This is one of my favorites, and is best told with lots if enthusiasm (as most jokes should be told).
There's a cop on the side of the road, checking for speeders. Car flies by, cop sees 12 penguins in the back of the car. Cop hits his sirens and pulls the guy over.
Runs up to the window.
"What are you doing with 12 penguins in the back of your car!?!?!"
The guy says "...I dunno..."
Cop replies "Well I think you should bring those penguins to the zoo!!!"
"OK" the guy replies.
Next day, cop on the side of the road again. Same car flies by, 12 PENGUINS in the back of the car!! Cop hits the sirens, pulls the guy over, runs up to his window.
"I THOUGHT I TOLD YOU TO BRING THOSE PENGUINS TO THE ZOO!!!"
Guy replies "I ALREADY DID!!! AND NOW WE'RE GOING TO THE MOVIES!"
This joke (with a Rhino instead of penguins) was the first joke I thought of when I saw the title for this thread. So happy it's here.
[deleted] ยท 7 points ยท Posted at 03:59:25 on February 29, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
my teacher is 7th grade told us this joke and i thought it was the funniest t hing i had ever heard. For years i would tell people this joke getting mixed responses. A long time after i think my senior year of high school i saw my 7th grade teacher and i tried to talk to her about the joke and how i've told so many people. She looked at me like i was fucking crazy
A frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller. He can see from her nameplate that her name is Patricia Whack.
"Miss Whack, I'd like to get a $30000 loan to take a holiday."
Patty looks at the frog in disbelief and asks his name. The frog says his name is Kermit Jagger, his dad is Mick Jagger, and that it's OK, he knows the bank manager. Patty explains that he will need to secure the loan with some collateral.
The frog says, "Sure. I have this," and produces a tiny porcelain elephant, about half an inch tall - bright pink and perfectly formed.
Very confused, Patty explains that she'll have to consult with the bank manager and disappears into a back office. She finds the manager and says, "There's a frog called Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know you and wants to borrow $30000, and he wants to use this as collateral."
She holds up the tiny pink elephant.
"I mean, what in the world is this?"
The bank manager looks back at her and says, "It's a knick-knack, Patty Whack, give the frog a loan. His old man's a Rolling Stone."
Thats one of my all-time favourite bits of commentary, the old design of the SCG commentary boxes allowing them to have an almost pantomime atmosphere and of course Kerry's terrible jokes.
What's a pirate's favorite branch of the military?
The arrrrmy?
No, the navy of course
xheist ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 02:02:39 on February 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Rrrrr
You'd think so but they're married to the C
[deleted] ยท 26 points ยท Posted at 15:21:38 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Here's my favorite pirate joke I learned when I was 7:
A young sailor goes to a pub and sees an old grizzled pirate, with a wooden leg, a hook and an eyepatch. The sailor is shocked, and asks the pirate how did he get a wooden leg.
"Yarr, when I was still gettin' me sealegs, I fell off the boat and a shark bit me leg off!"
"And how did you get that hook for an arm?"
"Arrr, when I was an older lad, we attacked a ship and a cannonball blew me hand right off!"
"That's horrifying!! How did you get your eye out? Did you get shot or..."
"Nay... A seagull pooped on me eye..."
"You can lose an eye from seagull poo??"
"Nay, but that was the first day I had me hook for an arm."
[deleted] ยท 12 points ยท Posted at 13:00:48 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
RemindMe! November 25, 2066 "What did the pirate say on his 80th birthday? Aye 'maighty!"
[deleted] ยท 32 points ยท Posted at 10:36:27 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I guess this is G rated - here's my pirate joke:
A pirate walks into a bar and has a steering wheel shoved in his pants. The bartender goes, "What is that?" and the pirate replies, "ARRRR...! It's drivin' me nuts...! (say that part in an accent)
So there was this man in Bulgaria who drove a train for a living. He loved his job, driving a train had been his dream ever since he was a child. He loved to make the train go as fast as possible. Unfortunately, one day he was a little too reckless and caused a crash. He made it out, but a single person died. Well, needless to say, he went to court over this incident. He was found guilty, and was sentenced to death by electrocution. When the day of the execution came, he requested a single banana as his last meal. After eating the banana, he was strapped into the electric chair. The switch was flown, sparks flew and smoke filled the air- but nothing happened. The man was perfectly fine.
Well, at the time, there was an old Bulgarian law that said a failed execution was a sign of divine intervention, so the man was allowed to go free. And somehow, he managed to get his old job back driving the train. Having not learned his lesson at all, he went right back to driving the train with reckless abandon. Once again, he caused a train to crash, this time killing two people. The trial went much the same as the first, resulting in a sentence of execution. For his final meal, the man requested two bananas. After eating the bananas, he was strapped into the electric chair. The switch was thrown, sparks flew, smoke filled the room- and the man was once again unharmed.
Well, this of course meant that he was free to go. And once again, he somehow manages to get his old job back. To what should have been the surprise of no one, he crashed yet another train and killed three people. And so he once again found himself being sentenced to death. On the day of his execution, he requested his final meal- three bananas.
"You know what? No," said the executioner. "I've had it with you and your stupid bananas and walking out of here unharmed. I'm not giving you a thing to eat, we're strapping you in and doing this now." Well, it was against protocol, but the man was strapped in to the electric chair without a last meal. The switch was pulled, sparks flew, smoke filled the room- and the man was still unharmed. The executioner was speechless.
The man looked at the executioner and said "Oh, the bananas had nothing to do with it. I'm just a bad conductor."
Scyrothe ยท 535 points ยท Posted at 01:52:58 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I heard a similar joke, but the punchline was a bit darker; something along the lines of:
Once more, they strap the man into the electric chair, but once more he survives. When the man walks out unharmed, the sheriff draws his gun and shoots the man. Everyone is in shock, but the sheriff just says, "Well the chair was never going to work! He's a bad conductor!"
XelaZero ยท 17 points ยท Posted at 08:17:38 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
They do in most languages. It's only the U.S. that uses the term conductor for a non-driving role. This joke is really funny in French or Italian and Brits will understand it too.
This joke is really funny in French or Italian and Brits will understand it too.
Actually more supprised to hear it works in French and Italian, wouldn't figure using the same word for allowing electricity to pass through, and operating a train as a constant in languages.
It's all derived from the same Latin word, meaning leader/director. I don't know why it's applied to electricity but keep in mind electricity being a relatively recently harnessed phenomenon, and mostly developed by the Western world, it makes sense that the same word is used in each language. Recall that for a very long time, almost all scientific discoveries and congress went through one institute in France.
The train usage is more traditional. The confusion for some American readers is that the conductor, who is legally in charge of the train, doesn't necessarily operate the controls in the front - that's the engineer. In Europe the conductor is both in-charge and the physical driver. In both cases the word is actually being used properly according to its Latin root, for the person in charge, but just with a slightly different job description.
If he was in-charge it was the die-electric part that was bad at conducting :)
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 11:30:28 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Engineers drive trains in the US, and the railroad union makes it weird because it's a protected term. If you are a process engineer, get hired by the railroad to do process engineering things, lord help you if somebody hears you call yourself an engineer.
I mean it's one of the last good unions left, but some guys would pick a fight over this stuff
Yeah the history of the engineering profession is quite interesting in that it now denotes a white-collar office job for the most part, despite it starting out as someone who operates & maintains engines. Of course early steam engines were complicated enough that you did require quite the education and experience to operate them - with the smarts and common sense to be able to be able to make complicated repairs out in the field if necessary.
Marine engineers are a related profession to the railroaders - I've met some amazing marine engineers who are some of the smartest guys I know who can fix or invent all kinds of ingenious stuff. But they wouldn't be considered "professional" engineers by the white-collar types.
[deleted] ยท -4 points ยท Posted at 02:32:45 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
You can always tweak it so it works. Instead of driving the train really fast, he can call him a "guy who operates trains." His job was to take care of the passengers, make sure everything was safe, stuff like that... but he was always urging the engineer to go faster, and would even up the speed himself when no one was looking.
heill ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 04:44:09 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
My middle school band teacher told the same joke, except instead of a train conductor it was a music conductor who kept killing band members who screw up.
This is so weird but I'm a waiter at a restaurant and I overheard bits and pieces of a joke very similar to this except the person was a music conductor who used a machete instead of what they normally use, whenever someone made a mistake he would chop their head off. I never heard the punchline but it has to be the same joke.
How dare you make me read that with my own two eyes
smbfcc ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 18:12:08 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
This is one of my favorite jokes to tell to waste people's time. The first time I heard it the guy telling it went into excruciating detail of where the banana was (like at the tallest tree of the Amazonian rainforest because it's a special banana) I can literally take 30 mins to tell this joke and the look on people's faces when I finish is priceless.
I read it and love it. So I read it out loud to my husband...who fell asleep while I was reading it. So I read it out loud again and midway through he fucking guesses the punchline.....
[deleted] ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 04:50:35 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
So sorry to point out a mistake in this beautiful joke, but if he didn't have three bananas as his last meal, then the meal before that would have been his last meal. There is no way that the train driver didn't have a last meal, unless he hadn't eaten all his life, which we know isn't true because
1) He's old enough to drive trains for a living, and a person cannot survive that long without food,
And 2) It was mentioned in the joke that the train driver had bananas before his last two attempted executions.
Again, so sorry for being a smartass, but I just felt like it NEEDED to be pointed out. I laughed at that masterpiece for a good 10 minutes, and I am not ashamed about it. Thank you.
Conductor (sometimes) refer to the guy driving the train, which is the guy in the story. He's bad at driving and has crashed a few times, so he's a bad conductor.
Scientifically, an electric conductor is something which will allow electricity to pass through. The electric chair didn't work because electricity can't pass through the guy, so he won't die.
To the rest of the people, I know it's the current and voltage and shit and I'm not 100% accurate but that's what you need to know how get the joke.
I used to tell a version of this joke on long trips - I once managed to drag it out to 45 minutes and gave everyone in the story a name starting with the letter "J". I thought it was hilarious!
I remember a similar one. I don't remember it terribly well, so I'll just paraphrase it.
A cellist in the Boston Pops is getting ready to give a concert at Tanglewood, one stormy afternoon in Western MA when a deafening crack of thunder shatters the pleasant afternoon. She runs to the Shed to see what has happened and there, on the lawn, drinking a glass of wine on the scorched lawn is the orchestra leader. Everyone is baffled as to how he has survived, but the veteran cellist says aside, "I always thought he was a terrible conductor."
kiscica ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:44:40 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Only one problem with this joke. The conductor isn't the guy who drives a train. That's the engineer. The conductor makes announcements, opens doors, collects tickets, etc. - basically anything but drive the train.
Thakkali ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 06:11:55 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
The version I heard goes like..
After two failed executions he has a change of heart and becomes a really nice person but accidentally through no fault of his own has another crash involving dead people. But this time he dies in the chair because he is now a good conductor.
I wish I could tell the joke. Unfortunately, I would insist on making a correction to make it accurate. So the guy would confess to being a bad engineer.
Our band teacher would always tell this joke but it was about a band conductor.
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 07:08:09 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
From the last anti joke thread:
A fiftysomething-year-old white man is struggling to meet ends. He currently supports a daughter in college and son struggling with both divorce and the foreclosure of his home. The man, crippled by the recent loss of his adoring wife by cancer and his youngest child, who succumbed to hard drugs and systematic self-destruction, was left completely unable to cope with life itself. At his job as a train operator, he works from dawn to the dead of night and has sold almost all of his possessions in order to support his family. He is determined to see them succeed before he departs from his dreary existence which is the hellish facade called "life." However, the cost of these sacrifices begins to wear on him as he no longer eats properly or sleeps comfortably. It begins to affect his work ethic and one day, he crashes the train; one-hundred and sixty-one passengers were injured, and three children at the front of the train were rendered comatose from the impact. He is promptly sued by the city and asked to resign. After months of zero support from their father, his children begin to fall like flies to their individual hells. His son shoots himself a week after being arrested for beating and raping his ex-wife. The daughter is hospitalized after collapsing from stress and soon drops out of college altogether. She then ceases all communication with the father, most likely to avoid the shame and disappointment which she feels is evident.
The father is soon incarcerated. He has been charged with manslaughter and found guilty. He knows that there is nothing beyond the prison bars and begins to research his own demise.
After several weeks of feigning severe psychosis and homicidal tendencies, it is decided that he is to be executed within a few months by electric chair. This is what the man has been waiting for; an end to this parade of madness and infinite anguish.
When the time comes to die, he is given his final meal. He eats a rosemary chicken, hoping it would taste like the ones his wife used to cook. Unfortunately, as expected, it does not. The meat is both bland and unsavory.
He is forced onto the electric chair and strapped in. It bothers him that there is a piece of chicken stuck between his teeth, which have shriveled and rotted after years of poor maintenance. His throat is dry and he has a sudden pang of thirst to finish what would have been his final glass of water.
As the priest reads to him his final prayers, he suddenly begins to sob uncontrollably. He mourns for his family, who he failed to protect and nurture. He is ashamed by the pain he has caused during his job as a train operator. He thinks back to the time when he was a child, where he sat in a field of soft grass and heard his mother calling in the distance.
A voice calls to his attention. "Any last words?" says the executioner.
The man bleakly stares into the incandescent light bulb which illuminates his throne of death like the halo of the supreme being, casting judgment upon his soul.
"No." says the man, surprised by his own voice. It was frail, and papery, like the rustle of litter being cast aside on a sidewalk.
"Very well." A loud noise emanates within the room as a switch is pulled. The man's constraints tug at his atrophied limbs and worn skin. He clenches his eyes and cries until tears trickle down into his mouth. His last sensation would be the taste of his own cowardice. There is silence which seems to resonate for an eternity.
But then, the man realizes that he has yet to die;
The reason people fry when they're in the electric chair is because we're bad conductors. If we were all made of copper the current would just flow harmlessly through us. I feel like this is some shit that Neil deGrasse Tyson would bitch about on twitter but I'm gonna have to veto this joke, friend.
SALT1NES ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 06:53:56 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
A man walks by a prison when he sees a midget climbing down the barbed wire fence. He says to himself, "Wow, that's a little con descending."
asphaise ยท 2703 points ยท Posted at 17:03:59 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
A blind guy walks into a store and starts swinging his seeing eye dog around his head. An employee comes over and nervously asks if he can help. The blind guy replies "No thanks. I'm just looking around."
Two men meet in a park while walking their dogs and start chatting. They hit it off and after a bit one says to the other "let's going grab a drink in that bar!"
The other says "I'd love too, but I hate leaving my dog outside."
The first man replies, "just follow my lead!" and puts on a pair of dark sunglasses and walks into the bar with his dog.
The bartender immediately stops him and says, "I'm sorry sir, but we don't allow dogs in this bar." the man replies, "this is my seeing eye dog, I need him with me." The bartender lets him have a seat.
The second man decides this is a great plan, and follows suit with his own sunglasses. Again the bartender stops him, and he uses the seeing eye dog line. The bartender doesn't buy it.
"Sir, chihuahuas are not seeing eye dogs!"
to which the second man is incredulous: "WHAT??!! THEY GAVE ME A CHIHUAHUA??"
Funny story! At least funny to me. Our local aquarium had tigers. Don't ask me why it just does. I was watching the tigers with this kiddo with me. There is some kind of service dog walking around the glass. All of a sudden the tiger growls and in two jumps is across the enclosure and jumps against the glass. This poor dog freaked. They had to pick him up and carry him because he froze. I'm going to hell for laughing at that. The juxtaposition of a tiger going after a dog was funny since they aren't normal prey.
MattcVI ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 11:42:22 on February 24, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Dragonai ยท 19 points ยท Posted at 00:07:36 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I spent three whole minutes trying to read this joke to my family, every single time I couldn't make it halfway through the first sentence without bursting out into laughter over and over.
What is it about being blind that makes people want to walk their dogs all the time?
SheeEttin ยท -3 points ยท Posted at 02:27:35 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I'm not typing out the whole joke because I'm on my phone, but the setup is three guys trying to get into a bar with their dogs, so they pretend they're guide dogs. Third guy says, "they gave me a chihuahua?!"
[deleted] ยท 1837 points ยท Posted at 18:19:17 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)*
It's best when you tell this joke to wait an uncomfortable amount of time until your buddy reluctantly says, "...because he's black?" and you quickly reply, "NO! You look for the fresh prints, you racist!"
You're missing half of the cow joke! I saw it on some Reddit thread a while back and it's my favorite now.
What do you call a cow with three legs?
Tri-tip
What do you call a cow with two legs?
Lean beef
What do you call a cow with one leg?
Steak
What do you call a cow with no legs?
Ground beef
Edit: Why am I being downvoted? He freaking misspelled pause...
Edit: I don't care if it's a pun. Pause is not spelled paws. Why am I being blasted for this?
Edit: Is this really happening? Why is it so funny to misspell words? I had to pozz to see if it's a bear. See? I misspell words too, but nobody is laughing. They just keep downvoting me.
Edit: I UNDERSTAND THAT IT'S A JOKE. If you're going to tell a joke, use proper spelling! I'm just pointing out that he misspelled the word.
Edit: "Pun: a humorous way of using a word or phrase so that more than one meaning is suggested." -- Merriam-Webster Dictionary. Do you see anything in there about spelling words wrongly? YEAH...I DIDN'T THINK SO. Thanks for ruining my day Reddit. Downvoting me when you all have lost your FREAKING MINDS.
Edit: I love how people are wondering if English is my first language. Someone misspells a rudimentary word, and they get upvotes. I, on the other hand, have been using nothing but ASTONISHINGLY IMPECCABLE English in all of my comments, and I get blasted. Why isn't anyone asking "Paws Boy" if English is HIS first language? HE is the one who is butchering it.
Edit: Unfortunately, we live in a day where people seem to think that proper English isn't worth the time and effort. The fact that you are all downvoting me shows that you are all invalids. I could spell "pause" in Kindergarten, and you all are hammering me for a simple grammatical correction. This is unbearable.
Edit: Spelling.
Edit: Everybody keeps asking me, "How do you not understand this?" How about I answer that question with another question:
HOW DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THAT PAWS IS THE WRONG WAY TO SPELL PAUSE!!!???
Edit: Somebody actually said this:
HOW DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THAT PAWS IS A HOMOPHONE PUN AND THAT IF YOU SPELLED IT PAUSE IT WOULD NO LONGER BE A JOKE!!!??? It is intentionally misspelled, that is the joke.
This is what I'm talking about! Who in their right minds would intentionally misspell a word?! I just can't. I can't bear with this any longer.
Edit: Punctuation
Edit: I just asked everyone here at the office how to spell pause. Do you know what they said? P-A-U-S-E. I bet you all feel really dumb now. After all of this, you have been downvoting me to oblivion. But guess what! You're all wrong!! This level of ignorance makes me want to claw my eyes out.
Edit: I never thought I would get hammered so much for this. It really killed my day. I'm so glad we have the right to bear arms in this country, because I may need to shoot myself.
IMSamZ ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 03:53:03 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Hey paws a bit guys, give the man a break.
[deleted] ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 01:18:12 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
This is a glorious comment.
[deleted] ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 17:08:48 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
It's like a variation of the "stupid long horses" thing.
[deleted] ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 01:19:15 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
HOW DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THAT PAWS IS A HOMPHONE PUN AND THAT IF YOU SPELLED IT PAUSE IT WOULD NO LONGER BE A JOKE!!!??? It is intentionally misspelled, that is the joke.
I love jokes that set themselves up like this, and you're like, "This is my chance!"
For me, it's on road trips when you see pastures with those round bales of hay, which of course, are illegal. Why you ask? Because the cows aren't getting a square meal.
boomfruit ยท 18 points ยท Posted at 07:12:27 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
My dad instead, whenever he sees hay, shouts "hay!" But of course it sounds like "hey!" so everyone looks around, worried or excited until they realize he's just being a dad.
[deleted] ยท 68 points ยท Posted at 22:31:21 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Also laughed out loud reading this on the toilet. Inadvertently farted very loudly. Boss was in next stall. The rest of the day is going to be uncomfortable.
evictor ยท 39 points ยท Posted at 00:31:27 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
You need to build on this. When you happen to be using the urinal next to him one day start chuckling to yourself. Then once you've established eye contact start shaking your head.
Dominance established. You will be able to come in late on Mondays and leave early on Fridays for the rest of your time there!
[deleted] ยท 8 points ยท Posted at 04:00:12 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
He has no personal boundaries. He's tried to have conversations while I'm on the toilet at work.
I did that once in a relatively full public restroom in an airport. There were a few nervous chuckles in response. I figured that if I was going to make them uncomfortable, I might as well go all out. When I was done, I flushed the toilet and yelled, "Best shit ever!" I left the stall, washed my hands, and skipped out of there with my arms in the air. .
Think of it this way: You'll never be forgotten by those guys. One of them could have made their shitty day at the airport much better and they'll always appreciate it. In another world, you were just another ghost in the bathroom that used a stall, washed their hands, and left, with no impact on each others' existence.
That's what I was going for. When I am gone, the tales of my antics will prevail. In generations, the new tribes of the work will speak in hushed voices about the legend of, "The Victory Shitter."
javrous ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 02:38:57 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
This is ripped off from a top comment one of the other times this question was posted. I know because I also once ripped off this same comment in yet another one of these threads just to see if it would work (it did).
You just got my girlfriend to laugh extremely hard while I'm sitting here not knowing how to say the first word or what it means.... What just happened?
Quixel ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 04:01:11 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
scragar ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 01:31:36 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
A plateau is a flat point found atop a hill or mountain.
Flattery sounds a lot like flatter (more flat) with a typical -y sound to indicate possession of an attribute (flowery for example is having traits of a flower, usually smell, spicy is having traits of spices in flavour, so flattery could be having traits of something flatter).
Thus a plateau is the highest form of flattery (possession of flatness, and not the usual meaning which is to be praised excessively).
The usual quote is "X is the highest form of flattery", where X is whatever someone is engaging in at the time (mimicary, and obession for example are the two most common), so the wrong meaning is usually infered on first reading.
A game warden catches an unlicensed fisherman in the act.
"You're going to pay a big fine for all those fish in your bucket"
But, officer, I didn't catch these -- they are my pet fish and I just bring them here to swim. When they're done they jump back into the bucket.
"Oh really? This I've got to see. If you can prove it, I'll let you go."
The fisherman empties the bucket into the lake and waits patiently. A few minutes go by and nothing happens.
Game warden: So where are the fish?
Fisherman: What fish?
Edit there was already a scarecrow joke.
[deleted] ยท 4448 points ยท Posted at 19:56:16 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Two buddies are returning to the truck after a great day of fishing, when onto the path walks out the game warden. When he asks the men to show him their fishing licenses, one of them takes off running into the wood. After a while the man runs out of breath and the warden catches up to him. The man reaches into his wallet and supplies the warden with a valid license. The warden says "You've got to be one of the dumbest guys I ever met. If you had a license why did you run?" to which the man replies "My buddy doesn't."
mac-0 ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 00:47:56 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Yup. Gets charged for evading a police officer and sent to jail so that his friend won't get fined for fishing without a permit!
mbelf ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:06:59 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Reminds me of the mirror opposite of that joke:
Two best buds are on safari in Africa when their jeep breaks down and they're forced to walk to the nearest village. On their way they accidentally walk into the path of a lion. As the lion sees them one the guys slowly starts changing into his running shoes.
"You're crazy," his friend says, "you'll never outrun a lion."
"I'm not going to outrun the lion," he replies. "I just need to outrun you."
gRRacc ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 07:32:47 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Police in a sleepy town have gotten accustomed to making their quotas by sitting outside the town bar snagging drunk drivers. One night, as everyone is walking out, the cop sees his clear target. The man stumbles out of the bar at closing time, nearly falling flat on his face twice, drops his keys half a dozen times trying to unlock his door. Sat in the passenger seat for a solid minute before realizing his error, repeated the inability to unlock his driver's side door, and finally, was the last person to leave the lot. He barely made it half a block up when the police pulled him over.
The officer gave him a field sobriety test, which he passed with flying colors, followed by three breathalyser tests, all of which came back "0.0".
"I don't get it. I saw you leaving the bar. You were clearly drunk!"
I still got the joke. I think his punchline was better, it takes a little more thought but you still get the idea.
starfirex ยท 10 points ยท Posted at 04:14:28 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I don't think so - the joke is the play on being a designated driver, who is sober. Designated decoy doesn't really have any of that ironic complexity to it, it's just stating the fact. Still works, but it's not as funny.
A person is designated to be the driver. He was designated to be the decoy.
Scumbl3 ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 10:26:56 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Yes, usually someone is the designated driver. That is exactly why it's funnier that someone would be the designated drunk, rather than decoy. The implied dichotomy is the drunk (the person drinking) and the driver (the person not drinking). "Decoy" is accurate, but it's unnecessarily on the nose.
Can't imagine he could be. The joke is that the cop pulls him over because he sees the guy appears impaired instead of the many potentially drunk drivers who aren't acting as if they are.
He pulls him over, because of that, not any poor driving or crime he actually sees committed. He has probable cause for the stop, but no crime has been committed.
As for interfering or obstruction, not really possible because the officer has no proof any other crime was committed.
ocha_94 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 05:03:48 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Wait what's the difference between a field sobriety test and a breathalizer test?
A field sobriety test is when they have you walk straight lines, touch your nose on one foot, follow the finger, etc. A breathalyser is a machine that you blow into that gauges your blood alcohol content.
ocha_94 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 05:30:47 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I legit thought that field sobriety tests only happened in movies. Here in Spain they only do breathalizer tests. Thanks for the info!
IANAL but couldn't the man then be charged with conspiracy to commit a crime? Clearly he had conspired with others to draw the polices attention when they drove drunk.
I'd imagine if there is a video of him in the bar stating "I'm going to distract the cops while you guys drive drunk" then he would get obstruction. But if there is no evidence of it, then he is innocent until proven guilty beyond a reasonable doubt.
If this was reality, the cop would have no grounds. Without a crime he can show being obstructed, the charges would go nowhere. And that kind of charge would open them up for a wrongful arrest lawsuit.
Sorry to be Mr. Suddenly Political over here, but the "police [...] making their quota" as a potentially valid scenario is the real joke here. Really fucking blows my mind, being from Northern Europe.
That said, they absolutely exist for traffic tickets. Some would argue they do for criminal arrests, as well, but I don't think there's ever been any evidence for them.
My dad told me about one time his uncle and father went out fishing, his uncle didn't have a license but his dad did. They ran into a fish warden and his dad took off. He finally slowed down and the fish warden got to him and asked to see his license. He showed the warden his license and asked why he was running if he had a license and all. His response was "It isn't illegal to run is it?"
This actually happened at my old workplace. They employed a few illegal immigrants and someone tipped off the immigration cops so two of them show up at the company yard to take them away. A kid that worked there (about 19 at the time) who is a US citizen told the guys "Alright I'm gonna run, you guys get in your cars and go". Just like he said he takes off running and the two immigration officials chase after him giving the other guys a chance to take off. The guys still lost their jobs because ICE threatened to fine them unless they fired the illegals, but at least they didn't haul the guys off to Mexico.
I did this in europe, on trains. They would often Czech (get it) to see if you had a ticket on your way out of the train station - they seemed to have an eye for tourists. My friend didn't have a ticket, but I did. Of course, the guards were checking people on our way out. So, we had one of those 2-word conversations where we knew we were on the same page; "walk confidently" I said. Meanwhile, I slapped a sheepish look on my face, turned around, and quickly walked back towards the train. Wouldn't you know it, the guards went after me, and my friend walked free.
Two men are walking in the forest and come across a tiger. One sits down and starts putting on running shoes. "What are you doing? You'll never outrun a tiger in those!" "I'm not trying to outrun the tiger."
3 guys go on an epic hunting trip across the states. They are heading home when they get pulled over by a game warden. The game warden pulls back the tarp on the bed of the truck and there are a bunch of animal carcasses under it. He grabs a goose and sticks his finger up it's ass, gives it a big twirl, pulls it out and sniffs it.
"Say fellers, this here goose is from eastern Wyoming. I don't suppose one of you has a goose license from Wyoming"?
"I do"! One of the hunters pulls out his goose license from Wyoming.
Warden grabs a deer from the bed of the truck, sticks a finger up it's ass, swirls it around, gives it a sniff and says. "This Deer is from hunting zone 5 in Montana, don't suppose one of you fellers has a license for Deer in zone 5 of Montana"?
Second passenger shows him his license for deer in Montana zone 5.
The Warden sticks this finger up a giant Alligator's ass, swirls it around, pulls it out and gives it a sniff. He looks at the third hunter and says, "All right, this her gator is from the Florida panhandle, I'm guessing you got a gator license from there"?
"Sure do"! says the third guy, shows the warden and all is clear.
Warden says, "All right fellers, I ain't gonna bother checking any more, you guys seems to be on the up and up, have a nice day. Say, where you from anyways"?
At which the driver jumps out, drops his pants, bends over and spreads his butt cheeks".
You're so smart, you tell us!
sylvaing ยท 1033 points ยท Posted at 00:40:22 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)*
Not really G rated but nevertheless...
A man and a woman went to a fishing trip. The man wasn't feeling well so he stayed in bed while his wife took the boat and went on the lake to read a book. The game warden comes by and seeing all the fishing gears in the boat, asks her for her fishing license. She said it was her husband's gear and she was just reading. The warden says to her it doesn't matter. She has all the equipments on board and could start anytime. The woman then tells him if he writes her a ticket, she would accuse him of sexual aggression. Shocked, the warden why she would do that ?!? She responds that he has all the equipment and could start anytime.
Edit: typos
-o__0- ยท 103 points ยท Posted at 02:05:48 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Wait, does it actually work like that? Like can game wardens give citations even if they don't see you fishing? I get my fishing licence every year but sometimes there will be an early spring and I'll go fishing before getting my license and I always figured if I got caught, as long as they didn't see me with my pole in the water I could just say something like "ya I came here to go fishing but I stopped myself just before casting because I remembered I didn't have my license yet" or some shit like that.
There's no way saltwater is more expensive than a fishing permit. I used to live right next to the ocean. You can literally bring a bucket down to the beach and just scoop the stuff up for free.
They definitely do that but in this case I was thinking in terms of small river fishing. Their uniforms are green for more than just "tree police." I used to be friends with one that would leave his vehicle parked on trout stocking day and creep around in the woods. By the time he came up on you he already knew you had more than your limit even if you were hiding them.
I don't fuck around with licenses. That license fee is a drop in the bucket compared to the fines and ass-pain coming for you if you get caught illegally hunting or fishing. You get caught taking a bear without a license and you'll be lucky if you're not sitting in a cell, nevermind ever getting your firearm/bow back or ever being allowed to hunt or fish again.
I was talking about bank fishing on a river or lake which seemed like what OP was talking about. If you have a rod in your hand even if your line isn't in the water they can make the argument you were fishing or definitely intended to. Then, as I said in another comment, they tend to watch you before they come get you anyway unless you somehow saw them first, which means you'd be crazy to have the rod in your hand without a license anyway.
Having your gear safely stowed in your boat or in your vehicle is perfectly fine. Having it in your hand and then saying "oops I forgot I didn't have a license, I was just about to put this away and leave" when the warden comes up on you isn't gonna fly though.
From my understanding and experience, if you don't have a line in the water you're not fishing.
I grew up fishing with my grandfather. He took me fishing so that any fish that he caught he would say that they were mine and he was just teaching his grandson how to fish. He grew up very rural and pretty much survived off the land, so he never got a license. He would have me watch out for wardens. He taught me if a warden comes by to just bite my line. Meaning if you don't have a line in the water, you're not fishing. I always get my license so I never worried about it. I went fishing with my buddies years later. The warden was approaching us on his boat. I told my buddy, "bite your line." He didn't know what I was talking about. He got caught with his line in the water without a licence. He was all upset about not knowing what I meant. I thought it was fairly obvious. He got fined and I had a good laugh.
[deleted] ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 08:42:19 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
You've never actually been in a position where you needed to get away with something, have you?
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 14:32:29 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)*
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[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:35:03 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Because nobody would believe you if you said that, and it sounds like a lie a child would come up with.
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:48:45 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
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[deleted] ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 22:40:40 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Spoken like someone who has never had to deal with any type of law enforcement.
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 23:06:06 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
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[deleted] ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 23:08:54 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Like
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 23:22:43 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
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[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:32:52 on February 14, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
What are you talking about? I don't give a fuck what your life is like.
Followed by onlookers standing up and clapping and everyone giving each other smug knowing glances and a mother looking down at her little daughter and saying "see honey, that's how a real woman acts"
but.... if you throw away the fish after you get the citation, there's still no evidence. you can get a citation just based on an officer's testimony, no evidence required.
i mean, yeah, I know, killing the joke, blah blah- but this is so obvious that it took me a while to even figure out what the joke was supposed to be.
Fun story, game wardens in the US have more power than most cops and most of the government agencies. they can confiscate and hold your guns for indefinite periods of time, and can detain you or search your vehicle with much less probable cause than a regular cop. The DNR doesn't fuck around.
but.... if you throw away the fish after you get the citation, there's still no evidence. you can get a citation just based on an officer's testimony, no evidence required.
Testimony is evidence, but yeah, no physical evidence.
Right. The joke would actually be funny if he said he's taking a picture as evidence or something. In this context, it left me with the same question of not understanding if I got the joke or if there was a deeper reason it was funny, which there wasn't.
cmc360 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:19:21 on February 16, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I've heard a version at a nightclub that might make more sense.
A bouncer storms into a toilet cubicle to catch a guy sniffing coke off the toilet seat. The bouncer says "Pick up those drugs, and come with me to talk to the police outside"
The guy replies "These arn't drugs, its a magic trick, I can throw this bag down the toilet and they reappear in my pocket"
The bouncer doesn't believe him and says "Well I don't believe this, go on then, amaze me!"
So he throws the bag down the toilet and flushes the chain.
"Ok so show me the drugs in your pocket"
Guy: "What drugs?"
Seriously? I mean, I like a good joke as much as the next guy,
A guy got pulled over speeding and said "But officer, my car is in park now, the evidence is gone, so you have to let me go. Haha, I outsmarted you." It's not funny, it's just dumb.
butth0lez ยท 20 points ยท Posted at 23:42:58 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
That was actually pretty funny.
PyrZern ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:49:25 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
That's why some polices use those speed meter thingy.
Well I don't know much about fishing laws, but in basically any criminal offense, the burden is still on the state to prove the crime occurred. In a traffic situation there is supposed to be footage provided by the cop if challenged in court, if cop doesn't provide the footage, there's nothing to convict with.
EDIT: I tried to google this to back up my statement but I can't. I'm probably wrong.
I imagine it's the same here. The cop could write the fisherman the citation, but then in court the fisherman says "no I didn't" and when the court turns to the state for it's evidence, there is none.
sadate ยท 12 points ยท Posted at 23:00:56 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
The testimony of an officer of the law is typically enough proof. How did they issue speeding tickets before dash cams?
Disclaimer: not saying it's right or wrong, just stating how the world works.
Yeah, it was one of those I thought I remember reading or hearing from reputable that they had to have actual proof of the speeding, but I was wrong.
After the first person questioned me I looked it up, saw I was wrong, and edited my post accordingly.
sadate ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:05:44 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
You may be thinking of the fact that the officer has to be present at the court date. If the officer fails to show up then it gets thrown out because his testimony is the only proof. It's a pretty good gamble to take speeding tickets to court. Cops hate showing up as much as you do, and if they don't you are off the hook.
In a traffic situation there is supposed to be footage provided by the cop if challenged in court, if cop doesn't provide the footage, there's nothing to convict with.
I've known plenty of people who challenged traffic tickets, and I've never heard of cops supplying video evidence.
sadate ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 22:58:54 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
zakw89 ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 02:57:49 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Reminds me of a different fishing joke:
A man goes out fishing with dynamite and the game warden tries confronting him. The man of course denies this crazy accusation and invites the warden to join him the next day to prove it. The next day, the warden joins the man in the middle of the lake to go fishing. Sure enough, the first thing the man does is takes out a stick of dynamite, lights it, and throws it in the lake. Of course, the game warden starts freaking out saying "What are you doing, you can't do that!" So, the man calmly pulls out another stick of dynamite, hands it to the warden and says "Are you gonna talk, or are you gonna fish?"
Game warden suspects a fisherman of fishing illegally, so he hires him as a guide. Sure enough, they get to a secuded part of the lake and the fisherman takes out a stick of dynamite, lights it, tosses it overboard, and BAMโฆ starts scooping up fish with a net.
Warden pulls his badge and says, โThatโs it, Iโm arresting you for illegal fishing.โ
Fisherman takes out another stick, lights it and tosses it to the warden.
I had to write down a joke for school when I was very young.
I wrote this one and the teacher corrected my spelling to make it say "fish and chips"!! She ruined the joke :(
Oh dear. I teach a 2nd language English class and this joke was in the book. Trying to explain why it is funny is just so awful. Those poor students looks so expectantly at me... 'Oh... Is that is?' they said.... I still have nightmares.
You are not be a dad if you would be held back by something as inconsequential as no-one in your family wanting to hear your jokes or think they're funny
So I wanted to tell this to my 4 year old. I wasn't sure if she knew what a parrot was so I asked her if she knows what a parrot is. She said no. So I go through the trouble of googling parrots to show her and she goes "Oh, that's the birds that pirates have!" Then we spend the next 5 minutes or so watching parrots on youtube talk.
Get her ready for bed and put her in bed. Now is the time to lay down this epic joke.
Me: What's orange and sounds like a parrot?
Her: hmm...a carrot?
ARRGGGG!!! All that effort to tell the joke and she guessed the answer, correctly.
I just asked my wife the 'rhymes with snoop' riddle and had to tell her the answer. Then I asked her this one and she guessed 'Run DMC'. Her answer was better than yours. That's what she said.
When you consider the necessity of brevity in the overarching quality of a joke, it may be worth me myself pointing out to you that your joke could very easily be ended at the half way point there, my darling dearest, at least with regards to that which is the punchline
Kedrico ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 04:28:25 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Yeah, Ive always told this one simply as "Fo' drizzle."
My teenagers didn't approve of either of these jokes. I don't know what's wrong with them, they're brilliant. The jokes are awesome too.
Unit88 ยท 39 points ยท Posted at 17:02:50 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I think this is the first time I actually got the joke. A carrot usually was just the answer that immediately came to my mind so I never really thought about why it was supposed to be funny :D
Unit88 ยท 41 points ยท Posted at 17:18:26 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
The word carrot sounds a lot like the word parrot, after all only the first letter is different :D And a carrot is obviously orange, but I don't think I need to mention that :D
BubbaFunk ยท 14 points ยท Posted at 18:52:10 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Some carrots are purple.
ajani57 ยท 26 points ยท Posted at 21:09:56 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
One at every party.
[deleted] ยท 12 points ยท Posted at 21:32:43 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Yeh but is there anything else it could be or is it just carrot because it's so simple it's funny?
JPong ยท 14 points ยท Posted at 18:33:38 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
When someone makes the comparison of "sounds like" they are usually indicating the sound that thing makes not the word. If you wanted to compare the word, you would say "sounds like the word". People don't expect carrot because they are too busy of thinking what sounds a parrot makes and what could be similar to them.
Ha. When my daughter was 3, we were at the zoo and I pointed out "the beautiful parrot." She looked up expectantly, frowned, and told me in the most disappointed tone, "That's not a carrot.." I don't know why but I died laughing. I still laugh every time I remember it. So, I love your joke.
I used to tell this joke to my ferret, but I asked him what is orange and sounds like a ferret. Or what's furry and sounds like a parrot. You can go many directions with this, the point is it always stumped him.
REGibson ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 06:14:17 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I told my boss (a notoriously bad joke-teller) this one. She lived it and wanted to tell it to her daughter. I made her rehearse it until I thought she had it down pat. Next day she came in and said, "I asked my daughter 'What's orange and makes a noise like a parrot?'"
Failed application of APA style guidlines? Unless he considers the bible a shorter work.
Italicize or underline the titles of longer works such as books, edited collections, movies, television series, documentaries, or albums: The Closing of the American Mind; The Wizard of Oz; Friends.
Put quotation marks around the titles of shorter works such as journal articles, articles from edited collections, television series episodes, and song titles: "Multimedia Narration: Constructing Possible Worlds"; "The One Where Chandler Can't Cry."
Source: Joshua M. Paiz, Elizabeth Angeli, Jodi Wagner, Elena Lawrick, Kristen Moore, Michael Anderson, Lars Soderlund, Allen Brizee, Russell Keck (2014-11-11). APA Formatting and Style Guide, In-Text Citations: The Basics.
Retrieved from https://owl.english.purdue.edu/owl/resource/560/02/
Huh. Chill out, dude. I was jus asking. For what it's worth, I was always taught to underline books. I don't really give half a shit about whatever agenda you're trying to push. Jus asking a question.
Btw, *its and you have an improper use of a semicolon.
[deleted] ยท -4 points ยท Posted at 05:38:22 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I'm chill bra, just talking shit as per usual; it being the intertubes and all. You also forgot a "'" in it's ya doofus! :p
Doofus is such a great word. It looks and sounds like what a doofus is.
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:44:00 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
you're not an asshole, you're a redditor; somebody who contributes, argues, and probably is really loved and laid often by somebody super hot. or you're a neckbeard. but either way, i think you're cool, man. i felt like we grew together today.
Two nuns are riding their bikes through the back streets of Rome. The first looks around, turns to the second and says, "Sister, I don't think I've ever come this way before!"
The second says, "It's the cobblestones."
[deleted] ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 15:08:13 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Here's a similar one. It's more effective when spoken out loud but even then hardly anyone gets it.
Two nuns are sitting in a bathtub. One says to the other, "Where's the soap?"
Side note, in Shaun of the Dead, when taking about Mary, they changed the line "She's so pissed" to "She's so drunk" to avoid confusion from American audiences.
Met a chick from Flagstaff, AZ in my small English town. She had a diary for keeping track of her travels around. In the diary was a list of UK slang that she was adding to as she went. The number of ways we had for saying "drunk" made me consider that we, as a nation, either have a bit of a problem with alcohol or a combined genius for linguistic inventiveness.
[deleted] ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 05:23:47 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
My history teacher in high school told us he thought of Britain and the U.S. like time capsules or time travel.
Britain preserved its ways and continued to evolve along its same path, but the U.S. took a part of the British population and branched them off into their own alternate timeline, shaped by their environment and, almost by definition, different mindset.
To him, we shared everything up until we left, anything old enough to have stuck and develop for millennia. Everything to follow would simply be at risk of divergence.
Common language and a couple of hundred years. The same differences exist between US Customary Units and Imperial Units of measurement. Yes, a mile is the same, but a gallon is not. Much like US English is similar to UK English, they branched out quite a while ago and evolved separately.
For an even more extreme example, try to read Shakespeare or another piece of literature from 500 or so years ago. It is very difficult to read due to vocabulary and common parlance (even excluding the many additions to the English language that Shakespeare contributed).
[deleted] ยท 15 points ยท Posted at 02:09:48 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Our saloons have two doors. Have you never seen a cowboy Western?
JaroSage ยท 10 points ยท Posted at 23:57:31 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Dang you guys must have a real problem with drunk driving.
ricodued ยท 27 points ยท Posted at 01:06:56 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
They call it "drink driving"
British people don't stop drinking once they're in the car. If they're getting a DUI they're going to swing for the fences and get a wicket or whatever the fuck this metaphor breaks down goddamnit
I always wondered what the etymology of this was. To my American ears it reminds me of an old-west style tavern and it seemed like such an odd word for sedan (which has fairly obvious etymology). Looks like it comes from Salon > Saloon car, meaning a luxury lounge/restaurant train car. Neat!
I was thinking there'd be a different word for a chicken coop. Idk coop just sounds like a very redneck word. I can't really imagine a British person saying it.
Why? What are the British translations of coop or sedan?
hoodie92 ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 00:19:40 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
The joke is a play on coupe cars. Coupe is originally a French word, so in the UK we pronounce it "coo-pay". In the US apparently it's pronounced "coop", so a chicken coop sounds the same as a coupe car.
This is even funnier if you keep chickens because many do have two doors: one for the chickens and humans to go through, and a second, little one on the nest box for gathering eggs without getting poop on your shoes. Of course, mine has a third door, which I guess makes it a hatchback!
Absulute ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 20:50:13 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
A coupรฉ (pronounced coop if you're American) is also a type of sports car (with two doors rather than four). A sedan is a four door car.
Absulute ยท 9 points ยท Posted at 22:18:46 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Oh, never heard it pronounced coop. Weird.
idevxy ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:42:46 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
At some point the accent fell off the "e" in the American version, so "coupe." The correct French pronunciation of that spelling (sans accent aigu) is identical to "coop."
This is just because American English usually discards diacritics in loanwords. See: "cafe", "resume" (CV), "naive", "fiance", etc. The accents may be rendered, but omitting them is more common. Usually the pronunciation still sticks, but sometimes (first "e" in "resume", "e" in "coupe") it doesn't.
I'm so happy to see this here! It's my favourite joke and I can't even get through it without laughing.
blore40 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:08:00 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
So free range chicken drive convertibles?
NecroJoe ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:34:43 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Unless it's a BMW 6 GranCoupe or Audio A7, which market themselves as "4-door coupes"...and done get me started on the X6, which is a 4-door SUV coupe.
ikwaa ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:01:57 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
VashMM ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 11:16:29 on February 14, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
How did the dead baby cross the road?
tooth28 ยท 7 points ยท Posted at 02:35:04 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
When is a car not a frog? When it's toad.
fodafoda ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 03:17:19 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Oh, there's a delicious version of this in Portuguese (works better when spoken):
"- Quando se abre a porta ร Berta? (when does one open the door to Berta?)
- Quando a Berta bate ร porta (when Berta knocks at the door)"
Problem is, when spoken, "ร Berta" sounds exactly like "aberta", which means "open", so that the sentence would parse as when does one open an (already) open door? - a non-sensical question.
If you like this kind of stuff, go read about garden path sentences - a similar thing, but usually not based on ambiguous sonority.
V1russ ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 08:23:23 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I love that having taken two years of Spanish I can understand your joke before the definition.
Hooray for related languages!
Singel48 ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 02:00:37 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Friend told me this one two days ago and I lost my Shit... So if anyone finds it...lemme know
I don't know if I follow you. I didn't see that joke anywhere in the entire thread.
[deleted] ยท 306 points ยท Posted at 22:34:55 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Wish it made sense in Italian, but we have different words for "turn" as in a direction ("svoltare") and "turn" as transforming ("diventare"= literally becoming, "trasformare" o "trasformarsi" which = "transform" and its reflexive form).
I know you probably did not care but whatever.
On Valentine's day my GF will be disappointed enough with the Beethoven joke.
So just a regular dude drove down a street then turned left into a driveway?
tina_ri ยท 10 points ยท Posted at 03:28:05 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
OK I'll bite.
He "turned" into a driveway as in he turned left/right into a driveway AND -- here's where the magician part of the joke comes into play -- he also became a driveway. Like saying the magician turned (or transformed) himself into a rabbit or a top hat, he turned himself into a driveway.
I read this as "a Mexican was diving down the street and then he turned into a driveway" and tried for an embarrassingly long amount of time to see how that could be remotely funny. I then read it again.
A friend used to run a game dev studio. During crunch, late at night, he'd go around telling this joke to his devs. If they laughed, they were obviously too punch drunk to continue and were sent home. :)
[deleted] ยท 8 points ยท Posted at 03:37:54 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
You can tone it down for kids by just saying oh my god a talking muffin or oh my gosh a talking muffin depending on your audience
290077 ยท 10 points ยท Posted at 05:06:55 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Or just, "Aaah!"
sn4xchan ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 02:04:37 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
My local county TV morning show had this little "jokes from kids!" segment every Tuesday morning. I told the two-fish-in-a-tank joke for it when I was about eight, so as jokes go, it's pretty near and dear to my heart.
I have never heard the two soldiers version and now I cannot stop laughing, send help
Usually when someone asks what an abbreviation 'stands for' they're asking what words the letters represent. For example, C.I.A stands for Central Intelligence Agency.
The joke here is that the answer isn't the expected one.
Instead of saying E.T stands for ExtraTerrestrial, it gives the answer to 'what does E.T stand up for? People usually stand up for national anthems.
lots of edits for clarity
[deleted] ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 15:00:09 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
ma2016 ยท 10 points ยท Posted at 21:10:08 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I've always used the punchline as "So he can fit in the spaceship"
KCCO2015 ยท 12 points ยท Posted at 19:20:47 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Please ELI5.
[deleted] ยท 28 points ยท Posted at 20:47:04 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
The expected answer to the question is "extraterrestrial." However, the joke answers as if you asked why the character E.T. from the movie with the same name is physically short - because his legs are small.
KCCO2015 ยท 21 points ยท Posted at 21:01:41 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
ET is short because of his small legs. The term "short for" can also be used in place of "stands for." The joke is pretty much that the acronym ET means extra terrestrial, but by using the play on words "short for," it can be interpreted as why his size is so small
When someone says, "What is ET short for," you think he means "What do the letters in the initialism "ET" represent? The answer is "Extra-terrestrial."
However, the answer reveals that the question was actually asking "What is ET short for as in "Why is ET short," the answer to which is "He has really small legs."
Understand?
Face_Roll ยท 11 points ยท Posted at 21:48:08 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
INCORRECT!
"For" means "for what purpose"
Eg: "What is this mug for? It's FOR my coffee."
The correct punchline is:
"So he can fit inside his ship"
neau ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 13:32:49 on February 19, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
elilo ยท 7409 points ยท Posted at 16:24:36 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
So the pope is SUPER early for his flight. He asks his driver on his way to the airport if he could drive around for a while because they have time to kill and he hasn't driven a car since becoming the pope. Naturally he's a bit rusty so he's driving poorly when suddenly he sees police lights behind him. He pulls over and when the officer comes up to the window his eyes go wiiiide. He says to the pope "Hold on for a minute" and he goes back to his car to radio the chief.
Cop: Chief we have a situation. I've pulled over an important figure.
Chief: How important? A governor or something?
Cop: No sir. He's bigger.
Chief: So, what? a celebrity or something?
Cop: More important, sir.
Chief: A major politician?
Cop: No sir, he's much more important.
Chief: WELL WHO IS IT!?
Cop: Well actually I'm not sure. But the pope's his driver.
One day, Einstein has to give a conference to all the big guys in science. On the way there, he tells his driver that looks a bit like him :
"I'm sick of all this conferences, I always say the same things over and over !"
The drivers agrees, " You're right, as your driver I attended all of them, and even though I don't know anything about science, I could give the conference at your place."
"That's a great idea ! " says Eistein," lets switch places then !"
So they switch clothes and as soon as they arrive, the driver dressed as Einstein go on stage and starts giving the usual speech, while the real Einstein, dressed as the car driver, attends it.
But in the crowd, there was one scientist who wanted to impress everyone and thought of a very difficult question to ask Einstein, hoping he wouldn't be able to respond. So this guy stands up and interrupt the conference by posing his very difficult question. The whole room goes silent, holding their breath, waiting for the response.
The driver looks at him, dead in the eye and says :
"Sir, your question is so easy to answer that I'm going to let my driver reply to it for me."
scene1 ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 07:05:21 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Am I just not getting it? It didn't seem that funny to me. Someone mentioned it may be a true prank that Einstein played, which may explain why it's not very funny as a joke but might be amusing if it happened in real life.
[deleted] ยท -15 points ยท Posted at 01:22:22 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Any story involving him, Winston Churchill, or Teddy Roosevelt should be taken with a grain of salt, partially because a lot of the stories are true, so it makes the false ones believable.
DoomBot5 ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 02:07:21 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
When he was recognized walking down the street, he used to pretend to be a guy that people kept confusing him with Einstein.
I read it in a mid-XX century book and it was told as a funny fact. Not a running joke, but just once that could very well happen. Science talks for the general audience are actually very easy to reproduce, they don't contain any gory details and maths.
Feynman did something like this. He usually gave the same talk to different audiences, and once he switched with somebody and something similar happened
[deleted] ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 15:16:06 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
My brother gave me a book for my birthday called Surely You're Joking, Mr Feynman and it contains funny anecdotes from Richard Feynman. I haven't finished it yet so maybe this story will appear.
There are a LOT of stories and quotes related to Einstein that are untrue. Many of those stories had been told about other people before Einstein was even around.
Kinda like Hardy. Apparently, during a really rough boat ride across the channel, he sent a post card saying he'd a proof to Riemann's hypothesis. He hoped God would then make sure he arrived safety, so he wouldn't die with everything thinking he had solved it.
He always had a strange relationship with God. Like he would bring work and umbrellas to cricket games hoping that God would then make sure it didn't rain so he couldn't do his work; when in fact he loved cricket and wished his team good weather.
He basically thought God hated him and would spite him at every chance.
capilot ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:02:42 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:50:02 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
This is actually from a redneck comedian named Jerry Clower about 25 years before redneck comedians caught on. He could really tell a story.
https://youtu.be/bK9VoToteGU
I remember hearing this one at some but the end was different. When asked who it is at the end the cop says "Well I think its Jesus Christ since the Pope is driving"
The Jesus one is borderline nonsensical. The other one is hilarious cause it's a plausible mistake to make.
JewWhore ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 02:37:13 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I've never heard this ending, but I have heard the original post many times. I like this one much more.
kotkaiser ยท 12 points ยท Posted at 04:34:17 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I disagree. The original ending is far more subtle and lets the listener figuring out who the pope might drive. This ending is too plump for my liking.
dong_d ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:53:21 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
[deleted] ยท 9 points ยท Posted at 06:43:03 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Normally important people have their own personal drivers. Well this time the Pope wanted to drive himself because he had time before his flight and hand't done so in a long time. But because of his rusty driving, he gets pulled over by a cop. The cop then tells his superiors that whoever he pulled over in this car must be extremely important, so important in fact that their personal driver happens to be the Pope himself.
Birthez ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 00:08:31 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
So one day dave and his mate are sat in the pub and theyre arguing over whos more popular and dave is adamant its him. So he goes "watch this" walks up to the barman and chats like theyve known each other forever. Daves mate says that proves nothing hes your local barman. So fair enough they travel into london and see simon cowell, dave stops him and simon says "you alright dave? Its been a while". Not convinced daves mate wants more proof. So they hop on a plane to washington D.C, and dave just strolls into the whitehouse and has dinner with barrack Obama. Daves mate still isnt convinced so they go to rome, the vatican where the pope is giving a sermon. Theyre stood in the crowd and dave says "i need to get closer, stay here i now the guards". About 10 minutes later daves stood up on the balcony with the pope, when he sees a something on in the crowd. He rushes down to see his mate passed out on the floor. He looks over him and says "you alright, mate?". Daves mate looks at him and goes "i really didnt believe you until you got up there and someone said, 'whos that up there with dave?'"
I didn't come up with this joke. But you most definitely copy pasted it from when I typed it out and posted it. Considering that was a year ago, I like to think that you now tell that joke at social events, as do I ever since I heard it. Best joke ever haha
Relatively speaking it's not the worst. But it was bad for me. My boyfriend of 4 years moved out yesterday. And there is a whole mess at work happening that would take too long to explain. The short version is I'm getting jerked around, doing 2 jobs and just found out I'm not getting the raise I was promised. But things will work out. I'll find another job and maybe being alone isn't so bad.
[deleted] ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 04:32:43 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Am I dum or what. I don't get it
Drumguy08 ยท 3758 points ยท Posted at 15:39:49 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Why do scuba divers fall backwards out of the boat?
'Cause if they fell forwards, they'd still be in the boat.
Scuba Diver here. Actually most divers only go backwards out of small craft like dinghies where there's no room to jump forwards. We prefer to step forward out off a ledge when possible because there's less disorientation when landing in the water and, more importantly, less of a chance of hitting something with the tank (especially with less experienced divers).
Also, I'm super fun at parties.
animal531 ยท 19 points ยท Posted at 09:31:16 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
To go in forwards, you have to be standing, and you basically take a large step over a flat ledge/platform like a diving board.
When going backwards, you just curl up into a pseudo fetal position, and roll backwards. You do that when you don't have room to stand up or a stable platform to step from. Little dinghies/zodiacs are the best example where you just sit on the side of the boat in just flip your body over it backwards because it'd be too awkward to step over the side of the boat and they're too small/unstable to stand up in.
My father is a long time scuba diver and teacher; sadly i haven't gpne through and gotten my training yet- but i thought he always said it is usually done because its easier with the weight of the tank on your back as well as being able to hold on to your mask with you hand as you go over. I mean- i know there to be ways to clear a mask underwater, which is important, but i always thought this made a lot of sense to me.
It's more of a preference thing, but the stepping method's the most common. You've gotta hold your mask and belt (if you have a weight belt) when you go in regardless of direction, and you've sometimes gotta clear the mask going in regardless of direction.
Edit: To be more specific, the stepping method is especially more common among novices because of the lack of disorientation when hitting the water.
False. There are a couple of ways you could read this. 'Why do scuba divers fall backwards out of the boat' or 'Why do scuba divers fall backwards out of the boat.' Your response is correct to the first version, but not to the second. I don't know why I wasted my time typing this out.
Maoman1 ยท 49 points ยท Posted at 01:21:53 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Oh, now I see it! It's the difference between falling "backwards, out of the boat" and "backwards-out, of the boat". I feel vindicated because the second version seems like a stretch.
Yes, I understood what the two statements were supposed to convey, I just didn't see how the sentence could actually mean anything besides the first (unjoke-y) version, even with a change in emphasis.
Kiefer0 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 04:26:54 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
No, he's still right. In replacing backwards with forwards, they'd be falling forwards out of the boat which requires different but unspecified means of positioning to fall out of the boat.
A duck walks into a bar and says, "Got any grapes?" The bartender says, "No." The duck thanks him and leaves. The next day, the duck walks into the bar again and asks, "Got any grapes?" The bartender says, "No, this is a bar, I only serve drinks; we don't have any grapes." The duck thanks him and leaves. The third day, the duck comes back and says, "Got any grapes?" The bartender loses it and yells, "Look you stupid duck, I don't have any grapes, I have never served grapes, and if you come in here looking for grapes again, I'm going to nail your stupid duck beak to the floor!" The duck thanks him and leaves. The next day the duck comes back and says, "Got any nails?" The bartender is confused and says, "No..." The ducks then says, "Got any grapes?"
For some reason when I tell this joke, I give the duck a speech impediment: "Got any gwapes?"
taucxti ยท 12 points ยท Posted at 04:12:16 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
You... you just made the Duck Song into a shitty joke.
pomlife ยท 13 points ยท Posted at 06:28:35 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Have you considered that the duck joke was around before the video, and maybe the guy who posted the video on YouTube animated a classic joke he heard one time?
taucxti ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 07:12:47 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
It could be possible. And it's very likely.
It just felt really surreal to see it changed a little and passed around and told like a normal joke, you know, I thought EVERYONE knew it, I know those lyrics by heart man. However maybe my perspective of it is warped after the 94th time my immature friends have sent it to me
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 04:20:13 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
sextuple whamp
gun-nut ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 06:51:19 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I heard a guy give a speech once about growing up during the great depression. He told the same joke but it was him instead of the duck. And the schoolhouses instead of a bar.
foragerr ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 14:33:38 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Nitpick:
Except 5:30 is just as hands down-ly good. Note that the hours and minutes hands are not aligned at 6:30, like they are are 12:00. The hours hand is half way between 6 and 7. And halfway between 5 and 6 for 5:30
This reminds me, we were pouring concrete a few days ago and the shop foreman walked up and shoved a broken wall clock into the concrete we had just laid, "the concrete needs a little more time to set up".
Did you hear about the tabletop manufacturers who tried to strike for higher wages, but ended up giving in and working anyway? It was counter productive.
AdiX92 ยท -2 points ยท Posted at 18:53:59 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
That should not crack anybody up
[deleted] ยท 3195 points ยท Posted at 16:45:31 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Two cows are grazing in a pasture. One cow turns to the other and says "What do you think about this mad cow disease?" The other cow responds: "Doesn't bother me. I'm a helicopter".
[deleted] ยท 1875 points ยท Posted at 20:54:48 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
i like it better when the second says he's a chicken. because then you have to wonder which one is crazy, and then you have to realize it's you because neither of those animals are capable of conversing
[deleted] ยท 453 points ยท Posted at 22:15:20 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Reminds me of the two bisquites in an oven... oNE says to the other "man, it's really starting to get hot in here... the other one says"holy shit, a talking bisquit"
"I was grazing in pasture with this other cow. I asked her, "What do you think about this mad cow disease?" She said, "Doesn't bother me. We're chickens."
[deleted] ยท 274 points ยท Posted at 22:14:50 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Two cannibals are eating a clown. One turns to the the other and asks, "Does this taste funny to you?"
Two cannibals are talking during a meal. One says to the other, "y'know, I really hate my mother-in-law." The other replies, "so try the salad."
PKELLY18 ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 03:11:16 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Uh, G-Rated tho...
Verdungo ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:43:20 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I'm done.
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 10:33:25 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Thanks. My girlfriend is now mad at me because I woke her up from laughing at this.
Kebble ยท 10 points ยท Posted at 01:30:01 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
A man and his wife orders at a restaurant. The man asks for a steak but specifies he wants it barely cooked, as in it should barely be on the grill for 5 seconds
The waiter, puzzled, asks "What about the mad cow?"
The man replies "She'll have a salad."
[deleted] ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 01:52:22 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Two cows are standing in a field. One turns to the other and says: "Mooooo!"
The other replies: "I was just about to say that!"
NHKeys ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 01:02:38 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
If I have 30 cows and 28 chickens, how many didn't?
10! (Works better when spoken for obvious reasons)
dumahen ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 04:44:40 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
And then that cow pulled out a laptop and started posting on Tumblr.
08mms ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:02:55 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Two hippie brownies are put into the oven together and one says to the other, "what do you want to do now?" and the other says "Holy shit! A talking brownie!"
mbelf ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:18:28 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Two sausages are in a frying pan. One says to the other "God, it's so hot in here!". The other one says "Oh my god, a talking sausage!"
Mesha8 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:38:08 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I have heard this joke from some many people, in like 4 different languages, and the other cow is always a helicopter. I just love the consistency of this one.
blay12 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:28:55 on February 16, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Late to the game here, but the quote is listing 3 things: "Bears. Beets. Battlestar Galactica." because those are the things that Dwight often mentions.
I collapsed this comment and then thought to myself "WITHOUT A TRACE CORALL" then I had to reopen the parent comment just to make sure this was the reply
Especially since I automatically pronounce it in my head like I usually pronounce it in Spanish "trej" or in English "treh" with a pronounced "h" that may or may not be there depending on my mood.
acmarkes ยท -14 points ยท Posted at 03:34:43 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
In England, if you put on a Spanish accent when you say "trace", it is basically "tres".
neozuki ยท 10 points ยท Posted at 01:10:58 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Yeah tres is crisp with the r sound and the e is more like 'eh'. Trace has a completely different r sound and has the 'ay' sound in the middle. I'm not positive but I think the s sound is shorter in tres and also uses a little less of the tongue.
sumduud14 ยท 29 points ยท Posted at 01:27:22 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
If a person came up to you and said "There's no tres of him", would you be confused and not know which English word he meant, or would you know what he meant?
I would definitely know what he meant, so that means it's close enough for a joke - no-one is saying they are pronounced exactly the same way, just similarly enough.
They sound close enough to understand in context, sure, but it took me a full 30 seconds to understand the joke because, being a speaker of Spanish and English, in my head I heard /tษพes/ in Spanish instead of /tอกสษนeษชs/ as in English.
Luquitaz ยท 7 points ยท Posted at 02:23:08 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
My sisters and I are all bilingual having been born in latin america but lived a significant portion of our childhood in the USA and I decided not to tell them this joke because the difference in pronounciation is enough to ruin the flow of the joke and I would probably have to explain it.
neozuki ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 12:02:36 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
It depends. If I'm expecting English I'll probably hear tres and interpret it as trace but they just sound so different to my ear. English sounds really wet compared to Spanish but I'm sure that's a terrible way to explain it.
Edit: I know it's a joke but I'm just curious how others hear and pronounce these words.
TheJix ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 01:47:52 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
News reporters don't even actually sound like news reporters.
Maharog ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:32:23 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
The "tv accent" is a California accent. Popularized heavily by Hollywood. The first time i went to Australia I was blown away that all the news reports sounded the same as back home.
According to this, the accent most commonly used on radio and TV is descended from the Midwest. Also, it is anecdotal and not really good evidence, but I live in the Midwest and cannot hear any real accent on most people on TV.
Look up the Boston accent. An -ar sound gets pronounced with a very hard arr sound and almost impossible to say the letter R without rolling it. My AP Stats teacher and I loved when he tried to say or my friend's name.
Here's a map of American English dialects, though the reality is even more complicated than that. Small regions often develop their dialects and accents as well. I'm sure you've heard of a stereotypical New York City or Boston accent, but there are plenty more. Tangier Island English is one of my favorites. If you're ever in the mood for a good documentary on the subject, I suggest that one, American Tongues. It's a bit outdated by now, but it's pretty decent.
As someone who speaks Spanish first, I didn't get either until you said this.
The 'e' in "tres" in Spanish is closer to the 'e' in "get." It's like a hard sound. But as /u/LordAcorn said, yes, I can imagine someone saying it like "trace" under a heavy American accent.
[deleted] ยท 9 points ยท Posted at 00:23:36 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)*
The sound of the e has been covered, but another problem is "tr" is actually pronounced "chr" in English (in America at least). So "trace" is pronounced /tสษนeษชs/ (/tส/ is the "ch" sound), while "tres" is pronounced /tษพes/ (with a normal "t" sound).
My Spanish teachers specifically taught us to pronounce vowels in the way you described, and I haven't heard many differences in that pattern from native Spanish speakers.
UOUPv2 ยท 7 points ยท Posted at 21:25:27 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Really? Apparently I was lied to by Spanish teachers, because what he described was exactly how I was taught to pronounce vowels for four years of Spanish.
UOUPv2 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 03:02:31 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Yeah I guess, unless the Spanish say traes but in my city we say tr[b]es[t].
I'm Mexican and when I saw the first line I groaned like "ughhh this is gonna be horrid" but then I got to the end and you had me LOLing. I'm telling this joke to everyone I know
A boat sank on the French Riviera today. No people were aboard, but there were three kitties on the craft as it went down. The headline the next day was "Un, deux, trois, cats sank."
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 04:37:39 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I don't just like this. I like, like like this.
08mms ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 04:53:44 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
This is a great joke for a groaner, you jus need to build up a lot of backstory about the magician and the magic act before you hit them with that punchline.
A puppy and a kitten were having a boat race. The puppy named his boat the One Two Three, because of how fast he expected to win. The kitten, hearing this, named his boat the Un Deux Trois and claimed the French words made him more refined. The day of the race, they lined up at the start, and both sped off as soon as they heard the signal.
The kitten took an early lead, but ultimately the puppy was the clear victor. The reason why is pretty obvious: Un Deux Trois cat sank.
/r/iamverysmart knows this joke. I couldnt understand it at first because of my impeccable understanding of other languages and cultures. Aah the struggles of being a bilingual genius.
I actually had a strange encounter with a homeless fellow who told this joke. This was in the midst of trying to take my drunken friend to the hospital after he got into a fight and had his eyebrow split open. My friend locked his keys in the car so we were waiting for AAA. He just hung around saying nothing and all of a sudden comes up to us and says "Hey you know where you got your shoes?....you got them on your feet! a-ha, just trying to bring some humor to the situation." It worked.
So the homeless guy didn't use the version where he wins a dollar?
ldnjack ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 11:36:58 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
now you know why the guy is destitute.
KingNosmo ยท 24 points ยท Posted at 01:14:27 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Sounds like your friend needed AA more than he needed AAA.
[deleted] ยท -4 points ยท Posted at 04:22:40 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
[deleted]
ROFLance ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 05:05:40 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
AA = Alcoholics Anonymous. It's a support group for people with alcohol problems, which his friend may need because he split his eyebrow open in a fight whilst drunk. Aaaaand now the joke is ruined.
[deleted] ยท -5 points ยท Posted at 05:21:13 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
poor joke, friendo. funny that the reason I didn't understand it is because I'm drunk.
[deleted] ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 01:16:46 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Sounds like a hell of a night.
[deleted] ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 01:33:34 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Thank you sir. A homeless man bet my pops that he could guess where he got his shoes. I said I'd take the bet, but my dad insisted we walk on. I jus wanted to hear the joke.
Some guy tried it on my dad, who was born and raised in Nola. He tossed him 2 or 3 bucks and played along for a while, until the guy straight up demanded more money(like $10). My dad looked at him and said, "It was clever but I'm not giving you money for some cheap shine on dirty, torn up loafers." The dude went off, "you know who I am? Fuck you! You don't know me, I'll fucking stab you. You better not see me in a dark alley." Just then the street car pulls up, and my dad looks at the guy, "alright, I lived here a long time, and this isn't the first time...we're leaving." And we hop on the car.
Fuck that guy. My brother and I were like 8 and 11.
PJBottoms ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 07:13:32 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)*
Fuck that guy for sure. Obviously your dad did the right thing since he had children with him but I'd love to see someone lean right in on the guy and reply "Yeah, I know exactly who you are but you have no idea who I am. See ya around." And just smile creepily as he hopped on the street car.
nixrox ยท 10 points ยท Posted at 00:20:52 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
thats where I heard it...
False_ ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 02:40:04 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
On your feet, on the street
Paultwo ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:20:10 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
same here!
damoran ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 02:44:59 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I fell victim to this.
Ed3times ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 04:23:08 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I heard a variation of this before I visited NO. They'd bet that they could tell you where you got your shoes, and say "On Bourbon Street!" (or on whatever street you're standing).
I went there, and not 10 minutes into walking around, a guy passed me and says "Hey, nice shoes!" about my worn-out Chucks. I give a big smile and say "Thanks, I got them on Bourbon Street!". His mouth opens to continue the line, then just walks away.
[deleted] ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 14:10:05 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I'm just imagining the cab driver from Live and Let Die is the guy who makes all these jokes.
[deleted] ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 04:27:18 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
ATL too. They can even tell you which street - Peachtree.
This! It happened to me on Bourbon Street. Some street peddler comes up and tries to bet me $50 he knows where I got my shoes.. Nice try street Peddler.
Kenny vs spenny, who can be homeless the longest :)
AlyVox ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 03:34:34 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
That's from pool hall junkies
JLDIII ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 04:18:12 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
A dude in New Orleans tried to scam me out of $20 with that one. It's an alright joke man, I might've paid five just to hear it, but her was acting like he was doing me a favor by only charging me $20 instead of $40.
Reminds me of a story about my aunt when she was a young child. She put her boots on the wrong feet, and when her mother told her "Beverly, you put your boots on the wrong feet" she replied, "Well, they're the only feet I've got!"
The circle jerk is way more fun with the right mindset. You're not just going to sit there and let these guys jack you off against your will are you? If they're going to jerk you off, be sure to enjoy it and make things awkward for them instead. That's how you win a circle jerk
KiloPain ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 02:10:49 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Yes I thought I was so clever with the joke told to my kids and hubby they said yes, agh I told them you are suppose to say no so I can say the punchline, then they proceed to do a joke off ahh well it was bonding.
Just tried to tell this joke to my daughter... Now she is meticulously inspecting all of her shoes for holes. 5 year olds really know how to ruin a good joke!
There was one like that in the 6th season of Community
Something like
Dean: I need this like a hole in the head.
Britta: But a hole in the head is a bad thing.
Dean: She said through a giant hole in her head.
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 22:20:03 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
-your question was unclear. since I'm wearing the shoe I had subconsciously assumed that it was already understood by us both that there was a hole by which to place my foot inside of the shoe. your question seemed to imply that there may be another hole in my shoe, for reasons aforementioned. this was why I answered "no".
How would you put your foot in it is a holes into the shoe, all about perception. ๐
Sgeo ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 00:54:24 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
In topology (a mathematical thing), an object can be stretched in any way (but not torn) and still be the same object. So if you have a ball (which has no holes) and squish it so there's a little dent you could put a foot into, it's still not considered a hole. A donut, however, has a hole, there's no way to stretch or squish a donut so it doesn't have a hole.
Common language "hole" is different, and so in normal English, yes, your shoe has a hole.
A soda can walks into a bar and somehow gets absolutely plastered. The bartender asks how he intends to pay such a hefty bill; he responds "oh, just put it on my tab."
[deleted] ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 07:19:36 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I always liked the duck who buys a tube of chapstick. The clerk asks how he intends to pay and the duck says "just put it on my bill."
ckinz16 ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 02:37:33 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
No s/he didn't lol
thwinks ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:12:18 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I first heard this one in college. I graduated college in 2006...
So unless by "just" you mean "about a decade ago"... no...
Yes your our joking is most pleasing to my glaknazork ears. Ha. Ha. Ha. I love LV-426 Earth!
sqqueen ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 01:51:49 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
It's actually kind of sadistic when you say it out loud. Usually the hearer is waiting for more of a joke, has no idea what you're talking about, and you're cackling, loudly or softly. The other person mulls on it for a long while eventually getting it.
Best if, as you cackle and walk away, you say, "Work on it, you'll get it.
I had to read this way too many times before I got it. It must be bed time.
kachuck ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 01:02:53 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Yes, thankfully someone posted this. I annoyed my girlfriend with this every chance I got but I had forgotten about it for a few months. I am pretty sure she will hate you for this.
I've always heard it as, "where's the bar tender?"
PC509 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:33:54 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I had a friend tell this to me. I didn't get it for weeks. Even AFTER he explained it. After a while, I suddenly got it and laughed. Too late... :/ I have no idea what I was thinking.... It's a good one!
EDIT: Explanation - I really feel bad that people don't get this. As with most jokes, an explanation takes away from the impact/humor, and I think this is especially a factor with one-liners or jokes like this that are so short. Regardless, I think this joke will still be funny and I hope the people that didn't get it initially still appreciate it. It is just a play on words/sounds and references the opening of Beethoven's iconic(?) 5th Symphony. YouTube.
EDIT: Thank you all for the great responses. I honestly love this joke, and I think it unfortunately comes off as too immature/juvenile to be told in settings where it would probably get some hearty laughs from adults without pity or irony (or groans). Also, I am sorry for those of you that hear it as a Minion joke. I think the Minions are funny, but I think the joke becomes less if regarded that way. I was fortunate enough to hear this joke years before Minions were introduced to the world, so I don't associate it with them.
There's a Far Side cartoon with a composer slumped over a piano, and his assistant in the doorway, telling a visitor "Shhhh! The Maestro is decomposing!"
For some reason my brain read Beethoven as Batman and I sat here for a full minute trying to make the "nananas" come to sound like the Batman theme song before realizing my mistake.
jlisle ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:40:03 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
This is my favourite joke of all time. I once texted it to a friend, but she never replied. Its been months. I keep hoping I'll get to drop the punchline someday, but I think that dream is probably dead.
Valeday ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 07:25:19 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I still don't get it :(
mattlag ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 17:04:20 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Saw is the past tense for 'to see' but also the present tense for 'to saw' (as in using the tool called a saw to cut something)
It's funny because you were expecting to hear about something I was looking at in the past, but actually I'm cutting wood with a wood cutting tool right now.
So, a guy walks into a mexican restaurant and takes a seat. Before he gets to order a his food, the bowl of tortilla chips in front of him says "Hey, you're a handsome fellow."
The man tries to ignore the chips and orders a soda. The chips says "Ooooh that drink is delicious. Great choice. You're a very smart man."
Starting to freak out, the guy says to the waiter "Hey what the heck, this bowl of chips keeps saying nice things to me!" Waiter says "Don't worry about it, the tortilla chips are complimentary."
The drink machine is supposed to start insulting the guy, yelling violent things at him. The waiter says "the chips are complimentary, but the drinks machine is out of order"
hpfan2342 ยท 20 points ยท Posted at 01:34:24 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Codoro ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 06:04:34 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
They both have inky quills
objober ยท 320 points ยท Posted at 23:24:50 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Not quite. The Hatter originally asks, "Why is a raven like a writing desk?" where /u/DinoLasers's pun asks the difference.
Also, the answer to the riddle, according to Lewis Carroll is "because it can produce a few notes, though they are very flat; and it is nevar put with the wrong end in front!"
I'd always heard that Carroll had said he originally had no answer, it was meant to be simply a nonsensical riddle with no discernible solution.
objober ยท 9 points ยท Posted at 02:01:39 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Correct, but Carroll got so many enquiries about the riddle, he had to make something up. As he put it:
"Enquiries have been so often addressed to me, as to whether any answer to the Hatter's riddle can be imagined, that I may as well put on record here what seems to me to be a fairly appropriate answer, "because it can produce a few notes, though they are very flat; and it is nevar put with the wrong end in front!" This, however, is merely an afterthought; the riddle as originally invented had no answer at all."
I couldve sworn the riddle originally had no answer
[deleted] ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 05:02:58 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Yea, I remember seeing something that Carroll had to make up a solution since people were going crazy asking him about it. Not sure about how legit it is tho. Who knows.
I've pretty sure that was it, and the answer he came up with was something other than "Poe wrote on both", it was like, Nevar or something? I don't remember.
[deleted] ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 05:16:27 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
yea the answer he gave was what the guy you responded, /u/objober wrote.
"because it can produce a few notes, though they are very flat; and it is nevar put with the wrong end in front!"
Ohhh okay! I just thought it was some sort of weird dialectal spelling of never, heh
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:28:55 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I heard Carroll said that it was because "Raven is nevar spelled backwards." That isn't a typo, that's what Carroll wrote. Though, over time, someone made it never and ruined the joke.
What's the difference between an old busstop and a large breasted lobster. One's a rusty busstation and the other a busty crustacean.stolenfromfuturama
Thank you for posting this, the only time I've heard this joke is on the simpsons when Krusty the Clown attempts Ventriloquism and the dummies mouth falls off half way through the joke so until now I've never knew the punchline
scotems ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 04:29:12 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Ya know, I like the joke, but I always get a bit annoyed at the "What's the difference between..." jokes. I mean, there are millions of things that are different between cats and commas. Basically, every conceivable thing other than the beginning letter 'c' is different. So what's the difference? EVERYTHING! What's one difference that sounds funny? The punch line.
vkrish1 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:05:58 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I want to claw your face ...but it's quite good....
What's the last thing that Tickle Me Elmo gets before he leaves the factory?
- Two Test Tickles.
dan420 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 04:05:21 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
It's supposed to be a foreign guy who gets fired from the tickle me Elmo factory because he keeps sewing little balls between Elmo's legs. When asked why he goes "you said to make sure to give each doll two test tickles."
Thisreminds me of my grandfathers favorite joke. "Hey Granddad, are you all right?" "Half Left." Even when the Dementia got really bad, the twinkle in his eye returned a little with that joke.
Maoman1 ยท 15 points ยท Posted at 01:25:05 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Fun fact - apparently if you vacuum up a cockroach it smells like bananas. I've never tested it though cause all the roaches I find eventually smell like deadly neurotoxin (raid).
ejeebs ยท 17 points ยท Posted at 02:28:35 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I read this in GLaDOS' voice.
Maoman1 ยท 7 points ยท Posted at 03:32:29 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Yeah that's the point :D I always call raid "deadly neurotoxin" in my best GLaDOS impression.
ejeebs ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 03:47:20 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
The "fun fact" part even sounded like the kind of thing she would say as you reach the elevator to the next chamber.
Maoman1 ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 03:48:31 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Fun fact - you are a horrible person.
ejeebs ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 03:49:51 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Well. What do you know. That was a fun fact.
[deleted] ยท 8 points ยท Posted at 01:56:29 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
[deleted] ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 05:43:11 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Why did I laugh at this?
jericho ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 07:33:52 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
You hear about the accident in the harbour yesterday? 2 boats collided, one carrying red paint and the other blue.
Nobody was hurt, but over 20 sailors were marooned.
raiast ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 07:12:11 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
You just reminded me of something terrible from my past. I'm not even kidding; I still remember the absolute WORST fortune from a fortune cookie I ever received. It was not, in fact, a fortune, but a "riddle". It read as follows":
"Q: What is red and smell like pork?
A: Sweet and sour pork."
Haha very good! I know that would be an American version, I've heard it in Northern Ireland, where I'm from with it being Maggie thatcher 'visiting' :)
Is that really the joke? I don't think I've ever seen anyone working in a bank wearing a vest. Or, at least, I haven't seen it often enough to recognize that it's a thing.
Came here to include this joke, you handled it already. My wife has grown to hate this joke based on how frequently I tell it when we're driving and there's no escape.
fafiy ยท 489 points ยท Posted at 19:50:32 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
A squirrel is living in a pine tree. One day he feels it shaking, looks down, and sees an elephant climbing the tree.
The squirrel asks: "What are you doing climbing my tree?"
"Well, I'm coming up here to eat some pears," says the elephant.
"You idiot, this is a pine tree, there are no pears."
"Well I brought my own pears."
Papajon87 ยท 12 points ยท Posted at 02:06:49 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
So an Australian that was born in a rural village with very limited technology and no streets to speak of visits England. He is wandering around in awe, walking in streets and nearly getting hit by cars when a policeman sees him and he shouts to him, "Oy! You there! Did you come here to die?!" to which the Aussie replies, "Nah mate. I came here yesterday"
Shamic ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 09:49:55 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Funny joke. And I really don't want to be that guy, but australians don't pronounce it like that. We say TOO DAE, I don't know a single person who would say too die. I dont even think the kiwis would say it like that
verheyen ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 13:04:48 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I think its an older accent thing. A lot of these Aussie jokes would have been great for my gdad
That punchline would also work for a Filipino who practiced origami.
Johrel ยท 31 points ยท Posted at 21:36:11 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Being a Filipino, I find this joke amazing!
[deleted] ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 22:15:06 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Call me slow, but I don't get it! :(
Mad_Mat ยท 40 points ยท Posted at 22:24:10 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Manila - The capital of the Philippines.
Filipino - a native of the Philippines.
A Manilla folder is a stationary item (something used to store paper files).
A contortionist - somebody that folds themselves.
All this leads to.. somebody that can fold themselves while living in the philippines. Manila Folder.
[deleted] ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 22:31:28 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Ah, thank you!
setfire3 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 04:57:49 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
There are way too many words I don't understand in this joke. TY
desleaunoi ยท 1144 points ยท Posted at 17:38:24 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)*
My friend had a baby recently. The doctor was weighing the baby when she turned to my friend and said, "I've seen ugly babies before, but not on this scale!"
Edit: to be clear, this is an entirely fake anecdote created for the purpose of the joke.
[deleted] ยท 21 points ยท Posted at 01:45:49 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Similarly from the Drew Carey Show, after Drew gets pranked: "Just like the doctor told your parents when you were born Mimi: it's gonna get ugly."
courtarro ยท 13 points ยท Posted at 03:26:20 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Doctor shows the new parents their newborn baby. "Here's your beautiful new baby boy!"
"Thanks doctor. But I bet you say that about every baby, don't you!"
"Oh no, only when they're beautiful like this one."
"Well what do you say when you present ugly babies to their parents?"
I really want to go to medical school and become a doctor just to use this joke but I'm already stuck in my ways
[deleted] ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 01:20:49 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Jesus I wonder how many times he's cracked that gem out...
gurana ยท 24 points ยท Posted at 01:39:29 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
My wife is an L&D nurse. There's a male ob, when repairing a laceration after a delivery will say, amazingly, "...and one extra stitch for the new dad!"
Tanks4me ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 01:39:45 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I find it mildly amusing that he both called the baby ugly and beautiful at the same time.
op135 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:05:29 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
A virus walks into a bar. The bartender says "Hey! We don't serve viruses here!" The virus takes over the bartender, turns around and says "Now we do!"
An infectious disease walks into a bar. The bartender says "We don't serve infectious diseases here!" The infectious disease says "Well, you're not a very good host."
Two bacteria walk into a bar. The bartender says "We don't serve bacteria here!" The bacteria look at the bartender and say "But we work here. We're staph!"
A room temperature superconductor walks into a bar. The bartender says "We don't serve superconductors here!" The superconductor leaves without putting up any resistance.
An infrared photon walks into a bar and says "Hey! Is it hot in here, or is it me?"
A neutrino walks into a bar. The bartender says "Hey! We don't serve neutrinos here!" The neutrino says "Hey. I was just passing through!"
A photon walks into a hotel. The bellboy asks him "would you like any help with your bags?" to which the photon replies, "no thanks, I'm travelling light."
3jt ยท 9 points ยท Posted at 02:31:32 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Two homosexual atoms in a diatomic gas molecule are randomly walking down Castro Street together. The first atom turns and says, "Hey, you just stole an electron from me!"
"Are you sure?" asks the second atom.
To which the first atom replies, "Yeah, I'm HIV positive!"
To which the second atom replies, "You're Group V, Nitrogen, and if you have four unpaired electrons then... wait... this is a joke about ionization just so you can use the hydrogen ground state solution to the Schrรถdinger equation!"
They high fived their 1s orbitals and chortled between 80nm and 91nm.
A student is taking an organic chemistry test, but is stuck on a 2-choice question concerning the structure of ethers. He can't remember how to draw one, so he tries prying the answer out of the professor. The professor takes a look at the answer choices and says: "It's etheR-O-R."
The worst thing about this is one of the earlier scientists to study electricity got it backwards. It's why electricity flows out of the negative end in batteries, and why something that lost an electron is now 'positive' instead of negative.
A photon checks into a hotel when the concierge asks if he has any luggage he wants brought up to his room. The photon responds "no thanks, I'm traveling light."
The antimatter punchline would be "Oh stop being so negative"
kmarple1 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 06:08:02 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Two chemists walk into a bar. The first one tells the bartender, "I'll have an H2O." The second chemist thinks for a moment and says, "I'll have an H2O, too." He died.
What do you call a guy with no limbs, floating in the ocean?
...Bob.
What do you call a guy with no limbs who sits on your doorstep? ...Matt.
What do you call a guy with no limbs who rolls around in leaves?
...Russel.
Sox2417 ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 17:09:04 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Clubpenguin is a an online in browser game for young kids. Used to be very popular awhile ago but as people grew older it died down. Disney then bought club penguin. Its a 10 year old game by now. People on Reddit love meme about clubpenguin because if you swear in it you get banned for forever if you do it enough.
I am a Pisces who has only one functioning eye. I heard this joke years ago (although phrased as "without an eye" or "with no eye") and since then have called myself fsh.
Colopty ยท 71 points ยท Posted at 22:38:36 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
St Patrick is known for getting rid of the snakes in Ireland (I have no clue on whether or not he actually did and am too lazy to look it up), therefore he is said to have driven them out.
This joke, however, plays with the phrase "driving out of" so that instead of meaning that he got rid of them he was instead the driver on a car trip out of Ireland with a bunch of snakes in the back seat acting as his passengers.
boomerxl ยท 22 points ยท Posted at 00:57:06 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
It's an allegorical account of his conversion of the Irish people, with the old religions being the snakes.
In reality Ireland got too cold for too long during the last ice age and only a single reptile species survived.
eridor0 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 01:10:19 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
It's a play on the use of drive. The story goes that St Patrick drove the snakes out of Ireland, in the sense that he directed them to leave (like a cattle driver). In this joke, the punchline is he asks the snakes how they're doing, as if he's driving them in the back of a truck.
Kazaril ยท 7 points ยท Posted at 06:26:35 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
If it takes a man an hour to walk a mile, how long does it take a flea with a broken ankle to drag half a pound of treacle through the eye of a melting toothpick?
Pinyaka ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:39:50 on July 25, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Congrats on your upcoming wedding (The orange/bicycle/vest joke made me wonder if I knew you when I was younger but after looking at your profile and seeing you in your wedding dress I realize that I don't. Your dress is beautiful btw).
The joke is weirdly widespread apparently. Before Reddit I thought it was just something my weird mom made up to confuse me, but apparently it's a thing.
rabidsi ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 04:14:05 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Actually, it was a statement against logic and intellectualism, which the members of the Dada movement believe led to/caused World War I. It was anti art.
Dada's weird. Then after the war, surrealism comes around and goes: "Hey, let's take those guy's ideas, and mix in some Freudian theories and LSD. This will be great." And then they did shit like automatic art and exquisite corpse poetry & art.
Don't let the people judge you! My boss in the office put me on the spot at work one day and asked me to tell a joke and this is the one that came to mind. This is how it went:
Me: Why is a mexican...
Him (interrupting): NOPE! No, no more.
I just died laughing when it happened, because I know why he stopped me, but the joke is very harmless and my mexican friends love it.
Yeah it does! Just replace Michael with me and Toby with my boss. Michael's joke would have been way more offensive though and it would have been a e-mail with jokes circulated by the "Cluck lux Clan". Must be some type of chicken luxury joke group.
Will Farrell: Hey, funny man, tell me a joke!
Andy: (casting about) How... do... African Americans...
Will Farrell: Hang on, I'll be back in a minute.
Darrel: Go ahead, Andy, finish your joke. How do African Americans?
Andy: I don't know! Can you help me??
VHS_tape ยท 11 points ยท Posted at 02:13:05 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I'm at work and I laughed so obnoxiously hard at this joke, everyone around me, within a 5 mile radius, stopped what they were doing to look at me laugh to myself. I then preceded to shit and piss myself from the uncontrollable laughter. Everyone was still looking at me FYI. My boss then fired me because of my constant disruptive cackling and bowels movements similar to that of an undercooked chocolate lava cake from Chile's.
My wife soon left me, taking the kids with her. I was still laughing. Tears poured from my eyes. I couldn't feel them roll down my face as it was too numb from the profuse laughter. My voice began to hoarse. My abdominal muscles became hard as steel. Shit stained the carpet, and piss covered the house as if the walls were sweating. Folks gathered, from the four corners of the earth, to peer through my shit smeared windows to look. At me. Laughing. Out loud.
I somehow managed to grab my Ruger. I place it my mouth. It's polymer frame grinds against my teeth. I laugh, still, yet it's now only a soft wheeze. I lay in brown halo of my own shit, layered with a crusty film of piss. The stench is foul. People huddle around me, looking.
I pull the trigger.
Bright red blood pools out from the top end of my head along with some skull fragments and brain matter. It mixes with shit and piss about the floor. I'm still alive. For how long? I do not know. Yet, I still laugh. Yet, people still look.
Mexican here, it's used specially by middle to low class people, it started as a gang greeting. And if you're saying hi to a group of you should use the plural form "esos".
bachwiz18 ยท 411 points ยท Posted at 23:12:17 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
An elementary school teacher in Los Angeles asks her class who their favorite basketball team is. All the students say the Lakers, but one little girl says hers is the Warriors. "Why are you a Warriors fan?" the teacher asks. "Because my mom is a Warriors fan, and my dad is a Warriors fan!" the girl replies. The teacher says, "Well you shouldn't just follow what your parents think. What if your mom was a moron and your dad was a moron?" The girl says, "Then I'd be a Lakers fan!"
A woman pregnant with twins gets in a car wreck and falls in a coma. She wakes up weeks later and the nurse informs her that they were able to save the babies, and that they were named and being kept by her brother.
"Oh no!" The mother cries. "My brother is an idiot. He probably gave them awful names!"
The brother shows up hours later with the babies. First he hands her the girl and says "this is Denise."
"Oh thank goodness. Denise is a lovely name. What did you name the boy?" She asked.
He responded "Denephew".
Jaicobb ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 02:31:40 on August 8, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I'm late to this, but must respond.
One of my college roommates went to New Orleans for a missionary trip. He met a lady who named her children Dedwasha and Dedwya. She was nice, but he said she was dumber than a rock and reinforced a lot of negative stereotypes.
Anyways, it wasn't until he returned home that it hit him that the Mom named her kids after The Washer and The Dryer.
rich815 ยท 359 points ยท Posted at 14:53:40 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Why don't cannibals eat clowns? They taste funny.
F0RGERY ยท 448 points ยท Posted at 18:02:25 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I knew a priest who went to south america to try and convert a tribe of cannibals. It was the tribe's first taste of religion.
[deleted] ยท 16 points ยท Posted at 00:42:49 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
What did the cannibal's wife say when he came home late for dinner?
Three men are in a bathroom. One is frantically entering a stall, one is walking out the door, and one is still standing in front of the urinal. What countries are they from?
Easy. The first guy's Russian, the next is Finnish, and the last one... well, I don't know the country, but certainly European.
Mr. Smith, a very wealthy man, is in town on business and towards the end of his trip he decides to take a walk on the docks and take in the ocean view.
As he's walking he comes up on a young boy, maybe 12 years old, crying on the edge of the dock. Mr. Smith hesitates but decides to ask what's wrong.
"Excuse me, Son? Why are you crying?" He asks gently.
The boy wipes away his tears and replies, "Oh, there's just a lot of things going wrong in my life right now. I'm sorry if I bothered you."
Mr. Smith takes note of the boy's politeness, "Is there anything I can do to help? Why don't you tell me what's going on..."
With that the boy breaks down and sobs. He starts going on and on about his troubles. His mother is dying of cancer and can't work. They can't afford the medicine to manage her symptoms. They haven't eaten in days. Not even an hour ago the boy had been caught dumpster diving behind a restaurant for food and was caned by the owner. He tried to go home to his mother but when he got there he saw an eviction notice on the door and he just couldn't bring himself to go inside and give her the news. Everything was just falling apart and he couldn't take it. "So I came here and just cried," he finished.
Mr. Smith was shocked. Of all the people he could have encountered he encountered this boy. He could solve this boy's problems with a single check. But Mr. Smith was a firm believer in earning what you got no matter what it was. As the boy continued to cry, Mr. Smith looked out to the water...
"Son," Mr. Smith began, "What's your name?"
"My name is Johnny." The boy said.
"Johnny, you see that ship out there," he said gesturing to a ship about a mile out from the dock, "I'll make you a deal. If you can swim out to that ship, climb up the mast and wave to me I will write you a check for one million dollars."
Johnny was awestruck. "You really mean it?"
"Absolutely." Mr. Smith confirmed.
Johnny dove into the water without a word and swam like a madman. Mr. Smith watched with a smile on his face but his smile faded when Johnny turned around and came back. When Johnny reached the dock he explained he got too tired too quickly and knew he wouldn't make it.
"Well that's ok, Johnny. Tomorrow let's meet here, same time, and you can try again."
The next day they met and Johnny tried but once again he got fatigued and had to turn back. Mr. Smith asked him if he'd eaten anything and Johnny told him he hadn't. With that, Mr. Smith gave him some money for a small meal and told him tomorrow was his last day in town so if he was going to succeed it had to be then.
The next day Mr. Smith arrived and Johnny was waiting at the dock with a smile on his face. "You all fed and ready?" Mr. Smith asked.
"Yes, Sir" said Johnny. And Johnny dove into the water. This time he was swimming a bit slower. He seemed to be pacing himself.
Mr. Smith watched Johnny get further and further and his smile grew and grew. What a perfect end to a perfect trip. He was going to make a difference in this boy's life.
Johnny made it to the ship. Mr. Smith watched him climb up the mast. Johnny held on with one hand and reached the other out and started to wave victoriously but suddenly he lost his grip! Johnny slipped and fell from the top of the mast all the way down to the ship below with a loud thud that echoed in the distance...
Username checks o... Hey wait a minute, that ain't no medicine, that's that gawd damned loch ness monsta!
roffler ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 03:51:33 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Reminds me of that short story that I had to read a few years ago. I can't remember the name, maybe someone else will remember (wish I did, it was good). But it was about this kid who loves the idea of sailing because his father is a sailor. One day, the dad takes the kid sailing with him and the kid notices something funky off in the distance. Like something swimming towards the ship. He asks his dad what it is, and his dad can't even see it. Curious, his dad asks the rest of the crew if they see it. No one other than the kid, who insists that it's there, can see it. After realizing what is happening, they rush back to shore. The father says to the kid that he can never go back to the sea again. Because that's a monster (or something) that the kid sees. Only people who the monster is going to kill can see the monster. So for the rest of his life, the kid avoids the sea. He actually starts a very successful (land based) trading company. He creates a large fortune for him and his family, but still, he yearns for the sea. He walks on the beach every day and he can still see it off in the distance, and still no one can see it but him. Eventually, as the kid reaches his old age, he decides that it's time to die, and he wants to die doing what he loves. So he goes out to sail for one last time and he watches as the thing approaches. Eventually the thing gets to him, and instead of brutally murdering him, simply says to him "Hey, can I have about tree fiddy?"
[deleted] ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 21:01:14 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I thought it was going to end with Johnny's death.
tehaxor ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 03:20:04 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
If he offered the boy $3.50 it would have been obvious.
superx76 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 06:00:14 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I thought the opposite, I thought Johnny would make it to the ship, and on the way back would drown, ending his sorrows.
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:03:56 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I thought it was going to end with him not reaching it every day but still getting money for food every day so he would keep at it half-assedly for the meal ticket.
[deleted] ยท 250 points ยท Posted at 19:16:41 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I.... I can't comprehend the mutiple levels of this joke. With the setup, it's almost anecdotal, and you're expecting a conclusion to the story. But half of the joke is that it's just a bad pun. The other half of the joke is that it's just a bad pun. I've never felt like this after a joke before.
So congratulations or something, I need to go figure out what to do with my life now.
I love this one. My friend tells it a bit differently though. It's about a boy named Rodney and he's rough and tough and used to hardships. So it goes on about his life and the awful stuff that happens and ends with him falling onto the boat. It can be really embellished if you do it this way.
blay12 ยท 14 points ยท Posted at 01:13:30 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Jokes that can be "embellished" to fill any time frame you need them to are great for annoying people on long car/bus/plane rides! I've picked up a few great ones, but I think that the most people are familiar with the ping pong ball story. Stretched that one out to nearly 2 hours once, it was actually a pretty good story!
igloojoe ยท 8 points ยท Posted at 00:01:40 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I've heard this one before. The guy telling the joke said it different. He probably wasted a full hour expanding the joke to finally get to the punchline. Definitely one of my favorite time wasters now when people have nothing to do.
NeetoPp ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 00:32:48 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
So Johnny died, his mother probably died on the streets and Mr fucking Smith just made the boy kill himself.
Great story 10/10 would see a movie about it.
JohnFest ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 06:10:17 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
It was going to get dark soon, so I had better head back. Mother would be expecting me, and I would dare not let her down. How long had it been? A month? two? No, it had to have been a month and a half, because her surgery was on the 15th, and she came to me right after that. I sighed.
I slowly rose from the little table, hesitant to stand, for by standing one subtly admits responsibility, the responsibility of those who stand, and thus elevate themselves above others. I looked around, but no one else seemed to even notice that I had stood, and continued their conversations, sipping their drinks, and reading their emails. They all had lives of their own to live, and thus could not be bothered to acknowledge that another, totally foreign human, took on mundane responsibility via the act of rising to his feet.
I strolled out of the cafe, and turned on to the busy street. All of these people were here, all of whom had places to be. They were as ephemeral in my life as I was in theirs, showing for only the briefest of moments, before moving on to whatever they were going to, unhindered by my brief cameo in whatever larger story they are the protagonist of. I, too, go on unhindered by their presence, to my destination. Do they think of this, as well? Do they think of all of the random faces that pass them by? Does anyone else look out of an airplane window and see all the lights below, and realize that every single one of those lights is reflective of another life, completely separate from their own, living out their own story, with their own ambitions, and their own dreams unique to them alone? Or do they pay these others, these extras, no mind, as they are not even side characters, and thus cannot be worthy of thought?
I continued walking, and stared straight ahead. I did not want to even know if there were others there, much less be forced to acknowledge their existence, and have them enter my life as yet another extra. I shifted my thoughts to mother. She was more than an extra, and therefore mattered. Was she alright? I had only left her alone for a mere 2 hours while I ran some errands, but that was enough time for any number of things to go wrong. Would she even recognize me today? With her dementia worsening, she often forgot who I was, and I was reduced to an extra in her eyes, even while she was a main character in mine.
I finally reached the door to my house, and knocked. Would this be the knock of a familiar man, or of just an extra, coming in for a brief cameo in this old woman's life, and then leaving when more errands had to be done, to be forgotten again, and have to start over as a fresh, new side character? I opened the door. Get on the floor. Everybody walk the dinosaur.
No, this story builds up to the punchline it just builds anticipation.
The point of a shaggy dog story is that humor comes in wasting your time. They either have no punchline or the context for the punchline was given immediately then followed by a lot of context that isn't relevant.
In this case, the two parts of the story built up to the punchline. Each part (experiencing hardships and falling to the hard ship) existed to give the punchline the double meaning.
A blonde is driving a bit too fast, and is pulled over by a blonde cop.
The blonde cop says "let me see your driver's license".
The blonde driver starts fumbling through her overstuffed purse, but can't seem to find her license.
The cop says "c'mon, it can't be that hard to find. It's rectangular and has your picture on it."
The blonde driver continues rifling through the purse, and finally feels the only rectangular object in her purse: a small mirror.
She looks at it, sees herself, shrugs and hands it to the cop.
The blonde cop takes one look and says "why didn't you tell me you're a cop? Have a nice day.
[deleted] ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 04:45:32 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Only joke in this thread that cracked me up irl.
bc2zb ยท 155 points ยท Posted at 19:17:06 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Allegedly also the funniest joke in the world as well.
Two men are hunting in the woods, a deer crosses their path and in the ensuing confusion, one hunter shoots the other with his gun. The shot man drops to the ground silent and appears to be near death. The shooter calls 911 and tells the operator, "Help, I think I just killed my friend!"
The 911 operator replies, "Ok sir, first things first, let's make sure your friend is dead."
The shooter replies, "Hang on a second". The sound of a gunshot can be heard by the operator. The man returns to the phone and replies, "Alright, now what?"
why did sally fall off the swing
she had no arms
why didn't sally get back up
she had no legs
why didn't anyone help sally
she has no friends
knock knock
who's there
not sally
Sven and Ole are hunting. Ole bags a deer. They grab it by its hind legs and start dragging it towards Sven's truck. It is slow, difficult going. After a time, the come across another hunter who gives them some advice. "Fellas," he says, "a guy could have an easier time of it dragging that deer by his antlers. As it is, they're dragging along the ground, getting caught in the roots and underbrush. It's making your task a lot harder than it has to be."
So Sven and Ole drop the back hooves, and start dragging the deer by the antlers. After a while, they have this conversation -
Ole: Sven, I gotta tell ya, I'm not too sure we got good advice from that other fella back there.
Sven: Oh yeah? Why's that?
Ole: Well, sure, it's a lot easier going now. The hooves aren't getting caught on anything in the ground like the antlers were, and we're moving along at a good pace. But ever since we starting dragging this guy by the antlers, we're just getting further and further away from the truck.
Non G-rated:
Sven and Ole go deer hunting. They get one deer the first day, but don't have any luck on the second, so Sven says to Ole, "Ole, I tell you what. You go 'round that hill and come back the other side. I'll wait here, and if you drive any deer before you, I'll blast 'em! Then I'll try to drive 'em to you." Ole agrees this is a good idea and sets off.
Sven waits.
And waits.
And waits.
After waiting a long time, he starts to get worried and goes out looking for Ole. He hears Ole grunting and swearing so he starts running, sure he must have hurt himself. When he comes up on Ole, Ole is holding on to a tree, pants around his ankles, eyes shut tight, straining to take a dump and things are not going well.
As it happens they are pretty close to the spot where they shot that deer the other day, so Sven gets an idea. He runs back to the gut pile and picks up the offal, sneaks back and puts it under Ole's ass without Ole noticing. Then, snickering, Sven sneaks back to the spot he was supposed to wait for Ole.
And waits.
And waits.
He starts to get worried until he hears Ole coming around the hill, whistling. "Ole, there you are! I was gettin' worried!"
"Sven old pal, I was just taking a dump over there. And you know what I did? I was straining so hard I shit my guts out!"
Sven starts cracking up. Ole continues. "It's ok though, I got 'em back in."
Instead of turning the deer around so they could drag it to the car by the antlers, they left the deer in the same position so they were dragging it the other way.
Two hotdogs are on an grill.
One says to the other "Wow, it sure is hot in here!"
The other screams "OMG a talking muffin!!"
.
You're right it does work!
I heard Hank Green say this in one of his "50 jokes in 4 minutes" videos. I had to pause the video for about 5 min because I was laughing to so hard. The way he said it was awesome
I've only ever heard this joke one place, and I've heard it enough times there to drive me crazy. It's to the point where I wonder where you first heard it.
I knew it! I had a guy in my troop say this joke at an OA conclave one time, and every single campout after that someone in my troop would have to repeat it. This lasted well past when the original teller move to Missouri. Also, my old troop's current scoutmaster (my father, so we speak now and then) tells me this joke is still a thing.
This is my go-to for favorite g-rated jokes. Nothing beats it.
updn ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:31:15 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Heard it differently, but it isn't G rated, I guess:
Two muffins are in an oven. One says, "Dude, I am so baked!".
The other muffin replies, " oh my God, a talking muffin!"
PanchDog ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 20:14:05 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
That's actually exactly the kind of joke a G rated movie would make. Make the parents laugh, kids don't know why but can also laugh at the muffin freaking out.
I'm not sure you commented on the right joke matey...
bizitmap ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 23:59:17 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Nope, I really took three hours to tell the muffin joke.
I was in high school, playing sound tech for a school play, my buddy Pete is on spotlight. I say over the headset. "Hey. Pete." "Yeah?" "Two muffins are sitting in an oven. First muff-" "QUIET on sound booth." hisses a backstage hand over their wireless. I wait a few minutes. The kindergarteners dressed as Munchkins take the stage, squawking out off-key vocals. "Hey Pete. "...what." "So the first muffin says, Gosh it's hot in h-" "Bizitmap we can hear you all the way back here. Quiet."
This continues on for three hours, I'm never able to get the joke out, and Pete is getting more and more angry that he doesn't know the punchline that by the time the Fly Monkeys Fly, all I have to do is say "Hey Pete" and the spotlight beam shudders as he can't contain his rage.
Finally, as we reach the climactic resolution of the show, Toto breaks loose and runs off the front of the stage with a tremendous thud, distracting the stagehands for just a few precious moments.
"Hey P-"
"WHAT. WHAT DID THE SECOND MUFFIN SAY."
"He said, holy shit it's a talking muffin!"
"...I'm going to stab your extended fucking family"
Reminds me of Muffin Films. I haven't thought about those videos in a long time.
[deleted] ยท 77 points ยท Posted at 20:56:49 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)*
A Shetland pony walks into a bar, and whispers to the barman "Pint of bitter, please."
The barman cranes his neck and says "Sorry mate, what?"
The pony whispers "A pint of bitter please"
The barman, a little annoyed now, says "Look mate, you'll have to speak up, I can't hear you..."
...and the pony replies "Sorry about that, I'm a little hoarse."
A lion walks into a bar, bartender goes"what are you having?", lion replies "..........................a beer", bartender says "hey, why the long pause?"
teddyzx5 ยท 16 points ยท Posted at 16:54:51 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
One of my favorites is similar:
A bear walks into a bar and says, "I'll have a gin.........and tonic." The bartender says, "What's with the big pause?". The bear explains, "I'm a bear".
Horse replies, "i've just been diagnosed with stage 4 brain cancer"
inahst ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 04:08:07 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
The horse does not respond because it is a horse. It can neither speak nor understand English. It is confused by its surroundings and gallops out of the bar, knocking over a few tables.
[deleted] ยท 8 points ยท Posted at 22:18:46 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
You wanna know the last thing my Uncle Bobby told me before he kicked the bucket?
"Hey, I'm gonna kick this bucket!"
Maoman1 ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 01:33:57 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
My mom heard this a while back and absolutely lost her shit. She told that joke to everyone and I think the only one who laughed nearly as hard as she did is her mom.
Me too, I was reading it at work and my coworker asked what it was and I was like "just some sort story... Wait a second this is supposed to be a joke, wtf"
I once told the Longest Joke in the World to a live audience. People applauded, but probably more for my weird dedication to telling it than for the actual punchline.
it's a shaggy dog story, the whole point is that it's really long and ends with a pun that isn't even that funny. the humor comes from the fact that all of the buildup was for nothing. there may be some slightly condensed versions of this one out there, but they're still going to be long.
going to prom
need tux
long tux line
need flower wrist band thing
long flower wrist band thing line
need limo
long limo line
be at prom with date
get her some punch
no punch line
[deleted] ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 22:41:45 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I enjoyed that more than I probably should have.
Also, the "flower wrist band thing" is called a corsage. Not that anyone cares.
Two scientists walk into a bar. The first scientist says "I'll have a glass of h2o please." The second scientist says "I'll have a glass of h2o too". And then he died.
plumbtree ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 03:20:38 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)*
Well...to be direct, it doesn't really make any sense the way you wrote it. Is English perhaps a second language for you? If so, good on ya for being fluent in more languages than me!
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:03:36 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Michael J Fox has Parkinson's - one of the primary symptoms is an incessant, jittery shaking of the body.
So, the joke is leading you towards assuming that it's going to be some kind of punchline leaning on the symptom of Parkinson's but then turns it on its head by shorting the implied punchline and referencing the quality ingredients he uses to make his milk shakes.
The New Zealand accent has a unique effect on vowel pronunciation.
In most varieties of English, "sex" uses the phoneme /ษ/ for the vowel, but New Zealand English turned it into /e/ and then into /ษช/.
The result is that "six" and "sex" are pronounced virtually identically in New Zealand English, while other varieties and accents pronounce them distinctly.
[deleted] ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 22:43:47 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
[deleted]
[deleted] ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 06:46:53 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Yeah, they sounds similar but definitely different. They probably sound identical to people non familiar with the accent though, most of the world can't differentiate between Aus and NZ accents for the most part in any case.
I'd say that it's really the opposite of what people are saying here. "Sex" sounds more like someone saying "six", rather than the other way around.
t3sture ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:51:21 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Not sure why you're being down voted. I was sure your joke was meant to be read in an Australian accent with the question mark indicating question intonation. But I'm probably over thinking it.
There was this butcher. One day, a medium-sized dog comes into his shop where he worked. Curious, the butcher investigates and notices that the beast had a twenty dollar bill and a hand-written note. The note read:
I need a leg of lamb. Just give it to the dog. Keep the change.
The butcher shrugs and decides to go ahead and fulfill the order. While he packaged the meat, the dog sat patiently the whole time. Then the butcher gave the dog a plastic bag with a small leg of lamb, and the dog took the handle in his mouth and walked out of the door.
Scratching his head, the butcher looks after the dog, wondering who would send their pet on errands. He closes down the shop and follows the dog to a bus stop. The pooch looks up at the time table and hops on the bench, sitting patiently. The butcher laughs, because there was no way a dog could read a sign. So he sits down next to the dog, who ignores him.
Fifteen minutes pass and a bus rolls around and stops. The dog calmly gets up and walks straight onto the bus. Perplexed, the butcher follows him onto the bus and sits down. The bus travels to the outer edge of town before stopping, releasing the dog and the butcher.
Dog then walks briskly down the sidewalk past many houses before stopping in front of one. He tries to push the door open, but the door won't budge. So he puts down the bag of meat, looks up at the door, and repeatedly beats his head on the wood. The butcher stands in shock. Soon, a burly man opens the door and begins to yell at the dog and smack his muzzle, causing the butcher to intervene.
"Stop! What are you doing?!" The butcher says. "This dog has come into my shop, made a purchase, and even taken a bus. I daresay he's a genius!"
"Genius my arse," the man said. "The ruddy beast forgot his key."
[deleted] ยท 24 points ยท Posted at 20:27:37 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Two men are drinking in a bar in a high rise in the city. They've both had quite a few when one says to the other, "I'll bet you fifty bucks I can go out on that balcony, step off the edge, and a gust of wind will pick me up and put me safely back on the balcony."
The second man tells the first he should maybe take it easy on the drinks now, but the first is so insistent that he pulls a crisp fifty dollar bill from his wallet and slaps it on the bar with a challenging grin.
So they walk to the balcony and stand there a moment. Sure enough, the moment the first man steps off the balcony and begins to fall, a huge gust of wind kicks up and sets him right back on the balcony.
The second man is beside himself. He is just beginning to stammer out a question when the first man, bright red from booze, says confidently "Double or nothing I can do it again!"
Positive nobody's luck can be that good, the second man produces a hundred dollar bill and places it on the table.
A second step off the balcony, a second gust of wind, a second return to the balcony.
The second man demands to know how it's done. The first man tells him to wait for the wind to start before he steps, and bets the man double the current pot that he can do it too.
Feeling quite bold having just seen the other guy do it twice, the second man slaps his cash on the table, and stands on the edge of the balcony. As the wind picks up, he steps off the edge - - and falls to his death.
The first man picks up the money from the table, and as he walks back inside counting his winnings, the bartender says to him, "Superman, you really have to stop messing with my customers like that."
The first man picks up the money from the table, and as he walks back inside counting his winnings, the bartender says to him, "You know you're really a jerk when you're drunk, Superman!"
One cold winter's morning he was walking along a country road, when he heard a cry for help from a nearby lake.
Without a moment's hesitation he ran out onto the ice and slipped and slided over to a little girl. He managed to pull her out without breaking the ice further and carried her back to the road. He took off his coat and wrapped her in it and then began looking for a car to flag down.
The father drives up. "How can I ever thank you sir?" he says after putting his daughter into the warmth of the limo. "Just name your price - I'm a wealthy man."
"Ahem, well ..." stammered the tramp "...eh I'm a little short of cash, perhaps you could help me out"
"Oh dear" says the father, "I don't carry much cash with me, I only have ten dollars - but come home with me and I'll get more from the safe"
"No! No!" says the tramp, "Why ten dollars is more money than I've seen in my whole life - that will be plenty".
"Ten Dollars" thinks the tramp, "I'm rich! I'm rich!", and off he goes to the town, to buy himself a holiday.
He finds a travel agent, walks in - much to the disgust of the staff - and goes up to the desk. "I'll have one holiday please!"
"Ahem, which holiday would sir like" asked the girl at the desk, forcing a smile.
"Oh, any holiday I don't mind, anything up to ten dollars" replied the tramp.
"TEN DOLLARS!! You'll never get a holiday for ten dollars" says the girl incredulously.
She goes into the back of the shop, and searches in the deepest, dustiest filing drawers she can find. There - to her amazement - she finds an old file.
"Well you'll never believe it" she says to the tramp, back in the shop. "I've got you a holiday - its a super-duper, ultra-hyper, mega-economy class round the world cruise - and it costs ten dollars"
"Yippee", exclaims the tramp, "I'll take it"
A few days later he arrives at the port, and there in the dock is the most beautiful, most elaborately decorated, most expensive looking ocean-going liner he has ever seen.
"Get off my ship ye dirty bum!" shouts a voice, and an irate captain storms down the gangplank and kicks the tramp down onto the dockside.
"But I've got my ticket!", responds the tramp, "Super-duper, ultra- hyper, mega-economy class, and I want on!"
"Ahem, well O.K.", says the captain, "But you can't come on just now, I don't want my first-class passengers seeing you. Come back at midnight when it's dark and I'll let you on then."
So the tramp finds himself a quiet spot among some cargo cases on the dockside, and he falls asleep.
"Psst", says a voice, waking him with a start. It was the captain. "Hurry up, it's midnight, let's get you to your cabin"
The tramp toddles after the captain, along the dockside, up the gangway, and onto the ship - and what a ship!
First they went down through the first class level:
Oriental carpets - 6" pile. A genuine Rembrandt on every wall. Leave your shoes outside for cleaning, and the steward brings a new pair. 24 ct gold trim everywhere.
Then the second class:
As above, but perhaps the carpets were only 3" deep, and so on...
3rd, 4th, 5th class,
down past the casinos,
and the ballrooms,
down through the crew's quarters,
down through the galleys, and the engine rooms,
until finally,
at the lowest point in the ship,
against the very hull,
the captain opens a watertight door into a tiny 7' x 4' cabin, with a hammock, a bedside table, and an alarm clock.
"Sheer luxury!" exclaimed the tramp, "A room of my very own."
"I'm glad you like it" replies the captain, "but there is one more thing..." "Your class of ticket only allows you to use the facilities of the ship, at night - when all the other passengers are asleep. So that's what the alarm clock is for. Enjoy your cruise."
Well the cruise began, and the tramp had a whale of a time. Sleeping by day, and up on deck at night - he loved it. One-man-tennis, clay pigeon shooting, more food than he'd ever seen...
Then one morning, a week or so into the cruise, the tramp decided he'd have a go on the diving board of the pool. He had just enough time for one dive before he had to go below.
He climbed up the ladder, stepped onto the board tip, bounced, and dived....
....and what a dive...!
Perfectly poised in the air, he hit the water without so much as a ripple.
Now unknown to him, the captain - who'd grown rather fond of the poor old tramp - was standing watching this.
"That was amazing!" exclaimed the captain, "Where did you learn to dive like that?"
"Eh, well I've never actually dived before" replied the tramp.
"Well that's incredible!" says the captain,
"I've never seen...."
He broke off.
"Hey, I've an idea", he started again.
"How would you like to train a bit, and we'll put on a show for the other passengers. I'll pay you, and you can then afford to go first class!"
"It's a deal!" says our man.
For the next 3 weeks the tramp practices like he's never practiced before. Back-flips, front-flips, triple-back sideways axled dives, you name it he tried it.
Then one morning the captain came to talk.
"O.K. I'd like you to stay in your cabin for the next 2 days. We're going to erect a high diving board for you."
"O.K." agreed the tramp.
Two days passed, and the big day arrived. The ship was humming with excitement. Everyone wanted to see the mystery diver. The captain had provided the tramp with a new pair of swimming trunks and he wore these as he stepped out onto the sun-beaten deck.
Gasps of astonishment from the crowd, and a hushed awe.
Higher than the eye could see, towering up and up, rose a slender column of metal.
"Well tramp" said the captain, shaking his hand, "Let's see what you can do." And with that the Captain handed him a walkie talkie.
And the tramp began to climb...
up and up...
below him the ship grew smaller...
on and on...
past a solitary albatross...
and still higher...
till the ship was but a speck on the ocean below...
and on still further...
till the ocean grew dim...
and the earth itself...
began to shrink...
past our moon...
and on...
and mars...
and on...
higher, and higher...
through the asteroid belt...
and on and on towards the diving board...
past the outer planets, until...
on the outermost reaches of the Solar System...
he reached the board.
He climbed on top and radioed the captain...
and then...
he jumped
slowly at first
but speeding up
faster, and faster speeding past Pluto and the other outer planets
.
through the asteroid belt:
past Mars,
and the moon,
faster,
and faster,
faster - ever faster,
and by now the earth was growing large in the distance,
the oceans and land masses grew clear,
faster, and faster...
past the albatross,
double-back somersault,
and he could see the ship, tiny in the distance,
hurtling down now, he posed, ready for the final 500 feet,
Down on the ship the crew strained their necks,
"I CAN SEE HIM!" yelled a passenger, "LOOK!!"
The tramp streaked down towards the pool, did a last triple flip, and dove...
NOT A RIPPLE ON THE SURFACE!
DOWN THROUGH THE WATER!
SMASHED THROUGH THE POOL BOTTOM!
DOWN THROUGH THE FIRST DECK!
SMASHING THROUGH THE SECOND!
DOWN!
DOWN!
THROUGH THE CREW'S QUARTERS!
THROUGH THE ENGINE ROOMS!
SMASHING THROUGH HIS OWN LITTLE CABIN!
AND DOWN THROUGH THE STEEL HULL OF THE SHIP!
STILL DOWN...!
DEEPER,
DEEPER INTO THE MURKY DEPTHS,
TILL..........
SMASH! Into the sea bed, sinking a 37' shaft in the process.
Desperate for air he struggle out of the shaft, his lungs bursting he swam frantically for the surface.
Up and up, desperate, gasping...
Out of the water, up the ladder onto the deck of the ship, into a throng wild with acclaim.
HERO! WONDERFUL! AMAZING! BLOODY GOOD SHOW THAT!
And handing him a heated towel the captain spoke, as a hush fell over the crowd.
"Well tramp, I have NEVER seen anything like that, EVER.
That was the most STUPENDOUS piece of diving I have ever seen"
The tramp blushed.
The captain went on:
"But tell me, most amazing of all is how you survived smashing through this boat after you dived - how did you do it."
And the tramp looked at the captain, and the crowd and replied modestly:
ceriee ยท 22 points ยท Posted at 19:36:43 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Me: Doctor you've got to help me, I'm addicted to Twitter.
Doctor: I don't follow you.
zubaba ยท 24 points ยท Posted at 21:30:41 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Two drums and a cymbal fall off a cliff.
Ba-dum tssh.
Apple_Cup ยท 12 points ยท Posted at 01:35:42 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Knock Knock.
Who's there?
To.
To who?
No, "To whom".
Koufas ยท 10 points ยท Posted at 02:23:19 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
What cheese is made backwards?
Edam
theloyd ยท 11 points ยท Posted at 02:34:45 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
A professor tells his class "In some languages, like Spanish, a double negative in the sentence still gives the sentence a negative meaning. In English, a double negative in a sentence gives the sentence a positive meaning. However, there is no language in the world where a double positive in a sentence will provide you with a negative meaning."
From the back of the room a kid just chuckles, "Yeah, right."
Bill and ben talk like "flobbleobbadob" ie, the sound farts make in the bath. ๐
Leaga ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 23:36:59 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I always tell this joke as "You drive! I'll man the guns!" To me it's funnier because for a moment I get to play the role of a fish really excited to fire off large caliber weapons.
Three pieces of string walk into a bar, hop up on stools. "Gimme drinks" says one string. The bartender stares in disbelief, then finally says, "I ain't serving no strings in my bar, people would call me crazy!" And he throws them out onto the sidewalk.
The strings get up and dust themselves off. Two are about to leave when the third says, "Wait a minute, I got an idea."
The third string throws himself repeatedly to the ground, runs up against the brick wall of the bar, and generally beats himself up. Then he twists and turns until he's looped around himself.
He walks into the bar and hops onto a bar stool. "Gimme a drink!" he says.
"Say," says the bartender. "Ain't you one of them strings I just threw out?"
Note: this joke only works in the delivery, and doesn't work as a written joke, however, it is probably one of my favorite jokes of all time. Delivery is KEY, and it can actually take a little practice
Why can't Norwegians tell good jokes?Timing.
The key is to say "Timing" almost immediately, but not so quickly that people can't tell you've stated 2 sentences in the form of a question and answer. Too quickly, and it comes off like a single sentence to the listener and they don't understand what you just said. Too late and it just sounds like normal speech. Also, sub "Norwegians" for any group you want.
Two cats are walking along the beach, one is named one, two, three and the other is un, deux, trois. Suddenly the tide comes in really quickly. Swimming for their lives, only one of them makes it to shore. Which cat survived?
The english cat of course. Un, deux, trois cat sank.
[deleted] ยท 8 points ยท Posted at 04:43:54 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
this is all in the delivery and not the reading.
what's Whitney Houston's favorite type of coordination?
Hand-eyeeeeee-ye-eyeeeeee
kpatable ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 04:57:42 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
The first scientist says โIโll have a glass of H2Oโย .
The second scientist says โIโll have a glass of water too. Whโฆ why did you say H2O? Like, I know itโs the chemical formula for water and all, but itโs the end of the day and thereโs really no need to intentionally over-complicate things like that in a situation outside of workโย .
The first scientist stares at his drink, angry that his assassination plan has failed.
I got this from /u/emwilauka About a year ago when this same question was asked.
A cop is sitting in his usual speed trap spot and sees a truck drive by with the back full of penguins. He is understandably perplexed so he pulls the truck over.
"Excuse me sir, but why do you have all those penguins in the back of your truck?"
"I'm sorry officer, but I just don't know what to do with them!"
Incredulous, the officer responds, "take them to the zoo!"
The driver thanks the officer and drives off. The next day the cop is in the same spot and dang-it-all if that same truck doesn't drive by again, but this time the penguins are all wearing sunglasses. The frustrated cop again pulls the truck over.
"I thought I told you to take those penguins to the zoo!"
Two cannibals are eating Amy Schumer. One turns to the other and says "Does this taste funny to you?" The other says "No."
Murais ยท 11 points ยท Posted at 03:26:30 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Best knock-knock joke I was ever told:
"Knock-Knock!"
"Who's there?"
Say nothing. Pause. Look at this person blankly. Do nothing. Wait.
The next part takes some comedic timing. Wait until the conversation moves on, preferably with others friends around you. When the time is right (not too long, not too soon), blurt out:
"... A SNAIL!"
Fix yourself with the smarmiest, "I'm-a-cheeky-bastard" look you can muster.
People fucking DIE when you do it right.
[deleted] ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 01:37:29 on February 14, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
[deleted]
yawnston ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 07:53:23 on February 14, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
When in bear country it's very important to carry pepper spray, put bells on your clothes, and recognize bear scat. The bells will alert bears that you're in the area, the pepper spray will chase them off if they get close, and you can recognize bear scat because it smells like pepper and has bells in it.
alascass ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 23:57:01 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
What do you get when you cross an ape and a pie?
A meringue-atang.
[deleted] ยท 7 points ยท Posted at 00:54:11 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Once upon a time, in the purple kingdom of Purpalon, there lived a purple king. One purple day this purple King, who was purply named Purple Purple the fifth, called his purple son, the purple prince Purple Purple the sixth, over to his purple side.
"My purple son," the purple king said to purple prince Purple Purple the sixth, "in another purple kingdom a very short purple distance away there lives another purple king. This purple king has a purple princess that I think that you should marry. Here she is, the purple Princess Purplina Purple of Purplonia."
Purple prince Purple Purple the sixth, upon seeing the purple princess Purplina Purple of Purplonia, agreed to marry her. And so, one fine purple day, in the purple garden, Prince Purple Purple the sixth and stood by the purple altar and watched his purple bride-to-be, the purple princess Purplina Purple of Purplonia, march down the purple aisle wearing a purple wedding dress and carrying a bouquet of purple flowers. Just as the purple princess Purplina Purple of Purplonia reached the purple altar, however, an evil purple magician appeared and cast a purple spell on the purple princess. In a purply moment, the purple princess Purplina Purple of Purplonia had vanished.
"What have you done?" cried the purple prince Purple Purple the sixth.
"I have sent the purple princess Purplina Purple of Purplonia to a purple cave in the purple mountain Mount Purpletop. There, in her purple cave, she is guarded by the purple dragon Purplefang. The purple princess Purplina Purple of Purplonia is purply safe there, but the purple dragon Purplefang, will not let her rejoin the purple kingdoms of Purpalon and Purplonia."
"You are purply insane," the purple prince Purple Purple the sixth said to the Purple magician, but the purple magician had vanished.
"What are you going to do, my purple son?" the purple king Purple Purple the fifth of Purpalon asked his son, the purple prince Purple Purple the sixth.
"I am going to take my purple horse, Purple Lightning, and my purple sword, Purple Death, and go slay the purple dragon Purplefang and rescue the fair purple maiden the purple princess Purplina Purple of Purplonia."
"May the purple God speed you well on your purple journey," the purple king Purple Purple the fifth of Purpalon purply blessed his purple son, the purple prince Purple Purple the sixth. With that, the purple prince Purple Purple the sixth got his purple sword, Purple Death, and his purple horse, Purple Lightning, and rode off to the purple mountain of Mount Purpletop and the purple cave thereon, in which lived the purple dragon Purplefang and his purple prisoner the purple princess Purplina Purple of Purplonia.
The purple hero of this purple story, the purple prince Purple Purple the sixth of Purpalon, rode his purple horse Purple Lightning over many purple miles over many purple roads and through many purple fields. He crossed many purple streams and many purple mountains, though none of them were the purple mountain of Mount Purpletop and the purple cave thereon, in which lived the purple dragon Purplefang and his purple prisoner the purple princess Purplina Purple of Purplonia. When the purple prince Purple Purple the sixth crossed these purple mountains, he trudged his way through purple snow. Purple sand lined the purple deserts he crossed, and there was purple water in the purple oasises.
Eventually, the purple horse Purple Lightning got tired, so the purple prince Purple Purple the sixth carried his purple horse Purple Lightning over many purple miles over many purple roads and through many purple fields. He crossed many purple streams and many purple mountains, though none of them were the purple mountain of Mount Purpletop and the purple cave thereon, in which lived the purple dragon Purplefang and his purple prisoner the purple princess Purplina Purple of Purplonia. When the purple prince Purple Purple the sixth crossed these purple mountains, he trudged his way through purple snow. Purple sand lined the purple deserts he crossed, and there was purple water in the purple oasises.
Finally, the Purple prince Purple Purple the sixth reached the purple mountain Mount Purpletop. There, in a purple cave on top of the purple mountain, Prince Purple Purple the sixth of Purpalon could see the purple smoke from the purple dragon Purplefang who lived in the purple cave in which the purple princess Purplina Purple of Purplonia was a purple prisoner. Our purple hero, the purple prince Purple Purple the sixth of Purpalon, climbed the purple mountain Mount Purpletop and slew the purple dragon Purplefang as the purple beast slept purply. The purple prince Purple Purple the sixth of Purpalon rescued the purple princess Purplina Purple of Purplonia. But their purple adventures were not yet come to their purple close. They still had to get home purple and sound.
So...
The purple hero of this purple story, the purple prince Purple Purple the sixth of Purpalon, and the newly rescued purple heroine, the purple princess Purplina Purple of Purplonia, rode the purple horse Purple Lightning over many purple miles over many purple roads and through many purple fields. He crossed many purple streams and many purple mountains, though none of them were the same purple mountain of Mount Purpletop which in the purple cave thereon the purple prince Purple Purple the sixth slew the purple dragon Purplefang and rescued the purple prisoner the purple princess Purplina Purple of Purplonia. When the purple prince Purple Purple the sixth crossed these purple mountains, he trudged his way through purple snow. Purple sand lined the purple deserts he crossed, and there was purple water in the purple oasises.
Eventually, the purple horse Purple Lightning got tired, so the purple prince Purple Purple the sixth carried his purple horse Purple Lightning and the newly rescued purple heroine, the purple princess Purplina Purple of Purplonia, over many purple miles over many purple roads and through many purple fields. He crossed many purple streams and many purple mountains, though none of them were the same purple mountain of Mount Purpletop which in the purple cave thereon the purple prince Purple Purple the sixth slew the purple dragon Purplefang and rescued the purple prisoner the purple princess Purplina Purple of Purplonia. When the purple prince Purple Purple the sixth crossed these purple mountains, he trudged his way through purple snow. Purple sand lined the purple deserts he crossed, and there was purple water in the purple oasises.
Eventually, The purple hero of this purple story, the purple prince Purple Purple the sixth of Purpalon, got tired, so the newly rescued purple heroine, the purple princess Purplina Purple of Purplonia, carried the purple horse Purple Lightning and the purple prince Purple Purple the sixth of Purpalon over many purple miles over many purple roads and through many purple fields. She crossed many purple streams and many purple mountains, though none of them were the same purple mountain of Mount Purpletop which in the purple cave thereon the purple prince Purple Purple the sixth slew the purple dragon Purplefang and rescued the purple prisoner the purple princess Purplina Purple of Purplonia. When the purple prince Purple Purple the sixth crossed these purple mountains, he trudged his way through purple snow. Purple sand lined the purple deserts he crossed, and there was purple water in the purple oasises.
Purple alases and purple alaks, though, for it seems our purple heroes, the purple prince Purple Purple the sixth of Purpalon and the purple princess Purplina Purple of Purplonia got lost on their way home, for they wandered into the purple kingdom of an evil purple king, the evil purple king Purple Purponovov of Purplovia. This evil purple man had the purple heroes,the purple prince Purple Purple the sixth of Purpalon and the purple princess Purplina Purple of Purplonia, arrested and thrown into the purple dungeon. Just before the evil purple king Purple Purponovov of Purplovia threw them in, however, he said....
"Indigo."
[deleted] ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 09:27:13 on August 9, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
This one is one of my favorites:
Holmes and Watson go on a camping trip.
After a heavy dinner and a good bottle of wine they retire for the night.
At around 3 a.m. Holmes wakes Watson:
"Watson, look at the sky and tell me what you see"
"I can see the stars"
Holmes response: "what does that tell you?"
He ponders upon it for a minute before giving his answer:
"Astronomically, that there are potentially billions of stars and planets"
"Astrologically, Saturn is in Leo"
"Horologically, the time is a little past 3"
"Theologically, I see that God is all powerful and we are insignificant"
"Meteorologically, I believe tomorrow will be a beautiful day"
"What does it tell you Holmes?"
Holmes remained silent for a moment, then spoke:
"Watson, you idiot. Someone has stolen our tent."
๐๏ธ Alkomb ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 09:47:04 on August 9, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Wow, that's awesome, ha. Thanks! 1st time up-voting someone/something on here in ages!
A guy goes to his psychiatrist because he's having trouble sleeping. He says "Doc - I've been having the strangest dreams: two nights ago I dreamt I was a wig-wam and last night I dreamt I was a tee-pee." The psychiatrist thinks for a moment and says "I know exactly what's wrong with you - you are too tense" (two tents).
A panda walks into a restaurant and sits down at a table. He has a nice meal, and when he is finished, he stands up, shoots his waiter, and walks out the door. The owner of the restaurant runs out after the panda and yells, "What just happened!? Why did you shoot my waiter!?"
The panda responds, "I'm a panda. Look me up in the dictionary."
The owner runs back into the restaurant, finds a dictionary, and looks up the word "panda".
"Panda: a large land mammal with distinct black-and-white coloration that eats shoots and leaves." ("eats, shoots and leaves")
This is one you have to tell out loud, but it's always been one of my favorites.
A man returns to his friends house to tell him that he had to shoot the his hunting dog that the friend had borrowed. The upset friend said why did you shoot my dog? The friend said " well we went to the first brush pile and he barked twice and two sucks flew out, then at the next brush pile he barked three times and three ducks flew out, then we got to the third brush pile and he ran into it and came out with a stick shaking his head like crazy, I assumed he was ill and shot him". No cried the friend, he was telling you that there were more ducks than you could shake a stick at
Teacher is handing back test papers
Gives two boys in the back of her class theirs, all the same answers, one A, one F.
The boy who failed exclaims! Hey! This isn't fair! We had all the same answers and you gave ME an F.
The teacher calmly says
"You cheated, you copied Timmys test"
The boy protests "no I didn't!"
Teacher explains
"For number ten, Timmy wrote down 'I don't know.' "
"Yeah?"
"And you put down 'neither do I.' "
peligant ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 01:15:46 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
A guy walks into a bar with a pair of jumper cables. The bar tender says "Listen, I'm going to server you, but you better not try to start anything."
Two muffins sitting in an oven, one turns to the other and says, "is it just me or is out hot in here?" The other one shouts, "woah, a taking muffin!!!".
Dave was bragging to his boss one day, โYou know, I know everyone there is to know. Just name someone, anyone, and I know them.โ
Tired of his boasting, his boss called his bluff, โOK, Dave, how about Tom Cruise?โ
โNo dramas boss, Tom and I are old friends, and I can prove it.โ So Dave and his boss fly out to Hollywood and knock on Tom Cruiseโs door and Tom Cruise shouts, โDave! Whatโs happening? Great to see you! Come on in for a beer!
Although impressed, Daveโs boss is still sceptical. After they leave Cruiseโs house, he tells Dave that he thinks him knowing Cruise was just lucky. โNo, no, just name anyone else,โ Dave says.
โPresident Bush,โ his boss quickly retorts.
โYup,โ Dave says, โOld buddies, letโs fly out to Washington.โ And off they go. At the White House, Bush spots Dave on the tour and motions him and his boss over, saying, โDave, what a surprise, I was just on my way to a meeting, but you and your friend come on in and letโs have a cup of coffee first and catch up.โ
Well, the boss is very shaken by now but still not totally convinced.
After they leave the White House grounds he expresses his doubts to Dave, who again implores him to name anyone else.
โThe Pope,โ his boss replies.
โSure!โ says Dave. โIโve known the Pope for years.โ So off they fly to Rome.
Dave and his boss are assembled with the masses at the Vatican when Dave says,โThis will never work. I canโt catch the Popeโs eye among all these people. Tell you what, I know all the guards so let me just go upstairs and Iโll come out on the balcony with the Pope.โ
He disappears into the crowd headed towards the Vatican. Sure enough, half an hour later Dave emerges with the Pope on the balcony, but by the time Dave returns, he finds that his boss has passed out and is surrounded by paramedics.
Making his way to his bossโ side, Dave asks him, โWhat happened?โ
His boss looks up and says, โIt was the final straw โ you and the Pope came out on the balcony and the man next to me said, โWho the hell is that on the balcony with Dave?โ
pcspain ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 05:46:32 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
What did one casket say to the other casket?
"Is that you coffin?"
Also
How do you get a baby astronaut to sleep?
You rocket.
Thanks Laffy Taffy.
MoXxXxXx ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 05:48:38 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Driving past a cemetery my grandma goes, "people are dying to get in there."
Pseudank ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 06:01:35 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
A man goes into a bar and orders a beer. While the bartender is filling his order, he hears someone say to him "geez, you look great! That haircut is very flattering, have you lost weight?" the man looks around and sees no one. Again, he hears the voice "You're the smartest person ever! and handsome too." When the bartender gets back, the man asks him who is saying all of these nice things. The Bartender points to the bowl in front of him "It's the peanuts, they're complimentary"
vvvvvan ยท 27 points ยท Posted at 17:37:44 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
What's invisible and smells like carrots?
Bunny farts.
My mom said this to me when I didn't close the back of our 1984 dodge minivan. Man we had painted the ceiling with blue house paint to keep the insulation from falling. Thank you for the good ol' memories.
Racism consists of ideologies and practices that seek to justify, or cause, the unequal distribution of privileges or rights among groups that are conceptualized as racially or ethnically different.
yekim ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 08:28:23 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
What do you call a camel with no humps? Hump-free!
i googled it- someone ordered a pizza online, selecting "none" for everything (sauce, cheese, pepperoni etc...) except for beef, which was selected for only the left side excuse the tumblr link its the best i could find, don't worry its just the jpg
smelissy ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 16:12:57 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
YESSSSS
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:45:23 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
wat
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 21:54:07 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
What's the difference between an alligator and a crocodile?
One you'll see later the other you'll see in awhile.
[deleted] ยท 8 points ยท Posted at 03:05:03 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him a super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.
In Europe there were a pair of identical twin boys born. Because of the situation the parents put them up for adoption. One boy was adopted by a family in Egypt and was named Amal. The other boy was adopted by a family in Spain and named Juan.
20 years later, Juan was able to make contact with his birth parents and sent them a picture. The mother was pleased and wondered what her other son looked like. The dad said "They're twins! Once you've seen Juan you've seen Amal!"
Once my friends were trading stupid pun jokes back and forth, and one guy wasn't joining in. We kept trying to get something out of him and finally he was like "No. Corns aren't my field."
It is stupid but his totally deadpan delivery made it hilarious.
So a city slicker got lost in the country and needed to find someone to ask for direction back to the highway.
Luckily he sees a farmer standing under a tree near the road so he pulls over and goes up and leans on the fence.
To his amazement he sees that the farmer is holding up a hog letting it eat apples off the tree!
At a loss, the city slicker asked "Yo, buddy. I see your pig likes apples, but don't that take a lot of time?" to which the farmer replied "Whats time to a hog?"
Preemptive Edit: Thanks for the GOLD! (that will surly come)
[deleted] ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 23:58:32 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I don't care how surly you get, I'm not giving you gold.
[deleted] ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 00:03:17 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
The Aristocrats
Laez ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 04:18:27 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)*
A Russian couple was walking down the street in St. Petersburg the other night, when the man felt a drop hit his nose. "I think it's raining," he said to his wife.
"No, that felt more like snow to me," she replied. "No, I'm sure it was just rain, he said." Well, as these things go, they were about to have a major argument about whether it was raining or snowing. Just then they saw a minor communist party official walking toward them. "Let's not fight about it," the man said, "let's ask Comrade Rudolph whether it's officially raining or snowing."
As the official approached, the man said, "Tell us, Comrade Rudolph, is it officially raining or snowing?"
"It's raining, of course," he answered and walked on. But the woman insisted: "I know that felt like snow!" To which the man quietly replied: "Rudolph the Red knows rain, dear!"
God runs up to Moses. He says, "I just made a 24 hour period of alternating light and dark on earth!" Moses says, "awesome, what are you going to do next?" God replies, "call it a day."
What did the fish say when it swam into a wall?
"dam"
GaryNOVA ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 04:00:10 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
A piece of string walks into a bar and orders a soda. The Bar tender yells "we don't serve string here!". The string leaves for a minute, twists himself up, and messes up his hair. After the string returned the bartender asked "Hey. You're not a string are you?". The string replied "No. I'm afraid not. (No. I'm a frayed knot)".
[deleted] ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 04:04:18 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
A horse walks into a bar, and the bartender says, "why the long face?"
A blonde goes into the library and walks up to the circulation desk. She says to the librarian, "I'll have a cheeseburger and fries." The librarian looks around and then says, "Ma'am, this is a library." The blond looks embarrassed and then leans in and whispers softly, "I'll take a cheeseburger and fries."
Two pretzels are walking down the street. One was assaulted!
megman13 ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 04:55:38 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
You may have noticed that often when geese fly in a "V" formation, one of the arms of the "V" is longer than the other- but have you ever wondered why that is?
Two nuns are driving down a lonely, scary road when a vampire lunges out in front of their car. One nun says to the, "Show him your cross!" So the other nun sticks her head out the window and says, "Get outta the road, ya toothy git!"
Once upon a time in Cheerioland, there was a whole wheat Cheerio. Now in Cheerioland, whole wheat cheerios were in the lowest class (because fuck whole wheat). He worked in a factory owned by a big rich Frosted Cheerio. After working there for three years, he finally got the guts to ask for a raise. So he got on the elevator to go up to the big boss's office, but on the elevator was the boss's beautiful Frosted daughter. He tried to smile at her but she wouldn't even look at him because of his social standing. He felt bad, but proceeded to go ahead with seeking the raise. Once he got to the big boss's office, he saw the big bossman choking on a nacho. He took action and saved the man's life. Once he was able to speak, the boss offered him a wish. Ole Whole Wheat cheerio could have anything he wanted, and chose to be a regular cheerio. All he wanted was to be an average guy. So his wish is granted, and as a normal cheerio, he quickly gets hired for a management position at the same factory. After six months of working, along with great productively numbers, the normal cheerio heads up to ask for another raise. On the elevator, he sees the boss's beautiful daughter. And although he's still way beneath her, he strikes up a conversation. Even though she doesn't interested, he coaxes a number out of her. He gets to his boss's office and I'll be damned if he isn't choking on another nacho. He saves the man's life again, and he is granted another wish. This time he chooses to be a frosted cheerio. He calls up beautiful frosted cheerio boss daughter lady, and they meet for drinks. They instantly fall in love and after four happy months they decide to get married. After the wedding, now-frosted cheerio's new bride asks him to go get Champaign. He gets in the line for Champaign, but realizes it's six miles long. So he goes home and asks her what she wants. She sends him back out to the liquor store, but the line for liquor is seven miles long! So he returns home and she sends him back to the punch store. He's going to get punch now, but he gets to the store and realizes there is no punch line.
The bartender brings him the three beers, and the man proceeds to alternately sip one, then the other, then the third, until they're gone.
He then orders three more and the bartender says, "Sir, I know you like them cold, so you can start with one, and I'll bring you a fresh one as soon as you're low."
The man says, "You don't understand. I have two brothers, one in Australia and one in the Ireland. We made a vow to each other that every Saturday night, we'd still drink together. So right now, my brothers have three beers, too, and we're drinking together."
The bartender thinks it's a wonderful tradition, and every week he sets up the guy's three beers. Then one week, the man comes in and orders only two. He drinks them and then orders two more. The bartender says sadly, "Knowing your tradition, I'd just like to just say that I'm sorry you've lost a brother."
The man replies, "Oh, my brothers are fine -- I just quit drinking."
ThePeake ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 05:46:01 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
2 monkeys are in a bath. One cries "ooh ooh aah aah!" The other says "Well if it's that hot, put some cold in!"
Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other man pulls out his cell phone and calls emergency services. He gasps to the operator, "My friend is dead! What can I do?" The operator in a calm, soothing voice replies, "Take it easy. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead." There is a silence, then a shot is heard.
Back on the phone, the hunter says, "OK, now what?"
mafiasky ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 06:12:38 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
What's the difference between a chipmunk and a washing machine.
There was a man in Russia back during the USSR. He wanted a car but because it was communist there was a 7 year wait. He goes in line at the Soviet DMV and he finally gets to the counter. The clerk hands him the forms and he fills them all out. He hands the clerk the forms and the clerk says "OK, your car will be delivered in 7 years. The guy says "will that be morning or night?". The clerk said " what does it matter? Its in 7 years!?". The guy replies "well the cable guy is coming that morning."
Ehsan763 ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 06:29:05 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
What's orange and sounds like a parrot?
A carrot...
vvrathia ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 06:33:04 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
A boy goes to a dance and gets a bit thirsty. He decides to get in the long line for the water fountain, but it was too long for him to wait. He then decides to get some soda instead, but the line is also too long. Finally, he decides to get some punch and,thankfully, there is no punch line.
A moth goes into a podiatristโs office, and the podiatristโs office says, โWhat seems to be the problem, moth?โ
The moth says โWhatโs the problem? Where do I begin, man? I go to work for Gregory Illinivich, and all day long I work. Honestly doc, I donโt even know what Iโm doing anymore. I donโt even know if Gregory Illinivich knows. He only knows that he has power over me, and that seems to bring him happiness. But I donโt know, I wake up in a malaise, and I walk here and thereโฆ at night IโฆI sometimes wake up and I turn to some old lady in my bed thatโs on my arm. A lady that I once loved, doc. I donโt know where to turn to. My youngest, Alexendria, she fell in theโฆin the cold of last year. The cold took her down, as it did many of us. And my other boy, and this is the hardest pill to swallow, doc. My other boy, Gregarro Ivinalititavitchโฆ I no longer love him. As much as it pains me to say, when I look in his eyes, all I see is the same cowardice that Iโฆ that I catch when I take a glimpse of my own face in the mirror. If only I wasnโt such a coward, then perhapsโฆperhaps I could bring myself to reach over to that cocked and loaded gun that lays on the bedside behind me and end this hellish facade once and for allโฆDoc, sometimes I feel like a spider, even though Iโm a moth, just barely hanging on to my web with an everlasting fire underneath me. Iโm not feeling good. And so the doctor says, โMoth, man, youโre troubled. But you should be seeing a psychiatrist. Why on earth did you come here?โ
And the moth says, โโCause the light was on.โ
At a philosophy conference, two solipsists sit across a table from each other, trying to work out which one is a figment of the other's imagination.
A fish-loving traveller is leaving Boston after a conference, and hails a cab. On the way to the airport, he asks, "I didn't get to do everything I planned while I was in town. Where could I have got scrod around here?" The cabbie looks over his shoulder and replies, "Friend, I've been asked that question many times over the years, but you're the first I've heard use it in the pluperfect subjunctive."
A woman goes into labor and has to be taken to the hospital by her brother since her husband was out of the country on a business trip. She loses consciousness while giving birth. When she comes to, the doctor tells her that the birth went without any complications and she is now the mother of a beautiful pair of twins, one boy and one girl. He tells her that she doesn't have to worry about naming them, because her brother did it for her.
Knowing her brother wasn't the most creative person she knew, she's exasperated and asks the doctor what he named the girl. The doctor replies, "Denise". She's relieved, that name wasn't so bad. She asks him, "What about the boy?"
"Denephew."
enad58 ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 09:59:09 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
A Russian scientist and a Czechoslovakian scientist had spent their whole lives studying the majestic grizzly bear. Each year they petitioned their respective governments to allow them to go to Yellowstone to study these wondrous beasts.
Finally, their request was granted and they immediately flew to New York and then on west to Yellowstone. They reported to the local ranger station and were told that it was the grizzly mating season and it was much too dangerous to go out and study the animals.
They pleaded that this was their only chance. Finally the ranger relented. The Russian and the Czech were given cell phones and told to report in each and every day.
For several days they called in, and then nothing was heard from the two scientists. The rangers mounted a search party and found the scientists' camp completely ravaged. No sign of the missing men.
They then followed the trail of a male and a female bear. They found the female and decided they must kill the animal to find out if she had eaten the scientists because they feared an international incident.
They killed the female and cut open the bear's stomach... only to find the remains of the Russian.
One ranger turned to the other and said, "You know what this means, don't you?"
"Of course," the other ranger nodded. "The Czech is in the male."
aizaz09 ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 11:08:57 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
A game warden catches an unlicensed fisherman in the act.
"You're going to pay a big fine for all those fish in your bucket"
But, officer, I didn't catch these -- they are my pet fish and I just bring them here to swim. When they're done they jump back into the bucket.
"Oh really? This I've got to see. If you can prove it, I'll let you go."
The fisherman empties the bucket into the lake and waits patiently. A few minutes go by and nothing happens.
Game warden: So where are the fish?
Fisherman: What fish?
A couple go to a Chinese restaurant and order chop suey. The waiter brings out a pot with a lid but the couple don't get around to eating, because every so often the lid lifts up a tiny bit and a tiny pair of eyes peer out at the couple.
Finally, the stunned man calls the waiter over, points out the weird situation, and says, "No matter what, we're not going to eat that. Are you sure that's chop suey?"
"Oh I'm sorry sir," the waiter replies, "That's my mistake - I've brought you Peking duck."
A panda walks into a restaurant. The waiter walks up and asks what he would like. He orders a sandwich and eats the whole thing. The waiter comes back to check on him and the panda shoots the waiter and proceeds to walk out. As he is walking out the manager yells at him. The manager says, " what's the big deal? You eat your food, shoot my waiter, then walk out without paying." Panda replied "Hey man, I'm a panda.. Look it up." The manager pulls out his dictionary.
Panda: Marsupial of the Asian descent. Eats shoots and leaves.
๐๏ธ Alkomb ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 21:41:02 on July 20, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I get it, ha.
chizzo257 ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 17:45:20 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)*
a few weeks ago, my wife called me and was laughing hysterically at a joke.
It's high school prom and Johnny decides to take his girlfriend. In preparation, he goes to the florist to get the corsage, and must wait in line for hours. After leaving the florist he goes to the tuxedo rental place where there is again a massive line. Finally prom arrives, but students are lined up out the door waiting to get in. Finally, Johnny and his girlfriend get inside and are having a great time. Johnny's girlfriend mentions that she's thirsty, so he goes off to get her a drink. As he approaches the refreshment table he realizes there's no punchline.
A man and his pet giraffe walk into a bar, the man goes to the bartender and orders around for him and his giraffe, which they drink he then orders another, and another, and another. After a few rounds the giraffe goes into a corner and falls asleep. The man continues to drink until it's closing time and the bartender asks him to leave. As he walks out the door the bartender shouts "oi! You can't leave that lyin' there!" The man replies "that's not a lion it's a giraffe"
There's this guy, let's call him Steve. Steve and his talking ostrich go to the same restaurant every day, and each day Steve orders something different, the Ostrich orders the same as Steve, and every day Steve pays in exact change.
After about a month or so, the waitress asks Steve how he always has exact change for lunch. Steve responds;
"A while back I met a genie who gave me two wishes. For my first wish I wished that anytime I wanted to buy something, I'd just have to put my hand in my pocket and I'd pull out exact change."
The waitress then asks;
"That's a good wish. But what's up with the Ostrich?"
To which Steve responds;
"For my second wish I wished for a chick with long legs that always agrees with me."
Q: What's a pirates favorite letter?
(most people will yell Arr!)
A: Aye, you think it be the 'R' but it be the C!
If they already know the joke they will finish it for you, that's when you close one eye tight and hit them with, "Arr! But it's mi 'i' that I miss the most!"
A rich businessman decides to buy a dairy farm and move to the country. So one day he is driving in the countryside to look for a suitable place. He sees farmer tending to a herd of cattle in a field and decides to take a look.
"Hi there", he greets the farmer "are these dairy cows?"
"Which ones?" asks the farmer "the brown ones or the white ones?"
"The brown ones"
"Yes, they are"
"What about the white ones"
"The same"
"Ok... And how much milk do they usually produce?"
"Which ones? The brown ones or the white ones?"
"The brown ones."
"Well, about 3 liters a day"
"And the white ones?"
"The same"
"Do these cows require a lot of maintainence?"
"Which ones? The brown ones or the white ones?"
"The brown ones"
"Not really, they are quite ease to take care of"
"And the white ones?"
"The same"
By this point the business man is a little confused and irritated. "Why do you always ask if it's the brown or the white ones when the answer is always the same?" he asks.
"Well, because the brown ones belong to me, you see?"
"And the white ones?"
"The same"
20mcgug ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 20:45:40 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I don't get it
Jretribe ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 20:25:33 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
You hear about the guy that had his whole left side cut off??
Knock knock?
Who's there?
Interrupting Starfish.
Interrupting Starfish wh...
<palm out grab their face with your fingers spread wide>
<like a starfish>
<one of those five fingered ones>
ads215 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 21:10:15 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Duck walks into a pharmacy and buys 10 tubes of chapstix. Clerk asks, "will that be cash?"
An irascible old farmer named Hu discovered one morning that his best rooster had flown into a tall tree beside his farm pond and wouldnโt come down, so he went to his neighbor, Wil, and asked for help.
The men had never gotten along, but Wil finally agreed, so the two men went to the pond and began climbing the tree, Hu first.
They meant to frighten the rooster out, you see, but the bird only kept flying higher, branch by branch.
Then, just as Hu and the rooster reached almost the very top of the tree, with Wil right behind, there was a loud crack, the branch under Huโs feet broke away, and down he went into the pond, splashing water and mud everywhere.
Wil scrambled down as fast as he could and reached out to Hu from the bank, but Hu just lay there on his back, sinking deeper into the mud until only his nose stuck out of the water.
Another farmer had seen what happened, and he came running and pulled Hu out of the pond.
โWhy didnโt you take Wilโs hand?โ he asked Hu. โYou could have drowned.โ
โWhy should I take his hand now?โ Hu grumped. โI passed him just a moment ago in broad daylight, and he never spoke a word to me.โ
boblauer ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 23:30:53 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I recently received a bar of chocolate, and it was in the shape of a family huddling around a half-eaten loaf of bread.
The father in the scene had just recently been laid off from the mill after he lost one of his arms in a car accident driving home from work.
The mother in the scene never went to college because her parents told her it was a waste of money and she wasn't smart enough to graduate anyway, so even if she could get a job in this economy, it would have been for minimum wage.
The little boy, the oldest of the two children, had finally made the school hockey team and was finally on his way to maybe making his first friend, but was told earlier in the day that he would have to buy his own equipment, and of course the family couldn't afford it.
