Yeah, I wish I'd thought of that when I was in school.
Especially when you get accused of something you didn't do.
Pertho ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 02:05:11 on November 16, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I had a maniacal band teacher in Jr. High that thought I was satan. One day, as we are waiting for her to count us in to the Jurassic park theme she suddenly turns and yells at me:
"STOP LOOKING AT ME LIKE THAT"
All I could do was stare at her and stammer "you're the conductor? Where am I supposed to look?"
In my experience, "talking back" was disagreeing with the teacher. To be fair, I was in grade three and often was in fact rude, but they were, in elemetary-school me's words, "stupid idiotic meany-jerks."
TiggsMC ยท 17 points ยท Posted at 18:47:42 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I got this a lot, because I never turned in assignments on time or at all:
Teacher: Why have you not turned this in?
Me: I don't know. I guess I was doing insert activity and didnt get around to it
T: Stop making excuses. I don't understand why you can't do it.
Me: It's not an excuse. I gave you a reason.
T: stop talking back to me.
Me: ok.
[deleted] ยท 10 points ยท Posted at 19:52:54 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
It's not a good excuse, that is even though you did activity x you should still have been able to do the homework around time or you should just not have done that activity. So while it is an excuse, it doesn't excuse not doing the homework which is what that means in the context.
But what do you say if you can't explain why you didn't do your homework?
"Why didn't you do your homework?"
".......... I didn't do it?"
[deleted] ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 21:08:35 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Or teachers would play the trump card "stop arguing". At that point you can't defend yourself, because any counter or defense is, by definition, an argument.
Student: "You asked a question, what did you expect."
brikad ยท 20 points ยท Posted at 18:35:54 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Reminds of when a friend of mine was left behind after lunch, so he naturally went back to the classroom.
However the students had gone somewhere else first. When they returned he was waiting, and the teacher was upset he'd been away from the group.
He told her "I got left behind, so I assumed you'd gone back to class".
She responded with the juvenile "well when you assume things, you make an ass out of you and me".
His eyes boiled in their sockets for a moment and he spat back "no, just you, the teacher who's supposed to keep up with the students!"
Luckily for him, since the teacher had just said "ass" in front of 25 kids, there was little she could do to punish him. Geeze, what a dumb twat that woman was.
My 5 year old cousin asking my aunt if we can get McDonalds on the way home. She told him yes, if he could spell McDonalds. About 5 seconds later he says "uh.. Can we get KFC instead?"
Accendil ยท 2236 points ยท Posted at 06:52:11 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Before I had hit rock bottom in my heroin use my mom had an intervention for me when I was 20. I spelled out F-U-C-K Y-O-U to everyone in the room then told the interventionist to go such his own dick and that he better not try to get on the show intervention because not even my mom was buying his fake sympathy.. I went to wilderness rehab 5 months later. That was in 2009, I'm now 6 years off dope. I still drink, but no pills or drugs other than weed and booze.
Xetanees ยท 1030 points ยท Posted at 07:56:28 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
"Kentucky Fried Chicken" is no longer the full name of the company. The company's official name is "KFC". "Kentucky Fried Chicken" is now just a colloquial name.
That's so fucking stupid, I don't understand why some organizations do that. It doesn't make any sense to have an acronym with no meaning behind it.
TLC did that too. It used to be "The Learning Channel" and now it's just TLC with no extended meaning. I guess that's better than keeping it "The Learning Channel" because it has turned into an atrocious network spewing out brainless nonsense shows.
tazfriend ยท 292 points ยท Posted at 13:20:37 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The original reason for this change was the Commonwealth of Kentucky trademarking the name Kentucky, trying to get money out of businesses with the name. KFC wanted none of that.
http://www.snopes.com/lost/kfc.asp
Plus, consumers didn't like that "Fried" was in the name, as it sounds unhealthy, and we were in a national anti-fried food trend. And they wanted to show they sold more than just chicken.
Source: I'm old.
CyberFreq ยท 24 points ยท Posted at 15:44:41 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Was this before or after they released the abomination of the Double Down
Nothing that tastes as wonderful as the Double Down could ever be called an "abomination"
Durin90 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:46:32 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Agreed. /u/CyberFreq is crazy for thinking that it's an abomination (assuming that he meant abomination as in it tastes bad/is bad for you and shouldn't be eaten).
... whether its kfc or kentucky fried chicken the product is still fried chicken...
[deleted] ยท 11 points ยท Posted at 17:17:12 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Are you aware that you linked to the part of Snopes thats intentionally wrong to prove a point about not trusting everything you read on the internet?
tazfriend ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 18:35:17 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)*
Haha, I was not. I distinctively remembered having read this "fact" on Snopes, but a quick google didn't yield any credible sources. So I went lazy and added "site:snopes.com" to the search, and there it was. I mean if it is on Snopes it must be true right? right?
To add insult to injury, I love the story of how the "fact" that you eat spiders in your sleep is made up to prove that people are gullible. Seems I have fallen victim to the modern version of this.
EDIT: I am pretty sure I have seen a Discovery or National Geographic Channel documentary stating that mobile homes got their name from Mobile, Alabama. I will have some trust issues after this.
[deleted] ยท 9 points ยท Posted at 16:21:36 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
[deleted]
[deleted] ยท 7 points ยท Posted at 17:56:30 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
He's linking to The Repository Of Lost Legends. Note the acronym - TROLL. The Repository is full of bullshit as a way to try to teach people to think critically about things, not just accept it as true because it's on the internet.
In any case, that's not how trademarks work. You can't just go and trademark a name that someone else is using, and hope to make money from it. Businesses in different industries might even use the same name if it doesn't cause confusion amongst consumers.
Niek_pas ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 15:24:25 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Could you explain what the difference is between commonwealth and state?
I thought it had more to do with removing the "Fried" from the name, in order to portray a "healthier" product, even though nothing else changed. You know, kind of like what Kellogg's did when they removed all references to sugar from the names of their cereals? When "Sugar Smacks" became "Honey Smacks", "Super Sugar Crisp" became "Super Golden Crisp", etc....
[deleted] ยท -6 points ยท Posted at 14:54:00 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I heard this too. The reason being KFC's 'chicken' is so bloated with hormones it is pretty much a different life form from its original ancestors. It's like a mutant chicken.
And the Colonel is their Magneto.
[deleted] ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 17:18:08 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
bastion72 ยท 19 points ยท Posted at 11:26:34 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Rumor was that they started growing "chickens" in a lab and were forced by the FDA to change their name since they no longer sold chicken. Snopes put an end to that rumor though.
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:19:00 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
My cousin tried to tell me that once. I lived on a chicken farm that supplied chickens to KFC. I did not believe him.
In the case of KFC, the name change is due to the fact that the state of Kentucky has a trademark on the name "Kentucky," so they can make money off of the Kentucky Derby, Kentucky bluegrass, etc. Rather than pay out tons of money just to have Kentucky in the name, they officially changed the business to KFC and relied on their brand name recognition to supply the "unofficial" meaning of the acronym.
bailiff ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 14:12:23 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Huh... I guess that doesn't extend abroad then, does it? Because in Japan official commercials, menus, and their little ad jiggle specifically say "Kentucky". If you google for the company in Japanese it appears they still use the full name. But everyone calls them just "ใฑใณใฟใใญใผ" (pronounced "Kentakki").
According to Snopes, they eventually worked out a deal with Kentucky after they had changed the name, so it's possible they use the "full" name abroad and the acronym in the US, where it's better known.
billj04 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:37:33 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
In any case, that's not how trademarks work. You can't just go and trademark a name that someone else is using, and hope to make money from it. Businesses in different industries might even use the same name if it doesn't cause confusion amongst consumers.
The article is listed as false because the rumor they are addressing is that KFC changed to an acronym to eliminate the word "Fried" or even "Chicken" from the title. In the article itself, it explains that while the company was attempting to pass off the change as getting rid of the word Fried to improve its image, the actual reason was due to the word Kentucky.
EDIT OF SHAME: After further research, I discovered that I was incorrect. I was unaware that Snopes had a page of lies/jokes, and assumed that you had only skimmed and saw that it was listed as false. My apologies.
billj04 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 15:35:19 on November 16, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Don't worry about it. It got me at first, too. But I was shocked that supposedly Kentucky was able to do that, because it sounded contrary to how trademark law works. That's when I noticed the "More information about this page" link, which takes you to the article on "False Authority". Anyway, as Abraham Lincoln once said, don't believe everything you see on the internet! ;-)
I understand the TLC change, now "The Learning Channel" would be a total misnomer. It's not too much of a stretch to say that KFC sells Kentucky style fried chicken though.
KFC changed the name to de-emphasize 'fried'. On a practical end, they now have a small logo that is easier to recognize, even for non-readers or non-English speakers.
Hey hey Say Yes To The Dress is a bomb ass show I don't care what you say
CBMECHA ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 14:49:22 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The acronym had a meaning, but Kentucky trademarks its name, which forced Kentucky Fried Chicken to pay royalties. Instead of paying the royalties, the name was changed to KFC.
Legacy95 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 14:56:05 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Same with WWE. They're just WWE now rather than World Wrestling Entertainment
Others may have already said this, but it's because the chicken isn't actually chicken and so legally, they are not allowed to call it "chicken" and instead changed their name to KFC.
you've just answered your own question right there. These organisations wanted to be able to diversify and offer very different products than when they started, only without completely parting ways with a brand name that's worth tens or hundreds of millions. Starbucks dropped "coffee" from their name shortly after announcing that they were going to try to open bars and restaurants under their banner.
In fact, over 55% of KFC revenues comes from China. Yum co., the parent company that owns KFC and Taco Bell has been doing poorly recently. They are spinning off their KFC business in China into a subsidiary...
For some reason I couldn't stop laughing at that first line to your response. I can just picture a person with a grimacing face saying "That's so fucking stupid".
calgil ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:20:51 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Same with BP. Pissed me off when Obama kept going on about British Petroleum. That is not its name.
Ominusx ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:27:38 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Just to be that guy...
Technically it's an initialism rather than acronym.
As a company, if you take hold of a nickname, you can begin to control it's message. Think beverages and more. They began to fear the name bevmo could be used to describe any liquor store so they rebranded as Bevmo to jump on the name before it could morphed by public opinion.
If pressed on that subject, TLC has said shit like "Tender love and care" or "True Life Channel"
mtcruse ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:44:33 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Actually the extended meaning NOW is "Terribly Lurid Crap".
take5b ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:56:21 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I think same for AMC? Used to be "American Movie Classics" because they used to show, you know, movies. Now it focuses on original program. IIRC they also used to show those movies without commercials.
Basically TMC (Turner Movie Classics) took over that role.
KSFT__ ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:15:01 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
SAT also no longer stands for anything.
KSFT__ ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:16:48 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
You used a perfect example yourself. When a brand either changes owners, or want to take the brand to a broader audience. KFC was widely known as just KFC around even before the change. The learning channel probably didn't earn enough money, so they had to change their entire strategy. And, as you said, it's not about learning anymore. Our society also moves in a direction where everything needs to be easily grasped, as the information flow nowadays is every so increasing. "KFC" is a bit more international than "Kentucky Fried Chicken" i guess.
Costs more to have different logos compared to just one, when considering how much branded paper, pens, clothing, signs, car decals etc. they have and considering the volume discount they get for just having one logo. Also, having both would disturb the international brand awareness. There are ~4500 KFC restaurants in the US, while there are 4563 in China and 9821 in the rest of the world (according to Wiki). It does matter for their strategy. In 2013 they had a $23bn revenue. Insane.
[deleted] ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 12:51:15 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Isn't it because the chickens they breed aren't actually classed as chickens because they're so modified, so they can't call the store Kentucky Fried Chicken?
From my understanding, it's partly to do with the health scares of the 90s about cholesterol, cooking oils and fried foods. You have the word "Fried" on your store's name. Any customer survey is not gonna be coming out favorable.
Why do some stores still have the "Kentucky Fried Chicken" sign up then? Are they fakes? Should I beware of the impostor fried chicken? Is the only way to be safe just to eat at Popeyes instead?
redworm ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 08:25:39 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
We know, we all simply prefer reminding Kentucky fried chicken that their brand is associated with the obesity epidemic.
Fun fact, the three dots on the dominos pizza logo represent the three original locations. I used to work there and they made us take a stupid company knowledge test
Mox_au ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 12:29:49 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
C'OON
gkiltz ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 12:50:29 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
That's what 90% of people outside Kentucky called it anyway so why not
In other countries it's still Kentucky Fried Chicken though.
Source: I'm in Guatemala now and they are everywhere.
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:41:27 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
You should know better working there. They went back to Kentuky Fried Chicken in 2006. Most of their marketing materials still simply use KFC, but if you checkout their website you can see they are back to using the full name.
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:05:06 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
pretty sure the official name of the company was Yum!
Xetanees ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 07:12:24 on November 16, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Yum! is the parent company. KFC is a subsidiary.
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:51:23 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
"Actually, 'Kentucky Fried Chicken' is no longer the full name of the company. The company's official name is 'KFC'. 'Kentucky Fried Chicken' is now just a colloquial name."
In New Zealand it's also called kai for coons or kai for coconuts. Kai=food. coons and coconuts=native Maori and pacific islanders. They seem to be genetically predisposed to lovin' fried chicken.
Elementary school, a time when gym teachers were bigger bullies than any student could ever dream. We had this mean old she-hulk who barked at us to run laps rather than play volleyball. A particularly well spoken 10 year old peer, who happened to have won the regional spelling bee, complained that we should play volleyball rather than run.
The gym coach teased, "how do you spell annoying?"
To which Ben replied, "Y-O-U"
xteenaah ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 17:54:39 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
That reminds me of when I was 3 years old, my mom told my dad "Hey, what about we get P-I-Z-Z-A when we get home?" - she spelt it that way so I wouldn't get overly excited, as fat kids tend to get when there's pizza involved.
How's it not obvious? You really think I'm going around posting DOWNVOTE like anybody gives a shit? I feel like it would be normal not to assume I'm that retarded
Has anyone ever actually sent you a picture of either their removed kidneys or an x-ray?
[deleted] ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 15:37:39 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I once received a photo of a kidney. It was quite large, possibly from a sheep or a horse. I've only recently started using this account again after a long hiatus which may be why I've only had the one picture.
Weird Al did a joke exactly like that on his "interview" of Kevin Federline. Took lines where kfed was talking about writing a book, and spun them to sound like he was trying to read a whole book in one year
That reminds of a Groucho Marx quote. One of his friends sent him a copy of his latest book. He wrote back "Just got your book. Laughed from the minute I picked it up to the minute I set it down. Someday I intend reading it."
Erinity ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 19:50:32 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I'm 16. I was born last century. I know I'm not old, but I've seen all but one of the Pokemon games come out (in the US at least), which makes me feel old.
Reading the books now as an older person, he really is. I was so into them when they were first released (when I was fifth grade or so), but now I'm in college and for the past few years (probably around the 6th or 7th book) I can't see him as anything else but a douche.
My mom post dated a check for my uncles wedding. 10k in 10 years made out in both their names. If they made it they could cash it. It was his 3rd or 4th marriage. Jokes on her, they made it.
Enigma343 ยท 16 points ยท Posted at 07:18:06 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
This was basically my train of thought when missing any of my brother's weddings. I've actually lost count.
4ThaLolz ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 17:12:15 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I love this one! My fiancรฉ said the same thing to his dad when he called him a few days before the wedding, also a 3rd marriage. This made my father-in-law mad, new mother-in-law thought it was hilarious. We like her.
My dad said the same thing to my uncle's 3rd wedding; my dad had a recreational motor sports event on the same day and is kind of an asshole. My uncle (mom's brother) did laugh, but my mom was pissed as I imagine the bride was.
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 23:27:18 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
A friend of mine of 10+ years got married for the 3rd time and did not nvite me to the wedding and this is exactly what I wanted to say to him (but admittedly never did).
omaca ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 13:01:58 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
That doesn't sound smart-ass. That sounds just mean.
Mom: I see that you found the perfect resting spot for the clean laundry - on the dirty basement floor.
Me: no one likes a smart ass, mom
Mom: no one likes a dumb ass either, dear
Well, that's the joke, isn't it? Because when people call someone a smartass, they are really just calling someone an ass. And they are judging that person (usually, it's a smug disapproval of the person's sense of humor). My comment back is meant to acknowledge in a tongue-in-cheek way that I know what they really were calling me, and that maybe I identify more with the other half of the phrase that they really didn't mean (you think I'm an ass, I think I'm smart, so one of us is at least half right), and that I am amused by their passive-aggressive little insult and choose to see the humor in it rather than letting it bother me.
It's a head-scratcher comeback that makes the insulter pause, and while they're thinking "Wait, do they mean they're smart? Or an ass?" I enjoy a moment free from their verbal diarrhea.
SaloL ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 17:44:48 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I had a kid in my psychology class in high school who would openly sleep all class. We had a group activity with the topic "do girls know what guys are thinking?"
So we start and he's clearly not participating, doesn't know the topic and has resumed his nap. My teacher decides to call on his name
"Do you know the answer to the question?"
"What question?"
"Do girls know what guys are thinking?"
He looks over to one of our slower female classmates
"What am I thinking of?"
"I don't know..."
Looks back at the teacher
"No."
Puts his head back down to resume his nap
PoLS_ ยท 2755 points ยท Posted at 07:17:44 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Probably isnt an answer, it's probably more to just get discussion rolling about the differences between men and women. It could cover any natural differences we have in how we think, and also how our society either imposes or develops different ways of thinking between men and women. Could then go onto question the legitimacy of our differences, go into the sources of what we see as differences, all sorts.
[deleted] ยท 33 points ยท Posted at 13:49:11 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
It reminded me of something Wittgenstein wrote: "If a lion could speak, we would not understand it." Maybe the question is, do men and women lead similar enough lives that we can understand each other, or is that impossible?
It's hard to tell whether it's the sort of question that's made up by someone who's never actually been in a psychology class, or if it's the sort of question asked by an incompetent teacher.
Not sure if it's the same with other schools, but in new jersey many psychology courses consist of questions like this that tailor more to females. I don't blame the kid for sleeping through it. When I took my course a few years ago it was pretty much just girls talking about their feelings for 180 mins.
All are different. Mine offered 3 hour classes on Wednesdays but you'd be done with it for the whole week after that session, I didn't find it too hard to pay attention but that's probably because we'd constantly take 5-10 min breaks when some random chick would start to rant.
Edghyatt ยท 11 points ยท Posted at 15:56:33 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
What would you gather?
A question that divides genders like that (ALL members of this gender vs ALL of the other one) assuming inhuman or superhuman abilities like mind-reading is inherently sexist.
But these discussions leads nowhere so no, I wasn't being serious.
PanchDog ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 14:10:05 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Used to do that in high school from time to time. My pre-calculus teacher and anatomy teacher really hated me cause somehow I would still know the answers.
My 11th grade English teacher told me that if I sleep through class instead of interrupting she'd pass me. If I kept interrupting she'd fail me. I passed. However, I believe that was the sole reason I didn't win class clown. I was runner up that year and transferred the next year so I lost my only shot.
iccs ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:19:05 on November 16, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Man what high school students did you know
Kritur ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 09:07:14 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
When I was in high school a teacher of mine would give me candy if I offered to sleep instead of disturb the class... I still consider that a win despite the F.
HE may think that, but in my classroom, kids start off with a 100 on their weekly participation grade, and every time I see them "resting their eyes" throughout the week, I don't say anything to them... I just dock 10 points off of that participation grade. Same goes for (excessive) talking. Feel free to be a shithole in the classroom... just expect to have to be a shithole in the same classroom for at least two consecutive years.
v3scor ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 07:39:43 on November 16, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
That's pretty dick-ish of you honestly.
[deleted] ยท 196 points ยท Posted at 09:14:55 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)*
[deleted]
brikad ยท 72 points ยท Posted at 18:39:14 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Somebody tried doing this to a particularly redneck kid at my school.
When he awoke to find himself pranked, he calmly pulled out his folding knife, cut the tie, and grabbed his bag, but not before saying "anyone does that stupid shit again, I won't put the knife away so quickly".
[deleted] ยท 21 points ยท Posted at 19:07:43 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
jesus was this like 50 years ago or something? if this happened in the last 10 years that kid would have been expelled for even having a knife in his bag
brikad ยท 26 points ยท Posted at 19:39:12 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Like 8 years ago. People around here don't flip their fucking shit over a tool like a bunch of babies. Hell, a lot of guys had rifles/shotguns in their vehicles during hunting season.
And lo and behold, the only person that was ever hurt at that school was back in the 70s when they still had archery class. Accidental neck shot. He was fine.
kjata ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 02:06:10 on November 17, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Past selves are ungrateful little twits without an ounce of perspective. I think we're in universal agreement. Unless someone thinks they had more perspective then than they do now?
bleyeb1 ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 03:00:28 on November 16, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
a 3rd grader was recently suspended in my area for pretending to draw back a bow while on recess. It's kinda bullshit.
He was fine LOL Don't be a pussy Tom just pull that fucker out and get your ass to math class.
brikad ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:00:08 on November 16, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Pretty much. He was back at school the next day.
Emm03 ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 02:33:12 on November 16, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
There were kids in my high school who would play with butterfly knives in class and I'm sure people had all kinds of guns in their cars, probably both during and outside of hunting season. I usually carried some sort of pocket knife (usually with an under 3" blade, which doesn't technically count as a weapon) and went to school with a five gallon bucket of fireworks in my car on more than one occasion.
Ah. Where I go to school, they'd probably suspend/expel a student for brining a knife in the building. Was he serious, then?
brikad ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 01:34:22 on November 16, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Moderately.
The threat would have carried the same weight with or without the knife though. Since the guys at my school weren't afraid to fight, fights rarely broke out, but when they did it was sorted quickly and that was the end of it, no bullshit.
When you let young men act like young men, things sort themselves out, and people grow up with a respect for one another. Cram them into uniforms and punish them for "rough housing" and they never develop, so they turn into thugs, or worse, pussies.
That was me in high school. Unbeknownst to my young self I had a number of mental health issues, one of which would have me at the mercy of incredible sleepiness in any class. A similar scenario played out in global history and somehow, while sleeping, my brain recognized that the lesson was heading towards bringing up Lebanon. The only thing I knew about the country was that it's known for cedar (The "cedars of Lebanon" was a biblical reference; I was raised excessively Catholic and although I didn't have much religious inclination, I had the ability to call upon a vast quantity of knowledge about it) , and the teacher called on me to be a jackass and let everyone know I was sleeping. Still groggy and yawning, I answered "Lebanon" and he said "that's...yea. And what--" as I proceeded to interrupt him and say "Cedar", and put my head back down as he shook his head and grumbled something like "kid knows the fucking future" or something.
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 14:57:09 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Gman2324 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:48:51 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
This reminds me of this kid I knew in high school. He did the same thing, only instead a decent come back when the teacher asked him a question, he just threw up all over himself. Then he went back to sleep. Isn't high school amazing?
sonny68 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:17:31 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I had a kid like that in on of my high school classes way back. He was always in class sleep at his desk by the time I showed up, and would be asleep at his desk as I would leave. He probably lived there. Only saw his face like e times the whole year.
had insomnia from middle school through senior year, i was that person in some of my classes
Snarfler ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:45:07 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I used to sleep through this government class in high school quite often. One day I'm sleeping the teacher decided to slam a large textbook on my desk to wake me up. He did so, but it didn't startle me because I'm a pretty deep sleeper. I slowly look up at him and he just says "oh, well you must actually be really tired. You can go back to sleep."
My Psych class pretty much had designated nap blocks. Gotta love "Meditation" Days.
kasubot ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 23:32:13 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Not a smart ass comment but a sleeping student story.
In HS english we were reading shakespeare out loud. One of the guys in class got to a monologue (i forget which play we were reading) and fell asleep while reading it.
My teacher figured if you were that tired she could let him sleep in class and got someone else to take the part.
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:40:03 on November 16, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
dillon62 ยท -1 points ยท Posted at 13:39:02 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
This man is a fucking legend in my book haha
Nurum ยท -1 points ยท Posted at 15:43:13 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I was one of those guys that slept through most of college. I was in some marketing class and the teacher was going on about our big project that was do in like 2 weeks. She says something like "so I expect most of you have a good start on it already, hmm? How about you Nurum?" I just kind of smirked and said "it's not due for 2 weeks" and put my head back down.
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:26:12 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Haha, that stupid bitch. High five bro, she shoulda known better than to lock horns with the king broseph Nurum. God, I bet you got laid like, fifty times after.
It sounds like she wanted your cock, Bronado.
Keep on trucking, Bromancer.
Peace
Nurum ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:43:15 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Not really, just being a smart ass for a laugh, it wasn't really meant to be a bad ass comment
I work at a fast food restaurant, and my boss just recently announced that his wife was pregnant. A few of us, including my boss, were eating some of the restaurant's food on our break. After we finished eating, my boss absent-mindedly rubs his belly and commented on how our food was starting to make him chubby. Without hesitation, a smart-ass coworker of mine says, "Chubby? Dude, you're further along than your wife."
Luckily my boss has a pretty good sense of humor and just laughed it off.
Mamadog5 ยท 1248 points ยท Posted at 09:53:44 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I said that to my cousin once. He responded with..."Yep. I don't know if it's a girl or a boy, but it's going to be an elephant!"
I said, "An elephant???"
He said, "Yep, the trunk's already started out"
froderick ยท 18 points ยท Posted at 14:19:50 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I'm going to need an explanation for this one.
KittyRow ยท 122 points ยท Posted at 14:21:43 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
His penis.
froderick ยท -24 points ยท Posted at 14:40:47 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Oh, this would've been after they'd had an ultrasound, I'm guessing. I forgot that bit, I thought this was being assumed just from finding out that they're pregnant and that's it.
I'm not sure if I understand your comment correctly, but I think you still haven't gotten it right. The man himself was saying he was pregnant because he was overweight, and that he was going to have an elephant. He knew because the trunk already came out and was dangling from his body...his penis.
froderick ยท -3 points ยท Posted at 14:58:36 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Oh ok, thought the person he knew once said his own missus was pregnant, and followed it up with their joke.
thomooo ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:46:50 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Reminds me of closing the bar I used to work at. My boss was helping and afterwards we were having a drink with another colleague.
My boss and his wife are around a lot to help out, so we all know them both.
He starts telling a story how he used to do a lot of cleaning here after closing and even doing messy jobs like cleaning up puke.
He goes on to say that there was one time he was outside of the handicapped toilet and heard someone puking. He then sees the door go open, a woman come out but immediately turn around and sees her puking (in the sink) again.
So he says he walked over, dipped her face in the puke (it apparently clogged the drain) and helped her outside.
To which I replied: "Huh. That sure showed your wife didn't it?"
He just laughs, grabs my arm and shakes it a little while saying "oh you..!" haha, great guy.
10nam95 ยท -34 points ยท Posted at 08:24:32 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I'd up vote but then the total up votes won't be '69'...
[deleted] ยท 16 points ยท Posted at 08:36:27 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
But he won't upvote if the total doesn't become 69!
That's his secret...he never upvotes
ericbrow ยท 3959 points ยท Posted at 05:52:10 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
A student insinuated that two other students may have been having sex. The teacher responded "I don't believe in premarital sex." The laziest kid in class wakes up, "Oh it happens! It's a real thing. It exists."
aarchaput ยท 1488 points ยท Posted at 07:56:33 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Well what the fuck else was supposed to be said? She said she didn't believe in it, not that she didn't support it. It's like those teachers who said we have completely blue blood in our veins that turns red in open air.
108241 ยท 27 points ยท Posted at 15:17:20 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Shortening of expressions happens all the time in English. The teacher was saying she didn't believe that it was moral. This commonly gets shortened to not believing in it. Another example would be the phrase "the proof is in the pudding." By itself, this makes no sense, but it's a shortened version of "the proof of the pudding is in the eating."
Jesus, I almost just asked you what the saying was.
Bkm72 ยท 15 points ยท Posted at 14:48:28 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I've got a variation on this. We'll call her Ms. N.
She was an older super religious woman. One day she was getting agitated with the class and snipping at everyone. My friend saw an opportunity.
My friend - Mrs. N, do you believe in pre marital sex?
Ms N - Oh my heavens, absolutely not
He knew he had her, so it let about 5 mins go by
My Friend - Ms. N, have you ever been married?
Ms. N - No I haven't.
MF - WHOOOPS!!!!
When she realized what had just transpired she got bright red and left the room. She ended up quitting right after that.
[deleted] ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 16:40:08 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
This is my go-to retort for any Oh, I don't believe in (X). I know what they mean, and I know what they're attempting to say, but, really, I just don't care.
elykl12 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:52:16 on November 16, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
This reminds me of a similar comment I once made.
My friend was talking about gun control and said, "Well I just don't believe in guns." And then I responded, "They exist all right. They're a real thing, believe me."
Travjbell ยท 635 points ยท Posted at 10:01:41 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I was in a lacrosse game, and at halftime, one of the players on the other team asked the referee "what's the score?"
The ref response still cracks me up: "It's how we decide who wins the game"
dupelize ยท 36 points ยท Posted at 19:34:56 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Shirley he should have seen that coming.
oyooy ยท 18 points ยท Posted at 19:56:27 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I just want to tell you both: good luck, we're all counting on you.
Tutush ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 23:48:56 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I just want to tell you both: good luck, we're all counting on you.
Classic dad joke. My dad is legally blind and therefore can't drive, so my husband and I take him where he needs to go. One day the three of us are at the grocery store next to the frozen vegetables. I see that some of the frozen veggies are on sale for $.99 but can't see which ones, so I ask "what's $.99?" My dad responds with "one penny less than a dollar" at the same time as my husband says "a monetary value." I rolled my eyes super hard.
xRaw-HD ยท 1597 points ยท Posted at 03:54:00 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Small gathering, and one of my friends just met my other friends fiance. He said ""Hi, there! I've heard all but good things about you!"
She smiled and didn't even realise what he just said.
[deleted] ยท 381 points ยท Posted at 07:53:00 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I am having trouble with that expression. Would you mind explaining it to me? If someone says for example "We are all but hopeless", does it mean the only thing they have is hope? Or that they are everything except hopeful? Is the but working with the "all" or with the adjective? Could I put a "still" after the "but" without changing the meaning?
Pa5trick ยท 20 points ยท Posted at 15:23:50 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
All but hopeless = we are everything EXCEPT hopeless.
It sounds to me that "all but guaranteed" is like a way of saying "it's BASICALLY guaranteed... But we don't accept returns and are not putting a formal guarantee on this thing." Like a legal step around.
Pa5trick ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 16:46:26 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Pretty much, but even if your product doesn't work you can say all but guaranteed.
Not really. The problem is that there's two expressions. There's "All x but y are..." and "X is all but Y". When you say: "The game is all but lost", you're saying that, while the game technically hasn't been lost yet, it's definitely going to be lost. It's all the things that a lost game is (like being badly played), except for being lost just yet (only because the whistle hasn't been blown yet).
When you say "All games were lost but this one", you mean that this game has been won. The problem in the sentence above is that they switched some words around, which makes the second case look like the first case.
The way to see that this sentence was the second case (and therefore an insult, rather than a compliment), is by switching words around"I've heard all but good things about you" means the same as: "I've heard all things about you but good ones".
You can't do that with the first case, because : "The lost is all but the game" doesn't make sense.
It's a way of saying hope can be anything, like stupid, not needed, a waste, perfect etc etc etc BUT it's NOT lost.
She is anything but fat. Means she can be dumb, pretty, smart, ugly, a good parent, amazing hygienist anything you want, but she is NOT fat.
rawbdor ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 16:11:00 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
So I could say "I am nowhere near losing hope." instead of "Hope is all but lost.", right?
Nope... /u/Ltablet had it wrong. If you say "Hope is all but lost", it means (for example) that 99/100 of your exits are blocked, and hope is very very low, extremely low, but there's still that 1 shot. There's still hope, but its so faint that its basically a pipedream. One more exit blocks, and you've got no more hope left at all.
rawbdor ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 16:05:55 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
/u/Lying_Dutchman had the right answer. The phrase "All but guaranteed" means it's everything that a guarantee entails, EXCEPT an actual guarantee.
Let's compare this with "The game is all but lost". When someone says the game is all but lost, as /u/Lying_Dutchman said, the game is everything that a lost game would be, except actually lost. The score is 13-0, and you really have no chance of winning. The game is not lost yet, though, because there's still 3 minutes left in the game.
How does this affect the phrase "All but guaranteed"? Well, they're trying to imply the product has all the qualities of a guarantee except an actual guarantee. The problem is, an actual guarantee is the only valuable part of a guarantee. If I try to say "You guaranteed the product", they'll say "No sir, we never explicitly guaranteed it... We said it has all the qualities of a guarantee except the guarantee, so we won't actually replace your broken product." But when a game is all but lost, you know that in 3 minutes, when time runs out, the game will actually be lost. So this is marketing speak for "We want you to think the product is guaranteed but we wont actually guarantee it."
So the phrase itself is already hard enough to understand, but it gets even harder when marketers get a hold of it. In general, the phrase is meant to imply whatever after the 'but' is inevitable. The game is all but lost, but the loss is inevitable. My couch is all but completely destroyed... it's in extremely bad shape and is completely unusable as a couch, but there's still pieces of it left, so it's not COMPLETELY destroyed. The product is all but guaranteed... it's almost basically guaranteed! Really! Seriously! But we won't provide you a replacement bc we never guaranteed it.
With all these replies providing mixed information I am sadly more confused than before. To put it simple, would you say the phrase "The game is all but lost" can be substituted by which of the following:
a) The game may be everything else, but it is not lost.
b) The game may be everything, the only thing left for it is to be lost.
c) The game may be everything, but the only certain thing is that it is lost. / The game is all, but it is lost.
If I understood you, /u/Lying_Dutchman, and /u/rawbdor correctly, it should be b), but I am not completely sure yet (sorry!).
The answer is b. The game is everything that a lost game is, without technically being lost yet. It is on the very cusp of losing, and (in the case of a game) there is probably nothing that can be done to win it.
To give another example: A disease that has been all but eradicated is still present, but in only a very small number of people (as compared to before). In this case though, it's not a guarantee that it will actually be eradicated completely, unlike with the game. This is simply because games have a moment when they end, and at the end you either win or lose. Diseases do not work like that.
So, again: X is all but Y means that it is very very close to being Y, and has all the properties of being Y that it can have without actually being Y yet.
I hope we've been able tomake it a little clearer. English can be a confusing language.
rawbdor ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 21:38:11 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
"The game is all but lost" means you are down 23-0 with 3 minute left on the clock. A miracle could allow you to score 23 points in the next 3 minutes, but it is so unlikely as to be nearly unachievable. The game is everything that "lost" means except that there's still 1 minute left on the clock, so it's not "technically" lost yet.
It's hard for me to say it's "b" because you are not qualifying the term everything. The game isn't everything. It's not starting, it's not stopping, it's not red or blue. It's not the kitchen sink.
If there were 30 requirements for a game to be lost, this game meets 29 of them. If it met all 30, it'd be technically lost. It only meets 29 of the requirements, so it is not technically lost.
[deleted] ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 11:48:02 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Lmao
[deleted] ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 14:25:59 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I just heard "Our 157 point marketing strategy" on the radio last night.
Or maybe he says, "you're a lot smarter than you look". I think I fucked up the punchline. Not a great one, either way.
n0remack ยท 2141 points ยท Posted at 05:12:12 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
This was in middle school:
One of the kids in class, just annoying - tries making a joke or something here and there, sometimes its good, most of the time its not. Anyway, one day he decided to play with the meter stick and starts saying "look at me, i've got a meter long stick" and puts it between his legs.
Without skipping a beat, the teacher looks at him, looks down at his desk and says "yeah, keep dreaming Pinochio, one day you'll be a real boy"
Entire class came to a screeching halt - erupts in laughter (even the annoying kid, how could you not?) Fucking god bless you, Mr. Smith, you fucking savage
Not me but one of my friends. As the new teacher went around the room she asked each student what they liked to be called for short. You know, like Jon instead of Jonathan, Chris instead of Christopher but when the teacher got to my one friend his response was amazing. "Uhmm Jordyn do you have a anything you want me to call you?" "You can call me daddy."....."Go to the office."
One of the kids said he wanted to be called Big daddy in my class. The teacher called him big daddy for like a month straight, the student got tired of it.
Waxgains ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 01:25:19 on November 16, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
She went around the room asking our names, and my name is nothing close to Henry. It really wasn't even that funny and I have no idea why the sub was so upset over it.
-MPG13- ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 14:57:56 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
In elementary school, one of my friends, Tate, went the entire day by frank when we had a substitute. I don't know what the harm done was, but he got yelled d out later that day.
[deleted] ยท -2 points ยท Posted at 17:41:24 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)*
My friend sent me a selfie of him driving to work with the caption 'going to be such a long day'.
Yeah I don't like receiving shit like that so I texted him back going "WHY DID YOU JUST SEND ME A DICK PIC?!" And he proceeds to freak out trying to recall what he sent me.
And then he insists it was a selfie and I say yeah I know. You're the dick.
"When Sir Winton Turnbull... was raving and ranting on the adjournment and shouted 'I am a Country member', I interjected 'I remember'. He could not understand why, for the first time in all the years he had been speaking in the House, there was instant and loud applause from both sides."
"When Sir Winton Turnbull... was raving and ranting on the adjournment and shouted 'I am a Country member', I interjected 'I remember'. He could not understand why, for the first time in all the years he had been speaking in the House, there was instant and loud applause from both sides."
"Yes madam, and you are ugly. In the morning, I shall be sober."
Ilyichg ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 15:06:36 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Brilliant
Sq33KER ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 05:02:31 on November 16, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Another pm, Paul Keating about an independent: "The Honorable Member has been in so many parties he is a complete political harlot.
Yet another pm, Julia Gillard about Tony Abbott. "If he wants to know what misogyny looks like in modern Australia, he doesn't need a motion, he needs a mirror.
[deleted] ยท 7 points ยท Posted at 22:40:46 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
You can afford to call 411 but still need welfare?
ectish ยท -6 points ยท Posted at 16:57:05 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)*
A favorable acquaintance works (it's been years really) at FedEx and has a great customer service phone story from one of his cohorts.
The guy's customer was getting pretty irate and he'd had enough and handled it delightfully. He says, after the customer must've asked for a supervisor "sir, do you have any idea who I am? You really don't know just WHO you are taking to right now? No? Is that so? Well then sir, FUCKYOUUU!!"
Heh heh, one time my mother was testing my little brother for his upcoming science test, and asked him "What's a solid?" He looked right back at her and said, "When you do someone a favor, mom."
[deleted] ยท 619 points ยท Posted at 06:22:30 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)*
Sublime
Edit: Gold! Alright alright alright.
[deleted] ยท 580 points ยท Posted at 06:47:59 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)*
Solid
Edit: Now I understand the hype, but also why this edit isn't favorable.
sam112358 ยท 146 points ยท Posted at 07:12:54 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)*
Why the fuck is everyone getting gold?
EDIT : Just for everyone's notice, I'm a smart, greedy and wanted to be guilded for the first time, so i made more than one comment and got gilded on the other one. You may cry in your corner.
Amen to that. "They're called noble gases because they don't bond with anything else" my chemistry teacher told me. Looks like someone forgot to tell Xenon
odie4evr ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 07:36:40 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Just periodically though.
Chuntzy ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 11:09:29 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
All the good chemistry jokes argon.
[deleted] ยท 63 points ยท Posted at 05:45:10 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
i dun gettit
[deleted] ยท 150 points ยท Posted at 05:51:53 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
When you do someone a "solid", you do them a favor. For example, when hanging out with a buddy, if he gets up to go get a drink, you could say "Hey, do me a solid and grab me one too?". Pretty common slang where I'm from (Northeast US).
A solid in context of the question is one of the three basic states of matter: solid, liquid, and gas.
The brother said that a solid was doing someone a favor such as "Hey, Jake, my wife and I were having date night tonight but our babysitter bailed. Mind doing us a solid (favor) and watch or kids tonight?"
ago_ ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 13:04:38 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I once asked my dad to tell me a french -re verb for me to conjugate. He said, with a straight face, "Fenรชtre". He spoke better french than me at the time. For those who don't know, that's "Window."
OldWolf2 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 21:55:49 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
In my area "solid" is also slang for a boner ("solid wood"). It's rare but you do hear it from time to time. I thought this story was going to be a whole lot more interesting at first !
EchoPhi ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:31:31 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I was touring The Eagle's Nest, Hitler's private retreat/vacation home in the Alps this summer and there was a blizzard. I was on a tour with a Russian family and for some reason all the Germans seemed really prepared for the snow. I leaned over to this Russian guy who seemed personable and said, "Wow, these Germans are really prepared for the weather." Not missing a beat, he just smiled and said, "Yes, this time." It was incredible.
[deleted] ยท 10 points ยท Posted at 00:44:27 on November 16, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Daaaaamn.
SnakPak_ ยท 73 points ยท Posted at 07:44:47 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I told my dad I wanted to work out and become a beefcake. He responded with, "Cupcake, maybe."
I'm a homo who's dad is still wary about the whole thing.
wants to be beefcake
dad thinks is cupcake
username is /u/SnakPak_
Maybe compromise and become a beef stick instead?
[deleted] ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 01:39:40 on November 16, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Oh my god that's hilarious.
Hope it's a friendly wariness and not an unfriendly wariness. I'm gay too and my family is still afraid to make jokes, except one crazy drunk uncle, lol.
SnakPak_ ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 01:54:14 on November 16, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Friendly. He's a cool guy.
[deleted] ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 02:50:35 on November 16, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
feb914 ยท 58 points ยท Posted at 14:41:04 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
There was a pro-Quebec independence movement called FLQ that kidnapped and murdered a Quebec cabinet minister on October 1970, this was the climax of years of bombings from 1963. When Pierre Trudeau was asked about how far he would be willing to act against them, he replied "Just watch me".
He then invoked War Measures Act (first time ever used in peacetime) and detained near 500 people of the organisation before the end of the year.
The FLQ ended up being tiny. There was not 500 members to detain. They arrested other sovereignty sympathizers as well as other random people, like hippies growing pot on the islands of British Columbia.
The reason this move has been so roundly criticized since is because of how the police took advantage of carte-blanche to violate people's rights and then have cause for arrests (this is the case with the hippies growing pot)
clooneys ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 21:53:18 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
So was fuddle duddle
GodofCat ยท 13 points ยท Posted at 17:20:43 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Nixon was also at a party with Pierre Trudeau while Pierre's son, Justin was in a playpen and was just a baby. Nixon toasted "To the soon to be prime minister of Canada. Justin Trudeau." and guess who is the most recent prime minister in Canada?
[deleted] ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 02:33:20 on November 16, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Richard Nixon jr?
GodofCat ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:43:15 on November 16, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Yes
[deleted] ยท 24 points ยท Posted at 17:07:38 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)*
Pierre Trudeau was the Prime Minister of Canada at the time (he's also the father of the current Prime Minister of Canada), and Richard Nixon was the President of the United States. They had a somewhat strained working relationship, and at some point he found out that Nixon had called him an asshole behind his back. This is what he said publicly in response.
He could have called the US president names, or tried to be diplomatic. Instead he didn't curse at all and insulted both the intelligence and morality of the US president with that one phrase. This, at the height of the cold war, when Canada was absolutely dependent on the US for nuclear defence and trade, and was in the process of distancing itself from the UK by repatriating its constitution.
Like him or not, Trudeau the first had the biggest balls of any Canadian Prime Minister.
Man, I must be really dumb, I still don't get it. Like, how is that so much of an insult?
Ilodie ยท 23 points ยท Posted at 15:44:48 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
"I've been called worse things (implying that other people are more clever, because asshole isn't a very clever insult), by better people (the person that's insulting him isn't a good person.)"
He is saying that the insult is not even worth acknowledging because Richard Nixon is unoriginal, and according to Trudeau he did not hold the prestige to even be on par with the people Trudeau hung out with.
My pleasantly plump aunt hails a cab, driver asks her where she's headed. "Big & Beefy [a fast food joint downtown]" "I asked where yer' goin, not whatcha name is".
Nah, that doesn't have the same burn quality as an angry Boston guy or an Indian guy with blankets all over the car does. Maybe it's just the accent that really makes it for me in my head.
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:14:37 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
[deleted]
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:17:48 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
evictor ยท -3 points ยท Posted at 11:50:43 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Fuckin fuckin
[deleted] ยท -1 points ยท Posted at 20:25:06 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Down vote for the use of the term savageโฆ I don't know what year this became a good thingโฆ 2014 or 15? Couldn't be earlier than thatโฆ Savage - negative
At the end of the taxi ride, I hope your aunt smiled as she paid him and said, "I so wish I could tip you, too, but I'm sure you'll agree that with a name like Big & Beefy, I have to save every penny to pay for my name change."
[deleted] ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 11:58:08 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Hope she got a ride to a burn center after that
con247 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:25:38 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I've sat here for at least 15 minutes reading this over and over again but I just don't understand.
Am I retarded or is there a joke here somewhere?
[deleted] ยท 7 points ยท Posted at 18:13:59 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
It's a parallelism that works quite well. It works on multiple levels, so I'll explain. To play "hard to get" means to act colder to someone you're dating than you actually feel. This is because of the dumb perception that guys would pursue a girl harder if she acts more disinterested.
The comment works on two levels: one assuming that "playing hard to get" actually works. The other refutes that. So by saying "you're so hard to want", there are two meanings:
The first is that the person who's playing hard to get is not succeeding because she isn't attractive enough for the guy to want her hard enough to pursue her endlessly. It's an attack on her ego because she assumed guys would just do that for her.
The second is that playing hard to get is selfish, immature and anti-feminist. So it means, "You're playing hard to get. You're selfish, and that makes you unattractive. Don't play hard to get, and be honest."
I worked in a stamping factory, you know this machines that cuts and bends steel with the force of gravity and weight of the die. Big heavy stuff.
The manager there dropped a die and out of reflex tried to grab it. He lost his a couple fingers and the chunk of another.
Fast forward 5months-shop manager has switched to front office due to his hand. But he comes back to chat with us and updates on sports events because they have a tv up there. We poked fun at him regularly for being a "suit".
So, one day we are all eating lunch and up comes the manager-
Manager: "Hey guys! Our local baseball is up 5-2!"
Co-worker: "oh yeah?, what inning are we in?"
Manager: Raises his previously mangled hand as to indicate the 5th inning by showing 5 fingers
Co-worker: "Halfway thru the 3rd?"
The manager almost attacked him. Best smart ass retort I'd ever seen.
Wbattle88 ยท 16 points ยท Posted at 18:34:44 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Man, I thought only the rookies tried to grab stuff falling in a machine shop... Suprised he made it all the way to shop manager.
Kazzack ยท 16 points ยท Posted at 21:03:32 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The key is not accepting a job in a machine shop until you have already lost some fingers. That way you get street cred because obviously you have seen some shit.
Similar story, my dad is a carpenter/cabinet maker and cut off three of his fingers, 2 of which were re-attached. The cut was just below the first knuckle from the tip, so he has roughly half his index finger. Dinner, our estimated time of departure, etc... was always in 9.5 or 4.5 minutes.
Gravity sucks people to the core of the earth, which is why the child fell when he leaned back. (He was/is a smart kid, so I worked in science/math/spelling into our play time quite often. Not usually, however, when he was ass over teakettle.)
Saying something sucks, particularly in reference to pain emanating from one's own child's buttocks, is quite different from the typical, "Oh, sweetie, did you get a boo boo?" parental reaction. (I was trying to normalize the experience, so he dealt with it like the mild pain in the ass it was, instead of something worthy of stopping having fun. Which worked, as he got right back on the swing.)
So yes, working a relevant scientific fact into my reaction was sarcastic and also a pun.
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:09:35 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
"Gravitiy is no joke."
--Zeborah, in de newsgroup rec.arts.sf.composition
[deleted] ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 23:45:32 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Teacher said to a class of 25, I got 25 idiots here! One of the kids blurts out 26! True story.
[deleted] ยท 1754 points ยท Posted at 03:05:53 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
hahah. a few days ago, a teacher told my classmate to pick one person for a question and jokingly said "pick the most annoying person in this class". my classmate responded with "okay sir, I pick you"
Number127 ยท 1947 points ยท Posted at 05:26:22 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
That's detention, Potter, and ten points from Gryffindor for your cheek.
hufflepuffs don't care about points. they don't believe in some bullshit reward system that clearly was never going to be based on anything after the end of harry's first year.
Yeah, but no matter how hard you try, sticking you arms into the legs of your pants wont end well. Maybe you should try putting your legs through them?
[deleted] ยท 7 points ยท Posted at 16:53:01 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
You saying hufflepuffs are chill made me wonder if they're the kind and caring ones because they're immense potheads. And that's why no one really knows what they do besides being hufflepuffs.
yeah the last time one of their own, the super stud, bong ripper himself, Cedric Diggery, stepped into the spotlight with harry potter, he well...died. 'Which for hufflepuffs means extreme paranoia.
that night after smoking a "BOWL" for the dead homie, the older hufflepuffs met up in herbology lab for a late night sesh. after burning some chiba, they all agreed. don't sell any more weed to gryffendor. Especially that sketch ass fool potter and if that weasley chick wants the good stuff she needs to hook them up with sweet deals on fred and georges magic shop gifts.
If ginny cant comply then she has to go back to buying nickle bags full of stems from crabbe and blaise zambini. or coke from malfoy.
also the ravenclaws have been complaining again.finals are coming up and Luna lovegood is officially cut off from the dankness for the rest of the semester. The proposal came after luna entered the great hall wearing a giant lions head.
DragoonDM ยท 126 points ยท Posted at 11:18:37 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Well, they sort of had one... right up until the end of Harry's 4th year. It didn't go well.
[deleted] ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 15:11:26 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Now I have an image of a Harry Potter that is a bit "special" who thinks he's thwarting Voldemort every year.
"And then Ron fought a chess set and I looked at the mirror and I put a stone in my pocket and Quirrell had Voldemort's face on the back of his head and I saved the day."
"You sure did Harry. 3,000 points to Gryffindor. I bet you'll stop Voldemort next year too, because he definitely isn't just a figment of your grief-stricken imagination. You're a hero. Nobody else could have stopped the back of Professor Quirrell's head from taking over Britain."
it's weird. you'd figure the guy was trying to win favors with potter. on account of him being the last horcrux and all. in dumbledors eyes, that's one kids who get a "pass"
[deleted] ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 11:22:02 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Duuuuuuuude, spoilers!
(I've already finished the series but you might want a spoiler alert there.)
Berlinia ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 12:33:57 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Spoilers are not relevant 7 years after the book release xD
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 12:51:18 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I only finished Deathly Hallows 4 or 5 months ago, there are still people who are in the middle of the series and browse reddit.
Berlinia ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 13:47:06 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Yes there are but you can't expect not to be spoiled when you browse the internet. Deathly Hallows has been out for so long that some stuff has happened and people "expect" you to know them
Not really a valid argument, though, because of the generation game. Someone just born when the last book came out would be eight now, and maybe they'd just be starting the series. People aren't just born with an inherent knowledge of Harry Potter, y'know.
Berlinia ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 17:26:27 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
No but in that context wr can never discuss events that were used in any form of art ever. Imo i take it like this.
If i say to someone i am starting a series and they spoil me aftetwards then fuck them.
If they casually mention that eddard stark dies in the first book of asoiaf then i can't be mad at them (if its within context not just as a purposeful spoiler).
So saying: fucking martin showef he was gonna kill all characters in book one with eddard is acceptabe.
Saying: do you know eddard stark dies? Is not
Number127 ยท 297 points ยท Posted at 06:26:21 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Be silent, Finnegan, and eyes on your cauldron, unless you want it to boil over and splatter Dulling Draught all over Longbottom...although who would notice.
Naf5000 ยท 185 points ยท Posted at 06:38:15 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Guys, I think I found Alan Rickman's Reddit account.
als_pals ยท 108 points ยท Posted at 08:48:26 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I don't think you would've said that, I also don't think that kid would've said it if he paused for even one second, it was a spontaneous response without thinking for a second. That's kid was actually one of the top students, and everyone was shocked that he actually said that.
He was not even punished for it, and he wrote an apology letter to the teacher and read it out loud in class, no one asked him to do it. Nicest kid I ever met.
Yeah, many years ago that was a popular 3rd grade insult. Right up there with, "does that shirt itch? It did when I threw it away." Ah, good times. :-)
Because we spend too much time with second-generation Indian-Canadians who are 150% sure they're black and allowed to call all their Indian friends "niggah" because "fam, where I come from is way worse than Detroit".
I might be projecting a little, but fuck you, Leo. You grew up in fucking Caledon, not Kashmir.
I feel like the majority of these are made up. Like the guy who's dad crawled like a dog when he was a waiter. It almost sounds like something from a movie when he added that his dad got a standing ovation from the other customers at the end.
EDIT: For fucks sake people stop messaging me about how you've had this interaction with your mother too. I've had it too. I'm not calling OP story bullshit I'm calling a majority of the OTHER replies on this thread lies. This reply is too OP because he probably has one of the most real responses in this thread, and that he shouldn't feel inadequate about his response too his mother because I feel that most of the other responses in this thread are BS. So stop messaging me about this shit I'm agreeing with OP I like his reply and once again I DON"T think OP is BS I THINK SOME OF THE OTHER REPLIES IN THIS THREAD ARE BS.
I hate it when people make links to this subreddit as a comment. Just because strange or crazy things don't happen in your life, doesn't mean they don't happen to other people.
I was just giving OP the link, not using it to bash someone else's story. Sure, exciting things happen, but even you have to understand why someone would make fun of this.
No no, I wasn't snapping at you, I was just saying it's annoying when people read a story and then just write "/r/thathappened" as a reply.
neatchee ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 12:21:59 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
You know, this one I believe though, because it actually happened to me too! I was being a typical teenage shithead during an argument and my mom got so flustered and frustrated that she called me a SOB.
We just kinda looked at each other for a second... then started laughing. Pretty good way to defuse the situation actually haha
Dyesce_ ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 12:15:30 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Meh, who cares, they're funny.
I'll never know if a stranger in a far away land led to me so I chose to believe it. I forget real quickly about it anyway because I don't know these people.
There are always people who live exceptionally boring lives that never experience anything beyond a modicum of an experience.
If you think all of these sound made up, you should focus on breaking out of your day to day mold. I assure you, people have a huge range of behavior, and life can give you lemons and lemonade at the same time.
Thank you mysterious internet stranger. You know everything about my life. Thanks for also believing just because someone is skeptic that they must live boring lives, I mean obviously you know everything about life and you can impart this superfluous knowledge onto me.
If you took the time to read my comment I said a majority I believe were made up not all.
To be fair my mom's said it to me a handful of times, and just stops then says something like "you know what the fuck I mean", but it's too late me and my sister were already laughing too hard.
I didn't mean /u/WorldsGreatestPoop doesn't sound beliavable. If anything his and a couple others sound belivable. I mean most of the other replies in this thread seem made up.
imeuru ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 06:32:13 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Sometimes movie scenes happen irl...I've had a movie scene happen to me, (Think Boogie Nights on the dance floor w/standing ovation, and I high fived a guy with downs s. on the way out.) it was surreal.
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 06:35:20 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Accendil ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 06:54:37 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I can believe half of this one, my mum said this to me and I replied something about her insulting herself but she wasn't unimpressed or impressed as it's a pretty lame come back.
Did you not read the comment? I'm replying to OP because he said he thought he felt clever when he told his mom that she said it not him. I'm saying the reason why he feels inadqueate about his clever response as compared to other people. Is because the other peoples comments feel made up. Please re-read this sentence. The OTHER, key word OTHER, peoples comment feel made up. So I do agree with him that it's a clever witty reply, and I do believe that it's a true reply he had with his mom.
The reason why I refrence another reply is because I feel the other reply is the epitome of made up bullshit. I don't believe that a reasturant full of customers would give a guy a standing ovation when he tells an annoying customer off. THats why I use that as an example for BS replies in this thread.
So for fuck sakes people stop messaging about how you had this interaction with your mother too, BECAUSE I AGREE WITH YOU I HAD THIS TOO WITH MY MOM. And take some time to read the fucking comments.
I'll link it again since you didn't read it please take just 5 fucking seconds to read it before commenting to me about how you had this interaction with your mom, because I agree with OP I;ve had it too.
Same reasoning. OP/replier has no proof of the event and you don't have proof of either person lying. When it comes down to it, the one denying the situation is the asshole.
Are you being serious?
I've never talked about proofs at all. In fact once again if you take the time to read instead of trying to start beef on the internet I've said a multiple time that I have a feeling that their stories are bs. If I wanted to be an asshole I could have replied to them individually and said your lying, but I didn't because all I had was a feeling that those stories were lies. You're not an asshole for doubting stories you're an asshole if you start hounding people about it. Which you're doing now.
You're on a forum take the time to read shit before you start arguments for the most stupid of reasons.
Lol you just hate being wrong don't you? Just scrolling through your history, I see a lot of the same shit. You really like to go against the grain as much as you can. Such a special snowflake you are:) So cold and cynical. I've never seen that before.
I like how you went from not reading any of my post to reading them all. If you read through my posts then you know I like to shitpost because I'm a shitlord.
mbbird ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 10:14:19 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
If you were at that one guys house it would have been a savage beating with jumper cables
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 07:44:01 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
my mom jokingly called me a little bitch once in front of some friends and family, so I complained that she called me a bitch and she said "then stop being a little bitch" right in front of my grandma
Lol she's the best mom I could ask for.
