicyRooster ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 07:28:56 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Nobody gives a shit
UninvitedGhost ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 08:01:40 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Thanks, HotCock.
SpicyRooster ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 22:21:46 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
๐ฅ๐๐ฅ
Did they just not invite you, or are you the haunting type?
UninvitedGhost ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:43:28 on September 18, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
A little bit of column A, a little bit of column B.
[deleted] ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 07:04:31 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Welcome to Costco.
TheSchnozzberry ยท 11 points ยท Posted at 06:19:23 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Alolol ackbar
Dantalion_Delacroix ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 07:18:28 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Alcohol Ackbar
MoNeYINPHX ยท 7 points ยท Posted at 07:21:42 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Aloha Snackbar.
Dantalion_Delacroix ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 07:29:44 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Allahu Snackbar? Explosion of taste in every bite! Now available in Virgin Vanilla and Goat-fuckin' Grape
PM_ME_ZELDA_HENTAI_ ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:07:26 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Allahu Ackbar
douchetroid ยท 26 points ยท Posted at 05:27:57 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
It's Always Sunni in Philadelphia has gone to Shi'ia this season.
TrekkiMonstr ยท 9 points ยท Posted at 04:57:19 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Halol'd
[deleted] ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 07:16:13 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Allahu snackbar!!!
shanerz ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 06:19:35 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Lol you win
Nbness2 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 08:55:50 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I dont even know what that means but i fucking laughed.
Gonzanic ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 12:43:31 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
That harem would be haram after I'm through with it.
KulaanDoDinok ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 07:23:49 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
You guys are really on a comedy jihad here...
topsecreteltee ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 05:03:58 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
You mean Hairam?
iDirtyDianaX ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 05:47:02 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
What's harem?
Domineyton ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 07:38:37 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
A harem is a group of lovers for one person, sort of like polygamy but more casual.
expateli ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 09:11:07 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Can harems be haram?
XXVIIMAN ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 13:40:36 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
They don't think Harambe like it is, but it do.
WizKhalifaShepard ยท 13 points ยท Posted at 04:09:03 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Harambe*
salikoid ยท 23 points ยท Posted at 04:50:25 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Isis killed Harambe to replace with Halalbe. It was all part of the plan.
[deleted] ยท 12 points ยท Posted at 06:29:08 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Halalbe damned, it was Isis?!?
restbench ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 14:51:09 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
This comment is going very unappreciated.
Embossis ยท -1 points ยท Posted at 05:28:54 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
DAE DEAD GORILLA LOL!
subpargalois ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 05:14:21 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Actually, they are almost the same. They both roughly mean "forbidden."
Surfing_Ninjas ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:00:39 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Better, that's how I'd put it...
stoneeus ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:49:15 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Nah man, that kid totally got fucked
745631258978963214 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 07:45:21 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Something, something, harem bae.
PM_ME_ZELDA_HENTAI_ ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:06:33 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Hey, I'll take a harem, too. As long as the girls all have big boobs
Masta_Asian ยท -2 points ยท Posted at 05:44:15 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
My dad told me sex before marriage was haram this one time when I was younger. So when I got a girlfriend in high school, he demanded that I show him my dick after every time I hung out with her to make sure we didn't commit acts of haram. It seemed peculiar at first, but eventually I got used to taking my dick out for Haram bae.
SpartansATTACK ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 05:46:10 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Nah
fnord_happy ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 07:33:44 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Not sure you know what that means
NukaCooler ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 08:55:41 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
yes
o2lsports ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:31:27 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Hahahaha the absolute madmench!
CanadianBacon12 ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 07:39:49 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Absolutely Harambe.
relevantnewman ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 05:09:17 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
unrelated:
do you ever get your flaps?
[deleted] ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 07:14:42 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I never do :-/
koshercertified ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 06:23:10 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Agreed
Dorian712 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 06:24:14 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
If you want comeback rub your chin
ArchieBunkerLogic ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 04:27:47 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
God bless you.
Thearcticfox39 ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 04:29:35 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Absolutely haram.
Vigilias ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 06:00:50 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
He said he "didn't" so it is kosher.
Pinstar ยท 34 points ยท Posted at 04:17:08 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
If that were any more of a burn, your head would burst into flames.
WooWooPete ยท 21 points ยท Posted at 05:18:08 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
When the teacher roasts you in front of the whole classroom >
[deleted] ยท 11 points ยท Posted at 05:38:21 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Roasted like a pork chop
Puninteresting ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 20:48:23 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
BOOM roasted
KeepItRealTV ยท 15 points ยท Posted at 05:01:50 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Sub went HAM!
Bog77 ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 05:37:46 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I'm pretty sure he went porkchop, not ham.
cody712 ยท 57 points ยท Posted at 03:22:39 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
This is the one that made me laugh. xD
[deleted] ยท 33 points ยท Posted at 06:01:05 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Hehe me too xD rawr :3
BlackCatJoker ยท 13 points ยท Posted at 06:28:44 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
No.
ASK_ME_IF_IM_A_TRUCK ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 08:02:08 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
This isn't fucking Facebook.
cody712 ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 13:10:55 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I've never been to Facebook xD
moon--moon ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 07:12:45 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I said a similar thing at one point, except used pizza instead of pork chop.
xRoisinDubh ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 05:22:40 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Boom roasted.
gotfondue ยท 17 points ยท Posted at 06:47:05 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
As someone with psoriasis this probably ruined the kids self esteem. Psoriasis is not currently curable and some forms can be really bad. It keeps me from doing a lot of things. Sometimes even though I'm an adult I still get pretty embarrassed when someone doesn't know and asks what the marks are on my arms.
DireOnFire ยท 121 points ยท Posted at 06:50:11 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Don't start nothin
Won't be nothin
[deleted] ยท 38 points ยท Posted at 08:01:50 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
It sucks the kid had (and still probably has) psoriasis, but he was rude to the substitute teacher. Having an illness does not excuse a person from being a petty bitch, nor should it excuse them from repercussion.
-muse ยท -13 points ยท Posted at 09:20:28 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Kid versus teacher though.. I don't know man.
[deleted] ยท 11 points ยท Posted at 09:29:16 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
He learnt a lesson that day. Dont be an ass. Also, dont be rude to people or you get smoked.
-muse ยท -16 points ยท Posted at 09:44:06 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I don't agree with it.
[deleted] ยท 9 points ยท Posted at 12:35:41 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Children need to learn repercussions. It's one thing for the boy to defend himself from people bullying him, but nobody was bullying him in that interaction. The boy was being the asshole and he got what he deserved. Besides, the substitute wasn't unnecessarily harsh to the boy. The kid would live.
-muse ยท -6 points ยท Posted at 15:03:16 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
It's a fucking teacher. Whatever, I'm not discussing this. I don't agree with it, and that should be fine.
[deleted] ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 16:59:28 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
From your tone, I feel like you think I'm arguing with you, but I promise I'm not. I was just stating my belief on the matter. Didn't mean to bother you.
-muse ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 19:02:42 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
It's not necessarily you. I blame the downvotes.
conquer69 ยท -7 points ยท Posted at 09:52:27 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Maybe the kid was being a dick because others made fun of his psoriasis before. He probably thought "the popular kids make everyone laugh by bullying me, maybe I can make others laugh if I bully the substitute teacher. He looks like an easy target."
I'm not saying having an incurable illness excuses it but maybe it explains it. Like the mass shooter that had a damaged frontal lobe due to constant abuse.
thisesmeaningless ยท 51 points ยท Posted at 07:10:57 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
That may be true, but if you're going to constantly insult someone maybe expect to get insulted back
Fueled-By-Ramen ยท 15 points ยท Posted at 07:21:40 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
It was well deserved.
[deleted] ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 07:10:25 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I've got a case of it that just developed this last year, it sucks. I'm sorting it out though I think, it's gotten better with some medication. :(
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 09:46:01 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Don't let it fuck with your self-esteem my dude, you'll get used to people's judgemental looks and learn to stop giving a shit eventually.
throwtrollbait ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 15:39:20 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Yeah, teachers making fun of kids' medical issues does not really sit well with me.
"At least I'm not suffering from an autoimmune disease," is just not something anyone should say to a kid, much less a teacher.
If he's too sensitive to shrug off some heckling from a seventh grader, he really should consider a new job. He's too much of a bully for teaching.
gotfondue ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:58:02 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Exactly!!! I ignored all the other responses because I never said it was ok for the kid to do it. Which is everyone's defense but as an adult you take those things, kids can't.
beboola ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 11:48:43 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I have it too. Why would the kid be using a cream for his scalp? I used a foam medication that didn't do anything to my hair, but I used the cream for the psoriasis around my eyes.
madbaddangerous2know ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 13:18:11 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Plot twist: I developed psoriasis at about 20 years old and had it on 50% or more of my body. Really understood him a lot better. Been an a trial drug now for years and it has completely disappeared.
chendamoni ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:08:51 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I've had psoriasis for 15+ years, but that isn't an excuse for me to be mean to someone and NOT expect them to be mean back because of my self-esteem.
I had flakes everywhere when I was first diagnosed in middle school which was embarrassing, but folks around me helped dust me off or said "psst, ya got a potato chip thing in your hair" until I could figure out a routine. I don't think they would have been so kind if I was throwing out insults.
TaylorS1986 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 23:05:28 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Yeah, I'm surprised the kid's parents didn't roast the school and the teacher for this.
Dunderost ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 07:05:40 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I had that in second grade, now its on my right hand, i feel so lucky, goddamn I was lucky kids didnt make fun out of me for that..
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 07:24:13 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Kids like these are the worst, stay away from them at all costs
Wickywire ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 07:35:21 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Being a substitute can be hard, but that is still so far from appropriate behavior in a teacher, I'm starting to think the kid might be right.
And yes, as a matter of fact, I am fun at parties.
rustyleftnut ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 07:41:43 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
You know he was holding that one in for a while!
Zer0_210 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 13:03:59 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
OMFG, Tyrannosaurus Rekt.
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 13:12:39 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
If you tried this now, they'd open an administrative investigation into why you hurt the kids feelings.
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 13:31:00 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I was going to be mad because I have psoriasis too and you should never laugh about people with psoriasis?!@!! but then I read that the kid was a douchebag and I was like... hellll yeah
madbaddangerous2know ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 13:32:12 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Honestly he wasn't a douche. Just super annoying that day for some reason.
brazthemad ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 14:10:19 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
That's a telltale sign that he actually was a newb teacher
throwtrollbait ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:45:46 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
If a teacher is so sensitive that he resorts to making fun of the kid's autoimmune disease after a bit of heckling, he really should consider a new job.
MeanwhileintheTARDIS ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:02:24 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
My stepfather has psoriasis we were out to eat once and the waitress was being a bitch. She at one point looked at his arm and made a disgusted have about his psoriasis. So he scratched his arm a lot and left a huge pile of skin flakes on the table when we left. He still tipped and everything, just had to get his little revenge in.
TaylorS1986 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 23:03:33 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
The substitute teacher is lucky the kid's parents didn't complain to the school about him "making fun of our child's medical condition".
herdeathwish ยท -1 points ยท Posted at 04:04:21 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
almost harmless. Classic dad joke. 10/10
CamenSeider ยท 11 points ยท Posted at 05:58:07 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
How is it a dad joke?
ehho ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 08:16:26 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I think it sounded harmless to everyone else but hit insecurities in the kid (he was quiet after the burn). Sure he was a dick, but he shouldn't get burned about something he is insecure about from a teacher.
SoftCoreDude ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 04:17:42 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
hmm. I've seen this story before here in this sub
madbaddangerous2know ยท 9 points ยท Posted at 05:00:35 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Where were the last time, buddy!? I remember wondering at how I didn't get any up votes for something I thought was super funny!
elmanutres ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:44:52 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Embarassment is always the best way to teach a kid a lesson.
manfromfuture ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 06:47:36 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Comeback Stolen from the movie Rhinestone (1984).
new2itallwithoutaclu ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 06:25:24 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Similar story different ending. Kid had messy hair. Teacher told the student "well at least I don't comb my hair with an egg beater."
[deleted] ยท -5 points ยท Posted at 05:22:24 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
[deleted]
PacoCrazyfoot ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 06:19:58 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Steve Buscemi.
9/11
[deleted] ยท -71 points ยท Posted at 04:05:56 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
My high school friend had a few acquaintances and his older brother owned a muscle car, so they'd occasionally pick us up from school and drive around in it, and the older brother loved to drag race random people.
So he pulls up to the light and the dude in the left lane is the substitute teacher from my Spanish class. Sub is on board with the drag race. Older brother smokes the substitute teacher, ends up brake-checking him.
Hairgrylls ยท 17 points ยท Posted at 05:47:21 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
That could quite possibly be the worst story I've ever heard.
IDontEvenOwn_A_Gun ยท 41 points ยท Posted at 04:12:34 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
So your brother won the race and taunted a sub with a brake check. Ok, cool story.
teh_tg ยท 13 points ยท Posted at 04:38:45 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I'm sure he is still cool with his muscle car.
My_usrname_of_choice ยท 10 points ยท Posted at 05:45:11 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Cool story, bro. Totally irrelevant.
Night_Lamp ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 07:26:05 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
U dun goofd
JournalofFailure ยท 7248 points ยท Posted at 01:11:58 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
When Piers Morgan tweeted that he'd never let Ben Carson near his brain, someone responded, "he's a brain surgeon, not a proctologist."
maqusan ยท 2112 points ยท Posted at 05:34:19 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)*
Speaking of savage comebacks to Piers Morgan: Morgan was talking shit about Australian (cricket) fast bowlers and challenged Brett Lee to a "duel" at one of the Ashes matches.
Lee sent 6 100mph+ balls straight at his body. Hit him with four. Broke his ribs.
By god it was glorious.
Edit: To everyone saying it was a bit mean to Morgan, he literally asked for it. He challenged Brett Lee to do it and told him immediately beforehand "don't hold back".
[deleted] ยท 615 points ยท Posted at 06:48:39 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Jesus. Just watched the link. Piers is a class A cunt. This is so satisfying to watch. Just getting fucking drilled with cricket balls.
The best is him falling over in fear when one misses him after the first really brutal rib shot.
maqusan ยท 177 points ยท Posted at 06:54:30 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I loved Vaughan and Warne just creasing up then trying to compose themselves for camera. "Nah, yeah, well played Piers, very brave"
KryptoniteDong ยท 7 points ยท Posted at 14:33:41 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Oh, 'straya!!
danny_fiasco ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 16:23:09 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
We say that here in states too.
throwaway241214 ยท 20 points ยท Posted at 07:42:54 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
+1 Piers is a super cunt.
Bunslow ยท 17 points ยท Posted at 08:14:41 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
You got a video link?
eras ยท 69 points ยท Posted at 08:38:19 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I imagine this is it: https://youtu.be/_ePx61TkXKY
[deleted] ยท 45 points ยท Posted at 08:59:30 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I hate the guy but having watched that I respect him a little more. Takes courage to face up to 100mph balls, I couldn't do it for sure.
yohanf1 ยท 29 points ยท Posted at 09:07:46 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Lee couldn't have been bowling 100mph, he was retired for quite a while at that time. Still would have been 80+mph and very nasty for someone whos not used to that type of bowling.
[deleted] ยท 30 points ยท Posted at 09:20:35 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I stopped playing cricket as a kid when we changed from the orange "windball" (made of plastic) to that heavy fucking red piece of wood!
yohanf1 ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 13:35:25 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Hahaha i get what you mean. Played on a very bouncy track today and i got hit 6 or 7 times.
[deleted] ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 16:32:53 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Says it all really that a professional died the other year when a ball snuck through the gap in his helmet and hit his face full on.
yohanf1 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 16:34:05 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
It didn't do that. It hit him on the back of the neck/head below the protection of the helmet. Freak accident tbh.
[deleted] ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 08:04:43 on September 18, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
cheers, didn't realise, I remembered it as having gone through the gap between the rim of his helmet and the top of the face guard.
JoeHook ยท 18 points ยท Posted at 10:02:41 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)*
Is throwing the ball at someone actually a legitimate part of this sport? Or more like a brush back pitch in baseball or something? As much as i hate Piers Morgan, it seems like guy throwing was being a real dick, I wanted to see him try and hit the ball, not dodge 5 out of 6.
I actually gained a bit of respect for Piers. Stood up there, and shook the guys hand afterward.
Edit: thanks to the cricket fans for help. Cricket is dense, and about 30 minutes of reading, while very interesting, didn't really help with understanding much past the basic rules of play. Like a card game before you actually play it. Your explanations were much more enlightening, thanks!
Dip_the_Dog ยท 20 points ยท Posted at 11:39:25 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Yes bowling at the body is legitimate (with some restrictions on how often you can aim at the batsmans head). The context of this was that Piers Morgan had been talking smack about the English batsmen for failing to perform against this kind of bowling. Brett Lee (a legendary Australian fast bowler who was retired at this point) offered to show Piers just how difficult it is to face these kind of balls.
JoeHook ยท 7 points ยท Posted at 11:45:44 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Oh so this was planned even, wow. Ok thank you, I can properly enjoy this video now.
PatiR ยท 22 points ยท Posted at 11:00:06 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)*
Yes it is.It's not "throwing a ball at somebody", it is bodyline bowling. The field in which the game is played is a roundish stadium and the batsman can hit anywhere in 360 degree(unlike baseball where bodyline pitching i assume is a foul and only play in front of the batter) .
Piers had the bat in his hand, he probably forgot it can be used to hit the ball rather than take body blows, He was just out of his league against the bowler so he could barely lift the bat before the ball was past him.
The bowler(Brett Lee) is among the most genuinely good guys to have played the sport. You can call it unsporting to bowl bodyline balls to a non professional but Piers must have been asking for it. Either way it's no fun if you are gonna do a challenge and the pro has to go halfass and let you match him.
Edit: to give a better idea of the sport https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Cricket
JoeHook ยท 14 points ยท Posted at 11:24:20 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Oh ok, so he should have just angled the bat and deflected it. So he was basically throwing him meatballs that if Piers didn't hit he would look foolish AND get hit by the ball.
Ok, that's funny.
flashbunnny ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 11:34:29 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
In cricket if you dont score runs in an over, the over is deemed extremely successful. Since Pierce didn't even make contact with the ball, Brett bowled a good over. Also he did get him bowled in the 5th ball, so there's that.
mike_rotch22 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 12:30:07 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
That...can be a complicated matter.
The vast majority of the time in baseball, if a pitcher hits a batter, it's unintentional.
There are instances, however, in the "unwritten rules" that if a manager thinks the other team is throwing intentionally at his players, or if the pitcher's throwing the ball in the vicinity of the head (one player died from this; others have suffered broken jaws; one player's career was basically ruined because he got hit in the face and his vision never recovered), he'll have his team retaliate.
Penalty for a hit batter is the batter is awarded first base. If the umpire determines (solely at his discretion) that a pitcher may be throwing at other batters, he'll warn both benches. If a hitter gets hit after that, the umpire has free reign to eject both the pitcher and the manager.
PatiR ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 13:46:25 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Thanks for clearing that up, so it's a unwritten rule for sportsmanlike conduct.
Cricket had a similar unsportsmanlike conduct approach towards bodyline bowling a few decades back when cricket safety gears were not developed( but there were no rules unspoken or written that prevented you from bowling hostile lengths though).As the game went forward and equipments became better bowling such lines became very much part of the game.
Not_a_kulcha ยท 8 points ยท Posted at 10:33:06 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Yup totally. It's a batsman's skill to hit the ball wherever. Most hit to this kind of throws are sixers or fours. But if you're Piers then you're shit out of luck.
Diprotodong ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 11:07:33 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Bowling at someone is sort of part of the game, if he bowled like that in a game he would have been absolutely belted all over the park
MoonlitDrive ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 10:19:41 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I'd like to know an answer to this. As an American getting hit by a pitch is considered fight fuel.
snuff3r ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 12:04:50 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
He has a bat to deflect the ball. That's the only protection you have in cricket. He was seriously out of his depth.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=koUEv1anTb8
Most of those bowls were pretty terrible. With the momentum and the correct deflection they'd all end up as boundaries (aka, free points).
Lozzif ยท -2 points ยท Posted at 13:34:17 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Yup. And it shouldn't by allowed. There was a top line cricketer who died as a result of a bounce hitting him in the worst spot. and it's still bowled that way
jonsnowknowssfa ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 21:48:38 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
That was Philip Hughes. It was a freak accident. Also need to remember that as a bowler you want that batsman not scoring runs. If the batsman is moving to give himself room to hit the ball (eg stepping away from the stumps do he can open his shoulders) the bowler will change the line of his delivery to prevent this, hence why the ball is kept closer to body - makes it harder to hit well.
grumpyporcini ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 09:45:18 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I'm crap at cricket, got a golden duck every year at school, but how many balls of that over were hittable? It just looked like shooting practice to me.
pepe_le_shoe ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 09:47:00 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
What a fucking moron to be so deluded to think that was a good idea.
PatiR ยท 7 points ยท Posted at 11:09:01 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
i liked that Brett went full tilt to give him a taste of the real deal, rather than halfass the contest.
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 12:43:08 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I was so glad to hear he was leaving CNN. I get enough shit about owning guns from Brits and Aussies on the internet already, I don't need it from another one on tv. Iirc, it was actually hurting cnns ratings.
Squarish ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 13:43:26 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)*
While hilarious, is this normal for cricket? You just throw as hard as you can directly at the player?
Edit: nevermind, found answers below
EveGiggle ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 14:02:46 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
he used to be my dads boss and from what I've heard he is an areshole
zerrt ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:12:23 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
What link?
nLotus ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:54:11 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Link?
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:36:04 on September 18, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
You're allowed to drill batters in cricket (unlike baseball)?
[deleted] ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 00:39:34 on September 18, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
It's a bit complicated. It's perfectly legal to aim at a batsman in cricket IF you follow some rules.
1) If the ball bounces on the pitch then it can hit them anywhere in the body.
2) If the ball doesn't bounce then you can legally aim for anything below the legs (hence the huge pads).
antariksh_vaigyanik ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 10:38:50 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Can someone give me the link?
ShiahLe-bitch ยท 59 points ยท Posted at 05:42:18 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Please link this lol
[deleted] ยท 187 points ยท Posted at 05:59:50 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Here you go! https://youtu.be/_ePx61TkXKY
benweiser22 ยท 44 points ยท Posted at 07:03:17 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I don't understand is the point to hit the batter in this sport? Can you give a quick eli5 on how to play.
Hyteg ยท 149 points ยท Posted at 07:07:00 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Normally, it's the point to hit the wicket that's on top of the three sticks behind the batsman. However, if Piers Morgan is the batsman, you hit him with everything you've got.
rabidwombat ยท 41 points ยท Posted at 07:12:28 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Yeah, kinda. Technically, the wicket IS the set of three stumps. The things on top are bails. One way to dismiss a batsman is indeed to dislodge the bails by hitting the stumps with the ball.
Hyteg ยท 12 points ยท Posted at 07:16:04 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Shit I totally forgot about the bails. In my defense I'm Dutch and haven't seen cricket in a long time.
It just doesn't get broadcasted here, so I still don't know all the rules :(
Smauler ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 07:38:17 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
The Dutch have got a decent(ish) team, though.
Slowleftarm ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 08:19:19 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Yeah, not thanks to any broadcasting.
More like Australians and South Africans with Dutch heritage.
Although I'm Dutch and play it :)
rabidwombat ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 10:30:38 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
www.crictime.com is your friend. Even so, the laws can be puzzling to an observer!
Slowleftarm ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 08:18:12 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Jack legt het graag voor je uit
alltorndown ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 10:53:51 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I am Groot?
thelittlegreycells ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 10:06:21 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Ik wist niet eens dat we nationale teams hadden voor zowel de mannen als de vrouwen.
Slowleftarm ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 13:40:22 on September 26, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Late to reply: zeker en zoals gezegd de mannen stunten af en toe.
Hyteg ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 08:46:55 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Dank je! Ga het meteen kijken als ik uit m'n werk kom.
[deleted] ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 07:40:02 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
another way to dismiss him is IRL.
rabidwombat ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 10:33:23 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Well, if you count some of the epic disses that happen on the field, yes :) Some of them are pure gold
[deleted] ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 10:38:37 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
holy shit 7 is savage.
Ragnrok ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 12:33:31 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
As is tradition.
[deleted] ยท 24 points ยท Posted at 07:31:29 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
So why was he such a good sport about it in the video? Seems like the equivalent of saying you could hit a home run off of a baseball pitcher, and instead of actually giving you a chance to try, he just drills you with baseballs for a bit. I get that everyone hates Piers so it's entertaining to watch, but if I was in his shoes I'd be pissed that I didn't even get a serious chance. Unless there's some rules of cricket that make this a perfectly legal thing to do.
[deleted] ยท 24 points ยท Posted at 08:12:48 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
It's psychology. The bowler wants to confuse the batsman about where balls are going. And scare him.
Four balls putting him in danger and then one at the wicket is a good way to do that. By the time the wicket ball comes, the batsman will be focussing more on his own safety. A good batsman won't fall for it and keeps his nerve. Piers is not a good batsman.
However, an umpire will stop repeatedly dangerous play. The infamous "body line series" saw to that. English bowlers won the series through playing the man not the wicket.
Kaydotz ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 09:27:45 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Y'know, that actually makes it sound incredibly similar to baseball
[deleted] ยท 8 points ยท Posted at 09:39:01 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I don't know much about baseball, but I thought that aiming at the batter was illegal?
The only rule in cricket is that you can only bowl two balls in every six which put the batsman's head and neck in danger.
But you're totally allowed to do it.
Hilikus15 ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 10:32:33 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
You can pitch inside to try and scare the batter from taking a real swing or to make them back off the plate if they are crowding it, but if the ball hits any part of the batter's body it's an automatic walk and the batter takes his base.
The only time you'll really see a pitcher try to hit a batter is if there is bad blood between the teams or players involved. For example, if a runner injured one of your fielders with a dirty slide, you, as the pitcher, might take it upon yourself to even the score against that player later on in the game.
Kaydotz ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 10:35:37 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
In baseball, you are not allowed to intentionally hit a batter, but hitting a batter is understood as typically being an accidental occurrence (and it doesn't happen often). If you are hit by a pitched ball, your at-bat ends right then regardless of pitch count and you freely take first base.
However, the pitcher himself won't get in trouble for this, unless the umpire has reason to believe he is intentionally targeting batters. Intentional targeting does happen every so often, quite often in retaliation to something the other pitcher or team did, either that game or because of some past encounter. If the ump thinks a pitcher is intentionally hitting, he will issue a warning that the pitcher will be ejected with any further hit batters. (Because hit batters aren't very common, it's easy for umps to notice patterns of targeting.) A couple of hit batters a game usually isn't enough to warrant an ejection, but does happen in some cases where there is known bad blood and the ump issues premature warnings.
Now, the main thing I was getting at was how similar the strategy you detailed was similar to what I consider one of the most well-taught pitching strategies in baseball. Because you're allowed to pitch inside all day long as long as you don't hit them, and it's also a rule that batters are REQUIRED make an effort to avoid the pitch (in order to prevent them from throwing their bodies in the ball path for a free base), pitchers will throw fast inside a couple times (sometimes almost hitting them) to rattle them and back them off the plate, then send a pitch to the outer half of the strike zone. High fast pitches that look like they're close to your head can be very good to throw a batter off (though throwing too close to the head is usually viewed as a dick move and can cause drama). I should probably note that, even though an inside and outside pitch don't seem all that far apart, the technique for hitting each one is slightly different, and if the pitcher's painting the inside edge and gets you to give the plate more space, it makes it a lot more difficult to reach outside pitches.
Because everyone knows this strategy though, it makes it more unpredictable. Batters lining up for the next pitch to be out over the plate could get another surprise inside pitch or something else fast and easy to be fooled into chasing. There's so much strategy, scouting, and other factors that determine what the best strategy should be that it's way above my youth league pay grade.
Hopefully that makes a little sense :)
[deleted] ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 10:57:45 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Interesting, thanks! The strategies differ because in cricket the bowler is allowed to aim at the body and because in cricket the batter must prevent the ball from hitting the wicket. He cannot just stand aside.
BaughSoHarUniversity ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 14:21:29 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
It's not necessarily illegal, you just can't abuse it. Umpires make a judgment call as to when to warn a pitcher and when to throw them out of the game, but some pitchers have built reputations of essentially being dangerously wild, so it's a subjective judgment on the part of the umpires - they have to determine if they believe throwing at the batter is malicious.
In baseball, there's a phrase called "chin music" which refers to pitchers legally throwing balls high and inside near the batter's head to get them to back off from crowding the plate. Perfectly legal.
ToBeFairHeHasAPoint ยท 19 points ยท Posted at 07:44:27 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Yeah in cricket it is legal.
Hashtagbarkeep ยท 14 points ยท Posted at 07:51:58 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
The short balls like that are actually easier to hit if the batsman is good. It's the ones that are pitched right up (like the one that hit the stumps) that are difficult. However, Piers Morgan isn't a great batsman
hosieryadvocate ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 08:19:18 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I think that the last throw was the chance that he deserved. Also, I'm guessing that Piers must have accused him of not throwing hard enough, which would be insulting.Actually, here is the explanation. https://www.reddit.com/r/AskReddit/comments/532wpf/whats_the_most_savage_comeback_youve_heard/d7qbkz7
RQK1996 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 08:57:23 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I understood it to being that he literally asked the bowler to hit him with the ball
kuasha420 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 12:02:38 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Balls like that in real match would go for fours and sixes because in Cricket you can hit the ball everywhere, it's a round field with pitch in the middle.
RabbitHabits ยท -10 points ยท Posted at 07:47:20 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Yeah the pitcher is being a cunt here. Make him look foolish by throwing it past him, don't try to maim the guy.
atyeo ยท 10 points ยท Posted at 07:56:25 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Not at all. A large element of crickey is the psychological battle between batter and bowler. It's perfectly within the rules for the bowler to aim for the body to intimidate and force the batter into making a mistake.
[deleted] ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 08:20:27 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Like a pushback pitch in baseball.
RabbitHabits ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 07:59:48 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Okay but clearly the thrower is just trying to hurt the hitter, not play mind games with him.
GrinningManiac ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 08:14:43 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
It looks savage from here, but the point of failure is Piers not the bowler.
These kinds of throws are super easy to hit as a batsman. The problem is Piers, like everyone expected, is shit at cricket and so cannot compete on the same level as the bowler.
Think of it like this - if Piers challenged a (Quarterback? I don't know American Football) huge guy from Football to tackle him, the tackler would do a perfectly legal move, but because Piers is not a professional Football player he lacks both the technique and the stature to withstand a professional-tier hit, and would be crushed.
arnm7890 ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 08:09:20 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
As someone said above, the shorter pitched balls (i.e. the ones he drilled into the ground to bounce at the batsman's body) are usually easier to hit out of the park if you're a good batsman
RobinSongRobin ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 08:56:07 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
There's plenty of protective equipment, trying to 'hurt' the batter in this sport isn't something to inspire outrage. Only one of these balls was actually aimed at Piers' head. If you want to see really dangerous bowling, check out this video from the 1930s.
The bodyline tactic used by england in the 1932-33 series led to immediate changes to the rules of cricket. Bouncers disappeared for a long time, which is probably part of the reason why protective helmets weren't adopted until the 70s.
Hartech ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 08:00:22 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
This seemed less like real cricket match where strategy would come into play, and more of a challenge of skill. Wherein the pitcher dude was just like fuck your challenge and fuck you!
Fluentcode ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 08:23:19 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
To be fair to the bowler though... 1) He is a professional sportsman being challenged on his skill by an oaf. 2) Hitting the oaf takes only slightly less skill than hitting the wicket. 3) He is Australian.
Conbanham ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 07:50:46 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Might prove he's actually right if they gave him a chance.
Noobfornow ยท 51 points ยท Posted at 07:23:21 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
You know in baseball, where if you pitch the ball AT the batter it's a foul, that is a completely legit move in cricket. Context for the video is that England were getting destroyed in a two month long series of matches against Australia. Australia were winning by intimidating english batsmen by constantly throwing the ball at them. Piers Morgan is trying to show the english players are pussies and he would do a better job. He did not prove his point.
CoSonfused ยท 43 points ยท Posted at 07:30:32 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
He did take those blows like a champ though.he must have been hurting something piers
lyssav ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 07:35:01 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Have an upvote you bastard.
hiroo916 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 07:56:53 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
so what are the batsmen supposed to do when the ball is thrown directly at them?
Speedy_Fruitcup ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 08:05:44 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Duck.
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 08:14:40 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)*
[removed]
Smaug_the_Tremendous ยท 9 points ยท Posted at 08:43:30 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Take a step forward, if the ball goes behind the batter it is considered a wide and a free run is awarded. Or you can just hit the ball, that's what most batters do.
captnyoss ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 09:46:53 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
No. A full toss above waist height is a "no ball" and gives two run to the other team, and you can only bowl one ball per over (6 deliveries) above shoulder height with a bounce for test cricket. Additional "bouncers" give two runs to the other team.
Furthermore the number of fieldsmen allowed behind the batter on the the left side is restricted so that it is easier score runs if the bowler bowls at the batter.
If you bowl a normal delivery that bounces but is below shoulder height and aimed at the batter, many good batters will smash the shit out of it because it is pretty easy to swing at.
hiroo916 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 23:14:41 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Given all the responses, why was this strategy working for Australian then?
maqusan ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:28:33 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
A good batsman will hit a ball like that over the fence. Piers Morgan isn't a good batsman. He's a porridge-faced cunt.
captnyoss ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 09:52:51 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
They don't throw the ball at all, that would be a no ball and a free run to the other team.
When they bowl the ball, it has to be either a full toss below waist height or they are allowed one ball that bounces and is above shoulder height per over per batsman (Limitedd Overs cricket allows 2).
They can bowl as many as they like that bounce and are below shoulder height, but they're generally easy to score from because there are a limited amount of fielders that can field in the best position for those deliveries (precisely to make it unattractive) so most bowlers only rarely bowl at the batsman. Bowling every ball there would very much be a losing strategy.
The difference between cricket and baseball here being that while the baseball batter has to hit the ball forward, cricketers can hit the ball in any direction, so a ball bowled at the batter can be hit perpendicular to the pitch quite easily.
coredumperror ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 07:50:06 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I cannot fathom a sport where it's legal to intentionally try to injure the competition. Even in American football, a sport notorious for injuries, it's still against the rules to try to hurt someone.
And this is made all the worse by how the pitcher (Is that the term in cricket?) apparently gets a huge running start for their throw, giving them a gigantic power advantage. What the fuck, cricket?
[deleted] ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 08:20:30 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)*
[deleted]
captnyoss ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 09:56:58 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Any ball above waist height is a no ball. The bowler gets a warning for a bouncer (above shoulder height but below the top of the head, above that is a wide), they're allowed one per over in test cricket (per batsman) and two in 50 over cricket.
arghhmonsters ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 07:58:23 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Term is Bowler.
Pinkar ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 08:58:02 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Ahm... How about box... Not only it is legal to try to hurt your opponent, its the whole point of it
coredumperror ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:41:21 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I can't really fathom boxing at all, to be honest. I consider sports like boxing and MMA to be pretty barbaric.
TrjnRabbit ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 09:30:02 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
There's a basic expectation of competence. While even the best batsmen in the world get hit from time to time, anyone who steps up to the crease should be able to move to defend themselves.
This isn't the equivalent of someone challenging a baseball pitcher and getting hit. This is equivalent to someone challenging a boxer and not putting their gloves up.
AUniqueEnoughName ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 08:02:47 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Ah... the memories of Mitchell Johnson drilling the poms :'D "the crowd is behind Johnson... It's like the days of Lillie and Thompson"
Smauler ยท 9 points ยท Posted at 07:36:04 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
It's not the point to hit the batter. However, you're allowed to try to hit the batter in the face. At 100mph.
This is purely done to fuck up the batter. That's the only point.
There's loads of tactics involved, though. If you try to do this a lot of the time in test cricket, with a decent batsman, you'll get hit about the park a lot, even at 100mph.
atyeo ยท 7 points ยท Posted at 08:01:22 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Perfect example: https://youtu.be/JojnoSO4MDc
rsf507 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:48:13 on September 18, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I have no idea what I just watched or what words were just said
RabbitHabits ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 07:49:20 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I don't understand. Is there no penalty for hitting the batter?
Smauler ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 07:56:57 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
No, no penalty at all in test cricket.
It's a valid tactic.
edit : the only real balls that are prohibited are beamers - balls that don't bounce and are above waist height.
just1nw ยท 9 points ยท Posted at 07:18:18 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
The only thing I recall about this is that glorious white robots are supposed to start flailing around explosive cricket bats...
betterstartlooking ยท 7 points ยท Posted at 07:40:21 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)*
Ah, Earth's ultimate redneck backwater move, naming a delightful (if slightly esoteric) sport after the most brutally violent events in all of universal history. Edit: a letter
Hashtagbarkeep ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 07:53:02 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
That's krikket
gogetakakaroot ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 08:12:57 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I can't believe how one wouldn't know about cricket but then again,Im Indian.
Elite_AI ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 12:36:42 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I'm English and I don't know anything about cricket.
gogetakakaroot ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:44:14 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
You invented cricket,most of us worship it,live for it,fight for it,im not one of them fyi.
plasticTron ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 07:37:04 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I hate to say anything nice about piers Morgan but he took that pretty well.
ShiahLe-bitch ยท 7 points ยท Posted at 07:16:56 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Ahhhhh that was fucking great, watching that cunt get drilled was so satisfying
*Edit- fuck lol
laxt ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 08:40:30 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Piers: "Well, I'm 48 years old.."
Didja know that when you signed up for this?
hosieryadvocate ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 08:16:34 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Wow...that's frightening.
LPT: never let a professional ball thrower throw balls at you after you've made him angry.
Mage_of_Shadows ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 06:56:47 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Thanks for linking, that was glorious indeed
ActionDonson ยท -3 points ยท Posted at 07:32:52 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
What a shitty sport.
gcta333 ยท 35 points ยท Posted at 06:56:25 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
For having broken ribs that guy actually handled it really well.
Siicktiits ยท 11 points ยท Posted at 07:13:13 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
is that how they actually pitch in cricket? directly at someone? or are they just fucking with him by trying to kill him lol... weirdest clip ever without knowing the context when the pitcher comes up to him and gives him props after pelting him over and over again for 30 minutes
CheeseMakerThing ยท 21 points ยท Posted at 07:30:33 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
The intention is to get someone out, by hitting the stumps or getting the batsman to mishit the ball and try to catch it, but this is just a piss around in the practice nets. One way to encourage that is to pitch the ball short and get the batsmen to play the ball in an uncomfortable manner, but that's only one of several ways. In this case, everyone wanted to see Brett Lee to hurt Piers Morgan, and Brett Lee was one of the fastest bowlers of the modern era. Short balls that get as high as the batsmen's shoulder are limited to 2 an over now though due to the body line ashes series in the 1930s where a lot of the Australian batsmen ended up getting hurt because of the way England were bowling. Cricket has a lot of rules and you're probably going to learn more watching a game than by description though.
jonsnowknowssfa ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 07:38:23 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Good description. I couldn't be arsed trying to explain this glorious game to foreigners. I'll admit it would seem odd without watching a game.
Siicktiits ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 07:47:06 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
okay so you have some leeway, kinda like when a baseball pitcher pitches high and inside... do they get penalized if they hit someone or only if they exceed the limit. im guessing you bowl a ball like that as finishing move for a batter or an inning or over whatever they call it.
CheeseMakerThing ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 07:53:39 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
You're allowed to hit someone as many times as you like, if you hit the batsmen's leg pad when his leg is in front of the stumps is a way to get out. You're limited to 2 deliveries in an over (an over being 6 deliveries, at the end of the over the bowler changes) that can go as high as the batsmen's shoulder when standing fully up, if you hit him or not. If you bowl a third, you get penalised and the opposing team get a run and you have to rebowl the previous delivery.
And you tend to bowl a ball like that just to unsettle them. This is usually followed up by a delivery aimed at the stumps.
Siicktiits ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 08:03:42 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
yeah i meant upper body, i was aware that they could take shots off the legs... so its the bounce that's the illegal part not the body shots. both players are playing off the other thinking they can capitalize off the situation, if the batter hits a ball bowled like that it will result in a lot of run time and the bowler is trying to get the batter off guard. pretty cool
arnm7890 ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 08:14:12 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
If you're good enough to hit the batsman on the torso 6 times out of 6 (so still below the shoulder, I.e not exceeding the 2-ball limit), you're allowed to do that
Smauler ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 07:45:07 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
You're allowed to, yes.
Generally in test cricket it's not used that often, like once every 15-20 balls or so will be one trying to hit you in the face or ribs. It's to keep the batsmen on their toes.
Philip Hughes, an Australian test cricketer was killed by one of these balls a couple of years ago. The safety standards of helmets have been made better since, but the rules haven't changed.
edit : It's generally quite a safe game, though.
illbeyourgentleman ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 07:46:12 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
It's done to intimidate in matches as the best way to defend your stumps if the ball is on course to hit them is usually stepping forward, which will only get you hurt if it's pitched short. It was a tactic used to great effect by the Australian Mitchell Johnson in that series, which was what prompted piers to comment that the English batsman were just scared of the ball. Johnson was probably bowling 10mph (if not more!) quicker than Brett Lee in the video
Hamza_33 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 08:37:13 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Wait till you see beamers. Youtube it.
captnyoss ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 09:59:09 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
It's a professional cricketer bowling against a total amateur. A decent batsman would score a lot of runs from bowling like that.
iam_funky_notajunkie ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 07:40:59 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Yes it is a completely legitimate and a regular tactic. Philip Hughes an Australian cricketer actually died a couple of years ago after being hit on the neck. https://youtu.be/FaKhYJ1xfB4 (link is not of that incident).
Lozzif ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 13:35:26 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Not just trying. Top Aussie cricketer was actually killed.
It's a disgusting tactic and it's still used despite Hughes death. It should be outlawed.
chubbyurma ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 15:27:42 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Grow up princess. If you ban the bouncer then you might as well just outright ban the sport.
plasticTron ยท -1 points ยท Posted at 07:27:18 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)*
Yeah he's fucking with him. You're supposed to hit the sticks behind him. Those sticks- the wicket - are basically like the strike zone in baseball.
illbeyourgentleman ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 07:42:25 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
They reckoned it was slower than that (around 80-85) obviously still very quick for anyone other than a professional cricketer, but not quite the 93 ish that Mitchell Johnson was bowling in that series (which was what prompted piers into making his comments). For context very few bowlers can bowl over 90 at their peak and Brett Lee was retired at this point which shows even more clearly how quickly the professionals bowl.
DonnieMarco ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 07:54:14 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Something the British and Australians can completely agree with when it comes to cricket then.
ClintTorus ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 08:07:39 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I dont know anything about cricket, but is throwing the ball at your opponents body part of the game? Otherwise he's just sucker punching basically. I mean how about if Piers just walks up, pretends like he's about to shake his hand and fucking cracks him in the knee with the bat? What does that prove to anybody?
throwtrollbait ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:03:07 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Agreed. This looks to be the epitome of unsportsmanlike conduct.
sion21 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 09:24:23 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Dont know about cricket or this feud. but isnt it a dick move to throw ball at him? why is that glorified?
cheapdvds ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 08:08:01 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Lol I read Bruce Lee...
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 08:23:56 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
That was the greatest video I've ever seen. Aussie aussie aussie
Hamza_33 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 08:36:00 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
100mph+? Isn't only Akhtar there?
Engage_Physically ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 08:44:50 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I remember that very well, the look on Morgan's face after facing those fast balls will forever be my go to happy place.
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 09:01:56 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Just watched. Amazing!
luip ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 09:56:23 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
https://youtu.be/_ePx61TkXKY
solute24 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 10:26:14 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Yah well technically 95+ mph balls not 100+ mph balls, 100 mph is fastest recorded delivery in cricket and not by Brett Lee, Brett Lee is the 2nd fastest recorded bowler
ButterflyAttack ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 10:49:23 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Godlike. I hadn't heard of this but it makes me happy, thank you.
gcbeehler5 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 11:26:39 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_ePx61TkXKY
Also having watched that, I realized I have no idea how cricket is played.
joeroganfolks ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 12:04:40 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
https://youtu.be/RCgAqNSAD1U
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 12:25:55 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
They were not 100mph+
warpenguin55 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 13:54:27 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
LOL please tell me there is a link to this, i have to see it
TrepanationBy45 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:52:13 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Link to watch!
squeakychair ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:19:56 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I just watched it, I definitely didn't have all the context but he seemed to be quite the opposite of a cunt, took it and then came out of it smiling and laughing. Why is this guy so hated?
maqusan ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:23:17 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
He hacks dead kids' phones. He's a cunt.
jesusburger ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 20:46:28 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I don't like pierce but that was a bit much. Dude just doesn't even try and throw a good pitch, he goes for pierces body and head. Brutal. Like, he could have just embarrassed pierce by being a good pitcher
IdrissaKing ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 20:56:43 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I love Piers and that gave me mixed feelings. He got hurt but he is a brave man.
Perk_i ยท 400 points ยท Posted at 04:48:54 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
https://twitter.com/jeremyclarkson/status/592329062502248448
NuclearDoot ยท 53 points ยท Posted at 05:50:19 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Oh course it's fucking Clarkson
Swagged_Out_Custar ยท 31 points ยท Posted at 06:10:55 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I read it and though "Whoever said that is an absolute savage."
Clarkson is an absolute savage.
blaghart ยท 14 points ยท Posted at 06:51:38 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
It's funny what happens when you have no reason to give a fuck.
tekmonkey ยท 41 points ยท Posted at 06:03:33 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Clarkson is pure gold.
"Yes but your name is Keith"
JumboJellybean ยท 28 points ยท Posted at 07:15:18 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
It's not a comeback, but I really loved the dig against him in the TV show A Touch of Cloth. The cops arrive at a murder scene where the victim has been disembowelled, and start gagging and wretching, looking away in horror. Then one of them gets rid of a photo of Piers Morgan the victim had on the table, and everyone's fine.
[deleted] ยท 35 points ยท Posted at 05:06:01 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
If it's not too late: anybody from Europe care to explain why you hate him? I'm an American, it's practically required of me to hate him, but I would love to hear from my fellow Redditor's from across the Atlantic about why they hate him.
Coquelins-counselor ยท 36 points ยท Posted at 05:36:20 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
He used to be the editor of a newspaper called The Mirror, which is renowned for being sleazy. He has been questioned several times about his role in the hacking of celebrity phones. https://www.theguardian.com/media/2015/apr/21/piers-morgan-phone-hacking-mirror
BestFriendWatermelon ยท 9 points ยท Posted at 13:54:02 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
You don't understand. He moved to America because he was practically a person non gratis in the UK. He is the single most despised man in the UK. In America he's what, tenth? He is more reviled in the UK than terrorist organisers like Anjem Choudary.
The man ran a vile tabloid newspaper, and became infamous as a coward and a bully, relentlessly pursuing vendettas against many of Britain's most beloved celebrities.
You've seen how toxic he is on US TV, but it's nothing compared to his TV appearances in the UK. Youtube Pier Morgan on 'Have I Got News For You' for a perfect example.
He also left the UK around the time shit hit the fan on all the awful things tabloids had been doing during his time in charge, when his newspaper led the charge in disrupting police investigations, paparazzi, tabloid witch hunts, even hounding princess Diana to her death and following her death up with screeching headlines defaming her grieving family, accusing them of not being upset enough, etc.
He is the public hate figure of the UK. I'm not sure America has an equivalent. I was tempted to say Rush Limbaugh, but even he has people that like him. You ever come to the UK and wanna make some friends, just start sounding off about what a cunt Piers Morgan is in a busy room. We're brought up on what a cunt he is.
Itsragetiem ยท 28 points ยท Posted at 05:21:23 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Not European, but it's pretty well established that he's a cunt.
omgdave ยท 22 points ยท Posted at 05:32:55 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Stephen Fry defining a word about Piers Morgan on "I'm Sorry I Haven't a Clue".
[deleted] ยท -4 points ยท Posted at 05:25:28 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
[deleted]
DrakkoZW ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 05:34:14 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Piers Morgan is not and has not run for political office, I don't know what you're even trying to say
OJFrost ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 05:32:26 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
We prefer "huge douche" and "turd sandwhich"
Itsragetiem ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 05:31:06 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I'm not sure what your point is.
Nachofizz ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:45:35 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
He was referring to hating Piers Morgan, not Ben Carson.
ijustwantanfingname ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 05:25:58 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I'm an american, just checking in to reaffirm that I do hate that twatty cunt.
radome9 ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 05:20:36 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Have you seen his face?
darexinfinity ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 06:06:17 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Ben Carson is a gentle voiced Trump, they do behave differently but really their agendas are very similar. And last I remember there was an European country petition to ban Trump.
Euphorium ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 06:23:32 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Carson is more like sleepy Ted Cruz.
McDouchevorhang ยท -1 points ยท Posted at 13:18:35 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
First of all, Europe is not a country, which you may not know as an American.
I for one am German and I have never heard of this person and I guess most of my countrymen haven't. And I'll go out on a limb here and say neither have most Italians, Poles, Austrians, Spaniards, and Croatians.
ijustwantanfingname ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 15:44:05 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Go fuck yourself Hans.
McDouchevorhang ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 17:18:03 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
You obviously are in need of a comma and manners. I can provide one of these - here: ,
ijustwantanfingname ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:14:34 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
That sentence does not require a comma.
McDouchevorhang ยท -1 points ยท Posted at 19:43:29 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
It does - right before the name Hans. It's called direct address.
Anything else I can help you with apart from the correct use of your own language?
ijustwantanfingname ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:30:48 on September 18, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
It is not a required comma, and you've avoided using at least 3 in your comments so far.
McDouchevorhang ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 14:45:26 on September 18, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Ah, but it is.
If you find the time between downvoting my comments - would you point out which commas I missed? As a non-native speaker I am always eager to learn.
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:31:13 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Where in the world in my comment did I say anything about Europe being a country? I know it's a continent, and some people from your continent were very kind in giving me their opinion. Your condescending remarks are unappreciated.
McDouchevorhang ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 17:45:59 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
It's kind of implied when you ask "anybody from Europe", especially when stating you're American, sort of as a counterpart.
But whatever, I don't want to squabble with you.
cynical_genius ยท 8 points ยท Posted at 07:50:23 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
When Bradley Wiggins won a gold medal in the Olympics, Piers Morgan tweeted "I was very disappointed Bradley Wiggins didnโt sing the anthem either. Show some respect to our Monarch please!".
Wiggins responded with: "I was disappointed when you didnโt go to jail for insider dealing or phone hacking, but you know, each to his own.โ.
[deleted] ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 12:33:53 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
That was a genuine comeback but it wasn't tweeted by Bradley Wiggins.
http://istwitterwrong.tumblr.com/post/29048435249/did-bradley-wiggins-say-that-thing-to-piers
Negro_Jihad ยท 7 points ยท Posted at 07:37:28 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)*
lol classic....and for anyone who wants to see Piers get physically hurt, he once tweeted that he could face an over from Australian pace bowler Brett Lee, who obliges him and bowls six deliveries at Peirs with a rock hard cricket ball at around 155kph. Needless to say, Peirs had a trip to the hospital that night with a fractured floating rib and elbow bone :)
RQK1996 ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 08:53:37 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
tbf he did literally ask for it
madcreator ยท 26 points ยท Posted at 05:49:59 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Reminds me of a Reddit thread from a while ago. It was a news article about how ridiculous Trump's medical letter was. Part of it was about how the doctor who supposedly wrote it was a gastroenterologist.
One of the comments was: Trump is such an asshole that he has a gastroenterologist examine his whole body.
CartoonWarp ยท 43 points ยท Posted at 04:11:46 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
That's actually really good.
Another--Moss ยท 53 points ยท Posted at 04:31:11 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Which is the point of this thread
[deleted] ยท 29 points ยท Posted at 04:46:35 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Woah
countersoul ยท 12 points ยท Posted at 05:24:48 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Yikes
Coffeesq ยท 9 points ยท Posted at 05:34:43 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Ok.
homeyG75 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 06:09:10 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Except most of these aren't that funny.
Elite_AI ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 12:38:46 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Which is the point of this website.
coderascal ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 13:40:42 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Earlier this year I was diagnosed with a tumor inside my spinal cord. The neurologist who diagnosed me said there are about 4 people in the country he'd consider experienced enough to perform the surgery I'd need to remove it, one of them being Ben Carson.
I decided to interview the other three.
JournalofFailure ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 15:13:09 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Carson is the best example of how brilliance in one area doesn't translate into competence in other areas.
RedditIsDumb4You ยท 9 points ยท Posted at 06:14:45 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Oh man if we are going political patton oswald recently tweeted something like "Wait so hilarly is sick with a pneumonia and she is still campaigning as hard as she is? Does anyone realize how badass that is?" And someone replied, "If you could tell when a woman was terminally ill your wife wouldn't be dead"
Br0metheus ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 06:58:07 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
REKT
DipskiForMyLipski ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 07:08:58 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Fuck Piers Morgan
FlynnerMcGee ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 07:16:47 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Dame Edna had a brilliant one on him too.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=b69yueVkRKk
midgetcastle ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 07:28:36 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Piers Moron.
What a nob
frankuwood ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 07:39:02 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Is it that loudmouth British journalist ? Indian cricketer, Virender Sehwag burnt him too recently
bobming ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 07:39:15 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Another great comeback to Piers Morgan was from Gary Lineker (former English soccer player with a nice guy reputation on the pitch)
https://twitter.com/GaryLineker/status/170269018605887488?s=09
pyroSeven ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 09:53:55 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Hahaha does anyone actually like Piers Morgan?
JournalofFailure ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 13:39:41 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
It is truly astonishing how everyone, from far-right to far-left, absolutely despises him.
lyyki ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 10:27:11 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Piers Morgan also got destroyed by Ian Hislop years ago in Have I Got News For You.
Also a longer clip of Piers being a cunt and getting destroyed.
puskas14 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 12:48:56 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Frankie Boyle old tweet to Piers:
"Piers Morgan claims that women send him their knickers in the post. Presumably with the note 'From one cunt to another'".
newsheriffntown ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 13:29:49 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Who the hell names their kid Piers?
stoolsample2 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 20:49:30 on September 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Brilliant
xRoisinDubh ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:23:41 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Boom roasted.
SlothyTheSloth ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 06:38:36 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
If your head was up your ass, wouldn't you still want a brain surgeon working on your ass-brain rather than a proctologist?
jakielim ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 06:41:29 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Which is stupid considering regardless of his political or religious beliefs, he's one of the top brain surgeons.
brberg ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 06:52:45 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Well, to be fair, he is famous for cutting brains in half.
Sinidir ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 06:54:27 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
meh
CryoSage ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 06:55:40 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Lmfao REKT
CapitalG ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 07:05:17 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
It was Stephen Miller, aka @redsteeze: https://twitter.com/redsteeze/status/662764274717192192
Metroidzoid ยท 2165 points ยท Posted at 00:41:54 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Playing Smash Bros in our big gay house
Me "You know I can relate to Charizard; we both got a bit of a belly but that's ok"
Roommate: "and you both peaked in the 90s"
[deleted] ยท 77 points ยท Posted at 05:43:05 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)*
[removed]
Metroidzoid ยท 80 points ยท Posted at 08:07:59 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Literally me, my bf, our gay roommate, our gay friend crashing on the couch, our friend and his bf visiting to do laundry ... "Big gay house" is pretty damn accurate
rockidol ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 21:48:49 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Will need pictures of the house to confirm that it's big.
Metroidzoid ยท 13 points ยท Posted at 02:02:07 on September 18, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
House is actually small apartment, Big Gay is the name we take on when we combine into one giant Gaybot
guto8797 ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 12:55:12 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Now the important question:
How many orgies? You can't live in a "big gay house" and have no orgies
Naggins ยท 27 points ยท Posted at 13:34:11 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
That's like saying you can't live in a big straight house and not have orgies.
[deleted] ยท 18 points ยท Posted at 14:54:24 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
You can?
[deleted] ยท 8 points ยท Posted at 16:27:24 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
What a fucking relief
Level3Kobold ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 05:17:18 on September 18, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
In a big straight house, it is impossible for everyone to be attracted to everyone else.
Not so in a big gay house.
Naggins ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 08:53:23 on September 18, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
You think everyone's attracted to everyone else in an orgy? That's kinda cute, if incredibly innocent.
Level3Kobold ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 08:56:11 on September 18, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Uh, okay, you can stop masturbating your ego.
Point is that if everyone is attracted to everyone else then an orgy makes a lot of sense. The fewer people who are attracted to everyone, the less sense an orgy makes. Ergo a big gay house has a MUCH higher orgy potential than a big straight house.
Naggins ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 09:14:30 on September 18, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Nope. Really, horniness and general kinkiness are much bigger factors. Also they're often kinda spontaneous. Few people are having sex, couple of others also have sex, then all the people having sex merge into one big ball of sex.
You seem kinda salty n stuff but it's not my fault you've for some bizarre reason romanticised orgies.
_LulzCakee_ ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:52:09 on September 19, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Actually, just like straights aren't attracted to every single person of the opposite sex, neither are gays. There's no guarantee all gay guys in a room would be attracted to each other.
What happens if they were all replused by each other? There would be no orgy.
Level3Kobold ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 20:33:20 on September 19, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Agreed. But it's not impossible for 6 gay people to all be attracted to each other. It is impossible for 6 straight people to all be attracted to each other. Hence, greater potential in big gay house.
[deleted] ยท -1 points ยท Posted at 16:43:11 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
A house full of entirely straight men wouldn't and couldn't have any orgies, I don't understand your thought process here
Naggins ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 16:50:04 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
You do realise that straight women exist, right?
EverythingIsFalse ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 18:39:52 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
no.
[deleted] ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 22:02:56 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Relevant username.
[deleted] ยท -4 points ยท Posted at 17:16:19 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Homosexuals are more promiscuous than straight people on average
Naggins ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 17:39:48 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Subtle differences there in how you refer to gay people vs straight people. Telling.
[deleted] ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 16:14:59 on September 20, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I use gay and homosexual, straight and heterosexual interchangeably all the time.
What is telling though, is that no one even tries to contradict me but just downvotes instead because they're butthurt about facts being pointed out.
Homosexuals are more promiscuous, the data supports it, deal with it.
Naggins ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 16:35:31 on September 20, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Oh, I didn't say you were incorrect. On average, yeah, that's correct.
I was just pointing out what I saw as an interesting difference in language referring to gay people, and if you think such differences are never indicative of underlying attitudes, you're naive. You see similar patterns of language when Redditors talk about women too, preferring to use "females" like a Ferengi from Star Trek.
Metroidzoid ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 19:00:26 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I appreciate those of you who aren't being asshats about the "promiscuous gays" thing.
And no haha. There is surprising / disappointingly few orgies. But we've all seen each other naked one time or another, and there are like zero secrets about.
bear__attack ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 14:59:43 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
And how you totally missed the obvious flaming joke...
[deleted] ยท 764 points ยท Posted at 02:39:49 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Peaked? Peaked, bro? Let me tell you something. I havenโt even begun to peak. And when I do peak, youโll know. Because Iโm gonna peak so hard that everybody in Philadelphiaโs gonna feel it.
aslan_0428 ยท 33 points ยท Posted at 05:41:15 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
The Golden God!
EinsZweiDreiVeir ยท 16 points ยท Posted at 11:44:06 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I know that's Dennis, but it sounds so much like Trump...
B-Bad ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 09:52:19 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Damn it. Now I gotta go rewatch all of Sunny in Philly
hecknotechno1 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 20:00:00 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
That's what I say almost every day when I come to Reddit. Not that I'm complaining.
thx4thelaff ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 09:18:03 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I love you
Dalmatos ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 11:39:16 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
*Everybody in our big gay house is gonna feel it.
(Awesome Sunny reference though.)
Metroidzoid ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 19:01:49 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Confession: I've never seen Always Sunny and I didn't even know I made an accidental reference
MrFniss ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 13:35:22 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Hey I get that reference! I recently started watching that show, they really got no issue with joking about any topic.
Russian_Submarine ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 10:27:49 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Aw fuk I'm peaking
-FeistyRabbitSauce- ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 05:49:49 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Peak all the way up your ass.
undercoverbrutha ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 14:52:40 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I don't think there's any science to support that
boxingsquare ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 20:09:45 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
*peek
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 21:05:47 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Nope.
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 20:36:03 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Wild Card Bitches!!!!
lordhellion ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 15:13:37 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I love when r/IASIP bleeds over...
WhenTheBeatKICK ยท 13 points ยท Posted at 04:08:08 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
this needs more fire emojis
ukulelej ยท 13 points ยท Posted at 05:38:28 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
But... Mega Charizard X.
0raichu ยท 8 points ยท Posted at 06:38:47 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)*
โโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโ
kpecc99 ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 18:26:38 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Blast burn can't melt Ash's dreams
VernonN ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 15:16:04 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
of course that exists
ToushiroHikaru ยท 9 points ยท Posted at 08:24:19 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Let "big gay house" become a side event at The Big House 6.
PM_ME_YOUR_EWOK_GIF ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 15:35:28 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
MacD wins?
TheBrickBlock ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 20:27:20 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
MacD and Sky for grand finals
ThatKidWhoReadsALot ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 13:40:46 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
/\
blueroom789 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 06:52:14 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)*
Also the fact that Charizard is the worst character in the game? Edit: ok ok hes not worse than puff. He's still bottom tier
ThatChickFromReddit ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 07:23:40 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
dude... no.
JDMcWombat ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 07:30:32 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
He's definitely not the worst. That goes to Puff or Zelda currently
_Advertisement ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 07:27:46 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Have you updated your smash yet?
dawgball9 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:33:47 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
First one to make me laugh out loud! Needed it!
PunkRockMakesMeSmile ยท 759 points ยท Posted at 03:34:00 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Ok, this is a fun little memory. My dad was jokey every once in a while. One day when I was probably ten or eleven, he says to me out if nowhere "Hey little boy, how'd you get to be so ugly?"
I respond, without missing a beat "It's probably genetic". I had probably known what that meant for about a month at that time and I felt pretty slick
GatorGladiator ยท 91 points ยท Posted at 15:13:53 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
CONGRATULATIONS!!!
YOU HAVE ASCENDED ABOVE THE DAD JOKE
FREED FROM THE VULNERABLE MORTAL COIL OF MEDIOCRITY, ANY ATTEMPT TO TRICK YOU ONCE MORE WILL BE CRUSHED BY THE MERE FEAR OF WHAT YOU MAY DO IN RETALIATION
VaginaBird ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:47:22 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I wish I could up vote more than once...
shanerz ยท 18 points ยท Posted at 06:54:35 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
You got your wit from your mother.
Wetwithwords33 ยท 39 points ยท Posted at 07:32:20 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Omg that remimded me of my younger cousin. I was over their house in the afternoon and they had all taken a nap and looked a little bit messy. I dont even remember how it got started but we all tease her about these chubby twins that she has a rivalry with but we tell her its really because they have a crush on her. We turn it around and say she probably has a crush on them. Dont remember how it started but her dad tried to jab her about it.
Uncle: im going to take your cell away. You're on it way too much and i dont want you talking to those two tubby kids.
Cousin: you can take it. Besides, i know where they live.
Hes kind of upset and surprized at her responce so he tries to make her mad. Uncle: i dont know what you even see in them, they dont even look decent. I bet they couldnt even run from here to the stop sign without having a heart attack.
She knows what her dad is trying to do and stays cool as a cucumber Cousin: it's not about looks, they're can be really nice
Uncle: they're ao fat and ugly. They look like they're about to explode, i don't know what you see in them. They're so ugly!
Cousin: i dont know what mom sees in you!
Lmao oh my god, everyones jaw dropped lmao i walked out of the room and laughed the hardest i had in a while.. The cruel thing about it is that my uncle has been slowly gaining weight through the years and hes pretty chubby now. On top of that my family really really dislikes him on a terrible level so that shit cut him deep.
His jaw dropped hard, he didnt even know what to say and her ass was smirking because she knew he had nothing for that. He just sheepishly said "go ask her" lmao i retold that story to everyone i ran into that day. She was only 12 at the time
The_Trumpinator ยท 14 points ยท Posted at 13:54:07 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
He sounds like a tool
Wetwithwords33 ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 15:27:24 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Hence why my aunts (my) family hates him. I nearly pissed my pants when i heard his daughter say that to him. Instant karma
maumacd ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 15:50:05 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
It's a running joke in my family - any time a relative says something teasy or insulting, you always respond by shrugging and saying, "I come by it honestly".
Basically I have a huge local extended family, and we are all major trolls - my grandpa is the best/worst. He gets blamed for making us all trolly with his genetics.
But! Thanks for the thick hair that never turns grey and the amazing blood pressure! (Seriously my grandpa just started going grey at 85+, the only other person with greys is my dad, and it was only after he did chemo that he got any greys. My great grandma died at 102 with just salt and pepper hair. Amazing.)
porkpie1 ยท 2089 points ยท Posted at 01:52:36 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Kid I was fighting with in middle school - (paraphrase) I bet your parents think you're a failure.
Me - Your parents don't even know you're a failure (he was adopted.)
I felt a little bad afterwards, but the kid was a prick and still is 15 years later.
whysotortoise ยท 335 points ยท Posted at 05:12:42 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Kid shoulda known you don't bring a knife to a gun fight.
rockyrode ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 19:50:44 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Didn't Mythbusters test this?
jwfiredragon ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 20:40:04 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Yeah, and I think it turned out that a knife is better than a revolver within a certain range (like two or three meters), but only if the knife-wielder acts first.
[deleted] ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 16:34:29 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
probably would have known if he had real parents to teach him
SociallyAwkwardDirt ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 12:55:45 on September 26, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Stab them while they're laughing.
[deleted] ยท 37 points ยท Posted at 06:45:25 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
He was asking for that.
porkpie1 ยท 27 points ยท Posted at 07:16:56 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
That was in 2002 and I'm still proud of my middle school self for it.
marr ยท 35 points ยท Posted at 09:15:32 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
He's probably still a prick because he never recovered from that moment. Got a room full of guns, blurry Polaroids of your life, thumbtacks and string.
porkpie1 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 10:08:18 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
He's probably in a "safe space" where his feelings can't get hurt.
The_Trumpinator ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 13:33:14 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Canada
itachifan035 ยท -1 points ยท Posted at 13:36:09 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
In Canada, he kills you and then everyone witnessing it says sorry.
Rios7467 ยท 13 points ยท Posted at 12:27:01 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Had a similar situation. One of my "friends" started acting like a total bitch out of nowhere and she was adopted as well. She just kept going off and calling me stuff like "fatass" (I'm kind of a big dude but nowhere near enough to warrant that) so I eventually went over the top and told her "I understand why your parents don't love you now." Felt a little bad but at the same time she came at me unwarranted.
Anayalator ยท 8 points ยท Posted at 13:05:51 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Similar thing happened to me. Kid found out my crush and was just hounding me for weeks to the point where i just blew up.
Me: No, I dont like her or anyone anymore Joey.
Joey: so what? You're saying that you're gay now? Hahahaha
Me: yeah totally, if im so gay then how come I still live with my real mom.
He started crying and left me alone after that.... I still feel bad sometimes.
PAxlFitz ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 15:22:58 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
"Looks like yours saw it coming though"
Frothpiercer ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 12:23:12 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Generation Kill
HansGruber314 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 02:01:45 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Shots fired!
[deleted] ยท -22 points ยท Posted at 07:22:58 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
[deleted]
harveyf-king_bullock ยท 42 points ยท Posted at 09:49:25 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
no, just you
floppydude81 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:48:41 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Can I repost this?
harveyf-king_bullock ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:19:31 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Go ahead
jethrodsp ยท 5625 points ยท Posted at 00:41:48 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
My then 4-year old was mad at me one night.
He tells me: "OH YEA, WE'LL I'M GONNA SELL YOUR BIRTHDAY ON EBAY!" I matter-of-factly informed him that I don't need anymore birthdays anyway. His retort: "AND NO ONE IS GONNA BUY IT!"
WTF. I've hung out with some real degenerates in my 35 years, but no one has cut me as deep as that.
Malakoji ยท 1347 points ยท Posted at 04:05:17 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
upvoted because that was both savage and unexpected from a four year old. fuckin rekt.
[deleted] ยท 113 points ยท Posted at 09:55:57 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
My daughter once asked me if I'm smarter than a monkey, I said "Of course I'm smarter than a monkey." She says "No you're not, you're just a monkey that learned to do tricks."
She's going to fit right in.
99sec ยท 25 points ยท Posted at 11:18:31 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Well... She's not wrong
TheCoolOnesGotTaken ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 12:50:25 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Makes me concerned for the kids home life. What kind of parents must this kid have that no one would buy their birthday?
Strokethegoats ยท 1086 points ยท Posted at 04:43:27 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Little kids can Savage little shit heads. My sister asked me the other day if I had a girlfriend yet. To which I reply no She adks why but before I can answer she goes " nevermind ugly boys don't get girlfriends". Well fuck you too lol
scarrlet ยท 681 points ยท Posted at 06:45:02 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
My friend works in a school, got asked her age by the kids, and when she answered they hit her with, "You're 25 and you're not married? Do you cry a lot?"
PM_a_fact_about_you ยท 43 points ยท Posted at 12:41:11 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I'm 25, unmarried, and I don't cry a lot, but I think that question would change that
DemRocks ยท 60 points ยท Posted at 07:24:47 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
See I don't think that's a burn, that's just harsh - darn kids
baevar ยท 15 points ยท Posted at 09:34:35 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Can confirm burn status.
LeakyLycanthrope ยท 16 points ยท Posted at 14:50:10 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I worked as a TA at a day camp run by a children's theatre for several years. Kids always want to know the same things:
prancingElephant ยท 17 points ยท Posted at 07:21:31 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Ouch.
coffeetime825 ยท 8 points ยท Posted at 14:38:48 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I had a student ask if I were married, ask if I had a baby, and then when I said "no" he gave me a look of judgement and told me how old his mom is. Basically she was pregnant with him when she was my age.
[deleted] ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 16:34:26 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I don't mean this in any pejorative sense, but I'm a little curious- was this the Southern US? I only ask because as someone who lives here now, but was not originally from here, that was one of those cultural things that stood out to me. This kinda vague regard that if you make it through your early 20s without getting married and having your first kid then something must be up with you...
scarrlet ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 23:31:19 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Nope, the rural Pacific Northwest. It's definitely a small town where everyone who doesn't leave and go to college immediately gets married and starts popping out babies.
The girls then followed it up with, "That's what they do in the movies, they cry a lot and eat ice cream," so I'm guessing they had just watched some bad rom-coms.
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 23:53:56 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Haha. I should have guessed bad rom-coms. At least we got Matthew Mcconaughey out of all that nonsense.
hopswage ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 16:45:28 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
It's not like rednecks have very good prospects. Might as well get hitched early rather than work on building a career.
CloudBoy416 ยท 31 points ยท Posted at 06:07:46 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
It's all about their environment. My sister will be giving her 4 year old step son a bath when he'll say something like "Heidi. You don't have any money!" He doesn't understand the concept of money so we know his cunt of a mom is teaching him this shit.
DisabledDad ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 13:14:14 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
And this is how Jaime and Cersi got together
thetrueBAUSE ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 14:17:46 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
That's when you say to your sister "YEa that's not what your mom said when I was fu-....wait"
redqueenswrath ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 22:31:59 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Have a four year old, can confirm. She looked at me a few days ago and said "mommy, you're OLD." I'm 26.
TaylorS1986 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 23:09:35 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Ouch.
InaneDugong ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 08:36:50 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
To be fair, I broke my sister's teeth twice before she was old enough to savage me back, so I (reluctantly) deserved the holes she tore in me weekly.
HackingInfo ยท 25 points ยท Posted at 06:53:58 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
When my daughter was 4 she was obsessed with Minecraft. She was mad at me one day and said "Daddy, im going to dig a hole 2 blocks deep, and move your character in there". I kind of laughed because I understood what she meant. She got madder because i was laughing at her and said "Then I'll put lava on top!"
Yea.... It cut pretty deep....
For those that dont know, your character can only jump 1 block high, if its 2 blocks or more, you cannot escape.
Also, lava kills your character if you stay in it too long.
jayhens ยท 22 points ยท Posted at 04:16:03 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Damn. Cold as ice, that kid
sorterofsorts ยท 10 points ยท Posted at 04:53:49 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
You're 4yo is Gilbert Gottfried, lucky-ish.
boose22 ยท 10 points ยท Posted at 05:36:06 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
When my 4 y/o is angry she tells me I wont get to go to work and I will lose my house.
judgejudygarland ยท 7 points ยท Posted at 05:44:01 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Way harsh, Tai.
BuildTheWalls ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 04:58:02 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Damn. Wow, you're clearly doing a hell of a good job raising him, or got some good genes or something. That was masterfully done.
dissectingAAA ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 05:39:48 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
What else has your kid come up with? I have a feeling he has more comebacks.
jethrodsp ยท 55 points ยท Posted at 06:16:59 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Once he told my wife and I: "I'M SELLING THIS HOUSE."
"But where will we live son?"
"WE'RE GONNA LIVE IN A DUMPSTER BUT YOU GOTTA FIND YOUR OWN DUMPSTER BECAUSE YOU CAN'T LIVE IN MY DUMPSTER!"
He also told my wife once that he "couldn't live in this tyranny castle anymore."
His preschool teacher once switched the seats around in his class to which he relied, "How can I learn in this blasphemy!"
So yea.. bright kid but the next 13 years are gonna be a challenge.
manapan ยท 56 points ยท Posted at 06:32:19 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I feel like our kids should hang out. Maybe they can run out some of their savage on each other. Or just teach each other new tricks.
I took my 5 year old to the playground yesterday, where there was a teenage couple making out on the big slide. So he grabbed the biggest stick he could find, ran over to them, jammed the stick in between them, and shouted, "I'LL HAVE NONE OF THIS IN MY KINGDOM!"
SixCrazyMexicans ยท 11 points ยท Posted at 07:11:49 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Wtf that's pure awesomeness lol.
AdamSmithLiberal ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 08:33:44 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Reminds me of Stewie from Family Guy - minus the matricidal obsession, of course.
manapan ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 13:16:31 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Actually, now that you mention it, I did recently catch him hiding under the table with his tablet watching a video titled "10 Most Gruesome Ways Children Killed Their Parents". Bloody hell, my kid is Stewie. I'd always fancied him more of a Calvin.
zombie_JFK ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 08:08:25 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Sounds like Calvin from the Bill Watterson comic
jethrodsp ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:12:51 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Ha! We look at Calvin and Hobbes books a lot!
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:23:19 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
That kid's going to be so far ahead of you by the time he's 10, he won't even consider you and your wife as the same species as him.
jethrodsp ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:33:32 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
He's definitely the same species as my wife!
dissectingAAA ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:26:02 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Haha, yeah, enjoy the angst ridden teenage years.
dontyoulikemyusrname ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 05:01:26 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I don't think I get it?
[deleted] ยท 8 points ยท Posted at 05:43:38 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
The kid is implying that no one would've wanted it anyways (his birthday)
PM_ME_UR_THROW_AWAYS ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 08:00:17 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I still don't think I get it?
[deleted] ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 12:59:40 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Pls
iheartcatsandcoffee ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 05:01:32 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
This one actually made me laugh out loud.
RegretDesi ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 06:56:56 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I don't get it.
xXCurry_In_A_HurryXx ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 07:18:44 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Upvote for the use of degenerates. Reminds me of 4chan threads.
MadameConch ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 06:07:48 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Someday this post is going to be in a retrospective article about your kid, the comedy genius
jethrodsp ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 06:19:17 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
He's a riot man. Very deadpan, dry sense of humor already.
Death_Pig ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 07:21:56 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Kids are fucking savage. Esp the younger ones. Brutal fucking honest.
Source : Have been burnt by my niece. A lot.
PROUDLY_NIGERIAN ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 07:44:08 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Are Donald Trump's father
imrlybord7 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 07:55:49 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
no discernible meaning is best meaning
Blueblackzinc ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 09:34:29 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Fcking brilliant
PremSinha ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 12:52:18 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Could you explain that? I don't get it.
MarcusKilgannon ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 12:59:17 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Swing OP by the burn unit.
newsheriffntown ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 13:32:31 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I like that. Sell your birthday on Ebay. Awesome.
ajax6677 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 13:57:14 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
4 year olds are brutal. Just this morning my son was mad at me and told me he was going to feed my eyeballs to the monsters. Not as clever but still just fricken mean.
ParisGreenGretsch ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 14:19:21 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Man, that's an abstract dig.
Dewphoria ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 14:22:20 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I was wondering how far I'd have to scroll to find the dumbass "guess what my kid did" post.
IcedEmpyre ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:07:01 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
/u/jethrodsp is actually 47. The rest of the birthdays have been sold.
TuathaDeDanaan ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:00:08 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
As I say to my husband when my kid is a smartass with a cutting edge: You made that.
secondsteep ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:20:13 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
The most beautiful part was that he only delivered the knockout blow AFTER you snubbed the initial attempt. He might never have said the last part if the first shot had landed.
Edit: Grammar
bullhocks ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 11:54:03 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Then he's a retard for trying to sell it. I don't think it's particularly savage.
7fingersphil ยท 1875 points ยท Posted at 03:12:14 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
For a brief moment I was 13 years old and I wore size 13 shoes.
In that brief moment of a few weeks the stars aligned and some snotty girl said "act your age not your shoe size"
I was a king that afternoon.
RamsesCaesar ยท 110 points ยท Posted at 07:31:17 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I live in Europe, so acting my shoe size (44) would mean getting a mid life crisis :/
[deleted] ยท 13 points ยท Posted at 08:44:14 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
but that means banging teenage girls and acting like a teenager again
Springheeljac ยท 276 points ยท Posted at 05:47:40 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I wore 18s when I was 13, I hated that phrase.
dangderr ยท 311 points ยท Posted at 06:48:12 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Maybe you should have stopped acting so damn mature then people wouldn't have had to say that to you all the time.
Springheeljac ยท 18 points ยท Posted at 06:50:23 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
We can go with that.
jamiethejoker26 ยท 18 points ยท Posted at 07:10:56 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
"okay then i'll fuck your mom since i'm of age"
Springheeljac ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 16:20:29 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Why would that matter, she's like the school bus, all the kids get a ride eventually.
hopsinduo ยท 28 points ยท Posted at 10:39:04 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
18? What the fuck? Were your parents clowns?
Springheeljac ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 16:18:53 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I was also 6' tall.
TaylorS1986 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 23:18:14 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I know a really tall, big guy who wears size 20 shoes, he has to custom-order them.
AGRS22 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 14:18:17 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Different size metric in different countries
hopsinduo ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 14:25:42 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
What shoe size of 18 would be normal for a 13 year old? Seriously?
AGRS22 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 14:31:52 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I think Japanese size 18 is an US size 11
Springheeljac ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 16:18:39 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I'm American.
hopsinduo ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 15:31:25 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
It's a 12.5. Still not normal for a 13 year old even if this were hypothetically true.
AGRS22 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 15:59:46 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I understand that but we are commenting on a comment of a comment of a guy who affirmed he was using a size 13 at 13 not normal but definitely possible
LeKrizz ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:36:15 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Come to Germany, my shoe size is 48
hopsinduo ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 15:42:53 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
yeah, but if you were to have size 18 it would be mental. Everybody would be "Look at his tiny feet!"
Springheeljac ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:19:06 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
American.
Compton727 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:52:32 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
The best reply ever.
Kalipygia ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 15:45:37 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I'd say don't be such a pushover but as we all know weebles wobble but they don't fall down.
Springheeljac ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:12:57 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
ROFL
Compton727 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 16:50:12 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Just imagining skis for shoes at that point.
Springheeljac ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 00:26:18 on September 18, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
EEEE's, so more like ski shoes.
[deleted] ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 17:06:55 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Sideshow bob?
SummonTheDerp ยท 12 points ยท Posted at 07:07:20 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
From when I was 9 years old to 15 years old, my shoes were the same size as my age.
Shabobi ยท 48 points ยท Posted at 07:16:23 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
You fuckers have some big ass feet.
E101K ยท 52 points ยท Posted at 07:26:28 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
You know what they say about big feet:
Expensive shoes :(
LemonConfetti ยท 24 points ยท Posted at 07:52:08 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Or absurdly limited options, at least for women. Why can't all the pretty shoes come in size 11 too?!
craznazn247 ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 08:03:48 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Overhead
screamingmorgasm ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 13:47:39 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Is having your shoes above your head a common problem for girls?
๐
Pizza_Delivery_Dog ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 11:24:26 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Imo shoes shouldn't be categorised by male and female. Men with small feet and women with big feet have little choice while there are tons of nice unisex shoes that are put in a category based on the size. There still won't be high heels and stuff in large sizes, but at least there would be more options.
adcas ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:08:29 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Women with small feet have the same problem! :( Most of my shoes are a half size too big, and I can never get the really cute Halloween shoes because they're size seven and up.
I'm a six.
[deleted] ยท 21 points ยท Posted at 07:27:26 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Had a friend back in the navy who was 6'6 with a 15 foot.. we went into a store and he leans into me and says, 'watch this.'
He asks the girl if they have 15s of this shoe in the back, and she absolutely flips out, 'hey everyone, come check out the size of thi guys feet' shes comparing her foot, etc
when she went in the back and he looks over at me, 'works every time.'
harveyf-king_bullock ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 09:51:41 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
i don't get it
[deleted] ยท 8 points ยท Posted at 10:01:15 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
its a commonly held wives tale big feet=big dick
Ajaxlancer ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 20:50:22 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
But, I too would just be impressed by the sheer size of foot. Not entirely sure that this story has anything to do with that. The cashier wasn't drooling over the counter.
[deleted] ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 07:27:44 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I wore oversized shoes in middle school. That was around the time my feet stopped growing, but I still assumed I needed bigger shoes than the previous year, because I had always done that... I started buying smaller shoes again in high school.
Given how much people compared shoe size in middle schools, I don't think this was uncommon. It certainly made awkward adolescents look even worse though.
NuHipHopper ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 13:31:01 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
European sizing lol. Its not that big at all.
maran999 ยท 8 points ยท Posted at 07:31:35 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
That wouldn't work in Sweden. In our system, a teenager typically has around 40.
JustClickUpvoteDude ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 08:04:35 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Not only in Sweden,it's generally the EU size.I wear 43 and I'm 15 for example,my friends wear similar
SpecOpBeevee ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 07:41:49 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Same fucking thing happened to me at 14 haha
Zerotoll ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 08:09:58 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I used to feel the same way, but for me it wasn't so brief. I went from 13-17 years old, with size 13-17 shoes (still at 17). I literally went all those years hoping for someone to say that to me, but it never happened :(
aFineMoose ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 08:32:35 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I had size 12 shoes at the age of 12 and waited the better part of a year for someone to say that to me. It didn't happen. You're living a great, enviable life.
7fingersphil ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:21:56 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
It was the highlight of my life for sure.
Denascite ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 09:27:19 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Is that a saying? Never heard that
s0laris0 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 12:57:43 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I would have stopped whatever I was doing, I don't give a shit what it was, taken my shoe off and promptly shoved it in her face before wearing a smug ass grin for the rest of the day. the imagery is amazing. thank you for this.
notsherriseeley ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 14:21:19 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I had ladies 10 in 6th grade. Sucked. Not a big deal now, they always have my size available.
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:17:50 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
that most definitely does not work outside of the USA. at age 16 i wore size 44
AMultiColouredZebra ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:56:10 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
That must have been amazing
Thedisposableman ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:55:24 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
And you said.... I mean I'd guess something along the lines of they're the same dumbass, but I want to know if it was more clever.
7fingersphil ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 21:06:52 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
It was not I literally just propped my foot up pulled the tongue out that had the size pointed to it and said "my age is my shoe size."
Verodoxys ยท 12526 points ยท Posted at 02:06:59 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)*
Admittedly, I was on the receiving end. Credit where credit is due.
I have a type of neuropathy where walking is challenging (and before was very difficult). A few friends and I were discussing Hatred - that mass murderer simulator - after the first controversy developed around it.
One of us said something along the lines of "honestly, people playing that game should be put on a list - after all, people play video games to do things they want to do but can't in real life".
I jokingly say "that must be why [another friend] has so many hours in GTA IV - just so he can have a girlfriend". He comes back - in an instant - "that must be why you play DayZ so much - just so you can fucking walk".
edit: phrasing
edit 2: I'm glad I made someone's day to the point where they gave me gold. Thank you guys!
[deleted] ยท 2439 points ยท Posted at 04:48:14 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
[deleted]
Verodoxys ยท 2123 points ยท Posted at 04:53:26 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I couldn't even be mad at him. It was so perfect. I was awestruck at how perfectly it had been set up.
DeezNeezuts ยท 477 points ยท Posted at 05:34:29 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I'm not surprised you didn't walk out of the room
[deleted] ยท 25 points ยท Posted at 07:08:02 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Got eem.
Verodoxys ยท 13 points ยท Posted at 16:06:53 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
fuck
Flarawr ยท 11 points ยท Posted at 16:12:43 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
He just ended your career all over again.
Thrownaway_4_2_day ยท 9 points ยท Posted at 12:38:48 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Oh. Oh, man.
Dead_Starks ยท 15 points ยท Posted at 05:36:41 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
ZacPensol ยท 35 points ยท Posted at 06:30:59 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
The best bad taste jokes are the ones that even the person at whom it's aimed can appreciate how clever it was and their being impressed trumps any offense they took.
SupMonica ยท 15 points ยท Posted at 06:16:01 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
iaintevenmad.jpg
morbadox ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 06:32:28 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Is it as good as people make it out to be? I'm really looking forward to a console port.
Combustable-Lemons ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 06:51:17 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
DayZ? Stuck in early access hell for eternity
GuyYouSawOnReddit ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 07:46:03 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
But no pay2win airdrops so that's cool
Combustable-Lemons ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 07:51:36 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Are we really considering that a bonus? It's more something that sucks about games that implement it than something that's good about those that don't
GuyYouSawOnReddit ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 08:00:14 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
You're right we shouldn't rate the game based on bad features that other games have.
Speaking of DayZ, I once bought the Arma II mod a long time ago, do I now own the standalone DayZ or is that separate?
Combustable-Lemons ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 08:18:38 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
no?
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 09:19:29 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
The mod was free so no?
GuyYouSawOnReddit ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 14:40:29 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Honestly I don't know so what I remembered was probably buying arma II itself
Whightwolf ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 06:40:15 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Haha the classic 'wait, shit am I your strait man?'
Mundicider ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 07:50:25 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I love you.
spirito_santo ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 11:41:39 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Was with some friends, and we started ribbing each other. One guy says something funny to another guy about the kind of friends he has. He responds with "I don't have friends" and a third guy says "That's right. You mom didn't pay us this month" Everyone laughed.
captworth ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 07:03:38 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
"That hurt so much I can feel it in my toes"
fromtheleftseat ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 08:54:49 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
And that how you know you're good friends.
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 14:19:24 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Yeah, you walked/stumbled right into it!
Yankee_Fever ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:11:35 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Your friends are supposed to talk shit and have witty comebacks. If you ask any of my friends if I am gay, they will all say yes lol
elastic-craptastic ยท 485 points ยท Posted at 05:03:38 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
The best burns are the ones friends can make on friends with medical issues. It's so much funnier than when you have to burn yourself just so a good joke opportunity doesn't go to waste because people don't feel comfortable hitting that low and don't know you well enough.
If the setup is there the joke has to be made.
[deleted] ยท 490 points ยท Posted at 05:29:37 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)*
[deleted]
reddit_crunch ยท 27 points ยท Posted at 07:24:33 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
damn. i hope he was wearing a seatbelt the first time he heard you say that.
[deleted] ยท 31 points ยท Posted at 07:27:51 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)*
[deleted]
reddit_crunch ยท 30 points ยท Posted at 07:52:01 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
i think you possibly misunderstood my comment.
sriley081 ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 20:50:27 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Are you so sure that's a bad thing?
munchies1122 ยท 7 points ยท Posted at 06:52:03 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
๐๐
weinerpug ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 14:52:54 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Oh my god that's beautiful
PmMe_Your_Perky_Nips ยท 7 points ยท Posted at 05:33:34 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I watched Jimmy Carrs Netflix Original: Funny Business last night and he told a story about a Parkinsons joke he made to a friends dad who had Parkinsons. I highly recommend watching the whole thing, as long as you don't get offended easily that is.
[deleted] ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 13:27:03 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I'm native and one of my best friends is Jewish. So instead of medical jokes we make genocide jokes at eachother constantly.
[deleted] ยท 11 points ยท Posted at 04:31:02 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Type 1 diabetic?
Verodoxys ยท 54 points ยท Posted at 04:51:21 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
It's a long story.
My full diagnosis is - and I quote - autoimmune juvenile-onset small-fiber polyneuropathy. This type of neuropathy itself is very rare, let alone in children (I was 12 when symptoms showed up).
The tl;dr of it is that it's an autoimmune disease where my nerves are attacked - not just peripheral nerves, but autonomic ones, too, so I get fun symptoms like passing out when I stand up too quickly and Reynaud's phenomenon (mine isn't as bad as the picture there, but still). Muscle cramping, lack of sweating, little sensation of touch (even up to my hips and shoulders), even psychosis.
All because I got hit particularly hard by a cold. Seriously.
rakust ยท 11 points ยท Posted at 05:10:58 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Well you should've wrapped up
[deleted] ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 19:30:28 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I'm sorry, that sounds pretty tough to live with. Thank you for sharing it, though, I find it very interesting.
Verodoxys ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 23:38:51 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
In all honesty, it's not too bad. I was walking with a cane at 13, but now I'm mostly able to walk, go to school, etc. I certainly don't blame you for being curious.
ThatOneHistoryBuff ยท 10 points ยท Posted at 05:25:44 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Play DayZ with him then shoot both of his legs, whos laughing now?
The_Lone_Noblesse ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 05:33:06 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Then feed him bleach.
ThatOneHistoryBuff ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 08:03:43 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
No, breaking his legs will force him to crawl for hours to the nearest hospital.
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:27:06 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Last time I played it (few months ago) you can get sticks and rags much easier now. No more crawling to the hospital, just crawling around looking for a knife... which you will not find when you need it.
It is a dick move though. If I was feeling extra salty I'd snipe the airfields but only go for maiming shots if I could. I'm a horrible person.
Capt_Gingerbeard ยท 9 points ยท Posted at 05:29:32 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Great job taking that in stride
thellios ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 05:29:20 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Love that you have a good sense of humor about it!
LordShaft666 ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 08:58:44 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
You really walked into that one.
CountDragula ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 11:07:31 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I too, have been on the receiving end. My friends and I were getting piss drunk this one night while listening to music on my phone. This EDM-type song called "Sex 101" played and it was just this chick sexily moaning like no tomorrow with electronic music in the background. A friend suddenly asked "I wonder who sings this song?". Another friend, without hesitation, replied "CountDragula's mom". 7 years later and I still don't have a comeback savage enough to make up for damages done that night.
HeelR- ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 06:02:57 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Bruuhhhhh he done you good without even thinking. He was probably thinking about this joke for a while and waited for the right moment. That's coldd
redeyeddragon ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 07:27:57 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Just cause someone play a game to try things they can't do in real life doesn't mean they secretly want to do it in real life.
Verodoxys ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 16:06:13 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Oh, of course. I disagreed with friendo's hypothesis over there almost immediately. Interestingly enough, I'm pretty sure he has Hatred (we don't talk much anymore).
Blood_Lacrima ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 08:31:20 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Not sure if he's a genius or a fucking cunt lol.
Verodoxys ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 21:52:05 on September 18, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
He's a cunt, but we're all cunts, so he is, comparatively, uncunty.
hyperfat ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 12:54:25 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
You have some good friends. We jab our friend in a chair and people who dont know us think we are evil. He loves it and has the best come backs.
LandmineFrisbee ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 13:12:55 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Not sure if the friend was joking or an idiot.
Verodoxys ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 16:05:18 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I'm reasonably sure he was serious, though he probably doesn't agree with that statement anymore. I think he owns Hatred, actually - we don't talk much anymore but I swear I saw him playing it a few weeks ago.
fugly16 ยท 8 points ยท Posted at 04:24:36 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I UNDERSTOOD THIS REFERENCE!!!
SpAsTiiX ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 08:17:49 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Do you play DayZ Standalone or with a crutch?
NavyBlue8 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 16:49:36 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Lmfaoo bro that's the most amazing comeback I've ever heard
-TurntUp- ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 01:14:19 on September 18, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
This is the mark of a true friend. A real person, not a fake like most of the world we live in
Barghest301 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 07:13:36 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Walking simulator strikes again.
BlackNexus ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:36:51 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Damn, that was absolutely vicious.
Perverted_Manwhore ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:44:02 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Oh I owe thanks for sharing this one.
zombie_JFK ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 06:04:56 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
oh shit. good fucking stuff
FlyOnTheWall4 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 06:11:29 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
get shit on
zaraths ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 06:14:56 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
wow you really took that in your stride.
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 06:20:43 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Fucking hell, eviscerated
shanerz ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 06:23:02 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Ha
SeanMuray ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 06:41:04 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I have a bridge to sell you.
DnDYetti ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 06:42:19 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
HOT DAMN.
TheBadRushin ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 06:45:08 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Run. But holy shit.
Also majority don't play the regular DayZ anymore. We bike now.
Thus_Spoke ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 06:54:46 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Oh man, he's been waiting for you to open that door for a long time.
MinionCommander ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 06:54:54 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
My friends got me a "World's best Grandpa" mug.
I'm 23.
nater245 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 06:59:14 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
As Kelso would say... BURN!
LostPinkDaffodil ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 07:03:18 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
You could say you walked right into that one.
davidmobey ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 07:03:30 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Glad you could take it in strides
Spyrothedragon9972 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 07:13:27 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Good banter.
Yuktobania ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 07:20:10 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Holy shit, the absolute fucking savage
Side note, hatred isn't even a good game. The graphics look like shit and it's just edginess for edginess sake. At least games like Postal cross into so-bad-they're good territory. And in GTA there's at least other shit to do.
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 07:30:56 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
That's a lifetime friend right here if you could laugh it off
5slipsandagully ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 07:31:27 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
You really walked into that one.
rustyleftnut ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 07:40:23 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I wish my friends were half that witty. Damn!
NotNate87 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 07:44:10 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Holy shit. Straight for the neck.
officernasty13 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 07:52:38 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Oh shit I play a lot of dayz and it is just walking hahahha that was a good one
aDAMNPATRIOT ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 08:12:08 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
meh
FurryFredChunks ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 08:35:14 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I do play games because I get to experience other worlds. I recently watched Sword Art Online and I've never connected with something so much. I can't help but feel my life would be absolutely incredible plugged into one of those.
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 09:50:36 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
bruuuutal, love it
Gizmo-Duck ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 10:07:13 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Avatar!
Parintachin ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 10:23:30 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
To your credit Sir. That you can weather such a comment and maintain a sense of humor about it, makes people who take offense at hula girls look very silly.
Ragnrok ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 12:23:28 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Simultaneously burning you and DayZ
PsymonRED ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 12:51:34 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Its only funny because that's all you can do in Dayz
dudehere976 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 13:05:17 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
That is motherless...
DisabledDad ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 13:12:33 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Mortal Kombat voice "Brutality!"
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 13:22:16 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
The exact same shit happened to me!, I don't have anything wrong with me i'm just fat, it was around 2014 GTA V was kinda diying out but was living on it's free DLC so people still played it, and i said "I play GTA to do shit i can't do in real life" (edgy ikr) and someone said "...like run?" and everyone erupted with laughter. (I was salty, made an attempt to track him down, before finding out he went to the same school as me but was significantly older (so i backed the fuck off of course), he has since left i believe)
VerticallyImpaired ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 13:35:53 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Its moments like this with friends where you admit defeat and swear vengeance.
Igaunija ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 14:42:18 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
But but characters in Dayz don't know how to walk.
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:22:58 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Damn.
And nice DayZ reference. Walking Simulator 9000, not even going to lie. I like that game but it's so broken and the devs seem more focused on adding items instead of fixing bugs. I'll play it more when they shift focus to bug fixes.
JustAQuickComment_ ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:14:36 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I don't know, doesn't seem clever to me, only appeal is it's super brutal. Unless there's something about dayZ that walking is more pertinent than some other open world game.
Verodoxys ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:52:31 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
It has a reputation for being mostly walking, even though its primary goal is, you know, surviving against zombies and assholes and stuff.
The map is big, which is almost always a big plus, except that the vehicles that exist are extremely rare and there are very few things to do outside of major population centers (or, at least, what used to be major population centers).
It really is just walking with intermittent survival. Not that I hate it or anything - I do love it.
busty_cannibal ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:40:35 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
THERE'S A MASS MURDER SIMULATOR?!
cozypineapple ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 20:30:00 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Holy shit. This is gold.
20MD20 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:12:41 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Yea but low hanging fruit
It's like someone making a fat joke, it's an easy come back. But the dayZ addition makes it sorta great
conker2021 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:23:03 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I had DayZ open on my second screen as I read this...
CrustyGoon ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:35:12 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
OH MY GOD.............. NO FUCKING. NO FUUUUUUUUUUCKING WAY
iButtle ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:11:22 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
LMAO so savage!
vmoppy ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:13:30 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Jaw literally dropped. That's savage!
xRoisinDubh ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:23:18 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Boom roasted.
Solid_Jack ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:57:13 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Jeeesus H Dicks. Roasted.
detroitvelvetslim ยท 18475 points ยท Posted at 20:24:14 on September 16, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
When Tavaris Jackson, former Seahawks QB and overall mediocre player pulled a gun on his ex wife this summer she literally said
"You better be accurate because you sure ain't on the field"
NO REGARD FOR HUMAN LIFE
UnctuousObliquity ยท 2021 points ยท Posted at 00:25:46 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Shots fired?
[deleted] ยท 663 points ยท Posted at 00:50:40 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)*
[deleted]
insultant_ ยท 87 points ยท Posted at 00:56:24 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Brap brap
Rowan5215 ยท 44 points ยท Posted at 02:21:10 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
it's a
boybortedLupin_AAGL ยท 23 points ยท Posted at 03:27:00 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Sextina Aquafinaaaaaa
MTNVINNY ยท 22 points ยท Posted at 02:03:00 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
As a famous Viner once said, "gratata, I'll fuck yo bitch." Truly words to live by.
Vietredneck ยท 13 points ยท Posted at 02:03:22 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Brrrrrrrrap brrrrrrrrrrrrrrap
NNJAxKira ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 02:21:09 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Y.V.?
pyromaniacaardvark ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:41:49 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
/r/nuclearthrone is leaking
kungfusansu ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 02:10:49 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Gratata
sour_cereal ยท 7 points ยท Posted at 06:00:26 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I hope and pray to God my fetus has a soul because I want it to feel pain when I eject from my hole
frzferdinand72 ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 02:27:01 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Pay me what you owe me
meonmypotato ยท 7 points ยท Posted at 01:02:40 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I bet you hold your gun sideways too.
Pete26196 ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 03:05:10 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
But did they hit?
trabeatingchips ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 04:46:48 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
21 21 21
sadmadmen ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 05:35:28 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
BERRRRRRRRRT
[deleted] ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 05:38:14 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
blip blip
8oD ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 06:45:17 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
throw throw throw
Tauposaurus ยท 14 points ยท Posted at 03:37:45 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Thankfully none connected.
stevenj27 ยท 9 points ยท Posted at 02:27:44 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Still missed
trichofobia ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 02:55:52 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Yeah, but he missed.
pancholibre ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 03:40:00 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
He'd hit the person next to her
nnaarr ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 01:45:46 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
many missed
TommyHate ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:40:13 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
No shots fired, he couldn't hit the trigger.
CommentsRarely ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:44:56 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
And missed...
hangtime79 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 04:14:14 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
No, shots misfired!
paaaarrp ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 06:20:56 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Stormtrooper style
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 09:49:14 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Shot over, shot out.
RiverwoodHood ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 02:47:39 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
/r/retiredphrases?
MajorTrump ยท 3624 points ยท Posted at 23:00:04 on September 16, 2016 ยท (Permalink)*
Mediocre is too high of a rating. -Vikings fan
Quakerlock ยท 398 points ยท Posted at 02:15:35 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Skol
FreaknShrooms ยท 19 points ยท Posted at 05:26:20 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Skรฅl*
If you want to be a real viking. ;)
[deleted] ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 07:52:13 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Jรคttebra. Jag trodde inte att jag skulle kunna anvรคnda mitt svensk.
Quakerlock ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 12:02:53 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
If we want to get all technical. ;)
Raxton ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 04:23:31 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Percentage wise he's literally one of the best humans to ever do his job.
tatertot255 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 12:12:09 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Wide left
Chrizzlechip ยท -31 points ยท Posted at 03:47:37 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
You people are the worst, enjoy the loss sunday
Bisping ยท 16 points ยท Posted at 04:19:51 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
What do you mean you people?
illmatic708 ยท 9 points ยท Posted at 04:50:14 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
What do YOU mean 'you people'?
Mechanical_Nerd ยท 10 points ยท Posted at 04:53:16 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I know who I am, I'm just the dude, playing the dude disguised as another dude.
blindfremen ยท 16 points ยท Posted at 04:49:46 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
That's funny, coming from a bandwagon Packer fan who probably doesn't even live in Wisconsin (aka Alabama North).
TommyHate ยท 54 points ยท Posted at 02:39:24 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Seahawks fan here, Vikings fan is correct.
[deleted] ยท 27 points ยท Posted at 03:43:14 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)*
[deleted]
[deleted] ยท 8 points ยท Posted at 06:33:05 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Cardinals fan here. I passionately love Green Bay, as a playoff opponent.
WhenTheBeatKICK ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 13:35:35 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
just woke up and had to read that :(
[deleted] ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 04:47:59 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Also a Green Bay fan, can't deny that. Also agree.
dankblazak ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 05:32:58 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
huge fan here, is anybody sweaty?
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:38:29 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
With excitement for Sundays game @Minnesota. Gotta win the division opener.
TortoiseWrath ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 03:05:26 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I thought he was ok
vikesfanben28 ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 03:11:36 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I was good with him in madden but that's about it.
TommyHate ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 03:34:15 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Do you want the potential Quarterback of your team to be "ok"?
TortoiseWrath ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 03:35:23 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I would rather he be ok than below mediocre.
TommyHate ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:49:30 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)*
I'd rather have a "good" backup QB
TortoiseWrath ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:50:27 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Yeah but sometimes that isn't an option.
TommyHate ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 04:03:41 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
There's enough veteran QBs without work out there who would be better.
TortoiseWrath ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 04:05:48 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
OK? I never said I wanted him as our backup. Just that he was ok
TommyHate ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 04:09:05 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I'll put it this way, I would love to have him as the opposing teams QB!
klethra ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 06:38:48 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
At this point, I'd settle for okay
t. Minnesotan.
SixSpeedDriver ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 06:02:59 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Season ticket holder. I describe it as "I survived the Tavaris Jackson years!"
leadCactus ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 20:24:46 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
But we had to survive the Jackson years, the Ponder years, the Cassel years, and right when we start enjoying Teddy, Sam Bradford is thrust upon us.
SixSpeedDriver ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:01:31 on September 18, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
And didn't they straight bench him?
leadCactus ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:02:10 on September 18, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Bench who?
SixSpeedDriver ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:05:33 on September 18, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Bradford
leadCactus ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:18:56 on September 18, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
He didn't start week 1 because he was just traded for and didn't know the playbook yet. He's still learning the playbook but he's slated to start tomorrow night
SixSpeedDriver ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 15:54:18 on September 18, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Have fun with that!
PS - What's with the "wide left" kicking out there?
[deleted] ยท 20 points ยท Posted at 02:02:30 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Coin flip captain legend though.
picfuturo ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 09:41:07 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
GOAT
TheGenocides ยท 14 points ยท Posted at 03:50:08 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Minnesotans, UNITE!
NotKevinJames ยท 22 points ยท Posted at 05:40:08 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Tator Tot Hotdish Road Construction Ice Fishing Some Good Walleye Up In them Boundary Waters Oh Fer Cute Put Your Hockey Skates Away and Clean Your Room or no Nintendo Kiddo No Joke Yah I-94 Garrison Keillor Trees
CaptainJingles ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 06:18:45 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
The use of "hotdish" was enough evidence for me.
jsonn ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 14:46:09 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
What's a hot dish
CaptainJingles ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 14:55:25 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Casserole. Up in Minnesota they are called a "hotdish" and they are central to life and social gatherings (at least they were when l was a kid)
[deleted] ยท 9 points ยท Posted at 02:46:18 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Christian ponder-esque is the phrase that comes to mind.
MajorTrump ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 03:35:01 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
worse, actually
SixSpeedDriver ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 06:03:39 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Yeah, Ponder had upside
[deleted] ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 07:53:07 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
That he can only ponder using
dkuhry ยท 12 points ยท Posted at 01:21:36 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
The eternal rebuilding year.
JarlaxleForPresident ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 04:55:31 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
God that would suck. I'm glad my team has been at least good since i started watching football.
My cousin's a Cubs fan and I have a friend who's a Browns fan. Seems like masochism.
BarelyOriginal ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:50:02 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
when was Tavaris Jackson on the seahawks?
TortoiseWrath ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 03:02:23 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
2011 as the starter and 2013-2015 as RW's backup
BarelyOriginal ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:05:34 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Was that the year they won the division at 7-9?
SixSpeedDriver ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 06:05:05 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Checkdown Charlie Whitehurst (aka Clipboard Jesus) won us the 7th game, over the Rams, who would have gotten in to the playoffs with the same record.
The following week? The best Playoff run ever to happen in the NFL. Was at both games and was part of that Beastquake!
konydanza ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 07:04:58 on September 18, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Darren Sharper HOLD MAH DIIIIICK!
TortoiseWrath ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:09:22 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
No, that was 2010 with Hasselbeck at QB
BarelyOriginal ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:10:53 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I have no memory of these events, but I'm pretty much a casual pats fan
cgi_bin_laden ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 04:17:00 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
T-Jackass. Good riddance.
Skol!
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 04:17:10 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
"They will do good this year!" - Vikings fans, every year.
guardsanswer ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 04:30:04 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
He was great in Madden though. Super fast and had a decent arm
togu12 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 04:49:54 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Still better than Josh Freeman was...
shudders
frankles ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 04:52:35 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Seconded. Or, in terms of upvotes, one-thousand thirtiethed.
bpi89 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 04:55:20 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I thought mediocre was measured to the left?
stabbitystyle ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:24:05 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
He was a good backup, tho. Not a starter but I'd definitely rather have him over a fair number of players making rounds around the league. He's no Case Keenum or Charlie Whitehurst.
Let_It_Sano ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:31:11 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Man why are people always disrespecting the jump pass! It won him a Super Bowl!
neums08 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 06:03:25 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
We've got a solid monopoly on mediocrity here in Minnesota.
leftysarepeople2 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 06:15:31 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Would you rather have at QB:
Joe Webb or Tjax?
MajorTrump ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 06:16:54 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Webb. Dude wasn't a great quarterback, but he was at least a great athlete. You can do more with that than an idiot who can throw it far.
adderall12 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 06:25:40 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
But he had that 99 coin flip rating.
HipDeepInThatPepto ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 06:52:13 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Skol. ftp
Cheefnuggs ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 06:58:47 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Nah, as a Seahawks fan, we agree. He's a shit QB. Anyone who would rather have him over Boykin are lying to themselves. I'd rather have a rookie with something to prove than Jackson any day.
redditready1986 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 07:34:45 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Its not. Technicly its about the Vikings, are less than mediocre.
MajorTrump ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 07:44:48 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
No, it's about calling T-jack mediocre being too high praise.
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 08:37:32 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Downvoted for that edit
MajorTrump ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 08:43:25 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
You right
Monkeysplish ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 14:42:22 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Somehow the Tarvaris Jackson (autocorrect prefers "Tartarus", may be onto something there) to Troy Williamson combo didn't end up an offensive juggernaut. Some hard years for the fans.
MajorTrump ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 20:19:08 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Funny how one can't throw and one can't catch, but we thought they would be great players.
lordhellion ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:15:57 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
And if ANYONE knows mediocre, it's a Viking fan...
jshrlzwrld02 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:55:26 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
But how many rings does he have? ๐
TortoiseWrath ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 03:05:15 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
One, just like Vikings legend Brett Favre
[deleted] ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 04:46:31 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Could say the same about teddy
MajorTrump ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:04:23 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
No?
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:50:17 on September 19, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
https://www.reddit.com/r/nfl/comments/53hbun/sam_bradford_1212_passer_rating_in_min_debut_in/
lel
[deleted] ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 13:55:39 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Yup.
-Champloo- ยท -4 points ยท Posted at 01:42:53 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
You could say he's wide left on the standard deviation curve
TortoiseWrath ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 03:04:05 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
1/10 concept, 0/10 execution
[deleted] ยท 666 points ยท Posted at 02:20:47 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Damn, I hope if I ever have a gun pointed on me I won't give enough fucks to say something cool before it killed
JarlaxleForPresident ยท 54 points ยท Posted at 04:57:30 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Getting a gun pointed at you does seem like one of those situations where you should have a lot of fucks
It's always sad when i read an article where someone's last words were "Do it."
GrammarBeImportant ยท 97 points ยท Posted at 06:04:44 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
"what are you gonna do, stab me?"
-man who got stabbed
AgentChris101 ยท -3 points ยท Posted at 06:28:05 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I understood that reference
DuckTub ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 12:57:43 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Yes, that one reference from that one time that someone got stabbed
mandyrooba ยท 8 points ยท Posted at 05:11:39 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
How often does that happen to you?
JarlaxleForPresident ยท 15 points ยท Posted at 05:25:23 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
It's happened once and I was scared as shit. Looking into a barrel is no time to be nonchalant.
ijk1 ยท 8 points ยท Posted at 05:28:22 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
NBD, just double-thrust low and there's no way they can counter
JarlaxleForPresident ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 05:33:25 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
The V downslash could probably beat it
ijk1 ยท 9 points ยท Posted at 05:35:47 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
That's when you shoot them in the face
Flyingwheelbarrow ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 13:54:37 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Yeah I have found having a stranger place a barrel against my temple makes me super fucking polite and compliant.
A-MinorBish ยท 7 points ยท Posted at 14:37:11 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I watched a video of a dude who caught his girlfriend cheating with another dude, he soon realized that the guy had a gun and instead of just chilling out and keeping a calm head, he replied "you're not gonna shoot me" and was clearly riling him up. He ended up getting shot and the first words he said (after the screaming) was "I didn't do anything".
Point is that giving no fucks and having no awareness of the situation will most likely lead to violence
[deleted] ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 14:45:10 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
[deleted]
A-MinorBish ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 14:52:10 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Yeah he did.
[deleted] ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 06:19:38 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Eh if I'm getting shot anyways might as well make the shooter feel like a dweeb
OtakuMecha ยท 14 points ยท Posted at 07:18:15 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
But the thing is you aren't "getting shot anyway". If you try to de-escalate the situation rather than antagonize them there's a chance they won't set off on you and choose to fire.
Flyingwheelbarrow ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 13:57:29 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I agree. I have had handguns pulled on me twice. Both times they let me go after I complied. Guns are usually used as tools of intimidation and personally there is nothing I own that is worth my life. Also I used to hunt and I know how much damage a bullet actually does.
CashCop ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 13:44:46 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
"Do it. You won't, no balls."
canadian-explorer ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 13:59:14 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Fuck that, I'm not going to beg.
kittymcmeowmeow ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:57:56 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I honestly don't care what happens to me now. Shoot me or dont. Get it over with or leave me alone
SkyezOpen ยท 16 points ยท Posted at 05:54:31 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
"What're you going to do, shoot me?"
-/u/DrGrizzlyBear, moments before being shot.
MY_CATS_ANUS ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 07:28:50 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I had a guy pull a gun on me in traffic, while his windows were rolled up. Mind you he's driving a pretty nice new car and there's no way he's just going to fuck it up by shooting the window out. I just laughed a little and shrugged, sure enough he just drove away without doing a thing.
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 13:51:37 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Ever shot a gun in a car? It hurts.
[deleted] ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 07:02:45 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
[deleted]
Kahandran ยท 9 points ยท Posted at 07:26:00 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I think he cut it short intentionally to make it seem as though he died to a
HippieKillerHoeDown ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 06:10:26 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
see, no, antagonizing the fucker might ensure you don't live, unless you're Bond or something, just trying to break his concentration....
chuckymcgee ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 06:50:25 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Or the killer is sadistic and wants to see you scared and begging. By remaining bold to the final moment you deny him that satisfaction. It may be enough to stall and buy yourself some more time.
Or y'know, take a bullet.
[deleted] ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 06:28:03 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Yolo
Malcheon ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 06:37:11 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-2520191/Last-words-Texas-student-Cameron-Redus-shot-dead-college-cop.html
I cant find the one where dude yells, what are ya going to do, shoot me? Then gets shot.
KingAstros ยท 7 points ยท Posted at 07:36:24 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I think that was a stabbing
[deleted] ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 07:57:18 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Nope
Totaltrufas ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 06:31:47 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Won't know till we try it!
pixelprophet ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 06:32:52 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
"What'cha going to do, stab me?"
mcguire ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 13:19:41 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Pro tip: keep it short.
itachifan035 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 13:32:05 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Son, you gotta be so savage that you're not the one that the gun kills.
BlooFlea ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 14:06:29 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I hope i have plenty of fucks and say whatever doesnt get me shot.
Throwawayandsailaway ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 14:14:45 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Having had a gun pulled on me and stuck in my face, I can tell you from experience you'll be lucky to speak anything let alone get a quip out
nickelfldn ยท 33 points ยท Posted at 03:43:37 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Hey now that's Super Bowl winning Quarterback Tavaris Jackson.
konydanza ยท 42 points ยท Posted at 03:53:06 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Super Bowl winning
Quarterbackbenchwarmer Tarvaris Jacksonnickelfldn ยท 17 points ยท Posted at 03:53:51 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
He came in for the 4th quarter.
konydanza ยท 25 points ยท Posted at 03:55:22 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Well yeah, it was a blowout by then. They could have put Janet Jackson in at QB and the game wouldn't have been any different.
Plowbeast ยท 25 points ยท Posted at 04:33:03 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Yeah but the other team would've gotten to see a nipple.
bakersdozen13 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 04:17:42 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
They should have.
mixologyst ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 07:05:48 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Shit, even Michael Jackson...
tarants ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 05:43:03 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
He played most of the 4th quarter in the Super Bowl. Not often you see a team sit their starters in the championship.
APsWhoopinRoom ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 06:44:38 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Actually, he was an all-pro coin toss wizard
bOhsohard ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:09:37 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
He actually played in the SB
notcoconutsparks ยท 290 points ยท Posted at 22:58:31 on September 16, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
that roast though
Just downright cruel as his accuracy on the field
[deleted] ยท 19 points ยท Posted at 00:55:17 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Did he kill her?
just_some_Fred ยท 43 points ยท Posted at 04:17:13 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
You've obviously never seen Tarvaris Jackson attempt to hit his target.
XtremelyNiceRedditor ยท 75 points ยท Posted at 03:08:16 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Nope, he was dead by then
happy_felix_day_34 ยท 9 points ยท Posted at 01:36:54 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
He was pretty accurate on coin toss guessing though.
fuck-dat-shit-up ยท 7 points ยท Posted at 03:50:22 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I NEED A LINK! This story sounds amazing.
PlusMinus0o ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 16:16:46 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
http://nesn.com/2016/06/tarvaris-jacksons-wife-taunted-him-after-he-pulled-a-gun-on-her-police-say/
GlockgirLCR21 ยท 14 points ยท Posted at 03:34:31 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Didn't Tavaris Jackson still make millions of dollars for being a mediocre player?
Being terrible yet converting that into millions...you could never get me off my high horse no matter how savage your words lol
cargasm66 ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 05:04:03 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Greatest OT coin tosser in franchise history.
TA08130813 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 09:53:54 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Nfl history
obliterayte ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 03:57:23 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I mean... he was a terrific college player so I don't think anyone can call him bad. That was back before Sam Bradford forced them to change the rules and rookies made bank. They paid Tavares before he ever took a snap, just like bradford.
JarlaxleForPresident ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 04:59:24 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I don't think being even mediocre in the nfl is very easy. There's 32 starting nfl qb jobs and you always see stinkers. It must be hard as fuck
Romo still has a job and he's always getting hurt and hasnt done much. The hiring pool must be awfully low
GlockgirLCR21 ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 05:57:47 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Yeah, but that's because Romo is a dual threat. You have to worry about both his drives into the end zone or onto the putting green.
notmyrealname23 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 05:55:17 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Andy Dalton where you at
[deleted] ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 06:26:31 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Romo also has a winning record in games he has actually started at QB by a good margin, is statistically the best 4th quarter QB in the NFL, and has put up insane stats with shitty talent around him.
I actually hate the cowboys but I always use Romo to judge people on how much they actually know about football.
JarlaxleForPresident ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 06:33:14 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
When's the last time the Cowboys were even in an NFC Championship game? I'm literally saying the job is hard and not many people can do it. The fact that Romo is still around means he gets paid millions to maybe get a couple playoff wins in his career.
I don't know his stats, I'm more focused on college football, honestly.
[deleted] ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 07:27:33 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Judging a QB by his post season career isn't a good benchmark. Marino is considered a GOAT and never did much. He gets paid millions because he does his job and he does it well. He has played with teams way worse than his talent level for almost his whole career and has won a lot of games.
Personally I think Jerry Jones needs to stop playing owner, president, and GM and let someone with real football knowledge make personnel decisions.
JarlaxleForPresident ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 07:37:52 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I think we're kinda agreeing with each other lol
If you're one of 32 people in the entire world then you're obviously exceptional just by the definition of the word
There's nba players who miss free throws and still get paid bank.
Being at that level is harder than most shit-talkers can ever conceive. It has to be.
GoodLuckLetsFuck ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 03:22:17 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
He did give us this though
dtsyk ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 02:09:55 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Must have been like this all over again.
Datkif ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 03:55:24 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Somebody Better call the morgue
WuahLani ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 04:38:11 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
shots fired
TheBlindest ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 04:38:54 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
You don't have shit on his win loss ratio in OT coin flips
jrod880 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 04:40:05 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I bet he ended up missing at the end of that altercation.
FUCKSTORM420 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 04:44:53 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Coin toss GOAT
812many ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 05:01:11 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
He the flipped a coin, "Heads I kill you, tails you die!"
TheElusiveGoose10 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:30:01 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Fuck!
youngsaiyan ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 04:38:13 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I was a big Tavaris fan for no reason. Maybe cause he wore a dope chain.
Ycjcyad ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 04:42:38 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Really????? LOL that's awesome
2hoodrich4me ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 04:47:04 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I heard you did a feature with jay to the ROC sayin?
detroitvelvetslim ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 05:03:14 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Dawg I was just getting changed!
2hoodrich4me ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:07:02 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Got a white kitty, brown, and tabby too and a big orange guy who puts snakes in my shoes! Mad MC skills leave me strut, and i roll with my kitties and im hard as fuck!
๐๏ธ Koean ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:04:55 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Ouch, did he shoot?
SirRogers ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:10:48 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Man, I felt the heat from that all the way over here
supremeMilo ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:13:56 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
โ Not REKT โ REKT โ Really Rekt โ REKTangle โ SHREKT โ REKT-it Ralph โ Total REKTall โ The Lord of the REKT โ The Usual SusREKTs โ North by NorthREKT โ REKT to the Future โ Once Upon a Time in the REKT โ Full mast erektion โ Rektum โ Resurrekt โ CorRekt โ Indirekt โ Tyrannosaurus Rekt โ Cash4Rekt.com โ Grapes of Rekt โ Ship Rekt โ Rekt markes the spot โ Caught rekt handed โ The Rekt Side Story โ Singin' In The Rekt โ Painting The Roses Rekt โ Rekt Van Winkle โ Parks and Rekt โ Lord of the Rekts: The Reking of the King โ Star Trekt โ The Rekt Prince of Bel-Air โ A Game of Rekt โ Rektflix โ Rekt it like it's hot โ RektBox 360 โ The Rekt-men โ School Of Rekt โ I am Fire, I am Rekt โ Rekt and Roll โ Professor Rekt โ Catcher in the Rekt โ Rekt-22 โ Harry Potter: The Half-Rekt Prince โ Great Rektspectations โ Paper Scissors Rekt โ RektCraft โ Grand Rekt Auto V โ Call of Rekt: Modern Reking 2 โ Legend Of Zelda: Ocarina of Rekt โ Rekt It Ralph โ Left 4 Rekt โ www.rekkit.com โ Pokemon: Fire Rekt โ The Shawshank Rektemption โ The Rektfather โ The Rekt Knight โ Fiddler on the Rekt โ The Rekt Files โ The Good, the Bad, and The Rekt โ Forrekt Gump โ The Silence of the Rekts โ The Green Rekt โ Gladirekt โ Spirekted Away โ Terminator 2: Rektment Day โ The Rekt Knight Rises โ The Rekt King โ REKT-E โ Citizen Rekt โ Requiem for a Rekt โ REKT TO REKT ass to ass โ Star Wars: Episode VI - Return of the Rekt โ Braverekt โ Batrekt Begins โ 2001: A Rekt Odyssey โ The Wolf of Rekt Street โ Rekt's Labyrinth โ 12 Years a Rekt โ Gravirekt โ Finding Rekt โ The Arekters โ There Will Be Rekt โ Christopher Rektellston โ Hachi: A Rekt Tale โ The Rekt Ultimatum โ Shrekt โ Rektal Exam โ Rektium for a Dream โ Erektile Dysfunction
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:15:53 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
[deleted]
detroitvelvetslim ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:16:44 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Why would he expect to hit anything?
WolverineJamesLogan ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:39:53 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Can't talk. Body engulfed in flames
youKnowImRightBitch ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:49:12 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
That was pathetic
OhSoSavvy ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:52:33 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Including her own
n3kr0m4nt1x ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:52:34 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Savage AF. This bitch got eternal balls.
lhedn ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 06:04:16 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
"What are you gonna do? Shoot Me?"
TarvarisJacksonOoooh ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 06:10:21 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Fuck really? I had no idea he did that till now....shit...
dondox ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 06:22:03 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
But man could he call that coin flip.
nothingmore19 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 06:26:11 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Savage as FUCK
zondwich ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 06:31:00 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Dude. Her picture is right next to the word "Savage AF" in the dictionary.
bulletfastspeed ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 06:39:44 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Keep on tryin. You've no right.
APsWhoopinRoom ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 06:43:54 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
He was a coin flip wizard though
Gambit215 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 06:55:13 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
The fact that she's still alive is the miracle here ladies and gentlemen, most guys would have let off after hearing that shit...
PM_ME_YOUR_OWN_BOOBS ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 07:12:27 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
damn
is he ok?
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 07:18:03 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
How did I miss that happening? Subscribed to NFL and vikings subreddits
tyrionlannister ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 07:18:39 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
So, uh, what was his comeback?
Guybrush_Bluebeard ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 07:23:29 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I'll never forget when he got choked slammed.
Oprahs_snatch ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 07:53:43 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I need so many more up votes.
RQK1996 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 09:03:52 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
reminds me of a dutch resentence fighter from WWII, she was a notorious executioner to the Germans, when she was finally caught she was executed and story goes that the first pistol shot missed and her last words were apparently: if I shot I would have hit, after that she was shot by iirc 5 machine guns, she was the only one to be executed
baevar ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 09:32:56 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Women slams are the best, coldhearted, calculated, it's often over in one with everyone like "Daaaaaamn" Whereas male slams are usually (not always of course) a pissing contest. "Oh yeah? well at least I'm not fat." "At least I drive a nicer care than you can afford"
Smigg_e ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 09:38:20 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Whaaaaaaaaaaat????? I didn't even hear about that. T jack is a nice guy what the hell?
wapproval ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 09:43:17 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Where did you hear/see this?
kafros ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 10:23:32 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Witness me!
Ah... mediocre
BoonesFarmGrape ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 10:56:24 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
unless this is on camera I really have trouble believing this
Dragonrooster ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 11:39:21 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
And here he thought he was the one to do the killing
5HITCOMBO ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 11:40:59 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
S A V A G E
AIWHilton ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 11:46:08 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Wow, she hit him harder than Chris Clemons.
daggarz ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 13:07:19 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I would think she verbally said it
hoogar33 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 13:48:36 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
OR THE BLOOD SPILLED
someone please get this reference
rainbird3 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 14:22:32 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
correct me if I'm wrong but wasn't this post on Reddit with this comment also being the top comment?
smuffleupagus ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 14:46:10 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Damn girl
Daaaaaamn
Disproves ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:16:38 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
As long as he didn't sit during the national anthem.
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:48:45 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Florida comes through again.
Berton_Guster_Voice ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:46:35 on September 18, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
this is not that great of a burn, and not really a comeback either
291837120 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:40:40 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
This kills the career.
teh_tg ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 04:33:11 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
"Ain't" and "Tavaris" helps me picture the people better.
razorbackgeek ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 04:34:52 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Can vouch for this, when he played here, at Arkansas, I saw him in person, during warmups, and he couldn't hit the broadside of barn.
[deleted] ยท -52 points ยท Posted at 00:51:08 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
[removed]
[deleted] ยท -38 points ยท Posted at 01:40:23 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
[removed]
[deleted] ยท 14 points ยท Posted at 01:44:38 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
[removed]
[deleted] ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 03:08:50 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
[removed]
[deleted] ยท 11808 points ยท Posted at 21:23:27 on September 16, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
My friend asked our teacher "In 20 years, when you see me at our reunion, what will you say to me?"
She replied, "how was prison?"
Hunny_Bunny20 ยท 5178 points ยท Posted at 23:20:47 on September 16, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Couple years ago I went to my high school to visit some teachers.
Teacher: So how are you and (boyfriend)?
Me: Oh he broke up with me a couple months after he left for college.
Teacher: Oh, did he leave you for another guy?
Haha I was shocked and laughed so hard.
Warhawk137 ยท 1092 points ยท Posted at 23:51:59 on September 16, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
.....well, did he?
Hunny_Bunny20 ยท 720 points ยท Posted at 00:03:38 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
He was a liar so honestly I don't know. He could have? He said he isn't interested in guys but meh he could. I won't judge.
Warhawk137 ยท 86 points ยท Posted at 01:10:32 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Hey, no judging, just wanted to know if the teacher was right.
SickNDick ยท 25 points ยท Posted at 03:04:16 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
And why it was so funny if he isn't a homo.
[deleted] ยท -1 points ยท Posted at 05:50:24 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
[deleted]
nomogoodnames ยท 9 points ยท Posted at 06:19:13 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I don't get it, I assume the teacher is insulting her (?) by saying "another guy" as though she looks like a man.
I didn't read it as "Did he decide to leave you to date dudes?"
[deleted] ยท 7 points ยท Posted at 07:14:10 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I don't think 'another guy' implies she looks like a man. The 'another' is in relation to the boyfriend.
The teacher is just saying that she thinks the boyfriend acts kinda gay.
Hunny_Bunny20 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 16:33:16 on September 19, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
You're correct. I should have mentioned that it was a joke between people (and apparently teachers) they thought he was gay because he would wear such bright colored clothes but it's because he loves colors. He didn't subject himself to dark clothes just because that's what all the other guys did. I am quite girly and he wore just as much or even brighter of clothing than I did. They always thought he was gay and I was just his mask.
nomogoodnames ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 16:17:39 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
But, if he were to be getting another boyfriend, that would mean he had a boyfriend previously. I could assume this means OP is a boy, but then this would just be a plain statement of fact.
I understand what you mean, but I guess I would say "He left you to get his own boyfriend" if that was what I meant. So instead I am living with this mental image of OP never having realized, she was the one insulted.
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:09:16 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
She didn't say another boyfriend, she said another guy.
lenhart3 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 07:03:10 on September 18, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
oh actually i read it again and another guy might mean she looks like a dude my bad
Hunny_Bunny20 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 16:33:29 on September 19, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Everyone else has it right. I should have mentioned that it was a joke between people (and apparently teachers) they thought he was gay because he would wear such bright colored clothes but it's because he loves colors. He didn't subject himself to dark clothes just because that's what all the other guys did. I am quite girly and he wore just as much or even brighter of clothing than I did. They always thought he was gay and I was just his mask.
Hunny_Bunny20 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:17:03 on September 19, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Everyone else has it right. I should have mentioned that it was a joke between people (and apparently teachers) they thought he was gay because he would wear such bright colored clothes but it's because he loves colors. He didn't subject himself to dark clothes just because that's what all the other guys did. I am quite girly and he wore just as much or even brighter of clothing than I did. They always thought he was gay and I was just his mask.
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 04:55:02 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Of course he was
2fly2hyde ยท 28 points ยท Posted at 02:31:48 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Sounds strange to me. If a guy ever has to actually tell people he isn't interested in guys, that raises questions. 99% of genuinely straight guys never have to make that statement. Unless it's to a gay guy trying to pick them up.
splittybus ยท 22 points ยท Posted at 03:13:44 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Maybe the teaxher was implying she was quite attractive, so he must have been gay.
Hunny_Bunny20 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 16:34:58 on September 19, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I should have mentioned that it was a joke between people (and apparently teachers) they thought he was gay because he would wear such bright colored clothes but it's because he loves colors. He didn't subject himself to dark clothes just because that's what all the other guys did. I am quite girly and he wore just as much or even brighter of clothing than I did. They always thought he was gay and I was just his mask.
sallythatgrill ยท 15 points ยท Posted at 03:22:20 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I'm not the most manliest guy and I lived in a town mostly of Hispanic people so I'd be asked if I was gay by a lot of people and had to say I wasn't.
Hymental ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 10:03:27 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
People I work with always assume I'm gay because I hit in anyone and everyone for the sake of entertaining myself.
One butch lesbian cook at my old job actually said "I thought you were gay when I started here. It's probably because you're metrosexual."