The daughter, born with a rare, incurable disease, was sitting in a rickety old wheel chair that looked like it was made in the 1950s.
And to make matters worse, if you looked closely you could see a slight bulge in the mother's shirt - she was pregnant with a third child. And there they were, the four of them, huddling around this half-eaten loaf of bread, the last piece of food in the house, all four wondering where their next meal was going to come from.
Man, that was some dark chocolate.
[deleted] ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 23:35:14 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Person 1: What are you eating under there?
Person 2: Under where?
Person 1: EWww gross! Your eating underwear!
Yuvar ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 23:35:21 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
A duck waddles into a bar and hops on a stool. The bartender, irritated, says, "What'll you have?"
The duck says, "Got any pickles?"
The bartender spits and says "We don't have pickles here, We serve drinks. Now get out!"
The duck hops off the stool and waddles out.
The next day, the same duck waddles into the same bar, hops on a stool, looks the bartender in the eye and asks, "Got any pickles?"
The bartender, irritated, says, "I told you yesterday we don't serve pickles here, we serve drinks, now GET OUT!"
The duck hops off the stool and waddles out.
The next days the same duck waddles into the same bar and hops on a stool, looks at the bartender, and asks: "Got any pickles?"
The bartender, infuriated, POUNDS his fist on the bar and yells at the duck. "I told you two times we don't serve pickles here, we serve drinks! If you ask me ONE MORE TIME, I'm going to nail your beak to the bar! NOW GET OUT!"
With that the duck shrugged, hopped off the stool, and waddled out.
The next day, the same duck waddled into the same bar, hopped on a stool, looked the bartender in the eye and asked: "Got any nails?"
The bartender, puzzled, said "No."
The duck then looked him square in the eye and said, "Got any pickles?"
Mushroom walks into a bar.
The bartender says, "hey, busy, we don't serve your kind here."
Mushroom says, "aw, c'mon. I'm a Fun guy!"
Also: I always say, "Liquor? I hardly know her!" And I'm the only one who laughs.
Kiamodo ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 23:58:52 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
What do you call four Matadors in quicksand?
Quatro Cinco
Karino ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 00:14:54 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
How many tickles does it take to make an octopus laugh?
Once upon time in a purple universe was a purple planet and on this purple planet was a purple land with purple houses where purple villagers lived and there was a purple hilltop, on this purple hilltop was a purple kingdom, in this purple kingdom, past the purple gates, up the purple path through the grand purple doors guarded by purple knights, sat a purple king in a purple throne room on a purple throne with his purple queen also sitting on a purple thrown.
One day the purple king threw a meeting for the people of purple in his purple meeting room in his purple palace. and he said to the purple people of purpleย
"Purple people of purple I propose that I will give the greatest reward ever in the history of this purple world to the purple person that makes me the nicest tastiest purple beer in the entire purple world I have ever tasted in my purple life"
So one purple villager takes it upon himself to make the nicest tastiest purple beer in the whole entire purple world, so leaves the purple meeting room through the purple doors past the purple gates down the purple cobbled path to his purple cottage down his purple stairs leading to his purple cellar where his purple beer making machine lives, and makes the nicest tastiest purple beer in the whole entire purple world and so leaves his purple house runs up the purple street to the purple kings purple palace through the purple gates, past the purple doors to the purple throne room and presents the nicest tastiest purple beer in the whole entire purple world and the purple king takes a sip of the purple beer from the purple pint glass and goes "blurghhh!! Thats the most disgusting purple beer in the whole entire purple world I've ever tasted on my whole purple life. Okay purple person I will give you one more chance to make the nicest tastiest purple beer in the whole entire purple world ive ever tasted in my whole purple life."
So once again the purple person of this purple land left the purple palace down the purple street to his purple house down his purple stairs to his purple cellar where his purple beer machine lived and one again made the nicest tastiest purple beer ever in the entire purple world. and so he leaves his purple house runs up the purple street though the purple gates pas the purple guards that lead him to the purple king on his purple thrown in his purple thrown room in his purple palace. Th epurple person once again present the purple beer and the purple king sips the purple beer from the purple pint glass and goes...
"blurrrghh. Thats the most disgusting purple beer in the enitre purple world if ever tasted in my whole purple life, Thats it you purple person have direspected this purple kingdom and everything purple this purple land represtents! Purple guards take this purple person the purple dungeons!"
So the purple guards lead the purple person across the purple throne room, across the purple hall to a purple door that lead to purple stairs where purple degeons were and the purple guard took out a purple key put it in the purple lock, open the purple door, turned to the purple prisoner and told him...
...'INDEGO'
70m4h4wk ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:44:02 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
[deleted] ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 02:37:26 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Duck walks into a bar and asks the bartender, "Got any grapes?"
Bartender says "No, this is a bar. Get out."
Duck leaves but comes back an hour later. He asks the bartender, "Got any grapes?"
Bartender says "No, this is a bar. Get out and if you come back and ask me again, I'll nail your feet to the bar top."
Duck leaves but comes back an hour later. He asks the bartender, "Got any nails?"
Bartender says "no."
Duck says "OK, got any grapes?"
Juneyeah ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 02:38:30 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
What do you call camping models? -Pretty in-tents.
Highway patrol officer pulls over a flatbed truck hauling 100 live penguins. He asks the driver, "what's with all the penguins?"
Driver responds, "sorry officer, I've been driving around for hours and have no idea what to do with them."
"Take them to the zoo."
"Great idea! Why didn't I think of that? Thanks officer, bye!"
He drives off. Next day, the same officer sees the same truck again with 100 penguins. This time, all the penguins are wearing sunglasses. He pulls over the truck again.
"I thought I told you to take all these penguins to the zoo?!"
"I did that yesterday, officer. Today I'm taking them to the beach."
MANYMI ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 02:42:51 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
What do you call cheese that isn't yours? Nacho cheese.
jynxi ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 03:02:28 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
What do you call a cow with no legs?..... Ground beef! Thank you, courtesy of my 8 year old son.
MrMan381 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 03:05:43 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
A photon walks into a hotel and the receptionist asks if he needs help carrying his luggage to his room. The photon replies, no thanks I'm traveling light.
winch25 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 03:16:04 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Two sausages are sat in a pan together. The first sausage says to the second 'wow, its hot in here'. The second one says 'wow, I've never seen a talking sausage before!'.
Two balloons are floating in the desert. One says to the other; "hey, watch out for that cactussssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssss
wson ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 03:56:50 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Did you hear of the guy who had his entire left side cut off?
He's alright now
A bra and a set of jumper leads walk into the bar and the bartender say "I can't serve you" the bra asks "why not?". The bartender replies " you're off your tits and your mate looks like he's about to start something"
Why did the jelly roll? Because he saw the apple turnover.
noware6 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 04:16:26 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
The past, present and future walk into a bar... it was tense.
jrmanny5 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 04:16:42 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Why do seagulls fly over the sea?
Bc if they flew over the bay, they would be called bagels.
MetroA ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 04:19:10 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Two cannibals are eating dinner, and one turns to the other and says "man I HATE my mother in law!" The other turns to him and says "well here, try the potatoes instead."
tr4x0r ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 04:24:03 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
My favorite pg rated joke:
After a race, 3 racehorses are hanging out when one racehorse says, "out of the 55 races I've been in, I've won 50 of them." The 2nd racehorse kicks at the ground and says, "Oh yeah, out of the 78 races I've been in, I've won 75 of them." The 3rd racehorse neighs and says, "Really? Out of the 88 races I've been in, I've won 87 of them." The greyhound race dog that was laying down nearby sits up, stretches and says, "I've got you all beat. Out of the 106 races I've been in, I've won all of them." The 3 racehorses look at each other in astonishment and say in unison, "HOLY SHIT, A TALKING DOG!"
Two guys go out hunting, and one of them accidentally shoots his buddy. Since even the most remote places have cell phone service these days, he calls 911. The operator answers "911, What's the nature of your emergency?" The guy responds, " I accidentally just shot my buddy, and I think he's dead." 911 operator tells him, "OK, first, make sure he is actually dead" Hunter says "OK". Blam! "Now what?"
"A joke thread isn't nearly as fun when people try to explain the jokes to others in a manner that suggests they're too stupid to get it, just because they express their own opinions on a classic thought experiment. Let's maybe not."
"Shhhhh. We're atheists. Trying to explain the joke to people is basically what we do."
CCRN61 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 05:13:01 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)*
There were three presidents flying in a plane over a third world nation. The first threw down some money, hoping it gets to someone in need. The second president does the same. The third president threw a bomb out of the plane, to the disapproval of the other two presidents.
After the plane lands, the three presidents are walking through the city and they come across a boy crying. They asked him why he was crying and he said, "a coin fell on my father's head and killed him!" They then came upon a girl crying and asked why she was crying. She said, "a coin fell on my mother's head and killed her!"
Then they came upon a little boy laughing so hard he was red in the face with tears. They asked what was so funny and he said, "my grandfather farted and the house next door blew up!"
So, there was this frog. This frog wanted to apply for a loan. He went to a bank one day to see what could be done. Once inside, he went to a somewhat kooky teller named patty and asked if he could apply for a loan. Patty said that he needed some type of collateral. He handed the her a cheaply made souvenir from his recent vacation. Patty told him "I dont know if this can work. Let me go talk to my boss." she got to her bosses office and told him the story. He simply responded with "its a knick-knack , patty whack. Give the frog a loan!"
The Lone Ranger and Tonto ride up to a saloon after a long, hot day of fighting outlaws. They tie up their horses outside and go into the saloon to get something cool to drink. After about five minutes, a cowboy walks into the saloon and asks in a loud voice, "Who owns the big white stallion tied up outside?" The Lone Ranger replies, "That's my horse, Silver. Why do you ask?" The cowboy tells him, "You'd better go check on him- it's hot out there and he isn't looking so good." The Lone Ranger and Tonto rush outside and discover that Silver is indeed suffering from the heat. They bring him some water and he starts looking better. The Lone Ranger tells Tonto, "I want to go back in and finish my drink, but there's no shade out here and no wind. Why don't you jog in circles around Silver to stir up a breeze." Tonto agrees, and the Lone Ranger heads back into the saloon to finish his drink. A few minutes later, another cowboy enters the bar and again asks for the owner of the big white stallion. The Lone Ranger stands up and says, "That's my horse. What's wrong with him now?" The cowboy replies, "Nothing- I just wanted to let you know you left your injun running."
ZBeebs ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 05:59:58 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
A police officer is on traffic duty, when he sees a man drive by, and in the back of his car are a bunch of penguins. The officer pulls the man over and says, "you can't be driving around with a car full of penguins. I'll let you go this time, but I want you to take these penguins straight to the zoo."
A week later, the officer is out on duty and sees the same man drive by, and his car is still full of penguins. He pulls the man over and says, "I thought I told you to take these penguins to the zoo."
The man replies, "I did, and we had so much fun, today we're going to the circus!"
What does the nosy pepper do?
Get's jal-ap-en-o business...
[deleted] ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 06:02:27 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)*
An unattractive man asks a woman if she loves him. She says "No, I'm sorry, perhaps I would if you were ten times more attractive."
The man goes away and thinks about how to make himself more attractive. For advice, he approaches a friend of his who is known to be a success with the ladies. For six months they brainstorm strategies, the man takes up weightlifting and running and they go around all the best outfitters selecting just the perfect items to enhance his appearance, until his friend pronounces him "exactly ten times more attractive".
The man goes back to the woman all decked out in his new body and attire. The woman exclaims over the transformation. So he says "Do you love me?" and she says "No, but that's a real nice ski mask."
Snhoe ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 06:23:21 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Teacher: Who can use the word contagious in a sentence?
Student: I can! My dad said he saw our neighbor painting his house with a 3-inch brush, said its gonna take the cunt ages.
(Probably not G rated but ye)
Rukazor ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 06:25:48 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
So a man gets a tape worm and goes to the doctor. Doc says, "bring me a hard boiled egg and a lemon cookie." So the man comes back the next day with the egg and cookie and the doctor sticks the egg up the guys butt, followed by the cookie. Dock says "ok, tomorrow bring me another egg and a lemon cookie." So the guy comes back with the egg and cookie, and again they go up his butt. Then doc says, "Ok, now bring me an egg and a hammer." So the next day the man returns with the egg and the hammer. The doctor sticks the egg up the guys butt and then grabs the hammer and waits. Two minutes later the tape worm pops his head out and says, "Where's my lemon cookie?" and the doctor smacks it on the head, killing it.
Szzntnss ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 06:41:05 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
So God comes up to Adam in Eden and tells him, "You seem lonely. I could make you a companion if you'd like. She'd cook for you, clean for you, be completely submissive and take care all of your needs. All you'd need do is ask her."
Adam thinks about it for a second and asks God, "And just how much is this companion going to cost me exactly?" to which God replies, "Just an arm and a leg."
Adam thinks for a bit more on it and then asks, "What can I get for a rib?"
gamanar ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 06:47:28 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Why does a chicken coop have two doors?
Cause if it had four, it would be a chicken sedan!
There was a man with three daughters, and one day they were all talking about how they got their names. The first daughter, Lily, asks her dad how she was named.
The dad replies, "Well, Lily, when you were born, your mother and I watched a lily petal fall onto your face, so we named you Lily."
The second daughter speaks up, and asks how she got her name. "Well, Rose, your mother and I watched a rose petal fall onto your face, and that's how we named you."
The third daughter was silent. The father spoke up, knowing that she was about to ask, and started explaining. "Well, Brick, your mother and I watche..."
He was cut off by his third daughter shouting "DUUURRRRGGGGHHHHHRRRRGGGRRGG!"
(Apologies for formatting, I'm posting from mobile. May not be the most G rated joke, but the perfect joke when spoken.)
There are two sausage in a frying pan, and one looks over at the other and says "uh oh man its getting hot in here" and the other one looks over and says "Holy crap a talking sausage!"
A long time ago, there was a monestary in the countryside. The friars and monks who lived there had done so for many generations. It was a beautiful area. However, there was one place beautiful than the rest. For there was this beautiful flower garden that they had tended for generations as well. Now most of the monestary was off-limits to outsiders, but the garden was not. People would travel from far and wide to see it. Eventually, people who visited that area decided to create a settlement there to benefit from the tourism. One day, many years after the town was established, there was a boy who decided to run and play in the garden. Most of the garden was safe, but there was always one section fenced off from the public. The boy decided to hope the fence and play. Beyond the fence, there were many exotic plants, but the most exotic was this man-eating plant which the boy had found. The plant gobbled him up and the townspeople became furious at the members of the monestary. They formed a mob and then went to the monestary, demanding that the monks would leave. The monks refused and the townspeople, not knowing what to do, left the monestary. The mob tried to figure out a way to get the monks to leave. One of the members named Hugh spoke up saying, "I can make them leave." Now Hugh was a big guy. I mean huge. He was known throughout the town as the strongest man. So Hugh went up to the monestary and told the monks that they would have to leave or there would be consequences. The monks, afraid of this conflict, packed up their things and left. The town never had another incident after that day.
Now the moral of this story is that Hugh, and only Hugh, can prevent florist friars
A giraffe walks into a bar and sits lies down in front of the counter. A while later a man walks into the bar. He looks to the bartender and says "Hey bartender, what's that lyin there?" The bartender says "That's not a lion, it's a giraffe."
Tinfed47 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 10:18:08 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Why did the banana go to the doctor? He wasn't peeling well!
How do you catch a normal rabbit?hide behind a rock and make a noise like a carrot.How do you catch a unique rabbit?unique up on himHow do you catch a tame rabbit?tame way
Kazick ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 13:12:43 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
What is Bruce Lee's favorite drink?
WATAAAA
wikipuff ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 13:30:28 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Three women escape from prison, a brunette, a redhead and a blonde. They hide in a barn under some burlap sacks when the search party came looking for them. "Check the barn!" called the sheriff to one deputy. He opened the door and saw some movement. Picking up a stick he tapped the first bag right when his superior asked if he found anything. The brunette thought fast when she felt the stick thumping against her leg and went "oink, oink!" "Just a pig!" the deputy called out. He then tapped the second bag and the redhead went "Meow! Rowr, Hssss! Meow!" "And a cat!" he called over his shoulder. The deputy hit the third bag and it moved but no sound came out. He hit it a little harder this time and the sack with the blonde hidden in it yelled "Ouch! Potatoes!!"
qorter ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 15:37:18 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
A blond sees a man running on the train tracks. She approaches him to get a better look but he pays her no mind. While he runs he's chanting, "24, 24, 24, 24..." The blond thinks, "man he's stupid, he's going to get hit," and follows him a bit longer. Eventually she decides maybe it's not so dangerous so jumps up on the tracks and follows suit with chanting.
Well, a train comes. The man jumps to the side. The blond does not and is hit and killed. Once the train passes the man gets back on the tracks and continues his mantra with, "25, 25, 25..."
Allikuja ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:05:13 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I don't think this is G rated. I do like the joke though
A policeman was walking around the block, surveying the area when suddenly he found an old man walking with, a young boy? No! That was a penguin! Confused, he runs up to the old man wanting to know more about the situation. "Excuse me sir", the police officer said, "are you walking a pet penguin?" "Why yes", the old man replied; "is there a problem officer?" The officer, a little mad at the old man replies, "you must take him to the zoo immediately! I can't believe you haven't already!" The old man not realizing how important it was responded, "sorry officer, I didn't realize how important it was; I will now." The officer thanked the old man, walked away and didn't think about it again. The next week the officer was surveying a different area and saw that there was a big line at the movie theatre. As he surveyed the line, he saw the same old man! And with further inspection, he was walking the penguin! Furiously, the police officer runs up to the old man and says, "I thought I told you to take your penguin to the zoo!" The old man replies, "I did, he loved it! Now we're going to see the movies."
A mushroom walks into a bar. The bartender sees him and says
- You! Out! I don't serve your kind around here.
- come on! I'm a fun guy
- I. DO. NOT. SERVE. YOUR. KIND.
- No! You don't get it! It's a pun! Fun guy as in I'm a fun guy so you should serve me and also I am a mushroom! Fungi! Get it?
- Oh I got it the first time, it's very clever. Now get the fuck out of my bar!
It's so bad but still a bit genious. It's a horrible pun and a shitty anti joke at the same time!
๐๏ธ Alkomb ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:53:13 on February 15, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
A pan of cupcakes are sitting in the oven. One cupcake turns to the other and says "wow, it's really hot in here."
The other cupcake looks at him and screams" oh my God! A talking cupcake!"
PEEDUR ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 17:48:05 on February 16, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
what's brown and sticky?
A Stick
f4nt0d ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 15:14:32 on February 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
A magician is going down the street, then he turns into a driveway
DubPwNz ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 15:36:21 on February 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
ITT: Mostly unfunny jokes.
f4nt0d ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 16:32:10 on February 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
What's E.T short for?
So he can fit in the spaceship.
Datasinc ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 18:44:41 on February 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
What's brown & sticky?
A stick.
๐๏ธ Alkomb ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 14:46:18 on February 18, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I don't get it, sorry.
Datasinc ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:08:52 on February 18, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Sticky as in stick-like
like saying dork vs dorky
๐๏ธ Alkomb ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 19:29:50 on February 18, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
A panda walks into a bar and orders some food, after he's done eating he shoots the bartender and starts leaving.
"Hey, you can't do that!" said someone else in the bar
"Yes I can, I'm a panda bear it's what I do, look it up." says the panda bear.
Later he looks up "panda bear" and sure enough it says
"Panda Bear; Eats shoots and leaves."
๐๏ธ Alkomb ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 04:55:32 on July 5, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I think i saw this one from Reddit a while ago. Basically you tell someone you have a knock knock joke, but in reverse. Conversation goes like this:
You: "Ok I got a knock knock joke but you have to go first"
Guy: "Ok, knock knock."
You: "Whos there?" Guy doesn't know what to say. Stands there, awkward and confused
Geisto ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 01:52:40 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
There are 2 snakes. One in the shape of a "1", and one in the shape of a "3" The author looks at this and concludes that there are 13 snakes, as that is the number that they form.
[deleted] ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 00:08:45 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
this made me laugh really hard but i have no idea why, its not even a joke lmao
Less a joke and more of a WTF that happened to me once and i'm still laughing to this day 15 years later.
Bunch of us sitting around a table. The guy next to me gets up and undoes his belt, adjusts himself. I comment. "What? Are you going try and hit me with your belt?"
Friend across the table with no hesitation. "No he's taking off his belt so he can beat you with his pants."
I proceed to literally cry laughing for 3 hours straight. Like i was in class after lunch when this happened and the teacher had to send me away i was still laughing.
I'm on the verge of cracking up right now as i type this.
[deleted] ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 22:23:50 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
So Werner Heisenberg is driving on the highway one day, just minding his own business when a cop pulls up behind him and turns on his lights. Heisenberg pulls over and the policeman walks up to his window and asks
"Sir, do you know how fast you were going?"
To which Heisenberg replies
"No. But I can tell you exactly where I was"
richstop ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 23:09:05 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
What did the zero say to the eight?
"Nice belt"
MrSurly ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 23:12:01 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
(speakers of the Queen's English can ignore)
Why does a chicken coop have two doors?
Because if it had four doors, it would be a chicken sedan.
JooJoona ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 00:58:13 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
How do you make a plumber cry?
Kill his children.
nixzero ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 01:16:24 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Q) What's the difference between a dirty bus stop and a lobster with a boob job?
A) One's a crusty bus station, the other is a busty crustacean.
Q) How do you trap a bear? (this one is great for kids who can't cuss yet)
A) Dig a big pit, light a fire in it, and wait for it to go out. When a bear comes to check out the smoke, run up and kick him in the ash hole."
A friend of mine was recently investigated by the police. You're probably wondering why.
He has a terrible addiction. When it gets dark he looks for construction cranes in the sky line. Walks towards the closest one. Breaks in to the construction site and proceeds to move things around or take stuff that looks interesting. I guess he's a bit of a kleptomaniac with a desire for certain things.
Anyway he'd been getting away with this for years and all the developers and construction site workers could not work out what the hell was going on.
But that was only until a few weeks ago. Finally the police followed a cctv lead and took him in.
Some friends and I used to go to his to play computer games and had no idea about any of this. But really we should have as all the signs were there.
jamiegc1 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 14:33:48 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I heard one from a minister some time ago.
A Buddhist monk takes a trip to New York City and near Times Square, he finds a hot dog cart.
He tells the vendor, "Make me one with everything." and hands him a $20 bill.
Vendor prepares the hot dog with a rich slathering of various toppings, hands it to him. The monk holds out his hand as though waiting for money back, and the hot dog vendor shakes his head and says "Change comes from within.".
So a magician gets a job on a cruise ship. The gig works out and he ends up staying a few years. Since the audience was always new he would pretty much do the same routine every night, which would have worked great except for one thing... The captain's prized parrot.
The parrot was super smart and after a few years would sit in the back of the audience and yell out the secrets behind the tricks, like, "there's a trap door!" "There's a second woman in the box!"
The magician hated the bird, but he felt powerless because of how much the captain loved it. The captain kept paying him and rehiring him for the next cruise, though, so he kept the job.
One day the ship hit an iceberg and sunk. The only survivors were the magician and the parrot. They floated on top of the ocean in silence for two days before the parrot says, "Okay, I give up, what did you do with the ship?"
I know that's supposed to be a nonsensical anti-joke or whatever but I always looked at it as the one elephant asking for the soap and the other responding quietly "no soap, radio." And then dropping a radio in the tub to kill them both. Makes me laugh even more this way.
It is a completely nonsensical joke that is usually meant to be told in a group no smaller than 3. Two of the people are in on it and the third isn't. When the first person tells the punchline the second person bursts out laughing, leaving the third confused. Then the first two either pretend to be shocked the third doesn't get it or make fun of them for not understanding. When kept light hearted it can be really funny to see people's reactions. Here is more info.
Last night all of the toilet seats were stolen from the police station, and the thief is still at large.
The police are trying to figure it out but they have nothing to go on.
Jlawlz ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 21:49:49 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Do you know why when geese fly in a v one end is always longer than the other? Do you know why that is???
It's actually because there are MORE geese on one side than the other.
What's a Pirate's favorite letter?
(most people will say "R" like "Argh!")
(in a pirate accent) Yeh'd think it'd be "R" but his ferst love be the "C"! (sea)
I want to buy the grocery divider bar, but the cashier keeps putting it behind the counter.
LiamGP ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 22:19:43 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Q: What's brown and rhymes with snoop?
A: Dr Dre
Roadguy ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 22:34:30 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Why don't cannibals eat clowns? They taste funny.
dazedwit ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 22:35:14 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
2 muffins are sitting in an oven.
One muffin turns to the other and says, "Boy it sure is hot in here."
The other muffin responds, "Arrgh, a talking muffin!"
Antibane ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 22:35:55 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
A priest, a rabbi, and a humpback whale go into a bar.
The priest walks up to the bartender and says 'I believe that Jesus is the Son of God, my Lord and Savior, and I'll have a glass of sacramental wine'.
The rabbi walks up and says 'I believe in God and the Prophets, but I do not believe that the Messiah has yet walked the face of the earth, so I'll have a Manischewitz'.'
A Mexican magician is performing a trick at a birthday party. He tells the children to watch very closely because on the count of 3 he was going to make himself disappear.
MikeMoo3 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 22:43:53 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Knock knock. Who's there? Cash. Cash who? I didn't know you were some kinda nut!
Grug16 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 22:45:56 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Three vampires are standing on a hill at night, arguing about which is the most powerful.
"Watch this," says the first vampire, and he flies off into the night at 30 miles per hour. He comes back ten minutes later with his face covered in blood.
"You see that farmhouse over there?" he says.
"Yeah?" say the other two.
"I just drank the blood of everyone in that house!"
"That's nothing. Watch this!" says the second vampire. He flies off into the night at 60 miles per hour. He comes back five minutes later with his face covered in blood.
"You see that village over there?" he says.
"Yeah?" say the other two.
"I just drank the blood of everyone in that village!"
The third vampire steps forward. "I'll prove you both wrong. Watch this!" he says. He flies off into the night at 100 miles per hour. He comes back one minute later with his face covered in blood.
shiggyzz ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 22:52:18 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Whats brown and sticky? A stick
ldw53 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 22:52:20 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
"What do you call a boomerang that doesn't come back?"
A stick.
bkarfunk ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 22:53:23 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
As an emergency physician I get many interesting patients. There was a 5 year old kid who had managed to swallow a half dozen little plastic toy horses.
His condition was noted to be stable.
He came back in a few days after we removed the horses. This time he'd gotten into his mom's purse and eaten a quarter, three dimes, and a nickel.
We've been watching him closely, but so far there's been no change.
Newton, Pascal, Einstein, and Maxwell are playing hide-and-seek. Einstein starts counting, and Pascal and Maxwell run and hide. Newton, however, draws a square on the ground and stands in it. When Einstein opens his eyes, he says "Ha! Found you Newton!" Newton replies, "No, you found Pascal!"
Before saying something nasty about them you should always walk a mile in your enemy's shoes. That way you will be a mile away and you will have their shoes.
Linkums ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 23:21:54 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Getting someone to ask me what "updog" is.
jrhoffa ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 23:21:59 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
A woman puts her twins up for adoption. One is adopted in Egypt and is names Amal while the other is adopted in Spain and is named Juan. 19 years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon seeing it the mother tells her husband "I wish I had a picture of my other boy" to which the husband responds, "you've seen Juan, you've seen Amal".
A man walks into a juice bar. The juicetender asks the man what he does for a living. "I'm a mathematician," says the man. "Oh yeah? Prove it."
LOBOSKI ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:03:05 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Orange you glad I said banana!
Oops639 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:04:58 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)*
A woman goes into labor and begins giving birth on a hospital elevator with the help of a nurse.
The door closes and then the woman starts crying, "I'm so embarrassed!"
The nurse pats her hand and says, "There, there dear. Don't feel bad. Last year we had a woman give birth on the front lawn."
The woman groans, "I know! That was me!"
docko ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:06:48 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Did you hear about the Mexican train killer? They say he had loco motives!
Did you hear the joke about the sidewalk? No? I'm surprised, it's all around town. Did you hear the joke about the umbrella? No? That's okay, it's over your head.
More PG rated: three guys are trapped on the edge of a cliff, when one of them finds a lamp. They rub It, and out pops a genie. He says to them; "go ahead and jump off the cliff, and shout what you want to land on. It'll be there when you land." So the first guy jumps, and shouts "pillows!" The second guy jumps, and shouts "marshmallows!" The third guy starts running, but just before he jumps off, he trips on a rock, and shouts "crap!"
Guy wants to get his girl something unique. Goes to a pet store, and looks at all the dogs, cats, turtles, fish, et cetra, and they just don't seem special, so he talks to the owner, and explains what he needs. The owner says, "I have just the thing for you! Follow me." They go into the back, and look at a parate. Guy says he doesn't see whats so special. The owner then pulls out his lighter, and holds it under one wing, and the parate starts singing "Oh Silent Night". Holds it under the other wing, and the parate sings "Rudolf, the red nosed reindeer". Guy buys the parate, and on christmas morning, presents it to his lady. She is confused, so he pulls out a lighter, and holds it under one wing, gets "Silent Night", under the other, gets "Rudolf". Then they get this wild idea, and hold the lighter between the parate's legs.
The Parate starts singing "Chestnuts roasting over and open fire!"
Sorry about spelling, phone doesn't know how to spell parate apparently. And neither do I!
Beauty and the Beast. Clock guy: If it's not Baroque, don't fix it!
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:02:28 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Sherlock Holmes and Watson are out in the woods one night, camping. Sherlock looks up into the sky and says:
"Dear Watson... Looking up above us into the night, what can you tell us about our situation?"
Watson looks up for a moment, straining to think. Then, with a glimmer in his eye, he says:
"Well Sherlock, I figure that each of those stars is its own Sun, each with planets just like our own solar system. And there are billions of billions of stars. So even if the chances of intelligent life on an alien world are one in a billion, it still means that, statistically speaking, mankind cannot possibly be alone in the universe."
Sherlock turns to Watson and says:
"No, idiot. It means our tent has been stolen."
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:03:40 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
How come dinosaurs don't talk?
Because they're all dead.
Manice08 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:38:15 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
brian regan lol
Keiyashi ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:06:36 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Two guys walk into a bar, one turns to the other and says, "Ow!"
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:12:17 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
The Pope is on tour in the US, being driven in a limo through the middle of nowhere. And since he's been Pope for a while now, it's been a long time since he's driven. He really thinks to himself how badly he wants to drive again.
So he leans forward and tells the limo driver to get in the back, Pope Francis is taking the wheel.
And he's missed it so much, he's speeding and swerving and doing donuts, 80, 90, 120 miles an hour, he's going wild, having the time of his life.
Lo and behold, a local deputy pulls him over.
The deputy moseys out of his car and over to the Pope's limo. The Pope rolls his window down.
The deputy calmly turns away and back to his squad car. He gets on the radio:
"Chief, I just pulled over a reckless driver, but I don't know if I should give him a ticket. He's kind of a big deal."
His radio crackles as a gruff voice blares through:
"Aw shit, did you pull over the governor again?"
"No sir, I think this is bigger than the Governor."
"Bigger than the Governor? Oh hell, you didn't pull over the President, did you?!"
"No sir, I believe this may actually be a bigger deal than the President."
"What in the Hell are you talking about, who's bigger than the President?"
The deputy looks back to the limousine, then says into the radio:
"I don't know, sir, but the Pope's his driver so he's GOTTA be important!"
So a priest is driving home and as he passes an Intersection a cop pulls him over, the cop asks the priest "sir have you been drinking tonight" to which the Priest responds "why no officer only water" the officers asks "then why do I smell Wine on your breath" to which the priest says, "Oh Lord hes done it again"
Ohm is driving Heisenberg and Einstein to a conference, they're pulled over for speeding. The officer asks "do you know how fast you were going?" and Einstein says "that would be relative to your perspective."
The officer tells them how fast they were going, and Heisenberg says "Great! Now we're lost!"
1) Why didn't the shrimp share? He's a little shel-fish :)
2) What did the jar of mayo say when someone opened the fridge door? Shut the door I'm dressing!
Edit: I can't spell. :)
masher70 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:19:34 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
So a dog walks in to an old west saloon...
He walks up to the bar and says, "Bartender, I'll have a sasparilla!"
The bartender gives him a funny look, but gets him his drink.
Just as the dog goes to sip his drink, POW! A guy at the end of the bar shoots the glass out of his hand. "I ain't drinking in no stinking bar with no stinking dog!"
The dog grabs his injured hand and scurries out of the bar.
The next day, everyone is sitting in the saloon again when SLAM! The doors to the saloon fly open, and there silhouetted by the outdoor sun, is the dog...
He strides in to the bar, wearing a black hat, black boots, he's got a black gun belt with two black revolvers, and a black bandage on his hurt hand...
And he says, "I'm looking for the man who shot my paw!"
axionj ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:20:31 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
A horse walks in to a bar. Bartender asks, "Why the long face?"
There was a pirate captain that always wore a red shirt during battle. He wore the shirt so his crew would not know if he had been injured and would not lose morale.
One day, his first mate cones running to him. "Captain, there is a british naval ship on the horizon!".
The captain grunted, "Aye, Bring me my red shirt."
They won the battle with ease.
The next day, the first mate cries "Captain! There are five brisih naval ships on the horizon!".
The captain took a deep breath and said, "Bring me my red shirt.".
After a long battle with many casualties, the british ships finally retreated.
The next day, during the funerals for the Captain's fallen men, he looked out into the horizon. He turned to his first mate and mumbled "Tell me what ye see, boy.".
"Captain," the first mate replied, "I see the entire British Navy.".
"Aye," the captain sighs, "Boy. I need you to do me a favor. I need you to find me brown pants."
So I was in the Army. All services joke about each other. Here's my favorite.
A sailor walks into the local VFW after getting out of the Navy. The bar is almost empty except for three rather large gentlemen at the bar. He sits down nearby at the bar at begins to drink. Wanting to strike up conversation he leans over and says, "Hey, want to hear a Marine joke?"
The man next to him raises an eyebrow and looks at the sailor. "Look, buddy, I'm six foot tall, two hundred pounds and I'm a Marine. The guy next to me is 6'2" 225 and also a Marine. The other guy next to him is 6'5" 270 pounds. He's a Marine, too. Still want to tell your little joke?"
The sailor sighs, and turns back to his beer. Defeated, he says, "No. I don't want to have to explain it three times."
My trig teacher would use the word "kicklike" in word problems. Like, if you get two kicklikes a day for three days, how many do you have? (But. More trig-ish).
And she would just wait till someone asked, "What's a kicklike?"
She'd say, "Oh, come to the front of the classroom and I'll show you!"
She never kicked anyone hard though.
Maoman1 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:27:56 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
It's Ms. Patricia Wack's first day at her new job as a bank teller, and she's feeling totally overwhelmed. Suddenly, a frog hops into the bank and up to her teller.
"Good afternoon, my name is Mick Jagger, Jr. I'm here to take out a loan."
Flustered, Patricia asks, "how much will you be taking out?"
"$50,000."
"Mr. Jagger, for a large loan I'm going to need some form of collateral."
At this, the frog reaches into his pocket and produces a small porcelain elephant. "This should cover it," he says.
Patricia takes the elephant and, baffled, excuses herself to go speak with her manager in the back. She hurriedly explains the situation. "...and I don't even know what this elephant thing is!!"
The manager sighs sympathetically and says,
"It's a knick-knack, Patty Whack. Give the frog a loan. His old man's a Rolling Stone."
Works best when driving:
1: (Look out the window) "Hey did you see that flock of cows?"
2: Wut?
1: "I say did you see that flock of cows?"
2: 'HEARD'
1: "What?!"
2: 'HEARD of cows'
1: "Of COURSE i heard of cows, we just passed a flock of 'em"
3 strings walk in to a bar and order drinks.. the bartender looks at them and says, are you guys strings? we don't serve strings in here, get out.
Then they're outside and one of the strings is like, hey guys, I'm going to put on this Jean jacket and mustache and see if I can get us in.
String goes in, bartender yells, hey! Aren't you a string? get outta here!
The second string is like, let me try this wig and purse and see if I can pass as a girl and get in.
String goes in, bartender yells, hey! Are you a string? get outta here!
Damnit! Says the third string. Wtf are we going to do?
Wait.. he says, I have an idea.. I'll mess up my hair and tie myself all up.. I'll get in for sure this time!
So the third string walks in to the bar and the bartender looks at him and asks.. 'hey there! Aren't you a string? We don't serve strings in here..
And third string says..
Nope! I'm afraid not!
MetalEd ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:42:38 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
A skeleton walks into a bar and says "Give me a beer and a mop."
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:59:51 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Two guys are fishing one Sunday afternoon, and they seen a funeral procession going down the road by the lake. One man stands up straight and holds his hat in front of his chest until the hearse passes. His friend says "Gosh Stan, that was really respectful."
ClubSoda ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:04:09 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
During the lunch meal in prison somebody yells out "64" and everybody starts laughing. A few minutes later, somebody else yells "114", even more laughing. A new prisoner is confused by the laughter and asks a buddy next to him, "What's going on? Why is everybody laughing at numbers?" The buddy replies, "Well, since we've all been here so long, we know all the jokes and heard them so many times, we decided to save time by just numbering them and yelling out the number for that joke." The new prisoner is amazed and is eager to fit in so he goes about memorizing the jokes and their associated numbers for the next week. Pleased with his efforts, the new prisoner at the following week's lunch meal yells out "35" and looks around. Silence. Nobody laughs. Then he yells "78". Again, just silence and awkward stares from the other prisoners. "I don't understand it. I've got all the joke numbers memorized. Why isn't everybody laughing?" he asks his buddy. He replies, "Well, don't take this wrong way, but I guess not everybody can tell a joke."
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:04:11 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I got this from reddit. Why did the chicken cross the road... To see the ugly girl...... (no one laughed)....... Here is another one, Knock knock.. "who is there"... The chicken
A mother took her daughter to the park. Soon the little girl was playing with two sisters. Her mother asked her to introduce them to her. Her daughter said "Mom, this is Tulip and Rose. They are named after the first thing that touched their head after they were born." Her mother then noticed another girl, standing off on her own to the side. The girl was sucking on a rock and making loud, unintelligible sounds.. "Who's that?" The mother asked. "Oh," her daughter said sadly, "That's their little sister, Cinderblock."
Why do seagulls fly by the sea? If they flew by the bay, they would be bagels.
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:08:08 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I stole the exact write-up from the first place I could find it on Google. I think I read it in Reader's Digest before.
One night, a Delta twin-engine puddle jumper was flying somewhere above New
Jersey. There were five people on board: the pilot, Michael Jordan, Bill
Gates, The Dali Lama, and a hippie. Suddenly, an illegal oxygen generator
exploded loudly in the luggage compartment, and the passenger cabin began to
fill with smoke. The cockpit door opened, and the pilot burst into the
compartment.
"Gentlemen," he began, "I have good news and bad news. The bad news is that
we're about to crash in New Jersey. The good news is that there are four
parachutes, and I have one of them!"
With that, the pilot threw open the door and jumped from the plane. Michael
Jordan was on his feet in a flash. "Gentlemen," he said, "I am the world's
greatest athlete. The world needs great athletes. I think the world's
greatest athlete should have a parachute!"
With these words, he grabbed one of the remaining parachutes, and hurtled
through the door and into the night.
Bill Gates rose and said, "Gentlemen, I am the world's smartest man. The
world needs smart men. I think the world's smartest man should have
parachute, too."
He grabbed one, and out he jumped.
The Dali Lama and the hippie looked at one another. Finally, the Dali Lama
spoke. "My son," he said, "I have lived a satisfying life and have known
the bliss of True Enlightenment. You have your life ahead of you, you take
a parachute, and I will go down with the plane."
The hippie smiled slowly and said, "Hey, don't worry, pop. The world's
smartest man just jumped out wearing my backpack."
A teacher was worried about her Student's self-esteem. She thought if they discussed their insecurities, it would help. So one day she asks her class, "Everyone, please stand up if you think you're ugly." No one stood. "Come on, don't be shy." She encouraged. Finally, one little girl stood. The teacher smiled softly, and said "Mary, why do you think youre ugly?" Mary replied, "I don't, I just felt bad for you standing up there all by yourself."
three birds, a family, sitting on a wire. dad says "my instincts say we should fly north". mother says "my instinct say we should fly south". baby birds says "my end stinks, but it don't say anything bout going anywhere".
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:17:29 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Why should you never trust Adams?
They make up everything!
B170755 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:17:33 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
A man comes in from fishing on the lake, his wife decides to go out in the boat and relax. She is reading a book when the game warden comes along side and asks for her license. She says " I just came out on the water to relax I'm not fishing". The warden says " you have the poles and all the equipment, I'll have to cite you." To Wichita the wife replied " What's you name so I can put it on the sexual harassment suite. " What do you mean I haven't touched you", she replies " Well you have all the equipment" . The warden says " you have a nice day ma'am."
tinkafoo ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:18:01 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?
-- Steven Wright
Cruzoa ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:18:24 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Mushroom walks into a restaurant and waits to be seated. Waiter says to him, sorry we don't serve your kind here. Mushroom says,"come on, I'm a FUNGI."
This is a loooong one . . .
Three blondes die in a car crash and ascend to the pearly gates to meet St. Peter. He explains to them that although they are decent people, they will need to correctly answer a question - "What is the meaning of Easter?" The first blond says "Is easter when you get together with your family, roast a big turkey and give thanks for everything you have in your life??", St. Peter responds, "No my dear, I believe you're thinking of Thanksgiving." The next blonde thinks for awhile and answers "Easter is when you dress up in a scary costume and go trick-or-treating and look at all of the jack-o-lanterns!" Dismayed, St. Peter tells her "No sweetie, that's Halloween." Without much hope left, he turns to the third blonde who's been in deep contemplation the entire time. After a moment she begins "I think easter is when we remember when Jesus had the last supper with all of his disciples, and was betrayed by Judas. Later he was arrested and sentenced to die by Pontius Pilate. He was beaten and eventually nailed to a cross." St. Peter is impressed and says "That's right! Can you tell me what happened next?" The blonde thinks hard and says, "Well . . .Jesus eventually died on the cross and his body was taken down by his followers and put into a small cave, and they rolled a big stone in front of the entrance." St. Peter is sure he's found a winner, but has to be sure. He asks the third blonde "You're right so far, but what's the most important part of the story?" The blonde again thinks hard and says, "Well, they rolled the stone aside after three days . . . and if Jesus pops out and sees his shadow it mean's there's six more weeks of winter."
What is Salvador Dali's favorite breakfast? Surreal!
spaztig ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:21:38 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
What's the difference between people in Dubai and people in Abu Dhabi?
People in Dubai don't watch the the Flintstones, people in Abu Dhabi do.
Edit - removed words
Vole182 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:21:46 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Bartley MacDermott wants a job, but the boss wonโt hire him until he passes a simple math test. The boss says:
Here is your first question; without using numbers, represent the number 9.
Bartley say:
Without numbers? Thatโs easy.
Bartley proceeds to draw three trees. The boss asks:
What the heck is this?
To which Bartley replies:
Have you no brain? Tree and tree, plus tree makes 9.
The boss responds:
Okay, here is your second question. Use the same rules, but this time the number is 99.
Bartley stares into space for a while, then picks up the picture that he has just drawn and makes a smudge on each tree..
There ye go.
The boss scratches his head and says:
How on earth do you get that to represent 99?
To which Bartley replies:
Each of the trees is dirty now. So, itโs dirty tree, and dirty tree, plus dirty tree. Dat makes 99.
The boss is getting worried that heโs actually going to have to hire Bartley, so he says:
All right, last question. Same rules again, but represent the number 100.
Bartley stares into space a bit, then he picks up the picture and makes a little mark at the base of each tree and says,
Here ye go. One hundred.
The boss looks at the picture:
You must be crazy if you think that represents a hundred!
Bartley leans forward and points to the marks at the base of each tree and says:
A little dog came along and pooped by each tree. So now you got dirty tree and a turd, dirty tree and a turd, and dirty tree and a turd, which makes 100.
3 frogs are hanging out at a bar. The bartender hands them a basket of flies as an appetizer. One frog smiles at the other two and says, "Time's fun when you're having flies."
davelog ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:31:04 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
My dog loves pizza. Yesterday he ate a pizza the mailman.
Singel48 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:31:07 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
What animal can jump higher than a pyramid?
All of them, because a pyramid can't jump!
This guy is driving down a busy country highway when he spots a duck trying to cross the road. The man decides he's going to help the duck so he pulls over but he's not sure what he should do! So he brings the duck to a nearby police station and talks to the officer at the desk.
"Hey, I found this duck trying to cross a busy road. What should I do with it?"
"Well jeez, I'm not sure.." After pondering the situation for a few moments, the cop snaps his fingers. "I've got it! Why don't you bring him to the zoo? He'll love it there"
"Great idea!", the man says.
The next day, the police officer is walking downtown when he sees the man from yesterday, and he is still holding the duck! The officer jogs over to question the man.
"Sir, what are you still doing with that duck? I thought I told you to bring him to the zoo!"
"Oh well, I did, but that was yesterday. Today we're going to the movies!"
Singel48 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:31:47 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
A man and his friend are heading to a party hosted by one of the friend's acquaintances. They are just pulling into the driveway of the ritziest house in the ritziest part of town. As they near the door, the friend cautions the man: "The guys who's hosting this party is really nice, but just promise me you won't stare, and for the love of God, PLEASE don't ask about his head." The man, taken aback by such a strange warning, says "Uh, sure, I guess?" The friend nods solemnly as they enter the house. And what a house. The room they enter into has huge vaulted ceilings, tasteful but obviously ludicrously expensive decorations, and a crowd of the most finely dressed, beautiful people you can imagine. The man takes in the room as his friend wanders off to greet some people he knows. "Good lord," the man thinks to himself "whoever owns this house must be stupendously lucky!"
The man started mingling, eyeballing the decor, enjoying the free (very expensive) drinks and making small talk here and there.
In a search for more drinks, the man wandered over to an adjacent room to the large one he had originally entered into. While he lifted another glass of champagne from the nearest butler, his jaw dropped as his eyes locked on what could only be the host. Tall, immaculately dressed, and on the arm of a woman of unparalleled beauty, the host of the party also sported an enormous, round, orange head. As if his skull had been replaced by an orange the size of a beach ball, but otherwise having a normal-sized, albeit very orange, face. The man stood aghast. He wanted to look away, but could not. A million questions ran through his head. How had the man come to have such an enormous orange head? How was he still alive? Did it smell like an orange? Was it peel-able? But, remembering his promise to his friend, the man composed himself and walked back to the main room.
The night went on, and the man had an excellent time, talking with beautiful people and enjoying glass after glass of excellent champagne. Occasionally, he would catch sight of the host, and quickly wander off to another room to avoid embarrassing himself. But after his drink count had meandered into the double digits, his curiosity was harder and harder to ignore. After downing something like his thirteenth glass, and spying the host alone for a brief second, the man could hold it in no longer and approached him. The host saw him coming and greeted him with a knowing smile.
"How do you do?" the host asked, "are you enjoying yourself?"
"Yes, absolutely. Your house is amazing, and these people are all charming and gorgeous. You are very lucky. But... I have to ask..." "About my enormous orange head?" the host lightly sighed, "Well, I was a famous archaeologist on a trip to the Dark Continent, when I happened across a treasure trove unlike anything you could imagine, artefacts older and in better shape than had ever been discovered before. But one in particular caught my eye. It was a lamp. And I know this sounds trite, but I thought I'd give it a rub, just in case. Sure enough, a genie emerged, and offered to grant me three wishes! Naturally, my first wish was for fabulous wealth, which you can see by my house I most certainly got. My second wish was to meet and wed the perfect woman, and I certainly got that, and more. The third..."
"Yes? Yes?" the man was practically drooling with anticipation.
"... And I think this is where I went wrong. My third wish was to have an enormous orange head."
One day, a man with no arms went to a bell tower to apply to become the bell ringer. Doubtful that the man could do the job, the proprietor asked him to try ringing it before a decision was made. The armless man ran towards the bell and hit it with his head, producing such a beautiful sound that the proprietor decided to hire him. The next day was his first day on the job, but as he ran towards the bell, he slipped and fell off the tower, which unfortunately killed him. Two men who were on the street below saw this happen and one of them asked the other, "Who is that?" to which his friend replied, "I don't know, but his face rings a bell."
Daforce1 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:47:20 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Why don't elephants use suitcases?
They prefer trunks
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:47:29 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Patrick: you're good, you're good, you're good (crash)
dawgyson ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:47:49 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
A day before his 15th birthday, the son of a wealthy family was asked by his father, `Well my son, what would you like for your birthday?'
The son hesitated a moment and his father's thoughts leapt ahead to a new computer and similar things. However, his son had had a new computer only recently and could have a new one any time he wished.
Finally, the son said, `Father, I have everything a boy could wish for, but there is one thing I would really like. I would love to have a pink ping pong ball.'
The father was rather astonished at this wish, but said, `If it is a pink ping pong ball that you want, a pink ping pong ball you shall have.'
And so, the next day, the son was given as his bithday present a pink ping pong ball.
The boy took the ball to his room and the next morning the pink ping pong ball was gone. The father was mildly surprised but decided not to say anything. The pink ping pong ball, however, was never seen again.
The next year, a day before his 16th birthday, the father asked his son what he would like for his birthday.
Father,' replied the son,I have everything a boy could possibly wish for, but there is one thing I would really, really like. I would love to have a tenpack of pink ping pong balls.'
The father was more surprised than the year before, but kept his curiosity at bay, for he knew that his son had a right for privacy. he said therefore, `If it is a tenpack of pink ping pong balls that you want, a tenpack of pink ping pong balls you shall have.'
And so, the next day, the son was given as his birthday present a tenpack of pink ping pong balls.
The boy took the tenpack of balls to his room and the next morning, not a single ball remained, merely the empty husk of the tenpack. The father wondered where ten pink ping pong balls might disappear to, but decided not to say anything. The pink ping pong balls, however, were never seen again.
The next year, a day before his 17th birthday, the son was asked by his father what he would like for his birthday.
Father,' said the son to this,I have everything a boy could wish for, but one thing would make my happiness complete. I would dearly want a carton of pink ping pong balls.'
The father was beyond surprise, but decided to make sure he had not misheard. `A carton of pink ping pong balls?'
`A carton of pink ping pong balls,' the boy confirmed.
I can't understand your fascination with pink ping pong balls,' said the father,but if it is a carton of pink ping pong balls that you want, it is a carton of pink ping pong balls that you shall have.'
And so, the next day, the boy was given as his birthday present a carton of pink ping pong balls.
The boy was delighted and took the carton to his room. The next day, miraculously (as if by magic, even) the pink ping pong balls had all disappeared.
Dear son,' said the father,I must ask now, what do you do with all those pink ping pong balls?'
The son, however, was reluctant to tell him. `Please humour me, dear father.'
The carton of pink ping pong balls, however, was never seen again.
The next year, it was clear that the son would get a car, but the father felt that, perhaps, his son also had some other wish apart from the obvious. So, one day before the son's 18th birthday, the father asked him whether he had a special wish for his birthday.
Dearest father,' the son started,I have everything a young man could possibly want, but there is one craving in me. I would, more than anything, want a warehouse full of pink ping pong balls.'
One of these years, his father thought, I should get to the bottom of this. However, he decided to humour his son's wish. At least he had been wise enough to buy shares in a pink ping pong ball factory.
The next day, the son was given the address of a warehouse where all his new pink ping pong balls were stored. The son was delighted and decided to spend the next night in the warehouse rather than at home.
The following morning, the son stepped out of the warehouse, but it seemed to be empty otherwise. The father had a closer l
A man is driving down the road and breaks down near a monastery. He goes to the monastery, knocks on the door, and says, My car broke down. Do you think I could stay the night? The monks graciously accept him, feed him dinner, even fix his car. As the man tries to fall asleep, he hears a very strange sound. The next morning, he asks the monks what the sound was, but they say, We can't tell you. You're not a monk.
The man is disappointed but thanks them anyway and goes about his merry way. Some years later, The same man breaks down in front of the same monastery. The monks again accept him, feed him, and again fix his car. That night, he hears the same strange noise that he had heard years earlier. The next morning, he asks what it is, but the monks reply, We can't tell you. You're not a monk.
The man says, All right, all right. I'm dying to know.
If the only way I can find out what that sound was is to become a monk, how do I become a monk?
The monks reply, You must travel the earth and tell us how many blades of grass there are and the exact number of sand pebbles, when you find these numbers, you will become a monk. The man sets about his task. Some 54 years later, he returns and knocks on the door of the monastery.
He says, I have traveled the earth and have found what you have asked for. There are 145,236,284,232 blades of grass and 231,281,219,999,129,382 sand pebbles on the earth.
The monks reply, Congratulations. You are now a monk. We shall now show you the way to the sound.
The monks lead the man to a wooden door where the head monk says, The sound is right behind that door. The man reaches for the knob, but the door is locked.
He says, Real funny. May I have the key? The monks give him the key, and he opens the door. Behind the wooden door is another door made of stone.
The man demands the key to the stone door. The monks give him the key, and he opens it, only to find a door made of ruby. He demands another key from the monks, who provide it.
Behind that door is another door, this one made of sapphire, And so it went until the man had gone through doors of emerald, silver, topaz, and amethyst.
Finally, the monks say, This is the last key to the last door.
The man is relieved to know that he has finally reached to the end .
He unlocks the door, turns the knob, and behind that door he is amazed to find the source of that strange sound.
But he can't tell you what it is because you're not a monk.
Pinoy929 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:08:11 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy whips out his phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps, "My friend is dead! What can I do?" The operator says "Calm down. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead." There is a silence, then a gun shot is heard. Back on the phone, the guy says "OK, now what?"
whats black & white and red all over? A newspaper.
mpq222 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:14:50 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
How do you catch a polar bear? Cut a hole in the ice and place peas all the way around it. When the bear goes to take a pea,kick it in the ice hole.( works better spoken then when you read it)
In a hotel, there is a room that everyone says is haunted. One day, a businessman comes to stay in the hotel. The haunted room was the only one available. He thought that all the people were crazy and took the room. That night, he slept on the left side of the bead, and hear a very quiet voice. It said: "If the log rolls over, we will die we will die. If the log..." He screamed and leapt out the window. The next night, a body builder came to stay in the hotel. He too, disregarded the warnings and stayed in the room. He slept on the right side of the bed and heard a voice. It was a little louder than the previous night's and it said: "If the log rolls over, we will die, we will die. If the log..." He screamed and ran out the window. The following night, a ghost hunting couple stayed in the room. The husband was asleep in bed, while do wife was in the restroom getting ready for bed. She hear a voice. It was much louder than the previous nights and it said: "If the log rolls over, we will die, we will die. If the log..." She thought it was coming from the toilet and lifted the lid. Inside, she found a piece of poop, and on top were a large group of ants that were chanting "If the log rolls over, we will die, we will die. If the log..."
A photon is randomly selected for extra TSA screening. The agent asks the photon, "Why no checked bags or carry on? It seems a little suspicious..." The photon replied "Isn't it obvious? I'm traveling light".
vadkert ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:23:49 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Man goes into the butcher shop to pick up his order. He realizes he's lost his wallet. Having a good relationship with the butcher, he proposes a wager, instead of having to run home and get his wallet and come back.
'Say, I bet you I can grab any of the meat you got hanging in here without going on my tip-toes. You point out the meat, I grab it. If I can do it, you'll let me have my order on the house.'
The butcher thinks for a moment. He's not opposed to the wager, as he knows the man is an honest, regular customer, but he doesn't like the sound of it. 'Hmm. As it is, I don't stand to gain anything here. But how about this: I'll point out the meat, you grab it. If you can do it without going on tip toes, you can have your order for free. But if you can't do it, then you gotta pay up double your total.'
The man thinks for a moment, looking around the butcher shop. 'Sorry Sal, don't think I can do it.'
'No?'
'No sir, not a bet like that. The steaks are too high, you see.'
orbital ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:31:14 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
An orange snake and a green snake are slithering down a trail, the orange snake asks the green snake "hey am I poisonous?" the green snake says "I dunno, why?" and the orange snake says "because I just bit my lip!"
A young couple ask for water in a restaurant. The woman mentions that she received a dirty glass the last time she was in this particular establishment. The waiter leaves and returns after a time with two glasses on a tray and says, "OK, which of you wanted the clean glass?"
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:34:49 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
[deleted]
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:50:37 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
A British soldier was captured by the Germans during the war, he was sent to work in a labour camp.
In the first week the soldier was involved in a nasty accident which resulted in the loss of both his feet. He requested that the Germans take his feet and drop them over England during the next bombing run, they accepted.
A few weeks later hes involved in another accident and loses both his legs, again he requests that his legs be dropped over england with the next bombing run, the Germans accept.
One month later and the soldier has another accident, this time losing both his arms, He requests that his arms be dropped over england on the next bombing run. The german officer replied "NEIN VE THINK YOU ARE TRYING TO ESCAPE"
In an old Indian tribe, the chief wished to protect his people, so for the men to go on hunting trips they had to have his permission.
So one day a man comes to the chief and asks for permission to leave the tribe and hunt for his family. The chief says "You may hunt, but you must return in 3 days." So the man leaves and on the evening of the 3rd day he returns with a large buck. The chief asks "How you get buck?" The man replies, "I see tracks, I follow tracks I get buck."
The next day another man approaches the chief for permission to hunt. Of course, the chief tells him he may hunt but he must return in 3 days. on the evening of the 3rd day, the man returns with a HUGE bear. The chief asks "how you get bear?" The man replies "I see tracks, I follow tracks, I get bear."
Having heard the wisdom of the first two men, the next day a third man comes and asks the chief for permission. Now, the chief is a little nervous about sending this man out hunting since he's considered to be the "tribe idiot". After careful consideration, the chief gives him permission and again tells the man that he must return in 3 days.
After about a week with no sight of the man, the chief begins to regret his decision and begins to gather men for a search party. Just as the party was about to head out on their search, they see the man at the edge of the camp, bloodied, battered and crawling along the ground. The men and the chief rush to the man and the chief asks "What happened you??" The man replies "I see tracks, I follow tracks, I get hit by train!"
What do you call a deer with no eyes?
No eye deer (say it out loud with a southern accent)
What do you call a deer with no eyes and no legs?
STILL no eye deer
PoppinJ ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:46:50 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
A cat goes into a bar. Bartender asks, "What can I get you?" The cat says, "Anything will be great." The bartender give him a glass of beer. The cat knocks the beer off the bar and it crashes on the floor. Then the cat says, "I'll have another."
dankula ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:47:01 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
What do you call a guy with no arms or legs in the water?
Bob.
What do you call a guy with no arms or legs at the front door?
Matt.
What do you call a guy with no arms or legs hanging on the wall?
Art.
Bmic31 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:49:48 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Want to hear a dirty joke?
Boy fell in a puddle.
Sometimes it takes a moment to soak in. An old man I used to know named Forest told me that with the biggest grin then walked away. I was like huh? Then OOOOOOOH. :)
A little boy runs into a store, out of breath. He asks the clerk, "Where's the pepper?" The clerk says, "What kind of pepper? We have black pepper, red pepper and green peppers." The boy replies, "Mama said for me to hurry right home with some toilet pepper!"
A mortally wounded German soldier is about to die and calls a nurse. He says, "I'm going to die as a soldier and I'd like to know for whom I've given my life". The nurse answers: "You are dying for the Fรผhrer and the German people." The soldier asks, "Can the Fรผhrer come to my bedside?" The Nurse says "No, that's not possible, but I'll bring you a picture of him." The soldier tells her to put it on the right-hand side of his bed and then says, "I was in the Luftwaffe." So the nurse brings him a picture of Gรถring and puts it to the left of the bed. Then the soldier says, "Now I can die like Jesus."
[Not so] Fun fact for the day; the person who came pup with this joke, the Bavarian Catholic priest Joseph Mรผller, was executed by the Nazi regime for telling this joke
Merusk ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:59:35 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
notmax ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 04:06:56 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
A little penguin turns to his older brother one day and asks: "am I really a penguin? You can tell me the truth you know if I'm not. "
His brother pokes a bit of fun at him and eventually confirms he's a penguin. "We wouldn't be brothers if you weren't a penguin because I'm pretty sure I'm one. "
The little penguin still isn't sure so he goes and finds his dad and asks him the same question.
"Dad, are you certain?" He pleads. So his dad tells him the story of sitting in the middle of the South Pole with the egg that one day turned into the little penguin balanced precariously on his flippers for six months while mom went and ate fish 50 miles away.
Still disbelieving, he seeks out mom. She'll know for sure he thinks.
"Mom, please, tell me the truth: am I really, definitely, 100% penguin? Don't lie to me, I'll know if you do. "
She gently takes him under her flipper and tells him about he long walk back from the ocean, her belly fully of fish and excitement to see how he egg would hatch. How he was all grey and fuffy, and had a seemingly endless appetite for the delicious fish she had collected. His first waddle, the day the last of his fluff fell away to reveal his beautiful sleek black and white and yellow feathers, and his first swim.
Eventually, she persuades him and he settles down a bit. So she asks him "so what's his all about, eh?" (for it's well known that real penguins all talk like Canadians) "what's all he fuss about?"
"Well", says the little penguin, "if I'm really a penguin, why am I so f*cling cold all the time??"
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 04:07:05 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Why is Peter Pan always flying?
He neverlands!
UDM_2004 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 04:07:45 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
What's harder than getting an elephant in the back seat of your car?
Getting two elephants in the backseat of your car.
What's harder than getting two elephants in the backseat of your car?
Getting a pregnant elephant in the back seat of your car.
What's harder than getting a pregnant elephant in the back seat of your car?
Getting an elephant pregnant in the backseat of your car.
Bob was a construction worker who was very accident prone, but luckily his best friend and coworker John was always there to help him out.
One day, Bob suffered a horrible accident and managed to amputate his foot. John hurriedly shoved the foot into a plastic bag, knotted it tight, and rushed Bob to the hospital. Due to the miracle of modern science, the doctors were able to reattach Bob 's foot and he carries on wih out any ill effects.
Later Bob managed to do it again, however this time he severed his hand. John,to the rescue once more, grabs his severed hand, shoves it in a plastic bag, knots it tightly and rushes Bob to the hospital. Once again the doctors miraculously reattach Bob 's hand and he is able to go about his normal life.
Time passes, and Bob once again is victim to his own bad luck. This time, he manages to decapitate himself. "OH DEAR LORD!!!" John exclaims and hurriedly grabs Bob's severed head, puts it in a plastic bag,knots it tightly and rushes Bob to the hospital.
Sitting in the waiting room at the hospital, John nervously paces back and forth awaiting the fate of his friend. After a while, the doctor comes out and asks to speak to John.
"What happened doc?" John asks, "did Bob make it?"
"Unfortunately no, John. " the doctor solemnly says.
"Someone stuffed Bob's head in a plastic bag and he suffocated to death."
What did the snail riding on the back of a turtle say?
"Wheeeeeee!"
azantyri ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 04:16:25 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
my all time favorite one is :
tell someone, "hey! want to hear the greatest knock-knock joke in the world?"
they say, "yeah!"
you say, "okay, you start it off!"
they say, "knock, knock!"
you say, "who's there?"
Gonzo53 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 04:25:09 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
What kind of bear has no teeth? A gummy bear.
Tell that joke to a kid under 5 and they fall over laughing
sociohat ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 04:25:25 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Why would you invite a mushroom to a party?
Because he's a nice guy. Why wouldn't you?
yxlist ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 04:40:11 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Its because he's a fun guy.
fungi.
get it?
jokesLUL ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 04:26:18 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
An Irishman and an American are arguing about who went into space first. The American is adamant that Uncle Sam was the first to put a man on the moon." What Bollocks," relies the Irishman,"and anyhow,I hear that soon we'll be sending as Irish Astronaut to the sun!"The American can't believe his ears. "don't be ridiculous, he laughs,"the fool would burn to death! "You great eejit," replies the Irishman."were not all stupid bastards... we're going to send him at night ."
and
An experimental shuttle mission blasts off for the moon with just three crew members on board: two monkeys and a blond. As they reach orbit, Mission Control radios the craft.
"Monkey No 1! Monkey No 1! Go to the control console and complete your launch checks ."Quickly the ape swings over and sits down to follow the instructions:he releases the pressure in the payload bay,lowers the temperature in engine four and balances the oxygen ratio in the reactors.
Moments later, Mission Control calls again "Monkey No 2! Monkey No 2! Go to the control console and complete your orbital tasks."
The primate knuckles over and does what he's is told Launching a Key weather satellite and analyzing solar reading.
An hour into the journey mission control calls again: Woman! Please go to console."As she sits at the blinking screen, the speaker barks again .
"please complete your...."
"i know she moans.
"just feed the monkeys and don't toutch anything."
What did Arnold Schwarzenneger decide for a Halloween costume?
"I'LL BE BACH".
Iquey ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 04:29:13 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Hank works at a fancy hotel. One day the manager tells everyone to be at their best because the Queen if England is coming to the hotel. So every employee stands outside to welcome her. As soon she sees Hank she yells: "Hey Hank! Long time no see! Come with me and we catch up!
The manager, obviously stunned by the fact that Hank knows her, goes and ask him:" say Hank, who else do you know?" to which Hank says: well, I know president Obama. "
So the manager books a flight to the White house with Hank, and the same thing happens. Obama is happy to see Hank, and they grab a Coffee and hang out for a bit.
The manager is in complete disbelieve, espessially when Hank says: "I also know the Pope!"
So they're off to Rome, and they go to the balcony where the Pope always waves, and when waving he sees Hank, invites him in and within 10 minutes Hank stands next to the Pope waving to the People.
So Hank comes back down and sees his manager passed out on the ground. He runs towards him and asks: "what happened?!?!"
The manager replies: "I was almost passing out when I saw you up there, but then a chinese couple came to me and asked me who the guy with the robe was next to Hank"
"Why'd the chicken cross the road?"
"I don't know"
"to see the dummy."
"okay.."
Seconds later
"knock knock"
"who's there..?"
"The Chicken"
Every kid loves this joke.
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 04:32:30 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Maybe not G-rated, but I first heard and understood it as a kid. Love it to this day. "How do you fit an elephant into a Safeway bag? I'll give you a hint, take the 'S' out of 'safe' and the 'F' out of 'way.'
A college student is doing an experiment. He tells a frog to jump, and it jumps. He cuts one of its legs off, tells it to jump, and it jumps. Cuts off another leg, tells it to jump and it jumps. Cuts off the third leg, tells it to jump and it jumps. After cutting off the fourth leg, he tells the frog to jump and it just sits there. The student writes in his notebook: "If you cut all four legs off a frog, the frog can't hear."
So two green beans are crossing the road to go to the market. A semi comes roaring down the road and plows into one of the poor green beans. His friend calls 911 in tears and the paramedics rush to help the poor hurt green bean. Luckily, the regions premier food injury hospital is nearby, and the paramedics are in perfect form. The badly injured bean is wheeled inside and the doctors jump into action.
After a long and harrowing surgery, the doctor comes out to talk to the other green bean. "Doctor! Will my friend live?" asks the injured bean's distraught friend. "Well son, I have good news and bad news..." the doctor replies. "Please, doctor, just tell me he will survive!" interrupts the bean in a panic. "Yes! Yes!" replies the doctor, "your friend will pull through... but that is the good news. The bad news is..." The doctor takes a deep breath, "... he will be a vegetable for the rest of his life."
Two Allied soldiers have been sent into Germany to assassinate Hitler. They are told he will be seeing a show at the theater and will be leaving at 8:00. They are waiting outside the theater when 8:00 comes and goes, no Hitler. 8:30, no Hitler. 9:00, still no Hitler. Finally, one of the assassins looks at the other and says, "My God, I hope nothing happened to him..."
bttech05 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 04:57:03 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
In the beginning God said to Moses, "whoever comes forth will receive eternal life."
However, Moses came 5th.. so he won a toaster
Edit: Grammer
TaedW ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 04:57:43 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
"How does a baby duck get out of its shell?" "They quack it open!"
caliopy ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 04:58:33 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
sandwich walks into a bar. Bartender looks at him and say "NO! not going to happen. We don't serve food."
TaedW ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 04:58:39 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
A farmer decided to play a joke on his wife around Easter. He went in the chicken coop and placed colored eggs under the nesting hens. The rooster strolled into the coop, sees the colored eggs, storms out and beats up the peacock.
bugmango ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:04:01 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Did you hear about the cannibal who passed a missionary on the trail?
Timwi ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:04:47 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
A pony walked into a bar. The bartender recognized her as the lead singer of a popular hit single. She said, "Would you mind singing on our humble stage for us?" And the pony responded, "No, I'm a little hoarse."
An Airport goes to the doctor and the Dr says, "I have bad news, you have cancer." The Airport gasps, "oh no! What kind?"
"Terminal"
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:13:20 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
A grasshopper walks into a bar. The bartender says "Hey, we have a drink named after you!"
The grasshopper says "Really?! You have a drink named Earl?!"
me2pleez ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:14:49 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Why are portholes round? So the water won't hit you square in the face.
A blind man walks into a store and starts knocking things off the shelf with his cane. The store manager comes up to him and asks "Can I help you?" The blind man replies "No, I'm just looking."
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:22:57 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
What do you call a man in a hole? Doug
Anovan ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:24:20 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Ludozing ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:25:39 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
How do you make a Kleenex dance? - Put a little boogie in it.
mogoose ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:26:46 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Wanna hear a good pizza joke?
Never mind it's too cheesy
Ludozing ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:27:23 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Whats the difference between a piano, a fish and a jar of glue? - "you can tune a piano but you can't tune a fish" then hopefully someone asks about the glue, "what about the glue though?" - "everyone always get stuck on the glue"
Two muffins are baking in the oven. One turns to the other and says, "Hey, it's getting kind of hot in here." The other muffin says "Holy crap, a talking muffin!"
rahot ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:32:49 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Knock knock
Who's there
I eat mop
BT4life ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:33:37 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I spilled spot remover on my dog.
Now he's gone
rendar00 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:35:13 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Soldier walks into a bar with a big 'ole ostrich. Bartender asks the guy, "So what's with the bird?"
Soldier says he used to be stationed over in Iraq. Out on patrol one day, he came across an old man who looked to be dying of thirst. The soldier give the poor fellow water and first aid and saves his life.
In gratitude, the old man says, "I am a Jinn, and because you were kind, I grant you a wish."
Soldier thinks about it for a while, then says, "I'm really lonely stationed out here. My wish is for a tall chick with long legs that will follow me everywhere?"
A blonde girl runs up to her overprotective father and exclaims, "Oh Daddy! I met this man Sergei at the coffee shop, and he's amazing! He went to Yale!"
The father is impressed, but cautious. "Well, let's have him over for dinner". So later that day, the girl brings Sergei to her house, and her father greets him at the door.
F: "So, Sergei! I hear you went to Yale!"
S: "Yes sir. Was there almost ten years, learned a lot believe me."
Now the dad is suspicious. "Isn't ten years an awful long time to be there, young man?"
Sergei's eyes go wide. "Yes sir! That's what I told the yudge!"
June is watching tv when the doorbell rings. She answers it and much to her delight, there is a man delivering a telegram.
"A telegram?!" she ask, excitedly. "Is it a singing telegram?"
"No, ma'am," the man replies. "I'm sorry, it is not."
"Alright, but would you sing it for me anyway?"
"Uh, no, ma'am, I'm sorry. I don't think that would be ---"
"Oh please just sing it for me? I've always wanted a singing telegram."
This went on for several minutes, and finally the man consented. June clasped her hands, beaming, ready to hear her singing telegram, and the man began to sing:
"Bum, bum, bum, Your sister, Rose, is dead, bum, bum, bum..."
Two pieces of string walk into a bar. Bartender says "we don't serve your kind in here"
First string turns to leave but the second one won't let him. First string says. "You hear him, they don't serve strings here". Second string says "Well, I'm a frayed knot"!
Why did the pebble roll down the hill?
To get boulder.
My girlfriend losses her mind every time I say that.
Tralan ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:46:41 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
If someone asks me if I want to go do something that requires money.
"Call me Edgar Allen, cuz I''s Po'!"
I've been experimenting with:
"Call me Tchaikovsky, cuz I'm Baroque."
"Like a strict oyster bar, I got no clams."
"I'd make a poor baker cuz I got no dough!"
and finally, "I'm like a herd of doe; no bucks!"
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:46:43 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Mrs Jones takes Mr Smith to court for defamation, since Mr Smith keeps calling Mrs Jones a pig. The judge rules that Mr Smith is guilty of defamation, and orders him to stop calling Mrs Jones a pig.
Mr Smith says, "Am I to understand that I am not allowed to call Mrs Jones a pig?"
"Correct," says the judge.
"But can I call a pig 'Mrs Jones'?" asks Mr Smith.
"I suppose you can," replies the judge, "There is no law against it."
Mr Smith turns to Mrs Jones and says, "Good afternoon, Mrs Jones."
A mushroom walks into a bar and orders a drink. The bartender says, "Sorry, we don't serve your kind here." The mushroom replies "Oh come on, I'm a fungi."
How much wood could a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could Chuck Norris?
phadeone ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 06:13:20 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Two muffins are sitting in an oven. One Muffin looks at the other and says "is it hot on here or is it just me?" and the other Muffin says "AAAHHHHH! It's a talking Muffin!"
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 06:14:13 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
If a gull by the sea is called a seagull. What is a gull by the Bay called?
A sailor on a Navy ship is given control of the helm for the first time during the night shift. There's a thick fog, and through the haze, he sees a light. He has the radioman scan for a signal, and hails the light.
"This is a ship bearing down on you, please change course."
The light responds, "Impossible. Please change course."
The sailor is getting annoyed, and says,
"I recommend you change course, sir. We're in a big ship and it would be easier for you to change course."
The light responds,
"Negatory, sir. That will not be possible."
The sailor is angry now.
"This is a US Navy battleship bearing down on you at 25 knots, please change your course, sir!"
The light responds with,
"That would be difficult, considering I'm in a lighthouse."
This one:
Teacher catches me being a nuisance in class and points a ruler at me and says, "At the end of this ruler exists an idiot". After a few seconds I ask, "Which end are you referring to?".
A mushroom walks into a bar sits down and starts hitting on a lady. She rejects his advaces. The mushroom goes "hey lady I'm a fun guy!" Get it fungi...hehe.
I was driving down the road, feeling blue, and I saw a sign that said "Need Jesus?" with a phone number listed. When I got home, I called. A little while later, a Mexican showed up at my door with a lawn mower.
xraynorx ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 06:27:44 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Why do fish live in salt water?
Because pepper makes them sneeze.
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 06:27:48 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
How do you catch a unique fox? Unique up on it.
How do you catch a tame fox? Tame way, unique up on it.
Q: What did the fish say when it hit the wall?
A: Dam.
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 06:28:38 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
From my son's college aged girlfriend who actually laughs out loud every time she tells the joke - Two muffins are sitting in an oven when one says to the other, "Man it's hot in here!" The other muffin looks at the first and says, "Oh my - a talking muffin!"
jmelina ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 06:30:01 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
One night a turtle is on his way home. It's late and he missed the bus so he has to walk through the "bad" part of town.
He cuts through an alley to save some time and that's when he runs into 3 thugged out snails. One snails says, "This is a mugging" while another snail hits the turtle over the head...knocking him out cold.
When the turtle woke up....he was staring at a policeman. The policeman said, "Mr. Turtle...can you tell us what happened?"
The turtle says, "I'm not sure...it all happened so fast"
Knock knock. Who's there? Horsp. Horsp-who?....hahahahaha...mainly because I remember my oldest brother being really sick and threw up after being told that joke...he still doesn't think it was funny
A man is driving down the highway and he notices some confused looking penguins wandering around on the side of the road and, being a good Samaritan, decided to pick them up. A few miles down, he was pulled over by a policeman. The policeman walks up to the car and noticed the penguins in the back. He says "Sir, where did you get these penguins from?" The man explains the situation and the officer says "You need to take them to the zoo immediately." He agrees and the officer sets him on his way.
A week later, the same man is driving down the same stretch of road and is pulled over by the same policeman. He says "I thought I told you to take those penguins to the zoo last week! Why do you still have them?"
The man looks at him and says "I did, just like you told me to. And today we're going to the beach!"
RenSWAK ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 06:40:16 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
A man gets pulled over by a cop. When the cop approaches he notices penguins in the back seat of the car. The cops tells the driver that he cannot have penguins in the back seat of his car and orders him to take them to the zoo. The man replies "yes sir."
The next day the cop pulls over the same guy still with the penguins in the back seat of the car but this time the Penguins are all wearing sunglasses. The cop says "sir didn't I tell you to take these penguins to the zoo?" The man replies "yes sir I did. Today we are going to the beach."
(Not sure how g rated this is but it was a joke my brother told in to my parents when he was elementary school aged... I mean like grade 2 age, they have not forgotten and it is funny.)
Him: Okay after every question I ask you must say 'rubber fish and liquor'. What did you have for breakfast?
A noblewoman holds a ball. She dances with a local trader. "Monsieur, you have a stain on your tunic." He goes white with shame and walks off head hanging low.
She dances with a duke. "Your Grace, you have a dip of sauce on your collar." He walks off and shoots himself on the balcony.
She dances with a dashing cavalry captain. "Captain, you have mud on your boots." "That's not mud, ma'am, that's shit. Don't worry, it'll fall off once it dries."
A guy goes into a restaurant/lounge wearing a shirt open at the collar and
is met by a bouncer who tells him he must wear a necktie to gain
admission.
So the guy goes out to his car and he looks around for a necktie and
discovers that he just doesn't have one. He sees a set of jumper cables
in his trunk. In desperation he ties these around his neck, manages to
fashion a fairly acceptable looking knot and lets the ends dangle free.
He goes back to the restaurant and the bouncer carefully looks him over
for a few minutes and then says, "Well, OK, I guess you can come in - just
don't start anything.
โWhat G-Rated Joke Always Cracks You Up?โ
How many psychiatrists and/or philosophers does it take to change a light bulb and/or the human race? Only one. But the light bulb and/or the human race has really got to want to change.
Not sure if you'd quite class it as G-rated but anywho I came up with a joke (which admittedly is very similar to a whole bunch of other jokes and in fact for all I know I did hear/read it somewhere then forgot and thought I came up with it... Anyway);
There have been a string of thefts of urine samples from local hospital. A police spokesman said that they don't currently have any leads but someone is definitely taking the piss.
A panda walks into a bar, sits down and orders a drink. After he finishes eating the sandwich, the panda pulls out a gun and shoots the waiter, and then stands up to go. Everyone is terrified by the bar manager totally understands.
The manager hands a dictionary to a customer. He opens the dictionary and sees the following definition for panda: "A tree-dwelling marsupial of Asian origin, characterised by distinct black and white colouring. Eats shoots and leaves."
The CIA, the MI6 and the KGB have to do a training exercise. They have 1 hour to search through an entire forest, and find a squirrel. The CIA send their top agents, an hour later they come back and say "There's definetely no squirrels here.". The MI6 send James Bond, he comes back an hour later and says the same thing. The KGB go in, 5 minutes later they come back with a bear who rolls over and says "I'M A SQUIRREL".
ikarose ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:56:56 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I Mustache you a question... but I'll Shave it for later....
Tyfud ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:25:25 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
What are you just standing around handing out coffee to strangers at 6 a.m.?
I always have a cup for whoever gets here first.
You got here first.
Yes, but, I don't work here yet.
Then.. Why do you keep coming back?
When I was in the service, my dad.. he sent me this book.. and it was written by the guy who started this company. And every word in the book, I mean.. I wanted to be that guy. And it was written by the guy who started this company. And every word in the book, I mean..
You know, I wrote that book.
I wanted to be.. that guy.
You know I-
-And I thought the best way to learn would be to have a cup for whoever gets here first
You got here first
Yess.. I know that..
You know I used to have a Corolla-
I wanted to be.. That book. My dad-
-wrote that book
You're pictures on the-
-You know I used to have a Corolla
Yess.. I know that..
In '85
Yess.. It's.. in the book
What are you just standing around handing out coffee to strangers at 6 a.m.?
I always bethat guy
You got here first
Yes but, my dad.. he sent me this book-
-You know I used to have a Corolla
...I know that
The Toyota Corolla is just the car to get you from A to B, when A is the EO and B is the CB, when A is an intern.
โHolmes and Watson are on a camping trip. In the middle of the night Holmes wakes up and gives Dr. Watson a nudge. "Watson" he says, "look up in the sky and tell me what you see."
"I see millions of stars, Holmes," says Watson.
"And what do you conclude from that, Watson?"
Watson thinks for a moment. "Well," he says, "astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three. Meterologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. Theologically, I see that God is all-powerful, and we are small and insignficant. What does it tell you, Holmes?"
"Watson, you idiot! Someone has stolen our tent!โ
๐๏ธ Alkomb ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:26:43 on May 24, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
๐๏ธ Alkomb ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 21:11:37 on July 27, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Ha, that's awesome! Thanks!
ProLicks ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 15:11:23 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Oh, and Joke 3, which is all about delivery): There are 2 muffins in the oven. One turns to the other and says, "Hey, is it getting hot in here?" The other muffin screams back "Oh my God! A talking muffin!"
Why did the monkey fall out of the tree? Because it was dead. Why did the second monkey fall out of the tree? Because it was stapled to the first monkey.
If you say so, Papa, but I'd rather teach my kids about death young and with a light touch. It also imparts a good lesson about not playing with staplers, a message we can all learn from.
Yokuo ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:30:25 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
sundog13 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 20:15:27 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
The guys last name is blow. Like the wind blows. The city is breeze which is another term for wind. We are from Illinois so I guess that's where my dad picked it up. He is old so who really knows.
bdesign7 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:11:40 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
A nun finds the newest monk in the neighboring monastery to be quite handsome. One day she decides to be a little naughty, so while passing him on the street, she pinched him on the bottom. Her hand was burned, and she yelled in pain and fear, sure she'd been punished by god for her infraction.
Later, she tearfully confessed to the Mother Superior what she had done, and the older woman laughed. "Silly girl, you were not struck by god. What else did you think would happen if you grabbed a hot friar with your bare hands?"
I oul into the driveway to greet my girlfriend coming back fro the gun store. So my girlfriend asked why I carry a gun around. I replied it is because of those god darn decepticons. I laughed, she laughed, the toaster laughed and I shot the toaster. It was a good time.
A horse, a chicken, and a cat walk into a bar. The horse and the chicken ask the cat Let's dispel once and for all with this fiction that Barack Obama doesn't know what he's doing. He knows EXACTLY what he's doing. Barack Obama is undertaking a systematic effort to change this country, to make America more like the rest of the world.
jellary ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:53:57 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I.
Get it.
Now.
iridisss ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:27:17 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Disclaimer: Might not be G-rated; opener involves some sex and joke contains paid hitmen.
Jonathan is having some relationship troubles with his wife. One day, after coming home from work early, he finds his wife and another man in bed. The man flees but leaves his driver's license, which Jonathan picks up without his wife noticing. Jonathan, being the rather calm individual that he is, lets her off the hook. However, later that night, Jonathan didn't sleep. He spent the night looking for a hitman. After a few hours of searching, he finds someone; Arty, who will kill someone for the mere price of $1.
Later, at a park, Jonathan gives him the details. The rest of the night, Jonathan was searching for details on the mystery man. He finds out that his wife's adultery assistant is actually named Ben, and is the manager of a local Wal-Mart. Arty uses his PI skills to follow Ben for 2 weeks, who he finds out actually sleeps with Jonathan's wife every Saturday in his office, during Jonathan's work hours. So Arty conspires his plan. Arty spends the next few days gathering his necessary tools. Being an assassin for $1 doesn't garner much profit, so Arty has to kill them the old-fashioned way--choking his victims. Arty's kit consists of a box of latex gloves and rope to hold his victims still.
Saturday at noon, Arty sneaks into the janitorial room, and dons an unsuspecting work outfit. He waits for Ben to make the call to the wife, and then quickly goes into the Manager's Office, and ties up Ben. 30 minutes pass, and Jonathan's wife enters the office, where she is also quickly tied up. Arty makes quick work of the 2, and calls it a day. However, once he opens the door, he finds the actual head custodian, who is looking for his work outfit. Arty figures, "Hey, I strangled 2, so might as well take out another and prevent witnesses." At this point, Arty has killed 3 people, 2 of which will be noticed rather quickly due to their somewhat important positions. Arty never was really smart, which is probably why he's a hired hitman for $1.
4 days later, Arty is caught, and the local news covers everything, with the exception of Jonathan, who was never exposed, thanks to Arty's code of honor. However, the next morning, Jonathan opens up his local newspaper. His mouth is instantaneously agape at what he reads.
"Arty Chokes 3 for a Dollar at Local Wal-Mart This Weekend"
Vyktus ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:23:25 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
How to catch an elephant:
Dig a big hole, fill it with ashes, and put peas all around it....when the elephant comes to take a pea, kick him in the ash hole.
J0L0 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:01:12 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
What did zero say to eight?
Ooh, nice belt.
OS2REXX ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:01:24 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Thank you Joe McQ. & Charlie P.
So a duck walks into a grocery store and walks up to the produce man of whom he asks: "do you have any grapes?" The produce man says explains: "no, I'm sorry, grapes are out of season right now, we haven't any and won't for several months." The duck walks off.
The next day, the same duck walks into the same store, walks up to the same produce man and asks: "do you have any grapes?" "No, like I told you yesterday," the produce man explains, "we haven't any and don't expect for a while." The duck walks off.
Next day the same duck walks up to the same produce man and asks: "do you have any grapes?" The produce man is obviously sick of the duck and says: "no, we don't have any grapes and if you come in here again asking, I'm going to nail your feet to the floor!" The duck walks off.
Next day, the same duck walks into the same store and asks the produce man "got any nails?" "Wha? No!" Duck: "GOT ANY GRAPES?"
There once was a man, and everything he owned was pink and white. He had a pink and white car, a pink and white house, and a pink and white cat. His violin was pink and white, as was his piano and his skateboard. EVERYTHING he had in his house, even his clothes, were pink and white. One average night, the pink and white man decided to go to bed at his regular time. He went up the pink and white stairs, down the pink and white hall, and into his pink and white bedroom. He took off his pink and white slippers, put on his pink and white nightcap, climbed into his pink and white bed, pulled up the pink and white covers, and turned off the pink and white light. Then he fell asleep.
An hour later, the doorbell rang: "Pink and white! Pink and white!" So the pink and white man turned on the pink and white light, pushed down the pink and white covers, climbed out of his pink and white bed, took off his pink and white nightcap, put on his pink and white slippers, and left his pink and white bedroom. He went up the pink and white hall, down the pink and white stairs, and opened the pink and white front door. Standing outside was a man.
"My car broke down half a mile down the road, and the tow truck can't come until eight tomorrow morning," the man said. "Can I stay here for the night?"
"Sure," said the pink and white man, "but you have to wear pink and white, and you have to sleep in the first bedroom on the left down that hallway."
"Okay," the man agreed.
So the man came in to spend the night, and the pink and white man closed the pink and white door, went up the pink and white stairs, down the pink and white hall, and into his pink and white bedroom. He took off his pink and white slippers, put on his pink and white nightcap, climbed into his pink and white bed, pulled up the pink and white covers, and turned off the pink and white light. Then he fell asleep.
An hour later, the doorbell rang: "Pink and white! Pink and white!" So the pink and white man turned on the pink and white light, pushed down the pink and white covers, climbed out of his pink and white bed, took off his pink and white nightcap, put on his pink and white slippers, and left his pink and white bedroom. He went up the pink and white hall, down the pink and white stairs, and opened the pink and white front door. Standing outside was a woman.
"My truck broke down a mile down the road, and the tow truck can't get here until nine tomorrow morning. Can I spend the night here?" she asked.
"Sure," said the pink and white man, "but you have to wear pink and white, and you have to sleep in the second bedroom on the left down that hallway."
"Okay," the woman agreed.
So the woman came in to spend the night, and the pink and white man closed the pink and white door, went up the pink and white stairs, down the pink and white hall, and into his pink and white bedroom. He took off his pink and white slippers, put on his pink and white nightcap, climbed into his pink and white bed, pulled up the pink and white covers, and turned off the pink and white light. Then he fell asleep.
An hour later, the doorbell rang: "Pink and white! Pink and white!" So the pink and white man turned on the pink and white light, pushed down the pink and white covers, climbed out of his pink and white bed, took off his pink and white nightcap, put on his pink and white slippers, and left his pink and white bedroom. He went up the pink and white hall, down the pink and white stairs, and opened the pink and white front door. Standing outside was another man.
"My car broke down a mile and a half down the road," he said, "and the tow truck can't get here until ten tomorrow morning. Can I stay here for the night?"
"Sure," said the pink and white man, "but you have to wear pink and white, and you have to sleep in the third bedroom on the left down that hallway."
"Okay," the man agreed.
So the man came in to spend the night, and the pink and white man closed the pinks and white door, LOCKED the pink and white door, went up the pink and white stairs, down the pink and white hall, and into his pink and white bedroom. He took off his pink and white slippers, put on his pink and white nightcap, climbed into his pink and white bed, pulled up the pink and white covers, and turned off the pink and white light. Then he fell asleep.
The next morning, he woke up and realized he had guests. Being the kind host he was, the pink and white man decided to get their breakfasts for them. So he pushed down the pink and white covers, climbed out of his pink and white bed, took off his pink and white nightcap, put on his pink and white slippers, and left his pink and white bedroom. He went up the pink and white hall, down the pink and white stairs, and yelled down the other pink and white hall, "Breakfast in five minutes!" He went into the pink and white kitchen, opened the pink and white cupboards, and took out pink and white bowls and pink and white spoons.
The first man came into the kitchen. A minute later, the second man came into the kitchen. A few minutes after that, the woman came into the kitchen, and they all sat down on the pink and white chairs at the pink and white table. "I have Rice Krispies and Cornflakes," the pink and white man said. "What do you want?"
"I'll have Rice Krispies," the first man answered.
"I'll have Rice Krispies too," said the woman.
"I'll have Corn Flakes," replied the other man.
And the moral of the story is.........
2 out of 3 people prefer Rice Krispies to Corn Flakes!
JCWCOPG ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 03:11:08 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
two muffins are sitting in an oven. one muffin looks to the other and says,"Man, is it ever hot in here" the other one looks over and says,"HOLY COW! A TALKING MUFFIN!"
thudly ยท -8 points ยท Posted at 20:02:45 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
So this 18-year-old blonde and her boyfriend were gonna try anal for the first time. The guy says, "Wait. I don't have any lube." And the blonde says...
knock, knock
who's there
banana
banana who
knock knock
who' there
banana
banana who
knock knock
who's there
orange
orange who
orange you glad i didn't say banana
Unit88 ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 17:13:12 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
So, thereโs a man crawling through the desert.
Heโd decided to try his SUV in a little bit of cross-country travel, had great fun zooming over the badlands and through the sand, got lost, hit a big rock, and then he couldnโt get it started again. There were no cell phone towers anywhere near, so his cell phone was useless. He had no family, his parents had died a few years before in an auto accident, and his few friends had no idea he was out here.
He stayed with the car for a day or so, but his one bottle of water ran out and he was getting thirsty. He thought maybe he knew the direction back, now that heโd paid attention to the sun and thought heโd figured out which way was north, so he decided to start walking. He figured he only had to go about 30 miles or so and heโd be back to the small town heโd gotten gas in last.
He thinks about walking at night to avoid the heat and sun, but based upon how dark it actually was the night before, and given that he has no flashlight, heโs afraid that heโll break a leg or step on a rattlesnake. So, he puts on some sun block, puts the rest in his pocket for reapplication later, brings an umbrella heโd had in the back of the SUV with him to give him a little shade, pours the windshield wiper fluid into his water bottle in case he gets that desperate, brings his pocket knife in case he finds a cactus that looks like it might have water in it, and heads out in the direction he thinks is right.
He walks for the entire day. By the end of the day heโs really thirsty. Heโs been sweating all day, and his lips are starting to crack. Heโs reapplied the sunblock twice, and tried to stay under the umbrella, but he still feels sunburned. The windshield wiper fluid sloshing in the bottle in his pocket
is really getting tempting now. He knows that itโs mainly water and some ethanol and coloring, but he also knows that they add some kind of poison to it to keep people from drinking it. He wonders what the poison is, and whether the poison would be worse than dying of thirst.
He pushes on, trying to get to that small town before dark.
By the end of the day he starts getting worried. He figures heโs been walking at least 3 miles an hour, according to his watch for over 10 hours. That means that if his estimate was right that he should be close to the town. But he doesnโt recognize any of this. He had to cross a dry creek bed a mile or two back, and he doesnโt remember coming through it in the SUV. He figures that maybe he got his direction off just a little and that the dry creek bed was just off to one side of his path. He tells himself that heโs close, and that after dark heโll start seeing the town lights over one of these hills, and thatโll be all he needs.
As it gets dim enough that he starts stumbling over small rocks and things, he finds a spot and sits down to wait for full dark and the town lights.
Full dark comes before he knows it. He must have dozed off. He stands back up and turns all the way around. He sees nothing but stars.
He wakes up the next morning feeling absolutely lousy. His eyes are gummy and his mouth and nose feel like theyโre full of sand. He so thirsty that he canโt even swallow. He barely got any sleep because it was so cold. Heโd forgotten how cold it got at night in the desert and hadnโt noticed it the night before because heโd been in his car.
He knows the Rule of Threes โ three minutes without air, three days without water, three weeks without food โ then you die. Some people can make it a little longer, in the best situations. But the desert heat and having to walk and sweat isnโt the best situation to be without water. He figures, unless he finds water, this is his last day.
He rinses his mouth out with a little of the windshield wiper fluid. He waits a while after spitting that little bit out, to see if his mouth goes numb, or he feels dizzy or something. Has his mouth gone numb? Is it just in his mind? Heโs not sure. Heโll go a little farther, and if he still doesnโt find water, heโll try drinking some of the fluid.
Then he has to face his next, harder question โ which way does he go from here? Does he keep walking the same way he was yesterday (assuming that he still knows which way that is), or does he try a new direction? He has no idea what to do.
Looking at the hills and dunes around him, he thinks he knows the direction he was heading before. Just going by a feeling, he points himself somewhat to the left of that, and starts walking.
As he walks, the day starts heating up. The desert, too cold just a couple of hours before, soon becomes an oven again. He sweats a little at first, and then stops. He starts getting worried at that โ when you stop sweating he knows that means youโre in trouble โ usually right before heat stroke.
He decides that itโs time to try the windshield wiper fluid. He canโt wait any longer โ if he passes out, heโs dead. He stops in the shade of a large rock, takes the bottle out, opens it, and takes a mouthful. He slowly swallows it, making it last as long as he can. It feels so good in his dry and cracked throat that he doesnโt even care about the nasty taste. He takes another mouthful, and makes it last too. Slowly, he drinks half the bottle.
He figures that since heโs drinking it, he might as well drink enough to make some difference and keep himself from passing out.
Heโs quit worrying about the denaturing of the wiper fluid. If it kills him, it kills him โ if he didnโt drink it, heโd die anyway. Besides, heโs pretty sure that whatever substance they denature the fluid with is just designed to make you sick โ their way of keeping winos from buying cheap wiper fluid for the ethanol content. He can handle throwing up, if it comes to that.
He walks. He walks in the hot, dry, windless desert. Sand, rocks, hills, dunes, the occasional scrawny cactus or dried bush. No sign of water. Sometimes heโll see a little movement to one side or the other, but whatever moved is usually gone before he can focus his eyes on it. Probably birds, lizards, or mice. Maybe snakes, though they usually move more at night. Heโs careful to stay away from the movements.
After a while, he begins to stagger. Heโs not sure if itโs fatigue, heat stroke finally catching him, or maybe he was wrong and the denaturing of the wiper fluid was worse than he thought. He tries to steady himself, and keep going.
After more walking, he comes to a large stretch of sand. This is good! He knows he passed over a stretch of sand in the SUV โ he remembers doing donuts in it. Or at least he thinks he remembers it โ heโs getting woozy enough and tired enough that heโs not sure what he remembers any more or if heโs hallucinating. But he thinks he remembers it. So he heads off into it, trying to get to the other side, hoping that it gets him closer to the town.
He was heading for a town, wasnโt he? He thinks he was. He isnโt sure any more. Heโs not even sure how long heโs been walking any more. Is it still morning? Or has it moved into afternoon and the sun is going down again? It must be afternoon โ it seems like itโs been too long since he started out.
He walks through the sand.
After a while, he comes to a big dune in the sand. This is bad. He doesnโt remember any dunes when driving over the sand in his SUV. Or at least he doesnโt think he remembers any. This is bad.
But, he has no other direction to go. Too late to turn back now. He figures that heโll get to the top of the dune and see if he can see anything from there that helps him find the town. He keeps going up the dune.
Halfway up, he slips in the bad footing of the sand for the second or third time, and falls to his knees. He doesnโt feel like getting back up โ heโll just fall down again. So, he keeps going up the dune on his hand and knees.
While crawling, if his throat werenโt so dry, heโd laugh. Heโs finally gotten to the hackneyed image of a man lost in the desert โ crawling through the sand on his hands and knees. If would be the perfect image, he imagines, if only his clothes were more ragged. The people crawling through the desert in the cartoons always had ragged clothes. But his have lasted without any rips so far. Somebody will probably find his dessicated corpse half buried in the sand years from now, and his clothes will still be in fine shape -shake the sand out, and a good wash, and theyโd be wearable again. He wishes his throat were wet enough to laugh. He coughs a little instead, and it hurts.
He finally makes it to the top of the sand dune. Now that heโs at the top, he struggles a little, but manages to stand up and look around. All he sees is sand. Sand, and more sand. Behind him, about a mile away, he thinks he sees the rocky ground he left to head into this sand. Ahead of him, more dunes, more sand. This isnโt where he drove his SUV. This is Hell. Or close enough.
Again, he doesnโt know what to do. He decides to drink the rest of the wiper fluid while figuring it out. He takes out the bottle, and is removing the cap, when he glances to the side and sees something. Something in the sand. At the bottom of the dune, off to the side, he sees something strange. Itโs a flat area, in the sand. He stops taking the cap of the bottle off, and tries to look closer. The area seems to be circular. And itโs dark โ darker than the sand. And, there seems to be something in the middle of it, but he canโt tell what it is. He looks as hard as he can, and still can tell from here. Heโs going to have to go down there and look.
He puts the bottle back in his pocket, and starts to stumble down the dune. After a few steps, he realizes that heโs in trouble โ heโs not going to be able to keep his balance. After a couple of more sliding, tottering steps, he falls and starts to roll down the dune. The sand it so hot when his body hits it that for a minute he thinks heโs caught fire on the way down โ like a movie car wreck flashing into flames as it goes over the cliff, before it ever even hits the ground. He closes his eyes and mouth, covers his face with his hands, and waits to stop rolling.
He stops, at the bottom of the dune. After a minute or two, he finds enough energy to try to sit up and get the sand out of his face and clothes. When he clears his eyes enough, he looks around to make sure that the dark spot in the sand it still there and he hadnโt just imagined it.
So, seeing the large, flat, dark spot on the sand is still there, he begins to crawl towards it. Heโd get up and walk towards it, but he doesnโt seem to have the energy to get up and walk right now. He must be in the final stages of dehydration he figures, as he crawls. If this place in the sand doesnโt have water, heโll likely never make it anywhere else. This is his last chance.
He gets closer and closer, but still canโt see whatโs in the middle of the dark area. His eyes wonโt quite focus any more for some reason. And lifting his head up to look takes so much effort that he gives up trying. He just keeps crawling.
Finally, he reaches the area heโd seen from the dune. It takes him a minute of crawling on it before he realizes that heโs no longer on sand โ heโs now crawling on some kind of dark stone. Stone with some kind of marking on it -a pattern cut into the stone. Heโs too tired to stand up and try to see what the pattern is โ so he just keeps crawling. He crawls towards the center, where his blurry eyes still see something in the middle of the dark stone area.
His mind, detached in a strange way, notes that either his hands and knees are so burnt by the sand that they no longer feel pain, or that this dark stone, in the middle of a burning desert with a pounding, punishing sun overhead, doesnโt seem to be hot. It almost feels cool. He considers lying down on the nice cool surface.
Cool, dark stone. Not a good sign. He must be hallucinating this. Heโs probably in the middle of a patch of sand, already lying face down and dying, and just imagining this whole thing. A desert mirage. Soon the beautiful women carrying pitchers of water will come up and start giving him a drink. Then heโll know heโs gone.
He decides against laying down on the cool stone. If heโs going to die here in the middle of this hallucination, he at least wants to see whatโs in the center before he goes. He keeps crawling.
Itโs the third time that he hears the voice before he realizes what heโs hearing. He would swear that someone just said, โGreetings, traveler. You do not look well. Do you hear me?โ
He stops crawling. He tries to look up from where he is on his hands and knees, but itโs too much effort to lift his head. So he tries something different โ he leans back and tries to sit up on the stone. After a few seconds, he catches his balance, avoids falling on his face, sits up, and tries to focus his eyes. Blurry. He rubs his eyes with the back of his hands and tries again. Better this time.
Yep. He can see. Heโs sitting in the middle of a large, flat, dark expanse of stone. Directly next to him, about three feet away, is a white post or pole about two inches in diameter and sticking up about four or five feet out of the stone, at an angle.
And wrapped around this white rod, tail with rattle on it hovering and seeming to be ready to start rattling, is what must be a fifteen foot long desert diamondback rattlesnake, looking directly at him.
He stares at the snake in shock. He doesnโt have the energy to get up and run away. He doesnโt even have the energy to crawl away. This is it, his final resting place. No matter what happens, heโs not going to be able to move from this spot.
Well, at least dying of a bite from this monster should be quicker than dying of thirst. Heโll face his end like a man. He struggles to sit up a little straighter. The snake keeps watching him. He lifts one hand and waves it in the snakeโs direction, feebly. The snake watches the hand for a moment, then goes back to watching the man, looking into his eyes.
Hmmm. Maybe the snake had no interest in biting him? It hadnโt rattled yet -that was a good sign. Maybe he wasnโt going to die of snake bite after all.
He then remembers that heโd looked up when heโd reached the center here because he thought heโd heard a voice. He was still very woozy โ he was likely to pass out soon, the sun still beat down on him even though he was now on cool stone. He still didnโt have anything to drink. But maybe he had actually heard a voice. This stone didnโt look natural. Nor did that white post sticking up out of the stone. Someone had to have built this. Maybe they were still nearby. Maybe that was who talked to him. Maybe this snake was even their pet, and thatโs why it wasnโt biting.
He tries to clear his throat to say, โHello,โ but his throat is too dry. All that comes out is a coughing or wheezing sound. There is no way heโs going to be able to talk without something to drink. He feels his pocket, and the bottle with the wiper fluid is still there. He shakily pulls the bottle out, almost losing his balance and falling on his back in the process. This isnโt good. He doesnโt have much time left, by his reckoning, before he passes out.
He gets the lid off of the bottle, manages to get the bottle to his lips, and pours some of the fluid into his mouth. He sloshes it around, and then swallows it. He coughs a little. His throat feels better. Maybe he can talk now.
He tries again. Ignoring the snake, he turns to look around him, hoping to spot the owner of this place, and croaks out, โHello? Is there anyone here?โ
He hears, from his side, โGreetings. What is it that you want?โ
He turns his head, back towards the snake. Thatโs where the sound had seemed to come from. The only thing he can think of is that there must be a speaker, hidden under the snake, or maybe built into that post. He decides to try asking for help.
โPlease,โ he croaks again, suddenly feeling dizzy, โIโd love to not be thirsty any more. Iโve been a long time without water. Can you help me?โ
Looking in the direction of the snake, hoping to see where the voice was coming from this time, he is shocked to see the snake rear back, open its mouth, and speak. He hears it say, as the dizziness overtakes him and he falls forward, face first on the stone, โVery well. Coming up.โ
A piercing pain shoots through his shoulder. Suddenly he is awake. He sits up and grabs his shoulder, wincing at the throbbing pain. Heโs momentarily disoriented as he looks around, and then he remembers โ the crawl across the sand, the dark area of stone, the snake. He sees the snake, still wrapped around the tilted white post, still looking at him.
He reaches up and feels his shoulder, where it hurts. It feels slightly wet. He pulls his fingers away and looks at them โ blood. He feels his shoulder again โ his shirt has what feels like two holes in it โ two puncture holes -they match up with the two aching spots of pain on his shoulder. He had been bitten. By the snake.
โItโll feel better in a minute.โ He looks up โ itโs the snake talking. He hadnโt dreamed it. Suddenly he notices โ heโs not dizzy any more. And more importantly, heโs not thirsty any more โ at all!
โHave I died? Is this the afterlife? Why are you biting me in the afterlife?โ
โSorry about that, but I had to bite you,โ says the snake. โThatโs the way I work. It all comes through the bite. Think of it as natural medicine.โ
โYou bit me to help me? Why arenโt I thirsty any more? Did you give me a drink before you bit me? How did I drink enough while unconscious to not be thirsty any more? I havenโt had a drink for over two days. Well, except for the windshield wiper fluidโฆ hold it, how in the world does a snake talk? Are you real? Are you some sort of Disney animation?โ
โNo,โ says the snake, โIโm real. As real as you or anyone is, anyway. I didnโt give you a drink. I bit you. Thatโs how it works โ itโs what I do. I bite. I donโt have hands to give you a drink, even if I had water just sitting around here.โ
The man sat stunned for a minute. Here he was, sitting in the middle of the desert on some strange stone that should be hot but wasnโt, talking to a snake that could talk back and had just bitten him. And he felt better. Not great โ he was still starving and exhausted, but much better โ he was no longer thirsty. He had started to sweat again, but only slightly. He felt hot, in this sun, but it was starting to get lower in the sky, and the cool stone beneath him was a relief he could notice now that he was no longer dying of thirst.
โI might suggest that we take care of that methanol you now have in your system with the next request,โ continued the snake. โI can guess why you drank it, but Iโm not sure how much you drank, or how much methanol was left in the wiper fluid. That stuff is nasty. Itโll make you go blind in a day or two, if you drank enough of it.โ
โUmmm, n-next request?โ said the man. He put his hand back on his hurting shoulder and backed away from the snake a little.
โThatโs the way it works. If you like, that is,โ explained the snake. โYou get three requests. Call them wishes, if you wish.โ The snake grinned at his own joke, and the man drew back a little further from the show of fangs.
โBut there are rules,โ the snake continued. โThe first request is free. The second requires an agreement of secrecy. The third requires the binding of responsibility.โ The snake looks at the man seriously.
โBy the way,โ the snake says suddenly, โmy name is Nathan. Old Nathan, Samuel used to call me. He gave me the name. Before that, most of the Bound used to just call me โSnakeโ. But that got old, and Samuel wouldnโt stand for it. He said that anything that could talk needed a name. He was big into names. You can call me Nate, if you wish.โ Again, the snake grinned. โSorry if I donโt offer to shake, but I think you can understand โ my shake sounds somewhat threatening.โ The snake give his rattle a little shake.
โUmm, my name is Jack,โ said the man, trying to absorb all of this. โJack Samson."
โCan I ask you a question?โ Jack says suddenly. โWhat happened to the poisonโฆumm, in your bite. Why arenโt I dying now? How did you do that? What do you mean by thatโs how you work?โ
โThatโs more than one question,โ grins Nate. โBut Iโll still try to answer all of them. First, yes, you can ask me a question.โ The snakeโs grin gets wider. โSecond, the poison is in you. It changed you. You now no longer need to drink. Thatโs what you asked for. Or, well, technically, you asked to not be thirsty any more โ but โany moreโ is such a vague term. I decided to make it permanent โ now, as long as you live, you shouldnโt need to drink much at all. Your body will conserve water very efficiently. You should be able to get enough just from the food you eat โ much like a creature of the desert. Youโve been changed.
โFor the third question,โ Nate continues, โyou are still dying. Besides the effects of that methanol in your system, youโre a man โ and men are mortal. In your current state, I give you no more than about another 50 years. Assuming you get out of this desert, alive, that is.โ Nate seemed vastly amused at his own humor, and continued his wide grin.
โAs for the fourth question,โ Nate said, looking more serious as far as Jack could tell, as Jack was just now working on his ability to read talking-snake emotions from snake facial features, โfirst you have to agree to make a second request and become bound by the secrecy, or I canโt tell you.โ
โWait,โ joked Jack, โisnโt this where you say you could tell me, but youโd have to kill me?โ
โI thought that was implied.โ Nate continued to look serious.
โUmmmโฆyeah.โ Jack leaned back a little as he remembered again that he was talking to a fifteen foot poisonous reptile with a reputation for having a nasty temper. โSo, what is this โBound by Secrecyโ stuff, and can you really stop the effects of the methanol?โ Jack thought for a second. โAnd, what do you mean methanol, anyway? I thought these days they use ethanol in wiper fluid, and just denature it?โ
โThey may, I donโt really know,โ said Nate. โI havenโt gotten out in a while. Maybe they do. All I know is that I smell methanol on your breath and on that bottle in your pocket. And the blue color of the liquid when you pulled it out to drink some let me guess that it was wiper fluid. I assume that they still color wiper fluid blue?โ
โYeah, they do,โ said Jack.
โI figured,โ replied Nate. โAs for being bound by secrecy โ with the fulfillment of your next request, you will be bound to say nothing about me, this place, or any of the information I will tell you after that, when you decide to go back out to your kind. You wonโt be allowed to talk about me, write about me, use sign language, charades, or even act in a way that will lead someone to guess correctly about me. Youโll be bound to secrecy. Of course, Iโll also ask you to promise not to give me away, and as Iโm guessing that youโre a man of your word, youโll never test the binding anyway, so you wonโt notice.โ Nate said the last part with utter confidence.
Jack, who had always prided himself on being a man of his word, felt a little nervous at this. โUmmm, hey, Nate, who are you? How did you know that? Are you, umm, omniscient, or something?โ
Well, Jack,โ said Nate sadly, โI canโt tell you that, unless you make the second request.โ Nate looked away for a minute, then looked back.
โUmm, well, ok,โ said Jack, โwhat is this about a second request? What can I ask for? Are you allowed to tell me that?โ
โSure!โ said Nate, brightening. โYouโre allowed to ask for changes. Changes to yourself. Theyโre like wishes, but they can only affect you. Oh, and before you ask, I canโt give you immortality. Or omniscience. Or omnipresence, for that matter. Though I might be able to make you gaseous and yet remain alive, and then you could spread through the atmosphere and sort of be omnipresent. But what good would that be โ you still wouldnโt be omniscient and thus still could only focus on one thing at a time. Not very useful, at least in my opinion.โ Nate stopped when he realized that Jack was staring at him.
โWell, anyway,โ continued Nate, โIโd probably suggest giving you permanent good health. It would negate the methanol now in your system, youโd be immune to most poisons and diseases, and youโd tend to live a very long time, barring accident, of course. And youโll even have a tendency to recover from accidents well. It always seemed like a good choice for a request to me.โ
โCure the methanol poisoning, huh?โ said Jack. โAnd keep me healthy for a long time? Hmmm. It doesnโt sound bad at that. And it has to be a request about a change to me? I canโt ask to be rich, right? Because thatโs not really a change to me?โ
โRight,โ nodded Nate.
โCould I ask to be a genius and permanently healthy?โ Jack asked, hopefully.
โThat takes two requests, Jack.โ
โYeah, I figured so,โ said Jack. โBut I could ask to be a genius? I could become the smartest scientist in the world? Or the best athlete?โ
โWell, I could make you very smart,โ admitted Nate, โbut that wouldnโt necessarily make you the best scientist in the world. Or, I could make you very athletic, but it wouldnโt necessarily make you the best athlete either. Youโve heard the saying that 99% of genius is hard work? Well, thereโs some truth to that. I can give you the talent, but I canโt make you work hard. It all depends on what you decide to do with it.โ
โHmmm,โ said Jack. โOk, I think I understand. And I get a third request, after this one?โ
โMaybe,โ said Nate, โit depends on what you decide then. There are more rules for the third request that I can only tell you about after the second request. You know how it goes.โ Nate looked like heโd shrug, if he had shoulders.
โOk, well, since Iโd rather not be blind in a day or two, and permanent health doesnโt sound bad, then consider that my second request. Officially. Do I need to sign in blood or something?โ
โNo,โ said Nate. โJust hold out your hand. Or heel.โ Nate grinned. โOr whatever part you want me to bite. I have to bite you again. Like I said, thatโs how it works โ the poison, you know,โ Nate said apologetically.
Jack winced a little and felt his shoulder, where the last bite was. Hey, it didnโt hurt any more. Just like Nate had said. That made Jack feel better about the biting business. But still, standing still while a fifteen foot snake sunk itโs fangs into you. Jack stood up. Ignoring how good it felt to be able to stand again, and the hunger starting to gnaw at his stomach, Jack tried to decide where he wanted to get bitten. Despite knowing that it wouldnโt hurt for long, Jack knew that this wasnโt going to be easy.
โHey, Jack,โ Nate suddenly said, looking past Jack towards the dunes behind him, โis that someone else coming up over there?โ
Jack spun around and looked. Who else could be out here in the middle of nowhere? And did they bring food?
Wait a minute, there was nobody over there. What was Nateโฆ
Jack let out a bellow as he felt two fangs sink into his rear end, through his jeansโฆ
Jack sat down carefully, favoring his more tender buttock. โI would have decided, eventually, Nate. I was just thinking about it. You didnโt have to hoodwink me like that.โ
โIโve been doing this a long time, Jack,โ said Nate, confidently. โYou humans have a hard time sitting still and letting a snake bite you โ especially one my size. And besides, admit it โ itโs only been a couple of minutes and it already doesnโt hurt any more, does it? Thatโs because of the health benefit with this one. I told you that youโd heal quickly now.โ
โYeah, well, still,โ said Jack, โitโs the principle of the thing. And nobody likes being bitten in the butt! Couldnโt you have gotten my calf or something instead?โ
โMore meat in the typical human butt,โ replied Nate. โAnd less chance you accidentally kick me or move at the last second.โ
โYeah, right. So, tell me all of these wonderful secrets that I now qualify to hear,โ answered Jack.
โOk,โ said Nate. โDo you want to ask questions first, or do you want me to just start talking?โ
โJust talk,โ said Jack. โIโll sit here and try to not think about food.โ
โWe could go try to rustle up some food for you first, if you like,โ answered Nate.
โHey! You didnโt tell me you had food around here, Nate!โ Jack jumped up. โWhat do we have? Am I in walking distance to town? Or can you magically whip up food along with your other powers?โ Jack was almost shouting with excitement. His stomach had been growling for hours.
โI was thinking more like I could flush something out of its hole and bite it for you, and you could skin it and eat it. Assuming you have a knife, that is,โ replied Nate, with the grin that Jack was starting to get used to.
โUgh,โ said Jack, sitting back down. โI think Iโll pass. I can last a little longer before I get desperate enough to eat desert rat, or whatever else it is you find out here. And thereโs nothing to burn โ Iโd have to eat it raw. No thanks. Just talk.โ
โOk,โ replied Nate, still grinning. โBut Iโd better hurry, before you start looking at me as food.
Nate reared back a little, looked around for a second, and then continued. โYou, Jack, are sitting in the middle of the Garden of Eden.โ
Jack looked around at the sand and dunes and then looked back at Nate sceptically.
โWell, thatโs the best I can figure it, anyway, Jack,โ said Nate. โStand up and look at the symbol on the rock here.โ Nate gestured around the dark stone they were both sitting on with his nose.
Jack stood up and looked. Carved into the stone in a bas-relief was a representation of a large tree. The angled-pole that Nate was wrapped around was coming out of the trunk of the tree, right below where the main branches left the truck to reach out across the stone. It was very well done โ it looked more like a tree had been reduced to almost two dimensions and embedded in the stone than it did like a carving.
Jack walked around and looked at the details in the fading light of the setting sun. He wished heโd looked at it while the sun was higher in the sky.
Wait! The sun was setting! That meant he was going to have to spend another night out here! Arrrgh!
Jack looked out across the desert for a little bit, and then came back and stood next to Nate. โIn all the excitement, I almost forgot, Nate,โ said Jack. โWhich way is it back to town? And how far? Iโm eventually going to have to head back โ Iโm not sure Iโll be able to survive by eating raw desert critters for long. And even if I can, Iโm not sure Iโll want to.โ
โItโs about 30 miles that way.โ Nate pointed, with the rattle on his tail this time. As far as Jack could tell, it was a direction at right angles to the way heโd been going when he was crawling here. โBut thatโs 30 miles by the way the crow flies. Itโs about 40 by the way a man walks. You should be able to do it in about half a day with your improved endurance, if you head out early tomorrow, Jack.โ
Jack looked out the way the snake had pointed for a few seconds more, and then sat back down. It was getting dark. Not much he could do about heading out right now. And besides, Nate was just about to get to the interesting stuff. โGarden of Eden? As best as you can figure it?โ
โWell, yeah, as best as I and Samuel could figure it anyway,โ said Nate. โHe figured that the story just got a little mixed up. You know, snake, in a โtreeโ, offering โtemptationsโ, making bargains. That kind stuff. But he could never quite figure out how the Hebrews found out about this spot from across the ocean. He worried about that for a while.โ
โGarden of Eden, hunh?โ said Jack. โHow long have you been here, Nate?โ
โNo idea, really,โ replied Nate. โA long time. It never occurred to me to count years, until recently, and by then, of course, it was too late. But I do remember when this whole place was green, so I figure itโs been thousands of years, at least.โ
โSo, are you the snake that tempted Eve?โ said Jack.
โBeats me,โ said Nate. โMaybe. I canโt remember if the first one of your kind that I talked to was female or not, and I never got a name, but it could have been. And I suppose she could have considered my offer to grant requests a โtemptationโ, though Iโve rarely had refusals.โ
โWell, umm, how did you get here then? And why is that white pole stuck out of the stone there?โ asked Jack.
โDad left me here. Or, I assume it was my dad. It was another snake โ much bigger than I was back then. I remember talking to him, but I donโt remember if it was in a language, or just kind of understanding what he wanted. But one day, he brought me to this stone, told me about it, and asked me to do something for him. I talked it over with him for a while, then agreed. Iโve been here ever since.
โWhat is this place?โ said Jack. โAnd what did he ask you to do?โ
โWell, you see this pole here, sticking out of the stone?โ Nate loosened his coils around the tilted white pole and showed Jack where it descended into the stone. The pole was tilted at about a 45 degree angle and seemed to enter the stone in an eighteen inch slot cut into the stone. Jack leaned over and looked. The slot was dark and the pole went down into it as far as Jack could see in the dim light. Jack reached out to touch the pole, but Nate was suddenly there in the way.
โYou canโt touch that yet, Jack,โ said Nate.
โWhy not?โ asked Jack.
โI havenโt explained it to you yet,โ replied Nate.
โWell, it kinda looks like a lever or something,โ said Jack. โYouโd push it that way, and it would move in the slot.โ
โYep, thatโs what it is,โ replied Nate.
โWhat does it do?โ asked Jack. โEnd the world.โ
โOh, no,โ said Nate. โNothing that drastic. It just ends humanity. I call it โThe Lever of Doomโ.โ For the last few words Nate had used a deeper, ringing voice. He tried to look serious for a few seconds, and then gave up and grinned.
Jack was initially startled by Nateโs pronouncement, but when Nate grinned Jack laughed. โHa! You almost had me fooled for a second there. What does it really do?โ
โOh, it really ends humanity, like I said,โ smirked Nate. โI just thought the voice I used was funny, didnโt you?โ
Nate continued to grin.
โA lever to end humanity?โ asked Jack. โWhat in the world is that for? Why would anyone need to end humanity?โ
โWell,โ replied Nate, โI get the idea that maybe humanity was an experiment. Or maybe the Big Guy just thought, that if humanity started going really bad, there should be a way to end it. Iโm not really sure. All I know are the rules, and the guesses that Samuel and I had about why itโs here. I didnโt think to ask back when I started here.โ
โRules? What rules?โ asked Jack.
โThe rules are that I canโt tell anybody about it or let them touch it unless they agree to be bound to secrecy by a bite. And that only one human can be bound in that way at a time. Thatโs it.โ explained Nate.
Jack looked somewhat shocked. โYou mean that I could pull the lever now? Youโd let me end humanity?โ
โYep,โ replied Nate, โif you want to.โ Nate looked at Jack carefully. โDo you want to, Jack?โ
โUmm, no.โ said Jack, stepping a little further back from the lever. โWhy in the world would anyone want to end humanity? Itโd take a psychotic to want that! Or worse, a suicidal psychotic, because it would kill him too, wouldnโt it?โ
โYep,โ replied Nate, โbeing as heโd be human too.โ
โHas anyone ever seriously considered it?โ asked Nate. โAny of those bound to secrecy, that is?โ
โWell, of course, I think theyโve all seriously considered it at one time or another. Being given that kind of responsibility makes you sit down and think, or so Iโm told. Samuel considered it several times. Heโd often get disgusted with humanity, come out here, and just hold the lever for a while. But he never pulled it. Or you wouldnโt be here.โ Nate grinned some more.
Jack sat down, well back from the lever. He looked thoughtful and puzzled at the same time. After a bit, he said, โSo this makes me the Judge of humanity? I get to decide whether they keep going or just end? Me?โ
โThat seems to be it,โ agreed Nate.
โWhat kind of criteria do I use to decide?โ said Jack. โHow do I make this decision? Am I supposed to decide if theyโre good? Or too many of them are bad? Or that theyโre going the wrong way? Is there a set of rules for that?โ
โNope,โ replied Nate. โYou pretty much just have to decide on your own. Itโs up to you, however you want to decide it. I guess that youโre just supposed to know.โ
โBut what if I get mad at someone? Or some girl dumps me and I feel horrible? Couldnโt I make a mistake? How do I know that I wonโt screw up?โ protested Jack.
Nate gave his kind of snake-like shrug again. โYou donโt. You just have to try your best, Jack.โ
Jack sat there for a while, staring off into the desert that was rapidly getting dark, chewing on a fingernail.
Suddenly, Jack turned around and looked at the snake. โNate, was Samuel the one bound to this before me?โ
โYep,โ replied Nate. โHe was a good guy. Talked to me a lot. Taught me to read and brought me books. I think I still have a good pile of them buried in the sand around here somewhere. I still miss him. He died a few months ago.โ
โSounds like a good guy,โ agreed Jack. โHow did he handle this, when you first told him. What did he do?โ
โWell,โ said Nate, โhe sat down for a while, thought about it for a bit, and then asked me some questions, much like youโre doing.โ
โWhat did he ask you, if youโre allowed to tell me?โ asked Jack.
โHe asked me about the third request,โ replied Nate.
โAha!โ It was Jackโs turn to grin. โAnd what did you tell him?โ
โI told him the rules for the third request. That to get the third request you have to agree to this whole thing. That if it ever comes to the point that you really think that humanity should be ended, that youโll come here and end it. You wonโt avoid it, and you wonโt wimp out.โ Nate looked serious again. โAnd youโll be bound to do it too, Jack.โ
โHmmm.โ Jack looked back out into the darkness for a while.
Nate watched him, waiting.
โNate,โ continued Jack, quietly, eventually. โWhat did Samuel ask for with his third request?โ
Nate sounded like he was grinning again as he replied, also quietly, โWisdom, Jack. He asked for wisdom. As much as I could give him.โ
โOk,โ said Jack, suddenly, standing up and facing away from Nate, โgive it to me."
Nate looked at Jackโs backside. โGive you what, Jack?โ
โGive me that wisdom. The same stuff that Samuel asked for. If it helped him, maybe itโll help me too.โ Jack turned his head to look back over his shoulder at Nate. โIt did help him, right?โ
โHe said it did,โ replied Nate. โBut he seemed a little quieter afterward. Like he had a lot to think about.โ
โWell, yeah, I can see that,โ said Jack. โSo, give it to me.โ Jack turned toface away from Nate again, bent over slightly and tensed up.
Nate watched Jack tense up with a little exasperation. If he bit Jack now, Jack would likely jump out of his skin and maybe hurt them both.
โYou remember that youโll be bound to destroy humanity if it ever looks like it needs it, right Jack?โ asked Nate, shifting position.
โYeah, yeah, I got that,โ replied Jack, eyes squeezed tightly shut and body tense, not noticing the change in direction of Nateโs voice.
โAnd,โ continued Nate, from his new position, โdo you remember that youโll turn bright purple, and grow big horns and extra eyes?โ
โYeah, yeahโฆHey, wait a minute!โ said Jack, opening his eyes, straightening up and turning around. โPurple?!โ He didnโt see Nate there. With the moonlight Jack could see that the lever extended up from its slot in the rock without the snake wrapped around it.
Jack heard, from behind him, Nateโs โJust Kidding!โ right before he felt the now familiar piercing pain, this time in the other buttock.
Jack sat on the edge of the dark stone in the rapidly cooling air, his feet extending out into the sand. He stared out into the darkness, listening to the wind stir the sand, occasionally rubbing his butt where heโd been recently bitten.
Nate had left for a little while, had come back with a desert-rodent-shaped bulge somewhere in his middle, and was now wrapped back around the lever, his tongue flicking out into the desert nightโs air the only sign that he was still awake.
Occasionally Jack, with his toes absentmindedly digging in the sand while he thought, would ask Nate a question without turning around.
โNate, do accidents count?โ
Nate lifted his head a little bit. โWhat do you mean, Jack?โ
Jack tilted his head back like he was looking at the stars. โYou know, accidents. If I accidentally fall on the lever, without meaning to, does that still wipe out humanity?โ
โYeah, Iโm pretty sure it does, Jack. Iโd suggest you be careful about that if you start feeling wobbly,โ said Nate with some amusement.
A little later โ โDoes it have to be me that pulls the lever?โ asked Jack.
โThatโs the rule, Jack. Nobody else can pull it,โ answered Nate.
โNo,โ Jack shook his head, โI meant does it have to be my hand? Could I pull the lever with a rope tied around it? Or push it with a stick? Or throw a rock?โ
โYes, those should work,โ replied Nate. โThough Iโm not sure how complicated you could get. Samuel thought about trying to build some kind of remote control for it once, but gave it up. Everything heโd build would be gone by the next sunrise, if it was touching the stone, or over it. I told him that in the past others that had been bound had tried to bury the lever so they wouldnโt be tempted to pull it, but every time the stones or sand or whatever had disappeared.โ
โWow,โ said Jack, โCool.โ Jack leaned back until only his elbows kept him off of the stone and looked up into the sky.
โNate, how long did Samuel live? One of his wishes was for health too, right?โ asked Jack.
โYes,โ replied Nate, โit was. He lived 167 years, Jack.โ
โWow, 167 years. Thatโs almost 140 more years Iโll live if I live as long. Do you know what he died of, Nate?โ
โHe died of getting tired of living, Jack,โ Nate said, sounding somewhat sad.
Jack turned his head to look at Nate in the starlight.
Nate looked back. โSamuel knew he wasnโt going to be able to stay in society. He figured that theyโd eventually see him still alive and start questioning it, so he decided that heโd have to disappear after a while. He faked his death once, but changed his mind โ he decided it was too early and he could stay for a little longer. He wasnโt very fond of mankind, but he liked the attention. Most of the time, anyway.
โHis daughter and then his wife dying almost did him in though. He didnโt stay in society much longer after that. He eventually came out here to spend time talking to me and thinking about pulling the lever. A few months ago he told me heโd had enough. It was his time.โ
โAnd then he just died?โ asked Jack.
Nate shook his head a little. โHe made his forth request, Jack. Thereโs only one thing you can ask for the fourth request. The last bite.
After a bit Nate continued, โHe told me that he was tired, that it was his time. He reassured me that someone new would show up soon, like they always had.
After another pause, Nate finished, โSamuelโs body disappeared off the stone with the sunrise.โ
Jack lay back down and looked at the sky, leaving Nate alone with his memories. It was a long time until Jackโs breathing evened out into sleep.
Jack woke with the sunrise the next morning. He was a little chilled with the morning desert air, but overall was feeling pretty good. Well, except that his stomach was grumbling and he wasnโt willing to eat raw desert rat.
So, after getting directions to town from Nate, making sure he knew how to get back, and reassuring Nate that heโd be back soon, Jack started the long walk back to town. With his new health and Nateโs good directions, he made it back easily.
Jack caught a bus back to the city, and showed up for work the next day, little worse for the wear and with a story about getting lost in the desert and walking back out. Within a couple of days Jack had talked a friend with a tow truck into going back out into the desert with him to fetch the SUV. They found it after a couple of hours of searching and towed it back without incident. Jack was careful not to even look in the direction of Nateโs lever, though their path back didnโt come within sight of it.
Before the next weekend, Jack had gone to a couple of stores, including a book store, and had gotten his SUV back from the mechanic, with a warning to avoid any more joyriding in the desert. On Saturday, Jack headed back to see Nate.
Jack parked a little way out of the small town near Nate, loaded up his new backpack with camping gear and the things he was bringing for Nate, and then started walking. He figured that walking would leave the least trail, and he knew that while not many people camped in the desert, it wasnโt unheard of, and shouldnโt really raise suspicions.
Jack had brought more books for Nate โ recent books, magazines, newspapers. Some things that would catch Nate up with what was happening in the world, others that were just good books to read. He spent the weekend with Nate, and then headed out again, telling Nate that heโd be back again soon, but that he had things to do first.
Over four months later Jack was back to see Nate again. This time he brought a laptop with him โ a specially modified laptop. It had a solar recharger, special filters and seals to keep out the sand, a satellite link-up, and a special keyboard and joystick that Jack hoped that a fifteen-foot rattlesnake would be able to use. And, it had been hacked to not give out its location to the satellite.
After that Jack could e-mail Nate to keep in touch, but still visited him fairly regularly โ at least once or twice a year.
After the first year, Jack quit his job. For some reason, with the wisdom he โd been given, and the knowledge that he could live for over 150 years, working in a nine to five job for someone else didnโt seem that worthwhile any more. Jack went back to school.
Eventually, Jack started writing. Perhaps because of the wisdom, or perhaps because of his new perspective, he wrote well. People liked what he wrote, and he became well known for it. After a time, Jack bought an RV and started traveling around the country for book signings and readings.
But, he still remembered to drop by and visit Nate occasionally.
On one of the visits Nate seemed quieter than usual. Not that Nate had been a fountain of joy lately. Jackโs best guess was that Nate was still missing Samuel, and though Jack had tried, he still hadnโt been able to replace Samuel in Nateโs eyes. Nate had been getting quieter each visit. But on this visit Nate didnโt even speak when Jack walked up to the lever. He nodded at Jack, and then went back to staring into the desert. Jack, respecting Nateโs silence, sat down and waited.
After a few minutes, Nate spoke. โJack, I have someone to introduce you to.โ
Jack looked surprised. โSomeone to introduce me to?โ Jack looked around, and then looked carefully back at Nate. โThis something to do with the Big Guy?"
โNo, no,โ replied Nate. โThis is more personal. I want you to meet my son.โ Nate looked over at the nearest sand dune. โSammy!โ
Jack watched as a four foot long desert rattlesnake crawled from behind the dune and up to the stone base of the lever.
โYo, Jack,โ said the new, much smaller snake.
โYo, Sammyโ replied Jack. Jack looked at Nate. โNamed after Samuel, I assume?โ
Nate nodded. โJack, Iโve got a favor to ask you. Could you show Sammy around for me?โ Nate unwrapped himself from the lever and slithered over to the edge of the stone and looked across the sands. โWhen Samuel first told me about the world, and brought me books and pictures, I wished that I could go see it. I wanted to see the great forests, the canyons, the cities, even the other deserts, to see if they felt and smelled the same. I want my son to have that chance โ to see the world. Before he becomes bound here like I have been.
โHeโs seen it in pictures, over the computer that you brought me. But I hear that itโs not the same. That being there is different. I want him to have that. Think you can do that for me, Jack?โ
Jack nodded. This was obviously very important to Nate, so Jack didnโt even joke about taking a talking rattlesnake out to see the world. โYeah, I can do that for you, Nate. Is that all you need?โ Jack could sense that was something more.
Nate looked at Sammy. Sammy looked back at Nate for a second and then said, โOh, yeah. Ummm, Iโve gotta go pack. Back in a little bit Jack. Nice to meet ya!โ Sammy slithered back over the dune and out of sight.
Nate watched Sammy disappear and then looked back at Jack. โJack, this is my first son. My first offspring through all the years. You donโt even want to know what it took for me to find a mate.โ Nate grinned to himself. โBut anyway, I had a son for a reason. Iโm tired. Iโm ready for it to be over. I needed a replacement.โ
Jack considered this for a minute. โSo, youโre ready to come see the world, and you wanted him to watch the lever while you were gone?โ
Nate shook his head. โNo, Jack โ youโre a better guesser than that. Youโve already figured out โ Iโm bound here โ thereโs only one way for me to leave here. And Iโm ready. Itโs my time to die.โ
Jack looked more closely at Nate. He could tell Nate had thought about this โ probably for quite a while. Jack had trouble imagining what it would be like to be as old as Nate, but Jack could already tell that in another hundred or two hundred years, he might be getting tired of life himself. Jack could understand Samuelโs decision, and now Nateโs. So, all Jack said was, โWhat do you want me to do?โ
Nate nodded. โThanks, Jack. I only want two things. One โ show Sammy around the world โ let him get his fill of it, until heโs ready to come back here and take over. Two โ give me the fourth request.
โI canโt just decide to die, not any more than you can. I wonโt even die of old age like you eventually will, even though itโll be a long time from now. I need to be killed. Once Sammy is back here, ready to take over, Iโll be able to die. And I need you to kill me.
โIโve even thought about how. Poisons and other drugs wonโt work on me. And Iโve seen pictures of snakes that were shot โ some of them live for days, so thatโs out too. So, I want you to bring back a sword.
Nate turned away to look back to the dune that Sammy had gone behind. โIโd say an axe, but thatโs somewhat undignified โ putting my head on the ground or a chopping block like that. No, I like a sword. A time-honored way of going out. A dignified way to die. And, most importantly, it should work, even on me.
โYou willing to do that for me, Jack?โ Nate turned back to look at Jack.
โYeah, Nate,โ replied Jack solemnly, โI think I can handle that.โ
Nate nodded. โGood!โ He turned back toward the dune and shouted, โSammy! Jackโs about ready to leave!โ Then quietly, โThanks, Jack.โ
Jack didnโt have anything to say to that, so he waited for Sammy to make it back to the lever, nodded to him, nodded a final time to Nate, and then headed into the desert with Sammy following. Over the next several years Sammy and Jack kept in touch with Nate through e-mail as they went about their adventures. They made a goal of visiting every country in the world, and did a respectable job of it. Sammy had a natural gift for languages, as Jack expected he would, and even ended up acting as a translator for Jack in a few of the countries. Jack managed to keep the talking rattlesnake hidden, even so, and by the time they were nearing the end of their tour of countries, Sammy had only been spotted a few times. While there were several people that had seen enough to startle them greatly, nobody had enough evidence to prove anything, and while a few wild rumors and storied followed Jack and Sammy around, nothing ever hit the newspapers or the public in general.
When they finished the tour of countries, Jack suggested that they try some undersea diving. They did. And spelunking. They did that too. Sammy finally drew the line at visiting Antarctica. Heโd come to realize that Jack was stalling. After talking to his Dad about it over e-mail, he figured out that Jack probably didnโt want to have to kill Nate. Nate told Sammy that humans could be squeamish about killing friends and acquaintances.
So, Sammy eventually put his tail down (as he didnโt have a foot) and told Jack that it was time โ he was ready to go back and take up his duties from his dad. Jack, delayed it a little more by insisting that they go back to Japan and buy an appropriate sword. He even stretched it a little more by getting lessons in how to use the sword. But, eventually, heโd learned as much as he was likely to without dedicating his life to it, and was definitely competent enough to take the head off of a snake. It was time to head back and see Nate.
When they got back to the US, Jack got the old RV out of storage where he and Sammy had left it after their tour of the fifty states, he loaded up Sammy and the sword, and they headed for the desert.
When they got to the small town that Jack had been trying to find those years ago when heโd met Nate, Jack was in a funk. He didnโt really feel like walking all of the way out there. Not only that, but heโd forgotten to figure the travel time correctly, and it was late afternoon. Theyโd either have to spend the night in town and walk out tomorrow, or walk in the dark.
As Jack was afraid that if he waited one more night he might lose his resolve, he decided that heโd go ahead and drive the RV out there. It was only going to be this once, and Jack would go back and cover the tracks afterward. They ought to be able to make it out there by nightfall if they drove, and then they could get it over tonight.
Jack told Sammy to e-mail Nate that they were coming as he drove out of sight of the town on the road. They then pulled off the road and headed out into the desert.
Everything went well, until they got to the sand dunes. Jack had been nursing the RV along the whole time, over the rocks, through the creek beds, revving the engine the few times they almost got stuck. When they came to the dunes, Jack didnโt really think about it, he just downshifted and headed up the first one. By the third dune, Jack started to regret that heโd decided to try driving on the sand. The RV was fishtailling and losing traction. Jack was having to work it up each dune slowly and was trying to keep from losing control each time they came over the top and slid down the other side. Sammy had come up to sit in the passenger seat, coiled up and laughing at Jackโs driving.
As they came over the top of the fourth dune, the biggest one yet, Jack saw that this was the final dune โ the stone, the lever, and somewhere Nate, waited below. Jack put on the brakes, but heโd gone a little too far. The RV started slipping down the other side.
Jack tried turning the wheel, but he didnโt have enough traction. He pumped the brakes โ no response. They started sliding down the hill, faster and faster.
Jack felt a shock go through him as he suddenly realized that they were heading for the lever. He looked down โ the RV was directly on course for it. If Jack didnโt do something, the RV would hit it. He was about to end humanity.
Jack steered more frantically, trying to get traction. It still wasnโt working. The dune was too steep, and the sand too loose. In a split second, Jack realized that his only chance would be once he hit the stone around the lever โ he should have traction on the stone for just a second before he hit the lever โ he wouldnโt have time to stop, but he should be able to steer away.
Jack took a better grip on the steering wheel and tried to turn the RV a little bit โ every little bit would help. Heโd have to time his turn just right.
The RV got to the bottom of the dune, sliding at an amazing speed in the sand. Just before they reached the stone Jack looked across it to check that they were still heading for the lever. They were. But Jack noticed something else that he hadnโt seen from the top of the dune. Nate wasnโt wrapped around the lever. He was off to the side of the lever, but still on the stone, waiting for them. The problem was, he was waiting on the same side of the lever that Jack had picked to steer towards to avoid the lever. The RV was already starting to drift that way a little in its mad rush across the sand and there was no way that Jack was going to be able to go around the lever to the other side.
Jack had an instant of realization. He was either going to have to hit the lever, or run over Nate. He glanced over at Sammy and saw that Sammy realized the same thing.
Jack took a firmer grip on the steering wheel as the RV ran up on the stone. Shouting to Sammy as he pulled the steering wheel, โBETTER NATE THAN LEVER,โ he ran over the snake.
2 sausages are sizzling in a frying pan.
The first sausage goes: "Man.. Is IT hot in here."
The second sausage looks over to the first and goes: "Oh my god a talking sausage."
Not my joke, but this gets a good laugh every time one of my friend group retells it (This is a maybe on the G-rating factor, as long as mentions of death without any description are acceptable.) I present...The Sauerkraut Joke:
A conductor of a train named Tom was driving his train one day when he became distracted by a gorgeous new train attendant. As a result, Tom crashed the train at the station, resulting in hundreds of lives lost.
Tom then went to court, he was sentenced to death by the electric chair.
The big day comes, and Tom is approached in his cell. The warden asks him what his last meal is going to be. "A big plate of Saurkraut" replies Tom. The warden scratches his head, but grants Tom his request. Tom devours the plate of sauerkraut ravenously, rubs his stomach, then agrees to go with the Warden.
Tom is strapped into the chair, the Warden throws the switch, and...nothing happens. He flips the switch a few times, but nothing happens. Tom is sent back to his cell to wait for another day while the warden has the chair repaired.
The next day, the warden comes into Tom's cell again. "What do you want for your last meal?" "A whole barrel of sauerkraut!" replies Tom. The warden scratches his head, but grants Tom's request. Tom devours the whole barrel, then follows the warden to the chair.
The warden throws the switch...but nothing happens. He checks the wires and the chair, but can't find anything wrong. Tom is sent back to his cell while the warden tries to fix the chair.
On the next day, the warden comes into Tom's cell again. "What do you want for your last meal?" "Two whole barrels of sauerkraut!" replies Tom. The warden scratches his head, but grants Tom's request. Tom devours the two barrels, then follows the warden to the chair.
Again, the warden throws the switch, and nothing happens. The chair repairman is in the room with the warden when this happens, but can find nothing wrong.
"Why isn't this work? He was supposed to be executed 2 days ago!" shouts the warden. "Well." replies the repairman, "I guess he's not a very good conductor."
Once upon a time, in the purple kingdom of Purpalon, there lived a purple king. One purple day this purple King, who was purply named Purple Purple the fifth, called his purple son, the purple prince Purple Purple the sixth, over to his purple side.
"My purple son," the purple king said to purple prince Purple Purple the sixth, "in another purple kingdom a very short purple distance away there lives another purple king. This purple king has a purple princess that I think that you should marry. Here she is, the purple Princess Purplina Purple of Purplonia."
Purple prince Purple Purple the sixth, upon seeing the purple princess Purplina Purple of Purplonia, agreed to marry her. And so, one fine purple day, in the purple garden, Prince Purple Purple the sixth and stood by the purple altar and watched his purple bride-to-be, the purple princess Purplina Purple of Purplonia, march down the purple aisle wearing a purple wedding dress and carrying a bouquet of purple flowers. Just as the purple princess Purplina Purple of Purplonia reached the purple altar, however, an evil purple magician appeared and cast a purple spell on the purple princess. In a purply moment, the purple princess Purplina Purple of Purplonia had vanished.
"What have you done?" cried the purple prince Purple Purple the sixth.
"I have sent the purple princess Purplina Purple of Purplonia to a purple cave in the purple mountain Mount Purpletop. There, in her purple cave, she is guarded by the purple dragon Purplefang. The purple princess Purplina Purple of Purplonia is purply safe there, but the purple dragon Purplefang, will not let her rejoin the purple kingdoms of Purpalon and Purplonia."
"You are purply insane," the purple prince Purple Purple the sixth said to the Purple magician, but the purple magician had vanished.
"What are you going to do, my purple son?" the purple king Purple Purple the fifth of Purpalon asked his son, the purple prince Purple Purple the sixth.
"I am going to take my purple horse, Purple Lightning, and my purple sword, Purple Death, and go slay the purple dragon Purplefang and rescue the fair purple maiden the purple princess Purplina Purple of Purplonia."
"May the purple God speed you well on your purple journey," the purple king Purple Purple the fifth of Purpalon purply blessed his purple son, the purple prince Purple Purple the sixth. With that, the purple prince Purple Purple the sixth got his purple sword, Purple Death, and his purple horse, Purple Lightning, and rode off to the purple mountain of Mount Purpletop and the purple cave thereon, in which lived the purple dragon Purplefang and his purple prisoner the purple princess Purplina Purple of Purplonia.
The purple hero of this purple story, the purple prince Purple Purple the sixth of Purpalon, rode his purple horse Purple Lightning over many purple miles over many purple roads and through many purple fields. He crossed many purple streams and many purple mountains, though none of them were the purple mountain of Mount Purpletop and the purple cave thereon, in which lived the purple dragon Purplefang and his purple prisoner the purple princess Purplina Purple of Purplonia. When the purple prince Purple Purple the sixth crossed these purple mountains, he trudged his way through purple snow. Purple sand lined the purple deserts he crossed, and there was purple water in the purple oasises.
Eventually, the purple horse Purple Lightning got tired, so the purple prince Purple Purple the sixth carried his purple horse Purple Lightning over many purple miles over many purple roads and through many purple fields. He crossed many purple streams and many purple mountains, though none of them were the purple mountain of Mount Purpletop and the purple cave thereon, in which lived the purple dragon Purplefang and his purple prisoner the purple princess Purplina Purple of Purplonia. When the purple prince Purple Purple the sixth crossed these purple mountains, he trudged his way through purple snow. Purple sand lined the purple deserts he crossed, and there was purple water in the purple oasises.
Finally, the Purple prince Purple Purple the sixth reached the purple mountain Mount Purpletop. There, in a purple cave on top of the purple mountain, Prince Purple Purple the sixth of Purpalon could see the purple smoke from the purple dragon Purplefang who lived in the purple cave in which the purple princess Purplina Purple of Purplonia was a purple prisoner. Our purple hero, the purple prince Purple Purple the sixth of Purpalon, climbed the purple mountain Mount Purpletop and slew the purple dragon Purplefang as the purple beast slept purply. The purple prince Purple Purple the sixth of Purpalon rescued the purple princess Purplina Purple of Purplonia. But their purple adventures were not yet come to their purple close. They still had to get home purple and sound.
So...
The purple hero of this purple story, the purple prince Purple Purple the sixth of Purpalon, and the newly rescued purple heroine, the purple princess Purplina Purple of Purplonia, rode the purple horse Purple Lightning over many purple miles over many purple roads and through many purple fields. He crossed many purple streams and many purple mountains, though none of them were the same purple mountain of Mount Purpletop which in the purple cave thereon the purple prince Purple Purple the sixth slew the purple dragon Purplefang and rescued the purple prisoner the purple princess Purplina Purple of Purplonia. When the purple prince Purple Purple the sixth crossed these purple mountains, he trudged his way through purple snow. Purple sand lined the purple deserts he crossed, and there was purple water in the purple oasises.
Eventually, the purple horse Purple Lightning got tired, so the purple prince Purple Purple the sixth carried his purple horse Purple Lightning and the newly rescued purple heroine, the purple princess Purplina Purple of Purplonia, over many purple miles over many purple roads and through many purple fields. He crossed many purple streams and many purple mountains, though none of them were the same purple mountain of Mount Purpletop which in the purple cave thereon the purple prince Purple Purple the sixth slew the purple dragon Purplefang and rescued the purple prisoner the purple princess Purplina Purple of Purplonia. When the purple prince Purple Purple the sixth crossed these purple mountains, he trudged his way through purple snow. Purple sand lined the purple deserts he crossed, and there was purple water in the purple oasises.
Eventually, The purple hero of this purple story, the purple prince Purple Purple the sixth of Purpalon, got tired, so the newly rescued purple heroine, the purple princess Purplina Purple of Purplonia, carried the purple horse Purple Lightning and the purple prince Purple Purple the sixth of Purpalon over many purple miles over many purple roads and through many purple fields. She crossed many purple streams and many purple mountains, though none of them were the same purple mountain of Mount Purpletop which in the purple cave thereon the purple prince Purple Purple the sixth slew the purple dragon Purplefang and rescued the purple prisoner the purple princess Purplina Purple of Purplonia. When the purple prince Purple Purple the sixth crossed these purple mountains, he trudged his way through purple snow. Purple sand lined the purple deserts he crossed, and there was purple water in the purple oasises.
Purple alases and purple alaks, though, for it seems our purple heroes, the purple prince Purple Purple the sixth of Purpalon and the purple princess Purplina Purple of Purplonia got lost on their way home, for they wandered into the purple kingdom of an evil purple king, the evil purple king Purple Purponovov of Purplovia. This evil purple man had the purple heroes,the purple prince Purple Purple the sixth of Purpalon and the purple princess Purplina Purple of Purplonia, arrested and thrown into the purple dungeon. Just before the evil purple king Purple Purponovov of Purplovia threw them in, however, he said....
A boy is sitting at the edge of a dock crying. Seeing the boy is in distress, a man walks over to him, and asks what's wrong. The boy says "My sandwich fell into the lake!" The man says, "Well, if you're crying, it must have been a good sandwich. What did it have? Mustard?" The boy says no. "Pickles and lettuce?" The boy says no again, crying harder. Finally, the man gives up and says "Well, what DID the sandwich have?" The boy responds with "my brother"
Edit: in case you didn't get it, the brother fell into the water while eating the sandwhich
overtoke ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 01:00:35 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
[deleted] ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 01:53:30 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
what looks like blu tac, smells like blu tac, and tastes like blu tac but isn't blu tac?
smurf poo
otac0n ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 02:13:12 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
So, there's a man crawling through the desert.
He'd decided to try his SUV in a little bit of cross-country travel, had great fun zooming over the badlands and through the sand, got lost, hit a big rock, and then he couldn't get it started again. There were no cell phone towers anywhere near, so his cell phone was useless. He had no family, his parents had died a few years before in an auto accident, and his few friends had no idea he was out here.
He stayed with the car for a day or so, but his one bottle of water ran out
and he was getting thirsty. He thought maybe he knew the direction back, now that he'd paid attention to the sun and thought he'd figured out which way was north, so he decided to start walking. He figured he only had to go about 30 miles or so and he'd be back to the small town he'd gotten gas in last.
He thinks about walking at night to avoid the heat and sun, but based upon
how dark it actually was the night before, and given that he has no flashlight, he's afraid that he'll break a leg or step on a rattlesnake. So,
he puts on some sun block, puts the rest in his pocket for reapplication
later, brings an umbrella he'd had in the back of the SUV with him to give
him a little shade, pours the windshield wiper fluid into his water bottle
in case he gets that desperate, brings his pocket knife in case he finds a cactus that looks like it might have water in it, and heads out in the
direction he thinks is right.
He walks for the entire day. By the end of the day he's really thirsty. He's
been sweating all day, and his lips are starting to crack. He's reapplied the sunblock twice, and tried to stay under the umbrella, but he still feels sunburned. The windshield wiper fluid sloshing in the bottle in his pocket is really getting tempting now. He knows that it's mainly water and some ethanol and coloring, but he also knows that they add some kind of poison to it to keep people from drinking it. He wonders what the poison is, and
whether the poison would be worse than dying of thirst.
He pushes on, trying to get to that small town before dark.
By the end of the day he starts getting worried. He figures he's been walking at least 3 miles an hour, according to his watch for over 10 hours. That means that if his estimate was right that he should be close to the
town. But he doesn't recognize any of this. He had to cross a dry creek bed a mile or two back, and he doesn't remember coming through it in the SUV. He figures that maybe he got his direction off just a little and that the dry creek bed was just off to one side of his path. He tells himself that he's close, and that after dark he'll start seeing the town lights over one of these hills, and that'll be all he needs.
As it gets dim enough that he starts stumbling over small rocks and things,
he finds a spot and sits down to wait for full dark and the town lights.
Full dark comes before he knows it. He must have dozed off. He stands back
up and turns all the way around. He sees nothing but stars.
He wakes up the next morning feeling absolutely lousy. His eyes are gummy and his mouth and nose feel like they're full of sand. He so thirsty that he can't even swallow. He barely got any sleep because it was so cold. He'd forgotten how cold it got at night in the desert and hadn't noticed it the night before because he'd been in his car.
He knows the Rule of Threes - three minutes without air, three days without water, three weeks without food - then you die. Some people can make it a little longer, in the best situations. But the desert heat and having to walk and sweat isn't the best situation to be without water. He figures, unless he finds water, this is his last day.
He rinses his mouth out with a little of the windshield wiper fluid. He waits a while after spitting that little bit out, to see if his mouth goes numb, or he feels dizzy or something. Has his mouth gone numb? Is it just in
his mind? He's not sure. He'll go a little farther, and if he still doesn't
find water, he'll try drinking some of the fluid.
Then he has to face his next, harder question - which way does he go from here? Does he keep walking the same way he was yesterday (assuming that he still knows which way that is), or does he try a new direction? He has no idea what to do.
Looking at the hills and dunes around him, he thinks he knows the direction he was heading before. Just going by a feeling, he points himself somewhat to the left of that, and starts walking.
As he walks, the day starts heating up. The desert, too cold just a couple of hours before, soon becomes an oven again. He sweats a little at first, and then stops. He starts getting worried at that - when you stop sweating he knows that means you're in trouble - usually right before heat stroke.
He decides that it's time to try the windshield wiper fluid. He can't wait
any longer - if he passes out, he's dead. He stops in the shade of a large
rock, takes the bottle out, opens it, and takes a mouthful. He slowly
swallows it, making it last as long as he can. It feels so good in his dry
and cracked throat that he doesn't even care about the nasty taste. He takes
another mouthful, and makes it last too. Slowly, he drinks half the bottle.
He figures that since he's drinking it, he might as well drink enough to
make some difference and keep himself from passing out.
He's quit worrying about the denaturing of the wiper fluid. If it kills him,
it kills him - if he didn't drink it, he'd die anyway. Besides, he's pretty
sure that whatever substance they denature the fluid with is just designed to make you sick - their way of keeping winos from buying cheap wiper fluid for the ethanol content. He can handle throwing up, if it comes to that.
He walks. He walks in the hot, dry, windless desert. Sand, rocks, hills,
dunes, the occasional scrawny cactus or dried bush. No sign of water.
Sometimes he'll see a little movement to one side or the other, but whatever moved is usually gone before he can focus his eyes on it. Probably birds, lizards, or mice. Maybe snakes, though they usually move more at night. He's careful to stay away from the movements.
After a while, he begins to stagger. He's not sure if it's fatigue, heat
stroke finally catching him, or maybe he was wrong and the denaturing of the wiper fluid was worse than he thought. He tries to steady himself, and keep going.
After more walking, he comes to a large stretch of sand. This is good! He
knows he passed over a stretch of sand in the SUV - he remembers doing
donuts in it. Or at least he thinks he remembers it - he's getting woozy
enough and tired enough that he's not sure what he remembers any more or if
he's hallucinating. But he thinks he remembers it. So he heads off into it,
trying to get to the other side, hoping that it gets him closer to the town.
He was heading for a town, wasn't he? He thinks he was. He isn't sure any more. He's not even sure how long he's been walking any more. Is it still morning? Or has it moved into afternoon and the sun is going down again? It must be afternoon - it seems like it's been too long since he started out.
(continued...)
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:27:35 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
What the fuck is this shit?
otac0n ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 02:13:49 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
He walks through the sand.
After a while, he comes to a big dune in the sand. This is bad. He doesn't
remember any dunes when driving over the sand in his SUV. Or at least he
doesn't think he remembers any. This is bad.
But, he has no other direction to go. Too late to turn back now. He figures
that he'll get to the top of the dune and see if he can see anything from
there that helps him find the town. He keeps going up the dune.
Halfway up, he slips in the bad footing of the sand for the second or third
time, and falls to his knees. He doesn't feel like getting back up - he'll
just fall down again. So, he keeps going up the dune on his hand and knees.