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 10:36:42 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
My mum once called me a bitch and I replied with โyeah, well I learnt from the best!" Her rage increased substantially.
inthrees ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 14:00:50 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
alternate responses include "I'M SAYING!" or "THAT IS MY MOTHER YOU ARE TALKING ABOUT, MADAM."
wahoo20 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:21:45 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
My mom said this once during an argument. I immediately started laughing my ass off. She was less amused.
Intelligence is one of those ones that is a pain in the dick to put a number to.
IQ tests can be swayed by studying for them. someone who knows what typically asked and knows the methods for solving the problems is going to be better equipped than someone who has never seen them before.
I dont think there is a great bell curve because of this. if anything, there is a disproportionate number of high IQ's compared to low IQ's.
[deleted] ยท -4 points ยท Posted at 08:22:26 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Not mean, unless you are offended by being average.
Mean is the same thing as average. They're synonyms.
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 22:31:20 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Yes that is why he could also have said: "Not mean(adjective), unless you are offended by being mean(noun)", but he decided to use the word "average" to prevent confusion.
canoe123 ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 13:33:39 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
That's a completely separate thing.
Crook_Lid ยท 142 points ยท Posted at 05:32:23 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)*
I don't get it.
Edit: Alright, I get it now, people!
pixlepize ยท 407 points ยท Posted at 05:38:41 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
In a bell curve the middle of the curve is the highest point. Do a google image search if your having trouble visualizing it. Basically means that it sounds like he's saying you're smart but he's really saying you're average.
It's mildly insulting to tell someone they're not special, but there's nothing really intrinsically wrong with being average. I think there are better smart-ass comments out there.
CTiShin ยท 302 points ยท Posted at 06:07:46 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
yes but this is reddit and we are the top 1% .
odie4evr ยท 167 points ยท Posted at 07:39:12 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
An online free IQ test told me I had an IQ of 175.
Rokusi ยท 133 points ยท Posted at 08:12:19 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
An online IQ test told me I have an IQ of 176. Therefore, you must be objectively a slack-jawed idiot.
You know what's sad, there's tons of people out there who are actually really intelligent, perhaps even on Reddit. But they constantly get verbal beatings because people talk badly about those who simply pretend. In other words, those people are made fun of even though they're not the culprit.
/r/iamverysmart people like to say they're in the 1%, but it's unfair on those who are, I think.
kataskopo ยท -3 points ยท Posted at 08:35:34 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
People in my family always told me I was super smart.
Then real life started and I realized being "smart" doesn't mean fucking shit, and it's about hard work and shit like that.
So yeah, when I have kids I'm complementing them on their hard work and stuff they actually do, not some vague notion of being intelligent.
Core_Four ยท 18 points ยท Posted at 06:39:24 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Yeah thats what I thought. I was like, so you're saying there's a good chunk of people I'm smarter than?
Honestly it's a weak-ass burn. People just like it because they understand it and most people won't.
Jerlko ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:41:54 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Honestly, most people who have gone to university probably know what a bell curve is. It's not anything incredibly niche in a particular subject, it's just a way to manage data.
Jerlko ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 15:40:31 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
This is one of those insults that only works in threads like these. Try using it seriously in real life and you'll just come off as an awkward idiot.
I'm at the bottom right of most bell curves, but I'm on the bottom left on the one that matters, the will to actually get off my ass and do something curve.
tyen0 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:53:48 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
But everyone thinks they are above average despite evidence, so it is still a good insult. :)
Deako87 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 22:24:19 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
but there's nothing really intrinsically wrong with being average
Damn right.
I'm pretty much smack bang on the average height for my country and I'm very much ok with this.
Here's a picture of the IQ bell curve. So yes the top, the highest point on the bell curve, IS the middle of the curve, but the middle of the curve is average inelegance.
Wouldn't the peak of the bell curve be the highest point of intelligence? What kind of graph are we even looking at. Intelligence vs Age? This needs more explaining!
Edit: I looked at a Bell Curve and I can see that at the highest point it shows the most of something. But this statement is 100% based on what the graph is comparing, so it doesn't make sense.
[deleted] ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 11:32:07 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The x axis would be intelligence the y axis would be the number of people. The top of the bell curve is the most common level of intelligence. The left most side is the lower end of the spectrum ( stupid people), the right most is the higher end of the spectrum ( smart people ). If you are in the middle of the bell curve you are just average
The insult should be this, you are at the peak of a bell curve in a graph that shows amount of people and intelligence. That completely ruins it, but at least it clarifies what the hell is on the bell curve.
Jerlko ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:46:40 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Bell curves only apply to distribution because any other metric would just make it a scatterplot or any variation hence. The definition of a bell curve is that it shows normal distribution.
Translation: When it comes to intelligence, you're definitely completely average.
[deleted] ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 20:04:08 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The bell curve shape is the shape of a frequency graph for things like intelligence, height, and other characteristics. Basically, if you graph how many people have an IQ from say 20 to 190 - 20, 21, 22, [...] 98, 99, 100, 101 [...] 181, 182, 183 etc... - you would find the greated number of people are in the middle, at about 100. On either side, less and less people are there as you move away from the centre. This forms a bell shaped graph. If you're at the top of the bell curve, you're right in the centre, or the average. So they're saying "you're average intelligence" but it sounds good at first.
Most people are about the same height while there are a few very tall people and a few very short people.
If you graphed height vs number of people it would look a bit like a bell. Lots of people in the middle means it is highest in the middle. Lots of things are distributed like this. IQ for one.
By saying top of the bell curve it sounds like a compliment as top is usually good but it really means you're average.
I don't think you understood his comment right. You don't have to be stupid to not know what a bell curve is, but if you are stupid, you probably won't know what it is.
Bowlslaw ยท -1 points ยท Posted at 23:05:49 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Ah, I see. Still seems like a "smarter-than-thou" comment.
Also, I have a bachelors in physics with a mathematics minor. lulz
Considering 99% of all people can live their entire lives just fine without understanding what a bell-curve is (not including a statistics class they may have been forced to take). I'd say it doesn't have an application in most peoples lives.
The formula for gravity has a huge application in everybody's life, but for thousands of years nobody had any idea what the formula for gravity was and they got by just fine.
Forkrul ยท -1 points ยท Posted at 16:19:04 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Just because they don't know it doesn't mean it has no applications in their life. They'd almost certainly be better off if they properly understood it.
SkyNTP ยท -42 points ยท Posted at 06:54:05 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)*
Normal distributions can be found in almost everything though. Maybe it won't help you change a tire or flip burgers at McDonalds, but understanding normal distributions will give you a better understanding of how the world works and thus lead to better decision making and better jobs.
No. Because you don't understand the difference between knowledge and intelligence, and by your logic, that makes you stupid. Although by correct logic, that wouldn't actually prove you're stupid. Do you see the irony?
Just so you're aware, this reply isn't meant to be condescending. A joke isn't really funny if you have to explain it, but I feel like the explanation is necessary here.
No. Because you don't understand the difference between knowledge and intelligence
Quite a stretch to pull this from anything I said. Sure you read the right comment? Trying a bit too hard here. It's cute, don't get me wrong, and A for effort.
Not a stretch at all, it was clear from your first comment. And you seem to be a pretty insufferable person based on your comment history so I'll ignore your patronization.
You exaggerating a ton and overusing big words doesn't make you right. Of course I can explain. If you want to have this conversation, then you might as well stop being rude.
Knowledge =/= intelligence. If you don't know something because nobody ever told you or you never came to discover it, it doesn't make you stupid. It makes you uniformed or less knowledgeable in that area.
You said:
Right, you just have to be totally ignorant and not well-read. So basically, a good proxy for stupid people
You don't have to be "totally ignorant" to not know what a bell curve is. That isn't a good "proxy for stupid people". Your whole statement was ridiculous.
I didn't explain because I was wrong or incapable, I didn't bother because it seems like you're whole understanding is terribly flawed, and you can't be reasoned with. Your reply to this will determine whether or not my initial thoughts were right.
I'm exaggerating? You're the one fabricating a knowledge vs intelligence dichotomy as a premise to lecture, when in fact, that is not implied by anything I said.
overusing big words
Overuse means to use a word more than once. I don't. So, exhibit a of verbal filler on your part. Further, there wasn't a single word I used that would be considered complicated by a high school graduate. Maybe you should consult a dictionary or brush up on your vocabulary. It's clearly lacking.
You don't have to be "totally ignorant" to not know what a bell curve is
No, but if you don't know what a bell curve is (a topic that permeates all of social science and statistics) you are just plain and simple not well-read. If you are not well-read it's probably not a stretch to imagine you lack intellectual curiosity, something most intelligent people have. But please, do continue to overreact about this very simple and admittedly general commentary, seeing as you appear to enjoy your position behind the lectern and clearly have no opportunity in real life to attempt self-important sermonizing.
In case you found the above a bit difficult to decipher, feel free to visit: www.dictionary.com
Ah yes, the resort to generalization when the cat has got your tongue. Feel free to articulate a reply when you grow your big boy vocabulary.
Blues2112 ยท -1 points ยท Posted at 17:16:30 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
It doesn't need to have application in anyone's life in order to be understand. It's fairly self-explanatory, so failure to grasp it does seem to indicate a lower-level cognitive function.
e_dan_k ยท -33 points ยท Posted at 14:44:46 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
OMG. Please tell me you don't believe this. If you are dealing with probability, you need to understand the Bell Curve. And everybody deals with probability.
I know what a bell curve is, however, I also know that you do not need to know what a bell curve is in order to understand statistics. It is one method of showing a distribution among many, and visuals aren't necessary to actually understand statistics. Suggesting that everybody must know what a bell curve is is as ignorant and stupid as you are suggesting others are.
e_dan_k ยท -19 points ยท Posted at 15:53:22 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Vote it down. Stay ignorant.
It's like that scene in The Wire, where the kid learns the odds of craps and makes a ton of money. The odds of craps? Yep, that's a Bell Curve, too.
Math: it's not just for Mathematicians. Honest.
IevaFT ยท 10 points ยท Posted at 16:19:43 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
People aren't down voting because they're ignorant. People are down voting because your attitude fucking stinks.
JackLegg ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 16:15:04 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Still no one has told me what a fucking bell curve is.
When if they like being average? In the case of them actually being stupid it would mean the initial statement is actually false, given a normal distribution.
I would argue that the average person is pretty stupid. Just because you're at the middle of a distribution in a sea of retards (with a handful of geniuses skewing the IQ distribution) doesn't necessarily mean you're intelligent or even deserve to feel proud.
Can you really be considered stupid if half of the population is less intelligent than you? Is there actually a static measure for stupidity or is it relative to everyone else? Would a "genius" be considered smart if everyone else was as smart as him?
MrDTD ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:04:46 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
It's not so much that half are less intelligent than you, it's that 70% are more or less as smart as you are, with 15% on either end up and down.
Can you really be considered stupid if half of the population is less intelligent than you?
I say yes, the downvotes obviously disagree but I don't care about internet points. I've met many people with IQs of 100+ (average or above) and been flabbergasted that they even remember to breath consistently.
Is there a truly objective measure of intelligence? Probably not, it's hard to quantify. But I can still berate you for doing dumb shit
Rokusi ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 08:10:10 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Are you sure you're not simply looking down your nose at them, and so are seeing them as shit before they even have a chance to speak?
Stupid, as in unable to defend their own opinions, being decently well read, or having a good grasp on general knowledge? If that's what you mean, then yes, more than half of the population is stupid.
[deleted] ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 07:54:44 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
What qualifies as general knowledge? Or is that general knowledge? Shit, guess I'm dumb.
About 1 in 4 Americans can name more than one of the five freedoms guaranteed by the First Amendment (freedom of speech, religion, press, assembly and petition for redress of grievances.) But more than half of Americans can name at least two members of the fictional cartoon family, according to a survey.
I really want to say the only people who know this is anyone in the justice system. How often do you read only the first amendment of the constitution compared to how often each characters name is said in a 30 minute show you watch at least once a week? The average person has only read the constitution for history class. Never again have they seen it. But you see this show every week
I figured out who everyone was in TWD off 2 episodes because of the sheer frequency each name was said. The last time I personally read the constitution was 11th grade history (less than 5 years ago). So it's a little fresher in my mind than 30 year old Joe Schmoe who goes to his office job, gym, and then home to his wife everyday. The last time he read the constitution was over 10 years ago. Most people only remember freedom of speech since that's one that is the most infringed upon. When does the average person see the freedom of press, religion (I forget the other 2) infringed upon?
That survey is bogus. As for the rest of the article? It's not too bad. Not really any complaints.
Yeah, I picked the first thing I found. I disagree that the survey is not significant.
The last time he read the constitution was over 10 years ago.
That is the issue. People watch a cartoon (even though it is a good cartoon) far more than they read the document that runs their country. I think not knowing your own basic rights raises some red flags.
There are many ways to define intelligence, and not knowing basic things about your country does not makes anyone ignorant or stupid in general. After all, some people don't care about politics. But invariably, you'll find that many of these people barely know anything about math, history, literature, and so forth. They just know about their immediate surroundings (i.e. their job, whatever TV shows they watch, etc). Is that understandable? Yes. But is that also ignorance? Yes.
Which is why I think the survey is not conclusive evidence, but it is one piece of evidence in a very large pile.
kovaluu ยท 20 points ยท Posted at 05:27:53 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Oh the irony.
SSB_Seal ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 06:50:16 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Your sentence was just perfect since it works on 2 levels. First, they'd have to be dumb to interpret the comment as an insult, and second, if they were dumb, they'd find being called average a compliment.
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:00:00 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Well, I mean, I don't think that being average is so bad...
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:29:43 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
an iq of 100 is, by definition, not stupid. i think you have to get lower than 70 to be considered cognitively impaired or developmentally delayed, and a further 15 pts below that before you're retarded. maybe some redditor will be able to confirm, as i'm too fucking lazy to check. :)
I might be stupid, but isn't the top just average?
Cool-Zip ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:04:36 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The veracity of this statement is exposed by their response to it.
ace_urban ยท -3 points ยท Posted at 06:18:41 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Reminds me of my ex-girlfriend. One time she asked me if I think she's smart. I said, "I'm often astonished by your level of intelligence." She left the room looking very proud and it was a good 30 seconds before she stormed back into the room demanding to know what exactly I meant by that.
Similar to when she asked if I thought she was sexy. I said, "Well, I'm certainly not dating you for your personality." Her response was to hug me and say, "You do think I'm sexy!"
Sure, I'm kind of a dick but I was mostly joking both times...
My class was watching a movie in English and a painting came up on screen. The class started saying that it was the painting from the Titanic and then out teacher said," you're all so uneducated and ignorant". I responded with,"whose fault is that?".
[deleted] ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 18:26:26 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
When I was 9 or 10 I had a friend over. I was being annoying, as kids tend to do. My mom was really mad at me, and she told me that my friend was taught manners way better. I wanted to say "and who's fault is that?" but I would've gotten a beating if I had. Laughed about it with the friend the same day and also with my mom years later.
A coworker once told me to eat a bag of dicks. Before I could respond, another coworker butted in and said "but why would he eat them when you've already sucked off all the flavor."
I about pissed. Best response ever. Wish it had been mine.
We're a bunch of animals out here at work.
[deleted] ยท 2344 points ยท Posted at 04:07:47 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
My high school algebra teacher accused me of cheating because iI hadn't shown any of my work on a test. When I told her that I could do it in my head she said "you can't do algebra in your head" my response was "no, YOU can't do algebra in your head".
dadudemon ยท 1181 points ยท Posted at 06:18:43 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Had a similar situation in high school trig.
I had a very dickish trig teacher. Everything had to be just the way he wanted no matter how stupid or wrong it was (I know you're supposed to respect your elders, obey the rules, bla bla bla. But extremely stupid rules are tough to follow).
One day, the teacher called me out in front of everyone at the beginning of class. I think he thought to make an example of me about showing work. He said I used the trig functions on a graphing calculator to cheat. It is a dick move to do because it humiliates the student.
Being the smartass cocky little shit I was, I challenged him to a race to solve a question that was similar to the homework, on the board.
Obviously, I solved it, FIRST, with very little work, proving that asshole wrong that I cheated.
He then said, "okay. Everyone but dadudemon has to show their work."
I've never seen one but that wouldn't surprise me.
Oke_oku ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:15:07 on November 16, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
My it teacher was similar, she was bipolar and hated me and my brother. I'd alwas get 1 mark lower than the only girl in the class, even if her work was a cooking recipie.
I've had teachers rework their grading rubrics because of me... for the next year of students. Though I think at least one of those gave me the lazy genius' C.
[deleted] ยท 101 points ยท Posted at 08:24:19 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
You have my entire post history to work with, and this is the best you can come up with? I bet I could come up with something better. Here, take this dart. Whichever number you hit, that's how many something betters I'll come up with.
[deleted] ยท 55 points ยท Posted at 08:54:45 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Being smart is great! Intentionally trying to sound smart by talking in a way that is focused not on clarity of communication but rather on emphasis of the parts that are supposed to highlight that person's intelligence instead are the focus of that sub.
Nah, basically there is a difference between using big words because they more accurately express the nuance of the situation, and using big words because you want to sounds smart.
Remember,
It's supercalifragilisticexpialidocious
Even though the sound of it is something quite atrocious
If you say it loud enough, you'll always sound precocious
Hard workers are willing to do things the hard way without questioning the method. Lazy men innovate, and come up with the easy way. People claim necessity as the mother of invention, but they're just flat wrong. Sloth is the mother of invention, and wit its sire.
Lmao do I really need a source for this it's common fucking knowledge.
Dubanx ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:12:13 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)*
Yes, because there have NEVER been instances of misinformation becoming widespread. Reality really doesn't support this. Rich people have rich children. Unlucky people that work hard take it in the ass, while trust find kiddies don't work a day in their life.
Hell, I'll take it one step further. I'm definitely one of those lazy people, but make a really good salary and am liked by my bosses because I'm REALLY good at what i do. It's to the point where little effort on my part still puts me ahead of my hard working coworkers. I can be lazy and still be appreciated because I'm just that good at it.
Similarly, I broke the curve on most of my Calculus exams with 15 minutes of studying while people who studied for days failed spectacularly on their second or third attempts at the course. Lazy people really can get ahead if they're smart enough.
I said successful not part of the elite. You are right about the gulf in class though for the elite and how hard it is to work your way up there. You may be coasting through what you're doing but I bet that if you had worked harder you could have been great.
MikoSqz ยท 9 points ยท Posted at 13:45:38 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
โWhen I have a tough job in the plant and canโt find an easy way to do it,โ Mr. Bleicher said, โI have a lazy man put on it. Heโll find an easy way to do it in 10 days. Then we adopt that method.โ
That only works if the lazy person had worked hard enough to get the qualification for the job. Putting some random lazy fuck on the job won't solve shit.
Are you implying that if you're lazy you can't be smart or vice versa? I can tell you first hand that that's not true. I can also tell you second and third hand but that's less reputable. There are many different ways to classify intelligence. Some people are great academically, so more so at solving huge problems with logic and reasoning.
I'm terrible academically(especially in mathematics), part of this can be attributed to things like ADHD, ADD, OCD and other such things. But when I'm out of the classroom, discussing things like religious, social matters, government etc, I really start to shine.
The problem for me is, my teachers see how intelligent I can be outside of the classroom and automatically expect me to surpass my fellow peers. This simply isn't the case and has actually held me back in many cases because I've been put in advanced classes(because of tudor recommendations) and failed horribly.
Now I know this is going to sound like a humble brag, but I saw it best to use personal experiences to prove my point.
[deleted] ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 14:15:27 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)*
Being a lazy genius is extremely common in schooling situations though, because the curriculum that is required is aimed at the average intelligence, which means that those who are well above are able to get by doing very minimal work. This allows them to be lazy, and undisciplined, until they do run into challenges, and then they don't have the skills to work to succeed.
[deleted] ยท 8 points ยท Posted at 15:40:48 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)*
That's kinda what I'm trying to say. You don't know of any recognized geniuses that were lazy, because, well, they were lazy, and never learned how to surmount challenges. It seems as though you and I may have different definitions of genius however, where you believe that genius requires concrete results (which accounts for the genius of Einstein, for example), rather than simply having superior intellect.
[deleted] ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 16:17:55 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)*
I always managed to coast through 8 grades with little to no effort and make As and Bs. Now i don't know shit about math and just sort of accepted that I'm not going to get an A in that class. Shit hurts.
Gonna make sure my kids had a healthy respect for homework, because I didn't and its hurting me bad now.
Trust me, those who are lazy and smart come to understand it quite readily. One of the great lies told to smart kids is that intelligence begets success. In school with regular tests, this is certainly the case. Depending on how tests are weighted, you can skate by on strength of memory and reasoning. I certainly did. Arriving in the real world, though, it becomes immediately obvious that the school environment doesn't prepare you for reality, where there are very few jobs that just require cleverness.
I know you'd like to think there is some moral failing going on, but there isn't. School teaches folks of average intelligence to work hard and teaches bright folks that they can achieve to the level of their peers with minimal effort. Society then kicks both groups in the balls for not being both diligent and bright.
If you're really smart in school though you'll still work hard instead of slacking and you'll maintain that work ethic along with your smarts. That's how successful people are made.
Here you make the common mistake of confusing wisdom with intelligence. Intelligence is the ability to solve problems with available information. Wisdom is those solutions, accumulated from both foresight and hindsight. You're assuming that, just because someone is smart, they somehow are granted wisdom of things that they haven't experienced.
What you're saying doesn't make any sense. If you're very smart or genius level then you'll understand that hard work is necessary to reach your highest potential. It's simple.
You can't solve a problem that you've never been exposed to, is what I'm saying. Most smart kids are never called on to use their full potential in school.
Also there's a big difference between not being able to work as hard as your limits and not being bothered to work as hard as the school system will allow you which is what a lot of lazy smart people do and they turn out to be unsuccessful
But work to what end? To learn? Smart kids learn with less work than is required of them in school.
[deleted] ยท 13 points ยท Posted at 10:58:39 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
It is still important to show it though. Not for yourself, but so the examiner can see where you made mistakes and if you can still get marks. I don't know much about American exams, but not showing working in a UK exam is asking to fail.
He then said, "okay. Everyone but dadudemon has to show their work."
Not to take the dick teachers side, But you actually need to show your working in a test, which is what the questions are there to perfect.
For example, If I did 2 simultaneous equations 5x - 4y = 6 , 2x + 4y =8 , You could very easily figure out what x and y are quite quickly, but you wouldn't get full marks in the exam for just writing down x=2, y=1
dadudemon ยท -1 points ยท Posted at 04:47:44 on November 16, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I now have 5 degrees and about 6 years of college math classes under my belt.
I really really don't give a shit about showing my work on 3 steps of trig identity proofs. Never had a problem in any college courses from my math professors, as well.
B-Knight ยท 13 points ยท Posted at 13:07:23 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I hear that bullshit all the time about 'respect your elders and teachers blah blah'
When the truth is, if they give respect to you then you give it back. Just because I'm a kid doesn't mean I have any less rights than anyone else. You disrespect me, you get disrespect back. That doesn't make me a little shit that makes me a human being.
I know you're stroking your ego because you humiliated a teacher, but math isn't always about speed. When it gets difficult or is used in field, accuracy is far more important. You can have hundreds of calculations with several values for certain terms and effective working is essential for finding mistakes. The teacher wasn't trying to burden your life with pain and misery, he was just trying to teach you a useful habit from his own experience.
Relatedish: I was one of those guys that programmed stuff on his TI calculator (83+ Silver Edition thank you very much). Math teacher's rule: Had to pass a quiz/test without them first, showing work, etc. Then once that was done, I could use the programs I'd made.
ratsby ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:51:38 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)*
I had a teacher who said if you're able to program it, that means you know how to do it.
Edit: This was just in Algebra 1.
One of my classes was CommTech. Can't remember what it was short for, but it was about digital art and photography. On our tests we were allowed to listen to headphones. My teacher said of we made a podcast of the content, we probably knew it pretty well.
Your username sounds like a Pokรฉmon. Can you draw it please?
nyrol ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:49:45 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I had a teacher in elementary school that would take off points if our equals signs weren't parallel. No one talked smart to him. Not that I remember anyway....it's all just a blur.
I had a similar experience grsohing trig functions on a test. Luckily we had a teacher that would give full credit for right answers. She said nobody will be able graph them all correctly without showing work. I took it as a challenge That 100 with no work except for the graphs never felt so good.
where I'm from we HAVE to hsow work even though we don't need to because showing work is where your marks some from or something
[deleted] ยท 155 points ยท Posted at 06:13:02 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)*
What's wrong with your teacher, I KNOW you can do algebra in your head, it's really easy. I've done it lots of times.
EDIT: Can you guys please stop asking me to do math for you. I'm not a calculator just cause I can do algebra easily you know. Also, I'm pretty sure one of these problems is actually someones homework.
No problem at all. I'm just terrible at math, so I get butthurt about people who are good at it. Not because of jealousy but because they're often the ones who say things like "it's so easy", " if you just tried", "it's so simple" etc. I just comes off condescending and constantly puts me down. No harm done:)
[deleted] ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 14:24:18 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Didn't realize I was making you feel bad. But I feel exactly like that when people talk about how easy it is to make a game via programming.
No. I didn't strike me that they said it incorrectly in the movie. My bad.
[deleted] ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 18:16:35 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
OK. But wait. You didn't strike you? Maybe you should try again you horny toothbrush you.
[deleted] ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 18:16:45 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
OK. But wait. You didn't strike you? Maybe you should try again you horny toothbrush you.
Rosetti ยท 8 points ยท Posted at 15:52:56 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Why does everyone get so upset about teachers asking students to show their work?
Unless you're literally getting 100% on every single test, you should show your work. It demonstrates your understanding, it helps your teacher help you if you are going wrong, and if you do go wrong at some step of the solution, you can still get marks for the parts you've done right.
I swear people who complain about having to show working are just trying to humble brag.
dupelize ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 19:49:28 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
A lot of people do get 100% of the answers correct and lose points for not showing work. This was true for a lot of my friends in HS up until calculus. Clearly we weren't smart of we would have just written the damn work on the page.
I am now on the other side of the fence and require my students to show their work (right? what a dick!). In the years between I realized how unimportant getting the right answer is if you can't convince somebody else it is correct or explain why it makes sense.
You can call it a humble brag if you want, but it doesn't seem like bragging to me when it is true for such a large group of people. A lot of people are good at math; a lot of people aren't. For some reason people see being good at math as the same as being smart. I'm good at math. I can't write a paper if my life depended on it (okay, I can write one, but it won't be good). It doesn't mean I'm smart or dumb, I just find math pretty easy.
He didn't mean it as a compliment I think. He means "you get upvoted for saying how smart you are, and I get downvoted for my opinio and it's not fair",
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:29:15 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
My mistake. I just woke up and really aren't paying close attention. Still need to give my brain a little more time to completely power on.
Shimata ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:44:16 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Cool
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:13:43 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I know a few people who struggle to do algebra on paper.
Not everyone has the exact same level of maths proficiency, it's the one subject I hear people complaining is difficult more than anything else.
dev2488 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 21:40:58 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Come on...do math...
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 21:44:24 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I don't want to. I browse reddit to relax. Not to be reminded of the school work that I've done my entire life. I'm done with that part. Now if you'll excuse me, I need to go take care of someon----thing. I meant something.
dev2488 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:12:21 on November 16, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Surprised that you didn't get the Family Guy reference
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:32:29 on November 16, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
You may not know this because you're obviously so much smarter than everyone else, but most people need to use a calculator or other instrument for advanced math.
I'm terrible at math. So people that are good at it piss me off because they sit there on the high horse and say things like "it's so simple", "it's easy come on" etc and they think their better than me for it. Like for some reason being good at math makes you the shining pinnacle of human intelligence.
Oh! Untill this thread I had a wrong concept what you guys are doing on algebra. In my country we don't distinguish it that way. You finish HS just calling it math. What we call Algebra starts with vectors, matrices, rings etc.
I thought you were operating on matrices in your head. That'd be nice.
[deleted] ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 19:04:53 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Oh no. It was what we called Algebra 1. Simple quadratic equations. She just wasn't that bright.
dupelize ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 19:50:43 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I can operate on matrices in my head... as long as one of them is the identity and the other one isn't too big.
There was a scene almost exactly like this in Day After Tomorrow except it was for Calculus not Algebra.
Edit: Couldn't find a video of it but Imdb had the dialogue
Jack Hall: [on Sam failing calculus] I'm not angry. I'm disappointed.
Sam Hall: Do you wanna hear my side of it?
Jack Hall: Sam, how can there be two sides?
Sam Hall: Hey, look, I got every question right on the final and the only reason why Mr. Spengler failed me was
because I didn't write out the solutions.
Jack Hall: Why not?
Sam Hall: I do them in my head.
Jack Hall: Did you tell him that?
Sam Hall: I did. He didn't believe me. He said if he couldn't do them in his head then I must be cheating.
Jack Hall: Well, that's ridiculous! How can he fail you for being smarter than he is?
Sam Hall: That's what I said.
Jack Hall: [smirks] You did? How'd he take it?
Sam Hall: He flunked me, remember?
[deleted] ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 06:08:32 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Well? Were you cheating?
[deleted] ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 19:08:03 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
No. I told her I'd prove it by having her make up a question and I'd do it on the blackboard right in front of her. I did and they moved me to the AP math class which I was pissed about because I wanted the easy A. I also got detention for being a smart ass.
iI?! Has Apple finally released an avatar on the market?
[deleted] ยท 15 points ยท Posted at 08:01:42 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I hated when this happened. I had a teacher a long while back who make me redo an assignment because I completed it quickly in the allotted time in class. She accused me of doing it while she was teaching.
No, you're just slow. That's why you teach 7/8th graders - too old to be cute or nice, young enough to where you don't need to be smart to teach them.
dcrico20 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 16:32:00 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
"No YOU can't make fun of retarded people...I'm great at it."
Gufnork ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:27:06 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Why accuse you of cheating on a test you must have failed?
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:03:05 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I had 100%. It was basic algebra.
Gufnork ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 20:02:26 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
How can you get 100% if you don't show any of your work? That's like 2/3rds of the points. Either you grade the work or you don't require the students to show the work.
Faugh ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 20:01:54 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Interesting. I remember doing algebra in my head in middle school but I fucking hated writing it down, so the teachers did that to me, too. I ended up hating math class because of it and never pursued it further, but in retrospect I was good.
The year I did my math finals the people writing the test fucked up and made it too hard. My math teacher came to us and said 'Some teachers have aaid that they couldn't solve it. Considering that about half of you have aced it I think it says more about them than the test.'
This was me in school. How do you know this is right? You didn't show your work.
Um... I'm not retarded, just because you deal with math illiterates doesn't mean I should suffer through all the extra tedious work they require
jorstck ยท -1 points ยท Posted at 17:33:20 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Just last week, in my pre-calculus class, my teacher approached me and my friend, who hadn't even started the assignment that was given to us like 20 minutes before. I'm a sophomore in high school, in a mostly-senior class, but I'm still one of the smartest in the class, and she knows it. She looked at my blank page, smiled, then looked at me, and asked "Where's your work?" I look at her and say "Mrs. McFadden, its all about mental capacity. Its about how much can you do in your head." I look at a random question on the paper, and in 10 seconds, I tell her the answer. She was amazed. My classmates were amazed. I felt like a badass for being able to answer a math question in my head.
Ixolich ยท -2 points ยท Posted at 08:17:24 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I went through pre-calc 95% mentally. I wish I could've had a snappy comeback like that.
So this was my Grandpa. This was when i was 12 years old. My entire family went to Disneyland during Thanksgiving. On Thanksgiving day we went to a restaurant for dinner and the waitress came to take our order. My grandpa ordered first.
Grandpa: id like your turkey plate.
Waitress: O sorry we are out of that.
Grandpa: ok then ill take the meatloaf
Waitress: im sorry we are out of that too
Grandpa: fine ill have the bone in ribeye
Waitress: we are out of that too.
My grandpa got fed up and we all decided to go somewhere else to eat. As we were leaving the restaurant. My grandpa walked up to their specials chalk board erased it and wrote Out of Everything. Then left. I miss that man.
Uggh, this is a pet peeve of mine. I'm indecisive as fuck when it comes to what to order, so I will have already spent a good portion of time considering what I want. When I finally decide what I want and then get told they don't have, I get upset. Because it's taken me so damn long to decide what I want, suddenly nothing but what I wanted looks good.
Have left many places.
[deleted] ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 19:22:23 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
IsaacMTSU ยท 37 points ยท Posted at 06:33:41 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
When my little brother was just 4 years old, my dad and I were walking into a store holding his hands. It was really busy inside and when the doors opened and he saw everybody he said "MAN, look at all these fucking people!", our dad immediately said "Hey! You don't say that!". He just looked up and said "yeah I do, sometimes..."
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 07:08:10 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
My personal favorite is "doubt it!"
[deleted] ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 08:21:08 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Haha!
unbn ยท -1 points ยท Posted at 06:46:37 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
ZOMG ULTRA DESTWOYED. LE MASTER TROLE HERE EVERYONE!!
powelly ยท 488 points ยท Posted at 09:19:19 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Old employer drove a porche and had a disability, he parked in a disabled bay, put his badge on the dashboard and was getting out when an old guy started shouting at him "oi what's your disability"
Similar story, I've had many a surgery and have a handicap sticker as well from it. Parked in a handicap stop and an older gent comes up and rudely remarks, thinking that I was faking/didn't need the handicap sticker, "Need some help getting out your wheelchair?" (Mind you, I'm walking okay and don't have a wheelchair" Without missing a beat I turn around and respond "No, but keep it up and you might need one."
The look on his face was priceless.
[deleted] ยท 15 points ยท Posted at 17:18:47 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Because people with money can't have disabilities and people with disabilities can't have money. What the fuck is wrong with people?
Didn't you know? People with disabilities are different, and normal people are the only ones who have nice things. /s
[deleted] ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 04:37:07 on November 16, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Friend of a friend got a nice settlement from a botched surgery that had him in the hospital waiting on death's door for months. He survived, got a sweet Cadillac and is a really awesome person. He's also way too young to own a car that nice or be disabled.
We pull up to a restaurant and he parks in a handicapped spot, hangs his permit and gets out. Naturally, someone gives him the stink-eye. Without a word, he lifts his shirt - revealing about a dozen long, pronounced scars across his chest and abdomen. I've never seen someone change their attitude so fast.
Waxgains ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 16:06:56 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
That must have been one big parking space.
xixoxixa ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 03:52:32 on November 16, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I've got disabled parking tags for a back injury, but I only use it when I'm having a shit day pain wise. I always feel like a tool, because I don't look disabled. If someone ever makes a comment, I'm stealing your bosses response.
I knew of a veteran who got his lower leg blown off (by a motor hitting it. How on earth he survived, he doesn't know).
Young guy, prosthetic leg, still worked out at army level, definitely didn't appear disabled, but he'd use the badge if it would only take a minute or of there was hardly anyone in the lot and plenty of other spots reserved.
Well a cop stormed up to him as he got out of his car and just went off on him for using fake badges and taking the spots from the elderly just because he was lazy and he had no right an-
Leg plops on the hood of the car
...stunned silence as the cop takes it in and comprehends how this "kid" just detached his leg
He didn't get a ticket that day.
[deleted] ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 17:28:42 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
This can easily be a compliment as well, depending on the context.
[deleted] ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 17:39:19 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I like this because it leaves them with no proper way to complain to your manager about your comment. If they do, they're openly admitting that they were acting like an asshole.
To make it clear, I can't use this in the from of my mother language, because it would make a weird form of sentence. Unless there's another guy who could translate it better because I'm using google translate to type this reply.
g0atmeal ยท 19 points ยท Posted at 06:37:40 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Works for saints and asshats alike!
crlast86 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 08:16:50 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
In Puerto Rico we say something similar when one is about to eat, "que te caiga como te caigo yo" which says something along the lines of "may your food digest as well as you like me"
A guy held the door for a middle-aged woman (with way too much makeup on her face), who said "don't you assume I can't get the door myself just because I'm a woman!" The guy replied "Oh, I didn't hold it because you're a woman; I held it because you're old!"
Why would someone be pissed that the door was held open for them? That's usually seen as a nice gesture.
[deleted] ยท 17 points ยท Posted at 17:27:31 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
In a case like above, the woman sees the gesture as an offensive reinforcement of gender roles because the guy 'has' to hold the door open for the woman, presumably.
[deleted] ยท 8 points ยท Posted at 18:02:57 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Well I mean I do too, but it's not uncommon on Reddit to hear stories of people taking a guy holding a door open for a woman like that. I say on Reddit because I've personally never run in to it, but I also don't doubt it's happened so eh.
tyrico ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 18:25:05 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Anyone who gets mad about this is dumb. It's just common courtesy to hold the door regardless of gender.
_Aurora_ ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 00:22:24 on November 16, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I usually hold the door open for everyone.
If anyone has a problem with that, I let it slam on them.
I would've thought it was because she wouldn't be able to see very well with all that clown makeup caked on her face.
[deleted] ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 17:17:11 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I've never had anyone complain about me holding the door for them, but I'd love for it to happen so I can just let the door close in their face and walk away without dignifying their stupidity with a reply.
Working on a MASSIVE commercial site for the largest Grocery chain in Australia. Very serious OH&S and we've all been told to ace the job so we get more work from these guys.
The site foreman made a half-joke and said that the job would be done a lot faster if the Air-Con guys (us) pulled their fingers out.
My apprentice, without skipping a beat "out of your missus or daughter?"
the entire situation and authority of the guy he said it to combined with his apprentice status just made it fucking fantastic!
The bloke he said it to was KIIIND'VE ok with it, the apprentice was already in a bit of trouble that week so I didn't see much gain in robbing him in. He's still with us _^
Oke_oku ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 10:31:45 on November 16, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Ok
sar2121 ยท 442 points ยท Posted at 04:48:45 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I was trying to help a friend a while back, and he said I was useless. Without thinking, I said "just like your daddy's condom." He still is a little butt hurt from that.
Yes! Right after we beat the crap out of you for resisting arrest!
[deleted] ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 20:07:42 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I never understand why people try to make police officers lives difficult with BS like "am I being detained" and smart-assery. They're doing their jobs, unless they're trying to arrest you for something completely unreasonable then there is no reason to be purposefully rude or unhelpful.
Cops are part of a branch of government, and that means they work for us. They have a responsibility and duty to protect and benefit our lives. I'm just living my life doing nothing wrong and any interaction with them is immediately hostile on their end and am treated like a threat. Knowing and exercising your rights wanting to go on about your day without being treated like a criminal is not being a smart ass.
Also, I think it's just human nature to not want to interact with an armed person who can arrest, assault, or even murder you and can most likely get away with it.
I hate the "just doing their job" excuse. A butcher is just doing his job, but I bet a chicken isn't okay with having its head chopped off.
It's because you have certain rights when you're not being detained, like being able to leave, but you have other rights when you are being detained. For example, if you are being detained and the cops call for a drug dog and it takes hours to get there, the search will be kicked because they took longer to get the dog there than it would have taken to give you a ticket. If you're not being detained but choose to hang around, your rights weren't infringed upon and the search is legal. I'm not a lawyer and I'm sure there are better examples. Also, if you're not being detained, you can leave. If you are, you can't. I don't belligerently yell "am I being detained???" at cops, but I do politely say "I mean no disrespect, sir, but I don't want to answer any questions. Am I free to go?" and I have yet to have a cop be a dick about it, although they always seem to try to get you to answer a random innocuous question as a parting shot.
Nosrac88 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 22:59:58 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
gets handcuffed
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:30:10 on November 16, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Does it hurt to be that much of a savage?
Talnic ยท 173 points ยท Posted at 16:02:26 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Start of Star Wars episode 2 midnight release, "A long time ago in a galaxy far, far away." Displays on the screen. Smart ass yells out, "SHIT, I've seen this one!" The theater erupted in laughter for the opening sequence.
Kazzack ยท 14 points ยท Posted at 21:05:07 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I did something similar when I saw the Death Note movie. There's a scene toward the end where Misa is being chased by the stalker, and the stalker says something like, "I want to send you to be with your mother and father". I said, out loud, "That's not how you flirt with girls". It got a good laugh.
S4VY ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 07:24:03 on November 16, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
By "erupted in laughter" do you mean "got one response that sounded vaguely like a chuckle?" Because that's what my money's on.
Did something similar. At the end of the hobbit midnight screening I said "Goddamn Disney took starwars into a weird direction" it was pretty well received.
Yesterday I was flying up to New York and one of the flight attendants was talking to a little boy and this is how it went...
Flight attendant: "Wow!! You're four years old? Are you in school??"
Little boy: "No, I'm in an airplane."
About a month before my mom had surgery, I planned a trip to her favorite Chinese restaurant to eat at one last time. Me, My husband, my brothers, my sister-in-law, my cousin, my aunt, and my parents all showed up. My aunt had never been there, and she got there first along with my cousin. As my aunt's looking at the menu, my brothers and SIL walk in and sit down and she asks them what's in almond chicken. They all respond, at the same time, "Chicken with almonds" and then bust out laughing. About 10 minutes later, my husband and I show up and she asks me the same question. "Chicken with almonds" is my response, without even thinking, and my brothers and SIL burst out laughing. They explain why and my husband and I start laughing. 5 or so minutes later, my parents walk in and sit down. She turns to them, asks what's in almond chicken. "Chicken with almonds" comes out of my dad's mouth and the whole table loses it. Without any warning from anyone, 3 different groups of people gave the same smart-ass response to my poor aunt. That was about 4 years ago, and I still text her "chicken with almonds" whenever I remember to.
aarchaput ยท 27 points ยท Posted at 08:07:53 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I was visiting my uncle and family. They had made a nice dinner. We started eating, and my uncle realizes something, "We forgot to say grace!" At once, my aunt, uncle, and I all said, "Grace!"
Someone asked a waiter at my restaurant to describe a side dish: "fries with herbs." He just blinked for a few seconds and then said "see, we take these French fries and we toss them with some herbs..."
My boyfriends dad was pretty wasted and making a joke about his "toolshed" while rubbing his belly and grabbing his junk. "you have to have a good toolshed to protect your tools!" his wife chimes in saying "yeah but you'll never know how rusty they really are" magic.
Doulich ยท -2 points ยท Posted at 15:06:55 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
yeah, tools get pretty rusted when you get them wet.
Can we toot our own horns on this one? There was a post on pics a while ago of a bunch of creep shots and someone commented "posts like this make me very uncomfortable..." and I wrote "You're telling me, I'm wearing tight pants!"
Needless to say, it was heavily downvoted.
I rode my bike, and I went to the store.
I rode my bike; I went to the store.
There's your difference in using a comma or a semicolon. It connects thoughts in the same way a comma does, but allows you to skip the conjunctive ('and').
/u/waffles350 used it incorrectly, he should have used a comma as there was no conjunctive to connect, facilitating the semicolon.
EDIT: now, if he had said:
"And semicolons, in addition to all that MORECONNECTEDSTATEMENTHERE",
he could have removed the "in addition to all that", and just had:
Actually it can be used in place of either a comma or a period. That's why it's a period stacked on top of a comma. In fact there is a movement to entirely eliminate both and replace them with the semicolon. I'm for it, of you ask me.
That's why some people on Reddit need to learn to use them. Clearly I'm one of those people. That was the joke, anyway.
Edit: I see what you did there. You failed to use a semicolon where it was needed. Have an internet point. ;)
They should have some sitewide thing on here that pretends to celebrate Shit Reddit Says, then after a day or two shadowban everyone who posted in support. Boom, problem solved.
Yeah, I got heavily downvoted for making a joke about the guy who tackled the suicide bomber. I guess it was in bad taste, but come on. This is reddit.
Bazuka125 ยท 15 points ยท Posted at 10:14:20 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Nurum ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:56:28 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
If were talking favorite witty post there was an article on fark a few years ago about a pharmacists who shot a black kid who tried to rob him. The kids name was Antwun.
The first comment was "two in the chest Antwun in the head"
I still chuckle at that one.
thumpas ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:58:36 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
So long as we are self-tooting, I'm quite proud of this comment of mine.
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 09:11:19 on November 16, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
gmnitsua ยท 26 points ยท Posted at 15:59:35 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Boss was cutting a length of copper pipe 8 inches long. He says, "can't you eyeball 8 inches? I can cut it without measuring. I see 8 inches all the time!"
Coworker chimes in, "He must be a really nice guy!"
The wise words of my grandpa. My little cousin was having a fit at Thanksgiving one year. My grandpa came in and asked her what was wrong and she proceeded to shout, "I'M PISSED OFF"(First time she'd ever said anything like that.) My grandpa without missing a beat goes, "Well, it's better to be pissed off than pissed on." I still use it to this day. Thanks Grandpa.
[deleted] ยท 114 points ยท Posted at 07:01:45 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Unless you're into that kind of thing.
[deleted] ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 10:47:19 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
My grandpa has told me this my entire life. Always helps when I'm pissed off, my boyfriend says I don't stay mad long. Thanks to my grandpa I don't waste time being angry. That man and his redneck sayings have taught me a lot about life.
L00fah ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:35:01 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
slowshot ยท 191 points ยท Posted at 06:00:54 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I pulled up to a regular pizza customer's house, knocked on the door. Rather than the usual Dad, Mom comes to the door, reaches to the table to get the cash. It was gone. She tells me. "Just a sec!" She turns toward the inside of the house and yells at her teen-aged sons, "If that pizza money isn't out here in 30 seconds, I'm gonna kick both of you in the nuts so hard you are going have to pee like girls for a month." The younger one came running like a like an Olympic relay runner with the money out front.
My very quiet, conservative grandma just recently had a heart attack while on a morning walk around her neighborhood.
She felt dizzy and fainted on the side of the road in someone's yard. The middle aged woman who's yard she fell into ran out and woke her up asking "Should I call an ambulance??"
And my grandma managed a sassy "Honey... What the hell do you think?"
"Why Jon? Why you gotta slap dicks outta my mouth? I got them all placed in there organized by color and size and you just stroll by and slap em outta my mouth. Fuck you Jon"
Haha he's a very popular British stand up comedian who occasionally uses that line as a response to hecklers. Obviously it gets used elsewhere in the world.
Soliduok ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 14:28:24 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Don't know if he was the first, but Chris Rock did it before Jimmy Carr.
busboi ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 05:53:41 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Bingo... I was waiting to see this one. I was a line cook for several years of college and this was one of my favorites. Also..."I can't understand what you're saying. Take the dicks out of your mouth when your talking to me"
[deleted] ยท -4 points ยท Posted at 16:14:53 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
and every ass has a crack.
Anconia80 ยท 45 points ยท Posted at 15:02:55 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Buddy of mine had his first kid, family is at the hospital for support. Buddy says, "if nothing else, I can at least prove I'm not a virgin anymore." His dad pipes up, "nope, you can only prove your wife isn't a virgin."
HooksaN ยท 316 points ยท Posted at 11:02:29 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)*
Doing a group exercise at Uni and there were 5 in the group: 2 (very good-looking) girls, me, a really nice but quiet, fairly beta guy...
...and a very alpha wannabe guy who was very passive aggressive and desperate to show off to the girls.
Well Mr Loudmouth was taking over everything and trying to tell everyone what to do. ...and every time me or the other guy suggested anything or put forward any ideas he would interrupt with stuff like:
"c'mon, don't try and take over, we're all working together"
He was getting in the way, interrupting etc and causing a lot of looks and eye rolls among the group. Noone could be bothered to say too much to him coz he would overreact and cause more disruption... so everyone just worked around him.
Until he finally talked over quiet guy (who was making an important suggestion) with
"c'mon now man. There is no 'I' team"
To which the quiet guy, without missing a beat just snapped and responded
"no, but there is a U in CUNT"
Bluesfire ยท 51 points ยท Posted at 11:18:53 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
That is beautiful.
Remued ยท 9 points ยท Posted at 14:38:32 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
HooksaN ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 22:37:48 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Not twice, anyway
[deleted] ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 22:09:08 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Did he at least shut up after that?
HooksaN ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 22:21:35 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)*
Yes. He struggled for a comeback, had nothing... and then tried to 'high Road' it by telling him 'not to use that language in front of the girls'. They laughed.
Thameus ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 15:10:07 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 09:14:59 on November 16, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Oooh...right in the feels..
[deleted] ยท -56 points ยท Posted at 14:29:21 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
[deleted]
spuddeh ยท 36 points ยท Posted at 16:38:36 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Nope. In this case OP is the object of the sentence, so he would say me.
[deleted] ยท 12 points ยท Posted at 17:25:10 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Ouch. I felt that through my monitor.
FPSWizzy ยท 146 points ยท Posted at 05:55:32 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Guy #1: "You look gay in your new profile pic"
Guy #2: "That's not what your mom said"
Guy #1: "But she was thinkin it, mate"
[deleted] ยท 8 points ยท Posted at 13:33:53 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
This sounds like something from the Inbetweeners.
fastshift ยท 112 points ยท Posted at 09:44:30 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
This mom came into a coffee shop with her son and her puppy in her arms. However, the owner had allergies so he's had a sign put up "no dogs allowed, thank you." This girl who was working there tried to ask her to leave.
"Ma'am, you can't have dogs in here."
The woman went, pointing at her puppy, "this is my son. You cant kick my son out," while raising her voice.
So the owner comes and requests her to leave.
The woman angrily responded saying how the puppy was her son. And her actual human son went along saying how the puppy was his brother.
After a moment of thinking, the owner said the following:
"I'm sorry ma'am. I didnt realize he (the puppy) was your son. In that case, all you bitches can leave now. Thank you."
Her face went bright red claiming she was going to sue him or whatever, while everyone in the shop was cracking up.
Edit: spelling
Oke_oku ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 05:17:46 on November 16, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I know this is the internet, and no one will believe me but our dog is the favorite child in my family.
My girlfriend leaves lights on all the time. We've gotten to a point that if she leaves one on I just clap and hear "argh" from her side of the bed and she gets up and turns off the bathroom light.
Mid 80's, I was blasting Metallica and my mom had enough. She comes in making fun of my music saying its saying "Devil devil devil! Kill kill kill! I looked at her and said "mom, how did you know the lyrics" 10 year old me was quite impressed.
Dad is sitting on the couch, mom is screaming and fighting, he doesn't say a word. She finally comes in and yells "You lazy bastard, you haven't even lifted a finger". My dad looks at her smiles, and flipped her off.
I grew up in a super conservative christian family. As my taste in music grew some christian metal made it onto my play list. Some elderly folks from our church were visiting our new home after a move. I was the only one home and was unpacking the living room with my metal blaring. She asked me how I could listen to, "that garbage" and I informed her that it was a song about a guy being healed from cancer by an angel. The confusion, embarrassment, and later shame as she realized her borderline blasphemy more than make up for some of the terrible terrible christian rock I listened to in my youth.
Hahaha, oh man, I worked in a very huge church that has satellite locations all over. They had a restaurant, voted one of the very best in the city, and at one point one of the Christian kids left his Christian rap music on by accident. (We had been sorting sandwiches for homeless the night before, after closing.) About a dozen people asked what kind of DEVIL MUSIC was this and how the church could support a thing!? in just the few minutes it took for management to correct it back to "conventional" Christian music. Unlike your elderly folk, they didn't feel at all bad when learning it was a Christian singer. Such is life, dude.
S3LLouT ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 09:56:26 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
[deleted] ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 07:46:56 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
"Is that your IQ or the number of friends you have?" Overheard from a giant fat guy in response to being flipped off during a dispute over a parking space in Boston. Still makes me laugh.
I am one of the coaches for my son's football team. They are all 8-9 years old. Boys are all talking about if they are going to play next year. One boy says "I'm not playing next year" My son bursts out "I was waiting for you to start playing this year."
PBR303 ยท 203 points ยท Posted at 04:17:46 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I'd agree with you, but then we'd both be wrong.
[deleted] ยท 8 points ยท Posted at 06:09:56 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Great, now I can use this when my brother and I get in an argument.
481x462 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 15:16:17 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
When I was a kid, the family was watching tv one evening. My brother, being a smart ass, farted and said "there's a kiss for ya dad!". My dad without missing a beat said "you need to go brush your teeth!" I laughed for a good long time on that one!
[deleted] ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 14:07:43 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
When you give someone a kiss, you can smell their breath. So, by telling him to go brush his teeth, he is essentially saying that his farts were smelly.
Everything above this I, at most, chuckled at. This made me double-over laughing with that "I'm going to bust some veins if I don't stop" feeling. I don't know why.
This is a story my dad told me about his psychology class in college. In this classroom, one could look out the window and see a tree that was in the middle of a roundabout like division in the road. Basically a big patch of grass and a tree dividing a focal area of road that people had to drive around.
Prof: Jim, I want you to convince me that tree over there exists.
Dad: Well, I can see it, I can touch it, I could taste it if I wanted to....
Prof: That's not good enough, I'm not convinced that it exists. What else?
Dad: Well, we are talking about it so we are aware of it, if I knocked on it I could hear it...
Prof: That's good, but I'm still not convinced. I don't believe that the tree really exists. What else?
Dad: Look, when I drive home today, I'm going to drive down that road, and drive around that tree and go home. You can drive down that road and continue going straight. Then you can tell your insurance agent that the damage to your car doesn't really exist...
Class lost their shit. Prof steamed silently, knew he'd been had.
A guy at work (I'll call him John) was dating a co-worker. She turned out to be a bitch, they broke up, and she got engaged to some other guy. When this info broke, someone asked, "who's the lucky guy?". Another co-worker replied, "John".
The long haired dude said "you are what you eat". If the taunter says "no I said you're a pussy, not a dick", he's implying that the long haired guy eats dicks.
It doesn't work because you called him a pussy too. It's basically saying, "you're a pussy and you eat pussy but you also eat dick". Which doesn't really make sense.
Maybe I'm being thick but surely this isn't a very good comeback. Am I understanding correctly that he's saying he is a pussy because he eats pussy?
a) It doesn't necessarily imply the other guy eats dick, just that he doesn't eat pussy and
b) He is still admitting to being a pussy
mdogm ยท 239 points ยท Posted at 01:59:52 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
In response to "don't be a smartass". I usually say "would you rather me be a dumbass?"
DrBillios ยท 217 points ยท Posted at 04:12:31 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)*
My dad used to use this one:
Dad: "Got brains in your butt?"
Me: "What? No."
Dad: "Dumbass."
Later...
Dad: "Got brains in your butt?"
Me: "Sure."
Dad: "Smartass."
You have neurons (brain cells) going from your esophagus to your anus, about as many as there are in a rat's brain. It's sometimes called the "second brain." So yes, we all have brains in our butts.
That would be a good joke for a subway commercial I think. Said by a guy in one of their hats while he (way too happily) chops vegetables and puts them out behind the glass. Or maybe while he's assembling someones sandwich. The customer would be a perky blonde soccer mom of course. Possibly with two kids (a boy in baseball gear or jeans and a white long sleeve shirt under a black tee, and a girl in a either a black leotard with legwarmers and a colorful scrunchie or a white and yellow sundress with black patent shoes). The mom would need to laugh way too hard, too. Maybe the is black.
That's a common one, but it found its way into Monzy's Pimping Lemma. I'm most impressed with this lyric though:
I said "honey, have you got dynamic loading support?
'Cause I think I have a package for you to import."
She's like, "Mmm yeah, but is your package extensible?"
[deleted] ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 16:00:29 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Seems like I could really root this guy's kit, if you know what I mean.
My boyfriend told me:
"The smartest thing to ever come out of your mouth was my dick."
I was at a party once. A girl was going on about how her boyfriend wasn't smart and that girls were more intelligent. She goes "You know the smartest thing a woman ever said was?" My friend cut her off and said "A man once told me." She was not amused.
Doughy123 ยท 10 points ยท Posted at 12:07:00 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I still don't get it, how is that a witty thing to say to your GF.
"I'd tell you to go fuck yourself but I'd fear it would be the best pussy you'll ever have"
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:40:33 on November 16, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
You could get the best pussy ever if you'd only go fuck yourself.
Cb_850 ยท 48 points ยท Posted at 14:43:54 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
An 8 year old kid I babysit was adopted from Russia when he was about a year old. His family is really open about it and it's pretty cool. Well, one time his mom had him at a play date with some little girl and her mom. Everyone there knows he's adopted EXCEPT the little girl. So, she was being a snot (as little girls are), and said something along the lines of "well you're an alien! Your parents bought you!" Boy stops dead in his tracks, looks at his mom and yells "IM ADOPTED?!?" Mom follows along with the trolling and responds with "I'm so sorry sweetie, we didn't want you to know. Yes, we bought you. You are an alien to this place." Boy pretends to be distraught, little girl feels terrible, little girl's mom is horrified at this level of sarcasm and trolling.
I have atrocious handwriting. My (bad-tempered) teacher looked over at my assignment once and said "Your handwriting's getting worse" and I said "Your personality's getting worse!" She didn't know what to say. Everyone laughed.
Another time at school. We had this awesome, funny teacher, a handsome guy who would say outrageous things. He would jokingly flirt with an English teacher, a grumpy, fat woman. He joked to her in front of us that he had spent Saturday morning with her. She primly said "Saturday morning, I was in church." And with a roguish grin, he said "Yeah, and let's just say you had a lot to confess about!"