Which is odd. Because I'm not.
powermapler ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 04:12:10 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
What does your town being mostly Hispanic have to do with anything?
sallythatgrill ยท 17 points ยท Posted at 05:23:03 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
It's like a mancho thing with Hispanic people
Princess-Rufflebutt ยท 12 points ยท Posted at 04:16:24 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Cultural differences most likely
Jayayewhy ยท 10 points ยท Posted at 06:09:34 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
It has been my experience that ethnic minorities have more traditional gender expectations than mainstream white culture. The black vote was huge in denying gay marriage in California a couple of years back. It might be uncomfortable to discuss, but I think black and Hispanic men would agree with me. I grew up in Northwest Indiana which is pretty culturally diverse. Lots of different ethnicities. In my experience, the above poster makes a valid point in mentioning his town is mostly hispanic. 99 percent of straight guys probably don't have their sexuality questioned in white areas. In more diverse areas people will wonder if you are gay or something is wrong with you if you are single.
[deleted] ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 04:53:53 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Possibly a lot.
boutros_gadfly ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 08:08:37 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I've had my shhhiiiit puuushhed
HippieKillerHoeDown ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 06:07:34 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I've known that type, ain't saying you are, but who hasn't known an aquaintance you assumed was gay and later he introduces you to his wife and his three kids? Stereotypes exist for a reason but they are far from facts.
2fly2hyde ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 04:32:23 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Interesting
hopswage ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 04:21:21 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I'm not interested in guysโฆ usually.
2fly2hyde ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 04:32:47 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Exactly
hopswage ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 04:41:50 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Gimme some 2C-B and a bottle of Rush, thoughโฆ
Mapex_proM ยท 8 points ยท Posted at 04:18:33 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Wait what? I'm pretty straight but I've been asked if I was gay before. Plenty of times.
2fly2hyde ยท 9 points ยท Posted at 04:32:35 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Pretty straight?
EdibleVelvet ยท 9 points ยท Posted at 05:31:09 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
He's be pretty if he was gay, too.
lordumoh ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:04:59 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Pretty "straight"
HippieKillerHoeDown ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 06:08:19 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
bit of a lisp?
munchiselleh ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 13:55:25 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
He could be that special type of "pretty." I've noticed the prettiest dudes I know -- it's almost a look -- are gay. No idea what the connection is there, but I swear it's a thing.
conquer69 ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 09:58:17 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I am asked if I'm gay quite frequently by gay guys and some girls also made that assumption. People just make their minds and don't even check if their assumptions are correct.
Rivkariver ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:30:10 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
That's really dumb. Someone isn't automatically gay just because random ignorant people have speculated about his orientation before.
Dark_Vengence ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 05:43:01 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I believe you hunny bunny!
Hunny_Bunny20 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:43:08 on September 19, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Thank you Dark_Vengence!
ImaPeacockdamnit ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 14:38:35 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
just stay cool hunny bunny. stay cool.
[deleted] ยท -1 points ยท Posted at 05:13:13 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
If that conversation even had to happen then the answer is yes.
somethingwithbacon ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 07:12:51 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I mean if he had to deny it...
HeelR- ยท -1 points ยท Posted at 06:00:14 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
If you're as hot as your username makes you out to be, i'll take you :)
Hunny_Bunny20 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:42:44 on September 19, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Haha I appreciate the effort but I am again taken. Sorry!
wuzzum ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 04:55:12 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
He left for the teacher
Hunny_Bunny20 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:14:47 on September 19, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Oh god no! No one wants that teacher. If I had to resemble her to a cartoon character I would choose the mayor from the nightmare before christmas.
morbadox ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 06:33:31 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Asking the important questions
rare_pig ยท -68 points ยท Posted at 01:09:37 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
No one cares
p00psymcgee ยท 40 points ยท Posted at 01:29:54 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Factually incorrect. U/warhawk137 cares
hopswage ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 04:23:31 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
u/Warhawk137 could hire someone to care.
castillar ยท 2346 points ยท Posted at 00:51:19 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Couple years into college I ran into a friend from high school that I hadn't seen since we graduated. When we graduated, I'd been dating M, who promptly dumped me on my ass when we got to college.
FRIEND: So, how's M? You guys still together, or what?
ME: Err, no, we broke up when we got to college.
FRIEND: *honest-to-god jumping up and down and clapping in delight* Oo, YAY! Does that mean we can finally all tell you she's a huge bitch? Oh, boy! Hey, <boyfriend>, get in here! He isn't with M anymore--we can tell him she's a bitch now!
_poppies_ ยท 821 points ยท Posted at 01:56:10 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I had a friend like that too. We didn't immediately start talking shit about her, we just kind of let him come into it. Fresh break up can be tender.
castillar ยท 74 points ยท Posted at 01:59:46 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Yeah, fortunately she dumped me hard, so I was more than willing to dish about itโwas still in that 'F that crazy witch' phase.
[deleted] ยท 57 points ยท Posted at 03:00:09 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
[deleted]
castillar ยท 30 points ยท Posted at 03:02:09 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I figured I might as well not preemptively drop the f-bomb in the middle of the conversation. I've been working on that lately. :)
xViolentPuke ยท 30 points ยท Posted at 03:17:25 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I support you on this endeavor.
fuck
castillar ยท 7 points ยท Posted at 03:28:11 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I can use all the support I can get!
get_real666 ยท 14 points ยท Posted at 03:31:51 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Fucking get it man
Kyrian93 ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 04:28:34 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Welp. You done fucked up our PG-13 rating. I hoe you're happy.
moal09 ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 05:46:26 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Fuck that
Rivkariver ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 15:32:52 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I found it quite tasteful.
castillar ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 15:36:33 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Why, thank you sir-or-madam-as-the-case-may-be! :)
[deleted] ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 03:24:37 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
[deleted]
castillar ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 03:27:53 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Thanks, mate! You, too. :)
Drugs_and_Hugs ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 06:08:58 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
F her. F her right in the T and A. F her to hell.
Wickywire ยท 7 points ยท Posted at 07:21:50 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
*heck
FTFY
baevar ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 09:29:35 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
H-E-double hockey sticks bruh, best of both worlds
_poppies_ ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 02:01:38 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I feel dat
rahtin ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 08:15:14 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Then you get back together and everything is super awkward.
Quazifuji ยท 8 points ยท Posted at 06:51:28 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I had a friend in high school who dated a girl, we'll call her Emily, who none of us really liked for a while. The, one day, he sat down with us at lunch h and began repeatedly singing "Emily is a bitch." We all got a good laugh out of it.
Later, in college, a friend noticed that I was friends with Emily on Facebook. She asked how I knew her, I told her, and she immediately went into a rant about how crazy Emily was. Apparently they'd met at summer camp.
Mic_Check_One_Two ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 20:21:56 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Yep, never immediately bad mouth a friend's recent ex. Give it some time, and just slowly ease them into it. Otherwise, there's the very real possibility that they could get back together again right after you finished trashing the ex.
[deleted] ยท 58 points ยท Posted at 02:38:39 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I was oblivious to the fact that my ex-boyfriend was not a particularly likeable person, up until I broke up with him (he cheated on me via Craigslist. CRAIGSLIST!). After that was over and done with, suddenly all of our friends--even the ones who knew him before me, let all their reservations about him out. Most of the complaints centred around his weirdness/creepiness, and that they only tolerated him because of me.
Let's just say it was a lesson well learnt for me!
_Dreamer_Deceiver_ ยท 9 points ยท Posted at 07:34:27 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
What did he cheat on you with? A second hand ikea wardrobe?
Bugsy9876 ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 14:49:47 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
"When you're looking at the world through rose coloured glasses, all the red flags just look like flags"
AlbinoMoose ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 23:47:29 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Who is that a quote from?
Bugsy9876 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 06:49:54 on September 18, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Bojack Horseman episode
singe-ruse ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:59:20 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Sounds like my ex.
Manse_ ยท 22 points ยท Posted at 03:43:51 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
This was my divorce. I called my best bud, who was my roommate at one point before I was engaged but was dating said girl. His first words were "So what's the proper length of time before I'm allowed to say I told you so?"
castillar ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 12:48:54 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Ouch!
PaulieRomano ยท 14 points ยท Posted at 08:49:42 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
A:So how's your girlfriend now?
B:She's not my girlfriend anymore...
A:Boy I'm so glad, she was a huge bitch!
B:...she's my wife now
TheBarcaShow ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 07:33:11 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I do that with my friends girlfriend already though. Can't be too careful and say something nice and give her the impression that I like spending time with her
chickendance638 ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 03:33:36 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
That happened to a friend of mine, except it was his ex-wife and he got back together with her.
[deleted] ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 05:04:27 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
It's true. Only really really close friends can criticize the bf/gf. If you're not super close you basically just sabotage your own friendship.
newsheriffntown ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 13:34:09 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
A great comeback to that would have been, "yeah but you didn't let me finish. She's dead".
castillar ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 13:39:17 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Dammit, missed an opportunity for trolling!
alexheil ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 05:24:49 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
And you were all like "yeah, duh, primary source here!," right?
[deleted] ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 09:48:51 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
one of my closer friends friends did something similar about my now ex when we broke up. she actually was not a bitch but he just did not like her. we ended up back together after that but our friendship wasnt the same after that anymore...
We are not together anymore unfortunately but she is an amazing girl and this guy decided to bash on her because he didnt personally like her...thats just a bad move
castillar ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 12:52:11 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Yeah, definitely a gamble. If I'd wound up back together with her (and thank goodness I didn't, she was nuts), it would have been REALLY awkward...
BackspaceMan ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 10:23:14 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
She was a bitch, especially when she had that tracker put in 007's arm.
audscias ยท 7 points ยท Posted at 07:03:38 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I can't be the only one that feels like half of the joke is missing.
Hunny_Bunny20 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:42:17 on September 19, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I should have mentioned that it was a joke between people (and apparently teachers) they thought he was gay because he would wear such bright colored clothes but it's because he loves colors. He didn't subject himself to dark clothes just because that's what all the other guys did.
Trollcifer ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 02:11:45 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
The teacher was calling you manly.
Hunny_Bunny20 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:44:32 on September 19, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I should have mentioned that it was a joke between people (and apparently teachers) they thought he was gay because he would wear such bright colored clothes but it's because he loves colors. He didn't subject himself to dark clothes just because that's what all the other guys did. So no the teacher was not calling me manly. I am actually very girly. He was almost just as colorfully dressed as me.
Trollcifer ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:50:51 on September 19, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I got it. Was just being a dick.
Hunny_Bunny20 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:47:43 on September 19, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Yea exactly.
puzl ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 07:29:36 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Are you a guy or a girl?
Hunny_Bunny20 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:39:44 on September 19, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Girl
arcamdies ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 07:16:14 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Was that her way of saying you look like a man?
Hunny_Bunny20 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:40:41 on September 19, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I should have mentioned that it was a joke between people (and apparently teachers) they thought he was gay because he would wear such bright colored clothes but it's because he loves colors. He didn't subject himself to dark clothes just because that's what all the other guys did.
Wickywire ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 07:19:33 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
...What is the comeback here? I just don't see it. Unless, of course, if your ex was an outspoken and well-known homophobic.
Hunny_Bunny20 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:40:18 on September 19, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I should have mentioned that it was a joke between people (and apparently teachers) they thought he was gay because he would wear such bright colored clothes but it's because he loves colors. He didn't subject himself to dark clothes just because that's what all the other guys did. So people thought he was gay for what he wore.
clausport ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 14:36:44 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Is this even a comeback? Hard to tell without context, but isn't the teacher just asking the perfectly legitimate question "did it turn out that he was gay?"
Hunny_Bunny20 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:39:32 on September 19, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I should have mentioned that it was a joke between people (and apparently teachers) they thought he was gay because he would wear such bright colored clothes but it's because he loves colors. He didn't subject himself to dark clothes just because that's what all the other guys did.
[deleted] ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 07:04:42 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Are you a man or a woman? Because I assumed that you where gay at first and was pretty confused.
Hunny_Bunny20 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:41:47 on September 19, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
No, I am a woman. I should have mentioned that it was a joke between people (and apparently teachers) they thought he was gay because he would wear such bright colored clothes but it's because he loves colors. He didn't subject himself to dark clothes just because that's what all the other guys did.
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:57:28 on September 19, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
[deleted]
guy1138 ยท -1 points ยท Posted at 07:04:25 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
sounds like a pretty dick move from your teacher, BUT....
After a decade or so, you have to figure that high school teachers see enough closeted adolescents that they can predict who is going to "come out" in college.
rose788 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 12:23:48 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Starts in elementary school, we can see them in first grade. When you are around kids constantly you pick up each of their personalities.
Hunny_Bunny20 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:42:09 on September 19, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I should have mentioned that it was a joke between people (and apparently teachers) they thought he was gay because he would wear such bright colored clothes but it's because he loves colors. He didn't subject himself to dark clothes just because that's what all the other guys did.
[deleted] ยท 32 points ยท Posted at 05:06:18 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Dumb cunt redneck in my class was being an ass to a semi retarded kid in class, something about blow jobs, and the teacher speaks up "Jeffery, you should have been swallowed, now shut the hell up or get out of my class."
[deleted] ยท 33 points ยท Posted at 03:25:45 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)*
A former thirteen-year-old student of mine confided in me, "Mister, ain't nuttin' wrong wit' jackin' (stealing)."
I stuck out my hand for him to shake it. With a confused look, he reached out his hand. As I began to shake it, I maintained eye contact with him and told him with all sincerity, "Have fun in jail."
Edit: Just looked him up. He is 22 now and has been arrested at least twice, once for possession of under two oz. of marijuana in a drug-free zone and possessing an illegal weapon, and the other for indecent exposure.
[deleted] ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 18:23:19 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
"I agree, but I should tell you, I haven't washed my hands"
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 14:47:01 on September 19, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Where do you teach?
megagreg ยท 11 points ยท Posted at 04:32:52 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
That reminds me of one my gym teacher said to someone who was acting up: "go stand in the hall with all your friends." He was the only person ever sent to stand in the hall.
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 14:46:25 on September 19, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
That's hilarious. This teacher also made us sit in the hall on the day we were learning about "Cervical mucus" because we couldn't be quiet or serious.
lordjord11 ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 08:37:51 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
At our school prom, some student's BF was being a total arse and making loud stupid noises during the headteachers' speech (Catholic school, too). Later on that evening, she sat down next to him and calmly said "I'd just like to let you know that you'll go nowhere in life and will always be a failure in the eyes of those around you." In all fairness, the guy is a total arsehole anyway and it seems her prediction is coming true!
We could all feel the heat rippling out from that burn.
AllHailTheNod ยท 23 points ยท Posted at 00:51:57 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
This might be funny for us to read now, but call me too nice for this world, yet in my opinion this is not something a teacher should ever say to their student. Ever.
chuntiyomoma ยท 7 points ยท Posted at 01:17:25 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
It is definitely an off key thing to say. Hard to tell what the teacher's motive was.
016Bramble ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 06:35:54 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Given the context, this was probably after or just before the student's graduation, and you don't know what the teacher and student's relationship was like. It could have been a lighthearted joke.
But I agree with you that if it was serious or while they were still having classes, it would have been an awful and unprofessional thing to say.
summinspicy ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 08:05:50 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
My favourite teacher comeback went thusly:
Maths class, pretty loud, people chatting, not paying attention. Mr Melville was going up and down the aisles collecting homework books...
Teacher: "Jake, may I have your book"
Jake:"sorry sir i was in a rush this mornin and couldn't find it underneath the pile of crap in the room"
Teacher (before Jake could blink): "Most people crap in the toilet, Jake."
lucao_psellus ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 09:14:27 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
You see, he deliberately misunderstood an extremely common and widely-understood figure of speech!
Snitsie ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 10:32:08 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Reminds me of that time i met a high school teacher in a library after i had graduated and was studying at university. He greeted me with "Hey anon! Well this is the absolute last place i'd have expected to meet you!"
House_of_Harkonnen ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 13:15:13 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
That's terrible.
Logicallyannoying ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 16:08:26 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I had a teacher say this to me in 8th grade. She was only off by two years.
goodcountryperson ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:42:55 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Was this an English teacher by chance?
xRoisinDubh ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:22:15 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Boom roasted.
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 06:16:48 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Theres potentially an even bigger comeback in 20 years
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 07:09:18 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Was your friend of the jailbait calibre?
upads ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 07:30:25 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
That's what my teacher said to me...
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 07:51:37 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
[deleted]
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 14:45:01 on September 19, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
No! She is in a jazz band and works at the grocery store. She's just a real crazy hyper individual and used to drive our teacher up the wall with her antics.
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 08:07:29 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
How is that a comeback? Did you leave part out?
welcomebackalice ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 12:34:30 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
GOT EM
darexinfinity ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 06:02:59 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
"Pretty good, the other convicts don't fuck with you if you're in for murder, especially when the victim is a teacher."
[deleted] ยท 751 points ยท Posted at 02:02:41 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
It was was during lunch at high school when this kid with really bad crossed eyes made fun of this Asian kid. He was just saying stereotypical things like, Asians can't drive and etc. The Asian kid replies with " you I'm really jealous of you, when you cross the street you don't need to look both ways." Everyone was dying, laughing so hard.
ProbeUranus ยท 20 points ยท Posted at 13:11:15 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
An associate of mine used to pick on his Mexican coworker by calling him Pedro knowing that's not his name. One day he saw him and greeted him with, "What's up Pedro!?"
The unexpected response dropped without missing a beat: "What's up negro?"
That was the last time he was picked on by my associate.
Trainwreck071302 ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 17:20:25 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Lol, my buddy had a lazy eye and when every we were arguing about something with him we'd always so "look at me straight when I'm talking to you!" and it would always end it. It was a dick move but we constantly roasted each other.
5HITCOMBO ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 11:51:13 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
SAVAGE LOL
bluepilledasfuck ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:38:55 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Good lord that's a great one.
ColtChevy ยท -90 points ยท Posted at 04:45:29 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Thats when you say "yea it must suck not being able to open them either!"
jk01 ยท 70 points ยท Posted at 06:34:33 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
...you tried
blueflame97 ยท 10 points ยท Posted at 13:24:49 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Reddit needs this as a counterpart for gold
audscias ยท 15 points ยท Posted at 13:33:22 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
We had reddit mold for a brief time. We need it back.
faster_than_sound ยท 4003 points ยท Posted at 23:12:55 on September 16, 2016 ยท (Permalink)*
My brother's bachelor weekend, we went camping and canoeing. We were hanging out at our campsite drinking beers, and couple of my brother's friends were standing around joking with eachother. One of the guys' last names was Wozniak, and he had "Woz" tattooed on his arm. The other guy, who was a short guy, probably no more than 5'0", looks at his tattoo and says "what does that say? 'Wuss'?" And Wozniak without missing a beat nudges the cooler over to the short guy with his foot and says "climb up on that and maybe you'll be able to read it a little better." Probably the smoothest comeback I've ever seen.
MacDerfus ยท 748 points ยท Posted at 01:29:03 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Aaaand now I'm trying to imagine apple-based burns.
AxelYoung95 ยท 37 points ยท Posted at 03:56:56 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Easy:
Just run PoGo.
rushaz ยท 9 points ยท Posted at 06:58:00 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I think that's more appropriate on Samsung's....
kosashi ยท 10 points ยท Posted at 09:22:04 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Device doesn't matter. Pokemon go is made in Unity which is like a benchmark for phone heating.
sleepyworm ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:59:33 on September 18, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
It's true. My poor fingers.
[deleted] ยท 25 points ยท Posted at 05:03:56 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
[deleted]
MacDerfus ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 05:09:02 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I'll keep you away like a doctor!
apostledeets ยท 18 points ยท Posted at 05:03:17 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Conversely, it's all too easy to imagine Samsung-based burns.
awesomedan24 ยท 13 points ยท Posted at 05:49:41 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
You jack it so much you're the reason Apple got rid of the 3.5mm port
noogooyen ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 06:47:01 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Nice.....
HeWhoPunsOften ยท 8 points ยท Posted at 06:02:14 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Samsung is causing enough burns as it is.
jedrekk ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 06:26:39 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Wozniak is a super common Polish last name, fwiw.
[deleted] ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 08:04:09 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
iBurn, $399 RRP
bookstorephantom ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 07:19:44 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Isnt Samsung the one that can burn you?
Pun_In_Ten_Did ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 15:53:24 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Easy: Samsung.
IAmAParagraph ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:09:56 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Applewood smoked bacon? Does that even count?
Cpt0bvius ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 08:21:33 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Dude's savage to the core.
pearthon ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:15:26 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Reading this from an overheating apple product, no need to imagine anything.
Neftcleft ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:08:22 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Boots with the furrrrr
See-9 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 21:06:42 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
After Steve Jobs died, my trivia team name was "Wozniak Wins" for a while. Good times.
the_last_fartbender ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 22:26:04 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
That's more a Samsung thing.
Prod_Is_For_Testing ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 06:57:06 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Shouldn't be too hard, those things are 200 degrees
1jl ยท 57 points ยท Posted at 03:08:01 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I mean he is short though. Like really short, so that was kind of a ...low blow.
[deleted] ยท 19 points ยท Posted at 03:49:22 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Hence the savagery.
Oh wait a fucking minute.
ProbeUranus ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 12:40:43 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I mean he is short though. Like really short, so that was kind of a {puts on shades} ...low blow.
YEAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!!!!
FTFY
1jl ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 13:12:25 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
https://www.myinstants.com/instant/yeah/
Warning, loud.
ProbeUranus ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 13:29:04 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Where has this been all my life!?
ProbeUranus ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 13:29:05 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Where has this been all my life!?
HockeyFightsMumps ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 07:29:30 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
So is making fun of a tattoo
69ChampionUSA ยท 8 points ยท Posted at 05:09:45 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Classic Woz.
VNERF ยท 9 points ยท Posted at 02:14:20 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Only thing so far that made me burst out laughing.
Leigho7 ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 03:39:50 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Would you like me to describe it to you, or would you like me to find you a box?
dahts-the-joke ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 04:05:57 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Did he happen to have thug life alsp tattood on his stomach? Serious question
Meisje28 ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 11:36:24 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Instantly climbs up and reads it perfectly. So what's up, your mother forgot to pull your head out at birth that you can't remember your name without it?
faster_than_sound ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 11:40:35 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
That would have been good, but the other guy was pretty much resting up in the burn ward after that one. He had nothing left in him.
Usbqis ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 05:10:59 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Yeah I think we need a place here. I know someone in the Midwest US with a Woz tattoo.
faster_than_sound ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 11:44:45 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Ohio. Cleveland area.
[deleted] ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 05:13:13 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Whoa, like related to The Woz?
[deleted] ยท 17 points ยท Posted at 02:48:01 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Men will insult each other and not mean it.
Women will compliment each other and not mean it.
Aidernz ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 07:00:47 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
"Shall I describe it to you? Or would you like me to find you a box..?"
awwkwardapple ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 07:50:39 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)*
Wait I'm 5'7"...... IM SHORT???
faster_than_sound ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 11:44:07 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
When you're standing around a group of guys above 6 feet in height... Yes. I'm sorry.
HighRelevancy ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:24:53 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Australian?
Amazingamazone ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 06:11:40 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Must be Danish
plz2meatyu ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:56:44 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Fucking savage
xRoisinDubh ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:25:06 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Boom roasted.
TheGodOfPegana ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 06:56:15 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
A little better.
gangtokay ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 08:01:08 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Thank you so much stranger. There's a Water Sports Training Centre and I've been wanting to check it out. But I just keep forgetting to get the timings that's hanging in the office. You reminded me of it today. I'm gonna check it out.
Pariahdog119 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 12:06:50 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I did something like that, once. A short guy I didn't know was getting in my tall friend's face and yelling about how he was going to kick his ass.
I made a stirrup with my hands and asked, "Boost up?"
In retrospect, this was probably not the best way to disrupt a potential prison fight. It worked, though. Everyone started laughing and forgot why they were mad.
Daedry ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 12:51:58 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I'm pretty short as well, but I learnt to laugh about it as years went by
One time at one of my previous jobs, some of my colleagues were teasing me about my height, and a new coworker says:
''Wow, that was a low blow''
and another friend/coworker answers;
''Of course it's a low blow, otherwise it would go right over Derp's head''
TheCoolOnesGotTaken ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 12:57:05 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
My brother is 6'4" and constant for asked if he played basketball, which annoyed him. One day some short woman said"i bet you play basketball as tall as you are" and he turned around and said "and I bet you play miniature golf"
RebootTheServer ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:57:14 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Don't let /r/short read this
helpinghat ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 05:35:25 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Was the short guy's last name Jobs by any chance?
paulthepolishkid ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 04:43:40 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Did Wozniak happen to be an art teacher from ct? by any chance
harveyf-king_bullock ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 08:15:25 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
climb up on that and maybe you'll be able see
hundycougar ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 06:18:07 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Like a real man only smaller!
ask-a-local ยท 1356 points ยท Posted at 00:49:14 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Heckler: My mum died of cancer!
Comedian: I'm really sorry to hear that, but how is that relevant?
Heckler: It was funnier than your act.
[deleted] ยท 215 points ยท Posted at 03:50:53 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)*
[deleted]
ronerychiver ยท 22 points ยท Posted at 07:11:18 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
His laugh is so weird. HaaaHAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!
autoposting_system ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 20:08:54 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Augh, it's my least favorite thing about him.
The guy is positively gifted, but I can't stand that laugh.
[deleted] ยท 21 points ยท Posted at 05:21:21 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Was gonna say, has to be Carr...
ItsMe_RhettJames ยท 9 points ยท Posted at 05:39:52 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Had a feeling.
ClintHammer ยท 12 points ยท Posted at 06:12:11 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
is it really heckling if you do 10 minutes of crowdwork and encourage that? At that part isn't it what hecklers actually think they are doing when they heckle?
4tchan ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 06:32:00 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Read it in his voice too
the_last_fartbender ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 22:35:04 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Someone got Jimmy Carr with that?
Holy shit.
Sjokomelk ยท 34 points ยท Posted at 15:21:18 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I went to a Jimmy Carr show in Norway.
When he asked for heckles a guy yelled out "your suit is ugly!".
Jimmy giggled and put down the heckler gently.
A bit later another heckler yelled out "he should lay off your suit, it's the best material you've got!"
[deleted] ยท 34 points ยท Posted at 05:48:12 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
[deleted]
Falcrist ยท 10 points ยท Posted at 06:39:04 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Carr has a much better delivery: https://youtu.be/TcBRePwOPPI?t=1m9s
pollandballer ยท -2 points ยท Posted at 01:02:06 on September 18, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Ha! Fuck those darkies, amiright! /s
Seriously what the fuck
I_would_kill_you ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 11:18:45 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
If this is true then it's the first time I've heard of a heckler winning. Wish it had happened to Steve Hofstetter. That guy gets heckled all the time and manages to win.
hitlerallyliteral ยท 2273 points ยท Posted at 23:45:40 on September 16, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
From Somewhere or Other : 'you shall either die of the pox or on the gallows'
'That depends, sir, whether I embrace your mistress or your principles'
[deleted] ยท 51 points ยท Posted at 07:01:20 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Ooooooo. A girl I knew told this quiet girl in school "I hope you die in a car accident," and the quiet girl said "I'll probably choke to death and your boyfriend will bleed to death if that is the case," it was beautiful. God, high school is savage.
[deleted] ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 11:19:36 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
eli5?
Inceratiana ยท 30 points ยท Posted at 11:25:35 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
The quiet girl was giving him a blowjob when the car accident happened.
She's implying that she'd bite off his dick on accident, and she'd choke on his dis-member. He'd bleed to death because he'd have an erection and lose a lot of blood when his dick is cut off.
MisterArathos ยท 12 points ยท Posted at 16:23:21 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Heh.
Dis-member.
Heh.
LionelOu ยท 8 points ยท Posted at 11:26:45 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Implying she'd be sucking him off while he's driving and she'd bite his cock off when they crashed. I guess.
RustenSkurk ยท 7 points ยท Posted at 13:39:56 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Just like in American Gods!
MidnightAshley ยท 48 points ยท Posted at 06:12:01 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Reminds me of another old one that went something like- Woman: if I was your wife I'd put poison in your tea. Man: if I was your husband I'd drink it!
Brittfire ยท 37 points ยท Posted at 06:38:51 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Winston Churchill.
ronerychiver ยท 21 points ยท Posted at 07:07:19 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Winston Churchill to Lady Astor
ryegye24 ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 21:47:08 on September 22, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Side note: basically every interaction between Churchill and Astor was golden. Another example,
A: Sir you're drunk!
C: And you, madame, are ugly, but tomorrow I shall be sober!
and
C: Would you sleep with me for a million pounds?
A: ...perhaps
C: Would you sleep with me for 100 pounds?
A: What kind of woman do you think I am?!
C: We've already determined what kind of woman you are, now we're simply negotiating on price.
Philbertthefishy ยท 20 points ยท Posted at 03:12:22 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Wasn't that Robespierre? Or Voltaire?
[deleted] ยท 17 points ยท Posted at 03:34:21 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Lord Sandwich was first of many
bliow ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 05:06:52 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
BRUTAL.
vidoqo ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 06:57:13 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
drops oration cylinder
neztach ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 05:13:48 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Sounds like lord Byron.
philosiraptor ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:50:03 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Byron would def already had the Pox.
[deleted] ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 08:07:17 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Ye Olde Savagery
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 06:10:27 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
This is bang up to the elephant.
clomjompsonjim ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 07:57:48 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
God old timey insults are so savage I love this
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 08:37:54 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Often attributed as an answer from John Wilkes (awesome dude) to the earl of Sandwich
geckothegeek42 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 12:11:02 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Ooh colonial burn
JoeMojo ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 14:22:15 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
The Earl of Sandwhich
deusdragon ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:17:38 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Oh shit! That's gorgeous.
nappiestapparatus ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 05:35:18 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
O shittttt WORLDSTARRR
m4cktheknife ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 08:26:36 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I understood this thanks to Frasier.
MadamePotato ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 14:04:10 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Probably something Shakespeare wrote, damn that guy knew how to write a good clapback.
Just-Call-Me-J ยท 1008 points ยท Posted at 21:35:16 on September 16, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
"If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?" Abraham Lincoln
Elvensabre ยท 176 points ยท Posted at 03:41:58 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Self-burns are best burns.
Just-Call-Me-J ยท 33 points ยท Posted at 03:57:48 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Especially when you steal someone else's thunder of burning you. It really kills their fun.
furahmed ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 20:36:40 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Not really. But you can contain the extent of the burn
[deleted] ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 18:56:31 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
side-burns too
[deleted] ยท 22 points ยท Posted at 05:20:21 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Four score and seven burns ago
figgypie ยท 7 points ยท Posted at 04:23:55 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Lincoln was ugly, but at least he had a good sense of humor about it.
TasteTheRaimbow ยท 15 points ยท Posted at 05:45:33 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I don't know if I'd say he was ugly, keep in mind he was 56 when he became president.
This is him clean shaven, and a little younger
[deleted] ยท 18 points ยท Posted at 05:57:07 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)*
deleted What is this?
TanksAllFoes ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 07:55:36 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
The story of Lincoln, and his rise out of undead burg.
runetrantor ยท 10 points ยท Posted at 06:05:55 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
You can REALLY see the uneven chin that made him have a beard to hide it.
And I guess it's due to being accustomed to his beard, but he looks odd without it.
hopswage ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 17:00:07 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
He looks like an underweight Matthew McConaughey.
Rivkariver ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 16:06:46 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
He was what we call "Jolie-laide." Ugly-pretty. Like Mick Jagger.
Raibean ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 04:08:54 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
The self-burn
PM_ME_YOUR_LIT ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 06:04:17 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Ah yes, the 8 Mile approach.
timmay5127 ยท 2935 points ยท Posted at 00:08:50 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I was at the skate park and two black kids got into a roasting session. One kid said something along the lines of "your hair looks like a fuckin cheeto." to which the kid replied with, "your hair looks like you're trying to get your kids back from CPS."
avamuffins ยท 134 points ยท Posted at 04:02:49 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Fucking savage
TheMexicanBuddah ยท 63 points ยท Posted at 05:40:38 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
YOU LOOK LIKE A MUDDA FUCKIN UHHHHHHH
0day1337 ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 09:18:12 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
koala bear tampon
fuck-dat-shit-up ยท 29 points ยท Posted at 04:10:39 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
This is my new bar for how i do my own hair. I just gotta make it look good enough that I don't know like that.
Derpywhaleshark7 ยท 31 points ยท Posted at 04:05:17 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Is his hair rolled on his head like the Weeknd guy? Im trying to visualize cheeto hair lol
dingleberry_fountain ยท 29 points ยท Posted at 04:44:04 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Dreads
jayhens ยท 16 points ยท Posted at 04:03:23 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
This is the only one to make me legitimately laugh out loud
welcomebackalice ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 12:56:01 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
i second that
5redrb ยท 20 points ยท Posted at 04:11:11 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
What does that even mean?
timmay5127 ยท 34 points ยท Posted at 04:54:18 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Guy 1 is implying guy 2 looks trashy hence why guy 2 needs to get his kids back from CPS
hayashikin ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 06:41:34 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
But both of them are supposed to be kids?
N_tropic ยท -34 points ยท Posted at 07:26:08 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Most things black people say/do take leaps of logic to understand
franklloydwrong ยท 8 points ยท Posted at 07:41:07 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
wut
MakingShitAwkward ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 08:17:33 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
You wouldn't understand, he's black.
[deleted] ยท -2 points ยท Posted at 06:08:12 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
[deleted]
chilly-wonka ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 15:15:57 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
This is what I guessed too. First kid is making fun of cheeto-hair for looking a little crazy, second kid is making fun of cps guy for looking boring/prim and proper. I.e. he's a try-hard because he's trying to convince people he's respectable, instead of being chill and looking cool.
lilyrae ยท -4 points ยท Posted at 06:37:07 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
"Preppy/proper" does not lose your children to CPS.
The_Caelondian ยท 13 points ยท Posted at 04:12:45 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Holy shit.
rayyvenne ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 07:16:30 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
This one made me go, " ooOohhh" out loud under my breath. And also miss my kids.
Edited to clarify: foster mom in an urban area. Was the one who had to give them back to the 'try too hard' haircut. Also, my kids are all fucking savages.
xRoisinDubh ยท 9 points ยท Posted at 05:30:17 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Boom roasted.
nythyn12 ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 06:01:19 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Who's next?
chilly-wonka ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:16:17 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
We already did her
JuniorBaconCheese ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 04:19:00 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
This one's great. I hope you gave him a real life gold
Lonslock ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:44:14 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
But I dont carry gold around with me
Paranitis ยท -1 points ยท Posted at 06:03:32 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Obviously you are not poor and black then.
donkey_supreme ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 04:48:09 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Holy fuck I think there's a video of this up on YouTube.
timmay5127 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 04:53:23 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Link?
donkey_supreme ยท 8 points ยท Posted at 04:56:20 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
https://youtu.be/RPAkBvyxQCY
4pp13J4CK ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 05:25:54 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
That kid's a better cameraman than many adults.
timmay5127 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 04:58:53 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Nah this isn't it but it sure was funny lol
donkey_supreme ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:09:50 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Haha yeah I always come back to this video once in a while. As soon as you said two black kids roasting eachother in a skatepark I immediately thought of this.
TaylorS1986 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 23:23:46 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Those brats need to have their foul mouths washed out with soap. My mom would have grounded me for life if she ever caught me using so much foul language at that age.
donkey_supreme ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:11:25 on September 18, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Eh I think it's kind of funny. It's a skatepark, pretty much free range in those things.
TaylorS1986 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:13:54 on September 18, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Maybe I'm just an old-fashioned country boy, then. I'm 30 and my mom still scolds me if I swear around her.
zondwich ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 06:33:29 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I had to read that twice. That is fucking amazing.
DuckHunter101 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 06:58:21 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
0 fucks given.
UglyStru ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 07:30:37 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I don't know what it is about black folks that makes them so good with roasting. I went to high school in a pretty urban community and used to get flamed so hard at the lunch table. Life was a bitch, man.
GuruBushHippie ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 11:19:46 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Skatepark kids are fucking brutal.
Monkeysplish ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 14:44:52 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
That one's gonna sting in ten years when he's trying to get his kids back from CPS. Way to play the long game.
stranger_flower ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:09:37 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Faaaaaaaaack!
arrowtail ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:17:15 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Only insult on this thread I might use as a middle aged, middle class, professional white lady.
[deleted] ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 05:51:35 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
/r/blackdads
Slackerette ยท 379 points ยท Posted at 04:28:08 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
When I was around twelve years old, my aunt and my fourteen year-old cousin, her son, arrived in their car to pick me and my brother up from our place to go to theirs. As my brother and I climb into the backseat, my cousin sneezes into a tissue and tosses the snotty wad into the cup holder between him and his mom. "I don't want any shit in my car," she warns, to which my cousin responds by sighing, turning around from the passenger seat to look at me, and saying, "Sorry, looks like you gotta go."
:(
TPtheRedditFinn ยท 21 points ยท Posted at 12:45:12 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
This reminds me of one time my home economics teacher asked me, if i could take the trash to the outdoor bin. I grabbed my friends hand and told him: "Well, you heard her".
Nitrostoat ยท 11285 points ยท Posted at 03:27:20 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Dude at my gym who is overweight has been working it off, slowly but surely, for a few months. This new guy comes in one day and starts trying to flirt with the receptionist (who is the overweight guys wife)
He decides to loudly ask why that dude is so fat if he is at the gym.
The receptionist looks at him for a long moment and then says "Because every time we screw I let him lick chocolate sauce off me."
I nearly died laughing that day.
snipergosh ยท 2003 points ยท Posted at 05:56:42 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Good one! I remember a similar exchange that took place in a cricket match.
Aussie player: Why are you so fat?
Zimbabwe player: Because every time I make love to your wife, she gives me a biscuit.
[deleted] ยท 490 points ยท Posted at 06:51:41 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Don't forget the context here. That guy's (Glenn McGrath) wife had breast cancer at the time and unfortunately she passed away.
Absolute savagery.
smigga ยท 239 points ยท Posted at 07:04:18 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
McGrath(or his wife) has been on the receiving end of another savagery too.
McGrath : what does Brian Lara's dick taste like?
Sarwan : why don't you ask your wife?
NickTM ยท 34 points ยท Posted at 07:54:43 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
For someone who's been so thoroughly and repeatedly burned by his sledging, you'd have assumed Glenn McGrath would have done it less often really.
smigga ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 12:57:45 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
The man couldn't help himself
shlam16 ยท 11 points ยท Posted at 11:14:42 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Then McGrath grabbed him by his shirt and said "if you ever say another word about my wife I will rip your fucking throat out", or something along those lines.
smigga ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 12:59:27 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)*
For a bowler with an exceptional command over his line and length, the line of sledging that he took always backfired
smuffleupagus ยท 8 points ยท Posted at 14:48:00 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
And here I thought cricket was a gentlemen's sport
smigga ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 15:51:02 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Not for our Australian mates
It_Is_Known ยท 27 points ยท Posted at 07:04:51 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
For anyone who doesn't follow the game. Once a year the crowd in sydney dresses in pink for Jane McGrath day.
It raises money for breast cancer nurses.
pabloq ยท 18 points ยท Posted at 13:33:04 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
It makes a change because Australian cricket fans usually go dressed up as empty seats.
Chasen101 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 15:18:48 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Savage AF
Grraaa ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 09:40:26 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Has Komen sued them yet?
stormaes ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 11:06:00 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Fuck Komen
jonsnowknowssfa ยท 11 points ยท Posted at 07:44:13 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I think this was before she was diagnosed.... The sarwan incident though was shortly after diagnosis... and McGrath went fucking mental after the sledge.
ljb23 ยท 8 points ยท Posted at 07:48:14 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Yep, the Brandes sledge was well before.
ljb23 ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 07:48:44 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Not the case though. The Brandes sledge was well before she was diagnosed.
[deleted] ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 08:26:40 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
That's kind of too far I feel, but I guess that's the point
cincocerodos ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:57:22 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
"Oh yeah Reilly? Well I had sex with your wife!"
"His wife is in a coma."
KrikkitOne ยท 35 points ยท Posted at 09:38:13 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Always makes me laugh. Eddo Brandes was the Zimbabwean, and Glenn McGrath the Aussie bowler for anyone who doesn't recognise it.
I really like the one between Rod Marsh and Ian Botham too.
Marsh: "How's your wife and my kids?"
Botham : "Wife's fine. Kids are retarded".
Cricketers are fucking vicious.
bahdmann ยท 14 points ยท Posted at 07:28:39 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Upvote for Zimbabwe. God knows we need it.
AndrewTheCyborg ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 09:49:45 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Ah, yes. "Sledging", as it's known, is a good old tradition at cricket games.
ryncewynde88 ยท 9 points ยท Posted at 06:33:08 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Woo! Zimbabwe!
thenekkidguy ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 07:22:03 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
He should have share them with his country.
neurohero ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 08:26:22 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
This was on the 90s, when Zimbabwe had food. The streets were paved with biscuits.
thenekkidguy ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 09:17:16 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
If only they had the sense to put a roof over the biscuits, the great rain wouldn't have made them all soggy.
KeransHQ ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 07:47:45 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I've heard that comeback before, but heard it that it was asked of the actor that played Harold Bishop on Aussie soap opera Neighbours by a tourist on a tour of the Neighbours sets
mcsheepwan ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 09:30:37 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Other way around its was the Ozzie 'shane long' who said it. Shane long probably doesn't exist mind but it was definitely an Ozzie who had the comeback.
ThereIsBearCum ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 06:50:28 on September 18, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Shane Long does exist, but he doesn't play cricket for Australia, he plays football for Ireland.
colonelspaz01 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 12:02:59 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
god damn aussies who even likes them *sips milo and eats a tim tam. oh wait
Sine_Wave_ ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:42:44 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
during a cricket game!?!
bombusbuzz ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 23:31:38 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
my tech teacher said something similar to that, he lost his job
Scarletfapper ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 08:02:46 on September 18, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Or from a previous thread: "Because every time I fuck your mom she bakes me a cake!" Story was that was to his gym teacher, who turned red in the face and exploded into laughter.
Jms1078 ยท 81 points ยท Posted at 06:21:57 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Thats actually really sweet of her.
muraenae ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 18:10:28 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Goddamn it, take my upvote you clever bastard.
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 22:25:10 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
He licked that off too.
[deleted] ยท -2 points ยท Posted at 08:26:06 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
[deleted]
AmAShill ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:47:05 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Incoming, an airplane is landing!
Whoooosh
creechr ยท 1333 points ยท Posted at 05:14:17 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Oh my god that's fucking gold.
MichaelNevermore ยท 70 points ยท Posted at 06:15:03 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
No, it's fucking the receptionist.
CorSnov ยท 16 points ยท Posted at 07:23:48 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
No, he's fucking the receptionist.
shane_low ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 07:36:48 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Yes, but her name is Goldie
pandarsis ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 12:24:09 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Actually it's fucking chocolate
[deleted] ยท 334 points ยท Posted at 05:05:00 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
That's the best one in the thread. Holy shit, totally roasted the dude without even trying. It's not even an insult! God damn it, it's so good.
kmadnow ยท 65 points ยท Posted at 05:13:50 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
You all right?
[deleted] ยท 130 points ยท Posted at 05:16:10 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I couldn't handle it. As of now, I am able to handle it.
darkwhisper ยท 47 points ยท Posted at 05:32:21 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Please, do keep us posted in case of any changes.
My_50_lb_Testes ยท 66 points ยท Posted at 05:53:52 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Hi. I regret to inform you that /u/CapnHighlands passed away today. He just couldn't handle it. He will be missed.
jk01 ยท 19 points ยท Posted at 06:10:35 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
F
PacoCrazyfoot ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 06:23:52 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
U
quantumturnip ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 06:31:50 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
C
iamalbus ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 06:33:47 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I was expecting chocolate sauce.
Neocoustic ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 06:36:02 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
H
jp426_1 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 06:47:43 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
S
jack_mioff ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 06:35:33 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
D
minddropstudios ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 05:57:49 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
That's the best one in the thread. Holy shit, totally roasted the dude without even trying. It's not even an insult! God damn it, it's so good.
darkwhisper ยท 8 points ยท Posted at 06:05:45 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Man: SIR, I ALREADY TOLD YOU THAT I AM NOT A ROASTING PERSON AND YOU'RE REFUSING TO HELP ME SO I AM GOING TO STOP COMMENTING!
2Gud2beHuman ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 06:04:50 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
You all right?
asj29 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:47:22 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I couldn't handle it. As of now, I am able to handle it.
Milmanda ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 08:43:05 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
R.I.P /u/CapnHighlands. You will be missed. :-(
vinnythehammer ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 06:21:36 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Follow up with your doctor if handling worsens in the next 2-3 days.
[deleted] ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 06:28:15 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
What if my handling lasts for more than four hours?
vinnythehammer ยท 7 points ยท Posted at 06:30:40 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
See your local auto shop mechanic. The handling troubles could come down to offset cambering or alignment.
[deleted] ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 05:16:14 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Nah I'm all left
[deleted] ยท -6 points ยท Posted at 05:28:52 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
[deleted]
joemaniaci ยท 21 points ยท Posted at 05:34:00 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Makes me want to get her a gift for their anniversary.
TriblialBrainDamblge ยท 17 points ยท Posted at 06:11:43 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Get them some chocolate sauce.
Milmanda ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 08:43:33 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Sugar free.
Penis-Butt ยท 27 points ยท Posted at 05:17:22 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Did he turn in his gym membership card on the spot?
kippy3267 ยท 65 points ยท Posted at 05:22:18 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Hard to work out with such severe burns
ijustwantanfingname ยท 10 points ยท Posted at 05:33:13 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Albert. Einstein.
jetsparrow ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 09:20:17 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
A professor is giving a seminar at a university. It is the first lesson of the year, he has never worked with these students, so he decides to get acquainted.
"Which one of you is Albert Einstein?"
One student stands up.
That student's name?
Albert Einstein.
Qexodus ยท 28 points ยท Posted at 05:50:06 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
What a legend of a wife
HugeHungryHippo ยท 9 points ยท Posted at 06:47:16 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
...I wonder if she's single
Tanman1495 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 06:36:59 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
savage
stickyvibes ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 06:40:38 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Best comeback ever. Wow. Wish I could have watched the guy get knocked back by that.
FlamingTacoDick ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 06:42:02 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
holy fuck that's great!!
Patagoniamonk ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 07:25:17 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
/r/thathappened
[deleted] ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 11:20:48 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
[deleted]
oliviathecf ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 12:42:41 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Of course none of that ever happened. Don't you know that /r/nothingeverhappens?
WheresTheSauce ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 13:23:05 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
It's more that the line sounds more like something from a sitcom more than something that would've happened in real life, to me. No one talks like that.
SomethingWithMittens ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 06:45:52 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Brilliant. You're truly blessed with a partner like that :D
Nicekicksbro ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 06:54:05 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Ooooooh fuck yeah! XD
AmondaPls ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 07:04:18 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
But like, when you think about it from his perspective, he likely STILL wasn't really picking up what was going on and just thought she was being bizarrely sexual.
Prof_Doom ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 07:24:24 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
PLease tell me he left in shame and never came back!
llDurbinll ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 07:31:27 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
That has to be the stupidest question I've ever heard someone ask. You go to the gym to lose weight/maintain your current weight as well as working on muscles.
Astrobomb ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 07:40:16 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Fatal. Has the guy worked it off yet?
Nitrostoat ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 08:37:04 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
He's dropped a solid forty since he started. Not entirely sure what his ultimate goal is (we're just acquaintances) but it's a hell of an improvement.
COGspartaN7 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 07:57:26 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Hell yeah! Marriage solidarity, I like it!
baevar ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 09:23:22 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
It's a stupid question in the first place..to burn off the fat obviously. I'm alright with fat jokes most of the time but bagging on someone who's jogging or exercising is total bullshit. It's like bagging on an alcoholic outside an AA meeting. Why shame them if they're literally in the act of doing something about it?! They're obviously just stroking their own ego, not trying to affect a positive change through social cues. Applaud them, "good for you for taking the first step."Just cruel, pompous, vacuous assholes that conveniently forget how they looked before they started working out at that point.
Pizza_Delivery_Dog ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 10:04:54 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
What a stupid comment to begin with. For all he knew the overweight guy started working out that morning. You don't lose weight the second you step into a gym
freddy2677 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 10:58:23 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Holy shit what an absolute savage. I like that women
TheresanotherJoswell ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 12:45:26 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
"Why is he so fat if he's at the gym?"
Some people are a bit dull aren't they.
gareiu ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 13:12:52 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
that happened and this joke is so funny i am 5
reddit front page has become shittier and shittier
Nicklovn ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 13:57:35 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Damn... Now I know why he married her.
thetrueBAUSE ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 14:27:31 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
THIS HUMAN IS IN ERROR. HUMANS DO NOT HAVE SCREWS. HUMANS ARE NOT ROBOTS. AM I CORRECT, FELLOW HUMANS?
frodosbitch ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:39:14 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I have source amnesia right now, but I remember a variation of this. Probably from Reddit:
You're fat.
Well what can I say, every time I bang your mom, she makes me a sandwich.
cihojuda ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:46:54 on September 20, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
That's beautiful
finallyinfinite ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 06:22:56 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
THIS IS THE GREATEST ANSWER
ryancm8 ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 06:58:04 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
some of that delicious fake
dawgsjw ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 07:26:39 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Pics of wife with chocolate on her?
TrayvonBarksdaIe ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 08:56:30 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
/r/thathappened
madnus ยท -2 points ยท Posted at 07:24:40 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Except that never happened and you just want karma FUCK YOU
[deleted] ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 20:56:27 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)*
[deleted]
madnus ยท -5 points ยท Posted at 21:48:31 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Oh thats someone from my uni (we share this acc) ill have to ask him how its going
[deleted] ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 21:56:30 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)*
[deleted]
madnus ยท -1 points ยท Posted at 07:09:08 on September 18, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
It wasn't my little brother, this is literally a shared account.
[deleted] ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 08:22:16 on September 18, 2016 ยท (Permalink)*
[deleted]
madnus ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 19:55:38 on September 18, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Found the guy who didn't go to college.
therealMADNUS ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 20:03:49 on September 18, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
no college on the face of this planet would allow shared accounts, if nothing else to limit liability in case any dispute arises. And even if they did, it wouldn't be a reason to have a shared reddit account.
but if you cared to tell us which college you're talking about, we could quickly check their policies. Would that be oxford university, where you have never been? or some other university from oxford that has libraries with a similar name and a library card that looks the same? or the famous MADNUS university that doesn't exist on Google, has servers conveniently down and apparently harbors interesting characters? or maybe it is the Newcastle Academy, where you played as a midfielder until you got transferred to Totthenam?
madnus ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 20:25:07 on September 18, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
You made those up, the only university this account belongs to is M.A.D.N.U.S university which is on google, you just have to go a few pages through because its not american
[deleted] ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 20:50:28 on September 18, 2016 ยท (Permalink)*
[deleted]
madnus ยท -1 points ยท Posted at 23:28:14 on September 18, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Again, just because you havent experienced much outside, dosent mean its not there. A famous quote by a very wise buddhist:
When a tree falls in the forest, does nobody hear it?
Similar to your accusations. Just because you haven't heard of the university (because its european perhaps?) Dosent mean its not real.
Oh and the university only takes people who are mature and brainy, not 12 year old girls. We all represent the school and headteacher maturely and nobody will bring shame to our school as we are all adults.
therealMADNUS ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 00:01:20 on September 19, 2016 ยท (Permalink)*
the original is much more profound that you'll ever be able to grasp.
It goes like this: "when a tree falls in a forest and nobody is around, does it make a sound".
and it was not from a buddhist, wise or otherwise (see https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/If_a_tree_falls_in_a_forest), although I cannot be sure that no Buddhist has elaborated on some similar concepts ever. And so probably did Greek philosophers.
now what this original or your version has anything to do with the fact that madnus exists only in your sick mind, we do not know.
you mean the non-existent university takes normal people in and turn them into, ... into you? then humanity can be glad it doesn't exist.
therealMADNUS ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 20:49:23 on September 18, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
all those university are in your post history, the only I've made up is the Newcastle Academy. And the story of the Oxford library card was sweetly sad.
madnus is not on Google because google doesn't index your mind. URL, please?
madnus ยท -1 points ยท Posted at 21:34:52 on September 18, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Im on the app atm ill give you the url tomorrow, and the oxford thing was part of an exchange, i thought it was obvious. M.A.D.N.U.S is a top university and we regularly share research with cambridge/oxford, the ID was proif of that.
therealMADNUS ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 21:48:07 on September 18, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
tomorrow, tomorrow, there's always a tomorrow. We're still waiting for those RPG tiles of yours. And you're on an app connected enough to do reddit, but not connected enough to to check a freaking URL, if you even don't remember it by heart, which is hard to believe.
Tomorrow MADNUS will continue its non-existence, as it will the day after tomorrow. And you'll continue to be the sorry excuse for a human being that you're today.
the only obvious thing here is the sad state of whatever remains of your mind.
the ID was initially proof that you where at Oxford. When you were proven lying you said "oh, you meant Oxford UK?" and then made up the story of a university that had a library w/ the same name (and I guess surprisingly similar ID cards). Cambridge was not in that lie.
MadnusLIES ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 01:42:33 on September 19, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Hey, he's got proif.
madnus ยท -1 points ยท Posted at 23:43:57 on September 18, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Youll look silly tomorrow when i link you to our website :)
MadnusLIES ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 01:44:28 on September 19, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
The only person who looks silly is you. You're not convincing at all. All across this site, you try to make arrogant statements and get called out, and you get easily tripped up. You struggle to keep your stories straight, so you make up that 'other people use your account as well'. You are a sad liar, and you need to give this up. Nobody believes you, you have no credibility, and it will improve your life to give this up.
You are currently a liar, but you don't have to continue.
madnus ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 09:28:01 on September 19, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Sorry, what was that?
therealMADNUS ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 13:59:09 on September 19, 2016 ยท (Permalink)*
a joke, I guess (and before you edit/delete your post, the link is http://h518322.wixsite.com/madnusuniversity, screenshots have been taken).
a single page you cooked up using the free version of wix.com.
moron.
I mean: ยฉ 2023 by UNIVERSITY OF LIFE. Proudly created with Wix.com
really? moron.
and typos on that one single page: There are Universitys all over Europe!.
moron.
and grammar errors on that one single page: We have many awards and even rated #1 University many times.
moron.
madnus ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 14:30:01 on September 19, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
As i said, the website is a WIP, it takes alot of time to get all the pictures/graphics to focus on the spelling
therealMADNUS ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 14:42:20 on September 19, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
moron
madnus ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 15:47:13 on September 19, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I know you are but what am i? :) salty you got proofed wrong eh?
dontfeedthemadnus ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 18:28:28 on September 19, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Don't feed the madnus
Jericho4l ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 18:20:45 on September 19, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
That piece of crap website took too much time to worry about spelling and grammar? Why would a university use a free website builder? Even the smallest of universities would have an IT department to handle the hosting and building of its website. Or did they let the 74 year old premier league playing video game designing SAS member design it? If the video games he develops are anything like the website his school uses he will need to find another line of work. I wouldn't want to put him in charge of snake control in Ireland. I haven't laughed so hard at someone else's pitiful attempt to prove themselves right to internet strangers in a while. All that you have proven here is that you are still shit at lying. You are pathetic and your attempts to prove Reddit wrong are lamentable.
madnus ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 19:16:10 on September 19, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Moron, those are different people the 74 year old is the caretaker he isnt the head of IT
therealMADNUS ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 19:36:37 on September 19, 2016 ยท (Permalink)*
wow, he learnt a new word, it took only 4 repetitions!
maybe if we insist enough we might be able to teach him about 'proof' (a noun, as a verb it doesn't mean what he thinks it means) and 'to prove' (which is what he's typically looking for without finding it), and while we're at it, we can add that 'proif' doesn't exist in conventional English.
then try to switch them, because the head of IT is a non-existing incompetent; and the non-existing 74 year old has plenty of free time given that he's playing FIFA.
Moron. No, he already knows that one, let's try 'false proofs provider trying to prove the unprovable'Jericho4l ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 20:05:28 on September 19, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I once tried showing him the diffence between proof and prove by posting a link to Dictionary.com and Merriam-Webster and he said "anyone can post incorrect information to the internet, go read a paper dictionary". He would know all about posting fake information on the internet. Maybe we should request a paper copy of his "university" handbook.
[deleted] ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 20:09:51 on September 19, 2016 ยท (Permalink)*
[deleted]
madnus ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 21:19:58 on September 19, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I linked a website which is proof of the university and people being real so there
therealMADNUS ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 21:39:02 on September 19, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
wow again: for the first time since ever he used 'proof' correctly. Unfortunately the rest of the sentence is not up to par with this achievement.
that site only proves that you're an idiot, not that we needed proofs for that (see, proves-proof)
Jericho4l ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 21:39:09 on September 19, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
That website isn't proof of anything beyond the fact that you took the time and very little effort to create a crudely designed webpage on a free website builder to try and sustain your lies.
madnus ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 21:47:58 on September 19, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Photos dont take themselfs, the web team spent weeks getting everything ready for the website launch ot just isnt finished to perfecto yet
therealMADNUS ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 22:03:38 on September 19, 2016 ยท (Permalink)*
now we have a non-existent web team as well?
Photos don't take themselves? that is indeed right, you took them from the web, all four of them. This is just one I was bored enough to search (you know there's this search for images thing?):
first image.
second image
third image
I frankly don't care about extracting the last image from the background.
Weeks? this is something even somebody like you can put together in an hour or so. Your web team is scamming you.
madnus ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 06:46:45 on September 20, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
You do realise if its on google it means its on a website right? Aka ours. What are you trying to proof nobody beliefs you lol
therealMADNUS ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 13:19:57 on September 20, 2016 ยท (Permalink)*
Is there a limit to your stupidity? the only site with those images that is not indexed by Google is yours. So much for that pile of crap 'took a long time because 4 photos don't take themselves'.
You clearly grabbed a few photos, drag-and-drop them on a pre-made template on a free web-preparation/hosting service. Up to here everything was reasonably professional (except for the advertisement for the free service, of course). Then you added text, 5 or 6 sentences with enough errors to let us know you actually did that part.oh, fuck. And when I just started to hope we were past proof/prove...
Edit: not even that much. He just added errors to a pre-built template without even grabbing photos from the web. the realMADNUS University coming when I get the entire 2 minutes it took to this idiot to come up with his ... prove? proif? proof? well, one of those. Not as important as the question: When a tree falls in the forest, does nobody hear it?
Edit: and after a whole 10 minutes of hard work by my entire web team, I present you with therealMADNUSUniversity. Apologizes if it is not finished to perfecto yet. Moron.
Jericho4l ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 07:27:41 on September 20, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Except your "university" website does not show up on google and the building you stole an image of is at Southern Methodist.
therealMADNUS ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 16:16:21 on September 20, 2016 ยท (Permalink)*
hold your fire :-)
he didn't steal the images, they came w/ the pre-built theme he used.
here's therealMADNUSUniversity, we're open for business.
[deleted] ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 19:55:44 on September 20, 2016 ยท (Permalink)*
[deleted]
MadnusLIES ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 23:25:14 on September 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
This has me rolling. As a fellow "this guy is incredibly full of shit" person, I applaud your effort. I'm starting to get concerned about two things though... that he refuses to acknowledge his blatant lies, and honestly, that he can't even get any better at this. He's been lying for a long time now, you think he'd get a tad more skillful in deception. It's sad and getting sadder.
madnus ยท -1 points ยท Posted at 20:33:41 on September 20, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Congrats youve learned how to steal someones website though have fun getting sued millions of euros i hope you can afford it :)
therealMADNUS ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 21:19:27 on September 20, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
quite frankly, stop doing this to yourself;
go get a new email address, register a new reddit nick and start afresh.
or keep going like this, it is fun for us; but you? you have to live with yourself for the rest of your life and believe me, it is not going to be a good company unless you change your ways drastically.
madnus ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 21:29:14 on September 20, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Which member of M.A.D.N.U.S university was this adressed to?
therealMADNUS ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 21:34:57 on September 20, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
none of them, which makes it also all of them.
or something in between
[deleted] ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 20:41:02 on September 20, 2016 ยท (Permalink)*
[deleted]
madnus ยท -1 points ยท Posted at 20:50:46 on September 20, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Idc say what you want but we all know we are real when your just jelous of us and will soon be bankrupt for copyright
therealMADNUS ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 21:12:55 on September 20, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
that court appearance would be something:
the botanist, the history professor, the FIFA player, the swedish, the paramedic, the historian, the professional photographer, the freedom figher, the premiere league player
your Honor, we have this copyright 2023 to defend in the name of a non-existent University of Life, also known as MADNUS, equally non-existent; because, you Honor, we exist, we are on google, you just have to scroll a few pages, maybe because we're in Europe? yes, the website is not finished to perfecto, but still we have our rights. Sorry if we don't have apostrophes on our keyboards.
and the judge will go silent for a while and then hardly staying serious, he would whisper "moron, you haven't proofed anything, but tell me again that thing of the tree in the forest"
MadnusLIES ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 23:22:37 on September 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Hey, he was a weed farmer in France too!
Jericho4l ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 21:17:12 on September 20, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Haha good luck with that. You being a fucking idiot and all, I doubt anyone is worried about being sued by a non-existent institution though. And if that shit design of a website is worth millions then I just realized I'm richer than Bill Gates.
Jericho4l ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 22:21:43 on September 19, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
*themselves
Jericho4l ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 19:33:42 on September 19, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Smh. Bright as a black hole and twice as dense.
dontfeedthemadnus ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 20:04:48 on September 19, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
dont feed the madnus
therealMADNUS ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:55:38 on September 20, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
yep, we should write a bot that watches reddit for any post of his and replies DONT.FEED.THE.MADNUS
let's hope madnus still posts under that name, it would be a pity to migrate all those users to a new shared account.
therealMADNUS ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:46:41 on September 18, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
no, you're literally an idiot.
stuai ยท -1 points ยท Posted at 08:52:57 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Does anyone else find this one cringey?
TheFerg69 ยท -2 points ยท Posted at 06:14:05 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
But when did he get the 100 dollars from Einstein?
echolax ยท 7561 points ยท Posted at 23:44:03 on September 16, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
The kid who plays Mike from "Stranger Things" was on Jimmy Fallon's show. The kid was trying to read a note card that was for one of the games they were playing on the show. The kid mike struggles to read the card and jimmy says, "Can you read?"Mike says,"Can you host?" I laughed way to hard at this savagery.
JustSomethingStupid ยท 2007 points ยท Posted at 03:41:55 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Link. it's at 3:50
He actually wasn't struggling to read it. He hadn't picked up the card yet.
Tankers ยท 182 points ยท Posted at 04:38:13 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Its called a fireback!
Butterpickle ยท 565 points ยท Posted at 04:37:38 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
damn Millie can rap
OneTripleZero ยท 107 points ยท Posted at 05:31:29 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Yeah she crushed that. It's actually the highlight of the video hands down.
No-Spoilers ยท 81 points ยท Posted at 05:24:05 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I love her accent. I want to marry someone that sounds like that
NursingNinja ยท 215 points ยท Posted at 05:25:13 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
So you want to marry a child. Welcome to a list.
sushisection ยท 183 points ยท Posted at 05:30:28 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Nah he wants to marry a British person. Put him on the other list
GayFesh ยท 41 points ยท Posted at 05:35:50 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
The list of people who want to marry a Brit?
Pink_Flash ยท 41 points ยท Posted at 05:59:28 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
My husband was on that list before we tied the knot.
I live in the US now, it's certainly a great ice breaker when people hear the accent. Their pants just drop lol.
[deleted] ยท 7 points ยท Posted at 10:30:36 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I only started reading your comment in a British accent at "I live in the US now" because I just assumed he had settled with a basic American girl.
[deleted] ยท 9 points ยท Posted at 06:41:15 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)*
[deleted]
Pink_Flash ยท 33 points ยท Posted at 06:55:03 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Mines the stereotypical 'posh' sounding one too. I couldn't think of a better option for where I live now if asked. Great when meeting people, job interviews love it. "Sounds very professional" etc.
It sounds normal to me, but I'm glad it's turned out to be an asset. My husband is a southerner and I feel the same way about his accent. Just gets me going lol.
agitatedshovel ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 07:37:20 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Not quite in the same boat with my Manchester accent unfortunately haha
moofthestoof ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 11:34:46 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I used to work at walmart with an older Welsh lady who had a lovely RP accent. As a nerd that grew up in rural Arkansas (but don't sound like it, thankfully) I used to love chatting with her when we took cigarette breaks. I was still in college and hadn't travelled, yet. She was one of my few glimpses into a non-rural, non-Southern-US world.
Pink_Flash ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:40:11 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Oh nice. RP happens to be what I use too.
GLMonkey ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 12:19:10 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Don't you mean pantaloons or knickers?
man_on_a_screen ยท -2 points ยท Posted at 06:14:26 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Probably a much shorter list.
No-Spoilers ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 05:59:35 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I'm already on the list.
AndydeCleyre ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:16:53 on September 18, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Ah, the two lists.
sushisection ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:20:54 on September 18, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
British and a Pedophile? Sign him up for Parliament!
BrotherChe ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 07:16:54 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
So the Benedict Arnold list.
warmechanic ยท 15 points ยท Posted at 07:51:06 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
If anyone reads my comment, go into it knowing this is stupid, hardly relevant, and me just talking about my life.
There's this girl in my English class, was born in England. I tried to introduce myself and sat next to her after class was over. I didn't prepare myself with questions, so here I am, searching for questions to avoid awkward long pauses and this guy walks up and starts to answer questions for her. Little did I know it was a friend of hers. It was very much uncomfortable for me to say the least.
Next time we had class together, I avoided all eye contact with the pretty girl with an accent because I was embarrassed of the first impression I gave.
Yesterday, we were assigned to meet in front of the museum on campus and I she's the first person I recognize from class, not sitting with anyone, and just before I go to sit down, we lock eyes, she smiles, and Mr. warmechanic somehow finds the courage once again to sit next to her. This time without the darn cockblock and it was almost like last week didn't happen.
So, I'm excited to share to reddit that possible my next girlfriend will happen to have the cutest accent ever. Though!โ without ever hearing her voice, she happened to be the first girl that crossed eyes with me.
Gosh, I'm turning back into a giddy 12 year old boy.
Sorry reddit, see you at r/cringe.
shmixel ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 08:11:02 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
good luck! you seem to have redeemed yourself, which is more than any of r/cringe can say
[deleted] ยท 14 points ยท Posted at 08:31:27 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
[deleted]
warmechanic ยท 7 points ยท Posted at 08:41:47 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I have a bald spot on my neckbeard sadly, now that it's the weekend, I'll embrace it, but Monday it's got to go!
Smigg_e ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 09:43:10 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
So British?
OxvFer0cdak ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 10:06:49 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Even English people are like, "Dat accent."
IdrissaKing ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 21:04:09 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Then just move the certain area of England where people talk like that. Shouldn't be too hard, accents are being wiped out in England.
EMINEM_4Evah ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 07:02:17 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Bars
zombie_JFK ยท 8 points ยท Posted at 06:05:54 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
really the only worthwhile part of that video
Latenius ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 10:11:22 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Holy shit. No doubt.
payperplain ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:00:08 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I mean not quickly. She can speak rhyming words slowly to a beat. I doubt she could keep up with an actual rap artist.
Green-Brown-N-Tan ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:33:40 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)*
Better than the original too.
Edit: I got down voted because I think a 12 year old girl raps better than Nikki Minaj? Kinda sad.
trisci ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 06:18:03 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I like how e was like "OH SHIT!"
Islanduniverse ยท 29 points ยท Posted at 05:31:35 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
If you don't think these kids are amazing, you have no soul.
wildism ยท 12 points ยท Posted at 08:07:51 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Yeah right?! I was watching this thinking, "Jesus christ, I wish I was that cool when I was their age..."
[deleted] ยท 18 points ยท Posted at 08:57:35 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Imagine being like 12 years old or whatever and admitting in front of millions of people that you cried because of a fire alarm or sleep with a night light, and completely own it like that. Really cool, I couldve never pulled that off at that age.
[deleted] ยท 65 points ยท Posted at 04:41:19 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
[deleted]
gatorbite92 ยท 22 points ยท Posted at 05:13:04 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Holy shit that was solid
NinjamonkeySG ยท 15 points ยท Posted at 05:40:41 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Yooo her rap to Monster was actually fire tho
_its_a_SWEATER_ ยท 8 points ยท Posted at 06:09:26 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
These kids are rad.
JustZisGuy ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 06:03:32 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
FWIW, you can jump right to the relevant bit if you add to the link:
http://youtu.be/fbqiN9hHyJo?t=230
OxvFer0cdak ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 10:09:46 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Just to do some mopping up for other people, you can right click on a YouTube video and select "Copy video URL at current time".
JustSomethingStupid ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 12:46:04 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Sorry, I was on my phone and didn't know how from there. Thanks!
saichampa ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 06:42:23 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
That was awesome
saranowitz ยท 11 points ยท Posted at 06:35:30 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
The chemistry these kids have is amazing. Whomever cast them is a fucking genius.
What an absolute joy of a clip to watch. Say what you want about Fallon but he really knows how to humanize his guests.
klethra ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 06:54:37 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
"Whoever," but yes. That was some great late-night television.
[deleted] ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 13:09:54 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
"Whoever." "Who" is the person doing something. "Whom" is the person that "Who" is doing something to.
BlackMoth27 ยท 9 points ยท Posted at 05:41:47 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
you know https://youtu.be/fbqiN9hHyJo?t=3m50s is the proper link.
FranklyDear ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 08:19:04 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Haha I'm actually surprised that the kids held up their own. Solid rap
itachifan035 ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 13:39:15 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I like the kid going ohhh after that
thetrueBAUSE ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 14:33:15 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Youtuber Shawn Thomas with the gold ""Can I read? Can you host?" DAMN MIKE GOING FROM DUNGEONS AND DRAGONS TO ROASTING REAL QUICK๏ปฟ"
muffy2008 ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 23:29:48 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
That would be a fun party game.
erinno ยท 1699 points ยท Posted at 03:24:33 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
The funnier thing about this is he was also so shocked with what he said lmao kids and their lack of filter are sometimes really great
[deleted] ยท 100 points ยท Posted at 04:09:15 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
The only thing, though, is I think it's gonna be like The Breakfast Club, where in 20 years, people are gonna trace their careers. I think a few of them will be big stars, a few of them will have middling careers, and one will have some drug problems.
It's like the other kid in The Explorers, the one who wasn't River Phoenix or Ethan Hawke. Where's he now?
erinno ยท 62 points ยท Posted at 04:19:03 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
well that's unavoidable i guess :/ but i am counting on Eleven and Dustin to get far. i just hope they make the most out of their careers right now because damn,,,Stranger Things is a great show and they're a bunch of talented kids who seem p chill and let us cross our fingers that none of them becomes a methhead or something :^(
awesmazingj ยท 20 points ยท Posted at 05:11:19 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Well Gaten already has a pretty solid stage career he can always go back to if screen doesn't work out. So he will always have work, granted he doesn't fall into substance abuse.
erinno ยท 17 points ยท Posted at 05:14:03 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
he sings so well and is so talented i hope he is smart enough too to know better. anyway... I wanna befriend all the kids on that show but that is called being Creepy nowadays
PeteKachew ยท 11 points ยท Posted at 06:52:41 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I mean it's creepy anydays if you track them down to be friends with them. If you happen to bump into them and hit it off and become friends then that's normal
Moosemancer ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 10:44:33 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Gaten grew up in my town and went to my old middle school. really awesome kid.
Chadsfavorite ยท 9 points ยท Posted at 05:31:51 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Millie bobby brown was already a named actor before stranger things. She was in csi and. A few other fox shows. This was like her lead actress role
FBIDIRECTOR ยท 28 points ยท Posted at 06:39:46 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Yeah I think Winona Ryder might make it big one day.
erinno ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 09:16:06 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
winona 4ever xo
rocketshipray ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 14:08:17 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Wino forever FTFY
FisterMantasticPHD ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:31:11 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
She'll steal the show eventually.
Cavewoman22 ยท 26 points ยท Posted at 04:46:02 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I sure as hell hope it isn't Millie. Or any of the kids, really.
pleasetrimyourpubes ยท 24 points ยท Posted at 06:06:47 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Child actors are like lottery winners now, they put a lot of effort into keeping them from going to the dark side. Look at the Harry Potter series. From what I gather they're nurturing innocence in them and not letting them grow up too fast. But you are probably right, half of them are type cast to fuck anyway.
Sangui ยท 17 points ยท Posted at 09:43:42 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Daniel Radcliffe was an alcoholic through like three of the Harry Potter movies and he says he doesn't remember filming them. He just realized he was fucking up and fixed that shit
pleasetrimyourpubes ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 09:45:28 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Wow, that's crazy. I didn't know.
mikeyros484 ยท 9 points ยท Posted at 13:21:18 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I imagine this picture was taken during one of those years.
Smoothos ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 11:38:36 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Like that horse from "Horsing Around"
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:18:02 on September 18, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Well where the hells River now?
CoSonfused ยท -2 points ยท Posted at 07:35:10 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I wonder who'll have the eventual sextape leaked while their career is at a low point and low media attention.
expateli ยท 16 points ยท Posted at 09:15:28 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
It's funny because nobody ever tells Jimmy that shit to his face, they say it to other famous people - just listen to the most recent "You Made It Weird" podcast with Bo Burnham. He shits on Jimmy hard, and without subtlety. It was awesome.
erinno ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 09:17:59 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
tbh Finn (Mike) should've also asked him "can your laugh be any faker?"
[deleted] ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 15:23:41 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)*
[deleted]
expateli ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:38:01 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Yeah, 3rd one I guess. It's fucking 3 hours long but I really enjoyed it. Pete might have gotten a hernia from bursting out in laughter throughout much of the podcast. Is recommend it, great convo.
redditready1986 ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 07:37:47 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I wish I was considered great for my lack of filter :(
I_would_kill_you ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 10:27:38 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
This is sarcasm, right? Did I notice sarcasm all by myself in the wild?
[deleted] ยท 26 points ยท Posted at 05:44:20 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
[deleted]
TenTonsOfAssAndBelly ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 06:42:24 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
They only thing I'm taking away from that is that if Sharon did ask that, then that's an incredibly narrow minded and forward thing to say.
Jmandr2 ยท 8 points ยท Posted at 06:33:15 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Can we take a moment to talk about his name. Finn Wolfhard? This kid doesn't grow up to be the greatest action hero of all time I'm gonna be severely disappointed.
Callistaaa ยท 66 points ยท Posted at 02:45:55 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
The answer is no; no, he can't.
Donkey__Xote ยท -1 points ยท Posted at 05:01:47 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I'm going to assume that you're referring to Fallon.
astralellie ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 06:24:28 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
The best part is that it was complete instinct for this like 10 year old kid to destroy with a comeback, he even shocked himself with it.
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 12:33:02 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
He's 13. My nephew is the same age, and I can tell you that savagery is normal. Haha. They probably rib each other like that off camera so much that he forgot that he wasn't talking to one of his mates.
astralellie ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 04:33:15 on September 18, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Little bastard got away with it too.
ok2nvme ยท 37 points ยท Posted at 02:10:24 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
The answer is no. No, he cannot.
captars ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 05:57:18 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I miss Craigy Ferg.
OxvFer0cdak ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 10:11:34 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
https://youtu.be/7BV8Tc479Tg?t=13
heyyouwtf ยท 10 points ยท Posted at 03:09:28 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
D. All of the above
2hoodrich4me ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 04:50:50 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
"I dont know, that depends. Can you go fuck yourself?"
xRoisinDubh ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 05:25:16 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Boom roasted.
IAmTehKodo ยท 25 points ยท Posted at 02:35:15 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
The answer is no, no he can't.
HeySweetUsernameBro ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 04:14:50 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
the answer
isnonohecannotCalmMango ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 04:22:29 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
My hero
smallish_cub ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 05:25:00 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
That kid is savage! As much as I liked the segment, that comment really made it
GonzoHST ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 10:56:02 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
4000+ upvotes for what basically equates to "I know I am, but what are you"?
Jesus Christ, Reddit. You're so embarrassing sometimes with your ridiculous circle jerks. The show really wasn't that good. You don't have to upvote EVERYTHING to do with it.
exploitativity ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 03:11:06 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
The answer is no. No, he can't.
sojoe17 ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 03:01:25 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
no
MukKolgi ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 07:44:56 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Kids sometimes have the best comebacks. A few years back, a Danish girl won the Junior song contest. In a Radio interview people could call in and ask questions, but the people who called in where older and asked all sorts of weird questions. One guy asked what purchase she regretted the most, to which she replied (not missing a beat): "i'm elleven years old".
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 07:53:53 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Didn't even pick up the card you fuck, enjoy your karma!
coachrx ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 08:06:34 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
That spontaneous response is golden. I would say a 1/5 lifetime success rate would be about average on a knee jerk comeback being that well received. Now we have all the time in the world to research, brainstorm, even get some peer feedback before carefully crafting a text message or posting on the internet.
edit: Hell, that clip may have even been scripted, but I think my point remains valid.
Dotattoo ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 08:57:17 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Did you happen to mention this to someone in a bowling alley?
notsherriseeley ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 14:23:10 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
For some reason I just can't stand Jimmy Fallon.
Crown4King ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:25:22 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Damn all of them are very charismatic
SkrublordPrime ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:07:47 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Even children think Fallon's obnoxious
icebrotha ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:45:48 on September 23, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
How was that a great comeback? Lol what?
Damian4447 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 10:59:27 on September 23, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Holy fuck you were right, I guess Reddit is predictable
Yohanaten ยท -1 points ยท Posted at 03:33:16 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
The answer happens to be no, no he cannot.
ToastTickets ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:52:00 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Link?
bivenator ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:44:26 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Kid was fucking savage
INHALE_VEGETABLES ยท -3 points ยท Posted at 03:38:15 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
The answer is no; fuck no.
nooneiller ยท -4 points ยท Posted at 03:54:46 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
The answer is no; no, he cannot.
pyromaniac112 ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 05:36:28 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
"Then climb in it, to soothe that burn." Is what I'm imagining being said next.
bornfrustrated ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 07:58:21 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I'm a shit actor (Okay director). I laugh at things in that show that are not jokes.
[deleted] ยท 2225 points ยท Posted at 17:18:40 on September 16, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
A guy with a bad leg was talking to a workmate giving him shit for when he goes out drinking cause he stumbles and wobbles all over the place and my work mate said to him "What the fuck you talking about, you walk like that when you're sober"
gringo_neenja ยท 46 points ยท Posted at 00:51:21 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Is the dude with the bad leg named Phil? Because I totally know a guy named Phil like that.
Birddawg65 ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 05:41:17 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Haha weird, me too.
[deleted] ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 08:41:23 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Nah his name was mark
Rivkariver ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:58:28 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I once knew a man with a wooden leg named Smith.
closefamilyties ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 05:28:47 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
yes
CagedWire ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 13:15:58 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Na his name is Peg.
PM_YOUR_CENSORD ยท 62 points ยท Posted at 01:47:59 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
sounds lame
[deleted] ยท -11 points ยท Posted at 03:10:50 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Lolololol
random_person_3 ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 04:54:14 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I have a wobble as well you get effective at responding to those shots
[deleted] ยท -48 points ยท Posted at 05:13:12 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
[deleted]
Akyrael ยท 14 points ยท Posted at 06:41:30 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
You're cabbage.
Lachwen ยท 500 points ยท Posted at 05:06:59 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Oh man, it was me and I'm still ridiculously proud of it.
A bit of context is necessary here. I was volunteering to help out with active shooter training for newly hired cops. Basically they took over my old high school for a week during the summer and took turns pretending to be a gunman in the school, while the other cops rotated through in teams of four to sweep the building for the shooter. I and a bunch of other folks were there to play the parts of panicked students, to make it more realistic. The cops and the shooter were all armed with airsoft weapons.
On the last day I was the only volunteer to show up, so instead of playing victim they let me be the shooter. Which was fucking AWESOME, I got to run around my old high school shooting at cops with an airsoft AR-15 and not only didn't get in trouble for it, they thanked me.
Now, the simulations didn't end until I, as the shooter, was neutralized. Then we would all go back to the starting point where the other cops were waiting to debrief with the trainers. After one simulation one of the waiting cops asked me "So, did they kill ya?"
"Yeah," I said, "they shot me in the ass! Who shoots a person in the ass?"
Cop got a self-satisfied grin on his face and drawled "Weeelllll, they do teach us to aim for the largest part of a person..."
I feel it necessary to point out that I'm a 5'4.5" girl and weighed about 125 pounds soaking wet at that point.
The other cops all started laughing, and I just smiled sweetly at him and said "Well then, I guess you'll never have to worry about anyone aiming between your legs, will you?"
The other cops started howling with laughter, the one female cop there practically fell off her chair laughing, and the cop who'd needled me only managed to say "Hey!" in an aggrieved tone. That was something like ten years ago and I'm still proud of it.
McDouggal ยท 31 points ยท Posted at 15:29:08 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
That half inch is important!
Said by both you and the cop.
OneMoreSoul ยท 21 points ยท Posted at 14:36:06 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
"5'4.5" Just had to throw that half in there, didn't you.
Lachwen ยท 16 points ยท Posted at 17:11:08 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Well I can't truthfully say I'm 5'5". That half-inch is very important.
Belvoth ยท 22 points ยท Posted at 18:46:32 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
That cop probably feels the same way
[deleted] ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 19:36:15 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Man, and you can't let people think you're one of those 5'4" peasants. Fuck those losers.
ultimamax ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 15:27:58 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
You take what you can get
RockTheMouse ยท 9 points ยท Posted at 16:07:56 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Solid story but now I am intrigued by a booty so fine a cop told her about it
cinnmarken ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 00:03:10 on September 18, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
This is so glorious
breakingcups ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 07:25:16 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I've read this before
Lachwen ยท 30 points ยท Posted at 08:05:18 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Probably the last time I posted it.
breakingcups ยท 12 points ยท Posted at 08:12:38 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
That's it! Brilliant story, thanks!
Connoire ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:41:50 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
10/10
WilliamSyler ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:30:09 on September 18, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
So this is why the cops have gotten more violent; it was you!
OhRyann ยท 2291 points ยท Posted at 03:44:17 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
My assistant manager at work was dealing with a black couple one day, pulling something for them out of layaway. He's covered from his neck down in tattoos. They started staying stuff like "Your mama should spank you for having all those tattoos" and other things about them. After about 4 different things they said, he looks at them and says
"You know, I really don't like being judged by the color of my skin."
They didn't say another word until he told them to have a nice day.
shanerz ยท 392 points ยท Posted at 06:49:02 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
He handled that good. Buy that man a beer for me one day.
BaeCaughtMeLifting ยท 25 points ยท Posted at 09:20:19 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
He smaht
Cthulhu__ ยท 15 points ยท Posted at 09:48:36 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
He loyal
an_undesirable ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 11:17:32 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
He learners
[deleted] ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 12:33:59 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
[deleted]
_Ross- ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 13:56:52 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Easy Mario
Shredded_Cunt ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 14:59:14 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Wicked smaht
[deleted] ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 16:23:04 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Wicked smaht, bab.
Thejestersfool ยท 45 points ยท Posted at 06:52:17 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
This one is fucking awesome
CloudBoy416 ยท 88 points ยท Posted at 06:13:18 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Double standards can be so beautiful.
TrashCastle ยท 89 points ยท Posted at 07:18:42 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
That's not really a fair double standard, as tattoos are a personal choice, whereas your racial background is not.
CloudBoy416 ยท 179 points ยท Posted at 07:35:47 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
What comes out of someones mouth is also a choice. They didn't have to say word one about his tattoos. Instead they chose to judge him, and they chose to verbalize a judgement based on an arbitrary external characteristic that was in all likelihood not indicative of his moral fiber. Sounds a lot like racism to me.
crazytacoman4 ยท 100 points ยท Posted at 08:03:23 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
You're throwing a lot of big words out there that I don't understand. Now, because I don't understand them, I'm gonna take it as disrespect, ok? Watch your mouth.
effin_marv ยท 10 points ยท Posted at 08:08:45 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Aim high, Willis! Aim high!
crazytacoman4 ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 16:09:40 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Is he your homie?
MaoChan ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 10:26:54 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
It's not all about the pussy juice cocktails or butthole pleasures.
Ajaxlancer ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 20:42:52 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Well fuck. I've been doing it wrong.
crazytacoman4 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:11:17 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
It is about connection. And children.
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:12:34 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
What is this quote from? I read it as Mal from Firefly.
crazytacoman4 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 16:15:37 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
40 year old virgin. Spoken by Kevin Hart
[deleted] ยท 20 points ยท Posted at 07:44:02 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Tatooism.
iloveopshit ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 13:39:29 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Tatoophobia
TrashCastle ยท 15 points ยท Posted at 08:08:06 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
It might be rude, but it's not a double standard, and criticizing someone's tattoos is certainly not the same thing as racism.
marr ยท 45 points ยท Posted at 08:48:57 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
It's coming from the exact same piece of lizard brain. This person looks different to me, treat them as lesser.
oiimn ยท 23 points ยท Posted at 13:35:25 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
but it has nothing to do with race, i hate to use this word but its just prejudice not racism
beezlehorn ยท -7 points ยท Posted at 14:17:02 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
They were probably just joking and trying to be funny. I've heard old white people say the same thing. The cashier then became butt-hurt and made it awkward.
Coffeezilla ยท 9 points ยท Posted at 08:49:36 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I could make a judgement about a person based on their skin. They could make a judgement about me on ink. If neither of us say those judgements, we're not complete assholes.
conquer69 ยท 10 points ยท Posted at 10:13:56 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
It's a double standard because the black couple is judging someone for their appearance while they dislike when the same is done to them.
Tattoos, race, being ugly, being poor, disease, etc. It's the same principle.
Flylighter ยท 42 points ยท Posted at 07:21:13 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Everyone get a load of Mister Life of the Party over here!
[deleted] ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 08:56:00 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
[removed]
TrashCastle ยท -5 points ยท Posted at 09:11:58 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Ah, a trump supporter.
[deleted] ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 09:20:42 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
[removed]
[deleted] ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 09:46:34 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
[deleted]
[deleted] ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 10:04:08 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
[removed]
TrashCastle ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 10:46:21 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
They were not being racist. Tattooed people are not a race.
TrashCastle ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 10:28:57 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I mentioned you're a trump supporter because I can read your posting history.
[deleted] ยท -1 points ยท Posted at 09:58:30 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
[deleted]
TrashCastle ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 10:44:09 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
https://www.washingtonpost.com/graphics/politics/2016-election/the-demographic-groups-fueling-the-election/ This was published yesterday.
RagingNerdaholic ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:28:18 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
No, but either way, someone is being needlessly judged.
And it's a great play on words.
reikken ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 21:19:11 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Even if being black were voluntary, why should that matter? Would you criticize someone for choosing to be black?
marr ยท -3 points ยท Posted at 08:50:38 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
They're equally valid reasons to prejudge people.
[deleted] ยท -5 points ยท Posted at 09:57:03 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
[deleted]
conquer69 ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 10:16:54 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Technically, they were not being racist but still discriminating and judging based on appearance. Racism is a subgroup of that, not the other way.
TrashCastle ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 10:30:32 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
ONCE AGAIN, tattoos are not a race.
beezlehorn ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 14:19:23 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Sshhh, whites have it tough in America. That black couple denied him a job because of his tattoos.
earthlings_all ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 12:09:40 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Bravo!
thor_moleculez ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 13:43:11 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
r/thathappened
_Ross- ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 13:57:55 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
/r/nothingeverhappens
00__00__never ยท -1 points ยท Posted at 10:48:31 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
BS, never happeneed
Double--Positive ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 11:34:50 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
/r/nothingeverhappens
[deleted] ยท -9 points ยท Posted at 07:50:16 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
[deleted]
HighVoltage32 ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 08:37:11 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Reverse racism is still racism?
charleydaawesome ยท 3658 points ยท Posted at 19:34:06 on September 16, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
"Haha your dad doesnt even look happy to see you"
"At least i have a fucking dad"
LesseFrost ยท 1571 points ยท Posted at 21:25:16 on September 16, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
What the fuck were you doing to go savage on Jesus.
[deleted] ยท 18 points ยท Posted at 04:24:20 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Jesus died on the cross and came back to life. I'm pretty sure he can handle catching these hands.
[deleted] ยท 64 points ยท Posted at 02:09:11 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Jesus has two dad's actually...
[deleted] ยท 47 points ยท Posted at 02:20:24 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I am my dad. No, the first one, not the second one. It's complicated.
willyolio ยท 16 points ยท Posted at 05:46:56 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
At least my family tree isn't a circle
theskydragon ยท 13 points ยท Posted at 07:03:06 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Jokes on you, being my own grandpa helps me save the universe.
[deleted] ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 10:38:23 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Fry?
omgsus ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 03:01:16 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
But not fucking ones.
robhol ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 09:17:57 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
The whole thing confuses me a bit, because I think you can even say he's got three and he is one of them. Christianity is crazy.
Vindexus ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:50:44 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
dads
onlineworms ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 22:34:58 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Nah he's going savage on Isaac.
Sub116610 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 05:08:49 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Holy shit, maybe they're right... Jesus was black
phineas_n_ferb ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 10:05:16 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
on Batman.
Jesuslordofporn ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 08:01:50 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Thats racist.
LesseFrost ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 15:10:06 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Relevant username
Jesuslordofporn ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 22:18:11 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Always.
Downbound92 ยท 64 points ยท Posted at 01:24:04 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Used this on a bully who's dad was a firefighter who died on 9/11 when he said something about my dad.
xXTheCitrusReaperXx ยท 27 points ยท Posted at 01:41:49 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Shit...
TL10 ยท 14 points ยท Posted at 02:05:39 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Dude...
gritodedolores1946 ยท 12 points ยท Posted at 01:47:45 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Jesus.
Jogger312 ยท 8 points ยท Posted at 10:24:29 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
His dad ain't coming back to put that fire out.
ScottieKills ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:56:02 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
H O L Y S H I T
[deleted] ยท 13 points ยท Posted at 03:58:02 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
[deleted]
TrapHitler ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 04:42:41 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Moms spaghetti
_BEER_ ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:16:55 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Whoop there it is!
CaptainKabuki ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 06:12:24 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
You win.
benderisgreat356789 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:32:12 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
OP plz deliver!
TrapHitler ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 04:42:29 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Goddamn
cavsfan221 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:38:42 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
lmao
a_gay_narwhal ยท 8 points ยท Posted at 03:31:17 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
you are so lucky to have a fucking dad ,i just have the boring ole nonsexual dad
WolbachiaBurgers ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 00:59:21 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I use one on my girlfriend all the time. We have a good laugh about it
GloriousGardener ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 05:25:06 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
โAt least I have a father, Barry!โ
โDoes... Dur, are you implying my mother gave virgin birth?, or what are you? -โ
"No Barry, I was implying that... Actually I don't know what I was implying. I just said it."
SoUnhealthy ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 04:14:55 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Similar thing happened to me. I'm an Asian in non-Asian high school. We had a teacher who was Chinese with a heavy accent. One black kid told me "How is your dad doing, as a teacher?". I just told him "How is your dad, like in general?". I meant it as a racist joke, but it hurt cause his dad actually lives across the country.
velmarg ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 04:03:16 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Yeah, parents, you ever heard of those? We have parents that love us. You don't because you're a little orphan.
WV_Raider304 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 01:40:15 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
How dare you say that to Bruce Wayne
killyouwithmydick ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 04:11:13 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Simple. Brutal. Effective. Love it.
ProPandaBear ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:28:47 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I had a similar one in high school. I was explaining to a friend that my dad and I didn't really get along, and this guy (who was very open about the fact that he had two moms and his dad was a sperm donor) passed by and said "Wow, even your dad can't stand you".
My friend instantly replied "At least he has a dad instead of two moms and a chemistry set."
It wasn't exactly "savage", but I still laugh about it to this day. It was so quick witted I'm convinced it's a reference to something, but he wouldn't admit it and I could never figure out what.
Orrblunk ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 06:04:48 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
When people I knew (both in high school or in the work world) would complain about they're dad doing this or that I always chime in and say "at least you still have a dad."
My dad died of lung cancer when I was 18. Been killing conversations ever since.
DerangedDesperado ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 06:14:35 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
That's not even that good assuming the person's dad loved them. Haha at least I have a dad. Yeah but your dad hates you.
charleydaawesome ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 06:32:27 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
well i mean youre making a lot of assumptions there. my dad was in a bad mood, his dad left before he was born.
DerangedDesperado ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 06:57:48 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Im just taking this at face value. If your dad doesnt look happy when he sees you, its not really better than having no dad.
Cpt_Tripps ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 07:44:39 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I had a buddy who had a dad who died when he was like 14. Every once and a while he would try to guilt people with that fact. He tried that once on another buddy and I once. It did not go well.
Tries to guilt trip me.
Oh shit sorry man that must have been rough how old where you when your dad died?
I was 14.
Oh must have been nice to have a dad for 14 fucking years... Hey M how old where you when your dad ran out on you?
I was like 6. He legitimatly told my mom he was going out for a pack of smokes and never came back.
R is over here bitching about having a dad until he was 14.
This went on for a hour.
PM_ME_A_PM_PLEASE_PM ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 08:01:04 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
As a guy that didn't have a dad until I got an alcoholic stepdad, things could be worse.
cheese_ausar ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 08:53:41 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Thing is, they pull this off where I live. Except "dad" is replaced with "mom. And they ALL think it's some kind of fucking godsent comeback. So every day I hear kids going "lol haha least I got mom haha".
Basically "I fucked your mom" except even more annoying.
ImLikeAnOuroboros ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 10:07:50 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
As someone without a dad, this really isn't that bad.
xavier_grayson ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 12:28:07 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Were you talking to a black person?
charleydaawesome ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:09:36 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
No
GodOfAllAtheists ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 00:56:46 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Being fucked by your dad is now a good thing?
Touchmycooker ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 01:30:31 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Was it ever not?
[deleted] ยท 482 points ยท Posted at 02:42:52 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
"You're not pretty enough to be this stupid."
[deleted] ยท 15 points ยท Posted at 07:06:38 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I also say "It's a good thing you're pretty dear."
Bunslow ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 08:55:32 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I've heard that one before lol
medicmongo ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 11:59:23 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
All. The. Fucking. Time.
GeraldoLucia ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 07:27:18 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I got told I wasn't pretty enough for how quirky I am by a teacher once. I have Generalized Anxiety Disorder.
Mutinous_Turgidity ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 07:14:58 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
A girl in a bar once told me "you aren't cute enough to be this much of an asshole" my only reply was "well you're still here so I guess I am".
[deleted] ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 22:53:57 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
[deleted]
Mutinous_Turgidity ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:53:39 on September 23, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I've come to terms
[deleted] ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 07:40:01 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Patrice Oneal was the king of backhanded brutality, he once told a woman in the crowd something like "she's so gorgeous she probably thinks her vagina cleans itself." Ok, that's sort of more of a compliment, but he had others...
[deleted] ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 12:04:11 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Oh my, I just got how savage this really is. Calling them ugly and dumb.
Raibean ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 04:34:59 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Teen Wolf!
[deleted] ยท 9 points ยท Posted at 04:48:51 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Really? I heard that one from my mom.
Dakka_jets_are_fasta ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 06:47:42 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
She probably watched teen wolf.
Raibean ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 07:31:02 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Yeah, they have a stand up comedian playing Coach Finstock.
cardeeznutz ยท 93 points ยท Posted at 04:36:19 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
"I hope you choke and die" "I hope you burn and live" After I said it, we both just looked at each other with wide eyes for a bit.
ryan_503 ยท 1385 points ยท Posted at 03:15:19 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)*
I was a fat kid. Not anymore though. When I was 14 or so, my sister-in-law(older brother's wife) asked if I needed a training bra. Without even thinking, I asked if she was jealous(she's flat-chested). It was epic. She just stood there for a second and stormed off. It's been over 20 years and I'm fit and healthy and needless to say, she's still boobless. Why the fuck would an adult say something like that to a kid anyway? Edit: I'm a guy. I was a fat kid with man-boobs.
[deleted] ยท 477 points ยท Posted at 04:34:10 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Because they're really insecure and they think kids will be easier targets. If she has any subordinate coworkers I bet she's just as bad to them.
cc81 ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 18:27:07 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Or some people just do inappropriate jokes at times or does not think before they talk.
ChaosorFate2 ยท -6 points ยท Posted at 15:21:45 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Maybe she actually wanted to know. Maybe she was looking for a way to bond with her sister-in-law.
[deleted] ยท 7 points ยท Posted at 18:32:05 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
OP is a guy.
GorillaDownDicksOut ยท 38 points ยท Posted at 07:54:01 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Congrats on not being a kid anymore.
diffyqgirl ยท 71 points ยท Posted at 05:52:56 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Are you a dude?
ryan_503 ยท 50 points ยท Posted at 06:02:40 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Yes.
Pervertperfecto ยท 54 points ยท Posted at 07:14:32 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Ohhhhh I get it now... As wondering why it was insulting
melon_master ยท -6 points ยท Posted at 10:32:55 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Girls usually dont mention being fat as a kid.
Emphasises_Words ยท 14 points ยท Posted at 11:30:54 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
They also rarely use ryan in their usernames.
Pervertperfecto ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 18:36:49 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
One of my female work Friends is named that pronounced ry-anne
Space-Robot ยท 82 points ยท Posted at 06:23:41 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I was trying to figure out why this was called-for for a long time before I saw this comment.
Pizza_Delivery_Dog ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 11:30:06 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
OOOOOOOHH
Elite_AI ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 14:06:21 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
astralellie ยท 31 points ยท Posted at 06:38:13 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I ask myself that every time I've gone near my aunt my entire life, turns out she's just a neurotic bitch who doesn't understand children or that other people have feelings.
moon--moon ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 07:46:06 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Are you my sibling?
IamSnokeO_o ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 11:09:01 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
No, that's your nephew/niece.
moon--moon ยท 8 points ยท Posted at 12:33:22 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Oh snap. My sister is 3 months pregnant and the kid is already on reddit.
IamSnokeO_o ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 12:39:59 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Teach 'em young. Or unborn, that works too.
astralellie ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 04:32:32 on September 18, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Probably not because my only living sibling is her favourite
ShmuckDestroyer ยท 18 points ยท Posted at 05:50:15 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
My fiancรฉ has a younger brother and we poke fun at each other pretty often. We don't say anything that's unwarranted though and usually have a good laugh after making fun of each other a bit. More of just treat him like I would have treated a younger brother of my own if I ever had one. Real nice kid, charismatic, and I'm pretty sure he'll do good with whatever he sets his mind to.
I'm sorry you had to hear that crap, especially since it doesn't sound like one of those situations where you two knew each other well enough to try to joke about that kind of stuff.
TendiesOnTheFloor ยท 8 points ยท Posted at 06:27:17 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
happened to me as a teen with bad acne.. she of course will always remain ugly
Natiskarina ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 12:18:34 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I was wondering why was this insulting til I saw your username.
TheAsianTroll ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 07:43:03 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Insecurity issues. She was insecure about her flat chest so she tried to put it on someone who wasn't considered physically desirable.
ryan_503 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:56:15 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I agree. It's been happening since the beginning of time...putting someone else down to make yourself feel better.
UWAIN ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 09:46:26 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I was on high dose steroids from the age of 4 1/2. By the time I was 8 I'd had several people, including one adult, ask if I was pregnant. I still can't understand the mentality of that. Good on you for giving that back to her!
Mex-Box ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 07:58:51 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
That actually happened to me in high school gym. During swimming class. I was also fat.
dose_response ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 12:24:29 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Ive always carried a few extra pounds. Once, my boss came in, looked at my stomach and asked when I was due.
I said, "I tell you what ... let's go outside and I'll outrun you over any distance and pick you up and throw you around afterwards." Not witty, but effective.
[deleted] ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 14:15:02 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)*
[deleted]
ryan_503 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 14:55:55 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Looking back, I feel a little bad about it. Making fun of a person's body is a horrible thing to do, even if they deserve it. But as the saying goes, "Don't dish it out if you can't take it"
spawndon ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 07:18:36 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
"boobless" - now that's a word I will put to good use.
prefix_postfix ยท 10 points ยท Posted at 07:36:22 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
55378008?
SixCrazyMexicans ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 07:22:03 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Sorry, for the non-bra wearers of us. Could you explain what was meant by asking you if you wanted a training bra?
svefnpurka ยท 13 points ยท Posted at 08:06:39 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
OP is a guy and was overweight.
SixCrazyMexicans ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 10:35:42 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I see. I didn't pick up that op was a guy. Now it makes sense. Thank you
RQK1996 ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 09:18:40 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
guy had manboobs, SiL was insecure
SixCrazyMexicans ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 10:35:06 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Ah, ok. I guess I didn't pick up that op is a guy. Thank you
RQK1996 ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 10:35:56 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
well his username is Ryan and contextually I personally thought it was obvious
vortigaunt64 ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 06:49:49 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Something tells me she actually did have chest-envy.
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:03:39 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Roses are red
Tires are black
Why is your chest
As flat as your back?
uknownothingjuansnow ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:59:55 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)*
"Why, do you want to borrow it" would have worked also.
thegodfather0504 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:05:07 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
well,atleast she accepted defeat.If this kind of happened with my sister-in-law,there would be a shitstorm.
General-Z ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 12:37:46 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I want a manbra tho for my self esteem
D2theMcV ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:36:47 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Manzier
WillyWasASheepDog ยท -1 points ยท Posted at 09:37:05 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Maybe she was trying to start a desire in your head to lose weight. Looks like it worked.
ryan_503 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 14:52:48 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
She was, still is, and will always be a self-absorbed bitch. Let me assure you my well-being was the last thing on her mind.
Franktoberfest ยท 9500 points ยท Posted at 22:50:42 on September 16, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
"That's a nice jacket; does it come in men's?"
"I think you come in men enough for the both of us."
AsheAsheBaby ยท 1750 points ยท Posted at 00:03:13 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
You look like a 12 year old Dutch girl
SpaceCowboy58 ยท 654 points ยท Posted at 00:26:04 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Did your aesthetician coif that up for ya?
IAmALoafOfBreadAMA ยท 452 points ยท Posted at 00:46:31 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
You can kiss my aesthetician.
crckthsky ยท 447 points ยท Posted at 01:16:27 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
It's a hard life pickin' stones and pulling teats, but sure as God's got sandals, it beats fighting dudes with treasure trails.
tacticalpie ยท 51 points ยท Posted at 04:24:49 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
You're fucking 10 ply bud.
TheGorbsters ยท 11 points ยท Posted at 04:12:09 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I KNOW I've heard this before! What is it from again?
windydistance ยท 23 points ยท Posted at 04:17:04 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
TV show called letterkenny...there's also some shorts that came before it on YouTube and it might be from one of those
DubiousKing ยท 17 points ยท Posted at 04:45:21 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Letterkenny, as everyone else is saying. Specifically from this clip
TheGorbsters ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 04:58:34 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Thank you
_Sterling_Archer ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 04:17:15 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Letterkenny
thingreenlines ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 04:17:42 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Letterkenny
nowake ยท 8 points ยท Posted at 04:27:55 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Thank god I'm a country boy
ANorthman ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 13:20:39 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Well, Life's a bitch then ya marry one.
revel_stoke14 ยท 318 points ยท Posted at 02:33:54 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
How many times you pull your horn today bud? Ballpark 6-8? You're a fuckin animal.
ninja36036 ยท 188 points ยท Posted at 02:34:32 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Aw, she's bashful.
bshockme ยท 157 points ยท Posted at 02:42:53 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Come on kitten, I won't tell anyone
kevinthestick ยท 118 points ยท Posted at 03:15:22 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Why don't you go in the kitchen, mix up a fresh batch
onijin ยท 118 points ยท Posted at 03:34:14 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Play a little 5 on 1.
bmraovdeys ยท 124 points ยท Posted at 03:37:54 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Distribute some free literature
Abraxein ยท 28 points ยท Posted at 04:05:45 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Feed the ducks.
uncagedequation ยท 23 points ยท Posted at 04:11:58 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Go time!
EJisblazing ยท 21 points ยท Posted at 04:59:04 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Look at that fuckin treasure trail.
dwhitey724 ยท 15 points ยท Posted at 05:04:59 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Shed em!
zelmerszoetrop ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 06:02:54 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I feel like I'm missing a reference here...
TruthinessVonDee ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 06:04:37 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9rSBmOgpcDE
have fun
Scientolojesus ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 06:40:29 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
That was awesome.
"I'll never buy you a coke!"
wubbalubbaonelove ยท 16 points ยท Posted at 05:26:26 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
You guys do cross fit?
You can cross fuck off.
[deleted] ยท 12 points ยท Posted at 05:31:28 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Cross Fart
EasyxTiger ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 06:26:55 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
You do cross fit?
LelviBri ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 06:53:37 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
You can cross fuck off
zenofire ยท 10 points ยท Posted at 05:04:08 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Can one of you break the train long enough to tell some of us what's going on!?
redrider778 ยท 7 points ยท Posted at 05:11:10 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Letterkenny (tv show). Find it. It's life changing.
onijin ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 05:09:00 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Watch Letterkenny. Great show. These lines are the first 5 minutes of the first episode.
Pyrdwein ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 05:19:02 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Letterkenny, it's a Canadian show. Six episodes in the first season and it's hilarious. Season 2 comes out sometime this winter
Power_Knight ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 06:01:13 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Letterkenny is the show/YouTube series this train is from. Probably one of the funniest comedy series written in a long while, full of snappy comeback driven humor like this. It's very cleverly written and there are what I like to think of as the "prequel" episodes on YouTube which is the main characters talking about life in rural Canada. Definitely look it up!
vinnythehammer ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 06:18:04 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
http://youtu.be/9rSBmOgpcDE
alaska6 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:38:38 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I'm on mobile so I can't see if anyone else answered, but its part of a Canadian YouTube series called letterkenny problems and it's awesome.
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:38:39 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
YouTube letterkenny. You'll enjoy life more afterward.
And possibly grow a treasure trail.
Los_Accidentes ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:43:22 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Google Letterkenney. Prepare to laugh your ass off?
ThunderTofu ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 06:05:40 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Calm down a lil big chutes
Kwestionable ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 07:03:42 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Letterkenny
Demonic_Toaster ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 12:19:06 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Letterkenny season 1 seriously youtube it you'll laugh your head off.
kfd_capital ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 05:05:14 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Play a little 5-on-1? Distributing literature?
revel_stoke14 ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 05:48:05 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Hit the kitchen mix a batch. Feed the ducks.
HooglyBoogly ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 06:21:42 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Always bar-downski
ferret_80 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:18:34 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Aww he's bashful
WD-Fortay ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 07:34:39 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
What movie this from?
DeckerR ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 12:57:44 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Cool Runnings
Demonic_Toaster ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 12:17:47 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Do you Crossfit?
Demonic_Toaster ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 12:17:57 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
You can Crossfuck off!
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 08:43:27 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)*
[deleted]
Wombatapult ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 11:13:00 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
nacmar ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 06:54:26 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I was told something similar to this last year. I'm 27.
Jurjeneros ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 07:30:38 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I'm from the city where that girl is from, Groningen. I think it all happened in 2011. many jokes were made.
mcmark86 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 08:59:10 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
What's this a reference to?
Jurjeneros ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 09:10:59 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
12 year old girl got pregnant.
Gernerr ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 09:18:40 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
These references are actually from here and here.
RQK1996 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 09:05:31 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
please explain to the dutch guy?
[deleted] ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 14:53:52 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
These are all quotes from a Canadian TV show called Letterkenny
4609203 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 06:07:29 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
It's hard being short
FLeXyo ยท -4 points ยท Posted at 04:28:59 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
To be Anne Frank
runhaterand ยท -11 points ยท Posted at 02:22:16 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
And your father smells of elderberries.
Lowdownsound ยท 317 points ยท Posted at 00:55:53 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
That there's the toughest man in Letterkenny.
TuathaDeDanaan ยท 22 points ยท Posted at 03:46:42 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
You're made of spare parts, aren't ya, bud?
Lowdownsound ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 05:40:27 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Wheel, snipe, celly boys.
[deleted] ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 14:51:27 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Dirty fucking dangles, boys
DPooly1996 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 20:59:01 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
dibs on digies
HighRelevancy ยท 9 points ยท Posted at 01:22:04 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
<toot>
leftysarepeople2 ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 06:18:44 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Only if they can make it to Thunder Bay in 14 hours
SilverEqualsChill ยท 9 points ยท Posted at 06:16:36 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
r/unexpectedireland
Homusubi ยท 10 points ยท Posted at 09:34:01 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Why is this not a subreddit?!
P.S. TIL there is a place called Letterkenny that isn't the one in Ireland.
[deleted] ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 14:17:50 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
There's a show that takes place in the fictional Canadian town called Letterkenny. The one in Ireland is supposedly real, but I can't confirm. The one in Canada definitely is fictional though.
ItsPrimetime ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:19:14 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
There actually is a letterkenny Ontario
DPooly1996 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 21:02:16 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Letterkenny was a small crossroads hamlet in Renfrew County that was settled in the 1870s. During its best days it had a store, post office, saw and flour mills and a small Lutheran church, built around 1881.
Letterkenny was always a small place with an average population of around 50. Like most small farming hamlets, it began to decline in the early part of the 20th century.
According to local folklore, Letterkenny was rumoured to have been a hiding place for the notorious mobster Al Capone during the 1930s. Capone was said to have been holed up in a log cabin situated on the Letterkenny Road.
Letterkenny struggled on for many years but it was pretty much over by the late 1950s. The church continued to hold regular services until 1991. It remains well maintained and is still used for special occasions. It's essentially the definition of a ghost town at this point, and the town in the TV show is based on the town of Listowel, ON, Canada.
Slednvrfed ยท 8 points ยท Posted at 06:47:45 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
He means Canada
SilverEqualsChill ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 08:22:20 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
obligatory sorry in Canadian
BabyNinjaJesus ยท 32 points ยท Posted at 04:39:39 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Letterkenny is the first thing I thought of when I saw the thread title. Dude can fucking ROAST
cavegriswold ยท 39 points ยท Posted at 04:29:08 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I THINK YOU BETTER COME IN MY...
imean
you better come uh
BlackHoodedMan ยท 31 points ยท Posted at 04:39:31 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Nice execution
Nebih ยท 22 points ยท Posted at 04:58:25 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
You're doing great
jjhoho ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 07:35:31 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
*terrific
don't worry I won't tell anyone
5maLLfry ยท 39 points ยท Posted at 02:29:52 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
That's what I appreciates about ya
bmraovdeys ยท 29 points ยท Posted at 03:38:17 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Oh hey look at you ground..
tbz709 ยท 14 points ยท Posted at 05:06:05 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Your sister is hot! There I said it! I regret nothing
Bryaxis ยท 7 points ยท Posted at 05:37:30 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Is that what you appreciate about me?
revel_stoke14 ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 05:53:23 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Is that what you appreciate about me?
mjolnirsbite ยท 180 points ยท Posted at 02:00:51 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
You do Crossfit? You can cross fuck off
looloopklopm ยท 14 points ยท Posted at 04:58:15 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Does a ducks boner drag weeds?
figmaxwell ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 07:13:16 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
That's a Texas sized 10-4
[deleted] ยท 22 points ยท Posted at 02:08:52 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Cross fart
listenaround ยท 7 points ยท Posted at 03:51:53 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Crossfart.
Stevenperkins2 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 17:06:38 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Crossfart
santaire ยท 14 points ยท Posted at 03:54:53 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
"I don't know what he was crying about. He knew where he got that shirt and it certainly wasn't in the men's department."
submortimer ยท 14 points ยท Posted at 04:24:26 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
"Does that shirt come in men's?"
"Does that face come in men's?"
"Does your mom come in men's?"
AlloyedClavicle ยท 7 points ยท Posted at 06:03:53 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
"I wanna sex your dad."
lemonbox63 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 20:22:52 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
"Choose the curse, and the pitch!"
"YOU'RE A BEEEEEUUTCH...?"
drnoisy ยท 12 points ยท Posted at 03:19:06 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
This is incredible.
MethMouthMagoo ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 06:17:10 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I love that I get this reference.
If it weren't for Reddit, I wouldn't know what the fuck this was about.
Letterkenny needs to be more widely known in the U.S. I'm trying, but I'm only one man.
Wombatapult ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 11:10:31 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
It'd help if we could legally watch or buy it here; as it is I have to resort to pirating something I WANT to pay money to support.
[deleted] ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 14:20:09 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
If Netflix would just pick up the fucking show! Everyone I've ever shown that show to loved it and watched the first season in a night. I really want to support the show, but instead I'm forced to pirate it.
frozen1267 ยท 10 points ยท Posted at 03:06:10 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
You guys cross fit?
DPooly1996 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 21:05:09 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
you can cross-fuck off
AlbertaBoundless ยท 10 points ยท Posted at 04:00:34 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I think I got rabies.
Deerslayer1095 ยท 8 points ยท Posted at 05:25:03 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Boo frickin hoo big shootsie whootsie
mister_butlertron ยท 8 points ยท Posted at 04:59:22 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
'Ferda
DPooly1996 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 21:04:55 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
It's a great day for hay
in-kyoto ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 04:46:19 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Not that there's anything wrong with that.
secretsoundwave ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 04:30:08 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
You must be from Canada...
IAmWhatTheRockCooked ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 05:18:28 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Youre just spare parts arentcha bud
Paffmassa ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 06:36:49 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
As a smaller built male, I have heard this one too many times. Much thanks to my go to comeback.
RMcD94 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:08:28 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Don't get it
ravenorl ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 06:34:27 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
/r/Letterkenny
ghostaudio ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 08:42:43 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
First shot : Your jacket is gay.
Return fire : You come in men enough for the both of us --> "come in men enough" --> implying he shoots his load into other men
joeylopex ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:20:46 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
"No, but you do." Would prob be better
xRoisinDubh ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:21:59 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Boom roasted.
songalong ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:36:06 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
damn gonna have to remember this one.
rionhunter ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:38:05 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
it's a sick burn because it's insulting to be homosexual
Bryaxis ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:42:38 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I heard he fucked an ostrich once.
nefariousfarkle ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:57:55 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Never happened
MichaelNevermore ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 06:12:49 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Jesus, I heard this joke months ago and I finally just got it. Still took some thinking.
I'm dumb.
zhowi15 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 06:41:35 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
"This must be where the dicks hang out"
"OUR dicks, yours looks like a mushroom in a cornfield."
RamboBt48 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 06:46:30 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
You do cross fit??
You can cross fuck off.
dontchoke ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 06:50:23 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
You're 10 ply bud
deathbynotsurprise ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 06:59:22 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
This was way less confusing once I realized it was two men talking to each other...
SgtFinnish ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 07:38:17 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
"Make a wish!"
"Wish you weren't so fucking awkward, bud."
YeahImJustThatAwesom ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 07:49:40 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Knowing me, when ill try to pull that one off it'll go like this:
"That's a nice jacket; does it come in men's?"
"You come in more men than i do."
.
.
.
wut
CarLeasey ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 09:09:59 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
What, the $6,000 suit doesn't come in mens? COME ON
BobNoel ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 10:58:02 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Relevant link
XJCM ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 11:00:40 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
You can cross-fuck off
FloralBison ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 11:38:05 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
"You take your shirt off but leave your sunglasses on? What kind of backwards fucking pageantry is that? You gonna fight me in those or play pokerstars dot com?"
tequilajinx ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 13:21:21 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
You can cross-fuck-off
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 14:25:59 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Fuck I could watch kids fall of bikes all day. I don't give a shit about your kid.
YoloSwagGMoney ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 04:44:44 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Then the whole class stood up and started clapping while he made out with the hottest girl in school
[deleted] ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 05:11:58 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
[deleted]
snacksident ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 05:35:37 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
it's only about half the joke though. the follow up to OP's (letterkenny) joke is what makes it.
[deleted] ยท -8 points ยท Posted at 02:38:31 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I would have said nice joke, does it come in funny?
CodeBlue_04 ยท 8 points ยท Posted at 03:59:57 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
You're getting downvotes for not getting the reference.
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 04:28:33 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Oh woops. thanks for the info tho! Funny vid.
Jiffs81 ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 04:36:01 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
There are 6 full episodes... Better clear your schedule for the next few hours
doobsftw ยท -1 points ยท Posted at 03:32:36 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
The first line can stand on its own and be savage as fuck. (If said to a man that is)
FrostByte62 ยท 3685 points ยท Posted at 00:08:20 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Me and the boys hanging at my apartment. We're all friends.
Guest (Miguel): Hey Yash! Your wifi is down, speak Indian to my computer to make it work!!!
Roommate (Yash): As soon as you speak Mexican to my apartment to clean it!!!
[deleted] ยท 389 points ยท Posted at 02:23:14 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Brutal.
suclearnub ยท 10 points ยท Posted at 05:09:29 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Savage.
Starscream29 ยท 13 points ยท Posted at 05:09:44 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Rekt
goodnames679 ยท 11 points ยท Posted at 05:19:39 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Nippy
not_a_toaster ยท 11 points ยท Posted at 05:35:09 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Kind
Devikat ยท 13 points ยท Posted at 05:43:05 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Langur
[deleted] ยท 12 points ยท Posted at 06:21:35 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Halal
hastagelf ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 11:02:27 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Kosher
KryptoniteDong ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 15:06:25 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Salami
99sec ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 11:24:06 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Haram
kuasha420 ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 15:19:52 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
be
I_would_kill_you ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 10:35:57 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I thought it was just right.
Szzntnss ยท 90 points ยท Posted at 03:56:52 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Miguel's Mexican wouldn't clean the apartment. You'd need Maria for that. Miguel's Mexican is used to trim the hedges and mow the lawn.
vzo1281 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 13:25:14 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
no pool cleaning?
jacked_monkey ยท 29 points ยท Posted at 04:45:15 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Ah man, sounds like my old multi-ethnic group of boys in university. Miss those days!
Uhura_Sits_Backwards ยท 32 points ยท Posted at 06:35:53 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
In a group like that you could actually form a circular insult vortex. It's rare, but when it happens it's gold.
FrostByte62 ยท 11 points ยท Posted at 07:12:12 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Literally us. We have a Moscow native, Indian, mexicans (actually cuban and colombian), some pinoys, white people, and a couple black dudes.
harveyf-king_bullock ยท 33 points ยท Posted at 08:37:59 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
the word is hispanic
[deleted] ยท 10 points ยท Posted at 11:25:28 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
ThePhilTML ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 11:58:05 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Dude you probably don't have a diverse group of friends, I have two buddies ( Ecuadorian and Chilean) and we always called them Mexican. Plays to the racial stereotypes.
Iceblack88 ยท 26 points ยท Posted at 07:40:19 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
That's like me saying "Canadians (Actually American and Polish)
[deleted] ยท 8 points ยท Posted at 10:36:19 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Homo Saopens( actually Neanderthals and Cro Magnon)
Uhura_Sits_Backwards ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:51:20 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
That's an insult event horizon.
TheItalianSalami ยท 33 points ยท Posted at 03:13:13 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Stereotypes jokes, how can't you love them?
iamalbus ยท 9 points ยท Posted at 06:47:48 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
They are no vodka.
yash1229 ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 06:08:07 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Hi, it's your roommate!
SaintAloe ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 12:01:26 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Speak Mexican
obliterayte ยท 8 points ยท Posted at 04:16:40 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Best one I've seen on here. Gotta love racist stereotype humor.
chocoholicsoxfan ยท 28 points ยท Posted at 05:08:49 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
One of the guys I worked with was Mexican, and one time, he was like "you're Indian, and you're gonna be a doctor. Isn't that a little stereotypical? Try to be a bit more original."
Of course, I had to respond with "dude. At least as a citizen of this country, I can go to medical school. Are you even here legally?"
He had no response besides to laugh a bit. To this day, I'm not sure if he actually was an illegal immigrant, or if he just didn't know what to say. He didn't seem mad at me after though, so I don't think I went too far.
[deleted] ยท -2 points ยท Posted at 04:51:48 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
racist how? there is no hatred involved
tjmtjm1 ยท 18 points ยท Posted at 05:37:23 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Making an assumption about someone because of their race is racist. There are in fact many tech professionals who are Indian, and many facilities professionals who are Mexican. However, telling someone to do something even though it is expected and even potentially 'fitting' doesn't make it not racist. Sure they didn't say "hey brown nerd" or "hey dirty janitor", but they did.
[deleted] ยท -3 points ยท Posted at 06:22:34 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
A few things: Mexican is not a race, and while what you described may not be politically correct, it's certainly not racist. Consider the definition: "having or showing the belief that a particular race is superior to another." You can say a white person will shoot up a school, a black person is a thief, an Arab is a terrorist, etc. and while these things are despicable, they are not racist, but instead bigoted. Racism has become far too broadly defined in modern terms.
obliterayte ยท 8 points ยท Posted at 07:03:07 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Do yourself a favor and look up the definition of the word racism.
It's a belief that all members of the same race possess a trait of some sort.
So by definition, saying someone is an IT guy because he's Indian, or a cleaner because he's Mexican is by definition absolute racism.
Yes, you can say Mexican isn't a race, but that is the forms list at the doctor's office. It may not be technically a race, but nationality has become race in modern day.
obliterayte ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 06:56:58 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
So, you are one of those trolls that will argue to the death over how we use the word racism? Something can be mildly racist and be no big deal. The only one making it a big deal is you. Makes you seem like a closet racist trying to defend himself.
[deleted] ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 07:50:32 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
[deleted]
FrostByte62 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 13:40:06 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Me? No. Sorry.
scaffolder ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:50:10 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Fight fire with fire, fight stereotypes with stereotypes :D
Wampoose ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 05:02:17 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Work, Mexican, work.
Uhura_Sits_Backwards ยท 9 points ยท Posted at 06:39:59 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
With all the meth smoking rednecks living around me, the Mexicans are actually the only ones doing just that.
Jmandr2 ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 06:58:40 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
It'd be funny if it weren't so god damn true.
Wampoose ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:54:23 on September 27, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
For the record, this was a reference to South Park, and not random internet racism:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fVByJTVwB0Y
FrostByte62 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 07:12:56 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I get the reference, Mr. Stotch.
Wampoose ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:50:11 on September 27, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Thank you.
bassistciaran ยท 10778 points ยท Posted at 17:32:36 on September 16, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
"I envy people who've never met you"
It actually took me a while to realise how cruel it was.
rube ยท 1822 points ยท Posted at 18:43:24 on September 16, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Classic Gilfoyle.
UrsaBarbatus ยท 893 points ยท Posted at 20:21:23 on September 16, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
"I will listen...to the sound of you chortling my balls."
rube ยท 318 points ยท Posted at 20:37:05 on September 16, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
My wife and I have been binge watching the series. My inner voice is starting to sound like him.
BATTLECATSUPREME ยท 341 points ยท Posted at 21:50:10 on September 16, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I just realized my inner voice sounds like Frank Reynolds (Danny Devito)
shacklefordRusty29 ยท 364 points ยท Posted at 22:53:23 on September 16, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
You hooor
[deleted] ยท 22 points ยท Posted at 03:06:15 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)*
AN I START EATIN GAABAGE
[deleted] ยท 15 points ยท Posted at 03:22:30 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
WITH A PLASTIC BAG FOR A HELMET
InsanePsycologist ยท 19 points ยท Posted at 03:35:46 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I DROPPED MY MOSTER CONDOM FOR MY MAGNUM DONG
Kae_ ยท 11 points ยท Posted at 03:54:54 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
THEY DREW FIRST BLOOD
z500 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:31:08 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I'M SORRY RUM HAM
Rollout569 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:31:22 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
"Is.... is that Rambo?"
SoICanFightLikeACrow ยท 14 points ยท Posted at 03:52:49 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
YOU EVER SEEN A FROG KID?
UFOturtleman ยท 10 points ยท Posted at 04:38:48 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
IT'S ALL COMING BACK
NightHawkRambo ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 07:57:28 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
WHERE'S FROGGY?
xMau5 ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 05:20:13 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
When I'm dead just throw me in the trayuuush
AndyGHK ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 07:41:03 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Jus' trow me in deh treyssh.
P8ntballa00 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 06:54:49 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I just wanted to be...puuuure
99sec ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 11:21:52 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)*
Hooor..[...].. HODOR
Beauandarrow ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 12:10:15 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
RUM HAM!
MuthaFuckasTookMyIsh ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 13:07:33 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
*Who're
FTFY
ToneBox627 ยท 7 points ยท Posted at 22:52:59 on September 16, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
You wanna play night crawlers?
CharlieHume ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 04:01:27 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
CHAWLY
missingsf ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 13:07:26 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I read everyone's Frank quotes. Yours is the one I heard in my head with his voice. It's also great that your user name is Charlie.
DylanTheVillian1 ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 00:05:26 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I feel like Danny Devito is what all inner voices sound like, especially with stuff like this.
gnarbone ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 05:12:18 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
You're mashin it!
Jitterrr ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 18:18:16 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Yeah, she does that
745631258978963214 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 07:40:25 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Mind sounds like Dexter Morgan's inner voice.
Really bored, that is.
MischeviousCat ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 13:32:28 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Dude I have so many different inner voices, it concerns us.
Dead_Starks ยท 7 points ยท Posted at 05:40:47 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
When you finish with that Martin Starr is also in Party Down and has some amazing lines if you've never seen it.
[deleted] ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 23:52:06 on September 16, 2016 ยท (Permalink)*
[removed]
Yoshimadashi ยท 7 points ยท Posted at 00:06:39 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Not OP but I'm assuming Silicon Valley on HBO, great show!
rube ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:08:51 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
It is fantastic. Just finished Season 3 moments ago. :)
sturmhauke ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 09:05:40 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Welcome to the left-hand path, my friend.
ThzeGerman ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 08:06:18 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
What show would that be? I'm curious!
Tuft64 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 10:22:52 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Silicon Valley. It's about a tech startup in the... well... Silicon Valley. It's real funny.
ThzeGerman ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 11:20:42 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Thanks!
PrivilegeCheckmate ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 09:03:06 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Huh. Now that I listen carefully, it's a mix of Tom Lehrer and Magnum PI.
joeymonreddit ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:20:37 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
What series?! I have to know!
rube ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 04:53:16 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Silicon Valley
PirateNinjaa ยท 12 points ยท Posted at 04:47:44 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
"Are you a bartender?"
"I work at Facebook"
"As a bartender?"
_poppies_ ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 01:44:45 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
When I heard this I imagined him hitting his balls like a bong
ThiefOfDens ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 07:08:15 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
flplplplplpllplpflplp
2KilAMoknbrd ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 04:20:55 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I spitted beer..."chortling balls" . holy fuยฉk
JacksonSqueaks ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 04:40:23 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
"Her best friends nickname is Cunty."
JOHNOLIVER2016 ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 14:30:31 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
"If my mother was lying naked and dead on the street, I would not cover her body with that jacket."
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:47:59 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
[deleted]
halborn ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 22:40:21 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Yeah, I think they were aiming for something more like 'gargling'.
Frozen_Tony ยท 62 points ยท Posted at 04:02:55 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I don't think I ever laughed harder then when Jared asks Dinesh "Do you choke your mother with that chain when you fuck her in the ass" and Richard drops all the Skunk works papers on the floor.
TedFartass ยท 14 points ยท Posted at 06:35:10 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I don't want to be pedantic, it's purely because I find his wording makes it so much funnier, but he says
"Nice chain, do you choke your mother with it when you put your penis in her butthole?"
Then of course...
"What the fuck?!"
dobetterthanthat ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 06:38:31 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I love his wording too but I especially enjoy how he amps it up in the elevator.
Frozen_Tony ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 13:30:36 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I yield to your superior quotation it's so much more Jared this way.
PirateNinjaa ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 04:48:35 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
This guy fucks!
goblinpiledriver ยท 9 points ยท Posted at 04:57:51 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Great, now even Jared is busting my balls
Frozen_Tony ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 14:40:41 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Nice using that dick!
PirateNinjaa ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 14:48:22 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Bro.
xMau5 ยท 7 points ยท Posted at 05:19:40 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I delegate you to go get me a fucking beer.
Pr4etori4n ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 07:40:47 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
^ this guy fucks
noseham ยท 10 points ยท Posted at 23:38:30 on September 16, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
It could be taken as a compliment: "I enjoy your company SO much, I wish I could meet you again just so I could relive the experience of getting to know you!"
CARNIesada6 ยท 9 points ยท Posted at 04:46:51 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Damn, that's Player Haters' territory...
setfire3 ยท 136 points ยท Posted at 21:56:38 on September 16, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I got it pretty quick, but i don't find it too cruel, did I miss something?
5_YEAR_LURKER ยท 86 points ยท Posted at 22:10:18 on September 16, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I read it as "I wish I'd never met you". I don't see anything else there either.
MacDerfus ยท 35 points ยท Posted at 01:02:27 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
As soon as someone meets you, their life is permanently made worse is what he meant, I think.
JarlaxleForPresident ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 05:01:55 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
That's actually pretty cool to be that great at something.
TmickyD ยท 148 points ยท Posted at 22:44:37 on September 16, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
It's something along the lines of "You're toxic to everyone you meet"
leodavin843 ยท 46 points ยท Posted at 04:33:48 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
That plus "Even if I never saw you again, my life is worse for having met you."
Michamus ยท -4 points ยท Posted at 04:43:03 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I mean, I guess, but the person is saying they're envious, not everyone is envious. It's just a different way of saying "I wish I'd never met you".
ChameleonTwist ยท 14 points ยท Posted at 23:14:14 on September 16, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Yeah I'm not too big on this one either. There's simply no wit to it. It doesn't say anything about the actual person either, it only weakly implies. What /u/mealzer posted is quick-witted, raw and ridicules an actual feature of said person. Truly savage.
mealzer ยท 8 points ยท Posted at 23:17:23 on September 16, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
It was brutal. Over ten years ago and I'll never forget it.