While crawling, if his throat weren't so dry, he'd laugh. He's finally
gotten to the hackneyed image of a man lost in the desert - crawling through
the sand on his hands and knees. If would be the perfect image, he imagines, if only his clothes were more ragged. The people crawling through the desert
in the cartoons always had ragged clothes. But his have lasted without any
rips so far. Somebody will probably find his dessicated corpse half buried in the sand years from now, and his clothes will still be in fine shape -
shake the sand out, and a good wash, and they'd be wearable again. He wishes his throat were wet enough to laugh. He coughs a little instead, and it hurts.
He finally makes it to the top of the sand dune. Now that he's at the top,
he struggles a little, but manages to stand up and look around. All he sees
is sand. Sand, and more sand. Behind him, about a mile away, he thinks he
sees the rocky ground he left to head into this sand. Ahead of him, more
dunes, more sand. This isn't where he drove his SUV. This is Hell. Or close enough.
Again, he doesn't know what to do. He decides to drink the rest of the wiper
fluid while figuring it out. He takes out the bottle, and is removing the
cap, when he glances to the side and sees something. Something in the sand. At the bottom of the dune, off to the side, he sees something strange. It's a flat area, in the sand. He stops taking the cap of the bottle off, and tries to look closer. The area seems to be circular. And it's dark - darker than the sand. And, there seems to be something in the middle of it, but he can't tell what it is. He looks as hard as he can, and still can tell from
here. He's going to have to go down there and look.
He puts the bottle back in his pocket, and starts to stumble down the dune.
After a few steps, he realizes that he's in trouble - he's not going to be able to keep his balance. After a couple of more sliding, tottering steps, he falls and starts to roll down the dune. The sand it so hot when his body hits it that for a minute he thinks he's caught fire on the way down - like a movie car wreck flashing into flames as it goes over the cliff, before it ever even hits the ground. He closes his eyes and mouth, covers his face with his hands, and waits to stop rolling.
He stops, at the bottom of the dune. After a minute or two, he finds enough
energy to try to sit up and get the sand out of his face and clothes. When
he clears his eyes enough, he looks around to make sure that the dark spot
in the sand it still there and he hadn't just imagined it.
So, seeing the large, flat, dark spot on the sand is still there, he begins
to crawl towards it. He'd get up and walk towards it, but he doesn't seem to
have the energy to get up and walk right now. He must be in the final stages
of dehydration he figures, as he crawls. If this place in the sand doesn't
have water, he'll likely never make it anywhere else. This is his last
chance.
He gets closer and closer, but still can't see what's in the middle of the
dark area. His eyes won't quite focus any more for some reason. And lifting
his head up to look takes so much effort that he gives up trying. He just
keeps crawling.
Finally, he reaches the area he'd seen from the dune. It takes him a minute of crawling on it before he realizes that he's no longer on sand - he's now crawling on some kind of dark stone. Stone with some kind of marking on it - a pattern cut into the stone. He's too tired to stand up and try to see what the pattern is - so he just keeps crawling. He crawls towards the center,
where his blurry eyes still see something in the middle of the dark stone
area.
His mind, detached in a strange way, notes that either his hands and knees are so burnt by the sand that they no longer feel pain, or that this dark
stone, in the middle of a burning desert with a pounding, punishing sun
overhead, doesn't seem to be hot. It almost feels cool. He considers lying
down on the nice cool surface.
Cool, dark stone. Not a good sign. He must be hallucinating this. He's
probably in the middle of a patch of sand, already lying face down and
dying, and just imagining this whole thing. A desert mirage. Soon the
beautiful women carrying pitchers of water will come up and start giving him
a drink. Then he'll know he's gone.
He decides against laying down on the cool stone. If he's going to die here
in the middle of this hallucination, he at least wants to see what's in the
center before he goes. He keeps crawling.
It's the third time that he hears the voice before he realizes what he's
hearing. He would swear that someone just said, "Greetings, traveler. You do
not look well. Do you hear me?"
He stops crawling. He tries to look up from where he is on his hands and
knees, but it's too much effort to lift his head. So he tries something
different - he leans back and tries to sit up on the stone. After a few
seconds, he catches his balance, avoids falling on his face, sits up, and
tries to focus his eyes. Blurry. He rubs his eyes with the back of his hands
and tries again. Better this time.
Yep. He can see. He's sitting in the middle of a large, flat, dark expanse
of stone. Directly next to him, about three feet away, is a white post or
pole about two inches in diameter and sticking up about four or five feet
out of the stone, at an angle.
And wrapped around this white rod, tail with rattle on it hovering and
seeming to be ready to start rattling, is what must be a fifteen foot long
desert diamondback rattlesnake, looking directly at him.
He stares at the snake in shock. He doesn't have the energy to get up and
run away. He doesn't even have the energy to crawl away. This is it, his
final resting place. No matter what happens, he's not going to be able to
move from this spot.
Well, at least dying of a bite from this monster should be quicker than
dying of thirst. He'll face his end like a man. He struggles to sit up a
little straighter. The snake keeps watching him. He lifts one hand and waves
it in the snake's direction, feebly. The snake watches the hand for a
moment, then goes back to watching the man, looking into his eyes.
Hmmm. Maybe the snake had no interest in biting him? It hadn't rattled yet -
that was a good sign. Maybe he wasn't going to die of snake bite after all.
He then remembers that he'd looked up when he'd reached the center here
because he thought he'd heard a voice. He was still very woozy - he was
likely to pass out soon, the sun still beat down on him even though he was
now on cool stone. He still didn't have anything to drink. But maybe he had
actually heard a voice. This stone didn't look natural. Nor did that white
post sticking up out of the stone. Someone had to have built this. Maybe
they were still nearby. Maybe that was who talked to him. Maybe this snake
was even their pet, and that's why it wasn't biting.
He tries to clear his throat to say, "Hello," but his throat is too dry. All
that comes out is a coughing or wheezing sound. There is no way he's going
to be able to talk without something to drink. He feels his pocket, and the
bottle with the wiper fluid is still there. He shakily pulls the bottle out,
almost losing his balance and falling on his back in the process. This isn't
good. He doesn't have much time left, by his reckoning, before he passes
out.
He gets the lid off of the bottle, manages to get the bottle to his lips,
and pours some of the fluid into his mouth. He sloshes it around, and then
swallows it. He coughs a little. His throat feels better. Maybe he can talk
now.
He tries again. Ignoring the snake, he turns to look around him, hoping to
spot the owner of this place, and croaks out, "Hello? Is there anyone here?"
(continued...)
otac0n ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 02:15:04 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
He hears, from his side, "Greetings. What is it that you want?"
He turns his head, back towards the snake. That's where the sound had seemed
to come from. The only thing he can think of is that there must be a
speaker, hidden under the snake, or maybe built into that post. He decides
to try asking for help.
"Please," he croaks again, suddenly feeling dizzy, "I'd love to not be
thirsty any more. I've been a long time without water. Can you help me?"
Looking in the direction of the snake, hoping to see where the voice was
coming from this time, he is shocked to see the snake rear back, open its
mouth, and speak. He hears it say, as the dizziness overtakes him and he
falls forward, face first on the stone, "Very well. Coming up."
A piercing pain shoots through his shoulder. Suddenly he is awake. He sits
up and grabs his shoulder, wincing at the throbbing pain. He's momentarily
disoriented as he looks around, and then he remembers - the crawl across the
sand, the dark area of stone, the snake. He sees the snake, still wrapped
around the tilted white post, still looking at him.
He reaches up and feels his shoulder, where it hurts. It feels slightly wet.
He pulls his fingers away and looks at them - blood. He feels his shoulder
again - his shirt has what feels like two holes in it - two puncture holes -
they match up with the two aching spots of pain on his shoulder. He had been
bitten. By the snake.
"It'll feel better in a minute." He looks up - it's the snake talking. He
hadn't dreamed it. Suddenly he notices - he's not dizzy any more. And more
importantly, he's not thirsty any more - at all!
"Have I died? Is this the afterlife? Why are you biting me in the
afterlife?"
"Sorry about that, but I had to bite you," says the snake. "That's the way I
work. It all comes through the bite. Think of it as natural medicine."
"You bit me to help me? Why aren't I thirsty any more? Did you give me a
drink before you bit me? How did I drink enough while unconscious to not be
thirsty any more? I haven't had a drink for over two days. Well, except for
the windshield wiper fluid... hold it, how in the world does a snake talk?
Are you real? Are you some sort of Disney animation?"
"No," says the snake, "I'm real. As real as you or anyone is, anyway. I
didn't give you a drink. I bit you. That's how it works - it's what I do. I
bite. I don't have hands to give you a drink, even if I had water just
sitting around here."
The man sat stunned for a minute. Here he was, sitting in the middle of the
desert on some strange stone that should be hot but wasn't, talking to a
snake that could talk back and had just bitten him. And he felt better. Not
great - he was still starving and exhausted, but much better - he was no
longer thirsty. He had started to sweat again, but only slightly. He felt
hot, in this sun, but it was starting to get lower in the sky, and the cool
stone beneath him was a relief he could notice now that he was no longer
dying of thirst.
"I might suggest that we take care of that methanol you now have in your
system with the next request," continued the snake. "I can guess why you
drank it, but I'm not sure how much you drank, or how much methanol was left
in the wiper fluid. That stuff is nasty. It'll make you go blind in a day or
two, if you drank enough of it."
"Ummm, n-next request?" said the man. He put his hand back on his hurting
shoulder and backed away from the snake a little.
"That's the way it works. If you like, that is," explained the snake. "You
get three requests. Call them wishes, if you wish." The snake grinned at his
own joke, and the man drew back a little further from the show of fangs.
"But there are rules," the snake continued. "The first request is free. The
second requires an agreement of secrecy. The third requires the binding of
responsibility." The snake looks at the man seriously.
"By the way," the snake says suddenly, "my name is Nathan. Old Nathan,
Samuel used to call me. He gave me the name. Before that, most of the Bound
used to just call me 'Snake'. But that got old, and Samuel wouldn't stand
for it. He said that anything that could talk needed a name. He was big into
names. You can call me Nate, if you wish." Again, the snake grinned. "Sorry
if I don't offer to shake, but I think you can understand - my shake sounds
somewhat threatening." The snake give his rattle a little shake.
"Umm, my name is Jack," said the man, trying to absorb all of this. "Jack
Samson.
"Can I ask you a question?" Jack says suddenly. "What happened to the
poison...umm, in your bite. Why aren't I dying now? How did you do that?
What do you mean by that's how you work?"
"That's more than one question," grins Nate. "But I'll still try to answer
all of them. First, yes, you can ask me a question." The snake's grin gets
wider. "Second, the poison is in you. It changed you. You now no longer need
to drink. That's what you asked for. Or, well, technically, you asked to not
be thirsty any more - but 'any more' is such a vague term. I decided to make
it permanent - now, as long as you live, you shouldn't need to drink much at
all. Your body will conserve water very efficiently. You should be able to
get enough just from the food you eat - much like a creature of the desert.
You've been changed.
"For the third question," Nate continues, "you are still dying. Besides the
effects of that methanol in your system, you're a man - and men are mortal.
In your current state, I give you no more than about another 50 years.
Assuming you get out of this desert, alive, that is." Nate seemed vastly
amused at his own humor, and continued his wide grin.
"As for the fourth question," Nate said, looking more serious as far as Jack
could tell, as Jack was just now working on his ability to read
talking-snake emotions from snake facial features, "first you have to agree
to make a second request and become bound by the secrecy, or I can't tell
you."
"Wait," joked Jack, "isn't this where you say you could tell me, but you'd
have to kill me?"
"I thought that was implied." Nate continued to look serious.
"Ummm...yeah." Jack leaned back a little as he remembered again that he was
talking to a fifteen foot poisonous reptile with a reputation for having a
nasty temper. "So, what is this 'Bound by Secrecy' stuff, and can you really
stop the effects of the methanol?" Jack thought for a second. "And, what do
you mean methanol, anyway? I thought these days they use ethanol in wiper
fluid, and just denature it?"
"They may, I don't really know," said Nate. "I haven't gotten out in a
while. Maybe they do. All I know is that I smell methanol on your breath and
on that bottle in your pocket. And the blue color of the liquid when you
pulled it out to drink some let me guess that it was wiper fluid. I assume
that they still color wiper fluid blue?"
"Yeah, they do," said Jack.
"I figured," replied Nate. "As for being bound by secrecy - with the
fulfillment of your next request, you will be bound to say nothing about me,
this place, or any of the information I will tell you after that, when you
decide to go back out to your kind. You won't be allowed to talk about me,
write about me, use sign language, charades, or even act in a way that will
lead someone to guess correctly about me. You'll be bound to secrecy. Of
course, I'll also ask you to promise not to give me away, and as I'm
guessing that you're a man of your word, you'll never test the binding
anyway, so you won't notice." Nate said the last part with utter confidence.
Jack, who had always prided himself on being a man of his word, felt a
little nervous at this. "Ummm, hey, Nate, who are you? How did you know
that? Are you, umm, omniscient, or something?"
Well, Jack," said Nate sadly, "I can't tell you that, unless you make the
second request." Nate looked away for a minute, then looked back.
"Umm, well, ok," said Jack, "what is this about a second request? What can I
ask for? Are you allowed to tell me that?"
"Sure!" said Nate, brightening. "You're allowed to ask for changes.
(continued...)
otac0n ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 02:16:31 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Changes
to yourself. They're like wishes, but they can only affect you. Oh, and
before you ask, I can't give you immortality. Or omniscience. Or
omnipresence, for that matter. Though I might be able to make you gaseous
and yet remain alive, and then you could spread through the atmosphere and
sort of be omnipresent. But what good would that be - you still wouldn't be
omniscient and thus still could only focus on one thing at a time. Not very
useful, at least in my opinion." Nate stopped when he realized that Jack was
staring at him.
"Well, anyway," continued Nate, "I'd probably suggest giving you permanent
good health. It would negate the methanol now in your system, you'd be
immune to most poisons and diseases, and you'd tend to live a very long
time, barring accident, of course. And you'll even have a tendency to
recover from accidents well. It always seemed like a good choice for a
request to me."
"Cure the methanol poisoning, huh?" said Jack. "And keep me healthy for a
long time? Hmmm. It doesn't sound bad at that. And it has to be a request
about a change to me? I can't ask to be rich, right? Because that's not
really a change to me?"
"Right," nodded Nate.
"Could I ask to be a genius and permanently healthy?" Jack asked, hopefully.
"That takes two requests, Jack."
"Yeah, I figured so," said Jack. "But I could ask to be a genius? I could
become the smartest scientist in the world? Or the best athlete?"
"Well, I could make you very smart," admitted Nate, "but that wouldn't
necessarily make you the best scientist in the world. Or, I could make you
very athletic, but it wouldn't necessarily make you the best athlete either.
You've heard the saying that 99% of genius is hard work? Well, there's some
truth to that. I can give you the talent, but I can't make you work hard. It
all depends on what you decide to do with it."
"Hmmm," said Jack. "Ok, I think I understand. And I get a third request,
after this one?"
"Maybe," said Nate, "it depends on what you decide then. There are more
rules for the third request that I can only tell you about after the second
request. You know how it goes." Nate looked like he'd shrug, if he had
shoulders.
"Ok, well, since I'd rather not be blind in a day or two, and permanent
health doesn't sound bad, then consider that my second request. Officially.
Do I need to sign in blood or something?"
"No," said Nate. "Just hold out your hand. Or heel." Nate grinned. "Or
whatever part you want me to bite. I have to bite you again. Like I said,
that's how it works - the poison, you know," Nate said apologetically.
Jack winced a little and felt his shoulder, where the last bite was. Hey, it
didn't hurt any more. Just like Nate had said. That made Jack feel better
about the biting business. But still, standing still while a fifteen foot
snake sunk it's fangs into you. Jack stood up. Ignoring how good it felt to
be able to stand again, and the hunger starting to gnaw at his stomach, Jack
tried to decide where he wanted to get bitten. Despite knowing that it
wouldn't hurt for long, Jack knew that this wasn't going to be easy.
"Hey, Jack," Nate suddenly said, looking past Jack towards the dunes behind
him, "is that someone else coming up over there?"
Jack spun around and looked. Who else could be out here in the middle of
nowhere? And did they bring food?
Wait a minute, there was nobody over there. What was Nate...
Jack let out a bellow as he felt two fangs sink into his rear end, through
his jeans...
Jack sat down carefully, favoring his more tender buttock. "I would have
decided, eventually, Nate. I was just thinking about it. You didn't have to
hoodwink me like that."
"I've been doing this a long time, Jack," said Nate, confidently. "You
humans have a hard time sitting still and letting a snake bite you -
especially one my size. And besides, admit it - it's only been a couple of
minutes and it already doesn't hurt any more, does it? That's because of the
health benefit with this one. I told you that you'd heal quickly now."
"Yeah, well, still," said Jack, "it's the principle of the thing. And nobody
likes being bitten in the butt! Couldn't you have gotten my calf or
something instead?"
"More meat in the typical human butt," replied Nate. "And less chance you
accidentally kick me or move at the last second."
"Yeah, right. So, tell me all of these wonderful secrets that I now qualify
to hear," answered Jack.
"Ok," said Nate. "Do you want to ask questions first, or do you want me to
just start talking?"
"Just talk," said Jack. "I'll sit here and try to not think about food."
"We could go try to rustle up some food for you first, if you like,"
answered Nate.
"Hey! You didn't tell me you had food around here, Nate!" Jack jumped up.
"What do we have? Am I in walking distance to town? Or can you magically
whip up food along with your other powers?" Jack was almost shouting with
excitement. His stomach had been growling for hours.
"I was thinking more like I could flush something out of its hole and bite
it for you, and you could skin it and eat it. Assuming you have a knife,
that is," replied Nate, with the grin that Jack was starting to get used to.
"Ugh," said Jack, sitting back down. "I think I'll pass. I can last a little
longer before I get desperate enough to eat desert rat, or whatever else it
is you find out here. And there's nothing to burn - I'd have to eat it raw.
No thanks. Just talk."
"Ok," replied Nate, still grinning. "But I'd better hurry, before you start
looking at me as food.
Nate reared back a little, looked around for a second, and then continued.
"You, Jack, are sitting in the middle of the Garden of Eden."
Jack looked around at the sand and dunes and then looked back at Nate
sceptically.
"Well, that's the best I can figure it, anyway, Jack," said Nate. "Stand up
and look at the symbol on the rock here." Nate gestured around the dark
stone they were both sitting on with his nose.
Jack stood up and looked. Carved into the stone in a bas-relief was a
representation of a large tree. The angled-pole that Nate was wrapped around
was coming out of the trunk of the tree, right below where the main branches
left the truck to reach out across the stone. It was very well done - it
looked more like a tree had been reduced to almost two dimensions and
embedded in the stone than it did like a carving.
Jack walked around and looked at the details in the fading light of the
setting sun. He wished he'd looked at it while the sun was higher in the
sky.
Wait! The sun was setting! That meant he was going to have to spend another
night out here! Arrrgh!
Jack looked out across the desert for a little bit, and then came back and
stood next to Nate. "In all the excitement, I almost forgot, Nate," said
Jack. "Which way is it back to town? And how far? I'm eventually going to
have to head back - I'm not sure I'll be able to survive by eating raw
desert critters for long. And even if I can, I'm not sure I'll want to."
"It's about 30 miles that way." Nate pointed, with the rattle on his tail
this time. As far as Jack could tell, it was a direction at right angles to
the way he'd been going when he was crawling here. "But that's 30 miles by
the way the crow flies. It's about 40 by the way a man walks. You should be
able to do it in about half a day with your improved endurance, if you head
out early tomorrow, Jack."
Jack looked out the way the snake had pointed for a few seconds more, and
then sat back down. It was getting dark. Not much he could do about heading
out right now. And besides, Nate was just about to get to the interesting
stuff. "Garden of Eden? As best as you can figure it?"
"Well, yeah, as best as I and Samuel could figure it anyway," said Nate. "He
figured that the story just got a little mixed up. You know, snake, in a
'tree', offering 'temptations', making bargains. That kind stuff. But he
could never quite figure out how the Hebrews found out about this spot from
across the ocean. He worried about that for a while."
"Garden of Eden, hunh?" said Jack. "How long have you been here, Nate?"
"No idea, really," replied Nate. "A long time. It never occurred to me to
count years, until recently, and by then, of course, it was too late. But I
do remember when this whole place was green, so I figure it's been thousands
of years, at least."
"So, are you the snake that tempted Eve?" said Jack.
"Beats me," said Nate. "Maybe. I can't remember if the first one of your
kind that I talked to was female or not, and I never got a name, but it
could have been. And I suppose she could have considered my offer to grant
requests a 'temptation', though I've rarely had refusals."
(continued...)
otac0n ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 02:17:11 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
"Well, umm, how did you get here then? And why is that white pole stuck out
of the stone there?" asked Jack.
"Dad left me here. Or, I assume it was my dad. It was another snake - much
bigger than I was back then. I remember talking to him, but I don't remember
if it was in a language, or just kind of understanding what he wanted. But
one day, he brought me to this stone, told me about it, and asked me to do
something for him. I talked it over with him for a while, then agreed. I've
been here ever since.
"What is this place?" said Jack. "And what did he ask you to do?"
"Well, you see this pole here, sticking out of the stone?" Nate loosened his
coils around the tilted white pole and showed Jack where it descended into
the stone. The pole was tilted at about a 45 degree angle and seemed to
enter the stone in an eighteen inch slot cut into the stone. Jack leaned
over and looked. The slot was dark and the pole went down into it as far as
Jack could see in the dim light. Jack reached out to touch the pole, but
Nate was suddenly there in the way.
"You can't touch that yet, Jack," said Nate.
"Why not?" asked Jack.
"I haven't explained it to you yet," replied Nate.
"Well, it kinda looks like a lever or something," said Jack. "You'd push it
that way, and it would move in the slot."
"Yep, that's what it is," replied Nate.
"What does it do?" asked Jack. "End the world?"
"Oh, no," said Nate. "Nothing that drastic. It just ends humanity. I call it
'The Lever of Doom'." For the last few words Nate had used a deeper, ringing
voice. He tried to look serious for a few seconds, and then gave up and
grinned.
Jack was initially startled by Nate's pronouncement, but when Nate grinned
Jack laughed. "Ha! You almost had me fooled for a second there. What does it
really do?"
"Oh, it really ends humanity, like I said," smirked Nate. "I just thought
the voice I used was funny, didn't you?"
Nate continued to grin.
"A lever to end humanity?" asked Jack. "What in the world is that for? Why
would anyone need to end humanity?"
"Well," replied Nate, "I get the idea that maybe humanity was an experiment.
Or maybe the Big Guy just thought, that if humanity started going really
bad, there should be a way to end it. I'm not really sure. All I know are
the rules, and the guesses that Samuel and I had about why it's here. I
didn't think to ask back when I started here."
"Rules? What rules?" asked Jack.
"The rules are that I can't tell anybody about it or let them touch it
unless they agree to be bound to secrecy by a bite. And that only one human
can be bound in that way at a time. That's it." explained Nate.
Jack looked somewhat shocked. "You mean that I could pull the lever now?
You'd let me end humanity?"
"Yep," replied Nate, "if you want to." Nate looked at Jack carefully. "Do
you want to, Jack?"
"Umm, no." said Jack, stepping a little further back from the lever. "Why in
the world would anyone want to end humanity? It'd take a psychotic to want
that! Or worse, a suicidal psychotic, because it would kill him too,
wouldn't it?"
"Yep," replied Nate, "being as he'd be human too."
"Has anyone ever seriously considered it?" asked Nate. "Any of those bound
to secrecy, that is?"
"Well, of course, I think they've all seriously considered it at one time or
another. Being given that kind of responsibility makes you sit down and
think, or so I'm told. Samuel considered it several times. He'd often get
disgusted with humanity, come out here, and just hold the lever for a while.
But he never pulled it. Or you wouldn't be here." Nate grinned some more.
Jack sat down, well back from the lever. He looked thoughtful and puzzled at
the same time. After a bit, he said, "So this makes me the Judge of
humanity? I get to decide whether they keep going or just end? Me?"
"That seems to be it," agreed Nate.
"What kind of criteria do I use to decide?" said Jack. "How do I make this
decision? Am I supposed to decide if they're good? Or too many of them are
bad? Or that they're going the wrong way? Is there a set of rules for that?"
"Nope," replied Nate. "You pretty much just have to decide on your own. It's
up to you, however you want to decide it. I guess that you're just supposed
to know."
"But what if I get mad at someone? Or some girl dumps me and I feel
horrible? Couldn't I make a mistake? How do I know that I won't screw up?"
protested Jack.
Nate gave his kind of snake-like shrug again. "You don't. You just have to
try your best, Jack."
Jack sat there for a while, staring off into the desert that was rapidly
getting dark, chewing on a fingernail.
Suddenly, Jack turned around and looked at the snake. "Nate, was Samuel the
one bound to this before me?"
"Yep," replied Nate. "He was a good guy. Talked to me a lot. Taught me to
read and brought me books. I think I still have a good pile of them buried
in the sand around here somewhere. I still miss him. He died a few months
ago."
"Sounds like a good guy," agreed Jack. "How did he handle this, when you
first told him. What did he do?"
"Well," said Nate, "he sat down for a while, thought about it for a bit, and
then asked me some questions, much like you're doing."
"What did he ask you, if you're allowed to tell me?" asked Jack.
"He asked me about the third request," replied Nate.
"Aha!" It was Jack's turn to grin. "And what did you tell him?"
"I told him the rules for the third request. That to get the third request
you have to agree to this whole thing. That if it ever comes to the point
that you really think that humanity should be ended, that you'll come here
and end it. You won't avoid it, and you won't wimp out." Nate looked serious
again. "And you'll be bound to do it too, Jack."
"Hmmm." Jack looked back out into the darkness for a while.
Nate watched him, waiting.
"Nate," continued Jack, quietly, eventually. "What did Samuel ask for with
his third request?"
Nate sounded like he was grinning again as he replied, also quietly,
"Wisdom, Jack. He asked for wisdom. As much as I could give him."
"Ok," said Jack, suddenly, standing up and facing away from Nate, "give it
to me.
Nate looked at Jack's backside. "Give you what, Jack?"
"Give me that wisdom. The same stuff that Samuel asked for. If it helped
him, maybe it'll help me too." Jack turned his head to look back over his
shoulder at Nate. "It did help him, right?"
"He said it did," replied Nate. "But he seemed a little quieter afterward.
Like he had a lot to think about."
"Well, yeah, I can see that," said Jack. "So, give it to me." Jack turned to
face away from Nate again, bent over slightly and tensed up.
Nate watched Jack tense up with a little exasperation. If he bit Jack now,
Jack would likely jump out of his skin and maybe hurt them both.
"You remember that you'll be bound to destroy humanity if it ever looks like
it needs it, right Jack?" asked Nate, shifting position.
"Yeah, yeah, I got that," replied Jack, eyes squeezed tightly shut and body
tense, not noticing the change in direction of Nate's voice.
"And," continued Nate, from his new position, "do you remember that you'll
turn bright purple, and grow big horns and extra eyes?"
"Yeah, yeah...Hey, wait a minute!" said Jack, opening his eyes,
straightening up and turning around. "Purple?!" He didn't see Nate there.
With the moonlight Jack could see that the lever extended up from its slot
in the rock without the snake wrapped around it.
Jack heard, from behind him, Nate's "Just Kidding!" right before he felt the
now familiar piercing pain, this time in the other buttock.
Jack sat on the edge of the dark stone in the rapidly cooling air, his feet
extending out into the sand. He stared out into the darkness, listening to
the wind stir the sand, occasionally rubbing his butt where he'd been
recently bitten.
Nate had left for a little while, had come back with a desert-rodent-shaped
bulge somewhere in his middle, and was now wrapped back around the lever,
his tongue flicking out into the desert night's air the only sign that he
was still awake.
Occasionally Jack, with his toes absentmindedly digging in the sand while he
thought, would ask Nate a question without turning around.
"Nate, do accidents count?"
Nate lifted his head a little bit. "What do you mean, Jack?"
(continued...)
otac0n ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 02:17:41 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Jack tilted his head back like he was looking at the stars. "You know,
accidents. If I accidentally fall on the lever, without meaning to, does
that still wipe out humanity?"
"Yeah, I'm pretty sure it does, Jack. I'd suggest you be careful about that
if you start feeling wobbly," said Nate with some amusement.
A little later - "Does it have to be me that pulls the lever?" asked Jack.
"That's the rule, Jack. Nobody else can pull it," answered Nate.
"No," Jack shook his head, "I meant does it have to be my hand? Could I pull
the lever with a rope tied around it? Or push it with a stick? Or throw a
rock?"
"Yes, those should work," replied Nate. "Though I'm not sure how complicated
you could get. Samuel thought about trying to build some kind of remote
control for it once, but gave it up. Everything he'd build would be gone by
the next sunrise, if it was touching the stone, or over it. I told him that
in the past others that had been bound had tried to bury the lever so they
wouldn't be tempted to pull it, but every time the stones or sand or
whatever had disappeared."
"Wow," said Jack, "Cool." Jack leaned back until only his elbows kept him
off of the stone and looked up into the sky.
"Nate, how long did Samuel live? One of his wishes was for health too,
right?" asked Jack.
"Yes," replied Nate, "it was. He lived 167 years, Jack."
"Wow, 167 years. That's almost 140 more years I'll live if I live as long.
Do you know what he died of, Nate?"
"He died of getting tired of living, Jack," Nate said, sounding somewhat
sad.
Jack turned his head to look at Nate in the starlight.
Nate looked back. "Samuel knew he wasn't going to be able to stay in
society. He figured that they'd eventually see him still alive and start
questioning it, so he decided that he'd have to disappear after a while. He
faked his death once, but changed his mind - he decided it was too early and
he could stay for a little longer. He wasn't very fond of mankind, but he
liked the attention. Most of the time, anyway.
"His daughter and then his wife dying almost did him in though. He didn't
stay in society much longer after that. He eventually came out here to spend
time talking to me and thinking about pulling the lever. A few months ago he
told me he'd had enough. It was his time."
"And then he just died?" asked Jack.
Nate shook his head a little. "He made his forth request, Jack. There's only
one thing you can ask for the fourth request. The last bite.
After a bit Nate continued, "He told me that he was tired, that it was his
time. He reassured me that someone new would show up soon, like they always
had.
After another pause, Nate finished, "Samuel's body disappeared off the stone
with the sunrise."
Jack lay back down and looked at the sky, leaving Nate alone with his
memories. It was a long time until Jack's breathing evened out into sleep.
Jack woke with the sunrise the next morning. He was a little chilled with
the morning desert air, but overall was feeling pretty good. Well, except
that his stomach was grumbling and he wasn't willing to eat raw desert rat.
So, after getting directions to town from Nate, making sure he knew how to
get back, and reassuring Nate that he'd be back soon, Jack started the long
walk back to town. With his new health and Nate's good directions, he made
it back easily.
Jack caught a bus back to the city, and showed up for work the next day,
little worse for the wear and with a story about getting lost in the desert
and walking back out. Within a couple of days Jack had talked a friend with
a tow truck into going back out into the desert with him to fetch the SUV.
They found it after a couple of hours of searching and towed it back without
incident. Jack was careful not to even look in the direction of Nate's
lever, though their path back didn't come within sight of it.
Before the next weekend, Jack had gone to a couple of stores, including a
book store, and had gotten his SUV back from the mechanic, with a warning to
avoid any more joyriding in the desert. On Saturday, Jack headed back to see
Nate.
Jack parked a little way out of the small town near Nate, loaded up his new
backpack with camping gear and the things he was bringing for Nate, and then
started walking. He figured that walking would leave the least trail, and he
knew that while not many people camped in the desert, it wasn't unheard of,
and shouldn't really raise suspicions.
Jack had brought more books for Nate - recent books, magazines, newspapers.
Some things that would catch Nate up with what was happening in the world,
others that were just good books to read. He spent the weekend with Nate,
and then headed out again, telling Nate that he'd be back again soon, but
that he had things to do first.
Over four months later Jack was back to see Nate again. This time he brought
a laptop with him - a specially modified laptop. It had a solar recharger,
special filters and seals to keep out the sand, a satellite link-up, and a
special keyboard and joystick that Jack hoped that a fifteen-foot
rattlesnake would be able to use. And, it had been hacked to not give out
its location to the satellite.
After that Jack could e-mail Nate to keep in touch, but still visited him
fairly regularly - at least once or twice a year.
After the first year, Jack quit his job. For some reason, with the wisdom he
'd been given, and the knowledge that he could live for over 150 years,
working in a nine to five job for someone else didn't seem that worthwhile
any more. Jack went back to school.
Eventually, Jack started writing. Perhaps because of the wisdom, or perhaps
because of his new perspective, he wrote well. People liked what he wrote,
and he became well known for it. After a time, Jack bought an RV and started
traveling around the country for book signings and readings.
But, he still remembered to drop by and visit Nate occasionally.
On one of the visits Nate seemed quieter than usual. Not that Nate had been
a fountain of joy lately. Jack's best guess was that Nate was still missing
Samuel, and though Jack had tried, he still hadn't been able to replace
Samuel in Nate's eyes. Nate had been getting quieter each visit. But on this
visit Nate didn't even speak when Jack walked up to the lever. He nodded at
Jack, and then went back to staring into the desert. Jack, respecting Nate's
silence, sat down and waited.
After a few minutes, Nate spoke. "Jack, I have someone to introduce you to."
Jack looked surprised. "Someone to introduce me to?" Jack looked around, and then looked carefully back at Nate. "This something to do with the Big Guy?
"No, no," replied Nate. "This is more personal. I want you to meet my son."
Nate looked over at the nearest sand dune. "Sammy!"
Jack watched as a four foot long desert rattlesnake crawled from behind the
dune and up to the stone base of the lever.
"Yo, Jack," said the new, much smaller snake.
"Yo, Sammy" replied Jack. Jack looked at Nate. "Named after Samuel, I
assume?"
Nate nodded. "Jack, I've got a favor to ask you. Could you show Sammy around
for me?" Nate unwrapped himself from the lever and slithered over to the
edge of the stone and looked across the sands. "When Samuel first told me
about the world, and brought me books and pictures, I wished that I could go see it. I wanted to see the great forests, the canyons, the cities, even the
other deserts, to see if they felt and smelled the same. I want my son to
have that chance - to see the world. Before he becomes bound here like I have been.
"He's seen it in pictures, over the computer that you brought me. But I hear that it's not the same. That being there is different. I want him to have
that. Think you can do that for me, Jack?"
Jack nodded. This was obviously very important to Nate, so Jack didn't even
joke about taking a talking rattlesnake out to see the world. "Yeah, I can
do that for you, Nate. Is that all you need?" Jack could sense that was
something more.
Nate looked at Sammy. Sammy looked back at Nate for a second and then said,
"Oh, yeah. Ummm, I've gotta go pack. Back in a little bit Jack. Nice to meet
ya!" Sammy slithered back over the dune and out of sight.
Nate watched Sammy disappear and then looked back at Jack. "Jack, this is my
first son. My first offspring through all the years. You don't even want to
know what it took for me to find a mate." Nate grinned to himself. "But
anyway, I had a son for a reason. I'm tired. I'm ready for it to be over. I
needed a replacement."
Jack considered this for a minute. "So, you're ready to come see the world,
and you wanted him to watch the lever while you were gone?"
(continued...)
otac0n ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 02:17:49 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Nate shook his head. "No, Jack - you're a better guesser than that. You've
already figured out - I'm bound here - there's only one way for me to leave
here. And I'm ready. It's my time to die."
Jack looked more closely at Nate. He could tell Nate had thought about
this - probably for quite a while. Jack had trouble imagining what it would
be like to be as old as Nate, but Jack could already tell that in another
hundred or two hundred years, he might be getting tired of life himself.
Jack could understand Samuel's decision, and now Nate's. So, all Jack said
was, "What do you want me to do?"
Nate nodded. "Thanks, Jack. I only want two things. One - show Sammy around
the world - let him get his fill of it, until he's ready to come back here
and take over. Two - give me the fourth request.
"I can't just decide to die, not any more than you can. I won't even die of
old age like you eventually will, even though it'll be a long time from now.
I need to be killed. Once Sammy is back here, ready to take over, I'll be
able to die. And I need you to kill me.
"I've even thought about how. Poisons and other drugs won't work on me. And
I've seen pictures of snakes that were shot - some of them live for days, so
that's out too. So, I want you to bring back a sword.
Nate turned away to look back to the dune that Sammy had gone behind. "I'd
say an axe, but that's somewhat undignified - putting my head on the ground
or a chopping block like that. No, I like a sword. A time-honored way of
going out. A dignified way to die. And, most importantly, it should work,
even on me.
"You willing to do that for me, Jack?" Nate turned back to look at Jack.
"Yeah, Nate," replied Jack solemnly, "I think I can handle that."
Nate nodded. "Good!" He turned back toward the dune and shouted, "Sammy!
Jack's about ready to leave!" Then quietly, "Thanks, Jack."
Jack didn't have anything to say to that, so he waited for Sammy to make it
back to the lever, nodded to him, nodded a final time to Nate, and then
headed into the desert with Sammy following.
Over the next several years Sammy and Jack kept in touch with Nate through
e-mail as they went about their adventures. They made a goal of visiting
every country in the world, and did a respectable job of it. Sammy had a
natural gift for languages, as Jack expected he would, and even ended up
acting as a translator for Jack in a few of the countries. Jack managed to
keep the talking rattlesnake hidden, even so, and by the time they were
nearing the end of their tour of countries, Sammy had only been spotted a
few times. While there were several people that had seen enough to startle
them greatly, nobody had enough evidence to prove anything, and while a few
wild rumors and storied followed Jack and Sammy around, nothing ever hit the
newspapers or the public in general.
When they finished the tour of countries, Jack suggested that they try some
undersea diving. They did. And spelunking. They did that too. Sammy finally
drew the line at visiting Antarctica. He'd come to realize that Jack was
stalling. After talking to his Dad about it over e-mail, he figured out that
Jack probably didn't want to have to kill Nate. Nate told Sammy that humans
could be squeamish about killing friends and acquaintances.
So, Sammy eventually put his tail down (as he didn't have a foot) and told
Jack that it was time - he was ready to go back and take up his duties from
his dad. Jack, delayed it a little more by insisting that they go back to
Japan and buy an appropriate sword. He even stretched it a little more by
getting lessons in how to use the sword. But, eventually, he'd learned as
much as he was likely to without dedicating his life to it, and was
definitely competent enough to take the head off of a snake. It was time to
head back and see Nate.
When they got back to the US, Jack got the old RV out of storage where he
and Sammy had left it after their tour of the fifty states, he loaded up
Sammy and the sword, and they headed for the desert.
When they got to the small town that Jack had been trying to find those
years ago when he'd met Nate, Jack was in a funk. He didn't really feel like
walking all of the way out there. Not only that, but he'd forgotten to
figure the travel time correctly, and it was late afternoon. They'd either
have to spend the night in town and walk out tomorrow, or walk in the dark.
As Jack was afraid that if he waited one more night he might lose his
resolve, he decided that he'd go ahead and drive the RV out there. It was
only going to be this once, and Jack would go back and cover the tracks
afterward. They ought to be able to make it out there by nightfall if they
drove, and then they could get it over tonight.
Jack told Sammy to e-mail Nate that they were coming as he drove out of
sight of the town on the road. They then pulled off the road and headed out
into the desert.
Everything went well, until they got to the sand dunes. Jack had been
nursing the RV along the whole time, over the rocks, through the creek beds,
revving the engine the few times they almost got stuck. When they came to
the dunes, Jack didn't really think about it, he just downshifted and headed
up the first one. By the third dune, Jack started to regret that he'd
decided to try driving on the sand. The RV was fishtailling and losing
traction. Jack was having to work it up each dune slowly and was trying to
keep from losing control each time they came over the top and slid down the
other side. Sammy had come up to sit in the passenger seat, coiled up and
laughing at Jack's driving.
As they came over the top of the fourth dune, the biggest one yet, Jack saw
that this was the final dune - the stone, the lever, and somewhere Nate,
waited below. Jack put on the brakes, but he'd gone a little too far. The RV
started slipping down the other side.
Jack tried turning the wheel, but he didn't have enough traction. He pumped
the brakes - no response. They started sliding down the hill, faster and
faster.
Jack felt a shock go through him as he suddenly realized that they were
heading for the lever. He looked down - the RV was directly on course for
it. If Jack didn't do something, the RV would hit it. He was about to end
humanity.
Jack steered more frantically, trying to get traction. It still wasn't
working. The dune was too steep, and the sand too loose. In a split second,
Jack realized that his only chance would be once he hit the stone around the
lever - he should have traction on the stone for just a second before he hit
the lever - he wouldn't have time to stop, but he should be able to steer
away.
Jack took a better grip on the steering wheel and tried to turn the RV a
little bit - every little bit would help. He'd have to time his turn just
right.
The RV got to the bottom of the dune, sliding at an amazing speed in the
sand. Just before they reached the stone Jack looked across it to check that
they were still heading for the lever. They were. But Jack noticed something
else that he hadn't seen from the top of the dune. Nate wasn't wrapped
around the lever. He was off to the side of the lever, but still on the
stone, waiting for them. The problem was, he was waiting on the same side of
the lever that Jack had picked to steer towards to avoid the lever. The RV
was already starting to drift that way a little in its mad rush across the
sand and there was no way that Jack was going to be able to go around the
lever to the other side.
Jack had an instant of realization. He was either going to have to hit the
lever, or run over Nate. He glanced over at Sammy and saw that Sammy
realized the same thing.
Jack took a firmer grip on the steering wheel as the RV ran up on the stone.
Shouting to Sammy as he pulled the steering wheel, "BETTER NATE THAN LEVER," he ran over the snake.
A pregant woman and her husband were walking home one day when a mugger jumped out and demanded their money. The husband refused and the mugger shot the woman. She managed to survive and she ended up giving birth to triplets.
Several years later the oldest triplet, a daughter, came to the woman with a bullet in her hand. She explained that while using the toilet the bullet came out. The woman told her about the mugging and sent her on her way.
A few weeks later the middle triplet, also a daughter, came to the woman and told the same story as her sister. The woman told her middle child the mugging story and sent her away.
A week later the youngest triplet, a son, came rushing to his mother in a panic. The woman assumed he had the same problem as his sisters and began explaining about the mugging. The boy stopped the woman and said "Mom, there's no time! I shot the dog!"
[deleted] ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 04:32:41 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Sitting there on this tiny lonely island, debating whether to brave the ocean again, he felt something hard beneath his feet. Upon brushing the sand away, he found a dull gold colored object, shaped just like a magic lamp.
Thinking to himself, there is no way this could be a real magic lamp, he retrieves it from the sand and gives it a rub, just in case.
His first wish required no thought at all as he exclaimed to the genie, "GENIE! I wish to be in a limousine in New York!
The genie nods, snaps his fingers, and POOF! a moment later the man is surrounded by the lights of New York. With the driver patiently waiting for direction, he sat in awe at his incredible turn of luck.
Without a moment's hesitation, he immediately wished to be the richest man in the world and with the snap of his finger, the genie granted his wish.
Sitting there quietly in his limo, the man realized that he only had one wish remaining. Not wanting to waste it on petty material items, he instructed the genie to get comfortable as he wanted to wait. With a wave to the driver, he kindly requested the radio to be turned on so that he could enjoy his new life in style.
Much to his surprise, the radio was playing his favorite tune, one he had heard a hundred times as a child. Without a care in the world, and a smile on his face, he started to sing along, "Ohhhh.. I wish I were an Oscar Mayer Wiener".......
One day two very loving parents got into a huge fight, the man called the woman a "bitch" and the woman called the man a "bastard".
Their son walked in and said "What does bitch and bastard mean?" and the parents replied "ladies and gentlemen".
The next day the parents decided to have sex, the women said "feel my titties" and the man said "feel my dick".
Their son walked in and asked "What does titties and dick mean?" and the parents replied "hats and coats".
On Thanksgiving the dad was shaving and he cut himself, "Shit" he said, the kid came in and asked "What's that mean" and the man said it was the brand shaving cream he was using.
Down stairs the mom was preparing the turkey, and she cut herself, "Fuck" she said. Once again the kid asked "What's that mean" the mom said that is what she calls stuffing the turkey.
Then the door bell rang. The kid answered the door to his relatives and said "Alright you bitches and bastards, put your dicks and titties in the closet, my dad is upstairs wiping the shit off his face, and my mom is in the kitchen fucking the turkey!
Mohammed, a rabbi and a troupe of syphillitic prostitutes carrying a large wooden crate go into a Talent Agent's office and say they have an act he really ought to see. Despite his understandable misgivings the Talent Agent tells them to go ahead and show him what they've got.
So they all strip off and, after introducing the diseased whores as his wives, Mohammed drops down onto his hands and knees and starts sucking hungrily on the rabbi's cock whilst the rabbi,waving an Israeli flag in one hand, repeatedly slaps Mohammed's face with the sole of his dog shit encrusted shoe.
Meanwhile, as some of Mohammed's wives speed-drink bottles of beer and take it in turns to tongue the rabbi's anus, the others climb up on top of the wooden crate and masturbate each other with giant salami sausages whilst singing a spirited rendition of 'The Star Spangled Banner'.
As he shoots his load into Mohammed's mouth the rabbi shits himself and those wives not enthusiastically licking it up off the floor gather round their husband and urinate on him yelling "Mohammed, piss be upon you!"
Mohammed, his mouth ringed with Semite-smeg and still dripping the Jew-jism he hadn't managed to swallow, reaches out with his left hand, picks a bacon sandwich up off the shit-splattered floor and, pausing only to take a bite out of it, looks over his shoulder and shouts "Release the pig!"
At this signal the wives sitting spread-legged on the wooden crate slide back the bolts on the box and a huge boar, driven crazy with lust by the familiar stench of their cunts, bursts into the room, his corkscrew cock twitching in eager anticipation. Seeing Mohammed's pouting arsehole in front of him the pig rushes forward and begins mounting him vigorously, his porky penis gliding into Mohammed's haemorrhoidy ring-piece with practiced ease as the assembled wives, in drunken unison, proclaim:"Behold, the mounting comes to Mohammed".
"That's one hell of an act you've got there" says the Talent Agent,"what do you call it?"
" The Allah-Ackbar-ocrats."
I got a good one..,
So this guy is driving down the California highway in the middle of the night around 2am, it's starting to rain and e notices a girl walking along the side of the road. Stopping, he asked her if she was okay. She was crying and answered "no! We just got in a car wreck and I can't get my mom to wake up and I think my dad broke his legs! I can't get any service so I'm walking back to town to get help!"
The man realized she been crying and was holding a cell phone, she couldn't have been more than 15 and town was at least half hour away by car, no way she'd make it on foot.
He gets out of the car and walks to her, "honey," he stops ad sighs "it just ain't your night is it?" And unzipped his pants.
Personally, I am not mad, merely pointing out that the unstated punchline of your joke involves sex (possibly rape), and neither that nor bathroom humor can be considered G rated jokes
dus1 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 07:26:39 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Saved comment
RiskVSreward ยท 1977 points ยท Posted at 18:18:33 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
This is one of my favorites, and is best told with lots if enthusiasm (as most jokes should be told).
There's a cop on the side of the road, checking for speeders. Car flies by, cop sees 12 penguins in the back of the car. Cop hits his sirens and pulls the guy over.
Runs up to the window. "What are you doing with 12 penguins in the back of your car!?!?!"
The guy says "...I dunno..."
Cop replies "Well I think you should bring those penguins to the zoo!!!" "OK" the guy replies.
Next day, cop on the side of the road again. Same car flies by, 12 PENGUINS in the back of the car!! Cop hits the sirens, pulls the guy over, runs up to his window.
"I THOUGHT I TOLD YOU TO BRING THOSE PENGUINS TO THE ZOO!!!"
Guy replies "I ALREADY DID!!! AND NOW WE'RE GOING TO THE MOVIES!"
the_supersalad ยท 63 points ยท Posted at 04:20:53 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
This is great and I've never heard it before! Thanks!
[deleted] ยท 24 points ยท Posted at 10:25:30 on February 15, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
[deleted]
Portashotty ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 17:57:46 on March 11, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I like turdles.
Shadowchaos ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 21:13:44 on March 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I like tottles.
Bagel_Knight ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 14:13:58 on March 14, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I like trains
drunkrabbit99 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 13:31:28 on March 18, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Raaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaam
[deleted] ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 00:23:18 on April 1, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
chhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
drunkrabbit99 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 06:56:31 on April 1, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
how the fuck did you end up on a 13 day old thread ?
[deleted] ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 11:46:16 on April 1, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
idk m8
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:14:40 on May 18, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Sometimes it just happens
tree5eat ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 16:27:57 on August 1, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I'm always late to a party too.
mirocj ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:32:29 on July 7, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
by googling something that i think is interesting
drunkrabbit99 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 22:55:01 on July 7, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
3 months, boy !
AlliRmbrIsDrtSkyDrt ยท 7 points ยท Posted at 12:41:24 on February 15, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
This joke (with a Rhino instead of penguins) was the first joke I thought of when I saw the title for this thread. So happy it's here.
[deleted] ยท 7 points ยท Posted at 03:59:25 on February 29, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
my teacher is 7th grade told us this joke and i thought it was the funniest t hing i had ever heard. For years i would tell people this joke getting mixed responses. A long time after i think my senior year of high school i saw my 7th grade teacher and i tried to talk to her about the joke and how i've told so many people. She looked at me like i was fucking crazy
SarcasticWatermelon ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 00:15:33 on February 22, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
My dad used to use this joke in his cabaret act. I've heard far too many versions of it from when he's done it at different clubs -.-
hahadllm ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 16:58:24 on March 2, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Could some explain the joke?
EvilResident662 ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 01:10:46 on March 3, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
He's taking the penguin out to do stuff. Not return them to the zoo
Poyohoy ยท 1018 points ยท Posted at 03:13:22 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
How do you think the unthinkable?
With an itheburg
StoneCold-JaneAustin ยท 112 points ยท Posted at 10:09:27 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
-- Mike Tyson
mastapetz ยท 19 points ยท Posted at 11:04:56 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
SOS SOS WE ARE SINKING WE ARE SINKING
What are you thinking?
jetstreamer123 ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 16:03:16 on May 31, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Little late but this is pretty relevant
https://youtu.be/rg0fmaCSDPg
JohnnyMikau ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:39:12 on March 8, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Oh you know, just "search and rescue" stuff.
averagegirl17 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 20:03:59 on February 25, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
oH MY GOD
DOGEweiner ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 01:56:14 on March 2, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
The thells the thells by the she thore ๐
NotYourHoNoMo ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 08:33:03 on February 23, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
This is my new favorite joke.
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:59:53 on March 5, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Too soon, man.
Yashish ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 09:45:17 on March 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I don't get.
uhmbreon ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 02:23:54 on April 25, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
It's like "how do you sink the unsinkable? with an iceberg" in reference to the Titanic, but with a speech impediment.
hanaanmhd ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:37:37 on May 11, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Read it with a lithp
Alzebuub ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 10:13:16 on June 2, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Heisenberg?
Psyqhodelic ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:15:11 on June 16, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
ROW ROW FIGHT DA POWAH
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 23:54:19 on July 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Fucking Sollux.
Kirrawayru ยท 408 points ยท Posted at 02:44:07 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
A frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller. He can see from her nameplate that her name is Patricia Whack.
"Miss Whack, I'd like to get a $30000 loan to take a holiday."
Patty looks at the frog in disbelief and asks his name. The frog says his name is Kermit Jagger, his dad is Mick Jagger, and that it's OK, he knows the bank manager. Patty explains that he will need to secure the loan with some collateral.
The frog says, "Sure. I have this," and produces a tiny porcelain elephant, about half an inch tall - bright pink and perfectly formed.
Very confused, Patty explains that she'll have to consult with the bank manager and disappears into a back office. She finds the manager and says, "There's a frog called Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know you and wants to borrow $30000, and he wants to use this as collateral."
She holds up the tiny pink elephant.
"I mean, what in the world is this?"
The bank manager looks back at her and says, "It's a knick-knack, Patty Whack, give the frog a loan. His old man's a Rolling Stone."
as made famous during some slow play in the cricket
matiasdude ยท 7 points ยท Posted at 04:34:11 on June 29, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I laughed a lot harder hearing him tell the joke with the cricket commentary intermixed.
dinobot100 ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 01:22:46 on August 1, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
r/wordavalanches
kristinjustus ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 03:07:09 on July 19, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
This is the best joke I've ever heard.
nice_flutin_ralphie ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 23:30:37 on August 7, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Thats one of my all-time favourite bits of commentary, the old design of the SCG commentary boxes allowing them to have an almost pantomime atmosphere and of course Kerry's terrible jokes.
vandancouver ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 02:49:30 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I like this. Didn't see the nursery rhyme coming
imperialjak ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 07:40:38 on February 14, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
/slow clap
mytwin_ ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 04:38:10 on March 11, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
i think i heard that one from hot girls tell jokes or something
Formidable_Table ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 22:14:42 on June 2, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Kerry O'Keefe always provided the goods
xexir ยท 1126 points ยท Posted at 17:50:23 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Why do you never see elephants hiding in trees? Because they're very good at it.
MyWeirdTanLines ยท 179 points ยท Posted at 01:11:13 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Why do elephants paint their toenails red?
To hide in cherry trees.
Every seen an elephant in a cherry tree?
No? So it works!
lemlemons ยท 242 points ยท Posted at 03:21:10 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
i heard this one as "why do elephants paint their testicles red?"
to hide in cherry trees? ever seen one? no? it works!
"whats the loudest sound in the forest?"
giraffes eating cherries.
[deleted] ยท 16 points ยท Posted at 18:21:25 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
[deleted]
SadGhoster87 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 16:33:42 on June 22, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Keyra13 ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 22:41:54 on July 22, 2016 ยท (Permalink)*
That uh... That would not be rated G mate. Edit: a word
lemlemons ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 22:50:41 on July 22, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
this uh... was five months ago???
Keyra13 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 22:53:07 on July 22, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
My b I'm going through old threads because bored
lemlemons ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 22:56:02 on July 22, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
its okay, Keyra13...
its okay.
youre my best and only friend <3
Keyra13 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 00:07:51 on July 23, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
That's so sweet! I think... Or maybe you're a serial killer. Whatever, I'm not gonna judge you friend
beepbeepitsajeep ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 12:40:29 on July 24, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Hey can I get in on the friend action?
Keyra13 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 12:46:43 on July 24, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Serial killer friend action or normal friend action? 'Cause we can only have one serial killer and I need someone to distractthemwhileIrun
PM_ME_YOUR_EWOK_GIF ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:55:57 on July 31, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Hi
Keyra13 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 11:54:52 on August 3, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Hi, it took me until now to get to your comment and figure out if you're the murderer or not.
...i still haven't figured it out tbh. Shoves u/beepbeepitsajeep at you and runs away
PM_ME_YOUR_EWOK_GIF ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 12:31:22 on August 3, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Yes.
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:29:17 on July 24, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Doesn't change that it's PG
Cakepufft ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 09:57:54 on February 19, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
You guy just made my day :'D
Hashtagbarkeep ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 11:57:53 on February 28, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Stupid long horses
johnabbe ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 10:09:37 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
How did Tarzan die?
Picking cherries!
MyWeirdTanLines ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 14:05:26 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
That's a good one! I will def be stealing that for my collection of elephant jokes. :)
What did Tarzan say when he saw the elephants coming?
He said "Here come the elephants".
What did Tarzan say when he saw the elephants wearing sunglasses?
Nothing...he didn't recognize them.
johnabbe ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:15:55 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I originally heard it in non-G form, "Why do elephant paint their balls red?" "So they can hide in trees."
then you mix in some other elephant/jungle/tarzan jokes, then you ask how Tarzan died. I love jokes that refer back to other jokes.
What did the elephants say when they saw Tarzan coming?
Nothing silly, elephants can't talk!
you_got_fragged ยท 18 points ยท Posted at 04:51:25 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
"Have you seen the cow that hides from ugly people?"
"No?"
"lol"
the_m4a ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 05:20:23 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Why do elephants paint their toes all different colors? So they can hide jellybean jars.
Followed by: You ever see an elephant a jelly
bean jar? (no) Works, don't it?
Stupendous13 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:53:18 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I prefer:
"Why do elephants paint their feet yellow?"
"Why?"
"To hide upside down in a bowl of custard."
". . ."
"Have you ever seen an elephant in your custard?"
"No?"
"Well there you go."
subsonicmonkey ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:12:05 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
This one worked on my 6-year-old.
BucketMaster69 ยท 2272 points ยท Posted at 19:12:53 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)*
What did the pirate say on his 80th birthday? aye 'maighty
Feel__Free ยท 43 points ยท Posted at 09:14:42 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
What's a pirates favorite letter? Arrrrrrr? No, its the sea!
BucketMaster69 ยท 16 points ยท Posted at 03:31:29 on February 14, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
What's a pirate's favorite branch of the military?
The arrrrmy?
No, the navy of course
xheist ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 02:02:39 on February 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
You'd think so but they're married to the C
[deleted] ยท 26 points ยท Posted at 15:21:38 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Here's my favorite pirate joke I learned when I was 7:
A young sailor goes to a pub and sees an old grizzled pirate, with a wooden leg, a hook and an eyepatch. The sailor is shocked, and asks the pirate how did he get a wooden leg.
"Yarr, when I was still gettin' me sealegs, I fell off the boat and a shark bit me leg off!"
"And how did you get that hook for an arm?"
"Arrr, when I was an older lad, we attacked a ship and a cannonball blew me hand right off!"
"That's horrifying!! How did you get your eye out? Did you get shot or..."
"Nay... A seagull pooped on me eye..."
"You can lose an eye from seagull poo??"
"Nay, but that was the first day I had me hook for an arm."
[deleted] ยท 12 points ยท Posted at 13:00:48 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
RemindMe! November 25, 2066 "What did the pirate say on his 80th birthday? Aye 'maighty!"
[deleted] ยท 32 points ยท Posted at 10:36:27 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I guess this is G rated - here's my pirate joke:
A pirate walks into a bar and has a steering wheel shoved in his pants. The bartender goes, "What is that?" and the pirate replies, "ARRRR...! It's drivin' me nuts...! (say that part in an accent)
BucketMaster69 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 03:33:34 on February 14, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Haha! I liked this one
jaybasin ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:07:39 on February 18, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Good joke but it's not g rated.
Dan_117 ยท 11 points ยท Posted at 04:58:52 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
This one just made me laugh out loud
kingkaan ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 09:45:45 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
recommending you read this aloud with an pirate accent
BigBobbert ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 06:34:41 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Did you see the new pirate movie? It's rated Arrrrrr.
IWanTPunCake ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 11:36:53 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
and thus dualscar was slain........
Enterland ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 07:07:41 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Someone please ELI5.
MonkeyDaFist ยท 9 points ยท Posted at 07:30:08 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I'm eighty
XDutchie ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 10:24:35 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Ayy lmao
swantonist ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:21:36 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
i laughed out loud
dimethylTRAPtamine ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:48:40 on February 14, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Matey...the fuck would 'maighty be short for?
BucketMaster69 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:37:09 on February 15, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Well I just wanted to make sure they knew it was both eight and mate. So like combined them to make maight
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:23:59 on February 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Fuck your edit, no one cares
BucketMaster69 ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 07:09:38 on February 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
apparently you do if you commented on it. HUEHUEHUEHUE
Sonnyjimlads ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 10:50:10 on March 9, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
WHY ARE PIRATES PIRATES? BECAUSE THEY ARRRR!
Slant_Juicy ยท 9961 points ยท Posted at 17:48:22 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
So there was this man in Bulgaria who drove a train for a living. He loved his job, driving a train had been his dream ever since he was a child. He loved to make the train go as fast as possible. Unfortunately, one day he was a little too reckless and caused a crash. He made it out, but a single person died. Well, needless to say, he went to court over this incident. He was found guilty, and was sentenced to death by electrocution. When the day of the execution came, he requested a single banana as his last meal. After eating the banana, he was strapped into the electric chair. The switch was flown, sparks flew and smoke filled the air- but nothing happened. The man was perfectly fine.
Well, at the time, there was an old Bulgarian law that said a failed execution was a sign of divine intervention, so the man was allowed to go free. And somehow, he managed to get his old job back driving the train. Having not learned his lesson at all, he went right back to driving the train with reckless abandon. Once again, he caused a train to crash, this time killing two people. The trial went much the same as the first, resulting in a sentence of execution. For his final meal, the man requested two bananas. After eating the bananas, he was strapped into the electric chair. The switch was thrown, sparks flew, smoke filled the room- and the man was once again unharmed.
Well, this of course meant that he was free to go. And once again, he somehow manages to get his old job back. To what should have been the surprise of no one, he crashed yet another train and killed three people. And so he once again found himself being sentenced to death. On the day of his execution, he requested his final meal- three bananas.
"You know what? No," said the executioner. "I've had it with you and your stupid bananas and walking out of here unharmed. I'm not giving you a thing to eat, we're strapping you in and doing this now." Well, it was against protocol, but the man was strapped in to the electric chair without a last meal. The switch was pulled, sparks flew, smoke filled the room- and the man was still unharmed. The executioner was speechless.
The man looked at the executioner and said "Oh, the bananas had nothing to do with it. I'm just a bad conductor."
XirallicBolts ยท 2840 points ยท Posted at 01:56:50 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Oh god, I didn't see that punchline coming. Loved it
dohawayagain ยท 484 points ยท Posted at 03:36:39 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Thanks, I tl;dr'd this until I saw your comment and decided to give it a chance. It's my new favorite joke.
Waldominium ยท 14 points ยท Posted at 06:50:54 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
When you tell it, the goal is to drag it out as long as possible before delivering the pun.
setfire3 ยท 8 points ยท Posted at 04:43:02 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
we were too distracted by the bananas...
sipes216 ยท 15 points ยท Posted at 04:06:00 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I'm on the pot and laughing like shit. Thanks. It helped as I was a bit backed up. :)
niuguy ยท 13 points ยท Posted at 04:29:56 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
FTFY
GrandeSizeIt ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 07:11:51 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I had a friend who told this joke in high school. Cracked me up the first time I heard it
thektulu7 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 06:12:06 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Me, too.
[deleted] ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 07:48:35 on February 16, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Samsies
JimmyPopp ยท -20 points ยท Posted at 04:32:20 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Conductors drive trains and carry electricity. (you couldn't figure it out)
johnpflyrc ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 10:46:04 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Where I live (UK) it's the driver who drives the train. The conductor (if there is one) checks and sells tickets to the passengers.
age_of_cage ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 11:51:15 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Train drivers and Conductors are not the same thing, the joke is an hour long and doesn't even work.
XirallicBolts ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 13:12:48 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Just don't think about it too much. relax and enjoy the show.
[deleted] ยท 90 points ยท Posted at 04:30:39 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
[deleted]
Roarkindrake ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 22:07:03 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
This reminds me of that Christmas song
Scyrothe ยท 535 points ยท Posted at 01:52:58 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I heard a similar joke, but the punchline was a bit darker; something along the lines of:
Once more, they strap the man into the electric chair, but once more he survives. When the man walks out unharmed, the sheriff draws his gun and shoots the man. Everyone is in shock, but the sheriff just says, "Well the chair was never going to work! He's a bad conductor!"
XelaZero ยท 17 points ยท Posted at 08:17:38 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Is this the US version of the joke?
mozartkart ยท 7 points ยท Posted at 12:38:18 on February 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Insulting America will always get the downvote hammer.
XelaZero ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 14:28:04 on February 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Does it look like I care? :> Oh I was insulting the US not America. Also that comment was 4 days old. LoL
UsuallyCool ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 06:08:19 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Darker... someone getting shot..... must be the American version.
jerichojerry ยท 14 points ยท Posted at 10:12:57 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I see what you were trying to do there, but your wording was sloppy
[deleted] ยท 38 points ยท Posted at 02:07:58 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
[deleted]
zoraluigi ยท 73 points ยท Posted at 02:55:25 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Better Nate than lever?
prancingElephant ยท 31 points ยท Posted at 03:12:02 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I've had dreams about that joke
fluffenstein ยท 12 points ยท Posted at 04:53:56 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Fuck that joke. That's 20 minutes of my life I'm never getting back
Porridgeandpeas ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 08:10:14 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
It only took you 20mins?
fluffenstein ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 12:54:35 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I was shown mercy because I was frantically trying to finish an essay
Revolver_Camelot ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 14:11:33 on February 14, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
20 minutes? You must not have read the whole thing.
fluffenstein ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 15:14:17 on February 14, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
A friend told it to me, but she took mercy on me the first time
likesleague ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 04:55:45 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I'm proud to say I've read through that multiple times.
bowtochris ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:39:30 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
The greatest
BeskedneElgen ยท 14 points ยท Posted at 05:08:30 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
"so then he requested SEVENTEEN bananas..."
hashtagwindbag ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 05:18:43 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
My record is eight minutes to tell the Fuck You Clown joke. It doesn't sound like much, but man, it takes a lot of words to fill 480 seconds.
blacksheeprising ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 02:00:06 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I hate you, you beautiful bastard.
splice_of_life ยท 7 points ยท Posted at 03:05:06 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I was certain the punchline was going to have something to do with a-peel-ing the sentance.
[deleted] ยท 11 points ยท Posted at 05:12:41 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I was worried he'd ask for an orange and finally die, and had arranged for his epitaph to say, "Aren't you glad I didn't say banana?"
tehlaser ยท 24 points ยท Posted at 02:00:48 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
But conductors don't drive trains.
SilverStar9192 ยท 37 points ยท Posted at 02:25:39 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
They do in most languages. It's only the U.S. that uses the term conductor for a non-driving role. This joke is really funny in French or Italian and Brits will understand it too.
MyersVandalay ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 04:00:52 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Actually more supprised to hear it works in French and Italian, wouldn't figure using the same word for allowing electricity to pass through, and operating a train as a constant in languages.
SilverStar9192 ยท 7 points ยท Posted at 04:15:33 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
It's all derived from the same Latin word, meaning leader/director. I don't know why it's applied to electricity but keep in mind electricity being a relatively recently harnessed phenomenon, and mostly developed by the Western world, it makes sense that the same word is used in each language. Recall that for a very long time, almost all scientific discoveries and congress went through one institute in France.
The train usage is more traditional. The confusion for some American readers is that the conductor, who is legally in charge of the train, doesn't necessarily operate the controls in the front - that's the engineer. In Europe the conductor is both in-charge and the physical driver. In both cases the word is actually being used properly according to its Latin root, for the person in charge, but just with a slightly different job description.
props_to_yo_pops ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 09:08:27 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
If the bad conductor was "in charge" he wouldn't be bad at conducting. It also explains his neutral demeanor.
SilverStar9192 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 09:15:28 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I thought about making that re-volting pun too, but resisted it as I thought it too negative.
overkill ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 10:12:17 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Ohm my God, you Coulomb come up with a better one?
SilverStar9192 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 10:31:37 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
If he was in-charge it was the die-electric part that was bad at conducting :)
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 11:30:28 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Engineers drive trains in the US, and the railroad union makes it weird because it's a protected term. If you are a process engineer, get hired by the railroad to do process engineering things, lord help you if somebody hears you call yourself an engineer.
I mean it's one of the last good unions left, but some guys would pick a fight over this stuff
SilverStar9192 ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 11:50:40 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Yeah the history of the engineering profession is quite interesting in that it now denotes a white-collar office job for the most part, despite it starting out as someone who operates & maintains engines. Of course early steam engines were complicated enough that you did require quite the education and experience to operate them - with the smarts and common sense to be able to be able to make complicated repairs out in the field if necessary.
Marine engineers are a related profession to the railroaders - I've met some amazing marine engineers who are some of the smartest guys I know who can fix or invent all kinds of ingenious stuff. But they wouldn't be considered "professional" engineers by the white-collar types.
[deleted] ยท -4 points ยท Posted at 02:32:45 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
[deleted]
netflixandchili ยท 15 points ยท Posted at 03:04:20 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
What does that have to do with anything? I see differences in semantics and dialects, sure. But no PC, bro
DMann420 ยท -7 points ยท Posted at 03:11:13 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
eh
TempestNathan ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 05:13:27 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
You can always tweak it so it works. Instead of driving the train really fast, he can call him a "guy who operates trains." His job was to take care of the passengers, make sure everything was safe, stuff like that... but he was always urging the engineer to go faster, and would even up the speed himself when no one was looking.
heill ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 04:44:09 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
My middle school band teacher told the same joke, except instead of a train conductor it was a music conductor who kept killing band members who screw up.
greenday61892 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:02:38 on February 19, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Same! Was told this story in a music festival orchestra!
furlonium ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 02:21:21 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Haha, almost a shaggy dog story there!
RangerSkip ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 05:30:43 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
This is so weird but I'm a waiter at a restaurant and I overheard bits and pieces of a joke very similar to this except the person was a music conductor who used a machete instead of what they normally use, whenever someone made a mistake he would chop their head off. I never heard the punchline but it has to be the same joke.
crossfireloads ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 02:12:45 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I love and hate this joke so much. Its so damn funny and I am upset that I didn't see it coming. Kudos.
[deleted] ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 02:44:48 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Good jokes mate, really funny, see you at FUCK YOUJ
tiamariamix ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 03:00:30 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
How dare you make me read that with my own two eyes
smbfcc ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 18:12:08 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
This is one of my favorite jokes to tell to waste people's time. The first time I heard it the guy telling it went into excruciating detail of where the banana was (like at the tallest tree of the Amazonian rainforest because it's a special banana) I can literally take 30 mins to tell this joke and the look on people's faces when I finish is priceless.
lolinonreddit ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 02:26:26 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Shaggy dog stories are the best. Thank you kind stranger
popcorned ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 03:01:30 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I had to pause for half a minute to recover from that punchline.
internetlad ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 03:09:45 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Better Nate than Lever!
catmyonlyfriend ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 04:23:00 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I read it and love it. So I read it out loud to my husband...who fell asleep while I was reading it. So I read it out loud again and midway through he fucking guesses the punchline.....
[deleted] ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 04:50:35 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Bulgaria? RUSEV CRUSH RUSEV MATCHKA
RickSHAW_Tom ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 05:23:56 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
This guy in my college was nearly murdered after making that joke last nearly 15 minutes.
gsfgf ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 06:31:23 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
You were kind. I've got a buddy who can drag that joke out for an hour.
Reality_Facade ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 06:47:49 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I groaned and rolled my eyes. Good job OP.
gaspah ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 09:58:02 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Oh fuck off! Bahahahaha
[deleted] ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 11:42:35 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
We're done here.
Redd_October ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 12:02:19 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Best joke in the threddit.
loreleisparrow ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 17:00:45 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
GOD DAMN IT
thecheekyvicar ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 19:58:13 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
This is fucking brilliant
blazingeye ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 20:28:01 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
You fucker
emmyset23 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 11:13:48 on February 14, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
So sorry to point out a mistake in this beautiful joke, but if he didn't have three bananas as his last meal, then the meal before that would have been his last meal. There is no way that the train driver didn't have a last meal, unless he hadn't eaten all his life, which we know isn't true because
1) He's old enough to drive trains for a living, and a person cannot survive that long without food,
And 2) It was mentioned in the joke that the train driver had bananas before his last two attempted executions.
Again, so sorry for being a smartass, but I just felt like it NEEDED to be pointed out. I laughed at that masterpiece for a good 10 minutes, and I am not ashamed about it. Thank you.
nazislowpoke ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 15:07:15 on February 16, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
If we meet someday, I'll punch you in the face.
perditi0nspam ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 15:22:32 on March 6, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Take my upvote you magnificent bastard
Frashmastergland ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:55:52 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I don't get this one! I want to. What all I missing?
Sapphiresin ยท 14 points ยท Posted at 03:06:26 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Conductor (sometimes) refer to the guy driving the train, which is the guy in the story. He's bad at driving and has crashed a few times, so he's a bad conductor.
Scientifically, an electric conductor is something which will allow electricity to pass through. The electric chair didn't work because electricity can't pass through the guy, so he won't die.
To the rest of the people, I know it's the current and voltage and shit and I'm not 100% accurate but that's what you need to know how get the joke.
Frashmastergland ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 03:14:31 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Oh, that's hilarious, thanks for spelling it out.
Sapphiresin ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 03:27:24 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
S-o t-h-e-r-e w-a-s t-h-i-s m-a-n i-n B-u-l-g-a-r-i-a w-h-o d-r-o-v-e a t-r-a-i-n f-o-r a l-i-v-i-n-g.
Can't spell it out man it's gonna take too long.
NeilBillAndI ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:01:00 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Fantastic.
hilarymeggin ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:16:22 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Booooooooo
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:30:07 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Love it
Corimem ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:49:15 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
See, I just read the punch lines of these jokes and enjoy the confusion that sets in.
djjlav ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:57:32 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I laughed out loud and I haven't even started drinking yet.
Mossed84 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 04:01:26 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
He needs a personal trainer.
Glad I read the entire thing, the ending was a complete shock to me.
SquirrelNinja3 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 04:02:57 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
One of my favorite super-long jokes. Right up there with the blue brick.
redheadedalex ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 04:15:24 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Amazing
meMidFUALL ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 04:15:48 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
This joke has death, I'd rate it pg at least.
TheBruBear ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 04:22:00 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Christ on a cracker, that's golden.
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 04:23:38 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
What about the folk singer serial killer? They gave him the acoustic chair.
userbelowisamonster ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 04:49:04 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Bra-freakin-vo
MadDogFenby ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 04:52:16 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
That's a much shorter version of the "purple banana joke" I like to tell
-Hegemon- ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 04:54:43 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Hahaha it's amazing!
makintoos ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:00:33 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Is it because he is from BULGARIA?
PlamenDrop ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:04:59 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Why'd you have to bring Bulgaria into this?
Cali-basas ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:05:54 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
That's good, but I am not sure dying people and executions are rated G.
AvalancheMaster ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:06:47 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
But of course as a Bulgarian the first joke that I'll read today will start with "There was this man in Bulgaria..."
goose_on_fire ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:09:02 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I first heard this joke about an orchestra conductor. Same joke, different story, still funny.
TitaniumDragon ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:11:14 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
My dad once managed to stretch this joke out to fill up a 45 minute long car ride with detailed descriptions all along the way.
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:16:01 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Jesus Christ I have a job and kids to take care of I can't read all of that shit
hashtagwindbag ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:17:42 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Goddammit...
CommunistLibertarian ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:36:20 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I used to tell a version of this joke on long trips - I once managed to drag it out to 45 minutes and gave everyone in the story a name starting with the letter "J". I thought it was hilarious!
whimsicalsteve ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:38:35 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Conductors don't drive the trains, that's the engineer.
SilverStar9192 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 06:13:19 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
They do in Europe. Your 'MURICA is showing.
syntaxvorlon ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:42:01 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I remember a similar one. I don't remember it terribly well, so I'll just paraphrase it.
A cellist in the Boston Pops is getting ready to give a concert at Tanglewood, one stormy afternoon in Western MA when a deafening crack of thunder shatters the pleasant afternoon. She runs to the Shed to see what has happened and there, on the lawn, drinking a glass of wine on the scorched lawn is the orchestra leader. Everyone is baffled as to how he has survived, but the veteran cellist says aside, "I always thought he was a terrible conductor."
kiscica ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:44:40 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Only one problem with this joke. The conductor isn't the guy who drives a train. That's the engineer. The conductor makes announcements, opens doors, collects tickets, etc. - basically anything but drive the train.
MakingThings ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:45:14 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
The conductor does not drive the train. The engineer does.
SilverStar9192 ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 06:13:30 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
They do in Europe. Your 'MURICA is showing.
MakingThings ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 02:30:19 on February 14, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Oh. I guess it is. My dad was a engineer for the railroad for 35 years.
MakingThings ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 02:33:10 on February 14, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Although, I think you maybe wrong according to Wikipedia
https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Conductor_(rail)
raresaturn ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:48:33 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
conductors do not drive trains
SilverStar9192 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 06:13:37 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
They do in Europe. Your 'MURICA is showing.
raresaturn ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 06:18:46 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
'Straya
LolzYourMother ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:50:59 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Lolz
SPLENDEUR ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 06:05:29 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Beautiful, didn't get the double meaning for conductor at first. Thought it was one of those jokes of irony. Saved.
ablaaa ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 06:06:22 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I advise you to change the country's name to something else. Bulgaria is not the fourth-world country that your joke is meant to portray.
senatormeowmix ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 06:07:43 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Fuck you, that was awesome.
Thakkali ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 06:11:55 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
The version I heard goes like.. After two failed executions he has a change of heart and becomes a really nice person but accidentally through no fault of his own has another crash involving dead people. But this time he dies in the chair because he is now a good conductor.
whatevermanwhatever ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 06:15:56 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
This is the best joke in the thread
DoneIn62nds ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 06:19:23 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
"Orange you glad I didn't say banana?"
jedadkins ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 06:29:23 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
i heard the same joke but the guy condutcs an orchestra with a sword and keeps killing first chair flutes
ThatguyIncognito ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 06:35:08 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I wish I could tell the joke. Unfortunately, I would insist on making a correction to make it accurate. So the guy would confess to being a bad engineer.
E-man5245 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 06:53:41 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Our band teacher would always tell this joke but it was about a band conductor.
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 07:08:09 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
From the last anti joke thread:
A fiftysomething-year-old white man is struggling to meet ends. He currently supports a daughter in college and son struggling with both divorce and the foreclosure of his home. The man, crippled by the recent loss of his adoring wife by cancer and his youngest child, who succumbed to hard drugs and systematic self-destruction, was left completely unable to cope with life itself. At his job as a train operator, he works from dawn to the dead of night and has sold almost all of his possessions in order to support his family. He is determined to see them succeed before he departs from his dreary existence which is the hellish facade called "life." However, the cost of these sacrifices begins to wear on him as he no longer eats properly or sleeps comfortably. It begins to affect his work ethic and one day, he crashes the train; one-hundred and sixty-one passengers were injured, and three children at the front of the train were rendered comatose from the impact. He is promptly sued by the city and asked to resign. After months of zero support from their father, his children begin to fall like flies to their individual hells. His son shoots himself a week after being arrested for beating and raping his ex-wife. The daughter is hospitalized after collapsing from stress and soon drops out of college altogether. She then ceases all communication with the father, most likely to avoid the shame and disappointment which she feels is evident.
The father is soon incarcerated. He has been charged with manslaughter and found guilty. He knows that there is nothing beyond the prison bars and begins to research his own demise.
After several weeks of feigning severe psychosis and homicidal tendencies, it is decided that he is to be executed within a few months by electric chair. This is what the man has been waiting for; an end to this parade of madness and infinite anguish.
When the time comes to die, he is given his final meal. He eats a rosemary chicken, hoping it would taste like the ones his wife used to cook. Unfortunately, as expected, it does not. The meat is both bland and unsavory.
He is forced onto the electric chair and strapped in. It bothers him that there is a piece of chicken stuck between his teeth, which have shriveled and rotted after years of poor maintenance. His throat is dry and he has a sudden pang of thirst to finish what would have been his final glass of water.
As the priest reads to him his final prayers, he suddenly begins to sob uncontrollably. He mourns for his family, who he failed to protect and nurture. He is ashamed by the pain he has caused during his job as a train operator. He thinks back to the time when he was a child, where he sat in a field of soft grass and heard his mother calling in the distance.
A voice calls to his attention. "Any last words?" says the executioner.
The man bleakly stares into the incandescent light bulb which illuminates his throne of death like the halo of the supreme being, casting judgment upon his soul.
"No." says the man, surprised by his own voice. It was frail, and papery, like the rustle of litter being cast aside on a sidewalk.
"Very well." A loud noise emanates within the room as a switch is pulled. The man's constraints tug at his atrophied limbs and worn skin. He clenches his eyes and cries until tears trickle down into his mouth. His last sensation would be the taste of his own cowardice. There is silence which seems to resonate for an eternity.
But then, the man realizes that he has yet to die;
he was a poor conductor.
tupac_fan ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 07:33:16 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Nationality chosen at random?
Ma5assak ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 08:01:45 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Nice thread
equilibrium57 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 08:19:16 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Qka shega brat.
thecavepeanut ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 08:22:41 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Q: How many seconds does it take you to fall when you slip on a banana peel? A: 1 bananosecond
ExtremelyLongButtock ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 08:49:33 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
The reason people fry when they're in the electric chair is because we're bad conductors. If we were all made of copper the current would just flow harmlessly through us. I feel like this is some shit that Neil deGrasse Tyson would bitch about on twitter but I'm gonna have to veto this joke, friend.
limitlessabhi ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 08:52:41 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
upvote for making me read this!
imagineth ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 08:55:05 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
5 people died unnecessarily in that joke.
AutumnCrystal ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 10:11:28 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Oh, I liked that. When they're that long you fear them sucking, sort of adds to the tension snap a punchline delivers.
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 10:38:30 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
But engineers drive the train, not conductors...
Auntie_Beeb ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 11:01:20 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
. . . But . . He was a bad driver, not a bad conductor. Am I missing something?
Norqmeister ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 12:58:13 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I heard half of this joke on the radio once. I missed the punchline and for the last 15 years have wondered what it was. Thank you.
you_got_fragged ยท 1141 points ยท Posted at 19:09:13 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I wrote a poem:
I dig
You dig
She digs
He digs
They dig
We dig
Okay so it's not the best poem, but it's very deep!
Mechbiscuit ยท 28 points ยท Posted at 03:44:59 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I too am a cyanide fan.
Fix_Your_Face ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 04:35:56 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I spy with my little eye something that begins with C...
[deleted] ยท 7 points ยท Posted at 13:31:53 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Once in a lifetime? Once in a fuck you!
MrRandomSuperhero ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 15:13:37 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
One of us, one of us.
Papajon87 ยท 12 points ยท Posted at 02:21:54 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I dig it
kastacrona ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 03:11:14 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
and when I dig, you dig, we dig.
butthemsharksdoe ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 03:45:01 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I put my hand up on my siv
CodeJack ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 03:49:58 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Nobody diggs
Skyler827 ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 05:34:13 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
You made this? I made this.
Canis_Familiaris ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 03:15:10 on February 14, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
This chopper is crashing right now
fireork12 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 04:33:40 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I don't get it
you_got_fragged ยท 16 points ยท Posted at 04:56:29 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
It's deep because everybody is digging
fireork12 ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 05:00:25 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Ah
STRiPESandShades ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 04:47:18 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Giant robots.
Brockovich614 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:09:46 on April 7, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Never forget :(
Nik_the_Llama ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:59:19 on February 15, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I dig this joke.
dimethylTRAPtamine ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 19:54:13 on February 14, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Terrible.
Dastardlydoom ยท 1255 points ยท Posted at 15:14:41 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Why was the teacher cross eyed? Because he couldn't control his pupils
Rickyrojay ยท 9 points ยท Posted at 03:15:03 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
This is a gem right here. Works on both levels
Dastardlydoom ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 03:16:16 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Thank you happy Friday ! ๐
LamentForIcarus ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 05:19:54 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Told my girlfriend this. She's laughing so hard she can't breathe. Thanks for that.
Dastardlydoom ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 14:29:24 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Thank you!! ๐
whatevermanwhatever ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 06:25:30 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Excellent
Dastardlydoom ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 14:32:01 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Thank you! ๐
kittykittysnarfsnarf ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 03:28:43 on February 19, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
That's the Moody Method
Dastardlydoom ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 11:34:13 on February 19, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Yes it is :)
[deleted] ยท 199 points ยท Posted at 18:42:41 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
What do you call a snobbish criminal walking downstairs?
A condescending con descending.
los_thunder_lizards ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 08:12:05 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Did you hear about that new deal that you go in on it with a cast member from That 70s Show & you get a discount on mustard &/or salad toppings?
It's a Laura Prepon Grey Poupon Crouton Groupon.
sapientius ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:36:50 on February 14, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
"Mystery biscuits!!!"
dinobot100 ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 01:30:15 on August 1, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
https://www.reddit.com/r/WordAvalanches/comments/3ogese/a_swindler_passes_by_a_bird_in_the_stairwell_of/
TuxeDoge ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 19:15:08 on July 7, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I don't get the joke
SALT1NES ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 06:53:56 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
A man walks by a prison when he sees a midget climbing down the barbed wire fence. He says to himself, "Wow, that's a little con descending."
asphaise ยท 2703 points ยท Posted at 17:03:59 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
A blind guy walks into a store and starts swinging his seeing eye dog around his head. An employee comes over and nervously asks if he can help. The blind guy replies "No thanks. I'm just looking around."
kiki_The_blonde ยท 609 points ยท Posted at 01:39:22 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Two men meet in a park while walking their dogs and start chatting. They hit it off and after a bit one says to the other "let's going grab a drink in that bar!"
The other says "I'd love too, but I hate leaving my dog outside."
The first man replies, "just follow my lead!" and puts on a pair of dark sunglasses and walks into the bar with his dog.
The bartender immediately stops him and says, "I'm sorry sir, but we don't allow dogs in this bar." the man replies, "this is my seeing eye dog, I need him with me." The bartender lets him have a seat.
The second man decides this is a great plan, and follows suit with his own sunglasses. Again the bartender stops him, and he uses the seeing eye dog line. The bartender doesn't buy it.
"Sir, chihuahuas are not seeing eye dogs!"
to which the second man is incredulous: "WHAT??!! THEY GAVE ME A CHIHUAHUA??"
HairyBouy ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 22:31:20 on March 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Give that man a New..
[deleted] ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 20:25:34 on April 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
[deleted]
kiki_The_blonde ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 20:36:56 on April 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
had to actually google that. It was a joke my sister told me YEARS ago. Sounds like a source she'd use.
naomicat ยท 982 points ยท Posted at 21:27:12 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Why don't blind people go skydriving? Because it scares the heck out of their dogs.
soljakid ยท 316 points ยท Posted at 01:06:16 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
How does a blind parachuter know when to pull his chute?
When the dog lead goes slack
ihavefivecats ยท 26 points ยท Posted at 05:06:42 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
That's not G-Rated! ;____;
Klowned ยท 18 points ยท Posted at 03:50:39 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
:/
RireMakar ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 06:45:02 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
This is the one that broke me. Holy shit. Love it.
demuni ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 08:20:57 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Wouldn't that be a bit late?
animal531 ยท 7 points ยท Posted at 09:44:12 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Depends how long the lead is.
verheyen ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 12:26:27 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
A really long lead. Hang the dog out of the plane till it's lead is taught. Jump. Now it works.
That mental image scarred me. The fuck brain?
[deleted] ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 14:26:00 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Fuck, I haven't laughed like that in a while. That felt good.
[deleted] ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 16:35:10 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Poor doggy
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:28:35 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I love telling this one.
pm_me_your_diy_pics ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 12:55:43 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
This is the first one in this thread that made me laugh out loud.
soljakid ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 13:13:40 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I'm glad you liked it
Captain_Capybara ยท 10 points ยท Posted at 00:37:27 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Skydriving would scare me, too
Sharpevil ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 04:15:14 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
The funny part is that because dogs have poor depth perception, it doesn't. They love it.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7w4t9iArc7U
Typical_Bassist ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 00:41:24 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
How are you supposed to go skydiving with a car?
[deleted] ยท 10 points ยท Posted at 01:27:34 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
[deleted]
hpfan2342 ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 01:36:16 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Reason #1992 why 12 year olds can't have a licence: they will drive into an expensive tree.
ScoopskyPotatos ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:01:50 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
You need a plane. And a car.
GitEmSteveDave ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 02:06:50 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
How does a blind skydiver know when to pull the chute? He waits for the leash to go slack.
seeking_hope ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 04:59:05 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Funny story! At least funny to me. Our local aquarium had tigers. Don't ask me why it just does. I was watching the tigers with this kiddo with me. There is some kind of service dog walking around the glass. All of a sudden the tiger growls and in two jumps is across the enclosure and jumps against the glass. This poor dog freaked. They had to pick him up and carry him because he froze. I'm going to hell for laughing at that. The juxtaposition of a tiger going after a dog was funny since they aren't normal prey.
MattcVI ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 11:42:22 on February 24, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
This is late but which aquarium was it?
seeking_hope ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:26:57 on February 24, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Denver CO
caryllll ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 05:23:45 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Wherearemylegs ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 08:26:00 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
A blind guy came into my restaurant and started cracking a ton of hilarious blind person jokes. This is the only one I remember.
StepByStepGamer ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:24:05 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
"Aggrooo, you dirty thing"
Dragonai ยท 19 points ยท Posted at 00:07:36 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I spent three whole minutes trying to read this joke to my family, every single time I couldn't make it halfway through the first sentence without bursting out into laughter over and over.
IndoorSnowStorm ยท 9 points ยท Posted at 03:25:21 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Okay, this is the only joke in this thread that made me laugh hysterically
[deleted] ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 01:22:57 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
This is the one that got me. Good job!
MissLizzyBennet ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 02:06:54 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
This one broke me. I'm not trying to not laugh hysterically on the bus
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 04:14:21 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
double fwamp
Justlurkinaround ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 21:47:12 on February 25, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Me too! Almost...
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 07:03:43 on March 5, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I'm sorry but I'm just completely blanking on this one. Can someone help me out?
PurpleRainnnn ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 10:24:36 on April 27, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Lmfao. I cackled at that
TankyTinCan ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 09:13:00 on June 30, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
What is it about being blind that makes people want to walk their dogs all the time?
SheeEttin ยท -3 points ยท Posted at 02:27:35 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I'm not typing out the whole joke because I'm on my phone, but the setup is three guys trying to get into a bar with their dogs, so they pretend they're guide dogs. Third guy says, "they gave me a chihuahua?!"
[deleted] ยท 1837 points ยท Posted at 18:19:17 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)*
[removed]
Mage_of_Shadows ยท 1264 points ยท Posted at 03:08:56 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
and he is black
hotwingbias ยท 68 points ยท Posted at 05:57:35 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
It's best when you tell this joke to wait an uncomfortable amount of time until your buddy reluctantly says, "...because he's black?" and you quickly reply, "NO! You look for the fresh prints, you racist!"
terrarum ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 09:56:13 on March 9, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
This reminded me of the following joke:
What do you call a black man on the moon?
An astronaut, you racist.
electric_pig ยท 10 points ยท Posted at 09:05:48 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
This got dark quick
Potato_4 ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 10:26:14 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I chortled
[deleted] ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 18:38:31 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I love that pokemon!
[deleted] ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 13:00:24 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
This is the only comment in this whole thread that's made me laugh out loud!
fathertime25 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 08:07:40 on February 18, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
And yet jaden cant follow him.
Vulpix_ ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 06:51:28 on February 22, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I am laughing so god damn hard
iluedh2011 ยท -1 points ยท Posted at 06:30:42 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Thank you for this lol
prancingElephant ยท 47 points ยท Posted at 03:28:21 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
The first time I heard this joke, I legitimately thought the answer was going to be "he's black, stupid"
IAMA_dragon-AMA ยท 42 points ยท Posted at 04:22:49 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I've heard a variation of that:
you_got_fragged ยท 26 points ยท Posted at 04:23:26 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Why is Hellen Keller bad at driving?
Because she's dead.
_neutrino ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 02:47:20 on February 24, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I've always heard this punchline as: because she's a woman
St_Bernardus ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 05:45:05 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
follow jayden
Jrodsqod ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:59:30 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
How do you know if Will Smith used your copy machine? There's always fresh prints.
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 06:54:26 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
lllllll
THCal804 ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 09:41:49 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I too watched the Myq Kaplan stand-up on Netflix.
SevenSixOne ยท 1413 points ยท Posted at 17:58:00 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
A tiger walks into a bar.
Bartender: What'll you have?
Tiger: I'll have a Jack and........................................................................................................ Coke.
Bartender: What's with the big pause?
Tiger: I was born with 'em!
AND!
Hello everyone, welcome back to Plastic Surgery Addicts Anonymous. I see a lot of new faces here tonight, and I gotta say I'm pretty disappointed.
AND!
What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef
What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef
Where do you find a cow with no legs? Wherever you left it
BillyQuan ยท 149 points ยท Posted at 04:58:30 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I heard the tiger joke as a bear which make me laugh anyways. But here is the anti-joke of it just because:
A bear walks into a bar. Bartender says, What'll it be?" To which the bear replies, "A gin.................and tonic."
Well, okay comin' right up, but why the big pause?"
The bear says, "I've had...............a stroke."
curious_cortex ยท 18 points ยท Posted at 04:55:41 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
You're missing half of the cow joke! I saw it on some Reddit thread a while back and it's my favorite now.
What do you call a cow with three legs? Tri-tip What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef What do you call a cow with one leg? Steak What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef
thatJainaGirl ยท 8 points ยท Posted at 23:29:12 on February 23, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
What do you call a cow with two legs?
Your mother.
andnowforme0 ยท 40 points ยท Posted at 01:01:59 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
What do you call a cow with two legs? Yo momma.
SheriffWarden ยท 9 points ยท Posted at 04:24:19 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
What do you call a cow with a bad twitch? Beef jerky.
AdonisGksu ยท 16 points ยท Posted at 00:26:23 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
What do you call a cow that doesn't give milk?
A milk dud or an udder failure.
IamMrT ยท 9 points ยท Posted at 05:50:07 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
What do you call a cow that had an abortion?
Decaffeinated.
gsfgf ยท 8 points ยท Posted at 06:40:36 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
What do you call a deer with no eyes?
No eye deer
What do you call a deer with no eyes and no legs?
Still no eye deer
What do you call a deer with no eyes, no legs, and no balls?
Still no fuckin' eye deer
sasquonkey ยท 7 points ยท Posted at 01:04:34 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
What do you call a cow with one leg?
Steak.
jasonofark ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 03:33:48 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
What do you call a cow that barely made it over a a barbed wire fence...
Utter destruction
altonssouschef ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 05:30:49 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Cow with 3 legs - tritip 4 legs - a cow 5 legs - a cow with a rare genetic mootation
drummerdean ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 05:39:38 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Beef Strokin' off.
TheTCHammer ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 09:09:04 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
What is "What do you call a masturbating cow?"
Cow jokes for 1000 please.
creepymusic ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 03:35:20 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
What do you call a cow with no legs?
Ground beef.
What do you call a cow with three legs?
Lean beef.
What do you call a cow with two legs?
Your mom.
DD_MK18 ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 06:16:06 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
What do you call a sleeping bull?
A bulldozer.
eyedontknow ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 07:45:33 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Not quite g rated but,
What do you call a masturbating cow?
Beef stroganoff
Trengroove ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 09:45:42 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
What do you call a cow with one leg? A steak.
jreesecup33 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 18:04:45 on February 15, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
What happens when a cow jumps over a barbed-wire fence?
udder destruction
Prince_Oberyns_Head ยท -26 points ยท Posted at 00:41:09 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
You misspelled pause.
Edit: Why am I being downvoted? He freaking misspelled pause...
Edit: I don't care if it's a pun. Pause is not spelled paws. Why am I being blasted for this?
Edit: Is this really happening? Why is it so funny to misspell words? I had to pozz to see if it's a bear. See? I misspell words too, but nobody is laughing. They just keep downvoting me.
Edit: I UNDERSTAND THAT IT'S A JOKE. If you're going to tell a joke, use proper spelling! I'm just pointing out that he misspelled the word.
Edit: "Pun: a humorous way of using a word or phrase so that more than one meaning is suggested." -- Merriam-Webster Dictionary. Do you see anything in there about spelling words wrongly? YEAH...I DIDN'T THINK SO. Thanks for ruining my day Reddit. Downvoting me when you all have lost your FREAKING MINDS.
Edit: I love how people are wondering if English is my first language. Someone misspells a rudimentary word, and they get upvotes. I, on the other hand, have been using nothing but ASTONISHINGLY IMPECCABLE English in all of my comments, and I get blasted. Why isn't anyone asking "Paws Boy" if English is HIS first language? HE is the one who is butchering it.
Edit: Unfortunately, we live in a day where people seem to think that proper English isn't worth the time and effort. The fact that you are all downvoting me shows that you are all invalids. I could spell "pause" in Kindergarten, and you all are hammering me for a simple grammatical correction. This is unbearable.
Edit: Spelling.
Edit: Everybody keeps asking me, "How do you not understand this?" How about I answer that question with another question:
HOW DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THAT PAWS IS THE WRONG WAY TO SPELL PAUSE!!!???
Edit: Somebody actually said this:
This is what I'm talking about! Who in their right minds would intentionally misspell a word?! I just can't. I can't bear with this any longer.
Edit: Punctuation
Edit: I just asked everyone here at the office how to spell pause. Do you know what they said? P-A-U-S-E. I bet you all feel really dumb now. After all of this, you have been downvoting me to oblivion. But guess what! You're all wrong!! This level of ignorance makes me want to claw my eyes out.
Edit: I never thought I would get hammered so much for this. It really killed my day. I'm so glad we have the right to bear arms in this country, because I may need to shoot myself.
Edit: Proof I'm right, and you all are wrong.
rock_buster ยท 32 points ยท Posted at 01:11:08 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I believe you meant to type http://boards.4chan.org/r9k/ but you typed http://reddit.com/r/AskReddit instead. But that's as easy a mistake, as easy as misspelling "paws."
rrtyoi ยท 18 points ยท Posted at 03:21:01 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Stupid giraffe.
Derf_Jagged ยท 8 points ยท Posted at 01:44:29 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
The amount of upvote/downvote conflict in my mind is making me twitch
narayans ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 03:10:16 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
When is doubt, don't vot. Out and about, speedboat.
arcedup ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 02:39:56 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Because the bartender said it, in response to the pause.
green_herring ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 03:47:33 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Paws is a word though?
notacabaret ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 03:51:19 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
What do you call a bear's hands?
IMSamZ ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 03:53:03 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Hey paws a bit guys, give the man a break.
[deleted] ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 01:18:12 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
This is a glorious comment.
[deleted] ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 17:08:48 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
It's like a variation of the "stupid long horses" thing.
[deleted] ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 01:19:15 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
HOW DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THAT PAWS IS A HOMPHONE PUN AND THAT IF YOU SPELLED IT PAUSE IT WOULD NO LONGER BE A JOKE!!!??? It is intentionally misspelled, that is the joke.
redoaccount ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 08:21:29 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Lol. Thanks for the laugh. This whole post of some high lvl sarcasm while purposely getting downvoted to oblivion.
RegretDesi ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 21:23:28 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Bad day?
Woop_D_Effindoo ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 08:08:31 on February 16, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
an auld schtick
seefor effort
peazey ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 08:35:01 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
This is perhaps my favorite comment ever.
SevenSixOne ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 01:37:08 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
This comment is everything :D
glisp42 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 03:53:52 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Paws are so dumb
TydeQuake ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 09:51:08 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Meta already.
Alpha3031 ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 03:12:19 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Weel, u sea, teh maine point oph ingrish iz to get des points akrozz.
Nice troll, by the way.
Mantis304 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:24:19 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
And a cow with three legs? Tri-tip
MomoPeacheZ ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 08:10:02 on February 15, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef
What do you call a cow with three legs? Tri-tip
What do you call a cow with two legs? Your mom
PianoVampire ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 01:28:24 on March 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
What do you call a cow with two legs? OP's mom
besino ยท 6982 points ยท Posted at 16:59:11 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Plateaus are the highest form of flattery.
FrenchFriedMushroom ยท 966 points ยท Posted at 01:23:52 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I helped my Grandpa move from Kansas to Arizona thus past summer. When we entered New Mexico I look over and point out a Mesa and tell this joke.
He chuckled, and kept driving.
About 50 miles later he busts out laughing, admitting that the joke just clicked.
VirgilFox ยท 133 points ยท Posted at 05:36:36 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
This made me laugh harder than most of the jokes in here.
sammybeta ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 11:42:56 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Sorry.. I don't get it but I am quite eager to know what happened
[deleted] ยท 9 points ยท Posted at 06:25:12 on February 16, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
[deleted]
sammybeta ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 13:42:15 on February 16, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Oh, the photos really helped... Somehow now I feel you deserve some quality flatteries, like couple of plateaus.
TheNightWind ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 11:15:12 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
And only 4 hours after the joke was told.
andreaafra ยท 73 points ยท Posted at 05:43:34 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I love jokes that set themselves up like this, and you're like, "This is my chance!"
For me, it's on road trips when you see pastures with those round bales of hay, which of course, are illegal. Why you ask? Because the cows aren't getting a square meal.
FrenchFriedMushroom ยท 81 points ยท Posted at 05:46:03 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Or when you cross train tracks you can claim that a train passed right before you got there, like immediately before you got there.
Someone will ask how you knew, and you say "It left it's tracks."
sbsb27 ยท 7 points ยท Posted at 07:21:15 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
And when driving through a corn field, "shush, they're all ears."
andreaafra ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 05:50:50 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
This is brilliant. Adding to repertoire.
boomfruit ยท 18 points ยท Posted at 07:12:27 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
My dad instead, whenever he sees hay, shouts "hay!" But of course it sounds like "hey!" so everyone looks around, worried or excited until they realize he's just being a dad.
SnowGryphon ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 09:06:46 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
That's something Data-with-emotion-chip shit right there
ThatchedRoofCottage ยท 1556 points ยท Posted at 20:28:01 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)*
You made me laugh out loud from the stall of a public restroom.
Edit: My highest rated comment. Woooo!
TheLionEatingPoet ยท 1871 points ยท Posted at 21:37:49 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
This says much more about you than it does OP.
[deleted] ยท 68 points ยท Posted at 22:31:21 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Also laughed out loud reading this on the toilet. Inadvertently farted very loudly. Boss was in next stall. The rest of the day is going to be uncomfortable.
evictor ยท 39 points ยท Posted at 00:31:27 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
own it, don't bone it
ForTheText ยท 61 points ยท Posted at 01:04:16 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Yes. Definitely do not bone your boss.
AllGloryToSatan ยท 22 points ยท Posted at 01:07:05 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
owning someone is slavery though?
The_GreenMachine ยท 8 points ยท Posted at 01:26:51 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
isnt there also a rule or something against boning you boss?
Tasonir ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 04:38:13 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Only if you work for the family business...
[deleted] ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 01:27:00 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Not in America
IllKissYourBoobies ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 02:22:14 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Yes don't.
Grammor___Natsee ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:49:37 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Are they hot?
eh-mee ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 04:41:01 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Ugh tell me about it. Especially if they're dating your colleague.
[deleted] ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 03:51:49 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Yeah, walk in front of his office and fart again. Loudly. Trust me. It's a power move.
johnnybeefcakes ยท 8 points ยท Posted at 01:47:50 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
This just made me wonder what percentage of Reddit is on the turlet at any given point in time.
[deleted] ยท 8 points ยท Posted at 02:07:55 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
At least 5/7 at any given time
ImNotTheNSAIPromise ยท 11 points ยท Posted at 02:39:43 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
All of us? That doesnt sound right
Badvertisement ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 05:38:27 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
5/7 on the toilet - not right
8/8 on the toilet with rice - right
thanks for your suggestion
TXTCLA55 ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 01:07:52 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Assert your dominance, he'll respect you more and you'll finally be able to get that corner office even though Deborah in accounts thinks its hers.
[deleted] ยท 7 points ยท Posted at 01:27:40 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Fucking Deborah...
jigglehiggins ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 01:46:25 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Now don't be fucking Deborah.
HissingGoose ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 03:33:27 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
You need to build on this. When you happen to be using the urinal next to him one day start chuckling to yourself. Then once you've established eye contact start shaking your head.
Dominance established. You will be able to come in late on Mondays and leave early on Fridays for the rest of your time there!
[deleted] ยท 8 points ยท Posted at 04:00:12 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
He has no personal boundaries. He's tried to have conversations while I'm on the toilet at work.
HissingGoose ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 04:05:48 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Ugh, I always hate it when someone interrupts my concentration with small talk while I am trying to get a high score on a game on my mobile device!
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 04:07:37 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
He's a baby boomer too so I get the privilege of hearing the same 3 jokes on a daily basis
karmacomatic ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:53:37 on March 7, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Why are we all reading this from a toilet?
AlwaysSlightlyPeeved ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 02:01:36 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
You don't reddit on the can at work?
__SPIDERMAN___ ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 03:21:54 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
The toilet is the intellectual thrown of the common man
BobasPett ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 01:11:47 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I think I laughed harder at this image than at the actual joke.
keenemaverick ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 01:42:54 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
"Crap! This joke is funny! Quick, I need to find a restroom!!"
Ultrabarn ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 02:19:27 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I did that once in a relatively full public restroom in an airport. There were a few nervous chuckles in response. I figured that if I was going to make them uncomfortable, I might as well go all out. When I was done, I flushed the toilet and yelled, "Best shit ever!" I left the stall, washed my hands, and skipped out of there with my arms in the air. .
Lizardizzle ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 05:37:43 on February 15, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Think of it this way: You'll never be forgotten by those guys. One of them could have made their shitty day at the airport much better and they'll always appreciate it. In another world, you were just another ghost in the bathroom that used a stall, washed their hands, and left, with no impact on each others' existence.
Ultrabarn ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 07:30:58 on February 15, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
That's what I was going for. When I am gone, the tales of my antics will prevail. In generations, the new tribes of the work will speak in hushed voices about the legend of, "The Victory Shitter."
javrous ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 02:38:57 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
You're full of shit!
lickmygomjabbar ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 03:39:54 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
You made me laugh out loud from my desk chair. Please note that I'm not laughing WITH you. I'm 100% laughing AT you.
zachariusdubeus ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 04:43:40 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
It took me about 2 full minutes of trying to say "plate-eeh-us" "plat-ay-us" and other crap. Then it clicked and I couldn't stop laughing!!
Puskock ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:07:48 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
So despite tgus being G rated, it can still be used as toilet humor.
AnAnnoyingEyeFloater ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:08:48 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I laughed out loud at this.
Timedoutsob ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:17:38 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
You and people like you who admit to using their phone on the toilet disgust me.
Treemanonalimb ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 04:22:32 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Would you say that you lolott'd (laughed out loud on the toilet)
Absenceofavoid ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:20:41 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
The thought of you doing that made me laugh out loud in my car in a parking garage.
KyserTheHun ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 06:21:07 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Currently shitting brains out at 1:30am. Laughed as well.
entitude ยท 56 points ยท Posted at 22:46:31 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
That's stupid. You're stupid. Tell me another one.
KarmaFindsU ยท 32 points ยท Posted at 02:03:29 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I was like, whats a Plat-E-us...oh...
Plat-tow...
12iskYourLife ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 04:15:44 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Oh........
toastiezoe ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 04:47:57 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I did the same thing. I'm pretty mad at myself.
largestick ยท 29 points ยท Posted at 22:11:10 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I dun get it
madeForRedditing ยท 71 points ยท Posted at 23:36:09 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)*
Plateaus are flat and the highest local point. flattery contains the word flat. get it now?
[deleted] ยท 11 points ยท Posted at 02:16:33 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Thank you. Unfortunately I hate being that guy scrolling down looking for that "I'm too stoopid to get it" comment.
sbiff ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 03:27:33 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Just be thankful you're not the guy making it.
jj130 ยท 27 points ยท Posted at 23:53:42 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Wow I can't read. Thanks
Towerbuddy ยท 7 points ยท Posted at 02:05:48 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I actually thought that said peanuts
[deleted] ยท 8 points ยท Posted at 05:05:01 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I had a brain fart and thought Plateaus was some kind of philosopher or something (sounded like Plat-ee-us in my head). Not my brightest moment.
seventhaccount005 ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 02:07:57 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Peanuts? I hardly knew her!
largestick ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 03:57:55 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
thx bb
madeForRedditing ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 04:17:21 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
np bae
setfire3 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 04:28:14 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I know there's a double entendre on flattery, is there a double entendre on plateaus, I still feel like i am missing something.
bruzie ยท 29 points ยท Posted at 21:46:24 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
That's really mesa-ed with my head.
[deleted] ยท 10 points ยท Posted at 22:04:10 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
It's a bute
[deleted] ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 23:23:27 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)*
[deleted]
thereisonlyoneme ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 02:17:51 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Don't steppe on his toes.
dawrg ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:22:34 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Right purtty too.
Genie_GM ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 23:01:17 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Holy shit. That's so awesomely stupid and hilariously clever at the same time.
Zero7Home ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 00:55:37 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
You win!
newharddrive ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:27:08 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Stop mesa'n around.
Anzai ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:44:21 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
That definitely wins. Simplest jokes are the best jokes.
dont_wear_a_C ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:52:07 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Oh that's funn-....MICHAEL!!
enoughdakka ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:11:53 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Amazing
Vallatus_Hydram ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:21:26 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
what if you compliment someone on the top of Mount Everest?
BuddingtonDa3rd ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:25:21 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Kill me
ahfong ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:27:19 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
This is my absolute favorite.
Koooooj ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:52:55 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I prefer "What's the difference between a plateau and the end of a graduation ceremony?"
One is the height of flattery, while the other is the flight of hattery.
acrowsmurder ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:52:58 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I kept on reading platypus
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:54:29 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
No. Cannibalism is.
frowawayduh ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:02:45 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
That's a butte.
Leet_Noob ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:20:12 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Fuck I love language sometimes
CWSwapigans ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:24:21 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
This is ripped off from a top comment one of the other times this question was posted. I know because I also once ripped off this same comment in yet another one of these threads just to see if it would work (it did).
x_Sinister_x ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:37:34 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Saved in Evernote.
SandM2016 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:56:19 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
You just got my girlfriend to laugh extremely hard while I'm sitting here not knowing how to say the first word or what it means.... What just happened?
Quixel ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 04:01:11 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
That's hillarious.
METEOS_IS_BACK ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 04:59:11 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
can someone please explain? does it have to do with being flat?
grlutz ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:07:09 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Couldn't wrap my head around the plural of plateau for a minute. I was in Roman mythology territory, like Plataeusโฆ smh
Aleblanco1987 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:38:53 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Eli5? Not a native speaker
Szmere ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 06:38:06 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Did i miss anything? Can someone explain lol
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 06:53:47 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I didn't get this. Can someone explain? (English is not my first language)
imgurundercover ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 07:28:57 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
DANG
cantaloupelion ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 08:43:38 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
God dammit. :D
ChanceWolf ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 22:29:56 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
It's a gneiss day don't take it for granite.
UncleStevie ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 23:15:33 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Bueno amigo! which is high praise indeed from Mesa, Arizona.
Iamnotsmartspender ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 01:15:38 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Ok, someone Is gonna have to explain this to me
scragar ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 01:31:36 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
A plateau is a flat point found atop a hill or mountain.
Flattery sounds a lot like flatter (more flat) with a typical -y sound to indicate possession of an attribute (flowery for example is having traits of a flower, usually smell, spicy is having traits of spices in flavour, so flattery could be having traits of something flatter).
Thus a plateau is the highest form of flattery (possession of flatness, and not the usual meaning which is to be praised excessively).
The usual quote is "X is the highest form of flattery", where X is whatever someone is engaging in at the time (mimicary, and obession for example are the two most common), so the wrong meaning is usually infered on first reading.
Iamnotsmartspender ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:00:00 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Thanks
Dastardlydoom ยท 6688 points ยท Posted at 15:23:12 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)*
A game warden catches an unlicensed fisherman in the act. "You're going to pay a big fine for all those fish in your bucket" But, officer, I didn't catch these -- they are my pet fish and I just bring them here to swim. When they're done they jump back into the bucket. "Oh really? This I've got to see. If you can prove it, I'll let you go." The fisherman empties the bucket into the lake and waits patiently. A few minutes go by and nothing happens. Game warden: So where are the fish? Fisherman: What fish?
Edit there was already a scarecrow joke.
[deleted] ยท 4448 points ยท Posted at 19:56:16 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Two buddies are returning to the truck after a great day of fishing, when onto the path walks out the game warden. When he asks the men to show him their fishing licenses, one of them takes off running into the wood. After a while the man runs out of breath and the warden catches up to him. The man reaches into his wallet and supplies the warden with a valid license. The warden says "You've got to be one of the dumbest guys I ever met. If you had a license why did you run?" to which the man replies "My buddy doesn't."
NovSnowman ยท 1671 points ยท Posted at 21:05:13 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
What a good friend. Mine probably just runs away with the truck.
NoseDragon ยท 1517 points ยท Posted at 23:13:42 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
That's just stupid.
It would be more efficient for him to just get in and drive.
Alarid ยท 9 points ยท Posted at 01:24:43 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Jesus, stop taking my wheels.
82Caff ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 01:56:40 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
No, that was the other thread.
[deleted] ยท 17 points ยท Posted at 01:08:37 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Thanks dad.... again...
devilsfanx3 ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 07:43:07 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Ah the ol' reddit... fuck it I'm too lazy.
bragankelly9 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 23:57:53 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Dad?
mac-0 ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 00:47:56 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Yup. Gets charged for evading a police officer and sent to jail so that his friend won't get fined for fishing without a permit!
mbelf ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:06:59 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Reminds me of the mirror opposite of that joke:
Two best buds are on safari in Africa when their jeep breaks down and they're forced to walk to the nearest village. On their way they accidentally walk into the path of a lion. As the lion sees them one the guys slowly starts changing into his running shoes.
"You're crazy," his friend says, "you'll never outrun a lion."
"I'm not going to outrun the lion," he replies. "I just need to outrun you."
gRRacc ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 07:32:47 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
He can't. He doesn't have a license.
FrankGoreStoleMyBike ยท 1177 points ยท Posted at 00:36:17 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)*
I've heard an alternate version.
Police in a sleepy town have gotten accustomed to making their quotas by sitting outside the town bar snagging drunk drivers. One night, as everyone is walking out, the cop sees his clear target. The man stumbles out of the bar at closing time, nearly falling flat on his face twice, drops his keys half a dozen times trying to unlock his door. Sat in the passenger seat for a solid minute before realizing his error, repeated the inability to unlock his driver's side door, and finally, was the last person to leave the lot. He barely made it half a block up when the police pulled him over.
The officer gave him a field sobriety test, which he passed with flying colors, followed by three breathalyser tests, all of which came back "0.0".
"I don't get it. I saw you leaving the bar. You were clearly drunk!"
"Oh that? I'm the designated drunk tonight!"
Edit: "of" /= "have"
PM_ME_YR_O_FACE ยท 687 points ยท Posted at 01:39:50 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
"designated decoy"
EmergencyVolunteer ยท 32 points ยท Posted at 02:23:24 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
^ Correct punchine
albertsteinstein ยท 8 points ยท Posted at 03:54:07 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I still got the joke. I think his punchline was better, it takes a little more thought but you still get the idea.
starfirex ยท 10 points ยท Posted at 04:14:28 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I don't think so - the joke is the play on being a designated driver, who is sober. Designated decoy doesn't really have any of that ironic complexity to it, it's just stating the fact. Still works, but it's not as funny.
thektulu7 ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 05:21:21 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
A person is designated to be the driver. He was designated to be the decoy.
Scumbl3 ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 10:26:56 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Yes, usually someone is the designated driver. That is exactly why it's funnier that someone would be the designated drunk, rather than decoy. The implied dichotomy is the drunk (the person drinking) and the driver (the person not drinking). "Decoy" is accurate, but it's unnecessarily on the nose.
thektulu7 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 20:38:15 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Okay.
loginfliggle ยท -1 points ยท Posted at 04:37:17 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Don't forget that this would be told in a bar. Drunk people don't think good..ya dig?
starfirex ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 04:38:22 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Fuck that shit I tell jokes where I want
thektulu7 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 05:21:45 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Like on reddit.
ChiefFireTooth ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 04:07:55 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Thanks. Definitely had no idea what to think about the joke until I read your comment.
FrankGoreStoleMyBike ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 01:45:09 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I've heard it both ways
gocrazy69 ยท 9 points ยท Posted at 02:33:38 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
That's what she said!!!
Because she was a good researcher and enjoyed good conversations.
bustaflow25 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:55:45 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Lol, thanks. Took me a minute to get this joke.
Junrui_01 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 04:00:16 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
adreN?
OSUfan88 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:16:37 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
has anyone actually pm'd you their o-face?
Pm-ur-butt ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 03:39:21 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Id like to know too; Only one person PM'd me her butt.
OSUfan88 ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 05:41:37 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
haha, I'd be worried it be a bunch a harry dudes.
PM_ME_YR_O_FACE ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 21:46:48 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Not so far, but it's a new account
sirfray ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 05:05:53 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Yeah it should go something like this:
"Oh that? I'm the DD" "You're the designated driver?" "No, no. Designated decoy"
Newaccountusedtolurk ยท -1 points ยท Posted at 02:57:11 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Nah that's Adren. Oh wait, wrong sub
IWantAFuckingUsename ยท 9 points ยท Posted at 02:14:14 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I prefer "Designated decoy."
upvotes_cited_source ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 02:50:03 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Works a bit better with the punch line, "I'm the designated decoy!"
fluffman86 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 02:52:28 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
"town of gotten"
That threw me off for a while. I thought it was in Germany or something.
FrankGoreStoleMyBike ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 02:54:42 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Damn. Can't believe I made that mistake
fluffman86 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 03:04:03 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Hahaha, no worries mate.
[deleted] ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 03:16:08 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Would he be arrested for this?
FrankGoreStoleMyBike ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 03:32:13 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Can't imagine he could be. The joke is that the cop pulls him over because he sees the guy appears impaired instead of the many potentially drunk drivers who aren't acting as if they are.
He pulls him over, because of that, not any poor driving or crime he actually sees committed. He has probable cause for the stop, but no crime has been committed.
As for interfering or obstruction, not really possible because the officer has no proof any other crime was committed.
ocha_94 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 05:03:48 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Wait what's the difference between a field sobriety test and a breathalizer test?
FrankGoreStoleMyBike ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 05:27:20 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
A field sobriety test is when they have you walk straight lines, touch your nose on one foot, follow the finger, etc. A breathalyser is a machine that you blow into that gauges your blood alcohol content.
ocha_94 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 05:30:47 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I legit thought that field sobriety tests only happened in movies. Here in Spain they only do breathalizer tests. Thanks for the info!
brygphilomena ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 05:24:20 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
IANAL but couldn't the man then be charged with conspiracy to commit a crime? Clearly he had conspired with others to draw the polices attention when they drove drunk.
hawkfanlm ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:36:41 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I'd imagine if there is a video of him in the bar stating "I'm going to distract the cops while you guys drive drunk" then he would get obstruction. But if there is no evidence of it, then he is innocent until proven guilty beyond a reasonable doubt.
SadGhoster87 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 23:02:18 on June 22, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Even the breathalyzer was shocked at that cleverness.
Psychoptic ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 02:27:13 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Haha that's pretty awesome, the cop could probably still charge him with obstruction of justice though
FrankGoreStoleMyBike ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 02:39:47 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
If this was reality, the cop would have no grounds. Without a crime he can show being obstructed, the charges would go nowhere. And that kind of charge would open them up for a wrongful arrest lawsuit.
Lychemann ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:04:21 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Sorry to be Mr. Suddenly Political over here, but the "police [...] making their quota" as a potentially valid scenario is the real joke here. Really fucking blows my mind, being from Northern Europe.
FrankGoreStoleMyBike ยท 9 points ยท Posted at 02:28:09 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Legally, in the US, explicit quotas are illegal.
That said, they absolutely exist for traffic tickets. Some would argue they do for criminal arrests, as well, but I don't think there's ever been any evidence for them.
Dastardlydoom ยท 11 points ยท Posted at 20:15:26 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
LOL funny love it :)
yourbestfrientt ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 00:48:36 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)*
My dad told me about one time his uncle and father went out fishing, his uncle didn't have a license but his dad did. They ran into a fish warden and his dad took off. He finally slowed down and the fish warden got to him and asked to see his license. He showed the warden his license and asked why he was running if he had a license and all. His response was "It isn't illegal to run is it?"
Edit: forgot a word
goodfellaslxa ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 02:36:26 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Obstruction of justice on a federal level.
[deleted] ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 16:08:04 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Found the game warden
LegendaryCazaclaw ยท 7 points ยท Posted at 00:46:31 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
This actually happened at my old workplace. They employed a few illegal immigrants and someone tipped off the immigration cops so two of them show up at the company yard to take them away. A kid that worked there (about 19 at the time) who is a US citizen told the guys "Alright I'm gonna run, you guys get in your cars and go". Just like he said he takes off running and the two immigration officials chase after him giving the other guys a chance to take off. The guys still lost their jobs because ICE threatened to fine them unless they fired the illegals, but at least they didn't haul the guys off to Mexico.
RideMammoth ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 03:30:08 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I did this in europe, on trains. They would often Czech (get it) to see if you had a ticket on your way out of the train station - they seemed to have an eye for tourists. My friend didn't have a ticket, but I did. Of course, the guards were checking people on our way out. So, we had one of those 2-word conversations where we knew we were on the same page; "walk confidently" I said. Meanwhile, I slapped a sheepish look on my face, turned around, and quickly walked back towards the train. Wouldn't you know it, the guards went after me, and my friend walked free.
Vallatus_Hydram ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:23:14 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I've been the same age to my game warden for like five years.
petroleum-dynamite ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:11:18 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I hope you read this, but did you get this from Billy T. James?
[deleted] ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 16:07:29 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Never heard of him, I think my Grandfather told it to me.
evilbrent ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:46:34 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
That's like a nice version of:
Two men are walking in the forest and come across a tiger. One sits down and starts putting on running shoes. "What are you doing? You'll never outrun a tiger in those!" "I'm not trying to outrun the tiger."
Twitchy_throttle ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:32:43 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I got some underage drinking friends off the hook this way once.
SSLPort443 ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 01:09:39 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
3 guys go on an epic hunting trip across the states. They are heading home when they get pulled over by a game warden. The game warden pulls back the tarp on the bed of the truck and there are a bunch of animal carcasses under it. He grabs a goose and sticks his finger up it's ass, gives it a big twirl, pulls it out and sniffs it.
"Say fellers, this here goose is from eastern Wyoming. I don't suppose one of you has a goose license from Wyoming"?
"I do"! One of the hunters pulls out his goose license from Wyoming.
Warden grabs a deer from the bed of the truck, sticks a finger up it's ass, swirls it around, gives it a sniff and says. "This Deer is from hunting zone 5 in Montana, don't suppose one of you fellers has a license for Deer in zone 5 of Montana"?
Second passenger shows him his license for deer in Montana zone 5.
The Warden sticks this finger up a giant Alligator's ass, swirls it around, pulls it out and gives it a sniff. He looks at the third hunter and says, "All right, this her gator is from the Florida panhandle, I'm guessing you got a gator license from there"?
"Sure do"! says the third guy, shows the warden and all is clear.
Warden says, "All right fellers, I ain't gonna bother checking any more, you guys seems to be on the up and up, have a nice day. Say, where you from anyways"?
At which the driver jumps out, drops his pants, bends over and spreads his butt cheeks". You're so smart, you tell us!
madcaplarks ยท -2 points ยท Posted at 21:27:31 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Lucky he wasn't black
sylvaing ยท 1033 points ยท Posted at 00:40:22 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)*
Not really G rated but nevertheless...
A man and a woman went to a fishing trip. The man wasn't feeling well so he stayed in bed while his wife took the boat and went on the lake to read a book. The game warden comes by and seeing all the fishing gears in the boat, asks her for her fishing license. She said it was her husband's gear and she was just reading. The warden says to her it doesn't matter. She has all the equipments on board and could start anytime. The woman then tells him if he writes her a ticket, she would accuse him of sexual aggression. Shocked, the warden why she would do that ?!? She responds that he has all the equipment and could start anytime.
Edit: typos
-o__0- ยท 103 points ยท Posted at 02:05:48 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Wait, does it actually work like that? Like can game wardens give citations even if they don't see you fishing? I get my fishing licence every year but sometimes there will be an early spring and I'll go fishing before getting my license and I always figured if I got caught, as long as they didn't see me with my pole in the water I could just say something like "ya I came here to go fishing but I stopped myself just before casting because I remembered I didn't have my license yet" or some shit like that.
Rugged_as_fuck ยท 140 points ยท Posted at 02:16:25 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
In my state you'd be getting a ticket for sure. The only way you might get away with it is if the pole was in your vehicle, not in your hand.
Also, having known a few wardens, if you don't see them coming they're going to watch you for a bit before ticketing you anyway.
ARedditingRedditor ยท 21 points ยท Posted at 03:01:37 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Yep wardens sit on their boats with binoculars where I'm from and just watch people before they go out.
danisnotfunny ยท 7 points ยท Posted at 03:18:17 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Sounds like a solid job
juicius ยท 14 points ยท Posted at 03:31:50 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
It's like $10 to get the permit for the year. Salt water might be more expensive. Just get it. I get it 3 years at a time.
cthulhuscatharsis ยท 13 points ยท Posted at 03:48:06 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
And in many places, if you receive SNAP or other food related government assistance, the fee is waived entirely.
[deleted] ยท 8 points ยท Posted at 05:02:45 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Because of the financial position you're in, or to encourage you to eat healthy?
peteyboy100 ยท 11 points ยท Posted at 05:09:40 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
why not both?
cthulhuscatharsis ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 05:25:04 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I'd like to think both, but probably more for the financial situation.
thewhitestmexican12 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 04:07:31 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
This is really cool! I had no clue!!!
ExtremelyLongButtock ยท 8 points ยท Posted at 08:45:17 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
There's no way saltwater is more expensive than a fishing permit. I used to live right next to the ocean. You can literally bring a bucket down to the beach and just scoop the stuff up for free.
guiltypleasures ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 16:00:57 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Ahhhh, the old Reddit fish-a-roo!
ExtremelyLongButtock ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 16:07:18 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Hold my Nemo, I'm goin' in!
danisnotfunny ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:50:11 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Was I implying that I wouldn't get it?
Rugged_as_fuck ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 04:39:36 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
They definitely do that but in this case I was thinking in terms of small river fishing. Their uniforms are green for more than just "tree police." I used to be friends with one that would leave his vehicle parked on trout stocking day and creep around in the woods. By the time he came up on you he already knew you had more than your limit even if you were hiding them.
I don't fuck around with licenses. That license fee is a drop in the bucket compared to the fines and ass-pain coming for you if you get caught illegally hunting or fishing. You get caught taking a bear without a license and you'll be lucky if you're not sitting in a cell, nevermind ever getting your firearm/bow back or ever being allowed to hunt or fish again.
rickjamesdean ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 04:26:16 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Plenty of people go boating with tackle on board and don't fish. What state are you from?
Rugged_as_fuck ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 04:48:10 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I was talking about bank fishing on a river or lake which seemed like what OP was talking about. If you have a rod in your hand even if your line isn't in the water they can make the argument you were fishing or definitely intended to. Then, as I said in another comment, they tend to watch you before they come get you anyway unless you somehow saw them first, which means you'd be crazy to have the rod in your hand without a license anyway.
Having your gear safely stowed in your boat or in your vehicle is perfectly fine. Having it in your hand and then saying "oops I forgot I didn't have a license, I was just about to put this away and leave" when the warden comes up on you isn't gonna fly though.
rickjamesdean ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 05:35:23 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)*
As far as I'm aware the law here says you have to have a line in the water to be considered fishing.
Edit: deleted my entire explanation.
Edit 2: because this is a joke thread, not a fishing thread.
rickjamesdean ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 04:23:27 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
From my understanding and experience, if you don't have a line in the water you're not fishing.
I grew up fishing with my grandfather. He took me fishing so that any fish that he caught he would say that they were mine and he was just teaching his grandson how to fish. He grew up very rural and pretty much survived off the land, so he never got a license. He would have me watch out for wardens. He taught me if a warden comes by to just bite my line. Meaning if you don't have a line in the water, you're not fishing. I always get my license so I never worried about it. I went fishing with my buddies years later. The warden was approaching us on his boat. I told my buddy, "bite your line." He didn't know what I was talking about. He got caught with his line in the water without a licence. He was all upset about not knowing what I meant. I thought it was fairly obvious. He got fined and I had a good laugh.
[deleted] ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 08:42:19 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
You've never actually been in a position where you needed to get away with something, have you?
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 14:32:29 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)*
[deleted]
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:35:03 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Because nobody would believe you if you said that, and it sounds like a lie a child would come up with.
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:48:45 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
[deleted]
[deleted] ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 22:40:40 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Spoken like someone who has never had to deal with any type of law enforcement.
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 23:06:06 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
[deleted]
[deleted] ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 23:08:54 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Like
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 23:22:43 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
[deleted]
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:32:52 on February 14, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
What are you talking about? I don't give a fuck what your life is like.
clickwhistle ยท 9 points ยท Posted at 03:37:12 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Interviewer: "So, LTG Reinwald, what are you going to do with these young boys on their adventure holiday?"
LTG Reinwald: "We're going to teach them climbing, canoeing, archery, and shooting."
Interviewer: "Shooting! That's a bit irresponsible, isn't it?"
LTG Reinwald: "I don't see why, they'll be properly supervised on the range."
Interviewer: "Don't you admit that this is a terribly dangerous activity to be teaching children?"
LTG Reinwald: "I don't see how, we will be teaching them proper range discipline before they even touch a firearm."
Interviewer: "But you're equipping them to become violent killers."
LTG Reinwald: "Well, you're equipped to be a prostitute, but you're not one, are you?"
(Snopes says the above is not a true story)
Dastardlydoom ยท 7 points ยท Posted at 00:42:55 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Love it I am laughing right now ๐
TBoarder ยท 8 points ยท Posted at 02:12:15 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)*
And how long before this appears on Tumblr as a completely serious story?
Frashmastergland ยท 8 points ยท Posted at 02:46:33 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Followed by onlookers standing up and clapping and everyone giving each other smug knowing glances and a mother looking down at her little daughter and saying "see honey, that's how a real woman acts"
AwesomelyHumble ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 02:56:13 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
The posted on Reddit in /r/thathappened
Around-town ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:37:12 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
That's silly, there are no adults on tumblr.
smoothlikeLando ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 04:16:34 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
That one had some zing, cajun-style!
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:16:28 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
[deleted]
sylvaing ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 11:39:35 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Yep :-)
MxM111 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:27:41 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
This really sounds like a beginning of a porn movie...
Uncouth_Troglodyte ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 09:47:05 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
......
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:33:57 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
dark
crack_a_toe_ah ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:47:06 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
"Women" is plural. One womAn, many womEn.
Fap2theBeat ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 06:24:38 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
That's a good joke, but the typos, including misusing "women" and "than", made reading it annoying.
Ltdslip ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 02:52:09 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
You sick fuck!
Francis-Hates-You ยท 199 points ยท Posted at 18:18:47 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)*
...I don't get this one
Edit: Thanks, everyone.
wlwest82 ยท 633 points ยท Posted at 18:32:27 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
The fisherman tricks the game warden into allowing him to get rid of the evidence, thereby getting out of the citation.
TacoFugitive ยท 483 points ยท Posted at 20:30:04 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
but.... if you throw away the fish after you get the citation, there's still no evidence. you can get a citation just based on an officer's testimony, no evidence required.
i mean, yeah, I know, killing the joke, blah blah- but this is so obvious that it took me a while to even figure out what the joke was supposed to be.
Elin_Woods_9iron ยท 26 points ยท Posted at 00:35:11 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Fun story, game wardens in the US have more power than most cops and most of the government agencies. they can confiscate and hold your guns for indefinite periods of time, and can detain you or search your vehicle with much less probable cause than a regular cop. The DNR doesn't fuck around.
Elitist_Plebeian ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 04:03:15 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
How are they exempt from the fourth amendment?
livin4donuts ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 14:29:38 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
No Government agencies are, they just all steamroll it differently.
RadioGuy2k ยท 532 points ยท Posted at 22:41:25 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
You must be pun at a farty.
vaguelyannounced ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 02:02:10 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
this us beautiful and i shall use it. i hope this is original. shall i cite you as my source? thanks in advance
SurprisedPotato ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 00:29:29 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Sharting on all the jokes, right.
NoiceOne ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 00:50:34 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Somebody bit the shed here
-lTNA ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:31:55 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Thats no shed
Nesnesitelna ยท 9 points ยท Posted at 00:11:27 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Testimony is evidence, but yeah, no physical evidence.
legosexual ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:37:32 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Right. The joke would actually be funny if he said he's taking a picture as evidence or something. In this context, it left me with the same question of not understanding if I got the joke or if there was a deeper reason it was funny, which there wasn't.
APointlessDuck ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:43:29 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
This joke doesnt hold up in laugh court
cmc360 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:19:21 on February 16, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I've heard a version at a nightclub that might make more sense. A bouncer storms into a toilet cubicle to catch a guy sniffing coke off the toilet seat. The bouncer says "Pick up those drugs, and come with me to talk to the police outside" The guy replies "These arn't drugs, its a magic trick, I can throw this bag down the toilet and they reappear in my pocket" The bouncer doesn't believe him and says "Well I don't believe this, go on then, amaze me!" So he throws the bag down the toilet and flushes the chain. "Ok so show me the drugs in your pocket" Guy: "What drugs?"
TacoFugitive ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:35:36 on February 16, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Yep, that fixes the flaws in the original.
[deleted] ยท -9 points ยท Posted at 22:46:27 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Probably because you're thinking way too much.
Hey_im_miles ยท -6 points ยท Posted at 23:45:20 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
you cant kill it, it is not a joke, it is a poorly told anecdote about tricking someone.
kotkaiser ยท -1 points ยท Posted at 04:39:23 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Jesus fucking christ.
[deleted] ยท -31 points ยท Posted at 22:26:01 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
[deleted]
TacoFugitive ยท 52 points ยท Posted at 22:43:55 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Seriously? I mean, I like a good joke as much as the next guy,
A guy got pulled over speeding and said "But officer, my car is in park now, the evidence is gone, so you have to let me go. Haha, I outsmarted you." It's not funny, it's just dumb.
butth0lez ยท 20 points ยท Posted at 23:42:58 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
That was actually pretty funny.
PyrZern ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:49:25 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
That's why some polices use those speed meter thingy.
OldJoeInWoods ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:36:16 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
You should actually start writing jokes more often. That's pretty funny
farmtownsuit ยท -4 points ยท Posted at 22:49:21 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)*
Well I don't know much about fishing laws, but in basically any criminal offense, the burden is still on the state to prove the crime occurred. In a traffic situation there is supposed to be footage provided by the cop if challenged in court, if cop doesn't provide the footage, there's nothing to convict with.
EDIT: I tried to google this to back up my statement but I can't. I'm probably wrong.
I imagine it's the same here. The cop could write the fisherman the citation, but then in court the fisherman says "no I didn't" and when the court turns to the state for it's evidence, there is none.
sadate ยท 12 points ยท Posted at 23:00:56 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
The testimony of an officer of the law is typically enough proof. How did they issue speeding tickets before dash cams?
Disclaimer: not saying it's right or wrong, just stating how the world works.
farmtownsuit ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 23:54:28 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Yeah, it was one of those I thought I remember reading or hearing from reputable that they had to have actual proof of the speeding, but I was wrong.
After the first person questioned me I looked it up, saw I was wrong, and edited my post accordingly.
sadate ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:05:44 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
You may be thinking of the fact that the officer has to be present at the court date. If the officer fails to show up then it gets thrown out because his testimony is the only proof. It's a pretty good gamble to take speeding tickets to court. Cops hate showing up as much as you do, and if they don't you are off the hook.
ACrispWinterDay ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 22:51:28 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I've known plenty of people who challenged traffic tickets, and I've never heard of cops supplying video evidence.
sadate ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 22:58:54 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
you must be original at parties
ImInSolitude ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 10:04:08 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Wait but when do the fish jump back in the bucket?
brperry ยท 33 points ยท Posted at 18:36:50 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Since the threw all the fish back into the lake there is no proof he was poaching.
NobilisUltima ยท 39 points ยท Posted at 18:32:49 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
The game warden won't be able to prove the man was fishing illegally, as he has no proof now that the fish are gone.
Hey_im_miles ยท -3 points ยท Posted at 23:45:45 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
so its not so much a joke as it is just a thing someone said.
Sadsharks ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 00:58:15 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
And the thing they said happened to be a joke.
PM_ME_coded_msgs ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 02:40:42 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Sounds like the one about flushing weed.
Dastardlydoom ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:43:54 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Yep it does ๐ณ๐
zakw89 ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 02:57:49 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Reminds me of a different fishing joke:
A man goes out fishing with dynamite and the game warden tries confronting him. The man of course denies this crazy accusation and invites the warden to join him the next day to prove it. The next day, the warden joins the man in the middle of the lake to go fishing. Sure enough, the first thing the man does is takes out a stick of dynamite, lights it, and throws it in the lake. Of course, the game warden starts freaking out saying "What are you doing, you can't do that!" So, the man calmly pulls out another stick of dynamite, hands it to the warden and says "Are you gonna talk, or are you gonna fish?"
Dastardlydoom ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 03:03:16 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Love it I am using that one with my kids for our joke off!!!๐
Groovz ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 06:41:46 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I feel like a dolt, but I don't get it.
Dastardlydoom ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 14:32:58 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
That is ok. :)
PeteNoKnownLastName ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 01:19:09 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
For some reason I read the officer's lines in an Irish accent.
Dastardlydoom ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 01:23:11 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
That would sound cool. I like Irish coffee, yum . ๐
GeraldBWilsonJr ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 02:48:02 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Hey guys I have a GREAT idea
Let's fuck with DNR!
Dastardlydoom ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:50:37 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Hmm?
Dastardlydoom ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:52:14 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
๐
nuropath ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 03:36:54 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I feel like this should be a family guy cut-away.
Dastardlydoom ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 04:07:04 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Yes it would work. ๐
Thethoughtful1 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 06:28:30 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)*
A pet fish
Dastardlydoom ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 14:35:41 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
That is awesome! Loved the gif . ๐
Scarletfapper ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 11:43:30 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I read this and immediately thought of Pan's Labyrinth.
Dastardlydoom ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 14:37:27 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Love the movie do you? ๐
Scarletfapper ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 15:20:26 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Oh absolutely. That poacher scene just melts my heart every time.
Dastardlydoom ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 15:22:31 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Oh he doesn't let the fish go? Oh no tasty fish.
Scarletfapper ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:58:03 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Well he does let the poacher go... I think...
Excription ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 15:30:33 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Best joke of subreddit 2016.
sscutchen ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 19:18:02 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Game warden suspects a fisherman of fishing illegally, so he hires him as a guide. Sure enough, they get to a secuded part of the lake and the fisherman takes out a stick of dynamite, lights it, tosses it overboard, and BAMโฆ starts scooping up fish with a net.
Warden pulls his badge and says, โThatโs it, Iโm arresting you for illegal fishing.โ
Fisherman takes out another stick, lights it and tosses it to the warden.
โYou gonna talk? Or fish?"
Dastardlydoom ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:20:23 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Love it ! :)
MrQuinzel ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:57:49 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
AH SHIT I gotta remember this one. I know a couple guys at work that would lose their shit over this joke.
emmyset23 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 11:15:30 on February 14, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
WHY IS THIS FUNNY
passwordgoeshere ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:52:02 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Wouldn't his "pet" fish all be dead?
Dastardlydoom ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 01:00:21 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Depends.. I don't know I wasn't there ๐
Dastardlydoom ยท 144 points ยท Posted at 17:06:43 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
what do sea monsters eat? fish and ships
LucidaBright ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 02:55:15 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I had to write down a joke for school when I was very young. I wrote this one and the teacher corrected my spelling to make it say "fish and chips"!! She ruined the joke :(
Dastardlydoom ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 03:06:32 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Oh no not fair! My son told me that one, we do a joke off he or my daughter wins most of he time but once in awhile I do.๐
Ironcymru ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 07:47:34 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Oh dear. I teach a 2nd language English class and this joke was in the book. Trying to explain why it is funny is just so awful. Those poor students looks so expectantly at me... 'Oh... Is that is?' they said.... I still have nightmares.
skippyMETS ยท 6234 points ยท Posted at 14:42:45 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
What's orange and sounds like a parrot?
A carrot.
gizzardgullet ยท 3899 points ยท Posted at 15:23:25 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
My six year old is going to be dazed tonight after I drop these jokes on her. I might be able to take down my whole family with all this material.
newloaf ยท 2040 points ยท Posted at 17:53:05 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Later that evening: "Why isn't anyone laughing? This stuff is gold. Forget it, I still like it even if no one else has a sense of humor."
fuuuuuuuuuuuck216 ยท 2707 points ยท Posted at 20:01:46 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
"Am I so out of touch? No... it's the children who are wrong."
PacoTaco321 ยท 171 points ยท Posted at 00:55:21 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
How do I reach these keedz?
Baked_Bacon_420 ยท 13 points ยท Posted at 02:34:16 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Fucking loved that episode of south park.
Dino_Guy ยท -1 points ยท Posted at 07:09:43 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
By screaming:
WHAT ARE THOOOOOOOSE!
Kids are fucking dumb.
OrShUnderscore ยท 28 points ยท Posted at 23:50:31 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
please do not touch the children
[deleted] ยท 35 points ยท Posted at 00:16:24 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Would someone please stop thinking of the children.
colonialsprinkle ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 03:07:10 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Just leave them behind.
aaronwanders ยท 12 points ยท Posted at 01:15:05 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
"SKINNNNNER!"
wildmetacirclejerk ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 03:53:09 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
People have been saying this Simpsons quote quite a few times today
Namika ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 04:26:50 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Ironically, the quote is timeless.
protoknuckles ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 05:55:23 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Perhaps my favorite Simpsons line.
musolff92 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:09:58 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I'm sorry, are you a US politician?
JuanDiegoMontoya ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 02:50:27 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
/r/fellowkids
[deleted] ยท 492 points ยท Posted at 19:40:37 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)*
[deleted]
socialhazard ยท 7 points ยท Posted at 02:01:24 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I've never handed out so many upvotes at one time. Bravo all of you magnificent bastards!
Often_Downvoted ยท 9 points ยท Posted at 00:31:52 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Break out the Ovaltine jokes!
[deleted] ยท 14 points ยท Posted at 00:40:35 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
The mug is round... The jar is round... They should call it roundtine!
SkrublordPrime ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 03:07:18 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Ovals are kinda round
f3lip3 ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 06:33:59 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I'm killing Jerry, I killed!
fidelitysyndrom ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 13:40:38 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Damn it Bania, stop stealing jokes!
futurebillandted ยท 10 points ยท Posted at 01:49:09 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Gold you say? What's gold and sounds like a pirate?
Pyrite!
Kiiid ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 22:16:02 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
"Go to bed dad."
blay12 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:07:53 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
"What? Who's 'Bed Dad'?"
BeskedneElgen ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 04:50:51 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Who? Or "Where???" Wait... isn't that the Capital of Iraq at night?
VincentHart ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:40:59 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I always knew fathers were the super villains of their family with these jokes.
"After I unleash these jokes, my family will NEVER recover, mauahahahahahaha!!!"
Tanks4me ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:13:45 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
No it's not. Carrots are orange.
PrivilegeCheckmate ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:11:51 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Maybe if you untied them...and they weren't all year-old corpses.
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:47:06 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
No one got gold for it, so it is not gold
evilbrent ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:50:37 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
You are not be a dad if you would be held back by something as inconsequential as no-one in your family wanting to hear your jokes or think they're funny
HellfireKyuubi ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 04:59:53 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
"It literally has gold on Reddit! What is wrong with you people?"
timndime ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 06:08:15 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Even later: Unfunny dad feels depressed. Heads to the backyard with a shovel to start his grave
idislikeapple ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 09:07:27 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Gold.... reddit gold
dylsexic_man ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 11:34:20 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I wish all this stuff was gold, free reddit gold for everyone.
sad sigh
CakeAndDonuts ยท 524 points ยท Posted at 18:19:50 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
My 7 year old is currently in stitches as I read these to her.
nolanator ยท 901 points ยท Posted at 18:23:36 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Get well soon
remigiop ยท 8 points ยท Posted at 21:56:31 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Jokes are cutting her up.
ProfessorMisanthrope ยท 13 points ยท Posted at 02:20:09 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
My god there's blood everywhere.
JimmyGOATroppolo ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 03:41:31 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
this is the only thing in this whole thread that's made me laugh
OfficialMakkyZ ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 03:53:31 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Best post on this whole thread
anwoods ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 04:17:16 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
This has been the funniest line I've read so far.
MechanicalTurkish ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 23:53:20 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Get well, get well soon. We want you to get well!
webchip ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 02:03:26 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I made a carrot cake......
Graphedmaster ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 02:08:28 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
What is invisible and smells like carrots?
Rabbit farts
MechanicalTurkish ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 02:36:12 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I'm really looking for something pre-War...
you_got_fragged ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 04:16:08 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
C-C-C-CARROT CAKE...
calicotrinket ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 04:54:17 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Me too thanks
CatAstrophy11 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:19:58 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Ssh bby is okay
Thanh42 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 07:19:20 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
http://explosm.net/comics/4192/
[deleted] ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 01:38:03 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
What do ninjas drink? WHA-TAH
TheFreshOne ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 20:20:01 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
That's sad. How many did she get?
CakeAndDonuts ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 20:41:40 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Twenty three. They're the ones that will just absorb over time so it's not much of a traumatic experience. Drugs help.
Sthurlangue ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 23:01:19 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
She shouldn't have snitched just kidding get well soon!
[deleted] ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 13:55:49 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Yeah, they can help numb you to the stress of listening to the kid whining all day.
notquiteotaku ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 01:27:33 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
And thus, the dad jokes begin.
TeniBear ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 17:00:05 on June 4, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Is she okay now?
Mikal_Scott ยท 7 points ยท Posted at 04:46:26 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
So I wanted to tell this to my 4 year old. I wasn't sure if she knew what a parrot was so I asked her if she knows what a parrot is. She said no. So I go through the trouble of googling parrots to show her and she goes "Oh, that's the birds that pirates have!" Then we spend the next 5 minutes or so watching parrots on youtube talk.
Get her ready for bed and put her in bed. Now is the time to lay down this epic joke.
Me: What's orange and sounds like a parrot?
Her: hmm...a carrot?
ARRGGGG!!! All that effort to tell the joke and she guessed the answer, correctly.
wantynotneedy ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 06:10:00 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
But at least you win at parenting.
brazenxbull ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 02:52:03 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Next time you're backing up in the car, sigh with a smile and say "aaah, this really takes me back."
(I can't wait to be a dad)
[deleted] ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 01:32:30 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Dad jokes are measured by the levels of pain and embarrassment your humor inflicts upon your family.
Godspeed to you, sir. May they writhe in agony.
yoeric91 ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 18:33:28 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Dad?
gizzardgullet ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:36:06 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)*
I can't confirm this without more information.
This should verify: how many times have I told you to turn the dang light off after you leave a room?
yoeric91 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 18:44:05 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
No dad, not the belt!
gizzardgullet ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 18:53:15 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Sorry, the correct answer was "probably a million" or "whatever". Good luck in finding your real dad.
FastBlade ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 21:42:16 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
No dad, not the
beltjumper cables! FTFYglisp42 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 03:39:42 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I read threads like this to stock up on jokes for work then I dole them out over the next few months.
mred870 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:08:34 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Is your family mormon?
bacondev ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:30:01 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
"Haha. That was pretty funny. I could have sworn that I've read it before, but I can't remember where I reddit."
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:42:20 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
i think your daughter is autistic..
MeatbombMedic ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:56:34 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Pace yourself, mate. A slow burn is the way to go with this.
FuriousDark ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 08:56:55 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
If the jokes don't land then transition into 'The Aristocrats'
DangerousPuhson ยท 1080 points ยท Posted at 19:37:18 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Close to my personal favorite:
What's brown and sticky?
A stick.
Glitch29 ยท 1414 points ยท Posted at 21:53:44 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
What's brown and rhymes with snoop?
Dr. Dre.
The_Dennis_Committee ยท 431 points ยท Posted at 01:32:25 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
What's brown and runny?
Usain Bolt.
weedful_things ยท 17 points ยท Posted at 04:53:53 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I just asked my wife the 'rhymes with snoop' riddle and had to tell her the answer. Then I asked her this one and she guessed 'Run DMC'. Her answer was better than yours. That's what she said.
PigHaggerty ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:14:56 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Damn, that is good. Now I can't decide which punchline to use!
mourning_dove ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 05:47:37 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
What's brown and funny? Chris Rock
[deleted] ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 06:05:12 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Well the answer certainly isn't Sherrod Small.
OriginalDankster ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 15:48:52 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
What's green and killy? Waaaaagh!!
imnotgoats ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 01:17:55 on February 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
What's hard and rocky?
Sylvester Stallone.
Scarletfapper ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 11:45:58 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
It's right there in his name.
JustAGamer1947 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 14:29:01 on May 8, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Dude, just had a good laugh at this. Thanks!
PickYourSelfBackUp ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 04:53:02 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Whats brown and a butthole?
Kanye West.
Beinglewd ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:41:53 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
What's brown and blows up the middle east?
Barack Obama
Lysaer- ยท 42 points ยท Posted at 01:08:55 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
More an audio joke...
What's hard and Rocky?
Sylvester Stallone.
[deleted] ยท 21 points ยท Posted at 01:33:41 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Whats pink and slippery?
A slipper.
gnorty ยท 7 points ยท Posted at 02:40:12 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
What's pink and fluffy?
Pink fluff.
IAMA_dragon-AMA ยท 8 points ยท Posted at 04:44:39 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
What's red and smells like paint?
Red paint.
What's blue and smells like paint?
Red paint in disguise.
tokumeikibo ยท 27 points ยท Posted at 01:19:53 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Why does Snoop carry an umbrella?
Fo' Drizzle Mah Nizzle.
you_got_fragged ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 04:16:49 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Because there was a 95% chance of rain.
SirSandGoblin ยท 10 points ยท Posted at 02:27:27 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
When you consider the necessity of brevity in the overarching quality of a joke, it may be worth me myself pointing out to you that your joke could very easily be ended at the half way point there, my darling dearest, at least with regards to that which is the punchline
Kedrico ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 04:28:25 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Yeah, Ive always told this one simply as "Fo' drizzle."
LarcieJar ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 02:33:52 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
So...how many thesauruses do you own?
SirSandGoblin ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 02:36:17 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Yeh that's sort of the joke yeh
LarcieJar ยท -4 points ยท Posted at 02:51:09 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
ah, carry on.
But you may want to add a sarc mark. (/s)
redditkindasuckshuh ยท 7 points ยท Posted at 03:26:43 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
No
LarcieJar ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 03:33:59 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
okay then.
thektulu7 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 05:31:55 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I'm glad we've cleared that up.
SirSandGoblin ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 09:31:23 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Nmp
glisp42 ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 03:40:31 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
How does Lady Gaga like her meat? Raw raw raw raw raw
BlissnHilltopSentry ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:31:29 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
As a dress?
UltiMatthew ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 03:50:42 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
What's brown and runny?
Usain Bolt
rhymes_with_snoop ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 09:16:10 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Someone always gets to this joke before me.
sipes216 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 04:03:22 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Ok, this caught me off guard. Haha
goshin2568 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 04:34:31 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
First one in this thread that made me laugh out loud. So unexpected
teejaymc ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 04:40:06 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Ohhhhhhhh my God I only just got this joke.
PerpetuallyMeh ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 07:04:59 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
This is one of those times I wish I had more than one upvote to give
chimchar66 ยท 11 points ยท Posted at 22:22:18 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
What's brown and runny?
Usain Bolt.
jenntasticxx ยท 7 points ยท Posted at 01:58:48 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
What's invisible and smells like carrots?
Bunny Farts.
youcantseeme0_0 ยท 7 points ยท Posted at 02:03:54 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
What's a foot long and slippery?
A slipper.
horsenbuggy ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:24:02 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I wouldn't call this G rated. In order to get it you have to understand the double-entendre.
twixe ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 06:03:13 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Could've been a snake or a worm, so G works.
tbudd ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 01:49:45 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
My Beyonce calendar.
skippyMETS ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 19:58:40 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Alan Davies?
ManBearPig1865 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:48:18 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Must be.
helgaofthenorth ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 02:52:47 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
This one has made me laugh the loudest so far. It's so stupid, I love it.
Cyborg_Nate ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 03:51:55 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Then follow it up with "What's red and sticky? That bloody stick again."
Krendyll ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 04:24:49 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
What's red and sticky?
It's that bloody stick again.
megman13 ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 04:47:07 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
What's red and sticky?
The same bloody stick!
jessica_hobbit ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 04:54:11 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
What's a foot long and slippery?
A slipper.
redditsfulloffiction ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 02:51:02 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Nice work...I have posted this joke several times on reddit and never gotten anything but downvotes out of it.
my favorite joke, G-rated or not...
CptJeanLucPeculiar ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 03:06:33 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
That one never gets old.
thektulu7 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 05:30:27 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I crack up at that one every time.
Every. Time.
ThePowerOfStories ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:55:53 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Also, a brownie.
spellmaster101 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:39:23 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
ahahahaa my new favourite, gonna enter all the parties with this one
RootForTheVillains ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:32:34 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Anal sex
MakeltStop ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 07:02:01 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
What's brown and sounds like a bell?
Dung.
carmium ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 08:28:58 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Improved version: What do you find on the ground that's brown and sticky?
Clydefrogredrobin ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 13:41:29 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Aww you took mine!
YepImGonnaDoIt ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 02:48:40 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
My teenagers didn't approve of either of these jokes. I don't know what's wrong with them, they're brilliant. The jokes are awesome too.
Unit88 ยท 39 points ยท Posted at 17:02:50 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I think this is the first time I actually got the joke. A carrot usually was just the answer that immediately came to my mind so I never really thought about why it was supposed to be funny :D
bumberclart ยท 17 points ยท Posted at 17:16:41 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Oh. Care to enlighten the slow?
Unit88 ยท 41 points ยท Posted at 17:18:26 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
The word carrot sounds a lot like the word parrot, after all only the first letter is different :D And a carrot is obviously orange, but I don't think I need to mention that :D
BubbaFunk ยท 14 points ยท Posted at 18:52:10 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Some carrots are purple.
ajani57 ยท 26 points ยท Posted at 21:09:56 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
One at every party.
[deleted] ยท 12 points ยท Posted at 21:32:43 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
[deleted]
skippyMETS ยท 22 points ยท Posted at 21:55:45 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
#NotAllCarrots
rgf5048 ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 23:59:17 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
/#AllCarrotsMatter
Unit88 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 21:12:31 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I'm sorry
dgnarus ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 22:47:04 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Yeah, and some black people are albino, what's your point?
bumberclart ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 17:46:56 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Yeh but is there anything else it could be or is it just carrot because it's so simple it's funny?
JPong ยท 14 points ยท Posted at 18:33:38 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
When someone makes the comparison of "sounds like" they are usually indicating the sound that thing makes not the word. If you wanted to compare the word, you would say "sounds like the word". People don't expect carrot because they are too busy of thinking what sounds a parrot makes and what could be similar to them.
kerrykerrykerry1 ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 19:53:24 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I also think it is funny because carrots aren't really known for making any noise.
