[deleted] ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 17:14:38 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
This reminds me of a morning where I was super hungover, and we were at a Dennys in a hotel, waiting in the lobby. A waitress came out into the lobby and said "Mary?". To which I responded with "Marry? But we only just met!". She didn't find it as funny as I did though :(.
Had a friend who's last name was tanner and she had these tan boots she loved wearing. So anytime I'd wear boots she'd always say that she had a pair but they're TANNER than yours
Spwaaa ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:08:25 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
My name is also Tanner. I'm the drum major of our marching band, so we always compare tan lines at some point. This joke has gotten very old, very fast. I won't stop.
I have been doing something similar when some one complements my facial hair:
"Yea, I don't know how I felt about it at first... but it's definitely growing on me." I proceed to give them the biggest stupidest grin they have ever seen, properly accompanied by finger guns.
arleban ยท 12 points ยท Posted at 15:12:34 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
The finger guns totally make it. I love it! It's like completely committing to the role.
If you did that in my circle, the next thing said after your finger guns would be "GET DOWN MR. PRESIDENT!" followed by a dog pile on the person you were pointing at
[deleted] ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 13:52:14 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
cgsdawgs ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 01:33:41 on August 22, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
She just kinda laughed a little and walked away because I was howling. I would have completely lost it if she said something like: "don't lie, I helped you with that"
I work at Starbucks and my name is spelled weird, so at LEAST once a day, someone will comment saying they like it. I tried this one and end up having to explain it far too often. It only works if you say it to someone clever.
[deleted] ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 09:22:26 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
tfw people tell me I have a nice name but I can't use this line because I got it changed to that.
[deleted] ยท 8 points ยท Posted at 09:37:06 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Shoulda done it on your birthday so you could have confusing conversations later
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:36:58 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
"thanks, I picked it out myself!"
DDbanana ยท 8 points ยท Posted at 07:27:18 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
My last name is what some consider "cool." Everyone says, "What a cool last name." To which I reply,
"Thanks I tried really hard."
NotKay ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 01:41:03 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I have a job where I am frequently on the phone with customers and I use this A LOT. Most people don't get it, and just fumble around uncomfortably for a second until I steer the conversation elsewhere!
I should do this. I have a super unique name so people are constantly saying they love it. It would make me feel less awkward to make a joke out of it.
bdyelm ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 08:54:43 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
"Thanks, it was to commemorate a holiday" - Quaden
My dentist's room number in the building she worked in was 230. She never knew the joke until I pointed it out to her, and it was all by coincidence.
arleban ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 15:22:54 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
A place I used to work previously did random drug tests. It was a manual pee in a cup with a little band that would change colors if it detected anything. Anyway, it was during the iCraze and was named iCup. I was working with HR one day and laughed because spelled out it said I see you pee. They didn't realize it until I said something either.
Annie_M ยท 53 points ยท Posted at 05:40:51 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
My husband wakes up at 2:30 for work sometimes and when I ask him "What time are you getting up?c he'll just respond "dentist time"
[deleted] ยท -1 points ยท Posted at 14:01:52 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I was back home from college on winter break a couple years ago, and my mom had scheduled me a dentist appointment. At dinner I asked when it was, and of course, 2:30. She was the only one in the family who didn't get why that was funny.
I'm a server myself but I'm totally copping this if the opportunity arises whenever I go out.
Abadatha ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 17:36:02 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Me too. As a long time food service guy that's fucking gold.
[deleted] ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 16:17:44 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Because you never set them up. Whenever I go in an elevator with a guy in there to push to buttons for you I always say, how's the elevator business treating you? 50% they say, it has it's ups and it's downs.
Scrolled and scrolled this one got me good legitimate lol
LoboDolo ยท 10 points ยท Posted at 03:56:10 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I worked at a restaurant as a foodrunner. We served Chicken Broccoli Ziti so sometimes the guest would ask for grated cheese, or I would offer it to them. It's supposed to be freshly grated, so we grate the cheese right in front of them. And while I'm doing it, I always hear things along the lines of "You're going to be here all day." To which I reply, "That's alright, I get paid by the hour." Every. Time.
I like when they say "sorry about your wait". It gives me the chance to look offended and say "my weight is non of your business do you call all you customers fat"
This one's all in the delivery, if you look confused, and maybe a little dismissive, it would play very well.
"Pff, hardly worth fighting over"
[deleted] ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 12:53:08 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)*
[deleted]
HAVOC34 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:59:56 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I've also used the following once or twice before:
Me: "I'll have the steak."
Server: "How would you like that cooked?"
Me: "Yes, that would be great!"
When I used to cook for a living one of my friends would tell the waitresses " if you keep looking at me people are going to start talking"
He was the king of one liners around that place
HAVOC34 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 04:42:15 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Some servers will offer to have your food wrapped or boxed to go. Certain servers will word it just right and ask if you "want a box for that." Sometimes it sounds like, "wanna box," as in boxing. Then comes the lame response. It's hard to understand if you're not a dad or if you've never seen a Leslie Nielsen movie.
A thesaurus is a book that groups words together that mean similar things. Since his thesaurus is so bad, it can't even help him think of another word that means terrible. So he just used terrible twice.
Yeah, the stolen thesaurus versions were a little bit funnier.
daffas ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 11:06:09 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I think the others are wrong. I think it's better said aloud. As in reading the first terrible as tear able.
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:08:30 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
This isn't a lame joke.
Vdawgp ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 04:44:00 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
The hospital will provide dictionaries, bring a thesaurus
ep1032 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 08:13:12 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
People always tell me you cant change the second amendment. Of course you can! Its called an amendment... see what most of you really need isnt a constitution, its a thesaurus. And if you don't know what a thesaurus is, try a dictionary, and work your way forward
Once I accidentally accepted that same compliment at a hair salon. I had my head back (getting my hair washed) and couldn't see I wasn't the one being spoken to. I was like 12 at the time and still haven't gotten over it.
[deleted] ยท 12 points ยท Posted at 10:08:58 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)*
and since that day, you haven't been to hair salon
I love to wave at people who are clearly waving at the person behind me.
teh_tg ยท 7 points ยท Posted at 01:44:12 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Whenever somebody says "you're fine" and mean "you're OK with what you're trying to do", say "Thank you; most women [or men if it's a guy] say that too".
I do this accidentally all the time and then quietly retreat in shame. I also frequently say "Good how are you" when somebody else gets asked how they are going. I am not socially good at things.
I went travelling and during a stop in San Francisco all the homeless dudes would constantly say good morning and cat call etc the two girls I was travelling with. My fave was that they would always say 'hey how are you doing' and my friends, ever friendly, would say 'good thanks how are you?' And they would reply something like 'good now you're walking by' (creepy, I know) but I would always turn around and say 'aw thanks!'
Luckily they would chuckle, I was always worried they might not take the joke
03fb ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 13:55:17 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
J.D?
Longtton ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:19:05 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
One of my best friends (who is a girl with long blacl hair) and me (a guy with blue hair) were walking and a girl says i love your hair. We both turned around at the same time and said thank you then looked at eachother and burst out laughing.
Well it's a bit like what happens in a "controversial opinion" or "underrated movie" thread, right. The ones that are actually funny will tend to be upvoted more while genuinely lame ones will tend to languish at the bottom.
MrGMinor ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 13:31:16 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
This is very true. I guess I should check the bottom for the truly lame ones.
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 07:11:39 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I've seen that joke photoshopped with minions around it and posted on various Facebook pages. To a lot of redditors it's fairly old and overused.
idog73 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 04:24:27 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
That's not funny, my grandpa died in a concentration camp! ... he was drunk and fell off the watchtower.
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:19:22 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)*
If I ever get real rich, I hope I'm not real mean to poor people, like I am
now. -- Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey
Whenever you read a good book, it's like the author is right there, in the
room, talking to you, which is why I don't like to read good books.
-- Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 20:27:55 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
RiOrius ยท 20 points ยท Posted at 04:30:39 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
In elementary school my best friend gave me an epi-pen. It seemed really important to him that I have it, so I've kept it all this time. I really miss him :(
Good think you held onto it. Those things are worth a lot these days
mushperv ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 04:04:44 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Why is this making me laugh so hard? So fucking dumb.
Sk8r115 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 04:34:16 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I've told this joke to one of my friends many many times for years. he can probably tell when I'm about to say it cause I start laughing and struggle to get it out long before I ever say it.
I'm keeping this one. I might be able to use it on a guy I'm dating, and I'd he laughs, he's a keeper.
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 12:21:14 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
This one has never worked for me. They asked for the birthday, not the birthdate.
lburtonr ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 12:38:02 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
This is such an oldie, I'm surprised by the fact that Hot Fuzz is your reference source
[deleted] ยท 2462 points ยท Posted at 22:16:32 on August 20, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
My name is Mark. Often at work people will say to me, "I've got a question, Mark." To which I'll respond, "That's great, I've got an exclamation point."
Also, sometimes people will need to get a book from upstairs and say, "I need to get a book, Mark." I'll tell them that we have bookmarks right here."
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:43:33 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
That's great, I've got an exclamation point. Wait,shit.
[deleted] ยท 312 points ยท Posted at 01:57:00 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Another Mark here; When I was a child it took me forever to learn the word bookmark as I was told "this is a bookmark" but I heard "this is a book, Mark"
One joke I make when in someone else's house on their couch is to say "there is a mark on your couch!" and grin widely as they look for stains.
[deleted] ยท 12 points ยท Posted at 11:57:29 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I will sometime respond to, "That left a mark," or "That's gonna leave a Mark," with "My parents left a Mark."
[deleted] ยท 14 points ยท Posted at 14:42:43 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
My parents left a Mark
I was abandoned by my parents so this doubly works.
My name is Belle, when ever our door bell went my mother used to take great delight in shouting "door bell" or "door Belle" I forget which one it was now - anyway she used to find it hilarious.
07sev ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 14:42:16 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Haha i do something similar except I'll answer with "answer, daily double!" and then make the jeopardy noise.
My Chinese girlfriend tells me that this is not a Chinese name terrible joke zero out of 10 would not tell again
Jennica ยท 3121 points ยท Posted at 20:03:33 on August 20, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Tapping someone's shoulder but being on the other side of them
[deleted] ยท 751 points ยท Posted at 02:05:14 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
This happened to me enough growing up that my brain is broken and now when someone taps my shoulder, I automatically look over my other one. Most people do not do the ol' shoulder tap switcharoo, and I look like a fucking moron looking over the wrong shoulder.
CoolAppz ยท 10 points ยท Posted at 03:57:41 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
an uncle of mine used to pinch the ankle of a person from behind at the same time imitating a dog barking, causing a lot of people to jump freaked out... hahaha
OhioMegi ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 01:28:52 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I enjoy the classic side butt kick while walking next to someone.
[deleted] ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 05:05:14 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
This and "time for you to get a watch" are my go-to shitty jokes
I do this so much for over a decade now that my friends all look to the other side already, so recently I started tapping on the correct side to get them and it works.
jlenney1 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 05:24:03 on August 22, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Classic Jennica
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:55:29 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
There's that one friend of mine that does it to everyone and instictively turn on the side hes at just to spite him
walking in a line of 3 and tapping the shoulder when you're on their side. the oldest trick now has a twist >:D
Vicous ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 06:26:39 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Holy shit, I enjoy doing this too much. I also like asking for a highfive and they go for it but I just pull away like I wasn't even going to do it in the first place.
I've gotten into the habit of doing this to a new friend at grad school...I think he may be getting annoyed of it. Of course, that means I can't just stop now. :D
I do this to the point where my friends have gotten used to turning the other way so I'll tap them on the right shoulder and they'll turn the wrong way and I'll just look at them as if they're insane. It's amazing.
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 10:10:29 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I did this heaps last year. It came to a great end when one of my friends who I did it to a lot ended up swearing at a teacher because she had done it to her. My top accomplishment.
cmnights ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 12:14:08 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
i once did a penta shoulder tap with my friends at the arcade while another friend saw me do it, they all looked the wrong way :D
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 13:02:37 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I get my friends at the bar with this like once a month. Enough so they still don't catch it 90% of the time, but not enough that it's lame or annoying
Don't do this to the wrong person tho. Had a friend who did this to a stranger, and the guy called the cops. Took him to the cop shop and told him he could get charged with battery. Sad, sad world we live in folks.
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:48:55 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I have a friend who always falls for this and I never get tired of doing it to her.
Fya415 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 20:54:58 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
High school janitor used to do this as he pushed a broom down the hallways. Scarred me.
xauronx ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:31:35 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Oh man, this is the biggest signal that I don't want to hang out with a new person. I don't know why but this makes me cringe. It's the equivalent to bunny ears. It was funny exactly once in 3rd grade and should have stayed there.
THIS. My husband says this all the time and its drives me nuts. I'm worried I may sustain retinal damage from how hard I roll my eyes at him when he does.
Just ask him what the plot is and make him stop using the joke. He will get frustrated cause he won't get to use his dad joke, and you get the satisfaction of knowing he didn't get to use his joke.
[deleted] ยท 14 points ยท Posted at 02:51:54 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
โIt's the main events of a movie as created by the writer and portrayed by the director through the actorsโ performances. How've you watched all these movies and not even known that!?โ
Similarly when people say something like "how long was the train?", I reply "oh, about 30-40 metres". Doesn't happen nearly as much as I like because most normal people say journey / trip instead of just <vehicle>
ds2600 ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 13:23:22 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I had to do some work in a medium security prison for approximately 10 hours straight. I was working in a 20x15 room. You can see where this is going.
As one of the staff was escorting me out at the end of the day, I looked at him straight in the face and said "thank god the day is over, it's like a prison in there". He didn't think it was funny. :-/
cctdad ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 08:38:11 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
When I was a kid I mowed the grass at the cemetery. My dad told people that I had a job with hundreds of people under me.
Jwwinter ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 08:39:41 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Keanu Reeves and two hot chicks.
gurun5740 ยท 1717 points ยท Posted at 20:03:25 on August 20, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
A pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel on his pants and the bartender goes hey what's with the steering wheel and the pirate goes arghhhh it be driving me nuts.
A pirate walks into a bar with a paper towel stuck to his forehead, and orders a drink. The bartender passes the drink and says "so what's up with the paper towel?"
The pirate replies "Yaaaar! There be a Bounty on me head!"
twinfyre ยท 24 points ยท Posted at 07:59:32 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Apparently Procter and Gamble sold the rights to another company with an agreement that they would have to change the name of the product due to the fact they were going to continue to sell product in the United States. So I imagine the new company (Svenska Cellulosa Aktiebolaget) was trying to not change it drastically.
What? You can buy it online now. Also, i didn't know pirates liked electronica... i thought they were more into like sea shanties and maybe hair metal fir the dangly earrings.
Rakuall ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 03:36:02 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
what non-pirate/irish would say driving me nuts? For everything else the pun, and therefore the whole joke makes no sense.
"What's with the steering wheel?" "Oh that? It's driving my nuts"
bobfootm ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 08:19:56 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I actually got to use this. I use a wheelchair, and needed a new front wheel. I got one and went down to maintenance (at work) to ask for help putting it on. Naturally, it was on my lap, and someone actually asked what it was. "It's a wheel - it's driving me nuts!"
A black pirate walks into a bar wth a parrot on his shoulder. The bartender says, "that's amazing. Where'd you get it?" The parrot says, "they're all over in Africa."
[deleted] ยท -12 points ยท Posted at 21:55:55 on August 20, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
[deleted] ยท 8 points ยท Posted at 10:37:58 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)*
[removed]
sanekats ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 14:44:16 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
no he's viscous
Vicous ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 17:02:37 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
No he's viscosity.
sanekats ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:13:08 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
no
Vicous ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 17:04:20 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
My name originated from the word "Vicious", but over time I simplified it to "Vic-o-us" because it was unique and sounded cool to me. So you're wrong but you're also correct. ;D
RVBY1977 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 14:10:26 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I always go:
Bless you
2 times (in my best Wyclef impression)
OK now you're just being greedy
My old manager used to say "Bless me, you can go to Hell"
Kepui ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 11:30:47 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
sneeze
Bless you!
sneeze
A pox upon you!
[deleted] ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 02:29:46 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
The buffs don't stack.
MidDan ยท 8 points ยท Posted at 04:47:46 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)*
In China you can say ็พๅฒ which means a hundred years (like, of health), so if someone sneezes again I just increase the number of years by a factor of ten.
You can also say ๆไบบๆณไฝ which means someone misses you, so after the first time I just start saying the pets of random celebrities miss you.
My mother always sneezes three times. Three shall be the number she shall sneeze, and the number of the sneezing shall be three. Four shalt she not sneeze, neither sneeze she two, excepting that she then proceed to three. Five is right out.
[deleted] ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 05:15:27 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I used to play a priest in wow whenever someone on centrally sneezed I would stop doing what e er it was I was supposed to be doing just to cast fortitude on them
Tomloes ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 01:16:00 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
My 7th grade History teacher ranted to us about people who sneeze multiple times.
"IM NOT GONNA SAY 'GOD BLESS YOU' MULTIPLE TIMES."
He was legitimately upset.
I have a co worker who chews tobacco. He always says "I need a chew . So I always say "bless you" and then he says "what are you taking about"
corylew ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 09:50:41 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
When I know a friend is going to keep sneezing I just lay on the "shut up! Stop! Be quiet!" Between sneezes. I also teach elementary school and when someone starts sneezing I yell at them for talking in class.
Alerion ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 10:50:38 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Dad: sneezes
Me: Bless you!
Dad: You're welcome.
Took me a second to figure out what was going on there the first time around.
Tridian ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 12:25:39 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
After one or two times of "Bless you!" my family switches to "Stop that!"
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 04:14:19 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I'm bilingual and learning a third language, so I like to switch until I run out of languages, then just yell, "STOP IT" to the next one. My dad has really intense sneezing fits sometimes
ep1032 ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 08:21:39 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
A friend of mine trained himself to sneeze the wod gazuntheit. Never failed to make people do a triple take, was absurd / hilarious
I realized it makes perfect sense because the important words are exactly the same. But there is another level to it. It is playing with this german-language-stereotype that you can just invent new words... Just like that. german-language-stereotype. One word.
Adarain ยท 133 points ยท Posted at 01:50:08 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I mean you can do the same thing in English, it's just that for some reason, unlike all the other Germanic languages, in English one usually puts spaces. But
"Lebensversicherungsablaufdatum" and the english equivalent "life insurance expiration date" (yea I kinda ran out of ideas) are constructed in the exact same manner and both are pronounced like single words (only one fully stressed syllable, for example).
Additionally, in English, you can treat an entire sentence as a word for compounding, such as in "I don't like his English-has-no-compound-words attitude"
Yeah, people always talk about how German is special for being a legoblockslanguage, but English definitely has the same wordmaking thing as well. It's usually the separated-by-dashes kind, just because English grammarlaw demands it, but these aren't the only made-up-on-the-fly words that happen and they're certainly just as real as German's supermassive compound words.
[deleted] ยท 67 points ยท Posted at 02:55:27 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
It's almost like contemporary English had a strong German influence or somethingโฆ
cowzroc ยท 14 points ยท Posted at 12:18:54 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Actually, German grammar recommends using dashes at some point as well. Those crazy long words that you read about are grammatically correct, but not recommended.
That's actually REALLY good as "the elephant in the room" is an expression used for a large problem that nobody is talking about. So an irrelephant would be the opposite of that.
An old man goes to his doctor for the results of his annual checkup. The doctor comes in, looking very solemn, and says, "I'm afraid I have some bad news - you have cancer and Alzheimer's."
The old man looks relieved and replies, "Thank god I don't have cancer!"
Zenechai ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 01:32:48 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I had to change this to "short term memory loss" when I reposted it on Facebook.
Still one of the funniest damn things I've ever heard.
When people come to my pizza shop and order food to go but say they will be right back to pick it up; I always let them know that's fine, we will wait here for you. Most people don't get it or think it's dumb but for that one old lady I'm pretty sure it made her day.
I constantly do this to waiters when they say "I'll be right back with your ___."
My wife hates when I do this and some times says it before I can and gives me a "what now, bitch?!" look. The servers seem to enjoy it if they are listening... Because I'm the customer and they have to.
No damn it the joke is I'm paid to be there. The store isn't going anywhere so it's just stating the obvious because they just did the same to me. I don't give a shit if you order and pay for a pizza and never come back to get it that's your deal. So telling me you will be right back is just as obvious as me saying we will wait here for you.
When someone asks if I got a haircut when I obviously did, I reply with "nah, new wig"
Nahoj-N ยท 93 points ยท Posted at 22:47:16 on August 20, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Here in The Netherlands, people will ask you if "you've fallen down the stairs" when you got a new haircut. I still don't understand the connection between losing hair and falling down the stairs..
Adarain ยท 54 points ยท Posted at 01:42:48 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
You've got it nice, in my school we had a ritual where if you got a haircut everyone had one attempt to slap you on the neck.
So is it more like saying they have an extreme version of bedhead, or is it saying they must've fallen down the stairs and hit their head before asking for the haircut?
Enig idee misschien in welk deel van Nederland dit gebruikt wordt? In Amsterdam heb ik het nog nooit gehoord... En als Amsterdammer kom ik uiteraard zelden buiten de ring.
Nahoj-N ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 14:11:42 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Het zou inderdaad goed kunnen dat het voornamelijk in het Noorden van het land wordt gebruikt. Ik woon zelf in Friesland en het wordt hier (helaas) iets te vaak gebruikt.
Alirius ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 13:12:37 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Never heard that before.
Sauce: am dutch
Nahoj-N ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 13:56:13 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
"Hey, do you know how when birds fly in a v formation sometimes one side of the v is longer? Ever wondered why that is? It's because there's more birds on that side."
4x49ers ยท 333 points ยท Posted at 05:08:55 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I always heard it simpler.
(Looking up at birds flying in a V)
You know why that side is longer?
Why?
There's more birds on that side.
The joke works better when there's birds in the sky regardless. Otherwise your audience will be like "why are they bringing up bird formatio- omg no not another dad joke"
4x49ers ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 06:08:53 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I guess I've never lived somewhere that didn't have very many birds. I've got enough dad jokes I don't need to create a set up, they are available in all situations lol.
I made the mistake of saying this one to my friends. They thought it was really funny, and say it every time a word ends in er. Even if it doesn't make any sense.
This may be the joke that I've become most associated with over the years
This also included sending postcards that just said "I don't even know her" from The Excalibur and Luxor casinos in Vegas and Barringer Meteor Crater in Arizona.
Moved to a new neighborhood from an apartment complex. Go to connect to the wifi for the the first time. Most of the people here are old as balls but sure enough there's a wifi network called "Router? I hardly know her"
When you say a word ending in -er, it sort of sounds like you're saying -verb- her. So you can make it into a sexual innuendo.
If we're using the fluster example, it sounds like you're saying flust her. Flust is a nonsense word, like many terms used to say "having sex" without saying "having sex."
So we have flust her. but this hypothetical woman is a stranger to the joke teller. So "Flust her? I hardly know her." would mean "have sex with this random woman? But we aren't acquainted."
Do you happen to be a 5 year old kindergartner? When I was student-teaching, there was a kid who told me this same fucking joke 29 times in a row. He didn't even get it, he just kept laughing and asking it over and over again. He ended up asking shit like "What do you call a wall with no eyes? A FSH!" Every single time I had to give a pity laugh to make this kid feel good about his shitty joke. Every. Single. Time.
What's the difference between a dirty bus stop and a lobster with breast implants?
One is a crusty bus station and the other is a busty crustacean
GenoKeno ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:49:02 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
If you had second thoughts about booking some time at a Native American community, you'd be having a reservation reservation reservation!
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:40:20 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
One cutting edge aquarium saved a lot of money when its owner discovered a means to make the dolphins live forever -- since the dolphins never died, no money needed to be spent on buying new ones. Extending the dolphins' lives required putting a special mixture into their food; one of the ingredients was baby sea gull meat. So one day, one of the workers was sent to the beach to find some. On the way back, baby sea gulls in hand, he had to pass through a forest. In the middle of the path was a sleeping lion. He very carefully stepped over it, only to be handcuffed by a policeman.
"Officer," he said, "what's going on?"
"You're under arrest," said the policeman.
"But why?" he asked.
The policeman replied, "For transporting young gulls across sedate lions for immortal porpoises."
MTeson ยท 1469 points ยท Posted at 00:11:33 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
You ever hear the one about the Mexican magician?
(Don't worry it's not racist)
So the Mexican magician says, "I'm gonna disappear on the count of three," so he goes "Uno, dos..." And then he VANISHED....without a tres.
[deleted] ยท 556 points ยท Posted at 02:08:56 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I imagine when you tell this joke you include the (don't worry it's not racist) part.
That IS racist though! You don't think Spanish, Cuban, Guatemalan, Honduran, El Salvadorian, Costa rican, Nicaraguan, Panamaian, Colombian, Venezuelan, Ecuadorian, Peruvian, Bolivian, Chilean, Argentinian, Paraguayan, Uruguayan or Equatorial Guinean magicians are worth as much as Mexican ones, huh!?
MTeson ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 13:01:35 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
You can do it with all this nationalities though, I had it as a Mexican because the kid who told it to be is Mexican.
There's a substitute at my high school that tells this joke to every class he subs for regardless of how many people in the class have had him as a sub before
[deleted] ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 12:35:03 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I turned my dad onto this one a few years ago and he is uses it all the time. And I love it.
Two muffins were baking in the oven. One turned to the other and said "hot enough in here for ya?" The other turned to him and said "Ahhhh!!! A talking muffin!!"
Whenever I hear sirens in the distance I come to a dead stop, look around, and say "Shit! They found me!". Unless I'm driving, then I speed up instead of stop.
J_FROm ยท 86 points ยท Posted at 00:29:43 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Whenever I hear sirens, or a helicopter, or some other ridiculous vehicle I say "Excuse me, guys. My ride is here."
Sometimes when someone is in a hurry, another person will say "geez, where's the fire?" As if they were rushing to save someone or put out a fire. The joke is that firetrucks are literally rushing to a fire.
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 06:49:58 on August 22, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
That blue paint is a spy!
Wumer ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 10:40:17 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
My friend's entire family are scientists. This is from him: What's red and smells like blue paint? Blue paint approaching very fast.
The Doppler effect shortens the light coming off of approaching objects, making them appear redder than usual. The faster the approach, the redder they seem.
[deleted] ยท 202 points ยท Posted at 22:14:28 on August 20, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Not me, but my grandpa used to always say "This pen can write in any color!" Then he would ask me what color I wanted then write it down with words.
I know a Tony who sometimes just points at his toes and then his knees when someone asks his name... except sometimes he fucks up and points at his knee first.
Those signs are oddly polite in my area--they say "END ROAD WORK THANK YOU". Every time I see one I always think that they would make the most ineffectual protest sign ever.
TrainAss ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 00:44:01 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Oh so you've heard of Chief Falling Rock? He was this infamous Indian Chief roaming the hills and mountains of America for years. He would wait in ambush and send boulders careening off of cliff faces to smash unwary travelers below, hence why you see so many warning signs.
You may have also heard of his brother, Chief Left Turns? You've got to watch out for them.
"Please watch for time-traveling pedestrians from the 50's"
"Car geese ahead!"
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 12:29:11 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I saw a "Watch for children" sign on the way to work once. There was a creepy guy wearing a trenchcoat underneath, possibly a pedophile. He was holding a watch.
If they take the bait they will say knock knock. You then say who's there and stare at them expectantly while they feel uncomfortable. Works well in all occasions.
txkx ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:44:02 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
My roommate showed me this, it's one of my favorites
lolis5 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:06:55 on August 22, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I have a pretty good success rate with this one. I word it a little differently.
Me:"Hey, I heard a really great knock knock joke this weekend."
The Mark:<really skeptical>"Yeah?"
Me:"Trust me, It's good..."
The Mark:"Okay, what is it?"
Me:"Alright, you start"
The Mark:"Knock knock"
Me:"Who's there?"
<long, awkward silence before the mark realizes they've been had>
I'll see a dude on the news or whatever and I'll say "hey I know that guy. He owes me 20 bucks." My wife always laughs a little. It's stupid as hell. I got it from Dogma where Rufus says Jesus owes him money.
Argalad ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 17:26:00 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
This is so dumb and funny yet it's sometimes so hard to come up with a good joke.
Oh thank god. I thought I was SUPPOSED to understand that but was too dumb. Well, that might still be the case, but not understanding a pop culture reference is s better excuse.
I think people at work are finally noticing I've been working out.
Whenever I walk away I can hear someone say "what an ass."
Bwbowe ยท 7 points ยท Posted at 22:53:30 on August 20, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
There's a restaurant where I live that has "fancy ass coleslaw" on the menu, and I proceeded to ask the waitress, "what's so fancy about the ass coleslaw". She was not amused.
oli59 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 22:24:44 on August 20, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
That's a big ass joke!
Wigwarm ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 05:30:53 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
"But fuckin..."
"Butt fucking!? Come on, this isn't the time or place for that conversation"
I tried this joke on my dad who is a farmer. His response was a John Deere tractor, a Steiger tractor, or a Kawasaki dirt bike. The punch line just felt so stupid after that. I have never seen an anti-joke so thoroughly destroyed.
Primer81 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:24:31 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I laughed so hard at this
[deleted] ยท 135 points ยท Posted at 23:14:10 on August 20, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Any time someone says, "I'm hungry," I say, "Hi Hungry, my name's Graham!" extremely loudly and enthusiastically. My wife HATES it.
When some one asks me what time it is i usually say oh yea lemme look on my phone and stick my hand in my pocket and pull it out extending the middle finger
I used to do this, but with the phrase "sorry, i dont smoke". It started out when we'd all be out having a smoke and someone would ask for a lighter, and it was funny then, but it soon evolved into an answer to questions like: "can i borrow pen?" and "wanna go out for dinner?" Lols were had.
I was probably 10 or 11 and at an amusement park, in a time before cell phones. I'd wandered off with the kids of my dad's then girlfriend, and I was told to meet somewhere at a specific time. Of course I had no watch, and this was a time before cell phones, so I politely asked a man wearing a watch if he knew the time. Guy was probably in his late 30s, early 40s, and decided that "time for you to get a watch" was an appropriate response to a 10 year old who politely asked him what time it was.
Fuck that guy, I hope he lost his watch on a rollercoaster.
Guess where?
Chickens don't fly.
Did I do it right?
AfriQ ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 00:42:44 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Taste like lizard
Chicken gizzard.
NdidNdid ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 05:18:39 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
My kids (ages 8 & under) have enough of me in them that once they learn this response they will use it forever.
Do you know how often kids that age say "guess what?" They say it a lot. A whole lot. Even after 7 years of them talking, I still have to stop myself from saying "chicken butt" every time.
theSeanO ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:19:19 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I even do this when my friend texts me "Guess what". I can feel her eyes rolling through the phone.
Fav time I've used this, I think, was to a friend that had said "I regret this decision, not because it's heavy, but because it's bulky and restricts my leg movement"
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 11:20:40 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
My friends and I use this so much that we've developed a 'shorthand' for it - we make a popping sound instead, that way we can keep up a facade of maturity.
[deleted] ยท 39 points ยท Posted at 04:56:48 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Whenever someone says "Let us go." (IE: "Let's go" without abbreviation.) I always reply with "Cabbage stays here." I've been telling that joke for thirty years and nobody's laughed
They paint their testicles red and hide in the apple tree. (Think about it; have you ever seen an elephant in an apple tree? That's because they're really good at it!)
-eDgAR- ยท 45 points ยท Posted at 22:30:19 on August 20, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
One hot summer day on Sesame Street, Bert and Ernie are sitting outside on the stoop of their apartment. Bert turns to Ernie and says, "Hey Ernie, want to get some ice cream?" Ernie replies, "Sure Bert."
Any time someone comments about something not working, or them being unable to do something, I find myself compelled to ask "Have you tried harder?" or rather to simply say "Try harder."
This has been going for ~10 years now, I'm pretty sure I will never stop.
tazUK ยท 18 points ยท Posted at 20:44:34 on August 20, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Q: Do you want some trifle?
A: Just a trifle.
It was my maternal grandfather's joke at every family Christmas / Easter evening meal. I've kept going with it as tribute to the man who used to play sword fight with 6 / 7 year old me using my plastic pirate swords until his health failed him.
My maternal grandma's favorite Christmas joke is "not a creature was stirring, not even a mouse stirred." She tells it every year, but most of us laugh because we find it hilarious that a woman her age still laughs at a turd joke.
the man who used to play sword fight with 6 / 7 year old me
I thought this was going somewhere else, for a second there...
D45_B053 ยท 19 points ยท Posted at 00:23:11 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Anytime I see a "no weapons allowed" sign, I tell whoever I'm with that I can't go into that store. When they ask why, I pull my sleeve up and say "They won't let me in with THESE GUNS!".
[deleted] ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 04:02:25 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Are you a vet? Because these pythons are SICK! flexes
D45_B053 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 04:09:13 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Somebody call a vet! These puppies are SICK! flex
Kundobro ยท 10 points ยท Posted at 20:21:34 on August 20, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Knock knock.
Who's there?
Shamp.
Shamp who?
Wait for laughter and eye rolls...
[deleted] ยท 10 points ยท Posted at 00:36:58 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Whenever someone says I'm late I always say it's not mine
[deleted] ยท 9 points ยท Posted at 03:56:16 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I have a string of eggcellent puns that I will never stop using. sometimes i get the order all scrambled, but its devilishly hard to keep them in the right order. I swear, all my friends have poached my puns, but I try to keep my sunny side up about it, and tend to let it blow over easy.
notepad7 ยท 10 points ยท Posted at 05:05:59 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
When someone says "Hey" I always response with "Hay is for horses and you're a jackass."
rilekit ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 01:44:07 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
My mom used to say that all the time, and my stepdad told me I should respond with "but better for cows. Do you want some?" I tried it once. Didn't go over well.
Question: "Why did the chicken stop in the middle of the road?"
Answer: "So she could really lay it on the line."
softero ยท 8 points ยท Posted at 04:13:45 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
My dad once while walking down a trail picked up a log and said "I can turn this log into a dragon." No one believed him, so he started pulling it along and said "See? Now it's a'draggin'!"
I use it all the time. You can turn anything into a dragon. Except French fries. Those turn into dragon fries.
My name is Max. Sometimes, when I say the word 'max' I replace it with 'me', such as: "I pushed it to the me". It is yet to get a laugh, but I'm not stopping.
xyz66 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 11:38:29 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Because Six hasn't been the same since he left Vietnam. Every time he closes his eyes, he's sees Charlie hiding in the darkness of the forest. Not that you could ever see those bastards, mind you. They were fast and they knew their way around the jungle. He remembers the looks on the boy's faces when they walked into that village and... oh Jesus. He shouldn't think about that now. Sometimes he still hears Tex's slow southern drawl. He remembers the smell of Brooklyn's cigarettes. He always had a pack of Luckys. But the boys are gone now... he knows that. It's--it's just that he forgets sometimes. And sometimes the way that seven looks at him, it makes him think. Sets him on edge. And he feels like he's back there, in the jungle, in the darkness, alone.
Seven also has a hook for a hand as well, which is very scary.
When passing by a field of cows, "did you know those are award winning cows?". "what really?". "yeah they're out standing (outstanding) in their field!"
mima42 ยท 9 points ยท Posted at 23:34:05 on August 20, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
You know when you look at the sky and see those birds flying in a V shape and one side is always longer than the other side. Do you know why that is?
More birds on that side.
[deleted] ยท 12 points ยท Posted at 21:15:34 on August 20, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Can I ask you a question?
(fart)
[deleted] ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 03:34:43 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Man goes to doctor. Says keeps having nightmare. Dreams he turns into teepee. Then he turns into wigwam. Then he turns into teepee. Then he turns into wigwam. Doctor says, "I know your problem. You're two tents."
A friend of my stepbrother's tied a potato to the front of his belt for Halloween at school. When people asked him what he was supposed to be that was his answer. Surprisingly he never got in trouble.
I work in an Emergency Department and my go to dad joke is always...
"Do you know how we tell the difference between the oral and rectal thermometers? The taste is a dead give away."
[deleted] ยท 8 points ยท Posted at 00:23:58 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
What's the difference between a wolf and a flee? A wolf howls in the Prairie and a flee prowls on the hairy
my name is Reid...too often when people ask me if I've read some book or article, my response is "I can't read"...It's usually an automatic response, now.
Grant692 ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 23:43:24 on August 20, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Whenever I'm in pain or something, I'll say "ughhhh I'm dying," and my girlfriend always says something to the effect of "shut up, you're not dying." Then I come back with "I am dying...slowly." She hates it every time. I say it whenever someone else says they're dying as well. I probably won't enjoy saying it as much in like 50 years, but I'm getting my laughs in while I can.
They had just built a new Walmart super center in my hometown, and it was a podunk enough place that the sales the first few weeks drew people from all over. Anyway, they had a new stoplight, and so the first time my grandma goes there she rear ends this guy at the intersection that is different from how she remembers. She was a very, I guess proper person, but she was still a little surprised when the driver of the car she hit got out. He was, small. And like I said, the town was small enough that everybody knew everybody, so it must have been like a double surprise for her. Anyway, this guy, do I say midget? I don't know what the pc word is, anyway he gets out and he walks over and taps on my grandmas window. She was so surprised she just sat there, hadn't gotten out or anything. Anyway, she rolls down the window, and he must see she is old and tries to calm himself down, he says to her, "lady, I am not happy"
I saw a black man carrying a giant tv on my way home and thought โThat one looks like mineโ. As i came home I was reliefed. He was still there cleaning my shoes.
Kroke86 ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 04:20:22 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Whenever someone says their pissed off I reply with "Well its better than being pissed on."
Whenever I'm checking out at a register, I put the divider to separate my purchases from the person in front of mine. When the cashier puts the divider away, I'll look at whomever I'm with and say
"I keep trying to buy that, and they always put it back!"
Cue eye roll and groans of annoyance from a successful joke, my husband is so sick of that joke but it's too good to me.
Every time my brother mentions any pokemon in the Rhyhorn family, I always bring up the fact that It can learn Surf... Because everybody needs a pokemon to Rhydon!
...It's been going on for years. He literally punches me now.
Not a joke, but a riddle; There are 3 men sitting in a boat. Each man has a cigarette but they have no way to light them. What do they do?
They throw one cigarette overboard and the whole boat becomes a cigarette lighter.
[deleted] ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 01:00:02 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I'm a septic pump driver. Anytime a customer says be careful of something or asks me a question i say "jeeez I've already taken enough of your crap". Gets em everytime. And i say to myself you've just been dad joked.
Dicks out for Harambe, and making up stories about how his passing affected our lives.
I'm sorry but the Facebook outrage and overly-emotional bullshit after that incident was fucking ridiculous, and I'll take any chance I get to mock those people.
[deleted] ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 04:00:13 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I was in a musicale where people age 5-18 could participate. One day the director called break and this adorable 6 year old saw me and my friends telling joke she walks over and says "Why couldn't the skeleton climb the mountain?" "Why sweetie?" "He didn't have the GUTS." We lost it and scared the little girl we laughed so hard. Every time I need safe joke to tell around kids I tell that one. Always gets a groan and I giggle like a retard.
When ever people mention poker, you bet your life I'll say "Poker? I don't even know'er". Actually, anything ending with -er.
I say it so much that if I'm talking about someone and that someone shows up, I can easily just randomly say "And I said 'Poker? I don't even know'er'" and they'll just think I'm being me. :)
Whenever I talk about something blatantly childish or from my childhood like the time my training wheel fell off I always finish with some way of making it sound like it was last week "yeah last week was ridiculous"
Whenever someone asks me "what's up? " I have to reply "the sky." It's not a choice anymore.
Asmor ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 04:48:55 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
This is my favorite joke, ever. And I always preface telling it by explaining that this is my favorite joke ever. Usually something like this:
Me: "Hey, you wanna hear my favorite joke ever?"
Other person: "Ok..."
Me: "What's purple and commutes?"
Other person: "... I don't know, what?"
Me: "An Abelian grape!"
Other person: "..."
Me: :D
I will the explain to them that an Abelian group is a group with the commutative property. And that will not make the joke any funnier to them, because I'm not just telling this joke to math geeks.
I still like to wedge my way into random groups by exclaiming, "And then I said, who the heck is this guy?" and pretending like I'm part of the group. It usually goes well. When it doesn't... It really doesn't
ryadical ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 05:03:43 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
BlankZF ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 06:38:16 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I'm Human Resources with a chain of grocery stores. I really enjoy telling the younger employees "Your smile is the most important part of your uniform!!"
Every time my husband and I go on a drive we often pass over creeks with names like 'Seven Mile Creek' and '12 Mile Creek' so without fail I ask "do you think it really goes for twelve miles?"
It's so stupid but it brings me so much joy and I don't know why. When I first started it I got a chuckle from my husband, it then moved into 'it's not funny anymore.' Of course I didn't stop so we reached 'for fuck sake, stop it, it's getting really old.' He has now resigned to the fact I will never stop and has joined forces with me and we do it to our kids.
The seven year old gets annoyed, "why would I know??! Stop being stupid." The five year old doesn't get it at all because he can't understand that miles is a unit of measurement and not just his name.
Oh my god, I named one of my kids after a long running terribly lame joke...
At the start of a class, when my students have finally settled down in their seats and gotten pretty quiet, I like to put on a serious expression and say:
"So - you're all probably wondering why I've invited you here today."
I swear, that never gets old.
rtjbg ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 16:22:46 on August 22, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I did that when I got in a full lift once, it bombshelled, but I thought it was hilarious
That's a perfect situation to use that line. I guess you need to work on your delivery. ;-)
rtjbg ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 16:35:26 on August 23, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Or know what level your audience is on (which is easier in a lift)
[deleted] ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 12:38:45 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Every time someone brings a bag of food in the elevator I say:
"Well if we get stuck, at least we got something to eat"
It's lame but i cant stop.
Red_Iine ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 12:55:05 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Whenever I piss off my SO and she says "Jesus Christ" or "oh god" I always respond "call me redline".
My father did it constantly growing up with "call me dad" and I've inherited the sacrilege. I find it insanely funny, and increasingly so with her anger levels
Why did the tomato blush?
Because he saw the salad dressing.
withatee ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 13:26:49 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I work at a cafe that has ice cream by the scoop. When I serve a tiny child I always give them a huge scoop (because fuck yeah) and say 'it's almost as big as you'. I'm too far down the rabbit hole now to stop.
Two penguins are paddling their canoe through the desert. One penguin says to the other "wears your paddle." And the other penguin responds "sure does."
Its funnier when you speak it because most people hear "where's your paddle?"
TYL3RL4 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 15:05:16 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Two muffins are in an oven. First muffin says, "It sure is hot in here". The second muffin says, "Holy shit! A talking muffin". My general manager told me that one.
Alkerino ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 15:16:41 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
What's the difference between snow-men and snow-women?
Snowballs.
[deleted] ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 15:16:45 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)*
"What is the difference between a tuna, a piano, and a stick of glue?"
"I don't know"
"You can tune a piano but you can't piano a tuna"
"..."
"Now what about the stick of glue?"
"What about it?"
"I knew you'd get stuck on that"
EDIT: Just remembered one an old coworker used to say. Everytime he'd hear a police siren: "There's my ride!"
"The one who survives from jumping down that building wins"
Three of them jumped at the same time.
Who won?
The Government won....
ieissler ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 16:57:30 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Oh my God, it smells like updog in here.
What's updog?
Not much. What's up with you?
(Credit to my best friend who will use this one to the day he dies.)
B3ags ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 17:04:44 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Person: Wow it's hot in here!
Me: Sorry should I leave???
ba dum tiss
Katnip37 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 17:05:56 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Okay so im a recovering drug addict. The first time i was in rehab my mom gave me a hard time for smoking a carton of cigs in oh about 3 days. So while she was chewing me out i stop her and reply with,"mom, you know whats worse than cigarettes? DRUGS." She was at a loss for words and couldnt argue my point. Since then i replace the word 'cigarettes' with just about anything in the world "you know whats worse than _____? DRUGS."
[deleted] ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 17:20:20 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
What do you call a lazy baby kangaroo?
A pouch potato....
So two fish are in a tank, one looks to the other and asks "hey do you know how to drive this thing?"
What do you call a deer with no eyes?
no eye deer
What do you call a deer with no eyes and no legs?
Still have no eye deer
What do you call a deer with no eyes, no legs and no genitalia?
Still have no fucking eye deer
This will probably get buried but my friends and I invented something called 'chinning'. We would sneak behind someone we know and rest our chin on their shoulder while making a kiss noise with our lips. To a person that never had that done to them before, it feels just like a kiss on the shoulder. The reactions are priceless
Tipping whatever hat I'm wearing (I tend to wear flat caps and newsboys because I'm a dirty hipster) and saying "m'lady" to any girl I'm friends with. Some get it, some don't. But I crack myself up.
After telling people their total at the check-out, they'll hand me bills, I'll ask if they have 6 cents or whatever (to keep them from getting a crap load of change back), while they're digging I'll say, "oh, I'm sure you have plenty of cents! Ha ha!" there are people who laugh and people who look at me stupid. Either way I'm entertained.
washimus ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:12:39 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
You know what I like about deja vu jokes? They're reusable. Most jokes, if you tell them three or four times, they start to get old, but deja vu jokes just keep getting funnier and funnier! (Repeat after about five minutes, our whenever there's a lull in the conversation, or when the subject comes up, or when your wife stops wanting to strangle you)
why do seagulls fly over the sea. cuz if they flew over the bay they'd be baygulls.
Also,
A pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel down the front of his pants. The bartender asks 'Ain't that uncomfortable?' The Pirate says 'Arrrrgh its driving me nuts!'
Rampaij ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:42:59 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Someone: "What time is it?"
Me: "Time to get a watch."
I say it to our guests at Target. I love it so much.
When im in my girlfriends way, shes say 'move!'... and then i wiggle like a worm or do a funny dance. She always eye rolls and then pushes me out of her way. She doesnt laugh and sometimea gets mad, but ill never stop.
ezaharko ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:43:35 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Every single time someone asks me what time it is, I always respond by looking at my wrist, looking back at them, and saying "Time to get a watch!" Everyone hates it and that's why I love it
Whenever my boyfriend says 'fuck you' I will reply with some variation of 'ok, what position?' or 'you just did'. For some reason he doesn't think I'm funny.
TehChid ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:53:30 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
What is the difference between roast beef and pea soup?
You can roast beef, but you can't pee soup.
Seriously the only joke I can think of when someone asks for a joke
If Mama Cass had shared that ham sandwich with Karen Carpenter, they might both still be alive.
WehrWulf ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:54:33 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
The story of the "one armed fisherman." You basically fabricate an epic fishing story and at the end you say "he caught a fish this big." Then put one arm behind your back and put the other out like you are showing the size of something.
I ask a friend or coworker, "How are you today?" or , "How's it goin'". When they answer with something generic or lame like, "Pretty good" or, "Not bad", I slide in a quick, "Bullshit" and an overly suspicious or 'very not interested' look (depending on the person and answer), before they can reciprocate with a, "How about you?". Gets 'em everytime
As I wheel my patient back to their recovery area after their cardiac cath, doped up and unable to move too much, I sometimes say to the family, "Hey, I found this guy/lady trying to run out the back door, does he/she belong to you?" They usually chuckle, because they're happy to see their loved one safe and sound, and my lame-ass joke relieves some tension. We also ask them, as we shave their groins pre-op, "Do you want a heart shape, or just your initials?" Of course, we don't joke that way with everyone, you have to follow the patient/family's lead, so just the folks who are already making their own silly jokes to alleviate their nerves :-)
Whenever anyone says anything about brakes (on a car, bike, whatever) not quite working properly or needing to be inspected, I say "well, you know, brakes just slow you down, man."
The other one says, "HOLY SHIT! YOU'RE A TALKING MUFFIN!"
Komlz ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:15:50 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Whenever someone cuts me off or starts talking to someone else I like to whisper "OK maybe later" as a joke. My friends stopped laughing at this joke a long time ago.
Baysed ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:16:10 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
not necessarily a joke but when I am hanging out with someone or a group of people and we are about to disperse I always say "lets make like newborns and head out". The first time I say it to someone new it gets a laugh... but after that people just role their eyes.
Almost every time I cook I grab a pair of tongs, bend over and ask ' hey, hey....is my tong showing." Pretty sure I got my ex of five years with that one.
I lived in Alaska for a while. Before all this discovery channel, Sarah Palin, survivalist, deadliest catch, ice road truckers blah blah blah stuff was going on, Alaska had a strict reputation for being a frozen dog sledding wasteland that was apparently dark half the year, and was populated with like 30 men for every 1 woman (men DO far outweigh women, but not by that much). So something I would hear especially from the older men was, "Hey, are there still women in Alaska??" and my reply was always, "Not anymore... I left." urrrrhurhurhur.
dumb, but somehow hilarious in my mind.
Walk out of the room, during the countdown. Walk back in, "Hey! I haven't seen you all year."
Also, being a skinny guy, my new year's resolution is always "lose weight" to tease everyone.
There is always that person who is like "Oh, I don't have resolutions, because only 2% of resolutions actually succeed." Then I would have the resolution of "Survive the new year or the year" and "succeed at a resolution," just to be apart of the 2%
Three guys walking down the street see what appears to be dog poop. The first guy leans in, "Sure looks like dog poop." Second guys leans in closer, "Sure smells like dog poop." Third guys picks it up and squishes in through his fingers, "Sure feels like dog poop,.. gee, good thing we didn't step in it!"
Where did Napoleon keep his armies? In his sleevies! (Sorry not sorry)
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:52:26 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I recently had my gallbladder removed. Whenever people ask me how I'm doing I always say "I would say I'm back to 100% but I guess I can only get up to around 98% now."
I got a lifetime ban for peeing in my neighbourhood swimming pool. I said to the life guard "but all the little kids do it!"
Life guards reply "yeah but not off the diving board!"
So, a while back, I came up with this joke, which went something like this:
Person A: Hey, do you like fish sticks?
Person B: Yeah, I love fish sticks
Person A: Do you like putting fish sticks in your mouth?
Person B: Yeah, I love putting fish sticks in my mouth.
Person A: What are you, a gay fish?
(For those who don't get it, it's supposed to sound like 'fish dicks.')
It was the god damn funniest joke I had ever concocted - it's a shame that fatass Eric took the credit for it.
I told this joke to my friends everyday for months: "What do you call an alligator in a vest? An investigator." It's silly and groan-inducing, but I like it.
Have you ever heard of the Greek warrior Bophades? He was similar to Achilles, who had one weak spot. Like Achilles' heel, have you ever heard of Bophades nuts?
I have a friend who's always late. This has gone on for decades.
For the last couple years, when I meet up with her, usually I'm a minute late or so, and she's 5-10 minutes late, or more. When she finally arrives, I approach her, very serious and contrite, and say: "Listen, I'm really really sorry... but I was a minute late today. I'm going to try so much harder in the future to be on time. It's only fair to you."
It annoys her a lot. In a fun way, I think.
Nosoku ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:04:54 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
What's brown and sticky?
.....A stick!
SirAlexH ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:05:27 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Person: I'm X
Me: Hi X, I'm Alex!
Classic.
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:05:47 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
My boyfriend is Sikh and a doctor. When he texts me and says he's at the hospital, I like to ask "Are you sick? Or Sikh?" And he replies "Both!" So lame, I try not to overuse it but it's too easy.
Whenever someone compliments my clothing, I say, "Thanks, I stole it from a donation bin." Sometimes people think I'm serious and think I'm horrible, but I can't stop saying it.
"People are just dying to get into there" while passing a cemetary. Part of it is in memorial to a deceased family friend who was fond of corny jokes and puns and ALWAYS said that when passing a cemetary.
Fun fact....on the way to his funeral we passed a cemetary, and yes. I heard his voice saying.....I died to get into there.
Iโm Rick Harrison and this is my pawn shop. I work here with my old man and my son, Big Hoss, and in 23 years Iโve learned one thing. You never know what is gonna come through that door.
Me: Why are you going to run there when you have your car?
I love it even more when they say they are going to either "run in to town real quick" or to "get gas" as I can then ask why they are getting gas without their car, or why they aren't taking their car if time is of the essence.
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:28:55 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Girlfriend: I'm hungry
Me: Hi hungry im kiteeatingtree62 nice to meet you.
What's Mario's favorite brand of receiver.... Denon denon denon
Slovien ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:30:42 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I am a math teacher and whenever a student tells me they're cold I tell them to stand in the corner. When they look at me with a lost look on their face I tell them its because the corner is 90 degrees.
ezzerby ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:30:44 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Have you ever seen Japan And New Zealand in the same room?
Whenever someone starts a question with the word How, even if they're not directing it towards me, I answer with 'easily'. I don't know why but it always cracks me up and I've been doing it since high school so it's kinda a force of habit at this point.
Anytime on a long road trip that we pass hay bales on the side of the road I yell "woah HAY!" And point. Gets the attention of everyone in the car and they don't know what all the fuss is about until they see the hay. They hayte me.
So, these two penguins are talking a shower. One penguin turns to the other and says "hey, do you want a spoon?" The other penguin says "no thanks, I don't have a toaster "
It's not funny, there is no punchline, but I absolutely lose my shit every time I try to tell it.
rock4854 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:47:45 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I'm gonna give you all night to knock it off some more!
I have a Spacex T-shirt I like to wear that just says "Spacex" on the front. Whenever people ask about it or bring attention to it I always say, "yeah, she used to be my Space wife.." Nobody has gotten it without explaining yet.
2 muffins are in an oven. One looks at the other and says "is it me, or is it hot in here?" The other one looks at him and yells "Holy shit! A talking muffin!"
dpower11 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 04:13:11 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
As a Canadian if someone says "Take 'er easy." I usually reply with "If she's easy take her twice."
Verpous ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 04:22:35 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Whenever I'm at a restaurant with my family, my mom asks if she can leave a tip through her credit card. If the answer is yes, she says how much to charge her for everything. So, say a meal cost $40, she'd ask something like "can I leave a tip using credit?" (translated to English) and if the answer is yes, she says "Ok, then $45." To which I respond "Wow, that's a big tip!"
Shitty joke past the first time, but it makes me chuckle.
If one of my friends in my circle is talking about someone, one of us will always go ,"Who?" And then, they will try to repeat their name, and get interrupted by when we say, "Cares!"
When a counter person asks for "cheque, savings or credit?" I say "savings, more like spendings."
Now, I work behind a counter myself and I hate this joke to pieces. So immediately after, I put on a stupid voice and say "har har har, I'm a customer, look how funny and original I am."
The follow up joke usually gets a decent laugh out of them.
What's orange, lives underground and isn't a carrot?
...
I lied it is a carrot!
Duo34 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 04:37:12 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
If anyone offers me anything that I don't want (Another piece of cake, a chicken wing, a seat, etc.) I will respond with "No thanks, I gotta drive" Regardless of if I plan on driving or not.
Whenever anyone asks what time it is, my girlfriend, without missing a beat, yells "SUMMER TIME. IT'S OUR VACATION." I didn't get it the first time but it's from High School Musical 2, and now I know more of that song than I ever wanted to. It's gone on for five years.
kaenneth ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 04:42:05 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I tried to buy perfume from a vending machine, but it was out of odor.
Literally everytime my credit card goes through, I say "I guess they haven't figured out that I can't pay them back yet". Haven't got a positive reaction yet and not a chance that I'm gonna stop.
XdaPrime ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 04:42:33 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
When I was in the seventh grade, my teacher told this really long and terrible joke about two guys lost in the woods. They eventually run through their supplies except one last piece of meat, but they have nothing to cut it with. They agree that the fair way to split it was for each to hold an end in their teeth and pull, and whatever they got, they got. The entire dialog of the joke is in a very affected accent, though I can't remember which one. So they put the meat in their mouths, and one asks (while pretending to be holding something in teeth), "are ya reeady??" And the other responds, "yah!!!"
Terrible joke that has never left my head and forced me to respond always to the question with an oddly accented emphasized "Yah!!" but never want to explain why.
Every time I am with my dad, if someone says "how cool is that" or any variant of how something is something, he always says, "Idk, what are my choices?". I don't think he will ever stop.
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 04:55:07 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
When my daughter says "I'm hungry" I always reply with "nice to meet you hungry, I'm dad"
Me7a1hed ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 04:55:27 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
When I used to have a beard, people would sometimes compliment me on it. My response was always "thanks, it took a while, but it started to grow on me, so I kept it."
My favorite beer is a local beer that isn't exactly known for its quality. My Grandma always used to make fun of me for drinking it. "You know, itsandrock, drinking [beer] is a lot like sex in a canoe: fucking near water."
QABJAB ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:12:41 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
What does a lawyer wear to court?
A LAWSUIT!
I have said that joke to almost everyone I've talked to for more than a few hours. It's really good to use when I want to break the tension of a room. Because of the timing of the joke once I say it in a dead silent room makes everyone go nuts.
Anytime someone says something like "I hate my fucking job", I'll respond and say "well there's your problem, you should have just gotten a regular job." They get so frustrated.
iLL_Cobi ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:16:10 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
What's the difference between a lentil and a chickpea?
I wouldn't pay $200 to have a lentil on my face
Glumlor ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:16:48 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Man walks into a bar. Second man walks into a bar. Third man ducks.
A man runs into a doctors office screaming I'm a teepee, I'm a wigwam, I'm a teepee, I'm a wigwam! The doctor looks at him and says relax man you're two tents
narco113 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:18:22 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
A family checks into a hotel, and the concierge overhears the father say "I hope the porn is disabled". The concierge responds with "No, it's just regular porn, you sick fuck."
A man and a giraffe walk into a bar, giraffe lays down to take a nap. Bartender says "oi, what's that lyin there?" Man goes "it's not a lion, it's a giraffe"
Every time someone asks what I want to drink I will say "Water please. Fresh water, none of that frozen shit." Its from Mrs Brown's Boys and only a few people have laughed so far.
What's green and has wheels? Grass, i lied about the wheels. Also one i think i heard on here... This weekend i bought a dog from a blacksmith... as soon as i got it in the house it made a bolt for the door.
Bondon48 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:45:50 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Their was an episode of The Regular show where a character confused the your mom joke with my mom and the whole episode he roasts his peers with my mom jokes.
Working construction, I had an obnoxious co-worker who was always making the 'Your mom" remarks. One day, I did something similar, I just agreed with him. Blew his mind. His whole comeback system had been thrown aloof. He gave up using it around me.
"It's hot as balls out here."
"Your mom's hot as balls."
"I bet she is, probably hotter, she lives in FL, weather's worse there."
"What?"
I also started answering 'I suppose' every time he asked if I wanted to stop at a gas station. He'd get upset and shout WELL, DO YOU WANNA STOP OR NOT??!!
douko ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:56:32 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
My girlfriend left me because of my obsession with The Monkees. At first I thought she was joking- Then I saw her face...
Me and my friends love watching shitty movies together, like, troll 2 level of bad. And when we watch them, we sort of Ho MST3K on the movie and making snide comments here and there throughout.
My favorite joke that always comes into play, is during a sort of big reveal scene in the movie. Usually when someone is holding something unseen in their hands, and the camera won't reveal the item, it just shows a shot of the person holding whatever item.
And every time this comes up I just go
"OMNOMNOMNOMNOM" and make eating motions into my hand, mocking the character and whatever McGuffin they're holding at the time.
Late to the party but seriously every time I hear a car alarm in public I make sure to notify everyone around me someone's car is being stolen and to call the cops immediately.
This will get buried, but have I got a story about lame jokes. So I would always go to my cousins house on weekends. It was easy because he lived near me and it let mom get us out of the house so she could do mom shit. We were inseparable, and we were always playing, doing kid shit, ya know? Anyway, he always had an affinity for jokes. I swear, this fucking kid couldn't tell a joke to save his life. There was one he always fucking told every fucking time I saw him. He'd say "how much does a polar bear pay for ice?" And I'd begrudgingly say "how much?" And he'd say "about tree fiddy." Now, it was about that time tha I realized that it wasn't my cousin, but a giant crustacean from the Paleozoic era. That God damn loch mess monster had gotten me again.
Fcuc ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 06:07:46 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
What do you call a bunch of white guys sitting on a bench?
What's the difference between a rolling stone and a Scotsman? The Rolling Stone says "Hey you, get off my cloud." The Scotsman says "Hey McCloud, get off my ewe!"
When someone starts singing I ask them who sings that song. They answer and I say lets keep it that way. My favourite and one of the only things I remember about high school, thanks Mr P!
sarkie ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 06:27:10 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
When ever someone asks what time it is I instinctively answer "hammer time".