[deleted] ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 23:42:21 on September 16, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
[deleted]
mealzer ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 23:54:30 on September 16, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Stunned silence,I didn't really spend time around her so I don't know
ChameleonTwist ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 23:22:07 on September 16, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Neither will I. I'm still laughing at it!
daviannamorgan ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 06:49:47 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I think it was crueler to me because I read it in Alan Rickman's voice.
Games_sans_frontiers ยท 8 points ยท Posted at 23:33:17 on September 16, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
"I've been told it's an amazing feeling meeting me for the first time."
Mostlyharmless86 ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 04:50:17 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I wish we were better strangers.
ravia ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 05:11:45 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I'd rather read this comment than the finest comment on reddit.
GateauBaker ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 03:59:07 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Can you consider that a comback? Isn't it just a plain insult without something to reply to?
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:13:43 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Similar to: you are like the first slice of bread, everyone touches you, no one wants you.
Xarcert ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:32:27 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Because they still get to go through the new excitement of finally getting to know you?
tashidagrt ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:36:13 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
So you could meet me for the first time all over again?
Infra-Oh ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:19:33 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
"Because they still have the opportunity to feel what it was like to meet me for the first time."
Comeback bustah.
jonnielaw ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:29:07 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
My favorite in this vein is "You are an assault on all the senses."
SOwED ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 06:15:57 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Not a comeback, but aight
SGrumpy ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 06:38:01 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
'Everybody hates me!'
'That's not true..... everybody hasn't met you yet!'
Wrath_Of_Aguirre ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 06:53:19 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
"OHHH, I get it! They wish they didn't meet them. Oh man, harsh."
Iamaredditlady ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 07:11:09 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
This is something that I've carried in my broken heart for decades:
"There's a reason people don't call you back"
wtfistheinternets ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 09:14:04 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
This is my fav. Smooth as fuck
CobraCornelius ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 10:36:39 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Bookmark
strangebread ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 12:53:44 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Similar one: "I hope the rest of your day is as pleasant as you are"
vintagesthenewkitsch ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 14:54:03 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Marvin, the paranoid android from H2G2 said this one : โTrillian is one of the least benightedly unintelligent life forms it has been my profound lack of pleasure not to be able to avoid meeting.โ
Iustinianus_I ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 14:54:57 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Reminds me of one of my favorite old-timey insults:
"I do desire we may be better strangers." -Shakespeare
coffeedude7 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:59:18 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
There's two I made up during online video games:
1) You're the worst mistake your parents ever made.
2) The only redeeming quality you have is that someday you will die.
mysticdickstick ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:15:33 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
and that's a comeback how?
Thrasher9294 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:17:19 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
"You know everyone just tolerates you, right?"
shotty293 ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 00:50:18 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Are you still with your wife?
DonkeyPuncherrr ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 04:52:59 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Savage
stoprockandrollkids ยท 177 points ยท Posted at 04:48:04 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
My dad always tells the story of a really hot woman he asked to dance at a club one time, who responded "I don't dance with kids".
Without missing a beat he goes "Lady if I knew you were pregnant I wouldn't have asked"
DREBIN365 ยท 5229 points ยท Posted at 17:42:15 on September 16, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
"You look like a donkey."
"Ya? Well my face is a mirror!"
-7th Graders
[deleted] ยท 2409 points ยท Posted at 22:51:49 on September 16, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
There was a tv show about monkeys, i was like 12 my sister is 8.
Me: "Hey its your sibling" i pointed at the monkey.
She: "No, its your siblings!"
Mom looked at us, and promtly left our life forever.
brikad ยท 1554 points ยท Posted at 23:46:15 on September 16, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
"Fuck you."
"Yo momma!"
"We're twins, dumbass, we got the same momma."
"...yo daddy then!"
"Shit, I don't know him."
"Yeah.. me neither."
stingray20201 ยท 235 points ยท Posted at 00:37:58 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Scary Movie reference?
Mandalf_the_Ghey ยท 21 points ยท Posted at 04:12:26 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Ray rays got a game for you
iAmTheFreshPrince ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 05:24:16 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Badabapa clown's mouth puckers after getting mcchickened
HayzerUnlimited ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 05:06:02 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Uncle ray ray*
Mandalf_the_Ghey ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 19:06:38 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)*
Here's the linkfor you
Fearmarbh ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 07:53:19 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I'mma fart in your mouth. I'mma shit on these walls Ray.
Surfing_Ninjas ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 05:08:18 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
From Scary Movie 2, I believe.
peanutbuttahcups ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 06:31:33 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
First one, actually. When they were still in high school.
IncestOnly ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 01:30:19 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
( อกยฐ อส อกยฐ)
jazza420 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 06:15:23 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
checks out
QueenCoyote ยท 22 points ยท Posted at 04:31:08 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
My mom and I were playfully arguing. At one point she said, "Your mom!"
To which I responded, "YOUR, wait, no, you're right. My mom."
She was fantastically pissed. :)
euphoneus ยท 13 points ยท Posted at 05:18:42 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I used to volunteer at a summer camp and one week we had 8-10 year olds there. I heard the best comeback war of my life that week. Two boys were having am argument, so it quickly escalated into insults about mother's and faces. I believe it went something like this:
Kid 1: you're stupid!
Kid 2: yeah, well you're face is stupid!
Kid 1: your mom is stupid!
Kid 2: you're mom's face is stupid!
Kid 1: well... YOUR FACE IS YOUR MOM!
And kid 1 stormed off in a huff while the other one just stood there looking confused.
QueenCoyote ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:24:46 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
This is my favorite so far. :)
Nirbhana ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 23:56:30 on September 16, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
That escalated way too fucking quick mate..
waltjrimmer ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 01:40:07 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
hey its me ur monkeys
Alcohol_Intolerant ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 07:14:26 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I have two sisters. Our arguments would usually end like this:
You're dumb!
No, you're dumb!
Your face is dumb!
Your MOM is dumb!
...Oh.
gorka_la_pork ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 02:44:31 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
:)
:|
:(
bless_ure_harte ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 00:04:33 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
She's just at the gas station getting cigarretes
RhynoD ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:25:46 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
That, uh...that took a left turn there.
NorthwardRM ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 07:55:16 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Hey it's me ur sibling
SecretAgentVampire ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 09:49:51 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
And dad walked in, sweating, jumper cables in hand.
Crackborn ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:05:18 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Huh?
idwthis ยท 146 points ยท Posted at 19:03:26 on September 16, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Nice twist on the ol' "I'm rubber, you're glue" phrase.
JoJackthewonderskunk ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 01:43:59 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
No it's not. YOU ARE!
MakingShitAwkward ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 08:08:04 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
You fight like a dairy farmer.
WillowNiffler ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 01:33:32 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
"You don't have a warrant!"
"My face is my warrant."
- Transformers: Age Of Extinction
PatrioticImgurian ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 03:26:36 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
no u
ColumbianCameltoe ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 06:18:33 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
"What took you so long?"
"What took you so ugly?"
-Talking Baby Geniuses
KlassikKiller ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 00:04:24 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
How can our eyes be real if our faces are mirrors?
rantifarian ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 04:13:49 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Interesting. My 7th graders were threatening to 'smash your ugly fucking face through the fucking window ', and 'im going to push you down the stairs you cunt'.
What a lovely girl she is.
malowolf ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 02:42:28 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Ah 7th grade, when all those insults your parents used on each other become relevant.
fuck-dat-shit-up ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 03:59:06 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Ya, well y face is a mirror is going to be my comeback to everything
Hoosteen_juju003 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 05:11:51 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I feel like this was on Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt too.
AnnakinTheMannequin ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 05:24:48 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
"No, it's a fucking donkey face didn't you hear me?"
MrBunshell ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 05:26:12 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Rekt
countersoul ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 05:30:58 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Haha 7th graders indeed
[deleted] ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 05:47:34 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
So..our eyes are a part of mirrors?? SOMEONE GET JADEN ON THE LINE!
fixgeer ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 05:52:44 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
That's funny, cause out of the two of us, you're a bigger ass
Incontrol_is_mad ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 06:01:52 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
lul my face is also a mirror
Hakobus ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 06:36:23 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)*
So we're standing out in a group of friends in 7th grade when this kid - a friend of my friends, but I don't really know him - walks up to the group and exclaims "Dudes, I just saw the ugliest fucking guy ever! His nose looked just like a dick!"
I immediately proceed to inquire if he had been - in fact - looking into a mirror by accident. He proceeded to immediately punch me right in my face. I still think it was a great line, even if it wasn't that imaginative, because that kid actually had a nose that had definite dick-like qualities to it. But that punch to my face did stop me from trying to come up with any more.
audscias ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 07:07:48 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Brondog ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 07:40:37 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
You fight like a dairy farmer.
How appropriate, you fight like a cow!
[deleted] ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 13:00:43 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
jesus christ someone get /r/madlads over here
[deleted] ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 14:34:36 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
There's others
DREBIN365 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 15:15:09 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Eye. Have. You.
reikken ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 21:21:35 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
lmao
this is the only one in the thread I actually laughed at
redneckwhiteass ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 23:53:59 on September 16, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
My 7th grader said he was in the locker room after football practice and one kid was bragging to everyone about how he was the best player on the team. Another kid responded by saying "the only reason you get to play is because your mom sucks everyone's dick to get you ahead in life" Funny thing is, he's right. The kids mom is a swinger, and she has hooked up with one of the coaches.
libbyseriously ยท 394 points ยท Posted at 03:17:01 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Directed at me, actually. One of my teenage restaurant employees made a comment to me that inadvertently insinuated that I was overweight. Joking around with her, I said "I swear if you call me fat again I'll stick your head in the deep fryer." Not missing a beat, she responded "And then what, are you gonna eat it?"
crazy4finalfantasy ยท 32 points ยท Posted at 03:59:58 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
That kid is savage.
Shantotto11 ยท 9 points ยท Posted at 14:35:57 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
You practically flew at Mach 3 into that one...
Connoire ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 16:43:32 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Employe of the month!
Sewcerrer ยท 90 points ยท Posted at 05:53:27 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Working in retail, ringing up a nice husband and wife. I go to scan an item that has very shiny packaging, and make chit-chat while it's being difficult. Me: The scanner really doesn't like shiny packaging Husband: Well then you know it can't be a woman if it doesn't like something shiny! Me, immediately, surprising my own dang self: Oh yeah, must be a man since it never works the first time you tell it to.
The wife ended up laughing herself red in the face and thanking me, because she was worried that her husband had just ruined their chances of ever coming back to the store without embarrassment. The husband had a good laugh too, and play-mocked hurt with a hand over his heart and everything.
DrWhoisOverRated ยท 4891 points ยท Posted at 17:16:27 on September 16, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
"Who is better at their job, me or her?"
"That's like asking me to choose between cancer and AIDS."
Mrtacomancan24 ยท 1582 points ยท Posted at 22:34:31 on September 16, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Cancer though, right?
PropsNPowder ยท 1544 points ยท Posted at 23:01:32 on September 16, 2016 ยท (Permalink)*
It's gotta be cancer. Possibly curable, no stigma, time off work.
Edit: I've learned a lot about AIDS and cancer and it sounds like they both suck.
Illadelphian ยท 771 points ยท Posted at 23:33:30 on September 16, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Depends entirely on the cancer, aids is quite manageable now.
tinykeyboard ยท 430 points ยท Posted at 00:54:26 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
hiv is quite manageable now, aids not as much... still, it would be better than pancreatic cancer.
Nurum ยท 30 points ยท Posted at 03:01:44 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I seem to recall reading an article recently that said AIDS patients have a longer life expectancy than diabetics.
FerociousGiraffe ยท 41 points ยท Posted at 03:10:09 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I believe people with HIV now have an average lifespan that is almost equal to that of the general population, actually.
[deleted] ยท 23 points ยท Posted at 03:12:11 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
You are correct. At least the ones under proper medical care. I'm an hiv/aids nurse and our patients are monitored so heavy until they are controlled. Most regular folks get one set of yearly labs. Our patients get that every four months or more depending on the need.
VymI ยท 15 points ยท Posted at 04:04:22 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
God, the expense though. HIV is like a sentence to shit credit for the rest of your life.
fallouthirteen ยท 25 points ยท Posted at 06:24:51 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
HIV is nature's way of saying "emigrate to Canada".
shellwe ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:00:55 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Do they spell immigrate differently up there?
fallouthirteen ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:17:51 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Immigrate is when you come into a country, emigrate is when you leave a country. I was more focusing on leaving a country without socialized health care. I'm pretty sure they can mostly be used interchangeably, just depends on the connotation and feel you want from a sentence.
Though I guess since I didn't actually mention leaving, immigrate would probably be the better word to use.
shellwe ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:27:41 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
That is a new word to me!
aerokopf ยท 7 points ยท Posted at 05:25:42 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Medical bills go to your credit? That's kinda fucked.
VymI ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:52:00 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Not directly, but it's easy to fall into the 'well, I'll put this bill on my card' and then everything becomes fucked when the patient can no longer keep up with their credit card bills.
hopswage ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 04:38:30 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Not unless you've got bitchin' insurance coverage.
OzMazza ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 04:52:58 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Or you know, live in a country that's not backwards as fuck.
hopswage ยท -2 points ยท Posted at 05:48:49 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)*
I only said it like it is.
I'm pretty sure if you're not employed by a good enough company or otherwise wealthy enough to afford solid insurance coverage, you don't really have the means to emigrate to a country with universal healthcare.
And that's not even taking into account visas, naturalization, employment, and potential language barriers.
Taking your theme more broadly, I'd love to vote for true universal healthcare. But it's not like I can just snap my fingers and make my country not backwards as fuck anymore.
So fuck you and your downvote. ;-)
Rogerwilco1974 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 05:56:53 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
People with HIV get free Labradors?! Where do I sign up?
blanddrink ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:42:04 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Wait. Should one get yearly labs? I'm 26 and never had'em. And what do they include exactly?
s_e_x_throwaway ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 06:03:13 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Do you regularly engage in unprotected sex with strangers?
No?
You probably aren't in a high risk group then. HIV's actually pretty difficult to transmit with heterosexual PIV intercourse.
Now if you're bottoming for anal sex from strange men with no condom on the regular... yeah, maybe you should go get tested.
Jerzeem ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 06:19:21 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
So, I should go get tested twice?
[deleted] ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 03:53:23 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Sometimes more. Regular checkups means unrelated issues (cancer, cardiovascular problems, etc) are caught earlier.
singer_red ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 05:04:12 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Why are you whispering?
HolmatKingOfStorms ยท 8 points ยท Posted at 05:37:00 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
it's not that hard
diMario ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 05:44:23 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
less bad
Always remember to be negative about things.
KulaanDoDinok ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 07:25:46 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
You can get forms of cancer from AIDS though...can't get aids from cancer.
Genericynt ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 03:26:00 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Choosing cancer or aids is like trying to choose cancer or aids.
crackrox69 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 06:14:41 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
As someone who has researched HIV, trust me, some cancers could be better. Chronic inflammation is no joke. You can expect early diabetes, stroke, atherosclerosis, and dementia. Cognitive deficits are even pronounced in the very beginning of the disease. You are literally considered elderly at the age of 50 when you have HIV because you're going to have the same comorbidities as a typical person at like 70. No one really talks about that, just that you're going to live a pretty typical lifespan.
wOlfLisK ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 04:34:07 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Depends on the cancer and whether we're talking about HIV or full blown AIDS. I'd take HIV over cancer any day, it's effectively a non issue with the right medication and we'll probably have a cure or vaccine within 10 years anyway. Cancer just fucks you up though and chemo makes you feel like ass.
HippieKillerHoeDown ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 06:19:04 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
didn't that arquette die of aids the other day?
Voxous ยท 217 points ยท Posted at 23:31:54 on September 16, 2016 ยท (Permalink)*
Not so sure now. Some recent gene therapy tests are showing pretty good results of removing AIDS from most body cells. It might have a more reliable cure than cancer in the very near future, and the delivery method for that cure would make it much more cost effective.
Edit:
Since this post got noticed and people seem interested, here is a brief video explaining the recent advances I mentioned
Edit 2: and now this is my top comment
[deleted] ยท 63 points ยท Posted at 00:59:08 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
[deleted]
Voxous ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 01:59:25 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)*
Not quite, but pretty close with what CRISPR(which is an enzyme that recently discovered) brought to the table recently
Edit: the enzyme is actually cas9 and CRISPR is the name for the system, but CRISPR will probably give more accurate search results.
[deleted] ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 02:14:42 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)*
[deleted]
Voxous ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:17:36 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)*
People will probably get more accurate search results with CRISPR than cas9, though you are correct in that. When I say soon, I mean soon as in usable for humans within the next 50 years.
Edit: and the "pretty close" was to regarding the "it's like magic."
troymen11 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:42:05 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Hey that's exactly what I work on!
Voxous ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:37:07 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Are you able to do an ama or is your work too confidential right now?
troymen11 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:31:03 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I can't go into too much specifics about exactly what I do because we are hoping to publish about it in my lab. But I can certainly talk generally about HIV and CRISPR/Cas9 because those are the two main areas of my research.
Voxous ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 06:02:29 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Out of curiosity, what are some of the major hurdles that you face working with and studying this system?
Also curious how many years you would guess it will be until it's at a point where it can be used on humans for medical needs? I know it's probably not something I should hold my breath for, but it would be interesting to hear what something working on it has to say m
troymen11 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:08:38 on September 26, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Sorry I completely forgot to respond to this! One of the biggest hurdles with current CRISPR/Cas9 technologies is the efficiency. First off, while inducing DNA mutation with the system can be done, the efficiency of mutation is generally very low. Like 5-10 percent. As you go from lab grown cell lines, to primary cells in a dish, all the way down to animals themselves - there is a consistent loss of efficiency at each jump. So overall the efficiency is not very high, especially for potential therapeutic applications. On top of that, getting a sgRNA that actually directs the Cas9 protein to your target DNA sequence is a game of luck. Designing a sgRNA that should theoretically work is simple, but in practice only something like 10 percent of those sgRNAs work. So overall getting the system to do something meaningful can be quite challenging.
I would say that we are still far off from human treatments. Until we can find a way to reduce off target DNA editing effects and deliver the system to humans effiently it's not really viable in my opinion.
VikingTeddy ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 02:09:52 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
On your Johnson
spectralrays ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:14:29 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Woah, that was weird, guys! Magic...Johnson. Get what you did? Holy shit.
5redrb ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 04:05:29 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Dude's like patient Zero and he looks better than ever.
chrisinurpants ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 04:21:57 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
AIDS magic
Kayleefirefly ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 06:29:51 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Colorful charade
Raverzel ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 01:29:23 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Come to this thread for the comebacks, stay for the goddamn knowledge.
Voxous ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:13:44 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I'm adding a link to the original post with a video explaining a bit of the recent gene therapy advances if you want more.
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:58:29 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
[deleted]
Voxous ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:02:54 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Considering the risk that you could pull the "brain cancer" card out of the hat, I'd choose aids even without the prospect of gene therapy. At least with AIDS, you can keep yourself alive with the right meds and it itself is not what kills you.
Silidon ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:23:54 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Also it hopefully won't be "We're gonna poison you and hope it kills the diseased cells faster."
Voxous ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 02:11:25 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Take a look at some of the CRISPR tests being conducted. It's an enzyme that is built to find and remove exact matches for viral DNA.
Previously it was only microbes that had access to this, it being their form of antibodies. Now that humans have discovered it, and discovered you can program it to change any bit of DNA you choose, diseases like AIDS could in theory be "deleted" with an injection containing the enzyme and the instructions for what it is to remove/change.
It's still in the animal testing phase(though I think I've read of some human tests recently), but this could make is way into standard practice before too long.
Being cheaper and more permanent than the drug cocktails we currently use as bandaid solutions also helps.
calafragilistic ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:16:41 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Yeah but everyone loves a cancer and no one wants to fuck an AIDS
Voxous ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:23:35 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I'd rather have the one where you can keep living and be relatively healthy as long as you supplement you immune system.
Plus cancer could include brain cancer or other nearly impossible to treat forms.
calafragilistic ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:33:18 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
You keep living regardless because you're only having sex with a cancer, not contracting it
Voxous ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:38:41 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
There is that issue, but proper protection could also help here.
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:51:39 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
[deleted]
Voxous ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:38:08 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Being relatively healthy > social stigma
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:37:03 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Clicked just to make sure it was Kurzgesat. Was not disappointed
Voxous ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:57:04 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
They do a great job at taking super complicated things and translating then into lay man's terms.
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:17:19 on September 18, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
220 upvotes for your top comment? Guess you need mine.
[deleted] ยท 10 points ยท Posted at 23:42:21 on September 16, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
[deleted]
MyIQis76 ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 01:32:41 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Chemo's a bitch though.
Sycou ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 03:11:17 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Plus you get a nice new hairstyle after its all over or a nice new bed if it's all over
HeWhoCouldBeNamed ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 07:24:05 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
That last "S" is for "syndrome," not a pluralization, so it should also be capitalized.
PropsNPowder ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 19:05:46 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Ah, thanks for reminding me! I feel like I knew that but didn't think about it.
HeWhoCouldBeNamed ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 19:28:12 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Glad to help!
Games_sans_frontiers ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 23:37:15 on September 16, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Better still if it's cancer of the Aids.
Can any doctors out there confirm this?
Josh709 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 23:43:33 on September 16, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
aids cancer would just be absolutely terrible. your aids viruses just uncontrollably reproducing and potentially never dying
Cristo_Kennedy ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 23:42:28 on September 16, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
And you can cut cancer out of your life too.
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:44:06 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Cancer still has a fair chance of killing you. If you can get medication, HIV won't kill you these days. There's no cure, but it can be treated more or less indefinitely.
Trayohw220 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:29:27 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Al least you can have dun getting AIDS.
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 04:13:04 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Only if you're poor
fishsticks40 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 04:23:34 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
No sympathy fucks for AIDS.
Eurynom0s ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:48:16 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
AIDS is curable. $180k injected straight into your bloodstream.
Klaus_Goldfish ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 07:41:20 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
AIDS is actually completely curable. The legal way involves installing an immune system that is itself immune to HIV via a bone marrow transplant, the fast and loose way is to write that same immunity into a person by way of CRISPR/CAS9.
Source: Am biologist, do gene modification shit.
UpvotesForLaughs ยท 7 points ยท Posted at 00:19:13 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I'd choose HIV over cancer but not AIDS
JimiSlew3 ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 00:48:45 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Read this in Archer's voice.
NatasEvoli ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:25:32 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Same
[deleted] ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 01:20:28 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
My sister in law recently got her doctorate in pharmacy and her official stance is she would rather be HIV positive than have diabetes. You take a pill a day and that's that.
BlackIronSpectre ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 23:05:40 on September 16, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Billet to the head would be quicker and better for everyone
Rathka96 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:13:47 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
You can get over cancer, not sure there's much you can do about aids, so I guess it depends on the type of cancer
Kenneth441 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:09:50 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
AIDS, at least it means you got laid right?
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:25:09 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I was about to say AIDS but Inwas thinking more of HIV than AIDS. Cancer.
Bayarearedneck ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:32:09 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Naw gotta be AIDS, cancer can be treated to remmision, which means it ain't working. Aids can be treated but it always lingers. Cancer might come back but you can beat it down aids is forever
after12delite ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:33:39 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Cancer fucks you. You gotta fuck to get AIDS. Think I'd want to go out fucking.
joelthezombie15 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 04:13:14 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Fuck no. You can live a normal happy life with aids now.
Infra-Oh ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:21:50 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Dude, AIDS.
PM_ME_CHUBBY_GALS ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 09:53:07 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Well when you have AIDS, don't you usually get cancer because of it?
Space_Enter ยท 10 points ยท Posted at 17:36:59 on September 16, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Well damn.
vagiants ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 02:04:10 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Full blown aids?
redeyeddragon ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 07:35:44 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
It fucking ain't overrated bitch
Stacia_Asuna ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 01:31:57 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
"It's like choosing between Clinton and Trump."
Or for that matter, Hello Games and Niantic.
felixfelix ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:36:20 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
employee aladeen
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:26:34 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Well I mean, if disease's jobs are to kill people, then Cancer and AIDS really do a great job. Just sayin.
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 04:16:16 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)*
[deleted]
Merfiee03 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 08:19:59 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
No one would fuck you doe
gr00ve88 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 04:52:01 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
http://southpark.cc.com/clips/163973/cancer-patients-fly-free
Spiritofchokedout ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:00:45 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Eh. A little hackneyed
oicaptainslow ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:13:59 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
My thoughts on the current election
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 06:07:32 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Scrubs?
YouWantItWhere ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 06:10:18 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Is it wrong to say that to your kids when they are fighting over which one is superior and ask you to decide?
HisRandomFriend ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 06:24:29 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
But both cancer and AIDS are extremely good at their jobs, so this is technically a compliment.
wcc445 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 07:32:40 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Wait, so did you pick Trump or Hillary then, I'm confused?
zofaa ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 08:56:37 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
There's actually a similar saying in Sweden. "like closing between plague and cholera", meaning there's two options but they both suck equally bad.
McGreeb ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 09:04:33 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Welcome to us politics
JoyJoy_ ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 09:07:13 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I'm usually a Giant Douche guy, but this year we're going for Turd Sandwich.
exteus ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 11:47:31 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
With cancer you can still get pity sex, tho...
ryan_503 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:09:37 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
That sounds like the presidential election this year. It's like picking an STD. Which do you prefer, gonorrhea or herpes?
FlyingRainbowLlama ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 22:28:03 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Isn't that just an expression though?
idaho_dak ยท 169 points ยท Posted at 05:57:05 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I work in a pharmacy.
Cranky lady accuses us of selling her husband placebo Viagra.
Pharmacist: Maybe it's you.
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:56:05 on September 18, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Maybe it's Maybelline.
mitchell271 ยท 1388 points ยท Posted at 23:38:22 on September 16, 2016 ยท (Permalink)*
This is from the now dead *sob* Let's Play series Let's Drown Out. Don't remember which episode.
One of the hosts was a camp counsellor for a camping trip, and one of the kids was mentally handicapped in some way. This kid had been along on plenty other trips with this camp, so he was familiar with good practices and safety.
New camp counsellor, who didn't know this kid, decided to go start a fire for dinner. He was having trouble, so the kid came over and gave him some advice on how to do it. The new counsellor ignored it. He eventually got it working, but it turns out the kid had been right all along, and had been watching him try.
While the counsellor was packing up, the kid walked past and told him, "And they call me fuckin' retarded."
Holy. Shit.
Edit: I got some details wrong, but the put-down and the basic idea of the story is there. If you want the original (plus transcript) /u/lynxSnowCat put the whole thing in this comment
JackTheHonestLiar ยท 28 points ยท Posted at 04:34:28 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Ah yes.... Sure will miss Gabriel's tales of stupidity
mitchell271 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:10:36 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
He's still doing LP stuff on the KeepitClassy channel
JackTheHonestLiar ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:57:36 on September 18, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Won't be the same without Yahtzee trying to shut him down.
lynxSnowCat ยท 27 points ยท Posted at 05:39:49 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)*
"Gabe" shares a great story about the best putdownyoutube.com nsfw? he's heard during yatzee19's "Let's Play Normality".
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XDhKL16nFWE&t=51m10s
Transcript00:51:09
00:51:37
00:52:30
00:53:07
00:53:25
00:53:26
00:53:39
00:53:45
"and they call me fucking retarded."
edit: 7h later: "as in" not "'is in".
o11c ยท 39 points ยท Posted at 04:49:24 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
As someone with a mental handicap.
When I give instructions, they're because I know what I'm saying.
(I can also throw out ideas for something I don't know a lot about, but those are very clearly different - though, statistically, they're still right more often than not, especially if the so-called "expert" can't think how to refute it easily).
MadGod100 ยท 23 points ยท Posted at 05:48:36 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
What kind of disability do you have? Because you wrote that better than i probably would have.
febfebfeb ยท 78 points ยท Posted at 05:49:59 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
He left a period outside of parentheses containing a full sentence; he's clearly a retard.
Kneuronak ยท 25 points ยท Posted at 06:20:28 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Satirical hyperbole is just the riskiest form of humor on the internet.
febfebfeb ยท 18 points ยท Posted at 06:28:10 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I hope the fact that I dropped in a semi-colon when my instincts were telling me that would make me look like a dick sealed the deal
trvpfiend ยท 7 points ยท Posted at 06:30:33 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
It really did it for me. I wasn't gonna say anything but then you mentioned it.
MadGod100 ยท -3 points ยท Posted at 06:46:21 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)*
When i read it my first thought was to downvote, and make a throwaway specifically to downvote you. Now i feel stupid because it wooshed right over me.
Ihuarraquax_ ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 09:17:01 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
...why would you make a throwaway just to downvote someone?
MadGod100 ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 09:50:38 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
seems my sarcasm game needs work
saichampa ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 06:50:36 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Or a programmer
AmAShill ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:53:25 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I know you're making an ironic joke, but why does everyone pick the engineers and programmers? I have okay handwriting and people call it cursive, but my grammar is on point
/s (somewhat sarcastic)
saichampa ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 22:23:59 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I am a programmer and I do this compulsively
AmAShill ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 22:53:12 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
That's pretty cool. What programming languages do you know?
saichampa ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 23:01:25 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
C/C++, Java, php, JavaScript are the ones I've worked with primarily. I've also done some assembly (x86 and mips), Haskell, python (I'm trying to do more of this)
Once you've got the basics down of programming theory picking up new languages and environments isn't too difficult.
AmAShill ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 23:02:39 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I'm more of a script kiddie, :P, so I only know Python, JS/HTML/CSS, and am learning PHP.
saichampa ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 23:16:27 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
All good places to start, but php is an awful language in a few ways, and people do bad things with it. I really recommend doing some formal classes, even if they are free ones through coursera or something.
dellaint ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 15:06:30 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Wait periods only go outside parenthesis if they're ending a sentence that wasn't contained entirely in the parenthesis? Fuck, I'm retarded.
o11c ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 15:56:54 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Autism. I don't have it quite as severe as the people who need 24/7 care, so a lot of people keep thinking I'm faking or something, it's annoying.
And I can write like crazy, it's speaking that's impossible. Again, I don't have it quite as bad as the autistic people who are fully nonverbal, but on bad days it feels like wading through molasses just to speak like a toddler.
MadGod100 ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 16:12:57 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
My only dealing with autism has been my cousin (he's 19, but has the mental capacity of an 8 year old) so I always assumed that even slight autism was very severe. It seems that i was mistaken. Mind if I pm you? Id love to learn more, and speaking to someone suffering from autism, but also able to hold a conversation would be amazing.
o11c ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 21:58:07 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
There's /r/autism and /r/aspergers that you can lurk in - in practice, the former is more for parents and the latter for actual people with it.
It used to be that Autism and Asperger's were separate diagnoses. Then, they change it to a single diagnosis, calling it a spectrum.
But that's not really right, since it's not one dimensional like a spectrum is defined as. There are at least half a dozen different axes (and probably more that we haven't even started to define) that can be varied - you can be severe on one, moderate on another, etc. And none of them are related to intelligence.
You may find the quiz enlightening: http://rdos.net/eng/Aspie-quiz.php - anybody can take it and it shows several of the axes in the result.
swordrush ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 04:43:05 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I'm going to keep watching the crap out of that series. It's too bad it's over.
kingemocut ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 06:09:44 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
gabe and yatz best gay couple. they will be missed. the LDO supreddit was doing a rewatch thing now too iirc.
Theredcrayola ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 07:27:52 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
My friend is a bit slow an got into an argument with another guy we went to school with. Kid called him a fucking retard. Friend responded with I might be a retard but at least I graduated. Get fucking rekt. And the other guy still hasn't graduated Highschool.
Keasbyjones ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 13:03:30 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Reminds me of a friend playing a club gig. There was a regular that was has some learning difficulties, but the rest of the locals looked after him. While the band was sound checking and going '1,2. 1,2,3...' etc, a voice pipes up from the back of the room 'even I can count higher than that!'
screamingmorgasm ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 13:52:23 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Yahtzee 'Let's drown out'? Did that die? Damn it.
Although I guess he is essentially running 'the escapist' on his own now...
TasteTheRaimbow ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 05:54:41 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
toasted
scaffolder ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 05:59:46 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Based on this comment I'm going to look up that series.
CommandersLog ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:41:31 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
counselor
DyspraxicFool ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 09:47:12 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Hah! I've been wanting to use that one for ages myself.
screamingmorgasm ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 13:52:27 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Yahtzee 'Let's drown out'? Did that die? Damn it.
Although I guess he is essentially running 'the escapist' on his own now...
HeihachiHayashida ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 14:32:06 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
It's because Yahtzee is moving to the states
JulietJulietLima ยท 7525 points ยท Posted at 18:10:35 on September 16, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Hanging out one evening with friends and acquaintances in my yard with beers. Acquaintance (A) is regaling a friend (F) and I with the story of the MMMF foursome he'd had the previous weekend.
Me: Was there some point where all three guys had cum and you all had to sit around until you were ready to go again avoiding eye contact?
A: Actually I never came.
F: Maybe there were too many girls there.
Totally destroyed. We still laugh at that.
HEY_GIRLS_PM_ME_TOES ยท 1796 points ยท Posted at 18:26:10 on September 16, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Kind of an odd thing to talk about with people you barely know.
JulietJulietLima ยท 816 points ยท Posted at 18:45:35 on September 16, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I mean, we knew each other well enough. He'd been to my place before and I'd gone to his. He was a friend of a friend and we'd hung out but not without the mutual friends. Does that make sense?
HEY_GIRLS_PM_ME_TOES ยท 447 points ยท Posted at 18:49:13 on September 16, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Yes but I don't think I would be bragging about running a train on a girl. Sounds like a life time of insults coming his way. " hey remember that time you and a couple of other dudes sword fought with dicks and you lost" I would have kept that on the dl
JulietJulietLima ยท 275 points ยท Posted at 18:54:58 on September 16, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Oh, he told everyone.
Only minutes later when I went in to refresh my drink he was telling my wife and sister in law.
HEY_GIRLS_PM_ME_TOES ยท 735 points ยท Posted at 19:01:18 on September 16, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
What a creep and this is coming from a guy who jerks off to toes
JulietJulietLima ยท 285 points ยท Posted at 21:28:40 on September 16, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
That's the kind of awesome thing that you can only say on the internet.
tugnasty ยท 17 points ยท Posted at 02:56:23 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Or at parties! Like this one time me and two other guys had a foursome with some chick!
JulietJulietLima ยท 14 points ยท Posted at 03:02:21 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Did you also put two dicks in one hole and make her cry a little?
They did.
lilyrae ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 06:41:58 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Stop! My penis can only get so erect!
The_Trumpinator ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 13:42:18 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Maybe they could put 3 in one hole and they'd almost have one normal size one.
LoveMeSexyJesus ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 06:31:42 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Nah he tells everyone.
Veefy ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 01:06:24 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Well hello there Mr Quentin Tarantino. ..
BATTLECATSUPREME ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 21:58:43 on September 16, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
...yeah what a creep
[deleted] ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 01:05:25 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Username checks out
DerangedDesperado ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 05:43:28 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Id say it's trashy for sure, but why is it creepy? Has the definition of creepy changed or does some dude talking about running a train on some girl give you an unsettling feeling?
ONLY_DRUNK-WHEN-POST ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 02:37:20 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I just jerk off on my toes โน๏ธ๏ธ
TheMinecraft13 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 03:35:50 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I just take off my toes.
mors_videt ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 02:46:07 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
What do you like about toes?
HEY_GIRLS_PM_ME_TOES ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 13:18:17 on September 19, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
i just find barefeet sexy.
littlebutcher ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 04:45:55 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
User name checks out
Yuktobania ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 07:16:39 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
It looks like the shoe is on the other foot, now.
kemushi_warui ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 09:00:31 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Hey, don't knock it. Every session is an elevensome.
i_fuck_feet ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 13:36:21 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Your a weird man.
mikronaut ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:17:16 on September 18, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Lol, smooth.
chancegold ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:05:45 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
In my experience, it seems to usually end up that the guy who takes one or two people (acquaintances/opposite sex he just met) into his confidence (wink wink) is the one that comes off as the creep.
The guy who is an incorrigible, overzealously outgoing braggart is usually a guy who everyone rolls their eyes at, but still calls first when they feel like having a good time because he just livens up whatever room he finds himself in. Or he is just seen as a gigantic douche nozzle. It's a very fine line. Rarely, though, is he just defined as "creep".
CaptainMarijuana ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 13:48:54 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Anyone getting tired of the username jokes?
Lets_Draw ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 22:34:43 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
As long as it doesn't bother anyone, what you find kinky is nobody else's business. Jerk free my friend, jerk free.
pyroSeven ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 09:50:08 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
It's not even the cool kind of foursome, why would he tell everyone?
spectralrays ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:11:28 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
He sounds like the kind of dipshit that ruins group fun.
lol_admins_are_dumb ยท 11 points ยท Posted at 04:42:56 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Not everybody is embarrassed about their sexuality
TheGodOfPegana ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 06:41:07 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
On the dick low?
ReynardVulpini ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 14:26:46 on September 18, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I mean you know people can be bisexual right? Dudes don't always have to no-homo it up during an orgy.
cecilrt ยท -1 points ยท Posted at 03:51:55 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
yeah weird, despite what people say guys don't respect other guys who slut around/disrespect females
GorillaDownDicksOut ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 07:43:15 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
That really depends on the type of guy. Some do, some don't.
cecilrt ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 11:55:26 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Put it another way, would you introduce that person to a female friend/sister etc
We may be in awe and jealous of them, respect not really
[deleted] ยท -1 points ยท Posted at 03:33:30 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
But that's because you're just stuck up, loll
HEY_GIRLS_PM_ME_TOES ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 13:19:07 on September 19, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I'm not stuck up but i know how to avoid being the butt of every joke for the rest of my life. Sometimes
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 14:58:15 on September 19, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
That's cool bro
rugratsallthrowedup ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 04:21:39 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Bekannter vs Freund
bliow ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 05:00:59 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Absolutely not
amalgam_reynolds ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 09:13:37 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
"We had each been to the others place of residence once before, so I felt comfortable discussing his mostly gay slightly straight foursome, specifically the jizzing aspects."
Huh?
hisnamewasluchabrasi ยท -1 points ยท Posted at 04:31:15 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Stop asking people that. Of course what you said made sense. There's no need to ask. If they want you to elaborate further they'll ask you. I feel like asking people if what you just said make sense causes them to have to pause uncomfortably, answer your question, then get back to the subject you were talking about.
drukath ยท 14 points ยท Posted at 21:43:39 on September 16, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Says the person asking strangers to send pictures of toes?
jimmythegeek1 ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 00:54:14 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Asking. Nicely.
Michael70z ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 02:23:10 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
To be fair, asking people to PM you there toes is kinda strange for a person to ask people they don't know well too.
Gonzobot ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 10:47:44 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
If you're talking about a gangbang you're way past the point of wondering if you're gonna be insulting with a joke
xannmax ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 04:25:39 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Sorta like random girls sending you pictures of their toes?
HEY_GIRLS_PM_ME_TOES ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 13:17:19 on September 19, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Its different on the internet...because of reasons
Islanduniverse ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:25:20 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
It was probably all bullshit anyway.
Jms1078 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 06:01:13 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
looks at user name
mascotbeaver104 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:05:58 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
It's almost as if it didn't actually happen
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:54:46 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
How is that bad to talk about it people should be more open to talk about about this stuff its hilarious and get be some of the best conversations
[deleted] ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 05:01:17 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I never understand how people get into those situations, but maybe I just need to move out of my small town
Triquetra4715 ยท 28 points ยท Posted at 01:46:14 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I don't get how that's insulting. It's not like the guy is afraid of being called gay.
[deleted] ยท 29 points ยท Posted at 03:03:28 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
[deleted]
Triquetra4715 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:43:23 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
He was telling a story about having sex with three people, two of whom were men.
GorillaDownDicksOut ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 07:44:41 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
A MMMF foresome doesn't mean he was having sex with the guys as well, they could have all just been having sex with the girl.
JulietJulietLima ยท 17 points ยท Posted at 03:08:27 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
It's not that being gay is a bad thing, more that he was treating this as this super manly thing he did, I guess. To flip that around on him was really great.
Summerie ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 06:51:32 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Maybe if you'd called it a 3 on 1 gangbang, they'd understand better. "MMMF foursome" kind of sounds like there was guy-on-guy action.
Triquetra4715 ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 05:44:15 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)*
And calling someone gay is contrary to them being manly?
That wasn't even the point I was making, but I don't know where you're going with that.
SkullShapedCeiling ยท 13 points ยท Posted at 00:41:53 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
i mean, it was already pretty gay... just got a little gayer.
[deleted] ยท 9 points ยท Posted at 04:31:56 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I am pretty sure that there aren't many trios of gays running around and pulling trains on women.
Source: am homo
[deleted] ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 03:40:31 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I know it's not gay when it's in a three-way, but does it become gay when that 4th person is added?
Dumb_Luck_Guy ยท 12 points ยท Posted at 04:31:47 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)*
Trying to figure out which of my friends you are because I was there for that event. We do still laugh about it.
Edit: looked at your comment history and figured our who you are. Hi friend.
TasteTheRaimbow ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 05:11:57 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Dad?
JulietJulietLima ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 19:51:22 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Goddammit.
Am I going to need a new handle or can we just forget this meeting ever occurred?
Dumb_Luck_Guy ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 20:00:41 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
We can pretend this never happened. Also, like two other people know.
[deleted] ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 04:25:33 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Spending the weekend at the burn center must have been boring
[deleted] ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 00:31:43 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I could've sworn I heard something like that in a movie. Still funny, though.
ozzzzzz22 ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 05:15:56 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Does calling someone gay still count as a burn? I thought it was 2016 and we'd all kind of tacitly agreed that making homosexuality the butt of jokes instills in kids and adults alike the message that being gay is something they should be ashamed of and that we decided we shouldn't do it because it makes the world a worse place.
No? Just me?
(How's that for a burn?)
veruus ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 12:56:16 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Heh. Butt.
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 22:39:55 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Yeah, it's just you. Hope you don't strain yourself gazing down from your high horse on we plebs.
geekyfamilyfriendly ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 04:50:25 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
๐ freaking awesome.
xRoisinDubh ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:29:04 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Boom roasted.
MumrikDK ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 06:56:36 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Mister A sounds creepy but F deserves a high five.
hey_thisnomypee ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 06:58:12 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Unless all those guys were also fucking each other, that's called a gangbang.
PigNamedBenis ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 07:32:31 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
But why.... It's not like it got any gayer.
GarbledReverie ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 10:55:21 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
This Gangbang is So Awkward
Sedu ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:16:26 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
If there were three guys and a girl, I kind of assume he's more into guys anyway? Or was this kind of a "balls not touching" kind of thing?
rionhunter ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:46:02 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Is it a sick burn because being homosexual is an insult?
SilkSk1 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 13:49:06 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
No. Being called homosexual is an insult.
putyourdickinmyinbox ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:34:23 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Sounds like a good time too me ;)
cheesefondue ยท -5 points ยท Posted at 03:30:25 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
It's sad that a joke about someone's sexuality is considered a comeback. As if it's so bad to be jokingly called a sexuality that you are not
RangerRickR ยท -1 points ยท Posted at 21:37:45 on September 16, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Can confirm. Threesome, or more, can cause a lot of nerves. It can be difficult to finish for an M. Especially in single F situation.
RangerRickR ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:55:54 on October 7, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Not sure why this was down voted. I speak from experience.
drukath ยท 4670 points ยท Posted at 21:41:43 on September 16, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
"Hi gorgeous, do you want to sit on my face?"
"Why, is your nose bigger than your cock?"
To be fair my friend did have a fairly big nose.
DangersVengeance ยท 461 points ยท Posted at 01:22:34 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I remember hearing that one during some comedy standup in about 1998
94387h5f3 ยท 812 points ยท Posted at 04:47:44 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I recall hearing a similar joke in France around 1640.
countersoul ยท 20 points ยท Posted at 05:32:23 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
You've been around
[deleted] ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 06:50:59 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
The Doctor does indeed get around ifyouknowwhatimean
Indie_uk ยท 16 points ยท Posted at 06:37:57 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I vaguely remember overhearing something similar in the late Cretaceous period
RegularWhiteDude ยท 14 points ยท Posted at 07:05:18 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
If you listen, on a perfect night, you can still hear this joke being whispered in the winds from the Pangaea meteors.
RDSLIAOSH ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 06:56:26 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Ah, the good old days.
PM_ME_GOJI_BERRIES ยท 7 points ยท Posted at 05:49:04 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
clap THE ARISTOCRATS!
tree5eat ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 12:50:57 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Was that AM or PM?
Ajaxlancer ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 20:32:55 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
If it's past 12 it's PM
Elite_AI ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 13:45:48 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
It does sound like something Cyrano would say.
TheOddEyes ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 05:36:06 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
This guy's either a vampire or a time traveler
welcomebackalice ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 12:57:35 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
ok Dracula
solute24 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 13:06:12 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I heard this during fall of Baghdad in 1258
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 07:46:22 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Ahh, the old Crusader-roo
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 08:41:29 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Keanu?
JoanneKerlot ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 21:02:49 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
La Burn
Perk_i ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 04:36:53 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
https://youtu.be/urdf4g-LXk4
UltimateCrimson ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 07:02:03 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
It was from an old ask reddit IIRC
phant-m ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 13:25:51 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Yup. I posted the link to it in another comment.
dctrhu ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:20:17 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I remember Mike Reid used to tell this joke about an old prostitute in the late 1980's
DangersVengeance ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:47:11 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Doesn't surprise me, it's probably even older than that!
ramwham ยท 806 points ยท Posted at 01:36:15 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Gavin Free?
XtremelyNiceRedditor ยท 51 points ยท Posted at 03:22:40 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Damn meg is cold blooded
TCV2 ยท 66 points ยท Posted at 03:52:07 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Why would Meg say that? She has Ryan to keep her satisfied.
Kylegowns ยท 12 points ยท Posted at 05:21:33 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
She did but, Gav secretly changed her contract toforce her to choose between rt and modeling knowing she couldnt give up the sides jobs ultimately to get her away from Ryan. He pulled the ultimatum card out of his nose
Detached09 ยท 8 points ยท Posted at 07:59:01 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Next week on Minecraft, Edgar is a creeper. DUN DUN DUN!
weaselsrepic ยท 17 points ยท Posted at 04:29:11 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I nominate this for most savage comeback.
misterwhite999 ยท 83 points ยท Posted at 02:53:57 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
/r/unexpectedroosterteeth
Revolver_Camelot ยท 24 points ยท Posted at 03:47:54 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I'm kinda disappointed that's not an actual thing.
Fourteen_of_Twelve ยท 17 points ยท Posted at 04:53:49 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Give me half an hour and it will be.
Kylegowns ยท 10 points ยท Posted at 05:18:56 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
You got 6 mins bud. Ping me when its up
Fourteen_of_Twelve ยท 22 points ยท Posted at 05:43:23 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)*
I missed the deadline because of steak, and the original name was longer than Gavin's nose for Reddit to accept, so have /r/UnexpectedRT
Edit: proof of steak
Detached09 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 07:57:43 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
How cute. You get a big-boy-knife but mommy still separates your food for you!
konrad-iturbe ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 14:35:09 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Nice Pebble OG bro
Fourteen_of_Twelve ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:08:39 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Thanks.
IAmA_Evil_Dragon_AMA ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 05:30:19 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Liar
Fourteen_of_Twelve ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 05:32:40 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Okay so I was hungry and made a detour, my bad.
Blagar1 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:34:56 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
How scandalous, what savage animal doesn't finish a promise he made with a stranger online, before eating
Fourteen_of_Twelve ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:41:56 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)*
A savage animal idiot before driving home from the bar.
Also, /r/unexpectedroosterteeth was too long of a name, so now it's /r/UnexpectedRT, enjoy.
Blagar1 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 07:27:27 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Dammit I knew it was savage animal idiot, but damn thanks man for making it
fabdancer95 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:04:52 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Time's up, my friend.
Fourteen_of_Twelve ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:09:13 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Have you looked at my other comments?
Detached09 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 08:00:29 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Is it really unexpected? He can smell the insult before you say it.
[deleted] ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 08:45:47 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Unlike Jon.
undrunkscotsman ยท 15 points ยท Posted at 04:24:42 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
w0t??
PedanticPinniped ยท 15 points ยท Posted at 04:40:39 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
If your legs...
undrunkscotsman ยท 17 points ยท Posted at 04:43:52 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Were leaking headlight fluid?
KernalBacon ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 13:56:38 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
A rock doesn't fly but a bird does.
HammletHST ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 21:12:43 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
didn't know they were legs?
HolmatKingOfStorms ยท 15 points ยท Posted at 05:44:45 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Figure 1
Figure 2
It's a hard choice.
[deleted] ยท 9 points ยท Posted at 04:43:09 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
My boyfriend has a big nose I call him Gavin sometimes
Brutusness ยท 7 points ยท Posted at 04:54:55 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Confused squawking
cyondios ยท 7 points ยท Posted at 04:54:28 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Wot? insert bird noises
fks_gvn ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 05:36:47 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Oi luv
codycus96 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 14:15:20 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Sad to see Dan shitting on Gavin in reddit
Mester_jakel ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:26:28 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Goddamnit! /r/RoosterTeeth is leaking again
almighty_bucket ยท 11 points ยท Posted at 02:33:40 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
"I'll let you be the judge"
blahblahblahokay ยท 33 points ยท Posted at 00:29:04 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
You're friends with shitty people like that?
drukath ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 07:59:03 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I was.
TheNewGuyNickD ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 03:06:05 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I'll give you a hint, it didn't happen
Jaksuhn ยท 11 points ยท Posted at 04:19:14 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
/r/nothingeverhappens
time_for_butt_stuff ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 06:13:19 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
This is a thread specifically for good comebacks and I swear people just came here to call every story fake
[deleted] ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 04:18:36 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Are you friends with Triple H?
thriloka ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 05:09:48 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Usopp from one piece
ramwham ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:35:33 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
How dare you! He's got a massive cock
banjohusky95 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 04:42:18 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
SoFlo
TheGodOfPegana ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 06:50:39 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Cher once famously replied to a similar tweet. https://twitter.com/cher/status/275539840009912320?lang=en
[deleted] ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 03:17:56 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
"I just thought you might like to build up to it. You can sit on my arm next".
cclementi6 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:27:32 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
How do I summon /u/AWildSketchAppeared?
TessarS ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 07:24:48 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I'm pretty sure that's bible verse.
Hellspark08 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 07:47:10 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Hey baby wanna nose job? snort snort
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 09:36:43 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I've read this here before
Stryfer_90 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 09:50:55 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
" if my nose was as big as my cock id have to call it my third foot"
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 12:17:18 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Jews everywhere taking notes right now
drnoisy ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:31:57 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Only two ways to find out
Shadowr54 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 04:46:13 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Better try both just to be sure.
phant-m ยท -1 points ยท Posted at 04:26:25 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Original post: https://www.reddit.com/r/AskReddit/comments/4uu4jn/girls_of_reddit_what_are_the_least_successful/d5t449c
drukath ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 07:58:37 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Sure, because it is impossible that more than one person ever said it.
phant-m ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 13:24:47 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Just doubtful. It's more plausible it's just copied from there.
[deleted] ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 05:11:39 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Who you calling big nose?
JesusDeSaad ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 07:55:28 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
"Nope, but it's good prep."
PoonaniiPirate ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 13:26:53 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Heard this only about a thousand times
drukath ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:23:33 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Well stop using it as your opening line then poon pirate!
PoonaniiPirate ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 16:26:02 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Sit on my face
locks_are_paranoid ยท -7 points ยท Posted at 02:59:10 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Its amazing how Jews have big noses big small cocks.
Kind-of-a-jerk ยท 2280 points ยท Posted at 19:56:01 on September 16, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
"I would have been your daddy, but the dog beat me over the fence."
[deleted] ยท 599 points ยท Posted at 22:35:10 on September 16, 2016 ยท (Permalink)*
[deleted]
xGravemindx ยท 287 points ยท Posted at 23:24:22 on September 16, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
He knows what the ladies like
Sack_Of_Motors ยท 153 points ยท Posted at 02:43:35 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
"Thanks for the tank. He never gets me anything."
[deleted] ยท 39 points ยท Posted at 04:07:47 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)*
[deleted]
[deleted] ยท 53 points ยท Posted at 04:18:57 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Dear humanity: We regret being alien bastards. We regret coming to Earth. And we most definitely regret the Corps just blew up our raggedy ass fleet!
OOH-RAH
Oxideist ยท 16 points ยท Posted at 04:55:08 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
"You heard the man, boys! Time for some hazard pay!"
Foxyfox- ยท 19 points ยท Posted at 05:01:29 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Regret is a name, sergeant.
BlackNexus ยท 14 points ยท Posted at 05:53:26 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)*
The name of a religious leader. A Prophet. He's on that Carrier and he's calling for help.
[deleted] ยท 12 points ยท Posted at 07:32:46 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
[deleted]
BlackNexus ยท 7 points ยท Posted at 07:36:50 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Master Chief, get aboard that carrier, and secure the Prophet of Regret. This is the only place on Earth the Covenant decided to land. That Prophet is going to tell us why.
1337GameDev ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 07:54:57 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Good fucking dammit I miss how epic those games felt compared to h4/5 :(
TimtheBigDaddy ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 08:35:28 on September 18, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I absolutely love that bit of dialogue.
King_of_the_Hobos ยท 38 points ยท Posted at 03:36:21 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Tank beats everything!
BlackNexus ยท 16 points ยท Posted at 05:52:49 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Oh man! I can do this all day!
JuicePiano ยท 13 points ยท Posted at 04:54:20 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I live for halo comment threads.
FuckStartYourHeart ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 06:00:08 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
"He never gets me anything..."
flamedarkfire ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:12:08 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Ladies like superior firepower.
ionwesker ยท -20 points ยท Posted at 01:11:33 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
It's actually a line said by Stacker, not Johnson.
phforNZ ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 04:05:36 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Both, iirc. Johnson had the line in Halo 1, Stacker in 2.
cr125rider ยท 8 points ยท Posted at 04:33:02 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Thanks for all the halo references. Brings back memories!
weinerpug ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:02:19 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
That was my dog's name. We had to put locks on the gates because he could open them otherwise. I always figured he had illegitimate children but I guess I hoped they'd be puppies
ShdwFlm ยท 24 points ยท Posted at 04:18:57 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
/r/unexpectedhalo
Zooomz ยท 10 points ยท Posted at 04:45:23 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Damn, I wished that was a thing. Now I'm going to replay the Halo games asap.
JuicePiano ยท 9 points ยท Posted at 04:56:02 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Just pulled out CE for tonight. Oh lawd how I missed this game. It's so fucking good!
Derf_Jagged ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 07:12:06 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
But /r/HaloOnline is where it's at for online :)
[deleted] ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 05:36:53 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
The forge and custom games for Halo 5 are available for free on PC if you have Windows 10, I recommend checking it out
[deleted] ยท 20 points ยท Posted at 04:16:32 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
[deleted]
eridius10 ยท 35 points ยท Posted at 04:46:08 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
The "dog" fucked your mother.Male dogs fuck female dogs (see "bitch).you are your mothers son. Long story short its a way of saying both "your mom is a bitch" and you're "the son of a bitch". I hope this helped!
bigpoppaRdawg ยท 21 points ยท Posted at 04:59:01 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
God that is a long way of saying that.
*But thank you for the explanation. Very helpful.
Bunslow ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 08:36:30 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
What's the fence got to do with anything...?
HomoRapien ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 10:04:29 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Just a more fun way of saying "beat me to it"
JuicePiano ยท 7 points ยท Posted at 04:57:21 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Johnson!
neutronfish ยท 9 points ยท Posted at 02:09:30 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
"At least the dog made a better dad than you."
ihatethesidebar ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 03:02:15 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
What was the context?
skyraider17 ยท 11 points ยท Posted at 03:25:42 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
http://halo.wikia.com/wiki/IWHBYD
[deleted] ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 02:51:26 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Untouchable ( อกยฐ อส อกยฐ)
jinhong91 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 06:22:18 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
"Son of a bitch" was my instant reaction to it
HammletHST ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 21:14:39 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
that's basically what you're calling him here
[deleted] ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 05:10:51 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
"... but your mom didn't have change for a nickel."
A million of these, first heard it in 89.
galacticjihad ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 13:18:00 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I would have been your father, but your mom didn't have change for a dollar.
tdog473 ยท -3 points ยท Posted at 07:52:05 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Rooster teeth ftw
tmassofficial ยท -23 points ยท Posted at 00:41:40 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
this is like posting "i am rubber you are glue". super old and well known expression
skyraider17 ยท 15 points ยท Posted at 03:26:22 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Except most people now know it from Halo
VonnegutIncarnate ยท 1230 points ยท Posted at 00:01:08 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Just today, I was in my financial algebra class. The teacher wrote the assignment on the board and this nerdy kid got up to take a picture of it. Well, the bitchy girl in front of the board gets all pissed and yells at him to stop taking pictures of her. He calmly says: "I was just taking a picture of the board, you don't have to be so narcissistic." The thing that makes this is that the girl didn't know what the word narcissistic meant. She just stared at him and finally someone explained it to her. She just says "So? I don't give a fuck." But the damage was done and she looked like an idiot. I was fucking rolling.
TasteTheRaimbow ยท 64 points ยท Posted at 05:48:50 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I know by rolling you mean you were laughing, however I can't help but visualize you tripping the fuck out while this happened.
HippieKillerHoeDown ยท 17 points ยท Posted at 06:32:37 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I just got a memo about the young people speak, and apparently "lit" no longer means drunk or literature, apparently it's "happy excited" now....
northrupthebandgeek ยท 10 points ยท Posted at 07:59:18 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
To be fair, I'm generally "happy excited" when I'm drunk or literature, so I can't really complain about this particular evolution of English vernacular.
HippieKillerHoeDown ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 08:05:16 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
No, but it was some stupid comedian talking about young people talk, and he went off on "bae, lit and sheezy ( or some fucking thing, sheezy sounds wrong, something about....Flee, that was it) was just confused. Lit is old. So's Flee.
NightGod ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 09:30:27 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Fleek*
TasteTheRaimbow ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 09:49:45 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Fetch*
NightGod ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 10:08:33 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Stop trying to make fetch happen!!
FlyingSandwich ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 14:09:42 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
"That was a sick burn, I love you all so much right now"
Azoonux ยท 83 points ยท Posted at 04:58:50 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
"I was taking a picture of the board, not the broad"
Kawaninja ยท 14 points ยท Posted at 07:08:50 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
"Trust me, I'm trying not to."
SimplyNigh ยท 12 points ยท Posted at 05:58:39 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Fuck, that would have been great too!
elastic-craptastic ยท 25 points ยท Posted at 04:56:21 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Damn. I would love to a see an asshole get knocked down a peg or 3 like that... with a word that should be known by every adult but they don't know the definition...
I would swim in that schadenfreude.
197708156EQUJ5 ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 14:38:16 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
That was my codename in Wolfenstein. I loved when I killed others and watching them wallow in misery.
Zerichon ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 05:21:56 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Would you like to visit Avenue Q?
elastic-craptastic ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 06:31:00 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Why? Do I get to swim when I get there?
What is this Avenue Q you speak of? The musical? The book? A real place where people get made fun of?
bugdog ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 08:10:40 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
He clearly means Lubbock.
Tskuimi ยท 18 points ยท Posted at 05:43:16 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
The concept of taking a picture of the assignment on the board instead of fucking writing it down just blew my mind. I'm done today.
Sepof ยท 24 points ยท Posted at 06:22:43 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Eh. Copying down a long formula vs "swipe. click" on your way out the door is pretty easy math to figure out.
This is the same idea as people who make audio recordings of lectures (not sure if people still do this actually).
Joba_Fett ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 14:29:45 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
My sister took audio recordings of lectures but that's because she's dyslexic to the point of having trouble writing sometimes. Really helped her out.
HippieKillerHoeDown ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 06:31:12 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)*
after hearing a lecture once...yeah...no. takes too long....but if i'm ever in college again, pretty sure the google has some sort of audio to text deal...
SlothyTheSloth ยท 7 points ยท Posted at 06:51:18 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Well if you live a long way from campus and have a long drive, or have free time and use it do something physical and not mental you can listen to a recording, probably a lot easier to get through than text to speech.
northrupthebandgeek ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 08:02:02 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I guess it's just a difference in learning style. For me, video and audio materials are effectively worthless, since I like to be able to easily move back and forth through the material as I see fit, and time-bound media are by no means suited to that kind of out-of-order navigation.
Sepof ยท -3 points ยท Posted at 06:38:48 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
How would that possibly take too long? And speech to text software used during lectures on college level subject matter is a recipe for disaster. What that shit will spit out is going to be so wrong and potentially mangled half the time, it would be counter-effective.
However, I used this method to great effect. You take notes and record the lecture. In your notes, you bookmark the start of the lecture, the topics covered, and at what time they are covered.
This way you have a table of contents from your notes that allows you to refer back to check for any missed information on specific subjects.
Alternatively, you develop shorthand or the teacher provides you with digital notes (likely more common now) or written notes on a display like a projector.
I highly recommend college or higher education depending on your interests and abilities. Lectures can be interesting or dull, depending on the subject matter and the speaker. That's part of life though.
You're going to have to sit through boring shit a lot. Sometimes, the more boring shit you're willing to sit through, the more exciting the rest of your time will be. So it's really all about what you want.
HippieKillerHoeDown ยท 7 points ยท Posted at 07:00:59 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Oh, and shove your advice up your ass, I was talking as a former college student who is quite happy in his life, take your condescension to that same gaping asshole you seem to be.
Sepof ยท -7 points ยท Posted at 07:04:08 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Rofl.
You sound like a total moron, honestly. I felt bad. Not anymore.
You said you "went to a lecture once" and 'if you ever go back" like some moronic 19 year old who thinks their job as a laborer making $12/hr is a good end-game.
HippieKillerHoeDown ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 07:20:31 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I meant after hearing a lecture once, not that I've only ever heard one. Hows your reading comprehension?
Sepof ยท -3 points ยท Posted at 07:30:37 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Saying you did something once implies you did it once ... what a shock.
And it's good enough to pick up on the mechanical mistakes in your writing. Also that you left college and can't seem to grasp the concept of lectures or their point.
You seem awfully mad someone has implied you aren't very bright. I take it this isn't your first time.
HippieKillerHoeDown ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 07:46:48 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I don't take condescension from some asshat well, no, especially when it's due to putting my thoughts out there in plain language, you'll learn the value of that in your future when people get sick of your shit.
Sepof ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 18:46:44 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
You are an idiot.
You should stick to you own advice and not make presumptions about people. Although your grammar and writing clearly show you are uneducated, whereas I've just been relaying experiences from college along with advice.
That being said, I am a regional director in my current profession. I have 400 hourly employees and 9 managers directly below me. I have a company car and apartment. I worked my way up in this career because I'm well liked and get the most out of my employees.
I don't know what you do and it doesn't really matter. I never asked, nor implied anything. I only ever played up the merits of higher education. Your terrible writing and borderline incoherency revealed that you need one. Then maybe you could've understood.what I actually said, or even reaponded with something relevant yourself.
HippieKillerHoeDown ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 18:56:28 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
What the fuck did you just fucking say about me, you little bitch? Iโll have you know I graduated top of my class in the Navy Seals, and Iโve been involved in numerous secret raids on Al-Quaeda, and I have over 300 confirmed kills. I am trained in gorilla warfare and Iโm the top sniper in the entire US armed forces. You are nothing to me but just another target. I will wipe you the fuck out with precision the likes of which has never been seen before on this Earth, mark my fucking words. You think you can get away with saying that shit to me over the Internet? Think again, fucker. As we speak I am contacting my secret network of spies across the USA and your IP is being traced right now so you better prepare for the storm, maggot. The storm that wipes out the pathetic little thing you call your life. Youโre fucking dead, kid. I can be anywhere, anytime, and I can kill you in over seven hundred ways, and thatโs just with my bare hands. Not only am I extensively trained in unarmed combat, but I have access to the entire arsenal of the United States Marine Corps and I will use it to its full extent to wipe your miserable ass off the face of the continent, you little shit. If only you could have known what unholy retribution your little โcleverโ comment was about to bring down upon you, maybe you would have held your fucking tongue. But you couldnโt, you didnโt, and now youโre paying the price, you goddamn idiot. I will shit fury all over you and you will drown in it. Youโre fucking dead, kiddo.
Sepof ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:58:41 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Yea. I mean I knew the elevator didn't go to the top floor from the first few comments, never really expected angry delusions.
HippieKillerHoeDown ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 19:03:07 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
(for fucks sakes dude, you are pretty dense for someone who acts like he's so fucking smart, was demonstrating I can make shit up too.)
Sepof ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:10:29 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
If you look at my comment history, I've been working/commenting on politics from that perspective for about as long as I've had this account.
I'm glad you think that was a rational response though. I never said I was smart. I relayed an experience and resource in college that you failed to comprehend. I explained it. You noted that you went to a lecture "once" and it was "long."
I then noted the importance of higher education, because that's some shit only an immature child or slow adult would say.
Everything else you are taking away is imaginary. I never said you were dumb until you insulted me and proved it yourself.
I didn't take what you said seriously, but it definitely indicates a lot about the type of person you are. And that's not a smart one.
HippieKillerHoeDown ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 19:34:32 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Ok, Mr. Vincent Adultman, hows things down at the Business Factory?
Sepof ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:39:21 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
FTFY. English is hard.
HippieKillerHoeDown ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 06:53:29 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I read faster than i listen. Was that not clear? After sitting through the lecture once, I don't want to hear it again.
Sepof ยท -3 points ยท Posted at 07:01:51 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
It has nothing to do with reading. It has to do with being able to effectively write down what someone is saying and keep up.
At some colleges, with certain speakers, this could be very challenging.
I think you miss the point. The idea is not to listen to the whole lecture again, but rather to use it as a resource if you couldn't keep up with certain notes or to re-iterate certain things.
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 07:25:20 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)*
[removed]
Sepof ยท -4 points ยท Posted at 07:35:08 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
You do realize you can combine comments into one coherent statement right? You don't need to make two seperate comments five minutes apart
You're saying thst you read faster than you listen. Okay. Congratulations. You don't read lectures, you listen to them. Holy shit. I overlooked your arrogance because I was giving you the benefit of the doubt and assumed you were referring to reading your notes vs listening to a recording of a lecture.
I certainly never mentioned the value of education to insult you. It was because you obviously need one.
pielover88888 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 07:43:26 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
wowie, you need to go think about what you've been doing in this thread.
Sepof ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:50:37 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Lol. Responding to a moron? Okay.
If someone can't grasp basic ideas and form a sentence, they are an idiot. Plain and simple.
I responded in kind. He deleted and editted his comments so meh.
pielover88888 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:51:25 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Actually they are
[removed]by a moderator,[deleted]is if they deleted it.Sepof ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 18:59:57 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Interesting... I wonder if it's because he changed it to something similar to his latest comment.
That one's about how he's a navy seal threatening to come kill me.
Let's just say that this guy is definitely home, but the lights ain't on.
kuasha420 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 23:09:27 on September 19, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I have eye problems and can't really read stuff from board if I'm a couple bench away, Phone camera helps a lot in that case!
Trhel2 ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 05:07:08 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Should have said "I know you have a hard time spelling, but I'm taking a picture of the board, not the broad."
Bisping ยท 10 points ยท Posted at 04:50:00 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
if you don't give a fuck, then shut up
I hate people lol.
BlessedMilk ยท 8 points ยท Posted at 07:53:08 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I had something similar happen. I was on the bus and this dude and his friends were giving me shit and swearing a lot. I finally got fed up and said " you know I hear the more you swear the smaller your vocabulary is" the one giving me the most grief pipes up and says " what the fuck is a vocabulary" his friends didn't stop giving him shit for the rest of the bus ride.
iHeartHerEyes ยท -2 points ยท Posted at 08:53:11 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
hahaha
graaass_tastes_baduh ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 22:27:41 on September 18, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Probably shouldn't be doing molly in school
ReasonablyBadass ยท -2 points ยท Posted at 05:27:33 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
"I was just taking a picture of the board, not of a broad"
[deleted] ยท 6666 points ยท Posted at 18:44:20 on September 16, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
A girl and her about to be ex-boyfriend were arguing:
She: "What's she got that I ain't got?"
He: "She has job, she cooks, she cleans, she doesn't waste her money on dumb shit, she doesn't just sit on her ass watching Dr. Phil..." and so on for about five minutes.
TL;DR: She asked; he gave her a real answer.
๐๏ธ Koean ยท 2936 points ยท Posted at 18:48:13 on September 16, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Always dangerous to ask a question you don't want the answer to.
[deleted] ยท 932 points ยท Posted at 18:53:06 on September 16, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I'm just glad I walked away before he went into the sex stuff the new girl did. I didn't hear it, but I'm assuming since he went in like that, the sex stuff probably came up.
GunPriestWolfwood ยท 53 points ยท Posted at 05:30:14 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
"SHE DOESN'T FORGET THE BALLS"
[deleted] ยท 11 points ยท Posted at 05:55:16 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
She doesn't bitch about Donna at work!
dendawg ยท 24 points ยท Posted at 23:54:47 on September 16, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
FTFY
[deleted] ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 08:04:35 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Among other things ๐
kaloonzu ยท 8 points ยท Posted at 02:14:51 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Rule I learned from Law & Order: when dealing with a tricky situation, never ask a question you don't already know the answer to.
[deleted] ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 00:59:19 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I ask those questions to my friends sometimes. I want them to be honest and tell me if I am being fucking retarded.
[deleted] ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 21:27:43 on September 16, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Are you the Korean Arliss?
blahblahbush ยท 9 points ยท Posted at 02:24:57 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Women just don't understand this.
Guys won't ask the question they don't want the answer to.
Women will ask the question, then bitch about the answer if they don't like it.
hey_hey_you_you ยท 23 points ยท Posted at 05:23:52 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Booooollocks. Questions I've been asked by men that they clearly don't want the answer to include the gender flipped version of that one, so so many questions about the adequacy/supremacy of their dick (depending on the type of guy), whether I came (they clearly didn't care because they either did nothing to amend the situation or or accused me of being somehow defective), and uncountable times when they asked me my opinion when they just wanted me to back up what they just said and cut me off when I started to disagree.
In the eternal, magical hunt for Yes Men, there ain't much to distinguish the sexes.
blahblahbush ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 06:14:13 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Yeah, well some guys are stupid.
hey_hey_you_you ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 12:45:22 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
No, some people are stupid. This is something that men and women both do, most often in romantic or sexual contexts. I'm guessing you're a straight dude, so you rarely hear men doing it. So you presume it's something just women do. I'm just telling you, it's definitely not a gendered thing.
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 04:12:55 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Like when you ask your girlfriend who her celebrity hall pass is?
nobodylovesyourmum ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:10:33 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I'm sure Christopher Darden learned that by now
MrBunshell ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:27:29 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Especially when she has job.
Draskuul ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:35:06 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I tend to think people like this are just too dumb to understand that concept.
UninvitedGhost ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 07:10:11 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
LPT
pjabrony ยท 489 points ยท Posted at 21:05:03 on September 16, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
"What she's got, you couldn't spell, and what you've got, you used to have."
Magical_Gravy ยท 825 points ยท Posted at 22:11:21 on September 16, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
"gonorrhea" is pretty hard to spell, to be fair.
Zebrog ยท 9 points ยท Posted at 05:42:14 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
So is diarrhea. Or maybe that's just me. Who the fuck decided how to spell some of these words?
Edit: 1 r wasn't good enough? And why the h. I mean really, just fuck right the fuck off.
2nd_law_is_empirical ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 07:09:47 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
In British English it's diarrhoea.
_poppies_ ยท 8 points ยท Posted at 01:49:57 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
That's a pretty sick comeback tbh
jp_mclovin ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 04:38:31 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Your gravy sounds much less magical now.
TwoTonMantis ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 02:59:42 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I always have issues with words like that. Diarrhea I'll always fuck up spelling the first time too. Deodorant I finally have down, but used to put too many r's into it or thought there was an h somewhere in it.
bliow ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 05:04:11 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
oh look at mr i-can-spell-gonorrhea over here, we're all super-impressed with you right now
[deleted] ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 11:54:23 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
So too "Diarrhoea"
Fallen_Angel96 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 04:46:05 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I find liquid poop is harder to spell.
HaagenDazs ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 04:13:16 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Lol
littlebutcher ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 04:46:37 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Burn
[deleted] ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 00:47:40 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Pretty much. She just looked so angry, which then melted into complete destruction.
[deleted] ยท -1 points ยท Posted at 04:31:31 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Syphilis is pretty hard to spell.
Islanduniverse ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 05:26:35 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I know I told you I'd be true
But Tina got a big ole butt
So I'm leavin' you
[deleted] ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 05:54:55 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Upvote for 80s era LL Cool J.
partanimal ยท 7 points ยท Posted at 05:27:49 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I can see why they broke up. Sounds like he was cheating.
524038-2 ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 13:31:40 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I know. No matter how great the other woman was it was no excuse for him to cheat. I would have been happy to lose him.
thekingdomcoming ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 03:59:40 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Sounds like he went from the minimum wage job of women to the $55,000 +401k & benefits of women, if you get what I mean...
[deleted] ยท 12 points ยท Posted at 04:48:33 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Given what I saw of the guy, and the girl screeching at him, I think it was more like he went from the $20/hour corner "independent contractor" to the $50/hour Backpage.com girl.
thekingdomcoming ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 05:12:27 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Boy aren't we generous with titles?
[deleted] ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 05:54:22 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Could be, but truthfully, if prostitution is ever decriminalized in America (or legalized in places other than Nevada), we will probably be using these very titles.
Fun fact: Many strip clubs employ their dancers as "independent contractors" and the dancers themselves are responsibly for tax reporting, rather than having the club issue a W2 form.
LibertyIsNotFree ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 06:29:37 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
From stripper AMAs here I've also seen many clubs literally charge the girls money, let alone pay them.
[deleted] ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 10:53:27 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Hence, "contractor". You're doing your job here, you owe so much stage rent, kind of like booth rentals at some salons.
LibertyIsNotFree ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 17:35:42 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Everything I've ever read in the stripper AMAs just made me want to own a strip club. Seems like the best business model ever. Everyone pays you, and you provide next to nothing.
Famixofpower ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 04:23:07 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
And to top it all off, she has the world's greatest ass!!!!
reenact12321 ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 05:46:00 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
"I MADE A CHART!"
[deleted] ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 05:56:15 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
"If you'll look at fiscal 2013, in the 3rd quarter, you fell off in sexual productivity..."
meltedwhitechocolate ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 06:41:41 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Lol who are these people and what is the context?! Were you there or do you know them? It's baffling me that this has so many up votes lol such a generic story with a generic script. Reads like a Big Bang theory script template
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 10:52:33 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Ex-neighbors of mine. They were kind of trashy, but man, that was entertaining.
Deezl-Vegas ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 06:49:46 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I am known for relatively sick burns, but really I just have a dry sense of humor and hit people with the truth.
The truth is the sickest burn.
Bed_Post_Detective ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 04:27:05 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Thanks. That was too long to read.
krispygrem ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 05:47:10 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
She let him finish saying that? Sounds like a keeper, I can't say anything without interruptions
Indylicious ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 14:40:20 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Short answer to the old "what's he/she have that I don't have?" Is "Me."
[deleted] ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 01:03:41 on September 18, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
So true. Just...it has to be painful, but don't make it worse.
SanFransicko ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 06:58:21 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Basically just did this to my soon-to-be-ex-wife. 5 pages, single spaced.
moviefan6 ยท -24 points ยท Posted at 20:05:09 on September 16, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Was a firm grasp on grammar on the list?
WobblyKnok ยท 34 points ยท Posted at 20:17:37 on September 16, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Pedantic mother fucker ain't ya?
BATTLECATSUPREME ยท 10 points ยท Posted at 21:56:07 on September 16, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Probably shallow also
brikad ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 23:48:12 on September 16, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
http://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/ain't
swigglediddle ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 04:59:31 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
It's in the dictionary
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:48:46 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Should have been!
Rxy701 ยท 2177 points ยท Posted at 21:56:53 on September 16, 2016 ยท (Permalink)*
Mean (and, important to the story, fat) girl is talking shit to my boyfriend's friend. She is slinging horrible insults, ending in "you'll never amount to anything."
My boyfriend chimes in, "Yeah? Well you'll never amount to less than 300 pounds!"
He was like 22 at the time and the most mild mannered guy ever and gets very embarrassed when I bring this up at parties.
EDIT: "Embarrassed" was apparently the wrong word. It's a silly, funny, "I can't believe I said that either!" type of thing. Not "why would you say that oh god" type of thing. Fear not!
Rathka96 ยท 136 points ยท Posted at 00:24:20 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
How did she respond?
WolbachiaBurgers ยท 524 points ยท Posted at 01:01:23 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
She didn't. She ded
Touchmycooker ยท 128 points ยท Posted at 01:43:48 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
rip in peace fat bitch
recordcollection64 ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 06:54:15 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Impossible not to read that in Cartman's voice
ThadeusOfNazereth ยท -62 points ยท Posted at 02:19:35 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I think you mean RIP fat bitch. What you're saying is Rest In Peace In Peace fat bitch
MaximumRafiki ยท 80 points ยท Posted at 02:20:56 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
You must not reddit very often
ThadeusOfNazereth ยท -47 points ยท Posted at 02:24:58 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
shhhhhhhhhhhhhh
It was my own sad attempt at a savage comeback
adamw411 ยท 40 points ยท Posted at 03:34:26 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
D- for effort
wENTtobuyweed ยท 9 points ยท Posted at 07:18:12 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
That's generous
TheMinecraft13 ยท 11 points ยท Posted at 03:42:33 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
You forgot to put a period at the end of your sentence!
(savage right)
[deleted] ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 03:51:50 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
You used parenthesis! Don't you know that parenthesis (however relevant), are unnecessary?
Don't forget to always be more or less specific. Oh, and prepositions aren't things to end sentences with. And do try not to add and superfluous, redundant, unnecessary, and unneeded adjectives.
dustarook ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 03:59:13 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Parenthesis refers to one single parenthesis. For plural you are looking for "parentheses."
I'm not normally a grammar nazi but figured I better do my part to keep the grammar-correcting thread going.
[deleted] ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 04:09:20 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
no acknowledgement of the other jokes, fine then sobs
Uhura_Sits_Backwards ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 06:42:27 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Girl so fat you gotta say it twice.
kaloonzu ยท 15 points ยท Posted at 02:16:50 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
From diabeetus.
xddm2653 ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 07:59:39 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Some say she still over 300 pounds to this day
NukeML ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 09:24:28 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
fat gurl is kill
aniketj ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 13:31:02 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
More like rekt.
itsfatmatt ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 18:16:08 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I fucking love your name.
WolbachiaBurgers ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 18:23:02 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
My name? I'm on mobile so the comments seem wonky to me.
itsfatmatt ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 19:56:33 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Ya I assume it an mgs reference.
WolbachiaBurgers ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 20:27:26 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Oh! Yeah it is! Thanks!
Tinfoilpain ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 10:43:39 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Love me some bacon in the morning.
Shadowex3 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 09:38:19 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Remember the end of the first ghostbusters movie? That face Stay Puft makes?
JohnnyHammerstix ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:26:51 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
The Head Chef ushered her away so he could use her tears to refill the frialator.
major84 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:52:47 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
she ate her feelings
I_PEE_WITH_THAT ยท 16 points ยท Posted at 08:45:15 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
There was a chick in my Japanese class that was the typical hateful chubby girl, that had to be the center of attention and never shut the fuck up about being in theatre. One day at the end of the year (top floor of the school, windows didn't open far, it was fucking hot) she decides to start theatre sighing every few minutes.
Person studying tell her to shut up.
Theatre Bitch "you'll be living in this shitty town still in a few years, you know what I'll have?"
Friend behind me "Diabetes, a heart attack, a stroke, an apearance on Dr. Phil when they have to knock a wall down to get you out of the house for your yearly bath?"
She didn't come back the next year.
[deleted] ยท 31 points ยท Posted at 01:30:32 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
As somebody that is mild-mannered and quiet I would hate to have someone say a story like that if it were about me. He probably doesn't like the limelight.
Reddichu9001 ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 01:30:55 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Holy shot, that's an awesome friend.
sambeano ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 06:20:25 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
โThere are three things all wise men fear: the sea in storm, a night with no moon, and the anger of a gentle man.โ - Patrick Rothfuss
fuck-dat-shit-up ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 04:07:16 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Once a coworker loudly stated that a rascal shopping cart is on standby at walmart for this one fat coworker who was a bitch. She wasn't rascal fat, but it wasn't far off.
waltjrimmer ยท -14 points ยท Posted at 01:43:03 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I mean, yeah, good on him and it sounds like she deserved it, but why would you bring it up at parties if it bothers him?
salty_john ยท 58 points ยท Posted at 02:03:16 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Because that's what friends do, tell embarrassing stories about each other.
RaisonDebt ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 05:46:58 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Friends, sure. I think significant other is a different situation.
curiouslyendearing ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 06:33:56 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
"my boyfriend's friend" not her SO.
McMooserson ยท 8 points ยท Posted at 06:48:18 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
"my boyfriend chimes in" definitely her SO
TinaEatTheHam ยท 5454 points ยท Posted at 17:23:21 on September 16, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
"I had sex with your mom last night" "My mom's dead" "Yeah, that's because I fucked her to death"
(Said during a game of pickup basketball in high school)
jmerridew124 ยท 4071 points ยท Posted at 19:30:56 on September 16, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
"I didn't know she died of boredom."
m-p-3 ยท 1599 points ยท Posted at 22:23:38 on September 16, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
... is what you'd say if you thought about it on the spot, and not recounting the argument to yourself in the shower 8 hours later.
commonabond ยท 694 points ยท Posted at 23:39:23 on September 16, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
The jerk store called!
kantostartershirt ยท 237 points ยท Posted at 01:00:25 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
What,did they run out of you?
[deleted] ยท 46 points ยท Posted at 02:16:48 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
OH YEAH? Well I had sex with your wife!
SaggiSponge ยท 22 points ยท Posted at 03:51:33 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
u/rrepulsar... His wife is in a coma.
IDespiseTheLetterG ยท 9 points ยท Posted at 04:48:45 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Well if she wasn't before she definitely is now
Bombuss ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 09:50:59 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Well, I didn't know she coma'd from boredom!
IDespiseTheLetterG ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 13:04:22 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
She coma'd a few times last night if you know what I mean
Tiiba ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 02:41:53 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
So, how was your mom in bed?
kantostartershirt ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:49:43 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I don't have a wife.
CrimsonSaint150 ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 06:12:52 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Or so you think.
kantostartershirt ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 14:09:53 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Yeah, because I don't have one.
stls ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 04:35:45 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
My wife's dead...
TheDionysiac ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 07:25:03 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I knew I'd find it in here somewhere :)
Fortysevens11 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 04:29:22 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
"I'm gay."
Toxicitor ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 14:52:57 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I know. You used to be bi, but then you met your wife.
altaltaltpornaccount ยท 12 points ยท Posted at 04:29:22 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Who cares? You're their best seller.
kantostartershirt ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 14:08:44 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)*
Besides you,of course.
The_Wrong_Scientist ยท -1 points ยท Posted at 04:48:19 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Man that's like the 3rd halo reference in this thread. It's awesome
kantostartershirt ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 14:07:43 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I have never in my life played halo.
The_Wrong_Scientist ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 14:34:00 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Oh? Where is that from then? There's a character in halo who says that, it's an Easter egg. I just assumed it was original thing
yairzvi16 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:26:07 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Its seinfeld
Thor_PR_Rep ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:51:18 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
They're running out of you!
maggos ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 04:31:38 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
His wife is in a coma
pyroSeven ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 09:54:20 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
And they ran out of you!
RECOGNI7E ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 23:26:41 on September 16, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Save it for next time. Someone always seems to want to fuck my old mom.
Mrbrionman ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 00:05:45 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
More like 8 years later.
Soakitincider ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 03:42:11 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
And then you wait. You wait for a lifetime for the opportunity to use it. It won't ever happen though.
InstantNoodles ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 05:37:09 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
you mean years later?
amazingdrjay ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 02:45:31 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
r/showercomebacks
MuzzleBlast ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 03:37:58 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
That is the worst feeling. " I should have said x or Y. FUCK!"
UninvitedGhost ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 07:13:03 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
L'esprit de douche?
[deleted] ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 07:36:54 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
*8 years later
[deleted] ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 07:58:00 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
....15 years after the occurrence
FranklyDear ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 08:20:11 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Ahem, 8 years later
Hiimbeeb ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 16:02:02 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Don't you hate this?
I'm a quick thinker and usually have some fantastic on-the-spot comebacks, but 10-15 minutes after the exchange I always think of something so much better.
BeCurry ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:20:29 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
L'esprit d'escalier
juicius ยท 9 points ยท Posted at 04:23:39 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
We would also accept "died of disappointment."
Richa5280 ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 04:06:23 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
"So that's why she didn't make any noise"
jamesbondq ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 03:59:18 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
"When I was done with her, there was nothing else that seemed like it would be worth living."
-GWM- ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 23:58:34 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
"So that's the reason she committed suicide.."
AriaTheTransgressor ยท 42 points ยท Posted at 17:28:53 on September 16, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Yo Tunnel, you're momma's deaf...
Sefdiggity ยท 18 points ยท Posted at 17:39:28 on September 16, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
My mothers dead, you little twerp
constantvariables ยท 25 points ยท Posted at 20:52:21 on September 16, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I guess that's why she didn't move around a lot.
IThund3rSt0rMI ยท 15 points ยท Posted at 23:10:10 on September 16, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Just hanging out, playing Nintendo... Cock
SkullShapedCeiling ยท 11 points ยท Posted at 00:45:30 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
some day i'm gonna own a big sports bar.
SrraHtlTngoFxtrt ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 06:25:32 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Hey Pigfucker, can I call you Pigfucker?
Sefdiggity ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 11:06:01 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Did I just fart???
SrraHtlTngoFxtrt ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 20:53:58 on September 18, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Ooh, now you gotta go fetch the ball, bitch.
DGlen ยท 10 points ยท Posted at 00:55:13 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I swear if you guys rip on me 13 or 14 more times I'm outta here.
Th4t9uy ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 20:46:28 on September 16, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I guess that's why she didn't move much.
fustratedfrank ยท 56 points ยท Posted at 19:19:50 on September 16, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
That dude should have gotten the shit kicked out of him
[deleted] ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 05:14:37 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Worth it.
BearyPotter ยท 12 points ยท Posted at 00:10:08 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
"That must be why she didn't move much."
geared4war ยท 8 points ยท Posted at 23:58:57 on September 16, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
"It was suicide so that makes sense"
Dick_Souls_II ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 00:46:41 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
First time I heard a joke like this was in the movie Baseketball.
Ahryi ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 02:36:56 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
One of my buddies I was pretty close to (he had never met my parents and we never talked about either of our home lives) got his ass kicked by me in a race. So of course, he immediately said: "It's fine, filling your mom's ass last night was worth being a little sore and losing to you."
Without thinking, I just responded: "I hope you put her back in her grave when you were done, wouldn't want the next people visiting her to find an empty coffin."
I have never seen a teenage boy look so mortified in my life. I will forever torment him with that story. I told my mom as well, and when they met she just could not stop laughing.
crazymonkey752 ยท 7 points ยท Posted at 00:26:17 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
My favorite response I have ever heard to that came from a kid on xbox live. "I fucked you mom last night" "jokes on you my mom is dead" "that explains why she didn't move much".
Dougness ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 02:33:05 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I think you mean baseketball
BurryBurr ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 03:31:06 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
My friend pulled this one except ended with "Holy shit, she died from that?"
felixfelix ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 02:37:28 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
No that's your adopted mom. Your birth mom left you in the middle of the freeway because you're such a mutant. She's great in bed though!
[deleted] ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 03:31:59 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
During my high school years the "your mom..." Phrase was in its boom period. My mom died when Inwas in 9th grade. Oh how fun it was to make people feel like shit by filling them in.
edruler99 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 03:59:47 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Mine response to that is "Good luck fucking a pile of ashes". They usually shut up.
AidenKraver ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 23:25:11 on September 16, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Oh god that legit actually happened today.... My friends are evil monsters...
gray_rain ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 04:54:31 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
You legit need new friends.
AidenKraver ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 04:56:57 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Yeah I do
EzeDoes_It ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:51:47 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
"No wonder she wasn't moving."
fuckin_ded ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:32:36 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
"...death...BY POONTAH!"
AlmightyRuler ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:27:05 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
"The spirit is willing, but the flesh is spongy and bruised."
1Baffled_with_bs ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:54:43 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
In a similiar situation. I replied i know the shovel is in my car. He shut up pdq.
Timmay13 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 04:14:39 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
"I guess that explains why she didn't move much."
unlock0 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 04:25:36 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
My response to "I fucked your mom last night" is "I hope you used lube because she was cremated".
MartyMcfly237 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 04:37:41 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Yo dick couldn't break skin if it tried
guitarhead ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 04:40:43 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
So that's why she fucking smelled so bad
rglitched ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 04:46:23 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Ah, the one-two combo.
My friend had a similar one to this. We were at band camp and he'd been mercilessly teasing one of our classmates with 'your mom' jokes.
After three days the guy loses his shit, "Will you shut the fuck up about my mom?!"
"Fine, your sister then."
"I don't have a sister."
"You do now. Say hi to your mom for me. wink"
ACuddlyVizzerdrix ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 04:48:03 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Something very similar happened to me in high school, guy was pissed my team was winning in basketball, he was a "jock" and we were fit nerds except, he called me a "bitch" i said "your moms a bitch" he said "my mom is dead" and I'm pumped with adrenaline and just say what's on my mind "GOOD!!"
Negromancers ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 04:49:08 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Choked on small parts
abigthirstyteddybear ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 04:54:22 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
A simple "I know" would have been sufficient.
bliow ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:06:18 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Yes, I suppose that's a good comeback if you're twelve.
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:10:20 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
My go to:
"I fucked your mom"
"Joke's on you my moms gross!"
Nutzillaa ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:14:13 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Reminds me of a joke from the movie Baseketball:
Squeak: I had sex with your mother last night.
Big, Scary Dude: My mother's dead, you little freak.
Squeak: I guess that's why she didn't move around a lot.
countersoul ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:33:37 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
That's fucking savage
izakk133 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:36:29 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
"My mom's dead"
"Did I fucking stutter?"
luckysevs ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:39:40 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
And thats why your mom's in a wheelchair
Sejjeto ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:46:43 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
So I said something similar to a friend.
Friend: "I'm so tired" Me: "I'm tired from fucking your mom last night" Friend: " You know my Mom's Dead" Me: "Yeah, I had to dig her up first."
Friend was so shocked, and was like if that wasn't such a good comeback I'd be mad.
ScorpyOwns ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:52:17 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Or "yeah, that's why I fucked her" :-)
nianp ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 06:05:08 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
The Baseketball version is better.
"I had sex with your mum last night."
"My mum's dead."
"Huh, that's why she didn't move around too much."
mctastee88 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 06:31:25 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
My typical response is "how the hell do you have sex with a pile of ashes you sick fuck?"
icomethru ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 07:06:22 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
"I had sex with your mom last night" " 'My moms dead" " I guess that's why she didn't move around much" -Baseketball
mexasianboy ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 07:16:42 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
"Your mothers deaf."
"My moms dead."
"I guess that explains why she didn't move around a lot."
theronin23 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 07:29:24 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
My favorite response to the ol' "My mom's dead." is to look them dead in the eye, smirk evilly and go, "I know."
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 07:33:43 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I know, the shovel work was the hardest part.
Hey_otto_man ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 07:57:06 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
My response to that is "oh, guess that's why she wasn't moving around much"
SCHWFTY ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 09:58:43 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
"The AIDS epidemic is serious"
Danste ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 11:05:52 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
"probably why she didn't move around much"
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 12:47:05 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
"Good on you, not even deterred by the maggots and the worms. At least you can mark the threesome off your bucket list"
arkady48 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 13:55:05 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I prefer "oh, that's why she was so cold"
henryguy ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:04:24 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I would of passed the ball straight to his face.
smoothymcmellow ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:17:36 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Best comeback I've heard to this one "I know I had to dig the bitch up!"
masta666 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:19:28 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Mr. Garrison?
meatmachine1001 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:45:23 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
The best response to this is always
"I dug her up!"
acerebral ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:05:24 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
That must be why she didn't move around much.
Sasparillafizz ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 21:49:27 on September 19, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
"I had sex with your mom last night"
"Yeah, the funeral home called assuring they're changing the locks."
dillpickler ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 01:40:53 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Lol. You can't slip Kevin smith jokes past me bud, nice try. From one of the "a night with Kevin smith" videos
batchyoce ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 05:38:46 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
There is a difference between savage and obnoxious, this isn't savage at all.
mealzer ยท 18291 points ยท Posted at 18:02:16 on September 16, 2016 ยท (Permalink)*
At my high school there was a chick in a wheelchair. She was extremely good looking but suuuuuper bitchy. A guy was walking down the hallway with some retro lunch box, I forget what but it was actually pretty awesome. Anyway, she says "Nice fucking lunchbox."
How does he reply?
Nice fucking legs.
Everyone was speechless.
jhuang30 ยท 3934 points ยท Posted at 21:17:18 on September 16, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
If TV has taught me anything, they will fuck by the end of the semester.
pleezusjeezus ยท 2080 points ยท Posted at 22:59:44 on September 16, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Nice fucking legs
[deleted] ยท 829 points ยท Posted at 23:59:08 on September 16, 2016 ยท (Permalink)*
[deleted]
ms_hyde_is_back ยท 945 points ยท Posted at 00:20:02 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
When do they open?
Mafur_Chericada ยท 65 points ยท Posted at 00:21:57 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Same time your mom does
SkullShapedCeiling ยท 89 points ยท Posted at 00:39:38 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
24/7?
Raneados ยท 16 points ยท Posted at 01:54:22 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
So technically they never open?
Thekidwiththeglasses ยท 17 points ยท Posted at 04:22:33 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
And they never close
enigmo666 ยท 23 points ยท Posted at 07:12:02 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Schrodinger's mom
Mafur_Chericada ยท 30 points ยท Posted at 00:44:39 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Fucking Savage
[deleted] ยท 14 points ยท Posted at 00:59:05 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
[deleted]
Mafur_Chericada ยท 12 points ยท Posted at 01:07:06 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Broken Legs o'clock is not a valid time
Raneados ยท 11 points ยท Posted at 01:55:06 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Thanks for the update, Big Ben.
Mafur_Chericada ยท 13 points ยท Posted at 02:03:15 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Excuse you, but I identify as a pocket watch, not a clock tower.
Check your privilege.
--choose_a_username- ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 03:53:55 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
No, arms
Zerichon ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 05:07:25 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Did his mom help?
Eurynom0s ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 05:40:40 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Broken legs...the new broken arms?
vinnythehammer ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 06:23:44 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Ballpark 6-8? You're a fuckin animal.
banjohusky95 ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 04:28:04 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
When the lunch box duz bb
Legendary_Linux ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 04:43:03 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Never. They're paralysed.
bawzzz ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 01:26:33 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
They are closed for business. Come back on the weekdays between the hours of 6am and 9pm.
OsimusFlux ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 03:12:53 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
They're paralyzed, so I need somebody to do it for me.
( อกยฐ อส อกยฐ)
BadWolf42_ ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 05:26:32 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
How do they open?
FTFY
tyrantgod79 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 06:38:17 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
they dont
callesucia ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 06:59:37 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
They're more of a DIY model...
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 07:19:59 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
They open when I pull this trigger. Want me to open them?
Cornjerky ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 10:15:48 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Do I need to come early?
Retired_tumblr_whale ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 11:15:22 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Past your bedtime
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:39:08 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
They can't. She is paralyzed
Adamskinater ยท 8 points ยท Posted at 04:15:05 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Nice fucking legs
Notosk ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 01:16:05 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Nice fukcing, Legs
Hyterra ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 04:44:21 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Nice, fucking legs.
rhunter99 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 04:58:51 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Nice, fucking, legs.
[deleted] ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 04:25:20 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
The full meta circle.
fountain-of-doubt ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:28:10 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Nice legs, fucking?
northendtrooper ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:57:47 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Big Fucking eyes.
LandmineFrisbee ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 12:59:17 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I should go.
I should go.
I should go.
XXVIIMAN ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 13:35:39 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Nice fucking legs.
O shit wait
BlooFlea ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 14:10:18 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Noice FUCKIN LEGS M8.
BOBALOBAKOF ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:12:59 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Nice fucking legs
Aerdynn ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 04:53:40 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Nice fucking model!
honk
Gabe_b ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:36:54 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Public school style
GateauBaker ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:53:58 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Nice fucking-legs.
natufian ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 04:35:32 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Thanks, nice box
JuicePiano ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 04:43:14 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
These legs are made for fucking, and that's just what they'll do
pburydoughgirl ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:35:43 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Nice fucking, Legs.
theycallmeponcho ยท 1325 points ยท Posted at 23:25:11 on September 16, 2016 ยท (Permalink)*
As someone who ended fucking after graduation party with the girl I hated all 4 years of college, it doesn't happen only in movies. And hatefucks are awesome.
Edit: idk how I managed to get it, but we hated each other since I could remember. To make it worse, my middle name (Alfonso) and her lastname (Alonso) were similar, so we were constantly mistaken as each other.
In last semester we were paired in a team and we kind of worked out our differences, and made one of the best projects. Kind of clicked with it, but distanced again until graduation party (series of eating and drinking until morning with all the newly grads). Somehow we started talking while drunk, and frick fracked our hate away.
We sometimes find each other and talk about other stuff.
Our friends think the hate never died. We are not in love, but are kind of friends.
Edit: re-edited for clarity.
MeerkatAttack ยท 423 points ยท Posted at 04:16:24 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Such a funny and oddly similar story. As a sophomore, our math class had each student paired together at one desk. The first couple weeks I mostly just slept every day but I started catching heat from the teacher, so I decided to be a smart ass and do all the homework in class (it was already posted on the board before we came in - funny story with that, but that's for another time) - so I decided to do all the homework ahead of time in class and then I could sleep and if she got mad I'd use the fact that I already knew how to do everything as a super edgy 15 year old retort. So, one day I'm sitting there doing the homework and the girl next to me, who admittedly was very attractive, was like:
"What are you doing?" "The homework..." "What are you, some kind of nerd or something..." (in a super condescending bitchy tone) At this point, I didn't think to highly of her so my comback was something stupid like "What are you, some kind of bitch or something" - teacher heard that part, of course, and I got reamed for it.
So anyways, lunch was next and I sit down at the table with my friends and this kid goes "yo what happened with you and [girls name]" I just laughed and told them and he started cracking up. He was like, I almost didn't think she was talking about you - he said he told her that didn't sound like the meerkatattack that he knew - he says all I did was sleep in his classes.
Anyways, she actually got in trouble for something and switched classes, but since that day she fucking HATED me. Anytime for the rest of high school that we were near each other it was an absolute bickering match.
Senior year rolls around and I'm sitting in our world religions class (Read: Automatic "A" for your grade for no work)
She walks in on the first day and I stupidly mutter something like "Great, this class is going to hell" and she just responds "Well you can go fuck yourself"
I started laughing. The pretty mean spirited bickering continued. This wasn't flirting bickering, mind you, this was like some mean shit at each other.
Anyways, few months roll by...the homecoming dance was on a friday night and I skipped it, but I helped a buddy of mine set up his house for the after party and about 100 kids from my senior class show up. I walk in after grabbing some shit like cups or whatever and she's there. For whatever reason she runs up and jumps on me and just kind of looks at me and smiles. I start looking past her thinking this is going to be some kind of a sick joke. Nope.
We start doing shots and then I fucked her in the laundry room. We hooked up randomly at parties and almost never talked about it. We were still pretty mean to each other but there was always a sly undertone of "can't wait for the next party" kind of thing. It was pure hate sex and it was awesome.
sexmormon-throwaway ยท 210 points ยท Posted at 05:29:01 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
My life now seems empty and devoid of meaning.
[deleted] ยท 15 points ยท Posted at 06:22:25 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
It's cool man we all feel that way sometimes
Level3Kobold ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 07:08:25 on September 18, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Yeah but what if you feel that way all the time
DoomFisk ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 10:13:08 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
So nothing changed.
sexmormon-throwaway ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:51:20 on September 18, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
No. I had illusions before. It didn't seem empty at all.
LandmineFrisbee ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 13:02:07 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Go insult someone then.
The sex for OP took a few years, you might as well get the ball rolling early.
sexmormon-throwaway ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 18:50:48 on September 18, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
An excellent strategy! A new way of life for me.
Uhura_Sits_Backwards ยท 50 points ยท Posted at 06:18:22 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
If hate sex is a thing then why aren't my wife and I fucking more than 1 time every 10 weeks?
GenocideSolution ยท 62 points ยท Posted at 06:24:31 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Because you're married. It isn't edgy to do something you already should be doing. It's edgier and adrenaline-pumping to do something that you aren't supposed to and is "forbidden fruit".
What I'm trying to say is you need to try pegging.
Uhura_Sits_Backwards ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:55:07 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I did the numbers...30 years of marriage x twice a week up until 2 years ago then once a month. We've f'd about 3000 times. 3000. I need to buy a fishing boat.
Takbeir ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 07:09:07 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
The same reason there aren't more half-Israeli / half-Palestinian kids.
Uhura_Sits_Backwards ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:52:10 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
They can't even get past dinner without someone blowing themselves up.
TrapHitler ยท 41 points ยท Posted at 04:34:22 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
nice
[deleted] ยท 14 points ยท Posted at 06:03:04 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I was prepping myself for a sick comeback, but instead I just got a boner.
Psycholephant ยท 7 points ยท Posted at 05:40:39 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Thanks for sharing this.
HeelR- ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 06:10:35 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I don't get the last part, if the hate was proper mean, why would she randomly jump on you at the party? (Just trying to figure out what was going on in her mind). But man, if i was you i would've never missed a party LMAO.
MeerkatAttack ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 07:41:10 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I thought the same thing. I thought she was like going to pull a prank on me or something, like distract me while someone stole my wallet or something. I was so shocked I just kind of like held her like an idiot. Idk - at the time I think she was a little out of my league too so I was even more skeptical. Nothing happened though.
HeelR- ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 22:04:23 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Wow, not gonna lie man, i'm still thinking why she done it. Well, if she was pretty (i.e. above 7/10) then i wouldn't care and hold her tight as well lmao.
imperabo ยท 10 points ยท Posted at 07:02:48 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
He was probably the only guy that didn't kiss her ass and try to get with her. Girls like that.
HeelR- ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 22:05:38 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Nice logic. I wouldn't be surprised if this is the reason. Some girls do like it though and act like a diva because of it. One thing i learned over the years is never kiss ass/try obvious flirts to the crush. Such a cringey thing
TrinaryHelix ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 06:18:49 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I feel like I missed some prime opportunities in high school.
[deleted] ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 06:43:34 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
This is a good story. I have had similar situations and it all just seems too good to be true. Hate fuck is real.
KnightNZ ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 07:13:03 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Women want to be with you and men want to be you.
RichWPX ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 09:00:24 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
You know that thing where little girls are mean to a boy but they actually like him? She never grew out of that.
reverendmalerik ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 07:04:14 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Seems to me like you were pretty good friends, just you didn't realise it, lol.
MeerkatAttack ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 07:39:35 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Idk...we're still not friends and never spoke to each other when we went to college
nate800 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 10:32:57 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Lol can a teenager really have hate sex
MeerkatAttack ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 10:53:53 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Well...I hated her, that's for sure.
Brendon3485 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 13:01:13 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Hate sex is common because the part of the brain that interprets hate and anger is actually very close to the one that interprets attraction! So once you started drinking that's exactly what was happening, the brain was getting all mixed up and then to pound town you went!
Colonelbackflip ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:58:14 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Damn I need to find some girl and hate the shit out of her!
Faust_8 ยท 51 points ยท Posted at 03:31:24 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Because that's how that works.
AdamGeer ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 08:01:39 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Yeah, what the fuck.
Yogadork ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:05:51 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I'm in tears. I was thinking "What in the hell... no one ever confused me for the girl in my class named Elizabeth because that's my middle name"
MacDerfus ยท 13 points ยท Posted at 01:00:11 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Scrubs taught me angry sex is a powerful tool that you should never abuse
Sourkrautnj ยท 10 points ยท Posted at 00:35:15 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
A guy tortured me for years in high school. Turns out he liked me. I never dated or did anything with anyone from my school until the day before graduation. We hooked up and he told everyone. People were shocked and I didn't care.
theycallmeponcho ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 00:37:38 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
It happens more often than people would think. With mine, we tortured each other until graduation.
theycallmeponcho ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 02:34:08 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Sorry about that.
bulldicker ยท 72 points ยท Posted at 00:12:27 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Any background to this I would like a story!
Mafur_Chericada ยท 200 points ยท Posted at 00:23:33 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
seems pretty straightforward. Dude hates chick for 4 years. For 4 years the sexual tension builds until they have a good old hatefuck at a grad party. There was probably alcohol involved. hopefully no one got pregnant
IAmAnObvioustrollAMA ยท 265 points ยท Posted at 00:36:46 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Bad news bud... they both got pregnant.
Notosk ยท 16 points ยท Posted at 01:16:53 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
but he poops from there!
[deleted] ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 02:27:14 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Don't worry, it's obvious that he's a troll
Carlfest ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:24:35 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I've never heard anyone say this outside of my circle haha
'So?'
IAmAnObvioustrollAMA ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:36:46 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Yea... he poops babies!
8Bit_Architect ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 01:20:42 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Ah, the good old 'She was actually a Xenomorph' gag. Classic.
[deleted] ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 02:26:24 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Are you an obvious troll? Your username does say ask you anything.
IAmAnObvioustrollAMA ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 03:36:15 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
No I'm a tuna fish sandwich!
[deleted] ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 03:40:49 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Hmmmm
nooneiller ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:48:18 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
You deserved the upvote I gave you.
IAmAnObvioustrollAMA ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 04:06:41 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I thoroughly agree.
gingerly_said ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 02:42:29 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Hopefully with food babies from post coitus drunken Taco Bell.
skineechef ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 03:07:02 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Join us next time, on "As The World Turns"..
kokopoo12 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 04:04:45 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Are Buy one get one half off abortions a thing?
IAmAnObvioustrollAMA ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 04:07:49 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Yea but you should never cheap out on abortions. You deserve nothing but the best baby!
aPandaIsNotASandwich ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 04:20:52 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Not but he got pregnant more.
FatalFirecrotch ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 05:57:14 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I don't know how that would happen in college to be honest unless it was a tiny school. At a college of any size if you don't like someone it is soo ease to avoid them (unless you are in some tiny major).
YodelingTortoise ยท 9 points ยท Posted at 01:49:52 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I had a girlfriend who refused to believe me that hate fucking was a thing.
buddha-ish ยท 12 points ยท Posted at 05:15:23 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Did it make you angry? Because that could have solved the problem...
photonrain ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 03:44:28 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
What college did you go to because I want to avoid it.
anthonyvardiz ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 00:22:42 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
You can't just leave us hanging like that.
[deleted] ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 02:34:20 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
[deleted]
anthonyvardiz ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:59:11 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
That's a great story. OP delivered!
EggplantJuice ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:27:17 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
i'm always hanging.
idkwtfiad ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 00:29:55 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
... because you're impotent?
EggsForEveryone ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:08:59 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Low, loose and full of juice?
_poppies_ ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 01:38:35 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
This is my dream
iowabeans ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 04:14:01 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Hate fucks are the best. I used to deliver pizza. One day I ended up delivering to an exes older sister that was always a huge bitch to me. When she opened the door we were both stunned for a moment, she signed the receipt and we both went about our business. Before I get back to the store she finds my number on FB and sends me a picture of a red vibrator in her snatch, claiming she needed another pizza. I raced back to the store, told them her order was wrong and it needed remade. Hauled ass back. Me being young and dumb, blew my load in her. We had to inch off the bed while I was still in her before I pulled out because she didn't want it on her moms bed (didn't work). I throw my pants back on and she hands me a $20 and tells me I can keep the change. Best day at work ever. We hooked up a few more times on deliveries.
TrapHitler ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 04:32:31 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Pizza gigilo.
iowabeans ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 04:33:59 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I've also held a beer pong table and been arrested on a delivery. Quite a few stories ahaha. Can get away with just about anything if the general manager is a family friend.
TrapHitler ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:26:23 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Pretty dope.
CidCrisis ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 04:52:39 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Your boss: "I'm not paying you to fuck the customers!"
Eurynom0s ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 05:41:41 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Frenemies but with a side of FWB. noice
DrJeXX ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 05:54:04 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Met ex got all pushy with me because I absolutely hated one of her friends. And it wasn't because of the reason you are thinking of. It was because this chick was attractive and hated me just as much ans my ex thought that hate was one passionate step from fucking. Guess she was right.
AltairsBlade ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 10:48:56 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
You were enemies so long you could only relate to eachother. She was like your fuck buddy skeletor. Which if it isn't a band name, it should be.
missingsf ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 13:23:40 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)*
I had a weird thing like that happen. There was a girl freshman year of college. I met her once. For some reason she would flip me off every time we passed each other on campus. I had no idea why. Whenever I tried to ask why, she would just keep walking. She did it in front of my friends and girlfriend. Anyway, last week of senior year I ran in to her at a random out of the way bar. We were both drunk, and when I approached her she started yelling at me for lying about her. I had no idea what she was taking about. Turns out some guy told her I was telling people I fucked her and her friend in a three way. I didn't do that. We ended up going back to my place. The whole time I kept looking at her and remembering all the flip offs. It was one of the more surreal fucks I've had.
Pantarus ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 12:17:24 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Ten dollars says there was some poor friend-zoned doofus who was the nice guy to her all those years. Probably made fun of you with her, held her hair as she puked, was the shoulder to cry on when guys like you broke her heart. He was waiting for the right moment to tell her how he feels...love, love needs the right moment to be revealed. The graduation night party...that's it. It's perfect.
He imagined and rehearsed the moment so many times. Even had a dream where it all went according to plan. Which now made him feel like it was destiny. Bought new clothes, even told her he has a surprise for her. It all seemed to be going so well.
But then He got the first twinge that something was wrong when you walked into the party. As you sauntered on by he leaned over to her and said, "Asshole warning." Something he's said a million times and got a chuckle, but tonight she looks at him and says " I dunno...actually, he's not really what we thought." What? What did she say? What does that mean? Nothing it's nothing he convinced himself.
As the night went on she got steadily drunker then he hoped she would. He tried to stem the consumption, but she actually got angry with him. She told him to stop hovering. He grimaced but obeyed. He walks out into the summer night and hikes around the campus. First angry, but as the memories of all the sights come flooding back to him he realizes that love isn't easy. He smiles and says to himself 4 years I've put in 4 years and I love her.
He runs back to the house, nows the time, I have to know it's now or never. He looks frantically around the house, the. As he walks by the stairs he heard it. Her laugh. That angelic laugh followed by your voice....the asshole is having sex with her? It can't be. He walks upstairs ready to white knight the shit outta you, but your boys see if coming and stop him before he can come close.
He goes home, crushed. The next day when she called him, he picked up the phone but made sure she knew he was upset. Then he told her. Spilled his guys out al over the floor. She walked over them as she said "I'll always love you...as a friend."
TheSlimyDog ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:12:40 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I'm so sorry for your loss.
BeefPieSoup ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:06:28 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
When Harry Met Sally irl
CharlieHume ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:59:11 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Bruh, she fine aint she?
zxcv7531 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 04:18:07 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
If you'd be upset if she got attached to another guy, well, I'd say you're in love. I think you might really like her so make sure she knows you might like her, just in case, so that your next post isn't about the girl you hated getting away with someone else.
theycallmeponcho ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 04:28:42 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Thanks, but don't worry, man, this happened almost two years ago. We have different lifestyles, career paths and ambitions. It was more a physical thing than something more substantial.
I already miss two love stories, one that fit your description, but those are to be told in other threads.
To be sincere, I'd be excited if she finds her other half.
PM_me1bitcoin ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 04:38:21 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
There is a truly thin line between both emotions that's why people get angrier when you say you simply don't care
MargotFenring ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 04:52:45 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
There are two kinds of enemies; the kind you grow to grudgingly respect, and the kind who you hold ever in more contempt.
deeplife ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 04:58:30 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Poncho is that you?
windclimber ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 06:08:38 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
If you guys got married and you took her last name, you would be Poncho Alfonso Alonso
voxamant ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 06:38:45 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Dan is that you?
Akan0o ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 06:45:15 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
wait wait wait, who the fuck is known by their middle name? let alone has it confused with someone else's last name?
bronyarse ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 07:56:41 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Many years later: I totally loved a girl I when too school with, we got married last week. I thought I hated her so much all through school!
TERRAOperative ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 07:57:59 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
The old taming of the shrew routine.
lizimajig ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 14:05:41 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
That's kinda sweet actually.
RedDevils9 ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 06:06:59 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
How the fuck do people mix you up based on your middle name?
DoctorRobert420 ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 02:36:48 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
for sure. this chick and i hated each other from 7th grade and all throughout high school. spent the last few months of senior year having a shitload of sex, then went to college and never talked again
xbloodvampx ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 04:01:47 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
She has broken legs, not broken arms.
dkuhry ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 01:22:10 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Wheels Ontario.
dinosquirrel ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 06:18:25 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Tv mimics life. I think that might have happened.
Donkey__Xote ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:00:30 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
And how would she know?
shi0 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:29:45 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
When I was in middle school, I beat up a guy who would always bother and annoy my friends. We ended up fucking when we were 18.
jd_beats ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:42:45 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Had already fucked before that exchange...
FTFY
mealzer ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:54:32 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
It was ten years ago so they probably have kids by now.
Ricardodo_ ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 06:07:41 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
FTFY
GodMonster ยท 7639 points ยท Posted at 01:01:24 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I was at a guitar store once, I'm not a very good guitar player, but I was shopping for an amp and decided to try a few out. I pulled a guitar down from the wall, plugged into an amp and started tweaking the settings to my liking.
A guy in a wheelchair came up, plugged into the amp next to me and dimed the volume, then proceeded to play some masturbatory metal licks. I gave him the benefit of the doubt, powered off the amp that I was testing and walked across the room to another amp, plugged in and started fiddling with settings again. Again, he rolled himself over, plugged into the amp directly adjacent to mine, turned up to 11 and proceeded to go to town on the guitar.
A second time, I gave him the benefit of the doubt, walked away and tried a third amp without saying a word to him. He rolled over, plugged in, turned up and started playing as loud as he could. I asked him if he'd mind giving me a few moments, as I was considering buying one of the amps, and he responded with "I don't know why you bother, you're a shitty guitarist and I can do anything you can do ten times better."
I looked him in the eye, said "Not quite anything" and reached up to hang the guitar from the top rack, which I had to stretch a bit to reach, all while maintaining eye contact.
Dark-Ganon ยท 4182 points ยท Posted at 02:20:34 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
If this story is true, wheelchair guy has some serious inferiority complex issues to work out
Taydolf_Switler22 ยท 1257 points ยท Posted at 02:57:10 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
This is a daily occurrence at Guitar Centers all over the country; give or take a few wheelchairs.
Adamskinater ยท 213 points ยท Posted at 04:14:26 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
No Stairway to Heaven
killiangray ยท 61 points ยท Posted at 04:30:09 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
No stairway?! Denied!
Uhura_Sits_Backwards ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 06:22:04 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
..or Walk On The Wild Side, Lou Reed
Uhura_Sits_Backwards ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 06:22:46 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
.....or Jump Around, HoP
Uhura_Sits_Backwards ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 06:23:23 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
........or Walk This Way, Run DMC
Uhura_Sits_Backwards ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 06:23:52 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
.......or Walk Like An Egyptian, Bangles
Uhura_Sits_Backwards ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 06:24:41 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
...or Walk The Line,....'Hello Folks, I'm Johnny Cash'
Uhura_Sits_Backwards ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 06:25:27 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
...or Walk The Dinosaur , Was (not Was)
Uhura_Sits_Backwards ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 06:26:07 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
...or Walk Like A Man, Frankee V and the 4 Seasons.
DrakkoZW ยท 19 points ยท Posted at 05:24:38 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
That's like a better comeback you'd only think of while on the shower three days later
"Sure, you can play stairway to heaven better than me, but as least I don't need a ramp to climb it"
Why_is_this_so ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 05:19:56 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
That's not ADA compliant. Heaven's about to get a hefty fine.
AWiseFoolsMoney ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 07:01:05 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
https://youtu.be/Db0ztBIh8cU
Cheefnuggs ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 07:19:12 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Well at least not for them
LethalWasabi ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 08:18:10 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Ramp to heaven
mangoz420 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 13:32:41 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
party on!!
neutral_green_giant ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 13:37:00 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Ramp to Heaven?
JarlaxleForPresident ยท -1 points ยท Posted at 04:46:09 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
No Stairway? Denied.
rlaxowns ยท 12 points ยท Posted at 05:46:41 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I was once walking around NYC with my trombone in a backpack- like case, and some random guy dressed up like a hippy walked up to me when I was in front of the traffic light and asked, "Do you think you can play guitar?" Obviously I was more than a little confused, and was like, "Errr no, I don't play guitar. This is a trombone." And he just said, "30 years. I've been playing for 30 years." I was still kinda confused, so I just said cool and walked across the crosswalk since the light had turned. As I was walking away he just yelled some gibberish about rock and skill and finally just screamed "you suck" or something.
People are weird.
SinaiAndHappiness ยท 9 points ยท Posted at 04:14:22 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
But.... But... why
[deleted] ยท 34 points ยท Posted at 04:36:13 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Because if you can't play as good as them, you should just give up.
Fuck people like that. We all started somewhere. It's the same as mocking a fat guy at the gym.
ThatOneHandedGuy ยท 15 points ยท Posted at 05:35:28 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Not even that, but everyone plays for a different reason. Not everyone wants to be the greatest musician ever. Lots of people just want to have fun, have some nice instruments and maybe one day get more serious. But really if someone goes to a store and shits on people worse than they are, I feel really bad, because they're getting nothing out of all that practice they're putting in other than the thought that there are some people out there worse for them. Just wasting time they could spend just actually jerking themselves off and cutting out the middle man.
ReaderWalrus ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 04:17:26 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Damn two-wheelchair show-offs.
bugdog ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 05:44:50 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Is it a penis thing? Because it sounds like a "my guitar penis is bigger than your guitar penis" to me.
ThatsPower ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 06:27:49 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
In a store in the town where I live some of the employees do this. Like 40 y/o washed up rockers trying to out compete teenagers. It's pathetic and would be bad for business if they weren't the only one.
pac_pac ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:19:23 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Yeah, what he said! Take his wheelchair!
Uhura_Sits_Backwards ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 06:20:24 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I had the same thing happen to me....but the dood wa BLIND. Followed me the fuck all over the store.
Coffeezilla ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 08:55:18 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
So how many times have you heard the opening cords to smoke on the water?
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 14:15:20 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I'm so happy I'm a keys player. When I go there and jam on their synthesizers, it's pretty much just the sales dude and me in there.
nuknoe ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:34:31 on September 18, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
As a former GC "door guy" I concur
vemeron ยท 2514 points ยท Posted at 02:54:47 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I don't think he would stand for you saying something like that.
pbradley179 ยท 18 points ยท Posted at 03:29:32 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
It's a bit of a reach
G_ZuZ ยท 12 points ยท Posted at 03:27:31 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
You're right. He'd sit there and take it
CharlieHume ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 03:57:43 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I got a kick out of this knee slapper
[deleted] ยท 61 points ยท Posted at 03:23:30 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
You're right. He wouldn't stand for that at all.
zymurgist69 ยท 44 points ยท Posted at 03:29:41 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
He doesn't seem like a stand up guy at all.
[deleted] ยท 43 points ยท Posted at 03:34:43 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
He seems to roll with the punches though.
[deleted] ยท 40 points ยท Posted at 03:41:53 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
You know what I can't stand?
Sorry, let me rephrase that: "You know what? I can't stand"
Timmay13 ยท 15 points ยท Posted at 04:08:17 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I am rolling over laughing at these.
superjay0456 ยท 8 points ยท Posted at 04:17:16 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I just broke it
they_are_out_there ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 04:29:20 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Take a seat over there...
superjay0456 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 06:53:48 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
But I'm already sitting on my throne.
House_Atirical ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:46:40 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Paraplegia
BlooFlea ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 14:08:34 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Most of them do if you hit them hard enough.
quigilark ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 07:03:27 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
thatsthejoke
herculesmrb ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 04:02:45 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Yeah he doesn't sound like the kind of guy to let anyone get a leg up on him
stoprockandrollkids ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 04:42:45 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
He probably just hates being talked down to
xphragger ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 04:46:15 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Honestly, you just gotta walk it off sometime.
organicginger ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 04:58:51 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
He can talk the talk, but he can't walk the walk.
10TAisME ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 04:17:30 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I don't think he'd stand for anything
PM_ME_UR_FLOWERS ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 05:16:37 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Maybe that's just how he rolls
StutMoleFeet ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 05:08:26 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Fucker probably wouldn't even stand for the national anthem.
dashingmuttdawg ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 05:45:05 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Seems like he wouldn't even know where to stand on issue of what happened.
Surfing_Ninjas ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:02:54 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
*could
surfjihad ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:20:59 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Oh that's RICH
AdrnP ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:56:06 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
sometimes you just gotta put your foot down
DeemDNB ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 10:30:35 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Christopher Reeves won't sit for this neither.
Miniappolis ยท 11 points ยท Posted at 03:19:56 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Kinda feel sorry for him. Probably a mental side effect of losing his mobility so he thinks he's gotta prove himself to himself and others. Still being a dick though.
undreamedgore ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 03:17:49 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Dude probably feels like half a man
AbigailLilac ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 04:19:39 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
One half is just dead weight.
NotTooDeep ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 03:31:12 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Nah, probably more like anger and pain. These two when chronic can change someone's personality to a dickish color.
TabMuncher2015 ยท 7 points ยท Posted at 04:18:55 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
What does having a purply-red personality feel like?
Azuresk-BINGE ยท 7 points ยท Posted at 04:44:28 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I think you need to have your dick checked.
PJ_SPRINKLES ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 03:47:30 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Are you implying that someone would lie on the Internet?
nobodylovesyourmum ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 05:05:10 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Big if true
daisyboots ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 04:25:11 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
A crippling inferiority complex?
/r/imgoingtohell
WeepingAgnello ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 04:13:46 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Now that was low
WhimperingFish ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 04:16:00 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Big if
teefour ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 04:48:02 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I call this next song colostomy bag blues.
doomgoblin ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 04:53:10 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
When the story got to the "turned to 11" part I knew it probably isn't true. I can't remember the name of the movie right now.
Dark-Ganon ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 06:28:19 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
That's a reference to "This is Spinal Tap". They want to play loud, so their amps all go to 11, instead of the usual 10.
badlydrawnjohn35 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:09:32 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
It's not true. Nothing on le Reedit is true. Especially a story so well constructed that ends in justice porn.
AntProtein ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 06:06:27 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Don't worry this story is 100$% true
Dark-Ganon ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 06:21:54 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
idk man, Jimi Hendrix didn't rise out of the guitar to compliment him and give him a high five while simultaneously beating the wheelchair kid to death, so I'm having trouble believing this guy
mightybonk ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 06:14:10 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
And he's gonna work through them 10 times better than you, pal!
Aidernz ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 06:18:37 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
How could that be made up with a name like his..?
Checkmate, atheists.
BucketheadRules ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 07:08:41 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I'm a regular at guitar center. The people there know me by name and I'm pretty close to one of the guys. He invites me to local shows.
This happens at least once a day. You're trying to live your life and Mr. 2'-ear-gauge-having, flannel-with-a-band-tee wearing, backwards-vans-hat with the snakebites from when he was emo in 2009, swept hair / undercut, tattoos all down the arms, tore jeans, grabs the Ibanez and sits at the Line 6 section and fucking goes apeshit. And it's really a shame he's wearing that System of a Down shirt, because even though they're not the best live they put out good music and a great live show but this guy doesn't have any skill compared to even his t-shirt and definitely doesn't need to be diming the volume.
So now you're sitting there contemplating suicide because you don't want to be in a dick waving competition with this guy, and he's only doing shitty 12-X-X-X-X-X-10-14 sweeps and shitty djent 0-0-0-0-0-1-0-0-0-0-0 riffs and it's like, you have potential, fucking practice. Or is that the requisite level of skill needed to pull tram or something? I don't know. I've only had one girl interested in me playing guitar and yet somehow this guy will probably fuck three bitches on a shitty Monday.
Fuck. Triggered.
ParanoidAltoid ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 08:56:04 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Big if. I have a hard time imagining a person being so insecure as to act that way.
bruppa ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 06:00:51 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)*
Its totally true, there's something about crippled people and stuff like this. I was at the Dunkins with some coworkers and there's one guy who's a paraplegic, he has to be fed food. We take turns during outings, it was my turn to feed him. He's really fussy about how he has to be fed though so its always an ordeal. Not too fast, not too slow, I was about to talk, don't shove so hard, I can't reach that.
I'm trying not to fuck anything up because a few times recently when he got mad he'd get really personal with "the feeder" and ruin the mood completely. Anyway so I'm feeding him a maple bar, only half engaged in conversation because I'd rather focus on preventing the day from being ruined than actually enjoy myself. I'd just gotten my divorce over some infidelity issues like three months prior so I knew what his trump card would be. He keeps complaining I push too hard and that there's frosting on his lap, "is this how you eat? covered in frosting like a retard with dough mashed in between your teeth?" I didn't engage.
Finally I've got a rhythm and he's eating, I'm chatting, no problem. Then the dreaded moment, he asks for milk. I check out of conversation once more and the way my coworkers are frozen looking at their plate I know they heard him too. They know how tense drink time can be. I grab the glass and bring it to his mouth and he's already twitching his neck around at the glass. He tries to chase the glass but that's not the biggest problem, he swallows like a fucking machine gun. Gul-gul-gulg-gul-gul; tiny little rabbit swallows in rapid succession. If the milk hits that wall in his throat he coughs and flips out. He chokes up a little bit and the milk drips off his lips and on his shirt. He says "back off with the milk dammit" as I'm wiping the milk off his lip he says "you gave your wife half your shit so you'd never have to see her like this, why do you wanna see me looking like that cum guzzling whore." Quick as a whip I go with this savage line: "Shut the fuck up you crippled shit, my limbs are more functional than yours." Then I ran 10 laps around the building (there were windows, he saw), came back in, ran right at him and drop kicked him out of the chair. The whole fuckin place stood up and started cheering like motherfuckers. I have free donuts at that Dunkins for life now and my boss fired the guy with no severance.
mealzer ยท 1262 points ยท Posted at 01:13:56 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
That just made me fully erect hahaha
theoreticaldickjokes ยท 344 points ยท Posted at 02:06:18 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Helloooooooo
NEEDLE_UP_YOUR_PENIS ยท 191 points ยท Posted at 02:45:17 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Hello indeed.
theoreticaldickjokes ยท 350 points ยท Posted at 02:50:51 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
-checks username-
ABORT ABORT!
NEEDLE_UP_YOUR_PENIS ยท 37 points ยท Posted at 03:24:40 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
เฒ แดเฒ
โฐโโฏแ(ยดฺก`แ)
theoreticaldickjokes ยท 23 points ยท Posted at 03:43:49 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Plz no.
[deleted] ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 04:12:38 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
/r/sounding nsfw/nsfl if youre sensitive about ur dick
Cannytomtom ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 11:37:41 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
NO
BAD
Pr00Dg ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 11:36:59 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I should not have clicked that. Fuck.
SimplyNigh ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 05:40:56 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Why the need? I haven't even impregnated you yet
bugzor ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 05:09:33 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I think that would be needle_up_your_vagina
theoreticaldickjokes ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 10:20:54 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Plz. No. Stahp.
major84 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 19:51:59 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
you dont have to scream it, just sign the consent form when you visit the clinic.
scrabble71 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 13:29:19 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
ITS A TRAP!!!
MurgleMcGurgle ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:23:32 on September 18, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
That's a sound decision.
Bring0nTheApocalypse ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 18:34:03 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I read this in George Takei's voice..
[deleted] ยท 7 points ยท Posted at 02:41:09 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
i like men hahahah
trichofobia ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:58:35 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Well, I'm a man ;)
GoldenShadow82 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 04:21:08 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Wow haha
LuisIsNotHere ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:58:21 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Oh
doobsftw ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:30:50 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
E-REKT
Silkie_Johnson ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:32:53 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Fully torqued bro
bennyboy2796 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:48:37 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
and thus, /u/Mealzer's cripple fetish was born
jackyra ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 04:04:40 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
ERekt
BlooFlea ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 14:09:39 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
What a strangely entertaining statement.
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 14:44:40 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
hahaha
Uncle_Finger ยท 123 points ยท Posted at 01:47:13 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I bet you don't even djent
AxelYoung95 ยท 10 points ยท Posted at 03:24:59 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Ain't even fucking trve kvlt either
dregaus ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 05:49:27 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I pick up a pancake.
Jujugatame ยท 23 points ยท Posted at 03:35:28 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Would be funny if he stood up and reached a guitar from even higher up.
Hes totally healthy, he just rides around in a wheelchair because he is a huge asshole.
obliterayte ยท -10 points ยท Posted at 03:59:26 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Would be funny if it wasn't complete bull shit.
everfalling ยท 14 points ยท Posted at 03:01:05 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
"you know i would argue with you but i think i'll be the bigger man and walk away..."
bigyams ยท 19 points ยท Posted at 02:33:21 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
delicious copypasta
[deleted] ยท 10 points ยท Posted at 02:55:50 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I've never heard of such a pretentious person in a guitar shop. Becoming an advanced guitarist is doubtlessly difficult, and in my experience the assholes and attention seekers either develop a respect for the art or fail to progress. Sounds like you found a real shitter, or this was simply some man-child that learned a couple licks to flaunt around. Either way, rock on dude.