So to suggest that a carrot sounds like anything is ludicrous, especially a bird known for squawking.
eqleriq ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 01:19:45 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
It's the difference between a joke and a question.
What's yellow and sounds like a parrot? Some species of cockatiel.
Unit88 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:55:01 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
You could probably make a very similar joke with something else that's pronounced similar to a parrot
Hugo154 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:30:02 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
What's red-orange and sounds like an asian person saying "parrot"?
A shallot.
Only_Movie_Titles ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 19:38:39 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
:D
Gokuschka ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 20:18:52 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
:D
[deleted] ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 17:39:08 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D
eqleriq ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:17:56 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
How did you not get the joke before?
Unit88 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 12:18:57 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Well, that comment explains it. Whenever I heard the question I immediately thought carrot was the answer, so I never thought about why it was a joke
DoWhile ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 01:20:17 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
An orange parrot.
[deleted] ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 01:53:30 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Skippy pls I've been seeing you everywhere lately
skippyMETS ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:18:43 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
No u.
boneykamikazi ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 01:26:32 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
This is close to my favorite joke.
What's invisible and smells like carrots?
Bunny farts!
JGatz7 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 05:10:34 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
My girlfriend threatened to break up with me over that joke.
I have no regrets.
mkfbcofzd ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:31:24 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
That's more like a riddle
DenormalHuman ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:43:11 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Why are there no painkillers in the jungle?
Because the parrots 'et 'em all.
paracetamol...
Morningxafter ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:49:03 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
What's brown and rhymes with "snoop"?
Dr. Dre
PrinceofallRabbits ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:58:59 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
What's brown and sticky?
A stick.
Pyrple ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:00:05 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
What did one snowman say to the other snowman? snif Does it smell like carrots to you?
djc6535 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:23:17 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
There's a Monty Python joke like this: what's brown and sounds like a bell?
Dunnnnnngggg
The_dev0 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:40:14 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
My 8 year old LOVES that joke. Her other favorite: What's brown and sticky? A stick.
jigokusabre ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:55:24 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)*
What's loud and sounds like apples?
APPLES!!
EatsPeanutButter ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:57:02 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Ha. When my daughter was 3, we were at the zoo and I pointed out "the beautiful parrot." She looked up expectantly, frowned, and told me in the most disappointed tone, "That's not a carrot.." I don't know why but I died laughing. I still laugh every time I remember it. So, I love your joke.
RockofStrength ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:15:28 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
It's funny how the top post in these threads is always the only joke I haven't seen to death.
NoSurrendo ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:25:44 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
My two year old started laughing at the question!
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:26:35 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Nikki Minaj
radrico ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:53:25 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Whats brown and rhymes with Snoop.
Dre.
lurgi ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:57:55 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
What's green and smells like red paint?
Green paint.
lOcOdream ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 04:04:54 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Typically when I tell my dad jokes, my dad laughs.
GoldenTreasureDiver ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 04:14:37 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
PG rated twist: That ain't a carrot.
Voidwarlock ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 04:14:39 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
What's orange and sounds like a parrot?
An orange parrot
moeru_gumi ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 04:17:13 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I used to tell this joke to my ferret, but I asked him what is orange and sounds like a ferret. Or what's furry and sounds like a parrot. You can go many directions with this, the point is it always stumped him.
MattwithTheD ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 04:39:06 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
How does Moses make his tea?
Hebrews it.
mooseKaboose ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 04:52:29 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
What's red and smells like blue paint?
Red paint
Gutterflame ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 04:59:18 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
What's red and invisible?
No tomatoes.
REGibson ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 06:14:17 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I told my boss (a notoriously bad joke-teller) this one. She lived it and wanted to tell it to her daughter. I made her rehearse it until I thought she had it down pat. Next day she came in and said, "I asked my daughter 'What's orange and makes a noise like a parrot?'"
MrCoughy1977 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 06:26:45 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
What's brown and rhymes with snoop? .......Dr. Dre
KnobbsNoise ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 09:23:36 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
What's brown and sounds like a bell?
DUNNNGGGGGGG!!!!!!
Flashgit76 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 11:05:46 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
And now in danish:
Hvad er orange og lyder som en papegรธje?
En gulerod.
I'll see myself out...
radherring ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 11:57:34 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
What's red and smells like blue paint? Red paint.
maaloc ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 12:46:54 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Similar. What's brown and sound like a bell? Dung
745631258978963214 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 04:50:11 on March 8, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
An orange coutre (sp?)
wakenbacons ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 19:58:58 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
What's brown and sticky?
A stick!
Dastardlydoom ยท 3314 points ยท Posted at 15:17:28 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
What do you call a sleepwalking nun? A roamin' catholic
kanoe170 ยท 1406 points ยท Posted at 00:01:44 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
What do you call a nun in a wheelchair?
Virgin mobile
Bedpanjockey ยท 339 points ยท Posted at 02:00:18 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Hey, thats not keeping it G-rated!
ragn4rok234 ยท 26 points ยท Posted at 04:27:31 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Catholicism really isn't
[deleted] ยท 9 points ยท Posted at 05:22:00 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
It's main book, the "Bible", is even banned in certain countries; yet read to children still. Nobody is SAFE.
americandream1159 ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 05:22:56 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Why is Bible in quotes?
Mechakoopa ยท 10 points ยท Posted at 07:38:29 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Failed application of APA style guidlines? Unless he considers the bible a shorter work.
Source: Joshua M. Paiz, Elizabeth Angeli, Jodi Wagner, Elena Lawrick, Kristen Moore, Michael Anderson, Lars Soderlund, Allen Brizee, Russell Keck (2014-11-11). APA Formatting and Style Guide, In-Text Citations: The Basics.
Retrieved from https://owl.english.purdue.edu/owl/resource/560/02/
americandream1159 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 20:54:51 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Holy shit, dude. Unnecessary, but relevant. I think the joke was that it's a work of fiction.
[deleted] ยท -4 points ยท Posted at 05:26:22 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
[deleted]
americandream1159 ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 05:32:23 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Huh. Chill out, dude. I was jus asking. For what it's worth, I was always taught to underline books. I don't really give half a shit about whatever agenda you're trying to push. Jus asking a question.
Btw, *its and you have an improper use of a semicolon.
[deleted] ยท -4 points ยท Posted at 05:38:22 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I'm chill bra, just talking shit as per usual; it being the intertubes and all. You also forgot a "'" in it's ya doofus! :p
CrazybyRX ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 05:58:10 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I'm calmer then you are dude.
americandream1159 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:40:22 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Oh. Now I feel like an asshole.
Doofus is such a great word. It looks and sounds like what a doofus is.
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:44:00 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
you're not an asshole, you're a redditor; somebody who contributes, argues, and probably is really loved and laid often by somebody super hot. or you're a neckbeard. but either way, i think you're cool, man. i felt like we grew together today.
americandream1159 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 04:57:12 on February 16, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Jus saw this today. Sarcastic or nay, it's hella funny. Upvote.
mdsw ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 11:14:18 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Sure it is, there wasn't any sex.
St_Bernardus ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:41:34 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
YEA JAYDEN CAN'T HANDLE THIS!
raphbo ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:57:17 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
It is, because it would go over a kid's head. Like every g rated movie, there's always some adult humor.
Thats-WhatShe-Said_ ยท 66 points ยท Posted at 04:04:19 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Two nuns are riding their bikes through the back streets of Rome. The first looks around, turns to the second and says, "Sister, I don't think I've ever come this way before!"
The second says, "It's the cobblestones."
[deleted] ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 15:08:13 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Here's a similar one. It's more effective when spoken out loud but even then hardly anyone gets it.
Two nuns are sitting in a bathtub. One says to the other, "Where's the soap?"
The other says, "It does, doesn't it?"
Thats-WhatShe-Said_ ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 15:44:31 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Yeah, whoosh
[deleted] ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 16:08:07 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Where's sounds like wears as in "masturbating with soap wears down the soap."
Thats-WhatShe-Said_ ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:17:14 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Oh man I never would have gotten there
ihahp ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 10:25:36 on February 15, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
sounds like it's taken from a shitty british sketch show
satanicleaftailgecko ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 06:23:56 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
ELI5?
advocate_devils ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 06:26:15 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Orgasms from the cobblestones.
deusy ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 06:33:28 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
The vibrations from riding over the bumpy cobblestones makes the nun orgasm.
shortyjacobs ยท 30 points ยท Posted at 04:02:53 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Not G-Rated:
What do you call a nun on top of a clown, having sex?
Virgin on the ridiculous.
Shitmusiclistener ยท 8 points ยท Posted at 05:21:03 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
That's fucking funny.
Timesnap421 ยท 19 points ยท Posted at 05:23:01 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
So is the nun
rote_it ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 04:26:12 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I'm 14 and I thought this thread was G rated
Skulder ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 04:45:58 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
If it's not g-rated, then what do you call a one legged nun?
Hopalong chastity.
eleanor61 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 02:34:23 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Yes! I'll have to remember this to add to the "Roamin' Catholic" joke.
[deleted] ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 02:46:29 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
What do you call a nun riding a horse?
JeremyR22 ยท 10 points ยท Posted at 03:29:34 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I don't know. What do you call a nun riding a horse?
Helios-Apollo ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 05:03:52 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Intrepid, I suppose.
Dastardlydoom ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 00:05:55 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Oh my love it LOL โบ๏ธ
Mackelroy_aka_Stitch ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 11:32:32 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
What do you call a nun in the sea?
Mary, and she can't swim.
i_hope_i_remember ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 11:41:44 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
What do you call a nun on a clown's back? Virgin on the ridiculous.
Thinks_Too_Logically ยท 7 points ยท Posted at 02:43:51 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
What's black and white, black and white, black and white, black and white?
A nun falling down stairs.
Dastardlydoom ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:45:08 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Love the dark side LOL ๐
netspawn ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 08:50:26 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
What's black and white and can't turn around in a hallway?
A nun with a spear through her head.
asillyname ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 22:56:14 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Bravo
Dastardlydoom ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 22:56:45 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Thank you :)
blore40 ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 01:16:18 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Someone with a very good excuse caught leaving the priest's bedroom.
Dastardlydoom ยท -2 points ยท Posted at 01:23:45 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Or not ....๐ณ๐
ashibashi ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 05:31:10 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
https://gifs.com/gif/zpnpOZ
Dastardlydoom ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 14:36:22 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Uhh don't get it....
PM_ME_SOMETHING_LEWD ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 06:25:28 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I dont get it :/
DarkNeutron ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 09:42:10 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Roaming vs Roman.
ericistheend ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 03:43:12 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Holy shit, my sides.
Dastardlydoom ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 03:44:49 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Thank you ๐
ORANGESAREBETTERTHAN ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 08:11:24 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
What do you call a priest having intercourse with a nun? A nun-active priest.
Dastardlydoom ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 14:27:26 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Oh my that made me blush, I love it! ๐๐ณ
jerseycowboy ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 01:19:19 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
What do you call a nun in a wheelchair? Virgin Mobile
Dastardlydoom ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 01:22:00 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
funny love it ๐
queenscream ยท 4298 points ยท Posted at 16:38:46 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Why does the chicken coop only have two doors? ---if it had four it would be a chicken sedan.
Rock_Me-Amadeus ยท 1242 points ยท Posted at 20:43:57 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
This is one of my favourite jokes but as a British person I always have to preface it with "for the purposes of this joke, pretend you're American"
5up3rj ยท 307 points ยท Posted at 21:25:09 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Please explain, what's the joke translated into English english?
bitter_cynical_angry ยท 882 points ยท Posted at 21:34:47 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
A two-door car is a coupe (technically "coupรฉ", from French). Americans pronounce it "coop" and British people pronounce it "coop-ay".
Rock_Me-Amadeus ยท 649 points ยท Posted at 21:38:04 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
This is correct, also we don't call them sedans, we call them saloons.
bitter_cynical_angry ยท 503 points ยท Posted at 21:43:43 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Two countries separated by a common language and all that...
JMGurgeh ยท 52 points ยท Posted at 00:07:00 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Forget it, let's just go to the saloon and get smashed.
randombits ยท 46 points ยท Posted at 01:08:40 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
"Pub" and "pissed". :)
SpruceCaboose ยท 26 points ยท Posted at 01:33:39 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Side note, in Shaun of the Dead, when taking about Mary, they changed the line "She's so pissed" to "She's so drunk" to avoid confusion from American audiences.
Gutterflame ยท 9 points ยท Posted at 05:10:50 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Met a chick from Flagstaff, AZ in my small English town. She had a diary for keeping track of her travels around. In the diary was a list of UK slang that she was adding to as she went. The number of ways we had for saying "drunk" made me consider that we, as a nation, either have a bit of a problem with alcohol or a combined genius for linguistic inventiveness.
I prefer to think it's the latter.
DontTouchTheWalrus ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 05:51:15 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Time to start a thread for all the American slang terms for drunk
3...
2...
1...
Go!
SpruceCaboose ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 06:46:34 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I'll help.
Trashed
Wasted
Drunk
Shit faced
Piss drunk
Inebriated
Gone
Blitzed
Toasted (can also mean high)
Passed out
Lit
You all can continue
sybau ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 17:39:02 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
My buddy just moved from the UK to Canada and thinks we're quite liberal with beer. Lunch beers totally threw him off.
Gutterflame ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 09:15:48 on February 14, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Respectfully, your buddy is an amateur!
Not to say that you're not liberal, just that lunch beers should not perturb any self-respecting Brit.
AutoMoberater ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 02:05:45 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I appreciate that. Although this thread explains the term "piss drunk" a bit.
SpruceCaboose ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 04:43:26 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Piss drunk is most definitely a thing here, but just saying pissed in the States generally means really mad.
[deleted] ยท -1 points ยท Posted at 03:13:35 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Let's go to the bar and get a DUI.
[deleted] ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 03:53:06 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
[deleted]
emdeema ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 05:30:56 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Drinking Under the Influence
you_got_fragged ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 04:20:03 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
"How do we get to the saloon?"
"With the saloon"
"???"
Pidgey_OP ยท 12 points ยท Posted at 02:42:48 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Two countries separated by the Atlantic Ocean...
SpreadsheetAddict ยท 18 points ยท Posted at 03:22:13 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Eddie Izzard - Languages
TomPlaysDota ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 05:21:45 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Always upvote for Eddie
[deleted] ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 05:23:47 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
My history teacher in high school told us he thought of Britain and the U.S. like time capsules or time travel.
Britain preserved its ways and continued to evolve along its same path, but the U.S. took a part of the British population and branched them off into their own alternate timeline, shaped by their environment and, almost by definition, different mindset.
To him, we shared everything up until we left, anything old enough to have stuck and develop for millennia. Everything to follow would simply be at risk of divergence.
rustybeancake ยท 7 points ยท Posted at 03:58:34 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
And a wagon becomes an 'estate'.
OhCrapImBusted ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:46:39 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Wot? Quite.
82Caff ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:00:16 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Any British name could bring you to shame, for it just may be a shibboleth.
TenTornadoes ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 10:31:29 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
OK Jed!
82Caff ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:58:38 on February 14, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
It's, in truth, from this dapper fellow.
guiltypleasures ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:50:38 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
And it's true!
sakredfire ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:20:12 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Wot wot
PriusesAreGay ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:01:19 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
It was the Brits who went and made the language all silly
Thor_Odinson_ ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 04:44:26 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Common language and a couple of hundred years. The same differences exist between US Customary Units and Imperial Units of measurement. Yes, a mile is the same, but a gallon is not. Much like US English is similar to UK English, they branched out quite a while ago and evolved separately.
For an even more extreme example, try to read Shakespeare or another piece of literature from 500 or so years ago. It is very difficult to read due to vocabulary and common parlance (even excluding the many additions to the English language that Shakespeare contributed).
[deleted] ยท 15 points ยท Posted at 02:09:48 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Our saloons have two doors. Have you never seen a cowboy Western?
JaroSage ยท 10 points ยท Posted at 23:57:31 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Dang you guys must have a real problem with drunk driving.
ricodued ยท 27 points ยท Posted at 01:06:56 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
They call it "drink driving"
British people don't stop drinking once they're in the car. If they're getting a DUI they're going to swing for the fences and get a wicket or whatever the fuck this metaphor breaks down goddamnit
FuqBoiQuan ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 02:33:19 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
It's okay though because they still drive those cars with engine cranks so they only go 25 mph tops.
Yunicorn ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:50:56 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)*
FTFY
edit: apparently, the British don't use km... :/
FuqBoiQuan ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 03:02:07 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I don't recognize kilometers as an official unit of measurement.
oojemange ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 03:38:03 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Except we don't use kph despite what a lot of people think.
xglftb ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 03:42:37 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
British people don't use kilometres for distance, they still use miles.
It's one of the few holdovers from the imperial system, alongside 'stone' (= 14 pounds) for bodyweight and 'pints' for imbibing.
Sidenote: fun fact, the imperial pint is 20% larger than the US pint.
tinkerpunk ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 04:15:21 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
It comes in pints?!
lacheur42 ยท 7 points ยท Posted at 00:17:34 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I always wondered what the etymology of this was. To my American ears it reminds me of an old-west style tavern and it seemed like such an odd word for sedan (which has fairly obvious etymology). Looks like it comes from Salon > Saloon car, meaning a luxury lounge/restaurant train car. Neat!
ForeverFun ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 00:59:39 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
And station wagons are estate cars.
tokumeikibo ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 01:21:10 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Boot Trunk
Bonnet Hood
SamSARS10 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 01:32:25 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
WTF!? That's cool. Are there any old timey bars called saloons that are car themed?
tackie_jreehorn ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 03:07:14 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I thought they were called motorized rollinghams
Aryeah ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 03:41:54 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Chicken saloon sounds cooler, like the old Wild West or something
69ing420yolo ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 23:28:17 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Also you call chickens, horses.
teuchtercove ยท 22 points ยท Posted at 23:58:56 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
And you call rooty tooty point-n-shooties "guns"
tinkerer13 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:17:41 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Why, because they have the plush accommodations of a lounge bar?
hilarymeggin ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:02:55 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Upvote for your username.
ameristraliacitizen ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:15:36 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Well depends on where your from (or I'm just weird).
I call them coopays and sedans
sainisaab ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 06:40:22 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Aussie here. I say Coup-ay and Sedan too.
korbonix ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:45:03 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Ummm....saloons are bars in the Wild West.
alshabbabi ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:48:06 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
There's a western joke here.
I3ombastic ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 04:11:13 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I honestly don't know if you're joking or not.
A saloon? Like an old western bar?
mr_lab_rat ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 06:53:51 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Chicken saloon has pretty good ring to it. I'm picturing it with the saloon swinging doors :)
nliausacmmv ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 07:12:10 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
And you say estate instead of wagon, which is actually a way better name.
10Bens ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 07:35:32 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I believe any english car is generally referred to as a go go rollingham
poorpoverty ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 07:40:23 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Also we don't call them saloons we call them balloons
ReventonPro ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 10:58:12 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
A saloon is an old timely bar where you got a whiskey in the wild west. XD
tehsocks ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 13:08:45 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Now I want to go to a Chicken Saloon
voiceofnonreason ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:18:10 on March 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
And they don't call them bullfrogs, they call them scuzzwozzers.
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:10:32 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
[deleted]
Rock_Me-Amadeus ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:25:24 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
100% true. Hatchback
Coupรฉ (two door sports car)
Convertible / cabriolet (depending on make)
Saloon (two or four door car with a boot separate from the cabin)
Estate
People carrier (which is what we call MPVs)
4x4 (four by four, our word for SUV)
legatic ยท 31 points ยท Posted at 00:11:54 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
And a sedan is called a "foursy doorsy"
Au_Struck_Geologist ยท 11 points ยท Posted at 01:12:26 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I thought you guys pronounced it coup-inium?
Kujo_A2 ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 03:37:41 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Do you pronounce the artificial hairpiece "toop"?
Rock_Me-Amadeus ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 09:14:13 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Too-pay
jeffhughes ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 04:40:43 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
And Canadians pronounce it "coop-eh?"
zerocool4221 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 03:58:53 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Funny cause I always pronounced as coup, acting like a dumbass (coup de grace)
Dhalphir ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 07:03:57 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
coup de grace isn't pronounced like coop or coo-pay
zerocool4221 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 07:23:39 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Nope, just coo
Dhalphir ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 08:01:15 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Oh I see what you meant, you pronounced the car type as "coo"
goshin2568 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 04:39:10 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I was thinking there'd be a different word for a chicken coop. Idk coop just sounds like a very redneck word. I can't really imagine a British person saying it.
tahitiisnotineurope ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 04:48:33 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
coop b was the fun high horsepower era.
Dhalphir ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 08:01:39 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
In other words, as usual, the British English is correct, and the American English is butchered and awful.
ORANGESAREBETTERTHAN ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 08:07:46 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Technically it has 3 doors (a sedan has 5 doors)
RedCanada ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 10:20:14 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
In old American movies they say it "coop-ay." I'm not sure why.
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 10:25:59 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
[deleted]
DenkouNova ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 13:38:04 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
coupรฉs and hatchbacks are two different things though
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:35:11 on July 15, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I am american and i pronounce it "coop-ay"
questionablehogs ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:48:46 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I don't believe this maybe?
3jt ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 02:33:20 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Why does a chicken coupรฉ only have two doors? Haven't the foggiest. Cup of tea?
singul4r1ty ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 07:37:55 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Well it works because Americans pronounce coupe the same way as coop, whereas we pronounce coupe as coo-pay
mrivorey ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 03:28:42 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I imagine so many Brits with their heads in their hands right now.
PrivilegeCheckmate ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:17:34 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
When British go to Puerto Rico they stop at the city of San Jew-On.
flicticious ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 06:32:22 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Why does a chicken coop have lockable doors? ---if it didn't it would be a chicken saloon.
Hoobleton ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 01:40:51 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Same with the infamous Nate the Snake joke.
LetMeBe_Frank ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 01:27:15 on February 14, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
British version: Why does a chick coop have 1 door? Because if it had two, it'd be a chicken coupรฉ
mouthpipettor ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 22:37:51 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Why? What are the British translations of coop or sedan?
hoodie92 ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 00:19:40 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
The joke is a play on coupe cars. Coupe is originally a French word, so in the UK we pronounce it "coo-pay". In the US apparently it's pronounced "coop", so a chicken coop sounds the same as a coupe car.
mouthpipettor ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 01:00:15 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Thank you!
hoodie92 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 01:16:39 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
No problem buddy.
DelicateMoose ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:15:35 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I'm an American and I don't know anyone who pronounces it "coop."
blackgeorgewallace ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 04:55:51 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Where the fuck in America are you?
dragoslyr10 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 04:04:42 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Your preface made laugh harder then the joke did.
that_how_it_be ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 01:46:32 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Wouldn't it just be easier to announce you have a Freedom joke to tell?
Anzai ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 01:50:15 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I'm pretending, but isn't it a coop-a anyway?
fact_hunt ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 02:41:17 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
No, coupรฉ
Anzai ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:50:13 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Yes, but pronounced coop-a is what I meant.
its_not_you_its_ye ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 22:41:10 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I've only seen one door on chicken coops, though, usually.
dudethemood ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 01:56:59 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Why did Sauron buy the sedan?
Moredoors.
Tinyfishy ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 02:12:25 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
This is even funnier if you keep chickens because many do have two doors: one for the chickens and humans to go through, and a second, little one on the nest box for gathering eggs without getting poop on your shoes. Of course, mine has a third door, which I guess makes it a hatchback!
Absulute ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 20:50:13 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I don't get it.
Rock_Me-Amadeus ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 22:12:34 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
A chicken coop is where chickens live.
A coupรฉ (pronounced coop if you're American) is also a type of sports car (with two doors rather than four). A sedan is a four door car.
Absulute ยท 9 points ยท Posted at 22:18:46 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Oh, never heard it pronounced coop. Weird.
idevxy ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:42:46 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
At some point the accent fell off the "e" in the American version, so "coupe." The correct French pronunciation of that spelling (sans accent aigu) is identical to "coop."
This is just because American English usually discards diacritics in loanwords. See: "cafe", "resume" (CV), "naive", "fiance", etc. The accents may be rendered, but omitting them is more common. Usually the pronunciation still sticks, but sometimes (first "e" in "resume", "e" in "coupe") it doesn't.
lunastess ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 23:36:52 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I'm so happy to see this here! It's my favourite joke and I can't even get through it without laughing.
blore40 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:08:00 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
So free range chicken drive convertibles?
NecroJoe ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:34:43 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Unless it's a BMW 6 GranCoupe or Audio A7, which market themselves as "4-door coupes"...and done get me started on the X6, which is a 4-door SUV coupe.
ikwaa ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:01:57 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I laughed entirely too hard at this
Empanada_Taco ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 04:06:08 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Yes! Just yes!
gamanar ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 07:05:15 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Lol. My all time fave right here!
Who_GNU ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 07:43:40 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
If it had one, it would be a Cherokee.
citizenkane66 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 23:15:17 on June 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
for some reason I read the end as "would be a chicken salad." was scratching my head for a bit.
hippopon ยท 3172 points ยท Posted at 15:11:08 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
A magician was driving down a street, and then he turned into a driveway.
rxninja ยท 1150 points ยท Posted at 22:53:35 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
When is a car not a car?
When it turns into a parking lot.
Blitzkrieg357 ยท 789 points ยท Posted at 23:20:18 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
When is a door not a door?
When it's ajar.
Koufas ยท 51 points ยท Posted at 02:22:32 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Can a match box?
No, but a tin can.
IAMA_dragon-AMA ยท 32 points ยท Posted at 04:56:26 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Can February March?
No, but April May.
I read a short story about a group of people named after months or had obviously month-inspired names did the same joke like so:
I can't find the story any more, but I was convinced that the entire story had been thought of to set up that scene.
[deleted] ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 06:40:23 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
"July, girl," said Pablo, his thick accent pronounced in his accusation. "That's not true."
kirrin ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 09:54:58 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Sorry, August just blew by. I couldn't hear you.
rippel_effect ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 06:51:02 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Babycham and human faces
Allexan ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 06:56:24 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Abundance
mytwin_ ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 04:38:37 on March 11, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
the impossible quiz!
Peach_Muffin ยท 27 points ยท Posted at 02:16:54 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Now I'm reminded of that damn train from the Dark Tower books.
[deleted] ยท 11 points ยท Posted at 03:24:12 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Blaine's a pain.
Maklite ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 11:03:50 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
And that is the truth.
Arthur3ld ยท 10 points ยท Posted at 02:41:42 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
What has four wheels and flies?
skinner452 ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 05:24:46 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
The delorean?
wsteelerfan7 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 05:42:58 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
A manure truck?
Spider-verse ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 06:28:49 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Superman holding 4 wheels
grimache83 ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 05:06:56 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Long days & pleasant nights, sai
hrlc1990 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 14:41:18 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
May you have twice the number
Helbig312 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 10:57:54 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Ka is a wheel.
VashMM ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 11:16:29 on February 14, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
How did the dead baby cross the road?
tooth28 ยท 7 points ยท Posted at 02:35:04 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
When is a car not a frog? When it's toad.
fodafoda ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 03:17:19 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Oh, there's a delicious version of this in Portuguese (works better when spoken):
"- Quando se abre a porta ร Berta? (when does one open the door to Berta?) - Quando a Berta bate ร porta (when Berta knocks at the door)"
Problem is, when spoken, "ร Berta" sounds exactly like "aberta", which means "open", so that the sentence would parse as when does one open an (already) open door? - a non-sensical question.
If you like this kind of stuff, go read about garden path sentences - a similar thing, but usually not based on ambiguous sonority.
V1russ ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 08:23:23 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I love that having taken two years of Spanish I can understand your joke before the definition.
Hooray for related languages!
Singel48 ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 02:00:37 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Friend told me this one two days ago and I lost my Shit... So if anyone finds it...lemme know
JoyceCarolOatmeal ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 02:15:14 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Also known as Stephen King's favorite joke.
xlinkedx ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 04:02:52 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
When is a jar not ajar? When it's not.
TheMeatsiah ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 05:08:23 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Don't you mean when it's closed?
kenyard ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 04:13:01 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Did you hear about the magic tractor? It turned into a field
morallycorruptgirl ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 04:42:14 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Bill Hicks-the door is ajar
Zakrah ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 06:24:29 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
When is a stone not a stone?
When it's a gate!
(I made this joke up myself and it's my proudest achievement.)
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 07:24:50 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
When is a king not a king?
When he's a ruler.
DevelisTeeth ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 08:41:48 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
When is my hand not a hand, when it's in your bum.
hungry4nuns ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 13:03:08 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
When is an elf not an elf? When it's under a pixie's skirt and it's a gobblin. (I don't know what g-rated means exactly, does innuendo count?)
ArsenoPyrite ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:17:47 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
WHEN. IS. A. SLAVE. NOT. A. SLAVE. ANSWER. WHEN. HE. IS. A. SLAVE. MASTER.
Epiclouder ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 22:03:37 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
These aren't even your dad's jokes... these are your grandpa's.
Cakepufft ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 10:04:14 on February 19, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
FRANCIS
Edit: Ajax not ajar
hobo_champ ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 05:57:46 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
When is an Asian not an Asian?
When he's disoriented.
DRHORRIBLEHIMSELF ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 04:35:14 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
When is a home not a home?
When it's a foster home.
kartuli78 ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 02:55:35 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
When is a door not a door? When it's ajar.
2thousand15 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 05:41:14 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Just an fyi, you repeated the same joke said 4 hrs before you.
kartuli78 ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 06:08:44 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I don't know if I follow you. I didn't see that joke anywhere in the entire thread.
[deleted] ยท 306 points ยท Posted at 22:34:55 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Wish it made sense in Italian, but we have different words for "turn" as in a direction ("svoltare") and "turn" as transforming ("diventare"= literally becoming, "trasformare" o "trasformarsi" which = "transform" and its reflexive form).
I know you probably did not care but whatever. On Valentine's day my GF will be disappointed enough with the Beethoven joke.
FullMetalJ ยท 8 points ยท Posted at 02:34:34 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Spanish speaker here. Yep, the banana joke is the only one I'll be able to tell :(
SavvySillybug ยท 11 points ยท Posted at 23:36:55 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Works even less in German. Here you 'bend' into the driveway. Abbiegen.
longboardingerrday ยท -2 points ยท Posted at 01:52:47 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Do driveways that are at the end of a road and you just drive straight in not exist in germany?
SavvySillybug ยท 17 points ยท Posted at 02:05:36 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Would you turn into one of those?
longboardingerrday ยท 18 points ยท Posted at 02:51:07 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I'm not a magician
whisperingsage ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 04:45:30 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Psyche, that's the wrong trick!
Pibsaholic ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 00:41:22 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Grazie di avermela spiegata, stavo impazzendo
FearLeadsToAnger ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 04:21:03 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I care buddy, I care.
quakk-0 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 06:00:02 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Well let's hear the Beethoven joke!
its1026 ยท 16 points ยท Posted at 22:13:50 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Took me longer than I care to admit.
dont_wear_a_C ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 02:04:53 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
SAME! I thought it was an anti/dad joke. But, no, it was very clever
butth0lez ยท 7 points ยท Posted at 23:50:44 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
He became a driveway?
zcbtjwj ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 01:02:30 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
turned as in "turned left"
butth0lez ยท 7 points ยท Posted at 02:23:13 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
So just a regular dude drove down a street then turned left into a driveway?
tina_ri ยท 10 points ยท Posted at 03:28:05 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
OK I'll bite.
He "turned" into a driveway as in he turned left/right into a driveway AND -- here's where the magician part of the joke comes into play -- he also became a driveway. Like saying the magician turned (or transformed) himself into a rabbit or a top hat, he turned himself into a driveway.
windowrain ยท 8 points ยท Posted at 04:16:36 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I'm not a native English speaker and I was searching for an explanation. Thanks!
zcbtjwj ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 01:01:45 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
did you hear about the magic tractor?
It turned into a field.
Attentive_Disreguard ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 01:52:26 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
No matter how hard my resting bitch face resisted I cracked a horrible smile at this. Thank you!
hippopon ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:33:16 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I just heard this joke so I'm in no way the original creator of this, but I'm glad it can make people crack a smile or two :D
user_account_deleted ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 21:03:42 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
DAAAAAD stahhp!
captaincrunch00 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 00:45:58 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Did you hear about the magic farmer? He drove down a hill and turned into a field.
HuskyLuke ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 11:37:04 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Where I come from this joke is usually told as follows;
"Did you hear about the magic tractor? It drove down a lane and turned into a field."
-Captain- ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:20:02 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Ah fuck I love those and know many, but they only work in my language :P
anonymoushenry ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:41:53 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Never heard this one before. You got me good.
wadaup ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 04:33:38 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
This is my all time favorite joke. Thank you.
Two fish were in a tank. One said to the other, "I'll man the guns and you drive."
gthermonuclearw ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 04:43:34 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
This joke works better if you swap "magician" for "shapeshifter."
When people think "magician" they imagine them changing the shape of other things, not themselves.
GhrundleTroll ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:20:39 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I read this as "a Mexican was diving down the street and then he turned into a driveway" and tried for an embarrassingly long amount of time to see how that could be remotely funny. I then read it again.
zachwilson23 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:26:04 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
That went so far over my head for a solid minute. I think I'm retarded
nearnum2 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:31:26 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Hey, I'm not mouse! I'm car.
garryd11 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:58:07 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Why was six afraid of seven? Because seven ate nine.
Mr3p1c0s1ty ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 09:17:44 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Did you hear about the award winning farmer?
He was out standing in his field
bigger_in_japan ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 10:07:51 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Did you hear about my magic tractor? It went down the road and turned into a field.
dcz ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 11:19:54 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Why doesn't a chicken coupe have 4 doors?
Because then it would be called a chicken sedan.
Mycatsleftfoot ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 14:22:48 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
What do you get when you cross a bridge with a car? To the other side.
AlexanderWeeks ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:14:45 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I feel incredibly dumb for not getting this.
emmyset23 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 10:58:34 on February 14, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
NO FUCK WHY DID IT TAKE 15 MINUTES TO GET THAT I AM DISAPPOINTED IN MYSELF
hot_dogg ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 13:49:30 on February 19, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Holy smokes I actually laughed out loud! NICE.
smackthisaccountdown ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 22:23:50 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
This is my favorite one.
NamelessMIA ยท 2855 points ยท Posted at 16:50:47 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
2 fish are in a tank. 1 turns to the other and says "you man the guns, I'll drive!"
SheezusCrites ยท 1043 points ยท Posted at 23:55:44 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Two parrots are sitting on a perch. One turns to the other and asks "Do you smell fish?"
[deleted] ยท 318 points ยท Posted at 01:45:55 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Two muffins are in the oven.
One says to the other, "Is it me or is it hot in here?"
To which the other one says, "Holy shit! A talking muffin!"
"Shit" is G rated, right?
funkyb ยท 107 points ยท Posted at 04:40:48 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Two cannibals are sitting around eating a clown. One looks at the other and asks, "Does this taste funny to you?"
_thisguygetsit_ ยท 28 points ยท Posted at 06:53:37 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Two clowns are eating a cannibal. One looks to the other and says
"Oh wait i messed up..."
Clowns_Sniffing_Glue ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 09:21:49 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
It does taste funny and it's sticky ;)
flowers_are_red ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 05:11:54 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
A friend used to run a game dev studio. During crunch, late at night, he'd go around telling this joke to his devs. If they laughed, they were obviously too punch drunk to continue and were sent home. :)
[deleted] ยท 8 points ยท Posted at 03:37:54 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
You can tone it down for kids by just saying oh my god a talking muffin or oh my gosh a talking muffin depending on your audience
290077 ยท 10 points ยท Posted at 05:06:55 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Or just, "Aaah!"
sn4xchan ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 02:04:37 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Well you can say fuck. But, only once.
Mage_of_Shadows ยท 16 points ยท Posted at 02:22:12 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I think that is PG-13
Roarlord ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 02:32:14 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Still get it twice if it's in a musical number.
popejubal ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 04:13:56 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
PG-thirteeeeee eeen
Roarlord ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 05:46:30 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Rent actually kept a PG-13 for the movie with two fucks in a single song.
twixe ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 06:08:48 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Tango Maureen!
Roarlord ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 06:19:31 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Helllll yeah
Operatorkin ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 15:16:25 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I didn't even realize you actually wrote poop because I have my browser set to replace "shit" with "poop" because poop is funnier.
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:21:07 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Lol wtf I didn't write "poop." But that's hilarious.
Iron_Goliath1190 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 07:41:48 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Hahaha! I tell this joke all the time. It's my go to bad-joke-to-make-you-laugh-in spite-of-yourself joke.
mysixthredditaccount ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:37:15 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Turn that shit into "camolee" and you are a-ok.
lovelycosmos ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 05:13:49 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
THIS JUST TOOK ME THE LONGEST TIME TO GET THIS IS A GOOD ONE
OnCompanyTime ยท 7 points ยท Posted at 05:48:24 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I don't get it! Help?
Toilet-Ghost ยท 12 points ยท Posted at 06:03:55 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I believe perch is a type of fish
strumpster ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 07:36:27 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Oooooohhhhh
standsure ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 08:21:28 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
This took me way too long to get...
SheezusCrites ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 10:13:17 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
That what I like about that joke. Most people don't get it at first.
alwaysforgettingmyun ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 08:45:32 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I hadn't heard that one. I'm legit amused
jp_mclovin ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:52:31 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I have to tell my uncle this one. He is the king of cheesy jokes and I've never heard this from him.
imverysneakysir ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:26:26 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Two muffins are baking in the oven, one says 'Sure is hot in here.' The other responds 'Ahh! A talking muffin!'
GaZzErZz ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 13:25:32 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
This joke won me a prize whilst flying from england to florida.
Gregoryv022 ยท 704 points ยท Posted at 22:22:49 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Followed by,
Two Soldiers are in a Tank. One says to the other, "BLUBLBLUBLUBLUBLUBLBLULU"
sovietshark2 ยท 26 points ยท Posted at 02:53:34 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
2 tanks are in a fish, one tank says to the other tank "soldier soldier soldier"
alshabbabi ยท 9 points ยท Posted at 04:06:50 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Two solders are in a fish, as one sined to the other with his tank.
alshabbabi ยท 7 points ยท Posted at 04:07:27 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Two soldiers are in trouble for cohabitating.ftfy
Chaperon3 ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 05:49:23 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
wth. Tanks for the jokes.
alshabbabi ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 21:04:24 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
We are just soldiering on... Fishing for truth
[deleted] ยท 7 points ยท Posted at 04:08:43 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I lost it at this one... fucking hilarious.
Sorcyress ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 15:54:54 on February 27, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
My local county TV morning show had this little "jokes from kids!" segment every Tuesday morning. I told the two-fish-in-a-tank joke for it when I was about eight, so as jokes go, it's pretty near and dear to my heart.
I have never heard the two soldiers version and now I cannot stop laughing, send help
Gregoryv022 ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 19:31:36 on February 27, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Help has been sent. I'm not sure to where, but it's on its way.
Mute2120 ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 07:45:56 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
And that's, Homonym!
SubcommanderMarcos ยท 16 points ยท Posted at 01:21:21 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I know one like this!
Two muffins are baking in an oven, then one turns to the other and goes "gee, hot in here innit" anf the other goes OH MY GOD A TALKING MUFFIN
Dicer214 ยท 8 points ยท Posted at 03:18:46 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Two ducks swimming in a pond, one says to the other: "Quuuuaaaaaaaaaack", the othe one says: "I was just about to say that!"
xTRS ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 00:59:14 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I told this joke once on stage when my lead guitarist had to change a string mid set. I was surprised that someone laughed.
MasterOfOnes ยท 23 points ยท Posted at 00:54:24 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I prefer it with the punchline "any idea how to drive this thing".
Also:
Two soldiers sitting in a tank. One turns to the other and says "glubblubblib".
shokalion ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 02:23:50 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Yeah I prefer that punchline too.
Unathana ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 03:57:25 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Two whales are in a bar, and one looks at the other and says "WUUUUUUUEEEEEEEEOOOOOOOOOOUUUUUUU" and the other says, "Shut up, Frank, you're drunk."
Think Dory here. I have no idea how to type that.
NamelessMIA ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 20:13:02 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I love this joke, you just need to be as obnoxious as possible with the whale sounds
song_pond ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 01:00:43 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
The second fish says "AHH A TALKING FISH!"
amos_burton ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 03:27:58 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Two fish are sitting in a tank. One turns to the other and says "I have no idea how to drive this thing."
Raptor43110 ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 03:44:55 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Two Navy Seals are in a tank, they drowned.
SakuraDragon ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 04:31:53 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
That's silly, seals are excellent swimmers. But how did they get into the Navy?
you_got_fragged ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 04:28:45 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
2 soldiers are in a tank. One turns to the other and says "gluburblugbluglub"
gcanyon ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 05:25:01 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Fred Gwynne, the actor who portrayed Herman Munster, was also an artist, and created an actual fish "tank".
EPGeezy ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:12:11 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
It took me a second but this one made me laugh out loud.
Stabage ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:20:08 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
that took me a second, haha
what-a-burger ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:44:04 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
BREAKING NEWS: Poland annexed by fish.
tojabu ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:20:17 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
But, you need a loader and a radio man. Without that you're just fish in a BMP.
Dan_Hunter12 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 04:40:38 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Dan. Is that you?
NamelessMIA ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 20:12:22 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Nope. Sorry buddy
Dan_Hunter12 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 22:06:30 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Ah damn, my mate tells this one all the time. Thought I'd finally uncovered his Reddit account.
booger_dick ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 06:42:08 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I've always heard the fish say "Do you know how to drive this thing?"
speccynerd ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 07:09:01 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Two snowmen are in a garden. One says, "Do you smell carrots?"
TaeKwonDoge ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 08:20:55 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
For some reason, it didn't click with me that the joke originally implies a fish tank. I was wondering where the joke was.
addysol ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 09:38:27 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Two men are in a tank. They both drown
Scarletfapper ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 11:56:48 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
This is the first one to actually make me laugh out loud.
enjolras1782 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:31:36 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
2 fish are in a bowl. One looks to the other and says "how do you drive this thing?"
alwaysZenryoku ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 23:21:59 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Two soldiers are in a tank one turns to the other and says "blub blub blub!"
Dope_train ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 23:55:51 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
2 parrots on a perch. One says to the other "can you smell fish?"
emmetmcd ยท 4818 points ยท Posted at 14:53:32 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
What is E.T short for ?
He has really small legs
NameReservedForYou ยท 1418 points ยท Posted at 17:34:02 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
What does E.T stand for?
The national anthem
[deleted] ยท 56 points ยท Posted at 01:47:10 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
No he doesn't, he's an illegal alien.
Yamchakka ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 03:36:19 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I'm sure wherever he is from they have a national anthem.
props_to_yo_pops ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 09:18:15 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
If he doesn't stand, they'll notice and start the experiments.
seewhaticare ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 03:34:18 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Alien countries might also have national anthems too.
MikeTheBum ยท 8 points ยท Posted at 01:56:28 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Old ladies, on the bus.
jakielim ยท 7 points ยท Posted at 04:02:28 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
A true patriot.
luchinocappuccino ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 05:06:07 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I liked this one better.
[deleted] ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 03:18:16 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
[deleted]
hydrofenix ยท 7 points ยท Posted at 03:41:52 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
You're supposed to stand when the national anthem plays.
[deleted] ยท 14 points ยท Posted at 04:20:47 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
[deleted]
[deleted] ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 07:10:39 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
because normally you would say ET stands for extra terrestrial
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 12:01:14 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
[deleted]
NameReservedForYou ยท 9 points ยท Posted at 14:25:43 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)*
I'll try, but it won't be funny anymore.
Usually when someone asks what an abbreviation 'stands for' they're asking what words the letters represent. For example, C.I.A stands for Central Intelligence Agency.
The joke here is that the answer isn't the expected one.
Instead of saying E.T stands for ExtraTerrestrial, it gives the answer to 'what does E.T stand up for? People usually stand up for national anthems.
lots of edits for clarity
[deleted] ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 15:00:09 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
[deleted]
NameReservedForYou ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 16:38:53 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
โExplaining a joke is like dissecting a frog. You understand it better but the frog dies in the process.โ - E.B. White
awfulein ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 02:55:12 on February 15, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
What does E.B. stand for?
NameReservedForYou ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 23:16:47 on February 15, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
What did E.B. stand for?
Receiving the Presidential Medal of Freedom from J.F.K
awfulein ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:19:01 on February 16, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
What does J.F.K. stand for?
evilgiraffe04 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 06:12:30 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Oh boy that took a minute to click. I'll blame it on the late hour.
[deleted] ยท -18 points ยท Posted at 21:45:50 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
[deleted]
[deleted] ยท -2 points ยท Posted at 00:52:35 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
[deleted]
[deleted] ยท -3 points ยท Posted at 00:58:26 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
The mooselims are in my backyard, call Sarah Palin.
theJLP ยท 1515 points ยท Posted at 17:11:30 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
this one got me hard
ophello ยท 2158 points ยท Posted at 17:33:31 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
เฒ _เฒ
theJLP ยท 765 points ยท Posted at 17:52:21 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
( อกยฐ อส อกยฐ)
SachK ยท 176 points ยท Posted at 00:21:20 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
(เฒ อสเฒ )
[deleted] ยท 11 points ยท Posted at 04:06:27 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I think your guy had a stroke.
SachK ยท 18 points ยท Posted at 04:07:12 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
he does like to stroke
[deleted] ยท 7 points ยท Posted at 05:03:48 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Ho hooooooo
Problem119V-0800 ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 21:09:26 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
(โ อสโ)
TheOriginalSync21 ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 05:46:36 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
โดโฌโดโค( อกยฐ อสโโฌโดโฌ
kenfoldsfive ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 06:04:42 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
( อกสโญอสโฎอกส)
Destructor1701 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 13:26:27 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Stewie?
Robobvious ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 07:30:02 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
อกยฐ_ อกยฐ
AllGloryToSatan ยท -9 points ยท Posted at 01:07:58 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
hard in the ass
SachK ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 02:24:59 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
k
[deleted] ยท 572 points ยท Posted at 17:42:31 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
phrasing
SaveTheSpycrabs ยท 24 points ยท Posted at 02:48:24 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Sorry,
"This one got me erect."
[deleted] ยท 7 points ยท Posted at 03:17:42 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Much better.
Grayslake_Gisox ยท 33 points ยท Posted at 21:11:22 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Are we still doing 'phrasing'?
Deathstroke317 ยท 16 points ยท Posted at 00:50:23 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
So are we just done with phrasing?
_chadwell_ ยท 15 points ยท Posted at 00:50:42 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Cause if we're not, that's fine, but let me know, OK?
dont_wear_a_C ยท 7 points ยท Posted at 02:02:02 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
C'mon, Cheryl, just the tip
Billybobsatan ยท 7 points ยท Posted at 23:22:33 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Said Ripley to the android bishop
Zackeezy116 ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 08:34:21 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
It's not the same...
btone911 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 04:00:25 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Are we still doing that?
[deleted] ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 05:18:03 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
"are we not doing phrasing??"
[deleted] ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 05:22:24 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Are we still doing phrasing?
Hondros ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 19:46:40 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
This is a thing again?
Geodude671 ยท -15 points ยท Posted at 21:49:35 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
This is /u/enragedbee
WHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOSH
This is the joke flying over /u/enragedbee's head
Pun-Master-General ยท 18 points ยท Posted at 22:05:50 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
This is /u/Geodude671
WHOOOOOOOOOSH
This is the Archer reference flying over /u/Geodude671's head
Lord_ThunderCunt ยท 15 points ยท Posted at 02:01:26 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Do you want down votes? Because this is how you get down votes.
Geodude671 ยท -8 points ยท Posted at 04:19:33 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Yeah sure I'll give you a down vote
Fastriedis ยท 13 points ยท Posted at 22:05:21 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
WHOOOOSSSHH
That's the Archer reference going over your head.
SadGhoster87 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 23:08:59 on June 22, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Ha, irony.
hakoonamutata ยท 168 points ยท Posted at 17:46:31 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
dude. proof read
goodferu ยท 25 points ยท Posted at 19:29:48 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
He knows what he's doing.
ostermei ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 03:21:53 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Let us dispel this fiction that /u/theJLP doesn't know what he's doing.
Veatchdave ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 01:25:37 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Take your own advice.
proofread
Nachofizz ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 04:14:30 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
He knew what he was doing
Derf_Jagged ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 01:12:19 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Did you mean: proofread?
kyapu_chinchin ยท 9 points ยท Posted at 19:35:03 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Oh Tobias, you blowhard!
MasterhcSniper ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 23:39:23 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I saw that episode last night. Haha
tlamy ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 19:02:35 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
That came out wrong...
Or did it?
EmperorBohe ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 01:02:58 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
There really is a fetish for everything.
[deleted] ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 22:10:54 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
You might need a comma there...
Smoother1997 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 03:51:09 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
/r/gonewildcomments
Pointyspoon ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 04:07:47 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I don't get it...
op135 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 04:59:06 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
E.T.'s dick is 2 inches....from the ground
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 06:30:27 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Hey! Phrasing!
Wade1423 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:48:58 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
/r/nocontext
EDIT: /r/evenwithcontext
ma2016 ยท 10 points ยท Posted at 21:10:08 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I've always used the punchline as "So he can fit in the spaceship"
KCCO2015 ยท 12 points ยท Posted at 19:20:47 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Please ELI5.
[deleted] ยท 28 points ยท Posted at 20:47:04 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
The expected answer to the question is "extraterrestrial." However, the joke answers as if you asked why the character E.T. from the movie with the same name is physically short - because his legs are small.
KCCO2015 ยท 21 points ยท Posted at 21:01:41 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Ha ha.
GeneralJabroni ยท -6 points ยท Posted at 20:49:24 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
which part is the funny part?
timmy12688 ยท 9 points ยท Posted at 21:13:36 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Oh fuck off.
GeneralJabroni ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 21:21:13 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
but that makes the joke non-G-rated
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:45:50 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
The whole thing, before it got deconstructed.
bumberton31 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 21:03:13 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
ET is short because of his small legs. The term "short for" can also be used in place of "stands for." The joke is pretty much that the acronym ET means extra terrestrial, but by using the play on words "short for," it can be interpreted as why his size is so small
ReaderWalrus ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 21:06:19 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
When someone says, "What is ET short for," you think he means "What do the letters in the initialism "ET" represent? The answer is "Extra-terrestrial."
However, the answer reveals that the question was actually asking "What is ET short for as in "Why is ET short," the answer to which is "He has really small legs."
Understand?
Face_Roll ยท 11 points ยท Posted at 21:48:08 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
INCORRECT!
"For" means "for what purpose"
Eg: "What is this mug for? It's FOR my coffee."
The correct punchline is:
"So he can fit inside his ship"
neau ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 13:32:49 on February 19, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
That'll do Dwight.
IConTrollYou ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 04:32:50 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Okay, I was reading these off to my daughter and I couldn't get thru this one without losing it.
Uncreative_Color ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:34:31 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I don't get it
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 21:44:49 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
"What's E.T. short for?" is a British way of saying "Why is ET short?"
emmetmcd ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 22:43:19 on February 14, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I'm fucking IRISH YOU SCUM, don't call me british
JimmySevere ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:19:55 on February 27, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Except it isn't. Whilst most wouldn't give you too much jip for the poor grammar, there's no way that's a British thing.
Often_Downvoted ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:33:21 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
The Extra Testicle.
KatDanger ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:24:34 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I don't get it.
Do_your_homework ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:27:17 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
.
You dropped this.
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:35:09 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Why were his eyes so big?
he saw the phonebill
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:48:07 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Fitting in spaceships
ReyJae ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:23:01 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I don't get it, help.
VictorShakapopulis ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 04:52:57 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Why are black people tall? Cuz their knee grows.
Twitchy_throttle ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:34:32 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Why do elephants have big ears?
Noddy wouldn't pay the ransom.
BombDisposalBob ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 06:38:15 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
This one went over my head.
Beaucheman ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 08:49:34 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
So he can fit inside his ship
ziasaur ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 23:12:03 on February 25, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
"so he can fit into his spaceship" is the punchline i always use for this
IndianaJwns ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 20:35:38 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
ouch
king-schultz ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 01:16:52 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
This has to go to the top.
hipponugget ยท -1 points ยท Posted at 20:22:30 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
That's a little funny
elilo ยท 7409 points ยท Posted at 16:24:36 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
So the pope is SUPER early for his flight. He asks his driver on his way to the airport if he could drive around for a while because they have time to kill and he hasn't driven a car since becoming the pope. Naturally he's a bit rusty so he's driving poorly when suddenly he sees police lights behind him. He pulls over and when the officer comes up to the window his eyes go wiiiide. He says to the pope "Hold on for a minute" and he goes back to his car to radio the chief. Cop: Chief we have a situation. I've pulled over an important figure. Chief: How important? A governor or something? Cop: No sir. He's bigger. Chief: So, what? a celebrity or something? Cop: More important, sir. Chief: A major politician? Cop: No sir, he's much more important. Chief: WELL WHO IS IT!? Cop: Well actually I'm not sure. But the pope's his driver.
Leploulple ยท 5781 points ยท Posted at 22:07:29 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Got a similar one :
One day, Einstein has to give a conference to all the big guys in science. On the way there, he tells his driver that looks a bit like him :
"I'm sick of all this conferences, I always say the same things over and over !"
The drivers agrees, " You're right, as your driver I attended all of them, and even though I don't know anything about science, I could give the conference at your place."
"That's a great idea ! " says Eistein," lets switch places then !"
So they switch clothes and as soon as they arrive, the driver dressed as Einstein go on stage and starts giving the usual speech, while the real Einstein, dressed as the car driver, attends it.
But in the crowd, there was one scientist who wanted to impress everyone and thought of a very difficult question to ask Einstein, hoping he wouldn't be able to respond. So this guy stands up and interrupt the conference by posing his very difficult question. The whole room goes silent, holding their breath, waiting for the response.
The driver looks at him, dead in the eye and says :
"Sir, your question is so easy to answer that I'm going to let my driver reply to it for me."
Cheesewithmold ยท 719 points ยท Posted at 22:37:40 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)*
This one's very good!
scene1 ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 07:05:21 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Am I just not getting it? It didn't seem that funny to me. Someone mentioned it may be a true prank that Einstein played, which may explain why it's not very funny as a joke but might be amusing if it happened in real life.
[deleted] ยท -15 points ยท Posted at 01:22:22 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
[deleted]
Cheesewithmold ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 02:12:09 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Happy?
[deleted] ยท 1944 points ยท Posted at 23:48:25 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Wait. This is a joke?! Somebody told me this and said it was a true story. Like a fun prank that Einstein used to play on audiences.
I've only just realised how far-fetched it is.
MrCoolioPants ยท 3461 points ยท Posted at 00:33:14 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
The man's name? Albert Einstein.
RainbowApple ยท 452 points ยท Posted at 00:47:59 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
The room got so quiet you could hear a pin drop.
probation_420 ยท 135 points ยท Posted at 00:56:25 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
"Does anybody see the professor's brain?"
(the whole class starts laughing)
TOASTEngineer ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 05:13:30 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Fhrankunshteen!
probation_420 ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 05:58:34 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Give him a sedagive!
TOASTEngineer ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 06:00:02 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Eyyyyyeeegor.
Historiaaa ยท 66 points ยท Posted at 01:51:27 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
The room got so quiet you could hear gravitational waves.
noname6500 ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 06:43:06 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
im so glad to live and see this joke be relevant enough.
pm_me_your_LeftTit ยท 9 points ยท Posted at 03:25:46 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
then everyone clapped and donated $100 to science.
Chazwozel ยท 8 points ยท Posted at 03:30:09 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Slowly, the Marine - who had five tours in Iraq - got up...
fluffman86 ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 02:57:40 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
The man who asked the question fainted.
Matti_Matti_Matti ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 03:48:59 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Just who are these idiots dropping pins all over the place?
calicotrinket ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 04:56:20 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Oh my god /r/thathappened is leaking.
Peach_Muffin ยท 7 points ยท Posted at 02:05:15 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
A bald eagle landed on the American flag and shed a single tear.
MankDemerinos ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 02:40:06 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Let's just say he's no longer a vigin ;)
im_an_enginere ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 02:49:11 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
And that's when Tommy stopped and locked the door.
loyallemons ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 03:16:44 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
The driver fainted.
emdave ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 04:40:35 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Relatively speaking?
nliausacmmv ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 07:08:37 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
And afterwards the driver got a $100% tip.
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 08:24:56 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Then everyone burst into applause
pukotoshana_murkals ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 09:56:09 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
And when it drops the room is so still tha you can detect gravitational waves from the pin drop.
Old-Man-Henderson ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 06:26:40 on July 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Because not a single person laughed.
wakfi ยท -2 points ยท Posted at 02:24:31 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
So quiet you could hear the gravitational waves
KittenPics ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 01:21:00 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
This is the first thing that made me laugh in this whole thread.
blay12 ยท 10 points ยท Posted at 01:09:22 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Seriously, he's wicked smaht.
physchy ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 02:04:16 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
๐บ๐บ๐บ๐บ
[deleted] ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 00:49:59 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
His drivers name was Ronny Johnson.
bimtott ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 02:35:17 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
And now you know the REST of the story.
aseycay4815162342 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:41:47 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I remember listening to Paul Harvey a lot in the truck with my dad when I was little~
idwthis ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:40:01 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Ah, Paul Harvey.
There just isn't anything these days on the same level.
LancasterNotYork ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 02:17:05 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
He's wicked smaht!
eyewatchyousleep ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 01:01:49 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Marti pellow
Renduras ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 02:47:36 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
He's wicked smaht
internetlad ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 03:07:36 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
He's wicked smaht.
feanturi ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 04:29:36 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
This is the most under-gilded comment I can recall seeing here. I mean, that meme has to retire now. It's over.
MrCoolioPants ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 05:08:22 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Is there a retired meme subreddit?
Not_Stalin ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:07:41 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Uh.. Yeah. We know.
TaedW ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:01:35 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Albert Brooks (Finding Nemo) was born with the name Albert Einstein.
Megmca ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:16:36 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
He's wicked smaht.
biggy_d1 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:30:55 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
He's wicked smaht.
nspectre ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 06:13:40 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
He wicked smaht.
DeadSOL89 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 09:22:57 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Be prepared for a million 'He's wicked smaaaht' replies. RIP your inbox.
MrCoolioPants ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:24:39 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
They've already hit.
capilot ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:17:47 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
He's wicked smaht.
Rivaranae ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:15:25 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
He was wiked smaht
el_Tobby ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 01:23:31 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Wasn't that guy wicked smaht?
squirrelforbreakfast ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 03:57:14 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
He's wicked schmaht.
causal_friday ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 04:32:27 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
/r/thatHappened
superpencil121 ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 04:33:55 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
He's wicked smaht!
[deleted] ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 04:45:14 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
He's wicked smaht.
jhutchi2 ยท 15 points ยท Posted at 02:27:31 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Einstein seems to have one hell of a folklore around shit he didn't actually do.
billigesbuch ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 20:36:05 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Any story involving him, Winston Churchill, or Teddy Roosevelt should be taken with a grain of salt, partially because a lot of the stories are true, so it makes the false ones believable.
DoomBot5 ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 02:07:21 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
When he was recognized walking down the street, he used to pretend to be a guy that people kept confusing him with Einstein.
WormRabbit ยท 7 points ยท Posted at 00:44:05 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I read it in a mid-XX century book and it was told as a funny fact. Not a running joke, but just once that could very well happen. Science talks for the general audience are actually very easy to reproduce, they don't contain any gory details and maths.
decayingteeth ยท -2 points ยท Posted at 02:07:51 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Just admit you believed something stupid and stop telling yourself lies.
GForce917 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 01:55:32 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Einstein never had a driver's license.
robbyalaska907420 ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 10:16:47 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Nor did he ever have a mustache. A smelting accident at a young age left him completely unable to grow facial hair. A lot of people don't know that.
sassosaurus ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 01:39:12 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Don't worry, I thought the same cringes internally at naive stupidity
billlowy_meshes ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 14:43:42 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Feynman did something like this. He usually gave the same talk to different audiences, and once he switched with somebody and something similar happened
[deleted] ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 15:16:06 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
My brother gave me a book for my birthday called Surely You're Joking, Mr Feynman and it contains funny anecdotes from Richard Feynman. I haven't finished it yet so maybe this story will appear.
billlowy_meshes ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:00:01 on February 14, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Yes that is where I read it! It may be a bit different since I haven't read it in a while, but still. It's a great book
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 09:24:16 on February 14, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I'm certainly enjoying it.
nmotsch789 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:06:12 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
There are a LOT of stories and quotes related to Einstein that are untrue. Many of those stories had been told about other people before Einstein was even around.
ceelogreenispeople ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:11:42 on February 15, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I first heard it as a true story as well.. but a math prof and his grad student switching places.
"that question is so trivial that even my assistant can answer."
Always good to have in your back pocket when giving a presentation.
turkturkelton ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 22:10:27 on March 4, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
You think people wouldn't recognize the must recognizable scientist ever to exist?
[deleted] ยท 35 points ยท Posted at 22:48:21 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Testing this one out on Monday at work. Thank you!
UnclDolanDuk ยท 9 points ยท Posted at 00:30:08 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
You...you're Einstein's driver?
[deleted] ยท 8 points ยท Posted at 22:52:53 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
oh I love this one
[deleted] ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 23:07:15 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Oh that's good
capilot ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 02:21:15 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
There's a story about a mathematician who was going to give a talk, and the conference organizers asked him what the subject would be.
The mathematician says he's found an elegant proof to Fermat's last theorem. This of course draws some excitement from the conference organizers.
When arrives to give the talk, it's on some completely mundane subject.
The conference organizers ask him what about Fermat's last theorem?
"Oh, I just thought I'd say that just in case I was killed in an accident on the way to the conference."
ProphetThief ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 14:53:47 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Kinda like Hardy. Apparently, during a really rough boat ride across the channel, he sent a post card saying he'd a proof to Riemann's hypothesis. He hoped God would then make sure he arrived safety, so he wouldn't die with everything thinking he had solved it.
He always had a strange relationship with God. Like he would bring work and umbrellas to cricket games hoping that God would then make sure it didn't rain so he couldn't do his work; when in fact he loved cricket and wished his team good weather.
He basically thought God hated him and would spite him at every chance.
capilot ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:02:42 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I would bet that this story is the bones of mine.
sadiewinnie ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 05:59:46 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Then when the real Einstein doesn't know the answer, the crowd shifts back and looks at the diver again
baltGSP ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 01:48:16 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I first that from a Jerry Clower routine. I'm not sure if he's the original or not.
bennytehcat ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 01:57:34 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)*
Same here. He referred to him as a professor. I have to say that his version of this joke is way better than OP.
Edit: Replied above, but here ya go, in case you never visit this post again.
Jerry Clower, The Chauffeur and the Professor, 1971
lordfly911 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:04:50 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
This is partially true.
wazwere ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:22:34 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
My teacher told this one in class yesterday
milliondollabooty ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:20:02 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
The room goes so silent that you can see gravitational waves.
tugboattoottoot ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:24:11 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Albit einstein's driver? He's wicked smaht.
spacemanspiff30 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:47:44 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
That's a smart fucking driver.
avatrox ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:00:29 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Old Jerry Clower bit that's pretty similar.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bK9VoToteGU
horizoner ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:14:29 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
This actually did happen, pretty interesting read on Quora.
thebush007 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:45:16 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Many people did not know that Einstein was a part time physicist AND a full time savage.
scribbling_des ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:34:06 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
That is gold.
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:50:02 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
This is actually from a redneck comedian named Jerry Clower about 25 years before redneck comedians caught on. He could really tell a story. https://youtu.be/bK9VoToteGU
phearus-reddit ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 04:02:19 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Yeah, academics don't have drivers. They drive themselves like any other poor professional.
duck_of_d34th ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 04:08:51 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Jerry Clower
JamesTheJerk ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 04:58:36 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Remind me to tell u my joke plz, im too tired atm
Leploulple ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:20:42 on February 14, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
So what's your joke ?
Noy2222 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:53:23 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
You really need a strong difficult physics question in mind when telling this joke "a very difficult question" kinda ruins it.
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 06:10:47 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Wernstrom!
whatevermanwhatever ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 06:10:59 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Great joke!
TheIllusionistMirage ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 06:15:42 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Hmm, there exists a slight variation of this joke involving Max Planck and his driver too.
fatrefrigerator ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 06:33:40 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I've always loved this one
poopcasso ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 09:01:25 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
REKT
11BravoNRD ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:39:51 on March 8, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Man that drivers wicked smaht
Ricardozen ยท 395 points ยท Posted at 22:23:57 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I remember hearing this one at some but the end was different. When asked who it is at the end the cop says "Well I think its Jesus Christ since the Pope is driving"
undreamedgore ยท 36 points ยท Posted at 01:39:41 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
But jeasus takes the wheel
thecoffeetoy ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 05:24:54 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I laughed way harder than I should thanks
Workaphobia ยท 7 points ยท Posted at 03:41:03 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Ug. "I'm not sure" is a much better ending.
bananaJazzHands ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 04:02:27 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
The Jesus one is borderline nonsensical. The other one is hilarious cause it's a plausible mistake to make.
JewWhore ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 02:37:13 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I've never heard this ending, but I have heard the original post many times. I like this one much more.
kotkaiser ยท 12 points ยท Posted at 04:34:17 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I disagree. The original ending is far more subtle and lets the listener figuring out who the pope might drive. This ending is too plump for my liking.
dong_d ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:53:21 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Funnier when implied
actual_factual_bear ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:06:43 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
The ending I always heard was "God" not "Jesus Christ".
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:10:21 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
The Jesus version makes more sense, though. God being in a car is a somewhat weird notion.
Marzman315 ยท 54 points ยท Posted at 19:37:06 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Lol I enjoyed this one a lot.
ma2016 ยท 14 points ยท Posted at 21:13:45 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Didn't Reagan tell a joke like this but with Gorbachev?
MasteroftheHallows ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 14:28:42 on March 6, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
That's how I knew it!
ma2016 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:28:30 on March 6, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Noice
Catchhomethrowaway ยท 7 points ยท Posted at 03:21:04 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I donut get it :/
Usernameisntthatlong ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:26:02 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Same
[deleted] ยท 9 points ยท Posted at 06:43:03 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Normally important people have their own personal drivers. Well this time the Pope wanted to drive himself because he had time before his flight and hand't done so in a long time. But because of his rusty driving, he gets pulled over by a cop. The cop then tells his superiors that whoever he pulled over in this car must be extremely important, so important in fact that their personal driver happens to be the Pope himself.
Birthez ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 00:08:31 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Ronald reagan told this same joke, except it was with Gorbatchov: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QQh6q9gNCIQ
MasteroftheHallows ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 14:29:11 on March 6, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
That's how I knew it
washboardsam ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 00:42:01 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
One variant to this joke is that the cop says, "I think...I think it's Frank Sinatra in there."
joebearyuh ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 12:40:57 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Oooo my pope joke turn!
So one day dave and his mate are sat in the pub and theyre arguing over whos more popular and dave is adamant its him. So he goes "watch this" walks up to the barman and chats like theyve known each other forever. Daves mate says that proves nothing hes your local barman. So fair enough they travel into london and see simon cowell, dave stops him and simon says "you alright dave? Its been a while". Not convinced daves mate wants more proof. So they hop on a plane to washington D.C, and dave just strolls into the whitehouse and has dinner with barrack Obama. Daves mate still isnt convinced so they go to rome, the vatican where the pope is giving a sermon. Theyre stood in the crowd and dave says "i need to get closer, stay here i now the guards". About 10 minutes later daves stood up on the balcony with the pope, when he sees a something on in the crowd. He rushes down to see his mate passed out on the floor. He looks over him and says "you alright, mate?". Daves mate looks at him and goes "i really didnt believe you until you got up there and someone said, 'whos that up there with dave?'"
MadMadHatter ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 01:52:20 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
At 2:44 President Reagan tells this joke...
http://youtu.be/mN3z3eSVG7A
xelaseyer ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 01:45:37 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I didn't come up with this joke. But you most definitely copy pasted it from when I typed it out and posted it. Considering that was a year ago, I like to think that you now tell that joke at social events, as do I ever since I heard it. Best joke ever haha
OMGDonutz ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 22:09:23 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I like this.
Wolf_of_Seattle ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:36:13 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Love this joke! Hope you don't mide if I drop it on my Catholic part of my family. They are going to love it too.
Xalteox ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:15:54 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
My relatives who used to live in the Soviet Union had the same joke but with Gorbachev I believe, or maybe someone else, I forget.
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:39:43 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Reagan told a similar joke about Gorbachev which I now believe was fictional.
jycreddit ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:46:27 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
So he pulled over Morgan Freeman?
Zidlijan ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:47:44 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Oh my fucking god me and my mom can't stop laughing, the pope is visiting mexico RIGHT NOW
Popsnacks2 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:07:15 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Ronald Reagan made the same joke but about Mikail Gorbachov. Definetely spelled his name wrong but its just as funny.
Disco-Diner ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 04:58:17 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
TLDR?
GCSThree ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:31:01 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
add 2 spaces to the end of each line for line breaks
DragonzordRanger ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 06:04:54 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
This was my favorite
PopeInnocentXIV ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:44:27 on February 14, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Gelasio never drove me again after that.
Spinoza42 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 22:21:17 on February 19, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Genius.
Wiffle_Snuff ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:25:44 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Thanks for this. I've had the worst day and this really made me laugh.
tigersandjets ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 06:02:14 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
why is it the worst? :/
Wiffle_Snuff ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 14:44:14 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Relatively speaking it's not the worst. But it was bad for me. My boyfriend of 4 years moved out yesterday. And there is a whole mess at work happening that would take too long to explain. The short version is I'm getting jerked around, doing 2 jobs and just found out I'm not getting the raise I was promised. But things will work out. I'll find another job and maybe being alone isn't so bad.
[deleted] ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 04:32:43 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Am I dum or what. I don't get it
Drumguy08 ยท 3758 points ยท Posted at 15:39:49 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Why do scuba divers fall backwards out of the boat?
'Cause if they fell forwards, they'd still be in the boat.
IFreakinLovePi ยท 610 points ยท Posted at 03:46:00 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Scuba Diver here. Actually most divers only go backwards out of small craft like dinghies where there's no room to jump forwards. We prefer to step forward out off a ledge when possible because there's less disorientation when landing in the water and, more importantly, less of a chance of hitting something with the tank (especially with less experienced divers).
Also, I'm super fun at parties.
animal531 ยท 19 points ยท Posted at 09:31:16 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Why, because you keep getting tanked?
Tetriscuit ยท 31 points ยท Posted at 14:14:19 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
No, he's always the designated diver.
DoingItWrongly ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 06:51:42 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
https://youtu.be/nRCTc6stICc
squidgun ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 11:22:03 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I really hope so. .....
captain_cooked ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:05:52 on February 16, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
What do you mean no room? If there is room to go in backwards wouldn't there be room to go in forwards too?
IFreakinLovePi ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 18:09:32 on February 16, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
To go in forwards, you have to be standing, and you basically take a large step over a flat ledge/platform like a diving board.
When going backwards, you just curl up into a pseudo fetal position, and roll backwards. You do that when you don't have room to stand up or a stable platform to step from. Little dinghies/zodiacs are the best example where you just sit on the side of the boat in just flip your body over it backwards because it'd be too awkward to step over the side of the boat and they're too small/unstable to stand up in.
captain_cooked ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 21:36:16 on February 16, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Ah okay right, I get it now, thanks man
Ex_Ex_Parrot ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:44:42 on March 3, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
My father is a long time scuba diver and teacher; sadly i haven't gpne through and gotten my training yet- but i thought he always said it is usually done because its easier with the weight of the tank on your back as well as being able to hold on to your mask with you hand as you go over. I mean- i know there to be ways to clear a mask underwater, which is important, but i always thought this made a lot of sense to me.
IFreakinLovePi ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 22:03:43 on March 3, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
It's more of a preference thing, but the stepping method's the most common. You've gotta hold your mask and belt (if you have a weight belt) when you go in regardless of direction, and you've sometimes gotta clear the mask going in regardless of direction.
Edit: To be more specific, the stepping method is especially more common among novices because of the lack of disorientation when hitting the water.
Katyperrystwinsister ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:30:14 on May 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Must be, with all your scuba diving stories.
dockerhate ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 21:37:35 on February 14, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Have you met vegitarian and libertarian yet? They would love to hear about scuba diving.
harryhartounian ยท 561 points ยท Posted at 17:34:44 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
But you said "out of the boat."
With that verbiage they could fall backwards, forwards or slantways - because they'd still be falling out of the boat.
Consider this myth... BUSTED!
trustworthysauce ยท 339 points ยท Posted at 20:34:56 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
False. There are a couple of ways you could read this. 'Why do scuba divers fall backwards out of the boat' or 'Why do scuba divers fall backwards out of the boat.' Your response is correct to the first version, but not to the second. I don't know why I wasted my time typing this out.
Maoman1 ยท 49 points ยท Posted at 01:21:53 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Because https://xkcd.com/386/
NES_SNES_N64 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 06:38:49 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Welp I have no original thoughts.
theoneandonlymd ยท 16 points ยท Posted at 01:23:47 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
At least you're honest.
ziggl ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 01:50:56 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Oh hey that helped me at least!
thebigbadben ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 01:20:35 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I still don't see the difference
Evex__ ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 02:08:24 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
In one version, the scuba divers can be facing any which way, while in the other the scuba divers are always facing their backs to the boat.
Therefore if they fall forwards they'd still be in the boat.
thebigbadben ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:58:48 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)*
I can't tell that either of them specify that they have their backs to the boat. Thanks for trying, though
Evex__ ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 03:29:04 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
That's how scuba divers dive, they have to dive in with their air tanks first or else they risk an unnecessary injury.
thebigbadben ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 13:11:41 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Oh, now I see it! It's the difference between falling "backwards, out of the boat" and "backwards-out, of the boat". I feel vindicated because the second version seems like a stretch.
Yes, I understood what the two statements were supposed to convey, I just didn't see how the sentence could actually mean anything besides the first (unjoke-y) version, even with a change in emphasis.
Kiefer0 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 04:26:54 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
120 karma baby! Woo
Thor_Odinson_ ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 04:58:52 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
It would be best to word it as:
dabarassak ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:21:56 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
False, it's true
jaxxon ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:57:36 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
'Why do scuba divers fall backwards out of the boat.'
OrangeSail ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 06:36:02 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Because technicalities are fun!
ORANGESAREBETTERTHAN ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 08:10:15 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
FALSE! Black bears beet Battlestar Galactica.
Wherearemylegs ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 08:19:05 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
No, he's still right. In replacing backwards with forwards, they'd be falling forwards out of the boat which requires different but unspecified means of positioning to fall out of the boat.
Swafflemeister ยท 35 points ยท Posted at 23:39:57 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Why do scuba divers fall backwards into the water?
Because if they fell forward they'd stay on the boat.
harryhartounian ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 23:54:45 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
There it is.
ihahp ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 10:31:26 on February 15, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Nope. same thing applies. If he fell forwards into the water, he wouldn't be in the boat.
imissFPH ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 22:14:52 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
He didn't say forward out of the boat.
ledgersoccer09 ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 20:49:53 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I bet you're fun at parties.
TheWierdAsianKid ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 00:59:07 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I've heard almost every joke in this thread. This was fucking hilarious
Rotuyoh ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 01:47:35 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Hahahaha, The first one to actually make me laugh.
scubaguy194 ยท 13 points ยท Posted at 23:30:30 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Actually, it's to ensure that the dive tank and BCD don't strike the boat on the way in. That tends to end badly.
Source: see username.
TheWarHam ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:32:41 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I mean.. you're absolutely correct but well.. do you know what jokes are?
Moufino ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 01:46:31 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
This is my favorite.
practicalprankster ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 03:28:25 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I shared this one with the wife. She said "Are we still doing this? Oh, then carrot"
Aneds ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:32:44 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I'm a musician and actually told this one in between songs once, the crowd loved it. It's a classic.
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:44:54 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Omg I'm crying
CartoonsAreForKids ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 04:53:53 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Holy shit, I'm stealing this.
Amonette2012 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:30:15 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
This is the one that got me :)
iliketobuildstuff74 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:50:14 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
One of my favorites! I originally saw this joke on Reddit 2 years ago
tehsocks ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 13:13:16 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Hearty belly laugh. Thank you for this gem.
StoryTime_With_Will ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:42:28 on March 1, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
"Timmy, were you in the boat when the boat tipped over?" "No silly, I was in the water."
guitargajoby ยท 353 points ยท Posted at 00:29:45 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
A duck wearing one shoe walks into a bar. The bartender says, "Hey duck, you lost a shoe."
The duck says, "No, I found one."
LilyKnightMcClellan ยท 25 points ยท Posted at 02:58:08 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Another duck joke -
A duck walks into a bar and says, "Got any grapes?" The bartender says, "No." The duck thanks him and leaves. The next day, the duck walks into the bar again and asks, "Got any grapes?" The bartender says, "No, this is a bar, I only serve drinks; we don't have any grapes." The duck thanks him and leaves. The third day, the duck comes back and says, "Got any grapes?" The bartender loses it and yells, "Look you stupid duck, I don't have any grapes, I have never served grapes, and if you come in here looking for grapes again, I'm going to nail your stupid duck beak to the floor!" The duck thanks him and leaves. The next day the duck comes back and says, "Got any nails?" The bartender is confused and says, "No..." The ducks then says, "Got any grapes?"
For some reason when I tell this joke, I give the duck a speech impediment: "Got any gwapes?"
taucxti ยท 12 points ยท Posted at 04:12:16 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
You... you just made the Duck Song into a shitty joke.
I can't believe I'm reading this with my own two eyes
pomlife ยท 13 points ยท Posted at 06:28:35 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Have you considered that the duck joke was around before the video, and maybe the guy who posted the video on YouTube animated a classic joke he heard one time?
taucxti ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 07:12:47 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
It could be possible. And it's very likely.
It just felt really surreal to see it changed a little and passed around and told like a normal joke, you know, I thought EVERYONE knew it, I know those lyrics by heart man. However maybe my perspective of it is warped after the 94th time my immature friends have sent it to me
LilyKnightMcClellan ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 04:16:22 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I didn't make it up though...
RandomRedditorWithNo ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 08:36:28 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Well the little girl does ask for the duck story
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 04:20:13 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
sextuple whamp
gun-nut ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 06:51:19 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I heard a guy give a speech once about growing up during the great depression. He told the same joke but it was him instead of the duck. And the schoolhouses instead of a bar.
TheDjentlemanReturns ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 07:04:55 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I've heard this Duck joke in a movie or a TV show. I can't remember which one. Pls help.
cfmdobbie ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 08:44:30 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I heard that one from a Kiwi, about a Mฤori wearing a jandal. Same joke, but told in a very different accent.
Dastardlydoom ยท 1375 points ยท Posted at 14:41:24 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
What did the right eye say to the left eye? "Between you and me, something smells."
cowboyecosse ยท 25 points ยท Posted at 23:05:20 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Two snowmen are standing in a field, one says to the other, "Can you smell carrots?"
Dastardlydoom ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 23:07:37 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
And a horse comes up and eats the carrots the snowmen yell I can't smell!
FightinTxAg18 ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 02:55:23 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I bet neither one of them nose what it is
Dastardlydoom ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 03:04:01 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Love it LOL ๐
slapofthebass ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 00:33:38 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Best.
Dastardlydoom ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 00:39:46 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Thank you! ๐
Bridgetinerabbit ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 03:22:53 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I actually heard a rim shot when I finished reading that.
Dastardlydoom ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 03:26:26 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Love it Lol ๐
ImNeworsomething ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 05:01:18 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
You're just following a script!
nicehotcuppatea ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 06:14:31 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
What did the left nut say to the right nut?
"I think the guy in the middle is a bit of a dick "
Dastardlydoom ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 14:31:38 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
That is funny, LOL so funny, ๐
chumly143 ยท 233 points ยท Posted at 20:57:06 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
What do you call two crows? Attempted Murder.
[deleted] ยท 16 points ยท Posted at 05:56:57 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
For those who don't understand: a bunch of crows is called a "murder," kind of like a gaggle of geese.
PAxlFitz ยท 7 points ยท Posted at 12:53:33 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Thanks
03909 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 01:37:33 on February 16, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I actually like this...
Maybe I should so learning useless information like what a group of crows is called...
[deleted] ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 05:53:03 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
If I could I would have given you gold.
Dastardlydoom ยท 4039 points ยท Posted at 14:43:18 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Have you ever tried to eat a clock? Its very time consuming.
oldmermen ยท 2362 points ยท Posted at 15:07:04 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I went back for seconds.
F0RGERY ยท 451 points ยท Posted at 18:00:00 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Of course you would. Their portions are so minute.
[deleted] ยท 18 points ยท Posted at 03:14:19 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I tried to explain that to the pretty waitress but she just told me to watch my hands.
F0RGERY ยท 11 points ยท Posted at 03:41:41 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
She was just warning you of the wrists involved.
MIdgetRice ยท 8 points ยท Posted at 05:30:27 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I guess it's time for another one of those threads.
82Caff ยท 11 points ยท Posted at 02:03:59 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I have to admit I feel that hours were the biggest.
Vik3628 ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 03:16:33 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Get out
Morningxafter ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 00:51:45 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Not at hour house. We really like to stuff our faces.
[deleted] ยท 7 points ยท Posted at 01:29:58 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Watch out for the batteries in there.
wererat2000 ยท 8 points ยท Posted at 01:48:04 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
This pun is getting out of hand.
Twirrim ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 01:57:30 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
To be honest they're ticking me off.
Mossed84 ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 04:02:14 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
You guys are all tock'.
Twirrim ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 04:40:36 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Are you trying to wind me up?
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 11:46:39 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Thats why you eat the clock, analog! Haha
SgtKashim ยท 717 points ยท Posted at 17:16:28 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I've got to hand it to you...
kerrykerrykerry1 ยท 461 points ยท Posted at 19:50:29 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Ho ho hoooo, watch out for this guy.
Dexaan ยท 407 points ยท Posted at 20:00:04 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
He alarms me.
Death_the_1st ยท 385 points ยท Posted at 21:07:27 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Knock it off, guys. Second hand puns aren't funny...
WeaponsGradeHumanity ยท 50 points ยท Posted at 21:33:15 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Face it, they're only going to keep getting worse.
orcscorper ยท 45 points ยท Posted at 21:39:32 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Hour you guys done yet?
fuzzy11287 ยท 58 points ยท Posted at 22:10:18 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
They're just getting wound up.
heartbroken_bopper ยท 45 points ยท Posted at 22:13:57 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Well it's ticking me off.
[deleted] ยท 10 points ยท Posted at 22:25:41 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
[deleted]
Forikorder ยท 8 points ยท Posted at 23:51:13 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
we need a time out
Skerries ยท 8 points ยท Posted at 00:06:08 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
just as well otherwise I'd have to clock you one
Midnight-Runner ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 03:22:48 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Watch it buddy
LapidistCubed ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 04:50:49 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
clock.
huskola ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:31:03 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
They are cookoo!!
CloudClamour ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:19:17 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Clock
Twitchy_throttle ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:40:11 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I don't know what the heck any of you are tocking about.
_lukey___ ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 07:36:20 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
SCREW ALL OF YOU GUYS IM SO MAD
Scarletfapper ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 11:49:32 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Hold on guys, I'm writing the minutes.
mister_gone ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 21:47:27 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
You seem pretty ticked off.
PlaceboJesus ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 23:30:55 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
They've been winding him up.
xerox13ster ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 23:53:14 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Wait a minute, I want to hear more of these!
Spncrgmn ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:06:46 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
We've devolved from puns to wordplay, I see.
mdeeemer ยท 182 points ยท Posted at 21:14:07 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I'm so ticked right now.
kFuZz ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 01:51:30 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Broken clock jokes really grind my gears.
aTrickyPig ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 21:36:55 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Don't ruin hour pun thread.
hardboiledjuice ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 21:46:43 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Didn't mean to wind you up.
sooprvylyn ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 22:00:17 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
If the puns dont stop im gonna clock someone
Herra_Ratatoskr ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 00:43:26 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
No need to go cuckoo.
calicotrinket ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 05:01:09 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
One second, let me just call the cops just in case.
KyloRen33 ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 02:35:28 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I'm watching you!
Hfifm4 ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 00:32:39 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
That's a lot of big tock coming from you
CommieColin ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 03:30:17 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
You guys are cuckoo
HoochieKoo ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 03:41:40 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
GMT
ForceGauge ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 04:46:08 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Clocks
Zero4505 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:28:32 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Wait a minute
kkehoe5 ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 00:59:10 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Any minute now this pun train will end.
dethzilla ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 01:11:25 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
How are men's nut sack hands
mitigated_mind ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 06:53:01 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Well it's about time to hit that ol dusty trial then
MilitantRabbit ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 03:37:42 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I'm sure his life is full of complications!
SgtKashim ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 19:55:23 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Don't mind me - I'm abandoning puns.
Mirshikar ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 03:23:07 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Hour you guys coming up with these?
Paleomedicine ยท 11 points ยท Posted at 17:30:23 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
The best part are the hands.
jbhall36 ยท 14 points ยท Posted at 18:18:02 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Hands down the best part.
Bigmaq ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 21:50:59 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Not me though! I have to maintain my hourglass figure.
[deleted] ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 16:01:19 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
HA!
bostwickenator ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 01:34:12 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
This made me grit my teeth. Good job!
thebush007 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 02:47:30 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
go to bed dad
Slanderous ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:16:08 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
but on the other hand...
Dastardlydoom ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:08:35 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Love it!!!!!!
you_got_fragged ยท 579 points ยท Posted at 19:06:43 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
6:30 is the best time on the clock, hands down.
cgsdawgs ยท 7 points ยท Posted at 06:59:59 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I don't mean to be THAT guy, but technically speaking, the hands are the same amount of down at 5:30
xtramile1 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 02:54:40 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
"Undisputed best in the burbs"
Anyone?
Trying to make a long shot of a reference here
thektulu7 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 06:12:55 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
No
xtramile1 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 13:58:36 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
http://youtu.be/JvaHeCHz-_g
Webby uses your joke in a freestyle in this vid.
foragerr ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 14:33:38 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Nitpick:
Except 5:30 is just as hands down-ly good. Note that the hours and minutes hands are not aligned at 6:30, like they are are 12:00. The hours hand is half way between 6 and 7. And halfway between 5 and 6 for 5:30
you_got_fragged ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 14:56:42 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
12:00 is cool though. Hands up, who likes 12:00?
Dastardlydoom ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 19:08:19 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Love it!
mukansamonkey ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 13:00:51 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
It's either 6:15, or Mickey's got a hardon! - George Carlin
bumberclart ยท 204 points ยท Posted at 17:20:20 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
When is the best time to go to the dentist? Tooth hurty
updn ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 19:27:03 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Probably as soon as you can get an appointment. Tooth decay is no laughing matter.
gn0xious ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 03:32:41 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
False. The best time to go to the dentist is during routine checkups roughly 6 months apart to avoid the many preventable causes of toothache.
Dastardlydoom ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 17:24:28 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
When? Did you try to eat a clock? :) Anytime.
bumberclart ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 17:48:20 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Well I mean, preferably when you have an appointment but I suppose you could just go there and sit in the waiting room for a while...
Dastardlydoom ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:51:17 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I think the first appointment in the morning when they open so you don't have to wait and watch time fly.
CalvinistBaptist ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:20:43 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Yeah, it's a bit of a thinker.
Mattiam ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:07:30 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I drop this almost reflexively whenever someone says 2:30. "Isn't that the best time to go to the dentist?"
hitlerdick420 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 22:27:24 on February 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Usually I hear that as a racist joke ("when did the Asian man go to the dentist?")
origiins ยท 9 points ยท Posted at 23:25:33 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Have you tried eating a door? Takes like a year
Dastardlydoom ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 23:26:46 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
How about the floor?
[deleted] ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 21:41:44 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
[deleted]
Dastardlydoom ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 21:44:38 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Took me a second. LOL
gaspitsjesse ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 20:16:57 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
It took me a minute, but, I went back for seconds.
Dastardlydoom ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 20:18:16 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Awesome Lol :)
TurtleofAwesomeness ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 00:11:56 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
That's more of a grandfather joke.
Dastardlydoom ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:18:15 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Yes a clock would love it ๐
stefonio ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 01:37:29 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I did try a door once
Dastardlydoom ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:39:47 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Does the flavor ring a bell?
therealScarzilla ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 04:46:27 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
This reminds me, we were pouring concrete a few days ago and the shop foreman walked up and shoved a broken wall clock into the concrete we had just laid, "the concrete needs a little more time to set up".
Dastardlydoom ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 04:48:27 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Love LOL great ๐
TorontoRider ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 03:09:01 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
If it's a calendar clock, you can save the dates for dessert.
Dastardlydoom ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:15:10 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
That sounds like it is a timely idea, love it!๐
actual_factual_bear ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 03:14:42 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I live on Minute Street. You may know it by its other name, 62nd street.
Dastardlydoom ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:16:56 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
A www that is so timely! ๐
obsterwankenobster ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 03:22:20 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
My clock's face is lopsided because it had a stroke of midnight
Dastardlydoom ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:23:45 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Oh no maybe if you tilt the second hand it will feel better. ๐
thegreatestajax ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 04:18:40 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Not as tasty as a wooden door.
Dastardlydoom ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 04:19:44 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
How about a window? ๐
hotdinner ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 04:55:42 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
No but I'm still trying to eat the wooden door.
Dastardlydoom ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:01:56 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Oh nooooo that will take to much time. ๐
NextSoulTaken ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 20:19:26 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Have you ever tried to eat a glock? It'll blow you away.
Dastardlydoom ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 20:21:29 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Have you tried to eat a truck? It'go right through you.
TheRealBort ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 20:27:21 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)*
Have you ever tried to catch a clock? Pffft, ain't nobody time for that.
Dastardlydoom ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 21:23:44 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I dont have time to catch a clock the minutes are flying by.
CheekooS ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 21:55:30 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
it's driving me coo coo
Dastardlydoom ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 21:56:39 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
me too :)
Ceejnew ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:02:01 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I feel sorry for roofing companies. They have a lot of overhead.
Dastardlydoom ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:05:22 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
LOL ๐
Undecided_User_Name ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:18:06 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Wait a tic
Dastardlydoom ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:21:07 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Or let's toc ๐
infinitum17 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:53:18 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Did you hear about the tabletop manufacturers who tried to strike for higher wages, but ended up giving in and working anyway? It was counter productive.
Dastardlydoom ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 00:59:28 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
That rocks and rolls LOL ๐
say-something-nice ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:25:00 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
No but i turned my watch into belt...It was a waist of time
Dastardlydoom ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 01:31:54 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Love it , wasting time stinks I hate watching the seconds fly. ๐
say-something-nice ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:38:42 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Threw some clocks at each when we arrived too early, time flew
Dastardlydoom ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 01:41:57 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Sounds like a cuckoo idea! ๐
AdiX92 ยท -2 points ยท Posted at 18:53:59 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
That should not crack anybody up
[deleted] ยท 3195 points ยท Posted at 16:45:31 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Two cows are grazing in a pasture. One cow turns to the other and says "What do you think about this mad cow disease?" The other cow responds: "Doesn't bother me. I'm a helicopter".
[deleted] ยท 1875 points ยท Posted at 20:54:48 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
i like it better when the second says he's a chicken. because then you have to wonder which one is crazy, and then you have to realize it's you because neither of those animals are capable of conversing
[deleted] ยท 453 points ยท Posted at 22:15:20 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
2deep4me
rhetoric_trex ยท 53 points ยท Posted at 00:59:59 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
So deep Adele rolled in it.
TheMeatsiah ยท 18 points ยท Posted at 05:11:42 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Goddamn it Adele you JUST had a bath!
SexyPotatoKing ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 10:42:31 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
And crushed it.
OPs_Mom_and_Dad ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 00:34:23 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
This comment is 2(cool) + 2(be) = 4(gotten)
doubledongbot ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 23:50:50 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
3spooky5me
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:56:44 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)*
[deleted]
V1russ ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 08:40:40 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
This guyy
zukamiku ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 03:06:10 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Shh bby is ok
V1russ ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 08:41:06 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
7meta8me(me)
Lamarwpg ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 23:35:16 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
That's what she said
Brailledit ยท -2 points ยท Posted at 01:27:05 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Your mom! Dangit... Sorry all. I tried.
Au_Struck_Geologist ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 01:14:40 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Or then you reveal that the conversation is happening inside some guy's head while he's eating a burger and wings
basementbrewer ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 01:59:56 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
In that vein: 2 muffin are in the oven and 1 says to the other "boy it's hot in here," and the other one screamed "AH! A talking muffin!"
Gregoryv022 ยท 10 points ยท Posted at 22:19:04 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
And helicopters are?
evictor ยท 10 points ยท Posted at 00:38:41 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
yes
bioruffo ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 03:01:54 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Do you mean there's a mad chicken disease too?
Leet_Noob ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 03:22:46 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Reminds me of:
There are two sausages in a frying pan. One goes "Ah! It's hot in here!" The other responds "Holy crap, a talking sausage!"
DanTheManVan ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:39:40 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
El pollo loco.
Papajon87 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:45:15 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Thank you
Goldballz ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:58:06 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
gonna use this joke next time i'm stoned
psnanda ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 06:01:05 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
2edgy4me
Swagganosaurus ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 12:36:10 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I remember a similar joke but the second cow reply was :"holy shit! A talking cow"
mhdozier ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:02:23 on February 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I disagree, but I respect your opinion.
siamthailand ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 03:30:47 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Jack Handey?
Austinswill ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 04:15:33 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Reminds me of the two bisquites in an oven... oNE says to the other "man, it's really starting to get hot in here... the other one says"holy shit, a talking bisquit"
Pangolin007 ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 04:54:04 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
How about:
"I was grazing in pasture with this other cow. I asked her, "What do you think about this mad cow disease?" She said, "Doesn't bother me. We're chickens."
[deleted] ยท 274 points ยท Posted at 22:14:50 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Two cannibals are eating a clown. One turns to the the other and asks, "Does this taste funny to you?"
actual_factual_bear ยท 12 points ยท Posted at 03:17:15 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Once when I was a kid I was in the car and my dad was driving, when I suddenly pointed at a car driving the other direction and exclaimed:
"Hey, who are those clowns?"
My dad glanced over and laughed. The car literally had four clowns sitting in it.
you_got_fragged ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 04:35:37 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
There's another 40 in the back though
Blockhead47 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 12:14:58 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Hey! Don't drink and drive!
Meterus ยท 8 points ยท Posted at 01:44:03 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
So the second one says "I'm having a ball", and the first one says "Stop eating so fast!"
IAMA_dragon-AMA ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 04:36:43 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Two cannibals are talking during a meal. One says to the other, "y'know, I really hate my mother-in-law." The other replies, "so try the salad."
PKELLY18 ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 03:11:16 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Uh, G-Rated tho...
Verdungo ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:43:20 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I'm done.
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 10:33:25 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Thanks. My girlfriend is now mad at me because I woke her up from laughing at this.
Kebble ยท 10 points ยท Posted at 01:30:01 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
A man and his wife orders at a restaurant. The man asks for a steak but specifies he wants it barely cooked, as in it should barely be on the grill for 5 seconds
The waiter, puzzled, asks "What about the mad cow?"
The man replies "She'll have a salad."
[deleted] ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 01:52:22 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Two cows are standing in a field. One turns to the other and says: "Mooooo!"
The other replies: "I was just about to say that!"
NHKeys ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 01:02:38 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
What do you call a cow with 2 legs?
Lean beef.
What do you call a cow with no legs?
Ground beef.
calicotrinket ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 05:03:48 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Where do you find a cow with no legs?
Where you left it at.
HemHaw ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 06:48:10 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
What do you call the cow holding up the cow with only two legs?
Lean beef.
ReasonablyBadass ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 02:46:42 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
"Not this Otherkin shit again, Terry"
priezy ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 19:41:19 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I only laughed out loud at this one.
andreagassi ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:27:43 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Same, that shit is great!
rugmunchkin ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 21:07:39 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I don't get this one...
schwarzermond ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 21:18:19 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
The other cow already has mad cow disease - he's crazy so he thinks he's a helicopter.
[deleted] ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 20:51:20 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
[deleted]
[deleted] ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 02:05:52 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Redditor or parrot? Who can tell?
MrNeedAbout350 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 21:16:53 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Did you just make that up?
Illogical_Blox ยท 15 points ยท Posted at 21:26:00 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Nah, it's some dumb copypasta from years ago.
xkcdhatman ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 21:30:24 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
It's a well known copypasta
Skithana ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:53:30 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
This made me laugh more than it should have.
fancyHODOR ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:46:27 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Dangit now I'm afraid of Prions again.
OriginalUsername274 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:38:57 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
If I have 30 cows and 28 chickens, how many didn't?
10! (Works better when spoken for obvious reasons)
dumahen ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 04:44:40 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
And then that cow pulled out a laptop and started posting on Tumblr.
08mms ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:02:55 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Two hippie brownies are put into the oven together and one says to the other, "what do you want to do now?" and the other says "Holy shit! A talking brownie!"
mbelf ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:18:28 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Two sausages are in a frying pan. One says to the other "God, it's so hot in here!". The other one says "Oh my god, a talking sausage!"
Mesha8 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:38:08 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I have heard this joke from some many people, in like 4 different languages, and the other cow is always a helicopter. I just love the consistency of this one.
Deadpoolisms ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 06:15:52 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I laughed way too hard at this. I'm almost embarrassed. Going into the Dad Joke platinum vault for life.
earlysong ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 06:43:47 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
This is my favorite. I tell it every time I have a chance.
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:13:08 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
REEEEEEE
Rockstarjoe ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 01:34:42 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
In my version the second cow says, "Oh my god! A talking cow!"
hickfield ยท 895 points ยท Posted at 01:00:11 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
What's the bare minimum? 1 bear.
icarus14 ยท 15 points ยท Posted at 03:27:13 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
bear jokes are life
whisperingsage ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 04:57:36 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
First one to get me.
actual_factual_bear ยท 8 points ยท Posted at 03:36:22 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I approve of this joke!
bearrrrrica ยท 8 points ยท Posted at 04:57:52 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Me too!
Scherzkeks ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 04:17:50 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Better than 0.7 of a bear :/
bitterroot9 ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 14:29:19 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Obligatory 5/7.
SgtLemming ยท 7 points ยท Posted at 05:32:14 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Are we assuming bears only exist as integers? If not than lim f(bears)->0 is 0. If so, then your joke is sound.
mrglubglub ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 06:04:55 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
r/bearjokes
Twitchy_throttle ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 05:40:47 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
This is my favourite. Short and punchy.
BoxOfDOG ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 06:20:21 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Oh my word, this one slayed me.
DeceptiveDuck ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 06:28:04 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
False! Black bear.
eclipsesix ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 06:33:37 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Bears beats Battlestar gallatica
kuhkuhkaylaaa ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 07:59:18 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
*beets
blay12 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:28:55 on February 16, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Late to the game here, but the quote is listing 3 things: "Bears. Beets. Battlestar Galactica." because those are the things that Dwight often mentions.
protoknuckles ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:58:37 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
This made me laugh way harder than it should have. A slight chuckle.
IKEA_samurai_sword ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 07:20:10 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
this made me laugh the hardest yet
fuzzykittyfeets ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:51:34 on March 4, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I'm a budget analyst in the midst of making a very very tight budget for next year. This will be whispered in meetings forever. Thank you.
dimethylTRAPtamine ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 19:55:22 on February 14, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Bad
hiiiperyon ยท 6885 points ยท Posted at 16:29:29 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
A Mexican magician says that he'll disappear on the count of three.
"Uno... dos..." POOF!
He disappeared without a tres.
TheDroopy ยท 470 points ยท Posted at 22:02:24 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
People say they're worried that my friend is doing his disappearing act too much. But I know it's just a stage he's going through.
GaryBettmanSucks ยท 11 points ยท Posted at 02:51:41 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
That's amazing
Skulfunk ยท 3525 points ยท Posted at 18:51:13 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
"WITHOUT A TRES CAARRL"
boardinggoji ยท 1243 points ยท Posted at 21:23:49 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
It's CORRAALLL. You're doing it wrong.
[deleted] ยท 80 points ยท Posted at 00:02:36 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
[deleted]
Szalkow ยท 127 points ยท Posted at 00:06:54 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Walking Dead + Dad jokes.
/r/heycarl
silverhydra ยท 84 points ยท Posted at 00:59:43 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Thought it was referencing Llamas with Hats for some reason.
articulateantagonist ยท 42 points ยท Posted at 01:39:58 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Caarrrrlll, that kills people!
L_T_Smash487 ยท 10 points ยท Posted at 02:37:43 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Oh I did not know that
Midnight-Runner ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 03:18:52 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I just had a hunger that only hands could cure
taucxti ยท 14 points ยท Posted at 03:36:33 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
ftfy
Midnight-Runner ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 04:02:44 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Tht ^
you_got_fragged ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 04:32:15 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
HOW COULD YOU NOT KNOW THAT?
footballcaleb ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 03:25:40 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Yesss llamas with hats is hype
MaddieRose13 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 09:39:30 on February 24, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Have you seen the final ones though? Fucking dark.
boomer478 ยท 16 points ยท Posted at 00:36:38 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Omg thank you.
The face makes it.
SecondHarleqwin ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 03:19:03 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Should've been /r/WalkingDad
whothefuckcares666 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 00:07:07 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Here ya go:
http://knowyourmeme.com/memes/carl
deechin ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:39:52 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
this is the first thing in this thread that made me lol. thank you.
TheNerdySimulation ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:29:48 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Yes they are, and to answer your next question, No, it is not funny.
lemlemons ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 03:01:43 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
its a sex thing, you dont want to know
^(i dont get it either)
InitiallyAnAsshole ยท 7 points ยท Posted at 01:28:31 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Yeah what a dick. Carrrl is for that sociopathic Llama.
UnstableMonkey ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 02:37:14 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Cooarrral that kills people
Doiihachirou ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 03:29:03 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:27:18 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I prefer Qwrrllll. Who needs vowels?
Volkar ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 11:22:58 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
More like KWWWRRRRLLL these days. Check out r/heycarl !
pikaluva13 ยท 74 points ยท Posted at 19:20:54 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
This is how I first saw this. Facebook friend often posts these.
MjrJWPowell ยท 7 points ยท Posted at 22:11:30 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
r/heycarl
Crassusinyourasses ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 20:53:03 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
CAARL? WHERE's CAAARL?
Proph_Farnsworth ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 01:18:00 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Without a trace Caaarrrrrlllooosss
jordansideas ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:51:55 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
SIX CALLERS AHEAD OF US JIMMY
sHockz ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 07:00:30 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
here you go... https://www.reddit.com/r/HeyCarl/comments/45j6qk/rick_tells_a_joke/
Kingdomheartsfan891 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:38:04 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I collapsed this comment and then thought to myself "WITHOUT A TRACE CORALL" then I had to reopen the parent comment just to make sure this was the reply
MagmaCream ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:21:14 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
No offense but how does a shitty low effort comment like this break 1k upvotes.
[deleted] ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 02:14:59 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
/r/HeyCarl
Skulfunk ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 06:13:30 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Truthfully I never expected it to break 5 upvotes
I was aiming for at least 3
Criticon ยท 344 points ยท Posted at 23:52:32 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
doesn't work if spanish is your mother language :(
Took me a lot to get it
-obedear ยท 33 points ยท Posted at 02:12:19 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Me la explicas? :(
Criticon ยท 113 points ยท Posted at 02:18:25 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Tienes que decir "tres" como gringou
FILE_ID_DIZ ยท 81 points ยท Posted at 02:58:54 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
ayy lmao
i_wanted_to_say ยท 19 points ยท Posted at 04:22:34 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Jajajaja
Mikal_Scott ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 06:30:08 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Don't you mean RMTF, not lmao? Riendo mi trasero fuera
FILE_ID_DIZ ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:03:00 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I guess, but you gotta stay true to (i.e., mindlessly repeat) the meme.
always_trolled ยท 43 points ยท Posted at 03:43:17 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
"You have to say 'tres' like a white boy"
Thanh42 ยท 8 points ยท Posted at 07:11:41 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I don't even speak/read Spanish and still understood what he said.
5coolest ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 11:50:39 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
That's because it makes more sense if you don't speak Spanish.
bitterroot9 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 14:37:18 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
High five! We are in league! Call it the EFL.
English as a First Language.
5coolest ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:06:17 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
English is my second language...
Timwi ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 05:00:16 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
This was the first thing in this thread that actually made me laugh, and I don't even speak Spanish.
becca_books_beck ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 05:28:54 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
"tiyenes quey deisiar chereis cou mou grin gou"
h3lblad3 ยท 46 points ยท Posted at 02:25:27 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
It's a pun pronouncing "tres" as the English word "trace".
-obedear ยท 12 points ยท Posted at 03:57:43 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Oh shit that's good.
Alarconadame ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 05:24:54 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Yo tambiรฉn estuve espulgando comentarios para encontrar el chiste.
Zeppelinman1 ยท -1 points ยท Posted at 04:16:26 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Wait, i thought that was the proper pronunciation.
becca_books_beck ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 05:30:48 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
"tres" is closer (but not exactly) like "tress", especially if you don't pronounce it like "chress".
PM_ME_UR_OBSIDIAN ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 05:37:07 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
As a gringo, I think it's closer to "dress" with a rolling R.
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 04:42:16 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Listen to it at 1:23
https://youtu.be/iVyUMBmfDiY?t=83
It's sounds close to us, but is still pretty different
[deleted] ยท 22 points ยท Posted at 03:00:58 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
[deleted]
hariolus ยท 7 points ยท Posted at 05:47:06 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
"Well Felice Navidad to you too motherfucker."
yomerol ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 03:55:24 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I had to guguel it vato... every Juan would say is not funny
ocha_94 ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 05:00:22 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Same here, I spent 20 seconds saying "tres" until I could relate it to an English word
deruch ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 05:43:23 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Play-on-words jokes don't translate at all. For example:
ยฟquรฉ tiene en comรบn una manzana con un tren?
No es pera.
Haeguil ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 12:32:02 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Yup. I was all "a tres...? So like, a dress? Wait... Oh..."
Robert_Skywalker ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:56:16 on February 14, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
As someone learning Spanish, why doesn't it make sense?
delitt ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 09:25:57 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I still dont get it
becca_books_beck ยท -1 points ยท Posted at 05:32:21 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Especially since I automatically pronounce it in my head like I usually pronounce it in Spanish "trej" or in English "treh" with a pronounced "h" that may or may not be there depending on my mood.
acmarkes ยท -14 points ยท Posted at 03:34:43 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Doesn't work if you know anything about Spanish.
cuntweiner ยท 24 points ยท Posted at 03:45:31 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Yes it does, you pretentious douche.
[deleted] ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 05:33:00 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
It only works if you know how to count to three in Spanish.
acmarkes ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 14:29:13 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Shit, I'm sorry I don't pronounce tres as trace. Blame my upbringing
Swazzoo ยท 115 points ยท Posted at 19:01:43 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Okay this one really had me thinking, but is tres suppose to sound like 'trace'? Because I've never heard it being pronounced like that.
LordAcorn ยท 246 points ยท Posted at 19:37:01 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
it's pronounced that way when you speak it with a really heavy American accent
Arrow218 ยท 24 points ยท Posted at 23:52:38 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
It doesn't have to be very heavy. Most people I've met say it that way.
evictor ยท 77 points ยท Posted at 00:32:44 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
"tres" pronounced correctly in Spanish is not at all far from "trace" in English, American or otherwise
TheJix ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 01:00:58 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I think is pretty far from trace or maybe it's just me
ArtSchnurple ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 01:10:45 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
What's it sound like to you? And don't say it sounds like tres, that's cheating.
PM_ME_ROBOT_PR0N ยท 9 points ยท Posted at 01:27:35 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
More like the 'e' in 'dress'
I am assuming
[deleted] ยท -3 points ยท Posted at 02:03:45 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)*
Vowels in Spanish are pronounced:
A = ah
E =ay
I = ee
O = oh
U = ooh
Tres is essentially pronounced identically to trace.
Source: every Spanish class I ever had.
Luquitaz ยท 7 points ยท Posted at 02:23:59 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
E is eh sound as in meh or egg it is definitely not ay.
Kieselguhr_Kid ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 06:13:19 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
You're being downvoted, but you're exactly right.
TheJix ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 01:28:46 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I think the "e" is different, similar to "get".
neilarmsloth ยท -3 points ยท Posted at 01:44:15 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
nah in spanish it rhymes with lace or brace
TheJix ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 01:50:18 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Yeah that's more accurate
Luquitaz ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 02:25:03 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Not it actually is like "get", tres doesn't rhyme with lace or brace if you pronounce correctly. It would actually rhyme with mess.
bugphotoguy ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 01:14:06 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
In England, if you put on a Spanish accent when you say "trace", it is basically "tres".
neozuki ยท 10 points ยท Posted at 01:10:58 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Yeah tres is crisp with the r sound and the e is more like 'eh'. Trace has a completely different r sound and has the 'ay' sound in the middle. I'm not positive but I think the s sound is shorter in tres and also uses a little less of the tongue.
sumduud14 ยท 29 points ยท Posted at 01:27:22 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
If a person came up to you and said "There's no tres of him", would you be confused and not know which English word he meant, or would you know what he meant?
I would definitely know what he meant, so that means it's close enough for a joke - no-one is saying they are pronounced exactly the same way, just similarly enough.
Hyperlingual ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 03:24:36 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)*
They sound close enough to understand in context, sure, but it took me a full 30 seconds to understand the joke because, being a speaker of Spanish and English, in my head I heard /tษพes/ in Spanish instead of /tอกสษนeษชs/ as in English.
Luquitaz ยท 7 points ยท Posted at 02:23:08 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
My sisters and I are all bilingual having been born in latin america but lived a significant portion of our childhood in the USA and I decided not to tell them this joke because the difference in pronounciation is enough to ruin the flow of the joke and I would probably have to explain it.
neozuki ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 12:02:36 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
It depends. If I'm expecting English I'll probably hear tres and interpret it as trace but they just sound so different to my ear. English sounds really wet compared to Spanish but I'm sure that's a terrible way to explain it.
Edit: I know it's a joke but I'm just curious how others hear and pronounce these words.
TheJix ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 01:47:52 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zfAz8Qx8uw0
At the beginning you can hear it the way we pronounce it
YT_Reddit_Bot ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:48:00 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
unforgivablecursive ยท 7 points ยท Posted at 00:14:40 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I never realised I had a heavy American accent before now. I have the "tv accent," meaning that I sound just like all the news reporters.
Beekle ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 00:58:04 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I think it's referred to as a Midwestern accent. I have the same one.
mrcdubbin ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:53:22 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
News reporters don't even actually sound like news reporters.
Maharog ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:32:23 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
The "tv accent" is a California accent. Popularized heavily by Hollywood. The first time i went to Australia I was blown away that all the news reports sounded the same as back home.
samtwheels ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 02:54:29 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
No, it's Midwestern.
[deleted] ยท -5 points ยท Posted at 03:42:42 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
[deleted]
samtwheels ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 03:47:55 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
According to this, the accent most commonly used on radio and TV is descended from the Midwest. Also, it is anecdotal and not really good evidence, but I live in the Midwest and cannot hear any real accent on most people on TV.
-patrizio- ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 01:26:14 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Okay but even pronounced properly it's close enough to be understood.
OneGiantJohnson ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 01:03:25 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Or you could say 'trace' with a really think Mexican accent and it'd have the same effect
[deleted] ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 02:45:44 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Here's a Spanish speaker pronouncing it like "trace"
Geo1995 ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 23:51:13 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Doesn't the whole world speak with an American accent? Is this why I failed French class?
JenniferMcKay ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:45:48 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
TIL I have a really heavy American accent
TsarKeith12 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:06:21 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
... It isn't actually pronounced tres?
Thungergod ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:37:04 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
What is this American accent you speak of?? It's everyone else who has an accent.
ameristraliacitizen ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:01:35 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Can confirm, am America
How is it pronounced in your freedom less country?
(There is a difference but it's just changing the e sound to an a, which isn't a stretch)
anwoods ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 04:13:16 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
This is how my dad orders 3 tacos at a Mexican restaurant. Sounds exactly like the word, trace.
ShesAKillerQueen ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 12:13:57 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I was under the impression that the magician has an accent so "trace" would sound like "tres"
GordionKnot ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:12:46 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
no? It sounds like trace with a proper Spanish pronunciation
little_seed ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 01:40:05 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
wait what, there are minor american accents? I thought there was only cali, southern, and Midwest
Ice_Cold345 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 02:02:02 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Look up the Boston accent. An -ar sound gets pronounced with a very hard arr sound and almost impossible to say the letter R without rolling it. My AP Stats teacher and I loved when he tried to say or my friend's name.
Hyperlingual ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 03:32:12 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)*
Here's a map of American English dialects, though the reality is even more complicated than that. Small regions often develop their dialects and accents as well. I'm sure you've heard of a stereotypical New York City or Boston accent, but there are plenty more. Tangier Island English is one of my favorites. If you're ever in the mood for a good documentary on the subject, I suggest that one, American Tongues. It's a bit outdated by now, but it's pretty decent.
GrayFox2510 ยท 18 points ยท Posted at 22:23:35 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
As someone who speaks Spanish first, I didn't get either until you said this.
The 'e' in "tres" in Spanish is closer to the 'e' in "get." It's like a hard sound. But as /u/LordAcorn said, yes, I can imagine someone saying it like "trace" under a heavy American accent.
[deleted] ยท 9 points ยท Posted at 00:23:36 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)*
[deleted]
hardman52 ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 01:30:18 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
"we don't have a vowel that sounds quite the same as the e in tres.
Eh?
Luquitaz ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 02:26:59 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
As a native spanish speaker that lived in the USA I find the E in tres actually very similar to the E sound americans say in mess.
OneSeventhofMachoMan ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 02:11:39 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
WHERE MAH COUNTRY GONE?!
(Being facetious and quoting South Park, pls no ban)
[deleted] ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 02:48:05 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I studied Spanish for 6 years, and a lot of my family natively speaks Spanish, and I always heard it more like "trayce" than "trehce".
I looked for a video, and it sounds more like "ay" to me: https://youtu.be/cfuhEASMdgE?t=82
[deleted] ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 00:39:49 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Rhymes with press. Soft "t" and "r".
Swazzoo ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 00:46:59 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Yeah, that's how I pronounce it as well.
[deleted] ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 02:10:36 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
But the e in press is more open than in tres
Teri_Windwalker ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 00:28:10 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
https://youtu.be/sZQ3FiKf09M?t=32 Pretty Fly For A White Guy: The Standard American Pronounciation of those words.
kadathsc ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 01:29:23 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Thank you. As a native Spanish speaker I was madly spinning gears trying to figure out the joke!
goshin2568 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 04:30:53 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
It's just how you would say it in an American accent
tom641 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:57:07 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
at least as an american with presumably an american accent I pronounce it "ooono, doess, trehss"
ScroopDoops ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:44:48 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I'm trying to figure out how to pronounce tres and trace without them sounding similar.
For context I have a standard American accent, nothing exaggerated. And I speak Spanish with a decent Mexican accent.
thetruther ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:06:20 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
My wife grew up speaking Spanish did not get it for the this reason, they do not sound the same to her.
eduardog3000 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:16:17 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)*
The sound of the e has been covered, but another problem is "tr" is actually pronounced "chr" in English (in America at least). So "trace" is pronounced /tสษนeษชs/ (/tส/ is the "ch" sound), while "tres" is pronounced /tษพes/ (with a normal "t" sound).
evilcheesypoof ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:04:40 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
No, "Tres" almost rhymes with "dress", but Americans tend to pronounce it closer to "trace" and it's close enough to get the joke anyways.
[deleted] ยท -11 points ยท Posted at 19:16:08 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)*
[deleted]
Swazzoo ยท 8 points ยท Posted at 19:25:22 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I though the 'es' was like the 'es' in best.
[deleted] ยท -10 points ยท Posted at 19:29:47 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)*
[deleted]
RadFNP ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 01:00:15 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
okay so now I am really curious, are the people who are down voting this Spanish speakers?
[deleted] ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 01:03:34 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)*
[deleted]
Third_Grammar_Reich ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 01:10:22 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
My Spanish teachers specifically taught us to pronounce vowels in the way you described, and I haven't heard many differences in that pattern from native Spanish speakers.
UOUPv2 ยท 7 points ยท Posted at 21:25:27 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
E sounds like an e, not a freaking a.
Third_Grammar_Reich ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:08:25 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Really? Apparently I was lied to by Spanish teachers, because what he described was exactly how I was taught to pronounce vowels for four years of Spanish.
UOUPv2 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 03:02:31 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Yeah I guess, unless the Spanish say traes but in my city we say tr[b]es[t].
iLoveLamp83 ยท -7 points ยท Posted at 21:50:48 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
si me digas
UOUPv2 ยท 7 points ยท Posted at 22:42:19 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
FTFY.
apologeticPalpatine ยท 18 points ยท Posted at 17:41:27 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Best one so far
TouchdownTom ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 23:12:49 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
didyoueverseeapimprockamicrophone
thatdbeagoodbandname ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 00:36:15 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I had a little fleck on my screen in the exact location to make it look like, 'uno...dos....POOP!" And I thought that was your joke.
Hot-Commodity ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:47:12 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
My Spanish teacher loves this joke. She is the Queen of cheesy jokes.
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:54:44 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I'm offensive and this is Mexican.
meno123 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:59:10 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I purposely use horrible spanish around one of my friends. I'm stealing this joke.
eleanor61 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:33:09 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I ate too much pizza and garlic breadsticks for dinner and my outburst of laughter made my stomach jolt around. Now I feel gurgly and amused..
Beeclef ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:39:17 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
This made me laugh out loud. Also reminds me of one my sister told me: what do Mexicans use to cut their pizza? Leetle ceasars.
zurisadai ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:47:51 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I'm Mexican and when I saw the first line I groaned like "ughhh this is gonna be horrid" but then I got to the end and you had me LOLing. I'm telling this joke to everyone I know
hotdamnster ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:21:21 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
my fav so far!
mryananderson ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:22:13 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Manuel? I want you to put the butter ON THOSE TRAYS.
NO NO NO sir. Is uno, dos, tres.
sophrocynic ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:58:59 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
A boat sank on the French Riviera today. No people were aboard, but there were three kitties on the craft as it went down. The headline the next day was "Un, deux, trois, cats sank."
que_pedo_wey ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 04:18:56 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Uhm... and where to laugh?
BearFeeled ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 04:28:55 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I no shit laughed until tears! That was GREAT!
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 04:37:39 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I don't just like this. I like, like like this.
08mms ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 04:53:44 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
This is a great joke for a groaner, you jus need to build up a lot of backstory about the magician and the magic act before you hit them with that punchline.
IAMA_dragon-AMA ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:06:36 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
A puppy and a kitten were having a boat race. The puppy named his boat the One Two Three, because of how fast he expected to win. The kitten, hearing this, named his boat the Un Deux Trois and claimed the French words made him more refined. The day of the race, they lined up at the start, and both sped off as soon as they heard the signal.
The kitten took an early lead, but ultimately the puppy was the clear victor. The reason why is pretty obvious: Un Deux Trois cat sank.
frostypillow ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:11:59 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
That joke is great, I also like: What do you call a Mexican whose lost his car?
Carlos.
_coyotes_ ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:41:19 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I can't take this thread.
Mimicking-hiccuping ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 06:37:44 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Hear the one about the gay magician? He disappeared with a poof.
Artsygreenfingaz ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 10:01:16 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
A friend of mine just told that to me while we were out at lunch lol.
OhJustShutUpAlready ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 14:58:44 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I told this to my 26 year old girlfriend, and she laughed till she cried.
bladebaka ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:35:26 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
What do you call four Mexicans in quicksand?
Quatro Sink-o
UsuallyCool ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 06:26:04 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
/r/iamverysmart knows this joke. I couldnt understand it at first because of my impeccable understanding of other languages and cultures. Aah the struggles of being a bilingual genius.
Inflatable_king ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 00:48:57 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Did you hear about the gay magician? He disappeared with a poof
perigrinator ยท -2 points ยท Posted at 23:00:31 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
This is ethnically insensitive. Anyone who had a chuckle reading this, please feel ashamed.
MagneZen ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 00:01:35 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
For some reason I read this in a French accent.
bitlorrent ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 00:26:28 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
This is my new favorite joke ever!
Japlow ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 04:47:54 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Similar one: what happened to the French cat who tried to cross a frozen river? Uno dos trois cat sank (quatre cinq)
Dastardlydoom ยท 7008 points ยท Posted at 14:42:28 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
-Is there a hole in your shoe? -no -then how'd you get your foot in it?
dabr66 ยท 5114 points ยท Posted at 16:46:35 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Oooh, stepped right into that one!
AlbertaBoundless ยท 1974 points ยท Posted at 19:56:29 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
And stepped left into it too.
Dood567 ยท 749 points ยท Posted at 22:15:34 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Sneaked that one right in.
gaybodybuilder ยท 748 points ยท Posted at 22:46:31 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
This thread is laced with puns
Shadowmant ยท 532 points ยท Posted at 22:54:33 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
This thread hurts my sole.
TheDerpofYork ยท 61 points ยท Posted at 01:31:22 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Aglet
red3biggs ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 03:38:04 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
A-G-L-E-T
Aglet
Don't forget it
zomjay ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 05:45:14 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Your comment is great, and I'm aglet you finish, but this is the greatest site pun thread of all time.
evictor ยท 50 points ยท Posted at 00:28:31 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
It's a bit tongue in cheek for my taste.
NoiceOne ยท 50 points ยท Posted at 00:47:37 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Not sure what you guys are talking aboot here
AllGloryToSatan ยท 30 points ยท Posted at 01:04:41 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Nothstring.
[deleted] ยท 39 points ยท Posted at 01:09:25 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
[deleted]
[deleted] ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 01:12:58 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Heal yea! This thread is tight.
bowser0000 ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 01:26:07 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
This thread is toe-tally funny.
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:39:19 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
No need to get brogue-adocious about it.
PrivilegeCheckmate ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 02:06:38 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
WOO WOO! All aboard the Sole Train!
KimTongMun ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 02:08:28 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
This thread is a marvelous feet.
thereisonlyoneme ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 02:24:36 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
You guys are a bunch of loafers.
Chainweasel ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:52:48 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Time to give this thread the boot
[deleted] ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 02:56:15 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
shoes
rolledupdollabill ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 04:28:08 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
sandles
PrivilegeCheckmate ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:32:29 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Time to aglet out of here.
tamadekami ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 02:25:47 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I'm not sure how eyelet myself get involved with this...
danyearight ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 02:50:25 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I will just slipper in here.
Dood567 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 04:29:45 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
You guys are knot that good at puns.
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:07:27 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Rectum? Damn near kill'd 'em!
cakeisgreat ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 01:45:24 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Fuck you guys.
446_KTM_250sx ยท 9 points ยท Posted at 01:42:27 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
These puns are knot good.
Beatful_chaos ยท 7 points ยท Posted at 01:40:50 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
You're wearing me out.
El_BlancoRelampago ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 03:32:11 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Shoe
zBLAZE7777 ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 03:58:26 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Shoe
upnflames ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 02:00:29 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Upsoles for all you bastards.
Just2real ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 02:08:34 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Hold your tongue!
Gio29 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:10:08 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I don't speak the native tongue of shoe puns
MrFusionHER ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:26:39 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I've got a wing tip for ya, think of a better pun!
Comrade_McCumfarts ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:36:19 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
These puns are funny, and quality to boot!
Being_Nothingness ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:43:06 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
You guys just can't hold your tongue
Z_Coop ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 06:17:50 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I'm putting my foot down; this stops now.
Fletch_McCoy ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 06:22:54 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
"Quick Fletch think, your good at puns" uhhhmm.... Foot shoes?
sooperseriouspants ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 06:25:58 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
All Day I Dream About Shoes
AdrnP ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 07:23:54 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
watch your tongue
-Kenny-Powers- ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 13:04:35 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Knot funny guys.
Dorgamund ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 13:43:29 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Sounds like you are just straight-laced
screw_all_the_names ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 13:44:59 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I'm just going to hold my tongue.
Gman_Reddit ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 14:10:06 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
This thread is all tongue and cheek
SaneAids ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:41:09 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
You bite your tongue
whitewateractual ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:34:09 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Strange, seemed to heel mine
Centurion87 ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 01:24:37 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I had a good one on the tip of my tongue, but I lost it.
chawmastaflex ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 01:33:37 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
That is knot good my friend. Better get that checked out before you're tied up with something else
Midnight_Musings9 ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 05:09:07 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
That's it, I'm putting my foot down.
DoesThisMatter ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 02:30:53 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
That's a bit far fetched if you ask me.
Used_Condom_eater ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:09:31 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
all these shoe jokes are tripping me out
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:53:28 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
A-g-l-e-t that's Aglet
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:14:23 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I'll pull some strings and get some more in here
starlancer21 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:22:08 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Dont let it tie you down
SpaceFace5000 ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 01:06:18 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Puns are the sole of Reddit
bythetuskofnarwhal ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 04:20:39 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
It's laced with something I'm tripping
ImagineAllTheKarma ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 18:26:31 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Shoes
PeterQuincyTaggart ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 03:22:19 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Sneaked it left in too?
the-tip ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:14:19 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Sneaked it left in too.
RandMcNalley ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 04:16:52 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I noticed he was wearing sneakers...for sneaking.
takeiteasy44 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:52:11 on February 19, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Puntastic
Mushroomlad75 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 08:51:46 on February 19, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Sneaked that one left in too
PacoTaco321 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 00:51:36 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Why'd you put two feet in the same shoe?
dont_wear_a_C ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 01:54:53 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Vikings' fans triggered
chino69 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 23:03:34 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Dad get off Reddit!
TigerBeetle ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 20:02:12 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
And the other one!
FakingFad ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 21:34:15 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Oh we walked right into that one... Smh
[deleted] ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 19:57:51 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
[deleted]
mbleslie ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 20:57:50 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
hissssssssssssssssssssss
FPSXpert ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 21:24:44 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
This is snek
Nahvec ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:15:17 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Got off on the wrong foot!
thebush007 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:42:41 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
go to bed dad
IntrigueDossier ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:20:25 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
You smellin' what I'm steppin' in?
Dastardlydoom ยท -3 points ยท Posted at 16:50:37 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
LOL I love it i am cracking up :)
[deleted] ยท 421 points ยท Posted at 19:04:00 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Spray on shoes.
mikefightmaster ยท 105 points ยท Posted at 00:19:24 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I'm painting my shoes on. Flushed my others down the toilet. Gives me control.
bossman-CT ยท 12 points ยท Posted at 00:27:06 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Fuckin love that episode, cracks me up
Iamnotsmartspender ยท 8 points ยท Posted at 01:13:46 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
"I'm painting a shirt!"
Goldballz ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 01:40:29 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
source?
complimentyrsweater ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 02:25:31 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
(It's Always Sunny, Charlie Work)
AndrewNU4433 ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 01:47:12 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
THAT IS NOT A THING
Kittunheads ยท 25 points ยท Posted at 00:58:13 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
How you gonna get 'em off, nerd?
letswatchstarwars ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 03:44:32 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
You can't run away from your own feet...
Dastardlydoom ยท 12 points ยท Posted at 19:07:19 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
have you tried sprayed on socks?
[deleted] ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 19:34:38 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I haven't. Sorry
Dastardlydoom ยท 7 points ยท Posted at 19:36:19 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Neither have I. :)
samsuh ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 02:17:51 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
you wouldnt download a shoe, would you?
CalvinistBaptist ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 02:18:39 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Bare Jordans
BiigDaddyDellta ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 00:20:45 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I love you!
[deleted] ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 04:25:37 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
HOW YOU GONNA GET EM OFF, NERD!?
wriggles24 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 14:52:35 on February 15, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Can your ideas change the world?
Kandierter_Holzapfel ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:08:30 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
There is still a hole for the leg
Ltdslip ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:46:44 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I'm paintin a shirt!
rob_matt ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 22:26:10 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
How do you take them off?
cumuloedipus_complex ยท 641 points ยท Posted at 19:08:23 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Reminds me of:
Person One: "I'll bet you a dollar I can tell you where you got your shoes."
Person Two: "I'll take that bet."
Person One: "On your feet!"
Wraith_GraveSpell ยท 448 points ยท Posted at 21:50:13 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I actually had a strange encounter with a homeless fellow who told this joke. This was in the midst of trying to take my drunken friend to the hospital after he got into a fight and had his eyebrow split open. My friend locked his keys in the car so we were waiting for AAA. He just hung around saying nothing and all of a sudden comes up to us and says "Hey you know where you got your shoes?....you got them on your feet! a-ha, just trying to bring some humor to the situation." It worked.
SlimyLittlePile ยท 19 points ยท Posted at 01:36:00 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
So the homeless guy didn't use the version where he wins a dollar?
ldnjack ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 11:36:58 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
now you know why the guy is destitute.
KingNosmo ยท 24 points ยท Posted at 01:14:27 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Sounds like your friend needed AA more than he needed AAA.
[deleted] ยท -4 points ยท Posted at 04:22:40 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
[deleted]
ROFLance ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 05:05:40 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
AA = Alcoholics Anonymous. It's a support group for people with alcohol problems, which his friend may need because he split his eyebrow open in a fight whilst drunk. Aaaaand now the joke is ruined.
[deleted] ยท -5 points ยท Posted at 05:21:13 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
poor joke, friendo. funny that the reason I didn't understand it is because I'm drunk.
[deleted] ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 01:16:46 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Sounds like a hell of a night.
[deleted] ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 01:33:34 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Thank you sir. A homeless man bet my pops that he could guess where he got his shoes. I said I'd take the bet, but my dad insisted we walk on. I jus wanted to hear the joke.
wikipedialyte ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 08:22:53 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
He got dem' on his feet.
Der' ya go.
Dat'll be a dallah'
coffeeINJECTION ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 04:09:33 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Did you give the guy a dollar?
Jolivegarden ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 23:26:53 on April 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Did this happen in New Orleans?
Apotheoxix ยท 277 points ยท Posted at 21:33:47 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
New Orleans much?
PJBottoms ยท 12 points ยท Posted at 00:44:20 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
So that's a thing? Few years ago my friend got suckered down by the river with that one.
stuffandmorestuff ยท 8 points ยท Posted at 01:01:10 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Some guy tried it on my dad, who was born and raised in Nola. He tossed him 2 or 3 bucks and played along for a while, until the guy straight up demanded more money(like $10). My dad looked at him and said, "It was clever but I'm not giving you money for some cheap shine on dirty, torn up loafers." The dude went off, "you know who I am? Fuck you! You don't know me, I'll fucking stab you. You better not see me in a dark alley." Just then the street car pulls up, and my dad looks at the guy, "alright, I lived here a long time, and this isn't the first time...we're leaving." And we hop on the car.
Fuck that guy. My brother and I were like 8 and 11.
PJBottoms ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 07:13:32 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)*
Fuck that guy for sure. Obviously your dad did the right thing since he had children with him but I'd love to see someone lean right in on the guy and reply "Yeah, I know exactly who you are but you have no idea who I am. See ya around." And just smile creepily as he hopped on the street car.
storybookheidi ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 02:14:22 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Yep. I've witnessed it many times. Apparently it's still a successful way to make a buck.
mankstar ยท 10 points ยท Posted at 01:32:12 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
God. Every time at the French Quarter. Why is it always the same joke?
MarsHuntress ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 04:20:37 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
It's like a plague.
wikipedialyte ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 08:17:41 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
It's a living.
nixrox ยท 10 points ยท Posted at 00:20:52 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
thats where I heard it...
False_ ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 02:40:04 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
On your feet, on the street
Paultwo ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:20:10 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
same here!
damoran ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 02:44:59 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I fell victim to this.
Ed3times ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 04:23:08 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I heard a variation of this before I visited NO. They'd bet that they could tell you where you got your shoes, and say "On Bourbon Street!" (or on whatever street you're standing).
I went there, and not 10 minutes into walking around, a guy passed me and says "Hey, nice shoes!" about my worn-out Chucks. I give a big smile and say "Thanks, I got them on Bourbon Street!". His mouth opens to continue the line, then just walks away.
[deleted] ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 14:10:05 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I'm just imagining the cab driver from Live and Let Die is the guy who makes all these jokes.
[deleted] ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 04:27:18 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
ATL too. They can even tell you which street - Peachtree.
TheRage469 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 01:43:37 on February 16, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Ugh fuck that guy
FishinMike ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 23:27:09 on February 23, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
This! It happened to me on Bourbon Street. Some street peddler comes up and tries to bet me $50 he knows where I got my shoes.. Nice try street Peddler.
JonnyBraavos ยท -5 points ยท Posted at 22:18:14 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
You gotcha shoes on bourbon street massah!
[deleted] ยท 13 points ยท Posted at 22:33:00 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
That reminds me of 'i bet you a dollar I can move your boobs without touching them' - grabs boobs, hands over dollar
Geoffron ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 01:41:13 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Incorrect. I have them on my feet.
I am fun at parties.
[deleted] ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 01:47:48 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)*
Had a similar joke with my cousins:
"Give me your left shoe and I can tell you the name of your wife."
hands over shoe
"It's gonna be... Mrs. Smith (or whatever the last name is)"
Edit: Clarification
luckierbridgeandrail ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:52:38 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
What does the last have to do with the wife's surname?
Anzai ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 01:48:44 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Which reminds me of Groucho.
Groucho: I bet you a dollar I can kiss your wife without you noticing.
(kisses mans wife passionately)
Groucho: Here's your dollar.
You couldn't really get away with that on a game show these days!
quigs01 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 23:56:07 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Ok homeless spenny
Dominantmuthafudga ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 01:43:45 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I plan on using that this weekend. Thank you in advance for my profit.
ghettomex92 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 02:47:54 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Kenny vs spenny, who can be homeless the longest :)
AlyVox ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 03:34:34 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
That's from pool hall junkies
JLDIII ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 04:18:12 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
A dude in New Orleans tried to scam me out of $20 with that one. It's an alright joke man, I might've paid five just to hear it, but her was acting like he was doing me a favor by only charging me $20 instead of $40.
Dastardlydoom ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 19:09:43 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
LOL I am giggling uncontrollably!
IntrigueDossier ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:34:07 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I request to submit this as evidence that this joke is awesome: http://youtu.be/Oqu6MgfSOXY
Mabans ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 04:10:58 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I add with On what date, time, street and address..
You got them today, @ (current time) on so and so street on your feet..
fernylongstocking ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 04:23:12 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Heard this one in New Orleans
hab1b ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 04:23:29 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
You'd lose that bet though. You have your shoes on your feet.
Did I lose dad status?
nspectre ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 06:11:16 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Ah, yiss, the ol' New Orleans shoe scam. T'aint no joke. o.O
bhcrom831 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:54:18 on March 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Reminds me of a story about my aunt when she was a young child. She put her boots on the wrong feet, and when her mother told her "Beverly, you put your boots on the wrong feet" she replied, "Well, they're the only feet I've got!"
Immortal888 ยท 891 points ยท Posted at 17:43:57 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Congratulations, you are now a dad*
*If you do not have a child, one will be provided for free.
professorsnapeswand ยท 277 points ยท Posted at 20:59:10 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
And if you're not a guy, well throw the surgery in free too.
Siganid ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 02:19:41 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
โขoffer valid only within city limits of San Francisco.
pandapoopsie ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:09:45 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Luckily I can catch!
[deleted] ยท -12 points ยท Posted at 22:44:58 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
[deleted]
Unevenflows ยท 14 points ยท Posted at 23:44:28 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
The circle jerk is way more fun with the right mindset. You're not just going to sit there and let these guys jack you off against your will are you? If they're going to jerk you off, be sure to enjoy it and make things awkward for them instead. That's how you win a circle jerk
KiloPain ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 02:10:49 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Everybody wins in a circle jerk.
tamadekami ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 02:27:04 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Especially the circle.
L_T_Smash487 ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 02:35:28 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
And the jerk.
FakingFad ยท 14 points ยท Posted at 21:34:46 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Unplanned Parenthood
ameristraliacitizen ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 02:58:39 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
FTFY
"If you do not have a child one will be provided for you"
(It's just a more common statement and to me it's better)
[deleted] ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 21:23:39 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
*Footnote on "free child": additional in-life purchases available.
phforNZ ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 22:56:17 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
s/available/required
pacifica333 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:57:31 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I can guarantee you that child will be the most expensive 'free' thing you ever get.
solepsis ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:02:14 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)*
The maintenance fees are where they get you, though
Splinter1010 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 04:44:43 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
When you say free, do you mean you'll just hand him a child, or you'll cover the cost of raising him?
hejado ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:04:16 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Wait... This is how this works? My whole life is a lie!
WeaponsGradeHumanity ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 21:31:23 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Is this offer available to anyone? I, uh.. I have some debts to pay off...
Fragrantbumfluff ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 21:41:02 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Is there a cash alternative?
Katsukie ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 03:41:03 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Yes -288 000. Will that be cash or credit?
Immortal888 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 21:46:12 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Nope.
secretfreeze ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 21:57:32 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
No such thing as a free child
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:02:41 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
They're all free. The contract just comes with additional hidden fees, and you can't unsubscribe.
Whitegook ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 23:47:39 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Haha just like my dad...
Never got a cent in child support :(
Xazrael ยท -1 points ยท Posted at 21:55:58 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I'm stealing this whole thing you said fair and square.
Immortal888 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 21:58:46 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Feel free to ;)
pokemaugn ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 06:16:19 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
XD DAE LE DAD JUUUUKEEE LMAO XD SORANDOMMMEEEOOOHYYAYATA
Dastardlydoom ยท -4 points ยท Posted at 17:52:00 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
LOL funny :)
reincarN8ed ยท 261 points ยท Posted at 20:05:14 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
HOWD YOU GET YOUR FOOT IN COARL?!
rubber_hedgehog ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 00:57:51 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
/r/heycarl
V1russ ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 08:26:41 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I didn't know that this was a thing! It's 2 am... If I spend another 2 hours browsing this then I'll still have time to sleep before work. ..
Dastardlydoom ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 20:14:48 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
One foot in front of the other :)
doubledongbot ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 23:37:43 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
/r/jokeswithnobeginning
Julian1224 ยท -3 points ยท Posted at 23:40:40 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Reference to "Lamas With Hats"
blay12 ยท 19 points ยท Posted at 01:05:44 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
And here it is.
[deleted] ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 04:14:30 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
"I could use a shoe"
Bless you.
blay12 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 04:19:11 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
When I was about 10 years old, I realized that I could never say "a shoe" (or really anything with the word "shoe" in it) around my dad...
manly_lumberjack ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:49:04 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
God I havent seen those stupid videos since I was in high school
[deleted] ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 01:40:59 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
YOU CAN'T JUST WALK AROUND BAREFOOT, QUARLERL!
Geta-Ve ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:58:14 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
WHY IS YOUR FOOT INSIDE OF CCCCCOOOAAARRRLLLLLLLELELELELELLELLEEELLLL LE LEEREDEEEDEELLLAAAAAA
CARL.
dreamofadream ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 06:07:11 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I'm-a upvote you, and remind you to kindly stay in your own damn subreddit.
jrhoffa ยท 74 points ยท Posted at 23:18:58 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Topologically, the place you put your foot is not a hole.
thewitchofagnesi ยท 31 points ยท Posted at 00:25:54 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Yeah OP must be wearing toroids instead of shoes.
sirgog ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 00:36:36 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Literally lolling at that. People on the train are looking at me funny.
jrhoffa ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 00:55:55 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Found the math nerd
JeffMurdock_ ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 01:32:41 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Why do you think people look at him funnily?
jrhoffa ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:54:32 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
He's got math on his face
emdave ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 04:38:48 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
What is it then? How do you define a hole?
__slutty ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:22:19 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Found the math major guys.
jrhoffa ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:53:52 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Guilty
Dastardlydoom ยท -6 points ยท Posted at 23:20:05 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Yes it can be it is a matter of perception :)
jrhoffa ยท 11 points ยท Posted at 23:33:26 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Not topologically.
Dastardlydoom ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 23:46:36 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Thank you๐
deyesed ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 04:44:27 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
To rephrase, you can wrap your foot in a blanket, creating a sort of shoe, without poking a hole in it.
Google "doughnut coffee mug torus" for an example of an object with a hole in it.
Dastardlydoom ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 04:49:18 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
If that makes your day hole. ๐
deyesed ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 04:56:33 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
That attitude and pun certainly make my day a little less shitty. Thanks :)
Dastardlydoom ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:00:57 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
You are welcome happy you enjoyed :)
Im_old_fashioned ยท 8 points ยท Posted at 23:49:56 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Similarly, this one from Demetri Martin:
"Oh, does your dog bite?"
"No, he doesn't!"
"Oh really? Then how does he eat?!"
Dastardlydoom ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 23:51:50 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
๐ lol great one!
๐๏ธ Alkomb ยท 51 points ยท Posted at 14:49:12 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Clever!
Dastardlydoom ยท 17 points ยท Posted at 14:50:09 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Thank you :)
๐๏ธ Alkomb ยท 11 points ยท Posted at 14:55:55 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
No problem, awesome person.
Dastardlydoom ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 14:57:44 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I Like the question trying to think of more, my 12 year old son tells me jokes, riddles and puns everyday.
๐๏ธ Alkomb ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 14:59:12 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Ah, dang, nice! I'm jealous.
Dastardlydoom ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:07:50 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Thanks my So and my son try to out do each other with jokes, riddles , puns, and of course pranks.
๐๏ธ Alkomb ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 15:08:31 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
No problem, & ooh, nice! I'm jealous.:c
Dastardlydoom ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:10:49 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Thank you :)
๐๏ธ Alkomb ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:11:48 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
No problem.
NoOne0507 ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 00:11:28 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
TOPOLOGICALLY IT ISN'T A HOLE THIS JOKE SUCKS
Dastardlydoom ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 00:19:20 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
You can have your opinion .๐
NoOne0507 ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 00:21:51 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Its not an opinion. Its math.
Dastardlydoom ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 00:31:06 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
2 + 2 = 5 ๐ณ
NoOne0507 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:58:52 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
For large values of 2, sure. But that's engineering.
rugmunchkin ยท 9 points ยท Posted at 20:57:25 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Me: โIs there a hole in your shoe?โ
Coworker: โWhat? Where?! Are you fucking kidding me I just bought these! Where the hell is it?!โ
Me: โI- uhhhโฆ nevermindโ :/
Dastardlydoom ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 21:25:22 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Lol my shoes are whole, but some of my socks have a hole :)
thektulu7 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:06:38 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Me, in an active Facebook chat: Is there a hole in your shoe?
Friend: ???
Me, after like 5 minutes: Nevermind.
McIgglyTuffMuffin ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 22:44:24 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I know it as;
Do you have holes in your underwear?
No.
Then how did you put them on?
Dastardlydoom ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 22:46:19 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
LOL :)
Reddumbdancy ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 22:33:15 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Everyone in this sub is now telling their friends that joke
Dastardlydoom ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 22:38:59 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Yes my teens do not find me funny but I showed them!!
foorganders ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 01:05:43 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I mean, technically, topologically speaking there isn't a hole in a shoe, unless you're counting the holes for the shoelaces...
Dastardlydoom ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 01:07:36 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
How do you place your foot in its a hole, but it's all in your perception. ๐
stiff-vag ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 02:21:48 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I got outsmarted just now telling my kid this one.
"Do you have a hole in your shoes?" looks very closely at shoes "There's ten, for the laces. " Fuck.
Dastardlydoom ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:26:35 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Yes I thought I was so clever with the joke told to my kids and hubby they said yes, agh I told them you are suppose to say no so I can say the punchline, then they proceed to do a joke off ahh well it was bonding.
GTFrostbite ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 23:49:39 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Just asked my friend this. He was wearing flip flops. I'm an idiot.
Dastardlydoom ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 23:51:10 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
No you aren't just confused ๐
SurprisedPotato ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 00:26:59 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Spray-on shoes!
Dastardlydoom ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:29:29 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Oh it would be so nice!! ๐
Olivia_Fawn ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 00:49:00 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
My boyfriend got super mad at me for calling him at work to tell him this joke.
Worth it
Dastardlydoom ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:01:15 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
That is the best ! ๐
Neebat ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 01:12:22 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I wear sandals year-round. "Quite a lot of them, yes."
Dastardlydoom ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 01:13:04 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Thank you, you rock ๐
pm_me_craftworlds ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 01:27:20 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Toe-Peak-Ah, my grandmothers explanation on how the native Americans named the town
Dastardlydoom ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:30:35 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
LOL ๐
SmokingPig12 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 01:30:00 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
This joke is ruined if the person is wearing crocs. But then again, we already knew crocs ruin everything.
Dastardlydoom ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:33:21 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Agreed crocs bite my feet. I don't own a pear.๐
SmokingPig12 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 01:34:33 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
What about an apple?
Dastardlydoom ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:35:28 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Apples also bite ๐
burgerman667 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 02:14:47 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Stop
Dastardlydoom ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:18:00 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I can't it is like a bad habit.๐
auritus ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 02:26:11 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I do this with pants/shirts
Dastardlydoom ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 02:27:34 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
That works so does underwear. ๐
thedaz1 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 02:36:44 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Truly bootaful puns. So punny.
Dastardlydoom ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 02:37:41 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Why tank you berry much!! ๐
heyitsmelee ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 03:23:11 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Just tried to tell this joke to my daughter... Now she is meticulously inspecting all of her shoes for holes. 5 year olds really know how to ruin a good joke!
Dastardlydoom ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:25:39 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
They do, when I told it to my hubby then kids they both said yes! I said you are suppose to say no so I can say the punch line. ๐
32BitWhore ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 03:50:09 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Oh man I nailed my girlfriend with this one. Nice.
Dastardlydoom ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 04:05:39 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Great job ๐
HobosHappen ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 03:52:36 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I tried this on my sister, but she was wearing flip flops
Dastardlydoom ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 04:05:06 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Uh oh but you tried. ๐
deyesed ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 04:36:22 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Somewhere in the world, a topologist weeps.
Dastardlydoom ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 04:41:02 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Yes so many tears. ๐
Future-self ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 05:33:44 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Similar, but gets kids more amped:
'I bet you've got holes in your underwear'
'Nuh uh! Gross!'
'Then how'd you get your legs through!?'
Waka waka waka
Dastardlydoom ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 14:30:32 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Hilarious!! Love it! ๐
Dustbin_911 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 06:30:31 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I read this in Rick's *burp* voice.
Dastardlydoom ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 14:32:30 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Funny love it :)
Gusstastic ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 07:08:31 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Is their hole in your sock?
I think it's time you get new socks.
Dastardlydoom ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 14:33:41 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Hilaious love it! ๐
xxgsdxx ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 10:06:37 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
After that you ask is there a hole in your sock? Catching on they say yes. So you say "you better get new socks then!"
Dastardlydoom ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 14:26:28 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I will remeber that . Love it. ๐
Scarletfapper ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 11:36:27 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
If your nose runs and your feet smell, you were born upsidedown.
Dastardlydoom ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 14:25:32 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Funny love it ๐
troglonoid ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 17:48:00 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I tried this one with my kid. He said: "Yeah!". Pointing at the shoelace holes...
Dastardlydoom ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:50:28 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Kids are so smart mine did the same. My son and daughter love puns, riddles, and jokes. They are teens now but they can always get me to laugh.
MadScienceIntern ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:55:28 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
There was one like that in the 6th season of Community
Something like
Dean: I need this like a hole in the head.
Britta: But a hole in the head is a bad thing.
Dean: She said through a giant hole in her head.
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 22:20:03 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
-your question was unclear. since I'm wearing the shoe I had subconsciously assumed that it was already understood by us both that there was a hole by which to place my foot inside of the shoe. your question seemed to imply that there may be another hole in my shoe, for reasons aforementioned. this was why I answered "no".
pukesonyourshoes ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:11:41 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
WD 40,000
Dastardlydoom ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:12:43 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I like your name.
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:48:33 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
[deleted]
Dastardlydoom ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 20:15:59 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
That would be an eggslent idea ;)
OwenTheTyley ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 23:40:42 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Topologically speaking, there ain't no holes in a shoe
Dastardlydoom ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 23:46:11 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Yes there is how do you put your foot in if there is not a hole๐
Sgeo ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 00:44:42 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
It's not a hole. You can stretch out the shoe into a disc with no holes in it.
Dastardlydoom ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:46:15 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
How would you put your foot in it is a holes into the shoe, all about perception. ๐
Sgeo ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 00:54:24 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
In topology (a mathematical thing), an object can be stretched in any way (but not torn) and still be the same object. So if you have a ball (which has no holes) and squish it so there's a little dent you could put a foot into, it's still not considered a hole. A donut, however, has a hole, there's no way to stretch or squish a donut so it doesn't have a hole.
Common language "hole" is different, and so in normal English, yes, your shoe has a hole.
Dastardlydoom ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 00:58:44 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Oh come on its a JOKE ๐
TheDiplo ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:46:16 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Dad pls
Dastardlydoom ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:47:28 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I know but it's Mom plz then you sound just like my kids. ๐
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:47:48 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
[deleted]
Dastardlydoom ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:01:49 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Huh? ๐
ButtMarkets ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 07:36:11 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I must be thinking too hard. :p
Dastardlydoom ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 14:34:06 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Think alittle less, :) ๐
itsableeder ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:03:08 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Shut up, dad.
I say that only because I laughed and then felt bad about laughing.
Dastardlydoom ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:03:57 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Sorry you mean Mom that's what I is ๐ณ
naughtymuffins ยท 1647 points ยท Posted at 16:24:20 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Two termites walk into a bar and ask "Is the bar tender here?"
ich_habe_keine_kase ยท 26 points ยท Posted at 02:15:44 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Baby seal walked into a club.
luckierbridgeandrail ยท 15 points ยท Posted at 04:20:21 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
A baby seal walks into a bar, and asks for a Canadian Club on the rocks.
Because he's suicidal.
So he's drinking himself to death.
calicotrinket ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 05:06:04 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Reminds me of a thread about going clubbing on reddit, and it was full of seal clubbing advices.
FILE_ID_DIZ ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:12:38 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I love this one
roflpwntnoob ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 04:49:11 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Again. And again. And again.
photolouis ยท 20 points ยท Posted at 01:15:53 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
A ghost walks into a restaurant and asks "Do you serve spirits here?"
[deleted] ยท 26 points ยท Posted at 19:12:17 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
My all time favorite!
[deleted] ยท 40 points ยท Posted at 01:16:01 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)*
[deleted]
caryllll ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:21:25 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Explain please?
PM_ME_BAKED_ZITI ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 06:04:04 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Skeletons are skeletons, so his drink would go everywhere and make a mess, so he wants a mop
YoungHeartsAmerica ยท -1 points ยท Posted at 02:11:50 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
You just made this one up. Good job.
IAMA_dragon-AMA ยท 7 points ยท Posted at 04:34:57 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Nah, for one of those:
A soda can walks into a bar and somehow gets absolutely plastered. The bartender asks how he intends to pay such a hefty bill; he responds "oh, just put it on my tab."
[deleted] ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 07:19:36 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I always liked the duck who buys a tube of chapstick. The clerk asks how he intends to pay and the duck says "just put it on my bill."
ckinz16 ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 02:37:33 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
No s/he didn't lol
thwinks ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:12:18 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I first heard this one in college. I graduated college in 2006...
So unless by "just" you mean "about a decade ago"... no...
jennawhoreusrex ยท 13 points ยท Posted at 20:16:33 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I'm not sure I understand
[deleted] ยท 42 points ยท Posted at 20:19:50 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Bar...made of wood...termite...wants the wood to be tender. Is the bar tender here?
jennawhoreusrex ยท 30 points ยท Posted at 21:00:28 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Oh that's funny
tit_wrangler ยท 14 points ยท Posted at 22:06:28 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Yeah, it's funny.
kl0wny ยท 12 points ยท Posted at 22:14:15 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Yeah
cgribble ยท 9 points ยท Posted at 22:21:14 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Totally
screen317 ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 01:05:27 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Righteous
setfire3 ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 04:49:58 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
yup
BrutalWarPig ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:38:39 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Dude!!!
EhhWhatsUpDoc ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 01:28:44 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Yes
yourour joking is most pleasing to myglaknazorkears. Ha. Ha. Ha. I loveLV-426Earth!sqqueen ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 01:51:49 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
It's actually kind of sadistic when you say it out loud. Usually the hearer is waiting for more of a joke, has no idea what you're talking about, and you're cackling, loudly or softly. The other person mulls on it for a long while eventually getting it.
Best if, as you cackle and walk away, you say, "Work on it, you'll get it.
seeking_hope ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 04:55:54 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I had to read this way too many times before I got it. It must be bed time.
kachuck ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 01:02:53 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Yes, thankfully someone posted this. I annoyed my girlfriend with this every chance I got but I had forgotten about it for a few months. I am pretty sure she will hate you for this.
thadtheking ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 01:44:02 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
A horse walks into a bar and the bartender asks, "Why the long face?"
Protahgonist ยท 14 points ยท Posted at 03:25:57 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
The horse replies, "My wife and children have all abandoned me rather than deal with my rampant alcoholism."
RatherBeSkiing ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 03:35:24 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
John Kerry then walks into the bar. Bartender says, "anyone mind if I use the same joke? "
thadtheking ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:29:55 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
A horse then walks into the bar. Bartender says, "anyone mind if I use the same joke? "
TBoarder ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 02:46:05 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
A man walks into a bar... and says ow.
yovman ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:24:42 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Fuck I remember this one. Good stuff
stevejust ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:45:00 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I've always heard it as, "where's the bar tender?"
PC509 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:33:54 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I had a friend tell this to me. I didn't get it for weeks. Even AFTER he explained it. After a while, I suddenly got it and laughed. Too late... :/ I have no idea what I was thinking.... It's a good one!
petridishdish ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:48:02 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
A blowfly walks into a bar. "Is this stool taken?"
deadbeatloon ยท -2 points ยท Posted at 00:58:28 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Tinder, plebeian.
Derf_Jagged ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 01:19:44 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I'm not sure that termites are capable of using a match-making app
deadbeatloon ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 01:39:24 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Why the fuck do you think they have Chroach Mingle?
LickItAndSpreddit ยท 4874 points ยท Posted at 17:03:17 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)*
What is Beethoven's favorite fruit?
BananaNAAA
EDIT: Explanation - I really feel bad that people don't get this. As with most jokes, an explanation takes away from the impact/humor, and I think this is especially a factor with one-liners or jokes like this that are so short. Regardless, I think this joke will still be funny and I hope the people that didn't get it initially still appreciate it. It is just a play on words/sounds and references the opening of Beethoven's iconic(?) 5th Symphony. YouTube.