Please help I can't stop
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 06:34:00 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
"Did nazi that one coming." It is the shittiest plague that leaves my mouth, but anything that comes out of my mouth after those words, is infinitely better on comparison.
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 06:34:43 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
"Hey, you wanna know the best icebreaker? No, no, wait, it's the worst icebreaker."
Lull them into a false sense of security.
"THE TITANIC"
Vicous ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 06:35:27 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Whenever somebody mentions being hard of hearing, or says something about somebody who's deaf, or talks about how loud somebody was talking, or ANYTHING like that, no matter how much of a stretch, I instantly say "what?"
Half the time they start to repeat themselves, the other half of the time they just เฒ _เฒ .
Any time my friends mention sushi:
"Mine always comes out under cooked."
I think I'm extra funny saying that because I'm a vegetarian and have never even tried sushi.
A truck driver pulls into a fuel station to fill up, accompanied by a large load of penguins in the back. "I have all these penguins, what should I do with them?!" Exclaims the driver.
The cashier suggests taking them to the zoo while putting through the transaction.
"What a brilliant idea!" Agrees the driver, and off they go to the zoo.
A week later the truck driver and penguins pull into the same fuel station, although this time all wearing bathers and sun hats. The same cashier is working and asks with a confusing look, "I thought you to took them to the zoo?"
The man responds, "I did take them to the zoo and they had a blast, so now I'm taking them to the beach."
FINE, I'll tell you a joke, how many tickles does it take to make an octopus laugh?
Ten tickles
jtd2013 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 07:18:03 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Them: "But, um"
Me: "Tss"
No one ever gets it but it makes me laugh.
Dr0n3r ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 07:18:25 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I ask someone if they've ever heard of Melinda May and then recite Shel Silverstein's poem to them as though it's a motivational speech.
"Have you heard of tiny Melinda Mae,
Who ate a monstrous whale?
She thought she could,
She said she would,
So she started in right at the tail.
And everyone said, "You're much too small,"
But that didn't bother Melinda at all.
She took little bites and she chewed very slow,
Just like a good girl should...
...And in eighty-nine years she ate that whale
Because she said she would!"
BlurAres ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 07:20:05 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Whenever someone asks me, "what time is it?"
I usually respond with, "same time as yesterday"
Two muffins were sitting in an oven. One turned to the other and said, "Man, it's hot in here!" And the other one said, "OHMYGOD! A TALKING MUFFIN!" (Shouting the last part is required.)
Simple. Ironic. Subverts social norms (not shouting randomly in a conversation) but in a fun way.
Not my joke personally, but my husband does this!
When we are cooking and I ask him to toast something, like "honey, can you toast the buns?" He'll always raise his glass and go "To the Buns!"
Bodie973 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 07:54:43 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Kid to his teacher: Miss, where do children come from?
Teacher: A fairy comes and gives a child to the one you marry.
Kid: Alright, then who would I screw, fairy or the wife?
I work in a grocery store so I have quite a few grocery puns. My favorite is when I find random berries on the floor. I pick them up, walk up to an unsuspecting victim worthy of the pun, and casually ask, "Hey, did I tell you the joke about the raspberry and the strawberry?" The usual answer is "no...?" and I just hand them the berries and say, "Well it was BERRY PUNNY!"
Runner up: "-sees a customer is buying a leek- That's a pretty big leek. I'd call a plumber and get that checked out."
Not really a joke, but whenever someone says something where an acceptable response would be a simple "Good", I will instead respond by saying "Gouda", wait a few seconds and then say "Like the cheese".
JuanDiek ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 08:45:42 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
When I was a kid, every time we would get in the car and the dashboard would light up with "door ajar", my step dad would always say "Damn thing must be broken. It keeps saying my door is a jar." Every god damn time.
There once was a farmer. He had a dog by his side, and two horses. And one horse's name was Razzle, and one's name was Dazzle. And one day, the farmer decided that they would race. And the farmer raised his starting gun โย bang!
And it was, Razzle-Dazzle-Razzle-Dazzle-Razzle-Dazzle-Razzle-Dazzle-Razzle, by a nose!
And it just so happened that the head of the county fair was there. He said, "You know, you oughta enter those horses of yours in the county fair." And the farmer said, "You know, I might just do that."
And he did! And the head of the fair raised his starting gun โย bang! And it was, Razzle-Dazzle-Razzle-Dazzle-Razzle-Dazzle-Razzle-Dazzle-Razzle, by a nose!
And it just so happened that the head of the state fair was there. He said, "You know, you oughta enter those horses of yours in the state fair." And the farmer said, "You know, I might just do that."
And he did! And the head of the fair raised his starting gun โย bang! And it was, Razzle-Dazzle-Razzle-Dazzle-Razzle-Dazzle-Razzle-Dazzle-Razzle, by a nose!
And it just so happened that the head of the national fair was there. He said, "You know, you oughta enter those horses of yours in the national fair." And the farmer said, "You know, I might just do that."
And he did! And the head of the fair raised his starting gun โย bang! And it was, Razzle-Dazzle-Razzle-Dazzle-Razzle-Dazzle-Razzle-Dazzle-Razzle, by a nose!
And it just so happened that the head of the world fair was there. He said, "You know, you oughta enter those horses of yours in the world fair." And the farmer said, "You know, I might just do that."
And he did! And the head of the fair raised his starting gun โย bang! And it was, Razzle-Dazzle-Razzle-Dazzle-Razzle-Dazzle-Razzle-Dazzle-Razzle, by a nose!
And it just so happened that the head of the solar system fair was there. The Martian said, "[You know, you oughta enter those horses of yours in the solar system fair.]"(translated) And the farmer said, "You know, I might just do that."
And he did! And the head of the fair raised his starting phaser โย pew! And it was, Razzle-Dazzle-Razzle-Dazzle-Razzle-Dazzle-Razzle-Dazzle-Razzle, by a nose!
And it just so happened that the head of the galaxy fair was there. He said, "You know, you oughta enter those horses of yours in the galaxy fair." And the farmer said, "Nope. I'm gonna go home."
And he did. And he grew old and died, dog still by his side, horses still grazing in the field like usual. And one day, while grazing in the field, Razzle looked at Dazzle, and Dazzle looked at Razzle.
Razzle said, "You know, in all those races you never beat me. Not once."
Dazzle said, "Yup."
Razzle asked, "Want to have one more race? For old times' sake?"
Dazzle said, "Yup."
And they were about to race. They lined up at the starting line, ready to run, but they couldn't find anyone to fire the starting gun! They looked around, to maybe find a passerby or something to fire the gun, when the dog trotted up to them.
"I can fire the gun," the dog said.
And Razzle looked at Dazzle, and Dazzle looked at Razzle, and said, "Look! A talking dog!"
Whenever I order a steak and the server asks how I would like it cooked I lock eyes and as straight faced as possible say "On the grill, please". Don't break the eye contact.
GDMNW ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 09:23:27 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
"Only on Wednesdays"
When someone compliments an aspect of my character - can't decide if it's funnier on Wednesday or not.
Never plan on saying it, just comes out. Sometimes gets a laugh, more often than not it gets a confused look and a polite 'hah'.
I like to cook for large groups of people, so when they say, "hmm, the food smells/looks delicious," I reply with "thanks, you too." It started as a joke reply as I'm not really good with compliments, but now I mainly do it for the awkward stare I receive back.
I always drink water with my meals at restaurants. Near the end of the meal, if the server asks me if I want a refill I always respond with, "No thanks, I'm driving." It has a greater than 90% success rate.
My GF is quite small, not circus small but just 5ft 2 or something. However, whenever we go out to eat anywhere and they say 'table for 2' I always say '1 and a half'.
It's just a 'thing' now and she's chuckle if the joke just doesn't go over at all, like no reaction but I kind of 'win' if it gets any kind of decent laugh or even a smile
What's a monkey's favorite Christmas song?
A: Jungle Bells.
What type of book is this book about forces?
A: It is a non-friction book
What do you call an old snowman?
A: Water
What is the cross-between an ape and a human?
A: You
Now my friend hates me, gg.
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 11:29:14 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Wife: I'll put the kettle/dishwasher/washing machine on
I'm a good actor. I can use my lifelong traits for acting out parts.
Being antsy and overall uneasy due to awkward situations? No sweat.
Playing the part of a guy who can't make up his mind for hours on end? No sweat.
Walking right out of a gymnasium after a workout or a sauna? No can do. No sweat.
(Everyone calls this one the worst joke they've ever heard. I think it's the finest one I can come up with on my own.)
Xyzar ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 11:39:37 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
-"what's the clock?"
-"An invention"
It doesn't translate from swedish that well. But I have used it for the last 7 years and my friends goes crazy and want to kill me every time. So worth it
An English prisoner of war was held by the Germans. The Englishman was shot all over the place, and okay until one day when the German told him, โEnglander,your arm is infected with gangrene vee must cut it off.โ
The English prisoner said, โWell, okay, but could you drop it over England when you go bombing?โ
The German replied, โYa, that vill not be a problem.โ
A few weeks later the German tells the Englishman that they have to cut his other arm off. The Englishman says, โWell, could drop it over England like you did last time?โ
โYa, that vill be done,โ says the German.
The next day the German tells him that they have to cut his leg off. Once again the Brit says, โWell, could you do the same as before?โ
The German replies, โVhy, ya.โ
The next the German tells him they have to cut his other leg. โWell,โ begins the Brit, โcould you just...โ
The German snapped, โNo! We think you are trying to escape!โ
aj9427 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 11:45:00 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
"yeah it was pretty intense."
"bit like camping, hey?"
Whenever I make dinner reservations for my group I use as my last name "Sirch" or "Havanaugh" so when the wait staff calls out for us it's, "Sirch, party of four or Havanaugh, party of six!"
My friend's love being part of my search party...
RyJM ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 11:51:30 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Whenever I am in a shop or restaurant and I have had to wait for any period of time and the server says "sorry for your wait" my response is "it's ok, it's not your fault I can't diet"...gets me every time.
There's this phrase in Assyrian "Yama'd Latla Ishta" which literally translates to beach (or sea) with no end but basically means hell and is used in a aggressive way to essentially tell someone to fuck off when they ask about a place.
So anyways whenever someone asks me in Assyrian where something is/where they wanna go or anything location based really I say "Bekhshawan iten kha Yama" which means "well I think there's a beach...". The first few times i would end it with "that has no end" but I've used it so much everyone instantly knows I'm being a complete fuckwit.
Anyways I'm sure no ones gonna fucking read this but i already typed the essay so I'ma post it, essay.
Bit late to the party but there's a town in New South Wales Australia called Broken Hill. Will never stop asking my mate who's from there if they've fixed it yet
Responding to anyone who says "fuck me" with "maybe later" "no thanks" ana "what here?"
Generally to piss of one of my mates, but its automatically in my mind whenever I here it.
Whenever I'm looking for my keys/wallet/whatever, and I ask my gf "have you seen my keys", as soon as I find them I follow it up with "never mind, I'll use these ones instead". Every. Damn. Time
ekobeko ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 12:07:50 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Whenever we come to a stop sign to a one way street, I always ask my boyfriend if it is clear his way....he stopped answering me and one time I didn't go because i kept telling him I couldn't see...
When I got someone so irritated by me and they yelled at me what are you doing a**hole.
Computer Engineering you idiot.
And now they are more pissed at me
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 13:56:02 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Every time I go to the zoo, I have to use the line, "Precious and few are the moments we toucans share."
Every time my 9 and 11yo daughters ask "Daddy, you know what?", I reply with "Chicken butt?"
Their reactions started with a giggle in response, then eye rolling, now they just completely ignore it and continue their story.
Our family name is the translation to "wet" in our language. So whenever I meet someone who has been out in the rain and tells me they are wet, I tell them "Me too".
In my family we make a point to do family dinners when possible. We have a big meal then all just sit there and talk for awhile with full bellies before clearing off the table. Almost every time, my dad (just like his dad used to do) will wrap up the post meal conversation by saying "welp! Better clean up this mess so we can get dinner on the table!"
Whenever someone says anything related to hearing or noise in a conversation when my sister's boyfriend is around he always immediately interrupts with "what?".
jsesdock ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 14:39:24 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
When I'm in a car and we pass a field or something with hay in it I'll say, "Hayyyy." To which the person normally says, " Hey what's up?" Back to me. I then point to the bale of hay and say no, hay over there stupid. Also, nothing is wrong with an old skeleton joke. I legitimately still use them and people laugh at them because it's strange for a 24 year old man to say it. Why didn't the skeleton cross the road....? HE DIDN'T HAVE ANY GUTS!! Hehehehe
Anytime I walk through a shope with someone and we go into the cheese section, I always point at edam and and say "did you know edam is made backwards?" My flat mate liked that joke first time round, then I think he started to hate it for a while, so soon it should be getting really funny
royce416 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 14:53:35 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
It's all shits and giggles until someone giggles and shits.
If some one says me to "random question" before they can ask it I always say "random answer" and then proceed to say something random. Like spaghettios
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 14:55:50 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
"I'm off tomorrow."
"You're always a little off."
I just to it to see if my coworker will still laugh.
papafree ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 14:59:37 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
"I am so hungry, I haven't eaten since the last time I ate"
On the rare occasions I get a compliment on some physical aspect of my body I will always reply.
"Thanks, I grew it myself"
Jyxxe ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:01:17 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Its a little late for a response but still.
My favourite is when I'm at work, dealing with customers, and they apologise for taking so long. My response is always a laugh and a "Don't worry about me, take your time. I get paid by the hour anyways." The idea that I'm being paid to stand there and stare at someone who can't make up their minds never gets old.
Kighla ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:02:47 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Every morning my boyfriend wakes up extremely groggy and asks what time it is, and I respond with "Time to get a watch"
He hates it. He usually responds with "I'm going to fucking kill you, just tell me the time" to which I usually respond "Iiiiiiiiiiiiiit's 7 o'Time to get a watch"
Every time someone asks me "How are you?" or "How's it going?" I say, "Well...?" and leave it at that. They generally expect something to follow like "Things are OK" or "I'm doing alright". It creates a fun awkward silence, which just escalates if you can keep a straight face.
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:20:44 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I wait for New Years.
"Hey [Coworker], I haven't seen you since last year!"
I've got a yearly tubing trip that I go on with friends. Inevitably, at some point, an unopened beer will get dropped or fall out of cooler and float away. Every time I scream "WILSONNNNNNN!!!!!!!!" line the scene in Cast Away where Tom Hanks tragically loses his volleyball. I think it's comedic gold. No one ever laughs....
Legion37 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:24:31 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Changing the hyphen in words ending in "-ass".
"That's a nice -ass car!"
"Nice ass-car?"
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:28:46 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Non-suspecting bystander: that is intense
Me: you know what else is in tents?
Still non-suspecting bystander: No, what?
Me: camping... (always with a stupid smile on my face)
HardR51 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:37:19 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Every time my grandpa and I would drive over train tracks, he would say "You know how I know a train came through here?.......because it left it's tracks. EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
I train education owls at a wildlife center, and one of the ones I work with is a one-eyed great horned owl. I'm constantly making the same stupid jokes:
"She's keeping her eye on you...just the one, though."
"Training is going well; she's so great!...and horned."
Plus as many owl puns as I can come up with. "Just gonna wing it," "she's so talon-ted," etc. I'm awful and should be ashamed of myself, but I'm just so amused by puns.
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:42:44 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
whenever I crack a lame joke, and someone comments "hey that's so lame", I'll go "yeahh I know. I broke my leg prior"
Whats the only thing wrong with that (insert Object)? Its not mine.
Ex. Whats wrong with that car over there? Its not mine.
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:06:09 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Did you get a hair cut?
No, I got them all cut! Then I wink and everybody groans, lmao.
tropod ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:06:47 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Them: What are you doing?
Me: I'm doing fine.
Them: I said WHAT are you doing.
Me: I heard what you said.
Xnense ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:07:57 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
My almost late sixties teacher has been using the same joke since he was 10. It goes like this, you tell someone you have a knock knock joke and have them start it. Then when you reply "who's there?" they are dumb founded and don't know what to say. I've been using it on people here and there myself now and I plan to do so for the rest of my life like he has.
SpuddyDK ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:24:27 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Whats the difference between snot and broccoli?
Kids don't eat broccoli.
Or
Two bats went looking for food, one returns with blood around his mouth. The other asks "why is you mouth all bloddy" and he replies "can you see that tree?" "Yeah." "well i couldn't.!"
Legownz ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:42:11 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I love telling the really lame nerd joke that my Physics teacher made. It was literally the first day of school and he was doing a demonstration with thermal expansion. So he had to take out this big laser and the cardboard box it was in had the words "Death Ray" written on the side of it in Sharpie.
Laughed my ass off in the back of the class and no one else understood why.
If someone in the office says 'Jesus Christ' or 'Dear God' etc. I'll pop my head out of my cubicle and answer as if they'd addressed me personally. Unfortunately there's now two or three of us who will do this a couple of times a week each so it's starting to get a bit old.
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:03:46 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I work at Pizza Hut and whenever someone comes to pick up an order, my boss says, "can you grab Michelle from the warmer?" I open up the warmer and go, "Michelle? You in here?" Gets a laugh a quarter of the time.
When encountering a two-word phrase that strikes me as funny, for example "Salty Snacks," I will just say 'I used to dance under the name ______ _____." It's a stupid joke.
I also still use "This is that party at Andy Dick's house all over again." on occasion, even though no one knows who the fuck Andy Dick is anymore.
A man asks a farmer near a field, โSorry sir, would you mind if I crossed your field instead of going around it? You see, I have to catch the 4:23 train.โ
The farmer says, โSure, go right ahead. And if my bull sees you, youโll even catch the 4:11 one.โ
What does the enterprise and toilet paper have in common?
They both circle Uranus getting rid of Klingons.
scora3 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:09:53 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
When opening a fortune cookie, "Help, I am trapped in a fortune cookie factory. " - one of my Dad's classics and I continue the tradition in his memory. Everytime.
(It was signed at Runnymede, and if memory serves the signatures are all over the document. But I tell it whenever I can. I'm a historian. I tell it a lot.)
When ever some I am talking to looses their train of thought and says "what was I saying?" I always reply
"You were Telling me all of your banking passwords and info"
Anytime i change the mannequins at my work, I take an arm, turn to whoever is working with me and say "need a hand?" then I take the head, turn to them again and say "dont get....ahead of yourself"
They laugh each time because its such a stupid joke
I use a quote from the Office that's one of my favorites but no ever chuckles at it. "Ahh, I feel weaker than yesterday. Like Benjamin Button in reverse."
Me: "Why did the turtle cross the road?"
Someone: "To get to the other side?"
Me: "Nope! To get to the Shell Station!"
Hahahahahahahgaahahahahahehekdjrowodk and
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:10:16 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Roses are red violets are purple im colorblind so fuck you
Math joke that no one thinks is funny or gets until I explain it but I still do it. "What's a really big number?" "What?" "7!" Said very enthusiasticly swinging my arm. Or "13!" If you really want to impress them.
I got a couple. I have a friend who's last name is Hurd so when ever two people are talking to each other and one says "I heard." I'll always say "No. HE Hurd. You Peter." Also my name is Kane and I love playing DND, Rifts and the like so the word arcane comes up alot and when it does I say "arcane what? Are Kane hungry? Happy? Sad?" Its funny to me and that's all that matters.
migali ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:34:42 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
"Diarrhea is genetic. It runs in your genes" - Last of Us
yodoggo3 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:38:27 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Jesus i'm late to this thread but a fun one is to say "A" like you're trying to get someones attention, then when they reply you continue with "B,C" ect.
Tolks4 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:39:53 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Driving over train tracks and look over to the passenger
"hey, do you know how I know a train has been through here?"
"No, how?"
"It left its tracks"
Engardia ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:41:06 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
All the time when I accidentally rhyme- "Wow! I'm a poet and didn't even realize!"
Gregrox ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:42:23 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
jlenney1 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:18:59 on August 22, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
When People ask where I got my tattoos (i've got alot of them), I look at them with a serious face and say "a tattoo shop" in a serious yet monotone voice
If I can't find a price tag on something, I always end up saying "this must be free!" Don't know why. I don't even think it's funny anymore and everyone I know has already heard it a zillion times. It's like a reflex.
When someone is singing, I ask who's song is that? After the reply, well let 'em sing it!
Lol
dashard ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 04:36:30 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Q "Why is a mouse when it runs?"
A "Because the higher it flies the much."
I used to tell this to my kids with the intro of "Wanna hear a joke?"
When they were little and clearly perplexed by not only the lack of humor but also language structure, I would make a show of explaining it, culminating with "maybe you'll get it when you're older."
My kids are 24, 21, 19 & 17 now and I'll still occasionally visit this idiocy. They humor me with an eye-roll or sad shake off the head. But the reaction to this one never fails to humor me.
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theefudgefactory ยท 3687 points ยท Posted at 01:27:13 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
My name is Tanner. Whenever people say they're tan, I always say "But I'm Tanner."
My friends hate me.
LobstersForHands ยท 747 points ยท Posted at 04:58:31 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Tanner? I barely know her.
ladafi ยท 191 points ยท Posted at 09:53:13 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
This is my boyfriend's favorite joke. Anything that ends with -er gets it... -_-
Caligapiscis ยท 42 points ยท Posted at 16:48:06 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Honourable mention:
dread_gabebo ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 18:38:20 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I make that joke every single time I can.
strumpster ยท 24 points ยท Posted at 10:25:52 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
My GF and I do this with everything, lol. Have you gotten to level two?
"PumpErNickle?! No WAY!"
[deleted] ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 15:41:50 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
[deleted]
CsprBzmr ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 15:52:59 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Let's say someone's name is "dunker". The joke is "dunker? I barely know her!", pronouncing it as "dunk 'er"
LGBTreecko ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 21:45:38 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Works better with something like "boner? I barely know her!"
CsprBzmr ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 22:03:28 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
LOL Dude yes, that's the one. I blacked out and just went with dunker what was wrong with me.
Koras ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 21:20:04 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
End in -er? I hardly know er!
ladafi ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 00:41:55 on August 22, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
That one's pretty good.
SansGray ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 15:11:13 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I hope your name ends in -er ;)
ladafi ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 18:28:07 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Lucky not.
Cl0wnbaby1991 ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 15:25:12 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Haha I got my friends to do this too! Ladder? I hardly know her
DontEvenKnowEr ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 17:23:40 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Gladiator?
LGBTreecko ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 21:45:51 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Even the obvious one, boner?
not_taylorswift ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:05:57 on August 22, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
As is mine. I feel your pain.
Swingingsticks ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 14:11:39 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Flounder! I barely know her! Ohhhh (flicks cigarette)
[deleted] ยท 8 points ยท Posted at 06:11:36 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Reaper? I barely know her.
killallthejuice999 ยท 13 points ยท Posted at 08:02:56 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
DIE, DIE, DIE.
electrobeam ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 12:09:05 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
But, here's the thing, heroes never die.
EvilCheesecake ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 08:32:25 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
ew
325madison ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 12:45:49 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Damn near killed her
ThingAMajobbly ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 13:01:32 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Tbh i had forgottanner entirely
Uninteresting_Person ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 15:09:40 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Tanner? You tanner, you brought her.
[deleted] ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 17:14:38 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
This reminds me of a morning where I was super hungover, and we were at a Dennys in a hotel, waiting in the lobby. A waitress came out into the lobby and said "Mary?". To which I responded with "Marry? But we only just met!". She didn't find it as funny as I did though :(.
TheSchaffernoth ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 18:54:30 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Harrassment? Her ass meant nothing to me
bender927 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 04:56:00 on September 24, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I lol'd.
gbredman ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:17:20 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Tanning salons hate him because of this one cool trick!
iamasquarewatermelon ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 22:55:00 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Super fun in marching band
"Okay, back to the opener!"
somewhere in percussion "but I barely know her!"
annoyingone ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 14:29:10 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Your friends should stop tanning so they lighten up.
too_many_toasters ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 09:45:28 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Wow hey, another Tanner! We should make a club.
[deleted] ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 09:29:53 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
That's basically the opposite of "friends"
DigitalShadow360 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 12:22:58 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Is your first name Karl?
Kbost92 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:51:12 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
No but mine is.
PM_ME_STEAM_C0DES_ ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:21:48 on August 22, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Mine isn't!
robbie0630 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 14:41:08 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I know a Tanner and he's chalk white. I'd love to see him use that one.
iopihop ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 15:10:04 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Haahhahaha
yooossshhii ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 18:44:39 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Hey, I love your name!
tdub2112 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 20:28:10 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
As a fellow Tanner, I too love this joke.
CertifiedCoffeeDrunk ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 04:31:36 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
5 easy steps to get hated by your friends! Find out how hete! You'll never believe number 4!
svennnn ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 11:35:19 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Doesn't work in the UK. We say tanned as we consider it a past tense verb. Americans talk about it as an adjective.
aenemyrums ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 14:15:23 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
It also doesn't work because no one's called Tanner in the UK.
reubenlowde ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 14:26:51 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
thats what i was trying to figure out while reading the original... doesnt work here
perdipp ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 09:50:08 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
tan experts hate him
tyutyut42 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 12:34:25 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
you're a fookin' legend aren't you?
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:03:00 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
My brother's name is tanner!
ICPosse8 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:04:41 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Similarly my name is Mason and whenever someone talks about their son as in "My son.." I just look at them weird and say "But.. I'm Mason."
comic_serif ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 15:25:55 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
That's a rather odd way of pronouncing "Mason" though, isn't it?
ICPosse8 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:01:04 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Suppose it depends on what your natural dialect sounds like. I'm almost positive Mason sounds like My Son out of at least a few folks mouths!
CatPatronus ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:53:39 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Had a friend who's last name was tanner and she had these tan boots she loved wearing. So anytime I'd wear boots she'd always say that she had a pair but they're TANNER than yours
PaperScale ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:55:03 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
My wife's name is tanner, and I use that with her all the time.
Platinumdogshit ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:08:35 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I have a friend named hope, whenever I run into her I say " I've/we've found hope!" And if she disappears we say " I've/we've lost hope!"
balrogwarrior ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:19:56 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Hi Tanner, I'm dad.
OneDayAsALannister ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:39:48 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Same. Even funnier because I'm pale as shit.
Spwaaa ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:08:25 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
My name is also Tanner. I'm the drum major of our marching band, so we always compare tan lines at some point. This joke has gotten very old, very fast. I won't stop.
Velocity_LP ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:26:26 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Fellow Tanner here. I'll need to try this.
mirukutea ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:29:07 on August 22, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
My last name is Tan and whenever people say they're tan, I always tell them it's a fake tan.
wan52 ยท -6 points ยท Posted at 07:08:47 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Hi,Tanner!I'm Dad.
Zenechai ยท 3881 points ยท Posted at 23:43:46 on August 20, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Also...
"Hey, I love your name!"
"Thanks, I got it for my birthday!"
romeonohomeo ยท 1440 points ยท Posted at 00:40:45 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I do something similar with...
"I love your hair!"
"Thank you, I grew it myself!"
Extruded_Chicken ยท 312 points ยท Posted at 03:58:14 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
"I love your haircut"
"Thanks I grew it myself"
"Huh?"
"Shit."
Aduialion ยท 51 points ยท Posted at 05:23:24 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Thanks, it's really growing on me.
johngreenink ยท 7 points ยท Posted at 13:54:04 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
"Wait - let me explain!"
Mike__Ainsel ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 16:18:05 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Heh.
f_leaver ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 17:44:26 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
"Did you cut your hair?"
"No, the barber did."
2muchcontext ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 18:02:32 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
spaghetti proceeds to wildly fly out of pockets
NocturnalTaco ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 22:04:07 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Thanks me too
moistpain ยท 226 points ยท Posted at 03:46:39 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I have been doing something similar when some one complements my facial hair: "Yea, I don't know how I felt about it at first... but it's definitely growing on me." I proceed to give them the biggest stupidest grin they have ever seen, properly accompanied by finger guns.
arleban ยท 12 points ยท Posted at 15:12:34 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
The finger guns totally make it. I love it! It's like completely committing to the role.
NotThisFucker ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 17:38:16 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
If you did that in my circle, the next thing said after your finger guns would be "GET DOWN MR. PRESIDENT!" followed by a dog pile on the person you were pointing at
[deleted] ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 13:52:14 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I like you, have a free internet point.
High_as_red ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 13:55:00 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I feel like im inlove with you
dinomummy ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 14:25:25 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Definitely a response to share with my husband. He has a mighty beard that attracts a shit load of inane comments from strangers.
thinkfast1982 ยท 572 points ยท Posted at 02:28:23 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I love your eyes
They came free with the head
rockci22min ยท 323 points ยท Posted at 04:48:01 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Or "Thanks, it was a two for one special"
GallopingGorilla ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 11:31:32 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Or if you have two different colours you can say there was a mix and match sale
Zenechai ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 17:03:37 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Or buy one, get one of lesser value free.
Then they have to guess which one is cheaper.
DarkCreeper911 ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 05:47:43 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
What if you had heterochromia I hope I spelled that right
PerpetisKrinkut ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 07:33:29 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
*Terms and conditions apply.
stop_the_broats ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 10:05:08 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
my sister only has one eye. this date is over.
luckierbridgeandrail ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 15:17:50 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
You shouldn't have been dating your sister anyway.
atworknotworking89 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 20:00:44 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I hope she got a discount!
Tagger1028 ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 10:26:16 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Free head huh?
Tostificer ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 17:58:32 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I know something else that'll come free with head
jkitsjk ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 04:29:18 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Mine is "thanks, I use them to see"
treacherous_fool ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 07:18:31 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Nothing's free
DeyHateUsCuzDeyAnus ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 07:22:52 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
This is a compliment that I get all the time. I'm using that next time I get the chance.
GodofWitsandWine ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 13:36:53 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Oh. My. God. I get comments on my eyes all the time. Can I use this?
zippyboy ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 13:52:27 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
My mother gave them to me!
BlackfishBlues ยท 14 points ยท Posted at 03:57:39 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Also:
"Did you cut your hair?"
"No, my barber did."
It came up in a negative context in a recent thread but I thought it was funny.
RiOrius ยท 18 points ยท Posted at 04:32:06 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
"Did you get a hair cut?"
"I got 'em all cut."
ZeroGear9513 ยท 7 points ยท Posted at 02:56:39 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Kay, Trunks.
TroyValice ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 02:25:43 on August 22, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Roll with it
cgsdawgs ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 18:07:56 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
My friend sometimes yells "nice boner dude!" When I'm talking to a girl. One time I yelled back "Thanks, I grew it myself!" We both died laughing
romeonohomeo ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:27:38 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Holy shit. Did the girl say anything?
cgsdawgs ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 01:33:41 on August 22, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
She just kinda laughed a little and walked away because I was howling. I would have completely lost it if she said something like: "don't lie, I helped you with that"
Flash_205 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 03:44:03 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Classic joke from Friends
capncook49 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 11:50:15 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
"I really like your glasses!"
"Thanks, I need them to see!"
Zenechai ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:04:47 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Ha ha Bob's Burgers.
Tina is the voice of a generation.
curly_spork ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 13:21:30 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I stole a joke from IT.
"I like your hair."
"Thanks, but it's not for sale."
pixelmeow ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 16:21:50 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Sixth grade. One of the popular girls said my hair looked nice. My response? "Thanks, I washed it!"
[deleted] ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 16:30:41 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Chandler?
Liniis ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 19:16:18 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
"Wow, first piece of positive reinforcement in a year... Respond appropriately!"
Armydude19 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:14:47 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Chandler?
3BallJosh ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:34:23 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Thalys my go to response when people compliment my beard
DoctorOctagonapus ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 07:56:04 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I feel slightly bad that I'll never be able to use this.
SpottedCheetah ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 10:30:33 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
At first I didn't like it, but then it grew on me.
hydro_guy ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 11:52:18 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Nobody likes me hair because I'm bald.
SnowedOutMT ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 14:40:08 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I've said the T-shirt line. "Nice shirt!" "Thanks, I wore it myself!"
Anansi3003 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:50:28 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
brilliant
MrDirector23 ยท 258 points ยท Posted at 04:27:08 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
"Hey, I like your glasses"
"They're not for sale"
OGIzaya ยท 15 points ยท Posted at 12:47:12 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Lol
QuineQuest ยท 54 points ยท Posted at 12:51:29 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
laugh all you want, they're not for sale
Mr_Avenger ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 21:29:32 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
"Thanks I need them to see."
[deleted] ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 16:31:17 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
"Not as nice as yo momma's glasses!"
[deleted] ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 20:50:02 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Its too real!
NotThisFucker ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:38:56 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Meanwhile I have a zennioptical pitch ready to fire off when anyone even mentions glasses
Lyktan ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:33:14 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Haha, you're funny!
DucksDoFly ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 21:14:07 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I see.
Aluminum_condom ยท 137 points ยท Posted at 01:24:02 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
This is honestly a really cute reply
IAmGoingToFuckThat ยท 8 points ยท Posted at 06:09:43 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I work at Starbucks and my name is spelled weird, so at LEAST once a day, someone will comment saying they like it. I tried this one and end up having to explain it far too often. It only works if you say it to someone clever.
[deleted] ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 09:22:26 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
tfw people tell me I have a nice name but I can't use this line because I got it changed to that.
[deleted] ยท 8 points ยท Posted at 09:37:06 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Shoulda done it on your birthday so you could have confusing conversations later
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:36:58 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
"thanks, I picked it out myself!"
DDbanana ยท 8 points ยท Posted at 07:27:18 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
My last name is what some consider "cool." Everyone says, "What a cool last name." To which I reply,
"Thanks I tried really hard."
NotKay ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 01:41:03 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I have a job where I am frequently on the phone with customers and I use this A LOT. Most people don't get it, and just fumble around uncomfortably for a second until I steer the conversation elsewhere!
Porridgeandpeas ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:34:35 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Do you have a nice name?
catbert359 ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 07:06:51 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
"I love your hair!"
"Thanks, I'm quite attached to it"
Or
"Thanks, I grew it myself"
flugsibinator ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 01:53:46 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I can use this. Why haven't I been?
FollowKick ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 03:18:46 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I got mine for my Bris.
buddha34 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 05:57:40 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
and if (like me) you legally change your name?
"Thanks, i picked it myself! "
___KIERKEGAARD___ ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 12:11:53 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I just realized that no one has ever told me they like my name.
myusernameranoutofsp ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 00:42:04 on August 22, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I wasn't named until like a month after I was born. I like to think that was the start of my procrastination habits.
Broken_Alethiometer ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:05:21 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I get this a lot. This will be my future go to response.
jewboyfresh ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:09:40 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I do something similar except I say "thanks I got it on eBay"
cubalibre21 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 08:11:40 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I should do this. I have a super unique name so people are constantly saying they love it. It would make me feel less awkward to make a joke out of it.
bdyelm ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 08:54:43 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
"Thanks, it was to commemorate a holiday" - Quaden
guiltlessnick944 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 11:18:22 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I actually laughed out loud at this one. Well done.
Lordofsax ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 11:19:48 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Dude, this is amazing. Ive got a weird name and I don't ever know what to say when people talk about it.
whoshereforthemoney ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 12:20:21 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Mine is
"Did you get a haircut?"
Nope, just got cancer. It's okay though, I'm all better now.
Bonus points because it weeds out people with no sense of humour.
cowardlylion1 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 13:46:44 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
My favourite is, "I love you glasses"
"Thanks! I can't see without them."
CinnaSol ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 14:01:31 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
My girlfriend does something similar when I comment on her appearance.
Me: "Damn girl, you got a nice butt"
Her: "Thanks, it's my mom's"
spockified ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 14:20:23 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I wish I could use this but I did not have a name for the first two weeks of my life.
Zenechai ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 20:21:49 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
How did that happen? Didn't you have a birth certificate?
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 14:48:45 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I'm dating a trans male at the moment, exchanges often go like this:
"Hey, I like your name."
"Thanks, I picked it out myself."
xllcyllx ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:43:32 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Thank you for this one, I get stuff like this a lot since I have an unusual name
totallymisreadit ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:22:33 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I always say "Thanks, my mom gave it to me"
snuggle-butt ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:04:25 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Whenever someone compliments my eyelashes or something like that, I say "Thanks, my mom gave them to me!"
YoRt3m ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 22:51:06 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Jewish males babys get their names when they are 8 days old so it doesnt work.
Zenechai ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:59:03 on August 22, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
TIL!
LuigiAloisioGalvan ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 13:47:37 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I think most parents name their child before the birth.
Zenechai ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 17:07:28 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Your legal name is not issued to you until it's on your birth certificate.
The day you're born.
LuigiAloisioGalvan ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 09:41:02 on August 22, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
And I guess that matters to lawyers. Go them.
SendMeAllYourBoobs ยท 2821 points ยท Posted at 19:29:17 on August 20, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I always try to schedule my dentist appointments for 2:30. The receptionists don't find it as funny as I do.
Skullify ยท 567 points ยท Posted at 19:47:48 on August 20, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Took me a while, but I chuckled.
READMEtxt_ ยท 260 points ยท Posted at 20:44:47 on August 20, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Please explain? I cant figure it out
DoctorAche ยท 1352 points ยท Posted at 20:53:02 on August 20, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Tooth-hurty.
Leash_Me_Blue ยท 444 points ยท Posted at 22:44:39 on August 20, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
You're a doctor, check it out yourself
Pants__Magee ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 13:03:16 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Yeeaaahh mother fucker.
Herogamer555 ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 16:46:57 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Damnit /u/Leash_Me_Blue, I'm a doctor not a comedian!
[deleted] ยท -3 points ยท Posted at 00:54:42 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
his username checks out, though
[deleted] ยท 11 points ยท Posted at 01:20:48 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
thatsthejoke.mkv
BlackfishBlues ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 04:16:38 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Pls. RMVB master race.
ihatethesidebar ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 07:19:47 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Oh I thought it was tooth dirty
Chavezz13 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 11:54:43 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Too-furty
PM_ME_UR_TOMATOES ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 20:25:03 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I thought it was tooth-drty.
๐๏ธ wonderingtumbleweed ยท 122 points ยท Posted at 20:53:25 on August 20, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Tooth hurty
Mage_of_Shadows ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 05:09:06 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
23 seconds too late
Potchi79 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:31:07 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Ouch. You should see a dentist
jewishunicorn ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:15:22 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Username checks out
Hellguin ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 04:04:19 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Some punchlines just need to be read out loud to understand them.
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:27:21 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Depends on the accent.
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 13:58:22 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Tooth-dirty
[deleted] ยท -18 points ยท Posted at 21:39:48 on August 20, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
[deleted]
PB_and_aids ยท 7 points ยท Posted at 22:10:57 on August 20, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
...no
dryhumpback ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 23:24:13 on August 20, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Oooh, sorry, maybe next time.
truedread ยท 18 points ยท Posted at 05:49:04 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
My dentist's room number in the building she worked in was 230. She never knew the joke until I pointed it out to her, and it was all by coincidence.
arleban ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 15:22:54 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
A place I used to work previously did random drug tests. It was a manual pee in a cup with a little band that would change colors if it detected anything. Anyway, it was during the iCraze and was named iCup. I was working with HR one day and laughed because spelled out it said I see you pee. They didn't realize it until I said something either.
Annie_M ยท 53 points ยท Posted at 05:40:51 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
My husband wakes up at 2:30 for work sometimes and when I ask him "What time are you getting up?c he'll just respond "dentist time"
[deleted] ยท -1 points ยท Posted at 14:01:52 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
[deleted]
TheAccountForThatSub ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:25:19 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
He's a dentist.
/s
dougall7042 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:36:53 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
What country do you live in where shift work is illegal?
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:37:30 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Right, fair enough. Had a mental glitch and forgot shifts were a thing.
crunch816 ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 03:47:45 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
If it's hurting you need to find a different dentist.
anto687 ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 10:10:29 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I laughed way too much at this. I just kept imagining the face of the receptionist when you said "hi I'm here for my two thirty appointment? ๐"
imahotdog ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 14:36:01 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Same thing when I schedule my appointments with my BDSM mistress. I always ask for 1:30
Worm_Whomper ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 08:55:00 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Last time I visited my dentist they said, "Have a seat" gesturing toward the chair. I replied, "Oh, I've been here many times...I know the drill."
aqwaqwaq8 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 13:09:58 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Too dirty?
beidlDone ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 14:09:32 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
No it's "tooth hurty" I facepalmed when i finally got it
ernstsaysno ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:55:02 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I was back home from college on winter break a couple years ago, and my mom had scheduled me a dentist appointment. At dinner I asked when it was, and of course, 2:30. She was the only one in the family who didn't get why that was funny.
witnessnine ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:12:01 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I admit I'm constantly bringing this one back whenever possible.
markyland ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:22:45 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Whenever I need to go to the dentist I tell my wife "You know the drill"
atrenchcoat ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:31:15 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
This happened to me and the receptionist didn't laugh back. I guess she gets it a good few times each day.
HowManyMoreX ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 23:41:47 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
You're doing god's work, son.
rnmalnb90 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:49:05 on August 22, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Dad?! Is that you?
frank_bough ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:15:12 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Joke only works at Chinese dentists.
HAVOC34 ยท 8110 points ยท Posted at 00:04:24 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)*
At a restaurant with food still on my plate... Server: "You wanna box for that?" Me: "It's not worth fighting over."
Edit: Thank you for the gold! Totally unexpected!
hooloovooblues ยท 1766 points ยท Posted at 01:55:26 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I've been a server for eight years and no one has ever used that on me. I'd have a serious chuckle.
awesomehuder ยท 205 points ยท Posted at 05:03:00 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
and you know when someone says it to you he got it from here :D
AssRaptorMasta ยท 15 points ยท Posted at 06:15:02 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I'm a server myself but I'm totally copping this if the opportunity arises whenever I go out.
Abadatha ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 17:36:02 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Me too. As a long time food service guy that's fucking gold.
[deleted] ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 16:17:44 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Because you never set them up. Whenever I go in an elevator with a guy in there to push to buttons for you I always say, how's the elevator business treating you? 50% they say, it has it's ups and it's downs.
Space__Ghost ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 18:01:40 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Well, get ready to hear it a few times per day now.
DAt42 ยท 1321 points ยท Posted at 03:49:58 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)*
Server: "Would you like me to wrap that up for you?"
Me: "it's not worth fighting over"
Server: "....?"
[deleted] ยท 714 points ยท Posted at 05:39:08 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Thanks, you too
stoplightrave ยท 103 points ยท Posted at 05:58:32 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Me too, thanks
CuriousHumanMind ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 15:22:03 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Me tooth aches
TreatmentForYourRash ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 15:51:14 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
M E T A
horhar ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:33:31 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
You dinosaur hammer.
tobiaslvn ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 19:49:24 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Dank memes too
MagentaTangerine ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 20:19:26 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Harambe haha me too thanks kappa thanks obama
Darkfire346 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 15:16:44 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Oh fuck man, you're making me sweat just reading that
[deleted] ยท 17 points ยท Posted at 06:42:32 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Wrap battle?
[deleted] ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 06:46:27 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
something_exe ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 06:30:52 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
m-me too thanks
TheDirtDude117 ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 07:38:17 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
No thanks, I prefer country
borgib ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 16:07:57 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Server: "Would you like me to wrap that up for you?"
Me: "why are you not on the pill?"
stop_the_broats ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 10:02:05 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
"ha yeah totally... so should I wrap it or no?"
Anandya ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:40:42 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
The correct answer is "Fine, MC MIKE! I SHALL REQUIRE SOME BEATS THAT ARE BOTH PHAT AND TASTY!"
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:08:02 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Should start beatboxing so he can rap
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:46:59 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
You don't even need to go out if you have that much spaghetti coming out of your pockets.
agentverne ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:56:39 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
You tryna step to me?
Thank_You_Love_You ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:26:25 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
OR "Whoa we just met, let's take things slow".
Kalashnikov124 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 20:10:43 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
But I'm not a rapper.
loonybean ยท 304 points ยท Posted at 00:42:19 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
That's gold right there.
tregorman ยท 167 points ยท Posted at 03:38:37 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Gold Jerry gold
doby5 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 13:07:57 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Sam gold. Gold
Fawlty_Towers ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 13:40:50 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
The Bart, the
blades46 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 14:29:14 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Why do they call it Ovaltien? The jar is round, the mug is round.
bibbibob2 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 02:17:18 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Unfortunately not reddit gold it seems.
Mijeman ยท 28 points ยท Posted at 02:33:02 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Wrong. I can't believe I just spent money just to say that
MarvelousNCK ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 02:50:01 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Worth it
bibbibob2 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 10:36:43 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Why can I never be right!
spyke42 ยท 266 points ยท Posted at 03:29:33 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I was able to use this within 2 minutes of reading it. Got hella laughs, you're the best
DangerZoneh ยท 15 points ยท Posted at 06:43:07 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I'm seriously considering consistently leaving food left over so I can use this.
username4518 ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 12:43:42 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
It's great for portion control, plus if you don't mind eating the same meal twice in a day, you save money!
BastardtheGreen ยท 13 points ยท Posted at 07:56:22 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Did everyone stand and applaud?
Fazer2 ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 11:15:43 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
And they all thought he was really clever.
[deleted] ยท 10 points ยท Posted at 11:17:29 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
And that man name? Albert Einstein
JacobFromAmerica ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:19:48 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I bet some dude gave him $20 for the chuckle
spyke42 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 04:20:25 on September 4, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
No, but I got the waitresses number and we've gone clubbing together a few times in the last two weeks.
Hulkshorts ยท 78 points ยท Posted at 01:26:40 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Scrolled and scrolled this one got me good legitimate lol
LoboDolo ยท 10 points ยท Posted at 03:56:10 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I worked at a restaurant as a foodrunner. We served Chicken Broccoli Ziti so sometimes the guest would ask for grated cheese, or I would offer it to them. It's supposed to be freshly grated, so we grate the cheese right in front of them. And while I'm doing it, I always hear things along the lines of "You're going to be here all day." To which I reply, "That's alright, I get paid by the hour." Every. Time.
Warhawk137 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 04:47:07 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
That's some grate humor right there.
jared_number_two ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 04:57:05 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Cheese pun.
An_Innocent_Bunny ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 02:57:19 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Alternatively:
Server: "You wanna box for that?"
Customer: "I'd rather wrestle."
teh_tg ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 01:45:39 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Filed. Will use!
A_Suffering_Panda ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 01:50:48 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
No but I'll wrestle you for it
shmameron ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 03:21:08 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
God dammit dad
[deleted] ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 04:01:11 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Box for your food sir? " No, but I will wrestle you for the salt shaker!"
SuchACommonBird ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 01:30:41 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Solid.
TeddyCJ ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 03:12:18 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Another version.... Server "You wanna box for that" ..... You "no, but wrestle for it".
BrutalWarPig ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 05:23:49 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Brb going to make the cute server at the diner laugh.
meeeehhhhhhh ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 03:50:08 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
My dad would always answer, "I'd prefer to wrestle."
Hellguin ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 04:02:32 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I am so stealing this whenever I go out to eat... maybe it can cheer up some servers night.
Bear_Taco ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 05:01:18 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I'm totally saying that next time
anothermotherrunner ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 05:03:17 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I had an old guy come in to the restaurant I worked at every Saturday and tell me the same joke. I cracked up the first few times.
Porridgeandpeas ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 05:36:39 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
My granny's not a fighter but you should see her box
Gadetron ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 12:59:30 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
That means 2 things
CallMeWaltrop ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 13:43:02 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
๐ถ that can only mean one thing
Gadetron ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:07:08 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Not when box is a euphemism for vagina
[deleted] ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 05:40:24 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
This is a good one. I have a lunch date tomorrow and this will be perfect ๐
TheNightTurtle ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 06:58:02 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
omg i love this but im a big guy so id respond with " Sure, I think i can take you."
puresmurfing ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 07:39:57 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
You don't mind if I 'borrow' this?
Gourry007 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 08:31:54 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
When I leave a lot of food on my plate and someone says "Kids in africa could've eaten that" I always say "Give me a stamp"
yosemitesambo ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 09:13:33 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I like when they say "sorry about your wait". It gives me the chance to look offended and say "my weight is non of your business do you call all you customers fat"
Nerdtronix ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 10:49:43 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
This one's all in the delivery, if you look confused, and maybe a little dismissive, it would play very well.
"Pff, hardly worth fighting over"
[deleted] ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 12:53:08 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)*
[deleted]
HAVOC34 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:59:56 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I've also used the following once or twice before: Me: "I'll have the steak." Server: "How would you like that cooked?" Me: "Yes, that would be great!"
Dirty_coke_whore ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 14:39:19 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
When I used to cook for a living one of my friends would tell the waitresses " if you keep looking at me people are going to start talking" He was the king of one liners around that place
HitlerClinton ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 14:41:20 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Lol, reminds me of my dad.
Waitress: " how do you want your eggs? "
Dad: "over here"
sonic_the_groundhog ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 14:41:41 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Nice
MyUsernameIs20Digits ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 15:31:24 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
If the server is a cute female, I always ask if she has a tiny box. The perfect crime.
Carlfest ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 15:31:32 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
How about 'nah, but we can arm-wrestle.'
sabu15 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 16:24:23 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
me: "no, but i'll wrestle you for it"
[deleted] ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 16:29:11 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
My dad will say, 'No, but i'll wrestle you for it'
Nyckiej ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 19:47:46 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I wish I read this before lunch..lol...going to use this next time I dine out.
ZooRage ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 17:10:43 on August 23, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Definitely saving this one!
40b4five ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:20:18 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Me: No, but I'll wrestle you for it.
CertifiedCoffeeDrunk ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 04:20:14 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I don't get the joke... care to explain?
HAVOC34 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 04:42:15 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Some servers will offer to have your food wrapped or boxed to go. Certain servers will word it just right and ask if you "want a box for that." Sometimes it sounds like, "wanna box," as in boxing. Then comes the lame response. It's hard to understand if you're not a dad or if you've never seen a Leslie Nielsen movie.
CertifiedCoffeeDrunk ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 08:12:13 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Ohhh. I get it now. Forgot box can mean fight for a while there. Thanks for explaining man!
ThingsWhitePeopleSay ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 09:14:16 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
^
thisshortenough ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 11:41:37 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
A visual of a similar but slightly different version of the joke
aweybrother ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:44:37 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I dont get it
Usernameisntthatlong ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 04:02:48 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Server: "You wanna box for that?"
Box = fight
Server: "You wanna fight for that?"
That = leftover food
Server: "You wanna fight for that leftover food?"
OP: "It's not worth fighting over."
[deleted] ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 03:45:47 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
[deleted]
HAVOC34 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 04:15:19 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Of course not every server says it the same way. When they word it just right for me, I can't resist.
[deleted] ยท 4545 points ยท Posted at 20:18:43 on August 20, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
My new thesaurus is terrible. Not only that, but it's also terrible.
wormaker ยท 1742 points ยท Posted at 22:48:28 on August 20, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
To the guy who stole my thesaurus, you're a bad person, you made my day bad, I hope something bad happens to you.
thedailynathan ยท 19 points ยท Posted at 11:29:10 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Use these quickly folks. A few more years and people aren't going to realize a thesaurus came in physical object form that you could steal.
hi-def-dj ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 10:25:24 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I had a lot to drink last night. You made me almost shit the bed with laughter..
[deleted] ยท -7 points ยท Posted at 04:28:56 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)*
[deleted]
[deleted] ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 09:38:16 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Comma splice! We got a comma splice over here!
See, nobody cares
dpistheman ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 06:39:35 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I hate comma dplices more than I hate comma splices, and I hate comma splices a lot.
[deleted] ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 06:51:47 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
[deleted]
Professah_Farnsworth ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:04:36 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
yeah yeah yeah I am lorde
[deleted] ยท -2 points ยท Posted at 16:18:55 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
The first one was funny. (sorry)
[deleted] ยท 379 points ยท Posted at 22:26:17 on August 20, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
[deleted]
Mastifyr ยท 644 points ยท Posted at 23:38:05 on August 20, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I use big words to sound more photosynthesis.
[deleted] ยท 19 points ยท Posted at 03:58:40 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
[deleted]
thelegendarymudkip ยท 8 points ยท Posted at 09:06:31 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Ten letters.
fish_n_cake ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 23:49:08 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Holy shit no
KonturSvet10 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 14:07:09 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
AGAIN?
Whatamidoing82648 ยท 35 points ยท Posted at 02:10:34 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I think you mean photosynthetic, like photosynthetic memory.
Hykr ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 11:36:45 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
This plagiarism of cultural unemployments is too capitalized... I'd rather not familiarize with it.
Addyzoth ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 12:27:59 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
i like to cringe to make my cringe even more cringey
PrimeX ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 04:57:48 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Sometimes I just masturbate big words into sentences and hope it makes sense.
TreatmentForYourRash ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:52:48 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
/r/iamverysmart
[deleted] ยท 144 points ยท Posted at 03:13:32 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
[deleted]
api10 ยท 11 points ยท Posted at 05:59:54 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
The thesaurus was the most sagacious diplodocus.
h_saxon ยท 14 points ยท Posted at 02:42:01 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
My sister got me one for Christmas last year. Wasn't anything to write house about.
iLaCore ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 01:33:52 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I laughed way too much...
martinarcand1 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 05:13:51 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
8 jours late..
I bet Trump has that thesaurus, he does have the best words.
nateshoe91 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 05:41:55 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
My thesaurus is tearable. Also, it's terrible.
BackToBasix ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 00:44:22 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I am trying REALLY hard to understand this one...
Desmeister ยท 16 points ยท Posted at 00:47:05 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)*
A thesaurus gives you synonyms of words. His thesaurus is terrible, so he doesn't know any other synonyms for terrible and just says it again.
BackToBasix ยท -8 points ยท Posted at 01:35:31 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Well I know what a thesaurus is I guess the joke just really is THAT lame xD
HansumJack ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 00:51:04 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
A thesaurus is a book that groups words together that mean similar things. Since his thesaurus is so bad, it can't even help him think of another word that means terrible. So he just used terrible twice.
BackToBasix ยท -4 points ยท Posted at 01:35:44 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Well I know what a thesaurus is I guess the joke just really is THAT lame xD
HansumJack ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 09:41:12 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Yeah, the stolen thesaurus versions were a little bit funnier.
daffas ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 11:06:09 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I think the others are wrong. I think it's better said aloud. As in reading the first terrible as tear able.
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:08:30 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
This isn't a lame joke.
Vdawgp ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 04:44:00 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
The hospital will provide dictionaries, bring a thesaurus
ep1032 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 08:13:12 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
People always tell me you cant change the second amendment. Of course you can! Its called an amendment... see what most of you really need isnt a constitution, its a thesaurus. And if you don't know what a thesaurus is, try a dictionary, and work your way forward
keenly_disinterested ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 13:34:09 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
What's another word for thesaurus?
Floppydlop ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 13:45:08 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
This is the most terrible thing I've heard all day. I'm having a terrible day already, and the weather is just terrible.
P_Rigger ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:15:18 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Hmmm. What is another word for thesaurus?
Condomonium ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:02:09 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I guess I'm too retarded to get this joke.
martinarcand1 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:15:19 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
You use a thesaurus to find replacements for words the mean essentially the same thing. So like a dictionary for synonyms.
In his joke he uses "terrible" twice.
MadDany94 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 09:18:13 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I can never understand this joke...
SpectreKuroi ยท -2 points ยท Posted at 00:28:20 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Your mom is terrible.
Fistingly ยท 3661 points ยท Posted at 21:47:01 on August 20, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Whenever my friend asks his girlfriend if she wants something, he'll say something like, "You want a beer, gorgeous?"
I always respond before she can, "Yeah, but please stop calling me gorgeous."
It has gotten very old, but I JUST CAN'T STOP.
mydearwatson616 ยท 1344 points ยท Posted at 00:36:00 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I like to accept compliments that are clearly not for me. "Oh my god I love those shoes" thanks I got them 3 years ago at goodwill.
An_Innocent_Bunny ยท 252 points ยท Posted at 03:00:31 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Once I accidentally accepted that same compliment at a hair salon. I had my head back (getting my hair washed) and couldn't see I wasn't the one being spoken to. I was like 12 at the time and still haven't gotten over it.
[deleted] ยท 12 points ยท Posted at 10:08:58 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)*
and since that day, you haven't been to hair salon
edit: been
arcticfunky ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 17:33:09 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
haha hate those moments when you think back to something from years ago and are still like wtfff, even audibly cringe
BurritoBear ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 00:38:18 on August 22, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
sounds like you have a serious case of ptsd
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:13:29 on October 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Time to cringe!
[deleted] ยท 446 points ยท Posted at 01:10:15 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
[deleted]
Wickywire ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 12:26:43 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Being able to laugh at your own jokes makes life a lot less dull!
[deleted] ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 05:29:08 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I do that all the time and I think people hate me for it but I love it
MChainsaw ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 10:57:25 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I don't know if that's ALL that matters, but...
usefulidiot46 ยท 8 points ยท Posted at 02:40:00 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I love to wave at people who are clearly waving at the person behind me.
teh_tg ยท 7 points ยท Posted at 01:44:12 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Whenever somebody says "you're fine" and mean "you're OK with what you're trying to do", say "Thank you; most women [or men if it's a guy] say that too".
BigStereotype ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 19:32:18 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Shut up, baby, I know it.
[deleted] ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 14:01:38 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I ALWAYS accept compliments that aren't for me
Friend: Oh my god, you look great!
Me: Thanks, man, I put a lot of effort into it.
Friend: I wasn't talking to you
Me: Well, fuck you too, then.
stop_the_broats ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 10:04:01 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I do this accidentally all the time and then quietly retreat in shame. I also frequently say "Good how are you" when somebody else gets asked how they are going. I am not socially good at things.
checkoutmuhhat ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 11:56:42 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
"I love these shoes."
"Then why don't you marry them?"
I_too_amawoman ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:26:26 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I do this when people compliment my dog
VoiceSC ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:55:31 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I do that all the time around my family. "Oh I love your purse!" "Thanks, I am lookin' pretty stylin with it."
ArrowRobber ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:42:45 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I happen to have a dam fine pair of goodwill shoes (hand made leather, just needed the heel replaced & a polish. no cracking)
TedFartass ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:30:03 on August 22, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
My friends and I do it a little differently in that we straight up steal peoples conversations.
"Hey, Sam!"
Dave: Yes?
Sam: Wait, What?
J_FROm ยท 49 points ยท Posted at 00:28:15 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Or I respond, "yes, thank you honey"
Fistingly ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 03:27:56 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
This is good. I like this one.
crunch816 ยท 10 points ยท Posted at 03:46:57 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Anytime someone uses "surely" in a sentence I always tell them to stop calling me Shirley.
Baron_Von_Happy ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 10:22:47 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Surely your not serious. I am serious, and don't call me Shirley
torkel-flatberg ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 03:19:11 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Igor, help me with the bags
Ok, you get the blonde and I'll take the one in the turban
skepticalspectacle1 ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 11:47:09 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Plot twist, your friend knows you'll intercept and the terms of adoration are secretly intended for you.
Fistingly ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 13:10:52 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I think... I think I knew all along.
DarkPotatoKing7 ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 11:53:21 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I also like acknowledging compliments for other people.
Friend 1: "You're so cute [Friend 2's name]"
Me: "Thanks, but my name is [my name]"
LegendOfDylan ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 04:53:23 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Yeah whenever someone else says 'thank you' to another person I rush in with the 'you're welcome!' And steal all their thanks
pgh9fan ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 02:31:59 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
When my wife calls my son and says "sweetie" I do the same thing.
sandman730 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 07:28:11 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Surely, you'd love a beer.
DJSambob ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 14:59:14 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
"Surely you can't be serious?"
"I am, and don't call me Shirley"
dat_dope_boy_k ยท 12 points ยท Posted at 00:00:47 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
You better pay homage, muthafucka XD
Infiniteram ยท 15 points ยท Posted at 00:54:19 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
That's not the same joke.
Hobo124 ยท -2 points ยท Posted at 00:50:20 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Uservent relaname
Easysplit ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:47:40 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Can't stop, won't stop
DoctorOctagonapus ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 07:57:17 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I am totally stealing this.
Tommy_tom_ ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 12:35:10 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I went travelling and during a stop in San Francisco all the homeless dudes would constantly say good morning and cat call etc the two girls I was travelling with. My fave was that they would always say 'hey how are you doing' and my friends, ever friendly, would say 'good thanks how are you?' And they would reply something like 'good now you're walking by' (creepy, I know) but I would always turn around and say 'aw thanks!'