Claw_of_Shame ยท 14 points ยท Posted at 03:24:03 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
competitive shredder wanking is par for the course at your local guitar center. Which is why most guitarists avoid their local guitar center if they can help it
JarlaxleForPresident ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 04:52:05 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Good words. Almost all the guitarists Ive ever met were supportive of new players.
Singers can be dicks. Bass players don't seem to talk very much. Drummers are usually cool.
Draskuul ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 05:27:31 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I can just imagine him being in one of those fancy new wheelchairs which actually moves into an upright position and might actually reach that. Talk about the ultimate anti-comeback.
[deleted] ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 03:41:34 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Don't get me wrong the guitar community has its toxic people but this sounds a bit too cheesy for IRL
roarkish ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 04:13:52 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
based on some of the posts i've read on guitar forums, i wouldn't put it past him, even if the story is fake.
[deleted] ยท 9 points ยท Posted at 01:57:55 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Dude, if this had happened, that would've been awesome.
wompirebat ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 03:59:18 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
. . . something, something, Stairway to Heaven.
The_Caelondian ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 04:03:39 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Get fucking rekt, Lt. Dan
omnicious ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:53:24 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
You should have just said, "Let me give you a standing ovation."
stevrock ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 04:12:24 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I too suck at the guitar, but the second time would make me unplug their amp and strangle them with the chord.
Famixofpower ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 04:17:25 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Tell him he didn't start perfect
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 04:28:43 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Delicious.
Frankandthatsit ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 04:31:16 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
well I guess it's one louder, isn't it?
the_salubrious_one ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 04:45:45 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)*
This will burn in as one of the top HC tropes. You know, one of those that play on the tiresome handicapped-is-really-secretly-cruel-therefore-they-deserve-their-condition stereotype.
I'm actually not speaking to you, OP, who is clearly simply sharing anecdote, but those who went well n to upvote this above all of many other submissions.
Yeah, fuck those who are already suffering, amirite?
Sorry if I sound weird. I'm drunk. I think I made some decent points tho.
MrBunshell ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:24:33 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
/r/thathappened
Eurynom0s ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:43:02 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Holy shit, you actually did a thing while maintaining eye contact to establish dominance.
Bog77 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:48:38 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
ITT: /r/nothingeverhappens
noogooyen ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 06:29:11 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I think I know this guy! Wasn't he in "Stomp"?
Bachzag ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 06:29:32 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I would have been the bigger man and walked away.
Anonymous_Ascendent ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 06:39:57 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
That fake story's name? Albert Einstein. You even use the 3 cliche for jokes.
rxsheepxr ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 06:45:28 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
By that logic, we should never do anything ever, because someone out there is better than us at it.
jesusmohammed ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 06:59:27 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
wow.. people are that asshole-ish in the real world?
MisogynisticBumsplat ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 07:13:02 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
...and the whole shop erupted in applause
sacrosanctt ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 07:52:08 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I can do it myself!
larrymoses39 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:16:55 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
r/thathappened
Hiimbeeb ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:48:34 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
X-post from /r/thathappened
Mic_Check_One_Two ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 20:13:58 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
A true savage would have taken the guitar he was using, and hung it out of his reach.
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:37:20 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
[deleted]
Michamus ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 04:41:20 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
If /r/thathappened was leaking, they wouldn't be making up stories.
[deleted] ยท -25 points ยท Posted at 01:40:39 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)*
[removed]
jumpinjuniperberries ยท 16 points ยท Posted at 01:59:46 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Why did you bother making this comment?
[deleted] ยท -21 points ยท Posted at 02:03:37 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)*
[removed]
ijimbodog ยท 17 points ยท Posted at 02:17:05 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
unread message in inbox
cue u/vergasion's adrenaline rush
exploitativity ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 03:03:48 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
OH SHIT I BET THIS GUY GOT MAD HAHAHAHA
[deleted] ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 15:13:21 on September 19, 2016 ยท (Permalink)*
[removed]
ijimbodog ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 18:21:34 on September 19, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
"I had a couple days without loging in reddit" - u/vergasion
On a totally unrelated note, vergasion's profile says he's made a comment every day for at least the past week, after that its hard to tell. Were these "couple days" like a month ago? If you feel like you need to lie to strangers about your internet habits then whatever man.
"Whatever man, you guys just aren't on my level" - things u/vergasion might respond with
[deleted] ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 03:27:37 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Jesus Christ, you win...
[deleted] ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 03:28:10 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)*
I have left reddit for a reddit alternative due to years of admin mismanagement and preferential treatment for certain subreddits and users holding certain political and ideological views.
As an act of protest, I have chosen to redact all the comments I've ever made on reddit, overwriting them with this message.
omgitsfletch ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 03:52:32 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
WE'VE GOT A WINNER
PostcardNon ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 03:52:42 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
It goes to eleven!
NoddinNutz ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 04:57:39 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
0% chance this ever happened. Funny tall tale though
liquor_for_breakfast ยท 2629 points ยท Posted at 18:40:17 on September 16, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Being pretty doesn't give you a free pass to be a bitch. Neither does being handicapped.
It makes me smile that she got served such a heaping dose of equality
mostoriginalusername ยท 768 points ยท Posted at 20:07:24 on September 16, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
You should watch 'The Fundamentals of Caring' on Netflix.
PM_NUDES_4_DOG_PICS ยท 251 points ยท Posted at 21:26:10 on September 16, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Can confirm, it's a great movie.
dyckinabox ยท 45 points ยท Posted at 22:27:33 on September 16, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Also watched it last night. Laughed my ass off.
mostoriginalusername ยท 93 points ยท Posted at 21:40:04 on September 16, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Just watched it last night, based on recommendation from a thread the other day on here for caregivers.
[deleted] ยท 9 points ยท Posted at 02:42:02 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
[deleted]
[deleted] ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 05:48:04 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
[deleted]
Fiftyhourthief ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 07:53:11 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Yeah, thought it was pretty basic. Snarky teen, mysterious but oh so badass girl and a goofy but well meaning authority figure. Some of the dialogue was so formulaic I almost shut it off, but soldiered through to the end because I like Paul Rudd.
mostoriginalusername ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 17:57:49 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
It's not about that, it's about what being a caregiver and being the one needing care is about. Try looking past what you learned in art school or whatever.
ElQuackers ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 05:27:47 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Bite the jim
buttertost ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 11:44:43 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
A little bite of the James
Wulfay ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 04:22:49 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Do you continue the recommending?
mostoriginalusername ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:59:59 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I do, it's not a waste of an hour and some minutes.
Kestralisk ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 03:20:51 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Put your damn car into gear when you turn it off!
savealltheelephants ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 23:54:11 on September 16, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
It was only okay. Way too predictable.
difmaster ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 05:41:59 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Definitely worth watching if you have the time to spare, but not something to go out of your way for, imo
BlooFlea ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 14:11:07 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Ill back this, looks shit, actually pretty good.
FirePowerCR ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 05:03:09 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Is that the Paul Rudd movie on there? It was alright.
Triquetra4715 ยท 13 points ยท Posted at 01:43:13 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
'Ave a nibble of the James!
mostoriginalusername ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:55:10 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Lol
RiverwoodHood ยท 7 points ยท Posted at 02:45:00 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
agreed. I reluctantly watched it the other night and really enjoyed it. Rudd is great, the disabled kid (from Red Oaks I think) was amazing. and I've got no shame in saying that Selena Gomez was really good, too.
VoltageHero ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 22:47:29 on September 16, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
It was actually really funny.
The Road Within is another good film with a (very loosely connected) idea.
Triquetra4715 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 01:44:15 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Is that the one with Zoey Kravitz?
mostoriginalusername ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 22:57:32 on September 16, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I'll check it out.
STRAIGHT_BENDIN ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 03:21:40 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
"mall"
[deleted] ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 02:26:33 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
[deleted]
mostoriginalusername ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:55:46 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Me too
road2nowh3r3 ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 06:18:48 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Just finished watching, fucking fabulous! I forgot the name, couldn't find this thread for a bit and jumped for joy when it came up on "recommended for you.......because you are currently pathetic and miserable, drinking a slurpee you've spiked with wine on a Friday night while your cats think it's time for Mortal Kombat, but yet bath time at the same time..?"
Yeah I added some flair to that.... Awesome movie though!
mostoriginalusername ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:02:13 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Haha, yeah i did king of fighters 2002 last night against my wife on our neo geo cabinet. Unfortunately mortal kombat was never on neo geo so i can't get that for it, but there was definitely booze involved.
elwoodpdowd007 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 23:54:57 on September 16, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Not available on Netflix here...
mostoriginalusername ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:48:30 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
That's too bad, perhaps you can find another way to watch it...
PositionOfTheHound ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 06:23:01 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Also "legit" its also on netflix
mostoriginalusername ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 18:02:43 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Don't know it, I'll check it out.
6offender ยท 168 points ยท Posted at 21:59:32 on September 16, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
What if she was actually complementing his lunchbox? You said yourself it was pretty awesome.
SpaceCowboy58 ยท 318 points ยท Posted at 00:06:26 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
What if he was actually complementing her legs?
Talking_Burger ยท 25 points ยท Posted at 01:43:32 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Almost certainly tone of voice. Those same words can be delivered two totally different ways (and if she was known for being a bitch, it adds to the likelihood it was the mean way)
[deleted] ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 02:44:20 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
[deleted]
Robinisthemother ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 04:44:58 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I don't. Explain?
Genericynt ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:20:54 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Me too.
Famixofpower ยท 7 points ยท Posted at 04:18:40 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Disabled legs don't look sexy. They can't exercise, so they have no muscle. Don't have any fat, iirc, either. How I know most facebook shit is fake
IvanKozlov ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 05:15:19 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)*
[deleted]
neversayalways ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 04:54:07 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
*Compliment.
yourusagesucks ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:13:58 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
You did my job here. Thank you, citizen!
kemushi_warui ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 08:52:31 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Maybe he was adding to or enhancing her legs.
morenr725 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:15:22 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Mint condition, never used
AdamGeer ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 08:02:49 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
complimenting*
[deleted] ยท 166 points ยท Posted at 23:05:33 on September 16, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Almost certainly tone of voice. Those same words can be delivered two totally different ways (and if she was known for being a bitch, it adds to the likelihood it was the mean way)
ihatethesidebar ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 02:57:37 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Also depends on what that object is. "Nice fucking car" said to an owner of a brand new Lamborghini and a owner of a decade-old Lada would obviously mean different things.
new-aged ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 03:10:47 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Mean - Nice fucking lunchbox. Nice - Nice fucking lunchbox.
You have to get the tone in there. (See above)
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 08:08:18 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
While OP is probably right, I've been told my sarcastic voice and normal voice are pretty hard to distinguish.
neversayalways ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 04:54:02 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
*Compliment.
garrett_k ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 02:04:56 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Being pretty allows you to still have friends and suitors while being a bitch.
Jackson-Five-Oh ยท 25 points ยท Posted at 00:44:48 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I agree with this theory, but the concept works against my favorite comeback when a girl says something nasty: "you're not hot enough to get away with acting like that"
bahamut285 ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 04:22:24 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
A lot of guys put up with it because "doesn't matter; had sex". I have a guy friend who is a serial bitch dater, yet always complains about how bossy his gfs are. It also reinforces the girls behaviour that she can get any guy just because she's hot so she can act like a huge diva without any repercussions.
Delanium ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 04:30:43 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
There was a disabled girl at my middle school that was a complete and utter bitch. She acted so sweet around teachers, but was terrible to the kids. If anybody pissed her off she'd tell the teacher that that person had made fun of her disability, and the teachers always believed her.
That was like, 8 years ago and I still get angry.
Leporad ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 04:44:29 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Most of the time it does.
rossiFan ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 21:20:48 on October 3, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Seems that girls in the US learn very early on that being pretty is a license to be a cunt without repercussion. I, on the other hand, am educating my son otherwise.
[deleted] ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 01:59:41 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Is it so surprising that someone who's been dealt a shitty hand in life might have a bit of a chip on their shoulder?
Adam-SB ยท 7 points ยท Posted at 02:31:03 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
No, it isn't. That isn't a free pass to be a cunt though.
ThatOneHandedGuy ยท 7 points ยท Posted at 05:40:14 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Yes, but you should fight back in a way that isn't just pointing out how their life is harder. I have one hand, and I know there are people out there that think it's some amazing comeback to just point that out blatantly. It's not. It's just stupid, it doesn't hurt me or any other disabled person that I know that have been disabled for a long period of time. Also, when someone's a real bitch to you, you should be able to clap back with something better than just pointing out that you think you're better than them because your legs work. That's weak af. Y'all people that think that's some amazing comeback either don't understand how little that affects most people - other than making them think twice about making any joke about their own disability - just need to work on your comebacks, that shit isn't clever.
orcscorper ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 10:52:13 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
That's a good one. I applaud you.
ThatOneHandedGuy ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:28:41 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
There you go, that was at least clever. You got me there, mate.
ghostdate ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 03:52:18 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
It sucks when you encounter a rude wheelchair person. I was at a farmers market during the summer and walked in front of one because he was stopped, but he moved right when I stepped in front of him and he blurted out, "yeah, walk right in front of me, shithead." I didn't want to start shit, because he clearly had a bit of a mental handicap as well, but man, most normal people would just be like, "oh, excuse me" if they bumped into you.
[deleted] ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 14:23:16 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
People tend to act like assholes more often when they feel socially untouchable.
I wouldn't give a shit since I'm a sociopath and if in the mood roasted the crippled vegetable a bit before walking away while eating the fresh vegetable I just bought.
Jennacyde153 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 04:36:27 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Buddy works with a Palestinean guy that constantly complains that everybody hates him because of his ethnicity when in fact he is hated because he is an asshole.
rinkima ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 06:32:08 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
In a similar strain I have a blind friend who semi-purposely bumps into people while walking just to have them start to bitch her out before apologizing after seeing that she's blind. She's chill af tho.
liquor_for_breakfast ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 14:34:06 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
That's not bitchy though, that's some next level trolling and hilarious
TyMann90 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 06:33:35 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Neither does being ugly. I mean..if you're ugly and a bitch, what guy would ever try to get his D inside her
cholula_is_good ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 08:10:11 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I don't know dude, I'll pretty much give anyone a pass if they are in a wheelchair. When it comes to social confrontation, I can always walk away.
SomRandomGuyOnReddit ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 11:25:07 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Like her left leg is equally as useless as her right? (I'm going to hell)
clockworm ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 02:09:16 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
The pain of being super hot but still unfuckable.
liquor_for_breakfast ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 02:11:25 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Who said I wouldn't fuck her?
clockworm ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:13:00 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I'd knock the bottom out of it.
andrewcpa ยท 118 points ยท Posted at 18:37:54 on September 16, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Holy shit that's incredible.
Lmaoboobs ยท 191 points ยท Posted at 21:26:57 on September 16, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Unlike her legs.
[deleted] ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 01:37:57 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Crippling burn!
LordoftheSynth ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 05:56:20 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I know, not a lame comeback at all.
Enriquehotpantz ยท 47 points ยท Posted at 02:51:32 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Knew this kid, we'll call him Jimmy, with a mentally challenged brother, he and his friends were in a Steak 'n Shake they were making retard jokes.
A woman approached their table and says: "I work all day with mentally challenged kids, what you boys are saying is very offensive to me."
Jimmy replies: "What are you, a stay at home mom?"
She couldn't say anymore and just quickly left.
AbraKedavra ยท 14 points ยท Posted at 06:20:01 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Man that kid is a cunt, but that's quick thinking as hell
Enriquehotpantz ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 06:56:53 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Right? It was the perfect comeback at the right moment, but a terrible thing to say for sure!
Fenrir2401 ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 07:39:58 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
slowly clapping
Robtonight ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:24:44 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Lmfao
[deleted] ยท 79 points ยท Posted at 19:22:53 on September 16, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
But was her vagina handicapped?
BATTLECATSUPREME ยท 327 points ยท Posted at 21:51:30 on September 16, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
It was wheelchair accessible
Orphanpuncher0 ยท 60 points ยท Posted at 22:19:38 on September 16, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Remember what your mother said, eat your vegetables
line6210 ยท 12 points ยท Posted at 23:47:28 on September 16, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
You know what they say, hardest part about eating your vegetables is putting them back in the wheelchair.
FrostyAce81 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 04:24:18 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
/r/jesuschristreddit
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 22:49:13 on September 16, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
If only I had gold to give
ductapemonster ยท 64 points ยท Posted at 20:54:23 on September 16, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I...wait......what?
AnarkeIncarnate ยท 75 points ยท Posted at 23:42:30 on September 16, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
She had a ramp put in
MAESTRO_CHICKEN ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 04:47:56 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Some nice handrails as well
desetro ยท -1 points ยท Posted at 00:26:29 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Thanks for the chuckle
Darth-Pimpin ยท 10 points ยท Posted at 21:00:40 on September 16, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Aww yea-- โฆwait, what?
cochrane0123 ยท 22 points ยท Posted at 21:19:07 on September 16, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
WAS HER VAGINA HANDICAPPED?
seanbray ยท 8 points ยท Posted at 23:55:33 on September 16, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
So this family is on vacation. A pastor, his wife, and their 3 boys. The oldest boy is 17, and the hotel has rules about the number of guests per room. Knowing that his 17 yr old son will be staying in a room alone, the pastor asks, "Is the pornography in our rooms disabled?"
The concierge replies, "No, you sick fuck, it's just normal porn."
Back_Road_Blur ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 21:01:07 on September 16, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Think people are missing the joke here wish I could link it
ThisNameIsntCreative ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 21:15:36 on September 16, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
What is the joke?
[deleted] ยท 13 points ยท Posted at 21:22:39 on September 16, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
A disabled girl made a rap song with the lyrics "my vagina ain't handicapped"
[deleted] ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 22:45:54 on September 16, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Yup
ChinookNL ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 07:28:18 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
https://youtu.be/fe-MHkUwtFk?t=20s
DetectiveHardigan ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 23:32:00 on September 16, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
uvular_trill ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:23:38 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Probably not. Depending how you are handicapped the sex box can range from nonfunctional to totally functional, even if your legs don't work.
saltyballs1son ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 04:43:28 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Vagina ain't handicapped https://youtu.be/fe-MHkUwtFk
Lurkerking211 ยท 7 points ยท Posted at 00:06:42 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
A comeback like that really gives you a leg up on the competition
Kukri187 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 13:04:33 on September 20, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Check it out, this comment of yours made Facebook in a CollegeHumorpost.
mealzer ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 14:49:11 on September 20, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Haha awesome. The best part of this for me is that not only did I steal the story from my best friend who I went to high school with, but about a month ago I posted a picture of him on his bachelor party on photoshop battles and it made it on the chive hahahah.
UnctuousObliquity ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:24:42 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Could you tell me where to get one of these special fucking lunchboxes?
tmassofficial ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:35:41 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
This is poetry.
seth-the-wizard ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:49:34 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I want to know the aftermath
FlimmFlammery ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:50:53 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Fatality!
glorified_plumber ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:43:28 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
That'll teach her not to compensate for her insecurities with bitchiness.
themindisaweapon ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:47:05 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Plot twist: She also had tourettes
vagiants ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:59:38 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
[ ] not rekt [ X ] rekt
Autumn_Fire ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:15:32 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
#REKT
ratherslowtocatchon ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:12:18 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I get she was attractive, but what was so good about her legs?
Willasrulz10 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:40:10 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Was she paralysed, or did she literally have no legs? I assume the latter, because the former could maybe been seen as a compliment.
mealzer ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:47:48 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Just paralyzed haha
hotniX_ ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:45:09 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
An extremely good looking girl in a wheelchair unfortunately is something I have not seen before.
BlargAttack ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:46:08 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Equality FTW!!
Kindofaniceguy ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:50:22 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
If someone insults you with no provication, you're clear to tear them to shreds with words.
botgimp ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:51:18 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Cripple Pass Denied!
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 04:04:40 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Good. Being disabled doesn't make you immune to comebacks for being a bitch.
kira_senpai ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 04:07:12 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
That was fucking savage. If she wasn't a bitch, I might've felt sorry for her.
ChickenStrips45 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 04:07:13 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I would've said "Thanks, it's made of metal and good at carrying vegetables. Just like your wheel chair."
CalmMango ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 04:11:42 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
If you can't handle the heat, don't get in the kitchen. Gg no re.
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 04:26:48 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
/u/onlysaysnicelegs, was that you?
Noteamini ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 04:33:32 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
"It looks better from this angle"
Cavewoman22 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 04:38:47 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Being handicapped doesn't exclude you from your responsibilities, either just in general or as a human being. I delivered some pizzas, during a snowstorm, to a guy in a wheelchair who routinely shortchanged us. I get to his place and he gives me $1.50 less than what the total is. I ask him if he has more money, he says no, and I take the pizzas away and go back to the store. I mean, he knew what the total was, he could've ordered less if he didn't have the full amount. So, anyway, fuck that bitch.
TableHockey31313 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 04:38:57 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Good for him, standing up for her when she can't
Whatsername868 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 04:40:34 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
This is a good time for me to share a band that I really like in Korea.
Leporad ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 04:43:54 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Pic?
dontforgetthelube ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 04:51:29 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
What a lame response.
abc123_321cba ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 04:55:36 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
How is this highest upvoted? It's an extremely basic story with the twist being a disabled person.
Parrotheadnm ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 04:57:14 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
We had one of those at my high school. Called her "Hot Wheels."
Broken_Nuts ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:07:58 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Hey, don't dish it out if you can't take it.
WooWooPete ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:10:55 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
[ ] not rekt [x] REKT
GratefulGuy96 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:17:20 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
That guy cared more about his lunchbox than her entire existence and he let it be known lmao
xRoisinDubh ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:24:24 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Boom roasted.
surp_ ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:26:07 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
was she, like, just in it temporarily? Seems like a counterproductive way to live your life....
mealzer ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:46:38 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Nope she was a lifer
Theres_A_FAP_4_That ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:40:05 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
well, she probably had thin legs
Meh_Turkey_Sandwich ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:47:35 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
๐ฎ
vonkillbot ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 06:02:35 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
JE. SUS. Upvote for the story, metaphorical bonus upvote for brutality.
gregtheomniscient ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 06:04:08 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Looks 10/10 Legs 0/2
AdrianBlake ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 06:18:59 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
found /u/only_says_nice_legs
JobberTrev ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 06:21:35 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Then him and Tunes went to the cafetorium for some homo milk.
Cudiexe ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 06:23:48 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
JHS? Florida?
TheLonelyPen ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 06:34:44 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Was she wheely cute?
shignett1 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 07:04:19 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Him - "You're really pretty... "
Her - "thank you"
Him - "you'd be a slut if you could still spread your legs"
Taximan20 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 07:10:05 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I felt like I have herd this one before
danth ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 07:38:17 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
She didn't choose her legs. He chose his stupid lunch box.
mealzer ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 07:42:01 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
She chose to be a bitch
Rutagerr ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 07:42:03 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Idk if I've read this before, but this sounds a little familiar, almost like deja vu
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 07:52:55 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I was just about to give you a standing ovation.
BoonesFarmGrape ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 10:57:37 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
rule #1 if you're going to throw shade is to make sure you aren't wearing a mile-wide target on your back
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:08:41 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Nice fucking legs.
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 21:23:00 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
[deleted]
mealzer ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 21:37:23 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Haha hey it took ya a while but you got there!
Illtema ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 23:15:18 on September 16, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
This made me drop my phone and laugh out loud in my office
mealzer ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 23:16:09 on September 16, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Hahah glad I could brighten your day
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 23:42:34 on September 16, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Pretty woman rolling down the street
g_squidman ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:52:41 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
That's it? That's not even creative. That's just grabbing the first low-hanging fruit. Barely even makes sense.
lala__lida ยท 8218 points ยท Posted at 17:48:40 on September 16, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
You're like the first slice of bread, everybody touches you but no body wants you
Charella1216 ยท 1245 points ยท Posted at 22:39:32 on September 16, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I love those pieces for toast. Moral of the story: there's someone out there for everyone.
PM_ME_plsImlonely ยท 585 points ยท Posted at 23:25:56 on September 16, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
As long as you cook them first.
linesinaconversation ยท 63 points ยท Posted at 01:02:35 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
No kidding. I hate raw toast.
Glitsh ยท 15 points ยท Posted at 04:44:07 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Don't they have a word for that gross pre-toast?
EvanHarpell ยท 17 points ยท Posted at 04:57:15 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Yeast.
BlackMoth27 ยท 7 points ยท Posted at 05:42:44 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
dough*
yeast refers to just one ingredient.
JarlaxleForPresident ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 05:03:57 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Raw toast is actually pretty good if you put peanut butter & jelly on it. Just use two pieces of raw toast so you don't get your hands messy
lawnmowerparades ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 05:43:20 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Not sure if r/jesuschristreddit or r/unexpectedhitler
Commando388 ยท 7 points ยท Posted at 02:20:33 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
She's Jewish?
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:40:36 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
He didnt mention gassing her.
MrpinkCA ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 04:02:04 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
With some fava beans.
a_rainbow_serpent ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 07:58:13 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
and a nice chianti
TimtheBigDaddy ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 08:40:02 on September 18, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
SLUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUURP
[deleted] ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 04:24:37 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
As long as you
cookroast them first.GateauBaker ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 04:00:37 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
That's hot.
morvis343 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 04:26:04 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
That's... kind of the point of toast.
SimplyNigh ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 05:46:57 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
That's why you've got to burn them savagely first. Makes eating that soggy, sadness of shame at being burnt ooze out and crunch tasty.
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 04:29:41 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
And slather them with butter and eat them.
djasonwright ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 04:35:43 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
And slather 'em up with peanut butter!
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 07:50:08 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Settle down there, Hannibal
Scarletfapper ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 08:04:42 on September 18, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I try to avoid cooking people.
[deleted] ยท 20 points ยท Posted at 23:47:49 on September 16, 2016 ยท (Permalink)*
Right? The Cupi makes the best toast. It always warps into a slight bowl shape so the butter doesn't spill
Edit: Apparently it's spelt Cuppy. I've never had to write it or seen it written down before.
Shmeves ยท 8 points ยท Posted at 02:49:02 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I mean, how much butter do you put on toast that you'd have to worry about spillage?
[deleted] ยท 11 points ยท Posted at 02:55:07 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Enough to drown my sorrows.
[deleted] ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 04:15:54 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I've always just called it the butt
[deleted] ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 07:03:51 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Did you touch it?
calafragilistic ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 02:13:38 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Yeah whores are pretty great, they don't let my butter spill either
[deleted] ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 02:54:02 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Does Cupi mean whore in another language?
If so, i may have some awkward situations to explain
TheUltimatum13 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 03:56:31 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Why, because you're a filthy Cupi?
[deleted] ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 04:00:11 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I'm a bit of a Whoregrain. Been known to take anyone Baguette to my place.
ThingAMajobbly ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 03:59:03 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Hold the fuck up, it's called a CUPI?!??
[deleted] ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 04:02:13 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I mispelt. Apparently it's "Cuppy". And it's Dutch
ThingAMajobbly ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 04:06:06 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
WHEN THE FUCK DID THE DUTCH GET TIME TO NAME A PIECE OF BREAD WHAT THE FUCK
seriously that just blows my mind how our language has something oddly specific like that and also the fact it stole it from the Dutch
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 07:02:47 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
It takes a long time to sail from the Nederlands to Western Australia. People get bored
experts_never_lie ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 12:31:07 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
English has a name for the same thing, though: "heel".
Actually, it has a bunch of names for it, but "heel" is the big one. (sorry for using US maps to examine "English", but that's the data I found)
Also unlike the pop vs. soda distribution, the bread name geographic distribution seems like it has a relevant xkcd.
JoJackthewonderskunk ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 01:33:47 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
My dad always said: "Even for the ugliest car in the lot, there is an ass for every seat."
kakatak ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 04:25:24 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
This is golden
beck1670 ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 02:46:25 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
A sandwich made of heels is amazing.
Charella1216 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:17:46 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Woooah! I wouldn't go that far...
Bunbury42 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 02:47:27 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
From processed breads, it's awful. Fresh breads or garlic bread, it's top tier.
PlebbySpaff ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 07:18:44 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
According to Louis CK, that's not true.
EverSoCromulent ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 22:22:03 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
And stop saying that because it's mean.
sayitoutloud1 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:55:35 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Me and my bros used to fight for them when we were kids
CanoeBoy ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 04:14:24 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
The ol bread heels and bacon grease
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:03:45 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Actual moral of the story: There is someone with low enough standards out there for everyone.
Zeruvi ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:39:54 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
People in every house I've stayed in for a medium+ length of time learned to leave me the end pieces.
ASYMBOLDEN ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 06:01:28 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Do you burn them first you sadistic fuck?
OverEasyGoing ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 06:03:34 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
But everyone touches it first.
LadyFoxfire ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 06:49:27 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I like to dip the bread heels in my soup if I don't have proper rolls on hand. Nothing beats nice, warm, soup-flavored bread.
jcagle972 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 07:03:48 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
They're extra good for Toad-in-the-Holes (hole in buttered bread, fry an egg in the hole. Some people call it Eggy In A Basket. I don't trust those people).
-TheDeadGuy- ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 09:50:55 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I dunk them in soup, they're pretty good for that because they're less likely to fall apart.
FluffyCookie ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 11:21:22 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
"not at all true, and stop saying it, cause it's mean to people who never find anybody."
Louis CK
hushpuppi3 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 11:45:57 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
not if its like a half-sliver of bread
MKula ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:07:17 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Alternate moral: wait for the one who nobody wants to get hot.
jgallo10 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:46:00 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
The bread butt is the best part of the loaf!
Fosheasy ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:23:03 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Damm barbarian. We live in a civilized world and you end loafers have no place among us.
๐๏ธ Koean ยท 1602 points ยท Posted at 18:09:31 on September 16, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Simple but brutal. I love it.
koyo4 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 04:26:54 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
This is me. Im sad.
jason2306 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 08:15:51 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Hey atleast you get touched
you_me_fivedollars ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:50:28 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Hey now. There's nothing wrong with the ends of a loaf of bread and don't you let anyone tell you different.
-Claive- ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:54:55 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I imagine this would be super cringey to actually use in person.
Sugarpeas ยท 14 points ยท Posted at 00:13:50 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I fucking love the end pieces of bread. My boyfriend always makes sure to save them for me to use as a toasty PB&J sandwich.
knowsguy ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 04:30:38 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I will admit, I felt I had resorted to those in the past, but was, in fact, pleasantly surprised.
Wolfgang7990 ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 00:28:31 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I eat the ends. So there's that:)
[deleted] ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 05:00:53 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Have you ever heard the love story of the crusts: Two pieces of bread different from the rest of the loaf, split furthest apart from one another. They rely upon being constantly rejected as good bread to eat to slowly yet surely come together to form a crusty love hug and inevitably be thrown away in the bag. Whilst the rest of the loaf has been eaten, they are together for a journey to the tip and end in an moldy eternity.
I'm sure this could be worded better but you get the point.
TheRandomizerKing ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 06:05:12 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Better than being the bag. You get ripped open, sit and get ignored while your contents get consumed, and then eventually, you just get thrown the fuck away. No one eats the bag, no one appreciates the bag. The bag is lonely.
1SaBy ยท 11 points ยท Posted at 21:11:20 on September 16, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I don't get it.
olib_6 ยท 40 points ยท Posted at 21:14:05 on September 16, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
In a loaf the end with one side of crust is never eaten, but to get the rest of the bread you have to touch it. Thus never wanted, touched by everyone.
1SaBy ยท 48 points ยท Posted at 21:19:09 on September 16, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
People don't eat those? If the bread is freshly baked, that's the best part!
swheels125 ยท 75 points ยท Posted at 21:31:46 on September 16, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Check out Mr/Ms "Freshly baked" over here in the land of plenty with freshly made bread on a regular basis.
.....I envy you.
infez ยท 50 points ยท Posted at 21:37:38 on September 16, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I also envy people who've never met you.
boyyoz1 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 23:35:11 on September 16, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
TRW when you take what someone said to heart
Thatsnowconeguy ยท 8 points ยท Posted at 22:11:43 on September 16, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
M E T A
E
T
A
Deadbath ยท -5 points ยท Posted at 22:55:39 on September 16, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Meh. That comeback's floated around for a while now. It's been meta in every one of these threads.
nouille07 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 22:19:04 on September 16, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Welcome to France
[deleted] ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 00:41:25 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Just bake your own. Basic stuff only takes like 15-20 minutes of work for however many loaves you feel like making. And the ingredients cost almost nothing.
1SaBy ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 21:36:07 on September 16, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Not on regular basis. Once or twice a month at the most.
lipstickparty ยท 11 points ยท Posted at 23:15:01 on September 16, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I eat that bread. It's 2016 and people are eating ass but don't wanna eat that? Get outta here with that noise
EpicDad ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 21:43:19 on September 16, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I'm the only person I know that actually enjoys the end. All of my family (both sides) always leave it for me.
pidgeotto_big_balls ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 03:02:07 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
My roommates leave it for me as well, you're not alone. If I'm being honest, i totally judge people for not eating it. It tastes the exact fucking same...
RECOGNI7E ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 23:22:26 on September 16, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Yes, you are weird
Iorith ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 06:05:35 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I like it as long as it's one end, one middle. Two ends is too much.
1SaBy ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 21:45:36 on September 16, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
As far as I know, my entire family likes them.
[deleted] ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 23:43:23 on September 16, 2016 ยท (Permalink)*
[deleted]
1SaBy ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 08:44:25 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
That actually does look pretty horrible.
woyteck ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 21:26:08 on September 16, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
British bread weirdos.
1SaBy ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 21:37:23 on September 16, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Are you saying that the other commenters are British or that I'm British? Because I'm not British.
Keycuk ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 21:53:09 on September 16, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Even the end bits of a loaf of British bread are better than that chemical shit they call bread in America!
MechanicalTurkish ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:18:21 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Agreed. And even if it's regular grocery store bread, those pieces are great toasted. dat crunch...
1SaBy ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 08:43:23 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Sure, but after a few hours it's too soft and not as good as a result.
murderouspanda00 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 22:20:59 on September 16, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
i eat crust all the time
a5vastra ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 23:21:59 on September 16, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
How does that apply to the person though?
At least they get touched sometimes; wouldn't it be more insulting to insinuate that no one ever touches you at all AND no one ever wants you?
I mean, looking further I kind of understand; it's like even though people HAVE to touch you they keep looking further because that's how bad you are.
But does that really apply to people?
MamaToast ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 07:34:56 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I think "everybody touches you but no body wants you" means everyone has fucked her but no one wants to be in a relationship with her.
PinkDalek ยท 15 points ยท Posted at 21:26:44 on September 16, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
He/She is a slut. People will sleep with them but they don't really want to keep them around.
1SaBy ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 21:36:38 on September 16, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I was actually referring to the bread part. But that's been explained to me already. :D
PinkDalek ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 21:39:31 on September 16, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Oh. Yeah, I don't like that first slice of bread (I call it the butt). I only touch it to get it out of the way of the other pieces I want behind it.
BATTLECATSUPREME ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 21:54:23 on September 16, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I feed it to wildlife
UpvotesForLaughs ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 00:17:35 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
And they keep the other pieces of bread fresh!
fleebinflobbin ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 02:42:58 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
This is how slutty bread gets ready https://static1.e621.net/data/0e/72/0e7242e0fdd535203c47a09a5e33531f.gif
comical_peanut ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 03:37:40 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
This is the most scything one in the whole thread, the kind of broad strokes hit that people will dwell on for months. Its a gift that keeps on giving.
2glamtogiveadamn ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 03:59:50 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I've witnessed this destroy lives
4609203 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 05:05:40 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
OR "you're like that last slice of bread, no one touches you and no one wants you"
samx3i ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 06:12:20 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I love spreading the glory of the magnificent semicolon!
Daxtotomor ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 13:45:31 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I said this to my buddy once... he came back with "well you're like the last slice of bread. Nobody touches you and nobody wants you"
nixalo ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 22:30:57 on September 16, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Look at Mr "Wasting Bread" Over here. Got good money to throw away bread. Why don't you listen to your address music on your iPhone 7 and iPods and make toast on your Samsungs.
Redbulldildo ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:21:53 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
wanting and using are different things.
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:55:46 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Man that feels bad.
RatedRGamer ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 04:03:15 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
this would be so cringey if it was said out loud
Scoot_Ya_Boot ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 04:09:13 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
It's a father's duty to eat all the end pieces of bread, and super tighten the lids on all the jars every Sunday.
It feels good to have a purpose.
killyouwithmydick ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 04:10:38 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Oh geee.
Frankandthatsit ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 04:32:45 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
wow, that just summed up most of my ex gfs
Wanderingmind144 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 04:38:12 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I eat the first slice of bread
yuwesley ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 04:43:28 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I always make an effort not to touch that slice, I grab it from outside the wrapper. Basically, wear a condom.
SirRogers ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:11:53 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I hope they felt like a major heel after that.
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:14:55 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
In Dutch, the heel of the bread is called the "kopje" and in some cases is the Prized Piece.
countersoul ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:28:07 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
The first slice is my favorite. Got to have that heel lol
Hellspark08 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:28:55 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I eat it so nobody else has to put up with it. You're welcome.
runetrantor ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:49:08 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
My grandma loved those pieces.
Not sure if that would be an extra burn, or not though. :P
FuckStartYourHeart ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:49:09 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I always eat the ass-end of the bread when there's a fresh loaf. Nobody else does, so I might as well do it.
Kylesmomabigfatbtch ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:54:23 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Woah dude we are on reddit you know
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 06:00:54 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I've seen that end slice as that book end piece to keep the middle slices covered. Not that I don't want it. I just don't wanna eat it without the other end piece.
CloudBoy416 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 06:01:10 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I've seen this line A THOUSAND TIMES on /r/roastme. Real original.
skinrust ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 06:10:46 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
You're like a 24 hour Walmart. Always open for business, but no one really wants to go inside.
thanatonaut ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 06:38:38 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
that's just stupid and cruel
tyrionlannister ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 07:20:34 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
So, what was the comeback?
astickywhale ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 07:20:56 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
.....but nobody touches me..... =(
sirfiggynewton ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 07:21:44 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Cheryl: "Mopeds are fun but you don't want to let your buddies see you riding one." Pam: "I thought he meant I was fuel efficient. I had only had 10 ten beers."
mattintaiwan ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 08:30:38 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
ITT: nobody knows the difference between a "comeback" and an "insult."
I would explain the difference to you, but I have neither the time nor the crayons to do it. Am I right, le Reddit?
kubuzetto ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 08:48:08 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Comedy Central Toast
alecksvargas ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 10:36:13 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
FUCK
GuruBushHippie ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 11:08:57 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
That butt slice though. It gets thrown out with the bag.
earthlings_all ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 12:12:48 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Fucking OUCH! man
TheUpsetTapeDrive ยท 325 points ยท Posted at 04:13:46 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
A friend of mine was sharing a post of his favorite baseball team and another friend commented "Wow, didnt know you were that gay"
He replied, "I'm straighter than the pole your wife dances on."
chilly-wonka ยท 14 points ยท Posted at 15:18:56 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)*
Since when is baseball gay?! Just because I'm obsessed with Max Scherzer's dirty, filthy pitching and his strong arms and the way he handles the balls and his sexy strikeouts doesn't mean I'm gay ffs.
AmAShill ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 18:59:35 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Well at least you're straighter than the pole OP's friend's wife dances on.
Turmoil_Engage ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 16:05:33 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
How the fuck do people even get a high horse about what "team" they favor? Sorry, I just hate how people get about sports.
[deleted] ยท 7 points ยท Posted at 16:45:23 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Cities come together to hate each other in the name of sport.
TheUpsetTapeDrive ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:35:16 on September 18, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I dont get it either. :P
[deleted] ยท 7948 points ยท Posted at 23:23:43 on September 16, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Standing in line at the grocery store in the morning of New Years Day. Guy buying donuts, girl behind the register says "That must be your NYs Resolution."
Guy: "My resolution is to mind my own fucking business."
She started crying and someone else had to come take over.
legendary_dick ยท 1762 points ยท Posted at 01:06:58 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Damn. I wish I had something like that ready a few years ago when I was buying fried chicken and wine around Thanksgiving and the cashier said, "Looks like someone's having a lonely Thanksgiving, eh?"
Eldalai ยท 3327 points ยท Posted at 02:07:10 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
"Yeah, what with my mom having Alzheimer's and my wife and infant daughter dying in a car crash six months ago, it's going to be pretty fucking lonely"
making people feel really shitty about saying rude things is fun
plopploptoot ยท 1652 points ยท Posted at 03:34:59 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Fun story:
When my parents were about 24, pretty poor, and my older sister was just a baby, they woke up in the middle of the night to their apartment building on fire. They escaped, but the entire building burned to the ground.
That night around 2 AM, after losing everything, my young parents and their baby were on their way out to my grandma's house to stay with her, but needed to stop at a 24hr Walmart to get the baby essentials they would need but no longer had: ie. Formula, diapers, super basic stuff.
My mom walks up to the register, wearing her pj's because ofcourse that's what she was wearing when the fire broke out (and no longer owned any clothes).
The cashier looks at her and, in a judgmental tone, says "well aren't we all dressed up."
Mom let the bitch have it.
sunandstarnoise ยท 1082 points ยท Posted at 04:12:10 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Seriously though, what the fuck? Even if your parents house HADN'T burned down, why would somebody look down on someone else for buying baby stuff in the middle of the night in their pyjamas? What a dumb and shitty person.
[deleted] ยท 934 points ยท Posted at 05:12:56 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
After 8pm Walmart goes black-tie
Coffeesq ยท 504 points ยท Posted at 05:27:16 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
"It's after six. What am I, a farmer?"
Shantotto11 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 14:28:40 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
30 Rock FTW
anomalous_cowherd ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 07:12:27 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Takes a lot to balance out the daytime dress code.
jessie_monster ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 08:07:31 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
What are they, farmers?
Vlad_Z ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 07:07:08 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Black tie down straps for those motorized obesycles.
DingleDanglies ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 11:40:21 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
No sneakers, if you ain't got dress shoes, you're not coming in.
[deleted] ยท -3 points ยท Posted at 05:40:35 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Ftfy
thad137 ยท 11 points ยท Posted at 05:48:09 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Is there such a thing as /r/mildlyjesuschristreddit? Because this is so close to, but not quite /r/jesuschristreddit worthy.
CowardiceNSandwiches ยท 8 points ยท Posted at 06:36:14 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
How about /r/cheeseandricereddit?
or
/r/judaspriestreddit?
CipherClump ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 06:25:09 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
But how does it go back?
Surfing_Ninjas ยท 29 points ยท Posted at 05:14:02 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
As someone who works 3rd shift, a fair amount of people who work that late simply hate their life so much that the only satisfaction they get is by being total dickturds. Not saying it's okay, this is just what I have experienced.
klezart ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 05:13:38 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I don't know about you, but I won't go to Walmart without a suit on. /s
xj13361987 ยท 7 points ยท Posted at 06:19:10 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Its walmart at 2 am. There are way many more people to judge than someone in their pjs.
slaaitch ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 05:53:55 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Why would an overnight Walmart cashier look down on anybody? I mean, at least you're probably not a heroin addict, so you have that going for you, I guess...
Palpable_Charisma ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 06:20:12 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Well, especially at WALMART out of all places
JustZisGuy ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 05:40:18 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Well, they're working the 2AM shift at Walmart... I'm guessing their life hasn't really gone according to plan.
Koolaidguy541 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 10:38:29 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
lol... the cashier at walmart wanted to have a taste of the high life. She wasnt even high class enough to be scheduled during normal people hours.
Prod_Is_For_Testing ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 06:43:46 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Especially someone working for minimum wage at a Walmart graveyard shift
welcomebackalice ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 13:06:33 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I think at one point or another, we've all been to Walmart in our pajamas.
tortesfortortoises ยท 23 points ยท Posted at 05:10:03 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
... are pajamas not all dressed up for Walmart
crackrox69 ยท 11 points ยท Posted at 06:07:55 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Seriously, I thought normal attire was daisy dukes with shit running down your leg.
MJBrune ยท 14 points ยท Posted at 05:31:23 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
"I guess you would call this dressed up when you make 2.50 an hour." maybe even throw in "You'd be lucky to have something that isn't the ground on your back." and then "Whore." under your breath.
SomeCasualObserver ยท 9 points ยท Posted at 06:03:39 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
And this is why I can't enjoy sites like peopleofwalmart.com. You can't know someone else's situation.
dem_bond_angles ยท 8 points ยท Posted at 06:06:53 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Oh my god. I need a filter in my life. Like in my every day, comfortable life I say shit that makes me grab my mouth with one hand and reach the words that just flew out of my grocery hole with the other. My friends know this. My family knows this. It's never on purpose or really malicious but sometimes I say awkward shit.
When you speak to people you've never met, that should be on lock. I meet 50-100 new people a day with my job. At all hours. I'm all states of confusion and disarray and I would never say anything like that TO them. Maybe behind closed doors but damn.
Also I've been to Walmart about a million times in what could be considered PJs. If anyone ever said that to me there I would immediately mention that I don't have to get dressed up to see someone donning a blue apron getting paid minimum wage. Or some other kind of word vomit like I mentioned earlier that unwound most likely regret 5 minutes later. Funny how that works.
Fairnin ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 05:29:07 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I can only imagine what it would be like to be a fly on the wall and hear that conversation
Naznarreb ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 05:53:29 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I may be shopping in my PJs but at least I'm not working graves at a fucking Walmart
shanerz ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 06:36:05 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Cashier works at Walmart, life has already let the bitch have it.
Top_Gorilla17 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 08:05:20 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
In fairness, that is sort of overdressed for Wal-Mart after 2 am.
Cizzar ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 08:33:21 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
It's Walmart, clothes are optional when shopping
brownieman2016 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 13:32:20 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
How can you be judgemental if you are a cashier at Walmart? At like 3 am...
gekkouga ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 08:11:08 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
That wasn't a very fun story.
GeneralMalaiseRB ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 12:43:45 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
That's a... fun story.
[deleted] ยท 622 points ยท Posted at 02:27:40 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
[deleted]
ShmooelYakov ยท 477 points ยท Posted at 03:19:40 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Pavlov's Asshole?
dudeAwEsome101 ยท 56 points ยท Posted at 04:37:18 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I'm imagining a scientist wearing a lab coat ringing a bell, then fingering a dog.
awesmazingj ยท 11 points ยท Posted at 05:15:52 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Only if the dog is named Colby.
mrsnipes82 ยท 8 points ยท Posted at 06:59:35 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
NO DEAR LORD PLEASE
POOR COLBY :'(
rift_in_the_warp ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 06:05:40 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Colby Jakov.
Wixou ยท 9 points ยท Posted at 05:45:00 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
/r/nocontext?
[deleted] ยท 8 points ยท Posted at 05:45:16 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Jesus christ- I let out a chuckle so abrubt, and violent my housemate thought I was choking.
Zerotan ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 22:24:56 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Is that why I can't shit without my phone shining in my face?
Exaskryz ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:04:35 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
No... this one was probably always shitty.
wuzzum ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:05:07 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
We surgically replace the anus with the mouth?!
inflammablepenguin ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 06:03:09 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
You can only lick it when the bell rings.
TheSchnozzberry ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 06:16:52 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I smell a historically inaccurate Porno idea.
the2x4warrior ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 07:32:32 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Why am I salivating?!
meghonsolozar ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 11:58:00 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
STOP RINGING THE BELL!!!!
screamingmorgasm ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 13:59:40 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Don't say that, you're making me salivate.
WhatThe_IsThatLegal ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 04:47:28 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Not enough upvotes, this one.
Budborne ยท 11 points ยท Posted at 04:06:47 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Well now I'm not sure if this is good advice or not, but Im fucking doing it because I'm an asshole anyways
flarpington ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 04:32:03 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I doubt it.
[deleted] ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 04:48:39 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
or maybe they're an awful person and would count that as a win
[deleted] ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 06:37:27 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
No, then they just feel bad only because of what you said. They're still shitty. And probably because they're insecure about something.
When people say stuff like that (never that obvious or overtly mean), I usually just smile and say "I'll be alright" and then tell them to have a nice day.
I figure they'll think about it more if someone is just fine with a situation that they see as negative.
CthulianCat ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:21:10 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Parenting 101
[deleted] ยท 10 points ยท Posted at 03:28:03 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Gotta say it really sad like and not angry. Maybe add in some fake crying. That way it'll stick with them for years.
LetsJerkCircular ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 05:02:31 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I had fresh scars all over my face, after my medical leave. They weren't terrible, but they were very noticeable. I got sick of explaining them to people so I just would pretend I didn't know what people were talking about.
That was pretty brutal, "What? There's something wrong with my face?"
Mind your business
This one lady wouldn't let it go. She insisted that she knew exactly what happened to me because her brother had similar scars.
"It was a ski accident! You were wearing goggles; I can see where they cut around the eye."
I seriously couldn't stand her and she was getting too personal, but I just kept brushing it aside to show it wasn't something I wanted to talk about.
My coworker stepped in and said, "He was in a car accident and had to be air lifted so he didn't die. He doesn't wanna talk about it."
She went pale.
Then the apologies got annoying just as fast.
Boundaries, man.
Tchrspest ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 03:13:01 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
"Speaking of, can you hold this for me? I need to go grab some whiskey."
amd2800barton ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 05:29:15 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
You end it by reminding them that their life is shit too - "everyone I love died, my dog has cancer and I just got fired, but at least I'm not working as a cashier on fucking thanksgiving"
GoGators2 ยท 8 points ยท Posted at 05:24:51 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
OMG that reminds me of an incident long ago when we were at Disney World with my 3-year old son. My wife was in the bathroom, I was chilling on a bench and my son, overheated and exhausted, was having a mini-meltdown in the stroller and accidentally kicked a passing middle-aged woman. She scowled at me, so I apologized and said "Sorry, he needs a nap." She snapped back at me, "What he needs is some manners!". I said, "I know, but he hasn't been the same since we lost his Mom in the fire." The look on her face was priceless. Fucking bitch, lol.
Spartancoolcody ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 06:34:40 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Is there a subreddit for stories like this? It's really enjoyable to read stories like this for whatever reason.
GoGators2 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 11:42:15 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
/r/makingpeoplefeelreallyshittyaboutsayingrudethingsisfun
trichofobia ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 03:04:23 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I love you.
[deleted] ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 05:15:29 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Or just tell the manager and they will lose their job. No sensible manager let's service people abuse the payers.
therealkainoa ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:45:51 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Could have been out of sympathy but just poorly worded
gmanpeterson381 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:24:58 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Now that would be a savage response, a 0 on the 1-5 "Jesus approves" scale
Chadsfavorite ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:32:43 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Lol that would be something I'd say
dezodiackiller ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:32:45 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I do that sometimes
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:41:29 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Got this once - was wearing black because, you know I couldn't find anything darker.
Snarky girl: " Who died?"
Me: " My father" - it was 2 years previous so I felt a bit guilty.
CannibalisticZebra87 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:57:55 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I have moments where I think of really good shit like that to say, but I never actually say it because I'm always afraid it will come true if I say it outloud.
goldfishpaws ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 06:22:01 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Yes! Simple example the other week, sitting on a bus, minding my own business, reading a bit of reddit, etc. Judgemental woman and her slightly mad but tolerated and generally well meaning friend behind me. Judgemental woman from nowhere makes a deliberately loud comment about people looking at phones on a bus, and doubled down when I challenged if this was for my benefit, claiming it offended her. I was barely controlling my incredulous anger. Her friend tried to explain that they liked /talking/, with /eye contact/, proper conversation like proper people blah blah.
I must admit to tweaking the truth for a good smackdown, saying that I was sending a message to my wife who's long-term sick in bed letting her know I could pick up medicine when I got to my destination and would be home soon. I then expanded on it by running in how wonderful it would be were my wife well enough to be able to catch a bus (she genuinely isn't some days, I just stretched it and coloured in the gaps with florid sentiment).
Outraged that bus woman would choose to tell me that I was not allowed to communicate quietly and discretely with my spouse, I went for, and got the kill. She felt proper shitty and apologised, so I pointed out that she has no idea what's going on in other people's lives so perhaps not judging world be a good idea. Hinted at a bit of Jesus stuff because they were regular churchgoers, and bam a straight win, allowing me to go back to browsing reddit.
Gordo778 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 06:58:57 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
When I was sixteen some customers at my workplace were chatting about Mother's Day and tried to bring me into the conversation, asking what I was doing. I told them nothing special, and they just went off on me. "Oh my god! How can you not celebrate mother's day, don't you love your mom???" Until finally I told them I would be visiting the cemetary. That shut them up pretty fast.
spawndon ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 07:08:31 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
But wasn't she trying to ... um sleep with the guy?
745631258978963214 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 07:43:56 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
"Lol you must really suck at life if your whole family is fucked up like that. I imagine your father left for a pack of smokes? Anyway, enjoy your lonely thanksgiving. I'm going to have mine with Cindy!"
cue cindy coming out of the stock room and getting hugged by Chad
marr ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 07:49:42 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Yeah, fuck that guy. Don't joke about loneliness during peak suicide week, asshole.
Thedopestdinosaur ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 13:24:36 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Oh man, I made a friend feel like garbage one time. He noticed a tattoo I have of a close male family members name. He joked, "is that the guy that broke your heart hurr durr" and I was like "yeah, that's my relative, it really broke my heart when he died."
Lozzif ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 13:31:48 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I did that that some random asshole. Asked if I had kids. Said no. Asked why not. Answered 'well I've had two miscarriages and then my fiancรฉe dumped me for a man'
blounsbury ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 13:46:02 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I did this to a woman at the grocery store one time. When my son was born my wife almost bled to death and my son ended up spending the first month of his life in the NICU. This combination lead to my wife not producing enough breast milk to feed him. She tried so hard and was so upset she couldn't. She pumped all the time and took all kinds of supplements to try and increase her supply. We gave him as much breast milk as possible and supplemented with formula so my son would starve to death.
Anyhow, when my son was 3 months old some nosy, know it all woman was in line behind me at checkout when I was buying formula at the grocery store. She then proceeded to go on a rant about how "breast is best" and how we were selfish and lazy for not breastfeeding. I told her my wife died during childbirth and that I simply had no other choice since I can't produce breast milk. At the time thinking about almost losing my wife made me pretty emotional because it was still pretty recent and raw so I actually teared up.
The woman looked absolutely mortified. She stuttered and mumbled something about forgetting something and went back into the store while I checked out. I hope she learned her lesson and never does that to another parent again. It's none of her fucking business and if she would have said it to someone like my wife it would have just been so devastating.
thetrueBAUSE ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:05:00 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I'll remind your cuck father how lonely I am after he's done watching me fuck your mom from the closet
CassandraVindicated ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:58:49 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I was camping with a buddy and he was giving me shit about my pink bandana. I got a large collection of my mom's bandanas after she died of breast cancer and some were more colorful than others. I thought I'd fuck with him a bit and said "It was the one my mom was wearing when she died."
He didn't miss a beat and asked "Did she look as stupid wearing it as you do?"
waka_flocculonodular ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:14:06 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Holy shit yes.
I was at the movies when I was younger. Texting before a movie. Couple at the end of the aisle tells me very rudely to put my phone away. Think about it the whole movie. As we are leaving I turned to the couple and told them that I had diabetes and my parents wanted to make sure I was alive and that's why they texted me. Couple was speechless.
richard_ravish_ii ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:52:18 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Hit em with the teenage daughter though. You know your whole world the one who made you give up your crippling addiction and your sweet loving wife karen who was TAKEN from you by a drunk driver.
God I love making rude people feel awful.
Ctotheg ยท -9 points ยท Posted at 04:00:30 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
"Please feel sorry for me" is a good comeback?
Why?
It's supposed to make a cashier (who already doesn't give a shit about you) feel bad?
truckthunderwood ยท 761 points ยท Posted at 02:33:47 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
"Lonely Thanksgiving? No, my resolution is to mind my own fucking business."
Doesn't really pack the same punch.
Taroso ยท 35 points ยท Posted at 06:13:09 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
"Nice fucking legs"
irawwwr ยท 11 points ยท Posted at 09:39:18 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
"Please lick chocolate sauce off me"...oh wait
[deleted] ยท 22 points ยท Posted at 05:10:49 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
My resolution is 1440x900, bitch.
[deleted] ยท 32 points ยท Posted at 04:35:40 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
[deleted]
cptaixel ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 09:13:32 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Ahhh there it is
Mcdz ยท 27 points ยท Posted at 04:18:03 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
"Looks like someone should mind their own fucking business" would work better.
weaver900 ยท 35 points ยท Posted at 04:33:38 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Except that's not a comeback, that's on the same level as just saying "fuck off"
Wiki_pedo ยท 10 points ยท Posted at 07:26:03 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
"Not as lonely as working behind the till while everyone else is with their families"
Fortysevens11 ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 04:25:37 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Not since the accident?
gun-nut ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 04:59:22 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Only since the accident.
Vlad_Z ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 07:08:07 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
My house burned down in a new years resolution.
nowake ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 04:32:47 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Good enough to get the point across, with the side bonus of some confusion.
PM_ME_UR_FLOWERS ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 05:23:08 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Yeah. I like to think I'm thankful for minding my own fucking business.
Could work.
Fitzgig1984 ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 07:04:48 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
"Yes, I'm alone tonight but at least I don't need to be a bitch forever."
vetelmo ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 06:05:55 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I'm gonna use it tomorrow!
mr_lemonpie ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:37:57 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Looks like someone needs to mind their own fucking business sounds fine though.
dick-hipples ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 06:18:09 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Not when you deliver it like that.
iloveoreos ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 07:13:42 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
He said he wished he had something LIKE that ready to say, not IT.
letmeexplainitforyou ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 08:55:50 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I'd just retort with "Sorry for your luck!" to myself when I thought of it in the parking lot
AShitInASilkStocking ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 08:57:26 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
"If you don't fix that shitty attitude it'll be you."
queeftastrophy ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:04:26 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Yeah, I have a lot to be thankful for this Thanksgiving, like knowing when to mind my own damn business.
timesuck897 ยท 20 points ยท Posted at 02:08:09 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Lonely? That sounds like an awesome thanksgiving. No big family dinner, awkward conversations about politics or when I'm getting married, and I can wear sweat pants.
legendary_dick ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 02:11:02 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
It wasn't even actual Thanksgiving, it was a couple days before! I ended up eating leftover fried chicken for Thanksgiving which is better or worse depending on how you want to see it.
Has_No_Gimmick ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 04:28:26 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
You can wear sweat pants to a family Thanksgiving get-together, just ask my uncle.
NowWithVitaminR ยท 7 points ยท Posted at 04:31:14 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Somewhat related, I absolutely hate it when cashiers comment on my food or how often I visit the store/restaurant. I know they're trying to be jokey, but I don't want to be judged, even in a light-hearted way, on what I get.
This will sound really petty and immature, but one time when I went to a favorite restaurant, the cashier said "I should remember your order since you're in here all the time." I didn't go back for a month.
inactiveaccount ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 06:46:48 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Dude, I can see how you took it that way but I doubt the cashier actually meant anything by it.
NowWithVitaminR ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 13:00:35 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I know he didn't mean anything by it, but it just made me not want to go back there for a while - again, I know this is very petty and insecure.
wicked-dog ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 04:44:44 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
"Yeah that's why I like to bring a meal to a homeless person, because I'm trying to make people feel better about their lives before I go home to my loving family. If you need someone to talk to later when you are here all alone working, go fuck yourself."
Josh_The_Boss ยท 7 points ยท Posted at 05:17:26 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
"Yeah, I'm thanking for having a job that can't be replaced by a 15 year old with no experience."
[deleted] ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 03:41:38 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
[deleted]
--Quartz-- ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 05:37:12 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
What's the difference? You're their all-time best seller!!
somedude456 ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 04:38:25 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
The secret is to be prepared. Several years back I was waiting tables at a chain restaurant. Several times I lied about having a wife or kids, just because people assumed otherwise. I really don't recall more about what was said, but a person said to me something followed by, "When you get a real job, you'll learn about that." Being quit witted, I shot back, "Doubt it, my wife is a surgeon down at the hospital. We already agreed I'll stay home with the kids in a few years. I'm just doing this to get out of the house till then." Instantly their looks said, "WTF, you're more rich than us?"
RithyH ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 02:35:51 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Wine... fried chicken. Good thanksgiving.
flirt77 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 07:37:47 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I got broken up with over text while I was checking out at Trader Joe's last year. I really like the frozen Asian food they have there, cause I work late and don't like doing meal prep every night. Not even 10 seconds after I got the "never talk to me again" text, the cashier says, "This is some single man food right here." I wanted to cry but I ended up laughing, it felt like it was scripted.
Body_Pillow_Bride ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:17:53 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I was making a dessert recipe for Christmas a couple years ago. And I needed to packs of double stuffed Oreos for the recipe. So I go to the store and only get the cookies. I go to check out and a 20 something year old girl says to me, "big plans tonight?" I just kinda laughed it off and left. I'm a big guy so it kinda hurt but life goes on.
sidney_crago ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 04:16:10 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
"My thanksgiving is to mind my own fucking business... wait"
nedonedonedo ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 04:47:28 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
"nah, I just need a snack in between fucking your parents"
whataboutringo ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 04:58:31 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Username does not check out, OP. ;)
Facemelter66 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:00:51 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
or you could just say: "you're a fucking cashier"
boot2skull ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:03:35 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
"Yeah? I'm sorry to hear that. I'm eating fried chicken, drinking red wine and having a MMMF foursome"
Man_of_the_Wall ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:18:48 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
"At least I'm not working "
LinkDude80 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:18:49 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
"Yea it kinda sucks that they make you come in on thanksgiving. You should be with your family."
nalydpsycho ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:26:06 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I'm sorry to hear that. I am very grateful for all who love me and I hope that one day, you will find someone who cares for you.
TinusTussengas ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:54:30 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
One time in the drive threw of kfc I ordered a share box. The lady at the counter was looking in my otherwise empty car.....
IrNinjaBob ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:58:26 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
"Looks like someone's having a lonely Thanksgiving, eh?"
"My resolution is to mind my own fucking business."
I don't know, it didn't work quite as well.
Astrangerindander ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 06:02:37 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Cashier: "Looks like someone's having a lonely Thanksgiving, eh?"
You: "My resolutions is to mind my own fucking business"
Flawless Victory
HippieKillerHoeDown ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 06:20:03 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
well, yeah, you, the dumb bitch working a till on thanksgiving.
shanerz ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 06:33:47 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
You should have said, it's still a lot better than having to spend it with you.
ders89 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 06:58:15 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
"Looks like someones having a lonely mind my own fucking business, EH?!?"
GeniusMike ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 07:12:03 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
"Said the man stuck working the cash register selling these items to me..."
oniiesu ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 07:21:41 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Looks like someone is speaking to your manager
Jedi4Hire ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 07:42:44 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Reminds me of when my grandfather died. I was at a store buying a new suit jacket and black tie. The lady at the register, trying to be funny, says "Nice suit, who died?"
I looked at her without expression and said "My grandfather."
SkiSTX ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 08:28:26 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
That's bad when a CANADIAN says that.
Upvotes_poo_comments ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 08:54:01 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
You can always go with a standard "Looks like someone needs to shut up and ring up my order like a good little change boy/girl."
GarbledReverie ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 10:48:27 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
You could have flipped it around like "Awww... better luck next year!"
Lyktan ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 10:48:41 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
"Well, you are the one behind the register and the one working, so it might be the other way around".
FatBoyNotReally ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 14:13:50 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
"Looks like someone's having a lonely Thanksgiving, eh?" "My resolution is to mind my own fucking business."
StormiNorman818 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 14:34:18 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I had to buy Plan B once and the pharmacist told me "Good luck."
HasturTheUknowable ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:01:25 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
"Ha, looks like someones bagging fuckin groceries." In the wise words of Joe Caparulo.
Dr_Freedman ยท 2284 points ยท Posted at 01:07:36 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Why the hell did she start crying?
Navvana ยท 503 points ยท Posted at 03:41:11 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Two possible reasons that come to mind.
She's socially inept and is just trying to be friendly. She struggles with it daily and this guy just happened to be one of many social interactions that despite her best efforts has gone negatively.
She has the emotional stability of a spinning top.
jussnf ยท 34 points ยท Posted at 04:53:52 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I actually felt bad for her. She tried....
[deleted] ยท 73 points ยท Posted at 04:50:48 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
[deleted]
HappycamperNZ ยท 17 points ยท Posted at 08:56:46 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
On the Internet no one knows you are a human
KelleyMcChes ยท 17 points ยท Posted at 11:05:47 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
YES YOU ARE RIGHT BUT WE ARE ALL HUMANS AND THERE IS NO CHANCE THAT WE ARE ROBOTS
softlovehugs ยท 10 points ยท Posted at 12:54:58 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
beep boop
Pizza_Delivery_Dog ยท 7 points ยท Posted at 11:37:29 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
bark
RQK1996 ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 09:09:12 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
anonymity helps a lot with social interactions
Ragnrok ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 12:27:36 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Thus exacerbating the problem until you die.
[deleted] ยท 25 points ยท Posted at 05:01:53 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Spinning tops are actually pretty stable. That's why they spin, angular momentum.
Navvana ยท 46 points ยท Posted at 05:35:56 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)*
A spinning top is stable which is why I used it as an example. The statement "like a spinning top" would make no sense in this context if the the starting condition was unstable as that means your action towards them is irrelevant. However, compared to other stable systems it is far more vulnerable to perturbations. Further a top will decay into instability in commonly used scenarios (like most readers will have experienced) which alludes to the intended impression of an "unstable" personality.
While the top becomes more resilient to perturbation as the angular momentum increases this can be said of any stabilizing factor. For example my pyramid becomes more stable as I increase the base's area. Since people most frequently encounter tops that have close to the minimal angular momentum to maintain stability the example works on an intuitive basis.
curiouslyendearing ยท 18 points ยท Posted at 06:23:27 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Over explained to perfection.
Navvana ยท 8 points ยท Posted at 06:29:02 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Exactly what I was going for =P
CroutonOfDEATH ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 05:37:51 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Until you give it a light tap, then it just goes to shit.
RQK1996 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 09:09:38 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
yeah but one hit and they go down
StDoodle ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 06:09:20 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
To clarify, the two are not mutually exclusive. Sauce: am twirling to and fro.
phineas_n_ferb ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 10:15:07 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I've never seen a spinning top cry when I screamt mean things at it.
Navvana ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 13:02:53 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Yea but "emotional stability analogous to a spinning top's ability to resist the gravitational force while maintaining its spin" is a bit of a mouthful.
ResditSportsHobby ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 13:24:09 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Or its retail and that bitch isn't the first bitch to make a bitch comment that shift.
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 14:25:27 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
ยฟPorque no los dos? ๐ฒ๐ฝ๐ฒ๐ฝ๐ฒ๐ฝ๐ฒ๐ฝ๐ฒ๐ฝ
thetrueBAUSE ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:07:22 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Turns out she was trying to playfully flirt
major84 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:58:48 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
so , you are saying she was a teenage girl
pickleops ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 05:09:03 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
a spinning top is quite stable
[deleted] ยท 3838 points ยท Posted at 01:17:23 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)*
[deleted]
swaginite ยท 1015 points ยท Posted at 02:28:43 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Which is funny because it was more of a light slap or rough pat on the back than a real hit.
[deleted] ยท 317 points ยท Posted at 02:35:11 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
[deleted]
JapaneseKid ยท 9 points ยท Posted at 05:49:28 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
HOW CAN SHE SLAP?!
GuruBushHippie ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 11:10:12 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Took it last night.
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 14:23:16 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Bad lay if she's not down with a good slap or two on the booty
caretotry_theseagain ยท -2 points ยท Posted at 06:18:54 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Triggered
cointelpro_shill ยท 7 points ยท Posted at 04:46:54 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
It was more getting fresh than talking shit...
MasterTacticianAlba ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 05:39:55 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
It seemed more like a verbal retort to me.
darkenraja ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 07:27:17 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
More like a graze.
swaginite ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:44:11 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
An unpleasant tickling.
Prof_Doom ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 07:33:55 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Maybe she's also a pro football player?
bdexterx ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 08:50:38 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Talk crap, get slap.
Clearly_a_fake_name ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 11:55:10 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Don't talk crap if you can't take the slap
poisonedwater69 ยท 58 points ยท Posted at 02:45:58 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Chat shit get banged?
Larph ยท 38 points ยท Posted at 03:32:07 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Bringing the Vardy Party to /r/AskReddit
fijozico ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 14:02:27 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I'll get the vodka and my charlie
okieboat ยท -9 points ยท Posted at 05:28:29 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
FTFY
fuck-dat-shit-up ยท 9 points ยท Posted at 03:58:21 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
What if she was trying to be flirty?
IdrissaKing ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 21:12:21 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I think "chat shit, get banged" is the British version.
arctic92 ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 03:14:07 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
TALK SHIT, POST FIT
kiddo51 ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 03:28:18 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Talk shit, crossfit.
caustic_kiwi ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 05:17:27 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Or, you know, made up story.
Banaan75 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 10:38:03 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Chat shit, get banged
RestInPorzingis ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 12:49:53 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Chat shit get banged
shadowthunder ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 14:08:16 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Chat shit, get banged.
SantaIsRealEh ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 18:15:46 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Chat shit, get banged.
cantercanuck ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 06:03:12 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
"Chat shit, get banged" - Sir James Vardy Duke of WKD
LordPadre ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 06:33:01 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
"Chat shit, get banged." - Abraham Lincoln
moloizer ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 04:51:11 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Chat shit, get banged.
mr_strong_opinions ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 05:09:23 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
chat shit get banged
noksky ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 05:26:16 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Chat shit, get banged.
[deleted] ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 07:25:18 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
chat shit get banged
jshepardo ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 07:38:56 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Chat shit, get banged.
papercutkid ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 07:42:33 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I think you mean "Chat shit, get banged."
winkw ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 07:52:22 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Chat shit, get banged.
marr ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 07:47:53 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Don't think she was talking shit. That was supposed to be bantz.
cholula_is_good ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 08:12:52 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Ah yes, the Tony Stewart motto
Ilikebigmacs ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 09:27:24 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
It's true, I was waiting to board a plane and the guy a couple people ahead of me was arguing with the flight attendant about how he usually gets his carry-on checked for free.
Honestly I was too impressed to say anything, I just grinned and shook my head. If he hadn't been an asshole in the first place I would've told him that the airline had been asking people to check their carry-ons to save space (gratis)
cogenix ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 12:32:05 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Chat shit get rekt
197708156EQUJ5 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 14:31:06 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Is that you, JFK?
AcrobaticEmu ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 16:24:53 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
It's pronounced, "Chat shit get banged"
Get it right.
featheredfelon ยท 16 points ยท Posted at 04:26:19 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Cashiers are often ordered to make smalltalk by their superiors and they hate it probably more than customers. It's exhausting and weirdly dehumanizing to be forced to attempt to relate to every person that comes through your checkout line. Sometimes you say something stupid and most people are kind enough to let it pass.
goawaysab ยท 7 points ยท Posted at 04:30:21 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Maybe she was trying to joke/be friendly but did it in a totally wrong way.
[deleted] ยท 53 points ยท Posted at 02:17:09 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)*
[removed]
jstiller30 ยท 33 points ยท Posted at 03:37:28 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I've seen lots of fairly mild comments from customers push cashier coworkers over the edge, including myself. You deal with enough asshole customers all it takes is a comment where somebody hits you personally and points character flaw you may or may not be aware of and it can really hit you hard.
Sometimes when i'm having an annoying day (lots of annoying overly entitled customers) it only takes a single comments that impies I need to gain weight (a problem i've been struggling with for a while), or that I am wasting my life because my job isn't better.
These are both things that have pushed me to the edge of crying. Never a full breakdown though, but I have had coworkers break down crying. one was simply for getting angry when a coworker didn't double back an item and the bottom fell out, the customer said under his breath "what a dumbass" And she broke down. It was unexpected, she was flustered, probably already having a bad day, and who knows what else.
Another time one of my coworkers jokingly said "lunch time?" to a guy buying a a few donuts/energy drink and he chimed back with something like "maybe if i were as fat as you" She broke down in tears.
customers go off on checkers for various reasons fairly frequently, and normally directed insults aren't going to make somebody lose it. Its the ones that people say that sound sincere when they're frustrated or think they're giving you advice.
Herbstein ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 16:38:40 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
A customer can be an asshole for many reasons, one of the main ones being them having a bad day. The problem for us cashiers is that we meet so many people during a day. This coupled with us having a bad day ourselves can set off a big range of emotions, to what might be a pretty mundane situation without context.
Whythankz ยท 69 points ยท Posted at 02:53:19 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
For real. I mean, what the fuck is a New York's resolution?
FantasyDuellist ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 06:16:26 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
/r/nothingeverhappens
Consanguineously ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 10:17:11 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
/r/nothingeverhappens
parko4 ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 03:54:39 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
She's probably the female version of that normal-weighted kid in your grade 11 class that wasn't quite a complete weirdo, but was a bit quirky and very awkward. Probably tried to make a joke with "oh haha those are your resolution"(OP isn't that fat), OP snapped.
Anonymischief ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 03:55:04 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Cause she just got dunked on.
vibrant_crab ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 03:18:56 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Some people are just that sensitive.
Lochen9 ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 04:59:53 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
She remembered swans can be gay.
hapaxx_legomenon ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 06:44:51 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Probably meant it as a corny cashier joke and he reacted with aggression so she was crying out of embarrassment or fear or both.
Luvs_to_splooge_ ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 05:22:22 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
They were tears of happiness because Albert Einstein came up ad gave her a $100% note.
AssaultedCracker ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 07:13:25 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Because she was trying to be friendly.
gergy008 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 07:47:45 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I can imagine she didn't mean to say it in the manner she did, as if it just awkwardly slipped out. The reaction would make sense.
Saoirse-on-Thames ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 08:03:38 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I genuinely assumed she was crying of laughter, so let's add that to the list of options.
blindwuzi ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 04:50:43 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Cause he was the guy standing in line and this is his "I wish I said this" comment.
SpookyLlama ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 10:10:06 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
The guy that replaced her...
Albert Einstein
TheGourmet9 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 11:35:03 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
To make his story more interesting
jclives ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 13:26:44 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
She's a woman. It's either this, or screaming. It's all they do.
JackAceHole ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 14:49:20 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
bcuz guy ment 2 sey "i luv u 5evr" (dat meen he luv her moar den 4evr)
lik dis if u cri evrtim
flamedarkfire ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:08:56 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I bet she had resolved to be more outgoing. So she was going to start doing so at her job. She was going to make small chat, make her customers' days better, and then this fucking asshole walks up and destroys her self esteem.
Big_Test_Icicle ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 04:29:31 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Play stupid games, win stupid prizes.
Gizmo-Duck ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 10:09:46 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
she was raised by donuts.
spectralrays ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 02:16:25 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I don't know, but I would have found a way to make her feel worse.
[deleted] ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 04:54:01 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
She must have been from Iowa or some other flyover.
Couldntbefappier ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 05:14:12 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Because r/thathappened
Cedsi ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 05:27:31 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Because everyone in line behind him was busy clapping.
cfuse ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 08:01:36 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Because society never expects women to grow up and act like adults?
wolfiasty ยท -1 points ยท Posted at 05:15:52 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Snowflake.
diego_tomato ยท -1 points ยท Posted at 05:46:09 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
women
AvatarWaang ยท -1 points ยท Posted at 05:58:05 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Because that guy? Albert Einstein. The whole store was clapping for him, too.
TPK_MastaTOHO ยท -2 points ยท Posted at 04:27:49 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Well, probably because not everything people post online is true.
ProfessorMetallica ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 04:55:23 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
/r/nothingeverhappens
[deleted] ยท 47 points ยท Posted at 01:43:22 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Why would buying donuts be anyone's new year resolution?
opheodrysaestivus ยท 27 points ยท Posted at 02:02:09 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Right??? What the hell is the significance of this story?
HadesWTF ยท 13 points ยท Posted at 06:52:31 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Why would him minding his own fucking business bother her? The whole story is just weird.
mmo115 ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 07:02:21 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
that's because it was made up for karma
[deleted] ยท 12 points ยท Posted at 03:05:56 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
[deleted]
[deleted] ยท 15 points ยท Posted at 03:08:53 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
So a more logical way to comment on his purchase would have been "no new year resolutions for you, eh?" or something similar.
brycedriesenga ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 06:52:43 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
It really depends how she said it. If it was a lighthearted joke, I kind of feel bad about his response to her. But if she said it in a snotty/sarcastic way, then I'm good.
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 06:34:47 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Like a one for the road thing is what I thought
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 06:44:26 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
So ... "starting your resolution tomorrow" is the joke you go for.
[deleted] ยท 10 points ยท Posted at 03:26:54 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
This is why as a cashier I ask how they're doing and ignore them for the rest of the transaction until I say have a good day.
You don't know who's a joker and who's having a shitty day.
neocommenter ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:48:36 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Same thing when you spend all day on the phone with
customersclients. You choose your words carefully, and try not to say anything that could be misconstrued. There was an entire day devoted to this in training.shmoozey ยท 22 points ยท Posted at 06:14:46 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
thats not a savage comeback... thats just an asshole on display
pleasegetoffmycase ยท 10 points ยท Posted at 07:18:59 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
r/thathappened
UnavailableUsername_ ยท 18 points ยท Posted at 04:46:30 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Um...i don't get this one.
Isn't that basically telling her to "fuck off"?
What makes it a special comeback?
LlamaTheBountyHunter ยท 7 points ยท Posted at 05:00:03 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Yeah, it's not clever but it's definitely a good response. It's just aggresive enough and you get it straight away. Sounds kinda Tarantinesque (if thats even a word)
Wickywire ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 07:27:59 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Tarantinoan?
Marbles401 ยท 9 points ยท Posted at 03:42:13 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Best one I heard was a friend rearended a car after getting brake checked. The driver that caused the accident gets out and yells "your dad is going to be mad you wrecked his car!" (He drove a bmw) my friend responded with "How's your little sister going to feel about her car?" (He was driving an eclipse).
Rabid_Chocobo ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 03:59:42 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Sounds like someone's got s case of the mondays
bengy5959 ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 04:53:22 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
My friend was at target buying Legos and the lady behind the register said, "aren't you a little old to be playing with Legos?" and he said "aren't you a little old to be working at target?"
YoungSandwich23 ยท 10 points ยท Posted at 01:38:39 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
That man's name...
bLshooter1 ยท 15 points ยท Posted at 01:48:02 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Albert Einstein
KatyPerrysBoobs2 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 05:14:20 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
His resolution was to eat more donuts?
Houseof1000Farts ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 05:15:22 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I don't get it
Smegmania ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 02:00:52 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
And everyone else in the store gave him a standing ovation...?
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:09:46 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Pwnt
lousy_bum ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 06:39:18 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Similar one. At a buddy's wedding, and an ex-girlfriend comes up to me as I'm having a smoke.
"I see you're still smoking," she said.
"I see you're still not minding your own business," I replied.
Batmaster1337 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 07:17:16 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Sounds like something out of Curb
MrGhris ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 07:55:40 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Huh, I don't really do newyears resolutions. But if I did, it might be donuts.
nineball22 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 07:58:00 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
That's great. The people who go shopping the day after major holidays by themselves and get a box of donuts/bottle of wine/rotisserie chicken are usually at the point where they give no fucks. I know that was me for like 3 years.
kijib ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 07:59:41 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
then the manager came and gave him $100
Spongebro ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 08:02:29 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Then everyone started cheering
RugerDragon ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 08:12:16 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
One of our friends was buying a bouquet of flowers for his girlfriend and the nosy cashier just had to joke "Uh oh, someone's in trouble!"
Completely stone faced, he says "Yeah, my friend can't seem to get out of his coffin."
Bitch went 100 to 0 right quick.
Drunk_Pilgrim ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 11:09:27 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I guess you would have to be there but that guy sounds like a dick. Her comment sounds like donuts are a new year's resolution as in to eat them. She was having some friendly banter.
NowWithVitaminR ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 13:20:27 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
A very common New Year's Resolution is to lose weight, and she was poking fun at the guy for apparently not trying to lose weight.
welcomebackalice ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 13:05:10 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
damn that's cold
Disproves ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:26:28 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
That's needlessly rude.
C12901 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:08:36 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
That's enough to get someone to cry? If they're saying something rude I imagine they might think someone might snap back. His response wasn't even personal.
DefendingInSuspense ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:18:14 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
If you cry over something like that, retail is not for you.
GrammarBeImportant ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 06:10:31 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
/r/thathappened
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 06:39:52 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Sounds like a story where everyone started applauding and gave you $100%
PartTimeScarecrow ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 03:56:02 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I'm crying but more from laughter than sadness
Indoorsman ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 05:17:32 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
The mind your own business comebacks are my favorite.
Green-Brown-N-Tan ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 05:25:46 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
That's incredible.
xRoisinDubh ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 05:26:28 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Boom roasted.
DrunkHonesty ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 05:42:02 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Call me stupid. But what would have been his resolution? Not buying donuts? How does that make sense? He's so weak that New Years day he caved? Is that a thing? Or was his NYs resolution to buy donuts? I'm lost, confused, or it just doesn't make sense.
NowWithVitaminR ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 13:22:08 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Or maybe he was just buying donuts on New Year and he never had a resolution in the first place?
Denial-And-Error ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 05:45:48 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
/r/thathappened
TheBlindside23 ยท 808 points ยท Posted at 01:00:37 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)*
I was actually on the receiving end of the harshest one I've heard in recent times.
It's Valentines Day, and my SO and I decided to hit the town after our meal, and we know a groovy cocktail place down the road so we head there. Now this place has all the bells and whistles, spinning and throwing their shakers about and generally being impressive. I on the other hand was just an 18 year old who wanted to treat his bird. So I stroll up to the bar, massive balls impairing my gait, and decide to be a sarcastic arse to my girlfriend while ordering for us: "Alright mate, I'll have the 'Mo Stache, Mo Problems' and she'll have her favourite... A Screaming Orgasm". Now the bloke has a little smile and I get to chuckle to myself because I'm a teenager and got to say a slightly sexual thing. BUT NO. Up she pipes, and she asks me loud enough for the barman to hear:
"But Babe, how would you know if I like orgasms or not?"
neutronfish ยท 73 points ยท Posted at 02:52:27 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
That burn visualized: http://i.imgur.com/1yrlUew.gif
ZivBK1 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 13:36:11 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Source?
itachifan035 ยท 13 points ยท Posted at 15:00:27 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
/u/TheBlindside23's girlfriend.
WSPA ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 21:31:33 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
seriously what's this from?
Temporal_Sock_Pair ยท 17 points ยท Posted at 06:49:40 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Absolutely deserved that
vectivus_6 ยท 28 points ยท Posted at 05:28:50 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Lol.
If you have a sense of humour, marry that woman! But learn about giving her orgasms first...
Tired_of_cell_lurker ยท 33 points ยท Posted at 04:50:17 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Marry her
standardegenerate ยท 8 points ยท Posted at 06:32:31 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I really like your wording, have you considered writing books?
Vlad_Z ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 07:44:27 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I would cancel my entire press tour in France if that happened to me.
ljb23 ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 08:07:10 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Fuck that is savage. Marry her.
[deleted] ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 19:19:57 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
"Babe, you need to stop asking strangers to give me screaming orgasms"
lizimajig ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 15:19:36 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
You kind of deserved that one. XD
Kalipygia ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 15:57:58 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Who told you?
AviatorMage ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 09:56:02 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Ouch.
[deleted] ยท -2 points ยท Posted at 11:41:43 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
[deleted]
RangeRedneck ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 13:38:29 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
She insinuated that he had never given that an orgasm.
thatonegirl127 ยท 310 points ยท Posted at 01:18:19 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
My mom is a raging narcissistic bitch. During one particularly nasty fight, she told me she had the wrong abortion. I told her the wrong person died that day.
VogonTorpedo ยท 29 points ยท Posted at 12:43:23 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I get so sad reading posts like this. My mom was the most caring person I've ever known. Posts like these make me realize how lucky I was to have her. And so sad that so many don't get to have anything even close to that. I'm sorry you were treated this way.
Exaltus-Lux ยท 14 points ยท Posted at 08:36:40 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
My jaw dropped on this one.
Thatretroaussie ยท 7 points ยท Posted at 03:41:19 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
What happened after the fight?
[deleted] ยท 71 points ยท Posted at 06:59:12 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Well I'm assuming the smoke detectors went off because that bitch got burned
thatonegirl127 ยท 21 points ยท Posted at 12:36:04 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
We didn't talk for over a year. That was a few years ago but we're going on another year of NC. I felt bad for my mom because she didn't have anybody. I realized it was her attitude and horrible outlook on life that turned everyone away. I can say that I am much happier without her in my life.
kiwikoopa ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 12:03:52 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Took me a second to realize that you meant that your mom should have died and not that you wished you would have died.
BrexitMyPants ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 10:23:28 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Fucking amazing :D
avidist ยท 10 points ยท Posted at 08:33:54 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)*
WRONG KID DIED!
Edit: This was a reference to the movie Walk Hard: The Dewey Cox Story.
ShaneValShane ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 17:18:36 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Awww, the downvoters don't get the reference.
BigRedMachine08 ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 20:27:56 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I gotchu
dadishere ยท 68 points ยท Posted at 03:35:18 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Exchange between my teacher and classmate in high school during and argument:
Girl: "Yeah, well my mom makes sure to tell me I'm smart." Teacher: "I bet she says you're pretty, too."
Class was over after that.
ishityounaught ยท 4510 points ยท Posted at 19:16:54 on September 16, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
"You look like you're going to spend your life having one epiphany after another, always thinking you've finally figured out what's holding you back, and how you can finally be productive and creative and turn your life around.
But nothing will ever change. That cycle of mediocrity isn't due to some obstacle. It's who you are.
The thing standing in the way of your dreams is that the person having them is you."
-xkcd
Masterofice5 ยท 1841 points ยท Posted at 22:24:24 on September 16, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
"I think I need to go home and think about my life."
"It won't help."
Solarbro ยท 205 points ยท Posted at 23:59:59 on September 16, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Whelp... Good thing it's Friday! Alcohol! Lol
Bryaxis ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 05:51:33 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Many whelps! Handle it!
Judge_Of_Things ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 06:30:51 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I'm so glad somebody else had this pop in their head.
RobVegan ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 11:05:05 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
...And now it's Saturday, more alcohol !
neelotpal97 ยท 8 points ยท Posted at 00:57:54 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
:(
bless_ure_harte ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 00:28:35 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Straight up savage fam. ๐๐๐ฅ๐ฅ๐ฅ
Merrittocracy ยท 228 points ยท Posted at 01:34:56 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
http://xkcd.com/1027/
GoodGuyLiar ยท 8 points ยท Posted at 06:05:32 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
๐ฅ
TheDoctorLives ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 06:21:55 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Thank you
BlueDragonGirl_ ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 06:56:53 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Thank you for linking it.
PurpleTechPants ยท 57 points ยท Posted at 01:04:17 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
That shit is so savage it hits innocent bystanders.
TriscuitCracker ยท 336 points ยท Posted at 22:53:52 on September 16, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Todd to Bojack: "It's you."
Lyun ยท 68 points ยท Posted at 03:17:41 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Exactly what came to mind.
Fuck man, what else is there to say?
Oligomer ยท 27 points ยท Posted at 05:17:40 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
That line hit me pretty hard
Lyun ยท 21 points ยท Posted at 05:19:19 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Show drops an F-bomb once per season; they've all been pretty devastating moments.
IonicPaul ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 07:05:12 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I fucked Ted.
DiggleGick ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 16:06:41 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
They've all came when someone (Herb, Todd, or the deer whose name I can't remember) cut BoJack out of their lives
Lyun ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:19:33 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Charlotte.
Lumpiest_Princess ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 10:48:39 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I'm not ashamed to admit I've had a few wake-up call moments watching this show.
TomSawyer2112_ ยท 19 points ยท Posted at 04:23:43 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
That's too much, man
[deleted] ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 22:35:52 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Don't you dare
TomSawyer2112_ ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 22:41:24 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I wanna be an architect
LordFends ยท 16 points ยท Posted at 04:09:07 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
This one is much better
TheresThatSmellAgain ยท 8 points ยท Posted at 05:07:30 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Best show not on television.
HomoRapien ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 10:08:16 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
This scene made me so happy. It was great to hear Todd lay some truth on Bojack.
downhillcarver ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 14:36:56 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
That show gets way too real... I love it.
Not__Chris__Brown ยท 58 points ยท Posted at 21:06:19 on September 16, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
:(
setfire3 ยท 388 points ยท Posted at 22:01:02 on September 16, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
this is not even a comeback, the person didn't even say anything. this is simply just pure savagery.
elmoteca ยท 692 points ยท Posted at 22:53:30 on September 16, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
In the original xkcd, the woman that delivers that monologue is responding to a pickup artist who's trying to undermine her self esteem by "negging." She decides she'll neg him right back, and this is the result. So it's kind of a comeback.
sstair ยท 29 points ยท Posted at 05:09:47 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
https://xkcd.com/1027/
autoposting_system ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 19:59:27 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
It is exactly a comeback. In every way
setfire3 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:06:56 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
anyone got links to the original comic?
Prenomen ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 05:33:51 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Here you go!
FadeCrimson ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 13:22:20 on September 18, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I'd say this is "kind of" a comeback in the same way that murder is "kind of" harmful.
A pure brutal slaughter.
Aperfectmoment ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 01:06:45 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Dont Neg, Let Advertisements and what mtv has become do that for you.
But then again if she watches that shit she probably Aint much of a catch.
[deleted] ยท 60 points ยท Posted at 22:53:43 on September 16, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
it's from an xkcd comic about negging. the speaker is saying this as a comeback to a guy trying to neg her
Five15Factor2 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 01:23:53 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
What is negging?
FellKnight ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 02:27:56 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Negging
[deleted] ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 22:47:36 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
when you give someone a "compliment" that's really an insult in disguise, to undermine their confidence and make them feel like they need your approval. stuff like the guy with hair in this xkcd comic (which was being referenced to begin with)
iamthegraham ยท -1 points ยท Posted at 03:59:04 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Foreplay that leads to pegging.
groundhogcakeday ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 05:52:36 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
You know, guys not uncommonly think this - they get slapped down after acting like total dicks, yet they sincerely believe they did nothing to provoke it. Completely convinced of their own innocence. The obliviousness can at times be impressive.
runetrantor ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:55:01 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
It was though, he was negging, so she did a comeback, and was enjoying it, going on to say something like 'Now's your turn. Try insulting my hair!'
open4fun ยท 19 points ยท Posted at 02:28:10 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Fucccccccck that hit close to home. :(
i-zimbra ยท 10 points ยท Posted at 03:20:31 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Yeah. Doesn't feel like someone's clever comeback when it's the way you feel about yourself.
Have a hug, internet friend.
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 04:24:02 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I..uh; I want to get it on this.
Dyvius ยท 9 points ยท Posted at 02:32:00 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
This hits way too close too home for me...holy shit.
turnscoffeeintocode ยท 32 points ยท Posted at 00:27:34 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Holy shit. This is so brutal just reading it made me question my whole life and get off my ass to improve it. So... thanks?
mikejacobs14 ยท 14 points ยท Posted at 01:05:16 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
7.43 metres? Nice job man, got to start somewhere!
overactor ยท 9 points ยท Posted at 05:36:19 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
It won't help.
[deleted] ยท -3 points ยท Posted at 06:30:41 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
SAVAGE ๐๐๐ญ๐๐พ๐๐พ๐๐พ๐๐พ๐ฟ๐ฟ๐๐๐๐๐๐๐พ๐๐พ๐๐ช๐ฉ๐๐พ
ArabRedditor ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 07:14:29 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Great job mate
zelmerszoetrop ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 06:12:30 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
It won't help.
AndyZin ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 08:56:52 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Good luck fam. We all gon make it.
SilentMango ยท 8 points ยท Posted at 01:34:10 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Man that is some collateral damage
1jl ยท 9 points ยท Posted at 03:05:36 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Still the quote that eats me up the most since I first read it. It's like a demon looked into my soul and shat out exactly what he saw right into my face. Steaming pile of self-defeating truth, running down my chin.
Tantes ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 04:36:52 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
The trick is to stop thinking that there's some master key, some secret to life and success that you work out in a blinding moment of self-illumination. If you treat every learning experience as though it's the final one, then you're never ready for the next one. All those "epiphanies" you have are just you learning stuff. That never changes and that's okay. The real epiphany is the accumulation of all of those, a lifetime of experience that builds up gradually. You find happiness when you stop looking for it and learn to be okay with the things about yourself that you can't change, working gradually on what you can and understanding that failure is a normal part of that process. It's okay to treat every day in front of you as a learning experience, an opportunity to grow and change, instead of attaching your self esteem to achieving an unrealistic level of perfection.
"Happiness is a journey, not a destination."
1jl ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 13:12:52 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
This is essentially where I'm at now. I think it's called "maturity" although I've been wrong about the definition for that word before. Learning to learn where you are at now in life.
Jaggedrain ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 04:28:28 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Do you write? You should write.
i-zimbra ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:21:34 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
It's pretty much the stuff I tell myself all the time. No need to hear someone else say it as a comeback.
Have a hug, internet friend.
1jl ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 03:44:42 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)*
I personally know several shit-heads, fuck-ups, and losers who have completely turned their lives around to the point where you wouldn't even recognize them today if you had known them before. The funny thing is they all knew eachother or knew someone who knew them and I don't think that's a coincidence. The biggest thing holding anybody back from achieving something is a learned sense of helplessness. Keep trucking, and try not to listen to yourself when you think you can't do it.
i-zimbra ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 03:46:29 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Thank you, friend.
Atigerwithlaserbeams ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 23:59:51 on September 16, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Of all the people to try negging on, it's really unfortunate for him that he picked her.
runetrantor ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:56:37 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I do wonder if it would be better or worse to try negging Black hat himself.
But given his style of madness, he would simply leave a live shark in your bathtub.
SpookiestBus ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 06:25:01 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
The shark would have a note with something like that pinned to it though.
toastedfingies ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 02:51:23 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Fuck, I'm gonna go sit in the shower and think about my life now.
Then probably reach an epiphany after smoking a joint.
Then do nothing with my life...
Tantes ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 04:41:50 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
This isn't a popular opinion here, but if you quit smoking weed it really does help significantly. Speaking strictly from personal experience
zaander ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 06:15:12 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I'd have to agree. Once you find something you care about go full force, 100 fucking percent, balls to the wall with it. Smoking weed never let me have that sense of caring.
boomdidiboomboom ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 22:18:08 on September 16, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
My God, that's motivating. Just gonna go do some stuff...
Robotron2085 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 01:17:51 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Every now and then I remember this and I get depressed
Tchrspest ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 03:16:51 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
God, it feels so good.
mikejacobs14 ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 01:04:22 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I...
BriaCass ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:42:02 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Oh shit.
iama_canadian_ehma ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:48:36 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Well, time to go work out and do my programming homework.
Titanofthedinosaurs ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:24:31 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Well, I'm going to think about a few things now...
awepicness ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:36:14 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Oh man I've read this before a while back, but dang... This sounds like me...
fuck-dat-shit-up ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 04:03:40 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
:(
Backupusername ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 04:15:48 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Jesus Christ, too real.
And if someone gets to the point where they believe that, what the fuck do you do, then? Most of the time, admitting a problem is the first step to solving it. But if the problem with your life is that you're living it... seems like there's one solution on the table, and it's probably starting to look more inviting than you're comfortable with.
GodOfAtheism ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 04:23:58 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Although other sources played a part, the only person you truly have to blame for your failings is yourself. If you had only given more effort, tried harder, been a better person (less cowardly, less cynical, less afraid), you undoubtedly would have found the kind of success that would cause people to remember your name when you died. As it stands, now, however, you're beginning to realize that you are already - even at this tender young age - slipping into an overwhelmingly comfortable mediocrity, breathing an ether of small distractions until you die, screaming for a second chance, completely alone. And the universe rumbles on without you, the magnitude of its indifference impossible to calculate. You see, the problem is not that everyone has noticed how often and how spectacularly you failed. The problem is that no one has.
Southside_Burd ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 04:25:20 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
That one fucking hurt.
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 04:47:26 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Aka 99% of redditors.
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 04:51:46 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Wow - savage. I need to change my life and stop avoiding it.
CharmExclusive ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 04:51:56 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
That hurt man.
hopswage ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 04:53:02 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Jesus H. Christ that hurts to read.
That just stabs me in every single one of my insecurities. Which is probably the joke Randall was going for there.
But still, that's just fucking harsh, even if it was an insult to sleazy pickup artists.
Mr-Blah ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 04:55:59 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Fuck me.
I'm too drunk and it's too late to have read this...
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 04:58:17 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Yeah I'm buying the gun thanks
Muffikins ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:16:24 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Ahhh my inner voice
hiddencountry ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:16:28 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I just had an epiphany...
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:18:41 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
This is the definition of redditor.
GooseTheBoose ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:23:00 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
fuck me. thats close to home.
Howtotrainyourdonkey ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:23:48 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
This is the most brutal. It hurts. Not me...obviously. Obviously. :'(
SlendyD ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:25:19 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Jesus Christ that is the harshest summation of who I am.
cleeder ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:28:41 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Oh my God.
BredforChaos ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:29:07 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
That's just... Like... Me IRL... Damn dude.
xRoisinDubh ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:29:33 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Boom roasted.
AlmightyRuler ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:30:06 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
"He's chewing gum!"
"It helps me think."
"Oh honey, you're wasting your gum."
<later in the scene>
"I don't get it."
<from the back> "TRY MORE GUM!"
boose22 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:34:05 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Damn, this one will crush a lot of decent peoples souls.
overactor ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:37:28 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
/r/2meirl4meirl
ijustwantanfingname ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:41:28 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
fuck
tne2008 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:50:39 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
This thread just got a lot less fun for me.
Arklelinuke ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:57:05 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Shockingly accurate for me.
Sickshotztoo ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 06:04:26 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
What's this from? It's not from that comic thingy. It's definitely from some movie or tv show. Ugh this is gonna annoy me
SlcCorrado ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 06:16:07 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Damn... That's rough.
LameLogan ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 06:27:18 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I need an adult.
thirstyfish209 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 07:20:26 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I always hate when I think of this comic because it makes me wanna kill myself
pondini ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 07:54:10 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Dream smaller!
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 09:16:27 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Yeah so this is my biggest fear...
RQK1996 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 09:23:06 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I believe that was the most recent comic featuring Danish, I miss her
irvin_e1986 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 10:54:59 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Damn
deftonechromosome ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 11:03:23 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
That's the most brutal thing I have read here. Partly because it occurs to me that this refers to me :/
TwoShadez ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 12:01:09 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Too real.
holythunderz ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 12:26:15 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Holy shit.
PAxlFitz ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:13:47 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
This hits so close to home that my dog just got scared
FadeCrimson ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 13:20:41 on September 18, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Damn, that would ruin me. I just spent today stressing and ranting about my problems to my buddies, and after a few hours of philosophical fuming, I felt I've had a few good epiphanies on what I've been bottling up. This is something that happens fairly often with me.
Realistically it's good. It's me realizing the things I didn't quite notice on the conscious level that dug at me deeper. I realize it, change things, and hope things improve for a bit before the next round.
If somebody said these words to me though, I'd take it to heart. Fuck.
absolutelynot0 ยท 282 points ยท Posted at 23:55:09 on September 16, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
when i was younger i told my dad that a rather hefty girl called me "four eyes".. he gave me this one for the next time it happened.. which it did, in front of all the older kids in the neighborhood.. "i can take the glasses off, can you take the weight off".. everyone busted out laughing.
lvnshm ยท 14 points ยท Posted at 05:35:06 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
That's a dumb fat girl. Four eyes is hardly an insult.
Xattle ยท 10 points ยท Posted at 07:40:22 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I've been wearing glasses since elementary but in middle school there was this jerk on the bus who had gotten glasses like a week prior. I don't even remember why it happened but he was calling me four eyes so I calmly said at least I remember that I have glasses. Didn't say another word to me after that until he and a pal tried to pin me at the park.
Clair_Voyant ยท 7 points ยท Posted at 06:33:50 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
"Where did you get that insult, the same discount Burger King your mother buys your meals?"
T_at ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 08:25:28 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Where did you get that insult? In a two-for-one deal at the dollar store?
Uhura_Sits_Backwards ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 20:17:48 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I actually found it on the floor of a closed Sears store.
Clair_Voyant ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:18:49 on September 18, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Nah, that was my father's version of what OP's dad said.
spawndon ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 08:07:07 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
see? most dads are very cool guys to hang out with.
Odowla ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:07:14 on September 18, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
/r/dadburns
Clair_Voyant ยท -2 points ยท Posted at 06:33:52 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
"Where did you get that insult, the same discount Burger King your mother buys your meals?"
T_at ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 08:25:20 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Where did you get that insult? In a two-for-one deal at the dollar store?
Kain222 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 13:16:51 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Where d-did you get those pants, the... Toilet... Store?
TheSavior666 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 14:27:39 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Fuckin' rekt
AmAShill ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:01:23 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Dude.. at least use a different comeback.
FlipZer0 ยท 557 points ยท Posted at 00:39:19 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Attractive female friends use to love scamming drinks at the bar. I dont approve of such underhandedness, but I (male) usually didn't complain, as I got free drinks our of the deal too.
One evening on a particularly slow evening an average looking but nice enough guy comes over and offers to buy her a drink. She accepts and chats with him for the 30 seconds it took to make the drink. As soon as the bartender put the drink in front of her, she turns her back to him, mid-sentance, and completely ignores him while talking to another friend. Guy calmly collects his drink and walks over to face her. In a calm even tone he says "Look, I know I'm not the best looking guy here, but I'm the only one willing to talk to you" downs the last of his drink, picks up his fresh one and saunters off to the other end of the bar. The bartender and I were laughing so hard we had to go outside for a smoke.
zaftpunk ยท 40 points ยท Posted at 07:31:36 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
This reminded me of a story. I have this really attractive friend and I would go out with her and she would wingman for me. Anyway we get to the bar and asks me what I want to drink. I tell her and she goes off and sits at the bar. A couple mins later a guys comes up and asks if he can buy her a drink. She says yes and tells him what I wanted. She gets the drink the comes back over to me and gives it to me. I'll never forget the look on that dudes face. I felt horrible and did not know that's what she was doing. Thankfully the guy just kind left rightfully upset and didn't start anything. I didn't hang out with her much after that and haven't talked to her in years now.
smoofles ยท 9 points ยท Posted at 14:45:24 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I always feel sort of bad for those kinds of people, because Iโve seen how formerly pretty people can have a really hard time coping once age catches up with their shenanigansโฆ but then, they deserve it.
chuntiyomoma ยท 8 points ยท Posted at 18:35:55 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Every beautiful woman dies twice...
smoofles ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 18:42:25 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Yeah, thatโs probably the best way to describe it (or the best Iโve heard so far).
CloudBoy416 ยท 10 points ยท Posted at 06:21:48 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Oh my god, this one is brutal. XD
picnicatthedisco ยท 26 points ยท Posted at 06:49:42 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
If you don't 'approve', don't accept any drinks. That's just being a hypocrite.
smoofles ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 14:46:14 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Well, one does feel better about not doing anything when one says one doesnโt approve, though.
harveyf-king_bullock ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 10:16:33 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)*
did he take the drink he bought for her ? that would've be even more savage
Gonzobot ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 11:06:12 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
No, he took the drink he paid for, and the other drink he paid for too. Her assumption was that he would simply pay for her booze because tits. That's a very stupid thing to do.
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:24:05 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
i think the second drink was for her and he took it
Gonzobot ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:33:05 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
She thought the second drink would be for her, too, and it was - until she revealed that she was only interested in having somebody else pay for her intoxicants.
[deleted] ยท 15 points ยท Posted at 07:25:15 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Girls fleecing drinks off guys really grind my gears. So the first time it happened to me I was at a bar with a group of mates including my gf, I was at the bar, gf maybe 2 metres max behind me yakking to my mates. This very very good looking American chick comes up and asked if I could buy her a drink. Doubt it. To get rid of her I said "Sorry I don't buy drinks for ugly girls" she looked crushed then just latched onto me and forgot all about me getting her a drink.
I'm still waiting in line to buy a drink for me and the missus, with babing American girl still on my arm when an equally good looking girl came and asked if I could buy her a drink. I told her "Piss off, you're even uglier than her" pointing at the American hottie. Then she latched onto me. Not exactly the intended consequence since I've got a missus. But anyway I ordered my drinks and walked back to the missus with the girls in tow, gave her a drink then a pash and waved goodbye to the babes. To add to this, I'm not hugely good looking, average height and slightly over weight. Missus is a babe though.
babydolldyke ยท 43 points ยท Posted at 14:07:42 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
i was there, i was the bartender. soon he'd called so many girls ugly all the women in the bar were piled on top of him. they blocked the fire exit and i asked them to disperse but he called me ugly so i hooked onto his leg for dear life. everyone stood up and started clapping. then benedict cumberbatch signed his sherlock fanfiction.
xddm2653 ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 08:01:57 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Nice lol
Makiau1 ยท -21 points ยท Posted at 05:56:28 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Laughing so hard you HAD to smoke? Wow that sounds crazy!
FlipZer0 ยท 46 points ยท Posted at 06:18:21 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
had to go outside because she was so pissed at us for laughing
Carameldelighting ยท 4219 points ยท Posted at 20:31:18 on September 16, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
"You're both pieces of shit and I can prove it mathematically"
Gotta love Rick
CrossYourStars ยท 1508 points ยท Posted at 23:00:10 on September 16, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
You know what. Hang on. This has been a long time coming. (Pulls out whiteboard)
knirefnel ยท 1384 points ยท Posted at 02:55:06 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
The ending is the most brutal I think:
"So, in conclusion, you're both equally mercurial, overly sensitive, clingy, hysterical, bird-brained homunculi. And I honestly can't even tell the two of you apart half the time because I don't go by height or age, I go by amount of pain in my ass, which makes you both identical."
Derpywhaleshark7 ยท 241 points ยท Posted at 04:00:27 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I live how he is praying and everything, then turns it around and goes "Fuck you, God! I'm gonna live!" and fixes the collar
[deleted] ยท 30 points ยท Posted at 04:38:44 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
[deleted]
moal09 ยท 14 points ยท Posted at 05:56:26 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
FUCK YOU GOD
NOT TODAY BITCH
Gonzobot ยท 10 points ยท Posted at 10:54:38 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Well, God's about the only thing Rick isn't sure about yet. Worth praying to in case it works, but not worth acknowledging if he'd rather "work in mysterious ways" all the damn time.
Grandpa_Rick ยท 20 points ยท Posted at 04:23:11 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Sometimes I impress uuurrrrp, even myself.
figgypie ยท 43 points ยท Posted at 04:18:57 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Rick is such a lovable asshole.
PurelyApplied ยท 11 points ยท Posted at 05:37:15 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Alright, everything resolved? Everybody nice and certain about their position in my world?
WallyHestermann ยท 8 points ยท Posted at 04:39:45 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
And awaaaay we go!
BuildTheWalls ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 04:59:57 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
What is this? I probably need to watch it. Silicon Valley?
Carmiine ยท 39 points ยท Posted at 05:08:35 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Rick & Morty man.
Cocainefueled ยท 25 points ยท Posted at 05:27:37 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I honestly thought Rick and Morty was a cartoon in the same vein and Adventure Time or Steven Universe. I watched 10 minutes of an episode at someone's house (the one with physical manifestations of how the husband and wife really feel) and I was hooked. If I don't hear the new season has a start date before 2017, I will kill one puppy a day until they do announce the new season.
rawb0t ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 05:33:25 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
They say before the end of the year we'll get the next season!
Cocainefueled ยท 13 points ยท Posted at 05:40:15 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Good, because 365 puppies is waaaaaaay too many dead puppies.
manapan ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 06:03:20 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Come on man, you can do anything with enough cocaine. I have faith in you.
Cocainefueled ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 06:12:16 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
You have some? I don't feel like driving across town.
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 12:14:15 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
It's in the puppies, get chopping.
Joba_Fett ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 14:04:39 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Oh is THAT what Primus was singing about?
nacmar ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 07:27:24 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Got another ten minutes to spare? Here's a real court case read aloud as if it were Rick & Morty.
Dilong-paradoxus ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 07:58:51 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
looks like you forgot the link!
I got your back, bro.
nacmar ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 08:00:28 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Ah, no it auto-removed it because I forgot to use the format. Not a bro, but thanks in any case. :)
ssfctid ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 07:54:50 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Username checks out.
knirefnel ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 05:30:47 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Watch it, then post quotes from it on reddit threads for maximum karma
furtiveraccoon ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 08:47:22 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
HOMUNCULIS?
mfowler ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 21:13:48 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)*
Homunculis? Homunculis what? Is that sexual harassment?
Dorkykong2 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 20:31:43 on September 23, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Best part though is that both versions of him do it exactly simultaneously. He was absolutely sure that that was what he wanted to do, it wasn't just a spur of the moment.
Murrderer ยท 39 points ยท Posted at 03:45:22 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Another one I loved was when he's in the spaceship with Morty and Summer and compares Jerry to some celebrity, and after the two laugh on his joke he simply says "I just made that up, he's not even a real person. You really are your dad's kids." The delivery and expressions were amazing
dudeAwEsome101 ยท 11 points ยท Posted at 04:40:54 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
It is in the beginning of the first episode in season two. He says it in the house after Jerry goes upstairs.
Unless..... OMG! Are from an alternative reality where that scene is different? Did season 3 come out yet?
Murrderer ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 12:38:38 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)*
Oh man oh man... Are you telling me Mr Poopy Butthole didn't try marrying the girl from The Purge planet but it turned out that girl was a secret Intergalactic spy trying to arrest Morty?
SnuffleTheAddict ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 10:25:36 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Season 2 episode 1. Right after they unfreeze time and Jerry's shirt is backwards. Not in a spaceship.
Ragnrok ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 12:38:25 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I was so proud of myself when I didn't laugh and just thought "who?" before Rick tears the two of them a new one.
mitchell271 ยท 251 points ยท Posted at 23:42:53 on September 16, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
That one is great, but I'm partial to what he says to Butter Robot
metallicrooster ยท 33 points ยท Posted at 04:37:31 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
What is my purpose?
You laugh at memes
Oh my god
David367th ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 05:11:42 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I never really understood the joke in this scene.
Foxyfox- ยท 40 points ยท Posted at 05:21:43 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)*
It's a multi-level joke. First is that Rick is so lazy/misanthropic (thanks /u/joosier) to ask about someone passing butter that he built a robot to do it. Then it's that he built it to be so smart as to question its existence. Then it's that it's the only purpose for the robot--which adds another two jokes, that Rick put a huge amount of effort into the butter passing robot, enough to make it sentient and sapient, and then just had it pass butter and nothing greater; and that he plain doesn't give a shit either way. And finally, he dismisses its resultant existential angst out of hand.
joosier ยท 10 points ยท Posted at 06:08:22 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I think it was that Rick didn't want to talk to Jerry to even ask him to pass the butter so he made a robot to do it.
Joba_Fett ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 14:07:28 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I love how the robot has an existential meltdown through the episode. Next time you see him he has accepted that all he can do is pass butter but he's fucking pissed about it. The last time you see him he's just totally defeated, able to only meekly say "butter" to anything. It's fucking brutal and I love it.
David367th ยท -1 points ยท Posted at 05:30:48 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I figured that much, I guess I just never find it funny. Thanks for helping though!
Jms1078 ยท 10 points ยท Posted at 06:07:46 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Were you born without a sense of humor, or did life beat it out of you?
imperabo ยท 13 points ยท Posted at 07:16:04 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
The humor module didn't get installed until the 368th David.
David367th ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 13:48:24 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I laughed at this one lol
David367th ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 13:49:54 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
No, it's like the only joke in the whole show I didn't find funny. Other than that one joke the rest of the show was hilarious.
z3r0f14m3 ยท -15 points ยท Posted at 01:31:39 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)*
What is my purpose?
Edit... wow. Dont quote a show without clicking the link or anything. You get negative karma. Fickle reddit strikes again.
bloodghast ยท 92 points ยท Posted at 01:54:07 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
You post quotes from the video above on a popular thread to reap karma.
[deleted] ยท 37 points ยท Posted at 03:17:51 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Oh my god.
Nutritionisawesome ยท 20 points ยท Posted at 04:06:38 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
yeah, welcome to reddit pal
rickspiff ยท 7 points ยท Posted at 02:07:04 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Savage.
Can your comment be the too response to this thread?
Famixofpower ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 04:28:03 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
It worked on youtube, but it's not a place for smart people, unreadable username. There's some idiot making a fool of himself, some guy in the comments yells "first", and then there are ads almost everywhere!
Famixofpower ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 04:25:36 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
You post nudes on r/gonewilder
dezeiram ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:23:26 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Oh no! I laughed :( I have but one up vote though, sorry
tommytraddles ยท 11 points ยท Posted at 03:49:38 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I'm sorry, Summer, but urp your opinion means very little to me.
Xattle ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 07:04:42 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Actually did that at work to two of my friends not too long ago. Both got pissed at me and were passive aggressive the rest of the night. Had no idea it was an actual reference.
shoneone ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 01:06:09 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
On a t-shirt:
"You're a piece of shirt and I can prove it mathematically"
[deleted] ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 07:04:25 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
"you have the constitutional right to be a dumbass"
PM_Me_Your_Mr_Rogers ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 07:25:28 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
"i don't go by height or age, i go by amount of pain in my ass, in that regard, you're both equal"
Dalton_Land ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 02:49:06 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
"What sort of backwards fucking pageantry is that?"
That whole channel is gold.
Scalpels ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:07:57 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Which episode was that in?
Murrderer ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 03:42:41 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
The first episode of Season 2!
Scalpels ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 04:20:47 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Thankee sai.
[deleted] ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 03:17:04 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
[deleted]
[deleted] ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 03:42:42 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Ep01S02
Scalpels ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 04:21:08 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Thank you, Doc.
Scalpels ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 04:19:45 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Thanks. Somehow I forgot that line. Time to rewatch yet again.
SlangFreak ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 04:44:04 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Who does he say that to? I've seen the episode, I just don't want to look the particular scene up myself
boose22 ยท -2 points ยท Posted at 05:37:49 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Is this from the big bang theory?
SpaceCowboy58 ยท 485 points ยท Posted at 00:35:18 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
An odd one, but:
"I bet your mom writes your name in your underwear."
"I bet yours writes choking hazard: small parts."
wtimusprime ยท 11 points ยท Posted at 05:52:48 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
God damn
Weave77 ยท -9 points ยท Posted at 06:43:32 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Your right, she does, because I don't want your mom choking on my parts again.
[deleted] ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 12:33:01 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
something something no arms
RenaKunisaki ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 17:50:00 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Girl: "well your dick is small."
Guy: "no, it's just that your mouth is huge."
Get_____Fucked ยท 959 points ยท Posted at 17:03:51 on September 16, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
"Ok."
HoTs_DoTs ยท 590 points ยท Posted at 17:37:32 on September 16, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Most of the time not giving a response is the best way as it upsets the person more so I am a fine of just saying "ok".
someone calls me an asshole? i'll respond with 'ok' and i am sure that will annoy them.
Get_____Fucked ยท 778 points ยท Posted at 17:39:43 on September 16, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
They had that figured out 2000 years ago.
Budborne ยท 40 points ยท Posted at 04:16:05 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Id rather heap burning coals on their fucking head though.
Raymond_Who ยท 12 points ยท Posted at 06:49:51 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
ok.
NightGod ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 09:26:03 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)*
Give him a golden crown that men will tremble to behold?
krispygrem ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 05:51:29 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I'm poor, give me $100 to fuck me over
NightGod ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 09:28:20 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Wait, let me get the coals ready.
forgetfulcoder ยท 16 points ยท Posted at 03:41:20 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
That's more of a "win them over with kindness" kinda thing.
LogicCure ยท 39 points ยท Posted at 04:27:16 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
That doesn't sound like the warm and fuzzies?
forgetfulcoder ยท 7 points ยท Posted at 12:39:00 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
If I recall correctly, hot coals are/were used to help melt down metals to make them soft. So that bit was a metaphor.
FiliaDei ยท 11 points ยท Posted at 04:30:00 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
People used to carry hot coals in containers on their heads.
daehoidar ยท 34 points ยท Posted at 04:53:05 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
That doesnt sound right but I dont know enough about hot coal containers to dispute it.
TasteTheRaimbow ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 05:35:36 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I can confirm this fact as a coal-container archaeologist who specifies in Roman culture.
necrotictouch ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 05:49:13 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Oh yes. In fact they used to carry hot coal containers on their heads to the public bathhouses in order to warm the water. Carrying the container on the head allowed people to look forward, thus avoiding tripping and potentially starting a fire.
Shadowex3 ยท -2 points ยท Posted at 09:43:10 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
4000 years ago calling someone bald got you mauled to death by female bears. God calmed way the fuck down after he got laid.
ALittleFishNamedOzil ยท 53 points ยท Posted at 22:01:31 on September 16, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
true, i know ignoring your bullies doesn't work 99% of the time but if it the right type of guy, showing you don't give an actual fuck to what ever he's saying will eat him on the inside
Solarbro ยท 14 points ยท Posted at 00:06:14 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
It works wonders in toxic people in online games. I routinely (hasn't happened in a while actually, haven't come across many flamers) respond to rude and abusive chats with "k" and then mute them. My friends then occasionally tell me if they're still yelling at me. They don't tell me what they say though. Because if they did, it wouldn't be as poetic. But I do enjoy that they scream at the wind after I can't hear them.
fuck-dat-shit-up ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 04:13:03 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Someines I like to look at them like the way chris tucker looks at Jackie chan in rush hour, specifically when he cant understand a single word that is coming out of Jackie's mouth.
Georgia_Ball ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:03:11 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Usually I say "DAMN RIGHT I AM"
ZanderDogz ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:12:03 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Most flat out insults rely on the person actually giving a shit.
Dason37 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:17:56 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
My response to "you're an asshole" is "and?"
NightGod ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 09:29:25 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
"Just figuring that out, are you? I didn't know you were stupid as well as ugly."
Dason37 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 15:08:23 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I might need to incorporate some version of this. I'm not huge on calling people out on their looks, as I'm hideous myself, but "you're an asshole. " "you're an idiot because you just now figured that out." Sounds sweet
Dahvood ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 06:50:38 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I work in retail, and use this a lot. It makes customers reconsider the dumb shit they just said and you can't really get in trouble by saying it.
Orrblunk ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 05:47:57 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I generally say "I know" when people call me that.
Or if they ask WHY I'm an asshole, I just look them dead in the eye and ask "Have you fucking met me ?!"
[deleted] ยท 60 points ยท Posted at 22:16:08 on September 16, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
[deleted]
PM_ME_YOUR_UPSKIRTS_ ยท 7 points ยท Posted at 01:26:07 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Nah this one http://m.imgur.com/gallery/SV1Rpez
Wufei74 ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 00:57:20 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Ahhhh, I love when I find OPM images in the wild.
classyfools ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 03:10:39 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
saitama was def the most savage
DankerOfMemes ยท 28 points ยท Posted at 17:36:33 on September 16, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
K
GuacamoleInMyChoes ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 01:04:49 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Yeah that's the more infuriating one.
christo334 ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 02:25:19 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
-saitama
Troat_awayz ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 00:12:27 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I have a co-worker that hates his job, our office, and most people in it. One may tell him thank you when completing a task. His only cold reply is "ok". He says this in a way that makes you feel like he would rather you be dead and the whole office was in flames. It's rather remarkable actually.
dragonczeck ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 00:41:08 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I just say "Thanks." That usually baffles them for a bit.
waltjrimmer ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 01:49:46 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
"Whatever."
"That's cool."
hyacinthstorm ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 02:52:21 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Alternatively, "you sound just like my dad."
The_Trumpinator ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 13:51:13 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
That only works if they tell me they're disappointed
OmNamahShivaya ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 03:41:51 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
ah yes, the Daniel From SL approach. classic.
[deleted] ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 04:04:59 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
OkK
elastic-craptastic ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 04:43:10 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Yes.... okay.
quoth_tthe_raven ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 05:09:08 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
My fucking favorite though. COLD AF.
IAIRonI ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 06:02:47 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I always go with "I'm sorry you feel that way." Same idea though
Thatsrightotherbarry ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 06:27:04 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
"Noted" also classic
dreed18 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 07:32:39 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
My favorite way to respond to rude customers at the restaurant I work at.
SilverProductions ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 09:52:01 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
User name is important
Taylor1391 ยท 852 points ยท Posted at 23:36:46 on September 16, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Overheard in the chip aisle of the grocery store, a woman on crutches and the man talking to her:
Man: you know, if you didn't eat so much of this shit, you probably wouldn't have ended up on crutches.
Woman: if you shut the fuck up about what I eat right now, you probably won't end up on crutches.
febfebfeb ยท 22 points ยท Posted at 05:51:37 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
What's the correlation between a temporary physical impairment and chips?
DrGhostfire ยท 10 points ยท Posted at 06:20:53 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Could be diabetes.
switchn ยท 9 points ยท Posted at 06:34:28 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Fat doesn't really contribute to diabeetus like sugar does though, so it's not really much of a point. Plus, to be on crutches you'd expect them to be of reasonable physical capacity, not someone who has been consumed by a food obsession.
Taylor1391 ยท 10 points ยท Posted at 06:50:43 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
She wasn't even fat so I have no idea.
GorillaDownDicksOut ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 08:05:38 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
But most people who are fat are going to be eating too much sugar. Fat isn't the main contributor, but it's a good indicator.
switchn ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 13:19:38 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Above user asked for the correlation between chips and physical impairment, another user responded saying diabetes. The fat (from chips) doesn't really effect the beetus. Body fat gives you a reasonable indicate sure, but buying chips doesn't.
Yet another example of why nutritional fat should be named something else... too confusing.
GorillaDownDicksOut ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 15:22:20 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I read the original insult as implying she was fat (:if you didn't eat so much") and the 'shit' that was being refereed to wasn't just the chips in this specific case, but rather junk food in general.
So the original insult could be paraphrased as 'if you didn't eat so much junk food, maybe you wouldn't have diabetes, and you wouldn't need to use crutches'.
cptstupendous ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 17:04:54 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Gravity is not kind to people who eat more chips than they should.
astralellie ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 06:47:17 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Aw man I can see myself in this situation. I'm using this shit.
Taylor1391 ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 06:56:17 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
You saw right through this and knew that "the woman" was me, didn't you.
astralellie ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 06:58:30 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I had my suspicions but really I eat so many chips for an 120lb adult I am actually gonna need something like this.
Shmiddidy ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 12:11:02 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
ASwWaaaaaasdrsawsssswwseiu..\,
Imakelasers ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 14:24:12 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
My cat also likes to sleep on the keyboard
[deleted] ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 05:27:56 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Seriously though diabetes is dangerous
krispygrem ยท 14 points ยท Posted at 05:53:23 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
So is not minding your own business
Cookie733 ยท 7 points ยท Posted at 06:17:47 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I'm not disputing that but there are so many more reasons why someone would be using crutches.
Sepof ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 06:26:08 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Why would a bad diet EVER result in crutches?
How many obese people have you seen on crutches? I can tell you the answer. It's almost none.
There's a reason... Obese people weigh to much to balance their weight like that. Plus, there's no way anyone over 250lb is getting through an average door or entryway on crutches.
MurderousMeerkat ยท 10 points ยท Posted at 06:35:47 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Gout.
Cookie733 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:52:37 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Yeah you are probably right, was tired when I wrote that and didn't want to wake up to a ton of angry people. I work at a pharmacy and the people that come in for diabetes supplies haven't ever been on crutches (at least that I have noticed maybe like one slipped by me). But when I see crutches, my mind goes "Yeah it was probably mountain biking with a rocket for extra speed.".
Sepof ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:01:17 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
When I see crutches, I assume some minor mistake that they would be too embarrassed to tell me about.
When I see wheelchair, I assume bad(ass) accident.
MacSteele13 ยท 54 points ยท Posted at 03:31:26 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Hudson: Hey Vasquez, you ever been mistaken for a man?
Vasquez: No. Have you?
lizimajig ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 16:20:36 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Classic.
arcaneailment ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 17:10:23 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Game over, man.
Hamlet1305 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 17:33:49 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Any time, any where.
internetisnotreality ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 19:07:42 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
stop your grinning and drop your linen.
ADanishMan2 ยท 720 points ยท Posted at 22:34:19 on September 16, 2016 ยท (Permalink)*
This one is kinda tame, but the reaction it got was worth it. I was in history class during my sophomore year of high school and there was this one arrogant silver-spoon motherfucker whose dad was a pretty popular dentist in our area. Naturally, the kid was going to try and follow in Pop's footsteps. We were talking in our group about random shit and one girl mentions something about wanting to be a veterinarian down the road. SilverSpoon says something like "That's the dumbest job ever/Who would do that/locust-like screeching" and the other guy in our group just deadpans "Sounds better than being a fucking dentist"
Dude turned beet red and didn't say a word to us the rest of the semester.
[deleted] ยท 22 points ยท Posted at 05:49:25 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Semi similar with my highschool situation. I was never really the type to be ashamed of my parents like some teens growing up. When I was in highschool my dad worked as a construction worker, it was the highest paying job he could obtain at the time as an immigrant. Some snob kept poking fun at "poor" people and flaunts his hats with the tags in them still and his fixie bikes. He once made fun of me in class saying "you drive a 2003 civic? Such a scrub" (this was in 2009). And a usually quiet guy in class retorted "dude you took the bus to prom". Felt amazing having people have my back
Sigilus ยท 21 points ยท Posted at 01:44:11 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
You mean the tall drink o' water with a silver spoon up his ass?
Peytoneli99 ยท 10 points ยท Posted at 06:18:42 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Yup, that one got me
rylacy ยท 14 points ยท Posted at 04:44:57 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
You seem like an antidentite.
[deleted] ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 08:04:26 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I always thought "beef red" would be a more accurate expression.
TheWinterLily ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:45:01 on September 18, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
This made me laugh pretty hard.
heynow3589 ยท -3 points ยท Posted at 05:30:25 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
"haha,your dad is rich"
SpookyKabukiTheatre ยท -47 points ยท Posted at 05:32:32 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
To be fair, a veterinarian is a stupid fucking job.
Dino_Guy_II ยท 29 points ยท Posted at 06:26:31 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Sounds better than being a fucking dentist.
GroovingPict ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 06:34:23 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I worked this guy for six months, Lester. Six months! Can you imagine the number of sore mouths Ive put my hands in? The gallons of human spit? Plus the 100,000 dollar bounty down the toilet, but err... still, the look on his face when I pulled the gun: classic, huh?
magnoolia ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 07:32:55 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
"Aces!"
Dino_Guy_II ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 06:35:53 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
?
strugglestick ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 06:58:55 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
It's dialogue from Season 1 of Fargo
1337GameDev ยท 8 points ยท Posted at 08:09:07 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
how so? It's necessary because people have pets, is similar to human doctors, and pays well.
What's the issue?
ali5005 ยท 842 points ยท Posted at 21:30:39 on September 16, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Guy number 1: "your dad looks like an ugly junky"
Guy Number 2: " at least I know what my father looks like"
tkminjun ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 06:30:54 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Classic.
mightybonk ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 08:08:23 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
AAHAHAHAHAHAH
... sigh :(
Ganjisseur ยท 99 points ยท Posted at 05:30:54 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
My friend and I were at a bar with friends and he and I decided to order drinks that sounded tasty instead of "man drinks."
So we receive a baby blue beverage in a cocktail glass and a pink beverage in a cocktail glass.
They were delicious, but one guy (who happened to be gay) grabbed a shot of whiskey and said "Hey K! This is how real men take it!"
My friend, K, just instantly deadpanned, "real men don't take it."
God I'll remember that on my deathbed.
[deleted] ยท 1431 points ยท Posted at 21:34:29 on September 16, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Was sitting at a local bar when some dude nobody's seen around before (he looked like a weird, gangly trucker with his shirt tucked really tight, a handlebar mustache, and a Budweiser hat) comes in and sits down. Pretty female bartender walks over to him.
Pretty bartender: Can I get you something?
Trucker: You should smile more.
Pretty bartender: How about you go fuck yourself?
Now I know it doesn't sound like much but her saying it was just so crisp and sharp, and it was loud enough that everyone in the bar turned to them. Guy looked around, got up, and just walked out without saying anything else.
Adrian795 ยท 745 points ยท Posted at 00:25:31 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Well I guess he went to go fuck himself...
SirJaycub ยท 376 points ยท Posted at 02:02:32 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Failed the will save on suggestion.
kd8qdz ยท 10 points ยท Posted at 07:24:52 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Bartender bard checks out
tacotacoguy ยท 12 points ยท Posted at 08:20:27 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
The BARDTENDER!
kd8qdz ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 08:27:45 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Sounds like a Pizzo publishing class.
bugzor ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 05:39:44 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
what?
SirJaycub ยท 10 points ยท Posted at 07:22:51 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
In D&D there is a spell called suggestion that forces a character to follow a command and failing a will saving throw made him go fuck himself.
Xenexex ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 06:13:04 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Referencing Dungeons and Dragons mechanics.
JamesMusicus ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 09:11:35 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Always upvote for DnD.
ghost-pacman4 ยท 11 points ยท Posted at 05:09:08 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
If only he said something like "yes ma'am" before walking out, everyone would've liked him a lot more.
mightybonk ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 08:00:37 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Say what you want about his attitude, but man that guy can follow instructions.
captainbluemuffins ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 07:29:49 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Well, someone's gotta
Aemerson1992 ยท 67 points ยท Posted at 03:58:58 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Dude this is great. I hate when douches tell me to smile more like I'm some kind of barbie doll or that they control me.