EDIT: Thank you all for the great responses. I honestly love this joke, and I think it unfortunately comes off as too immature/juvenile to be told in settings where it would probably get some hearty laughs from adults without pity or irony (or groans). Also, I am sorry for those of you that hear it as a Minion joke. I think the Minions are funny, but I think the joke becomes less if regarded that way. I was fortunate enough to hear this joke years before Minions were introduced to the world, so I don't associate it with them.
MysteryHat ยท 303 points ยท Posted at 00:59:38 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
What's Beethoven doing right now?
De-composing.
monster_bunny ยท 18 points ยท Posted at 02:57:49 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
That's dark.
I like it
LordoftheSynth ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 06:18:20 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
There's a Far Side cartoon with a composer slumped over a piano, and his assistant in the doorway, telling a visitor "Shhhh! The Maestro is decomposing!"
Terminthem ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 09:23:37 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
They're decomposing composers, There's nothing much anyone can do, You can still hear Beethoven, But Beethoven cannot hear you.
robert0543210 ยท 9 points ยท Posted at 04:02:53 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
It's been like 20 years I'm sure he's decomposed by now
jm_beauty ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:49:05 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
)':
[deleted] ยท 138 points ยท Posted at 01:12:04 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I misread this as "Batman's favorite fruit" and I thought the answer was "Bananananananana"
animal531 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 09:33:26 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
That would be a batnananana.
mastapetz ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 10:49:42 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
So they are singing about Batmans nana ?
princekamoro ยท 29 points ยท Posted at 02:05:36 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Why did Beethoven kill his chicken?
It kept saying, "Bach, bach, bach..."
sheeeeeez ยท 44 points ยท Posted at 01:18:15 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
What did the pink panther say when he stepped on an ant?
DEAD ANT, DEAD ANT, DEAD ANT, DEAD ANT, DEAD ANT, DEAD ANT, DEAD ANTTTTTT
RidersGuide ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:31:35 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Booom
Thighpaulsandra ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:52:02 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Where does the Lone Ranger take his trash?
To the dump To the dump To the dump dump dump
To the dump To the dump To the dump dump dump
ojajaja ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 03:28:31 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
What did the pink panther say when he saw a living ant?
He stepped on it and said DEAD ANT, DEAD ANT, DEAD ANT, DEAD ANT, DEAD ANT, DEAD ANT, DEAD ANTTTTTT
[deleted] ยท 751 points ยท Posted at 20:06:52 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
This one got me. I made it ALL THE WAY down to here without laughing and then I lost my shit. Good job.
Jelway723 ยท 22 points ยท Posted at 01:41:19 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I don't get it :(
asundar12 ยท 35 points ยท Posted at 01:53:40 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Dun-dun-dun-DUNNNN
Jelway723 ยท 42 points ยท Posted at 02:11:01 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
?
EDIT: OHHHHHHHHHHHH :D
adnaanbheda ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 06:24:10 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I'm still at '?'
troutb ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 06:51:22 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7G6Xpqbc8Rk
It's the theme to Beethoven's Fifth Symphony
hezwat ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 13:20:45 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
yes but with an extra "na" that makes it completely nonsensical - and hilairuos
onedoor ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 14:21:00 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
It really needs an extra "na" to match. I think that's why people are missing it.
BanananaNNAAAAA
Unless the "Ba" is a stand-in for the extra na, in which case I'm wrong.
luckytoothpick ยท 43 points ยท Posted at 21:54:14 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
my son tried to tell me this one a couple of days ago, but could not remember if it was Beethoven or Mozart, which made it pretty funny.
[deleted] ยท 59 points ยท Posted at 23:27:52 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)*
[deleted]
TheBlackLuffy ยท 7 points ยท Posted at 03:15:41 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Nana..Nananananana..Nananananana...
[deleted] ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 23:52:59 on February 14, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
What is that piece called? I know the tune, but I can't sing it into Google :( (not yet, anyway--get on that, Google!)
suto ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 01:07:09 on February 15, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Eine Kleine Nachtmusik.
[deleted] ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 01:16:09 on February 15, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Thanks!
emmanuelsayshai ยท 10 points ยท Posted at 01:19:33 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Well, I hope you find your shit.
[deleted] ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 02:30:58 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)*
[deleted]
gnorty ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 02:41:57 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I love how this reference is coming up so often, in this of all threads.
emmanuelsayshai ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 02:58:11 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Son? Is that you?
[deleted] ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 02:00:54 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I don't even know why I'm laughing so hard right now god dammit
Awwsome_Possum ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 05:21:34 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Then perhaps you may enjoy the following:
What kind of pants does Mario wear? Denim denim denim.....
What does the Pink Panther say when he's walking on ants? Dead ants... Dead ants.... Dead ants dead ants dead ants dead ants dead ants........
Sub116610 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:05:44 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Is that you, Laron?
bbmgnt77 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:42:46 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Once I pronounced it out loud I was done!
F0MA ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 04:04:01 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Same here. I choked on my own spit laughing so hard. My husband deadpan just staring at me made it even funnier for me.
ajani57 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:48:04 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I didn't get it :(
racc8290 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:16:14 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
What's Batman's favorite fruif?
Bananananananananananananananana!
MissAnneThropist ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 03:20:38 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Not entirely g rated but kinda.
Whats brown and sticky and sits on a piao bench?
Beethovens last movement.
gnorty ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:42:49 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
How does Batman's mom call him in for his dinner?
Dinner Dinner Dinner Dinner, Dinner Dinner Dinner Dinner, Dinner Dinner Dinner Dinner, Dinner Dinner Dinner Dinner
Dinner Dinner Dinner Dinner, Dinner Dinner Dinner Dinner, Dinner Dinner Dinner Din
BATMAN!!!
unassuming_squirrel ยท 11 points ยท Posted at 02:49:04 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
She didn't because she's dead
you_got_fragged ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 04:31:14 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
What is bat mans favorite fruit?
BANANANANANANANA BANANANANANANANA grapefruit
bridgerdabridge1 ยท 37 points ยท Posted at 23:14:19 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
ELI5?
[deleted] ยท 88 points ยท Posted at 23:26:56 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
[deleted]
zcbtjwj ยท 64 points ยท Posted at 00:57:23 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
which for those that don't know, is the one that goes "ba ba ba baaaaaa"
fun fact: ..._ is morse code for V, the roman numeral for 5.
Poromenos ยท 19 points ยท Posted at 01:34:34 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
It actually goes "ba na na naaaaaaaaa".
trawlinimnottrawlin ยท 14 points ยท Posted at 01:48:06 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
It actually goes " ba na na naaaaa". Where my musicians at.
iella_w ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 02:03:48 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Subtle... I like it.
raging_homosapien ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 03:16:15 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
It actually goes Sa-na-ta-ah-naaaaaa...
Sweetune ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:04:09 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
really tho it goes more like de de de duuuuunnnn
Gamerhead ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:48:35 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Huh. That's a neat fact
S77S77 ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 01:59:28 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Especially if you consider that Morse code was invented several decades after the 5th symphony.
Ackerack ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:08:08 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Surprisingly, that description helped me hear it when nothing else could. For that, I thank you.
Idkisonthird ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:29:13 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
TIL
abc123shutthefuckup ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:11:34 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
The accent/emphasis is kinda fucked, but it's still funy
acwilan ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:06:42 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Thanks, I read that in a minion's voice
BarryHollyfood ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 02:30:03 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
BananaNAAA!
h/t punfree
BetterThanOP ยท 13 points ยท Posted at 01:31:44 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
ugh this is so bad I can only picture this being captioned on a Minion meme
don't get me wrong, it made me laugh, but also go uuggghh
happybex ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 22:02:13 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
My favorite types of corny jokes are the kind where you have to sing the answer! I love this one!
dislikes_grackles ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 00:57:18 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I don't get it...
eternally-curious ยท 7 points ยท Posted at 01:46:51 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Google Beethoven's fifth.
Markual ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 00:59:25 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I CANT FUCKING BREATHE. OH MY GOD.
BretticusWins ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 04:51:54 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Yes you can. This isn't Tumblr.
Markual ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:19:53 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Hey. Shut up.
BretticusWins ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:23:07 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Sshh bby
seattleque ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 23:32:52 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Sadly, now I only hear that in a Minion voice.
OPs_Mom_and_Dad ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:29:02 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Well done.
Iamnotsmartspender ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:16:20 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Fuck this, I'm done
sooprvylyn ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:33:56 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I read this in Kevin the minions voice
Inqubate ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:38:53 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
This made me laugh and my wife sigh loudly, very good.
J0eCool ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:09:54 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
What're Mario's overalls made out of?
Denim denim denim.
jmd2303 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:30:33 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I read this joke at the exact same time that Intel commercial featuring Beethoven's 5th came on...
beccaface ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:34:58 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
What kind of overalls does Mario wear?
DenimDenimDenim
Khajiit-ify ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:35:42 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
My God. This is the best one here. And it's a joke I somehow haven't heard before. But now it may be my new favorite joke ever.
LickItAndSpreddit ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:41:47 on February 14, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I'm glad you like it, and I hope you share it with as many people as possible!
AsAGayGuy ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:43:38 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
This one. This one can make to most cynical person laugh. Well done.
TheBabyBird ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:47:57 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
For some reason my brain read Beethoven as Batman and I sat here for a full minute trying to make the "nananas" come to sound like the Batman theme song before realizing my mistake.
rosegold- ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:49:06 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I don't get this one.
BlackenBlueShit ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:50:23 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
You fuck, my professor called me out (jokingly, art class) because I was laughing so hard silently in my seat. Thanks for the good laugh
ceeceea ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:51:10 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I'm going to take this opportunity to link one of my all time completely G-rated humor songs: P.D.Q. Bach (Peter Schickele) - New Horizons in Music Appreciation
Ozymandias77 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:52:05 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I hate to be that guy, but I honestly don't get it.. Could someone please explain. Thanx
EpilepticMongoose ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:08:20 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I don't get it :(
JetBlue7337 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:16:40 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
What's brown and sits on a piano bench?
Beethoven's last movement.
writesinlowercase ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:17:19 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
someone literally just told that to me yesterday.
scribbling_des ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:37:42 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
This is my favorite joke of all time!
newmellofox ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:40:21 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
woooooooooooowwww
tragedyDota2 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:43:54 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
That means it's not his favorite fruit because he says "Na" after banana so Beethoven actually doesn't like them.
sophrocynic ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 04:00:50 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Bana nananana na na na na
Katamari Damashii
BlackholeZ32 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 04:16:47 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Lol, can only hear that in minion voice
goshin2568 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 04:35:59 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Wait that's beethoven? I just associate that with scary movies I didn't know it was beethoven
elplumarojo ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 04:43:15 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
What did the pink panther say when he stepped on an ant?
Dead-ant. Dead-ant. Dead-ant, dead-ant, dead-ant...
johnzaku ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 04:46:37 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
What's Mozart's favorite fruit?
Grapes
sabrefudge ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:10:14 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
DREAMWORKS'ยฎ "MINIONS"โข
In Theaters July 10th!
whimsicalsteve ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:25:56 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
What's brown a sits on a piano bench.
Beethoven's last movement.
jlisle ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:40:03 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
This is my favourite joke of all time. I once texted it to a friend, but she never replied. Its been months. I keep hoping I'll get to drop the punchline someday, but I think that dream is probably dead.
winstonargyle11 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 06:22:52 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
What's Whitney houston's favorite kind of coordination?
Haaand eyyyyyyyeeeeyyeeeeee
knoekie ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 08:13:31 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
It's yellow and makes fun of you: Bananananana
Scarletfapper ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 11:48:28 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Have you seen the surprise joke alien?
That was the first time I read this joke.
Only an alien said it.
susanna514 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 13:00:47 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I don't get it.
cbartholomew ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:20:30 on February 14, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Dude, I've used this like 10 times today. Im 30; I fucking love this joke so much - it's the best thing ever.
aktan85 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 08:24:02 on February 19, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I've got a similar one:
What is Bruce Lee's favorite drink?
Whaaaaaa Taaaaaaa!
secondphase ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 00:50:22 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I said it out loud. You did too, admit it.
jason_stanfield ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 01:31:12 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Music nerd joke.
Well done.
Misfitg ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 01:32:26 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I sang this... Out loud... In a restaurant
SgtKashim ยท -22 points ยท Posted at 21:28:28 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
https://media.giphy.com/media/Ly6FB6xRSJlW8/giphy.gif
https://media.giphy.com/media/Bcw9rjoIb3wVq/giphy.gif
glitterlok ยท -1 points ยท Posted at 01:23:15 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Aaaaaand I laughed. With a mouth full of pho. Thanks!
qwerhm ยท 678 points ยท Posted at 17:17:25 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
What did the buffalo say to his kid when he left for school? Bison. edit: a word
qwerhm ยท 69 points ยท Posted at 17:33:30 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I just invented a new word: plagiarism.
aezart ยท 10 points ยท Posted at 21:24:57 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
It took me a moment, but I am now in hysterics over this one.
you_got_fragged ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 04:39:52 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Guys I just thought of a new word called plagiarism?? Get it?? I just made this joke up!
thegreatestajax ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 04:20:35 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
In case you missed it pre-edit:
elevatorbeat ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 06:00:40 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Why did you have to declare the edit? Is that a piece of the joke?
Melodramababs ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 06:23:49 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
! I am seriously laughing and in tears at this one. My husband is not amused that I've read most of these to him.
mattlag ยท 1020 points ยท Posted at 17:29:44 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Guess what I saw?
What?
Wood!
mattlag ยท 735 points ยท Posted at 17:49:02 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Guess what I heard?
What?
Goats!
[deleted] ยท 475 points ยท Posted at 21:48:33 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)*
[deleted]
noteverrelevant ยท 50 points ยท Posted at 22:02:35 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Elaborate?
MMdomain ยท 147 points ยท Posted at 22:35:52 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)*
He saws wood and heards goats.
*Edit: Heards = herds
noteverrelevant ยท 151 points ยท Posted at 22:38:59 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Jesus. I'm a moron.
Polite_Insults ยท 41 points ยท Posted at 00:51:06 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Right there with ya
imayposteventually ยท 27 points ยท Posted at 01:01:17 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Is this the moron line?
FILE_ID_DIZ ยท 22 points ยท Posted at 03:29:57 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
NO, THIS IS PATRICK!
[deleted] ยท 11 points ยท Posted at 04:37:50 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Moron line confirmed
DSdavidDS ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 05:05:39 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
joins the line
Deadpoolisms ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 06:21:16 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Reporting for duty, sir.
you_got_fragged ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 04:45:31 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Is this the moron line?
FILE_ID_DIZ ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 14:51:24 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
NO, THIS IS PATRICK!
setfire3 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:00:11 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
It still took me a good few seconds even after reading the explanation.
zcbtjwj ยท 7 points ยท Posted at 01:04:22 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
you're not alone
qhea__ ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 04:46:21 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Okay I read that as "Jesus. I'm a mormon." and was thoroughly confused
noteverrelevant ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 04:48:20 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I am $100% not a Mormon.
humma__kavula ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 07:53:46 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Jesus,
I'm a moron.
Amen.
GokuMoto ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 00:36:27 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
isn't it herds?
22mario ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 00:47:42 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Wouldnt sheep be better? You dont really heard goats, they kinda do their own thing
rabidsi ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 04:20:55 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
You should probably tell all the goatherds that do or have existed.
[deleted] ยท 42 points ยท Posted at 22:06:40 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
[deleted]
Gutsyisland ยท 16 points ยท Posted at 22:28:51 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
10/10
robopilgrim ยท 8 points ยท Posted at 00:14:12 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
This is actually the funniest comment I've seen here.
evictor ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 00:41:27 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
ayy
nakedpillowlover ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 04:29:55 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Lmao
Derf_Jagged ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:40:43 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
You just blew my mind. Elaborate is both a verb and an adjective, pronounced differently...
Starchman ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:44:07 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
mind..............BOOM
SamSARS10 ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 01:39:20 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Please. Help me.
hr_shovenstuff ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 01:46:27 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Had no idea what was going on until I read your comment then changed my perspective.
embee_1 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 02:09:20 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I'm still lost
xxsilence ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 02:45:50 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Saw as in cut wood, herd as in round up animals.
embee_1 ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 03:08:59 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Thank you! I hang my head in shame D:
GroceriesCheckOut ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:38:53 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
... I'm sorry I gotta ask
kalsyrinth ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:59:35 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Please explain
ChelseaOfEarth ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 07:52:15 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Explain it please
DarkNeutron ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 10:05:08 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
The very best type of pun is one that hits you the next day. :)
ducong ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 10:54:13 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I don't think I understand
eviscos ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:43:38 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Still don't get it here
iOgef ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:57:52 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
What am I missing
Delvez ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:50:49 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Explain?
MrMonsterDubEdition ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:58:48 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I don't understand.
mysixthredditaccount ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 06:01:52 on February 14, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Can you explain? I don't get it (unless it's an anti-joke).
[deleted] ยท 9 points ยท Posted at 02:45:21 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)*
[deleted]
props_to_yo_pops ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 09:29:53 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I prefer hats or pen tips.
2056163 ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 01:20:32 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I'm embarrassed it took me that long to get them.
jmwbb ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 05:47:22 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
OHH
tinkerer13 ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 02:58:35 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Guess what I smelt?
What?
Pig Iron!
ktisis ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:00:26 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Oh man, these are so good!
anonymoushenry ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:57:07 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
What's a metaphor?
Sheep!
cbop ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 05:22:50 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Guess what I felt?
What?
Pool tables!
...eh
CapOnFoam ยท 15 points ยท Posted at 03:06:39 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Reminds me of a saying my dad used to say:
"I see!" said the blind man, as he picked up his hammer and saw.
Thighpaulsandra ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:55:47 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Say what you want about the deaf...
Papajon87 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 01:59:52 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
My Papa will love this
Valeday ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 07:25:19 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I still don't get it :(
mattlag ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 17:04:20 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Saw is the past tense for 'to see' but also the present tense for 'to saw' (as in using the tool called a saw to cut something)
It's funny because you were expecting to hear about something I was looking at in the past, but actually I'm cutting wood with a wood cutting tool right now.
Hilarious!
coreyshep ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 03:08:23 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I seent it!
darps ยท -4 points ยท Posted at 05:56:54 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
... in the butt?
DayoftheDead ยท 2690 points ยท Posted at 14:59:50 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)*
So, a guy walks into a mexican restaurant and takes a seat. Before he gets to order a his food, the bowl of tortilla chips in front of him says "Hey, you're a handsome fellow."
The man tries to ignore the chips and orders a soda. The chips says "Ooooh that drink is delicious. Great choice. You're a very smart man."
Starting to freak out, the guy says to the waiter "Hey what the heck, this bowl of chips keeps saying nice things to me!" Waiter says "Don't worry about it, the tortilla chips are complimentary."
DrBoon_forgot_his_pw ยท 866 points ยท Posted at 23:41:31 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
The drink machine is supposed to start insulting the guy, yelling violent things at him. The waiter says "the chips are complimentary, but the drinks machine is out of order"
hpfan2342 ยท 20 points ยท Posted at 01:34:24 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I giggled.
fazelanvari ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 05:46:20 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
"So kiss my ass and leave a quarter?"
Zakrah ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 06:22:59 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
My father told me this joke, but he delivered as if it actually happened so at the punchline I was like ?... -_-u
Heh. Got me good. It's the most fatherly thing he ever did for me.
Brohanwashere ยท 27 points ยท Posted at 00:11:43 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Why did the waiter become a bartender in the punchline?
[deleted] ยท 32 points ยท Posted at 01:14:46 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)*
[deleted]
JamieBevvers ยท 20 points ยท Posted at 03:41:31 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Bartender: [from across the room] the chips are complimentary! hahahahaha
Guy: what
J96x_Rob_LFC ยท 7 points ยท Posted at 01:17:13 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Because he's a dick and never lets Rico answer for himself
actual_factual_bear ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 03:21:03 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
ok so i'm reading all the jokes and not even cracking a smile, but this one got me laughing out loud!
PrivilegeCheckmate ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:19:25 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Waiter doesn't speak English.
Sub116610 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 02:11:01 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I heard that one but with peanuts talking at a bar. Is that one not G rated?
HopelessSemantic ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:02:42 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
That's how I've always heard it. I'd say it's still G-rated, it's just another version of the joke.
PiManASM ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:54:38 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Oh! Very nice teeth you ha...
you_got_fragged ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 04:36:24 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I heard this before but with pretzels
Ferfrendongles ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:12:01 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Complimentative
ComradeRK ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 00:34:57 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Semi-relevant username?
I_double_doge_dare_u ยท 3814 points ยท Posted at 14:59:33 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
What is the difference between a cat and a comma?
Cats have claws at the end of their paws, and a comma is a pause at the end of a clause.
[deleted] ยท 1163 points ยท Posted at 20:00:16 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)*
[deleted]
[deleted] ยท 891 points ยท Posted at 23:02:40 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Q: What's the difference between a hippo and a Zippo?
A: One is very heavy, and the other is a little lighter.
BillyQuan ยท 48 points ยท Posted at 04:41:06 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
What is the difference between a pun and a fart?
One is a clever shift of wit.
Badvertisement ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 05:52:02 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Damn this is good
Pointyspoon ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 07:18:51 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
??
servandapants ยท 8 points ยท Posted at 08:19:24 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
A whiff of shit/a shift of wit
boLthofthem ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 17:52:25 on February 23, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Thanks
findsthingsfunny ยท 20 points ยท Posted at 03:46:54 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
whats the difference between a circus and a bordello? a circus is a cunning array of stunts, the other is a stunning array of...
MrEmouse ยท 10 points ยท Posted at 04:07:25 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
not G rated... but the best version of this joke structure I've seen.
IAMA_dragon-AMA ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 04:31:22 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
What's the difference between a good joke and Susie from English? The first is an example of a shining wit, and the second is an example of a brat.
CowboyBigsby ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 03:10:26 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
My girlfriend told me this one last night. I couldn't believe it cracked me up.
poindexter5221 ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 05:27:44 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Q: Why don't you see hippos hiding in trees?
A: Because they're so good at it!
sydthesquid95 ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 14:27:40 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
What's the difference between a dirty bus stop and a lobster with breast implants?
One's a crusty bus station and the others a busty crustacean.
EStew42 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:44:45 on February 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
What's the difference between a sexy female lobster and an old bus stop?
Ones a busty crustacean and the other is a rusty bus station.
forgotmyothertemp ยท 409 points ยท Posted at 21:45:02 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
IIRC the answer that Carroll gave was "Poe wrote on both." Nice answer though.
drcolossal ยท 153 points ยท Posted at 22:04:01 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Although Carroll was asking how they were the same
Baron_Von_Sexingpun ยท 15 points ยท Posted at 23:19:02 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Dey both got legs
NiobiumGoat ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 23:51:04 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
CAUSE THEY BOTH SOUND LIKE THEY START WITH THE LETTER R!!
AllGloryToSatan ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 01:10:17 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
righting desk
probablynotacreep ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 03:23:36 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Inky quills
Codoro ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 06:04:34 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
They both have inky quills
objober ยท 320 points ยท Posted at 23:24:50 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Not quite. The Hatter originally asks, "Why is a raven like a writing desk?" where /u/DinoLasers's pun asks the difference.
Also, the answer to the riddle, according to Lewis Carroll is "because it can produce a few notes, though they are very flat; and it is nevar put with the wrong end in front!"
A gentleman by the name of Samuel Loyd suggested "Poe wrote on both".
ComradeRK ยท 62 points ยท Posted at 00:33:12 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I like Jasper Fforde's contribution.
Why is a raven like a writing desk?
Because there's a b in both.
BrotherChe ยท 10 points ยท Posted at 01:58:14 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I'd always heard that Carroll had said he originally had no answer, it was meant to be simply a nonsensical riddle with no discernible solution.
objober ยท 9 points ยท Posted at 02:01:39 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Correct, but Carroll got so many enquiries about the riddle, he had to make something up. As he put it:
"Enquiries have been so often addressed to me, as to whether any answer to the Hatter's riddle can be imagined, that I may as well put on record here what seems to me to be a fairly appropriate answer, "because it can produce a few notes, though they are very flat; and it is nevar put with the wrong end in front!" This, however, is merely an afterthought; the riddle as originally invented had no answer at all."
BassoonHero ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 00:11:52 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Also, they both have inky quills.
twitchedawake ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 02:57:10 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I couldve sworn the riddle originally had no answer
[deleted] ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 05:02:58 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Yea, I remember seeing something that Carroll had to make up a solution since people were going crazy asking him about it. Not sure about how legit it is tho. Who knows.
twitchedawake ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 05:13:37 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I've pretty sure that was it, and the answer he came up with was something other than "Poe wrote on both", it was like, Nevar or something? I don't remember.
[deleted] ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 05:16:27 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
yea the answer he gave was what the guy you responded, /u/objober wrote.
"because it can produce a few notes, though they are very flat; and it is nevar put with the wrong end in front!"
twitchedawake ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:29:03 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Yep.
centerflag982 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:42:09 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
What does this even mean?
sheepfetus ยท 8 points ยท Posted at 02:53:36 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
"Nevar" is "raven" spelled backwards, so a raven is nevar put with the wrong end in front. Regarding the desk, just read it as "never."
centerflag982 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 04:55:12 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Ohhh okay! I just thought it was some sort of weird dialectal spelling of never, heh
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:28:55 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I heard Carroll said that it was because "Raven is nevar spelled backwards." That isn't a typo, that's what Carroll wrote. Though, over time, someone made it never and ruined the joke.
NematodeArthritis ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:58:12 on February 23, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Carroll's answer is so shitty
halfdeadmoon ยท 38 points ยท Posted at 22:30:28 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I like "they both have inky quills"
SymphonicStorm ยท 7 points ยท Posted at 23:07:40 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Carroll never meant for it to have an answer, he only wrote that after people kept pestering him.
drnoisy ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 22:27:10 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Also, they both produce notes...
LostMyMarblesAgain ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 23:19:07 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I thought it was "neither are made of cheese"
Acetius ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:57:24 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I can't remember where it came from, but I've heard "they both tilt with a flap" given as an answer
You_Better_Smile ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 23:04:11 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Nope. There was never an answer.
trentshipp ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 23:31:44 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
They're both "nevar" backwards.
sharknado-enoughsaid ยท 13 points ยท Posted at 21:36:54 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
What's the difference between an old busstop and a large breasted lobster. One's a rusty busstation and the other a busty crustacean.stolenfromfuturama
BrowsingFromPhone ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 22:37:06 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)*
Corn farmer with epilepsy and a whore with diarrhea?
One shucks between fits
Edit: typo
DanTheManVan ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 01:36:01 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
It's supposed to be "one shucks between fits"
31773 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:16:16 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
And the other fucks between shits! Thanks haha
Teledildonic ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 02:22:43 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
What's the difference between an constipated owl and a bad marksman?
One shoots and can't hit.
Lamarwpg ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 23:31:23 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
What the difference between a smart midget and a yeast infection?
Well one of them is a cunning runt....
Wyzegy ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 23:21:07 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Because there's a "b" in both and an "n" in neither.
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 21:44:30 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
เฒ _เฒ
Jota769 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 23:37:55 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Could've sworn this one was 'the higher the fewer, of course'
LulzMacky ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:18:42 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Thank you for posting this, the only time I've heard this joke is on the simpsons when Krusty the Clown attempts Ventriloquism and the dummies mouth falls off half way through the joke so until now I've never knew the punchline
Dontwannaendit ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:22:28 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Spoonerisms. Love it
CourierOfTheWastes ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:34:32 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
"Bon have inky quills"
shaggyzon4 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:36:25 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Also, a raven has feathers.
In fact, now that I consider the question more carefully, I can think of all kinds of differences between a raven and a writing desk.
jhutchi2 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:30:13 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
What's the difference between a raven and a writing desk?
One is a bird and one is furniture you moron.
AbnormalDreams ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:57:33 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Isnt that an alice in wonderland reference?
Rjaultman ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 04:02:27 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
What the difference between and an owl and a bungee cord?
3will ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:12:45 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
(Dial the clock back for this one)
What's the difference between Bill Clinton and a screwdriver?
One turns in screws, one screws interns.
TOASTEngineer ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:15:56 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Poe wrote on both.
Lleland ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 07:00:29 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I had always heard "there's a b in both and an n in neither."
Wait that's for how they're alike.
Robobvious ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 07:37:12 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I always said that Poe wrote on both.
Carnivorous_Jesus ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 09:00:14 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Wait but how is a raven LIKE a writing desk?? Or did the mad hatter fuck it up?
lithpth_are_thexthy ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 12:29:25 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Holy fuck someone knows the answer to this.
LogMeInCoach ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 12:55:47 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Holy shit! Is this the answer to the mad hatter's riddle?
AnarchoPanda ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:17:04 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
OOOOORRRRRRR
They notes that they are noted for are not noted as being musical notes.
superawesomepandacat ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:33:31 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Poe wrote on both.
emmyset23 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 11:32:21 on February 14, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
THAT MAD FUCKING HATTER BETTER BE HAPPY
KJ6BWB ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:17:26 on February 15, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Neither one is the same as the other. ;)
SadGhoster87 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 23:26:08 on June 22, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Poe wrote on both of them.
g000dn ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 21:43:52 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
That joke always cracks you up? k
smelissy ยท 63 points ยท Posted at 16:14:53 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
My brain hurts
F0RGERY ยท 64 points ยท Posted at 18:07:41 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Try listening to dubstep for a few hours. That's the reason my brain hertz.
g000dn ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 21:43:30 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
stop
eXtreme98 ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 22:14:44 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Hammertime
rocknerd ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 22:11:12 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
You better stop before you get megahertz.
gn0xious ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:34:26 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
We get it, you're into dub step. Just DROP IT!
BRRMMMMMOOOOOMMMMMMBABABBABBAPPPAAAAAABBBBAAAAAAAABBBBBMMM
MyWerkinAccount ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 03:05:04 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
/r/WordAvalanches
Atario ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:45:15 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
SHUT UP MISTER GUMBYYYY
SteakSauceAltoSax ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 22:55:53 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
What's the difference between an old bus stop and a lobster with breast implants? One's a crusty bus station and the other is a busty crustacean
cranktheguy ยท 10 points ยท Posted at 01:29:51 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
What's the difference between a lady in church and a lady in a bath?
One has hope in her soul.
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 07:20:16 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
The other has sope in her houl?
Evning ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:34:59 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Yes.
Learning_Curves ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 21:37:23 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
This one is elegant.
sillybammy ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 22:49:32 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
๐ฅ๐ฅ๐ฅ๐ฅ๐ฅ
Xvexe ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 02:25:56 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
What's the difference between a marine biologist and a dog?
One tags whales and the other wags tails.
Dredly ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:01:54 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
paws?
blue__pencil ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:06:06 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Wow. My Precalc teacher always gives us a joke/pun each day, and I didn't hear the answer today. Thanks for catching me up!
solarlux ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:28:53 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Three pause?
BassaForte ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:37:26 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Just sayin', these are called spoonerisms.
Papajon87 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:38:14 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Yeah I won't be able to tell this one. I can barely read it out loud.
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:11:23 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)*
Holy shit, down to the spelling
EDIT: What do you call a Canadian politician being pulled by a boat while holding a parachute?
Sarah Palin parasailin'
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:34:58 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Grammar humor
BigMike8 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:45:51 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Yup, I read that as "coma"
Much funnier on the second pass.
pixleight ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:49:07 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
You misspelled pause.
stratdog25 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:14:29 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Yes!!!!! I remember seeing this one in Highlights at my dentist circa '86!!!!
beansandgreens ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:38:38 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
My favorite joke ever!
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:43:17 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I can see this on a poster on the wall of a 2nd grade english classroom
renegade_duck ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 04:00:00 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Blaine is pain, and that is the truth.
scotems ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 04:29:12 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Ya know, I like the joke, but I always get a bit annoyed at the "What's the difference between..." jokes. I mean, there are millions of things that are different between cats and commas. Basically, every conceivable thing other than the beginning letter 'c' is different. So what's the difference? EVERYTHING! What's one difference that sounds funny? The punch line.
vkrish1 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:05:58 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I want to claw your face ...but it's quite good....
Arrogant_Texan ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:42:48 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
What's the difference between a dirty bus stop and a lobster with breast implants?
One's a crusty bus station and the other's a busty crustacean!
MuffinPuff ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 06:37:42 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
That's cute, they should totally use that in grade schools.
Le_dipstick ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 08:04:48 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Eggselent, probably the best of the thread.
NortonPike ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 09:47:47 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
What's the difference between a pickpocket and a Peeping Tom?
A pickpocket snatches watches...
_almost_ ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 20:05:38 on February 19, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
That'ssome Dr. Seuss shit right there
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:00:05 on February 24, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Blaine is a pain.
And that is the truth.
What has four wheels and flies?
A garbage truck.
And that is the truth. Choo-choo
kotkaiser ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 04:46:48 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Is that reallly a joke? It's more just like a play with words. Not avery funny joke.
moonflower89 ยท 569 points ยท Posted at 14:39:07 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)*
How many tickles does it take to tickle an octopus?
Ten-tickles
Edit: tickle, not kick
Unit88 ยท 163 points ยท Posted at 17:10:45 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Why would you kick it? Poor octopus. I like the friendlier version more.
"How do you make an octupus giggle ten giggles?"
"You give him ten-tickles"
The_Doctalex ยท 14 points ยท Posted at 00:40:15 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
But first I like to give him a few test-tickles.
Unit88 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 12:19:49 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I hope at least you give him your own :D
moonflower89 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 17:47:07 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Fuck. It was supposed be tickle, not kick
Unit88 ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 17:56:21 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Now it makes more sense :D Although I still like mine a bit more because it's not "tickle-tickle-tickle" :D
natergonnanate ยท 10 points ยท Posted at 00:50:21 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
And not I'm imagining someone kicking an octopus screaming "WHY AREN'T YOU LAUGHING!?!"
Singel48 ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 02:24:55 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I've always said "How many tickles does it take to make a squid laugh?"
Less repetitive
SvenHudson ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 06:18:27 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
It's also an improvement to scientific accuracy, since octopuses don't have tentacles.
the-number-7 ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 04:32:37 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
using an octopus in this joke instead of a squid is irresponsible and I won't stand for it.
raven0usvampire ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 06:14:39 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I think the joke should be "How do you make an octopus laugh". Because when you put the tickle in the joke, it gives the punchline away.
iwishicoulddrainout ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 00:42:19 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
What do the Tickle Me Elmo dolls get before they leave the factory?
Two test-tickles!
jackruby83 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 00:56:26 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I just snorted out of my nose after telling my kids!
bobnbasra ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 01:52:16 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
What's the last thing that Tickle Me Elmo gets before he leaves the factory? - Two Test Tickles.
dan420 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 04:05:21 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
It's supposed to be a foreign guy who gets fired from the tickle me Elmo factory because he keeps sewing little balls between Elmo's legs. When asked why he goes "you said to make sure to give each doll two test tickles."
bobnbasra ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 10:07:28 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Heehee! Okay that's better.
deweysmith ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 03:38:53 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
But an octopus only has eight tentacles
you_got_fragged ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 04:42:45 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
How do you make a test laugh?
Test-tickles
DeuceSevin ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:12:30 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
How do you know if he is ticklish?
Give him a test tickle.
man_on_a_wire ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 21:00:54 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Yay! My favorite kid-joke
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:05:49 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Octopus have arms, not tentacles.
๐๏ธ Alkomb ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 17:04:27 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Ha.
JessKilgour ยท 96 points ยท Posted at 02:22:29 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
There was an explosion in the cheese factory..... De Brie went everywhere.
Bill93 ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 08:01:21 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Read in a Dublin accent, perfect!
LetMeBe_Frank ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:33:54 on February 14, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Why did alcohol consumption and financial troubles increase so much in marriages in the early 1900s?
DeBeers went global.
hermyandthor ยท 267 points ยท Posted at 15:40:02 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Why is there no gambling in Africa?
There's too many cheetahs!
arcsecond ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 01:04:08 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Why should you never play cards in the jungle?
Someone's always a lion, and someone's always a cheetah.
zcbtjwj ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 01:09:25 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Because everyone's lion
nothingno1 ยท 10 points ยท Posted at 02:27:40 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
And blacks
kitty-committee ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 22:38:55 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Deforestation
K4RAB_THA_ARAB ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 04:23:23 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
And if they ain't a cheetah, they're a lion!
Shamic ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 09:41:39 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Humour starved kids in Africa could have told this joke
milkymirotic ยท 1141 points ยท Posted at 16:20:17 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
What did 0 say to 8?
"Nice belt"
JDst4r ยท 939 points ยท Posted at 00:24:04 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Not as PG
What did the O say to the Q?
"good god man put that thing away!"
[deleted] ยท 386 points ยท Posted at 02:35:38 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
What did 8 say to 3?
"JESUS ARE YOU OKAY I'LL GET YOU TO A HOSPITAL JUSTHOLD ON"
PerpetualCamel ยท 13 points ยท Posted at 08:21:11 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
That weird 8 lost its entire left side, but it's all right now.
sLaughterIsMedicine ยท 11 points ยท Posted at 02:43:04 on February 18, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Thisreminds me of my grandfathers favorite joke. "Hey Granddad, are you all right?" "Half Left." Even when the Dementia got really bad, the twinkle in his eye returned a little with that joke.
Thank you for reminding me of that.
PerpetualCamel ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 05:18:22 on February 18, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
And thank you for telling me :)
Insaneshaney ยท 8 points ยท Posted at 06:13:22 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Oh my dear god. I can't stop laughing. That was incredible.
ZapTap ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 06:21:24 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
:(
raiast ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 07:08:03 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
This made me laugh harder than anything else in this thead.
xheist ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 06:04:35 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
That's brilliant!
DoingItWrongly ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 06:59:52 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
It's on north casino way
humblerodent ยท 20 points ยท Posted at 01:47:08 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
You've ruined the letter Q for me.
ubernuke ยท 21 points ยท Posted at 02:03:44 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
How about the letter h?
you_got_fragged ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 04:41:45 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I'll fix it!!!
"I hate the letter Q. It's just an O with a fancy little tail."
King_Spike ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 02:18:56 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
It's a tail!
Nukeliod ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:11:35 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
It's why we see so few Q's in words.
3jt ยท 7 points ยท Posted at 02:40:21 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
More PG: you know you should really quit smoking.
[deleted] ยท 7 points ยท Posted at 02:14:03 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
P and R had the same conversation.
Vee333 ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 05:27:25 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
It was right after a P.
talldrseuss ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 07:39:07 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Thank you for your joke, it helped me understand the other one
MedGrad911 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:45:44 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Took me a second I thought it was a James Bond joke for about 10 seconds
LaxNomad ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 04:17:00 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I don't know why but this one had me in tears. Thank you.
Lurking_n_Jurking ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 06:53:04 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
"Fucken eh!"
"Fuck a B. It's got more holes."
Astronautspiff ยท 14 points ยท Posted at 23:47:08 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Why is 6 afraid of 7?
Because 7 ate 9
[deleted] ยท 48 points ยท Posted at 00:13:14 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Why is 6 afraid of 7?
Because 7 is a registered 6 offender
Au_Struck_Geologist ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 01:15:37 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
This is awesome
ejeebs ยท 8 points ยท Posted at 02:33:40 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Yoda: Why is 5 afraid of 7? Because 6 7 8!
FractalBloom ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 02:52:42 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
MMMMMMMMMM
Alpha3031 ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 02:51:41 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Why is 10 afraid of 7? Because 7 8 9, and 10 is next.
Satans_Pet ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 01:27:54 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Why was 6 status of 7?
Because 7 wrote a manifesto and brought a gun to school
RadFNP ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 01:16:25 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
My husband had to explain this one to me. I then understood the O and Q joke that followed.
stickperch ยท 9 points ยท Posted at 01:04:28 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I like Doug Benson's variation on this. What did the 0 say to the 8? "Nice belt, fuckface."
vesomortex ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 00:09:41 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I don't get this one.
iwasacatonce ยท 11 points ยท Posted at 00:34:18 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
8 is like a 0 with a belt on. I think corset might work better because belts aren't made to shape you like that. Still though.
ORyanx ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 01:43:28 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
this works better with ฮธ
KnivesAndShallots ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 02:24:01 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Now your eight looks like a zero wearing a belt to me.
kuroninjaofshadows ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:11:40 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I Uh... Don't get this one.
patrizl001 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 02:08:38 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
8 is a 0, but wearing a belt (where the lines cross)
WholyFunny ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:23:15 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
This is my standby. Told this to a group of students not too long ago. Big hit.
Adingoateyourbaby ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:38:41 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I don't get it.
LEEVINNNN ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:47:01 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
That took me way too long to get
Steve_McGuilicuty ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 21:17:29 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
What did the 0 ask the 10?
"Who's the skinny bitch?"
Not for General audiences. Parental Guidance is suggested.
nicholastjohnson ยท 485 points ยท Posted at 22:49:17 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
My new favorite. Was posted a couple days ago.
An older fellow is talking to his doctor. He asks the doc, "how long do I have?"
"10"
"10 what?"
"9"
laceandink ยท 35 points ยท Posted at 05:22:05 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
This made it into the new Dead Pool movie
Chiakii ยท 18 points ยท Posted at 05:54:00 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
SPOILERS MAN
longviewite ยท 11 points ยท Posted at 14:46:25 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
/u/laceandink is hereby known as Spoilersman
[deleted] ยท 22 points ยท Posted at 08:09:59 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
This joke is in the new deadpool movie
And yes, you should go watch it.
Do not bring children...
There were at least 10 kids in there when I saw it.... Parenting at its finest.
SadGhoster87 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 23:27:55 on June 22, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
"But my kids are the exception, I can take them to go see- WHAT THE HELL WHY DOES THIS HAVE ALL THESE DIRTY WORDS IN IT I'M SUING MARVEL"
you_got_fragged ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 04:55:25 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
"3... 4... Maybe 5..."
GABRlEL ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 10:58:26 on March 11, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I'm really late but my head is hurting from not understanding the joke. Can you explain it to me please?
nicholastjohnson ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 13:37:37 on March 11, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
He's counting down.
airforcekerlee ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 07:30:51 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Ahh, I see you have seen deadpool.
DJBBear ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:50:59 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Someone just went to see Deadpool, didn't they
_M0rgasm_ ยท 246 points ยท Posted at 23:08:19 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
What's red and bad for your teeth?
A brick.
BillyQuan ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 05:18:23 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I am just happy to know that someone else knows this joke! I told it further up then I saw this.
Tip of the hat to you sir!
wolfgeist ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 08:35:06 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
The mere thought of a brick touching my teeth makes my hair stand up.
[deleted] ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 05:47:55 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
well you're not wrong
Ironcymru ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 07:40:38 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Wait here... I'm going to test this...
RandomRedditorWithNo ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 08:29:26 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
He's not coming back
Ironcymru ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 08:45:53 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I had to go to the dentisht
Risla_Amahendir ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 00:29:08 on February 14, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
This is my favorite (non-pun) joke. I love making people cringe.
peacaulk ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 07:31:11 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
First one I actually lold at, thanks dude
[deleted] ยท 365 points ยท Posted at 19:43:42 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Knock knock: Who's there?
Interrupting starfish
Interuppting star-
proceeds to palm face
[deleted] ยท 172 points ยท Posted at 02:47:35 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
My wife is going to hate me soon
Darkning ยท 25 points ยท Posted at 03:43:12 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I just got her with it haha
Voidwarlock ยท 24 points ยท Posted at 04:25:46 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
You got his wife with it?
stainlesssteele37 ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 15:22:30 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I sense an incoming TIFU
alwaysforgettingmyun ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 08:59:57 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Everyone I know is going to hate me soon.
ambystoma ยท 17 points ยท Posted at 05:15:20 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Also a fan of this one:
Knock, knock
Who's there?
Interrupting sloth
Interrupting sloth who?
...
...
...
SLOOOOOOOOOOTTTTTTHHHH!
Scherzkeks ยท 16 points ยท Posted at 04:18:58 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I did this to a naive dorky friend in college and I had never felt so bad about anything so trivial
[deleted] ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 19:47:12 on February 14, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
My favorite one to play on the girlfriend is "Sex-addicted starfish." basically, the joke is a boob grab...
tinkerer13 ยท 12 points ยท Posted at 03:17:53 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Knock knock
Who's there?
Interrupting Cow
Interupting... ? MMmooooooo!
Maoman1 ยท 7 points ยท Posted at 04:07:43 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I prefer interrupting pirate meself.
Krendyll ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 04:41:15 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Interrupting pirate?
Maoman1 ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 04:55:29 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
You say "Arrrr" instead of "Moooo"
I just think it's more funny.
uncanneyvalley ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 04:43:02 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
ARRRRRRRR
Chiakii ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 05:53:08 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
ELI5 please?
Swoove ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 13:57:51 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Your hand kinda looks like a starfish.
Chiakii ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 15:33:58 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Thanks
SmallTownJerseyBoy ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 12:57:42 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
sloths are slow
lunchbox12682 ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 06:04:15 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Knock knock: Who's there?
Interrupting Rick Flair
Interuppting Rick Fl-
WHOOOO!!!
mrglubglub ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 06:20:40 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
This one is hands down my favorite.
PM_ME_UR_OBSIDIAN ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:43:56 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Note: don't actually do this
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 22:57:19 on February 14, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
IDK works for me. gotta know your audience though.
daneoid ยท 1284 points ยท Posted at 15:50:16 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
What's blue and smells like red paint?
Blue paint.
[deleted] ยท 22 points ยท Posted at 01:52:18 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
What's invisible and smells like carrots?
Rabbit farts.
logicallyillogical ยท 44 points ยท Posted at 00:53:18 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
What do you call a bucket that's painted red.
A red bucket
Geodud3 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 09:12:35 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Whats blue and looks like a bucket? A red bucket painted blue.
PegasusCoffee ยท 11 points ยท Posted at 02:53:25 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
What's red and smells like blue paint?
Blood. I lied about the paint smell.
IAMA_dragon-AMA ยท 11 points ยท Posted at 04:50:30 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Reminds me of a joke I read in a yiddish-humor book.
iordseyton ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 06:39:07 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I always heard it well... you could teach it to whistle
BillyQuan ยท 11 points ยท Posted at 04:47:50 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
What's green and has wheels?
Grass. I lied about the wheels.
And since we're on anti-jokes:
What's red and bad for your teeth?
A brick.
Mr_Delusive ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 07:00:06 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
What's red and bad for your teeth?
Red Paint.
cowboyecosse ยท 21 points ยท Posted at 23:02:10 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
What's yellow and smells of bananas?
Monkey puke.
FattySnacks ยท 60 points ยท Posted at 00:15:33 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Also just bananas
Maoman1 ยท 15 points ยท Posted at 01:25:05 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Fun fact - apparently if you vacuum up a cockroach it smells like bananas. I've never tested it though cause all the roaches I find eventually smell like deadly neurotoxin (raid).
ejeebs ยท 17 points ยท Posted at 02:28:35 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I read this in GLaDOS' voice.
Maoman1 ยท 7 points ยท Posted at 03:32:29 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Yeah that's the point :D I always call raid "deadly neurotoxin" in my best GLaDOS impression.
ejeebs ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 03:47:20 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
The "fun fact" part even sounded like the kind of thing she would say as you reach the elevator to the next chamber.
Maoman1 ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 03:48:31 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Fun fact - you are a horrible person.
ejeebs ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 03:49:51 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Well. What do you know. That was a fun fact.
[deleted] ยท 8 points ยท Posted at 01:56:29 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
What's yellow and dangerous?
Shark-infested custard.
sixteenlettername ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 21:58:58 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Or a canary with a machine gun.
Penla ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 03:42:49 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Whats blue and smells like blue paint?
Red paint in disguise
all4hurricanes ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 05:28:31 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Whats brown and sticky? a stick
[deleted] ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 05:43:11 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Why did I laugh at this?
jericho ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 07:33:52 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
You hear about the accident in the harbour yesterday? 2 boats collided, one carrying red paint and the other blue.
Nobody was hurt, but over 20 sailors were marooned.
raiast ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 07:12:11 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
You just reminded me of something terrible from my past. I'm not even kidding; I still remember the absolute WORST fortune from a fortune cookie I ever received. It was not, in fact, a fortune, but a "riddle". It read as follows":
"Q: What is red and smell like pork? A: Sweet and sour pork."
Worst. Fortune. Ever.
sniperFLO ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 09:29:27 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
What's grey and smells like blue paint?
I dunno but I'm getting a bit dizzy.
FactuallyFalse ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 10:00:52 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
What are blue balls that look red? Blue balls.
gxxncxrlo ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 12:16:03 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
What's red and looks like a truck? A firetruck.
daneoid ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 12:19:09 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Why did the plane crash?
The pilot was a carrot.
Eclias ยท -10 points ยท Posted at 23:36:25 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Except it totally doesn't, you can do an A/B comparison and the pigments actually smell pretty different.
TotalTonix ยท 30 points ยท Posted at 00:33:56 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Every time.
Deathjester99 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 02:00:00 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Your fun at party's
Zeebuss ยท 15 points ยท Posted at 02:28:48 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
My what?
[deleted] ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 02:37:18 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
[deleted]
daneoid ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 03:50:03 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Shaka!
rabidsi ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 04:10:44 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
This might be the most efficient troll comment ever.
ScreamingGordita ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 01:36:15 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Boooooooooo
comradeda ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 02:33:12 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
No it doesn't. The pigments have distinctive smells.
bamber79 ยท 2449 points ยท Posted at 14:53:47 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Where does the general keep his armies? In his sleevies!
[deleted] ยท 1631 points ยท Posted at 17:25:33 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
How does Hitler tie his shoesies? With little knotsies!
NobilisUltima ยท 2697 points ยท Posted at 18:30:20 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I've always heard this as a two-part joke:
NoseDragon ยท 1630 points ยท Posted at 23:21:00 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
A German man is traveling to Poland. He gets to the border and is stopped by immigration.
"Occupation?" they ask him.
"No, just holiday."
Mikeavelli ยท 360 points ยท Posted at 03:13:42 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
A British man is on vacation to Australia. The customs guard asks him, "any criminal record?"
The British man looks a bit worried, and responds "I wasn't aware that was still required..."
SmallTownJerseyBoy ยท 31 points ยท Posted at 12:53:36 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
An American goes to England on vacation, gets stopped by customs.
Do you have anything to declare? INDEPENDENCE!!
Minty_Milk_Straw ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 09:22:19 on August 8, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
/r/polandball is leaking pretty bad over here
Singel48 ยท 102 points ยท Posted at 02:07:56 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
What's Hitlers favorite form of Precipitation?
Hail
Less G rated: When Did Hitler Kill himself?
When he saw the gas bill!
NoseDragon ยท 11 points ยท Posted at 02:11:39 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
How many Jews can you fit in a Volkswagen?
5 safely, but you could squeeze a few more in if they say on each other's laps.
I made that up.
Singel48 ยท 28 points ยท Posted at 02:34:51 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Similar to one I've heard before:
How many Jews can you fit in a mini van? Two in the front, two in the back, and 6 million in the ash tray
FILE_ID_DIZ ยท 19 points ยท Posted at 03:07:32 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
เฒ _เฒ
TitaniumDragon ยท 19 points ยท Posted at 05:39:12 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Holocaust jokes are wonderful things.
One of the more PG ones:
How do you get a Jewish girl's number? Roll up her sleeve.
iordseyton ยท 7 points ยท Posted at 06:30:16 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
One of my favorite non pg ones
What do you tell a black jew?
Back of the oven!
SALT1NES ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 06:44:55 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
What's a Jew's least favourite part of the Holocaust?
The cost
NoseDragon ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 18:45:55 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
That's what my joke is based off of. It counts on the listener expecting it to be a holocaust joke.
DOITDOITDOITORDONT ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 04:50:33 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I feel like the mention of Hilter in any regard probably bumps it up to PG.
banterboi420 ยท 33 points ยท Posted at 00:23:44 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
FTFY A Russian man is traveling to the Ukraine. He gets to the border and is stopped by immigration.
"Occupation?" they ask him.
"No, just holiday."
actual_factual_bear ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 03:23:12 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
The way I heard it:
An Israeli landed at Kennedy Airport in New York. At the control the officer asks, "Occupation?"
The Israeli answers, " No, just visiting. "
banterboi420 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 10:12:03 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Haha very good! I know that would be an American version, I've heard it in Northern Ireland, where I'm from with it being Maggie thatcher 'visiting' :)
toofine89 ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 03:44:52 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Polandball has even done a version of that joke.
NikStalwart ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 07:17:11 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I heard this as Russians coming to the US. But of course US would be trashtalking us.
Scarletfapper ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 11:59:18 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
That's awful.
I'm still laughing out loud.
Tsquare43 ยท 153 points ยท Posted at 20:23:53 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
What's green and flies over Poland?
Snotzies
udders ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 07:21:50 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Who's their leader? Shitler.
gazongagizmo ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 13:56:50 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Actually, it's Peter Panski.
Kurva idiot.
idiotsonfire ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 07:03:52 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
What's green, weighs two tons, and lives at the bottom of the Atlantic ocean?
Moby Snot, the great green whale.
MattGeddon ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 23:09:14 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Genuine tea-flying-out-of-my-mouth LOL at that for some reason, thanks!
Hopeful_Swine ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 01:20:04 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Oh
Scarletfapper ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 11:58:27 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
/r/unexpectedwwii
TheSchnozzberry ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 23:45:46 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I just told those to my dad. He giggled at the first part and rolled his eyes at Poland.
unfettered_logic ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:12:38 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Can't stop laughing.
toxicfemme ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:37:38 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I love this so much. Thanks for making the last 15 minutes of my workday almost bearable.
LordSoren ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:57:18 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Ahhh... the joke and the anti-joke combined.
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 04:15:06 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
tripple whampls
ThebocaJ ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 04:29:35 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
You win this thread
Bareel ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 21:36:46 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Anywhere but Russia. He's learned from his mistakes.
PM_ME_UR_LARGE_TITS ยท 140 points ยท Posted at 18:21:38 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
while g rated, this joke will get your kid into trouble at school
_Toxic__Infant_ ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:08:55 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I thought this was the plan
Stringtone ยท 7 points ยท Posted at 21:14:17 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Where does Hitler keep his armies?
France.
mardh ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 23:28:04 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I made it all the way here without laughing..
Alzanth ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 02:56:43 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Doesn't work without an American accent.
SuperiorAmerican ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 04:51:51 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
What grades did Hitler get in school?
Not C's.
Rebecksy ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:18:05 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
This gave me the giggles.
Not_shia_labeouf ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:21:51 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I don't get it
[deleted] ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 03:10:08 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
[deleted]
calicotrinket ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:08:00 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
What about "shoesies"?
Not_shia_labeouf ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 07:31:53 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Oh okay. I thought the pun was in shoesies. I am silly.
Bandit_Bop ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 04:13:13 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Yes. This is my favorite.
OrangeLlama ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:18:46 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Where can you find mitosis? In my shoes-is!
funkychease ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 20:30:58 on February 19, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Does not work in English accent
Daggaroth ยท 42 points ยท Posted at 17:34:50 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I may need an ELI5 for this one.. I don't get it....
ukkoylijumala ยท 147 points ยท Posted at 17:40:49 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Armies = small arms
Sleevies = small sleeves
zap283 ยท 304 points ยท Posted at 01:14:50 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I thought small arms went in holsters.
DoubleUTeeEfff ยท 11 points ยท Posted at 03:10:43 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
This is not getting the credit it deserves.
dragon1031 ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 03:17:43 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
It's too buried. Friggin brilliant.
iReddit2000 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 03:41:34 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
This is brilliant!
natural_distortion ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:01:24 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Found the Texan.
zap283 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 05:03:37 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I'm actually from an extremely liberal town in Illinois. :P
natural_distortion ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 05:12:03 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I'm afraid I don't know the difference. I'm Canadian.
zap283 ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 05:13:51 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I'm not sure if that's an American political orientation joke or not. Either way, it's funny.
xerxesbeat ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 07:00:21 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Europe's the one that hates us. Canada probably doesn't pay attention
rednax1206 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:40:13 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Texas is Texas and Illinois is not Texas.
natural_distortion ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 06:04:22 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Found the Texan.
rednax1206 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 06:05:46 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I'm actually from Iowa. :P
natural_distortion ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 06:27:54 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
See above.
HopelessSemantic ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:05:29 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Oh, you.
johnabbe ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 10:16:13 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
That's right, and the legs go in hipsters.
bigfartcat ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 13:22:49 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Why did t Rex join the nra? Because he has small arms...
finallyinfinite ยท 11 points ยท Posted at 02:03:05 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Wait, THAT'S the joke? I always thought it was that generals lead armies, and armies sounds like arms. So armies and sleevies.
ApotheounX ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 03:14:21 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
It's both, since armies can be taken to mean the military force, or a cutesy way of saying arms (The ones attached to your torso)
ukkoylijumala ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 04:20:17 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
That's exactly what I was trying to communicate. Armies sounds like small arms.
finallyinfinite ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 22:03:33 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Oh wait. I thought you meant like small guns haha
Daggaroth ยท 20 points ยท Posted at 17:41:54 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Ahhhhh. Thank you for this, I get it now and chuckled openly :)
thnk_more ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 02:22:54 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Sometimes it helps to preface that one with, "this is my favorite kindergarten joke".
Skipachu ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:39:03 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Arms go in shirt sleeves. This particular general speaks like a pirate, or something.
T-A-W_Byzantine ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 04:29:33 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Sir, we need to claim your intelligence card.
thephoton ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:33:43 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
If you were 5, you wouldn't need it explained.
wakenbacons ยท 14 points ยท Posted at 20:03:02 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
How does a Mexican cut his pizza?
With little Ceasars
[deleted] ยท 9 points ยท Posted at 21:07:26 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
What's Sean Connery's favorite sport, and when does he prefer to play it?
Tennish
22mario ยท -1 points ยท Posted at 00:34:50 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Heard this as "when does sean connery arrive at wimbeldon?"
About tennish
EliteFlyingTaco ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 20:42:57 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Where are the Andes? At the end of your armies!
LadyFaye ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 04:33:51 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
This one made me laugh so hard I couldnt retell it properly. It's so damn stupid.
JD_Cassidy ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 22:26:41 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
This is by fare my favourite!
MrNubpwn ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:41:53 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Where does the president keep his armies?
In the Baracks
TommyChongII ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:55:04 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I cried the first time I heard this joke.
patrizl001 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:09:26 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Sounds like a Mobile Strike ad...
ThumbOut ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:22:44 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Win
EpicRedditor34 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:59:55 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I'm not gonna lie, this took me way longer than it should have to get.
Aldeberon ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 06:29:40 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Similarly, Where does a pirate keep his Buccaneers?
Under his Buccan hat.
grawsby ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 06:53:07 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Where do pirates keep their buccaneers? Under their buccan-hats.
theinspectorst ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 11:01:56 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
This one works best when you pull your arms up your sleeves and wave them around while grinning manically for the punchline.
E: and also say Napoleon.
[deleted] ยท 220 points ยท Posted at 15:14:22 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
[deleted]
xTRS ยท 7 points ยท Posted at 01:02:10 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
AKA Russian Nesting Dolls
NortonPike ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 10:09:15 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
You buried this here? Good move.
SeaBearPA ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:09:13 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
did you see tommy emmanuel perform live? he slipped this joke into his set between songs last night haha
Dastardlydoom ยท 387 points ยท Posted at 15:15:54 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
What do you call an alligator in a vest? An investigator!
[deleted] ยท 61 points ยท Posted at 15:43:21 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Or an alligator who works at a bank.
cynic79 ยท 25 points ยท Posted at 00:54:00 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
What do you call an alligator in a vest? An alligator who works at a bank.
brindlethorpe ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 01:14:47 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Don't feel bad. I read it that way at first, too.
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:29:02 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
[deleted]
caseyweederman ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 02:45:14 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
If an alligator worked at a bank, he'd have to wear a vest as part of the uniform.
CrystalElyse ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 03:30:55 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Is that really the joke? I don't think I've ever seen anyone working in a bank wearing a vest. Or, at least, I haven't seen it often enough to recognize that it's a thing.
NihilistDandy ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 03:43:02 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
It's because he deals with investments.
caseyweederman ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 06:38:20 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
No. It's because he's investing.
CrystalElyse ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 13:17:34 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Ooooooh, okay, I get it now. Thanks!
winch25 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:29:39 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I'm still none the wiser.
bioruffo ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 03:10:28 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
An inbankigator!
wolfgeist ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 08:31:47 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I laughed.
Dastardlydoom ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 15:58:15 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Lol funny!:)
wildmetacirclejerk ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 11:10:39 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Or a hedge fund alligator
Gorstag ยท 7 points ยท Posted at 00:57:03 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I guess you could also do: What do you call an alligator who picks fights? An instigator .
Dastardlydoom ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:58:07 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Love it LOL๐
JeffCarr ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 00:09:54 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Fancy as fuck!
Dastardlydoom ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 00:20:26 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Like a duck can the duck fuck? ๐
FILE_ID_DIZ ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 03:33:30 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Dastardlydoom ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 03:34:20 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Quack quack!
FILE_ID_DIZ ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 03:37:58 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Didn't get the reference, huh? You're in for a treat: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WXFDiWgRlfc
Dastardlydoom ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 03:47:00 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Omg my Eyes and ears noooo
FILE_ID_DIZ ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 03:47:56 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
BAHAHAHAAA! Sorry, bro :D
Dastardlydoom ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 03:49:01 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
No problem I was laughing my ass off good one ๐
Dastardlydoom ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 04:26:53 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
you got me I still can't unsee it oh noooo
Edward40Hands ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 01:01:47 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Fancy as fuck!
Dastardlydoom ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:02:43 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Does a duck fuck? ๐
RedMercenary ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 02:15:00 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Came here to include this joke, you handled it already. My wife has grown to hate this joke based on how frequently I tell it when we're driving and there's no escape.
Dastardlydoom ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:17:16 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
My kids do to but I love it!! ๐๐
MattGeddon ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 23:14:59 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Always heard it as "what do you call an alligator wearing a vest that solves crimes?"
Dastardlydoom ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 23:16:16 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Yes that would be funny :)
Dostoevshmee ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 05:32:39 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
i like you
Dastardlydoom ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 14:28:31 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I like you too ๐
[deleted] ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 14:00:56 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
[deleted]
Dastardlydoom ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 14:23:04 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Love it Lol great way to start the morning ๐
Brinky07 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 23:28:27 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Fancy as fuck.
Dastardlydoom ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 23:29:27 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Would a duck?
fafiy ยท 489 points ยท Posted at 19:50:32 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
A squirrel is living in a pine tree. One day he feels it shaking, looks down, and sees an elephant climbing the tree. The squirrel asks: "What are you doing climbing my tree?" "Well, I'm coming up here to eat some pears," says the elephant. "You idiot, this is a pine tree, there are no pears." "Well I brought my own pears."
Papajon87 ยท 12 points ยท Posted at 02:06:49 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Awesome
voidsoul22 ยท 10 points ยท Posted at 05:19:59 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
This joke is just absurd. Elephants don't like pears
Ironcymru ยท 8 points ยท Posted at 07:43:42 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
This is certainly the only absurdity in the joke.
awoelt ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 07:48:02 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I thought it was a normal story till OP ruined it with a scientific impossibility
ratcity22 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:13:26 on March 6, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
And since when do squirrels live in trees???
ciliese13 ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 09:43:34 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
This is awful. I love it <3
DVS_phoenix ยท 10 points ยท Posted at 02:22:36 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I don't get it...
George_E_Hale ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 04:39:55 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Me either but I laughed.
Leonashanana ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 04:00:41 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Me neither
Pointyspoon ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 07:24:19 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Elephant climbed up tree to eat pears that he brought along with himself
DVS_phoenix ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 11:02:06 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Well yeah, I read it. I just don't get it...
Pointyspoon ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 16:09:41 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
maybe it's just not funny....
SeaBearPA ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 18:57:49 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
cause the squirrel told him it was a pine tree but he just wanted to eat his own pears up in the tree...ahh, fuck it.
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 04:18:38 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
quad whamp
jcskarambit ยท -14 points ยท Posted at 00:55:45 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I can't even...
No. Just no.
CloudSA ยท 72 points ยท Posted at 00:23:39 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Have you heard about that kidnapping?
He woke up.
Alpha3031 ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 03:32:12 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
BucketMaster69 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 03:50:16 on February 14, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Haha this is from Majora's mask
TheRabidDeer ยท 274 points ยท Posted at 23:59:11 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
So an Australian that was born in a rural village with very limited technology and no streets to speak of visits England. He is wandering around in awe, walking in streets and nearly getting hit by cars when a policeman sees him and he shouts to him, "Oy! You there! Did you come here to die?!" to which the Aussie replies, "Nah mate. I came here yesterday"
danstoncul ยท 15 points ยท Posted at 02:10:06 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
World Vision - Sponsor a child to die.
Shamic ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 09:49:55 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Funny joke. And I really don't want to be that guy, but australians don't pronounce it like that. We say TOO DAE, I don't know a single person who would say too die. I dont even think the kiwis would say it like that
verheyen ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 13:04:48 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I think its an older accent thing. A lot of these Aussie jokes would have been great for my gdad
CHEWS_OWN_FORESKIN ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 21:44:16 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Fuck off m8
Emptydarkone ยท 763 points ยท Posted at 16:24:45 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
What's another name for a Filipino contortionist?
A Manila folder!
JefftheBaptist ยท 26 points ยท Posted at 01:12:14 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
That punchline would also work for a Filipino who practiced origami.
Johrel ยท 31 points ยท Posted at 21:36:11 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Being a Filipino, I find this joke amazing!
[deleted] ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 22:15:06 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Call me slow, but I don't get it! :(
Mad_Mat ยท 40 points ยท Posted at 22:24:10 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Manila - The capital of the Philippines.
Filipino - a native of the Philippines.
A Manilla folder is a stationary item (something used to store paper files).
A contortionist - somebody that folds themselves.
All this leads to.. somebody that can fold themselves while living in the philippines. Manila Folder.
[deleted] ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 22:31:28 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Ah, thank you!
setfire3 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 04:57:49 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
There are way too many words I don't understand in this joke. TY
semininja ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 07:22:49 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
stationery ;)
Maoman1 ยท 9 points ยท Posted at 04:05:01 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
My wife is filipeno and when I told her she took like 3 seconds of just staring at me with an angry face, then laughed her ass off.
Emptydarkone ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 04:34:09 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
That actually made me laugh out loud! I'm glad so many people can find humour in this simple joke.
idiotsonfire ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 07:09:32 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I heard a different version of that.
splice_of_life ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 03:06:57 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I've never heard this one; it's great.
desleaunoi ยท 1144 points ยท Posted at 17:38:24 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)*
My friend had a baby recently. The doctor was weighing the baby when she turned to my friend and said, "I've seen ugly babies before, but not on this scale!"
Edit: to be clear, this is an entirely fake anecdote created for the purpose of the joke.
[deleted] ยท 21 points ยท Posted at 01:45:49 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Similarly from the Drew Carey Show, after Drew gets pranked: "Just like the doctor told your parents when you were born Mimi: it's gonna get ugly."
courtarro ยท 13 points ยท Posted at 03:26:20 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Doctor shows the new parents their newborn baby. "Here's your beautiful new baby boy!"
"Thanks doctor. But I bet you say that about every baby, don't you!"
"Oh no, only when they're beautiful like this one."
"Well what do you say when you present ugly babies to their parents?"
"Now THAT'S a baby!"
ameristraliacitizen ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 03:23:55 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I really want to go to medical school and become a doctor just to use this joke but I'm already stuck in my ways
[deleted] ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 01:20:49 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Jesus I wonder how many times he's cracked that gem out...
gurana ยท 24 points ยท Posted at 01:39:29 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
My wife is an L&D nurse. There's a male ob, when repairing a laceration after a delivery will say, amazingly, "...and one extra stitch for the new dad!"
Tanks4me ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 01:39:45 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I find it mildly amusing that he both called the baby ugly and beautiful at the same time.
op135 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:05:29 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
that is too cute.
peekay427 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 07:21:57 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I'm glad you cleared that up because I was about to demand proof!
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 11:48:48 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
some babies are beautiful
Papajon87 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:58:08 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Can use this soon
Poptart47 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:49:52 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Your joke = meh. The edit actually made me laugh though.
officialxian ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 04:03:32 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Made me think of Jim Gaffigan on Camping: "I recently went camping for this next joke"
Satans__Secretary ยท -17 points ยท Posted at 02:35:33 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Ugh, how disgusting. Not funny at all.
-Captain- ยท 9 points ยท Posted at 03:22:54 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
You joking, right?
Or have a very ugly baby?
[deleted] ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 11:51:03 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
even ugly babies are funny
Ron_Textall ยท 2503 points ยท Posted at 14:51:36 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Two atoms are walking down the street together. The first atom turns and says, "Hey, you just stole an electron from me!"
"Are you sure?" asks the second atom.
To which the first atom replies, "Yeah, I'm positive!"
MadDannyBear ยท 1009 points ยท Posted at 15:40:13 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
A neutron walks into a bar and asks, "how much for a drink?" To which the bartender replys, "for you, no charge."
Avatar_Of_Brodin ยท 846 points ยท Posted at 15:44:46 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)*
A neutrino walks through a bar.
Edit: Three people have posted the faster than light particle joke. Proof of karma entanglement.
Mr_Wayne ยท 350 points ยท Posted at 21:59:40 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
The barman says: โWe donโt serve faster-than-light particles here.โ
A tachyon walks into a bar.
carlosfhdez ยท 26 points ยท Posted at 00:41:19 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
sir, you just made me laugh... sorry about your parents....
LordSyyn ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 02:23:39 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
But, but the bartender is faster than light? And the particle isn't?
I like it.
[deleted] ยท 11 points ยท Posted at 07:31:42 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
If they exist, tachyons would move backwards in time.
Goofz ยท -4 points ยท Posted at 10:30:57 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I lol'd
Then I tried to remember how I found this joke hilarious..
I'm being released from the stroke ward tomorrow
SputtleTuts ยท 760 points ยท Posted at 16:02:14 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Photons have mass? I didn't even know they were Catholic!
chaosmech ยท 478 points ยท Posted at 19:10:40 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
A Higgs boson walks into a cathedral. The priest, furious, storms up to the Higgs boson and demands that it leave.
"You call yourself the God particle! That's sacrilege, and I insist you leave immediately!"
The Higgs boson smugly asks "Well, if you don't allow Higgs bosons, then how do you have mass?"
ulyssessword ยท 458 points ยท Posted at 19:19:30 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
A bacterium walks into a restaurant, ignores everyone, and walks straight into the kitchen. The cook looks over and sees him:
"Hey, you can't be back here! Employees only."
The bacteria responds, "It's okay, I'm staph."
Slovish ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 22:44:06 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Rofl. Nice man
Noy2222 ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 06:00:12 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Schrodinger's cat walks into a bar. And doesn't
calicotrinket ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 05:14:55 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
What did the male bacteria say to the female bacteria?
Who needs biology when we have chemistry!
Tyson_Wilkins ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 03:24:32 on May 8, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
A photon walks into a hotel. When he's checked in the manager asks:
"Need any help with your bags?"
The photon replies:
"No need, I'm travelling light."
hilarymeggin ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:01:37 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Ewww!! ๐
[deleted] ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 01:47:59 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Mostly quark binding energy.
ShiftyMcShift ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:38:40 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Electrons are lousy cooks; they always keep the pea shell.
SwagDrag1337 ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 05:13:50 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Binding energy of the nucleus!
ras344 ยท 68 points ยท Posted at 19:55:18 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
A photon checks into a hotel, and the bellhop asks if he needs any help with his luggage.
The photon says, "No thanks, I'm traveling light!"
brolaw ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 18:15:04 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I just read that joke in Angels and Demons and it had me dying laughing.
originaloctavia ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 05:16:07 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
So a photon walks into a hotel, and the doorman asks if he can help him with his luggage. The photon replies "nah, I'm traveling light"
ninj3rz ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 21:34:33 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I heard that the first time from fallout 3, the robot butler in tenpenny tower.
pjabrony ยท 13 points ยท Posted at 21:59:25 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
The bartender says, "What'll you have?"
A tachyon walks into a bar.
idiotsonfire ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 06:55:37 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
A virus walks into a bar. The bartender says "Hey! We don't serve viruses here!" The virus takes over the bartender, turns around and says "Now we do!"
An infectious disease walks into a bar. The bartender says "We don't serve infectious diseases here!" The infectious disease says "Well, you're not a very good host."
Two bacteria walk into a bar. The bartender says "We don't serve bacteria here!" The bacteria look at the bartender and say "But we work here. We're staph!"
A room temperature superconductor walks into a bar. The bartender says "We don't serve superconductors here!" The superconductor leaves without putting up any resistance.
An infrared photon walks into a bar and says "Hey! Is it hot in here, or is it me?"
A neutrino walks into a bar. The bartender says "Hey! We don't serve neutrinos here!" The neutrino says "Hey. I was just passing through!"
Schrodinger's cat walks into a bar...and doesn't.
neutronfish ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 02:39:40 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
But they didn't post the right version...
A tachyon walks into a bar. The bartender says "we don't serve tachyons around here!" The offended tachyon blubbers "but... but you did tomorrow!"
Walter_Malone_Carrot ยท -9 points ยท Posted at 22:19:28 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
The bartender says 'we don't serve faster than light particles here'.
A neutrino walks into the bar.
GodlessPerson ยท 9 points ยท Posted at 02:26:59 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
One of these is not like the others.
F0RGERY ยท 486 points ยท Posted at 17:58:38 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Helium walks into a bar. The bartender says "Hey, we don't serve noble gasses here. Get out!" He doesn't react.
[deleted] ยท 82 points ยท Posted at 18:24:48 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Rightfully so, he could've been sued!
myownperson12 ยท 9 points ยท Posted at 01:51:07 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
"Elements REACT"
KJ6BWB ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 01:24:54 on February 15, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
No, noble gases aren't a protected class, it's legal to discriminate on that basis. http://tvtropes.org/pmwiki/pmwiki.php/Main/TheComicallySerious
e2c1h8o6 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 04:46:03 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Good god that was meta
Nasserali1913 ยท 9 points ยท Posted at 02:30:13 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Good, he would've otherwise been sued by The Fine Bros
you_got_fragged ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 04:40:46 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
savage
Paracelcus ยท 13 points ยท Posted at 22:54:02 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I told this one to my Chem professor. The professor reacted violently for a prolonged time.
zoraluigi ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 03:05:07 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
A yes, Dr. Flourine.
IAMA_Plumber-AMA ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 03:06:40 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
The bartender says "Get out, we don't serve your kind here."
A tachyon walks into a bar.
Ron_Textall ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:46:07 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
love this one haha
ColonelYuri ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 09:15:13 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
A photon walks into a hotel. The bellboy asks him "would you like any help with your bags?" to which the photon replies, "no thanks, I'm travelling light."
Dnemesis123 ยท 18 points ยท Posted at 21:58:04 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Don't trust the atoms. They make up everything
pokelord13 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:37:09 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Don't be so negative
Harry_monk ยท 13 points ยท Posted at 23:21:50 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Shall I tell you a joke about sodium?
Na.
PeridotTheNerd ยท 8 points ยท Posted at 02:24:21 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
"Wanna hear a joke about potassium?" "K."
HauschkasFoot ยท 67 points ยท Posted at 15:19:24 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Lol I've heard a similar joke, but with HIV
3jt ยท 9 points ยท Posted at 02:31:32 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Two homosexual atoms in a diatomic gas molecule are randomly walking down Castro Street together. The first atom turns and says, "Hey, you just stole an electron from me!"
"Are you sure?" asks the second atom.
To which the first atom replies, "Yeah, I'm HIV positive!"
To which the second atom replies, "You're Group V, Nitrogen, and if you have four unpaired electrons then... wait... this is a joke about ionization just so you can use the hydrogen ground state solution to the Schrรถdinger equation!"
They high fived their 1s orbitals and chortled between 80nm and 91nm.
LOLOLOL fuck you
Doyoueverjustlikeugh ยท 40 points ยท Posted at 18:09:29 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Are you sure?
I'm not just sure I'm HIV positive.
Marysthrow ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 00:12:17 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
*HIV Aladeen
FTFY
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:18:12 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
"Are you positive?"
"Yes but don't tell them or they'll fire me"
Gay porn doctor SNL skit
ReCancer ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 14:27:36 on February 19, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Wait, you're HIV Aladeen or Aladeen?
Disproves ยท 7 points ยท Posted at 17:49:51 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
You just stole an HIV from me...?
rayzman18 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 20:20:25 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
What's the joke?
AlpineKnot ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 20:53:08 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
The first atom then says, "I got my ion you!"
PM_ME_LEGAL_PAPERS ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 18:51:29 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
A student is taking an organic chemistry test, but is stuck on a 2-choice question concerning the structure of ethers. He can't remember how to draw one, so he tries prying the answer out of the professor. The professor takes a look at the answer choices and says: "It's etheR-O-R."
cynoclast ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 01:39:24 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
The worst thing about this is one of the earlier scientists to study electricity got it backwards. It's why electricity flows out of the negative end in batteries, and why something that lost an electron is now 'positive' instead of negative.
Phoenixness ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 02:19:42 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I don't trust atoms, they make up everything.
Rambocat1 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 02:25:10 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I think I lost an electron, but I'm not positive.
LazyLizardLounge ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 02:40:35 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
A photon checks into a hotel when the concierge asks if he has any luggage he wants brought up to his room. The photon responds "no thanks, I'm traveling light."
Pisforpocketwhale ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 03:26:24 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
He's probably making it up. Atoms make up everything.
scottishdrunkard ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:02:01 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
... I get it! He's now a Positive Ion!
not_a_password ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:20:01 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Too bad helium isn't diatomic.
HeHe
Blistered_Palms ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:35:34 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Are you my old chemistry teacher?
MyersVandalay ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 04:09:43 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Later on, a sodium atom sucker punched a chlorine atom, both were arrested for a salt.
ConstaChugga ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 04:15:27 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
The antimatter punchline would be "Oh stop being so negative"
kmarple1 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 06:08:02 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Two chemists walk into a bar. The first one tells the bartender, "I'll have an H2O." The second chemist thinks for a moment and says, "I'll have an H2O, too." He died.
thehauntedmattress ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 10:25:40 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
"Next time keep your ion it."
TheGuardianX ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:00:38 on February 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
A photon checks into a hotel and the clerk asks him " any baggage" the photon replies, "nope, I travel light"
Cpax18 ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 01:37:27 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Never trust an atom, they make up everything.
chhotu007 ยท -1 points ยท Posted at 00:55:20 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I was told to never believe atoms. They make up everything.
la_fleurr ยท 130 points ยท Posted at 18:39:01 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
why did the golfer wear two pairs of pants? in case he got a hole in one
VaatiXIII ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 23:58:18 on April 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
He's so excited he shat his pants? /s
la_fleurr ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:23:01 on April 22, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I can't believe you even found this comment after two months and it being so far down. And then commented hahaha
VaatiXIII ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:12:16 on April 22, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Oh my god I didn't realize I'd sorted by top posts this year. Whoops.
TheFreshOne ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 20:27:14 on February 18, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
:D
shigglesmcwhigley ยท 800 points ยท Posted at 14:51:09 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
What do you call a fish with no eyes?
a fsh
(works better spoken because "no i's")
Wade42 ยท 569 points ยท Posted at 19:06:24 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Follow immediately with this one:
Q: What do you call a deer with no eyes?
A: No eye deer.
synthcheer1729 ยท 399 points ยท Posted at 21:04:03 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
What do you call a blind deer with no legs?
Still no eye deer.
LicklePickle ยท 347 points ยท Posted at 22:24:35 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
What do you call a dog with no legs? Doesn't matter what you all him, he ain't coming.
theAtheistAxolotl ยท 112 points ยท Posted at 00:06:03 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Where do you find a dog with no legs?
Right where you left him.
Singel48 ยท 10 points ยท Posted at 02:14:44 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
What do you call a man with no arms or legs who's laying in a pile of leaves?
Russell
IAMA_dragon-AMA ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 04:28:48 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
What do you call a man with no arms or legs floating in a lake?
Bob
What about the ocean?
Chum
rednax1206 ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 05:42:40 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
What do you call a man with no arms or legs hanging on a wall?
Art
IAMA_dragon-AMA ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 05:43:56 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
What do you call a man with no arms or legs lying on the porch?
Matt.
Stennotype ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 06:08:29 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
What do you call a spider with 3 eyes?
A spiiider
SadGhoster87 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 23:31:32 on June 22, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Vriska Serket perked up her ears.
BleedingPurpandGold ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 07:01:28 on February 15, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
What do you call two guys with no arms and no legs hanging by a window?
Kurt n Rod.
you_are_beauty ยท 10 points ยท Posted at 01:02:34 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
What do you call a guy with no limbs, floating in the ocean? ...Bob. What do you call a guy with no limbs who sits on your doorstep? ...Matt. What do you call a guy with no limbs who rolls around in leaves? ...Russel.
CalvinistBaptist ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 02:33:05 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Woman with no left arm or right leg? Eileen.
yippee_skippy ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:41:28 on February 20, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
An Asian woman with one leg shorter than the other? Irene
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:32:33 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
[deleted]
you_are_beauty ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 01:42:40 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
First, I truly don't mean to be insensitive to anyone without limbs. Second, because, it's a joke.
And Bob could be swimming, and Matt could be meditating in lotus position... Russell just kind of goes with the theme.
ohimjustagirl ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 02:42:41 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
You forgot a couple!
What do you call a man with a shovel? Doug.
What do you call a man without a shovel? Douglas!
Tfw_nsfw_at_work ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 00:26:53 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
My coworker gave me a confused face after he heard me laugh, looked at me and I was frowning.
DaMooseWasLoose ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 01:24:55 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
What do you call a dog with no back legs and balls of steel?
Sparky.
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:01:53 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
What do you do with a dog with no legs? Take him for a drag.
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:28:36 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
You call him Joint, for when you can take him out for a drag.
PropofolPopsicles ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:27:33 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
What do you call a cow with no legs.
Ground beef.
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:53:57 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
What do you call a dog with no legs?
Cigarette because you take it out for a drag every morning.
RoninIV ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 06:02:12 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I named him cigarette and took him out for a drag.
Jawbreaker93 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:28:51 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Where do you find a woman with no arms or legs?
Right where you left her.
Mitchhhhhh ยท 44 points ยท Posted at 23:04:14 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
What do you call a cow with no legs?
Ground beef.
PM_ME_STEAM_MONEY ยท 11 points ยท Posted at 23:17:25 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
What do you call a cow with two legs?
Your mother.
Lamarwpg ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 23:34:34 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
What do you call a cow missing one leg?
Lean ground beef?
boredcircuits ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 01:10:50 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
What do you call a cow missing its hind legs?
An udder drag.
phytophile ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 01:19:39 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Tri-tip
_Toxic__Infant_ ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:10:19 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Lean beef
HosstownRodriguez ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 02:36:28 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
What do you call a cow masturbating?
Beef stroganoff.
mjkliou ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:16:28 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Has anyone ever actually PMed you steam wallet?
PM_ME_STEAM_MONEY ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 00:43:24 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Unfortunately no.
But if you wanna I'm not complaining wink wink nudge nudge.
lacheur42 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:28:09 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
What do you call a masturbating cow?
Beef stroganoff.
Oh, wait that's not G rated...
Veatchdave ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:46:32 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Star kid ftw.
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:21:49 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
'd'ya call a prostitute with no legs:
Cash and carry.
cledus1911 ยท 14 points ยท Posted at 22:55:07 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
What do you call a deer with no eyes, no legs, and no dick?
Still no fucking eye deer
setsuwa ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 23:33:56 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
What do you call a deer with no eyes, no legs, and no dick cut in half?
Still half no fucking eye deer
DraconisRex ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 01:12:18 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
What do you call a blind deer with no legs, on train tracks with a train coming?
Fucked!
[deleted] ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 01:55:50 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
What do you call a blind deer with no legs who's an unrepentant sinner and has died?
Still no eye deer in hell.
thatblokewiththehat ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 00:33:40 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
What do you call a deer with an infected eye?
Bad eye deer.
andiam03 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 06:53:24 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
What do you call a cross between an elephant and a rhino?
Elephino.
drtbg ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:26:50 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
What do you call a blind deer with no legs and no genitals?
Still no fucking eye deer.
sasquonkey ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:16:56 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)*
What do you call a celibate deer with no eyes and no legs?
Still no fucking eye deer
*Edit formatting
BadBoyJH ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:37:17 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
If we want to get out of G rated, the deer could also be having sex.
Still fucking no eye deer.
blasto_blastocyst ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:01:03 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
What do you call a blind deer with no legs and no genitals?
Still no fucking eye deer.
thatvoicewasreal ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:15:03 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
And a mating blind deer with no legs?
Fucking still no eye deer.
synthcheer1729 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:17:24 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Click "read more comments", please.
Prahv1568 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:32:28 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
What do you call a blind deer with no legs and no reproductive organs?
Still no fucking idea.
dobdobdobdobdob ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:17:21 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
What do you call a deer with no eyes, no legs, and no weiner or vagina? Still no fucking eye deer.
synthcheer1729 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 03:18:36 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I'm going to wake up tomorrow with thousands of this same reply in my inbox, aren't I? Whatever.
Arsemerica ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:32:44 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
What do you call a deer with no eyes, no legs, and no genitals? Still no fucking eye deer.
birdsong4j ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:36:35 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Not PG 3rd part:
What do you call a deer with no eyes, no legs, and no testicles?
Still no fucking eye deer.
(This was the first "dirty" joke I ever heard)
atuznik ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 04:06:02 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
What do you call a blind deer with no legs and no dick?
Still no fucking eye deer.
TheSeventhWalrus ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 04:30:34 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
What do you call a blind deer with no legs and no blood?
synthcheer1729 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 04:35:47 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Does it involve a faint eye deer?
TheSeventhWalrus ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 04:41:47 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Still no bloody eye deer.
TheSeventhWalrus ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 04:42:36 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Still no bloody eye deer.
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 04:33:25 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
[deleted]
synthcheer1729 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 04:36:18 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
The chain was finished, like, a dozen times already.
dj-baby-bok-choy ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 14:08:54 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Thanks for being the human equivalent of that hook that pulls people off stage
synthcheer1729 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:23:00 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
You're welcome! :D
dj-baby-bok-choy ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:23:44 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
We'll be here all night, thanks folks!
you_got_fragged ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 04:46:47 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
What do you call a blind deer with no legs and no fur?
Still no eye deer
TheWorldInsideMyHead ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 04:47:10 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
What do you call a wounded deer with no eyes and no legs?
Still no bloody eye deer.
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 06:11:22 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
What do you call a blind deer with no legs or genitals? Still no fucking eye deer.
werelemming ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 08:11:34 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
What do you call a deer with no eyes, legs, or penis?
Still no fucking eye deer
capacillyrio ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 12:03:41 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Then another one if you aren't in a G setting
i_hope_i_remember ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 12:05:16 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
+18 joke but what do you call a blind deer with no legs mating another deer?
Still fucking no idea.
yberry ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 13:23:26 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
What do you call a deer with no eyes and no legs on fire?
Still flamin' no eye deer
Dicer214 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:24:03 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
What do you call a blind dinosaur?
Doyouthinkhesaurus!
What do you call a blind dinosaurs dog?
Doyouthinkhesaurus-Rex!
Also not quite "g-rated":
What do you call a gay dinosaur?
Megasorearse!
Das_Mojo ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 00:10:09 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
What do you call a deer with no eyes, no legs and no balls?
Still no fucking eye deer.
Not G rated I know.
synthcheer1729 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 00:24:48 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I've heard this joke three times in the last few hours now.
Tuss ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 03:51:04 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
That's what happens when they are no eye humans.
UnsinkableRubberDuck ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 22:35:12 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Doyouthinkhesaurus.
noonespecific ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 23:12:13 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
What do you call a deer with perfect eye sight?
A good eye deer.
IComposeEFlats ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 03:24:04 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
What do you get when you cross an elephant with a rhinoceros? Eliphino.
Brown_Brony ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 05:32:09 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
What do you call an elephant mixed with a rhino? Elephino.
Theriegs ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 05:35:06 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
what do you call someone with no body or nose?
nobody knows.
[deleted] ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 05:39:48 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
What do you call a mix between an elephant and a rhino? Hellifiknow.
That completes my triad of go-to jokes
rhymes_with_snoop ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 09:34:29 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
In the same vein:
Q: What do you get when you cross a rhino with an elephant?
A: Elephino.
ISfly10 ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 23:41:52 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
What do you call regretting hurting a blind deer?
A bad eye deer
Scalby ยท 7 points ยท Posted at 23:13:23 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
What do you call a pig with 4 eyes? A piiiig.
zibberfly ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 04:16:59 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Wouldn't work in New Zealand
[deleted] ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 22:20:45 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
A fish swims into a wall.
"Dam!" he exclaims.
reindeer73 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 02:14:08 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
ugh. My HS band director said this joke at EVERY concert lol
Sox2417 ยท 7 points ยท Posted at 17:01:16 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
This is a clubpenguin joke.......
admon_ ยท 34 points ยท Posted at 18:12:49 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
that joke has been around longer than clubpenguin
kmmontandon ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 03:11:12 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Most redditors haven't.
shigglesmcwhigley ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 17:03:24 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
pardon my ignorance, but what is clubpenguin exactly? I mean, I've heard of it, but have no idea what it is.
bex10 ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 17:14:47 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
/r/bannedfromclubpenguin/
Sox2417 ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 17:09:04 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Clubpenguin is a an online in browser game for young kids. Used to be very popular awhile ago but as people grew older it died down. Disney then bought club penguin. Its a 10 year old game by now. People on Reddit love meme about clubpenguin because if you swear in it you get banned for forever if you do it enough.
manawesome326 ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 21:02:53 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I was banned for hacking in coins. I swear, I'm innocent!
route-eighteen ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 21:10:08 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
this joke is so lame but it brought me to tears
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 22:21:55 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
My 8 year old actually told me this one last week :)
blore40 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:12:52 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
An amblyopsidae.
Splendidissimus ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:21:48 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
<tangent>
I am a Pisces who has only one functioning eye. I heard this joke years ago (although phrased as "without an eye" or "with no eye") and since then have called myself fsh.
</tangent>
iWriteCodeSometimes ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:33:31 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
What do you call a deer with no eyes? No-eye deer.
What do you call a deer with no eyes and no legs? Still. No-eye deer.
What do you call a deer with no eyes, no legs and no ears? Can't hear. Still. No-eye deer.
What do you call a deer with no eyes, no legs, no ears and no genitalia? Can't hear. Still. No fucking eye deer.
bonwag ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:57:01 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Also better spoken or screamed:
What do you call a fish with three eyes?
A FIIISH!
impossiblevoyage ยท 632 points ยท Posted at 14:59:24 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
What did St Patrick say as he was driving the snakes out of Ireland?
"You all right in the back there, lads?"
Dexaan ยท 274 points ยท Posted at 20:05:36 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Snake, respond. Snake?! SNAAAAAAAAAAAAAAKE!
halibuttaco ยท 19 points ยท Posted at 01:10:41 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
!
[deleted] ยท 9 points ยท Posted at 01:24:46 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Whose footprints are these!
natural_distortion ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 05:04:01 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Huh? Just a box...
SurprisedPotato ยท 35 points ยท Posted at 00:41:28 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Badger Badger Badger Badger Badger Badger Badger Badger
screen317 ยท 27 points ยท Posted at 01:04:57 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
mushroom mushroom
ameristraliacitizen ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 03:29:31 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
ISfly10 ยท 7 points ยท Posted at 23:43:35 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Kept us waiting huh?
[deleted] ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 03:30:57 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Lost my shit when I read this lol
Mattiam ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 15:12:27 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I had flashbacks of marathon gaming nights long since past from this comment
usernamepanic ยท 20 points ยท Posted at 22:07:25 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Please explain this to me.
Colopty ยท 71 points ยท Posted at 22:38:36 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
St Patrick is known for getting rid of the snakes in Ireland (I have no clue on whether or not he actually did and am too lazy to look it up), therefore he is said to have driven them out.
This joke, however, plays with the phrase "driving out of" so that instead of meaning that he got rid of them he was instead the driver on a car trip out of Ireland with a bunch of snakes in the back seat acting as his passengers.
boomerxl ยท 22 points ยท Posted at 00:57:06 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
It's an allegorical account of his conversion of the Irish people, with the old religions being the snakes.
In reality Ireland got too cold for too long during the last ice age and only a single reptile species survived.
eridor0 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 01:10:19 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
http://wildhunt.org/2011/03/a-quick-word-about-st-patricks-day.html
Not really.
Satans__Secretary ยท -5 points ยท Posted at 02:39:45 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
"Conversion".
Satans__Secretary ยท -3 points ยท Posted at 02:38:12 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
It's an allegory for the mass genocide of Pagan Priests and Priestesses.
xayma ยท 7 points ยท Posted at 22:35:35 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
The snakes were in the backseat of a car St Patrick was driving.
Thaumas ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 04:16:33 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
snek
3jt ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 02:41:27 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I believe he said "Badger badger badger, mushroom mushroom"
[deleted] ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 05:27:58 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
i don get it :\
LetMeBe_Frank ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 03:24:22 on February 14, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
It's a play on the use of drive. The story goes that St Patrick drove the snakes out of Ireland, in the sense that he directed them to leave (like a cattle driver). In this joke, the punchline is he asks the snakes how they're doing, as if he's driving them in the back of a truck.
bigfartcat ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 13:42:04 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Why did st Patrick drive the snakes out of Ireland? Because it was too far to walk...
Twitchy_throttle ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 07:48:54 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Best said in a strong Irish accent.
Satans__Secretary ยท -8 points ยท Posted at 02:38:36 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Becomes un-funny when you realize the man was responsible for mass murder.
shlongboardin ยท 224 points ยท Posted at 23:07:09 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Why do sharks swim in salt water? -Because pepper water makes them sneeze.
BranWafr ยท 675 points ยท Posted at 14:58:24 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
What do vegetarian zombies eat?
Graaaaaaiiiins......
Ginger_Overlord92 ยท 298 points ยท Posted at 19:10:50 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
What do pilot zombies fly?
Plaaaaaannneees....
domesticsuperpoo ยท 441 points ยท Posted at 21:38:35 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
What does a zombie bodybuilder love?
Gaaaiinnss
evictor ยท 51 points ยท Posted at 00:44:56 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
bro do u even infect
GeraldBWilsonJr ยท 17 points ยท Posted at 02:55:29 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
What injury to running zombies get?
spraaaaaaiins
un1cornbl00d ยท 16 points ยท Posted at 02:59:03 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
What kind of underwear do zombies wear?
Haaaannnneess
utulien ยท 13 points ยท Posted at 03:34:42 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
What does the zombie plumber fix? Draaaaaaaiiiiiinnnnnnsssss
dodunichaar ยท 13 points ยท Posted at 02:49:40 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
What does a zombie sadist love?
Paaaaiinnss
Everythings ยท 18 points ยท Posted at 01:26:24 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
What do zombie children play? Gaaaaames
mdmiles19 ยท 18 points ยท Posted at 02:18:30 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Who was zombie Beowulf king of?
Daaaaiinnss
whole_nother ยท 8 points ยท Posted at 04:44:04 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Geeeeats...it doesn't work. He wasn't king of the Danes. Edit: but you could say "who are Beowulf's loyal followers? Thaaaanes!"
mdmiles19 ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 11:03:11 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Oh fuck your right that was Hrothgar. I guess I could've said who did zombie Beowulf aid. Thanks for the correction.
Pistol_Pete_94 ยท 18 points ยท Posted at 01:55:51 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
What do all these zombie jokes have in commen?
Laaaaaame
[deleted] ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 04:59:00 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
[deleted]
Pistol_Pete_94 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 10:13:14 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
(อกยฐ อส อกยฐ)
wildmetacirclejerk ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 04:00:55 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Zombie vegan bodybuilders brah
mighty1u2 ยท -6 points ยท Posted at 01:29:48 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
What do superficial zombies want? Loooks!
Hellsauce ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 04:53:22 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I'm not sure you understand how a play-on-words works.
Sorcyress ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 16:07:12 on February 27, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Screw the people downvoting you, this is awesome.
[deleted] ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 03:30:26 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
No just..no
[deleted] ยท 13 points ยท Posted at 22:16:38 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
What if they are scared of flying?
Traaaaaaiinssss
Meterus ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 01:51:41 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
What if they can't find anything to eat?
Complaaaaaaiinssss.
cynic79 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 00:52:44 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Automobiiiiiiles.
Blujay12 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 01:11:57 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
What do train operator zombies drive?
traaaaaaaaaaiiiiinnnns
ryanoftheshire ยท 10 points ยท Posted at 23:54:31 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
What do zombie builders use? Craaaaaanes
WholyFunny ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 01:37:40 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
What do zombie moms hate?
Staaaaaiiiiins...
[deleted] ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 02:06:08 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
What do Toto zombies love? Raaaaiiiinnns
Thanks. I'll show myself out.
zakriboss ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 01:32:37 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Sounds like they're heading to subway.
Zombies: Eat Flesh!
SmokinPolecat ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 09:22:15 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
What do dyslexic zombies eat?
Brians
nosurprises23 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 04:26:51 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Alright this one got me
floppytoes ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:37:57 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
What do zombie plumbers fix?
and i'll show myself out.
usthcd ยท 1781 points ยท Posted at 15:00:01 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
What has 8 legs and one eye?
Two chairs and half a fish.
bizitmap ยท 874 points ยท Posted at 19:23:30 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
This is like if a dada artist tried to make a joke
[deleted] ยท 423 points ยท Posted at 20:54:51 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
[deleted]
marmosetohmarmoset ยท 118 points ยท Posted at 02:18:34 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
What's the difference between a duck?
Neither because one leg is both the same.
Why is an orange?
A bicycle seat because a vest has no sleeves.
brilliantlyInsane ยท 14 points ยท Posted at 05:58:27 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Goats are like mushrooms, if you shoot a duck, I'm scared of toasters.
marmosetohmarmoset ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 13:57:20 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
NO. So true.
Kazaril ยท 7 points ยท Posted at 06:26:35 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
If it takes a man an hour to walk a mile, how long does it take a flea with a broken ankle to drag half a pound of treacle through the eye of a melting toothpick?
A banana this colour.
marmosetohmarmoset ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 14:00:41 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
No, a banana that color.
Baked_Bacon_420 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 02:55:21 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I dont get it.
marmosetohmarmoset ยท 15 points ยท Posted at 02:58:45 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Yes.
Baked_Bacon_420 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:02:49 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Anal fissure?
marmosetohmarmoset ยท 7 points ยท Posted at 03:07:06 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
No, armadillo balloon I think.
iliketobuildstuff74 ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 06:05:31 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Noodle dog flying shelf brain?
marmosetohmarmoset ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 14:02:05 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Yesterday.
Pinyaka ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:39:50 on July 25, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Congrats on your upcoming wedding (The orange/bicycle/vest joke made me wonder if I knew you when I was younger but after looking at your profile and seeing you in your wedding dress I realize that I don't. Your dress is beautiful btw).
marmosetohmarmoset ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 04:05:56 on July 25, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Thank you!
The joke is weirdly widespread apparently. Before Reddit I thought it was just something my weird mom made up to confuse me, but apparently it's a thing.
rabidsi ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 04:14:05 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Or a motorbike made of jealousy.
EsotericAlphanumeric ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:03:34 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Hi Noel Fielding of Buzzcocks and Boosh fame!
KoolerTheFirst ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 07:28:02 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
You've just summed up /r/AntiAntiJokes
3jt ยท -3 points ยท Posted at 02:37:08 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
FTFY
TheDroopy ยท 28 points ยท Posted at 22:05:28 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
/r/dadajokes
CrystalElyse ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:24:07 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Oh my god it's real. This is wonderful. Too bad there isn't an /r/surrealistjokes.
thatvoicewasreal ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 02:12:52 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
A Dada joke? That would be absurd.
Kandierter_Holzapfel ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 02:31:07 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Two submarines are flying through the desert, one loses a wheel. how many eggs are in the nest?
None, there are no bones in joghurt.
Thechris53 ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 21:32:53 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Or if a dadist tried to make anything really
[deleted] ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 01:04:36 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
[deleted]
reallivenerd ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:12:33 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I'm slow, I don't get it...
articulateantagonist ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 02:32:25 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Dada
centerflag982 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 01:49:43 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
/r/AntiAntiJokes
ShiftyMcShift ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 05:40:21 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
When is a dad joke like a dada joke?
Two chairs and half a fish.
ReginaPhilangee ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 01:23:10 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Defence against the dark arts?
JacquesPL1980 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:49:39 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Isn't all dada kinda of a joke?
CrystalElyse ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 03:27:35 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Actually, it was a statement against logic and intellectualism, which the members of the Dada movement believe led to/caused World War I. It was anti art.
Dada's weird. Then after the war, surrealism comes around and goes: "Hey, let's take those guy's ideas, and mix in some Freudian theories and LSD. This will be great." And then they did shit like automatic art and exquisite corpse poetry & art.
Art history is neat.
Problem119V-0800 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 21:29:24 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Ceci n'est pas une joke
cowboyecosse ยท 52 points ยท Posted at 23:01:35 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
What has 2 legs and bleeds a lot?
Half a dog.
huckler ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 23:28:19 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Well then.
[deleted] ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 01:46:10 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I've heard it as "what's brown and red and has two legs".
[deleted] ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 01:53:26 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
What's red and green and goes round and round really quickly?
A frog in a blender.
buttonbookworm ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:46:56 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
):
moonbleu ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:50:49 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
The morbid ones are my favorite.
What's black, white, and red all over?
a Nun with a javelin through her head
ktisis ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 04:03:35 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
What's black, white, red, and can't turn around in a narrow hallway?
fatdjsin ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 06:59:56 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
i laughed but this is not g rated
intensenerd ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:45:51 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Aw that reminds me of the time we saw a dog get split by a train.
Satans__Secretary ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:41:00 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Named Nina.
[deleted] ยท 10 points ยท Posted at 02:49:04 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
What has nine arms and sucks?
Def leopard.
OppositeofaCactus ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 05:26:12 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
My dad is gonna kick your ass
ktisis ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 04:04:23 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
What do you sit on, sleep on, and brush your teeth with?
A chair, a bed, and a toothbrush.
gredditors88 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 01:32:58 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Which reminds me of this surreal-style one:
Q: What's the difference between a crocodile? A: One eye is green and the other is also blue.
(I'll show myself out)
funkme1ster ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 22:01:55 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Oh my god, I'm fucking dying here...
Jesus man, that is too good. No sarcasm. It works on so many levels!
thepissednewt ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 05:28:11 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
What has 7 eyes but can't see?
Three blind mice and half a sheep's head.
[deleted] ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 16:17:40 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
hahahahaha
doubledongbot ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 23:53:33 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Mirror Mask called...
doubledongbot ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 23:54:18 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
What's green, hangs on the wall, and whistles?
milqi ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:03:17 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Reminds me of: How many surrealists does it take to screw in a light bulb? Fish
blore40 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:09:54 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Long John Spider?
3jt ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:35:17 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
OP's Mom
LinkRazr ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:35:58 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I don't know why, but I love this one.
Mediocretes1 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:56:44 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
What is big and white and if it falls out of a tree and lands on you could kill you? A refrigerator.
cihojuda ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 04:28:31 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.
Flatline_hun ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 14:21:39 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
What has two legs and lean to the left?
Half a pig.
hikehitcher91 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:30:00 on March 11, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
What is green and has four wheels?
Grass. I lied about the wheels
joehemith ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 03:57:58 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
What has two legs and bleeds alot?
Half a dog.
_PM_ME_TUITIONMONEY_ ยท -1 points ยท Posted at 22:58:50 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I actually laughed out loud at this one congrats
HEYdontIknowU ยท 1413 points ยท Posted at 14:52:08 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Why is a mexican midget called a "paragraph"?
He is too short to be an essay (esรฉ)?
Jacosion ยท 9 points ยท Posted at 01:20:35 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Ja ja ja ja ja
FILE_ID_DIZ ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:22:32 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
ayy
DukeReginald ยท 110 points ยท Posted at 15:40:55 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I just laughed while surrounded by strangers. Got looks.
HEYdontIknowU ยท 225 points ยท Posted at 16:06:38 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)*
Don't let the people judge you! My boss in the office put me on the spot at work one day and asked me to tell a joke and this is the one that came to mind. This is how it went:
I just died laughing when it happened, because I know why he stopped me, but the joke is very harmless and my mexican friends love it.
yaycoasttocoast ยท 34 points ยท Posted at 21:49:40 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
This sounds like Michael Scott in reverse.
HEYdontIknowU ยท 13 points ยท Posted at 22:02:34 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Yeah it does! Just replace Michael with me and Toby with my boss. Michael's joke would have been way more offensive though and it would have been a e-mail with jokes circulated by the "Cluck lux Clan". Must be some type of chicken luxury joke group.
FILE_ID_DIZ ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:19:59 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
UK version: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lOO0l2r3uJ4
NSFW btw
hilarymeggin ยท 7 points ยท Posted at 03:10:33 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)*
Will Farrell: Hey, funny man, tell me a joke! Andy: (casting about) How... do... African Americans... Will Farrell: Hang on, I'll be back in a minute. Darrel: Go ahead, Andy, finish your joke. How do African Americans? Andy: I don't know! Can you help me??
jdallen1222 ยท 12 points ยท Posted at 20:56:57 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Don't leave us hanging, I promise I cant fire you.
BrotherChe ยท 15 points ยท Posted at 02:07:08 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
GodlessPerson ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 02:31:55 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Interesting promise...
VHS_tape ยท 11 points ยท Posted at 02:13:05 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I'm at work and I laughed so obnoxiously hard at this joke, everyone around me, within a 5 mile radius, stopped what they were doing to look at me laugh to myself. I then preceded to shit and piss myself from the uncontrollable laughter. Everyone was still looking at me FYI. My boss then fired me because of my constant disruptive cackling and bowels movements similar to that of an undercooked chocolate lava cake from Chile's.
My wife soon left me, taking the kids with her. I was still laughing. Tears poured from my eyes. I couldn't feel them roll down my face as it was too numb from the profuse laughter. My voice began to hoarse. My abdominal muscles became hard as steel. Shit stained the carpet, and piss covered the house as if the walls were sweating. Folks gathered, from the four corners of the earth, to peer through my shit smeared windows to look. At me. Laughing. Out loud.
I somehow managed to grab my Ruger. I place it my mouth. It's polymer frame grinds against my teeth. I laugh, still, yet it's now only a soft wheeze. I lay in brown halo of my own shit, layered with a crusty film of piss. The stench is foul. People huddle around me, looking.
I pull the trigger.
Bright red blood pools out from the top end of my head along with some skull fragments and brain matter. It mixes with shit and piss about the floor. I'm still alive. For how long? I do not know. Yet, I still laugh. Yet, people still look.
What a funny joke.
FILE_ID_DIZ ยท 7 points ยท Posted at 03:22:14 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
jesus christ, dude
Relyk_Reppiks ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 23:34:47 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Thanks for the update
evictor ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 00:39:44 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
no accent on the last e there; just "ese"
zcbtjwj ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 01:00:24 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I know no spanish, ELI5?
HEYdontIknowU ยท 17 points ยท Posted at 01:20:58 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Ese is a used kind of how we would say "guy" or "dude".
Hey ese, how is it going?
Live_Think_Diagnosis ยท 7 points ยท Posted at 03:34:10 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
In what country? I've never heard that use in Venezuela.
Alarconadame ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 13:27:35 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Mexican here, it's used specially by middle to low class people, it started as a gang greeting. And if you're saying hi to a group of you should use the plural form "esos".
Live_Think_Diagnosis ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 15:59:01 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Wow, interesting, thank you, ese.
HEYdontIknowU ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 04:05:17 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I am not sure if it is exclusive to Mexico, but it may be.
zcbtjwj ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 01:24:18 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
cool
FILE_ID_DIZ ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:23:22 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
FTFY
[deleted] ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 02:25:33 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I had trouble repeating this to my husband because I was laughing so hard. Good job sir/madam.
sloth_jones ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 06:02:35 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I feel like an opportunity was missed on East Bound and Down not having Kenny make thus joke when shit talking with the Mexican midget.
Joald ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 11:58:11 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
My teacher asked me to turn in my essay, but I ain't no snitch.
totokekedile ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:58:41 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I believe the preferred term is dwarf.
DrAwesome3800 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 04:56:08 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Not G rated but.
Why was the Mexican teenager pregnant?
Her teacher told her to go home and do an essay
OrangeSail ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 06:57:50 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Can someone explain?
bachwiz18 ยท 411 points ยท Posted at 23:12:17 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
An elementary school teacher in Los Angeles asks her class who their favorite basketball team is. All the students say the Lakers, but one little girl says hers is the Warriors. "Why are you a Warriors fan?" the teacher asks. "Because my mom is a Warriors fan, and my dad is a Warriors fan!" the girl replies. The teacher says, "Well you shouldn't just follow what your parents think. What if your mom was a moron and your dad was a moron?" The girl says, "Then I'd be a Lakers fan!"
Lettershort ยท 24 points ยท Posted at 02:44:23 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
The teacher is clearly the moron. She failed to use the subjunctive.
Semplu ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 06:34:26 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Wered
jumjimbo ยท 7 points ยท Posted at 01:53:32 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Curry's on fire this year.
DrAwesome3800 ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 05:02:39 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Would have been.more realistic if the kid just said bandwagon
eternally-curious ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 02:18:47 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Rekt
the_pinguin ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 06:05:32 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Send the Lakers back to Minneapolis.
Fatkuh ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 13:58:06 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I've seen this joke acted out as half time comedy in a rivalling match of 2 german soccer teams. Just priceless
Dastardlydoom ยท 483 points ยท Posted at 15:24:02 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
What do you call a fake noodle? An impasta
Nmaka ยท 24 points ยท Posted at 00:35:03 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
My mom said I couldn't make a car out of fusilli. You shoulda seen her face as I drove pasta
Shazamo_ ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 13:47:46 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Is that a lyric?
Dastardlydoom ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:39:11 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
LOL love it ๐๐
julio_primero ยท 240 points ยท Posted at 15:01:08 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
-Why DIDN'T the skeleton cross the road?
-He didn't have any guts!
[deleted] ยท 35 points ยท Posted at 15:41:20 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Why was the skeleton feeling sad?
Because he had nobody to play with.
trustworthysauce ยท 22 points ยท Posted at 20:36:43 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
for clarification: because he had no body to play with.
Mage_of_Shadows ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 02:37:26 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I am sure everyone was thinking something different ( อกยฐ อส อกยฐ)
InfectedP0tato ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 04:32:46 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Skeletons don't have penises but have boners, hence the name. /r/shittyaskscience
Ganglio_Side ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 01:26:43 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Skeleton walks into a bar. He says to the bartender "I'll have a beer...and a mop."
jaypenn3 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 01:39:00 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Well at least he has his trumpet.
Scherzkeks ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 04:14:35 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Doot doot
Wierd657 ยท -4 points ยท Posted at 22:26:18 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Keep it PG boy
[deleted] ยท 8 points ยท Posted at 00:27:54 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
why did Adele crosss the road.
To say hello to the other side.
thebigbadben ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 01:34:01 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
NYEH HEH HEH
WholyFunny ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 01:38:45 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
A skeleton walks into a bar and says to the bartender, "I'll have a beer and a mop."
SuperActionHero ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 04:49:40 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Sans is that you
evictor ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 00:45:15 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
2spoopy4me
Clowntown_Burner ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 18:02:28 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
What does a skeleton tile his roof with?
Shin-gles!
hometowngypsy ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:35:18 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
-Why did the chicken cross the road?
-To show the armadillo it could be done.
ramblingnonsense ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:24:44 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Did you get this from the Real Ghostbusters coloring book?
alshabbabi ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 04:14:13 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
For clarification : DIDN'T, not DID
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 13:09:09 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
That's one of the few jokes here so far, that are actually adoptable into the german language.
udders ยท 457 points ยท Posted at 00:16:47 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)*
Actually just heard this one yesterday:
What's the difference between Dubai and Abu Dhabi? The people in Dubai don't watch The Flintstones, but the people in ABU DHABI DO!
Edit: fixed spelling of Abu Dhabi
Ecpie ยท 23 points ยท Posted at 03:06:21 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I told this to my kids. They laughed their asses off, but because they heard the word "doo". All this great material is wasted on them.
furlonium ยท 7 points ยท Posted at 02:28:49 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Second one to make me lol
raging_homosapien ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 03:41:20 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Was the first one the Beethoven one?
furlonium ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:55:45 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
No but funny enough I told that joke to my wife earlier today.
Pierresauce ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 04:49:59 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Me too
NortonPike ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 10:00:35 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
"Abu Dhabi"
udders ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 22:56:12 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Thank you. I had a feeling I was spelling it wrong.
Fatkuh ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 13:46:38 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Ah the girl's laugh is sooo refreshing
pcspain ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:44:06 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
First one I read in the whole thread that made me laugh. Thank you!
whatevermanwhatever ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 06:28:00 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Actually laughed at this one
fizikz3 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 08:25:03 on February 14, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
https://www.reddit.com/r/videos/comments/453m59/dad_joke_level_5000/
someone is telling you reddit jokes
iknowdanjones ยท 48 points ยท Posted at 02:34:06 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
A woman pregnant with twins gets in a car wreck and falls in a coma. She wakes up weeks later and the nurse informs her that they were able to save the babies, and that they were named and being kept by her brother.
"Oh no!" The mother cries. "My brother is an idiot. He probably gave them awful names!"
The brother shows up hours later with the babies. First he hands her the girl and says "this is Denise."
"Oh thank goodness. Denise is a lovely name. What did you name the boy?" She asked.
He responded "Denephew".
Jaicobb ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 02:31:40 on August 8, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I'm late to this, but must respond.
One of my college roommates went to New Orleans for a missionary trip. He met a lady who named her children Dedwasha and Dedwya. She was nice, but he said she was dumber than a rock and reinforced a lot of negative stereotypes.
Anyways, it wasn't until he returned home that it hit him that the Mom named her kids after The Washer and The Dryer.
rich815 ยท 359 points ยท Posted at 14:53:40 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Why don't cannibals eat clowns? They taste funny.
F0RGERY ยท 448 points ยท Posted at 18:02:25 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I knew a priest who went to south america to try and convert a tribe of cannibals. It was the tribe's first taste of religion.
[deleted] ยท 16 points ยท Posted at 00:42:49 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
What did the cannibal's wife say when he came home late for dinner?
Nothing, she gave him the cold shoulder.
zimmsreddit ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 23:56:32 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
This was the first joke in the thread that made me laugh aloud...what does that say about me?
F0RGERY ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 00:20:03 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Nothing. It just shows that my joke was well pun.
ameristraliacitizen ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 03:31:00 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
But in all seriousness a man was killed
[deleted] ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 05:28:51 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Then the cannibals vomited, because you can't keep a good man down.
bigfartcat ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 13:45:01 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
What happened when the priest met with the canibols? He gave them a taste of religion.
peteanrepeat ยท 11 points ยท Posted at 20:35:07 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Two cannibals are eating a clown. One looks to the other and asks, "Does this taste funny to you?"
Mmedical ยท 7 points ยท Posted at 21:02:42 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Why don't cannibals eat those who are recently divorced? Too bitter.
cranktheguy ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 01:38:14 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Did you hear about the cannibal that dumped his girlfriend?
lagerbaer ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 23:29:33 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
What does a cannibal get when he's late for dinner? The cold shoulder.
Astronautspiff ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 23:38:03 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
What did the cannibal do when he dumped his girlfriend?
He wiped his ass clean
ALLSTARTRIPOD ยท 1441 points ยท Posted at 14:55:09 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
What's brown and sticky?
A stick.
PKMNtrainerKing ยท 1060 points ยท Posted at 14:58:15 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I was gonna say ihop tables but alright
[deleted] ยท 793 points ยท Posted at 16:22:25 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)*
[deleted]
okcukv ยท 446 points ยท Posted at 19:45:02 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Why does Snoop Dogg carry an umbrella?
Fo' drizzle.
andthenifound5dollas ยท 157 points ยท Posted at 21:05:19 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
What does Snoop Dogg wash his whites in?
Bleeotch.
kcDemonSlayer ยท 13 points ยท Posted at 01:34:58 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
What does a gay horse eat?
Haaaaaaaaaay (embellish it with hand gestures)
you_got_fragged ยท 10 points ยท Posted at 04:48:19 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Bob: what does a gay horse eat?
John: HAAA-
Bob: Horse cock.
8bitslime ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 03:49:59 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
What does an alien horse say?
Hay Lmao
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:03:07 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
<3
gn0xious ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 03:37:26 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Why does Snoop Dogg order fajitas?
Fo'sizzle
ihateradiohead ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 00:54:41 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
THAT'S NOT PG
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:51:53 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
This is the first one that made me laugh.
strykazoid ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:14:37 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Lost myself at this point and busted up laughing.
Ak47owner ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:43:55 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
What kind of clothes do Snoop Dogg's kids wear?
Oshkosh B'otch
Pilltacular ยท -1 points ยท Posted at 22:29:29 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Kendrick Lamar brings dip to your party and puts it in ya dishhh
hairetikos ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 02:51:23 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I too watched Hank Green's 50 jokes in 4 minutes videos.
[deleted] ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 01:50:27 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
https://www.reddit.com/r/IAmA/comments/14cb0c/im_snoop_lion_ask_me_anything/c7bxi2z
okcukv ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 08:58:11 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Oh shit! That is the most amazing thing I have ever seen!
DulceyDooner ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:22:05 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Except he actually learned the joke in an AMA. His original answer: https://www.reddit.com/r/IAmA/comments/14cb0c/im_snoop_lion_ask_me_anything/c7brpme
vaughnny ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 03:21:21 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Why does Snoop wear a condom?
Fo' jizzle
BillyQuan ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:09:09 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Why did Snoop have the frying pan?
Fo' sizzle!
NickEggplant ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 06:19:34 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I feel like every joke in this comment thread was taken from Hank Green's 50 jokes video
Salvationunending ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 18:02:55 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
That's my favorite joke of all time
[deleted] ยท 10 points ยท Posted at 18:39:32 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Oh man, I forgot about Dre
updn ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 19:33:16 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Nowadays everybody wants to talk like they got something to say
ColonelWetEars ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:38:39 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
But nothing comes out when they move their lips.
elude_stalwart ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 21:46:25 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
"Just a bunch of gibber-blahgagarufturgahhhh!"
Ravastrix ยท -1 points ยท Posted at 21:00:49 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
k
Gorstag ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:47:14 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
While I have heard this one countless times it is still a very well thought out joke that gives me a chuckle.
Pork_Chap ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 20:59:53 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
This is my all time favorite joke. Thank you!
McChicken1k99 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 22:11:47 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Poop
Padexin ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 22:31:26 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
This one is my favorite one ever
cranphi ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 00:27:32 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Instead of giving you gold I am going to go buy myself a french dip sandwich but thanks for that laugh.
degjo ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 01:22:44 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I haven't been to ihop in quite some time. I think I know where I'm going on my next date.
nueroatypical ยท 271 points ยท Posted at 16:56:17 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
What's brown and runny?
Usain Bolt
alaricus ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 01:02:40 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Whats brown and rhymes with "snoop?"
Dr. Dre.
g33kdad95330 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 22:58:44 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
First actual, out-loud laugh of the thread. Thank you!
ktisis ยท 87 points ยท Posted at 18:56:01 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
What's brown and sounds like a bell?
DUNGGGG!
Waitwtfisthis ยท 9 points ยท Posted at 01:34:09 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
YOU! YOU!! I LASTED SOO LONG WITHOUT LAUGHING!!!
Nerdwiththehat ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 01:57:31 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Ahhhhhhh shit I thought I was original. Proves what scrolling down'll do to ya!
Fliffs ยท 9 points ยท Posted at 23:41:27 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
What's a foot long and slippery?
A slipper
MHG73 ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 00:57:14 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
What's blue and smells like red paint?
Blue paint.
deeperest ยท 7 points ยท Posted at 19:53:48 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
FOLLOW UP REQUIRED BY LAW:
What's brown and runny?
Usain Bolt.
Nerdwiththehat ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 01:56:50 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
What's brown, and sounds like a bell?
Dung.
nvaus ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 04:11:13 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
What's a foot long and slippery?
.
.
.
.
.
.
A slipper.
Itchy_Back ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 05:27:22 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
What's red and sticky?
That same bloody stick.
dizyalice ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 22:16:00 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I posted this on another askreddit and got downvoted. Fuck you reddit
Exit9DarkNight ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 23:34:02 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I'll down vote him! And up vote you...there there lil buddie...it'll be ok!
MpegEVIL ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 20:34:47 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Dr. Dre
rngisforfailures ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 23:55:16 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Rices.
milqi ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:01:36 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Took a while, but this is the one that made me laugh.
Subarashi-san ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:43:13 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
What's green and leafy?
A leaf.
nutmegster ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:20:06 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
My beyonce calendar.
lupis99 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:30:12 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
And the follow up... What's pink and slippery? A slipper. Badum-tish
3jt ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:34:50 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Movie theater carpet where people spill soda. And chocolate. Melted chocolate
Skirtz ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 06:32:44 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
What do you call a twig in a German forest? A schtick.
What do you call a boomerang that doesn't come back when you throw it? A stick.
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 14:49:07 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
What's brown and rhymes with Snoop?
Dr. Dre
unique_pervert ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:13:04 on February 14, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Sticky brown rice
OD_Emperor ยท -1 points ยท Posted at 17:16:14 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Poop?
CircuitWitch_ ยท 374 points ยท Posted at 21:00:34 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Knock knock.
Who's there?
Europe.
Europe who?
NO UR A POO!
antjelly ยท 27 points ยท Posted at 03:49:16 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Reminds me of this one:
Knock knock
Who's there?
I eat mop
I eat mop who?
Haha you eat your poo
awoelt ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 07:46:18 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
My mother is a poo and this offends me. Take this comment down immediately.
SayGdayToBruceBruce ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 08:09:46 on February 18, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Captain Underpants had a similar gem that became my childhood social currency:
Knock knock
Who's there?
Olive Toop
Olvie Toop who?
Me too but I'm not bragging about it!
Edit: spacing derp
Shamic ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 09:45:52 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
maybe it should me map.
I eat MAH poo
I eat MOH poo.
just sounds a bit better imo
CircuitWitch_ ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:29:56 on February 14, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Honestly this is the best follow up joke.
lionson76 ยท 8 points ยท Posted at 04:16:21 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
"I have a fantastic knock knock joke, but you have to start it..."
"Okay. Knock knock."
"Who's there?"
"Um..."
Ironcymru ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 07:42:19 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I've got some people with this. It is great with a group of friends
misterpimm ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 09:28:06 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Better if you respond to "Knock knock." with "Come on in!"
misterpimm ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 09:29:17 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
orrrrr "Fedex." responded with "Fedex who?" responded with "Fedex. We have a package that requires your signature."
[deleted] ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 02:01:10 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
What's the longest rope in the world?
Europe.
musicninja91 ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 02:57:51 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)*
What do you call a man running to the bathroom? Russhin!
What do you call that man once he reaches the bathroom? Your-a-Peein!
And what do you call him once he's done? Finnish!
IAMA_dragon-AMA ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 04:20:31 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I've always heard it like this:
ASoupDuck ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 05:04:43 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
This is my favourite in the thread.
OrangeSail ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 07:03:06 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
If you're American when you go into the bathroom and American when you come out of the bathroom, what are you in between?
European (you're a peeing)
[deleted] ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 13:39:41 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Woah, OP said appropriate jokes
Twitchy_throttle ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 07:52:58 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Hey, I got a great knock knock joke for you. Say "knock, knock."
Okay. Knock knock.
Who's there?
....
someonethatiusedtobe ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 11:35:57 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
You're a towel!!
pavel_lishin ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 11:25:02 on February 18, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Heard this one on QI:
[deleted] ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 02:49:06 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Oi ro pa
thecoop21 ยท 130 points ยท Posted at 00:09:45 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
"Wanna hear one long joke and and two short jokes?"
"JJJJJJOOOOOOOOOOOOOOKKKKEEEE, Joke Joke."
It's definitely a joke more for the teller than the reciever. But kids love it.
sternail ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 11:19:08 on April 22, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Yeah, just kids... Hihi.
MaMaJillianLeanna ยท 3002 points ยท Posted at 15:17:17 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)*
Mr. Smith, a very wealthy man, is in town on business and towards the end of his trip he decides to take a walk on the docks and take in the ocean view.
As he's walking he comes up on a young boy, maybe 12 years old, crying on the edge of the dock. Mr. Smith hesitates but decides to ask what's wrong.
"Excuse me, Son? Why are you crying?" He asks gently.
The boy wipes away his tears and replies, "Oh, there's just a lot of things going wrong in my life right now. I'm sorry if I bothered you."
Mr. Smith takes note of the boy's politeness, "Is there anything I can do to help? Why don't you tell me what's going on..."
With that the boy breaks down and sobs. He starts going on and on about his troubles. His mother is dying of cancer and can't work. They can't afford the medicine to manage her symptoms. They haven't eaten in days. Not even an hour ago the boy had been caught dumpster diving behind a restaurant for food and was caned by the owner. He tried to go home to his mother but when he got there he saw an eviction notice on the door and he just couldn't bring himself to go inside and give her the news. Everything was just falling apart and he couldn't take it. "So I came here and just cried," he finished.
Mr. Smith was shocked. Of all the people he could have encountered he encountered this boy. He could solve this boy's problems with a single check. But Mr. Smith was a firm believer in earning what you got no matter what it was. As the boy continued to cry, Mr. Smith looked out to the water...
"Son," Mr. Smith began, "What's your name?"
"My name is Johnny." The boy said.
"Johnny, you see that ship out there," he said gesturing to a ship about a mile out from the dock, "I'll make you a deal. If you can swim out to that ship, climb up the mast and wave to me I will write you a check for one million dollars."
Johnny was awestruck. "You really mean it?"
"Absolutely." Mr. Smith confirmed.
Johnny dove into the water without a word and swam like a madman. Mr. Smith watched with a smile on his face but his smile faded when Johnny turned around and came back. When Johnny reached the dock he explained he got too tired too quickly and knew he wouldn't make it.
"Well that's ok, Johnny. Tomorrow let's meet here, same time, and you can try again."
The next day they met and Johnny tried but once again he got fatigued and had to turn back. Mr. Smith asked him if he'd eaten anything and Johnny told him he hadn't. With that, Mr. Smith gave him some money for a small meal and told him tomorrow was his last day in town so if he was going to succeed it had to be then.
The next day Mr. Smith arrived and Johnny was waiting at the dock with a smile on his face. "You all fed and ready?" Mr. Smith asked.
"Yes, Sir" said Johnny. And Johnny dove into the water. This time he was swimming a bit slower. He seemed to be pacing himself.
Mr. Smith watched Johnny get further and further and his smile grew and grew. What a perfect end to a perfect trip. He was going to make a difference in this boy's life.
Johnny made it to the ship. Mr. Smith watched him climb up the mast. Johnny held on with one hand and reached the other out and started to wave victoriously but suddenly he lost his grip! Johnny slipped and fell from the top of the mast all the way down to the ship below with a loud thud that echoed in the distance...
But Johnny was ok, know why?
...
...
...
...
...
He was used to hardships.
Edit: Thanks for the gold.
CuteThingsAndLove ยท 577 points ยท Posted at 15:48:30 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I thought this was going to end with the ship turning out to be coming closer and closer every day so it was easier for the boy to swim to it.
Paleomedicine ยท 668 points ยท Posted at 17:31:22 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I thought it was going to end with the loch ness monster.
BaconBazinga ยท 64 points ยท Posted at 20:19:56 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Nah, didn't mention tree-fiddy.
HEYdontIknowU ยท 27 points ยท Posted at 21:04:20 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
They never do until it's too late.
rugmunchkin ยท 10 points ยท Posted at 21:14:55 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
And thus it didn't end with the loch ness monster.
ruhbluhbluh ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 03:03:27 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Username checks o... Hey wait a minute, that ain't no medicine, that's that gawd damned loch ness monsta!
roffler ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 03:51:33 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Reminds me of that short story that I had to read a few years ago. I can't remember the name, maybe someone else will remember (wish I did, it was good). But it was about this kid who loves the idea of sailing because his father is a sailor. One day, the dad takes the kid sailing with him and the kid notices something funky off in the distance. Like something swimming towards the ship. He asks his dad what it is, and his dad can't even see it. Curious, his dad asks the rest of the crew if they see it. No one other than the kid, who insists that it's there, can see it. After realizing what is happening, they rush back to shore. The father says to the kid that he can never go back to the sea again. Because that's a monster (or something) that the kid sees. Only people who the monster is going to kill can see the monster. So for the rest of his life, the kid avoids the sea. He actually starts a very successful (land based) trading company. He creates a large fortune for him and his family, but still, he yearns for the sea. He walks on the beach every day and he can still see it off in the distance, and still no one can see it but him. Eventually, as the kid reaches his old age, he decides that it's time to die, and he wants to die doing what he loves. So he goes out to sail for one last time and he watches as the thing approaches. Eventually the thing gets to him, and instead of brutally murdering him, simply says to him "Hey, can I have about tree fiddy?"
[deleted] ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 21:01:14 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I thought it was going to end with Johnny's death.
tehaxor ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 03:20:04 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
If he offered the boy $3.50 it would have been obvious.
superx76 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 06:00:14 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
What about $3,500,000?
thatwasnotkawaii ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 20:45:49 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I thought it would end with the loch ness monster taking my tree fiddy
fuk-dee-say ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:15:40 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I need about tree fidy
VioletOwls ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:44:01 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
In a way, how did it not?
nash_the_slashed ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:42:13 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Then Johnny would have got tree-fitty.
jaxxon ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 06:00:15 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Tree fiddy.
52ndstreet ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 08:43:32 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Tree fiddy
mastermariner ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 11:58:54 on February 14, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
i scrolled to the end to make sure it didnt
CyberneticPanda ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 23:36:18 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
It always ends with the loch ness monster.
idonthavekarma ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 20:51:55 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I'm not sure I understand how it would be a joke with that ending...
nalydpsycho ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 02:41:32 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I was expecting that if he was given a million dollars, he would draw a check mark.
hipposlut ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:01:20 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
When u tell it, tell it like that...
Boombollie ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 04:52:14 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I never thought it was going to end.
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 06:55:05 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
If you think this has a happy ending, you haven't been paying attention.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FT4_Fefew78
Wherearemylegs ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 08:21:50 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I thought that Johnny was going to become better and better until he became a long distance swimmer and won at the Olympics or something.
ilinamorato ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 13:45:45 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I thought it was going to end with the kid stealing the boat.
screw_all_the_names ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 13:56:57 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I thought the opposite, I thought Johnny would make it to the ship, and on the way back would drown, ending his sorrows.
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:03:56 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I thought it was going to end with him not reaching it every day but still getting money for food every day so he would keep at it half-assedly for the meal ticket.
[deleted] ยท 250 points ยท Posted at 19:16:41 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Christ
lemlemons ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 03:11:48 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
he's busy, may i help you?
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 04:44:30 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Underrated joke
Aksi_Gu ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 12:13:17 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
That's brilliant XD
Jellooooo ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 06:43:58 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
No, he was crucified.
DoserMcMoMo ยท 43 points ยท Posted at 00:29:26 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I.... I can't comprehend the mutiple levels of this joke. With the setup, it's almost anecdotal, and you're expecting a conclusion to the story. But half of the joke is that it's just a bad pun. The other half of the joke is that it's just a bad pun. I've never felt like this after a joke before.
So congratulations or something, I need to go figure out what to do with my life now.
eternally-curious ยท 23 points ยท Posted at 02:05:46 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
You'll love this.
[deleted] ยท 16 points ยท Posted at 02:06:19 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
No.
[deleted] ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 06:05:04 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)*
[removed]
donttrackmedown ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 08:01:20 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Confirmation bias
PAxlFitz ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 22:58:27 on February 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Dude, fucking loved that shit. thanks
Sock_Ninja ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 06:20:51 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Here ya go.
Naughty_Poptart ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 06:47:38 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
That was incredible
jamesandlily_forever ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 12:46:20 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Holy. Shit.
Sock_Ninja ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 06:19:33 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
This is the best.
Semplu ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 06:22:46 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I feel you, i was led to believe there'd be more.. and there was not.. and so now I must question all things to which I thought had more to come..
jamesandlily_forever ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 12:45:40 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
It made the pun at the end even better.
stickwithplanb ยท 75 points ยท Posted at 18:12:14 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I love this one. My friend tells it a bit differently though. It's about a boy named Rodney and he's rough and tough and used to hardships. So it goes on about his life and the awful stuff that happens and ends with him falling onto the boat. It can be really embellished if you do it this way.
blay12 ยท 14 points ยท Posted at 01:13:30 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Jokes that can be "embellished" to fill any time frame you need them to are great for annoying people on long car/bus/plane rides! I've picked up a few great ones, but I think that the most people are familiar with the ping pong ball story. Stretched that one out to nearly 2 hours once, it was actually a pretty good story!
centerflag982 ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 01:45:51 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
That fucking story, heh.
I think my favorite is the one with the talking snake
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:13:07 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
[deleted]
centerflag982 ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 02:53:49 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Why's that?
rickalt ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:14:41 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I'm guessing the pronunciation of "lever" is to blame.
centerflag982 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:25:21 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Ah, alright. Didn't even think about that
igloojoe ยท 8 points ยท Posted at 00:01:40 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I've heard this one before. The guy telling the joke said it different. He probably wasted a full hour expanding the joke to finally get to the punchline. Definitely one of my favorite time wasters now when people have nothing to do.
narrowcock ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 01:05:52 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
That was the mast intensely written letdown in the history of jokes.
darafeth ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 23:40:54 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I literally just had to set my phone down and stare at the wall for a couple of minutes.
apple_kicks ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 23:06:20 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I just did a slow clap to an empty room
NeetoPp ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 00:32:48 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
So Johnny died, his mother probably died on the streets and Mr fucking Smith just made the boy kill himself. Great story 10/10 would see a movie about it.
JohnFest ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 06:10:17 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
It would get nominated for an Oscar.
wolfgeist ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 08:30:30 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
As long as the actors are white.
pockoman ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 20:16:41 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I want a heart-touching novel about this boys struggles that ends with this.
bp92009 ยท 11 points ยท Posted at 01:30:16 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
One of the best Writing Prompt responses that i've seen in awhile may fit here.
Prompt: Create the biggest, most unpredictable plot twist you could make in a story.
Credit goes to Penguin_Out_Of_A_Zoo Link
apologeticPalpatine ยท 9 points ยท Posted at 17:34:56 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
That was fantastic. And what an unexpected ending. 5/7
KHHAAAAAAANNN ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 23:41:24 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
A perfect score.
apologeticPalpatine ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:21:03 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
My thoughts exactly
Grayslake_Gisox ยท -2 points ยท Posted at 21:15:10 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
10/10 with rice
fluffypandatits ยท -6 points ยท Posted at 20:18:02 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
10/10 with rice!
NovSnowman ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 21:11:31 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Can this be identified as a shaggy dog story?
Colopty ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 22:28:29 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
No, it's stated that he was ok in the end so presumably he got to cash in on the rich man's challenge.
InjuredGingerAvenger ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 22:35:48 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
No, this story builds up to the punchline it just builds anticipation.
The point of a shaggy dog story is that humor comes in wasting your time. They either have no punchline or the context for the punchline was given immediately then followed by a lot of context that isn't relevant.
In this case, the two parts of the story built up to the punchline. Each part (experiencing hardships and falling to the hard ship) existed to give the punchline the double meaning.
hilarymeggin ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:59:13 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
So many loose ends.
ameristraliacitizen ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:13:33 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
... Motherfucker
glisp42 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:42:56 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
This is the type of joke you tell and run.
Joseph_LP ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 04:01:00 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
God, that was not worth it.
RichardMcNixon ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:50:51 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
wow that's great... there's Dad jokes and there's Grand-dad jokes. This is a grand-dad joke. Well done sir.
TitaniumDragon ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:52:45 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I love feghoots.
kday12 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:56:18 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Is double facepalming a thing?
Ilikebigmacs ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 06:06:11 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I hate you.
CrazyTreePeople ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 06:24:46 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Mr. Smith is a MURDER
Doktor_Jensen ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 07:06:58 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Using mobile to save.
Just ignore this I guess...
Or don't, I'm powerless to stop you.
FridgeFather ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 22:58:30 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I was getting really into the story when suddenly it ended in the worst fucking pun ever
But that's okay
bozokeating ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 23:23:49 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I love these jokes.
Here's a somewhat similar one https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/2thg42/a_teenage_boy_is_getting_ready_to_take_his/
Kogknight ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 23:19:34 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Best Dad Joke 2016!
oopewan ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 00:27:55 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Word for word the biggest waste of time I've ever read.
whiskytango74 ยท 39 points ยท Posted at 21:21:23 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
What do you get when you don't pay your exorcist? Repossessed!
trollshand ยท 350 points ยท Posted at 17:03:11 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Why did the cowboy get a wiener dog?
He got tired of everyone saying, "git a long little doggy."
chuckDontSurf ยท 9 points ยท Posted at 02:35:53 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I just have to say that I really love this thread.
I_too_amawoman ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 03:39:17 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
This is the first one I lol'd at
Alanuskus ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 23:49:35 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
ELI5?
Edit: Never mind, I thought it said clown.
Papajon87 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 02:03:03 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Ok I don't get it.
Crowlad ยท 8 points ยท Posted at 03:08:19 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
This is the reference. Since then, the phrase "git along, little doggies" is sort of associated with old west cowboys in popular culture.
fireork12 ยท -2 points ยท Posted at 04:31:11 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Iridium777 ยท 150 points ยท Posted at 23:12:14 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Why aren't there seagulls that fly over bays?
If they did they would be bagels.
ramblingnonsense ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:27:33 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Shut up, Brak.
TheLastInventor ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:54:56 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Hey! Why were the little strawberries so upset?
ramblingnonsense ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 04:06:57 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
long-suffering sigh
Because they were in a jam.
TheLastInventor ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 04:23:27 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Nooo! Because they were in a--! Oh. You heard it.
green_herring ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 04:04:17 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
What do you call bagels that can fly?
Plane bagels.
IAMA_dragon-AMA ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 04:24:54 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Why are bagels good at breaking into homes?
They're great with lox.
sHockz ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 07:33:29 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
https://www.reddit.com/r/HeyCarl/comments/45ja15/bagels/
[deleted] ยท 168 points ยท Posted at 19:44:42 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
[deleted]
nosneros ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 03:30:55 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
You can if you have good whale power.
Sportsnut19 ยท 38 points ยท Posted at 23:29:32 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
How many kids with ADD does it take to change a light bulb?
Let's go ride bikes
peteanrepeat ยท 177 points ยท Posted at 20:39:00 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
A blonde is driving a bit too fast, and is pulled over by a blonde cop. The blonde cop says "let me see your driver's license". The blonde driver starts fumbling through her overstuffed purse, but can't seem to find her license.
The cop says "c'mon, it can't be that hard to find. It's rectangular and has your picture on it." The blonde driver continues rifling through the purse, and finally feels the only rectangular object in her purse: a small mirror. She looks at it, sees herself, shrugs and hands it to the cop.
The blonde cop takes one look and says "why didn't you tell me you're a cop? Have a nice day.
Themalelatias ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 18:10:39 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
i'm offensive and i find this blonde.
...ah crap
[deleted] ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 04:45:32 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Only joke in this thread that cracked me up irl.
bc2zb ยท 155 points ยท Posted at 19:17:06 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Allegedly also the funniest joke in the world as well.
Two men are hunting in the woods, a deer crosses their path and in the ensuing confusion, one hunter shoots the other with his gun. The shot man drops to the ground silent and appears to be near death. The shooter calls 911 and tells the operator, "Help, I think I just killed my friend!"
The 911 operator replies, "Ok sir, first things first, let's make sure your friend is dead."
The shooter replies, "Hang on a second". The sound of a gunshot can be heard by the operator. The man returns to the phone and replies, "Alright, now what?"
actual_factual_bear ยท 13 points ยท Posted at 03:36:06 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
And the name of that man? Dick Cheney.
voidsoul22 ยท -1 points ยท Posted at 05:24:43 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Like Dick has the balls to actually kill anyone himself
Fuck_You_I_Downvote ยท 99 points ยท Posted at 20:30:28 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
What's the difference between a hippo and a zippo?
One is really heavy, and the other is a little lighter...
Eorily ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 07:38:47 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Someone reposted this on the same thread 3 hours after you. but piggybacked on an unrelated joke. They got so much more fake points.
Fuck_You_I_Downvote ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 08:18:01 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
How rude!
Navel_Linty ยท 648 points ยท Posted at 15:18:42 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Why did Sally fall off the swing.
Because she had no arms.
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Not Sally.
FlamboyantSquid ยท 36 points ยท Posted at 22:08:35 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Where did Sally go after the bombing? Everywhere.
2056163 ยท 15 points ยท Posted at 01:21:55 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Who's there? Sally with a headache.
jackzander ยท 13 points ยท Posted at 01:46:55 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Why did Billy drop his ice cream?
He was hit by a truck.
Why didn't the truck stop?
Sally was driving.
setfire3 ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 05:01:12 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
knock knock.
who's there?
not billy
bythetuskofnarwhal ยท 8 points ยท Posted at 02:53:02 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
why did sally fall off the swing
she had no arms
why didn't sally get back up
she had no legs
why didn't anyone help sally
she has no friends
knock knock
who's there
not sally
thebigbadben ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 01:35:18 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
What did Sally get for Christmas?
Cancer.
[deleted] ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 17:23:51 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Just kidding, she is still trying to open her presents.
Joe_Baker_bakealot ยท 7 points ยท Posted at 00:17:05 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Is that really G-rated though?
Navel_Linty ยท 19 points ยท Posted at 00:43:59 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Bambi was G rated and look how that turned out
tehlaser ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 01:56:31 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
So was The Andromeda Strain.
Navel_Linty ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:12:42 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
One of my favorite movies. When they have the thing up on the screen and it moves....sends my colon into seizures every damn time.
setfire3 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:01:44 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
i feel that we can use this as an excuse for a lot of things
Maoman1 ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 01:31:35 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I've got a great knock-knock joke. You start it.
[deleted] ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 02:56:36 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)*
[deleted]
Maoman1 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 03:31:31 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
lol who's there?
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:33:11 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)*
[deleted]
Maoman1 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:34:08 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Canoe who? (no fair! The joke is they stumble over themselves from getting suddenly reversed like that)
glisp42 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 03:51:44 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
This is a great one to get little kids with.
TheWierdAsianKid ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 01:30:57 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
That's more of an anti-joke. also she could know with her head or feet.
ForGifteN ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 17:43:29 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I got to knock knock and then my friend starting laughing and said fuck you :(
MagnusT ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 18:18:26 on February 18, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Not Sally, who?
Navel_Linty ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 18:39:09 on February 18, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Reminds me of a classic:
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Apple
Apple who?
Knock Knock
Who's there
Apple
Apple who?
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Orange
Orange who?
Orange you glad I didn't say apple?
Abra_Kebabra ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 02:22:18 on February 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I usually add in "Why didn't Sally get back on the swing? 'Cause she has no legs."
pardon_the_mess ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 23:50:20 on April 25, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I admit I laughed a little too hard at this.
Jenicsaco ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 21:46:47 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
This was the first to make me laugh out loud. Thanks!
TheDerpySpoon ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:26:25 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Why did Sally drop her icecream? Because she was hit by a bus.
Singel48 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:27:24 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Why was the boy sad?
Because he had a frog stapled to his face
KeijyMaeda ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:12:30 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Not Sally who?
DragonEXtwo ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 04:01:34 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
don't think that's g-rated
Navel_Linty ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 04:24:43 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I would suggest you familiarize yourself with MPAA rules pertaining to classification of film content, particularly page 9.
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 04:19:16 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
quint whamp
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 04:50:38 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
/r/antijokes
zotofkithairon ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 09:45:46 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Lol, I feel this joke could be the best if really oversold with the delivery.
BackToHauntURaz ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 21:48:12 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Savage
TheAwesomeRedhead ยท 32 points ยท Posted at 02:56:46 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
And the Lord said unto John, "Come forth and receive eternal life". But John came fifth...and won a toaster...
FlyingToaster95 ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 07:29:53 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Good thing I was the second place prize.
[deleted] ยท 163 points ยท Posted at 14:53:16 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
What did the sea say to the sand.. nothing it just waved.
Epicurus1 ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 22:41:03 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Why doesn't the land like the water? The sea weed on the shore.
[deleted] ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 07:21:08 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I bet the sea is just salty because the land doesn't wave back.
Dovahkoen ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 19:49:42 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I sea what you did there
SecretAgendaMan ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:17:02 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
relevant youtube video
Zed_ate_my_sled ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:36:32 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I don't like sand. It's all course and rough
[deleted] ยท -1 points ยท Posted at 19:44:32 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
HA
PaulsRedditUsername ยท 60 points ยท Posted at 01:19:51 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
I eat mop.
I eat mop who?
Haha! You eat your poo!
[deleted] ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 04:46:28 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I had a hairstylist who did this one to me in the middle of a haircut one time. I was a captive audience to this bullshit. Was so pissed off.
InventorOfTrees ยท 27 points ยท Posted at 02:29:41 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Words cannot express how limited my vocabulary is.
pm_me_gnus ยท 81 points ยท Posted at 19:21:25 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Sven and Ole are hunting. Ole bags a deer. They grab it by its hind legs and start dragging it towards Sven's truck. It is slow, difficult going. After a time, the come across another hunter who gives them some advice. "Fellas," he says, "a guy could have an easier time of it dragging that deer by his antlers. As it is, they're dragging along the ground, getting caught in the roots and underbrush. It's making your task a lot harder than it has to be."
So Sven and Ole drop the back hooves, and start dragging the deer by the antlers. After a while, they have this conversation -
Ole: Sven, I gotta tell ya, I'm not too sure we got good advice from that other fella back there.
Sven: Oh yeah? Why's that?
Ole: Well, sure, it's a lot easier going now. The hooves aren't getting caught on anything in the ground like the antlers were, and we're moving along at a good pace. But ever since we starting dragging this guy by the antlers, we're just getting further and further away from the truck.
jimmythegeek1 ยท 13 points ยท Posted at 04:01:10 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Non G-rated: Sven and Ole go deer hunting. They get one deer the first day, but don't have any luck on the second, so Sven says to Ole, "Ole, I tell you what. You go 'round that hill and come back the other side. I'll wait here, and if you drive any deer before you, I'll blast 'em! Then I'll try to drive 'em to you." Ole agrees this is a good idea and sets off.
Sven waits.
And waits.
And waits.
After waiting a long time, he starts to get worried and goes out looking for Ole. He hears Ole grunting and swearing so he starts running, sure he must have hurt himself. When he comes up on Ole, Ole is holding on to a tree, pants around his ankles, eyes shut tight, straining to take a dump and things are not going well.
As it happens they are pretty close to the spot where they shot that deer the other day, so Sven gets an idea. He runs back to the gut pile and picks up the offal, sneaks back and puts it under Ole's ass without Ole noticing. Then, snickering, Sven sneaks back to the spot he was supposed to wait for Ole.
And waits.
And waits.
He starts to get worried until he hears Ole coming around the hill, whistling. "Ole, there you are! I was gettin' worried!"
"Sven old pal, I was just taking a dump over there. And you know what I did? I was straining so hard I shit my guts out!"
Sven starts cracking up. Ole continues. "It's ok though, I got 'em back in."
pizzahotdoglover ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 06:50:44 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
explain?
pm_me_gnus ยท 10 points ยท Posted at 07:07:16 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Instead of turning the deer around so they could drag it to the car by the antlers, they left the deer in the same position so they were dragging it the other way.
pizzahotdoglover ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 07:31:15 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Oh. I'm dumb. Thanks
Joald ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 12:02:07 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I thought there was some more to that joke. Damn.
cheap77 ยท 27 points ยท Posted at 02:26:05 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Q: Why did the chicken cross the road?
A: To get to the idiots house.
"Knock Knock"
"Who's there?"
"The Chicken"
DrPhil009 ยท 27 points ยท Posted at 00:56:02 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
What's a butterfly with no wings? A butterwalk
Rogue_Yoghurt ยท 24 points ยท Posted at 00:54:26 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Knock Knock.
Who's there?
Dwayne.
Dwayne who?
Dwayne the bathtub, I'm dwowning!
mangopantsprime ยท 24 points ยท Posted at 02:23:36 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Knock knock
Who's there?
Moo
Moo who?
Make up your mind - are you a cow or an owl?
aumitche ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:22:40 on July 26, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I'm a...COWL
tylercreatesworlds ยท 46 points ยท Posted at 23:02:03 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
What happens when you fart in church?
You sit in your own pew.
[deleted] ยท 64 points ยท Posted at 00:14:28 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
[deleted]
jvanlente ยท 8 points ยท Posted at 00:20:12 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I wouldn't pay 45 cents to see that.
jellary ยท 7 points ยท Posted at 02:45:47 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I wouldn't take 45 cents to see that.
twofeetcia ยท 115 points ยท Posted at 16:45:38 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Being a very visual person: Two guys walk into a bar, the third one ducks.
Templar3lf ยท 9 points ยท Posted at 01:32:40 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
A dyslexic man walks into a bra.
[deleted] ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 09:18:20 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Lucky lucky guy!
jellary ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 02:41:08 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Who brings ducks to a bar?
IAMA_dragon-AMA ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 04:27:19 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Yeah, usually it's the customer who receives the bill.
LifelikeStatue ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 23:13:13 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Two guys walk into a bar, you'd think the second guy would have seen it coming.
you_got_fragged ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 04:53:46 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Two nazis walk into a BAR
FourAM ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 22:33:31 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
A guy walks into a bar
And says "Ow!"
TedUpvo ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:57:31 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Tim Allen walked into a bar. Patricia Richardson walked under it.
Hingl_McCringleberry ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:01:19 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Two blondes walk into a bar.
You'd think one of them would've seen it!
controversialduck ยท 832 points ยท Posted at 15:10:34 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Two muffins are in an oven.
One says to the other "Wow, it sure is hot in here!"
The other screams "OMG a talking muffin!!"
jshaf8 ยท 13 points ยท Posted at 00:34:37 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I heard this joke years ago but I've just now noticed something. Who the hell only makes two muffins?
AwfulFantasyJustin ยท 7 points ยท Posted at 05:06:04 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
He didn't say there are ONLY two muffins in the oven.
catalysto ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 04:52:57 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
A jokester, I imagine
HistoricalNazi ยท 14 points ยท Posted at 17:21:50 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
This is my favorite.
pelito ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 20:03:37 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
reminded me of this http://godsofthemoon.com/2011/08/08/so-high-that-the-muffin-pan-transforms/
TwoOrMore ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 21:32:46 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Me too, pal. Me too.
Also works with hot dogs on a grill.
controversialduck ยท 8 points ยท Posted at 23:05:06 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Two hotdogs are on an grill.
One says to the other "Wow, it sure is hot in here!"
The other screams "OMG a talking muffin!!"
.
You're right it does work!
Mistuhbull ยท 150 points ยท Posted at 19:48:15 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Two muffins are in an oven.
One says to the other "Wow, it sure is hot in here!"
The other one doesn't say shit because it's a fucking muffin.
Crazyhunt ยท 289 points ยท Posted at 22:24:38 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
How g-rated.
Mistuhbull ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 22:44:14 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I suppose you could tone down the language and keep the core of the joke
controversialduck ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 23:03:01 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
G rated or not. I love this version. If you have a good dead pan it would work amazing.
Crazyhunt ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 00:05:42 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I thought the same. But as is, not so g
JasonSteakums ยท -2 points ยท Posted at 01:35:08 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Jokes are funnier with inappropriate language, cause it gives it emphasis.
Mistuhbull ยท -1 points ยท Posted at 01:42:55 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I busted this out after a half hour of my friend repeating the talking muffin joke. It absolutely killed.
[deleted] ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 01:59:49 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Look out guys, Germany finally made a counter joke!
Scarletfapper ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 12:02:04 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
No that's cheese
VulcanCitizen ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 22:47:20 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I heard Hank Green say this in one of his "50 jokes in 4 minutes" videos. I had to pause the video for about 5 min because I was laughing to so hard. The way he said it was awesome
Migranium ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:59:25 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I've only ever heard this joke one place, and I've heard it enough times there to drive me crazy. It's to the point where I wonder where you first heard it.
thegrnlantern ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:03:31 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Are you a Boy Scout?
Migranium ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:06:06 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Yup, I was.
thegrnlantern ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:12:07 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I knew it! I had a guy in my troop say this joke at an OA conclave one time, and every single campout after that someone in my troop would have to repeat it. This lasted well past when the original teller move to Missouri. Also, my old troop's current scoutmaster (my father, so we speak now and then) tells me this joke is still a thing.
Migranium ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:26:25 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I had no idea this was a Boy Scout thing. I kinda wonder if it's regional, I heard it first in the Midwest, at a camp.
thegrnlantern ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:42:49 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I'm originally from the Midwest, so it may be.
erl_queen ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:23:02 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
This has always been one of my favorites!
helpmeiminnocent ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:04:01 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
This is my favourite joke.
arcturussage ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:56:32 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
This was always my favorite. Not because it was particularly fun but because a kid in high school would tell it and he had a contagious laugh.
CaptainHannagan ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:15:44 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
One of my all time favorites. My camp counselor use to tell this ALL THE TIME
alts_are_people_too ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 04:09:43 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
A pony walks into a doctor's office and says to the doctor: "Hey Doc, I think I might have laryngitis."
The doctor says, "Jesus Christ, it's a taking pony!"
calicotrinket ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 04:46:58 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Sorry, I don't get it...
AwfulFantasyJustin ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:05:23 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
This is my go-to for favorite g-rated jokes. Nothing beats it.
updn ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:31:15 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Heard it differently, but it isn't G rated, I guess: Two muffins are in an oven. One says, "Dude, I am so baked!". The other muffin replies, " oh my God, a talking muffin!"
PanchDog ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 20:14:05 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
That's actually exactly the kind of joke a G rated movie would make. Make the parents laugh, kids don't know why but can also laugh at the muffin freaking out.
TheSchnozzberry ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 23:49:02 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Two obtuse angles are in a room.