Luckily they would chuckle, I was always worried they might not take the joke
03fb ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 13:55:17 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
J.D?
Longtton ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:19:05 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
That's what she said.
OnionWings ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:20:37 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Surely he must hate you by now.
heerenbTV ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:11:26 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I know what you mean, you hear it and it's a must or your insides will explode
Wisex ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:04:02 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
" Surely you can't be serious"
greedcrow ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 21:09:19 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
One of my best friends (who is a girl with long blacl hair) and me (a guy with blue hair) were walking and a girl says i love your hair. We both turned around at the same time and said thank you then looked at eachother and burst out laughing.
francisco_DANKonia ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 03:09:08 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
He deserves it
ripevyug ยท -2 points ยท Posted at 02:49:31 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I met my wife with that joke.
Her then boyfriend asked her if she wanted a sausage and I said "no thanks".
Kon88z ยท 3638 points ยท Posted at 19:19:39 on August 20, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I still remember what my grandpa said before he kicked the bucket... "How far do you think I can kick this bucket?"
Timett_son_of_Timett ยท 2161 points ยท Posted at 22:16:10 on August 20, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I want to die like my grandpa did, in his sleep. Not screaming like the people in the back seat of his car.
Frying_Pan_Man ยท 1000 points ยท Posted at 23:45:53 on August 20, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
My granddad has the heart of a lion...
And also a lifetime ban from London Zoo
t00t1r3d ยท 586 points ยท Posted at 06:59:56 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I'll never forget the last thing my grandpa said to me. "Stop shaking the ladder you little shit."
tn_notahick ยท 9 points ยท Posted at 15:02:09 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Holy shit. This 4 joke string is exactly my go to joke! Even in that order!
valleyfever ยท 7 points ยท Posted at 15:30:03 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
You tell all 4 jokes at once?
onionleekdude ยท 21 points ยท Posted at 15:47:00 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Simultaneously. You should hear his impression of a barbershop quartet.
SaM7174 ยท 21 points ยท Posted at 04:56:12 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Hearts out for Simba.
PandaB13r ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 18:15:20 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I feel like this thread is a game grumps episode
JordanSM ยท -8 points ยท Posted at 09:40:53 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Dumb
NintendoDestroyer89 ยท -64 points ยท Posted at 02:12:23 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
These jokes are both on LOLOUTftw's channel on YouTube
QuaggaSwagger ยท 33 points ยท Posted at 03:29:49 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Both older jokes than that channel, I guarantee you
FufuTheGargoyle ยท 27 points ยท Posted at 03:34:45 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Both older jokes than /u/nintendodestroyer89
itsleemcguire ยท 26 points ยท Posted at 03:29:25 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Who the fuck is that?
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:20:48 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Jack Handy
Michael4825 ยท 13 points ยท Posted at 02:44:07 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Okay??
DookieDemon ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 02:53:09 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
The one about grandpa dying in his sleep is by Jack Handey.
thegreenrobby ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 04:06:23 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Deeeeeep thoughts.
DavidToma ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 14:42:36 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
literally who?
Leash_Me_Blue ยท 71 points ยท Posted at 22:40:10 on August 20, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
i mean...
that's good.
MrGMinor ยท 26 points ยท Posted at 23:31:37 on August 20, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Yeah a lot of the jokes posted here are good. I'm wondering if people understood the question.
cyanAkira ยท 11 points ยท Posted at 01:26:32 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I think the point is that a lot of the jokes are pretty well known and old. They don't really inspire any new laughs but are still fun to tell.
BlackfishBlues ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 03:55:06 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Well it's a bit like what happens in a "controversial opinion" or "underrated movie" thread, right. The ones that are actually funny will tend to be upvoted more while genuinely lame ones will tend to languish at the bottom.
MrGMinor ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 13:31:16 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
This is very true. I guess I should check the bottom for the truly lame ones.
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 07:11:39 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I've seen that joke photoshopped with minions around it and posted on various Facebook pages. To a lot of redditors it's fairly old and overused.
idog73 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 04:24:27 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
That's Deep Thoughts with Jack Handy.
Onesharpman ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 23:51:58 on August 20, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
It's old as fuck. Have you seriously never heard that joke before?
Leash_Me_Blue ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:49:45 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I meant, it's good he'd like to die like his grandpa.
LordMiicah ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 01:04:14 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Did you hear this joke on NPR's Car Talk today?
Timett_son_of_Timett ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 01:15:58 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I do love me some cartalk but no, my friends dad told me this joke when I was really little and it just stuck with me.
LordMiicah ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 01:32:59 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Just checking haha. I heard it for the first time today on the show and thought it was too coincidental to not say anything.
Ivotedforher ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:19:21 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Used this one today. Still makes them laugh.
TillikumWasFramed ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:38:52 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Sh*t I was going to post that one!
netskills001 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 04:13:58 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Asleep as the plane was falling at 300 feet per second. Not screaming like the rest of the passengers.
ihatethesidebar ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 07:15:52 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
9/11ify this please
skeptichectic ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 07:30:27 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I'll always remember the last thing my grandfather said to me. "Stop shaking the ladder you little cunt"
scribbler8491 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 11:26:37 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Credit where credit is due!
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 12:11:52 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
That guy in the other thread was right. You are everywhere.
HumphreyChimpdenEarw ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 14:50:19 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
i love Jack Handey
triggerfish1 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:10:20 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
That's not funny, my grandpa died in a concentration camp! ... he was drunk and fell off the watchtower.
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:19:22 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)*
If I ever get real rich, I hope I'm not real mean to poor people, like I am now. -- Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey
Whenever you read a good book, it's like the author is right there, in the room, talking to you, which is why I don't like to read good books. -- Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 20:27:55 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
His what :o
KarmaCausesCancer ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 22:55:18 on August 20, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
A HARDY CHORTLE WAS HAD!
RiOrius ยท 20 points ยท Posted at 04:30:39 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
In elementary school my best friend gave me an epi-pen. It seemed really important to him that I have it, so I've kept it all this time. I really miss him :(
TaterNbutter ยท 7 points ยท Posted at 07:00:12 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Good think you held onto it. Those things are worth a lot these days
mushperv ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 04:04:44 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Why is this making me laugh so hard? So fucking dumb.
Sk8r115 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 04:34:16 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I've told this joke to one of my friends many many times for years. he can probably tell when I'm about to say it cause I start laughing and struggle to get it out long before I ever say it.
MoisterizeR ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 15:49:30 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Man at least you knew your grandfather. Mine died in auschwitz.
He fell out of the guard tower and broke his neck. sorry
DoctorOctagonapus ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 07:55:04 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
And then he took a few steps back, prepared to take a run up to it, then dropped dead of a heart attack.
rebel_wo_a_clause ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 14:29:35 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
That was the day he tragically died...
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:58:51 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Because he tripped over the bucket and broke his neck
MusicMagi ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 14:31:45 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Your grandpa rules
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 14:45:41 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
These are now gonna be my dying words.
vandancouver ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 00:02:19 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
It's a Joke you never stop using? How..
TacticalCanine ยท 675 points ยท Posted at 03:17:37 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Actually got to use the gem from Hot Fuzz the other day. "What's your birthday?"
"January first."
"What year?"
"Every year."
PlopperThePenguin ยท 54 points ยท Posted at 12:13:06 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Get out.
[deleted] ยท 16 points ยท Posted at 12:32:28 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
"I'll be 12 in two weeks!"
"Wow! How old will you be in 3 weeks?"
Woild ยท 8 points ยท Posted at 15:14:51 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
"And how old will you be when I slap you upside the head?"
"Huh?"
"Eleven." slap
Bilbo_Bagpiper ยท 15 points ยท Posted at 12:17:08 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I got the Superbad version of that bug: "How old are you?" "Old enough... to party."
I don't actually party that much.
[deleted] ยท 9 points ยท Posted at 12:47:33 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Rod's the party guy.
comic_serif ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:35:44 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I'm keeping this one. I might be able to use it on a guy I'm dating, and I'd he laughs, he's a keeper.
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 12:21:14 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
This one has never worked for me. They asked for the birthday, not the birthdate.
lburtonr ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 12:38:02 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
This is such an oldie, I'm surprised by the fact that Hot Fuzz is your reference source
[deleted] ยท 2462 points ยท Posted at 22:16:32 on August 20, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
My name is Mark. Often at work people will say to me, "I've got a question, Mark." To which I'll respond, "That's great, I've got an exclamation point."
Also, sometimes people will need to get a book from upstairs and say, "I need to get a book, Mark." I'll tell them that we have bookmarks right here."
StacheKetchum ยท 1066 points ยท Posted at 00:29:00 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
What a story, Mark.
Legendairy89 ยท 727 points ยท Posted at 01:13:26 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Anyways, hows your sex life?
eat_a_diaper ยท 246 points ยท Posted at 06:37:15 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
You should meet his boyfriend. Mark's man in the streets, marksman in the sheets.
Ciellon ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 16:11:17 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
fingerguns
PandaLovingLion ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 18:57:33 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Too bad he fires blanks
[deleted] ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 16:13:34 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
holy shit that's amazing
StacheKetchum ยท 35 points ยท Posted at 06:41:09 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Cheep cheep cheep cheep cheep!
jumpingjacks07 ยท 12 points ยท Posted at 12:00:29 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
You're tearing me apart Lisa!
vlasvilneous ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 05:37:13 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Is that a sex, Mark?
NocturnalEmissary ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 07:19:09 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
On the Mark
Breakernaut ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 13:28:51 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Remarkable?
TheDemonCat ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 17:48:42 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Oh hai mark!
diceblue ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:03:34 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
You're tearing me apart Lisa!!!
Liniis ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:19:06 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Unremarkable, to say the least.
JF_19 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:43:42 on August 22, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I did not hit her! I did NAAAHT
[deleted] ยท 88 points ยท Posted at 02:23:20 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
seems to me like you're the expert, Mark
LingeringLegends ยท 8 points ยท Posted at 03:44:22 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
More like, he's on the mark
Or maybe he's marking his next move. Always on the prowl aren't you, Mark?
StacheKetchum ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 06:40:46 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I knew this one girl. She was seeing two guys. One of them found out, he beat her up so bad she ended up in a hospital on Guerrero Street.
DoomsdayRabbit ยท 7 points ยท Posted at 09:40:41 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I used to know a girl, she had a dozen guys. One of 'em found out about it, beat her up so bad she ended up in a hospital on Guerrero Street.
StacheKetchum ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:40:52 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
That's the one.
tilmitt52 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 08:44:43 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Maybe you should trade, Mark.
DucksDoFly ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 21:17:06 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Re-mark-able.
HoodedGryphon ยท 7 points ยท Posted at 04:39:58 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
You can say that again.
DoomsdayRabbit ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 09:40:58 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I actually met a guy named Mark Story.
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:43:33 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
That's great, I've got an exclamation point. Wait, shit.
[deleted] ยท 312 points ยท Posted at 01:57:00 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Another Mark here; When I was a child it took me forever to learn the word bookmark as I was told "this is a bookmark" but I heard "this is a book, Mark"
One joke I make when in someone else's house on their couch is to say "there is a mark on your couch!" and grin widely as they look for stains.
[deleted] ยท 12 points ยท Posted at 11:57:29 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I will sometime respond to, "That left a mark," or "That's gonna leave a Mark," with "My parents left a Mark."
[deleted] ยท 14 points ยท Posted at 14:42:43 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I was abandoned by my parents so this doubly works.
Karmic_alcohol ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 10:03:39 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
The couch in the hall, Mark
cowzroc ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 12:14:33 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
This made me laugh way too hard
Jeis75 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 22:17:09 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Knowledge is power
[deleted] ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 22:35:26 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
-France is bacon
jlenney1 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:23:06 on August 22, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
"Hey, there's a hole in your butt" is also a fun one to use. :-)
mister_shutup ยท 305 points ยท Posted at 01:12:53 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Oh, hi Mark.
Halostruct ยท 20 points ยท Posted at 05:19:53 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Oh hai doggy
quesadillapants ยท 37 points ยท Posted at 03:35:58 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I did not hit her, I DID NOT!
flyinglawngnome ยท 15 points ยท Posted at 09:04:45 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
You're tearing me apart Lisa!
AKSman1331 ยท 11 points ยท Posted at 10:18:59 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I am FED UP with this wOrld
Fumbata ยท 189 points ยท Posted at 00:58:53 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I don't know if that joke's gonna land, Mark.
ChefBoyarDEZZNUTZZ ยท 7 points ยท Posted at 02:30:22 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I don't know, I hear the Space Needle is pretty popular.
ZMAN24250 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 05:34:53 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
God damnit...
stop_the_broats ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 10:06:22 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I think youre Marking up the wrong tree.
boreas907 ยท 11 points ยท Posted at 02:06:45 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Just what exactly is your trade, Mark?
quesadillapants ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 03:37:15 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
One where people often announce to him specifically that they're about to go get a book.
ChefBoyarDEZZNUTZZ ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:31:20 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
No, but he's in the process of copyrighting it.
dancingbanana123 ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 08:37:20 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Congrats, you just made 1,000 people wish their name was Mark.
Atiopos ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 06:59:52 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Also you should hand a dictionary to anyone who threateningly says the phrase "mark my words"
[deleted] ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 12:15:13 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
"Just go down the hall."
"Where's the hall, Mark?"
[deleted] ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 02:46:12 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
How'd you know my name was Point? I don't recall telling you that. Anyway, let's hear about your exclamation and then we'll get to my punctuation.
yaminokaabii ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 06:08:33 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Business good? How's the biz, Mark?
Tanks4me ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 01:09:20 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
You need to go to the den, Mark.
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:33:34 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Hi dad
Raged-Daniel ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:31:37 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Never before in my life have I wanted another name so badly.
lust_for_blood ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 04:18:41 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Well I can definitely use the first one but no one asks me for books
Lowbacca1977 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 04:42:33 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I hope you write a lot of checks.
digital_poo ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 06:05:53 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Dad?
treacherous_fool ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 07:26:22 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Do you like to stretch, mark?
kingofstormandfire ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 10:00:21 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
It's not true, it's bullshit, I did not do it, I did naaaaat....oh, hi Mark
geared4war ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 10:53:34 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Mark. The noise made by a dog with a hair lip.
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 11:04:44 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
We have a music tutor at uni who's called Mark Carter, everyone calls him Marcato
Hykr ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 11:40:46 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I hope your surname is 'Mywords'
"Attendant: What's your name? You: Mark. Attendant: Full name. You: ...Mark Mywords"
redo21 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 12:37:35 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Don't qeustion mark lol
Marattmor ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 13:15:55 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
My name is Mark, I'm using this forever now.
aim_at_me ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 13:52:35 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I need some water, Mark.
Dylanthedildo ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 14:38:14 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
My name is Belle, when ever our door bell went my mother used to take great delight in shouting "door bell" or "door Belle" I forget which one it was now - anyway she used to find it hilarious.
07sev ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 14:42:16 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Haha i do something similar except I'll answer with "answer, daily double!" and then make the jeopardy noise.
Th3Guns1ing3r ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 20:27:32 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
That's a beauty, Mark.
MintJulepTestosteron ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 20:37:39 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
If a hungry bear was chasing you I would trip you.
bdyelm ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:25:14 on August 22, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
When has anyone ever said "I need to get a book, Mark"?
You're a phoney!
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 10:52:10 on August 22, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I'm a librarian.
bdyelm ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 12:04:01 on August 22, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
First part of that word "lie", Freudian slip there? :-P PHONEY
Theblackpie ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 13:50:41 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
What happened then, Mark?
TheGuyWhoLikesThings ยท 1661 points ยท Posted at 21:14:00 on August 20, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
How Long is a Chinese name.
countmora ยท 551 points ยท Posted at 23:56:31 on August 20, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
If you phrase it like...
... it's much more fun.
mydearwatson616 ยท 212 points ยท Posted at 00:32:34 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
My dad always said How Long was a Chinaman. I'm not sure if that's racist but almost no one ever gets it.
LucentNargacuga ยท 281 points ยท Posted at 03:17:14 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
That's not the preferred nomenclature.
[deleted] ยท 17 points ยท Posted at 05:04:27 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Out of all the names for certain races, chinaman has to be the laziest.
Maxtsi ยท 11 points ยท Posted at 12:00:37 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Englishman, Frenchman, German, I don't see what the problem with Chinaman is.
LeveonChocoDiamond ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 21:51:53 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
German hahaha
fnord_happy ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 19:53:45 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
It's not the preferred nomenclature, dude
PsychoAgent ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 11:43:33 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
What about German? What are they, from Ger?
AmericanPolyglot ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 12:50:11 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Frenchmen are from French? ... Whoa.
MackLuster77 ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 15:17:20 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I learned that in London, English.
Bladelink ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 06:27:22 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
First thing I thought of.
StaySwoleMrshmllwMan ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 06:48:04 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
This isn't a guy who built the railroads here.
mightyIllusion ยท 15 points ยท Posted at 03:30:08 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Asian-American, please.
[deleted] ยท 26 points ยท Posted at 03:31:18 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
What if they're not American?
mightyIllusion ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 03:34:03 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
ยฏ\_(ใ)_/ยฏ
MoldyTangerine ยท 12 points ยท Posted at 04:07:01 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
This isn't a guy who built the fuckin railroads!!!
[deleted] ยท 9 points ยท Posted at 04:15:01 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Shut the fuck up, Donnie!
bigups43 ยท 7 points ยท Posted at 04:29:10 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
If there are Frenchmen, Englishmen, and Irishmen, there can damn well be Chinamen.
ImmortanKenneth ยท 12 points ยท Posted at 05:38:40 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
But are there Francemen, Englandmen and Irelandmen?
Knox_Harrington ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 16:04:23 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
So, Chinesemen is better? Chinesemen? Or Chinishmen?
WhiteVans ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 06:19:57 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Rekt
CertifiedCoffeeDrunk ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 04:21:28 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Oh I photosynthesis see
BrentDjently ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 20:21:30 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Yeah I prefer to keep my racial humour PC
something_exe ยท -1 points ยท Posted at 06:33:28 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
asian american, please
ChaoticWeg ยท -1 points ยท Posted at 06:58:05 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)*
Asian American, please.
Edit: whoa, seen the movie?
notmy2ndacct ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 01:24:12 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
https://youtu.be/hmb2-PVnIbw
Potchi79 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 05:32:32 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
We could have the same dad.
LambChops1909 ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 00:33:32 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Yes.
FrankenBerryGxM ยท -1 points ยท Posted at 06:56:21 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
China man is racist
But English man, German man, Frenchman, Florida man isn't somehow
TreKopperTe ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 01:22:18 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Disagree. It makes the joke too obvious
GallopingGorilla ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 11:34:03 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Or
I don't know how long?
Course you don't you've never been to China
countmora ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 12:30:44 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Holy shit, that's great!
andygarciascuzin ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 15:45:33 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Told that one time my buddy. He immediately responded with "rearry rearry rong?"
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 09:43:11 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Nah, the intonation gets messed up that way. It sounds better in the indicative mood, more like you're asking how, rather than seeking confirmation.
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 14:26:39 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
No it isn't
[deleted] ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 00:18:30 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
How High is a Chinaman?
neutrinogambit ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 10:59:43 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
And So is his friend
dont-throwaway-bread ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 21:44:26 on August 26, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Ahn So? that's a Vietnamese
commiekiller99 ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 01:19:21 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I don't get it
slowlyrain ยท 11 points ยท Posted at 01:43:28 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
"Long" is actually a Chinese name
TheGuyWhoLikesThings ยท 7 points ยท Posted at 01:51:43 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
How Long is ACTUALLY a Chinese name. Like there is a Chinese dude named How Long.
thwinks ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 08:07:26 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
It would be spelled "Hao Long" though probably.
Chinese words don't end with consonants unless the consonants are "ng"...
[deleted] ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 16:13:52 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Or just "n"
WhatAGayTwist ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 14:02:31 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Brb, changing my name to Long Dong.
thwinks ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 18:43:37 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
means "dragon east" FYI
WhatAGayTwist ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:48:52 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Oh cool. I'm gonna make that my new username, ty <3
system637 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:08:46 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Unless it's Cantonese, Hakka, Min, Shanghainese, etc, you know.
LawfulInsane ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 08:05:17 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Depends on dialect and romanization though, most likely.
Etiennera ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 23:38:01 on August 20, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Not spelled like that it's not.
NotAThrowaway23145 ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 01:05:29 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I last heard that in a rage comic... Wow. It's been five years...
PM_ME_UR_GNOMES ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 08:56:34 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
In China, "Tu Yung" is just a name
Greedos_Trigger ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:20:34 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
So is his sister
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:54:07 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I had to read this too many times to admit
Bnoriega2001 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:27:19 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
That's what she said...
FlipperJames ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:54:16 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I know a girl named that (well phonetically the same but spelled different). She's Vietnamese though :(
SomeBroadYouDontKnow ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 04:24:00 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
When someone has the last name Wang:
Why don't you and your wife have a Caucasian baby? Because 2 Wangs don't make a white.
viccie211 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 06:33:47 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
So Long is his brother and Who is their dog.
xchelsaurus ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 08:36:37 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Dong Dong.
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 10:12:27 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
You gotta say "how long is a piece of string?" "Two times half its length" first
RyJM ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 12:08:58 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Also, How high is a china man?
a_tiny_ant ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 13:07:25 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
And Hui is his wife.
Pengking36 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:16:29 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Fuck I feel retarded,mean someone explain it to me?
Ceddy_Bear ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:38:35 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Ho Lee Chit...
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:52:40 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I'm reading these outloud to my gf, she just said "how long?" Closed her eyes and walked away.
Bigwubbo ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:28:15 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I don't understand.
sons_of_mothers ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 00:57:07 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
The name is Howlong
Bigwubbo ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 04:21:36 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I don't know why I didn't get that. It is pretty lame.
speed_dog ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:44:03 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
A chinese nem ? I don't get it either.
PM_ME_YOUR_EGGROLL ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 00:46:30 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
How Long is a Chinese name.
speed_dog ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:58:18 on August 22, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Ah, thanks.
AdamJensensCoat ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 05:14:37 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
My Chinese girlfriend tells me that this is not a Chinese name terrible joke zero out of 10 would not tell again
Jennica ยท 3121 points ยท Posted at 20:03:33 on August 20, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Tapping someone's shoulder but being on the other side of them
[deleted] ยท 751 points ยท Posted at 02:05:14 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
This happened to me enough growing up that my brain is broken and now when someone taps my shoulder, I automatically look over my other one. Most people do not do the ol' shoulder tap switcharoo, and I look like a fucking moron looking over the wrong shoulder.
DarkCreeper911 ยท 699 points ยท Posted at 05:51:26 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
You got played so hard you will never be normal again.
NFN_NLN ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 14:11:12 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
This should be reddits motto.
Artiemes ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 14:32:00 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
It's nah ya fault, will.
Five_deadly_venoms ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 13:00:36 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
-DJ Khalid aka fupa lord
[deleted] ยท 14 points ยท Posted at 06:40:58 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
[deleted]
stop_the_broats ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 10:04:31 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
its me your friend
jdnoller ยท 11 points ยท Posted at 07:36:48 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I feel like no one actually taps your shoulder unless their doing that trick though...
xxrazorcandyxx ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 10:39:46 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
The ultimate prank. Damaging someone irreparabaly
sunshineandpringles ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 07:10:37 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I, too, play myself
Nesurame ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 15:47:29 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Start doing a little spin with finger pointing, and be like "eyyyyyyy" when they aren't on the opposite side
Girafferra ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 15:59:45 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Time to perfect your back bends. Mess with them!
SquishyKitty1971 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 03:30:21 on August 22, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Me too!
Zephaerus ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 06:54:40 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I did this to a friend of mine in middle school. It was always incredibly funny.
notarunima ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 12:43:13 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I hear you man but that's not my problem.
Wheres_Wally ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 13:39:23 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
How often do you get trapped oh the shoulder?
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 14:22:09 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Honestly, not that often, which makes this even more embarrassing.
vandancouver ยท 943 points ยท Posted at 00:04:50 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Classic
Jennica ยท 15 points ยท Posted at 00:05:40 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
It never gets old to me. I laugh every time
cogenix ยท 7 points ยท Posted at 07:38:08 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
And then you stick out a finger and poke them when they look at the correct side
kornot ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 13:33:55 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Taking it to the next level, nice
asbestos_fingers ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 11:13:20 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
What a great stitch up
skepticalspectacle1 ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 11:48:39 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
And then holding a cream pie up at their face so when they spin their head back around, SPLAT!
Potbellypig124 ยท 273 points ยท Posted at 00:28:13 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Oldest trick in the book.
kingmike9879 ยท 299 points ยท Posted at 01:32:44 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Looketh over there!
[deleted] ยท 293 points ยท Posted at 05:04:56 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Ha! Madest thou look!
Wiseguy_42 ยท 7 points ยท Posted at 12:47:20 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Thou hast gotten me good.
Rib-I ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 07:27:07 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Hey!
[deleted] ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 16:24:34 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
This endeth the trick.
HrBerg ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 17:51:11 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
/r/bayeuxtapestry
Lyktan ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:42:12 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Thous a slave to a pageth in my rhyme book
Klove128 ยท 8 points ยท Posted at 05:16:27 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
So endeth the trick
TheVoiceOfRiesen ยท 202 points ยท Posted at 01:14:33 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
So endeth the trick.
beckettcat ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 02:00:49 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
no.
Trickith number one.
Lookith thou over there!
slaps back of head lightly
its best if nobody understands you when you say "trickith number one" so they actually fall for it.
Potbellypig124 ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 02:04:20 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Actually, oldest trick in the book is when you point to someone's shirt and say "you got a stain" when really they have no stain.
whisperingsage ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 13:58:04 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
And then you flick 'em in the nose.
beckettcat ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 21:53:25 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Now that's just down right vile. Who could possibly do such a thing?
ReCursing ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 09:54:32 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I'm not sure that's ever been a word, so it would have worked way back when as well!
christian-mann ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 00:47:06 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
No, that's your mom
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 04:12:07 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
No that's what his mom does, tricks
Fh-Fh ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:36:40 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
There's a book??
yadayada-yada ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 20:36:21 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Oldest book in the trick.
CoolAppz ยท 10 points ยท Posted at 03:57:41 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
an uncle of mine used to pinch the ankle of a person from behind at the same time imitating a dog barking, causing a lot of people to jump freaked out... hahaha
OhioMegi ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 01:28:52 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I enjoy the classic side butt kick while walking next to someone.
[deleted] ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 05:05:14 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
This and "time for you to get a watch" are my go-to shitty jokes
jewboyfresh ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 05:07:36 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
That's how I approach women at bars sometimes
treacherous_fool ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 07:23:42 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Oh I love this. I did it to my Gma with Alzheimer's and she turned around and saw my buddy. It was pretty funny. I'm pretty sure I'm a bad person now.
RadleyCunningham ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 03:12:15 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
that one has never worked for me.
ShadowCory1101 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 05:42:25 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I feel this happened to me so much as a child that it has become a lifelong habit to look the other direction first.
Chinamademefat ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 07:32:33 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Absolute madman.
NomNomYoMomma ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 08:01:34 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I always place my fist on the other side so they turn and punch themselves
jumpingjacks07 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 11:58:37 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
That, or the pretend to have food on your shirt. Next second they flick your nose!
SubcommanderMarcos ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 23:57:16 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I do this so much for over a decade now that my friends all look to the other side already, so recently I started tapping on the correct side to get them and it works.
jlenney1 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 05:24:03 on August 22, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Classic Jennica
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:55:29 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
There's that one friend of mine that does it to everyone and instictively turn on the side hes at just to spite him
oompaloompafoompa ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:38:40 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
walking in a line of 3 and tapping the shoulder when you're on their side. the oldest trick now has a twist >:D
Vicous ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 06:26:39 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Holy shit, I enjoy doing this too much. I also like asking for a highfive and they go for it but I just pull away like I wasn't even going to do it in the first place.
RabbitsOnAChalkboard ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 08:06:14 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I've gotten into the habit of doing this to a new friend at grad school...I think he may be getting annoyed of it. Of course, that means I can't just stop now. :D
dancingbanana123 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 08:35:40 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I do this to the point where my friends have gotten used to turning the other way so I'll tap them on the right shoulder and they'll turn the wrong way and I'll just look at them as if they're insane. It's amazing.
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 10:10:29 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
You monster
AyysforOuus ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 11:40:47 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
My friend does this all the time, so I started tapping some random person and pointing over to my friend, "Hey, she wants to ask you something."
Danger1324 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 12:09:49 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I did this heaps last year. It came to a great end when one of my friends who I did it to a lot ended up swearing at a teacher because she had done it to her. My top accomplishment.
cmnights ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 12:14:08 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
i once did a penta shoulder tap with my friends at the arcade while another friend saw me do it, they all looked the wrong way :D
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 13:02:37 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I get my friends at the bar with this like once a month. Enough so they still don't catch it 90% of the time, but not enough that it's lame or annoying
Floppydlop ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 13:48:03 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
The best part is doing it several times
americanslang59 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 13:57:52 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I can't fucking stop this because I've gotten really good at it.
i_cri_evertim ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 14:03:26 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I've just stopped turning around whenever someone taps me on the shoulder because of this at school.
MzDemonKitty ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 14:42:14 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
My boyfriend does this to me CONSTANTLY.
Kighla ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:06:51 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
All of my uncles do this. Like, they don't conspire to do it, they just all do it. I guess it's just something uncles must do.
crookedparadigm ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:16:36 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I do this to a girl at work at least once a week. She falls for it every time.
KansasMannn ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:26:59 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Don't do this to the wrong person tho. Had a friend who did this to a stranger, and the guy called the cops. Took him to the cop shop and told him he could get charged with battery. Sad, sad world we live in folks.
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:48:55 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I have a friend who always falls for this and I never get tired of doing it to her.
Fya415 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 20:54:58 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
High school janitor used to do this as he pushed a broom down the hallways. Scarred me.
xauronx ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:31:35 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Oh man, this is the biggest signal that I don't want to hang out with a new person. I don't know why but this makes me cringe. It's the equivalent to bunny ears. It was funny exactly once in 3rd grade and should have stayed there.
Soldier1317 ยท -1 points ยท Posted at 00:28:27 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
People do this to me like 6+ times a day. It isn't funny. Would you kindly stop?
meoctzrle ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 02:51:48 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
No
Soldier1317 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:06:04 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Give me 4 good reason on why you won't stop.
senorfresco ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:58:58 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
This guys a man not a slave.
[deleted] ยท -1 points ยท Posted at 00:53:42 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
/r/madlads
[deleted] ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 20:11:16 on August 20, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
[deleted]
Jennica ยท 7 points ยท Posted at 20:15:15 on August 20, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Mom ;)
Scrappy_Larue ยท 975 points ยท Posted at 23:25:34 on August 20, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
If anybody asks what the movie is about. "About an hour and a half."
sixthandelm ยท 495 points ยท Posted at 23:33:16 on August 20, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
THIS. My husband says this all the time and its drives me nuts. I'm worried I may sustain retinal damage from how hard I roll my eyes at him when he does.
Minoripriest ยท 402 points ยท Posted at 02:02:33 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Are you by any chance a pirate with a steering wheel in your pants?
Jezell38 ยท 163 points ยท Posted at 03:41:18 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
ARGH, IT BE DRIVING ME NUTS.
theniceguytroll ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 08:09:57 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Yarr, it's steering me balls.
MoffKalast ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 12:11:19 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
It's all in the delivery.
TurbanOnMyDickhead ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 16:17:45 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Why did I read this in the voice of the Flying Dutchman from Spongebob?
Jezell38 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:32:58 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
ARGH CAUSE SPONGEBOB BE DRIVING ME NUTS!
morbiusgreen ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:07:45 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Ah...Robot Chicken.
CodeOfZero ยท 14 points ยท Posted at 03:03:55 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
2meta2fast
Rocketman4570 ยท 11 points ยท Posted at 03:09:36 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
M E T A
E
T
A
[deleted] ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 05:17:13 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
2 Meta-Phor me
TropicalOctave ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 05:01:56 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Meta..?
rie9shock ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 06:18:07 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
meta
Ishaan863 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 10:56:33 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Read that joke after this comment. Immediately scrolled up to upvote.
PurpleDotExe ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:31:53 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
M E T A
E
T
A
[deleted] ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 15:40:00 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
To be fair, "3meta5fast" is also an overused joke
Brewsleroy ยท 93 points ยท Posted at 01:41:49 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Just ask him what the plot is and make him stop using the joke. He will get frustrated cause he won't get to use his dad joke, and you get the satisfaction of knowing he didn't get to use his joke.
[deleted] ยท 14 points ยท Posted at 02:51:54 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
โIt's the main events of a movie as created by the writer and portrayed by the director through the actorsโ performances. How've you watched all these movies and not even known that!?โ
BlackfishBlues ยท 13 points ยท Posted at 04:04:46 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Gotta end with "...but that's not important right now".
malenkylizards ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 06:38:10 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
"It's a log-linear." "Oh my god, I hate you scientist dad"
[deleted] ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 08:53:11 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
"What's the movie's plot?"
"About an hour and a half."
"..."
"..."
jlenney1 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:24:38 on August 22, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
You mean mean person! :(
typeswithgenitals ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 05:17:39 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Normally people only roll their Rs
TheIceCreamMansBro2 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 04:30:33 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Have you checked if you're pregnant? That's a solid dad joke right there.
everdred ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 06:45:39 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
He probably thinks you're preparing for the day you throw some jokes back at him. You know, exercising your cornea.
Fatalstryke ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 14:33:56 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
You know what drives me nuts? A steering wheel on me dick! Arr.
Jacewoop23 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:48:13 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
He's being a dinosaur hammer
JimmerUK ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 12:05:19 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
"How long is the next bus?"
"About 35ft."
Mastifyr ยท 10 points ยท Posted at 23:40:21 on August 20, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Unless it's Captain America: Civil War.
CanadianBurritos ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 01:59:34 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Or any of the LOTR movies.
luckierbridgeandrail ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 15:31:59 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Or Once Upon a Time in America, which is about tree fiddy.
Itsnotironic444 ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 05:18:18 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I'd like an order of pancakes to go please. I'm in a hurry, will they be long?
No, they'll be round.
botcomking ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 08:01:34 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Same goes for books. "What's the book about?". "about three hundred pages"
cloutier116 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 11:04:49 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
My dad used to use this one all the time. Lately he's switched to "You know, this is based on a true story", which he says about literally every movie
captain_todger ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 13:26:18 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Similarly when people say something like "how long was the train?", I reply "oh, about 30-40 metres". Doesn't happen nearly as much as I like because most normal people say journey / trip instead of just <vehicle>
tn_notahick ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 15:03:27 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I dunno, been watching it as long as you have!
Kighla ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 15:08:04 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Most movies are about 2 hours now
wabojabo ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 19:06:59 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
It doesn't work in Spanish ):
gourmetprincipito ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 22:26:41 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
"How long is this movie?"
"About five inches."
(like a DVD)
adzerino ยท 858 points ยท Posted at 23:34:06 on August 20, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Every time I go past a graveyard, "People are dying to get in there."
Thatwelshguy ยท 304 points ยท Posted at 08:19:08 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
"Did you know that the people that live on this street can't be buried in that cemetery?" "Why's that?" "They aren't dead yet"
Kjbcctdsayfg ยท 7 points ยท Posted at 15:28:29 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I say "If <so and so> was still alive he would be rolling over in his grave" whenever I get the opportunity.
blahblahbush ยท 57 points ยท Posted at 04:03:15 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
My dad would always say "there's the dead centre of <town>".
kerouacrimbaud ยท 19 points ยท Posted at 10:03:23 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
"Hey, guess how many dead people are in that graveyard?" "Uh 2000." "No, all of them."
geared4war ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 10:57:02 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Except for my uncle Dave.
Don't ask.
CallMeWaltrop ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 14:39:08 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
he's dead inside
ds2600 ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 13:23:22 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I had to do some work in a medium security prison for approximately 10 hours straight. I was working in a 20x15 room. You can see where this is going.
As one of the staff was escorting me out at the end of the day, I looked at him straight in the face and said "thank god the day is over, it's like a prison in there". He didn't think it was funny. :-/
cctdad ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 08:38:11 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
When I was a kid I mowed the grass at the cemetery. My dad told people that I had a job with hundreds of people under me.
PM_YourDildoAndPussy ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 14:26:36 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Just don't fuck your coworkers, hr doesn't like that.
MidDan ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 05:00:11 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
It's the dead centre of town.
paradoxgirl44 ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 13:45:09 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
It's the dead centre of town.
dinomummy ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 14:29:13 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
It's the dead centre of town
joa42 ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 16:56:48 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Reminds me of that time that a small two-seat aircraft crashed into a cemetery. In total, they recovered over 1000 bodies!
[deleted] ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 01:18:09 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
The bury patch
Thameus ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 13:38:04 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
The residents never complain though.
vxepic ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 14:38:55 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
How many people are dead in there? All of them.
davesewell ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 14:57:59 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
When I'm passing the cemetery I always say 'that's the dead centre of this town'
onionleekdude ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 15:49:34 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Shit. I have never heard this. My wife is about hate me. Moreso.
Jam_Onscreen ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 09:40:40 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I usually follow up with "it's the dead centre of town"
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 10:16:25 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Beat me to it
Justforketo1221 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:31:25 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I heard something similar about prisons "People would kill to get in!"
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:39:03 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
My dad: Do you know how many people are dead in that cemetery? All of them!
bdyelm ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:26:51 on August 22, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Well, they can't live anywhere else.
jollygreenegiant24 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 07:56:11 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
What a bunch of deadbeats
utmanders ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 08:22:01 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
My brother says, "I see dead people."
joey130312 ยท 1655 points ยท Posted at 22:45:42 on August 20, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Knock knock
Who's there?
I eat map
I eat map who?
Omg gross lol I got you so good
joshzam ยท 434 points ยท Posted at 01:02:30 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Knock knock Who's there? Europe Europe who? No, you're a poo!!
T0Mjefferson ยท 7 points ยท Posted at 03:49:39 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
No, you're a towel
calilac ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 04:26:45 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
No, this is Patrick
sepharig ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 07:17:56 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
This is absolutely terrible I love it
ImmortanKenneth ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:37:03 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I've always liked this one much more.
Claposaurus ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 23:00:36 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Yes!! My go to joke is here! It will never get old.
[deleted] ยท 83 points ยท Posted at 01:12:03 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
[deleted]
2tall4yoo ยท 224 points ยท Posted at 01:40:27 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Omg gross lol I got you so good
[deleted] ยท 7 points ยท Posted at 01:43:58 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
[deleted]
pikaluva13 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 11:30:28 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I know it's supposed to be tongue, but I kind of like your typo.
jewboyfresh ยท 12 points ยท Posted at 05:11:20 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Knock knock
Who's there
I feel like a pile up
I feel like a pile up who?
Awe don't be so hard on yourself
Got that from a captain underpants book in 5th grade
Drodain ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 15:16:17 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I prefer:
I've got a great knock knock joke but I need you to start it.
Fine. Knock knock.
Who's there?
.....I hate you Drodain.
potsieharris ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 02:36:26 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)*
this made me laugh harder than anything in recent memory
edit: just told this to my cousin who has a southern accent. even funnier
[deleted] ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 03:19:28 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I laughed so hard....
vaginalscrotum ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 04:34:20 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Laying in bed right now. Girlfriend is not happy that she woke up to my uncontrollable laughter followed by me pulling this one on her.
I would do this again.
RoachGirl ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 14:46:37 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
My mom completely ruined this by responding, 'Who eats map?'.
thanosofdeath ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:24:06 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Read that in Cartman's voice.
Capek-deh ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:37:51 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Just tried this out on my 7 year old. Can confirm this is an instant classic.
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:14:10 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Next time try it but say "I'm a pile up"
InTheMotherland ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:47:41 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I always prefer using mop over map.
joey130312 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:05:04 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Depends what kind of accent you have as to what works best
InTheMotherland ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 06:28:10 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Fair enough.
curlycatsockthing ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:16:08 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
what are you eating under there? under where? haha, you're eating underwear!
clvnmllr ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:32:58 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I eat mop works a little better
ImNobodyFromNowhere ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:55:10 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Definitely using this on my four year old the moment he gets home from church.
johnwalkersbeard ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:23:47 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I do this but I say "I got up"
"Down the hall, second door on the left.."
newtbutts ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:10:33 on August 22, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I used "I eat mop"
"Ahhhh I hate you !"
Jwwinter ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 08:39:41 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Keanu Reeves and two hot chicks.
gurun5740 ยท 1717 points ยท Posted at 20:03:25 on August 20, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
A pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel on his pants and the bartender goes hey what's with the steering wheel and the pirate goes arghhhh it be driving me nuts.
StacheKetchum ยท 756 points ยท Posted at 00:27:53 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
A pirate walks into a bar with a paper towel stuck to his forehead, and orders a drink. The bartender passes the drink and says "so what's up with the paper towel?"
The pirate replies "Yaaaar! There be a Bounty on me head!"
twinfyre ยท 24 points ยท Posted at 07:59:32 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
What did the pirate say when he turned 80?
"AYE MATEY!"
StacheKetchum ยท 11 points ยท Posted at 08:36:29 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
They say a pirate's favourite letter is R, but their first love has always been the C.
jepsie101 ยท 11 points ยท Posted at 14:58:32 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Nah, it's P. Without it he's irate
EightInfiniteWays ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 12:46:03 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
the what?
notarunima ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 12:48:56 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
The see. You sea it now?
EightInfiniteWays ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 17:05:14 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
oh now I C it!
notarunima ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 19:07:58 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Everyone could si it. Except you.
A65BSA ยท 12 points ยท Posted at 03:25:17 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Oh my god.
[deleted] ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 17:52:36 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Congrats, now I'm sat on the couch with a paper towel taped to my face waiting for my girlfriend to walk by.
nuadusp ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 00:59:08 on August 23, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
this makes me sad that they changed Bounty to Plenty in the UK :(
florge ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 01:01:51 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
It sucks that they changed their name
killerpoopguy ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 01:30:58 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
What?
LifeInMultipleChoice ยท 10 points ยท Posted at 03:07:59 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I did some research. In the UK they are selling Bounty paper towels under the name "Plenty" now. I had no idea what they were referencing either.
DemiGod9 ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 04:29:42 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
So they rebranded to a synonym?
LifeInMultipleChoice ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 04:38:01 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Apparently Procter and Gamble sold the rights to another company with an agreement that they would have to change the name of the product due to the fact they were going to continue to sell product in the United States. So I imagine the new company (Svenska Cellulosa Aktiebolaget) was trying to not change it drastically.
animenite97 ยท -3 points ยท Posted at 04:58:05 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Hold up, it's "Bounty" not "Bouney"?
Dexaan ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 01:07:09 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
You can still tell the joke with the chocolate bar
Screye ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 03:59:42 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
It tastes amazing too.
CherrySlurpee ยท 272 points ยท Posted at 00:39:24 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
What's a pirate's favorite letter?
You may think it's "R," but his first love will always be the C.
taulover ยท 389 points ยท Posted at 05:03:55 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
What's a pirate's least favorite letter?
Dear Sir,
We have terminated your internet service due to illegal copyright violation practices.
Sincerely,
Your ISP
SatinSplash ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 16:04:01 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
hey its me ur isp
[deleted] ยท 17 points ยท Posted at 01:38:39 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
[deleted]
PM_ME_BAKED_ZITI ยท 11 points ยท Posted at 02:19:37 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Irate 5/7
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 13:21:46 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Almost as good as The Dark Night
IaniteThePirate ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 05:11:20 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I feel bad for not having a pirate joke to contribute :(
stamau123 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:49:18 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
You would think that, but pirates are always looking for that X.
slime_art ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 08:18:44 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
What? You can buy it online now. Also, i didn't know pirates liked electronica... i thought they were more into like sea shanties and maybe hair metal fir the dangly earrings.
Rakuall ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 03:36:02 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
What are a pirates 10 favourite letters?
Aye aye, arrr, and the 7 seas.
a_legit_account ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 05:23:04 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Nay, that's the pirate alphabet. The joke goes: "Q: How many letters are there in the pirate alphabet? A: 10, R, I I, and the seven Cs"
PM_ME_UR_GNOMES ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 08:33:22 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Or my personal favourite, "Yarr it be 'Q'"
QuantumRedstone ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:23:45 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
It's actually P, because without it they're Irate.
bridgerald ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:53:17 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Aye, that be a good one, but surely his favorite letter would be P. Without a P, a pirate would be irate.
xplasticastle ยท 9 points ยท Posted at 02:15:27 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
When I was a kid, my friend tried telling that joke. She goes, "Arr, it's drivin' me crazy!"
Stacia_Asuna ยท 8 points ยท Posted at 03:54:12 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
A pirate walks into a game company.
Niantic: You're hired!
Pirate: r
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 13:22:13 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
5 minutes later
Runs out with Mew and the cash register
quesadillapants ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 03:33:46 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I love the fact that it doesn't have to be a pirate for the joke to work but you do it anyway because argh, fuck it!
HammletHST ยท 10 points ยท Posted at 05:01:56 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
what non-pirate/irish would say driving me nuts? For everything else the pun, and therefore the whole joke makes no sense.
"What's with the steering wheel?" "Oh that? It's driving my nuts"
bobfootm ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 08:19:56 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I actually got to use this. I use a wheelchair, and needed a new front wheel. I got one and went down to maintenance (at work) to ask for help putting it on. Naturally, it was on my lap, and someone actually asked what it was. "It's a wheel - it's driving me nuts!"
I was so pleased with myself!
ReverendPoopyPants ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 02:51:08 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
A man walks into his shrink's office, wearing nothing but saran wrap, the psychiatrist says, "I can clearly see you're nuts. "
tricks_23 ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 22:32:03 on August 20, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Why are Pirates called Pirates?
Because they aaarrrrggghhh (are)
Fumbata ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:56:45 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
It's all in the delivery: you have to really commit to the pirate voice
itsdrivingmenuts ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:50:53 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I like this one.
MoffKalast ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 12:14:46 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
It could get you left behind in a savanna.
Tommy_tom_ ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 12:41:04 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Does it have to be a pirate!? Can't it just be, say, a dude called Bob, who then says 'yea man, it's driving me nuts'
insert_deep_username ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 22:19:46 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Well then me nuts doesn't also mean my nuts
TreeArbitor ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 14:18:05 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
What a pirate got to do with this?
gurun5740 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 15:22:11 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I just really like overemphasizing the arghhhhhh makes me feel goofy
TreeArbitor ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:27:52 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Oh okay
volcanicpigeon ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 20:31:50 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Why can't pirates play cards?
Because they're always standing on the deck
thisremindsmeofbacon ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:04:40 on August 22, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Whats a pirates favorite music?
RRRrrr & B?
No, sea shanties you twat
price1869 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:38:17 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
A black pirate walks into a bar wth a parrot on his shoulder. The bartender says, "that's amazing. Where'd you get it?" The parrot says, "they're all over in Africa."
[deleted] ยท -12 points ยท Posted at 21:55:55 on August 20, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
[deleted]
watchinggymnastics ยท 12 points ยท Posted at 22:10:54 on August 20, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
This joke has been around since at least the 70s. Kids in my school used to tell it in the 80s. It is a very old joke.
[deleted] ยท 692 points ยท Posted at 21:42:34 on August 20, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
[deleted]
fuzzymidget ยท 356 points ยท Posted at 00:33:13 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I go the other way with this.
Me: sneeze
You: Bless you!
Me: Thank you! sneeze
You: Bless you!
Me: Stop trying to indoctrinate me!
Vicous ยท 96 points ยท Posted at 06:30:10 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
For me, it's more like;
They: sneeze
Me: Blesshu.
They: sneeze
Me: Blesshu.
They: sneeze
Me: ALRIGHT ASSHOLE.
ImNobodyFromNowhere ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 16:16:34 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
After the second one, I just tell them "alright, that's enough..."
Vicous ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 22:15:02 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Sometimes I just simply say "ALRIGHT...", the "asshole" part is just with buddies.
kosmo1 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 14:15:44 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
DON'T YOU DARE SNEEZE ON ME LIKE THAT
[deleted] ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 15:57:26 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
"DIE QUIETLY."
avgguy33 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:31:08 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
After sneeze two I say Gameesu , which is Greek for fuck you.They assume I said god Bless you,and thank me. Usually only if I know you.
Vicous ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 22:12:56 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Is that pronounced "game-ee-soo" or "gam-ee-uso"?
avgguy33 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 21:34:07 on August 22, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
My Greek accent is perfect, but Greek to English spelling is the worst.
ToxicValryn ยท -5 points ยท Posted at 09:16:00 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
So that's why you're "vicious" xD
[deleted] ยท 8 points ยท Posted at 10:37:58 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)*
[removed]
sanekats ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 14:44:16 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
no he's viscous
Vicous ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 17:02:37 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
No he's viscosity.
sanekats ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:13:08 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
no
Vicous ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 17:04:20 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
My name originated from the word "Vicious", but over time I simplified it to "Vic-o-us" because it was unique and sounded cool to me. So you're wrong but you're also correct. ;D
RVBY1977 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 14:10:26 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I always go: Bless you 2 times (in my best Wyclef impression) OK now you're just being greedy
smegma_stan ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:44:16 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Ha! This is great. Whenever I sneeze and someone says "bless you" I sometimes reply with "what are you, the pope?"
TheFunkCrusader ยท 120 points ยท Posted at 22:43:10 on August 20, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I usually follow up the blessing with a curse. Ya know... to keep it even.
[deleted] ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 09:44:08 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Bless you! Damn you! Bless you again! Damn you to hell!
Ketoplasia ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 10:44:27 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
My old manager used to say "Bless me, you can go to Hell"
Kepui ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 11:30:47 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
sneeze
Bless you!
sneeze
A pox upon you!
[deleted] ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 02:29:46 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
The buffs don't stack.
MidDan ยท 8 points ยท Posted at 04:47:46 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)*
In China you can say ็พๅฒ which means a hundred years (like, of health), so if someone sneezes again I just increase the number of years by a factor of ten.
You can also say ๆไบบๆณไฝ which means someone misses you, so after the first time I just start saying the pets of random celebrities miss you.
ReCursing ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 10:09:03 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
"John Cleese's gold fish misses you"
Warhawk137 ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 05:00:33 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
My mother always sneezes three times. Three shall be the number she shall sneeze, and the number of the sneezing shall be three. Four shalt she not sneeze, neither sneeze she two, excepting that she then proceed to three. Five is right out.
[deleted] ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 05:15:27 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I used to play a priest in wow whenever someone on centrally sneezed I would stop doing what e er it was I was supposed to be doing just to cast fortitude on them
Tomloes ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 01:16:00 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I usually follow up with Go Fuck Yourself
Sandriell ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 02:18:39 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Sneeze
Bless You.
Sneeze
Bless You. Go for three, they're no longer free.
OnTheProwl- ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 03:56:51 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I'll say "bless you" for the first two sneezes, but if they sneeze a third time I say "alright, now you're just being greedy."
ghostfacechillah ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 04:07:09 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I used to shush people when they sneezed in class like during a test or something. Never failed to get a chuckle.
Laserdollarz ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 04:26:20 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Lately, I've been telling coworkers "Go bless yourself" after a sneeze.
About30Ninjas ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 08:34:54 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Hey! I do this :P
bjorn2reddit ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:18:48 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Yes. This. Every time.
bootsiecat ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:42:12 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
After the second one I say,"Bless you for the rest of the day".
foghornlegbeard ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:03:21 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
My husband sneezes about a billion times after he eats. This is now my stock reply for the subsequent sneezes. Thanks!
FollowKick ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:21:36 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
My 7th grade History teacher ranted to us about people who sneeze multiple times. "IM NOT GONNA SAY 'GOD BLESS YOU' MULTIPLE TIMES." He was legitimately upset.
stevestloo ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:33:08 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
After the second sneeze I say "Alright, move on...." as serious as I can.
Serverindisguise ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:34:59 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
In college...
ME- sneeze BF- Bless you. ME- 2nd sneeze BF- Whatever.
727Super27 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 04:21:54 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
If you were to die suddenly, your dad would never be able to sneeze without feeling terrible about it.
Tsunoba ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 08:29:15 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Three sneezes is acceptable, but the fourth one? "You're pushing it."
dancingbanana123 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 08:46:59 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I do something similar. I say "God bless you" and if they sneeze a lot, I say "Listen, God's a very busy man. He doesn't have time for this."
PM_ME_UR_GNOMES ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 09:18:55 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Gnome's guide to sneeze blessing etiquette
Bless You
Gezundheit
Go to Hell
yosemitesambo ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 09:24:07 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I have a co worker who chews tobacco. He always says "I need a chew . So I always say "bless you" and then he says "what are you taking about"
corylew ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 09:50:41 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
When I know a friend is going to keep sneezing I just lay on the "shut up! Stop! Be quiet!" Between sneezes. I also teach elementary school and when someone starts sneezing I yell at them for talking in class.
Alerion ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 10:50:38 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Dad: sneezes
Me: Bless you!
Dad: You're welcome.
Took me a second to figure out what was going on there the first time around.
Tridian ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 12:25:39 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
After one or two times of "Bless you!" my family switches to "Stop that!"
_phospholipid_ ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 13:21:37 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I have a friend who responds to other people sneezing with "I would say "Bless you" but it looks like God already has"
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 13:33:26 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
A teacher of mine used to say for the first sneeze: God bless you Second: God save you Third: God tried honey
naut ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 13:47:03 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
RoachGirl ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 14:47:31 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I always tell people to go kick a bucket after the third sneeze.
RanzhaVEmodrach ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:44:48 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Good friend of mine says "Bless" after the first sneeze, and "You" after the second.
That way it's still polite if they've sneezed only once.
epicolocity ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:13:02 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
ugh, my mom does this every fucking time i sneeze.
Trust me your dad hates you.
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:50:44 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
My friend always sneezes in threes so we all wait until after the third one to say anything.
HowManyMoreX ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 23:46:01 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
The 2nd time, I like to say, "Quit milkin it"
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 04:14:19 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I'm bilingual and learning a third language, so I like to switch until I run out of languages, then just yell, "STOP IT" to the next one. My dad has really intense sneezing fits sometimes
ep1032 ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 08:21:39 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
A friend of mine trained himself to sneeze the wod gazuntheit. Never failed to make people do a triple take, was absurd / hilarious
newman1944 ยท 766 points ยท Posted at 20:36:47 on August 20, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
This is a goldmine for dad jokes!!!
retarded-horse ยท 1976 points ยท Posted at 21:09:12 on August 20, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
A goldmine and a goldyours too!
Mr_PewPew ยท 391 points ยท Posted at 01:31:10 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Omfg
keanedawg ยท 16 points ยท Posted at 06:21:35 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Dad plz get off
Dreadwatch ยท 11 points ยท Posted at 14:38:25 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Well if you insist....unzip
IRKittyz ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 21:27:53 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Can't stop laughing!
notarunima ยท 13 points ยท Posted at 12:46:52 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Have this ๐ golden moon thingy because I'm too broke to give you gold.
[deleted] ยท 11 points ยท Posted at 13:59:20 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
So... A sun?
WhatAGayTwist ยท 7 points ยท Posted at 14:08:26 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
OP can't into thinkeding.
notarunima ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 15:26:58 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
No! A golden moon thingy! Geez!
dreadead ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:00:15 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
The big yellow one is the sun
VexxinVega ยท 8 points ยท Posted at 01:45:42 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I laughed way too hard at this. Have your upvote
perdipp ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 09:52:31 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
hahahaha you deservve a gold
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 07:38:02 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Take my upvote. You earned it.
Astarax ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 13:25:39 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Dad?
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:30:05 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Wait, there's clearly genius here but I don't get it...
Paffmassa ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:01:13 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Godammit. I'm out of here.
LGBTreecko ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 21:53:29 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I wish that goldyours you got could also be goldmine!
BlackfishBlues ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 04:16:58 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
wow
how dare you
BrightShadow88 ยท -7 points ยท Posted at 04:29:33 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
*What's a goldmine is also goldyours!
[deleted] ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 00:21:21 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
[removed]
WhiteVans ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 06:27:25 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Doesn't work outside of that college humor sketch, buddy
b1kerguy ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 00:21:28 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I almost just quoted Seinfeld to Newman
HypersonicHarpist ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 03:33:34 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I'm saving this thread to use on my nephew later.
stop_the_broats ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 10:09:19 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Hi goldmine for dad jokes, this is Dad
DMAtherton ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:15:52 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
So is r/dadjokes
mi_esposa_me_espia ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 14:19:32 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
furiously writes these down
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:49:52 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
/r/dadjokes for more
dancingbanana123 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 08:38:48 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Maybe it's a goldmine for reddit gold too! A boy can dream
AddiAtzen ยท 737 points ยท Posted at 23:29:05 on August 20, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
What is big, grey and not very important? An irrelephant.
(does it make sense in english?)
Mastifyr ยท 340 points ยท Posted at 23:39:46 on August 20, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Okay, now I want to know what language the joke was originally in.
AddiAtzen ยท 170 points ยท Posted at 00:06:19 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I realized it makes perfect sense because the important words are exactly the same. But there is another level to it. It is playing with this german-language-stereotype that you can just invent new words... Just like that. german-language-stereotype. One word.
Adarain ยท 133 points ยท Posted at 01:50:08 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I mean you can do the same thing in English, it's just that for some reason, unlike all the other Germanic languages, in English one usually puts spaces. But "Lebensversicherungsablaufdatum" and the english equivalent "life insurance expiration date" (yea I kinda ran out of ideas) are constructed in the exact same manner and both are pronounced like single words (only one fully stressed syllable, for example).
Additionally, in English, you can treat an entire sentence as a word for compounding, such as in "I don't like his English-has-no-compound-words attitude"
boreas907 ยท 313 points ยท Posted at 02:19:48 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Yeah, people always talk about how German is special for being a legoblockslanguage, but English definitely has the same wordmaking thing as well. It's usually the separated-by-dashes kind, just because English grammarlaw demands it, but these aren't the only made-up-on-the-fly words that happen and they're certainly just as real as German's supermassive compound words.
[deleted] ยท 67 points ยท Posted at 02:55:27 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
It's almost like contemporary English had a strong German influence or somethingโฆ
cowzroc ยท 14 points ยท Posted at 12:18:54 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Whoa now let's cut out the crazytalkhere
TurbanOnMyDickhead ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 16:23:43 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
What the fuck is your problem? Keep your voice down! People have been executed for treason for talking like that. They'll burn you at the stake!
system637 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 18:16:57 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
As if it's a Germanic language!
Saying_hello ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 21:18:49 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Hey, I didn't come here to learn!
Throwawayjust_incase ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 08:44:28 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
slow clap
triggerfish1 ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 15:18:19 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Actually, German grammar recommends using dashes at some point as well. Those crazy long words that you read about are grammatically correct, but not recommended.
EthanolEthan ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 13:17:23 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Doghouse is a compound word
Jathom ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 17:37:42 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Super Massive Compound Words sounds like a grammar school parody of a Muse song.
comic_serif ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:38:29 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Well done. Well done.
QParticle ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 11:52:47 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Baked Potato and Offenkartoffel
Balind ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 20:21:19 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Probably due to French influence.
[deleted] ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 09:12:45 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Also called "Neologismus" if it sounds like it makes sense, it's a waord.
[deleted] ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 14:04:31 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
[deleted]
TrueMrSkeltal ยท 8 points ยท Posted at 14:13:30 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I am Groot
iLaCore ยท -1 points ยท Posted at 01:44:32 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Ummm. But that's no new word?
abstract_misuse ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 06:48:52 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
What dictionary are you using where "irrelephant" is a word?
HammletHST ยท 11 points ยท Posted at 05:40:02 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Sounds German. Elefant is pronounced almost exactly the same as relevant (the German versions of elephant and relevant, respectively).
Plus, that's very in the style of so-called "Flachwitze", really retarted, unfunny jokes
calnamu ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 20:39:48 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
You already mentioned it was German! /s
[deleted] ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 06:12:37 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
It does to me.
UselessGadget ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 12:30:36 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
That's actually REALLY good as "the elephant in the room" is an expression used for a large problem that nobody is talking about. So an irrelephant would be the opposite of that.
AddiAtzen ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:03:04 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I'd love to be part of the creation of a new saying. Keep me informed.