[deleted] ยท 38 points ยท Posted at 14:33:35 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Yeah, that's sexual harassment
janzboi ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 22:44:55 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I was in a small group discussion and this guy was speaking really quietly. Another guy (who, ironically, is quiet himself) said, in the middle of whatever whisper-spiel the first guy was on, "Can you speak louder than not at all?"
HaroldSax ยท 157 points ยท Posted at 04:35:10 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)*
My nephew (5 years old) was being rather ornrey on day, and wouldn't come inside to eat. His father comes up to him after he got his tantrum out and said "You going to come in and eat dinner now?" to which this little guy responded "I don't know, are we going to have good food tonight?"
[deleted] ยท 52 points ยท Posted at 10:10:47 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)*
ananori ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:12:42 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
You know, at that age I kind of assumed if food was shit, everyone else was aware it was shit too. How could they not see that fried liver with onions is disgusting?
I also had thoughts like this when someone's dad was really ugly and started wondering how their parents aren't divorced yet.
Vitorfg ยท 502 points ยท Posted at 02:39:22 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I saw this video a while back of this really really douche guy,like he was a grade a douche and he said shit like "women make lines for guys like me" which i don't think was true cuz he looked skinny and weird. But anyway,this bitter fat girl in the crowd gets up and start screaming at him and she says "well yeah i would be at the end of that line!" And he says "well if you hit the treadmill a little more you would be at the front" lmfao
Jergen ยท 99 points ยท Posted at 05:08:04 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
For the record, thats an act the guy put on for a while. Faux name is Dick Masterson, and the link is here.
Z4KJ0N3S ยท 28 points ยท Posted at 09:43:47 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
im very, very new to reddit, and dont see the significance of it being lower case.
Vitorfg ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 13:50:37 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Guys here on reddit told me his name was Dick Masterson and it happened on Dr. Phil. I'm on Android and don't know how to link stuff,sorry
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 09:16:02 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Should have e said that they make the line to keep him out.
DeJay323 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 09:25:55 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Don't you dare talk poorly about Dick Masterson.
sadkjas ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:52:20 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
When you're a bit older, you'll realise that women do in fact line up for guys like him.
Vitorfg ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:38:46 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Found it! Found the friendzoned here guys!
sadkjas ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:40:13 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I am happily in a long-term relationship, actually :)
It's basic human nature, though, that dominant personality traits are attractive in a male.
Vitorfg ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:42:56 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Of course,but Dick Masterson is a parody,and exageration. Women hate him because he is not simply assertive/dominant,they hate him cuz he was obviously trying too hard
sadkjas ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:44:19 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Many people aren't sharp enough to spot a try-hard when they see one, unfortunately :(
Oof, this reminds me of a story my boyfriend told me.
So, back in the day, before we met, he was at this bar with a friend. The friend is talking to some girl who is leaning against the bar with her left shoulder, arm out of view. My boyfriend walks up and after introducing himself, starts talking to his friend. The girl starts getting pissy, obviously annoyed that my boyfriend is taking the friend's attention away from her. He doesn't really respond, just gives a look of acknowledgement, because he just needs like 2 minutes of his friends time, just delivering information and he'll be gone. In and out. She's more annoyed because he didn't respond and says something about how my boyfriend is trying to cock block his buddy because he could never get a girl (or something along those lines). My boyfriend says something along the lines of "Listen, if you want in on this action, the line is to my left," gesturing to his left to visually punctuate the statement.
She gasps. Stops leaning against the bar. Raises her arms annnddd.... She had no left arm. She's screeching about how offensive that is and what a dick my boyfriend is. My boyfriend is shocked because he seriously had no idea that this lady was missing an arm (because she was leaning against the bar, and it was out of view). Hilarity ensues between both my boyfriend and his friend going "Ohhhh! Oh god! I'm sorry!" "Did you know?" "No I didn't know!" "I'm so sorry!" He and his friend leave... I'm guessing that lady didn't get any tail that night, because the 3 of them called a lot of attention to her arm during that.
As he tells the story, he felt a mixture of feeling really awful for calling attention to her arm and really good about the social justice served all at once. So, on any given day the story ends with either "Oh my god, I still feel so bad about that" or "Fuck that bitch, if she hadn't started being rude, nothing would have been said in the first place."
I laugh every time because I have no soul. If he had known, it would have been a better smart ass remark.
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 07:36:34 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
[deleted]
Vitorfg ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 13:45:09 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
He meant that women make lines to date him,so she tried to humiliate him and said "yeah i would be at the end of that line" meaning that she doesn't like him
EvanMinn ยท 50 points ยท Posted at 05:34:07 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
On a conference call when someone was talking about making chili for the chili contest in their office.
Her: "I don't eat chili but my husband tried mine and he didn't die so we know it's not poison."
SmartAss: "We know it's not a FAST-ACTING poison."
In a high school English class, there was a short, chubby kid nicknamed Ace who always wore a giant puffy coat. Like a Mexican Cartman, I guess. He wasn't a bad kid per se, but he was definitely a smart-ass little shit.. This other kid asks to go to the bathroom, and the teacher says "Sure, take 2 minutes and go take a leak" and Ace says "What if he's got to take a shit? That don't take no 2 minutes." The teacher replies "You know Ace, when I was your age I used to be just like you." To which Ace immediately responds "YOU WAS A PIMP?!?!"
dearhero ยท 41 points ยท Posted at 05:13:11 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
It wasn't so much that it was clever, just really well-timed and executed: One time me and my buddy are at our other best buddies house. We're chilling in his room and his mom calls him to the living room, he gets up, walks out, is gone for maybe 10-15 minutes and then comes back and right as he sits down, again, his mom calls him with a tone of "Miiiic-heallll!" And without missing a beat, my friend, with palpable annoyance in his voice, calls back, "Son of a fuckinnng Biii-IItch!" and walks back out into the living room again. Immediately me and my friend start laughing our asses off. It's still one of my favorite stories about that particular friend.
acherem13 ยท 23 points ยท Posted at 07:05:23 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Girl is in church with her mother and when the girl says "God damn it" the mother says she can't say that in church so she said "Fine then, Satan bless it"! Not mine but I heard it from a friend ao I can not claim it's validity.
[deleted] ยท 21 points ยท Posted at 15:52:33 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I cannot remember how the conversation started, but my dad and grandma (his mum) are having an argument and he says something along the lines of "You've got four grandchildren, but only one child." and she responds "And yet you're still not my favourite."
Back when I was a newbie in the military, all the sgts and one captain were making fun of each other horribly during lunch. I felt myself starting to blush afraid someone was gonna pick on me next. The captain said, "oh look at the newbie he's turning red." Thank god that was the fastest my brain ever worked and I said "I'm blushing because I'm thinking about how much it's gonna tickle when I stick my balls in your mouth." The room erupted and nobody tried me after that. Luckily the captain was a good sport.
Pagiras ยท 12 points ยท Posted at 13:42:12 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The captain always enjoyed a good prank, bro.
Awemage ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 02:59:07 on November 16, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
We had an RA who was gay In my dorm. These two rather obnoxious girls were in our lounge one night, complaining about the RA on their floor. One said "You guys seem to have a chill RA, ours is gay as fuck." Just then, our gay RA walks by and says "I'm gay as fuck" and then just keeps walking with out any other form of acknowledgement.
GrFr1 ยท 9 points ยท Posted at 16:09:57 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
A guy I went to school with came one day with some ludicrously large and rather silly glasses on. He didn't normally wear glasses at all and was known for misbehaving, so the teacher asked in a pretty exasperated tone, "Is there a medical reason that you're wearing those glasses?"
"Yes sir, I have a cough".
I'm not even sure why but I always chuckle thinking back about it.
poormilk ยท 33 points ยท Posted at 14:22:40 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
This will get buried but it'seems good.
Playing 2 truths and a lie at work my boss says his dog is gay. Then right as we are leaving the conference room one of the guys who was tenured goes "Scott are you sure your dog's gay or does he just really like peanut butter" we all died laughing.
Belyea ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 19:03:12 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I'm so glad I had nothing to do today except read every reply in this thread.
Gough Whitlam, a former Prime Minister of Australia had some good ones, like:
'When Sir Winton Turnbull was raving and ranting on the adjournment and shouted "I am a Country member", I interjected "I remember".'
Or:
'On the campaign trail, Whitlam was once persistently hectored by a man demanding to know his opinion on abortion: "Let me make quite clear that I am for abortion and, in your case Sir, we should make it retrospective!"'
My friends and my husband were teasing a single friend about how to flirt with girls. A girlfriend asked my husband, "How long has it been since YOU flirted with anyone?"
Husband responded, "How YOU doin'?"
Girlfriend said, "So like 10 years? Since Friends went off the air?"
I was out with a mate, walking down the street after some beersies on a Saturday night, some other guy walking towards us knows my mate so we stop and they start chatting. After a few seconds he gestures to me "who is this mother fucker?" I said "I'm not a mother fucker"... "Yes you are"..."no I'm not"..."ok, then you're a stupid mother fucker"...."it's because it's your stupid mother I'm fucking"..... Hilarity and punches ensued.
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 22:49:25 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Hilarity and punches ensued.
I imagined you guys as Russians, even read that with the accent.
[deleted] ยท 42 points ยท Posted at 03:50:58 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Wait, your friend who was being tailgated got the cops called on him? Can you not brake check people for following too closely? Isn't following too closely the actual illegal act? I'm confused.
My boss wandered in during a shift at the deli and noticed one of the guys working there wasn't wearing his dorky paper hat. "Where's your hat?", he asked. 'Lost it in 'Nam', was the ridiculous response. The kid was 15 and it was 2005.
My teacher once asked if we only saw the first 30 minutes of The Blind Side would you think that Michael would've become successful I just told him "Yeah, why else would they have made the film." He was stunned for about half a minute and then corrected himself by replacing Michael Oher with the report card of his worst student.
One old British guy that I work was complaining about another office mate's incompetence when he said "I would call her a cunt, but at least a cunt is useful". I've been trying to work that phrase into my sentences, but have not had the chance yet.
When I was ten I was playing on the family computer while my parents were having a silly argument. My mom gave up and said, "Fine, I'm done talking to you." Without hesitation I spun in my chair and said, "You're rewarding him!?"
When my daughter was about 12 she had a very bitchy friend who was arrogant and entitled.
I drove them to school one day and when we pulled up out front my daughter hopped out of the car, while her friend in the front seat yanked my mirror over to fix her makeup or something. She kept scrunching up her face and saying, "Ohhh. Hmmm. Ewwwww..."
Without really thinking about it I mumbled, "What's the matter? No reflection?"
Guys in his 40s turned around after going through his drawer at work with a floppy disc, and says to us (we are all 22-30) "well here is a relic I bet you young guys don't know what this is" To which I replied "Of course I know what it is, it's a save button"
g0atmeal ยท 19 points ยท Posted at 06:52:07 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God, some people think that knowing about old technology is wiser than being able to use new technology.
Oh, you've used a floppy disk? I'm impressed, person who still can't figure out how to properly use email.
Shift leader complaining about not being able to figure out working coupon code while taking a phone order she hung up the phone then loudly says "why doesn't this coupon code ever work for me?!"
Without missing a beat one of the managers yells back " because you touch yourself at night and Jesus doesn't love you."
[deleted] ยท 14 points ยท Posted at 06:53:54 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Fairly sure they didn't ask for the most original, so I shared what I thought was the most fitting. Sorry I wasn't original enough for you, maybe Jesus just doesn't love me enough because I touch myself at night.
Just last week in my college algebra class the teacher passed out an activity for us to do in class. He didn't print enough off so I didn't get one. Asked him, "You're a math teacher right"? He said "yes". I said, "so where did you learn how to count".
[deleted] ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 16:22:12 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Hey, you mind getting in my drink? Also
Just last week my college algebra class teacher passed out
The owner of my restaurant is a notorious dick-head. That being said we're pretty good friends. One day him and I and his wife are in his car driving to a Homebrew Emporium. We stop at a light and a amputee girl runs by in a prosthetic leg. Of course he starts making fun of her. His wife then says "well I don't see you running anywhere"
He shrugs and says "what? I have a bad ankle"
crop028 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 06:28:37 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The owner of my restaurant
What?
mikey420 ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 06:41:46 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The owner of his restaurant.
crop028 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 06:54:19 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
If it were his restaurant, he would be the owner right?
mikey420 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 06:57:44 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
maybe he washes dishes there but refers to it as his restaurant
crop028 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 07:18:56 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I've never heard people word it that way though. It's probably me just living under a rock my life, and being socially oblivious or something.
-eDgAR- ยท 96 points ยท Posted at 03:48:46 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
This is an example of a back and forth between one kid in my class and a teacher.
During my 3rd year of high school I took a Greek history class because I thought it would be cool. We had a new teacher, who was probably in his mid-twenties. He was a really nice and knowledgeable guy, but at times he was a push over.
We had had this one guy, Jake, who I had in other classes and he loved being a smart ass and having full attention.
One day, our teacher decided to have us watch a film, so he reaches to pull the screen down to project it on. He was a like an inch or so too short to reach it and Jake thought it was a great time to make fun of him.
"Hey, having a hard time reaching that prof?" Jake yelled and giggled afterward.
Our teacher looked at him, still trying to reach for the cord and said, "No, Jake, I'm just doing my exercises."
As he said it, he reached it and pulled it down. Everyone looked back at Jake, who for once was left silent and he just slunk back in his chair and scoffed.
Jake looked like an asshole, which he kind of was, for one of the first times in his life and our teacher got the full respect he deserved.
Back in 9th grade at the end of the school year our home room teach asked us to tell the class what we wanted to do for careers. I said "I think I would like to be a teacher, I feel I'm good at explaining things." Well one kid thought it would be funny to say. "You would only be able to teach 2nd grade." Few people thought it was funny, and I say to him in a dead serious tone. "So I'll have you in my class then?" The teacher fell out of her chair laughing.
So me and my friends are hanging out and talking about flamethrowers in WWII, it was all fun and games until some know-it-all bitch comes along. She thinks she is knowledgeable about because she lived in Germany for a few years, but I digress.
Bitch: " trust me I know, I've studied this and been to almost every museum in Germany about WWII, I even visited Auchwitz and i did not have fun there
Me: Yeah, neither did my grandparents
[deleted] ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 22:21:52 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Mahhrat ยท 273 points ยท Posted at 02:19:47 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Story time from before even I was born - my dad has a way with words.
Story 1:My dad was a waiter in his youth. Working a restaurant one night (this was the very early 70s), he was in a full and busy place when suddenly he heard a snap of fingers and a whistle.
Yup. "Peoooo-wheet!" came over from a lady a couple tables away, rude as you'd fucking like.
Dad snapped. He got down on his knees, crawled around to the table, and sat up expecantly, much to the amusement of the diners around this woman, who stared at his aghast.
"WHAT DO YOU THINK YOU ARE DOING?!"
My dad replied, 'Madam, you called for me as one would a dog, and so I came as one.'
Apparently that comment got him a round of laughter and applause, and no trouble at all. Given how I know the old boy, I've chosen to believe it.
Story 2: His engagement party to mum. Some douchecanoe comes up to him and says, "Your fiancee is too good for you. I'm going to steal her from you."
Now, this was Australia in the 70s. That's fighting words. Dad's a lot of things, but I've never seen him in a fight ever. He turned to the guy, shook his hand, and said, "Best of luck mate, but you haven't got what it takes."
the balls on that second one, mad respect there mate. I know if anyone said that to me, at the engagement party, i knock them in to the middle of next week. your dad is a boss
Yeah, good friends, or at least my friends, would have given the guy shit for being a pussy bitch and not fighting but only as long as we made sure he knew he had our respect for it.
f1del1us ยท 32 points ยท Posted at 02:45:18 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
That second one is something I am going to remember in case someone else told me that. Thats glorious.
Mahhrat ยท -7 points ยท Posted at 10:07:41 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
So according to you, I or my father am a liar.
I'll put that up against someone who feels the need to hide behind a monitor insulting someone's parents for daring to entertain a few people for a few seconds.
Let me give you some free advice: While the story's true enough, it doesn't really matter whether it happened or not. That you'd insult a man's father over something like this? C'mon mate, you need to have a look at what's really important.
[deleted] ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 18:11:59 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)*
Your dad is a fucking loser. Like father like son. Also, you write like a 12 year old who thinks he's smart. It's embarrassing.
We arent better than we behave, anonymity brings out the worst in people. You arent alone. Most people dont have the nuts to man up and apologize though. You good bruh
PanchDog ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 22:04:34 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Yeah it's not anonymity itself that brings that out in me, it's definitely part of my personality. I know that it effects most people negatively but you gotta believe you can fight those impulses. It's a drain and it's something I've been trying to work on. Check my history. I've been unnecessarily cruel because it gets me off. But I want to put more positivity into the world.
Yep. First time I heard that, twas my favorite word for a week. Till my bf told me to can it on the douchecanoing. So I called him a douchecanoe, of course.
Mahhrat ยท -1 points ยท Posted at 10:10:52 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Same here. The oldies are the best, IMHO.
unbn ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 06:45:15 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)*
That's when your best man knocks that fucker the fuck out and dusts himself off before grabbing himself and your dad a beer
Mahhrat ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 10:10:21 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
That would have been something to see. Dad's 'best man' is very much still in our lives - bloke helped raise me, I consider him my uncle. He isn't a big guy, but I get the feeling I wouldn't want to be the bloke who pushed him too far.
He's like 63 now, and is working on a cliff face making it safe for people below, so he spends a fair bit of his days hanging off a rock face drilling and building rope bridges and so on in those climbing harness things. Just one of those guys that gives zero fucks about doing anything with his hands.
unbn ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:52:58 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
That's badass. Glad to hear he's a cool part of your lives.
My all time favorite is when someone tries to nose into a conversation by asking something like "what are we talking about?" I respond with the question "Didn't I tell you?" And when they inevitably answer in the negative, I look them right in the eye and with a straight face say "Maybe that's because it's none of your fucking business."
Yesterday, my snarky boss was complaining about the economy and called out, Why aren't you millennials spending more money? Came back with, Maybe we would if there were enough jobs for us!
My aunt is a third grade teacher, one of her students is extremely sarcastic and witty (typical trouble maker). One day, one girl in the adjacent classroom was screaming and crying at the top of her lungs. The kid in my aunt's class just shouted out "Well that can't be good for business"
[deleted] ยท 24 points ยท Posted at 04:16:49 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
My grandmother, who had Alzheimer's and was in a nursing home at the time, was asked how she was feeling by one of the nurses. She replied: "With my fingers, of course."
The Yardbirdsโ relationship with Sonny Boy Williamson (blues musician) did not get off to the best start: โthese British want to play the blues so bad,โ Williamson once remarked, โand they doโ
SG111 ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 07:04:39 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
My younger brother was 5 or so and acting up during a car ride home. My mom said to him: "You'd better stop. Do you wanna have to walk home?"
He just paused and said: "Which way is home?"
I was drinking Kool Aid and my friend says, "Oh man I used to love Kool Aid. But then I turned 12!" I'm 21 and felt like a child.
GoChaca ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 07:17:42 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Happened to a buddy of mine. We were going into a 711 and a homeless guy begged my friend for a Coke. My friend is a cool dude so he goes in and buys the guy a big 2 liter of Pepsi. He walks out and gives it to the dude and the says thank you, looks down, looks back up and says " I said Coke bitch!" Then proceeds to shake the bottle, open it and spray soda everywhere.
My friend doesn't give anything to homeless people anymore.
Then I kinda see the other guy's point. He's homeless, that doesn't mean he doesn't have preferences. It's kinda throwing it in your face that you're supposed to automatically grateful because someone spend 2 bucks on a liter of soda, even if they quite obviously didn't listen to what you said.
At a gathering, friend said to my bf "you remind me of my sister's boyfriend". My usually shy little sister without missing a beat said "same".
Whole room cracked up, never been so proud.
I don't know about the best but I had one in high school that I find particularly memorable even today.
I was bullied a lot in middle school and early in my high school years ago even as I got older, filled out, and became more confident I still had a healthy number of people with whom I didn't get along because they mistreated me over the past several years.
It so happened that I had an English class with many of them. During that class the teacher would often use PowerPoint to show historical context for our reading assignments (the class focused on several different time periods) and she'd never full-screen her PowerPoint. She'd just leave it in edit mode with the cursor in the middle of the screen and everything. This annoyed me quite a bit so I spoke up one day and mentioned that the teacher should hit f5 and go to full screen. One of the girlfriends of a guy who used to bully me was in the class and had seemed to inherit his opinion of me. She asked (in a really shitty, judge-y, tone) "Why do you know that, don't you have anything better to do with your life?" to which the teacher replied "Don't make fun of nerds, he might be your boss someday."
Now, I'm not a particularly witty guy nor was I at a stage in life where I was particularly confident or outgoing so for me to have any come back (much less one I'd remember years later) was a pretty big win for me. Without missing a beat, in a totally calm voice I said "Mrs. A, I don't think that's a possibility; I don't plan on becoming a pimp."
TMeganV ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 12:17:18 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Huh, I think I've read this one before from the standpoint of one of the classmates.
Nurum ยท 9 points ยท Posted at 15:52:38 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I was in math class in highschool and there was this kid who always slept that sat behind me. One day the teacher asks for an answer to a question from the book. It was some random math question with a numeric answer. She calls on this kid and he pauses for a second so I whisper "Chicago" to him. He says it out loud and the teacher just gives him a "WTF?" look and moves on.
I once got someone similarly. Teacher asked what tense a word was in, I whispered 'future past', he said it. Everyone laughed, teacher included, he was mad at me. Fun times.
In high school me and my buddies were at our school's basketball game against one of our rivals. Chants were getting pretty heated and there was one kid in the other bleachers in particular that was going all out, he was dressed in a refs uniform too for some reason.
Their team fouls one of our guys pretty bad and we're yelling at their fans, so between free throws my buddy yells to the kid, "GET THIS KID A WHISTLE SINCE HE LIKES BLOWIN' THINGS SO MUCH!" Immediately shut him up and we end up winning the game as underdogs. I'd like to think it was from devastating their morale.
Unathana ยท 7 points ยท Posted at 05:45:31 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
During my first year of teaching, a fellow teacher (call him J) got arrested then fired for a wide variety of illegal things. Later that year, one of my smartass seniors was jokingly complaining about an assignment, and said "why are you the one who gets to decide what we do?" And I laughed and said "because there's a method to my madness. Besides, I have a teaching license from the state saying that I'm qualified."
Without missing a beat, the student said, "yeah, so did J"
I had a hard time being mad at him for that. It was a decent quip.
My cousin inherited his father's gift for these. Once, when me, him and his younger brother were driving somewhere, his mother called and asked where we were. "In the car." "Where's the car?" "On the road." "And where's the road?" "Between the ditches."
skiman224 ยท 13 points ยท Posted at 05:14:43 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Testing Bold Font
So I'm with my math tutor and he asks me a question to which the answer should have been obvious, but I was tired, so I respond, "Wait a sec, I'm thinking,", to which he replies, "Really? I guess there's a first time for everything!"
[deleted] ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 05:49:26 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
How do you do bold font? I've aced whateverthisiscalled, along with hyper linking. I don't know how to do bold so feel free to school me up skiman224.
Well, using a ^ (no idea what it's called) you can elevate words. You can also use ^ followed by text in brackets to elevate multiple words or typeonethingiebetween each word for that kind of stuff.
Let's see, what more?
4 spaces at the beginning of the row
Turn it into code
A > at the beginning turns it
into a quote
A single asterisk at the beginning
makes a point
And --- in a row without other text makes this:
There's also a way to make tables but I am not so sure how to do that.
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:55:14 on November 16, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Sweet jesus! --- I had no idea that there were somanythingstotype!
Many years ago during the Boxing Day tsunami anniversary my cousin and I were playing and laughing while in the background it was being broadcast on TV, to which we were unaware of. Anyhow, my cousins sister comes out thinking we were laughing at the tragedy and began to scold us to which I replied "Maybe you shouldn't have jumped in the ocean then".
Draiko ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 07:13:25 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
[deleted] ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 08:24:29 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Little sister complaining about how her hair was standing up, I say "How can your hair stand, it has no legs?" I started dad jokes at a young age
cydriss ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 08:44:51 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Two friends were arguing over who was gonna buy some trees for the weekend. They both felt like the other owed them and they were getting angry. My buddy Mark pulls out a $20 to give to Dan. Dan replies with "no, keep your $20, and use it to buy a dildo so you can go fuck yourself."
for some weird reason my mom kept my brother's baby teeth in the medicine cabinet for a while while i lived out of state. when i came back for a visit and asked why there were teeth in the medicine cabinet, without looking up from cutting veggies she just goes 'because they wouldn't burn'
My friends gf told me jokingly that she bets my dick smells like shit.
"It does. Your boyfriends, actually."
Sirpiku ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 14:48:50 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I grew up with a longer than average neck. Someone tried insulting me using it. My response, " yeah I have a long neck for each of my heads." They didn't get it.
ShyVi ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 15:10:22 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Last year, I was in a class where we basically did nothing. So we were just sitting in the classroom, and my teacher is just like "I need to take some lambs to [Rival City] to get them slaughtered" so I was just like "Take them there and they'll slaughter themselves."
Also, here's a back story. No one here likes anything about that rival city. We are constantly saying things like "careful there, you might get an STD before you get out of your vehicle." Also, under all that makeup, the girls look like potatoes. So yeah, the lambs would slaughter themselves there.
My roommate is well known for his insufferable puns, and he told me this story about him in first grade.
Apparently a kid had been picking on one of his friends on the playground at recess, so he tried to stand up for him, only for the bully to turn on him. In response, he pushed the bully down the slide. Upon doing so, he proceeded to take his knowledge of cheesy 80's movie action heroes and quipped "I'll let this one slide".
What happened next was that his teacher saw the whole thing and burst into laughter. Additionally, his grandfather saw the whole thing and burst into laughter. He subsequently was taken to the principal's office where he was told not to do it again, but that what he did was pretty awesome.
TL;DR: Friend pushes bully down slide, spouts out a line Schwarzenegger would be proud of.
We do Secret Santa for Christmas which is assigned at Thanksgiving. So my aunt calls us together saying it's time to draw names. My dad gets up and says, "Oh dear, I never was much good at art."
Three residents and an attending are operating on a trauma patient. Everyone is hyper-focused on the task at hand. A fourth resident comes into the room and realizes that she doesn't have the space to scrub in and help. She busies herself by searching along the bottom of the drapes for the catheter bag. "Where did you guys put the Foley?" she asks. Immediately, and in unison, four voices reply, "In his penis."
This family was shopping at the grocery store I was at. One of their kids was randomly touching things. He made a game in his head out of touching objects. He says "Mom! Everything you touch, you buy!". The dad looks over and says, "Yep, sounds about right.". The wife slapped his arm pretty good.
Back in middle school we had this very radical teacher for religion class (Catholic Middle School) and she went through this whole process where she essentially married herself off to God in the eyes of the Church and took a vow of chastity among other things. Anyways, shortly after she told us about all of this one of my peers was being particularly unruly and she lost it- I'm talking full on red-faced screaming at this kid. No sooner does she stop yelling than my friend pipes up and says in the sassies way possible "you better watch it, do you know who her husband is?" and he got sent to the principle.
In elementary school, I had a science teacher who was quite large. He was telling us how most of our body is made up of water. Classmate out of nowhere yells out "so, would that make you an ocean?"
Back in high school, Mr. T, my biology teacher, told us the first day of classes: 'Don't try me, I might look stupid, but it's only my face'.
Right when the class was about to end, he asked a question and someone responded something funny. He answered: 'Why would you say that? I am not stupid'
The funny guy in the class said: 'Except for your face, of course'.
My younger cousin had school figured out from the start. Whenever his teacher asked him something he didn't know the answer to, he'd say 'You tell me.'
Not a comment, but I was taking a test and it asked how J J Thomson experimented on the atom. Me, who didn't know, answered.
"His experiment was one which further investigated the atom. It began with a hypothesis and ended with a conclusion."
I mean technically I was right.
jamslut2 ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 16:41:47 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
This is the best one I ever made. I was working at a variety store when I was 18. A man came in and obviously forgot what he was there for. He said "do you have any.... aw nuts!"
"the nuts are right behind you sir".
He called me a smart ass.
IamJock ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 16:42:19 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
About six years when I was sixteen, me and friends would sit out on the grass and just relax/talk after school. One day a girl that I've known along time but didn't really get on with decided to join us.
The conversation somehow came to babies and someone mentioned miscarriages.
Then this girl chipped in with "My mum lost a baby a few years ago".
Laying there, I removed the my jumper from my eyes looked at her and said "Don't you think it's time she went and found it?". I placed the jumper back over my eyes and just lay there calm as a monk on morphine.
Everybody else that was there tried their absolute best not to laugh but couldn't help it.
At my university, campus life was very competitive pitting the dorms against each other in various competitions all throughout the year.
The culmination of all efforts for your 'house' was the annual winter carnival. My dorm was particularly savvy and usually took that majority of first prize slots in any competition leaving the others to cheer for anyone but us. But...we had a bad run one year and we're not on top of our game for winter carnival...we were hurting and the other houses knew it.
When we were all gathered in the student centre for a competition a pretty little girl from another house approached me and said:
"Did you guys pick ancient rome as your theme this year?"
"no?" I replied.
"Funny," she said. "The rest of us all feel like we're watching the fall of a great empire."
I stood there, stunned...she got me...
solowb32 ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 19:21:33 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
One time my adopted friend was hating on my Nike's and said "Why you got those fake ass shoes?"
I replied with "Why you got those fake ass parents?"
My sister is a twig. When ever she eats a lot her stomach balloons up and looks like she's pregnant. We went out for her birthday to her restaurant of choice so of course she's gonna splurge and eat a lot. When the waitress walks by she asks "how far along are you?" And my sister responds "oh you know, about 15 minutes."
toendeff ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 08:43:46 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
My dad carries an old flip-phone, but doesn't think it's time to get a new smartphone. He's about 55. One day when he was was squinting and struggling to read the pixelated text on the screen I had a gem of a pseudo "yo mama" joke that gave him a change of heart and a good laugh. With the most smartass tone imaginable, I said to my dad
"Dad, your phone is so old.. when you bought it.. you could actually see whats on the screen"
A drunk homeless guy once asked me if my shoes (Vans) are my only Fans because the joke i made was not that funny to him. I was speechless. Touchรฉ homeless guy.
Probably get down voted to hell for this but i was in line at the grocery store with ONE item and waiting patiently for my turn. 5 - 10 mins later this woman walks up carrying 5 or 6 things and immediately asks to jump the queue. She holds up her items and i hold up my one item. She says, "...but I'm pregnant." (Not very far along obviously, she looked very trim still) All i said back is, "is it mine?" Paid for my milk and was gone before i heard whatever her response was.
When my little sister was young, my dad and her fought all the time. After one afternoon of being scolded, my sister stuck her tongue out at him. Instantly enraged, my dad said "What do you think you're doing?!!" Her reply, "Oh..oh I'm just airing my tongue out."
My dad was floored by her 7 year old clever response. We still laugh about it today.
arbyD ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 07:31:01 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
While I sadly was not here for this, this is a great family story that several people recount now.
So my great grandfather is on hia deathbed at the age of like 96. One of my more distant relatives who I doubt I've heard come comes to visit him while my mom and my aunts are there with him, and she ia quite heavyset apparently. Like apparently very obese.
So my great grandfather musters some words together... "what've you been doin' fer exercize lately? Nothin'?" to which that relative asks "what?" My great grandfather then repeats himself to her.
faparino ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 17:17:49 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
At a bar. Hot girl is asking guys to buy her drinks in a "cutesy" way. Guy walks up to the bar, orders a Corona on his tab. Flirty girl says "and put a rum and coke on there too!". The guy doesn't miss a beat and says "make that a rum and diet" and walked away like it was nothing.
It was my girlfriends fathers birthday last night. Some people were around that he was interested in having leave. He said, " why don't we do the hokie pokie and you guys get the fuck out." They didn't get the memo.
This happened today. My basement bathroom flooded because it's been raining for a week. My moms went to visit my brother for a few weeks. I call my brother so I can ask my mom a question
"Hey can you ask mom where her big, white fan is"
"Yeh for sure, oh wait.. I'm right here! I love my mom!"
Had me laughing for a good while
sekasi ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 06:05:42 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
"Yes, they are called breasts. You can stop looking now"
"Oh those are breasts? I thought they were supposed to be hot"
My Grandfather is a large man. As children we were always scared of him. He played union, NRL and AFL for years. My nana js a tiny woman. She is short and very dainty.
We were at a family gathering. My Grandfather always makes a joke that my Nana beats him, locks him in a cupboard and only allows him out for family events.
During this family event my 10 year old brother exclaims "yeah, the ugly stick."
That was a good call.
Back in high school, my mom had some friends over to visit. So my mom called me to do something, I did it and went away. During the entire time I am being a smart ass. She tells me to come to her, and I said no and walked away. At which point she said "come here this instance before I beat the shit out of you."
I instantly respond "oh, thank god. I have been really constipated for the past couple of days" and just walked away. She got mad at me, but all of her friends just started laughing at my comment.
My boss was standing at the sink just staring into the abyss as it was draining. So one of my coworkers asked wtf she was doing and my boss said she was "waiting for clean water" My coworker just looks at her and yells "So is Africa, Jenny!" then walks away.
We all had a good chuckle.
sjo107 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 07:07:16 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)*
Wife asked me why I had to be a smart ass, responded "I was gonna be a dumb ass, but that job was taken"
[deleted] ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 07:17:31 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Your dad told me he should have left you at the hospital.
[deleted] ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 07:21:52 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
It was a smart ass comment, that a wording mistake made even better.
At Christmas dinner at a full long table full of all the entire family my angry cousin was talking about some friend of hers that would only be friends with pretty people. Of course I tried to blurt out "wait, and she is your friend" ended up being... "Wait, You have FRIENDS?"
I thought grandma was going to literally die of laughter.
We had a real grumpy old film teacher who failed as a screenwriter. He basically hated everyone in our period. One day we are so loid that he nust looses it. "What the hell is wrong with you!? This stupid attitude is not hollywood worthy." without missing a beat, some one in the back softly says, "how would you know?" rest of the period was pretty awkward.
[deleted] ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 07:42:53 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Had some renos done at the house a few years ago. Old construction guy asks you construction guy about some wood he'd been cutting:
Old: Were you cutting these?
Young: Yeah, you told me to cut one foot lengths.
Old: I told you to cut the two foot pieces in half. So originally, were these two foot boards?
Young: Well, originally they were a tree.
Aethyos ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 07:44:12 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
One afternoon, my sibling's sixth grade math class was busy doing its class work. It was one of those rare classroom moments when everyone is either actually focused on their work or simply quietly loafing. All that was heard was the grating of lead against paper. Suddenly a girl says, "It stinks in here," to which a male student immediately retorts, "Close your legs."
One time my younger sister put on her rollerskates in the house and started skating around. I told her to stop. She asked "why?". I said "you could hurt yourself". She then replied with "I could hurt myself outside"
That little shit
DavidT64 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 08:02:48 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
My car has heated seats that get pretty warm. I turned my wife's heated seat on. After a few minutes she turns to me and says "If you smell bacon burning that's my ass."
One time my Dad, my brother law and I were driving home from work. The window was open and we could smell skunk. My brother in law commented on how smelly it was and I immediately said, "that's your breath blowing back in your face." Luckily, my brother in law is a good sport and burst out laughing.
I do a juggling and unicycle show. I was riding my tall unicycle at a performance with kids sitting on the floor in the front row. As I ride close to them I say, "Kids, don't move. If I fall then I have something soft to land on." One kid says, "Land on your head."
saga29 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 08:34:38 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
My High school English teacher was a dick...and pretty over weight. Well one of the guys was tired of his shit and of him being an asshole and straight up told the teacher, " man, you're 10lbs of shit in a 5lb bag." We thought that was the funniest thing we had ever heard.
This summer I was attending a local nude beach on the river with my friend, both donning our appropriate to the occasion attire.. nothing.
A group of people floating the river on inner tubes drift by us and one guy looks up at my buddy standing on the rocks and snarkily says, "What're you feeding that monster?", gesturing towards his dick.
Without skipping a damn beat, my buddy ol' pal goes, "Your girlfriend's tears", and prances off into the water before they can retort.
surkh ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 09:08:11 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
My daughters had been fighting and one of them had hit the other with a shoe. My wife was yelling at them for misbehaving and said: "you both need to be hit with that shoe"
So the first daughter, ever the smart alec, says just under her breath: "Well I already took care of her!"
Gruffyd ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 09:13:42 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
A bit late, but I used to work for a charity shop receiving donations, and often times we didn't have room for furniture in the warehouse, so it was often left outside. A woman once asked me "What happens to the furniture out here when it rains?". I responded with " It gets wet".
I was in high school and we were at a Ryan's buffet after a track meet. There was no line, but they were still making everyone walk back and forth through the fixed rails to get drinks and trays etc (like a baggage claim line or amusement park line). One of my buddies was stepping over the rails, not cutting in front of anyone just being lazy. The drink man says, "Sir stepping over the rails" in that authoritative tone where just saying the action is supposed to make you feel shame and stop doing it. My friend responds without missing a beat, "Sir serving the drinks" and keeps walking. Silence. It was awesome.
Driving some drunk girls home after a party, one girl said they didn't have any money to give us for gas but that her friend gave really good head, and that she was known as the 'head master'. My friends response was "I would but I don't want any hog warts".
[deleted] ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 09:33:31 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I work in a boarding school, and during an evening roll call last term my housemaster was chastising the boys (mid to late teens) for horseplay in the run-up to exams. "You're stressed over your exams, but your teachers have seen it all before, especially if they've been here for twenty years, thirty years," he told them, and from the back of the room an anonymous voice shouted, "Or a hundred..." I couldn't tell which of the boys it was, or I'd have pinned a medal on him for that remark, lol.
I used to work with my wife's sister at Burger King. She left one of the fridges open by accident, to which our boss commented "don't leave that open, were you born in a barn?"
Without missing a beat she said "no that was the other messiah"
Poppekas ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 10:18:09 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Don't know if this counts since I said it myself but I'm still pretty proud of it.
When I was a kid (10-11 years old) we had this group of high school kids who used to bully all the other kids in the street and make them fear them, do little tasks for them, ...
One day they were doing their thing again, started interrupting us while us smaller kids were playing with a ball somewhere on a field along the street. It came to a discussion, since the smaller kids were fed up with their shit and didn't want to leave. At some point I said something to their leader and, since I was a small and frail boy, he told me, "Shouldn't you be watching Sesame Street or something?". Without hesitating and with a deadpan face I said, "Don't have to, I'm already recording it". Since I didn't deny his disparaging accusation and proudly confirmed it he really was left speechless.
In HS, my buddy's teacher was irritated with him and pointed a ruler at him. She said, "there's an idiot at the end of this ruler." He responded with, "which side?"
Lareine ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 10:51:11 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
My brother and my Dad used to fight a lot whenever they sportsed. One time when my bro was 8-ish, my Dad was berating him in a ski lodge...
Dad: "You're putting in a half-assed effort."
Bro: "That's because I have a whole ass teaching me!"
A mate of mine was standing at the back of one of those double decker buses in the UK ringing the bell to stop and start the bus while the conductor was busy collecting fares. At one of the stops a woman came up and asked how long the next bus would be. He said, in a smart ass voice,"about 30 foot, like this one". she replied, "Will it have a shit house on the back, like this one?" It was the first time I'd seen him stuck for an answer.
AimHere ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 11:42:44 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Art class at school.
Shortest kid in class, complaining about the stupidest kid: "He has the brains of a five year old"
Art teacher, quick as a flash: "You have the body"
"Get you head out of your arse, it's not a hat"
OCE League Player.
ddd22dm ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 12:00:28 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
My brother and I were fishing and drinking beer all day and arrived at his home about 4 hours late, shit-faced and laughing at everything. His wife lit him up. As she was yelling at him in the kitchen, I was standing next to him and as the words came out of her mouth, "And you both show up, 4 hours late, drunk and acting like a bunch of assholes", I put my arm around my brother and said, "no that's not true", we are not a bunch of assholes, we are a COUPLE of assholes! My brother lost it, his wife stormed out of the kitchen, and we went into the garage and drank beer all night. Fun times !
One day at work, a co-worker 1 asks the rest of us if we had seen the movie Precious (basically a very depressing tale of an abused overweight stepdaughter, iirc).
Co-worker 2: "yeah, I bet you couldn't stop jerking off after that one"
Co-worker 1: "no, ew, that's disgusting...in fact I couldn't sleep after watching it"
Co-worker 2: "yes, it's hard to sleep when you are furiously masturbating for hours"
I was one day whinging to my mother when I was about 12 years old and she turned to me and with a totally straight face said "if I wanted to listen to a moaning arsehole I'd fart" :'(
Was working customer service with a guy and the queen bitch of them all. She had a tendency to think she could have any man she wanted and I'm pretty sure slit their throats if she got turned down. Well this guy.. this guy goes up to her and asked "has anybody told you how pretty you look?" She got all smug and said "not lately!" His fate was sealed when replied with "don't you ever wonder why?"
I didn't see him at work anymore after that, but the legend lives on.
[deleted] ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 14:27:59 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Aunt is always correcting grammar. Cousin says "where's the spoon at" aunt says you can't end a sentence in a preposition. Cousin says "where the spoon at bitch" aunt says that's correct.
I'm 15 my friend has just turned 16 I said jokily in front of a group of people" ha you're going to be the 50 year old virgin" his response was "who's going to f*ck you?" so my best friend who's female simply responds with "Me"...... he shut up instantly
hxcricky ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 14:50:59 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
We were playing pictionary in class last year to learn vocab words and this one kid was trying to draw something for the word "winsome". He ended up losing, but as he was walking away he said: "Oh well, you win some, you lose some."
My friend told her brother she booked a vacation to Mexico. He said, "why Mexico?!" and she replied, "I want to go whale watchingโข"
He then said, "then look in the mirror, mate."
5th grade. One kid get's pissed and pushes the other. The victim just cooly goes, "Don't push me, push a Push Pop.".
The angry kid had to try to hide his laughter through his rage.
dan-o07 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 14:48:32 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I remember as a kid me and my little brother were fighting/arguing over something. Our dad separated us and put us in timeout to cool off and think about what we did. He came in to lecture us about the importance of family and then he asked me "when you are 35 years old and you need help with something, who are you gonna call?" I just looked at him and said " Ghostbusters?" All my dad could do is laugh at me.
Girl doing surverys at my neighborhood, knocks my door and asks me :
-How old are you?
-22
-Oh but I need someone who is 24 or older...
-Come back in a couple of years
Door closed
Four of us were working in a small music studio in school a few years back. Teacher walks in and says to us "There's too many people in here", my mate turned to her and said "..well, get out then".
Pretty cool she found it about as funny as we did and walked off smiling.
A long time ago, one my friends got into an argument with one of my coworkers. Somehow guns were brought up and the coworker said, "I sleep with a 454 under my pillow." My friend quickly retorted, "Man, that must kink your neck" (referencing a 454 engine). The coworker went red in the face and said, "I meant a 357." I have never laughed so hard in my life.
This actually happened yesterday. We had just left Dave and Busters n were walking back to the car
Boyfriend: "it's cold as fuck."
Me: "i like it though."
Boyfriend: "you always like unlikeable things."
Me: "i like your face"
One time when my mom was doing my laubdry while I was still in highschool she found a condom in my wallet. She runs in my room yelling "WHAT THE HELL IS THIS?!".
I just looked at her and said, "........it's banana flavored".
[deleted] ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 15:07:06 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Took a bunch of 14/15 yr olds on a school trip to York Minster. During walking round the place one of the boys says he's seen a girl he likes but she's with a French school class - can I tell him how to chat her up in French.
I don't know much but I advise him to say "Bonjour, j'mappelle Alex. Quis appelle tu?", and after that I told him to pray she speaks English!
(My spelling is probably wrong sorry French speakers! But essentially "Hi, my names Alex. What's your name?")
I followed at a discreet distance to watch this very brave challenge he'd set himself. He walked up, tapped her on the shoulder and delivered his spiel while smiling innocently.....the girl huffed and declared "I'm Italian!" and stormed off
Poor lad, I never would've had the balls to go for it like he did at 14/15
I cannot remember how it started exactly, but something was said about a friend's mom being compared to a Super Nes cartridge. maybe something about being old, anyway I responded with "yea you have to blow the dust out of the slots of both to get them working."
x_stei ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 15:13:59 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Visiting a friend in her dorm:
Me: "Your room is very messy."
Her: "Entropy happened."
ju2tin ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 15:16:44 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Really fat guy in my office said there used to be two steakhouses back in his hometown, but they went out of business.
Younger sister was having a sleepover when I was a kid. At one point her friend was leaning against the wall mean mugging me for no reason so I said "What are you looking at?" To which she immediately replied with "Not much.." Even 11 year old me knew I just got burned. And now I still use that line myself to this very day.
A friend and I were at McDonald's when we were younger playing around making loud noises with our straws when a lady walks up to us and furiously says "are you being serious right now!" to which my friend calmly responds "no we're not doing it seriously, we're just messin around. She walked away soooo mad.
For some background, went to Catholic Private school where most teachers were very religious.
Fast forward to 8th grade, last year there, last exam to take. It was spanish. The teacher proc'ing the exam told everyone to ask Jesus and the Holy Spirit for guidance if they got stuck on a problem during the exam.
My friend turns in the exam, mostly wrong or blank, and says to the teacher "Obviously Jesus didn't know spanish."
noph ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 15:36:44 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
First day of robotics class in college:
Teacher: what can robots not do that humans can
Student: swim
Logon25 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 15:40:42 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
So my friend decided to post a discussion in the joke steam group, in which 2 friends and I pretend to be awful teachers. The friend who posted was a "student", so he says that he wants to help me with my afk probelm, my other friend responds with "I think it's great to see the Special Education Classmates trying to help out the standard classmates desipte their own challenges." Shut him up real quick.
My little sister (8) is such a huge smart ass and is kind of a diva, for context. Last year my mother was checking over her homework and saw that she had answered a particular question in a really funny way. The question was "Explain how you knew that [insert relevant information in the homework]?โข
My sister's WRITTEN answer was "Because it's REALLY (which was written really huge and underlined) obvious." Our mom had to explain to her that the question wanted to know her reasoning, not whether or not she was stupid.
Chevy chase in Christmas vacation, when he has the massive Christmas tree, neighbor says, "where are you gonna put that thing?" Chevy says, "bend over I'll show ya." Man says something, chevy says, "I wasn't talking to you," referring to man's wife. Gets me every time
[deleted] ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 15:49:56 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
First job, grocery store. Dave, my boss, is arguing with a customer and eventually the customer calls him a "smart ass." As she's exiting he yells "I'd rather be a smart ass than a dumb ass!"
โI don't know half of you half as well as I should like; and I like less than half of you half as well as you deserve.โ โ J.R.R. Tolkien, The Fellowship of the Rings
Edit: rings plural, I've been lead to believe there are more than one he lords over.
Alukain ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 15:54:29 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
At a D&D game one guy was just messing with another buddy but ended up getting a bit annoying. The getting annoying guy says "haha I have a Ph.D. in kicking your ass." the other guy, without missing a beat turns around and says "Yea?, well I have a Ph.D. in fucking your mother." Hysterical laughter all around.
I was walking into a store with a friend when we were approached by a guy from a church trying to get people to their revival. So he asks me my name and I say David, he proceeds to tell me the biblical significance to my name but I am do not pay much attention and keep walking. My friend who was behind me listening to the whole thing apparently had time to think up the best answer I would ever hear. The church guy asked him what his name was and he responded:
"Lucifer, its in the bible too"
The guy was shocked and just walked away embarrassed I'm sure because I could not hold my laughter, loud obnoxious laughter at that.
On the last day of middle school, my friend bought a disposable camera to commemorate. She and I left the classroom for a bit and we saw a couple guys taking a selfie with it. She demands they give it back and one of them asks, "Why do you have a camera anyway?" And I say, "She brought it to take pictures of important people and you just wasted one photo."
Leslie Knope: "What are some good comeback stories?"
Andy Dwyer: "Kim Kardashian"
Leslie Knope: "How is Kim Kardashian a comeback story."
Andy Dwyer: "Well, I saw a video with cum on her back."
"I'm not from Hungary, I'm just a white guy with a big dick"
Hungarian. Hung-arian. Hung-Aryan.
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:18:02 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I thought this thread was really getting popular because of all the comments but I just realized nobody even commented here. Must've been my imagination. Meh
Wacefus ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 16:17:00 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I have a smart assdaughter that makes pretty funny come backs. Both of these are about 8ish years old
1) my wife sees her doing something she doesn't like, tells her to stop. My daughter basically ignores her and sort of slows her speed but is still doing it. My wife takes her arm and says "look at my face. I don't this" to which she replies "haha, you don't like your face"
2) whole asking to watch tv multiple times I tell her to go play and use her imagination. She begins to whine and I tell her to go or she could get a spanking. She then replies "fine, but you should have to spank me with your imagination"
jcs1 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 16:17:05 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Matt has a backpack with wheels he rolls around everywhere.
"Matt, this is not an airport!"
"I always travel to class first-class."
shaddhu ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 16:19:39 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
My friend can argue really well. Told him to be a politician. He said " I dont lie".
Dasaru ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 16:20:00 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)*
There were two kids in my highschool electronics class. The first kid said something obvious. The second one says, "No shit Sherlock!" and the first snaps back, "You keep thinkin' Watson!"
Shit was hilarious and had everyone rollin'. Man I miss that class.
There were only about 8 or 9 students that took that class and I had so much fun. My teacher showed us videos on A++ Certification (basically a video on troubleshooting computers and details of hardware). It was dry and got old really fast. Occasionally someone would start dozing off. When that happened, the teacher said, "You're starting to fall asleep, so now you have to stand." Which happened to me a couple times. Well one time we were watching another video and the teacher sat in the back of the class to make sure we were awake and watching.
Guess who fell asleep?
Man that was hilarious. We never let that one go and cracked jokes about it til the end of the semester.
cornham ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 16:21:04 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I had just moved back in with my parents, except they were living in a house that I had never lived in before (they moved while I was at college). I was in bed, and the rest of the house was "sleeping" too, and suddenly this god awful beeping noise starts up. It beeps twice, every 15 seconds- I timed it. So I text my dad who is upstairs, saying "something is beeping down here" He responds with "what does it sound like??" Well, dad. "It sounds like 'beep' "
I heard my mom bust up laughing at him about 10 seconds after I sent that text.
[deleted] ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 16:25:22 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I used to go to school with this girl named Pam who had 0 butt, which is unusual and worthy of ridicule where I'm from. She was usually cool but sometimes, she could be a bitch. A guy in class realized he didn't have a pencil on him, so he decided to ask Pam. He said "Hey, Pam!" She didn't answer. "Pam!" Still didn't answer. "AYE PAM!" She looked up with a bitchy look on her face and said "WHAT, BOY?!"
"Do you have an ass-- I mean, a pencil?"
NerdBro1 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 16:26:04 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
My cousin once said to my other cousin, regarding her niece, "isn't she the prettiest girl in school?". My second cousin responded with "I don't know, I haven't seen the other girls."
laxpwns ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 16:33:48 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Your necklace is a monument to bourgeois taste.
Binny666 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 16:38:31 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
My friend informed myself and our two other friends that he decided that your fingers had "joints", not knuckles, because he didn't consider them knuckles, and screw what doctors call them. We all looked at him like the idiot that he is, and I flexed my toes and said with a straight face, "Hey guys, have you seen my toe elbows?"
One time my little brother, about 5 years old at the time, didn't want to eat his pizza and just wanted to play video games. My sister then tells him that if he doesn't eat his pizza she'll cut his hands off so he can't play his games. His response..
"Then how will I ever get to eat my pizza !??!"
Priceless.
Anger turned into laughter following that comment.
In college I took a woman's studies class. They went around the room asking what I wanted to study, I said " a broad" the professor got the joke, everyone else wanted to know what country I wanted to study in but I could tell the professor was mad so I stopped talking
The GM of a restaurant I worked grabbed a broom to sweep something up outside the entrance as she's walking back in one of the waiters comments "Drive in to work today?"
When I was in elementary school it was time to catch the school bus home, and we had a substitute bus driver.
Bus driver: "Got any change for the bus?"
Me: "No, but I have common sense."
hotpot32 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 16:55:51 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
At a Frank Skinner gig, a woman not happy with the topic heckled.
"Your jokes are verging on the offensive"
To which he replied
"Look love, the only virgin on the offensive here, is you!"
You just don't heckle comedians, Frank Skinner especially.
We're running laps inside the school gym and one of our friends decides to start walking. Our P.E. teacher, in the middle of the room calls out to him and says, "You need to finish your mile! If you don't pass gym, you can't graduate!"
Without missing a beat, our friend shouts back, "It's okay, I can always be a gym teacher!"
dwmath ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 16:58:51 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
At soccer practice, during shooting drill. Kid sails one over the crossbar.
It was in high school, one of our teachers (Ms. Black) had some heart issues and was hospitalized. So everybody in the school knew that and was worried about her.
So, at maths class, another teacher (Ms. White) draw a graph of y=5 function on the board. There was a student, he didn't paying attention, nor was he any good at maths. Moreover, he was constantly chatting with his deskmate and annoying Ms. White very much. So she told him to come to the board and asked what was drawn there. Guy looked at the graph and almost instantly said "well, this is a cardiogram of Ms. Black".
My father-in-law was explaining how hard his beginnings were when he started out making $10 an hour and I said "Yeah but back then you could go see a picture show for a nickel." Victory was sweet.
jjmayhem ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 17:03:45 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
My grandpa is set in his ways, he's 80 something years old. Complains that everything that comes out today is shit and that me and my brother live in a fantasy world because we watch a lot of movies.
My brother, without missing a beat goes "well, really its more of an Island".
I had this entitled student who's mother worked for the school and she had lawyered up over "disabilites" the school was supposed to modify for so she thought she was invincible. She goes off on a rant and yells "fuck!" before leaving for the restroom.
In the perfect silence of her drama aftemath a student meekly says, "I didn't know we were allowed to say, 'fuck'".
Standing around at work with some co-workers when the girl who is desperate for attention says "I'm gonna start jogging so I can fit into a bikini this summer". Without missing a beat, another co-worker says "you better run, 'cause it's way too late to jog".
thehocho ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 17:09:32 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
My middle school health teacher didn't garner much respect from his students. In one of our many lessons about the dangers of smoking cigarettes, he recites the statistic that every cigarette smoked chops 8 minutes off your life (as if this were literally how it works).
The biggest smart aleck in my grade raises his hand, and the teacher makes the mistake of calling on him: "But Mr. HealthTeacher, that doesn't seem that bad. After all, every time I come to your class, forty-five minutes are chopped off my life."
I worked at a warehouse with a bunch of flippant assholes that would say "your mom" whenever somebody told a stupid story or really for any reason at all. It got really bad, and somebody complained to HR about feeling harassed. They gathered all 70+ employees together and the HR manager addressed everybody about stopping with the "your mom" jokes and comments. She then said "any questions?" Immediately a hand shot up and somebody asked "did your mom tell you to say that?"
A co-worker asked me for white-out. When I said I did not have any they asked "how do you not have white-out?" To which I replied "because I don't mistakes".
This was about a week after school first started. The teacher called on a student and accidentally called her Sabrina instead of Serena. She then responded with, "My names Serena, not Sabrina like the witch" In an extremely condescending voice. The teacher responded with, "sorry my bad Serena the bitch". The entire class burst out laughing except her.
A couple coworkers were talking, one of them being 55 and the other his early 20s, and the older one says something about how he's always loved older woman. To which the young one replied "Must be hard for you to come by these days."
A lady I used to work with was describing her type of man.
Lady: I'm more attracted to personality than any physical attributes.
Boss: Well that's a lie, I've met some of your ex's.
0ed ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 19:17:14 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I was around 11 or 12 at the time. My schoolbus monitor (yeah, that was actually a thing) was a bit of a dick; his "job" was to note down any misdemeanors of his fellow classmates and report them to the teachers. He was not very popular. That day, though, he crossed the line a bit too far; he confiscated a pack of cards from another kid, let's call him Joe Normal.
Joe didn't like having his cards confiscated, so he just calls for a vote, right on the school bus. "Who thinks we should do away with this stupid bus monitor thing?"
And the bus monitor - who was right at the front of the bus - gives off a sniff, real posh and annoying, and says - "Mr. Normal, I can hear you from the front of the bus. What do you think I should do about that?"
And Joe Normal just goes, without missing a beat: "Why, I expect that you'd vote, of course."
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:30:54 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
From Robert Pollard's Eat zine, a quick summary: professor says to class, "I find a good bowel movement to be just as satisfying as having sex." One of the students says: "Professor, either you're fucking wrong, or I'm shitting wrong."
I was teaching a class of mostly 8 year Olds. I'm a big guy, 6'+, 250lbs. I joke about being mean alot, give funny growls, etc. It works for me.