One looks to the other and says "Man it's hot in here"
The other replies "Yeah, it must be over 90 degrees."
msiri ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:15:09 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
For some reason I find it way funnier to tell the joke "Two muffins were chilling in the oven"
bizitmap ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 19:10:59 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I once took three hours to tell this joke. Longest I've ever dragged out a punchline.
Tranzlater ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 23:49:35 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I'm not sure you commented on the right joke matey...
bizitmap ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 23:59:17 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Nope, I really took three hours to tell the muffin joke.
I was in high school, playing sound tech for a school play, my buddy Pete is on spotlight. I say over the headset. "Hey. Pete." "Yeah?" "Two muffins are sitting in an oven. First muff-" "QUIET on sound booth." hisses a backstage hand over their wireless. I wait a few minutes. The kindergarteners dressed as Munchkins take the stage, squawking out off-key vocals. "Hey Pete. "...what." "So the first muffin says, Gosh it's hot in h-" "Bizitmap we can hear you all the way back here. Quiet."
This continues on for three hours, I'm never able to get the joke out, and Pete is getting more and more angry that he doesn't know the punchline that by the time the Fly Monkeys Fly, all I have to do is say "Hey Pete" and the spotlight beam shudders as he can't contain his rage.
Finally, as we reach the climactic resolution of the show, Toto breaks loose and runs off the front of the stage with a tremendous thud, distracting the stagehands for just a few precious moments.
"Hey P-"
"WHAT. WHAT DID THE SECOND MUFFIN SAY."
"He said, holy shit it's a talking muffin!"
"...I'm going to stab your extended fucking family"
seanathan19 ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 18:05:33 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Reminds me of Muffin Films. I haven't thought about those videos in a long time.
[deleted] ยท 77 points ยท Posted at 20:56:49 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)*
A Shetland pony walks into a bar, and whispers to the barman "Pint of bitter, please."
The barman cranes his neck and says "Sorry mate, what?"
The pony whispers "A pint of bitter please"
The barman, a little annoyed now, says "Look mate, you'll have to speak up, I can't hear you..."
...and the pony replies "Sorry about that, I'm a little hoarse."
TangyDelicious ยท -1 points ยท Posted at 07:25:31 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I read that in gradeaundera's voice
Sunuvamonkeyfiver ยท 22 points ยท Posted at 03:18:53 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Me: I know a really good knock knock joke but you have to start it.
Them: Ok. Knock knock.
Me: Who's there?
Them:...
She_Likes_Cloth ยท 284 points ยท Posted at 16:35:48 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
"ask me if I'm a tree"
"Are you a tree?"
"Yes. Now ask me if I'm a car"
"Are you a car?"
"No. I just told you I'm a tree!"
breadcrumb_buffet ยท 18 points ยท Posted at 21:09:05 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
"But you told me to ask if you're a car."
-Someone with no sense of humor
Badgerplayingaguitar ยท -1 points ยท Posted at 23:13:55 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Just reply "oh well you're not making any sense at all now"
PM_ME_STEAM_MONEY ยท 8 points ยท Posted at 23:20:40 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Alternatively:
"Ask me if I'm a tree."
"Are you a tree?"
"No what the fuck? Do I look like a tree to you?"
VixDzn ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 20:03:33 on February 25, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Let me PM you steam monnies
PM_ME_STEAM_MONEY ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 20:35:45 on February 25, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Plez
Rterry297 ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 23:18:26 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Every tumblr user
Graybeard ยท 41 points ยท Posted at 00:15:23 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
What's the difference between a bad golfer and a bad skydiver?
One goes "WHACK. 'Dang! '" and the other goes "' Dang!' WHACK."
merdart ยท 211 points ยท Posted at 14:50:55 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
A horse walks into a bar.The bartender looks at him and says why the long face?
lilahking ยท 575 points ยท Posted at 16:42:40 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
The horse replies, "My alcoholism is destroying my family."
Redrum01 ยท 254 points ยท Posted at 16:50:06 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Is that you, Bojack?
ThePatrickSays ยท 8 points ยท Posted at 20:15:18 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
"Don't be sad, horsey"
Live_Z_Or_Die ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 04:31:03 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
"Good horsey."
mister_gone ยท 11 points ยท Posted at 21:53:17 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
What are YOUUUUU doing here?
blay12 ยท 8 points ยท Posted at 01:19:33 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
...what are you doing here.
The way that line changes in both meaning and inflection throughout the season is just the best!
mister_gone ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 05:38:36 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I also would have accepted 'just horsin' around..." laugh track
Sunuvamonkeyfiver ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 03:09:15 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Don't be ridiculous, Bojack doesn't have anyone who would care if he's a alcoholic.
Trickelodean2 ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 20:20:31 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I used to be in a very famous tv show
[deleted] ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 20:39:27 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
BoJack the horse dont act like yoooouuuuu dont know.
Trickelodean2 ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 20:50:45 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Know. I'm Bojack, Bojack the horseman
Sunuvamonkeyfiver ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:14:28 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Jeez, I guess it's up to me to sorry you guys out.
Back in the nineties I was in a very popular teevee show.
I'm Bojack the horse (Bojack!) Bojack the horse, don't act like you don't know.
And I'm trying, to hold on to my past
It's been so long that I don't think I'm gonna last.
I'm just trying to make you understand, that I'm more horse than man
Or that I'm more man than horse. (Bojack!)
UwasaWaya ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 23:21:52 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Even before this, I'd read it in his voice.
ameristraliacitizen ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 03:32:03 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
No it's Sarah Jessica Parker
merdart ยท 7 points ยท Posted at 17:16:37 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
That may be a little heavy for a g-rated joke.
idiot_speaking ยท 52 points ยท Posted at 17:33:10 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
A horse walks into a bar. The bartender asks, โWhy the long face?โ
โI was born into servitude, and when I die, my feet will be turned into glue,โ replied the horse.
The bartender realized he would not be getting a tip.
Source
NobilisUltima ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:46:43 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Holy shit, thank you for introducing me to this site.
merdart ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 17:43:31 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I would have guessed Steven Wright.
beatinbossier18 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 19:48:48 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
This made me lol in the bar I'm at, then I realized it hit close to home... now I'm sad
gxxncxrlo ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 13:00:07 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Then the bartender screams, "OMG A TALKING HORSE!!!!!"
nypvtt ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 20:52:36 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
The bartender replies: "OMG a talking horse"!
John_Wilkes ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 23:40:19 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
"I'm an anthropologic horse and hence fit in neither with humans nor my own kind."
IAmTheToastGod ยท 7 points ยท Posted at 15:57:32 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
A lion walks into a bar, bartender goes"what are you having?", lion replies "..........................a beer", bartender says "hey, why the long pause?"
teddyzx5 ยท 16 points ยท Posted at 16:54:51 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
big pause
Mr_Krabs_Left_Nut ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:59:13 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Wide pause
NYCHilarity ยท 12 points ยท Posted at 16:47:19 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I've always heard this as "large pause."
IAmTheToastGod ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 16:51:30 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I've heard it both ways
[deleted] ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 18:25:47 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
But lions don't have long paws. They have large paws.
Ubernaught ยท -2 points ยท Posted at 19:00:40 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Are they not longer than a housecat's paws? I imagine they would be both wider and longer in order to be larger.
Pointlessly settling semantics!
PanchDog ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 20:22:57 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
You heard it wrong. It's big. Lions don't have long paws.
merdart ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 16:12:49 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I've never heard that one.That one's pretty good.
SilverHammerMan ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 20:53:57 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
One of my favorites is similar: A bear walks into a bar and says, "I'll have a gin.........and tonic." The bartender says, "What's with the big pause?". The bear explains, "I'm a bear".
banananey ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 00:50:20 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
A horse walks into a bar. Several people get up and leave as they spot the potential danger in the situation.
Safety0range ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 02:15:06 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
The way I heard this one was: Celine Dion walks into the bar. Bartender looks at her and says "Celine, why the long face?".
KeijyMaeda ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 03:15:49 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
A horse walked into a bar. Several people left immediately, spotting the potential danger in the situation.
one-hour-photo ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 03:17:28 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Horse replies, "i've just been diagnosed with stage 4 brain cancer"
inahst ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 04:08:07 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
The horse does not respond because it is a horse. It can neither speak nor understand English. It is confused by its surroundings and gallops out of the bar, knocking over a few tables.
you_got_fragged ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 04:54:34 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
stupid long horses
Monsterlamb ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 06:40:48 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Two Asians walk into a bar and the bartender asks "why the SAME face?"
1018slash1018 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 22:25:28 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Two asians walk into a bar and the bartender says Why the same face?
cowboyecosse ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 23:04:18 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Sophie Ellis-Bextor walks into a bar, the barman asks, "Why the wide face?"
jackruby83 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:54:01 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
A horse walks into a bar and says "Ouch"
Three guys walk into a bar. The fourth guy ducks.
Ims0c0nfus3d ยท 439 points ยท Posted at 15:32:38 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
What did the farmer say when he lost his tractor? Where's my tractor.
OkArmordillo ยท 64 points ยท Posted at 21:38:01 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
/r/antijokes
TheDerpySpoon ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 02:21:19 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
/r/AntiAntiJokes
lemlemons ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 03:27:30 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
sadly, i find that most 'jokes' in that sub are either nonsensical, or just bad. very rarely is one an actual antijoke
DoDraper ยท 17 points ยท Posted at 22:02:37 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
After coming all down, I just lost my shit here Haha
Maoman1 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 01:33:01 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
You'll like /r/antijokes (if you haven't already see OkArmordillo's link to it.
DoDraper ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 12:13:07 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I like it.. Thanks for the heads up.
Fudrucker ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 23:51:21 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I remember that one from mid-80's Americas funniest home videos. Cute little girl said it, instant classic.
kyapu_chinchin ยท 9 points ยท Posted at 19:43:31 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
My favorite.
[deleted] ยท 8 points ยท Posted at 22:18:46 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
You wanna know the last thing my Uncle Bobby told me before he kicked the bucket?
"Hey, I'm gonna kick this bucket!"
Maoman1 ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 01:33:57 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
My mom heard this a while back and absolutely lost her shit. She told that joke to everyone and I think the only one who laughed nearly as hard as she did is her mom.
butth0lez ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 23:51:43 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
This is a joke my baby brother would tell me.
ninja_llama ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:16:33 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
So far, this joke made me laugh the most.
Mage_of_Shadows ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:16:34 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
What did the farmer say when he found the tractor? There's my tractor
What do you call a farmer with a tractor on his head? Dead
What did the farmer do when he lost his cow? He tractor down
De-fukz ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 06:36:30 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
What did Batman say to Robin before they got in the Batmobile?
"Robin, get in the Batmobile."
Mareldamus ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 06:50:31 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
This made me laugh too hard
effing_nerd ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 08:17:57 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Came here to say this.
CKtheFourth ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 14:45:33 on February 15, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
What did one lawyer say to the other lawyer?
Hey, we're both lawyers.
TheGiggityGecko ยท 127 points ยท Posted at 16:38:02 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
longestjokeintheworld.com
thunder75 ยท 21 points ยท Posted at 01:11:03 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
The joke is the icing on the cake for me since I really enjoy the story it tells.
TheGiggityGecko ยท 15 points ยท Posted at 01:54:34 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Me too, I was reading it at work and my coworker asked what it was and I was like "just some sort story... Wait a second this is supposed to be a joke, wtf"
Mantine55 ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 06:20:33 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
My goodness that joke was a rollercoaster.
[deleted] ยท 7 points ยท Posted at 00:41:23 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I read that a while ago, it took like 50 minutes to complete
kuqumi ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 05:35:42 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Or the version that you can comfortably read, natethesnake.com.
pleasedothenerdful ยท 9 points ยท Posted at 19:16:47 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Epic.
Jackoff_Alltrades ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 02:50:07 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I loved it
The_Karate_Emu ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 02:30:32 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
If it didn't end like that it would be an even more excellent story. I was invested in that.
TheGiggityGecko ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 03:43:12 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Yeah, it's such a good story it deserves a real, non pun ending
Derf_Jagged ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 01:47:53 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I swear if it's purple passion I might cry
JefferyTheWalrus ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 02:59:42 on July 9, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I once told the Longest Joke in the World to a live audience. People applauded, but probably more for my weird dedication to telling it than for the actual punchline.
Doomsday_Device ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 04:41:35 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Read it all, it's worth it.
LyraOfOxford ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:35:32 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I can't believe how much time I committed to reading that joke. It did make me laugh though.
keeganmusic ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 14:40:38 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
The personality segment of that page really hit home
farmch ยท -13 points ยท Posted at 23:10:39 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I've never read this cause it's too god damn long, can someone give the Tl;Dr on it.
graaahh ยท 21 points ยท Posted at 23:47:23 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Just take some time and read it. Trying to sum it up is just going to ruin all the fun of it.
ChasterMief711 ยท 15 points ยท Posted at 00:26:58 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
it's a shaggy dog story, the whole point is that it's really long and ends with a pun that isn't even that funny. the humor comes from the fact that all of the buildup was for nothing. there may be some slightly condensed versions of this one out there, but they're still going to be long.
bythetuskofnarwhal ยท 17 points ยท Posted at 02:50:35 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
going to prom
need tux
long tux line
need flower wrist band thing
long flower wrist band thing line
need limo
long limo line
be at prom with date
get her some punch
no punch line
[deleted] ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 22:41:45 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I enjoyed that more than I probably should have.
Also, the "flower wrist band thing" is called a corsage. Not that anyone cares.
Hey_I_Work_Here ยท -83 points ยท Posted at 20:08:27 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Is this the better nate than lever joke?
resting_parrot ยท 32 points ยท Posted at 23:48:05 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Sure, if you want to just give away the punchline.
PM_ME_A_TOWEL ยท 19 points ยท Posted at 23:51:33 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Nice job spoiling it for anyone about to read it.
coreyshep ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 03:55:30 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
For the 11% that would read it.
natergonnanate ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 00:47:43 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
fuck that joke
Hey_I_Work_Here ยท 7 points ยท Posted at 20:10:33 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Yes it is.
Gh3rkinman ยท 31 points ยท Posted at 21:13:54 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
What's the difference between a crab with breast implants and a dirty bus stop?
One's a busty crustacean and the other's a crusty bus station.
:D
oldmermen ยท 46 points ยท Posted at 15:22:28 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I would make a chemistry joke but all the good ones argon.
MattGeddon ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 23:18:36 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Do you want to hear a pun about potassium?
K.
SurprisedPotato ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 00:48:09 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Would you like to hear a joke about Nobelium?
No.
How about a joke about Nitrous Oxide?
NO.
MattGeddon ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 00:59:58 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Two scientists walk into a bar. The first scientist says "I'll have a glass of h2o please." The second scientist says "I'll have a glass of h2o too". And then he died.
corran450 ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 03:03:56 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Quit boron us with all these chemistry puns...
cbop ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:35:55 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I told a chemistry joke. There was no reaction.
positiviti ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:45:59 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Maybe one about sodium?
Na.
SurprisedPotato ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:14:30 on February 14, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Not even Sodium Bromate?
NaBrO
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:44:17 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
[deleted]
Mr_Smartypants ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 23:00:51 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Nearly every joke in this thread is a pun, so i'd say yes.
rumblered000 ยท 16 points ยท Posted at 00:19:46 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
You guys hear about the new restaurant on the moon?
The food's great, but it's got no atmosphere.
esemef ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 04:48:32 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Food is out of this world!
๐๏ธ Alkomb ยท 743 points ยท Posted at 14:36:55 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Why did the scarecrow get a promotion? Because he was standing out in his field.
What did he say at his acceptance speech? "Hay, it's in my jeans."
[deleted] ยท 910 points ยท Posted at 15:08:43 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
[deleted]
๐๏ธ Alkomb ยท 194 points ยท Posted at 15:09:19 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Ha, that one's way better.
YourLocalWeatherMan ยท 660 points ยท Posted at 15:21:49 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
That's because it's the right way to say it
๐๏ธ Alkomb ยท 262 points ยท Posted at 15:23:14 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Oh, sorry.
YourLocalWeatherMan ยท 282 points ยท Posted at 15:24:18 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
No I'm sorry
๐๏ธ Alkomb ยท 179 points ยท Posted at 15:26:20 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Nah, it's fine.
YourLocalWeatherMan ยท 259 points ยท Posted at 15:28:38 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
No really, I over reacted
๐๏ธ Alkomb ยท 157 points ยท Posted at 15:29:51 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Please forgive me?:c
dubyrunning ยท 346 points ยท Posted at 15:49:23 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
This is the most Canadian thread
๐๏ธ Alkomb ยท 16 points ยท Posted at 19:37:11 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Ah, sorry, my bad.
Edit: & ah, sorry for the late reply, too, though.
that_one_dud ยท 8 points ยท Posted at 21:03:12 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Stupid Corey and Trevor are always fucking things up.
๐๏ธ Alkomb ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 09:55:26 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Oh.:o
pondofcherries ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 23:39:56 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
"Please forgive me" is a song by Bryan Adams who, as fate would have it, is Canadian.
Anesan2654 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 23:47:40 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Oh, soorry about that.
Jawbreaker93 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:27:15 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Sorry...
MyPenLeaksFire ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 04:52:34 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
eh
eye_in_a_jar ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 19:40:06 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Fuck off.
๐๏ธ Alkomb ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:43:12 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Sorry.:\
eye_in_a_jar ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:46:33 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
It's okay, I was just joking.
๐๏ธ Alkomb ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:57:28 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Ah, thanks for forgiving me! & oh, sorry.
eye_in_a_jar ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 22:50:49 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
sorry
๐๏ธ Alkomb ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:34:04 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Nah, it's fine, you're awesome.:o!
eye_in_a_jar ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:21:15 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
No, you're awesome
angelicmckayla ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 01:34:58 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I can't stop loving you!!
๐๏ธ Alkomb ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 09:55:38 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
D'aw, thanks! You're awesome!
vincere925 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 08:08:11 on February 14, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Now kiss
[deleted] ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 02:00:04 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
No, you're /u/yourlocalweatherman
Gorback ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:26:48 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Canadian?
better-every-day ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:35:18 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Hi sorry, I'm Dad.
Ifeellikeafatbaby ยท -2 points ยท Posted at 15:27:04 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
No, I am sorry.
plumbtree ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 03:20:38 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)*
Well...to be direct, it doesn't really make any sense the way you wrote it. Is English perhaps a second language for you? If so, good on ya for being fluent in more languages than me!
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:03:36 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Yea, it's streets ahead
LickItAndSpreddit ยท -5 points ยท Posted at 17:04:18 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
It's certainly better. The way you said it doesn't even make sense.
๐๏ธ Alkomb ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 17:11:16 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Oh, sorry.
one-hour-photo ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:09:10 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Probably because that makes sense.
johnhollison ยท 30 points ยท Posted at 15:00:20 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
This one is good. I have a board meeting at 1 o'clock and this is now my opener. THANK YOU.
[deleted] ยท 90 points ยท Posted at 15:29:14 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
More like bored meeting, know what I'm sayin'?
johnhollison ยท 41 points ยท Posted at 15:37:46 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
AYYYYOOOO!!!
sqqueen ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:06:32 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
"They told me it was a bored meeting"
Disproves ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 17:50:54 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
no
cafebrad ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 23:30:13 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Ooo. Zing
๐๏ธ Alkomb ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 15:01:39 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Oh, sorry, & ah, thanks! & no problem.
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 20:36:46 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
So let's remember, people. Be standing out in your field and wear your jeans well. Go get 'em!
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 22:04:14 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
[deleted]
johnhollison ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 22:08:52 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Nah I didn't, made my secretary laugh though!
jellary ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:41:30 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Have fun being unemployed.
๐๏ธ Alkomb ยท 27 points ยท Posted at 14:37:01 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Sorry.
mister_gone ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 21:52:04 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
EH? Speak up! I cannae hear you!
๐๏ธ Alkomb ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 21:53:08 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Sorry.:c
Gorback ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 02:26:30 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I love this one, but always heard it as outstanding in his field.
MissAnneThropist ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:34:42 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
What do you call a man outstanding in his field? A farmer
What is an ocean liner? Sand
What is a dandylion? Some pretty good lying
๐๏ธ Alkomb ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 09:53:56 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Ha.
FHL88Work ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:11:26 on February 18, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
First part doesn't seem right. Out standing in his field?
๐๏ธ Alkomb ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 14:45:30 on February 18, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Yeah, sorry.
GottIstTot ยท 14 points ยท Posted at 19:03:01 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Did you hear about the Necromancer guild downsizing?
They're operating on a skeleton crew.
fairy6870 ยท 15 points ยท Posted at 19:57:45 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
What kind of shoes do frogs wear?
Open toad shoes!
jerevallen ยท 13 points ยท Posted at 02:13:52 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
What do you call a fish with no arm and no legs???
A fish.
Vlad_Pitt ยท 27 points ยท Posted at 00:08:56 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
found on reddit years ago:
"Why does Michael J Fox make the best milk shakes?"
"Because he uses the finest ingredients"
OppositeofaCactus ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 05:40:06 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I don't get this one :(
ReverendDS ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 06:01:05 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Michael J Fox has Parkinson's - one of the primary symptoms is an incessant, jittery shaking of the body.
So, the joke is leading you towards assuming that it's going to be some kind of punchline leaning on the symptom of Parkinson's but then turns it on its head by shorting the implied punchline and referencing the quality ingredients he uses to make his milk shakes.
alienatedesire ยท 66 points ยท Posted at 14:37:42 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Why is six afraid of seven?
[deleted] ยท 318 points ยท Posted at 15:04:20 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Because seven is a registered six offender.
[deleted] ยท 91 points ยท Posted at 15:20:03 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
[deleted]
bizitmap ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 19:22:41 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Is there something I don't know? What's particulary Zealandey about this joke?
komilatte ยท 14 points ยท Posted at 19:31:33 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Six sounds like sex in that accent.
Leather_Boots ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 02:33:05 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Six sounds like sex in an Australian accent. Six sounds like sux in a kiwi accent.
bizitmap ยท -1 points ยท Posted at 19:40:24 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
It sounds like sex in every accent?
GodotIsWaiting4U ยท 9 points ยท Posted at 19:52:54 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
The New Zealand accent has a unique effect on vowel pronunciation.
In most varieties of English, "sex" uses the phoneme /ษ/ for the vowel, but New Zealand English turned it into /e/ and then into /ษช/.
The result is that "six" and "sex" are pronounced virtually identically in New Zealand English, while other varieties and accents pronounce them distinctly.
[deleted] ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 22:43:47 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
[deleted]
[deleted] ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 06:46:53 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Yeah, they sounds similar but definitely different. They probably sound identical to people non familiar with the accent though, most of the world can't differentiate between Aus and NZ accents for the most part in any case.
I'd say that it's really the opposite of what people are saying here. "Sex" sounds more like someone saying "six", rather than the other way around.
DoggorDawg ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 22:54:19 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
You mean Australia. Sounds nothing like sex when a kiwi says it
iordseyton ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:22:57 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
This should illustrate https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=54dJz_ynMcs
WeaponsGradeHumanity ยท -2 points ยท Posted at 21:40:45 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
That's not true.
t3sture ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:51:21 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Not sure why you're being down voted. I was sure your joke was meant to be read in an Australian accent with the question mark indicating question intonation. But I'm probably over thinking it.
funkme1ster ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:21:34 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
See this for reference: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_9858ev8E94
sobermonkey ยท -1 points ยท Posted at 22:05:30 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Isn't that a fruit? Do you have a kiwi at your desk? Why are you telling us about the kiwi you found? What are you wearing?
sobermonkey ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 22:04:11 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Being my lucky number isn't the only thing I have in common with seven.
CyberneticPanda ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 23:42:25 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Because he ate nine!
justanothersong ยท 75 points ยท Posted at 15:15:02 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I assume it's because 7 is a prime number, and prime numbers can be intimidating.
[deleted] ยท 25 points ยท Posted at 15:37:11 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
You just can't get to them. But they make for good politicians. They are good at not being divisive.
terkla ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 03:21:18 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
thanks, misha :)
thatwasnotkawaii ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 20:47:03 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Liberty Prime is intimidating
F0RGERY ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:01:29 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
6 used to hang out with i, but his mother told him to stop playing with imaginary friends.
Unit88 ยท 29 points ยท Posted at 17:04:31 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Because seven has cold, dead eyes.
devilsadvocate09 ยท 19 points ยท Posted at 14:39:25 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
because 7 8 9?
BulbousAlsoTapered ยท 9 points ยท Posted at 20:58:41 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Because siete ocho nueve? I don't get it.
_Kyu ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 21:25:46 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
siete ovo nueve
alienatedesire ยท -3 points ยท Posted at 14:40:53 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Because, seven ATE nine. Get it? 8 and ate sound the same.
tobiasstauhf ยท 18 points ยท Posted at 16:45:00 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Explaining a joke it's like dissecting a live frog. You learn a lot about the frog, but it dies in the process.
devilsadvocate09 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 14:46:45 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Yea I just use the numbers in my answer, I told my oldest this joke probably once a month I get the same eye roll every time.
bumberclart ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:22:28 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Wow you are really brain, where did you go to school?
wuop ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 20:08:49 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Why is 5 afraid of 7?
<yoda> Because 6, 7 8. </yoda>
ThatDaveyGuy ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 21:13:08 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
It isn't. Numbers are not sentient and thus cannot feel fear.
MemeInBlack ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 05:11:19 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Sounds like something a letter would say
Warpable ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 21:35:14 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
the only right answer
lezarus ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:34:34 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Because 8 and 9 were killed in a double homicide, and 7 is the prime suspect.
hogglethecoward ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:40:12 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Because seven eight nine. That cannibalistic bastard.
Eyeoo ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:46:10 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Because 7 ate 9!
Thighpaulsandra ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:11:41 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Because seven ate nine.
Tsquare43 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 20:28:00 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
because seven eight nine...
FourAM ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 22:32:14 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Yoda: Why afraid of seven, eight was? Because 6, 7 8.
ethroks ยท 14 points ยท Posted at 23:20:36 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Did you hear about the guy who got his whole left side cut off?
He's all right now
Organicy ยท 63 points ยท Posted at 16:28:13 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
How did the telephone propose to the other telephone?
He gave her a ring. ๐๐
Red_AtNight ยท 18 points ยท Posted at 19:19:29 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Did you hear about the two cellphones who got married?
The ceremony wasn't great, but the reception was amazing
pm_me_gnus ยท 45 points ยท Posted at 19:21:55 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
What kind of game can you play with a wombat?
Wom.
Without_Any_Milk ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 02:53:45 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
this is by far my favorite here
the_supersalad ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 04:16:02 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Mine too! I don't know why I love it but I do!
pm_me_gnus ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 07:04:45 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
That's my reaction too. It's just so dumb... it's wonderful.
skittlesMc9 ยท 12 points ยท Posted at 01:05:23 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Why is Peter Pan always flying? ... Because he Neverlands!
skittlesMc9 ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 01:05:36 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I love this joke because it never gets old
tenzinashoka ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 05:16:13 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
It does have a catchy hook though
TehCharmaynard ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 05:30:45 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Because if you got hit in the Peter with a Pan, you'd fly, too!
PenguinColada ยท 13 points ยท Posted at 01:32:29 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
There was this butcher. One day, a medium-sized dog comes into his shop where he worked. Curious, the butcher investigates and notices that the beast had a twenty dollar bill and a hand-written note. The note read:
I need a leg of lamb. Just give it to the dog. Keep the change.
The butcher shrugs and decides to go ahead and fulfill the order. While he packaged the meat, the dog sat patiently the whole time. Then the butcher gave the dog a plastic bag with a small leg of lamb, and the dog took the handle in his mouth and walked out of the door.
Scratching his head, the butcher looks after the dog, wondering who would send their pet on errands. He closes down the shop and follows the dog to a bus stop. The pooch looks up at the time table and hops on the bench, sitting patiently. The butcher laughs, because there was no way a dog could read a sign. So he sits down next to the dog, who ignores him.
Fifteen minutes pass and a bus rolls around and stops. The dog calmly gets up and walks straight onto the bus. Perplexed, the butcher follows him onto the bus and sits down. The bus travels to the outer edge of town before stopping, releasing the dog and the butcher.
Dog then walks briskly down the sidewalk past many houses before stopping in front of one. He tries to push the door open, but the door won't budge. So he puts down the bag of meat, looks up at the door, and repeatedly beats his head on the wood. The butcher stands in shock. Soon, a burly man opens the door and begins to yell at the dog and smack his muzzle, causing the butcher to intervene.
"Stop! What are you doing?!" The butcher says. "This dog has come into my shop, made a purchase, and even taken a bus. I daresay he's a genius!"
"Genius my arse," the man said. "The ruddy beast forgot his key."
[deleted] ยท 24 points ยท Posted at 20:27:37 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Two men are drinking in a bar in a high rise in the city. They've both had quite a few when one says to the other, "I'll bet you fifty bucks I can go out on that balcony, step off the edge, and a gust of wind will pick me up and put me safely back on the balcony."
The second man tells the first he should maybe take it easy on the drinks now, but the first is so insistent that he pulls a crisp fifty dollar bill from his wallet and slaps it on the bar with a challenging grin.
So they walk to the balcony and stand there a moment. Sure enough, the moment the first man steps off the balcony and begins to fall, a huge gust of wind kicks up and sets him right back on the balcony.
The second man is beside himself. He is just beginning to stammer out a question when the first man, bright red from booze, says confidently "Double or nothing I can do it again!"
Positive nobody's luck can be that good, the second man produces a hundred dollar bill and places it on the table.
A second step off the balcony, a second gust of wind, a second return to the balcony.
The second man demands to know how it's done. The first man tells him to wait for the wind to start before he steps, and bets the man double the current pot that he can do it too.
Feeling quite bold having just seen the other guy do it twice, the second man slaps his cash on the table, and stands on the edge of the balcony. As the wind picks up, he steps off the edge - - and falls to his death.
The first man picks up the money from the table, and as he walks back inside counting his winnings, the bartender says to him, "Superman, you really have to stop messing with my customers like that."
actual_factual_bear ยท 7 points ยท Posted at 03:41:15 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
FTFY
twinklewolf ยท 239 points ยท Posted at 18:06:14 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
There was this tramp.
One cold winter's morning he was walking along a country road, when he heard a cry for help from a nearby lake.
Without a moment's hesitation he ran out onto the ice and slipped and slided over to a little girl. He managed to pull her out without breaking the ice further and carried her back to the road. He took off his coat and wrapped her in it and then began looking for a car to flag down.
The father drives up. "How can I ever thank you sir?" he says after putting his daughter into the warmth of the limo. "Just name your price - I'm a wealthy man."
"Ahem, well ..." stammered the tramp "...eh I'm a little short of cash, perhaps you could help me out"
"Oh dear" says the father, "I don't carry much cash with me, I only have ten dollars - but come home with me and I'll get more from the safe"
"No! No!" says the tramp, "Why ten dollars is more money than I've seen in my whole life - that will be plenty".
"Ten Dollars" thinks the tramp, "I'm rich! I'm rich!", and off he goes to the town, to buy himself a holiday.
He finds a travel agent, walks in - much to the disgust of the staff - and goes up to the desk. "I'll have one holiday please!"
"Ahem, which holiday would sir like" asked the girl at the desk, forcing a smile.
"Oh, any holiday I don't mind, anything up to ten dollars" replied the tramp.
"TEN DOLLARS!! You'll never get a holiday for ten dollars" says the girl incredulously.
She goes into the back of the shop, and searches in the deepest, dustiest filing drawers she can find. There - to her amazement - she finds an old file.
"Well you'll never believe it" she says to the tramp, back in the shop. "I've got you a holiday - its a super-duper, ultra-hyper, mega-economy class round the world cruise - and it costs ten dollars"
"Yippee", exclaims the tramp, "I'll take it"
A few days later he arrives at the port, and there in the dock is the most beautiful, most elaborately decorated, most expensive looking ocean-going liner he has ever seen.
"Get off my ship ye dirty bum!" shouts a voice, and an irate captain storms down the gangplank and kicks the tramp down onto the dockside.
"But I've got my ticket!", responds the tramp, "Super-duper, ultra- hyper, mega-economy class, and I want on!"
"Ahem, well O.K.", says the captain, "But you can't come on just now, I don't want my first-class passengers seeing you. Come back at midnight when it's dark and I'll let you on then."
So the tramp finds himself a quiet spot among some cargo cases on the dockside, and he falls asleep.
"Psst", says a voice, waking him with a start. It was the captain. "Hurry up, it's midnight, let's get you to your cabin"
The tramp toddles after the captain, along the dockside, up the gangway, and onto the ship - and what a ship!
First they went down through the first class level:
Oriental carpets - 6" pile. A genuine Rembrandt on every wall. Leave your shoes outside for cleaning, and the steward brings a new pair. 24 ct gold trim everywhere.
Then the second class:
As above, but perhaps the carpets were only 3" deep, and so on...
3rd, 4th, 5th class, down past the casinos, and the ballrooms, down through the crew's quarters, down through the galleys, and the engine rooms, until finally, at the lowest point in the ship, against the very hull, the captain opens a watertight door into a tiny 7' x 4' cabin, with a hammock, a bedside table, and an alarm clock.
"Sheer luxury!" exclaimed the tramp, "A room of my very own."
"I'm glad you like it" replies the captain, "but there is one more thing..." "Your class of ticket only allows you to use the facilities of the ship, at night - when all the other passengers are asleep. So that's what the alarm clock is for. Enjoy your cruise."
Well the cruise began, and the tramp had a whale of a time. Sleeping by day, and up on deck at night - he loved it. One-man-tennis, clay pigeon shooting, more food than he'd ever seen...
Then one morning, a week or so into the cruise, the tramp decided he'd have a go on the diving board of the pool. He had just enough time for one dive before he had to go below.
He climbed up the ladder, stepped onto the board tip, bounced, and dived....
....and what a dive...!
Perfectly poised in the air, he hit the water without so much as a ripple.
Now unknown to him, the captain - who'd grown rather fond of the poor old tramp - was standing watching this.
"That was amazing!" exclaimed the captain, "Where did you learn to dive like that?"
"Eh, well I've never actually dived before" replied the tramp.
"Well that's incredible!" says the captain,
"I've never seen...."
He broke off.
"Hey, I've an idea", he started again.
"How would you like to train a bit, and we'll put on a show for the other passengers. I'll pay you, and you can then afford to go first class!"
"It's a deal!" says our man.
For the next 3 weeks the tramp practices like he's never practiced before. Back-flips, front-flips, triple-back sideways axled dives, you name it he tried it.
Then one morning the captain came to talk.
"O.K. I'd like you to stay in your cabin for the next 2 days. We're going to erect a high diving board for you."
"O.K." agreed the tramp.
Two days passed, and the big day arrived. The ship was humming with excitement. Everyone wanted to see the mystery diver. The captain had provided the tramp with a new pair of swimming trunks and he wore these as he stepped out onto the sun-beaten deck.
Gasps of astonishment from the crowd, and a hushed awe.
Higher than the eye could see, towering up and up, rose a slender column of metal.
"Well tramp" said the captain, shaking his hand, "Let's see what you can do." And with that the Captain handed him a walkie talkie.
And the tramp began to climb... up and up... below him the ship grew smaller... on and on... past a solitary albatross... and still higher... till the ship was but a speck on the ocean below... and on still further... till the ocean grew dim... and the earth itself... began to shrink... past our moon... and on... and mars... and on... higher, and higher... through the asteroid belt... and on and on towards the diving board... past the outer planets, until... on the outermost reaches of the Solar System... he reached the board.
He climbed on top and radioed the captain...
and then...
he jumped
slowly at first but speeding up
faster, and faster speeding past Pluto and the other outer planets
.
through the asteroid belt: past Mars, and the moon, faster, and faster, faster - ever faster, and by now the earth was growing large in the distance, the oceans and land masses grew clear, faster, and faster...
past the albatross, double-back somersault, and he could see the ship, tiny in the distance, hurtling down now, he posed, ready for the final 500 feet,
Down on the ship the crew strained their necks,
"I CAN SEE HIM!" yelled a passenger, "LOOK!!"
The tramp streaked down towards the pool, did a last triple flip, and dove...
NOT A RIPPLE ON THE SURFACE!
DOWN THROUGH THE WATER!
SMASHED THROUGH THE POOL BOTTOM!
DOWN THROUGH THE FIRST DECK!
SMASHING THROUGH THE SECOND!
DOWN!
DOWN!
THROUGH THE CREW'S QUARTERS!
THROUGH THE ENGINE ROOMS!
SMASHING THROUGH HIS OWN LITTLE CABIN!
AND DOWN THROUGH THE STEEL HULL OF THE SHIP!
STILL DOWN...!
DEEPER,
DEEPER INTO THE MURKY DEPTHS,
TILL..........
SMASH! Into the sea bed, sinking a 37' shaft in the process.
Desperate for air he struggle out of the shaft, his lungs bursting he swam frantically for the surface.
Up and up, desperate, gasping...
Out of the water, up the ladder onto the deck of the ship, into a throng wild with acclaim.
HERO! WONDERFUL! AMAZING! BLOODY GOOD SHOW THAT!
And handing him a heated towel the captain spoke, as a hush fell over the crowd.
"Well tramp, I have NEVER seen anything like that, EVER.
That was the most STUPENDOUS piece of diving I have ever seen"
The tramp blushed.
The captain went on:
"But tell me, most amazing of all is how you survived smashing through this boat after you dived - how did you do it."
And the tramp looked at the captain, and the crowd and replied modestly:
"Well you see....
I'm a poor tramp...
so you must understand...
I've been through many a hardship in my life"
Autocoprophage ยท 27 points ยท Posted at 03:41:20 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
what the fuck, can't believe I got burned by the same punchline twice in the same thread!
Astronautspiff ยท 21 points ยท Posted at 00:09:08 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Jeez
twinklewolf ยท 13 points ยท Posted at 00:20:52 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I've only told this joke out loud around 5 times. Glorious.
PM_ME_YR_O_FACE ยท 36 points ยท Posted at 02:39:20 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
No wonder; if you told it six times you'd have died of old age.
kunk180 ยท 7 points ยท Posted at 03:50:13 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Fucking twice. Twice I fell for that goddamn pun. It's just too funny. I think I like your version of the joke better though.
BillCoC ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 02:23:10 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I read all that shit. For a shitty punchline. I hate you.
lime1221 ยท 7 points ยท Posted at 03:35:08 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Well I liked the story! Even though I knew I was going to groan at the end.
Its_my_ghenetiks ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 02:52:11 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I didn't read it but upvote for the dedication.
[deleted] ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 03:11:00 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
groans
Ltdslip ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 03:21:25 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
God dammit
Polite_Insults ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 03:53:16 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
God damn...that was worth it
ilinamorato ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 14:15:45 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
That was a long way to go for such a shallow joke.
twinklewolf ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 14:22:07 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Eyyyy
reret10 ยท 8 points ยท Posted at 01:18:33 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Can we get a TLDR:?
PM_ME_YR_O_FACE ยท 26 points ยท Posted at 02:42:38 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
TL;DR: Poor person does pointless stuff for an hour, then smashes into a boat, is unhurt, and says that's because he's accustomed to "hardships."
Then everyone pelts OP with rotten vegetables until he or she is completely buried.
SilverStar9192 ยท 12 points ยท Posted at 02:42:19 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Nope. If I suffered through it, you do too :)
islandalpinist ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 05:53:23 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
...I don't know what I expected. But in the end, I laughed aloud after a good groan. Kudos!
The_arch1tect ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 07:01:35 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
This is so good,
Mimicking-hiccuping ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 11:28:56 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
10/10 for effort
MistaCatballs ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 23:06:42 on May 8, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
That was amazing
twinklewolf ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 23:22:49 on May 8, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Yeah, I love it. It makes me laugh so much.
Nooneyslap ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 07:27:27 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
...yeah I'm not reading all of that
ceriee ยท 22 points ยท Posted at 19:36:43 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Me: Doctor you've got to help me, I'm addicted to Twitter. Doctor: I don't follow you.
zubaba ยท 24 points ยท Posted at 21:30:41 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Two drums and a cymbal fall off a cliff.
Ba-dum tssh.
Apple_Cup ยท 12 points ยท Posted at 01:35:42 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Knock Knock. Who's there? To. To who? No, "To whom".
Koufas ยท 10 points ยท Posted at 02:23:19 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
What cheese is made backwards?
Edam
theloyd ยท 11 points ยท Posted at 02:34:45 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
A professor tells his class "In some languages, like Spanish, a double negative in the sentence still gives the sentence a negative meaning. In English, a double negative in a sentence gives the sentence a positive meaning. However, there is no language in the world where a double positive in a sentence will provide you with a negative meaning."
From the back of the room a kid just chuckles, "Yeah, right."
Type40BlueBox ยท 10 points ยท Posted at 04:09:45 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I pirate walks into a bar with a paper towel hat, and the bartender asks:
"What's with the paper towel?"
And the pirate answers:
"Arrgh, I've got a bounty on me head."
kblado7609 ยท 29 points ยท Posted at 16:29:02 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
What did the snail say while riding on the turtles back? WEEEEEEEEEE
crazyinthesunlight ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:51:17 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
that's my favorite joke!
CoffeeBeans87 ยท 21 points ยท Posted at 19:16:40 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
What happened to the car with the wooden wheels and wooden engine?
It wooden move.
MisterBigDude ยท 19 points ยท Posted at 23:30:29 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Why is it safe to sprinkle parmesan cheese on your spaghetti in front of little kids?
Because it's g-rated.
["grated"]
OP, you asked for a g-rated joke, and I'm the only one who gave you one!
Spaghetti_Robotti ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 23:32:06 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
If you could have any one food for the rest of your life, what would it be and why is it spaghetti?
Garimasaurus ยท 20 points ยท Posted at 23:11:32 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)*
Q: What do you get when you drop a piano down a mine shaft?
A: A flat miner.
DennethMayhem ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 14:15:52 on February 19, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I always preferred:
"What's a canary's favourite musical note?
A flat minor"
JVM_ ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:39:33 on February 22, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Q: What do you get when you drop a piano on a army base? A: A flat major.
Campellarino ยท 20 points ยท Posted at 02:27:39 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I dreamt I wrote Lord of the Rings last night.
I was Tolkien in my sleep.
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:55:10 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Best joke on here
sliceoflife77 ยท 9 points ยท Posted at 23:08:20 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
How do you know if it's raining cats and dogs? You step in a poodle.
esemef ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 04:57:40 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I don't mind if it rains cats and dogs, so long as it doesn't rain deer.
PM_Me_Things_Yo_Like ยท 10 points ยท Posted at 23:30:23 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Q: What's green and has wheels?
A: Grass
A: ...
A: I lied about the wheels.
Factsuvlife ยท 82 points ยท Posted at 15:11:09 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Two fish are in a tank.
One says to the other "How do you drive this thing?"
kurosen ยท 39 points ยท Posted at 16:49:55 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
The other one says "Wow! A talking fish!"
Rock_Me-Amadeus ยท 19 points ยท Posted at 22:19:02 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Two soldiers are in a tank. One turns to the other and says "waaaaargarbl?"
european_impostor ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:32:08 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Too meta
cowboyecosse ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 23:09:11 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Bill & Ben are in the bath. Bill farts and ben says "about half past seven"
Social_Turtle ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:19:35 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
It's painful that I don't get this one.
sdvr1 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 01:30:17 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Something to do with the clock tower?
cowboyecosse ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 17:50:38 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Bill and ben talk like "flobbleobbadob" ie, the sound farts make in the bath. ๐
Leaga ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 23:36:59 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I always tell this joke as "You drive! I'll man the guns!" To me it's funnier because for a moment I get to play the role of a fish really excited to fire off large caliber weapons.
OrangeSail ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 06:47:28 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
On a similar note:
Two muffins were in an oven. One says to the other, "boy, it sure is hot in here." The other muffin replies, "OH MY GOSH A TALKING MUFFIN!"
Factsuvlife ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 14:58:14 on February 16, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
This was on here somewhere. It got over 1000 up-votes :)
OrangeSail ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:09:51 on February 16, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Yeah, I saw it after I commented.
Gregoryv022 ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 22:21:41 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Followed by,
Two soldiers are in a Tank. One says to the other, "BLURBLLUBLDJUBLULURLUFU"
MedicsOfAnarchy ยท 10 points ยท Posted at 20:59:44 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Three pieces of string walk into a bar, hop up on stools. "Gimme drinks" says one string. The bartender stares in disbelief, then finally says, "I ain't serving no strings in my bar, people would call me crazy!" And he throws them out onto the sidewalk.
The strings get up and dust themselves off. Two are about to leave when the third says, "Wait a minute, I got an idea."
The third string throws himself repeatedly to the ground, runs up against the brick wall of the bar, and generally beats himself up. Then he twists and turns until he's looped around himself.
He walks into the bar and hops onto a bar stool. "Gimme a drink!" he says.
"Say," says the bartender. "Ain't you one of them strings I just threw out?"
"No, I'm a frayed knot."
Lothspell ยท 9 points ยท Posted at 00:58:52 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Note: this joke only works in the delivery, and doesn't work as a written joke, however, it is probably one of my favorite jokes of all time. Delivery is KEY, and it can actually take a little practice
Why can't Norwegians tell good jokes?Timing.
The key is to say "Timing" almost immediately, but not so quickly that people can't tell you've stated 2 sentences in the form of a question and answer. Too quickly, and it comes off like a single sentence to the listener and they don't understand what you just said. Too late and it just sounds like normal speech. Also, sub "Norwegians" for any group you want.
Seventh_Planet ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 09:20:53 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
So bein a good joke teller with good timing involves being good at timing this joke badly?
Lothspell ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:20:59 on February 20, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
exactly!
hothousegrower ยท 9 points ยท Posted at 03:19:39 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Two cats are walking along the beach, one is named one, two, three and the other is un, deux, trois. Suddenly the tide comes in really quickly. Swimming for their lives, only one of them makes it to shore. Which cat survived?
The english cat of course. Un, deux, trois cat sank.
[deleted] ยท 8 points ยท Posted at 04:43:54 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
this is all in the delivery and not the reading.
what's Whitney Houston's favorite type of coordination?
Hand-eyeeeeee-ye-eyeeeeee
kpatable ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 04:57:42 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
That's pretty good
squishybewbz ยท 8 points ยท Posted at 05:56:20 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Read quite a few and didn't see this one
What's a pirates favorite letter? (Should the person responding not be lame they'll say) aaaaaRRRRRR
To which you immediately fire back with (in a pirate accent of course) "No... Tis the Sea!!"
lovelylady227 ยท 29 points ยท Posted at 21:12:40 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
A man and his friend walk into a bar. The first guy says "I'll have an H2O."
The second nods and says, "I'll take an H2O, too."
The second man is no longer with us.
Papajon87 ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 02:22:54 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
My favorite lab joke...I'm a maintenance man at a lab.
Kale ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 15:57:23 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Dr. Johnson is now gone from us,
His cheery face we'll see no more.
He thought he was drinking H2O,
But it was H2SO4.
lovelylady227 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:01:10 on February 14, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Hahaha. "Kale." I hate kale. Blegh.
Kale ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:28:18 on February 14, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Never had it myself. I registered this name 9 years ago after watching Titan A.E.
LuckyGreenLizard ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 09:11:37 on March 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I prefer this version.
Two scientists walk into a bar.
The first scientist says โIโll have a glass of H2Oโย .
The second scientist says โIโll have a glass of water too. Whโฆ why did you say H2O? Like, I know itโs the chemical formula for water and all, but itโs the end of the day and thereโs really no need to intentionally over-complicate things like that in a situation outside of workโย .
The first scientist stares at his drink, angry that his assassination plan has failed.
lovelylady227 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 04:58:49 on March 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Haha that's great!
bawz84 ยท 16 points ยท Posted at 00:01:55 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I went to a camping convention. It was in tents.
pianoman1291 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 06:16:45 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I once organized a convention for men with erectile dysfunction. It was a bug flop.
Nilliak ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 14:59:27 on February 15, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I tried to hold one of those myself, but nobody came
[deleted] ยท 17 points ยท Posted at 01:44:04 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Pavlov walks into a bar. As he does, a bell above the front door sounds.
He immediately turns around and says "Uhoh, it's time to feed the dogs!"
Sir_Giraffe161 ยท 17 points ยท Posted at 06:22:11 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
What's the difference between a chemist and a plumber?
The way they pronounce unionized.
Bill93 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 08:24:38 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Brilliant!
showbizzo ยท 9 points ยท Posted at 20:08:29 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Did you hear about the guy who got fired from the calendar factory? He just took one day off.
ThePandaa ยท 9 points ยท Posted at 01:17:52 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I got this from /u/emwilauka About a year ago when this same question was asked.
A cop is sitting in his usual speed trap spot and sees a truck drive by with the back full of penguins. He is understandably perplexed so he pulls the truck over.
"Excuse me sir, but why do you have all those penguins in the back of your truck?"
"I'm sorry officer, but I just don't know what to do with them!"
Incredulous, the officer responds, "take them to the zoo!"
The driver thanks the officer and drives off. The next day the cop is in the same spot and dang-it-all if that same truck doesn't drive by again, but this time the penguins are all wearing sunglasses. The frustrated cop again pulls the truck over.
"I thought I told you to take those penguins to the zoo!"
"I did officer, today we're going to the beach!"
elgrecoFL ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 01:27:05 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I was just about to post this one :). Love it.
fuzzpimp ยท 8 points ยท Posted at 01:25:37 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
What do you call a bear with no teeth??
A gummy bear.
Theodore9619 ยท 8 points ยท Posted at 02:39:56 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Two fish are swimming up a river until they hit a concrete wall one fish turns to the other fish and says damn.
prettywantstoknow ยท 9 points ยท Posted at 04:00:52 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Why should you never shower with a Pokรฉmon in the house? He might Picachu.
noware6 ยท 7 points ยท Posted at 04:12:55 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Sixteen sodium atoms walk into a bar followed by Batman.
Coptimus_Prime ยท 9 points ยท Posted at 10:51:30 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
When does a regular joke become a dad-joke? When the punchline becomes apparent.
[deleted] ยท 36 points ยท Posted at 16:39:21 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
How do you make a hanky dance?
Put a little boogie in it
rahyveshachr ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 00:01:58 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
lol this was my favorite crass joke as a kid. I got my best friend to laugh for like 5 minutes with it.
devilsadvocate09 ยท 72 points ยท Posted at 14:40:18 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
-What do you call cheese that is not yours?
-Nachyo cheese!
UnknownUser404 ยท 25 points ยท Posted at 14:49:43 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Hold on... let's taco 'bout this.
scarletphantom ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 16:00:15 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Lettuce not bean sour about this
hunertproof ยท 11 points ยท Posted at 16:03:12 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I didn't mean to get jalapeno business.
[deleted] ยท 9 points ยท Posted at 16:04:09 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
[deleted]
Hey_I_Work_Here ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 20:01:59 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I love food puns, they always make me laugh. Burrito.
IntHatBar ยท -3 points ยท Posted at 15:13:48 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Icy what you did there.
vxicepickxv ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 04:07:01 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
You should have said Icee, not Icy.
IntHatBar ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 20:51:57 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Tell that to the Canadians eh?
JMGurgeh ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 00:20:10 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
In that vein, I ran across a restaurant once called Nacho Mama. Pretty good name.
ptb3 ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 22:55:47 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
They don't want you to have nachos
voxanimi ยท 8 points ยท Posted at 21:07:48 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
"I don't know why, Doc, but I can't get 'What's new, pussy cat?' out of my head."
"Hmm, you might have Tom Jones Syndrome."
"Tom Jones Syndrome? Is that common?"
"It's not unusual."
jbritt1 ยท 7 points ยท Posted at 02:40:54 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
What's in the center of a jellyfish? It's jelly button.
[deleted] ยท 7 points ยท Posted at 02:52:38 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
"Dad, I'm cold"
"Go stand in the corner, I hear it's 90 degrees"
Dreamspitter ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:58:36 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
XD
[deleted] ยท 8 points ยท Posted at 08:44:59 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
[deleted]
DonkeyDD ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 08:23:18 on February 14, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
How many ears does spock have? 3. Left ear, right ear and space, the final Frontier
GreenRanger90 ยท 13 points ยท Posted at 02:36:00 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Two cannibals are eating Amy Schumer. One turns to the other and says "Does this taste funny to you?" The other says "No."
Murais ยท 11 points ยท Posted at 03:26:30 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Best knock-knock joke I was ever told:
"Knock-Knock!"
"Who's there?"
Say nothing. Pause. Look at this person blankly. Do nothing. Wait.
The next part takes some comedic timing. Wait until the conversation moves on, preferably with others friends around you. When the time is right (not too long, not too soon), blurt out:
"... A SNAIL!"
Fix yourself with the smarmiest, "I'm-a-cheeky-bastard" look you can muster.
People fucking DIE when you do it right.
[deleted] ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 01:37:29 on February 14, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
[deleted]
yawnston ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 07:53:23 on February 14, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Did you die?
Knives_Ciao ยท 17 points ยท Posted at 16:55:50 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Why was the cemetery so loud?
Because of all the coffin
Rhystic ยท 21 points ยท Posted at 00:31:57 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
What do gay horses eat?
Haaaaaaaaaaayyyyyy
tbay-jake ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 05:40:26 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
hey hey hey heeeeeeeeeyyyy
Laez ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 04:07:49 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
What do Gay roosters eat? Cock.
poptimist ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 08:38:06 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
What do lesbian horses eat?
Pussy.
priezy ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 19:42:31 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
What do you call a cow with no legs?
Ground beef.
Mo0oG ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 19:53:26 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
What did one strawberry say to the other strawberry? "If you weren't so fresh, we wouldn't be in this jam"
Vagab0nd_Pirate ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 22:46:34 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Why do bicycles need kickstands?
Because they're two tired.
hacksauce ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 23:21:17 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
When in bear country it's very important to carry pepper spray, put bells on your clothes, and recognize bear scat. The bells will alert bears that you're in the area, the pepper spray will chase them off if they get close, and you can recognize bear scat because it smells like pepper and has bells in it.
alascass ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 23:57:01 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
What do you get when you cross an ape and a pie?
A meringue-atang.
[deleted] ยท 7 points ยท Posted at 00:54:11 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Why did the post man fall off his bike?
Cause someone threw a fridge at him
logicallyillogical ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 00:55:37 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Ask me if I'm a fire truck.
Huh?
ASK ME IF I'M A FIRE TRUCK!
Are you a fire truck?
no
JayReddt ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 01:08:47 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
The most Dad joke I know:
When you get asked:
Did you get your hair cut?
You respond:
No. I got them all cut.
Houstace ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 05:02:41 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
It's better if you're asked "Did you get a haircut?"
[deleted] ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 01:32:32 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Why don't blind people go skydiving?
It scares the dogs.
alphafishmitten ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 01:34:28 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
What do clouds wear under their pants?
Thunderwear
wagiwombledog ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 02:13:50 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
A poem
I dug, You dug, He dug, She dug, They dug, We dug.
Not very good but pretty deep.
VictorBravoX ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 09:23:59 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Did you know a deer can jump higher then a house? This is due to the deers large rear leg muscles. And also because houses can't jump.
thecockmeister ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 17:08:58 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Once upon a time, in the purple kingdom of Purpalon, there lived a purple king. One purple day this purple King, who was purply named Purple Purple the fifth, called his purple son, the purple prince Purple Purple the sixth, over to his purple side.
"My purple son," the purple king said to purple prince Purple Purple the sixth, "in another purple kingdom a very short purple distance away there lives another purple king. This purple king has a purple princess that I think that you should marry. Here she is, the purple Princess Purplina Purple of Purplonia."
Purple prince Purple Purple the sixth, upon seeing the purple princess Purplina Purple of Purplonia, agreed to marry her. And so, one fine purple day, in the purple garden, Prince Purple Purple the sixth and stood by the purple altar and watched his purple bride-to-be, the purple princess Purplina Purple of Purplonia, march down the purple aisle wearing a purple wedding dress and carrying a bouquet of purple flowers. Just as the purple princess Purplina Purple of Purplonia reached the purple altar, however, an evil purple magician appeared and cast a purple spell on the purple princess. In a purply moment, the purple princess Purplina Purple of Purplonia had vanished.
"What have you done?" cried the purple prince Purple Purple the sixth.
"I have sent the purple princess Purplina Purple of Purplonia to a purple cave in the purple mountain Mount Purpletop. There, in her purple cave, she is guarded by the purple dragon Purplefang. The purple princess Purplina Purple of Purplonia is purply safe there, but the purple dragon Purplefang, will not let her rejoin the purple kingdoms of Purpalon and Purplonia."
"You are purply insane," the purple prince Purple Purple the sixth said to the Purple magician, but the purple magician had vanished.
"What are you going to do, my purple son?" the purple king Purple Purple the fifth of Purpalon asked his son, the purple prince Purple Purple the sixth.
"I am going to take my purple horse, Purple Lightning, and my purple sword, Purple Death, and go slay the purple dragon Purplefang and rescue the fair purple maiden the purple princess Purplina Purple of Purplonia."
"May the purple God speed you well on your purple journey," the purple king Purple Purple the fifth of Purpalon purply blessed his purple son, the purple prince Purple Purple the sixth. With that, the purple prince Purple Purple the sixth got his purple sword, Purple Death, and his purple horse, Purple Lightning, and rode off to the purple mountain of Mount Purpletop and the purple cave thereon, in which lived the purple dragon Purplefang and his purple prisoner the purple princess Purplina Purple of Purplonia.
The purple hero of this purple story, the purple prince Purple Purple the sixth of Purpalon, rode his purple horse Purple Lightning over many purple miles over many purple roads and through many purple fields. He crossed many purple streams and many purple mountains, though none of them were the purple mountain of Mount Purpletop and the purple cave thereon, in which lived the purple dragon Purplefang and his purple prisoner the purple princess Purplina Purple of Purplonia. When the purple prince Purple Purple the sixth crossed these purple mountains, he trudged his way through purple snow. Purple sand lined the purple deserts he crossed, and there was purple water in the purple oasises.
Eventually, the purple horse Purple Lightning got tired, so the purple prince Purple Purple the sixth carried his purple horse Purple Lightning over many purple miles over many purple roads and through many purple fields. He crossed many purple streams and many purple mountains, though none of them were the purple mountain of Mount Purpletop and the purple cave thereon, in which lived the purple dragon Purplefang and his purple prisoner the purple princess Purplina Purple of Purplonia. When the purple prince Purple Purple the sixth crossed these purple mountains, he trudged his way through purple snow. Purple sand lined the purple deserts he crossed, and there was purple water in the purple oasises.
Finally, the Purple prince Purple Purple the sixth reached the purple mountain Mount Purpletop. There, in a purple cave on top of the purple mountain, Prince Purple Purple the sixth of Purpalon could see the purple smoke from the purple dragon Purplefang who lived in the purple cave in which the purple princess Purplina Purple of Purplonia was a purple prisoner. Our purple hero, the purple prince Purple Purple the sixth of Purpalon, climbed the purple mountain Mount Purpletop and slew the purple dragon Purplefang as the purple beast slept purply. The purple prince Purple Purple the sixth of Purpalon rescued the purple princess Purplina Purple of Purplonia. But their purple adventures were not yet come to their purple close. They still had to get home purple and sound.
So...
The purple hero of this purple story, the purple prince Purple Purple the sixth of Purpalon, and the newly rescued purple heroine, the purple princess Purplina Purple of Purplonia, rode the purple horse Purple Lightning over many purple miles over many purple roads and through many purple fields. He crossed many purple streams and many purple mountains, though none of them were the same purple mountain of Mount Purpletop which in the purple cave thereon the purple prince Purple Purple the sixth slew the purple dragon Purplefang and rescued the purple prisoner the purple princess Purplina Purple of Purplonia. When the purple prince Purple Purple the sixth crossed these purple mountains, he trudged his way through purple snow. Purple sand lined the purple deserts he crossed, and there was purple water in the purple oasises.
Eventually, the purple horse Purple Lightning got tired, so the purple prince Purple Purple the sixth carried his purple horse Purple Lightning and the newly rescued purple heroine, the purple princess Purplina Purple of Purplonia, over many purple miles over many purple roads and through many purple fields. He crossed many purple streams and many purple mountains, though none of them were the same purple mountain of Mount Purpletop which in the purple cave thereon the purple prince Purple Purple the sixth slew the purple dragon Purplefang and rescued the purple prisoner the purple princess Purplina Purple of Purplonia. When the purple prince Purple Purple the sixth crossed these purple mountains, he trudged his way through purple snow. Purple sand lined the purple deserts he crossed, and there was purple water in the purple oasises.
Eventually, The purple hero of this purple story, the purple prince Purple Purple the sixth of Purpalon, got tired, so the newly rescued purple heroine, the purple princess Purplina Purple of Purplonia, carried the purple horse Purple Lightning and the purple prince Purple Purple the sixth of Purpalon over many purple miles over many purple roads and through many purple fields. She crossed many purple streams and many purple mountains, though none of them were the same purple mountain of Mount Purpletop which in the purple cave thereon the purple prince Purple Purple the sixth slew the purple dragon Purplefang and rescued the purple prisoner the purple princess Purplina Purple of Purplonia. When the purple prince Purple Purple the sixth crossed these purple mountains, he trudged his way through purple snow. Purple sand lined the purple deserts he crossed, and there was purple water in the purple oasises.
Purple alases and purple alaks, though, for it seems our purple heroes, the purple prince Purple Purple the sixth of Purpalon and the purple princess Purplina Purple of Purplonia got lost on their way home, for they wandered into the purple kingdom of an evil purple king, the evil purple king Purple Purponovov of Purplovia. This evil purple man had the purple heroes,the purple prince Purple Purple the sixth of Purpalon and the purple princess Purplina Purple of Purplonia, arrested and thrown into the purple dungeon. Just before the evil purple king Purple Purponovov of Purplovia threw them in, however, he said....
"Indigo."
[deleted] ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 09:27:13 on August 9, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
This one is one of my favorites: Holmes and Watson go on a camping trip. After a heavy dinner and a good bottle of wine they retire for the night. At around 3 a.m. Holmes wakes Watson:
"Watson, look at the sky and tell me what you see"
"I can see the stars"
Holmes response: "what does that tell you?"
He ponders upon it for a minute before giving his answer: "Astronomically, that there are potentially billions of stars and planets" "Astrologically, Saturn is in Leo" "Horologically, the time is a little past 3" "Theologically, I see that God is all powerful and we are insignificant" "Meteorologically, I believe tomorrow will be a beautiful day" "What does it tell you Holmes?" Holmes remained silent for a moment, then spoke: "Watson, you idiot. Someone has stolen our tent."
๐๏ธ Alkomb ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 09:47:04 on August 9, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Wow, that's awesome, ha. Thanks! 1st time up-voting someone/something on here in ages!
SanJuan_GreatWhites ยท 11 points ยท Posted at 02:02:31 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
What's brown and rhymes with Snoop?
Dr. Dre
asaminakhan ยท 10 points ยท Posted at 18:44:10 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Frankenstein entered a body building contest and realized he severely misunderstood the objective. EDIT: Frankenstein the doctor
clonewars1977 ยท 10 points ยท Posted at 21:49:29 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Skeleton walks into a bar. Says to the bartender, "I'd like a glass of water and a mop."
kiwikx ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 16:30:31 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Why did the scarecrow get a promotion? Because he was out standing in his field.
Ennion ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 18:05:13 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
How do you wake up lady gaga? You poke poke poke her face.
AmericanWasted ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 18:19:43 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
A guy goes to his psychiatrist because he's having trouble sleeping. He says "Doc - I've been having the strangest dreams: two nights ago I dreamt I was a wig-wam and last night I dreamt I was a tee-pee." The psychiatrist thinks for a moment and says "I know exactly what's wrong with you - you are too tense" (two tents).
Sadtomato8 ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 18:51:22 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Did you hear about those corduroy pillows?
They're making all the headlines.
straq ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 19:51:28 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
What is the difference between between a hippo and a zippo?
One is really heavy,
and the other one is a little lighter.
Mollywobbles225 ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 21:43:01 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)*
A panda walks into a restaurant and sits down at a table. He has a nice meal, and when he is finished, he stands up, shoots his waiter, and walks out the door. The owner of the restaurant runs out after the panda and yells, "What just happened!? Why did you shoot my waiter!?"
The panda responds, "I'm a panda. Look me up in the dictionary."
The owner runs back into the restaurant, finds a dictionary, and looks up the word "panda".
"Panda: a large land mammal with distinct black-and-white coloration that eats shoots and leaves." ("eats, shoots and leaves")
This is one you have to tell out loud, but it's always been one of my favorites.
EDIT: I did a dumb. A couple of them, actually.
IFreakinLovePi ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 06:18:49 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Pandas aren't marsupials. They're true bears in the family Ursidae.
And yes, I'm super fun at parties.
Kiwilolo ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 06:19:54 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
A panda isn't a marsupial and it eats shoots, not chutes.
Mollywobbles225 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 06:35:49 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Oops. Gonna fix that, then.
virgilreality ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 22:08:26 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
News flash: overnight, thieves broke into the new police station and stole all of the toilet seats.
Police have nothing to go on...
pmilander ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 00:10:54 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
A man returns to his friends house to tell him that he had to shoot the his hunting dog that the friend had borrowed. The upset friend said why did you shoot my dog? The friend said " well we went to the first brush pile and he barked twice and two sucks flew out, then at the next brush pile he barked three times and three ducks flew out, then we got to the third brush pile and he ran into it and came out with a stick shaking his head like crazy, I assumed he was ill and shot him". No cried the friend, he was telling you that there were more ducks than you could shake a stick at
zinc_cheesecake ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 00:11:51 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
What's a caterpillar afraid of?
A dogerpillar
Lifehitslikewood ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 01:11:44 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Teacher is handing back test papers Gives two boys in the back of her class theirs, all the same answers, one A, one F. The boy who failed exclaims! Hey! This isn't fair! We had all the same answers and you gave ME an F. The teacher calmly says
"You cheated, you copied Timmys test"
The boy protests "no I didn't!"
Teacher explains "For number ten, Timmy wrote down 'I don't know.' "
"Yeah?"
"And you put down 'neither do I.' "
peligant ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 01:15:46 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
A guy walks into a bar with a pair of jumper cables. The bar tender says "Listen, I'm going to server you, but you better not try to start anything."
you_are_beauty ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 01:48:34 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Have you heard the joke about the pencil with no lead? ...Yeah, it's pointless.
Have you heard the joke about the philosophical cloud? ...Yeah, it's over your head.
Have you heard the news about the Giant with diarrhea? ...Yeah, it's all over town.
skullshank ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 02:01:13 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
How do you make a snail fast?
Dont feed it.
absoluteboredom ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 02:41:58 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Two muffins sitting in an oven, one turns to the other and says, "is it just me or is out hot in here?" The other one shouts, "woah, a taking muffin!!!".
TheHallows_ ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 03:23:38 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
How did the serial killer get into the woods?
He took the psychopath.
DashboardIcon ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 04:31:30 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Late to the party but here's my favorite.
What's green and fuzzy, has four legs, and would kill you if it fell out of a tree?
A pool table.
nimrod ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 04:46:45 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I keep seeing the brown and sticky joke, but not the (arguably better) follow up.
What's pink and slippery?
A slipper.
zokotel ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 04:48:14 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Or the classic, what's round and naughty? A naught.
kpatable ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 04:56:39 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Brown and sticky is a good one.
raindropmachine ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 05:27:35 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
What mouse walks on two legs? Mickey Mouse! What dog walks on two legs? Goofy! What duck walks on two legs? All of them.
Originalfrozenbanana ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 05:38:26 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Not mine, from the this same post last year. Credit goes to /u/robotnixon
Reminds me of the Dave joke.
Dave was bragging to his boss one day, โYou know, I know everyone there is to know. Just name someone, anyone, and I know them.โ
Tired of his boasting, his boss called his bluff, โOK, Dave, how about Tom Cruise?โ
โNo dramas boss, Tom and I are old friends, and I can prove it.โ So Dave and his boss fly out to Hollywood and knock on Tom Cruiseโs door and Tom Cruise shouts, โDave! Whatโs happening? Great to see you! Come on in for a beer!
Although impressed, Daveโs boss is still sceptical. After they leave Cruiseโs house, he tells Dave that he thinks him knowing Cruise was just lucky. โNo, no, just name anyone else,โ Dave says.
โPresident Bush,โ his boss quickly retorts.
โYup,โ Dave says, โOld buddies, letโs fly out to Washington.โ And off they go. At the White House, Bush spots Dave on the tour and motions him and his boss over, saying, โDave, what a surprise, I was just on my way to a meeting, but you and your friend come on in and letโs have a cup of coffee first and catch up.โ
Well, the boss is very shaken by now but still not totally convinced.
After they leave the White House grounds he expresses his doubts to Dave, who again implores him to name anyone else.
โThe Pope,โ his boss replies.
โSure!โ says Dave. โIโve known the Pope for years.โ So off they fly to Rome.
Dave and his boss are assembled with the masses at the Vatican when Dave says,โThis will never work. I canโt catch the Popeโs eye among all these people. Tell you what, I know all the guards so let me just go upstairs and Iโll come out on the balcony with the Pope.โ
He disappears into the crowd headed towards the Vatican. Sure enough, half an hour later Dave emerges with the Pope on the balcony, but by the time Dave returns, he finds that his boss has passed out and is surrounded by paramedics.
Making his way to his bossโ side, Dave asks him, โWhat happened?โ
His boss looks up and says, โIt was the final straw โ you and the Pope came out on the balcony and the man next to me said, โWho the hell is that on the balcony with Dave?โ
pcspain ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 05:46:32 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
What did one casket say to the other casket? "Is that you coffin?"
Also
How do you get a baby astronaut to sleep? You rocket.
Thanks Laffy Taffy.
MoXxXxXx ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 05:48:38 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Driving past a cemetery my grandma goes, "people are dying to get in there."
Pseudank ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 06:01:35 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
What do you call a tiny tsunami? A microwave.
Sleeptrumpsmeat ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 06:06:07 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
What do you call a Frenchman wearing sandals?
Felipe Filoppe
[deleted] ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 17:54:31 on February 14, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Basic french joke:
Two cats were trying to cross a river. The first was named One, two, three and the second was named Une, deux, trios.
Which cat made it a across?
One, two, three made it across because Une, deux, trios, quatre, cinc. Une, deux, trios, cat, sank.
๐๏ธ Alkomb ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:47:23 on February 15, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I don't get it, sorry.
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 04:44:53 on February 15, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
The spoiler is how the counting in french is pronounced. It basically implied that the cat named Une, deux, trios sank trying to cross the river.
๐๏ธ Alkomb ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 10:58:23 on February 15, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
oh, right, sorry. & ah, thanks!
Yhgfdgg ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 05:11:46 on August 10, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
What's a pirate's favourite letter??
You'd think it'd be R, but his first love be the C.
๐๏ธ Alkomb ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:45:47 on August 10, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Ha, that's awesome! Thanks!
Dastardlydoom ยท 13 points ยท Posted at 17:07:40 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
A man goes into a bar and orders a beer. While the bartender is filling his order, he hears someone say to him "geez, you look great! That haircut is very flattering, have you lost weight?" the man looks around and sees no one. Again, he hears the voice "You're the smartest person ever! and handsome too." When the bartender gets back, the man asks him who is saying all of these nice things. The Bartender points to the bowl in front of him "It's the peanuts, they're complimentary"
vvvvvan ยท 27 points ยท Posted at 17:37:44 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
What's invisible and smells like carrots? Bunny farts.
CheeseGetsMeHard ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 04:37:00 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I wish bunny farts smelled like carrots.
vvvvvan ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 06:37:15 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Hadn't thought about the actual odor. I still like the joke. One more thing for my bucket list.
White_Swing ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 20:15:29 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
This is the best one.
vvvvvan ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 06:39:23 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I still laugh like a five year old when I tell it and I tell it often.
BasedPontiff ยท 34 points ยท Posted at 14:46:05 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
The door is ajar - no it's not, it's a door!
BuddhasPalm ยท 57 points ยท Posted at 16:17:42 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I've always heard it as, "when is a door not a door?"
when its ajar
tehlaser ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:15:07 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
That can happen if you mess up your jamb.
TheLobstrosity ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:45:18 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Relevant username.
BuddhasPalm ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 05:06:03 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Aye, that it is Sai!
TheLobstrosity ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:57:07 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Ka brought me to this comment, so it did.
WingsOfDespair ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 12:13:57 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Long days and pleasant nights!
Papajon87 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:09:57 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
My mom said this to me when I didn't close the back of our 1984 dodge minivan. Man we had painted the ceiling with blue house paint to keep the insulation from falling. Thank you for the good ol' memories.
tludwins539 ยท 10 points ยท Posted at 23:12:21 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Why do scuba divers fall backwards off the boat?
If they fell forward, they'd still be in the boat.
Imteamawesome ยท 9 points ยท Posted at 23:30:35 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
How does the man on the moon cut his hair?
Eclipse it.
LabKitty ยท 14 points ยท Posted at 14:51:49 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Why don't cannibals eat clowns?
They taste funny.
Red_AtNight ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 19:18:46 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
What's a cannibal's favourite sauce?
Red eye reduction
[deleted] ยท 22 points ยท Posted at 15:33:07 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
[deleted]
brannana ยท 30 points ยท Posted at 19:37:43 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
-Knock knock...
-Who's there?
-Control freak. Now here's where you say 'control freak, who?'
Rock_Me-Amadeus ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 22:16:54 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Thank you. This is going to get used in the office on Monday
Rock_Me-Amadeus ยท 8 points ยท Posted at 22:18:06 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Knock knock
Who's there?
Interrupting coefficient of static friction
Interrupting coefficient of static fric-
Muuuuuuu
craftyrunner ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:12:30 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I scrolled through a gadzillion comments just to make sure this joke was here. Thank you sir.
BustRush ยท 8 points ยท Posted at 15:50:13 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Where do generals keep their armies?
In their sleevies.
kingjoedirt ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 19:37:39 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Where did Hitler keep his armies?
Poland
mattlag ยท -1 points ยท Posted at 17:37:04 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Do you mean 'arms'? Because arms could be guns or appendages...
g33kdad95330 ยท 8 points ยท Posted at 23:08:50 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Q: What do you call a dog with no legs?
A: Doesn't matter, he's not going to come anyway.
AND
Q: How many Germans does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: One. Germans are efficient and not very funny.
Happy_Laugh_Guy ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 20:11:51 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
What blue and smells like red paint?
Blue paint.
Leman_Russ40K ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 23:42:55 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Hella late!!
What's the best part about living in Sweden?
I don't know either, but the flag is a plus!
[deleted] ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 01:42:42 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
What do you call Batman when he skips church?
Christian Bale.
iamagainstit ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 02:09:04 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
what is the difference between a hippo and a zippo?
one is very heavy and the other is a little lighter!
Failingasleep ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 02:16:59 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
One snowman turns to another and says "smells like carrots"
Grawlixz ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 02:25:38 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Probably too late but...
Knock Knock
Who's there?
I eat mop.
I eat mop who?
You eat your poo?
econjen ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 02:40:02 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Have you seen the new pirate movie? It's rated ARRRRR!
Fallingoutthewindow ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 02:46:32 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
What do you call a woodpecker with no beak?
Headbanger
PaleAsDeath ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 02:52:24 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
A pirate walks into a bar wearing a paper towel on his head. The bar tender goes "what's that?" Pirate says "Thar be a bounty on me head!"
partytax ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 03:09:19 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Pete and Repeat were in a boat. Pete fell out, who was left?
Themalelatias ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:32:22 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
repeat
partytax ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:07:01 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Pete and Repeat were in a boat. Pete fell out. Who was left?
Themalelatias ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:54:30 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
i lol'd. also, WHO NAMES THEIR KID REPEAT? it's weird, but funny
partytax ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:05:50 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Pete and Repeat were in a boat. Pete fell out. Who was left?
Jarom2 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 22:38:29 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Pete and Repeat were in a boat. Pete fell out. Who was left?
Recoveringfrenchman ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 03:16:02 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
What kind of bees make milk?
BOOBIES!
Fate_here ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 03:37:46 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
People say I'm condescending.
That means I talk down to others.
[deleted] ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 03:39:42 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)*
[deleted]
microdon23 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 03:45:37 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
HA. Duh..
Lickety_Slit ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 03:39:51 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
What does the buffalo say when he drops his kid off at school?
Bison.
[deleted] ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 05:05:28 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
My favorite joke ever goes along the lines of this:
A Mexican magician says that he'll disappear on the count of three.
"Uno... dos..." POOF!
He disappeared without a tres.
I'm not sure if that's exactly it but it still made me laugh
slowshot ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 05:24:22 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
What do you call the lady with one long leg and one short leg?
Eileen.
What do you call the same woman in Japan?
Irene.
PuffPuffMcGruff3 ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 05:24:34 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
What's the German word for constipation?
FarFromPoopen
nomadbynature120 ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 05:32:16 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
How do you find Will Smith in the snow? Look for the Fresh Prince.
barefoothillshippie ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 06:05:32 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)*
What kind of overalls does Mario wear? DENIM DENIM DENIM.
fax-on-fax-off ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 06:07:56 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I feel like calling every pun a "dad joke" is really getting annoying.
enzo32ferrari ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 06:11:48 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Wanna hear a word I just made up?
Plagiarism
PM_ME_HKT_PUFFIES ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 06:14:29 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
4 tomatoes in the desert, which one is the cowboy?
None of them, they are all redskins.
(This joke hasn't been told since the late 1960s)
Paradise420 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 06:16:10 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Awww good ol family rasicm
PM_ME_HKT_PUFFIES ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 07:15:51 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Racism consists of ideologies and practices that seek to justify, or cause, the unequal distribution of privileges or rights among groups that are conceptualized as racially or ethnically different.
yekim ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 08:28:23 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
What do you call a camel with no humps? Hump-free!
What do you call a fish with two knees? A two-knee fish!
What do you do if you break your toe? Call a Toe Truck!
RileyMcK ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 08:35:36 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
What do you call a Mexican man with a rubber toe?
Roberto.
nicholastjohnson ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 17:07:27 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Heisenberg, Schroedinger and Ohm are in a car.
They get pulled over. Heisenberg is driving, and the cop asks, 'Do you know how fast you were going?'
'No, but I know exactly where I am,' Heisenberg replies.
The cop says, 'you were doing 55 in a 35.' Heisenberg throws up his hands and shouts, 'Great! Now, I'm lost.'
The cop thinks this is suspicious and orders him to pop the trunk. He checks it out and says, 'Do you know you have a dead cat back here?'
'We do now, jerk!' Shouts Schroedinger.
The cop moves to arrest them. Ohm resists.
FinnscandianDerp ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 19:48:14 on February 20, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
What's the difference between a lobster with implants and a dirty bus stop?
One is a busty crustacean and one's a crusty bus station.
๐๏ธ Alkomb ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:02:08 on February 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I just heard this/that one, (for the 1st time, ever), just earlier, too. Ha.
[deleted] ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 02:32:01 on June 9, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
This one you need a few people around for effect.
Me: Hey I have a great knock knock joke, but you have to start
Friend: Okay, knock knock
Me: Who's there?
And then you stand there waiting until they get confused
๐๏ธ Alkomb ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:47:27 on June 9, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Ha, that's actually one of the best things that I've ever heard!
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 06:37:43 on June 9, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
There's not a person I haven't used it on that I've met.
๐๏ธ Alkomb ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 07:39:00 on June 9, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Ha, that's awesome.:o!
[deleted] ยท 21 points ยท Posted at 14:38:33 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
-Why did the sea bass have ice on its head?
-It had a haddock!
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:42:55 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I caught a see bass! See? Bass!
Theracistcupcake ยท 47 points ยท Posted at 14:53:33 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
None pizza with left beef.
NamelessMIA ยท 19 points ยท Posted at 16:46:46 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I don't get it
eladarling ยท 11 points ยท Posted at 18:28:21 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
This is the reference.
WowSoLawyer ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 00:59:32 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
http://knowyourmeme.com/memes/special-delivery-instructions
I had to look it up too
traugdor ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:33:33 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Same here. Can someone please explain?
iamliamiam ยท 9 points ยท Posted at 17:50:07 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
i googled it- someone ordered a pizza online, selecting "none" for everything (sauce, cheese, pepperoni etc...) except for beef, which was selected for only the left side excuse the tumblr link its the best i could find, don't worry its just the jpg
smelissy ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 16:12:57 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
YESSSSS
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:45:23 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
wat
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 21:54:07 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
What...
whatisthisidontevenf ยท 10 points ยท Posted at 15:28:03 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
How many tickles does it take to make an octopus laugh?
10 tickles
xTeriosx ยท -1 points ยท Posted at 18:25:58 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Alright Reize.
[deleted] ยท 13 points ยท Posted at 18:51:38 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
One my dad used to tell us as kids, would always crack us up.
A duck walks into a hardware store and asks the owner, "Hey, you got any grapes?"
Confused, the owner replies, "No... this is a hardware store. Why don't you try the supermarket?"
The duck goes, "Ok" and walks out.
The next day the duck returns to the hardware store. "Got any grapes?"
Impatiently "No," replies the owner. "I just told you yesterday. I don't sell grapes. This is a HARDWARE store."
Duck shrugs and leaves once more.
The third day, the duck returns. "Hey, mister. Got any grapes?"
With that, the store owner loses it. "NO! I DON'T SELL GRAPES! AND IF YOU COME BACK ONE MORE TIME I'M GOING TO NAIL YOUR WEBBED FEET TO THE FLOOR!"
Duck nods and leaves the store.
The next day, the owner sees the duck walk into his store. He's pissed and ready to throw this duck across the room.
"Hey mister," says the duck. "Do you got any nails?"
The owner is surprised. "Uh, let me check."
He goes to the back of the store, and notices the box of nails is empty. He returns to the duck with upturned arms.
"Sorry, Duck. Looks like I'm actually fresh out of nails. Maybe next week?"
"Huh," says the duck and looks around. "Then I just need one thing."
"Yes?" asks the owner.
"Got any grapes?"
[deleted] ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 22:55:41 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
[deleted]
PM_ME_WUTEVER ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 03:13:59 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
https://youtu.be/nVJrtDT7x1c
taurus972 ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 21:52:14 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
What do you call a French man wearing sandals?
Phillipรฉ Phillopรฉ.
goldie-gold ยท 7 points ยท Posted at 23:05:46 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Why did the baker have smelly hands? Because he kneaded a poo.
Pistashyo ยท 8 points ยท Posted at 23:18:52 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Why can't Stevie Wonder see his friends?
Because he's married.
Jarom2 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 22:39:46 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Why was Helen Keller bad at driving?
Because she was a woman.
shtoobins ยท 7 points ยท Posted at 01:01:38 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
What's the difference between an alligator and a crocodile?
One you'll see later the other you'll see in awhile.
[deleted] ยท 8 points ยท Posted at 03:05:03 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him a super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.
Mckenzie1998 ยท 7 points ยท Posted at 05:18:17 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
What do we want?
Low flying airplane noises!!
When do we want them?
NEEEEEOOOOOOWWW!!!!
Kaiser_Kuliwagen ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 13:57:36 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I cannot wait for my kid to be old enough to get this. It will be my first official dad joke.
pontificate38 ยท 9 points ยท Posted at 16:57:25 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Why is diarrhea genetic? Because it runs through your jeans(genes)!
[deleted] ยท 10 points ยท Posted at 17:33:03 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Whats red, but smells like blue paint?
Red paint
Astromachine ยท 20 points ยท Posted at 14:37:34 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I'm not even a dad and I still find Dad Jokes hilarious.
Thanatos-lives ยท 32 points ยท Posted at 18:20:23 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Hello Not even a dad, Nice to meet you. I'm Thanatos-lives
jcskarambit ยท 7 points ยท Posted at 00:53:57 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Hello Not Even. I'm glad to hear you're a father and have no problems locating Dad Jokes Hilarious.
cthulhu-kitty ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 02:04:58 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
... I don't get it.
seandfrancis ยท 10 points ยท Posted at 14:55:24 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
What did the farmer say when he lost his tractor?
Hey! Where's my tractor?!
TraceInSpace ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:08:46 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I don't get it
SonicRainboom24 ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 17:10:41 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
It's because he lost his tractor.
TraceInSpace ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:17:21 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
wat
SonicRainboom24 ยท 7 points ยท Posted at 17:20:26 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
He wants to find out where his tractor is so he can find it, because he currently doesn't know where it is.
harryhartounian ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 17:38:14 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Wait. What?
Generic_Username0 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 00:56:03 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
He can't find his tractor, so his first instinct is to get in his tractor to look for it. He can't do that because he can't find it.
Fritterbob ยท 10 points ยท Posted at 16:17:15 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Why do chickens coops only have two doors?
Because if they had four doors, they'd be chicken sedans.
SmegmaRoast ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:19:42 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
New favorite joke. Thank you.
rahyveshachr ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 00:01:04 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
In Europe there were a pair of identical twin boys born. Because of the situation the parents put them up for adoption. One boy was adopted by a family in Egypt and was named Amal. The other boy was adopted by a family in Spain and named Juan.
20 years later, Juan was able to make contact with his birth parents and sent them a picture. The mother was pleased and wondered what her other son looked like. The dad said "They're twins! Once you've seen Juan you've seen Amal!"
broganisms ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 00:21:37 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
What types of birds always stick together?
Vel-crows!
HarHarMegiddo ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 18:22:35 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Once my friends were trading stupid pun jokes back and forth, and one guy wasn't joining in. We kept trying to get something out of him and finally he was like "No. Corns aren't my field."
It is stupid but his totally deadpan delivery made it hilarious.
larrywasright ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 18:28:45 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
If April showers bring May flowers then what do May flowers bring? Pilgrims
ponyduder ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 18:52:48 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Why do bumble bees hum? 'Cause they don't know the words.
sturio ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 19:31:05 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Did you hear about the kidnapping at school?....... don't worry he woke up.
[deleted] ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 19:49:07 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
why did the cookie go to the doctor?
cause he felt crumby
_hi_im_troy_mcclure_ ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 20:08:28 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Did you hear about the magic tractor?
It turned into a field.
SBDD ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 20:32:04 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
A snail gets beat up by a gang of turtles. A policeman comes to interview a witness, who tells him, "I don't know-- it all happened so fast!" lol
breauxdle ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 20:38:24 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
They are finally making that movie about clocks........................it's about time
firefighterEMT414 ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 20:50:36 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Why does a chicken coop only have two doors?
Because if it had four doors it would be a chicken sedan.
ProbablyLegendary ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 20:51:29 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Why is a microwave so delicious?
Because of defrosting!
Nysoz ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 20:51:47 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
What does a gay horse eat?
Haaaaaaaaaay
Iamnotdaredevil ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 20:56:38 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Why do sharks swim in salt water?
Pepper water makes them sneeze!
gamesthatown ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 20:57:48 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
What's a body weigh without all the organs?
One skele-ton.
aezart ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 21:21:42 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
What do you call a room with no doors or windows?
A mushroom.
Full disclosure: I didn't fully get this joke as a kid, and would substitute "carrot room" or "apple room" for "mushroom"
Kaibunny143 ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 21:39:36 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
What's silent and smells like worms? Bird farts - Robin Williams
hamdinger125 ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 22:27:28 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Why can't Helen Keller have kids?
Because she's dead!
laner14 ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 22:48:33 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Why was the mushroom so popular at the party?
Cause he's a fungi
foo_man_who ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 23:44:49 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Acme and Smackme are on a boat. Acme fell off. "Who's left on the boat?"
(proceed to smack the person when he/she/unknown says "Smackme")
teleri_mm ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 23:51:45 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
So a city slicker got lost in the country and needed to find someone to ask for direction back to the highway. Luckily he sees a farmer standing under a tree near the road so he pulls over and goes up and leans on the fence. To his amazement he sees that the farmer is holding up a hog letting it eat apples off the tree! At a loss, the city slicker asked "Yo, buddy. I see your pig likes apples, but don't that take a lot of time?" to which the farmer replied "Whats time to a hog?"
Preemptive Edit: Thanks for the GOLD! (that will surly come)
[deleted] ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 23:58:32 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I don't care how surly you get, I'm not giving you gold.
[deleted] ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 00:03:17 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
The Aristocrats
Laez ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 04:18:27 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)*
Dude. G. There might be children reading!
Randomn355 ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 00:34:33 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
What do you call cheese that isn't yours? NACHO CHEESE
(It helps that "nacho cheese" is what the button at work says for cheese nachos - no matter how busy I am that gets a giggle out of me)
trystandshout ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 00:39:57 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
What does a nosy pepper do?
Gets jalapeรฑo business!
tunaMaestro97 ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 00:53:25 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Hey Ernie, ya want some ice cream? Sherbert.
Tanzianite ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 00:58:46 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
2 peanuts were walking down the street, 1 was asalted.
[deleted] ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 01:00:04 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
What's brown and sounds like a bell?
Dung
JonnyHopkins ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 01:03:11 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
How do you make a tissue dance?
Put a little boogie in it!
970 ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 01:07:45 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
What's the best thing about being a test tube baby?
You get a womb with a view.
eqleriq ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 01:20:50 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
What's brown and rhymes with snoop?
Dr. Dre
shepy66 ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 01:23:26 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
What happens when the frequency of your heartbeat increases too fast?
It hertz.
[deleted] ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 01:37:51 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
[deleted]
NotIdrisElba ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 01:46:06 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)*
How does a leopard changes its spots?
It moves.
stropes ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 01:50:32 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
What do you call someone with really good eyesight?
Spectocular!
Damasticator ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 02:05:54 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
What did 50 Cent say to his grandma when he saw her knitting a hat?
G-Unit?
Maxjones97 ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 02:06:45 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I would give you gold but I'm poor
Damasticator ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:51:04 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
It's the thought that counts. And also the gold. Everything counts.
Nwelbie ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 02:05:55 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
You know how a squirrel scratches his nuts?
<Scratch puffed out cheeks>
[deleted] ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 02:15:22 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
What is the first rule of being a plumber?
Never bite your fingernails. :D
funkyhamwich ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 02:28:30 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Why doesn't Matthew McConaughey's car turn left?
It only takes "alright alright alright"'s
erk155 ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 02:30:14 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Whats brown and sticky? a stick
BumbiBestie ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 02:30:20 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Want to hear a dirty joke? Two horses fell into a mud puddle.
NotSoSlenderMan ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 02:32:52 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
A Russian couple was walking down the street in St. Petersburg the other night, when the man felt a drop hit his nose. "I think it's raining," he said to his wife. "No, that felt more like snow to me," she replied. "No, I'm sure it was just rain, he said." Well, as these things go, they were about to have a major argument about whether it was raining or snowing. Just then they saw a minor communist party official walking toward them. "Let's not fight about it," the man said, "let's ask Comrade Rudolph whether it's officially raining or snowing." As the official approached, the man said, "Tell us, Comrade Rudolph, is it officially raining or snowing?" "It's raining, of course," he answered and walked on. But the woman insisted: "I know that felt like snow!" To which the man quietly replied: "Rudolph the Red knows rain, dear!"
thoomfish ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 02:40:05 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Knock knock.
Who's there?
To
To who?
To whom.
kebabdylan ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 02:56:34 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
A skeleton walks in to a bar. "I'll have a beer and a mop."
Permanentbarker ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 03:10:30 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Why don't you ever see elephants hiding in trees?
Because they are REALLY good at it.
[deleted] ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 03:17:24 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Two drums and a cymbal fell off a cliff.
Ba-dum tshh!
JJThatTallGuy ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 03:24:25 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
What does a Muslim train conductor say?
Allah board.
IComposeEFlats ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 03:30:06 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
How do you catch a unique rabbit? Unique up on it!
Okay, but how do you catch a tame rabbit? Tame way, unique up on it!
MySemanticSatiation ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 03:30:15 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
God runs up to Moses. He says, "I just made a 24 hour period of alternating light and dark on earth!" Moses says, "awesome, what are you going to do next?" God replies, "call it a day."
Notlonganymore ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 21:15:56 on August 2, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
You got three upvotes, and there is a front page post today getting like 5000 upvotes. I see you.
Falco1 ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 03:54:49 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
What did Batman tell Robin before they got in the car?
"Get in the car."
beer_is_tasty ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 03:55:00 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
ITT: lots of puns. Not that I mind; I love puns.
In fact, once I submitted ten separate puns to a joke contest, hoping that one would win... but no pun in ten did.
dinosaur_jam ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 03:58:51 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Have you heard the one about corduroy pillows? They're making headlines.
NOelmStreetK ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 03:59:40 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
What did the fish say when it swam into a wall? "dam"
GaryNOVA ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 04:00:10 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
A piece of string walks into a bar and orders a soda. The Bar tender yells "we don't serve string here!". The string leaves for a minute, twists himself up, and messes up his hair. After the string returned the bartender asked "Hey. You're not a string are you?". The string replied "No. I'm afraid not. (No. I'm a frayed knot)".
[deleted] ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 04:04:18 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
A horse walks into a bar, and the bartender says, "why the long face?"
beanie0911 ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 04:22:58 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
A blonde goes into the library and walks up to the circulation desk. She says to the librarian, "I'll have a cheeseburger and fries." The librarian looks around and then says, "Ma'am, this is a library." The blond looks embarrassed and then leans in and whispers softly, "I'll take a cheeseburger and fries."
A six year old told me that.
snake_case_me ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 04:29:47 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
How to catch a polar bear.
Cut a hole in the ice and line it with peas. Hide. When the polar bear comes to take a pea, you jump out and kick him in the ice hole!
Elefinorhino ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 04:51:50 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Two pretzels are walking down the street. One was assaulted!
megman13 ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 04:55:38 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
You may have noticed that often when geese fly in a "V" formation, one of the arms of the "V" is longer than the other- but have you ever wondered why that is?
Because there are more geese on that side.
appgrad22 ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 05:20:33 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I'm sure this will be buried, but a while back I started /r/shortcleanfunny for this type of thing!
IgnoranceandWant ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 05:22:58 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Two nuns are driving down a lonely, scary road when a vampire lunges out in front of their car. One nun says to the, "Show him your cross!" So the other nun sticks her head out the window and says, "Get outta the road, ya toothy git!"
innominateartery ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 05:34:07 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
What is a pirate's favorite letter?
(Someone usually says "arrrr" at this point)
spiralout1123 ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 05:40:45 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
You will not be disappointed...
Once upon a time in Cheerioland, there was a whole wheat Cheerio. Now in Cheerioland, whole wheat cheerios were in the lowest class (because fuck whole wheat). He worked in a factory owned by a big rich Frosted Cheerio. After working there for three years, he finally got the guts to ask for a raise. So he got on the elevator to go up to the big boss's office, but on the elevator was the boss's beautiful Frosted daughter. He tried to smile at her but she wouldn't even look at him because of his social standing. He felt bad, but proceeded to go ahead with seeking the raise. Once he got to the big boss's office, he saw the big bossman choking on a nacho. He took action and saved the man's life. Once he was able to speak, the boss offered him a wish. Ole Whole Wheat cheerio could have anything he wanted, and chose to be a regular cheerio. All he wanted was to be an average guy. So his wish is granted, and as a normal cheerio, he quickly gets hired for a management position at the same factory. After six months of working, along with great productively numbers, the normal cheerio heads up to ask for another raise. On the elevator, he sees the boss's beautiful daughter. And although he's still way beneath her, he strikes up a conversation. Even though she doesn't interested, he coaxes a number out of her. He gets to his boss's office and I'll be damned if he isn't choking on another nacho. He saves the man's life again, and he is granted another wish. This time he chooses to be a frosted cheerio. He calls up beautiful frosted cheerio boss daughter lady, and they meet for drinks. They instantly fall in love and after four happy months they decide to get married. After the wedding, now-frosted cheerio's new bride asks him to go get Champaign. He gets in the line for Champaign, but realizes it's six miles long. So he goes home and asks her what she wants. She sends him back out to the liquor store, but the line for liquor is seven miles long! So he returns home and she sends him back to the punch store. He's going to get punch now, but he gets to the store and realizes there is no punch line.
Thanks for reading.
drwatkins9 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 05:49:31 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Whywhywhywhywhy
RangerSkip ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 05:43:48 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
A man walks into a bar and orders three beers.
The bartender brings him the three beers, and the man proceeds to alternately sip one, then the other, then the third, until they're gone.
He then orders three more and the bartender says, "Sir, I know you like them cold, so you can start with one, and I'll bring you a fresh one as soon as you're low."
The man says, "You don't understand. I have two brothers, one in Australia and one in the Ireland. We made a vow to each other that every Saturday night, we'd still drink together. So right now, my brothers have three beers, too, and we're drinking together."
The bartender thinks it's a wonderful tradition, and every week he sets up the guy's three beers. Then one week, the man comes in and orders only two. He drinks them and then orders two more. The bartender says sadly, "Knowing your tradition, I'd just like to just say that I'm sorry you've lost a brother."
The man replies, "Oh, my brothers are fine -- I just quit drinking."
ThePeake ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 05:46:01 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
2 monkeys are in a bath. One cries "ooh ooh aah aah!" The other says "Well if it's that hot, put some cold in!"
Dramatic_Explosion ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 05:46:15 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
How deaf was Beethoven? So deaf, he thought he was painting.
Favorite joke, and it always makes me chuckle.
andreaafra ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 05:49:21 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
A Mexican magician is performing his final trick.
"And now I will disappear! Uno, dos..." and POOF!
He disappeared without a trรฉs.
spectresoul ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 05:52:31 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
This isnt politically correct but I have to say it. There are over a million US senators.
[deleted] ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 05:54:25 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Q: What's the difference between Dubai and Abu Dhabi?
A: In Dubai, they do not watch the Flintstones, but Abu Dhabi Do!
SonofBeckett ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 05:55:04 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Why'd the lion get lost in the jungle?
The jungle is huge.
Andrewjunk123 ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 06:01:42 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Why does a chicken coop have two doors? If it had four doors it would be chicken sedan
Pope13 ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 06:04:15 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I have to say that my favorite meta joke is this one, "I know a great knock knock joke, you start."
t-flan ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 06:05:37 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Two muffins cooking in the oven and one muffin turns to the other and says "man it's hot in here". AND the other muffins yells "AHH TALKING MUFFIN!"
DeathFrisbee2000 ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 06:10:39 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
What do you call a man with no arms or legs and-
-lives on a wall: Art
-lives in the lake: Bob
-lives in a bush: Berry
-lives in a pile of leaves: Rustle
-lives by a hole: Doug
-lives in the hole: Phil
-lives with his twin brother over a window: Curt 'n Rod
scubahana ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 06:22:07 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
PM_ME_HKT_PUFFIES ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 06:12:05 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other man pulls out his cell phone and calls emergency services. He gasps to the operator, "My friend is dead! What can I do?" The operator in a calm, soothing voice replies, "Take it easy. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead." There is a silence, then a shot is heard.
Back on the phone, the hunter says, "OK, now what?"
mafiasky ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 06:12:38 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
What's the difference between a chipmunk and a washing machine.
A lot.
funksands ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 06:14:17 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
What's brown and hides in a bell tower? The lunchbag of Notre Dame
buttersauce ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 06:16:51 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
There was a man in Russia back during the USSR. He wanted a car but because it was communist there was a 7 year wait. He goes in line at the Soviet DMV and he finally gets to the counter. The clerk hands him the forms and he fills them all out. He hands the clerk the forms and the clerk says "OK, your car will be delivered in 7 years. The guy says "will that be morning or night?". The clerk said " what does it matter? Its in 7 years!?". The guy replies "well the cable guy is coming that morning."
Ehsan763 ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 06:29:05 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
What's orange and sounds like a parrot?
A carrot...
vvrathia ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 06:33:04 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
A boy goes to a dance and gets a bit thirsty. He decides to get in the long line for the water fountain, but it was too long for him to wait. He then decides to get some soda instead, but the line is also too long. Finally, he decides to get some punch and,thankfully, there is no punch line.
UCantHandleTheBluth ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 06:42:07 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
No matter how far you push the envelope, it is still stationery.
bwrobinson ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 07:02:43 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
A moth goes into a podiatristโs office, and the podiatristโs office says, โWhat seems to be the problem, moth?โ
The moth says โWhatโs the problem? Where do I begin, man? I go to work for Gregory Illinivich, and all day long I work. Honestly doc, I donโt even know what Iโm doing anymore. I donโt even know if Gregory Illinivich knows. He only knows that he has power over me, and that seems to bring him happiness. But I donโt know, I wake up in a malaise, and I walk here and thereโฆ at night IโฆI sometimes wake up and I turn to some old lady in my bed thatโs on my arm. A lady that I once loved, doc. I donโt know where to turn to. My youngest, Alexendria, she fell in theโฆin the cold of last year. The cold took her down, as it did many of us. And my other boy, and this is the hardest pill to swallow, doc. My other boy, Gregarro Ivinalititavitchโฆ I no longer love him. As much as it pains me to say, when I look in his eyes, all I see is the same cowardice that Iโฆ that I catch when I take a glimpse of my own face in the mirror. If only I wasnโt such a coward, then perhapsโฆperhaps I could bring myself to reach over to that cocked and loaded gun that lays on the bedside behind me and end this hellish facade once and for allโฆDoc, sometimes I feel like a spider, even though Iโm a moth, just barely hanging on to my web with an everlasting fire underneath me. Iโm not feeling good. And so the doctor says, โMoth, man, youโre troubled. But you should be seeing a psychiatrist. Why on earth did you come here?โ
And the moth says, โโCause the light was on.โ
-Norm MacDonald
http://m.liveleak.com/view?i=8c4_1306857615
YoureGratefulDead2Me ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 07:16:34 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Not G-rated, but Norm is a genius.
FireDiamondPoison ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 07:25:58 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
What do you call a bear with no teeth?
A gummy bear
markneill ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 07:30:31 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Knock knock.
Who's there?
Interrupting cow.
Interrupting cow w....
MOOOOOOOOOOOO
jer123456and7 ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 07:30:38 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Knock knock.
who's there?
Dyslexic interrupting cow.
Dyslexic interrup...
Oom!
darthbob88 ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 08:55:26 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
At a philosophy conference, two solipsists sit across a table from each other, trying to work out which one is a figment of the other's imagination.
A fish-loving traveller is leaving Boston after a conference, and hails a cab. On the way to the airport, he asks, "I didn't get to do everything I planned while I was in town. Where could I have got scrod around here?" The cabbie looks over his shoulder and replies, "Friend, I've been asked that question many times over the years, but you're the first I've heard use it in the pluperfect subjunctive."
gigabytemon ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 09:18:25 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
A woman goes into labor and has to be taken to the hospital by her brother since her husband was out of the country on a business trip. She loses consciousness while giving birth. When she comes to, the doctor tells her that the birth went without any complications and she is now the mother of a beautiful pair of twins, one boy and one girl. He tells her that she doesn't have to worry about naming them, because her brother did it for her.
Knowing her brother wasn't the most creative person she knew, she's exasperated and asks the doctor what he named the girl. The doctor replies, "Denise". She's relieved, that name wasn't so bad. She asks him, "What about the boy?"
"Denephew."
enad58 ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 09:59:09 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
A Russian scientist and a Czechoslovakian scientist had spent their whole lives studying the majestic grizzly bear. Each year they petitioned their respective governments to allow them to go to Yellowstone to study these wondrous beasts.
Finally, their request was granted and they immediately flew to New York and then on west to Yellowstone. They reported to the local ranger station and were told that it was the grizzly mating season and it was much too dangerous to go out and study the animals.
They pleaded that this was their only chance. Finally the ranger relented. The Russian and the Czech were given cell phones and told to report in each and every day.
For several days they called in, and then nothing was heard from the two scientists. The rangers mounted a search party and found the scientists' camp completely ravaged. No sign of the missing men.
They then followed the trail of a male and a female bear. They found the female and decided they must kill the animal to find out if she had eaten the scientists because they feared an international incident.
They killed the female and cut open the bear's stomach... only to find the remains of the Russian.
One ranger turned to the other and said, "You know what this means, don't you?"
"Of course," the other ranger nodded. "The Czech is in the male."
learnmethings ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 10:01:47 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
What did the farmer say when he lost his tractor?
Where's my tractor?
aizaz09 ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 11:08:57 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
A game warden catches an unlicensed fisherman in the act. "You're going to pay a big fine for all those fish in your bucket" But, officer, I didn't catch these -- they are my pet fish and I just bring them here to swim. When they're done they jump back into the bucket. "Oh really? This I've got to see. If you can prove it, I'll let you go." The fisherman empties the bucket into the lake and waits patiently. A few minutes go by and nothing happens. Game warden: So where are the fish? Fisherman: What fish?
slappa_da_base_mon ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 11:35:55 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
What's E.T. short for?
Coz he's got little legs.
TheVoidInUsAll ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 12:07:40 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Anything unrelated to an elephant is irrelephant.
Grayburger ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 13:48:25 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I'll have a crocodile sandwich. And make it snappy!
peterbaugh ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 06:18:21 on February 14, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
A Captain at night sees a light dead ahead on a collision course... He signals a message toward the light-
Captain: Turn 18 degrees East. Response: Turn 18 degrees West.
Captain: I am a US Naval Captain- Turn 18 degrees East. Response: I am a 2nd Class Cadet- Turn 18 degrees West.
Captain: I am a Battle Ship- I will not turn! Response: I am a Lighthouse. Your call...
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:01:30 on February 24, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Seen that commercial.
Saracma ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 06:59:08 on February 14, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Heard two very high guys on tumblr saying this, but I still think it's cute.
What kind of overalls does Mario wear?
Denim-denim-denim
Theodt ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 08:55:31 on February 14, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Oh reddit. Never stop being you. All these jokes are making me crack up sitting alone in a parked car.
emmyset23 ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 11:50:50 on February 14, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
What time is it when an elephant sits on your fence?
Time to get a new fence.
Nice one, dad.
Shrodingers_Dog ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 16:26:35 on February 14, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Two men walk into a bar. The first says to the bartender, "I'll have H2O." The second says to the bartender, "I'll have H2O too." The second man dies.
๐๏ธ Alkomb ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:47:03 on February 15, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Wait, what's "H2O 2"?:o
Shrodingers_Dog ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:57:40 on February 15, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Hydrogen peroxide
๐๏ธ Alkomb ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 10:58:38 on February 15, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Oh, right, sorry. & ah, thanks!
shartzngraphs ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 00:42:17 on February 15, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
What would Abe Lincoln do if he were alive today? Frantically claw at the inside of his coffin.
๐๏ธ Alkomb ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:46:18 on February 15, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I don't get it, sorry.
shartzngraphs ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:52:56 on February 15, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Should I explain it or are you winding me up?
๐๏ธ Alkomb ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 00:56:03 on February 15, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Oh! I just had to reread it, sorry.
kushburnsslow ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 21:39:13 on February 15, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
What to hear a dirty joke? The pig jumped in the mud. My grandfather used to make my day by telling me this
danganronpa_bear ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 13:26:25 on February 16, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
A clown was crossing the road. A car accidentally ran over him and had the clown's body split into two.
Everyone applaud.
TT454 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 21:32:24 on June 20, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I don't get it
ookamiash ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 13:50:09 on February 16, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
A couple go to a Chinese restaurant and order chop suey. The waiter brings out a pot with a lid but the couple don't get around to eating, because every so often the lid lifts up a tiny bit and a tiny pair of eyes peer out at the couple.
Finally, the stunned man calls the waiter over, points out the weird situation, and says, "No matter what, we're not going to eat that. Are you sure that's chop suey?"
"Oh I'm sorry sir," the waiter replies, "That's my mistake - I've brought you Peking duck."
drugsmakeyoucool ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 17:33:50 on February 16, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Two fish swim into a concrete wall, one looks over to the other and says "damn"
MisterBigDude ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 04:43:50 on February 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
What happened when a steamroller ran over Batman and Robin?
They became Flatman and Ribbon.
JesteroftheApocalyps ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 19:18:16 on February 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
You hear about the man with two wooden legs whose house burnt down?
He fell on his ash.
๐๏ธ Alkomb ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 14:46:00 on February 18, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Ha, dang.
JesteroftheApocalyps ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:11:20 on February 18, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Not quite G, but still good. My gramps told me that joke when I was like 6.
๐๏ธ Alkomb ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:47:36 on February 18, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Ah, yeah, true. & ah, dang, nice!
EAnotCPA ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 23:53:29 on February 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
What did the fish say when he swam in to the wall?
DAM!
๐๏ธ Alkomb ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 14:45:52 on February 18, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Ha.
RoskoJ ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 04:43:51 on February 18, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
What kind of bees make milk?
beebeereebozo ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 02:40:12 on February 19, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Boobees
๐๏ธ Alkomb ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 14:45:42 on February 18, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
:o?
dixon-butts ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 00:16:21 on February 19, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
so this guy got his whole left side cut off...
hes all right now
sl1878 ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 02:30:53 on March 10, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
What's brown and sticky? . . . . A stick
๐๏ธ Alkomb ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 20:04:44 on March 30, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I don't get it, sorry.
Slidinginsocks ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 02:42:12 on June 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I know this was written 2 months ago, bit I'm bummed that you don't get this joke.
๐๏ธ Alkomb ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:44:52 on June 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I don't get how a stick is "brown and sticky", though.:c (I think.)
nevernudefoundation ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 20:19:37 on July 20, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
A panda walks into a restaurant. The waiter walks up and asks what he would like. He orders a sandwich and eats the whole thing. The waiter comes back to check on him and the panda shoots the waiter and proceeds to walk out. As he is walking out the manager yells at him. The manager says, " what's the big deal? You eat your food, shoot my waiter, then walk out without paying." Panda replied "Hey man, I'm a panda.. Look it up." The manager pulls out his dictionary. Panda: Marsupial of the Asian descent. Eats shoots and leaves.
๐๏ธ Alkomb ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 21:41:02 on July 20, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I get it, ha.
chizzo257 ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 17:45:20 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)*
a few weeks ago, my wife called me and was laughing hysterically at a joke.
why did adele cross the road?
Interior_Renekton ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 00:38:44 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
What's the opposite of Christopher Reeves? Christopher Walken.
tinkerer13 ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 03:39:45 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
"Superman can't walk? What's next, is aquaman gonna drown in the tub?" -Chris Rock
xkyu ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 00:43:29 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
The frustrated cannibal threw up his arms.
sadpanda989 ยท 9 points ยท Posted at 15:36:42 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
What's Brown and sticky?
A stick.
MpegEVIL ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 20:35:56 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Dr. Dre
macaroniinapan ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 17:52:15 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I had forgotten about that one. Thanks for the reminder - I literally laughed out loud.
mushrooms_suck ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 15:02:39 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
"Man it smells like updog out here" -"What's updog?" "Nothing much what's up with you?"
sundog13 ยท 9 points ยท Posted at 17:15:29 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I forgot just how satisfying it is to get someone to fall for this joke.
Similar joke for ya.
"Can you hand me the duckway?"
"What's a duckway?"
"About five or six pounds."
Minelayer ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 21:48:41 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
What are you eating under there?
Answer, "Under where?"
reply, ewwwwwww
Thanatos-lives ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:29:58 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
"I'm drawing some pottery for my art class, Can you hand me that Grecian Urn?"
"What's a Grecian urn?"
"About 10 dracma a week."
pleasedothenerdful ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:14:58 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I always heard it "updoc," the response being "Who do you think you are, Bugs Bunny?"
wintersmoke ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:49:09 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I think I've only seen this joke work once and it was amazing: Game Grumps - What's Updog?
rws531 ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 15:29:13 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
/r/DadJokes was made for this.
CAPTCHAsolver ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 00:55:25 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Did you know the word "gullible" isn't in the dictionary?
my_bad_mood ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 02:59:29 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
LOL!!! My wife just fell for that.
Moimoneymoiproblems ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 18:43:57 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
What time did Sean Connery arrive at Wimbledon?
Tennish
Dastardlydoom ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 19:04:49 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Yesterday a clown held the door for me? I thought it was a nice jester!
kots_n_kotchkas ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 19:05:21 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
It's high school prom and Johnny decides to take his girlfriend. In preparation, he goes to the florist to get the corsage, and must wait in line for hours. After leaving the florist he goes to the tuxedo rental place where there is again a massive line. Finally prom arrives, but students are lined up out the door waiting to get in. Finally, Johnny and his girlfriend get inside and are having a great time. Johnny's girlfriend mentions that she's thirsty, so he goes off to get her a drink. As he approaches the refreshment table he realizes there's no punchline.
DanceWithTheDevil_ ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 19:10:09 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
What did the lawyer say to the other lawyer? We're both lawyers!
DocProfessor ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 19:48:17 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Three guys walk into a bar. YOU THINK ONE OF 'EM WOULDA SEEN IT!
xDRxJoKeRx ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 19:49:37 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Two pretzels are walking down the street and one of them was assaulted
[deleted] ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 19:49:46 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
What did the pirate say on his 80th birthday?
Aye matey!
Lady_Azure ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 19:50:22 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
What do you get when you mix an elephant and a rhino? Elephino!
Warphead ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 19:50:27 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Dad here, these get better eye rolls with every repetition:
Why'd they bury the fireman behind the hill?
He was dead.
Ask me if I'm a banana. (Are you a banana?)
Yes.
Ask me if I'm an orange. (Are you an orange?)
No dummy, I just told you I'm a banana.
schwano ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 19:51:55 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Two apples are baking in an oven.
One apple says "OH MY GOD! We're baking in an oven!"
The other apple says "OH MY GOD! A talking apple!"
littlehead ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 19:54:24 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
What was the last think that went through the bug's mind when it hit the windshield? It's butt.
jcskarambit ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:11:31 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
On that line of thinking lies a million Princess Diana jokes.
CuriousRob ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 19:56:19 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
How do u you turn a fruit into a vegetable?
Throw a watermellon into the air; it'll come down squash.
Temporal_PairofSocks ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 19:58:10 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
A man and his pet giraffe walk into a bar, the man goes to the bartender and orders around for him and his giraffe, which they drink he then orders another, and another, and another. After a few rounds the giraffe goes into a corner and falls asleep. The man continues to drink until it's closing time and the bartender asks him to leave. As he walks out the door the bartender shouts "oi! You can't leave that lyin' there!" The man replies "that's not a lion it's a giraffe"
SicWithIt ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 20:16:13 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
this one always gets me!
Mistuhbull ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 20:01:19 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
There's this guy, let's call him Steve. Steve and his talking ostrich go to the same restaurant every day, and each day Steve orders something different, the Ostrich orders the same as Steve, and every day Steve pays in exact change.
After about a month or so, the waitress asks Steve how he always has exact change for lunch. Steve responds;
"A while back I met a genie who gave me two wishes. For my first wish I wished that anytime I wanted to buy something, I'd just have to put my hand in my pocket and I'd pull out exact change."
The waitress then asks;
"That's a good wish. But what's up with the Ostrich?"
To which Steve responds;
"For my second wish I wished for a chick with long legs that always agrees with me."
ReluctantGatherer ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 20:07:34 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
There are two muffins sitting in the oven. One of them turns to the other and says: "It's getting a bit hot in here."
And the other says: "Argh! A talking muffin!!!"
...I'm so sorry.
ilostmyotheraccount ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 20:08:07 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Q: What do you call a donkey with three legs? A: A Wonky!
wakenbacons ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 20:14:15 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Q: What's a pirates favorite letter? (most people will yell Arr!)
A: Aye, you think it be the 'R' but it be the C!
If they already know the joke they will finish it for you, that's when you close one eye tight and hit them with, "Arr! But it's mi 'i' that I miss the most!"
MongooseT ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 20:19:18 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
A rich businessman decides to buy a dairy farm and move to the country. So one day he is driving in the countryside to look for a suitable place. He sees farmer tending to a herd of cattle in a field and decides to take a look.
"Hi there", he greets the farmer "are these dairy cows?"
"Which ones?" asks the farmer "the brown ones or the white ones?"
"The brown ones"
"Yes, they are"
"What about the white ones"
"The same"
"Ok... And how much milk do they usually produce?"
"Which ones? The brown ones or the white ones?"
"The brown ones."
"Well, about 3 liters a day"
"And the white ones?"
"The same"
"Do these cows require a lot of maintainence?"
"Which ones? The brown ones or the white ones?"
"The brown ones"
"Not really, they are quite ease to take care of"
"And the white ones?"
"The same"
By this point the business man is a little confused and irritated. "Why do you always ask if it's the brown or the white ones when the answer is always the same?" he asks.
"Well, because the brown ones belong to me, you see?"
"And the white ones?"
"The same"
20mcgug ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 20:45:40 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I don't get it
Jretribe ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 20:25:33 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
You hear about the guy that had his whole left side cut off??
He's alright.
Give_Me_Bad_Karma ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 20:52:49 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
What did the bus driver say to the frog?
Hop on!
Boro84 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 20:53:14 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Neutron walks into a bar and orders a drink, he asks the bar tender how much he owes and the bar tender says: "For you, no charge."
sirwalterd ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 21:03:55 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
What do you call an Irishman laying out in front of his house? Paddy O' Furniture
man_on_a_wire ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 21:04:37 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
What's the difference between a hippo and a Zippo?
-one is heavy, the other is a little lighter...
LeakyFrog ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 21:08:00 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Knock knock? Who's there? Interrupting Starfish. Interrupting Starfish wh... <palm out grab their face with your fingers spread wide> <like a starfish> <one of those five fingered ones>
ads215 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 21:10:15 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Duck walks into a pharmacy and buys 10 tubes of chapstix. Clerk asks, "will that be cash?"
Duck says, "No, just put it on my bill."
Rim shot.
Brockovich614 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 21:13:35 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
"Knock knock" "Who's there?" "Banana"
I keep going with that one until people want me dead.
UOUPv2 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 21:19:10 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)*
I went to the store to buy a candle holder but they didn't have any so I got a cake.
I spilled spot removed on my dog and now he's gone.
[deleted] ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 21:20:39 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
This Grate joke right here
asdvffslvja ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 21:20:51 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Two goldfish are in a tank. One turns to the other and asks, "you know how to drive this thing?"
Two soldiers are in a tank. One turns to the other and says, "glug glug glug..."
nicsaweiner ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 21:23:10 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
What do clouds wear underneath their shorts? Thunderpants.
flargle_queen ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 21:23:40 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
What do you call a fly without wings?
a walk
Ha
PyroBebop ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 21:24:58 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Why did the Scarecrow in an Award ?
Because he is outstanding in his field.
A_gritzman ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 21:25:28 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
You wanna hear an airplane joke?
zubaba ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 21:25:54 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
There are two muffins baking in an oven.
The first muffin says, "man, it's getting hot in here."
The second muffin says, "Holy Crap! A talking muffin!"
beatinbossier18 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 21:26:08 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Ah I guess it just isn't funny to me
xterraguy ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 21:26:28 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Name a word that starts with F and ends with UCK . . . FIRETRUCK
Joelwho ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 21:27:33 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
What's brown and sticky?
A stick.
beneath_the_bottom ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 21:27:35 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Why is 6 afraid of 7?
Cuz 7 8 9
GamerGirl854 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 21:28:27 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I have a bunch.
Did you hear about the man throwing Scrabble tiles on the road yesterday? That's the word on the street!
Two people walk into a bar. One orders H2O. The other orders H2O, too. The second one dies.
A man walks into a bar. "Oof!" he says.
McWaddle ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 21:28:32 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
A horse walks into a bar. The bartender asks, "Why the long face?"
WeaponsGradeHumanity ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 21:29:04 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
An irascible old farmer named Hu discovered one morning that his best rooster had flown into a tall tree beside his farm pond and wouldnโt come down, so he went to his neighbor, Wil, and asked for help.
The men had never gotten along, but Wil finally agreed, so the two men went to the pond and began climbing the tree, Hu first.
They meant to frighten the rooster out, you see, but the bird only kept flying higher, branch by branch.
Then, just as Hu and the rooster reached almost the very top of the tree, with Wil right behind, there was a loud crack, the branch under Huโs feet broke away, and down he went into the pond, splashing water and mud everywhere.
Wil scrambled down as fast as he could and reached out to Hu from the bank, but Hu just lay there on his back, sinking deeper into the mud until only his nose stuck out of the water.
Another farmer had seen what happened, and he came running and pulled Hu out of the pond.
โWhy didnโt you take Wilโs hand?โ he asked Hu. โYou could have drowned.โ
โWhy should I take his hand now?โ Hu grumped. โI passed him just a moment ago in broad daylight, and he never spoke a word to me.โ
Unicorn_wizard_farts ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 21:30:04 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
A seal walks into a club
burnerbabyburn ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 21:31:12 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
"What is a pirate's favorite letter of the alphabet?" "R" "Ye'd think that, but his first love be the C".
[deleted] ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 21:31:30 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Why did Tigger stick his head in the toilet? He was looking for Pooh.
Dis0bedience ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 21:35:09 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Where do people go that don't believe in gosh?
Heck
goodguypat27 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 21:40:19 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
What do you call a fish without an eye? Fsh
goodguypat27 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 21:40:53 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
What do you call a Mexican with a rubber toe? Roberto
Chrondo157 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 21:41:21 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Where do poor meatballs live?
In the spaghetto
spyker54 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 21:41:28 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
A patient wakes up in a hospital after an accident and says "Doctor! Doctor! I can't feel my legs!" The doctor says "I know, I amputated your arms"
Badum tis
SneakersOtool49 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 21:50:58 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Ask me if I've seen the abominable snowman!
Not yeti.
[deleted] ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 21:55:55 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
What did the buffalo say to his son going away for college?
Bye-son
unpopular_speech ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 22:03:23 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
What did the doe say when she came walking out of the woods?
"That's the last time I do that for two bucks."
[deleted] ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 22:11:33 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Two cannibals were talking...
"Remember those Catholic missionaries that were here last week?
Yes...?
"I boiled one up yesterday, but he tasted terrible!"
Well of COURSE he did... those were Friars!
iDoc912 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 22:25:08 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Why did the cowboy get a dachshund?
The other cowboy said "Get a long little doggy."
spriteburn ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 22:32:26 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Why can't Stevie Wonder see his friends? Because he's married.
pappajay2001 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 22:36:16 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
"This is my stepladder. I never knew my real ladder...."
slazzaaaa ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 22:46:44 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Why do divers fall backwards out of a boat??
Because if they fell forwards they'd still be in the boat
wiredturtle99 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 22:49:34 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
What kind of pants does Mario wear? Denim, denim, denim
ritmusic2k ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 22:54:18 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Where did Napoleon keep his armies?
Up his sleevies.
CuteButPsycho ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 23:07:15 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh!
Related: what do you call a deer with no eyes? No eye deer! (no idear- no idea)
M0rqu1ng4 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 09:04:50 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Related #2: What do you call a deer with no eyes and no legs?
Still no-eye deer!
crispysnots ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 23:20:45 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Whats brown and sticky? A Stick
EternalJedi ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 23:26:45 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
What do you call a pachyderm that doesn't matter?
Irrelephant.
boblauer ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 23:30:53 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I recently received a bar of chocolate, and it was in the shape of a family huddling around a half-eaten loaf of bread.
The father in the scene had just recently been laid off from the mill after he lost one of his arms in a car accident driving home from work.
The mother in the scene never went to college because her parents told her it was a waste of money and she wasn't smart enough to graduate anyway, so even if she could get a job in this economy, it would have been for minimum wage.
The little boy, the oldest of the two children, had finally made the school hockey team and was finally on his way to maybe making his first friend, but was told earlier in the day that he would have to buy his own equipment, and of course the family couldn't afford it.
The daughter, born with a rare, incurable disease, was sitting in a rickety old wheel chair that looked like it was made in the 1950s.
And to make matters worse, if you looked closely you could see a slight bulge in the mother's shirt - she was pregnant with a third child. And there they were, the four of them, huddling around this half-eaten loaf of bread, the last piece of food in the house, all four wondering where their next meal was going to come from.
Man, that was some dark chocolate.
[deleted] ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 23:35:14 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Person 1: What are you eating under there? Person 2: Under where? Person 1: EWww gross! Your eating underwear!
Yuvar ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 23:35:21 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
A duck waddles into a bar and hops on a stool. The bartender, irritated, says, "What'll you have?"
The duck says, "Got any pickles?"
The bartender spits and says "We don't have pickles here, We serve drinks. Now get out!"
The duck hops off the stool and waddles out.
The next day, the same duck waddles into the same bar, hops on a stool, looks the bartender in the eye and asks, "Got any pickles?"
The bartender, irritated, says, "I told you yesterday we don't serve pickles here, we serve drinks, now GET OUT!"
The duck hops off the stool and waddles out.
The next days the same duck waddles into the same bar and hops on a stool, looks at the bartender, and asks: "Got any pickles?"
The bartender, infuriated, POUNDS his fist on the bar and yells at the duck. "I told you two times we don't serve pickles here, we serve drinks! If you ask me ONE MORE TIME, I'm going to nail your beak to the bar! NOW GET OUT!"
With that the duck shrugged, hopped off the stool, and waddled out.
The next day, the same duck waddled into the same bar, hopped on a stool, looked the bartender in the eye and asked: "Got any nails?"
The bartender, puzzled, said "No."
The duck then looked him square in the eye and said, "Got any pickles?"
jay_emdee ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 23:52:45 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Mushroom walks into a bar. The bartender says, "hey, busy, we don't serve your kind here." Mushroom says, "aw, c'mon. I'm a Fun guy!" Also: I always say, "Liquor? I hardly know her!" And I'm the only one who laughs.
Kiamodo ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 23:58:52 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
What do you call four Matadors in quicksand?
Quatro Cinco
Karino ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 00:14:54 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
How many tickles does it take to make an octopus laugh?
Ten-tickles! heh.
funbobbyfun ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 00:22:43 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
what's brown and sticky?
a stick!
redshoewearer ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 00:29:17 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Did you hear how popular the cemetery is?
People are dying to get in.
TheRealFletch ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 00:35:54 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)*
Once upon time in a purple universe was a purple planet and on this purple planet was a purple land with purple houses where purple villagers lived and there was a purple hilltop, on this purple hilltop was a purple kingdom, in this purple kingdom, past the purple gates, up the purple path through the grand purple doors guarded by purple knights, sat a purple king in a purple throne room on a purple throne with his purple queen also sitting on a purple thrown. One day the purple king threw a meeting for the people of purple in his purple meeting room in his purple palace. and he said to the purple people of purpleย "Purple people of purple I propose that I will give the greatest reward ever in the history of this purple world to the purple person that makes me the nicest tastiest purple beer in the entire purple world I have ever tasted in my purple life"
So one purple villager takes it upon himself to make the nicest tastiest purple beer in the whole entire purple world, so leaves the purple meeting room through the purple doors past the purple gates down the purple cobbled path to his purple cottage down his purple stairs leading to his purple cellar where his purple beer making machine lives, and makes the nicest tastiest purple beer in the whole entire purple world and so leaves his purple house runs up the purple street to the purple kings purple palace through the purple gates, past the purple doors to the purple throne room and presents the nicest tastiest purple beer in the whole entire purple world and the purple king takes a sip of the purple beer from the purple pint glass and goes "blurghhh!! Thats the most disgusting purple beer in the whole entire purple world I've ever tasted on my whole purple life. Okay purple person I will give you one more chance to make the nicest tastiest purple beer in the whole entire purple world ive ever tasted in my whole purple life."
So once again the purple person of this purple land left the purple palace down the purple street to his purple house down his purple stairs to his purple cellar where his purple beer machine lived and one again made the nicest tastiest purple beer ever in the entire purple world. and so he leaves his purple house runs up the purple street though the purple gates pas the purple guards that lead him to the purple king on his purple thrown in his purple thrown room in his purple palace. Th epurple person once again present the purple beer and the purple king sips the purple beer from the purple pint glass and goes... "blurrrghh. Thats the most disgusting purple beer in the enitre purple world if ever tasted in my whole purple life, Thats it you purple person have direspected this purple kingdom and everything purple this purple land represtents! Purple guards take this purple person the purple dungeons!"
So the purple guards lead the purple person across the purple throne room, across the purple hall to a purple door that lead to purple stairs where purple degeons were and the purple guard took out a purple key put it in the purple lock, open the purple door, turned to the purple prisoner and told him...
...'INDEGO'
70m4h4wk ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:44:02 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I don't get it...
AccordionORama ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 00:40:31 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
A bear walks into bar.
"I'd like ... ... a beer."
"Why the big pause?"
anonymous_subroutine ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 00:52:03 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
A termite walks into a bar and asks, "is the bar tender here?"
GoblinWhirlwind ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 00:54:46 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
What did the baby corn say to the mama corn?
"Where is popcorn?"
ski843 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 01:00:45 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
2 guys walk into a bar.... the third one ducks.
yarzospatzflute ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 01:03:58 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Interrupting cow.
Interrup...
MOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!
missjoy91 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 01:06:04 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
what did the triangle say to the circle? - you're pointless.
lilacseeker ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 01:07:39 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
What's the difference between chopped beef and pea soup?
Everyone can chop beef, but no one can pee soup!
realvenz ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 01:10:18 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
What is the favorite drink of Bruce Lee.? Wataaaaaaaaaah..(h20)
podpersona ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 01:10:34 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Q: What's Irish and lies out in the sun all day? A: Pati O'Furniture Ahhhhhhhhhhh!!
Samphis ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 01:20:39 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
What's the difference between a hippo and a Zippo?
One is heavy, and the other is a little lighter.
smpl-jax ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 01:23:57 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
What's green and has wheels?
Grass. I was lying about the wheels
DawkinsFett ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 01:24:02 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
What kind of dog tells time?
Watchdog
What do you call a witch that lives in the desert?
Sandwich
Geo-Cat ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 01:25:43 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
-what do you call a tiger with glasses? - a scientist tiger
copernica ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 01:26:31 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Why does a chicken coop have 2 doors?
....
If it had 4 doors it'd be a chicken sedan
:D
[deleted] ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 01:29:02 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Two muffins are sitting in an oven.
The first muffin says "Man, it's hot in here"
The second muffin says "ahh! A talking muffin!"
chiefsdude ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 01:39:12 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
A 3-legged dog walks into a bar, "I'm looking for the man who shot my pa"
cfzko ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 01:39:39 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
two muffins are sitting in an oven, one says to the other. "Hey man, it's getting hot in here." and the other one says "OH MY GOD A TALKING MUFFIN!!"
minerva_sways ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 01:48:14 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
What did Batman say to Robin before they got in the Batmobile?
"Get in the Batmobile Robin".
swellslide ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 01:59:27 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
What did the zero say to the eight? OOOhhhhh, fancy belt! Where'd you get that?
IndubitablyWatson ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 02:01:49 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
What do you call cold Mexican cuisine?
A burrrrrrito.
dontragequit ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 02:02:30 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Whats an owls favorite subject in school?
OWLgebra.
cthulhu-kitty ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 02:04:01 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Why can't you hear a pterodactyl in the bathroom?
Because the "p" is silent!
Pinkandgreenqueen ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 02:04:41 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
What does a nosey pepper do?
Gets jalapeรฑo-business!
truemeliorist ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 02:08:37 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)*
Interrupting cow.
Every. Damn. Time.
For those who don't know:
Person 1: Knock knock
Person 2: who's there
Person 1: an interrupting cow
Person 2: an interrupting c--
Person 1 (cutting them off): MOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
Garneeto ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 02:11:15 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Two pretzels were walking down the street, and one was a salted!
xkrysis ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 02:13:52 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
What's brown and sticky? A stick.
[deleted] ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 02:14:12 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
A horse walks into a bar and the bartender says "why the long face?"
A skeleton walks into a bar and says "give me a drink, and a mop"
bcegkmqswz ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 02:15:16 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Two fish are in a fish tank. One turns to the other and says "How do you drive this thing?"
crossfireloads ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 02:15:26 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
From my father: "What do you call a deer with no eyes?" "I have no eye deer."
From my college professor: "How did windows 10 die? 7 8 10."
spaztig ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 02:17:24 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
What type of bees make milk? Boobees.
BrendenOTK ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 02:19:37 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)*
I don't know why but the joke Louis CK said his daughter told him always made me smirk.
Who told the gorilla he couldn't go to the ballet?
Just the people in charge of that
positiondecision.missiledefender ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 02:44:23 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
decision, not position
And, yes, this joke is amazing.
BrendenOTK ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 02:45:53 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
You're right. I definitely meant to type that too
[deleted] ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 02:37:26 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Duck walks into a bar and asks the bartender, "Got any grapes?" Bartender says "No, this is a bar. Get out."
Duck leaves but comes back an hour later. He asks the bartender, "Got any grapes?" Bartender says "No, this is a bar. Get out and if you come back and ask me again, I'll nail your feet to the bar top."
Duck leaves but comes back an hour later. He asks the bartender, "Got any nails?" Bartender says "no." Duck says "OK, got any grapes?"
Juneyeah ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 02:38:30 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
What do you call camping models? -Pretty in-tents.
bukkakepriestess ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 02:41:35 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Highway patrol officer pulls over a flatbed truck hauling 100 live penguins. He asks the driver, "what's with all the penguins?"
Driver responds, "sorry officer, I've been driving around for hours and have no idea what to do with them."
"Take them to the zoo."
"Great idea! Why didn't I think of that? Thanks officer, bye!"
He drives off. Next day, the same officer sees the same truck again with 100 penguins. This time, all the penguins are wearing sunglasses. He pulls over the truck again. "I thought I told you to take all these penguins to the zoo?!"
"I did that yesterday, officer. Today I'm taking them to the beach."
MANYMI ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 02:42:51 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
What do you call cheese that isn't yours? Nacho cheese.
IWishIdThoughtOfThat ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 02:47:48 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Why does Snoop Dogg carry an umbrella? Fo' drizzle.
[deleted] ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 02:52:26 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
[deleted]
[deleted] ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 02:53:34 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
[deleted]
[deleted] ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 02:54:17 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
[deleted]
DisturbedRobert ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 06:38:17 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
What do you call a man with no arms and no legs in a pile of leaves?
Russell
REGibson ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 15:07:09 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
What do you call two guys with no arms and no legs hanging over your window? Kurt 'n' Rod.
mattaukamp ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 02:52:27 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)*
A skeleton walks into a bar and says "Give me a drink.
"And a mop."
[deleted] ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 02:52:48 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)*
[deleted]
Dreamspitter ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:58:26 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
lol
ImAjustin ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 03:01:58 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Knock, Knock
whose there?
Smell Mop.
Smell Mop who?
Ew NOOOO!!
jynxi ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 03:02:28 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
What do you call a cow with no legs?..... Ground beef! Thank you, courtesy of my 8 year old son.
MrMan381 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 03:05:43 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
A photon walks into a hotel and the receptionist asks if he needs help carrying his luggage to his room. The photon replies, no thanks I'm traveling light.
winch25 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 03:16:04 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Two sausages are sat in a pan together. The first sausage says to the second 'wow, its hot in here'. The second one says 'wow, I've never seen a talking sausage before!'.
evillord77 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 03:27:28 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
"Well, you know, racecars don't need headlights, because the track is always lit." "Yeah, well, so is my brother, but he still needs headlights."
IntrigueDossier ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 03:27:33 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
You get an upvote, you get an upvote!
EVERYBODY GETS AN UPVOTE!!!!
earlof711 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 03:28:12 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
What's Mario's favorite kind of pants?
Denim denim denim
Drmadanthonywayne ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 03:29:08 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Why is 6 afraid of 7? Because 7 8 9.
shamanofshexy ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 03:29:21 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
A student walks into class one day and asks his teacher.. "Ma'am, will you punish me for something I did not do?"
Teacher replies " Of course I would not!"
Student: " Okay, because I did not do my homework"
Lickety_Slit ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 03:39:14 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Have you heard about the new pirate movie?
It's rated aaarrrrr!
[deleted] ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 03:45:47 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Why'd the chicken cross the road? To get to the ugly man's house! Knock, knock Who's there? The chicken
Goat_Legged_Fellow ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 03:53:56 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
A 3 legged dog walks into a bar and says, "I'm looking for the man who shot my paw".
Shadumahl ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 03:55:07 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Two balloons are floating in the desert. One says to the other; "hey, watch out for that cactussssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssss
wson ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 03:56:50 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Did you hear of the guy who had his entire left side cut off? He's alright now
I_HAVE_THAT_FETISH ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 03:57:53 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
A Roman walks into a bar and orders a "martinus." "You mean a martini?" The bartender asks.
The Roman replies, "If I wanted a double, I would have said so!"
onshinjutsu ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 04:00:56 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
A bra and a set of jumper leads walk into the bar and the bartender say "I can't serve you" the bra asks "why not?". The bartender replies " you're off your tits and your mate looks like he's about to start something"
myophelia ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 04:01:12 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
So sad that I'm late to this party. But!
Have you all heard about corduroy pillows? They're really making head lines!
MiyamotoKnows ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 04:04:14 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
How do you make a tissue dance? Just put a little boogie in it.
elmonoenano ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 04:04:55 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Raisins, they aren't what they used to be.
Chybs ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 04:05:09 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
What did the fish say when it hit the wall?
Dam.
marv3fan ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 04:05:14 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
What did one tonsil say to the other? Get all dressed up, the doctor is taking us out tonight.
Algernon_Moncrieff ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 04:11:43 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
"Knock knock."
"Who's there?"
"The interrupting cow."
"The interrupting c..."
"Moo."
[deleted] ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 04:13:21 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Cars 2
TheAngryTuna ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 04:15:39 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Why did the jelly roll? Because he saw the apple turnover.
noware6 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 04:16:26 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
The past, present and future walk into a bar... it was tense.
jrmanny5 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 04:16:42 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Why do seagulls fly over the sea?
Bc if they flew over the bay, they would be called bagels.
MetroA ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 04:19:10 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Two cannibals are eating dinner, and one turns to the other and says "man I HATE my mother in law!" The other turns to him and says "well here, try the potatoes instead."
tr4x0r ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 04:24:03 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
What do you call a fish with no eyes?
Fshhhhhh
iCookBreakfast ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 04:24:44 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
What kind of pants does Mario wear?
Denim-Denim-Denim
SomeGuy0123 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 04:26:20 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
A Spanish magician is giving his act and he begins to count, 1, 2, then he disappears without a tres
chinesefoodandamovie ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 04:32:10 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Why did the chicken cross the Mรถbius strip? To get to the same side.
NotYourAverageTomBoy ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 04:41:12 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
My favorite pg rated joke: After a race, 3 racehorses are hanging out when one racehorse says, "out of the 55 races I've been in, I've won 50 of them." The 2nd racehorse kicks at the ground and says, "Oh yeah, out of the 78 races I've been in, I've won 75 of them." The 3rd racehorse neighs and says, "Really? Out of the 88 races I've been in, I've won 87 of them." The greyhound race dog that was laying down nearby sits up, stretches and says, "I've got you all beat. Out of the 106 races I've been in, I've won all of them." The 3 racehorses look at each other in astonishment and say in unison, "HOLY SHIT, A TALKING DOG!"
burner59876 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 04:43:26 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Two guys go out hunting, and one of them accidentally shoots his buddy. Since even the most remote places have cell phone service these days, he calls 911. The operator answers "911, What's the nature of your emergency?" The guy responds, " I accidentally just shot my buddy, and I think he's dead." 911 operator tells him, "OK, first, make sure he is actually dead" Hunter says "OK". Blam! "Now what?"
MacabreCurve ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 04:44:35 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Grandpa: Keep your eyes open around 6 oclock.
Me: Why?
Him: Cuz you wont be able to see!
Arwox ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 04:49:04 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Where does a general keep his armies? In his sleevies!
killinglyy ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 04:51:19 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
What did sushi 'A say to sushi 'B?
Wasssssaaaaaa'bi?
Riley_Coyote ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 04:53:58 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Where does a general keep his armies??
Up his sleevies!
wolfcasey9589 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 04:57:27 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
P1: my dog has no nose P2: how does he smell? P1: awful
chistarraw ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 04:59:42 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Why was the mushroom such a hit at the party ?
Because he was a fun guy !
But why did he have to leave early ?
Because there wasn't much room !
zantanzukken ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 04:59:42 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
What's brown and sticky?
A stick.
Worker8 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 05:05:05 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
What goes clip, clop, clip, clop, clip, clop BANG?
An Amish drive-by.
klydeiscope ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 05:10:43 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
And Jesus said unto Paul "Come forth and you shall receive eternal life" But Paul came fifth and got a toaster.
ForEmily ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 05:12:15 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Why was 6 afraid of 7?
Because 7 was a registered 6 offender
TitaniumDragon ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 05:12:19 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
"A joke thread isn't nearly as fun when people try to explain the jokes to others in a manner that suggests they're too stupid to get it, just because they express their own opinions on a classic thought experiment. Let's maybe not."
"Shhhhh. We're atheists. Trying to explain the joke to people is basically what we do."
CCRN61 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 05:13:01 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)*
Knock knock
Who's there?
Smell mop
Smell mop who?
(Smell my poo)
Unicorntheories ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 05:14:23 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
How do you know when it's raining 'cats and dogs' outside? ...When you step in a poodle.
UseApostrophesBetter ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 05:15:00 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
"Knock knock."
"Who's there?"
"To."
"To who?"
"I think you'll find it's 'to whom'"
It gets me every single time.
KrasnyRed5 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 05:20:04 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Did you hear about the new corduroy pillows? They are making headlines.
I will show myself out.
ShiftyMcShift ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 05:21:58 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
What did one dinosaur say to the other dinosaur?
(Loudly ) ROOOOOOOAAAAARRR!!
What did the fish say when she ran into a wall?
"Dam!"
What's green, has six legs and is dangerous un the Australian bush?
A falling billiard table.
kdc77 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 05:24:11 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
What do you call a singing laptop?
A Dell
all4hurricanes ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 05:31:41 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
If the world didn't suck we'd all fall off
HurriKaydence ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 05:34:39 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
How do you make a tissue dance?
You put a little bopgy in it!
Simple and childish yet cracks me up every time.
VirgilFox ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 05:35:01 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
There were three presidents flying in a plane over a third world nation. The first threw down some money, hoping it gets to someone in need. The second president does the same. The third president threw a bomb out of the plane, to the disapproval of the other two presidents.
After the plane lands, the three presidents are walking through the city and they come across a boy crying. They asked him why he was crying and he said, "a coin fell on my father's head and killed him!" They then came upon a girl crying and asked why she was crying. She said, "a coin fell on my mother's head and killed her!"
Then they came upon a little boy laughing so hard he was red in the face with tears. They asked what was so funny and he said, "my grandfather farted and the house next door blew up!"
DelicateSteve ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 05:44:20 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Where does the general keep his armies?
In his sleevies.
endless_limits ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 05:47:46 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
So, there was this frog. This frog wanted to apply for a loan. He went to a bank one day to see what could be done. Once inside, he went to a somewhat kooky teller named patty and asked if he could apply for a loan. Patty said that he needed some type of collateral. He handed the her a cheaply made souvenir from his recent vacation. Patty told him "I dont know if this can work. Let me go talk to my boss." she got to her bosses office and told him the story. He simply responded with "its a knick-knack , patty whack. Give the frog a loan!"
thundershawk ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 05:48:07 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
what did the ocean say when you said hi ? nothing, it waved
charonco ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 05:48:30 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Why do girls wear makeup and perfume?
Because they're ugly and they stink.
MKellyISU ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 05:51:42 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
The Lone Ranger and Tonto ride up to a saloon after a long, hot day of fighting outlaws. They tie up their horses outside and go into the saloon to get something cool to drink. After about five minutes, a cowboy walks into the saloon and asks in a loud voice, "Who owns the big white stallion tied up outside?" The Lone Ranger replies, "That's my horse, Silver. Why do you ask?" The cowboy tells him, "You'd better go check on him- it's hot out there and he isn't looking so good." The Lone Ranger and Tonto rush outside and discover that Silver is indeed suffering from the heat. They bring him some water and he starts looking better. The Lone Ranger tells Tonto, "I want to go back in and finish my drink, but there's no shade out here and no wind. Why don't you jog in circles around Silver to stir up a breeze." Tonto agrees, and the Lone Ranger heads back into the saloon to finish his drink. A few minutes later, another cowboy enters the bar and again asks for the owner of the big white stallion. The Lone Ranger stands up and says, "That's my horse. What's wrong with him now?" The cowboy replies, "Nothing- I just wanted to let you know you left your injun running."
sentsailing ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 05:52:59 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
My personal favorite: Q: Why is bowling the quietest sport? A: Because you can hear a pin drop!
ScoochMagooch ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 05:53:14 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Fart
i_know_tofu ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 05:54:42 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
When is a door not a door?
When it's ajar.
deaddaddydiva ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 05:59:13 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Why did the tomato turn red? Because it saw the salad dressing.
CallMeGdubG ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 05:59:20 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Two guys walk towards a bar.
One ducks.
ZBeebs ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 05:59:58 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
A police officer is on traffic duty, when he sees a man drive by, and in the back of his car are a bunch of penguins. The officer pulls the man over and says, "you can't be driving around with a car full of penguins. I'll let you go this time, but I want you to take these penguins straight to the zoo."
A week later, the officer is out on duty and sees the same man drive by, and his car is still full of penguins. He pulls the man over and says, "I thought I told you to take these penguins to the zoo."
The man replies, "I did, and we had so much fun, today we're going to the circus!"
chinabull86 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 06:00:14 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
What does the nosy pepper do?
Get's jal-ap-en-o business...
[deleted] ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 06:02:27 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)*
An unattractive man asks a woman if she loves him. She says "No, I'm sorry, perhaps I would if you were ten times more attractive." The man goes away and thinks about how to make himself more attractive. For advice, he approaches a friend of his who is known to be a success with the ladies. For six months they brainstorm strategies, the man takes up weightlifting and running and they go around all the best outfitters selecting just the perfect items to enhance his appearance, until his friend pronounces him "exactly ten times more attractive". The man goes back to the woman all decked out in his new body and attire. The woman exclaims over the transformation. So he says "Do you love me?" and she says "No, but that's a real nice ski mask."
Credit to u/quixoticon
evilshoez ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 06:03:40 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
What did the mommy light bulb say to the baby light bulb? I love you watts and watts
[deleted] ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 06:11:32 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
What does a nosy pepper do?
It gets jalapeรฑo business.
scubahana ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 06:20:15 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
To follow your vibe, what do you call cheese that isn't yours?
Nacho cheese!
newobj ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 06:12:33 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Knock knock Who's there? Santa claus. Santa claus who? YOU DON'T KNOW WHO SANTA CLAUS IS?
Shiberoth ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 06:14:39 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
A lot of my friends are hypochondriacs. Some people find that annoying but I think they're SIIIIIIIIICCCCCKKKKKKKKKK skater hand motion
big10zin ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 06:17:30 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
What do gay black horses eat?
Haaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay
scubahana ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 06:18:04 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
What do you call a lion in the desert?
Sandy Claws
Aaaaaaand...
What's brown and sticky?
A stick.
iamjackshypothalamus ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 06:19:12 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Two muffins are in an oven. One muffin turns the other and says "man, it sure is hot in here." The other muffin says "AAH! A talking muffin!"
hehastime ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 06:22:20 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Have you heard about the 2 mexican firemen?
Jose and hose B
StruggleSnuggler ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 06:22:50 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Q: What's the difference between an old bus stop and a lobster with a boob job? A: One's a crusty bus station and the others a busty crustacean.
relateablename ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 06:23:13 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
What is a hot time? A clock in the oven.
Snhoe ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 06:23:21 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Teacher: Who can use the word contagious in a sentence? Student: I can! My dad said he saw our neighbor painting his house with a 3-inch brush, said its gonna take the cunt ages.
(Probably not G rated but ye)
Rukazor ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 06:25:48 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
What do you call a seagull by the bay? A Bagel.
Theesfeld ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 06:26:09 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
What's the fastest liquid on Earth? Milk. Because it's always pasteurized when you see it.
kimjongunderdog ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 06:27:56 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)*
So a man gets a tape worm and goes to the doctor. Doc says, "bring me a hard boiled egg and a lemon cookie." So the man comes back the next day with the egg and cookie and the doctor sticks the egg up the guys butt, followed by the cookie. Dock says "ok, tomorrow bring me another egg and a lemon cookie." So the guy comes back with the egg and cookie, and again they go up his butt. Then doc says, "Ok, now bring me an egg and a hammer." So the next day the man returns with the egg and the hammer. The doctor sticks the egg up the guys butt and then grabs the hammer and waits. Two minutes later the tape worm pops his head out and says, "Where's my lemon cookie?" and the doctor smacks it on the head, killing it.
kinjinsan ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 06:28:32 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Man 1: "My dog has no nose."
Man 2: "How does he smell?"
Man 1: "Terrible."
[deleted] ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 06:36:43 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)*
[deleted]
_cruster ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 08:01:07 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I always heard this as: how do you catch a unique bird? Unique up on it. How do you catch a tame bird? The tame way!
Yesgurl16 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 06:37:10 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
What's brown and sticky?
A stick.
JFSnow ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 06:39:28 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
What is red and smells like blue ink? Red ink.
TheKetchupG ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 06:40:10 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Wanna hear a construction joke?
...
I'm still working on it.
Szzntnss ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 06:41:05 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
So God comes up to Adam in Eden and tells him, "You seem lonely. I could make you a companion if you'd like. She'd cook for you, clean for you, be completely submissive and take care all of your needs. All you'd need do is ask her."
Adam thinks about it for a second and asks God, "And just how much is this companion going to cost me exactly?" to which God replies, "Just an arm and a leg."
Adam thinks for a bit more on it and then asks, "What can I get for a rib?"
gamanar ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 06:47:28 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Why does a chicken coop have two doors?
Cause if it had four, it would be a chicken sedan!
Melodramababs ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 06:49:15 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Two antennae get married; The wedding wasn't much, but the reception was great!
TheUnbeliever ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 06:59:03 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
You can't explain sarcasm to kleptomaniacs, because they always take things literally.
[deleted] ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 07:02:00 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
A duck walks into the hardware store.
He asks the man behind the counter "you got any grapes?"
The guy simply says no
The next day the duck walks in, same guy, same dialog.
The man is starting to get fed up until the third day he's waiting for the duck to enter.
The duck walks in, "you got any grapes?"
The man is furious, "No, sir this is a hardware store and if you come in here one more time, I'm, going to nail your feet to the floor!"
A week goes by and the duck hasn't returned. Finally on Sunday morning, the duck walks in
"Excuse me sir, do you have any nails?"
The man says "I'm sorry but I'm low on nails today."
The duck responds "Good! Do you have any grapes?"
curlyvltr ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 07:08:27 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Why did the elephant stand on the marshmallow? So he wouldn't fall in the hot chocolate.
YoureGratefulDead2Me ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 07:12:22 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
What is with absurd elephant jokes? Why did the elephant hide in the cherry tree? Because his shoes were red. What the fuck!?
curlyvltr ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 07:14:44 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Well have you ever found an elephant in a cherry tree? The red shoes must do the trick then.
lygerzero0zero ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 07:14:42 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Why did the bicycle fall over?
It was two tired.
genuineimitation ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 07:24:09 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
LOL
SeamusMichael ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 07:24:07 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
What's red and bad for your teeth?
Bricks
FlyingToaster95 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 07:25:19 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
There was a man with three daughters, and one day they were all talking about how they got their names. The first daughter, Lily, asks her dad how she was named.
The dad replies, "Well, Lily, when you were born, your mother and I watched a lily petal fall onto your face, so we named you Lily."
The second daughter speaks up, and asks how she got her name. "Well, Rose, your mother and I watched a rose petal fall onto your face, and that's how we named you."
The third daughter was silent. The father spoke up, knowing that she was about to ask, and started explaining. "Well, Brick, your mother and I watche..."
He was cut off by his third daughter shouting "DUUURRRRGGGGHHHHHRRRRGGGRRGG!"
(Apologies for formatting, I'm posting from mobile. May not be the most G rated joke, but the perfect joke when spoken.)
idesofmarch_44 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 07:41:28 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Why is 6 afraid of 7? because 7 ate 9!
qazedski ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 07:49:57 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Haven't read every comment so apols if a double comment.
What's invisible and smells of carrots? Rabbit farts
Triggerhandd ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 07:52:56 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
There are two sausage in a frying pan, and one looks over at the other and says "uh oh man its getting hot in here" and the other one looks over and says "Holy crap a talking sausage!"
Dj_HuffnPuff ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 07:54:29 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
A long time ago, there was a monestary in the countryside. The friars and monks who lived there had done so for many generations. It was a beautiful area. However, there was one place beautiful than the rest. For there was this beautiful flower garden that they had tended for generations as well. Now most of the monestary was off-limits to outsiders, but the garden was not. People would travel from far and wide to see it. Eventually, people who visited that area decided to create a settlement there to benefit from the tourism. One day, many years after the town was established, there was a boy who decided to run and play in the garden. Most of the garden was safe, but there was always one section fenced off from the public. The boy decided to hope the fence and play. Beyond the fence, there were many exotic plants, but the most exotic was this man-eating plant which the boy had found. The plant gobbled him up and the townspeople became furious at the members of the monestary. They formed a mob and then went to the monestary, demanding that the monks would leave. The monks refused and the townspeople, not knowing what to do, left the monestary. The mob tried to figure out a way to get the monks to leave. One of the members named Hugh spoke up saying, "I can make them leave." Now Hugh was a big guy. I mean huge. He was known throughout the town as the strongest man. So Hugh went up to the monestary and told the monks that they would have to leave or there would be consequences. The monks, afraid of this conflict, packed up their things and left. The town never had another incident after that day.
Now the moral of this story is that Hugh, and only Hugh, can prevent florist friars
Brunson_Burner ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 08:28:38 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)*
Best introduction joke for never making friends:
How much does a polar bear weigh?
Just enough to break the ice.
myxo101 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 08:36:28 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
What's yellow and can't swim? A bulldozer.
JeffwithnoFs___given ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 08:39:28 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Q: why does a chicken coupe have two doors? A: because if it had four doors it would be a chicken sedan.
drflanigan ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 09:16:21 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
A snail buys a sports car with an S on it.
A person sees him speed down the road and says "Look at that S car go!"
lagoon83 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 09:47:40 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
The moth joke.
MadDanEccles ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 10:05:16 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Can you help me out? -Sure, which way did you come in.
Adaptingfate ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 10:15:19 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Know why the scarecrow won an award?
He was outstanding in his field.
Farty_McSimmons ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 10:16:11 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
A giraffe walks into a bar and sits lies down in front of the counter. A while later a man walks into the bar. He looks to the bartender and says "Hey bartender, what's that lyin there?" The bartender says "That's not a lion, it's a giraffe."
Tinfed47 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 10:18:08 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Why did the banana go to the doctor? He wasn't peeling well!
TaxiZaphod ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 10:41:06 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
How many surrealists does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A fish.
girlmer24 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 11:05:06 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
What did the eye say to the other? Between us something smells
EnderWyatt ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 11:24:38 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Who didn't let the gorilla into the ballet?
The person in charge of making sure that doesn't happen...