Ohilevoe ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:42:21 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Anything that is unrelated to elephants is irrelephant.
jumpingjacks07 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 12:02:10 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
That's unbearable
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 12:51:58 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Que es gris, grande, y no muy importante? Un irrelefante
alwaysrelephant ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 13:23:54 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Nonsense.
freak47 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 14:59:18 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Anything not related to elephants is irrelephant.
ReCursing ยท 1108 points ยท Posted at 19:32:41 on August 20, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
"It's all fun and games until someone loses an eye... and then it's fun and games with no depth perception"
Ajeezely ยท 412 points ยท Posted at 23:09:29 on August 20, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
It's all shits and giggles until someone giggles and shits.
MortalShadow ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 20:58:13 on August 22, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Literally just giggled and shat. On the toilet so I'm safe.
[deleted] ยท 181 points ยท Posted at 22:25:35 on August 20, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
[deleted]
ReCursing ยท 8 points ยท Posted at 22:27:48 on August 20, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Excellent!
yoguy2 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:36:52 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Ah, good ol' C&H.
watchinggymnastics ยท 131 points ยท Posted at 22:10:09 on August 20, 2016 ยท (Permalink)*
It's all fun and games until someone loses an eye. Then it's just a game: Find the Eye
romeonohomeo ยท 7 points ยท Posted at 00:35:21 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I can't believe I actually laughed at this.
AdamFiction ยท 16 points ยท Posted at 20:21:10 on August 20, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
It's always funny until someone gets hurt. Then it's hilarious.
BookishRuth ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 03:54:30 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
My uncle used to have this on a T-shirt. Every time I hear this, I think of that.
Glinth ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 00:01:29 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
"It's all fun and games until someone loses an eye... then it's a sport."
DustySpokes ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 02:25:43 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I always liked "It's fun and games until someone pokes out an eye...then it's just fun"
MattProducer ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 04:09:02 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
... Then it's fun you can't see,
About30Ninjas ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 08:35:33 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Or..
It's all fun and games until someone loses an eye... Then it's really funny
Damocles2010 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 10:40:16 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
It used to be "It is all fun and games - until the Wii remote hits the plasma."
LastCatastrophe ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 10:42:37 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
... And then it's ping pong!
Nathan16 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 13:29:03 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
"It's all fun and games until somebody loses an eye, and then it becomes a sport."
crazy_family ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 15:34:03 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Its just fun and games until someone loses an eye, then its twice the fun because you have something to play with.
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:29:02 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
rip Demomans eye
helpusobi1 ยท 550 points ยท Posted at 23:42:17 on August 20, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
i may have alzheimer's but at least I don't have alzheimer's.
TheToastBurning ยท 17 points ยท Posted at 06:17:47 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I may have dementia but at least I don't have briefcase tacos
L_H_O_O_Q_ ยท 15 points ยท Posted at 09:32:13 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Q: How many Alzheimer's patients does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: To get to the other side!
FunkDoctaSpock ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 03:48:32 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
An old man goes to his doctor for the results of his annual checkup. The doctor comes in, looking very solemn, and says, "I'm afraid I have some bad news - you have cancer and Alzheimer's."
The old man looks relieved and replies, "Thank god I don't have cancer!"
Zenechai ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 01:32:48 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I had to change this to "short term memory loss" when I reposted it on Facebook.
Still one of the funniest damn things I've ever heard.
CanadianBurritos ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 02:15:31 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Hahahahaha
TitanicJedi ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 14:32:52 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Whats nuts is this old codger at my school jokes about alzheimers and rips these during school hours to kids. How he has a job? I asked. He forgot.
LowDownDirtyMeme ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:13:06 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
And you get to meet new people everyday.
aFreeMindHasNoParty ยท 293 points ยท Posted at 20:25:10 on August 20, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
When people come to my pizza shop and order food to go but say they will be right back to pick it up; I always let them know that's fine, we will wait here for you. Most people don't get it or think it's dumb but for that one old lady I'm pretty sure it made her day.
fuzzymidget ยท 175 points ยท Posted at 00:42:00 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I constantly do this to waiters when they say "I'll be right back with your ___."
My wife hates when I do this and some times says it before I can and gives me a "what now, bitch?!" look. The servers seem to enjoy it if they are listening... Because I'm the customer and they have to.
TraumatizedMonkey ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 01:14:44 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I'm tired and oblivious. Please explain the joke.
fuzzymidget ยท 9 points ยท Posted at 01:24:18 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
They say " I'll be right back..." You say: "ok, well wait here." As if you might run off whole they get drinks.
aFreeMindHasNoParty ยท 11 points ยท Posted at 02:51:44 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Exactly. One person even told me he wouldn't be mad if got back and the whole store was gone because that would be "some trick sonny"
dizzley ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 11:56:26 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Yeah, who's the waiter now?
mcswiss ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 12:37:07 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Same goes for hookers
bdiggles ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 04:10:06 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
this joke would make my day. keep using it pizza guy
renegade2point0 ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 04:12:19 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
This reminds me of when I make plans to meet someone, I always say I'll be the guy that looks like me.
captionquirk ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 05:03:53 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Is the joke that "to wait" on someone also means "to serve"?
aFreeMindHasNoParty ยท 9 points ยท Posted at 05:09:52 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
No damn it the joke is I'm paid to be there. The store isn't going anywhere so it's just stating the obvious because they just did the same to me. I don't give a shit if you order and pay for a pizza and never come back to get it that's your deal. So telling me you will be right back is just as obvious as me saying we will wait here for you.
dancingbanana123 ยท 13 points ยท Posted at 08:55:28 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
It was so obvious, I thought that there had to be another hidden joke and I think I had a damn near stroke trying to figure it out.
hardly_quinn ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:36:52 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I do that at the coffeeshop, when people say they'll be right back I tell them "Okay, I'll wait here, I've got nowhere else to be."
MrBearface ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:55:16 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
When ever a guy comes in to pick up under a girls name I always say
"Oh, you don't really look like a Mary!"
granpappynurgle ยท 681 points ยท Posted at 20:01:36 on August 20, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Why was the lizard mad at her husband?
He had a reptile dysfunction.
potsieharris ยท 188 points ยท Posted at 02:37:29 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
why was the lizard mad at his wife?
because he had reptile dysfunction but instead of being understanding and supportive she got irrationally mad
granpappynurgle ยท 17 points ยท Posted at 04:28:36 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
You ok buddy? Wanna talk about it?
potsieharris ยท 11 points ยท Posted at 04:36:34 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
i am fine, thank you pal
trulysaylt ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 14:05:44 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I'm not your pal, man
TurbanOnMyDickhead ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:24:14 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I'm not your man, friend.
[deleted] ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 11:35:08 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Bitch.
Leash_Me_Blue ยท 114 points ยท Posted at 22:46:05 on August 20, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
เฒ _เฒ
oighen ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 07:43:32 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Those lusty argonian maids...
e-reptileDisfunction ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 04:22:44 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I find this amusing.
lying_truther ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 07:01:29 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Underrated joke of the thread
Vespinae ยท 826 points ยท Posted at 20:00:58 on August 20, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Whenever someone says, "I need a haircut." I say, "which one?"
Nahoj-N ยท 363 points ยท Posted at 21:33:48 on August 20, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
That sounds really annoying, I like it.
Leash_Me_Blue ยท 143 points ยท Posted at 22:43:30 on August 20, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
When someone asks if I got a haircut when I obviously did, I reply with "nah, new wig"
Nahoj-N ยท 93 points ยท Posted at 22:47:16 on August 20, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Here in The Netherlands, people will ask you if "you've fallen down the stairs" when you got a new haircut. I still don't understand the connection between losing hair and falling down the stairs..
Adarain ยท 54 points ยท Posted at 01:42:48 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
You've got it nice, in my school we had a ritual where if you got a haircut everyone had one attempt to slap you on the neck.
An_Innocent_Bunny ยท 116 points ยท Posted at 03:03:38 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Where did you go to school, prison?
Usernameisntthatlong ยท 10 points ยท Posted at 04:09:29 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
They call that a "barber slap" here in Canada (Toronto).
tidEofficial ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 12:18:26 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
We do it here in Switzerland too.
Adarain ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 12:28:40 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I know, I am swiss :)
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 12:45:09 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
[deleted]
Adarain ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 12:59:54 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
From Chur
Taclite ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 13:33:56 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Are you Chur? he he
NewUser5391 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 06:56:41 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Indian found. Oh the painful hurts
Adarain ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 12:28:53 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Nope, Swiss
coscorrodrift ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:13:24 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Yeah we did that on Spain too
RoyalNobody ยท 13 points ยท Posted at 01:29:55 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
-He, ben je naar een de kapper geweest in Australie? -Hoezo? -Sydney.
MichaelOLynn ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 05:14:01 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Here in Australia, we sometimes ask if someone lost a fight with a lawn mower if they get their hair cut.
whisperingsage ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 14:01:53 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I mean, at least there's a cutting implement involved. Stairs don't cut hair well.
planetmadness ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 23:37:04 on August 20, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
That's a new one for me
Soldier1317 ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 00:34:12 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Maybe you fall down the stairs, your hair gets caught on something ,and it needs to be cut off because it looks ridiculous.
Tapirsarewild ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 05:49:30 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Here in The Netherlands, people will ask you if "you've fallen down the stairs"
Perhaps a sort of cockney rhyming slang... stairs rhymes with hair.... best guess
TheDutchCoder ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 12:51:45 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
"stairs" in Dutch is not "stairs" (which, believe it or not, is English). It's "trap".
Tapirsarewild ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:30:32 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Ah, didn't know that. Welp, your guess is as good as mine then!
[deleted] ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 08:20:51 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Ben je van de trap gevallen? ('Did you fall down the stairs?') - asked of a person who has had a radical haircut. This is what I found!
whisperingsage ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 14:03:14 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
So is it more like saying they have an extreme version of bedhead, or is it saying they must've fallen down the stairs and hit their head before asking for the haircut?
BASEDME7O ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 04:49:20 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
That's genius. They've figured out how to avoid stupid answers only a redditor would find funny
Wuslus ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 11:12:07 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Both common for old people?
jacobovicz ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 13:08:53 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I'm Dutch for 22 years now and I've never heard that expression...
Nahoj-N ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 13:56:04 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
https://onzetaal.nl/taaladvies/advies/van-de-trap-gevallen-zijn
jacobovicz ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 14:00:01 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Enig idee misschien in welk deel van Nederland dit gebruikt wordt? In Amsterdam heb ik het nog nooit gehoord... En als Amsterdammer kom ik uiteraard zelden buiten de ring.
Nahoj-N ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 14:11:42 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Het zou inderdaad goed kunnen dat het voornamelijk in het Noorden van het land wordt gebruikt. Ik woon zelf in Friesland en het wordt hier (helaas) iets te vaak gebruikt.
Alirius ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 13:12:37 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Never heard that before.
Sauce: am dutch
Nahoj-N ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 13:56:13 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
https://onzetaal.nl/taaladvies/advies/van-de-trap-gevallen-zijn
joshhunter45 ยท 7 points ยท Posted at 01:39:24 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I respond with "Nope, got my ears lowered"
chopstyks ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 00:51:40 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
"I had my ears lowered."
Shrimpables ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 00:43:19 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I like to say "yea all of them, actually!"
TheRainbowNinja ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 01:10:50 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
"Nah, i just dyed the tips invisible"
[deleted] ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 04:34:04 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
My go to is "No! There was this terrible brush fire....." 0 laughs so far.
ChargeYourBattery ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 04:49:46 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
"I washed it the other day and it shrunk"
ER_nesto ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 11:05:53 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I just deny it.
It's gotten to the point where nobody asks any more.
Striker654 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 11:52:32 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
"Lost a fight with a lawnmower"
cowzroc ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 12:20:52 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
My dad says, "No, I got lots of hairs cut." I've begun to preemptively ask, "Did you get lots of hairs cut?"
Pun_In_Ten_Did ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:51:15 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
"Nah, got 'em all cut."
NekoAbyss ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 22:38:38 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I've used that. People thought I was serious.
Timett_son_of_Timett ยท 76 points ยท Posted at 22:11:07 on August 20, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Or to that point when someone asks if you've had a haircut you say "not just one. I got them all cut!"
3rdGenENG ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 03:50:19 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
http://5secondfilms.com/watch/haircut
tenkadaiichi ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 11:41:50 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
My dad always went with "no, I had my ears lowered". Obviously I carry on this proud tradition.
usernamedthebox ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:12:17 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
My dad always used this one. Now I say "Hey! You got your hairs cut!" Instead
LookingForBearFacts ยท 8 points ยท Posted at 23:36:14 on August 20, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Coupled with, "Did you get a haircut?" "Yeah, all of them."
I knew a guy once who would say "No, I dyed my tips invisible."
skale42 ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 06:35:58 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
My grandfather had the running joke whenever a family member got a haircut:
Gramps: "Oh, you got your hair cut, which one?"
Me: "Haha, gramps, funny."
"Where did you get your hair cut?"
"At such and such place."
"I get mine on my head."
Oatau ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 01:43:17 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I say, "nope my head got bigger". Nobody laughs.
YoshiXIII ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 04:01:32 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Fido Dido.
yoshibestfan ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 08:29:39 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)*
Thank you, now I finally have something to say to those old people who tell me to get a hair cut!
dancingbanana123 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 08:51:31 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
"Did you get a haircut?"
"No, I got some hairs cut."
PinkieBen ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 11:53:41 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I do a similar thing. Whenever anyone asks if I got a haircut I reply with "I got several."
cowzroc ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 12:19:59 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Found my father.
2rgeir ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 16:41:40 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
"Did you get your hair cut?
-"no, the hairdresser did it"
And
"Did you hear that the hairdresser down the street doesn't cut hair any longer?"
-"...?"
"No, she only cuts it shorter."
Jathom ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 17:34:10 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Anytime my students notice I've gotten a haircut I always point out that I got them all cut.
kkibe ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 22:33:43 on August 20, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I am whoosh. xplain pls
HalfSaneHalfWit ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 22:37:32 on August 20, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
There is lots of hairs on his/her head.
Vespinae ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 02:15:23 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
The reply is assuming the first person had said, "I need a hair cut" as in one individual hair haha
sassysassafrassass ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 23:32:13 on August 20, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
You don't only get one cut do you?
bananaflame ยท 1276 points ยท Posted at 23:35:44 on August 20, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
"Hey, do you know how when birds fly in a v formation sometimes one side of the v is longer? Ever wondered why that is? It's because there's more birds on that side."
4x49ers ยท 333 points ยท Posted at 05:08:55 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I always heard it simpler.
(Looking up at birds flying in a V)
You know why that side is longer?
Why?
There's more birds on that side.
thecoolestguyonearth ยท 100 points ยท Posted at 05:59:30 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Your way works if you happen to actually see birds flying in a V shape in the sky, but OP's works for most other situations.
thedailynathan ยท 14 points ยท Posted at 11:34:23 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
The joke works better when there's birds in the sky regardless. Otherwise your audience will be like "why are they bringing up bird formatio- omg no not another dad joke"
barneytotos ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 15:33:37 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
exactly
4x49ers ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 06:08:53 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I guess I've never lived somewhere that didn't have very many birds. I've got enough dad jokes I don't need to create a set up, they are available in all situations lol.
SmartAlec105 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 15:15:31 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Giraffes have long necks because if their necks were any shorter, they wouldn't reach their head.
FerretWrath ยท 12 points ยท Posted at 06:16:40 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
"How long is a string" "Twice as long as half of it."
deityblade ยท 7 points ยท Posted at 06:56:28 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Omg my dad used to do this on car trips, it was the worst
"How much longer till we get there?"
"Twice as long as half the time!"
UnknwnSoldier ยท 14 points ยท Posted at 02:50:01 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Tears.... streaming down my face. Sides hurt.
[deleted] ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 07:07:47 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
[deleted]
darkspine509 ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 07:11:52 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
There's big poop on his sweater already
budalicious ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:21:29 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Mom's spaghetti
cubalibre21 ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 08:16:20 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I love non-joke jokes. This is great.
Call_Me_Big_Ppapa ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 05:08:10 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
For your health!
shorterthantherest ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 12:00:11 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
This is my favourite shit joke of all time. I tell it all the time.
W1ldman247 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:31:19 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
That's pretty neat
ZMAN24250 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:38:10 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Thanks dad.
I'm gunna borrow that one.
ColonelYuri ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 08:52:55 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Did you know, if you took every bone in a snake and laid them end to end in a long line, you'd have a snake.
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 13:23:03 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
In 2008, a man in Montana used his toaster to make toast.
YOU_WANT_ANTS ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 13:56:04 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
These are my favorite jokes.
CatPatronus ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:56:51 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Reminds me of "Did you know if you stacked enough elephants to reach the moon most of the elephants would die?"
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:52:01 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
r/antijokes
twistedtrick ยท 500 points ยท Posted at 22:16:46 on August 20, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
When anyone says words ending in -er, for example fluster.
Fluster? I barely even know her.
ianwulf527 ยท 340 points ยท Posted at 00:31:11 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Rectum? It nearly killed him.
ninja36036 ยท 66 points ยท Posted at 04:19:27 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I though it was, "Rectum? It damn near killed 'em!"
Springheeljac ยท 13 points ยท Posted at 05:40:41 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
This is the superior version.
daweinah ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 11:53:31 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
It took me a long time to get this. Like, years.
traplord56 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 14:38:08 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Redneck word of the day: rectum. I had two four-wheelers until I rectum.
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 12:22:23 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Rectum? Damn near killed em.
prizefyter ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:42:15 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Sphincter? I don't even know 'er!
CertifiedCoffeeDrunk ยท -11 points ยท Posted at 04:28:57 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Ftfy
technoninja1 ยท 143 points ยท Posted at 01:36:55 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Liquor? I barely know her.
TheFuckNameYouWant ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 16:42:28 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Liquor in the front poker in the rear.
NotThisFucker ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:47:39 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
What's the old girls name? I have no idear
Shut-up-Farva ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 10:31:44 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Liquor, she'll love it
rolldadice ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:48:35 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Liquor? I just met her
boreas907 ยท 30 points ยท Posted at 02:10:40 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
"Supercollider? I 'ardly know her!"
igotthegoldenticket ยท 11 points ยท Posted at 02:49:54 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)*
"Michael, there's a Charles Miner here to see you." "Miner? I hardly know her"
beepbeepitsajeep ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 06:57:48 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Lol charler
specter376 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 07:02:34 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
They're too young to be a miner!
Amoreena23 ยท 11 points ยท Posted at 02:27:57 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Condom? I was perfectly honest with him.
MiladyWho ยท 9 points ยท Posted at 04:23:34 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Poker? I barely know her!
Woild ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 14:45:46 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Or, as it says on the saloon sign
"Liquor in the front, poker in the rear"
dasyakky ยท 8 points ยท Posted at 02:29:28 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
This is my only thought when I watch a Detroit Tigers game that Doug Fister is pitching.
PM_ME_YOUR_FELINE ยท 8 points ยท Posted at 04:19:58 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Pupper? I barely know her!
ExtraSmooth ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 03:51:39 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Gutter? I hardly know her
ShadowlandsProd ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 04:32:39 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I made the mistake of saying this one to my friends. They thought it was really funny, and say it every time a word ends in er. Even if it doesn't make any sense.
Lowbacca1977 ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 04:47:10 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)*
"Manchester? I don't even know her"
This may be the joke that I've become most associated with over the years
This also included sending postcards that just said "I don't even know her" from The Excalibur and Luxor casinos in Vegas and Barringer Meteor Crater in Arizona.
Rihannas_nipples ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 06:24:19 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I met a kid named Pfister once, clearly his name became a joke
MagicBandAid ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 04:15:09 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
My favourite is when I played FFXIII, and one of the battle roles is ravager.
typeswithgenitals ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 05:18:56 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I do this relentlessly and compulsively
AverageJoe313 ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 07:08:49 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Solicitor? I hardly know her!
[deleted] ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 04:29:33 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Tissue... I don't even know you!!!
ThaiFighter_ ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 05:41:22 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
POKER!? I barely even know her!
WolfSpartan1 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 05:57:22 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I live in Bangor. With the local accent, it's pronounced Banger. I hear the joke almost daily.
RagingAardvark ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 12:55:28 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Our sink drain has the manufacturer 's name on it: Pfister. Makes me giggle every time I brush my teeth.
Safraninflare ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 08:46:46 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Moved to a new neighborhood from an apartment complex. Go to connect to the wifi for the the first time. Most of the people here are old as balls but sure enough there's a wifi network called "Router? I hardly know her"
Tinfoil-LinedHat ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:12:57 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Could you please explain that joke? Im not a native speaker and im having a hard time trying to get it.
Safraninflare ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 20:17:54 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
When you say a word ending in -er, it sort of sounds like you're saying -verb- her. So you can make it into a sexual innuendo.
If we're using the fluster example, it sounds like you're saying flust her. Flust is a nonsense word, like many terms used to say "having sex" without saying "having sex."
So we have flust her. but this hypothetical woman is a stranger to the joke teller. So "Flust her? I hardly know her." would mean "have sex with this random woman? But we aren't acquainted."
I hope I explained it well.
Tinfoil-LinedHat ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 21:47:53 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Aaaah so its assumed that the word before -er is a slang for sex? Hahaha
Rndom_Gy_159 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 12:38:44 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Thriller? I barely even know her!
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 14:15:50 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
My fav variation of this joke is when someone uses the word romper.
MisterEvilBreakfast ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:11:52 on August 22, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Exactly how often does that come up?
Tinfoil-LinedHat ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:13:27 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Could you please explain the joke? Im.not a native speaker and I cant seem to understand it :(
bazookafox ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:30:36 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Soccer? I would never punch a girl.
drinkthebleach ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 21:45:47 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
My WiFi name is Router? I hardly know her!
HowManyMoreX ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 23:50:08 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)*
"That's a good-looking bank-teller."
"HEY LADY! That's a good looking bank!"
shredbarefoot ยท 486 points ยท Posted at 19:56:52 on August 20, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
What do you call a fish with no eyes?
A fsh.
me_earl ยท 336 points ยท Posted at 23:21:00 on August 20, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
What do you call a deer with no eyes?
No eye deer
FunForTheTeam ยท 232 points ยท Posted at 23:36:39 on August 20, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
What do you call a deer with no dick and no eyes?
No fucking eye deer
SolTrainRnsOnHolGran ยท 228 points ยท Posted at 23:47:08 on August 20, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
What do you call a deer with no legs, no dick, and no eyes?
Still no fucking eye deer.
ad0lfhipster ยท 304 points ยท Posted at 00:18:42 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
What do you call a cow with 3 legs? Lean beef.
What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef.
What do you call a cow with 2 legs? YO MAMA
sechswithchad ยท 116 points ยท Posted at 01:43:28 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
My girlfriend ran away with an Indian guy to India. I'm not worried; she'll be fine because I hear that they worship cows over there!
Scream26 ยท 9 points ยท Posted at 02:06:33 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
What do you call a dog with no legs? It doesn't matter - it still won't come.
[deleted] ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 05:13:37 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
What do you call a masturbating cow? Beef stroganoff.
a_legit_account ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 05:31:18 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs in a pile of leaves? Russel.
What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs in a pool? Bob.
What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs in a hole? Phil.
themikebrown ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 04:18:29 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
What do you call a dog with no legs?
Doesn't matter he's not coming to you anyway.
Fap2theBeat ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 08:34:28 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
What do you call nuts on the wall? Walnuts
What do you call nuts on your chest? Chestnuts
What do you call nuts on your chin? A DICK IN YO MOUTH!
d_nat ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 06:46:32 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I thought three legs was tritip.
TastyHorse ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 07:56:50 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Hot damn.
pixelmeow ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:44:55 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I love YO MAMA jokes.
Huuju ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 20:14:05 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
What do you call a cow with one leg? Steak.
BaconusThunderous ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 22:25:56 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
What do you call a cow jumping over a barbed wire fence? Udder destruction...
ScroteMcGoate ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 02:19:24 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
OTHER PEOPLE KNOW THIS JOKE!!!!! So happy.
BADABOOM123 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 06:02:17 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
What do you call a deer with no dick no eyes no legs and is bleeding everywhere?
Still no bloody fucking eye dear
captain_ion ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 20:46:15 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
What do you call a cross between an elephant and a rhino? Elephino.
FinnJakeBMO ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 08:06:32 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
what do you call a deer with no ears, no eyes, and no dick and hails from rome?
Definitely [deaf in italy] no fucking idea
jp_newman ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 11:18:28 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
This is good
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 12:22:36 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
What do you call a nation where all of the cars are red?
A red car nation.
ExtraSmooth ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 03:51:08 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
What do you call a deer with no legs and no eyes?
Still no-eye deer
TheIceCreamMansBro2 ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 04:39:40 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Naw man, it's better like this imo.
"What do you call a deer with no eyes?"
"What do you call a dead deer with no eyes?"
"What do you call a dead deer with no eyes and no legs?"
bigdickpuncher ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 04:41:13 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
A Deer Blind
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 23:30:43 on August 20, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
LOL
coffeecat69 ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 00:03:48 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
What do you call a deer with no eyes and no legs?
Still no eye deer
vandancouver ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 00:07:05 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
What Do you call a deer with no eyes and no legs?
Still no eye deer
Itsnotironic444 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 05:20:24 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
What did the fish say when it swam into a wall?
Dam
beech017 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 06:34:09 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
okay, Marshall.
viccie211 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 06:38:29 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
A ghot
shredbarefoot ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 06:59:39 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I see what you did there.( อกยฐ อส อกยฐ)
dancingbanana123 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 08:50:40 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Do you happen to be a 5 year old kindergartner? When I was student-teaching, there was a kid who told me this same fucking joke 29 times in a row. He didn't even get it, he just kept laughing and asking it over and over again. He ended up asking shit like "What do you call a wall with no eyes? A FSH!" Every single time I had to give a pity laugh to make this kid feel good about his shitty joke. Every. Single. Time.
angry_biscuit ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 12:14:10 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
What do you call a fish with one eye?
A fish.
THE_GR8_MIKE ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:31:24 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
For fucks sake. God I love these.
chronographer ยท 407 points ยท Posted at 22:39:52 on August 20, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
What did the cold and angry man have for dinner?
A BrrrrGrrrrr.
[deleted] ยท 10 points ยท Posted at 04:00:21 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Well hotdog, that was a good one.
chronographer ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 04:36:17 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Thought I'd better chip in.
MechanicalHorse ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 14:26:24 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
This is the most hilariously bad one in the entire thread.
thatstoomuchsauce ยท 338 points ยท Posted at 22:12:11 on August 20, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
What do you call a patronising criminal walking down the stairs? A condescending con descending!
Captain_Taggart ยท 156 points ยท Posted at 01:32:27 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
What do you call a short psychic running from the law?
A small medium at large!
_-Dan-_ ยท 10 points ยท Posted at 04:18:36 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
What do you call a criminal midget climbing down a prison fence while sneering at the guards?
A little con descending.
[deleted] ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 12:51:47 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Psychic puns are a lot like steak puns, they are a rare medium well-done.
Captain_Taggart ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 18:24:19 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
standing ovation
Wickywire ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 12:58:00 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I just realized this is the actual plot for Minority report.
Postmortal_Pop ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:06:54 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I can't upvote this enough
greenlaser3 ยท 66 points ยท Posted at 01:45:22 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Just in case you haven't seen it... https://m.reddit.com/r/WordAvalanches/comments/3ogese/a_swindler_passes_by_a_bird_in_the_stairwell_of
Throwawayjust_incase ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 08:57:42 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Holy shit.
keenanpepper ยท 8 points ยท Posted at 03:34:53 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
/r/wordavalanches
elmothearsonist ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 10:51:15 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
What do you call a short prisoner escaping out the window? A little con descending
nuclear_fizzics ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:42:27 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
What's the difference between a dirty bus stop and a lobster with breast implants?
One is a crusty bus station and the other is a busty crustacean
GenoKeno ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:49:02 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
If you had second thoughts about booking some time at a Native American community, you'd be having a reservation reservation reservation!
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:40:20 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
One cutting edge aquarium saved a lot of money when its owner discovered a means to make the dolphins live forever -- since the dolphins never died, no money needed to be spent on buying new ones. Extending the dolphins' lives required putting a special mixture into their food; one of the ingredients was baby sea gull meat. So one day, one of the workers was sent to the beach to find some. On the way back, baby sea gulls in hand, he had to pass through a forest. In the middle of the path was a sleeping lion. He very carefully stepped over it, only to be handcuffed by a policeman.
"Officer," he said, "what's going on?"
"You're under arrest," said the policeman.
"But why?" he asked.
The policeman replied, "For transporting young gulls across sedate lions for immortal porpoises."
MTeson ยท 1469 points ยท Posted at 00:11:33 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
You ever hear the one about the Mexican magician?
(Don't worry it's not racist)
So the Mexican magician says, "I'm gonna disappear on the count of three," so he goes "Uno, dos..." And then he VANISHED....without a tres.
[deleted] ยท 556 points ยท Posted at 02:08:56 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I imagine when you tell this joke you include the (don't worry it's not racist) part.
Tupnado21 ยท 133 points ยท Posted at 04:40:22 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
You might think it's dads joke, but no ma's.
FusionRex ยท 112 points ยท Posted at 04:57:29 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
OP: You ever hear the joke about the Mexican magician?
Friend: Wha-
OP: DON'T WORRY ITS NOT RACIST
F: oh.. o-
OP: So the Mexican magician says, "I'm gonna disappear on the count of three," so he goes "Uno, dos..." And then he VANISHED....without a tres. hahaha
F: ...
Kinkydragonfly ยท 9 points ยท Posted at 10:31:18 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I'm losing my shit, lmfao.
CallMeWaltrop ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 15:23:19 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
do something, look for it.
well, it's a lame jokes thread, so?
MTeson ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 15:27:39 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Pretty much. I work for a social justice nonprofit so you have to be super careful about that kind of thing.
MTeson ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 13:01:47 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Everytime
mi_esposa_me_espia ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 14:21:14 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
"Wow what a great audience"
Hq3473 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:51:47 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
You can just change Mexican to Spanish.
fiddyspent ยท 236 points ยท Posted at 02:03:59 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
What do you call a Mexican pilot?
A pilot, you racist!
JMurray1121 ยท 156 points ยท Posted at 03:03:59 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
What do you call a black man in space?
An astronaut
Pure_Reason ยท 158 points ยท Posted at 04:52:57 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
How do you find Will Smith in the snow? You look for the fresh prints
MiningdiamondsVIII ยท 15 points ยท Posted at 07:47:26 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
How do you get Will Smith to come to you? You ring the bell 'ere.
greedcrow ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 21:26:21 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Finger prints? I dont think so
[deleted] ยท 319 points ยท Posted at 03:35:34 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)*
[deleted]
BenjamintheFox ยท 17 points ยท Posted at 12:47:53 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
What do you call 50 lawyers at the bottom of the ocean?
A good start.
Alirius ยท 7 points ยท Posted at 13:08:02 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
:(
Zubat_Breeder ยท 9 points ยท Posted at 08:30:57 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
We are ALL black men in space on this blessed day!
-y-y- ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 14:19:55 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Speak for yourself.
Zubat_Breeder ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 15:58:34 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I am ALL black men in space on this blessed day!
FalseFun29 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 16:36:59 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I can't stop imagining the least functional frames for glasses when I see your username.
[deleted] ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 12:16:35 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Was your grandpa into very outlandish movies?
causal_friday ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 15:53:00 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I'm going to assume this is boasting about the success of a Science/Technology/Mathematics/Engineering outreach program.
InRealLifeImQuiteBig ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 16:02:37 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Evil Kinevil jumped 50 buses full of blacks yesterday. On a D12 high track bulldozer.
Thanks grandpa
taulover ยท 7 points ยท Posted at 05:49:19 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
What do you call a black man selling drugs?
A pharmacist.
TastyHorse ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 07:55:44 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
What do you call 20 black men buried up to their heads in snow?
Afro-turf
Guywiddahhair ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:06:01 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
A blackstronaut
Blamethetrolls ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 20:38:07 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
afronaut
xenonpulse ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 04:32:56 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
What do you call a Mexican with a rubber toe?
Roberto
IVTD4KDS ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 04:23:07 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
What do you call a Jew counting money?
An accountant
Drutarg ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 12:39:29 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
What do a Mexican and a cue ball have in common?
(Don't worry it's racist.)
The harder you hit them, the more English they know.
bdyelm ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:31:07 on August 22, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
This joke is better told as a black person to a white person:
What do you call a black man flying a plane?
The pilot you racist fuck!
Itsnotironic444 ยท 11 points ยท Posted at 05:14:52 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
What do you call four Mexicans in quicksand? Cuatro cinco
MChainsaw ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 11:05:33 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
That IS racist though! You don't think Spanish, Cuban, Guatemalan, Honduran, El Salvadorian, Costa rican, Nicaraguan, Panamaian, Colombian, Venezuelan, Ecuadorian, Peruvian, Bolivian, Chilean, Argentinian, Paraguayan, Uruguayan or Equatorial Guinean magicians are worth as much as Mexican ones, huh!?
MTeson ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 13:01:35 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
You can do it with all this nationalities though, I had it as a Mexican because the kid who told it to be is Mexican.
a_tiny_ant ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 13:09:46 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
What do you call a Mexican who lost his car?
Carlos
Fleischbart ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 12:09:11 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Vinny?
watafu_mx ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:45:51 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Why the Mexican Olympic team did awful at Rio 2016? Because every Mexican good at running, swimming, and jumping are already in the US.
johnwalkersbeard ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:24:48 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
What do you call a Mexican with a rubber toe?
Roberto
SavageBeatsJuugin ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 11:26:47 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
r/antijokes
Potatoprincessa ยท 767 points ยท Posted at 23:46:26 on August 20, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
"Did you hear about that actress that got stabbed? Reese what'sherface" "Witherspoon?" "NO, with a knife"
Laez ยท 323 points ยท Posted at 01:52:47 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Why didn't Reese Witherspoon want to marry Bill Withers? Didn't want to give up the poon.
ImmortanKenneth ยท 32 points ยท Posted at 05:42:35 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
How do you turn a duck into a soul singer? Stick it in a microwave until it's Bill Withers.
Laez ยท 8 points ยท Posted at 05:44:49 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Lol
Cobbleking32486 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 23:34:06 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
this is the only time both forms of its are correct.
[deleted] ยท 7 points ยท Posted at 11:19:19 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)*
"What's the name of that Austrian formula one driver? Nicki something, Nick..."
"Lauda?"
"WHAT'S THE NAME OF THAT AUSTRIAN FORMULA ONE DRIVER?"
edit: nationality.
icantkeepitstraight ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 11:52:06 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
.....Austrian..?
[deleted] ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 15:44:40 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Blast, you are right! Edited...
DoggoFights ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 13:13:07 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
There's a substitute at my high school that tells this joke to every class he subs for regardless of how many people in the class have had him as a sub before
[deleted] ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 12:35:03 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I turned my dad onto this one a few years ago and he is uses it all the time. And I love it.
FriendlyFreeman ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:43:32 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Haha I remember once some crazy guy told me this on the subway. I was so confused at first.
BobXCIV ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:23:46 on August 22, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
There was a substitute teacher at my high school that always began his class with that joke.
Aside from the cheesy jokes, he was a very accomplished guy.
Sambo637 ยท 500 points ยท Posted at 21:03:35 on August 20, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Knock knock. Who's there? You old lady. You old lady who? I didn't know you could yodel!
k-tah616 ยท 196 points ยท Posted at 02:05:38 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Always heard it as "little old lady" instead of "you old lady". An awesome joke either way.
posherspantspants ยท 25 points ยท Posted at 04:32:06 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
little old lady is objectively better
source: this is the way i heard it so it's the correct way
typeswithgenitals ยท 9 points ยท Posted at 05:16:35 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Can confirm. My preferences also align
whisperingsage ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 14:05:52 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Can also use "you little old lady" for the best of both worlds.
vandancouver ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 00:11:38 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Made me lol on the toilet.
[deleted] ยท 11 points ยท Posted at 01:15:24 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
[deleted]
Tarsoniz1 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 04:50:20 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Piss off...
MattTheIdiotBoy ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 01:27:06 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Heard it with "Oh, an old lady." rather than "you old lady".
zRwk ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 07:01:11 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
This is golden. Thanks for making me chuckle.
CallMeWaltrop ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:40:39 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
so, unlike me, no one didn't get it.:|
ersal ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:24:28 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Knock knock
Who's there?
To
To who?
To whom
GreenHell ยท 849 points ยท Posted at 21:18:33 on August 20, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Where did Napoleon keep his armies?
In his sleevies of course!
[deleted] ยท 619 points ยท Posted at 22:21:57 on August 20, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
[deleted]
[deleted] ยท 339 points ยท Posted at 01:24:33 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
How did Hitler tie his shoesies?
With little Nazis.
mechanicalbirds12 ยท 110 points ยท Posted at 04:26:50 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
What's worse than finding a worm in your apple?
The holocaust
[deleted] ยท 9 points ยท Posted at 05:50:46 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
[deleted]
dan_144 ยท 24 points ยท Posted at 05:57:10 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Something Hitler never said while looking at a map of Europe.
mozartdminor ยท 15 points ยท Posted at 06:52:30 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Switzerland would like a chat
dpistheman ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 06:42:55 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Vicious.
RustyTrombone673 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 17:22:47 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
2 worms in your apple?
F4PipBoyEdition ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 12:23:41 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Finding half a worm in your apple
lilgreenrosetta ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 09:26:52 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I wish I had seen that coming.
LGBTreecko ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 21:07:47 on August 24, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
But you did Nazi that coming.
dorkdiariesisforboys ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 19:24:32 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
How did Hitler tie his shoesies?
With little agletzies.
B_U_F_U ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:44:09 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Jack move!
ButterLordEX ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 04:08:24 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
This was the best thing I read all day
McButterface ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 04:17:29 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
/r/AntiJokes is where you should be.
Condomonium ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 05:04:56 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I need help. I'm too stupid.
Wigly3 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 21:39:34 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Invasion_of_Poland
michaelberry2 ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 01:13:14 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I've never understood this one. Could someone please explain?
PM_Me_Your_Flag ยท 18 points ยท Posted at 01:17:32 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Adding -ies makes things sound like children speak. They're not saying armies as a military unit, but arms.
Where does Napoleon keep his arms? In his sleeves.
dread_gabebo ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 18:47:58 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Armies
Sleeveies
JowtomNahson ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 14:56:45 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Impossible quiz
pingouin_gaufrier ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 11:34:51 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
120 ccs of feces...
Into Morty's knee-ces.
BubbleGumLizard ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 21:01:42 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I'm dying. This is hilarious.
MikeSCFL ยท 170 points ยท Posted at 00:07:26 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
My nickname is Mikey. Whenever someone asks where their keys are, I say I'm right here.
theuserman ยท 13 points ยท Posted at 07:37:01 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
You would love living in Melbourne. Their system for public transport is called a Myki and they frequently refer to tapping your Myki.
lostgirl19 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 17:32:42 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I'm going to laugh so much whenever i get the train now.
alexandramilan ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 08:28:28 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
This would be so cute if your SO said this. Or your mother.
cowzroc ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 12:23:08 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Hey, are you so fine?
curlycatsockthing ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 15:20:37 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
that's Mickey.
PaddyCap ยท 466 points ยท Posted at 19:34:23 on August 20, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Two fish in a tank.... One fish says to the other: You drive I'll man the turret.
StacheKetchum ยท 149 points ยท Posted at 00:31:47 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Two soldiers in a tank. They both drown.
pielad ยท 139 points ยท Posted at 23:07:54 on August 20, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
...and the other says "argh! A talking fish!"
Senacherib ยท 7 points ยท Posted at 03:18:34 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I think you are thinking of the muffins.
peekay427 ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 05:24:31 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Two muffins were baking in the oven. One turned to the other and said "hot enough in here for ya?" The other turned to him and said "Ahhhh!!! A talking muffin!!"
Stacia_Asuna ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 04:18:40 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Niantic please
DrCrucible ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:20:08 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
A double joke, I love it!
Sw3dishFish ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 14:22:31 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Two ducks were walking down the street. One duck said "quack". The other duck said "awww i was about to say that!"
Yebi ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 08:01:15 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Shouldn't it be "I'll fish the turret?"
themikebrown ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 04:20:13 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Two birds on a perch, one says to the other "hey, do you smell fish?"
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 04:02:56 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Two fish are in a tank. They drown because the military vehicle is not filled with water.
haackon ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 04:21:05 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Two fish are in a tank. One fish says, "You know how to drive this thing?" The other fish says, "Ahhh! A talking fish!"
pinkfloyds ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 13:25:51 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I didn't get this so I had my girlfriend explain it to me. I laughed so hard.
dionnnnz ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 20:15:04 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Two soldiers are in a tank. One says 'BLUBLUBLUBLUBBLUB'
Tawny_Frogmouth ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 23:08:53 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Genuinely laughed, thanks
PaddyCap ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 23:13:25 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I have a whole arsenal of them, not even the tip of the iceberg!
velmaspaghetti ยท 319 points ยท Posted at 19:36:21 on August 20, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Every time a firetruck drives by with its sirens blaring I will say "geez, where's the fire?"
๐๏ธ wonderingtumbleweed ยท 424 points ยท Posted at 20:54:58 on August 20, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
he wont sell many ice creams going that fast.
[deleted] ยท 125 points ยท Posted at 00:53:32 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
He'll probably hit a juggler on a unicycle though
jokerrebellion ยท 11 points ยท Posted at 05:48:09 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Not so fast. How many tennis balls?
MiningdiamondsVIII ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 07:48:52 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Only 3.
bigdickpuncher ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 04:43:43 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
That was Meta kid.
Anesan2654 ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 02:57:18 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Yeah, but how many unicycles?
[deleted] ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 05:22:51 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Just Un-coordinated, he got them to prove to his SO he wasn't 3 tennis balls.
jtd2013 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 07:30:13 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Total Gurgich move.
TrenchyMcTrenchcoat ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 09:38:06 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Am I having a stroke?
cogenix ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 07:42:21 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Little Red Car?
stop_the_broats ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 10:11:59 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
crusty jugglers!
WotTheFox ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 13:23:33 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
M E T A E T A
dancingbanana123 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 08:52:20 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
He's playing the siren because he's all out of ice cream.
browner87 ยท 92 points ยท Posted at 22:21:46 on August 20, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Whenever I hear sirens in the distance I come to a dead stop, look around, and say "Shit! They found me!". Unless I'm driving, then I speed up instead of stop.
J_FROm ยท 86 points ยท Posted at 00:29:43 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Whenever I hear sirens, or a helicopter, or some other ridiculous vehicle I say "Excuse me, guys. My ride is here."
jewishunicorn ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 03:36:52 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I usually say "I've been here all day"
RiOrius ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 04:39:42 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I tell the people I'm with, "If anyone asks I've been here since noon."
JasonWaterfallz ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 02:07:39 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Whenever I hear polite sirens I look at any available black person that I'm not scared of and say "hey your ride's here"
browner87 ยท 9 points ยท Posted at 02:35:55 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
The rude sirens come for the whites? ;)
utmanders ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 08:28:14 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Or a family member would say, "There coming to take you away." Lol!!!
machzel08 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 13:55:48 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I always turn and whisper "if anyone asks I've been with you all day."
[deleted] ยท 9 points ยท Posted at 03:57:17 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I dont get it. Help?
velmaspaghetti ยท 7 points ยท Posted at 04:19:37 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Sometimes when someone is in a hurry, another person will say "geez, where's the fire?" As if they were rushing to save someone or put out a fire. The joke is that firetrucks are literally rushing to a fire.
captionquirk ยท 8 points ยท Posted at 05:05:13 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)*
Huh. I have never heard that phrase used like that in my life.
Skullify ยท 13 points ยท Posted at 19:49:09 on August 20, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
My grandma says that every time! And if a car keeps honking his horn "oh, go blow your horn out your ass!"
malenkylizards ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 06:41:08 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Whenever somebody has a crying baby I say "Oh my god you're being such a baby"
Roombafollower ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 07:33:58 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I live near a hospital and once they're close enough the ambulance turns off the sirens, I like to say "oops too late", or "oops they died."
PM_ME_UR_GNOMES ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 09:21:22 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Gnome's edgelord guide to responding to the age old question, "Where's the fire?"
Ideally no where
Statistically somewhere
Preferably not here
NefariousNeezy ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:29:58 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
OH LAWD JESUS IT'S A FIRE
[deleted] ยท 961 points ยท Posted at 19:25:50 on August 20, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
What's brown and sticky? A stick.
DecoyNumber7 ยท 809 points ยท Posted at 19:59:44 on August 20, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
What's brown and rhymes with Snoop? Dr.Dre
Keios80 ยท 503 points ยท Posted at 22:00:20 on August 20, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
What's brown and runny?
Usain Bolt.
Leash_Me_Blue ยท 211 points ยท Posted at 22:42:23 on August 20, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
What's long, white, and filled with semen?
a submarine
Keios80 ยท 295 points ยท Posted at 23:10:03 on August 20, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
What's red and smells like blue paint?
Red paint.
hotchrisbfries ยท 10 points ยท Posted at 03:39:09 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Both work equally well
super_ag ยท 10 points ยท Posted at 09:30:34 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)*
What's orange and sounds like a parrot?
A carrot.
frenchmeister ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 05:48:22 on August 22, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Shouldn't that be the other way around? "What's orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot!" makes a lot more sense.
super_ag ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 08:01:32 on August 22, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Yeah, I screwed it up. Derp.
sparta981 ยท 14 points ยท Posted at 04:59:51 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
False. Most red paint contains Iron, which alters the smell.
Its_MyBirthday ยท 19 points ยท Posted at 07:53:19 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Okay Dwight
ohai ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 11:47:02 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
The first German settlers were known to use beets to make paint, which produced a rich Burgundy color they would use to paint their barns.
saedt ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 08:46:19 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
RED POO WHO
lordbobofthebobs ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:30:31 on August 22, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
What's red and bad for your teeth? A brick.
alicethe_mushroomeat ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:38:53 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Favorite dad joke of all time!!
[deleted] ยท 12 points ยท Posted at 03:23:28 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
What's green and red and goes 100mph? A frog in a blender.
EstablishedEntity ยท 67 points ยท Posted at 23:30:02 on August 20, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Submarines are white?
SirLoin027 ยท 162 points ยท Posted at 01:07:49 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
They told it wrong, it's supposed to be hard.
[deleted] ยท 39 points ยท Posted at 01:24:36 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Yeah, especially since not all dicks are white either, so it fucks with the innuendo, too.
Also, the joke only actually works out loud because seamen and semen are spelled differently.
Potchi79 ยท 23 points ยท Posted at 05:34:15 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Subs are filled with semen too tho.
At least the ones I made when I worked at Subway.
[deleted] ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 10:10:41 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
rhymes_with_chicken ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 14:41:25 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Also, spelled seamen wrong. It's a joke best told in person. And, correctly.
KalWhosAsking ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 01:03:02 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I've assumed they were yellow
[deleted] ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 09:45:23 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Penises are white? Clearly an error.
scoobysnacklubricant ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 04:28:09 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
It's good camouflage in arctic regions
cdc194 ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 03:56:05 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Whats white, 4 inches long, and hasnt been sucked in a few years?
Whitney Houston's crack.pipe.
LadyPillowPants ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 05:27:19 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)*
What's 12-inches long, hard and makes women scream at night? Sudden Infant Death Syndrome.
FrozenWaterz ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 05:41:55 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
What's long, hard, and has cum in the middle?
A cucumber!
KarmaCausesCancer ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 22:55:55 on August 20, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Your mom's ass Crack.
[deleted] ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 00:31:39 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
What about it?
UncleLester ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:44:16 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
It's finger licking good.
CallMeWaltrop ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 15:35:04 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Yoo uncle, whatcha do to mom? (อกยฐ อส อกยฐ)
Tstrace87 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:58:09 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
White? Submarines are not white
lemonchickentellya ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:06:16 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
What's 8 inches long and rock hard? The tube sock under my bed
DecoyNumber7 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 13:43:48 on August 22, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
What's 6" long and dying to be licked? Candy cane.
Drewbox ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 10:15:07 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I don't think I've ever seen a white submarine.
DecoyNumber7 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 13:44:28 on August 22, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
NOAA has a few and a yellow one, too.
bluesekai ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 04:00:15 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
What's brown and sticky?
My Beyoncรฉ calendar
Jokesonyounow ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 04:26:28 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
He's black.
Blvckdog ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 22:08:32 on August 20, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Straight gold
DecoyNumber7 ยท 10 points ยท Posted at 22:23:58 on August 20, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Platinum mutha fucka.
notmy2ndacct ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:27:02 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Straight
goldoutta ComptonTsunoba ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 08:28:21 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Okay, I know they're both rappers, but why would he rhyme with Snoop? Did they do a song together or something?
Sessamina ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 10:21:30 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
They used to rap together a lot back in the day
Tsunoba ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 10:33:00 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Ah, okay. Thanks.
DecoyNumber7 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 13:48:20 on August 22, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Death Row Records, check 'em out.
scoutmorgan ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 09:42:16 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
That one is top.
[deleted] ยท 52 points ยท Posted at 23:22:27 on August 20, 2016 ยท (Permalink)*
[deleted]
themikebrown ยท 15 points ยท Posted at 04:15:01 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
What's red and bad for your teeth?
A brick
soggymittens ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 06:10:37 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
SpongeBob?
[deleted] ยท 7 points ยท Posted at 00:49:59 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
What's hamburgerry?
A hamburger.
Ronald_Reagan_AMA ยท 7 points ยท Posted at 03:18:14 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
What's shitty?
This joke.
8_bit_kit ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 11:02:54 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
What's red and smells like paint?
Red paint.
Mlnkoly111 ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 03:36:35 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
What do you call a boomerang that doesn't come back? A stick!
LastingEatsYou ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 19:45:01 on August 20, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
or a brown sticker
majestictibbers ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:08:45 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
What's green and fuzzy and hurts if it falls out of the sky?
A pool table
crustyyogapants ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:37:46 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
What's brown and sounds like a bell? Dung
Vicous ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 06:31:34 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
What starts with "p" and rhymes with "corn"? Popcorn.
TwistyBiscuit ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 10:33:07 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
What's yellow and smells like bananas?
Monkey sick
Yokuyin ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 11:14:37 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
What's red and sticky? The same bloody stick.
chugster ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 12:56:30 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Mohammed Ali opening a can of Coke
maux_zaikq ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 13:06:39 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Oddly enough, I came here for this.
Quix_Optic ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 14:27:52 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
This is my all time favorite.
Even though 90% of the time it gets crickets, that other 10% of "sigh...I get it," makes it allllll worth it.
leeisawesome ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 14:41:35 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
What's brown and sticky? My Beyoncรฉ poster.
HunterTC ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:08:23 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
what's green and has wheels? grass. i lied about the wheels.
LabioGORDO ยท -4 points ยท Posted at 19:49:04 on August 20, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Poop covered duct tape.
SuddenlyCentaurs ยท 295 points ยท Posted at 20:52:59 on August 20, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
What's red and smells like blue paint? Red paint.
TheEvilHatter ยท 205 points ยท Posted at 22:37:21 on August 20, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
What's blue and smells like blue paint?
Red paint in disguise.
[deleted] ยท 14 points ยท Posted at 01:58:29 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Red paint, painted blue
theniceguytroll ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 08:16:00 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Brown sugar, painted white.
Dreadwatch ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 14:48:44 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
In this guy's what?
baljeettjinder ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 04:38:57 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
That sounds like an anti joke
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 06:49:58 on August 22, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
That blue paint is a spy!
Wumer ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 10:40:17 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
My friend's entire family are scientists. This is from him: What's red and smells like blue paint? Blue paint approaching very fast.
The Doppler effect shortens the light coming off of approaching objects, making them appear redder than usual. The faster the approach, the redder they seem.
[deleted] ยท 202 points ยท Posted at 22:14:28 on August 20, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Not me, but my grandpa used to always say "This pen can write in any color!" Then he would ask me what color I wanted then write it down with words.
Punctuations ยท 13 points ยท Posted at 09:57:56 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I would write "in any colour"
ep1032 ยท 15 points ยท Posted at 08:24:20 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Plot twist, he had synestesa, and would see the words in their respective colors
jp_newman ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 11:16:40 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
My grandfather did the same thing for quite a bit. I would fall for it every time.
clyde542 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 00:40:47 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Seriously??? Like the second time he made that joke, you had no clue what he was about to say?
MainMenu484 ยท 13 points ยท Posted at 03:54:01 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Colour, eh
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:51:00 on August 22, 2016 ยท (Permalink)*
Well of course I knew, but it still made me laugh.
ReverseUrination ยท 110 points ยท Posted at 05:01:53 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Every time it is 4:04 pm and I notice, I ask whoever I am with if they know the time because I can't find it. Nobody ever gets it. Nobody ever laughs.
Gadetron ยท 18 points ยท Posted at 13:24:31 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
My grandma's house number is 404. And I constantly say I can't find her house. No one seems to get it either
lunch431 ยท 10 points ยท Posted at 09:49:16 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
/r/ProgrammerHumor is right over there!
ipadloos ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 17:17:54 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Tnx, subbed!
NotThisFucker ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 18:30:58 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
My friends are going to hate you for this
lunch431 ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 18:35:06 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
They're very welcome!
pcyr9999 ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 16:17:19 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I make this joke with my friends but I just say "time not found."
They get it though.
galacticjihad ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:57:18 on August 22, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
...because it's not funny
[deleted] ยท 52 points ยท Posted at 00:19:53 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I need a new bum. Mine's cracked.
FeloniousArchimedes ยท 465 points ยท Posted at 22:41:02 on August 20, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
When someone asks for water I ask "do you want tap water or instant water?"
-"whats instant water?" -"oh its easy, you just add water!"
Erestyn ยท 9 points ยท Posted at 10:51:37 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
"Would you like some water?"
"Yes, please"
"Still water?"
"Yes...?"
potsieharris ยท 13 points ยท Posted at 02:38:36 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
daaaaaaaaaaaddddd
LampsintheBedroom ยท 8 points ยท Posted at 06:06:35 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Carlooooooos!
[deleted] ยท 8 points ยท Posted at 02:27:24 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
This is literally the best one on here
Stevied1991 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 07:11:48 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I think my tired brain is missing something here.
homedoggieo ยท 9 points ยท Posted at 10:49:59 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
dehydrated stuff is sold as "instant ____" because you just add water to rehydrate it and it's (mostly) good to go
dehydrated H20 is much the same, but the granules are invisible, flavorless, and massless
whisperingsage ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 14:09:06 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Actually the particles they use for instant water are recycled from old water bottles. It's very environmental.
darkkenchild ยท 148 points ยท Posted at 23:43:08 on August 20, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
<in response to someone complaining about minor annoyances or other small tragedies>
Other than that Mrs. Lincoln, how was the show?
stevestloo ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 03:40:22 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Other than that, Mrs Kennedy, how was the parade?
ReverendSaintJay ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 16:04:03 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I feel like this is a subtler, less antagonistic version of "How's the view from up there on the cross?"
I love it.
PaddyCap ยท 303 points ยท Posted at 19:35:29 on August 20, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
What do you call a guy with no shins... Tony
[deleted] ยท 14 points ยท Posted at 01:16:31 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
[deleted]
LucentNargacuga ยท 8 points ยท Posted at 03:22:19 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Look for the man with the terrible smell!
Tharshegl0w5 ยท 42 points ยท Posted at 00:41:23 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I don't get it.
SkyMaro ยท 143 points ยท Posted at 00:51:01 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Toe knee
Smailien ยท 32 points ยท Posted at 03:07:15 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Oh! I was thinking it was a mafia joke about a wise guy who got his legs smashed for crackin' wise about the Don's wife or some such similar thing.
SomeAltAccountPun ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 03:28:33 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
100% read that in the Donbot's voice
Smailien ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 05:49:35 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
That was exactly my intent!
SomeAltAccountPun ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 11:35:19 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Oh, well you did good then.
soggymittens ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 06:17:12 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I would bet it came from the interactive children's song with words that say "head, shoulders, knees, and toes, knees, and toes..."
ExtraSmooth ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 03:49:46 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
When Tony doesn't pay his debts, we break his shins, get it?
FieryPhoenix420 ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 00:46:12 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Tony has no shins.
janaphylaxis ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 00:52:29 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
toe-knee
slimstealthy ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 00:52:48 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Toe-Knee
just_a_random_dood ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 04:23:32 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
His toes touch his knees.
Toe-knee
Tony
[deleted] ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 14:24:04 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Tony. Toe-Knee
mjjacks ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 14:55:10 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Toe -> knee. No shins between
blindgynaecologist ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 10:15:14 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I know a Tony who sometimes just points at his toes and then his knees when someone asks his name... except sometimes he fucks up and points at his knee first.
LadyPillowPants ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 05:31:42 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Cotton Hill
Tucker33 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:05:28 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Oh god. It took me way too long to get that lol
D-Rock-58 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:44:58 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Wow, I would have guessed Oscar...
underthingy ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 06:32:59 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Wouldn't it be footny?
HessianStatistician ยท 147 points ยท Posted at 20:04:32 on August 20, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Corny traffic sign jokes.
"Don't park on this pole."
"Anti-P! Down with P!"
"Watch out for stick man!"
"Watch out for the slow children!"
I'm a dad, and if my son doesn't constantly roll his eyes at me, I'm not doing my job.
WaffleBrothel ยท 147 points ยท Posted at 23:31:02 on August 20, 2016 ยท (Permalink)*
Whenever I see an "END ROAD WORK" sign, I'll always say, "There's another protest sign."
Edit: There's quite a bit of road work going on in my area, so I get plenty of opportunities.
b1kerguy ยท 8 points ยท Posted at 00:22:40 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
-stolen-
RabbitsOnAChalkboard ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 08:22:48 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Those signs are oddly polite in my area--they say "END ROAD WORK THANK YOU". Every time I see one I always think that they would make the most ineffectual protest sign ever.
TrainAss ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 00:44:01 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Be careful of Pedestrian X.
This seriously could be a B-horror movie.
flugsibinator ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 02:08:47 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I like the "Stop ahead" signs. I'll reach over and hold whoever is my passengers head back.
[deleted] ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 02:14:22 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
My dad was fond of putting his hand on my forehead and holding it back against the seat whenever there was a STOP AHEAD sign.
BookishRuth ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 04:06:19 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Every time I see a "Slow Children Playing" sign I say, "Well that's not a nice thing to say about the children!"
Just try to stop me.
roengill ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 06:22:53 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
My favorite road work signs to joke about are the ones telling theres a flagger.
"Yay free bagged lunches!"
"There's a warning for a guy with a big lollipop!"
Those never fail to get a deep sigh out of whoever I'm with.
TioHoltzmann ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 13:39:54 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Oh so you've heard of Chief Falling Rock? He was this infamous Indian Chief roaming the hills and mountains of America for years. He would wait in ambush and send boulders careening off of cliff faces to smash unwary travelers below, hence why you see so many warning signs.
You may have also heard of his brother, Chief Left Turns? You've got to watch out for them.
peanutbutterjams ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 06:15:22 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
"There may be floating-head people in this area"
"Please watch for time-traveling pedestrians from the 50's"
"Car geese ahead!"
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 12:29:11 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I saw a "Watch for children" sign on the way to work once. There was a creepy guy wearing a trenchcoat underneath, possibly a pedophile. He was holding a watch.
betelgeux ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:12:31 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Caution - Snakes are chasing your car.
Orionolle ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:34:42 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
"Slow children playing"
Well they should go faster!
adrianisepic ยท 100 points ยท Posted at 23:29:51 on August 20, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
"I've got a knock knock joke but you've got to start it." Most of the time they tell me to shut up.
treacherous_fool ยท 12 points ยท Posted at 07:29:24 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I actually got someone with this recently. I was stunned, and very satisfied with myself.
miniman03 ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 12:55:42 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
"Knock knock."
"Come in."
[deleted] ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 08:37:09 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I don't get it
lemilyfresh ยท 17 points ยท Posted at 12:51:12 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
If they take the bait they will say knock knock. You then say who's there and stare at them expectantly while they feel uncomfortable. Works well in all occasions.
txkx ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:44:02 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
My roommate showed me this, it's one of my favorites
lolis5 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:06:55 on August 22, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I have a pretty good success rate with this one. I word it a little differently.
Me:"Hey, I heard a really great knock knock joke this weekend."
The Mark:<really skeptical>"Yeah?"
Me:"Trust me, It's good..."
The Mark:"Okay, what is it?"
Me:"Alright, you start"
The Mark:"Knock knock"
Me:"Who's there?"