This little girl looks up at me, "you really shouldn't be so mean. It's not the most effective way to get people to do what you want".
c0raline ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 19:29:48 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I'm late to this thread but one time I was at work talking to a customer and her friend (boyfriend?) And she accidentally called my store the wrong name. Her boyfriend corrected her and she basically did a facepalm, saying she just got the names mixed up. Her boyfriend was teasing her saying things like "Are you okay? Do you know the date? Tell me, what state are you in right now?" And she quickly responded with "A state of confusion apparently."
sekotsk ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 20:19:18 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
"Put that into an email and send it to me. Sometimes I need something funny to read and laugh at.", when an employee asked the (honestly funny, fair and generally pretty good) boss if we could close the store for a day and have everybody go see a movie instead of going to work.
Tardy to the party... I worked summers in a hotel on Martha's Vineyard. A lot of the staff were studying hotel resto blah, blah, blah. We got three meals a day and the chef, Jim, tried to mix things up. One lunch we get soup and open face sandwiches. Dude from Brooklyn: Hey Jim, where are the tops to these sandwiches? Jim: They're open face so shut yours.
Was getting hollered at by my high school dean for being late or something (all-boys Catholic school, so faculty was pretty straightforward and didn't sugarcoat anything to protect our delicate feelings) and I was talking back to him, and he replied "Boy, if I wanted to hear shit come out of your mouth, I'd just give you a good squeeze"
I walked away, cursed to think about that interaction for every shower and bedtime for the rest of my life
Working on the border years ago I was sitting with two other crew members. Halloween was coming up. My very dark indio Hispanic coworker asked the old white guy what he should be for Halloween. Without missing a beat the old white guy says "why don't you shove a broomstick up your ass and go as a fudgesicle?"
My dad came home from work once complaining about having to deal with human resources. He said "... so I told the guy 'Look, you are neither human nor resourceful'."
Lady Nancy Astor once said to Winston Churchill, 'If I was your wife I would put poison in your tea!' and he replied, 'Madam if you were my wife I would drink it'.
When I was in high school there was this mean, fat butch that always made shit up to make herself sound cool.
One day she was regaling us about her new boyfriend, Vash. After five minutes of her going on I told her nobody cared and I'll remember this exchange for the rest of my life,
"You're just jealous because my boyfriend's dick is do big he can suck himself off!"
In English we had this annoying fuck named Mitch.
He was one of the types who doesn't know when to just shut up the teacher knew it too.
One day Mitch goes off on this stupid fucking tangent making fun of people and giving them nick names. I looked at my teacher to see if she was going to do anything. Calmly, she puts down her pencil and looks Mitch right in his fucking eyes, as if god were peering into one's soul and asks," Do you have a nick name?"
"Yeah call me Mini-Me," Mitch said.
Without missing a beat," Does that refer to your intellect or a body part?"
Class goes crazy(inner city school)
DAAAAAAAMMMMMMMNNNNNNNNNNNN!!!!!!
Rarnrnus ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 00:35:15 on November 16, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Years ago I had a coworker with a vey, very thick Brooklyn accent that was frequently commented on, as we were in a small Oregon town. After a long and busy day, a nice dad buying dog food asked her, "where is your accent from?"
Her response : "from my mouth."
I lost it.
In Hawaii on our honeymoon, we were going on a walking tour around Volcanos National Park and overlooking a cliff before the tour began. An older gentleman came up and stood near us and observed the scenery, taking pictures, not saying anything for over 10 minutes.
A family pulls up in their vehicle and the child with them is screaming/crying and doesn't want to do anything. Just then, my wife and I hear from the man, "Oh good, the human sacrifice is here".
I laughed so hard that I started crying, and he just winked and walked off taking pictures. It was beautiful
[deleted] ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 06:26:44 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
FINALLY! Ok so i was at a bar with a group of friends, my buddy (lets call him peter) is a little on the heavy side but has never let it bother him. Anyway im getting a drink at the bar and can hear him talking to a girl behind me. Now peter has never been a ladies man but i appreciate his can do attitude whenever he aproaches women. After about 5 min of small talk i hear him ask this girl if she wants to dance! Now i was not the only one listening in on this because at that point all the guys i showed up with turned around from the bar to see what this girl had to say.. Her response was "i dont want to dance with you! You are fat!" And without missing a beat peter says "yeah i may be fat, but you are ugly! And i can lose weight" the whole bar lost it. Peter didnt pay for another drink the entire night, as legends drink for free in my town.
Server says to 8month pregnant bartender: By Stacy, Stay fat!
Bartender Says to idiot server: By Jerry, stay single!
[deleted] ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 07:05:09 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
had to borrow a pair of underwear from my dad. I said to him being a smart ass, "thanks dad, they are tight in the ass and loose in the crotch though" . Implying he has a small penis. He said to me, "it's because you have them on backwards, dumbass!"
During fish week in high school the seniors made the freshmen have a push up contest during lunch. One of the freshmen couldn't go anymore and his senior called him a pussy and he said, "I am what I eat".
My 8th grade spanish teacher would never let me go to the bathroom, to the point it turned into a running joke, my friends would try to get me to ask just so she would get mad and waste classtime,
Anyway, she would say "No you go everyday!" And finally one day I said back "I don't go everyday because you won't let me leave the room!"
She was less than happy and was still an Ultra C U Next Tuesday
I was at the pool with my (white) friend from New Zealand. I noticed she picked up a tan pretty quickly and asked 'do you have any Maori in you?'
She looked off to the distance and said 'I did at some point' then walked off.
Laughed my ass off
Guy I used to work in a large office with was always losing his security pass and used to ghost in behind people after going for a smoke. One day he follows this short ass guy (like less than 5 feet tall) in a suit who pulls him up at the reception and dresses him down.
OK he shouldn't have done it but this guy was going well over the top, and seemed to be suffering from short man syndrome - he was just some unimportant marketing drone but acted like he was the CEO.
Anyway a long tirade at the security guy on reception followed which the short ass ended by turning to my colleague and finishing with:
"I'm not happy".
Colleague reply: "Well which one are you then?"
I lost my shit, so did the security dude. Pint sized suit wearer went bright red and stormed off. Colleague got a new pass then and there.
goatsy ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 16:56:35 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Does it count if I said it? Working at a grocery store as a cashier, ask the customer if they found everything all right. They sigh and say no to which I respond, "Sounds like we win another game of hide and go seek."
[deleted] ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 04:52:59 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The first time I heard someone say "You are what you eat." after being called a pussy. I've heard it a few times so I guess its pretty common.
Continuing Ed class for license renewal. I am arguing with the instructor about a code issue. I point out the clear cut black and white passage.
Reluctantly, he gives in and says "Technically, you are right."
I leaned back and said "That is the best kind of right to be."
I am a dick sometimes. เฒ _เฒ
nvastay ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 06:14:00 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
My neighbor and I were talking about the news a while ago and I mentioned how ISIS decapitated a journalist. His response with a slight smile, "Well he'll never get ahead in life".
sp___ace ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 07:19:21 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
"may be you should suicide by jumping from your ego level to your intelligence level"
I hated a job I had and was ready to quit. One day near the end I butt dialed my boss. He called me back to let me know I accidently butt dialed him, I replied with "must of been one asshole wanting to talk to another."
A friend of mine was being hassled by a giant sized bro at a bar for wearing tight jeans. IIRC the guy said something like "Where'd you get those jeans, pussy?" Without hesitation my friend responded "They were the only thing in your mom's room not covered in cum."
dagormz ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 16:31:30 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
One time my Mom was yelling at my Dad for something. Once it's over he goes downstairs to grab a beer, my Mom followed him and he didn't know. When he was downstairs he muttered "fucking bitch". She caught on and freaked out. His response, "did you hear that bird?"
In high school my friends and I went to the Girl's basketball game against worst academic schools in the county. During the game a girl on our team was taking a free throw so the whole gym was quiet and a parent from the other team yells across the gym "YOUR MOM GOES TO COLLEGE!!" (Napoleon Dynamite was very popular at the time) and without missing a beat... one of my buddies yells back "YEAH WELL YOUR KIDS DON'T". The entire gym burst out in laughter... that was pretty good.
Solus68 ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 02:15:00 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)*
After being called a smartass:
"I ain't a smartass. If I sat on some ice cream, I could tell you it's cold but I wouldn't know what flavor it was!"
Edit: He was quite drunk, if that helps.
[deleted] ยท 20 points ยท Posted at 03:07:52 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Wow that's cringeworthy
Solus68 ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 04:13:19 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
He was quite drunk, if that helps.
CWRUW4 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 03:42:42 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
SO, on Thursday night this week, I was at the hospital with my best friend who was in labour. We were walking through the hallways in the hospital together when she exclaimed "WHY DOES THIS HURT SO MUC!H!", to which I replied, "well, you have a human trying to come out of you...". This has now been brought up multiple times in the last three days and I don't think I'm ever going to live it down.
One time at football practice, we were doing a drill called "mountain climbers". We were doing them for quite a bit before a team mate collapsed and didn't want to continue. Coach got mad and yelled at him to keep going. My friend just says "I can't, sir. I reached the top of the mountain"
If there was one thing coach didn't like, it was smart asses. He made is all run after that comment. We ran a lot. We gave that team mate shit for a while after that, but I always thought it was pretty funny.
My friends girlfriend dump him claiming he was too sarcastic. He responded "Me? Sarcastic? No." He kind of proved her point. Later, when he told me about it, before he told me what he said I interrupted him saying "You? Sarcastic? No."
I was with my grandfather when I was 12. We were on a beach in Arizona and a really cute girl is walking by with her dog. "That's a nice dog there" her response was "thank you" he then says "holy shit it talks!"
I was watching American Horror Story with two of my friends and one of them asked 'I wonder what it's like to kiss a ghost?' To which I responded with 'I don't know. Ask your girlfriend'. He high-fived me.
My Ex-Girlfriend was talking with her friend about how if a guy flirts then that means he likes you, keep in mind I flirt with her all the time, so I looked back and said "Well I flirt with her all the time doesn't mean I like her"
My boss loves throwing out witty remarks. One day our coworker asked him to help solve a problem he was having. And our Assistant Manager says "He can't solve shit." And my boss points at the AGM and says "Problem" then points at himself and says "Solver".
bafoon90 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 06:39:28 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Father: Did you hear that Mr. Rogers died today?
Son: There goes the neighborhood.
Lachwen ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 06:43:34 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Five-year-old being introduced to my big brother. The kid gave him that super-serious-little-kid stare, then announced "I'm precocious!"
His mom laughed and asked him "Now honey, do you know what that word means?"
The kid nodded, his face still a study in seriousness. "Uh-huh. It means I know too much."
I woke up sick and had to get on a plane with my husband for thanksgiving. I took a Benadryl to fall asleep for the 5 hour flight. I had a drink in my hand and started drifting to sleep. My husband tried take the drink so it wouldn't spill all over me. It woke me up and I said "The drink you're taking, am I finished with it?" "No" he said. "Then fucking leave it" He ended up taking it from me when I was really asleep.
Once my brother's friends were arguing and one said "you know you're a piece of shit, right?" and the other replied "yeah, well at least I'm not the asshole."
Once when I was working at the University Help Desk, a gentleman walked in on a saturday and asked if we knew where the college fair was, and my coworker said "Too bad college aint fair, guy".
My programming professor was a sarcastic asshole who, at one point in my first class with him, said: "you can be successful two ways: being confident or getting rich. I am successful." So me, being a sarcastic asshole as well, replied "how did you get so rich?"
He liked me from then on and I did well in his class
I was at a pizza joint and a kids football team showed up. Three kids and their mother were standing next to our table and she was taking pictures of the hooligans spraying chemical cleaners on each other while pretending to clean off another table.
I said "keep your camera out long enough and you can get a time lapse of my thinning patience."
My wife's face was extremely red from a combination of laughter and probably a bit of embarrassment. In my defense, I don't like the taste of chemical cleaners on my pizza
ookimbac ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 07:21:29 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
"Who gave that kid a license to live?", spoken by a guy who who used to reference the quote, "Live fast, die young, make a good-looking corpse", and he did, sadly.
My grandma and I were talking after my birthday dinner and I said something along the lines of "I know I can be a pain in the ass..." Before she interrupted me to say "Well, you are your mother's son."
At a local movie theater:
*petite teenage girl bumps into very tall young man
Girl: "Omg I'm so sorry."
Man: "I'm sorry you probably didn't see me there, I'm tall."
-smoothest on the spot delivery I have ever seen
Working in construction every has small minor injuries (busted knuckles, bruised elbows, burns). So every time I hear a "shit that hurt" I reply with "I didn't feel a thing"
When I was working the line at a local restaurant (long defunct) we had a waitress who was rather up tight and very religious.
We were joking around and one of the other cooks randomly asked her out for drinks the next day. She looked him up and down and with a look of total disgust on her face said "A snowball would have a better chance in hell."
He immediately responded with "So, a blow job is out of the question then?"
She was so shocked she couldn't move or speak while we all fell over laughing.
We were in a bottle store in Auckland and an argument was happening between an indian dairy owner and an asian bottle store owner about a price discrepancy. The dairy owner said "In my store the customer is always right, so that makes me right give me the cheap price!" the bottle store owner replied as cool as you like " But in my store you not a customer, you a motherf*****" and smiled, left him standing there and served us instead
When I was in high school I was over at a friend's house and his little brother, who was about 6 or 7 years old, was messing around with something in the back yard. I yelled over to him, "Hey, Mikey, whatcha got over there?" Without missing a beat he yelled back at me, "Why don't you bend over and I'll show you?"
I really loved "I got lost on my way to college." (From Jarhead)
unsignal ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 08:27:25 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I am constantly cracking jokes in front of my 8-yr old nephew, and he laughs a lot. We really get along well, and he's the apple of my eye. He's like the kid i never had.
My sister asked him one day how would he describe her different relatives in one word each. When my name came, the little shit said "UNfunny"
I didn't know what hit me. In front of me, he is laughing his ass off, giving me the impression he thoroughly enjoying the jokes. When her name came, he said "wine". When her father's name came, he said 'UNFun'. This kid is fucking 8!! How is he getting this vocabulary.
A fucking politician in the making
Blindii ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 08:32:24 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I was in my hotel room when I heard a British couple on the hallway trying to get into theirs, but the keycard wasn't working. The keycard comes with instructions go keep it away from mobile phones, so the woman asks:
"Have you been rubbing it against your phone??" to which the man calmly replies "No, I've never been with a phone". The woman made a frustrated "aarrggh!" sound and left to get a new keycard.
Girlirl ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 08:39:58 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
My co-workers and I were walking past a bridal store one day when I commented on how much I loved one of the wedding dresses. Without skipping a beat, one of them said "Yeah, it's nice, but where would you ever wear it?" I stopped in the middle of the sidewalk and stared at him, mouth agape, for a good 5 seconds before we both started laughing hysterically.
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 08:43:28 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Worked at a thrift store in 2005, processing donations. One morning there is a couch by the receiving bay. It stinks like piss. I ask my supervisor Donna if I can trash the couch because it smells like pee.
She asks, "Does it smell bad like pee?"
To which I respond, "Ahh no.. it smells good like pee.."
My buddy got in trouble in elementary school and the teacher asked if he wanted her to call his mom. He said "Sure. She can just hop on her broom and zip right over"
It was my last year of high school - drama class. We were sorting out the order everyone would perform their solo piece in (drawing names out of a hat). My friend's name was pulled out first, but he was sorted and a chill guy - he didn't care. That didn't stop this absolute bitch of a girl start laughing at him, saying 'Hah! Shame, you have to go first, you're going to be so crap, this is hilarious' and all this shite. Then, her name gets pulled out - she immediately starts bitching. "No fucking way, that's not happening, I will fucking cry, do you want me to cry?!" and the rather gorgeous teacher aide (ie: British guy on an OE) immediately comes back with a rather epic "Well it would be the first piece of good acting you've done all year". Bitchy girl actually cried, the rest of us cried from laughter.
My friends James and Sam were having an argument. The sarcastic comments come flying out of Samd mouth so James comments "you know sarcasm is the lowest form of wit SAM" so Sam quickly responds with "At least it is a form of wit JAMES". Those of us who were listening thoroughly enjoyed this comment.
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 10:24:20 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)*
My friend is a hirsute gentlemen, when he showed up at a party wearing a sweater, I asked, "Hey man, why are you wearing a sweater under your sweater?" To which replied "Why are you wearing a shut up, in your mouth?". Everyone laughed at me.
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 10:43:45 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I was in a boardroom meeting and there was this awesome tray of shrimp cocktail. I was having a go at them and this annoying guy says my name and tells me, with total condescension "the ocean called, they're running out of shrimp." I looked right at him and said "Yeah? Well the jerk-store called and they're running out of you."
Back in the 50's, my Grandpa would be driving down his farm road and pass another farmer. They would both wave to each other and my Grandpa would smile and say "Harryasshole" with the asshole kinda quietly murmured from his mouth.
In response to an insult "I've heard worse from better."
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 10:55:09 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Scout den meeting going on right before christmas, so we are all singing christmas carols and we get to one one about the three ships. One of my fellow scouts asks our catholic den mother something along the lines of:
"How was Jesus on three ships? Did they cut him up and put a piece on each?"
Yohji- ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 11:18:31 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I remember in grade 9 this kid was asking the male teacher what his sleeve tattoo resembled and he was talking about how people from Thailand got everywhere tattooed from their thighs to stomach. He started joking how he should get a tattoo on his ass. The teacher is wondering what he should get when this kid replies saying "You should get a tattoo on your ass cheek saying INSERT HERE" The kid got a detention but the reaction was worth it.
There was an overweight teacher at my school and she wasn't very well liked. This one kid was a bit of a wanker to be honest and shouted to her "Oi, Miss! Why are you so fat?"
She turned around and said "you try having 4 kids."
And he says "What? For breakfast?"
diarm ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 11:32:28 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
In college in Ireland about 10 years ago, witnessed an argument between a girl from a wealthy area in Dublin and a girl from a rural area in the Midlands.
The farmers daughter told the city girl she was "so ignorant", to which the city girl replied "its not ignorance... it's affluence" and walked away.
So it was in high school, geometry class. Nobody likes the geometry teacher. There was this girl i knew, kinda chubby, cute though. One day she made a comment to the teacher, "you should just jump out the window". And he replied, "at least I can fit through one".
My aunt was calling my cousin from across the yard and said she had to the count of 3 to get back to her or she was in trouble. My cousin, about 4 years old, responds with, "How about 5?"
imrj100 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 12:00:28 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Once a straight guy was bulling my best friend (we're both gay) and he said that he didn't understand how could be possible someone look so gay when wearing a Star Wars shirt (my friend is a big fan). A nonsense comment... Anyway, my answer was "well you're not straight enough to not look like a queer in that V shirt" He never spoke to us again.
Durbee ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 12:06:40 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
In a lecture, professor explains that that the male's contribution to reproduction includes determination of the fetus' sex.
Dude pipes up with "That's right guys, the power is in our hands!" Without missing a beat, sassy gal sitting in front of me shouts over the laughs, "With an attitude like that, your little "Power" can stay there."
I was friends with a girl on who broke up with my roommate. Within two months she announced on Facebook that she was pregnant. I was the first to comment:
Her: "So happy to announce we're pregnant! So in love!"
Me: "lol"
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 12:26:40 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
When i was younger my brother was being a really shit and mum told him to cut it out so he went into his room wrote down what he was doing and then walked back out to her and took a pair of scissors to it in front of her.
In a bloodborne pathogen training lesson once from work and the teacher stated " Any questions, there are no stupid ones?..."
At this point one of my coworkers stated " If your HIV positive person isawalking in a park and you walk under an acorn tree and a acorn lands on the top of your head and makes you bleed on the acorn and then that acorn grows into a tree and someone without HIV scratches themselves on the bark of the tree can you get HIV?"
My 9th grade Spanish teacher was this gringo in her 40s. Nice lady, a little on the hefty side. Seemed to carry weight in her gut way more than anywhere else on her body. She liked to wear mumu-type-gown-dress things.
Well, one day a few months into the school year, we had a substitute in her class. At the beginning of class, the sub announced, "My name is Mr. Rodriguez. Ms. Logan is could not be here today." Then some kid blurted out, "Maybe she's finally having that baby."
The class busted out with "oohs" that turned into laughter and left the sub standing there looking confused.
Kholdie ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 12:46:03 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
My friend earned a 1 grade on a test on college. After the class, we're all going down the stairs, she's the last one, I stop and say to everyone: "Open the path, the number one is passing!"
One of my friends was arguing and complaining about something stupid. It was going on for too long. My other friend says to him. "Thats terrible. A lesser man would complain about that more." He admittedly shutup
SGrumpy ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 12:47:00 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
In the Army a young gunner was caught walking across the grass by the RSM (Regimental Sargent-Major)
'Get off my fucking grass, you cunt!'
'I'm not on it Sir; I'm floating half an inch above it...'
RSM was gobsmacked and let him go on his way.
calhick3 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 12:47:24 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Everybody likes a little ass; nobody likes a smart-ass.
Incredibly late but here goes:
This came from my boss' 10 year old son at a work organised bring your family to the movies shindig. Once we finished up The Dark Knight, we all wandered across to the nearby bar where a function room was booked; security was promptly checking everyone's photo ID at the door, nothing unusual on the face of it really. That is until the boy behind me says, within clear earshot of the bouncers,"why are they checking ID if they just let me straight through? "
Smart kid, apparently takes right after his mother
If someone asks me an obvious question instead of replying "does a bear shit in the woods?" I say "is a frogs asshole water tight?.... if not thats one bloated frog"
I work in a psychiatric ward and was smoking a cigarette with two of our patients. Conversation ran silent so I asked: "If you could be a superhero, which one would you be?"
The first said: "I would not be a superhero, I am Allah and have all the power in the world" (he always talks about being God: "I dont have to clean my room, I am Allah, the greatest God of all", etc).
The second one says: "I would be Gerhard McDodgernelson." He stands up and walks to the door and meanwhile I ask "Gerhard who? I have never heard of him?". He goes inside and looks back one more time: "I have." (closes door)
Perhaps you should have been there, but I laughed really hard.
Where's the part?
It's in your mouth and everybody is coming.
Phil330 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 13:25:42 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
My first week living in New York I was rushing down the Bowery to an appointment on East 2nd Street. (bad neighborhood at the time) It was the 1st day of Spring and there were several homeless guys on the street. Buried my gaze into the sidewalk and rushed past them nervously but one of the guys got up and followed me. He grabbed my arm and asked "buddy, do you have a match?" Very uptight me mutters "no, I don't smoke". He yells after me "I didn't ask you if you smoked, you could be a pyromaniac".
When I was 18 my best friend at the time who was 16 about to turn 17 was dating my 15 year old cousin. We went out to Denny's and the two of them got in an argument. My cousin sat at a separate table from Mike and I. I kept trying to get her to come over and sit next to us. Then all of a sudden a girl at the table behind us with about 5 of her friends leans over the booth and says
Girl: excuse me how old are you"
Me: "18, why?"
Girl: "How old is she?"
Me: "15."
Girl: "Don't you think you're a little old to be hitting on a 15 year old?"
Me: "actually she's my cousin."
Girl: "Oh."
Mike: "Gee don't you feel like an idiot, maybe you should mind your business and not stick your nose in other people's business, that way you won't make an ass of yourself in front of all your friends."
Mrtimc ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 13:31:26 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
At work one day the young work said this gem to the sales rep who was talking smack. " if you want you're cumback it's on you're mums chest ".
In a wood shop class with the classic wood shop teacher who was missing a finger. Kid was disrupting class and the teacher yell: "do you think you're better than me". The kid says yes, and when the teacher retorts "oh yeah prove it" or something to this nature and the kids responds, "I can wiggle all ten fingers" standing up and wiggling his fingers up in front of his face.
It was at this point that the kid bolted out the classroom door as the rest of us all starred slack jawed at the teacher. Class was dismissed early. I never saw that kid again.
A woman I was having lunch with asked for a Pepsi. Waitress responded with the usual "is Coke ok?". My lunch mate says "Is monopoly money ok?". It was tongue in cheek but I was speechless at first
This dude I knew was quite the loudmouth and his own hype machine.
Now I'm not a looker. In fact I could be considered unattractive. So there is about 10 of these friends and such in this RV at a race track because it started to really rain. This dude comes in and immediately starts talking about if it wasn't for the rain he was going to be getting with this chick. Everyone is kinda annoyed but he wont stfu.
Finally I Get up, get in his face and say "How does it feel to be in this RV with me and all these people and still be the ugliest mother fucker here?" ...and walked outside and all i heard was 5 minutes of heckling laughter at the guy.
At work one day and some douche bag that had just started working there starts shadow boxing. 80 year old co-worker asks him what he's doing. "I'm a boxer" he says. Without even pausing to take a breath "son, from the looks of it, you couldn't box apples and oranges. Now do some fucking work." RIP Joe.
My brother was trying to make fun of me at a family dinner and asked me, "dude when did your hands get so big?" And without hesitation I said, "when they had to catch up to my DICK" I said that way too loud in a public diner, but 13 year old me thought it was worth it.
Donieguy ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 13:43:09 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Someone was staring off into space and got asked, "What are you looking at?" The person replied, "Not you bitch!" Everyone around this person just started going, "Ohhhh!!! Wrecked!"
We were coming back from a trip and my sister tells my nephew that as soon as we get home he needed to put the trash out to be picked up the next day, nephew responds with classic teenage attitude " I know already, you don't need to remind me". He could have ended there but the he continues with "I was already planning on it, I'm actually looking forward to it ". I just turned and look at him thinking , how full of shit he is, he looks at me and just grins.
The owner of the company I used to work had to pay out a harassment lawsuit for telling his employee he would shove his fist so far up his ass he would pull china out.
leitey ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 14:07:45 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Someone called this guy a ding dong. Without hesitation he said "thanks! I'm full of cream and girls love me!"
jeihkeih ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 14:09:35 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
[True Story] I was taking a pic with my ex and Muhammad Ali, he asks her "That your boyfriend?" She says yes. "You could do better..." Classic.
Sorathez ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 14:13:29 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Friend playing assassin's creed 2.
Is running from guards and says "SOMEONE IS FASTER THAN YOU!" To the screen.
He promptly runs into a wall and gets slaughtered.
Me: "Yes. But it's not you. "
beekay86 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 14:14:47 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
During high-school, a new teacher came to our class, it was a rowdy all boys class, anyhow, she was making her welcoming speech and goes on to say,'...I'll endure everything...', one of the smart ass cut her out and blurted,'dick too?'..
It all happened in Urdu since this is a Karachi story..
In my high school economics class the teacher had assigned my seat behind a kid that stood over 6ft tall. I, being 5'0, couldn't see the board. I had asked to be moved to no avail. Tired of not being able to see one day I decided to use some of my text books as a booster seat.
The teacher stops his lecture mid sentence and asks me why I'm sitting on my books, if I was trying to lean via osmosis or something. Without skipping a beat I said "Yes sir, I'm going to be a real smart ass." He wasn't even mad, just laughed. He reassigned my seat the next class.
My friend in high school told a teacher he had a stick up his ass, he said she couldn't come back to his class until she apologised. She missed many many classes until they ran out patience, so she finally apologised and said "sorry you have a stick up your ass". I bloody love her for being such a smart-ass
Rudem3 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 14:21:18 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Something I said actually.
Our high school had an organized TPing of the trees at our school for Homecoming as long as we cleaned up the paper a few days after. So as we were cleaning it up, an office administrator came outside and said
Her: Don't forget to rake the leaves too
Me: I don't remember throwing leaves in the trees!
I was an asshole but all my friends thought it was hilarious.
I have one friend who, if I start going into too much detail over a small question he asked, will respond by saying, "We don't need to hear your life story buddy!"
A friend to his pain in the ass coworker bitching about the company buying pizza for everyone-"Shut the fuck up is gluten free, add that to your diet."
Was heading to a local pizza shop with my uncle for lunch. The shop only had curbside parking. He drives a chevy truck and was parallel parking into a tight spot. A man noticed, presumably because he owned one of the cars walked over to the driver side window and yelled better not hit my car. My uncle looks at the guy and says, "why don't you do what I'm doing". The guy says "what's that?" Without hesitation, my uncle said " minding my own fucking business". It helps that my uncle is a 6'4" behemoth of a man, so that guy just turned around and walked away.
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 14:22:26 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
University professor walks by with colleagues, says to my group of friends walking by, "and here we have a bunch of geniuses.", to which I retort, "GENIUII, geniuii..."
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 14:24:04 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Teacher and kid in my class. Teacher goes: L, you could ruin a day in the park. L: I don't even go to the park.
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 14:28:00 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
In the UK we have a spectacles and glasses shop called Specsavers. They have made funny adverts with ppl mistaking objects and things because of their poor eyesight. So they have a tagline at the end of their ads. Whilst on a lunch break a friend and I were cruising through town for lunch and walked passed a Specsavers shop only to see an older gentleman walk towards the store and somehow walked into the giant windows. Everyone was in shock and a split second later my friend shouted out 'hahaha you should have gone to Specsavers...' this was the shops tagline. All to the amusement of all involved and surrounding pissing ourselves
I was volunteering at a local Boys and Girls Club with about 20 10-13 year old students in a 1000 sf ft room teaching Lego Robotics when all of a sudden an Amber Alert came across all the phones in the room at once. All of the kids reach for their phones and most of the kids look concerned. One of my students that is possibly autistic but really really smart is looking at his phone longer than the other students. About 10 seconds after the alert has gone off on his phone and he is looking at his phone deep in thought. He says the following in his best Wayne Campbell from Wayne's World voice
"I just wish there was some way for me to tell them...THAT I DON'T CARE!!!"
The room erupts with laughter. The students are looking at him as if he is out of focus but realize he says things a little different.
*Links have been added to help with cultural context for Reddit users not here in the United States or familiar with Autism.
beanz415 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 14:34:03 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
One time when I was like 10 or 12, I went to a friend's house with a new haircut. My friend's bald dad asked me what happened to all my hair. By pure reflex, no thought involved, I replied "What happened to all of yours?" I still feel like a dick to this day, ~20 years later.
A teacher (with cross eyes) shouted at my friend to LOOK WHERE YOU ARE GOING my friend told him to GO WHERE YOU ARE LOOKING
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 14:45:10 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
A long time ago, I was a residence hall director and the town the university was in had experienced a powerful storm that knocked trees down over power lines all through the area.
Power was out for a week. It was crazy.
The university opened up one of the residence halls to house power line workers from neighboring states who were sent in to help restore power to the area.
But of course, the residence hall had no power as well.
So, I'm working in the lobby with some of my RAs to check in these line workers when one of the linemen, a huge burley guy, asks one of my RAs in an indignant tone "why aren't any of the lights on in here?"
She looks him dead in the eye and without missing a beat responds with "because you haven't fixed the power yet!"
I lost my shit and busted up laughing.
Folamh3 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 14:47:57 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
This girl I know used to know this guy who was a bit of a creep, always asking her weird questions and asking for nudes. He was also a bit on the heavy side. One day he asked her "Hey, you're a lesbian. I was wondering, do lesbians get turned on from looking at their own breasts?"
She replied "I don't know, do you?"
as208 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 14:52:17 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
My cousin and I were rewatching The Patriot recently and at the very end the black guy says to Mel Gibson "your son told me we could create a new world for all men" or something like that. Before I knew what I was saying I popped off with "yeah, you're gonna have to wait about four-score and seven years for that." It was the most perfect comment I have ever said.
At a lecture the professor had just asked a question to the ~300 students attending and nobody answered. He followed it up with "Come on, the first person to say something clever gets a case of beer". A student then replied "Thank you".
One time I was riding in the car with my mom and older brother. For some reason they were in a semi heated argument. I don't remember what was said to cause this but basically my mom said "Why do you always have to be such a smart ass?" My brother just gave this evil chuckle and said "I'd rather be a smart-ass than a dumb-ass." Really pretty simple, but my 11 year-old mind was blown.
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:08:42 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
At a summer camp I met some fellow, who was really dead on, and on the last day, just as I was leaving, he said to me "You're company has been borderline satisfactory"
splipps ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:17:36 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Fifth grade and a kid was wearing a U of M pleather jacket. Girl tells him she loves the coat and she was going to get one until her quarter got stuck in the machine.
About 10 years ago the family was gathering over the Christmas holidays. After a few rounds of eggnog the conversation turned to crazy aunt Freda (not her real name).
The family is tough on Freda and my mother (Freda's sister) was trying to defend her. "She's just a very sentimental person" my mother says.
Without missing a beat my uncle fires back "more 'sental' than 'mental.'"
(To clarify, this uncle is from a different side of the family - not Freda's husband or brother).
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:33:05 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
"Oh! Lol you did X, Pan? HAAAHAAHAHAH"
kogasapls ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:39:17 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)*
On math stack exchange, one user is known for posting accurate answers to very tough problems very quickly, without any proof or work shown. Someone said that those answers were worthless without the proof. She responded with:
"The easiest one is to work in an axiomatic system that accepts it as an axiom. I prefer this approach when I know the result. Therefore, the full proof is given here."
Was at the farmers market back in the summer. Waiting in line for some home made donuts, I hear a kid behind me complaining about the heat. His mom says "We're almost done, just relax," and he says "I'm sooo glad we walked here instead of taking the car."
Kid was probably 6. He did the best eye roll when he said it. Mom just ignored him completely. More self control than me!
Blmdh20s ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:46:18 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I had a coworker walk up from behind and said rather loudly "What are you doing?!" without missing a beat I responded "It's called hard word. You should try it sometimes.". Everyone around started laughing.
Hey George the ocean called, they are running out of shrimp.
Lowery91 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:52:36 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Better to be a smart-ass than a dumb-ass. Short but sweet whenever someone calls you a smart-ass.
Chrisis_ ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:52:55 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
In English class in 8th grade I sat next to a pretty rebellious, smart-ass kid (C). Our teacher had just checked homework and a made a remark about how this kid never had his homework and kind of just put him on the spot in front of the class. So, when she had her back turned to check another table's homework, C decided to give her the middle finger. The teacher saw and asked him how "spending the rest of the day in the principal's office sounds?" C said "it sounds better than staying in here all day" and walked out.
I'm friends with a married couple who are swingers, and they are very open about it. Within 30 minutes of meeting them you'll figure it out if they don't straight up tell you.
A couple of years ago the wife announced on Facebook that she was pregnant. I was having dinner with half a dozen mutual friends so I shared the news. Another exact same time 4 of them responded with, "who's the father?"
blue_27 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:16:54 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I was with my friend and his mom going to the movies, and she told him to put some stuff in the bag they keep attached to the dash board for trash. "Okay mom, get in."
About to leave my office, "Well, I've taken up enough of your time..... ... .. and vice versa."
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:31:01 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)*
A sociology class in community college. The adjunct professor was a real piece of work. So this guy, right? He's talking about the pronouns movement, and the prof gets on his ass about using the wrong ones, and outs herself as, no joke, transracial other kin. Without missing a beat, he pops off with a "Well I'm transorry. I'm not sorry, but I identify as someone who is." I was just... Floored. We both got booted from the class. Totally worth it.
Upon my sister in law asking my sister to leave, she spun on a heel and said, "What? And miss all of your personality?"
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:59:31 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I was bartending and there was this couple, going on and on about how this music festival that was being held the following weekend just wouldn't be the same this year. Turned out one of the founders named Lester had died.
I said, "Well, guess it's gonna be a Les-less festival this year!"
At retail store I used to work at there was an asshole customer in one cashiers line. He just kept talking shit to the guy saying he didn't know what he was doing and how he was retarded and stuff. Cashier said something I guess because next thing I hear.
"Hey, your lucky I don't come behind that counter and kick your ass!"
"Yeah it's a good thing there's all this bulletproof glass between us otherwise I'd think you're a bitch."
More yelling and eventually the guy left and cashier got fired.
I use this one at times - someone says, "well, I believe," I usually say, "When I want your opinion, I'll give it to you."
4ThaLolz ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:09:25 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
My cousin has a 15 year old, and a 3 year old, both girls. The 3 year old has been picking up on the 15 year olds sass and back talk. One day my cousin asks the 3 year old to to something and she said "um, no I don't wanna, thank you for asking." And my cousin looks at her and says "Don't you start talking back to me, do it please." The 3 year old picks up her toy she's playing with and yelled "Don't you start talking front to me!" And walked out of the living room. We looked at each other and just started busting up laughing.
xv9d ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:10:16 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
My own mother once said to me, "xv9d, I'm not as dumb as you look."
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:11:22 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
My company pays for a swanky holiday dinner, me and my 15 other coworkers are sitting around the table, drinking, feeling good. We have a very eclectic group, religiously speaking, so joking about religion was never really taboo with us.
The new guy and his girlfriend are sitting quietly when my boss (a Muslim) said something about "Yeah, I'll do [thing] when I eat pork."
New guy opens mouth to say something, then pauses. I was training him, so he leaned over and said "I was gonna make an Islam joke."
Without missing a beat, one of our servers just does a drive-by and says "I'll take a hiJAB at it," and then he was gone.
In my HS chemistry class the teacher was quizzing us on the elements by asking people 2 at a time to come up to the board and write the abbreviation of the element he called out.
He asked one guy to go up there and the kid, very politely, said "I'm sorry. I don't know any of them."
The teacher made him go up to the board still, so after given the element the student wrote "Fu" on the board and sat back down.
A friend of mine talking to his dad and said he hoped something would happen. The dad said "Hope in one hand and shit in the other. See which one fills up first"
In algebra class we were reviewing rational functions, and the teacher asks for all the names for a zero of a polynomial. One kid raises his hand and says "asymptote", to which the teacher replies "well you can get kicked in the asymptote!"
In 7th grade I started up a little company (consisting of friends) to help manage a free gaming site. Well we hadn't gotten to the point of making any money and my short tempered friend out of nowhere says " I was making 10 times as much money at my mine craft server". Then my smart ass friend says "first name you have made 0 dollars here, 10 times 0 is still 0...
My friend was in a university lecture and she answered one of the teachers questions. Another student then very loudly started making fun of my friends voice. She ended saying "Your voice is so harsh" without missing a beat my friend replied "F*** Off is that harsh enough for you"
Your ass must be jealous of all the shit that comes out of your mouth.
Dymarob ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:27:09 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
One time on Christmas Eve, I was trying to convince my parents to let us open the presents early.
After awhile, I ended up blurting out "Come on, Present means right now, y'know."
We all laughed pretty hard at that.
stefonio ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:30:38 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I recently got turned down for a date, and one of the people in my pep band section was making a big deal about how I got rejected by me first college girl. This of course attracted the attention of another guy in the band.
Him: "I want to help, but I've never gotten rejected from a college girl."
Me: "Have you even tried?"
A kid in my Hebrew school class once was getting yelled at for goofing off repeatedly. The teacher said "I'm done! What's not clear about done?" And the kid responded "the o and the e"
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 20:00:46 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Not a smart ass Comment but a smart comment. My 3 year old niece reading the alphabets. I asked her "what is E for?" And she paused for a bit and said "you know."
I was in an English lecture and the lecturer was talking about double negatives and she pointed out how it's interesting that a double negative makes a positive but a double positive doesn't make a negative, then this one kid loudly says "yeah yeah" in a dismissive manner. Quick thinking and pretty funny, the class all laughed.
jonfaw ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:39:19 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Loudly, in a theater showing Aliens, when the alien mother runs Bishop through with a tentacle, "Queen takes Bishop, check!" First showing.
We had a small court house wedding. As I was signing the marriage certificate, my mom found out I was dropping my hyphenated last names. I opted instead to keep my middle name and adopt my husband's last name. I guess this hurt her ego a bit. So I told her not to worry since I would get my last names back after the divorce. The entire room just paused and my husband and I could not stop laughing. He gets my humor.
When I was around the age of puberty happening, I was playing rugby with some mates. I kicked the rugby ball up in the air for a mate who had a quite high pitched voice, to catch it. As it was in the air I shouted "your going to drop it", to which one of my other friends shouted "He wont drop that, he can't even drop his own balls"
My friend was talking to her five year old daughter in the car before going into a shop. She said, "You have to be patient and let me shop. You can't behave like a wild animal." Her daughter said, very matter-of-fact, "I'm sorry, mommy, but that's just who I am."
A retail clerk working by himself, was overwhelmed by a store full of people, on top of that he was trying to deal with an unruly customer.... The customer not getting the unreasonable demand that he wanted yells "Fu_k You!" at the clerk... and then the clerk responded "Well you can see that I'm a little busy right now, but check with me tomorrow, and I'll see if I can work you in."
Crayvara ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:45:50 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
You're not you when you're hungry. Grab a snickers and shove it up your ass, because of all the shit coming out of your mouth, it looks like your ass is going to do the eating now.
I was walking down the hallway with one of my friends when a large sassy black girl bumps into him, she turns and says "you better watch out" he quickly responds with "you better not cry"
I was once in history class, and my history teacher (who to all straight guys in the room was really sexy) bent over in a dress that she knew was way too short to be bending down like she was. Anyways,she bent over in front of the entire lass to pick up some books, and then she walked out of the class. the entire time you could see her cookie as she wasnโt wearing any underwear that day (i dont know why). and this one kid would not stop staring at her cooch when she bent down. as soon as she left the room i said โyo (insert name) i could see you really wanted to unzip her dress there you pervโ, and not two seconds later this girl at the front turned around to me and said โshut up (insert name), you know you like to unzip boys trousersโ. the entire class and myself were dying with laugher because of how true it is.
cowdawg ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:07:16 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
A couple weeks ago I was talking to one of my friends and she said "I'm not short I'm tall." That's when I said "Yeah, tall for a midget."
Treaduse ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:14:40 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
In 8th Grade PE Class our teacher made an announcement: "Okay everyone, you all need to know that your hearing tests are going to take place this afternoon..." Before he could finish his sentence a kind yells out the classic Dad joke "WHAT?!" And many people chuckle. Without missing a beat Mr. Muth responds with "That's Will Jackson everybody, spent all last night studying for this test!" Everyone instantly burst out laughing. It was a great back and forth moment of smart-assery
My favorite comes from Churchill! That guy sure had a quick witt about him. The way I have heard it is
Lady Astor: "Winston, you're drunk!"
Winston Churchill: "But I shall be sober in the morning and you, madam, will still be ugly."
Lady Astor: "Mr. Churchill, if you were my husband, I'd put poison in your tea."
Winston Churchill: "Madam, if I were your husband, I'd drink it."
Definitely an old one but still one of my favorite smart-ass comments ever.
Kolada ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:23:26 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
When I was in high school I had a class in which a friend of mine and I were not allowed to work together on group work because we we would always dick around. One day, the teacher told the class to pair up and work on something.
Teacher: I thought I told you two you couldn't work together.
Buddy: Don't worry Mr [teacher], we're not working.
When I was in middle school we had a substitute teacher and for some reason he asked us if someone does not drink or do drugs what does that make them? I immediately respond and say boring. The whole class is then silent and the teacher says no, healthy. Let's just say I was thoroughly embarrassed.
Years ago I worked in the electronics department at a Wal-Mart in my hometown. One of my coworkers (who wasn't a manager, by the way) liked to boss people around and not do anything. One day, I was dusting off the display TVs and she walked up to me, looked at the TV I had just dusted, and said "I can still see dust on this TV." I looked back at her and simply said, "But can you see why kids love the taste of Cinnamon Toast Crunch?"
Very confused, she remained silent until I leaned in and added, "It's the taste you can see." She then walked off. Winning.
My favorite smart ass comment is when someone calls me a smart ass. I always respond with "It's better to be a smart ass than a dumb ass"
acedog11 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:54:52 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I heard 2 kids fighting, I'll write the fight
Kid 1:"You suck dick!"
Kid 2:"You too."
Kid 1:"You spit!"
Kid 2:"And you don't?"
I have never seen a kid storm off so fast before..
One time in my freshman year, my friend was humming the tune to a song and some girl who thought she was Beethoven commented "Stop humming, your a little flat." My friend being the smart-ass that he was calmly proceeded to reply "so are you."
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:28:24 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
It would've been hilarious if your friend pointed to his chest.
FaolanG ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:58:26 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Was playing video games with a friend and admittedly had been gaining a little bit of weight. I accidentally left my mic on and this followed:
Friend: "What are you eating man? It's like 2am?"
Me: "I'm chewing on ice."
Friend: "Jesus Christ you've gotten so fat you're eating your water now?!"
Legit laughed til a shameful tear rolled down my cheek.
Upon seeing someone getting kicked out of the pub for being too drunk he shouts; "This is completely unfair! A restaurant doesn't kick you out for being too full!"
Seventh grade social studies class right after lunch. I let fly with a big yawn and throw a stretch in for good measure. Teacher asks, "Am I keeping you awake?". I said " No, you're putting me to sleep.". That'll be a detention.
it was me, actually...
a tour bus was having difficulty parking at the underground loading dock at the House of Blues Chicago, and blocking me and several more vehicles. after nearly ten minutes of back and forth, he gets out to see how much space he has. I roll down the window and shout, "what are you, the drummer?"
This was in my high school English class. Our teacher was the football coach and ran a tight ship.
Teacher: "Alright, who did the reading last night?"
Two kids raise their hand in a class of 30.
Teacher, raising his voice and visibly irritated: "Really guys? You're almost adults. Get your act together. Stop procrastinating. Do your homework. You wanna act like kids? OK. Everyone get out a piece of paper and write down the assignment for tonight."
In high school, a male teacher we had was below average looking at best who was married to this smoking hot blonde babe, pretty sure she was mail ordered. One of the kids ask him how the Mrs. Is doing, teacher said "she's fine, thank you" and without missing a beat, the same kid went "you're damn right she is!!"
I was working at a camp, and the 10 us were talking about the usual stuff, pokemon, and our obese boss, Jim. when we were discussing the gym leaders, the brightest of us declared that if we put our boss in a blender, we would have hundreds of Jim Litres
My parent's neighbor does yard work for them year round. Mowing lawn in the summer, raking leaves in the fall, plowing snow in the winter. My father is very critical of the work that is done, as there are a lot of unnecessary and expensive add-ons.
Keep in mind, the yard worker is close to my age, and has a VERY strong stutter.
One time the worker came unannounced and cut a lot of branches off of several trees and left a note with a price. My father came home angry and confused as to why this needed to be done. My mother told him what it would cost. And my father asked how she knew the price. My mother told him that the worker had left a note, to which my father replied "oh yeah, how many pages was it?"
When my ex-wife and I started dating we were getting ready to go out to dinner after she got dressed she turns to me and says does this dress make me look fat I turned to her without skipping a beat and say no your fat makes you look fat
Riveslaw ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:23:11 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
My canned response to nasty letters:
"Please be assured I will give your comments the consideration they merit."
Playing football and a teammate floored a guy when jamming him at the LOS. Guy gets up and after the play says "Hey, just keep going in with your arms extended like that, it'll make it easier to break."
Teammate replies "I'll worry about my arms, you just worry about getting knocked on your ass again bitch"
In JROTC when the med class comes in to demonstrate how to properly bandage wounds. I ask if we should get Mr. Hurt out (our SASI has these life-size, life-like and life-weight dummies he calls Mr. Hurt), as we were preparing to practice on some of our cadets. He replies, "No, we already have plenty of dummies here" while gesturing around the classroom.
CTeam19 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:41:22 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
"My Dad always said 'two heads are better then one even if one is a head of cabbage.'"
Grandfather's standard reply to anyone telling him what they wished for, "Yeah well wish in one hand and shit in the other, let me know which one fills up first."
Sitting with a group of friends, girl says to guy, "I bet your dicks so small I couldn't feel it in my ear." guy replies, "Maybe we should try, might make you smarter."
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:46:26 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I was the best man and my dads wedding (he and my mum were never married). In my speech I said that "dad said if I do a good speech he will let me the be best man again at his next wedding". Everyone was laughing accept him
mattortz ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:48:07 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
At the beginning of a night class in college, my teacher was discussing with the class how we wanted to distribute 30 minutes into breaks. He gave us the option of two 15 minute breaks or three 10 minute breaks. I suggested thirty 1 minute breaks.
The teacher had to leave the class because he was cry-laughing.
I work in real estate and have a few model homes that need to be opened / closed daily. I have 2 lazy co workers who never do it so I alwaysssss end up doing it.
Co worker: How do you feel about closing up the homes?
A guy was bragging to his friend about how many girls he hooked up with over the weekend, and a shy, timid girl walked past and said "and then you woke up"
I laughed my ass off and had a conversation with her. She said she learned it from her boyfriend who said the exact same line when she complimented his dick.
My first day of high school the geo teacher asks "what is on the Canadian flag" I immediately yell out "marijuana" ... I was the fist kid in my year to get scent to the office.
My aunt would watch us while my dad was at work and was a really cranky bitch, always used to tell us "no brains, no headaches!" when me or my siblings would make a simple mistake. Finally, either my brother or sister tells her "better than having shit for brains" after she says it for the millionth time and she lost it. It was great when she told my dad and all he did was laugh at her!
I worked for the state, and had a coworker name George who would corner people (in the hall, your cube, and God help us all he would follow you into the men's room). He lassoed Worthy Curmudgeon Joe on his way to the bathroom, and Joe said: Modern science has not developed the instrument to measure my indifference.
Back in my senior year in high school, my history teacher was planning on getting us class shirts. So he says out loud, "OK guys I'm going to ask you your SHIRT sizes so get ready." This one girl asks, "what for?" And I just said, "he's obviously getting us socks, dumbass." The teacher just laughed and gave me a thumbs up.
Bobbytom ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 21:10:46 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Late to the party but this was when I was 21 and on a date. Was driving to the movie theaters and a cop backed into my car when I was at a stoplight. After I pulled over and walked over to him there was an awkward silence so I said "so is this where I get to ask you for your license and registration"? I thought it was hilarious, him not so much...
When I was in high school, I had a friend who liked to one-up people. Someone would say something and he would always respond with, "Oh yeah, (insert brag here)". One day, a bunch of us are hanging out and someone mentions having family in P.E.I., to which my friend states that he's related to 90% of the population of P.E.I. This caused me to reply with, "Dude, incest isn't something to be proud of".
This surprised everyone, including myself, because I usually can't come up with smart ass comments.
A little boy was eating a doughnut at the farmers market and his grandfather asked him what part he could have. "The hole"
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 21:38:17 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
in the dark knight rises: "This is a stock exchange! there is no money for you to steal!"
Bane: "Really? then why are you people here"
japodoz ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 21:50:50 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I am proud of this one: My friends and I all do stage crew and build the set for the theater productions at our high school. We have too many people and not enough jobs so I am standing around talking and waiting for something to do. Enrique, my hispanic friend, looks at me and jokingly says,"Japodoz, why are you so useless?" (we like to shit talk each other a lot) I channeled my inner redneck and retorted,"Bitch you're so useless Cuba didn't want you"
Went to a music festival and John McInroe's band was playing. He kept asking the crowd "what do you want me to play?" My friend shouted "play tennis!" The whole crowd lost it
There were a bunch of people in a long line at an event and a cop was keeping order. This girl walks up and upset, asks the cop if that is the line for the event. The cop confirms. She says "You're joking!" The cop replies "No, if I was joking I would have said three guys walk into a bar, the fourth one ducks."
I was in a grad school class about teaching sex-ed and the teacher had us in groups going over a high school sex-ed test to see if we knew the answers. One question was "What is the average penis length?" (The answer is 5 inches) This attractive girl replies "7 inches". I immediately reply "My, aren't you ambitious."
"If I turn you over, will this thread be cooler? Because this thread is lame."
kusadama ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 22:43:06 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
When I was in middle school the swine flu epidemic was at its all time high and everyone is naturally freaking out like little shits. A student asks my history teacher, "Mr. D, aren't you afraid you'll catch the flue around all these kids?"
He looks her straight in the eyes and says
"Swine flu can't hurt steel" as he kisses his arms flexing.
rodtile ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 22:59:06 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Ok, so me and my mates are in McDonald at around 2am, we are all drunk but not messy. Except my one Mate who is fucked up and decides dancing on the table is a good idea.
An employee comes over all disgusted and says '' excuse me, this is a restaurant please get off the table ''
My mate stops and looks here straight in the eye and says '' this might be a restaurant for your family, but....... '' . Then we pulled him the fuck down before he got us kicked out. Hahaha
Not really the most smart-ass, but certainly the most worth sharing:
In high school there was a kid who, on the first day of school as a freshman, was probably already smart enough to graduate (possibly long before). He apparently had quite the "night life", Runescape I believe, because he would always sleep in class. Teachers always bitched at him until one day a classmate said jokingly, "he's just praying".... He clung to it, and from that point forward he adamantly insisted that he "found peace in constant prayer". It remained that way until graduation. The teachers stopped caring before the end of Freshman year, because what do you do about the smartest kid in your class being the one that sleeps straight through it... I've seen him awake between classes, but never in class.
Client: What the hell! I tried getting a first class seat for my flight and they're sold out. That's stupid!
Me: Wow... I wish my eyes where bigger so they could role back farther.
One kid in my Spanish class that is an absolute dick. It's the day before Halloween and we're talking about our costumes and parties n' shit. He gets super pissed of and yells "IT'S NOT HALLOWEEN YET FUCKWADS!" for no reason. Some chick in the background responds with "Then why are you wearing a mask?". Everybody begins breaking out into laughter.
A black co-worker and I were talking about my old neighborhood and that I still had some black friends from there. This new kid from a small town was listening to the convo and with a little pain in his voice said "Ya I used to have a black friend too" the way he said it caused the black dude to ask "well what happened to him?" the kid looked up and without missing a beat said "My grandpa sold him" and proceeded to walk away with a smile while me and my coworker flipped out laughing at what he said and the balls he had to say it. The black dude was built like a line backer without a gut just huge.
H3GG13 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 23:34:03 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
'I like your hair today'
'Thanks, I grew it myself'
jet645 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 23:44:40 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
When a teachers says "don't g smart with me" say to late I'm already a genius
On a road trip to Florida a couple years ago my brother and my sister where having some stupid argument over who knows what. At one point in the argument my sister got frustrated with my brother and told him to put a sock in it.My brother proceeded to take of his insufferably smelly sock and stuck it right in her mouth.
In one of my classes my best friend (who's a bit of a smart ass) was getting yelled at by the teacher (who's a dick sometimes), and after the teacher finished yelling, my friend just says "Mr. [name], your tie's not straight." The teacher responds within half a second and just says, "You're not straight!". For the rest of the class the teacher was sitting at his desk telling us about how he 'didn't mean it that way' and that 'he would never say that'. One of the best days of my high school career, hands down.
jakob777 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 23:56:33 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
You look like Dr.Phil ate Dr. Phil. - To a large friend of mine that indeed look like that.
GeebusNZ ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:01:43 on November 16, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
From Cricket: One of the all time great bowlers, Glen McGrath was getting frustrated at being unable to dismiss little known Zimbabwean cricketer Eddo Brandes.
McGrath: โWhy are you so fat?โ
Brandes โBecause every time I fuck your wife, she gives me a biscuit.โ
I couldn't stand this bitch. I was complaining about taking the trash out in the rain and this co-worker says -"What's wrong? You afraid you'll melt?".
Blh49 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:39:56 on November 16, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
"What happened to my hat?"
"Maybe it's with my dignity"
"Oh, so lost forever."
At the front of the Tiger exhibit at the zoo was a large window with a pool in front of it. A mother turned to her daughter and said "See, they put that water there to keep the tiger away from the window."
The daughter replied, "I don't think so; tigers like the water."
With as much condescension as she could muster, the mother asked, "Oh yeah? Where did you read that?"
"In a book... about tigers."
My wife and I tried our best not to let the woman hear our derisive laughter while gesturing cheers to the girl.
My senior year, my government teacher was casually talking with us about what people from each state was called (New York=New Yorker, Texas=Texan, etc.) and he realized that he didn't know what people from Utah are called. My friend sitting next to me instantly said our little box of friends (it was four of us sitting in a box formation and we would constantly crack jokes with each other) "Mormons."
Mz_Ktlyn ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:03:47 on November 16, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
A friend of mine said this the other day and I nearly died.
"I'd call you a cunt, but you lack the depth and the warmth."
A coworker of mine, who just turned 21 and is the youngest on my shift, came in and commented on something. My response was "children are meant to be seen, not heard." It was my finest moment at work.
My oh so sassy gay co-worker proceeded to use the comeback "Honey, if I can take a dick, I can take a joke" after she jokingly insulted him about eating too much.
One time me and my mother were in an argument (was in middle school) and she said I was behaving so badly that she was gonna send me to a disciplinary school. I look her right in the eye and said "You're bluffing". Everyone had a good laugh and I never got sent to such a school.
Another time I was having lunch with some classmates and one of the girls was being argumentative with me and being all smart. So in a voice growing in volume I go "Jessica, you should get slapped in the face" and at about this time she starts presenting one of her cheeks like she was daring me. And I finished with "WITH A DICK!"
Everyone starts laughing at the table but her (she had a rather shocked look on her) and one guy even had milk shoot out of his nose and was like oh damn...
One time at work I was serving a table of a really old couple and the guy looked like he hadn't had a laugh in ages. So when he asked me what kind of chicken was in the chicken salad, I told him Dead Chicken. His wife liked it alot but not him.
At my montessori school, we had 6th grade graduation for whatever reason and the teachers wrote speeches about each student and read em to all of the families and stuff. She was going awfully slow so I just started to read what she had to say about me before she would say it. She slapped my head and said I was making her look bad. Like she didn't know what she wanted to say about everybody she'd known for the past 3 years.