Serpensortia ยท 28 points ยท Posted at 06:35:00 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Like I exist solely to make their surroundings prettier. I absolutely hate it when customers do this to me at work
Aemerson1992 ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 12:40:00 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
It's an awkward and weird comment. It's like man I don't know you, you don't know me, I'm trying to do my job, don't make it more weird than it needs to be
GorillaDownDicksOut ยท -8 points ยท Posted at 07:58:30 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
If you're in retail, then it kind of is your job to make the business the most welcoming, and that includes smiling.
It's still weird for them to tell you to smile though.
On the street? They can fuck right off.
[deleted] ยท -9 points ยท Posted at 09:34:50 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
[deleted]
Wombatapult ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 13:18:35 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
If you're being nice, you don't make demands or give orders.
h0ser ยท -20 points ยท Posted at 08:19:54 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
gotta love the scowling waitress who hates her job and shows it in her body language to everyone that she waits on. Shit like that can bring someone down. They need to smile more.
ToLoveIsDivine ยท 7 points ยท Posted at 14:36:32 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
So it's her job to make everyone else feel happy or have a good time? I thought we all learned back in elementary school that no one can control our feelings but us lol. Working in customer service, it's her job to wait on you and be pleasant -- not make you feel good inside by smiling at you.
h0ser ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 21:40:16 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
It is her job to make people feel welcome and comfortable. Smilling is being pleasant, scowling and scoffing and sighing are not.
waku2x ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 22:13:10 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Sorry but I disagree. It's kinda your job to make people pleasant including smiling. I'm not going to tip highly( US ) or pay service tax ( Singapore ) if I come into an establishment and received half ass treatment
I had to pay 10% customer service charge + my meal + 8% gst and all the waiter had to do was put a plate on my table in Singapore. That's bs....
sbd104 ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 23:50:35 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Never had a happy Waiter give shitty service. Most of the shitty waiters are scowling. Guess who doesn't get a tip.
[deleted] ยท -24 points ยท Posted at 07:46:34 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Can't people say this without trying to objectify or control you though? As in an advice sort of way.
secret-pinecone ยท 23 points ยท Posted at 08:41:02 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Strangers should not be giving people advice on how to arrange their face. Also, they don't know their life. What if they'd lost their job that day? They'd had their heart broken? Their dog has died? It's not their place to tell someone to change their facial expression just to become more physically appealing.
torystory ยท 7 points ยท Posted at 10:45:26 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I always answer this with "my grandma died today". The reactions are priceless. That's not something you "advise" to a stranger, even if it's in their job description. Don't tell anyone how to do their job.
[deleted] ยท -15 points ยท Posted at 12:51:26 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)*
If they had any sort of traumatic experience then they shouldn't be serving customers. Whatever happened to her shouldn't bounce back on the customer. I'm just thinking we're looking at him unfavorably for 1 comment and a description of his physical appearance. 1) It's one sentence taken out of context 2) the only description you have of the man is a physical one 3) the only reason it sounds bad is because most people are equating that he was hitting on her in the process 4) What she replied with was much much much much more rude that his original comment.
secret-pinecone ยท 9 points ยท Posted at 13:13:20 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Sure what she said was rude, but it's annoying no matter who said it. I don't care if Brad Pitt tells me to smile, it's patronising and weird. If he had an issue with her customer service then he should have spoken to her manager, not demanded that she make herself more physically appealing to him and asked her to perform like a dancing monkey.
[deleted] ยท -8 points ยท Posted at 13:17:43 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Nobody asked anybody to perform like a dancing monkey. What she said was far ruder than what he said, and she is the representative of her establishment. It was handled pretty poorly from all angles.
[deleted] ยท 12 points ยท Posted at 09:03:42 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Are you their manager? Are you their therapist? If no on both, you're in no position to give such "advice".
[deleted] ยท -3 points ยท Posted at 12:45:15 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I'm their customer.
Wombatapult ยท 17 points ยท Posted at 13:20:36 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
And that gives you precisely zero reason or authority to tell them which facial expression to wear.
[deleted] ยท -4 points ยท Posted at 13:27:03 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Zero reason? As their customer I'm the only person who will be effected by their attitude. Their therapist or manager isn't the one buying drinks from her.
Edit- Well her manager might be irritated because of the loss of a sale or two.
Wombatapult ยท 8 points ยท Posted at 15:24:35 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
People like you are why working in the service industry sucks.
[deleted] ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 17:23:28 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
The fact that you turned an impersonal discussion into a personal attack is the reason why I won't continue discussing. However I have worked in both retail and food service and have dealt with many customers personally and I want to make it absolutely clear that anybody trained in customer service will tell you that was the wrong thing to do. Take care
Wombatapult ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 17:36:44 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Do whatever, man.
I manage a veterinary office.
If any client told one of my receptionists to smile more, I'd think it was just as asinine.
They get paid to be polite, not to look a certain way.
Telling a stranger to change their facial expression is inappropriate and moronic.
The customer is not always right.
Ragnrok ยท -2 points ยท Posted at 16:53:54 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
You sound miserable. You should smile more.
Aemerson1992 ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 16:56:29 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Suck my titties, nerd.
Ragnrok ยท -4 points ยท Posted at 16:58:25 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Happily? That's a weird comeback, threatening a guy with a good time.
Aemerson1992 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 17:04:40 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
What if they're gross pancake nipples and saggy wrinkly deflated titties? It's quite the gamble, being the internet and all.
Ragnrok ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:54:31 on September 18, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Whatever, I've suckled worse
Aemerson1992 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 09:46:37 on September 18, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I don't think that's something you should admit.
Ragnrok ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 12:25:01 on September 18, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Whatever, I've admitted worse.
Aemerson1992 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 13:17:54 on September 18, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Lol this could go for days
Ragnrok ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 13:22:41 on September 18, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Whatever, I've spent days doing worse.
Aemerson1992 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 13:23:08 on September 18, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Oh snap, here he is again.
astralellie ยท 11 points ยท Posted at 06:43:04 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
This happened to me a few months ago in a grocery store parking lot, I was reeling from an argument with my mother and returning the cart full scowl when this older man says "give me a smile you'll look prettier," and I made this face of like angry evil villain laughter and told him I wouldn't smile for him if it would save his life. Ironically my savageness kind of brightened my mood.
hashtagraptorvag ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 12:42:19 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
No, that shits hilarious. It reminds me of an episode of trailer park boys where a fake preacher asks Bubbles, "Can you read, my son" "Well, I don't know.. Can you go fuck youself." Flawless, seamless, and hysterical.
Shadowex3 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 09:52:53 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Those are called hipsters.
Schnauzerbutt ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 14:27:26 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Why would you piss off the bartender?
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 22:50:47 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
h0ser ยท -13 points ยท Posted at 08:20:54 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
a lot of waitresses need to smile more. Some of them seem angry to be waiting on me. I'm sorry I was hungry and wanted something to eat, lady.
jackmusick ยท -97 points ยท Posted at 02:22:40 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Maybe it's just me, but in the right tone, I don't see what's so wrong with what he said. Some people would look better smiling.
[deleted] ยท 79 points ยท Posted at 02:44:42 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)*
I think telling people to smile more is a pretty presumptive thing to tell a complete stranger - some may take it to think that they're saying you're transparent enough that they know more about what's better for you than you do. I honestly think it's one of the most condescending things you could say to someone that you don't know.
jackmusick ยท -3 points ยท Posted at 13:48:46 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Smiling looks better on anyone who's customer facing. No one wants to work with someone who has a scowl on their face. Certainly not someone who's so sensitive as to tell a customer to fuck off for as far as I can tell, an innocent suggestion. You Internet people can downvote me all you want, but that's how the world works.
ToLoveIsDivine ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 14:31:28 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
It's really not. You have no idea if this waitress was "scowling" or not. She could have just, idk, not been smiling. But regardless, it's not his place to tell her how to look or how to do her job...
singe-ruse ยท 66 points ยท Posted at 03:09:20 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
But unless someone is a model, currently in the act of modeling something for you, their face isn't there for your amusement. If someone doesn't ask for your opinion on their face, your opinion on how they could look better doesn't really matter.
[deleted] ยท -14 points ยท Posted at 06:21:21 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
That makes sense, but I don't think someone should be walking around with slanted eyebrows and a scowl on their face if they're dealing with customers. In any different position I would have agreed 100%. It wasn't his place to tell her, he did and it was a blunder, but loudly cussing at a customer is the opposite of good customer service. Even if the man was mildly belligerent and annoying.
Renyx ยท 22 points ยท Posted at 06:32:53 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I get what you're saying, but just because she wasn't smiling doesn't mean she was scowling furiously. Maybe she just had a general blank look. Or maybe if she is frowning she has a reason to. Maybe something horrible happened to her earlier and she's trying not to think about it. Or maybe she was actually smiling at least a little but the guy thought he was being smooth.
Telling someone you don't know to smile is telling them to alter their mood and looks to your liking. Girls get this a lot, and it's very demeaning coming from strangers.
curiouslyendearing ยท 12 points ยท Posted at 06:41:36 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Also, she's a bartender, not your normal run of the mill customer service. She controls the booze switch. Number one rule of drinking is don't piss off the bartender. They are boss.
[deleted] ยท -10 points ยท Posted at 07:22:39 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
If thats the case the bartender shouldn't be really easy to piss off.
curiouslyendearing ยท 10 points ยท Posted at 07:29:45 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Seriously? What the guy said was fucking rude. I'd cheer if I saw my bartender do this to someone. They have to be in control of their surroundings, it's part of the job, and part of being in control is not taking shit from people.
[deleted] ยท -6 points ยท Posted at 07:32:07 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Since when did "You should smile" become fucking rude? I should smile. I think you should smile too. I have no idea who you are, but it's not really that rude. It might be a little invasive. But smiling faces do make a room feel nicer, especially when you're the hostess. I don't know exactly how the guy said it, but cussing him out was definitely not the right way to go about it.
curiouslyendearing ยท 8 points ยท Posted at 07:46:50 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
You should smile has always been rude. It's up there with; you should cut your hair, or you shouldn't have so many tattoos, or you should dress more feminine dear. It's patronizing, in this case sexist, and dehumanizing. As others have pointed out in this thread she's not there for his visual enjoyment.
Obviously in a dive bar with an apparent solid regular crowd, she didn't need a rude assholes business.
Bars aren't target or the shopping mall where you have to grin and take it from rude customers. They kick people out all the time. And if the guy is a dick the moment he sits down, it means he's only going to get worse as you put more alcohol in him.
[deleted] ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 07:54:33 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I don't think it was even mentioned that it was sexist. Simply because he was a guy and she's a woman you're making the assumption that he was hitting on her. If it was said to a man, it wouldn't sound as rude would it? That's the point I'm making. You're judging the man as some rude asshole being sleezy. All you read was one sentence without any context whatsoever except what the man looks like And that he's talking to a female bartender. One generic sentence without any context at all.
[deleted] ยท -3 points ยท Posted at 06:50:37 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I think any type of customer service is altering your mood to the customers liking. If everybody who has ever worked in retail or the food industry or even the bar/club scene could be unapproachable based on their mood, it'd be a pretty crappy customer experience. Especially when tips matter. As I said, it wasn't his place to say anything but I don't think her reaction was justified.
Renyx ยท 11 points ยท Posted at 07:10:08 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Again, I get what you're saying, but I don't think you understand this type of situation. I can almost guarantee she didn't look unapproachable (not to mention she approached him). But her actual facial expression, which we don't even know, aside, you do not tell someone they should smile. It is said out of one's desire to control the other. They may not be thinking "I want to control how she looks" but when you get down to it, that's what it means. A lot of men have a subconscious expectation that women should look nice for them and cater to them just because they're male and she's female and 99% of the time that's what telling a woman to smile is about.
I get that it's probably not something you have to deal with, but women deal with this quite often and it deserves this response.
[deleted] ยท -1 points ยท Posted at 07:20:35 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I disagree with you because of the setting. Whether it was a man or a woman, telling someone to smile when in a service industry might be awkward, but it is certainly not worthy of such a reaction. The way the man was described was rather biased. But any normal person saying, you should smile more, might not be exactly smooth. But it doesn't warrant a loud tell and cussing at a customer. That's rude and honestly, even as a bystander I wouldn't want to approach that bartender or even come back to the bar. If she's dealing with people drinking all day, then she's heard much much worse than you should smile. And lashing out might be self satisfying, but it is an illogical overreaction to an off comment.
spicewoman ยท 47 points ยท Posted at 03:51:35 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Do you really walk up to strangers and tell them how they should modify their appearance to something more aesthetically pleasing to you?
Stalking_Goat ยท 22 points ยท Posted at 04:18:07 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I'm reminded of the joke about how if you met one asshole today, that's just bad luck. If everyone you met was an asshole, then actually you're the asshole.
What I'm saying is, I suspect Mr. You Should Smile More thinks he meets assholes constantly each and every day.
Delicateplace ยท 12 points ยท Posted at 05:48:27 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Why is NO ONE I meet ever smiling? Miserable fucks!
ExplainsSocialEnigma ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 05:45:41 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
People do that to me all the time and I never tell them to fuck themselves. Especially to customers at work.
[deleted] ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 07:43:00 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
When you're in a work setting, it makes sense not to tell people to fuck themselves. Even for an awkward comment.
DrGhostfire ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 06:19:50 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
It's more than that, it's you should ignore your feelings just to fit in or be more presentable.
ExplainsSocialEnigma ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 14:15:45 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Again, what's so offensive about that?
What actually happened here is that this trucker was not charming so the bartender was hostile to any uppity behaviour.
It's a mood and authority thing: if a sweet old lady had said it the bartender would be flattered. If her boss's boss had said it she would just agree. Even if a female trucker has said it, she wouldn't have been offended. But because a gross trucker said it, she stomped him.
It has nothing to do with was was said or their lack of relationship, but rather judgments about the person who said it.
on_my_lunch_break ยท 32 points ยท Posted at 05:14:12 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Other people are not there for you to look at. What part of that is difficult for you to understand?
[deleted] ยท -3 points ยท Posted at 07:44:29 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Actually they are. As a bartender, she's expected to maintain standards of customer service. It just doesn't make sense to tell somebody to fuck themselves because of an off comment.
on_my_lunch_break ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 15:36:19 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Yes, she's expected to serve you what you request within a reasonable time. That doesn't make her your fucking eye candy. That doesn't mean she's there for your viewing pleasure.
Wisemd123 ยท -13 points ยท Posted at 06:54:15 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Haha wow. I assumed you were a rude person just by the nasty tone of this post. So after looking at your post history, and seeing every single post is in a nasty, condescending tone, I wasn't surprised.
Maybe you should think about where you are in life and what you can change to become a happier person?
No need to reply, just something to think about. (I know you'll reply anyway, but I won't) Have a good day!
on_my_lunch_break ยท 9 points ยท Posted at 06:57:07 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)*
Hello, kettle? This is pot, I've got some news for you...
subzerojosh_1 ยท -74 points ยท Posted at 00:06:21 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
If you have to explain it, its not funny
MacDerfus ยท 23 points ยท Posted at 01:24:21 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Savagery isn't always funny. Gotta point out how that comment shot him the fuck down.
AerdethBarlow ยท 592 points ยท Posted at 19:40:58 on September 16, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
If there was no ugly in the world, there would be no beauty. Thanks for your sacrifice.
this_is_original1 ยท 10 points ยท Posted at 00:51:02 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
burn meters are off the charts.
shit shit shit shit shit shit shit
ApathyAbound ยท 11 points ยท Posted at 04:01:04 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Actually, Plato says only the unenlightened need to see ugliness in order to appreciate beauty, and what they perceive as beauty isn't True Beauty
JohnnyChee ยท 10 points ยท Posted at 04:12:50 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
AJ Styles.. You got a haircut like a soccer mom, howyoudoin?
Ralphus999 ยท 8 points ยท Posted at 03:45:22 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
How you doin
wagenejm ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 04:21:34 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Oh Enzo.
Schmabadoop ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 04:44:14 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Enzo Amore?
NightGod ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 09:46:08 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
"You're welcome. Someone had to be the beauty that could balance you out. It's a struggle, but I make do."
clumsy__ninja ยท 253 points ยท Posted at 23:22:18 on September 16, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
This is why people talk about you when you're not around
๐๏ธ Koean ยท 24 points ยท Posted at 23:26:49 on September 16, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Ouch, make them wonder who betrays them and jab at them at the same time.
Raibean ยท 9 points ยท Posted at 04:06:16 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Truly the sleeper agent of comebacks.
Squibblus ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 06:56:58 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
"NO ONE talks about you though. Ever."
gun-nut ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 05:20:09 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
This one hurt my heart.
OhSheGlows ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:59:41 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Cold blooded lol
Queenof-brokenhearts ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 20:15:45 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
At least people talk about me.
[deleted] ยท 2028 points ยท Posted at 19:21:37 on September 16, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I was standing in a bar with some friends and friends of friends about to go see some local band.
Some woman and her friend are standing beside me, in a way that implies they are part of the group. (They were not.)
I say, "Hi, I'm Jessie, what's your name?"
She relies, "I'm Lydia, and you sound like an asshole."
Everyone in the group is suddenly interested in this unprovoked hostility.
Without missing a beat I simply reply, "Well, your name rhymes with Chlamydia."
May not have been the best comeback, but it made everyone roar with laughter, which was good enough for me.
๐๏ธ Koean ยท 718 points ยท Posted at 19:25:27 on September 16, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
How did you manage to come off as an ass hole? ๐
[deleted] ยท 717 points ยท Posted at 19:29:26 on September 16, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I simply asked her name. As it turns out I was later told that she was a huge proponent (edit - probably the wrong word) of rape culture, hated all men, only made love to "wymyn", and brought up the chlamydia thing for days afterwards.
grimitar ยท 51 points ยท Posted at 01:00:26 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
How did you find out that she talked about it for days later? I though that she was just some random person in line.
alexmikli ยท 28 points ยท Posted at 04:47:56 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
One of the friends probably just knew who they were.
andprix ยท 43 points ยท Posted at 04:11:01 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Because it never happened
LainExpLains ยท 25 points ยท Posted at 07:10:25 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Wow yeah its a pretty wild story. I mean asking peoples NAMES? Who the fuck does that.
lol.
Noah__Webster ยท 16 points ยท Posted at 04:56:33 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Posts in /r/TwoXChromosomes ... Sounds about right
[deleted] ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 05:32:46 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
[deleted]
whatayob ยท 17 points ยท Posted at 05:43:59 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Haha maybe you need to take a breather, my dude
PetililPuff ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 06:20:33 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
That sub just.. baffles me... And I'm a woman!
andprix ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 11:23:31 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Why?
[deleted] ยท -2 points ยท Posted at 06:23:42 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
This is my least liked subreddit.
RainbowBroggy ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 08:40:17 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Paging r/ThatHappened
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:26:38 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Naw - she recognized (edit: from work) one of my friends of a friend and wandered over.
Cristo_Kennedy ยท 322 points ยท Posted at 23:50:53 on September 16, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I kinda want to see that tumbler of her side of the story.
Dear fellow maneaters
Last night some fuckboye blah blah blah he raped my ears with his words, rape culture, mansplane, patriarchy, cis male etc.
Cascasguts ยท 22 points ยท Posted at 03:08:56 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
lucyyyy, you got some mansplainin to do
marr ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 08:13:17 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Funny how stories about male assholes aren't universally followed by massively upvoted lists of MRA bullshit words.
[deleted] ยท 97 points ยท Posted at 00:25:09 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
[deleted]
Cristo_Kennedy ยท 73 points ยท Posted at 00:44:53 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
There is bullshit women deal with and this crap doesnt help at all.
[deleted] ยท 29 points ยท Posted at 01:20:52 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)*
[deleted]
HippieKillerHoeDown ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 06:40:35 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
fuck me, this is just as stupid. Men and women haven't hated eachother until just prior to eighty years ago, the majority of us all just got along just fine with an outlier 20 percent or less of both sexes, who made so much noise it echoes through history. Ask your grandma if she's still alive (especially if she is quite old, like pushing a hundred) or just read some fiction written prior to 1900 if you want proof. There are characters of 70 years old in books written in 1899, who sound just like people today, bitching about the habits of the young.
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:33:28 on September 18, 2016 ยท (Permalink)*
[deleted]
HippieKillerHoeDown ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 06:23:28 on September 18, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
The amount of respect I lack fir people who pick on how ah talk vs what ah actually said can't be measured by convention meens. Go read some fucking fiction from the 1880s to see how normal people acted, you've essentially proved my point about the outlier percentages of either sex echoing through history.
[deleted] ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 04:01:16 on September 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)*
[deleted]
HippieKillerHoeDown ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 12:58:32 on September 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Oh look, another retard that thinks word salad and length makes them smart.
chuntiyomoma ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 06:28:32 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
You get a lot of women are, sadly, abused in some way and it distorts their thinking when they get involved in feminism. These are the extremists and they're pissed off, loud, and super motivated. But they're causing more problems than they solve. It's a messed up cycle.
railmaniac ยท 29 points ยท Posted at 01:22:39 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I have never heard the term "mansplaining" anywhere outside of reddit.
That said, if anyone uses the term to me I'm gonna pretend they are talking about garden trimming in the gentlemen's area. If they try to correct me I'm going to condescendingly tell them how they are mistaken about the whole thing.
Nurum ยท 28 points ยท Posted at 03:13:57 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I have a couple friends on Facebook who run with crowds that use it all the time. They like to pull it out anytime a man disagrees with them or says anything they don't like. They REALLY don't like it when I point out that they are marginalizing an entire gender because they feel like some men marginalized them.
[deleted] ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 08:38:55 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
You probably need to explain it better to them.
Springheeljac ยท 12 points ยท Posted at 05:15:34 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
This will piss you off.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZOXh5repOWI
Ezbior ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 18:16:40 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
The guy's response was great, I'm glad that he actually spoke up about it.
calicotrinket ยท 14 points ยท Posted at 04:38:41 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
My super-liberal debate group uses it a lot unironically.
[deleted] ยท 26 points ยท Posted at 05:02:30 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Worst debate group ever, I'd hope your teacher has the logic to be like, no, you're not allowed to shut down conversation based on the speaker, learn how to debate the actual argument.
calicotrinket ยท 11 points ยท Posted at 06:25:25 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
If everyone subscribes to the same broken logic though...
HoreheyXD ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 11:48:19 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Then it's more of a chat, than a debate?
calicotrinket ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 11:50:44 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
It's basically a one-way fight - I regard myself centre-right and now it's insane to reason with them, with "privilege" and all that.
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:58:01 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Honestly, I'm a little past center left, but I still always like to hear both sides, it's either going to strengthen your argument or give you a new perspective. The problem is that when some people face the cognitive dissonance of their weak arguments, they double down and usually resort to fallacies.
We need people to play devil's advocate, and actually police their own sides bullshit, instead of forming echo chambers, because then we get these talk radio level idiots like Alex Jones or Piers Morgan taken seriously, which lowers the level of discourse for everyone.
PM_ME_A_PM_PLEASE_PM ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 08:24:30 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I've yet to hear that word from a mouth I respected. I'd drop that group.
HippieKillerHoeDown ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 06:41:54 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
well, now i know you dont live in a west coast urban area.
[deleted] ยท 9 points ยท Posted at 01:27:21 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
[deleted]
[deleted] ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 06:33:44 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
[deleted]
Gibbothemediocre ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 14:31:39 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
A legbeard?
returnofnm ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 01:52:44 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Ive heard it before, but the guy recieving it was a bit of an ass
SpyGlassez ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:10:26 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I use it as a joke to my husband once in a while because he is a little focus -intense and if he knows something he has to explain it, even if he knows I already understand it. (He and I both have ADD and the doctor thinks he might be a little on the spectrum.) The thing is, it isn't gendered; he will do it to anyone. He is trying to be helpful or specific, but that doesn't mean it isn't irritating when we both understand what I am trying to say but I am having problems getting the words out so he talks for me.
moon--moon ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 08:01:14 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I have unfortunately heard it. An ex of mine once used it. I did not enjoy that side of her.
SerCiddy ยท 15 points ยท Posted at 00:49:51 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
It's even better when it bleeds into politics. My California Governor just vetoed a bill that would get rid of taxes on certain sanitary items (diapers, tampons, etc.). The female politician who was heading the bill took to social media and asked him to "#mansplain" it to her why women have to carry the state on their backs.
YodelingTortoise ยท 19 points ยท Posted at 02:04:12 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I recently did some rough calculations on the repeal of "tampon tax" in NY. It was being thrown around like the state was "putting womens health first" it saves 4 dollars/ year for women between 12 and 45......
babyldanger ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 04:53:05 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Damn, that's a lot of money the state is making off period blood.
CaelestisInteritum ยท 8 points ยท Posted at 04:42:33 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
But it sounds so nice and progressive.
AlmightyRuler ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 05:36:42 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
The road to hell etc etc.
HippieKillerHoeDown ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 06:45:51 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
yeah, but fuck menopausal women, what do they do for anyone?
MacDerfus ยท 9 points ยท Posted at 01:14:47 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I'll just take an explanation why a man whose last name is brown kept a tax on diapers.
ResditSportsHobby ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 13:36:00 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
That's fucking stupid. Let's not tax food then since we have to eat it every month. Like what the fuck. Cups should be tax free. Tp tax free. Fucking people.
SerCiddy ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 14:20:06 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
There have already been many states that have voted out tampon taxes as being discriminatory against women, California is just not one of them. Our Governor cited fiscal responsibility, i wasnt sure if the article was referencing all sanitary items or just tampons but the total revenue lost would be about 300 million, this tax ememption would be a huge cut into the budget.
ResditSportsHobby ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:59:11 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Yes, my state did it too. To be clear, they eliminated all sales tax on these products, right? Or was there some other tax that was attached to these that was removed? If there was an extra tax, sure, remove it. But sales tax? That's discriminatory towards men to remove all tax on a product just because it's for hygiene.
SerCiddy ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:41:22 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
This is not to remove sales tax, it's like a "luxury" tax.
ResditSportsHobby ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:46:19 on September 18, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Yep! My girlfriend further explained it to me today. Glad it's gone. An extra tax on that's not right. Cigs? Absolutely. Tampons? No.
buddha-ish ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 05:39:00 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
On their backs? Man, have I misunderstood how they use tampons or what?
HippieKillerHoeDown ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 06:45:01 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
same reason sales tax is charged on condoms and electric razors....and some other random thing women dont buy so much as men. like vasectomies and dodge chargers.
Gonzobot ยท -2 points ยท Posted at 11:01:33 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Why should some products for some genders not be taxable? They're not government provided, they're free market consumer products that could be made at home if they didn't want to pay taxes.
Nurum ยท 21 points ยท Posted at 03:10:13 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
A few days ago someone on Facebook did the "well I don't need a white male to mansplain things to me". She REALLY didn't like it when I responded with "well I wouldn't expect a woman to understand anyways"
elconquistador1985 ยท 15 points ยท Posted at 04:59:30 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
There are better ways to handle that than reinforcing what they already think.
AlmightyRuler ยท 12 points ยท Posted at 05:35:46 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
True, but if they're not willing to listen to begin with nor are they inclined to be civil, why should we be obligated to take the high road instead of saying whatever shuts them the hell up? I'll agree it's counterproductive and juvenile, but there's only so much time in this life and we can't spend needless amounts of it on assholes with closed minds.
BatmanBrah ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 05:47:38 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
This. These people are not worth gracefulness or higher ground.
elconquistador1985 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:05:37 on September 18, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
It's counterproductive and juvenile and doesn't accomplish anything. It's just trying to get the last word in as if f doing so means you've won. Just walk away and move on with your life.
HippieKillerHoeDown ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 06:42:51 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
shoulda went with "listen"
BuildTheWalls ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 05:07:23 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
The word is so hypocritically sexist.
HippieKillerHoeDown ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 06:35:51 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Fuck me, the same idiots that "mansplain" also do it to other men that let them get away with it....But these egocentric idiots have convinced themselves that it's men doing it to women, they are basically the analogue to the idiot guy everyone hates anyway
Kain222 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 13:21:02 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I don't think the term helps anything as it's pretty charged, but the phenomenon does exist.
It's less the idea of a man being unable to explain things to a woman without being sexist (suggesting so would be ludicrous) and more about the occasions where a woman is doing something, a man comes up and attempts to "help" without reading the telltale signs that said woman is already adept at it. They assume the woman doing that thing must be a novice due to their social preconceptions.
Brym ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 04:01:50 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
There needs to be an official Godwin's law corollary that applies whenever someone invokes [x]splaining.
Gonzobot ยท -1 points ยท Posted at 10:59:32 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Mansplaining is just explaining being done by a man, which is automatically him being sexist because feminist women are fucking crazy. Not like everybody is perfectly capable of not knowing a thing and needing it to be explained to them...
[deleted] ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 02:27:19 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
r/TumblrInAction is leaking
[deleted] ยท 7 points ยท Posted at 04:33:04 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
[deleted]
ironappleseed ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 07:05:19 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
ะฒะพะดั.
Pronounced vody.
moon--moon ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 08:12:59 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Any etymological relation to Vodka?
pro-amateur ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 13:17:19 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Vod - ka: little water!
ironappleseed ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:10:40 on September 18, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
vodka is literally just the pronunciation of ะฒะพะดะบะฐ.
Its the same in both languages since its sourced from russian.
[deleted] ยท -7 points ยท Posted at 04:42:23 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
[deleted]
stratoglide ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 04:55:36 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Your generalizing a lot of people with that one statement....
theoreticaldickjokes ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 02:15:21 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Don't let them take our word, fuckboy. I need that word. It perfectly describes certain men.
arbalete ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 10:29:54 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
There's three sides to every story, the tumblr side, the reddit side, and the truth.
Cristo_Kennedy ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 12:50:29 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Yep op said something silly, she didn't take it well so she says something jokingly back. Then war.
PunkJackal ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 00:29:36 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Shrekt
nimbycile ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 04:41:00 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
"Do you want to know the rest of my name? It's Hugh Mungus"
TexasWithADollarsign ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 07:27:41 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Hugh G. Rection
philliefanatic9 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 05:19:49 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
HUMONGOUS WHAT?!?
mightybonk ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 07:54:20 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Ahh, so she was projecting.
ceazah ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 04:47:24 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
so they were part of the group?
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:24:08 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
No - they were going to the same show and vaguely knew one of the friends of friends from work so they wandered over.
chumly143 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 09:16:19 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
So you were striking a righteous blow for justice?
Criplor ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 09:23:36 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Interesting fact: the etymology of the word woman is actually not sexest. Man used to strictly mean person and the prefix used to be pronounced slightly differently. But the definition of man shifted to mean people or males and the word for woman did not.
RegalGoat ยท -6 points ยท Posted at 23:37:10 on September 16, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Ah. Feminazi. Great people, really.
astrobeans ยท -14 points ยท Posted at 00:26:32 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
/r/justneckbeardthings
RegalGoat ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 07:27:03 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Well, it's a better descriptor for this view than SJW. Not sure how this makes me a neckbeard though lol. Surely a neckbeard would white knight leap to her defence?
astrobeans ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:22:18 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
/r/justneckbeardthings
[deleted] ยท -5 points ยท Posted at 23:58:37 on September 16, 2016 ยท (Permalink)*
/r/thathappened
edit: ya ok someone who happened to be literally reddit's biggest fear was also super bitchy for no reason, except the reason was actually because she's reddit's biggest fear
no way this story could be made up
nope
GraveyardGuide ยท 10 points ยท Posted at 00:52:12 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
/r/nothingeverhappens
[deleted] ยท -4 points ยท Posted at 01:09:14 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Considering that I've never heard anyone use the word wymyn unironically
MacDerfus ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:15:42 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
does it matter if it is?
[deleted] ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 02:26:39 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I mean, honestly? This particular thing, on its own, is whatever.
I do think that this website often has a really skewed, unfair view of feminism that's largely colored by /r/tumblrinaction and informed by a complete lack of familiarity with feminist theory. I also think that's kind of a problem, if only because it constitutes a large group of people making a philosophical decision based on incomplete information.
silverdevilboy ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 04:41:21 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Feminism isn't the problem. Hence the distinguishing of the feminist from the feminazi. Feminists are fine. The tumblr culture of misandry is disgusting, and the loud obnoxious people who spread out to the rest of the internet and try and 'educate' people on the 'truth' they read on tumblr are even worse. Telling vets what PTSD is like, making up lies to get housemates kicked out of college because they dared to have sex with a man, the whole vaccine bullshit and the haes bullshit. They are literally killing people. Quite literally.
[deleted] ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 05:01:29 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Thiiiis is pretty much exactly what I'm talking about, actually.
silverdevilboy ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 05:39:05 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
What, where my view of feminism isn't tarnished by shitty people in a shitty subculture that identify as feminists? They are shitty people. Both my examples happened and are avid tumblr users. Not all of tumblr is like this, but tumblr is even more self selecting than reddit, so the echo chamber created around misandry and anti-privilege is unusually large and obnoxious. Feminazi is a term referring to someone who calls themself a feminist but acts like a nazi.
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 14:22:15 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
basically
Is something I can't be 100% sure of without you giving me examples, but are likely what I was talking about with the comple lack of familiarity with feminist theory. Chances are, you've neither heard nor cared to look for the justifications behind basic third wave ideas.
Then there's the whole expanding shitty actions of literally two people to an entire movement--third wave feminism, or "feminazis" as reddit likes to call them--and ascribing fringe viewpoints to said movement.
silverdevilboy ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:47:01 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)*
No, those are examples. There are many more. The mansplaining bullshit where people who claim to support gender equality use a gendered derogatory term, that male tears meme, the fragile masculinity meme, the fact that one of these groups successfully stopped several laws against the rape of men from being passed, the ridiculous debate over false rape claims and the same group shutting down a law to protect the identity of the accused until the verdict.
Large groups of people, all of whom have admitted links with tumblr and have pages on tumblr, have acted in shameful and harmful ways, which have nothing to do with equality and everything to do with misandry. I do not associate them with feminism, despite their claim to be feminists. Just like we don't associate the nazi party with socialism, despite it being in the name.
If you want proof that these tumblrinas are nothing to do with third wave feminism, just look at the gender identity debate. Third wave feminism is extremely anti-gender identity and gender roles, with the principle that who you are as a person is irrelevant to your physical sex or your sexuality. Tumblr's groups, on the other hand, are pro gender identity but want to widen the variety of identities. Similar problem, (people aren't defined by sex), utterly different solution.
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:06:15 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Hoof
Friend, you should take a course in critical theory. You're wrong on several counts.
silverdevilboy ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:58:07 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I have done. Explain how. Your current argument consists of 'nuh-uh', I'm not sure you have room to criticise.
[deleted] ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 17:04:56 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Explaining how exactly you're wrong would involve untangling a ton of shit that your argument stands on and presupposes and would take waaaaaay too much effort on my part. I don't want to.
silverdevilboy ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 17:39:24 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
"nuh-uhhhh".
You have made no legitimate point at at any time, you attempted to strawman my position, and tried twice to make me seem anti-feminist despite explicit statements of the opposite.
If theres anyone here who needs a critical thinking class, it's the one who has failed to use any of the principles taught. Address the argument that exists, not the one you wish existed, or you're not going to change anyone's opinion since you're not talking about the same thing. Make positive arguments towards your own point, not just negative ones about the other person, or you can never convince anyone you are right, or end the argument.
[deleted] ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 17:42:13 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Critical theory isn't critical thinking.
I'm not in an argument with you. This is not a debate; I've stated my viewpoint and why I don't want to argue with yours. End of.
(Sidenote: if we're going to do that dumb internet argument thing where we go hurr durr u used a fallacy so ur wrong, the whole ""feminazis"" =! feminists thing is a pretty textbook no true scotsman.)
silverdevilboy ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:27:15 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)*
Fair enough, I was not aware of the former, though I fail to see how modern issues from an internet community can gain much from the context of the culture and historical context of 'right now and on the internet'. The culture generated is the problem I am talking about, so that doesn't help, and I already addressed how the self-selecting echo chamber of tumblr contributes to their attitude, and they live in the same era and mostly in the same part of the world I do, so I don't need to adjust my viewpoint to understand the issues they face.
No, it's not anything to do with the no true scotsman thing. Because nobody is making a claim about all feminists. The only claim being made is about the misandrists that try and legitimise their bullshit by pretending to be feminists. Again, I am not confusing the assholes from the misandrist community of tumblr with feminism in any form. That community is explicitly anti-equality, so by definition they are not feminists. They just claim to be.
My entire argument is: There exist a community of assholes, many collected in a community on tumblr, with horrific misandrist principles that have acted on them in horrible ways in real life. I backed this up with several examples of how this culture have acted in real life, which have forced them into public notice. They universally try to justify their actions with the claim of feminist principles, despite not being driven by the desire for equality. These people, who call themselves feminists but act purely driven by hate, are what is generally meant by the term feminazi.
There are stupid people who call any feminist they don't like a feminazi, just as there are people who call any form of socialism a 'commie', just as there are people who call anyone who tries to think logically about politics a 'cuck'. People stupidly misusing a term doesn't change its purpose. feminazis are hateful people who claim to be feminists to justify their actions, just as nazis were hateful people who claimed to be socialists to justify their actions.
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:33:05 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
This is a misunderstanding. You should read more into why these viewpoints exist and their justifications; googling a course on critical theory and perusing the syllabus will help you. I'm leaving it at that. Stop replying to me, please.
silverdevilboy ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:44:52 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
When one of the groups successfully campaigns to prevent the rape of a male by a female being made illegal, there is no misunderstanding. When their usual argument is 'you're a man, you have no right to an opinion on this', there is no misunderstanding. They have campaigned against every equality initiative that does not strictly harm men, even when it would benefit everyone, like preventing men who are not convicted of rape being splashed across newspapers as soon as they are accused.
DGlen ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 00:59:09 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Oh I know that chick we used to bang. By that I mean I metaphorically raped her by having a penis. You did too.
silverdevilboy ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 04:35:22 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I'll take obscure House quotes for 25.
_Valisk ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 04:46:03 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Actual quote, for anyone interested:
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:27:22 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I should have committed fart rape.
fuck-dat-shit-up ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 04:17:17 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Wymyn? You talking chicks with dicks?
No_stop_signs ยท -3 points ยท Posted at 01:55:38 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
She's going to be salty for 8 years when Trump wins, lol.
ThunderCuuuunt ยท -1 points ยท Posted at 05:22:45 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Or maybe you just sounded like an asshole, and she didn't want to talk to you.
[deleted] ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 18:33:53 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Actually, I think she over heard this guy named Frank going on about giving Anita Hill (IIRC... it was way back in the early 90's) a Dirty Sanchez and thought it was me doing the talking.
But the stupid cunt was wrong, not to mention has a name that rhymes with "Chlamydia."
ThunderCuuuunt ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:19:38 on September 18, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
So she had a totally understandable, albeit mistaken, reason to think you're an asshole, but she's the "stupid cunt" in this story? Maybe you really are an asshole after all!
[deleted] ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 13:27:12 on September 18, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Stupid cunt.
Azuresk-BINGE ยท 9 points ยท Posted at 05:05:38 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
"could be worse. I could be a bitch named Lydia"
uofmike ยท 11 points ยท Posted at 04:29:17 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
This is the dumbest fucking comeback I've ever heard and I can't stop laughing. It's brilliant. There's nothing you can say in response to that.
[deleted] ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 18:24:49 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I know. The brilliance is in its utter idiocy.
DownWithTheShip ยท 7 points ยท Posted at 23:58:59 on September 16, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
In a bar setting, with a drink in your hand, that's a very good comeback.
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:28:30 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
It was some dive bar in the Remington part of Baltimore.
lunaticlove ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 03:02:05 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
lmaao tfw your name is Lydia and chlamydia is literally the only word your name rhymes with
[deleted] ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 17:21:34 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Tree fiddya?
BabyTea ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 10:50:35 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Does anyone else hear Paul Rudd saying this awkwardly, or Seth Rogan? In some fun little comedy about getting back on your feet after a bad break-up? With weed involved? And a gay best friend?
chileheadd ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:15:37 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
My first thought would have been "well, since you spend so much time with your head up your ass, you're probably an authority."
Luhood ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 11:57:44 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
"Better to sound like an asshole than to be one."
Golden-Sun ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:36:05 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
That's great, it sounds so childish but it's great :D
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:31:27 on September 18, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
My friends have used "Lydia Chlamydia" before on a mutual friend. Still savage as fuck.
relatablerobot ยท -6 points ยท Posted at 02:02:07 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I once behaved pretty disgustingly in a drunken state in front of some girl on the street while talking to a friend I ran into (the were in line for a bar next to each other). She saw me off with "You're an asshole" to which I replied "And you're dressed like a whore".
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:25:52 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Drunks that pass in the night.
[deleted] ยท 970 points ยท Posted at 18:30:08 on September 16, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Where'd you get your clothes, the toilet store?
passthatdutch425 ยท 309 points ยท Posted at 18:45:05 on September 16, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Yeah, I didn't want to make you jealous. I know you can't afford anything there.
coffeesalad ยท 465 points ยท Posted at 20:22:00 on September 16, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Shit's expensive man
Mr-Marshmallow ยท 9 points ยท Posted at 00:24:16 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
rimshot
stingray20201 ยท 12 points ยท Posted at 00:40:15 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Gross, aim for the bowl next time, asshole
Fallen_Angel96 ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 04:49:57 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Fuck, why do I keep flushing mine then!?!?
TheGuyfromRiften ยท -5 points ยท Posted at 00:16:06 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Pun intended?
coffeesalad ยท 8 points ยท Posted at 00:19:28 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Of course
comfortablesexuality ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 22:44:25 on September 16, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
savage
waltjrimmer ยท 7 points ยท Posted at 01:45:59 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
No, you idiot! I bought it from the Soup store!
YaBoyMax ยท 10 points ยท Posted at 04:45:23 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
WHY ARE YOU BUYING CLOTHES AT THE SOUP STORE?!?
shadow0416 ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 04:53:58 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
FUCK YOU
lt_skittles ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 01:02:51 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I thought you knew a shortcut.
[deleted] ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 01:37:02 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Okay!
moal09 ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 05:57:00 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Hey the jerk store called.
babyrobotman ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 07:17:14 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)*
Dorothy Mantooth is a Saint, y'hear me?! A SAINT!
CoffeeMetalandBone ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 07:44:30 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Put the grenade down, Brick.
thematabot ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 22:20:52 on September 16, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
This is a reference to something, someone hook me up? I saw OMAM reference it in a video yesterday
[deleted] ยท 7 points ยท Posted at 22:29:53 on September 16, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Anchorman
thematabot ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 22:30:40 on September 16, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Omg I've watched that movie...
Ach well good excuse as any to go back and rewatch em eh?
mkizys ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:01:54 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Rekt
Larry-Man ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 04:47:04 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I shop for clothes at the soup store.
StretchyPlays ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:42:13 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Yea well the jerk store called and said they're running out of YOU!
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 07:59:23 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Didn't you kill a guy with a trident?
fperez25 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:09:26 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Someone said that to me when I got new glasses, I promptly responded with, "Why? Cuz they're the shit?"
Beccy477 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 09:17:26 on September 18, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Classic brick!
AlaWyrm ยท 126 points ยท Posted at 01:44:24 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I heard this second hand, but I feel it is worth sharing. A guy we'll call Mr. Big, who was known in his circle of friends to be very well endowed, was accosted by his girlfriend's ex boyfriend. The guy confronted him and after he was sure he had everyone's attention asked, "How do you like my sloppy seconds?" Mr Big calmly raised his hand for a high five and said, "thanks for the pilot hole bro!"
moejoereddit ยท 9 points ยท Posted at 04:51:08 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
What's a pilot hole?
Haterade6969 ยท 53 points ยท Posted at 04:59:22 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
A hole drilled in wood so a larger screw can fit without splitting the wood
moejoereddit ยท -28 points ยท Posted at 05:02:35 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I still feel like the back story of the friends enormous Wang was unnecessary. Cock 'mirin i guess.
GigaPuddi ยท 13 points ยท Posted at 11:40:28 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
The idea is that a pilot hole is tiny. So Big D was implying that his dick was way bigger so he didn't care about seconds.
[deleted] ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 11:34:07 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
... I'm sure the girl loved both those comments lol
Meisje28 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 12:16:06 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
She felt brand new after the first inch.
spacemanspiff30 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 13:48:51 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Is his name Hector the Well Endowed?
[deleted] ยท 479 points ยท Posted at 22:09:41 on September 16, 2016 ยท (Permalink)*
"You get the same adrenaline rush from a buffet that EMTs get from a suicide bombing; you can't figure out what to pick up first."
I think I actually saw it on here, but I can't remember where.*Found it. Fixed hyperlink and edited to match original.
**Formatting is hard
***Damn formatting on mobile! Changed to np link
Tossallthethings ยท 10 points ยท Posted at 01:41:27 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
You start at one end and keep going back till you're full?
_idkidc_ ยท 20 points ยท Posted at 01:54:03 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
The meal is not over when you're full, it's over when you hate yourself
erindalc ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 06:44:59 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
For those wondering, this is a quote from Louis C.K.
Edit: Phone sucks. Twice.
[deleted] ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 05:29:23 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I didn't know EMTs were cannibals, but it makes sense I guess.
ItCameFromImgur ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 06:38:20 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Gets rekt into next year
Togonnagetsomerando ยท 549 points ยท Posted at 18:02:37 on September 16, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
"Now I know why your last boyfriend was suicidal"
All I see next is a assault from a 5 feet tall girl to a 6 foot tall guy. A Black eye, busted lip and security rushing into the campus library later he was single and her getting escorted out
waltjrimmer ยท 23 points ยท Posted at 02:01:08 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Ooh, I love this one! But probably because it's relatable. I have an ex I should have said this to. We're actually the same height as the couple in this story too...
Togonnagetsomerando ยท 21 points ยท Posted at 02:12:21 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I feel like in my experience the short girls I meet tend to be a little bit crazier but i'm also south asian where greater population of females tend to be shorter
waltjrimmer ยท 10 points ยท Posted at 02:16:41 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I live in what appears to be a short area of the US. Most of the women are around 5'. They consider 5'4" to be tall for a woman around here. And I will agree, there's a lot of crazy.
ShmuckDestroyer ยท 28 points ยท Posted at 05:52:07 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
The shortest ones are closer to hell, so they're a little meaner with every inch closer they get.
SpyderEyez ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:16:16 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
As a short person, we're only mean because you keep bringing up the fact that we're short.
ShmuckDestroyer ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 21:02:42 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I am short and I can confirm it's the hell thing
CommandersLog ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 05:51:30 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Not trying to figure out your personal details, but whereabouts are all these short chicks?
waltjrimmer ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 05:59:17 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I'm in the continental US. To be more specific, west of the Atlantic, east of the Pacific.
CommandersLog ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 06:08:01 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Fine, hog all the short chicks!
waltjrimmer ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 06:10:52 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)*
Trust me, I don't want them. There are plenty of short, uppity... I'm going to stop talking before I start going into some really bad words. But there are plenty of those girls all over. I'm sure you'll find some if you look for them.
Edit: To clarify, I don't actually have anything against short people whatsoever. I've just had some really bad experiences lately. And by lately I mean over the past ten years.
NightGod ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 09:44:42 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Good sir, pray tell me where I could find this magical place.
marr ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 09:07:07 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Your takeaway from this is you should poke someone in their deepest psychological scars?
clutchdeve ยท 41 points ยท Posted at 23:01:32 on September 16, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Hopefully she was escorted out in handcuffs
Togonnagetsomerando ยท 70 points ยท Posted at 00:41:14 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
she was charged and had to do community service for little bit
Uhura_Sits_Backwards ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 20:05:36 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
.....for little bit. 'cause she was short?
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 22:42:31 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Probably only got into a little bit of trouble.
Uhura_Sits_Backwards ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 03:06:29 on September 18, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
For a very short amount of time.
HotDealsInTexas ยท 13 points ยท Posted at 03:43:03 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
...a woman?
...facing consequences for violence towarads a man?
nah.
Kazan ยท 23 points ยท Posted at 06:01:34 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
except OP says she did
Rolendahl ยท 13 points ยท Posted at 08:10:25 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Community service for a little bit isn't shit.
Kazan ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 14:39:47 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
And yet it is not an uncommon sentence for minor assaults. A minor slap on the wrist for a minor slap on the face.
Rolendahl ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 16:11:25 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Idk if a black eye and busted lip count as a minor slap on the face. I mean apparently it does, but seems a bit illogical. Not even a fine? If a guy did that the fucker would be in jail for at least a year.
Kazan ยท -4 points ยท Posted at 16:37:32 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Yeah totally, when a convicted rapist gets out in 3 months your hypothetical dude would totally have been in jail for a year... mmhmm..
you poor poor oppressed little fuccboi
Rolendahl ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 17:03:07 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
lol okay I'll edit my post to say "If a guy that is middle class or below did that he'd be in jail for at least a year." Would that make you happy? Class inequality and gender inequality are two completely different subjects, and I'm confused as to how you mixed them up.
Kazan ยท -1 points ยท Posted at 17:04:18 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Oh so you're going to claim that because class inequality was involved that you can hand wave it away to avoid admitting that your persecution complex is bullshit?
sounds about what i expect
Rolendahl ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 17:16:06 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)*
I really don't understand how you came to that conclusion. My original comment was about how women are treated differently then men when it comes to assault charges, which they are. It's a fact. (Also known as gender inequality which is apparent in many other aspects of life)
Then you tried to derail the conversation to talk about how a Stanford boy got only 3 months for a convicted rape. (Also known as class inequality)
I don't understand how you think I'm "waving it away". I mean do you want have a debate about it or what? Because my opinion on rapists is they should be raped themselves.
And persecution complex? Where at all in my comments did I imply I was being persecuted?
best-narcissist ยท 8 points ยท Posted at 06:15:21 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
If he doesn't defend himself or even restrain her, even if she uses a weapon, and there are many witnesses, then he does have a decent chance of being ok.
But he if acts at all human then he'd be the one arrested.
boomheadshot7 ยท -2 points ยท Posted at 01:54:23 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Hahahahahahahaha, oh that's cute.
Shin-LaC ยท -8 points ยท Posted at 23:58:13 on September 16, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
You know she wasn't.
villin609 ยท 15 points ยท Posted at 00:17:18 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Do you?
Stick_With_Beard ยท 20 points ยท Posted at 22:28:58 on September 16, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
That's not only brutal, that's pretty mean. I mean the girl might have been emotionally unstable about that, and the guy might have opened wounds. That's not cool.
DMBumper ยท 30 points ยท Posted at 01:17:09 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Savage doesn't mean cool in any sense of the word.
Stick_With_Beard ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 22:33:37 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Of course it doesn't. But as I replied to other comments, I think that the guy just went too far. There's a limit you don't cross, especially when talking about dead people who someone used to love or care about. In this case, I'm not saying I agree with the reaction, but I understand it and I can't guarantee I wouldn't have had the same.
MrShartsHimself ยท 15 points ยท Posted at 00:52:54 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Savage comeback โ nice
Gabe_Noodle_At_Volvo ยท 138 points ยท Posted at 00:22:13 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
What's not cool is assaulting someone for hurting your feelings.
[deleted] ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 02:13:31 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
[deleted]
HotDealsInTexas ยท 48 points ยท Posted at 03:43:36 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Okay, imagine that with the genders reversed and see how you feel about it.
Nosfermarki ยท 13 points ยท Posted at 07:25:21 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I have a friend whose father died when he was 11. He struggled with it a lot because he never felt masculine enough to gain his approval. Now he's a big dude. 6'5, 280. My ex girlfriend is 5'3, 110. At a time that I wasn't in contact with either of them, they were friends. She would get shitty drunk and "play" fight him which she enjoyed because she could go all out without hurting him.
One night, they're both hammered. He goes out to a car to sleep it off in the backseat when she decides it's time to "play". She's slapping him, shaking him trying to get him to wake up while he's telling her to fuck off. Then she decided the thing to say was "it's a good thing your dad's not around to see what a pathetic piece of shit you are," and he beat the shit out of her.
She had it coming. And I'm also a woman.
Supercoolguy7 ยท 10 points ยท Posted at 05:49:50 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
can we just agree that both are bad?
Kazan ยท 9 points ยท Posted at 06:02:15 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
We do, I think HotDeals was just trying to illustrate the immaturity and double standards of 35420
[deleted] ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 04:04:55 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)*
[deleted]
Zerichon ยท -12 points ยท Posted at 06:00:30 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
And she deserves to rot in prison for her assault.
DrGhostfire ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 06:23:00 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
No wtf reddit. This is a single action during the heat of the moment, grow the fuck up. This is not equatable, to taking all the feelings and fun away from her, removing the people she would have met, the love she would have found. For one mistake, it's just crazy people could think that's justic.
marr ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 08:59:54 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
It was a female striking a superior gender. You expect context and proportional reactions from the 4chan kids?
marr ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 08:54:26 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Okay, imagine that with the genders reversed and see how you feel about it.
arghhmonsters ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 08:24:21 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I would still be cool about it.
Gabe_Noodle_At_Volvo ยท 16 points ยท Posted at 03:06:33 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Are you compensating for something?
[deleted] ยท -13 points ยท Posted at 03:13:57 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
[deleted]
Kazan ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 06:02:31 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Because clearly, you are.
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 13:05:20 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
[deleted]
Kazan ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 14:39:24 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
How pathetic of a loser you are
[deleted] ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 14:49:07 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)*
[deleted]
Kazan ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 14:52:15 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
no. violence should not be considered the risk of speaking your mind. it is a risk of being in the presence of immature fuckwads like you and her.
[deleted] ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 14:52:53 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
[deleted]
Kazan ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 14:55:25 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Then you need to watch your phrasing because you've been implying that it is the victims fault when they get assaulted.
Recidivist- ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 12:18:01 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
It glares.
F19Drummer ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 04:52:05 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Totally rational mentality, that right there.
[deleted] ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 04:54:59 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
[deleted]
marr ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 09:01:07 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Like you've ever been tested.
Stick_With_Beard ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 22:30:29 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Again, not saying I agree with her reaction, but someone talks shit about someone I loved/love/cared/care for, I kick his ass. Male or female or attack helicopter, I don't care. There's a limit not to cross.
Gabe_Noodle_At_Volvo ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 16:08:15 on September 18, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
If you're so much of a pussy that you get your feelings hurt by someone shit talking, then you're too much of a pussy to assault them.
Stick_With_Beard ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 20:43:42 on September 19, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Maybe if you weren't so willing to show everyone about the size of your dick, we could have a nice discussion?
Edit: grammar
Gabe_Noodle_At_Volvo ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 21:18:37 on September 19, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I'm not trying to compare epeens. Calling somone a pussy =/= boasting.
Mr-Marshmallow ยท 14 points ยท Posted at 00:25:25 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
sure but it's still savage af
Stick_With_Beard ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 22:31:35 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
It is savage, but I think it's too much. You don't talk shit about people and I understand why she would kick his ass for that. I probably would have done the same, even though right now, trying to be objective, I don't agree with her reaction.
[deleted] ยท 15 points ยท Posted at 01:29:59 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)*
[removed]
Sendhelplater ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 04:34:08 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
One person doing something shitty doesn't make the second person's actions less shitty. They're both just shitty.
blackhole885 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 08:15:53 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
but at the same time you need to realise theres a huge difference in attacking someone physically and attacking someone verbally
Sendhelplater ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:42:03 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
That's obvious. Her reaction doesn't make his statement any less shitty than it would be perceived if she hadn't attacked him, and that's what people seem to be missing.
Quachyyy ยท 11 points ยท Posted at 04:44:35 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I mean this thread is about savage comebacks, not "oh lol" comebacks. I didn't know there was a "you're a meanie that was too mean" limit. Talk shit get hit.
Stick_With_Beard ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 22:34:43 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
No need to play tough, dude. This is about basic respect around people who lost other people.
Zerichon ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 06:03:08 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Have fun in prison then.
Quachyyy ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 06:07:24 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Wait, am I going to prison for being a meanie or am I going to have fun being a meanie in prison? Assuming I somehow end up there.
Fosheasy ยท 32 points ยท Posted at 00:38:29 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Soo are you saying her assaulting the man was ok?
redarxx ยท 27 points ยท Posted at 02:09:11 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Okay I think at this point Reddit is just trying to pull a gender reversal argument for the sake of berating the chick for fighting him, if another guy said that to me (I'm a guy) about my ex girlfriend I don't care how immature or "unintelligent" you think it is I'll kick his ass
SidewalkEnforcer ยท 11 points ยท Posted at 03:42:42 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Makes it sound like the savage dude is then-current bf talking to then-gf, so reverse the roles in that scenario.
Zerichon ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 06:01:44 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
And I'd enjoy watching you hauled out in cuffs.
[deleted] ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 03:39:02 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
ok... well enjoy being emotionally underdeveloped and the jail-time.
marr ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 09:03:07 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Ever been on suicide watch for someone you love?
[deleted] ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 17:51:06 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Relevance?
Stick_With_Beard ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 22:28:48 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Both reactions were uncalled for, not regarding genders. The guy shouldn't have crossed that line (because yes, in my opinion (if there's someone out there who gives a shit about my opinion), there are limits you don't cross, even when burning someone, but I guess that's my education), and the girl certainly shouldn't have gone physical about that. But I understand the reaction, even though I do not agree with it.
Fosheasy ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 22:31:44 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
The problem with it is that the reaction that even you give is that you understand her reaction. If genders were swapped and the man beat the shit out of the girl. Not ome person would say his reaction is understandable.
Stick_With_Beard ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 22:39:17 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Can't agree with you. True, most people would think that beating a girl is taboo (and I believe that's a completely different topic), but you talk shit about my dead grandpa, don't expect me to sit there and say nothing. Girl or boy, I would have reacted. Maybe not by assaulting, maybe I would have warned once before, but there would have been a response regardless of the gender.
Fosheasy ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 22:48:12 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Eh. I think we both have gotten too far off topic and are not understanding each other well enough to have a fruitful discussion on this.
Stick_With_Beard ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 22:58:00 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Sorry about that. Blame it on my English ;)
MacDerfus ยท -2 points ยท Posted at 01:31:26 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Just retaliating for that dagger.
keRyJ ยท -7 points ยท Posted at 00:58:58 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Did he say that?
I don't think he said that.
Fosheasy ยท 7 points ยท Posted at 01:03:52 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Thats the reason i asked for him to clarify since that is what he seems to be implying.
keRyJ ยท -9 points ยท Posted at 01:05:29 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
No it isn't. They both acted rudely, one with his words and the other with her fists. It's not one or the other
Fosheasy ยท 10 points ยท Posted at 01:40:19 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
So if a guy viciously mauled a woman because she mouthed off you and everyone else likely wouldnt be saying tit for tat...
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 12:57:52 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
[deleted]
Stick_With_Beard ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 22:35:54 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Agreed. But still, in my opinion, there are some lines you don't cross. What's the point in hitting the girl back, if she was being abusive, if you end up as, or more, abusive than she was?
bless_ure_harte ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 00:52:57 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
That's a lime you shouldn't ever cross.
Stick_With_Beard ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 22:32:10 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Upvote for the reference.
bless_ure_harte ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 23:10:15 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Huh
marr ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 08:56:15 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)*
Good on her. That was some self inflicted injury.
Yes, the punch was escalation, but words-can-never-hurt-me is bullshit, she had a grief scar, he knew about it and ripped it open. That's inflicting more pain than a split lip. It's worse than throwing a punch because it's not a thing you can do in blind rage, it takes intelligence and considered intent.
LukesLikeIt ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 00:24:16 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
So he got assaulted and was the one escorted out?
MacDerfus ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 01:32:00 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
"her getting escorted out"
LukesLikeIt ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 03:22:35 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
My bad missed that.
Hagrizzle ยท 860 points ยท Posted at 21:00:22 on September 16, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
My girlfriend's friend just recently got divorced. A few days after the divorce was final her ex-husband contacted her to finalize some things like cellphone contracts and such - well the new boyfriend (the guy she cheated on her husband with) texted on her phone saying to never contact her again or he will come to the ex's work and "settle the matter"
Ex-husband didn't skip a beat and said "I don't want to fight you. I know her family doesn't like you but don't worry, her dad called me and I put in a good word for you".
I about shat a brick when I heard the story. The ex husband is normally quiet and reserved and that savage of a response is totally out of character. Good for him though.
SergDerpz ยท 237 points ยท Posted at 23:04:02 on September 16, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Is it bad that I don't understand the "her dad called me and I put in a good word for you" :( Can someone explain it to me?
Blu3Army73 ยท 653 points ยท Posted at 23:55:20 on September 16, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
It's implying that this man was close enough to his in-laws that they would have called him out of concern/outrage/support for him that their daughter had cheated on him and was divorcing him to be with her lover. The jab is that while the woman's lover was trying to be dominant and pick a fight over the woman (despite it not even remotely being called for) the ex husband replies with what is essentially "no, because everyone else already hates you and I already had to make her father be OK with you." Implying everyone else sides with the ex-husband
RithyH ยท 39 points ยท Posted at 02:43:51 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
And also that he doesn't have time for this shit because in the end he is better off.
MeerkatAttack ยท 18 points ยท Posted at 05:46:46 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Yeah I took it as "She's your problem now" lol
Uhura_Sits_Backwards ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 06:48:25 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Excellent explanation.
dondox ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 06:34:51 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
And if they do like him, he has the ex husband to thank for it.
[deleted] ยท -2 points ยท Posted at 05:52:11 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I thought it was more "oh no bro I'm trying to help"
Awesomehood ยท 12 points ยท Posted at 23:47:39 on September 16, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I could be wrong but it could be that he is on such great terms with the dad and dads usually don't like boyfriends or husbands of their daughter
arivin12 ยท 14 points ยท Posted at 23:39:22 on September 16, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
The implication is that the husband doesn't give a fuck about his ex-wife.
MisterSith ยท 20 points ยท Posted at 00:40:09 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
But also that he still has a good relationship with his ex's family, and will always have more respect that the other dude
NatWilo ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 06:58:53 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
It's super emasculating. He just tried to alpha-male him and throw in the ex's face, yet again that he stole his woman. Dude not only didn't react, but told him that every gain he makes with the woman's family will be because the ex made it possible.
mightybonk ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 08:06:34 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
"I control your social-standing, tough guy."
But I agree, the guy trying to start a fight over text probably didn't put it all together as a jibe.
Easy_Shade ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 23:31:36 on September 16, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
This, so much.
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 13:12:05 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I think it's like a 'you will always be the OTHER guy' type thing.
CrustyGoon ยท -6 points ยท Posted at 10:35:29 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
no u fucking idiot. he did skip a beat. they were texting. fucking are these people too stupid? all of you using the same damn template for an "OH SHIT" story....
badlydrawnjohn35 ยท -10 points ยท Posted at 05:32:28 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Is that how hipsters argue?
GlorifiedBurito ยท 9 points ยท Posted at 05:54:27 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I don't think you know what a hipster is.
CosmicRuin ยท 2102 points ยท Posted at 17:49:06 on September 16, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
One of my favorites from history by Winston Churchill, who was accused by one of the female MP's of being 'disgustingly drunk.' Churchill responded: "My dear, you are ugly, and whatโs more, you are disgustingly ugly. But tomorrow I shall be sober and you will still be disgustingly ugly."
dUc0N ยท 174 points ยท Posted at 01:04:28 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Churchill had great ones.
A Member of Parliament: Mr. Churchill, must you fall asleep while I'm speaking?
Churchill: No, it's purely voluntary.
[deleted] ยท 1864 points ยท Posted at 18:36:19 on September 16, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Churchill was king of destructive commentary.
A fav of mine is when Lady Astor told Churchill if he were her husband she would put poison in his tea, to which he replied, "if you were my wife, I'd drink it."
ninbushido ยท 1020 points ยท Posted at 23:33:07 on September 16, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
"The best argument against democracy is a 5-minute conversation with the average voter."
[deleted] ยท 55 points ยท Posted at 03:49:30 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
[deleted]
curiouslyendearing ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 07:02:24 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Thanks for the story. TIL.
silencesc ยท 10 points ยท Posted at 04:23:59 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
That's only half the quote though, he goes on to say that despite the ignorance of the average voter, we haven't found anything better
not_a_toaster ยท 21 points ยท Posted at 05:33:53 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Wasn't it something like "Democracy is the worst possible system of government, except for all the others"?
runetrantor ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 06:04:15 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Which depending on who you ask, can be interpreted as 'It's shit, but we have nothing better yet' or as a 'got anything better?' to those that complain about it.
fks_gvn ยท 8 points ยท Posted at 05:40:23 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Along the same lines"Think of how stupid the average person is, then realize half of them are stupider than that."
neutronfish ยท 79 points ยท Posted at 02:14:11 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Cases in point, Brexit and the 2016 US presidential election.
alexmikli ยท 17 points ยท Posted at 04:45:59 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Everyday we stray further from Bernie's light.
neutronfish ยท 15 points ยท Posted at 04:54:46 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
We don't have to worship St. Bernie, but we can start by doing things like not saying "we've had enough experts with their facts and figures," not voting just to spite some politician we don't like, and nominating someone other than, to quote a popular meme, Orange Hitler and Grandma Nixon for such an important job.
Ethanextinction ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 13:17:34 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I wouldn't call the US presidential election democracy. Considering the electoral college and the fact that Hillary has paid the participants ahead of time for a victory, I don't know what I would call it. Maybe oligarchy? Maybe corporate dictatorship by the Clinton foundation? Idk. Not democracy though.
neutronfish ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 04:35:08 on September 18, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
And you have copies of the checks cleared by those chosen to serve on the electoral college to call this a fact?
runhaterand ยท 23 points ยท Posted at 02:25:08 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Trump 2016.
sunsnap ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 02:51:04 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Hillary 2016.
[deleted] ยท 29 points ยท Posted at 03:51:15 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
2016
coffee_machine_ ยท 7 points ยท Posted at 03:58:24 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
2012: reborn
megagreg ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 04:52:54 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Cooper 2016.
Dason37 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:28:26 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I hate myself and the world I live in, because while that link was opening I was trying to figure out who the fuck this chick was that was the latest independent candidate.
megagreg ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 21:31:58 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
The greatest patriot you could hope to run for office.
RafTheKillJoy ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 07:18:46 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Lizurd* 2016
Cpt_Tripps ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 07:53:04 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Obama God-King Forever!
I'mARepublican
the_communist ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:35:03 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
"The best argument against Reddit is a 5-minute conversation with the average Redditor."
FTFY
natufian ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 04:48:47 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
47 percent of Americans can't be persuaded to take personal responsibility, and half are a basket of deplorables.
DavidSlain ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 06:40:46 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
[deleted] ยท -12 points ยท Posted at 01:24:45 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)*
[removed]
Cascasguts ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 03:06:20 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
that abstergo referance is so dope dawg
CosmicRuin ยท 7 points ยท Posted at 18:45:10 on September 16, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Haha! I'd forgotten that one too, brilliant!
Uberphantom ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 04:08:50 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Churchill is the king of apocryphal quotes.
shanerz ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 06:46:02 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Damn Winston, you a baaaaad man.
[deleted] ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 02:20:07 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I love when the argument against Trump is his temperament. He is a lightweight compared to the savagery of Churchill, Adams or Jackson.
why_rob_y ยท 304 points ยท Posted at 23:03:52 on September 16, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
But would he really be sober the next day?
Overthinks_Questions ยท 53 points ยท Posted at 01:54:30 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Of course not, but that's entirely missing the point. Tomorrow he could be sober if so wished, but her most fervent wishing will not render her less ugly.
SolidDick ยท 12 points ยท Posted at 02:09:35 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Relevant username.
Seanbikes ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 01:00:59 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
For the 30 seconds it would take to get out of bed and pour a drink, yes.
Luhood ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 11:54:37 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Disgustingly sober!
stingray20201 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:43:07 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
No
somethingwithbacon ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 07:29:11 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Nah. But he could be.
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 12:12:03 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Um, no.
RUS_Hustler ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 13:01:41 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I mean, temporarily.
lizimajig ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:14:18 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Not by choice.
suid ยท 11 points ยท Posted at 00:48:11 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
No, no, nonono. The punchline is supposed to stop at "But tomorrow I shall be sober".
warwolf940 ยท 7 points ยท Posted at 22:24:40 on September 16, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
My high school history teacher told a story when Churchill was talking to some other politician who was a woman. I forget the set-up, but Churchill's response was something along the lines of, "We both know what you are. All that's left is to haggle over the price."
blueshiftlabs ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 04:42:59 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
That quote was often attributed to Churchill, but has also been attributed to many others.
Still sounds like something he would say, though.
warwolf940 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 13:25:51 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Damn, that's some hardcore investigation! I like it!
brikad ยท 11 points ยท Posted at 23:52:10 on September 16, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I've heard this as a gay joke.
"Would you suck a dick for 10 million dollars?"
"Hell yeah!"
"What about 10 dollars?"
"No, what do you think I am, gay?"
"Well we've already established that."
Breadloafs ยท 12 points ยท Posted at 22:20:17 on September 16, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
But he was really ugly tho :/
hyacinthinlocks ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 01:34:08 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Nah, I'd shag him. He was strangely charming. And I bet he was even more charming when younger, but what sticks in our memory is the old fat cigar smoker Churchill
bless_ure_harte ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:27:36 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
;D
Michris ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 03:16:22 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Pfft and they say Trump is something new
ThunderCuuuunt ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 04:52:48 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I think it might be time we had The Talk.
PokemonMaster619 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 05:49:07 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Oh, Winston. Drunk again, I see.
Yeah well you're a fat bitch.
VizaMotherFucker ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 06:13:56 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Shit. I did something like this to my husband this evening.
Him "Your pants are hideous."
Me "So's your face. Best part about that is that I can change my pants pretty fucking easily."
[deleted] ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 22:26:12 on September 16, 2016 ยท (Permalink)*
[deleted]
[deleted] ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 04:35:36 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I remember it being phrased like this
Lady Astor "Churchill! You're drunk!"
Winston Churchill "Madame, you're ugly, but in the morning I shall be sober."
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:31:38 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)*
[removed]
Jaggedrain ยท 7 points ยท Posted at 04:54:54 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
The man did have an amazing turn of phrase, though. I have never heard my people described better than in his writing on the Boer War.
'What men they were, these Boers! I thought of them as I had seen them in the morning riding forward through the rainโthousands of independent riflemen, thinking for themselves, possessed of beautiful weapons, led with skill, living as they rode without commissariat or transport or ammunition column, moving like the wind, and supported by iron constitutions and a stern, hard Old Testament God who should surely smite the Amalekites hip and thigh.'
I mean, that is some beautiful writing right there.
Captain_Cowboy ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 06:38:21 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
That is nice indeed. Thank you for sharing.
ChrisW828 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 06:32:22 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
He was also credited with this one, when a woman on a train told him he smelled.
"No, ma'am. You smell. I stink."
ljb23 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 08:18:31 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Ah the good old days. Couldn't get away with it now!
RagingNerdaholic ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:23:19 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I prefer the hooker one paraphrased
"Ma'am, would you sleep with me for a million pounds?"
"I'd... have to think about it, but very possibly"
"How about for five?"
"What do you think I am, some sort of prostitute?"
"We've already established that, now we're just negotiating."
KorrectingYou ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:00:06 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
plumbtree ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:59:33 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
That's not how it went...the woman admonished him for being drunk, and he responded with, "my dear, you are ugly, and tomorrow, I will be sober."
x3Fast5u ยท 186 points ยท Posted at 02:03:29 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
There was this kid (let's call him Cam) who's brother had lost his battle with depression and took his own life. Cam has always been a douchebag, and he became 10x douchier than before his brother died, anyways, he was making fun of this rather chubby kid (let's call him Larry), Larry was well liked and barely spoke, like, if he spoke, everyone would listen. He happened to be wearing rather tight jeans one day.
Cam asked "hey Larry, how long did it take you to get into those jeans? Lose your flubber, it's not hibernation time yet"
With a straight face, and with just a few words, Larry destroyed Cam "dunno, how long did it take your brother to get into the noose? "
[deleted] ยท 48 points ยท Posted at 05:06:58 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
People with things that are obvious targets (like a suicide in the family, an eating disorder, etc.) shouldn't be dicks.
[deleted] ยท 55 points ยท Posted at 06:16:20 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
[deleted]
[deleted] ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 13:59:30 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Obviously.
Clair_Voyant ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 06:32:36 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Idk man, I've been anorexic/bulimic for 5 years now and you learn to laugh about mental disorders. I find the best put downs involve shock-content OF YOURSELF either way, like the infamous cases where adopted kids use their adoption to make clever comebacks.
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 13:58:07 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Well yeah but I wouldn't expect someone whose being a dick to someone to be okay with self-deprecating humor or learning to laugh at themselves.
Uhura_Sits_Backwards ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 20:27:41 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Bipolar here. A couple of times I have found myself in bars with friends or business acquaintances. I absolutely do not drink and when people see this they try and push it on me. I tell it like it is. "I'm bipolar. Alcohol and psych meds really don't mix. You do not have the skills needed to deal with <stare straight through them> a werewolf." lolol.
thebananahotdog ยท 35 points ยท Posted at 04:34:50 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
BY GAWD THAT MAN HAD A FAMILY
Emphasis on had.
[deleted] ยท 22 points ยท Posted at 05:16:08 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Yeah, well, you can hang that one up.
[deleted] ยท 9 points ยท Posted at 05:58:26 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
/r/jesuschristreddit
MuzzleBlast ยท 46 points ยท Posted at 04:09:51 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Savage and not funny. It actually answers the question of this thread.
elastic-craptastic ยท 34 points ยท Posted at 05:07:25 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Sorry, but that's funny. If the guy was being a douche for no reason he was asking for it. The comment itself may not be funny, but the scenario and the fact that Larry made the comment is funny.
Not feel good, ha ha, funny. But holy shit, what the fuck, he actually went there, funny.
That's just my opinion. I can see where you're coming from though.
forbucci ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:25:43 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Ouch
CommandersLog ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:55:27 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
whose brother
harveyf-king_bullock ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 10:23:30 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Cam's
WhiskeyMeToSleep ยท 2108 points ยท Posted at 18:27:08 on September 16, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
"Steve, get out of my class. I do not need this disrespect and rudeness from you whilst I am trying to teach a class."
"Jesus miss, you're always moaning. No wonder your husband left you."
Turns out the teacher had consoled in this student in a detention earlier that week about her recent divorce.
Fucking brutal, Steve. Fucking brutal.
hitlerallyliteral ยท 1383 points ยท Posted at 23:41:56 on September 16, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
*confided in
vagiants ยท 29 points ยท Posted at 02:05:26 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Xbox. PS3? PS4! So many consoles.
Dreadbull13 ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 14:02:45 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Ty
hitlerallyliteral ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:21:52 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Thankyou for 1000karma for stupid pedantry. If I had any shame I would delete that comment.
Itsgernamels ยท 76 points ยท Posted at 04:02:47 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Sooo... Was the teacher like a bitch or something?
Because it seems pretty shitty for Steve to just expose that kinda sensitive information to everyone present for just a cheap joke and especially if he had actually been a real ass and had to be removed for legitimate reasons.
Elite_AI ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 14:38:22 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Savagery does not need justice.
Itsgernamels ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 19:46:58 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Look, all jokes aside that was a really shitty thing for him to do, let's be real here.
Elite_AI ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:48:26 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Of course. Lots of these examples are. Butโwhat do you think savage means?
The only "okay" examples here are either between friends, who know no-one's serious, or are by the Good Guy talking shit to the Bad Guy.
Itsgernamels ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 20:03:46 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I know the definition of savage, I'm aware that that account certainly qualifies regardless of context, I was just initially wondering (and hoping) that this was one of those "okay" examples.
And now that the opposite seems to be true, well... I mean, it's still savage enough to melt one's face off and that makes it somewhat entertaining but it's also rather disgusting. If that makes any sense.
๐๏ธ Koean ยท 275 points ยท Posted at 18:47:21 on September 16, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Classic Steve. I wonder if she consoled in him again with the punishment?
calicotrinket ยท 11 points ยท Posted at 04:39:43 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
No, she just hated him for the next 4 years.
GenocideSolution ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 06:33:56 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Oh boy, is it time to go metasexual in this thread?
[deleted] ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 05:50:58 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Oh she consoled him with punishment alright...in detention......( อกยฐ อส อกยฐ)
The_Usernamed ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 07:13:20 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Fuckin' Steve.
[deleted] ยท 18 points ยท Posted at 03:14:08 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
We had a married teacher have a very public affair with another married teacher (whose wife was a third teacher).
In the hall across from me reaming out a super bitchy student.
Teach: "your behavior is incredibly inappropriate."
Student: " did (the wife) teach you this saying or your therapist?"
Student just turned and walked herself to the office for her punishment, teacher switched to middle school the next year.
I almost fell over in my empty classroom and then had to pull it back together to console the teacher and assist in relaying the story to admin. The burn was so amazing I wanted to give the girl a bye.
Dima_G ยท 25 points ยท Posted at 23:54:41 on September 16, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I think this is from Summer Heights High...a HILARIOUS Australian television show.
Thanos_Stomps ยท 16 points ยท Posted at 00:45:01 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
No because miss never is dating anyone
You'll never get s boyfriend if you don't smile for once miss
You on your period or what miss
She walks through the playground and doesn't even smile she takes everything too seriously (paraphrased last one)
Ninja edit; this is something Jonah would say so I can see why you thought that. And yes it's hilarious. Highly recommend it you'll be quoting it for months
I work with kids and once a week at least I say coffee coffee before we teachy teachy
And I can't pick up a dog without saying they have a very large Brain and how you're meant to hold them
wombat1 ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 01:14:10 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Puck you
Thanos_Stomps ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 01:19:47 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I said puck you with a p
wknd_jones ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 02:36:31 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Puck you Miss
tilsitforthenommage ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:40:08 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
It's hot bin water with dead things floating in it.
[deleted] ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 21:37:05 on September 16, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Kevin's got a brother.
BlackIronSpectre ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 23:06:13 on September 16, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
An evil brother
kaloonzu ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 02:19:07 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I wouldn't have left her.
I like it when they moan. Throw in some screams, and I'm happy.
Qweniden ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 04:56:43 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
You failed that class, didn't you?
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:16:01 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Gizmo-Duck ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 10:18:37 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
always moaning sounds like a reason to stay.
ResditSportsHobby ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 13:31:18 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Confided dude. She wasn't programming him like a switch.
waka_flocculonodular ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:23:23 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Is this summer heights high?
MicMagnetic ยท -44 points ยท Posted at 21:05:31 on September 16, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
She could have said, "it's a good thing we didn't have children during our loveless marriage, because then we would have made a child like you."
[deleted] ยท 28 points ยท Posted at 21:36:38 on September 16, 2016 ยท (Permalink)*
[deleted]
Foxyfox- ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 05:28:30 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
There was an attempt
MicMagnetic ยท -27 points ยท Posted at 21:40:58 on September 16, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
๐
๐
๐
๐
๐ญ
Humble_Measures13 ยท 375 points ยท Posted at 21:41:00 on September 16, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
The worst one I can remember from another one of these posts. "When your first child dies you'll know you deserved it."
BridgetteBane ยท 63 points ยท Posted at 02:22:30 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Fucking CHRIST
CromulentEmbiggener ยท 17 points ยท Posted at 03:46:45 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Because you refused to let the Jews go?
Delicateplace ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 05:59:56 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Because you got high and forgot to paint the house
Delicateplace ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 20:17:15 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
What the fuck was I referring to here???
AvsJoe ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 07:34:55 on January 23, 2017 ยท (Permalink)
Great question. What the fuck were you referring to there?
Delicateplace ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 07:47:08 on January 23, 2017 ยท (Permalink)
I have a hazy memory of writing that comment drunk and stoned and laughing my ass off. Looking back now I think maybe it was a reference to a story from another thread that day about someone who got fucked up and forgot they were supposed to help paint their grandma's house and it ended badly. Somebody upvoted it...
AvsJoe ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 08:09:41 on January 23, 2017 ยท (Permalink)
The fact that you still have a hazy memory of writing that comment suggests that you have a better memory than I. Thank you for the quick response.
Delicateplace ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 08:11:22 on January 23, 2017 ยท (Permalink)
You caught me in prime drunk redditing time
AvsJoe ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 08:17:15 on January 23, 2017 ยท (Permalink)
Drunken Redditing is best Redditing!
Uhura_Sits_Backwards ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 20:01:23 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Because you got high and forgot new oxygen tanks for your grandmom.
weresquirrel ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 15:59:24 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
"I will hurt you for this. A day will come when you think you are safe and happy, and your joy will turn to ashes in your mouth. And you will know the debt is paid."
cantaloupelion ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 03:54:43 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
:0
TheFrankBaconian ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 07:28:05 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I think you might be thinking of the coworker saying the following to the mom who's child just died. On the day after she makes some mistake and the coworker says: "At least we got your genes out of the pool."
I still can't fathom how one can be such an asshole.
RoofShoppingCartGuy ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 07:04:42 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I saw something along the lines that was way blunt. Straight and to the point savage: "I hope you outlive your children."
Like that's the fucking kill shot right there.
[deleted] ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 05:06:54 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Fuck
TooCynicalToFunction ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 06:29:45 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
.....Phwoar
Datkif ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 04:22:38 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
That's savage
tvtb ยท 16 points ยท Posted at 04:56:01 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
There's some savage comebacks you just accept that you've been gotten. But if you're on the receiving end of that, you beat the shit out of the guy.
Sepof ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 06:32:38 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Underrated.
EMINEM_4Evah ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 07:12:32 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Ouch
WestOfTheField ยท 233 points ยท Posted at 00:44:10 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
My parents have friends called Jim and Elspeth. I was over at their house with my parents and my brother for dinner and we were all drinking bottled beer. My brother was peeling the paper sticker off the beer and Elspeth said to him "You know, I've heard that peeling labels off of bottles like that can be a sign of sexual frustration".
It was kind of an unexpected comment, we were in our 20s but she'd never said anything like that to either of us before.
My brother came back with "Well I definitely saw Jim doing that earlier this evening"!
It was hilarious!
MuzzleBlast ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 04:07:44 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
That was hilarious. What was the response to that?
casualhobos ยท 17 points ยท Posted at 04:17:15 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Jin probably patted him on the back and said thanks man
WestOfTheField ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 12:33:48 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
They laughed a lot and said nice comeback!
spawndon ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 07:57:02 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
women who are usually seen trying to put others down, are the ones who are sexually frustrated.
RegretDesi ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 22:01:20 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Was she named after her mom's DnD character?
SafariOleg ยท 590 points ยท Posted at 19:54:25 on September 16, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Mum's friend was at his allotment tending his potatoes, American guy had the allotment next door:-
American guy "Back home we grow our potatoes bigger than that"
Mum's friend "Yeah, we grow them to fit our mouths too"
MassXavkas ยท 28 points ยท Posted at 01:35:16 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Such subtle savagery.
TheNotoriousWD ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 04:03:58 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
GET THE TOW TRUCK! There's been a bad Wreck.
CapnGrundlestamp ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 03:15:58 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
This is my favorite.
[deleted] ยท -12 points ยท Posted at 01:42:54 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
[deleted]
MuzzleBlast ยท 28 points ยท Posted at 03:59:38 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
No but it is pure oneupmanship and douchey that deserves savagery.
SeymourZ ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 05:51:25 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Yes it was, he was insulting her gardening skills. She came back on him. Like I did with your mom last night.
[deleted] ยท -16 points ยท Posted at 23:53:30 on September 16, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
[deleted]
00raeror ยท 34 points ยท Posted at 23:57:35 on September 16, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
He meant that americans have a big mouth.
[deleted] ยท 12 points ยท Posted at 00:45:26 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Yeah. We are pretty fucking awesome.
[deleted] ยท -16 points ยท Posted at 01:41:50 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
[deleted]
LDShadowLord ยท 15 points ยท Posted at 01:44:20 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
That'll be because it wasn't a fat joke...
plz2meatyu ยท -4 points ยท Posted at 02:45:36 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
You don't have enough crayons and sock puppets to explain...
LDShadowLord ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 02:50:46 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I'll see if I can find my whiteboard and remember the mathematical equation.
waltjrimmer ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 02:07:26 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Big Mouth: Similar to loudmouth, blowhard, someone who can't keep their mouth shut, someone who is too loud, someone who talks when they shouldn't, someone who speaks without thinking, those kinds of thing. It has nothing to do with weight.
[deleted] ยท -1 points ยท Posted at 04:02:47 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
A funny synonym to loudmouth, braggart, and blowhard is braggadocio.
themacbreezy ยท 95 points ยท Posted at 04:14:59 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
High school physics class forever ago.
This alright but pretty fat kid kept harassing and cracking jokes at the teacher. He finally said some lame variant of an "xyz called..." joke.
The teacher looked straight at him and without the slightest delay goes "Hey Ben, Tent City called, they're ready to fit you for your prom tux". room explodes
Emileahh ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 09:32:08 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Tent city is a jail where I live. I was so confused for a second.
GingerBeardThePirate ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:06:19 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
That would work if the kid was an asshole and destined for prison. (p.s. vote sherrif Joe the fuck out of office.)
Emileahh ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:50:28 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Not even prison, just jail I think, haha. And yes, I hope more than anything that he gets voted out, what a fucking toolbag.
clinkyec ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:28:48 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I forgot you said chubby, and thought the teacher was calling out his hard on for a second.
flavored_icecream ยท 1085 points ยท Posted at 17:41:18 on September 16, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
The "Parks and Recreation" blooper by Chris Prtt - that one joke is funnier than the whole series put together.
openlinker ยท 107 points ยท Posted at 00:40:02 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Gotta love Gerry's laugh
soylentcoleslaw ยท 22 points ยท Posted at 02:25:09 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
That's a laugh that makes you wanna laugh, no matter what.
Aratix ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 02:50:58 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I rewatched it 3 times just so I could lose my shit at that part.
everfalling ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 03:44:37 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
his realization and build up to that laugh is the best part.
ZachPG ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 04:04:08 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
*Jerry
*Gary
keefmastaflex ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 04:54:31 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
*Barry
SkollFenrirson ยท 94 points ยท Posted at 01:03:41 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Aubrey's quick reaction is what seals this for me.
El_Jacobo ยท 24 points ยท Posted at 04:20:47 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I think she kind of knew Chris was setting them up when he said Kim kardashion.
SkollFenrirson ยท 23 points ยท Posted at 04:54:06 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
She was definitely onto him and that slap made it all the more hilarious.
El_Jacobo ยท 10 points ยท Posted at 06:14:27 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
They work so well together. I don't have that much chemistry in my crystal meth.
Cyberslasher ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 21:54:40 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
It looked like he had already told her he was going to make the joke, and that she told him not to do it.
LaboratoryManiac ยท 12 points ยท Posted at 05:16:00 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Pratt's line was ad-libbed, but I'm pretty sure Plaza's slap was scripted.
moal09 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:58:35 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
That's how you can tell they'd been spending a lot of time together
_DarkWingDuck ยท 216 points ยท Posted at 20:46:28 on September 16, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Not really a comeback, but hilarious.
There should be a best bloopers AskReddit..
TattooedWife ยท 12 points ยท Posted at 02:04:38 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I just made one but I'm mobile and have no idea how to share it with you.
[deleted] ยท -14 points ยท Posted at 05:29:08 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)*
[deleted]
Scummy_mofo ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 07:35:30 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Compared to her, your e-peen is pretty huge. I'm calling misogyny/possible transphobia.
mynameismunka ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 08:29:28 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
i was only trying to point out that she didn't actually make a subreddit for the best bloopers. apparently I fucked up.
TattooedWife ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 13:49:26 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Oooooh!
I thought an r/AskReddit thread is what was meant.
I have no idea how to make a subreddit.
NotNamingNames ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 14:02:15 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Yes, that is what was most likely meant by "Someone should set up an AskReddit". What you did was right.
mynameismunka ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 17:40:18 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Yeah. The right way to phrase it would be "someone should make a thread about it" rather than "someone should make a subreddit about it". I interpreted his and your comments to be about new subreddits. Oh well
NotNamingNames ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 14:01:21 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Except nobody asked anybody to set up a subreddit, nor did anybody say that they did.
mynameismunka ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 17:41:31 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I thought "new askreddit" was a typo for "new subreddit". The right word to use would be "new thread" or "new post"
JenkemJoe ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 09:00:31 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
yeah if the sub is set to Private, it's not going to show up in a user's profile..
mynameismunka ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:41:46 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Ok
Scummy_mofo ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:55:30 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Lol why'd you respond twice?
Ajaxlancer ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 20:55:14 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
The "Ok" was pre-realization. The second was afterwards.
mynameismunka ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 23:08:16 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
me too thanks
Scummy_mofo ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:35:49 on September 18, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Haha. Ok random person. You seem to have the orders reversed, as he said ok hours after his original reply. Not that it matters, but when you offer an explanation for someone else it's generally helpful to have some idea what you're talking about.
Now you just look like a brown-nosing fool. Thanks for the chuckle.
Ajaxlancer ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 06:04:38 on September 18, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Ok
Scummy_mofo ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 08:06:52 on September 18, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
No, really. I don't get the random-dude-tried-to-answer-a-question-directed-towards-someone-else-but-fails-miserably routine very often. Don't think your attempt at contributing but looking like an idiot in the process has gone unnoticed. :D
Hellfire965 ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 06:10:48 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Well she gets COME on her BACK in the video
[deleted] ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 03:31:30 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Be the change you want to see in the world
Badcompany18 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 07:56:08 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Nah it'd be too predictable. All the top posts would be parks and rec bloopers.
flavored_icecream ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 13:03:25 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
And "Whose line is it anyway" too.
AndyGHK ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 08:07:55 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Whenever there is one, it's just "Jackie Chan in X film" for every answer, plus that one 10-minute video of bloopers from Parks and Rec.
coolkid1717 ยท -12 points ยท Posted at 22:00:07 on September 16, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
No, I think there was cum on his back. Wasn't there?
Phasechange ยท 19 points ยท Posted at 22:06:24 on September 16, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Haha, Champion stays stoic at first but even he ends up laughing along.
SettleF ยท 10 points ยท Posted at 21:57:06 on September 16, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I can't believe I've never seen this before. Hilarious!!!!
washington_breadstix ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 04:49:52 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Funnier than the whole series put together? No way. They routinely made jokes better than that one.
[deleted] ยท 7 points ยท Posted at 03:57:44 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
In trying not to laugh loudly I made this weird as prhhnnmmnnnn noise. You know how in old movies when bullets ricocheted? Slow it down and raise the pitch.
Seraphus ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 04:42:16 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I love seeing this blooper every single time.
Haven't even seen the show but this shit is hilarious.
Alexalpha ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 06:05:54 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
You should watch the show, it's fantastic and all 7 seasons are on Netflix. Also I would think about starting at season 2, the first season isn't that good and might turn you off of the series.
sunkenOcean01 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 08:13:16 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
There's one character in the first season who's just a big dull dud and absolutely brings the show down. It started improving as soon as he webt away forever.
Seraphus ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 06:47:43 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Well that explains it then, I watched a few episodes from the first season and wasn't that impressed.
TwentySeventh ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 06:55:15 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I was given the same advice. Started at season 2. I think it's brilliant and might even like it more than the office. I know that's a bold claim but I border on obsession with the writing and characters.
Seraphus ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 07:06:58 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Sounds good, I'll look into it and see how I feel about the show. Thanks for the advice.
jesus_h_pizza ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 07:32:56 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
One thing though, I waded through the 1st season and then the rest of the series. On a rewatch for some reason I appreciated the 1st season a lot more. Just Some food for thought.
Seraphus ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 09:41:51 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Yea I'm still gonna watch the 1st season, I never skip stuff.
flavored_icecream ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 13:04:31 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
That specific clip is actually, why I started watching it at all.
havfunonline ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 06:03:56 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I love how Aubury Plaza knows what's coming - she raises her hand to hit him before he does the joke.
NightGod ยท 7 points ยท Posted at 09:24:52 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
"Chris is talking and he doesn't have a line here...better be ready to smack him."
pyro5050 ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 22:26:43 on September 16, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
thank god it is the end of friday... fuck me, thats funny!
MouthAnusJellyfish ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 14:02:02 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I needed this today
[deleted] ยท 91 points ยท Posted at 04:09:36 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Some asshole in the school parking lot was giving my friend shit when he got into his brand new car. The asshole kid said "have fun riding around in your daddy's new car." My friend came right back with "yeah...it's nice having a dad."
That asshole kid's dad died 3 months prior.
welcomebackalice ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 15:31:49 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
ouch
jclives ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:18:23 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Was it his dad's car?
tonysnark81 ยท 91 points ยท Posted at 03:20:38 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I'm an older guy, but I don't look as old as I really am. I was at a pizza place picking up food, wearing a grey t-shirt with a black Bat-symbol on it. I hear people come in behind me, so I turn and give a casual glance. Some ginger dude with a stupid looking beard is there with a woman who would have been attractive, except for the bright blue lipstick she was wearing. I turned back to the front, and heard a snort behind me. I turned back around and glanced at them again, and she says to me "aren't you a little old for a comic book t-shirt?"
I looked at her, smiled, and said, "I'm supposed to take fashion advice from someone who looks like they suck Smurf cock for a living?"
Ginger started to open his mouth, but since I'm bigger than him, he shut it pretty quickly. I got my food and walked out to the sound of him getting railed for not coming to her defense...
Kighla ยท 30 points ยท Posted at 02:17:56 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
While in college I was in my ceramics class. I always had a hard time focusing and wanted to go home early (it was a class that went until 7pm).. I was almost never prepared for anything also. And for background, I had a long distance boyfriend at the time.
So, one evening, I whine about how I just wanted to leave, and my professor turned and said "Why, Kighla? Your boyfriend lives in Florida, you don't have any friends to hang out with, you never sleep and you clearly never do any homework, what's the rush?"
FusJoeDah ยท 28 points ยท Posted at 02:36:00 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
"Danger is my middle name"
"What's your first then, Stranger?"
unsuspectedSadist ยท 198 points ยท Posted at 04:02:11 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
On an Internet chat with a dude from England.
Madlad: the cunt hair is the second shortest unit of measure.
Me: what's the shortest unit on measure
Madlad: your dick
birdoxer ยท 11 points ยท Posted at 10:06:12 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
That's not a comeback.
unsuspectedSadist ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 15:57:55 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
You salty dog!
Gentle_Wrench ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 14:13:45 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Also a RCH is much smaller than your standard CH. Ask any machinist. Can confirm Madlad is making no sense. OP also suspect. Get the internet over here.
Overlord_Azsaz ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 13:36:56 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
r/madlads
banjohusky95 ยท 55 points ยท Posted at 04:40:45 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I once had a friend in a wheel chair chasing me around hitting my ankles teasing me how her electric wheelchair was faster than me running (in flip flops and a busted knee).
So I went to a flight of stairs, stepped on the first stair, and just stared at her.
Someone walking by just says "that's fucked up".
Coffeezilla ยท 9 points ยท Posted at 09:27:48 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
If no one thinks of a Dalek screaming elevate at this...
TaylorS1986 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 23:46:26 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
This sounds a friend of mine. Is her name Laura???
banjohusky95 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:41:51 on September 18, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Nope
Blempglorf ยท 26 points ยท Posted at 23:33:47 on September 16, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
"If I wanted any shit outta you, I'd squeeze your head." - My dad.
RamsesThePigeon ยท 3193 points ยท Posted at 17:47:29 on September 16, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
While out at a bar in Davis, California, I was approached by a young woman. She and I started talking, I bought her a drink, and the conversation seemed to be going well... until a guy whose appearance (and voice) made him seem like a caricature of a racist farmhand walked up, sat down at the table, and interjected himself.
CUT IN:
EXT. A BAR PATIO - NIGHT
Exterior lights illuminate a table near the corner of a bar's patio. It is occupied by a tall, slender male, an average-height, slender female, and a lanky young man in a white undershirt and jeans. These are MAX, the GIRL, and the REDNECK, respectively.
REDNECK: Hi.
GIRL: (Amused) Um. Hello.
REDNECK: You like horses?
GIRL: They're okay.
The GIRL turns to MAX with an expression of slight disbelief.
GIRL: (Continued) How about you? Do you like horses?
MAX: Not even a little bit.
GIRL: Hah, I guess they're not too common in the city.
REDNECK: (Interjecting) What city?
MAX: I'm from San Francisco.
REDNECK: (Snarling) I hate San Francisco! Too many gay fuckers!
MAX does not respond.
REDNECK: (CONT'D) You're a gay fucker, aren't you?
MAX: Why? Are you interested?
REDNECK: (To the girl) Why are you talking to this gay fucker?
GIRL: He's more interesting than the other people here.
The REDNECK clearly misses the jab.
REDNECK: I have some horses. How about I take you for a ride sometime?
GIRL: That might be difficult.
REDNECK: Why?
GIRL: How are you going to ride a horse when your head is shoved so far up your ass?
The REDNECK sputters and grows red in the face. After a moment of this, he angrily turns back to MAX.
REDNECK: Yeah, well, how about I shove my head in this gay fucker's ass?!
MAX: See, I knew you were interested!
The guy eventually decided to leave, but not before trying to goad me into a fight and making another pass at the young woman in my company. I couldn't help but laugh at the whole situation, because unbeknownst to the redneck, the girl was actually a lesbian.
I mean... it figures, right?
TL;DR: "How about I shove my head in this gay fucker's ass?!"
[deleted] ยท 673 points ยท Posted at 20:36:44 on September 16, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
[deleted]
setfire3 ยท 116 points ยท Posted at 21:55:35 on September 16, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
this is the most interesting read possible about someone browsing reddit.
TheGrey_Wolf ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 06:49:07 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Huh, username kinda checks out.
EmeraldFlight ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 06:20:04 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
It's almost like the dude has written a script or something no that can't be the case
cyclopsrex ยท 74 points ยท Posted at 19:16:40 on September 16, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I've always found the best way to hit on someone is to insult their friends.
setfire3 ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 21:54:45 on September 16, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
my .. uh "friend" found the best way to hit on someone was to insult HIS friend (me).
needless to say I stopped talking to him.
chuntiyomoma ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 06:40:28 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I bet he impressed a lot of women with that show of disloyalty toward his friends though. Mm mm mmm.
SpookiestBus ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 06:47:03 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
"Damn, this dingleberry says his friend is a dipshit, I bet he's fun to be around, and won't at all be a big shit bag!"
DocOcarina ยท 874 points ยท Posted at 18:49:06 on September 16, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I can never tell if you're either just a wonderful story-teller, or live the most interesting damn life that I've ever seen.
RamsesThePigeon ยท 570 points ยท Posted at 19:28:57 on September 16, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
First of all, thank you for the kind words!
More to the point, though: When I tell a story in the first person, it's true. The above tale was technically offered as a screenplay, I'll grant you, but it also depicted real-life events. It's not that my life is more interesting than other folks', though, so much as it is that I look at everything from the perspective of the story it will be later.
JulietJulietLima ยท 175 points ยท Posted at 21:33:35 on September 16, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Hell yes. I have done some extremely memorable (if often stupid) stuff because it would make a great story.
And that's why I once bench pressed a midget.
[deleted] ยท 13 points ยท Posted at 00:26:03 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Only once? Verily, he must be benched in sets of five to please the Allspotter
JulietJulietLima ยท 7 points ยท Posted at 03:12:01 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
She. It's hard to bench press someone without groping them.
Rush_nj ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 00:14:19 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
It's why i jumped in a trolley to get from 1 pub at the top of a hill to one towards the bottom.
JustAnotherPanda ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 00:28:25 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
You can't just say "I'm good at telling stories." and then "Here's an interesting thing that happened to me" and then not tell the story.
JulietJulietLima ยท 9 points ยท Posted at 03:00:01 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Many moons ago a card game called Texas Hold 'Em was unreasonably popular. It turns out that it's just a way to trade money between friends and drink. I could have done that without spending a bunch of money on chips to play with.
Anyway, what the game was good for was engaging people you didn't really know that well in an activity that everyone knew. I cemented a relationship that got me a pretty good job right out of college by inviting the guy to a poker night. And my roommate would bring various coworkers to most nights at our apartment. One night came J, an Asian little person. She wasn't any damn good at poker but she was fun.
After the game and many beverages we were all hanging out, pretty hammered. J and my roommate were talking about stuff and for whatever reason weight came up and J mentioned that she was surprisingly heavy for her size, I think it had something to do with proportionally large bones for her height. I said that was ridiculous and I could bench press her. She laughed. I said, "Wait, can I actually bench press you? That would be amazing." She agreed because, like I said, she was fun.
It took a little bit to figure out how without groping her inappropriately but I did. Many laughs were had by all.
trulysaylt ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 06:20:15 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Everything seemed a bit rushed after you gave setting, try expanding more on smal details to engage the reader better and make them feel as if they are in the room.
curiouslyendearing ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 07:23:20 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Also, add punch line. Doesn't need to be completely true. Never ruin a good story with the truth. Has a good rhythm to it though.
bless_ure_harte ยท -1 points ยท Posted at 12:45:15 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Did u fuk her
bless_ure_harte ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 00:31:49 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Story time
JulietJulietLima ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 03:00:56 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
https://m.reddit.com/r/AskReddit/comments/532wpf/whats_the_most_savage_comeback_youve_heard/d7q5219
IEatsRawks ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 04:04:16 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Lol damn! Well it seems to work!
Ivelostmyreputation ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 04:54:27 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
A friend and I once brought a bag of snakes as a gift to a birthday party just because we cracked up when I said the phrase "bag of snakes"
Big_D_Squirrels ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:30:28 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Same. The shape makes it a little awkward but once you figure it out its not hard.
Prod_Is_For_Testing ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 06:54:30 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Why were you benching those poor Danes?
Irish97 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 00:57:04 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
And your book is awesome and I'm gonna keep telling you that when I see you on Reddit and remember to do so.
Mr-Blah ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 05:00:18 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
How the hell do you not have your own Netflix original yet?
[deleted] ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 07:37:24 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Reminds me of leslie knoppes boyfriend in season 2 of Parks and recs.
marr ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 08:03:03 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
That right there. That's the difference between a regular schlub and a writer.
ChumChumz ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 15:55:17 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
on your behalf, my life seems very boring and plain compared to most, yet whenever i tell my stories people are flabbergasted at how one person manages to come across so many situations and interesting scenarios lol
RiverSongTheDM ยท 17 points ยท Posted at 20:37:44 on September 16, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
This guy clearly writes plays for a living its beautiful
shrikeman1 ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 00:19:50 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Theatre grad here. Unless you're Andrew Lloyd Webber or Lin-Manuel Miranda, you don't write plays for a living.
RiverSongTheDM ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 00:36:32 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I was just trying to complement him
Thanos_Stomps ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 00:52:42 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Well think twice before complimenting someone asshole. This is Reddit!
shrikeman1 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:39:31 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Didn't mean to make it sound like a put-down, just stating it's really really tough to make it as a playwrite.
ForcedIntroversion ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 01:33:30 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
but those are musicals
shrikeman1 ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 01:45:37 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
That's more a category of theatre rather than a separate thing. They still fit all the criteria. They all started out as stage plays with music, they've just achieved enough success to be adapted into other forms of media (like how Phantom of the Opera was made into a film.)
ForcedIntroversion ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 02:57:56 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
yes, it's a category of theatre, but a play is a different category is what I'm saying
TheCrudMan ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 08:34:14 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
It's Davis, so no...not an interesting life.
Source: from Davis.
PinkDalek ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 21:34:30 on September 16, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I think it's a little of both.
๐๏ธ Koean ยท 39 points ยท Posted at 18:24:43 on September 16, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I wonder if this has ever worked for him..
H2-van_g-O ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:50:54 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I'm sure 40% of time it works 100% of the time.
runetrantor ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 06:09:24 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
If the girl was into horses THAT way, I guess it would.
Coffeezilla ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 09:23:10 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
In the right situation I'm sure it could, he just read that situation wrong. For it to work:
MedievalValor ยท 19 points ยท Posted at 18:47:36 on September 16, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
The Graduate
[deleted] ยท 12 points ยท Posted at 21:52:47 on September 16, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
hahah i just posted asking if OP was at The Grad. scrolled down and saw this. gotta love it.
[deleted] ยท 14 points ยท Posted at 21:52:03 on September 16, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
did you happen to be at The Grad??
thebornotaku ยท 9 points ยท Posted at 23:07:33 on September 16, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Was it the Davis Graduate?
DrOddcat ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 02:38:49 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
The graduate, this could only have happened at the Davis grad.
IamRustyShakleford ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 22:31:51 on September 16, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
The redneck must have been from Woodland.
[deleted] ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 01:41:31 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)*
You are choosing a book for reading
_its_a_SWEATER_ ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 06:11:16 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Winters.
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 07:49:48 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)*
He went to cinema
uhm_the_resistor ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 02:09:08 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Ahhh uc davis. And i think i know who you are lololol
noexitghetto ยท 9 points ยท Posted at 22:23:09 on September 16, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I went to UCD...did this happen at G street or at Froggy's?...from what I remember they were both the trashiest bars in Davis.
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 07:14:30 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Froggy's has some nice burgers though.
inthemouthofthewolf ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 14:25:34 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Nah all the rednecks hang out at the Grad
my_dear_sixsmith ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 02:07:39 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
You must be in or an alum of the the excellent writing program there. Go Ags.
MyPointExzachtly ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 01:00:18 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Excellent story, excellent script format.
rinfected ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 02:42:27 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
This was at Sophia's wasn't it.
Kyrgyzstan24 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 21:11:58 on September 16, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
So are you two still in contact or what?
Siriacus ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 01:54:34 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
It's like all rednecks have an inbuilt gaydar. 10/10 for prompt setting.
imnotquitedeadyet ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 03:20:30 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I have to write a short screenplay for class on Tuesday and this has given me inspiration. Thank you
ChkcenSrtizps ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 03:47:22 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
the only head in ass action is Max ;)
ihatedrums ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 03:51:22 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
screenwriter found
Breakemoff ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 04:01:21 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Sophia's? Sounds like Sophia's...
redtit64 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 04:14:55 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Have you posted this before? I swear Ive read it
ReaderWalrus ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 04:22:43 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Is your name really Max?
jacked_monkey ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 04:37:03 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Do you have any more screenplays? Id read the shit out of them..
RamsesThePigeon ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 04:46:22 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Sure! I even have a few full-length ones over at my website.
jacked_monkey ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 04:55:06 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
you the man!
jacked_monkey ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 04:56:41 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
holy shit!! you're the guy who wrote nearly departed??! I haven't read it but for some reason it's in my memory from a while back!
RamsesThePigeon ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 04:56:59 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
That's me!
allenahansen ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 04:37:19 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Ramses rules again.
[deleted] ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 05:12:11 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
It sounds like thathappened, but living in the Bible belt I've watched enough angry rednecks misspeak and defeat themselves in verbal combat. Pretty glorious tbh.
DoomBot5 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 05:16:50 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I love your stories. I'm kinda sad I haven't run into any of them for a couple months until now.
kartboy1234 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 06:04:48 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Was this at tres Hermanas? It always had the out of town people trying to pick up the college students.
kartboy1234 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 06:08:32 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
On second thought, it was probably the Grad. Lots of people from woodland and winters go there.
Valuto ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 06:18:26 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Upvote for Aggies!
sissy_space_yak ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 07:00:02 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I feel like this was Sophia's. Was this at Sophia's?
Xattle ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 07:30:25 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Perfectly told!
hardtofindthings ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 07:38:21 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I had to scroll back up to make sure you had gold.
HawkeyeSucks ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 07:58:18 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
This is one of those delightful times when 'Exit, pursued by a bear' would drastically improve an already entertaining tale
IamAbc ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 08:10:10 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Was this the grad? Literally s group of rednecks came up to us while we were there one day and tried to fight us for 'faking being in the military'. We were all actually in the Air Force.
[deleted] ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 08:13:20 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I think i have read this somewhere.
DethroTJethro ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 09:18:57 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Sounds like a normal night for the Grad.
[deleted] ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 09:21:26 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Are you a professional playwright?
RamsesThePigeon ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 09:27:51 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I've sold a few screenplays, but never anything for the stage, no.
hanikamibunny ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 10:07:36 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Insults gay people... while trying to pick up a gay person. Flawless.
[deleted] ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 22:23:41 on September 16, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
No shot this happened
geared4war ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:01:58 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
She was from San Fran too?
eine666katze ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 04:14:28 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Gay people live all over Cali not just SF.
geared4war ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 04:59:36 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
All over the world.
eine666katze ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 04:13:47 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I love how your from SF (born and raised there) and have a username related to pigeons.
rplusj1 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 04:36:32 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Donno which country is this from. But at mine the moment he said You're a gay fucker. I would have punched and kicked him till he apologized in loud voice.
Cops don't really care about such things here.
Tomcat1369 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 07:19:22 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Mojito night?
KounRyuSui ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 11:01:48 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Maybe you ARE a gay fucker, because y'all just DP'd Li'l Hillbilly back there.
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 12:11:01 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
The lost art of the TL;DR!
Joba_Fett ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 14:11:33 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Found Max Landis' Reddit account!
topaz-colite ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 22:18:29 on September 16, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Checked your username and I was like yes...
humanjumprope ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 03:57:37 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
r/thathappened
PistisDeKrisis ยท 28 points ยท Posted at 01:34:13 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Buddy didn't realize an acquaintance had very recently lossed his mother.
"Fucked your mom last night."
"My mom's dead."
"Yeah, I know. I bought a shovel."
Fuckin' brutal, Jeff...
Pinstar ยท 51 points ยท Posted at 04:18:52 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
"I'm sorry to hear you say that."
"Why?"
"You have a really annoying voice."
GarySe7en ยท 52 points ยท Posted at 05:11:04 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
My girlfriend broke up with me and told me not to ever call her again. I was blindsided because we had not even had an argument the entire we were dating. About a week later my phone rings from an unknown number and she is on the other line. " I broke up with you over a week ago and you didn't send me flowers or buy me jewelry or do anything to get me back" she said. WTF!!!! " I expect you to shower me with gifts when I breakup with you. You evidently don't know how to deal with women" she said coyly. Without hesitation I said " Oh I know how to deal with women, I just don't know how to deal with little girls."
TheDarkWave ยท 11 points ยท Posted at 10:47:19 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I'd say you stuck your dick in crazy, but you stuck your dick in retarded.
GarySe7en ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 15:02:32 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
You have no idea. We got back together briefly before I realized she was a human shit storm.
FakeChiBlast ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 02:55:05 on September 18, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Bullet mostly dodged :P
EdCorcorans16bucks ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 12:13:28 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
What grade was she in ?
GarySe7en ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 15:00:29 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
College senior actually.
tourettes_on_tuesday ยท 24 points ยท Posted at 05:10:23 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Me and my best friend in HS were fairly shy introverts, and he had a crush on this girl for years. She had the shitty attitude of a 10/10, the body of a 7/10, and the face of a 4/10. Even still, it would take him weeks of encouragement just to work up the nerve to talk to her, but she always acted like he was a nobody.
Right out of high school, he was attractive all of a sudden. Multiple times when I was out with him, random girls would come give HIM their number. This did wonders for his self esteem. Then one day we see his crush at the mall, and she smiles at him. He goes over and chats with her for a while, and she's flirting like crazy with him. Very early on, he realizes she has no idea who he is.
He finally asks her the question he wanted to ask throughout all of high school, "Do you have a boyfriend?" She replies, "No." He smiled and said, "Want to know why?"
AverageATuin ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:16:33 on September 18, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Saw that one backfire the other day:
At a high school drama club thing with both parents and kids. Parent and some random kid start flipping each other shit:
Parent: "You have a girlfriend?"
Kid: "no."
P: "Know why not?"
Kid: "Yeah, I'm gay!"
whining-and-wine ยท 93 points ยท Posted at 02:47:42 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
there's no need to call me sir, professor
Serpensortia ยท 19 points ยท Posted at 06:50:15 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Harry is savage as fuck. It's gotta be the power the Dark Lord knows not from the prophecy. My favorite is still when Uncle Vernon catches him hiding under the window to listen to the news.
"Watching the news? Again?"
"Well it changes every day, you see."
purplescrubs ยท 20 points ยท Posted at 03:42:52 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Most underrated comeback ever. Ten points to Gryffindor.
PuppetMaster189 ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 06:55:31 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I want to up vote you but at the time of my writing this, you have 10 points :(
Nate-Dawg-Not-A-Rapr ยท 14 points ยท Posted at 05:33:20 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
/r/unexpectedhogwarts
vietnamesecoffee ยท 9 points ยท Posted at 05:28:41 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
POTTERHEADS UNITE.
TheGrey_Wolf ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 06:45:57 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
You're a savage, Harry.
lizimajig ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 16:23:38 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
"GET REKT." - James Potter right after, probably
7-car-pileup ยท 506 points ยท Posted at 23:08:22 on September 16, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Ex-fiancee: "Nobody will ever love you like I do."
Me: "I hope not!"
Today marks a week since the break-up
๐๏ธ Koean ยท 30 points ยท Posted at 23:15:22 on September 16, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Congratulations on the Matrix feat
Rolendahl ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 08:24:28 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
It took me a minute to realize that this was a synonym for dodging a bullet. Nice!
[deleted] ยท 9 points ยท Posted at 23:41:03 on September 16, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
You are legally obligated to Schmoney Dance after that.
[deleted] ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 00:57:21 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I love that line. You'll never find someone like me...
Thanks for the blessings.
TheNotoriousWD ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 04:09:03 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Dat shit fire. Best luck bro.
Tired_of_cell_lurker ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 04:43:15 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Hang in there
7-car-pileup ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 07:10:53 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Thank you :)
Monkeyrogue ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 06:24:03 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
20 years later....thank God she was right.
Sepof ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 06:29:43 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Goodluck man.
7-car-pileup ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 07:11:11 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Thank you friend.
Temporal_Sock_Pair ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 06:47:04 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Mad respect for thinkin of that on the spot. How ya holdin up?
7-car-pileup ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 07:08:44 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Ehhh, obviously I could be better but I'm doing well all things considered.
wicked-dog ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 04:59:19 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Are you still a wreck?
7-car-pileup ยท 12 points ยท Posted at 05:47:12 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Yes and no. I feel relieved and heartbroken at the same time.
Kanye_To_The ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 06:56:57 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
In time the heartbreak will fade and relief will be the only feeling left. Hang in there champ.
7-car-pileup ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 07:08:16 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Thank you for your kind words and encouragement.
PROUDLY_NIGERIAN ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 09:00:29 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Congratulations.
jclives ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:18:50 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
This was posted in another ask Reddit yesterday. Is it you, or are you a biter?
7-car-pileup ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:48:18 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I didn't see the other thread. I've been working like crazy to try and keep my mind off of things.
[deleted] ยท -60 points ยท Posted at 00:29:58 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
[deleted]
7-car-pileup ยท 50 points ยท Posted at 02:05:02 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Please continue to speak publicly about how you think I'm not having the worst week of my life
Sometimeswelose ยท 22 points ยท Posted at 02:52:41 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
He's 12, probably doesn't know better
stealthxstar ยท 8 points ยท Posted at 04:54:14 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
hugs
Saphiro314 ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 06:18:45 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Had my fiancee leave me years back. Sucks dawg, but it gets better...
I lied.
It doesn't.
Food is comforting.
Sepof ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 06:31:56 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Hey, some people end up finding someone else and moving on just fine.
Then some of us don't....
Food is meh. Booze and pot is nice though.
Saphiro314 ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 06:38:10 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
YOU SHUT YOUR GODDAM MOUTH ABOUT MY FUCKING FOOD YOU FILTHY SLUT!
-rustling of bag of chips is heard-
Sepof ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 06:43:44 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Well I mean.. I just don't like to cook and the food near me is amazingly unspectacular.
There are a few solid places, but a lot of cuisines are totally missing and the rest are just very mediocre bar & grill places.
I haven't gone to a KBBQ place in like a year. No good Vietnamese or Thai food in about as long.
I miss the options of bigger cities. There isn't shit here, so food is always just kind of a "meh... what shit will I stomach today" situation.
The real reason... I've kind of developed a bit of an alcohol problem so now my appetite is all fucked up. Sometimes I wake up starving, but can barely stomach food when I get it. Other times I'll feel like shit all day until the evening when I get home and start drinking. By then I often kinda drink til I just eat some random junk and feel even worse.
2 years in almost a month. Woohoo. We also have a daughter so I get constant reminders every week when I pick her up and drop her off too.
7-car-pileup ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 07:09:53 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I'm afraid that I'll be paralyzed and not able to move on. But I'm some sense, I already have. I feel relieved and I feel like I can breathe again just by living for myself again.
Shadowhawk109 ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 04:58:35 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I highly encourage you reach out to all friends, family, and professional services available to you.
There are also a handful of subreddits devoted to this kind of thing.
Be safe, be well.
jk01 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 06:29:54 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
:(
neutronfish ยท 13 points ยท Posted at 02:40:15 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
But enough about you...
PancakePlatter1612 ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 00:40:19 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
k
Rolendahl ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 08:25:47 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I didn't know I was in the "What two words best describe you?" thread.
RawdogginYourMom ยท -4 points ยท Posted at 05:45:20 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
How much longer until you get back together?
7-car-pileup ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 05:46:32 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Boo
Arctic_Puppet ยท 48 points ยท Posted at 01:25:00 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Trying to think of some of mine, but this is from my older sister.
In middle school she got picked on a lot, and there was this dumb bitchy girl in her science class. One day Helen asks a question (I think she wasn't quite understanding the material), and this girl decides to be her bitchy self.
"God, you're so stupid."
"Oh, I'm stupid?!"
She gets out of her seat and walks over to the "globe" of Mars in the class and points to a section on it, and in her best imitation of the girl(valley-girl accent and all), quotes her from a few weeks ago:
"Are these states?"
And the whole class lost it.
LostNnotFound ยท 252 points ยท Posted at 22:47:32 on September 16, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
One bully in my class told the history teacher that she had small tits
I replied tbat he had bigger tits than her... and it was true. A redhead with freckles btw. He turned red likr a damn tomato
[deleted] ยท 33 points ยท Posted at 03:56:34 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Did you smash the teacher later?
G0LD3NBE4S7 ยท 8 points ยท Posted at 04:37:17 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
he better have.
mistuhgee ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 06:26:54 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
he's now a mod on /r/thatHappened
LostNnotFound ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 20:29:36 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I wish ... sick ending
fartballoon527 ยท 14 points ยท Posted at 04:56:06 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Who the hell talks like that to a teacher? I'm from India and any interaction with our teacher is just essential information being given
Kazan ยท 8 points ยท Posted at 06:08:01 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
immature assholes talk to a teacher like that
wclinton93 ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 04:34:02 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Not every hero wears a cape
TasteTheRaimbow ยท 9 points ยท Posted at 05:59:33 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
no capes!
461weavile ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 05:29:01 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I must've gone to an awesome school because I don't remember any students harassing teachers like that
LostNnotFound ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 20:28:52 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Well it s on a rez so ... yeah
shanerz ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 06:51:30 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Ah yes, the double burn. So savage they should call you The Macho Man.
UndeadVette ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 05:42:49 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
The teacher was a redhead with freckles, or the fat kid?
LostNnotFound ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 20:27:35 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
The bully, he wanted to fight me after school after that haha
ckellingc ยท 67 points ยท Posted at 01:29:27 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
"Well, if I were to agree with you, I'd be wrong as well." - Bill Nye The Science Guy
jchabotte ยท 1235 points ยท Posted at 18:00:51 on September 16, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
That one dude on twitter who came back at Patton Oswalt
JulietJulietLima ยท 591 points ยท Posted at 21:38:57 on September 16, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Fuck.
Fuuuuck.
Fuuuuuuuuuuk.
That's so cruel it's funny and then wraps back around to cruel.
tilsitforthenommage ยท 8 points ยท Posted at 03:48:31 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Wow that's fucked
marr ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 08:16:59 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I've known a few guys with that face. Serious anger issues every time.
Such_A_Dog ยท -16 points ยท Posted at 02:24:23 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Joking about recently deceased partners should never be funny. I hope Patton did not read that tweet.
[deleted] ยท 66 points ยท Posted at 03:49:23 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
wrong
DrunkHonesty ยท 10 points ยท Posted at 03:59:15 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I agree with you.... but even if I came up with that one I personally would have saved it.
[deleted] ยท 23 points ยท Posted at 05:31:55 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
On one hand, yeah, nothing should be off limits as a rule.
On the other, comedy for a lot of stuff is basically "Tragedy + time = comedy." (As noted by South Park, but they weren't wrong.)
It'd probably be better to say "joking about recently deceased partners probably is almost certainly crossing a line that outweighs its comedic value."
A huge rule about jokes is timing is important: A dead baby joke among single men is funny. To a lady who just lost her infant due to SIDS or a car accident is cruel and isn't funny.
[deleted] ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 06:47:53 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
[deleted]
[deleted] ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 07:14:33 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Oh, I know. I'm just pointing out South Park talked about it too.
Vitto9 ยท 21 points ยท Posted at 03:53:29 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Everything is funny or nothing is.
I love comedy. I listen to it almost as much as I listen to music. I have been offended by a few jokes, but I've never been angry over them. I know that there have been jokes I've laughed at that have crossed the line for other people. Oh well. Listen to enough comedy and you're going to get offended. All or nothing.
marr ยท 9 points ยท Posted at 08:42:00 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Here's the question: Is the butt of the joke a strong target, or a vulnerable one? Roasting someone who's trying to deal with real life right now and doesn't need your bullshit is just bullying.
Cheesusaur ยท 7 points ยท Posted at 11:03:22 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Peep his twitter, he's man enough to insult people, he's man enough to be insulted.
Vitto9 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 12:32:16 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
He's a professional comedian who spends his days making jokes. Some of those jokes are at the expense of other people. If you can dish it out but you can't take it, you're the bully.
Such_A_Dog ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 15:59:36 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
When you mean everything is funny, do you mean bad jokes too? I think that guy on Twitter made a terrible joke. I don't think it was funny. You'll find a lot of jokes are terrible and unfunny.
Vitto9 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:20:25 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I mean that it's not up to us to say what you can and can't joke about. If we say "You can't make that joke because it offends me" then we open the door for other people to do the same, and these days people take offense to pretty much everything. Sometimes jokes will be bad. Sometimes they'll be in poor taste. Sometimes they're just written badly. But censoring comedy because it offends you is still censorship, and goes against one of the key freedoms afforded to most western nations.
Want to sit out the national anthem? Go right ahead. Want to tell a joke about a man's recently deceased wife? Have at it. Want to draw a picture of Mohammed getting butt-plowed by a goat? That's your right.
I don't have to agree with you to defend your right to free speech. Freedom of speech isn't supposed to protect the speech that we agree with.
Such_A_Dog ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:26:25 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)*
I really liked your first paragraph, that helped me work it out in my head. It's just a joke after all, no point to care about it. I guess it elicited the proper reaction, and it wasn't even told to me! This sounds weird and I think is very flawed logic, but its not that I don't want any jokes to be off limits, I just hope that no one found that guys joke funny. Does that make any sense? Its hypocritical, I've laughed at so many terrible jokes but that is just how the brain is wired eh? You seem to have a good way of thinking, thank you for the first reply.
just_to_annoy_you ยท -12 points ยท Posted at 05:31:25 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Sure...the joke is funny. But Oswalt should never have been the mark. That's just cruelty, not comedy.
Uhura_Sits_Backwards ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 20:42:36 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
All jokes are fair if they make even one person laugh.
not-hardly ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 13:24:51 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Some things are not always funny.
The difference is where the value is derived.
If it were always day we wouldn't need a word for night.
Such_A_Dog ยท -1 points ยท Posted at 05:10:18 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Can't beat popular opinion.
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 10:44:34 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
The internet hasn't been talking about anything else for the last week. I doubt he hasn't heard of it unless he lives under a rock.
Bill_Parker ยท 191 points ยท Posted at 20:16:58 on September 16, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Jesus. Upvote. If we're looking for the most "savage" comeback... This is clearly the winner today.
PM_ME_CONCRETE ยท 38 points ยท Posted at 23:07:47 on September 16, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
This isn't really a comeback tho, just some guy being an asshole out of the blue.
Foxyfox- ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 06:03:29 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Still pretty savage.
Bill_Parker ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 13:23:05 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
It's kind of a comeback.
Patton throws a lot of shade at other people on Twitter. He's a very very active tweeter. He says a lot of things publicly, and make his living as a celebrity.
So the idea that he was making a public remark and then somebody shut him downโalbeit in a completely non sequitur fashion, with a total redirect on topicโit could be considered a comeback.
I think we can all agree... It was SAVAGE as fuck.
Now, I'm now defending the guy. He's clearly a dick. That joke would have been cruel at a celebrity roast, let alone unprompted, out of nowhere on Twitter.
Eh... Maybe you're right. When I read it again it's just more of a sucker punch.
folkdeath95 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 06:09:17 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Is it really a "comeback" if he was saying something positive about the subject (Hillary)?
monkeycagefighter ยท -3 points ยท Posted at 04:49:42 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Comeback? This wasn't a comeback. Just a guy being a complete asshole.
UwasaWaya ยท 211 points ยท Posted at 20:48:53 on September 16, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Jesus Christ, that's a bit much.
switchn ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 06:29:04 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
One might even consider it savage
An_Innocent_Bunny ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 04:07:04 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Yeah, definitely not a proportional response.
herper147 ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 13:43:45 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Think you're missing the point of savage
[deleted] ยท 15 points ยท Posted at 04:59:46 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
[deleted]
bmhadoken ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 18:05:15 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
No, "haha your wife's dead" 6 months after TOD is never funny.
[deleted] ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 07:14:41 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)*
[deleted]
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 14:30:30 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
That's... Not what I said.
RhynoD ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:42:27 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
It's not funny when you don't know them, either, unless you're just an asshole.
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 14:30:00 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Most people are assholes.
NewMachinist22 ยท 400 points ยท Posted at 19:36:47 on September 16, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
That was unnecessary.
BubberDuckey ยท 429 points ยท Posted at 19:55:38 on September 16, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Savage behavior is only there to be savage. There is no necessity.
TheFatMistake ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 12:22:59 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Yeah but it's not really a comeback. It's just the savage. So it's just being a dick.
NewMachinist22 ยท -51 points ยท Posted at 19:56:37 on September 16, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
It probably hurt his feelings.
BubberDuckey ยท 62 points ยท Posted at 20:20:21 on September 16, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Hence the term #savage
NewMachinist22 ยท -38 points ยท Posted at 20:22:12 on September 16, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Yeah but most of the savage stuff I've seen is because the person deserved it.
BubberDuckey ยท 16 points ยท Posted at 20:33:28 on September 16, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Maybe you shouldn't take things personally for other people. Patton Oswald take about his wife on his stand-up on a regular basis. He had a thriving career making hundreds of thousands a year. You think he's gonna let his feelings get hurt by one dickhead on twitter?
[deleted] ยท 12 points ยท Posted at 21:06:47 on September 16, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
He probably thinks about this possibility every single day. So it doesn't take much to offend when it is confirming your darkest fears.
NewMachinist22 ยท -6 points ยท Posted at 21:11:57 on September 16, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Are you a fucking idiot? The guy makes hundreds of thousands of dollars so he probably wouldn't care about some dipshit making fun of his dead wife? He talks about her during his stand up? Does he laugh about her dying?
Jesus Christ you're a fucking scumbag moron.
BubberDuckey ยท 9 points ยท Posted at 22:47:06 on September 16, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Wow, you realize celebs take harassment from people constantly right? I'm not saying it won't make him slightly upset but it isn't going to make him pissed.
NewMachinist22 ยท 8 points ยท Posted at 23:59:47 on September 16, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
So that makes it okay? You realize he's a human being first and foremost?
Cheesusaur ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 11:10:25 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
A human being who regularly makes fun of others, I'm sure he can take it without getting offended.
NewMachinist22 ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 11:21:14 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I'm honestly not familiar with his comedy. Is he a, "ha ha, your wife is dead comedian"?
Cartermarket ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 07:02:18 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Man you are a huge pussy
Gabe_Noodle_At_Volvo ยท -6 points ยท Posted at 00:20:38 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
If he talks about his wife during stand up, he's either makeing a joke about her, or doesn't give enough of a shit about her to not try and exploit her memory and his own sadness for money.
Johnny_bubblegum ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 00:45:25 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
So because he made a joke about her we can do it to and to any degree we feel like right at him?
He's also been vocal about his depression and joked about it on stage. I'm gonna tell him to go kill himself hahaha... because he joked about this disease he had which robs you of all joy and happiness.
You fucking idiot.
Gabe_Noodle_At_Volvo ยท -2 points ยท Posted at 01:00:59 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Mybe he would be happier if he wasn't a massive fucking shill. Some of us can't just yell "woe is me" on a stage and make hundreds of thousands, or even millions of dollars. I've had loved ones wo've died, I've dealed with it, and I didn't disrespect their memory by joking about them on stage for money. I've been depressed, mostly for economic reasons, but I never made $1mil by telling the world how sad I am. I'm not saying we shouldn't be empathetic for his pain, but we also shouldn't be encouragin him to use people's empathy for personal gain.
Johnny_bubblegum ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 14:24:51 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Ah the old he has money, he doesn't deserve compassion...
Maybe he is popular amongst his fans because he is honest with them and very personal. Maybe he deals with tradgedies by making jokes about it... you know humor which is a common coping mechanism.
If he was a poor man on stage during open mic doing this you would never say this but since he's successful in his career and does this that makes him a shill. You're pathetic.
Gabe_Noodle_At_Volvo ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:23:04 on September 18, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
If a poor man went up on the mic trying to use his grief to make money, I'd treat him the same way.
Most comedians are depressed, maybe if he cared more about his mental health than money, he would stop doing stand up, or at least take a break to heal. It's like me complaining how depressed I am because of work even when I have 4 weeks of vacation I could be using to heal.
It's not like he can't make jokes off stage. He has family, and presumably friends he can joke with too.
TooMuchToSayMan ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:02:38 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I'm pretty sure he does it to help.
Darth-Pimpin ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 21:09:25 on September 16, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Clearly, savages had a firm grasp on how justice worked.