<long, awkward silence before the mark realizes they've been had>
DucksDoFly ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:10:22 on August 22, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
What?
The-Beefbus ยท 95 points ยท Posted at 23:20:20 on August 20, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I'll see a dude on the news or whatever and I'll say "hey I know that guy. He owes me 20 bucks." My wife always laughs a little. It's stupid as hell. I got it from Dogma where Rufus says Jesus owes him money.
Argalad ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 17:26:00 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
This is so dumb and funny yet it's sometimes so hard to come up with a good joke.
mnbvcxz123 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 13:45:30 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
It's also from Bill Murray in Stripes.
bdyelm ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:40:56 on August 22, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
How does pity laughter sound? :-(
[deleted] ยท 169 points ยท Posted at 20:47:54 on August 20, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Dad, make me a sandwich. (Waves arm) poof! You're a sandwich.
And don't call me Shortly.
browner87 ยท 51 points ยท Posted at 22:23:43 on August 20, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Or Shirley.
[deleted] ยท 8 points ยท Posted at 23:27:07 on August 20, 2016 ยท (Permalink)*
[deleted]
Zungryware ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 03:41:16 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I am serious, and don't call me Shirley.
[deleted] ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 01:12:54 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I am serious and I'll be with you shortly
browner87 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:37:13 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I am serious, I was over Under and Under was over Dun.
KingInTheWeest ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:53:59 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
have you ever seen a grown man naked?
Azzizzi ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 01:21:23 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Could you call me a cab?
Sure. Why not? You're a cab.
theParthenon1 ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 03:10:45 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
dammit dad this is why I have identity issues
stop_the_broats ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 10:13:57 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Alright but we'll need some giant bread
nathanv221 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:25:28 on August 22, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Try google on your phone (volume on), also try "sudo make me a sandwich"
liquor_for_breakfast ยท 48 points ยท Posted at 19:48:37 on August 20, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Why don't clams donate to charity?
They're shellfish
Metallkiller ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 07:43:07 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
/r/shubreddit
deadmanollie ยท 117 points ยท Posted at 20:17:11 on August 20, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
What's brown and sounds like a bell?
DUNG!!
the_nidificator ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 04:35:13 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Yay, a visitors sketch reference! That's my all time favorite!
thanosofdeath ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:28:30 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Wtf this is the only one that had me really laugh. Everything else was exhales through the nose.
[deleted] ยท 265 points ยท Posted at 21:56:09 on August 20, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
[deleted]
tricks_23 ยท 162 points ยท Posted at 22:38:18 on August 20, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Still too soon
Kalapuya ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 07:11:25 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
10 years?
TankyTinCan ยท 8 points ยท Posted at 11:39:49 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Maybe if he put on sunblock. It does help protect from harmful rays.
fluffyxsama ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 04:09:38 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
BOO.
Wizard4877 ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 00:38:31 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Holy shit that is amazing
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:41:02 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Very well. You make me sad.
Sir_Rothwell ยท 128 points ยท Posted at 23:20:34 on August 20, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I'll randomly ask people if they know X, and then proceed to tell them that he's going to give it to them.
The_Turtonator ยท 7 points ยท Posted at 03:43:35 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
WHAT?!
MoffKalast ยท 7 points ยท Posted at 12:24:49 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
HE'LL RANDOMLY ASK PEOPLE IF THEY KNOW X, AND THEN PROCEED TO TELL THEM THAT HE'S GOING TO GIVE IT TO THEM.
The_Turtonator ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 18:01:56 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
WHERE THE HOOD; WHERE THE HOOD; WHERE THE HOOD AT?! SERIOUSLY I NEED DIRECTIONS I'M LOST!
Dexaan ยท 7 points ยท Posted at 01:12:58 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Yeah, he marks the spot.
sixthandelm ยท 9 points ยท Posted at 23:30:19 on August 20, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Huh?
Sir_Rothwell ยท 30 points ยท Posted at 23:33:40 on August 20, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
It's referring to a DMX song called "X Gon' Give It To Ya".
Now that I think of it, I think I'm the only one who makes the joke....
sixthandelm ยท 8 points ยท Posted at 23:38:22 on August 20, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Oh thank god. I thought I was SUPPOSED to understand that but was too dumb. Well, that might still be the case, but not understanding a pop culture reference is s better excuse.
Brian373K ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 04:07:26 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I got it and it my favorite so far.
pfhlick ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 04:14:04 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Brian??
sleeplessone ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 08:32:45 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Don't worry about having to meet up with him to get it though because he will in fact deliver to you.
Sir_Rothwell ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 14:45:01 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Doesn't matter how, but he WILL give it to you.
pyroSeven ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 08:11:21 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
What
ep1032 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 08:29:29 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Then start barking
Powerbomb39 ยท 95 points ยท Posted at 19:42:00 on August 20, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
How do you fix a broken tuba? With a tuba glue.
[deleted] ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 11:26:27 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
What's the difference between a flautist and a Lamborghini? Not everyone's been inside a Lamborghini.
MidDan ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 04:59:59 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
What does a Scottish man do when he finds a trumpet growing in his garden? He roots-it-oot
[deleted] ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 11:24:45 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
How do you make a Viola player play tremolo? You write solo in their parts.
[deleted] ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 11:27:47 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Oboe: double the reeds, half the fun.
newman1944 ยท 95 points ยท Posted at 20:38:43 on August 20, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Two cannibals are eating a clown, one of the cannibals stops and looks at the other one and says, "Does this taste funny?"
cheshire_brat ยท 55 points ยท Posted at 02:53:55 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Two comedians are eating a cannibal, one turns to the other and says "I think we've gotten this joke wrong".
Scarlet-Janefox ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 06:18:07 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
This joke always reminds me of the bear scene in Alpha & Omega.
f_leaver ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 18:08:27 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Two cannibals decide the best way to equitably share the guy they're eating is they both start from either end.
"Do you like it?"
"I'm having a ball!"
"You're eating too damn fast!"
newman1944 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 21:35:20 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Lol I like that!
RadioSlayer ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 22:48:04 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Funny? Funny how?
LabioGORDO ยท 167 points ยท Posted at 19:50:55 on August 20, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Anytime somebody says "that's a big ass ___!" I always respond with "What's an ass __?"
Velkyn01 ยท 75 points ยท Posted at 23:12:37 on August 20, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Whenever my buddy says "Eat a dick, John" to our buddy John, I always ask what a dickjohn is.
MBGA_HD ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 11:44:56 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
in south east asia they have a dish called the 'roti john' which translates to 'john bread' in english.... The more you know
BlackfishBlues ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 04:15:18 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Like a man who frequents male prostitutes?
cowzroc ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 12:24:56 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
How often does that happen??
Velkyn01 ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 13:45:43 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Fairly often, John says dumb shit.
kryptn ยท 94 points ยท Posted at 22:24:34 on August 20, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
https://xkcd.com/37/
II_Confused ยท 10 points ยท Posted at 03:51:14 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
"Where's my fucking jacket? " "It's over there, next to your regular one."
KSFT__ ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 04:49:11 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
https://xkcd.com/90
II_Confused ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:12:39 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Exactly.
theSeanO ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 00:19:41 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
The original relevant xkcd.
[deleted] ยท 12 points ยท Posted at 20:12:06 on August 20, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Yeah, anybody makes sexual jokes like "69" or something. I always ask what it means, throws them off every damn time.
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 06:41:32 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
What op is saying is that if someone says something like "That's a big ass cow!" They respond "what's an asscow?"
Itsnotironic444 ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 05:22:59 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I think people at work are finally noticing I've been working out. Whenever I walk away I can hear someone say "what an ass."
Bwbowe ยท 7 points ยท Posted at 22:53:30 on August 20, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
There's a restaurant where I live that has "fancy ass coleslaw" on the menu, and I proceeded to ask the waitress, "what's so fancy about the ass coleslaw". She was not amused.
oli59 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 22:24:44 on August 20, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
That's a big ass joke!
Wigwarm ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 05:30:53 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
"But fuckin..."
"Butt fucking!? Come on, this isn't the time or place for that conversation"
we_are_ananonumys ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 06:36:55 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
That's a big ass updog!
LabioGORDO ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 10:43:51 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
What's updog?
Woild ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:21:00 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
What's an updog?
piwiator ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 13:09:47 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Death to all butt metal
SpacepopeIX ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:36:25 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I don't know who this Jim guy is, but I feel bad people always talk about how they're going to hit him
pharmaSEEE ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:23:57 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I do this all the time and my friends hate me.
"Those are some weird ass shoes.."
"They make ass shoes???"
hooloovooblues ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:59:50 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
The ol' hyphen switch. I've become infamous for this.
numberIV ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 04:48:16 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I think it's probably less of an "interesting thing you are known for" and more of "that thing you always say that nobody thinks is funny."
hooloovooblues ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 05:18:54 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
inยทfaยทmous
หinfษmษs/
adjective
adjective: infamous
well known for some bad quality or deed.
I never claimed it was an interesting thing I was known for.
Beidah ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 08:58:15 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Hooray for correct usage of abused words!
numberIV ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 20:47:48 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I knew what the word meant, it just sounded like he was using it in a joking way.
Captain_William02 ยท 248 points ยท Posted at 22:40:33 on August 20, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
What's green and has wheels?
Grass, I lied about the wheels
Curtis_66_ ยท 156 points ยท Posted at 01:36:36 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
what do a mole and an eagle have in common?
They both live underground, except for the eagle
YOU_WANT_ANTS ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 14:04:34 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
What's the difference between a bald person and someone with hair?
The bald person has no hair!
torkel-flatberg ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 06:43:50 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Made me lol
iamtheholycow ยท 12 points ยท Posted at 02:46:56 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
What's green and brown, fuzzy on one side, has four legs, and would kill you if it fell out of a tree on top of you?
A pool table.
Rooky_Soap ยท 7 points ยท Posted at 00:28:47 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
/r/antiantijokes
potsieharris ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 02:40:47 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
this reminds me of a joke i found on a laffy taffy wrapper. how did the bones cross the road?
they didn't, the dogs ate them.
courtesy of wayne r. from arlington, va. when i read this joke i hated it but now it's my favorite.
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:41:10 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I love Laffy Taffy wrapper jokes. My favorite is "Why did all the stores close at two? Because it was TWOsday!"
KSFT__ ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 04:49:48 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I hate this joke. Grass is not something that's green and has wheels.
glaring-oryx ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 14:20:17 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I tried this joke on my dad who is a farmer. His response was a John Deere tractor, a Steiger tractor, or a Kawasaki dirt bike. The punch line just felt so stupid after that. I have never seen an anti-joke so thoroughly destroyed.
Primer81 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:24:31 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I laughed so hard at this
[deleted] ยท 135 points ยท Posted at 23:14:10 on August 20, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Any time someone says, "I'm hungry," I say, "Hi Hungry, my name's Graham!" extremely loudly and enthusiastically. My wife HATES it.
Dr_Gamephone_MD ยท 18 points ยท Posted at 02:55:07 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
What if my name isn't graham?
Throwawayjust_incase ยท 8 points ยท Posted at 09:07:38 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Then ur outta luck buddy
Clegane-inator ยท 8 points ยท Posted at 01:41:13 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Wives HATE this one weird joke!
theParthenon1 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 03:09:29 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
hi dad
motoroats ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 04:19:00 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Hi Hungry, I'm Dad!
My husband is just starting to pull out his Dad Jokes, our daughter is just over a year old.
malenkylizards ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 06:42:39 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
This was my dad's version. Two jokes in one.
"Daddy, I'm thirsty." "Hi Thirsty, I'm Friday!"
Love you, dad.
twinfyre ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 07:53:53 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
hmm... gbailey?
...Graham Bailey?
Throwawayjust_incase ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 09:08:15 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Shit I think I know this guy.
He made some crackers or something.
Argalad ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:40:24 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)*
Also, from his username I gathered that he was born in '97 on the 40th of may
yosemitesambo ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 09:34:12 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Hi hungry in thirsty come over Friday I'll make you a Sunday
eviltreesareevil ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 10:04:26 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
That's hilarious! Too bad my name isn't Graham.
gorillalifter47 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 10:35:39 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Came here to post this. Never gets old.
manapan ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 20:55:36 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
You cracker.
Curtis_66_ ยท 275 points ยท Posted at 21:21:28 on August 20, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
"What's up"
"The ceiling" or " The sky" based on the situation.
JamsRamen ยท 409 points ยท Posted at 22:39:00 on August 20, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
"A preposition"
Cookienomnomnomicon ยท 86 points ยท Posted at 23:42:27 on August 20, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
My new goal is to spread this joke as much as possible
_apocalypse ยท 10 points ยท Posted at 02:50:46 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
a 2009 animated Pixar movie
Lowbacca1977 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 04:45:33 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I drew a venn diagram for this years ago
sludgeslurpee ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 10:25:24 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
This used to be a joke at an English dept. in my old college. So instead of saying "what's up?," people would say "What's up, bitch?"
CallMeWaltrop ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:49:47 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
"what's up?"
"anything that beats gravity"
"...."
Shacklton ยท 48 points ยท Posted at 00:06:22 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Depending on the time of year, "gas prices."
motoroats ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 04:13:14 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
So.. All year. Got it.
Auxotrophic ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 00:58:42 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Answer: A two letter word indicating a direction
NinjaWoIf ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 01:12:08 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
What word would that be?
Auxotrophic ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 01:30:00 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Up
Curtis_66_ ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:44:33 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
" What's Up? "
" Up. "
HugeMcJuicy ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 00:42:18 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
"Not my grades" is my favorite response
Tanks4me ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 01:10:43 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
My go-to response for this is "Definitely not the floor."
With other engineers, however, I add "unless you invert the coordinate system."
kingmike9879 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 01:34:35 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
My dad normally says my blood pressure
Phreakiture ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 01:40:02 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I usually just point upwards . . . .
Curtis_66_ ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:45:39 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
The problem with that is that you can't always see the person that you're talking to.
Phreakiture ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:02:16 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
True.
spuppett ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 01:49:32 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
My dad usually says, "Body weight and blood pressure."
Cobbleking32486 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 00:13:34 on August 22, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
http://explosm.net/comics/2402/
[deleted] ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 23:47:30 on August 20, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
[deleted]
dickmartyr ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 00:31:01 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Variation- hard Dicks and airplanes
MattTheIdiotBoy ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 01:25:30 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Hard dicks and helicopters. Which one do you want to ride?
fuzzymidget ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:26:38 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
This is my go to. Takes people by surprise.
TasteySoap ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:38:03 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
"All of the above" for me
bthorn19 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:05:29 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Hard dick and airplanes
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:07:36 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Dicks and airplanes
JEWJitsu02 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:25:53 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
A movie about an old dude and balloons
burg3rb3n ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:41:06 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)*
"What's up?"
"The White Man"
Alternitavely, "The Bourgeoisie Capitalist Pig CEO's salary"
Galemp ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:45:22 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
The vector perpendicular to the surface of the nearest significant gravitational phenomena.
KithAndAkin ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:55:57 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Rents, overhead, and taxes.
bluesekai ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 04:03:35 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Up is a relative concept. It has no intrinsic value. -- Dr. Manhattan
nascargo19 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 04:07:53 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
A Pixar movie.
BlackfishBlues ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 04:08:57 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
"A heartwarming Pixar movie about a boy, an old man and a whole lot of balloons."
_-Dan-_ ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 04:15:58 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
So annoying, but upvoting because it fits the question
luv2nil8 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 04:16:54 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I tend to say my cholesterol.
boothnat ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 04:17:51 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
A major animated film released a few years ago, which met with mass critical acclaim desp- hey, where are you going?
MrNegativity78 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 04:21:23 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
A flavor of quark
Dr_Flopper ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 04:29:56 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
My go-to response is "A Pixar movie about an old man and a boy scout who fly away on adventures in a house covered with balloons."
bigdickpuncher ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 04:42:01 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Stiff dicks and airplanes
CarlGel ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:19:41 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I like to glance up, and reply "not much"
Sometimes they don't notice, sometimes they glare, and sometimes they laugh.
golden_rhino ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:51:41 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I went to school with an older dude named Kevin. His response was always, "Come the weekend, hopefully muh pecker."
Redeemed_Monkey ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 08:07:29 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
A guy I used to work with would always say "Hard dicks and airplanes!"
13th_Nightmare ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 09:26:20 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
That's one I use all the time
MrFerkles ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 09:31:09 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Your cholesterol. You need to watch your diet
Mr_Krabs_Left_Nut ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 09:32:24 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I have started saying the sky to answer this question literally every time it gets asked. It's second nature at this point.
stop_the_broats ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 10:11:26 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
not much dog whats up with you
Jumokee_ ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 10:29:25 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Stiff dicks and airplanes.
XJCM ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 11:23:11 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Hard dicks and airplanes...which do you wanna ride?
MoffKalast ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 12:23:27 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
"Dunno, I've never been there."
AtomicSpidy ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 12:59:17 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Your cholesterol!
satanicmartyr ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 13:19:17 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
"What's up?"
Stiff dicks, airplanes, and crackheads on Friday.
alsoaVinn ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 13:37:14 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
"Up is a 2009 computer-animated movie by Pixar about a man who wants to go to South America by means of balloon."
ReverendSaintJay ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:59:41 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
"Everything above my eyebrows" is my go-to response for this question.
Orionolle ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:31:45 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
While "the ceiling/the sky" is an answer that always makes me groan, I can't complain seeing as my go-to answer is "A Pixar movie."
DucksDoFly ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:02:21 on August 22, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
My penis!
Titsass93 ยท 28 points ยท Posted at 01:26:17 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
What's the difference between mashed potatoes and pea soup?
Anyone can mash potatoes
slamwisegamgee ยท 97 points ยท Posted at 22:05:31 on August 20, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
What's brown and rhymes with "Snoop?"
Dr. Dre
One of my all-time favourites
[deleted] ยท 10 points ยท Posted at 04:19:42 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Oh my god it just hit me that Dr Dre collaborates with Snoop Dogg, hence why he's used as the punchline. I need to go to sleep
cstepheng ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:41:31 on August 22, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Thank you for FINALLY explaining that joke for me. I don't get a lot of these pop culture references. :(
[deleted] ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 03:05:35 on August 22, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Dude you're all good, I pay attention to pop culture and it STILL goes over my head.
[deleted] ยท 416 points ยท Posted at 19:47:53 on August 20, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Whenever someone asks what time is it, I always without skipping a beat reply with "time for you to get a watch".
riskbreaker23 ยท 343 points ยท Posted at 21:43:44 on August 20, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
My wife will ask, "do you have the time?" I reply, "do you have the energy?"
It pisses her off so much.
archer1212 ยท 165 points ยท Posted at 00:11:09 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
My reply is usually "No, but I have some basil"
causal_friday ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:57:39 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
https://xkcd.com/282/
jackyrc ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 01:03:36 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
gimme the basil i need it so k can put vasoline in it
twinfyre ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 07:39:10 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
"How old are you?"
"Old enough."
A_Gigantic_Potato ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 10:59:15 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
"How old are you?"
"7 inches"
samtwheels ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:27:38 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Old enough... to party
fodafoda ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:36:50 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
To my wife, I always reply "it's anal o'clock"
thegoblingamer ยท 111 points ยท Posted at 22:16:41 on August 20, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I automatically say "game time". Then I give the time.
I don't even sports!
WhyDidTheSodaGo ยท 116 points ยท Posted at 23:06:37 on August 20, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
What an absolute madman!
[deleted] ยท 7 points ยท Posted at 01:54:40 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
/r/madlads
chewish ยท -2 points ยท Posted at 06:25:15 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
/r/madlads
GradeEhCanadian ยท -3 points ยท Posted at 06:42:11 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
r/madlads
the_nidificator ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 04:36:25 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I prefer " Miller time." Because Calvin and Hobbes.
twinfyre ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 07:40:35 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
"Hey! Get back here!"
audio_pusher ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 06:59:02 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Work at bojangles for 2 years auto say It's BoTime
Springheeljac ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:38:33 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Hammer Time.
soggymittens ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 06:13:03 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I sports so hard but still find this quite amusing.
TheRealBrosplosion ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:58:04 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Wait are you me?
Tharshegl0w5 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:43:10 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Did you see that ludicrous display last night?
YoshiXIII ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 04:14:27 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Do you even sports?
IT DOESN'T MATTER! Just believe in yourself and kick that puck right into the hoop! SCORE YOURSELF THAT TOUCHDOWN!
thegoblingamer ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 06:25:15 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Dad?!
ChefBoyarDEZZNUTZZ ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 02:34:02 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
/r/madlads
[deleted] ยท 54 points ยท Posted at 20:12:56 on August 20, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
In my second language we say "like yesterday" when someone asks what time it is. It's the English version of "time to get a new watch".
rhinemaidens ยท 84 points ยท Posted at 22:56:17 on August 20, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
My dad used to say, "the same time it was 24 hours ago."
stop_the_broats ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 10:10:42 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
"What time was it when you woke up?"
"I dunno, 8:30?"
"So just count up from there"
Coes ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 14:51:17 on August 22, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Oh man that is so fucking annoying
christian-mann ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 00:49:39 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Gotta be careful with that one around March and October.
SilverAg11 ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 04:13:38 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
november?
christian-mann ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 04:17:18 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Yeah close enough
figured I'd get the benefit of the doubt since other countries do it at different times.
[deleted] ยท 7 points ยท Posted at 22:08:17 on August 20, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
username checks out
PS: India/Pakistan?
[deleted] ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 22:22:00 on August 20, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
[deleted]
me_earl ยท 45 points ยท Posted at 23:18:23 on August 20, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
That wasn't one of the choices
junica ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 01:00:38 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
All of the above.
Cooprossco ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 02:44:18 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Yes
[deleted] ยท 27 points ยท Posted at 23:23:12 on August 20, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
[deleted]
Delicateplace ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:16:16 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Aw shit me too
[deleted] ยท 12 points ยท Posted at 23:17:58 on August 20, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
[deleted]
J_FROm ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 00:25:48 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Wait... what? THAT'S MY TOWN
boreas907 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:23:57 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Hey, a Chicoan. Not many of us Butte County folks on Reddit.
BannaMonster ยท 21 points ยท Posted at 22:39:49 on August 20, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I always say "time o'clock". Throws people off
Jupiter112 ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 23:42:06 on August 20, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I mean you're not wrong
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:28:25 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I look at my wrist (I don't wear a watch) and say "Wrist o'clock."
blahblahbush ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 04:01:36 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I look at my wrist (I don't wear a watch either) and say "Hair past a freckle."
Karnicorn ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 07:07:45 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
The correct answer is 'skin thirty'
samsquanch42069 ยท 17 points ยท Posted at 23:19:01 on August 20, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
When some one asks me what time it is i usually say oh yea lemme look on my phone and stick my hand in my pocket and pull it out extending the middle finger
Dawkinsisgod ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 03:56:42 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
(looks at wrist) Hair past a freckle.
StaySwoleMrshmllwMan ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 06:52:13 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Whoa
browner87 ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 22:17:48 on August 20, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
"Like this one on my wrist that I'm trying to set? Which involves getting the time from an external source?"
[deleted] ยท 7 points ยท Posted at 23:26:27 on August 20, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
[deleted]
antimatteroffact ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:50:50 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Whenever I say "oh she won't even give me the time of day", I always add: "not that I would ask; I have a watch".
[deleted] ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 23:29:15 on August 20, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Totally this
timothymr ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 01:06:55 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
What I like doing is using this as the answer to simple questions.
'What colour is this?' 'Time you got a watch.'
Brilliant!
teemad94_ ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 13:52:26 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I used to do this, but with the phrase "sorry, i dont smoke". It started out when we'd all be out having a smoke and someone would ask for a lighter, and it was funny then, but it soon evolved into an answer to questions like: "can i borrow pen?" and "wanna go out for dinner?" Lols were had.
Got old quick for some reason
samuelmelcher ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 04:12:25 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I usually reply with "Show time!" because I listen to Hamilton way too much.
IaniteThePirate ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:37:05 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Yes! My friends have ruined me with this.
yoshibestfan ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 08:32:42 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
ITS TIME TO STOP!
Archleon ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 00:08:34 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
"It's high noon."
Every time.
JasonLauts ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 11:44:51 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
My brother had been getting me with this one a lot recently.
What time is it? One of. One of what? One of the reasons your should get a watch.
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 13:40:28 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Haaaaa that ones pretty good
GhostOfKings ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 15:37:35 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Oh geez. I have a friend that always says "time for you to get a watch," and then he pulls put his phone and goes
"Seriously though, it's one of."
"... One of what?"
"One of the reasons you should buy a watch!"
random_nightmare ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 00:51:11 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I also love adding a good "ha! That jokes timeless"
Hobo124 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:49:09 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I know like five people that do this every time and it's fucking stupid like FINE I'll PULL OUT MY PHONE, JEEZ!
Dexaan ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:05:20 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
It's high noon.
TacoBellMixtape ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:15:28 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I always do this as well.
imainthevi ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:17:18 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Same
TrustInHenry ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:07:49 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
my reply is always "when?"
ceilingscorpion ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:42:54 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Mine is always "half past a monkey's ass according to his balls"
idkwhattoputasmyname ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 04:04:07 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I always say summertime
BLRA ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 04:10:51 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I prefer this one, but its harder to get it to work.
"What time is it?" "One of" "One of what?" "One of the reasons you should get a watch"
Thepowersss ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 04:33:11 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
haha same except instead of replying with "time for you to get a watch" i say "its time to die" and then i stab them
nothingaboutme ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 06:47:51 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I always answer that question, "hammer time".
dem0n123 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 07:09:14 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Adventure time!
sonefiler ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 07:52:56 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I always look at my wrist and say " half past my freckle"
osufan765 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 08:17:47 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I was probably 10 or 11 and at an amusement park, in a time before cell phones. I'd wandered off with the kids of my dad's then girlfriend, and I was told to meet somewhere at a specific time. Of course I had no watch, and this was a time before cell phones, so I politely asked a man wearing a watch if he knew the time. Guy was probably in his late 30s, early 40s, and decided that "time for you to get a watch" was an appropriate response to a 10 year old who politely asked him what time it was.
Fuck that guy, I hope he lost his watch on a rollercoaster.
Safraninflare ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 08:45:22 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I do this all the time. Drives my boyfriend INSANE. I picked it up during my time as a camp counselor and it just. Never went away.
OverDoseTheComatosed ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 09:55:40 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
When someone asks me if I have the time I say "The time belongs to everyone!"
Or...
"Do you have the time there?" "Time is everywhere!"
killerj95 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 12:11:03 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I usually reply with "time for you to get a watch and time for me to get a better joke".
as_above_so_below ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 14:34:19 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
My favourite is "quater past half"
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 14:36:33 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I usually say half past invisible.
DavidToma ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:14:46 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I don't usually mind dumb jokes like the ones in this thread but I hate this one.
4775795f4d616e ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:33:30 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I usually say "party time."
KingotWinterCarnival ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:33:30 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I always want to reply with, "That guy's eating a hamburger, I have to be somewhere!" but no one ever gets it.
ipadloos ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:17:13 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
"Do you know what time it is?"
Me: "yes...."
Is better in Dutch, but still..
Jathom ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:49:26 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
"Not the time you hope it is. "
Or "there's a clock right there " "I can't read a clock" "No time like the present"
SwamWithTurtles ยท 75 points ยท Posted at 21:47:58 on August 20, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
LeAnn Rimes.
Wait, no it doesn't.
YeltsinYerMouth ยท 7 points ยท Posted at 01:58:40 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I do that when someone says nothing rhymes with orange
redjarman ยท 54 points ยท Posted at 23:15:56 on August 20, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Whenever someone asks where I'm going, i say "crazy"
astoicpoet ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 03:39:09 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Every time someone says they're going crazy, I respond with "you can't go to where you already are".
funkeemunkee89 ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 11:31:40 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I always respond "to hell if I don't change my ways"
FourWordCommentMan ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 03:15:08 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
"And you're driving, man!"
nianp ยท 23 points ยท Posted at 00:08:14 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Why did Sally fall off the swing? Because she had no arms.
Knock, knock. Who's there? Not Sally.
meeeehhhhhhh ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 03:58:29 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
What has 88 keys but can't open a door?
Janitor Sally.
rangaheh ยท 151 points ยท Posted at 21:28:52 on August 20, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
This thread reminds me of camping. It's in tents.
Typical_Adc ยท 28 points ยท Posted at 00:37:59 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Usually when I go camping it's fucking intense
Vengefultaco12 ยท 7 points ยท Posted at 00:48:11 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
This guy fucks
1n9i9c7om ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 14:14:14 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Unlike most of us ( อกยฐ อส อกยฐ)
Ucantalas ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 06:17:58 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
American beer is like making love in a canoe: It's fucking close to water.
jewishunicorn ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:37:29 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
This guy FUCKS
Dexaan ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 01:09:43 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I was always nervous about camping until I realized: I'm two tents.
justlikecamping ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:20:38 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I'm totally late, but that's me!
riverwarfrat ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 04:14:01 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I've always heard it as, "Have you heard of circus sex? It's in tents"
seanduckman ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 04:21:57 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I use this almost daily.
ItsQuietTime ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 06:27:57 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
That is precisely why this thread reminds me of the circus.
astrodominator ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 11:05:59 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
More like having sex while camping...it's fucking in tents
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 13:48:45 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
"You know what they say about having sex while camping, right?"
"What?"
"It's fucking in tents."
Is the normal delivery
DucksDoFly ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:05:59 on August 22, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Or You don't run through a campground. You ran because it's past-tents.
bdyelm ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:38:24 on August 22, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
"I'm a teepee, I'm a wigwam, I'm a teepee, I'm a wigwam"
I said relax man, you're too tense.
The_Barbaron ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 04:26:04 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Came here, CTRL-F'd for this.
austindoeshalo ยท 23 points ยท Posted at 00:15:05 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Why do scuba divers typically fall backward off a boat instead of going forward? Because if they fell forward they'd still be in the boat.
ER_nesto ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 11:13:26 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Trainee diver here
Can confirm
Munchyman64 ยท 89 points ยท Posted at 22:48:56 on August 20, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
What kind of bee produceses milk? ... Boobies
jamesbrownisnotdead ยท 9 points ยท Posted at 03:04:42 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Found Smeagol.
MyAccountDied ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:06:45 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
What is the most common owl in the world?
A tea towel!
TR1LLW1LL ยท 23 points ยท Posted at 22:15:33 on August 20, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
What's a frogs favorite drink? Croakacola. I think I have been using it since I was four or five.
caret-top ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 09:00:35 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Do you also tell people that his car got toad?
Kickinthegonads ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 11:53:42 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
What's a frogs anus' favorite drink? Cloacacola.
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:33:53 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
What's a kangaroo's favorite drink? Coca Koala
Zenechai ยท 80 points ยท Posted at 23:41:51 on August 20, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
What do you call a girl on your doorstep with no arms?
Sarah.
Knock knock. Who's there? Not Sarah.
gokuguy55 ยท 12 points ยท Posted at 01:40:54 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I know that one as Why did Sarah fall off the swing? B/c Sarah doesn't have any arms. Knock knock, who's there? Not sarah...
Hypothesis_Null ยท 11 points ยท Posted at 02:06:53 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Knock Knock.
Who's there?
Sarah with a headache.
gokuguy55 ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 14:12:00 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Haha!
runningdiver ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 17:41:31 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs on your porch?
Matt
What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs in your mailbox?
Bill
What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs on your wall?
Art
What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs in your pool?
Bob
What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs in your coffee?
Joe
What do you call a cow with no legs?
Ground beef
What do you call a dog with no legs?
Doesn't matter, it will never come
sastill89 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 11:26:40 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I always had this one down as:
Why did Sarah fall off the swing? No arms, Knock knock, Who's there? Not Sarah
Immediately followed with....
Why did Sally fall off the swing? Cerebral palsy
Colin_Kaepnodick ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:09:31 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Awwww man my sister's name is Sarah. I'm so gonna use this!
satyr75 ยท 20 points ยท Posted at 00:49:33 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
If someone says they're going to jump in the shower I say "Just step in. It will be safer."
Unreal_Banana ยท 135 points ยท Posted at 22:05:54 on August 20, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Guess what?
Chickenbutt
pennypoppet ยท 72 points ยท Posted at 23:14:10 on August 20, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
You know why?
Chicken thigh.
[deleted] ยท 55 points ยท Posted at 23:25:37 on August 20, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Guess who?
Chicken Poo
Distroid_myselfie ยท 56 points ยท Posted at 23:52:50 on August 20, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Can you guess the rest?
Chicken breast
sechswithchad ยท 20 points ยท Posted at 01:47:35 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
This is becoming a thing
Chicken wing
[deleted] ยท 9 points ยท Posted at 04:54:59 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
[deleted]
api10 ยท 10 points ยท Posted at 06:10:14 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Guess how?
Chicken cow.
twinfyre ยท 9 points ยท Posted at 07:50:05 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Get hit,
chicken shit.
The_Metanoia ยท 7 points ยท Posted at 09:43:58 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Watch your tone!
Chicken bone
twinfyre ยท 7 points ยท Posted at 09:55:14 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Better start suckin'
Chicken fuckin'
poncho531 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:40:30 on August 22, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
irrelevant
Cobbleking32486 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:15:20 on August 22, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
cow & chicken!
zangzude ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 10:24:48 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
No it's not Chicken snot
Sounds_of_a_Sax ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 05:57:53 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Can you guess where?
In your underwear.
DucksDoFly ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:07:46 on August 22, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Guess where? Chickens don't fly. Did I do it right?
AfriQ ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 00:42:44 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Taste like lizard Chicken gizzard.
NdidNdid ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 05:18:39 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
My kids (ages 8 & under) have enough of me in them that once they learn this response they will use it forever.
Do you know how often kids that age say "guess what?" They say it a lot. A whole lot. Even after 7 years of them talking, I still have to stop myself from saying "chicken butt" every time.
theSeanO ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:19:19 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I even do this when my friend texts me "Guess what". I can feel her eyes rolling through the phone.
Delicateplace ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:15:24 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Are you Buckley's angel?
Baron_Von_Happy ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 10:27:07 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Tim?
suburbanson ยท 91 points ยท Posted at 23:03:44 on August 20, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Whenever anyone says "but, umm" in the middle of a sentence, I go "ba dum tss"
Everyone hates it.
Mastifyr ยท 11 points ยท Posted at 23:41:22 on August 20, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Or you could take a drink
Metallkiller ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 07:40:44 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
They'll realize and exploit it.
justlikecamping ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 03:24:14 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
That reminds me of one of my favorite jokes:
Two snare drums and a cymbal fall down a canyon. Ba dum tss
pcyr9999 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 16:11:03 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I do the pink panther song.
But um, ba dum, ba dum ba dum ba dum ba dum ba dummmmmm bum bum bum ba bum.
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:53:40 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
You and me both buddy. Wife hates it but I can't help it.
Delicateplace ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:19:49 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I "but, umm" too much so occasionally when I notice it I follow it up with two more but-ums in increasing pitch to sound like fanfare.
naut ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 14:24:10 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
My sister's 46 and I still do this to her
PanickySam ยท 75 points ยท Posted at 21:49:07 on August 20, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Two muffins are in an oven. One turns and says, "It's getting hot in here..." The other responds, "Holy crap! A talking muffin!"
2called_chaos ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 01:29:45 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Is it weird that I know that this joke was used by Jake in two and a half men? I always just remember the useless stuff :(
PanickySam ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:50:36 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
That's weird. I remember it from middle school, I haven't watched that show.
Metal_Badger ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 06:04:02 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Different version:
Two muffins are in an oven. One turns to the other and says, "Man, it's hot in here! Haha!" The other replies, "We're going to die in here"
fluffless ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 13:09:40 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I love this joke! And now everytime anyone complains that it's hot, my brother turns to them with shock and exclaims "Holy crap, a taking muffin!"
Best.
apostasism ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:58:02 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
this is my favorite joke except with sausages in a frying pan
noonan1994 ยท 159 points ยท Posted at 19:57:36 on August 20, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
That's what she said.
DecoyNumber7 ยท 217 points ยท Posted at 20:01:37 on August 20, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
"That's what." ~ She
Minoripriest ยท 12 points ยท Posted at 02:04:25 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
VirginTears666 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:14:56 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Yoda?
api10 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 06:13:52 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
"Is that so, you bitch?" ~ Me
BroJackson_ ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 12:43:59 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
"That." - she
[deleted] ยท 36 points ยท Posted at 20:11:30 on August 20, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Michael Scott?
PlatonicTroglodyte ยท 34 points ยท Posted at 22:23:58 on August 20, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Wayne Gretzky
ElPenguino02 ยท 42 points ยท Posted at 22:45:26 on August 20, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
-Michael Scott
thegreenrobby ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 04:17:10 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
-Meliana Trump
twinfyre ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 07:50:46 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
-JOHN CENA
KarmaCausesCancer ยท -1 points ยท Posted at 22:58:58 on August 20, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I saw that episode as well.
VishDonkeyPunch ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 01:00:19 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I can't believe I had to scroll so far down for this. This should be #1 on the list.
Lowbacca1977 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 04:48:43 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Fav time I've used this, I think, was to a friend that had said "I regret this decision, not because it's heavy, but because it's bulky and restricts my leg movement"
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 11:20:40 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
My friends and I use this so much that we've developed a 'shorthand' for it - we make a popping sound instead, that way we can keep up a facade of maturity.
[deleted] ยท 39 points ยท Posted at 04:56:48 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
[deleted]
SpacepopeIX ยท 7 points ยท Posted at 15:41:37 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
What the..I 'm dying and I don't know why
A_Gentle_Taco ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:42:36 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
What the fuck?
GigglesLtd ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 09:43:26 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
That is amazing!
xaphanz ยท 20 points ยท Posted at 00:09:58 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
anytime i buy cheddar at the supermarket, i warn the cashier just before they reach to grab and scan it... "be careful, it's sharp".
PinkSatanyPanties ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 03:19:13 on August 22, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
A+ joke, would snort again.
Fatalstryke ยท 66 points ยท Posted at 22:59:36 on August 20, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
"You know what drives me nuts? A steering wheel on me dick."
"Well, well, well... that's where you get water."
"So... that's what you do with a needle and thread." (Sew)
Dexaan ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 01:12:28 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I was never very good at sewing. I am a so-so sewer.
chiefboiardi ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 04:40:55 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I have a similar one for so. (Them)-So.....(Me)-Buttons?
Ucantalas ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 06:20:17 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
"Did you hear about the three deep holes? Well, well, well..."
swimming_upstream94 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 06:22:37 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Anytime someone says "So..." and trails off, I respond, "a needle pulling thread?" (the line from the song "Do, a Deer")
GeekDNA0918 ยท 50 points ยท Posted at 20:18:24 on August 20, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Aziz! Light!!!!!
Jokerspoon ยท 8 points ยท Posted at 00:44:48 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Much better, thank you Aziz.
twinfyre ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 07:54:56 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
THE ORDER IS GIVEN!
sleeplessone ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 08:40:42 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
GLORY TO SHURIMA!
erroneouspony ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 03:59:13 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Big bada boom
metaphone ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 00:23:54 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
AZIZ LIGHT ||||| ||||| |
Azzizzi ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 01:23:37 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I don't get it.
Brewsleroy ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 01:46:28 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Fifth Element I believe
abstract_misuse ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 06:49:45 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Definitely.
GeekDNA0918 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:28:16 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Sorry?
Azzizzi ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:38:28 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I kind of remember it at the beginning of the movie.
motoroats ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 04:17:27 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Much better, thank you Aziz
scubasteave2001 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 13:34:33 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Thank you Aziz that's much better.
Rhawk_Enrholle ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:08:39 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Glad I'm not the only one that uses this refrence! :)
OOOLIAMOOO ยท 36 points ยท Posted at 22:38:31 on August 20, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
"Wow, that's a nice beard you have" "Thank you, I grew it myself"
malenkylizards ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 06:43:57 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
My girlfriend says this when I comment favorably on her breasts.
FattyJansen ยท 16 points ยท Posted at 02:42:03 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Carrying hot soup pans through the kitchen, "coming through hot stuff, and some soup."
Redlif ยท 13 points ยท Posted at 22:30:44 on August 20, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
What does a fish smoke?
Sea weed...
Mithrandir_Earendur ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:29:25 on August 22, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
50% sea 50% weed
BlackICEE32oz ยท 14 points ยท Posted at 04:41:29 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
How many mice does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Two. The real question is how to go about getting them inside of the lightbulb.
Got to use that one on two police officers while riding in the back of their cruiser. They were not amused.
molten_dragon ยท 61 points ยท Posted at 19:14:28 on August 20, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Whenever someone says the word hormone: You know how to make a whore moan? You don't pay her.
Tehgumchum ยท 20 points ยท Posted at 19:58:38 on August 20, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Doesn't work that way, she punched me in the balls and stole my fucking wallet
allyourlives ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 02:52:20 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Funny way of saying you payed her to touch your balls
Timett_son_of_Timett ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 22:13:28 on August 20, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
My kinda party!
blahblahbush ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 04:05:13 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
FTFY.
ImmortanKenneth ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 06:04:16 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Australian answer: kick her in the cunt.
Luckinflux ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 07:04:53 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I thought you had to put sand in her lube.
UncleLester ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:56:13 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Mr. Connery, please pick a category.
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 11:32:10 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
You can't bring a whore to culture.
ShiningandGlistening ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:09:11 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Oh that's funny. Now we play the waiting game.
blahblahbush ยท 13 points ยท Posted at 03:39:14 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Puns are bad, but poetry is verse.
calmlunatic ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 13:29:59 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Prison poetry has its prose and cons.
jojobeans22 ยท 12 points ยท Posted at 03:49:57 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Why are teenage girls always in odd numbered groups? Because they just can't even.
II_Confused ยท 13 points ยท Posted at 03:57:41 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Whenever someone says "Let us go." (IE: "Let's go" without abbreviation.) I always reply with "Cabbage stays here." I've been telling that joke for thirty years and nobody's laughed
SpacepopeIX ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 16:59:28 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Do you know why romaine and I never got married? Her mother wouldn't lettuce
4775795f4d616e ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:42:36 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I'm sure someone laughed in the past 30 years, just not at your joke.
ejunk1991 ยท 14 points ยท Posted at 04:26:40 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
When someone else is singing
Me: Who sings this?
Them: blah blah
Me: Lets keep it that way
JacksonSqueaks ยท 37 points ยท Posted at 22:56:35 on August 20, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
A dwarf who was a mystic escaped from prison. An all points bulletin went out that there was a small, medium at large
Peefy ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 01:19:56 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Jokes are a rare medium well done.
Six_rings ยท 12 points ยท Posted at 22:10:15 on August 20, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
"Is the government a tree?" (waits for person to respond) "But it has branches." I told this to a friend of mine and she kicked me out of her office.
Chadilla ยท 12 points ยท Posted at 23:23:38 on August 20, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
A man walks into a bar an says "ow"...
Mastifyr ยท 15 points ยท Posted at 23:40:02 on August 20, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Two men walk into a bar. The third one ducks.
4775795f4d616e ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 15:38:35 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I have a really short friend, we'll call him James. Our version of the joke usually was "Two men walk into a bar. The third one was James."
whatisthisicantodd ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 06:50:25 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
[Pesron you hate] walked into a bar and lowered it.
FlyCaster97 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 14:04:31 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
So a baby seal walks into a club...
Mastifyr ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 16:20:12 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
r/jesuschristreddit
HowSweetAreYou ยท 12 points ยท Posted at 00:25:54 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
2 word joke: Dwarf Shortage
ImmortanKenneth ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 06:05:41 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
4 word joke: vennison's dear, isn't it?
(Thanks Jimmy Carr.)
PM_UR_FAV_HENTAI ยท 11 points ยท Posted at 00:37:09 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
How do elephants like to hide?
They paint their testicles red and hide in the apple tree. (Think about it; have you ever seen an elephant in an apple tree? That's because they're really good at it!)
What's the loudest sound in Africa?
Giraffes eating apples.
BlackBear37 ยท 23 points ยท Posted at 23:46:41 on August 20, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Whenever someone tells me to "Have a nice day", I respond with "Nobody tells me what to do".
Uberhypnotoad ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:33:15 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I often take a page from Archer and angrily yell back, "You're not my supervisor!"
sociologize ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:39:58 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
My dad does this when we go through the toll booths. Only he waits until we're driving away to shout it.
totallymisreadit ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:45:57 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Kind of the same but I'll mumble don't tell me what to do under my breath like a scared kid before slightly running away
makeupmarissa ยท 23 points ยท Posted at 20:33:01 on August 20, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
What did one lawyer say to the other lawyer? "We're both lawyers!"
TurbanOnMyDickhead ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:53:56 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Law student here. FTFY. I'm no fun at parties :/
antimattr ยท 11 points ยท Posted at 02:22:13 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Bretreck ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:56:11 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I love the pocket one. I also go with "your socks are untied".
blahblahbush ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:25:40 on August 29, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
"Enjoy your trip! See you next fall."
Tjkim ยท 11 points ยท Posted at 04:45:08 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
What's the difference between a well dressed man on a bicycle and a poorly dressed man on a tricycle?
Attire!
PinkSatanyPanties ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:09:25 on August 22, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
10/10 excellent pun, would giggle again.
-eDgAR- ยท 45 points ยท Posted at 22:30:19 on August 20, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
One hot summer day on Sesame Street, Bert and Ernie are sitting outside on the stoop of their apartment. Bert turns to Ernie and says, "Hey Ernie, want to get some ice cream?" Ernie replies, "Sure Bert."
lostgirl19 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 09:48:44 on August 22, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Doesn't work of you're not American.
frenchelection ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 04:36:47 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Yea. Except its sherbet.
CpnStumpy ยท 9 points ยท Posted at 22:23:14 on August 20, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Any time someone comments about something not working, or them being unable to do something, I find myself compelled to ask "Have you tried harder?" or rather to simply say "Try harder."
This has been going for ~10 years now, I'm pretty sure I will never stop.
billbaggins ยท 11 points ยท Posted at 00:20:59 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
My uncle has 3 and a half reasons to practice safety when using a table saw.
StacheKetchum ยท 9 points ยท Posted at 00:21:48 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Why does a chicken coop only have two doors?
If it had four doors, it would be a chicken sedan.
CaptainPolarBear2279 ยท 10 points ยท Posted at 00:47:13 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
My three favorite jokes of all time: 1- What do you get when you cross a cow and an octopus?
A reprimand from the Research Ethics Committee and an immediate cessation of funding.
2- What does a nosy pepper do?
It gets jalapeรฑo business.
3- (just read this one on reddit) How many feminists does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
One. Men can be feminists too.
Roth55 ยท 10 points ยท Posted at 00:52:28 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I work in a produce department.
I like to tell my coworkers when they are slacking off that they arent being very... produceful.
calmybalmy ยท 10 points ยท Posted at 01:33:20 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Did you hear about that new restaurant on the moon? Ah, well I ate there once. Food was good, but absolutely no atmosphere.
Micmacmo08 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 04:43:06 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
You could make it a two for one by saying the food was out of this world.
Micmacmo08 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 04:43:09 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
You could make it a two for one by saying the food was out of this world.
calmybalmy ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:41:30 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Nice
Rubyheart255 ยท 10 points ยท Posted at 04:32:53 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Did you hear about the guy who got his left arm and left leg cut off? He's dead now.
Why did the chicken cross the road? To get to the idiot's house.
Knock knock. (Who's there?) The chicken.
Badblackdog ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 04:44:19 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I'm going to borrow the chicken one.
tazUK ยท 18 points ยท Posted at 20:44:34 on August 20, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Q: Do you want some trifle? A: Just a trifle.
It was my maternal grandfather's joke at every family Christmas / Easter evening meal. I've kept going with it as tribute to the man who used to play sword fight with 6 / 7 year old me using my plastic pirate swords until his health failed him.
SomeBroadYouDontKnow ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 17:20:01 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
My maternal grandma's favorite Christmas joke is "not a creature was stirring, not even a mouse stirred." She tells it every year, but most of us laugh because we find it hilarious that a woman her age still laughs at a turd joke.
HaremKing294 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:39:01 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I thought this was going somewhere else, for a second there...
D45_B053 ยท 19 points ยท Posted at 00:23:11 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Anytime I see a "no weapons allowed" sign, I tell whoever I'm with that I can't go into that store. When they ask why, I pull my sleeve up and say "They won't let me in with THESE GUNS!".
[deleted] ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 04:02:25 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Are you a vet? Because these pythons are SICK! flexes
D45_B053 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 04:09:13 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Somebody call a vet! These puppies are SICK! flex
Kundobro ยท 10 points ยท Posted at 20:21:34 on August 20, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Knock knock. Who's there? Shamp. Shamp who? Wait for laughter and eye rolls...
abstract_misuse ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 06:55:02 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
You may be waiting for a while...
[deleted] ยท 10 points ยท Posted at 00:36:58 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Whenever someone says I'm late I always say it's not mine
[deleted] ยท 9 points ยท Posted at 03:56:16 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I have a string of eggcellent puns that I will never stop using. sometimes i get the order all scrambled, but its devilishly hard to keep them in the right order. I swear, all my friends have poached my puns, but I try to keep my sunny side up about it, and tend to let it blow over easy.
notepad7 ยท 10 points ยท Posted at 05:05:59 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Dude watch out for that tree!
Why?
It looks kind of shady to me.
Phreakiture ยท 16 points ยท Posted at 01:37:26 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Why is drinking American beer like making love in a canoe?
Because it's fucking close to water!
Unfortunately, it's lost some of its punch in recent years with the development of the craft beer industry.
boobsaget_27 ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 10:29:58 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
That's why you change "American beer" to "light beer". Joke still lands.
Phreakiture ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:07:44 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Good call. I'll do that.
coleyboley25 ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 22:04:25 on August 20, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Hey is for horses!
dangerbiscuits ยท 23 points ยท Posted at 00:19:40 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
What does a gay horse eat? Haaaaaaaaay
sevenstorms ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 14:50:13 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
What do three gay gay horses eat? Hey hey hey!
rugski ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:23:16 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Horse dick
xyz66 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 11:35:36 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Horse cock?
HEY_MAN_DECENT_SHOT ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 01:25:51 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
When someone says "Hey" I always response with "Hay is for horses and you're a jackass."
rilekit ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 01:44:07 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
My mom used to say that all the time, and my stepdad told me I should respond with "but better for cows. Do you want some?" I tried it once. Didn't go over well.
mimbailey ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 04:22:58 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
"โฆgrass is much cheaper."
Back2Bach ยท 7 points ยท Posted at 22:07:26 on August 20, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Question: "Why did the chicken stop in the middle of the road?"
Answer: "So she could really lay it on the line."
softero ยท 8 points ยท Posted at 04:13:45 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
My dad once while walking down a trail picked up a log and said "I can turn this log into a dragon." No one believed him, so he started pulling it along and said "See? Now it's a'draggin'!"
I use it all the time. You can turn anything into a dragon. Except French fries. Those turn into dragon fries.
TurbanOnMyDickhead ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:56:21 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Chinese dragon flies?
EiB_LT ยท 28 points ยท Posted at 22:30:59 on August 20, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
/u/username goes shopping and goes to the till
Username checks out
Smailien ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 03:14:47 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Last comment was 7 years ago. He really did check out.
YggdrasillEnt ยท 19 points ยท Posted at 22:48:32 on August 20, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Whenever someone, usually my wife, calls me a smartass I always reply "Better than being a dumbass."
Alreadytakeb ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:26:24 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Me too!
UrbanRenegade19 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 08:12:59 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I've used that and "at least mine can do tricks"
taon4r5 ยท 13 points ยท Posted at 23:17:35 on August 20, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I'd give my right arm to be ambidextrous.
Captain_Taggart ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 01:37:14 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I'll become immortal or die trying!!!
darkchill ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 01:38:37 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
A favourite of mine too
maxwellicus ยท 7 points ยท Posted at 04:26:59 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
My name is Max. Sometimes, when I say the word 'max' I replace it with 'me', such as: "I pushed it to the me". It is yet to get a laugh, but I'm not stopping.
TurbanOnMyDickhead ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:03:04 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I imagine you saying that and people giving you confused looks. You then have to explain to the group of strangers that your name is Max.
AdamFiction ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 20:20:00 on August 20, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
You know why they hunt elephants in Alabama? 'Cause the Tuscaloosa.
Cobbleking32486 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:57:27 on August 22, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Tuscaloosa is primarily known for their college football team, whose mascot is an elephant.
Thezodiacwoofle ยท 7 points ยท Posted at 21:17:17 on August 20, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
What do you call a cow without legs?
Ground beef.
Zenechai ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 23:55:50 on August 20, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef.
What do you call a masturbating steer? Beef stroganoff.
fubo ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 04:33:59 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
A bull has tubal but a steer has noble.
serial_diet_coker ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:52:36 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
No, no, no, a cow with two legs is OP's mom.
anko47 ยท 7 points ยท Posted at 23:45:36 on August 20, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Whenever someone tells me I'm a pussy, I say "you are what you eat". (I use this line all the time even though I know it's not true)
davesewell ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:22:30 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I use the same gag but follow it with 'so that's why your an arsehole' (or a dick)
AltNixon ยท 7 points ยท Posted at 01:07:05 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
So a baby seal walks into a club....
unpopular_speech ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 01:26:12 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
What did the doe say when she came walking out of the woods?
That's the last time I do that for two bucks.
pyungshin ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 01:32:23 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Polack walks into a bar with a parrot on his head. Bartender asks, "Where'd you get that thing?" Parrot replies, "Poland, there's millions of 'em."
Calliusthegreat1 ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 04:57:24 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
My dad loves this one:
What do you do when you see a spaceman?
Park in it, man!
sangeetpaul ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 11:26:59 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I once made a joke about the guy who murdered a bunch of disabled people. The joke was lame but well executed.
JDogg_of_RS ยท 10 points ยท Posted at 22:40:37 on August 20, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Why is 6 afraid of 7? Because 7 ate 9.
doorkn00b ยท 25 points ยท Posted at 00:58:20 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
When I was a kid, I did not understand how the joke worked, so I would say it with random numbers.
"Why was 72 afraid of 19? Because 638!"
mrmetaknight875345 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:27:39 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Wait... Are you me?
biscuitofsabotage ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 00:04:21 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
7 was a registered 6 offender
7 was sixist
xyz66 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 11:38:29 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Because Six hasn't been the same since he left Vietnam. Every time he closes his eyes, he's sees Charlie hiding in the darkness of the forest. Not that you could ever see those bastards, mind you. They were fast and they knew their way around the jungle. He remembers the looks on the boy's faces when they walked into that village and... oh Jesus. He shouldn't think about that now. Sometimes he still hears Tex's slow southern drawl. He remembers the smell of Brooklyn's cigarettes. He always had a pack of Luckys. But the boys are gone now... he knows that. It's--it's just that he forgets sometimes. And sometimes the way that seven looks at him, it makes him think. Sets him on edge. And he feels like he's back there, in the jungle, in the darkness, alone.
Seven also has a hook for a hand as well, which is very scary.
dangerbiscuits ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:09:39 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Because seven was a registered six offender.
vandancouver ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:10:24 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Because 7 is a six offender.
Blueshark275 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:36:38 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
As 7 is a registered six offender
YeltsinYerMouth ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:56:37 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Huh, I had heard it was 6 7 8
d4m4s74 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:43:53 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Are you yoda?
malenkylizards ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 06:45:13 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
According to Sigmund Freud, what comes between fear and sex?
Fรผnf!
Thelexi0n ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 14:32:05 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Why is 6 afraid of 7? Because 7 has cold dead eyes
ALWAYS_TELLING_LIES ยท 14 points ยท Posted at 21:45:16 on August 20, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
What do you call a deer with no eyes?
No-eye-deer.
What do you call a deer with no eyes or legs?
Still-no-eye-deer. (Get it, because it's lame?)
What do you call a deer with no legs, no eyes, no dick, and no pussy?
Still-no-fucking-eye-deer.
peanutbutterjams ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 06:18:13 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
What, deer can't have anal now?
ALWAYS_TELLING_LIES ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 14:19:08 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
No, the tail blocks it.
Algoritmi_ ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 06:33:30 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Only Americans can pronounce the word deer with two syllables.
hardly_quinn ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:24:18 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
What do you call a deer with one eye? "I have an eye-deer"
ALWAYS_TELLING_LIES ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:09:07 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
You, I like you.
hardly_quinn ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:40:58 on August 23, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I want to believe you but
[deleted] ยท 10 points ยท Posted at 00:43:00 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
You heard about Pluto? That's messed up right?
Adnon2012 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:59:00 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Best pickup line ever. Although for some reason, it's worked 0 times for me.
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:00:57 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Not sure what you are talking about, the ladies love that line.
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 04:04:07 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I've heard it both ways.
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 04:07:45 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
The right then there's your way
pcyr9999 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:14:19 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I've heard it both ways
[deleted] ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 23:46:54 on August 20, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Three men walk into a bar. You'd think at least one of them would have ducked.
insultant_ ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 23:53:36 on August 20, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I always hold the stud finder up to my chest "to see if it still works."
It still does.
huskerpower_53 ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 23:56:56 on August 20, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Have you ever smelled mouth balls? How did you get his little legs pulled apart?
CeadMileSlan ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 23:57:32 on August 20, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
"What d'you call a Frenchman in sandals?" "Philippe-flop!"
Jeremy1026 ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 00:17:15 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
What does a gay horse eat? Heeeeeeeeeeeeeeyyyyyyy! It was my sisters favorite, it'll live on hopefully for a few generations.
malenkylizards ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 06:58:02 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Followed by, "What does a lesbian horse eat? gruffly HEY."
[deleted] ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 00:20:18 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
[deleted]
A_Gentle_Taco ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 05:35:59 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Where I work we sell tons of camo, and whenever a customer is trying it on I make a point to bump into them and say "Oh sorry, didnt see you there."
WiBorg ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 00:49:31 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Person coughs
Me: "What did one casket say to the other casket?..."
"Is that you coffin?"
yungwafflz ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 01:29:51 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
picks up sharp cheddar cheese "Ow! That's sharp" drops the package of cheese
[deleted] ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 02:46:31 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Every time my friend empties the bowl from the bong and taps it on the table, I say "come in"
Joshcwiththee ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 03:03:00 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Most of these jokes aren't even that funny. Probably because they're German jokes. German jokes are the wurst.
malenkylizards ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 06:50:00 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Why does Jennifer poops at parties, so that the peoples know this?
Cobbleking32486 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:02:54 on August 22, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
people who tell these are brats. (only works written)
GlassDeviant ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 03:04:01 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Interrupting cow.
Interupti...
MOO! MOO! MOO!
bishopolis ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 04:31:17 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
"you know how to piss off your girlfriend while having sex? Ya PHONE her!"
botcomking ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 08:08:03 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
When passing by a field of cows, "did you know those are award winning cows?". "what really?". "yeah they're out standing (outstanding) in their field!"
mima42 ยท 9 points ยท Posted at 23:34:05 on August 20, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
You know when you look at the sky and see those birds flying in a V shape and one side is always longer than the other side. Do you know why that is?
More birds on that side.
[deleted] ยท 12 points ยท Posted at 21:15:34 on August 20, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Can I ask you a question?
(fart)
[deleted] ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 03:34:43 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I farted as I read this.
MainMenu484 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 03:52:48 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Silent fart
Am I crazy or does it smell like popcorn in here?
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 11:37:49 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Uuggghhh
beast_nuts ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 21:35:14 on August 20, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Did you hear about the fire at the circus? It was in tents.
malenkylizards ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 06:47:42 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Man goes to doctor. Says keeps having nightmare. Dreams he turns into teepee. Then he turns into wigwam. Then he turns into teepee. Then he turns into wigwam. Doctor says, "I know your problem. You're two tents."
ptolemy96 ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 22:45:44 on August 20, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Doctor doctor, I've got a strawberry growing out of my head. "I've got some cream for that"
phuzzyvision ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 23:09:55 on August 20, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Anybody uses the term "intense" I always reply with the question:"So it's like camping? In tents."
Katiepom ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 00:26:05 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Why did the monkey fall out of the tree?
Because it was dead
HamEspionage ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 00:28:02 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
if i'm near a friend at the urinals, i will always say "nice watch"
LetsGoPeay ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 00:54:54 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
What do you get when you cross a penis a potato?
Spoiler
My all time favorite dumb joke.
thatG_evanP ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 05:23:36 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
A friend of my stepbrother's tied a potato to the front of his belt for Halloween at school. When people asked him what he was supposed to be that was his answer. Surprisingly he never got in trouble.