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:34:40 on November 16, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
"The 2 months that I've known you, I've forgotten more than you'll ever learned "
I'm not trying to self-promote myself, but last summer I was applying for this super competitive investment banking internship. Well, during the superday interview, they analysts took us to lunch. It is the week of valentine's day, so this guy start asking the interviewee's what their plans are for valentine's day:
"Do you have any plans yet?"
"Yeah..."
"What about you? Any hot dates?"
"Yeah, man...this girl from Tinder"
He then points to me and say:
"becausefythatswhy, do you have any hot dates?"
I say:
"I have a girlfriend, but she is kinda hot, so I guess I think I have a hot date, yeah..."
I'm very sure that joke is what made me get an offer from them.
17 year old me thought it would be a great crack to tell my mom if she got old I should look into euthenssia. She looks at me and comes back with "The longer I know you the more I believe in abortion. "
Girl student: Some people still believe women belong in the kitchen.
Black guy student: WELL WHY AINT YOU
entire class roared.
I mention the dudes race because I'm not sure he would've got away with that if he was white. It was hilarious though and I think the teacher (an older lady) even laughed.
Different day same class
Class is talking about irish stereotypes, and there's a irish person in a newspaper picture holding a knife as if "irish people are bad" in the slide show.
Same girl as before: THATS THE BIGGEST LEPPERCAUN I HAVE EVER SEEN.
entire class roared again.
No learning was had in that classroom.
Volt1968 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:06:50 on November 16, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
My boss walks in wearing a suit. I ask: "Now that Wards is out of business, where are you going to buy your suits?"
When one of the first Harry Potter movies came out me and my friend sat and talked too much through it like the annoying little kids we were. A lady in front of us turned around and told us to be quiet, so we kind of did but pretty much kept going. She turned around again and said she would get us kicked out. I pulled my flip phone out, unscrewed the antenna, extended it then waved it like a wand and said "Expelliarmus!"
She got up and moved seats.
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:53:34 on November 16, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
This kid was bullying a nerd and the teacher said...
Teacher: You shouldn't bully him because he might be your boss one day.
Nerd: That sounds like an insult to me, because I won't need to work at McDonalds.
My high school class was about 60. In freshmen year, my last class had 7 people in it. It was at the end and we were talking about this kid, Ian. He was homeschooled so he wasn't good at socializing. We were talking about how much of a dork he was when out teacher came over and told us to stop, probably because she was the dork in school. She said to at least not talk about him in class, so when the bell rang, I walked out and yelled "GOD IAN'S A FUCKING DORK!" down the hall so loud it echoed.
Fight with a girl whose friends with my friend,c. 2007
Her: I have plenty of balls
Me: So go choke on them and stop bothering me
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 06:11:59 on November 16, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Mid-debate in my history class in high school, my partner is arguing with the know-it-all true-to-the-books real-life Hermione Granger. She gets frustrated with him and tells him he's putting words in her mouth. He retorts "I'm not trying to put anything in your mouth."
Having a heated debate with a lady at a table during a wedding. Cuzโ Iโm like that. She was a lady who had a major sense of entitlement. She was going on a rant about how happiness is a choice. As someone who, and whose family, is very experienced with mental health issues, I took exception to this.
I discuss my childhood self-esteem issues. She asks (I mean, it sounds like a question, but is really a statement), โWhy? Why do you care about what other people think?โ My response: โBecause I am a fucking decent human being.โ
Her husband just sat there and let me go to town on her.
Pulled over by Police in Germany off the autobahn in the middle of the night because I had English plates on my van. Had all the paperwork for my delivery, was driving through the night fueled by pro-plus and redbull and not gonna make my delivery to hamburg airport in time. The two German cops were obviously bored and start asking for documents I didn't need or have which were in my office. After 45 minutes of back and forth the 2nd cop is pulling the inside of the van apart whilst the first guy asks over and over for the registration document for the van which is stored at home in the office safe. On the 6th time of asking where are you coming from and where are you going I finally snap and say "your mother's and probably to jail"...
2nd cop in the van nearly wets himself and gets out. They have hands on their holstered Glocks and I think I'm in really deep shit now. They have a conversation in German, look at me, smirk, and tell me to fuck off you cheeky English man.
We were talking about fire safety in class one day in about 6th or 7th grade. The teacher asked: "So what does it mean if you smell smoke in your house?" with out missing a beat, my friend called out "DINNER!"
Me and my old mate were being chewed out by our history teacher in high school because we were basically the shitheads of the class. During his rant our teacher said, "I mean, take a look at yourself..." and my friend stood back, looked down at himself and said, "What, literally?". Took so much effort for me not to cry with laughter!
Eltiah ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:36:55 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Professor - "You dress like you're homeless!"
Student - "Takes one to know one"
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:42:13 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
"I almost went to spacecamp so I am almost a doctor"
Can I talk about myself here? Either way, I'm with my girlfriend trying to ask her something and she says, "hold on, I'm thinking." I respond with, "is that what that burning smell is?" Pretty proud of myself for that one.
Maybe not the best, but certainly the funniest. When I was about eight my mom was paid to take care of an old lady with Alzheimer's. She moved in with us. I don't know why, but she not only though that I was her daughter, but the bitch fucking hated me. As a kid I didn't understand why this grandma looking chick treated me like I was gum stuck on her shoe. Anyway, one day I was talking to my mom who had been getting dinner for the lady. Impatient, the lady walked over, pushed me away from my mom and said in the nastiest, most sarcastic voice possible, "why don't you go sit on a tack and enjoy the point". I was nonplussed but all the other adults in the room laughed so hard and it became a whole inside joke for them
Now that I am older, I can agree that the delivery was fucking hilarious. Think Snape level sarcasm.
I used to work at the gorge, for those that don't know the gorge is the largest outdoor amphitheatre in north america (or so I'm told) with a connecting campground. I was working the gate next to the convenience store and a couple of guys had forgotten to bring lawn chairs to sit in during whatever show it was that weekend. One decides he's going to go get a couple at the store, he comes out and says
"Dude I just got bent over and fucked for a couple of lawn chairs"
Buddy: "why didnt you just give them money?"
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 09:15:24 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
After being called fat: It's not fat, it's the fuel tank to a sex machine, and your mum appreciates it!
A friend was taking his Jacket off before starting a game of wii bowling, whilst doing so he commented "I better Jacket off" to which I replied "come on dude, not here"
lemmy454 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 11:10:57 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
My housemate was having an argument with his then girlfriend and told her "you've said a lot of things today, and not any of them helpful". It tickled me.
Me - In high school, senior, my school just started enforcing a dress code which required a belt be worn at all times for males. I would often times just wear a string as a belt in protest (mostly because I thought it was funny, and because of the wording, it was perfectly acceptable).
Well, one day I forgot my string at home and an English teacher stopped me in the hall to write me up. This made me late for class. My class was also English, but with a teacher that was only 3 years older than her students. She was a senior while my class were freshmen. We had a great rapport. I walked into class late and she asked me why I was late.
I said, "because I forgot my belt this morning, and some English teacher wrote me up for it."
She asked, "which one?"
I said, "I don't know, I'll describe her, she has short greyish blue hair, and her body is shaped like a teddy bear."
Teacher lost it for 5 minutes. I had just described ever single one of the English teachers (excluding herself).
My dad can fuck your mom better than your dad can fuck your mom. This was yelled from a balcony at a bar towards two dudes on the street. They came up to the balcony and it turns out it was a father son duo. Long story short the father threw the first punch, missed, an with a lucky shot by my dood landed a haymaker of one on him in return knocking him out in front of his son. We got the fuck out of there promptly. We're just skinny white boy's looking for a good laugh, and we have a good chuckle on behalf of that unlikely story...
Maldzar ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 14:49:38 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Late to the party, but why not. Also a straight male.
A couple of my friends were in a conversation, which I promptly walked up to and joined them. As I was walking into the group, the asked "Hey Maldzar, would you suck a dick for a cupcake?", which I responded, without missing a single beat, saying "How big is the cupcake?"
One of my prouder witty moments
ext23 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:46:09 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
coming home from a party WASTED in a taxi with my friends at like 7am one morning. we were being loud and silly and pulled up at the lights next to a group of way too serious lycra-clad cyclists.
my friend wound the window down and said to one of them "how are you guys doing?" he begrudgingly replied "not bad, how are you boys doing?"
my mate said just as the lights changed, "a lot fuckin' better than you mate, we're in a car!"
When I was a kid I got bullied a lot. One day this bully was fucking with me, and I knew his parents had just split up, so I said "your parents don't love each other."
He was absolutely stunned and ran off crying. I felt kinda bad about it, but not really because the kid was a terror. And then my parents split up a couple years later.
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:32:08 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I'd like to build a desk and put it in you, for my house is full.
Worked at a video store with a smartass manager. Customer asks him if we have Y Tu Mama Tambien, but butures the pronunciation. He points at a shelf and says "yeah, it's right over there next to less miserables." [les miserables]
ananori ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 16:48:51 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
A girl got in an argument with a professor. The girl is a nursing major and she was fighting that her dress was to her knees. the professor said "Honey, you're going to be a nurse. You tell me where your knees are."
ananori ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 16:46:20 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
On a side note, while I think wearing miniskirts is kind of trashy in an academic setting, why is this a topic between professor and student? Is there a dress code?
There is, actually. Skirts and dresses MUST be knee-length or longer to participate in lab classes. There are other rules, but they're in place so that people dress at least business casual since we are nursing students and therefore required to "look professional".
JHTech03 ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 05:28:18 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
My old supervisor would always ask us as we are leaving work
s: "Where you headed?"
"class"
" liar, you ain't got no class!"
[deleted] ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 11:26:36 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Late to the party here, and while it was me, it sort of didn't happen, but it did. You'll see what I mean.
I lucid dream quite a lot, and this one was about 10 years ago. For some reason I was working in McDonalds in the dream, and bring uncooperative. My manager chided me with "fross, there is no I in 'team'" and I immediately responded with "There's no I in 'SUCK MY ASS' either!"
It was such a good line it totally woke me up. I don't think I've ever had such a good line while awake.
About 8 years ago i was late getting the train to school one day.
There were 3 other kids, two boys and a fat girl, from another school a little way up the carriage from me talkin about smoking weed. The conversation went like this:
Boy1: Yea i love smoking weed, but whenever i do i just tend to mong out and do nothing.
Boy2: Yea me too, i always get the giggles.
Fatgirl: Whenever i smoke weed i just get the munchies.
...
Boy1: Do you smoke weed a lot then?
At this point i accidently let out a very loud "HAA!" which made all of them turn around. I just buried my head in my paper trying to stifle chuckles.
Cute girl serving curries in a shop. Walk in with mate to order. He goes first.. Reading menu.. "I think I'll have a Rogan Josh".
I chime in with "Aww.. I remember when you couldn't even spell Rogan Josh".
He comes back immediately with " yeah.. And I remember when you used to date him".
Rekt.
Delvebot ยท -4 points ยท Posted at 05:02:39 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
in French class, in grade school. so our teacher tells us on Monday that there will be an upcoming pop quiz on some lessons we were having.... someone in the class (don't remember who) starts saying "Je detest le tests". Soon enough the whole class starts chanting together in broken French "Je deteste les tests!!" never mind it should've been "Nous..." but anyway the teacher looks around at all the students, kind of taken aback. suddenly, she raises her hands, and tells everyone to shhhhh. She starts writing on the board
JEUDI TESTE LE TESTE!
Now the whole class is freaking out. "HOW!?" "NOOOOOO!!" it had something to do with how we were pronouncing in French. I don't know. Anyway a couple of weeks later we made that teacher leave the classroom in tears because we were so uncooperative and rude.
lesson to take home: Kids can be evil little shits.
crop028 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 06:31:34 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Sorry, no knowledge of French here, and google translate isn't helping much. I get what the students were saying (I think) but what did the teacher write on the board?
We were at one of my best friend's bachelor's party and we were waking up the next morning and my friend, who is about 100 pounds overweight and smokes like a chimney says, in all seriousness, "fuck! I forgot my multivitamin". And I without thinking about it just blurt out, "yeah because you're the epitome of health. " And everyone burst out laughing. I felt horrible.
This was actually said by me, and I'm pretty proud of it.
With a group of friends and I was verbally sparring with one of them about something, I'm not entirely sure what. But the friend ended up saying, "It's okay, I guess I'll just be the bigger person about this."
And I responded, "Well, physically, you are."
According to the other friends there, this was quite the burn and quote it at me all the time.
[deleted] ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 05:07:35 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
[deleted]
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 06:35:44 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Wow you people are offensive. How many times must I tell you, we're not nuts! We're mentally extraordinaire
in high school, i had a class right after lunch where i'd sleep, food coma and all. the teacher called me out one day. told him i had to put my head down because the glare from his bald head was too much to stomach. he was pretty cool, so he basically gave this kind of, "i'll get you next time," look, and i went back to sleep.
[deleted] ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 11:16:25 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
"Why are you surprised there's a Mario Kart 8 after Mario Kart 64?"
chioshio ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 11:25:31 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Was out with family friends on vacation. The older brother starts teasing me as we're out, and after he was done, he told me "I'm only being mean to you because you've stolen my cat for the entire week."
And, without missing a beat, I reply "I understand why you would feel that way, considering that's the only pussy you'll ever get."
My little 5 year old cousin was wondering why flies rub their legs together. I told her thats how they tell if the thing its touching food or not. Flash forward about an hour. She sits and look at a fly for an hour and says "hey TEME i think you have a dumb fly. It's sure taking him a long time to realise the ceiling isn't food"
Shiveron ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 11:25:34 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
A friend of mine was at school probably messing around when the substitute teacher called him out and told him if he didn't knuckle down he wouldn't amount to anything in life, he replied with "at least il never become a substitute teacher", hilarious at the time but I bet that hurt..
In school me and my friends went to the school hall as the teachers had told us too. We then tried to leave and a classroom assistant said "Where are you boys going!" My friend turned around and said "HOME!" In a loud voice. They then had a stare of for 10 seconds before me and him left...the funny thing is...we were going to get something to eat, not going home!
L00fah ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 15:36:39 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
My favorite thing to say to nasty customers at the end of an exchange when I worked retail; "Have a better day!" with a big, cheesy smile.
Two of my buddies were loading a tractor tire into one of the buddies dads truck. They had been struggling for a few minutes to get it up and in, when the dad comes out, looks at them, and says, "Watching you two try to lift that tire is like watching two monkeys try to fuck a football."
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:02:39 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
In middle school on the bus, a group of girls were talking about boys they thought were cute, and they mentioned a friend of mine. This really fat, like morbidly obese, obnoxious girl said "eww, why do you like him, he has a big ole head?" Without hesitation my friend responds "shut up Genise, you got a big ole body." The bus erupted with the loudest chorus of "ooooooooooohhhhhhh" I've ever heard
[deleted] ยท -2 points ยท Posted at 19:37:29 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)*
I'm an electrician and while I was in apprentice school learning theory, one of my classmates comes in with a bandaged eye. everyone asks what happened and he mentions that he cut a wire and the end swung down and hit him in the eye.
One of the smart ass classmates then asks "but how did the wire get past your safety goggles?"
No one really bothers with saftey goggles unless we're using power tools.
[deleted] ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 18:32:53 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
one from me, on the subject of smartassery...
ive been called a smartass much of my life for being a shit in one sense or another.
"rather be a smartass than a dumbass" usually gets them in a better mood. hard to argue, usually elicits a "good point," or "fair enough" or something like that.
Some douche highschooler in the back of the bus is harassing the bus driver, as usual, today asking about her qualifications to drive, etc..
Eventually he says: "I just wanna be safe! My life is in your hands, [bus driver's name]!"
Me: "Then shut the fuck up and let her drive!"
I was in year 8, middle of a maths lesson and it started snowing, being about 12, we're all staring out the window in awe. My teacher gets upset and says if we continue, we'll be sent outside. Not a moment later I replied "what, in the snow miss?", she just chuckled.
My college roommate was talking to a female friend and she was blathering on about another friend of hers that was always one-upping her when she told stories. When she finally finished he responded, completely straight-faced, "That's the worst, I have two friends like that"
My friends get pissed at me for being a smart ass all the time. "Oh what're you playing?" "A game" "what's in this drink?" "Smoothie mostly" "where do you see yourself in five years?" "Probably a mirror"
My two brothers-in-law were bickering because the younger one lent out Call of Duty to a friend, and the game belonged to the older one.
Later in the evening, we were discussing the difference in performance between varying priced HDMI cables. The younger one piped up with some dubious information, backed up by, "I should know, I work at JB HI-FI (Australian games/dvd/entertainment appliance store)."
The older brother piped up, "Oh yeah, you work at JB? So can you tell me, where's my Call of Duty?"
At the bar my friend approaches a group of women, cozying up to one in particular. She lifts her hand and points at her ring. "I'm married" she says. "I have an Xbox" he said. she looked at her friends, confused, as he grabbed her hand. Looking her in the eye he says "I thought we were talking about shit that didn't matter"
Many funny fuses were blown
LanikM ยท -1 points ยท Posted at 11:05:08 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
364046 +(1590)- [X]
<TriPa^> my mother is a cleaning fanatic
<TriPa^> one Saturday she told me and my brother to get down to the playroom and straighten it up
<TriPa^> we had a party there the previous evening, and she was none too happy about the mess
<TriPa^> as she watched us work, it was clear that Mom was completely dissatisfied with our cleaning efforts and let us know it
<TriPa^> finally my brother, exasperated with having to do it all over, reached for a broom and asked Mom:
<TriPa^> can I use this, or were you planning to go somewhere?
SAGNUTZ ยท -1 points ยท Posted at 16:55:55 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I am a smart-ass so I wrote my own.
Person 1: You are such a smart-ass!
Me: Just because it talks doesn't make it intelligent.
I was caught cursing by a teacher in high school.
Teacher: "Do you kiss your mother with that mouth?"
GrimCreepaz: "No, but I kiss your mother with it."
Later learned teacher's mother had recently passed away.
I'm a dick.
[deleted] ยท -5 points ยท Posted at 03:54:46 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Some of my friends might see this. Hence throwaway.
This happened over a group chat. Many people in this group are borderline weeaboos.
This group was also put together solely for a Humans vs. Zombies weeklong game, and the rules we were playing were that occasionally, a ridiculous rule would be applied that, while ridiculous, has to be followed. At this point, a new rule had just come under effect where "Humans wearing pink clothes could only be killed by zombies wearing pink."
There was questions about what counted and what didn't. One such borderline weeaboo, C, asked whether the pink apparel had to be on top of the clothes layers. The mod responded by saying the clothes had to be top layer and visible.
I immediately responded "Sorry, C, your pink waifu underwear doesn't count."
Many people later congratulated me on that one. I am still so proud.
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 04:30:32 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
what's Humans vs. Zombies? Sounds like fun
air_moose ยท -2 points ยท Posted at 08:02:56 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
In year 9 at high school I was in music class and my teacher took a packet of maltesers off me and said he was gonna throw them in the bin, so told him I'll throw him in the bin if he does. I got 2 after school detentions for it
Was 15, mum was mad that I was playing video games all day instead of helping around the house. She came into my room and told me to go and clean the toilet and bathroom. I snapped back quickly with a shocked look on my face and:
"What? You can't be serious? That's women's work!"
Holy shit, I've never made a smart-ass comment to her until I had moved out of home.
[deleted] ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 06:08:00 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
That's a dumbass comment, sir.
[deleted] ยท -4 points ยท Posted at 04:20:11 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
When I was like 27 we were drinking beer at a local rock show. The cops obviously busted us. One cop has recently transferred to our small town from Dan Francisco. It was a huge cutler shock to him. He would talk in police code. It was funny.
He was looking through vehicles while the other officers made us nervous by yelling at us.
The San Fran cop found a Budweiser can that had to be 5 years old in the back of a buddies truck he had burrowed from his alcoholic father.
He showed us the can and said that whoever a truck that was is busted.
Everyone kinda rolled their eyes, including the other cops. My friend muttered "nice work Columbo"
It got a group laugh. The cops told us to do a better job at hiding our booze.
[deleted] ยท -3 points ยท Posted at 08:44:27 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
My dad was yelling at me to clean my room and said "Your room is unacceptable... Am i right". Me being a sarcastic asshole says "Well your not left so..." He got pissed lol.
Saved comment
teriyaaki ยท 1872 points ยท Posted at 15:10:50 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
In class circa 2009, where the student next to me is in trouble. Things are getting heated.
"Are you talking back to me!?"
"Yes, that's how a fucking conversation works"
cue open mouths
ananori ยท 520 points ยท Posted at 15:22:45 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
This man is an ambassador for all of us who were presented with that argument. Especially when the cunty teacher literally asked a question.
inevitablelizard ยท 73 points ยท Posted at 17:57:37 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Yeah, I wish I'd thought of that when I was in school.
Especially when you get accused of something you didn't do.
Pertho ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 02:05:11 on November 16, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I had a maniacal band teacher in Jr. High that thought I was satan. One day, as we are waiting for her to count us in to the Jurassic park theme she suddenly turns and yells at me:
"STOP LOOKING AT ME LIKE THAT"
All I could do was stare at her and stammer "you're the conductor? Where am I supposed to look?"
zanderkerbal ยท 7 points ยท Posted at 18:18:59 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
In my experience, "talking back" was disagreeing with the teacher. To be fair, I was in grade three and often was in fact rude, but they were, in elemetary-school me's words, "stupid idiotic meany-jerks."
TiggsMC ยท 17 points ยท Posted at 18:47:42 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I got this a lot, because I never turned in assignments on time or at all:
Teacher: Why have you not turned this in?
Me: I don't know. I guess I was doing insert activity and didnt get around to it
T: Stop making excuses. I don't understand why you can't do it.
Me: It's not an excuse. I gave you a reason.
T: stop talking back to me.
Me: ok.
[deleted] ยท 10 points ยท Posted at 19:52:54 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
It's not a good excuse, that is even though you did activity x you should still have been able to do the homework around time or you should just not have done that activity. So while it is an excuse, it doesn't excuse not doing the homework which is what that means in the context.
Zombiecidialfreak ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 06:37:41 on November 17, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
But what do you say if you can't explain why you didn't do your homework?
"Why didn't you do your homework?"
".......... I didn't do it?"
[deleted] ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 21:08:35 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Or teachers would play the trump card "stop arguing". At that point you can't defend yourself, because any counter or defense is, by definition, an argument.
Zombiecidialfreak ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 06:38:52 on November 17, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
It's the teacher equivalent to a kids "Everything Proof Shield".
locks_are_paranoid ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 20:57:20 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Teacher: "When was the war of 1812."
Student: "1812."
Teacher: "Are you talking back to me?"
Student: "You asked a question, what did you expect."
brikad ยท 20 points ยท Posted at 18:35:54 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Reminds of when a friend of mine was left behind after lunch, so he naturally went back to the classroom.
However the students had gone somewhere else first. When they returned he was waiting, and the teacher was upset he'd been away from the group.
He told her "I got left behind, so I assumed you'd gone back to class".
She responded with the juvenile "well when you assume things, you make an ass out of you and me".
His eyes boiled in their sockets for a moment and he spat back "no, just you, the teacher who's supposed to keep up with the students!"
Luckily for him, since the teacher had just said "ass" in front of 25 kids, there was little she could do to punish him. Geeze, what a dumb twat that woman was.
unduffytable ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 17:46:21 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Oh snap!
KittyHammer ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 20:45:38 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Time to steal this!
[deleted] ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 23:06:39 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
That reminds me of the phrase "You shut your mouth when you're talking to me!"
Kappadar ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:37:19 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Holy shit
NSA-SURVEILLANCE ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 20:17:01 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Savage
Chef_Girl_R_Bri ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:28:58 on November 16, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Savage....
letsbeefriends ยท 5105 points ยท Posted at 05:29:26 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
My 5 year old cousin asking my aunt if we can get McDonalds on the way home. She told him yes, if he could spell McDonalds. About 5 seconds later he says "uh.. Can we get KFC instead?"
Accendil ยท 2236 points ยท Posted at 06:52:11 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
"Yes, if you can spell Kentucky Fried Chicken."
RecklessBacon ยท 2382 points ยท Posted at 07:31:59 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
"F-U-C-K Y-O-U."
TriangledCircle ยท 422 points ยท Posted at 08:48:53 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)*
Would be more appropriate with in-n-out
KittyHammer ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 20:47:13 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I-n-a-n-d-o-u-t!
Wrong Billy! It is just N for and!
Trottingslug ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 11:33:05 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Where you don't have to pay for 5 years entire meal....
.... Just the tip.
Tratix ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 14:34:25 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
In-n-out*
IDKimnotascientist ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:16:42 on November 16, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Also taste better
MudDobber69 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 14:31:25 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
In-n-out
unMasqed ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 12:12:30 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
What you did there. I see it.
mbbird ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 10:09:18 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
5
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 14:42:39 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Say it in a little kid's voice and you're golden
Hellectika ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:28:15 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
M-O-U-S-E!
encinitas2252 ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 09:48:54 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Before I had hit rock bottom in my heroin use my mom had an intervention for me when I was 20. I spelled out F-U-C-K Y-O-U to everyone in the room then told the interventionist to go such his own dick and that he better not try to get on the show intervention because not even my mom was buying his fake sympathy.. I went to wilderness rehab 5 months later. That was in 2009, I'm now 6 years off dope. I still drink, but no pills or drugs other than weed and booze.
Xetanees ยท 1030 points ยท Posted at 07:56:28 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
"Kentucky Fried Chicken" is no longer the full name of the company. The company's official name is "KFC". "Kentucky Fried Chicken" is now just a colloquial name.
Source: Works at KFC.
QuasarsRcool ยท 588 points ยท Posted at 08:35:55 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)*
That's so fucking stupid, I don't understand why some organizations do that. It doesn't make any sense to have an acronym with no meaning behind it.
TLC did that too. It used to be "The Learning Channel" and now it's just TLC with no extended meaning. I guess that's better than keeping it "The Learning Channel" because it has turned into an atrocious network spewing out brainless nonsense shows.
tazfriend ยท 292 points ยท Posted at 13:20:37 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The original reason for this change was the Commonwealth of Kentucky trademarking the name Kentucky, trying to get money out of businesses with the name. KFC wanted none of that. http://www.snopes.com/lost/kfc.asp
kilamumster ยท 118 points ยท Posted at 14:44:04 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Plus, consumers didn't like that "Fried" was in the name, as it sounds unhealthy, and we were in a national anti-fried food trend. And they wanted to show they sold more than just chicken.
Source: I'm old.
CyberFreq ยท 24 points ยท Posted at 15:44:41 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Was this before or after they released the abomination of the Double Down
Galaxy_Ranger_Bob ยท 14 points ยท Posted at 16:51:40 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Nothing that tastes as wonderful as the Double Down could ever be called an "abomination"
Durin90 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:46:32 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Agreed. /u/CyberFreq is crazy for thinking that it's an abomination (assuming that he meant abomination as in it tastes bad/is bad for you and shouldn't be eaten).
kilamumster ยท 8 points ยท Posted at 16:38:36 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Way before. Way before they found that Americans say one thing but do another, about fried foods, in any case.
Bayoris ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 18:22:12 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
In the Snopes article it says that was the reason given by KFC's PR dept, but the real reason was the licensing cost of using the word Kentucky.
IZ3820 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 19:02:27 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
"Chicken" would piss off animal rights activists, so that clearly couldn't stay. The acronym was necessary.
TruthSpeaker ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 20:38:11 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Additionally, many people hearing the last two syllables of the first word thought the food contained turkey.
2manyc00ks ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 23:19:05 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
... whether its kfc or kentucky fried chicken the product is still fried chicken...
[deleted] ยท 11 points ยท Posted at 17:17:12 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Are you aware that you linked to the part of Snopes thats intentionally wrong to prove a point about not trusting everything you read on the internet?
tazfriend ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 18:35:17 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)*
Haha, I was not. I distinctively remembered having read this "fact" on Snopes, but a quick google didn't yield any credible sources. So I went lazy and added "site:snopes.com" to the search, and there it was. I mean if it is on Snopes it must be true right? right?
To add insult to injury, I love the story of how the "fact" that you eat spiders in your sleep is made up to prove that people are gullible. Seems I have fallen victim to the modern version of this.
EDIT: I am pretty sure I have seen a Discovery or National Geographic Channel documentary stating that mobile homes got their name from Mobile, Alabama. I will have some trust issues after this.
[deleted] ยท 9 points ยท Posted at 16:21:36 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
[deleted]
[deleted] ยท 7 points ยท Posted at 17:56:30 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
He's linking to The Repository Of Lost Legends. Note the acronym - TROLL. The Repository is full of bullshit as a way to try to teach people to think critically about things, not just accept it as true because it's on the internet.
http://www.snopes.com/lost/false.asp
billj04 ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 17:36:56 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
That's actually false. It's on the "troll" section of snopes. http://www.snopes.com/lost/false.asp
In any case, that's not how trademarks work. You can't just go and trademark a name that someone else is using, and hope to make money from it. Businesses in different industries might even use the same name if it doesn't cause confusion amongst consumers.
Niek_pas ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 15:24:25 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Could you explain what the difference is between commonwealth and state?
DartKietanmartaru ยท 7 points ยท Posted at 15:30:45 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
There's no legal difference between a commonwealth and a state, it just goes back to the origins of the state:
https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Commonwealth_(U.S._state)
ThirdFloorGreg ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 17:12:23 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Some states are commonwealths. This has no legal significance.
tazfriend ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:11:16 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I have no idea at all. I just quoted what snopes said. If anyone knows I'm curious as well.
Niek_pas ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:28:02 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Apparantly there is no legal difference.
sprocket_monkey ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 19:12:33 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
All the "lost legends" (under http://www.snopes.com/lost/lost.asp) are spoofs created by Snopes to prove how easily disbelief is suspended.
Blues2112 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:10:10 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I thought it had more to do with removing the "Fried" from the name, in order to portray a "healthier" product, even though nothing else changed. You know, kind of like what Kellogg's did when they removed all references to sugar from the names of their cereals? When "Sugar Smacks" became "Honey Smacks", "Super Sugar Crisp" became "Super Golden Crisp", etc....
[deleted] ยท -6 points ยท Posted at 14:54:00 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
[deleted]
EnderAlexander ยท 11 points ยท Posted at 15:30:36 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
We're not sure what meat they put in the whole pieces of legs, thighs, wings, and breasts of a chicken?
mojo4mydojo ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 17:16:23 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I heard this too. The reason being KFC's 'chicken' is so bloated with hormones it is pretty much a different life form from its original ancestors. It's like a mutant chicken.
And the Colonel is their Magneto.
[deleted] ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 17:18:08 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
And this is just a dumbass myth
mojo4mydojo ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 21:57:14 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Someone should call Mythbusters! ...I ain't afraid of no myth.
Randis_Albion ยท 8 points ยท Posted at 12:30:24 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
MTV didn't do it but there is also no longer a meaning behind the name.
QuasarsRcool ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 12:34:36 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Sure it does! There's music in the backgrounds of their shows!
I fucking hate MTV
Randis_Albion ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:51:53 on November 16, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
it used to be cool when i was a kid
bastion72 ยท 19 points ยท Posted at 11:26:34 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Rumor was that they started growing "chickens" in a lab and were forced by the FDA to change their name since they no longer sold chicken. Snopes put an end to that rumor though.
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:19:00 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
My cousin tried to tell me that once. I lived on a chicken farm that supplied chickens to KFC. I did not believe him.
Dravarden ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 10:47:44 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
same with gog.com
[deleted] ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 11:11:08 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
[deleted]
therealflinchy ยท 11 points ยท Posted at 11:33:55 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
and really, they sell some pretty bad old games too.
RedDeadRevengeance ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:51:48 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
barely more than a few weeks after changing the name they released daikatana
fucking DAIKATANA
therealflinchy ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 20:05:45 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I had fun playing it for kicks not too many years ago
Far from the worst game ive ever played lol
______DEADPOOL______ ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 12:48:04 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Can't wait till reddit gets shortened to rt.com
oskarw85 ยท 8 points ยท Posted at 13:38:36 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
It's Russia Today
scy1192 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:08:21 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
redd.it is an alternate domain name, getting close
NickWalrus ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 13:08:22 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Why the t?
DiversityThePsycho ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 13:42:37 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
reddit
NickWalrus ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 13:47:50 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
That's not how acronyms work.
I_worship_bacon ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 15:10:48 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
That's not how any of this works.
DiversityThePsycho ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 14:37:31 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
It's a thread about smartasses. Just go with it.
jamarcus92 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 14:48:26 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Doesn't it stand for "Good Old-fashioned Games"?
Dravarden ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:04:33 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
good old games, and yeah, it did, now, well, not anymore. Its just gog.com since they have new games too.
Lord_Kyler ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 13:54:29 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
In the case of KFC, the name change is due to the fact that the state of Kentucky has a trademark on the name "Kentucky," so they can make money off of the Kentucky Derby, Kentucky bluegrass, etc. Rather than pay out tons of money just to have Kentucky in the name, they officially changed the business to KFC and relied on their brand name recognition to supply the "unofficial" meaning of the acronym.
bailiff ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 14:12:23 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Huh... I guess that doesn't extend abroad then, does it? Because in Japan official commercials, menus, and their little ad jiggle specifically say "Kentucky". If you google for the company in Japanese it appears they still use the full name. But everyone calls them just "ใฑใณใฟใใญใผ" (pronounced "Kentakki").
im_a_grill_btw_AMA ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 14:30:09 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Yeah they pay for the word Kentucky in that ad, but not in every single thing they put their name on (anymore)
Lord_Kyler ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 14:44:21 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
According to Snopes, they eventually worked out a deal with Kentucky after they had changed the name, so it's possible they use the "full" name abroad and the acronym in the US, where it's better known.
billj04 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:37:33 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
That's actually false. It's on the "troll" section of snopes. http://www.snopes.com/lost/false.asp
In any case, that's not how trademarks work. You can't just go and trademark a name that someone else is using, and hope to make money from it. Businesses in different industries might even use the same name if it doesn't cause confusion amongst consumers.
Lord_Kyler ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 00:16:27 on November 16, 2015 ยท (Permalink)*
The article is listed as false because the rumor they are addressing is that KFC changed to an acronym to eliminate the word "Fried" or even "Chicken" from the title. In the article itself, it explains that while the company was attempting to pass off the change as getting rid of the word Fried to improve its image, the actual reason was due to the word Kentucky.
Article: http://www.snopes.com/lost/kfc.asp
EDIT OF SHAME: After further research, I discovered that I was incorrect. I was unaware that Snopes had a page of lies/jokes, and assumed that you had only skimmed and saw that it was listed as false. My apologies.
billj04 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 15:35:19 on November 16, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Don't worry about it. It got me at first, too. But I was shocked that supposedly Kentucky was able to do that, because it sounded contrary to how trademark law works. That's when I noticed the "More information about this page" link, which takes you to the article on "False Authority". Anyway, as Abraham Lincoln once said, don't believe everything you see on the internet! ;-)
bonerofalonelyheart ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 13:23:37 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I understand the TLC change, now "The Learning Channel" would be a total misnomer. It's not too much of a stretch to say that KFC sells Kentucky style fried chicken though.
Jetbooster ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 13:46:21 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
BAE systems (formerly British Aerospace Engineering) also
im_a_grill_btw_AMA ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 14:29:01 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
British Aerospace Engineering caught me slippin
jvniejen ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 13:51:12 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Terrible life choices
im_a_grill_btw_AMA ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 14:28:23 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Well.....they're not making it in Kentucky anymore
DiscordsTerror ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 14:31:01 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
My Spoon Is Too Big...
dunaan ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 14:35:04 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
MTV did the exact same thing too
fannyj ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 14:36:56 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The point is to get rid of the word "Fried", so you don't remind people how unhealthy it is.
skelebone ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 14:39:05 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
KFC changed the name to de-emphasize 'fried'. On a practical end, they now have a small logo that is easier to recognize, even for non-readers or non-English speakers.
JennifersBodyIssues ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 14:39:32 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Hey hey Say Yes To The Dress is a bomb ass show I don't care what you say
CBMECHA ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 14:49:22 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The acronym had a meaning, but Kentucky trademarks its name, which forced Kentucky Fried Chicken to pay royalties. Instead of paying the royalties, the name was changed to KFC.
Legacy95 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 14:56:05 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Same with WWE. They're just WWE now rather than World Wrestling Entertainment
Pretagonist ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 14:59:07 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Trademark reasons. You can't trademark an abbreviation. But if you change your name to a collection of letters you can.
torkel-flatberg ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:22:14 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Marketing people at KFC didn't want the word "Fried" in the name anymore since fried was associated with unhealthy food.
Marketing people at TLC probably thought "no one's gonna watch if they think it's all about learnin' "
AnMatamaiticeoirRua ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:30:29 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Rooster Teeth does that sometimes. They insist that RTX is just RTX, and doesn't stand for Rooster Teeth eXpo.
Cincyme333 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:33:43 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I thought it stood for The Loser Channel.
kendricklamatt ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:40:18 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Others may have already said this, but it's because the chicken isn't actually chicken and so legally, they are not allowed to call it "chicken" and instead changed their name to KFC.
ImALittleCrackpot ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:31:08 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
That's a myth.
kendricklamatt ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:33:14 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Oh that's good, I'm gonna go get some now
ImALittleCrackpot ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:48:39 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
It's already been posted several times in this thread, but since you appear to have missed it every time, here's the Snopes.
Thomasthesexengine ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:51:32 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Well there you go they changed their name due to it not being a learning g channel. KFC did it because they no longer use real chicken
Endulos ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:13:06 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
TLC actually still works for them...
Since all they show are shows about lives and shit "The Life Channel" works.
daddydidncare ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:17:54 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)*
you've just answered your own question right there. These organisations wanted to be able to diversify and offer very different products than when they started, only without completely parting ways with a brand name that's worth tens or hundreds of millions. Starbucks dropped "coffee" from their name shortly after announcing that they were going to try to open bars and restaurants under their banner.
alxstevens ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:18:11 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Just a note, this happened over 20 years ago just after Discovery bought TLC, well before the current wave of atrociousness.
CommanchyWattkins ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:48:14 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
In fact, over 55% of KFC revenues comes from China. Yum co., the parent company that owns KFC and Taco Bell has been doing poorly recently. They are spinning off their KFC business in China into a subsidiary...
aredditgroupthinker ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:48:54 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Honestly it has shows that make you dumber ( fake reality shows ).
ryannayr140 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:56:46 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
All organizations do this, when everyone knows what their product is it's best to shorten the name and simplify the logo.
onlythetoast ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:15:11 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
For some reason I couldn't stop laughing at that first line to your response. I can just picture a person with a grimacing face saying "That's so fucking stupid".
calgil ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:20:51 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Same with BP. Pissed me off when Obama kept going on about British Petroleum. That is not its name.
Ominusx ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:27:38 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Just to be that guy... Technically it's an initialism rather than acronym.
cholula_is_good ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:37:19 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
As a company, if you take hold of a nickname, you can begin to control it's message. Think beverages and more. They began to fear the name bevmo could be used to describe any liquor store so they rebranded as Bevmo to jump on the name before it could morphed by public opinion.
MattTheFlash ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:42:51 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
If pressed on that subject, TLC has said shit like "Tender love and care" or "True Life Channel"
mtcruse ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:44:33 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Actually the extended meaning NOW is "Terribly Lurid Crap".
take5b ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:56:21 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I think same for AMC? Used to be "American Movie Classics" because they used to show, you know, movies. Now it focuses on original program. IIRC they also used to show those movies without commercials. Basically TMC (Turner Movie Classics) took over that role.
KSFT__ ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:15:01 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
SAT also no longer stands for anything.
KSFT__ ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:16:48 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Acronym#Pseudo-acronyms
elevenoutoften ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:34:48 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
TLC - Tender Love and Care
<3
gooddaytoreddit ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 20:26:12 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
It's because they don't want to fry your chicken anymore , but instead F it up for you.
MorleyDotes ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 22:16:42 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
FEDEX - because that's what you call us anyway.
Valdrax ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 22:29:41 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
At least KFC still sells fried chicken.
TLC probably had to do it to avoid getting sued for false advertising.
supreme_banana ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 12:05:30 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
You used a perfect example yourself. When a brand either changes owners, or want to take the brand to a broader audience. KFC was widely known as just KFC around even before the change. The learning channel probably didn't earn enough money, so they had to change their entire strategy. And, as you said, it's not about learning anymore. Our society also moves in a direction where everything needs to be easily grasped, as the information flow nowadays is every so increasing. "KFC" is a bit more international than "Kentucky Fried Chicken" i guess.
QuasarsRcool ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 12:33:48 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
What if I told you that it was possible to have both a full title and acronym for said title? :O
supreme_banana ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 12:53:47 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Costs more to have different logos compared to just one, when considering how much branded paper, pens, clothing, signs, car decals etc. they have and considering the volume discount they get for just having one logo. Also, having both would disturb the international brand awareness. There are ~4500 KFC restaurants in the US, while there are 4563 in China and 9821 in the rest of the world (according to Wiki). It does matter for their strategy. In 2013 they had a $23bn revenue. Insane.
[deleted] ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 12:51:15 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
bitches love acronyms.
TheBigBongTheory ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 14:12:03 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Isn't it because the chickens they breed aren't actually classed as chickens because they're so modified, so they can't call the store Kentucky Fried Chicken?
PM_ME_UR_BUTTDIMPLES ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 19:21:26 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
From my understanding, it's partly to do with the health scares of the 90s about cholesterol, cooking oils and fried foods. You have the word "Fried" on your store's name. Any customer survey is not gonna be coming out favorable.
BlueHighwindz ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 15:08:23 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Why do some stores still have the "Kentucky Fried Chicken" sign up then? Are they fakes? Should I beware of the impostor fried chicken? Is the only way to be safe just to eat at Popeyes instead?
redworm ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 08:25:39 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
We know, we all simply prefer reminding Kentucky fried chicken that their brand is associated with the obesity epidemic.
ILikeMyBlueEyes ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 09:59:09 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
When I was a kid, my friend's younger sister always called it "Kentucky Fuckin Chicken".
FailedSociopath ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 11:16:30 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
And now they only use 1.65 herbs and spices.
RichardFister ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 12:46:55 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Fun fact, the three dots on the dominos pizza logo represent the three original locations. I used to work there and they made us take a stupid company knowledge test
Mox_au ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 12:29:49 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
C'OON
gkiltz ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 12:50:29 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
That's what 90% of people outside Kentucky called it anyway so why not
cdrchandler ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 14:12:27 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
It's the same thing with the FFA. It no longer stands for "Future Farmers of America" because the FFA isn't just about farming anymore.
SuperSexi ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 14:32:55 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
KFC was about 20 years ahead of the whole: LOL, WTF, ROTFL, etc movement.
I_worship_bacon ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:09:17 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Yeah because now they have Kentucky grilled chicken too. So it's not exclusively fried chicken it's kfc/kgc.
jondarmstr ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:39:40 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Wait what happened to "kitchen fried chicken"? I thought that was the new name? Or was that a myth?
sonia72quebec ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:08:48 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
In French it's PFK . P= Poulet/Chicken
72rambler ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:40:55 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
In other countries it's still Kentucky Fried Chicken though.
Source: I'm in Guatemala now and they are everywhere.
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:41:27 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
You should know better working there. They went back to Kentuky Fried Chicken in 2006. Most of their marketing materials still simply use KFC, but if you checkout their website you can see they are back to using the full name.
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:05:06 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
pretty sure the official name of the company was Yum!
Xetanees ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 07:12:24 on November 16, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Yum! is the parent company. KFC is a subsidiary.
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:51:23 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Its because they're not real chickens.
Seanshotfirst ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:25:01 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
In Canada, the newly built restaurants are called 'Kitchen Fresh Chicken' now
ZooRevolution ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 22:00:55 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
[...] "Can we go to KFC instead?"
"Yes, if you can spell Kentucky Fried Chicken."
"Actually, 'Kentucky Fried Chicken' is no longer the full name of the company. The company's official name is 'KFC'. 'Kentucky Fried Chicken' is now just a colloquial name."
itsnotbrad15 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 23:07:07 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Didn't kfc also have to change there name because it's not legally chicken?
SilentMango ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:21:09 on November 16, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Did MTV do this?
jamiebiffy ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 11:24:34 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Wasn't this due to the meat being so processed that it is basically past the stage of being allowed to be called chicken?
tehjoshers ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 11:48:07 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Nah, that's a debunked rumor.
jrobbertze9 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 12:44:19 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
They did not want the word fried to be in their name anymore as this is a negative association.
margarineorama1 ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 11:33:36 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
In New Zealand it's also called kai for coons or kai for coconuts. Kai=food. coons and coconuts=native Maori and pacific islanders. They seem to be genetically predisposed to lovin' fried chicken.
whoisirrelephant ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 18:06:38 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Plus they don't serve real chicken
[deleted] ยท -1 points ยท Posted at 17:00:15 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I used to work at KFC back in 2006, and they were transitioning to Kitchen Fresh Chicken. Is that no longer the case?
ali_7394 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 11:36:07 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Gotta do it like Palo Alto: ZYXFUCKUUUUUUUU
Flight714 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 12:48:41 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
anydayhappyday ยท 13 points ยท Posted at 07:44:20 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Going to remember this for future aunt duties!
Blue_Dragon360 ยท 19 points ยท Posted at 07:51:31 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Then it turns out they can totally spell McDonald's
[deleted] ยท 19 points ยท Posted at 06:48:45 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
That's legit
strawzy ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 15:41:30 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
damn I think he earned his kfc right then and there.
Medi-Saiyan ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 17:24:28 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Elementary school, a time when gym teachers were bigger bullies than any student could ever dream. We had this mean old she-hulk who barked at us to run laps rather than play volleyball. A particularly well spoken 10 year old peer, who happened to have won the regional spelling bee, complained that we should play volleyball rather than run.
The gym coach teased, "how do you spell annoying?"
To which Ben replied, "Y-O-U"
xteenaah ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 17:54:39 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Both of those replies are smart-assed. Good job.
abunadeez ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 18:02:54 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
lmaooooooo. i love this. my daughter had a kelly bundy moment once and actually sounded out kfc as "kufck". i still laugh about this
winteriscoming2015 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 14:14:36 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Now that's a smart kid.
Lichewitz ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 17:58:43 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
That reminds me of when I was 3 years old, my mom told my dad "Hey, what about we get P-I-Z-Z-A when we get home?" - she spelt it that way so I wouldn't get overly excited, as fat kids tend to get when there's pizza involved.
I immediatelly yelled "YAY, PIZZA!"
__-inserttexthere ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 09:10:34 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Copied joke
NigerianFootcrab ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 23:37:07 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I feel like I'm either reading wayy to into this or am fucking retarded, but this comment got over 4000 karma and gold for a reason. Help?
ktotogdeto ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:54:08 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I'm not from USA and I just don't understand why do you spell words in school?
NeatAnecdoteBrother ยท -14 points ยท Posted at 14:36:40 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
That's not a smart ass remark but still funny
Downvote
TYPkingston ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 16:47:13 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Thanks for telling us that you downvoted.
Downvote /s
NeatAnecdoteBrother ยท -1 points ยท Posted at 17:56:49 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Twasajoke.jpg
TYPkingston ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 18:42:08 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
If you're making a joke that isn't obvious it's a joke, don't act like it was so incredibly obvious afterwards.
NeatAnecdoteBrother ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 21:16:15 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
How's it not obvious? You really think I'm going around posting DOWNVOTE like anybody gives a shit? I feel like it would be normal not to assume I'm that retarded
TYPkingston ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 21:26:43 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
People do it often.
wheremypackageat ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:22:47 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I can't see the image
frid ยท 2661 points ยท Posted at 05:41:25 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Pretentious friend told us he was spending the summer at his family's cottage, working on a book. Smart-ass friend asks, "oh..? What are you reading?"
[deleted] ยท 790 points ยท Posted at 14:06:50 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Kind of reminds me of that scene in Blackadder the Third when Doctor Johnson (the guy who wrote the dictionary) visits.
"Doctor Johnson says he is happy because he has finally finished his book. It has apparently taken him ten years."
"Yes, well, I'm a slow reader myself."
brallipop ยท 219 points ยท Posted at 15:35:19 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
RanShaw ยท 147 points ยท Posted at 17:15:38 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Dr. Johnson: "This book, sir, contains every word in our beloved language."
Blackadder: "Every single one, sir?"
Dr. Johnson: "Every single word, sir!"
Blackadder: "Oh, well, in that case, sir, I hope you will not object if I also offer the Doctor my most enthusiastic contrafribularities."
Dr. Johnson: "What?"
Blackadder: "Contrafribularites, sir? It is a common word down our way."
Dr. Johnson: "Damn!"
CosmonautPetrov ยท 62 points ยท Posted at 22:29:18 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
contrafibularities
contra = against
fibula = bone in the leg
Contrafibularities basically means pulling your leg :D
AstridDragon ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:55:55 on November 17, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
FRIB, not fib. Sorry =[
CosmonautPetrov ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 23:55:08 on November 17, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Oh, damn.
slates-R-us ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 19:53:25 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Doesn't he say it's a perfectly cromulent world?
TheGameOfClones ยท 13 points ยท Posted at 15:30:52 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Blackadder references are GOLD.
[deleted] ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 21:19:25 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
A copy, sir, is like fitting wheels to a tomato: time consuming and completely unnecessary.
Daenerys_Fluttershy ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 15:24:25 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Has anyone ever actually sent you a picture of either their removed kidneys or an x-ray?
[deleted] ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 15:37:39 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I once received a photo of a kidney. It was quite large, possibly from a sheep or a horse. I've only recently started using this account again after a long hiatus which may be why I've only had the one picture.
AlmennDulnefni ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 17:03:26 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
An X-ray is no good for looking at kidneys. Need a ct or something.
another-cheap-writer ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 16:35:46 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Such an underrated show.
ShirtedRhino ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 22:35:44 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I don't think Blackadder is in any way underrated.
im_a_grill_btw_AMA ยท 12 points ยท Posted at 14:37:48 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Weird Al did a joke exactly like that on his "interview" of Kevin Federline. Took lines where kfed was talking about writing a book, and spun them to sound like he was trying to read a whole book in one year
redditho24602 ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 16:47:14 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
That reminds of a Groucho Marx quote. One of his friends sent him a copy of his latest book. He wrote back "Just got your book. Laughed from the minute I picked it up to the minute I set it down. Someday I intend reading it."
Erinity ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 19:50:32 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I don't understand
I_Believe_in_Rocks ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 12:24:03 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
This one is my favorite so far!
Geminii27 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 15:46:24 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
"I'm going to be working on a book!"
"Remember to color inside the lines."
dsahjdjj ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:55:38 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
All of these comments work much better with an English accent.
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:02:17 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Haha niiice
rikjames90 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:04:06 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
what WAS he reading?
geek_loser ยท 4528 points ยท Posted at 04:16:14 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
My uncle asked my dad if he was coming for his wedding (third marriage). My dad said: "Sorry, I can't make it this time, maybe the next one."
Mage_of_Shadows ยท 1210 points ยท Posted at 06:02:58 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I am imagining diary of a wimpy kid
eKoto ยท 158 points ยท Posted at 07:29:59 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Loved those books when I was younger. I always imagined him as preteen charlie brown.
[deleted] ยท 91 points ยท Posted at 07:46:34 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
[deleted]
eKoto ยท 112 points ยท Posted at 08:12:50 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
He was pretty depressing though. If you look on the side of the cover page his face gets progressively sadder and sadder.
Dremora_Lord ยท 15 points ยท Posted at 17:19:58 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Well it says Wimpy kid in the title..
PowerMugger ยท 12 points ยท Posted at 09:55:01 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
They're not even that old though?
holyfuxk ยท 38 points ยท Posted at 10:07:54 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I remember buying the first edition of the book in fifth grade, I'm in my first year of college now.
MrDerpsicle ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 18:42:18 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I remember reading the online version back in 2004 or 2005.
corsair238 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 00:21:59 on November 16, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Damn, those things are a year older than Diamond and Pearl only a couple years younger than Ruby and sapphire. I feel old.
MrDerpsicle ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:44:32 on November 16, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I'm 18. You're not old
corsair238 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:58:29 on November 16, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I'm 16. I was born last century. I know I'm not old, but I've seen all but one of the Pokemon games come out (in the US at least), which makes me feel old.
St31thMast3r ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:03:56 on November 16, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Fourth grade for me, senior in high school now. (2k16 woooo)
archon80 ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 16:10:23 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
At least 8 years old.
PowerMugger ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 21:03:12 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Wow.
archon80 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 21:09:20 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Yup I remember the book coming out when I was in 7th grade.
IAmTheWolverine2 ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 19:29:06 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I just think he's a dick...
TeamMagmaGrunt ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 20:54:51 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Reading the books now as an older person, he really is. I was so into them when they were first released (when I was fifth grade or so), but now I'm in college and for the past few years (probably around the 6th or 7th book) I can't see him as anything else but a douche.
actual_13_year_old ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 03:05:44 on November 16, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Except he's a huge dick.
TransgenderPride ยท 22 points ยท Posted at 16:39:44 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Great books. Loved them when I was younger.
The thing is, the kid is really fucked up. He's completely manipulative, self-centered, and it's kinda disturbing. Some of the stuff he does...
gamedemon24 ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 19:24:48 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
But karma usually gets him in the end.
[deleted] ยท 179 points ยท Posted at 06:47:58 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
[removed]
[deleted] ยท 316 points ยท Posted at 07:36:33 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
[removed]
[deleted] ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 13:22:00 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
[removed]
FINDTHECOMPUTERROOM ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 17:56:32 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Best Uncle 201X
gamedemon24 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:24:23 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Holy crap, yes
IAmTheWolverine2 ยท -1 points ยท Posted at 21:34:10 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Damnit, Shadows! This is the third comment that I have found of yours, and I havent wven looked at you history!
Mage_of_Shadows ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 23:42:50 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
tagged as stalker
IAmTheWolverine2 ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 23:57:58 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Its not that im a stalker, It's just that you're everywhere!
Platinum1211 ยท 40 points ยท Posted at 15:06:50 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
My mom post dated a check for my uncles wedding. 10k in 10 years made out in both their names. If they made it they could cash it. It was his 3rd or 4th marriage. Jokes on her, they made it.
Enigma343 ยท 16 points ยท Posted at 07:18:06 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Ross, is that you?
Frohirrim ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 10:58:15 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Hey, his uncle was on a break.
SupremePotatoDorp ยท 113 points ยท Posted at 09:04:31 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
savage
kirby2341 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 18:29:47 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
labyrinth
dev2488 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 21:37:20 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Rekt
Bolts_and_Nuts ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 14:55:13 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Jesus Christ why is this word becoming a thing?
PSIRockin243 ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 16:16:44 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Its been a thing for quite some time now.
[deleted] ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 17:15:21 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
smh tbh fam
buzznights ยท 24 points ยท Posted at 06:02:00 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
There are definitely people that this applies to
tombue ยท 112 points ยท Posted at 07:46:58 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
For example /u/geek_loser 's uncle.
AlaskanWolf ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 14:19:23 on February 1, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
Can confirm.
Source: Am also the nephew of said uncle.
IoncehadafourLbPoop ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 13:44:12 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
We have a guy at work that's been divorced 4 times. He started dating a new woman recently. I asked him "how is the future ex mrs. Bob Jones doing?"
RagingAardvark ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 15:01:09 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
This was basically my train of thought when missing any of my brother's weddings. I've actually lost count.
4ThaLolz ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 17:12:15 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I love this one! My fiancรฉ said the same thing to his dad when he called him a few days before the wedding, also a 3rd marriage. This made my father-in-law mad, new mother-in-law thought it was hilarious. We like her.
Patatopotato ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 12:06:45 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
"Ross, I will be there next time for sure"
mrpadfoot ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 12:28:31 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Is your uncle Ross Geller
Uncle_Skeeter ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 12:52:58 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Oh damn, I got a sunburn from reading that.
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:29:25 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
[deleted]
geek_loser ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:52:18 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
No, sorry.
logicalthinker1 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:58:54 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
shiiiiiiiit
Veshter ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:22:02 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Ross??? Is that you?
Zillatamer ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 23:00:33 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
My dad said the same thing to my uncle's 3rd wedding; my dad had a recreational motor sports event on the same day and is kind of an asshole. My uncle (mom's brother) did laugh, but my mom was pissed as I imagine the bride was.
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 23:27:18 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
OHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
greedcrow ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 23:35:49 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
When my uncle got married for the 3rd time my mom couldnt come. My brother and me said the exact same joke.
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:28:35 on November 16, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Is your dad Jack Geller?
the_man_Sam ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:51:36 on November 16, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
damn. That's savage, something tells me they didn't get along before this
Lnfinite_god ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:32:35 on November 16, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Was his name Ross?
UncleLongHair0 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 10:19:20 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
A friend of mine of 10+ years got married for the 3rd time and did not nvite me to the wedding and this is exactly what I wanted to say to him (but admittedly never did).
omaca ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 13:01:58 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
That doesn't sound smart-ass. That sounds just mean.
Autumn_Fire ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 09:35:52 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
REKT
DankKiller_Pat ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 16:33:01 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Is your Dad Chandler?
epicvictory ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 16:46:28 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
PIVOT!
Anima_Honorem ยท -1 points ยท Posted at 09:39:02 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
A friend of mine had to buy a pregnancy test and grabbed a two pack. I asked her if the second one was for the next time.