TreginWork ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 19:59:33 on September 16, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
He wasn't wrong though
SlothyTheSloth ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 06:45:41 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
It actually doesn't even really make sense.
GuruBushHippie ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 11:24:09 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
You spelled "hilarious" wrong.
castillar ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 01:03:03 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)*
It's OK, Patton got some of his own back when Martin Shkreli started trolling him. (More here.)
EDIT: Dropped this: )
superdisk ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 06:00:13 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Eh I'll give Martin a pass on this one just because of his twitter bio.
Good shit.
ZedHeadFred ยท 7 points ยท Posted at 04:44:18 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
A fat, mediocre comedian whining at a sickeningly rich dude just screams jealousy, not "getting him back."
Patton's a bigger tool than Carlos Mencia.
on_my_lunch_break ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 05:11:31 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Patton is popular on Reddit because of his numerous ties to its favorite fandoms. In reality, he's nothing special and really pretty obnoxious.
PlayMp1 ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 12:47:10 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I thought he was popular because he's just damn funny.
Cheesusaur ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 11:12:02 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Yeah, if you look at the whole conversation I'd say Shkreli beat him.
castillar ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 13:16:36 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
*shrug* OK.
ergotoamiga ยท 131 points ยท Posted at 22:41:24 on September 16, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
that wasen't really funny. that was just fucking cold.
elastic-craptastic ยท 26 points ยท Posted at 04:36:30 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
So "savage" would be better for a description, wouldn't you say?
TheFatMistake ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 12:24:09 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
But not "comeback"
elastic-craptastic ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 12:34:45 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
If you wanna split hairs and be pedantic, it's not a comeback in the strictest sense, but it's a comeback.
Patton came with with his question; It was a charged one being political and with everything going on. Dude came back with this burn. Was Patton talking directly to him? No. But he put it out there on twitter for all and some took it as a challenge.
So yeah, it's a comeback. You're not gonna change my mind. I'm not gonna change yours. We see these things differently on a fundamental level and depending on who you talk to one of us is wrong... but one is also right. You can be classroom correct and I'll be school yard correct.
bless_ure_harte ยท -11 points ยท Posted at 00:54:03 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
That was too far
at2wells ยท 22 points ยท Posted at 01:22:04 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Right. The thread OP asked for most savage. Id say this one takes it.
TheRipsawHiatus ยท 30 points ยท Posted at 02:38:13 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Right, but the most savage comeback. It's not a comeback if the person it's directed at didn't attack anyone in the first place. This guy's just being an asshole.
switchn ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 06:28:41 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
My god you're a pussy, why even open the thread.
bless_ure_harte ยท -1 points ยท Posted at 12:45:48 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Thanks
[deleted] ยท 14 points ยท Posted at 01:54:57 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
According to all reports though, it's not an accurate comeback. She had no known conditions or symptoms. It's a bit of a mystery.
Rev_Jim_lgnatowski ยท 15 points ยท Posted at 03:52:31 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
He could have shit in Oswalt's mouth and that still would have been more tasteful than that reply. Damn.
habitsofwaste ยท 8 points ยท Posted at 03:11:34 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Well I guess this wins most savage. And most fucked up. I hope he feels bad about it.
AlmightyRuler ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 05:43:17 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Probably not even a little.
everfalling ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 03:39:48 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
jesus christ. there wasn't even call for it. just straight up brutal for the sake of it.
RobotYoshimis ยท 23 points ยท Posted at 19:11:38 on September 16, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Damn! That was cold. Love it.
Jeff_From_IT ยท 68 points ยท Posted at 22:28:11 on September 16, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Almost as cold as Patton Oswalt's wife.
[deleted] ยท 8 points ยท Posted at 04:53:45 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Christ.
mysliceofthepie ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 14:30:03 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
r/jesuschristreddit
Uhura_Sits_Backwards ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 20:44:18 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Fuck man - good job!
ChadGnarly ยท 15 points ยท Posted at 21:14:09 on September 16, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
ice cold
robdestrob ยท 44 points ยท Posted at 21:42:43 on September 16, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Alright. Alright.
ALRIGHT ALRIGHT ALRIGHT ALRIGHT ALRIGHT ALRIGHT ALRIGHT ALRIGHT ALRIGHT ALRIGHT ALRIGHT ALRIGHT ALRIGHT ALRIGHT ALRIGHT ALRIGHT ALRIGHT ALRIGHT ALRIGHT ALRIGHT ALRIGHT ALRIGHT ALRIGHT ALRIGHT ALRIGHT ALRIGHT ALRIGHT ALRIGHT ALRIGHT ALRIGHT
[deleted] ยท 12 points ยท Posted at 00:05:32 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
OK now ladies...
Tchrspest ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 03:29:21 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Damn.... That hurt ME.
TheRipsawHiatus ยท 16 points ยท Posted at 02:35:09 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Hate to be a buzzkill, but this one is just mean. Patton wasn't even saying anything that warranted that kind of cruelty...
j8sadm632b ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:18:36 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
It's a thread about most savage comebacks, not necessarily most deserved ones.
letoast ยท 7 points ยท Posted at 06:13:10 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
But it's not even a comeback really, Patton didn't insult anyone, in fact he was doing completely the opposite. The dude who replied was just being an asshole.
j8sadm632b ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 07:04:41 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Well I think it fits the spirit of the thread, if not the most rigorously stringent interpretation of its letter.
wargenesis ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 13:50:23 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Well, he was trying to talk about Hillary in a positive light. I do agree this was overkill, but nothing good can come from Hillary.
TheRipsawHiatus ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 14:08:48 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Well I seriously doubt this guy changed Patton's mind about Hillary.
Seraphus ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 04:37:01 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Holy shit, this honestly should be the top comment. It's insanely brutal.
fosiacat ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:29:26 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
...wow
Breakemoff ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 04:07:23 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Holy shit that's bad. That's just fucking brutal.
egoods ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 04:40:33 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Jesus fucking Christ.
BakedBuffalo ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 04:43:40 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Fucking disgusting and deplorable, and totally uncivilized.
Clear winner of the thread.
Good night folks, letz pack it in.
TheW1ldcard ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:11:25 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Daaaaaaaaannnnng. WREKT.
j8sadm632b ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:17:15 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Dear lord.
That man had a family.
MotoMedic ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:19:46 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I see the funny! But damn, that was brutal!
WooWooPete ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:23:54 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Not really a savage comeback, thats a full on savage roast. I mean like
kek <---- this one kek kek Kek
Indoorsman ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:33:18 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I just yelled oooooohhhh about ten times.
Holy shit. Awesome.
surley15 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 06:31:29 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I don't get it
Monkeyrogue ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 06:33:33 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Considering the vitriol I've seen Patton spew in recent years....that's fucking savage.
I mean, if you're going to kick someone...you don't kick them to put them down, you kick them until they can't get up.
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 06:35:19 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
That crushed me, Patton was my favorite comedian, I really really liked, him, then I found out he's a douche who supports a torturer because she's a woman, and shat on AVGN because he dared to make a video refusing to review ghostbusters. I've lost all respect for him.
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 06:44:53 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
That's not a comeback though. It's just being a dick.
h4xrk1m ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 06:47:36 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
https://youtu.be/aZHvd0ks7Es
FluxOfInterpretation ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 07:31:23 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
/r/Jesuschristreddit
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 08:41:56 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
You can tell this one is so stone cold savage that it divides people into tiers of who finds this brutal (but acceptable) or repulsive (and unacceptable).
That's how you know this is the most savage one ITT.
Recidivist- ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 12:34:15 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I got collateral burns from reading that.
sayitinmygoodear ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 14:29:42 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Oh shit, that is funny as hell.
lizimajig ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:22:26 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Holy shit his wife died like not even a year ago what the fuck.
SkrublordPrime ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:22:34 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Holy shit.
Also piano screenshotted his own burn
fugly16 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 04:22:45 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
DAYUM, that escalated quickly
[deleted] ยท -11 points ยท Posted at 20:23:34 on September 16, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
It's funnier, because Patton Oswalt. Fuck you Patton Oswalt
Webbeth ยท 8 points ยท Posted at 21:24:40 on September 16, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
wait, why?
[deleted] ยท -9 points ยท Posted at 21:43:09 on September 16, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
He's a sanctimonious and pandering cunt. Funny guy though.
Definetelynottom ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 22:24:51 on September 16, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
But he seems like the nicest guy ever in all the stuff I've seen of him.
[deleted] ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 23:02:44 on September 16, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I'm sure he is. I just don't like when comedians (or celebrities in general) get all political. That's not to say I don't like political humor though. When I read his Twitter feed I just think "why are people so invested in what this guy has to say?" It's like the classic Dave Chappelle bit about Ja Rule.
Outside of politics, Patton is one of my favorite long form joke tellers. He's very good at telling stories.
jayare9412 ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 01:49:06 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
So comedians/celebrities don't have the right to have and express political views?
[deleted] ยท -6 points ยท Posted at 02:29:26 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
No, I should be more specific. My problem more so lies with the people that follow famous people and latch on to what they say politically. Especially someone like Patton who tells jokes on stage. What are his credentials for being a beacon on social media when it comes to Hillary or Trump? Including them in a punchline is one thing but I feel it's not his place to be 100% serious about them in a public forum. I believe a comedian's best outlet for their opinions is on stage in a humorous manner.
It has little to do with his views too. I agree with a lot of what he says even though I'm not as liberal. Like what Mos Def did later in his career (not sure if you're familiar with him or not). He's one of my favorite rappers and I say that honestly. Quiet Dog is my shit. I don't like the Bill Maher panelist version of him though, but I wouldn't hesitate to listen to a politically fueled album of his. (I can come up with more analogies, I'm super good at them)
TL;DR: When someone who creates things for a living begins to deviate from what they are loved and known for and expects the public to give them the same respect/attention, that's when I'm bothered.
neutronfish ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 02:34:06 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Yeah fuck those people for having an opinion and not merely obeying your mental image of them! They just need to shut the fuck up and crank out more of what you personally like, and if they state their opinions it better be the way you want them to goddamn it! Stupid creatives, thinking they're real people...
ScottWalkerFunTime ยท -1 points ยท Posted at 03:08:51 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Your facilely sarcastic and simplistic reply in no way addresses the complexities inherent in the user's comments.
Do you know how not to miss the point?
neutronfish ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 03:11:36 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
You've confused verbosity with complexity. I just avoided making the same mistake.
Torger083 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 04:13:44 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
/r/iamverysmart
TrapHitler ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 04:50:00 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
r/iamverysmart
proman97 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:06:47 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
"Not his place"
Seriously?
Mohumasta ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 23:31:48 on September 16, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Agreed
[deleted] ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 00:28:08 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
As much as I love me some Patton, this right here is the winner.
[deleted] ยท -1 points ยท Posted at 01:23:35 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
God, I doubt Patton will get back up after that one, just like his wife.
mondobeyondo ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 06:53:23 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
This is just a shitty and immature attempt at being "edgy". Have some fucking respect
TheJosh90 ยท -1 points ยท Posted at 04:31:18 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
im glad i had to come this far down the post to find the piece of shit bringing this back up. jesus fucking christ, people like you and the scum who wrote this need to fuck off
jchabotte ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 09:29:42 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I didn't say I agreed with it, I just pointed it out. That guy is an asshole for bringing a dead wife into it.
Esosorum ยท 242 points ยท Posted at 19:53:08 on September 16, 2016 ยท (Permalink)*
I saw a post on Reddit awhile back where a guy sent his ex girlfriend a picture of him and some new girl to make his ex feel bad. His ex responded with a picture of her hand wearing an engagement ring. He got all butthurt but man oh man, she is one person I would never mess with.
[deleted] ยท 92 points ยท Posted at 22:20:19 on September 16, 2016 ยท (Permalink)*
[deleted]
waltjrimmer ยท 29 points ยท Posted at 02:03:31 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
It's likely that the guy was trying to say, "I'm over you, I've moved on, I've got my shit together, what do you have?" He didn't expect her to have a better hand.
[deleted] ยท 10 points ยท Posted at 02:14:57 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)*
[deleted]
MuzzleBlast ยท 23 points ยท Posted at 03:58:41 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Nah, the chick was in the right, the dude, clearly a needy bitch who is not over the previous relationship was the insecure douchebag.
Lost_in_costco ยท -6 points ยท Posted at 05:32:58 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
The best would be to totally ignore it. By acknowledging it you'll make it worse.
UndeadVette ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:40:24 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
My ex still texts me periodically...I think she's trying to be friends? I just don't respond. I don't get it, that shit's over.
DaBabySloth ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 15:19:32 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Trying to be friends with your ex is like keeping your cat after it dies.
You only do it because you miss the pussy.
waltjrimmer ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 02:18:24 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I didn't say it made sense. I just meant that's what it was supposed to be. I've seen stupid drama like this enough to know, you can't apply logic to the actions or assume they're doing something that makes sense. It's an emotional action.
skineechef ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:32:37 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Ahh, the old "shoot from the hip" strategy
SkrublordPrime ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:26:01 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
She was kinda just responding, though.
Solarbro ยท 9 points ยท Posted at 00:12:31 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I would assume at least one of them isn't over the other.
Esosorum ยท 21 points ยท Posted at 22:44:58 on September 16, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
The guy or the ex? The guy... Idk, I guess he wants a smug feeling of victory and he's getting it by trying to exercise power over his ex's emotions. The ex? Her response was petty but I have a hard time disapproving of it since it was a relatively harmless - yet very effective - comeback. Standing up for herself in that way probably earned her a nice confidence boost.
Of course, I know neither of hear people so I'm pulling all of this out of my ass.
TasteTheRaimbow ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 05:52:49 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I'd definitely say the guy is the petty one here
YouNoahNothing ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 02:19:16 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
That you're insecure as hell
MuzzleBlast ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:57:57 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
"See you're not the only dumb woman to fall for my shit"?
torreneastoria ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:19:10 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
They probably aren't over each other but are trying to pretend to be. Oneupsmanship on both sides as the result due to deep pain and jealousy.
PM_me1bitcoin ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:27:18 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Right I notice that it pisses them off more if just act In different to it all
mykidisonhere ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:54:50 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Some people think you can "win" the breakup.
gun-nut ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 05:27:50 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
My favorite story about exe's, jealousy, and pictures is from MASH. Radar is writing a girl and she asked him to send her picture back because she wants to date someone else and is also a bitch. Do Hawkeye gets everyone in camp to give Radar a picture of a girl and he mails them all to her saying something along the lines of "I can't remember what you look like so here are some of the pictures girls have sent me. If you're not in there let me know and I'll send the rest."
[deleted] ยท 270 points ยท Posted at 17:33:33 on September 16, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Adopted kid is AK
Me: something something your mum!
AK: you haven't even seen my mum!
Me: Neither have you
Luckily the guy was cool so he just laughed it off.
[deleted] ยท 98 points ยท Posted at 22:56:04 on September 16, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
As an adopted guy, I use the 'which mom' thing all the time. They get really confused, then apologetic, and worried.
[deleted] ยท 7 points ยท Posted at 22:57:57 on September 16, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
unless they're gangstas like me
aint no1 steppin up to tha real g
fucking with adopted kids thats the life for me
just kidding
i just want pussy
:(
[deleted] ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 04:00:56 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I hear there's a pet store in town, it's the only way you'll ever get some.
HawkBlock ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 03:43:25 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
My biological mom cheated on my dad so I usually go with "Well she did sleep around"
moal09 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 06:01:43 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I have a friend whose mother died when he was really young.
Everytime we're making immature your mom jokes, someone will inevitably direct one at him, and he'll just go "my mom's dead.", and then it'll get super quiet, and then we'll all keep laughing anyway because he doesn't actually care.
Pretty funny when he busts it out around people we don't know though
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:55:40 on September 18, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
"Raising you wore out her heart by mental distress, like how I made her pussy raw by physical duress"
Hopefully it was heart related/suicide and she had a history of rape/child molestation. It would be funnier if he is significantly younger than me since then it can imply fatherhood and if no siblings the real cause for it.
It would be much more interesting when I know someone since then I dig much deeper emotionally, maybe even reaching the core that defines an individual.
If I want to entertain myself as a sociopath unlike someone's mother.
Cocainefueled ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:38:57 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I was at work giving shit to a new employee, he kinda got me with a zinger that I can't remember now, everyone laughed, I quoted Vince Vaughn's line from Dodgeball "you're adopted, your parents don't even love you", turns out he WAS adopted and when his new mom died, the father basically kicked him out and moved far away. He didn't say anything at that moment, but his good friend told me later, and I felt like shit. He now has a job in Chicago making mega bucks doing some corporate type stuff.
blanktextbox ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:53:40 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
A good friend of mine's parents divorced and each remarried a woman, leaving him with three moms. He likes assigning "your mom" lines to the appropriate one.
LukesFather ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:10:50 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I never got the whole, "You were adopted" ridicule. That means their parents chose them specifically. They wen't kid shopping and decided that you were the one they wanted.
bludvls07 ยท 100 points ยท Posted at 02:50:48 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Playing Halo on Xbox live and a bunch of guys were giving this kid (maybe 11 or 12) a hard time for being awful. The kid said something lame and one of the guys said "yeah come back and talk when your balls drop"
Kid responded "they just did on your moms face"
Game started and nobody moved because everyone was laughing too hard.
DarriusBlack ยท 7 points ยท Posted at 07:17:33 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Similar but in battlefield (3 I think).
Me: take off in helicopter and flip it crashing.
Kid (while eating chips all game): must be gay, you can't even fly straight.
Me (with no hesitation): Well maybe if you stopped taking pot shots at Chester Cheeto you could actually kill something!
He had the lowest score on the team. He left shortly after my comment.
curiouslyendearing ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 07:35:17 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
These are why my mic is always on mute.
underscore_mc ยท 157 points ยท Posted at 18:19:55 on September 16, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
"I heard your mom can't read, and thats really sad"
Heard at a soccer game, crowd was heckling the opposing goalie.
geared4war ยท 71 points ยท Posted at 00:11:13 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
"I don't have a mum. My dad and I share yours!"
peppers_ ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 03:53:08 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Hey. Its me your brother.
ReasonablyBadass ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 05:30:53 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Your dad is your brother?
Cartermarket ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 14:07:00 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
YO GIRLFRIEND LOOK LIKE MY MOM
Guac_Emporer ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 01:25:58 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Now that's just being a douchebag.
Just because the kid's mom can't read doesn't mean the kid should be absolutely scrutinized for it.
blank_zilla ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 03:52:33 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Was it a Canadian soccer game?
Shoelesshobos ยท 19 points ยท Posted at 03:38:15 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Any comeback that was written for Al Bundy. There are soo many savage ones he said over the years.
stefaniey ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 06:13:00 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
"Well I'd say it behind your back but my car's only got half a tank of gas!"
TheDarkWave ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 10:33:21 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
"With every bullet so far!"
J4788 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:35:29 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
peg...
spiderlanewales ยท 17 points ยท Posted at 04:33:38 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I don't know one worse than one I nailed a guy with who hung out at our auto shop for a while.
This guy was a straight up deadbeat dad, 21 years old, made zero effort to see his kid even though we watched him respond to the kid's mom via text (asking if he could stop over and see his son) with lies about how he was busy at work...every single time.
His entire life consisted of hanging out at a trashy local bar drinking, smoking dabs, and trying to tell other people how to live their lives while he didn't have a job and relied on handouts from anyone and everyone.
ALL THE FUCKING WHILE, he'd be talking to someone he was just meeting and wouldn't miss an opportunity to throw in "well, as a father..." or some other remark that made us all both laugh and silently pray for his poor kid, whose dad was a few miles away, stoned off his ass thinking of him as nothing more than a conversation piece to make himself sound important.
We'd been talking about booting him from the lease for months, because we just fucking hated him, and we hoped for his kid and kid's mom's sake that maybe taking away his place to get stoned would shock him into getting his shit together.
One night, we just started ripping on him, making fun of him brutally. Sometimes he'd try and laugh it off, sometimes he'd try and defend himself (some things, you can't defend.)
His final quip was, "I just researched and bought the best car seat available!" (He hadn't seen the kid in months, though he could've gone over literally any time.)
I normally watch my words, but it came to me so fast that I couldn't stop myself.
"Oh, wow, man, so you bought yourself a place to keep your dust collection?"
He processed it, looked like he was about to kill me, and then stormed out of the shop. We seriously never saw or heard from him again. We took his name off the lease and that was that.
He doesn't have any social media that he checks regularly (only a Facebook he uses to creep on his exes,) so I don't know where he's at today, but I seriously hope with all of my heart he's made some effort to clean his shit up and be in his son's life.
love_pho ยท 142 points ยท Posted at 22:41:52 on September 16, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Back when I was in college, I was walking to class behind some high school kids. They were carrying on, and the one girl with them yells out "Fuck all, y'all!" and tries to hurry ahead. One kid calls after her, "well, you already done James!"
[deleted] ยท 8 points ยท Posted at 04:50:17 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)*
I remember this time I high school. Asshole comes up to me and asks "How much did you have to pay to get admitted into the school?" (Implying I wasn't worth the school)
"I fumed for approximately 20 minutes, and then called him over. Arrogant fucker actually put his arms around my shoulder, only to hear in my politest Hindi "I pay the same amount your mother charges at the brothel."
He got so pissed he called up his friends to hit me with them, and then I thrashed all three.
Edit: High school was pretty interesting in terms of comebacks.
littlecampbell ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 06:27:12 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Those Marauders are fuckin savage
Budborne ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 04:18:53 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I believe you mean she said "Fuck, all y'all". I got confused for a second.
PedanticPinniped ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 04:47:39 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Nope, "Fuck all y'all" is pretty common, think "Fuck all of you" but way more fun to say
stealthxstar ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 04:50:17 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I think they were referring to comma placement.
Budborne ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 06:16:00 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
This
PedanticPinniped ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 12:58:46 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I've re-examined the comment and realized that I am not smart
Hereliesmeoverthere ยท 125 points ยท Posted at 23:01:31 on September 16, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
"What are you? A fucking pussy." "Well you are what you eat. That's why you're a dick."
Best served when you walk away backwards with finger pistols.
benderisgreat356789 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:45:45 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
My 8th grade math class, we were in groups of 4, but 2 desks to me were facing each other. M, a douche (sorta), A, a girl me and M were crushing on, like hard.
So M and A are talking and they're pretty loud so I could over hear it, and M says "you are what you eat". With out missing a beat and to impress with quick thinking skills, I said "no wonder you're such a dick." M put his head down, while A kept laughing. Made me feel good.
ColtChevy ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 04:17:16 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
You sold me with the backwards walking finger pistols. I can just see Ryan Reynolds do that exact scene.
fulltankofgas ยท 15 points ยท Posted at 04:16:16 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
In a high school history class, we were discussing birth control for some reason. Some kid blurted out, "but what about the pull out method?" Teacher responded, "didn't work for your parents now did it?"
IKaeden ยท 15 points ยท Posted at 04:27:12 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
In middle school, a friend of mine made a "your mom" joke. With the straightest face I could I said, "My mom is dead..."
Without missing a beat he goes, "is that why she wasn't moving when I fucked her last night?"
Springheeljac ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 05:56:11 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
That joke's like King Tut, old and lame.
Trevoke ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 13:05:39 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Your friend watched Baseketball?
[deleted] ยท 15 points ยท Posted at 06:12:36 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
[deleted]
BaeCaughtMeLifting ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 10:00:18 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Omg lol that's brutal
yassenof ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 14:34:17 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Do they reference it a lot?
danger_dragon ยท 155 points ยท Posted at 22:24:30 on September 16, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
An argument between a cholo and lesbian girl in hs. Cholo: shut up you dumb lesbian bitch! Lesbian: I get more pussy than you you fat mother fucker! class goes wild
allora_fair ยท 9 points ยท Posted at 01:55:07 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Once I was on a train sitting across from a bunch of irritating 12 year olds. I was trying to tear off the plastic on a fancy ass pen, and my nails were cut short so I was having trouble with it. The little shits were having a field day, all 'OOOHHH YOU CANT OPEN A PEN', etc. etc. I told the, that I kept my nails short because I played guitar. Little Douchebucket said, "Guitar's gay. Like you."
Jokes on them because I am pretty fucking gay. I responded with, "Yeah, cos I still get more pussy than you."
RexSueciae ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 04:17:37 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
reading Hm, they have short nai--ohhhhhhh got it.
ngabear ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 17:42:28 on September 18, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
"That's why I fucked your bitch you fat motherfucker"
ShitTalkingAssWipe ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 02:02:18 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Cholo?
I'm 19 and already feel old :(
danger_dragon ยท 21 points ยท Posted at 02:18:38 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
cholo= mexican gangster... term has been around forever
ShitTalkingAssWipe ยท 7 points ยท Posted at 03:04:06 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
guess ive been too sheltered... lol went to jewish private school, never really spoke with any legit mexicans
Rolloverbeethoven93 ยท 8 points ยท Posted at 03:14:48 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
That's straight terrible Holmes.
[deleted] ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 04:59:30 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Ay holmes, is all good.
[deleted] ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 04:28:31 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I grew up in a town with a 35% Mexican population and a gang problem, I assisted as a translator in an ESL class, and I'd never heard it either. People would say vato for that.
TrapHitler ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:00:10 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
That is no bueno holmes.
Pi-Roh ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 05:04:58 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
What's an example of an un-legit Mexican? Coming from Los Angeles, this is hard to picture :P
Navi_1er ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:04:19 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Question, why does that make you feel old? I'm 21 and listening to people talking about how good Brotha Lynch or Xraided are makes me feel old.
TasteTheRaimbow ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 06:05:32 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Do you not feel old when you hear children screaming about being lit fam because this mixtape is fire
Navi_1er ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:29:59 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
No, then again I hardly hear children say that.
ShitTalkingAssWipe ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:51:50 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
what the fak r those
moloizer ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 05:02:13 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
If he was a mother-fucker, he'd still be getting a decent amount of pussy.
koleslaw ยท 100 points ยท Posted at 17:48:29 on September 16, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
You got feminine hips!
traced_169 ยท 125 points ยท Posted at 18:57:31 on September 16, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
"No! That's the one thing I'm sensitive about!"
<3 John Mulaney
bookhermit ยท 11 points ยท Posted at 02:52:14 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Looka dat high wasted man!
thebananahotdog ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 04:33:57 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
One of my TAs in college was a certified bra-burning feminist. We had just read some article that she interpreted as sexist, so she finished with a feminist tirade about women in science and such, then left the room.
The awkward silence that followed was broken by my buddy thusly: "you know, she's got some good birthing hips."
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 04:07:44 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I like my feminine hips. There are a ton of bi girls at my school, I only attract them more! MOAR!
TorielTrash ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 06:26:48 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Encourage the gay. Increase the gay. All the gay.
FailedSociopath ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 06:30:46 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
seXXY
Cocainefueled ยท 45 points ยท Posted at 05:18:40 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I'm late, and no one will ever see this, but I am proud of my comeback a few years ago.
A woman I met at my neighborhood bar had lost a lot of weight with the stomach stapling, or gastric bypass, or whatever they call it now. She was very proud of it and we sat in my car in a parking lot and she showed me all kinds of pictures and Wikipedia articles about the procedure and when I asked her why she didn't eat better and work out, she said just didn't have the willpower to stop eating, so she took a shortcut.
When she finally decided I wasn't a dangerous person a few hours later, she drove to my house and came inside. I sat down and lit a cigarette and she hit me with how nasty and cancerous and the usual (true) things people say to smokers. I told her it is truly a hard habit to break and I've tried several times but always start again. She said it easy, just don't smoke.
Straight away I said, "well I wish there was some kinda surgery I could have to skip over the hard part of quitting, making my lungs smaller or something, but as it stands I gotta put in work, no shortcuts."
She did NOT think that was funny, made up some lame excuse to leave, went home and told her mom what I said, expecting moms to show sympathy. She told me her mom fell out laughing in her face and then she and I became cool again.
GopalSangra2593 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 11:18:48 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Haha, check yourself before you wreck yourself?
mizuki710 ยท 77 points ยท Posted at 02:29:44 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
After a server runs around to do her best to serve a table of very trashy looking bunch of black women the woman paying asks the server mockingly,
"Do I HAVE to tip you?"
Server replies,
"You don't have to, but if you don't, that's slavery, and I'm sure you know more about it than I do."
Server is Asian
BaeCaughtMeLifting ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 09:39:59 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
brilliant.
SoulessSolace ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 22:16:46 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
This is stupid, she already get's paid.
mizuki710 ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 00:56:02 on September 18, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
In America, that's two dollars an hour.
SoulessSolace ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 01:34:51 on September 18, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Then her boss is committing slavery, it's not all the customer's fault that America has shit labor laws and that the asshole of a boss is taking advantage of them.
Geerid222 ยท 109 points ยท Posted at 00:45:35 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I was smoking and reading at a coffee shop (in the smoking area). And a woman with her two children go by me, she let's out a "ugh, I hope you die of lung canser."
As a knee jerk reaction I glance up and say " I hope you outlive your children" and go back to my book.
Thatretroaussie ยท 23 points ยท Posted at 03:23:08 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Holy fucking shit that that was brutal.
wtimusprime ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 05:51:07 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
The wording of it is perfect. "I hope your kids die" wouldn't have that kind of power.
micro435 ยท 8 points ยท Posted at 06:25:19 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
If you had done it without even looking up, that would have been the new dictionary definition of savage.
Geerid222 ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 17:58:20 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
But then I wouldn't have been able to confirm that she did indeed have the "I want to speak to the manager" haircut.
SkrublordPrime ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:28:39 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
jesus fucking christ
[deleted] ยท 13 points ยท Posted at 04:43:09 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
[deleted]
[deleted] ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 10:33:50 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Ooh, nice. I'm going to bank that and use it one day.
[deleted] ยท 15 points ยท Posted at 04:47:02 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Friend was fighting with his girlfriend.
She says to him You have a tic-tac dick
He replied I know, that's why your best friend always has minty breath
ForeverLoading ยท 51 points ยท Posted at 04:23:49 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Hunchback kid who stayed back a year in high school accidentally bumped into a massive land whale, who shouted "watch where you're going hunchback!" to which he replied "I got this way from giving girls like you piggy back rides."
goldengoon ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 08:11:58 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
This was one of my favorites so far
Tartooth ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 11:40:51 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
"it's hard to dodge a whale!"
PM_ME_FIREBUSH ยท 407 points ยท Posted at 21:40:31 on September 16, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Campus preacher told us about the evils of homosexuality. He said people thought he was gay when he was younger. He talked about a dream he had where there were two naked homosexual men and two cows, and how he realized that the cows were smart because they weren't naked. (I don't get it, either)
Campus Preacher: "And when I woke up from that dream"
Me: "With a woody"
ThatWasTaken ยท 137 points ยท Posted at 02:08:38 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Similar story: I was at some teen night thing held by a church where kids could gather and hang out, but had to listen to a brief 30 minute or so preaching:
Priest guy explaining what hell is like: "...hell is eternal darkness. Nothing but burning flames and pain-"
Kid without missing a beat: "how is hell so dark when it's flames everywhere?"
MuzzleBlast ยท 27 points ยท Posted at 04:00:31 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Legit question really.
Flying__Penguin ยท 8 points ยท Posted at 05:00:05 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I'm pretty sure there are places teens can go hang out where they don't have to get lectured about Hell first.
mightybonk ยท 7 points ยท Posted at 08:19:51 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Back when me and jesus were coo' n shit, this was discussed in bible study.
Hell is separation from god, and god is frequently referred to as "the light". Hell, being separated from light = darkness.
So the darkness is metaphorical.
The 'fires of hell' and references to flame are likely also metaphorical.
Old testament sacrifices to deal with sin were always burnt. Fire is an easily relatable negative environment: heat, smoke, burning.
Many religions have a different practical idea of hell:
The important thing is to snort and ask hard questions when people talk about this shit, so good work.
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 10:23:12 on September 18, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Sign me up.
AlmightyRuler ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 05:48:47 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Everything I know about Hell I learned from Viggo Mortenson:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Bjq09PRgHOA&ab_channel=javilo33
C12901 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 03:06:25 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
His response?
gun-nut ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 05:39:05 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Your eye balls get burnt out so you can't see.
Rocketfinger ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:16:31 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Yeah I think you were trying to reply to the thread above
gun-nut ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:58:54 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Yep
avatharam ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 04:48:49 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
http://blogs.spectator.co.uk/2016/02/tory-mp-heckles-jeremy-corbyn-who-are-you/
pure savagery.
isThisNormalllllllll ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 00:14:58 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
LoL
Diablo_Cow ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:11:05 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
He at UMD? We've got a dude who says similar shit but I never pay attention to him long enough to hear the second part of his story/rant/sermon/whatever but the first part sounds about right.
[deleted] ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 05:35:16 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I swear every campus has one. Here at ASU, we have two and it's funny because they kinda hate each other.
SirWarwickHarrow ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 12:32:11 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
PSU?
wesw02 ยท 25 points ยท Posted at 00:36:34 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
In high school history class. A girl is sitting in front of a guy who she was known to have recently hooked up with. The guy and another dude are making jokes about penis sizes and the guy says, "It's not the size of the boat, it's the motion of the ocean" as he taps the girl on the shoulder for validation. And the girl immediately turns around, gives him a look and says, "Yea, but it took a long time to row to france."
I'm still laughing 10 years later. Maybe you had to be there ยฏ\_(ใ)_/ยฏ.
Ian1732 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 13:54:44 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
That was absolutely Shakespearean.
randomisation ยท 100 points ยท Posted at 19:01:01 on September 16, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
"If you want my come back, you'll have to scrape it off your mum's teeth!"
Jimmy Carr
pjabrony ยท 89 points ยท Posted at 21:08:05 on September 16, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Ha ha ha ha ha haaaaaaaaaaa!
minkshaman ยท 8 points ยท Posted at 21:32:46 on September 16, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
There it is.
1Baffled_with_bs ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 03:34:13 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
If i want lip i will pull out my dick.
WhenTheBeatKICK ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 04:05:49 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
my high school buddy would always say if you want a come back you can take it from my upper lip.
trying to imply that I'm gay, but in reality he's the one who got his face cummed on. wasn't the brightest one on the block for sure, one of my biggest regrets was hanging out with this dude for several years...
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 10:11:57 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
i remember the first time I saw this, could not stop laughing. jimmy is brutal
Kozlow ยท 26 points ยท Posted at 01:48:45 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)*
On patrol in the projects one day. Little kid comes out of the lobby and says to my partner 'Sup white BOY'. Without skipping a beat my partner says 'Hello black boy'. Not really savage, but kid definitely wasn't expecting that.
thevelvetunderfrown ยท 8 points ยท Posted at 07:36:18 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Is your partner Dwight K. Schrute?
Cat4President ยท 138 points ยท Posted at 19:08:16 on September 16, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
A buddy was walking through highschool with his gf, when her older brother who wasn't his biggest fan yells at them: "I can't believe you're dating that pussy"
To which he responded "You are what you eat, which is why she's dating me"
XtremelyNiceRedditor ยท 11 points ยท Posted at 03:28:06 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
"Dude she's your sister have more respect"
KlassikKiller ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 00:22:42 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
That was really ballsy so I'm not sure what to believe.
Shin-LaC ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 00:03:43 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
How is that a comeback?
antillar10101 ยท 25 points ยท Posted at 00:45:04 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
He's reminding the older brother that he's fucking the guy's sister.
F19Drummer ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 04:56:34 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
If he doesn't like the guy, he sure as shit won't like being reminded the guys plowing his sister.
Mafur_Chericada ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 00:39:44 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Insinuates he gets laid more than older-bro
o11c ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 05:10:55 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Willingness to engage in cunnilingus is one of the most important items on the list when women rank lovers.
0728john ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:26:27 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
You are what you eat is a quote from confucious
JP193 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 04:22:00 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
This has to be considered a really specific way to even make any sense.
Any other order and it sucks, for example 'girlfriend is dating dude because she chooses to make him into a pussy'.
bless_ure_harte ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:56:28 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I dont get it. Halp?
donuthell ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 02:41:43 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
He eats pussy
bless_ure_harte ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 03:43:46 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
The bf or the brother
TrapHitler ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 04:58:57 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Both.
commonabond ยท 47 points ยท Posted at 23:55:53 on September 16, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I was at a family get together and my mom was talking about random stuff and she started mentioning my aunt's (this aunt isn't really around anymore because our family had problems with her) boyfriend Alan died to my uncle. All of the sudden she remembers something and interrupts herself with "Oh, guess who came into the store last night!" Without missing a beat, my sister says "Not Alan."
Itsnotironic444 ยท 24 points ยท Posted at 22:41:45 on September 16, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
This annoying know it all at work said, "I'm going to take some time to finish my schooling." I said, "oh that's nice, what grade are you trying to finish?"
UnctuousObliquity ยท 13 points ยท Posted at 00:29:11 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
When I was about 18 my friend was showing off how brave he was that he'd gone to buy a condom, and then commented he didn't realise that it would expire in two years. At this, another friend just said "no chance".
NobilisUltima ยท 12 points ยท Posted at 04:47:48 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
"If you look up stupid in the dictionary, you'll see a picture of yourself"
"At least my dictionary doesn't have pictures, you fucking idiot"
joder_ ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 17:35:18 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Underrated comment
postapocalipstick ยท 13 points ยท Posted at 04:52:19 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I read stay away filing complaints for Philadelphia court.
There is an oral dispute. One woman says "don't hit me I'm pregnant!"
The other woman says "your face isn't pregnant" and punches her in said face.
Brilliant.
shitbiscuitlowlife ยท 86 points ยท Posted at 04:25:16 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
My friend was standing at a bus stop smoking a cigarette. A girl walks up and says "you know cigarettes are bad for you?"
Without missing a fucking step he says "my grandpa lived to be 103"
She replies "did he smoke cigarettes?"
"Nope. He minded his own fucking business. "
He then proceeded to throw down his cigarette and walk on to the bus which had just arrived.
SpookiestBus ยท 7 points ยท Posted at 06:48:08 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Seriously, people who are smoking know that shit's bad for them, the fucking box has a picture of a cancer ridden lung on it, for fuck sakes.
HybridxReality ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 08:21:14 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Not in the US.
GingerBeardThePirate ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 16:07:56 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Yeah but we know its bad in the US, there are plenty of ads shoving it in your face.
HybridxReality ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 21:14:36 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Definitely, no doubt. People know what they're getting into.
VizaMotherFucker ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 06:53:53 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I had a similar thing happen to me. Was smoking before work, and this guy, who couldn't've been younger than 75 says "Smokin' will kill ya!"
"Yeah? So will old age."
hammondpineapple ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 08:32:49 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
When I was seven, I told a lady that smoking would give her cancer. She said if I didn't like it, to go away. Years later, she's got cancer. There's my savage comeback.
Itstheonlyway_k ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 05:12:19 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Sayvage
Ch3apwh1skey ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:54:17 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Will be using this from now on
welcomebackalice ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:41:50 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
like a boss
SpencerJin ยท 177 points ยท Posted at 20:06:47 on September 16, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I was walking down the hallway with me and my Friends as a junior in high school, and some freshmen came up and asked me and one of my other friends, we are both Asian, if we knew kung fu, and with no hesitation my friend said I know kung fuck you, you racist piece of shit.
eatonsht ยท 29 points ยท Posted at 22:29:30 on September 16, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Is that a northern or southern style?
elmoteca ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 23:05:12 on September 16, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
It's Laotian!
[deleted] ยท 7 points ยท Posted at 03:38:28 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)*
[deleted]
[deleted] ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 04:07:00 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
It's insert extremely long, sterotypical sounding Asian country that hasn't been around for centuries
soldier01073 ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 01:14:20 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Its long dick style
rocksredgrassblue ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:09:06 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
shaolin style
Daedalus871 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:42:48 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I think it's tiger mom style.
factorblue ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 11:06:21 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
It's my "face-to-your-foot" style
jclives ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:42:56 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Doesn't matter, they still shit on the floor anywhere they happen to be.
00raeror ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:03:19 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Its strong style
allora_fair ยท 19 points ยท Posted at 01:48:50 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
This is not my proudest moment.
I just had my wisdom teeth out, and I was wildly high on Endone. Being an attached little shit, I made my boyfriend take me to the park so I could run around chasing leaves and hug him.
Enter a crowd of black youths on BMXs. They're all douches and they keep yelling at me and my boyfriend and calling us fried rice (I'm Asian, and he's a halfie). Without missing a beat, I turn around, look them square in the eye, and reply with, "Yeah well fuck off, fried chicken."
googleplex1000 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 06:31:29 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
That is fucking hilarious. How'd they react?
allora_fair ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 08:17:20 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
They were pissed, and I felt like I could take on Godzilla with both hands tied behind my back at that moment in time so my boyfriend had to pat me on the head to calm me down. Pretty hypocritical of them. They fucked off soon after, though, so I suppose it worked.
googleplex1000 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 16:06:16 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Hahaha so typical. They can dish it out but can't take it.
m15wallis ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 01:40:52 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
...so is that Chinese, or Japanese?
castillar ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:23:26 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)*
First thing that popped into my head, courtesy of Epic Rap Battles: http://i.imgur.com/n6yPTqo.gifv. (Sorry about the rough endingโquickie GIF creation job.)
EDIT: Fixed imgur link
Shin-LaC ยท -28 points ยท Posted at 00:06:43 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I can't stand Asian people with that kind of chip on their shoulder. There isn't even anything bad about knowing Kung Fu. I get asked equivalent things related to my ethnicity, and I don't chew people out or call them racists, because I don't have a massive complex of inferiority.
this_is_original1 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 00:54:48 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
At least people recognize you as Asian. I'm Asian-Indian, and I've actually gotten asked my race several times before by people who were close friends of mine. I appreciate that they're not willing to jump to conclusions, but gods, guys! - ever heard of context clues? I bring curry to lunch every day, does that not mean anything?
Shin-LaC ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 01:30:42 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I get asked where I'm from, and then people actually dispute it because I don't look like they assume I should.
this_is_original1 ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 02:38:01 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
/r/thingsonlysomepeopleunderstand
Metal-Marauder ยท 10 points ยท Posted at 03:36:23 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
At least a whore has a job.
Vorpak ยท 11 points ยท Posted at 03:59:55 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
A kid called me a motherfucker the first day of 6th grade. I told him to keep his mom off the streets and I wouldn't be. The P.E. teacher defeated us both.
Maximus125 ยท 10 points ยท Posted at 04:59:01 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
So in 7th grade we were analyzing countries in europe and the middle east, and this one girl got Afghanistan, the country with the lowest literacy rate than literally all the other countries by a mile.
She goes, "Aww, c'mon, why does mine have to be the lowest literacy rate?"
"Because you belong there."
JESUS FUCKING CHRIST.
Also, I read this online:
"It makes me so glad when two ugly people hook up"
"Oh? Who's the lucky guy?"
UppruniTegundanna ยท 11 points ยท Posted at 05:31:02 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
During the recent controversy about the new Ghostbusters, the Nostalgia Chick Lindsay Ellis tweeted something about how dumb it was to criticise a movie without having seen it.
She had previously made a documentary about having an abortion.
So one Twitter user responded to her Ghostbusters tweet: "Remember how you hated your baby so much, you killed before you even saw it?"
And after that tweet got a number of likes, they said "Wow, this is getting pretty popular, maybe I should make a documentary about it."
JoeyMxx ยท 664 points ยท Posted at 17:40:12 on September 16, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I have neither the time nor the crayons to explain it to you.
Geerat5 ยท 64 points ยท Posted at 20:27:18 on September 16, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
My Drill Sergeant was big on whipping out the crayons and having his 5 year old come and teach us
Sack_Of_Motors ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 02:45:20 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
....As always, relevant Terminal Lance
Manxman64 ยท 433 points ยท Posted at 19:46:29 on September 16, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
If you used this in real life you'd look like such a tool though honestly
[deleted] ยท 331 points ยท Posted at 20:34:31 on September 16, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Just like the "I would call you a cunt but you lack the warmth and depth" can you really picture anyone saying that? Its too pretentious.
BATTLECATSUPREME ยท 156 points ยท Posted at 22:04:30 on September 16, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Gordon Ramsay. Or pretty much any English person could pull it off
elmoteca ยท 51 points ยท Posted at 22:48:03 on September 16, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Wow, I can hear it in his voice. But not the angry, yelling voice. No, I'm hearing it in that quiet, icy tone that he saves for when he is most deeply disappointed in your dish.
the_last_fartbender ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 22:42:02 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Or when an Irish radio personality comes to his house and tries to show off by screaming and swearing like Gordon does on his show.
Gordon was not happy. Guy is dead now.
Not exactly related, but he did die of what Gordon hinted at.
castillar ยท 21 points ยท Posted at 00:54:00 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I can totally hear Alan Rickman saying itโhe'd couple it with that icy stare of his, and you could just watch the target melt into the ground.
stratoglide ยท 8 points ยท Posted at 05:01:24 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
A bit late for that isn't it?
PM_ME_YOUR_BUM_BUM ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 05:11:59 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Now I'm sad
stratoglide ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 05:17:01 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Should I PM you my Bum?
PM_ME_YOUR_BUM_BUM ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 05:19:20 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
YES
stratoglide ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 05:29:37 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
It's nice and hairy
PM_ME_YOUR_BUM_BUM ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 05:33:30 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I THINK I'LL PASS ON THIS ONE THANK YOU FOR BEING HONEST
stratoglide ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 05:43:39 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Ya don't even check post history before giving such a resounding yes!?
PM_ME_YOUR_BUM_BUM ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:48:08 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I'm a getting a bit desperate because I haven't had a PM in a while, so the prospect of one gets me rather excited. ;/
TheDarqueSide ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 03:46:56 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Ramsay can pull off pretty much any insult, though.
theeternalnoob ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 01:49:59 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Or a Scottish person... which apparently Ramsay is, huh, TIL.
j8sadm632b ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:20:15 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Yeah I was thinking Ricky Gervais could do it.
Scottz0rz ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:39:17 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I'm pretty sure only Australian and British people are allowed to say "cunt" without sounding like a cunt.
mitchell271 ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 23:50:03 on September 16, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
My favourite is, "I'd call you a tool but tools are useful"
Iezan ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 00:28:41 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
i would say that
when i play on minecraft servers and be mean to children to temporarily fill this dark empty void in my heartwhen someone is an asshole in real life!An_Innocent_Bunny ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 04:08:21 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Context is everything, which is why those canned insults almost never work.
paperconservation101 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 06:27:21 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Oh I've used it. It worked well as it was so outrageous.
Also Australian so cunt is fairly commonly used.
GeniusMike ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 07:47:42 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I've been using that one a lot lately after reading it on reddit. ๐
NightGod ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 09:38:04 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I've said it in real life before....to friends...in a joking manner. You're right that you'd come across as a shit monkey if you tried using it seriously, though.
evilbrent ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 11:32:14 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Frankly I'd just go straight to calling them a cunt. It's a classic for a reason.
JulietJulietLima ยท 7 points ยท Posted at 21:35:53 on September 16, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Oh, I would definitely say that.
legendary_dick ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 01:22:23 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
It's so recycled though...It might work if you're the first person who said it, but if you really try to use this as an actual comeback it's obvious you couldn't think of anything.
JulietJulietLima ยท -1 points ยท Posted at 03:09:59 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
This is probably true. It's clearly not something one thought up spur of the moment.
I'm still going to use it.
Faeriewren ยท -3 points ยท Posted at 23:36:36 on September 16, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
you probably sulk a lot and think you only listen to 'real music'
JulietJulietLima ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 00:19:21 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Nope, I'm pretty happy and I mostly listen to NPR and podcasts.
I do listen to music with my five year old daughter, though. Her current favorites are Yoshimi Battles the Pink Robots and Hooked on a Feeling. So, I feel like I'm doing a pretty good job here.
MuttyMo ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 03:01:34 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Can't be in a bad mood listening to The Flaming Lips!
JulietJulietLima ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 03:05:50 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Damn right. She can never remember the name and just calls it the robot song. Loves it. There's some talk of making me a pink robot costume so she can be Yoshimi for Halloween but I don't think anyone else will get it.
phforNZ ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 22:36:05 on September 16, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I've said it.
It's not something you can drop anywhere though. Definitely a time and a place for its usage.
chrisbechicken ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:41:18 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Yeah tons of people. I imagine most people would think it's pretty funny.
Abadatha ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 10:12:41 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I'm going to start using that one.
Yea_AboutThat ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:05:36 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I've said it to a co-worker and it was priceless to see her face. It was an absolute win.
Ibuadol ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 06:00:39 on September 19, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I would call you a tool, but tools are useful.
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 04:15:30 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Pretentious? I don't think so. If you are trying to be savage, that is exactly what I would look for in a comment.
[deleted] ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 07:32:24 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
It sounds like something a pretentious neckbeard would say.
Granito_Rey ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 05:48:47 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Yuup. Insufferable prick at an old job liked this one a lot. And he was an insufferable prick.
HiMyNamesServiceDesk ยท 7 points ยท Posted at 23:12:20 on September 16, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Just phrase it differently (or maybe this only works with my accent idk).
"Look, mate. I don't have the time or the crayons to explain this to you, so fuck off."
[deleted] ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 02:29:14 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I don't have the time or the crayons to explain it to you, KID.
raideroftheyear ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 12:20:10 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
It works for self-deprecating humor pretty well I've found. Was visiting a friend who goes to a different school that's an engineering major and one of his friends was trying to explain a concept to me that I was having trouble understanding so i just said, "I don't think we have enough time or crayons for you to explain this to me." And everyone loved it.
RiverSongTheDM ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 20:40:29 on September 16, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
idk I think it depends on who you are with and who the person you are saying it to is
Damnyoureyes ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 23:53:21 on September 16, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
It's just its phrased inorganically. "I don't have the time or crayons to explain it to you" is a much more speech-like way of saying it.
danny29812 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:53:35 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Depends on the circumstances. There was a guy in my physics class a few semester back who asked help with the homework. I had no problems with it, so I offered to help.
We head over to a study room and start working. Turns out, he doesn't understand algebra, adding fractions, or integration (calc 1 and 2 are pre-req and calc 3 is co-req). While I'm trying to patiently explain how to do substitution, he flips out and says he knows he is right, the book just made a mistake and the final answer is wrong.
I'm usually pretty level headed, but blatant disregard for your own stupidity pisses me off so fucking bad.
That's when I pulled the, "you're wrong but I don't have the time or the crayons to explain it to you sufficiently." I then gathered my things and left.
We took a test later that week, and he was one of the first to finish saying that was the easiest test he had ever taken. He dropped the class after getting his grade back.
One of my buddies, who was in the study room, still brings that up.
mightybonk ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 08:03:54 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Best way I've heard of it used is to just call someone "Crayons" like it's their name.
"Don't worry about ol' Crayons over there."
smegma_toast ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 09:43:44 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Isn't that kind of the point?
HighRelevancy ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 01:42:19 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I've used it to great success. Mostly kidding around with friends.
Kitbixby ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 05:37:02 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I could totally see Frank Underwood saying this
night-wing-politics ยท 71 points ยท Posted at 19:26:25 on September 16, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I think if you used this comeback you've immediately lost.
DICKTracey ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 09:38:18 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
It actually works if you say t after explaining something very clearly, yet the other person is just being ignorant and refusing to see logic.
"Look, I've already made it very clear, I COULD break it down further but I don't have the time or the crayons"
SOJUMAN ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 12:27:29 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
The best one I saw from the last post.
"I can explain it to you but I can't understand it for you too."
MyPointExzachtly ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 01:05:33 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
So like Godwin's Law, but for comebacks?
numberIV ยท 15 points ยท Posted at 00:37:59 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
What's the most savage comeback you've
heardseen repeated by literal autistic people on the internetwow_that_guys_a_dick ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 04:08:20 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Enh. This is just the r/iamverysmart version of "Do I gotta draw you a fuckin' picture?"
Games_sans_frontiers ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 23:39:22 on September 16, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
"Learn to write with a pen or how to use a computer you retard."
Hockeyiscool ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 02:56:06 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Why like stop
Meh_Turkey_Sandwich ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 06:05:29 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
If someone said that to me I'd laugh at how stupid they sounds.
MostlyHarmlessEmu ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 10:29:31 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
It's okay, maybe you'll move up to the big boy art supplies some day.
Kster809 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 11:40:26 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I prefer asking "Do you want me to draw you a picture?"
themudcrabking ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 18:27:13 on September 16, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I'm a big fan of the crayons one. Sometimes I mix it up by using "the assortment of multicolored sock puppets"
NinjaChemist ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:36:11 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I prefer "i can explain it to you, but I can't understand it for you"
madbaddangerous2know ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:07:14 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I like, "I can only explain it to you; I can't understand it for you."
nafan14 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 04:34:34 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Best one here (Y)
JulietJulietLima ยท -5 points ยท Posted at 17:58:02 on September 16, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
That's great. Absolutely using it.
Mafur_Chericada ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 00:33:34 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
well, guess im carrying crayons around now so i can attempt to explain things to stupid people.
DarwinDanger ยท 48 points ยท Posted at 00:03:41 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I remember being lectured to by an asshole at Liberty University right before Jerry Falwell died (thank JEEBUS).
He rounded out his speech by exclaiming "Everything worth doing is HARD!"
Kid sitting slouched over in the back "what about breathing?".
Entire room lost it.
Jericho4l ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 05:09:15 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I remember some guy once saying about Falwell "If you gave Falwell an enema he could be buried in a matchbox"
DarwinDanger ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 05:13:29 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
That was Christopher Hitchens
Jericho4l ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 05:26:37 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Yep. I looked it up to see who had said it after I had posted and he had some great ones about lots of people. Said about Sarah Palin "Sheโs got no charisma of any kind, but I can imagine her being mildly useful to a low-rank porn director.โ
goat_fucker_69 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 04:02:43 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
S/o LU. It's gotten better, kind of.
on1879 ยท 9 points ยท Posted at 03:06:38 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I went to a private school so there was a lot of pretty well of kids and while we were discussing different industry types in geography
The teacher asks what our dad's do for a living. One guy says his parents are unemployed, he's there on a scholarship.
Another guy starts laughing and asks him if he has to eat from bins too.
Teacher immediately asks, "What does your dad do, oh yeah I forgot...he's dead"
Silenced the twat but got suspended for it
BaeCaughtMeLifting ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 10:22:05 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
The teacher got suspended?
on1879 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:45:28 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Yeah, school wasn't too into the idea of insulting people's dead parents
chefdev ยท 12 points ยท Posted at 04:40:54 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I was at work with my uncle and cousins. Uncle is a smart ass. His middle son is quiet and only says anything when it's worth saying. Uncle keeps telling him to do something and he keeps saying no and doing it his way. The following is verbatim what was said.
Uncle "I'm gonna tell you what I told your mom 'SUCK MY DICK, BITCH!'"
Cousin, in a quiet, calm demeanor, "I'm gonna tell you what mom said 'Fuck off, small dick'"
BaeCaughtMeLifting ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 10:09:29 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Sounds like a roast that everyone gets a good laugh out of at the end. How was their relationship?
Kgk2013 ยท 28 points ยท Posted at 23:38:23 on September 16, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Tom from MySpace shredding a dude who acted like his company failed when in fact he sold it for $580 million. Told the guy to enjoy slaving away for a half-day off. Freakin' savage haha.
puffthemagicdragoon ยท 19 points ยท Posted at 02:43:09 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
My new history teacher and this kid were going back and fourth finally douchbag kid says " so why do you have all that dumb shit on the supplies cabinet?" (Teacher) they're things people who liked me leave so I'll remember them. Look in there deep enough you'll find your moms panties" just continues and acts as though that kid isn't gonna need a senzu bean
awpti ยท 153 points ยท Posted at 18:05:14 on September 16, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Friend of mine called me a loser
My response?
"You're almost 40, live with your parents and haven't had a job in over a decade... but I'm the loser. Got it."
Was a month before he talked to me again.
setfire3 ยท 59 points ยท Posted at 22:05:03 on September 16, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I know people like that, I feel so pitiful for them that I don't even want to make a come back because I surely know it will fucking obliterate them emotionally. my response to that is usually 'ok sure'
awpti ยท 48 points ยท Posted at 22:12:10 on September 16, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
He had been talking shit all day, I couldn't help but put him back in his place. He has an undeserved ego. Nice to pop it once in a while.
Carlosc1dbz ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 00:53:23 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Shoot, why hang out with someone like that?
setfire3 ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 05:04:23 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
middle/high school friends :/
CharmExclusive ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 05:06:37 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
That's not a good reason lol
setfire3 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 05:09:19 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
some time I get called up for a get-togethers for old time's sake, they are obnoxious at time because of their situations, I tried to be nice.
Carlosc1dbz ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 05:38:25 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Hey, I think thats cool. Nit everyone has the same opportunities and are at different places in their life. Its cool you can still hang out with them.
setfire3 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 06:19:50 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
thank you, though I feel like I deserve mine, i actually worked hard through school for it. While they played video games nonstop, and still do.
[deleted] ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 04:42:04 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
[deleted]
elastic-craptastic ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 04:50:08 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Sometimes they make it that way on purpose though. Like keeping a child stunted and not providing them the skills to take care of themselves Sometimes it's just sheltering a child gone overboard.
I work with a woman and her daughter and the daughter still needs permission to date at 21 or 22. She's a normal girl but still acts like she's 14 with her mom. She's not slow and gets good grades, but is just sheltered and stunted emotionally/developmentally(?) and I can see her living at home until she is married. That is if she is ever allowed to date a guy without her mom chaperoning.
[deleted] ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 01:44:26 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
That's the more compassionate thing to do. But far less entertaining.
setfire3 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:03:48 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
well, i AM pretty entertained by the fact that I am not a 40 years old dude living with my parents and haven't had a job in over a decade
SituationalAnalyst ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 05:10:04 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
We need more context, otherwise it just sounds like you're an asshole......
awpti ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 08:05:43 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I have no issue with being called an asshole. I can be.
We were having a rather heated debate and he stooped to name-calling when his arguments kept falling flat. He ended with "You're a fucking loser". What followed was my response. He earned it, in full.
Illadelphian ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 23:50:39 on September 16, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Honestly why are you friends with someone like that?
awpti ยท 10 points ยท Posted at 23:58:19 on September 16, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
He's a decent human being, he'll give you the shirt off his back. He's just a idiot when it comes to making his own life better.
[deleted] ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 04:53:16 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Uh-huh.
awpti ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 08:06:52 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
A person can have an ego and even talk shit.. yet still be a decent human being. It's not like he's that way every day of his life.
I kick him off his pedestal about once a year.
Illadelphian ยท -2 points ยท Posted at 00:05:01 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
The fact that he hasn't had a job in over a decade and is living with his parents makes it pretty hard for him to be generous though doesn't it? Does this guy sit around getting stoned and playing video games all day? Because that's what it sounds like.
awpti ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 02:40:52 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
He volunteers a lot. He's horrible at socializing and is wildly awkward if you don't know him. He simply cannot network with people.
ThisLilOme408 ยท 8 points ยท Posted at 02:07:47 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
As a middle school kid I was bullied relentlessly by this huge kid. He was about a foot taller than me and about 100 pounds heavier. He one day started making fun of my friends and I and one of my friends just spouts out, "Well you have more chins than friends". I'm surprised my friend lived to tell the tale, the guy was pissed.
Bunuvasitch ยท 32 points ยท Posted at 02:35:32 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I was in a Belgian cheesemonger, trying various delicious lumps of rotten milk. A Walloon strolls up and, without prompting, says "where are you from?" I've learned it's usually easier to say "America" overseas, so that's how I reply. He says, "You mean the US of A? There's more than just you on that continent, you know, not to mention Central or South America. I assume you aren't Mexican or Canadian anyway: they wouldn't presume the whole continent." I swallowed my cheese sample, nodded, and asked "You're from Belgium? Must be confusing speaking German all the time." Aghast, he replied "we do not speak German, we speak French or Dutch!" I smiled, gave him a thumbs up and said "You're welcome." The conversation ended and I enjoyed my cheese in peace.
Fenrir2401 ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 09:21:15 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
As a German, I like that comeback. Thumps up.
Notonefuckwasgiven88 ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 04:18:48 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Woo you really got him good.
ExpatriadaUE ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 12:55:27 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I don't think he did. This story never happened. German IS one of the three official languages in Belgium, besides French and Dutch, spoken in a small region next to the German border.
Fenrir2401 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 09:21:25 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
As a German, I like that comeback. Thumps up.
SeymourZ ยท -1 points ยท Posted at 05:48:59 on September 18, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Thanks for showing up in the 8th inning.
BizarroCullen ยท 51 points ยท Posted at 20:50:12 on September 16, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Tuco: "Listen, the neck at the end of the rope is mine! I run the risks. So the next time, I want more than half."
Blondie: "You may run the risks, my friend, but I do the cutting."
ariebek ยท 65 points ยท Posted at 03:30:10 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Obama: "I have no more campaigns to run"
Republicans: clap and cheer
Obama: "I know because I won both of them"
Surgebuster ยท 8 points ยท Posted at 05:58:49 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Rekt
[deleted] ยท 23 points ยท Posted at 03:35:19 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)*
[deleted]
Death_Pig ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 09:57:06 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
highest of fives
ChopsNZ ยท 17 points ยท Posted at 02:54:17 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
"One of the all time great bowlers, Glen McGrath was getting frustrated at being unable to dismiss little known Zimbabwean cricketer Eddo Brandes.
McGrath: โWhy are you so fat?โ
Brandes โBecause every time I fuck your wife, she gives me a biscuit.โ
Isadora_Bulova ยท 23 points ยท Posted at 04:30:43 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Snooty man tries to dish out shit to my friend for her tattoo (says 'mom', is on her foot)
"Oh, gee, what is that you have there little lady?"
"Either 'Mom' or 'Wow', depends on which way you're fucking me."
She's a gem
[deleted] ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 05:48:35 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Sounds like more of an invitation than anything
BaeCaughtMeLifting ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 09:44:12 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Doesn't really sound like a come back..
Isadora_Bulova ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 13:32:01 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
It was the way she said it, to shock him a little
spunkychickpea ยท 23 points ยท Posted at 04:36:00 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I was leaving school one day and walking toward the parking lot. There was a thick girl from my class walking a few feet in front of me and a loud-ass girl on her phone a few feet behind me.
The girl on the phone said "My massage was awful this morning. My usual girl was out sick, so they had this other girl filling in and...oh my god, she was so huge. She had to be like 200 pounds. I was so scared she was going to break all my bones. I mean, she's so huge and I'm so tiny."
The thick girl in front of me does an about face and goes "Bitch, don't even act like you're not 175 pounds. Ain't nobody gonna fucking break you."
The girl on her phone stopped dead in her tracks. The girl ahead of me kept walking like nothing happened. I caught up to her and whispered "That was fucking awesome."
TTLY_NOT_A_ROBOT ยท 8 points ยท Posted at 23:32:46 on September 16, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
"I don't know how your friends put up with you" "I don't know how your friends- oh, wait, you don't have any"
Mazzpal ยท 8 points ยท Posted at 04:47:47 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
A real big shit talker in High School named Tim asked a little peon kid named Seth to use his phone. Seth asked why and Tim said because he needs to call his mom before practice. Seth then said "okay hit 1 to speed dial your mother" the entire place erupted and none of us after 12 years have forgot that.
Barabanscikas ยท 9 points ยท Posted at 05:34:21 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
My friend was waiting in line to see doctor, when some older guy cut him off. Next to the cabinet his wife was sitting and waiting for him. So my friend said loudly "Ahh, I can afford myself to wait a bit, I still got more time left. " The look on her face was priceless.
label4life67 ยท 8 points ยท Posted at 15:26:36 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I'm a cop, we had a drunk arrested last St. Paddy's day. The guy was wearing a kilt, the one asshole on station no one likes (also the arresting Officer) says "So what do you have under that kilt?"
Drunk guy says "Your mother's lipstick"
The entire patrol room starts chanting "LET HIM GO... LET HIM GO!"
creamymuffins ยท 45 points ยท Posted at 18:04:52 on September 16, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
My buddy talking to some bitchy girls on campus "I wouldn't even fuck you with that guys dick"
Hotel_Arrakis ยท 7 points ยท Posted at 00:58:28 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
On one of the comedy central roasts, I remember hearing "I wouldn't fuck you with Bea Arthurs dick". The camera panned to Bea Arthur, who was not amused.
tvtb ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 05:38:37 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
"I wouldn't fuck her with a stolen dick!" - George Carlin
The_Land_of_Gar ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 13:54:34 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
My social circle has a guy who's kind of a manwhore. If there's a social disease, he's had/has it. We've been known to say, "I wouldn't fuck that with M's dick."
wyatt_3arp ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 21:15:04 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I loved George Carlin. That man was a genius.
HoTs_DoTs ยท 113 points ยท Posted at 17:36:19 on September 16, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
So I had this co-worker that was pretty much a bitch, both male and co-workers could not stand her.
I can't recall what she said to a male co-worker but I remember it was both quite rude and stupid.
And the male co-worker, who was actually a nice guy and quite smart, just looked at her and said, calmly, "yeah...we'll you're ugly". He then smiled and walked away.
She started to cry and she said 'he's so mean'. I, in turn, looked at her and replied with 'are you kidding? how many times have you been rude to me for no reason' and then I walked away.
Fuck that girl. Actually don't....don't stick dick in crazy.
Darth-Pimpin ยท 67 points ยท Posted at 21:11:54 on September 16, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
mighty_bandersnatch ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 02:11:15 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Both male and coworkers we will you are ugly
[deleted] ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 02:32:25 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Imagine if he said, "yeah... well fuck you" and this guy made the same error. We would have ended up with:
I wish I lived in that universe.
OverDragon42 ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 03:40:46 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
LMFAO I didnt even see the error at first OMG LFMAO
Atigerwithlaserbeams ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 00:01:49 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Besides, she's ugly.
Space_Enter ยท 7 points ยท Posted at 17:39:06 on September 16, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I don't know, crazy chicks are hella sexy.
HoTs_DoTs ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 17:41:25 on September 16, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Just make sure to change your number and never tell them where you work or live.
Space_Enter ยท 14 points ยท Posted at 17:44:06 on September 16, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
A crazy chick-if she really is crazy- already knows where you work, where you live, your number, your mom's address, your bestfriend, and where you keep the spare key that you didn't even know about.
ProMars ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 06:40:51 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
True fucking that. The day after I met my ex, she had already done a deep dive through my entire Facebook history.
Space_Enter ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 14:07:24 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Oh that's not crazy. That's "I want to make sure he's not into some kinky shit that I'm not into" or she's trying to see if you're a cheater. All girls do that. Except me, I don't give a fuck what my exes do.
homebrewchemist ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 02:55:08 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Burners, my man
My_Pen_is_out_of_Ink ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 23:44:10 on September 16, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
That'll be a problem with a coworker.
WeaverofStories ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 23:27:51 on September 16, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
The risk/reward ratio is too high, man. Not worth.
MrMeltJr ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:01:07 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I've stuck it in one crazy girl, broke it off, no repercussions. I decided to quit while I'm ahead, that shit was mentally and emotionally draining.
Space_Enter ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 14:05:46 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
But if you two crazy girls they'll kill each other before they get you. Nah, I forgot, can't date crazy if you have pets.
JasonJamesWasHere ยท 35 points ยท Posted at 04:16:34 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Standing in line waiting to get into some shitty nightclub with my slightly shorter than the average male friend. There's a group of really obnoxious drunk girls in front of us and one of them looks at us then looks back at her friends and says something that makes them laugh. So my buddy speaks up and says something about them being drunk whores really loud so that everybody in a 10 foot radius can here us. The girl who originally looked back turns her head and says something, which in turn causes my friend to call her a whore again.. That's when the hands of god swept upon her ego.
Girl: Who are you calling a whore? You're barely 5'2"
Friend: Bitch, you're barely a 5!
And the entire line including the doormen erupted in laughter.
BaeCaughtMeLifting ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 10:06:22 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
๐๐๐
youthetom ยท 54 points ยท Posted at 23:36:11 on September 16, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
So I'm sitting in orchestra and we're sharing our instruments for each other to play, goofing off before rehearsal.
This home schooled guy asks me if he can play my cello, and ofc i say sure and assume we would swap our cellos and play a bit because that's how instrument sharing works.
He puts his cello in his case, locks it, and comes back and takes it from my hands. My cello was something I bought on ebay for $400 (really crappy - i use it for orchestra playing where it can get rough), and he just yells out loud "WOW this sounds like FIREWOOD! Why don't you just BURN IT!"
i reply "I personally believe the artist, not the instrument, that plays the music"
Esarel ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 06:16:13 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
jesus is that a good price on cellos? I want to get one but good lord are they expensive.
Falcrist ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 06:47:57 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I can't think of a stringed instrument for which $400 isn't considered "budget". You should see what violins cost!
Shit's expensive, yo.
youthetom ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 12:17:32 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Yeah... If you want to get something you can play fir a while and grow into it's usually more thank 1k.
Factor in the cost of lessons and it gets real expenses :(
Conbanham ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 08:38:37 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Had the same experience but with a brand new driver. My boss tried it out, swung it into the dirt and said "well it can't be that good". I replied that it's the Indian, not the arrow.
New_Hampshire_Ganja ยท 7 points ยท Posted at 03:06:08 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
"Cry me a river" "I'll drown you in it"
SPOOFE ยท 8 points ยท Posted at 04:33:05 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
My buddy watching his lil 4-year old nephew gettin' into trouble... clambering on top of a chair to get more soda.
BUDDY: "[Nephew], what are you doing?"
NEPHEW (without missing a beat): "Kickin' your ass."
Dlconne ยท 7 points ยท Posted at 04:38:15 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Me and some buddies were talking junk to a little kid (high-pitched voice, obviously in elementary school) on Halo freshman year of high school.
One friend asked "kid have your balls even dropped yet?"
"The only place my balls are dropping are in your moms mouth!"
Mic drop. None of us had anything remotely close to come back with.
Springheeljac ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 06:00:47 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Someone else in that match posted this story.
cartwheelnurd ยท 216 points ยท Posted at 18:05:59 on September 16, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Your mother was a hamster and your father smelled of elderberries!
SteakShake69 ยท 59 points ยท Posted at 21:11:36 on September 16, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I fart in your general direction!
Definetelynottom ยท 33 points ยท Posted at 22:31:29 on September 16, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Once told this to a guy who was picking on another kid with some sort of learning disability (asberges, I think). I said it to try and diffuse the situation but the guy was so dumb that he took it seriously and started saying "what did you say about my fucking parents?!". This guy who'd been picking on kids all year was apparently more sensitive than Tumblr.
culady ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 02:38:24 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Seriously happened to me at work. This 55+ guy who was a total ass-hat and just such a whiner... one of our co-workers said that to him looking to make him smile. The ass-hat got all bent out of shape "he doesn't know my mother" and really offended. Idiot. He quit to work for another company. They asked if I was going to plan a party for him. I told them the party would be after he left.
TasteTheRaimbow ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:50:26 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Assholes tend to be sensitive, in both senses of the word.
King_of_the_Hobos ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 03:43:29 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Your mother was a murloc and you smell like a leper gnome!
T-Money93 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 04:56:52 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Wasn't this implying that the mother is a whore and the father a drunk?
Plumhawk ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 08:05:34 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Now go away or I shall taunt you a second time-uh.
AndyGHK ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 08:44:51 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I always loved the explanation for this line that hamsters are notoriously promiscuous and elderberries are commonly used in wine, so he was saying "Your mother was a whore and your father was a drunk" in a roundabout way.
fede37 ยท -15 points ยท Posted at 20:32:33 on September 16, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Is that from TV or Netflix?
cartwheelnurd ยท 14 points ยท Posted at 20:35:19 on September 16, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
It's from Monty Python and the Holy Grail
fede37 ยท -2 points ยท Posted at 10:52:29 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
How original.
SafariOleg ยท 45 points ยท Posted at 19:45:57 on September 16, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Lady Astor:
โWinston, if I were your wife Iโd put poison in your coffee.โ
Winston Churchill: โNancy, if I were your husband Iโd drink it.โ
TheRoboteer ยท 17 points ยท Posted at 01:00:12 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Tea. It was Tea
moejoereddit ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 04:44:55 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Was Winston Churchill a bad husband. He's played off like a hero but alot of his comebacks are defences of his shitiness towards women. Im basing this on this thread.
TyPiper93 ยท 26 points ยท Posted at 17:25:19 on September 16, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
You're a below average attractive person and don't read well.
pjabrony ยท 35 points ยท Posted at 21:07:24 on September 16, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
So you're saying I'm an attractive person? Sweet!
Gred-and-Forge ยท 35 points ยท Posted at 00:02:50 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I can't remember what college it was, but it had just had a huge fire that destroyed its library. Only a few days later, they had a home [football] game and some news crew was interviewing the coach of the visiting team.
Interviewer: "so what are your thoughts on the recent library fire?"
Coach: "Oh it's a real shame. I hear half of those books hadn't even been colored-in yet."
flacoman954 ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 01:09:21 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
That was Steve Spurrier
o0poop0oo ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:02:14 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
My favorite so far
genericusername26 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:16:44 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I don't get it.
Ch3apwh1skey ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 06:12:50 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Implying that the books in the library are coloring books
JohnnyRedHot ยท 147 points ยท Posted at 17:49:33 on September 16, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Sweet dollar tea from McDonald's - I drink that
Supa hot fire - I spit that
Two and a half men - I watch that
granpappynurgle ยท 116 points ยท Posted at 18:04:41 on September 16, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I broke up with my ex girl. Here's her number.
Psych, that's the wrong number!
ItsameLuigi1018 ยท 19 points ยท Posted at 19:44:34 on September 16, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
OOOOHHHHHHH!!!
meonmypotato ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 01:31:05 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I was hoping you'd link the gif that loops perfectly.
Edit: Here it is.
ItsameLuigi1018 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 03:39:07 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I actually had that gif bookmarked on my desktop! But I wasn't home at the time and that was what I could find quickly
meonmypotato ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 04:08:00 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Well, at least you have your gifs properly available. I don't keep tabs on gifs, and so I end up losing opportunities for some of them sweet, empty-carb karma points if I can't remember what it's called.
FoodBasedLubricant ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:21:25 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I'm not a rapper
leviolentfemme ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 21:43:20 on September 16, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I make money- ITS NOTHING.
xyz66 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 11:43:17 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
But im not a rapper
Throwingthisouter ยท 7 points ยท Posted at 01:41:28 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I know these days it isn't very shocking, but in my granddad's day it could be quite an insult if someone called you a motherfucker. His go-to reply?
"You keep your mother out of my yard and I'll keep my yard out of your mother."
Smkyb77 ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 15:04:30 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
My wife and I decided she should try to cut my hair to save a little time and money. She grabs the clippers and goes to work, my then 8 year old daughter walks up and I ask her, "How does it look?" Her response was, "What do you need to hear daddy?"
Mentoronto ยท 48 points ยท Posted at 17:41:57 on September 16, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
"The jerk store called, and they're running out of you!"
LordFunkenstein ยท 17 points ยท Posted at 18:59:17 on September 16, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Whats the problem? You're their all-time best seller!
Bartimus_Prine ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 00:51:41 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Well I had sex with your wife!
Lyun ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 04:40:47 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
His wife is in a coma. bonus reference
jmkinn3y ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 12:11:28 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
That was bad
Mentoronto ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 14:28:32 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Was a good one if you know the reference
TheWeekdn ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 23:24:59 on September 16, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Seinfeld !
doc_moses ยท 38 points ยท Posted at 00:35:40 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I was in math class and these two thug dudes were sent to our class. They were fucking around and started telling the teacher about how they were going to drink later with some girls and get them drunk to have sex. after that one of the guys started asking one of my friends if he was with this girl tiffany. he said yeah. the guy started talking shit like " ugh shes not even good looking bro, shes nasty." my boy is turning red....he calmy looks looks at the guy and says " atleast I dont have to get a girl drunk to sleep with me" I jumped up quick and did the "ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooohhhhh!!!!!!!!!" the guy got real quiet after that and i just kept laughing. Not savage but damn it was perfect timing
SilentPs ยท 13 points ยท Posted at 03:19:31 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I gilded a guy once for burning an aussie poster by saying "don't you have better things to do, like wondering which flavor of kangaroo dick is the best."
EdCorcorans16bucks ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 12:10:43 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
That was worth gold to you ?
quasifandango ยท 13 points ยท Posted at 03:40:27 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
We had a few pizzas at a work meeting one day. Someone went to open the box and knocked someone else's empty paper plate on to the floor. He looked up at her and said, "Look what you did you little JERK."
Everyone froze and was totally silent. Then I laughed because apparently I was the only one that understood it's a quote from Home Alone.
[deleted] ยท 10 points ยท Posted at 23:38:59 on September 16, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
[deleted]
Atheizm ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 09:31:52 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
It's from Baseketball.
NovaRogue ยท 17 points ยท Posted at 01:45:24 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
So.... A lot of people apparently don't understand what a comeback is. It's not just an insult.... It's a quick, clever, & savage RESPONSE to somebody else's insult.
TheRisingBlade ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 00:31:16 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
It wasn't ultra savage like the posts in this thread, but due to the fact that it came from my 50 year old gym teacher, it was savage.
I was joking around in gym class, and said the normal "That's what she said" phrase.
He enters the gym, and using the most goddamn casual voice said: "No she didn't Blade, no she didn't"
My classmates reminded me of it for the rest of the year.
SlightDementia ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 01:23:53 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
When the Nazis occupied Paris, they conducted a search of Pablo Picasso's apartment. They noticed a print of "Guernica" (the original painting is mural-sized) and demanded, "Did you do this?" Picasso replied, "No, you did."
EmotionalEater ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 03:05:57 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I'm a former college athlete. One of my teammates was significantly older than the rest of the team because he went into service right out of high school before starting college. He was 25 or 26. But anyway, during a practice one of the freshmen was making fun of this guy for him being an old man. And he replied by saying "Hey you're a cute kid. I thought I pulled out."
ibrakeforsquirrels ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 03:56:26 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
MIL was complaining about the hot weather when I said "If you think this is hot, wait until you get to hell.."
Tatsukko ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 04:23:32 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Math class in 10th grade, a 1.5m (5 ft) tall guy won't stop talking. After a while, the teacher goes:
"The size of your tongue is inversely proportional to your height."
Sneakyferret07 ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 04:31:05 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Conversation between my friends, A and B: A: Hey B, wanna hear a joke? B: Is it your penis? A: Yea, its a real knee-slapper!
He's still scarred to this day.
ThelWhitelWolf ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 04:41:40 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
"What the hell is that garbage music you're listening to?"
Well it's supposed to be bitch repellant but clearly it isn't working.
Legend_Zector ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 04:42:01 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
"Were you dropped on your head as a kid?"
"I think I was actually dropped on your head, the landing was pretty soft..."
Gmansam ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 04:42:56 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Professional dress day at our school and the best dressed class wins pizza. The principle comes in and counts how many people he sees dressed professionally and one kid asks, "What about me?" The Principle says, "Yeah, as a professional garbage man".
Turns out the kid ended up going home and crying and the mom notified the principle. There is no more progressional dress day at our school.
Gingertthunder ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 04:47:50 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Super late but Fuck it. I was over a friends house playing halo with him when someone decided to send him a message full of trash talk, like " 1v1 me bro, and I fucked your mom ETC." My friend cooly and campy responds with " I came over your house last night, had your mom dress me like a French maid, and tie me to a chair, so I could watch her peg your dad." The guy quit the game.
rocopotomus74 ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 04:50:19 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
My ex's new bloke was giving me shit. I said "every time you kiss her, remember. I had my cock in her mouth".
Talkingarb ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 04:56:04 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
"are you even listening? It's like I'm talking to myself over here"
"if you were talking to yourself you would probably be thinking who's this dumb fat cunt talking to me"
kevin349 ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 06:15:01 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
In like 10th grade this one "cool kid" says to a nerdier kid:
Nerdier kid:
[deleted] ยท 12 points ยท Posted at 00:24:17 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
From a roast me some time ago. I saved that mother fucker for eternity.
"You're that girl who thinks guys find constant snark and sarcasm attractive until the day after you hit menopause and you're sitting around your shitty apartment with 10 cats and you finally have a sudden moment of clarity and realize what went wrong."
Legend of Zelda
[deleted] ยท 29 points ยท Posted at 17:35:04 on September 16, 2016 ยท (Permalink)*
[deleted]
MilitaryFish ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 22:28:18 on September 16, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Might explain why your wife is a cow
[deleted] ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 22:33:35 on September 16, 2016 ยท (Permalink)*
[deleted]
MilitaryFish ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:10:19 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Sorry for the double post
this_is_original1 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 00:55:39 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Don't be sorry - some buffalo need double posts to stay inside.
MilitaryFish ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 22:28:50 on September 16, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Might explain why your wife is a cow
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 22:32:25 on September 16, 2016 ยท (Permalink)*
[deleted]
MilitaryFish ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 00:10:00 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Sorry for the double post
FoodBasedLubricant ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:17:29 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Tommy Chong
2glamtogiveadamn ยท 14 points ยท Posted at 03:57:14 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I work in a kitchen and these two cooks were arguing about something I'm not sure how it started but all I heard was this, Cook 1: I don't care man shut the fuck up before I drive over to your mammas house and give her some fat dick.
Cook 2: my Mom's dead dude....
Cook 1: I DON'T GIVE A FUCK I'LL SKULL FUCK HER TEETH OUT YOU LITTLE FUCK BOY MOIST PUSSY ASS BITCH!
Fists were thrown and I laughed so hard I had an asthma attack
G4Hu ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 06:36:40 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
And no more food was served that day...
cyclopsrex ยท 12 points ยท Posted at 19:14:01 on September 16, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Hit 'em Up by Tupac
OriginalTravokk ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 13:46:24 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I feel like this needs more exposure.
mikeninelungs ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:06:23 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)*
Tupac used hit em up
https://youtu.be/eYG8almTvJo?t=552
jardosh ยท 10 points ยท Posted at 22:46:12 on September 16, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
"Your anus must envy all the shit that comes out of your mouth!"
Dogbleep ยท 8 points ยท Posted at 03:59:33 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Once I stared off into space and when I came too I was staring at a girls boobs, so in the most valley girl-esque, bitchy voice she says "I have a boyfriend"
so In my infinite wisdom I respond "So do I"
the whole room went silent, a friend said it was the most savage thing hes ever heard.
The_gay_mermaid ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 00:02:36 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Senior year. Kid came into homeroom late Teacher: You're late! Kid: Dude, I'm only a little late... Teacher: Where'd you get that line? Your girlfriend?
flawlessp401 ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 04:05:39 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
"If I wanted your opinion I would have taken my dick out of your mouth and asked for it!"
Pretty popular when I was in High school, usually ended in a fight.
cybercifrado ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 04:13:32 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
More efficient version of that is, "If I wanted your lip, I'd rip it off my zipper."
dactat ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 04:33:43 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
"You ask a lot of questions, what are you writing a book?"
"Yeah, bend over and we'll make it a love story."
teaching-man ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 04:48:47 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
A student asked me when the last time I had sex. I told him to ask his mom, she was there. I kinda regret that.
syriquez ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 04:50:19 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)*
Back in high school, my friends and I were sitting in the lobby just chatting and bullshitting. I don't remember the context but my friend Mike said something about the word "fuck". In response to that, one of the female members of our group exclaimed, jokingly, "Oh no! My virgin ears!"
Without even a second of hesitation, Mike responded, "Your ears? I doubt that." She looked rather upset and went silent for the rest of the time we were there.
Everybody laughed and just continued on another subject but... Yeah, I felt bad about her reaction to that retort and I wasn't even the one that said it. Convinced Mike later to apologize and admit he wasn't meaning anything by it, just ribbing her. She seemed to be okay with that so all was well between them.
(A few weeks later, she told me why it hit her so hard. Her parents were/are kind of crazy high achiever shitbags and... Well... Let's just mention how they bought a home breathalyzer kit for their daughter that I personally knew for a fact never drank...they were just assholes that would force her to prove it. So yeah, emotionally abusive parents to a pretty high degree. The night before, her parents had spent some time accusing her of sleeping around.)
Vocalscpunk ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 04:50:53 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
A coworker made the typical:
"blah blah blah with your mom last night" joke
My response (albeit a lie) "my mom's dead" which I thought would shut him up...
His reply "hmmm I guess that explains why she didn't put up much of a fight when I fucked her in the ass"...the room was instantly silent.
allenahansen ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 04:52:52 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Classic old favorite (insert oppositional entities as required):
Two gentlemen are about to exit the mens room:
Gentleman A regards Gentleman B with disgust
Gentleman A (haughtily): At Hah-vahd they taught us to wash our hands after we urinated.
Gentleman B: At Yale they taught us not to piss on our hands.
upvotemoneycat ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 12:36:52 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Remarkable that they had to learn these lessons at University.
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 10:31:28 on September 18, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
It was in his special ed class.
[deleted] ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 04:54:21 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
So there was the really annoying kid in my seventh grade science class back in the day and he sat next to me and a good friend of mine. So we're doing this worksheet and he gets this very obvious and simple answer wrong he realizes this and yells " I'm an idiot!" She gives him this very sympathetic look and says " it's okay, admitting you gave a problem is the first step to recovery." We all died laughing
hablomuchoingles ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 04:55:51 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)*
I remember watching a Native American movie called Smoke Signals. One little shit was being mean to another little shit, conversation went something like this:
"Victor! Hey, Victor, what do you know about fire? No, really, Victor. I mean, did you know things burn in colors? I mean, sodium burns yellow...and carbon burns orange, just like that. Hey, Victor, heard your dad's living in Phoenix, Arizona, now. Man, he's lived everywhere since he left you, huh?"
" Is that so, Thomas? You know, I was wondering, Thomas. What color do you think your mom and dad were when they burned up?"
Edit: found real quote.
TrashySamurai ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 05:28:37 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
This one has made my wife and I laugh a lot.
At one point we were hanging out with another couple and they were arguing. She was complaining about how he never did anything, and he was a waste of space, blah blah same crap that we always hear. Then in the stream of bitching that he was receiving she whips out this phrase out. "You are a bad egg. You know when you pick up a dozen of eggs and you look at them to see if there are any cracks? You are the cracked egg, you are the reason a dozen gets put back on the shelf." damn.
zombiemakemelol ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 05:39:42 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I'm currently a substitute teacher. Asked a student to get to work, he said, "Your not my dad!" I replied, "How do YOU know?"
I immediately regretted saying it but I didn't get fired, so there's that.
[deleted] ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 05:52:16 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Really fucking late to the party.
My senior year of HS my AP English Lit teacher hated me and my friends because we were part of an academic group that he wasn't a head coach of.
Also, being the only 4 guys in a class of liks 50+ girls, we were pretty fucking annoying because we were always trying to get our dicks wet.
One day, we came to class late because we were watching a soccer game during lunch and he starts lambasting us about how we are useless and academic failures and how out program is shit and what not.
Oh, most important part of the story, he has cerebral palsy so he needed crutches to walk most of the time or if he didn't he would walk with a CRAZY limp.
Anyway, he keeps jagging us about how soccer is useless and then brings up that it's un-American.
I tell him "dude you like the Seahawks" (this was pre beast mode and Russel Wilson)
And he says: "I like Football because it's a man's sport. Only real athletes play football. Anyone can kick a soccer ball."
To which I replied: "You sure as hell can't."
It was silent as hell as we both caught eyesight for what seemed like hours until one of my friends started cracking up and then everyone started laughing.
I had detention for the rest of the year.
Fucking worth it.
Fuck you Mr. R.
PFnewguy ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 05:52:26 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
The quiet kid in my elementary school got braces a year or so before everyone else did. Bully constantly made fun of his braces. One day kid responds, "At least what's wrong with my face can be fixed."
trumpculture ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 05:54:13 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Jeb Bush: ""My mother is the strongest woman I know."
Donald Trump: "She should be running."
real_bwayne ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 06:26:45 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Once when I was teaching school kids some web design stuff. There was one kid who was kind of "hot shot" and he kept trash talking for whole time. At some point he asks me how is it possible for baby to survive abortion (!?) and in matter of seconds principals tells him go ask your parents. I literally needed 15 mins to come back cause I was ROFL.
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 08:52:24 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
NERD ROFL
FinancialFartdom ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 07:17:54 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Oh man! I wish I would've got in on this sooner cuz I got a doozy.
Senior year of high school I was walking to creative writing class with my friend. Lately my friend had just been randomly shouting or saying/responding with "it was all just a freak masturbation accident." To everyone, all the time. Well I dared him to say it to my creative writing teacher on the way to his class. They had never met before.
He walks up to him, says with a semi-straight face, "Mr. P, it was all just a freak masturbation accident!" My fucking teacher perfectly smooth without hesitation replied, "...you were?"
Sad thing is only the 3 of us were in earshot.
umop-apisdn-wI ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 07:55:31 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
(In an interview)
John Oliver: You've stated that you believe there could be an infinite number of parallel universes. Does that mean there is a universe out there where I'm smarter than you?
Stephen Hawking: Yes, and also a universe in which you're funny.
itsgitty ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 08:40:45 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
So I don't think this is that incredible but it was at work so it was pretty savage. I work with basically all older people >40 ~ 50 and we sometimes have some group conversations and everyone is pretty down to earth. So one guy I talk to the most, often about politics or music, was contributing to the convo talking about the many sports he played in highschool or college. He says:
"Oh yeah I was very athletic, I was on the baseball team, the football team, and even the basketball team at one point.
A brief pause occurred when I gracefully replied:
"Wow that's amazing. How were you able to warm that many benches?"
Before I even realized how savage it was everyone had burst out laughing. He was laughing as well but I just immediately felt embarrassed for him because he was kind of reluctantly taking the joke and saying "nice you really got me". Everyone laughed for probably 30 seconds and he still brings it up occasionally in a somewhat indignant way
TheUnknownR1se ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 09:14:48 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
my friend had a fight with some weird kid my friend: im gonna fuck ur sister tonight bro weird kid: i dont have one my friend: in 9 months u will have
SIS-NZ ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 11:58:54 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Winston Churchill was pretty good. This is entirely off memory, so please correct me if I'm wrong:
Lady Astor: (to Churchill)...If you were my husband, I'd poison your tea.
Churchill: If you were my wife, I'd drink it.
That's pretty savage.
Also...he was being boorish at a soiree and a woman said to him "Sir, you're drunk!" to which he reply "Madam, you're ugly...but in the morning I'll be sober."
Westpar ยท 35 points ยท Posted at 00:41:52 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
College Biology class, instructor talking about chemical composition of various bodily fluids. Semen comes up (pun intended) and how it's composed of mainly glucose. A female student raises her hand and asks, "If it's made of mainly glucose why doesn't it taste sweet?"
Professor, without missing a beat, "That's because the sweet taste buds are on the tip of your tongue, not the back of your throat."
Mango_Punch ยท 14 points ยท Posted at 04:22:36 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Taste bud geography actually isn't true... You'd think a college biology teacher would know that
[deleted] ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 06:53:27 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I'm sure the real ones do.
Falcrist ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 06:50:51 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
The instructor probably knew it was wrong and used it anyway, because sometimes technically correct isn't the best kind of correct.
JovialSeaCaptain ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 06:59:02 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Yar har hah hah har
OptimalCynic ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 08:00:07 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
That's a terrible joke, not a comeback you've heard.
eine666katze ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 04:27:07 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Okay but why does cum not taste sweet. I'm not that knowledgeable on biology
slugposse ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 06:05:25 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
It's bitter because it's alkaline to protect sperm in the acidic environment of the vagina.
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:58:46 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
BAHAHAHHA
HeresTIMMAY ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 06:08:17 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Greatest comeback ever.
[deleted] ยท 7 points ยท Posted at 17:14:31 on September 16, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
[deleted]
HEY_GIRLS_PM_ME_TOES ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:29:23 on September 16, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
That's pretty damn rough
SeymourZ ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:35:44 on September 18, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
To be fair, whoever said that was justifying being a slut.
Moizyyy ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 04:58:54 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
In our group of 3 friends one of my friends, we'll call him Tom, was dating a super bitchy girl, Katie. Tom decided to ask my other friend, James, after seeing a picture of him wearing glasses "Since when do you wear glasses?"
James without missing a beat responded
"Since I couldn't see why you're with Katie"
Tom did not have an answer.
[deleted] ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 10:20:58 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Katie is a hot girls' name, though.
Charella1216 ยท 16 points ยท Posted at 22:45:05 on September 16, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
One day me and my mates were having a laugh together, but there was one guy there who would annoy people. We all started taking the piss out of each other as a joke when he pipes up "charella1216, you're like cheese from a burger, you melt all over the meat" So I said "you're like the gerkin, no one likes you but you're always fucking there"
[deleted] ยท 7 points ยท Posted at 23:38:21 on September 16, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Slightly off topic. I love gherkin and thought it was an English national treasure. Maybe it was just a London thing.
plz2meatyu ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:59:44 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I always pronounce that in my head as jerkin.
Charella1216 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:21:31 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Eewww you gross
adifferentmike ยท 10 points ยท Posted at 02:21:31 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Be me in the Air Force, early 2000's. Walking with a buddy who's carrying an aircraft generator on a cart... the cart tips and it falls on the ground, broken stud.
Fellow shop guy hears it, points and says "Haha you dropped a generator!"
Buddy points to him... "Haha your a divorced drunk who declared bankruptcy!"
fixgeer ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 06:02:01 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Good on him. It's cool to give people a hard time, but laughing when someone drops and breaks something is just stupid
Spartacus3321 ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 23:52:07 on September 16, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
More of a diss then a comeback but:
"You don't have a lazy eye, you have a lazy face a round it"
From a battle rap I watched. That shit is gold for stuff like that. They literally get paid to disrespect eachother.
Link: https://youtu.be/CBfPCI5k2II?t=24m34s
John-Carlton-King ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 03:37:38 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
In high school, a boy was complaining about women being shallow, only caring about money and looks, etc. Generally sounding like a red pill type.
The response was, "They don't dislike you because you're ugly on the outside; it's because you're ugly on the inside too."
He didn't like that very much.
N3koChan ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 04:24:27 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
"Now I understand what people were saying."
And just walk away without saying anything else.
clarque_ ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 04:47:00 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
We live in a low-income apartment complex. The kids just run rampant in the parking lot with no supervision. There's this one kid that bullies all the other kids and he's like half their size.
One day this kid is pushing the other kids into my car. So I go out there and tell them to get away, and he says something snarky. It wasn't important enough to remember. So I just looked at him and said "your mother would have swallowed you". A little while later his deadbeat mom came and yelled at me for it.
There's nothing quite as satisfying as insulting a kid and then him having to ask his mom to explain it.
kinejit ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 04:57:20 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
While serving in Iraq with the Australian Army I was in a mess hall with a friend having lunch. The mess hall was shared by soldiers of all nations, lots of Americans. At the end of the table were four big American black soldiers who looked as though they'd just come from the gym. American Soldier: Hey Aussie soldier how come I see a lot of you Aussie soldiers around here but I don't see any Aboriginal soldiers? Me : It's just that the company we came out with doesn't have many Aboriginal soldiers in it. American Soldier: Nah ... you guys are all racists to which all his mates agreed with. Me: no seriously they aren't many Aboriginals in the company American Soldier: No No you guys are all racists. I let it go for a minute or two Me: hey American soldier ... Where are all your Red Indian soldiers? to which him and his mates burst out laughing ... thank fuck
littlecampbell ยท -2 points ยท Posted at 07:07:45 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I mean, calling a Native American a "Red Indian" is kinda fuckin racist
kinejit ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:11:17 on September 18, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
spur of the moment mate, wasn't meant to offend
lessrbass ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 08:28:09 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Americans can't even get it right, can't blame an Aussie for not getting it right either
Coffeezilla ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 09:45:01 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I won't hold it against an Australian, they have no reason to know better.
EmperorStan ยท 8 points ยท Posted at 00:03:21 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
"Your cousin killed himself to get away from you"
sucker punch to the jaw
I dislocated his jaw and chipped a tooth
azerty1976 ยท 75 points ยท Posted at 17:04:29 on September 16, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
if ever i'm suicidal, i'll climb your ego and plummit to your IQ
[deleted] ยท 164 points ยท Posted at 18:03:52 on September 16, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I can't imagine saying this outloud. I would involuntarily cringe.
robdestrob ยท 15 points ยท Posted at 21:48:11 on September 16, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Yeah it's too much to say in one sentence. If I want to make the suicidal roast, I normally go with 'is it murder to annoy someone to suicide? Because that's what your doing to me."
DMBumper ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 01:21:15 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
That's two sentences. A question. Then statement.
robdestrob ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 01:26:30 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Im aware. Im saying that its too much in one statement. Im not smart enough to think if a witty comeback in one sentence, but I'm smart enough to make a comeback about suicide.
SpaceCowboy58 ยท 13 points ยท Posted at 00:33:00 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
That cringe is your body's built in urge to tip the fedora that you aren't wearing.
MrMeltJr ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 02:03:42 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I have a fedora in a box somewhere at my parents house. I feel it... calling to me... I must tip something...
benzene-effect ยท -7 points ยท Posted at 05:22:00 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
The insult is great but needs refinement.
"If I'm suicidal, your ego to your IQ will be the death of me."
scarabin ยท 12 points ยท Posted at 00:57:27 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
i'm pretty sure you have to be wearing a fedora to even say something like that
TheDroopy ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 01:50:58 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
"I'd jump from your ego to your Elo" flows better but the argument has to be game related
Toxicitor ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 14:49:34 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
How about "If I wanted to die I'd jump from your ego to your IQ"
Flows nicely without any pauses, and uses modern language. It's a bit of a mouthful, but it's the shortest way I can think of saying it.
Brodoof ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:21:15 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Yeah, say that in an argument without sound retarded, go ahead.
-JEBUS_CRUST- ยท -1 points ยท Posted at 02:04:28 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I read that as eggo... like the waffles. I'm hungry.
AidenKraver ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 23:38:21 on September 16, 2016 ยท (Permalink)*
I've been running a criminal empire of pop selling in school for years. This kid takes two out of our mini fridge in my locker and runs away so I yell at him is that how fast u run when the pizza place opens up.( he was fat).....
WheresMyMoneyDenny ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 00:23:42 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
You fight like a dairy farmer!
strumdowner ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 06:50:43 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
How appropriate. You fight like a cow.
GodEmperorPePe ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 00:34:54 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
"Im on my knees, begging you to give me another chance"
"If you had been on your knees with me more and others less, we wouldnt be having this conversation"
best breakup ever
MrGBSM ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 00:56:23 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
So, kinda late, but whatever. A couple friends and I were sitting at a table, eating. Friend A announced that the bottom of his pizza looked deformed. Friend B promptly replied with "Dude, it's not a mirror."
anandlpatel ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 01:48:59 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
"That's why your mom's in a fucking wheelchair!" -some kid - Donald Glover
sdfree0172 ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 02:05:14 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Well, the jerk store called and they ran out of you!
advantagecp ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:14:07 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
T-Bone!
maverick_21 ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 03:21:49 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I was hanging out with a group of people and among them was a guy - real irresponsible type, alcoholic, can't deal with responsibility - and his teenaged daughter. He's sipping a beer and telling this real long-winded story and he says, "... And then he called me something I've never been called before..." And his daughter suddenly chimes in and says, "What, a grown-up?" It was so perfect and scathing.
iresurrectyou ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 03:23:14 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
"I'm broke because I left my money on your mum's dressing table"
OOOOOOH!
highasagiraffepussy ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 03:38:41 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)*
This was a rumor in high school about this chick in my grade's older brother was apparently breaking up with his girl at dinner in a restaurant and she was crying. It wasn't long until she got up and left but not before she said "oh yeah? Well if I could lose a few pounds then you could gain a few inches."
A fucking nuke, if true.
ViperGTX ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 03:40:48 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
My friend and I were on a roadtrip to a party.
Me - "I can't wait to get a few beers when we get there. We've been driving for too long."
Her - "I don't want to drink too much. I don't want to embarrass you."
Me - "You aren't my Girlfriend and you aren't a member of my family. So technically you're nothing to me. Do what you want"
Took me a couple seconds to realize how brutal that was.
Rihannas_nipples ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:27:24 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
That's how not to get laid buddy
hmscoachhardin ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 03:59:26 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I had a fellow football player in high school get voted off the team for not coming to the first 3 days of practice (because, fake cough "I'm sick..."). After getting voted off, he's pissed and having a tantrum daily. As we start the school day, I go to Econ class, and there's the douche canoe, in all his mock glory. He is seated in front of me. He decided to be humorous, yelling out, "Mrs. Teacher, I can't sit next to hmscoachhardin, he's on the football team." I reply without even thinking (much to my own surprise), "I can't sit next to douce canoe, he couldn't make the football team. Laughter ensures, as do mock threates that he never carries out.
tagurit3 ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 04:00:00 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Two "friends", one short and kinda dirty. The other a foster kid. Hangin' in the park, the foster kid points to a flick of flies and says to the Dirty kid: "look, there's your family". Dirty kid points in a random direction and says: "look, there's your's".
mediocre-man ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 04:02:56 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Friend number one: Shut up you are like a 25 year old virgin. Friend number 2: Oh yeah well in a few years I won't be a virgin. But you'll always have that tiny dick!
Rekt.
thejard ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 04:08:53 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Asshole guy I know picked on a girl who was pretty large and muscular by shouting out "You walk like a man!"
Girl immediately shoots back with an "unlike you?"
[deleted] ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 04:09:58 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Some idiot, to a guy I knew: "If we were in prison, you'd be my bitch!"
Guy I knew: "YOU'D BE MY BITCH IF WE WERE AT SUMMER CAMP!"
Jo-dan ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 04:12:37 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
A while back I was watching an episode of QI with my family. On the episode they were talking about a man having sex with a goat.
Dad: "I'm not sure this is appropriate for you u/Jo-dan"
Mum: "like you can talk. You're from New Zealand!"
Trevork60 ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 04:19:56 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I didn't have any expectations, and I'm still disappointed in you.
stevrock ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 04:21:20 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
"I fucked your mom!"
"I fucked your dad, he gives a mean blowjob"
horizontality ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 04:24:17 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
"I had sex with your mum last night"
"My mum's in a wheelchair"
"Yeah, she is now"
Springheeljac ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 06:25:11 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I would have went with "She said she liked it rough" or "She knew what she was getting into".
giantshadytree ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 04:26:40 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
"What's the only thing lonelier than the depths of space?" "You."
banjohusky95 ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 04:31:47 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
"TJ, every year I sneak an abortion pill into your Halloween candy in hopes it's not too late..."
I feel bad for that one.
just_browsing90 ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 04:33:00 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
You're the reason Pro-Choicers exist...
magnetflavoredwater ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 04:46:53 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
From Bill Hick's 1989 stand up, "Maybe you were conceived with a weak sperm. Maybe your dad was jacking off and your mother sat on it at the last second."
[deleted] ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 04:50:04 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
San Francisco. Day. Parking lot.
Guy is walking into the store and a car pulls back without looking. He jumps to the side, and shouts, 'cocksucker!'
Guy in the car quips back, 'and a damned good one, too!'
Guy who almost got hit just starts laughing.
Ironicbanana14 ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 04:52:29 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
In Spanish class, this kid wouldn't shut up for his final and the teacher was serious and ripped up his paper. The kid was like, "Dude, that's a waste of paper!"
My teacher was like, "You're a waste of space."
CJ_theBomb ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 04:52:41 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
That's why your mom is in a wheelchair
DrTardis89 ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 05:06:15 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I once told a kid his father was beating his mother because he was a horrible son.
He quit picking on me after that.
fixgeer ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:58:56 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Holy shit
davidyuan7536 ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 05:13:05 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Kid in my high school had some disease where his life expectancy was only till around 40...one day was bragging about how he finished all the homework for this whole week Some other kid chipped in and said..well ya? I finished all my homework for this whole month. Original kid said..I finished my homework for this whole year...and this kept escalating on when finally the second kid said..well at least I'll live past 40
jplevene ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 05:32:41 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Winston Churchill was the best:
At an event a woman said to him with disgust "Sir, you are drunk!"
He replied "I may be drunk mam, but in the morning I will be sober, you however, will always be ugly".
[deleted] ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 05:34:05 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
[deleted]
IRAKILLS ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 05:40:49 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
The jerkstore called!
TritiumAdvent ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 05:38:55 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
"You're just a genius aren't you?" said sarcasticly. "I love it when you call me words you can't spell."
aljobar ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 05:41:11 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Sitting in a taxi with a few workmates. One of the ladies had obviously had a pretty big night and it showed. "Geez, you look terrible this morning", says workmate #1. "I'll be fine in a few hours, what are you going to do for the rest of your life?", replies colleague #2.
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 10:43:23 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
You share a taxi with colleagues to work? Are you in the UK?
aljobar ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 11:06:51 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Not quite. It was a work trip and we were taking a taxi from the hotel back to where we were all working.
The_Portlandian ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 05:47:19 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
You're exactly as smart as you look.
[deleted] ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 05:53:37 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I was always a short kid in school, generally the shortest dude in my grade and got picked on some for it. So when I got my license when I was 16, let's just say I looked a little small to be driving.
One day, I pull up to a pickup football game and park in one of the spaces. As I'm getting out of my car this fat kid yells, "hey willworkfourkarma, can you even see over the steering wheel??" and gets a few laughs. Immediately I reply, "ha. at least I can see my own dick in the shower". Didn't hear anything else from him again.
Mathiasb4u ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 05:59:53 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Girl at the bar being a bitch to the bartender. He says "can I get you something, or are you just going to complain all night?"
Her: "How about the fucking drink I want!"
Him: "You're not pretty enough to be such a bitch, gtfo"
Beat9 ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 06:02:58 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I believe I heard this on reddit before but...
Weird goth kid in class is getting picked on by class bully and finally gets fed up and blurts out "I'll fucking rape your sister"
Bully is like "lol I don't have a sister"
Quiet kid is like "guess I'll have to rape your mother first"
kaos_ ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 06:04:26 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Holy hell literally god level savage. Where are these burns being contained?! I am using this.
bitcleargas ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 06:10:25 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
At a school mate's house during my bi phase waiting for him and his sister to finish an argument.
Him: You're a sket!
Her: So? I fucked your mate last time he was here!
Him: Wait seriously? So did I?!
Me: *silently trying to unlock the back door*
KimJongSkill492 ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 06:16:34 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Back in high school this emo girl was tryin to roast me for being Asian. Not even any good jokes. Then she said "Your eyes are so slitty" To which I quickly replied "Just like your wrists!" Everyone laughed at her and she started crying. A week later we all found out she actually did. I came back at her so hard she cut herself
cyburai ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 06:25:15 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
This was a good one from today
noogooyen ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 06:25:49 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
This is still the most vicious comeback I have ever seen
yassenof ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 14:56:48 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I don't understand his laugh
Karamak ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 06:26:05 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
"Ive forgotten more than you know" -Gordon Ramsey
mikeydonuts ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 06:28:12 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
A group of friends is sitting on the beach at the Jersey Shore one Saturday afternoon nursing hangovers.
A few more friends from the group walk up and put their chairs down in the sand and one guy asks my friend Timmy, "Hey Timmy, you know who was asking about you last night?"
Immediately we all swivel our heads around to find out who could be asking about Timmy. Probably a dozen of us.
"Nobody."
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 08:47:53 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
This is exactly why USA should declare war on orange faced idiots.
AttalusPius ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 06:41:28 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Here was a memorable conversation between two of my coworkers, a black woman and a white man:
Man was she pissed.
DJ_Upgrayedd ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 06:44:42 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
"I sleep in a racecar, do you?"
"No, I sleep in a big bed with my wife."
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 08:11:11 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
"I sleep in a racecar, do you?"
Holy shit, this guy is so friggen stupid, no matter what you say you'll be funny.
[deleted] ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 06:48:10 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Heckler: You look like you fucked a pig Jimmy Carr: I'm sorry, is your mum not satisfied? Sorry ma'am, haven't got any coins!
RoofShoppingCartGuy ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 06:53:01 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
One of my more religious friend's mom was going off about the legalization of gay marriage and how it was a sin and awful blah blah. Without missing a beat my friend says, "did you consult the Lord before you divorced dad?" The look on her face was fucking priceless.
mindscent ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 06:54:57 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
In 5th grade, a kid was calling my friend a "f----t". My friend didn't even look up from his homework and said, "That's a nice shirt. I had one just like it when my dad was laid-off."
He's a fairly successful clothing designer in N.Y., now.
Usagii_YO ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 07:01:54 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
So he was a "f----t" then?
I kid...
mindscent ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 07:24:23 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I don't know what a f-----t is. It's a word that 5th graders and gross adults use when they want to feel better by making someone else feel like shit.
so, no.
Werevark ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 07:20:46 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
This is one from a coworker.
I work at a pizza place. At one point, we had this one coworker who would sit on a chair and play with his phone at any time he wasn't given a direct job. One day, after work, he sends another of our coworkers a 'what you shouldn't do at your job' pic he pulled off of Facebook. She responded with: 'hey, I've got one of those too, check it'.
She sent him a picture of him sitting around on his phone.
She's good people.
upads ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 07:26:43 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Not my personal experience, but this guy, he fucked the school's bully's mom, met them both in the nake, and a few days later in an argument he ended everything with "but I fucked your mom..."
Original story here
MortalWombat1988 ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 08:01:56 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I went to the movie theater with a buddy once. I was in the military at the time (Germany), and soldiers get reduced entry prices to many venues here. I didn't have my troop ID on me, so I pulled out my dog tags and asked if those were sufficient.
The older (but not quiet old yet) lady at the register replied that no, those don't prove anything. Her husband still has those too.
To which i replied: "Yeah I don't think Wehrmacht counts anymore."
She was not amused.
[deleted] ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 08:46:12 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)*
I actually said this one to my own mother when I was 10 or 11. I had gotten a bad report card and my mom was raking me over the coals that night at dinner. She said "Why are you so lazy? You like science, you like astronomy, why don't you apply yourself?!" I fired back with "Yeah I guess I could do better, since I have my very own GAS GIANT at home to study up close!" My dad spit his coffee all over the wall.
nomadjacob ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 09:11:38 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I still feel bad about this one. At our small private high school, we had a teacher that still hadn't fulfilled the state requirements to teach. We weren't paying attention and she goes off on a rant about how she's there for our benefit and we need to pay attention to her that finally ends with her saying "Why do you think I teach here?"
Without thinking, I respond "Because you couldn't get a job anywhere else." She was not amused.
matthewarthurj ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 09:19:13 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
My buddy and I were arguing about who was the poorest as a kid, and after the usual bullshit like used clothes and and free lunch I hit him with "oh yea you never had to drink powdered milk" and his response was " yea I did, AT YOUR HOUSE!"...I won the argument but lost in a way...it was amazing
Jay_of_Blue ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 09:28:27 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
King Phillip of Macedonia once sent a letter to the Spartans saying "If I invade Laconia you will be destroyed, never to rise again"
The Spartans responded with one word.
"If"
BongoKing3 ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 09:38:00 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Me and my girlfriend were cooking something, I don't remember what.
Her: Ugh I keep making so many mistakes
Me: So did your parents
Boom
saltshaker42 ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 10:25:30 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
"Your first name's complete, last name trash." - My baby brother.
Fenr-i-r ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 11:18:07 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Want my comeback? Scrape it off your mum's teeth
Sanderz38 ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 13:21:01 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
We had a really cool teacher that came from an education company for a year, teaching us a certificate 3 in buisness studies whilst still in high school. He was a legitimate smart ass, very funny and quick witted but a little fat around the mid section as my 17yo freind pointed out to him in front of the class one day. "well Brian, I can explain that" he said with a massive smile on his face "everytime I fuck your mum, she gives me a cookie"
The whole class lost there shit.
[deleted] ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 13:21:28 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
The classic "your mom" was often met with "my moms dead" to which a friend was overheard "who do you think fucked her to death"
lessthan3beebs ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 13:36:22 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
The jerk store called... they're running out of you!
Galalithial ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 13:39:14 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
My brother and I are both martial artists. One day, after a morning out on a boat, he and his friend were talking about teaching they're girlfriends stuff that they were interested in. I was half listening but tuned in a little more when my bro started talking about teaching his gf the basics. Then he turned to me while I was retying a rope.
"You know the secret behind a good punch, right?"
"Don't be a girl?"
I didn't even look up. I caught myself completely by surprise and ended laughing harder than anyone else there.
TheLittleChink ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 14:16:04 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
"If you want my comeback, you'll have to scrape it off your mum's teeth."
SnorgesLuisBorges ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 15:22:06 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
One time my band was playing a show and someone yelled something vulgar about our bass player's mom to him, and he responded, "leave my mom out of this, and I'll leave this out of your mom", while pointing at his dick. I still remember it till this day.
ConwayThrifty ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 15:40:19 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Short but sweet.
Spaz: You can't talk to me like that I'll kick the shit out of you.
Gym Teacher: Son, you couldn't kick the shit out of your own underwear.
TheGladInGladiator ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 15:47:29 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
In elementary school, one kid said to another: "Man, Patrick, you're a real motherfucker." Without missing a beat Patrick said:
"Yeah, and your mother's next."
druggedupbysundown ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 16:37:14 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
My wife and i were getting a divorce. I was talking to my best friend about where i was gonna live. Told him i didnt wanna live in my basement and hear my ex- wife getting banged by her new man. He said " Dont worry , i'll keep it quiet."
A_confusedlover ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 17:32:38 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I don't think anything can be more savage than this
See-9 ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 21:11:25 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Girl in kindergarten and I were having an argument:
Girl: At least I don't have a thing in my pants.
Me: Well at least I don't have two holes in my butt!
She ran away crying. Fuckin rekt
JakoJustOneYesterday ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 02:45:15 on September 18, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I was on a public chat and this guy started telling people who were bothering him "I'm not in the fucking mood" and "I'm tired of this bullshit." Someone who had never spoken in the chat for hours said "You're tired of the bullshit but you're here 16 hours a day still taking it in the ass."
Goingdef ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 04:02:57 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I was nine or ten and walking with a couple of friends, as we walked past a low income apartment complex a little girl about our age missing her lower arm was playing inside the fenced area, for no reason she looks at my older friend and says what I can do anything you can do..... he stopped looked dead at her and started a slow loud clap.
thejonesinator ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 04:25:47 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Friends wife calls him to complain about their toddle who would scream his head off when she would use the vacuum.
Friend come home from work he proceeds to take over the vacuum duties. Son begins screaming again.
Wife: see this is what I've been dealing with all day.
Friend: well if he heard the vacuum more often than every 6 months he'd react differently.
Haven't seen him since...
queertrek ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 20:20:19 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
if you haven't seem him since he said that, how do you know he said that?
Raintitan ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 04:34:18 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Me, at 16 looking at a punker girl: "Look at you and those fucking dog tags that you think make you cool. A loser who thinks they look punk-cool making a statement about war, the military of whatever the fuck. Not impressed, loser. "
Her: "My dad died last week, and these were his dogtags from Vietnam where he served. "
[deleted] ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 05:23:14 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
[deleted]
Raintitan ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:53:02 on September 19, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
She cried. I felt terrible.
I ended up dating her for a while about six months later. Didn't work out, nice girl.
BatteryChucker ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 04:36:01 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Student fell asleep in class. Teacher pulled out a tennis ball and hammered the sleeping student in the face with a magnificent, accurate, full force throw from across the room. Kid's glasses went flying across the room.
Admittedly several decades ago and would never fly these days but damn... No one ever fell asleep in that teacher's class.
Toastinggoodness ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 05:00:26 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
"I have no more campaigns to run... (Republicans start clapping).... I know because I won both of them"- Obama
TripleSkeet ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 05:42:57 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Saw this on Twitter last week.
Patton Oswalt said something like: Hillary has pneumonia and still is out there campaigning? How badass is that?
Random twitter user: If you knew how to recognize a gravely ill woman you wouldnt be a widower right now
Fucking A bomb right there.
HKjason ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 05:57:33 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Yeah, that was so brutal it made my nuts ache.
Drums_Deadlifts ยท 8 points ยท Posted at 06:53:53 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Im Jewish, and when I was 6 or 7 years old a kid at my school said
"Hey what's the difference between a Jew and a pizza?"
I hadn't heard the joke so I said what
"A pizza doesn't scream when you put it in the oven"
I go "hm. I heard a similar joke. What's the difference between a Jew and a pizza?"
He goes "what?"
I go "a pizza won't punch you in the face "
And then I punched him and he had a black eye for a couple of days.
EdCorcorans16bucks ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 12:19:53 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
But did it happen
WAWDoing ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 06:58:46 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
That is fucking awesome!
[deleted] ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 07:50:11 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
HIGH FIVE!
UhRealBucknut ยท 8 points ยท Posted at 19:13:43 on September 16, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
"See you later!"
"Not if I see you first!"
christopia86 ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 21:42:21 on September 16, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
On the metro coming home one afternoon, some kids come on after a game of football or some such pursuit. They are arguing, one kid, they call him Ethan is being a dick. One kid has had enough. "Do you know why Ethan's dad smokes? Because he's Ethan's dad"
queertrek ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 20:21:32 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
this tape will self destruct in five seconds
Dust2chicken ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 02:00:41 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Back in when I was in 8th gtade, 2 black kids went up to my group of asian friends and started taunting us with "Why are your eyes so fucking small?"
I instantly shot back with, "why is your brain so fucking small?"
omnicious ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 03:57:50 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
This is the best I've ever had. I'm riding in the backseat with a friend driving and his girlfriend riding shotgun. We start talking about his driving skills and he says he's the best driver out of us three. I respond with, "I wonder who the worst driver here is. The Asian, the woman, or the bad driver." (I was the Asian.)
XiMerx ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 04:09:06 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Teacher: "Pick someone (to read what they wrote) that you dislike"
Student: "I choose him!"
Teacher: "Wow we have something in common"
PM_ME_UR_JON_SNOW ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 04:16:46 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
My good friend is extremely white, and has multiple names -- like "John Williams Scott III."
We are talking about the origin of his name at dinner and another friend remarks "you sound like you carved up Africa"
Rational44056 ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 04:25:45 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
There's an older guy where I work, and the group likes to have a bit of good natured fun with each other. One day people were joking about how old he was when:
"Damn Ron, you're old enough to be my father."
Ron: "Who's your mother, I might be."
uabuckeye ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 04:48:55 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Some black dude over xbox live told me that I probably smell like boiled hotdog water. That hurt, but was funny af.
strumdowner ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 06:28:37 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I remember someone years ago telling me that was what Christina Aguilera's vagina smelled like.
strictlyprofessional ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 05:41:48 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
One of my students told me the other day something his math teacher said to him. He'd made a joke comparing himself to Jesus because he was born on 12/25.
The teacher, off the cuff, said "you have two things in common with Jesus - his birthday and neither of you have a dad."
[deleted] ยท 12 points ยท Posted at 18:30:56 on September 16, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
[deleted]
MoribundTyke ยท 19 points ยท Posted at 20:18:29 on September 16, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Jimmy Carr
DreddMau5 ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 22:08:28 on September 16, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
People ruthlessly stealing his jokes
PickleEater5000 ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 22:45:52 on September 16, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
This isn't one I've heard but one I said myself. In high school I had some Pepsi I got at lunch. I went over to throw something away and this kid quickly took it and shook it up a bunch to get all the fizz out. I was pretty mad so I yelled,"fuck off Trever. If I wanted something flat I'd date you're girlfriend."(his girlfriend wasn't to big.) Madness proceeded to ensue.
IceSharkSJ ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 00:17:04 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Girl: You have the smallest dick, I did not feel anything. Guy: Even the titanic looks small when its going threw the Grand Canyon.
Burn!!!!!!
charmlessman1 ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 02:46:05 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I performed at a standup comedy show a couple weeks ago. I live fairly close to the Canadian border, so the bar I was performing in had a gaggle of 40something, Canadian women, wasted, on a bachelorette party. It was a nightmare. They were screechy, weren't paying any attention, and were right front and center. Ugh.
Anyway, after the show, I was talking to one of them outside, and doing that thing where you mess with the drunk person, and they have no clue, even though your friends are laughing. I said something about her being Canadian. This is the conversation that followed.
DrunkCanadian - gasp Howdju know I was Canadian?
Charmlessman1 - Your accent.
DrunkCanadian - What accent? I don' have a accent!
Charmlessman - Say "sorry".
DrunkCanadian - Sorey.
Charmlessman - See? Canadian.
DrunkCanadian - Well how do you Americans say sorey?
MyFriendBehindMe - WE DON'T!
I hi-fived my friend four times in a row.
kamuimaru ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 23:02:07 on September 16, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I know you are but what am i
rocksredgrassblue ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 02:27:25 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
In college, my ex's new boyfriend walks into a party...
Me: "you enjoying my sloppy seconds?"
Him: "it's great once I get past the used part"
When everybody was done laughing at me, I went home.
sl1mman ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 02:36:39 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Other guy: I'd shoot her with my heat seeking moisture missile.
Me: Too bad it's out of fuel from you sending decoys at it left and right (raise left and right hands in shaking motion)
twhayes ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 03:11:01 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
http://youtu.be/NRCWbFFRpnY
Pleaseenter ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 03:25:19 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
"your mom goes to college!"
buttcheeksontoast ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 03:31:01 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
"If I were your wife, I would put poison in your tea."
"If you were my wife, I would gladly drink that tea."
-Winston Churchill I think
glerk ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 03:31:53 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I was 17 and had long hair, a lady said "Wow, you really need a hair cut"
I said: "Wow, you really need a fat cut"
Er-c ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 03:33:53 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
"Yeah. But you voted for Trump..."
If this were 2017.
n0thin_unwanted ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 03:43:12 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
The only difference between your jokes and your dick is no one laughs at your jokes
sensitiveanarchist ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 03:44:00 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
"Your face is so black and your teeth are so yellow that when you smile you look like a Pittsburgh Steelers helmet."
Source: MTV's Yo Momma
mankiller27 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 03:44:27 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
"The Nazis would have executed you for being a drain on the state."
bathofknives ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 03:44:40 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
my mom threatened to burn a hole in my dads butt with her cigarette cause he was being annoying and asked my bro how he felt about it:
bro said: "why not he could use an extra asshole"
my mom cracked up
rabbit2287 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 03:45:28 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
There's a guy in my neighborhood that likes to wear kilts. I actually think it's pretty cool, and also takes a lot of guts. Anyway, I asked him one day after getting to know him for a bit (we would often see one another in a nearby park while both of us would be walking our dogs) if he'd ever caught any flak for wearing them. Not surprisingly, he said yes. I asked him how all that typically went down and he explained, "Usually it's a drunk guy, maybe with some friends, and he (they) will often ask: "Hey man, you got anything on under there?" And usually I say, "Yeah. My bagpipes. Wanna give 'em a blow?" I almost fell over laughing.
ausAnstand ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 03:58:58 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)*
It was at one of the big gay house parties in the city. As it happens, I bumped into a guy I'd been on a couple dates with. I'd thought we'd hit it off quite well, but then he ghosted on me. By the time we reconnected again, he was in a relationship ...something he only revealed after I sent him a couple risque photos. Forgivable, but not cool. :-/
Anyhow, I tried to be civil: I made some polite conversation and asked what he'd been up to. Then, after he brought up his NEW boyfriend (maybe he simply didn't want me to get the wrong idea, but it came off as kind of cold), he made a snarky attack on my drinking:
Then I got up and left the party.
whats_my_thing ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 04:05:26 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
"Well the jerk store called, they're running out of you!"
Grand_Imperator ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 04:13:54 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
What's the difference? You're their all-time best seller.
ausAnstand ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 04:07:25 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
From the late Edward Albee's "Who's Afraid of Virginia Wolf":
avidsensei ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 04:10:56 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I'm just waiting for you to find something that you are good at and move on.
Chubsmagna ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 04:13:10 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
"Aren't you due back at the lab to have your bolts tightened!?" - Stanley Ipkiss (Jim Carrey), The Mask
KabaliBilla ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 04:15:54 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Australian bowler McGrath to west Indies batsman Sarwan : So what does Brian Lara's dick taste like ? Sarwan:I don't know,ask your wife.
misterjustice90 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 04:23:24 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
When I was younger, my friend came over and knocked on the door. I opened it and said "I'm sorry sir, Arizona is a red state and we don't allow gay people in this establishment." I went to shut the door and he put his hand out, stopped it, and said "Well, youd better get out then!"
Edit: autocorrect
must_not_forget_pwd ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 04:29:39 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
McGrath: "Why are you so fat?"
Brandes: "Because every time I fuck your wife she gives me a biscuit".
droopus ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 04:31:38 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I have often affected the score of Little Leage games with a well timed yell of "You're adopted!"
stoprockandrollkids ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 04:45:35 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
"Everyone who's ever loved you was wrong"
tambor333 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 04:54:49 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
If I wanted your opinion, I would have given it to you, so shut the fuck up.
Howell2010 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 04:55:55 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
"How do you even masturbate knowing who's cock you're touching?" Still waiting to use this on someone.
[deleted] ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 04:57:17 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
If I wanted come back I'd wipe it off your mom's face
Nealpd13 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 04:57:33 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Someone makes fun of my mom. I immediately reply, " I don't have a mother, my father and I share yours."
TiltedKangolHat ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 04:59:36 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
"Your mom sucks my dad's dick!" - my half brother
Cinimode ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 05:03:55 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
My friend just used this on me "your face is below average in attractiveness"
ircirc ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 05:10:13 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
So I'm at a store picking up something and there's a couple nearby having a fight. The girl tells her guy, "You suck!"
The guy, without missing a beat, replies "But you swallow".
Barngletron ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 05:18:46 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I was talking with my dad because he wanted to get lottery tickets because the jackpot was so high.
Me: "There is no way we win anything. The odds are way too high, it's a waste of money."
Dad: "Well why do you keep going to these magic (the gathering) events you have no chance in winning? "
Thanks Dad.
djfraggle ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 05:19:01 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
"Yeah well...I had sex with your wife."
WonByDefault ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 05:31:58 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
"His wife is in a coma."
Atheizm ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 10:21:29 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
That explains why she didn't press charges.
Deerslayer1095 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 05:20:42 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Setting at the waffle house overheard a couple getting increasingly loud when all of a sudden the lady of the relationship stands up and says *that's not what you said when you were eating my pussy last night!" And storms out
Robotic_Pedant ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 05:21:47 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Heckler: "You're stalling." Jimmy Carr: "Calm down. If you want my comeback so bad you can scrape it off your mother's teeth."
[deleted] ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 05:21:48 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
"Nice wig Janice, whats it made of?"
"YOUR MOMS CHEST HAIR!"
acossu ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 05:31:02 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
The jerk store called they're running out of you
What's the difference, you're the all time best seller
Oh ya, well I had sex with your wife
kernelchagi ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 05:33:31 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
When i was a teenager, we had a physics teacher that was not really nice with us. My best friend had one of those big submarinism watchs. And the teacher ask him: -Nice watch, what can you measure with it? He answered - The time.
tjmtjm1 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 05:39:43 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
High school cafeteria, male friend and overweight female friend.
M: Hey F, you got a little bit of your lunch on your chin.
F: -wipes chin-
M: No you missed it, third one down.
3flaccid11hard ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 05:40:45 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Guy one: "You're such a pussy."
Guy two: "Well, you are what you eat. I guess that makes you a dick."
RaiderZero ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 05:47:17 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Kim Kardashian....
http://i.imgur.com/07tOqVk.gif
Jwillis-8 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 05:47:49 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Yeah? Well, ya know, that's just like, your opinion, man.
Eagle1388 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 05:52:19 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
go step on Lego!
Beelzabubba ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 05:59:30 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
At the end of a haircut that was accompanied by the most uncomfortable conversation I was asked what I thought of her work. I just shrugged and said "it'll grow back" and without missing a beat, she looked at my head and said "hmm, maybe". I wasn't self conscious about thinning hair until that moment.
I had to tip the hat I was stuck wearing for the next month or so to her.
Darkfox2k1 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 06:00:42 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
When I was younger I was wooed by a friend's girlfriend; she left him for me and he found out about it. He was understandably upset. There was a mild confrontation but we mended fences and were friends again within a few weeks. One day he was lamenting over his attraction to a female friend of his that he couldn't convince to leave her boyfriend.
I said, "Let me know if you need any tips."
kaos_ ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 06:03:05 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Dude that's like straight up dead mode. Be careful. Also sick burn.
roachmcpoach ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 06:01:11 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
High school. Buddy of mine had a goatee for three years always nice and trimmed. He got rid of it senior year because he was going on some job interviews. This girl who he had a little beef with saw him and started stroking his chin saying "aww you shaved" like she was talking to a little boy. Without missing a beat he strokes her chin and says "aww you too" everyone around us erupts in laughter. She never spoke to him again. He didn't care.
lukesterboi1 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 06:02:07 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Generic baseless insult slinging.
Girl I don't know: "I bet you have a small dick."
Guy I don't know: "That's cute. I know you have small boobs (points at breasts)."
Cherreh ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 06:10:50 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
A chick at a club was digging into my college room mate for being chatty with a couple of girls one night, saying he was just in doing it to get laid and stuff. He just said "look, I've played hockey all my life and I've probably seen half as many dicks as you have alright" and continued on talking to the girls. I thought it was pretty savage, and hilarious. Fuck that girl.
DJ_Betic ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 06:11:11 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
While going to college for stagecraft we worked in tandem with the acting program to put on a couple shows each semester. During one rehearsal, an actress known for her particularly large ego/bitchyness asked "What are we supposed to do? There's no water in the jug...". To which the director replied "Well you could, oh I don't know, try fucking acting....."
Comedian02 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 06:21:54 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I bloomed quite early, so I had a massive beard quite young. Everyone always gave me shit about it. On this paticular day I took a lot of shit, some flat chested chick said 'you need to shave your beard' and I said 'you need to grow some tits!' At the top of my lung, in front of her friends. I do regret it, though.
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 09:00:57 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I can tell from this post that your beard is t h i n.
Comedian02 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 09:09:12 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)*
Believe me, I wish it was. You have no idea what it's like to be the hairy guy in grade 7. Nicknames like 'hairy scary' along with my quite awkward personality made high school hard. But hey, if you want to believe that everything out of the ordinary (or that you personally still don't have, didn't experience) is a boast, then yeah, I have a really fucking t h i n beard.