CatchMySnap ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 01:36:24 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
What's green and has four wheels?
Grass. I lied about the wheels.
hooloovooblues ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 01:53:09 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
An eagle's wingspan is 12 feet when it's flying away from the sun, what is an eagle's wingspan when it's flying toward the sun?
Six feet, because it has to fly like this! (Cover face with one arm and flap with the other.)
KeithMyArthe ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 02:15:24 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
'How long will dinner be ?' 'About 6ยฝ inches...'
Paxx0 ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 02:22:47 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
"Are you serious?"
"No, I'm Snape..."
Im just gonna keep saying it 'till people laugh.
slicwilli ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 02:44:38 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I know a great knock knock joke, but you have to start it off.
SinisterDirge ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:33:26 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Knock knock.
slicwilli ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:48:12 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Who's there?
SinisterDirge ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:52:55 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
To.
malenkylizards ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 06:46:09 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I don't know anybody named To. Try next door.
Juney88 ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 03:02:33 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Every time I see lettuce I bow my head and say: "Lettuce pray"
I'm usually the only that laughs
PMMEYOURDANKESTMEME ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 04:29:50 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
What kind of a bagel flies? A "plane" bagel.
Also, did I tell you that joke about butter?
Oh wait...
I can't tell you, you'll...
Spread it.
vampfredthefrog ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 04:46:21 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
If anyone asks me where I was on 9/11, I ask them what year?
Gregorofthehillpeopl ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 04:48:18 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Girlfriend likes Disney stuff. So when at a mall we have to stop by the Disney store.
I will grab a Nemo plush, and say loudly "FOUND HIM!!!!".
She will roll her eyes, I will say ,"He was right here the entire time. Not sure what all the fuss is about. Hell, they got a full rack of him here."
Thatwelshguy ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 08:22:51 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Do you know any benefits to living in Switzerland? The flag's a big plus.
Roguer9 ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 12:10:57 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
"My girlfriend left me for my obsession with touching pasta.
I'm feeling cannelloni right now."
Occasionally I'll follow up with, "At least I still have my pastatutes"
TagoMago1 ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 13:17:39 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
"I once bought a car from Bonnie Tyler on eBay"
"It's ok but every now and then it falls apart"
Ba dum tss
hzbbaum ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 13:43:55 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Arghhhhh!! You idiot!! Do you know how long it will take me to get that song and joke out of my head?!?????
dancingingotham ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 13:38:12 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
"I'm hungry" - "Hi, Hungary, I'm Czech Republic"
"I'm thirsty" - Hi Thursday, I'm Friday"
"Why are we rushing?" That's funny, I thought we were Scottish.
defartknight ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 13:40:03 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I work in an Emergency Department and my go to dad joke is always... "Do you know how we tell the difference between the oral and rectal thermometers? The taste is a dead give away."
[deleted] ยท 8 points ยท Posted at 00:23:58 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
What's the difference between a wolf and a flee? A wolf howls in the Prairie and a flee prowls on the hairy
but_mine_does ยท 7 points ยท Posted at 19:25:29 on August 20, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
And my axe!
beast_nuts ยท -1 points ยท Posted at 21:36:34 on August 20, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Very effective over short distances!
honestlyevil ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 22:31:38 on August 20, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
What do you drive? Girls crazy
mechaweavis ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 22:55:32 on August 20, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Why did the tomato blush?
It saw the salad dressing.
TheShortestHobbit ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 22:59:45 on August 20, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
What is a giraffe's favorite fruit? A neck-tarine.
malenkylizards ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 06:57:13 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I hope the next time you have a double decker ice cream cone, the ice cream part falls off the cone part and lands in australia
Rubensteezy ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 23:05:48 on August 20, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Other person "Hey, How's it going?" Me: "Like words can't describe"
Sneekysauce ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 23:20:36 on August 20, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
"That's what she said."
raptorreid ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 23:26:24 on August 20, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
my name is Reid...too often when people ask me if I've read some book or article, my response is "I can't read"...It's usually an automatic response, now.
Grant692 ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 23:43:24 on August 20, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Whenever I'm in pain or something, I'll say "ughhhh I'm dying," and my girlfriend always says something to the effect of "shut up, you're not dying." Then I come back with "I am dying...slowly." She hates it every time. I say it whenever someone else says they're dying as well. I probably won't enjoy saying it as much in like 50 years, but I'm getting my laughs in while I can.
TheGeorgeJameson ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 23:47:32 on August 20, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Did you hear about the fire at the circus? It was in tents
Seannyboy234 ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 23:49:01 on August 20, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Whenever a friend of mine is headed to a math class...."I'll calc-u-later"
PM_UR_FAV_HENTAI ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 00:34:01 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
How did Hitler the his shoelaces?
In cute little knotzis! :D
RedditorInCh1ef ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 01:35:15 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
They had just built a new Walmart super center in my hometown, and it was a podunk enough place that the sales the first few weeks drew people from all over. Anyway, they had a new stoplight, and so the first time my grandma goes there she rear ends this guy at the intersection that is different from how she remembers. She was a very, I guess proper person, but she was still a little surprised when the driver of the car she hit got out. He was, small. And like I said, the town was small enough that everybody knew everybody, so it must have been like a double surprise for her. Anyway, this guy, do I say midget? I don't know what the pc word is, anyway he gets out and he walks over and taps on my grandmas window. She was so surprised she just sat there, hadn't gotten out or anything. Anyway, she rolls down the window, and he must see she is old and tries to calm himself down, he says to her, "lady, I am not happy"
Grandma says, "well, which one are you?"
mike11499 ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 01:57:45 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Humor isn't everyone's cup of dead baby.
WeepyDonuts ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 01:59:58 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Reversing what a person says and insulting them with it. For example someone will say "This smells bad" to which I reply "You smell bad".
Has been my thing for a good 10 years now.
Cobbleking32486 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:05:16 on August 22, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
It's only been my thing for 3.
WeepyDonuts ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:33:51 on August 22, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
You've been my thing for 3....
AyeMyHippie ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 02:32:15 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I present to you, the muffin joke:
Two muffins are sitting in an oven. One muffin says "holy shit it's hot in here!" The other muffin says "HOLY SHIT A TALKING MUFFIN!"
BabylonDrifter ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 04:13:30 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Somebody accidentally says a rhyme, I respond with "You're a poet, and you didn't even know that you were one."
Dshinjiakyn ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 04:15:57 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Careful dark humor!
I saw a black man carrying a giant tv on my way home and thought โThat one looks like mineโ. As i came home I was reliefed. He was still there cleaning my shoes.
Kroke86 ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 04:20:22 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Whenever someone says their pissed off I reply with "Well its better than being pissed on."
poncho531 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:28:36 on August 22, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
"I'd rather be pissed off, then pissed on"
nzmuzak ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 04:31:45 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Whenever anyone says they've found a huge spider I look at it and say, 'pfft, I'm bigger than that.'
catbert359 ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 07:05:14 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I call the London Underground the Lunderground. I find it hilarious. I have yet to meet another person who does :P
๐๏ธ wonderingtumbleweed ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 07:16:32 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I think you just have, I'm using this from now on haha
jumersmith ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 12:13:23 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Whenever I'm checking out at a register, I put the divider to separate my purchases from the person in front of mine. When the cashier puts the divider away, I'll look at whomever I'm with and say
"I keep trying to buy that, and they always put it back!"
Cue eye roll and groans of annoyance from a successful joke, my husband is so sick of that joke but it's too good to me.
a_tiny_ant ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 12:57:49 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
When I show my appendix scar. I tell people I got sliced with a knife. Which is true to an extent.
[deleted] ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 13:06:09 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Not funny
RaffScrapz ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 20:28:27 on August 20, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
A blowjob is better than no job!
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 23:57:49 on August 20, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
2meta2fast.
Aaron-93 ยท 7 points ยท Posted at 20:09:45 on August 20, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Whats brown and looks through your window?
A nosy shit.
thelonebard ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 22:30:04 on August 20, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Your face is ___
ikovee1 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 22:35:07 on August 20, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
"Hey!"
"Hay is for horses!"
malenkylizards ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 06:56:44 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
"Hay is for horses, cows eat grass, pucker up and kiss my ass!"
ComeAlongPonds ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 06:16:54 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Makes a bull fart
or
Makes a cow fat
kritaroo ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 23:49:11 on August 20, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
What do you call cheese that doesn't belong to you?
Nacho cheese
[deleted] ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 23:49:26 on August 20, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
What did one snowman say to the other? Does it smell like carrots?
squirrlythebish ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 23:57:23 on August 20, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I'm an English teacher, and whenever I teach grammar, I always giggle after saying the word "but." It makes my kids giggle every time.
TurbanOnMyDickhead ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 17:16:11 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
What year do you teach? Please say high school AP English.
squirrlythebish ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 20:35:00 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Ha! No, 8th grade!
asmodeuskraemer ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 00:11:58 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
"wanna hear a dirty joke?
pig rolled in the mud"
-Nixxed- ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 00:13:31 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Let's head out to the local strip club, I heard they have all you can eat crabs!
Theinternetexplorer_ ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 00:22:40 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
What did the policeman say to his belt button?
"You're under a vest"
PM_UR_FAV_HENTAI ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 00:33:30 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Every time my brother mentions any pokemon in the Rhyhorn family, I always bring up the fact that It can learn Surf... Because everybody needs a pokemon to Rhydon!
...It's been going on for years. He literally punches me now.
Sourskittlez148 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 00:34:02 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Favourite one
Friend: Ow, there's something in my eye
Me: Yeah, an eyeball
jeff_the_nurse ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 00:34:27 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I'm a podiatrist. I come from a well-heeled family.
pretty1i1p3t ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 00:41:19 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
"That's what she said"
momspaghettysburg ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 00:48:48 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Why do cows have hooves? Because they lack toes! (lactose)
TheNobleSkunkApe ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 00:49:02 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Her: Hey, you know what's funny?
Me: Clowns.
Her: ....uhhhh
momspaghettysburg ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 00:49:17 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Shout out to people who are wondering what the opposite of in is.
CaptainZaid ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 00:51:15 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
"What's the time?"
"Time you got a watch"
I do this everytime and sometimes slowly lure people into asking about the time.
grundelstiltskin ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 00:52:48 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
"I've told you a MILLION times not to exaggerate!"
momspaghettysburg ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 00:52:57 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Not a joke, but a riddle; There are 3 men sitting in a boat. Each man has a cigarette but they have no way to light them. What do they do? They throw one cigarette overboard and the whole boat becomes a cigarette lighter.
[deleted] ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 01:00:02 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I'm a septic pump driver. Anytime a customer says be careful of something or asks me a question i say "jeeez I've already taken enough of your crap". Gets em everytime. And i say to myself you've just been dad joked.
NewlyDiscoveredGamer ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 01:01:24 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
X is like a German sausage, the wurst
Eloaen ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 01:12:13 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
How much does a polar bear weigh? Enough to break the ice.
Hi I'm <name>.
[deleted] ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 01:21:16 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)*
[deleted]
scruit ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:24:36 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
"Taxes, gas prices and my blood pressure."
Cobbleking32486 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:11:11 on August 22, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
an arbitrary concept.
x_R_x ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 01:25:39 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
If someone asks you know where an item is, the only reply is...
If it was up your ass, you would know it.
SHIT_PISS_WANK ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 01:32:37 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
person asks for the time
TIME TO GET A WATCH HAHAHAHAHAHHHAHAHAHAHAHHAHHAHAHAHHA
Kalentrine ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 01:35:12 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
What's green and has wheels?
Grass, I lied about the wheels.
[deleted] ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 01:35:41 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Have you ever had sex while camping? It's fucking in tents (intense) ;)
themodernbook ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 01:35:45 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
"Carrier, I just met her!" (Or literally any other word that ends in 'er.')
spacemanspiff30 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 01:38:22 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Three guys walk into a bar, the fourth one ducks.
2KilAMoknbrd ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 02:01:26 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Mike Hunt and Mike Hawk.
MrKlean518 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 02:01:41 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Any time someone says "that was intense" respond with "so is camping"
king-of-the-sea ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 02:15:22 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)*
Told whenever anyone says the word "intense:"
"I went camping once. It was... In tents."
Then you guffaw like an idiot.
Edit: I've got another one. You ask, "what's a pirate's favorite letter?"
Then they'll go, "arrrrrr!" because haha, pirates go argh.
"You'd think that, but his first love be the c."
Then you guffaw like an idiot.
TurbanOnMyDickhead ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:20:36 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Both check out. They follow the Ha, Guffaw, Aw, Ha-Ha theorem.
Cobbleking32486 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:14:06 on August 22, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
No, a pirate's favorite letter is P because without it he's irate.
l3ackstab ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 02:49:30 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
"where'd you get those clothes? The toilet store?"
Organicplastic ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 03:04:28 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
If someone ever says something that uses the word "intense" I'll always say, "like camping!" I get eye rolls nonstop.
FuriousCoder74 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 03:20:39 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I work at a large company, and people on my team are often running off to interview job candidates.
Every single time someone says "I need to go do an interview," I reply with "I hope you get the job!"
Every. Single. Time.
TacticalCanine ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 03:23:34 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Whenever someone chokes on on anything non-alcoholic I always ask, "Too strong for ya'?" Or "Am I gonna have to cut you off?" Works best with water
bob_hopeful ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 03:34:20 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I don't like mushrooms because I'm not a fun guy.
pamatpants ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 03:45:27 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
What's brown and sticky? - A stick.
TheBlackBear ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 03:59:45 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Dicks out for Harambe, and making up stories about how his passing affected our lives.
I'm sorry but the Facebook outrage and overly-emotional bullshit after that incident was fucking ridiculous, and I'll take any chance I get to mock those people.
[deleted] ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 04:00:13 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I was in a musicale where people age 5-18 could participate. One day the director called break and this adorable 6 year old saw me and my friends telling joke she walks over and says "Why couldn't the skeleton climb the mountain?" "Why sweetie?" "He didn't have the GUTS." We lost it and scared the little girl we laughed so hard. Every time I need safe joke to tell around kids I tell that one. Always gets a groan and I giggle like a retard.
NotaSport ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 04:01:56 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Whenever my close friends mention how it is outside or how warm or cold they feel, I without fail make some sort of "not as hot/cool as me joke"
BMXBikr ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 04:13:39 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
"I was going to tell you a gay joke, but (butt) fuck it."
EEKaWILL ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 04:15:08 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Why couldn't the lifeguard save the hippie? Because he is way too far out man!
SeiTaSwagger ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 04:15:41 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
When ever people mention poker, you bet your life I'll say "Poker? I don't even know'er". Actually, anything ending with -er.
I say it so much that if I'm talking about someone and that someone shows up, I can easily just randomly say "And I said 'Poker? I don't even know'er'" and they'll just think I'm being me. :)
DaftOnecommaThe ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 04:16:09 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Whenever I talk about something blatantly childish or from my childhood like the time my training wheel fell off I always finish with some way of making it sound like it was last week "yeah last week was ridiculous"
Camformer ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 04:18:56 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I work in a restaurant and if a server asks me if they can run to the washroom, I'll always respond with "as long as you run"
RyoshinK ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 04:23:01 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Ever had sex while camping? It's fucking in tents.
Ironicbanana14 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 04:25:30 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
"Your mom."
Or replying with whatever the person said for example, "You're dumb!" "No, you're dumb!"
Childish but honestly lol I do it.
onenerdylady ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 04:28:35 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Road trip jokes:
When you drive past a farm and there's hay, shout, "HEY!"
Driving past the sign indicating a windey road: "There's tire-biting snakes?!"
101cheshirecat ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 04:30:45 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Whenever someone asks me "what's up? " I have to reply "the sky." It's not a choice anymore.
Asmor ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 04:48:55 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
This is my favorite joke, ever. And I always preface telling it by explaining that this is my favorite joke ever. Usually something like this:
Me: "Hey, you wanna hear my favorite joke ever?"
Other person: "Ok..."
Me: "What's purple and commutes?"
Other person: "... I don't know, what?"
Me: "An Abelian grape!"
Other person: "..."
Me: :D
I will the explain to them that an Abelian group is a group with the commutative property. And that will not make the joke any funnier to them, because I'm not just telling this joke to math geeks.
only1mrfstr ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 04:50:19 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Ultimate dad joke, say it to my kid at bed time...
"Don't ask rye, it's time to go to bread."
Lleu ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 04:57:15 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Anytime I see my daughter writing anything (she's right handed) I exclaim "I thought you were left handed!!"
soolaimon ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 05:00:48 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Someone: "Exactly." Me: "Baconxactly."
RobertDownOnMeJrJr ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 05:01:42 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
When someone says "Bear with me."
Cue growling.
CrowWarrior ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:17:09 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
That's a good one.
melancholyswiffer ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 05:03:23 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I still like to wedge my way into random groups by exclaiming, "And then I said, who the heck is this guy?" and pretending like I'm part of the group. It usually goes well. When it doesn't... It really doesn't
ryadical ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 05:03:43 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Two guys walk into a bar... the third one ducks.
122_and_an_eighth ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 05:04:00 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Anytime someone offers me a glass of wine I ALWAYS say "wine not?".
Not quite Hitler, but definitely Mussolini.
nycdave21 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 05:08:52 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
thats what she said!
LewdDolphin21 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 05:09:46 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
When someone mentions something about a loud noise nearby: "What? I can't hear you over that thing!"
When someone mentions something about people not paying attention: "Huh? I wasn't paying attention."
Cobbleking32486 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:19:21 on August 22, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I downvote anyone who mentions downvoting, including myself.
Sicness91 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 05:10:20 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Any dad joke. I'm not even a father.
anxious_anatomist ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 05:11:13 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
In the gross lab: Rectum?! Damn near killed 'im!!
mistakes_were_madee ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 05:13:24 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
"I'm hungry."
"Nice to meet you, Hungry, I'm So and So."
Idkwthiam ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 05:29:23 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Whenever somebody drops something loud or a lot of something: "Yeah, you can just put that anywhere."
FlamingNipplesOfFire ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 05:53:10 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
This is serious. Did you guys know that every sixty seconds in Africa a minute passes?
glassad ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 06:09:38 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
What do Sea monsters eat for lunch?
Fish and Ships
KudosInc ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 06:11:24 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
yess... yES! i thrive on your comments! u/jw_01
BlankZF ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 06:38:16 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I'm Human Resources with a chain of grocery stores. I really enjoy telling the younger employees "Your smile is the most important part of your uniform!!"
iresurrectyou ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 07:05:29 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
What do you call a Mexican that lost his car?
Carlos.
What do you call a Mexican with a rubber toe?
Roberto.
What do you call an Irishman that bounces off walls?
Rick O'Shea.
HAHAHA they'll never get old.
JoshuaTheBastard ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 07:32:21 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Why can't Ray Charles drive a car?
Because he's dead.
wtf793 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 08:13:00 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
What do they call Deadpool in Spanish? El Deadpool
Stegaosaurus ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 08:31:12 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
What's brown and sticky?
A stick.
Ibney00 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 08:42:22 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Hey its me ur brother.
[deleted] ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 08:53:01 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Why were dinosaurs so big?
Because jurassic times call for jurassic measures!
Traumtropfen ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 12:50:24 on January 11, 2017 ยท (Permalink)
lol
Splodge6357 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 08:54:41 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
One of my friends will say " it's hot today" and everytime I will reply "sorry guys"
SirRinge ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 09:12:45 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
"Honestly, you're the one that's dropping it by a couple of degrees" is usually my go to when someone says that.
onlysane1 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 11:45:45 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
A masochist and a sadist are having an argument.
The masochist says, "Whip me! Whip me! Beat me! Beat me!"
The sadist says, "No."
wxguy215 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 12:10:28 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Someone says, "I'm trying to catch up."
I respond, "Mustard!"
Another one I do is:
Me: "Hey, how's it going?" Person: "Oh, just ducky." Me: "So, you're fowl?"
Sneed43123 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 12:10:33 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
When someone ask you how you like your coffee, say "Just like my men/women......". Let your mind fill out rest.
Firehawk3221 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 12:11:43 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
" what do you call a deer with no eyes?"
"No eye-deer"
ejkeebler ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 12:25:41 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
What about a deer with no eyes and no legs?
Still no eye deer
๐๏ธ wonderingtumbleweed ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 13:31:45 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
What do you call a deer with no eyes and no legs? STILL no idea
thelizkid ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 12:16:54 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Every time my husband and I go on a drive we often pass over creeks with names like 'Seven Mile Creek' and '12 Mile Creek' so without fail I ask "do you think it really goes for twelve miles?" It's so stupid but it brings me so much joy and I don't know why. When I first started it I got a chuckle from my husband, it then moved into 'it's not funny anymore.' Of course I didn't stop so we reached 'for fuck sake, stop it, it's getting really old.' He has now resigned to the fact I will never stop and has joined forces with me and we do it to our kids. The seven year old gets annoyed, "why would I know??! Stop being stupid." The five year old doesn't get it at all because he can't understand that miles is a unit of measurement and not just his name. Oh my god, I named one of my kids after a long running terribly lame joke...
MisterBigDude ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 12:23:21 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
At the start of a class, when my students have finally settled down in their seats and gotten pretty quiet, I like to put on a serious expression and say:
"So - you're all probably wondering why I've invited you here today."
I swear, that never gets old.
rtjbg ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 16:22:46 on August 22, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I did that when I got in a full lift once, it bombshelled, but I thought it was hilarious
MisterBigDude ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 23:52:25 on August 22, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
That's a perfect situation to use that line. I guess you need to work on your delivery. ;-)
rtjbg ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 16:35:26 on August 23, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Or know what level your audience is on (which is easier in a lift)
[deleted] ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 12:38:45 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Every time someone brings a bag of food in the elevator I say:
"Well if we get stuck, at least we got something to eat"
It's lame but i cant stop.
Red_Iine ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 12:55:05 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Whenever I piss off my SO and she says "Jesus Christ" or "oh god" I always respond "call me redline". My father did it constantly growing up with "call me dad" and I've inherited the sacrilege. I find it insanely funny, and increasingly so with her anger levels
feelthechurn22 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 13:01:04 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Why did the monkey fall out of the tree?
It was dead.
๐๏ธ wonderingtumbleweed ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 13:28:37 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
r/antijokes
onemanwolfpack21 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 13:06:47 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Whenever it's raining and someone makes a comment about it raining I always reply with "Great day to be a duck!"
freeballintompetty ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 13:07:03 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Why did the tomato blush? Because he saw the salad dressing.
withatee ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 13:26:49 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I work at a cafe that has ice cream by the scoop. When I serve a tiny child I always give them a huge scoop (because fuck yeah) and say 'it's almost as big as you'. I'm too far down the rabbit hole now to stop.
Rolyat403 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 13:35:54 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
A man walked into a bar... He said "ouch"
All time favorite lol
phillyfresh1990 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 13:40:23 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Two penguins are paddling their canoe through the desert. One penguin says to the other "wears your paddle." And the other penguin responds "sure does."
Its funnier when you speak it because most people hear "where's your paddle?"
Ampersands_Of_Time ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 13:45:00 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
"fuck you"
"Not with that attitude"
pplhatefreespeech ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 14:19:17 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
If anyone says "I'll be right back.", I say "Yea right that's what my Dad said!". Nobody ever gets it
maiomonster ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 14:22:51 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
What do you call 4 Mexicans in a leaky canoe? Quatro cinco
fudgev2 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 14:23:36 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
What do you call a man with a plank of wood on his head? Ed Wood
What do you call a man with two planks of wood on his head? Edward Wood
aleran13 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 14:33:33 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
What do you call a man with three planks of wood on his head? Edward Woodward.
What do you call a man with four planks of wood on his head?
I dunno, but I bet Edward Woodward Would
eltonliljohnlennon ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 14:30:02 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Not me, but my dad. Me-"how did you sleep?" Dad-"mostly on my side."
ChiengBang ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 14:40:37 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
That's what she said
i_hardly_knowername ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 14:53:14 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Did you know, LeBron James is actually French for "The Bron James."
lyderbug28 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 14:55:46 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
That's what she said
TYL3RL4 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 15:05:16 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Two muffins are in an oven. First muffin says, "It sure is hot in here". The second muffin says, "Holy shit! A talking muffin". My general manager told me that one.
Alkerino ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 15:16:41 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
What's the difference between snow-men and snow-women?
Snowballs.
[deleted] ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 15:16:45 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)*
"What is the difference between a tuna, a piano, and a stick of glue?"
"I don't know"
"You can tune a piano but you can't piano a tuna"
"..."
"Now what about the stick of glue?"
"What about it?"
"I knew you'd get stuck on that"
EDIT: Just remembered one an old coworker used to say. Everytime he'd hear a police siren: "There's my ride!"
how_frat_is_it ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 15:20:10 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
What kind of beer does Bill Cosby drink? Pilsner
Stinti ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 15:22:01 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
When I go to see a movie, I tell the guy who rips my ticket:" Why did you do that? That ticket was expensive."
[deleted] ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 15:29:47 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Then they have to apologize to you. I love this country.
IrishEv ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 15:23:14 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
These are told one right after the other
There are two fish in tank. One turns to the other and asks, "hey do you know how to drive this thing?"
There are two soldiers in a tank. One turns to the other and asks, "blub blub blub blub"
jelinski619 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 15:27:23 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
"I've got a great knock knock joke but you've gotta start" "Okay sure, knock knock" "Who's there?" "Err..."
N7Gentleman ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 16:14:11 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Three immigrants challenged each others.
"The one who survives from jumping down that building wins"
Three of them jumped at the same time.
Who won?
The Government won....
ieissler ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 16:57:30 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Oh my God, it smells like updog in here.
What's updog?
Not much. What's up with you?
(Credit to my best friend who will use this one to the day he dies.)
B3ags ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 17:04:44 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Person: Wow it's hot in here!
Me: Sorry should I leave???
ba dum tiss
Katnip37 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 17:05:56 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Okay so im a recovering drug addict. The first time i was in rehab my mom gave me a hard time for smoking a carton of cigs in oh about 3 days. So while she was chewing me out i stop her and reply with,"mom, you know whats worse than cigarettes? DRUGS." She was at a loss for words and couldnt argue my point. Since then i replace the word 'cigarettes' with just about anything in the world "you know whats worse than _____? DRUGS."
[deleted] ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 17:20:20 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
What do you call a lazy baby kangaroo? A pouch potato....
So two fish are in a tank, one looks to the other and asks "hey do you know how to drive this thing?"
What do you call a deer with no eyes? no eye deer What do you call a deer with no eyes and no legs? Still have no eye deer What do you call a deer with no eyes, no legs and no genitalia? Still have no fucking eye deer
Coffeechipmunk ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 17:47:58 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
word-er? I hardly knew her!
Everyone hates it, but I love it
Nerdburton ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 17:49:11 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Whenever I buy a new router I name it "It hurts when IP"
Paffmassa ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 18:04:54 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Mines "Wi Believe I Can Fi"
seanoc0808 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 17:51:11 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
"you all right?" "No I'm half left"
PinkSatanyPanties ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 03:21:43 on August 22, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Whenever someone talks about shampoo: "None of this SHAMpoo! I use nothing but the finest REAL poo!"
handsomegiant ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 14:07:54 on August 22, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
This will probably get buried but my friends and I invented something called 'chinning'. We would sneak behind someone we know and rest our chin on their shoulder while making a kiss noise with our lips. To a person that never had that done to them before, it feels just like a kiss on the shoulder. The reactions are priceless
pepperoniplease ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 19:58:58 on August 20, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
What time is it?
Time to get a watch!
TheLoneExplorer ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 23:52:16 on August 20, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Its high noon.
[deleted] ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 20:10:46 on August 20, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I'm not _____ I'm (my name).
&
Hi (what they said after "I'm") my name is (my name). Nice to meet you!
[deleted] ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 05:13:02 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
"What time is it?"
"Time for you to get a watch."
It's my instant reply when I'm asked for the time. I told a teacher once and I got detention for "talking back".
NAbsentia ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 22:37:40 on August 20, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
When anyone ends a sentence with a negative or innuendo-y adjective, I say "...like my first wife."
"These shoes are old and stinky..."
"...like my first wife."
linux1970 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 22:54:50 on August 20, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
That's what she said!
uzonline ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:00:49 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
She smells bad but is pretty, weird combo.
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 21:05:49 on August 20, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
"I'm tired."
"Hi, tired. I'm Bullrider14"
Maur2 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 21:20:29 on August 20, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Whenever anyone asks "What's up?" I always respond "the sky."
Alizariel ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 21:33:03 on August 20, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I often reply "the sky" even if the question isn't "what's up?", but is in the same vein.
Ex: "what's happening?" "The sky"
DirectlyTalkingToYou ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 21:21:39 on August 20, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
"And Bobs your Uncle."
Shannkins ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 21:27:29 on August 20, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
What did the cheese say when he looked in the mirror?
Hello me!
kittenautopsy ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:26:09 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I don't get it
2015June ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 21:53:12 on August 20, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
"Time for you to get a watch" is a personal favorite.
clappingdog ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 21:53:20 on August 20, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Didn't your arms get tired?
drewmighty ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 22:28:02 on August 20, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
whenever someone asks what is up I always say "The ceiling." Do it so much I said it while outside. Had a good laugh at that.
LegeetSheet ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 23:34:10 on August 20, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Juggling
LookingForBearFacts ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 23:37:18 on August 20, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Whenever someone asks where something is, I say "Up your mother's butt!"
lobie81 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 23:37:50 on August 20, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Child: "Dad, I'm hungry" Me: "Hi hungry, I'm Dad"
Mastifyr ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 23:38:59 on August 20, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
What's green and has wheels
Grass, I lied about the wheels.
kELAL ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 23:39:32 on August 20, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I had unprotected phone sex once...
(I even went meta by making a fake anti-'unprotected phone sex' PSA ad and using it as my phone's lock screen)
WhereBeDragons ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:36:55 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Did you get hearing AIDS?
kELAL ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 10:44:04 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Yes, I was tested positive on the widexus clearus variant.
rekabis ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 23:40:43 on August 20, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Other person: โAnd how are you today?โ
Me: โAdequate.โ
Them: โโฆโ
Me: โAnd you say back to meโฆ?โ
Them: โ??โ
Me: โYou say, โIโd a quit by now.โโ
wtfmynamegotdeleted ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 23:44:14 on August 20, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
(Insert word that ends in er) I hardly know her.
Serithi ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 23:45:36 on August 20, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
When someone asks what's up, i point upwards.
Komrk888 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 23:46:07 on August 20, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Someone and I talking to each other about person or thing.
Other person walks in and asks "Who?"
I say "Hoo?!? Are you an owl?!
Or someone says "I'm tired" or "I'm hungry"
I say "Hi tired/hungry, I'm Komrk888"
progenyofeniac ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 23:46:41 on August 20, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
When people say anything about ears or hearing, I act like I didn't hear them, and I say "What?"
Oddly enough, seems like most people don't hear me when I make this joke. I don't get nearly as many laughs as I'd expect.
meganna3737 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 23:47:33 on August 20, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Why can't you hear a pterodactyl go to the bathroom?
Because the p is silent!
mrmarshall9o9 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 23:51:04 on August 20, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
most words that end with 'er' sound I reply with "i dont even know her" one of my favorites is "liquor!? i dont even know her"
manamanadoodoodoodoo ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 23:52:45 on August 20, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
"That's what she said"
DynamicExact ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 23:53:53 on August 20, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Q: What is the difference between red apples and green apples? A: They are both exactly the same, except one is red.
BohemianGecko ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 23:57:05 on August 20, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Two cannibals were eating a clown. One says to the other: "does this taste funny to you?"
Phalanges410 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 23:57:15 on August 20, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I dad joke to every "I'm"
Spuddink ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 23:59:46 on August 20, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
What did the eighty year old pirate say?
Aye matey!
Turtlehead32 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:03:25 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Why is Venus sometimes considered Earth's sister? Because Venus is hotter
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:07:30 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
A man walks into a bar. He says ouch.
Out_numbered_3to1 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:08:27 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Hi hungry, I'm dad
z3toedsloth ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:13:50 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Every time I introduce myself I usually get the comment "oh wow I like your name!" (Zayna)
I always reply with "thanks! I got it for my birthday!"
ook_the_bla ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:15:10 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
"A rope walked into a bar..."
Pegateen ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:15:46 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Answering questions or anything really with: "cause of safety"
ishitfirst ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:16:16 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
When some one asks what's up always respond with sky/roof/clouds, what ever is literally up above.
crazycatguy23 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:16:58 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Tipping whatever hat I'm wearing (I tend to wear flat caps and newsboys because I'm a dirty hipster) and saying "m'lady" to any girl I'm friends with. Some get it, some don't. But I crack myself up.
Foxhound199 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:17:55 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
How do you catch a unique rabbit? You 'neak up on it!
nopantsgomez ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:18:06 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
"(insert)er, I hardly know her!"
60% of the time it works every time.
idukilla ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:19:08 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Why should you enjoy being in a bowl with broth?
So you can say me so soup.
AcrobaticEmu ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:20:37 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I'll never stop using your mum.
Jiggidy40 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:21:15 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
That's what she said.
It never gets old to me.
homerunman ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:21:50 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Any time any one asks me, "Hey, how do I..." my response is "Easily."
marcodl ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:22:40 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
When someone asks what time it is I always say "It's the time to check the time"
citizenyinz ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:22:48 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
"...that's what she said."
ezbik000 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:23:43 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
As a dad:
Son: I'm hungry.
Me: Hi Hungry, I'm dad.
nliausacmmv ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:24:41 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I'll never stop using your mom.
i_make_drugs ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:24:42 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Whenever someone asks me to pass them something, I always say "Don't say I never gave you anything".
funkeemunkee89 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:25:41 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
A baby seal walked into a club...
People will usually wait for a second or two, then look at me and see that I have a donkey smile on my face ๐
4kBukakke ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:26:16 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Your Mom
HowSweetAreYou ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:29:12 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Friend: "How's it hanging?" Me: "To the left, thanks!" Or: "Near my kneecap."
pulseout ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:30:17 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
"What time is it?"
"Time for you to get a watch, loser"
-pneumaric- ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:30:59 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Does your face hurt? Cuz it's killin' me.
Ojos_Claros ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:31:37 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Why is an elephant big, round and grey?
'Cause if he were small, squared and white, he'd be a sugar cube.
CTreeman22 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:32:52 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
"Hey, have you seen ____?" "Did you check your pockets?"
Hehe. Gets me everytime
jaykirsch ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:33:03 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Borga der flerpin schnorp inga norf!
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:33:32 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I like to annoy my brother with puns and when he doesn't laugh I always ask,
"Why aren't you laughing? Is my pun not punny ?"
bingereader8621 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:37:42 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Wanna hear 2 short jokes and 1 long joke?
Joke joke joooooookee
Javerlin ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:37:50 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Did you fall from heaven? Because it looks like you landed on your face.
Eats_a_lot_of_yogurt ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:38:10 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
My girl told me to give her six inches and make it hurt, so I shoved it in twice and punched her in the face.
Mrmathmonkey ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:38:20 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I'm a dad and "that" teacher. I continuously use all lame jokes all the time when ever possible
Conflict_Free_Quinoa ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:40:02 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Guess what?
Chicken butt.
Klilley1235 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:40:05 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
A ham sandwich walks into a bar. Bartender looks at him an says, "excuse me sir. I'm sorry but we don't serve food here."
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:41:27 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
What kind of Bees make milk? Boobies.
scumbag-reddit ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:41:51 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Nice to meet you, hungry.
JDubStep ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:42:06 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
"Hey guess what?"
"Chicken butt."
TnecnivTrebor ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:42:20 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Do you know what Bruce Lee's favorite sandwich is? The woppaaaar.
His favoite drink? Waattttaaahhh
Sexy_Rhino ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:43:54 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
When people say they need to go change, (clothes) I always tell them "Don't change, we like you just the way you are!"
mistachio ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:45:31 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
What are the sexiest farm animals?
Brown chicken, brown cow!
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:46:21 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
MY EX WIFE STILL MISSES ME...
doorkn00b ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:47:58 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
How can dishwashers run if they don't have legs?
momspaghettysburg ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:48:38 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
What did the clock do when it was hungry? It went back four seconds!
EpicEpileptic ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:48:38 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
"What time is it?" "It's time for you to get a watch"
PixInsightFTW ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:48:50 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
How do you fit an elephant into a SafeWay bag?
Take the S out of safe and the F out of way...
I use it with my new classes of students every year, it always gets a nice pause and laughs.
momspaghettysburg ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:48:58 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
What do you call it when Batman skips church? Christian Bale.
momspaghettysburg ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:49:12 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
What do you get when you mix an insomniac, an agonistic, and a dyslexic? Someone who stays up all night wondering wether or not there is a dog.
aariakon ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:49:30 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
What did Barack Obama say to Michelle when he proposed?
I don't wanna be Obama self
Mogetfog ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:50:10 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
When some one wants you to hurry up, or follow them or something.
I'm coming......i am also on the way.
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:51:14 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
They call me Mr coffee Why? Cause I grind so fine
rompope ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:52:27 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Making a circle with my thumb and index finger and sucker punching anyone who is foolish enough to look at it.
22cthulu ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:53:00 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
So a termite walks into a bar, turns to the first guy he sees and asks "Hey, is the bartender here?"
It works better spoken because it's not obvious if you're saying bar tender or bartender
sexyarmadillo ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:53:17 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
That's what she said.
feeling_psily ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:53:47 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Why did the saloon owner lose his license? He was supplying alcohol to miners.
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:55:44 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
FRESH CUT!
My squad will get this.
Volraith ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:55:46 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Waitress/cashier anyone like that asks me "anything else I can get you?"
"Big bag of money?"
kpop_lvr ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:02:13 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Why is a pepper so nosy? Because it's jalapeรฑo business.
HellJumper303 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:05:07 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
When someone says "I have to run to the restroom" Me: "or you could just walk."
Or someone: "Ok, I have to jump in the shower." Me: "Be careful, if you jump you might slip."
Gig472 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:05:09 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Your mom jokes when talking to siblings.
77remix ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:06:40 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
When someone says "I'm _____" and I respond like they're introducing themselves to me
"I'm tired" Hi tired!
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:07:20 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Why did the pervert cross the road?
Because his knob was stuck in the chicken
Levra ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:07:38 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
"The sky."
In response to the ever popular "What's up?" greeting.
areallyshitusername ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:07:59 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Why did the toilet roll, roll down the hill? To get to the bottom
AvocadoSushiRoll ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:08:06 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
These are all really bad.
Rokdout ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:09:37 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
๐๐ป You looked ๐๐ป๐ฅ
neernitt ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:11:28 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I'll have mushrooms on my pizza thanks, because I'm a fun guy.
Skyemonkey ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:11:33 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
After telling people their total at the check-out, they'll hand me bills, I'll ask if they have 6 cents or whatever (to keep them from getting a crap load of change back), while they're digging I'll say, "oh, I'm sure you have plenty of cents! Ha ha!" there are people who laugh and people who look at me stupid. Either way I'm entertained.
washimus ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:12:39 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Knock knock
A little old lady
I didn't know you could yodel!
hatsnatcher23 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:12:59 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
What did Hellen Keller say during the avalanche?
Nothing, she was wearing mittens.
fifetrojans19 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:14:29 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I have a phobia of German sausage. It's the wurst!
BadAim ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:14:54 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
That's what my dad said.
Hey I'll be right back! ... That's what my dad said.
Hello2132 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:15:00 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
"Do you wanna hear a dirty joke?" "A white horse fell in the mud."
bebesoe ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:15:21 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Friends? What are those?
zachtray76 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:17:28 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Did you hear about the kidnapping?
toasted_batman ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:17:59 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I actually saw Stevie Wonder in concert, not sure if he saw me though.
01blu_gsr ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:20:33 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
What is the last thing you take off before bed?
-- your feet off the floor.
What has two horns and gives milk?
-- a milk truck.
Guy asks waiter: what's this fly doing in my soup?
Waiter: looks like the backstroke.
I can keep going. Dad here.
barfingweasel ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:21:40 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
A pirate walks into a bar, with a steering wheel attached to the front of his pants.
The bartender asks, "What's that on your pants?"
They're pirate replies, "Argh! I don't know, but it's driving me nuts!"
Hehe.
snegtul ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:22:43 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
That's what SHE said!
funmire ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:22:46 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Why did Betty Crocker get pregnant? Because the Pillsbury dough boy forgot the weiner rap.
Bakumaster ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:23:18 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I feel like I've had deja vu somewhere before...
This one only becomes funnier if you say it repeatedly- just make sure to space them out.
DrCorian ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:23:53 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
"The door's ajar, the door's ajar!"
"No its not, its a door!
Umbra_Ira ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:25:21 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Op's mom.
FancyCooters ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:27:27 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Knock knock. Who's there? I eat mop. I eat mop who?
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:27:41 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
That's what she said
redaquawater ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:29:13 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Whats the difference between a percussionist and saxophonist?
One bangs. One blows.
HD_ERR0R ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:29:35 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
My friends and I play Xbox or PC games.
Usually when they are done for the day they will say..."Alright I'm gonna get off"
I always say some variation of "after you do that are you going to turn you Xbox off"
Get off in a sexual way. It's never funny, but I say it everytime.
emilymxrie ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:30:34 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Someone else: What's that smell? Me: It's your upper lip
Crazy_Edd1e ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:31:42 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
You know what I like about deja vu jokes? They're reusable. Most jokes, if you tell them three or four times, they start to get old, but deja vu jokes just keep getting funnier and funnier! (Repeat after about five minutes, our whenever there's a lull in the conversation, or when the subject comes up, or when your wife stops wanting to strangle you)
roonerspize ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:35:05 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Every time anyone says, "I'll be right back," if have to reply with, "I'll be left front."
krispykremeguy ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:36:14 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
My favorite day of the year is the day before Cinco de Mayo. It's Star Wars Day - May the Fourth be with you!
mustardmaze ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:38:44 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Tell a lame joke then ask "You get it?" ... Followed by "How often!?"
Aarondo99 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:39:02 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
"What's the time?"
Time to get a watch.
*cue explosions in background*
fallenhope1 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:39:14 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Why did the mushroom go to the party? Because he was a fungi
loopded ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:41:00 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I used to work at an orange juice factory, but I got fired because I couldn't concentrate.
One of my grandpa's favorite jokes, and now it's one of my favorite jokes.
motherfuckingshitbal ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:41:18 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Why does Snoop always carry an umbrella?
Fo drizzle.
sjwebdev4ss ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:41:36 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
What did the lawyer say to the other lawyer? We're both lawyers
TooBadFucker ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:42:49 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Any dad joke that pops into my head. I'm not a dad; I don't even have a dog. I just love the humor.
bombilla42 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 03:46:45 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I'm a dad. Ready? Dad joke in 3, 2, 1...
What do you call a boomerang that doesn't come back? A stick.
TooBadFucker ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 14:59:50 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
What's round and growls at you? A vicious circle.
radzombiez ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:42:52 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Pointing at someone's foot and saying your shoes untied
Reinharday ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:42:54 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
"I'm really good at building suspense, so get get this................"
wankerpedia ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:42:58 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
why do seagulls fly over the sea. cuz if they flew over the bay they'd be baygulls.
Also,
A pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel down the front of his pants. The bartender asks 'Ain't that uncomfortable?' The Pirate says 'Arrrrgh its driving me nuts!'
Rampaij ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:42:59 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Someone: "What time is it?"
Me: "Time to get a watch."
I say it to our guests at Target. I love it so much.
iamdrjonah ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:43:18 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
When someone says that "there's no need to apologize", I always reply "but I'm so good at it".
30_rack_of_pabst ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:43:27 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
When im in my girlfriends way, shes say 'move!'... and then i wiggle like a worm or do a funny dance. She always eye rolls and then pushes me out of her way. She doesnt laugh and sometimea gets mad, but ill never stop.
ezaharko ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:43:35 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
That's what she said!!!
darkchill ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:43:50 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Whenever someone says 'You must be joking', it has become habit to instantly reply 'No, I'm Fred King... Joe King's my brother'.
My gf pretty much hates me now
Ursus_Maximus ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:43:55 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Why can't you get any painkillers in the jungle? Because the parrots-eat-em-all!
FilkDaddy ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:44:04 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
My Spanish teacher's kid's joke that will never not be funny;
Kid: Knock knock?
Teacher: Who's there?
K: Toilet!
T: Toilet who?
K: POOP!
backroomdt ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:45:05 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Did you know if you laid a persons veins out end to end, that person would die.
bettathanyogmacake ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:46:09 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Anytime some one says guess what?...chicken butt. My entire family does this...
TheGinger42 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:46:30 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I went to this zoo, and it only had one animal. It was a shitzu.
sdcab86 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:46:34 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
What's do you get when combine a helicopter, an elephant and a rhino?
Heliphino! (pronounced Hell if I know?)
0kazak1 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:47:05 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I could never be a GI doc, cause every day is a crappy day.
Mortis_XII ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:47:48 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
"That's what she said" everywhere when applicable
WheresTheWombo ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:48:27 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
ByuntaeKid ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:50:09 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
The game
f0rmic671 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:50:13 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Every single time someone asks me what time it is, I always respond by looking at my wrist, looking back at them, and saying "Time to get a watch!" Everyone hates it and that's why I love it
PMmeYourHopes-Dreams ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:50:16 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
My dick.
DarthVadersDad94 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:51:24 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
When I walk my puppy and people run up
omgg he's so cute!!
Me: thanks !:) and how do you like my dog?
Joeclu ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:52:28 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Driving by a graveyard or cemetery ... "People are dying to get in there!"
ringo24601 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:52:33 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Whenever my boyfriend says 'fuck you' I will reply with some variation of 'ok, what position?' or 'you just did'. For some reason he doesn't think I'm funny.
TehChid ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:53:30 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
What is the difference between roast beef and pea soup?
You can roast beef, but you can't pee soup.
Seriously the only joke I can think of when someone asks for a joke
backbaybilly ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:53:47 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
If Mama Cass had shared that ham sandwich with Karen Carpenter, they might both still be alive.
WehrWulf ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:54:33 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
The story of the "one armed fisherman." You basically fabricate an epic fishing story and at the end you say "he caught a fish this big." Then put one arm behind your back and put the other out like you are showing the size of something.
haleykrunk ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:54:57 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
What did the blanket say when it fell off the bed? Oh sheet!
icopywhatiwant ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:56:58 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
When the temperature is close to 98 degrees, I always say "It's just a few degrees away from a boy band in here."
FIRExNECK ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:57:03 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
"Do you have a weather report for today?"
"100% chance of weather today."
kittyburritto ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:57:22 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
as we pass a graveyard "people are just dying to get in there!"
BigSnackintosh ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:59:15 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I love winding my girlfriend up, and whenever she says, "Fuck you," I respond, "Right now?" It cracks me up every time.
r_elwood ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:01:52 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
bear with me.
ok ... RAAAARRR
ItsGoingSwimmingly ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:02:31 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Knock knock
Who's there?
To
To who?
indignantly actually it's to whom
2giantleap5mankind ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:03:52 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Insulting my friends by adding "head ass" after literally any noun. It began in highschool and three years later we still use it.
kushtherogue ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:04:21 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I ask a friend or coworker, "How are you today?" or , "How's it goin'". When they answer with something generic or lame like, "Pretty good" or, "Not bad", I slide in a quick, "Bullshit" and an overly suspicious or 'very not interested' look (depending on the person and answer), before they can reciprocate with a, "How about you?". Gets 'em everytime
TheCompEngineer ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:05:06 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
When I get a haircut I ask my roommate to shave my head. When he starts I always laugh and say wrong head.
ImperialismHo ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:05:17 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I usually add a bit of a story to this but the overall joke is:
"Did you hear about the mime that was arrested in Columbus? Yeah, according to the news, he did some unspeakable acts."
neonxmoose99 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:06:58 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Somebody says "oh shit". I say "wassup"
CentrifugalChicken ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:07:17 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Little Johnnie's teacher asked him how his weekend was.
"Horrible, a car hit my dog in the ass," he said.
The teacher corrected, "Johnnie, we say 'rectum.'"
Little Johnnie replied "Rectum? Damn near killed him!"
JuicyTigerShark ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:07:23 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I really hate German sausages. They're the wurst.
PM_me_Whatevvs ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:09:39 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
A horse walks into a bar. The bartender says, "Why the long face?"
Jonnasgirl ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:10:00 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
As I wheel my patient back to their recovery area after their cardiac cath, doped up and unable to move too much, I sometimes say to the family, "Hey, I found this guy/lady trying to run out the back door, does he/she belong to you?" They usually chuckle, because they're happy to see their loved one safe and sound, and my lame-ass joke relieves some tension. We also ask them, as we shave their groins pre-op, "Do you want a heart shape, or just your initials?" Of course, we don't joke that way with everyone, you have to follow the patient/family's lead, so just the folks who are already making their own silly jokes to alleviate their nerves :-)
TehArkhamKniggit ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:12:02 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Deez Nuts
Scone_Zone ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:12:09 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Everyone used to laugh when I said I wanted to be a comedian, but they're not laughing now!
uniqueperson22 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:12:15 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Whenever anyone says anything about brakes (on a car, bike, whatever) not quite working properly or needing to be inspected, I say "well, you know, brakes just slow you down, man."
King_Husband ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:12:23 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
What's the last thing that goes through a fly's mind when it hits a windshield?...
...Its butt
drewshbag_ ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:12:23 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
How do you find Ronald McDonald at a nude beach?
By the sesame seeds on his buns! ๐
DankKiller_Pat ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:12:35 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
My friend uses his classic, hey guess what? Your fat! Always seems to get me too.
Raiz3R ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:12:36 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Liberace was great on the piano, to bad he sucked on the organ.
brainmcghee ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:12:41 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Whenever people find out I just eat fish, they always ask "Oh, you're a pescatarian?" To which I respond by saying, "No, I'm a Presbyterian."
Not_Kenny_Rogers_ ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:14:39 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Two muffins in an oven..
One goes, "sheesh, It's hot in here."
The other one says, "HOLY SHIT! YOU'RE A TALKING MUFFIN!"
Komlz ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:15:50 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Whenever someone cuts me off or starts talking to someone else I like to whisper "OK maybe later" as a joke. My friends stopped laughing at this joke a long time ago.
Baysed ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:16:10 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
How do you get pikachu on a bus?
"Poke" mon.
greyconscience ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:16:10 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
You know what's better than a rose on my piano? Two lips on my organ.
WhiskeyOnASunday93 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:17:02 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
"Hey WhiskeyOnASunday93 you got a haircut!"
"Actually I got a lot of hairs cut"
slymanbri ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:18:02 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
What is a pirates favorite letter?
R??
Nah, you think it be r but actually is da c.
manda86oh5 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:20:08 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
not necessarily a joke but when I am hanging out with someone or a group of people and we are about to disperse I always say "lets make like newborns and head out". The first time I say it to someone new it gets a laugh... but after that people just role their eyes.
ButtsinTN ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:20:22 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Almost every time I cook I grab a pair of tongs, bend over and ask ' hey, hey....is my tong showing." Pretty sure I got my ex of five years with that one.
greyconscience ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:20:23 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I'll never date a black woman... Or Asian... Or a teenager.
Fuck off. I'm married. My wife would be pissed and probably divorce me and take the kids.
BearonVonMu ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:20:58 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I respond to people's "fuck you"s with "later" or, more rarely, "no thanks".
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:22:13 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
My name is Jesse. When someone calls on me by saying "Jesse?" I almost always reply "Yessie?". It usually gets a chuckle.
nontechnicalbowler ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:22:42 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
A horse walks into a bar. Bartender says "why the long face?"
EncanisUnbound ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:22:49 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Random person: "it's really hot in here."
Me: "Oh sorry, I can leave if you want."
topkat13457 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:23:06 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Don't call me Shirley. Airplane references never get old.
ethwn2 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:25:13 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
"Roses are red, violets are blue. I'm schizophrenic, and so am I"
ThisIsFlight ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:25:21 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Whats a bird's favorite letter?
J.
GyanTheInfallible ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:26:33 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
When a friend says, "Oh, my god," or "Jesus..." I always respond with a beautiful "You rang?"
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:26:54 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Two oranges are sat at the bar. One turns to the other and says "You're round".
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:27:03 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Using "urine" instead of "you're in". You say "you're in" a lot more often than you'd think you would
KellyTheET ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:28:24 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Orange you glad something orange did something?
Kingjedi76 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:29:11 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
When someone says "I'm getting my haircut". I say why dont you get them ALL cut.
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:29:25 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
deez nuts
TeaBerries ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:31:04 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I lived in Alaska for a while. Before all this discovery channel, Sarah Palin, survivalist, deadliest catch, ice road truckers blah blah blah stuff was going on, Alaska had a strict reputation for being a frozen dog sledding wasteland that was apparently dark half the year, and was populated with like 30 men for every 1 woman (men DO far outweigh women, but not by that much). So something I would hear especially from the older men was, "Hey, are there still women in Alaska??" and my reply was always, "Not anymore... I left." urrrrhurhurhur. dumb, but somehow hilarious in my mind.
texastoasty ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:32:17 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
deez nutz
FBIDIRECTOR ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:32:41 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
"Hey guess how many people are dead in that graveyard"
grunts in annoyance followed by long pause "how many?"
"All of them"
Slightly_Feral ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:32:53 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
The weather is as hot as my mixtape
potsieharris ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:34:17 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
when two people share a chair, like if there are too few chairs or its a loveseat or something
i can never help but say HEY, I LIKE HOW YOU GUYS CHAIR CUSTODY!!!
i don't care if they laugh or not, i love my joke
MrMassage ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:36:26 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
"Hey did I leave my henway at your place last night. I can't find it"
"What's a henway"
"About two to three pounds"
Traincakes ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:36:53 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I can't make Holocaust jokes, Anne Frankly, they're far outside Mein Kampfort zone.
antimatteroffact ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:36:58 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Well, I think I'm gonna split...on second thought, maybe I'll just leave.
WhoReadsThisAnyway ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:37:03 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Why didn't the lifeguard save the hippie?
Cuz he was too far out maaaan
Silosolo ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:37:46 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Are you Jamaican Cuz your Jamaican me crazy
Nature17-NatureVerse ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:37:49 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Any New Years Jokes
Walk out of the room, during the countdown. Walk back in, "Hey! I haven't seen you all year."
Also, being a skinny guy, my new year's resolution is always "lose weight" to tease everyone.
There is always that person who is like "Oh, I don't have resolutions, because only 2% of resolutions actually succeed." Then I would have the resolution of "Survive the new year or the year" and "succeed at a resolution," just to be apart of the 2%
sonofodin25 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:37:51 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Them: "What's Up?"
Me: "The Roof"
GlassDeviant ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:42:36 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
or..."the sky".
Uberhypnotoad ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:38:23 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Three guys walking down the street see what appears to be dog poop. The first guy leans in, "Sure looks like dog poop." Second guys leans in closer, "Sure smells like dog poop." Third guys picks it up and squishes in through his fingers, "Sure feels like dog poop,.. gee, good thing we didn't step in it!"
Uberhypnotoad ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:39:07 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Two flies eating a turd. One of them farts and the other says, "buddy, you're disgusting."
jimmybero ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:40:50 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
"Is that shirt felt?" [feel shirt] "It is now!"
potsieharris ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:42:07 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
why did the scarecrow get a promotion?
because he was out standing in his field.
DeadbeatMermaid ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:42:29 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Replying 'Not with that attitude.' whenever someone points out that something won't work/ever happen.
MalcontentClown ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:43:42 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
What's up? Chickenbutt
bombilla42 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:30:25 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
It's "Guess what?" "Chicken butt."
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:43:51 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
When someone is trying to make things make a screw-up seem better, I usually ask them, "Do you know what that white stuff is around bird shit?"
"No"
"That's bird shit too."
TillikumWasFramed ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:46:31 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Other person: What time is it? Me: That depends on your velocity.
A surprising number of people actually get this.
SaltySeilde ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:48:37 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I work at a coffee shop. I refuse to stop saying "thanks a latte".
whimsicaldalliance ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:52:17 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Where did Napoleon keep his armies? In his sleevies! (Sorry not sorry)
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:52:26 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I recently had my gallbladder removed. Whenever people ask me how I'm doing I always say "I would say I'm back to 100% but I guess I can only get up to around 98% now."
Bluegrassqueen ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:52:47 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
What does Snoop Dogg use to wash his laundry?
Bleeeeeeeotch!
doingthehumptydance ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:52:57 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I got a lifetime ban for peeing in my neighbourhood swimming pool. I said to the life guard "but all the little kids do it!" Life guards reply "yeah but not off the diving board!"
zedsdeadbby ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:53:22 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I don't ever get a chance to use it but the Chinese food joke from Wayne's World. "I'll have the cream of sum yung guy."
Enigmagico ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:12:37 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
That's super riceist, man.
Sweetcaffiene ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:55:35 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Canada is a cold country, but our hearts are warm-, I say that to all the Japanese people who ask me if Canada is cold. They love the response
References_Southpark ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:56:08 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
So, a while back, I came up with this joke, which went something like this:
(For those who don't get it, it's supposed to sound like 'fish dicks.') It was the god damn funniest joke I had ever concocted - it's a shame that fatass Eric took the credit for it.
LordHotPie ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:56:16 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Bunp
An_Innocent_Bunny ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:56:22 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I told this joke to my friends everyday for months: "What do you call an alligator in a vest? An investigator." It's silly and groan-inducing, but I like it.
T3C_Illuzion ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:56:42 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I had a part time job as a lumberjack, but I was a hack so they axed me.
Then I got a job at the orange juice factory, but since I couldn't concentrate I got canned.
My last job was putting mufflers on cars, but it was exhausting.
beattheodds ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:57:07 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
"Hey!"
"Hay is for horses!"
Dogtag009 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:57:16 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
When someone says" oh hi haven't seen you in ages" my reply is always"yeah it's been good hasn't it"
countach79 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:59:03 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Have you ever heard of the Greek warrior Bophades? He was similar to Achilles, who had one weak spot. Like Achilles' heel, have you ever heard of Bophades nuts?
byfuryattheheart ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:59:59 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
My wife uses this one a lot.
Wanna hear two short jokes and a long joke? Joke, joke, joooooooooke.
Six_days_au ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:01:30 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Bike shop owner here. When kids come into the shop wanting new brakes, or complaining their brakes don't work very well...
"Brakes? Pfft. They just slow you down"
Cracks my wife up. Every. Single. Time.
aciara ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:01:35 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Two pretzels were walking down the street. One was assaulted.
lemonchickentellya ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:02:12 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
When drinking with friends "ever been to India? Well get it India!"
endymion32 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:02:49 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I have a friend who's always late. This has gone on for decades.
For the last couple years, when I meet up with her, usually I'm a minute late or so, and she's 5-10 minutes late, or more. When she finally arrives, I approach her, very serious and contrite, and say: "Listen, I'm really really sorry... but I was a minute late today. I'm going to try so much harder in the future to be on time. It's only fair to you."
It annoys her a lot. In a fun way, I think.
Nosoku ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:04:54 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
What's brown and sticky?
.....A stick!
SirAlexH ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:05:27 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Person: I'm X
Me: Hi X, I'm Alex!
Classic.
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:05:47 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
My boyfriend is Sikh and a doctor. When he texts me and says he's at the hospital, I like to ask "Are you sick? Or Sikh?" And he replies "Both!" So lame, I try not to overuse it but it's too easy.
_JustChris_ ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:06:22 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
"That's what she said"
Bodrew ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:07:20 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
"Cool beans"
There's something about refrigerated beans that will always be the most gnarly thing in my existence.
Je7pax ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:07:26 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Why couldn't the lifeguard save the hippy?
Because he was too far out, man.
ilre1484 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:07:35 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Hi hungry, im dad! or Well when i was your age i was 7! (speaking to my 6 year old nephew)
its the lamest of the lame.
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:08:18 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
How many tickles does it take to make an octopus laugh?
TEN TICKLES!
BabyFossaMerchant ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:09:45 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Whenever someone compliments my clothing, I say, "Thanks, I stole it from a donation bin." Sometimes people think I'm serious and think I'm horrible, but I can't stop saying it.
Donald_Drumpff ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:10:33 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I like camping, but only if it's intense.
joeysnelson ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:10:50 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
What did one ball say to the other ball?.... Watch out for the guy in the middle, he's a real dick.
aLtErNaTeCaSeS ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:11:06 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
You see that cemetery over there? People are just dying to get in there.
bboymixer ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:11:22 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
"Did you get a haircut?"