[deleted] ยท -2 points ยท Posted at 11:46:29 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)*
[removed]
ananori ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 14:46:43 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Yeah, I don't see the roast here.
[deleted] ยท -1 points ยท Posted at 14:48:39 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I'm using this.
wordpressilliterate ยท 1863 points ยท Posted at 06:07:58 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Mom: I see that you found the perfect resting spot for the clean laundry - on the dirty basement floor. Me: no one likes a smart ass, mom Mom: no one likes a dumb ass either, dear
flamedarkfire ยท 614 points ยท Posted at 11:32:41 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Is your mom Red Foreman?
[deleted] ยท 23 points ยท Posted at 20:35:14 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
OP is still sore from that foot in his ass.
wordpressilliterate ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 02:15:52 on November 16, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
She's the perfect combo of his whit and the cheery adorableness of Kitty.
flamedarkfire ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 05:44:25 on November 16, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Oh god now I can so imagine this whole conversation in that incredibly-chipper-to-the-point-of-being-sarcastic tone of Kitty's.
drew330 ยท 132 points ยท Posted at 11:11:41 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
This burns with the heat of a million Suns.
TheHornyToothbrush ยท 10 points ยท Posted at 14:14:17 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Sons*
legitstickman ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 19:45:11 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Beating of a million drums
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:26:20 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Yet only one son was being burned.
Leviticus59 ยท 10 points ยท Posted at 12:55:58 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
....but everybody likes a little ass.
SnarkSnout ยท 11 points ยท Posted at 14:54:58 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
When people say to me, "You're such a smartass!" I like to smile and say, "Well, you're half right!" and walk away.
df27hswj95bdt3vr8gw2 ยท 7 points ยท Posted at 17:14:36 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
You're just an ass?
SnarkSnout ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 17:35:01 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Well, that's the joke, isn't it? Because when people call someone a smartass, they are really just calling someone an ass. And they are judging that person (usually, it's a smug disapproval of the person's sense of humor). My comment back is meant to acknowledge in a tongue-in-cheek way that I know what they really were calling me, and that maybe I identify more with the other half of the phrase that they really didn't mean (you think I'm an ass, I think I'm smart, so one of us is at least half right), and that I am amused by their passive-aggressive little insult and choose to see the humor in it rather than letting it bother me.
It's a head-scratcher comeback that makes the insulter pause, and while they're thinking "Wait, do they mean they're smart? Or an ass?" I enjoy a moment free from their verbal diarrhea.
SaloL ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 17:44:48 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
"To shreds you say?"
GoldenPuppy ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 21:50:08 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Your Mom. I like her.
bidkar159 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 02:01:24 on November 16, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I like your mum
[deleted] ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 17:29:57 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
REFORMATTED
wordpressilliterate ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:14:33 on November 16, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Thanks! I tried to type it that way but it got messed up. appreciated!
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:33:15 on November 16, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
FYI: double enter to start a new line
aedansblade36 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 14:13:57 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Everyone likes a smart ass, dumb ass.
Dr_M4ntis ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:43:42 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Ten points mom!
thebluewitch ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:38:40 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Haha, I called my daughter a smart ass once. She looked at me and sang "Better than being a dumb ass!"
iamUberPro ยท 4878 points ยท Posted at 05:45:01 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I had a kid in my psychology class in high school who would openly sleep all class. We had a group activity with the topic "do girls know what guys are thinking?"
So we start and he's clearly not participating, doesn't know the topic and has resumed his nap. My teacher decides to call on his name
"Do you know the answer to the question?"
"What question?"
"Do girls know what guys are thinking?"
He looks over to one of our slower female classmates
"What am I thinking of?"
"I don't know..."
Looks back at the teacher
"No."
Puts his head back down to resume his nap
PoLS_ ยท 2755 points ยท Posted at 07:17:44 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
He's done this bullshit before.
Rainbow_Doughnuts23 ยท 2128 points ยท Posted at 07:25:38 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Wake me up when you have a real question bitch.
ImperialDoor ยท 913 points ยท Posted at 08:33:56 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
"Wake me, when you need me...
...Bitch."
evictor ยท 935 points ยท Posted at 11:47:43 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
And I said to her... biiiiiiiitttch
reinhart_menken ยท 617 points ยท Posted at 11:56:39 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
You said that? You said bitch though?
Manirattan ยท 301 points ยท Posted at 13:46:27 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Huh. Yeah.
Drinkcoffeeplaygames ยท 85 points ยท Posted at 16:19:55 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
"I said biiiiiiiiiiiiiitch"
sladverr ยท 48 points ยท Posted at 17:25:56 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I looked at that woman through the windows of her SOUL and I said.. Biiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiitch!
underwriter ยท 8 points ยท Posted at 17:07:28 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Mmhmm
DonnieKDarko ยท 13 points ยท Posted at 14:17:28 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Oh my fuck, Key and Peele were the best.
Dremora_Lord ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:24:02 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I feel like this is a movie reference... I can't seem to recall the name..
geomilod ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 18:02:43 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Key n Peele
ReadySteady_GO ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 17:12:32 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I said biiiiiiitch
[deleted] ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 19:09:38 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
floats into space
indifferential ยท 15 points ยท Posted at 16:14:40 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I do love a good halo 3 reference
incognegro6969 ยท -1 points ยท Posted at 16:10:04 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
When September ends
futurespacecadet ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:04:07 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
He's 36
Pagiras ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 13:26:54 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Wake me up when september ends.
henchman___21 ยท 629 points ยท Posted at 09:41:03 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Wtf kind of question is that?
Lightfail ยท 112 points ยท Posted at 14:40:55 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Yeah I'm wondering, what the hell is the proper answer?
WildTurkey81 ยท 18 points ยท Posted at 18:09:33 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Probably isnt an answer, it's probably more to just get discussion rolling about the differences between men and women. It could cover any natural differences we have in how we think, and also how our society either imposes or develops different ways of thinking between men and women. Could then go onto question the legitimacy of our differences, go into the sources of what we see as differences, all sorts.
dolphin_rap1st ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 20:03:06 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Sex. It's sex.
[deleted] ยท 33 points ยท Posted at 13:49:11 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
It reminded me of something Wittgenstein wrote: "If a lion could speak, we would not understand it." Maybe the question is, do men and women lead similar enough lives that we can understand each other, or is that impossible?
StabbyPants ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 23:30:21 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
we can understand each other only once we accept that we have different motivations.
micromoses ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 15:06:02 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
It's hard to tell whether it's the sort of question that's made up by someone who's never actually been in a psychology class, or if it's the sort of question asked by an incompetent teacher.
throwawayfucking9000 ยท 7 points ยท Posted at 13:59:27 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Not sure if it's the same with other schools, but in new jersey many psychology courses consist of questions like this that tailor more to females. I don't blame the kid for sleeping through it. When I took my course a few years ago it was pretty much just girls talking about their feelings for 180 mins.
GalactusCaesar ยท 9 points ยท Posted at 14:36:59 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
3 hours?! That's an insane period of time to expect teenagers to pay attention.
PM_ME_A_KNEECAP ยท 8 points ยท Posted at 16:25:11 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
College. 18+ is plenty old enough to pay attention for three hours.
GalactusCaesar ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 21:23:08 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The only 3 hour classes I had in college were lab periods.
throwawayfucking9000 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 07:22:30 on November 16, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
All are different. Mine offered 3 hour classes on Wednesdays but you'd be done with it for the whole week after that session, I didn't find it too hard to pay attention but that's probably because we'd constantly take 5-10 min breaks when some random chick would start to rant.
Flight714 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 13:52:42 on November 16, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I wouldn't mind spending 180 minutes learning what girls feel like.
[deleted] ยท -3 points ยท Posted at 14:05:40 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
[deleted]
Domideus ยท 19 points ยท Posted at 14:32:57 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I would.
Stratisphear ยท 13 points ยท Posted at 15:44:46 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Give it 5 and see if you still feel that way.
throwawayfucking9000 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 07:24:15 on November 16, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Especially when there's about 25 of them in the class and they all sort of know each other. The passive aggression waa strong.
NeatAnecdoteBrother ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 14:37:31 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
A stupid one
trevorcorylahey ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:03:14 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
He must have gone to professor x's school for mutants
thestickystickman ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 20:25:02 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The type that didn't happen.
redoverture ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:23:31 on November 16, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
It honestly sounds like a BuzzFeed click bait article
Triapod ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 08:09:59 on November 17, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I don't know...
battery_go ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:44:22 on December 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Oh come on, it's been at the top of AskReddit many times, in different forms.
Edghyatt ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:41:12 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
A sexist one. #yesallmatters
Mettalink ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:49:56 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Are you joking or serious?
Edghyatt ยท 11 points ยท Posted at 15:56:33 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
What would you gather?
A question that divides genders like that (ALL members of this gender vs ALL of the other one) assuming inhuman or superhuman abilities like mind-reading is inherently sexist.
But these discussions leads nowhere so no, I wasn't being serious.
PanchDog ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 14:10:05 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
He went to Cosmo High.
asylum117 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:20:06 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
A question considered decent in the American school system.
[deleted] ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 16:45:46 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Common Core public school questions.
CosmicJacknife ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 19:18:47 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
"What is the key concept of the essential question of place?"
I'm not making that up.
sharkykid ยท 1441 points ยท Posted at 07:19:12 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
This kid is a hero to high school students everywhere.
Rokusi ยท 1039 points ยท Posted at 08:17:04 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Some say he's still sleeping to this day, but that he will awaken when England needs him most.
webdevborninthe90s ยท 126 points ยท Posted at 08:39:06 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Some say the rhythm of his snoring once caused a tsunami
idiot_speaking ยท 215 points ยท Posted at 09:05:58 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
All we know he's called the Stig.
xXprofligateslayerXx ยท 11 points ยท Posted at 09:47:12 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
And he's off!
daschundska ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:04:29 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
To fight the good fight.
powergo1 ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 16:31:19 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
/r/unexpectedstig
Thade780 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 18:30:46 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I'm thoroughly disappointed now.
[deleted] ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 20:36:18 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
But little did we know, Stig is actually JOHN CENA
Oke_oku ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:25:58 on November 16, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Doot doot doot doot dooooot
kschmidt62226 ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 12:41:25 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Nice reference to King Arthur (and "Merlin", perhaps inadvertently?)
BlagartTosser ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 08:58:36 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The twist is that he isn't even English!
Better-With-Butter ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 04:28:07 on November 16, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The once and future slacker
pyroSeven ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 10:33:52 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
All we know is... HE'S CALLED THE STIG!
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 14:56:24 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
And, apparently, all the bullshit that happens to England doesn't count. Sleepy bastard.
AMIGO64 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:10:54 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Others say he's not even sleeping.
Cudipurp23 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:24:39 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
He's the hero England deserves, but the one it needs right now.
BatSloth ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:14:06 on November 16, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
David Tennant after regenerating?
Novadreamer ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 08:09:36 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Literally zero fucks given.
batmandarling ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 10:59:25 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Used to do that in high school from time to time. My pre-calculus teacher and anatomy teacher really hated me cause somehow I would still know the answers.
lagwagonlead ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:31:15 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
My 11th grade English teacher told me that if I sleep through class instead of interrupting she'd pass me. If I kept interrupting she'd fail me. I passed. However, I believe that was the sole reason I didn't win class clown. I was runner up that year and transferred the next year so I lost my only shot.
iccs ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:19:05 on November 16, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Man what high school students did you know
Kritur ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 09:07:14 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
When I was in high school a teacher of mine would give me candy if I offered to sleep instead of disturb the class... I still consider that a win despite the F.
the_ouskull ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 13:52:23 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
HE may think that, but in my classroom, kids start off with a 100 on their weekly participation grade, and every time I see them "resting their eyes" throughout the week, I don't say anything to them... I just dock 10 points off of that participation grade. Same goes for (excessive) talking. Feel free to be a shithole in the classroom... just expect to have to be a shithole in the same classroom for at least two consecutive years.
v3scor ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 07:39:43 on November 16, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
That's pretty dick-ish of you honestly.
[deleted] ยท 196 points ยท Posted at 09:14:55 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)*
[deleted]
brikad ยท 72 points ยท Posted at 18:39:14 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Somebody tried doing this to a particularly redneck kid at my school.
When he awoke to find himself pranked, he calmly pulled out his folding knife, cut the tie, and grabbed his bag, but not before saying "anyone does that stupid shit again, I won't put the knife away so quickly".
[deleted] ยท 21 points ยท Posted at 19:07:43 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
jesus was this like 50 years ago or something? if this happened in the last 10 years that kid would have been expelled for even having a knife in his bag
brikad ยท 26 points ยท Posted at 19:39:12 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Like 8 years ago. People around here don't flip their fucking shit over a tool like a bunch of babies. Hell, a lot of guys had rifles/shotguns in their vehicles during hunting season.
And lo and behold, the only person that was ever hurt at that school was back in the 70s when they still had archery class. Accidental neck shot. He was fine.
TheUnimportant ยท 7 points ยท Posted at 23:10:56 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I had archery in gym class. Never understood why. We used like safety arrows and there was never enough arrows so we would share. It was bullshit.
kjata ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 23:30:26 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Still, you had archery at all. That's pretty cool compared to my schools's offerings.
TheUnimportant ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 19:06:11 on November 16, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
10th grade me didn't appreciate it.
kjata ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 02:06:10 on November 17, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Past selves are ungrateful little twits without an ounce of perspective. I think we're in universal agreement. Unless someone thinks they had more perspective then than they do now?
bleyeb1 ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 03:00:28 on November 16, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
a 3rd grader was recently suspended in my area for pretending to draw back a bow while on recess. It's kinda bullshit.
GoRidersGo ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 01:59:15 on November 16, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
He was fine LOL Don't be a pussy Tom just pull that fucker out and get your ass to math class.
brikad ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:00:08 on November 16, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Pretty much. He was back at school the next day.
Emm03 ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 02:33:12 on November 16, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
There were kids in my high school who would play with butterfly knives in class and I'm sure people had all kinds of guns in their cars, probably both during and outside of hunting season. I usually carried some sort of pocket knife (usually with an under 3" blade, which doesn't technically count as a weapon) and went to school with a five gallon bucket of fireworks in my car on more than one occasion.
I graduated last year.
Stevied1991 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 02:57:26 on November 16, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
When I was in high school a kid got expelled for having a gun in his car. He was going hunting after school. I graduated in 2010.
vultureslayer ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 11:12:59 on November 16, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
In my middlw school you could get expelled for doodling a gun
Belimicus_rex ยท -1 points ยท Posted at 01:05:38 on November 16, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Whoa, what a badass, he brought a pocket knife to school
brikad ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 01:07:18 on November 16, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
He didn't "bring a pocket knife to school", rather he didn't leave it at home. His was one of a dozen knives in that room, including mine.
Belimicus_rex ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:19:31 on November 16, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Ah. Where I go to school, they'd probably suspend/expel a student for brining a knife in the building. Was he serious, then?
brikad ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 01:34:22 on November 16, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Moderately.
The threat would have carried the same weight with or without the knife though. Since the guys at my school weren't afraid to fight, fights rarely broke out, but when they did it was sorted quickly and that was the end of it, no bullshit.
When you let young men act like young men, things sort themselves out, and people grow up with a respect for one another. Cram them into uniforms and punish them for "rough housing" and they never develop, so they turn into thugs, or worse, pussies.
StabbyPants ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 23:31:04 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
that'd be kind of funny - did he roll with it and just pop the zipties?
[deleted] ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 00:41:31 on November 16, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The teacher had to set him free.
[deleted] ยท 404 points ยท Posted at 08:26:23 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
What happens when you try to roast a savage
FunnyWalkingPenguin ยท 8 points ยท Posted at 14:59:55 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Fried Savage?
hithisismark ยท 7 points ยท Posted at 15:02:39 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Kentucky Fried Savage.
FinalStarman1 ยท 16 points ยท Posted at 16:28:34 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
It's just KFS now
Slothmaster222 ยท 8 points ยท Posted at 19:22:10 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
M E T A
E
T
A
[deleted] ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 02:57:04 on November 16, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
W E W L A D
E
W
L
A
D
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:20:22 on November 16, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
They usually end up beating you to death with a rock and eating your corpse too!
mred870 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:31:17 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
People call you racist... was this a rhetorical question?
PaperlessJournalist ยท 22 points ยท Posted at 09:00:08 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Man, I have read this pasta before.
TreesnCats ยท 12 points ยท Posted at 09:57:57 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I have too, I can't tell if it's the same user or if this site is getting more and more illegitimate by the day.
[deleted] ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 15:19:31 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I'm pretty sure I read it in a joke book back in the early 2000s...
10ebbor10 ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 11:25:55 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Minus points for insufficient sample size.
throwawayfucking9000 ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 13:56:17 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Realest motherfucker in the room
The_sad_zebra ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 15:28:44 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Have you told this before? I swear I remember reading this before.
BeIow_the_Heavens ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 17:27:17 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
That was me in high school. Unbeknownst to my young self I had a number of mental health issues, one of which would have me at the mercy of incredible sleepiness in any class. A similar scenario played out in global history and somehow, while sleeping, my brain recognized that the lesson was heading towards bringing up Lebanon. The only thing I knew about the country was that it's known for cedar (The "cedars of Lebanon" was a biblical reference; I was raised excessively Catholic and although I didn't have much religious inclination, I had the ability to call upon a vast quantity of knowledge about it) , and the teacher called on me to be a jackass and let everyone know I was sleeping. Still groggy and yawning, I answered "Lebanon" and he said "that's...yea. And what--" as I proceeded to interrupt him and say "Cedar", and put my head back down as he shook his head and grumbled something like "kid knows the fucking future" or something.
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 14:57:09 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Well, he's right.
I_am_not_getting_it ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:45:22 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
What was he suppose to answer?
Gman2324 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:48:51 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
This reminds me of this kid I knew in high school. He did the same thing, only instead a decent come back when the teacher asked him a question, he just threw up all over himself. Then he went back to sleep. Isn't high school amazing?
CarlaWasThePromQueen ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:49:15 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
This sounds like Tim Riggins.
sonny68 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:17:31 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I had a kid like that in on of my high school classes way back. He was always in class sleep at his desk by the time I showed up, and would be asleep at his desk as I would leave. He probably lived there. Only saw his face like e times the whole year.
TransgenderPride ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:40:39 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
That's great.
FlapJackSam ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:46:44 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Sounds a lot like one of my friends who had that class as the first of the day and slept for 90% of it every day
dsahjdjj ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:55:00 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
To be fair, that class sounds like absolute bullshit.
K_Click_D ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:11:11 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Hahaha ah I love this guy
GuanoQuesadilla ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:21:35 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
You've either posted this story before or blatantly copied it from someone else. I've definitely read this before.
iamUberPro ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 23:36:17 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Yeah I've posted this story before, same thread title and lots of people haven't seen it already
Skithana ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:31:00 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
What happen afterwards?
BAMspek ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:30:52 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
What a dick. Like that's funny but how disrespectful. Just don't go to class if you don't want to be there.
[deleted] ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 19:08:46 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
It's high school not college.
MrDerpsicle ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:43:42 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Did you go to BHS by any chance? I feel like I might have been that kid.
Kinderschlager ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:05:42 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
had insomnia from middle school through senior year, i was that person in some of my classes
Snarfler ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:45:07 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I used to sleep through this government class in high school quite often. One day I'm sleeping the teacher decided to slam a large textbook on my desk to wake me up. He did so, but it didn't startle me because I'm a pretty deep sleeper. I slowly look up at him and he just says "oh, well you must actually be really tired. You can go back to sleep."
MothProphet ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 22:24:49 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
My Psych class pretty much had designated nap blocks. Gotta love "Meditation" Days.
kasubot ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 23:32:13 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Not a smart ass comment but a sleeping student story.
In HS english we were reading shakespeare out loud. One of the guys in class got to a monologue (i forget which play we were reading) and fell asleep while reading it.
My teacher figured if you were that tired she could let him sleep in class and got someone else to take the part.
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:40:03 on November 16, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
This seems like a really retarded psych question
PM_ME_STDS ยท -1 points ยท Posted at 09:34:54 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
He is so me.
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:27:02 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Na, you're not that witty
SneakyBadAss ยท -1 points ยท Posted at 11:17:12 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Basically my elementary school in a nutshell xD
dillon62 ยท -1 points ยท Posted at 13:39:02 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
This man is a fucking legend in my book haha
Nurum ยท -1 points ยท Posted at 15:43:13 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I was one of those guys that slept through most of college. I was in some marketing class and the teacher was going on about our big project that was do in like 2 weeks. She says something like "so I expect most of you have a good start on it already, hmm? How about you Nurum?" I just kind of smirked and said "it's not due for 2 weeks" and put my head back down.
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:26:12 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Haha, that stupid bitch. High five bro, she shoulda known better than to lock horns with the king broseph Nurum. God, I bet you got laid like, fifty times after.
It sounds like she wanted your cock, Bronado.
Keep on trucking, Bromancer.
Peace
Nurum ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:43:15 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Not really, just being a smart ass for a laugh, it wasn't really meant to be a bad ass comment
thatonemorgan ยท 2399 points ยท Posted at 04:59:02 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)*
I work at a fast food restaurant, and my boss just recently announced that his wife was pregnant. A few of us, including my boss, were eating some of the restaurant's food on our break. After we finished eating, my boss absent-mindedly rubs his belly and commented on how our food was starting to make him chubby. Without hesitation, a smart-ass coworker of mine says, "Chubby? Dude, you're further along than your wife." Luckily my boss has a pretty good sense of humor and just laughed it off.
Mamadog5 ยท 1248 points ยท Posted at 09:53:44 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I said that to my cousin once. He responded with..."Yep. I don't know if it's a girl or a boy, but it's going to be an elephant!"
I said, "An elephant???"
He said, "Yep, the trunk's already started out"
froderick ยท 18 points ยท Posted at 14:19:50 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I'm going to need an explanation for this one.
KittyRow ยท 122 points ยท Posted at 14:21:43 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
His penis.
froderick ยท -24 points ยท Posted at 14:40:47 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Oh, this would've been after they'd had an ultrasound, I'm guessing. I forgot that bit, I thought this was being assumed just from finding out that they're pregnant and that's it.
littlecomet ยท 53 points ยท Posted at 14:55:31 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I'm not sure if I understand your comment correctly, but I think you still haven't gotten it right. The man himself was saying he was pregnant because he was overweight, and that he was going to have an elephant. He knew because the trunk already came out and was dangling from his body...his penis.
froderick ยท -3 points ยท Posted at 14:58:36 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Oh ok, thought the person he knew once said his own missus was pregnant, and followed it up with their joke.
MenialTasked ยท 59 points ยท Posted at 15:17:00 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
You killed the joke you joke killer.
d3m0li5h3r ยท 9 points ยท Posted at 18:19:11 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
There is no man more accursed in the eyes of gods than a joke killer. I say we cut off his manhood and feed it to the goats.
agentmalarkey ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 02:08:08 on November 16, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
You mean his trunk
[deleted] ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 16:32:24 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
food baby "crowning"
TheEarlOfZinger ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 21:44:55 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
A little brown baby with sweetcorn eyes.
Finger-Ring_Friends ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 15:32:05 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I don't think his talking about his penis, there is another way the trunks going to come out of.
FartasticBlast ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 16:52:32 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
More like a baby carrot. The fatter you get, the smaller it becomes.
Galaxy_Ranger_Bob ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 17:09:51 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I thought this would have best been followed by: "Congratulations! Who's the father?"
Nurum ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 15:45:28 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I once rubbed my wife's belly and said "I love your belly, why have a six pack when I can tap a keg"
Neighbourly ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 16:09:30 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
and noone laughed
thomooo ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:46:50 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Reminds me of closing the bar I used to work at. My boss was helping and afterwards we were having a drink with another colleague.
My boss and his wife are around a lot to help out, so we all know them both.
He starts telling a story how he used to do a lot of cleaning here after closing and even doing messy jobs like cleaning up puke.
He goes on to say that there was one time he was outside of the handicapped toilet and heard someone puking. He then sees the door go open, a woman come out but immediately turn around and sees her puking (in the sink) again.
So he says he walked over, dipped her face in the puke (it apparently clogged the drain) and helped her outside.
To which I replied: "Huh. That sure showed your wife didn't it?"
He just laughs, grabs my arm and shakes it a little while saying "oh you..!" haha, great guy.
10nam95 ยท -34 points ยท Posted at 08:24:32 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I'd up vote but then the total up votes won't be '69'...
[deleted] ยท 16 points ยท Posted at 08:36:27 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
You can up vote now
im_a_grill_btw_AMA ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 14:39:38 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
But he won't upvote if the total doesn't become 69!
That's his secret...he never upvotes
ericbrow ยท 3959 points ยท Posted at 05:52:10 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
A student insinuated that two other students may have been having sex. The teacher responded "I don't believe in premarital sex." The laziest kid in class wakes up, "Oh it happens! It's a real thing. It exists."
aarchaput ยท 1488 points ยท Posted at 07:56:33 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
"Look, she can't be married to all four of them."
waywardwoodwork ยท 50 points ยท Posted at 09:55:57 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
What are you insinua-ooooooooohhhh
TightAnalOrifice789 ยท 14 points ยท Posted at 16:52:54 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
That they penetrated multiple orifices.
koopamancer ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 14:55:26 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Plot Twist: She was Draupadi.
Draupadi was married to 5.
Draupadi
TheLostCynic ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 15:23:09 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Spotted the Indian
koopamancer ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 15:37:53 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Captain Obvious.
ibbity ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 21:03:02 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Must have been quite a wedding night
talanton ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 15:10:44 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Jimmy Carr for the win.
canuckerlimey ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 17:30:07 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
What the fuck Cory and Trevor you can both be married to Sara that's just fucked
Draconiondevil ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:43:23 on November 16, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Classic Jimmy Carr
BowtieMaster ยท 79 points ยท Posted at 13:10:44 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Relevant SMBC
[deleted] ยท 27 points ยท Posted at 12:30:33 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)*
[deleted]
Im_a_smurf ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 22:23:13 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
M E T A
E
T
A
ElBiscuit ยท 18 points ยท Posted at 15:51:08 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Easy fix ... if you never get married, then no sex is premarital.
aedansblade36 ยท 45 points ยท Posted at 14:06:27 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Well what the fuck else was supposed to be said? She said she didn't believe in it, not that she didn't support it. It's like those teachers who said we have completely blue blood in our veins that turns red in open air.
108241 ยท 27 points ยท Posted at 15:17:20 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Shortening of expressions happens all the time in English. The teacher was saying she didn't believe that it was moral. This commonly gets shortened to not believing in it. Another example would be the phrase "the proof is in the pudding." By itself, this makes no sense, but it's a shortened version of "the proof of the pudding is in the eating."
aedansblade36 ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 16:04:17 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I'm aware of certain sayings. I live in Texas, it's a way of life for me. I was joking around, mate.
walkclothed ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 17:21:19 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
There's an old saying in Tennessee, I know it's in Texas, probably in Tennessee too
icepho3nix ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:58:57 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Jesus, I almost just asked you what the saying was.
Bkm72 ยท 15 points ยท Posted at 14:48:28 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I've got a variation on this. We'll call her Ms. N. She was an older super religious woman. One day she was getting agitated with the class and snipping at everyone. My friend saw an opportunity.
My friend - Mrs. N, do you believe in pre marital sex? Ms N - Oh my heavens, absolutely not
He knew he had her, so it let about 5 mins go by
My Friend - Ms. N, have you ever been married? Ms. N - No I haven't. MF - WHOOOPS!!!!
When she realized what had just transpired she got bright red and left the room. She ended up quitting right after that.
dankmernes ยท 15 points ยท Posted at 15:46:06 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I think your story is missing a very important plot point. Like she has a kid and that is revealed in the second act?
Bkm72 ยท 17 points ยท Posted at 15:49:19 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Nope. Never married and no kids. She was in her early 50's and essentially admitted she was still a virgin.
HanukkahMonster ยท 12 points ยท Posted at 16:09:48 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
And that's the worst thing to admit to a bunch of hormonal teenagers.
gr33nscr33n ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 17:30:30 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
But anal doesn't count!
kroka4loka ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 17:47:54 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Good on that kid! It's such a pet peeve of mine that people will use "believe" and "agree" interchangeably in those instances.
slept_in_dog_bed ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 20:24:00 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Reminds me how one of my managers doesn't believe in outer space.
tapeforkbox ยท 9 points ยท Posted at 09:50:15 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Hahahahahhaha
[deleted] ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 16:40:08 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
This is my go-to retort for any Oh, I don't believe in (X). I know what they mean, and I know what they're attempting to say, but, really, I just don't care.
elykl12 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:52:16 on November 16, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
This reminds me of a similar comment I once made.
My friend was talking about gun control and said, "Well I just don't believe in guns." And then I responded, "They exist all right. They're a real thing, believe me."
Travjbell ยท 635 points ยท Posted at 10:01:41 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I was in a lacrosse game, and at halftime, one of the players on the other team asked the referee "what's the score?"
The ref response still cracks me up: "It's how we decide who wins the game"
dupelize ยท 36 points ยท Posted at 19:34:56 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Shirley he should have seen that coming.
oyooy ยท 18 points ยท Posted at 19:56:27 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I just want to tell you both: good luck, we're all counting on you.
Tutush ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 23:48:56 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I just want to tell you both: good luck, we're all counting on you.
turketron ยท 9 points ยท Posted at 23:09:05 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
My dad has pulled this shit in me for years.
"Hey dad, who won the game?" "The team with the most points. "
"... Who had the most points?" "The winning team."
Screw you, dad.
[deleted] ยท 9 points ยท Posted at 00:28:37 on November 16, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
[deleted]
ahhjima ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 14:02:25 on November 21, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
that's from that movie, Airplane, right?
MrsHokogan ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 06:56:11 on November 16, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Classic dad joke. My dad is legally blind and therefore can't drive, so my husband and I take him where he needs to go. One day the three of us are at the grocery store next to the frozen vegetables. I see that some of the frozen veggies are on sale for $.99 but can't see which ones, so I ask "what's $.99?" My dad responds with "one penny less than a dollar" at the same time as my husband says "a monetary value." I rolled my eyes super hard.
xRaw-HD ยท 1597 points ยท Posted at 03:54:00 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Small gathering, and one of my friends just met my other friends fiance. He said ""Hi, there! I've heard all but good things about you!"
She smiled and didn't even realise what he just said.
[deleted] ยท 381 points ยท Posted at 07:53:00 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
[deleted]
regimentIV ยท 21 points ยท Posted at 10:11:22 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I am having trouble with that expression. Would you mind explaining it to me? If someone says for example "We are all but hopeless", does it mean the only thing they have is hope? Or that they are everything except hopeful? Is the but working with the "all" or with the adjective? Could I put a "still" after the "but" without changing the meaning?
Pa5trick ยท 20 points ยท Posted at 15:23:50 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
All but hopeless = we are everything EXCEPT hopeless.
All but guaranteed = not guaranteed.
jondarmstr ยท 20 points ยท Posted at 15:58:36 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
It sounds to me that "all but guaranteed" is like a way of saying "it's BASICALLY guaranteed... But we don't accept returns and are not putting a formal guarantee on this thing." Like a legal step around.
Pa5trick ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 16:46:26 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Pretty much, but even if your product doesn't work you can say all but guaranteed.
EinherjarofOdin ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 17:21:57 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I've heard both uses tbh. It still has me confused.
Pa5trick ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 23:53:09 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
In proper english, "all but" means everything but that.
It can be used positively or negatively, but English has a lot of phrases like that.
[deleted] ยท -4 points ยท Posted at 10:15:42 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
[deleted]
regimentIV ยท 9 points ยท Posted at 10:36:41 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
That sadly does not help me to know what the expression means, only shows me that it can be produced with "everything" instead of "all" aswell.
Thanks anyways!
Ltablet ยท 7 points ยท Posted at 10:42:51 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
"I've heard everything except for good things..." Like, he's only heard bad things about that persons fiance.
regimentIV ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 11:29:20 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Thank you very much! I think I understand. So I could say "I am nowhere near losing hope." instead of "Hope is all but lost.", right?
Lying_Dutchman ยท 10 points ยท Posted at 13:41:35 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Not really. The problem is that there's two expressions. There's "All x but y are..." and "X is all but Y". When you say: "The game is all but lost", you're saying that, while the game technically hasn't been lost yet, it's definitely going to be lost. It's all the things that a lost game is (like being badly played), except for being lost just yet (only because the whistle hasn't been blown yet).
When you say "All games were lost but this one", you mean that this game has been won. The problem in the sentence above is that they switched some words around, which makes the second case look like the first case.
The way to see that this sentence was the second case (and therefore an insult, rather than a compliment), is by switching words around"I've heard all but good things about you" means the same as: "I've heard all things about you but good ones".
You can't do that with the first case, because : "The lost is all but the game" doesn't make sense.
SomeOtherCollegeGuy ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 12:23:36 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
It's a way of saying hope can be anything, like stupid, not needed, a waste, perfect etc etc etc BUT it's NOT lost.
She is anything but fat. Means she can be dumb, pretty, smart, ugly, a good parent, amazing hygienist anything you want, but she is NOT fat.
rawbdor ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 16:11:00 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Nope... /u/Ltablet had it wrong. If you say "Hope is all but lost", it means (for example) that 99/100 of your exits are blocked, and hope is very very low, extremely low, but there's still that 1 shot. There's still hope, but its so faint that its basically a pipedream. One more exit blocks, and you've got no more hope left at all.
Lord_Derp_The_2nd ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 12:20:03 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
You got it. There's lots of these nonsensical phrases. Another common example is "I could care less". When in fact they mean "I could not care less."
Forkrul ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:28:33 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
That's just people saying it wrong. The actual phrase is "I couldn't care less".
Lord_Derp_The_2nd ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:53:19 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Granted, but I hear it misspoken more often than not.
And I can't be alone, because there's an XKCD about it
https://xkcd.com/1576/
rawbdor ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 16:05:55 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
/u/Lying_Dutchman had the right answer. The phrase "All but guaranteed" means it's everything that a guarantee entails, EXCEPT an actual guarantee.
Let's compare this with "The game is all but lost". When someone says the game is all but lost, as /u/Lying_Dutchman said, the game is everything that a lost game would be, except actually lost. The score is 13-0, and you really have no chance of winning. The game is not lost yet, though, because there's still 3 minutes left in the game.
How does this affect the phrase "All but guaranteed"? Well, they're trying to imply the product has all the qualities of a guarantee except an actual guarantee. The problem is, an actual guarantee is the only valuable part of a guarantee. If I try to say "You guaranteed the product", they'll say "No sir, we never explicitly guaranteed it... We said it has all the qualities of a guarantee except the guarantee, so we won't actually replace your broken product." But when a game is all but lost, you know that in 3 minutes, when time runs out, the game will actually be lost. So this is marketing speak for "We want you to think the product is guaranteed but we wont actually guarantee it."
So the phrase itself is already hard enough to understand, but it gets even harder when marketers get a hold of it. In general, the phrase is meant to imply whatever after the 'but' is inevitable. The game is all but lost, but the loss is inevitable. My couch is all but completely destroyed... it's in extremely bad shape and is completely unusable as a couch, but there's still pieces of it left, so it's not COMPLETELY destroyed. The product is all but guaranteed... it's almost basically guaranteed! Really! Seriously! But we won't provide you a replacement bc we never guaranteed it.
Lying_Dutchman ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:25:20 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Marketing always fucks up perfectly good phrases.
regimentIV ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:09:20 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
With all these replies providing mixed information I am sadly more confused than before. To put it simple, would you say the phrase "The game is all but lost" can be substituted by which of the following:
If I understood you, /u/Lying_Dutchman, and /u/rawbdor correctly, it should be b), but I am not completely sure yet (sorry!).
Lying_Dutchman ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 22:48:05 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The answer is b. The game is everything that a lost game is, without technically being lost yet. It is on the very cusp of losing, and (in the case of a game) there is probably nothing that can be done to win it.
To give another example: A disease that has been all but eradicated is still present, but in only a very small number of people (as compared to before). In this case though, it's not a guarantee that it will actually be eradicated completely, unlike with the game. This is simply because games have a moment when they end, and at the end you either win or lose. Diseases do not work like that.
So, again: X is all but Y means that it is very very close to being Y, and has all the properties of being Y that it can have without actually being Y yet.
I hope we've been able tomake it a little clearer. English can be a confusing language.
regimentIV ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 22:51:18 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I think I understand now. Thanks, guys!
rawbdor ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 21:38:11 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
"The game is all but lost" means you are down 23-0 with 3 minute left on the clock. A miracle could allow you to score 23 points in the next 3 minutes, but it is so unlikely as to be nearly unachievable. The game is everything that "lost" means except that there's still 1 minute left on the clock, so it's not "technically" lost yet.
It's hard for me to say it's "b" because you are not qualifying the term everything. The game isn't everything. It's not starting, it's not stopping, it's not red or blue. It's not the kitchen sink.
If there were 30 requirements for a game to be lost, this game meets 29 of them. If it met all 30, it'd be technically lost. It only meets 29 of the requirements, so it is not technically lost.
[deleted] ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 11:48:02 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Lmao
[deleted] ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 14:25:59 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I just heard "Our 157 point marketing strategy" on the radio last night.
singeblanc ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:45:58 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Up to 100% effective!
Neocoustic ยท 141 points ยท Posted at 05:53:13 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
That's what he wants you to think.
Pragmataraxia ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 23:10:16 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
She?
RedBalloone ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 09:45:04 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I know that I don't know the whole story, but with the given information: Wow, what a cunt.
EvangelineTheodora ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 18:06:13 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I might be using this if I ever meet the horrid, and slow, woman a friend is secretly dating.
MisteerMeeSeeks ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 09:01:28 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
You don't know me.
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 20:42:59 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Never have I been proud of you in my entire life.
He forgot to say, 'more proud'.
thedecentcube ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 06:30:28 on November 16, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Definitely going to be using this as one of my ice breakers in the future.
JackDelRetard ยท -1 points ยท Posted at 12:43:41 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
My uncle always says, "you know, you're not as dumb as you look". The puzzled look before people say thank you is pretty funny.
MenialTasked ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 15:22:39 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
"Ha. Funny. So Jacks-Uncle why are you screaming?"
"Huh? I'm not screami-ARRRRGH" as you begin to beat him with a brick.
JackDelRetard ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 16:00:47 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Or maybe he says, "you're a lot smarter than you look". I think I fucked up the punchline. Not a great one, either way.
n0remack ยท 2141 points ยท Posted at 05:12:12 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
This was in middle school:
One of the kids in class, just annoying - tries making a joke or something here and there, sometimes its good, most of the time its not. Anyway, one day he decided to play with the meter stick and starts saying "look at me, i've got a meter long stick" and puts it between his legs.
Without skipping a beat, the teacher looks at him, looks down at his desk and says "yeah, keep dreaming Pinochio, one day you'll be a real boy"
Entire class came to a screeching halt - erupts in laughter (even the annoying kid, how could you not?)
Fucking god bless you, Mr. Smith, you fucking savage
dermernerk21 ยท 207 points ยท Posted at 06:02:35 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
this is fucking excellent
wheremypackageat ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 18:27:47 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
air guitar
TheHornyToothbrush ยท 65 points ยท Posted at 14:12:41 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Nice. And good on that kid for laughing along.
AngryItalian ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 17:52:30 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
If that happened today it'd be on the news with the headline "Teacher harassed student"
Delror ยท 7 points ยท Posted at 22:19:47 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
No it wouldn't.
King_Vlad_ ยท 13 points ยท Posted at 16:10:24 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
That's the greatest thing I've ever heard.
n0remack ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 16:16:33 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
It was 12 years ago but I remember it clear as day.
elykl12 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 01:54:39 on November 16, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Savage
namesomeonealreayhas ยท -3 points ยท Posted at 15:56:24 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Mr. Smith. The chem teacher?
GiveMeYourShekels ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 17:27:55 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I too had a savage 8th grade chem/physics teacher named Mr. Smith.
Still one of my all time favorite teachers.
Loqsha ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 20:25:57 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I had an 11th grade chem teacher by that name
Darthaus12 ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 17:25:44 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Mr. Smith the math teacher?
[deleted] ยท -1 points ยท Posted at 16:22:04 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I currently have an English teacher named Mr. Smith, and he is indeed very savage.
ESPN_TheOcho ยท 1862 points ยท Posted at 04:57:48 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Not me but one of my friends. As the new teacher went around the room she asked each student what they liked to be called for short. You know, like Jon instead of Jonathan, Chris instead of Christopher but when the teacher got to my one friend his response was amazing. "Uhmm Jordyn do you have a anything you want me to call you?" "You can call me daddy."....."Go to the office."
tinoasprilla ยท 476 points ยท Posted at 08:11:41 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Some kid in my hs did the exact same thing to the substitute. Later on he pissed in a bottle. He was an odd chap
[deleted] ยท 178 points ยท Posted at 11:12:32 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
You went to school with Ray?
biglettuce ยท 89 points ยท Posted at 15:35:59 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
FUCKIN PISS JUGS EVERYWHERE RAY
the_nidificator ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 18:26:45 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
goddamit, Ray.
gustaserb ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 04:46:37 on November 16, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I really loved the piss jug catapult episode. Urine raining from the sky has a special way with reminding you what its all about, you know?
melnychuker ยท 43 points ยท Posted at 15:13:34 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Way of the road
mc_blubberson ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 21:38:35 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Thats the way she goes.
4str0 ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 00:31:22 on November 16, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Sometime she goes, sometimes she doesn't. Fuckin' way she goes.
popular_in_populace ยท 9 points ยท Posted at 16:58:20 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
He's real fuckin greasy
Radioheadi5 ยท 7 points ยท Posted at 17:19:55 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
piss jug alley
I_EAT_POOP_AMA ยท 7 points ยท Posted at 17:27:51 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
That's the fuckin way she goes
Consanguineously ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 19:22:03 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
"What did you just say to me, Raymomd?"
"Way of the road, Bubs."
lah2011 ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 19:53:27 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Way she goes boys
CJDizzle ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 18:45:28 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
That sounds like ray ray.
DeathDiggerSWE ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 12:48:53 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Sounds drunk
tinoasprilla ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 04:19:48 on November 16, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Nah he's a major pothead though
AlaricTheBald ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 14:52:03 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Upvoting mainly because Tino Asprilla was one of my favourite footballers as a kid and I enjoy the reminder. Also for your use of the word chap.
tinoasprilla ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 21:56:36 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Haha I like you Alaric :D
[deleted] ยท 245 points ยท Posted at 15:28:04 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)*
[deleted]
aznsk8s87 ยท 17 points ยท Posted at 19:51:57 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Is this one of those "it's really funny, but given the situation I have to report you" type things?
SyanticRaven ยท 9 points ยท Posted at 22:11:31 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
yeah, you can laugh to yourself but still have to punish them for not being respectful.
edditme ยท 11 points ยท Posted at 19:20:48 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Extra homework? For extra credit? I think I've seen the movie.
texanassassin ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 01:00:41 on November 16, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
i thought you were talking about a spinning top
serious playground shit going on here
ItsTheNuge ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 13:20:44 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Haha i had a Jordan in my class that would pull this kind of shit. It was hilarious.
Gokuschka ยท 7 points ยท Posted at 16:22:50 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
One of the kids said he wanted to be called Big daddy in my class. The teacher called him big daddy for like a month straight, the student got tired of it.
DostThowEvenLift2 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 23:01:52 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Should've gone with "Big Poppa".
KaizerFuckingGibby ยท 13 points ยท Posted at 11:19:57 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
That guy is the hero every school needs.
[deleted] ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 00:04:09 on November 16, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I don't get it. That's not really witty at all.
NarwallMan ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 16:24:25 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
A kid in my class did the same thing but the teacher actually called him "big daddy" the entire year.
[deleted] ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 07:41:43 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I can't stop cracking up
Dasaru ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 16:31:42 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I was named after my dad. So every so often, I get to tease my sister and say stuff like, "Who's your daddy? That's right, Dasaru is yo daddy!"
[deleted] ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 17:20:47 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
This starts her down a very confusing road during sex one night.
Waxgains ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 15:49:50 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I told the substitute my name was Henry. Entire class burst out laughing, substitute was heavily embarrassed and I was sent to the office.
BipedSnowman ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 18:09:23 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I don't get it..?
Waxgains ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 01:25:19 on November 16, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
She went around the room asking our names, and my name is nothing close to Henry. It really wasn't even that funny and I have no idea why the sub was so upset over it.
DostThowEvenLift2 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 23:03:05 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I think it was supposed to be an anti-joke.
CallMeSeptember ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 13:51:46 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Ok that is fucking hilarious
Thameus ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 14:05:32 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
She should have just called him by his first middle and last names all year.
aedansblade36 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 14:14:54 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Holy shit I'm dying
-MPG13- ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 14:57:56 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
In elementary school, one of my friends, Tate, went the entire day by frank when we had a substitute. I don't know what the harm done was, but he got yelled d out later that day.
[deleted] ยท -2 points ยท Posted at 17:41:24 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)*
[deleted]
DostThowEvenLift2 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 23:04:51 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
/r/thathappened
brandonrobinson ยท 3257 points ยท Posted at 05:00:59 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
One of my friends put a selfie up as his new profile picture and the first comment was "try again."
BaggyHairyNips ยท 406 points ยท Posted at 15:26:07 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
That's just mean.
piezeppelin ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 19:04:10 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Not if it's a friend.
[deleted] ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 02:10:12 on November 16, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Or if that person is good looking and everyone knows it
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:30:39 on November 16, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
But it's funny!
And there's a camera right there!
SeraphinaSerpentine ยท 475 points ยท Posted at 06:29:06 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
First one to make me laugh.
antonzaga ยท 8 points ยท Posted at 14:42:36 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
i don't really get it could you explain?
rarely-sarcastic ยท 14 points ยท Posted at 14:59:56 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
They were implying their picture is shit. Kind of like "nice try"
antonzaga ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 15:27:08 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
oh I'm silly, haha thanks
ThundercuntIII ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 16:00:25 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
That would also be a good comment
YoungTeachMusic ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:00:12 on November 16, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Agreed! Why is this not higher?!
blutree ยท -1 points ยท Posted at 07:38:46 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Your comment made me smirk
[deleted] ยท -5 points ยท Posted at 08:20:57 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
[deleted]
Milkywayne ยท 18 points ยท Posted at 10:04:29 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Try again.
[deleted] ยท -4 points ยท Posted at 10:06:31 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
[deleted]
HappyBot9000 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:18:38 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I can take you to a safe haven away from these downvoters.
blackstrips ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 08:40:24 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Take a selfie and prove it.
Darth_Waiter ยท 35 points ยท Posted at 16:36:08 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
My friend sent me a selfie of him driving to work with the caption 'going to be such a long day'.
Yeah I don't like receiving shit like that so I texted him back going "WHY DID YOU JUST SEND ME A DICK PIC?!" And he proceeds to freak out trying to recall what he sent me.
And then he insists it was a selfie and I say yeah I know. You're the dick.
Heyoo
inthehalflight ยท -7 points ยท Posted at 18:36:08 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Cracked up at Heyoo.
Whenever I say a sick burn from now on I'm gonna end it with "HEYOO!" and just walk out like a badass.
Darth_Waiter ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 20:33:54 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Gotta invest in shades you can pull out and Horatio those fuckers down with bro
inthehalflight ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 23:56:08 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Exactly what I was picturing
Delror ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 21:35:25 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Yeah whatever you say man.
cholula_is_good ยท 7 points ยท Posted at 17:45:48 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
This self-conscious girl I know put up selfie a profile picture, only comment was "lol". She deactivated her Facebook later that day.
Zephyr1011 ยท 16 points ยท Posted at 14:17:32 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
They were trying to tell them to take the picture again? How is that smartass?
ananori ยท 7 points ยท Posted at 14:50:10 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
They were implying their picture is shit. Kind of like "nice try"
Zephyr1011 ยท 27 points ยท Posted at 15:46:16 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Oh. Perhaps I'm still not getting it? "You failed, try again" seems like the lowest effort, most applicable comeback possible. Not smartass at all
[deleted] ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 17:44:34 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Implying that it is a bad picture. The selfie taker clearly thought well enough of the picture considering he made it his profile picture.
SuperCrusader ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 13:01:55 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Should have added "?"
JollyHeracross ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 16:01:17 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
To shreds, you say.
indigosoul91 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:38:03 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Savage
vitsensei ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:05:02 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
dun gettit
FlamingJesusOnaStick ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:11:53 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Always thought a selfie was jerking off
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:22:22 on November 16, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
That's one of the problems with having a private/ secret facebook. You miss-out on a lot savagery.
Cryptoparapyromaniac ยท -4 points ยท Posted at 09:05:02 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I read that twice as "...put a selfie up his ass."
moltenrocks ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 12:30:22 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I too misread it at first glance.
[deleted] ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 23:40:32 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
That's seems straight up dickish, and not funny...
shmapplepie ยท 1187 points ยท Posted at 07:10:08 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Gough Whitlam, former Prime Minister of Australia in the 70's had one of the best comebacks ever said by a member of parliament:
A rural MP said: "I am a Country Member." Whitlam: "I remember."
Hill_Reps_For_Jesus ยท 288 points ยท Posted at 13:41:11 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
this sounds like the most made-up reply in the thread, but is the only one i know actually happened
dankmernes ยท 25 points ยท Posted at 16:01:34 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Should be a lesson to all the thathappeneds this thread
[deleted] ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 00:21:26 on November 16, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Oh my god. I can't even add two single digits that quickly.
Jeffplz ยท 561 points ยท Posted at 13:30:59 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I am a cunt, remember
I remember
doubledongbot ยท 10 points ยท Posted at 16:53:58 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
It's like dissecting a dead frog with you.
nevuking ยท 7 points ยท Posted at 18:35:01 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Thanks. I'm a little slow on the draw today.
MikoSqz ยท 12 points ยท Posted at 13:42:03 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
HAMLET: Do you think I meant country matters?
AntithesisVI ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 20:45:24 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I trematter.
dWintermut3 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:30:44 on November 16, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I think no-thing my prince.
TheOctophant ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 21:04:15 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
thank you
ihatetyler ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 17:26:36 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I remember this from another thread
abe559 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:47:26 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
"I am a whore, remember"
IAmTheWolverine2 ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 19:34:25 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I remember every dying whisper
Every desperate murmur...
(5 points to the people who continue this song.)
Spaz-man220 ยท 11 points ยท Posted at 20:47:03 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Mr Robert Muldoon was pretty good too.
"Mr Muldoon can we have a word?" - The press
"Wombat"
Or the time he said that Kiwis leaving to go to Aussie raise the IQ of bother countries.
BaggyHairyNips ยท 19 points ยท Posted at 15:31:30 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
That must have been an awkward few seconds before anyone understood the joke.
[deleted] ยท 20 points ยท Posted at 19:02:04 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)*
I believe that there was immediate laughter. It was said in Parliament.
EDIT Whitlam tells it very well :
BaggyHairyNips ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 19:13:01 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The MP must have said in a very particular way.
[deleted] ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 20:09:16 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
In a rural Australian accent, I'd imagine.
But the story goes that he just shouted it.
shmapplepie ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 02:35:28 on November 17, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
He tells it much better. I tried but didn't do it any justice! I'm not a Labor fan but damn Whitlam was a character.
[deleted] ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 09:51:18 on November 17, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I'm not even Australian, but I damned well applauded that quote the first time I heard it. Sheer genius.
Madstoni ยท 16 points ยท Posted at 13:36:30 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Could you explain that?
LittleBigPerson ยท 39 points ยท Posted at 13:51:21 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I am a cunt, remember?
wheremypackageat ยท 29 points ยท Posted at 18:26:23 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Yes, but you can still make an effort
jondarmstr ยท 8 points ยท Posted at 16:07:19 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
If you speak it aloud it helps. Whitlam is making it sounds like his foe said "I am a cunt, remember?" Rather than "I am a country member"
TheManFromFarAway ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 20:20:40 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
"Winston Churchill, you are drunk!"
"Yes madam, and you are ugly. In the morning, I shall be sober."
Ilyichg ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 15:06:36 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Brilliant
Sq33KER ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 05:02:31 on November 16, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Another pm, Paul Keating about an independent: "The Honorable Member has been in so many parties he is a complete political harlot.
Yet another pm, Julia Gillard about Tony Abbott. "If he wants to know what misogyny looks like in modern Australia, he doesn't need a motion, he needs a mirror.
Australian Prime ministers are fucking savage.
DaPotatoInDaStreetz ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:59:18 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I don't get it
RainbowApple ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 20:01:05 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I don't get it :(
ToTheNintieth ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 23:59:01 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
holy shit, that's quick wit
on2usocom ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:30:12 on November 16, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I don't get it. =*(
[deleted] ยท 745 points ยท Posted at 05:37:24 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)*
[deleted]
xXI_KiLLJoY_IXx ยท 117 points ยท Posted at 15:56:12 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
That must have stung the guy a bit..
[deleted] ยท 7 points ยท Posted at 22:40:46 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
You can afford to call 411 but still need welfare?
ectish ยท -6 points ยท Posted at 16:57:05 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)*
A favorable acquaintance works (it's been years really) at FedEx and has a great customer service phone story from one of his cohorts.
The guy's customer was getting pretty irate and he'd had enough and handled it delightfully. He says, after the customer must've asked for a supervisor "sir, do you have any idea who I am? You really don't know just WHO you are taking to right now? No? Is that so? Well then sir, FUCK YOUUU!!"
rubberstud ยท 11 points ยท Posted at 17:39:22 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
That's a shit story.
ectish ยท 9 points ยท Posted at 17:46:12 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Then I suggest you either contribute one yourself or have a day as nice as your personality.
TheBuffDuck ยท 7 points ยท Posted at 19:24:32 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
GetsReksFromRektThreads
Jts20 ยท -4 points ยท Posted at 17:02:50 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Savage and awesome.
Narwheagle ยท 4715 points ยท Posted at 02:00:09 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Heh heh, one time my mother was testing my little brother for his upcoming science test, and asked him "What's a solid?" He looked right back at her and said, "When you do someone a favor, mom."
SackBoyZombie ยท 2077 points ยท Posted at 02:19:33 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
That's a solid response.
buzznights ยท 873 points ยท Posted at 02:22:42 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
He's a gas.
BlindM0nk ยท 1280 points ยท Posted at 05:04:42 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Noble but never trustworthy.
buzznights ยท 1085 points ยท Posted at 06:00:38 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)*
This comment should get gold.
[deleted] ยท 862 points ยท Posted at 06:03:05 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)*
That isn't ideal
Edit : Fuckin Lannister Whore
antesignanus ยท 701 points ยท Posted at 06:17:34 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Nah, but it is solid.
[deleted] ยท 619 points ยท Posted at 06:22:30 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)*
Sublime
Edit: Gold! Alright alright alright.
[deleted] ยท 580 points ยท Posted at 06:47:59 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)*
Solid
Edit: Now I understand the hype, but also why this edit isn't favorable.
sam112358 ยท 146 points ยท Posted at 07:12:54 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)*
Why the fuck is everyone getting gold?
EDIT : Just for everyone's notice, I'm a smart, greedy and wanted to be guilded for the first time, so i made more than one comment and got gilded on the other one. You may cry in your corner.
Rainbow_Doughnuts23 ยท 21 points ยท Posted at 07:22:45 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The question is, why aren't you?
effinmike12 ยท 18 points ยท Posted at 10:55:22 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Because fuck him, that's why.
iPlowedYourMom ยท 7 points ยท Posted at 11:28:43 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
And his mother
I_Died_Once ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 12:11:19 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
AND the horse he rode in on.
SexySohail ยท 8 points ยท Posted at 12:49:57 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
You mean your mom?
jkBro
Darkassault2011 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 13:22:37 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)*
JET FUEL CAN'T MELT STEEL BEAMS! WAKE UP, SHEEPLE!
[deleted] ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 13:30:21 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Ayy
flgflg10s ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 15:18:32 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
lmao
Fruit_Loopita ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 15:49:00 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Remember the Ayy lamo.
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:15:11 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
[deleted]
PsionicBurst ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:17:25 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
It's like an Oprah show in here.
Hidoni ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 07:22:08 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Because a rich redditor has arrived.
Terven ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 07:21:40 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Becuase they are solid
xannytoes2 ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 12:35:07 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
C-c-c-c-c-ombo breaker!
benisgwen ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 11:30:51 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Solid, gas, gold, periodic table, something something. I was always shit at science but some of this shit is linked.
ddd22dm ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 11:52:35 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Because Gold is a solid.
SuperCrusader ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 12:58:50 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Didn't you hear?Most part of reddit is now declared as poor teenagers,and by chance Bill Gates believed that...
TheHornyToothbrush ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 13:12:06 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Yes
gl1tchmob ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 13:17:23 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
An attempt was made
Jawbreaker93 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 13:31:04 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
To make you ask that question.
aardvarkyardwork ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 13:34:27 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Chemistry.
Zeldafoof ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 13:41:28 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Why can't I get gold?
ohheydalton ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 13:54:41 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Some redditor is doing them a solid.
aedansblade36 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 14:07:56 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
You need to be more fluid with your expectations.
[deleted] ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 14:58:41 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Looks like it all happened at around 2 am est on a Sunday morning. Someone was drunk.
dancinhmr ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 14:08:20 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Because they are all Au-some
MrSmiddySmid ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 14:12:50 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
sam plz
DanielGonshor ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 14:20:33 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Why the fuck not?