BTW: Grow the fuck up.
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 14:54:28 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
This response was not particularly witty or savage. Neither is picking on a girl about the size of her breasts. Perhaps it is you who needs to grow up?
Comedian02 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:41:58 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Yeah, well, feeding off of the death of fat people isn't paticularly nice either, she at least deserved it. ( Tone of voice accounts for a lot ), I wasn't trying to be 'savage' or 'witty', once again you are on the childish side. Now go back to your degrading advice and try-hard, trite 'jokes', that have been repeated over and over by many better than you.
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:00:13 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Thanks for the advice. I'll file it under INTERNET.
Comedian02 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:55:15 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Um, good one. You clearly don't have a firm grip on what 'advice' means.
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:10:34 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
ZING! Man, you just won at the internet BIG TIME!
Comedian02 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:13:31 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
The word 'try-hard' comes up again. Anyway, have a... night/day.
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:17:11 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Holy shit! You're like an artesian well of absolute hilarity! You've literally told me like several times now! Your internet bravado is top notch!
Comedian02 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:58:45 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Hahahaha, what a bitch faced bitch you are.
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:06:42 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
GOD DAMN! You just really tore into me with that one! I'm not even sure I can even recover from being told so hard!
Comedian02 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:17:01 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Hahaha, I was hoping you'd say 'I'm a dude' so I could say 'that's what I assumed!' xD I am getting a bit of a 'tough-girl' vibe, to be honest. Nevertheless, you've been hurt quite a bit in the past, haven't you? Seriously, though, this has been both enraging and entertaining. Have a nice night/day whatever it is on your side of the earth.
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:35:20 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
STOP HURTING ME!
Comedian02 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:48:55 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Jesus, the last one was actually meant in a positive light. Like a friendly handshake.
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:57:00 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
You made me cry with interned words. Now you want to shake my hand? I'm so confused!
Comedian02 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:00:25 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Wait, you were being serious? I can't be that bad at reading sarcasm.
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:02:00 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I can't see the keys to respond through all of these tears...
Comedian02 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:07:37 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Hahaha, yeah, I'm definitely picking up sarcasm. On the off chance you're being serious, I apologize for making you cry, but you did start it, though. Seriously, besides your weird hatred of fat people, and your quite abrasive(seemingly) nature, you seem quite cool at the center, and that's the most important part.
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:08:28 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I love you.
Comedian02 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:11:07 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
What a weird turn of events! How old are you?
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:13:57 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Are we going steady now?
Comedian02 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:19:01 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
No, I'm just wondering. It seems like you're trying to come off young, but you have some knowledge on stock investments, so you gotta at least be in your twenties. I'm just making conversation. Pretty slow weekend. Spent the whole day insulting each other, might as well.
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:21:21 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I never insulted you. I was just attempting to get you to PM me your panties ;)
Comedian02 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 21:03:29 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
You have horrible technique, both in the fact that I never felt slightly enticed to PM you shit, and in that I am a dude and I don't own panties.
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 21:18:16 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
You're not going to sneak the last word in that easily.
Comedian02 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 04:00:26 on September 18, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
It doesn't bother me whether I do or not.
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 04:20:28 on September 18, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Nice try. I'm a bot. Beep, bloop, buzz. Your panty beard has no power here.
Zaeter1 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 06:31:08 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
In high school there was a girl who came across super bitchy until you got to know her. She was kinda goth/emo-punk and it wasn't something most people had encountered in our sheltered school lol. I became good friends with her throughout high school, but I'll never forget the first time I saw her.
I was leaving the athletics building and opened the door as she was about to enter and just stopped and stared at her, awkwardly puzzled.
Her: "What, you've never seen a girl before?"
Me trying to make a comeback: "I just.... Didn't know raccoons could talk"
Her: "I'm surprised anything would talk to you"
We laugh about it now, but I'm still salty she got me that good. Not the best savagery, but it rocked my confidence longer than I care to admit
DeadlyRedSpirit ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 06:47:46 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
That's fucking hilarious
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 08:42:23 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
This one, I actually believe happened.
todtier27 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 06:32:25 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Saw on Reddit: "If you were a vegetable, you'd be a cute-cumber" "Well, if you were a vegetable, I'd pull the plug."
tofu_asn ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 06:32:50 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Read one from a post on 4chan.
Non-American country poster: "America, you guys compensating for something?"
American poster: "Yeah. Weak allies."
furious_20 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 06:34:18 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
An episode of Married with Children.
Al walking in the door coming home from work. Peggy sitting on the couch.
Peggy: "Did you miss me?" Al: "With every bullet so far."
stEVOx101 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 06:39:12 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
If I wanted my own comeback, I would wipe it from your mums chin.
shanerz ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 06:39:49 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
When Macho Man Randy Savage released a rap album and called hulk hogan a punk.
SaltCityHooligan ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 06:40:48 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
If you want some comeback, you're gonna have to scrape it off of your mom's teeth.
IA_Royalty ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 06:41:37 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
We were in class and I said "Well that seems unnecessary"
Without prompt, or reason, by friend turns to me and yells "YOUR BIRTH WAS UNNECESSARY!"
bradorsomething ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 06:44:01 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I got accused of sleeping on the job by some dumbass once, and he kept hounding me when I informed him I was just looking down and checking my email. This goes on all day, and at one point he asked what my wife did for a living. Smelling a trap, I said, "she's a prostitute." He shouted, proud, "does she fall asleep on the job too!" Without missing a beat, I said; "eh... with you, maybe."
PuppetMaster189 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 06:44:06 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Mostly only savage because it was from a 4 year old who normally doesn't talk very much.
My girlfriend and I were preparing for a night out, so we were putting her kids to bed for the babysitter(it was about 8:30pm) and I was turning her 4 year old son's tv on for him.
Me: What do you wanna watch, buddy?
Him: Umm...Caillou!
Me: Ugh, I hate Caillou.
Him, without missing a beat: So don't watch it, then!
Takbeir ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 06:44:39 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)*
On public transport in London my friend and I struck up a conversation with a man on his way to see a local West Ham football match. Noticing our accents, he asks if we're scousers (a nickname for people from Liverpool, England) and which football team we supported. My friend says;
An eavesdropping bystander with his 8 year old son (both wearing West Ham replica shirts), took offence to my friend swearing in front of his child and in a smirky cockney twang said;
Without missing a beat, my friend says;
The man aghast, chin dropped, mouth wide open when his son says;
The train stops, the doors open, and we alight with me thinking I may never hear a better put down again.
Jesus_Harry_Christ ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 06:45:18 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
My brother and his ex split up...
Ex: where am I supposed to go?
Brother: to hell for all I care.
I died laughing.
giveyokoachance ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 06:46:06 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
A friend of mine in high school had some beef with a girl. This girl had a history of breaking her nose, so it was pretty crooked. So one day they got into it and she called my friend ugly ass bitch or something, and her response was, "Bitch, your nose is at a fucking 90 degree angle to the rest of your face. You could be looking at the North Pole and your nose will be watching the fucking sunrise. Who are you calling ugly?"
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 08:08:49 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Meh. I've had better come-backs from your mom. Get it! YOUR MOM!!11!
BazzBerry ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 06:46:13 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)*
Something I once said to my sister. I left a bag of chips on the counter, opened. I was 14 and dumb.
Her: "You never shut things" Me: "Neither do you." Her: "What don't I shut?" Me: "Your mouth"
Nicekicksbro ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 06:46:17 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
It's gotta be this reddit gem.
mindscent ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 07:02:54 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
That is some old redditing right there.
sureredit ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 06:50:03 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Friend was arguing with his girlfriend:
With your skinny needle I barely feel anything. Well maybe if you didn't have a dumpster cunt you would feel more.
LennyTheMemeMaster ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 06:51:25 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
This happened in one of my brother's high school classes. There was a guy talking to some Chinese kid and some Indian kid asked him if his family owns a Chinese restaurant. He said "Does your family work for Dell tech support?"
SirButcher ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 06:51:43 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
"You want to masturbate with my body again?"
chemicalclockwork ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 06:59:03 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
This was not a comment I made nor was even present for, but a friend of mine works for a parks and recreation department and he was amidst practice because he is coaching a middle school flag football team. This past week, one kid struggled to read the plays his coach had created, so the coach tried to make a joke at him and the interaction went: Coach: Do you even know the alphabet? Kid: "Ya, A, B, C, E, F, G, H." Coach(interrupting): "You already messed up; you missed a letter." Kid: "The D is out for Harambe."
SpinningDespina ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 07:00:06 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Jimmy Fallon - Can you read!? Finn Wolfhard(young kid from Stranger Things - Can you Host!?
Jimmy played it of but I reckon he got good and burned.
LanieLove9 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 07:11:32 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Damn it! I was just about to post this one!
And Jimmy got roasted, you could tell by the smile on his face. It was the "someone insulted me but I'm going to pretend like it didn't ruin me" smile.
Illogicalphallus357 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 07:02:13 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
There was this soldier in my unit who was always in trouble for dumb shit, and he got a dui one night while he was on an ambien fueled cigarette run. The next morning in formation the 1sg asked him "were you born with a fucking coat hanger sticking out of your ear?"
CFAinPEI ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 07:02:51 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Overheard a customer talking to someone at work today.
"If bullshit could fly, this place would be a fucking airport."
[deleted] ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 07:03:26 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I am dating this girl in High School and her family has taken me to dinner. At dinner her and her little brother fight nearly the whole time. At one point, after taking a bite of food, my girlfriend asks: 'Do I have anything on my face?' to which her brother replies (without missing a beat at all), 'Yeah, horrible acne.'.
polarlink ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 07:12:09 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
A mate of mine was a bus conductor in the UK. He was standing on the platform at the back of the bus when a woman approached and asked him how long the next bus was. Like a smartarse he answered,"30feet." She straight away replied,"will it have a shithouse at the back like this one?"
TheStormlands ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 07:13:36 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I can only use this once per person, but if anyone ever says, "Fuck you."
I reply, "Fuck yourself, you will get more pussy."
DistributorOfPain ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 07:15:09 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
"If I wanted some come back, I'd wipe it off your face."
sylfire ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 07:15:49 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
My friends and I (gay dude here) were sitting in the living room, when one of my friends says "y'know, sylfire, if I were gay, I'd date you."
I looked at him, did a once over up-and-down with my eyes, and said, "nah."
The rest of them will never let him live that down.
KnightNZ ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 07:17:38 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Guy parks in a disabled park. Me: You got a disabled permit? Guy flicks me the bird: Yeah, here's my permit. Me: Sorry, being a lazy c*nt doesn't qualify as a disability.
Patagoniamonk ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 07:25:48 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
This whole thread is a /r/thathappened goldmine
Exalyte ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 07:25:58 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Many years ago a group of us were stood in the smoking shelter at my work, one guy who we shall call Jim makes a joke about someone's mum, it was in the flow of the conversation I forget the lead up.
So Jim makes this joke directed at Derek, dereks mum had happened to have passed away a few months prior but Jim didn't know this, Derek responds with she died recently, Jim without skipping a beat says "sorry man I thought I just fucked her to sleep, didn't mean to kill her"
Everything went silent while we waited on dereks response, he crumbled into laughter and all was ok but fuck me that was a close one.
ipunchewoks ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 07:32:04 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
When the Stranger Things kids were on Jimmy Fallon, Finn Wolfhard went to pick up a card to read and Jimmy said "can you read?" and Finn said back "can you host?".
That was one of the best comebacks I've ever heard.
hammondpineapple ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 07:33:21 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Pretty savage for kids.
Kid 1: "Do you know what I like about you?"
Kid 2: "What?"
Kid 1: "Absolutely nothing."
Yougotafriend ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 07:34:29 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
One day while talking with some clients, a fellow staff was being roasted by the clients. Normally he is fine and can take it without incident, but today "John Smith" was on a good one.
Client: "you gotta a head shaped like an otter, god damn otter pop looking ass"
John Smith: "If I wanted a cum back, I would've wiped it off your moms chin."
I was floored.
WhatHeSaidVO ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 07:35:34 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Fuckin' just read it today, after Trump mocked Harry Reid's blindness in one eye with a typical unnecessary jab.
Harry Reid's comeback is so fucking savage: "I may not be able to see out of my right eye, but with my good eye, I can see that Trump is a man who inherited his money and spent his entire life pretending like he earned it.โ
ffffffffuuccckkingg REKTTT Oh muh GAWD
Smack1984 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 07:35:40 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
When I was in high school me and a few classmates had to make a cardboard sign, we needed to cut out a bunch of letters and one of my friends was goofing off and flirting with this girl he liked instead of helping: Him: I'm going going to cut this with my mind! Me: Your mind isn't sharp enough to cut tissue paper, get back to work.
PM-ME-YOUR-TITS ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 07:39:18 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
"Bite me!" "Sorry I dont eat shit"
AngelofCreation ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 07:49:45 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
This will get buried but one of the guys at college said, "I'm like Harambe in bed cause my dicks out!" Without missing a beat I replied, "No, you're like Harambe in bed because you get shot down"
blayday ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 07:52:33 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I was at walking having a conversation with 2 other colleagues and we got onto the discussion of relationships. I say "Don't worry about relationships, just stay single and live life like I want to" One colleague replies "Is that your choice though?" I had nothing to say back and just stood there, he and the other colleague just laughed.
Hoax13 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 07:53:39 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
There was.a guy I knew but didn't like much. He was a friend of a friend. Ran into him while getting gas and he comes up and says "Hey, my wife's having a baby!" So I said "Is it yours?"
cockOfGibraltar ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 08:11:10 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
A guy I work with was bragging about having sex with his girlfriend in subway after she closed the store. Another coworker says "that's the first time someone got less than 6 inches at subway"
swutch ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 08:12:46 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Well the jerk store called and they're running out of you!
kmj1147 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 08:14:09 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Guy on a construction site said he once tried to kill himself by tying a belt around his neck and then to a tree. He said that when they found him and took him to the hospital, they ran all types of tests on him and found out he was actually a genius.
Some guy pipes up and said "Genius? You weren't even smart enough to kill yourself."
Tunago_ ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 08:23:21 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
In line at the grocery store there was a Latino guy who could only speak Spanish and the cashier was being a total douche about it. Yeah there was a long line but still. After the Latino guy left the next guy, a native American,steps up and the cashier, starting a convo said "damn people should learn our language before they come to America". The customer then started speaking in a foreign language (we where in Navajo country so assume it's this) and the cashier quickly interrupts, "oh great, not again". The Native American, with a big grin on his face, proudly responds "I'm sorry, I thought you spoke the native language of America".
Tldr; pilgrim got rekt by a Native
Therealblueyzarsof ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 08:55:28 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
At a fairly rough pub in a bad area 2 guys try to intimidate me when i went to the bar.
Average size guy pulls up on my left and large guy (over 6'3) wearing a bikie vest on my right both leaning into my personal space.
Smaller guy : Gary doesnt like blow ins around here and hes a mean prick who'll bite the head off a kitten.
Me: old mate here says you like eating pussy
Both guys crack up and give me a nod and a raise of the glass whenever we cross paths all night.
It was the coolest i have ever been.
x_DP_x ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 09:09:31 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
One of my best mates just happens to also be my sister's husband. I can't remember what happen but I slammed him with a joke, he was just sitting there, you could see the wheels turning in his head and trying to come back at me with something better. Enough time passed and I said, "what, no comeback"? To which he replied, "you want my comeback? Get it from your sister".
Sassanian ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 09:09:37 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Do you like apples?
dustind2012 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 09:14:00 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
If I wanted my comeback I'd get it off your mother's chin.
T-Baggins415 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 09:19:04 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
You're fat! You're black! Lol's were had by all present.
CitizenWolfie ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 09:35:58 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
It was on a TV show, but it was so savage I almost felt the burn myself. Not sure exactly which episode, but maybe season 2 or 3 of Peep Show. Mark has called out his love rival Jeff to clear the air and talk about who gets to go after Sophie.
Mark passive-aggressively implies that Jeff might feel threatened by him.
Jeff's response:
"There's no threat from you, pal. You could have your cock in her, you still wouldn't have the balls to fuck."
dstoner79 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 09:42:52 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Im trying to remember all of these comebacks in case i use them in a similar situation
petgoats ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 09:51:38 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
My (overweight) brother called my mom a bitch in front of all his friends at a fair
My Mom retorted by saying "Whatever, Stay Puft Marshmallow man"
He no longer likes his friends.
[deleted] ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 10:01:00 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
You're a douchebag! "That's right, cause after I fucked your mother she smelt better." -Steve Hofstetter
Mathari ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 10:17:00 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
My friend and I always trade insults and make fun of each other. I was laying into him pretty hard once a d he wasn't saying anything. So I was like "What's the matter don't have a come back?" and without missing a beat he say "If I wanted my cum back I'd get it off your mom's tits"
Douche_in_disguise ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 11:07:53 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I wore my new Nikes to work which are a vibrant blue color. One of the guys asked if they came in men's sizes too. Without missing a beat, I replied "Why? Is your wife looking for a pair?"
yoda_is_here ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 11:08:22 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
If I wanted my own comeback I would have wiped it off your mother's face
heatbreak839 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 11:14:51 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
The jerk store called, they're running out of you.
MRainwater ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 11:25:07 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Hanging out with a group of friends and one of them, Lenny, was bragging about his new girlfriend and talking about the growing sexual activity. He was going on and on and at one point made the comment,"she calls my dick Nemo". Instantly, I asked "why, because she can't find it?"
laorik ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 11:41:57 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Back in Halo 2 Lan party days our diabetic friend got slammed with this:
DiabeticFriend: Hey [OtherFriend]! I got a 20 KD ratio. Does that make me better than you?
OtherFriend: Hey [DisbeticFriend]! I just drank this 20 oz. coke and didn't die. Does that make me better than you?
lizardman48 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 11:42:45 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
hateful aunt: aren;t you still gay? gay cousin: isnt your husband still fucking everyone else?
Searingwings ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 11:47:59 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Not a savage comeback per say but if someone ever gets a good one off on me I just act like I don't understand it. My friends know full well I understand it but by acting confused it destroys the moment. Paging /u/cakelessknight to confirm this
WRedLeaderW ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 11:51:37 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
It was more of a savage recovery.
I made a passing sexual "your mom" joke only to be informed that she truly was dead. Did I apologize? No. My comeback: "Explains why she didn't move much last night."
He went from shock to laughing tears and gave me props for not backing down.
[deleted] ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 12:03:50 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I was getting roasted by a friend and had to change the subject quickly.
"So your sister is dating a Muslim guy, right?"
"Yes"
"But isn't it harem for him to fuck a pig?"
Followed by laughter and then complete silence.
CreatrixAnima ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 12:09:44 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
My dad and grandma got into a fight one night and grandma called dad a son of a bitch.
Dad didn't miss a beat: "Can't argue with you there, ma. I sure am."
[deleted] ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 12:18:09 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
If you want my comeback you can just scrape it off your teeth.
Koul-aid97 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 12:39:18 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Goddamn that's brutal
nokodragon ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 13:11:04 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Friend was roasting me and I had nothing to come back with so I said... Me: fuck you Friend: fuck you Me: if I wanted my own comeback I would've wiped it off your mums face.
Got that line from reddit and used it irl
warpenguin55 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 13:58:59 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I saw this in the chat log of a league of legends game where somebody called another guy retarded:
PersonA "hey dont saying that, my brother has autism" PersonB "looks like it runs in the family" PersonA "no one runs in your family fatass"
TrashyCure ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 14:05:47 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
This was heard as a comeback to "go kill yourself".
"If I wanted to kill myself i'd jump from your ego to your IQ".
Whole room was silent for about 5 seconds before a roar of laughter and the "ooooh's" started.
[deleted] ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 14:16:08 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
This burn of Patton Oswalt on Twitter from r/imgoingtohellforthis
This Guy Just Went Full Savage on Patton Oswalt http://i.imgur.com/SqGD3uf.jpg?1
ORPeregrine ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 14:29:06 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
A woman (absolutely stacked) that worked for me walked into my office and asked if I would pay her to go take a nap. This being that kind of job, and me being me, I said "You can just go right ahead and fuck yourself" she responds with "And would you pay me for that?"
thetrueBAUSE ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 14:29:35 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I think this is my favorite ask reddit that I've ever read
[deleted] ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 14:36:33 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
A teacher at university was tying into the whole class for people being late...went on for 10 minutes about how disrespectful it is and not to bother coming to class if you are late. She then goes back to teaching.
2 minutes later another guy shows up late and sits down in the front row...teacher starts going off again yelling at everyone and then at the guy.
She finally asks what was so important that he couldn't be on time. He just stares at her with no expression whatsoever...."I was taking a crap". Whole class lost it and the teacher just turned beet red and went back to teaching without saying a word.
Elpolloblanco ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 14:37:47 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
There was this guy where I used to work who's mom had died of cancer a few years ago. Anytime someone would be talking and bullshitting he'd throw a "your mom...." he'd also just say your momma jokes all the time. One day he piped up with a your mom line while in conversation in the outside break area, I looked at him dead in the eyes and said "at least mine is still alive." And continued to talk. The reaction of those around us a mixture of shock, disbelief, and uncontrollable laughter.
BlooZebra ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 14:44:53 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Dude I would've gotten fired just from laughing.
ericsinsideout ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 14:49:45 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
One time when I was maybe 5 or 6 years old and my sister was 3 or 4, we were bickering over something and I let out a traditional "oh yeah, well I'm the oldest so..." hoping to end it and walk away the victor..
According to my dad, this is not the case. My sister, without missing a beat, looks at me and says "yeah, but if we sold you to the butcher, I'D be the oldest!"
MarcusKilgannon ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 14:58:40 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Grade 12:
In science class when we were suppose to break off into pairs to work on some kind of project. I happened to have my best friend Brent at the time in the class so I basically said let's go to him (to start work).
The teacher calls me out and says "Do you need Brent to hold your hand for you?"
Which I reply "Still more action than you'll ever have in your life" to the 50-year old single woman.
jaxsonthotnton ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 15:01:50 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
My little sister was wearing short booty type shorts and my very conservative, sweet old lady grandma asked her about them.
"It's just the fashion nowadays, grandma."
"I guess it pays to advertise."
jaw on the fucking floor
avagadro22 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 15:08:49 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I was out for drinks with coworkers when Coworker A decides to show off his Siri.
Coworker A: Siri, tell my friends to fuck off
Coworker B, computer voice: Friends not found.
BibleBeltAthiest ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 15:15:29 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I play cards with and elderly gentleman by the name of Jack. Well i guess gentleman is the wrong word because this guy constantly talks shit. He is probably 90 and talks about how many hookers he fucks, all the while berating the dealers and other players for his bad luck. One night the is a new kid at the table who gets particularly lucky against Jack for a $500 pot and Jack mutters under his breath every cuss word in the book. Fast forward a half hour and the table is discussing who most players look like. The new kid chimes in and tells Jack he looks a little like James Dean, despite his bad mood Jack is quite happy with himself and even cracks a rare smile. Jack then asks the kid if he really thinks he looks like James Dean. The kid replies "yeah i really do, if we dug up James Dean right now im sure you wouldn't be able to tell them apart." The whole table burst into laughter, Jack however was not amused .
[deleted] ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 15:17:31 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)*
A few years ago, when I had first been promoted to supervisor at a large coffee chain, I was working a graveyard shift at a 24-hour drive-thru store, where after 10pm the lobby closes and we became DT-only.
At about 11:30pm, some woman rolls through in her giant SUV and asks for refills on a couple of beverages, but a) we don't do refills through the drive-thru in the first place (this is an extension of the official "free refills within one hour at the same store within the same visit" rule -- if you're going through the drive-thru it's obviously not the same visit and probably not even the same store) and b) you're not supposed to be able to get refills of this particular beverage anyway. I'm working on my supervisor-specific tasks and not really interacting with customers at this point, so the three male baristas are the ones doing all the customer interactions. The one in the window first tells the woman that we can't do refills through the drive-thru, but instead of taking that as "no we can't refill your drinks here," she pulls around and tries to come inside. The doors are locked and I didn't hear the first conversation, so when I see the woman rattling the locked door I have no context for her grumpyface and give her the "go around the building" motion with my hand.
She comes back around and starts yelling at the barista in the window when she gets up there, so I walk over to intervene.
"Hello there! What seems to be the problem?"
"I want a refill of grande passion tea lemonade and a refill of venti passion tea lemonade"
"Oh, well, I'm sorry, but we don't do refills through our drive-thru."
"Yes, that one told me that, and I stood outside your store and you didn't let me in. I'm really embarrassed and I want my drinks now."
"Well, hey, I'm really sorry about that. We actually don't do refills of that particular drink anyway, and we don't do refills through DT because we can't confirm you bought the drink here."
"Well I didn't buy it here, I bought it up in Burlington where they do it for me all the time."
"I'm sorry to hear that another store is not properly enforcing the policy, but I only have the ability to make sure rules are followed at my store."
At this point I feel kind of bad for the woman, so I am about to comp her drinks anyway for all the hassle. But as I start to open my mouth to say so, she screams "You are a HUGE CUNT!!!" at me and floors the gas. Without thinking, I stick my head out the window and yell after the SUV "AT LEAST I HAVE WARMTH AND DEPTH!"
Drowned_Samurai ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 15:21:19 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
"When you suck your boyfriends dick do you taste his wife?"
-one coworker retort to another.
worstpasswordeverr ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 15:39:31 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
its a joke not a dick don't take it so hard
[deleted] ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 16:35:18 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I was queuing behind two snotty young girls in the off licence once and my mobile went off. The ringtone was something nerdy from mass effect, I can't remember what. One of them snorts and goes "Nice ringtone". I said well, I can change my ringtone. You're stuck with that face. Was telling everybody who would listen about that for days.
OneSafari ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 16:42:07 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
On /r/pokemongo
http://imgur.com/qydAdxm
SanFransicko ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 17:17:17 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
In high school I was over at a friend's house and his little brother was doing something in the backyard. He couldn't have been more than 5 years old. I called out to him "Hey Mikey, whatcha got there?" and the little bastard yelled back, "Bend over and I'll show you." I was absolutely stunned. Little five year old grown-ass man.
badfuit ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 17:23:38 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
'I know you are but what am I?'
himurasg ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 17:33:22 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Was riding the tube in hong kong and this couple began arguing loudly in cantonese in the crowded train cabin i was in. Quarrel escalated and ended like so:
Guy: Fuck you and your smell cunt!
Lady: If it's that smelly why do you like to lick it so much.
Cabin erupted in laughter and there was a lengthy applause. Guy got off at the next station.
JaredFrumSubway ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 18:02:58 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
This probably won't get seen but whatever. Girl in my Grade 11 class was getting bullied for drunkenly eating live goldfish at a fair, she was a pretty good sport about it at first because that was a stupid thing to do. But one day in my first period History, she came in late and; Boy: "Something smells fishy in here?" Girl: "Yeah maybe because you're a gigantic fucking pussy"
Everybody died.
Muzea ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 18:34:13 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Friend was dating a girl 2 years younger than him. 20 and 18. His mom and him got in a screaming fight and she said to him. Why don't I tell all your friends you're dating a 12 year old? He scoffed and replied "I'll just tell all your friends you're dating a senior citizen". His moms like 50 and the husbands 65 or so.
kdfsjljklgjfg ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 16:55:07 on September 18, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
So my dad's girlfriend is universally hated by all of his family and friends. She's scum of the Earth.
My dad is at my grandparent's house one day having some beers with them. We had just lost a dog, and my dad says to them: "I think I want to get another dog."
My grandpa immediately replies, totally deadpan, "Why? You already have a bitch."
Kinalu ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 07:00:12 on September 20, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
My SO and I like giving each other crap on occasion, and this is a good one I did while we were out with friends:
Me: So you're gonna buy me all the things, right?
SO: Sure, let me just go sell myself on the street corner for a bit.
Me: Well shit, I guess I'm not getting much then.
Our friends absolutely lost it.
longsightdon ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 21:30:15 on September 16, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
One dude went to my female friend 'suck my dick'.
Then she replied 'my mother told me not to put small things in my mouth'.
schylarker ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 00:15:16 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
https://www.reddit.com/r/pcmasterrace/comments/5348ss/linus_gets_roasted_by_corsair/
polymerkid ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 01:19:46 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
12 grade English class. I was talking during class because our female professor was observably bias in favor of the girls in the class, so I stopped being quiet and respectful. Myself and 2 other males students talked a bit quietly during her lecture. She held us after class and began to lay into us; "When you're in my classroom, you BEST respect me..." I immediately interrupted her and said, "Wait. You call yourself an English teacher and just said, 'You best respect me?!?' ". She stopped and looked at me as emotions swept across her face. She was speechless. I said, "I have to go. I am going to miss my bus" and left. The next day the other two students said they had to stay behind and console her as she was crying, telling her what an asshole I was. I have no regrets. Fuck you, you sexist, Ms. Fox.
boostman ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 05:58:43 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Well, the joke's on you because you didn't learn English.
Springheeljac ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 06:05:10 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Given his teacher you shouldn't be surprised.
polymerkid ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 06:03:58 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Of the tense mismatch. Yes well, I combed your history of comments and was not impressed.
polymerkid ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 06:03:00 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Go on and justify your statement. I am sure that backing of the foreign children you speak to... rather, teach English to will back you.
boostman ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 06:25:20 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
'observably biased'.
A_True_Knight ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 02:37:32 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
If you want my comeback, you have to scrape it off your mums teeth.
AlphaMaelstrom ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 03:42:57 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Setting: Early 2k's
Girl sees guy friends at adjacent parking space at drive-in diner franchise (sonic, for those familiar with it). She gets out of car and comes to chat merrily for a while with the driver (who is her cousin for a while) ignoring passenger, until driver gets a phone call at which point she just leans back looking annoyed and bored for a minute while driver talks on phone.
roh8880 ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 04:39:29 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
My brother and my Army recruiter were all hanging out at a bar before I shipped out to basic training when a girl came over and told my brother, "Hey, so I've been watching you all night!"
He replied "Oh yeah? Well go back over there and keep watching!"
ThePewPew1337 ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 04:39:35 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Background: A co-worker of mine was being a twat. His mother died during his childhood.
Co-worker: mindlessly being a twat Me: "You are so fucking annoying, it's like you never had a mother to beat you when you misbehaved." Co-worker: turns beet red with anger Me: clocks out and goes the fuck home
Pr0glodyte ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 05:25:36 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
The first day of my senior year in High School my AP Biology teacher handed out a test to see where everyone was at. I had the highest grade in the class with a 98, the next highest was a 92. I proceeded to be a giant slacker, slept through class every day and graduated with a 45 in the class.
Meanwhile this other kid, Chris, tried really hard but he just couldn't get it. He would come into school early and set up labs for extra credit, and he would stay after class and ask questions about things he was having trouble with. But despite all that he just barely passed at the end of the year.
The last day of school as we were packing up to leave and the teacher was saying goodbye to everyone he gave me this really sad look and said, "You've got so much potential." Chris was right next to me and asked, "What about me?" "I hope your parents don't waste their money sending you to college."
I felt so bad for that guy.
piepackage ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 05:26:23 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
"Why are you so fat?" "Because every time I fuck your wife she gives me a biscuit"."
podsedneck ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 05:34:08 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Is that a world tour or your girl's tour?
dasoccer6 ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 05:39:53 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
My wife at the time: "You are an asshole, I should of never married you and I hope you fucking die!"
Long pause with a grin on my face*
Ex-wife: "What's so fucking funny?!"
Me: "I see now why your ex killed himself."
major84 ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 02:41:24 on September 18, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
really ?
SHOULD HAVE .... should've
MiracleMadMax ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 14:37:37 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
If I wanted a comeback I'd scrape the roof of your mouth.
migs9000 ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 20:06:52 on September 16, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
"Ok you didn't hear me the first time, so clearly your attention span is as long as your dick"
-me to a drunk teen harassing my friends
JMUDuuuuuuukes ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 00:20:08 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Technically I didn't hear it because I said it but I'm proud of it so I'm going to share. I was with a group of friends and one had mentioned that he was stood up by a girl who I had previously hooked up with.
Friend: "I was supposed to hang out with Alex last night but she totally blew me off."
Me: "yea she blew me off from time to time too"
Thatretroaussie ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:18:45 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
2/10 at best. It's nothing to be proud of.
Acaibowl365 ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 18:01:03 on September 16, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
"I'm the greatest person you'll ever have the chance to meet" "Please fucking kill me now"
Ms_Lonely_Hearts ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 20:02:15 on September 16, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I would call you a cunt but you lack the warmth and depth.
wseibert ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 20:38:33 on September 16, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I'd call you a cunt, but you lack both the necessary depth and warmth.
[deleted] ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 22:51:17 on September 16, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Well, this kid at my secondary school, at we were in year 7. school was blind, but he had really good hearing. So these kids would sneak up one him and jumpscare him. So one of them says 'Didn't realise he was retarded too". So he walks up to the kid, taps him on the shoulder. Kid turns around, he takes his sunglasses off. So then the kid say "Your mom has a fetish for blind people. You wouldn't guess she could tell, considering I had her blindfolded and bent over the desk you did your homework on last night. I know you struggled with Question X." The kid's eyes widen in shock. It was the exact question he struggled with. As it turned out, he had followed that kid home two days ago, then asked his mom to use his phone yesterday. He'd found the guys homework while he was at the park. But for two weeks we didn't have an explanation for how he knew, so this kid got fucking humiliated for two weeks straight. It was gold.
[deleted] ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 00:42:50 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
How did the blind kid read the homework?
tylerjo1 ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 02:57:40 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Most of the time Legaly blind people can still see a little.
LMAOisbeast ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 01:16:37 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I want this to be real but I seem to smell some bullshit
[deleted] ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 10:57:56 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
He had a little vision. He was about 70% blind. Probably should've clarified. He could read if he concentrated hard, which is why he wasn't at a school for blind people, but he couldn't do it for a long time, and he couldn't do sports on account of fast moving blurs hurting his eyes. Oh and people liked to tackle the blind kid. He's had surgery now, he can see about 50%.
madkeepz ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 22:41:12 on September 16, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
My boss once told me "missing your mommy?"
I wanted to reply "Every single day of my life, sir. Do you?". Thank god I didn't because I remembered his mother had passed away a few weeks earlier
chikenjoe17 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 22:46:26 on September 16, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
"If you want my comeback, you can go scrape it off your mom's teeth"
Indyskyz ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 23:32:37 on September 16, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
If you want my come back, you'll have to scrape it off your mum's sheets.
Nah I'm joking! She swallowed it...
FalsifyTheTruth ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 23:46:40 on September 16, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Sike! That's the wrong number!
Chuckwagoncook ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 03:34:51 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
The jerk store called....they're all out of you.
George Castanza
The__Afterman ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 04:02:21 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
This silly girl at my college thought she was original and got the word "breathe" tattooed on her wrist. My 27-year old classmate goes up to her and asks "is that a reminder?"
So savage
flawlessp401 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 04:11:07 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Had a fun working friendship with a coworker who had sickle cell, so he was usually in a weakened state and occasionally walked with a limp on the bad days, one day I was huffin and puffin doing physical labor while also being out of shape.
SC: Come on Big Mac, don't you go having a heart attack on me with yo fat ass.
Me: Yeah whatever you say Tiny Tim. God Bless Us everyone.
NCCondor11 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 04:24:53 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I knew a chick who got extremely mad whenever someone told a joke about her, so one day during her bitching I told her "If you can take a dick you can take a joke".
[deleted] ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 04:31:32 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
[deleted]
Itstheonlyway_k ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 04:33:56 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Fuck you. I started reading that like it was real comment.
Araesia ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 04:42:42 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
You look like this piece of bread I saw at a bakery once, it just fucking sat their cause nobody wanted it.
HateCopyPastComments ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 04:48:25 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
In college me and my buddy were at his girlfriends room and we were about to go out. She tries some clothes and says to him, "Does this outfit make me look fat?" And he says, "You ARE fat."
Green-Brown-N-Tan ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 05:23:53 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
"Broke up with my girl, here's her number..."
"...PSYCHE! THAT'S THE WRONG NUMBER!"
Helmedelaon ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 06:16:00 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOHHHHHHHHHHHHHH WOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
kauri22 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 06:52:23 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Probably a bit late, Friend of mine was having an argument with her father, he was being a bit of a dickhead, said something she replied with the most golden comback ever... I'd Call you a cunt, but you lack the warmth and depth.... was just savage.
GamerInTrance44 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 09:51:16 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I think I was pretty slick this week. I was flirting with this chick at the store when I said something kinda mean.
She said, "fuck you!".
And I replied,"don't ever do that. Cause then you'd fall in love and I'd fall asleep!"
We're meeting tonight for drinks and dinner.
hueythecat ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 10:00:28 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Winston Churchill:
โIf I Were Your Wife Iโd Put Poison in Your Tea!โ โIf I Were Your Husband Iโd Drink Itโ
r2u2 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 13:51:30 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Mine. Emailed a girl on okcupid. She said "sorry, I don't date guys under 6' tall"
My reply was "I don't usually date women with less than a C cup, but I was willing to make an exception."
Compton727 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 17:03:04 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
A little back story here. There was a kid in middle school who had some sort of physical disability. He had leg braces like Jimmy from South Park, but not crutches. Anyways he was a real asshole. He sat out in gym every day and I forgot my clothes so I went to sit in the bleachers with him and a couple other people.
He looks at me and starts chuckling
Him "Too fat to play today?"
Me "I heard they're installing metal detectors at school soon. You won't be able to get in"
And from the on out he had it out for me.
IntoxicatedEmu ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 22:14:33 on September 16, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
"You look like Dora" Response: "Unlike you, I was exploring what it was like to be a good person."
MagnificentMallard ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 22:11:01 on September 16, 2016 ยท (Permalink)*
Antonio Brown was asked to comment on how much the NFL fined him for twerking in the end zone as a TD celebration against the Washington Redskins in Week 1.
His comment: "Nothing to a Boss."
EDIT: clarity
TheEpic5Miner ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 22:44:51 on September 16, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=b2XuYND9heI not rickroll
tomparker ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 23:00:17 on September 16, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Well, I've taken up enough of your time.........and vice versa.
Lemon_Lords ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 23:15:15 on September 16, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
"I smell like roses compared to you mate" after being told they smelled like shit.
AssBoon92 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 23:52:23 on September 16, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
"If I wanted some comeback, I'd wipe it off your chin"
Thatretroaussie ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:34:27 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
You just stole that form jimmie carr.
AssBoon92 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 13:54:12 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
:( I heard it from somebody in High School 15 years ago
Thatretroaussie ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 21:31:44 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Doubt that.
AssBoon92 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 21:37:38 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Heard it second hand. Guess he was lying.
rumble272 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 23:54:43 on September 16, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
"If I needed a comeback I would have wiped it off your mother's chin!"
It was well established that the mother of said person was recently deceased...
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:03:21 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
ITT: Takedowns so Savage that Rip Hunter had to assemble a team of heroes to travel through time to stop them
uswhole ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:06:50 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
"she should be running"
PunkJackal ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:14:58 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Someone said "don't mess up now" as the person they said it to was finishing up their task. They responded with "I already didn't."
dylanbob5 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:19:34 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)*
This classic Opie & Anthony (with Jim Norton) moment. It's the funniest and most savage comeback I've ever heard.
PREFACE: Travis is one of their staff members. His mother walked out on their family a number of years ago and he hasn't seen or spoken to her since. She's cut all ties to them.
Killa-Byte ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:19:38 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Atleast my parents kept me!
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:22:39 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
At least my ancestors could run fast enough not to get lynched
callmecurrybum ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:24:57 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
"Your birds got no chin"
FullHeartSableyes ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:27:46 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
"Oh ya well you're a cock monger! Do you know what monger means? It means to whorde, you whorde dick!" Random argument between friends.
WishDenied22 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:29:10 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
You're adopted.
vagitariann ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:33:00 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)*
Man on weightloss program: "In one year, I lost 150lbs"
Savage: "Amazing! So what's a divorce like?"
memoriesofmotion ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:33:31 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
For years, an old coworker would some time catch me while peeing in the bathroom and say: "Shake it more then twice and you are playing with yourself." On day he says it and off the top I reply: "Can't help it, it's like ringing out a beach towel." ... speechless.
SheZowRaisedByWolves ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:33:53 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
"You are a nerd."
"If you killed yourself, the school would enforce a weight limit."
Good lord.
Guntar13 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:47:06 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
YOU WOULD! Nothing tops that! It's an end all to anything. The other person has absolutely no clue what to come back with. Trust me try it...
Snidgetless ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:47:28 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I was my buddies when we were younger, drinking and smoking with his mom. They got in an argument and he called her a cunt. She looked him dead in the eyes and said "you're a load i should have swallowed".
kwaalude ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:51:34 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
If I wanted any of your lip, I'd scrape it off my zipper.
SlimGypsy ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:57:07 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
If you were choking to death on your own vomit I'd be inconvenienced having to step over you.
Swarles_Stinson ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:01:12 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
"I don't give a fuck what you say about me. The only opinions that matter to me are people i care about."
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:01:21 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
"guys always cat call me on the street"
"if you were on the street that often for that to happen you wouldn't be the size of your fucking ego"
seeRebane ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:01:42 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
ITT /r/ThatNeverEverHappened
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:03:07 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
"You're literally too stupid to insult." A movie.
Eforix ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:04:24 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
My friend and I were saying we were feeling hot cause the day was very hot outside and as we said that my 3rd friend says "Felt like yalls were getting baked? I bet thats what the jews felt like also." ......I don't know if it was okay to laugh or ...what
adaywithevan ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:06:38 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I have one! I was in my math class my first year of college. I was a madlad and grew out this wimpy little mustache on my upper lip. This really preppy girl sat in front of me, and one day she turned around and said "You have a wimpy mustache." Without skipping a beat I immediately said "So do you."
dyinglightly ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:09:58 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Guy: What's up giiirrrll? (Obviously trying to impress his friends)
Me: The chances of you going home alone tonight.
tripbz ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:14:02 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
The topic was trying different foods.
" How do you know you like smoked clams if you never tasted smoked clams?"
Me- " I never tasted dick but I don't need to try it to know I don't like it !!"
MacDerfus ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:17:04 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Someone once told me to go to hell and I said I'll be there waiting for him. I'm not sure I can deliver though, he was much older than me.
al032184 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:20:27 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I saw a guy I know get stabbed to death for fucking with someone. Pretty savage.
ExigeS ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:22:40 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I would rather put a campfire out with my face.
Dragonfudge ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:23:17 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Friend was dating a girl who had a four year old daughter. One day, while friends SO was taking a shower, he was instructed to put her in time out if she acted up at all. The daughter snaps at my friend, and he replies, "Oh shush. The best part of you ran down your mother's leg."
DaemonTheRoguePrince ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:24:32 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
One good one that leaves a deep welt in the right circumstances, brought to you by Mortal Kombat X.
NateDogg3472 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:25:06 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
When being hit with a really weak comeback. "If I wanted that come back I would have wiped it off your mothers lips"
Thatretroaussie ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:43:04 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Jesus fuck, how many cunts are in this thread that ripped off jimmie carrs joke.
lasrith ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:29:28 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Oh yeah, well the jerk store called and they're running out of you!
breezy84 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:33:34 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I was on a bowling league with a friend of mine. He would usually get pretty drunk throughout the evening and by the last game he'd be pretty obnoxious, and occasionally irritate people. A guy on the team we were bowling against one night was having a horrible night and not bowling well at all. My drunk friend yells out "Dude, have you ever even gotten a strike before?!", to which the guy whipped around and angrily yelled "Have you ever tried to pick your teeth up with broken fingers?!" I started cracking up...I still use that line today.
cutsmayne ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:35:21 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Not really a comeback but it's the first thing i though of.
In my HS junior year math class, a kid got called down to the office during class. As he got up to leave, the teacher stopped him by saying, "You might wanna bring your backpack, the dogs are gonna wanna sniff that too, Sean."
Also worth mentioning the student was a black male. Thankfully the student had a great sense of humor and knew the teacher was joking. Teacher was an old white guy who joked around a lot.
Elbatmango ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:36:47 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
No u
PM_ME_INAPPROPRIATLY ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:39:05 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
"You're not nearly attractive enough to have that bad a personality."
Zombiebirds ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:39:41 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
My wife who grew up in the foster care system told me," Must be nice to have rich parents." My response was "At least I have parents."
Neutral_Positron ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:40:10 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
'Oh, you know, kids will be kids'
'That is why parents need to be parents'
JJGrubbin ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:41:04 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
"You're the cumshot your mom should have swallowed" has always been a favorite of mine
imperson8or ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:42:29 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
You kiss your dad on the lips.
Kingjabs ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:45:11 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=XT9Tp5AAH3I
This kid is savage
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:48:54 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Do you kiss your mother with that mouth? "No, but I suck my dad with it."
Marconan ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:51:03 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Late to the party but back in middle school I was super proud of a burn I had prepared for my twin brother. I was going to call him a sloppy copy. I'm less than an hour older, the slam rhymed, I just needed the right time.
Near the end of the day the class was lined up in the hall (small school) and he said something snarky. I recognized the audience and timing and smoothly deployed my barbed quip.
Without missing a beat he flatly replied, "says a rough draft"
I know that I'm not in the burn ward as an adult but at the time it truly felt savage.
epsilis ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:54:22 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Ok, to tell this I've got to give a little background. My brother's a bit of an asshole. It was the early 2000's. So he's dating this girl and they're living in an apartment together. She comes home from her shift at the restaurant late one night, he's watching tv in the living room. One of those hilariously terrible infomercials for breast augmentation pills is on. He looks over at her and says hey, we could get some of those for you. She says sure thing. They make ones for your penis too, maybe we can try them out together?
Gat8r ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:55:53 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Your mom.
Trumpsmason ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:58:51 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I'm quick like a cat.
Yeah maybe Garfield.
Facel_Vega ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:00:52 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
This one
Skippypal ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:04:39 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)*
A kid on my little league team. He was rather mediocre and rude, but he and his dad had a inflated opinion of himself. A play happened where he threw the ball while on his knees for whatever reason.
His dad goes to congratulate him and it goes like this.
Dad: "Nice play man, threw that one on your knees"
Random kid: "that isn't the only thing he does on his knees"
electric_screams ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 02:27:08 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
"in" his knees?
Skippypal ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 11:38:15 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
It's late :/ changed it.
dairybrooks ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:06:34 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Somebody once yelled from a car to me "Your girlfriend's fat!" To which I respond with " So is your mom, but I still fucked her!"
sheprof ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:14:12 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
In Vegas for a friends bachelorette. We met a group of guys; long story short one of them got my number and after many drinks proceeded to suggest we go to my room for some very .....racy sexual action. I turned him down gently but firmly - not interested, and a little put off by his insistence/urgency/brazen nature of his suggestions. Eventually our groups parted ways uneventfully.
Later that night, I received a 4 text long ranting message from him that basically said how ugly and fat I was, how old me and my friends were, and how we were going to get increasingly ugly and fat as time went on (?), and how no one would ever love me, etc, etc.
This was 2010. I simply responded "Ok Mel Gibson."
The next day around noon he responded ".......Good one." Never heard from him again.
Vegas!
bewbies_ ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:16:25 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
"You should've been a blowjob your mother spit in the toilet."
I use it to this day. Thanks Corporal VonDoomHammer.
TheWhisperedthing ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:16:43 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
My dad wants my aunt out of his life because she constantly mooches off of him and then victimizes herself by saying "no one helps me" whenever he can't do one thing for her. She was on his insurance - never paid him back, he asked about it she said that no one helps her and no one cares about her, blah blah, blah. He kicked her off. She screamed at him. He screamed at her. Said he hopes her children are put with their other mother (She's a lesbian. They're her biological children, but her ex-partner still has weekend custody over them) for good and hopes she stays out of his life...
She said "My nieces will still talk to me!" He said "Which one? The one who hates your parenting? The one who you owe money to? Or the one who's bettering herself so she isn't like you?!"
(The oldest hates her parenting, the middle one she owes money too for babysitting 8 hours for 2-3 weeks, and me, the youngest, who's going to school, working, and going to therapy to fix the manipulation/anxiety/depression/laziness problem that she has)
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:17:17 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
"Is it in?" "I don't know."
sankittythegreat ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:18:12 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
"You throw like a girl!"
"Yeah? Well you catch like a homo!"
lnickelly ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:22:37 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
was on xbox making fun of a friend all stoned one night, it gets quiet and my fuckin super cool friend whips out this gem.
"ya know, they called it a jumpoline before your mom got on it"
I'd never heard that, and it shut me down hard.
boargueta ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:23:02 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I'm a summer camp counselor, and all I heard from two 13 year olds arguing was, "Shut up, Bryce! I'll cum in your mom!"
Thecardinal74 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:23:29 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
you look like your pacifier was made with asbestos
ThisPlaceReddit ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:26:06 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
If you want my comeback you're going to have to scrape it out of your mother's teeth - Jimmy Carr
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:28:32 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
"y-you too"
okcboomer87 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:29:30 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
A girl got sassy with my friend at a party as a retort to his chauvinism. He replied with "if I wanted that cum back I would of wiped it off your lips." the guys lost it.
darybrain ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:31:01 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Guy sees a pregnant looking waddling behemoth of a woman get onto the London underground during rush hour so offers her his seat: -
Woman: "Fuck you, you fucking bastard! Why, cause I'm feeble. I don't need your fucking macho bullshit. Just fuck off you asshole retard numpty! You're just a silly man."
Guy: "Well excuusse me! Are you are pregnant or just really fat? You're clearly unstable and you need to sit to hide your cankles. Either way move so I can speak to the prettier, younger, and slimmer girl behind you."
MightyMightyBulldog ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:41:27 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
My friend and his girlfriend were arguing about whether they should get married. They roped me into their bullshit and I replied, "you should definitely get married because neither of you will do any better".
fixgeer ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 06:04:42 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
...or maybe not because you both suck
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:42:41 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
RIP Greg,
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_iFGyN37UPs
Recycledlecturepad ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:43:21 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Looks at a guy: " hey we need a virgin sacrifice for a volcano i think you fit the job." Guy replies: "oh yeah then you should do it" First guy replies, "naw man i mean in thirty years' time"
Mellowsnake ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:45:59 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Grandmother around her 80's was complaining about "Things not being the right way anymore" and how the world has changed for the worse, nothing new there.
What was beautiful was the comeback her younger sister said "The world hasn't changed all that much and not for the worst in my opinion, you've just been living under a rock for 58 years, so get over it and stop complaining." This is because my grandmother is a borderline a crazy cat lady, who does nothing but nag.
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:47:00 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
In cricket, Glen McGrath vs Eddo Brandes:
McGrath: โWhy are you so fat?โ
Brandes: โBecause every time I fuck your wife, she gives me a biscuit.โ
thatdudeman52 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:47:39 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Whitlam at Sydney Town Hall debating the subject "That Politicians Have Lost Their Sense Of Humour" - "When Sir Winton Turnbull (a Victorian MHR) was raving and ranting on the adjournment and shouted 'I am a Country member', I interjected 'I remember'. He could not understand why, for the first time in all the years he had been speaking in the House, there was instant and loud applause from both sides."
source: http://www.smh.com.au/comment/obituaries/gough-whitlam-dead-his-memorable-quotes-20141020-1193jd.html
Sasparillafizz ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:51:11 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
"I get enough of that banging your mom every night"
"I heard, but the funeral home says they're changing their locks, so..."
Bsomin ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:58:36 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Winston Churchill was the of at these:
"If I were you wife I would poison your tea." "Madam if I were your husband I would drink it"
"You are stinking drunk" "In the morning I'll be sober but you will still be ugly"
Verone0 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:59:34 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
"That's why your mom is in a fucking wheelchair!"
evoguy58 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:01:42 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
i asked a co-worker "have you ever hung out with yourself? i wouldnt recommend it." he is a douche and i want to punch him in his stupid fucking face everytime he speaks.
gorka_la_pork ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:02:26 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Not a clapback strictly speaking, but it was funny and well-timed
A while back I went to a Soundgarden reunion show, and a lot of people there were dressed like it was grunge cosplay night. This one chick had on a tube top, mini skirt, fishnet stockings, and a flannel draped over all of it. She was idly trading barbs with her boyfriend a few places ahead of me in the beer line, and he good-naturedly said she looked like a "grunge prostitute". Without missing a beat, she replied "Yeah, well, Black Hole Sun costs extra."
Fucking riot.
redman31304 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:04:57 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
My family and I always taunt each other with pictures of our food when we go to Cracker Barrel. It's very limited up north and we love it. So I was at hooters and he sent a picture saying , "food bitch." So I got all the hot waitresses together and sent a picture with them saying, "whose the bitch now?" His response.
"YOU BECAUSE IM FUCKING YOUR MOTHER."
I lost.
spudtechnology ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:05:18 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Was with my brother in the hospital he was getting blood work and the nurse kept ripping on him for having bad veins. He finally got pissed off and said " a fucking heroin addict can do your job better than you!"
She was not impressed.
Eckleburgseyes ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:08:38 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
The jerk store called, they're running out of you.
KRBridges ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:08:50 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
My kid was on x-box, playing some game with his online friend. He may have been 9 at the time.
The kid said, "Do you have a sniper rifle? If you don't have a sniper then you're terrible at this game."
My kid: "I don't have one."
"Then you suck at this game."
With no hesitation, and with an even voice, my kid replied, "Well, you're a failure at life."
I just felt so happy.
Insatiable_Pervert ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:09:18 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Coming back later to learn combacks
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:12:53 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
[deleted]
Mgmegadog ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:13:44 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
"How did you know, it only came out of the closet this morning."
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:13:14 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
"At least your personality makes up for it" -friend's ex girlfriend
black1ce ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:15:47 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
"What a creep and this is coming from a guy who jerks off to toes"
stitzy1 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:19:15 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
A couple of my favorites are: I've been called worse by better people...or...I've been kicked out of nicer places than this. Sorry if already posted.
paradigmseeker ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:19:53 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I hope you have the day you deserve
adelaide129 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:20:08 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
"yes, there is a vegetarian option. you can fuck off."
Curiosity-92 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:22:28 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
my friend said to another friend do you have a hot sister? friend returned no but i got a brother which you can fuck.
funwithoutsun ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:26:12 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Do you think I'm funny?
Looks aren't everything.
COMPUTER1313 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:30:19 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)*
Several years back, got in an argument with a sibling.
The sibling said, "What's your GPA? Oh right, I have 3.8 and you have 3.2. Shut up, go back to your bedroom and study so you aren't such an embarrassment."
EDIT: I also remember back in high school when my parents joked that I would cause a bridge to collapse if I was an engineer.
I am now an engineer. Who could easily cause houses to burn down by letting some certain defective parts get through production and make it into assembly.
barryspencer ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:30:31 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I know thee not, old man; fall to thy prayers. How ill white hairs become a fool and jester! I have often dreamed of such a kind of man: so old, so surfeit-swelled, and so profane, but being awaked I do despise my dream. Make less thy body hence and more they grace; leave gourmandizing; know the grave doth gape for thee thrice wider than for other men.
firechaox ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:35:17 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
One time I was arguing with my ex after we broke up, and she's upset because I haven't really wanted to hang out together anymore and she's on a rant, and she finishes with "If you're going to act this way I think I might regret that we went out together", and I just hate bluffs and shit, so I just pull out a "oh really? Because I definitely regret we went out together", and then just walked out. Probably not the most savage I've ever heard, but the lost savage that comes to mind.
Pierre777 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:36:05 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Janice: "Make sure you drop the [TPS] reports in my slot"
Steven Glansberg: "We know. Everyone's been in your slot, Janice"
_agrippa_ ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:38:27 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Jimmy Kimmel vs. Sabrina the teenage witch.
http://m.youtube.com/watch?v=ulm9aee6cTY&autoplay=1
Flandersmcj ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:39:17 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
"If"
ShyVi ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:40:46 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
"No!" -Rosa Parks
Rev_Jim_lgnatowski ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:44:17 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Drihzer ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:46:48 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Mr. Churchill if I was your wife I'd poison your coffee.
If I was your husband, I'd drink it.
HollywoodLook ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:48:03 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I was eating chicken (I eat chicken ALL the time, I workout a lot, whole chicken is best bang for my buck) and my sister told me "when will you stop eating chicken? I replied "I don't know, when will you stop sucking dicks?" My mom started laughing her ass off.
*yeah my sister was a big slut 1 year ago.
KoruTsuki ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:49:20 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Heard this from a friend. When a jerk calls you a pussy reply with, "you are what you eat, dick"
Itskickerrr ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:50:09 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
"Everytime your name gets mentioned, i just spit"
TonySoprano420 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:50:30 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Well I bet you wish your nose was a dick so you could have sex with my face vagina!
Classic MacGruber
BeastModular ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:50:55 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
The sound of your mom throwing up
publicram ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:51:14 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Another engineer was asking me question that were pretty self evident but wanted me to go into more detail about. I finally said you're asking how a clock works. When all you need to know is the time.
Adiwik ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:53:25 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
if I wanted my cumback I would've wiped it of your moms face.
hotniX_ ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:53:29 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Leaving a club in South Beach I hear two friends kind of play arguing about who's the man.
Friend1: I get twice as many hoes as you do!
Friend2: Two times zero is still zero bitch!
Everyone who was within an earshot cracked up and did the whole "ooooooh" thing.
tshort94 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:54:01 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Two-Face: "Get out of my face!"
Joker: "Which one?"
eshultz ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:54:03 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
If I wanted my come back I'd slap your mother in the mouth
Skyinflatballaz ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:54:16 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
In high school I was challenged to a game of one-on-one basketball by this guy on the lacrosse team; I check him the ball and as he's dribbling he decides to trash talk and says, "You should just give up like your ancestors?"
He caught me off guard, drove past me, and missed the layup
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:54:43 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Not so much a comeback, but this really annoying short kid was talking about how vitamins help you "grow". I told him he was a good example of that.
cghorse66 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:55:30 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
"THAT'S WHY YOUR MOM'S IN A WHEELCHAIR"
iLL_Cobi ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:56:54 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I was workin and listening to Yellow Brick Road by Eminem. Rapping along with it I get to the chorus "Follow the yellow brick roadโฆ" before the line finished this chick I used to talk to says "oh you goin to find a brain?" I replied "Yeah but at least I have a heart." Other coworkers laughed and she turned red. With that retort it would appear my brain was not lost.
Paradoxyc ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:57:05 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Ur mom!
RobbieStew ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:57:12 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
So back in college we were at a buddy's house having beers. Subject went to hockey two guys disagreed and it ended up escalating to them basically making fun of each other and not in a fun way.
Then it all ended with one comment. "Oh yeah? At least my mom has hair".
The other guys mom was going through chemo for breast cancer at the time.
Had to break up a fight. I guess the comeback wasn't as much vicious as it was stupid.
Smurved ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:59:21 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
There was a kid in high school who's Dad died when he was 4. It was around Christmas time so people in class were talking about what the wanted. This kid turns to me and says:
"You probably won't get anything cause your family is poor."
I looked him dead in the eye and without hesitation I said:
"At least my whole family will be together for Christmas."
He never talked to me again.
ApathyAbound ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 04:03:02 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
When I was in grade 8, I was a typical snarky smart smartass student. Was in a disagreement with my teacher and I said, "I beg to differ-"
Teacher promptly cut me off and calmly said, "you can beg all you want, it's not going to change anything"
Shut me right down, but damn was I ever impressed.
tuck190 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 04:03:11 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Not necessarily an insult, but the nastiest thing I could think to say to someone, "I hope you outlive your children."
Ukenagashi ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 04:03:13 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Girl just got out of PFit class (personal fitness? I forgot what the p stood for), and she's laying down on the floor of the math classroom. Teacher strolls on in.
Teacher: Why are you laying on the floor?
Girl: Ughhhh, PFit is sooo tiring....
Teacher: PFit? More like unfit.
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 04:03:42 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Not the most savage I've ever heard, but John Carney's response to a question about working with Keira Knightley was pretty rough
biscuity87 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 04:05:21 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Years ago when i was living with some friends we had some people over to hang out. We were all drinking and having a good time, i was getting particularly drunk, just chilling listening to the conversation. Someone was talking to someone else about some sort of minor surgery, i cant remember what it was. Someone else chimes in, "well, even minor surgery has risks of complications." not even 2 seconds later my drunk ass says "yep, just ask kanye." (kanye west's mother had just died at the time from complications of a boob job and ab tuck which he paid for and arranged)
S_T_R_Y_K_E_R ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 04:06:28 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Sometimes when my friends and I try to insult each other one of us just says "Stop talking about yourself in 2nd/3rd person."
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 04:06:40 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Girl we know got into a pretty bad motorcycle accident while drunk. So a couple years later she still had some bad scarring. A friend of ours didn't know her at all and was wearing a tir-die colored billabong Hoodia. She walks in a party and goes "wtf happened to your hoodie" and he replys "what the fuck happened to your face".
Diabeetush ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 04:31:41 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Not really a comeback but more of a total burn:
Our professor/instructor was talking about how human babies evolved over time to look more like their fathers.
My girlfriend just slowly turns towards me and gives me a half-smirk half-smile that says "yeah that's gonna' be an issue!"
LilKingTrashmouthEsq ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 04:35:31 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
after a friend's father abandoned his family: You know it broke your dads heart to leave your mom like that. she was the love of his life, but he just couldnt stand you.
JohnnyEscape ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 04:43:15 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
My buddy was wearing a Texans jacket in downtown Indianapolis. This one legged guy in a wheelchair who's always downtown shaking a cup says "haha we whooped yer asses" and my friend said "well I guess it's a good thing I can still walk then"
lunchbox1911 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 04:44:45 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
My friend's sister walked into a party we were all at one night. Backstory, she's on the plus side but not by much.
Friend's sister: "what's up guys?"
Her brother : "your cholesterol."
Our jaws dropped. She turned bright red and didn't see her for a week.
PirateNinjaa ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 04:45:08 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
You know why I'm fat? Because every time I'm done fucking your mom she makes me sandwiches.
Fudgms ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 04:45:13 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Got into an argument on here about either spanking or yelling at your kids and whether or not it's okay. The guy claimed that it causes issues in the kids and adds distance in the relationship. I could have respectfully disagreed and had a civil discussion about it, but he got hostile and dumb (literally claimed that psychology is a black and white science...).
I told him thats how i was raised and my father and I don't have a strained relationship and that it can be used if done properly, and that he is just a shitty parent.
Slackerette ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 04:45:54 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
The most savage thing I've ever said:
Eighth grade. A classroom. For some reason, one of the popular girls is painting her nails from her seat beside me, and makes a joke about loving the smell of nail polish. Her friend tsks and says, "If you keep doing that you'll kill your brain cells."
I raise an eyebrow at the scene and look away, muttering, "What brain cells?"
I freeze as I realize it was the rudest thing I've ever said. The girl froze too, but instead of biting back she just laughs nervously, finishes up her paint job, and looks away.
I should've been a bitch my entire elementary school career.
Tampaburn ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 04:46:21 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Do actions speak louder than words? I'll repost from myself in /r/pettyrevenge
So, I was minding my own business this last Sunday. Just shopping at a grocery store and prepping for a nice day with football and beer. Kinda hungover from the night before and in my own little world. I'm torn...Do I want verde or red salsa for my chips?
Out of no where, this entitled crab of a human being derailed my train of thought and hollered "Hey big guy, MOVE!!!". It would turn out, she(I think it was a she) thought I was in her way. But here is the thing. I wasn't in her way. There was 4 feet behind me and could've easily maneuvered around.
So as crab bitch waddled away, she set her basket on the ground to peruse range dressings. In a quick stroke of petty vengeance, I picked the basket up and set it snugly on the top shelf. Crustacean Carla was a wee lobster, and couldn't possibly reach it.
As I rounded the corner, I could hear her start to get worked up.
AChimimunima ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 04:46:37 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Calculated.
Republic_Burrito ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 04:46:45 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Not as savage as some of the stuff I've read on here but it helped solve my bully problem. This guy in my class was constantly bullying me in my first few weeks of high school. One day in English we were doing improve speeches to help build our confidence talking in front of the class and I had to talk about sickness. I was so fed up with this guy so when my turn came around I just stood at the front and said "being sick is like looking at [bully's] face". Never got picked on again by him after that day.
KeepCalmAndCarryOn15 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 04:47:05 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Late to the party, but... when someone says for example
"You're stupid!" "No you're stupid" "If I wanted my comeback then I would wipe it off your mother's chin."
BremCrumbs ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 04:55:41 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
That's bloody beautiful
stkchk4 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 04:47:40 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
ITT: minimal savagery -- much lameness
HunterForce ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 04:49:03 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
"... You have a weak soul."
onajag ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 04:51:24 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
These.
Kougeru ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:17:52 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Holy shit lol
Svezy ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 04:51:25 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Maybee your purpose in life is to serve as a warning to others.
Iridescent_Arnold ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 04:51:27 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
If you want your comeback, why don't you just wipe it off your daughters chin.
Calius1337 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:38:04 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Joke's on you. My daughter swallows!
Help_An_Irishman ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 04:53:19 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Jerk store.
DeadHeadAhead ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 04:55:28 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Oh ya, well I slept with your wife.
GrandmaJosey ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 04:56:00 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Nice comeback...
If I wanted my cum back I'd scrape if off your mother's teeth.
Overheard in an Xbox live lobby
Raiderboy105 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 04:56:57 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
"Your mom said that last night."
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:00:04 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Directed at a girl -
"Your not good looking enough to be this big of a bitch."
pattyfatsax ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:00:31 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I'm gonna wrap my dick around your neck and start you like a Fucking lawnmower - Joe Rogan
fwubglubbel ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:00:38 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I'm sure it was planned, or written by writers, but it was still great. Jon Stewart was asking Stephen Hawking about multiple universes:
JS:"So somewhere there's a universe where I'm smarter than you?"
SH: "Yes, and there's even one where you're funny."
Nettius2 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 07:03:00 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Stephen Hawking makes facial ticks to help someone try to figure out what letter he's trying to write. It is extremely tedious to write anything down. Sorry, but it was scripted.
fwubglubbel ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:00:04 on September 18, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Not quite. His system selects words. Yes it is slow, but I have seen him in person answer real-time questions from the audience with no assistance. He just needed a few minutes.
That said, of course you're right about it being pre-programmed. I was just wondering if he came up with it himself.
Nettius2 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:25:50 on September 18, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I hadn't thought about it in a non-scientific context. This does sound more efficient.
When scientific writing papers, he has a grad student guessing letters and trying to finish his sentences. Often a word is enough to get the student pointed in the right direction and quickly finish his thought.
sirgog ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:00:42 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
"I hope one day to be half as good as you think you are"
Worst_NA_Zed ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:00:48 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Student: So I got a 0 on this group assignment but our group got the full 20 points. (I am pretty sure the student misread the score vs out of how much since it was an extra credit assignment).
Teacher: I was actually scoring your worth as a person.
Class lost their shit. For context, this was very recently at a college that we had all just started. This was the 4th class of the year. LOL
Ploxzx ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 05:05:20 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
If that isn't rekt idk what is
SmoothFlipper ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:01:17 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I'm in the Air Force. Was standing in formation when a first lieutenant (O-2) approached us and got in an argument with our Chief (E-9). LT asked why the chief didn't salute him since we were outside. Chief told him:
"Why dont you climb up my stripes and get it."
Even though I was at attention and couldn't move, that was the most hyped I've ever been to be enlisted.
For those that aren't military, our highest ranking enlisted rank is a Chief Master Sergeant. And even though they have been in for a long time, sometimes 20+ years, the lowest ranking officer who is straight out of college still technically out ranks him.
PlatinumSif ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:01:37 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Back in middle school my step sister at the time introduced me to one of my best friends. Well, one day they had an argument and he said something he shouldn't have cause she did something she shouldn't have and my step mom said we couldn't hang out until he said he was sorry. Well I told him that and we met at the end of the court and he said, "Hey, I'm really sorry...sorry that I ever met you." And then looked at me shrugged his shoulders and walked home. I got grounded for laughing..
alphadextro ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:02:36 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
about a famous british billionare. Daughter brings husband to meet dad after their wedding and this is how the conversation goes:- daughter:- dad meet X. Wouldn't he make an excellent husband? dad:- Certainly, He would be an ideal first one.
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:03:00 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
[deleted]
locotx ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:14:21 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
... imagine when it's fully erect.
Liteup ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:03:27 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Turned on some Amity at a party a girl says it was shit, my mate turns to her and simply said "You're shit". She goes all sarcastic, clapping and saying "Oh what a comeback, I so wish you would take that back". Without missing a beat, my mate turns on his heels and says to her "If I wanted my cum back I'd wipe it off your teeth". She cried, we laughed.
emberkit ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:03:28 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
My dad and his friend were messing around during p.e. The teacher pulled them aside and asked, "you want to grow up to be a dink? " "Naw, I want to grow up to be a middle gym teacher."
TazDingoAye ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:03:54 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
"Well, the Jerk Store called, and they're running out of you."
monxas ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:04:11 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
4am in the morning. A friend talking with a girl he knows. Out of the blue a (male) friend of the first who doesn't know the girl walks in and say to the girl:
-you smell like a man
Without missing a beat, the chick said:
-thank god I haven't been with you. If so, I'd smell like pussy.
Mind blown.
WhyDoIWatchMyDogPoop ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:05:07 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
You were just another hole..
nhlroyalty ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:07:47 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
If I wanted a comeback I'd scrape it off your mother's teeth
eddmario ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:09:13 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Does Berry Manilow know you raid his closet?
fluffy-bunny ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:09:36 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Leaving a bar after a few drinks with my lady and friends. Its a very small bar so if anything happens everyone can witness it.
I am also very tall (6ft 7in). So as my gf and I are walking out of the front door a short petite sorority chic, two friends and her frat boyfriend enter right as we leave.
We almost run into one another and she looks up and with discuss all over her face says "your tall"! Without missing a beat I reply "I can titty fuck you standing up!"
The bar comes to a pause.... Pool player stop, people pause, and everyone at the bar turn to look. There at that moment she had nothing. Complete shock along with her girlfriends. Her fratboy boyfriend couldn't/wouldn't do anything since I am drunk and literally twice his size.
My girlfriend didn't wait to see what happened. She pushed me out the door and took me home. This happened over ten years ago now but my girlfriend/wife still loves to tell this story to friends over beers..... It was a good night.
Happyface89 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:10:18 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
My grandfather is pretty sarcastic and witty, and he always makes fun of me in good fashion, so one day I tried to get him outside with "oh look an an ancient relic! It moves." Grandfather: "Oh look. A pile of bird shit. Oh. It's my granddaughter " Like holy shit
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:11:01 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Girl named Mariana was saying after a party that she should be called "butterfly. She was my bf's brother and a total bitch. I told her: "is your name Joanne too?", she said no and i replied "you look as much as a Joanne as you look like a butterfly". Everyone lost it.
Smallgineer ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:11:08 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Was shopping for snacks and general whatchamacallits with my roommates, when we bump into two girls from a rival college. Banter is exchanged, we go separate ways. Bump into them a second time, and they start saying things like "Oh, are you stalking us now?" and they walk away laughing. Run into them a third time, because it's a small town with only one Walmart. Again, "You guys must be really into us, huh?" I respond with, "You're alright, but you're not my type." One girl is laughing her ass off, the other is momentarily shocked but launches into a whole rant about how she is out of my league and such. Kind of a missed opportunity, they both were pretty attractive, had a good sense of humor, but I never saw them again.
adorabletea ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:11:22 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
The poem you gave to a girl who didn't like you about your mourning for a dead dog you never had was written on stolen notebook paper and had sad rhymed with bad twice.
It was rejected by the trash can.
pauljohn408 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:11:24 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
A guy at my school got made fun of by some girl so he so graciously retorted, "well look at you, you're a fucked up abortion. They couldn't kill you"
I've heard a lot of shit but that stuck with me
Nihilates ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:12:26 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
A really self centered Irish musician / gypsy scumbag who married into my family in order to stay in the US once spent a whole half hour trying to dazzle me with his "wit and charm" at Thanksgiving dinner. I rolled my eyes through most of it, but I caught the last thing he said, "a great Irish storyteller once told me that the only reason we write things down is so that we can forget them," to which I immediately replied, "that sounds good, I should write it down." He grimaced and left me alone.
SethingtonMoss ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:12:32 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
A guy on xbox said "your forehead looks like the back of a crunch bar" I laughed.
lazrbeam ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:12:36 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Yeah? Well I had sex with your wife!
Wf2968 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:13:13 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Friend 1 to friend 2: "you're high you need to stretch"
Friend 2: " maybe I'll stretch when I got down on your mom"
vNeowned ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:13:16 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Shiva the East?
Morel like, Shiva the Deceased.
Hellguin ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:13:28 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
If I wanted a comeback I would scrape it from your mothers tooth!
LogicalZim ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:13:59 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
If you want my comeback you'll have to scrape it off your mother's teeth.
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:15:21 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
the jerk store called
stapler_mouse ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:15:52 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Some women at a restaurant at the table next to us commented about how someone at our table left a lot of their food on their plate as we were walking out and how there were children starving in Africa. My friend quipped back with "and I bet you still wipe your ass with 3-ply right?" And walked away. The look on her face was amazing, only one upped by her husband/boyfriend/SO trying to hold in his laughter.
c0nversation ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:16:05 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
"Bitch I might be"
R0CHEF0RT ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:16:08 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Was reminded of this one on r/jokes the other day from Winston Churchill:
Churchill: "Madam, would you sleep with me for five million pounds?" Socialite: "My goodness, Mr. Churchill... Well, I suppose... we would have to discuss terms, of course... " Churchill: "Would you sleep with me for five pounds?" Socialite: "Mr. Churchill, what kind of woman do you think I am?!" Churchill: "Madam, we've already established that. Now we are haggling about the price
jilly_is_funderful ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:16:33 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
My youngest brother is one of the sweetest people. He is a giant teddy bear of a guy. But he can cut you right to the bone if need be(all of my siblings and I have that ability. Thanks mom).
He was on his college campus, sitting in the library studying. Two girls are sitting in close proximity, having a louder than necessary conversation. Girl A is chunky(apparently less attractive according to brother, but not unfortunate looking), Girl B is sporty, cheerleader type.
A: Ugh, i feel so fat B: You look great! Blah blah blah girl noises.
Conversation continues on in this vein.
Brother to Girl B: I think you look nice. B: scoffs I only like being complimented by attractive guys Brother(is gay, does not give a jolly green fuck, is simply a nice person): Hey, well maybe if you swallowed some of the makeup you have caked on your face, you could try to make your insides pretty too.
Cue outrage noises and girl B crying.
Don't be a cunt.
Mrninjamonkey ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:17:55 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I forget who it was, but there was apparently a guy who approached some famous person with his dick out saying he had something the dude could sign.
Famous dude replied "I don't know if I can sign it...but I can initial it..."
whorfin ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:18:10 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Kim Kardashian
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OvTkUuCVB4Y
markossip ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:18:22 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
"Nice comeback"
"If I wanted my cumback I'd wipe it off your mom's chin"
inspektorkemp ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:19:49 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
A friend of mine walked up to me and greeted me with "/u/inspektorkemp sucks". I, without missing a beat, go "and you swallow", naturally.
Her: "At least I'm good at it."
Jdreeper ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:19:53 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
If you don't like me so fucking much.... and ain't even been with yo lady in 2 years.... why YOU STILL HATIN
H20fearsme ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:20:39 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I had an ex tell me a few times that I suck at life. That's about as bad as it gets really
AmnesiaCane ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:20:39 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
"You fight like a dairy farmer!"
"How appropriate, you fight like a cow!"
chattymcgee ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:20:44 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
"Oh Sweety, you're not pretty enough to be that big a bitch."
H2-van_g-O ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:21:19 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
My best friend came in late to school one day and was hurrying up the stairs when she fell. There was a guy walking behind her that saw and remarked "That was a fail" to which she replied "So was your dad's condom." I've never been prouder to be her friend.
Alt-Tabby ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:22:09 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
After telling a joke that fell flat, someone chimed in.
"Wow, that must have sounded a lot better in your head!"
Crotch_Snorkel ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:27:16 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
"You know what man... sometimes I wish you didn't beat that cancer!" -Mystery team
danheinz ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:27:27 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
"You're the load your mother should have swallowed"
captaineyesight ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:27:43 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
coworker: Hey boss, CaptainEyesight said something bad about you yesterday, but I defended you.
boss: Oh?
coworker: Yeah, he said you weren't fit to sleep with pigs. But I disagreed, I said you were.
boss: <blank stare>
me: bwahahah
electricdynamite ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:28:19 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
"You're just jealous that I'm a P-I-M-P."
"You spelled loser wrong."
KingJeremyTheVII ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:28:39 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
My dad came up to me with fruit in his hand and I asked if it was a pear. His response was, "No, it's just one."
New_L ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:28:46 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Late but once when I was younger my dad(who rarely says negative things) was driving and this lady bolts across the street and nearly gets hit. My dad slams on the breaks to avoid killing the lady when she yells and calls him a "Motherfucker!" Dad calmly but loudly says, "then maybe you whores should stay off the streets!" Took me 5 years to understand what it meant.
ikedag808 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:29:03 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
When someone gives you shit about how you are doing your job the correct response is: Hey I don't come to your work, slap the dick out your mouth and tell you how to do your job.
nerdybird84 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:29:09 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Guy: "My dick is so long, it hangs three inches from the floor."
Girl: "Only when you're laying on your stomach."
ThugLifeNewShit ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:29:35 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
https://pbs.twimg.com/media/CdKqRQmWEAEoVUO.jpg:large
JintoBenie11 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:30:05 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
During our final year of highschool everyone was studying for their exams in economics class. It was quiet and a student who was usually slow at learning finally understood the theory and rejoiced "I finally get it now! It all makes sense!" Then the most quiet student in class on the otherside replied "fucken great did you want a medal?!". Needless to say the class went crazy and no one could study afterwards
cwatz ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:30:33 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Lady Nancy Astor: Winston, if you were my husband, I'd poison your tea.
Churchill: Nancy, if I were your husband, I'd drink it.
zaq0920 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:30:39 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
"Blinks"
LeonardZelig ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:32:42 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Grandfather said to my mother, who was singing, when she was a kid in the 60's.
"I wish you were on the radio." "Really?!" "Yes, so I could shut you off".
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:32:45 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
"I fucked your mom like a ninja last night."
"So you came and went without anyone noticing?"
2milehigh ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:33:35 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
"if I wanted a come back, I'd scrap it off the roof of your mouth"
10TAisME ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:33:50 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
ITT: A bunch of stuff worthy of /r/thatHappened
Zoltron963 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:33:58 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Not an original line but I did use it. "Oh that's awkward cause I have a boyfriend" that's okay I'll just give you my number and you can call me when you break up
NoItsHighHowAreYou ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:34:02 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Buried but in highschool we and the blokes were shootin it up at the cafeteria table. Now one of my buddies is the nicest/ realist person out of all of us, and his elder either has Down's syndrome. Anywho we are chatting and my same friend says something that probably wasn't the "smartest" way to word what he wanted (you know, just learning stupid misconceptions you have from your childhood) and the kid across from him says, "That's retarded, but I guess it runs in the famil..." his hand smacked his mouth and everyone let out a gasp and then laughter.
Falchus ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:34:23 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
"I hear you do strange things to your ships Khan."
"I hear you do strange things to your warriors."
Matech ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:36:29 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
ITT; /r/dumbcombacks
rorogadget ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:37:01 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
"I hope your right hand cheats on you"
Naughty_Poptart ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:38:06 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Not really a comeback, but one time in middle school i asked a girl out. Her response was "only in your wettest dreams"
blackdoug2005 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:38:51 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
When British actor Peter Firth once asked actress Jenny Agutter "Can you give me one good reason why we shouldn't go to bed together?" she replied
"Yes, I could give you several"
OrgyOfMadness ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:40:00 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I was playing WoW and we were mid raid, because fucking nerds. So one guy who happens to be a brother says, "hey J you're a white boy, what's cantalope taste like?" So I don't miss a beat and say, "you're a black guy, what's watermelon taste like?" You could hear his family over vent laughing and one of them yelled "buuurrrrnnnnn".
It was mighty epic. We didn't finish the raid that night either as it went into chaos at that point. We got the lich king the next weekend though. Because fucking nerds....
dezeiram ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:40:12 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I was at dinner with my boyfriend and our mutual friends for a birthday in the group yesterday. I've been dating this guy for a couple of months. I'm the new youngest in the group, since I'm 18 still. So N says "man J, you're still the baby! Only 19 years old."
I raised my hand, and he says "nah you're temporary."
That1Guy708 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:40:32 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I told my friend he was an accident.
mjoallie ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:40:54 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Man, 8th grade...This guy was picking on this girl saying how nobody liked her and that she didn't have any friends, finally she snapped back with.."yeah, well at least my dad liked me enough to stick around." He was stunned, turned around and was silent the rest of the ride home. His dad left his family about 6 months prior. Pretty fucked, but he deserved it.
Kitty_Messiah ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:41:36 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Overheard a conversation during art class between two of my classmates on who their preferred partner was when one of them shouts across the room: "Woah hold on, I don't swing that way!". Our teacher stops whatever he was doing, turns his chair and says: "[insert name], you don't swing at all."
He and our art teacher had this weird love-hate relationship, but this sparked an everlasting war that would last through many generations.
liquidh2o ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:41:44 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Waiting at the hospital, my four and thirteen year old daughters are trying to get under each other's skin....
4YO: your count is low.
Teen: What count? It has to be a part of your body, like your white blood cell count.
4YO: Your brain cell count is low.
Zeruvi ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:42:58 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Told by me accidentally. I didn't even think it through I just blurted out a retort and it turned out to be amazing.
Girl on bus: Are you gay?
Me: You're making me
wembit ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:43:01 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I hope the make a wish foundation can't find a good celebrity for you.
Amrokmfc ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:44:41 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Arguing with an ex a long time ago, she went off about having to deal with all these different things and tried to guilt me into getting back with her and helping her. My response:
"You are the source of all your problems." and walked away.
reincarnateddildo ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:44:43 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
'Yo girl, where your man at?!'
At home. With my burka.
AverageJoe313 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:44:49 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
"I don't hate you because you're black, I hate you because you're a cunt"
-guy who had the race card pulled one too many times
febfebfeb ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:46:18 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
This is not a good story and doesn't make me look like a hero so I'll keep it short.
One of my friends was backing out of an undertaking we'd committed to, and I was mildly upset so I said "well, I guess quitting runs in the family!"
Her dad committed suicide several years earlier.
(My dad's dead too and we often make really dark jokes about our dead dads that no one is allowed to laugh at but us, but the savageness of this burn still haunts me. She didn't seem too upset but I wish I hadn't said it.)
AndrueLane ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:47:29 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
My little sister, around 7 at the time, was sent to her room by my mother. About 15 minutes later my mother calls her into the living room for a chat. My sister walks over to the counter and puts her head down with her arms over her face, waiting to get bitched at for being a little twat earlier. My mother asks "are you ready to stop acting like a little brat"... without missing a beat, my little sister looks directly into my mothers eyes and says with a runny nose "you better start being nice to me or I'm gonna saw your neck off".
Not really clever... just savage.
Pace2pace ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:48:36 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
This was about three years ago, about two months after my dad died.
Me: Your dad's a sexist
Friend: Don't call my dad a sexist
Me: What about fat? Can I call your dad fat?
Friend: Your just jealous because your dad is dead
Me..........
lilpipi7 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:49:43 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Super late but this happened when my daughter was 3.
I was out helping my mother-in-law with some house work when my daughter walks up getting right in the way. I politely ask her to move out of the way a couple of times and she doesn't. My MIL comes and sternly tells her to move and she says "NO" My MIL then says "Excuse me?! Who do you think you're talking to" My daughter replies "I'M TALKING TO YOU"
I thought I was going to witness a murder.
Ihatefluffies ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:50:43 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Guy A, A kid I grew up with had a brain tumor around 7th grade and had to get some of his brain removed. We were at a Young Life meeting 4 or 5 years later in high school. guy B was a football player, not the most popular or brightest guy around. Guy A and guy B have a small disagreement which ends with B calling A retarded. A stands up, walks to the front of the room where there's a microphone. He pulls the mic off the stand, turns it on and says "at least I didn't get rejected by the University of (state school that almost everyone with a C average from my school could get into.)" proceeded to drop the mic and walk out without saying a word to anybody and just left as the room erupted. A is still kinda fucked up, B is a cop now.
Rudycrown ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:51:09 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
A friend was breaking up with a girl and said "you're Sunday's paper and today's Thursday" shit was over after that line
Makiau1 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:52:42 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
"Me and your mom weren't and still aren't ready for you, you little prick"
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:52:52 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
A student told me I do cocaine every day. I told him, "No, that's your mom when she was pregnant with you."
straitodenim ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:53:30 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
History teacher busted a pen in his pocket, heard it about 10 times, larger student says "Hyatt you got ink on your shirt" "at least I don't have to go to Omar the tent maker to get another." Same teacher, any time Girl was late to class "Jennifer why don't you pull up a couple chairs and join us?"
Astrangerindander ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:54:00 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I'll wheel myself out
DrunkHonesty ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:54:09 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
After my cousins wedding, 3 friends and I went to a bar to continue the night. One of these friends was a girl named Julie, the other 2 were guys.
It was raining, so when we stepped out for a puff we went to duck into an ally way for some cover. One of the patrons of the bar shouted out to us in an antagonizing tone,
"Are you going to go rape her back there?"
I responded,
"At least we're getting some!"
Laughter erupted from everyone in earshot.
When we came back after the puff, the guy was all fists as soon as I came out of the ally. I was hammered, but still had the wits about me to cradle my head... block my ears with my wrists and face with my forearms and elbows. It ended after I took a pummeling, but no real damage was done.
The bartender said the guys were trying to pick fights all night. Being assholes to everyone.
UserNombresBeHard ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:55:38 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
"Your mum's a whore!!"
"Hah! Dude we're not siblings."
hoboshoe ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:56:08 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
It was the PE swimming unit and I was sitting on the non-swimming block because I forgot to do my math homework. so me and this guy were having a roast, and he pulled some shitty insult about my glasses. to which I responded
"The sun's doing a better job of roasting me than you are"
It was overcast...
meandean69er ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:57:50 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I'm a pretty mild mannered person and never have quick wit but I was going into work one day and my pants were sagging some and a girl I worked with who was 25(I was 17 at the time) said, "pull your pants up!" And without seconds hesitation I said, "pull yours down bitch!" Coworkers couldn't believe it and neither could I
cl0rkw0rk ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:58:13 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
"I've been to a place you've never been before" "I've never been that deep into your mom"
SchrodingersCatGIFs ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:58:43 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
"Well, I stopped smoking crack, but you still have herpes."
Clair_Voyant ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:58:54 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
So my ex-boyfriend and his friend got into a fight because my ex called his friend's girlfriend a fat whore. Ex's friend gets angry and says that he and his gf think (I) dress and look like a white trash transvestite. Ex comes back with "At least she'd be wearing trash and not eating it along with the fucking can it came in, unlike your girl."
Got a nice laugh out of it. Not to be petty, but it's pretty relative that ex and I were both wealthy and rather well dressed, and the girlfriend in question was also a bit overweight and promiscuous.
kaos_ ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:59:03 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Patton Oswalt has been burned a couple of times on Twitter recently. We're talking hyperdimensional 5D nuke burns. Like, as a reader, I read that and just went looking for ice and water right away.
TaedW ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:59:31 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
"It's not even wrong."
Life_Tripper ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 06:00:03 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Are you trying to be savage?
OnfiyA ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 06:01:07 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
This girl was annoying the shit out of me for a while and we were sitting on a bench and she has a lighter and goes "Can I burn your leg hair?" Without hesitation I replied "No, can I burn your mustache?" My friend next to me died
yells_at_bugs ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 06:01:54 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I was tending bar one evening with a co-worker who I almost always work with. He and I give each other shit as much as possible. He has the bad habit of setting down bottles or rags or wine openers..pretty much everything..in places they don't belong and then freaks out when we are getting slammed and he can't find shit. I give him hell for this because it makes me crazy. This particular night, we were getting our asses handed to us and I am looking for something...bottle of liquor or some shit and I can't find it. I'm flipping out yelling for him to help me locate what I'm looking for. He calmly reaches over and picks up what I was searching for, looks me dead in the eyes and says..."If it was a dick you would have found it."
I had no words. I just high-fived him and we both bust out laughing.
TheSwagalicious ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 06:01:58 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
"I don't care that you broke your elbow"
xmoonstruckx ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 06:02:48 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Girl in my class said to my male friend "Wow, Friend, your chest is so big!" Proceeds to touch chest. "Oh nevermind, it's just air." Girl that sits across from her quickly replies "I could say the same about you."
Rbarber4141 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 06:03:15 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I'm high school we were playing basketball and my friend Chachi has spots all over his skin. Idk what it's called but he has it all over. Well anyways this one dumbass calls Chachi a dalmation and Chachi says "don't be mad i fucked your mom 101 times bitch" ahhh man everybody just died. It was so funny.
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 06:04:16 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Man: "You need a man to help you with that?"
Woman: "Yeah, maybe we should find one."
kaos_ ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 06:12:08 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
LOL! More like help me find a gun first so I can shoot myself.
alu_pahrata ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 06:04:45 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
There is this one prick at school who keeps fucking trying to pick in me. Like tripping me and shit. Here's the thing though, it became personal when he bent my glasses. This mother fucker was a junior on the football team, and I was a weak senior, this fucker could kick my ass in a fight so getting physical was not an option, so I decided to dig up as much dirt on him as I could. Background checks on his family, stalking his Facebook. Finding his Instagram which gave me his twitter (not used since 2014) and snap chat. Surprisingly the dirtbag had an ask.fm that hadn't be used in a year. During this all of this I find out that his dad is absent literally everywhere. I don't know why but I can't even find a name of his dad anywhere, I decided to use that as ammunition against him. He also liked to make fun of me, kept calling me a failure and whatnot.
Now here's the deal. The coach of that gym class knew that this dude had been picking on me for some time and decided to pull me aside, I told him it's fine, and that I can handle it.
A few weeks pass after I find my ammo, he keeps harassing me, the other people in gym class know this is happening, they want to report it to the counselors, but I tell them to hold off. I did not want it to end like this.
We were playing 30 yard fight one day, his team was on offense while mine was on defense. I was the designated rusher at the time.
He said something about me being a failure and I responded with "at least I have a dad, prick."
He didn't like that at all. The moment the qb called hike, he ran me over, I got back up though. It was like that for the next 3 plays. We lost that round.
After gym one of his friends pulled me aside and said to me that I crossed a line. I asked him why was it acceptable for him to push me around verbally but when I retaliated I was suddenly an asshole. Whatever he was going to reply with didn't come out of his mouth. He stopped and looked at me, I could sense shame in his voice. He asked how did I know, I told him that all I needed was a name, face, computer, 24 hours, and some motivation. And my motivation was my want for revenge. I promptly turned around and walked away. Blasting Carpenter Brut.
kaos_ ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 06:11:13 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Neo from The Matrix, folks. 2 more sequels to go. You simply won by walking away, too. Good on you.
alu_pahrata ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 14:14:15 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I can't tell if you are being sarcastic...
kaos_ ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 14:32:36 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I am but for real good on you
alu_pahrata ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:38:19 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)*
Honestly, I wasn't kidding about any of this. If you use the same username all across the internet, then it will come back to bite you. If you look up my username right now, many things, 2 of them are really important.
My twitter.
a fluffy booru account. (Finally figured out how to delete that thing)
Don't look up fluffy booru it's terrible.
however, with my twitter, it would have given you a name (4 people in the US have my name) and a face. Just because my Reddit username was the same as my twitter. A quick search on facebook later, and you know who I am, what school I go to, and who my parents are.
What I am saying here is that everything is connected in one way or another. You just need to know what steps to take. Here is what I want you to do. I want you to find out what my name is, and where I live. And I want you to PM it to me.
BOBBYTURKAL1NO ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 06:04:46 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Fire insult: Yo momma so fat she wears the astroid belt as her personal belt...
Savage comeback: My mom is dead
Chuck Norris level savage: Is that why she didn't move last night?
kaos_ ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 06:09:11 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
LOL literally dead. No good. Still awesome.
AgentFaulkner ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 06:04:56 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I have a friend who used to be "brony". We went to high school together and there was this girl in our math class who supposedly had a physically abusive boyfriend. Well my friend had a few my little pony patches of his backpack, and she made a snarky comment about it. My friend replied, "oh yeah, well at least my boyfriend doesn't beat me." To be fair, she was kinda awful.
secondnameIA ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 06:06:09 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Hope this isn't buried...
at the state fair a clown in a dunk tank was making fun of a younger meek-looking boy with braces. Saying he'd never get a girl and whatever would get the attention of nearby people. Instead of walking away the boy stood there and took it and you could tell he was starting to feel really sad.
After a minute or two the boy walks over to the cage and says just loud enough for people paying attention to hear:
"I know you try to egg people on but unlike you I have parents who care about my health. That's why I have braces. And unlike you my future isn't making fun of teenagers at a fair because that's all you're qualified to do. My choices in life will lead me to success and not whatever sorry mess you call your life. So have fun tearing people down because you're dead inside. It's not going to be me."
Edited for spelling
hamdude6 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 06:06:21 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
My 8 year-old old cousin and his father (my uncle) were having one of many verbal arguments. In this particular incident, my cousin told his father where he could shove it. His father, exasperated with his son's audacity, said "I would never talk to my father like that." My cousin replied, "I would never talk to your father like that either!" My uncle had to leave the room to keep from laughing.
kaos_ ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 06:07:59 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
100% young brute! Awesome. I am loving this thread.
Chewy_Vuitton ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 06:06:31 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
ITT: /r/thathappened
Not_Like_The_Movie ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 06:06:53 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
My friend since childhood refused to go to another one of our friend's wedding because said friend initially forgot to invite him. He was telling an old roommate about it, who agreed with me that he should go.
My friend is like "Well, it's X's wedding. I am just going to stay home, its not like there are going to be any hot girls there." His old roommate was like "Yeah, well there aren't going to be any hot women at your house either."
Tidlywank ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 06:07:24 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
"Lenny Small and Helen Keller could have a crack baby that Lenny gets to hold and it'd still be less retarded than what you just said."
Schaabalahba ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 06:07:49 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I play Poker every Saturday with a couple of co-workers. One of them is super into weight lifting. He isn't very smart either. If you get into a verbal disagreement with him and back him into a corner he starts spouting off his lifting numbers. He's very proud of the fact that his Dead Lift, Bench Press, and Squats total to a 1000 lbs. A week ago, he went all in on top two pair fairly early in the game. One of the better players in our group called him and got a flush on the river. Sir Lifts-A-Lot gets up from the table and says "This is fucking bullshit! This game sucks! I'm not playing Poker anymore! You all suck!" He very aggressively gathers all his belongings and storms toward the door. Before went out the door I shouted my proudest right-hook of a comeback line!
"Wait! We don't even know how much you lift yet!!"
He was so angry that when he slammed the door it popped back open, so he had to awkwardly come back and gingerly shut the door.
TychoBraheNose ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 06:08:10 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zFktLjdHjno&feature=youtu.be&t=44s
darexinfinity ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 06:08:37 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Seinfeld - The Comeback
hjai ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 06:08:40 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
A buddy of mine painted his mustang a bland white and I was ribbing him about it. He said, "Man, this is showtime paint!" I replied, "Yea, it's sho' time to paint yo' car!"
kriskringle19 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 06:08:47 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
An adopted kid in middleschool was fighting and th3 other guy ended it with "at least my parents loved me enough to keep me " .. ended. Done. Kid ran off sobbing.
boonies14 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 06:14:46 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
As a kid that was adopted, that would have been the green light to start swinging.
kriskringle19 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:50:47 on September 26, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Has anyone ever said or insinuated anything similar to you? I could imagine the visceral fury that could bring on...
boonies14 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:29:16 on September 26, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Never, as a kid I would have most likely snapped though. Now, I would laugh though because it was the greatest thing that could have happened to me
kriskringle19 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:22:40 on September 26, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Go on, if you're cool with sharing!
boonies14 ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 04:55:41 on September 27, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Ok, I was adopted by two "simple" people (as was my older sister who I am not blood related). I don't mean that as an insult, they are just plain, salt of the earth country folk. Neither of my parents have any education beyond high school. Both were school bus drivers, which isn't exactly a high paying job but I never wanted for anything. They coached all of our basketball teams as a youth and supported everything we did 100%. We grew up on a farm and worked hard like most people that are trying to get by in a rural setting. From the time we could understand what college was, our parents drilled into our heads that if we wanted to go to college we had to do it through scholarships because they simply didn't have the means to pay for college. Both my sister and I graduated valedictorians (both of us excelled in sports and other school activities, we weren't just nerds). We both graduated from college debt free and both started out making about as much as our parents combined. Looking back, the only way that was possible was the sacrifices our parents made for us. They taught us many great lessons that kids that have everything handed to them never learn. For example, my mother's brother is a veterinarian with piles of money. He raised three kids who never wanted for anything and took a long path to get through school (which he paid for) and one of his kids is still in college at 35. Why? Because they always knew they could fall back on daddy. Now, that's great that he has the ability to help them to the degree he did. But my sister and I always knew our parents didn't have the resources to be safety net. So when we left home for college, we know that from then on out everything was on us. Now, this all sounds like typical great parents that millions of kids have across the country, but what makes it so special for my sister and me is the alternative. Both of our biological moms were single teenage mothers. There is no way that we would be the people we are today without our adopted parents even with the worlds greatest teenaged single moms.
_Grayclown_ ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 06:10:15 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
"That's just like, your opinion, man" -The Dude
polskiepoutine ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 06:10:23 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
One of the most memorable burns occurred when I was bartending in university. There was a smoking hot chick up at the bar when it was crowded, and this one half drunk guy who was just relentlessly trying to pick her up.
When she had finally had it with his advances she turned around, made direct eye contact and yelled:
"do you remember your first blow job?"
The bar kinda went silent and people started paying more attention to their interaction.
Being a bit more nervous now that lots of people were focusing on him, with a shaky voice he responded with :
"uhh, yeah. I do"
Seizing the opportunity, the girl instantly came back with:
"did you spit, or swallow? "
The bar erupted in laughter, and the guy wallowed away, defeated. He certainly didn't try that again anytime soon.
JCSCHNEIDS ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 06:10:53 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Music director: Anna play that part a little uglier, think of yourself as inspiration
Anna: Am I really that ugly?
Music director: Oh honey you're the ugliest thing I've ever seen
5kyl3r ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 06:11:21 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
You'll never be half the man your mom is.
Meg_Buckle317 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 06:11:29 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Late to the game but, this was when I was in high school and had just gotten a boyfriend. I just blurted it out and was immediately horrified.
Dad: Do we need to have the sex talk? Me: I know dad! Don't be silly, wrap your willy. I got this!
kaos_ ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 06:15:10 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
How are your kids?
Meg_Buckle317 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 06:20:16 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I wasn't silly.
kaos_ ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 06:23:17 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
( อกยฐ อส อกยฐ)
HippyNebula ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 06:13:18 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Couple years ago I fucked up something at work (can't even remember what) and I had told my mother about it via text. She texted me back saying "Kids are like pancakes, the first one is always a fuck up"
ThePhenom19 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 06:13:33 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Roomate 1 had a bunch of people over late one night. Roomate 2 stormed out of his room drunk and pissed off. One guy, that I had never met, that wasn't aware that Roomate 2 lived here, talked some shit about him being so frantic and mad.
Roomate 2: What the fucks going on fam?
Guy: I ain't your fam!
Roomate 2: Exactly, so get the fuck out!
mp4l ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 06:13:59 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Late to the party, and don't have original post to link to but the redditor whose kid called then a Dinosaur Hammer.
BigDMcQ ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 06:14:40 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
My buddies took me out to the city for a stag party before I had my kid. When we had a bit to drink on the ride over and got out of the car and were hanging outside of the club collecting ourselves. This old guy in an electric wheelchair comes up and without saying anything honks a horn at us and is grumbling something rude. We backed up and my normally apologetic self turns to a buddy and says "Hey isnt it called a sidewalk?" as he rolls past me.
nicolasyodude ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 06:14:58 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
An old teacher from the grade before popped into our class where we were doing some worksheets on the topic we had just learned. He just came to say hi to his old class and then one of his less favourite students whose not the academically brightest yells out "I need help!" and the teacher replies "I specialize in science not life"
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 06:15:18 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
"Fuck you!"
"Fuck yourself, you'll get more pussy!"
Always my go to, from SLC: Punk!
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 06:17:10 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Couple of people and a friend were doing... activities at said friend's house. I didn't partake because I'm not about that. Don't recall what my friend said, but the dude responded, "What? Are you gonna get in trouble with your parents? Are they gonna come down from upstairs?" My friend's mom lives in another state, and his dad ran out on them when he was too young to care. Dude didn't know this. We all went silent, then died laughing because of how fucking savage we knew it was. Except for my friend. He didn't laugh, and was instead confused. (We thought he was offended, but it turned out he, for a SECOND, thought he still lived with his mom.) But we were like, "Damn, bro. That was savage AF!" Then explained to him why. He was like, "Oh, shit! Bro, I didn't know that! I'm sorry!" But we all laughed, including my friend. That joke had layers, and the guy didn't know it.
hit0k1ri ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 06:17:34 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I'm a bit late to the party but anyway.
My friends and I were in a hotel room drinking, and I was becoming a bit more obnoxious as the night went on. In my drunkiness I ended up knocking over and smashing my cup and one of the guys turned to me and yelled "That broken glass is a metaphor for your fucking life!" I didn't know how to respond.
yelnats87 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 06:17:39 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Your mother has two cunts, and one of them is you.
Flanyo ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 06:19:08 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Kid in highschool with me gained about 50 lbs and became chubby fat over 3 years and one kid he was heckling said: "Youre the spokesperson for the people suing McDonald's because they got fat."
DBZDOKKAN ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 06:19:18 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
nochin
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 06:19:40 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
[deleted]
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 06:23:22 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
[deleted]
Realitybytes_ ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 06:38:25 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
So does he.
Johnnyinthesun1 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 06:20:09 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I was attending a Bengals v Saints game...
Bengals fan: "come on ref! That was a questionable call!" Saints fan: "what's questionable is your players actions off the field Bengals fan: "yeah, call me when your city gets rebuilt"
1 year removed from the floods
theBuddhaofGaming ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 06:21:08 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I have a surname that is the unfortunate combination of a phallic slur and the material most commonly harvested from trees.
In high school this twat goblin who had just got dumped asked me if "my girlfriend had splinters yet?"
To which I replied, "yep, so does yours."
His response, "Jokes on you I don't have a girlfriend."
And without skipping a beat I retorted, "and now you know why."
paperconservation101 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 06:22:51 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Student a -pulling a fucking stupid face.
Me the teacher - your face will get stuck like that
Student b - I thought it already had.
peter_the_panda ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 06:23:34 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
"you're not pretty enough to be this stupid"
Horsepickles ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 06:25:47 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Out of a group of my gay friends two of them who are a couple are just the worst nasty people that enjoy treating others like crap. One of the two is far worse than the other. Let's call them Cole and Jordan, with Cole being the most evil of the two. One day a friend turns to Cole and says "you're the price everyone has to pay to have a friendship with Jordan."
so_conflicted ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 06:26:01 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I would kick you in the cunt, but I don't want to get my shoe dirty.
Z0MGbies ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 06:26:10 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
"If I wanted any lip from you, I would have jingled my zipper"
Heard/read that on an mmorpg once, thought it would be a common one but never heard it since.
Another one that Jimmy Carr says to hecklers who criticise his jokes is "look i don't tell YOU how to gargle a pair of testicles, so it's only fair you don't come to MY work and tell me how to tell jokes" (except with far better delivery)
Z0MGbies ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 06:26:10 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
"If I wanted any lip from you, I would have jingled my zipper"
Heard/read that on an mmorpg once, thought it would be a common one but never heard it since.
Another one that Jimmy Carr says to hecklers who criticise his jokes is "look i don't tell YOU how to gargle a pair of testicles, so it's only fair you don't come to MY work and tell me how to tell jokes" (except with far better delivery)
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 06:26:29 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
"Dan, you're such a cunt."
"You are what you eat."
whataquokka ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 06:26:43 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
"That's why I fucked your bitch you fat motherfucker."
So savage some say it got him killed. So savage it's unmatched; many have tried but nothing comes close.
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 08:56:03 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
He's only dead because some fat, disgusting, human couldn't work his dick like a man.
whataquokka ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:37:36 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
That's not really true, it's also quite mean. People do have redeeming qualities that aren't related to physical appearance.
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:48:20 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Yeah, in cartoons.
Aidernz ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 06:27:57 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
One of my dancing friends and I were having a chat and a jam session after class. Going over some moves and what-not getting reading for a competition that was coming up. One of the girls that attends the dance class as well, who's 10/10 stunning, wears a shit tonne of make up and the worlds strongest bitchy rest face you'll ever see. Her personality suits her face, too. So we tend to not talk to her much as she's always got a criticism about something.
Anyhow, we had just finished up on a practice dance when she and a few of her cliquey dance friends came in to use the (other half of the) room, when she approached us both and said "you guy needs to work on your presentation and performance more. I was falling asleep watching that. Nothing new or inspiring".
To which my mate, who really doesn't like her or has even spoken a word to her before, pipes up and says "you should try eating your makeup so you're beautiful on the inside"
My jaw dropped. Her friends were like "OOOoooooo woow!" We headed out of there pretty fast after that.
ImageNationAt3AM ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 06:28:09 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
My grandparents both dropped out of college and married to have my mother, but they did well for themselves, still a sore spot for my grandpa. So when my grandpa commented passive aggressively saying that he hopes both me and my brother make enough money following our passion because im going into the arts and my brothers a writer. She said, well you did quite well WITHOUT a degree didn't you dad?
He didn't talk much after that at the party
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 08:49:54 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
HILARIOUS!
...amirite?
ImageNationAt3AM ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 09:35:00 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Sat the time it was I was silent cause it was tense. Now I want to high five my mom and be like mom you straight savage
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 06:28:21 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
"Well the jerk store called and they're all out of you!"
Axewell_Stevens ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 06:28:30 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
In my highschool English class my teacher used to pick out a few kids and give them an extra hard time. He would tease them, give them nicknames and all around be kind of an ass.
One day he sent us to get books and said the last kid in had to tell a joke. The last kid to come in happened to be one of his "favorites" so when the kid walked in my teacher got this devious smile and said "Alright philly, looks like it's your turn to tell us a joke"
To which the kid replies "you" and then sits down in his desk and begins reading.
noseboops ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 06:28:54 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
person 1:"i thought we were friends" (said jokingly)
person 2: "really?"
KelseyNoir ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 06:29:17 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Eighth grade English class. We were reading "Tom Sawyer", and essentially there's a love interest that Tom has. Some terd that was basically the self proclaimed class clown who essentially would troll the feck out of this poor teacher, asks, "Did they, like, do it?" Teacher goes, "No Zac, they did not do it." "Well, I was doing it when I was like three." And my English teacher serves him straight up and says, "Yeah and you were alone."
Silence. Mic dropped. Never challenged the teacher again.
nealius ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 06:31:15 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
"If your face were on fire I'd stomp it out"
(Whose Line Is It Anyway?)
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 06:32:00 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Halloween. Buddy of mine and me are walking in a casino and a guy in wheelchair motors light speed right towards us forcing us to jump out of the way. He says "watch where you're fucking walking." My buddy says "nice Christopher Reeve costume."
thesemifunnyjedi ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 06:32:04 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
"Oh yeah? Well the Jerk Store called. They're running out of you."
GoddamnPelican ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 06:32:21 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
My friend telling some broad who was trying to break up his marriage. "I wouldn't even rape you." Beastly.
Indie_uk ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 06:32:47 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Passed from a friend on a football away day. There is a sniffer dog at one of the grounds he frequents, and it went crazy near some dude coming out of the train station heading to a game. The handler says "The dog says you've got drugs on you" the guy replies "You think I'm on drugs?! You're talking to a dog!". Cop waved him by.
Vaginal_Decimation ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 06:33:02 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
You look like you barely survived your abortion.
johnnyboy1111 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 06:34:00 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
In highschool there was this teacher in his thirties still living at home. One day he had some letters laying on his desk so a student asked 'Are those love letters?'. Which he instantly replied to with 'Yes, from you mother'.
IamactuallyBrocky ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 06:34:11 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Back in school I had someone in my class shout the word 'penis' kinda loud. Our teacher looks at him, and proceeds to shout his name,exceot he accidentally shouts back 'penis'. With the class silent and paying attention to him, the same kid instinctively says "got something on your mind sir?" For a kid in school it was easily the greatest comeback ever.
vicemagnet ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 06:34:30 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Thank you for raising my kids
ForgetDestiny ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 06:36:31 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Ok I'm a pretty heavy set guy and it doesn't bother me really. So one time I was at one of my girlfriends family gatherings and her older cousin brings his new girlfriend (We'll call her "G") and she's pretty and in very good shape but she is very flat chested and just seemed to have a bad attitude. So a few hours pass and I've had a couple beers and we are all sitting around telling jokes and laughing. So G try's to roast me and the conversation goes like this.
G: Hey looks like you might need to borrow a bra for those tits.
Me: I don't need one and by the looks of it neither do you.
She got so mad she left and never came back over and the one time I did see her at Christmas she wouldn't say a word to me.
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 08:32:32 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Dude, not only should you lose weight, you should probably stop being mean to girls.
AdrianBlake ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 06:36:36 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
"Have you ever noticed how people audibly exhale when you enter a room?"
BrainGrahanam ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 06:36:48 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Did not go through all comments, but find the "pieces of shit like you for breakfast" sequence in Happy Gilmore to be humorous and savage.
turnbulljs ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 06:36:52 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
We got new directory photos at work. Two of my colleagues had these smirky kind of smiles so a third sends an email saying "what are you numbskulls smirking at?"
One of them replies (all) "your receding hairline and our reflections in your gleaming scalp."
Seikon32 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 06:36:55 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Was playing boardgames and we were counting our points. Person A points out Person B counted wrong. Person B replies that they did not count wrong. Person A says, "Maybe if you stop trying to cheat, I'd believe you." Person B replies, "Maybe if you learn to count, you won't lose all the time."
justcapz ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 06:37:16 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Late to this thread, but when I was in high school I was late to my P.E class (all boys school) and the teacher called me out and said "why are you so late? Could you not put your skirt on?"
To which I replied "no sorry I forgot my skirt today, can I borrow yours?"
He then took me outside and told me off for being late, but commended my comeback and was let back in to class.
Felt like such a boss.
thebush007 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 06:37:36 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Super bitchy girl at my school made fun of my friend all the time and I got fed up.
Me: If you didn't have a foot, would you still wear a sock?
Her: No.
Me: Then why do you wear a bra?
She ran away and I didn't see her till 5th period. One of my greatest roasts.
Occams-Toothbrush ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 06:37:38 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I was at a bar drinking with some friends. One of them was getting the ice out of his mug with the drink straw. Pretty effectively too.
He saw me looking at what he was doing. He said, "It's the best technique, scoop it up along the side, one at a time. Watch and learn!"
I immediately told him "Yeah the old straw technique. I used to do that too. Until I evolved!"
vwv_volkSWAGon ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 06:37:59 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I'm pretty proud of this comment I made.
https://www.reddit.com/r/youtubehaiku/comments/4y2y3m/haiku_get_hyper/d6kxclf?context=3
zdeno721 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 06:40:37 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Late to the party buy my friend was having trouble with his parents in high school and one evening him and his mom got into a shouting match. She yells "do your friends call their mom a bitch!?" to which he replied "no but they call you one!"
IronicJeremyIrons ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 06:43:42 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
You couldn't pour piss out of a boot with the instructions written on the heel
hootie303 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 06:47:11 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I would agree with you but then we would both be wrong. -bill nye speaking to some fool (paraphrasing)
frankoftank ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 06:47:33 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Too late to the party but fuck it.
I had sprained my ankle and was on crutches. Thick girl in my class takes my crutches and says "Hey look I'm Frank herr der"
I said instantly without thinking "If I was that fat I'd kill myself."
Luckily she was a cool. her and everyone at the table had a good laugh.
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 06:47:36 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
My favorite is from Happy Gilmore:
Me Larson (huge scary guy)- "that's two thus far, Shooter."
Shooter- "oh, good, you can count"
Larson- "and YOU can count. On me waiting for you in the parking lot."
Then he kicks the shit out of him at the end. Goddamn I love that movie so much.
r00t1 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 06:48:05 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
NSFW wtf
ZacPensol ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 06:48:54 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I was in high school when Ken Jennings was having his marathon run on Jeopardy. My teacher and another student were talking about it and the student says, "I really like him, I've started watching Jeopardy just to see how he does." and the teacher replies, "Not me, I'd get sick of seeing the same guy every day.", to which I, across the room asked "Is that why you're not married?"
She was a fun teacher and we all teased her and her us, but that one made her have to leave the room for a second and I felt a bit bad.
ManQnian ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 06:50:45 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
"If you want my comeback you'll have to scrape it off your mother's teeth."
esach88 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 06:52:02 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Happened back in high school. Was my first serious GF. She didn't have any friends at my school as she was new but loved to shit on my friends a lot. She would say things like "you're friends are losers" "you could be popular if you dropped them" etc.
I always made an effort to hangout with her during lunch break as she'd be alone but I really missed playing soccer with my friends and thought just one day I will play with them. Oh she didn't like that! Started ribbing me about my friends and how they are big losers. I looked at her and just said. "you know? At least I have friends." and walked away to the field. She went in the building crying.
ZacPensol ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 06:52:22 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Went to a summer camp thing during high school that was a sort of college prep-camp type thing where students from all over the country (US) came. I befriended this guy who had been raised in Australia and he got no end of people asking about his accent.
One Asian kid comes up to him and says, "So you're from Australia? Have you ever wrestled a crocodile?". Without missing a beat, he replies "Have you ever wrestled a panda bear?".
Perhaps not the most savage, but the kid was kind of taken aback by it but at the same just conceded "Okay, fair point." and walked off.
Brian_Beast ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 06:52:57 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Guy #1: what No clever come back dick head?
Guy #2: if i wanted my comeback id wipe it off your mothers chin
Its just really fucking satisfying to say and its a nice safety net when you've got nothing better to say. You do have to hope they set themselves up for it though ๐
WAWDoing ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 07:02:31 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
The reverse of this move works too. I was laying into a coworker who has been known to be a bit slow with coming up with something quick. I didn't want this to continue but I wanted to win so I made one last jab, nothing too noteworthy, than I said, "And now I'm going to do you a favor and walk away so you don't look like a fool in front of everybody because you can't think of a comeback." I then walked away to cheers.
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 07:54:48 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
There were no cheers. Nobody would cheer for that. You've lied to us. Be ashamed.
WAWDoing ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 10:21:09 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
More clever than what I've seen you come up with in this post, just responding and can't think of anything else to add. If it wasn't for fat jokes and easy, popular targets like Trump, you'd have nothing to say. Those that's can do, that's that can't critique, but your bitch ass probably already knew that.
Now I'm going to do you a favor and walk away so you don't look like a fool in front of everybody should I actual try to come at you.
[deleted] ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 14:49:53 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
WTF? Were you born with a wire coat hanger sticking out of your ear?
Yonderen ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 06:53:07 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)*
Story time..
Story 1:
BS'ing with brothers.. Talking about some random vid on youtube, about a guy who'd trained a monkey to ride a dog like a horse, as a rodeo show.
Bro "Perfect job for Yonderen"
"Yeah, just need to teach you to ride the dog."
Story 2:
Old friend of my family in high school, was giving the school librarian his usual hassle.
She inquired whether he'd considered what he was going to do when he was done with school.
His response.. "I think I'll be a librarian."
BlueDragonGirl_ ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 06:53:52 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
My bitchy supervisor and I one day:
Bitch: "whiiine Everybody keeps asking if I'm okay or if I'm sick. I'm just not wearing makeup!"
Me: "Huh. Nobody ever asks me what's wrong if I don't wear makeup."
I got a lot of high fives from coworkers after that one.
WAWDoing ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 06:57:11 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
DBZ Abridged. When Trunks tries to stop Vegeta from taking on the Androids, admitting that he's his son. Vegeta ignores him and flies past him while saying, "Sorry, but I don't listen to bastards."
Middleman79 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 06:57:12 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
This one is quite good : https://i.imgur.com/Uee6KXC.jpg
CHEEZNNUGGETS ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 06:58:05 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
"..... And that's why people talk about you behind your back"
ElLetdown ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 06:58:40 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Once I was walking to my car with a friend, and I heard these kids arguing. The girl must have been ripping into this dude for several minutes, and I just walked by with the best timing ever. She finally finishes and you can clearly hear the guy respond "Is that why you sucked my dick though?"
Laughed for the better half of the car ride.
asshat75 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 07:00:56 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
My mum always used to criticise my and my brother about acne and stuff, it was really annoying and sorta ruined our confidence because of a "if she can notice then why not everyone else" mentality.
Once morning she said something and both me and my brother got mad at her. My mum then proceeded to call us "sensitive" To which I replied "Well you raised us, so I guess we learnt from the best". She then stormed out of the room, muttering something like "well you don't need to be so nasty". Yeah it was mean and stuff but its how ironic it was that she got upset from being called sensitive because she called US sensitive...
10after6 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 07:01:31 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
You can't call her a cunt. She has neither the warmth nor the depth.
hardtofindagoodname ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 07:06:13 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
When we were in college we used to have these little email flamewars between each other. Mostly inane banter about the current talk of the day that would eventually escalate into insults. There was a girl in our class who wasn't particularly attractive (read: ugly) and she had decided to glam herself up one day with some high-heeled leather boots that didn't quite suit her.
It was discussion topic of the day and one guy was continually commenting on her choice of dress-wear. The email exchange inevitably escalated as she (understandably) took offense and threw an insult to the guy in the heat of the moment. He responded: "Look, I never said you were ugly, I said your boots were ugly. But let's face it, if there were a Richter scale for ugliness, you would rate a devastating 9 and your boots would be unreadable by current technology'.
Still makes me wince to this day.
5ick ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 07:06:24 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Mexican guy at dinner yesterday: Honestly, I'm sorry, I thought Somalia was in Asia and not Africa.
Somalian friend without skipping a beat: Why are you saying sorry to me you should embarrassed at your educational system.
katherinerose89 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 07:06:41 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
For some reason my uncle was getting onto my cousin for misbehaving. He was about 5 at the time and threatened my uncle with "Well I'm gonna make you lazy!"
No idea where he got that from but my aunt replied back with "You're too late son."
PRNmeds ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 07:06:49 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Fat bullied kid at school to pimply faced popular kid who was being mean to him in front of all the other 'cool kids'.
"I may be fat but at least I'm not ugly. I can eat less, what the fuck can you do?"
Everyone turned on the 'popular kid' and gave him shit.
Trilli02ImBFD ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 07:07:48 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)*
My junior year math teacher and I hated each other. She was the kind of teacher who liked the popular students and liked the attention the football players gave her. She was not a teacher that would cross that line, but she was often inappropriate with students. (E.g. allowed us to get her off topic and get her talking about inappropriate subjects, mild flirting, letting students read her text messages). She had my sister in her class 3 years prior and hated her because she wasn't popular and my sister routinely called her out on her shit.
I'll admit that I was a shithead but some of the football players were way worse and she would let them say whatever they wanted in class. I wasn't all that popular with students but I was friends with several popular students and she actually told some of them they shouldn't be friends with me. She kicked me out of class for stupid petty things. Some of these dismissals were surely justified, others not so much. she once kicked me out of class after telling me I had to throw my water away, to which I stood up and counted 15 students that were also drinking water. She told me I still had to throw it away so I got up poured out the 32 ounce family guy subway cup in the garbage can . Went back to my desk and started putting my cup in my backpack. She yells "what are you doing? I told you to throw the cup away!" I said "it's a collectors cup..." She tells me to get out of her classroom.
Anyway, this teacher was going through a recent divorce and she often told us about her cheating husband and just a bunch of seemingly personal stuff about their relationship. She was very very bitter. One day while she was complaining about her husbands girlfriend (the same woman she caught him cheating with), a student told her that she needed to get a boyfriend and show her husband up. We pretty much all voiced our agreement, including myself. She says in her dumbass country accent, "well by golly, I'm still married I can't date other people" to which I immediately replied, "that didn't stop your husband."
Half the class laughed, the other half clapped their hands over their mouths with that "oh shit, did he really just say that" face. I said it without even thinking and immediately thought, "ahh shit I fucked up this time, she's kicking my ass out for sure and this is gonna be tough to explain." She looks at me stunned, face red and at a momentary loss for words. She starts laughing and just says, "wow I gotta give you that one, that was pretty funny."
Cac11027 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 07:08:54 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Back in 2010 i got a case of bell's palsy, well for the first couple of weeks i had to wear an eye patch so my eye wouldnt dry out and irritate the fuck out of me, then i progressed to sunglasses when i could some control back.
Well there was a guy who came to my register (I worked at lowes), threw his sawblades down and the rest of his shit like the cocky asshole he was. and i start ringing him up. About halfway through, he says does the sun hurt your eyes in here? (im in the lumber department at this time), "as a matter of fact it fucking does. i had a stroke (before i knew it was bells' palsy) about 2 months ago. So next time you want to open your mouth i suggest you dont."
He left with the most oh shit i fucked up look on his face.
TheGirlwThePinkHair ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 07:10:04 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
my first BF's mom was really weird and overbearing, like Very possibly had an Oedipus complex. Seriously creepy AF. Anyway, he was telling this big group of our friends about his first time (not with me), he says "What do you think was the first thing i said afterwards?" & he really took a couple beats, instead of just launching right into it. He knows me better than that shit, so my guess was "Mom, get off me!"
Everyone cracked up laughing, he was so annoyed. It never really went away, got brought up at least once a month.
helava ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 07:10:05 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
(My friend was watching my dog doing some random weird shit, and kind of mocking him.)
Him, lost in thought: "Do you think animals can tell when you're mocking them?"
Me, mimicking him: "I don't know. Do YOU think animals can tell when you're mocking them?"
Timing was perfect. Everyone else in the room died laughing, he missed it completely.
Teh-Monkey-Man ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 07:11:19 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Wish I wasn't so late with this XD... Back in college, I knew this kid who was all about cars, bikes, etc. His one pride and joy was his Ducati. He would post pictures of himself riding that thing ALL OVER social media.
One day we are messing around while taking a break from studying. Showing each other dumb pics we see posted on facebook and other places. He shows me this, NSFW and starts laughing.
I smile at him and say, "Damn dude! That must be your Dickati that you are so proud of!"
His face turns bright red. He then puts his phone and laptop away and gets back to studying
EDIT: a word
afallacy420 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 07:11:26 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
If I wanted cumback. Id ask for your moms toothbrush.
Blue_Three ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 07:11:41 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
http://i.imgur.com/YXDahhM.png
phobod3 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 07:13:16 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)*
Jimmy carr....
Heckler yells something out to him and this ice cold motherfucker says , "if you want my cum-back, you'll have to scrape it off your mom's teeth." Just fuckin savage, I still laugh hearing it for the 100th time.
https://youtu.be/vZpI4ILTlI8
Iamtheoneclinton ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 07:13:53 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Found this on twitter to be very brutal https://i.sli.mg/nE0vZ3.jpg
billygibbonsbeard ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 07:15:48 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Nuh Unh!
Tomotron ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 07:16:57 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
At work in the gulf. Obnoxious captain walks in and starts giving junior at the desk grief. Ex ranker major pops his head in and asks mister obnoxious to repeat himself; he "didn't quite get what was said". Mister obnoxious repeats himself with even more attitude, major walks in and asked captain to "say it again, still not getting it". Obnoxious is angrily telling his tale when major looks to the desk junior and asks "can you speak cunt? Because i don't have a clue what this chap is saying". Every single person stops and looks and notices obnoxious guy in flames. Obnoxious guy is then taken aside and comes back, apologises and never comes back.
pyroman09 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 07:17:33 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
"Why do you always expect the worst from me?"
"Because that's what you deliver."
My cousin snapping on her now ex-boyfriend. She has the sharpest tongue I've ever witnessed.
MoistnSquishy ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 07:21:01 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
"Your mother should of swallowed you."
salustri ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 07:21:06 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
More blistering comebacks per minute than I've ever heard. Also a great (Canadian) TV show: Letterkenny - https://youtu.be/9rSBmOgpcDE
Trapnjay ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 07:21:15 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I was eating in a waffle house once and two of the waitresses were chatting back and forth ,one waitress was saying how she was wearing a size 3 and after bouncing back after having a baby. She was kinda going on an on about her cute she thought she looked ,another waitress looks at her and says " a size 3 ? you need to gain some weight." the other waitress looks disgusted and asks "why?" to which the other one replied " So your ass can catch up with your head.''
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 07:23:14 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Don't tell me what to do, I don't come to your job and slap the dick out of your mouth..
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 07:23:34 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I heard that a guy at work had sex with a girl I had previously been involved with. I'd keep asking him if we're eskimo bros and eventually he pipes and and says "sure we are - we've both been inside your mom."
crushcastles23 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 07:24:48 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Guy in my high school's mom died in a fire when he was little. Not all that many people knew that. Guy was fucking with him and said he fucked his mom last night. Everyone who knew just shut up and watched them. Guy said "My mom is dead asshole." Bully replied "I knew she was pretty cold last night." Guy replied "she died in a fire." Bully came back with "I knew she was hot once, but not anymore." At which point the guy couldn't hold back his laughter and he fell back into his seat. They ended up being really good friends.
thrownaway1633 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 07:25:17 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Did you tell them about how you killed our baby Francine.
Aphex93 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 07:25:33 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Shitty kid when I was in 8th grade who had been held back a few times was disrupting class and just being a dick to our teacher. Teacher told him he better start paying attention because they don't have student parking in 8th grade. I witnessed a murder that day.
tbsampalightning ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 07:25:55 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
So a while back we got into the habit of anytime someone got burned we'd say "Got her/him!" We would also take the object of a sentence i.e. "pickles are good" and come back with something like "YOU'RE a pickle..." One of my roommates was notoriously single and as we were hanging out drinking, the trash talking ensued, someone yelled "got her" at a lesser burn, she says 'no sorry you "got" nobody' my brother in law looks her dead in the face and goes "YOU GOT NOBODY!" every one in that kitchen lost their shit, laughing our asses off
For a girl that never stops talking she shut up real quick.
punkdigerati ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 07:27:24 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Way too late, and my memory isn't the best, so here's the best I remember that I came up with.
A roommate was a complete slob, and among other things would never do his dishes. When I cooked I would often just do all the dishes in the sink when I did mine. We were outside with another roommate smoking cigarettes, and he said thanks for doing my dishes, in a sincere tone. I returned, in the same time, thanks for being a slob.
the_irrelevant_fox ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 07:27:25 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I delivered a pretty decent one to my ex girlfriend.
She was bitching and moaning about the fact I wouldn't let our imaginary future child win at board games (odd thing to argue about, but there you go) so I said:
'If they win, that's fine, but I'm not going to let them win. They should strive for perfection. Although, they can probably only ever be half perfect since they'll have your genes in there somewhere'
I thought it was great...her, not so much. Hitting ensued.
LanieLove9 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 07:27:55 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Growing up, my (bitchy, bitter) aunt always tried to put my older sister on a diet, since she was a little bit chunky. One day, my aunt caught her eating some cookies and she went off on my sister. She was saying things like how nobody was going to marry her if she was fat, and that nobody would like her if she had a few extra pounds on her. My sister just got up and said,
"How did you get the shit from your ass to come out of your mouth?"
I don't think I laughed harder in my entire life.
fatgirlstakingdumps ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 07:29:44 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
"If i wanted my own comeback i would have scraped it off your mums teeth" - Jimmy Carr responding to a heckler
TheGinofGan ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 07:29:46 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
"I speak for the trees...the trees say you a punk ass bitch"
Kellt_ ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 07:30:46 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Damm your taste is shit!
That's why I fuck your mom.
Whuishu ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 07:31:54 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
It's not super savage but it's relevant. I hated class presentations so when our geography class required everyone to give a presentation, I mostly kept my head down, reading the outline script I wrote. The teacher interrupted my presentation and asked "Whuishu, do you want to look at us and instead of your paper?" I said no and continued with my presentation.
INSPECTRE4 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 07:34:37 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I was living in Paris studying French once and was with a couple of friends in the library. One was this blonde American with a big ass that I used to mess around with. She was Christian so no penetration. We'd do all kinds of other things though.
And the other was an Olympic long distance runner from Mali. He was a really modest, unassuming guy.
Anyway, she says to him "why don't you run and buy us some drinks?"
I was flabbergasted. The way she spoke to him was the way you'd talk to a slave or servant.
I couldn't help myself.
"Why don't you run and get them. You look like you could use a bit more running around."
bearchyllz ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 07:36:29 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
We have a friend that is Honduran and we constantly bag on him, call him basically everything but Honduran, it gets him super pissed off. He catches a lot of shit in our town because he looks middle eastern and I'm in bum fuck Arkansas. Anyway.
He constantly compares himself to Batman, saying he could beat our asses (we're considerably bigger than him, my friend that said the burn played defensive lineman and boxed for many years, his grip could literally break my fucking hand. I did BJJ for about 4 years and have boxed my whole life. He scares us SO much.) keep in mind we do this out of love, we ALL roast each other, it's just our thing, he just gets butthurt. He speaks kinda broken English so I'll type the convo as it went.
Honduran friend- "Man, I tell you this. I could beat Bane ass in one second. I'm just like Batman but better, faster."
My other friend- blows out massive bong rip, doesn't miss a beat "Hey Batmanuel, why don't you go rustle us up some chimichangas I am starving. Andale, Pendejo!"
I spit my fucking beer all over his dog. He called us racist and left. But he came his butthurt ass back later. Fun times.