"No, I got all of them cut."
sliceofwhy ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:11:32 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
How did the hipster burn his tongue? He drank coffee before it was cool
stoplok1 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:14:15 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
"oh you have a boyfriend? dont worry Im not the jealous type."
pkyoshi64 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:14:20 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I don't know, what I do know is I want some updog right now
bbearchell ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:14:37 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Liquor? I hardly know her.
RadleyCunningham ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:14:42 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
what do Russian women get on their wedding night that's long and hard?
A new last name.
ragetrain27 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:14:50 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Whenever someone asks if I want a plastic bag at a store and the answer is no, I always say "No way, save the plastic trees!"
Sadly I'm the only one who gets that much amusement out of it.
FUHGETTABOUTIT_1 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:15:36 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Yell "A"! really loud until I get someones attention, then say "A, B, C, D..," pretending that I was just practicing the ABCs (#DadJokes :( )
UraniumWrangler ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:15:36 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
What's the difference between and old bus stop and a lobster who needs a bra?
One's a crusty bus station and the other's a busty crustacean
ztc0611 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:16:08 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
My friend has a 3-4 year old brother named Zach, which is also my name. When he tells him to do something like go to bed, I say "no".
USxMARINE ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:16:29 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Deez nuts, I've been saying it since the 90's and I'll say it on my death bed.
I'm that guy.
Lobanium ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:16:53 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
"Did you get a haircut?"
"No, I got them all cut."
TheVillain117 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:17:07 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Them: "I'm (adjective)."
Me: "Hi (adjective), I'm TheVillain117.
kasteen ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:17:57 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
How do you spell [courage]?
C-A-R-E-F-U-L-L-Y.
mfletcher1006 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:18:20 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
"I am sick and tired of these gay jokes! butt fuck it, here's another one"
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:18:30 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Trump build that wall until it's election
JJupiter8 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:21:06 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Anytime someone makes the -er or -or sound at the end of a word (I.e liquor) I feel obligated to say liquor? Hardly know her!
bingletons ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:21:31 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Every time the phone rings I say "Come in!" loudly. My wife hates it but the more I do it the funnier it gets.
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:21:40 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Anytime my hubby asks me what's for dinner I say food.
Also anytime you ask my hubby what he's up to he says about 5'8".
sirbroderic ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:22:41 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
"What's up?"
"Opposite of down!"
Glory2Hypnotoad ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:23:41 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Parsing adjective-ass-noun constructions wrong will never stop being funny for me.
allezrafa ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:24:34 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Whenever anyone asks me the time I hit them with the "Time for you to get a watch". I have a problem.
Therealdyl12 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:24:54 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Why doesn't chicken wear underwear?
Because his peckers on his head.
My grandpa tells me this joke every time I visit him.
edwartica ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:25:56 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
"People are just dying to get into there" while passing a cemetary. Part of it is in memorial to a deceased family friend who was fond of corny jokes and puns and ALWAYS said that when passing a cemetary.
Fun fact....on the way to his funeral we passed a cemetary, and yes. I heard his voice saying.....I died to get into there.
Garryo1968 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:26:03 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Where do cantaloupe go for summer?
John Cougar Mellencamp
UnbrokenFive ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:26:25 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Iโm Rick Harrison and this is my pawn shop. I work here with my old man and my son, Big Hoss, and in 23 years Iโve learned one thing. You never know what is gonna come through that door.
CaseOfInsanity ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:26:48 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Always trust a man who likes big butts, cause he cannot lie.
phackupayme ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:27:49 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Whats the best type of computer to make music on?
A Dell.
Get it? ADELE?!!
HAHHHAHAHAHAHHAAH
kimberlilly ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:28:21 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Boyfriend: "babe, can you make me a sandwich?"
Me: "abracadabra, you're a sandwich."
defiantleek ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:28:43 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Anyone : I'm going to run to xyz need anything?
Me: Why are you going to run there when you have your car?
I love it even more when they say they are going to either "run in to town real quick" or to "get gas" as I can then ask why they are getting gas without their car, or why they aren't taking their car if time is of the essence.
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:28:55 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Girlfriend: I'm hungry Me: Hi hungry im kiteeatingtree62 nice to meet you.
Oh man i laugh every time.
HauckPark ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:29:06 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Whenever something's missing:
What did the potato say to the beet?
It'll turnip.
yungmoneymiguel ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:29:13 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
"LIQUOR?! I don't even know her!"
tittoast ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:29:51 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
whenever ANYONE says "im aware" i say "im aware im a wolf". I have been doing this for three years.
ColonalQball ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:29:58 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Someone says "What's Up?"
I say "The sky"
Haywood_Jafukmi ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:30:08 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
What do you get when you put human DNA in a goat?
From personal experience, kicked out out the petting zoo.
Darlinglizz ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:30:23 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
What's Mario's favorite brand of receiver.... Denon denon denon
Slovien ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:30:42 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I am a math teacher and whenever a student tells me they're cold I tell them to stand in the corner. When they look at me with a lost look on their face I tell them its because the corner is 90 degrees.
ezzerby ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:30:44 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Have you ever seen Japan And New Zealand in the same room?
79Blazer4x4 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:30:56 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Every pun I ever think of.
jeff15209 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:31:59 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
That's what she said
unanymousholdeng ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:32:13 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Whenever someone starts a question with the word How, even if they're not directing it towards me, I answer with 'easily'. I don't know why but it always cracks me up and I've been doing it since high school so it's kinda a force of habit at this point.
brownbrownallbrown ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:32:26 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Anytime on a long road trip that we pass hay bales on the side of the road I yell "woah HAY!" And point. Gets the attention of everyone in the car and they don't know what all the fuss is about until they see the hay. They hayte me.
_TheSlider_ ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:32:57 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Where do you tell a black Jew to go? To the back of the oven
codeine-cuisine ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:32:57 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Ever hear about the lady who shaved her legs and wrecked em?
Lailu ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:34:06 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Them: "hey, what's up?" Me:"a 2 letter word describing a direction..." Them:"..."
DankSinatra420 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:35:35 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
What do you call a fake Italian?
An Impasta
ClannyRob ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:36:26 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
What do you call a fish with no eyes?
A fshhh
Darlinglizz ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:36:33 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Someone comes up and starts a conversation with so.. I immediately say a needle pulling thread... Or someone says hey and I say hey is for horses
ABoyWithApples ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:36:46 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Money is expensive.
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:37:57 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Mine's more like a series of interconnected lame jokes about wonton.
For those wondering what a wonton is... https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Wonton#/media/File%3AWonton_1.JPG
Q1) What's the heaviest food in the world? A1) A wonton.
Q2) Who's the heaviest person in the world? A2) The person who ate the wonton.
Q3) Who's the strongest person in the world? A3) The one who made the wonton.
fenderscratch ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:38:36 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
What'ch got under there?
Under where?
Ha ha.
bigalsplaypen ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:38:43 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
The Army recently changed its policy on rolling sleeves. I have taken it as my solemn duty to make a joke about "my guns" at every opportunity.
"Specialist, I need you to go the office and drop off some papers."
"Sergeant, do think security will let me through with THESE GUNS!?"
or
"Do you have any weapons on you?"
"Only THESE GUNS, Sergeant!"
or even
"Specialist, I'm putting you on the rotation for training on the other side of the country."
"I don't think that will work out well, sir."
"Why not?"
"Because you can't take GUNS on a plane, sir!"
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:39:03 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Your mom.
Got_wake ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:40:45 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
"What's the difference between a dirty bus station and a lobster with breast implants? Ones a crusty bus-station and the other is a bust crustacean!"
Willasrulz10 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:40:50 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
"Surely you can't do that?"
"I can, and don't call me Shirley."
Narktapus ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:41:48 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
"That doesn't make any sense." "It doesn't make any dollars either."
zmoney12 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:42:06 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
"You see the new pirate movie yet?"
"It's rated ARRRRRGH"
QuaggaSwagger ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:43:03 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
(See sign at side of road)
'WATCH FOR CHILDREN'
Me: 'Seems like a fair trade'
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:43:07 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
What's round about the edges and high in the middle? O-HI-O!
hopeybear1207 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:43:12 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Why do seagulls live by the sea?
'Cause if they lived by the bay, they'd be bagels
Rahmaniac1 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:43:29 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Eric got a cut and he Bledsoe much
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:44:01 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
"what's up?" "the sky" i had a phase where i would answer "the sky" to literally everything. oh my poor friends
B_U_F_U ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:44:54 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Did you know the word 'gullible' is not in the dictionary?
AizenShisuke ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:45:11 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Whenever someone uses an adjective to describe something, I respond with the same word in insult form. Followed by shut up.
"Damn this is fuckin' lit."
"You're fuckin' lit, shut up."
Chobitpersocom ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:45:35 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
It's a good thing my mother didn't name me Grace because I'd never be able to live up to it.
i_am_tumbleweed ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:45:47 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
You don't need a parachute to go skydiving, but you need a parachute to go skydiving twice!
bromanceisdead ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:46:26 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
"I love your beard!" "Thanks! I grew it myself"
CeciNestEpiphany ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:47:06 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
So, these two penguins are talking a shower. One penguin turns to the other and says "hey, do you want a spoon?" The other penguin says "no thanks, I don't have a toaster "
It's not funny, there is no punchline, but I absolutely lose my shit every time I try to tell it.
rock4854 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:47:45 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I'm gonna give you all night to knock it off some more!
TheOneWhoSnipes ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:48:14 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
What do you call a Mexican with a rubber toe?
Roberto.
Assy_McGee666 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:49:03 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
My excuse is i have an eleven year old daughter.
Knock knock
Who's there?
Orange
Orange who?
Orange you glad i didn't say banana.
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:49:31 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
What's the dumbest animal in the jungle? A polar bear.
Why do you never see elephants hiding in trees? Because they're really good at it.
american_born_indian ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:51:08 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
"I'm hungry"
"I'm Poland"
ghostpoopftw ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:51:47 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I have a Spacex T-shirt I like to wear that just says "Spacex" on the front. Whenever people ask about it or bring attention to it I always say, "yeah, she used to be my Space wife.." Nobody has gotten it without explaining yet.
TheModfather ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:53:18 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
My dick may be small, but at least it's skinny.
Thermond42 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:54:47 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
What did the farmer say when he lost his tractor?
Where's my tractor?
sauerpatchkid ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:55:09 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
My Dad's Whinnie the Shit joke. He was Mormon. I love hearing Mormons swear. I miss him and his dirty jokes. :(
angrytortoises ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:55:25 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Boyf: "fuck its hot." Me: "thanks."
ExtraSmooth ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:55:37 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
When people at college ask me "do you think you're going to do a minor?"
"Of course not, that would be illegal!"
Gorge2012 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:57:12 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Server/cashier/bartender: Can I see your ID?
Me: Sure! You take high school IDs right?
I'm in my 30s.
Dcm210 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:57:35 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
What does Dale Earnhardt have in common with Pink Floyd? His biggest hit was the wall.
whyyes-yesiam ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:57:41 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Two peanuts were walking through the woods, one was a-salted. It really works best when spoken aloud....
quietseditionist ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:58:15 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
What do you call a cow with no legs?
Ground beef.
LadybugElizabeth ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:58:46 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Anyone: Mark my words-
Me; interrupting: My name isn't Mark.
friendsomewhere ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:58:49 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Lemme lay a stick of sandalwood incense on ya, made it outta my old sandals!
Blatantly stolen from the Firesign Theatre. It makes me laugh to myself every time.
fibesman1 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:59:17 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
When I die, I want a chair at the end of my casket, for rigor mortis to sat in.
bushybearmuffinman ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 04:00:17 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
What do you get when you cross an elephant and a rhino?
Elephino
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 04:00:35 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
What did the lawyer say to the other lawyer? We're both lawyers.
ExRegeOberonis ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 04:00:48 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Johnny bought 23 apples, then ate 17. That's not normal. But on Math it is. Math. Not even once.
Hannahbellector3388 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 04:03:42 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
why don't little girls fart? .... They don't get an asshole until they're married
usualsuspektt ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 04:05:04 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Why do seagulls fly over the sea?
Because if they flew over the bay, they'd be bagels.
Hellguin ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 04:07:08 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
How many people are dead in the cemetary?
All of them
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 04:09:19 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
That's what she said
chefdev ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 04:09:38 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
There are two and I know everyone hates them already.
1) what time is it? Time to get a watch
2) how old are you? Old enough
WrksOnMyMachine ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 04:09:42 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
That was my knick name in high school
BuckoBean29 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 04:09:50 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
How do you stop a rhino from charging? You take a way it's credit card.
5corn ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 04:10:19 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Saved
SOS_MY_SOLEUS ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 04:12:13 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
"Hey man, what happened? Why is your arm in a sling?" "Oh, I dislocated my shoulder..." "Damn, I hope you find it!"
ItsHowWellYouMowFast ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 04:12:36 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Guaranteed way to annoy your wife:
When a cashier asks if you want a bag for your milk, look her dead in the eye and tell her to please keep it in the jug.
There will be groans, and it will be glorious.
Lastrastuff ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 04:12:57 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I just had surgery to remove an ingrown toenail on either side of my toe, so needless to say walking hurts. My go to joke is that I need a toe truck.
MattProducer ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 04:13:09 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
2 muffins are in an oven. One looks at the other and says "is it me, or is it hot in here?" The other one looks at him and yells "Holy shit! A talking muffin!"
dpower11 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 04:13:11 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
As a Canadian if someone says "Take 'er easy." I usually reply with "If she's easy take her twice."
ActualSkeleton ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 04:13:27 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
"That's fucking sweet"
Me: "No it's more savory"
I didn't ask to have this curse
naut ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 04:13:43 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Did you hear they took a few words out of the dictionary? Yeah one of them was gullible.
Vahn128 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 04:14:20 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Whenever I'm belaying my climbing partner and he falls off the wall I shout up to him: "Hey, at least now you know you're tied in!"
thewhat23 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 04:14:53 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
When someone tells me I smell nice? I always reply "I showered today"
allyoursmurf ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 04:17:03 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Referring to a certain chain store for bedding, bath, kitchen, and other housewares as...
Blood-bath and Beyond
Madeahugemistakehere ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 04:18:55 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Rectum? Damn near killed ' em.
Betatomic ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 04:19:14 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
What is green and has wheels?
Grass, I lied about the wheels.
LazsloTheUnamed ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 04:19:41 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
A dyslexic walks into a bra.
DaftOnecommaThe ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 04:21:17 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
My wife says "it's mule pussy" meaning it's up to you. It's not a joke perse but I always hear it wrong.
mimbailey ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 04:21:59 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
"I'll be Bach" "And I'll Bee-thoven"
Verpous ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 04:22:35 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Whenever I'm at a restaurant with my family, my mom asks if she can leave a tip through her credit card. If the answer is yes, she says how much to charge her for everything. So, say a meal cost $40, she'd ask something like "can I leave a tip using credit?" (translated to English) and if the answer is yes, she says "Ok, then $45." To which I respond "Wow, that's a big tip!"
Shitty joke past the first time, but it makes me chuckle.
mechanicalbirds12 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 04:22:54 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
What do you call an alligator wearing a vest?
An Investigator!!
Lamest joke I know, and my favorite by far
iamcgn ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 04:25:28 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Turning "fuckin" into "fuck and."
Someone: "lets just fuckin go eat already" Me: "you want to fuck and go eat??"
FlashJX ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 04:25:28 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I found this joke on an old joke website and still find myself using it:
"Why was the dinosaur sleeping?"
"Because he was extinct?"
"No, because he was tired! Don't be so morbid."
Shocksrage ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 04:25:47 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
What's Beethoven's favorite fruit?
BA-NA-NA-NAAAAAA
xxamedaeusxx ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 04:26:11 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
"What time is it?"
"Time for you to get a watch."
xXNinjaMonkeyXx ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 04:26:14 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
If one of my friends in my circle is talking about someone, one of us will always go ,"Who?" And then, they will try to repeat their name, and get interrupted by when we say, "Cares!"
Hahahaha... we think it's funny, anyway.
RadicalRexroth ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 04:27:12 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
"What time is it?" "Time to get a watch."
SergeantHiro ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 04:28:23 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
When a counter person asks for "cheque, savings or credit?" I say "savings, more like spendings."
Now, I work behind a counter myself and I hate this joke to pieces. So immediately after, I put on a stupid voice and say "har har har, I'm a customer, look how funny and original I am."
The follow up joke usually gets a decent laugh out of them.
rex10naruto ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 04:32:54 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I using one joke line called as fuck u bitch.
_LulzCakee_ ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 04:33:33 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I like making "I'll blank your blank" jokes.
Them: Pass me the baseballs please.
Me: I'll base your balls.
Them: You can't cross that railroad.
Me: I'll rail your road.
Tupnado21 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 04:34:12 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Do you smell updogg?
trent599 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 04:35:39 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
What do you call a pessimistic seabord? A pelican't.
PeerlessAnaconda ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 04:35:43 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
break a leg and may it hurt.
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 04:36:01 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
/u/amandapndba
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:13:22 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Deez nuts. It's the gift that keeps giving
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:38:42 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I should have seen that one coming
BigIdeas1982 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 04:36:36 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Why are the melons planning a big wedding? Because they cantaloupe.
chronographer ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 04:36:54 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
What's orange, lives underground and isn't a carrot?
...
I lied it is a carrot!
Duo34 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 04:37:12 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
If anyone offers me anything that I don't want (Another piece of cake, a chicken wing, a seat, etc.) I will respond with "No thanks, I gotta drive" Regardless of if I plan on driving or not.
Mademma12 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 04:37:15 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
What's the difference between acne and a catholic priest? Acne doesn't come on a boys face until he's at least 12 years old.
cdhernandez ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 04:37:36 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
That's what she said. Or fart noises behind someone.
DevilsAdvocate532 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 04:38:08 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Every time I'm at a red light, and it turns green, and I don't notice, my gf usually says "It's Green"
I'll always respond "I dunno, a frog?"
I get it, it's a stupid joke but it makes me chuckle every time
Lookatmeseeks216 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 04:38:14 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
What is Mario's favorite type of pants? Denim denim denim
puffthemagicdragoon ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 04:38:56 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
He likes his coffee like his men black too bad
HowToGod ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 04:38:57 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Makes so much sense there's dollars
HoodedGryphon ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 04:38:59 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Two guys are rowing a boat in a desert. One says to the other, "Where's your paddle".
To which the other replies, "sure does!"
It works better verbally, and I always tell it in an obnoxious drawl.
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 04:39:18 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I had a wank over my ex-girlfriend the other night.
I know it's wrong, but she's a heavy sleeper and I still have her apartment key.
the_nidificator ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 04:40:44 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Why do seagulls fly over the sea?
Because if they flew over the bay, they'd be bagels!
TheKnightOfCydonia ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 04:41:21 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Whenever anyone asks what time it is, my girlfriend, without missing a beat, yells "SUMMER TIME. IT'S OUR VACATION." I didn't get it the first time but it's from High School Musical 2, and now I know more of that song than I ever wanted to. It's gone on for five years.
kaenneth ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 04:42:05 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I tried to buy perfume from a vending machine, but it was out of odor.
RavennPrince ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 04:42:24 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Literally everytime my credit card goes through, I say "I guess they haven't figured out that I can't pay them back yet". Haven't got a positive reaction yet and not a chance that I'm gonna stop.
XdaPrime ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 04:42:33 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I was gonna tell a gay joke, but fuck it.
chrismilson ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 04:43:02 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
This pub reminds me of my first girlfriend. Liquor in the front, poker in the back.
DrakeAU ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 04:43:26 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
On a hot day when people say "you look hot" and I always say, "Thank you I've been working out".
Greyweave ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 04:44:01 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
(Mainly for UK Redditors)
Why should you never wear Ukranian underpants??
Because Chernobyl fallout.
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 04:45:18 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
What's up? The sky
Anzzu ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 04:47:11 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
"That's what she said."
madslayer2 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 04:48:18 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
What did one lawyer say to the other? We're both lawyers! But one of them is lying
NecroNarwhal ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 04:49:49 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Customer: There's no price tag so it must be free
Me: No, tat just means it's priceless.
TheDinosaurHipster ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 04:50:19 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
My last name is Lame. Literally. Yes i make the jokes.
war_coffee ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 04:50:52 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
My father-in-law will never stop saying to a waiter, who has just asked to see someone else's ID, "Don't worry, it's him."
tiernan330 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 04:51:15 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Did you hear about up-dog? Everyone is doing it
squintina ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 04:51:17 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Guess what? Chicken butt.
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 04:53:58 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Using my girlfriend's oven glove as a puppet, Rodriguez the pervy Mexican.
Quirky_Word ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 04:54:26 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
When I was in the seventh grade, my teacher told this really long and terrible joke about two guys lost in the woods. They eventually run through their supplies except one last piece of meat, but they have nothing to cut it with. They agree that the fair way to split it was for each to hold an end in their teeth and pull, and whatever they got, they got. The entire dialog of the joke is in a very affected accent, though I can't remember which one. So they put the meat in their mouths, and one asks (while pretending to be holding something in teeth), "are ya reeady??" And the other responds, "yah!!!"
Terrible joke that has never left my head and forced me to respond always to the question with an oddly accented emphasized "Yah!!" but never want to explain why.
frodolives7 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 04:54:40 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Do you want to hear a joke about pizza? Never mind its too cheesy.
rundmcarlson ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 04:55:01 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Every time I am with my dad, if someone says "how cool is that" or any variant of how something is something, he always says, "Idk, what are my choices?". I don't think he will ever stop.
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 04:55:07 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
When my daughter says "I'm hungry" I always reply with "nice to meet you hungry, I'm dad"
Me7a1hed ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 04:55:27 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
That's what she said
PenciledInDrummer ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 04:56:37 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
When I used to have a beard, people would sometimes compliment me on it. My response was always "thanks, it took a while, but it started to grow on me, so I kept it."
BenwithacapitalB ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 04:57:48 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Why don't chickens wear underwear?
Because their pecker is on their face.
call_me_cismale ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 04:58:42 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
"Hi call_me!"
"Not yet, man"
Squiph ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 04:59:20 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Person :"Did you get a haircut?"
Me : "Nope I just grew it shorter"
itsandrock ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 04:59:48 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
My favorite beer is a local beer that isn't exactly known for its quality. My Grandma always used to make fun of me for drinking it. "You know, itsandrock, drinking [beer] is a lot like sex in a canoe: fucking near water."
Bareknucklepugilist ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:00:17 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
whats that on your shirt, opp got yeah.
Lord-Dingus ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:00:47 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
How do you find Will Smith in the snow?
You look for fresh prints.
AsAGayJewishDemocrat ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:01:09 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Horse walks into a bar.
Bartender says, "Why the long face?"
PM_ME_UR_BACK_DIMPLZ ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:01:09 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Walking into a restaurant-
Hostess: Hi! Welcome to Grizzlebee's! (grabs menus) How many tonight?
Me: Just us three. We have no friends.
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:01:18 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I say "kinda like your girl" after 20% of what my friends say
Tojja ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:01:35 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Two peanuts walking through a park.
One was assaulted.
Bonus:
What do you call a monkey walking through a minefield?
A baboom
kml079 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:02:16 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
After asking my wife to check the mail....I always follow that up with "get it checking the male?"
waceyhawpuh ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:04:33 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
What did the farmer say when he lost his tractor?
Where's my tractor?
heyimreallyannie ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:05:03 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
"I'm hungry"
"HELLO HUNGRY, I AM DAD"
TheAmishMan ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:05:07 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Pretty much every line from Kung Pow
MisterSquigglez ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:05:57 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Whenever someone says "I'm bored/tired" I always respond with "Hello bored/tired"
dorkenshiner ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:06:34 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Spell 'pig' backwards and say "funny" after that.
pinkkittenfur ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:07:02 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs on your doorstep?
Matt
What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs in a pool?
Bob
What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs in a pile of leaves?
Russell
FLABANGED ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:07:41 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
What do you get when you combine a rhetorical question with a joke..........................
SuperManMuse ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:08:40 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
What do you call an exploding monkey?
A ba-BOOM!
Macoarsman ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:08:41 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
"Hi I'll have one carne asada taco" "Carne what?" "Carne a suh dude"
Excalibro_MasterRace ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:09:39 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
The earth may not revolves around you but Uranus does
shinobigamingyt ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:09:54 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Dicks out for Harambe.
koryface ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:09:56 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
What has 2 legs and bleeds profusely? Half a cat.
kettyma8215 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:11:42 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Knock knock Who's there? Interrupting cow Interrupting cow w-MOOOOOO
QABJAB ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:12:41 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
What does a lawyer wear to court?
A LAWSUIT!
I have said that joke to almost everyone I've talked to for more than a few hours. It's really good to use when I want to break the tension of a room. Because of the timing of the joke once I say it in a dead silent room makes everyone go nuts.
WtfWhereAreMyClothes ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:14:32 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Anytime someone says something like "I hate my fucking job", I'll respond and say "well there's your problem, you should have just gotten a regular job." They get so frustrated.
iLL_Cobi ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:16:10 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
What's the difference between a lentil and a chickpea?
I wouldn't pay $200 to have a lentil on my face
Glumlor ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:16:48 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Man walks into a bar. Second man walks into a bar. Third man ducks.
w00tinab0x ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:17:31 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
A man runs into a doctors office screaming I'm a teepee, I'm a wigwam, I'm a teepee, I'm a wigwam! The doctor looks at him and says relax man you're two tents
narco113 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:18:22 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Say what you want about deaf people...
DMAtherton ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:19:22 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Every time I call someone a "piece of shit" my friend says "What's a pizza shit?"
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:19:46 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
"Hey there! Are we working hard or hardly working?"
If I punched you in the throat would you be breathing hard or hardly breathing?
cdbean04 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:20:36 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Someone: This tastes funny? Me: Like a clown? Also works for smells,looks,and sounds.
benharv ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:20:40 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Two guys walk into a bar. The third guy ducks.
yomomma56 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:21:53 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
A family checks into a hotel, and the concierge overhears the father say "I hope the porn is disabled". The concierge responds with "No, it's just regular porn, you sick fuck."
ZMAN24250 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:24:15 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
When someone asks what's difference between something, my answer is always the same whether they were talking to me or not....
"Why, subtraction of course!"
Unfortunately I'm the one known for the dad jokes and I'm not even a dad.
gotsanity ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:25:36 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
As a boss I love saying "that's why we don't have nice things."
Drop a jar of baby food... that's why we don't have nice things.
Forget to file your paperwork... that's why we don't have nice things.
Run into a jewelery counter with a forklift... that's why we don't have nice things.
momsasylum ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:25:44 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Whenever I'm asked where someone or something came from, my stock answer:
From their/its momma.
*you asked for lame.
flyingcircusdog ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:26:33 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
What do you call an alligator wearing a vest?
An investigator.
MasterExploder6 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:27:07 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Whenever someone asks me "What are you up to?" I always respond with my height. Gets them every time.
283leis ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:27:42 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I'd tell you an aviation pun, but it would probably fly over your head
eddmario ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:27:54 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Rectum? Damn near killed him!
Fighter0fTheFoo ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:28:01 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
"Isn't that illegal?"
"Illegal? Like a sick bird?"
yomomma56 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:29:23 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
What's the difference between a dirty bus stop, and a lobster with breast implants? One is a crusty bus station, and the other is a busty crustacean.
AvatarWaang ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:30:52 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
A man and a giraffe walk into a bar, giraffe lays down to take a nap. Bartender says "oi, what's that lyin there?" Man goes "it's not a lion, it's a giraffe"
CanadianSean ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:32:59 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Every time someone asks what I want to drink I will say "Water please. Fresh water, none of that frozen shit." Its from Mrs Brown's Boys and only a few people have laughed so far.
vlasvilneous ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:33:34 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
"Hey, have you guys heard about this new internet thing?"
" Yeah, its the inner netting they are putting inside swimming trunks now." - Lenny, Simpsons
rangz ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:34:05 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
"What did the cell say to his sister when she stepped on his toe?
Mitosis."
hcgator ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:34:17 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
There was this girl who said that the movie 50 First Dates reminds her of how how she met her boyfriend.
I thought that was the most ridiculous thing I'd ever heard. She didn't have short term memory loss.
Anyways, whenever I see a ridiculous love story, I always tell my wife the same thing.
Olympian runs a race and proposes...
James Bond kills a baddie and makes a suave move on a woman...
Farmboy leaves and comes back as a pirate to win back the hand of the Princess...
I turn to my wife and say, "That reminds me of when we first met."
Jojharryson ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:34:27 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
my life
foilrat ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:35:14 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
That's what she said...
DisplacedFlatlander ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:35:54 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
What do a walrus and Tupperware have in common?
They both like a tight seal!
Jorjclunee ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:37:36 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I have this awful joke where whenever I delete a file I say Im doing it for shits and gigs.
dachomeslice ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:38:20 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
That's what she said
blue_bomber508 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:38:24 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
person: "I'm hungry"
Me: "Hi hungry, I'm <says name>"
friendlyghost__ ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:38:41 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Wanna hear a paper joke? It's pretty tearable.
blue_bomber508 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:39:38 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
That's what she said
Neeerp ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:40:04 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
If I ever say "I need to do some math", I always follow it up with "as opposed to meth!"
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:41:42 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Guess what?
larbearmonk ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:43:25 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Three men walked into a bar. One ducked.
Iamdanno ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:43:39 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Why did the frog go to the hospital?
To get a hop-eration.
2cats2bowls ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:45:23 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
What's the difference between jelly and jam?
I can't jelly my dick up your ass.
OGGKaveman ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:45:39 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
What's green and has wheels? Grass, i lied about the wheels. Also one i think i heard on here... This weekend i bought a dog from a blacksmith... as soon as i got it in the house it made a bolt for the door.
Bondon48 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:45:50 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Are you swimming in wheat? Because you're inbred
jeanbonswaggy ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:46:29 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Uranus
brakos ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:47:09 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
"My nose is running."
"Well, you better go catch it."
ConfessionsAway ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:47:23 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Running a stud finder across myself and making the "beep, beep, beep" sounds.
charredsmurf ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:50:07 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Made this one up, "hey girl is you a beaver warrior? Cause d-d-d-d d-d-d-d-damn"
wait4apocalypse ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:50:11 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I travel a lot and am frequently asked when I got into to town. My favorite response: "I just flew in and boy are my arms tired!"
Maddisonic ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:52:57 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
"You're a [whatever]!" in response to someone mentioning [whatever].
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:53:31 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Whenever I play multiple rounds of Smash, I pretend to take gloves off and say "Ok, now the kid gloves are off"
crielan ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:54:08 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
How do catch a unique rabbit? You unique up on it. What do you call a deer with no eyes? No eye-deer.
ImmortanKenneth ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:54:20 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
To do is to be - Descartes
To be is to do - Sartre
Do be do be do - Sinatra.
Tartaras1 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:55:31 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Got it from reddit actually.
"You really gotta hand it to blind prostitutes." "They know how you feel."
KoolADslashbandcamp ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:56:09 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
My mom.
You just say 'My mom' instead of 'Your mom'.
Their was an episode of The Regular show where a character confused the your mom joke with my mom and the whole episode he roasts his peers with my mom jokes.
Odd_Tactics ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 06:07:53 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
You know who ELSE used "my mom" jokes...
KoolADslashbandcamp ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 07:52:17 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
My mom!
observantabsurdist ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 06:48:08 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Working construction, I had an obnoxious co-worker who was always making the 'Your mom" remarks. One day, I did something similar, I just agreed with him. Blew his mind. His whole comeback system had been thrown aloof. He gave up using it around me.
"It's hot as balls out here."
"Your mom's hot as balls."
"I bet she is, probably hotter, she lives in FL, weather's worse there."
"What?"
I also started answering 'I suppose' every time he asked if I wanted to stop at a gas station. He'd get upset and shout WELL, DO YOU WANNA STOP OR NOT??!!
douko ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:56:32 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
My girlfriend left me because of my obsession with The Monkees. At first I thought she was joking- Then I saw her face...
abruce123412 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 07:18:54 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I dont get it
douko ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 07:20:23 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
The Monkees have a song "I'm a Believer", with the chorus having the line "then I saw her face, now I'm a believer".
abruce123412 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 08:21:31 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I still don't really get
waddleteemo ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:57:19 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
"That's what she said."
Temprament ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:58:07 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Insert any comment having to do with your knee.
"Which knee? Your right knee, left knee, or your weenie!?"
Queue laughter
JosoIce ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:59:45 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
When people ask if I got my hair cut I always say "No I got them all cut"
Pretty lame huh?
LordofSnails ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:59:59 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
So, it takes a bit of explaining:
Me and my friends love watching shitty movies together, like, troll 2 level of bad. And when we watch them, we sort of Ho MST3K on the movie and making snide comments here and there throughout.
My favorite joke that always comes into play, is during a sort of big reveal scene in the movie. Usually when someone is holding something unseen in their hands, and the camera won't reveal the item, it just shows a shot of the person holding whatever item.
And every time this comes up I just go
"OMNOMNOMNOMNOM" and make eating motions into my hand, mocking the character and whatever McGuffin they're holding at the time.
Never fails to get a laugh
stefaniey ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 06:00:46 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
When someone starts crying from cutting onions, I tell them it's easier if they don't get emotionally attached. My SO thinks I'm hilarious
vitamincisgood4u ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 06:02:27 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
What kind of cheese is not yours?
Nacho cheese~
scoobydoot ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 06:05:07 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Late to the party but seriously every time I hear a car alarm in public I make sure to notify everyone around me someone's car is being stolen and to call the cops immediately.
whiskerbiscuit2 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 06:05:25 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
How do you get 100 pikachu on a bus?
Pokemon
What's green and slimed and smells like pork?
Kermits finger
Iamnot_awhore ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 06:05:30 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Remember that seen when Harry is trying to strange Loyd in Dumb and Dumber? Loyd some how gets put, "Harry, your hands are freezing!"
I use that line anytime I get cold. It is fun with my older brother who can appreciate such silly references.
Dip my toe in the 80ยฐ pool? "Harry, the pool is freezing."
Getin a shady spot? "Harry this shade is freezing!"
I guess it's kind of an inside joke but j use it almost weekly. It's good.
PM-ME-YOUR-TUMMIES ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 06:05:33 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
"No thanks, I'm trying to quit." When someone asks me if I'd like something like a drink etc.
feathered-lizard ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 06:05:50 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)*
Whenever someone says "Idaho." I ask, "Who's a ho?" Makes me laugh every time. Others just roll their eyes.
mrbean69 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 06:07:03 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Did you ever look into a trash can and think what a load of rubbish?
progrocker2 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 06:07:24 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
This will get buried, but have I got a story about lame jokes. So I would always go to my cousins house on weekends. It was easy because he lived near me and it let mom get us out of the house so she could do mom shit. We were inseparable, and we were always playing, doing kid shit, ya know? Anyway, he always had an affinity for jokes. I swear, this fucking kid couldn't tell a joke to save his life. There was one he always fucking told every fucking time I saw him. He'd say "how much does a polar bear pay for ice?" And I'd begrudgingly say "how much?" And he'd say "about tree fiddy." Now, it was about that time tha I realized that it wasn't my cousin, but a giant crustacean from the Paleozoic era. That God damn loch mess monster had gotten me again.
Fcuc ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 06:07:46 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
What do you call a bunch of white guys sitting on a bench?
The NBA.
AwkwardSiblingHug ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 06:07:55 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
What's the difference between a garbanzo bean and a chickpea?
I've never paid $50 to have a garbanzo bean on me.
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 06:08:35 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
(Everytime I drive past a herd of cows with people in the car. )
Me: hey look! It's a flock of cows Friend: herd of cows Me: heard of em? There's a flock right there!
No_Holes_Barred ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 06:09:31 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
"Who?"
who's on first.
"what?"
what's on second.
old people just chuckle when I do that, young people however take the bait all to often.
"Oh, you're a comp sci major? so you're pretty good with math then?"
yes, I know lots of math. for instance I know multiplication, like 7 * 13 = 28
RomanticPanic ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 06:10:52 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
How many tickles does it take to make an octopus Laugh?.....
10
abruce123412 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 07:17:00 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Ten tickles, heh, hahahahahah
RomanticPanic ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 12:02:06 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
๐
chaos8803 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 06:13:32 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
If a dolphin does something intentionally, would you say it was on porpoise?
Thundaa_Gaming ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 06:15:00 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Anytime someone mentions how it's hot in a room we are in I'll always reply with "sorry it's me, I'll leave".
api10 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 06:15:32 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
What does a cannibal do after dumping his girlfriend?
He wipes his butt.
observantabsurdist ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 06:35:57 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Made me think of this song
KnowledgeGreaterThan ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 06:16:29 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
What do you call a jew on the moon? A problem.
What do you call 5 Jews on the moon? A problem.
What do you call all the Jews on the moon? Problem solved.
Harfus ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 06:18:32 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Whenever someone complains about the heat, usually saying something like "I'm so hot!" I always say "I like the confidence!"
rabidchicken618 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 06:18:53 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)*
Asking, "is it 2 for 1 day today?" at the grocery store checkout. I know, I'm a douche.
LuxuryClubBand ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 06:21:08 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Knock, knock. Who's there? To. To who? It's to whom?!
CheesyHotDogPuff ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 06:21:45 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
What's the difference between a rolling stone and a Scotsman? The Rolling Stone says "Hey you, get off my cloud." The Scotsman says "Hey McCloud, get off my ewe!"
observantabsurdist ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 06:32:57 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
That's awesome! I'm not sure what the short for 'snorted out loud' (SOL?), but I did.
pinkandgreen19 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 06:27:00 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
When someone starts singing I ask them who sings that song. They answer and I say lets keep it that way. My favourite and one of the only things I remember about high school, thanks Mr P!
sarkie ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 06:27:10 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
What's E.T. short for?
DIDiMISSsomethin ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 06:27:11 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Server: "You want another beer?" Me: "Well if you're gonna twist my arm..."
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 06:30:25 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Airline stewardess: "Can I get you something to drink?"
Me: "Yeah, I'll have a plane coffee." smirks obnoxiously
Algoritmi_ ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 06:31:20 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
When ever someone asks what time it is I instinctively answer "hammer time".
Please help I can't stop
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 06:34:00 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
"Did nazi that one coming." It is the shittiest plague that leaves my mouth, but anything that comes out of my mouth after those words, is infinitely better on comparison.
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 06:34:43 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
"Hey, you wanna know the best icebreaker? No, no, wait, it's the worst icebreaker."
Lull them into a false sense of security.
"THE TITANIC"
Vicous ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 06:35:27 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
What's funnier than a baby?
A dead baby.
What's funnier than a dead baby?
Two dead babies.
JefferyTheWalrus ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 06:35:52 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Every time someone hits the button to cross the street, I tell them, "We have to wait for the white man! It's a metaphor."
grumpy-mom ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 06:35:55 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Kid: My stomach hurts
Me: Does your face hurt too? Because it's killing me.
Kid: ......
malenkylizards ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 06:35:57 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Whenever somebody mentions being hard of hearing, or says something about somebody who's deaf, or talks about how loud somebody was talking, or ANYTHING like that, no matter how much of a stretch, I instantly say "what?"
Half the time they start to repeat themselves, the other half of the time they just เฒ _เฒ .
Merlin_pls ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 06:37:40 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
What smells and sounds like a bell?
DUNG!
Duckduck666 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 06:37:57 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
My friend used to call a kid eating tater tots a "tot tot of taters."
etpooms ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 06:39:46 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
"Like my men."
malenkylizards ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 06:40:13 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
My little cousin loved to tell this one when he was a little kid, I really love to tell it now as a grown ass man.
Knock knock.
Who's there?
Panther.
Panther who?
PANTHER NO PANTH, I'M GOING THWIMMING!
batnipples4ever ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 06:40:46 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Any time my friends mention sushi: "Mine always comes out under cooked." I think I'm extra funny saying that because I'm a vegetarian and have never even tried sushi.
abruce123412 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 07:15:23 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Lots of sushi uses vegetarian ingredients
TheMellowestyellow ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 06:42:07 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I work in a hotel. Quite frequently, people will come up to me and lead off with "I have a question"
I cant NOT answer that with "I have an answer"
littlestar_ ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 06:43:54 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
A truck driver pulls into a fuel station to fill up, accompanied by a large load of penguins in the back. "I have all these penguins, what should I do with them?!" Exclaims the driver. The cashier suggests taking them to the zoo while putting through the transaction. "What a brilliant idea!" Agrees the driver, and off they go to the zoo.
A week later the truck driver and penguins pull into the same fuel station, although this time all wearing bathers and sun hats. The same cashier is working and asks with a confusing look, "I thought you to took them to the zoo?"
The man responds, "I did take them to the zoo and they had a blast, so now I'm taking them to the beach."
blasphemicassault ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 06:43:56 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
What's the difference between a freezer and an asshole?
One doesn't fart when you pull the meat out
xFoamBornx ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 06:44:18 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Person: Wow, the end of that game was intense.
Me: I know, for a second I thought we were camping.
levthermin ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 06:45:53 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
"A skeleton walks into a bar...he orders a beer...and a mop"
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 06:55:17 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Telling annoying people in computer games that the way to access whatever they are looking for is to press Alt+F4.
tajbinjohn ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 06:55:21 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I work at an ice cream shop.
When people order Butter Pecan I say "Pecan do!"
It helps
Atiopos ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 06:57:23 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Informing people they dropped something regardless of whether or not they know. If someone drops a plate full of food I'll be waiting.
pushonbrotha ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 06:57:41 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Why are potatoes a Native American food? Because Chu-mash them.
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 06:59:16 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
"Hey do you have a Henway?" "What's a Henway?" "About 2 pounds"
MediocreDotarPlayer ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 06:59:24 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
What's the difference between roast beef and pea soup?
Anyone can roast beef...
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 07:01:41 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
The one about the spoon.
Diqiurenminbi ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 07:02:27 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Where does Kylie get her kebabs?
Jason's Donner van
jstew262 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 07:06:04 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
"Oh I'm just joshin"
My name is Josh
pheesh_man ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 07:10:35 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I will always say "meow" in place of "now" because of Super Troopers
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 07:13:52 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Airplane food amirite
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 07:15:50 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Why does the Easter Bunny hide all the Easter eggs?
So that no one knows he's fucking the chickens!
thechosenpikachu ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 07:17:28 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
This zoo only has one dog. It's a shitzu.
Cue eye rolls and groans from everyone i tell this to.
abruce123412 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 07:17:37 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
FINE, I'll tell you a joke, how many tickles does it take to make an octopus laugh?
Ten tickles
jtd2013 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 07:18:03 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Them: "But, um" Me: "Tss"
No one ever gets it but it makes me laugh.
Dr0n3r ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 07:18:25 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I ask someone if they've ever heard of Melinda May and then recite Shel Silverstein's poem to them as though it's a motivational speech.
"Have you heard of tiny Melinda Mae, Who ate a monstrous whale? She thought she could, She said she would, So she started in right at the tail.
And everyone said, "You're much too small," But that didn't bother Melinda at all. She took little bites and she chewed very slow, Just like a good girl should...
...And in eighty-nine years she ate that whale Because she said she would!"
BlurAres ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 07:20:05 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Whenever someone asks me, "what time is it?" I usually respond with, "same time as yesterday"
darkmind403 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 07:20:07 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
in a tough, manly voice Where does a king keep his armies? ... wiggles arms In his sleevies! :D
Especially effective with loose, long sleeved shirts.
HolySonnetX ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 07:21:43 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
When ever I hear an emergency vehicle go by with sirens blazing I go "They'll not sell much ice cream going at that speed"
HotsauceJar ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 07:22:08 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
"Does your face hurt?"
"No, why?"
"Because it's killing me!"
TitaniumDolly ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 07:23:54 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Two muffins were sitting in an oven. One turned to the other and said, "Man, it's hot in here!" And the other one said, "OHMYGOD! A TALKING MUFFIN!" (Shouting the last part is required.)
Simple. Ironic. Subverts social norms (not shouting randomly in a conversation) but in a fun way.
PebbleThief ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 07:27:06 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I why didn't they let the soda pop ride the roller coaster?
Because he was only NeHi!
treacherous_fool ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 07:28:05 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
"So this girl name Suzy walks in to a bar."
"Ouch! Must've hurt. She hurt herself?"
LostBaka ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 07:28:11 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
i dont think its alme but i will alwasy use "thats what she said"
darrylfuckingee ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 07:28:35 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Kimoleters
amandathelion ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 07:28:39 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
For the Korean speakers:
Can horses speak Korean? ๋ค!
What is a robot's favorite food? ๋น๋น๋น
What is a vampires favorite drink? ์ปคํผ
6FootDwarf ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 07:29:12 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
They say the mind is the second thing to go.
Luc-dabomba ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 07:29:15 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Why did the ghost cross the road? To get to the "other side"
WorthWhileWordz ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 07:30:05 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
How does the Rabbi make his tea?
Hebrews it.
Lezzylace ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 07:31:39 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Knock knock? Whose there? I eat mop. I eat mop who? Ewwww that's so gross.
Say it out loud. My favorite joker ever. But kinda lame
pudgeymcdog ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 07:32:29 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Whats the difference between a greyhound station and a crab with boobs? One is a crusty bus station and the other is a busty crustacean
twinfyre ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 07:36:41 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
"What time is it?"
"Time for you to get a watch."
cogenix ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 07:37:06 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I don't know, but sure as hell they don't get old, like a child with cancer.
TubbyRulesAll ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 07:37:19 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Can February March?
No, but April May.
embodiementofidiocy ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 07:39:36 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
"my last name is Singh. And so in the power invested in me. I shall name my firstborn Kant.............Kant Singh
JacP123 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 07:39:45 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)*
Me: asks someone where they're from, what hockey team they support, who they work for, what car they drive, anything that can cause competitiveness
Them: they respond
Me: "Sorry?" (as if I didn't understand them)
Them: repeats what they said:
Me: "No I heard you I'm just saying sorry" (because they're thing sucks)
Richbr970 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 07:41:49 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Two nuns in a bath. One says "where's the soap?", the other says "yes it does doesn't it!"
Bernard Manning 1976
Alphadef ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 07:42:01 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
What's up? The sky. Or whatever is currently up at the time. Sometimes listing several things, like the clouds, space, the ceiling, etc
rubixium ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 07:43:47 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Guest: Hey whats your wifi password?
Me: itsonthefridge
EugeneSnorkelbender ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 07:44:26 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Whenever I am with a friend or friends and they need to go to the toilet I tell them to have fun... But not too much fun. It gets funnier every time.
PizzaPokemon ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 07:48:28 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
What kind of clothes does Mario wear?
Denim denim Denim
The_Magic ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 07:50:14 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Theres a city called Laverne relatively near me. Everytime it comes up in conversation I mention how its not as good as Shirley.
uglyweaboo ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 07:50:44 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
'What's the time?' 'Time to get a watch!'
wxip22 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 07:52:48 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
While eating ice cream: "hurry up! Before it gets cold"
dumdumyez ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 07:53:14 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Not my joke personally, but my husband does this! When we are cooking and I ask him to toast something, like "honey, can you toast the buns?" He'll always raise his glass and go "To the Buns!"
Bodie973 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 07:54:43 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Hey do you know whats cool?
The cool room.
Randditor1 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 07:55:24 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Kid to his teacher: Miss, where do children come from? Teacher: A fairy comes and gives a child to the one you marry. Kid: Alright, then who would I screw, fairy or the wife?
BNLforever ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 07:56:06 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
What's the best kind of tea? Responsibility
darybrain ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 07:59:34 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
A guy walks into a doctor's office and the doc asks "Sir, how can I help you?" The duck responds "Do you know how I can get this guy off my ass?"
Or
I've always wanted to go to a bookstore and ask if they have a book titled 'How to deal with rejection without killing' and see what they say.
thatjoeg ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 08:01:55 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Your mom
justamanwithaguitar ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 08:04:08 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
When a police car, fire engine or ambulance drive past fast with their siren on: "he won't sell many ice creams at that speed"
Dukeronomy ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 08:09:12 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Talking to my gf about going somewhere or doing something. Example go to the zoo
Her, "yea, let's do it"
Me, "and then go to the zoo?" (Wink nudge)
dorfcally ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 08:10:29 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
why did the cowboy buy a weiner dog?
cause he wanted to get a long little doggy
tarotfeathers ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 08:11:12 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Whenever I crack my neck or back I whisper 'oh snap'.
JenovaCelestia ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 08:14:51 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I work in a grocery store so I have quite a few grocery puns. My favorite is when I find random berries on the floor. I pick them up, walk up to an unsuspecting victim worthy of the pun, and casually ask, "Hey, did I tell you the joke about the raspberry and the strawberry?" The usual answer is "no...?" and I just hand them the berries and say, "Well it was BERRY PUNNY!"
Runner up: "-sees a customer is buying a leek- That's a pretty big leek. I'd call a plumber and get that checked out."
piepowerz ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 08:15:29 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
"What time is it?" "Time to get a watch"
I'm that guy
cookieman_lol ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 08:17:27 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
What is the only country in the world that knows your name?
Vietnam
GotMyOrangeCrush ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 08:28:23 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
A pair of jumper cables walks into a bar. The bartender says, "I'll serve you, but you better not start anything!"
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 08:30:54 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
A sandwich walks into a bar and orders a drink. The bartender says, "Sorry, we don't serve food here."
dancingbanana123 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 08:31:15 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
"What are you doing?"
Me: "My best"
Tsunoba ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 08:31:26 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Whenever I (or my mother) hear a baby crying: "Crybaby."
xtryst ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 08:31:46 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
A friend of mine once asked me ,"why don't we ever see a girl fart?". "Probably because they get an asshole after they get married.", I replied
Gourry007 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 08:32:52 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Whenever I'm talking to someone and they say "but um.." I always say "tsss". It happens more often than you think.
realbetag ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 08:35:30 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Enemy: "i fucked your mom hahah" Me: "jokes on you, i have two dads"
zeugma25 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 08:35:49 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
when a pea falls off the plate, "esca-pea"
Neo_Vexos ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 08:39:13 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
"What time is it?"
"Time for you to get a watch."
I say it every time.
m713085 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 08:39:46 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
How long have you guys been married?
7 happy years....9 years all up
(watches wife rolls eyes and let out a disappointed sigh for the umpteenth time)
TealAf ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 08:40:05 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
when i ask someone that just went to a fair, i ask "how was the fair? Was it FAIR?" heh. heh. just used that today....
Petrol_in_my_eyes ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 08:40:08 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Deadpan face, saying "hail sneezer" anytime someone sneezes. It's become habit more than anything else.
maybeamonster ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 08:43:07 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Them: "What's up?"
Me: "A preposition"
I can't not say it, I think. Happens almost every damn time.
ozzriffic ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 08:43:33 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
My infant son likes to look at fans. I keep saying he is a fan of fans. My girlfriend says I'm a dork.
TheCrabHermitToshi ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 08:44:21 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Not really a joke, but whenever someone says something where an acceptable response would be a simple "Good", I will instead respond by saying "Gouda", wait a few seconds and then say "Like the cheese".
JuanDiek ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 08:45:42 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
That's what she said
F4ST_M4ST3R ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 08:51:39 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
What do you call a fish with no eye
A FSSSHHHHHHHHH
Anal_Hobo ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 08:52:09 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
When I was a kid, every time we would get in the car and the dashboard would light up with "door ajar", my step dad would always say "Damn thing must be broken. It keeps saying my door is a jar." Every god damn time.
daniel_zrh ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 08:56:48 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Answering "quarter past" to every time-related question.
Brandondorf ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 09:03:39 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Two that my gf use back and forth to each other. It's never serious, just something to tack on a little tension.
Someone complains about something kinda hurting.
"Oh, would you like me to call you a wambulance?"
Someone complains about something in general.
"I didn't realize you worked at a whinery."
PinataZack ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 09:04:41 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Updog?
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 09:05:52 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
it kinda only works in german, because the word for "meet" and "hit" can be the same, "treffen".
but it goes like this: "Two hunters meet/hit eachother in the forest. they're both dead"
it's my go-to flat joke.
IAmTotallyNotSatan ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 09:08:57 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
There once was a farmer. He had a dog by his side, and two horses. And one horse's name was Razzle, and one's name was Dazzle. And one day, the farmer decided that they would race. And the farmer raised his starting gun โย bang!
And it was, Razzle-Dazzle-Razzle-Dazzle-Razzle-Dazzle-Razzle-Dazzle-Razzle, by a nose!
And it just so happened that the head of the county fair was there. He said, "You know, you oughta enter those horses of yours in the county fair." And the farmer said, "You know, I might just do that."
And he did! And the head of the fair raised his starting gun โย bang! And it was, Razzle-Dazzle-Razzle-Dazzle-Razzle-Dazzle-Razzle-Dazzle-Razzle, by a nose!
And it just so happened that the head of the state fair was there. He said, "You know, you oughta enter those horses of yours in the state fair." And the farmer said, "You know, I might just do that."
And he did! And the head of the fair raised his starting gun โย bang! And it was, Razzle-Dazzle-Razzle-Dazzle-Razzle-Dazzle-Razzle-Dazzle-Razzle, by a nose!
And it just so happened that the head of the national fair was there. He said, "You know, you oughta enter those horses of yours in the national fair." And the farmer said, "You know, I might just do that."
And he did! And the head of the fair raised his starting gun โย bang! And it was, Razzle-Dazzle-Razzle-Dazzle-Razzle-Dazzle-Razzle-Dazzle-Razzle, by a nose!
And it just so happened that the head of the world fair was there. He said, "You know, you oughta enter those horses of yours in the world fair." And the farmer said, "You know, I might just do that."
And he did! And the head of the fair raised his starting gun โย bang! And it was, Razzle-Dazzle-Razzle-Dazzle-Razzle-Dazzle-Razzle-Dazzle-Razzle, by a nose!
And it just so happened that the head of the solar system fair was there. The Martian said, "[You know, you oughta enter those horses of yours in the solar system fair.]"(translated) And the farmer said, "You know, I might just do that."
And he did! And the head of the fair raised his starting phaser โย pew! And it was, Razzle-Dazzle-Razzle-Dazzle-Razzle-Dazzle-Razzle-Dazzle-Razzle, by a nose!
And it just so happened that the head of the galaxy fair was there. He said, "You know, you oughta enter those horses of yours in the galaxy fair." And the farmer said, "Nope. I'm gonna go home."
And he did. And he grew old and died, dog still by his side, horses still grazing in the field like usual. And one day, while grazing in the field, Razzle looked at Dazzle, and Dazzle looked at Razzle.
Razzle said, "You know, in all those races you never beat me. Not once."
Dazzle said, "Yup."
Razzle asked, "Want to have one more race? For old times' sake?"
Dazzle said, "Yup."
And they were about to race. They lined up at the starting line, ready to run, but they couldn't find anyone to fire the starting gun! They looked around, to maybe find a passerby or something to fire the gun, when the dog trotted up to them.
"I can fire the gun," the dog said.
And Razzle looked at Dazzle, and Dazzle looked at Razzle, and said, "Look! A talking dog!"
man0steel93 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 09:10:59 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
'You wanna hear a joke?'
'Yeah, sure'
'Pussy'
'I dont get it'
'Yeah.. you don't'
brevityyy ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 09:15:29 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
"What's the time?"
Time you got a watch
SirRinge ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 09:16:20 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
When someone makes a small dick joke about me, "Hey, I'm Asian, what's your excuse?" Helps that my family is Taiwanese.
anilsen ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 09:16:26 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Saying to people who complain that it is cold to go stand in the corner 'cause it's always 90ยฐ there.
CanadianJogger ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 10:25:42 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Is that a right or a left 90ยฐ?
austex3600 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 09:17:14 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
A guy walks into a bar and says ouch
*walk away soon after end of joke for best effect
Nomadsghost ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 09:17:59 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
How many suh dudes does it take to change a lightbulb?
None, it's already lit fam.
yosemitesambo ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 09:19:53 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Did you hear about the lady who threw a case of beer on her baby at the local Walmart.
Oh my. No what happened? Is the baby OK.
The baby is fine it was "light" beer?
yosemitesambo ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 09:20:44 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
What do you call a black man in space?
An astronaut you racist.
ichliebekohlmeisen ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 09:22:17 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Whenever I order a steak and the server asks how I would like it cooked I lock eyes and as straight faced as possible say "On the grill, please". Don't break the eye contact.
GDMNW ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 09:23:27 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
"Only on Wednesdays"
When someone compliments an aspect of my character - can't decide if it's funnier on Wednesday or not.
Never plan on saying it, just comes out. Sometimes gets a laugh, more often than not it gets a confused look and a polite 'hah'.
CarmineRed ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 15:57:23 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I do this, but just with Thursday. Doesn't really work on Thursdays though, but I sometimes slip up.
13th_Nightmare ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 09:24:54 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I don't mean to brag but whenever I get naked in the bathroom the shower usually gets turned on
pbzeppelin1977 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 09:35:05 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Knock knock.
Who's there?
I eat my?
...
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 09:35:24 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Ask someone why nuns always wear those black dresses. Then say, "No reason, it's just a habit"
MicMagnetic ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 09:38:08 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
That's what she said
hazillius ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 09:45:14 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
What do you call a judge with no thumbs?
Justice Fingers.
monkey-socks ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 09:50:34 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Do I like my new haircut? Yeah, it's growing on me.
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 09:54:55 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)*
[deleted]
geared4war ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 11:03:28 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Next time say "I'll be front".
AlienNoodles ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 10:02:53 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
This is kind of an in joke with some friends, whenever someone says a game is unrealistic I say "It's almost like it's a video game"
Warlord42 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 10:03:17 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
That's what she said.
CrazedClown101 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 10:04:26 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I'll never not use "That's very punny" whenever a pun is used.
davis482 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 10:05:47 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
"Mommy I broke both of my arms"
ZenoCarlos ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 10:06:37 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
"Hm, that food establishment has been cooking since 1969? That's some out of date food!"
Quentin_Coldwater ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 10:06:52 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I like to cook for large groups of people, so when they say, "hmm, the food smells/looks delicious," I reply with "thanks, you too." It started as a joke reply as I'm not really good with compliments, but now I mainly do it for the awkward stare I receive back.
kerouacrimbaud ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 10:07:06 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
"There it isn't!"
It's honest trolling, really.
Dynasty2201 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 10:11:08 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Test drove a new car yesterday,
The guy at the dealership said when I sat in the car and was looking around "Are you comfortable?"
"I make a living"
CanadianJogger ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 10:21:18 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I use that on waitresses. They come around and ask, "Are you doing okay?"
"Yeah, I make a comfortable living."
unphaz3d ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 10:11:14 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Did you hear about the farmer who won an award? He was out standing in his field.
loppyjilopy ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 10:12:21 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
when anyone asks "what's that smell?", i say "updog". most of the time they reply with an out of context tone: "what's up dog?"
CleverlyHiddenJavert ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 10:15:04 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
What did the robot say to the centipede?
Stop being a centipede!
See, it's funny because the robot doesn't have any arms.
My_Name_Is_SKELETOR ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 10:15:58 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
"It doesn't scan? It must be free then!"
No asshole, just means we have to waste more time while someone goes to manually check the price. Alternatively, when someone hands you money:
"It's legit, I printed it just this morning!"
Just as annoying.
vinovix ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 10:20:08 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
If someone informs me that they're using the bathroom I automatically say "good luck" by default:/
Jason_Anaminus ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 10:26:18 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Is your X running?
Well you better watch it!
it is way unexpected if you do it with a thing other than refrigerator
Baron_Von_Happy ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 10:26:21 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
ALL OF THEM!
abluepineapple ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 10:27:31 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
What's grey and can't fly? A parking lot.
adzbat33 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 10:27:55 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
What time is it?
Time to get a watch!
super_fluous ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 10:40:56 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
"What time is it?" "Time to get a watch!"
Even my 10 year old cousin is sick of it
verbose_person ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 10:42:12 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
What's Bruce Lee's favorite drink?
WA-TAAAA! *complete with punching motion
Thsu ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 10:48:38 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
If I'm about to walk across the street with red light I tell my friends "we're colourblind lets go"
berf ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 10:48:41 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
computer -> confuser
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 10:49:59 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
What did the suicidal librarian tell her family? "I want to kill my shelf"
arbucklefatty ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 10:50:14 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I always drink water with my meals at restaurants. Near the end of the meal, if the server asks me if I want a refill I always respond with, "No thanks, I'm driving." It has a greater than 90% success rate.
Mitch-Sorrenstein ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 10:55:16 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
"Yo what's your number, man?"