Unknow3n ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 14:30:15 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Solid
DiscordsTerror ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 14:34:14 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
They're getting gold so that they can stabilize and become noble.
MasterEmp ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 14:41:02 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 14:42:35 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Correction, everyone but you. I'm informing you to do ya a solid.
MrBash ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 14:44:32 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Cause they're solid gold?
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 14:47:55 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
And not me?
L00fah ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 14:48:25 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
And you killed it.
soundpushes ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 14:48:25 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Op ran out of money
Iachsmith ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 14:53:15 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
solid.
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 14:54:07 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Someone has too much money on their hands.
Ignesias ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:01:30 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
yeah, what he ^ said
AcidicSwag ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:10:20 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
At least you tried :(
RainbowsInHell ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:27:26 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Why aren't I?
The_Hugh_Jaynus ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:35:36 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I don't know, buddy. I don't know.
rommazio ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:44:40 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
You tried
Mr_Bumper ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:50:41 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Goddammit.. Missed the fuckin gold train again... Damn you sleep.
thewulfmann ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:42:48 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I'm not beguiled
FINDTHECOMPUTERROOM ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:53:17 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Just let it go, the gravy train is over.
sam112358 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:20:54 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Read the edit, dude.
FINDTHECOMPUTERROOM ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:35:01 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Shhhhhhhh...
ImYourHumbleNarrator ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:26:29 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
well, i'm certain that you won't Be
splixter512 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 23:16:49 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
gilded*
sam112358 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 07:29:39 on November 16, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Thanks
_Aurora_ ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:07:07 on November 16, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Because them gild-fests only happen periodically. plzdontnoticeme
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:48:12 on November 16, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Because people don't know how to transition.
mmuj ยท -5 points ยท Posted at 12:26:25 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
this pleb above me got nothing hahahahaha
sam112358 ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 13:24:14 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
See I'm smart! I made 3 comments in this train... I got gold in another one
10ftCoatHanger ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:21:09 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
that's not smart. you just care more
sam112358 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:12:10 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Care more for what?
NewNoise929 ยท 12 points ยท Posted at 12:31:24 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
All the good jokes argon now.
DUMPAH_CHUCKER_69 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:10:43 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Come with a better joke, it's Argent
[deleted] ยท 14 points ยท Posted at 07:24:52 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)*
[removed]
99hooligans ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 07:32:58 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
No, it ended with you
[deleted] ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 07:50:18 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
No, it ended with you
Arob96 ยท -1 points ยท Posted at 07:35:25 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
People really want gold, huh?
[deleted] ยท -1 points ยท Posted at 07:39:48 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Better go to the Lannisters , mate.
Darklite17 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 08:02:15 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Nah, I'll let the people decide who gets the gold.
[deleted] ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 08:07:40 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
[deleted]
CumLand ยท -1 points ยท Posted at 08:19:19 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
break my gold cherry anonymous-kun
Murdoc2D96 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 08:00:16 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I guess, you just wanted to get some gold for yourself. Gz
Frozenicypole ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 08:15:09 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I can guarantee you people will continue this comment chain to try and get gold.
RottMaster ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 08:18:46 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
You should see my inbox
_BallsDeep69_ ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 07:48:43 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Everyone stop, nobody else is getting gold anymore.
epicblob ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 07:35:54 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
it never should've started tbh
Brunette_Broad ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 07:44:36 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I don't even know what the gold does.
I bet it doesn't suck did. I bet that's what gold doesn't do!
extremeedo ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 07:45:27 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Au still getting gold here?
HaveASpoonerism ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 07:47:07 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I'm always late for the train
mrperson420 ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 07:56:37 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I'm always late to these things.
Novadreamer ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 08:08:52 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I certainly wouldn't mind getting bard ulted...
Dragonrooster ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 08:22:41 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Am I too late?
Stylishfiend ยท -1 points ยท Posted at 07:36:12 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
There's no way this gets gold..
RottMaster ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 07:38:15 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Only reason I made the comment is because I've seen so many people get gold for a stupid ass comment like this
TheGirlWithTheCurl ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 07:40:16 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
And it worked!
Stylishfiend ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 07:40:49 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Lol I know, I actually meant my comment..
BlUeSapia ยท -1 points ยท Posted at 08:15:22 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Spiler: The Titanic sinks at the end, while Snape proceeds to murder Dumbledore and reveal to our hero Luke Skywalker that he is indeed his father.
Barbwire_cake ยท -2 points ยท Posted at 07:33:49 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The only train you ended on was auschwitz.
holyshithestall ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 07:35:52 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Which I'm assuming is where you purchase your baked goods?
Terryfrankkratos ยท -2 points ยท Posted at 07:37:20 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
gib gold
scott66313 ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 14:41:33 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Au this gold train is so cute
Specktagon ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:32:20 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
ayy lmao
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:16:09 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Any gold?
priyankish ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 20:51:48 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Give me Au.
_Aurora_ ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:07:21 on November 16, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Whoops, it decayed
MirRelevant ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 20:53:27 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
That are some rich jokes
Jonster123 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 21:38:20 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Liquid
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 21:55:53 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
As solid as a brick?
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 06:25:52 on November 16, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I'm positive these jokes are losing there electricity.
lswf126 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 08:13:25 on November 16, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Sometimes I just don't get this site...
realrobo ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 08:48:04 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
5 gilded comments in a row? Where do I sigh up?!?
Salvatio ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 14:16:06 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Fuck why do I always miss the trains.
generic93 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:08:23 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Plasma?
[deleted] ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 07:22:33 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
This thread is ironic to me because I actually made a mental note today that I use the word solid more than I used to.
TheMexicanPenguinII ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 10:29:09 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
This seems like a pretty smart thread to jump onto so Imma give it a go and anonymous, do me a solid;)
paper_thin_hymn ยท -1 points ยท Posted at 07:08:23 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Solid as a rock. Gob Bluth!
creative-name-here ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 10:59:37 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Her?
Caillan12 ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 09:06:43 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Worth a shot....
powergo1 ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 16:34:38 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
JOHN CENA!
[deleted] ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 17:08:52 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Many more replies to get gold...
[deleted] ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 17:11:24 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Cats in the cradle and the silver spoon....
HaBliBlo ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:50:06 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
lil boy blue and the man on the moon...
Jagd3 ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 17:29:55 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Can somebody please tell me what the fuck I am seeing? A chain of seemingly plain comments getting gilded without any explanation?
baked_brotato ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 17:33:57 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Oh god, here's my big break!
justessforall1 ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 17:43:16 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Maybe the water is doing the gas a solid by being chill?
I'll see myself out now.
[deleted] ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 00:24:34 on November 16, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I'm just here for the gold.
Witty_Panda ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 01:44:54 on November 16, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Woooo Get on the trai... aww i missed it :(
[deleted] ยท -1 points ยท Posted at 07:20:22 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
gold
sadderdrunkermexican ยท -3 points ยท Posted at 07:34:43 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I see a SOLID thread of gold. We must be at room temperature. Sorry that was terrible
VersaceBabyRattle ยท -1 points ยท Posted at 07:02:13 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Liquid, bruh.
likes_limp_penis ยท -1 points ยท Posted at 09:32:02 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Flaccid
daryllim18 ยท -1 points ยท Posted at 09:40:54 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Liquid?
zachisawesome123 ยท -1 points ยท Posted at 10:02:13 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
It's a liquasolid
smeggery ยท -1 points ยท Posted at 10:31:48 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
... soild? Fuck!
Mysterious_X ยท -1 points ยท Posted at 10:32:26 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Indubitably
deityblade ยท -1 points ยท Posted at 10:47:10 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Er PLASMA (I'm just here for the gold train)
SuperCrusader ยท -1 points ยท Posted at 13:00:46 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Is this heaven?
BaconLondoner ยท -1 points ยท Posted at 13:33:00 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I WANT GOLD TOO!
ruhbluhbluh ยท -1 points ยท Posted at 13:34:50 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Solid
[deleted] ยท -1 points ยท Posted at 13:39:55 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Hi
Haiirokuma ยท -1 points ยท Posted at 14:07:42 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
That's some next level sublimation right there
[deleted] ยท -1 points ยท Posted at 14:49:45 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Sublime
ThunderBacon37 ยท -1 points ยท Posted at 15:03:42 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Gold?
MasterAgent47 ยท -1 points ยท Posted at 15:22:19 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Come on! Me too.
AMIGO64 ยท -1 points ยท Posted at 16:07:23 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Fucking reddit...
LongLeggedSailor ยท -1 points ยท Posted at 16:10:46 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Me too! Me too!
OutofPlaceOneLiner ยท -3 points ยท Posted at 07:21:41 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
This is legendary
racc8290 ยท 9 points ยท Posted at 06:38:22 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)*
Chemistry pun
Edit: It's like Scrooge's money bin in here!
Witty_Panda ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 01:45:13 on November 16, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Woooo Get on the trai... aww i missed it :(
Scream26 ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 07:02:22 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Au man, did I miss the free gold?
Witty_Panda ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 01:46:08 on November 16, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Woooo Get on the trai... aww i missed it :(
acherem13 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 07:00:27 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Out of all of these yours was definitely the best, cudos
Witty_Panda ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 01:45:59 on November 16, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Woooo Get on the trai... aww i missed it :(
[deleted] ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 06:41:46 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Text
Witty_Panda ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 01:45:50 on November 16, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Woooo Get on the trai... aww i missed it :(
codeman-13 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 06:36:17 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
What's going on here?
smokeytokerton ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 06:56:07 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)*
You tried.
Edit: All aboooard! Thanks!
sneezy94 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 07:09:29 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Let's not pretend we're not all here for some 99% pure gold
leonprimrose ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:34:42 on November 16, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
This whole chain devolved pretty fast. I take it as negative impact of "paying it forward"
blueredscreen ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 09:05:02 on November 18, 2015 ยท (Permalink)*
The real problem would be getting it to be that pure.
Unless you're talking about 99.00% gold. That's easy.
99.98% is harder to produce, and 99.99% gold is the most purity you can get iirc.
Yes, especially in copper wires, even 0.01% of impurities is considered too much, so that's why more than 99.99% pure copper is always preferred.
Witty_Panda ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 01:46:24 on November 16, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Woooo Get on the trai... aww i missed it :(
Rapturos ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 06:48:24 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Au train chain
Witty_Panda ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 01:46:43 on November 16, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Woooo Get on the trai... aww i missed it :(
Enignition ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 07:08:31 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Closest I'll ever be to getting gold
Witty_Panda ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 01:46:49 on November 16, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Woooo Get on the trai... aww i missed it :(
Witty_Panda ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 01:46:15 on November 16, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Woooo Get on the trai... aww i missed it :(
MiniReaper ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 06:38:52 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)*
I came for the free gold
Edit: Holy hell that worked. <3
TheAndrewBen ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 07:11:12 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I can't think of anything witty to say to make me get some gold
Juamdelgado435 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 07:18:41 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I want some
jonathan11_1 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 07:19:26 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Did someone say free reddit gold?
jmadd31 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 07:20:10 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The precious!
Witty_Panda ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 01:46:58 on November 16, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Woooo Get on the trai... aww i missed it :(
TheAndrewBen ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 02:38:49 on November 16, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I got you :)
http://i.imgur.com/SCs9U8K.jpg
Witty_Panda ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 14:09:03 on November 16, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Woooo my first reddit silver! GET IN!!!
garychencool ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 07:27:10 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Gold train?
WowPlayaa ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 09:25:04 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Nah bitch cold train
Brodoof ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 13:46:56 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
And also... fuck just gild me cant think of funny shit.
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 22:28:43 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
[deleted]
Brodoof ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 22:31:32 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
You again...
NicolasMage69 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 06:41:18 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Poopy butthole
mickeymoo ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 06:57:41 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
What the fuck just happened
otherswall ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 07:01:27 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
nope. no gold for ya. you tried though.
[deleted] ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 08:04:15 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
[deleted]
TheAndrewBen ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 07:11:27 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)*
Pancakes
Edit: I guess I'm making gold pancakes this morning
sam112358 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 07:13:45 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Cupcakes!
youngcuriousafraid ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 07:22:43 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Of course
alSahir13 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 07:29:25 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
What the fuck pancakes got gold. Are you people gilding yourselves or something
Forgotmypen13 ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 04:44:47 on November 16, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Fuck I missed it
deckardmb ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 07:01:24 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Cuz lovin' is what I got.
[deleted] ยท -3 points ยท Posted at 06:41:39 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
WOOHOO GOLD TRAIN CHOO CHOO
Ryder_Tom ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 06:59:30 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)*
I think it's finished... FUCK YEAH
[deleted] ยท 7 points ยท Posted at 07:03:32 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)*
HAHAHAHA FUCK YOU IM RICH
EDIT: WHAT THE FUCK GUYS DONT
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 07:26:02 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Who is giving everyone gold? Are they Bill Gates or something?
pandas795 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:05:42 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Someone gave Bill Gates gold for his ama
rideride ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 07:02:40 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Nope
VersaceBabyRattle ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 07:03:02 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)*
Let's all get gold! AYOOO
Thank mr. Skeltal!
Valnoric ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:11:29 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
12 hours later...
Corkak ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 18:50:57 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
doot doot
TheMountain18565 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:38:57 on November 16, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Always late to the party
Witty_Panda ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 01:47:14 on November 16, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Woooo Get on the trai... aww i missed it :(
OutofPlaceOneLiner ยท -3 points ยท Posted at 06:47:52 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)*
ISIS is the best thing to happen to France.
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 06:58:35 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Fuck me in the ass
sam112358 ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 07:13:27 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
That depends, are you hot?
Sexymcsexalot ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 07:56:13 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Doesn't matter, now you've got golden lubricant
TheAndrewBen ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 07:12:12 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Someone literally put gold up your ass, how do you feel?
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 11:28:28 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Like a gold digger
Witty_Panda ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 01:44:40 on November 16, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Woooo Get on the trai... aww i missed it :(
Witty_Panda ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 01:44:33 on November 16, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Woooo Get on the trai... aww i missed it :(
buzznights ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 06:11:49 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I feel that you're pressuring me
[deleted] ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 07:02:18 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
[deleted]
buzznights ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 07:04:59 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
There must be a solution.
[deleted] ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 07:06:31 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
[deleted]
buzznights ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 07:07:57 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
But is it stable?
[deleted] ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 07:13:54 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
[deleted]
buzznights ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 07:33:31 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I wouldn't want to agitate you!
Tal9922 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 17:35:34 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
This is the best post gild edit I have seen, and I would steal it except for the fact that I never get gelded
Witty_Panda ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 01:44:23 on November 16, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Woooo Get on the trai... aww i missed it :(
torkel-flatberg ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 15:18:45 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Auuuuuuuuu!
zellwwf ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 17:15:41 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I'd like to see a graph of gildings that happened here
buzznights ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:21:37 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
All you have to do is axis.
IamEclipse ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 09:02:38 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I second this
heymylittlefishies ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 10:54:43 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Who did you hug?
buzznights ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 13:43:45 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I sent a hug through the universe. Want one?
heymylittlefishies ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 16:16:31 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Yes :-)
buzznights ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 16:21:55 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
{hug} :)
kobepopof ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 14:47:28 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Can you explain me his comment ? English is not my mother tongue so i don't get the reference.
Thanks
buzznights ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:09:19 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Gold is in a class of metal called noble.
amitnagpal1985 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 15:34:46 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Oprah is on Reddit! Gold for everyone!
InnocentPossum ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 15:51:18 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
It should get Au.
pm_your_huge_chode ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 17:24:51 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Wouldn't it be funny if the person gilding you for a second time had bad eyesight and accidentally gilded this comment?
buzznights ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 17:25:37 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
It would be funny but that's more gold for me to pay it forward. That's my goal for today :)
pm_yourselfies ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 23:20:25 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
AUgmentation of words.
Ryder_Tom ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 07:04:22 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Fuck all you dirty fucks
Terryfrankkratos ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 07:36:53 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
gib golds plox
Witty_Panda ยท -1 points ยท Posted at 01:44:05 on November 16, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Woooo Get on the trai... aww i missed it :(
rump_truck ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 01:02:29 on November 16, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Amen to that. "They're called noble gases because they don't bond with anything else" my chemistry teacher told me. Looks like someone forgot to tell Xenon
BeIow_the_Heavens ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:29:00 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
That shit is Au. Saving it for later.
obiedo ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 05:52:25 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Doesn't matter, 'cuz he still always keeps things real.
jairzinho ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 22:00:58 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
That's Jumping Jack Flash.
buzznights ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 22:01:31 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I'm telling you - he's a gas, gas, gas.
_George_Bush_ ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 06:29:33 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Water you doing?
buzznights ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 06:31:04 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Nothing much. Did you expect a different reaction?
rockdiamond ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 08:19:51 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Classic Craig.
Kaligraphic ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 10:02:18 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Like Jumpin' Jack Flash.
Eddiegage ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 14:11:58 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Liquid!
parrottail ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 15:20:28 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
definitions are fluid.
PurpleOctopus007 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 19:34:07 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Liquid
[deleted] ยท 24 points ยท Posted at 02:49:59 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)*
[deleted]
[deleted] ยท 17 points ยท Posted at 04:30:13 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
They are rather physical at times.
s0ulsc0rcher ยท 26 points ยท Posted at 05:19:32 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Especially after he broke his arms...
[deleted] ยท 17 points ยท Posted at 06:03:27 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Every motherfucking thread
DeHerro ยท 29 points ยท Posted at 06:13:09 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
motherfucking indeed
3asin3speech ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 08:53:03 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Okay that was pretty funny
Vorcion_ ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 10:06:16 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
It was solid.
air_moose ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 08:03:49 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Now that's efficiency!
PM_ME_STDS ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 09:32:08 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
How is that story still so prominent? XD
TheMasao ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 05:39:00 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I understood this reference.
austindoeshalo ยท 8 points ยท Posted at 04:54:05 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Don't be so dense...
[deleted] ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 05:01:58 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
[deleted]
ZeFilmmaster ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 05:59:22 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Molecules
odie4evr ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 07:36:40 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Just periodically though.
Chuntzy ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 11:09:29 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
All the good chemistry jokes argon.
[deleted] ยท 63 points ยท Posted at 05:45:10 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
i dun gettit
[deleted] ยท 150 points ยท Posted at 05:51:53 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
When you do someone a "solid", you do them a favor. For example, when hanging out with a buddy, if he gets up to go get a drink, you could say "Hey, do me a solid and grab me one too?". Pretty common slang where I'm from (Northeast US).
TheMusketPrince ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 16:22:16 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Huh. I live in Western Canada and have never heard that.
dsjunior1388 ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 16:28:43 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
We keep secrets from you guys.
fonzi786 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:59:44 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
So do I and I understand that phrase lol!
TheMusketPrince ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:44:04 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Where?
fonzi786 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 20:03:26 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Vancouver
TheMusketPrince ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 21:25:36 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Oh. Im in Edmonton
OompaOrangeFace ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 17:08:12 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Huh. Never heard that before as a midwesterner.
turtleturtlerandy ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 18:22:04 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I've never heard that before, but I guess it's because I live in the south. :D
OMG_DAVID_KIM ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 12:58:19 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
How are things going on (Northeast US)?
observer010 ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 14:25:18 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Things are solid.
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:26:40 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Mad good.
LASalas ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 06:02:28 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Fucking made me laugh!
MyAssDoesHeeHawww ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 06:46:17 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
"That's a solid IOU! (='I owe you')"
BloodSnail ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 07:18:42 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Urban dictionary entry for solid: Can be used to describe a favor done for someone.
"Do me a solid and hand me that hammer."
HasNoCreativity ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 07:54:40 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
A solid in context of the question is one of the three basic states of matter: solid, liquid, and gas.
The brother said that a solid was doing someone a favor such as "Hey, Jake, my wife and I were having date night tonight but our babysitter bailed. Mind doing us a solid (favor) and watch or kids tonight?"
ago_ ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 13:04:38 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
he meen a sulitt
SwagmastaFlex ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 07:41:24 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Would you like me to do you a solid and explain it to you?
JohnnyMayhem ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 16:49:25 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
In elementary school, we had a science test about solids, liquids and gasses. One portion was to identify a gas, and my friend wrote "french fries."
[deleted] ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 14:53:39 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Depending on how old your brother was, my brain thinks it is possible he thought that's what he actually thought.
reconmarine1969 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 15:32:06 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
He probably learned it from the Regular Show episode: http://youtu.be/IZ7tjdNVOrg
Narwheagle ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 21:27:42 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Lol, not a chance, actually. Mother would never allow him to watch that. The list of approved television shows is a short one.
zanderkerbal ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 18:22:15 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I once asked my dad to tell me a french -re verb for me to conjugate. He said, with a straight face, "Fenรชtre". He spoke better french than me at the time. For those who don't know, that's "Window."
HockeyTownWest2012 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 13:25:29 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Hehehe.
youshutyomouf ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 14:35:52 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
https://youtu.be/5B6GK7vvNp0
Lipat97 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:23:48 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
oh ok cmon don't gas yourself
luffs002 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:19:51 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Am I the only Brit who doesn't get this?
AllPurple ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:09:07 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)*
"doing someone a solid" is a slang term in the US for a favor.
Lazy Google search for derivation: https://www.quora.com/Where-did-the-phrase-do-me-a-solid-come-from
OldWolf2 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 21:55:49 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
In my area "solid" is also slang for a boner ("solid wood"). It's rare but you do hear it from time to time. I thought this story was going to be a whole lot more interesting at first !
EchoPhi ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:31:31 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Don't abuse the solid.
Almostneverclever ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 20:45:20 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Maybe I'm just old, but I can't take anyone seriously who uses solid instead of favor.
josh109 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 06:03:10 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I thought he was going to say poop.
Modern_Hermit ยท -22 points ยท Posted at 04:09:46 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
"But you came from your Dad in liquid form."
iamdusti ยท -1 points ยท Posted at 10:20:30 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
This comment should get Au. Am I funny yet
Alienist23 ยท 385 points ยท Posted at 15:00:45 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I was touring The Eagle's Nest, Hitler's private retreat/vacation home in the Alps this summer and there was a blizzard. I was on a tour with a Russian family and for some reason all the Germans seemed really prepared for the snow. I leaned over to this Russian guy who seemed personable and said, "Wow, these Germans are really prepared for the weather." Not missing a beat, he just smiled and said, "Yes, this time." It was incredible.
[deleted] ยท 10 points ยท Posted at 00:44:27 on November 16, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Daaaaamn.
SnakPak_ ยท 73 points ยท Posted at 07:44:47 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I told my dad I wanted to work out and become a beefcake. He responded with, "Cupcake, maybe." I'm a homo who's dad is still wary about the whole thing.
scruffys_on_break ยท 10 points ยท Posted at 03:48:50 on November 16, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Maybe compromise and become a beef stick instead?
[deleted] ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 01:39:40 on November 16, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Oh my god that's hilarious.
Hope it's a friendly wariness and not an unfriendly wariness. I'm gay too and my family is still afraid to make jokes, except one crazy drunk uncle, lol.
SnakPak_ ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 01:54:14 on November 16, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Friendly. He's a cool guy.
[deleted] ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 02:50:35 on November 16, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Good! =)
spinur1848 ยท 1522 points ยท Posted at 05:05:50 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
"I've been called worse things by better people." Pierre Trudeau when told that Richard Nixon had called him an asshole.
feb914 ยท 128 points ยท Posted at 13:50:42 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
"Just watch me" was very memorable quote too
faceonacake ยท 12 points ยท Posted at 14:30:11 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
This sounds so familiar, please elaborate
feb914 ยท 58 points ยท Posted at 14:41:04 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
There was a pro-Quebec independence movement called FLQ that kidnapped and murdered a Quebec cabinet minister on October 1970, this was the climax of years of bombings from 1963. When Pierre Trudeau was asked about how far he would be willing to act against them, he replied "Just watch me".
He then invoked War Measures Act (first time ever used in peacetime) and detained near 500 people of the organisation before the end of the year.
wheremypackageat ยท 14 points ยท Posted at 18:29:13 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Whoa... Canada is more hardcore than I thought!
drhuge12 ยท 10 points ยท Posted at 16:58:47 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
that's inaccurate. most of those people had nothing to do with the FLQ but had broadly sovereigntist (not FLQ!) sympathies
[deleted] ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 02:31:22 on November 16, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Same result, no independence.
drhuge12 ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 03:34:24 on November 16, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Sure, but bit of a difference between locking up members of an active terrorist network and members of a political movement you disagree with.
unicornbloods ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 00:33:35 on November 16, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The FLQ ended up being tiny. There was not 500 members to detain. They arrested other sovereignty sympathizers as well as other random people, like hippies growing pot on the islands of British Columbia.
The reason this move has been so roundly criticized since is because of how the police took advantage of carte-blanche to violate people's rights and then have cause for arrests (this is the case with the hippies growing pot)
NorthStarZero ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 17:34:20 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
"Fuddle-Duddle"
clooneys ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 21:53:18 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
So was fuddle duddle
GodofCat ยท 13 points ยท Posted at 17:20:43 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Nixon was also at a party with Pierre Trudeau while Pierre's son, Justin was in a playpen and was just a baby. Nixon toasted "To the soon to be prime minister of Canada. Justin Trudeau." and guess who is the most recent prime minister in Canada?
[deleted] ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 02:33:20 on November 16, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Richard Nixon jr?
GodofCat ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:43:15 on November 16, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Yes
[deleted] ยท 24 points ยท Posted at 17:07:38 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)*
[deleted]
PoisonousPlatypus ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:55:03 on November 16, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Please don't compare the two Trudeaus. This one is okay but the previous one is a historical monument.
BoldGambit ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 15:50:34 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)*
Better people than you think I am a terrible human!
BornOnMyBirthday ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 22:29:55 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Yeah, Richard was a dick.
Open-Collar ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 11:46:42 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I don't get this. Care to elaborate, please?
spinur1848 ยท 82 points ยท Posted at 12:17:43 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)*
Pierre Trudeau was the Prime Minister of Canada at the time (he's also the father of the current Prime Minister of Canada), and Richard Nixon was the President of the United States. They had a somewhat strained working relationship, and at some point he found out that Nixon had called him an asshole behind his back. This is what he said publicly in response.
He could have called the US president names, or tried to be diplomatic. Instead he didn't curse at all and insulted both the intelligence and morality of the US president with that one phrase. This, at the height of the cold war, when Canada was absolutely dependent on the US for nuclear defence and trade, and was in the process of distancing itself from the UK by repatriating its constitution.
Like him or not, Trudeau the first had the biggest balls of any Canadian Prime Minister.
thepoliticator ยท 26 points ยท Posted at 14:50:41 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Nixon didn't like him because Trudeau chilled with Castro.
Babushka5 ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 17:02:21 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
This picture is absolutely hilarious
kyle1867 ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 17:10:16 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Theres a picture of our current prime minister as an infant being held by castro.
Hydrochloric_Comment ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 17:30:30 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I think it was Michael, not Justin. Source
mishimishi ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 02:27:14 on November 16, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Castro came to Trudeau's funeral in Montreal. Quite remarkable because Castro didn't leave Cuba very often.
ryy0 ยท 33 points ยท Posted at 13:23:21 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Trudeau the Second comes out of those balls.
coalminnow ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 15:33:40 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Man, I must be really dumb, I still don't get it. Like, how is that so much of an insult?
Ilodie ยท 23 points ยท Posted at 15:44:48 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
"I've been called worse things (implying that other people are more clever, because asshole isn't a very clever insult), by better people (the person that's insulting him isn't a good person.)"
coalminnow ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:38:45 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Ah, thanks
SammuelNash ยท 7 points ยท Posted at 15:43:54 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
He is saying that the insult is not even worth acknowledging because Richard Nixon is unoriginal, and according to Trudeau he did not hold the prestige to even be on par with the people Trudeau hung out with.
Open-Collar ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 23:11:51 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Isn't he indirectly stating that he is not as intelligent when compared to those he hangs out with? Due to this the insult by Nixon doesn't matter?
cantgetenoughsushi ยท 7 points ยท Posted at 15:40:07 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
He's calling you a bitch ass pussy
coalminnow ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 16:38:36 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Ok
EchoPhi ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:34:33 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Always wondered where I got that from.
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:30:20 on November 16, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Trudeau was memorable.
[deleted] ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 18:23:08 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)*
[deleted]
spinur1848 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 18:32:19 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
He was an asshole sometimes and he clearly knew it. That's why it's such a smartass reply.
[deleted] ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 23:41:07 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Sounds like something a neckbeard would say.
Heisenberg2308 ยท -1 points ยท Posted at 16:06:54 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I say this a lot. It's good to finally know where I picked it up
BooBooButtonBear ยท 3285 points ยท Posted at 03:55:45 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
My pleasantly plump aunt hails a cab, driver asks her where she's headed. "Big & Beefy [a fast food joint downtown]" "I asked where yer' goin, not whatcha name is".
bambiheadshot ยท 1863 points ยท Posted at 06:51:47 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Fucking rekt
NEVERGETMARRIED ยท 601 points ยท Posted at 07:28:05 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
By a fucking taxi driver no less.
averagedesi ยท 23 points ยท Posted at 10:11:37 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Would it be okay if it was Uber driver?
Frohirrim ยท 24 points ยท Posted at 11:01:35 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I would definitely lose my five star rating over that.
NEVERGETMARRIED ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 12:38:57 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Nah, that doesn't have the same burn quality as an angry Boston guy or an Indian guy with blankets all over the car does. Maybe it's just the accent that really makes it for me in my head.
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:14:37 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
[deleted]
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:17:48 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
THERE'S ONLY ONE TAXI DRIVER!
AlwaysClassyNvrGassy ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 17:04:08 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
To shreds you say
[deleted] ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 13:32:26 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Bah gawd that woman had a family!
Meh_Turkey_Sandwich ยท 297 points ยท Posted at 08:03:47 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
With no regard for human life!
natek11 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 00:33:21 on November 16, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
This kills the tip.
NeedTheJuice ยท 314 points ยท Posted at 07:23:27 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Fuckin savage
its_a_rock_fact ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 19:05:01 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I_HateYouAll ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 18:12:16 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
S A V A G E
A
V
A
G
E
evictor ยท -3 points ยท Posted at 11:50:43 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Fuckin fuckin
[deleted] ยท -1 points ยท Posted at 20:25:06 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Down vote for the use of the term savageโฆ I don't know what year this became a good thingโฆ 2014 or 15? Couldn't be earlier than thatโฆ Savage - negative
The_True_Lord_Cthulu ยท -3 points ยท Posted at 15:22:27 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
joke so savage the army's coming after it
Edghyatt ยท 23 points ยท Posted at 15:45:56 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I don't get it, is she fat and you're being kind in a poetic way? or is she voluptuous and you have the hots for her?
danceydancetime ยท 11 points ยท Posted at 17:36:12 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Nice way to say fat.
scrunchie- ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 18:09:09 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
It's her/his aunt man, probably trying to be nice.
Robotsaur ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 21:21:44 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I don't know man.. people are weird like that. ( อกยฐ อส อกยฐ)
Tom_Foolery1993 ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 21:14:30 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
To shreds you say?
CpImboden ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 15:22:58 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Was his name Al Bundy?
itsnotbrad15 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 23:11:52 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
To shreds you say?
K_Click_D ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:14:14 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Burned
SnarkSnout ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 14:52:20 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
At the end of the taxi ride, I hope your aunt smiled as she paid him and said, "I so wish I could tip you, too, but I'm sure you'll agree that with a name like Big & Beefy, I have to save every penny to pay for my name change."
[deleted] ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 11:58:08 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Hope she got a ride to a burn center after that
con247 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:25:38 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Or to a safe space
gmasterrollie ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 15:39:38 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Lawrence?
[deleted] ยท -1 points ยท Posted at 09:55:10 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)*
daf
[deleted] ยท -1 points ยท Posted at 14:54:43 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Lawrence?
Jacobthetroll ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 16:06:04 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
And this is why people use uber
bestbiff ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 19:27:53 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
There's an Uber joke/comparison to be had here but I can't think of one.
Roman_Statuesque ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 19:42:50 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Savage.
Bforsocks ยท -5 points ยท Posted at 11:08:20 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
To shreds you say?
edditme ยท -1 points ยท Posted at 19:15:34 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Your "pleasantly plump aunt?" Is she related to your "hot cousin?" lol
Autumn_Fire ยท -3 points ยท Posted at 09:38:07 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
BURN
SuperCrusader ยท -2 points ยท Posted at 13:16:51 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
FEEL THE BURN!
tonybagadonuts ยท -3 points ยท Posted at 15:30:01 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Why is this not the top comment?
el_monstruo ยท 1475 points ยท Posted at 04:56:36 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I read it on Reddit it actually.
Why do you play so hard to get when you are so hard to want?
vlasvilneous ยท 153 points ยท Posted at 06:44:46 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Because someone is always willing to pay.
Krzysz ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 14:49:32 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Hey, fat chicks need lovin too. They just gotta pay.
dimethylTRAPtamine ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 15:44:03 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Red it read it Reddit it. Today junior!
AlexanderTheGrave ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 17:23:04 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I've sat here for at least 15 minutes reading this over and over again but I just don't understand.
Am I retarded or is there a joke here somewhere?
[deleted] ยท 7 points ยท Posted at 18:13:59 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
It's a parallelism that works quite well. It works on multiple levels, so I'll explain. To play "hard to get" means to act colder to someone you're dating than you actually feel. This is because of the dumb perception that guys would pursue a girl harder if she acts more disinterested.
The comment works on two levels: one assuming that "playing hard to get" actually works. The other refutes that. So by saying "you're so hard to want", there are two meanings:
The first is that the person who's playing hard to get is not succeeding because she isn't attractive enough for the guy to want her hard enough to pursue her endlessly. It's an attack on her ego because she assumed guys would just do that for her.
The second is that playing hard to get is selfish, immature and anti-feminist. So it means, "You're playing hard to get. You're selfish, and that makes you unattractive. Don't play hard to get, and be honest."
darbymowell ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 22:45:23 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
ALYSSA
Y U PLAY HARD TO GET WHEN U ALREADY HARD TO WANT
/r/LifeisStrange beckons
Eypex ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 01:26:25 on November 16, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
omg someone remembered my comment!!
magpie1111 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:00:33 on November 16, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The first time I read this I thought it said "Why do you play so hard to get when you want it so hard,"
dark_cat ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 13:36:11 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Nice
evictor ยท -3 points ยท Posted at 11:52:07 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
source: tumblr?
MrCheesyMcSqueezy ยท 1968 points ยท Posted at 03:54:04 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Asking a friend for help he responds with, "Sorry buddy, you can't fix ugly." before I get a chance to explain what I needed.
kcheng686 ยท 1013 points ยท Posted at 05:59:18 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)*
Should've replied "Thats why I'm not trying to fix you"
[deleted] ยท 761 points ยท Posted at 06:05:14 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Take it easy, Costanza
unbn ยท 361 points ยท Posted at 06:43:07 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Yeah, well... I had sex with your wife!!
[deleted] ยท 148 points ยท Posted at 06:55:50 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Dude, his wife is in a coma
SkullShapedCeiling ยท 257 points ยท Posted at 07:51:47 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
i guess that's why she didn't move around a lot.
diMario ยท 11 points ยท Posted at 08:19:54 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
She was moved a bit by it all, though.
iPlowedYourMom ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 11:27:46 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
A whole 3 Inches
mexasianboy ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 15:17:18 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I've never seen BASEketball quoted on this website. Have an up vote, Squeak
SkullShapedCeiling ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:56:55 on November 16, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
glad someone caught that lol thank you
FloppyG ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:30:23 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Reminda me ofKill Bill, does coma prostitution actually exist?
Section80Babies ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:04:31 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
That's what he should've said!
MenialTasked ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 15:13:42 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
"My name is Buck...."
3asin3speech ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 08:51:26 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
"Yes. I'm her nurse."
tastycat ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:15:29 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
She is now.
TriangledCircle ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 08:50:33 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
"That's why I screwed your wife!"
unbn ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:51:46 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Nope.
5:17
http://youtu.be/jFH4DszUj2A
pyroSeven ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 10:36:51 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
...his wife is in a coma.
Darcyoss ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 13:56:09 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
George... his wife's in a coma...
Fagtpooplover ยท 50 points ยท Posted at 07:09:42 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Cant stand ya!
MartinBurr ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 22:45:22 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Hey! Your pants were showing during class. What brand is it?
WoodenSpoon33 ยท 10 points ยท Posted at 07:34:41 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Yeah, well the jerk store called and they're running out of you!
goduke83 ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 06:49:10 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
"The ugly store called, and there're running out of you!"
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:59:29 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Yea? Well I called the jerk store and they're running out of you!
mordecai98 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 20:13:28 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The Jerk store called and they're running out of you.
We_Are_The_Romans ยท 14 points ยท Posted at 13:18:47 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
but that's not clever at all, it's just another way of saying "NO U"
Doughy123 ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 11:38:45 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Better to say "yeah, I can see that."
Ultra_HR ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 06:09:03 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I'd have gone with "Well that would explain your face", or something like that. "Thats why I'm not trying to fix you" is a bit clumsy.
kcheng686 ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 06:12:06 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
But that doesnt replay to his comment fully.
Blujay12 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 06:31:18 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
this is what he thought of, two hours later in the shower.
Murphenstien ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:00:38 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I would have said, "Can we not make this about you for once?"
PanchDog ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 14:14:21 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Oh yeah for sure sick burn dude goddamn holy shit whoaaaa call the burn ward we got ourselves a hot one.
hammertym ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 11:23:52 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Or something along the lines of....
Thanks thought I'd check with you first to see if you have progressed
SuperRusso ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 10:48:43 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The most smart-ass thing you've ever heard was essentially a dad joke? Where do you live, on a commune?
acid-rain-maker ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 11:01:04 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Actually, in Japan, you can. Cosmetic surgery is rampant.
Source: have been to Japan.
Though, looking at their smiles, they don't seem to have any orthodontists.
runningtonogoal ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 12:08:59 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
He learned from experience
lurchh ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 11:09:50 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
"Sounds like you've tried before"
Stryf3 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:03:03 on November 16, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Should've replied, "Not everything's about you" or "hey, leave your mom out of this"
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 07:00:22 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Reply "Yeah, you learned that the hard way"
TCBinaflash ยท 651 points ยท Posted at 13:00:59 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I worked in a stamping factory, you know this machines that cuts and bends steel with the force of gravity and weight of the die. Big heavy stuff.
The manager there dropped a die and out of reflex tried to grab it. He lost his a couple fingers and the chunk of another.
Fast forward 5months-shop manager has switched to front office due to his hand. But he comes back to chat with us and updates on sports events because they have a tv up there. We poked fun at him regularly for being a "suit".
So, one day we are all eating lunch and up comes the manager-
Manager: "Hey guys! Our local baseball is up 5-2!" Co-worker: "oh yeah?, what inning are we in?" Manager: Raises his previously mangled hand as to indicate the 5th inning by showing 5 fingers Co-worker: "Halfway thru the 3rd?"
The manager almost attacked him. Best smart ass retort I'd ever seen.
Wbattle88 ยท 16 points ยท Posted at 18:34:44 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Man, I thought only the rookies tried to grab stuff falling in a machine shop... Suprised he made it all the way to shop manager.
Kazzack ยท 16 points ยท Posted at 21:03:32 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Everyone above him got their hands cut off too
TCBinaflash ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 23:56:46 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
He already was before the incident
Devadander ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 20:26:42 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
This is fantastic
[deleted] ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 04:26:30 on November 16, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I've done a lot of cool shit, but my proudest achievement is working in a machine shop for 7 years and leaving with all 10 fingers.
TCBinaflash ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 04:49:34 on November 16, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The key is not accepting a job in a machine shop until you have already lost some fingers. That way you get street cred because obviously you have seen some shit.
kleepup_millionaire ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 21:00:56 on November 17, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Similar story, my dad is a carpenter/cabinet maker and cut off three of his fingers, 2 of which were re-attached. The cut was just below the first knuckle from the tip, so he has roughly half his index finger. Dinner, our estimated time of departure, etc... was always in 9.5 or 4.5 minutes.
HeyT00ts11 ยท 1624 points ยท Posted at 02:41:00 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Mom pushing four year old on a swing in the park, kid leans back too far and falls out of the swing.
Kid whines a bit. "Yeah bud, gravity sucks," mom says, dusting the kid off.
hockeybud0 ยท 351 points ยท Posted at 05:32:52 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
And wind blows.
elmoteca ยท 162 points ยท Posted at 05:38:46 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Water pours...
Subfamy ยท 420 points ยท Posted at 05:51:24 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
And brother, I hurt people.
[deleted] ยท 115 points ยท Posted at 06:07:06 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
You managed to fuck up a perfectly good Fifth Element reference.
MrNostalgic ยท 261 points ยท Posted at 06:14:13 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
And replace it with a TF2 reference.
thatwasnotkawaii ยท 41 points ยท Posted at 14:41:03 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
NEEDADISPENSAHEE
kjata ยท 10 points ยท Posted at 23:36:55 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
SEDUCE ME!
Scouterfly ยท 7 points ยท Posted at 16:58:07 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
While swinging the bat everywhere. wh-TINK. wh-TINK. wh-TINK
CBtheDB ยท 9 points ยท Posted at 16:59:46 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
GOTTAMGOTTAMGOTTAMGOTTAMGOTTAMGOTTAMGOTTAMGOTTAMGOTTAMGOTTAMGOTTAMGOTTAMGOTTAMGOTTAMGOTTAMGOTTAMGOTTAMGOTTAMGOTTAMGOTTAMGOTTAMGOTTAMGOTTAMGOTTAMGOTTAMGOTTAMGOTTAMGOTTAMGOTTAMGOTTAMGOTTAM
Smallish_anus ยท 12 points ยท Posted at 17:36:14 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
POOTIS
[deleted] ยท 8 points ยท Posted at 22:43:31 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
'SPENCER
NyanDerp ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 07:23:39 on November 16, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
HERE.
[deleted] ยท 8 points ยท Posted at 16:35:25 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Bonk.
andwhyshouldi ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 17:41:56 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Ten points to you, random mother in a park.
You're welcome.
[deleted] ยท -13 points ยท Posted at 06:20:28 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I'm not an idiot, I know he was referencing something else. But I wanted the fifth element.
shinytoge ยท 53 points ยท Posted at 08:16:01 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Well, instead you got a Force-a-Nature
noitarenoxe ยท 16 points ยท Posted at 08:57:56 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
And savage roar
[deleted] ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 06:40:26 on November 16, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
From Fifth Element to TF2 to Hearthstone. Can we go any deeper?
DarthSatoris ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 09:35:15 on November 16, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Can we go any deeper?
*BWWWWWAAAAAAAAAAAAMMMM*
[deleted] ยท 8 points ยท Posted at 08:24:26 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Pootis
thedirtybomb ยท 7 points ยท Posted at 08:58:26 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Spencer Here!
[deleted] ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 08:59:35 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)*
.
NyanDerp ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 07:24:47 on November 16, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God I'm good at bein' an owl.
Shawer ยท 8 points ยท Posted at 15:47:43 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Yeah bud, expectation sucks.
[deleted] ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 08:27:43 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
but you got the force a nature
Subfamy ยท 13 points ยท Posted at 06:28:33 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I managed to make a perfectly good team fortress reference.
chapterthirty ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 11:50:59 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
It's ok, I fixed it!
TheHornyToothbrush ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 13:51:04 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
And you dig.
T-A-W_Byzantine ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:03:55 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Good!
sandm000 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 11:53:53 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
B-b-b-but /u/Total-Anihilation my man, I got no fuel, no fire, no matches
SLEEPWALKING_KOALA ยท 10 points ยท Posted at 06:52:29 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I'm a force-a-nature!
IcedJack ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 17:21:41 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
If youz waz from, where I waz from? You'd be freakin' dead!
penutbutter85 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 11:59:38 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Yeah I'm a force a nature
Goodasabot ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 19:32:33 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Guns don't kill people.
VintageMerryweather ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 14:17:11 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I'm a Force a Nature
TotallyHelix ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 12:39:07 on November 20, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
BONK!
Crunchy125 ยท 7 points ยท Posted at 07:56:11 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Fire burns
JoeyFingaz ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 17:01:34 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
And the thunder rolls...
Quickkrueger ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:31:46 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
What does the fox say?
chapterthirty ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 11:50:19 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Fire burns.
Thimz ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 11:44:31 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
You swallow
DeonCode ยท 20 points ยท Posted at 06:00:59 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Leaves from the vine...
EmpororPenguin ยท 9 points ยท Posted at 06:31:27 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Falling so slow...
Novadreamer ยท 7 points ยท Posted at 08:11:27 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
NO.
Venerable ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 11:33:35 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Like a leaf in the wind?
IIIIllIIIIll ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 06:49:59 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Falling so slow.
eetf141 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 19:53:02 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Falling so slow...
YouKnowABitJonSnow ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 07:49:37 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Something something OPs mom
hubnothub ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 11:53:24 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
so does ur mom
edditme ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 19:19:23 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Almost as good as OP's mom.
NapPrincess ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 07:28:15 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
My future parenting style
Hindulaatti ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 11:01:48 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
How could you say gravity sucks? It's like the coolest thing in the universe.
MrDTD ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 18:09:30 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Hard keeping it together without it.
dogman15 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 08:33:05 on November 16, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Gravity? Who gives a crap about gravity?
Triapod ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 08:14:59 on November 17, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
y-you too.
[deleted] ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 07:06:21 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
[deleted]
HeyT00ts11 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 22:11:15 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
(full disclosure - I am mom)
OK, so "gravity sucks" is true in two ways.
Gravity sucks people to the core of the earth, which is why the child fell when he leaned back. (He was/is a smart kid, so I worked in science/math/spelling into our play time quite often. Not usually, however, when he was ass over teakettle.)
Saying something sucks, particularly in reference to pain emanating from one's own child's buttocks, is quite different from the typical, "Oh, sweetie, did you get a boo boo?" parental reaction. (I was trying to normalize the experience, so he dealt with it like the mild pain in the ass it was, instead of something worthy of stopping having fun. Which worked, as he got right back on the swing.)
So yes, working a relevant scientific fact into my reaction was sarcastic and also a pun.
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:09:35 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
"Gravitiy is no joke."
--Zeborah, in de newsgroup rec.arts.sf.composition
[deleted] ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 23:45:32 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
So does your Mom
rabbidroid ยท 3607 points ยท Posted at 02:22:04 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Teacher said to a class of 25, I got 25 idiots here! One of the kids blurts out 26! True story.
[deleted] ยท 1754 points ยท Posted at 03:05:53 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
hahah. a few days ago, a teacher told my classmate to pick one person for a question and jokingly said "pick the most annoying person in this class". my classmate responded with "okay sir, I pick you"
Number127 ยท 1947 points ยท Posted at 05:26:22 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
That's detention, Potter, and ten points from Gryffindor for your cheek.
THE_IRISHMAN_35 ยท 2001 points ยท Posted at 06:18:08 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
But because of your bravery Harry Potter wins 100 points to Gryffindor It looks like Gryffindor wins. Suck it Malfoy you dumb cunt.
tetsuooooooooooo ยท 1097 points ยท Posted at 07:14:06 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I pull this shit every year and you motherfuckers still acting surprised.
psykulor ยท 902 points ยท Posted at 07:44:49 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Oh I'm sorry, how many dark wizards did Hufflepuff defeat this year
Novadreamer ยท 411 points ยท Posted at 08:10:20 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Nonono, a more important question is, hoy many Harry Potters does Hufflepuff have
rikjames90 ยท 318 points ยท Posted at 08:20:39 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
hufflepuffs are way too chill to deal with Harry "projecting my weird shit on all of you" potter
Lebogue ยท 22 points ยท Posted at 14:49:03 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Hufflepuffs are particularly good finders.
rarely-sarcastic ยท 9 points ยท Posted at 15:06:21 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I feel like they smoke hash a lot.
rikjames90 ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 15:36:57 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
the elves in the kitchen have dank access to some good nugs of Green Crack.
MusicianOfExtremes ยท 9 points ยท Posted at 17:10:50 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
"What the hell is a Hufflepuff?"
Crain_ ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 17:51:12 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
"Oooh ten points to Dumbledore"
rikjames90 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 15:28:34 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
of food in the kitchen and proffessors sprouts licorice stash
mrducky78 ยท 40 points ยท Posted at 16:17:20 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Hufflepuffs get awarded points for not accidentally eating their wands and and correctly wearing their robes/pants.
They still dont win.
rikjames90 ยท 7 points ยท Posted at 16:20:22 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
hufflepuffs don't care about points. they don't believe in some bullshit reward system that clearly was never going to be based on anything after the end of harry's first year.
hufflepuffs are not conformist
mrducky78 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 16:25:41 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Yeah, but no matter how hard you try, sticking you arms into the legs of your pants wont end well. Maybe you should try putting your legs through them?
rikjames90 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:26:38 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
luna lovegood jr would disagree
[deleted] ยท 7 points ยท Posted at 16:53:01 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
You saying hufflepuffs are chill made me wonder if they're the kind and caring ones because they're immense potheads. And that's why no one really knows what they do besides being hufflepuffs.
rikjames90 ยท 13 points ยท Posted at 17:20:53 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
yeah the last time one of their own, the super stud, bong ripper himself, Cedric Diggery, stepped into the spotlight with harry potter, he well...died. 'Which for hufflepuffs means extreme paranoia.
that night after smoking a "BOWL" for the dead homie, the older hufflepuffs met up in herbology lab for a late night sesh. after burning some chiba, they all agreed. don't sell any more weed to gryffendor. Especially that sketch ass fool potter and if that weasley chick wants the good stuff she needs to hook them up with sweet deals on fred and georges magic shop gifts.
If ginny cant comply then she has to go back to buying nickle bags full of stems from crabbe and blaise zambini. or coke from malfoy.
also the ravenclaws have been complaining again.finals are coming up and Luna lovegood is officially cut off from the dankness for the rest of the semester. The proposal came after luna entered the great hall wearing a giant lions head.
DragoonDM ยท 126 points ยท Posted at 11:18:37 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Well, they sort of had one... right up until the end of Harry's 4th year. It didn't go well.
[deleted] ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 15:11:26 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Thanks, voldemort.
KlausBaudelaire ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 15:47:28 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I was laughing out loud at this thread...then I read your comment. I wish I could send you a picture of my absolutely shocked face.
themagicplatypus ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 16:26:31 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Too soon
Novadreamer ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 20:18:55 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Yeah, it happened literally yesterday
bean_patrol ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 14:33:11 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
How much huffle could a hufflepuff puff if a hufflepuff could puff huffle
Green0Photon ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 16:57:07 on November 17, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
How many Hufflepuff bones did Harry sharpen?
rikjames90 ยท 7 points ยท Posted at 08:19:36 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
i know how many cupcakes they've defeated after ganja fest in the forbidden forest.
NickKappy ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 16:17:11 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Hufflepuffs are particularly good finders!
THE_IRISHMAN_35 ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 18:26:05 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Are you kidding me. Hufflepuffs eat paste.
robflop ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 08:17:55 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
damnit kanedaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
jurksoffenhye ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 09:38:11 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Is that you again, Tetsuo?!
[deleted] ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 17:15:01 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
You know what - after all of this I totally forget what they win by having the most points. What's actually at stake there?
THE_IRISHMAN_35 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:26:26 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
They win a trophy. Thats it
Grumpy_Pilgrim ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 19:21:37 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Ten points to Dumbledore!
TheHouseOfGryffindor ยท 237 points ยท Posted at 06:21:25 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Aw, come on! Not again! Can't Harry have his own separate points system?
InquisitorialSquad ยท 522 points ยท Posted at 06:42:57 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Dumbledore at the end of the school year: 10,000 points to Harry for bravery or some shit. Harry wins the House Cup again!
WannabeAHobo ยท 267 points ยท Posted at 09:59:17 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
10,000 special Harry-points to Harry who once again wins the Harry-cup. Now, on to the actual points...
MenialTasked ยท 246 points ยท Posted at 15:18:20 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
TIL Harry Potter was a special needs wizard.
[deleted] ยท 219 points ยท Posted at 16:06:05 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
[deleted]
PM_ME_BAD_SELFIES ยท 34 points ยท Posted at 18:20:49 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Durmstrang is always expect potato. Is no potato, such is life at Durmstrang.
[deleted] ยท 7 points ยท Posted at 19:20:50 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
You know, today i watched the Philosophers (Sorcerers) Stone, and all i could think of was that Dumbledore would be a perfect friend of Sepp Blatter.
cough cough Rigging his little House Cup shit.
NotJinxandJawz ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 02:40:19 on November 19, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I'm laughing so hard right now. XD
ZeroNihilist ยท 19 points ยท Posted at 16:15:03 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Now I have an image of a Harry Potter that is a bit "special" who thinks he's thwarting Voldemort every year.
"And then Ron fought a chess set and I looked at the mirror and I put a stone in my pocket and Quirrell had Voldemort's face on the back of his head and I saved the day."
"You sure did Harry. 3,000 points to Gryffindor. I bet you'll stop Voldemort next year too, because he definitely isn't just a figment of your grief-stricken imagination. You're a hero. Nobody else could have stopped the back of Professor Quirrell's head from taking over Britain."
"I'm a hero. Expelliardium Levitronus!"
rikjames90 ยท 9 points ยท Posted at 08:22:20 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
it's weird. you'd figure the guy was trying to win favors with potter. on account of him being the last horcrux and all. in dumbledors eyes, that's one kids who get a "pass"
[deleted] ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 11:22:02 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Duuuuuuuude, spoilers!
(I've already finished the series but you might want a spoiler alert there.)
Berlinia ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 12:33:57 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Spoilers are not relevant 7 years after the book release xD
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 12:51:18 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I only finished Deathly Hallows 4 or 5 months ago, there are still people who are in the middle of the series and browse reddit.
Berlinia ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 13:47:06 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Yes there are but you can't expect not to be spoiled when you browse the internet. Deathly Hallows has been out for so long that some stuff has happened and people "expect" you to know them
DealerCamel ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:55:57 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Not really a valid argument, though, because of the generation game. Someone just born when the last book came out would be eight now, and maybe they'd just be starting the series. People aren't just born with an inherent knowledge of Harry Potter, y'know.
Berlinia ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 17:26:27 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
No but in that context wr can never discuss events that were used in any form of art ever. Imo i take it like this. If i say to someone i am starting a series and they spoil me aftetwards then fuck them. If they casually mention that eddard stark dies in the first book of asoiaf then i can't be mad at them (if its within context not just as a purposeful spoiler). So saying: fucking martin showef he was gonna kill all characters in book one with eddard is acceptabe. Saying: do you know eddard stark dies? Is not
Mailcarrier ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:28:04 on November 27, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Decent point, but why the hell is an eight year old browsing Reddit?
rikjames90 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 15:34:46 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
how? have you been living under a rock or are you like 12?
Timjphillips ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 11:11:20 on November 27, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
But should they be browsing harry potter discussions if they want a surprise?
BluntHeart ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 11:36:04 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Agreed. I didn't know that shit.
rikjames90 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:35:21 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
never. life with my is a spoiler alert.
Number127 ยท 297 points ยท Posted at 06:26:21 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Be silent, Finnegan, and eyes on your cauldron, unless you want it to boil over and splatter Dulling Draught all over Longbottom...although who would notice.
Naf5000 ยท 185 points ยท Posted at 06:38:15 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Guys, I think I found Alan Rickman's Reddit account.
als_pals ยท 108 points ยท Posted at 08:48:26 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
No, it would be Number394
whatisabaggins55 ยท 9 points ยท Posted at 15:24:10 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I can still hear his voice.
"Mr Potter. Our......new..... celebrity......"
hokiesfan926 ยท 10 points ยท Posted at 16:45:20 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Not gonna lie I would sit in a theatre for 10 hours just to hear him say Mr Potter the whole time.
whatisabaggins55 ยท 9 points ยท Posted at 17:01:53 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
"I don't play villains. I play very interesting people." - Alan Rickman
TinyFoxFairyGirl ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 06:40:48 on November 16, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
"E-qually....Guilty"
DDbanana ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:25:58 on November 16, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I re-read it his voice. It's his.
rikjames90 ยท 23 points ยท Posted at 08:21:21 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
"malfoy and gang snickering like assholes in the corner"
girl-lee ยท 9 points ยท Posted at 12:06:02 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I wish that line was actually used in the book.
rikjames90 ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 15:33:21 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
it''s mentioned subtly throughout. you sort of start to understand certain character traits.
"harry smirks sarcastically."
girl-lee ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:06:37 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Oh yeah, I know. I'm a huge Harry Potter fan, I've read the books over and over and over. I just thought your comment was funny.
WedFreasley ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 14:41:36 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
"Crabbe and Goyle guffawed stupidly."
ADreamByAnyOtherName ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:15:37 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Savage as fuck, Professor.
unbn ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 06:40:33 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Seems more fair.
laserpirate44 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 07:21:27 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
but you're a Gryffindor why wouldn't you want to win?
Stryker295 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 07:42:16 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
What's this? A novelty account that's been around for more than a few hours?
unbn ยท 10 points ยท Posted at 06:41:01 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)*
There's no need to call me sir, Professor.