745631258978963214 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 07:39:17 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
In high school, my school's debate representative was doing a debate against another school regarding police states. My team wasn't really acknowledging the enemy's points. At one point, the enemy school said something along the lines of "I'm under the impression that you're not aware of what a police state is... Have you even read 1984?!"
To which our team rep replied, "You mean the fictional book written by George Orwell? Yeah, but we're debating facts here."
ncfears ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 07:39:23 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Playing a drinking game called Kings with some friends and one of the cards makes the group play never have I ever. One of the rounds our friend said, "Never have I ever broken my teeth." This was an obvious poke at our friend who broke is front two teeth playing basketball. Next turn was his and he responded with "Never have I ever had cancer." Went from throwing rocks to nuclear real fast.
ebone333 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 07:39:45 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Bartender here. One Friday night an elderly couple was staying unusually late and there was a younger couple across the bar kissing. The old lady yells at them to get a room, so the young guy yells back to get a nursing home. I've never heard the whole bar start laughing over one comeback it was awesome because she was giving everyone a hard time all night and nobody had the balls to say anything.
Spoon_Elemental ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 07:39:47 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
My sister told my to make the ugliest face I could imagine so I told her that I couldn't make her face.
papercutkid ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 07:40:11 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Bitchy college girl to a female friend of mine, after a disagreement on Facebook: "Have a nice life battling with your weight." It cut deep.
Primexes ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 07:40:19 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I saw a Facebook messenger conversation between an ex-boyfriend and the current one. I have been trying to find it... however the conversation went a little like this (paraphrased):
EX: yeah... how you like fucking that used up pussy
BF: Well, after about 2 inches it feel good as new.
EX: fuck!
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 07:40:49 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
"Why don't you cut your hairโฝ"
"Why don't you shave your assโฝ"
Hyunis ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 07:41:54 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Friend: DUDE, you STANK!
Me:Yo gurl's pussy stank
jonsnowknowssfa ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 07:42:44 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Since a few cricket ones are going through, let us not forget the infamous Rod Marsh vs Ian Botham. RM: how's your wife, and my kids going? IB: wife is fine. Kids are retarded.
FoolishSilvas ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 07:42:51 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
it was my Sophomore year and my chemistry teacher and a fellow student are getting into an argument..
Teacher: You know keep pullin this junk and you will end up no where in life
Student: i think i will be alright i'm just toughing through this damn class to get my credits
Teacher: you need to set your priorities in the right place otherwise you are gonna continue to be garbage.. who knows maybe you could be like me.
Student: HA be like you, a middle aged teacher still paying child support who we all know hates their life, what do you know, you are a god damn high school teacher
we all wanted to laugh but we knew that if he we did, we'd just break the teacher's soul far beyond repair, as for the kid, he packed his stuff and excused himself and laughed all the way out the door
TheSubtleSaiyan ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 07:44:02 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
"You have killed my love. You used to stir my imagination. Now you don't even stir my curiosity"
-The Picture of Dorian Gray by Oscar Wilde
techinept ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 07:44:16 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Happened against me in French class....I was giving the teacher shit and generally being hilarious, when the topic of convo comes round to the "Vulu Vous couche avec moi?" song.....so playing dumb I ask her (the teacher) what that line means, and she's like "Don't worry TechInept no one will ever say it to you" #Burn #Schooled@School
Barbar21 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 07:45:32 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Just saw this on here somewhere.... Angry girlfriend "Just so you know i faked it almost every time"... Savage boyfriend "what makes you think i was f&@king you for your benefit"
KingMob9 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 07:45:35 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
In Sandman #4. "I am hope".
Spins77 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 07:46:15 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
There was a very round obese teacher at my high school and he had a bit of an attitude. One day during a regular back and forth with a witty classmate the teacher claimed he could run intellectual circles around the student. The student replied, "I wish I could run circles around you."
itsmeurboyfriend ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 07:47:34 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Super late to the party, but...
a group of us were all hanging out while we were still in middle school. my friend (f) tells me (m): "oh, it looks like you got a little mustache coming in" and I reply with "I wish it was as good as yours." (we used to play those kissing games where you pass an ice cube around with your mouth while everyone was in the jacuzzi and she totally had some fuzz)
AlexzanderZone ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 07:47:54 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Douche: "what's up fatty?"
My Dad: "Haha. That's ok... It all turns to dick after midnight."
Up2Eleven ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 07:48:35 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)*
At a bar. Very stuck up woman being a bitch to bartender. I'm a couple stools away and nearby is a friend. Black, gay, dresses like a cowboy. We both know bartender and don't appreciate her cuntiness towards him. Gay cowboy friends sidles up to her and in his swishy, slightly lispy fashion asks her "Can I smell your pussy?"
I know the joke and what's about to happen...I'm already giggling.
She's shocked. "WHAT??? NO!!!"
Corner of his mouth twitches, an eyebrow raises, he looks her dead in the eye and says "Hmmm....then it must be your feet."
I think that holds the world record for number of drinks shot through noses simultaneously in one room.
Edit: accidentally a word.
DoanZERO ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 07:49:28 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I Remember a few friends and I crashing at one of our female friends houses after some party in highschool. We were all hung over so she made some Mexican-style food for us all to eat. It was really good at the time. She was like super white so my Latino buddy told her "This food is awesome, do you have a little mexican in you?". She said "Nope, I just make this all the time." and he said "Well you did last night!"... She apparently hadn't remembered that they slept together at the party...
mcclappurhandz ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 07:49:54 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Me and my best friend, who is known for his physical similarities to a giraffe, were in high school marching band and taking off our school shoes for our marching shoes in the band room with the rest of the band. At the time I was really short but had size 12ish feet making them look ridiculously large. One of the hotter girls noticed this. Girl: "Wow, your feet are really big." Me: "Well you know what they say about guys with big feet" Friend: "Actually, everyone knows that you only get one large thing. And sorry, but it looks like you choose your feet." Me: "and you choose your neck" The roar in the band room had never been louder.
internetmexican ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 07:50:20 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Some girl back in high school was kind of a dummy. I don't remember what she had said exactly, I just remember it was something silly like "Don't people in Mexico speak Mexican?" or something like that. Once she was corrected she was like "Oh man, I feel stupid"..The teacher looked at her and with a blank look just said "it's more than a feeling"
KaineZilla ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 07:54:09 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I pointed to some pads and tampons and asked my sister if she needed some, cuz she was being especially little-sistery. In response, she points to the condoms and said " do you need some on those? Oh that's right. You don't." In a completely monotone voice. Firstly, I had just broke up with my only girlfriend so far, and secondly, the woman on the other end of the aisle started DYING laughing, and I had no comeback. I just... hung my head and giggled because it was THAT good.
craznazn247 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 07:54:21 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
In our class, we do clinical cases and teams get called on, sometimes with "lightning round" type questions. Picture the medical team doing rounds in an episode of Scrubs, but in a classroom setting. We were going over the physiology of the cardiovascular system, and I was really tired that day and was chosen as the team representative. Answered a few questions confidently with ease, business as usual.
Then the professor goes off tangent and starts moving the topic along to the brain's role in the cardiovascular system. I'm still standing with the whole class paying attention to the discussion, the question, and my responses, and at one point he asks me what one major organ does not use glucose as its' primary energy source. I was already thinking ahead on the subject of the brain, so I stumble and I respond "the brain?". Without missing a beat, the professor responds "well, maybe your brain". Whole class erupts with laughter and I'm still standing, face completely flushed in embarrassment. To this day I'm still reminded by my classmates on how I completely set myself up to be destroyed in front of everyone.
For those that don't get the joke: The brain utilizes a significant portion of your body's total energy expenditure in the form of glucose, more by weight than any other organ.
TL;DR - My professor called me braindead in front of the whole class.
Stiorm ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 07:54:43 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Happens in my classroom
-"Hey, your parfume smells ugly AF ! 2 seconds of silence The other guy replies, "True, but still better than your mouth though" LMAO that day
ZAMBOOXAL ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 07:54:49 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Here's 2
If_You_Dont_Mind ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 07:55:39 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
A group of friends and I we're playing football during recess in junior high. This one kid, who was a die-hard fan of Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson, scored a touchdown. As a sort of taunt, he yells directly into the face of my friend, "Do you smellllll what the rock is cookin." Without even a second thought my friend responds, "Do you smell what your breath is cookin?"
adammostbeast ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 07:56:30 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
My 5 year old niece absolutely slayed one of my sisters friends one time,
Friend: "I'm so tired lately, I just sleep all day." Niece: "You don't need to sleep all day... You need to go to the gym..."
jcjcjcj ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 08:00:00 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Two of my friends when we were kids about 10 or 11 years old were arguing over one of the being told off by the others mother, convo went: Mike: can't believe your mum is such a bitch. Chris: you did break that greenhouse window. Mike: yeah but she didn't have to be such a fucking bitch about it. Chris: stop calling my mom a bitch. Mike: your mom is a bitch though. Chris: at least I have a mom. Mike: ..........(starts crying, runs off) Me: that was harsh.
Mikes mom had passed away when we were about 4.
ChangMai ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 08:01:16 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Preface: this was the 90's in the UK, when the word 'tight' was often used by teenagers to mean 'unfair'...
So this there's this overweight girl in class who's just a horrible person. Really sour to everyone, picked on the smaller guys knowing they wouldn't say or do anything back, just bullied who she could.
Anyway, in one class she's chatting to three guys near the back, and as i listen she's being quite scathing to a few of them, slamming their clothes for not wearing designer stuff etc.
The teacher hears the commotion and stops, and asks her what's going on. She outright lies, puts on a pouty face and says "Sir, they're being really tight to me!"
And one of the kids reply; "Everything's tight on you"
WhatHeSaidVO ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 08:02:05 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
At high school lunchroom, with friend whose mom is dead. Token Indian guy in my very small and very white high school comes up to the table and goes, "Hey Charlie, I fucked your mom last night." Charlie looks down at the table, and other friend Brooke next to him goes, "Dude. His mom is dead."
Indian guy goes, "Yeah, it took me forever to dig her up," and cruises off. Even Charlie had to laugh at the savagery.
TheSubtleSaiyan ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 08:02:38 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Danny Zuker's entire twitter spat with a certain candidate for president
guardianout ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 08:02:45 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
A friend of mine, who's a jewish felt offended by a girl from accountancy mentioning his nationality (a state of being, as my father was calling it) to which she commented something like "Abram, call me Russian - I wouldn't mind!"
Clipsterman ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 08:02:47 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I'm sitting in the cafeteria, eating some buns with butter with a couple of my friends. One of them points out that it's probably not the healthiest thing to eat:
Him: Don't you think you should have some more butter in your fat? Actually, don't you think you should have some more buns in you sugar?
Me: Don't you think you should have a little more mom in your whore?
rustyleftnut ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 08:04:32 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
My sister was 12 at the time and was starting to get sweaty armpits, but hadn't learned about the magic of deodorant yet. I shrugged it off because I didn't want to have some drawn out talk with her about puberty and figured someone would tell her eventually. At least a month passes where apparently nobody told her. One day, she comes into the room and asks "Hey, what should I wear today?" Seizing the opportunity to make the conversation as short and painless (for me) as possible, I said "Deodorant" and tossed her the stick I had just finished applying. She never gave it back.
skelucto ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 08:05:53 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I was on a high school trip where one guy (I'll call him Jim) and his girlfriend (who always called him brother) cut in front of me at the mess hall. Me: Hey, me and don were here first! Jim: you got about four seconds before I kick the shit out of you. Me: you see Donnie? That's what inbreds act like. GF: the fuck did you just say to us?! Me: nothing you jive bitch I was talkin to Donnie Jim: you need to learn how to talk to a lady! Me: you need to learn how to date outside the family.
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 08:06:54 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I remember a time when my friends and I were in a night club and this z-list celebrity turns up who happens to be wheelchair bound but this guy also has an attitude problem (newfound fame getting to his head).
On entering the club he ran over countless people's feet without acknowledging any wrongdoing while trying to chat to girl after girl. My friend decided to say something and an argument pursued which was getting out of hand.
My friend didn't want it to get violent and who could blame him. Anyway my friend ended it by saying "you know what, I'm going to be the bigger man and WALK away", god it was both shocking and hilarious as the guy was a total dick.
uncleseano ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 08:07:18 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
A young lad was having a fairly light argument with a member of the Irish Garda Equestrian Unit.
At the end he asked if the horse was a Male or Female, when the Garda responded that it was a female the young fella:
'Next time tell them to put the bollocks under the horse and legged it''
Mister08 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 08:07:32 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Waaaay back in Middle School, my school had an a la carte area in the cafeteria where you could buy extra snacks to go with lunch. One day, in which we were spending the whole day going class to class watching movies -- I grabbed a snack for myself, and a couple of friends who offered to pay me back.
In comes Daylan, now Daylan was about 300lbs; and mean as could be. He waddles on over to me and initiated a conversation that went a little something like this;
Him: "Holy shit fatass are you going to eat all that?!"
Me: "No, I'm sharing it because I don't want to end up looking like you"
Him: "Uhhh you already do"
Me: "Have you checked a mirror lately? I think you might be confused."
Him: "Yeah, and I saw YOU!"
Me: "(sigh).....That's a window you fucking dumbass!"
...He didn't seem to have much to say after that.
EmoBurrito2 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 08:07:42 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Middle-aged english teacher loses her keys one day.
Teacher: Oh no I've lost my keys. I should get one of those things that hangs from your neck.
Me: Life Alert?
Class erupts into laughter. I honestly didn't mean it in a mean way and she was one of my favorite teachers in high school!
BradOShizno ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 08:11:24 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I moved to a small town when I was a sophomore in high school. I met a girl who's parents were good friends of my grandparents, and I got to know them very well. She was the typical stuck up little bitch, but for some reason I found her attractive and asked her out. She says "Maybe if you lost a little weight."
Fast forward to my senior year. I'm 70 lbs lighter, I'm in great shape and her parents and I were still close as I did favors for them like house sit, mow the lawn and other things. Meanwhile in having a conversation with her dad one evening found out that she was also a bitch to her parents. He told me while drunk that he wanted to have a kid who was like me.
Health class, me and miss bitch are paired together and we're doing an exercise about rejecting advances of drugs and alcohol. And we have to get up in front of the class and do a small skit showing what we've learned. She turns around and talking loud enough so the whole class hears and says,
"Maybe you should just ask me out again and I'll say 'No'."
Without missing a beat I came back with.
"Maybe... but it must suck to know that your parents like me more than you."
The whole class who was doing the 'OOOOOOOO' thing when she said her comment were silent when I said mine, then one kid started to slow clap...
Ok.. maybe the slow clap thing didn't happen, but the rest did.
Wetwithwords33 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 08:13:01 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I worked at a cell repair place a few years back and there was an incredibly douchy egyptian kid that worked there. He thought he was gods gift to women everywhere and always did the douchiest shit to get their attention. Of course he got the attention of all the sluttiest girls at work, including one of my friends (she had a phase after she broke up with a terrible ex).
So im gay and everyone knew and nobody ever seemed to care too much. Of course that made some the girls get really interested, including the girls he had messed around with or still was.
So egyptian douch dislikes that im friends with his main girl and that the other girls started giving me some attention. He would always come up and say insulting shit to me when no one was around because hes a coward. One day i forgot i had eaten a really special browny and i smoked a couple bowls before work. It all kicked in at the wrong time, but it was okay because i was working really fast. The super didnt care if we smoked kn our breaks as long as these phones where getting cleaned fast (software). He came up and started calling me a dirty stoner druggy lazy mexican piece if shit etc.
It was the lazy part that made me mad, this kid always used an excuse to not work and would dump his work on the girls he was supposedly fucking "get your smelly arabic ass away from me and quit terrorizing me, you woman hating fuck." He was pissed that i said that but didnt leave but his face was red as hell "what are you about to blow up on me Sham? You camre to terrorize me and now youre blowing up? Typical fucking arab" His name was Esham, but everyone called him Sham. "Don't you have a fucking spill to go clean Shamwow? Go do your job you lazy fucker!"
He was pissed and went to go tell the supervisor on me. Turns out the supervisor heard everything and he basically said "yeah she burned you really damn hard hahaha go back to work." Lmao i was surprized at myself tbh but more at how hard the supervisor laughed at him.
GeniusMike ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 08:15:11 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
The setting: It was high school, end of the school year, classes were mostly over. One day the entire school just walks down to the local park for the day (small school, huge park, roughly 150 students at the time but the upper class had classes at the other campus in the morning, so only 100 or so at the park, but I digress). So everyone's there, teachers and students alike, just chilling out, playing sports, walking around and we had barbecue for lunch. Eventually a bunch of us decided to play (American) football and at some point the trash talk began. A kid on the opposing team who was rather chubby (important to the story) was taunting our team captain, who also happened to be the math teacher, Mr. B. So this kid is making general taunts both relating to the game and not related at all, and eventually Mr. B comes back with "Yeah, well that shirt makes it look like you're wearing a trash bag!" It actually did, as it was a bit big even on him and one of thosr ones that was black but looked like it had shorter sleeves over longer sleeves of a different color (if thst makes sense). Anyway, following Mr. B's remark, without missing a beat I tack on "Hefty! Hefty! Hefty!" and everyone burst out laughing, including Mr. B and the kid.
Griffskin ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 08:17:00 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
My mate said this in reply to something: "Your mum cried when she realised you weren't a stillbirth"
not-your-teacher ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 08:19:05 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I once read a great comeback from Frieda Kahlo when she was interviewed by a rude dude. He was like : "Frieda you almost look like a man". She replied with :"so do you.".
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 08:19:46 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
[deleted]
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 04:51:39 on September 19, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
[deleted]
Popeoffap ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 08:22:42 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Cavs coming back from a 3-1 deficit against a 73 win team in the NBA Finals
A_Twigs_Has_Appeared ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 08:24:25 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
"Want to see my dick?" "No, but wasn't it named after a company?" "What?" "Microsoft"
fuck_huffman ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 08:24:31 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I think this was on the TV show Cheers-
Guy: "I bet when you smile it light's up the room."
Girl: Gives him a big smile.
Guy: "Nope I was wrong", turns and walks away.
SanshaXII ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 08:24:40 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
"You're a dipshit."
"YOU'RE A HUNDRED DIPSHITS!"
1nsaneMfB ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 08:29:23 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I was at a LAN party recently, where guy A was ripping on guy B that his phone cost more than his PC.
Then guy C shows up :
"Wana know why his PC is worth less than his phone? His PC can't answer booty calls from your mom"
ActuallyNotANovelty ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 08:31:15 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
It's a bit past prime, but I said something once I think is worth mentioning, if not the best per se.
I was in a skype call with a few people, and one of the less intelligent friends of mine was doing a survey for a job he was applying for. He was reading off some of the questions he thought were funny, and eventually spoke up, saying "Y'know, on these things, you have to either pick 'Strongly Agree' or 'Strongly Disagree' for it to actually work."
After a couple seconds of confused silence, I said "I strongly disagree."
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 08:33:02 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Z
JohnTDell168 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 08:34:05 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I told my friend a joke once and he responded with a story about how a year ago tomorrow, his grandfather died from lung cancer after a lifetime of smoking. And the day before his grandfather died he made my friend promise never to smoke and so never in his life has my friend picked up a cigarette or any other type of drugs. And he finishes by saying, "And you know John I really feel like I missed out because that joke gave me cancer anyway."
morgazmo99 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 08:34:07 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I was on the receiving end.
Ordering food at an Indian joint from a cute chick, my mate asks for a Rogan Josh.
I say, "mate! I remember when you couldn't even spell Rogan Josh".
Quick as a whip he says "yeah, I remember when you used to date him".
List of burn centers etc..
charlie123411 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 08:36:22 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
"I've been called worse by better."
It puts an end to so many "banter" arguments.
robogo ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 08:36:57 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I rehashed an old one I heard a while ago. Short intro: met hot chick, had sex with hot chick, jot chick was turned on by fat guys, got 20kg, broke up with said chick, got a bit depressed, lost 23 kg, met chick (we went to the same college), hot chick gained some weight, hot chick thought we still friends.
Hot chick: hey babe, what's up, you look good, I see you lost a few pounds. Me (out of nowhere): yeah, I see you found them all.
In that split second I felt as if all mics dropped at the same time in my honor.
WilliamtheWeird ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 08:37:40 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
So this one kid in my English class was a real dick and at one point we were all roasting him and he turned into a huge bag of kosher salt and lashed out at us, to which my friend responded, "Listen dude, this isn't your father's dick, don't take it so hard." Maniacal laughter ensued.
Suicidalsquid ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 08:39:54 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
A girl with the surname Pickering was giving it to a boy with the surname of Taylor while catching a country bus home:
Girl: "What kind of name is Taylor, was it your ancestors were tailors that couldn't spell? Pretty shitty ancestors"
Boy: "I don't think a person named pick-a-ring should be talking about this"
bus erupts, girl gets off a stop early
HybridxReality ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 08:44:54 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
was playing Call of Duty: Black Ops during its release, waiting in the lobby. Two people arguing over something I can't remember. Might have been the previous game played. Guy 1 was with friends in same lobby and guy 2 was alone and sounded younger
GUY 1: "Man, shut up, go cry to your mom." GUY 2: "My mom's dead, actually." GUY 1: "Good, she probably killed herself because of you."
Friends of Guy 1 bust out laughing and they either leave shortly after or are taken to the opposite team. Guy 1 kind of mumbles something to himself like: "Yeah, that's.. that's nice... Making fun of my mom." And believe he shortly after disconnected.
It was fucked. It made me chuckle from how ridiculous it was, but dark when I think back to it.
beanboyfred ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 08:47:17 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
On a night out with friends in the UK, a drunk girl racially abused my friend. He immediately told her she looked like a shaved bear. She slapped him.
elushinz ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 08:48:29 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I was tending bar at the Ritz Carlton and a gentleman walked up with a 20$ bill. He slid in between two gentlemen and asked if I could make change. Without even looking up one of the guys said "that is change". It was fantastic.
Evostance ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 08:49:46 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I remember back in school, one of my friends had lost his mum in a car crash, dad had left them years ago.
He was off school for a while obviously and when he came back, he had just sold his mum's house as he now lived with his grandparents.
Most people knew what has happened, however our science teacher had been away and wasn't aware.
This kid has his feet up on the table and the teacher walks in, sees him and says
"Who do you think you are? What would your mother say if I walked into her house and put my feet up on her table? "
Kid:" You'd have to ask the owners"
Teacher "What did you say to me?"
Kid: "My mum is dead!"
The whole class erupted into awkward laughter at the teachers face. Never have I seen someone drain of color so fast
UninvitedGhost ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 08:51:05 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
"It looks to me, like you don't have much of a Slim Jim to slap into. Oooh yeah!"
metroidfan220 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 08:54:03 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
"Oh yeah, well your face is gross."
https://youtu.be/h232bilq8eQ
CaptAhabsMobyDick ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 08:54:07 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Happened just last Friday-
Guy who just bumped in to me at Bar: You think your tough?
Me Shouting: TOUGH ENOUGH TO FUCK YOUR DAD!!
I just felt like drinking that night, not fighting so I tried to think of the most outlandish thing to say. Everyone in the vicinity just kinda looked at the guy to see what was next, as he was at a loss for words. His friends asked me later what exactly I said, told them, and they thought it was actually pretty funny.
Bjupin123 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 08:54:55 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
"That's a nice onsie there...does it come in men's?"
"I think you've come in men enough for all of us there bud"
I love letterkenny
Mark_Nutt_supreme ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 08:59:24 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
best comeback ever
um_ ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 08:59:27 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
was watching the star wars battlefront trailer with a friend, we're outside a nice bar and these 3 girls sitting down asked if we're watching porn cos we looked so excited. (love star wars so much) I told her it's a star wars trailer, she then said, "Oh Star Wars is for nerds", friend looked at her and said, "and make up is for ugly people". her friend even laughed other one was huffing and puffing, whilst she had a look on her face like something just sank into her brain. I felt soooo happy.
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 09:01:15 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Worked in a kitchen, shitty little sous chef was getting hassled by the chef, a brusque older woman with a shaved head. She finished, and after a second he said "Have you ever, like, just listened to yourself talk?" with this super indignant expression.
She turned around and stared at him and said "Have you ever seen yourself talk?"
To which he paused and furrowed his brow and almost asked something.
Then she said "Because I will rearrange that little ratfuck face of yours until you're able to."
To this day I don't know how she came up with something in two and a half seconds that not only shut him up for the day, but silenced the rest of the kitchen for a good half hour.
darthyoshiboy ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 09:07:25 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I've heard that Kim Kardashian had a pretty good one once.
bbq_doritos ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 09:08:27 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Oh ya? Well that's why your moms in a wheel chair.
Pubsubforpresident ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 09:13:30 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Probably too late to the party, but I had a girl in Highschool tell me that I look like a girl(I'm a guy), and I fired back immediately,"you don't". I'm mic dropping was a thing then, that's all that could gave been added for savagery
BastiontheMighty ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 09:14:07 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
It was probably scripted this way, but the interview between Steven Hawking and John Oliver. It is probably the most entertaining thing I've seen in a while.
baevar ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 09:17:09 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Friend was being a tiny bit overbearing and unforgiving in teaching another guy the board game we were playing, expecting him to learn everything about a complicated game in one explanation. Then he got a little bitchy because the other guy wasn't paying enough attention. "Are you EVEN paying attention?" "Paying attention to your apparent estrogen spike." Tears.
Lucifuture ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 09:19:59 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
R: W has AIDS!
W: That means you do too R!
RHesketh ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 09:21:54 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
"I'll fuck your brother" Pause "AGAIN"
The look on the guys face led me to believe that he didn't know about the first time.
tjsr ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 09:24:02 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
TBH there's a frickin' awesome burn in the movie 'Go':
Simon, to Marcus, who's wearing a yellow jacket: "Have I told you how much I like that jacket?"
sturmhauke ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 09:25:36 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
"I fucked your mom last night." "My mom would throw your dumb ass through a window for trying."
Discoverypanel ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 09:26:26 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Alright. Two stories. I didn't witness either of them but have been told the stories repeatedly. First happened to my dad. He was talking to a vet (the guy had an American flag prosthetic leg). My dad was walking his route (mailman), and was wearing both of his knee braces and limping a little bit. After a little bit of joking between them, the vet says "man, looks like you've got some shitty legs." My dad just looks down at the vet's prosthetic leg, pauses a few seconds and says "I think I'd rather have mine than yours. Or lack thereof." Luckily the guy laughed his ass off at it. Second story is my friend was playing call of duty with two of his friends. One of the friends says to the other "dude. You are fucking trash at this game." He responds with "OH YEAH? WELL AT LEAST MY MOM'S NOT IN A FUCKING WHEELCHAIR!" Not really a smooth comeback, but I think the shock value made up for it.
VelociraptorPTT ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 09:27:59 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Can't remember how the whole roasting match started, but I have a friend who is fostered because his mum died when he was little.
Anyway he said "You belly is like 6 inch over you pants." and I responded "yeah, and your mum is 6ft under ground"
Otlot ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 09:33:31 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Happened to me at my college which is pretty close to a zoo. I was snap chatting before class in the class room (taking selfies with the front cam) when some big bitchy girl turns around and yells at me because she though I was taking pictures of her. FB: Can you stop taking pictures of me? Me: Oh no I'm not taking them of you. FB: Obviously you are, you're pointing the camera right at me asshole. Me: I'd just go down the street to the zoo if I really wanted to do that.
The whole room just went silent and she just looked at me then turned back around. Ever since she sits on the opposite side of the room.
oz5791 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 09:35:15 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
When I was in the army a bloke said to one of the officer's " When am I going to get my promotion, as if it's not soon I am going to sign off". The officer told him to come straight to the office then and he will get the sign off forms ready. He wasn't expecting that.
guest137848 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 09:39:36 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I had a m8 always giving me attitude , his wife has 2 lazy eyes. 1day hes saying to me i know your single and ugly but you might meet a woman with a 2 lazy eyes and she won't notice , i replied seems to be working for you. Almost ended up having a fight with him for it.
Zetsubou51 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 09:44:16 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Super late so super buried but, Professor Brothers quote, "You're the reason God doesn't talk to us anymore!"
jeffbr99 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 09:46:01 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
One of my class mates, who is overweight/built, is a wanna be hippy and go with the flow type of guy. He was complaining to a teacher, whist wearing his earings, that it is sexist and unfair that the girls in our school can wear stud earings but he can't. He was harping on about why they should be allowed to wear the earings when another class mate said that if he wants to wear earrings like the girls, he should also be expected to wear a bra like a girl as has bigger boobs than some girls!
Subgerbil ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 09:49:17 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Got to use this on a friend which I stole off reddit in the first place. "it's a joke not a dick, don't take it too hard." She wasn't best pleased
magic_theatre ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 09:52:41 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I was having an argument about the morality of selectively breeding humans with another student in the hallway of my high school. After a moment of particularly heated debate, the other student threw his hands in the air and loudly proclaimed "I'll say it, I support eugenics." At this moment our three hundred pound history teacher waddles by and without breaking her stride quips "It is a bit too late for you."
Njfurlong ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 09:58:30 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I had this employer (restaurant manager/owner,) who was a real show man type, would humiliate you infront of customers, he was a real man about town type. He was outside having a couple beers with a bunch of mates. I brought out a bag of takeaways that one of the men had ordered.
He spoke loudly in regards to me "No carry bag! Terrible service! Fucking joke" (none had been ordered by him obviously)
I responded as loud as clear as I could "yeah, the management freaking sucks in this place"
He shut right up, drowned out by the laughter of his mates..
Sooooooooooooo satisfying.
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 09:59:07 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
My brother, call him j, was in an argument during a pickup basketball game and one of the other players made a smart remark in regards to some shit talking j was doing... J's response,"if I wanted a come back I would have wiped it off your moms face"!! I immediately left and have not talked to my brother in 10 years.
TheDarkWave ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 09:59:43 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Buying flowers for the girlfriend's birthday, the cashier says "OOP! Someone's in trouble!"
"Well, the car accident fixed that, I'm headed to a funeral."
Gen3rik ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 10:10:53 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Two kids walk into class and one kid is talking unrelenting crap to the other. The teacher was not in the room yet so he stayed persistent.
When he's out of insults he says 'what, you ain't got no come backs?' To which the other kid replies 'if you want cum back, you can get it from your mom's chin'.
The class erupted in laughter and the teacher walked in which brought the ordeal to a halt.
SociallyUnstimulated ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 10:12:28 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Junior high, I think grade 8 but maybe 9, our fairly cool science teacher is asking for male volunteers to help with a 'special project' (read; unpaid manual labour that at least gets you out of the class). I put my hand up, and as I was sometimes a cocksure & mouthy young man my teacher thought it would be okay to bust my balls a bit. Mr.Teacher: "SociallyUnstimulated, this is physical work. You sure you're man enough to handle it?" Me: "I'm the manliest person in this room, except maybe 'Karen' over there"
I don't feel super great about it, but it was one of the best 'crowd responses' I've ever gotten. Damn good for a middle school crowd. But despite minor frictions through school, 'Karen' was, and to the best of my knowledge is, a nice girl who didn't deserve to be called out in front of the class like that in a battle of wits she wasn't party to. And of course I did not get to that class off to slack off and move a desk or two, but did get out, to go to the principals. And got to come back a bit extra for some detentions
CreatrixAnima ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 12:05:18 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
If I'd been Karen, I'd probably have said "I'll go move the thing for you."
1Daverham ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 10:19:51 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Once, a friend told a friend "I wish you felt better."
To be a smartass in quick response, she said, "I wish you smelt better."
lordsysop ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 10:22:19 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
My ex's 12yo sister once got me good... I was playing modern warfare i think and I did the whole "I've got the skills that pay the bills" without hesitation she's like "but you dont pay any bills".
electriccars ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 10:44:04 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Mine: http://www.reddit.com/r/askreddit/comments/1fiot6/_/caaphs1
Steffisews ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 10:44:14 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
My then @ 10 y/o daughter was going to this private school with a supposed advanced curriculum and mentally advanced students. We live in the US. One of the girls in her class showed up with a lot of makeup on one morning. The girl was asking the other girls how they liked the makeup job. My daughter says 'You look like a tart to me'. Daughter said the girl looks at her so strangely and says 'Why did you just call me a pastry?' Daughter is laughing, and it took a while before someone explained it to the girl wearing all the makeup.
Tungurbooty ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 13:52:52 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Can someone explain this to me?
Steffisews ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 11:03:28 on September 18, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Tart in British English means a young woman with loose morals or a prostitute. In the US that term is not so well known, but it is known, most usually in higher echelon places such as a private school where you find a more sophisticated population. So, by my daughter calling the girl a tart and having her not understand what it meant was humorous when she demanded to know why she'd been called a pastry; the common meaning in the US for tart.
neverp0st ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 10:48:00 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Told a girl I loved her. She said ditto. 13 year old me was shit on that day!
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 10:49:17 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I have german surname. I recall this time at primary school, after history class, learning about the 2nd world war. This polish guy (2nd generation immigrant) went around with a big smirk on his face, almost circling me at the lockers. When all of a sudden he asks me:
PG - You know what?
Me - No?
PG - You have the same surname as a nazist, hehe.
I get a stroke of genius and reply without a second of hesitation
Me - Oh Yeah, well you have the same surname as a cleaner.
Everyone around the lockers erupts into laughter.
weedful_things ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 10:51:35 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
The management team at my work has started doing daily walk throughs to discuss issues with machine operators. We just hired a new guy to take over the shipping department. He is constantly cracking the stupidest jokes. Yesterday he asked me if he should take over as my packager operator. I told him "What? This line has only just started running well. Why would I want that?" The other big wheels busted out laughing and he turned beet red. Then he tried to give me a fist bump and I grabbed his hand and said "paper beats rock. I win." I am hoping he stops with his dumb jokes.
2ndhandboatsail ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 10:52:05 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
You, my friend, were not born, your father ejaculated on the wall and the sunlight hatched you.
derfmai ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 11:00:13 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Three of my friends and myself were sitting at a bar taking turns telling jokes. One of my friends was born with his left arm missing just below the elbow so of course we called him Lefty.
When It's Lefty's turn to tell a joke he says: "How do you get a one armed pollock out of a tree?"
The rest of us groan, until I turn to him and say: "You're only allowed to tell that joke because you're Polish."
Everyone laughed like hell except for Lefty who punched me the arm. Never get punched by a one armed man. It felt like I got hit with a sledge.
Thisismyusername21 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 11:01:11 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I came into a team meeting at work at 7:30am one day. A coworker asked me how I was doing today, and I said "I'm good." Coworker replies with "well tell that to your face!"
ironmanmk42 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 11:02:46 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
When chastised for bad singing, Someone told Jessica Simpsons sister in some talent show that she uses auto tune and he doesn't... It was savage. Even Simon cowell cringed and lold at it
guitarsntrees92 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 11:31:34 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Lol, I remember that. Wasn't Ashley Simpson though, it was Demi Lovato.
steel_knux ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 11:03:44 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Super late but this had to be said:
When my younger sister was in middle school I went to pick her up one day and saw her sitting with a group of friends. A kid walked by and commented to something her friend said with "your mom." Her friend immediately turned and said "My mom died in Iraq, you're welcome."
MMOB ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 11:04:05 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I'm told I was the one who gave it but don't remember it:
at my mothers work after school and her boss, a mechanic, is working on a car while 6 yo me watched intently
Boss: See that there on the battery terminal? That's called corrosion, can you say core-rose-un?
Me: No, but i can say idiot.
I was an asshole child.
schilpr ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 11:07:01 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Waiter at a restaurant after I (grown man) ask for a straw "ahhh, the little girl wants a straw."
Immediate response "ahhh, little server expected a tip."
There was 12 of us at the table, I was paying, no tip.
dadams19 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 11:13:55 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
"Fuck up yer da sells avon"
fistmyliver ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 11:14:31 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
This isent so much a burn but a really witty comeback. I used to work at Costco and the store manager would park his big fancy Mercedes-Benz in the spots for the tire bay customers or just as close to the store as possible. The policy was we had to park at the back of the lot and leave ths spots for customers. Anyway there was a store meeting and on guy asked "why can store manager park wherever he wants but we have to park at the back" the store manager replied with "when you pay $100 000 for a car you can park at the front too" the employees response was "well i paid $50 000 for my truck so i guess i can park halfway?"
CreatrixAnima ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 11:48:56 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Your manager is an asshole.
fistmyliver ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 14:04:36 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Yeah i only worked there 3 weeks...but i dident like the guy from the start.
katyofthecanal ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 11:15:29 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I told my dad once I wanted to be a stand up comedian he responded with "sitting up, standing down, whatever, as long as you're not making money by laying on your back"
Thanks dad. I'm glad the only thing worse than being s comedian is being a prostitute and a shitty one a that who only offers missionary.
fuckincommunists ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 11:16:47 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
A guy I worked with was trying to describe something to me and I said I don't get it. He looks me right in the eyes and says that's not all you don't get in life... Like pussy, and respect!
I laughed so hard I started to tear up.
Wombat1886 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 11:18:37 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
A feminin politician said if she were married to Churchill, she would poison His Drink. Churchill responded, if she was his wife, he would Drink it.
PixelPete85 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 11:22:28 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
May your day be as pleasant as you are.
lead_follow_or_move ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 11:25:06 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Damn...wish I had caught this 17 hours ago.
My mom was confronted by the worst kind of misogynistic ass hole, a baptist preacher from Southern Kentucky. He told a joke:
Why do women have such small feet? So they can stand closer to the counter.
Without skipping a beat, my awesome Mama said: Hmm...do you know why women aren't so good at judging measurements?
Because men have been telling women that this (holds fingers two inches apart) B==D is six inches.
rpd051 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 11:25:17 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
"I'm trying to see things from your point of view, but I can't get my head that far up my ass"
the-infinite-juice ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 11:25:33 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I actually said this. Shaun:"makes moaning sound" me:"Don't make sounds you'll never hear" Shaun:"the only sound you'll ever hear is this","makes pig noises" me:"So that's what i have to expect from your mother" Shaun:"You're fat"
rnick467 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 11:40:36 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I worked in a retail store years ago, and my department manager was having an argument with the store general manager. The general manager told my boss "I'd fire you but you'd probably kill me then kill yourself." My boss came back with "You're half right."
keepitdownoptimist ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 11:44:34 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
"You need to let go."
"How would you feel if mom said that about you when you were on trial?"
(Person was arrested for armed robbery. Found not guilty.)
lamdersar ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 11:47:54 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
4 year old cousin was playing with Legos. Me: what chu building, Oscar? Oz: a king crab. Me: a king crab without its crown? Here. Hand him one yellow piece Oz: look of disgust One yellow piece? Really, man?
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 11:52:27 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I'm a Country Member!!
baldmathteacher ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 11:53:05 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Friend's math teacher in high school was a geek. One Friday he assigned 75 or 100 problems for homework. Just before he left the classroom, he teased his students: "Have fun this weekend...with your homework!" Friend's classmate replied, "Have fun this weekend...with your mom!" Teacher cried as he walked out.
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 11:59:05 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Really proud of this one. This one guy would always criticize whatever i said. I was chatting in class to my friends and made a joke.
He: Dude shut up and stop making the same joke. Its so overused.
Me: Still not as used as ur mother tho
and the people go erupt in laughter
runningfisk ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 11:59:30 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
When I was in 4th grade, I was given a gold chain bracelet with my initials engraved into it. She always called me by my first and middle initial, so I lived this gift.
One day in music class, this kid asked me if it came out of a bubble gum machine. I was a pretty shy kid, so I kept quiet. But immediately this other kid who I want even friends with said, "You got your brain out of a gumball machine."
I'm not sure why he spoke up for me, but it was great. It's stuck with me these 30+ years.
bergr01 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 11:59:45 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Do YouTube search for 'jimmy Carr hecker'
Nookanoob ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 12:01:53 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Guy I work with has depression but is known for constantly talking about it and relating anything to a reason to kill himself (in a sort of attention joke way). One day he was talking to the kinda quiet guys and as a joke said "oh shut up Jake I'll kill you" a pretty standard joke with those friends we all have a very abusive humour to each other. This was when Jake replied with "yeah well you couldn't even kill yourself so I'm not too worried" cue the deathly silence then non stop laughter
AlexT__ ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 12:12:10 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
A couple years ago in a big Skype chat fight with a friend, I'm short and he had just gotten dumped for context.
I don't know what I wrote before this but he sent:
"Wow, big words for such a small guy"
My other friend suggested I say:
"Why did you have such a short relationship for such a tall guy?"
He ended up threatening to brake my wrists.
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 12:15:18 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
A girl in school was mocking her friend for sharing a bed with another girl at a sleepover the 3 were at. The conversation went along the lines of:
Girl 1: "Haha, you slept with [girl 3]! You must be a lezzo!"
Girl 2: "Look, it's not my fault you wanted to join us so bad."
The classroom went dead silent before applause broke out.
Girl 1 now has a steady girlfriend, so there's that.
Seekyace ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 12:16:03 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Dealt this one myself, quite proud of it.
Once we were cleaning up after practice and this girl was standing around as I put away the equipment.
"Can't you be more useful and do it faster?"
"What about you? You can't even stand there and look pretty"
Got a few high fives but suffer her wrath from that day onwards. Worth it.
Novacryy ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 12:17:13 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Guy beside me was talking in class, teacher was kinda annoyed and asked.
" Is that anything interesting you're talking about right now? "
He obviously said " no"
Teacher replied: " yeah.. Thought so."
tjmtjm1 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 12:24:12 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Ok, true. Thank you. Privileged checked.
SagoHayward ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 12:24:40 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
My friend: "at least my mom cares about me" Me: "at least my dad cares about me" His dad escaped when he was born and never returned. And i knew it.
fuzzykneez ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 12:25:14 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Co-worker 1, a no-filter type, walks by Co-worker 2 and says, "I'm working this corner, not you," insinuating that Co-worker 2's skirt was on the short side. Without missing a beat, Co-worker 2 snaps, "You'd starve." and walks off. Best thing I've ever witnessed.
OneLineRoast ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 12:26:11 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Playing a basketball game and this 6'10 opponent is a salty huge shit and when I got into the game he said "Im gonna get you motherfucker" to which I replied "Doubt you could catch me while I fucked your mom". Favorite basketball rekt moment
tjmtjm1 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 12:27:31 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
You're right. Meant ethnic groups as opposed to race #partoftheproblem
Sh1tSta1ns ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 12:28:22 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Asked my male line manager if the shirt he was wearing comes in men's. His comeback was "no, but you do!".
Nancythinshins ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 12:29:26 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
During a pick up basketball game I was waiting for our team to play. A group of college guys were playing that we saw there regularly. One guy always wore a handkerchief but wasn't that day. I yelled "Where is your bandana?" He yelled back "At your mom's house!" I yell back to him after the laughter "That's good because my mom's a gay man!" Laughter everywhere ensues.
mrokb ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 12:38:08 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
We had a "Trouble Maker" in our class called Marvin, he was a really cool guy but had trouble at home etc so showed up a lot, was nice when you got him on his own. One day he turned up late for our technology lesson and the teacher wanted his diary to issue him a detention. A disagreement ensued resulting in Marvin asking the teacher to stop or he will say something the teacher wouldn't like... that thing was "Yeah, but your wife's dead" ... Teachers wife died of cancer about 3/4 months prior. Wasn't nice.
Pr0x1mo ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 12:40:23 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Probably to this, but a lot of this happened in books a million. There was this barista chick. She was actually kinda hot except she had snaggle teeth. She was thick, and she was a musician who played live acoustic songs so she was sort of snooty and thought highly of herself, always interrupted peoples conversations at work for attention and to throw herself into the mix.
One day my co-worker (who she didn't like) was talking to my manager about school so he says
him: Man i hate this fucking class
her: (walking by ease dropping) not as much as i hate your face
him: not as much as you hate your dentist.
There was another kid at work. Really tough kid who loved to fight. HE was by no means a sissy but he wore skinny jeans. I think he did this to provoke people to give him attention in a negative way to purposely chin check them so he had a line up of comebacks when someone commented on his skinny jeans.
Random: those pants are so gay
Him: i do it on purpose whats your excuse?
Random: those pants are so tight
Him: it was the biggest thing your mom could pull out of your dads closet when i left this morning.
RockyTopBruin ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 12:43:19 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I've got 2. One is my brother the other is a friend. Both happened when I was younger. 1) My brother was real moody and rebellious growing up, more than the standard adolescent, but damn was he sharp with this comeback. So, we were driving back from somewhere and my brother and I were probably 12 and 13. He's in shotgun and mom is driving while the two of them argue. I'm in the backseat just stifling laughter. At one point, mom says, "If you keep this up, you're going to wind up in hell" and without missing a single beat, my brother grew a regrettable pair of brass balls and said "Well, then save me a good fucking seat!" .... He walked the last mile back home. 2) unfortunately I can't remember the particulars surrounding this one, just the comeback. But, in high school, two friends of mine were having like a weeklong spat and were going at it again. One of them finally started to take the high road and not respond, but the other just kept laying into him. So the pestering one finally says, "What? no comeback?" To which my friend immediately fires back, "If you want my cum back, go suck it out your mother's cunt." I almost pissed myself and it actually ended their fight cause the other guy had to give him such props.
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 12:51:01 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
If I needed cum back, I'd get it off your mom's chin
monders337 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 12:51:19 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
"Your mother only pretends to love you" - one school kid to another.
Lougarry ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 12:52:35 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
AAAAND WHEN WE FACE OFF AT WRESTLEMAAAANIA, THE MADNESS IS GONNA RUN WILD ON YOUUU. OOOOHHHH YEEEAAAAAAHHHH!!
ReverseGusty ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 12:53:33 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Me and my twin sister:
Her: I'm older than you! Me: yeah well you're going to die first!
Koul-aid97 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 12:56:41 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
My friends in school dared me to do something way too risky to pull off. At my refusal, friend started calling me a pussy (he was an ugly, dorky kid). My response: Well, you are what you eat.
Constablegarden ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 12:58:32 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
At the checkout a lady with kids had invaded the less than ten items lane with a ridiculous load. There was a drunk behind her. Words were exchanged when she pulled out coupons then the drunk said, "they must be twins", woman stopped and asked why, he then said, "No one would have fucked you twice" I dropped my groceries.
maxximum_ride ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 12:58:57 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
One time my friends were arguing on Facebook. One of them is gay, and the other was riding on him about coming out of the closet. Gay friend says maybe he should come out if he likes talking about it so much. Other friend makes some weird retort. Gay friend replies "How's Narnia?". Busted my ass laughing so hard at that one that I use it to this day.
ekobeko ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 13:00:39 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Someone on Reddit asked this question and I remember this one in particular:
A dude was playing vidyas and someone said on voice chat "Why does your breath smell like my dick?" and the other guy instantly replied "Because I've been eating out your sister"
Grumpy_Fap ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 13:01:56 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
This one came from me.
I was playing Soccer against this old bloke, could hardly chase the ball. I said "Your hairline drops back faster than you do".
We lost 3-1, so he had the last laugh.
ImLying2ulol ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 13:02:58 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
There's a video online of two high school girls arguing, they keep yelling insults at each other in the hall, and then one of the girls says "you're fucking your step brother!" And they start to throw hands after everyone starts ohhing
VictorTrusov ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 13:05:51 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
You want my comeback, ask your mum.
dcrowle ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 13:09:32 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Cricket is a slow fucking sport. Don't get me wrong, I love it, but it takes too long. One of the best past times, especially as Aussies is thinking up shit to say to put the other player, usually the batsman, off. This one always gets me as one of the best, even though an Aussie was on the receiving end...
One of the all time great bowlers, Glenn McGrath was getting frustrated at being unable to dismiss little known Zimbabwean cricketer Eddo Brandes.
McGrath: โWhy are you so fat?โ
Brandes ย โBecause every time I fuck your wife, she gives me a biscuit.โ
The funny thing is, several years later, his wife died of cancer...
paulpow67 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 13:10:12 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I was a senior in high school and it was valentine's day. One of my friends notices one of teachers has a lot of valentine's day card on his desk. The teacher was also a coach for us for football.
My friend ask "Hey coach, I see you got a lot of valentine's cards."
Teacher replies "Yeah, tell your momma I say thanks."
The class explodes with laughter and my friend gets sad and sits in the back of the room.
Ethanextinction ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 13:12:01 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
There was a guy that I used to work with in a call center. He was a supervisor of the other employees that had a physical disability. These were our VIP agents. The most common was blindness. He himself was blind.
His story was that one time in the 80's or early 90's, he was robbed. When he refused to give up his wallet, someone shot him in the face with a shotgun. He didn't have a lot of scars or anything due to this but he lost his sight and somehow survived .
Fast forward to about 3 years ago. I was part of the internal helpdesk and they set us a row over from the "VIP" agents so that if their JAWS application broke we could run over and fix it.
I heard him coaching one of his agents. He said "I don't know why you don't know how to troubleshoot a router. You have been doing this for years. You have done this a million times."
I heard another one of the VIP agents say "Just like how you had two blue eyes before?"
The supervisor said "what?"
The VIP agents said "You know, like how one of your eyes blew to the left and the other blew to the right?"
They all started laughing.
That was the sickest burn I had ever heard. It is so fucked up in every way and it just still gets me how the WHOLE team just started laughing including the supervisor that was shot in the face.
Blind people have a hell of a sense of humor.
danivus ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 13:12:30 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I don't want to toot my own horn but...
I was once dragging this cabinet on wheels across the floor and work, and the office bitch chimes in "You're supposed to walk dogs, not cabinets!"
To which I replied "Why, you wanna go for a walk?"
Fitzdaddykane ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 13:13:14 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
"That's why daddy named you joe dirt instead of Nunamaker"
qizqiz ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 13:28:40 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
i was sitting by the bar reading and minding my own business. two elder guys walks in, buys drinks and finds a table. then one of them approaches me.
"hi honey, are you bored?" "no, i'm fine, thanks."
he returns to his table, but after a while he approaches me again.
"hi honey, are you bored?" (wow, that line worked so well, why not use it again) "no! i'm just fine, thanks."
the third time he approaches me with the exact same frase i replied
"well, actually you are starting to bore me now."
thought he was going to explode. he fetched his buddy and left without a word.
edit: grammar
zadoon ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 13:34:58 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Yeah? Well I had sex with your wife!
cross-joint-lover ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 13:36:57 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I feel like there should be / is a subreddit where people come up with the most savage, clever or funny comebacks to given situations.
I_Ace_English ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 13:42:25 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
At the end of speech class, we were doing a roast and toast. my friend and I started roasting the guy behind me, who was part of the Army Reserves. When he did his last speech, whenever a picture of him came up he would say something like "Who's that handsome guy?"
I asked him "What is heavier to carry, the backpack of rocks in boot camp or your ego?"
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 13:52:59 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
To my brothers old friend Him; so man what have you been doing lately? Me; nothing much man same old, same old. Me; what about you? Still jumping in shallow pools? When we were younger I always remembered this guy for breaking his neck trying to dive in an above ground pool.
bleeder_extrodinare ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 13:53:20 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I'm late to the party but I wanted to share the best comeback I've ever received. To understand the full extent of this sick burn I need to explain that I have Hemophilia which is a bleeding disorder.
I don't recall what my friend and I were arguing about but I was winning so my friend quipped back with "Well at least my blood clots properly!"
I was stunned for a few moments before we all busted out laughing. Even now one of our friends will bring it up occasionally as in I can't believe you said that.
TrollJack ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 14:06:40 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Puh... if i needed a comeback I'd wipe it off your chin...
12648-01 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 14:10:15 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
http://i.imgur.com/j6mpIVs.webp
nomecks ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 14:15:55 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Somethingawful ran an article about crazy women who miscarried and made blogs (with photos!) about their miscarriages. One of them decided to email and show their disgust:
The reply was expected, but still savage:
http://www.somethingawful.com/news/were-all-gonna/
maddithughes ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 14:20:32 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Little bro idolizes older bro. We were shopping together and little bro follows big bro around lookong at the shirts he looks at, tries on the shoes he tries, etc. Eventually older bro goes "stop following me around, you're like a fly on shit!" with out missing a beat lil bro goes "I'd rather be the fly." and walks away
iamexplodinggod ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 14:20:59 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
My roommate in college was standing outside one of the school buildings smoking a cigarette. Some snide ass kid says, as he walks by with his friends, "smoking is bad for your health" and begins snickering. My roommate, without missing a bit, replies "so is running your mouth."
Straus7945 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 14:21:21 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
This post reminded me of this.. http://i.imgur.com/JO1AM5n.jpg
Crintaroma ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 14:22:59 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
In high school art .a big girl who thought she was the funniest thing on planet earth kept cracking shitty jokes and smug remarks. Then she said " I'm so funny right .? I'm like one of the three stooges! Which one would I be ?
I turned to her and simply said . "Well by the size of you all three."
She started crying slowly.
Dawidko1200 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 14:23:15 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
"A Stone Crow's axe is always sharp, and Shagga's axes are sharpest of all. Once I cut off a man's head, but he did not know it until he tried to brush his hair. Then it fell off." "Is that why you never brush yours?" The Stone Crows roared and stamped their feet, Shagga hooting loudest of all.
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 14:24:18 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I had a Friend (call him Rob) that could be really annoying when he tried to. One day we were hanging out with a couple of other people and he starts being a dick to our fat friend (call him Bob).
Then the fat friend proceeds to say "That's why your dad doesn't love you."
Rob: "My dad left me when I was young" he says trying to make Bob feel bad.
Bob: "If I was him, I too would have left you."
He isn't that annoying anymore
heartlessguardian ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 14:24:58 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I actually want to chime in here. Around my local group of friends, I have a reputation for savage comebacks. I was speaking with a friend of mine, throwing verbal jabs back and forth, when his response was that he was invisible. My retort? "Only in the eyes of every woman you've ever loved." I felt bad for days.
spartan117au ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 14:27:12 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
nochin
How_To_Smoke_A_Pot ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 14:51:02 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
M
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 14:51:39 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
This whole thread has sick burns
SmellThisMilk ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 14:53:22 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I was working in a movie theater in a mall in the downtown of a large city. We got all kinds of people who only came in to use the bathroom. Normally, we wouldn't care, but we had just gone through a summer of numerous people using the bathrooms as a place to shoot up and actually had some ODs, so we changed the policy and turned away all non-customers.
One day, I'm at the door and this lady with a huge backpack, a clearly broken foot and a ferret on her back walks up to me and tries to use the bathroom. I tell her its customers only, and she tells me I can go fuck myself and goes in. I call my boss over and he waits patiently for her to come out. He asks if she is alright before telling her that the bathrooms are for customers only and he will call security the next time she does that.
Her response: "Oh yeah, well I'll make sure to make your mom scream that out when I'm butt fucking her tonight in the bedroom above her garage where you sleep, you tubby piece of shit."
Raksso ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:00:53 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
If i wanted a comeback i would wipe it off your mothers face.
Soulren ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:06:09 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
"No u"
goofball_jones ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:06:27 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Kim Kardashian?
Tonnot98 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:07:11 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
"When you were born, god looked upon you and said, 'This is my plague upon the earth.'"
PAxlFitz ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:08:19 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I can't tie my shoes but I can fuck your bitch
ChumChumz ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:09:34 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Chunky kid tripped a fell into a trash can, my teacher instantly bantered "are you that hungry?"
Golden-Sun ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:09:54 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Roommate was giving the new flatmate shit for hanging around with his male friend all the time. This guy is pretty chill and hadn't really said much about anyone since he moved in. So she was insinuating he was gay making stupid jokes etc. Unfortunately she forgot he knew her relationship with her BF was pretty shitty. So after a while he turned, looked her in the eye and said "at least we have a stable relationship". I never OOOH Shited so fucking hard in my life.
neenos ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:12:35 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Roommate in college came home very late and we said to him" where the hell have you been?"....he replied " who are you? My wife?"
Draiko ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:17:29 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)*
"Your mother's deaf"
"My mother's dead, you little twerp."
"I guess that's why she didn't move around a lot"
Such an underrated movie.
Cobbius ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:20:12 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
My buddy has a cleft chin. One day at baseball practice I said "Shawn I like your butt chin." Without missing a beat he says "I like your mom's chin with my balls on it."
Chikotey ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:20:57 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
It happened back in high school. We were all at a buddies house playing poker. One of our friends had just beaten cancer (well almost) and he was talking shit about my girlfriend at the time and then he looks toward my chips and says, "hey looks like those big blinds are killing you" to which I said, "oh, really...you know what's killing you......cancer."
Wish that was the last joke, but then the next time we play he goes right back at it, "looks like you're low on your chips" to which I respond, "looks like you're a little low on white blood cells"
Not my proudest moments
novonn ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:23:38 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Conversation in Taco Bell between my friend, who was a senior in high school, and a random guy.
Friend: Enjoy your taco 12 pack!
Guy: Thanks! Enjoy middle school!
Friend: I'm a senior!
Guy: Yeah, a senior in middle school!
All while walking out, never breaking stride.
Thumperkat ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:25:41 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
During the "what are those?" Phase. I work with kids and one of my second graders did the whole "what are thoooooosee?" Thing to another who swiftly responded, "kicks you can't afford."
Kids are savage.
martinarcand1 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:31:08 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
At the grocery store, daughter of some lady wanted to carry all the bags outside saying she was "strong"
Lady says: "Odor's not a quality dear"
IniquitousPride ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:41:48 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
New to company. Find out boss is silly and has many guys friends who will roast each other, all light hearted and fun. I want to fit in but am uncomfortable b/c idk what is appropriate and I am new. Manager jokingly kept asking me if I thought other employee was an asshole, he repeated it like five or six times so finally I said to both of them "you are what you eat."
spyd3rr ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:43:00 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Back in high school, I had a friend who was permanently handicapped and in a wheelchair. One day there was this presentation and someone was standing instead of sitting down in his chair, blocking my friend's view.
My friend got pretty annoyed after the dude didn't sit down for a long time and eventually got fed up and said "hey, how about you sit down?"
The guy turns around, clearly angry, takes a look at my wheelchair friend, and goes "fool how about you STAND UP??"
Damn that was cold.
Aiox123 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:43:14 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
This has become my favorite sub
whatidontliek ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:43:35 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Some guy called me a bad ugly bitch (I'm male). I said:
"Okay. As a bad ugly bitch I wouldn't even want to date you!"
LordDVanity ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:44:34 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I'll stop sucking dick when you start fucking bitches.
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:48:32 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I was talking to my friend about an ex-girlfriend that I wanted to get back in touch with the hopes of another romantic entanglement, and he just said "Why don't you just take her to a museum since you like bringing up the past so much."
Edit: Grammar
OhSheGlows ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:59:02 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
A friend of mine told a girl at a bar that she smelled like "a dirty turtle tank" and she slapped him. From what I understood, she was just very full of herself and then on top of that said something rude to my friend.
mc_mackdaddy ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:00:25 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
In my health class, this girl sitting behind me kept talking shit about me. It was always stupid stuff about how I talk too much or how my jokes suck or whatever. So one day we were doing a group project and we had to put our names on a piece of paper and so I wrote my name and then drew the Nirvana logo. When my health teacher pulled my name he asked me why I drew the Nirvana logo I pointed to the girl behind me and said "Because she makes me want to pull a Kurt Cobain." The room was silent. My teacher didn't even get mad he just moved on.
guerillamiller ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:01:36 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
THAT Clinton tweet "@realdonaldtrump thinks democrats care about his opinion, how does it feel putting your stuff where it doesn't belong?"
His reply;
"Ask bill"
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:02:12 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
(this is all in an group conversation on instagram)
super religious girl is being an asshole to one of my friends. They're going back and forth for a little while, just arguing, w/e
religious girl says that my friend is going to go to hell because he's a product of prostitution
i told her she had "better turn to david because there's no way jesus saves an asshole like you"
Ability345 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:03:24 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
On way to Iowa State Fair
Sister: -and there's this big Cow made of butter"
Me: I'm looking at it
OhSheGlows ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:03:35 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
The wrong abortion tho lol
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:05:39 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
"The Jerkstore called... They're running out of you!"
ooo-ooo-oooyea ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:05:51 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I was walking my corgi, and on our route we were stuck in between two black dogs that we barking at eachother. So we navigate through that, the corgi is pissed.... woof woof woof. We get out of that, and this weird guy with a mustache and pink shorts start screaming at me "YOU NEED TO GET YOUR DOG TRAINING, I'm calling the police".... corgi starts barking at him, and I scream "SHE IS TRAINED TO BARK AT ASSHOLES"... got pinky to shut up
Stickle_Pickle ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:08:43 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I overheard this girl complaining to this guy around 10 at night outside the gas station. She was upset about something and it was something like, "I'm so tired of this (or you)" and he responds, "then go to sleep bitch!" and proceeded to walk into the store without her. I was like, oh, snap.
powerbrows ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:13:55 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Late to the party, but here it goes... I was going to visit my mom and my younger brother and some of his friends were there hanging out in the garage. He has one friend in particular that loves saying horrible shit a just to get a rise out of people and he was present. My daughter was 2 at the time, and that fucker said, "Hey, tell daughter that I'm sorry for not calling her back after last night." The room fell pretty quiet probably due to the implication of this guy fucking a baby, but I immediately responded with "My daughter told me she was getting some baby dick, I just never thought it'd be attached to a grown-ass man" Laughter erupted and this dude just hung his head down knowin he had no other option than to absorb the burn he'd been dealt. I see him every now and then and he always calls that the greatest comeback he's ever heard.
effieokay ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:14:01 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I told my 2.5 year-old that we couldn't have cookies after we brushed out teeth for bed.
My husband goes "Mama's boring" because way to back me up on stuff, Dad.
Kid goes "I know" all matter of factly.
Trainwreck071302 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:25:39 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I've heard variations of it before plenty of places but hearing it actually used in a very public arguement, the whole bar was like "god damn".....Anyway, this guy arguing with his ex (I, and the whole bar, know it was his ex because it was mentioned during their fight) she was in the process of calling his date every word she could think of for a loose woman so he called her something and she made the mistake of repeating it back in a mocking voice. He fired back "if I wanted my own come back I'd have wiped it off you fucking face." That girl turned bright red and just sort of stammered a minute before the predicable crying and storming out yelling "You're a fucking asshole" yadda yadda. It was pretty funny to watch. College town drama at it's finest.
LlamaLauncherPlays ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:27:06 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
My friend heard his crush call him a pussy through a mutual friend. He confronted her about it and then she said it again to his face. His only response was "you are what you eat ;)"
MotherfuckinInfidel ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:28:24 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
For any drunken peasants fans who probably aren't kicking around in here. "Put your money where your mouth is" -- said by a guy with no teeth. "Put some teeth where your mouth is"-- retort from a show host.
KevinTheSeaPickle ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:28:56 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Overheard it at an arguement at a gas station. Person 1: Hey you wanna learn how to drive?! Person 2: Whatever man. Person 1: I was mid turn and you almost hit me you asshole! I didn't think they let retards drive! Person 2: Thats what you get for thinking when the smartest part of you dripped down your mother's leg. This man, I envy his quip.
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:30:20 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
[deleted]
SamHunny ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 08:03:57 on September 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
No parent should believe a kid kicked in the dick would be jumping on the bed.
TroaX ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:43:46 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Knew a friend of mine who was dating someone who cheated on him multiple times for about 3 years. Anyway eventually he found out and as she was getting her shit out of his house she brought her new gf. (Oh yeah she was first cheating on him with a dude but then started cheating with a girl.) Anyway back on track so after she's done she decides to try to talk to him, up until this point he'd not said a word. She proceeded to try and attack his manhood you know how girls go your tiny he or she does it better than you. Well they get into it and her gf jumps in. He tells them both to leave and his ex goes. "Don't worry about him baby he just mad cause you do it so much better than him. " and he snaps back at her with "Bitch the only thing good about her came out of fucking plastic container." and then slammed the door.
coffeedude7 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:58:54 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
There's two I made up during online video games:
1) You're the worst mistake your parents ever made.
2) The only redeeming quality you have is that someday you will die.
Superclocked_Studios ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:01:30 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
My friends and I were hanging out and one of our friends (we'll call him James) lives with his mom (who has leukemia) and siblings. We were all hanging out at James house alone and James keeps bugging my good friend (we'll call him Aiden) about him being fat. This keeps going on until Aiden snaps and says calmly "My family may be fat but at least I have a dad and a mom who doesn't have leukemia" and James just said well played
dro8746 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:08:40 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Ea
DarthAlexander9 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:17:27 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Maybe not the most savage but it blew me away as a kid:
"Fuck you, you cock-eyed cunt!"
That was my mom and she said that to another woman she was arguing with.
imraven ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:19:51 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
At the movie theater trying to buy tickets to a sold out movie. After the kiosk said it was sold out I fairly loudly said: "fuck". Some teenagers near me said: "you can't talk like that, this is a public area". So i said "your mom's a public area" and walked away to their dumbfounded looks.
mysticdickstick ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:21:25 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
ITT: A bunch of people not knowing wtf a comeback is.
bluepilledasfuck ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:32:19 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I like pancakes.
lan_brolo ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:42:21 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
just read Donald Trump's twitter he's a dank savage
RenaKunisaki ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:48:06 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
"If you want my comeback, you'll have to scrape it off your mom's chin."
Fastball48 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:56:14 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Young guy at bar with a father and daughter.
Guy says to father "Sir, your daughter is so hot, I wouldn't hesitate for a second to have sex with her"
Father says to guy "Bring me your mom and I'll make you one just like her."
connexionwithal ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:25:05 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
"You want your comeback? You'll have to scrape it off your mother's teeth" (cum back)
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:51:37 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Your repost is bad and you should feel bad.
realnatgeo ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:57:18 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Jerk store
joshually ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:11:41 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Probably Merriam-Webster Dictionary's twitter account after that guy went on that lame rant about the word "mad"... they gave no Fs whatsoever
geofflechef ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:12:07 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I was with a group of co workers slash friends out drinking, well it comes up I'm autistic (high functioning and I try and hide it well) any who, some guy I didn't particularly care for pipes up "wow, you don't look retarded" to which I responded "funny, you don't look stupid"
yusrasyedahmed ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 20:00:48 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
not the best out there but the best i've got, this is me and some girl in middle school
her: talking shit about me
me: oh yeah? thats what you think
her: uh-huh
me: well thinking clearly aint something youre good at
Again, not even that savage, but it was the most savage thing I think i've ever said, I was so proud of myself for the hype I caused that day
maxpower2389 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 20:00:50 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I still think of this every time i see my cousin and hope she forgot it by now since it was roughly 15 years ago. She only met her father a couple of times by the time we were 11 years old and it was a touchy subject, but she still threw stones from her glass house. My parents had just gotten divorced so she did the obvious thing that 11 year olds do and made fun of it. So as calmly as possible so she knew it was cold and calculated and that I wouldn't have a sorry bone in my body after the shit she just pulled, I told her that if our dads had one thing in common its that they're both none of her business. We didn't talk about the divorce after that.
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 20:30:18 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
One day, a kid in my 4th period was being a cunt and making racist jokes. He said:"Why don't you go jump in a furnace and die?", to which I responded:"At least I have a choice. Your grandparents were forced." (His family is Jewish.)
Eterrossy ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 20:34:34 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
That guy on another Reddit thread who when asked "Aren't you a bit too old to play video games?" by an old guy, he replied "Aren't you a bit too old to be alive?". Again, not me but savage AF.
Recoveryattempt ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 20:37:30 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Thats not what your mother said
IdrissaKing ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 20:52:14 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Kid with the squeaky voice spoke up in class, cover teacher said, "did someone let a mouse in here?"
vice84 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 21:02:19 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
The Jerk store called. They're running out of you.
PascaleBarbossa ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 21:22:28 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I can't find the screenshots of this but once on twitter a girl just wrote something like:
"hey feminists, if nipples aren't sexual organs and you want show them then why don't you show your assholes too? those are not sexual organs..."
And a girl just responded "Women don't feed children with their assholes but apparently your mother did since all that comes out of your mouth is shit"
I screamed.
katybee13 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 21:57:28 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
"You have the brain of a 4 year old boy and I bet he was glad to get rid of it." - Groucho Marx
bread93096 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 22:24:04 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
A friend of mine with an absentee father was making fun of a closer friend of mine for being adopted. My friend was obviously offended, but too timid to tell him to stop. Eventually I got sick of listening and said, "at least he found two parents who actually love and want him, unlike you, you fatherless piece of shit."
kekokek ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 22:27:44 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
This was actually 3 weeks ago and it's my own comeback.
There's a friend, let's call him Bob. Bob and I never really got along, he used to bully me growing up but slowly stopped, however he never apologized. Bob is friends with some of my friends, so when I heard Bob was moving I decided to come along and say bye. The first thing he says to me when he see's me is, "Hey x, still eating dogs?" (Because I'm Korean). I laugh and respond, "No, but I fucked yours". He laughed because he thought it was funny because it didn't make much sense.
2 days later after he moved about 5 states away, he found out I've been fucking his older sister for the past 3 weeks while she's been back from college. How did he find out? I told all my friends and told them to each personally message him the same exact story. Cya l8r Bob, I'll miss your sister's pussy.
intern_not_slave ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 22:42:22 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Me and my boy are inline at McDonald's and it's a long ass wait. Out of nowhere this chick comes in, sees her friend who's ahead of us, and cuts the entire line.
My boy, having none of this, politely reminds her that there's a line. She gets all cutesy, flirty, and fuck what not. She ends up saying something along the lines of "yeah, I'm pretty so I should be able to skip you ugly losers."
This niqqa, without missing a beat, says "maybe ten pounds ago."
Gargatua13013 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 23:33:26 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
If I wanted my comeback I'd wipe it off your Moms face.
Ehmerican ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:52:16 on September 18, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
h
Sourkrautnj ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:12:41 on September 18, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
:)
tigburt ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:27:10 on September 18, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
This one time I went over to a dominatrixes loft-we had met through my ex girlfriends roommates friends--I brought 2bottles of wine and she had a 1.5 liter of some Carlo Rossi--she got super hammered I barely got any wine (m.d. Phillips petite Petit was one of them). She makes me watch hustle and flow cuz she says I remind her of the white dude making beats. Long story short I make a move while the second film, house of a thousand corpses is playing in the background. I knew I had to make a move so I kissed her, she ends up getting on the floor so hesitate and then decide I'm gonna straddle her....she says something to me like "do you think you can fuck me" or something-I didn't know what to do so I got off her and she sits up laughing maniacally. She downs the last glass of wine and throws the glass behind her, shattering somewhere on the floor behind us. For the next until I passed out, I sat on the couch humiliated while a barefoot naked dominatrix sung "like a virgin" to me; dancing somewhere in the darkness. There's more details, like weed and toilets and you know; normal stuff but suffice to say I've never been humiliated like this before..I think
TaylorS1986 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:48:03 on September 18, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
When the British PM Benjamin Disraeli was heckled in Parliament for being a Jew he responded thus:
OUCH
Insomniacrobat ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:22:25 on September 18, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I once told my high school math teacher that I wished I could grow a mustache like hers.
tophOCMC ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 04:56:09 on September 18, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I'm super late but hopefully some one gets this.
I'm talking with a friend and his nine year old, explaining the benefits of being raised in a split house hold. A child of divorce. I list off two of everything Christmas, birthdays, weekends away from home and I get to thanksgiving. It should be noted that I'm getting older and the weight is starting to show from my poor diet.
Little Shit and ME
ME: so yeah it's cool, I even got two thanksgivings growing up.
LS:Two thanksgivings?! That explains that! (Gestures at my belly)
ME: Fuck you.
I said fuck you to a nine year old in front of his dad and we all had a good laugh about it because the kid wrecked me. I finished my bottle of jack that night. And a couple burgers.
mani_tapori ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:08:47 on September 18, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Ok, so I'm late but here's a classic one from Cricket.
One of the all time great bowlers, Glen McGrath was getting frustrated at being unable to dismiss little known Zimbabwean cricketer Eddo Brandes.
McGrath: โWhy are you so fat?โ
Brandes โBecause every time I fuck your wife, she gives me a biscuit.โ
BM-NBwofh9bP6byRerCg ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 23:12:13 on September 18, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
There was a jerky little Short Man Syndrome cook in my army unit. He ended up with a gullet full of drugs one night (first time) and end up in bed with another soldier (probably first time). They got caught.
When the news got out he tried to kill himself and ended up on a pych ward for a few months.
He returned to the unit. One morning we were in the chow line and my buddy Lorne wanted a bigger serving of scrambled eggs. The cook gets all power-trippy and making bizarre threats.
Lorne: "What are you going to do? Kill yourself on my eggs?"
The chow line went quiet.
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:36:22 on September 20, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
https://twitter.com/pi4nobl4ck/status/775127444386902017
Carpe_Caelum ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 06:25:04 on September 20, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Was outside a game store a while back talking about how an older kid was cheating and taunting kids and forcing them to quit with a group of friends. The older kid happened to be there and was laughing and playing it off like it was funny. Then one of the half dozen or so friends there goes: "Why do you have to be such an asshole?" Older kid: "That's a bit harsh, they shouldn't play if they can't take it. It's just who I am." Friend there (who works at, and was fresh off the job from, Pizza Hut) says with a straight face: "We've got an oven for that points at Pizza Hut" Older kid was Jewish. Rest of us took one laugh and cringed. Older kid walked off crying. Pizza Hut friend didn't realize what he did until right then. It was an offhanded work joke to the wrong person. Still savage as hell.
Maladjester ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:09:21 on September 20, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Guy: You're just angry because you have to bleed from your vagina. Girl: You're gonna be bleeding from your vagina in a minute...
jbr2343 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 23:09:02 on September 20, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
So I grew up on a dairy and before I could drive I would haul hay during the summers and cut wood in the winter to pay for my first pickup. One day the guy i was working for (Jr in highschool, I was a freshman), Looked over at me in the passenger seat counting money after i had just been paid from the milking cows. He said "Damn man, how'd you get all that money, suckin' dick?" Without missing a beat, I replied "Naah... squeezin' titty." Needless to say all three of us lost it right there.
darkusdude327 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 23:53:16 on November 11, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I was on a discord server talking to my friends about something, and out of nowhere, this other guy who goes to the same school as my friends sorta hijacks the conversation. Admittedly the conversation was in the public chat, so he really didn't do anything to warrant my savage burn.
The conversation was about this character, and I was telling them about how he is the secret Dad of the protagonist. And then he chimes in saying something like, "I wish I had a secret dad." And then it hits me. This guy is adopted. Without missing a beat I type "Your entire family is a secret", then immediately gained a level on our server. I still feel like kind of an asshole, but the reactions were priceless. :)
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 23:24:02 on September 16, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
If you want my comeback, get it off your moms face.
Bezelkk ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:45:07 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
When I was 14 (now 18). I was having a heated arguement with my friend. Then mid conversation - I asked him this
Me: How would you feel if i fucked your mom?
friend: I wouldn't care
Me: You don't care if your mom gets raped? what a shitty son
friend: Not really - We would be even
[deleted] ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 17:13:53 on September 16, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
"Your mom!"
NotCausarius ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:30:28 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
you're*
kinjinsan ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 04:15:12 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I know you are but what am I?
spaceflora ยท -1 points ยท Posted at 20:11:10 on September 16, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I've told this one before, and I'm still irritated that I couldn't enjoy it in the moment.
Some of my mom's scrapbooking friends (about 50% of which I hate) were over at her house for a get together, and when I arrived there I found my mother wearing a scrapbooking shirt that had graffiti style lettering and wearing a large gold necklace. So I, of course, promptly informed my very white, grey haired mother that she looked like a gangster. My mother objected good naturedly, my sister agreed with me, and one of my mother's friends goes:
"See, this is why I don't have children and only have cats. They don't talk back to me. They just go 'meow meow meow feed me! meow meow meow pet me!'"
And I didn't even think about it. I just immediately said: "Meow meow meow you look like a gangster!"
It was only several days later when I got to thinking about it that I realized how much her comments pissed me off.
Volfie ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 21:49:05 on September 16, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
This one: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bGH2Hzqo0Hk
Blockwork_Orange ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 22:38:05 on September 16, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
He's useless. He's absolutely useless. He's as useless as a marzipan dildo
jeff_the_nurse ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:07:40 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Nancy Pelosi asked Ted Cruz why he wanted to defund Obamacare. His reply: Unlike you, I actually read it.
BOOM.
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:43:32 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Whenever someone accuses me of farting i say, "Nah, thats just some asshole talking shit behind my back."
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:54:22 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Me, today:
C: Oh damn my pencil's dull
Me: Just use a pen
Me: this is actually just a commercial for SharpieTM
C: My life is a commercial
Me: For an abortion clinic
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 04:15:57 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
A guy I knew got a blowjob at a party from a girl. He walks out of the room fixing his clothes and says, "Jesus Christ, Carrie, You'd think with as many times as you've done that you'd be better at it."
StrangerToEarth ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 04:51:37 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
"I hope you outlive your children."
ejstopk ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 04:52:52 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
In middle school a girl told me that the way that I dress you wouldn't think that my family was well off. I quickly responded the way you look you wouldn't think your mom was the lunch lady.
Her mom was the lunch lady.
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 04:54:42 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Friend : "8chan is the worst part of the internet"
Me: "No that would be Clintons Twitter." (He is a huge pro Clinton )
Conspiracycat1 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 04:55:56 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Guy: You are gay
Me: I'm straighter then the pole you dance on
Note: I have nothing against LGBTs it just was this guy kept annoying me
tall_fat ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 04:59:33 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
eats shrimps ravenously him - the ocean called, they are out of shrimps all laughs me - the jerk store called, they are out of you no laughs
parker_buchanan ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:08:05 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Girl in highschool was talking to my English teacher. He was a cool guy and acted like he cared about girls problems when they sat around his desk and gossiped.
Well one day the girl says something along these lines: "I don't like going to the beach with my boyfriend right now because he doesn't have any abs, but I found this one guy that has a 6 pack and we go to the beach sometimes and he's so hot. He's kinda not as nice to me but I'm thinking of dumping my bf for him."
Teacher says the most amazing comeback I've heard. Well coming from a teacher.
"You know they got a name for girls like you. Starts with S ends with lut"
Everyone that heard was clapping at my teacher.
Fuck that girl.
PhlyingBisKit ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:08:49 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I think this was a post on reddit a while ago but when the French and the British were at war with each other a British general said that "you French fight for money while we fight for honor" and in turn French general said that "we all fight for what we lack the most" pretty Savage haha I can't find the post tho
sarcastroll ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:12:09 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Let's test that theory by telling it to our loving wives this evening. As we're settling into bed, after an evening spent enjoying our totally real adult relationship, we'll express that opinion.
I will express it to my wife and mother of my children.
You, on the other hand, will have no one to express it to. Because you are alone and unloved by anyone. Not because they are overly sensitive, but because you are a repulsive human being that no one can fathom spending their life with.
Sweet dreams!
BassLineBums ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:16:11 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Man 1: "Well the Jerk store called. They're running out of you." Man 2: "What's the difference? You're their all time best seller."
rSkogey ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:22:45 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
One of the fattest kids in my school asked (about money) during world history class "Is 100 Pounds considered a lot?", and i replied "Well you've got like 500, do the math."
The teacher had to leave the room.
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:26:43 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
The atomic bombings of Hiroshima and Nagasaki
Lordballzonia ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:29:29 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
A total cunt of a girl (who had attempted suicide by pills) slapped me in the face for no reason in high school. I told her "pills are for pussies, use a gun next time cunt". There was utter silence. Total victory.
saiensu ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:45:40 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Guy: Im still waiting on your comeback
Jimmy Carr: well if you want my come back you'll have to wipe it off your mums face.
Pulp_Ficti0n ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 06:18:16 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Playing soccer last summer with some friends. My one friend was playing well below average, and he usually isn't that bad. He was on our team. We were getting our asses kicked. At point I yelled across the field, "We should start calling you Messy, with a Y."
SkankBeard ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 14:25:18 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
"you need to wash that nasty ass breath out of your mouth"
"that reminds me, tell your mom vagisil exists"
dont know why, but I thought that was hilarious
callmetmrw ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 14:28:03 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Any time someone repeats back what you say, simply reply:
If I wanted my own comeback I would have wiped if off your _____(mom,gf,sister, anything that will offend them)'s chin.
ZanrosTheWizard ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 14:37:39 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
My friend was fucking around in gym class once and the teacher said "Adam! There's no I in team!" To which he replied "No but there's a U in cunt". You can guess what happened next.
carpeggio ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:49:12 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Friend say to my suitemate , "Dang, man that was pretty stupid." After they get caught with alcohol. He replies with, "Yea, well you are short." Friend says back, "I can buy a booster seat, or tall shoes. Good luck getting a new brain." I called 911, burn unit.
rawbface ยท -2 points ยท Posted at 18:21:55 on September 16, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
"the Jerk Store called, they're running out of you!"
LordFunkenstein ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 18:56:30 on September 16, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Well I had sex with your wife!
Bill_Parker ยท -4 points ยท Posted at 20:11:11 on September 16, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Q: lol... You can't tie your shoes?
A: I can't tie my shoes but I can fuck your bitch.
THUG LIFE!!
one_pump_dave ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 07:19:01 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
You must not be around funny people
Frapplo ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 12:30:39 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Or he's around the hardest 4 year olds ever.
one_pump_dave ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:46:42 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I think isis is funnier then that dude
F3d0ra ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 22:49:36 on September 16, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
This might not fit the title (or subreddit for that matter) but i felt like a goddamn fool afterward. For context I usually leave my weed at my friends house as we were underage and his parents were less strict.
"Hey man, do you trust me with your stuff here?"
"Of course I do."
"You're stupid!"
I was paranoid for six months after that.
notfatoramerican ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 02:32:15 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
In school lunch break 3 black kids were bullying this 1 Irish kid. Black kid asked him "does it rain Guinness in Ireland?" Irish kid replied "I don't know, does it rain bananas in the jungle?"
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:04:17 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
can't read a story about an Irishman without picturing Conor McGregor as the Irishman
[deleted] ยท -12 points ยท Posted at 17:09:28 on September 16, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
[deleted]
[deleted] ยท 12 points ยท Posted at 17:34:57 on September 16, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Those girls' name? Eva Braun and Helen Keller.
seppuku-samurai ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 00:10:10 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
If i wanted the come back I'd ask your mother to spit it out
Thatretroaussie ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 03:34:37 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
joke thief.
seppuku-samurai ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 21:39:59 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
How am I a thief if the OP was asking the most savage comeback I've heard?
SatinSerpent ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 00:29:51 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
You are a cotton-headed ninny muggins! .......get some ice for that burn!
flannyface ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 00:39:35 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Not so much savage but here's an exchange between me and a guy i was playing hockey against:
Him: Who taught you how to hit? Me: Your mom. Him: Nah, she would have taught you harder.
I died.
Cleba76 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 08:48:54 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
but did you die?
danhern ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 04:38:03 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
"Nature will rise against you!"
"You smell like a leper gnome!"
crowd bursts in laughter
funzo1031 ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 04:39:20 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Ex wife: Pass the salt.
Me: You ruined my fucking life.
Hey o.
Puravidalv ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 04:39:53 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
On my motorcycle on the Vegas strip and witnessed a break up of two Americanized Asians Girl screaming totally crazy. Guy "sorry I don't speak cuntanese, but I hope you can find a way back to LA" He turned the other direction to only what I could think was freedom and his car.
[deleted] ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 04:39:54 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
[deleted]
razorbackgeek ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 04:41:12 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Agri teacher I use to have was a cowboy wanna be. One day one of the students was acting up, and the teacher said "Brandon I'm gonna carry you to the office!" Brandon replied "If it's all the same to you, I think I'll walk." Typing it out doesn't seem so funny, but listen to him say it, and Brandon's witty come back was something of legend.
rhysmus ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 22:54:22 on September 16, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Just happened yesterday: We were all in a group and I was talking about how my partner wants kids at 30. Which I said to them that I replied to he saying "fine, we will just have a disabled kid then" (the older you are the more higher risk of having a disabled kid you'll have). This is where my friend said "yeah but my mum had me when she was 36" and another friend replied "Yeah! Prime example!"
aixelsydevaheW ยท -1 points ยท Posted at 02:56:27 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
In retail, a women was complaining that we didn't have any XXL sweatshirts. She said something along the lines of "You would think a store of this size could afford a to have a few XXL sweatshirts for women."
My co-worker (it was his last day before leaving for college), just looked her in the face and said, "Ma'am you are right. We could afford to carry a few XXL's, just like you could afford to lose a few pounds."
She just walked out the store and left her current purchase on the counter without finishing the transaction.
GetAngryMan ยท -1 points ยท Posted at 03:05:59 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Our school had a "School Spirit Week" where we participate in certain activities. Well on this particular day our school decided to have a teamed relay race outside on the soccer field. So there's about 30 or so people in this race and maybe 100 or so watching from the sidelines. The race starts. First lap you need to do the wheel barrel, second lap you need to run backwards.
Now for the third lap you had to pick up your partner and piggy back them around the course.
A kid with some kind of mental illness ( not down syndrome but pretty down close ) immediately stood up, walked in front of the 100 or so people. had the biggest smirk on his face all while giggling to himself. Raises both hands up to his mouth to make a microphone effect and shouts. "IMAGINE CARRYING GEORGE!!" then runs for the hills.
George was front row.
George is 400ish pounds
littlebutcher ยท -1 points ยท Posted at 04:52:45 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I(guy) used to wear a thin gold bracelet....A guy I worked with who had a way nicer, thicker and more masculine and expensive bracelet once commented 'haha why u wear your baby sister bracelet?' I told him my baby sister gave this too me shortly before she passed away...he said 'shit Im so sorry bro, I didn't know'...I said don't apologize I don't have a baby sister...but just think about how cheap you felt today before you ridicule anyone else.
SuperMajesticMan ยท -2 points ยท Posted at 03:47:46 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
For some ITT: insults that aren't actually comebacks...
Orthodox-Waffle ยท -6 points ยท Posted at 00:04:11 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I had a good one recently:
Hanging out with my little lesbian posse, my weird ex-girlfriend (who has been trying to convince me to get back with her) said "BRB gonna pee, don't roofie my drink". L'esprit de l'escalier came early that day and i casually said "like I'd need to". Felt really satisfied with myself.
jungarrayi ยท -1 points ยท Posted at 19:32:17 on September 16, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
The only permanent thing about you is your tattoo's.
JasperYu ยท -1 points ยท Posted at 21:03:07 on September 16, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
couple of guys arguing, one guy says to fuck off, and the other guy just fires back with "no, you fuck off". at which point the first person says the most savage thing i've ever heard: "if i wanted my own comeback, I would've wiped it off your mother's face."
UnderThe102 ยท -1 points ยท Posted at 00:09:06 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
"You play ball like a girl"
The Sandlot
mtmcpher ยท -1 points ยท Posted at 01:38:22 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)*
I was out at a bar in college and asked to buy a girl a drink. Her: " I have a boy friend." Me: "well I have a goldfish," Her: "what" Me: "oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking bout shit that didn't matter"
She asked me to buy the drink
GodOfAllAtheists ยท -1 points ยท Posted at 01:39:27 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Really annoying female co-worker: "so and so calls me sunshine."
Me: "yeah. Because if he stared at you too long he'd go blind."
Same annoying co-worker : "I'm like a Hallmark card..."
I cut her off with: "yeah. Used once then thrown away."
jonnytechno ยท -1 points ยท Posted at 03:25:12 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
"If I wanted a comeback I'd have clawed it out of your mum's ass"
[deleted] ยท -1 points ยท Posted at 04:01:11 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
When I was young and didn't know how things worked, I called the operator and said "Suck my dick, babeeeeeeee!" and hung up.
She immediately called back.
Killybug ยท -1 points ยท Posted at 04:05:42 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Managed to get one over on one of the school bullies after he made fun of my Dad's job..
Me ".... I bet your parents argue about who loves you the most" Him.."errr.. well kinda" Me "How do you feel when they shout: You love him more, no you love him more!
Jahada ยท -1 points ยท Posted at 04:15:47 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
My 10 year old nephew was getting bullied at the lunch table at school, so he went online to learn some comebacks. The next time the bully tried to talk smack, my nephew was prepared. At one point the bully got so flustered he tried using one of my nephews comebacks to my nephew.
My nephew responded with, "If I wanted my own comeback I would have wiped it off your mom's face."
The kid began to cry at this (the rest of the lunch table went bonkers). That night he felt bad enough to have to get it off his chest and tell me what he said to this bully.
It was so hard not to give him an immediate high 5.
securicorscares ยท -1 points ยท Posted at 04:15:58 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I asked for a tape measure at work the other day. My co-worker said, "So you can measure your dick with it?"
And I said, "Yeah, I wanna see if these pills are working."
FajitaPants ยท -1 points ยท Posted at 04:17:32 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
A bit long but here goes. My Mom did and still does a lot of hair - cut, color and so on. She had this big ring with dozens of hair samples on it, different colors so you could pick out what you like and she would do her magic. I was holding it up to my hair to see if mine was Chestnut Brown or Autumnal Moss or whatever. My younger brother walks up and says "what color is my hair?" I put the ring to his head, briefly fumble through samples..."poop brown".
[deleted] ยท -1 points ยท Posted at 04:18:20 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
"Why don't you go take Molly or Xanax and watch your life fall apart like the rest of your deadbeat friends"
vth0mas ยท -1 points ยท Posted at 04:22:15 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I'm not a comeback king by any means, and frankly I'm a bit ashamed of this one because I think I may have mistaken flirting for insulting.
Me and four coworkers all go to the bar after clocking out. We're all wearing the same outfit: black shoes and slacks with white button down shirts. We're all all wasted and about to move on to the next pub when this drunk lady comes up to me and asks sort of condescendingly, "Are you guys supposed to be a barbershop quartet or something?"
I huffed and said, "Quintet, bitch!"
Zero fucks given.
jeffblue ยท -1 points ยท Posted at 04:28:33 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
"Shut up"
"Nice comeback"
"If I wanted my cum back I'd wipe it off your mom's tits"
Smexsi ยท -1 points ยท Posted at 04:30:19 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Listen here. If I wanted my comeback, I'd kick your mom in the throat.
Stagnant_shart ยท -1 points ยท Posted at 04:36:30 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
My friends told my sister something at school. At the time my sister was having issues with her friends. She says "yeah, great friends you have there" to which I reply "at least I have my friends".
cookiemonsta57 ยท -1 points ยท Posted at 06:01:19 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
if you want my comeback you'll need to scrape it off your moms face
Sub116610 ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 05:09:42 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
"Well the Jerk store called, and they're running out of you!"
culesamericano ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 05:17:31 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
If I wanted my own comeback I would've wiped it off your mom's chin
ohhfasho ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 05:26:07 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
We're asking reddit this again?
petergiovanni ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 05:26:44 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
The scenario, couple of friends drinking: 1. Guy A: So here's a joke... 1. Guy B: Oh, its that one with the [spoils the whole joke], man.. 1. Guy C to Guy B, seeing Guy A: Damn, man you totally screwed his momentum and ours 1. Guy A to Guy C, seeing Guy B: Well, everyone is not as smart as you
HKjason ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 06:01:57 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
This bitch got so much semen in her mouth, it looks like her teeth are melting.
HazelnutPraline ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 06:39:46 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
"If I had wanted your comeback, I'd have wiped it off your mum's chin".
[deleted] ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 06:54:02 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
[deleted]
mindscent ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 06:57:01 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
why
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 07:49:16 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Cuz him am retard.
Typed01 ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 07:21:30 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I think some of the best are when they are are not expected and said nonchalantly . If someone says they are thirsty in any manner of words, or they are parched or whatnot....best is if they have the word throat in there, is parched or is dry....so sat, not enough semen?
Or if someone says thank you for something big....for me it was I saved a guy while we were playing halo 2 years ago and he thanked me. Say, I take care of my bitches.
If you hear someone say they hate someone or they kind of randomly say that hate you.....and of course these all must be in front of people, say, did they show you their penis and not let you sick it. Or you explain to the people around you why they said they hate or have a dislike of you that, you showed him your penis but would not let him sick it.
At any rate, the best thing for talking shit is to get plenty of sleep so you're amply witty.
toms_face ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 07:23:21 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)*
So I was in this meeting at work, there was this newish guy there and most of us didn't really like him because he was kind of weird. He was a real kind of idiot as well, some short bald guy with an inferiority complex probably. Anyway what really annoyed us was that this guy would fucking eat shrimp during almost every meeting. Every fucking meeting this guy would be eating shrimp. And not like a couple of shrimp, he always had a plate full of shrimp. So this one guy said "hey the ocean called, they're running out of shrimp" and everyone was laughing, even the boss who wasn't really a laughing kind of guy. Then the next day he fucking does it again. So he says the exact same thing, people laugh a bit less, but it's all good. Then the shrimp guy pauses, stands up and they're sitting across from each other and he points to him, and he goes "oh yeah? Well the jerk store called, they're running out of you." Now everyone is thinking what the fuck is going on? So this fucking madman, he responds back to him "oh yeah, you're they're best seller!" and everyone goes fucking apeshit laughing and a fucking bass guitar starts playing.
Giimax ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 07:23:57 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I wrekt my friend 3 times in a row.
He said "Hey I'm sick! "Why?" "I'm sick of you!" " What an immune system"
Some guy was like "SICK BURN" He said " You want me to burn your house down? Gimme a lighter!" I replied " You can't even afford a lighter!?"
He got really pissed and tried to hit me with a bottle. I said "Bro, if you get burnt ya gotta use cold water."
belovely ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 10:04:09 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Those are terrible
Kinda1OfAKind ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:20:17 on October 6, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I thought those were good... if dude was in 5th grade.
lol... some people
ShoroukTV ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 07:24:11 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
For the french speakers:
-T'as la dรฉfaite amer!
-Ouais, j'la dรฉfais ta mรจre!
schattenteufel ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 08:00:46 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
"The jerk store called, they're running out of you!" -George Costanza
IJD22 ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 08:02:47 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
GEORGE: (picks up more shrimp) Let's see how many I can fit in my mouth.
George begins picking up shrimp one by one and stuffing them into his mouth.
REILLY: (leaning forward) You know, George...
George looks up, expectantly.
REILLY: The ocean called. They're running outta shrimp.
Everyone around the table laughs. Except for George, who looks triumphant. He swallows, and uses a napkin to clean his fingers.
GEORGE: (standing) Oh yeah, Reilly? (smugly) Well, the jerk store called. They're running outta you
RangeUK ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 08:37:01 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
'Jeez cop you look like sh*t', Better than the way I left your wife this morning
Maxtsi ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 08:42:25 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
ITT: Karma farmers passing off jokes as their own life experiences.
Tsurja ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 08:58:20 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Wanna make a bitchy, but insecure 14-year old cry? Ask her for a Kleenex.
ertdwyer ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 12:17:10 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Saw this on yahoo answers some years back:
When a guy ask you to make them a sandwich what is a good come back? im tired of my guy friends being sexiest and asking me to make them a sandwich. what are some good comebacks for when they say this?
The best answer:
Well you better come back with a god damn sandwich.
lennydykstra17 ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 12:49:29 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
"Fuck you!"
"You want to"
You're welcome reddit
[deleted] ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 13:35:13 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
only thing that comes to mind is something I said myself. it was after a music festival, I was 16. I had gotten so drunk that you only get that drunk once and then you don't do it again. your friends have been cleaning your vomit off of you for 8 hours drunk. so this one girl thought the whole thing was pretty hilarious. she had spent her festival exploring her sexuality, if you know what I mean. so we get back to school and she's teasing me all the time that I'm the "camp blackout-drinkerrrr" and the thing was that this was pretty early in high school, I wasn't about to be known for the rest of my teens for one embarassing bout of overdrinking so I quickly and without thinking snapped back "so does that make you the camp whore?"
I felt pretty bad about it for a while, it seemed a little overkill. But it had the desired effect as she shut up real quick.
Skekung37 ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 13:41:19 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I used to work at an OfficeMax. My store manager was commenting in the new carpet we got in the furniture pad.
SM-"This has got to be the ugliest carpet I have ever seen."
Skekung37-"What, did they just lay a bunch of mirrors down?"
BodeyTheV ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 13:48:41 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
A fat girl was harassing a few gay guys at one of the pubs i frequent, saying shit along the lines of "you're only gay cause you couldn't get any" One of them turned to her and shouted "Oh well atleast i get more cock than you!"
JoeMojo ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 14:08:09 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
We had one of those extremely aggressive evangelist on our campus. He was leaping into the air and calling everyone that walked by "Whores" and "Whore Mongers"...detailing the horrors of hell; that sort of thing.
This guy just walked by and he started yelling at him about the fiery torment he was headed toward. The guy stopped and turned around and said "In a past life..."
This, by itself revved up the preacher who was about to launch into the evils of religions that believed in past lives but, then the guy continued "I butt fucked Jesus' corpse"
Past lives, homosexuality, blasphemy and necrophilia all in one retort.
French_Guy_Number_2 ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 14:45:06 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Some kid made fun of my name. I berated him for his simple minded depravity, since my name sake is a classic work of literature, and fundamentally destroyed his ego for about 30 seconds straight while his eyes glazed over and he turned to face forward and tilted his head down. He tried to muster up a shitty apology afterwards and i just sunk my claws in deeper. Fucking uncultured cunt attempting to dethrone what little self confidence I have. Get rekt
Katana314 ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 17:12:11 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Hopefully this is okay that it's from a video game. This is in the new Ace Attorney game, involving a deeply religious prosecutor who sees trials as the last rites of the victim where the culprit's soul is burned in hell. This is near the end of the trial when the defense has proven the facts, but the prosecutor is still being indignant about it.
Sahdmadhi: Feh! You and the accused are most certainly bound for hell!!
Apollo: Really? The defendant and I? Because I'd think you're the one with a ticket there for trying to convict an innocent girl.
He shuts up
mthijsen888 ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 18:06:33 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
some guy in 1th grade me: all second graders suck me: wow are you a psychic cuz you can see one year in the future
The_Trumpinator ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:40:51 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
wtf are you trying to say?
[deleted] ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 20:19:22 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Boss of a shitty retail store: You're a piece of shit who couldn't tie his own fucking shoes without someone to babysit your ass.
Ex-employee now full time employee at a bank: At least I'm a piece of shit who can afford to maintain a stable relationship and can do whatever I want whenever I want, like your ex-wife (ex-wife divorced boss because boss wouldn't stop drinking and smoking)
LikeARoss0708 ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 01:14:49 on September 20, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I go to an international school and this guy (Alan) is a native in my country so he speaks the local language and i dont. Anyways I know when Alan is talking shit, after 2 years i know the negative words. Anyways so we were in our math class and basically that class only had the art students in it at that moment so it was him and all his friends and just me, awkward as you could imagine. Anyways i try to answer a question in class, and i am wrong. Alan whispers to his friends "(translated)idiot". Also i forgot to mention this guy is a class representative for our class for some reason. The teacher heard him say idiot and he says "What makes a class representative?" and in that moment without thinking i raise my hand and i say "The opposite of Alan." I got kicked out the class for 15 minutes but i dont regret it not even for a second, his face is still funny to me.
[deleted] ยท -7 points ยท Posted at 22:50:05 on September 16, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
[deleted]
[deleted] ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 00:17:56 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
You're still in 8th grade, aren't you?
Alateriel ยท -2 points ยท Posted at 00:21:53 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
If I wanted a comeback I would have wiped it off your mother's chin.
Coddd ยท -2 points ยท Posted at 04:27:30 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
There was this kid who no one liked at all on my bus who when I was a senior and he was a sophomore. One day he was talking to his "friend" about somthing, then there a short pause when suddenly he yells to his friend "YOU KNOW WHAT WOULD BE Cool?". At this time the bus was coming to a stop which was my bus stop. I replied to the kid saying "killing your self" and then proceeded to get off the bus. The kid didn't here me how ever. My friends burst out laughing at the savagery that just came out of my mouth.
asCii88 ยท -2 points ยท Posted at 04:19:11 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Some bald dude with glasses who worked for the Yankees called for a meeting with our board of directors. He showed up out of nowhere with a bowl full of shrimp and was clearly enjoying them to say the least, and one guy goes: 'the ocean called, they are running out of shrimp' and the guy answers: 'well, the jerk store called, they're running out of you!' Nobody laughed. I thought it was awesome.
Wejax ยท -4 points ยท Posted at 20:59:24 on September 16, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
"You are the refuse on the bottom of a collection tank in a septic system."
To those who don't know, that means you are a pile of bacteria feces and/or the shit that even anaerobic bacteria wouldn't find any use for.
GORELORD187 ยท -1 points ยท Posted at 21:00:46 on September 16, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
You're lucky I didn't call you a bitch you stupid cunt.
VuSu ยท -1 points ยท Posted at 22:03:57 on September 16, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Me: im a boss, not a bus obviously
Friend: you are a bus, you carry a lot of weight
Happened 3 years ago. :v
thedankbank1021 ยท -1 points ยท Posted at 22:39:59 on September 16, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
That's the worst comeback since I got mine from your moms chin.
clutchdeve ยท -1 points ยท Posted at 23:03:27 on September 16, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
The jerk store called and they're running out of YOU!
sidewinder582 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 23:16:12 on September 16, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Oh yeah, well I had sex with your wife!!!
Chrome_Quartz ยท -1 points ยท Posted at 00:08:29 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
"Oh yeah? Well even Evil Kenivel would have a hard time jumping the gap in your teeth."
god_dammit_karl ยท -1 points ยท Posted at 00:29:30 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
No Vaseline - ice cube
[deleted] ยท -1 points ยท Posted at 00:41:28 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I delivered the comeback.
Back in high school there was a guy who kept scooping my nipples. After enough politely asking him to stop, he did it one day and I said in front of the whole gym class,
"You do that to me because your girlfriend won't let you touch hers."
Who knew if he even had a gf at a time but the scooping stopped for good.
NAUGHTYBOUY ยท -1 points ยท Posted at 00:49:11 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
When a coworker of mine was asked by another why he had piled the Weight on, he replied, "every time I fuck your wife, she makes me a sandwich"...
Zion0207 ยท -1 points ยท Posted at 01:47:37 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
If I wanted a comeback, I would've wiped your mothers chin.
Wumaduce ยท -1 points ยท Posted at 01:48:27 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
My 14 year old friend, "that's so lame comeback!"
His 30something cop neighbor, "you want a comeback? Go scrape it off your mother's teeth!"
Jackburtoni ยท -1 points ยท Posted at 01:59:14 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
My best friend and a classmate of ours were trading barbs, trying to one up each other. My friend decided to escalate it by saying, "Well I fucked your mom last night!"
Our classmate got upset and said, "my mom is dead."
My friend paused for a split second and then, as I watched on in horror, said "I guess that's why she didn't move around a lot!"
So messed up, but the joke had to be made.
Nektry ยท -1 points ยท Posted at 02:22:15 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Well at work one of my co-workers was being reprimanded and my supervisor was going on about how he 'didn't think'. And I said "you're implying he had a brain and was capable of thinking to begin with."
[deleted] ยท -1 points ยท Posted at 02:32:49 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Was your mother drunk or high when she was pregnant with you?
-grandma
[deleted] ยท -1 points ยท Posted at 02:33:33 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Steve Jobs teaching those bee-atches at Apple who fired him what's up.
GookRaider ยท -1 points ยท Posted at 02:33:41 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
You're the reason why certain animals kill their own born
KazooIsRad ยท -1 points ยท Posted at 02:33:50 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
If you wanted my comeback you'll have to bring your mom to a gynecologist
[deleted] ยท -1 points ยท Posted at 03:02:57 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
When CNN spent months talking shit about Trump and then he trolled them fucking hard today and made them broadcast an hour of him promoting his hotel, and then a bunch of vets supporting him, and then says Obama is American the end.
aixelsydevaheW ยท -1 points ยท Posted at 03:11:06 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I was walking to class and Hillary was "speaking" at my college in a few hours. One of her supporters asked me if I was going to see her speak.
I responded with, "Oh shit is that today? I knew I shouldn't have deleted that E-Mail."
pompeii-79 ยท -1 points ยท Posted at 04:07:41 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
You have a weak soul.
beatums ยท -1 points ยท Posted at 04:11:23 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Should have used Jerk Store
CanadianSully ยท -1 points ยท Posted at 04:11:51 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
If I wanted comeback I'd scrape it off your mothers teeth.
h0verboard ยท -1 points ยท Posted at 04:15:48 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
The jerk store called, they're running out of you
5Oshadesofgreg ยท -1 points ยท Posted at 04:17:58 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
high school geoscience class: a kid who we all knew was adopted by two men (had two dads) told my friend to "go cry to your mommy" my buddy: "well atleast i have a mommy"
ArcticJag ยท -1 points ยท Posted at 04:20:41 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
"Your dad used a Kroger bag as a condom."
[deleted] ยท -1 points ยท Posted at 04:22:05 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
If I wanted a comeback, I'd whip it off your mom's chin
snazzmasterj ยท -1 points ยท Posted at 04:28:42 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
"What's the difference between a colloquialism and an idiom?"
"A colloquialism is what I did to your mother, an idiom's what came out of her!"
Braytone ยท -1 points ยท Posted at 04:29:35 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
In high school a way back, our teacher is going on about his day. He's a very metrosexual type of guy, and is enunciating his disdain for the school system. My friend raises his hand, gets called on and says, "I'm sorry, could you say that again and less like a fairy?"
SeagullSalami ยท -1 points ยท Posted at 04:29:53 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
steven hawking feels sorry for how you look
Blixxkai ยท -1 points ยท Posted at 04:32:05 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
"I don't care that you broke your arm!" - Master Savage
Ithoughtshewaslvl16 ยท -1 points ยท Posted at 04:34:29 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Ta ta ta ta.... BEETHOVEN'S 5TH SYMPHONY.
A__NEW__USER ยท -1 points ยท Posted at 04:36:49 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
That one recently about that comedians dead wife and how he doesn't know what a dying woman looks like... You know the one. It was beyond savage.
[deleted] ยท -1 points ยท Posted at 04:37:37 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Hey Dinesh, nice chain. Do you choke your mother with it when you put your penis in her butthole?
Sergent9932 ยท -1 points ยท Posted at 04:40:48 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
"If you want my come back, you'll have to scrape it off your moms teeth"
davidoff0078 ยท -1 points ยท Posted at 04:41:35 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Guy 1: when the front and back doors are open on my house we don't get that weird suction thing that slams other doors
Guy 2: that's because your mom lives there and she's doing enough sucking
partly_cloudy ยท -1 points ยท Posted at 04:41:50 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
If I wanted comeback I'd take it off your mom's face
ImpromptuMuppet ยท -1 points ยท Posted at 04:44:15 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
My mom is from Kentucky. Once she was visiting us Northerners and brought eggs from her chickens. She kept bemoaning the fact that she only had 11 eggs. Would. Not. Give it up. "I just really wanted to bring you a dozen, but they wouldn't lay just one more."
Finally, I pat her on the hand and tell her, "It's OK, Mom. We understand. It's a Kentucky dozen."
She choked a bit, then begrudgingly laughed. And let it go.
Qweniden ยท -1 points ยท Posted at 05:04:11 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
The jerk store called and they are all out of you!
Spiritofchokedout ยท -1 points ยท Posted at 05:06:08 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
ITT-- fake stories of dudes shutting down uppity fat people and the physically disabled, and paternity jokes
casprus ยท -1 points ยท Posted at 05:07:42 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
"Hillary was asked by George Stephanopoulos, who, as I also said, makes out with Hillary in his spare time-- Back in his autobiography he said, in 1996, that he and Hillary had a moment after Bill won reelection, in which Hillary looked at George Stephanopoulos and said, 'I love you, George' and he looked back at her and said, 'I love you too Hillary' and then they started making out until she realised he wasn't a woman."
Trapmaster83 ยท -1 points ยท Posted at 05:07:53 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Super tardy and long time lurker, but whatever.
Story happened about two months ago. My co-worker, in a joking attempt at sounding "wise" told me, "Don't just believe what you see, seek the truth, not the 'answers'". It only took him a short second to get that 'I've got a good one' smile after I asked what the difference between the two really was. He stopped cleaning, looked me dead in the eye, and said "Have you ever asked your parents if they love you?". We both promptly burst into laughter, and it's served as a great example when a new hire "just doesn't get" our sense of humor.
Maybe it's not really a comeback, oh well.
whorfin ยท -1 points ยท Posted at 05:18:27 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Yeah...you like that, you fucking retard?
fanamana ยท -1 points ยท Posted at 05:21:13 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Drunk woman heckling a comedian.
Comedian "Shut the fuck up or I'm going to pay a n**** to fuck you in front of your father."
Damn. You have to gauge which part of that is most appalling.
nachofiend ยท -1 points ยท Posted at 05:21:23 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Late to the party but I was in a church meeting one time and surprisingly things can get interesting in there. Anyway they were talking about this woman Karen and this guy asked which Karen and someone said "Mrs. Anderson, well the old Mrs. Anderson" cos she was divorced and then he was like "well who's the new Mrs. Anderson" and it was this woman named Brenda who happened to be in the meeting and she was like "it's me, I would say new and improved but..." and my mouth just dropped open. Like damn shit's going down at the committee meeting
HalfLifes- ยท -1 points ยท Posted at 05:32:53 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Friend took pencil from my other friend. Kid yells across the table "You only want it cause it's pink like your pussy" oooooooooo
MelTorment ยท -1 points ยท Posted at 05:35:22 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
My best friend and I worked at a restaurant as cooks together. I was newer and he kept trying to guide me but we both had cooking experience and I knew what I was doing.
Understand, this guy is the most chill person ever and never talks shit. I'm a mouthy asshole. I couldn't take the direction, and I tell him a few times "yeah, I got it. Yeah, I know."
So he keeps directing and guiding me and finally I say, "You know what your problem is, Best Friend? You don't fucking listen."
He replies: "You know what your problem is? Your mom didn't have an abortion."
I stopped dead in my tracks caught off guard and then hugged that amazing sonofabitch then and there. It was fantastic.
checksuponusernames ยท -1 points ยท Posted at 05:36:00 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
In the 7th grade, some kid called my friend a pussy. He quickly responded, "you are what you eat, dick."
Orrblunk ยท -1 points ยท Posted at 05:36:05 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
"I wasn't a homophobe until I met you"
southsideson ยท -1 points ยท Posted at 05:36:18 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
"I wouldn't fuck you if you were the last guy on earth."
"If I was the last guy on earth, someone would get caned if they even let you in line."
ButterYoBread ยท -1 points ยท Posted at 05:38:10 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
said to the bitchy girl no one liked in fourth grade, don't remember what started it but I was a pretty nice kid so something must have really kicked it off... Her: 'Well ButterYoBread, at least I have horses.' Me: 'Yeah, well at least I have friends.'
flatisbert ยท -1 points ยท Posted at 05:41:37 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
If I wanted my cum back I'd wipe it off your mom's face
Trollaboratory ยท -1 points ยท Posted at 05:44:03 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Where's all the gold in this thread?
Marine4341 ยท -1 points ยท Posted at 05:46:55 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
In midst of throwing lame comebacks at eachother
Guy 1: "Ohhh, nice comeback, dude."
Guy 2: "If I wanted my cum back, I'd wipe it off your mother's face.
PM_me_yer_SQUANCH ยท -1 points ยท Posted at 05:50:21 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
This old drunk guy was stumbling around a party acting somewhat lascivious and proclaimed to everybody that he was busy "thinking with his dick" and I busted out with "why dont you listen to the poor guy and go to bed, that fucker passed out in '92"
AL_MI_T_1 ยท -1 points ยท Posted at 05:57:19 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
1) A buddy of mine and myself were going after the same girl. Well one night I tried hooking up with her but was doing it with no passion so I wasn't able to perform. So my friend ended up hooking up with her then they start to date. All my friends teased me for the next week til I looked at my friend and said "Well I have to give to you. You took [name redacted] from friends with benefits to dating in 2 inches."
2) When I was in high School I was in class having a conversation with a friend quietly. When a girl no one really like for being nosey decide to but in with her opinion. Without missing a beat I told her, "If I want your opinion I'd ask for it for your herpes mustached face." She proceeded to get up and leave the classroom. I got pulled into the office and handed a detention.
n3kr0m4nt1x ยท -1 points ยท Posted at 05:59:22 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I was in high school. I also was a super gutter punk kid. Rocking a Propaghandi shirt and T.U.K. creepers. In Science, we had to have colored pencils for graphs that we had to do for lab. We were all huddled around the teachers desk for a demonstation, and me and a friend were in the back of the group. Grabbed a random pack of pencils and flung them evetywhere, turned out to be the high school football team's quarterbacks pencils.
He said, "better pick those up, they're MINE" as if that mattered to me.
Told him "if their yours, YOU can pick them up."
bedwelld ยท -1 points ยท Posted at 06:00:13 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Comedian Jimmy Carr was heckled during his gig, he turned to the bloke and asked him his name, "Dave" the bloke replied. "Well Dave, if you want my comeback, you'll have to wipe it off your Mum's teeth" Brilliant!
RUSSOxD ยท -1 points ยท Posted at 06:16:40 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Just came back from a store, was gonna buy a 300 dollar backpack and wanted to try the HTC ViVe they had there first, one guy told me it was broken, and then i went to the manager and he said they were short staffed and those were the rules. I told him "see that backpack over there, thats 300 bucks, i'm gonna buy it somewhere else now, karma's a bitch"
Zipkan ยท -1 points ยท Posted at 06:18:55 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Not me personally, but a story a friend told me.
My friends wife had a new guy start, and (idk how he got the job) he is some country boy in his 30'sleep. He is your stereotypical homophobic, doesn't want to know about them, talk to them, any of that. Well one night my friend and his wife, and a bunch of her coworkers take this new guy out to what he believes to be a booby bar. The night goes well, and at the end the new guy goes into a private room for a little while, and comes out with the biggest grin on his face, and was talking how he got the best bj in his whole life from this girl. And how none of the female coworkers he works with could do better. Well the group of coworkers all start to lose it until my friend leans in and says. "You know this a transgender bar right?" They said the look on the new guys face goes from joy, to complete disgust, kinda like how you see it in cartoons. Needless to say he never showed to work again.
Meriis ยท -1 points ยท Posted at 06:29:03 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I work with two people who were adopted and came from really rough homes as children. Both were there, but A was talking shit to me about how he makes better pizzas. I come back "Well, your parents don't love you!" he said "I was adopted, bro!" I came back "that's kind of the point, isn't it?". A stopped and said "Jesus, Christ , dude." B overheard it and didn't think I was joking and didn't speak to me for the rest of the shift. Fun times.
new2itallwithoutaclu ยท -1 points ยท Posted at 06:34:59 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
In court. The defendant on trial was being questioned by the prosecuting attorney. Defandant was frustrated with her questions and at one point answered with the phrase, "I bet you're P*$$Y is so smelly it could make an onion cry!" (there were a few .02 second laughs and "hmph's" from the juror box)
[deleted] ยท -1 points ยท Posted at 06:40:23 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)*
My Friend : "You dog !"
Me : "And you my favorite lamp post ..."
One more ..
My Friend : "You have everything house, car, good looking girl. Who do you think you are ?"
Me :"Bro I am life mocking at you !"
Another one ..
My colleague turns in a shitty presentation.
Me : " Dude you can't turn a crow into a peacock by shoving a broom up its ass."
Mundane_WoLf ยท -1 points ยท Posted at 06:48:04 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
"I'm rubber and you're glue, whatever you say bounces off me and sticks to you!"
Knajii ยท -1 points ยท Posted at 06:48:56 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
One time as a bunch of 7th grade kids we are riding our bikes around the neighbourhood and sit down by some grass to catch our breath. Chilling and joking around when another set of kids around the same age all rode past on their bikes, to which some one said:
"Ohhh it's the bikerrrrrssss!"
All rode past clearly unfazed by the not that clever comment, except one, the guy on the scooter at the back.
"Haha, NO!" He exclaimed sarcastically, stopping his scooter to deliver the punishing audio.
"Haha, no... no to what?"
Kid just looks zombie faced at us with mouth prompt open rattling his brain to try and respond, but how could you? He scoots away in silence.
narfidy ยท -1 points ยท Posted at 06:57:35 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
My fraternity brother: Dude it takes forever for me to finish, like 4 hours sometimes
Me: Yeah that's only cause you need those 4 hours to actually please a woman
[deleted] ยท -1 points ยท Posted at 08:51:48 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
How is this NSFW?
kiwikoopa ยท -1 points ยท Posted at 12:02:08 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
This is the only time I've ever been outspoken, I felt kinda bad about it too.
In HS there was this athlete kid that everyone hated. He was known for being ultra annoying. He was in my English class and we're taking a test. He kept tapping his boot loudly against the wall. My friend nicely asked, "Whoever is doing that, could you please stop?" I saw him look up, smirk, and then start rapping louder. I looked up and asked, "(kid's name) why do you go out of your way to annoy everyone?" And he stopped.
Felt kinda bad about it, but if you knew this English class, our know why I had enough at that point.
ardisfoxx ยท -1 points ยท Posted at 12:45:54 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
A friend of mine has a pretty quick tongue. We were giving each other shit one time and I he threw an insult at me, I started to respond and he cuts me off and says "Oi OI, mate if I wanted come back, I'd scrape it off the roof of your mums mouth." It was ruthless. Shut me right up lol.
wickland2 ยท -1 points ยท Posted at 13:45:37 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Your mom is like a shotgun
1 cock and she blows
T_Rash ยท -1 points ยท Posted at 14:43:52 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Neighborhood junkie lost his legs trying to steal beer from a boxcar was sitting in a wheelchair outside a convenient store begging for change. He said to me "can you help me out I lost my legs in Afghanistan" . I said "sure you won't find them sitting there" .
I heard a comedian say something very familiar to that. I'd give credit where credit is due but I can't recall who it was. If anyone knows who it can you let me know.
Itwasateenagewedding ยท -2 points ยท Posted at 22:36:43 on September 16, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
'Well the jerk store called, and they're running out of you.'
JuanPRamirez ยท -2 points ยท Posted at 23:24:33 on September 16, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Saw these two people arguing in my physics class.
Boy "stop being fake"
Girl "at least my personality isn't as fake as Kim Kardashian's butt"
Edit: a word
fuknwayshegoes ยท -2 points ยท Posted at 00:18:04 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
You want my comeback?
You'll have to scrape it off your moms teeth.
pyrrhios ยท -2 points ยท Posted at 00:41:53 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
If I wanted my comeback, I'd wipe it off your chin.
thebestman12 ยท -2 points ยท Posted at 01:04:57 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
If you want my comeback you're going to have to scrape it off your mums teeth.
Robotron2085 ยท -2 points ยท Posted at 01:18:52 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
You swine. You vulgar little maggot. You worthless bag of filth. I would rather kiss a lawyer than be seen with you. You took your last vacation in the Islets of Langerhans. You're a putrescent mass, a walking vomit. You are a spineless little worm deserving nothing but the profoundest contempt. You are a jerk, a cad, and a weasel. I take that back; you are a festering pustule on a weasel's rump. Your life is a monument to stupidity. You are a stench, a revulsion, a big suck on a sour lemon. I will never get over the embarrassment of belonging to the same species as you. You are a monster, an ogre, a malformity. I barf at the very thought of you. You have all the appeal of a paper cut. Lepers avoid you. You are vile, worthless, less than nothing. You are a weed, a fungus, the dregs of this earth. You are a technicolor yawn. And did I mention that you smell? You are a squeaking rat, a mistake of nature and a heavy-metal bagpipe player. You were not born. You were hatched into an unwilling world that rejects the likes of you. You didn't crawl out of a normal egg, either, but rather a mutant maggot egg rejected by an evil scientist as being below his low standards. Your alleged parents abandoned you at birth and then died of shame in recognition of what they had done to an unsuspecting world. They were a bit late. Try to edit your responses of unnecessary material before attempting to impress us with your insight. The evidence that you are a nincompoop will still be available to readers, but they will be able to access it ever so much more rapidly. If cluelessness were crude oil, your scalp would be crawling with caribou. You are a thick-headed trog. I have seen skeet with more sense than you have. You are a few bricks short of a full load, a few cards short of a full deck, a few bytes short of a full core dump, and a few chromosomes short of a full human. Worse than that, you top-post. God created houseflies, cockroaches, maggots, mosquitos, fleas, ticks, slugs, leeches, and intestinal parasites, then he lowered his standards and made you. I take it back; God didn't make you. You are Satan's spawn. You are Evil beyond comprehension, half-living in the slough of despair. You are the entropy which will claim us all. You are a green-nostriled, crossed eyed, hairy-livered inbred trout-defiler. You make Ebola look good. You are weary, stale, flat and unprofitable. You are grimy, squalid, nasty and profane. You are foul and disgusting. You're a fool, an ignoramus. Monkeys look down on you. Even sheep won't have sex with you. You are unreservedly pathetic, starved for attention, and lost in a land that reality forgot. You are not ANSI compliant and your markup doesn't validate. You have a couple of address lines shorted together. You should be promoted to Engineering Manager. Do you really expect your delusional and incoherent ramblings to be read? Everyone plonked you long ago. Do you fantasize that your tantrums and conniption fits could possibly be worth the $0.000000001 worth of electricity used to send them? Your life is one big W.O.M.B.A.T. and your future doesn't look promising either. We need to trace your bloodline and terminate all siblings and cousins in order to cleanse humanity of your polluted genes. The good news is that no normal human would ever mate with you, so we won't have to go into the sewers in search of your git. You are a waste of flesh. You have no rhythm. You are ridiculous and obnoxious. You are the moral equivalent of a leech. You are a living emptiness, a meaningless void. You are sour and senile. You are a loathsome disease, a drooling inbred cross-eyed toesucker. You make Quakers shout and strike Pentecostals silent. You have a version 1.0 mind in a version 6.12 world. You are a maggot riddled cyst in between the assholes of society. Your mother had to tie a pork chop around your neck just to get your dog to play with you. You believe that P.D.Q. Bach is the greatest composer who ever lived. You prefer L. Ron Hubbard to Larry Niven and Jerry Pournelle. Hee-Haw is too deep for you. You would watch test patterns all day if the other inmates would let you. On a good day you're a half-wit. You remind me of drool. You are deficient in all that lends character. You have the personality of wallpaper. You are dank and filthy. You are asinine and benighted. Spammers look down on you. Phone sex operators hang up on you. Telemarketers refuse to be seen in public with you. You are the source of all unpleasantness. You spread misery and sorrow wherever you go. May you choke on your own foolish opinions. You are a Pusillanimous galactophage and you wear your sister's training bra. Don't bother opening the door when you leave - you should be able to slime your way out underneath. I hope that when you get home your mother runs out from under the porch and bites you. You smarmy lagerlout git. You bloody woofter sod. Bugger off, pillock. You grotty wanking oik artless base-court apple-john. You clouted boggish foot-licking half-twit. You dankish clack-dish plonker. You gormless crook-pated tosser. You bloody churlish boil-brained clot pole ponce. You craven dewberry pisshead cockup pratting naff. You cockered bum-bailey poofter. You gob-kissing gleeking flap-mouthed coxcomb. You dread-bolted fobbing beef-witted clapper-clawed flirt-gill. May your spouse be blessed with many bastards. You are so clueless that if you dressed in a clue skin, doused yourself in clue musk, and did the clue dance in the middle of a field of horny clues at the height of clue mating season, you still would not have a clue. If you were a movie you would be a double feature; Battlefield_Earth and Moron_Movies_II. You would be out of focus. You are a fiend and a sniveling coward, and you have bad breath. You are the unholy spawn of a bandy-legged hobo and a syphilitic camel. You wear strangely mismatched clothing with oddly placed stains. You are degenerate, noxious and depraved. I feel debased just knowing that you exist. I despise everything about you, and I wish you would go away. You are jetsam who dreams of becoming flotsam. You won't make it. I beg for sweet death to come and remove me from a world which became unbearable when you crawled out of a harpy's lair. It is hard to believe how incredibly stupid you are. Stupid as a stone that the other stones make fun of. So stupid that you have traveled far beyond stupid as we know it and into a new dimension of stupid. Meta-stupid. Stupid cubed. Trans-stupid stupid. Stupid collapsed to a singularity where even the stupons have collapsed into stuponium. Stupid so dense that no intelligence can escape. Singularity stupid. Blazing hot summer day on Mercury stupid. You emit more stupid in one minute than our entire galaxy emits in a year. Quasar stupid. It cannot be possible that anything in our universe can really be this stupid. This is a primordial fragment from the original big stupid bang. A pure extract of stupid with absolute stupid purity. Stupid beyond the laws of nature. I must apologize. I can't go on. This is my epiphany of stupid. After this experience, you may not hear from me for a while. I don't think that I can summon the strength left to mock your moronic opinions and malformed comments about boring trivia or your other drivel. Duh. The only thing worse than your logic is your manners. I have snipped away most of your of what you wrote, because, well ... it didn't really say anything. Your attempt at constructing a creative flame was pitiful. I mean, really, stringing together a bunch of insults among a load of babbling was hardly effective... Maybe later in life, after you have learned to read, write, spell, and count, you will have more success. True, these are rudimentary skills that many of us "normal" people take for granted that everyone has an easy time of mastering. But we sometimes forget that there are "challenged" persons in this world who find these things to be difficult. If I had known that this was true in your case then I would have never have exposed myself to what you wrote. It just wouldn't have been "right." Sort of like parking in a handicap space. I wish you the best of luck in the emotional, and social struggles that seem to be placing such a demand on you. P.S.: You are hypocritical, greedy, violent, malevolent, vengeful, cowardly, deadly, mendacious, meretricious, loathsome, despicable, belligerent, opportunistic, barratrous, contemptible, criminal, fascistic, bigoted, racist, sexist, avaricious, tasteless, idiotic, brain-damaged, imbecilic, insane, arrogant, deceitful, demented, lame, self-righteous, byzantine, conspiratorial, fraudulent, libelous, bilious, splenetic, spastic, ignorant, clueless, EDLINoid, illegitimate, harmful, destructive, dumb, evasive, double-talking, devious, revisionist, narrow, manipulative, paternalistic, fundamentalist, dogmatic, idolatrous, unethical, cultic, diseased, suppressive, controlling, restrictive, malignant, deceptive, dim, crazy, weird, dyspeptic, stifling, uncaring, plantigrade, grim, unsympathetic, jargon-spouting, censorious, secretive, aggressive, mind-numbing, arassive, poisonous, flagrant, self-destructive, abusive, socially-retarded, puerile, and Generally Not Good.
KINKYFIREMAN ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 01:41:41 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Ha! Burn
Notonefuckwasgiven88 ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 04:29:52 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Shut the fuck up, you pretentious asshat.
Robotron2085 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 16:55:03 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Too close to home? :3
edit: holy shit, your comment history paints the most desperate and depressing human being I've ever imagined. At first I was annoyed with you but now I feel genuine sympathy for you. I'm so sorry you have to be you.
hcrld ยท -2 points ยท Posted at 01:27:33 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I administrate a discord server for my high school class. Moderators have the power to edit display names, mostly just so we can change xNoscopezx to display as John F.
One guy was being a dick for fun. His nickname has changed each day this week, ranging from "sparklepony" all the way to "3/5 of a person." His title (rank) is "Useless", created just for him. I plan on fixing it all Monday.
OprahsGooch ยท -2 points ยท Posted at 01:36:23 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Best comeback I ever heard was in the locker room my senior year of high school. I hear one kid insult the other kids mom to which he replies "Your moms dead shes never coming back". I quietly walked away trying not to piss myself.
Scrun0 ยท -2 points ยท Posted at 04:25:25 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
My boss to a smart-ass apprentice he was about to fire - you're a load that should have been swallowed.
JP193 ยท -2 points ยท Posted at 04:29:53 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
This isn't 'the best' but I kind of like it, plus it involves me.
In a Skype group I voiced how nobody talks enough.
Some dude who I didn't expect to respond said how he's just been out with his friends too much.
I mentioned how all his friends are younger than him since he has dissapointed everyone from his own year growing up (pretty much true) and ran out of people the same age to like him.
He left group, removed and blocked me on Skype, removed and blocked me on Steam, removed and blocked me on Facebook and said he was just about to talk to his friends.
He then started texting my friends like "haha isn't he such a dick, talk to me instead" and they all ignored him and laughed off how he would expect to raise some sort of weird uprising against me.
Still not the best but I love how bloody 0-100 that was, he has never said to me again even when I've seen him in the real world, to this day.
DunK-B-M4D ยท -2 points ยท Posted at 05:28:50 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
In maths class like 8 years ago some absolute scrub of a kid asked the teacher for the time (classic noob move) and the teacher only went and replied with "time you got a WATCH". AHAHAHA What an ABSOLUTE madman. R.I.P in rip m9
Booner999 ยท -7 points ยท Posted at 19:52:22 on September 16, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
"When a guy says GO MAKE ME A SANDWICH, what's a good comeback? He's sexist, and I'm trying to be witty. Any good comebacks?"
Best Answer: Well, you better comeback with a goddamn sandwich!
banzaizach ยท -3 points ยท Posted at 21:19:51 on September 16, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I told my 13 year old brother to shut up and be said:
"I don't shut up I grow up, and when I look at you I throw up"
AreTheyAllThrowAways ยท -3 points ยท Posted at 00:06:25 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
If I wanted my cum back I would have wiped it off your mom's chin... Heard this one from a coworker who introduced me to Reddit. He said it after I mocked him with his own come back he had used previously. Guy was always spitting fire... Mad a respect if you read this Tan you a boss!
DjTooDank ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 01:03:39 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Hey, its me, Tan
AreTheyAllThrowAways ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:04:25 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Are you a Tan or the Tan?
Schizoforenzic ยท -2 points ยท Posted at 00:35:00 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
It was me.
You know how some girls will say "aww, you're cute!" in the way where they imagine that you're some adorable miniature dachshund puppy whining, hopping around in its puppy cage?
So, hot girl, to me: "Awww, you're cute."
"Yeah well, my dick's not cute."
ShadNuke ยท -3 points ยท Posted at 07:55:58 on September 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
When I used facts and logic in an argument with a Liberal. My life was threatened, and they said they would kill my entire family, all the way down, and up!!