"911"
ThatWhizzKid ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 10:59:02 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
If someone ever says, "To be frank...", my brother always interrupts with, "you'd have to change your name".
geared4war ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 11:01:07 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
If you have a green ball in your left hand and a free ball in your right hand what do you have?
Kermit the Frogs complete attention.
GaigeIsTheKing ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 11:06:30 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Working hard or hardly working?
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 11:06:44 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Thats what she said.
A man walks into a bar. Ouch.
Giggity.
quimm-ninja ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 11:10:36 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
What do you call a three legged Donkey? Wonkey!
AntiEmerald ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 11:11:12 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Cant answer, this question Ecks dee'd me
RIPGeech ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 11:12:19 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
When getting takeaway. "Do they deliver?"
"No, they do chicken, beef and lamb"
MinagiV ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 11:13:00 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
When my kid tells me he's hungry. "Hi, Hungry, I'm Mom!" A lot of the time, I just hold my hand out to shake his and he groans.
chrisdrewdavis ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 11:13:25 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
When I'm walking with my wife I always ask, "so... you wanna skip?"
She always reminds me that it's not s funny joke. So I continue to press on.
mazzu94 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 11:15:36 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
What's the difference between a Peugeot and Lady D?
The Peugeot reaches forties.
Razzler1973 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 11:16:13 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
My GF is quite small, not circus small but just 5ft 2 or something. However, whenever we go out to eat anywhere and they say 'table for 2' I always say '1 and a half'.
It's just a 'thing' now and she's chuckle if the joke just doesn't go over at all, like no reaction but I kind of 'win' if it gets any kind of decent laugh or even a smile
MegaStarlyEX ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 11:17:18 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Me: "What's the worst joke EVER?"
Other person: "uhh, idk.."
Me: "This one.."
Irfan_sagheer ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 11:18:13 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
โI like youโ I texted my crush. Blushing and walking around in my room, full of excitement that I was going to pop within the next minute.
jp_newman ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 11:19:31 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
What do you call a cow with 2 legs? Lean beef. What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef.
prisonwallet5009 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 11:23:04 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
"Does this damp rag smell like choloroform to you?"
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 11:24:33 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
What's Brown and sticky? A stick! :D
animatedtwig ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 11:28:48 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
"What are we going to eat?"
"Food."
"What kind of food?"
"Good food."
SuperPoliwhirl ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 11:28:49 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
What's a monkey's favorite Christmas song? A: Jungle Bells. What type of book is this book about forces? A: It is a non-friction book What do you call an old snowman? A: Water What is the cross-between an ape and a human? A: You Now my friend hates me, gg.
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 11:29:14 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Wife: I'll put the kettle/dishwasher/washing machine on
Me: it'll never suit you!
MeganCool ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 11:30:09 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Every time I'm at the ATM and money comes out I shout "I won!"
scribbler8491 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 11:31:05 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
"Did you get a haircut?"
"No, I got them all cut."
amateurcomicreader ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 11:32:51 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I did a radio course at uni, so whenever anyone asks about radio I say 'I have the face for it'. It was funny at first but now I can't stop saying it.
FredNasr ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 11:33:41 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
When someone asks what time it is, I say "Time you got a watch"
svennnn ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 11:34:02 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
"Can you put the oven on?"
"It won't fit me."
gavotron ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 11:38:09 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Europe.
Europe who?
No, you're a poo.
ShamsterSuperHamster ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 11:38:26 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I'm a good actor. I can use my lifelong traits for acting out parts.
Being antsy and overall uneasy due to awkward situations? No sweat. Playing the part of a guy who can't make up his mind for hours on end? No sweat. Walking right out of a gymnasium after a workout or a sauna? No can do. No sweat.
(Everyone calls this one the worst joke they've ever heard. I think it's the finest one I can come up with on my own.)
Xyzar ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 11:39:37 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
-"what's the clock?" -"An invention"
It doesn't translate from swedish that well. But I have used it for the last 7 years and my friends goes crazy and want to kill me every time. So worth it
jackielegs616 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 11:43:01 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Them: "I feel like some nuggets". Me: "You don't look like them, don't worry". I'm not even a Dad.
SpamelaAnderson ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 11:43:03 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Why is sand yellow?
Because the sea weed.
SoulessSolace ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 11:44:33 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
An English prisoner of war was held by the Germans. The Englishman was shot all over the place, and okay until one day when the German told him, โEnglander,your arm is infected with gangrene vee must cut it off.โ The English prisoner said, โWell, okay, but could you drop it over England when you go bombing?โ The German replied, โYa, that vill not be a problem.โ A few weeks later the German tells the Englishman that they have to cut his other arm off. The Englishman says, โWell, could drop it over England like you did last time?โ โYa, that vill be done,โ says the German. The next day the German tells him that they have to cut his leg off. Once again the Brit says, โWell, could you do the same as before?โ The German replies, โVhy, ya.โ The next the German tells him they have to cut his other leg. โWell,โ begins the Brit, โcould you just...โ The German snapped, โNo! We think you are trying to escape!โ
aj9427 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 11:45:00 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
"yeah it was pretty intense." "bit like camping, hey?"
I just can't kick this habit
TheGamedawg ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 11:46:19 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
What's a metaphor?
Winning the game tournament.
Totally-Not-A-Troll ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 11:47:04 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Every time we would pass a Greyhound bus I would ask my wife & kids, "Do you know what they call people who ride Greyhound busses?" ... Passengers!
Also when ever we happen to see a tank I have to say, "look there is ummm... what is those things called with the big gun on it?"
They reply, "Tanks"
I say, "Your welcome!"
I was a Dad before the Internet!
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 11:47:12 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Whenever someone asks me "are you alright?", I immediately and instinctively respond with "nah, mate, I'm half left.".
Beantownfan73 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 11:47:27 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Asked my dad for some last minute advice before starting my first job ages ago. He said "yeah, don't breathe underwater."
thekoguma ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 11:50:14 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Whenever I make dinner reservations for my group I use as my last name "Sirch" or "Havanaugh" so when the wait staff calls out for us it's, "Sirch, party of four or Havanaugh, party of six!" My friend's love being part of my search party...
Markusser123 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 11:50:38 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
My ex wife misses me...but her aim is getting better!
RyJM ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 11:51:30 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Whenever I am in a shop or restaurant and I have had to wait for any period of time and the server says "sorry for your wait" my response is "it's ok, it's not your fault I can't diet"...gets me every time.
ChasterMief711 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 11:52:33 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
anytime uranium is mentioned, I interrupt with "who's ranium? my ranium?"
it doesn't come up very often, I admit, but I take advantage every time I can.
Colourblindknight ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 11:52:57 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Why did the scarecrow get an award?
He was out standing in his field.
wtfulookingat ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 11:53:36 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
My dad's favorite jokes: Does your face hurt? It's killing me! or I'm the boss and you're nothing. That makes me the boss of nothing.
veetack ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 11:54:13 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
My fiancee often asks, "Do You love me?"
I almost always reply, "Can you dance?"
Jareh-Ashur ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 11:55:33 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
There's this phrase in Assyrian "Yama'd Latla Ishta" which literally translates to beach (or sea) with no end but basically means hell and is used in a aggressive way to essentially tell someone to fuck off when they ask about a place.
So anyways whenever someone asks me in Assyrian where something is/where they wanna go or anything location based really I say "Bekhshawan iten kha Yama" which means "well I think there's a beach...". The first few times i would end it with "that has no end" but I've used it so much everyone instantly knows I'm being a complete fuckwit.
Anyways I'm sure no ones gonna fucking read this but i already typed the essay so I'ma post it, essay.
Lyk dis if u cri eretym.
hydro_guy ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 11:55:58 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Somebody in the room,"Oh my God!"
Me,"You called?"
SwiftwindIsMySteed ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 11:58:02 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
When leaving the house for awhile/day..."I'm off like a prom dress."
toolBOCKS ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 11:58:43 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Bit late to the party but there's a town in New South Wales Australia called Broken Hill. Will never stop asking my mate who's from there if they've fixed it yet
prjindigo ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 12:02:49 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
When a woman asks me my middle name I tell em:
"[name], just like a young male rabbit that'll fuck anything, but with extra "D"."
Weak middle name is the only thing I have to compensate for, yay!
aljmzy ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 12:04:22 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Where do you weigh a whale? the Whale-weigh station
Mistelroth ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 12:04:58 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Responding to anyone who says "fuck me" with "maybe later" "no thanks" ana "what here?" Generally to piss of one of my mates, but its automatically in my mind whenever I here it.
ironmanmk42 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 12:05:36 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
When someone wants to comment "I did not see it coming " but writes "I dis Nazi it coming "
bignatenz ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 12:06:30 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Whenever I'm looking for my keys/wallet/whatever, and I ask my gf "have you seen my keys", as soon as I find them I follow it up with "never mind, I'll use these ones instead". Every. Damn. Time
ekobeko ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 12:07:50 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
"Your mum"
ablomberg1 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 12:10:28 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Two people walk into a bar. The third one ducked.
Bromoseexual ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 12:11:08 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
That even when I'm wrong I'm Wright.
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 12:12:42 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Two guys walk into a bar...ouch.
evorm ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 12:18:57 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
i have had a track record of antijokes
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 12:19:15 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Yo momma is SO far away... I would have to RUN just to get to her!
SHAZZAM
coleJustice ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 12:20:13 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
"What's the button to swap weapons?"
"Y"
"BECAUSE I WANNA KNOW!"
bagoonga ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 12:22:18 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Whenever I have a quesadilla: I got this just in quesadilla.
Faldoras ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 12:22:43 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Whenever I put on 3D glasses, I say "Hey, I can see in 3D now!"
My GF has threatened to punch me a couple of times now, but THAT WONT STOP ME!
Clap4boobies ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 12:24:47 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Why couldn't hitler drink tequila? Because it would make him mean.
cowzroc ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 12:25:33 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
gets out notebook
ObamaCharmer ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 12:26:03 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Is it really hot in here or is it just me? I guess it's just me
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 12:26:29 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
"What's up" "The sky"
aUsefulTool ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 12:29:03 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
What's the difference between jam and jelly? I can't jelly my dick down your throat.
bobinchese ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 12:33:03 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
"Dispel"
"Which spell?"
Sockscake ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 12:39:55 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
''Hey, this soup is really hot.'' ''Like me!''
cyclopsrex ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 12:42:18 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Deez
beefstockcube ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 12:43:42 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
When ever I pay for something.
Hand over my card.
Which account sir?
Someone else's! Boom.
Every . Dam. Time.
prsquadg ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 12:45:56 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Whenever someone asks "Have you ever heard of ____________"
lukedajug ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 12:48:22 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
"are you allright?" "No I'm half left"
chewyflex ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 12:49:47 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Any time someone asks "where's so and so?" I respond with "didn't you hear?"
I let them fill in the blanks.
Magenta-Rose ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 12:51:15 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Any time anyone asks me why an alan key is called an alan key, I say "Because it's used for Turing things around"
TP_in_my_bunghole ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 12:51:44 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
How do you make a hormone?
Kick her in the cunt...
keeperofthedingo ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 12:51:57 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Late to the party, but whatever. Mine is "I got hammered on Vodka and Milk of Magnesia last night. Its called a Phillips Screwdriver"
Whenren ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 12:53:37 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
3 men walk into a bar, the 4th one ducks.
yrchard ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 12:56:18 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
At work I get asked multiple times per day, "Hey yrchard can I ask you a question?"
I always respond with, "You just did"
Half the time they come back with, "Can I ask you another question?"
Then I sigh and stare at them. Same thing happens with the people that work at mall kiosks.
PapaMouMou ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 12:57:04 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Wife - "You're driving me crazy/nuts/insane!"
Me - "Short drive"
hesimate ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 12:58:58 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Why did the mexican throw his wife off the train?
Tequilla
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 12:59:41 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I joke I'm illiterate during conversation
cartesiancategory ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 13:00:27 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
"Camping is intense [in tents]."
MBArceus ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 13:02:22 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
"Don't fucking cuss" or some variation thereof. My brother is sick and tired of it.
TwelveGuardians ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 13:08:19 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
This joke doesn't even make sense but you wanted lame and my wife is literally going to stab me if I continue. So talk me out of continuing?
Her: I have a migraine.
Me: you know what they say about migraines, they're your graines not mine!
Literally the worst I know, likely even worse when you have a severe headache and have heard this nonsense 1000x
Anyways...
architechno ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 13:09:50 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
What do you want to eat?
Plants and animals
Babe, what kind of clothes should I wear tonight?
Cotton
What time is it?
Now
When will you get home?
Probably in, uh..... the future.
Forgeahead1 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 13:10:51 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
That's what she said.
Desirai ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 13:12:11 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
what's red and bad for your teeth? a brick
Hector_Ceromus ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 13:13:14 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)*
Mixing the Kardashians up with Star Trek's Cardsasians. Not until both are no longer relevant.
rlaxton ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 13:14:42 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
A man walks into a bar.
"Ouch." He says.
It was an iron bar.
hulkamaniac25 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 13:16:02 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Thanks for having me, I hope you enjoyed being had
hulkamaniac25 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 13:16:28 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
It's better to be pissed off then pissed on
woden57 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 13:16:55 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Friend: "I have a headache" Me: "If I had a head like yours it would hurt me too"
horsecalledwar ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 13:17:10 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
It's a tie between "So's your face" and "That's what she said".
SnipenBombs21 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 13:17:28 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Did you know that all cats can jump higher than a house? It's because they have really strong back legs, and houses can't jump.
bitemeK9 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 13:17:30 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Your mom.
Inquisitor1119 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 13:19:07 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
To.
To who?
To whom.
Shamrockthecasba ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 13:19:53 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
My penis
bigbird101 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 13:20:11 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
There's these two grains of sand in the dessert... Suddenly, on turns to the other and says: "Hey, pssst... I think we're surrounded!"
Nethageraba ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 13:20:24 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I'll tell you what's lame...
Your attitude, young [lady/man].
Labirynthgrl ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 13:21:03 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Whenever we come to a stop sign to a one way street, I always ask my boyfriend if it is clear his way....he stopped answering me and one time I didn't go because i kept telling him I couldn't see...
I have no idea why he dates me
dontlikeclowns ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 13:22:09 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Why shouldn't you buy your drugs under a tree??
It looks too shady.
narwaffles ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 13:25:04 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Your mom!
TioHoltzmann ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 13:26:19 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Anytime someone mentions seeing a Spyder MR2.
Friend: "...yeah, he was driving one of those MR2s."
Me: "em are not!"
copperbricks ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 13:27:06 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
"I'm tired"
"Hi tired, I'm /u/copperbricks!"
Gets me every time
Saib95 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 13:28:07 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
She was ten, we were ten
jackshack88 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 13:28:08 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
A seal walks into a club.
WarpSquid ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 13:29:43 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Why did the mushroom go to the party?
... Because he was a funghi.
sconiate ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 13:32:50 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
the classic: "Do you know what time it is? yeah it's time for you to get a watch.
cflo705 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 13:33:59 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Letting a guy friend do something before I do it and then saying, "Ladies first."
Monaayyyy ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 13:40:38 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
When someone says "I miss you" I say "yeah, I'd miss me too. "
Sisatonia ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 13:41:02 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
If I told you I'd have to kill you.
Minotaurr ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 13:49:57 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
"Hey man, what's up?" "The sky/ceiling/roof/etc."
SpaceAnteater ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 13:51:22 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
A horse walks into a bar.
The bartender says, "Why the long face?"
DeadliestWookie ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 13:52:34 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
"Why did Sally fall of the swings? "She had no arms Knock Knock Who's there? Not Sally
And
A dyslexic man walks into a bra
ihtesham007 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 13:52:44 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
When I got someone so irritated by me and they yelled at me what are you doing a**hole. Computer Engineering you idiot. And now they are more pissed at me
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 13:56:02 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Every time I go to the zoo, I have to use the line, "Precious and few are the moments we toucans share."
313Wolverine ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 13:56:45 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Why did the snowman get an erection?
He heard the snowblower coming.
bamsimel ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 14:00:42 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
What goes ha ha bonk? A man laughing his head off.
Shiranui24 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 14:00:59 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Time for you to get a watch
fratlord69420 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 14:02:06 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Liquor?! I hardly know her!
numberninemac ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 14:02:18 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Whenever people say "Um" I always say "Um is for horses."
obligaterambreather ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 14:05:03 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Nice try dad.
Suphoxy ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 14:05:36 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
At any store.
Helper: "Are you already being helped?"
Me: "For years."
CKnight011 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 14:05:51 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Asking who ever it is behind the counter at the DMV why they only want organs, not tubas or pianos
veedubfan ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 14:10:07 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Every time my 9 and 11yo daughters ask "Daddy, you know what?", I reply with "Chicken butt?" Their reactions started with a giggle in response, then eye rolling, now they just completely ignore it and continue their story.
Dr_on_the_Internet ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 14:10:32 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Whenever ever someone cleans their plate or finishes their meal quickly: "You didn't like it?"
danismurf ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 14:10:45 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Two drums and a cymbal fall off a cliff. BA DUM CH
cquarter ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 14:10:52 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Cashier at a grocery store: "Do you want the milk in a bag?" Me: "no thanks i'll keep it in the jug."
stecal2004 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 14:11:07 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
He's a hard faced bastard he is... Who? The man in the iron mask
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 14:11:12 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Two cannibals are eating a clown, one looks to the other and says, "Does this taste funny to you?"
3asin3speech ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 14:11:54 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
"Hi hungry, I'm Dad"
aix_sponsa ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 14:12:29 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
When leaving a restaurant, to the people entering: "If you felt like I do, you wouldn't be going in there." "Because I'm stuffed!"
I learned this joke from my step-grandpa. As he developed Alzheimer's, he would forget the punchline and just Walk out with no further explanation.
Eidder ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 14:12:29 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
What's the time?
Time you got a watch.
Hahahahahahahahaha
..
lespaulstrat2 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 14:16:31 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Q. Whenever you see ducks flying, they fly in a vee shape but one side is always longer than the other. Do you know why?
A. More ducks in that line.
tuscabam ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 14:16:47 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Hey I read that sticking your finger in your butt will stop hiccups. I don't know if it works but I can tell you it doesn't cause them.
RoosterBoosted ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 14:16:56 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
My surname is Dunn, so whenever someone says 'I'm done!' I without fail reply 'no, I am'
TantamountWings ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 14:17:25 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Replying to people's puns with 'You're so punny'
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 14:17:31 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
"See that cemetery over there? There's people just dying to get in."
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 14:18:01 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
when people comment on how big my feet are.. I say am the guy who disproves the theory.
3o3_Hockey ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 14:20:31 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Whenever someone says "that's actually a good idea", or something similar, I respond "Not to brag, but I did almost get 100 on the IQ test"
ajd011394 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 14:23:32 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
What do you call a woman who sets all her money on fire?
Bernadette!
dgh19811 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 14:24:22 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Horse walks into a bar and the bartender says "Why the long face?"
ProtonMcParticle ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 14:24:34 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Probably going to be buried but ah well.
"A proton walks up to a neutron and says 'I think I lost an electron'. The neutron says 'Are you sure?'. The proton replies 'Yeah I'm sure'.
aleran13 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 14:32:00 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Are you sure that's the punch line? Like positive?
ProtonMcParticle ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:28:35 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
That's the lamest punch line, though.
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 14:25:12 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
"It's so hot in here!" Me: "Sorry"
Mirahtrunks ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 14:25:57 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
"Sooo, how about them Dodgers. I think they're going to go all the way this year."
(Wait for just about any response)
"I'm just kidding, I don't watch football."
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 14:26:29 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
A man uses a lame joke over and over again. Comedians hate him.
philmarcracken ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 14:27:25 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
when i die, i want my coffin to be lowered into the ground by team x, so they can let me down one last time
naut ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 14:27:58 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Whenever my Wife says I'm driving Her crazy, I say it's more of a putt
CasiInAPumpkin ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 14:29:24 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Our family name is the translation to "wet" in our language. So whenever I meet someone who has been out in the rain and tells me they are wet, I tell them "Me too".
Mirahtrunks ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 14:30:01 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I like this Pad Thai but it's a tad pai.
Dhitch727 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 14:30:54 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Anytime somebody trips "Hey, watch out for that extra gravity over there"
hey_now_111 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 14:31:59 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
"That's what she said".
markolli ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 14:33:27 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Hungry Hungarian with a hangover and such...
SmilingDamnedVillian ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 14:34:51 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
In my family we make a point to do family dinners when possible. We have a big meal then all just sit there and talk for awhile with full bellies before clearing off the table. Almost every time, my dad (just like his dad used to do) will wrap up the post meal conversation by saying "welp! Better clean up this mess so we can get dinner on the table!"
harsh_day ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 14:35:14 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
That's what she said.
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 14:35:20 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
When someone texts me " Hey this is Adams number" I always respond " Hi Adams number"
Holier-than-Mao ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 14:35:27 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
My SO: "I'm chilly..."
Me: "I'm Nicaragua!" (My name is Nick)
LorenzoVonMatterh0rn ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 14:38:20 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Whenever someone says anything related to hearing or noise in a conversation when my sister's boyfriend is around he always immediately interrupts with "what?".
jsesdock ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 14:39:24 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
white guy here
saying 'my home' when i drive past cracker barrel
TuesdayMorningCoffee ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 14:39:26 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
When I'm in a car and we pass a field or something with hay in it I'll say, "Hayyyy." To which the person normally says, " Hey what's up?" Back to me. I then point to the bale of hay and say no, hay over there stupid. Also, nothing is wrong with an old skeleton joke. I legitimately still use them and people laugh at them because it's strange for a 24 year old man to say it. Why didn't the skeleton cross the road....? HE DIDN'T HAVE ANY GUTS!! Hehehehe
jewnicorn36 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 14:41:43 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
What did the perverted frog say? Rubbit.
For the climbers... whenever I'm on a climbing trip with trad gear, anything that I would normally call radical becomes tradical
Artbycatania1 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 14:42:12 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
So a dyslexic walks into a bra...
whorfin ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 14:43:32 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Op's mom
ListenToTheStooges ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 14:46:05 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Whenever we go to a sushi bar I always ask if the Godzilla roll is made with fresh Godzilla. Works if you're ordering a dragon roll too.
whattheflipflop ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 14:46:22 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
When someone use the speech filler "but, um.." while talking to me I always say "tsssssssss".
buzz_uk ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 14:46:27 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Q: what do you call a fish with no eyes? A: fsh
Pause and wait or the groan :)
Remintz ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 14:47:44 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Your mom
SloanHobbs ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 14:47:53 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
"Would you like chicken or beef tonight for dinner?"
"Yes"
BeachSandwich ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 14:49:12 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Saying excellent like 'egg-salad'
I don't know why, and it's not even funny. I'm just broken.
Tacocatx2 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 14:51:02 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
What time is it? Time to buy a watch. Because my hubs is always asking me this question.
Roborabbit37 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 14:51:53 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
"You alright?"
"Half"
lucy_inthessky ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 14:52:08 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
A Mexican magician was putting on a show. He said, "On the count of three, I will make myself DISAPPEAR!"
"Uno"
"Dos"
POOF
He was gone without a tres.
TurkeyTit ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 14:52:25 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Whenever someone asks where something is I respond with "I stole it". To date, no one has ever questioned it
MontereyJack144 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 14:52:34 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I'm a guy. Whenever a nurse asks how tall I am, I give them "5'10", but 6'2" in heels."
I've got about a 30% success rate. It turns out making jokes in the emergency room is frowned upon.
ManBearPaul ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 14:52:39 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Anytime someone asks who is being called or who they're going to call... Ghostbusters!
The_edref ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 14:53:30 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Anytime I walk through a shope with someone and we go into the cheese section, I always point at edam and and say "did you know edam is made backwards?" My flat mate liked that joke first time round, then I think he started to hate it for a while, so soon it should be getting really funny
royce416 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 14:53:35 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
It's all shits and giggles until someone giggles and shits.
MushroomCLMF ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 14:54:04 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Guy walks into a bar....................Says ouch!!
Chaoslabrith ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 14:55:49 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
If some one says me to "random question" before they can ask it I always say "random answer" and then proceed to say something random. Like spaghettios
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 14:55:50 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
"I'm off tomorrow." "You're always a little off." I just to it to see if my coworker will still laugh.
papafree ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 14:59:37 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
"I am so hungry, I haven't eaten since the last time I ate"
TomLangford ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 14:59:52 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
On the rare occasions I get a compliment on some physical aspect of my body I will always reply. "Thanks, I grew it myself"
Jyxxe ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:01:17 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Its a little late for a response but still.
My favourite is when I'm at work, dealing with customers, and they apologise for taking so long. My response is always a laugh and a "Don't worry about me, take your time. I get paid by the hour anyways." The idea that I'm being paid to stand there and stare at someone who can't make up their minds never gets old.
Kighla ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:02:47 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Every morning my boyfriend wakes up extremely groggy and asks what time it is, and I respond with "Time to get a watch"
He hates it. He usually responds with "I'm going to fucking kill you, just tell me the time" to which I usually respond "Iiiiiiiiiiiiiit's 7 o'Time to get a watch"
downedgunn ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:05:22 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
...and the I said "rectum?... damn near killed em"
qubist1 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:07:02 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
When someone mentions Rhode Island: "Well, is it a road, or is it an island?"
phroek ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:10:19 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Whenever someone says something is intense, I say... "just like my last camping trip."
No but seriously, I need to fucking stop. It's getting out of hand.
marcusofborg ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:10:41 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
How do you think the unthinkable?
With an ithberg.
kitkatrat ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:11:16 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
" I knew from the minute she walked through the door that she was in my office..."
J_n_CA ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:11:59 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
That's what she said.
Teddybomb ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:12:12 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)*
In dutch alot of people use double negatives
"Aren't you going to eat that cupcake?"
to wich some people reply, "no, you can have it." wich is common but incorrect.
I would reply with "yes" get a quizzical look and then to break the awkward moment say "yes, I don't want the cupcake"
Edit removed a '?'
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:33:55 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Hey, that's my ice cream cone! Now let em have it! You can have it!
vcguitar ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:13:26 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
That's what she said
someonethatiusedtobe ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:14:10 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
"Oh my god!"
"You can call me someonethatiusedtobe"
the_deepest_toot ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:15:32 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Did you hear about the sale on corduroy pillows?
It made the headlines.
THE_GR8_MIKE ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:16:43 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I don't have an accent but if I had one and someone said they loved it I'd say I was working on it since I was little.
boognish523 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:17:53 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Every time someone asks me "How are you?" or "How's it going?" I say, "Well...?" and leave it at that. They generally expect something to follow like "Things are OK" or "I'm doing alright". It creates a fun awkward silence, which just escalates if you can keep a straight face.
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:20:44 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I wait for New Years.
"Hey [Coworker], I haven't seen you since last year!"
brandonw49 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:22:30 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I've got a yearly tubing trip that I go on with friends. Inevitably, at some point, an unopened beer will get dropped or fall out of cooler and float away. Every time I scream "WILSONNNNNNN!!!!!!!!" line the scene in Cast Away where Tom Hanks tragically loses his volleyball. I think it's comedic gold. No one ever laughs....
Legion37 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:24:31 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Changing the hyphen in words ending in "-ass".
"That's a nice -ass car!" "Nice ass-car?"
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:28:46 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Nice ass, car.
bad_pseudonym ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:24:59 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Someone broke into Bill Gates' house.
He had to reinstall windows.
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:26:52 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
When someone gives me something without me asking for it (like a server and a napkin,) I always smile and say,
"Aww thanks, but I didn't get you anything."
boognish523 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:26:59 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
When someone says "OK, so...." I reply with "That's Mexican cheese!"
Txfirefighter95 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:27:03 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
"How do you sell a chicken to a deaf person?"
"How?"
"DO YOU WANNA BUY A CHICKEN?!"
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:27:06 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
When someone compliments my perfume, "Thanks! It's called 'Come To Me', does it smell like Cum To You?"
Duarch ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:27:32 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Two whales are at a bar.
Whale 1: Ooooooooooooooooooaaaaaaaaaaaawwwwwwwoooooooooooeeeeeeeeeeooooooooooooowwwwwwwwwwwwwwweeeeeeeeoooooooo
Whale 2: Shut up Frank, you're drunk.
ZeeWolfman ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:28:11 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
"What did the pirate say on his 80th birthday?" "AYE MATEY!"
dman4514 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:28:22 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Three guys walk into a bar. The fourth guy ducked.
HijoDeFootspa ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:29:58 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
What did the fish say to the fisherman when it was caught?
Nothing, because fish can't talk
sirbroseiden ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:30:11 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Whenever someone asks where the bathroom is, I tell them it's the room with the toilet in it. Nobody laughs, but I love it.
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:30:54 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
A llama says to the other llama, want to go on a picnic? The first llama then says, 'alpaca' my lunch!
maumacd ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:31:08 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Oh hey guess what?
CHICKEN BUTT
Recently taught to my 3 year old. NO REGRETS! ANOTHER GENERATION BEGINS!
boognish523 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:31:10 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
What does Bruce Lee order at Burger King?
WAAAAPAAAAHHH!
What does he get to drink?
WAAATAHHH!
HoshiMaster ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:31:29 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Two deer walk into a bar. The first deer says, "Hey, you wanna go to a party?" The second deer says, "I'm game!"
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:32:47 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
When someone says something sucks, I immediately say, "You know what else sucks? Vacuum cleaners."
queenblister ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:36:46 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Non-suspecting bystander: that is intense Me: you know what else is in tents? Still non-suspecting bystander: No, what? Me: camping... (always with a stupid smile on my face)
HardR51 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:37:19 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Every time my grandpa and I would drive over train tracks, he would say "You know how I know a train came through here?.......because it left it's tracks. EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
MrxHumtar ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:40:52 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
"I'm gonna run to the store"
"Well it'd be faster if you drove"
owlesque5 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:42:09 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I train education owls at a wildlife center, and one of the ones I work with is a one-eyed great horned owl. I'm constantly making the same stupid jokes:
"She's keeping her eye on you...just the one, though."
"Training is going well; she's so great!...and horned."
Plus as many owl puns as I can come up with. "Just gonna wing it," "she's so talon-ted," etc. I'm awful and should be ashamed of myself, but I'm just so amused by puns.
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:42:44 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
whenever I crack a lame joke, and someone comments "hey that's so lame", I'll go "yeahh I know. I broke my leg prior"
ยฏ_(ใ)_/ยฏ
flintybaby11 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:43:02 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
GAYYYYYYYY from Community
i_cri_evertim ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:43:38 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
What noise does a Mexican duck make?
Guac!
kirbysag ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:43:44 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Bees?
lakesObacon ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:44:16 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I got them all cut!
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:44:54 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Whenever someone says they can't do something, or I can't do something, I respond with "Not with that attitude"
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:47:08 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
My name's not Shirley.
CallMeChasm ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:48:07 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
How to wok your dog a Chinese cookbook.
gezmaestro ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:49:05 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
When the cashier at McDonald's asks me if I'll "Eat here", I like to reply with "No thanks I'll sit at a table instead"
adityakartik98 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:51:20 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
You just shook my right hand
Padulsky21 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:51:47 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Whenever someone says "it's hot out here" I say "sorry"
aechxavior ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:52:15 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Your mom.
TurdFerguson495 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:53:24 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Why couldn't the two melons officiate their wedding? Because one Cantaloupe
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:54:18 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
What do you call a cow that can't produce milk? An udder failure.
TheRealBrosplosion ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:00:08 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
What's the difference between an enzyme and a hormone?
You can't hear an enzyme.
nbqt2015 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:03:59 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Husband: nice ass!
Me: thanks I grew it myself!
Husband: really?
Me: well, my mom helped.
jsmalley711 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:05:32 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Whats the only thing wrong with that (insert Object)? Its not mine.
Ex. Whats wrong with that car over there? Its not mine.
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:06:09 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Did you get a hair cut?
No, I got them all cut! Then I wink and everybody groans, lmao.
tropod ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:06:47 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Them: What are you doing?
Me: I'm doing fine.
Them: I said WHAT are you doing.
Me: I heard what you said.
Xnense ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:07:57 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
My almost late sixties teacher has been using the same joke since he was 10. It goes like this, you tell someone you have a knock knock joke and have them start it. Then when you reply "who's there?" they are dumb founded and don't know what to say. I've been using it on people here and there myself now and I plan to do so for the rest of my life like he has.
thesearenotthehammer ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:08:05 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
A baby seal walks into a club.
mht03110 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:08:17 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
So, how about that airline food? It's pretty plane... But it still gets me high
epicolocity ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:09:08 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Guess what? Chicken butt.
Me and my friends used this joke so much when we were 12 that i developed an instinctual reaction to say "chicken butt" whenever someone says "what?"
the_man_Sam ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:12:34 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
"Hey dude what's up?"
"Oh ya know, the ceiling"
Interchange with sky/clouds if outdoors
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:13:15 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Knock Knock...
toxixvdamme ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:23:37 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
My favourite is still:
'What do you call a Mexican peeping Tom?'
seรฑor Minge...
SpuddyDK ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:24:27 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Whats the difference between snot and broccoli?
Kids don't eat broccoli.
Or
Two bats went looking for food, one returns with blood around his mouth. The other asks "why is you mouth all bloddy" and he replies "can you see that tree?" "Yeah." "well i couldn't.!"
XxX_SWEGMASTER_XxX ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:24:56 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
i always shout "born those motherfuckers!!" because of bf4
Laimeelaimee ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:25:52 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
pretending I'm walking downstairs for the benefit (hilarity!) of someone on the other side of a short wall, counter, shop window, etc.
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:26:34 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Knock Knock,
Who's there?
Needap
Needap-who
very childish but is still hilarious for me
ShintakiShrooms2002 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:26:43 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Fuckboii: babe do you know how big my dick is?
Girl: yeah I heard they named a HUGE company after it.
Fuckboii: what?
Girl: Microsoft.
stormycloudysky ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:27:09 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
My SO's grandpa had a lot of good ones. My personal favorite is: " Her ears were like petals...bicycle pedals." It's funnier said out loud.
Ubahootah ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:31:55 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
"I like your [article of clothing]."
"Thanks, I do too. That's why I wear it."
OrionSuperman ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:34:10 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
After making a corny joke and getting the groan I always follow it up with "Don't worry, I'm so corny you'll see me again tomorrow".
IamP3rry ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:34:52 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Did you hear about corduroy pillows? They are making headlines!
freet0 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:35:52 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
"Is it sunday?"
"All day!"
catsandshoelaces ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:39:22 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
You can call me whatever you like, just don't call me late for dinner.
huttsack ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:40:50 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Any time some one tells a joke responding with a straight faced "I don't get it, will you explain it?" Works wonderfully on racist or sexists jokes.
CaigeSpade ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:41:40 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Friend: "Oh my God!"
Me: "Yes my child?"
Legownz ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:42:11 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I love telling the really lame nerd joke that my Physics teacher made. It was literally the first day of school and he was doing a demonstration with thermal expansion. So he had to take out this big laser and the cardboard box it was in had the words "Death Ray" written on the side of it in Sharpie.
Laughed my ass off in the back of the class and no one else understood why.
SmallTownJerseyBoy ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:42:15 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Two gay guys are having sex when their house catches fire. Who survives?
The guy on bottom cause he already had his shit packed.
Eyerolls for days!
XDiator ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:47:20 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Word puns.
"Jiu jitsu? I love that kind of dog."
HungarianHammer21 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:51:27 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
So, a dyslexic man walks into a bra...
phyrephawckce ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:51:31 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I'll never stop using your mom.
DontShowMyFriends ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:53:28 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I'm ______
Hi _____ I'm {my_name}
Eg;
I'm hungry!
Hi hungry in {my_name}
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:56:59 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
!RemindMe 1 day
TheQuantumiser ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:57:10 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
If someone in the office says 'Jesus Christ' or 'Dear God' etc. I'll pop my head out of my cubicle and answer as if they'd addressed me personally. Unfortunately there's now two or three of us who will do this a couple of times a week each so it's starting to get a bit old.
Ilovegnomes ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:58:36 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
How did you and your boyfriend meet?
Well, we met in physics, but we had chemistry.
Almost five years later, and I still think it's hilarious. My boyfriend thinks it's terrible.
whalepranks ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:59:35 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
"Where are you going?" "Crazy, wanna come?"
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:03:46 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I work at Pizza Hut and whenever someone comes to pick up an order, my boss says, "can you grab Michelle from the warmer?" I open up the warmer and go, "Michelle? You in here?" Gets a laugh a quarter of the time.
cointacks ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:04:06 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
"Why did snoop dogg need an umbrella?"
"Fo' drizzle"
ReverseGusty ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:06:24 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
"You're funny... Funny looking"
Nobleitguy ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:07:53 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Keepo
Surpriseyouhaveaids ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:07:55 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
What's brown and sticky? A stick
Spwaaa ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:09:01 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
When someone asks me "What's up?" I always respond with "Gas prices." Every time. It's old, but it still makes me laugh.
bwcislo ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:10:58 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Whats green and smells like red paint?
Green paint
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:11:52 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
When someone says their mom is dead after you say something about her just say "so that's why she wasn't moving last night".
dsgiv ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:14:40 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
when leaving from somewhere, "let's make like a fetus... and head out"
Joshawa119 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:15:11 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Two drums and a cymbal fall off a cliff
Ba dum tss
heyyougamedev ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:16:57 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Your mom jokes never get old.
txkx ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:21:22 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Them "you need a haircut" Me "you need your throat cut"
theravenstag ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:23:13 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
"If you need the loo before I shower speak now or forever hold your piss."
And then when I actually go:
"Toodaloo!"
byecyclehelmet ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:23:36 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I have terminal brain cancer. LOVE ETHYL
๐๏ธ wonderingtumbleweed ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:00:20 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
r/oldpeoplefacebook
Shannon_WhatAGuy ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:29:09 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
OP's mom
-sick_sad_world- ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:32:15 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Any joke that is full of ableism.
[sarcasm]
Pepper_Y0ur_Angus ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:35:48 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
How many SUH dudes does it take to change a lightbulb?
None, cause it's already lit, fam!
djfishfingers ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:36:04 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Changing batteries on the forklifts at work. I tell people ''This battery might be free, but it will always charge''.
Steve_McSteveface ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:36:05 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Knock knock Who's there? A guard! A guard who? https://youtu.be/VKmG6zkADW8
lukasden1 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:37:09 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Your mom
the_orange_owl ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:38:06 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
What's better than tomatoes?
Three-matoes.
mrmetaknight875345 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:38:38 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Hey is there Updog in there?
๐๏ธ wonderingtumbleweed ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:59:21 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Whats updo... not so fast
mrmetaknight875345 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:12:14 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I had never heard that joke until this video
Humblepoptart ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:39:01 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
When driving a car with a passenger, ill put it in reverse and say "this takes me back" as I back out of the driveway.
B-Sproutzz ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:39:21 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
How come black people are so tall?..
Because their knee-grows
x3volv3x ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:39:42 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Ur mom likes dick
PoeticMadnesss ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:41:33 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I'm writing a book on mediocrity. It's okay.
CaliMade19XX ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:42:31 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
When someone says "I'm a Pro!" And you say "A pregnant, retarded ostrich?"
NotThisFucker ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:43:54 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
My friends have started playing poker a lot.
"Hey, what are the hands again? I can never remember them."
"Well you've got your left one and your right one, and not a whole lot in between."
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:45:19 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Vastly over or underestimating the amount of things in a situation.
Like, "Oh man that building is huge! It's, like, at least three of me, right?"
ilovebeermoney ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:47:23 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
You're pretty..... Pretty ugly Or You're funny..... Funny looking
Los_polloshermanos ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:47:33 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
What's green and has wheels? Grass. I lied about the wheels.
StarryKnightTyrone ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:47:59 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
"Chuck Norris" jokes
mrglass8 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:48:34 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Pretty much any play on the word "cool" or "chill"
WaterlooSunjet ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:50:50 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
In the UK we pronounce khakis the the same as car keys. So if anyone mentions their car keys I say "but you're wearing jeans"
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:52:14 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Person: what's up?
Me: the sky. (or ceiling if it's indoors)
jheronimous ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:53:35 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
What do you call a boomerang that doesn't come back?
A stick!
I tell this almost every day.
Paffmassa ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:55:47 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Wife: Would you stop it? Me: I'll stop you if your not careful.
Wife: what the hell are you doing? Me: I'll do you if your not careful.
She doesn't see the humor in it.
Flutterwander ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:57:52 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
When encountering a two-word phrase that strikes me as funny, for example "Salty Snacks," I will just say 'I used to dance under the name ______ _____." It's a stupid joke.
I also still use "This is that party at Andy Dick's house all over again." on occasion, even though no one knows who the fuck Andy Dick is anymore.
donald_cheese ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:00:37 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
When it's raining and I'm outside with someone I say "well at least it's not raining"
ocktavian66 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:03:04 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
"Guess What?"
"Chicken Butt"
Normastro ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:03:30 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
You know what sucks? Vacuums.
mistermannequin ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:05:53 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
When people ask if I've heard of something, and I have, I'll describe it in as much detail as I can then say, "Nope; never heard of it."
Hilarious to me every time.
JUST4EARNING ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:07:50 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
A man asks a farmer near a field, โSorry sir, would you mind if I crossed your field instead of going around it? You see, I have to catch the 4:23 train.โ
The farmer says, โSure, go right ahead. And if my bull sees you, youโll even catch the 4:11 one.โ
Biff_Tannen82 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:08:23 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
What does the enterprise and toilet paper have in common?
They both circle Uranus getting rid of Klingons.
scora3 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:09:53 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
When opening a fortune cookie, "Help, I am trapped in a fortune cookie factory. " - one of my Dad's classics and I continue the tradition in his memory. Everytime.
gingerninja361 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:10:31 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I work at a sandwich place and we have au jos (pronounced ah jew) dipping broth for our french dips. Whenever anyone says it I always say "bless you"
thricecheck ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:13:36 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Do you know the difference between jelly and jam?
I can't jelly my dick in your ass.
BayouCityBengal ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:14:10 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
A three-legged dog walks into a bar and says, "I'm looking for the man that shot my pa (paw)."
Shreevy ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:15:19 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Knock knock Who's there I eat mop I eat mop who
Was a reddit find and now my 5yos favourite joke.
ericahopers ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:23:39 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
i live in the midwest and whenever i seen hay bales i point and them and yell "Hay!!"
even when i am by myself i still find it hilarious
Lsfb1989 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:24:06 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
What kind of bees produce milk? Boobies!
MermaidAesthetic ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:24:25 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
"Where was the Magna Carta signed?
...AT THE BOTTOM."
(It was signed at Runnymede, and if memory serves the signatures are all over the document. But I tell it whenever I can. I'm a historian. I tell it a lot.)
willahman ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:26:39 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
When ever some I am talking to looses their train of thought and says "what was I saying?" I always reply "You were Telling me all of your banking passwords and info"
SLEEPWALKING_KOALA ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:29:52 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
"My ex-wife still misses me..."
"BUT HER AIM IS GETTIN' BETTER!"
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:30:43 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Maybe i am a bit late but whenever someone says or write "lol" i always add "ipop", i know it's supposed to be two "l", but still pretty fun ๐
Helene796 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:30:58 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
When I worked retail and the shirt had the company name on it: "Do you work here? No I just wear this shirt because it's so stylish"
B0mb-Hands ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:31:32 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Anytime i change the mannequins at my work, I take an arm, turn to whoever is working with me and say "need a hand?" then I take the head, turn to them again and say "dont get....ahead of yourself"
They laugh each time because its such a stupid joke
MistaJenkins ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:32:59 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Whenever I am displeased with someone's actions: "Thanks, I appreci-hate it!"
prizefyter ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:34:49 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
"Did you hear So-and-So died?"
"I hope so, they buried 'em!"
pcdrafts ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:34:55 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
you know me and president have are same in rank he never comes to my house and i don't go to his.
isaksenreyt ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:40:52 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
your mom.
Flanker87 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:41:41 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Person: Hey! did you get a hair cut? Me: Nope! I got them all cut
SirJaycub ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:45:57 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
"Man its hot in here" "My bad its cause i walked in."
Albert_Caboose ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:46:05 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
"guess what"
"what"
"chicken butt"
Leafygoodnis ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:47:04 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
"Hey, should I get this item off the menu?" "Yeah. Make like a ground squirrel and gopher it."
People hate me when I use this
kuug ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:48:36 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
That's what she said
Grandraine ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:50:04 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I use a quote from the Office that's one of my favorites but no ever chuckles at it. "Ahh, I feel weaker than yesterday. Like Benjamin Button in reverse."
ChittyShops ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:51:41 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
What did one snowman say to the other? Smells like carrots...
ColinW0805 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:53:17 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I have a dog named Tucker. Whenever he's sleeping, I always say, "He's tuckered out."
Dirty-Freakin-Dan ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:53:30 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
you: "I have a great knock-knock joke, but you have to start it"
victim: "ok, Knock knock"
you: "Who's there?"
confusion ensues
PuzzledKitty ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:54:08 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I heard that the police arrested a musician for assault and battery.
Apparently he never thought about anything but violins.
redsoxsa ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:57:20 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I don't have a chip in my card, but I've got one on my shoulder
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:59:01 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
That stupid joke from HIMYM where you salute and say "corporal punishment" or "general ruckus"
NugsandHugs ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:05:27 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Usable for most preferences but I'll use tomatoes.
Me: you want tomatoes on your sandwich? Person: nah, I'm not a big tomato fan. Me: well how do you feel about small tomatoes? Person: -_-
LionWaffles ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:08:48 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Me: "Why did the turtle cross the road?" Someone: "To get to the other side?" Me: "Nope! To get to the Shell Station!" Hahahahahahahgaahahahahahehekdjrowodk and
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:10:16 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Roses are red violets are purple im colorblind so fuck you
Sunny_Olives ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:10:41 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Your mom
HeyJudeWhat ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:12:43 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Math joke that no one thinks is funny or gets until I explain it but I still do it. "What's a really big number?" "What?" "7!" Said very enthusiasticly swinging my arm. Or "13!" If you really want to impress them.
Olysucksbutimstillhe ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:12:48 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
What do dyslexic zombies eat?
Brians.
I'll see myself out (so I can tell it somewhere else)
Liniis ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:14:02 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
"... so then I said 'That's not a X, that's my wife!"
Whenever someone walks into the room.
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:14:41 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
"I studied abroad in XYZ country" "What was her name?"
If it makes sense now it will make dollars later
A guy walks in to a bar, he says ouch
You know what happens when you assume? It makes an ASS out of U & ME
IronedSandwich ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:16:48 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
not quite the same but I will stop baneposting when my fingers fall off
CrunkleRoss ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:16:52 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Server "you can pay me when you're ready" Me. Will next month be OK I'm a little short this month?
fluffyfoxes ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:17:07 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Did you hear about the cheese factory explosion?
There was da brie everywhere
crossflip ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:18:02 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
A crow is flying.
It lays an egg, but the egg doesn't break.
Why?
The crow was wearing underpants.
CrunkleRoss ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:21:20 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Watch that last step. Me...as I bend over glaring intently at the step "what's it gonna do?"
InterdimensionalTV ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:23:37 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Two guys walk into a bar, the third one ducks
original_wammer ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:24:10 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I got a couple. I have a friend who's last name is Hurd so when ever two people are talking to each other and one says "I heard." I'll always say "No. HE Hurd. You Peter." Also my name is Kane and I love playing DND, Rifts and the like so the word arcane comes up alot and when it does I say "arcane what? Are Kane hungry? Happy? Sad?" Its funny to me and that's all that matters.
Mitcheli1 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:25:16 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
This man walks into a bar with two Bananas in his ears.
Bartender says "Hey buddy, what's up with the Bananas?"
The man says "What?"
Squirrel-Squirrel ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:29:12 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
When I'm out and about I say "That's a gutter that is", and when people ask what is upsetting I point to a piece of guttering on a building
olddirtdoggg ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:29:46 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
At work: can I get a hand? I start clapping. Something doesn't fit" try spitting on it"
Djdanny90999 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:29:48 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I always say thats what she said
migali ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:34:42 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
"Diarrhea is genetic. It runs in your genes" - Last of Us
yodoggo3 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:38:27 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Jesus i'm late to this thread but a fun one is to say "A" like you're trying to get someones attention, then when they reply you continue with "B,C" ect.
Tolks4 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:39:53 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Driving over train tracks and look over to the passenger "hey, do you know how I know a train has been through here?"
"No, how?"
"It left its tracks"
Engardia ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:41:06 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
All the time when I accidentally rhyme- "Wow! I'm a poet and didn't even realize!"
Gregrox ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:42:23 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
"What's up?"
points away from the ground
Anansi3003 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:49:52 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
i alwas say, "its the most i could do" instead of " its the least i could do"
people really dont suspect it, and i find it funny, especially if it was a miniscule favor etc.
sammyruntz ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:55:11 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
No matter the situation, I will sometimes say to my friends "But her aim is getting better!". Sometimes I wonder why I have no friends.
Hotel_Arrakis ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:59:32 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
q: How did captain hook die? a: Jock itch
Hotel_Arrakis ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 20:00:31 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Interrupting cow
Inter....
MOOOOOOO
Shrugged91 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 20:01:16 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
What drink has an age limit? 7 & up. my partner has gone blind from rolling her eyes so much.
Racing2733 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 20:02:00 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Did it hurt when you fell from heaven?
'Cause you appear to have significant facial trauma.
Tim-sensei ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 20:22:17 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
What's green and have four wheels? It's grass, I lied about the wheels
ShowerSpouse ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 20:28:47 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Whenever the clerk at the liquor store asks if I'd like a receipt I always reply with "no thanks I don't plan on returning it."
Nobody ever laughs.
godjronnie ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 20:39:44 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Finger pistols.
deadcat ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 20:48:29 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
"dad I'm bored" "Hi bored, I'm Dad"
PinkSatanyPanties ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 21:03:32 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Whenever someone asks what time it is I answer "yes."
MuchBiggerInRealLife ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 21:04:43 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Whenever I play a par 3 I ask "what's par?" on every single hole.
dan105 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 21:22:12 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
My ex-wife still misses me, but her aim is getting better!
Tofuofdoom ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 21:29:55 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
"Hey, can you remind me to get groceries tomorrow?"
"Sure. Hey man, you need to get groceries tomorrow"
dopeharem ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 21:29:57 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
That's what she said.
dopeharem ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 21:29:57 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
That's what she said.
Nukumai ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 21:30:44 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Could you call me a cab?
Sure. In fact, if you were better looking, I'd call you a hansom cab.
DeQuan7291 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 21:33:39 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Why was the rubber band gun confiscated from math class?
Because it was a weapon of math disruption.
TripperDay ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 21:37:42 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
You can keep using "That's what she said" jokes by substituting "I've heard that before".
Jeepqueen ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 21:42:54 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
"Wood PC" whenever somebody doesn't load into a game
Bennypp ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 21:51:05 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
What lame joke will your mum never stop using?
bob_hopeful ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 21:55:23 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Knock knock.
Who's there?
Go fuck yourselves.
leypb ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 22:01:35 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Whenever a friend/family member/anybody walks into someone or is in the way (even if they aren't really) I'll always say "sorry about him/her"
My friends hate me for it
kimby610 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 22:22:42 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Have you seen the award winning cows?
What award did they win?
Out'standing' in their field!
lolmaniac32 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 22:54:50 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)*
I always bake my food at 420 degrees. Because it's the perfect bakin temperature.
Jokes with myself are still jokes. Right?
Guardianofnature ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 23:04:57 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
"Would you like coffee or tea?"
"Yes"
LyncisM8 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 23:21:23 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
"Hi hungry I am Lyncis"
homiej420 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 23:22:39 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
When ever someone says something along the lines of "oh thats crazy" or "oh thats a firetruck" i say youuuure a firetruck or whatever it was.
I love it and fuck the haters
ShotgunJib ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 23:35:19 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
When people greet me they usually say "Hi Jack." My typical response is "You can't say that on a plane."
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 23:35:30 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
"Guess what?" "What?" "Good guess"
KyleTheRaccoon ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 23:42:51 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Badger Badger Badger Badger Badger Badger
Smithy_T ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 23:43:07 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
When someone is frantically looking for something...I love to yell "HERE IT ISN'T!!!"
Dr_Moumantai ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 23:54:58 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
"What do you have against XXX?" "Nothing effective!"
Chili_Maggot ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 23:56:45 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
"Hey, what time is it?"
"Oh about t-"
bursts out of crowd "TIME FOR YOU TO GET A WATCH AHAHAHAHA"
Tauva101 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:05:50 on August 22, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
"I'm adjective"
"Hi adjective"
0rthoff ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:27:57 on August 22, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
"What's up?"
"Gas prices"
I hate myself
Bryaxis ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:50:31 on August 22, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Whenever someone starts a comment with "Welp, time to __________", I reply, "Many welps! Handle it!"
mcasper96 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:58:44 on August 22, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
"Wow. That was intense." "Camping's intense."
newtbutts ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:08:37 on August 22, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Guess what, chicken butt.
goddamit_adam ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:13:34 on August 22, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
what kind of fish is made of 2 sodium atoms? 2Na
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:22:57 on August 22, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
In response to things like "Drive safe!" or "Have a nice time!" I like to say "I wasn't going to, but now I will." It always gets a chuckle.
2u3e9v ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:27:08 on August 22, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
"You got a haircut!"
"I got a lot of hairs cut!"
higs87 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:27:16 on August 22, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Why did sally fall off the swing?
She had no arms.
Knock knock.
Who's there?
Not sally!
Why did the plane crash?
The pilot was a tomato.
sirblazealot45 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:47:19 on August 22, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Harambe :(
Shijin83 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:09:24 on August 22, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
So's your face. I generally just say it randomly. Doesn't always stick the landing but when it does its hilarious.
kianotthecar ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:17:11 on August 22, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Lol Ur Mom
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:35:38 on August 22, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Knock-Knock
Who's there?
I eat mop
I eat mop who?
GiftedContractor ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:36:51 on August 22, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
"What's up?"
"It's a direction." or "It's a Disney movie."
Clique988 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:46:59 on August 22, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
"Hi insert name, I'm dad!"
jlenney1 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:18:59 on August 22, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
When People ask where I got my tattoos (i've got alot of them), I look at them with a serious face and say "a tattoo shop" in a serious yet monotone voice
The look on their face each time is great
TaxiSpider ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 21:10:12 on August 22, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Why did the Chicken cultist go to the Seance? To get to the other side.
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:00:44 on August 23, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
guess what chicken butt
Gets em every time
PrismatikTaktik ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:18:59 on August 24, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
"How bout them Royals?"
BettrLookinInTheDark ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 22:55:31 on September 11, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Person: "did you get a haircut?" Me: "nah it grew shorter"
sixthandelm ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 23:29:28 on August 20, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
If I can't find a price tag on something, I always end up saying "this must be free!" Don't know why. I don't even think it's funny anymore and everyone I know has already heard it a zillion times. It's like a reflex.
bulldogfarts ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 01:09:17 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
This is the worst.
062985593 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:42:04 on August 20, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Why did the chicken stop halfway across the road? To get to the other side.
TesticleMeElmo ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 20:05:12 on August 20, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
"Time for your broke ass to get a watch!"
And
"2:30? Time to go to the dentist?"
I'm really corny when it comes to time.
browner87 ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 22:22:24 on August 20, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
All the time?
gtswagboy ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 20:13:34 on August 20, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
When ever someone says legacy I point at my leg and say " this is my leg you see"
diegojones4 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 20:20:50 on August 20, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Them: How are you doing?
Me: Much better now that I've seen you.
amirtaghan ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 22:33:25 on August 20, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
When people ask the time. My reply is ALWAYS "time you got a watch"
Sweetwill62 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 22:42:00 on August 20, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
What is a pirates favorite letter? Generally the person guesses R. You think it be R but it be da C.
venmpwr ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:59:46 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
What do you say to a woman with two black eyes? Nothing, she's already been told twice.
mcampo84 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:06:17 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Them: "Did you get a haircut?"
Me: "No, I got them all cut."
๐๐๐
FurryWolves ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 11:27:50 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
When the cashier can't find the price on the item.
"Huh, guess it's free."
PM_ME_YIFF_PICS ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 10:46:52 on August 29, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Please stop. As a cashier at my previous job I got that joke 100 times a day and made me want to take up doing heroin and kill myself
[deleted] ยท -1 points ยท Posted at 19:38:25 on August 20, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
When the wife goes out with her friends, I always remind her to 'show her ring...' before adding '...the ring your finger, you dirty girl!'
I'm basically very childish, but she loves all my kidding about!
Vinyl_Purest ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 00:19:16 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I dont understand, what other ring would she show people?
chugmilk ยท -1 points ยท Posted at 19:26:09 on August 20, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Idk about joke, but I'll never stop using OP's mom.
EiB_LT ยท -1 points ยท Posted at 22:29:25 on August 20, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
describing the act of having sex with a girl who has been with another man as "stirring his porridge"
kerplunkerfish ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 01:29:34 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Your mom.
geared4war ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 11:04:20 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I don't have a mom. Me and my dad share yours.
22-Faces ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 04:12:48 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Your mom.
wagonboss ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 04:16:35 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
When someone is singing, I ask who's song is that? After the reply, well let 'em sing it!
Lol
dashard ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 04:36:30 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Q "Why is a mouse when it runs?"
A "Because the higher it flies the much."
I used to tell this to my kids with the intro of "Wanna hear a joke?"
When they were little and clearly perplexed by not only the lack of humor but also language structure, I would make a show of explaining it, culminating with "maybe you'll get it when you're older."
My kids are 24, 21, 19 & 17 now and I'll still occasionally visit this idiocy. They humor me with an eye-roll or sad shake off the head. But the reaction to this one never fails to humor me.
marcusofborg ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 15:06:07 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
When someone says "you good?"
"I'm the best."
[deleted] ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 15:09:26 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Can February March?
I dunno, but April May!
To clarify, this is not made up by me
NeeLynnO ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 15:13:30 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
"Two pretzels walk down an alley, one was a salted" :p
Heero_my_pikachu ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 15:15:34 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Friend: Did you know that the sun is a star?!
Me: I'm aware. A werewolf! ;D
ballercaust ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 15:16:02 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Every time my girlfriend complains that "it's cold in here," I never get tired of telling her that "it must be all the Toros in the atmosphere. "
shankubruv ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 15:16:18 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Why can't Orphans play baseball? Because they don't know where home is!
jeezluizz110 ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 15:16:19 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
"Jeez my (insert body part here) hurts!"
"Does your face hurt?"
[deleted] ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 15:16:55 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
When someone says "I'm hungry" I'll always say "Hi hungry! I'm ExtremeKiwi22!"
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:31:32 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
That's actually your name?
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:01:47 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Ya, I really enjoy going by my middle name
SpacepopeIX ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 15:17:20 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Do you know why people love corn? Because it's amaizing!
JuanJuanJuan234 ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 15:22:47 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
What's green and has four wheels? Grass. I lied about the wheels.
JuanJuanJuan234 ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 15:28:25 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
My boyfriend does this one every opportunity he gets: Me: so and so drives me nuts! Boyfriend: you know what drives me nuts? Me hips.
SatinSerpent ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 17:59:23 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Your mom.
magerehenk ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 00:46:59 on August 22, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Someone looking for something he lost: "Do you know where it is?"
Me: "yes"
"Where"
"[Insert country we live in here]"
[deleted] ยท -1 points ยท Posted at 22:51:07 on August 20, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
[removed]
kantostartershirt ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 23:31:25 on August 20, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Wow you and KOn88z must be the exact same person WE DID IT REDDIT
serventofgaben ยท -1 points ยท Posted at 13:54:39 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
knock knock
who's there
interrupting cow
interrupti-
MOOOOOOOO
Aaron-93 ยท -2 points ยท Posted at 20:16:33 on August 20, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Why did the carrot do a backflip?
Because the onion ran away with the spoon.
hollowskull100 ยท 9 points ยท Posted at 23:08:55 on August 20, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I don't get it
lordusan ยท -1 points ยท Posted at 01:00:15 on August 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
It's a play on that old nursery rhyme with the cows jumping over the moon.
MasterofYoshis ยท -2 points ยท Posted at 20:45:01 on August 20, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Wanna hear a joke?
Shaquille O Neal's rap career.
nickspeacelily ยท -2 points ยท Posted at 21:50:49 on August 20, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
What's Up? The Sky!
Get's me every time
[deleted] ยท -2 points ยท Posted at 21:55:20 on August 20, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
That's red and bad for your teeth?