[deleted] ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 11:25:09 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Guess what Chicken butt
MagicOfFriendship ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 11:35:44 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
What should you do when you see a flying elephant?
Go to a mental hospital.
threep03k64 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 11:52:12 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Time flies like an arrow; fruit flies like a banana.
missuslibby ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 12:33:25 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
"I used to love tractors" - Extractor fan.
Noneverdid ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 12:57:03 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
How does Moses make coffee? Hebrews it.
CodeMichael ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 13:10:08 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
How do you catch a normal rabbit? hide behind a rock and make a noise like a carrot. How do you catch a unique rabbit? unique up on him How do you catch a tame rabbit? tame way
Kazick ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 13:12:43 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
What is Bruce Lee's favorite drink? WATAAAA
wikipuff ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 13:30:28 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Why did the chicken cross the road?
What chicken? (As you lick your fingers)
Asknicelydammit ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 13:46:30 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
How do you wake up Lady Gaga? You poke her face.
myfistyoface ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 13:55:18 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
What do you get when you mix an elephant and a rhino? Eleph-ino!
Dmomo85 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 13:59:31 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Guess what?
Chicken butt.
Allikuja ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 17:10:02 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Guess why? Chicken pot pie. Guess when? Chicken hen (or pen). Guess how? Chicken Cow!
Guess where? Chicken, there!
Fat_Elvis_ ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 14:15:58 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
My dog has no nose.
How does he smell?
AWFUL!
Jbstaxx ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 14:25:18 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
What's blue and smells like red paint?
Blue paint.
Me and my old man spent way too long laughing at this.
Alternatively, there's what's green and has wheels?
Grass, I lied about the wheels.
QuietRulrOfEvrything ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 15:04:29 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Three women escape from prison, a brunette, a redhead and a blonde. They hide in a barn under some burlap sacks when the search party came looking for them. "Check the barn!" called the sheriff to one deputy. He opened the door and saw some movement. Picking up a stick he tapped the first bag right when his superior asked if he found anything. The brunette thought fast when she felt the stick thumping against her leg and went "oink, oink!" "Just a pig!" the deputy called out. He then tapped the second bag and the redhead went "Meow! Rowr, Hssss! Meow!" "And a cat!" he called over his shoulder. The deputy hit the third bag and it moved but no sound came out. He hit it a little harder this time and the sack with the blonde hidden in it yelled "Ouch! Potatoes!!"
qorter ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 15:37:18 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
A blond sees a man running on the train tracks. She approaches him to get a better look but he pays her no mind. While he runs he's chanting, "24, 24, 24, 24..." The blond thinks, "man he's stupid, he's going to get hit," and follows him a bit longer. Eventually she decides maybe it's not so dangerous so jumps up on the tracks and follows suit with chanting. Well, a train comes. The man jumps to the side. The blond does not and is hit and killed. Once the train passes the man gets back on the tracks and continues his mantra with, "25, 25, 25..."
Allikuja ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:05:13 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I don't think this is G rated. I do like the joke though
SuperCoolGuyMan ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 16:09:08 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
A policeman was walking around the block, surveying the area when suddenly he found an old man walking with, a young boy? No! That was a penguin! Confused, he runs up to the old man wanting to know more about the situation. "Excuse me sir", the police officer said, "are you walking a pet penguin?" "Why yes", the old man replied; "is there a problem officer?" The officer, a little mad at the old man replies, "you must take him to the zoo immediately! I can't believe you haven't already!" The old man not realizing how important it was responded, "sorry officer, I didn't realize how important it was; I will now." The officer thanked the old man, walked away and didn't think about it again. The next week the officer was surveying a different area and saw that there was a big line at the movie theatre. As he surveyed the line, he saw the same old man! And with further inspection, he was walking the penguin! Furiously, the police officer runs up to the old man and says, "I thought I told you to take your penguin to the zoo!" The old man replies, "I did, he loved it! Now we're going to see the movies."
PM-Me-A-Joke ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 16:43:05 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
A teacher asks their class to form a sentence containing the words 'Detail', 'Defense', and 'Defeat'
Little Johnny stands up and says; (Read this in an Irish accent)
De horse jumped over defense, first defeat, and den detail.
Spacecommander5 ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 18:50:11 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
*bahamian accent would work better, IMHO.
pericobobulated ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 17:15:33 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Two cows are sitting in a field, which one is on holiday?
The one with the wee calf.
GameAndWatcher ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 17:39:11 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Who's on first. The entire routine.
pta2002 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 17:56:40 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Or something like that.
p_pC ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:38:48 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Knock knock. "Who's there?" Poop. "Poop who?" HA. POOPOO.
Stacia_Asuna ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 18:56:11 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
More PG but:
"Car crash outside anime convention that people were dying to get into. 10 Light Yagami cosplayers killed.
No pun in ten dead."
passion4film ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 19:43:28 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
What do you call a fake noodle?
AN IMPASTA!
[deleted] ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 20:13:01 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Past, present and future walk into a bar. It was tense. -Codsworth
DrBaconPants ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 20:49:11 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
-Why don't you ever see hippos hiding in trees?
cause they're really good at it
muststayawaketoread ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 21:33:03 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
How does the moon cut his hair? Eclipse it.
AnyaNerve ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 22:42:24 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Why did the blonde tip toe past the medicine cabinet? She didn't want to wake the sleeping pills.
iluvatar ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 22:57:50 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I had to look up what "G-rated" meant. Never heard that before. Anyway:
There were two goldfish in a tank. One turned to the other and said "Can I drive now?"
Ollfor ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 01:08:04 on February 14, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Why is the nose in the middle of your face?
Because it's the scenter
TheMagicalNinja ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 02:31:47 on February 14, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
what's the difference between a greyhound station and a well endowed lobster?
One's a crusty bus station and the other is busty crustacean
carterartist ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 03:14:59 on February 14, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
What do you get when you combine a motorcycle and a joke book?
A Yama-ha-ha
johnlaw99 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 05:52:17 on February 14, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Bump
K-Shrizzle ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 06:18:46 on February 14, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Why did the scarecrow win an award?
He was outstanding in his field
ebshipp ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 14:18:06 on February 14, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Why did the turtle cross the road?
To get to the Shell station.
Dremora_Lord ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 14:47:59 on February 14, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
What's red and goes "Choo-Choo"?
A tomato.
The "Choo-Choo" was just to throw you off..
๐๏ธ Alkomb ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 00:46:38 on February 15, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I don't get it, sorry.
Permafroster ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 19:41:51 on February 14, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
What did the egg with a stomach ache say? It's a bad yolk.
๐๏ธ Alkomb ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:46:23 on February 15, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Ha.
ExplosiveLee ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 14:58:35 on February 15, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Knock knock.
Who's there?
Boo.
Boo who?
Awww, no need to cry, I'll be your shoulder to cry on
Brosklarv ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 17:58:55 on February 15, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
A mushroom walks into a bar. The bartender sees him and says - You! Out! I don't serve your kind around here. - come on! I'm a fun guy - I. DO. NOT. SERVE. YOUR. KIND. - No! You don't get it! It's a pun! Fun guy as in I'm a fun guy so you should serve me and also I am a mushroom! Fungi! Get it? - Oh I got it the first time, it's very clever. Now get the fuck out of my bar!
It's so bad but still a bit genious. It's a horrible pun and a shitty anti joke at the same time!
๐๏ธ Alkomb ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:53:13 on February 15, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Nice!
basskiller32 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 21:21:09 on February 15, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Theirs dejavu in inside out.
cmuchoe ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 15:27:54 on February 16, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
why did the fish fall off the bike? because he's a fish.
awfully_homesick ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 16:58:03 on February 16, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
A pan of cupcakes are sitting in the oven. One cupcake turns to the other and says "wow, it's really hot in here." The other cupcake looks at him and screams" oh my God! A talking cupcake!"
PEEDUR ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 17:48:05 on February 16, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
what's brown and sticky? A Stick
f4nt0d ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 15:14:32 on February 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
A magician is going down the street, then he turns into a driveway
DubPwNz ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 15:36:21 on February 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
ITT: Mostly unfunny jokes.
f4nt0d ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 16:32:10 on February 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
What's E.T short for?
So he can fit in the spaceship.
Datasinc ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 18:44:41 on February 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
What's brown & sticky?
A stick.
๐๏ธ Alkomb ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 14:46:18 on February 18, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I don't get it, sorry.
Datasinc ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:08:52 on February 18, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Sticky as in stick-like like saying dork vs dorky
๐๏ธ Alkomb ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 19:29:50 on February 18, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Oh, right, sorry. & ah, thanks!
SwissAndCheddar ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 00:40:29 on February 18, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Why doesn't Karl Marx like Earl Grey Tea? Because all proper tea is theft. Also, Why did Henry the VIII die? He suffocated because he had no heir.
๐๏ธ Alkomb ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 14:46:31 on February 18, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Ha, dang.
-kelsie ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 23:24:31 on February 23, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
What did the DJ scarecrow say?
Lettuce turnip the beet!
๐๏ธ Alkomb ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 09:30:00 on February 29, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Ha!
Poisins ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 01:32:32 on February 27, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
How do you know the clocks hungry? It goes back four seconds.
๐๏ธ Alkomb ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 09:29:53 on February 29, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Oh, ha!
jk-mno ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 15:20:15 on February 28, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
two drums and a cymbal were rolling down a hill
buh-dum tss
๐๏ธ Alkomb ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 09:29:39 on February 29, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Ha.
fozzy_dunlop9891 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 21:58:47 on March 1, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
what is the difference between dubai and abu dhabi? the people in dubai don't watch the Flintstones, but the people in abu dhabi do!
๐๏ธ Alkomb ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 20:05:14 on March 30, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I don't get it, sorry.
fozzy_dunlop9891 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:00:22 on April 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
fred flintstone is famous for yelling "yabba dabba doo"
Chochkeys ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 02:22:04 on March 9, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
re the 3rd floor
๐๏ธ Alkomb ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 20:04:55 on March 30, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I don't get it, sorry.
jareyjareyjareyjarey ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 16:24:02 on March 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
What do you do when you see a fireman? Put it out man.
๐๏ธ Alkomb ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 13:45:34 on March 27, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Ha.
Babyface_killer ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 21:01:16 on May 8, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Whats red and bad for your teeth? A brick
Whats green, fuzzy and will kill you if it falls out of a tree? A pool table
๐๏ธ Alkomb ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 21:27:02 on May 8, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Ha.
Edit: 5,600th comment/reply, woo! (Sorry, I just had to.)
nickgonzalez91 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 02:22:19 on July 5, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
A panda walks into a bar and orders some food, after he's done eating he shoots the bartender and starts leaving. "Hey, you can't do that!" said someone else in the bar "Yes I can, I'm a panda bear it's what I do, look it up." says the panda bear. Later he looks up "panda bear" and sure enough it says "Panda Bear; Eats shoots and leaves."
๐๏ธ Alkomb ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 04:55:32 on July 5, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Ha, I get it, that's awesome! Thanks!
highforawhiteguy ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 02:08:46 on July 11, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
What do call it when batman skips church? Christian Bale
๐๏ธ Alkomb ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:16:51 on July 11, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I don't get it, but it still made me laugh, though, ha, sorry.:c
highforawhiteguy ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:19:10 on July 11, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
ahhahahah christian bale is the actor who plays batman in the dark knight movies
๐๏ธ Alkomb ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:26:53 on July 11, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Oh, sorry, & ah, thanks! & you're awesome.:o! When I grow up, I wanna be just like you!
[deleted] ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 03:26:43 on July 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
What goes "ha ha ha plump"?
someone laughing their head off
๐๏ธ Alkomb ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 03:55:25 on July 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Ha, that's awesome! Thanks!
Edit: That's actually probably one of the best ones that I've ever heard.:o! (Or whatever, I could probably rephrase that.)
TSEpsilon ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 16:31:59 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
What do you call a nosy pepper?
Jalapeno business!
Sparksman91 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 15:36:58 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
How do you make a Kleenex dance?
Put a little boogie in it!
ninden ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 22:53:31 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
This is my favorite joke of all time and I came in here just to post it. Thank science for ctrl+f.
wsci ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 17:05:25 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Two fish are in a tank and one says to the other "do you know how to drive this thing?"
reedfisch ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 18:08:37 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
How do you stop a rhino from charging??
Take his credit card.
It's raining cats and dogs out there!!!
Don't step in a poodle.
ASK_ME_ABOUT_FINIT ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 19:44:42 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I think i saw this one from Reddit a while ago. Basically you tell someone you have a knock knock joke, but in reverse. Conversation goes like this:
You: "Ok I got a knock knock joke but you have to go first"
Guy: "Ok, knock knock."
You: "Whos there?"
Guy doesn't know what to say. Stands there, awkward and confused
Geisto ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 01:52:40 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
What is red and bad for your teeth?
A brick...
Timedoutsob ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 02:15:42 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
What do you call a fish with no eyes?
Fsshh.
akujia ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 20:41:51 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I invented a new word .. PLAGIARISM
wookiekush420 ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 22:29:07 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Why is six afraid of seven?
Because seven is a registered six offender.
PedosoKJ ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 23:12:54 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Why don't girl ants float?
Because they are boyant.
Zanderfull ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 04:49:23 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Shouldn't it be "because they aren't or are not buoyant?"
beepbeepitsajeep ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 12:45:32 on July 24, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
You've been waiting 5 months at the edge of your seat to hear this: you are correct.
scottevil110 ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 15:13:19 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
"Guess how many snakes there are."
"13."
[deleted] ยท 8 points ยท Posted at 18:44:21 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I don't get it....
anonomousename ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:17:14 on February 20, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
There are 2 snakes. One in the shape of a "1", and one in the shape of a "3" The author looks at this and concludes that there are 13 snakes, as that is the number that they form.
[deleted] ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 00:08:45 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
this made me laugh really hard but i have no idea why, its not even a joke lmao
Papajon87 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:28:52 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
A up vote for rebound
[deleted] ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 17:37:24 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
[deleted]
foreverburning ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 23:04:05 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
ITT: people who think casual racism is G rated
ProLicks ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 15:05:54 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Joke 1): Q: What does one fish in a tank say to the other? A: Do you know how to drive this thing?
Joke 2): Q: What does one soldier in a tank say to the other? A: glubglubglub
HanSoloz ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 15:17:39 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
A horse walks into a bar and the bartender says hey what's with the long face
afdsadf ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:13:57 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
A huge group of electrons walks into a bar. The bartender was shocked.
Dastardlydoom ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 17:08:22 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
why did the orange go to the doctor? cause it was peeling badly
EGuardian ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 21:55:33 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Less a joke and more of a WTF that happened to me once and i'm still laughing to this day 15 years later.
Bunch of us sitting around a table. The guy next to me gets up and undoes his belt, adjusts himself. I comment. "What? Are you going try and hit me with your belt?"
Friend across the table with no hesitation. "No he's taking off his belt so he can beat you with his pants."
I proceed to literally cry laughing for 3 hours straight. Like i was in class after lunch when this happened and the teacher had to send me away i was still laughing.
I'm on the verge of cracking up right now as i type this.
[deleted] ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 22:23:50 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
What do you call an Irish-made, wicker chair?
Patty O'furnature
Ibanezman ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 23:07:55 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
So Werner Heisenberg is driving on the highway one day, just minding his own business when a cop pulls up behind him and turns on his lights. Heisenberg pulls over and the policeman walks up to his window and asks "Sir, do you know how fast you were going?" To which Heisenberg replies "No. But I can tell you exactly where I was"
richstop ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 23:09:05 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
What did the zero say to the eight?
"Nice belt"
MrSurly ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 23:12:01 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
(speakers of the Queen's English can ignore)
Why does a chicken coop have two doors?
Because if it had four doors, it would be a chicken sedan.
JooJoona ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 00:58:13 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
How do you make a plumber cry?
Kill his children.
nixzero ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 01:16:24 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Q) What's the difference between a dirty bus stop and a lobster with a boob job?
A) One's a crusty bus station, the other is a busty crustacean.
Q) How do you trap a bear? (this one is great for kids who can't cuss yet)
A) Dig a big pit, light a fire in it, and wait for it to go out. When a bear comes to check out the smoke, run up and kick him in the ash hole."
knuckle_dragger ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 03:02:13 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
It's tough out there in this economy... prices keep on going up... beer nuts have passed $5 a pound...
Fortunately, you can still find deer nuts under a buck
LtlAnalDwlngButtMnky ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 04:24:45 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I once broke a G-string while fingering a minor.
[deleted] ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 05:18:55 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Two whales are in a bar.
The first whale says to the other, "Muuahhhhreeeeaaauuummoooorrrraaammwwwuuuueeeoooorrrroommmmaaayyyyrrrroooo..."
The second whale says, "Dude, go home, you're drunk!"
Aldeberon ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 06:41:42 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
This one works really well with someone who takes a few seconds to catch on to jokes, but doesn't mind being teased about it.
You: Why did the chicken cross the road?
Them: Why?
You: To visit the stupidest person he knew.
Them: ....
You: Knock, knock.
Them: Who's there?
You: The chicken.
howtodoit ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 10:30:29 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
A friend of mine was recently investigated by the police. You're probably wondering why.
He has a terrible addiction. When it gets dark he looks for construction cranes in the sky line. Walks towards the closest one. Breaks in to the construction site and proceeds to move things around or take stuff that looks interesting. I guess he's a bit of a kleptomaniac with a desire for certain things.
Anyway he'd been getting away with this for years and all the developers and construction site workers could not work out what the hell was going on.
But that was only until a few weeks ago. Finally the police followed a cctv lead and took him in.
Some friends and I used to go to his to play computer games and had no idea about any of this. But really we should have as all the signs were there.
jamiegc1 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 14:33:48 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I heard one from a minister some time ago.
A Buddhist monk takes a trip to New York City and near Times Square, he finds a hot dog cart.
He tells the vendor, "Make me one with everything." and hands him a $20 bill.
Vendor prepares the hot dog with a rich slathering of various toppings, hands it to him. The monk holds out his hand as though waiting for money back, and the hot dog vendor shakes his head and says "Change comes from within.".
peterbaugh ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 06:04:12 on February 14, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
What did Helen Keller do when she fell down the well? Screamed her hands off!
Fratson ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 15:23:48 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Girl, are you a beaver? Cause dam
gourmetprincipito ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:35:02 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
So a magician gets a job on a cruise ship. The gig works out and he ends up staying a few years. Since the audience was always new he would pretty much do the same routine every night, which would have worked great except for one thing... The captain's prized parrot.
The parrot was super smart and after a few years would sit in the back of the audience and yell out the secrets behind the tricks, like, "there's a trap door!" "There's a second woman in the box!"
The magician hated the bird, but he felt powerless because of how much the captain loved it. The captain kept paying him and rehiring him for the next cruise, though, so he kept the job.
One day the ship hit an iceberg and sunk. The only survivors were the magician and the parrot. They floated on top of the ocean in silence for two days before the parrot says, "Okay, I give up, what did you do with the ship?"
HistoricalNazi ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 17:23:20 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Two elephants are taking a bath.
One elephant says to the other, "Hey, could you pass the soap?"
The other elephant says, "No soap, radio!"
asmondaus ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 01:49:14 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I know that's supposed to be a nonsensical anti-joke or whatever but I always looked at it as the one elephant asking for the soap and the other responding quietly "no soap, radio." And then dropping a radio in the tub to kill them both. Makes me laugh even more this way.
HistoricalNazi ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 04:59:20 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Super dark but also somehow still hilarious haha
[deleted] ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 01:26:32 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Can someone explain this one?
SmegmaRoast ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 02:27:22 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Michael can explain! https://youtu.be/_6nSOgsI_vo
Papajon87 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 02:34:29 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
So much work
HistoricalNazi ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 05:05:06 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
It is a completely nonsensical joke that is usually meant to be told in a group no smaller than 3. Two of the people are in on it and the third isn't. When the first person tells the punchline the second person bursts out laughing, leaving the third confused. Then the first two either pretend to be shocked the third doesn't get it or make fun of them for not understanding. When kept light hearted it can be really funny to see people's reactions. Here is more info.
copaceticzombie ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:04:59 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Why shouldn't you change your clothes in front of a Pokemon? They might Pikachu
darkest_wraith ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:23:48 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Why did the cookie go to the Dr?
He was feeling crummy.
gustogus ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:40:08 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
What do you call a fish with no eyes?
fsh
(works better when spoken...)
McGootch ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:56:02 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
A guy walks into a bar. Ouch.
artvandalaythrowaway ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:04:24 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Where did George Washington put his armies?
In his sleevies. (Bonus points if you say it with a lisp or funny voice)
accentmarkd ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:04:57 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
This was my neighbor's favorite (and only) joke from 1st-5th grades.
What did the fish say when it ran into the brick wall?
Dam!
Dastardlydoom ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:06:10 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
It was an emotional wedding. Even the cake was in tiers.
dodgeball_hero ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:08:12 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Two peanuts were walking down the road. One was assaulted.
MiserableLurker ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:09:39 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Went to an ophthalmologist who said 'You're going to have to get some glasses."
So, I took his.
He called while I was out of town, said "I want to see you when you get back."
I said "You can't because I've-got-the glasses..."
Or anything else Victor Borge'
hppyjnny ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:19:16 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
How do you make a hanky dance? Put a boogie in it.
Shandrala ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:21:54 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
What do you call a Mexican with a rubber toe?
Roberto (gotta do the accent)
SergeantSquare ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:28:17 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Did you hear the story about the magic tractor?
It drove down the road and turned in to a field.
BWSnap ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:28:49 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Where did Napoleon keep his armies?
Up his sleevies.
kingjoedirt ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:33:22 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Doesn't work as well in writing.
What do you call a deer with no eyes? Noeyedeer.
What do you call a fish with no I's? A Fsh.
kionih ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:33:47 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
What's Mary short for? She's got no legs.
Musashi_13 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:40:25 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Paddy went to the pet store and bought two fish.
He named the first fish "One" and the second fish "Two"
When One died he had Two left.
Demi_Bob ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:47:38 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Something my dad said to my sisters once while they were being rowdy: "Stop, or I'll yell stop again!"
AgentScreech ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:48:00 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
A guy walks into a bar.
...ouch
MangoTheWise ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 20:32:37 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
What do you call a fish with no eye? A fsh.
perfectuseoftime ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 20:34:05 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
How do you make a tissue dance? Put a little boogie in it!
imeuru ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 20:51:42 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
What do you call a deer with antlers?
A weirdoe!
_chazz ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 20:52:55 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Whats brown and rhymes with snoop?
Dr. Dre
mamaluigi2064 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 20:55:03 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Why did the skeleton fail his finals?
He was a numbskull.
Sigma1042 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 20:56:43 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
A: Knock, knock. B: Who's there? A: Interrupting Cow. B: Interrr.. (quickly) A: MOOOOOO!!!!
It's all about the timing.
stop_whispering ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 20:57:47 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
What do you call a cow with no legs?
Ground beef.
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 21:31:46 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
What do you call a fish with no eye? A Fsh.
It works better verbally, but you get the point
zk3033 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 21:48:47 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Two muffins are sitting in an oven.
The first muffin says "boy, is it hot in here"
The second muffin says "WOAH! A talking muffin!"
mtman12 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 21:48:53 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Did you hear about the guy who had a dog with no legs? He said walking his dog was a drag.
portlypolak ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 21:49:07 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Last night all of the toilet seats were stolen from the police station, and the thief is still at large. The police are trying to figure it out but they have nothing to go on.
Jlawlz ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 21:49:49 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Do you know why when geese fly in a v one end is always longer than the other? Do you know why that is???
It's actually because there are MORE geese on one side than the other.
SherrickM ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 21:50:25 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
How do you make a Kleenex dance?
Put a little boogie in it.
My daughters laugh every time. Course the oldest is 5.
ebrammer252 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 21:51:49 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Two peanuts were walking down the street, one was assaulted.
Potato_Patriot ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 21:57:44 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Did you hear about the fire at the circus? It was in tents.
ricks23 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 22:00:40 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
What kind of pies do ghosts eat? Boo-berry pie.
T-Waldo ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 22:01:42 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Fun for the whole family joke told by the parrot from Aladdin https://youtu.be/tw10xa_xtNg
sooprvylyn ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 22:02:13 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Whats green and has red wheels...grass...i was just kidding about the wheels
1vnz1 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 22:04:27 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Knock Knock...
Who's there?
To.
To who?
*To whom.
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 22:04:44 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Why did the bubblegum cross the road?
Because it was stuck to the chicken's foot.
quiznar ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 22:05:37 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
What did one snowman say to the other? "Do you smell carrots?"
NormoNoggin ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 22:06:09 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
What do you call a fish with no eyes? A ffffssshhhhhhhh
rookiestude ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 22:09:48 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
'Knock, Knock'
(Who's there?)
'Smell Mop.'
(Smell Mop Who?) Laughter ensues
What did the fish say when he hit the wall?
Dam.
What do you get when you cross a Bumble Bee and a Ghost?
A Boo-Bee.
DrSteveBruleCh5 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 22:11:43 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Why do seagulls fly over the sea?
Because if they flew over the bay, they'd be baygulls.
baker2015 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 22:14:39 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
thegreatlordlucifer ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 22:15:00 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
who ordered the Poo-Poo platter
KellBell- ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 22:15:27 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Jesus said "Come forth, and receive eternal life." but John came fifth and won a toaster.
Ho_Phat ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 22:15:33 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
What did the 0 say to the 8?
Nice belt!
dizyalice ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 22:18:08 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
What's the difference between a tuna and piano?
You can tuna piano but you can't piano a tuna!
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 22:18:47 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Thanks for all of these!! I'm corny and love these jokes.
luckystrikeserena ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 22:18:54 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I want to buy the grocery divider bar, but the cashier keeps putting it behind the counter.
LiamGP ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 22:19:43 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Q: What's brown and rhymes with snoop?
A: Dr Dre
Roadguy ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 22:34:30 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Why don't cannibals eat clowns? They taste funny.
dazedwit ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 22:35:14 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
2 muffins are sitting in an oven.
One muffin turns to the other and says, "Boy it sure is hot in here."
The other muffin responds, "Arrgh, a talking muffin!"
Antibane ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 22:35:55 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
A priest, a rabbi, and a humpback whale go into a bar.
The priest walks up to the bartender and says 'I believe that Jesus is the Son of God, my Lord and Savior, and I'll have a glass of sacramental wine'.
The rabbi walks up and says 'I believe in God and the Prophets, but I do not believe that the Messiah has yet walked the face of the earth, so I'll have a Manischewitz'.'
Then the whale goes up and says 'hrrreeeeyuuuuurrrrrrooouuuu, hrrrrreeeeyuuuuooouuuu'.
1millionppm ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 22:38:04 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Why do gorillas have big nostrils? They have big fingers
mister_e121 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 22:42:05 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Why is Six afraid of Seven? Cuz Seven Eight Nine!
FuckSticksMalone ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 22:42:06 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
A Mexican magician is performing a trick at a birthday party. He tells the children to watch very closely because on the count of 3 he was going to make himself disappear.
He started to count:
Uno!
Dos!
And he disappeared without a tres....
KavalaryJM05 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 22:43:45 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
What's brown and sticky?
A stick.
MikeMoo3 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 22:43:53 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Knock knock. Who's there? Cash. Cash who? I didn't know you were some kinda nut!
Grug16 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 22:45:56 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Three vampires are standing on a hill at night, arguing about which is the most powerful.
"Watch this," says the first vampire, and he flies off into the night at 30 miles per hour. He comes back ten minutes later with his face covered in blood.
"You see that farmhouse over there?" he says.
"Yeah?" say the other two.
"I just drank the blood of everyone in that house!"
"That's nothing. Watch this!" says the second vampire. He flies off into the night at 60 miles per hour. He comes back five minutes later with his face covered in blood.
"You see that village over there?" he says.
"Yeah?" say the other two.
"I just drank the blood of everyone in that village!"
The third vampire steps forward. "I'll prove you both wrong. Watch this!" he says. He flies off into the night at 100 miles per hour. He comes back one minute later with his face covered in blood.
"You see that tree over there?" he says.
"...Yeah?" say the other two.
"Well I didn't."
narcolepticnine ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 22:46:39 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Two muffins are sitting in a microwave.
One says "man, it's hot in here"
The other replies "HOLY COW, A TALKING MUFFIN!!!"
Courtjeztur ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 22:46:47 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
What do you get when a bird flies into a lawn mower? Shredded tweet.
notactuallyaduck ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 22:48:14 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
What's red and invisible?
No tomatoes!
BridgetteBane ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 22:49:38 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Where does George Washington keep his armies?
In his sleevies!
chucklesthe2nd ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 22:49:51 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Why do you never see elephants hiding in trees
Because they're very good at it.
pulus ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 22:50:50 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
What's brown and rhymes with Snoop?
Dr. Dre
Brimstone_6767 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 22:51:06 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Why did the elephant fall out of the tree?
It was dead.
shiggyzz ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 22:52:18 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Whats brown and sticky? A stick
ldw53 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 22:52:20 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
"What do you call a boomerang that doesn't come back?" A stick.
bkarfunk ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 22:53:23 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
As an emergency physician I get many interesting patients. There was a 5 year old kid who had managed to swallow a half dozen little plastic toy horses.
His condition was noted to be stable.
He came back in a few days after we removed the horses. This time he'd gotten into his mom's purse and eaten a quarter, three dimes, and a nickel.
We've been watching him closely, but so far there's been no change.
indrashura ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 22:55:49 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
What's green and comes down a mountain?
A skiwi.
tittysprinklesrgod ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 22:55:55 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
What has four wheels and flies. A garbage truck.
Spofefe ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 22:57:33 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Why did the chicken cross the road?
To get to the other side
perigrinator ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 22:58:19 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
What did one musician say to another as they crossed the road?
"You had better see sharp or you will be flat."
Bananagopher ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 23:01:00 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
What's a pirate's favorite letter?
R?
No, it be the C.
sheepbassmasta ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 23:01:06 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I particularly enjoy the ones that stretch your audiences patience and provide no real punch line, amusing you more than them. here are two of the same flavor, http://homepage.ntlworld.com/graham.a.newman/frog8.htm as well as http://boards.straightdope.com/sdmb/archive/index.php/t-276444.html first one on both lists.
Sd55marko73 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 23:14:07 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
What did Batman say to Robin before they got into the car..... Robin -get in the car.
LiuKangWins ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 23:15:47 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Did you hear about the fire at the circus?
It was in tents!
Vault_tech_2077 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 23:17:54 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
What do you call a magic owl? Hooo-dini
kwz ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 23:18:09 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Asks the waiter for a Blind Coke.
-- What is that?
-- Just a regular coke with no ice.
archerwizard ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 23:19:40 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Newton, Pascal, Einstein, and Maxwell are playing hide-and-seek. Einstein starts counting, and Pascal and Maxwell run and hide. Newton, however, draws a square on the ground and stands in it. When Einstein opens his eyes, he says "Ha! Found you Newton!" Newton replies, "No, you found Pascal!"
alwaysZenryoku ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 23:21:06 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Before saying something nasty about them you should always walk a mile in your enemy's shoes. That way you will be a mile away and you will have their shoes.
Linkums ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 23:21:54 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Getting someone to ask me what "updog" is.
jrhoffa ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 23:21:59 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
ITT: Nobody able to format comments properly.
jarvispeen ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 23:23:45 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
What did the Mexican fireman name his twin boys?
Jose and Hose B
Michael4825 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 23:24:03 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
What do you call a snobbish criminal walking down stairs?
A condescending con descending!
khoff98107 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 23:57:26 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
And what do you call a former Nazi soldier who has become an animal doctor? A veteran Aryan veterinarian.
Croissants_ ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 23:25:26 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
A woman puts her twins up for adoption. One is adopted in Egypt and is names Amal while the other is adopted in Spain and is named Juan. 19 years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon seeing it the mother tells her husband "I wish I had a picture of my other boy" to which the husband responds, "you've seen Juan, you've seen Amal".
her_ladyships_soap ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 23:26:07 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
What's brown and sticky? A stick!
rangatude ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 23:26:52 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Why are pirates called pirates? Because they Arrrgggghhhhh...
rdaredbs ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 23:32:55 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Why did the cookie go to the doctor? He was feeling crumby
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 23:33:32 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Probably already posted: what's green and fuzy, and if it falls out of a tree on top of you it will kill you?
A pooltable.
ghostfrog ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 23:33:42 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
What's brown and sounds like a bell?
Dung!
edwedig ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 23:36:40 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
What's a 4 letter word that starts with f and ends with k.
Fork.
mogsoggindog ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 23:36:45 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Have you heard about the new corduroy pillows? They're making headlines!
yodude19 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 23:37:19 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
What do you call someone who dropped their toothpaste?
Crestfallen
seattleque ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 23:38:37 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
From my 6 yr old niece:
How do rabbits fly?
...
...
...
In a hareplane.
JohnEKaye ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 23:39:24 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
What did the lawyer say to the other lawyer?
We're lawyers!
henrokk1 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 23:40:24 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Why did the mushroom buy everyone drinks?
Because he's a fun gi
Jumping_Koalas ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 23:44:28 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Why did the bicycle fall over?
Because it was too tired.
shutthefukupcakes ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 23:44:41 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
What are Mario's pants made of? Denim denim denim
And
What's Bruce Lee's favorite drink? WATAAAAAAAA
InfamousMEOW ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 23:45:19 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Cheezit ice-bank-mice-elf
QuadraticEurasian ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 23:49:06 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
"I said stick a flower in your BUTTON hole."
Maybe thats more PG.
sixft7in ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 23:50:35 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
How do you get down off an elephant? You don't. You get down off a duck.
Shoetangclan ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 23:50:57 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Did you know diarrhea is hereditary?
Yeah, it runs in your jeans.
corner-case ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 23:55:42 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
A man walks into a juice bar. The juicetender asks the man what he does for a living. "I'm a mathematician," says the man. "Oh yeah? Prove it."
LOBOSKI ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:03:05 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Orange you glad I said banana!
Oops639 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:04:58 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)*
A woman goes into labor and begins giving birth on a hospital elevator with the help of a nurse. The door closes and then the woman starts crying, "I'm so embarrassed!" The nurse pats her hand and says, "There, there dear. Don't feel bad. Last year we had a woman give birth on the front lawn." The woman groans, "I know! That was me!"
docko ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:06:48 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Did you hear about the Mexican train killer? They say he had loco motives!
silverbacksunited12 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:07:06 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Want to hear a dirty joke? A white horse fell in a mud puddle
brotoes ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:17:49 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I'd tell you my mud joke, but I think it's a little too dirty for this thread.
Badsponge ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:07:20 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
What is brown & sticky?
A stick.
Marysthrow ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:08:02 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
what's the difference between a hippo and a zippo?
One's really heavy and the other's a little lighter
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:12:11 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
A momma octopus and a baby octopus were walking down the street, hand and hand and hand and hand ....
riotfilms ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:18:58 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Knock, Knock. Who's there? Control freak. (before they can respond) This is the part where you say control freak who.
Timed well, this works for all ages.
LoyalT90 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:19:59 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Where do you find a dog with no legs?
Right where you left it.
perigrinator ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:20:14 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
"Never trust an atom. They make up everything."
chickadee_da ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:22:40 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
These are my favorite kind if jokes! โก Thank you! :D
Jayynolan ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:23:52 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Why did the scarecrow get a promotion? He was outstanding in his field
Why did the chameleon have trouble in bed? He had reptile dysfunction
Why did the koala get a promotion now? He also had all the koalafications
ZackAttack14 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:24:18 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
The man's nuts! Grab um!
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:25:36 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
A guy walks in to a bar... ouch
HawkeDumayne ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:26:05 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
"He's got three Piston cups!" "He did what in his cup?"
accountingjedi ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:29:04 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Did you hear the joke about the sidewalk? No? I'm surprised, it's all around town. Did you hear the joke about the umbrella? No? That's okay, it's over your head.
Tfw_nsfw_at_work ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:29:23 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
How to you get dragon milk?
A cow with no hind legs. Works best to say it out loud.
xXxXhermitXxXx ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:31:36 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Explain Please?
bobdobalina5750 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 00:36:52 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Because a cow with no hind legs would be draggin milk
cwinne ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:29:35 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
What do you call a fish with no eyes? Fsh.
usernameYuNOoriginal ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:29:49 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Why don't you find elephants hiding in trees? Because they are pretty good at it.
mostlyfortrees ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:30:50 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
What do you call a nosy pepper?
Jalapeno business!
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:34:37 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Why do gorillas have big nostrils?
. . .
'Cause they have big fingers!
kurt_go_bang ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:34:55 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
What kind of bees produce milk?
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
BOOBIES!!!!!
kingmillzy ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:37:04 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
"Hey you can tell a train just went through this crossing." What how? "It left it's Tracks behind"
dukemetoo ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:38:07 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
What do you call 7 white guys sitting in a bench?
The NBA
Rabidwalnut ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:39:01 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
More PG rated: three guys are trapped on the edge of a cliff, when one of them finds a lamp. They rub It, and out pops a genie. He says to them; "go ahead and jump off the cliff, and shout what you want to land on. It'll be there when you land." So the first guy jumps, and shouts "pillows!" The second guy jumps, and shouts "marshmallows!" The third guy starts running, but just before he jumps off, he trips on a rock, and shouts "crap!"
SnoggleBosoms ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:40:49 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
What's pink and fluffy?
Pink fluff.
What's blue and fluffy?
Pink fluff holding its breath
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:41:43 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Why do divers fall backwards off the boat?
If they fell forwards they'd still be in the boat.
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:42:02 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
You hear about the camp fire?
It was in tents.
Riff-Ref ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:43:55 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Two pretzels are walking down the street. One was a salted.
chimney_sweep ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:45:00 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
What do you call a boomerang that doesn't come back?
A stick.
galloping_skeptic ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:46:23 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
2 drums and a cymbal fall off a cliff...
Ba Dum Tss
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:47:08 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Guy walks into a bar.
Ow.
logicallyillogical ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:47:30 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
What do you get when you cross a brown chicken and a brown cow.
brow chicka brow cwow
poopspeedstream ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:47:45 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
What's brown and sticky?
A stick.
PaleFlyer ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:47:52 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Guy wants to get his girl something unique. Goes to a pet store, and looks at all the dogs, cats, turtles, fish, et cetra, and they just don't seem special, so he talks to the owner, and explains what he needs. The owner says, "I have just the thing for you! Follow me." They go into the back, and look at a parate. Guy says he doesn't see whats so special. The owner then pulls out his lighter, and holds it under one wing, and the parate starts singing "Oh Silent Night". Holds it under the other wing, and the parate sings "Rudolf, the red nosed reindeer". Guy buys the parate, and on christmas morning, presents it to his lady. She is confused, so he pulls out a lighter, and holds it under one wing, gets "Silent Night", under the other, gets "Rudolf". Then they get this wild idea, and hold the lighter between the parate's legs.
The Parate starts singing "Chestnuts roasting over and open fire!"
Sorry about spelling, phone doesn't know how to spell parate apparently. And neither do I!
peaches9057 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:45:54 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
parrot*
about33ninjas ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:48:31 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
What did the ghost say to the bee?
Boobee
RyeGuyWpg ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:49:05 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Knock knock Who's there? Interrupting Cow Interrup..... MOOOOOOOOOO
I don't know why but when my kids tell me this I laugh every time.
SweetAsPi ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:49:08 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Why did the gum cross the road? Because it was stuck to the chicken's foot!
kauaicuda ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:49:49 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I tried selling belts made from watches. What a waist of time.
pdmcmahon ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:50:03 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
What do you call a cow with no legs?
Ground beef.
TheAlbinoNinja ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:50:13 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I was standing in the park wondering why frisbees get bigger an bigger... then it hit me. - Greg Davies
lappy482 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:50:14 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I went to a nightclub for sea creatures last night.
I pulled a muscle.
runningwithmarbles ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:50:28 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Why was the skeleton scared to cross the road?
He didn't have any guts.
mbrasher1 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:50:29 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
My kids are liking these.
Proprietor ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:51:18 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
A Blonde walks into a Library...
Timeling ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:51:23 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
G? As in German?
Inside_view ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:52:16 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
What kind of bees make milk?
Boo-bees
crumplezone49 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:53:41 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
A skeleton walks into a bar and says, "gimme a beer and a mop."
donkboy ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:54:23 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
We all know why the chicken crossed the road but why did the turtle? To get to the shell station.
DenormalHuman ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:57:11 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
$120 for 8 legs of venison. Is that too dear?
EsbenT ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:57:15 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Anything that comes out of Chelsea FC's masseuse, Billy McCulloch's mouth. Granted, a lot stems from the delivery; but he gets me every time!
sharppocket ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:58:37 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Whats mario and luigi's favorite kind of overalls........ denim denim denim........denim denim denim.
BnL4L ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:58:47 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
A baby seal walks into a club
Cannonball_86 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:59:28 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
My Life
Kellbr08 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:59:40 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
What's the difference between a hippo and a zippo?
One is really heavy and the other is a little lighter
PM_me_your_pastries ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:01:18 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I saw this one recently on Reddit and it just freakin tickles me:
How many South Americans does it take to change a lightbulb?
A Brazilian.
kykleswayzknee ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:01:42 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
what the difference between a jew and a canoe?....canoes tip!
ub3rst4r ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:01:44 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
When someone says their foot hurts, reply with "why don't you call a toe truck?"
Bakenshake09 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:02:21 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Beauty and the Beast. Clock guy: If it's not Baroque, don't fix it!
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:02:28 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Sherlock Holmes and Watson are out in the woods one night, camping. Sherlock looks up into the sky and says:
"Dear Watson... Looking up above us into the night, what can you tell us about our situation?"
Watson looks up for a moment, straining to think. Then, with a glimmer in his eye, he says:
"Well Sherlock, I figure that each of those stars is its own Sun, each with planets just like our own solar system. And there are billions of billions of stars. So even if the chances of intelligent life on an alien world are one in a billion, it still means that, statistically speaking, mankind cannot possibly be alone in the universe."
Sherlock turns to Watson and says:
"No, idiot. It means our tent has been stolen."
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:03:40 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
How come dinosaurs don't talk?
Because they're all dead.
Manice08 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:38:15 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
brian regan lol
Keiyashi ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:06:36 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Q: What did one snowman say to the other snowman?
A: Smells like carrot.
420Grim420 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:06:40 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
A lot of Mitch Hedberg's jokes were G rated. Man I miss that guy!
blgrsshl ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:06:42 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
what do you call a fish without an eye?
fshhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
Thisisstupidly ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:07:01 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
NEED AN ARK? I Noah GUY
WHERE DID NOAH KEEP THE BEES? In the ARK HIVES..
SlicedBreeze ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:07:40 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Why does no one starve in the desert?
Because of all the sand which is in there!!
podpersona ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:09:16 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Q: What is red and invisible? A: No tomatoes! Ahhhhhhhhhhh!!
riverboat ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:09:32 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
What did the boy say when he saw his pony running down the hill?
"Here comes my pony!"
muzza-muzz-dog90 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:10:16 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
What pink and fluffy?
Pink fluff
no_this_is_God ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:10:21 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Recruiter: have you ever thought of joining the army?
Octopus: buddy I'm army enough as it is
areunot_entertained ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:10:29 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Why is six afraid of seven?
Because 7 ate 9.
duckthefuck ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:11:45 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Two guys walk into a bar, one turns to the other and says, "Ow!"
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:12:17 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
The Pope is on tour in the US, being driven in a limo through the middle of nowhere. And since he's been Pope for a while now, it's been a long time since he's driven. He really thinks to himself how badly he wants to drive again.
So he leans forward and tells the limo driver to get in the back, Pope Francis is taking the wheel.
And he's missed it so much, he's speeding and swerving and doing donuts, 80, 90, 120 miles an hour, he's going wild, having the time of his life.
Lo and behold, a local deputy pulls him over.
The deputy moseys out of his car and over to the Pope's limo. The Pope rolls his window down.
The deputy calmly turns away and back to his squad car. He gets on the radio:
"Chief, I just pulled over a reckless driver, but I don't know if I should give him a ticket. He's kind of a big deal."
His radio crackles as a gruff voice blares through:
"Aw shit, did you pull over the governor again?"
"No sir, I think this is bigger than the Governor."
"Bigger than the Governor? Oh hell, you didn't pull over the President, did you?!"
"No sir, I believe this may actually be a bigger deal than the President."
"What in the Hell are you talking about, who's bigger than the President?"
The deputy looks back to the limousine, then says into the radio:
"I don't know, sir, but the Pope's his driver so he's GOTTA be important!"
Kiyoko504 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:12:32 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
So a priest is driving home and as he passes an Intersection a cop pulls him over, the cop asks the priest "sir have you been drinking tonight" to which the Priest responds "why no officer only water" the officers asks "then why do I smell Wine on your breath" to which the priest says, "Oh Lord hes done it again"
Olivesoveroliver ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:13:42 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Did you know diarrhea is hereditary?
It runs in your genes.
a_nickel_don ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:13:55 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
What kind of bees make milk?
Boobies!
assmangiggles ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:14:45 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Where do kings keep their armies? In their sleevies
DarthDefected ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:14:46 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
So a zero and an eight are walking on the the sidewalk, says the zero to the eight; dude you got your belt on tight
Kelli372 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:14:51 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef.
FlashAndPoof ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:15:32 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Why did the chicken cross the road? To get to the ugly person's house. Knock knock.... who's there? The chicken!
Courtesy of reddit from a little child if I recall correctly. :)
llampacas ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:15:37 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
What's brown and sits in the woods? Winnie's poo!
chrispy_bacon ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:15:38 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Which g-rated joke*
enj42 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:15:53 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Reads jokes, upvotes jokes, saves jokes, realizes when the time comes, won't remember jokes.
CanadianJogger ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:01:31 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Same. I'm memorizing the best ones as best as I can. What I should do is put them in a text file and copy it to dropbox, so I have them on my phone.
Cockalorum ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:16:10 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Ohm is driving Heisenberg and Einstein to a conference, they're pulled over for speeding. The officer asks "do you know how fast you were going?" and Einstein says "that would be relative to your perspective."
The officer tells them how fast they were going, and Heisenberg says "Great! Now we're lost!"
He writes them a ticket, Ohm doesn't resist.
fuckedifiknow ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:16:30 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
How does an Octopus go into battle?
Well Armed.
reddawgmcm ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:16:46 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Knock, Knock: Who's there? I eat mop. I eat mop, who? Eww, that's gross
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:16:56 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
If April showers bring May flowers, what do May flowers bring?
Pilgrims.
maidenheII ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:16:58 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
What do you call a fly with no wings?
A walk
bigmak40 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:17:40 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
What's the scariest kind of tree in the forest?
BamBOO
gagreel ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:17:41 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
What's the best thing about living in Switzerland?
I don't know, but the flag is a big plus.
reret10 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:17:58 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
What's green and smells like paint? Green paint.
WhiteCourtesyPhone ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:18:47 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Ok two of them.
1) Why didn't the shrimp share? He's a little shel-fish :)
2) What did the jar of mayo say when someone opened the fridge door? Shut the door I'm dressing!
Edit: I can't spell. :)
masher70 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:19:34 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
So a dog walks in to an old west saloon...
He walks up to the bar and says, "Bartender, I'll have a sasparilla!"
The bartender gives him a funny look, but gets him his drink.
Just as the dog goes to sip his drink, POW! A guy at the end of the bar shoots the glass out of his hand. "I ain't drinking in no stinking bar with no stinking dog!"
The dog grabs his injured hand and scurries out of the bar.
The next day, everyone is sitting in the saloon again when SLAM! The doors to the saloon fly open, and there silhouetted by the outdoor sun, is the dog...
He strides in to the bar, wearing a black hat, black boots, he's got a black gun belt with two black revolvers, and a black bandage on his hurt hand...
And he says, "I'm looking for the man who shot my paw!"
axionj ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:20:31 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
A horse walks in to a bar. Bartender asks, "Why the long face?"
picassojawbone ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:20:44 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
There was a pirate captain that always wore a red shirt during battle. He wore the shirt so his crew would not know if he had been injured and would not lose morale.
One day, his first mate cones running to him. "Captain, there is a british naval ship on the horizon!". The captain grunted, "Aye, Bring me my red shirt." They won the battle with ease.
The next day, the first mate cries "Captain! There are five brisih naval ships on the horizon!". The captain took a deep breath and said, "Bring me my red shirt.". After a long battle with many casualties, the british ships finally retreated.
The next day, during the funerals for the Captain's fallen men, he looked out into the horizon. He turned to his first mate and mumbled "Tell me what ye see, boy.". "Captain," the first mate replied, "I see the entire British Navy.". "Aye," the captain sighs, "Boy. I need you to do me a favor. I need you to find me brown pants."
chaitinator ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:21:33 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I came up with it - what would iggy azalea say if she was blind? "I'm so can't see"
andIwaslike_weeeeeee ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:22:04 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
What's brown and sticky? A stick.
Cookies_in_your_butt ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:22:18 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Why don't cannibals eat clowns? They taste funny.
Jacosion ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:22:47 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Why do you never see elephants hiding in trees?
Because they are really good at it.
I stole this joke from the last time a thread like this was posted.
francesca3911 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:23:51 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I walked into a bar the other night. It hurt.
You_have_a_butt ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:24:44 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Knock knock. Who's there. I eat mop. I eat mop who. OH haha I get it.
Sharkaac ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:25:14 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
How many tickles does it take to tickle an octopus? Tentickles...
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:26:08 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
What do you call a girl with no arms and no legs?
Mary
Knock Knock. Who's there?
Not Mary.
BlueEyedNerdGirl ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:26:13 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Where do you find a dog with no legs? Right where you left him.
What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef.
All my favorite jokes are animals that are just torsos.
Malfeasant ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:50:18 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
What do you call a man with no arms or legs floating in a pool?
Bob.
TherapeuticThrowback ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:26:35 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
A mushroom walks into a bar.
Bartender: Your kind ain't allowed here!
Mushroom: Why not? I'm a fungi...
zakats ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:26:41 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Kanye West loves fishsticks.
pervcore ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:26:46 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Two muffins are sitting in an oven
One muffin says to the other: "Sure is hot in here"
The other muffin replies: "WHOA! A TALKING MUFFIN!"
inquisitorthreefive ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:26:49 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
So I was in the Army. All services joke about each other. Here's my favorite.
A sailor walks into the local VFW after getting out of the Navy. The bar is almost empty except for three rather large gentlemen at the bar. He sits down nearby at the bar at begins to drink. Wanting to strike up conversation he leans over and says, "Hey, want to hear a Marine joke?"
The man next to him raises an eyebrow and looks at the sailor. "Look, buddy, I'm six foot tall, two hundred pounds and I'm a Marine. The guy next to me is 6'2" 225 and also a Marine. The other guy next to him is 6'5" 270 pounds. He's a Marine, too. Still want to tell your little joke?"
The sailor sighs, and turns back to his beer. Defeated, he says, "No. I don't want to have to explain it three times."
_Magnolia_ ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:26:50 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
My trig teacher would use the word "kicklike" in word problems. Like, if you get two kicklikes a day for three days, how many do you have? (But. More trig-ish).
And she would just wait till someone asked, "What's a kicklike?"
She'd say, "Oh, come to the front of the classroom and I'll show you!"
She never kicked anyone hard though.
Maoman1 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:27:56 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
What do you call a fly with no wings?
A walk
ThatsaNottaMyBoat ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:28:12 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
-I saw there's a new wanted poster up, some feller wearing paper chaps, a paper vest, and a paper hat.
-Yeah? What's he wanted for?
-Rustlin'
Splendidissimus ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:28:31 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
What's yellow and can't swim? Bulldozer.
-4d3d3d3- ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:28:43 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Duck goes into a convenience store and says, "Give me some chapstick and put it on my bill."
EdHuCast ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:29:26 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Why did the dog go into the shade? It didn't want to be a hotdog.
Derf_Jagged ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:29:29 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
"What does "IDK" stand for?"
Other Person: "I don't know"
"Me either!"
scchris ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:29:47 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
What do you call two Mexican fireman? Jose and hose b
LooSeMeaT ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:30:35 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
What's brown and rhymes with snoop?
Dr. Dre
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:30:41 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Why was 6 afraid of 7?
Because 7 is a registered felon with a history of aggravated assault and domestic abuse.
RabbitsOnAChalkboard ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:30:46 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
It's Ms. Patricia Wack's first day at her new job as a bank teller, and she's feeling totally overwhelmed. Suddenly, a frog hops into the bank and up to her teller.
"Good afternoon, my name is Mick Jagger, Jr. I'm here to take out a loan."
Flustered, Patricia asks, "how much will you be taking out?"
"$50,000."
"Mr. Jagger, for a large loan I'm going to need some form of collateral."
At this, the frog reaches into his pocket and produces a small porcelain elephant. "This should cover it," he says.
Patricia takes the elephant and, baffled, excuses herself to go speak with her manager in the back. She hurriedly explains the situation. "...and I don't even know what this elephant thing is!!"
The manager sighs sympathetically and says,
"It's a knick-knack, Patty Whack. Give the frog a loan. His old man's a Rolling Stone."
Advocate_Diplomacy ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:31:22 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
How do you top a car?
You tep on the brake, tupid.
spoink22 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:31:30 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Q) What's the difference between a golfer and a skydiver?
A) One goes: "SMACK! ...Aw, man!". The other goes "...Aw, man! SMACK!"
KaossKing ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:31:59 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Did you hear about the psychic midget that escaped from jail?
Small medium at large
CanadianJogger ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 01:46:31 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Yeah? Well what do you call a short eskimo with a hard on?
A frigid midget with a rigid digit.
BadBoyJH ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:32:06 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
B N A G
...
Well that's just bang out of order isn't it.
Fumbler88 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:32:06 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
What did the zero say to the eight? Niiiiiice belt.
Maoman1 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:32:12 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Knock knock
Who's there?
Interrupting cow.
Interrupting c-
MOOO!
you_cant_banme ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:33:15 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
What's red and smells like blue paint?
Red paint.
Yo mama's so fat, that your family is concerned she may have weight-related health issues.
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:33:33 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
What did the blind man say when he picked up a basketball?
"Blech, who wrote this??"
catvenger ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:33:40 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Have you seen Stevie Wonder's new house? Neither has he!
picassojawbone ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:34:08 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
What are the Mario Brother's overalls made from?
Denim Denim Denim.
aka_liam ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:34:20 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
What do you do when you see a space man?
Park your car, man.
HOOAH51 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:35:01 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
What has 9 arms and sucks? Def Leppard
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:35:21 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Q: How many Community-college Freshmen does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Trick question, that's a sophomore course.
Fearlessleader85 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:36:07 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Ask me if I'm a truck.
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:40:13 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
If I'm a truck?
Fearlessleader85 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:42:23 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
No?
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:36:26 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Knock-Knock!
Who's there?
Home invaders.
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:37:01 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
What kind of bee makes milk?
A Boo-bee.
vampiremonkeykiller ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:37:34 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
A baby seal walks into a club...
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:38:13 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)*
If, inside a circle, a line
Hits the center and runs spine to spine,
And the line's length is 'd,'
The circumference will be
D times 3.14159.
ChiefAcorn ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:38:18 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Why was 6 afraid of 7?
Because 7 ate 9.
Why are cemeteries surrounded by a fence?
Because people are dying to get in.
YJCH0I ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:39:46 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Wanna hear a short joke?
jok
Wanna hear a long joke?
joooooooooooooooooooooke
BrightBurner ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:40:07 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
A guy trips over a drum kit.
bu dum tss
Kr3dibl3 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:40:22 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
What did the ocean say to the shore?
Nothing, it just waved.
thatkunt ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:40:26 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Knock Knock. Who's there? Europe. Europe who? No, you're a poo.
Grimra ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:41:00 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
What do you call an alligator in a vest?
An investigator.
jxhnb5 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:41:12 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
What does a nozy pepper do?
spacemanspiff30 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:41:37 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Two men walk into a bar, the third one ducks.
bardownhockey16 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:41:39 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
The best joke I've ever heard. Gets me every time. (Need audio) https://twitter.com/funnyvideogame/status/625913954133540865
Phreakiture ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:42:03 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Here's two for the price of one:
Two antennas got married. It wasn't much of a ceremony but the reception was wonderful.
A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
Dreyfus00 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:42:14 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Works best when driving: 1: (Look out the window) "Hey did you see that flock of cows?" 2: Wut? 1: "I say did you see that flock of cows?" 2: 'HEARD' 1: "What?!" 2: 'HEARD of cows' 1: "Of COURSE i heard of cows, we just passed a flock of 'em"
ClassyBurn ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:42:17 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
3 strings walk in to a bar and order drinks.. the bartender looks at them and says, are you guys strings? we don't serve strings in here, get out.
Then they're outside and one of the strings is like, hey guys, I'm going to put on this Jean jacket and mustache and see if I can get us in.
String goes in, bartender yells, hey! Aren't you a string? get outta here!
The second string is like, let me try this wig and purse and see if I can pass as a girl and get in.
String goes in, bartender yells, hey! Are you a string? get outta here!
Damnit! Says the third string. Wtf are we going to do? Wait.. he says, I have an idea.. I'll mess up my hair and tie myself all up.. I'll get in for sure this time!
So the third string walks in to the bar and the bartender looks at him and asks.. 'hey there! Aren't you a string? We don't serve strings in here..
And third string says..
Nope! I'm afraid not!
MetalEd ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:42:38 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Why do firemen wear red suspenders?
To hold their pants up.
whoshereforthemoney ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:43:45 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Muffin joke.
Two muffins are in an oven and the first muffin says "is it just me or is getting hot in here?"
And the second muffin replies "HOLY SHIT A TALKING MUFFIN?!?!!!"
ryan_503 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:43:55 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Where does Frosty the snowman keep his money? . . . Wait for it.... . . . In a snow bank! Ha Ha Ha
vidvicious ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:44:34 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Why do elephants paint their toenails red? So they can hide in cherry trees. Ever see one?
Richeh ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:45:16 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Why are there no painkillers in the jungle?
Because the paracetamol.
No0o0odle ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:45:30 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Two snowmen were standing in a field. One says to the other, do you smell carrots?
AllTheGoodOnesBeGone ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:45:51 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
What's black and white and "red" all over? A newspaper.
scags23 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:46:05 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
why'd the chicken cross the park? To get to the other slide.
locotx ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:38:18 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
why did the chicken cross the playground? To get to to the other SLLLLLIde
Tremodian ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:47:22 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Knock knock
Who's there?
To
uh ... to who?
ahem, it's "to whom."
BickleTickle ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:47:38 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Where can you find a turtle with no legs and no arms?
Right where you left it.
sdh68k ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:47:50 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)*
Why does Edward Woodwood have four d's in his name? Because if he didn't, he'd be Ewar Woowoo.
LawWatchScotch ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:53:47 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
You missed a d.
sdh68k ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:43:35 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I am an idiot. Corrected. Thanks.
LawWatchScotch ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:52:08 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
:)
Anarchopunk123 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:48:27 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
2 men walk into a bar. The 3rd man ducks.
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:51:23 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
A man walks into a police station and says, "I've just been assaulted".
"I'm sorry sir, what did the assailant look like?"
"I'm not sure, he just strolled up behind me and punched me in the kidleys"
"The kidleys sir?...do you mean your kidneys?"
"I said kidleys diddle I?"
minicpst ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:51:46 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
My 13 year old just told me this one.
Roses are red. Violets are red. Trees are red. I set your garden on fire.
escherbach ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:52:02 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
What is G-rated
Doctor, doctor I've only got 59 seconds to live!!!!
Wait a minute.
longdrinkmcg ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:52:03 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
A horse walks into a bar. Bartender says, "Why the long face?"
chbkny ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:52:35 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
What's red and sits in the corner? A naughty strawberry.
What's blue and sits in the corner? A cold naughty strawberry.
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:53:09 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
A baby chick lifted its leg. He liked it, so he lifted the other one. He fell down.
ALocalHobo ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:53:46 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
What did the ocean say to the beach? Nothing it just waved.
Takumi86 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:53:48 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
paging r/dadjokes
zenkibudo ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:54:07 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Dog walks into a bar (...) "You shot my paw"
Zechnophobe ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:57:05 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Sir Mix-A-lot came got accused of rampant sexism for his classic hit 'baby got back'.
But I think it's a bum rap.
tigerscomeatnight ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:57:15 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Oil can. Oil can what?
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:57:50 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Why do elephants paint their toenails red?
So they can hide in cherry trees.
Don't believe me? Well, have you ever seen an elephant hiding in a cherry tree?
No? Then their disguise must work pretty well!
cqxray ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:58:10 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
A little boy peeps into his parents' bedroom while they are doing it. He says: "Holy cow. And these people yell at me for picking my nose."
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:58:15 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Why do sharks swim in salt water?
Because pepper water makes them sneeze.
Breedlove88 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:58:37 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
What did the man with no hands get for his birthday?
I dunno. He hasn't opened it yet.
susieeQT ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:59:13 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
How do you make a tissue dance?
You put a little boogie in it!
gotmypriorities ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:59:30 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
A skeleton walks into a bar and says "Give me a beer and a mop."
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:59:51 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Two guys are fishing one Sunday afternoon, and they seen a funeral procession going down the road by the lake. One man stands up straight and holds his hat in front of his chest until the hearse passes. His friend says "Gosh Stan, that was really respectful."
Stan replies, "Well, we were married 40 years."
MoarGhosts ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:00:25 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
What's brown and sticky?
A stick!!
socialhazard ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:02:36 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Why did the chicken cross the road?
To prove to the raccoon that it could, in fact, be done.
ameliagillis ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:03:25 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Whats long, brown and sticky?
A stick!
ClubSoda ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:04:09 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
During the lunch meal in prison somebody yells out "64" and everybody starts laughing. A few minutes later, somebody else yells "114", even more laughing. A new prisoner is confused by the laughter and asks a buddy next to him, "What's going on? Why is everybody laughing at numbers?" The buddy replies, "Well, since we've all been here so long, we know all the jokes and heard them so many times, we decided to save time by just numbering them and yelling out the number for that joke." The new prisoner is amazed and is eager to fit in so he goes about memorizing the jokes and their associated numbers for the next week. Pleased with his efforts, the new prisoner at the following week's lunch meal yells out "35" and looks around. Silence. Nobody laughs. Then he yells "78". Again, just silence and awkward stares from the other prisoners. "I don't understand it. I've got all the joke numbers memorized. Why isn't everybody laughing?" he asks his buddy. He replies, "Well, don't take this wrong way, but I guess not everybody can tell a joke."
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:04:11 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I got this from reddit. Why did the chicken cross the road... To see the ugly girl...... (no one laughed)....... Here is another one, Knock knock.. "who is there"... The chicken
bro-en_-eyboard ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:04:16 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Saw one in a similar thread. Goes something like this:
And God said unto John, "Come forth and I shall grant you eternal life." But John came fifth and won a toaster.
picassojawbone ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:04:21 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
A mother took her daughter to the park. Soon the little girl was playing with two sisters. Her mother asked her to introduce them to her. Her daughter said "Mom, this is Tulip and Rose. They are named after the first thing that touched their head after they were born." Her mother then noticed another girl, standing off on her own to the side. The girl was sucking on a rock and making loud, unintelligible sounds.. "Who's that?" The mother asked. "Oh," her daughter said sadly, "That's their little sister, Cinderblock."
iamtheowlman ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:04:27 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
"Wearing a heavy backpack and a turtleneck is like you're being choked by a weak midget."
Mitch Hedburg.
ohiBROfratstar ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:05:35 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
How many tickles does it take to make an octopus laugh?
Ten tickles lololol
Woogetron ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:06:06 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Did you hear the one about the roof? It's probably over your head anyway
spredditgood ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:06:14 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Dwayne.
Dwayne who?
Dwayne da bafftub! I'm dwownin'!
Trust_Me_Im_Right ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:06:20 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Why did the chicken cross the road? To get to the morons house.
Knock knock. Who's there? The chicken
Everyusernametaken1 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:06:22 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
How do you create a space mission ? You planet.
adammichelini ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:06:24 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
What is the name of E.T.'s Italian cousin?
Ziti
flipht ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:06:25 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Where did napoleon put his armies? In his sleevies!
YoungHeartsAmerica ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:06:40 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Where does the Loan Ranger take his trash?
-To the dump, to the dump, to the dump, dump, dump, dump (in the melody of the theme song)
quietkoala ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:06:48 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Why do seagulls fly by the sea? If they flew by the bay, they would be bagels.
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:08:08 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I stole the exact write-up from the first place I could find it on Google. I think I read it in Reader's Digest before.
One night, a Delta twin-engine puddle jumper was flying somewhere above New Jersey. There were five people on board: the pilot, Michael Jordan, Bill Gates, The Dali Lama, and a hippie. Suddenly, an illegal oxygen generator exploded loudly in the luggage compartment, and the passenger cabin began to fill with smoke. The cockpit door opened, and the pilot burst into the compartment.
"Gentlemen," he began, "I have good news and bad news. The bad news is that we're about to crash in New Jersey. The good news is that there are four parachutes, and I have one of them!"
With that, the pilot threw open the door and jumped from the plane. Michael Jordan was on his feet in a flash. "Gentlemen," he said, "I am the world's greatest athlete. The world needs great athletes. I think the world's greatest athlete should have a parachute!"
With these words, he grabbed one of the remaining parachutes, and hurtled through the door and into the night.
Bill Gates rose and said, "Gentlemen, I am the world's smartest man. The world needs smart men. I think the world's smartest man should have parachute, too."
He grabbed one, and out he jumped.
The Dali Lama and the hippie looked at one another. Finally, the Dali Lama spoke. "My son," he said, "I have lived a satisfying life and have known the bliss of True Enlightenment. You have your life ahead of you, you take a parachute, and I will go down with the plane."
The hippie smiled slowly and said, "Hey, don't worry, pop. The world's smartest man just jumped out wearing my backpack."
sweetjPDX ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:08:10 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Why can't Sally swing on the swings?
Because she has no arms.
Knock-knock!
Who's there?
Not Sally.
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:08:22 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
A jew sends his son to israel to learn about his heritage. He comes back and says "Dad, I've converted to christianity."
His father is very concerned and goes to talk to the rabbi.
Rabbi says "You situation is very interesting. I too, sent my son to israel and he converted to christianity. We should ask god about it."
So they prayed, and god said "Very peculiar story, you see I, too, sent my son to israel..."
AlexanderLaska ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:08:34 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
A three-legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West. He saddles up to the bar and announces, "I'm looking for the man who shot my paw."
iowaguy45 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:08:59 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
rectum? darn near killed 'em.
cinnamaroll ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:09:02 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
What happened to the cat that ate a ball of yarn?
She had mittens.
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:09:06 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
"Hey man, there's a hole in your jeans. Let me cut it out for you."
My grandfather tells my sister this every time we're together since she's a teenage girl who likes to buy jeans with holes. Kills me every time.
funkyhamwich ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:09:14 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
How many tickles does it take to make an octopus laugh?
Tentacles
funkyhamwich ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:10:00 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
What do you call a cow with no legs?
Ground beef.
locotx ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:23:32 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
What do you call a cow with only right legs? Lean beef.
nervousnell89 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:10:02 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
A blind man walks into a bar.
nianp ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:10:15 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Why did Sarah fall off the swing? Because she had no arms.
Knock, Knock.
Who's there?
Not Sarah.
Swamifred ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:10:24 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
When birds fly in the "V" formation, why is one side longer than the other?
There's more birds on that side.
Rambo7112 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:10:26 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
What do you call a snobby convict walking down the stairs? A condescending con descending.
Dastardlydoom ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:10:44 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
What do you call innocent little girls playing cards? Virgin rummy
Rambo7112 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:11:13 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Why was the pop can sad? He was soda pressed.
TheNoobAtThis ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:11:21 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Your mother.
Ramoach ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:11:26 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Why is there no aspirin in the jungle?
Because the parrotseatemall.
Dastardlydoom ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:12:01 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
What is a dentist favorite activity at a cowboy ranch? To fluoride the horses.
cantthinkatall ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:12:52 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Why did the cookie go to the doctor? Because he felt crumby.
chuckiedorris ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:12:55 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
These are all dad jokes.
DMZ_5 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:13:08 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
A man walk into a bar, the man was blind.
Meester_Tweester ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:13:23 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Have you heard of the new corduroy pillows?
They're making head lines.
HolyMollyGodBless ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:13:24 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
What's brown and sticky? A stick.
Dastardlydoom ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:13:30 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
What is a Greaks favorite motto? To olive and not die.
picassojawbone ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:13:39 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
A teacher was worried about her Student's self-esteem. She thought if they discussed their insecurities, it would help. So one day she asks her class, "Everyone, please stand up if you think you're ugly." No one stood. "Come on, don't be shy." She encouraged. Finally, one little girl stood. The teacher smiled softly, and said "Mary, why do you think youre ugly?" Mary replied, "I don't, I just felt bad for you standing up there all by yourself."
Dastardlydoom ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:15:36 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
What start with f and ends with uck? Firetruck
KarmaFindsU ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:15:59 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
ITT: Some of the best jokes i have ever read...Thanks!
eenaanee ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:16:12 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
What's a Freudian slip? When you say one thing, but mean your mother!
wilbureduke ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:17:12 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
three birds, a family, sitting on a wire. dad says "my instincts say we should fly north". mother says "my instinct say we should fly south". baby birds says "my end stinks, but it don't say anything bout going anywhere".
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:17:29 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Why should you never trust Adams?
They make up everything!
B170755 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:17:33 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
A man comes in from fishing on the lake, his wife decides to go out in the boat and relax. She is reading a book when the game warden comes along side and asks for her license. She says " I just came out on the water to relax I'm not fishing". The warden says " you have the poles and all the equipment, I'll have to cite you." To Wichita the wife replied " What's you name so I can put it on the sexual harassment suite. " What do you mean I haven't touched you", she replies " Well you have all the equipment" . The warden says " you have a nice day ma'am."
PM_ME_UR_FLOWERS ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:32:30 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Game wardens in Kansas is so stupid!
B170755 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 11:55:28 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Stupid spell check supposed to be to witch
eenaanee ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:17:40 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
What would the San Francisco skyline be without the Transamerica pyramid? ...pointless!
strykazoid ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:17:54 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Two racing fish swim head first into a wall. One looks at the other and says "Dam."
sonaknezom ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:17:58 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
What is Mario's favorite type of pants?
Denim, denim, denim.
tinkafoo ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:18:01 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?
-- Steven Wright
Cruzoa ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:18:24 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Mushroom walks into a restaurant and waits to be seated. Waiter says to him, sorry we don't serve your kind here. Mushroom says,"come on, I'm a FUNGI."
cuntalopeslices ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:18:30 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Why did the hippy drown in the ocean? Because he was too far out maan
Pringlend ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:18:31 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Why do firemen wear red suspenders? To hold their pants up.
spaztig ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:18:33 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
What are Mario's overalls made of? Denim, denim, denim.
ClubZen ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:18:35 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Why did the scarecrow get a promotion?
because he was out standing in his field.
funkyhamwich ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:18:52 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
A blind guy walks into a bar...
And a chair, and a table, and the wall, and....etc
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:19:55 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Why were Native Americans here first?
They had reservations
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:20:13 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
What do you do to an elephant with 3 balls?
Walk him and pitch to the rhino.
socialhazard ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:20:35 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
This is a loooong one . . . Three blondes die in a car crash and ascend to the pearly gates to meet St. Peter. He explains to them that although they are decent people, they will need to correctly answer a question - "What is the meaning of Easter?" The first blond says "Is easter when you get together with your family, roast a big turkey and give thanks for everything you have in your life??", St. Peter responds, "No my dear, I believe you're thinking of Thanksgiving." The next blonde thinks for awhile and answers "Easter is when you dress up in a scary costume and go trick-or-treating and look at all of the jack-o-lanterns!" Dismayed, St. Peter tells her "No sweetie, that's Halloween." Without much hope left, he turns to the third blonde who's been in deep contemplation the entire time. After a moment she begins "I think easter is when we remember when Jesus had the last supper with all of his disciples, and was betrayed by Judas. Later he was arrested and sentenced to die by Pontius Pilate. He was beaten and eventually nailed to a cross." St. Peter is impressed and says "That's right! Can you tell me what happened next?" The blonde thinks hard and says, "Well . . .Jesus eventually died on the cross and his body was taken down by his followers and put into a small cave, and they rolled a big stone in front of the entrance." St. Peter is sure he's found a winner, but has to be sure. He asks the third blonde "You're right so far, but what's the most important part of the story?" The blonde again thinks hard and says, "Well, they rolled the stone aside after three days . . . and if Jesus pops out and sees his shadow it mean's there's six more weeks of winter."
Ba-dum-tsch.
FOOLAnonymous ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:20:39 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
The moose joke
SoundsPlausible ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:21:04 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
How do you clean a tuba? With a tube of toothpaste!
lies_like_slender ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:21:22 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
How do you tip a cow over?
You give it a dollar
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:21:34 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WfOVV7iUp10
funkyhamwich ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:21:36 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
How do you make a tissue dance?
You put a little boogie in it.
SoundsPlausible ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:21:37 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
What is Salvador Dali's favorite breakfast? Surreal!
spaztig ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:21:38 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
What's the difference between people in Dubai and people in Abu Dhabi? People in Dubai don't watch the the Flintstones, people in Abu Dhabi do. Edit - removed words
Vole182 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:21:46 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
What did the fish say when it hit the wall? Dam
Megacherv ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:21:47 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Why do cows look over walls?
Because they can't see through them
Slimetail ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:22:16 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
What do you get when you cross an avocado and a crocodile?
[Crocamole!]
shennanigram ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:22:21 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
What's black and round and rhymes with grass? A tire. I was lying about the rhyme
Formshifter ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:22:28 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
a skeleton walks into a bar.
he orders a beer AND A MOP
wiloworm ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:22:30 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Wanna hear a joke about sodium? Na.
JessKilgour ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:23:30 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
What do you call a man in a pile of leaves?
Russell!
asianmentalhealth ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:24:23 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Wanna hear a joke about a broken pencil? Nevermind, it's pointless.
ducksbyob ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:24:31 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Two fish are in a tank. One looks to the other and says, "You man the guns, I'll drive".
SsurebreC ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:24:56 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
It's long but I love the joke:
Bartley MacDermott wants a job, but the boss wonโt hire him until he passes a simple math test. The boss says:
Bartley say:
Bartley proceeds to draw three trees. The boss asks:
To which Bartley replies:
The boss responds:
Bartley stares into space for a while, then picks up the picture that he has just drawn and makes a smudge on each tree..
The boss scratches his head and says:
To which Bartley replies:
The boss is getting worried that heโs actually going to have to hire Bartley, so he says:
Bartley stares into space a bit, then he picks up the picture and makes a little mark at the base of each tree and says,
The boss looks at the picture:
Bartley leans forward and points to the marks at the base of each tree and says:
Barley is now the new supervisor!
Dirty-Freakin-Dan ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:25:44 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Two fish are in a tank. One turns to the other and says "Do you know how to drive this thing?"
Freakaloin ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:26:14 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
You know why six is scared of seven?
Cuz seven eight nine...
bumpymaker ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:26:21 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Why did the snail put an "s" on the side of his race car? So when he drove by the stands, they would yell "go s car go!" (escargot... Har har har)
mlapping ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:26:36 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Have you heard about the new corduroy pillows? They're making headlines!
devildocjames ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:27:18 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Diarrhea runs in your genes.
xwithnumbers ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:27:39 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
What is white and on the bottom of your shoe?
Stop looking at the bottom of your shoe.
Slayerworld7 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:28:04 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
What do middle eastern people call sandpaper?
A map.
Hacker535 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:28:20 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
What were the last words spoken at the last supper?
"Alright, everyone who wants to be in the picture get on this side of the table!"
machu_pikacchu ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:28:55 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I just flew back from the Transformers convention, and boy are my arms tires!
devildocjames ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:29:09 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
What's Bruce Lee's favorite drink?
Wataaaaa!
shana125 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:30:07 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
What happens when an elephant sits on your fence?
Time to get a new fence.
(This was my favorite joke in preschool and I literally told it to everyone)
Lavargian ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:30:24 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
The meaning behind "Be there, or be square." Because if you're not there, you're not...a round
CalvinistBaptist ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:31:03 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
3 frogs are hanging out at a bar. The bartender hands them a basket of flies as an appetizer. One frog smiles at the other two and says, "Time's fun when you're having flies."
davelog ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:31:04 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
My dog loves pizza. Yesterday he ate a pizza the mailman.
Singel48 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:31:07 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
What animal can jump higher than a pyramid? All of them, because a pyramid can't jump!
justinarms ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:31:30 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
This guy is driving down a busy country highway when he spots a duck trying to cross the road. The man decides he's going to help the duck so he pulls over but he's not sure what he should do! So he brings the duck to a nearby police station and talks to the officer at the desk.
"Hey, I found this duck trying to cross a busy road. What should I do with it?"
"Well jeez, I'm not sure.." After pondering the situation for a few moments, the cop snaps his fingers. "I've got it! Why don't you bring him to the zoo? He'll love it there"
"Great idea!", the man says.
The next day, the police officer is walking downtown when he sees the man from yesterday, and he is still holding the duck! The officer jogs over to question the man.
"Sir, what are you still doing with that duck? I thought I told you to bring him to the zoo!"
"Oh well, I did, but that was yesterday. Today we're going to the movies!"
Singel48 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:31:47 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
What's a ninja's favorite kind of shoe?
Sneak-ers
thereisonlyoneme ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:31:48 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
What did the dog say when he sat on sandpaper?
Ruff.
trw931 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:32:40 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
What is Marios favorite fruit?
(In a Mario esque noise) ba na na na na na
LinkRazr ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:33:03 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Two muffins are in the oven. One muffins says, "is it getting hot in here or is it just me?"
The other muffin says, "holy cow! A talking muffin!"
thinkaboutfun ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:33:29 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I keep trying to get the trash removal to pick up my recycling bin but they just leave it at the curb every week
PicklesBC ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:33:31 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
A man and his friend are heading to a party hosted by one of the friend's acquaintances. They are just pulling into the driveway of the ritziest house in the ritziest part of town. As they near the door, the friend cautions the man: "The guys who's hosting this party is really nice, but just promise me you won't stare, and for the love of God, PLEASE don't ask about his head." The man, taken aback by such a strange warning, says "Uh, sure, I guess?" The friend nods solemnly as they enter the house. And what a house. The room they enter into has huge vaulted ceilings, tasteful but obviously ludicrously expensive decorations, and a crowd of the most finely dressed, beautiful people you can imagine. The man takes in the room as his friend wanders off to greet some people he knows. "Good lord," the man thinks to himself "whoever owns this house must be stupendously lucky!" The man started mingling, eyeballing the decor, enjoying the free (very expensive) drinks and making small talk here and there.
In a search for more drinks, the man wandered over to an adjacent room to the large one he had originally entered into. While he lifted another glass of champagne from the nearest butler, his jaw dropped as his eyes locked on what could only be the host. Tall, immaculately dressed, and on the arm of a woman of unparalleled beauty, the host of the party also sported an enormous, round, orange head. As if his skull had been replaced by an orange the size of a beach ball, but otherwise having a normal-sized, albeit very orange, face. The man stood aghast. He wanted to look away, but could not. A million questions ran through his head. How had the man come to have such an enormous orange head? How was he still alive? Did it smell like an orange? Was it peel-able? But, remembering his promise to his friend, the man composed himself and walked back to the main room.
The night went on, and the man had an excellent time, talking with beautiful people and enjoying glass after glass of excellent champagne. Occasionally, he would catch sight of the host, and quickly wander off to another room to avoid embarrassing himself. But after his drink count had meandered into the double digits, his curiosity was harder and harder to ignore. After downing something like his thirteenth glass, and spying the host alone for a brief second, the man could hold it in no longer and approached him. The host saw him coming and greeted him with a knowing smile. "How do you do?" the host asked, "are you enjoying yourself?" "Yes, absolutely. Your house is amazing, and these people are all charming and gorgeous. You are very lucky. But... I have to ask..." "About my enormous orange head?" the host lightly sighed, "Well, I was a famous archaeologist on a trip to the Dark Continent, when I happened across a treasure trove unlike anything you could imagine, artefacts older and in better shape than had ever been discovered before. But one in particular caught my eye. It was a lamp. And I know this sounds trite, but I thought I'd give it a rub, just in case. Sure enough, a genie emerged, and offered to grant me three wishes! Naturally, my first wish was for fabulous wealth, which you can see by my house I most certainly got. My second wish was to meet and wed the perfect woman, and I certainly got that, and more. The third..." "Yes? Yes?" the man was practically drooling with anticipation. "... And I think this is where I went wrong. My third wish was to have an enormous orange head."
Wheat_Germ ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:34:03 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
How do you make a Kleenex dance?
You put a little boogie in it.
Granpa_Strange ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:34:47 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Wanna hear a dirty joke? Two pigs in the mud. Wanna hear a family joke? Three pigs came out!
goldenguurl ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:35:00 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
What do you call a nosey pepper? Jalapeรฑo business.
swhit94 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:35:04 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
What do you call an escaped bird?
A polygon.
bukithd ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:35:13 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Why does snoop Dogg carry an umbrella? For drizzle.
yeskevinlad277 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:35:51 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
A group of church ministers set up their own bowling team. What do they call themselves?
They call themselves 'The Holy Rollers'.
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:35:51 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
What do you call a three legged donkey? A wonky
electric_oven ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:36:23 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
This two-parter really works well with my 9th grade students.
Why did the chicken cross the road? To get to the ugly guy's house.
Knock knock, who's there? THE CHICKEN (proceed to do your chicken a la Arrested Development)
Joe234248 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:37:33 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Why are giraffes' necks so long?
Because their feet smell bad
PenelopeDanger ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:37:58 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Saved
TheManFromFarAway ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:38:19 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
A horse walks into a bar, sits down for a drink, and the bartender says, "Why the long face?"
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:51:01 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Hey, that's offensive man.
TheMissusK ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:38:27 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
What kind of pants does Super Mario wear?
Denim denim denim
And, always,
What do you call cheese that's not yours?
Nacho cheese!
Every. TIME.
jiggypopjig ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:38:31 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Why did the math book kill himself?
Because he had a lot of problems.
Heyderhoder ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:41:54 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Did you hear the one about the corduroy pillows?
It's making all the headlines!
chanicorn ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:42:13 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
One day, a man with no arms went to a bell tower to apply to become the bell ringer. Doubtful that the man could do the job, the proprietor asked him to try ringing it before a decision was made. The armless man ran towards the bell and hit it with his head, producing such a beautiful sound that the proprietor decided to hire him. The next day was his first day on the job, but as he ran towards the bell, he slipped and fell off the tower, which unfortunately killed him. Two men who were on the street below saw this happen and one of them asked the other, "Who is that?" to which his friend replied, "I don't know, but his face rings a bell."
KyResident ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:43:30 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Why wouldn't the skeleton cross the road? He didn't have the guts!
its-limitededition ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:43:58 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Why is 6 so afraid of 7?
Because seven eight nine.
darthbane21 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:44:08 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Where can you find a good panini?
In my panants.
KyResident ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:44:27 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Why was the little Strawberry crying? Her Mommy was in a Jam!
high-jinkx ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:45:17 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
What's brown and sticky?
A stick.
Daforce1 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:47:20 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Why don't elephants use suitcases?
They prefer trunks
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:47:29 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Patrick: you're good, you're good, you're good (crash)
dawgyson ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:47:49 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
A day before his 15th birthday, the son of a wealthy family was asked by his father, `Well my son, what would you like for your birthday?'
The son hesitated a moment and his father's thoughts leapt ahead to a new computer and similar things. However, his son had had a new computer only recently and could have a new one any time he wished.
Finally, the son said, `Father, I have everything a boy could wish for, but there is one thing I would really like. I would love to have a pink ping pong ball.'
The father was rather astonished at this wish, but said, `If it is a pink ping pong ball that you want, a pink ping pong ball you shall have.'
And so, the next day, the son was given as his bithday present a pink ping pong ball.
The boy took the ball to his room and the next morning the pink ping pong ball was gone. The father was mildly surprised but decided not to say anything. The pink ping pong ball, however, was never seen again.
The next year, a day before his 16th birthday, the father asked his son what he would like for his birthday.
Father,' replied the son,I have everything a boy could possibly wish for, but there is one thing I would really, really like. I would love to have a tenpack of pink ping pong balls.'The father was more surprised than the year before, but kept his curiosity at bay, for he knew that his son had a right for privacy. he said therefore, `If it is a tenpack of pink ping pong balls that you want, a tenpack of pink ping pong balls you shall have.'
And so, the next day, the son was given as his birthday present a tenpack of pink ping pong balls.
The boy took the tenpack of balls to his room and the next morning, not a single ball remained, merely the empty husk of the tenpack. The father wondered where ten pink ping pong balls might disappear to, but decided not to say anything. The pink ping pong balls, however, were never seen again.
The next year, a day before his 17th birthday, the son was asked by his father what he would like for his birthday.
Father,' said the son to this,I have everything a boy could wish for, but one thing would make my happiness complete. I would dearly want a carton of pink ping pong balls.'The father was beyond surprise, but decided to make sure he had not misheard. `A carton of pink ping pong balls?'
`A carton of pink ping pong balls,' the boy confirmed.
I can't understand your fascination with pink ping pong balls,' said the father,but if it is a carton of pink ping pong balls that you want, it is a carton of pink ping pong balls that you shall have.'And so, the next day, the boy was given as his birthday present a carton of pink ping pong balls.
The boy was delighted and took the carton to his room. The next day, miraculously (as if by magic, even) the pink ping pong balls had all disappeared.
Dear son,' said the father,I must ask now, what do you do with all those pink ping pong balls?'The son, however, was reluctant to tell him. `Please humour me, dear father.'
The carton of pink ping pong balls, however, was never seen again.
The next year, it was clear that the son would get a car, but the father felt that, perhaps, his son also had some other wish apart from the obvious. So, one day before the son's 18th birthday, the father asked him whether he had a special wish for his birthday.
Dearest father,' the son started,I have everything a young man could possibly want, but there is one craving in me. I would, more than anything, want a warehouse full of pink ping pong balls.'One of these years, his father thought, I should get to the bottom of this. However, he decided to humour his son's wish. At least he had been wise enough to buy shares in a pink ping pong ball factory.
The next day, the son was given the address of a warehouse where all his new pink ping pong balls were stored. The son was delighted and decided to spend the next night in the warehouse rather than at home.
The following morning, the son stepped out of the warehouse, but it seemed to be empty otherwise. The father had a closer l
Tamdudette ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:09:03 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Gahhhh
geoffe ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:47:56 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
How many tickles does it take to make an octopus laugh? Tentacles.
fantomgoat ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:47:56 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Did you hear about the two antennas that got married?
The ceremony was boring, but the reception was great!
magn3to ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:47:59 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Why does a chicken coop only have two doors? Because if it had four doors, it would be a chicken sedan!
Arthur3ld ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:48:07 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
What did batman say to Robin as he got into the batmobile?
Get in the batmobile Robin.
mack3r ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:48:56 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
What did the zero say to the eight? Where'd you get the cool belt?
Hereswhat7 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:48:59 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Why did the banana go to the hospital?
He wasn't peeling well.
CammiOh ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:49:25 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
What's green and stands in the corner?
A naughty frog.
IMightHaveTacos ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:49:46 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
A cannibal walks into a restaurant and orders a waiter.
dusmeyedin ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:49:58 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
What's brown and sticky and hangs in trees?
Answer: a stick.
hellishly_subtle ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:50:23 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Why don't monsters eat clowns? - Because they taste funny.
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:50:23 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Two peanuts were walking down a dark street at night...one was a salted
Mattifact ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:50:40 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
What is a pirate's favorite letter? NO! It's the C!
Quietmerch64 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:50:44 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
How did the cow cross the road?
In a moooooooving van
susgnome ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:51:31 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Why did the toilet paper roll down the hill?
Answer
JCWCOPG ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:21:14 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
whats the formatting for this?
susgnome ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:43:37 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
To create a spoiler tag, use
[TEXT](/s "1 2 3")
TEXT
Some subs, have different spoiler appearance.
Examples:
1) You hover over the black bar, text in red highlights, then a little bubble appears.
[/////]
hover
[TEXT]
keep hovering
[TEXT] (1 2 3)
2) Shows text, then you hover to reveal more text
[TEXT][///////]
hover
[RED TEXT][1 2 3]
JCWCOPG ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 06:50:55 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Thx man
Celestialmd ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:51:37 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
What did the judge say when the skunk walked into the courtroom?
Odor in the court!
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:51:49 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Two nuts walk into a bar, one was assaulted.
DrThrottlePocket ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:52:15 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
When geese fly in a V pattern, why is one side always longer than the other?
There's more geese on one side.
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:52:20 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Is Wagner spelled with a 'v'?
9, 'w'.
hey_i_tried ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:53:23 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Heard this one today... Knock knock... Whose there?... Owls... Owls who?... You're right
making-flippy-floppy ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:54:06 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Where does the Navy keep their extra belly buttons? At the naval reserve..
If you ever get swallowed by an elephant, just run around and around until you're pooped out.
kdar ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:54:27 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Knock kock
Dreamspitter ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:58:13 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Who's there?
kdar ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:59:33 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
To
Dreamspitter ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:00:48 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
To who?
kdar ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:01:25 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
No, it's to whom!
OiStayfrosty ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:54:30 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
What did a house wear to the party? - The roof?- Adress
Sorry_I_Am_Canadian ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:56:08 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
What kind of overalls do Mario and Luigi wear?
denim denim denim
ExoticKazama ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:56:08 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Why are elephants big, grey and have rough skin?
Because if they were small, white and smooth, they'd be an aspirin.
shitterplug ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:56:09 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
How do you know you're at a gay BBQ?
The hot dogs taste like shit.
Dreamspitter ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 02:56:53 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Thats G Rated?
lemonsqueezee ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:56:22 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
What are Super Mario's overalls made out of?
Denim denim denim....
(But you have to sing it like the song in level 2)
joeguitargod ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:57:01 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
What does a gay horse say? Haaaaayyyy!
Hithercat ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:57:05 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Did i tell you the one about the jump rope?
Skip it
hellishly_subtle ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:57:06 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
What's gray and doesn't matter? An irrelephant. (Apologies to non-native English speakers)
LeeKinanus ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:57:35 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
What do you get when you cross an elephant with a rhino? Eliphino.
Catastroflake ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:58:19 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
How do you catch a unique duck? You nique up on it.
Okay, then how do you catch a game duck? The tame way, you nique up on it.
kidleroi ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:58:21 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
What did the zero say to the eight?
Nice belt!
_LUFTWAFFLE_ ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:00:08 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
The past, present, and future all walked into a bar. It was tense.
_kst_ ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:00:55 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I used to work at a Formica factory, but I realized it was counterproductive.
internetlad ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:02:02 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Venison's deer/dear, isn't it?
Mortimer452 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:02:13 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Why do you never see elephants hiding in trees?
They're really good at it.
bag-o-kittens ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:02:38 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Why can't a bicycle stand on its own? Because it's two tired! Get it? Too tired!?! Bahahaha!
I guess it's not as good typed...
underwatr_cheestrain ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:03:46 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
What kind of bees make milk?
BOOBEES !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
frosty44 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:03:49 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Why was the tomato blushing?
He saw the salad dressing
thesb3 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:03:55 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
What's brown and sticky? A stick.
It's funnier after a 6 pack and/or bottle of wine.
fotophrenzy ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:04:11 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
where does a king keep his armies?
in his sleevies.
General_Hide ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:04:23 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Whats green, grows out the ground, and has wheels?
Grass. I lied about the wheels.
Mortimer452 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:04:45 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
So, two fish are in a tank. One turns to the other and says, "How do you drive this thing?"
pieyum1 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:04:51 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Don't listen to what atoms say. They make up everything!
Somanybuckles ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:04:57 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
What's green and has wheels?
Grass. I lied about the wheels.
JCWCOPG ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:05:03 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
i pooped on the floor
splunge48 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:05:11 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
What's brown and smelly on a piano bench? - Beethoven's first movement.
What's brown and smelly in Mayberry? - Gomer's Pile
PM_ME_YOUR_MESMER ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:06:51 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Nephew: ask me if I'm a tree! Me: okay... Nephew, are you a tree? Nephew: no silly! I'm a human bean! Me: oh hehe lol
rootboyslim ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:07:33 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tbwsTPluOmg&ab_channel=Dadnbz
Strifethor ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:07:40 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Why'd the golfer wear a second pair of pants?
In case he got a hole in one.
Has_Xray_Glasses ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:07:49 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
A man is driving down the road and breaks down near a monastery. He goes to the monastery, knocks on the door, and says, My car broke down. Do you think I could stay the night? The monks graciously accept him, feed him dinner, even fix his car. As the man tries to fall asleep, he hears a very strange sound. The next morning, he asks the monks what the sound was, but they say, We can't tell you. You're not a monk. The man is disappointed but thanks them anyway and goes about his merry way. Some years later, The same man breaks down in front of the same monastery. The monks again accept him, feed him, and again fix his car. That night, he hears the same strange noise that he had heard years earlier. The next morning, he asks what it is, but the monks reply, We can't tell you. You're not a monk. The man says, All right, all right. I'm dying to know. If the only way I can find out what that sound was is to become a monk, how do I become a monk? The monks reply, You must travel the earth and tell us how many blades of grass there are and the exact number of sand pebbles, when you find these numbers, you will become a monk. The man sets about his task. Some 54 years later, he returns and knocks on the door of the monastery. He says, I have traveled the earth and have found what you have asked for. There are 145,236,284,232 blades of grass and 231,281,219,999,129,382 sand pebbles on the earth. The monks reply, Congratulations. You are now a monk. We shall now show you the way to the sound. The monks lead the man to a wooden door where the head monk says, The sound is right behind that door. The man reaches for the knob, but the door is locked. He says, Real funny. May I have the key? The monks give him the key, and he opens the door. Behind the wooden door is another door made of stone. The man demands the key to the stone door. The monks give him the key, and he opens it, only to find a door made of ruby. He demands another key from the monks, who provide it. Behind that door is another door, this one made of sapphire, And so it went until the man had gone through doors of emerald, silver, topaz, and amethyst. Finally, the monks say, This is the last key to the last door. The man is relieved to know that he has finally reached to the end . He unlocks the door, turns the knob, and behind that door he is amazed to find the source of that strange sound. But he can't tell you what it is because you're not a monk.
Pinoy929 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:08:11 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Two pretzels were on a plane. One was assaulted.
bladebaka ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:08:14 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Wanna hear a dirty joke?
A white dog fell in a mud puddle.
Wanna hear a clean joke?
It took a bath.
charmingtortoise ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:08:52 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
What does a snail riding on the back of a turtle say?
Wheeeeeeeeeee!!!!
characterlimitsuckdi ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:09:13 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy whips out his phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps, "My friend is dead! What can I do?" The operator says "Calm down. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead." There is a silence, then a gun shot is heard. Back on the phone, the guy says "OK, now what?"
quietbandit ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:09:40 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
What's Irish and stays out all night?
Patty O'Furniture
Weirdlyist ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:10:52 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
What's grey and can't fly?
A PARKING LOT!
turkeyumber ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:10:58 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Why was 6 afraid of 7? Because 7 ate 9.
St_maunsell ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:11:53 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
A man walks into a bar.
Ouch!
MissAnneThropist ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:12:03 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
A dog limp into a bar, narrows his eyes at the patrons, and asks, "Where is the man who shot my paw?"
FruitLoop4Life ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:12:17 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Did you hear about the fire at the Circus?
It was IN TENTS!
mecheye ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:12:32 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
"Ask me if I'm a tree."
"Are you a tree?"
"Nope."
harborlane ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:12:46 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Where do the Germans keep their armies? ----- In their sleevies.
warpedddd ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:13:41 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Why do girls wear makeup and perfume? Because they're ugly and they stink.
professorbooty11 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:14:04 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
How do you make a handkerchief dance? Put a little boogie in it.
nick3501s ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:14:10 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
whats black & white and red all over? A newspaper.
mpq222 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:14:50 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
How do you catch a polar bear? Cut a hole in the ice and place peas all the way around it. When the bear goes to take a pea,kick it in the ice hole.( works better spoken then when you read it)
S_T_R_Y_K_E_R ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:15:10 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
In a hotel, there is a room that everyone says is haunted. One day, a businessman comes to stay in the hotel. The haunted room was the only one available. He thought that all the people were crazy and took the room. That night, he slept on the left side of the bead, and hear a very quiet voice. It said: "If the log rolls over, we will die we will die. If the log..." He screamed and leapt out the window. The next night, a body builder came to stay in the hotel. He too, disregarded the warnings and stayed in the room. He slept on the right side of the bed and heard a voice. It was a little louder than the previous night's and it said: "If the log rolls over, we will die, we will die. If the log..." He screamed and ran out the window. The following night, a ghost hunting couple stayed in the room. The husband was asleep in bed, while do wife was in the restroom getting ready for bed. She hear a voice. It was much louder than the previous nights and it said: "If the log rolls over, we will die, we will die. If the log..." She thought it was coming from the toilet and lifted the lid. Inside, she found a piece of poop, and on top were a large group of ants that were chanting "If the log rolls over, we will die, we will die. If the log..."
Cary_Grant_Wannabe ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:15:12 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
There are three kinds of people in the world... Those who can count, and those who can't.
Son_Of_A_Pun ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:15:34 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
What's brown and rhymes with snoop? Dr. Dre
SarcasticAssholes ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:15:40 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Did you hear about the fire at the circus?
It was in tents
itsthegingerfox ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:15:49 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
How do you think the unthinkable?
With an ithberg. (*Lisp)
JeterFan32 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:16:11 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Two peanuts are walking down the street. One is a salted.
yourself2k8 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:16:32 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Why can't a bicycle stand on it's own?
because it's too tired
robinson217 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:17:08 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
A photon is randomly selected for extra TSA screening. The agent asks the photon, "Why no checked bags or carry on? It seems a little suspicious..." The photon replied "Isn't it obvious? I'm traveling light".
Dagganoth77 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:17:16 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
there were once, a little chicken named corn he moved to a very hot place and he had to change his name to popcorn.
Hector_Kur ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:17:17 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Me: I got a great knock-know joke, start me off.
Them: Uh... knock knock?
Me: Who's there?
Them: ... goddammit
theundeadpixel ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:17:36 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
A Jew, a Muslim and a Pollock walk into a bar; they order root beers and everybody just had a great time.
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:19:22 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)*
[deleted]
consvntdrevms ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:19:24 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Tell someone you have a knock-knock joke for them. It should go like this:
"Hey I have a knock-knock joke for you but you have to start it."
"Okay, knock knock."
"Who's there?"
They should look at you confused, works great with young kids.
DoubleDutchOven ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:20:23 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
You can change your pants, but you can't change your genes.
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:20:23 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Me: Man, I saw a whole flock of cows over there the other day.
You: it's called a herd.
Me: herd of what?
You: herd of cows.
Me: Of course I've heard of cows. I saw a whole flock of em the other day!
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:20:48 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
two peanuts were walking down the road and one of them got asSAuLTed
Floyds_of_Flondon ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:21:35 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Why can't you put Jewish people in jail?
They eat Lox.
Anpher ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:21:42 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
What did the ocean say to the beach?
Nothing, it just waved.
Why don't skeleton's play music in church?
Because they have no organs.
sharpstyx ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:22:16 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Lady walks into a bar carrying a duck.
The bartender says "Sorry, you can't bring that pig in here."
The lady says "Sir, this is a duck."
The bartender says "I was talking to the duck."
solarstance ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:22:25 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
A gentleman is a person who can play the bagpipes but won't.
Goldenboy_62 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:22:40 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
How do you catch a unique rabbit?
You 'neek up on it.
How do you catch a tame rabbit?
Tame way, you 'neek up on it!
DeargUbel ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:23:22 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Two drums and a cymbal fall off a cliff.
vadkert ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:23:49 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Man goes into the butcher shop to pick up his order. He realizes he's lost his wallet. Having a good relationship with the butcher, he proposes a wager, instead of having to run home and get his wallet and come back.
'Say, I bet you I can grab any of the meat you got hanging in here without going on my tip-toes. You point out the meat, I grab it. If I can do it, you'll let me have my order on the house.'
The butcher thinks for a moment. He's not opposed to the wager, as he knows the man is an honest, regular customer, but he doesn't like the sound of it. 'Hmm. As it is, I don't stand to gain anything here. But how about this: I'll point out the meat, you grab it. If you can do it without going on tip toes, you can have your order for free. But if you can't do it, then you gotta pay up double your total.'
The man thinks for a moment, looking around the butcher shop. 'Sorry Sal, don't think I can do it.'
'No?'
'No sir, not a bet like that. The steaks are too high, you see.'
Thuroughaway9 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:24:13 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
What's in the bottom of Shamu's tank? Shampoo!
Till363 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:24:22 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
There's a farmer and he's got a wooden tractor that has a wooden engine and a wooden wheel, and ya know what?
It wooden work
godofgainz ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:25:01 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
How do you catch a unique rabbit?
Unique up on it...
SQLDave ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:25:31 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
How do you catch a tame rabbit?
The tame way.
Rambleintheroots ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:25:21 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Knock, knock. Whose there? Smell mop. Smell mop who?
Stephen1985 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:26:40 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Paddy and Murphy decide to do a spot of fishing.
Neither of them have a fishing rod so they decide to try their luck at hanging over a bridge and catching the fish as they swim past.
They find a bridge and Murphy dangles over while Paddy holds his ankles.
10 minutes go by........Anything yet Murphy?.........Nope nothing yet
15 minutes go by........Anything yet Murphy?.........Nope nothing yet
20 minutes go by and Murphy shouts Paddy Paddy pull me up!!!, Have you got a fish?.........No the bloody train is coming!!!!!!
crispybutthole ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:26:47 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
What's invisible and smells like carrots?
bunny farts
Leet_Noob ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:27:11 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
What do you call a nosy pepper?
Jalapeno business.
(This one is much better spoken)
ku1185 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:27:46 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Chuck Norris can divide by zero.
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:28:25 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Why did the monkey fall out of the tree?
Because it's dead.
IComposeEFlats ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:30:19 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
What's red and bad for your teeth? A brick
iHEARyouMON ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:30:47 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Why do gorillas have big nostrils?
Because they have big fingers!
fungisfeer ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:31:12 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
My daughter always says this one... I think it was from a movie.
Why did the hero flush the toilet?
Cause it was his duty!
ThePa9an ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:37:44 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
'Wreck it Ralph' I think
fungisfeer ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:16:23 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
You sir are correct
orbital ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:31:14 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
An orange snake and a green snake are slithering down a trail, the orange snake asks the green snake "hey am I poisonous?" the green snake says "I dunno, why?" and the orange snake says "because I just bit my lip!"
ghostofcookcabin ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:31:42 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Q: What goes OoOooohh??
A: A Cow, with no lips.
MySemanticSatiation ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:31:57 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Why did Mozart get rid of his chickens? They kept saying, "Bach, Bach, Bach."
Rokaroo ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:32:26 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
How do bees get to school?
On the school buzz!
EB8 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:32:54 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
I eat mop.
I eat mop, who?
Gross.
(Say it out loud).
KeisterBun ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:34:20 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I'm late but: What's brown and sticky? A stick.
ThidwickTBHM ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:34:23 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
There was an old man with a beard,
A funny old man with a beard
He had a big beard
A great big old beard
That amusing old man with a beard.
-John Clarke
soothslayer ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:34:41 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
A young couple ask for water in a restaurant. The woman mentions that she received a dirty glass the last time she was in this particular establishment. The waiter leaves and returns after a time with two glasses on a tray and says, "OK, which of you wanted the clean glass?"
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:34:49 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
[deleted]
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:50:37 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
[deleted]
Stephen1985 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:34:50 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
A British soldier was captured by the Germans during the war, he was sent to work in a labour camp.
In the first week the soldier was involved in a nasty accident which resulted in the loss of both his feet. He requested that the Germans take his feet and drop them over England during the next bombing run, they accepted.
A few weeks later hes involved in another accident and loses both his legs, again he requests that his legs be dropped over england with the next bombing run, the Germans accept.
One month later and the soldier has another accident, this time losing both his arms, He requests that his arms be dropped over england on the next bombing run. The german officer replied "NEIN VE THINK YOU ARE TRYING TO ESCAPE"
foomatic21 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:36:11 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
What do you call a guy with a rubber toe?
Roberto
French_Toast_King ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:36:46 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
My love life.
muesli_snipes ยท -4 points ยท Posted at 03:39:40 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
that's totally g rated you little pussyboy ha ha haha ha ha loser ha ha ha
zombieregime ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:36:51 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
What does a snail say riding on a turtles back?
WEEEEEEEEE!!!
trollishus ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:36:51 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
What do you call a guy with no arms and legs playing frisbee?? Chuck
Ripboins ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 03:48:13 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
What do you call a guy with no arms and legs in a pile of leaves? Russell
largecozz ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 04:56:35 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
what do you call a guy with no arms and legs in the swimming pool? Bob
What do you call a guy with no arms and legs in a hot tub? Stew
what do you call a guy with no arms and legs hanging from the wall? Art
what do you call a guy with no arms and legs on your doorstep? Matt
what do you call a girl with no arms and legs in a car accident? Sue
what do you call a guy with no arms and legs on a ledge? Cliff
gabersg ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:36:53 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
"Knock knock."
"Who's there?"
"Interrupting cow."
"Interrupting co--"
"MOOOOOOOOOO"
Never gets old
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:38:41 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
ITT: [DAD JOKES INTENSIFIES]
BasilBroom ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:41:01 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Exit signs - they're on the way out, aren't they?
GossamerF ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:41:31 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Why did the cowboy buy a wiener dog? Someone told him to get along little doggie.
acialjonny ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:43:03 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
In an old Indian tribe, the chief wished to protect his people, so for the men to go on hunting trips they had to have his permission.
So one day a man comes to the chief and asks for permission to leave the tribe and hunt for his family. The chief says "You may hunt, but you must return in 3 days." So the man leaves and on the evening of the 3rd day he returns with a large buck. The chief asks "How you get buck?" The man replies, "I see tracks, I follow tracks I get buck."
The next day another man approaches the chief for permission to hunt. Of course, the chief tells him he may hunt but he must return in 3 days. on the evening of the 3rd day, the man returns with a HUGE bear. The chief asks "how you get bear?" The man replies "I see tracks, I follow tracks, I get bear."
Having heard the wisdom of the first two men, the next day a third man comes and asks the chief for permission. Now, the chief is a little nervous about sending this man out hunting since he's considered to be the "tribe idiot". After careful consideration, the chief gives him permission and again tells the man that he must return in 3 days.
After about a week with no sight of the man, the chief begins to regret his decision and begins to gather men for a search party. Just as the party was about to head out on their search, they see the man at the edge of the camp, bloodied, battered and crawling along the ground. The men and the chief rush to the man and the chief asks "What happened you??" The man replies "I see tracks, I follow tracks, I get hit by train!"
unicorn_in_a_can ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:43:30 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
How do you make a kleenex dance? Put a little boogie in it.
wootpartythyme ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:43:42 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
JEB BUSHES BAKED BEANS
KottonQueen ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:43:52 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
A guy walks into a bar and says "OUCH!"
awwaygirl ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:44:00 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
What do you call a row of rabbits hopping backwards ?
A receding hare line!
JCAPS766 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:44:08 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Here you are
Dundas_N ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:44:13 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
April showers bring mayflowers. Mayflowers bring...?
Pilgrims!
mungchamp ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:44:21 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
What does a gay horse eat? ........... ......Haaayyyyyyyyy!
nomadjbc ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:46:04 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Knock knock. Who's there? A little old lady. A little old lady who? I didn't know you could yodel.
MrsBurtMacklin ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:46:10 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
What do you call a deer with no eyes? No eye deer (say it out loud with a southern accent)
What do you call a deer with no eyes and no legs? STILL no eye deer
PoppinJ ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:46:50 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
A cat goes into a bar. Bartender asks, "What can I get you?" The cat says, "Anything will be great." The bartender give him a glass of beer. The cat knocks the beer off the bar and it crashes on the floor. Then the cat says, "I'll have another."
dankula ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:47:01 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Two peanuts were walking down the street.
One was assaulted.
Bass_Node ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:47:24 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
What do you get when you throw a hand grenade into a french bathroom?
Linoleum Blownapart
microdon23 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:47:28 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
What do you call a guy with no arms or legs in the water? Bob. What do you call a guy with no arms or legs at the front door? Matt. What do you call a guy with no arms or legs hanging on the wall? Art.
tomatotomorrow ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:47:47 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Why are chili peppers so nosy? They're jalapeรฑo business.
cyclebiker ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:49:36 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
What's big, red, and eats rocks?
A big red rock eater!!
Ripboins ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:49:39 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
What do you call a blind deer? No idea. What do you call a dead blind deer? Still no idea.
joehemith ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:49:41 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
What type of bees make milk...?
Boobees.
Bmic31 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:49:48 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Want to hear a dirty joke?
Boy fell in a puddle.
Sometimes it takes a moment to soak in. An old man I used to know named Forest told me that with the biggest grin then walked away. I was like huh? Then OOOOOOOH. :)
oldmanfever ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:49:51 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
What's brown and rhymes with Snoop?
Dr. Dre
Build68 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:51:24 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I'm thinking of a word. It starts with "f" and ends with "uck". What is it? No, it's firetruck, you savage.
A1A5KA ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:52:08 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Two guys walk into a bar. The third guys ducks.
zoeyversustheraccoon ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:52:30 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
A man says to god, "what's a million dollars to you?"
And god replies, "a penny."
So the man says to god, "what's a million years to you?"
And god replies, "a second."
So the man says, "then would you give me a penny?"
And god replies, "sure, in a second."
ungrunt ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:52:36 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
What do you get when you mix a penis with a potato?
....a dictator
Nevets323 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:53:01 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I came for dad jokes and I was not disappointed
Sploitspiller ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:53:30 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
A family walks into a talent agency. The talent agent asks, "so what do you call yourselves?", and the family answers, "the aristocrats!".
vuvutron ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:53:32 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I bought my friend an elephant for her room. She said "Thanks" I said "Don't mention it"
bensawn ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:53:32 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Whats red and invisible?
No tomatoes.
BGartist ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:54:03 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Q: How did the meat department reach a compromise? A: Through Deli-gation.
CountNigula15 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:54:12 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Roses are red, violets are blue, some poems ryme, this one doesnt.
orcateeth ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:54:37 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
A little boy runs into a store, out of breath. He asks the clerk, "Where's the pepper?" The clerk says, "What kind of pepper? We have black pepper, red pepper and green peppers." The boy replies, "Mama said for me to hurry right home with some toilet pepper!"
gimmeallyourblood ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:55:34 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Frayed knot joke.
BeardisGood ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:56:02 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Why should you knock before opening a refrigerator door? There might be an Italian dressing in there.
u_r_here ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:56:31 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
How do you catch a wild bra...set a... wait for it... Booby trap
Bmeye4 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:56:42 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
What do you call a fish with no eye?
A fsh.
It's hard to type this one out.
foxymasterp ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:57:36 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Why did the tomato blush?
It saw the salad dressing.
DrunkenGolfer ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:58:47 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Why did Suzy fall off the swing?
Because she had no arms.
Knock knock!
Who's there?
Not Suzy!
blixt141 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:59:00 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
What's brown and sticky? A stick.
joker1999 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:59:06 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
You guys have no sense of humor.
goggleblock ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:59:08 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Why did the monkey fall out of the tree?
He was dead.
Kcon1122 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:59:19 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
How do you make a tissue dance? Put a little boogie in it.
tangerinehat ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:59:29 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
A mortally wounded German soldier is about to die and calls a nurse. He says, "I'm going to die as a soldier and I'd like to know for whom I've given my life". The nurse answers: "You are dying for the Fรผhrer and the German people." The soldier asks, "Can the Fรผhrer come to my bedside?" The Nurse says "No, that's not possible, but I'll bring you a picture of him." The soldier tells her to put it on the right-hand side of his bed and then says, "I was in the Luftwaffe." So the nurse brings him a picture of Gรถring and puts it to the left of the bed. Then the soldier says, "Now I can die like Jesus."
[Not so] Fun fact for the day; the person who came pup with this joke, the Bavarian Catholic priest Joseph Mรผller, was executed by the Nazi regime for telling this joke
Merusk ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:59:35 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Two men walked into a bar.
The third one ducked.
zhurleyman ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:59:38 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
What do you call a fish with no eyes ....FSHHH ! (sounds better outloud, i swear)
surpriseduck ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 04:00:20 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Where was this thread back when I was a Skipper on the Jungle Cruise?
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 04:02:29 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Put your nose on the telly. That would make a good program!
That program's called...
The 6 O'Clock Nose.
ffj_ ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 04:05:35 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
What type of pants does Mario wear?
Denim Denim Denim
Kalepsis ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 04:05:56 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
My micro Mike Rowe crow's mic row rows my micro Mike Rowe crow.
Issibsumbro ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 04:06:05 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Did you hear about the circus fire?
It was in tents!
notmax ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 04:06:56 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
A little penguin turns to his older brother one day and asks: "am I really a penguin? You can tell me the truth you know if I'm not. "
His brother pokes a bit of fun at him and eventually confirms he's a penguin. "We wouldn't be brothers if you weren't a penguin because I'm pretty sure I'm one. "
The little penguin still isn't sure so he goes and finds his dad and asks him the same question.
"Dad, are you certain?" He pleads. So his dad tells him the story of sitting in the middle of the South Pole with the egg that one day turned into the little penguin balanced precariously on his flippers for six months while mom went and ate fish 50 miles away.
Still disbelieving, he seeks out mom. She'll know for sure he thinks.
"Mom, please, tell me the truth: am I really, definitely, 100% penguin? Don't lie to me, I'll know if you do. "
She gently takes him under her flipper and tells him about he long walk back from the ocean, her belly fully of fish and excitement to see how he egg would hatch. How he was all grey and fuffy, and had a seemingly endless appetite for the delicious fish she had collected. His first waddle, the day the last of his fluff fell away to reveal his beautiful sleek black and white and yellow feathers, and his first swim.
Eventually, she persuades him and he settles down a bit. So she asks him "so what's his all about, eh?" (for it's well known that real penguins all talk like Canadians) "what's all he fuss about?"
"Well", says the little penguin, "if I'm really a penguin, why am I so f*cling cold all the time??"
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 04:07:05 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Why is Peter Pan always flying?
He neverlands!
UDM_2004 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 04:07:45 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Knock knock? Who's there? Smell mop. Smell mop who? (Say it quickly)
Empanada_Taco ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 04:08:35 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
What's harder than getting an elephant in the back seat of your car? Getting two elephants in the backseat of your car. What's harder than getting two elephants in the backseat of your car? Getting a pregnant elephant in the back seat of your car. What's harder than getting a pregnant elephant in the back seat of your car? Getting an elephant pregnant in the backseat of your car.
nounofverb ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 04:08:41 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
What do you call an Irishman who spends all day outdoors? Paddy O'Furniture
GeT_SILvEr ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 04:08:45 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Do you know what heck is?
It's where you go when you get darned by gosh.
anwoods ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 04:09:34 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
My 2 and a half year old tells the same two all the time, and it never gets old.
"What's a pirate's favorite restaurant?"
-ARRRRRRRRRRby's
And
"Knock Knock" -Who's there "Interrupting cow" -Interrupting co- "Mooooooo!"
At least someone in this house is funny!
vodkabreath ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 04:11:13 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Three legged dog walks into a bar and says " I'm looking for the man who shot my paw"!
Nalcomis ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 04:11:31 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Horse walks into a bar. Bartender says "Hey bud, why the long face?"
Fibreoptix ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 04:11:51 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
What's big red and eats rocks? - A big red rock eater
Houstono ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 04:12:02 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Two fish were in a tank.
One turned to the other and said: "How the heck do you drive this thing?"
ncg2030775 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 04:12:10 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
At a farm with a friend I ask," What is that white speck on that chickens poop?"....... he said, "It's poop too."
lilybeans20101 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 04:14:00 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
What do you do with epileptic lettuce? You make a seizure salad.
EPIC_Deer ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 04:14:01 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I got a knock knock joke but you gotta start it
swimmingbeaver ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 04:14:20 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
What are Mario and Luigi's pants made of?
Denim denim denim. (to the tune of world 2)
Amwong21 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 04:14:50 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Did you hear about that new pirate movie? It's rated arrr!
Mapleleafguy13 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 04:15:44 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Bob was a construction worker who was very accident prone, but luckily his best friend and coworker John was always there to help him out.
One day, Bob suffered a horrible accident and managed to amputate his foot. John hurriedly shoved the foot into a plastic bag, knotted it tight, and rushed Bob to the hospital. Due to the miracle of modern science, the doctors were able to reattach Bob 's foot and he carries on wih out any ill effects.
Later Bob managed to do it again, however this time he severed his hand. John,to the rescue once more, grabs his severed hand, shoves it in a plastic bag, knots it tightly and rushes Bob to the hospital. Once again the doctors miraculously reattach Bob 's hand and he is able to go about his normal life.
Time passes, and Bob once again is victim to his own bad luck. This time, he manages to decapitate himself. "OH DEAR LORD!!!" John exclaims and hurriedly grabs Bob's severed head, puts it in a plastic bag,knots it tightly and rushes Bob to the hospital.
Sitting in the waiting room at the hospital, John nervously paces back and forth awaiting the fate of his friend. After a while, the doctor comes out and asks to speak to John.
"What happened doc?" John asks, "did Bob make it?"
"Unfortunately no, John. " the doctor solemnly says.
"Someone stuffed Bob's head in a plastic bag and he suffocated to death."
chaotic3quilibrium ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 04:15:45 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
What did the snail riding on the back of a turtle say?
"Wheeeeeee!"
azantyri ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 04:16:25 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
my all time favorite one is :
tell someone, "hey! want to hear the greatest knock-knock joke in the world?" they say, "yeah!" you say, "okay, you start it off!" they say, "knock, knock!" you say, "who's there?"
eastcoast90 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 04:16:41 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
What do you call cheese that isn't yours?
Nacho Cheese
AaronPDX ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 04:16:43 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
What's green and smells like red paint?
Green paint.
realspacex ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 04:18:01 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Why does Waldo wear stripes?
Because he doesn't want to be spotted.
VilleLakes ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 04:18:03 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
What did the amoeba's brother say when she stepped on his foot? "Hey! That's my toe sis!" (mitosis)
realspacex ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 04:19:37 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Why are the Middle Ages sometimes called the dark ages?
Because they had so many knights.
AustinTP ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 04:20:31 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
DYK billy mays served in the US military?
not for very long though it was only 1999
WOOKIExCOOKIES ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 04:20:45 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Argon walks into a bar.
The bartender says "we don't serve your kind here!".
Argon doesn't react.
noware6 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 04:20:49 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
There are 10 kinds of people in this world, those that understand binary, and those that don't.
Pointyspoon ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 04:20:56 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
What has four legs and one eye?
A chair.
2112n ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 04:23:04 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Why didn't the skeleton cross the road? He didn't have the guts!
theOhioState21 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 04:23:48 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Knock knock.
Who's there?
I eat mop
I eat mop who?
Hahahahahaha
wookiekush420 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 04:23:51 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Me: โHey, I was thinkingโฆโ My dad: โI thought I smelled something burning.โ
xxilybaexx ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 04:24:50 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Wanna hear a dirty joke?
A pig in the mud
Gonzo53 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 04:25:09 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
What kind of bear has no teeth? A gummy bear.
Tell that joke to a kid under 5 and they fall over laughing
sociohat ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 04:25:25 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Why would you invite a mushroom to a party?
Because he's a nice guy. Why wouldn't you?
yxlist ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 04:40:11 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Its because he's a fun guy.
fungi.
get it?
jokesLUL ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 04:26:18 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
An Irishman and an American are arguing about who went into space first. The American is adamant that Uncle Sam was the first to put a man on the moon." What Bollocks," relies the Irishman,"and anyhow,I hear that soon we'll be sending as Irish Astronaut to the sun!"The American can't believe his ears. "don't be ridiculous, he laughs,"the fool would burn to death! "You great eejit," replies the Irishman."were not all stupid bastards... we're going to send him at night ."
and
An experimental shuttle mission blasts off for the moon with just three crew members on board: two monkeys and a blond. As they reach orbit, Mission Control radios the craft. "Monkey No 1! Monkey No 1! Go to the control console and complete your launch checks ."Quickly the ape swings over and sits down to follow the instructions:he releases the pressure in the payload bay,lowers the temperature in engine four and balances the oxygen ratio in the reactors. Moments later, Mission Control calls again "Monkey No 2! Monkey No 2! Go to the control console and complete your orbital tasks." The primate knuckles over and does what he's is told Launching a Key weather satellite and analyzing solar reading. An hour into the journey mission control calls again: Woman! Please go to console."As she sits at the blinking screen, the speaker barks again . "please complete your...." "i know she moans. "just feed the monkeys and don't toutch anything."
brewstown ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 04:26:48 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Why do sharks swim in salt water?
Because if they swam in pepper water they'd sneeze!
chinesefoodandamovie ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 04:26:49 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
A polar bear walks into a bar and orders a Jack.
And Coke.
Bartender says "why the big pause?" Polar bear says "I'm a bear, I was born with them."
Frankenstein79 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 04:27:17 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Whats the difference between snowmen and snowwomen? ....... "Snowballs" (as told by my six year old daughter)
heisenbergsayschill ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 04:27:32 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Me: "want to hear a knock-knock joke?" Them: "sure" Me: "ok you start" Them: "knock knock" silence
chanmanm8 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 04:27:57 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
What did Arnold Schwarzenneger decide for a Halloween costume?
"I'LL BE BACH".
Iquey ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 04:29:13 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Hank works at a fancy hotel. One day the manager tells everyone to be at their best because the Queen if England is coming to the hotel. So every employee stands outside to welcome her. As soon she sees Hank she yells: "Hey Hank! Long time no see! Come with me and we catch up!
The manager, obviously stunned by the fact that Hank knows her, goes and ask him:" say Hank, who else do you know?" to which Hank says: well, I know president Obama. "
So the manager books a flight to the White house with Hank, and the same thing happens. Obama is happy to see Hank, and they grab a Coffee and hang out for a bit.
The manager is in complete disbelieve, espessially when Hank says: "I also know the Pope!"
So they're off to Rome, and they go to the balcony where the Pope always waves, and when waving he sees Hank, invites him in and within 10 minutes Hank stands next to the Pope waving to the People.
So Hank comes back down and sees his manager passed out on the ground. He runs towards him and asks: "what happened?!?!"
The manager replies: "I was almost passing out when I saw you up there, but then a chinese couple came to me and asked me who the guy with the robe was next to Hank"
half_baked_dabsteps ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 04:30:17 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
What time do you go to the dentist?
Tooth-hurty
domoftheshire ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 04:30:44 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Women's rights
wobbleboxsoldier ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 04:31:03 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
The red shirt and brown pants joke always cracked me up.
Im_not_truthful ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 04:31:35 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
"Why'd the chicken cross the road?" "I don't know" "to see the dummy." "okay.."
Seconds later
"knock knock" "who's there..?" "The Chicken"
Every kid loves this joke.
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 04:32:30 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Maybe not G-rated, but I first heard and understood it as a kid. Love it to this day. "How do you fit an elephant into a Safeway bag? I'll give you a hint, take the 'S' out of 'safe' and the 'F' out of 'way.'
Majorxerocom ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 04:34:20 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Horse walks into a bar and the bartender says why the long face?
I_smell_like_bacon ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 04:35:13 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Two peanuts were walking down the street. One was a salted.
hippopotamusapologst ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 04:35:15 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
What do you do when you see a spaceman?
You park your car, man
Demonic_Toaster ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 04:35:29 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
What goes hith hith hith?
A snake with a lisp.
sourwormsandwhisky ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 04:36:32 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
What did the grape say when the elephant stepped on him?
Nothing, he just let out a little wine.
heissman2 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 04:36:38 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Why did the chicken cross the road, roll around in the mud and then go back across the road?
Because he was a dirty double crosser!
TheZentone ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 04:37:03 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Why doesn't Albuquerque have a professional football team?
(substitute any city/team of your choosing for best affect.)
Anovick5 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 04:37:21 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Two muffins are in an over. One says "Wow, it's really hot in here." The other says "AHH! A talking muffin!"
slowshot ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:03:21 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
An over what?
mwashu66 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 04:37:29 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
psychetron ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 04:37:38 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Who didn't let the gorilla into the ballet?
DrMantisToboggan12 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 04:37:48 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Why dont you ever see elephants hiding in trees? Because theyre really good at it.
Devanmmm92 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 04:38:01 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
What did one strawberry say to the other strawberry? If you weren't so cute we wouldn't be in this jam' Gets them every time
panchitoquan ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 04:38:50 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
ITT: Dad Jokes
Chronogos ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 04:39:13 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
"Let me play you the saddest song on the world's smallest violin."
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 04:39:34 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
What did the Zero say to the Eight? "Nice belt."
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 04:39:44 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
What do you call a fly without wings?
A walk
ADomeWithinADome ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 04:40:03 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Why does a chicken coupe have two doors? If it had four it would be a chicken sedan
FiveAlarmFrancis ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 04:41:34 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
A college student is doing an experiment. He tells a frog to jump, and it jumps. He cuts one of its legs off, tells it to jump, and it jumps. Cuts off another leg, tells it to jump and it jumps. Cuts off the third leg, tells it to jump and it jumps. After cutting off the fourth leg, he tells the frog to jump and it just sits there. The student writes in his notebook: "If you cut all four legs off a frog, the frog can't hear."
tacotuesdaypodcast ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 04:41:34 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
A man walks into a bar.
And says "ouch."
Veedrac ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 04:42:25 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I bought a second hand clock but it keeps resetting every minute.
J_Jammer ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 04:42:32 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
What does the covers say when it falls off the bed?
OH SHEET!
NotYourAverageTomBoy ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 04:42:53 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
What's the hairiest side of a cow?
The Outside
Duvall1138 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 04:43:51 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
What do you call a farmer who is great at their job?
Outstanding in their field. I love this joke.
lemisset ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 04:44:38 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
When geese fly in a V shap, do you know why one side is shorter than the other?
It's because it has less birds in it.
MYBEERISCHEAP ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 04:44:45 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I once fucked a man in Nantucket. We were in prison and it was over a bucket. I dropped my fly, came in his eye, the warden saw and just said fuck it.
....sorry, G block was always with the limericks, their idea of jokes, anyway, it's good to be out.
Torpid-O ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 04:44:49 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Why do tables never talk? Because they're just tables, stupid.
tikiwooki ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 04:45:05 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
What do you call a cow with three legs?
Lean beef
What do you call a cow with no legs?
Ground beef
MattProducer ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 04:45:49 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
2 fish are in a tank. One looks at the other and says, "You drive, I'll man the guns."
PilotInCmand ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 04:46:16 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
So two green beans are crossing the road to go to the market. A semi comes roaring down the road and plows into one of the poor green beans. His friend calls 911 in tears and the paramedics rush to help the poor hurt green bean. Luckily, the regions premier food injury hospital is nearby, and the paramedics are in perfect form. The badly injured bean is wheeled inside and the doctors jump into action.
After a long and harrowing surgery, the doctor comes out to talk to the other green bean. "Doctor! Will my friend live?" asks the injured bean's distraught friend. "Well son, I have good news and bad news..." the doctor replies. "Please, doctor, just tell me he will survive!" interrupts the bean in a panic. "Yes! Yes!" replies the doctor, "your friend will pull through... but that is the good news. The bad news is..." The doctor takes a deep breath, "... he will be a vegetable for the rest of his life."
Njordsvif ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 04:47:12 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
PG:
What do you get when you cross an elephant and a rhino?
'Eleph-ino (Hell if I know)
ALSO
What do you call two-thirds of a pun?
P-U!
ManicExpressive ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 04:47:45 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
A horse walks into a bar.
Bartender says, "What is this? A joke?"
friskylamar ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 06:22:11 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
"Why the long face?"
This also works with "Sarah Jessica Parker walks into a bar..."
AverageAlien ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 04:48:02 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
What's a ninjas favorite drink?
Wataaaaaaaah!
deegr8one ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 04:49:02 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
It's actually Bruce Lee's favorite drink not a ninja
seeking_hope ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 04:48:37 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
What did Giranamo say when he jumped out of a plane? "Meeeeeeeeeee."
beesintheirmouth ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 04:48:45 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I was walking across the beach with my cat and it made me think of Christmas....because my cat had sandy claws.
69Ghostfarts ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 04:48:46 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Why do we have armies?
To hold our handsies up!!!
WhatHeSaidVO ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 04:48:55 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Probably much too late for this to be seen, but my favorite G-rated joke is this:
What do vegetarian zombies say?
Grrrrraiiiinnssss, grrrraaaaaaaaaiiiiiiiinnnnnsssssss!
Alternate answer: Braaaaaaaaannnnnnnnnn!
aking25 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 04:49:09 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
What did the whale call his siblings? Blubber and sister.
fever1dreams ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 04:52:30 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
A skeleton walks into a bar. He orders a drink and a mop.
kpatable ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 04:54:35 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
?
fever1dreams ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:00:13 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Think about it.
kpatable ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:16:57 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I don't get it
fever1dreams ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:18:42 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
A skeleton orders a drink...and a mop because when he drinks the drink, it goes right through him on to the floor.
kpatable ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:33:56 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh lul
Deutschtastic ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 04:53:24 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
What is the most Irish kind of furniture?
PATTY O FURNITURE
Gryphon00 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 04:53:24 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
What does a nosy pepper do?
It gets jalapeรฑo business!
Fuhckerschite ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 04:54:06 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Why is Piglet always dirty? Cuz he plays with Pooh.
Stone_Reign ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 04:54:07 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Have you heard the one about the three holes in the ground?
Well, well, well.
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 04:54:07 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Abortion brings the kid out in you
MyMomIs-A ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 04:55:30 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
What do you call a bear with no teeth?
A gummy bear! Lol
spiralout1123 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 04:55:34 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Where do you find a dog with no legs? Wherever you left him.
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 04:55:50 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
"What time does Sean Connery arrive at wimbledon?" "Tennish"
Dave_TheCat ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 04:56:11 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
What did the fish say when he ran into the wall?
Dam
KingKoalaSmasher ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 04:56:27 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I've got two, both fish related.
What do you call a fish with no eye's? Fsssh (definitely works better out loud)
What did the fish say when he ran into a wall? Dam
Gutsyguy ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 04:56:43 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
ITT: PUNS. PUNS EVERYWHERE.
ABeastOfHimself ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 04:56:54 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Two Allied soldiers have been sent into Germany to assassinate Hitler. They are told he will be seeing a show at the theater and will be leaving at 8:00. They are waiting outside the theater when 8:00 comes and goes, no Hitler. 8:30, no Hitler. 9:00, still no Hitler. Finally, one of the assassins looks at the other and says, "My God, I hope nothing happened to him..."
bttech05 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 04:57:03 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
In the beginning God said to Moses, "whoever comes forth will receive eternal life."
However, Moses came 5th.. so he won a toaster
Edit: Grammer
TaedW ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 04:57:43 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
"How does a baby duck get out of its shell?" "They quack it open!"
caliopy ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 04:58:33 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
sandwich walks into a bar. Bartender looks at him and say "NO! not going to happen. We don't serve food."
TaedW ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 04:58:39 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
"What's brown and sticky?" "A stick!"
purple_roses1021 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 04:58:46 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
What kind of pants does Mario wear? Denim Denim Denim
timberwolvesguy ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 04:59:26 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Two drums and a cymbal fall off a cliff. ba dum tsh
millionhari ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:00:33 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
What's green and has wheels? Grass, I lied about the wheels.
BagelCo ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:00:48 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
The bar is always crowded, nobody goes there anymore
Brittynay ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:01:03 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
What do you get when you cross a caterpillar and a parrot?
A walkie-talkie
halfrican14 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:01:59 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Why did the pig go to the kitchen?
It felt like bacon.
lostinsurburbia ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:02:05 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Knock Knock.
Who's there?
Smell Mop.
Smell Mop who?
mammbaaa ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:03:10 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
why was tigger looking in the toilet? he was looking for pooh
jjaymay ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:03:23 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.
Bert asked Ernie if he wanted ice cream and he said sure Bert.
kodiak0385 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:03:31 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
A farmer decided to play a joke on his wife around Easter. He went in the chicken coop and placed colored eggs under the nesting hens. The rooster strolled into the coop, sees the colored eggs, storms out and beats up the peacock.
bugmango ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:04:01 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Did you hear about the cannibal who passed a missionary on the trail?
tinyladyduck ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:04:35 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
What's Fozzy Bear's favorite snack?
Gwaka-waka-mole.
Timwi ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:04:47 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
A pony walked into a bar. The bartender recognized her as the lead singer of a popular hit single. She said, "Would you mind singing on our humble stage for us?" And the pony responded, "No, I'm a little hoarse."
Jaden4president ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:04:47 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Why did the hedgehog cross the road? To see his 'flat'mate
o_0maestr0_o ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:05:02 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Why did Mozart hate chickens?
All they could talk about is Bach Bach Bach...
MagicalWeirdo ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:05:06 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
girl walks up to a guy Girl: you should work at Starbucks, because I like you a latte.
KnowledgeGreaterThan ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:07:29 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
My family always used to move around a lot as a kid, but I always found them.
laceandink ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:08:03 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Why don't blind people go sky diving?
It scares the heck out of their dogs.
screenfan ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:09:21 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
TIL I have not heard alot of these jokes before.
insulator7 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:09:47 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Whats green and has wheels?
Grass...... I lied about the wheels.
avatarr ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:11:36 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
"What's red and hangs from ceiling fans?"
"A red ceiling fan hanger."
"What's blue and hangs from ceiling fans?"
"Nothing. They don't make them in that color."
shawiwowie ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:13:12 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
An Airport goes to the doctor and the Dr says, "I have bad news, you have cancer." The Airport gasps, "oh no! What kind?"
"Terminal"
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:13:20 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
A grasshopper walks into a bar. The bartender says "Hey, we have a drink named after you!" The grasshopper says "Really?! You have a drink named Earl?!"
me2pleez ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:14:49 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Why are portholes round? So the water won't hit you square in the face.
Mitcheli1 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:14:53 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Guy walks into a bar with bananas stuck in his ears. Bartender says "He Buddy what's with the Bananas?" - Guy says "What?"
InfiniteCooper ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:17:31 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Why does Snoop Dog need an umbrella?
Fo-drizzle
ho_hum_dowhat ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:18:56 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
A peanut was walking down a dark alley. He was a salted.
TitaniumDragon ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:19:07 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Why are there no knock-knock jokes about America?
Because freedom rings.
Unicorntheories ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:19:09 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
What do you call a deer with no eyes? {shrug and use a southern accent} "No idear."
HULK_SIZED_DILDO ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:19:58 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Talking muffins
TheOneAndOnlyGinger ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:20:08 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Why did the belt go to jail? Cause he held up a pair of pants.
MrSneezyAchoo ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:20:29 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Why did Simba's dad die?
He didn't Mufasa-nough.
khelanrafe ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:20:30 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
You hear about the sidewalk? It's all over town!
Well I know you've heard about the kidnapping. Yeah, they woke her up.
sterno_joe ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:20:45 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
What do you call a boomerang that doesn't come back?
A stick.
Chuckhemmingway ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:20:54 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
What did batman say to robin before they got in the bat mobile?
Get in.
What do elephants and trees have in common?
They're both really big.
Knock knock. Who's there? Smell mop.
epicYOLOswag ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:21:36 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
why couldn't the two melons get married?
Honeydew we cantaloupe
nelson1178 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:21:40 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
A blind man walks into a store and starts knocking things off the shelf with his cane. The store manager comes up to him and asks "Can I help you?" The blind man replies "No, I'm just looking."
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:22:57 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
What do you call a man in a hole? Doug
Anovan ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:24:20 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
What's brown and sticky?
A stick.
NASAguy1000 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:24:34 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I know im late but hey. What do you call a guy with no arms an no legs in the swimming pool? Bob.
What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs on your front porch? Matt.
33timeemit33 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:40:13 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Guy on the wall... art
NASAguy1000 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 05:58:19 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
what makes it worse my buddies dads name is art!
33timeemit33 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 06:16:02 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Same with my grand pa
Ludozing ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:25:39 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
How do you make a Kleenex dance? - Put a little boogie in it.
mogoose ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:26:46 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Wanna hear a good pizza joke? Never mind it's too cheesy
Ludozing ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:27:23 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Whats the difference between a piano, a fish and a jar of glue? - "you can tune a piano but you can't tune a fish" then hopefully someone asks about the glue, "what about the glue though?" - "everyone always get stuck on the glue"
zerotwoalpha ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:28:53 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
A man walked into a bar. Thump.
ShiftyMcShift ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:29:19 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Why can't you find aspirin in the jungle?
Parrots eat 'em all.
ShiftyMcShift ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:29:20 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Why can't you find aspirin in the jungle?
Parrots eat 'em all.
MustadioBunansa ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:29:37 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
What's brown and sticky?
A stick.
IndigoBluePC901 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:32:26 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Two muffins are baking in the oven. One turns to the other and says, "Hey, it's getting kind of hot in here." The other muffin says "Holy crap, a talking muffin!"
rahot ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:32:49 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Knock knock
Who's there
I eat mop
BT4life ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:33:37 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I spilled spot remover on my dog.
Now he's gone
rendar00 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:35:13 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
What kind of bees make milk? Booo Beeeees
ifiallowit ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:35:26 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Wanna hear a dirty joke? A white horse fell in mud. Wanna hear a clean joke? That same horse just took a bath.
jnards007 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:36:44 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
What's a nostalgic person with a stutter's favorite candy?
Mementos!
inksmudgedhands ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:36:54 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Person 1: What's a pirate's favorite letter?
Person 2: Rrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr
Person 1: No, it be the C.
puppypaws98 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:37:13 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Soldier walks into a bar with a big 'ole ostrich. Bartender asks the guy, "So what's with the bird?"
Soldier says he used to be stationed over in Iraq. Out on patrol one day, he came across an old man who looked to be dying of thirst. The soldier give the poor fellow water and first aid and saves his life.
In gratitude, the old man says, "I am a Jinn, and because you were kind, I grant you a wish."
Soldier thinks about it for a while, then says, "I'm really lonely stationed out here. My wish is for a tall chick with long legs that will follow me everywhere?"
POOF.....wish granted!
a_frog_on_stilts ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:37:31 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Q: What's red and looks like a bucket? A: A red bucket
Q: What's green and looks like a bucket? A: A red bucket in disguise.
Q: What's blue and smells like paint? A: Blue paint.
Q: What's brown and sticky? A: A stick.
Q: What's brown and green and will kill you if it falls from a tree? A: A pool table.
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:37:41 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Two peanuts walk through a bad neighborhood. One was assaulted.
oyog ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:37:46 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Q: How do you get down from an elephant?
A: You don't get down from an elephant, you get down from a goose.
mcasper96 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:38:14 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
What do you call a broken can opener? A can't opener.
phillip_buster ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:38:30 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Why can't you shower with a Pokemon?
Because he'll Pikachu.
voidsoul22 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:38:57 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
A blonde girl runs up to her overprotective father and exclaims, "Oh Daddy! I met this man Sergei at the coffee shop, and he's amazing! He went to Yale!"
The father is impressed, but cautious. "Well, let's have him over for dinner". So later that day, the girl brings Sergei to her house, and her father greets him at the door.
F: "So, Sergei! I hear you went to Yale!"
S: "Yes sir. Was there almost ten years, learned a lot believe me."
Now the dad is suspicious. "Isn't ten years an awful long time to be there, young man?"
Sergei's eyes go wide. "Yes sir! That's what I told the yudge!"
Polarchuck ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:38:57 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Why did Piglet look in the toilet?
He was looking for Poo(h).
I laugh every time.
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:39:30 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
You look like you need a new butt because yours is cracked
Originalfrozenbanana ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:41:10 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
ITT: jokes from this thread.
BerryhillManofSteel ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:41:34 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef
What do you call a cow with three legs? Lean beef
What do you call a cow with two legs?
YOUR MOM!!!
CreatrixAnima ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:41:51 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
June is watching tv when the doorbell rings. She answers it and much to her delight, there is a man delivering a telegram.
"A telegram?!" she ask, excitedly. "Is it a singing telegram?"
"No, ma'am," the man replies. "I'm sorry, it is not."
"Alright, but would you sing it for me anyway?"
"Uh, no, ma'am, I'm sorry. I don't think that would be ---"
"Oh please just sing it for me? I've always wanted a singing telegram."
This went on for several minutes, and finally the man consented. June clasped her hands, beaming, ready to hear her singing telegram, and the man began to sing:
"Bum, bum, bum, Your sister, Rose, is dead, bum, bum, bum..."
Originalfrozenbanana ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:41:55 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
me: Knock knock
you: Whos there
me: Owls
you: Owls who
me: Yes they do
/u/comp-eng made it before me
genericky ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:43:21 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
What's the difference between the judicial system and frozen water? One is justice and the other is just ice.
Ramaloke ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:43:40 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Pull my finger!
Sno_Wolf ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:45:26 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I have the heart of a lion and a lifetime ban from Brookfield Zoo.
Moremayhem ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:45:47 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Two pieces of string walk into a bar. Bartender says "we don't serve your kind in here" First string turns to leave but the second one won't let him. First string says. "You hear him, they don't serve strings here". Second string says "Well, I'm a frayed knot"!
geoffmason ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:46:13 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Why did the pebble roll down the hill? To get boulder. My girlfriend losses her mind every time I say that.
Tralan ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:46:41 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
If someone asks me if I want to go do something that requires money.
"Call me Edgar Allen, cuz I''s Po'!"
I've been experimenting with:
"Call me Tchaikovsky, cuz I'm Baroque."
"Like a strict oyster bar, I got no clams."
"I'd make a poor baker cuz I got no dough!"
and finally, "I'm like a herd of doe; no bucks!"
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:46:43 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Knock knock [who's there] Interrupting cow [interupting co..] MOOOOOOOOO.
lmille27 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:46:45 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Knock knock
Who's there?
Soup
Soup who?
Souper man
It slays every time
anewwayoflearning ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:47:14 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
So there was this magician, and he was driving, and then he turned into a driveway.
FauxrriorMunk ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 06:52:05 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Oh god dammit.
Oniknight ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:48:16 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
This is my kids' favorite knock knock joke:
Knock Knock.
Who's There?
Banana.
Banana Who?
Knock Knock.
Who's There?
Banana.
Banana Who?
Knock Knock.
Who's There?
Banana.
Banana Who?
(repeat as many times as the other person will humor you. Bonus points if they start saying BANANA WHO? in an aggravated, hysterical voice)
Knock knock
Who's there?
Orange.
Orange Who?
Orange you glad I didn't say banana?
IAmThePulloutK1ng ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:51:20 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tuK9IUK5I5I
phishbowls ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:52:05 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Two peanuts were walking down the street. One was assaulted.
phishbowls ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:52:46 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
What is a horse's favourite condiment?
Mayo-NAYYYYYse
lt_dagg ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:53:01 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
What do you call a cow with no legs?
Ground beef
daneelthesane ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:53:32 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Mrs Jones takes Mr Smith to court for defamation, since Mr Smith keeps calling Mrs Jones a pig. The judge rules that Mr Smith is guilty of defamation, and orders him to stop calling Mrs Jones a pig.
Mr Smith says, "Am I to understand that I am not allowed to call Mrs Jones a pig?"
"Correct," says the judge.
"But can I call a pig 'Mrs Jones'?" asks Mr Smith.
"I suppose you can," replies the judge, "There is no law against it."
Mr Smith turns to Mrs Jones and says, "Good afternoon, Mrs Jones."
phishbowls ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:55:06 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
A mushroom walks into a bar and orders a drink. The bartender says, "Sorry, we don't serve your kind here." The mushroom replies "Oh come on, I'm a fungi."
saudade_xo ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:55:30 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Two peanuts walk into a bar. One of them is assaulted.
plaid_cloud ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:56:14 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
When is it time to go to the dentist?
Tooth-hurty!
rustybuster17 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:56:32 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
When is a door not a door?
When it's ajar.
vpisteve ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:57:12 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Knock knock. Who's there? Panther. Panther who? Panther no panths, I'm going thwimming.
ivancurtis ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:59:08 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Knock knock. Who's there? You You who? Yooooo hoooooo!
jrissler9 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:59:31 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
How do cows make milk? With the uddermost care.
GhostfaceMillah92 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 06:00:12 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
What did the fish say when he swam into the wall? Dam
HeroMentat ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 06:00:38 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I feel like someone just watched John Greene's videos of 50 jokes in 4 minutes.
Fulldemonstorm ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 06:00:52 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
What kind of pants does Mario wear?
Denim denim denim
KhorialT0MCAT ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 06:01:14 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
What kind of overalls does mario wear? Denim, Denim, Denim
notrealmate ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 06:01:42 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
What's big, red and eats rocks? A big red rock-eater.
_druids ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 06:03:18 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Why did Tigger have his head in the toilet?
He was looking for Pooh.
pastahorror ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 06:03:28 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I made this one up. I'd say it's pg because kids wouldn't understand. What do they say about the guy whose anus prolapsed? It rectum.
mydarknavigator ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 06:04:15 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Why did Tigger look down the toilet?
He was looking for Pooh.
nythyn12 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 06:08:54 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
What is the dumbest animal in the jungle?
The polar bear.
Why was the lion lost in the jungle?
Because the jungle is really big.
soho85 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 06:10:59 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
What do you and an oyster have in common? .... You're both shellfish!
aerosmithguy151 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 06:11:20 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
How much wood could a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could Chuck Norris?
phadeone ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 06:13:20 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Two muffins are sitting in an oven. One Muffin looks at the other and says "is it hot on here or is it just me?" and the other Muffin says "AAAHHHHH! It's a talking Muffin!"
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 06:14:13 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
If a gull by the sea is called a seagull. What is a gull by the Bay called?
Zanzibar23 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 06:19:03 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Begal
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 06:16:29 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
don't be offended, it' silly.
what do you get when god steps on a synogogue?
...
juice
HookMn ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 06:17:54 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Knock Knock
Who's There?
The Interrupting Cow.
The Inter-
MOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
AgrusKosFanboy ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 06:18:48 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
A sailor on a Navy ship is given control of the helm for the first time during the night shift. There's a thick fog, and through the haze, he sees a light. He has the radioman scan for a signal, and hails the light.
"This is a ship bearing down on you, please change course."
The light responds, "Impossible. Please change course."
The sailor is getting annoyed, and says,
"I recommend you change course, sir. We're in a big ship and it would be easier for you to change course."
The light responds,
"Negatory, sir. That will not be possible."
The sailor is angry now.
"This is a US Navy battleship bearing down on you at 25 knots, please change your course, sir!"
The light responds with,
"That would be difficult, considering I'm in a lighthouse."
TheIllusionistMirage ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 06:18:54 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
This one: Teacher catches me being a nuisance in class and points a ruler at me and says, "At the end of this ruler exists an idiot". After a few seconds I ask, "Which end are you referring to?".
LordoftheSynth ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 06:19:35 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
What did they say at the leper hockey game?
There's a face off in the corner!
Lizbeffwolf ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 06:20:16 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
what is brown and sticky?
a stick!
CubanB ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 06:20:18 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
What did the snowman ask his friend?
Hey do you smell carrots?
Chrisrus ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 06:21:04 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
The best time to go to the dentist is 2:30.
FoolZerrand ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 06:22:16 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
How is a gopher like a bald eagle? They both live underground, except the eagle.
kingship101 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 06:22:32 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
What's the difference between a bird and a fly?
A bird can fly but a fly can't bird.
ReleventJman ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 06:23:21 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
From where did the sperm whale get it's name?
Ask your grandparents.
Algiers440 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 06:23:30 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
My wife's cooking, it's so bad if I leave floss in the kitchen, the roaches hang themselves!
adalab ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 06:24:19 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Knock knock
Who's there
Interrupting cow
Interrupting co-
MOO
HookMn ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 06:24:34 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
What's green and smells like red paint?
Green paint.
Perfect_World ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 06:25:04 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
A mushroom walks into a bar sits down and starts hitting on a lady. She rejects his advaces. The mushroom goes "hey lady I'm a fun guy!" Get it fungi...hehe.
NachosWithSourCream ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 06:25:14 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Why did the turtle cross the road?
To get to the Shell station.
jedadkins ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 06:25:31 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
what do you call a fish with no eyes? fsh....works better out loud
Oneforburton ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 06:26:23 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
-Is your refrigerator running? -Yes? -Well you better go catch it!
one4buffett ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 06:26:31 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I was driving down the road, feeling blue, and I saw a sign that said "Need Jesus?" with a phone number listed. When I got home, I called. A little while later, a Mexican showed up at my door with a lawn mower.
xraynorx ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 06:27:44 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Why do fish live in salt water?
Because pepper makes them sneeze.
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 06:27:48 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
How do you catch a unique fox? Unique up on it.
How do you catch a tame fox? Tame way, unique up on it.
Fletch_McCoy ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 06:27:55 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
So two gay pears walk into a bar and the bartender says "well look at this pair of fruits"
Tamale_Monster ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 06:27:59 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
*book-marking this thread for my next bad day at work.
madhacker ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 06:28:30 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Q: What did the fish say when it hit the wall? A: Dam.
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 06:28:38 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
From my son's college aged girlfriend who actually laughs out loud every time she tells the joke - Two muffins are sitting in an oven when one says to the other, "Man it's hot in here!" The other muffin looks at the first and says, "Oh my - a talking muffin!"
jmelina ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 06:30:01 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
This year I'm giving up Catholicism for lent.
youmeanddougie ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 06:30:50 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
One night a turtle is on his way home. It's late and he missed the bus so he has to walk through the "bad" part of town.
He cuts through an alley to save some time and that's when he runs into 3 thugged out snails. One snails says, "This is a mugging" while another snail hits the turtle over the head...knocking him out cold.
When the turtle woke up....he was staring at a policeman. The policeman said, "Mr. Turtle...can you tell us what happened?"
The turtle says, "I'm not sure...it all happened so fast"
kinjinsan ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 06:31:10 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
What's the difference between juggling and pea-green paint?
Anybody can learn how to juggle.
bored_gunman ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 06:31:44 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Knock knock. Who's there? Horsp. Horsp-who?....hahahahaha...mainly because I remember my oldest brother being really sick and threw up after being told that joke...he still doesn't think it was funny
BombDisposalBob ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 06:32:18 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Why did the monkey fall out of the tree? It died.
rat49f6 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 06:32:26 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
"A guy walks into a bar... Ouch"
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 06:32:48 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Hemoglobin
Cur1y_ ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 06:32:53 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
A man walks into a bar, his alcohol dependency is tearing his family apart.
remarkabledrummer ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 06:40:03 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
A man is driving down the highway and he notices some confused looking penguins wandering around on the side of the road and, being a good Samaritan, decided to pick them up. A few miles down, he was pulled over by a policeman. The policeman walks up to the car and noticed the penguins in the back. He says "Sir, where did you get these penguins from?" The man explains the situation and the officer says "You need to take them to the zoo immediately." He agrees and the officer sets him on his way.
A week later, the same man is driving down the same stretch of road and is pulled over by the same policeman. He says "I thought I told you to take those penguins to the zoo last week! Why do you still have them?"
The man looks at him and says "I did, just like you told me to. And today we're going to the beach!"
RenSWAK ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 06:40:16 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Two peanuts walk into a bar. One's assaulted.
CraigsWife ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 06:40:57 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Where does the captain keep his armies?
In his sleevies!
hamster911 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 06:49:10 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
What is brown and sticky? A stick.
Right_in_ze_butt ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 06:51:24 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Why can't ghosts have babies? Because they have hollow weenies.
richwonton ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 06:52:00 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Why don't you tell jokes on ice??
Because it might crack up
Lateralus6977 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 06:52:27 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
A man gets pulled over by a cop. When the cop approaches he notices penguins in the back seat of the car. The cops tells the driver that he cannot have penguins in the back seat of his car and orders him to take them to the zoo. The man replies "yes sir." The next day the cop pulls over the same guy still with the penguins in the back seat of the car but this time the Penguins are all wearing sunglasses. The cop says "sir didn't I tell you to take these penguins to the zoo?" The man replies "yes sir I did. Today we are going to the beach."
cpn_lightning_bolt ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 06:54:30 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
What does one snowman say to the other?
Do you smell carrots?
metarinka ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 06:54:42 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I wrote a poem called locked mineshaft.
It is not very accessible but it's deep.
Marc013 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 06:55:09 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Ask me if I'm a carrot.
ryangrillo ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 07:41:38 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Are you a carrot?
Marc013 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 07:54:21 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
No!..... What a strange thing to ask.
ryangrillo ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:44:01 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Ha! Awesome
Kenshinas ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 07:00:45 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Why do seagulls live near the sea? Because if they lived in the bay they'd be called bagels!!
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 07:07:54 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
A sandwich walks into a bar. The bartender says, "Sorry, we don't serve food here."
iAntiHero ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 07:08:16 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
A grasshopper walks into a bar
The bartender sees him and says hey "I served a drink named after you!"
The grasshopper says "You served a drink named Billy?"
Sandriell ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 07:09:31 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Has to be heard to be appreciated.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9ukM5rBgi00
aguamentifelicis ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 07:12:15 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
(Not sure how g rated this is but it was a joke my brother told in to my parents when he was elementary school aged... I mean like grade 2 age, they have not forgotten and it is funny.)
Him: Okay after every question I ask you must say 'rubber fish and liquor'. What did you have for breakfast?
Other: rubber fish and liquor
Him: what you have for dinner?
Other: rubber fish and liquor
Him: what did you have for supper?
Other: rubber fish and liquor.
Him: what are you going to do tonight?
Other: rubber fish and liquor.
EngiDaBoss ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 07:20:43 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
What do you call a 3 legged donkey?
.
.
. . A WONKEY
stopshootingthewall ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 07:22:48 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
ITT: dads
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 07:25:15 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
In England they eat 2 eggs but in France one is an euf
Nooneyslap ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 07:29:15 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
What do you call a nosy pepper?
Jalapeรฑo business
SeraphicName ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 07:31:49 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
What did the farmer say when he lost his tractor?
"Where's my tractor"?!
tralphaz43 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 07:32:37 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
The us is going to ban the big round bales of hay.... because cows aren't getting a square meal
Murazama ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 07:48:07 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Why couldn't Batman go fishing?
Because Robin ate all of his worms.
Badumtss.. that was a joke my dad told me when I was like 6, 21 years later and it still makes me chuckle.
7hriv3 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 07:54:14 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I keep all my g rated jokes under there
akanieski ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 13:12:19 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Underwear? (:-P)
_Neptune_ ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 07:57:48 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
What's blue and not heavy? Light blue.
ritrangri ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 08:01:25 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
how did the shepherd find his sheep?
-satisfying.
darthbob88 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 09:00:17 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I'm not sure that's G-Rated, but if it counts-
A noblewoman holds a ball. She dances with a local trader. "Monsieur, you have a stain on your tunic." He goes white with shame and walks off head hanging low.
She dances with a duke. "Your Grace, you have a dip of sauce on your collar." He walks off and shoots himself on the balcony.
She dances with a dashing cavalry captain. "Captain, you have mud on your boots." "That's not mud, ma'am, that's shit. Don't worry, it'll fall off once it dries."
I_got_nothin_ ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 08:09:46 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
What kind of pants does Mario wear?
Denim denim denim
Peachflamin ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 08:15:17 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Why did the kid fall off his bike? ..... Because he mum threw a fridge at him.
Just_Isaak ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 08:19:31 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
hope no one said this one yet.found it on a popsicle stick.
Why didn't the owl make a sound?
because he didn't give H00T.
Hoxha80 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 08:21:36 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
What do you call a black man that flies a plane?
A pilot, you idiot.
SOUR666 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 08:22:40 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Why did the elephant sit on the marshmallow? So he wouldn't fall in the hot chocolate.
Wherearemylegs ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 08:30:52 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Army Drill Instructor: JOHNSON, I DIDN'T SEE YOU AT CAMOUFLAGE TRAINING TODAY!
Johnson: THANK YOU, SIR!
maybe_science ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 08:38:46 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Why do seagulls fly over the sea? BECAUSE IF THEY FLEW OVER THE BAY, THEYD BE BAYGULLS!
From space ghost musical barbecue.
John_Miles ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 08:57:02 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Patient: Doctor sometimes I feel like a Teepee, other times like a Wigwam.
Doctor: Ah I see. It sounds to me like you're too tense (two tents)
nathanzo ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 09:00:04 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Probably far too late but...
A farmer who was famous for growing enormous vegetables died recently; there was a huge turn-up at his funeral.
CanadianJogger ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 09:03:22 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
It is never too late to turnip.
mutha_scratcha ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 09:01:30 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
A guy goes into a restaurant/lounge wearing a shirt open at the collar and is met by a bouncer who tells him he must wear a necktie to gain admission.
So the guy goes out to his car and he looks around for a necktie and discovers that he just doesn't have one. He sees a set of jumper cables in his trunk. In desperation he ties these around his neck, manages to fashion a fairly acceptable looking knot and lets the ends dangle free.
He goes back to the restaurant and the bouncer carefully looks him over for a few minutes and then says, "Well, OK, I guess you can come in - just don't start anything.
yearightt ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 09:04:11 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
wrecked em?! damn near killed em!
edit: rectum^ I am bad at comedy
M0rqu1ng4 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 09:08:15 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
What do you call a fly with no wings?
A walk.
What do you call a fly with no wings and no legs?
A raisin.
ZeroStars11 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 09:11:47 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Remember the invention of the shovel? It was groundbreaking.
prizefyter ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 09:34:30 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)*
Herp: "Last year for my birthday I got a henway." Derp: "What's a 'henway'? Herp: "About 3 or 4 pounds."
Herp: "Yesterday I met a Kimsay." Derp: "What's a 'Kimsay'?" Herp: "Anything she likes."
Derp: "How long is a Chinaman?" Herp: "Yes."
Long_Tall_Man ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 09:40:59 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
What do you do to an Elephant with 3 balls?
Walk him & pitch to the Hippo.
BoomYouLostYourGF ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 09:41:55 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
What starts with f and ends with uck?
firetruck
BoomYouLostYourGF ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 09:43:16 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
And my all time favorite.... Why is 6 afraid of 7? Because 7, 8, 9
Kuratsake ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 09:44:05 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Mom, I want cookies!!
They're on the shelf.
But mom, I have no hands!!!
No hands, no cookies.
MikoSqz ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 09:51:10 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
What's brown and sticky?
A stick.
Side-Table ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 09:52:37 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
What do you get when you pull the wings out of a fly?
A walk.
AutumnCrystal ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 10:13:58 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
What's a pirates favorite letter?
You might think it's R, but it's the C.
thehauntedmattress ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 10:27:59 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Why was the ant mad when it was on the toilet seat? Because it got pissed off.
kindlyenlightenme ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 10:41:04 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
โWhat G-Rated Joke Always Cracks You Up?โ How many psychiatrists and/or philosophers does it take to change a light bulb and/or the human race? Only one. But the light bulb and/or the human race has really got to want to change.
HuskyLuke ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 11:40:45 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Not sure if you'd quite class it as G-rated but anywho I came up with a joke (which admittedly is very similar to a whole bunch of other jokes and in fact for all I know I did hear/read it somewhere then forgot and thought I came up with it... Anyway);
There have been a string of thefts of urine samples from local hospital. A police spokesman said that they don't currently have any leads but someone is definitely taking the piss.
burtonlang ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 11:43:53 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Why did the monkey fall out of the tree?
โโ Because it was dead.
Chico119 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 11:46:59 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
What are Mario's overalls made out of?
Denim denim denim.
QuietRulrOfEvrything ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:09:37 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
:D
Ashe_Faelsdon ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 11:56:06 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Q: What's brown and sticky? A: A Stick... (you dirty fuck)...
upliketrump ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 12:01:44 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Whatever happened to the "wooden" car
It wooden go!!!!! Hilarious
neernitt ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 12:04:57 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Anything that ends in. "because I'm a fungi."
you_got_fragged ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 15:02:07 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Why was the mushroom invited to the party?
It wasn't. Fungus is not capable of having a social life.
sotp_noob ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 12:30:14 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
A panda walks into a bar, sits down and orders a drink. After he finishes eating the sandwich, the panda pulls out a gun and shoots the waiter, and then stands up to go. Everyone is terrified by the bar manager totally understands.
The manager hands a dictionary to a customer. He opens the dictionary and sees the following definition for panda: "A tree-dwelling marsupial of Asian origin, characterised by distinct black and white colouring. Eats shoots and leaves."
Cosmic_Cowboy2 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 12:42:12 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I haven't trusted humanitarians ever since I learned what a vegetarian eats.
scottscience ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 12:42:37 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
What's black & white and red all over? A nun that fell down the stairs.
What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef.
aBeardOfBees ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 13:09:59 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
What do you call a three-legged donkey?
A wonky.
alsotork ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 13:10:09 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
What's the difference between pea soup and mashed potatoes?
Anyone can mash potatoes.
FriendsInHell ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 13:18:38 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
The sound of a fart.
productionshooter ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 13:27:06 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Two snowmen are standing in a field. One snowman looks at the other snowman and says "You're right, it does smell like carrots..."
KnawzR ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 13:31:53 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Nooooo, you're feeding WoodysGamertag full of bad jokes for PKA :(
kenshinmoe ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 13:34:09 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
What is red and smells like green paint? Red paint.
lalamullen ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 13:38:37 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Why do milk stools only have three legs?
Because the cow has the udder.
productionshooter ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 13:39:48 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
A horse walks into a bar, the majority of the patrons get up and leave because they understand the potential dangers of that situation.
Supersnazz ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 13:44:14 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Q. What has 2 legs and bleeds?
A. Half a dog
Asknicelydammit ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 13:47:57 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Why does snoop always carry an umbrella?
Fo' drizzle
probabilitydoughnut ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 13:49:45 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.
taco_cop ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 14:00:13 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
What do you call a black guy who's flying the plane? You call him the pilot you racist.
CougarBen ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 14:06:16 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
What did the pirate say on his 80th birthday? Aye matey!
VikingBlast ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 14:09:43 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
What's brown and sticky? A stick
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 14:20:59 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
[deleted]
ThermiteMillie ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 14:21:12 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
What kind of cheese doesn't belong to you?
NACHO CHEESE
DarkPilchard ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 14:24:11 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Why is there no painkillers in the jungle? Because the parrots-eat-them-all (paracetamol)
TheJester73 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 14:24:18 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Sausage jokes are the wurst.
susone ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 14:53:55 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Why was Tigger looking in the toilet?
He was searching for Pooh!
MrSilencedtato69 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:15:56 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
What's brown and sticky? -a stick
Jcv710 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:16:00 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Why did the lettuce blush? Because it saw the salad dressing.
IDontDoMath ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:20:52 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Can a match box? No, but a tin can.
arghnard ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:24:05 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Borat's walking chair joke
FormicaCats ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:41:36 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
The artist accounts need to go through and illustrate all of these - I want to draw them and send them out to my kid sister but I can't draw at all!
astrocat39 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:43:29 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
The CIA, the MI6 and the KGB have to do a training exercise. They have 1 hour to search through an entire forest, and find a squirrel. The CIA send their top agents, an hour later they come back and say "There's definetely no squirrels here.". The MI6 send James Bond, he comes back an hour later and says the same thing. The KGB go in, 5 minutes later they come back with a bear who rolls over and says "I'M A SQUIRREL".
ikarose ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:56:56 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I Mustache you a question... but I'll Shave it for later....
Tyfud ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:25:25 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
What's brown and sticky?
A stick.
TheBearPieceCometh ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:32:54 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
What's a sea monsters favorite snack?
Ships and dip
careerthunder ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:15:22 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Good morning. Would do you feel like some coffee?
What are you just standing around handing out coffee to strangers at 6 a.m.?
I always have a cup for whoever gets here first.
You got here first.
Yes, but, I don't work here yet.
Then.. Why do you keep coming back?
When I was in the service, my dad.. he sent me this book.. and it was written by the guy who started this company. And every word in the book, I mean.. I wanted to be that guy. And it was written by the guy who started this company. And every word in the book, I mean..
You know, I wrote that book.
I wanted to be.. that guy.
You know I-
-And I thought the best way to learn would be to have a cup for whoever gets here first
You got here first
Yess.. I know that..
You know I used to have a Corolla-
I wanted to be.. That book. My dad-
-wrote that book
You're pictures on the-
-You know I used to have a Corolla
Yess.. I know that..
In '85
Yess.. It's.. in the book
What are you just standing around handing out coffee to strangers at 6 a.m.?
I always be that guy
You got here first
Yes but, my dad.. he sent me this book-
-You know I used to have a Corolla
...I know that
The Toyota Corolla is just the car to get you from A to B, when A is the EO and B is the CB, when A is an intern.
pleasedothenerdful ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:23:43 on February 14, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
So confused. Not really less confused even after I found this: http://www.adweek.com/adfreak/toyotas-good-move-campaign-has-few-questionable-ones-142231.
johnny_moist ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 20:25:59 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Two muffins are in an oven when one suddenly yells,"Fuck! we're burning up in here!" to which the other responds, "Holy shit! WE CAN TALK?!"
RaymondTeriffic ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 20:33:01 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Why did the plane crash? The pilot was a load of bread.
water_pipes ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 21:19:21 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Knock knock
Who is there?
The
The Who?
No, The Rolling Stones!
Selectedstudy ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:26:24 on February 14, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Alternatively:
The Who?
Yyyyeeeeeeeeaaaaaaahhhhhhhh!
skinavish ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 21:49:32 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
"It's my house, /I/ should decide how many bedrooms there are. For example, this bedroom has an oven in it!"
skirider7 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 21:56:46 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Rex
Jarom2 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 22:21:14 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
What did the farmer say when he lost his tractor?
"Where's my tractor?"
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:48:13 on February 16, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
What's black and dangerous and sits in a tree? A crow with a machine gun.
Appa_ ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 04:34:57 on February 19, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
What do you call a woman with one leg?
Eileen.
Where does she work?
IHOP
๐๏ธ Alkomb ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:01:47 on February 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Ha, dang.
TRG42 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 23:57:13 on February 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Stationary shop moving.
Foraxenathog ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 07:27:54 on February 23, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Two apples are sitting in oven.
The first Apple says "man it's hot in here. If we don't get out we're going to get cooked"
The second Apple looks at the first and says "holy crap it's a talking apple!"
Gets me every time.
jk-mno ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 10:39:36 on February 29, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
a mexican magician was putting on a show. he said "on the count of three i will disappear. Uno... dos..." and POOF he disappeared without a tres.
Saint-Kristopher ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 09:35:09 on March 1, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
What do you get if you pour root beer into a square mug? Beer
taylorgasm ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 23:14:00 on March 8, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
A: Hey the circus is in town, wanna go? B: I dunno is it any good? A: of course! It's always in tents!
hahaha I crack myself up
Lecompte ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:48:28 on March 10, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
What's the difference between a man wearing a suit on a unicycle and a man wearing rags on a bicycle? Attire (a tire)
๐๏ธ Alkomb ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 13:45:58 on March 27, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Ha.
thisusernameis-taken ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:50:11 on April 7, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
This poem- "Roses are black Violets are black Im blind" Source: some anti joke website
Prytoo ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 14:36:28 on April 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
My wife always dies at: Knock Knock, Who's There?, Bumblebee, Bumblebee Who? Bumblebee cold if your pants fall down.
I've yet to hear her deliver it without chortling.
๐๏ธ Alkomb ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:11:13 on April 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I only just kinda get it, sorry.
Prytoo ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:05:38 on April 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
"Bum will be cold if your pants fall down".
I giggle, but my wife is full on hysterics.
๐๏ธ Alkomb ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 20:38:56 on April 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Ha.
tluv09 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:09:07 on April 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Dad Jokes.
๐๏ธ Alkomb ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 21:09:43 on April 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Yeah, same.
goldenboy2191 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:40:38 on April 27, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
My life is so much better because of this thread.
๐๏ธ Alkomb ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 17:12:39 on April 27, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Ah, that actually makes me really happy to hear that!
HequalsI ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 23:54:18 on April 27, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Have you heard about the sale at Ann Summers? I dont know what the percentage off is but I bet its a great deal doe
๐๏ธ Alkomb ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:12:08 on April 28, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I don't get it, sorry.
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 10:40:49 on May 5, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
[deleted]
๐๏ธ Alkomb ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 14:26:16 on May 5, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Ha.
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:34:04 on May 10, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
[deleted]
๐๏ธ Alkomb ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 19:40:30 on May 10, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Ha.
HailHelix123 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 23:44:45 on May 16, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Little Jimmy grew up in a very urban enviorment.Heยดs seen very few animals.
One day he takes some butter and tosses it out the window
He wanted to see a butterfly
๐๏ธ Alkomb ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:43:22 on May 17, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Ha.
SilithDark ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 10:39:05 on May 19, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I'm late to the party, but...
Two peanuts were walking through a park; one was assaulted.
Another one that's better spoken because assaulted = a salted.
๐๏ธ Alkomb ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:22:14 on May 19, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Ha.
Scott3973s ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 21:17:02 on May 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Rombros you 5 star turd ~Johnny English
๐๏ธ Alkomb ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:51:04 on May 22, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I don't get it, sorry.:c
notahorrorfilm ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 14:17:03 on May 24, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
โHolmes and Watson are on a camping trip. In the middle of the night Holmes wakes up and gives Dr. Watson a nudge. "Watson" he says, "look up in the sky and tell me what you see."
"I see millions of stars, Holmes," says Watson.
"And what do you conclude from that, Watson?"
Watson thinks for a moment. "Well," he says, "astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three. Meterologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. Theologically, I see that God is all-powerful, and we are small and insignficant. What does it tell you, Holmes?"
"Watson, you idiot! Someone has stolen our tent!โ
๐๏ธ Alkomb ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:26:43 on May 24, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Ha, I wasn't expecting that.
polly-darton ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 13:58:12 on June 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I'm so late but I have to.....
What's a ninjas favorite drink??
WAATTAAAAHHH!!!!
๐๏ธ Alkomb ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 14:21:39 on June 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I don't get it, but it made me laugh, though, ha. Wait, isn't that the noise/sound that they make, or whatever?:o (I could probably rephrase that.)
polly-darton ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:30:58 on June 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Yes! Probably better when said in person...
๐๏ธ Alkomb ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:00:13 on June 21, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Ha, yeah, true. You're awesome.:o!
Old-Man-Henderson ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 06:23:07 on July 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
What kind of cheese isn't your's?
NACHO CHEESE!
๐๏ธ Alkomb ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 21:39:45 on July 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Ha, I get it.
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:13:27 on July 24, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
[deleted]
๐๏ธ Alkomb ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 14:50:33 on July 24, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I don't get it, sorry.
bennybaroo17 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 20:54:01 on July 27, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
You know why hummingbirds hum?
They forgot the words...
๐๏ธ Alkomb ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 21:11:37 on July 27, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Ha, that's awesome! Thanks!
ProLicks ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 15:11:23 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Oh, and Joke 3, which is all about delivery): There are 2 muffins in the oven. One turns to the other and says, "Hey, is it getting hot in here?" The other muffin screams back "Oh my God! A talking muffin!"
I_AM_METALUNA ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 05:49:09 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
So, a Bear and a Rabbit are taking a shit in the woods
Bear turns to the Rabbit and asks
Do you have issues with shit sticking to your fur?
Why, no. Says the Rabbit.
So the Bear wiped his ass with the Rabbit.
leathalpeaches ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 06:04:12 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
This is not a G rated joke!
IntHatBar ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:11:59 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
How do you make an octopus giggle? Tentacles
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:45:10 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
A Harry Potter related one: yo' mama is so fat she tried to eat Cornelius Fudge.
Made_in_Wales ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 13:46:53 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
How to do you make a nun pregnant? dress them as an alter boy
poopcat69 ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 22:27:59 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Why did the monkey fall out of the tree? Because it was dead. Why did the second monkey fall out of the tree? Because it was stapled to the first monkey.
Papajon87 ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 02:35:24 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
That's not a G joke
Celebrinborn ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 11:02:52 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
About the same as the squirrel jokes on Up
poopcat69 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:23:55 on February 16, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
If you say so, Papa, but I'd rather teach my kids about death young and with a light touch. It also imparts a good lesson about not playing with staplers, a message we can all learn from.
Yokuo ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:30:25 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Why did the skeleton stop moving?
He was bone tired.
McShotCaller ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:50:01 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
What's blue and smells like red paint? Blue paint!
There are two goldfish in a tank, the first one looks at the other one and says "do you know how to drive this thing?"
bonerchamp316 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:54:23 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Know how to make a peach crumble? Kick it in the groin
sundog13 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:04:41 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Dad: Have you meant Joe?
Me: Joe who?
Dad: Joe blow from Breeze, Illinois.
I don't know anyone else who says it but my dad cracks me up with the delivery every time.
beatinbossier18 ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 20:06:51 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I don't get it
sundog13 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 20:15:27 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
The guys last name is blow. Like the wind blows. The city is breeze which is another term for wind. We are from Illinois so I guess that's where my dad picked it up. He is old so who really knows.
bdesign7 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:11:40 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Why does Snoop Dog carry an umbrella?
Fo' drizzle.
strongdad ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:19:13 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
My 6 year old grandson loves to say this one...
Knock knock
Who's there?
Europe
Europe who?
No, you're a poo >.<
(cracks me up every time too)
anw817 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:26:44 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Where'd you get that? The toilet store????
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:28:05 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
why did sandy fall of the swing? ... Because she had no arms. ... ... ... Knock Knock? ... Whos There? ... NOT SANDY
Dastardlydoom ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:03:54 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
What is the worst thing about planning a party in space? You have to planet!
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:22:52 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
What does a gay horse eat? Haaaayyy
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 20:08:38 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Why do seagulls fly over the sea?
Because if they flew over the bay . . .
They'd be bagels!
AliNotBaba ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 00:18:42 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
came here to say this. Makes me laugh every time!
ProperReporter ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 20:32:44 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
What do you get when you cross a brown chicken with a brown cow? ๐ถBrowchicabrowcow!๐ถ
TacoFugitive ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 20:42:31 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Why was the shore wet?
Because the sea weed.
How do you catch a unique rabbit?
You neek up on it.
How do you catch a tame rabbit?
Tame way- you neek up on it.
A nun finds the newest monk in the neighboring monastery to be quite handsome. One day she decides to be a little naughty, so while passing him on the street, she pinched him on the bottom. Her hand was burned, and she yelled in pain and fear, sure she'd been punished by god for her infraction.
Later, she tearfully confessed to the Mother Superior what she had done, and the older woman laughed. "Silly girl, you were not struck by god. What else did you think would happen if you grabbed a hot friar with your bare hands?"
MinnieMantle ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 20:44:52 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
What's invisible and smells like carrots?
Bunny farts.
darkwolf131 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 20:45:44 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
What do you call an alligator wearing a vest?
An investigator!!
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 20:46:02 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I was watching Cloudy With a Chance of Meatballs 2 and the characters are on a boat taking on water.
"There's a leak in the boat!"
Camera cuts to a leek in the boat.
owwlies ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 20:47:11 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I love that one- especially clue the leek screams
[deleted] ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 20:51:53 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
My mom didn't get the movie or why I liked it so much. Its very punny.
sturg78 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 20:52:00 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Why do sharks swim in salt water?
......
Cause pepper water would make them sneeze!
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 21:06:17 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
[deleted]
mannyfiu12 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 22:20:14 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Nope...don't get it.
workythehand ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 21:13:17 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
What's a pirate's favorite letter?
"Arrrrrrr."
Ahh, ye'd think so matey, but really - it's the C.
Inevitablepepperoni ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 22:17:56 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
How do you drown a hippie?
In the mainstream...duhdumtshhhh
Mr_Smartypants ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 22:21:11 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
A family walks into a talent agent's office.
The the man says "Boy, oh boy, do we have an act for you!"
...
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 22:29:28 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Person 1: I don't like puns.
Person 2: Why?
Person 1: Because I find them PUNBEARABLE
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 23:09:19 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Someone downvoted me? I guess they found this comment PUNBEARABLE
harrison6 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 22:33:33 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
What's the difference between a dirty bus station and a lobster with breast implants?
One is a crusty bus station and the other is a busty crustacean.
FVCEGANG ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 22:49:28 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
What is Mozart's favorite fruit?
Ba-na-na-naaaa.
oiseaudelamusique ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 23:52:00 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Obligatory Music Nerd correction:
It's actually Beethoven's favourite fruit.
FVCEGANG ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 00:48:27 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
My Popsicle stick disagrees...
oiseaudelamusique ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:11:33 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)*
My degree in Music disagrees with your Popsicle stick. :)
FVCEGANG ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 02:47:07 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
My Popsicle was blue raspberry flavored so that trumps your silly degree ;)
ItsMrMix ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 23:02:10 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
What did Batman say to Robin before he got in the Batmobile?
Robin, get in the Batmobile.
jakeopolis ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 23:05:03 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
What do you call an alligator in a special vest?
An investigator.
nav_attack ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 23:06:32 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
How many tickles does it take to make an octopus laugh?
Ten. Ten tickles.
Also, what's a pirates favorite letter?
Ye think it'd be R, but 'tis the C they love!
ConsultJimMoriarty ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 23:07:02 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Two baby fur seals walked into a club.
Johnny_deadeyes ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 23:08:45 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Where did Hitler keep his armies?
In his sleevies.
BarbieBri ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 23:10:41 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
What does a nosy pepper do? - Get jalepeno business!
My_Name_Is_Gray ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 23:11:14 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
What is a dinosaurs favorite time of day?
Nine O' Four
TheGrim1 ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 23:44:21 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
What's the best time to get a dentist appointment?
Two Thirty (tooth hurty)
WowPlayaa ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 23:12:15 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Im pretty late but this is my favorite
I oul into the driveway to greet my girlfriend coming back fro the gun store. So my girlfriend asked why I carry a gun around. I replied it is because of those god darn decepticons. I laughed, she laughed, the toaster laughed and I shot the toaster. It was a good time.
binarychunk ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:16:52 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
AnitaLolaVagina ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:49:40 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Spongebob season 1 - 5
ACTUAL_MARCO_RUBIO ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:52:02 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
A horse, a chicken, and a cat walk into a bar. The horse and the chicken ask the cat Let's dispel once and for all with this fiction that Barack Obama doesn't know what he's doing. He knows EXACTLY what he's doing. Barack Obama is undertaking a systematic effort to change this country, to make America more like the rest of the world.
jellary ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:53:57 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I.
Get it.
Now.
iridisss ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:27:17 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Disclaimer: Might not be G-rated; opener involves some sex and joke contains paid hitmen.
Jonathan is having some relationship troubles with his wife. One day, after coming home from work early, he finds his wife and another man in bed. The man flees but leaves his driver's license, which Jonathan picks up without his wife noticing. Jonathan, being the rather calm individual that he is, lets her off the hook. However, later that night, Jonathan didn't sleep. He spent the night looking for a hitman. After a few hours of searching, he finds someone; Arty, who will kill someone for the mere price of $1.
Later, at a park, Jonathan gives him the details. The rest of the night, Jonathan was searching for details on the mystery man. He finds out that his wife's adultery assistant is actually named Ben, and is the manager of a local Wal-Mart. Arty uses his PI skills to follow Ben for 2 weeks, who he finds out actually sleeps with Jonathan's wife every Saturday in his office, during Jonathan's work hours. So Arty conspires his plan. Arty spends the next few days gathering his necessary tools. Being an assassin for $1 doesn't garner much profit, so Arty has to kill them the old-fashioned way--choking his victims. Arty's kit consists of a box of latex gloves and rope to hold his victims still.
Saturday at noon, Arty sneaks into the janitorial room, and dons an unsuspecting work outfit. He waits for Ben to make the call to the wife, and then quickly goes into the Manager's Office, and ties up Ben. 30 minutes pass, and Jonathan's wife enters the office, where she is also quickly tied up. Arty makes quick work of the 2, and calls it a day. However, once he opens the door, he finds the actual head custodian, who is looking for his work outfit. Arty figures, "Hey, I strangled 2, so might as well take out another and prevent witnesses." At this point, Arty has killed 3 people, 2 of which will be noticed rather quickly due to their somewhat important positions. Arty never was really smart, which is probably why he's a hired hitman for $1.
4 days later, Arty is caught, and the local news covers everything, with the exception of Jonathan, who was never exposed, thanks to Arty's code of honor. However, the next morning, Jonathan opens up his local newspaper. His mouth is instantaneously agape at what he reads.
"Arty Chokes 3 for a Dollar at Local Wal-Mart This Weekend"
Vyktus ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:23:25 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
How to catch an elephant:
Dig a big hole, fill it with ashes, and put peas all around it....when the elephant comes to take a pea, kick him in the ash hole.
Sean71596 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:38:55 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Two muffins are in an oven.
One says to the other -- "Wow, it's sure getting hot in here"
The other one says "Aah! Talking muffin!"
help2ez ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:52:23 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Why do seagulls fly over the sea?
If they flew over the bay they would be bagels!
Dreamspitter ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 02:59:21 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
lmao
BimmerJustin ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:59:25 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
A man walks into a bar
His alcoholism is destroying his family
Mortimer452 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:59:30 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
What did one snowman say to the other?
"I smell carrots."
J0L0 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:01:12 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
What did zero say to eight?
Ooh, nice belt.
OS2REXX ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:01:24 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Thank you Joe McQ. & Charlie P.
So a duck walks into a grocery store and walks up to the produce man of whom he asks: "do you have any grapes?" The produce man says explains: "no, I'm sorry, grapes are out of season right now, we haven't any and won't for several months." The duck walks off. The next day, the same duck walks into the same store, walks up to the same produce man and asks: "do you have any grapes?" "No, like I told you yesterday," the produce man explains, "we haven't any and don't expect for a while." The duck walks off. Next day the same duck walks up to the same produce man and asks: "do you have any grapes?" The produce man is obviously sick of the duck and says: "no, we don't have any grapes and if you come in here again asking, I'm going to nail your feet to the floor!" The duck walks off. Next day, the same duck walks into the same store and asks the produce man "got any nails?" "Wha? No!" Duck: "GOT ANY GRAPES?"
RastaMcDouble ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:01:24 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)*
There once was a man, and everything he owned was pink and white. He had a pink and white car, a pink and white house, and a pink and white cat. His violin was pink and white, as was his piano and his skateboard. EVERYTHING he had in his house, even his clothes, were pink and white. One average night, the pink and white man decided to go to bed at his regular time. He went up the pink and white stairs, down the pink and white hall, and into his pink and white bedroom. He took off his pink and white slippers, put on his pink and white nightcap, climbed into his pink and white bed, pulled up the pink and white covers, and turned off the pink and white light. Then he fell asleep.
An hour later, the doorbell rang: "Pink and white! Pink and white!" So the pink and white man turned on the pink and white light, pushed down the pink and white covers, climbed out of his pink and white bed, took off his pink and white nightcap, put on his pink and white slippers, and left his pink and white bedroom. He went up the pink and white hall, down the pink and white stairs, and opened the pink and white front door. Standing outside was a man. "My car broke down half a mile down the road, and the tow truck can't come until eight tomorrow morning," the man said. "Can I stay here for the night?"
"Sure," said the pink and white man, "but you have to wear pink and white, and you have to sleep in the first bedroom on the left down that hallway."
"Okay," the man agreed.
So the man came in to spend the night, and the pink and white man closed the pink and white door, went up the pink and white stairs, down the pink and white hall, and into his pink and white bedroom. He took off his pink and white slippers, put on his pink and white nightcap, climbed into his pink and white bed, pulled up the pink and white covers, and turned off the pink and white light. Then he fell asleep.
An hour later, the doorbell rang: "Pink and white! Pink and white!" So the pink and white man turned on the pink and white light, pushed down the pink and white covers, climbed out of his pink and white bed, took off his pink and white nightcap, put on his pink and white slippers, and left his pink and white bedroom. He went up the pink and white hall, down the pink and white stairs, and opened the pink and white front door. Standing outside was a woman.
"My truck broke down a mile down the road, and the tow truck can't get here until nine tomorrow morning. Can I spend the night here?" she asked.
"Sure," said the pink and white man, "but you have to wear pink and white, and you have to sleep in the second bedroom on the left down that hallway."
"Okay," the woman agreed.
So the woman came in to spend the night, and the pink and white man closed the pink and white door, went up the pink and white stairs, down the pink and white hall, and into his pink and white bedroom. He took off his pink and white slippers, put on his pink and white nightcap, climbed into his pink and white bed, pulled up the pink and white covers, and turned off the pink and white light. Then he fell asleep.
An hour later, the doorbell rang: "Pink and white! Pink and white!" So the pink and white man turned on the pink and white light, pushed down the pink and white covers, climbed out of his pink and white bed, took off his pink and white nightcap, put on his pink and white slippers, and left his pink and white bedroom. He went up the pink and white hall, down the pink and white stairs, and opened the pink and white front door. Standing outside was another man.
"My car broke down a mile and a half down the road," he said, "and the tow truck can't get here until ten tomorrow morning. Can I stay here for the night?"
"Sure," said the pink and white man, "but you have to wear pink and white, and you have to sleep in the third bedroom on the left down that hallway."
"Okay," the man agreed.
So the man came in to spend the night, and the pink and white man closed the pinks and white door, LOCKED the pink and white door, went up the pink and white stairs, down the pink and white hall, and into his pink and white bedroom. He took off his pink and white slippers, put on his pink and white nightcap, climbed into his pink and white bed, pulled up the pink and white covers, and turned off the pink and white light. Then he fell asleep.
The next morning, he woke up and realized he had guests. Being the kind host he was, the pink and white man decided to get their breakfasts for them. So he pushed down the pink and white covers, climbed out of his pink and white bed, took off his pink and white nightcap, put on his pink and white slippers, and left his pink and white bedroom. He went up the pink and white hall, down the pink and white stairs, and yelled down the other pink and white hall, "Breakfast in five minutes!" He went into the pink and white kitchen, opened the pink and white cupboards, and took out pink and white bowls and pink and white spoons.
The first man came into the kitchen. A minute later, the second man came into the kitchen. A few minutes after that, the woman came into the kitchen, and they all sat down on the pink and white chairs at the pink and white table. "I have Rice Krispies and Cornflakes," the pink and white man said. "What do you want?"
"I'll have Rice Krispies," the first man answered.
"I'll have Rice Krispies too," said the woman.
"I'll have Corn Flakes," replied the other man.
And the moral of the story is.........
2 out of 3 people prefer Rice Krispies to Corn Flakes!
JCWCOPG ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 03:11:08 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I just read this whole thing. fuck u
RastaMcDouble ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:25:52 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
( อกยฐ อส อกยฐ)
Jerry2die4 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:06:52 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Two fish are in a tank. One turns to the other and says "you man the gun, I'll drive.
clawedbuffalo ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:11:57 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
What's brown and sticky? A stick
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:27:23 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
[deleted]
Darin10 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:33:34 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
That's not G-rated :(
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:36:04 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
[deleted]
crispybutthole ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:57:56 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Aw, you guys are right. I just got so excited to share my bunny jokes.. I bring shame to my family
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:31:34 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)*
[deleted]
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:51:48 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
[deleted]
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 04:07:02 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)*
[deleted]
ShazzyBear ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:32:11 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Why did the koala fall out of the tree?
Because it was dead.
Kalepsis ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 04:03:19 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
What's red and smells like blue paint?
Red paint.
Tenortayloe ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 04:43:41 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Knock knock?
Who's there?
Smell mop
Smell mop who
kpatable ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 04:58:06 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Why did I need to say that outloud to get it? I am naive.
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 04:57:39 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
The one involving my dad's penis
gaynerd27 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:01:14 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Q. What's the difference between a duck?
A. One of it's legs is both the same!
(Nobody said it had to make sense)
wowthisguyoverhere ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:41:09 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
What type of cheese isn't yours? -Nachofuckingcheese!!
scottyrobotty ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 06:15:31 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Some muffins are sitting in the oven. One turns to the other and says "do you think it's getting hot in here?"
He shouts "Holy smokes, a talking muffin!"
trackandsnow ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 06:27:10 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
What do you call cheese that is not yours? Nacho cheese.
KnobbsNoise ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 09:31:07 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Why did the frog cross the road?
He was stapled to the chicken.
RomanticPanic ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 14:22:54 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
How many tickles does it take to make an octopus laugh?
Ten
OBEYthemCHILDREN ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:56:13 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
two muffins are sitting in an oven. one muffin looks to the other and says,"Man, is it ever hot in here" the other one looks over and says,"HOLY COW! A TALKING MUFFIN!"
oldmermen ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 15:09:50 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I laugh at G-rated dank memes.
thudly ยท -8 points ยท Posted at 20:02:45 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
So this 18-year-old blonde and her boyfriend were gonna try anal for the first time. The guy says, "Wait. I don't have any lube." And the blonde says...
Oh. G-rated jokes. Sorry.
Dastardlydoom ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 17:09:14 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
knock, knock who's there banana banana who knock knock who' there banana banana who knock knock who's there orange orange who orange you glad i didn't say banana
Unit88 ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 17:13:12 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
https://youtu.be/hTR2tVr2a6A
Daisee420 ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 17:42:22 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Tissue? I don't even know you
ilovemybeard81 ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 17:49:07 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I work at a school so when some says they have recess or lunch duty I giggle cause they said "duty".
macaroniinapan ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:54:18 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Settle down, Beavis.
macaroniinapan ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 17:49:23 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
This is more like a riddle, I guess, but anyway...
Want to hear a dirty joke? The kid fell in the mud. Want to hear a clean joke? He took a shower.
macaroniinapan ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 17:50:19 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Two guys walked into a bar.
The third ducked.
Qu4ttro87 ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 19:32:21 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
What's brown and sticky? A stick.
pleasedothenerdful ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:28:25 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
You're the 40th one.
Yoloswaggins4200 ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 20:32:16 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
2 peanuts walk into a bar,one was a"salted"
Eh......get it ,assualted.....proceedes to throw the ole 1,2
bugo1102 ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 20:38:05 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
what do you call something brown and sticky- a stick what do you call something red and sticky- the same bloody stick
chinmakes5 ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 20:47:58 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Did you hear Tony the Tiger was murdered? Cereal killer
SamWise050 ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 20:54:46 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
What's the difference between Dubai and Abu Dhabi?
7Finger ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 21:26:14 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
How do you get down off an elephant?
You don't, you get down off a duck.
06Layf90 ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 21:40:38 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Updog
WeaponsGradeHumanity ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 21:49:52 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
So, thereโs a man crawling through the desert.
Heโd decided to try his SUV in a little bit of cross-country travel, had great fun zooming over the badlands and through the sand, got lost, hit a big rock, and then he couldnโt get it started again. There were no cell phone towers anywhere near, so his cell phone was useless. He had no family, his parents had died a few years before in an auto accident, and his few friends had no idea he was out here.
He stayed with the car for a day or so, but his one bottle of water ran out and he was getting thirsty. He thought maybe he knew the direction back, now that heโd paid attention to the sun and thought heโd figured out which way was north, so he decided to start walking. He figured he only had to go about 30 miles or so and heโd be back to the small town heโd gotten gas in last.
He thinks about walking at night to avoid the heat and sun, but based upon how dark it actually was the night before, and given that he has no flashlight, heโs afraid that heโll break a leg or step on a rattlesnake. So, he puts on some sun block, puts the rest in his pocket for reapplication later, brings an umbrella heโd had in the back of the SUV with him to give him a little shade, pours the windshield wiper fluid into his water bottle in case he gets that desperate, brings his pocket knife in case he finds a cactus that looks like it might have water in it, and heads out in the direction he thinks is right.
He walks for the entire day. By the end of the day heโs really thirsty. Heโs been sweating all day, and his lips are starting to crack. Heโs reapplied the sunblock twice, and tried to stay under the umbrella, but he still feels sunburned. The windshield wiper fluid sloshing in the bottle in his pocket is really getting tempting now. He knows that itโs mainly water and some ethanol and coloring, but he also knows that they add some kind of poison to it to keep people from drinking it. He wonders what the poison is, and whether the poison would be worse than dying of thirst.
He pushes on, trying to get to that small town before dark.
By the end of the day he starts getting worried. He figures heโs been walking at least 3 miles an hour, according to his watch for over 10 hours. That means that if his estimate was right that he should be close to the town. But he doesnโt recognize any of this. He had to cross a dry creek bed a mile or two back, and he doesnโt remember coming through it in the SUV. He figures that maybe he got his direction off just a little and that the dry creek bed was just off to one side of his path. He tells himself that heโs close, and that after dark heโll start seeing the town lights over one of these hills, and thatโll be all he needs.
As it gets dim enough that he starts stumbling over small rocks and things, he finds a spot and sits down to wait for full dark and the town lights.
Full dark comes before he knows it. He must have dozed off. He stands back up and turns all the way around. He sees nothing but stars.
He wakes up the next morning feeling absolutely lousy. His eyes are gummy and his mouth and nose feel like theyโre full of sand. He so thirsty that he canโt even swallow. He barely got any sleep because it was so cold. Heโd forgotten how cold it got at night in the desert and hadnโt noticed it the night before because heโd been in his car.
He knows the Rule of Threes โ three minutes without air, three days without water, three weeks without food โ then you die. Some people can make it a little longer, in the best situations. But the desert heat and having to walk and sweat isnโt the best situation to be without water. He figures, unless he finds water, this is his last day.
He rinses his mouth out with a little of the windshield wiper fluid. He waits a while after spitting that little bit out, to see if his mouth goes numb, or he feels dizzy or something. Has his mouth gone numb? Is it just in his mind? Heโs not sure. Heโll go a little farther, and if he still doesnโt find water, heโll try drinking some of the fluid.
Then he has to face his next, harder question โ which way does he go from here? Does he keep walking the same way he was yesterday (assuming that he still knows which way that is), or does he try a new direction? He has no idea what to do.
Looking at the hills and dunes around him, he thinks he knows the direction he was heading before. Just going by a feeling, he points himself somewhat to the left of that, and starts walking.
As he walks, the day starts heating up. The desert, too cold just a couple of hours before, soon becomes an oven again. He sweats a little at first, and then stops. He starts getting worried at that โ when you stop sweating he knows that means youโre in trouble โ usually right before heat stroke.
He decides that itโs time to try the windshield wiper fluid. He canโt wait any longer โ if he passes out, heโs dead. He stops in the shade of a large rock, takes the bottle out, opens it, and takes a mouthful. He slowly swallows it, making it last as long as he can. It feels so good in his dry and cracked throat that he doesnโt even care about the nasty taste. He takes another mouthful, and makes it last too. Slowly, he drinks half the bottle.
He figures that since heโs drinking it, he might as well drink enough to make some difference and keep himself from passing out.
Heโs quit worrying about the denaturing of the wiper fluid. If it kills him, it kills him โ if he didnโt drink it, heโd die anyway. Besides, heโs pretty sure that whatever substance they denature the fluid with is just designed to make you sick โ their way of keeping winos from buying cheap wiper fluid for the ethanol content. He can handle throwing up, if it comes to that.
He walks. He walks in the hot, dry, windless desert. Sand, rocks, hills, dunes, the occasional scrawny cactus or dried bush. No sign of water. Sometimes heโll see a little movement to one side or the other, but whatever moved is usually gone before he can focus his eyes on it. Probably birds, lizards, or mice. Maybe snakes, though they usually move more at night. Heโs careful to stay away from the movements. After a while, he begins to stagger. Heโs not sure if itโs fatigue, heat stroke finally catching him, or maybe he was wrong and the denaturing of the wiper fluid was worse than he thought. He tries to steady himself, and keep going.
After more walking, he comes to a large stretch of sand. This is good! He knows he passed over a stretch of sand in the SUV โ he remembers doing donuts in it. Or at least he thinks he remembers it โ heโs getting woozy enough and tired enough that heโs not sure what he remembers any more or if heโs hallucinating. But he thinks he remembers it. So he heads off into it, trying to get to the other side, hoping that it gets him closer to the town.
He was heading for a town, wasnโt he? He thinks he was. He isnโt sure any more. Heโs not even sure how long heโs been walking any more. Is it still morning? Or has it moved into afternoon and the sun is going down again? It must be afternoon โ it seems like itโs been too long since he started out. He walks through the sand.
WeaponsGradeHumanity ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 21:50:22 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
After a while, he comes to a big dune in the sand. This is bad. He doesnโt remember any dunes when driving over the sand in his SUV. Or at least he doesnโt think he remembers any. This is bad.
But, he has no other direction to go. Too late to turn back now. He figures that heโll get to the top of the dune and see if he can see anything from there that helps him find the town. He keeps going up the dune. Halfway up, he slips in the bad footing of the sand for the second or third time, and falls to his knees. He doesnโt feel like getting back up โ heโll just fall down again. So, he keeps going up the dune on his hand and knees.
While crawling, if his throat werenโt so dry, heโd laugh. Heโs finally gotten to the hackneyed image of a man lost in the desert โ crawling through the sand on his hands and knees. If would be the perfect image, he imagines, if only his clothes were more ragged. The people crawling through the desert in the cartoons always had ragged clothes. But his have lasted without any rips so far. Somebody will probably find his dessicated corpse half buried in the sand years from now, and his clothes will still be in fine shape -shake the sand out, and a good wash, and theyโd be wearable again. He wishes his throat were wet enough to laugh. He coughs a little instead, and it hurts.
He finally makes it to the top of the sand dune. Now that heโs at the top, he struggles a little, but manages to stand up and look around. All he sees is sand. Sand, and more sand. Behind him, about a mile away, he thinks he sees the rocky ground he left to head into this sand. Ahead of him, more dunes, more sand. This isnโt where he drove his SUV. This is Hell. Or close enough.
Again, he doesnโt know what to do. He decides to drink the rest of the wiper fluid while figuring it out. He takes out the bottle, and is removing the cap, when he glances to the side and sees something. Something in the sand. At the bottom of the dune, off to the side, he sees something strange. Itโs a flat area, in the sand. He stops taking the cap of the bottle off, and tries to look closer. The area seems to be circular. And itโs dark โ darker than the sand. And, there seems to be something in the middle of it, but he canโt tell what it is. He looks as hard as he can, and still can tell from here. Heโs going to have to go down there and look.
He puts the bottle back in his pocket, and starts to stumble down the dune. After a few steps, he realizes that heโs in trouble โ heโs not going to be able to keep his balance. After a couple of more sliding, tottering steps, he falls and starts to roll down the dune. The sand it so hot when his body hits it that for a minute he thinks heโs caught fire on the way down โ like a movie car wreck flashing into flames as it goes over the cliff, before it ever even hits the ground. He closes his eyes and mouth, covers his face with his hands, and waits to stop rolling.
He stops, at the bottom of the dune. After a minute or two, he finds enough energy to try to sit up and get the sand out of his face and clothes. When he clears his eyes enough, he looks around to make sure that the dark spot in the sand it still there and he hadnโt just imagined it.
So, seeing the large, flat, dark spot on the sand is still there, he begins to crawl towards it. Heโd get up and walk towards it, but he doesnโt seem to have the energy to get up and walk right now. He must be in the final stages of dehydration he figures, as he crawls. If this place in the sand doesnโt have water, heโll likely never make it anywhere else. This is his last chance.
He gets closer and closer, but still canโt see whatโs in the middle of the dark area. His eyes wonโt quite focus any more for some reason. And lifting his head up to look takes so much effort that he gives up trying. He just keeps crawling.
Finally, he reaches the area heโd seen from the dune. It takes him a minute of crawling on it before he realizes that heโs no longer on sand โ heโs now crawling on some kind of dark stone. Stone with some kind of marking on it -a pattern cut into the stone. Heโs too tired to stand up and try to see what the pattern is โ so he just keeps crawling. He crawls towards the center, where his blurry eyes still see something in the middle of the dark stone area.
His mind, detached in a strange way, notes that either his hands and knees are so burnt by the sand that they no longer feel pain, or that this dark stone, in the middle of a burning desert with a pounding, punishing sun overhead, doesnโt seem to be hot. It almost feels cool. He considers lying down on the nice cool surface. Cool, dark stone. Not a good sign. He must be hallucinating this. Heโs probably in the middle of a patch of sand, already lying face down and dying, and just imagining this whole thing. A desert mirage. Soon the beautiful women carrying pitchers of water will come up and start giving him a drink. Then heโll know heโs gone.
He decides against laying down on the cool stone. If heโs going to die here in the middle of this hallucination, he at least wants to see whatโs in the center before he goes. He keeps crawling.
Itโs the third time that he hears the voice before he realizes what heโs hearing. He would swear that someone just said, โGreetings, traveler. You do not look well. Do you hear me?โ
He stops crawling. He tries to look up from where he is on his hands and knees, but itโs too much effort to lift his head. So he tries something different โ he leans back and tries to sit up on the stone. After a few seconds, he catches his balance, avoids falling on his face, sits up, and tries to focus his eyes. Blurry. He rubs his eyes with the back of his hands and tries again. Better this time.
Yep. He can see. Heโs sitting in the middle of a large, flat, dark expanse of stone. Directly next to him, about three feet away, is a white post or pole about two inches in diameter and sticking up about four or five feet out of the stone, at an angle.
And wrapped around this white rod, tail with rattle on it hovering and seeming to be ready to start rattling, is what must be a fifteen foot long desert diamondback rattlesnake, looking directly at him.
WeaponsGradeHumanity ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 21:51:06 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
He stares at the snake in shock. He doesnโt have the energy to get up and run away. He doesnโt even have the energy to crawl away. This is it, his final resting place. No matter what happens, heโs not going to be able to move from this spot.
Well, at least dying of a bite from this monster should be quicker than dying of thirst. Heโll face his end like a man. He struggles to sit up a little straighter. The snake keeps watching him. He lifts one hand and waves it in the snakeโs direction, feebly. The snake watches the hand for a moment, then goes back to watching the man, looking into his eyes.
Hmmm. Maybe the snake had no interest in biting him? It hadnโt rattled yet -that was a good sign. Maybe he wasnโt going to die of snake bite after all.
He then remembers that heโd looked up when heโd reached the center here because he thought heโd heard a voice. He was still very woozy โ he was likely to pass out soon, the sun still beat down on him even though he was now on cool stone. He still didnโt have anything to drink. But maybe he had actually heard a voice. This stone didnโt look natural. Nor did that white post sticking up out of the stone. Someone had to have built this. Maybe they were still nearby. Maybe that was who talked to him. Maybe this snake was even their pet, and thatโs why it wasnโt biting.
He tries to clear his throat to say, โHello,โ but his throat is too dry. All that comes out is a coughing or wheezing sound. There is no way heโs going to be able to talk without something to drink. He feels his pocket, and the bottle with the wiper fluid is still there. He shakily pulls the bottle out, almost losing his balance and falling on his back in the process. This isnโt good. He doesnโt have much time left, by his reckoning, before he passes out.
He gets the lid off of the bottle, manages to get the bottle to his lips, and pours some of the fluid into his mouth. He sloshes it around, and then swallows it. He coughs a little. His throat feels better. Maybe he can talk now.
He tries again. Ignoring the snake, he turns to look around him, hoping to spot the owner of this place, and croaks out, โHello? Is there anyone here?โ
He hears, from his side, โGreetings. What is it that you want?โ
He turns his head, back towards the snake. Thatโs where the sound had seemed to come from. The only thing he can think of is that there must be a speaker, hidden under the snake, or maybe built into that post. He decides to try asking for help.
โPlease,โ he croaks again, suddenly feeling dizzy, โIโd love to not be thirsty any more. Iโve been a long time without water. Can you help me?โ
Looking in the direction of the snake, hoping to see where the voice was coming from this time, he is shocked to see the snake rear back, open its mouth, and speak. He hears it say, as the dizziness overtakes him and he falls forward, face first on the stone, โVery well. Coming up.โ
A piercing pain shoots through his shoulder. Suddenly he is awake. He sits up and grabs his shoulder, wincing at the throbbing pain. Heโs momentarily disoriented as he looks around, and then he remembers โ the crawl across the sand, the dark area of stone, the snake. He sees the snake, still wrapped around the tilted white post, still looking at him.
He reaches up and feels his shoulder, where it hurts. It feels slightly wet. He pulls his fingers away and looks at them โ blood. He feels his shoulder again โ his shirt has what feels like two holes in it โ two puncture holes -they match up with the two aching spots of pain on his shoulder. He had been bitten. By the snake. โItโll feel better in a minute.โ He looks up โ itโs the snake talking. He hadnโt dreamed it. Suddenly he notices โ heโs not dizzy any more. And more importantly, heโs not thirsty any more โ at all!
โHave I died? Is this the afterlife? Why are you biting me in the afterlife?โ
โSorry about that, but I had to bite you,โ says the snake. โThatโs the way I work. It all comes through the bite. Think of it as natural medicine.โ
โYou bit me to help me? Why arenโt I thirsty any more? Did you give me a drink before you bit me? How did I drink enough while unconscious to not be thirsty any more? I havenโt had a drink for over two days. Well, except for the windshield wiper fluidโฆ hold it, how in the world does a snake talk? Are you real? Are you some sort of Disney animation?โ
โNo,โ says the snake, โIโm real. As real as you or anyone is, anyway. I didnโt give you a drink. I bit you. Thatโs how it works โ itโs what I do. I bite. I donโt have hands to give you a drink, even if I had water just sitting around here.โ
The man sat stunned for a minute. Here he was, sitting in the middle of the desert on some strange stone that should be hot but wasnโt, talking to a snake that could talk back and had just bitten him. And he felt better. Not great โ he was still starving and exhausted, but much better โ he was no longer thirsty. He had started to sweat again, but only slightly. He felt hot, in this sun, but it was starting to get lower in the sky, and the cool stone beneath him was a relief he could notice now that he was no longer dying of thirst.
โI might suggest that we take care of that methanol you now have in your system with the next request,โ continued the snake. โI can guess why you drank it, but Iโm not sure how much you drank, or how much methanol was left in the wiper fluid. That stuff is nasty. Itโll make you go blind in a day or two, if you drank enough of it.โ
โUmmm, n-next request?โ said the man. He put his hand back on his hurting shoulder and backed away from the snake a little.
โThatโs the way it works. If you like, that is,โ explained the snake. โYou get three requests. Call them wishes, if you wish.โ The snake grinned at his own joke, and the man drew back a little further from the show of fangs. โBut there are rules,โ the snake continued. โThe first request is free. The second requires an agreement of secrecy. The third requires the binding of responsibility.โ The snake looks at the man seriously.
โBy the way,โ the snake says suddenly, โmy name is Nathan. Old Nathan, Samuel used to call me. He gave me the name. Before that, most of the Bound used to just call me โSnakeโ. But that got old, and Samuel wouldnโt stand for it. He said that anything that could talk needed a name. He was big into names. You can call me Nate, if you wish.โ Again, the snake grinned. โSorry if I donโt offer to shake, but I think you can understand โ my shake sounds somewhat threatening.โ The snake give his rattle a little shake. โUmm, my name is Jack,โ said the man, trying to absorb all of this. โJack Samson."
โCan I ask you a question?โ Jack says suddenly. โWhat happened to the poisonโฆumm, in your bite. Why arenโt I dying now? How did you do that? What do you mean by thatโs how you work?โ
โThatโs more than one question,โ grins Nate. โBut Iโll still try to answer all of them. First, yes, you can ask me a question.โ The snakeโs grin gets wider. โSecond, the poison is in you. It changed you. You now no longer need to drink. Thatโs what you asked for. Or, well, technically, you asked to not be thirsty any more โ but โany moreโ is such a vague term. I decided to make it permanent โ now, as long as you live, you shouldnโt need to drink much at all. Your body will conserve water very efficiently. You should be able to get enough just from the food you eat โ much like a creature of the desert. Youโve been changed.
โFor the third question,โ Nate continues, โyou are still dying. Besides the effects of that methanol in your system, youโre a man โ and men are mortal. In your current state, I give you no more than about another 50 years. Assuming you get out of this desert, alive, that is.โ Nate seemed vastly amused at his own humor, and continued his wide grin.
โAs for the fourth question,โ Nate said, looking more serious as far as Jack could tell, as Jack was just now working on his ability to read talking-snake emotions from snake facial features, โfirst you have to agree to make a second request and become bound by the secrecy, or I canโt tell you.โ
โWait,โ joked Jack, โisnโt this where you say you could tell me, but youโd have to kill me?โ
โI thought that was implied.โ Nate continued to look serious.
WeaponsGradeHumanity ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 21:51:43 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
โUmmmโฆyeah.โ Jack leaned back a little as he remembered again that he was talking to a fifteen foot poisonous reptile with a reputation for having a nasty temper. โSo, what is this โBound by Secrecyโ stuff, and can you really stop the effects of the methanol?โ Jack thought for a second. โAnd, what do you mean methanol, anyway? I thought these days they use ethanol in wiper fluid, and just denature it?โ
โThey may, I donโt really know,โ said Nate. โI havenโt gotten out in a while. Maybe they do. All I know is that I smell methanol on your breath and on that bottle in your pocket. And the blue color of the liquid when you pulled it out to drink some let me guess that it was wiper fluid. I assume that they still color wiper fluid blue?โ โYeah, they do,โ said Jack.
โI figured,โ replied Nate. โAs for being bound by secrecy โ with the fulfillment of your next request, you will be bound to say nothing about me, this place, or any of the information I will tell you after that, when you decide to go back out to your kind. You wonโt be allowed to talk about me, write about me, use sign language, charades, or even act in a way that will lead someone to guess correctly about me. Youโll be bound to secrecy. Of course, Iโll also ask you to promise not to give me away, and as Iโm guessing that youโre a man of your word, youโll never test the binding anyway, so you wonโt notice.โ Nate said the last part with utter confidence.
Jack, who had always prided himself on being a man of his word, felt a little nervous at this. โUmmm, hey, Nate, who are you? How did you know that? Are you, umm, omniscient, or something?โ
Well, Jack,โ said Nate sadly, โI canโt tell you that, unless you make the second request.โ Nate looked away for a minute, then looked back.
โUmm, well, ok,โ said Jack, โwhat is this about a second request? What can I ask for? Are you allowed to tell me that?โ
โSure!โ said Nate, brightening. โYouโre allowed to ask for changes. Changes to yourself. Theyโre like wishes, but they can only affect you. Oh, and before you ask, I canโt give you immortality. Or omniscience. Or omnipresence, for that matter. Though I might be able to make you gaseous and yet remain alive, and then you could spread through the atmosphere and sort of be omnipresent. But what good would that be โ you still wouldnโt be omniscient and thus still could only focus on one thing at a time. Not very useful, at least in my opinion.โ Nate stopped when he realized that Jack was staring at him.
โWell, anyway,โ continued Nate, โIโd probably suggest giving you permanent good health. It would negate the methanol now in your system, youโd be immune to most poisons and diseases, and youโd tend to live a very long time, barring accident, of course. And youโll even have a tendency to recover from accidents well. It always seemed like a good choice for a request to me.โ
โCure the methanol poisoning, huh?โ said Jack. โAnd keep me healthy for a long time? Hmmm. It doesnโt sound bad at that. And it has to be a request about a change to me? I canโt ask to be rich, right? Because thatโs not really a change to me?โ
โRight,โ nodded Nate.
โCould I ask to be a genius and permanently healthy?โ Jack asked, hopefully.
โThat takes two requests, Jack.โ
โYeah, I figured so,โ said Jack. โBut I could ask to be a genius? I could become the smartest scientist in the world? Or the best athlete?โ
โWell, I could make you very smart,โ admitted Nate, โbut that wouldnโt necessarily make you the best scientist in the world. Or, I could make you very athletic, but it wouldnโt necessarily make you the best athlete either. Youโve heard the saying that 99% of genius is hard work? Well, thereโs some truth to that. I can give you the talent, but I canโt make you work hard. It all depends on what you decide to do with it.โ โHmmm,โ said Jack. โOk, I think I understand. And I get a third request, after this one?โ
โMaybe,โ said Nate, โit depends on what you decide then. There are more rules for the third request that I can only tell you about after the second request. You know how it goes.โ Nate looked like heโd shrug, if he had shoulders.
โOk, well, since Iโd rather not be blind in a day or two, and permanent health doesnโt sound bad, then consider that my second request. Officially. Do I need to sign in blood or something?โ
โNo,โ said Nate. โJust hold out your hand. Or heel.โ Nate grinned. โOr whatever part you want me to bite. I have to bite you again. Like I said, thatโs how it works โ the poison, you know,โ Nate said apologetically. Jack winced a little and felt his shoulder, where the last bite was. Hey, it didnโt hurt any more. Just like Nate had said. That made Jack feel better about the biting business. But still, standing still while a fifteen foot snake sunk itโs fangs into you. Jack stood up. Ignoring how good it felt to be able to stand again, and the hunger starting to gnaw at his stomach, Jack tried to decide where he wanted to get bitten. Despite knowing that it wouldnโt hurt for long, Jack knew that this wasnโt going to be easy.
WeaponsGradeHumanity ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 21:51:59 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
โHey, Jack,โ Nate suddenly said, looking past Jack towards the dunes behind him, โis that someone else coming up over there?โ
Jack spun around and looked. Who else could be out here in the middle of nowhere? And did they bring food? Wait a minute, there was nobody over there. What was Nateโฆ
Jack let out a bellow as he felt two fangs sink into his rear end, through his jeansโฆ
Jack sat down carefully, favoring his more tender buttock. โI would have decided, eventually, Nate. I was just thinking about it. You didnโt have to hoodwink me like that.โ
โIโve been doing this a long time, Jack,โ said Nate, confidently. โYou humans have a hard time sitting still and letting a snake bite you โ especially one my size. And besides, admit it โ itโs only been a couple of minutes and it already doesnโt hurt any more, does it? Thatโs because of the health benefit with this one. I told you that youโd heal quickly now.โ
โYeah, well, still,โ said Jack, โitโs the principle of the thing. And nobody likes being bitten in the butt! Couldnโt you have gotten my calf or something instead?โ
โMore meat in the typical human butt,โ replied Nate. โAnd less chance you accidentally kick me or move at the last second.โ
โYeah, right. So, tell me all of these wonderful secrets that I now qualify to hear,โ answered Jack.
โOk,โ said Nate. โDo you want to ask questions first, or do you want me to just start talking?โ
โJust talk,โ said Jack. โIโll sit here and try to not think about food.โ
โWe could go try to rustle up some food for you first, if you like,โ answered Nate.
โHey! You didnโt tell me you had food around here, Nate!โ Jack jumped up. โWhat do we have? Am I in walking distance to town? Or can you magically whip up food along with your other powers?โ Jack was almost shouting with excitement. His stomach had been growling for hours.
โI was thinking more like I could flush something out of its hole and bite it for you, and you could skin it and eat it. Assuming you have a knife, that is,โ replied Nate, with the grin that Jack was starting to get used to. โUgh,โ said Jack, sitting back down. โI think Iโll pass. I can last a little longer before I get desperate enough to eat desert rat, or whatever else it is you find out here. And thereโs nothing to burn โ Iโd have to eat it raw. No thanks. Just talk.โ
โOk,โ replied Nate, still grinning. โBut Iโd better hurry, before you start looking at me as food.
Nate reared back a little, looked around for a second, and then continued. โYou, Jack, are sitting in the middle of the Garden of Eden.โ
Jack looked around at the sand and dunes and then looked back at Nate sceptically.
โWell, thatโs the best I can figure it, anyway, Jack,โ said Nate. โStand up and look at the symbol on the rock here.โ Nate gestured around the dark stone they were both sitting on with his nose.
Jack stood up and looked. Carved into the stone in a bas-relief was a representation of a large tree. The angled-pole that Nate was wrapped around was coming out of the trunk of the tree, right below where the main branches left the truck to reach out across the stone. It was very well done โ it looked more like a tree had been reduced to almost two dimensions and embedded in the stone than it did like a carving.
Jack walked around and looked at the details in the fading light of the setting sun. He wished heโd looked at it while the sun was higher in the sky.
Wait! The sun was setting! That meant he was going to have to spend another night out here! Arrrgh!
Jack looked out across the desert for a little bit, and then came back and stood next to Nate. โIn all the excitement, I almost forgot, Nate,โ said Jack. โWhich way is it back to town? And how far? Iโm eventually going to have to head back โ Iโm not sure Iโll be able to survive by eating raw desert critters for long. And even if I can, Iโm not sure Iโll want to.โ
โItโs about 30 miles that way.โ Nate pointed, with the rattle on his tail this time. As far as Jack could tell, it was a direction at right angles to the way heโd been going when he was crawling here. โBut thatโs 30 miles by the way the crow flies. Itโs about 40 by the way a man walks. You should be able to do it in about half a day with your improved endurance, if you head out early tomorrow, Jack.โ
Jack looked out the way the snake had pointed for a few seconds more, and then sat back down. It was getting dark. Not much he could do about heading out right now. And besides, Nate was just about to get to the interesting stuff. โGarden of Eden? As best as you can figure it?โ
โWell, yeah, as best as I and Samuel could figure it anyway,โ said Nate. โHe figured that the story just got a little mixed up. You know, snake, in a โtreeโ, offering โtemptationsโ, making bargains. That kind stuff. But he could never quite figure out how the Hebrews found out about this spot from across the ocean. He worried about that for a while.โ
โGarden of Eden, hunh?โ said Jack. โHow long have you been here, Nate?โ
โNo idea, really,โ replied Nate. โA long time. It never occurred to me to count years, until recently, and by then, of course, it was too late. But I do remember when this whole place was green, so I figure itโs been thousands of years, at least.โ
โSo, are you the snake that tempted Eve?โ said Jack.
โBeats me,โ said Nate. โMaybe. I canโt remember if the first one of your kind that I talked to was female or not, and I never got a name, but it could have been. And I suppose she could have considered my offer to grant requests a โtemptationโ, though Iโve rarely had refusals.โ
โWell, umm, how did you get here then? And why is that white pole stuck out of the stone there?โ asked Jack.
โDad left me here. Or, I assume it was my dad. It was another snake โ much bigger than I was back then. I remember talking to him, but I donโt remember if it was in a language, or just kind of understanding what he wanted. But one day, he brought me to this stone, told me about it, and asked me to do something for him. I talked it over with him for a while, then agreed. Iโve been here ever since.
โWhat is this place?โ said Jack. โAnd what did he ask you to do?โ
โWell, you see this pole here, sticking out of the stone?โ Nate loosened his coils around the tilted white pole and showed Jack where it descended into the stone. The pole was tilted at about a 45 degree angle and seemed to enter the stone in an eighteen inch slot cut into the stone. Jack leaned over and looked. The slot was dark and the pole went down into it as far as Jack could see in the dim light. Jack reached out to touch the pole, but Nate was suddenly there in the way.
โYou canโt touch that yet, Jack,โ said Nate.
โWhy not?โ asked Jack.
โI havenโt explained it to you yet,โ replied Nate.
โWell, it kinda looks like a lever or something,โ said Jack. โYouโd push it that way, and it would move in the slot.โ
โYep, thatโs what it is,โ replied Nate.
โWhat does it do?โ asked Jack. โEnd the world.โ
โOh, no,โ said Nate. โNothing that drastic. It just ends humanity. I call it โThe Lever of Doomโ.โ For the last few words Nate had used a deeper, ringing voice. He tried to look serious for a few seconds, and then gave up and grinned.
Jack was initially startled by Nateโs pronouncement, but when Nate grinned Jack laughed. โHa! You almost had me fooled for a second there. What does it really do?โ
โOh, it really ends humanity, like I said,โ smirked Nate. โI just thought the voice I used was funny, didnโt you?โ Nate continued to grin.
โA lever to end humanity?โ asked Jack. โWhat in the world is that for? Why would anyone need to end humanity?โ
โWell,โ replied Nate, โI get the idea that maybe humanity was an experiment. Or maybe the Big Guy just thought, that if humanity started going really bad, there should be a way to end it. Iโm not really sure. All I know are the rules, and the guesses that Samuel and I had about why itโs here. I didnโt think to ask back when I started here.โ
WeaponsGradeHumanity ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 21:52:57 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
โRules? What rules?โ asked Jack.
โThe rules are that I canโt tell anybody about it or let them touch it unless they agree to be bound to secrecy by a bite. And that only one human can be bound in that way at a time. Thatโs it.โ explained Nate.
Jack looked somewhat shocked. โYou mean that I could pull the lever now? Youโd let me end humanity?โ โYep,โ replied Nate, โif you want to.โ Nate looked at Jack carefully. โDo you want to, Jack?โ
โUmm, no.โ said Jack, stepping a little further back from the lever. โWhy in the world would anyone want to end humanity? Itโd take a psychotic to want that! Or worse, a suicidal psychotic, because it would kill him too, wouldnโt it?โ
โYep,โ replied Nate, โbeing as heโd be human too.โ
โHas anyone ever seriously considered it?โ asked Nate. โAny of those bound to secrecy, that is?โ
โWell, of course, I think theyโve all seriously considered it at one time or another. Being given that kind of responsibility makes you sit down and think, or so Iโm told. Samuel considered it several times. Heโd often get disgusted with humanity, come out here, and just hold the lever for a while. But he never pulled it. Or you wouldnโt be here.โ Nate grinned some more.
Jack sat down, well back from the lever. He looked thoughtful and puzzled at the same time. After a bit, he said, โSo this makes me the Judge of humanity? I get to decide whether they keep going or just end? Me?โ โThat seems to be it,โ agreed Nate.
โWhat kind of criteria do I use to decide?โ said Jack. โHow do I make this decision? Am I supposed to decide if theyโre good? Or too many of them are bad? Or that theyโre going the wrong way? Is there a set of rules for that?โ
โNope,โ replied Nate. โYou pretty much just have to decide on your own. Itโs up to you, however you want to decide it. I guess that youโre just supposed to know.โ
โBut what if I get mad at someone? Or some girl dumps me and I feel horrible? Couldnโt I make a mistake? How do I know that I wonโt screw up?โ protested Jack.
Nate gave his kind of snake-like shrug again. โYou donโt. You just have to try your best, Jack.โ
Jack sat there for a while, staring off into the desert that was rapidly getting dark, chewing on a fingernail. Suddenly, Jack turned around and looked at the snake. โNate, was Samuel the one bound to this before me?โ โYep,โ replied Nate. โHe was a good guy. Talked to me a lot. Taught me to read and brought me books. I think I still have a good pile of them buried in the sand around here somewhere. I still miss him. He died a few months ago.โ
โSounds like a good guy,โ agreed Jack. โHow did he handle this, when you first told him. What did he do?โ โWell,โ said Nate, โhe sat down for a while, thought about it for a bit, and then asked me some questions, much like youโre doing.โ
โWhat did he ask you, if youโre allowed to tell me?โ asked Jack.
โHe asked me about the third request,โ replied Nate.
โAha!โ It was Jackโs turn to grin. โAnd what did you tell him?โ
โI told him the rules for the third request. That to get the third request you have to agree to this whole thing. That if it ever comes to the point that you really think that humanity should be ended, that youโll come here and end it. You wonโt avoid it, and you wonโt wimp out.โ Nate looked serious again. โAnd youโll be bound to do it too, Jack.โ
โHmmm.โ Jack looked back out into the darkness for a while.
Nate watched him, waiting.
โNate,โ continued Jack, quietly, eventually. โWhat did Samuel ask for with his third request?โ
Nate sounded like he was grinning again as he replied, also quietly, โWisdom, Jack. He asked for wisdom. As much as I could give him.โ
โOk,โ said Jack, suddenly, standing up and facing away from Nate, โgive it to me."
Nate looked at Jackโs backside. โGive you what, Jack?โ
โGive me that wisdom. The same stuff that Samuel asked for. If it helped him, maybe itโll help me too.โ Jack turned his head to look back over his shoulder at Nate. โIt did help him, right?โ
โHe said it did,โ replied Nate. โBut he seemed a little quieter afterward. Like he had a lot to think about.โ
โWell, yeah, I can see that,โ said Jack. โSo, give it to me.โ Jack turned toface away from Nate again, bent over slightly and tensed up.
Nate watched Jack tense up with a little exasperation. If he bit Jack now, Jack would likely jump out of his skin and maybe hurt them both.
โYou remember that youโll be bound to destroy humanity if it ever looks like it needs it, right Jack?โ asked Nate, shifting position.
โYeah, yeah, I got that,โ replied Jack, eyes squeezed tightly shut and body tense, not noticing the change in direction of Nateโs voice.
โAnd,โ continued Nate, from his new position, โdo you remember that youโll turn bright purple, and grow big horns and extra eyes?โ
โYeah, yeahโฆHey, wait a minute!โ said Jack, opening his eyes, straightening up and turning around. โPurple?!โ He didnโt see Nate there. With the moonlight Jack could see that the lever extended up from its slot in the rock without the snake wrapped around it.
Jack heard, from behind him, Nateโs โJust Kidding!โ right before he felt the now familiar piercing pain, this time in the other buttock.
Jack sat on the edge of the dark stone in the rapidly cooling air, his feet extending out into the sand. He stared out into the darkness, listening to the wind stir the sand, occasionally rubbing his butt where heโd been recently bitten.
Nate had left for a little while, had come back with a desert-rodent-shaped bulge somewhere in his middle, and was now wrapped back around the lever, his tongue flicking out into the desert nightโs air the only sign that he was still awake.
Occasionally Jack, with his toes absentmindedly digging in the sand while he thought, would ask Nate a question without turning around.
โNate, do accidents count?โ
Nate lifted his head a little bit. โWhat do you mean, Jack?โ
Jack tilted his head back like he was looking at the stars. โYou know, accidents. If I accidentally fall on the lever, without meaning to, does that still wipe out humanity?โ
โYeah, Iโm pretty sure it does, Jack. Iโd suggest you be careful about that if you start feeling wobbly,โ said Nate with some amusement.
A little later โ โDoes it have to be me that pulls the lever?โ asked Jack.
โThatโs the rule, Jack. Nobody else can pull it,โ answered Nate.
โNo,โ Jack shook his head, โI meant does it have to be my hand? Could I pull the lever with a rope tied around it? Or push it with a stick? Or throw a rock?โ
โYes, those should work,โ replied Nate. โThough Iโm not sure how complicated you could get. Samuel thought about trying to build some kind of remote control for it once, but gave it up. Everything heโd build would be gone by the next sunrise, if it was touching the stone, or over it. I told him that in the past others that had been bound had tried to bury the lever so they wouldnโt be tempted to pull it, but every time the stones or sand or whatever had disappeared.โ
โWow,โ said Jack, โCool.โ Jack leaned back until only his elbows kept him off of the stone and looked up into the sky.
โNate, how long did Samuel live? One of his wishes was for health too, right?โ asked Jack.
โYes,โ replied Nate, โit was. He lived 167 years, Jack.โ
โWow, 167 years. Thatโs almost 140 more years Iโll live if I live as long. Do you know what he died of, Nate?โ โHe died of getting tired of living, Jack,โ Nate said, sounding somewhat sad.
Jack turned his head to look at Nate in the starlight.
WeaponsGradeHumanity ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 21:53:30 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Nate looked back. โSamuel knew he wasnโt going to be able to stay in society. He figured that theyโd eventually see him still alive and start questioning it, so he decided that heโd have to disappear after a while. He faked his death once, but changed his mind โ he decided it was too early and he could stay for a little longer. He wasnโt very fond of mankind, but he liked the attention. Most of the time, anyway.
โHis daughter and then his wife dying almost did him in though. He didnโt stay in society much longer after that. He eventually came out here to spend time talking to me and thinking about pulling the lever. A few months ago he told me heโd had enough. It was his time.โ
โAnd then he just died?โ asked Jack.
Nate shook his head a little. โHe made his forth request, Jack. Thereโs only one thing you can ask for the fourth request. The last bite.
After a bit Nate continued, โHe told me that he was tired, that it was his time. He reassured me that someone new would show up soon, like they always had.
After another pause, Nate finished, โSamuelโs body disappeared off the stone with the sunrise.โ Jack lay back down and looked at the sky, leaving Nate alone with his memories. It was a long time until Jackโs breathing evened out into sleep.
Jack woke with the sunrise the next morning. He was a little chilled with the morning desert air, but overall was feeling pretty good. Well, except that his stomach was grumbling and he wasnโt willing to eat raw desert rat.
So, after getting directions to town from Nate, making sure he knew how to get back, and reassuring Nate that heโd be back soon, Jack started the long walk back to town. With his new health and Nateโs good directions, he made it back easily.
Jack caught a bus back to the city, and showed up for work the next day, little worse for the wear and with a story about getting lost in the desert and walking back out. Within a couple of days Jack had talked a friend with a tow truck into going back out into the desert with him to fetch the SUV. They found it after a couple of hours of searching and towed it back without incident. Jack was careful not to even look in the direction of Nateโs lever, though their path back didnโt come within sight of it.
Before the next weekend, Jack had gone to a couple of stores, including a book store, and had gotten his SUV back from the mechanic, with a warning to avoid any more joyriding in the desert. On Saturday, Jack headed back to see Nate.
Jack parked a little way out of the small town near Nate, loaded up his new backpack with camping gear and the things he was bringing for Nate, and then started walking. He figured that walking would leave the least trail, and he knew that while not many people camped in the desert, it wasnโt unheard of, and shouldnโt really raise suspicions.
Jack had brought more books for Nate โ recent books, magazines, newspapers. Some things that would catch Nate up with what was happening in the world, others that were just good books to read. He spent the weekend with Nate, and then headed out again, telling Nate that heโd be back again soon, but that he had things to do first.
Over four months later Jack was back to see Nate again. This time he brought a laptop with him โ a specially modified laptop. It had a solar recharger, special filters and seals to keep out the sand, a satellite link-up, and a special keyboard and joystick that Jack hoped that a fifteen-foot rattlesnake would be able to use. And, it had been hacked to not give out its location to the satellite.
After that Jack could e-mail Nate to keep in touch, but still visited him fairly regularly โ at least once or twice a year.
After the first year, Jack quit his job. For some reason, with the wisdom he โd been given, and the knowledge that he could live for over 150 years, working in a nine to five job for someone else didnโt seem that worthwhile any more. Jack went back to school.
Eventually, Jack started writing. Perhaps because of the wisdom, or perhaps because of his new perspective, he wrote well. People liked what he wrote, and he became well known for it. After a time, Jack bought an RV and started traveling around the country for book signings and readings.
But, he still remembered to drop by and visit Nate occasionally.
On one of the visits Nate seemed quieter than usual. Not that Nate had been a fountain of joy lately. Jackโs best guess was that Nate was still missing Samuel, and though Jack had tried, he still hadnโt been able to replace Samuel in Nateโs eyes. Nate had been getting quieter each visit. But on this visit Nate didnโt even speak when Jack walked up to the lever. He nodded at Jack, and then went back to staring into the desert. Jack, respecting Nateโs silence, sat down and waited.
After a few minutes, Nate spoke. โJack, I have someone to introduce you to.โ
Jack looked surprised. โSomeone to introduce me to?โ Jack looked around, and then looked carefully back at Nate. โThis something to do with the Big Guy?"
โNo, no,โ replied Nate. โThis is more personal. I want you to meet my son.โ Nate looked over at the nearest sand dune. โSammy!โ
Jack watched as a four foot long desert rattlesnake crawled from behind the dune and up to the stone base of the lever.
โYo, Jack,โ said the new, much smaller snake.
โYo, Sammyโ replied Jack. Jack looked at Nate. โNamed after Samuel, I assume?โ
Nate nodded. โJack, Iโve got a favor to ask you. Could you show Sammy around for me?โ Nate unwrapped himself from the lever and slithered over to the edge of the stone and looked across the sands. โWhen Samuel first told me about the world, and brought me books and pictures, I wished that I could go see it. I wanted to see the great forests, the canyons, the cities, even the other deserts, to see if they felt and smelled the same. I want my son to have that chance โ to see the world. Before he becomes bound here like I have been. โHeโs seen it in pictures, over the computer that you brought me. But I hear that itโs not the same. That being there is different. I want him to have that. Think you can do that for me, Jack?โ
Jack nodded. This was obviously very important to Nate, so Jack didnโt even joke about taking a talking rattlesnake out to see the world. โYeah, I can do that for you, Nate. Is that all you need?โ Jack could sense that was something more.
Nate looked at Sammy. Sammy looked back at Nate for a second and then said, โOh, yeah. Ummm, Iโve gotta go pack. Back in a little bit Jack. Nice to meet ya!โ Sammy slithered back over the dune and out of sight.
Nate watched Sammy disappear and then looked back at Jack. โJack, this is my first son. My first offspring through all the years. You donโt even want to know what it took for me to find a mate.โ Nate grinned to himself. โBut anyway, I had a son for a reason. Iโm tired. Iโm ready for it to be over. I needed a replacement.โ Jack considered this for a minute. โSo, youโre ready to come see the world, and you wanted him to watch the lever while you were gone?โ
Nate shook his head. โNo, Jack โ youโre a better guesser than that. Youโve already figured out โ Iโm bound here โ thereโs only one way for me to leave here. And Iโm ready. Itโs my time to die.โ
Jack looked more closely at Nate. He could tell Nate had thought about this โ probably for quite a while. Jack had trouble imagining what it would be like to be as old as Nate, but Jack could already tell that in another hundred or two hundred years, he might be getting tired of life himself. Jack could understand Samuelโs decision, and now Nateโs. So, all Jack said was, โWhat do you want me to do?โ
Nate nodded. โThanks, Jack. I only want two things. One โ show Sammy around the world โ let him get his fill of it, until heโs ready to come back here and take over. Two โ give me the fourth request.
โI canโt just decide to die, not any more than you can. I wonโt even die of old age like you eventually will, even though itโll be a long time from now. I need to be killed. Once Sammy is back here, ready to take over, Iโll be able to die. And I need you to kill me.
โIโve even thought about how. Poisons and other drugs wonโt work on me. And Iโve seen pictures of snakes that were shot โ some of them live for days, so thatโs out too. So, I want you to bring back a sword. Nate turned away to look back to the dune that Sammy had gone behind. โIโd say an axe, but thatโs somewhat undignified โ putting my head on the ground or a chopping block like that. No, I like a sword. A time-honored way of going out. A dignified way to die. And, most importantly, it should work, even on me. โYou willing to do that for me, Jack?โ Nate turned back to look at Jack.
โYeah, Nate,โ replied Jack solemnly, โI think I can handle that.โ
WeaponsGradeHumanity ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 21:53:52 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Nate nodded. โGood!โ He turned back toward the dune and shouted, โSammy! Jackโs about ready to leave!โ Then quietly, โThanks, Jack.โ
Jack didnโt have anything to say to that, so he waited for Sammy to make it back to the lever, nodded to him, nodded a final time to Nate, and then headed into the desert with Sammy following. Over the next several years Sammy and Jack kept in touch with Nate through e-mail as they went about their adventures. They made a goal of visiting every country in the world, and did a respectable job of it. Sammy had a natural gift for languages, as Jack expected he would, and even ended up acting as a translator for Jack in a few of the countries. Jack managed to keep the talking rattlesnake hidden, even so, and by the time they were nearing the end of their tour of countries, Sammy had only been spotted a few times. While there were several people that had seen enough to startle them greatly, nobody had enough evidence to prove anything, and while a few wild rumors and storied followed Jack and Sammy around, nothing ever hit the newspapers or the public in general.
When they finished the tour of countries, Jack suggested that they try some undersea diving. They did. And spelunking. They did that too. Sammy finally drew the line at visiting Antarctica. Heโd come to realize that Jack was stalling. After talking to his Dad about it over e-mail, he figured out that Jack probably didnโt want to have to kill Nate. Nate told Sammy that humans could be squeamish about killing friends and acquaintances. So, Sammy eventually put his tail down (as he didnโt have a foot) and told Jack that it was time โ he was ready to go back and take up his duties from his dad. Jack, delayed it a little more by insisting that they go back to Japan and buy an appropriate sword. He even stretched it a little more by getting lessons in how to use the sword. But, eventually, heโd learned as much as he was likely to without dedicating his life to it, and was definitely competent enough to take the head off of a snake. It was time to head back and see Nate. When they got back to the US, Jack got the old RV out of storage where he and Sammy had left it after their tour of the fifty states, he loaded up Sammy and the sword, and they headed for the desert.
When they got to the small town that Jack had been trying to find those years ago when heโd met Nate, Jack was in a funk. He didnโt really feel like walking all of the way out there. Not only that, but heโd forgotten to figure the travel time correctly, and it was late afternoon. Theyโd either have to spend the night in town and walk out tomorrow, or walk in the dark.
As Jack was afraid that if he waited one more night he might lose his resolve, he decided that heโd go ahead and drive the RV out there. It was only going to be this once, and Jack would go back and cover the tracks afterward. They ought to be able to make it out there by nightfall if they drove, and then they could get it over tonight.
Jack told Sammy to e-mail Nate that they were coming as he drove out of sight of the town on the road. They then pulled off the road and headed out into the desert.
Everything went well, until they got to the sand dunes. Jack had been nursing the RV along the whole time, over the rocks, through the creek beds, revving the engine the few times they almost got stuck. When they came to the dunes, Jack didnโt really think about it, he just downshifted and headed up the first one. By the third dune, Jack started to regret that heโd decided to try driving on the sand. The RV was fishtailling and losing traction. Jack was having to work it up each dune slowly and was trying to keep from losing control each time they came over the top and slid down the other side. Sammy had come up to sit in the passenger seat, coiled up and laughing at Jackโs driving.
As they came over the top of the fourth dune, the biggest one yet, Jack saw that this was the final dune โ the stone, the lever, and somewhere Nate, waited below. Jack put on the brakes, but heโd gone a little too far. The RV started slipping down the other side.
Jack tried turning the wheel, but he didnโt have enough traction. He pumped the brakes โ no response. They started sliding down the hill, faster and faster.
Jack felt a shock go through him as he suddenly realized that they were heading for the lever. He looked down โ the RV was directly on course for it. If Jack didnโt do something, the RV would hit it. He was about to end humanity.
Jack steered more frantically, trying to get traction. It still wasnโt working. The dune was too steep, and the sand too loose. In a split second, Jack realized that his only chance would be once he hit the stone around the lever โ he should have traction on the stone for just a second before he hit the lever โ he wouldnโt have time to stop, but he should be able to steer away.
Jack took a better grip on the steering wheel and tried to turn the RV a little bit โ every little bit would help. Heโd have to time his turn just right.
The RV got to the bottom of the dune, sliding at an amazing speed in the sand. Just before they reached the stone Jack looked across it to check that they were still heading for the lever. They were. But Jack noticed something else that he hadnโt seen from the top of the dune. Nate wasnโt wrapped around the lever. He was off to the side of the lever, but still on the stone, waiting for them. The problem was, he was waiting on the same side of the lever that Jack had picked to steer towards to avoid the lever. The RV was already starting to drift that way a little in its mad rush across the sand and there was no way that Jack was going to be able to go around the lever to the other side.
Jack had an instant of realization. He was either going to have to hit the lever, or run over Nate. He glanced over at Sammy and saw that Sammy realized the same thing.
WeaponsGradeHumanity ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 21:54:02 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Jack took a firmer grip on the steering wheel as the RV ran up on the stone. Shouting to Sammy as he pulled the steering wheel, โBETTER NATE THAN LEVER,โ he ran over the snake.
thecyberbob ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 21:51:52 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
2 sausages are sizzling in a frying pan. The first sausage goes: "Man.. Is IT hot in here." The second sausage looks over to the first and goes: "Oh my god a talking sausage."
keepokappakeepo ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 21:54:38 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
T
MechaRathalos ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 22:22:41 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Not my joke, but this gets a good laugh every time one of my friend group retells it (This is a maybe on the G-rating factor, as long as mentions of death without any description are acceptable.) I present...The Sauerkraut Joke:
A conductor of a train named Tom was driving his train one day when he became distracted by a gorgeous new train attendant. As a result, Tom crashed the train at the station, resulting in hundreds of lives lost.
Tom then went to court, he was sentenced to death by the electric chair.
The big day comes, and Tom is approached in his cell. The warden asks him what his last meal is going to be. "A big plate of Saurkraut" replies Tom. The warden scratches his head, but grants Tom his request. Tom devours the plate of sauerkraut ravenously, rubs his stomach, then agrees to go with the Warden.
Tom is strapped into the chair, the Warden throws the switch, and...nothing happens. He flips the switch a few times, but nothing happens. Tom is sent back to his cell to wait for another day while the warden has the chair repaired.
The next day, the warden comes into Tom's cell again. "What do you want for your last meal?" "A whole barrel of sauerkraut!" replies Tom. The warden scratches his head, but grants Tom's request. Tom devours the whole barrel, then follows the warden to the chair.
The warden throws the switch...but nothing happens. He checks the wires and the chair, but can't find anything wrong. Tom is sent back to his cell while the warden tries to fix the chair.
On the next day, the warden comes into Tom's cell again. "What do you want for your last meal?" "Two whole barrels of sauerkraut!" replies Tom. The warden scratches his head, but grants Tom's request. Tom devours the two barrels, then follows the warden to the chair.
Again, the warden throws the switch, and nothing happens. The chair repairman is in the room with the warden when this happens, but can find nothing wrong.
"Why isn't this work? He was supposed to be executed 2 days ago!" shouts the warden. "Well." replies the repairman, "I guess he's not a very good conductor."
small_trunks ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 22:39:30 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
What's green and swings from tree to tree?
Tarzan the snooker table.
herrhiskelig ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 22:50:03 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
my own stupid puns
Z0MBIEproof ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 23:22:51 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
What are the two sexiest farm animals?
-Brown Chicken Brown Cow
Stonar ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 23:39:00 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Two cows are sitting in a bathtub, taking a bath.
The first one says to the second "Hey, could you please pass the soap?"
The second one looks him dead in the eye, and says "No soap, radio!"
thosetwo ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 00:40:58 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I don't get this one at all...
ruhbuhjuh ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 23:39:35 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Once upon a time, in the purple kingdom of Purpalon, there lived a purple king. One purple day this purple King, who was purply named Purple Purple the fifth, called his purple son, the purple prince Purple Purple the sixth, over to his purple side.
"My purple son," the purple king said to purple prince Purple Purple the sixth, "in another purple kingdom a very short purple distance away there lives another purple king. This purple king has a purple princess that I think that you should marry. Here she is, the purple Princess Purplina Purple of Purplonia."
Purple prince Purple Purple the sixth, upon seeing the purple princess Purplina Purple of Purplonia, agreed to marry her. And so, one fine purple day, in the purple garden, Prince Purple Purple the sixth and stood by the purple altar and watched his purple bride-to-be, the purple princess Purplina Purple of Purplonia, march down the purple aisle wearing a purple wedding dress and carrying a bouquet of purple flowers. Just as the purple princess Purplina Purple of Purplonia reached the purple altar, however, an evil purple magician appeared and cast a purple spell on the purple princess. In a purply moment, the purple princess Purplina Purple of Purplonia had vanished.
"What have you done?" cried the purple prince Purple Purple the sixth.
"I have sent the purple princess Purplina Purple of Purplonia to a purple cave in the purple mountain Mount Purpletop. There, in her purple cave, she is guarded by the purple dragon Purplefang. The purple princess Purplina Purple of Purplonia is purply safe there, but the purple dragon Purplefang, will not let her rejoin the purple kingdoms of Purpalon and Purplonia."
"You are purply insane," the purple prince Purple Purple the sixth said to the Purple magician, but the purple magician had vanished.
"What are you going to do, my purple son?" the purple king Purple Purple the fifth of Purpalon asked his son, the purple prince Purple Purple the sixth.
"I am going to take my purple horse, Purple Lightning, and my purple sword, Purple Death, and go slay the purple dragon Purplefang and rescue the fair purple maiden the purple princess Purplina Purple of Purplonia."
"May the purple God speed you well on your purple journey," the purple king Purple Purple the fifth of Purpalon purply blessed his purple son, the purple prince Purple Purple the sixth. With that, the purple prince Purple Purple the sixth got his purple sword, Purple Death, and his purple horse, Purple Lightning, and rode off to the purple mountain of Mount Purpletop and the purple cave thereon, in which lived the purple dragon Purplefang and his purple prisoner the purple princess Purplina Purple of Purplonia.
The purple hero of this purple story, the purple prince Purple Purple the sixth of Purpalon, rode his purple horse Purple Lightning over many purple miles over many purple roads and through many purple fields. He crossed many purple streams and many purple mountains, though none of them were the purple mountain of Mount Purpletop and the purple cave thereon, in which lived the purple dragon Purplefang and his purple prisoner the purple princess Purplina Purple of Purplonia. When the purple prince Purple Purple the sixth crossed these purple mountains, he trudged his way through purple snow. Purple sand lined the purple deserts he crossed, and there was purple water in the purple oasises.
Eventually, the purple horse Purple Lightning got tired, so the purple prince Purple Purple the sixth carried his purple horse Purple Lightning over many purple miles over many purple roads and through many purple fields. He crossed many purple streams and many purple mountains, though none of them were the purple mountain of Mount Purpletop and the purple cave thereon, in which lived the purple dragon Purplefang and his purple prisoner the purple princess Purplina Purple of Purplonia. When the purple prince Purple Purple the sixth crossed these purple mountains, he trudged his way through purple snow. Purple sand lined the purple deserts he crossed, and there was purple water in the purple oasises.
Finally, the Purple prince Purple Purple the sixth reached the purple mountain Mount Purpletop. There, in a purple cave on top of the purple mountain, Prince Purple Purple the sixth of Purpalon could see the purple smoke from the purple dragon Purplefang who lived in the purple cave in which the purple princess Purplina Purple of Purplonia was a purple prisoner. Our purple hero, the purple prince Purple Purple the sixth of Purpalon, climbed the purple mountain Mount Purpletop and slew the purple dragon Purplefang as the purple beast slept purply. The purple prince Purple Purple the sixth of Purpalon rescued the purple princess Purplina Purple of Purplonia. But their purple adventures were not yet come to their purple close. They still had to get home purple and sound.
So...
The purple hero of this purple story, the purple prince Purple Purple the sixth of Purpalon, and the newly rescued purple heroine, the purple princess Purplina Purple of Purplonia, rode the purple horse Purple Lightning over many purple miles over many purple roads and through many purple fields. He crossed many purple streams and many purple mountains, though none of them were the same purple mountain of Mount Purpletop which in the purple cave thereon the purple prince Purple Purple the sixth slew the purple dragon Purplefang and rescued the purple prisoner the purple princess Purplina Purple of Purplonia. When the purple prince Purple Purple the sixth crossed these purple mountains, he trudged his way through purple snow. Purple sand lined the purple deserts he crossed, and there was purple water in the purple oasises.
Eventually, the purple horse Purple Lightning got tired, so the purple prince Purple Purple the sixth carried his purple horse Purple Lightning and the newly rescued purple heroine, the purple princess Purplina Purple of Purplonia, over many purple miles over many purple roads and through many purple fields. He crossed many purple streams and many purple mountains, though none of them were the same purple mountain of Mount Purpletop which in the purple cave thereon the purple prince Purple Purple the sixth slew the purple dragon Purplefang and rescued the purple prisoner the purple princess Purplina Purple of Purplonia. When the purple prince Purple Purple the sixth crossed these purple mountains, he trudged his way through purple snow. Purple sand lined the purple deserts he crossed, and there was purple water in the purple oasises.
Eventually, The purple hero of this purple story, the purple prince Purple Purple the sixth of Purpalon, got tired, so the newly rescued purple heroine, the purple princess Purplina Purple of Purplonia, carried the purple horse Purple Lightning and the purple prince Purple Purple the sixth of Purpalon over many purple miles over many purple roads and through many purple fields. She crossed many purple streams and many purple mountains, though none of them were the same purple mountain of Mount Purpletop which in the purple cave thereon the purple prince Purple Purple the sixth slew the purple dragon Purplefang and rescued the purple prisoner the purple princess Purplina Purple of Purplonia. When the purple prince Purple Purple the sixth crossed these purple mountains, he trudged his way through purple snow. Purple sand lined the purple deserts he crossed, and there was purple water in the purple oasises.
Purple alases and purple alaks, though, for it seems our purple heroes, the purple prince Purple Purple the sixth of Purpalon and the purple princess Purplina Purple of Purplonia got lost on their way home, for they wandered into the purple kingdom of an evil purple king, the evil purple king Purple Purponovov of Purplovia. This evil purple man had the purple heroes,the purple prince Purple Purple the sixth of Purpalon and the purple princess Purplina Purple of Purplonia, arrested and thrown into the purple dungeon. Just before the evil purple king Purple Purponovov of Purplovia threw them in, however, he said....
"Indigo."
DJ_Maxyyt ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 00:28:16 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
No
FkinSteve ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:39:55 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
that's retarded.
Screw_The_Driver ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 00:02:21 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
What's green and has wheels?
Grass, I lied about the wheels.
Antwon147 ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 00:05:12 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
What did Batman say to Robin before they got in the car?
Get in the car.
GenXHERETIC ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 00:05:31 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Where do pirates keep their buccaneers? Under their buckin' hats.
brooklyncrooklyn ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 00:16:47 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Kicking and Screaming.
MrGraeme ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 00:21:19 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Knock knock
Who's there?
Europe.
Europe who?
No, you're a poo!
BoonesFarmGrape ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 00:25:50 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
a girl walks into a bar and asks the bartender for a double entendre, so he gave it to her
robjporter ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:46:54 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I need help with this one
Electroguy ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:31:14 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
A double entendre is a phrase that has a simple or a dirty meaning. He gave it to her or.. he GAVE IT to her. Either way.. she got it.
FundiePwner ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 00:42:20 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Nice try, Mormons!
outerspaceblueberry ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 00:53:34 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Two muffins are in an oven. One muffin turns to the other muffin and says, "It's hot in here!" The other muffin says, "Aaahhh! A talking muffin!!"
ihateradiohead ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 01:00:32 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)*
A boy is sitting at the edge of a dock crying. Seeing the boy is in distress, a man walks over to him, and asks what's wrong. The boy says "My sandwich fell into the lake!" The man says, "Well, if you're crying, it must have been a good sandwich. What did it have? Mustard?" The boy says no. "Pickles and lettuce?" The boy says no again, crying harder. Finally, the man gives up and says "Well, what DID the sandwich have?" The boy responds with "my brother"
Edit: in case you didn't get it, the brother fell into the water while eating the sandwhich
overtoke ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 01:00:35 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Q:how do you keep a dog from humping your leg?
A:suck its dick
one of my favorite Gross jokes
WildCatWildCat ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 01:37:39 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
"Hey, Jimmy Fallon is funny."
[deleted] ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 01:53:30 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
what looks like blu tac, smells like blu tac, and tastes like blu tac but isn't blu tac?
smurf poo
otac0n ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 02:13:12 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
So, there's a man crawling through the desert.
He'd decided to try his SUV in a little bit of cross-country travel, had great fun zooming over the badlands and through the sand, got lost, hit a big rock, and then he couldn't get it started again. There were no cell phone towers anywhere near, so his cell phone was useless. He had no family, his parents had died a few years before in an auto accident, and his few friends had no idea he was out here.
He stayed with the car for a day or so, but his one bottle of water ran out and he was getting thirsty. He thought maybe he knew the direction back, now that he'd paid attention to the sun and thought he'd figured out which way was north, so he decided to start walking. He figured he only had to go about 30 miles or so and he'd be back to the small town he'd gotten gas in last.
He thinks about walking at night to avoid the heat and sun, but based upon how dark it actually was the night before, and given that he has no flashlight, he's afraid that he'll break a leg or step on a rattlesnake. So, he puts on some sun block, puts the rest in his pocket for reapplication later, brings an umbrella he'd had in the back of the SUV with him to give him a little shade, pours the windshield wiper fluid into his water bottle in case he gets that desperate, brings his pocket knife in case he finds a cactus that looks like it might have water in it, and heads out in the direction he thinks is right.
He walks for the entire day. By the end of the day he's really thirsty. He's been sweating all day, and his lips are starting to crack. He's reapplied the sunblock twice, and tried to stay under the umbrella, but he still feels sunburned. The windshield wiper fluid sloshing in the bottle in his pocket is really getting tempting now. He knows that it's mainly water and some ethanol and coloring, but he also knows that they add some kind of poison to it to keep people from drinking it. He wonders what the poison is, and whether the poison would be worse than dying of thirst.
He pushes on, trying to get to that small town before dark.
By the end of the day he starts getting worried. He figures he's been walking at least 3 miles an hour, according to his watch for over 10 hours. That means that if his estimate was right that he should be close to the town. But he doesn't recognize any of this. He had to cross a dry creek bed a mile or two back, and he doesn't remember coming through it in the SUV. He figures that maybe he got his direction off just a little and that the dry creek bed was just off to one side of his path. He tells himself that he's close, and that after dark he'll start seeing the town lights over one of these hills, and that'll be all he needs.
As it gets dim enough that he starts stumbling over small rocks and things, he finds a spot and sits down to wait for full dark and the town lights.
Full dark comes before he knows it. He must have dozed off. He stands back up and turns all the way around. He sees nothing but stars.
He wakes up the next morning feeling absolutely lousy. His eyes are gummy and his mouth and nose feel like they're full of sand. He so thirsty that he can't even swallow. He barely got any sleep because it was so cold. He'd forgotten how cold it got at night in the desert and hadn't noticed it the night before because he'd been in his car.
He knows the Rule of Threes - three minutes without air, three days without water, three weeks without food - then you die. Some people can make it a little longer, in the best situations. But the desert heat and having to walk and sweat isn't the best situation to be without water. He figures, unless he finds water, this is his last day.
He rinses his mouth out with a little of the windshield wiper fluid. He waits a while after spitting that little bit out, to see if his mouth goes numb, or he feels dizzy or something. Has his mouth gone numb? Is it just in his mind? He's not sure. He'll go a little farther, and if he still doesn't find water, he'll try drinking some of the fluid.
Then he has to face his next, harder question - which way does he go from here? Does he keep walking the same way he was yesterday (assuming that he still knows which way that is), or does he try a new direction? He has no idea what to do.
Looking at the hills and dunes around him, he thinks he knows the direction he was heading before. Just going by a feeling, he points himself somewhat to the left of that, and starts walking.
As he walks, the day starts heating up. The desert, too cold just a couple of hours before, soon becomes an oven again. He sweats a little at first, and then stops. He starts getting worried at that - when you stop sweating he knows that means you're in trouble - usually right before heat stroke.
He decides that it's time to try the windshield wiper fluid. He can't wait any longer - if he passes out, he's dead. He stops in the shade of a large rock, takes the bottle out, opens it, and takes a mouthful. He slowly swallows it, making it last as long as he can. It feels so good in his dry and cracked throat that he doesn't even care about the nasty taste. He takes another mouthful, and makes it last too. Slowly, he drinks half the bottle. He figures that since he's drinking it, he might as well drink enough to make some difference and keep himself from passing out.
He's quit worrying about the denaturing of the wiper fluid. If it kills him, it kills him - if he didn't drink it, he'd die anyway. Besides, he's pretty sure that whatever substance they denature the fluid with is just designed to make you sick - their way of keeping winos from buying cheap wiper fluid for the ethanol content. He can handle throwing up, if it comes to that.
He walks. He walks in the hot, dry, windless desert. Sand, rocks, hills, dunes, the occasional scrawny cactus or dried bush. No sign of water. Sometimes he'll see a little movement to one side or the other, but whatever moved is usually gone before he can focus his eyes on it. Probably birds, lizards, or mice. Maybe snakes, though they usually move more at night. He's careful to stay away from the movements.
After a while, he begins to stagger. He's not sure if it's fatigue, heat stroke finally catching him, or maybe he was wrong and the denaturing of the wiper fluid was worse than he thought. He tries to steady himself, and keep going.
After more walking, he comes to a large stretch of sand. This is good! He knows he passed over a stretch of sand in the SUV - he remembers doing donuts in it. Or at least he thinks he remembers it - he's getting woozy enough and tired enough that he's not sure what he remembers any more or if he's hallucinating. But he thinks he remembers it. So he heads off into it, trying to get to the other side, hoping that it gets him closer to the town.
He was heading for a town, wasn't he? He thinks he was. He isn't sure any more. He's not even sure how long he's been walking any more. Is it still morning? Or has it moved into afternoon and the sun is going down again? It must be afternoon - it seems like it's been too long since he started out.
(continued...)
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:27:35 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
What the fuck is this shit?
otac0n ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 02:13:49 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
He walks through the sand.
After a while, he comes to a big dune in the sand. This is bad. He doesn't remember any dunes when driving over the sand in his SUV. Or at least he doesn't think he remembers any. This is bad.
But, he has no other direction to go. Too late to turn back now. He figures that he'll get to the top of the dune and see if he can see anything from there that helps him find the town. He keeps going up the dune.
Halfway up, he slips in the bad footing of the sand for the second or third time, and falls to his knees. He doesn't feel like getting back up - he'll just fall down again. So, he keeps going up the dune on his hand and knees.
While crawling, if his throat weren't so dry, he'd laugh. He's finally gotten to the hackneyed image of a man lost in the desert - crawling through the sand on his hands and knees. If would be the perfect image, he imagines, if only his clothes were more ragged. The people crawling through the desert in the cartoons always had ragged clothes. But his have lasted without any rips so far. Somebody will probably find his dessicated corpse half buried in the sand years from now, and his clothes will still be in fine shape - shake the sand out, and a good wash, and they'd be wearable again. He wishes his throat were wet enough to laugh. He coughs a little instead, and it hurts.
He finally makes it to the top of the sand dune. Now that he's at the top, he struggles a little, but manages to stand up and look around. All he sees is sand. Sand, and more sand. Behind him, about a mile away, he thinks he sees the rocky ground he left to head into this sand. Ahead of him, more dunes, more sand. This isn't where he drove his SUV. This is Hell. Or close enough.
Again, he doesn't know what to do. He decides to drink the rest of the wiper fluid while figuring it out. He takes out the bottle, and is removing the cap, when he glances to the side and sees something. Something in the sand. At the bottom of the dune, off to the side, he sees something strange. It's a flat area, in the sand. He stops taking the cap of the bottle off, and tries to look closer. The area seems to be circular. And it's dark - darker than the sand. And, there seems to be something in the middle of it, but he can't tell what it is. He looks as hard as he can, and still can tell from here. He's going to have to go down there and look.
He puts the bottle back in his pocket, and starts to stumble down the dune. After a few steps, he realizes that he's in trouble - he's not going to be able to keep his balance. After a couple of more sliding, tottering steps, he falls and starts to roll down the dune. The sand it so hot when his body hits it that for a minute he thinks he's caught fire on the way down - like a movie car wreck flashing into flames as it goes over the cliff, before it ever even hits the ground. He closes his eyes and mouth, covers his face with his hands, and waits to stop rolling.
He stops, at the bottom of the dune. After a minute or two, he finds enough energy to try to sit up and get the sand out of his face and clothes. When he clears his eyes enough, he looks around to make sure that the dark spot in the sand it still there and he hadn't just imagined it.
So, seeing the large, flat, dark spot on the sand is still there, he begins to crawl towards it. He'd get up and walk towards it, but he doesn't seem to have the energy to get up and walk right now. He must be in the final stages of dehydration he figures, as he crawls. If this place in the sand doesn't have water, he'll likely never make it anywhere else. This is his last chance.
He gets closer and closer, but still can't see what's in the middle of the dark area. His eyes won't quite focus any more for some reason. And lifting his head up to look takes so much effort that he gives up trying. He just keeps crawling.
Finally, he reaches the area he'd seen from the dune. It takes him a minute of crawling on it before he realizes that he's no longer on sand - he's now crawling on some kind of dark stone. Stone with some kind of marking on it - a pattern cut into the stone. He's too tired to stand up and try to see what the pattern is - so he just keeps crawling. He crawls towards the center, where his blurry eyes still see something in the middle of the dark stone area.
His mind, detached in a strange way, notes that either his hands and knees are so burnt by the sand that they no longer feel pain, or that this dark stone, in the middle of a burning desert with a pounding, punishing sun overhead, doesn't seem to be hot. It almost feels cool. He considers lying down on the nice cool surface.
Cool, dark stone. Not a good sign. He must be hallucinating this. He's probably in the middle of a patch of sand, already lying face down and dying, and just imagining this whole thing. A desert mirage. Soon the beautiful women carrying pitchers of water will come up and start giving him a drink. Then he'll know he's gone.
He decides against laying down on the cool stone. If he's going to die here in the middle of this hallucination, he at least wants to see what's in the center before he goes. He keeps crawling.
It's the third time that he hears the voice before he realizes what he's hearing. He would swear that someone just said, "Greetings, traveler. You do not look well. Do you hear me?"
He stops crawling. He tries to look up from where he is on his hands and knees, but it's too much effort to lift his head. So he tries something different - he leans back and tries to sit up on the stone. After a few seconds, he catches his balance, avoids falling on his face, sits up, and tries to focus his eyes. Blurry. He rubs his eyes with the back of his hands and tries again. Better this time.
Yep. He can see. He's sitting in the middle of a large, flat, dark expanse of stone. Directly next to him, about three feet away, is a white post or pole about two inches in diameter and sticking up about four or five feet out of the stone, at an angle.
And wrapped around this white rod, tail with rattle on it hovering and seeming to be ready to start rattling, is what must be a fifteen foot long desert diamondback rattlesnake, looking directly at him.
He stares at the snake in shock. He doesn't have the energy to get up and run away. He doesn't even have the energy to crawl away. This is it, his final resting place. No matter what happens, he's not going to be able to move from this spot.
Well, at least dying of a bite from this monster should be quicker than dying of thirst. He'll face his end like a man. He struggles to sit up a little straighter. The snake keeps watching him. He lifts one hand and waves it in the snake's direction, feebly. The snake watches the hand for a moment, then goes back to watching the man, looking into his eyes.
Hmmm. Maybe the snake had no interest in biting him? It hadn't rattled yet - that was a good sign. Maybe he wasn't going to die of snake bite after all.
He then remembers that he'd looked up when he'd reached the center here because he thought he'd heard a voice. He was still very woozy - he was likely to pass out soon, the sun still beat down on him even though he was now on cool stone. He still didn't have anything to drink. But maybe he had actually heard a voice. This stone didn't look natural. Nor did that white post sticking up out of the stone. Someone had to have built this. Maybe they were still nearby. Maybe that was who talked to him. Maybe this snake was even their pet, and that's why it wasn't biting.
He tries to clear his throat to say, "Hello," but his throat is too dry. All that comes out is a coughing or wheezing sound. There is no way he's going to be able to talk without something to drink. He feels his pocket, and the bottle with the wiper fluid is still there. He shakily pulls the bottle out, almost losing his balance and falling on his back in the process. This isn't good. He doesn't have much time left, by his reckoning, before he passes out.
He gets the lid off of the bottle, manages to get the bottle to his lips, and pours some of the fluid into his mouth. He sloshes it around, and then swallows it. He coughs a little. His throat feels better. Maybe he can talk now.
He tries again. Ignoring the snake, he turns to look around him, hoping to spot the owner of this place, and croaks out, "Hello? Is there anyone here?"
(continued...)
otac0n ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 02:15:04 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
He hears, from his side, "Greetings. What is it that you want?"
He turns his head, back towards the snake. That's where the sound had seemed to come from. The only thing he can think of is that there must be a speaker, hidden under the snake, or maybe built into that post. He decides to try asking for help.
"Please," he croaks again, suddenly feeling dizzy, "I'd love to not be thirsty any more. I've been a long time without water. Can you help me?"
Looking in the direction of the snake, hoping to see where the voice was coming from this time, he is shocked to see the snake rear back, open its mouth, and speak. He hears it say, as the dizziness overtakes him and he falls forward, face first on the stone, "Very well. Coming up."
A piercing pain shoots through his shoulder. Suddenly he is awake. He sits up and grabs his shoulder, wincing at the throbbing pain. He's momentarily disoriented as he looks around, and then he remembers - the crawl across the sand, the dark area of stone, the snake. He sees the snake, still wrapped around the tilted white post, still looking at him.
He reaches up and feels his shoulder, where it hurts. It feels slightly wet. He pulls his fingers away and looks at them - blood. He feels his shoulder again - his shirt has what feels like two holes in it - two puncture holes - they match up with the two aching spots of pain on his shoulder. He had been bitten. By the snake.
"It'll feel better in a minute." He looks up - it's the snake talking. He hadn't dreamed it. Suddenly he notices - he's not dizzy any more. And more importantly, he's not thirsty any more - at all!
"Have I died? Is this the afterlife? Why are you biting me in the afterlife?"
"Sorry about that, but I had to bite you," says the snake. "That's the way I work. It all comes through the bite. Think of it as natural medicine."
"You bit me to help me? Why aren't I thirsty any more? Did you give me a drink before you bit me? How did I drink enough while unconscious to not be thirsty any more? I haven't had a drink for over two days. Well, except for the windshield wiper fluid... hold it, how in the world does a snake talk? Are you real? Are you some sort of Disney animation?"
"No," says the snake, "I'm real. As real as you or anyone is, anyway. I didn't give you a drink. I bit you. That's how it works - it's what I do. I bite. I don't have hands to give you a drink, even if I had water just sitting around here."
The man sat stunned for a minute. Here he was, sitting in the middle of the desert on some strange stone that should be hot but wasn't, talking to a snake that could talk back and had just bitten him. And he felt better. Not great - he was still starving and exhausted, but much better - he was no longer thirsty. He had started to sweat again, but only slightly. He felt hot, in this sun, but it was starting to get lower in the sky, and the cool stone beneath him was a relief he could notice now that he was no longer dying of thirst.
"I might suggest that we take care of that methanol you now have in your system with the next request," continued the snake. "I can guess why you drank it, but I'm not sure how much you drank, or how much methanol was left in the wiper fluid. That stuff is nasty. It'll make you go blind in a day or two, if you drank enough of it."
"Ummm, n-next request?" said the man. He put his hand back on his hurting shoulder and backed away from the snake a little.
"That's the way it works. If you like, that is," explained the snake. "You get three requests. Call them wishes, if you wish." The snake grinned at his own joke, and the man drew back a little further from the show of fangs.
"But there are rules," the snake continued. "The first request is free. The second requires an agreement of secrecy. The third requires the binding of responsibility." The snake looks at the man seriously.
"By the way," the snake says suddenly, "my name is Nathan. Old Nathan, Samuel used to call me. He gave me the name. Before that, most of the Bound used to just call me 'Snake'. But that got old, and Samuel wouldn't stand for it. He said that anything that could talk needed a name. He was big into names. You can call me Nate, if you wish." Again, the snake grinned. "Sorry if I don't offer to shake, but I think you can understand - my shake sounds somewhat threatening." The snake give his rattle a little shake.
"Umm, my name is Jack," said the man, trying to absorb all of this. "Jack Samson.
"Can I ask you a question?" Jack says suddenly. "What happened to the poison...umm, in your bite. Why aren't I dying now? How did you do that? What do you mean by that's how you work?"
"That's more than one question," grins Nate. "But I'll still try to answer all of them. First, yes, you can ask me a question." The snake's grin gets wider. "Second, the poison is in you. It changed you. You now no longer need to drink. That's what you asked for. Or, well, technically, you asked to not be thirsty any more - but 'any more' is such a vague term. I decided to make it permanent - now, as long as you live, you shouldn't need to drink much at all. Your body will conserve water very efficiently. You should be able to get enough just from the food you eat - much like a creature of the desert. You've been changed.
"For the third question," Nate continues, "you are still dying. Besides the effects of that methanol in your system, you're a man - and men are mortal. In your current state, I give you no more than about another 50 years. Assuming you get out of this desert, alive, that is." Nate seemed vastly amused at his own humor, and continued his wide grin.
"As for the fourth question," Nate said, looking more serious as far as Jack could tell, as Jack was just now working on his ability to read talking-snake emotions from snake facial features, "first you have to agree to make a second request and become bound by the secrecy, or I can't tell you."
"Wait," joked Jack, "isn't this where you say you could tell me, but you'd have to kill me?"
"I thought that was implied." Nate continued to look serious.
"Ummm...yeah." Jack leaned back a little as he remembered again that he was talking to a fifteen foot poisonous reptile with a reputation for having a nasty temper. "So, what is this 'Bound by Secrecy' stuff, and can you really stop the effects of the methanol?" Jack thought for a second. "And, what do you mean methanol, anyway? I thought these days they use ethanol in wiper fluid, and just denature it?"
"They may, I don't really know," said Nate. "I haven't gotten out in a while. Maybe they do. All I know is that I smell methanol on your breath and on that bottle in your pocket. And the blue color of the liquid when you pulled it out to drink some let me guess that it was wiper fluid. I assume that they still color wiper fluid blue?"
"Yeah, they do," said Jack.
"I figured," replied Nate. "As for being bound by secrecy - with the fulfillment of your next request, you will be bound to say nothing about me, this place, or any of the information I will tell you after that, when you decide to go back out to your kind. You won't be allowed to talk about me, write about me, use sign language, charades, or even act in a way that will lead someone to guess correctly about me. You'll be bound to secrecy. Of course, I'll also ask you to promise not to give me away, and as I'm guessing that you're a man of your word, you'll never test the binding anyway, so you won't notice." Nate said the last part with utter confidence.
Jack, who had always prided himself on being a man of his word, felt a little nervous at this. "Ummm, hey, Nate, who are you? How did you know that? Are you, umm, omniscient, or something?"
Well, Jack," said Nate sadly, "I can't tell you that, unless you make the second request." Nate looked away for a minute, then looked back.
"Umm, well, ok," said Jack, "what is this about a second request? What can I ask for? Are you allowed to tell me that?"
"Sure!" said Nate, brightening. "You're allowed to ask for changes.
(continued...)
otac0n ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 02:16:31 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Changes to yourself. They're like wishes, but they can only affect you. Oh, and before you ask, I can't give you immortality. Or omniscience. Or omnipresence, for that matter. Though I might be able to make you gaseous and yet remain alive, and then you could spread through the atmosphere and sort of be omnipresent. But what good would that be - you still wouldn't be omniscient and thus still could only focus on one thing at a time. Not very useful, at least in my opinion." Nate stopped when he realized that Jack was staring at him.
"Well, anyway," continued Nate, "I'd probably suggest giving you permanent good health. It would negate the methanol now in your system, you'd be immune to most poisons and diseases, and you'd tend to live a very long time, barring accident, of course. And you'll even have a tendency to recover from accidents well. It always seemed like a good choice for a request to me."
"Cure the methanol poisoning, huh?" said Jack. "And keep me healthy for a long time? Hmmm. It doesn't sound bad at that. And it has to be a request about a change to me? I can't ask to be rich, right? Because that's not really a change to me?"
"Right," nodded Nate.
"Could I ask to be a genius and permanently healthy?" Jack asked, hopefully.
"That takes two requests, Jack."
"Yeah, I figured so," said Jack. "But I could ask to be a genius? I could become the smartest scientist in the world? Or the best athlete?"
"Well, I could make you very smart," admitted Nate, "but that wouldn't necessarily make you the best scientist in the world. Or, I could make you very athletic, but it wouldn't necessarily make you the best athlete either. You've heard the saying that 99% of genius is hard work? Well, there's some truth to that. I can give you the talent, but I can't make you work hard. It all depends on what you decide to do with it."
"Hmmm," said Jack. "Ok, I think I understand. And I get a third request, after this one?"
"Maybe," said Nate, "it depends on what you decide then. There are more rules for the third request that I can only tell you about after the second request. You know how it goes." Nate looked like he'd shrug, if he had shoulders.
"Ok, well, since I'd rather not be blind in a day or two, and permanent health doesn't sound bad, then consider that my second request. Officially. Do I need to sign in blood or something?"
"No," said Nate. "Just hold out your hand. Or heel." Nate grinned. "Or whatever part you want me to bite. I have to bite you again. Like I said, that's how it works - the poison, you know," Nate said apologetically.
Jack winced a little and felt his shoulder, where the last bite was. Hey, it didn't hurt any more. Just like Nate had said. That made Jack feel better about the biting business. But still, standing still while a fifteen foot snake sunk it's fangs into you. Jack stood up. Ignoring how good it felt to be able to stand again, and the hunger starting to gnaw at his stomach, Jack tried to decide where he wanted to get bitten. Despite knowing that it wouldn't hurt for long, Jack knew that this wasn't going to be easy.
"Hey, Jack," Nate suddenly said, looking past Jack towards the dunes behind him, "is that someone else coming up over there?"
Jack spun around and looked. Who else could be out here in the middle of nowhere? And did they bring food?
Wait a minute, there was nobody over there. What was Nate...
Jack let out a bellow as he felt two fangs sink into his rear end, through his jeans...
Jack sat down carefully, favoring his more tender buttock. "I would have decided, eventually, Nate. I was just thinking about it. You didn't have to hoodwink me like that."
"I've been doing this a long time, Jack," said Nate, confidently. "You humans have a hard time sitting still and letting a snake bite you - especially one my size. And besides, admit it - it's only been a couple of minutes and it already doesn't hurt any more, does it? That's because of the health benefit with this one. I told you that you'd heal quickly now."
"Yeah, well, still," said Jack, "it's the principle of the thing. And nobody likes being bitten in the butt! Couldn't you have gotten my calf or something instead?"
"More meat in the typical human butt," replied Nate. "And less chance you accidentally kick me or move at the last second."
"Yeah, right. So, tell me all of these wonderful secrets that I now qualify to hear," answered Jack.
"Ok," said Nate. "Do you want to ask questions first, or do you want me to just start talking?"
"Just talk," said Jack. "I'll sit here and try to not think about food."
"We could go try to rustle up some food for you first, if you like," answered Nate.
"Hey! You didn't tell me you had food around here, Nate!" Jack jumped up. "What do we have? Am I in walking distance to town? Or can you magically whip up food along with your other powers?" Jack was almost shouting with excitement. His stomach had been growling for hours.
"I was thinking more like I could flush something out of its hole and bite it for you, and you could skin it and eat it. Assuming you have a knife, that is," replied Nate, with the grin that Jack was starting to get used to.
"Ugh," said Jack, sitting back down. "I think I'll pass. I can last a little longer before I get desperate enough to eat desert rat, or whatever else it is you find out here. And there's nothing to burn - I'd have to eat it raw. No thanks. Just talk."
"Ok," replied Nate, still grinning. "But I'd better hurry, before you start looking at me as food.
Nate reared back a little, looked around for a second, and then continued. "You, Jack, are sitting in the middle of the Garden of Eden."
Jack looked around at the sand and dunes and then looked back at Nate sceptically.
"Well, that's the best I can figure it, anyway, Jack," said Nate. "Stand up and look at the symbol on the rock here." Nate gestured around the dark stone they were both sitting on with his nose.
Jack stood up and looked. Carved into the stone in a bas-relief was a representation of a large tree. The angled-pole that Nate was wrapped around was coming out of the trunk of the tree, right below where the main branches left the truck to reach out across the stone. It was very well done - it looked more like a tree had been reduced to almost two dimensions and embedded in the stone than it did like a carving.
Jack walked around and looked at the details in the fading light of the setting sun. He wished he'd looked at it while the sun was higher in the sky.
Wait! The sun was setting! That meant he was going to have to spend another night out here! Arrrgh!
Jack looked out across the desert for a little bit, and then came back and stood next to Nate. "In all the excitement, I almost forgot, Nate," said Jack. "Which way is it back to town? And how far? I'm eventually going to have to head back - I'm not sure I'll be able to survive by eating raw desert critters for long. And even if I can, I'm not sure I'll want to."
"It's about 30 miles that way." Nate pointed, with the rattle on his tail this time. As far as Jack could tell, it was a direction at right angles to the way he'd been going when he was crawling here. "But that's 30 miles by the way the crow flies. It's about 40 by the way a man walks. You should be able to do it in about half a day with your improved endurance, if you head out early tomorrow, Jack."
Jack looked out the way the snake had pointed for a few seconds more, and then sat back down. It was getting dark. Not much he could do about heading out right now. And besides, Nate was just about to get to the interesting stuff. "Garden of Eden? As best as you can figure it?"
"Well, yeah, as best as I and Samuel could figure it anyway," said Nate. "He figured that the story just got a little mixed up. You know, snake, in a 'tree', offering 'temptations', making bargains. That kind stuff. But he could never quite figure out how the Hebrews found out about this spot from across the ocean. He worried about that for a while."
"Garden of Eden, hunh?" said Jack. "How long have you been here, Nate?"
"No idea, really," replied Nate. "A long time. It never occurred to me to count years, until recently, and by then, of course, it was too late. But I do remember when this whole place was green, so I figure it's been thousands of years, at least."
"So, are you the snake that tempted Eve?" said Jack.
"Beats me," said Nate. "Maybe. I can't remember if the first one of your kind that I talked to was female or not, and I never got a name, but it could have been. And I suppose she could have considered my offer to grant requests a 'temptation', though I've rarely had refusals."
(continued...)
otac0n ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 02:17:11 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
"Well, umm, how did you get here then? And why is that white pole stuck out of the stone there?" asked Jack.
"Dad left me here. Or, I assume it was my dad. It was another snake - much bigger than I was back then. I remember talking to him, but I don't remember if it was in a language, or just kind of understanding what he wanted. But one day, he brought me to this stone, told me about it, and asked me to do something for him. I talked it over with him for a while, then agreed. I've been here ever since.
"What is this place?" said Jack. "And what did he ask you to do?"
"Well, you see this pole here, sticking out of the stone?" Nate loosened his coils around the tilted white pole and showed Jack where it descended into the stone. The pole was tilted at about a 45 degree angle and seemed to enter the stone in an eighteen inch slot cut into the stone. Jack leaned over and looked. The slot was dark and the pole went down into it as far as Jack could see in the dim light. Jack reached out to touch the pole, but Nate was suddenly there in the way.
"You can't touch that yet, Jack," said Nate.
"Why not?" asked Jack.
"I haven't explained it to you yet," replied Nate.
"Well, it kinda looks like a lever or something," said Jack. "You'd push it that way, and it would move in the slot."
"Yep, that's what it is," replied Nate.
"What does it do?" asked Jack. "End the world?"
"Oh, no," said Nate. "Nothing that drastic. It just ends humanity. I call it 'The Lever of Doom'." For the last few words Nate had used a deeper, ringing voice. He tried to look serious for a few seconds, and then gave up and grinned.
Jack was initially startled by Nate's pronouncement, but when Nate grinned Jack laughed. "Ha! You almost had me fooled for a second there. What does it really do?"
"Oh, it really ends humanity, like I said," smirked Nate. "I just thought the voice I used was funny, didn't you?"
Nate continued to grin.
"A lever to end humanity?" asked Jack. "What in the world is that for? Why would anyone need to end humanity?"
"Well," replied Nate, "I get the idea that maybe humanity was an experiment. Or maybe the Big Guy just thought, that if humanity started going really bad, there should be a way to end it. I'm not really sure. All I know are the rules, and the guesses that Samuel and I had about why it's here. I didn't think to ask back when I started here."
"Rules? What rules?" asked Jack.
"The rules are that I can't tell anybody about it or let them touch it unless they agree to be bound to secrecy by a bite. And that only one human can be bound in that way at a time. That's it." explained Nate.
Jack looked somewhat shocked. "You mean that I could pull the lever now? You'd let me end humanity?"
"Yep," replied Nate, "if you want to." Nate looked at Jack carefully. "Do you want to, Jack?"
"Umm, no." said Jack, stepping a little further back from the lever. "Why in the world would anyone want to end humanity? It'd take a psychotic to want that! Or worse, a suicidal psychotic, because it would kill him too, wouldn't it?"
"Yep," replied Nate, "being as he'd be human too."
"Has anyone ever seriously considered it?" asked Nate. "Any of those bound to secrecy, that is?"
"Well, of course, I think they've all seriously considered it at one time or another. Being given that kind of responsibility makes you sit down and think, or so I'm told. Samuel considered it several times. He'd often get disgusted with humanity, come out here, and just hold the lever for a while. But he never pulled it. Or you wouldn't be here." Nate grinned some more.
Jack sat down, well back from the lever. He looked thoughtful and puzzled at the same time. After a bit, he said, "So this makes me the Judge of humanity? I get to decide whether they keep going or just end? Me?"
"That seems to be it," agreed Nate.
"What kind of criteria do I use to decide?" said Jack. "How do I make this decision? Am I supposed to decide if they're good? Or too many of them are bad? Or that they're going the wrong way? Is there a set of rules for that?"
"Nope," replied Nate. "You pretty much just have to decide on your own. It's up to you, however you want to decide it. I guess that you're just supposed to know."
"But what if I get mad at someone? Or some girl dumps me and I feel horrible? Couldn't I make a mistake? How do I know that I won't screw up?" protested Jack.
Nate gave his kind of snake-like shrug again. "You don't. You just have to try your best, Jack."
Jack sat there for a while, staring off into the desert that was rapidly getting dark, chewing on a fingernail.
Suddenly, Jack turned around and looked at the snake. "Nate, was Samuel the one bound to this before me?"
"Yep," replied Nate. "He was a good guy. Talked to me a lot. Taught me to read and brought me books. I think I still have a good pile of them buried in the sand around here somewhere. I still miss him. He died a few months ago."
"Sounds like a good guy," agreed Jack. "How did he handle this, when you first told him. What did he do?"
"Well," said Nate, "he sat down for a while, thought about it for a bit, and then asked me some questions, much like you're doing."
"What did he ask you, if you're allowed to tell me?" asked Jack.
"He asked me about the third request," replied Nate.
"Aha!" It was Jack's turn to grin. "And what did you tell him?"
"I told him the rules for the third request. That to get the third request you have to agree to this whole thing. That if it ever comes to the point that you really think that humanity should be ended, that you'll come here and end it. You won't avoid it, and you won't wimp out." Nate looked serious again. "And you'll be bound to do it too, Jack."
"Hmmm." Jack looked back out into the darkness for a while.
Nate watched him, waiting.
"Nate," continued Jack, quietly, eventually. "What did Samuel ask for with his third request?"
Nate sounded like he was grinning again as he replied, also quietly, "Wisdom, Jack. He asked for wisdom. As much as I could give him."
"Ok," said Jack, suddenly, standing up and facing away from Nate, "give it to me.
Nate looked at Jack's backside. "Give you what, Jack?"
"Give me that wisdom. The same stuff that Samuel asked for. If it helped him, maybe it'll help me too." Jack turned his head to look back over his shoulder at Nate. "It did help him, right?"
"He said it did," replied Nate. "But he seemed a little quieter afterward. Like he had a lot to think about."
"Well, yeah, I can see that," said Jack. "So, give it to me." Jack turned to face away from Nate again, bent over slightly and tensed up.
Nate watched Jack tense up with a little exasperation. If he bit Jack now, Jack would likely jump out of his skin and maybe hurt them both.
"You remember that you'll be bound to destroy humanity if it ever looks like it needs it, right Jack?" asked Nate, shifting position.
"Yeah, yeah, I got that," replied Jack, eyes squeezed tightly shut and body tense, not noticing the change in direction of Nate's voice.
"And," continued Nate, from his new position, "do you remember that you'll turn bright purple, and grow big horns and extra eyes?"
"Yeah, yeah...Hey, wait a minute!" said Jack, opening his eyes, straightening up and turning around. "Purple?!" He didn't see Nate there. With the moonlight Jack could see that the lever extended up from its slot in the rock without the snake wrapped around it.
Jack heard, from behind him, Nate's "Just Kidding!" right before he felt the now familiar piercing pain, this time in the other buttock.
Jack sat on the edge of the dark stone in the rapidly cooling air, his feet extending out into the sand. He stared out into the darkness, listening to the wind stir the sand, occasionally rubbing his butt where he'd been recently bitten.
Nate had left for a little while, had come back with a desert-rodent-shaped bulge somewhere in his middle, and was now wrapped back around the lever, his tongue flicking out into the desert night's air the only sign that he was still awake.
Occasionally Jack, with his toes absentmindedly digging in the sand while he thought, would ask Nate a question without turning around.
"Nate, do accidents count?"
Nate lifted his head a little bit. "What do you mean, Jack?"
(continued...)
otac0n ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 02:17:41 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Jack tilted his head back like he was looking at the stars. "You know, accidents. If I accidentally fall on the lever, without meaning to, does that still wipe out humanity?"
"Yeah, I'm pretty sure it does, Jack. I'd suggest you be careful about that if you start feeling wobbly," said Nate with some amusement.
A little later - "Does it have to be me that pulls the lever?" asked Jack.
"That's the rule, Jack. Nobody else can pull it," answered Nate.
"No," Jack shook his head, "I meant does it have to be my hand? Could I pull the lever with a rope tied around it? Or push it with a stick? Or throw a rock?"
"Yes, those should work," replied Nate. "Though I'm not sure how complicated you could get. Samuel thought about trying to build some kind of remote control for it once, but gave it up. Everything he'd build would be gone by the next sunrise, if it was touching the stone, or over it. I told him that in the past others that had been bound had tried to bury the lever so they wouldn't be tempted to pull it, but every time the stones or sand or whatever had disappeared."
"Wow," said Jack, "Cool." Jack leaned back until only his elbows kept him off of the stone and looked up into the sky.
"Nate, how long did Samuel live? One of his wishes was for health too, right?" asked Jack.
"Yes," replied Nate, "it was. He lived 167 years, Jack."
"Wow, 167 years. That's almost 140 more years I'll live if I live as long. Do you know what he died of, Nate?"
"He died of getting tired of living, Jack," Nate said, sounding somewhat sad.
Jack turned his head to look at Nate in the starlight.
Nate looked back. "Samuel knew he wasn't going to be able to stay in society. He figured that they'd eventually see him still alive and start questioning it, so he decided that he'd have to disappear after a while. He faked his death once, but changed his mind - he decided it was too early and he could stay for a little longer. He wasn't very fond of mankind, but he liked the attention. Most of the time, anyway.
"His daughter and then his wife dying almost did him in though. He didn't stay in society much longer after that. He eventually came out here to spend time talking to me and thinking about pulling the lever. A few months ago he told me he'd had enough. It was his time."
"And then he just died?" asked Jack.
Nate shook his head a little. "He made his forth request, Jack. There's only one thing you can ask for the fourth request. The last bite.
After a bit Nate continued, "He told me that he was tired, that it was his time. He reassured me that someone new would show up soon, like they always had.
After another pause, Nate finished, "Samuel's body disappeared off the stone with the sunrise."
Jack lay back down and looked at the sky, leaving Nate alone with his memories. It was a long time until Jack's breathing evened out into sleep.
Jack woke with the sunrise the next morning. He was a little chilled with the morning desert air, but overall was feeling pretty good. Well, except that his stomach was grumbling and he wasn't willing to eat raw desert rat.
So, after getting directions to town from Nate, making sure he knew how to get back, and reassuring Nate that he'd be back soon, Jack started the long walk back to town. With his new health and Nate's good directions, he made it back easily.
Jack caught a bus back to the city, and showed up for work the next day, little worse for the wear and with a story about getting lost in the desert and walking back out. Within a couple of days Jack had talked a friend with a tow truck into going back out into the desert with him to fetch the SUV. They found it after a couple of hours of searching and towed it back without incident. Jack was careful not to even look in the direction of Nate's lever, though their path back didn't come within sight of it.
Before the next weekend, Jack had gone to a couple of stores, including a book store, and had gotten his SUV back from the mechanic, with a warning to avoid any more joyriding in the desert. On Saturday, Jack headed back to see Nate.
Jack parked a little way out of the small town near Nate, loaded up his new backpack with camping gear and the things he was bringing for Nate, and then started walking. He figured that walking would leave the least trail, and he knew that while not many people camped in the desert, it wasn't unheard of, and shouldn't really raise suspicions.
Jack had brought more books for Nate - recent books, magazines, newspapers. Some things that would catch Nate up with what was happening in the world, others that were just good books to read. He spent the weekend with Nate, and then headed out again, telling Nate that he'd be back again soon, but that he had things to do first.
Over four months later Jack was back to see Nate again. This time he brought a laptop with him - a specially modified laptop. It had a solar recharger, special filters and seals to keep out the sand, a satellite link-up, and a special keyboard and joystick that Jack hoped that a fifteen-foot rattlesnake would be able to use. And, it had been hacked to not give out its location to the satellite.
After that Jack could e-mail Nate to keep in touch, but still visited him fairly regularly - at least once or twice a year.
After the first year, Jack quit his job. For some reason, with the wisdom he 'd been given, and the knowledge that he could live for over 150 years, working in a nine to five job for someone else didn't seem that worthwhile any more. Jack went back to school.
Eventually, Jack started writing. Perhaps because of the wisdom, or perhaps because of his new perspective, he wrote well. People liked what he wrote, and he became well known for it. After a time, Jack bought an RV and started traveling around the country for book signings and readings.
But, he still remembered to drop by and visit Nate occasionally.
On one of the visits Nate seemed quieter than usual. Not that Nate had been a fountain of joy lately. Jack's best guess was that Nate was still missing Samuel, and though Jack had tried, he still hadn't been able to replace Samuel in Nate's eyes. Nate had been getting quieter each visit. But on this visit Nate didn't even speak when Jack walked up to the lever. He nodded at Jack, and then went back to staring into the desert. Jack, respecting Nate's silence, sat down and waited.
After a few minutes, Nate spoke. "Jack, I have someone to introduce you to."
Jack looked surprised. "Someone to introduce me to?" Jack looked around, and then looked carefully back at Nate. "This something to do with the Big Guy?
"No, no," replied Nate. "This is more personal. I want you to meet my son." Nate looked over at the nearest sand dune. "Sammy!"
Jack watched as a four foot long desert rattlesnake crawled from behind the dune and up to the stone base of the lever.
"Yo, Jack," said the new, much smaller snake.
"Yo, Sammy" replied Jack. Jack looked at Nate. "Named after Samuel, I assume?"
Nate nodded. "Jack, I've got a favor to ask you. Could you show Sammy around for me?" Nate unwrapped himself from the lever and slithered over to the edge of the stone and looked across the sands. "When Samuel first told me about the world, and brought me books and pictures, I wished that I could go see it. I wanted to see the great forests, the canyons, the cities, even the other deserts, to see if they felt and smelled the same. I want my son to have that chance - to see the world. Before he becomes bound here like I have been.
"He's seen it in pictures, over the computer that you brought me. But I hear that it's not the same. That being there is different. I want him to have that. Think you can do that for me, Jack?"
Jack nodded. This was obviously very important to Nate, so Jack didn't even joke about taking a talking rattlesnake out to see the world. "Yeah, I can do that for you, Nate. Is that all you need?" Jack could sense that was something more.
Nate looked at Sammy. Sammy looked back at Nate for a second and then said, "Oh, yeah. Ummm, I've gotta go pack. Back in a little bit Jack. Nice to meet ya!" Sammy slithered back over the dune and out of sight.
Nate watched Sammy disappear and then looked back at Jack. "Jack, this is my first son. My first offspring through all the years. You don't even want to know what it took for me to find a mate." Nate grinned to himself. "But anyway, I had a son for a reason. I'm tired. I'm ready for it to be over. I needed a replacement."
Jack considered this for a minute. "So, you're ready to come see the world, and you wanted him to watch the lever while you were gone?"
(continued...)
otac0n ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 02:17:49 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Nate shook his head. "No, Jack - you're a better guesser than that. You've already figured out - I'm bound here - there's only one way for me to leave here. And I'm ready. It's my time to die."
Jack looked more closely at Nate. He could tell Nate had thought about this - probably for quite a while. Jack had trouble imagining what it would be like to be as old as Nate, but Jack could already tell that in another hundred or two hundred years, he might be getting tired of life himself. Jack could understand Samuel's decision, and now Nate's. So, all Jack said was, "What do you want me to do?"
Nate nodded. "Thanks, Jack. I only want two things. One - show Sammy around the world - let him get his fill of it, until he's ready to come back here and take over. Two - give me the fourth request.
"I can't just decide to die, not any more than you can. I won't even die of old age like you eventually will, even though it'll be a long time from now. I need to be killed. Once Sammy is back here, ready to take over, I'll be able to die. And I need you to kill me.
"I've even thought about how. Poisons and other drugs won't work on me. And I've seen pictures of snakes that were shot - some of them live for days, so that's out too. So, I want you to bring back a sword.
Nate turned away to look back to the dune that Sammy had gone behind. "I'd say an axe, but that's somewhat undignified - putting my head on the ground or a chopping block like that. No, I like a sword. A time-honored way of going out. A dignified way to die. And, most importantly, it should work, even on me.
"You willing to do that for me, Jack?" Nate turned back to look at Jack.
"Yeah, Nate," replied Jack solemnly, "I think I can handle that."
Nate nodded. "Good!" He turned back toward the dune and shouted, "Sammy! Jack's about ready to leave!" Then quietly, "Thanks, Jack."
Jack didn't have anything to say to that, so he waited for Sammy to make it back to the lever, nodded to him, nodded a final time to Nate, and then headed into the desert with Sammy following. Over the next several years Sammy and Jack kept in touch with Nate through e-mail as they went about their adventures. They made a goal of visiting every country in the world, and did a respectable job of it. Sammy had a natural gift for languages, as Jack expected he would, and even ended up acting as a translator for Jack in a few of the countries. Jack managed to keep the talking rattlesnake hidden, even so, and by the time they were nearing the end of their tour of countries, Sammy had only been spotted a few times. While there were several people that had seen enough to startle them greatly, nobody had enough evidence to prove anything, and while a few wild rumors and storied followed Jack and Sammy around, nothing ever hit the newspapers or the public in general.
When they finished the tour of countries, Jack suggested that they try some undersea diving. They did. And spelunking. They did that too. Sammy finally drew the line at visiting Antarctica. He'd come to realize that Jack was stalling. After talking to his Dad about it over e-mail, he figured out that Jack probably didn't want to have to kill Nate. Nate told Sammy that humans could be squeamish about killing friends and acquaintances.
So, Sammy eventually put his tail down (as he didn't have a foot) and told Jack that it was time - he was ready to go back and take up his duties from his dad. Jack, delayed it a little more by insisting that they go back to Japan and buy an appropriate sword. He even stretched it a little more by getting lessons in how to use the sword. But, eventually, he'd learned as much as he was likely to without dedicating his life to it, and was definitely competent enough to take the head off of a snake. It was time to head back and see Nate.
When they got back to the US, Jack got the old RV out of storage where he and Sammy had left it after their tour of the fifty states, he loaded up Sammy and the sword, and they headed for the desert.
When they got to the small town that Jack had been trying to find those years ago when he'd met Nate, Jack was in a funk. He didn't really feel like walking all of the way out there. Not only that, but he'd forgotten to figure the travel time correctly, and it was late afternoon. They'd either have to spend the night in town and walk out tomorrow, or walk in the dark.
As Jack was afraid that if he waited one more night he might lose his resolve, he decided that he'd go ahead and drive the RV out there. It was only going to be this once, and Jack would go back and cover the tracks afterward. They ought to be able to make it out there by nightfall if they drove, and then they could get it over tonight.
Jack told Sammy to e-mail Nate that they were coming as he drove out of sight of the town on the road. They then pulled off the road and headed out into the desert.
Everything went well, until they got to the sand dunes. Jack had been nursing the RV along the whole time, over the rocks, through the creek beds, revving the engine the few times they almost got stuck. When they came to the dunes, Jack didn't really think about it, he just downshifted and headed up the first one. By the third dune, Jack started to regret that he'd decided to try driving on the sand. The RV was fishtailling and losing traction. Jack was having to work it up each dune slowly and was trying to keep from losing control each time they came over the top and slid down the other side. Sammy had come up to sit in the passenger seat, coiled up and laughing at Jack's driving.
As they came over the top of the fourth dune, the biggest one yet, Jack saw that this was the final dune - the stone, the lever, and somewhere Nate, waited below. Jack put on the brakes, but he'd gone a little too far. The RV started slipping down the other side.
Jack tried turning the wheel, but he didn't have enough traction. He pumped the brakes - no response. They started sliding down the hill, faster and faster.
Jack felt a shock go through him as he suddenly realized that they were heading for the lever. He looked down - the RV was directly on course for it. If Jack didn't do something, the RV would hit it. He was about to end humanity.
Jack steered more frantically, trying to get traction. It still wasn't working. The dune was too steep, and the sand too loose. In a split second, Jack realized that his only chance would be once he hit the stone around the lever - he should have traction on the stone for just a second before he hit the lever - he wouldn't have time to stop, but he should be able to steer away.
Jack took a better grip on the steering wheel and tried to turn the RV a little bit - every little bit would help. He'd have to time his turn just right.
The RV got to the bottom of the dune, sliding at an amazing speed in the sand. Just before they reached the stone Jack looked across it to check that they were still heading for the lever. They were. But Jack noticed something else that he hadn't seen from the top of the dune. Nate wasn't wrapped around the lever. He was off to the side of the lever, but still on the stone, waiting for them. The problem was, he was waiting on the same side of the lever that Jack had picked to steer towards to avoid the lever. The RV was already starting to drift that way a little in its mad rush across the sand and there was no way that Jack was going to be able to go around the lever to the other side.
Jack had an instant of realization. He was either going to have to hit the lever, or run over Nate. He glanced over at Sammy and saw that Sammy realized the same thing.
Jack took a firmer grip on the steering wheel as the RV ran up on the stone. Shouting to Sammy as he pulled the steering wheel, "BETTER NATE THAN LEVER," he ran over the snake.
rufusrjones ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 06:22:08 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Goddamn it, I'm calling the cops.
Blinknone ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:25:23 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
At first I was like ? then I was like ?: then I was like "is this ever going to end" then I went to the next message
thebeatles_ ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 02:27:49 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
"Son of a nutcracker!" - Buddy the Elf.
ButterFingerzMCPE ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:32:10 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
[NSFW]
swhit94 ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 02:37:01 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
(PG(-13?)) What do you call a potato with a dick?
A dictator.
DamFogelbert ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 02:39:30 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I cannot believe how many reposts on reddit get to the front page. And this joker gets gold because of the goldfish memory that is reddit.
hybrid504 ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 02:43:41 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Why couldn't the vampire have babies?
He had a hollow weenie... kinda pg
PomegranatePuppy ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 02:45:08 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
It's not- its snot When my grandfather asks me to pull his finger
hellishly_subtle ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 02:51:18 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
What's invisible and smells like carrots? - Bunny farts
bag-o-kittens ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 03:03:18 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
What kind of pants does Mario wear? Denim denim denim
DaRaginAsian19 ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 03:19:26 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Why did Mufasa get trampled in The Lion King?
....
Because he didn't Mufasa.
Thenesking ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 03:21:19 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Do you like fish sticks? Then you're a gay fish
Poet_of_Legends ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 03:35:57 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
We all know why 6 was afraid of 7. Because 7, 8, 9.
But do you know why 9 was afraid of 10?
Because 10, 11, 12!
Putnum ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 03:48:42 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Don't forget that 5 was a registered 6 offender
kitesinfection ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 03:36:33 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
A pregant woman and her husband were walking home one day when a mugger jumped out and demanded their money. The husband refused and the mugger shot the woman. She managed to survive and she ended up giving birth to triplets.
Several years later the oldest triplet, a daughter, came to the woman with a bullet in her hand. She explained that while using the toilet the bullet came out. The woman told her about the mugging and sent her on her way.
A few weeks later the middle triplet, also a daughter, came to the woman and told the same story as her sister. The woman told her middle child the mugging story and sent her away.
A week later the youngest triplet, a son, came rushing to his mother in a panic. The woman assumed he had the same problem as his sisters and began explaining about the mugging. The boy stopped the woman and said "Mom, there's no time! I shot the dog!"
[deleted] ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 04:32:41 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Go fuck yourself.
Abbigale221 ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 04:47:07 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)*
What do you call a fish with no eyes?
A fshhhhhhhhhh.
Edit: terrible joke teller
spriteman11 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 04:57:28 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Don't you mean no eyes?
Abbigale221 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:00:46 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Yes. I am an idiot. I just said it out loud to my BF too.
slowshot ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 05:00:11 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
That is a fish with no eyes.
Abbigale221 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 05:02:46 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Yes, I got it guys. Just worked a 13 hour shift in a restaurant on Valentine's Day weekend. I shouldn't be posting. I get it.
kdma81 ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 04:48:49 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
So the story goes, so many years ago, a man was alone in the middle of the ocean on his yacht. When all of a sudden, a rogue wave came out of nowhere and toppled his tiny little boat, throwing him into the water below.
Braving the waters for two lonely nights, surviving only by clinging to a piece of driftwood, he washed up onto a tiny island with barely enough sand to sit on.
Sitting there on this tiny lonely island, debating whether to brave the ocean again, he felt something hard beneath his feet. Upon brushing the sand away, he found a dull gold colored object, shaped just like a magic lamp.
Thinking to himself, there is no way this could be a real magic lamp, he retrieves it from the sand and gives it a rub, just in case.
POOF, out comes a genie.
Boggled, he listens to the genie as he is told that he will receive three wishes.
His first wish required no thought at all as he exclaimed to the genie, "GENIE! I wish to be in a limousine in New York!
The genie nods, snaps his fingers, and POOF! a moment later the man is surrounded by the lights of New York. With the driver patiently waiting for direction, he sat in awe at his incredible turn of luck.
Without a moment's hesitation, he immediately wished to be the richest man in the world and with the snap of his finger, the genie granted his wish.
Sitting there quietly in his limo, the man realized that he only had one wish remaining. Not wanting to waste it on petty material items, he instructed the genie to get comfortable as he wanted to wait. With a wave to the driver, he kindly requested the radio to be turned on so that he could enjoy his new life in style.
Much to his surprise, the radio was playing his favorite tune, one he had heard a hundred times as a child. Without a care in the world, and a smile on his face, he started to sing along, "Ohhhh.. I wish I were an Oscar Mayer Wiener".......
The end.
jbcarrot ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 04:53:19 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Farts hahahahHhahHhahAhHahhHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAhahahahahHahHahaHAHahAhahHHHahhahaHa
ray_zhor ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 05:07:17 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
where do leprechauns hide their armies? in their sleevies!
grape_jelly_sammich ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 05:08:24 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
How many nig...oh wait.
richardec ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:32:51 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Just one night
Katiewitha_k ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 05:22:11 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
You should just change the title to "Dad Jokes".
[deleted] ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 05:36:55 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Q. Why did the scarecrow get a promotion?
A. Because he was outstanding in his field.
jesusapproves ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 07:05:50 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
A: Knock knock.
B: Who's there?
A: Interrupting cow?
B: Interrupting... A:MOOOOOOOOOO
Rosquita ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 07:07:02 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
i tell this one to my ESL students alot...i always have to explain it though. but then it garners some laughter
Folody ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 14:52:26 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
A neutron and a proton weak into a bar and the neutron asks the bartender, "what's the charge?" the bartender replies, "for you? Oh uh none"
I'll leave
SputtleTuts ยท -11 points ยท Posted at 16:06:12 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
One day two very loving parents got into a huge fight, the man called the woman a "bitch" and the woman called the man a "bastard".
Their son walked in and said "What does bitch and bastard mean?" and the parents replied "ladies and gentlemen".
The next day the parents decided to have sex, the women said "feel my titties" and the man said "feel my dick".
Their son walked in and asked "What does titties and dick mean?" and the parents replied "hats and coats".
On Thanksgiving the dad was shaving and he cut himself, "Shit" he said, the kid came in and asked "What's that mean" and the man said it was the brand shaving cream he was using.
Down stairs the mom was preparing the turkey, and she cut herself, "Fuck" she said. Once again the kid asked "What's that mean" the mom said that is what she calls stuffing the turkey.
Then the door bell rang. The kid answered the door to his relatives and said "Alright you bitches and bastards, put your dicks and titties in the closet, my dad is upstairs wiping the shit off his face, and my mom is in the kitchen fucking the turkey!
pleasedothenerdful ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 19:38:29 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Funny, but not exactly G-ratedG-ratedG-ratedG-ratedG-ratedG-ratedG-ratedG-ratedG-ratedG-ratedG-ratedG-ratedG-ratedG-rated
kiefferbp ยท -4 points ยท Posted at 01:06:57 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
There's no "serious" tag, so everything's fair game.
[deleted] ยท -2 points ยท Posted at 15:33:28 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
[deleted]
SonicRainboom24 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:11:17 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
So random
LeRadioactiveNarwhal ยท -1 points ยท Posted at 17:21:47 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Basically everything in spongebob
greg4045 ยท -1 points ยท Posted at 17:35:55 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
What's easier to move - a pile of bowling balls or a pile of babies? .
.
.
.
.
The babies - you can't move bowling balls with a pitchfork.
Dookas ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 18:02:49 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Not exactly G rated :\
eyelane ยท -1 points ยท Posted at 20:52:01 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
"I'm surrounded by assholes" yeah spaceballs had a g rating
obtusian ยท -1 points ยท Posted at 21:51:05 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Not one laugh reading these.
Blahblahyousay ยท -1 points ยท Posted at 23:58:50 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
There are 2 sausages in a frying pan, 1st sausage says "phew it's hot in here." 2nd sausage says "fuck me a talking sausage."
malred ยท -1 points ยท Posted at 00:45:47 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Why do girls wear makeup and perfume?
....
Because they're ugly and they stink.
dontkillgamefish ยท -1 points ยท Posted at 00:48:25 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Bernie Sanders.
KlopeksWithCoppers ยท -1 points ยท Posted at 01:04:23 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Commenting so I can find this later.
Sporxx ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 01:07:45 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
It's almost like reddit has a "save" feature.
Mlazz15 ยท -1 points ยท Posted at 01:41:46 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Women's rights.
FuzyDiceBongoInBack ยท -1 points ยท Posted at 04:38:49 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Mohammed, a rabbi and a troupe of syphillitic prostitutes carrying a large wooden crate go into a Talent Agent's office and say they have an act he really ought to see. Despite his understandable misgivings the Talent Agent tells them to go ahead and show him what they've got. So they all strip off and, after introducing the diseased whores as his wives, Mohammed drops down onto his hands and knees and starts sucking hungrily on the rabbi's cock whilst the rabbi,waving an Israeli flag in one hand, repeatedly slaps Mohammed's face with the sole of his dog shit encrusted shoe. Meanwhile, as some of Mohammed's wives speed-drink bottles of beer and take it in turns to tongue the rabbi's anus, the others climb up on top of the wooden crate and masturbate each other with giant salami sausages whilst singing a spirited rendition of 'The Star Spangled Banner'. As he shoots his load into Mohammed's mouth the rabbi shits himself and those wives not enthusiastically licking it up off the floor gather round their husband and urinate on him yelling "Mohammed, piss be upon you!" Mohammed, his mouth ringed with Semite-smeg and still dripping the Jew-jism he hadn't managed to swallow, reaches out with his left hand, picks a bacon sandwich up off the shit-splattered floor and, pausing only to take a bite out of it, looks over his shoulder and shouts "Release the pig!" At this signal the wives sitting spread-legged on the wooden crate slide back the bolts on the box and a huge boar, driven crazy with lust by the familiar stench of their cunts, bursts into the room, his corkscrew cock twitching in eager anticipation. Seeing Mohammed's pouting arsehole in front of him the pig rushes forward and begins mounting him vigorously, his porky penis gliding into Mohammed's haemorrhoidy ring-piece with practiced ease as the assembled wives, in drunken unison, proclaim:"Behold, the mounting comes to Mohammed". "That's one hell of an act you've got there" says the Talent Agent,"what do you call it?" " The Allah-Ackbar-ocrats."
redroverdover ยท -1 points ยท Posted at 05:08:23 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
"Fuck her right in her pussy."
Gold, Jerry, GOLD!
iliketobuildstuff74 ยท -1 points ยท Posted at 06:00:04 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Commenting so I can find this post later, thanks for reading, bye
KaptanOblivious ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 06:18:42 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
If only reddit had a save button...
helliow ยท -2 points ยท Posted at 20:04:12 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Oh, man. Elephant jokes. I love them so much. There's just something about the ridiculousness of them all that makes me laugh really hard.
WyntonMarsalis ยท -2 points ยท Posted at 20:27:56 on February 12, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Why are turds tapered?
So your asshole doesn't slam shut.
rufusrjones ยท -8 points ยท Posted at 06:04:24 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I got a good one.., So this guy is driving down the California highway in the middle of the night around 2am, it's starting to rain and e notices a girl walking along the side of the road. Stopping, he asked her if she was okay. She was crying and answered "no! We just got in a car wreck and I can't get my mom to wake up and I think my dad broke his legs! I can't get any service so I'm walking back to town to get help!"
The man realized she been crying and was holding a cell phone, she couldn't have been more than 15 and town was at least half hour away by car, no way she'd make it on foot.
He gets out of the car and walks to her, "honey," he stops ad sighs "it just ain't your night is it?" And unzipped his pants.
Billyprice ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 06:06:35 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Do you know what G-Rated means at all
rufusrjones ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 06:33:24 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
No violence, no swearing? Or does it stand for gangsta?
RoketeerGI ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 07:13:58 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)*
And no sex or bathroom humor.
rufusrjones ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 08:03:08 on February 14, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
I didn't post anything with bathroom and or sexual humor. Why so upset?
RoketeerGI ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:58:58 on February 18, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Personally, I am not mad, merely pointing out that the unstated punchline of your joke involves sex (possibly rape), and neither that nor bathroom humor can be considered G rated jokes
dus1 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 07:26:39 on February 13, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
That is really not funny