_Aurora_ ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 00:16:36 on November 16, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Gryffindor (Pyroar) (M) @ Destiny Knot
Ability: Rivalry
- Fire Blast
- Sacred Sword
- Retaliate
- Noble Roar
Ravenclaw (Articuno) (F) @ Choice Specs
Ability: Pressure
- Psystrike
- Magnetic Flux
- Cosmic Power
- King's Shield
Hufflepuff (Stoutland) @ Adamant Orb
Ability: Intimidate
- Protect
- Wide Guard
- Return
- Work Up
Slytherin (Serperior) @ Dread Plate
Ability: Contrary
- Taunt
- Sheer Cold
- Toxic
- Foul Play
scotscott ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 04:50:51 on November 16, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Imagine how much less entertaining Harry Potter would have been if they replace the points with gift cards for a funeral home
PandaLovingLion ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 10:55:00 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Turn to page Three Hundred and Ninety Four
taco_tuesdays ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 14:42:20 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
What's the line? "It's okay, sir, you don't have to call me 'professor'"
Devikat ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 02:18:10 on November 16, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
[Snape] Yes, Sir. [Harry] There's no need to call me "sir"
unbn ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 06:40:18 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Fucken rekt
[deleted] ยท -9 points ยท Posted at 04:54:27 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
[deleted]
lava172 ยท 48 points ยท Posted at 05:11:43 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
It's not even that far fetched.
MaliciousLeviathan ยท 17 points ยท Posted at 05:23:52 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
At some point /r/thathappened received a flood of people who find that anything other than browsing /r/thathappened is grounds for posting it on /r/thathappened.
flavius- ยท 14 points ยท Posted at 05:27:58 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Yea ok, /r/thathappened
ramramra ยท 35 points ยท Posted at 04:53:42 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
If only he said "Me too!"
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:56:51 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
me too thanks
Spud_fAce ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 12:10:48 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I was dubious until you said true story
baitnnswitch ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 20:50:45 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
And one of them can't count!
Tunderbar1 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 05:23:14 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
*have
staindsoul666 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 09:17:03 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
hahaha. this is hilarious!
TheSassySasquatch ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 06:01:09 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
No, no. Your imaginary friend doesn't count.
Imightbenormal ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 16:08:28 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I would have said: Yeah, I also see 25 idiots here, and your one of them if you didnt get that.
rabbidroid ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:20:40 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I don't think you would've said that, I also don't think that kid would've said it if he paused for even one second, it was a spontaneous response without thinking for a second. That's kid was actually one of the top students, and everyone was shocked that he actually said that.
He was not even punished for it, and he wrote an apology letter to the teacher and read it out loud in class, no one asked him to do it. Nicest kid I ever met.
Imightbenormal ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:29:55 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Hehe, yes. It was just an Captain Hindsight.
PmMeSomeSexyBirds ยท -6 points ยท Posted at 06:30:36 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Wow kid was so dumb he couldn't count. Haha.
I shouldn't have to add a /s but you knever know
JugheadMcAnus ยท 1554 points ยท Posted at 04:34:57 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Many years ago I heard a kid say "I had a shirt like that once...but then my dad got a job".
LexSenthur ยท 649 points ยท Posted at 08:58:55 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Was he a villain teen in an 80s movie?
riedmae ยท 16 points ยท Posted at 15:15:01 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
It was James Spader's yearbook quote
phome83 ยท 7 points ยท Posted at 15:24:28 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
He was captain of the ski team at the time.
SamiTheBystander ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 17:51:47 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Or was he the worlds number 2 self help guru?
wheremypackageat ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:34:01 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Now you know there were at least two of his friends standing behind him, jeering
JackAColeman ยท 19 points ยท Posted at 07:29:28 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
That's from the Love Guru. Great movie. Kinda.
DroidChargers ยท 14 points ยท Posted at 07:39:17 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
"What? Was your mom not making enough as a prostitute?"
Qwertyllama ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 07:38:01 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
That's just a standard insult, unless you give context that would make that relevant to what the other person said.
tonybagadonuts ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:34:32 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Again get rekt
joseph4th ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:49:51 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Yeah, many years ago that was a popular 3rd grade insult. Right up there with, "does that shirt itch? It did when I threw it away." Ah, good times. :-)
ilestledisko ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:49:49 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
My dad says that.....TO ME
psycho-logical ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 15:59:16 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Also from the original Power Rangers.
JackDelRetard ยท 1525 points ยท Posted at 02:53:40 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
My former boss would say, "if I wanted to hear an asshole, Id fart".
thebigbradwolf ยท 473 points ยท Posted at 03:10:08 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
My old boss always responded to "are you shitting me" with
I wouldn't shit you, you're my favorite turd!
booofedoof ยท 14 points ยท Posted at 06:48:39 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Awww, so sweet
OnionsHaveLayers ยท 8 points ยท Posted at 12:17:24 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
My dad says this!!!
UNIScienceGuy ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 10:45:12 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
This thread is cracking me up!
Jawbreaker93 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 13:38:30 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
You can make that one weird.
"I wouldn't shit you, you're my favorite turd. If you fell out, I'd pick you up and put you back in.
curiousGambler ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:40:42 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Was his name Jeff? And was he a network engineer?
BlenderGuy ยท 289 points ยท Posted at 04:01:45 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
A fart
Born skinless
Flies wingless
And signs before it dies
SpagattahNadle ยท 94 points ยท Posted at 05:06:16 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Is it meant to be 'signs' or 'sighs'?
cvef ยท 137 points ยท Posted at 05:15:35 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Or sings?
realrobo ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 08:55:07 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Halle'luyaaa
Sludgeface ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 07:06:31 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Zing!
-MPG13- ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 14:59:32 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Poofpoofpoofpoofpoofpoof poofpoofpoofpoof
Very musical
bridgerdabridge1 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:31:44 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
We need answers!!!
Heavenlypigeon ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:13:07 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
farts are just really good at sign language
williambueti ยท 52 points ยท Posted at 08:03:51 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Signs. Like Helen Keller, it's silent but deadly.
diMario ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 08:24:18 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
That would be Helen Keller driving a semi on the I66, I presume?
Joeliosis ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 20:35:52 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I mean you could do worse than a mute assasin. *shit responded to the wrong comment.
Uncle_Skeeter ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 12:58:09 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Either that or a fart after you've used a pineapple-sized butt-plug.
Thehumanracestinks ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 23:44:30 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Helen Killer,super spy!
snapperjaw ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 11:10:22 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Signs your undie
If you're unlucky
napalm_beach ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 08:22:31 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Most turds aspire to sign for the hearing impaired. Few are chosen.
QuietKraken ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:39:10 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
That smell. A kind of smelly smell. A smelly smell that smells...smelly.
[deleted] ยท 57 points ยท Posted at 05:55:22 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I heard in the army " If I wanted any shit from a half f***** like you I would pull my dick out of your ass and smear it on your mothers curtains"
amsid900 ยท 85 points ยท Posted at 07:12:16 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I feel kinda stupid, but what did you replace with asterisks
[deleted] ยท 123 points ยท Posted at 07:35:17 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
A slur for homosexuals or OP
Kaligraphic ยท 30 points ยท Posted at 10:08:22 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Then why a half one? That's the part that makes no sense.
I mean, I don't ask that people be inoffensive, but it would be nice to steer clear of incoherent.
[deleted] ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 14:17:49 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
You can be half homosexual... My grandma was Dutch-Irish, and my grandpa was lesbian, that makes me quarter lesbian!
BowtieMaster ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 13:12:28 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
oh, I thought it was fucker
little_seed ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:19:06 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Oh okay, because in a comment like that, the slur totally needed censoring
dasHeftinn ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:01:04 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Got em'
Solid_Freakin_Snake ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 14:24:09 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Definitely OP
[deleted] ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 11:40:56 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
A bundle of sticks
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:37:55 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
It's a password.
m0z1ng0 ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 08:15:42 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
You're allowed to cuss on the Internet, plus, it made things unclear.
[deleted] ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 08:36:34 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
[deleted]
rolledupdollabill ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 10:50:37 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
If I wanted shit from you, I'd squeeze your head.
Daenerys_Fluttershy ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:26:29 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
You can swear on the internet.
puncakes ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:15:57 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I don't get the curtain part. He already has shit from his ass right?
tattlerat ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 07:00:54 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Along the same lines as "If I wanted any lip from you I'd undo my zipper."
Cypraea ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:16:54 on November 16, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
"Why would you expect to find my lips there?"
MenialTasked ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 15:25:49 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Australian version.
"When i need hot air out of a cunt i'll squeeze your wife".
AlexQuotesMovies ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 14:27:59 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
You hear that asshole talking shit behind my back?
8ballSpeaking ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 15:57:05 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
"If I wanted to hear an asshole talk shit behind my back, I'd fart."
riZzaFray ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 07:14:45 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
My dad always says "If I wanted shit from you I'd squeeze your cheeks."
toocontent ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 08:02:13 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Did ya hear what that asshole said? It's talkin shit!
julieismyname ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:17:03 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Using this the next chance I get.
Cypraea ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:13:43 on November 16, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
"If you wanted to hear an asshole, you could speak."
obiedo ยท -1 points ยท Posted at 05:53:25 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I'm saving this comment under "Insightful". 0:)
WorldsGreatestPoop ยท 2962 points ยท Posted at 02:30:58 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I thought I was clever when after my mom called me a son of a bitch to say "You said it, not me!" She was unimpressed with my wit.
tanman1975 ยท 266 points ยท Posted at 04:52:07 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
That's because you're adopted
WorldsGreatestPoop ยท 313 points ยท Posted at 04:58:15 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
No I inherited the mood disorders, and besides, they don't let 17 year olds adopt. My sister might be the mailman's though.
GrayOctopus ยท 154 points ยท Posted at 05:54:43 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
You got no chill
Eryius ยท -3 points ยท Posted at 05:56:02 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
le black twitter memes
[deleted] ยท 21 points ยท Posted at 06:32:45 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Fam that was savage af bruh insert fire mixtape joke here
[deleted] ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 09:04:09 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Believe it or not, white people also say that.
CanuckPanda ยท 14 points ยท Posted at 13:02:23 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Because we spend too much time with second-generation Indian-Canadians who are 150% sure they're black and allowed to call all their Indian friends "niggah" because "fam, where I come from is way worse than Detroit".
I might be projecting a little, but fuck you, Leo. You grew up in fucking Caledon, not Kashmir.
ImYourHumbleNarrator ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 18:37:02 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
10/10
dquizzle ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:45:11 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
My mom took it very poorly when I broke the news to her that I was adopted.
fuck_the_haters_ ยท 608 points ยท Posted at 03:47:15 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)*
I feel like the majority of these are made up. Like the guy who's dad crawled like a dog when he was a waiter. It almost sounds like something from a movie when he added that his dad got a standing ovation from the other customers at the end.
EDIT: For fucks sake people stop messaging me about how you've had this interaction with your mother too. I've had it too. I'm not calling OP story bullshit I'm calling a majority of the OTHER replies on this thread lies. This reply is too OP because he probably has one of the most real responses in this thread, and that he shouldn't feel inadequate about his response too his mother because I feel that most of the other responses in this thread are BS. So stop messaging me about this shit I'm agreeing with OP I like his reply and once again I DON"T think OP is BS I THINK SOME OF THE OTHER REPLIES IN THIS THREAD ARE BS.
WorldsGreatestPoop ยท 373 points ยท Posted at 04:09:16 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I can assure you the only ovation I got was more yelling.
fuck_the_haters_ ยท 46 points ยท Posted at 04:19:51 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Hahhaha your mom sounds like a blast.
WorldsGreatestPoop ยท 57 points ยท Posted at 04:21:29 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God no. She's cool now but that was before the medication.
Eriksofp ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 07:21:44 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
This got dark in a hurry.
WorldsGreatestPoop ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 07:32:38 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Na man. It's cool. Just real life that worked it's self out.
Nerdy_McNerdson ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 12:35:04 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I can relate too.
buzzbros2002 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 10:35:40 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Ah, now I can relate...
Jebbediahh ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 11:43:51 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
So close to home you demolished my house with a hellfire missile.
iamelvis ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:06:48 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Oh. That took a turn
888mphour ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:16:05 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Are... Are you me?!
Phanduhugs ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 06:04:26 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
No, you're me.
Kombat_Wombat ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 09:57:47 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
A standing oration.
Dispassionatereckonr ยท 77 points ยท Posted at 06:07:34 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Ever been to /r/thathappened? Sounds like you would fit in.
guitarman565 ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 10:02:03 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Ahh the insecure sub
Kiefer0 ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 07:51:59 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Hilarity Ensues.
SuperCrusader ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 13:06:58 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Sandersity Ensues
ggppjj ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 08:17:05 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
But the only thing posted there are mod-verified events! They want things that didn't actually happen.
dankmernes ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:43:22 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
They're all busy posting that Paris guy who jumped on the suicide bomber.
fuck_the_haters_ ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 06:09:10 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The internet has made me into a cold and cynical person. I think I found my homeland.
Scouterfly ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 16:56:22 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I hate it when people make links to this subreddit as a comment. Just because strange or crazy things don't happen in your life, doesn't mean they don't happen to other people.
Dispassionatereckonr ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 23:05:10 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I was just giving OP the link, not using it to bash someone else's story. Sure, exciting things happen, but even you have to understand why someone would make fun of this.
Scouterfly ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 23:28:42 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
No no, I wasn't snapping at you, I was just saying it's annoying when people read a story and then just write "/r/thathappened" as a reply.
neatchee ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 12:21:59 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
You know, this one I believe though, because it actually happened to me too! I was being a typical teenage shithead during an argument and my mom got so flustered and frustrated that she called me a SOB.
We just kinda looked at each other for a second... then started laughing. Pretty good way to defuse the situation actually haha
fuck_the_haters_ ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 14:43:51 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
If you just read further down this comment chain: https://www.reddit.com/r/AskReddit/comments/3sum6a/whats_the_best_smartass_comment_youve_ever_heard/cx0pxj4?context=3
Dyesce_ ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 12:15:30 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Meh, who cares, they're funny.
I'll never know if a stranger in a far away land led to me so I chose to believe it. I forget real quickly about it anyway because I don't know these people.
dankmernes ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 15:41:58 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
There are always people who live exceptionally boring lives that never experience anything beyond a modicum of an experience.
If you think all of these sound made up, you should focus on breaking out of your day to day mold. I assure you, people have a huge range of behavior, and life can give you lemons and lemonade at the same time.
fuck_the_haters_ ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 16:59:50 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Thank you mysterious internet stranger. You know everything about my life. Thanks for also believing just because someone is skeptic that they must live boring lives, I mean obviously you know everything about life and you can impart this superfluous knowledge onto me.
If you took the time to read my comment I said a majority I believe were made up not all.
dankmernes ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 17:15:09 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
You are very welcome! Now get out there and grab life by the horn!
[deleted] ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 17:22:54 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Not sure if your comment was intentional but I had a good laugh
fuck_the_haters_ ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:04:50 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
This is the internet no need to be so cereal all the time.
Doctursea ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 06:29:12 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
To be fair my mom's said it to me a handful of times, and just stops then says something like "you know what the fuck I mean", but it's too late me and my sister were already laughing too hard.
fuck_the_haters_ ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 06:31:50 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I didn't mean /u/WorldsGreatestPoop doesn't sound beliavable. If anything his and a couple others sound belivable. I mean most of the other replies in this thread seem made up.
imeuru ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 06:32:13 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Sometimes movie scenes happen irl...I've had a movie scene happen to me, (Think Boogie Nights on the dance floor w/standing ovation, and I high fived a guy with downs s. on the way out.) it was surreal.
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 06:35:20 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
[deleted]
fuck_the_haters_ ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 06:37:47 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
https://www.reddit.com/r/AskReddit/comments/3sum6a/whats_the_best_smartass_comment_youve_ever_heard/cx0pxj4?context=3
Accendil ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 06:54:37 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I can believe half of this one, my mum said this to me and I replied something about her insulting herself but she wasn't unimpressed or impressed as it's a pretty lame come back.
fuck_the_haters_ ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 14:45:59 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
https://www.reddit.com/r/AskReddit/comments/3sum6a/whats_the_best_smartass_comment_youve_ever_heard/cx0xnyu?context=3
_lucidity ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 07:04:50 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Honest to god, my grandmother once told me how my dad (her son) was a son of a bitch. In all fairness, she has Alzheimer's now.
fuck_the_haters_ ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 14:45:04 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
https://www.reddit.com/r/AskReddit/comments/3sum6a/whats_the_best_smartass_comment_youve_ever_heard/cx0q2lx?context=3
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 12:00:18 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
When it comes to witty comebacks, here's the secret. We practise them over and over because the same damned arguments keep coming up.
size0618 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 14:35:14 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Wtf?
Wolfgang7990 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:28:41 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I've heckled my mom for calling me a son of a bitch before as well. Same outcome as the OP.
fuck_the_haters_ ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 17:45:37 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
click all the way through for a special prize
Wolfgang7990 ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 17:49:32 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
So because a handful of other people have had this run-in you think it's made up?
fuck_the_haters_ ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 17:58:24 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Did you not read the comment? I'm replying to OP because he said he thought he felt clever when he told his mom that she said it not him. I'm saying the reason why he feels inadqueate about his clever response as compared to other people. Is because the other peoples comments feel made up. Please re-read this sentence. The OTHER, key word OTHER, peoples comment feel made up. So I do agree with him that it's a clever witty reply, and I do believe that it's a true reply he had with his mom.
The reason why I refrence another reply is because I feel the other reply is the epitome of made up bullshit. I don't believe that a reasturant full of customers would give a guy a standing ovation when he tells an annoying customer off. THats why I use that as an example for BS replies in this thread.
So for fuck sakes people stop messaging about how you had this interaction with your mother too, BECAUSE I AGREE WITH YOU I HAD THIS TOO WITH MY MOM. And take some time to read the fucking comments.
I'll link it again since you didn't read it please take just 5 fucking seconds to read it before commenting to me about how you had this interaction with your mom, because I agree with OP I;ve had it too.
Wolfgang7990 ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 19:19:43 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Oh no its such a conspiracy! OP might be lying about heated exchanges with his mom!
fuck_the_haters_ ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 19:21:22 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)*
I never said that re-read it again.
Wolfgang7990 ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 19:24:52 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Same reasoning. OP/replier has no proof of the event and you don't have proof of either person lying. When it comes down to it, the one denying the situation is the asshole.
fuck_the_haters_ ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:33:21 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Are you being serious? I've never talked about proofs at all. In fact once again if you take the time to read instead of trying to start beef on the internet I've said a multiple time that I have a feeling that their stories are bs. If I wanted to be an asshole I could have replied to them individually and said your lying, but I didn't because all I had was a feeling that those stories were lies. You're not an asshole for doubting stories you're an asshole if you start hounding people about it. Which you're doing now.
You're on a forum take the time to read shit before you start arguments for the most stupid of reasons.
Wolfgang7990 ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 21:26:07 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Lol you just hate being wrong don't you? Just scrolling through your history, I see a lot of the same shit. You really like to go against the grain as much as you can. Such a special snowflake you are:) So cold and cynical. I've never seen that before.
fuck_the_haters_ ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 21:57:11 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I like how you went from not reading any of my post to reading them all. If you read through my posts then you know I like to shitpost because I'm a shitlord.
mbbird ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 10:14:19 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
You're being ridiculous. These are $100% true.
bluecanaryflood ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 07:04:12 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
And he got a $one hundred% dollars bill from a bald eagle that flew in from the sunset.
That eagle's name? Albert Einstein.
Spacemxn ยท -6 points ยท Posted at 05:09:35 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
/r/thathappened
gpace1216 ยท 44 points ยท Posted at 05:03:35 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
My brother called me that once, then laughed and forgot what we were arguing about.
errantapostrophe ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 19:38:30 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I knew twins that were exchanging yo mama jokes until they realized they were talking about the same person
emaleth86 ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 07:14:15 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I've done that one before, wasn't a nice afternoon at home
SibilantSounds ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 08:31:57 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I can vouch for this story. I've done the same.
Did not go well.
ownage99988 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 06:48:15 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
If you were at that one guys house it would have been a savage beating with jumper cables
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 07:44:01 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
my mom jokingly called me a little bitch once in front of some friends and family, so I complained that she called me a bitch and she said "then stop being a little bitch" right in front of my grandma
Lol she's the best mom I could ask for.
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 10:36:42 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
My mum once called me a bitch and I replied with โyeah, well I learnt from the best!" Her rage increased substantially.
inthrees ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 14:00:50 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
alternate responses include "I'M SAYING!" or "THAT IS MY MOTHER YOU ARE TALKING ABOUT, MADAM."
wahoo20 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:21:45 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
My mom said this once during an argument. I immediately started laughing my ass off. She was less amused.
EagleEye_ ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:32:01 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Reminds me of this comment I've had saved for a while.
M1ndl355 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:19:18 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
My mom called me a son of a bitch once. My dad started laughing so hard he fell out of his chair.
Better-With-Butter ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 04:30:46 on November 16, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Lol my mom said the same thing to me once, but instead of a witty comeback I just started crying
anotherpoweruser ยท 2605 points ยท Posted at 03:46:29 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
When it comes to intelligence, you're definitely at the top of the bell curve.
fwubglubbel ยท 1796 points ยท Posted at 05:22:03 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
That's just mean.
Note: Not my joke. I reddit here first.
csl512 ยท 23 points ยท Posted at 09:56:59 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
They are the mode.
cockdragon ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 18:30:12 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
If by bell curve we're talking a normal distribution, then the mean, median, and mode are all the same.
Rhazior ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 13:49:28 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Commenting mode: puns.
KlausBaudelaire ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 15:52:11 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I don't remember what mode means, but it rings a bell.
Sq33KER ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 07:04:02 on November 16, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Raising the standard for statistics puns
echosixwhiskey ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 14:36:08 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
This is just an average response
[deleted] ยท 10 points ยท Posted at 08:56:53 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Lol, I started typing a response about why it wasn't mean, and then I got your joke. You're right, it's just mean. Lol, well played.
PoisonousPlatypus ยท -1 points ยท Posted at 03:48:16 on November 16, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Is "lol" punctuation to you, or do you just have a disorder?
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 04:15:19 on November 16, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Hmm, another fair point. I should cut back on that. Thanks for pointing that out. Hah
[deleted] ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 20:52:53 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Oh. "I reddit here first." That's why. Man, that took me a while.
TryAnotherUsername13 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 11:57:24 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)*
Does intelligence really have a nice symmetric bell curve though? If itโs asymmetric then the top is not the mean.
heliotach712 ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 16:05:18 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
iq is one of the classic variables with normal distribution.
poon-is-food ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 12:33:45 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Intelligence is one of those ones that is a pain in the dick to put a number to.
IQ tests can be swayed by studying for them. someone who knows what typically asked and knows the methods for solving the problems is going to be better equipped than someone who has never seen them before.
I dont think there is a great bell curve because of this. if anything, there is a disproportionate number of high IQ's compared to low IQ's.
[deleted] ยท -4 points ยท Posted at 08:22:26 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Not mean, unless you are offended by being average.
MrStigglesworth ยท 13 points ยท Posted at 09:12:54 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
average = mean
[deleted] ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 15:53:20 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
That's why he said that.
MrStigglesworth ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 20:22:42 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Mean is the same thing as average. They're synonyms.
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 22:31:20 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Yes that is why he could also have said: "Not mean(adjective), unless you are offended by being mean(noun)", but he decided to use the word "average" to prevent confusion.
kekalekkadingdong ยท -2 points ยท Posted at 05:45:18 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Bet he drives a Range Rover.
ObidiahWTFJerwalk ยท 324 points ยท Posted at 05:20:57 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
A variation on, "My days of not taking you seriously are certainly coming to a middle. "
Villain_of_Brandon ยท 14 points ยท Posted at 07:11:27 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
This was in a movie or tv show, but I can't remember which one.
[deleted] ยท 36 points ยท Posted at 07:15:14 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
[deleted]
[deleted] ยท 16 points ยท Posted at 09:39:31 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
welp time to watch the whole series again thanks
Bryaxis ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 12:32:29 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Many welps! Handle it!
Villain_of_Brandon ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 15:23:50 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
thank you, i'm a little embarrassed I didn't remember that.
aarchaput ยท -8 points ยท Posted at 07:29:44 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Community.
GaelanStarfire ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 14:45:24 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
That show has some great one liners.
canoe123 ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 13:33:39 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
That's a completely separate thing.
Crook_Lid ยท 142 points ยท Posted at 05:32:23 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)*
I don't get it.
Edit: Alright, I get it now, people!
pixlepize ยท 407 points ยท Posted at 05:38:41 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
In a bell curve the middle of the curve is the highest point. Do a google image search if your having trouble visualizing it. Basically means that it sounds like he's saying you're smart but he's really saying you're average.
unknownvar-rotmg ยท 338 points ยท Posted at 05:49:30 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
It's mildly insulting to tell someone they're not special, but there's nothing really intrinsically wrong with being average. I think there are better smart-ass comments out there.
CTiShin ยท 302 points ยท Posted at 06:07:46 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
yes but this is reddit and we are the top 1% .
odie4evr ยท 167 points ยท Posted at 07:39:12 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
An online free IQ test told me I had an IQ of 175.
Rokusi ยท 133 points ยท Posted at 08:12:19 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
An online IQ test told me I have an IQ of 176. Therefore, you must be objectively a slack-jawed idiot.
PrayWithMe ยท 14 points ยท Posted at 09:41:44 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
177 reporting in, so get the fuck out.
Goodasabot ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 19:34:57 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I 32 so eet poopoo elbo likr
PrayWithMe ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 19:41:39 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Gotcha mate.
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 09:03:55 on November 16, 2015 ยท (Permalink)*
Well my IQ test page crashed while giving me the results..I think the scores were not good
subliminalbrowser ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:10:20 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Something is wrong here... You aren't being enough of a dick!
-PaperbackWriter- ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 09:41:45 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Someone on my Facebook posted this exact score the other day and was very excited about it, I didn't have the heart to tell them it's very unlikely.
benmcsausage ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 11:35:32 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I'll give you gold to do my homework. I need a 200 word essay, but can you finish it by or before December 14th?
SuperCrusader ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 13:12:13 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Fucking normie lol,985 IQ there?
indigoreality ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 14:52:36 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
It also told me I could buy more IQs
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:34:48 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Only 175? You plebeian! I have a interwebs-confirmed IQ of over 360!
Ravingsmads ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:12:48 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
haha, that's dumb.. i PAYED for my online IQ test and it told me i'm 131... true story sobs
benmcsausage ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:28:09 on December 22, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
If you gave me a 200 word essay on anything. I woulda gave you gold.
deadlyenmity ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 07:41:11 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
TOP. MINDS.
MirRelevant ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 21:04:04 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
You know what's sad, there's tons of people out there who are actually really intelligent, perhaps even on Reddit. But they constantly get verbal beatings because people talk badly about those who simply pretend. In other words, those people are made fun of even though they're not the culprit.
/r/iamverysmart people like to say they're in the 1%, but it's unfair on those who are, I think.
kataskopo ยท -3 points ยท Posted at 08:35:34 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
People in my family always told me I was super smart.
Then real life started and I realized being "smart" doesn't mean fucking shit, and it's about hard work and shit like that.
So yeah, when I have kids I'm complementing them on their hard work and stuff they actually do, not some vague notion of being intelligent.
Core_Four ยท 18 points ยท Posted at 06:39:24 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Yeah thats what I thought. I was like, so you're saying there's a good chunk of people I'm smarter than?
Eric_The_Blue ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 11:50:11 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Exactly 50 actually lol
[deleted] ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 06:47:53 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I think the implication is 'you think you are smarter than you actually are'.
unknownvar-rotmg ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 06:58:37 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
This assumes that the person thinks they're above-average. While not unlikely, I think a fair number of us just think of ourselves as "normal".
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 07:11:58 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Alright, then.
dis_is_my_account ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:20:51 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I don't know. High egos are very rampant these days. Everyone thinks their an einstein waiting to bloom.
shmameron ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 08:18:52 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Honestly it's a weak-ass burn. People just like it because they understand it and most people won't.
Jerlko ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:41:54 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Honestly, most people who have gone to university probably know what a bell curve is. It's not anything incredibly niche in a particular subject, it's just a way to manage data.
Jerlko ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 15:40:31 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
This is one of those insults that only works in threads like these. Try using it seriously in real life and you'll just come off as an awkward idiot.
squidgy617 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 08:27:12 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
It's a compliment that wants to be an insult.
BaseAttackBonus ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 12:02:49 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
But the burn comes from telling them they are stupid in a way they dont understand
DAVIDcorn ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:55:44 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I'm at the bottom right of most bell curves, but I'm on the bottom left on the one that matters, the will to actually get off my ass and do something curve.
tyen0 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:53:48 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
But everyone thinks they are above average despite evidence, so it is still a good insult. :)
Deako87 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 22:24:19 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Damn right.
I'm pretty much smack bang on the average height for my country and I'm very much ok with this.
ImperialDoor ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 08:35:39 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Normal > Autistic
draemscat ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 07:22:31 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I still don't get it. Isn't middle the same as top in this case? (I don't speak english very well)
pixlepize ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:43:11 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Here's a picture of the IQ bell curve. So yes the top, the highest point on the bell curve, IS the middle of the curve, but the middle of the curve is average inelegance.
draemscat ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:35:01 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
But the joke only works with these specific parameters.
Also
pixlepize ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:38:26 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Hey, I'm not the joke teller, I'm just the guy who ruins the joke by explaining it.
Karl_Marx_ ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 07:58:40 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Wouldn't the peak of the bell curve be the highest point of intelligence? What kind of graph are we even looking at. Intelligence vs Age? This needs more explaining!
Edit: I looked at a Bell Curve and I can see that at the highest point it shows the most of something. But this statement is 100% based on what the graph is comparing, so it doesn't make sense.
[deleted] ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 11:32:07 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The x axis would be intelligence the y axis would be the number of people. The top of the bell curve is the most common level of intelligence. The left most side is the lower end of the spectrum ( stupid people), the right most is the higher end of the spectrum ( smart people ). If you are in the middle of the bell curve you are just average
Karl_Marx_ ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 07:47:11 on November 16, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The insult should be this, you are at the peak of a bell curve in a graph that shows amount of people and intelligence. That completely ruins it, but at least it clarifies what the hell is on the bell curve.
Jerlko ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:46:40 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Bell curves only apply to distribution because any other metric would just make it a scatterplot or any variation hence. The definition of a bell curve is that it shows normal distribution.
NeatAnecdoteBrother ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 14:40:56 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Aka it's not even an insult?
Saying someone's average would likely not dwindle anyone's ego
thedankbank1021 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 07:47:22 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
It means you're statistically right in the middle of intelligence.
DarlingBri ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 16:10:59 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Translation: When it comes to intelligence, you're definitely completely average.
[deleted] ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 20:04:08 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The bell curve shape is the shape of a frequency graph for things like intelligence, height, and other characteristics. Basically, if you graph how many people have an IQ from say 20 to 190 - 20, 21, 22, [...] 98, 99, 100, 101 [...] 181, 182, 183 etc... - you would find the greated number of people are in the middle, at about 100. On either side, less and less people are there as you move away from the centre. This forms a bell shaped graph. If you're at the top of the bell curve, you're right in the centre, or the average. So they're saying "you're average intelligence" but it sounds good at first.
FINDTHECOMPUTERROOM ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:16:15 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Basic bitch.
average_shill ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:51:41 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I guess that means you're right up there at the top! Yay, time for balloons and cake!
leedade ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 15:47:46 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
thats because you are a stupid
Jellyroll_Jr ยท 547 points ยท Posted at 05:02:29 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
See. This is perfect. If someone was truly stupid, they'd take it as a compliment
heliotach712 ยท 239 points ยท Posted at 06:15:14 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
well if they're stupid and you're saying they're average, why shouldn't they take i as a compliment?
I guess you're also calling them mean.
hktouk ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 12:29:46 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I thought the meanest person was a 24.3 yr old Chinese man called Mohammed? :)
Bowlslaw ยท 795 points ยท Posted at 05:54:51 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
You don't have to be truly stupid to not understand a bell curve. It has no application in most people's lives.
eloquentnemesis ยท 24 points ยท Posted at 14:58:09 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Great insight, you must be on the top of the bell curve!
StellarPando ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 17:13:14 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Well if you indeed are truly stupid, you'll be at bottom of the bell curve, so it is still a valid compliment.
MaxsAgHammer ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:34:01 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
well, one of the bottoms
[deleted] ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 16:02:38 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The statisticians though, they'd think it was pretty brutal.
Denalix ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 17:14:58 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Yeahhhh so someone explain this joke for a retard like me.
redditisadamndrug ยท 7 points ยท Posted at 17:47:23 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Most people are about the same height while there are a few very tall people and a few very short people.
If you graphed height vs number of people it would look a bit like a bell. Lots of people in the middle means it is highest in the middle. Lots of things are distributed like this. IQ for one.
By saying top of the bell curve it sounds like a compliment as top is usually good but it really means you're average.
Plsdontreadthis ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:24:27 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I don't think you understood his comment right. You don't have to be stupid to not know what a bell curve is, but if you are stupid, you probably won't know what it is.
Bowlslaw ยท -1 points ยท Posted at 23:05:49 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Ah, I see. Still seems like a "smarter-than-thou" comment.
Also, I have a bachelors in physics with a mathematics minor. lulz
Randy_Moss_84 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:58:17 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
You are living life wrong if you are not using bell curves.
Piloh ยท -43 points ยท Posted at 06:50:16 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Bell curves have applications in everyone's life. They model many many things.
Bowlslaw ยท 42 points ยท Posted at 06:52:21 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
That doesn't mean people know what they are.
Piloh ยท -9 points ยท Posted at 11:42:27 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Absolutely right. But they sure are all around us.
Dusty_Old_Bones ยท 21 points ยท Posted at 13:58:14 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
glances suspiciously left and right
OgGorrilaKing ยท 9 points ยท Posted at 14:50:24 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Don't move, it's right behind you.
jellyman93 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 14:37:02 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
As described in the Billy Mack song Bell curves are all around
philliefanatic9 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:01:48 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
If you really love bellcurves
Lilpu55yberekt ยท 16 points ยท Posted at 14:35:53 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Considering 99% of all people can live their entire lives just fine without understanding what a bell-curve is (not including a statistics class they may have been forced to take). I'd say it doesn't have an application in most peoples lives.
The formula for gravity has a huge application in everybody's life, but for thousands of years nobody had any idea what the formula for gravity was and they got by just fine.
Forkrul ยท -1 points ยท Posted at 16:19:04 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Just because they don't know it doesn't mean it has no applications in their life. They'd almost certainly be better off if they properly understood it.
SkyNTP ยท -42 points ยท Posted at 06:54:05 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)*
Normal distributions can be found in almost everything though. Maybe it won't help you change a tire or flip burgers at McDonalds, but understanding normal distributions will give you a better understanding of how the world works and thus lead to better decision making and better jobs.
nik282000 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 12:05:00 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I know rational thinking can't really be taught but things like normal distribution and probability should really be apart of basic education.
[deleted] ยท 11 points ยท Posted at 14:45:01 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
[deleted]
Jerlko ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 15:49:43 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
rekt
Forkrul ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 16:18:00 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
It already is? At least it's part of all the required maths courses at schools in Norway.
inhalemyfarts ยท -57 points ยท Posted at 06:33:55 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Right, you just have to be totally ignorant and not well-read. So basically, a good proxy for stupid people
Bowlslaw ยท 35 points ยท Posted at 06:35:21 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
...the hell are you talking about?
inhalemyfarts ยท -42 points ยท Posted at 06:45:02 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
see above
a_link_to_the_passed ยท 16 points ยท Posted at 07:55:55 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
You're one of those left sided guys on this bell curve aren't you.
inhalemyfarts ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 17:32:42 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Because I'm aware of what a bell curve is? Ya, that doesn't make any sense. Better luck next time.
a_link_to_the_passed ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 22:05:34 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)*
No. Because you don't understand the difference between knowledge and intelligence, and by your logic, that makes you stupid. Although by correct logic, that wouldn't actually prove you're stupid. Do you see the irony?
Just so you're aware, this reply isn't meant to be condescending. A joke isn't really funny if you have to explain it, but I feel like the explanation is necessary here.
inhalemyfarts ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 00:13:36 on November 16, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Quite a stretch to pull this from anything I said. Sure you read the right comment? Trying a bit too hard here. It's cute, don't get me wrong, and A for effort.
a_link_to_the_passed ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:22:16 on November 16, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Not a stretch at all, it was clear from your first comment. And you seem to be a pretty insufferable person based on your comment history so I'll ignore your patronization.
inhalemyfarts ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 03:41:48 on November 16, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Care to articulate or just continue to make unsupported generalizations?
Insufferable as in introducing red herring into a flimsy argument? That kind of insufferable?
a_link_to_the_passed ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:50:55 on November 16, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
You exaggerating a ton and overusing big words doesn't make you right. Of course I can explain. If you want to have this conversation, then you might as well stop being rude.
Knowledge =/= intelligence. If you don't know something because nobody ever told you or you never came to discover it, it doesn't make you stupid. It makes you uniformed or less knowledgeable in that area.
You said:
You don't have to be "totally ignorant" to not know what a bell curve is. That isn't a good "proxy for stupid people". Your whole statement was ridiculous.
I didn't explain because I was wrong or incapable, I didn't bother because it seems like you're whole understanding is terribly flawed, and you can't be reasoned with. Your reply to this will determine whether or not my initial thoughts were right.
inhalemyfarts ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 05:04:23 on November 20, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I'm exaggerating? You're the one fabricating a knowledge vs intelligence dichotomy as a premise to lecture, when in fact, that is not implied by anything I said.
Overuse means to use a word more than once. I don't. So, exhibit a of verbal filler on your part. Further, there wasn't a single word I used that would be considered complicated by a high school graduate. Maybe you should consult a dictionary or brush up on your vocabulary. It's clearly lacking.
No, but if you don't know what a bell curve is (a topic that permeates all of social science and statistics) you are just plain and simple not well-read. If you are not well-read it's probably not a stretch to imagine you lack intellectual curiosity, something most intelligent people have. But please, do continue to overreact about this very simple and admittedly general commentary, seeing as you appear to enjoy your position behind the lectern and clearly have no opportunity in real life to attempt self-important sermonizing.
In case you found the above a bit difficult to decipher, feel free to visit: www.dictionary.com
a_link_to_the_passed ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:11:29 on November 20, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
There's no hope for you
inhalemyfarts ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 05:16:57 on November 20, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Ah yes, the resort to generalization when the cat has got your tongue. Feel free to articulate a reply when you grow your big boy vocabulary.
Blues2112 ยท -1 points ยท Posted at 17:16:30 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
It doesn't need to have application in anyone's life in order to be understand. It's fairly self-explanatory, so failure to grasp it does seem to indicate a lower-level cognitive function.
e_dan_k ยท -33 points ยท Posted at 14:44:46 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
OMG. Please tell me you don't believe this. If you are dealing with probability, you need to understand the Bell Curve. And everybody deals with probability.
RogerDaShrubber ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 16:37:10 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I know what a bell curve is, however, I also know that you do not need to know what a bell curve is in order to understand statistics. It is one method of showing a distribution among many, and visuals aren't necessary to actually understand statistics. Suggesting that everybody must know what a bell curve is is as ignorant and stupid as you are suggesting others are.
e_dan_k ยท -19 points ยท Posted at 15:53:22 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Vote it down. Stay ignorant.
It's like that scene in The Wire, where the kid learns the odds of craps and makes a ton of money. The odds of craps? Yep, that's a Bell Curve, too.
Math: it's not just for Mathematicians. Honest.
IevaFT ยท 10 points ยท Posted at 16:19:43 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
People aren't down voting because they're ignorant. People are down voting because your attitude fucking stinks.
JackLegg ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 16:15:04 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Still no one has told me what a fucking bell curve is.
fustercluck1 ยท 109 points ยท Posted at 05:29:20 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
When if they like being average? In the case of them actually being stupid it would mean the initial statement is actually false, given a normal distribution.
average_shill ยท -21 points ยท Posted at 05:50:08 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I would argue that the average person is pretty stupid. Just because you're at the middle of a distribution in a sea of retards (with a handful of geniuses skewing the IQ distribution) doesn't necessarily mean you're intelligent or even deserve to feel proud.
fustercluck1 ยท 16 points ยท Posted at 05:59:10 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Can you really be considered stupid if half of the population is less intelligent than you? Is there actually a static measure for stupidity or is it relative to everyone else? Would a "genius" be considered smart if everyone else was as smart as him?
MrDTD ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:04:46 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
It's not so much that half are less intelligent than you, it's that 70% are more or less as smart as you are, with 15% on either end up and down.
average_shill ยท -9 points ยท Posted at 06:03:50 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I say yes, the downvotes obviously disagree but I don't care about internet points. I've met many people with IQs of 100+ (average or above) and been flabbergasted that they even remember to breath consistently.
Is there a truly objective measure of intelligence? Probably not, it's hard to quantify. But I can still berate you for doing dumb shit
Rokusi ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 08:10:10 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Are you sure you're not simply looking down your nose at them, and so are seeing them as shit before they even have a chance to speak?
average_shill ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 10:50:14 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
..?
I mean, some people definitely do have that 'dumb' look but no, I think you typically need to have some sort of conversation first.
Was that a serious comment?
swindlz ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 11:58:04 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
So how is 8th grade working out for you? Made any friends?
average_shill ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 13:36:42 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
accidentally cuts self on edge
Jerlko ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:48:11 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Did you just make fun of yourself?
FloatyFloat ยท -7 points ยท Posted at 06:18:24 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Stupid, as in unable to defend their own opinions, being decently well read, or having a good grasp on general knowledge? If that's what you mean, then yes, more than half of the population is stupid.
[deleted] ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 07:54:44 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
What qualifies as general knowledge? Or is that general knowledge? Shit, guess I'm dumb.
FloatyFloat ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 07:58:05 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Well...
Praising_the_Sun ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 10:26:32 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)*
I really want to say the only people who know this is anyone in the justice system. How often do you read only the first amendment of the constitution compared to how often each characters name is said in a 30 minute show you watch at least once a week? The average person has only read the constitution for history class. Never again have they seen it. But you see this show every week
I figured out who everyone was in TWD off 2 episodes because of the sheer frequency each name was said. The last time I personally read the constitution was 11th grade history (less than 5 years ago). So it's a little fresher in my mind than 30 year old Joe Schmoe who goes to his office job, gym, and then home to his wife everyday. The last time he read the constitution was over 10 years ago. Most people only remember freedom of speech since that's one that is the most infringed upon. When does the average person see the freedom of press, religion (I forget the other 2) infringed upon?
That survey is bogus. As for the rest of the article? It's not too bad. Not really any complaints.
FloatyFloat ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 17:08:44 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Yeah, I picked the first thing I found. I disagree that the survey is not significant.
That is the issue. People watch a cartoon (even though it is a good cartoon) far more than they read the document that runs their country. I think not knowing your own basic rights raises some red flags.
There are many ways to define intelligence, and not knowing basic things about your country does not makes anyone ignorant or stupid in general. After all, some people don't care about politics. But invariably, you'll find that many of these people barely know anything about math, history, literature, and so forth. They just know about their immediate surroundings (i.e. their job, whatever TV shows they watch, etc). Is that understandable? Yes. But is that also ignorance? Yes.
Which is why I think the survey is not conclusive evidence, but it is one piece of evidence in a very large pile.
kovaluu ยท 20 points ยท Posted at 05:27:53 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Oh the irony.
SSB_Seal ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 06:50:16 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Your sentence was just perfect since it works on 2 levels. First, they'd have to be dumb to interpret the comment as an insult, and second, if they were dumb, they'd find being called average a compliment.
SkepticShoc ยท 7 points ยท Posted at 06:37:21 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
If someone was truly stupid, it would technically be a compliment.
Very_Bored_Redditor ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 09:01:02 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
You could also tell someone that they are so clever "They are on the ascending line of the bell curve"! That works right?
jellyman93 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 14:39:14 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
"truly stupid". Nearly most people have less intelligence than that statement says.
coalminnow ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:27:30 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Well it's not really an insult, your just saying they're of average intelligence.
Gufnork ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:24:33 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
If someone was truly stupid it would be a compliment.
Moyeslestable ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:32:30 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
If someone was truly stupid, it would be a compliment... I see you aren't at the top of the bell curve
extreme_douchebag ยท 8 points ยท Posted at 06:32:14 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Good thing I draw by bell curves sideways, mudafucka
SweetNeo85 ยท 7 points ยท Posted at 06:57:29 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Make sure you say "peak". Top could still be interpreted as the highest end.
NeatAnecdoteBrother ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 14:40:04 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
But that's not even an insult
echnaba ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 15:25:24 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Weak
REMagic42 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 19:32:44 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
You are like Einstein - two standard deviations away from average.
[deleted] ยท 7 points ยท Posted at 05:17:36 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Googles "wtf is bell curve." Then responds "haha good one!" - Never even notices he forgot the "a"
Milkywayne ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 09:32:37 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
For others that like me didn't get it
Cool_Calm_Collected ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 10:25:54 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Love it.
Mysterious_X ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 10:35:37 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
And it's only an insult to people smart enough to get it. Brilliant.
Animyr ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 11:07:09 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
"Top of the bell curve" sounds like something Immortan Joe would say.
Misterpeople25 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:54:42 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Some of us are happy to be average.
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:00:00 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Well, I mean, I don't think that being average is so bad...
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:29:43 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
an iq of 100 is, by definition, not stupid. i think you have to get lower than 70 to be considered cognitively impaired or developmentally delayed, and a further 15 pts below that before you're retarded. maybe some redditor will be able to confirm, as i'm too fucking lazy to check. :)
MetalPandaDance ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:15:09 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I might be stupid, but isn't the top just average?
Cool-Zip ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:04:36 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The veracity of this statement is exposed by their response to it.
ace_urban ยท -3 points ยท Posted at 06:18:41 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Reminds me of my ex-girlfriend. One time she asked me if I think she's smart. I said, "I'm often astonished by your level of intelligence." She left the room looking very proud and it was a good 30 seconds before she stormed back into the room demanding to know what exactly I meant by that.
Similar to when she asked if I thought she was sexy. I said, "Well, I'm certainly not dating you for your personality." Her response was to hug me and say, "You do think I'm sexy!"
Sure, I'm kind of a dick but I was mostly joking both times...
ViolentThespian ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 09:58:22 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Something tells me you shouldn't have been in that relationship to begin with.
Errodr1001 ยท 657 points ยท Posted at 08:40:44 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
My class was watching a movie in English and a painting came up on screen. The class started saying that it was the painting from the Titanic and then out teacher said," you're all so uneducated and ignorant". I responded with,"whose fault is that?".
[deleted] ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 18:26:26 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
What happened afterwards?
Errodr1001 ยท 8 points ยท Posted at 20:56:08 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
She didn't take it well and things became very uncomfortable
SirDickslap ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 23:24:37 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
When I was 9 or 10 I had a friend over. I was being annoying, as kids tend to do. My mom was really mad at me, and she told me that my friend was taught manners way better. I wanted to say "and who's fault is that?" but I would've gotten a beating if I had. Laughed about it with the friend the same day and also with my mom years later.
Uncreative_Color ยท -9 points ยท Posted at 18:32:03 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The teacher is illiterate; ignorant means uninformed and thus saying both is redundant.
numberIV ยท 15 points ยท Posted at 19:31:40 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Saying something redundant = illiterate. Got it.
Uncreative_Color ยท -4 points ยท Posted at 19:36:46 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I exaggerated a bit, but the point was the irony in what he said.
TehSheep ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 19:28:10 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Yeah you tell him!
kjata ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 23:42:31 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
You can be very informed without being educated.
mardfet ยท -16 points ยท Posted at 15:04:26 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
This is one of the only ones I've read that's actually believable.
[deleted] ยท -23 points ยท Posted at 15:32:37 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
[deleted]
Shawer ยท 16 points ยท Posted at 16:00:33 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
When you hear the word 'uneducated' it's pretty much referencing a formal schooling every time. Teacher also could've been a dude fyi.
Sindervhit ยท 86 points ยท Posted at 15:27:27 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
A coworker once told me to eat a bag of dicks. Before I could respond, another coworker butted in and said "but why would he eat them when you've already sucked off all the flavor."
I about pissed. Best response ever. Wish it had been mine.
We're a bunch of animals out here at work.
[deleted] ยท 2344 points ยท Posted at 04:07:47 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
My high school algebra teacher accused me of cheating because iI hadn't shown any of my work on a test. When I told her that I could do it in my head she said "you can't do algebra in your head" my response was "no, YOU can't do algebra in your head".
dadudemon ยท 1181 points ยท Posted at 06:18:43 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Had a similar situation in high school trig.
I had a very dickish trig teacher. Everything had to be just the way he wanted no matter how stupid or wrong it was (I know you're supposed to respect your elders, obey the rules, bla bla bla. But extremely stupid rules are tough to follow).
One day, the teacher called me out in front of everyone at the beginning of class. I think he thought to make an example of me about showing work. He said I used the trig functions on a graphing calculator to cheat. It is a dick move to do because it humiliates the student.
Being the smartass cocky little shit I was, I challenged him to a race to solve a question that was similar to the homework, on the board.
Obviously, I solved it, FIRST, with very little work, proving that asshole wrong that I cheated.
He then said, "okay. Everyone but dadudemon has to show their work."
FantaSciFile ยท 1356 points ยท Posted at 07:33:17 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Respect to your teacher for taking his smack down like a man.
[deleted] ยท 14 points ยท Posted at 17:37:36 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
[deleted]
Nerdburton ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 23:29:35 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I type faster than 40 wpm on my phone...
DrunkenJagFan ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 23:50:49 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Oh god. Tell me there isn't an app to test it
Nerdburton ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:05:56 on November 16, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I've never seen one but that wouldn't surprise me.
Oke_oku ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:15:07 on November 16, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
My it teacher was similar, she was bipolar and hated me and my brother. I'd alwas get 1 mark lower than the only girl in the class, even if her work was a cooking recipie.
Mord_Fustang ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 18:20:45 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Honestly sound like an alright teacher to me
little_seed ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 16:16:56 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Yeah that guy was also savage in that situation
computeraddict ยท -131 points ยท Posted at 08:11:22 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I've had teachers rework their grading rubrics because of me... for the next year of students. Though I think at least one of those gave me the lazy genius' C.
[deleted] ยท 101 points ยท Posted at 08:24:19 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
/r/iamverysmart
markb4587 ยท 21 points ยท Posted at 08:48:23 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
yep, for sure seeing a screenshot of this thread either on that subreddit or /r/thathappened.
computeraddict ยท -62 points ยท Posted at 08:45:47 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
You have my entire post history to work with, and this is the best you can come up with? I bet I could come up with something better. Here, take this dart. Whichever number you hit, that's how many something betters I'll come up with.
[deleted] ยท 55 points ยท Posted at 08:54:45 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
/r/iamverysmart
MikoSqz ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 13:46:14 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Man, dumb people sure hate smart people.
[deleted] ยท 8 points ยท Posted at 14:30:16 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
That's because sometimes smart motherfuckers sound like crazy motherfuckers to dumb motherfuckers.
WhatDoYouWantToKnow1 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 23:09:03 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
And sometimes dumb motherfuckers are just dumb motherfuckers who think they're smart.
TheHornyToothbrush ยท -5 points ยท Posted at 13:54:14 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)*
I hate that sub. A lot of those people are actually very smart.
dis_is_my_account ยท 12 points ยท Posted at 15:26:54 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
It isn't about if they're smart or not. It's if they choose to try and brag about it.
TheHornyToothbrush ยท -5 points ยท Posted at 15:52:43 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Oh. Well it would kind of suck if you were really smart and nobody knew?
[deleted] ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 18:57:47 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Just like buying a fedora and never tipping it.
TheHornyToothbrush ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 19:05:04 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
That's an awesome analogy.
Moyeslestable ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:35:22 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
If nobody works it out for themselves, you probably aren't that smart
Darkfriend337 ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 19:21:45 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Being smart is great! Intentionally trying to sound smart by talking in a way that is focused not on clarity of communication but rather on emphasis of the parts that are supposed to highlight that person's intelligence instead are the focus of that sub.
(Note the irony).
TheHornyToothbrush ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:24:15 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Wait...so I can't use big words? /s kinda
Darkfriend337 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:28:14 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Nah, basically there is a difference between using big words because they more accurately express the nuance of the situation, and using big words because you want to sounds smart.
Remember,
It's supercalifragilisticexpialidocious
Even though the sound of it is something quite atrocious
If you say it loud enough, you'll always sound precocious
Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious
SoGodDangTired ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:57:55 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
There is a line between smart and being a smart dick.
fantasyfootballjesus ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:18:10 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Apart from sex
fdsmflife ยท 9 points ยท Posted at 12:54:03 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I don't know why you are being down voted, the lazy genius C is a real thing.
[deleted] ยท -18 points ยท Posted at 13:20:43 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)*
[removed]
computeraddict ยท 17 points ยท Posted at 15:26:30 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Hard workers are willing to do things the hard way without questioning the method. Lazy men innovate, and come up with the easy way. People claim necessity as the mother of invention, but they're just flat wrong. Sloth is the mother of invention, and wit its sire.
fantasyfootballjesus ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 15:54:06 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Also maybe, just maybe it's possible to be a hard worker and question the method and innovate
fantasyfootballjesus ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 15:53:06 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
You say that but how come most succesful people get there with hard work? You won't get anywhere with slacking
[deleted] ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 16:16:23 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
You have to at least experience the hard job once to figure out it needs automating
Dubanx ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 16:22:16 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Source?
fantasyfootballjesus ยท -1 points ยท Posted at 16:39:37 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Lmao do I really need a source for this it's common fucking knowledge.
Dubanx ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:12:13 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)*
Yes, because there have NEVER been instances of misinformation becoming widespread. Reality really doesn't support this. Rich people have rich children. Unlucky people that work hard take it in the ass, while trust find kiddies don't work a day in their life.
Hell, I'll take it one step further. I'm definitely one of those lazy people, but make a really good salary and am liked by my bosses because I'm REALLY good at what i do. It's to the point where little effort on my part still puts me ahead of my hard working coworkers. I can be lazy and still be appreciated because I'm just that good at it.
Similarly, I broke the curve on most of my Calculus exams with 15 minutes of studying while people who studied for days failed spectacularly on their second or third attempts at the course. Lazy people really can get ahead if they're smart enough.
fantasyfootballjesus ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:19:45 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I said successful not part of the elite. You are right about the gulf in class though for the elite and how hard it is to work your way up there. You may be coasting through what you're doing but I bet that if you had worked harder you could have been great.
MikoSqz ยท 9 points ยท Posted at 13:45:38 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
โWhen I have a tough job in the plant and canโt find an easy way to do it,โ Mr. Bleicher said, โI have a lazy man put on it. Heโll find an easy way to do it in 10 days. Then we adopt that method.โ
fantasyfootballjesus ยท 9 points ยท Posted at 15:23:54 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
That only works if the lazy person had worked hard enough to get the qualification for the job. Putting some random lazy fuck on the job won't solve shit.
DostThowEvenLift2 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 22:42:53 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
True, but if you give him a 10 day deadline he'll get it done in the last 2 hours.
TheHornyToothbrush ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 14:09:43 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Are you implying that if you're lazy you can't be smart or vice versa? I can tell you first hand that that's not true. I can also tell you second and third hand but that's less reputable. There are many different ways to classify intelligence. Some people are great academically, so more so at solving huge problems with logic and reasoning.
I'm terrible academically(especially in mathematics), part of this can be attributed to things like ADHD, ADD, OCD and other such things. But when I'm out of the classroom, discussing things like religious, social matters, government etc, I really start to shine.
The problem for me is, my teachers see how intelligent I can be outside of the classroom and automatically expect me to surpass my fellow peers. This simply isn't the case and has actually held me back in many cases because I've been put in advanced classes(because of tudor recommendations) and failed horribly.
Now I know this is going to sound like a humble brag, but I saw it best to use personal experiences to prove my point.
[deleted] ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 14:15:27 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)*
[removed]
TheHornyToothbrush ยท 7 points ยท Posted at 14:18:10 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Ah. Then my paragraph was unnecessary. I apologize. You are correct.
[deleted] ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 14:19:54 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)*
[removed]
[deleted] ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 17:08:23 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Stop being Buddy-Buddy with each other, this is the internet, you're supposed to violently argue whilst comparing the other party to Hitler.
shadyultima ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 15:26:57 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Being a lazy genius is extremely common in schooling situations though, because the curriculum that is required is aimed at the average intelligence, which means that those who are well above are able to get by doing very minimal work. This allows them to be lazy, and undisciplined, until they do run into challenges, and then they don't have the skills to work to succeed.
[deleted] ยท 8 points ยท Posted at 15:40:48 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)*
[removed]
shadyultima ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 16:05:45 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
That's kinda what I'm trying to say. You don't know of any recognized geniuses that were lazy, because, well, they were lazy, and never learned how to surmount challenges. It seems as though you and I may have different definitions of genius however, where you believe that genius requires concrete results (which accounts for the genius of Einstein, for example), rather than simply having superior intellect.
[deleted] ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 16:17:55 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)*
[removed]
shadyultima ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 16:22:02 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
That's where our difference is then.
SoGodDangTired ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 18:00:40 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I always managed to coast through 8 grades with little to no effort and make As and Bs. Now i don't know shit about math and just sort of accepted that I'm not going to get an A in that class. Shit hurts.
Gonna make sure my kids had a healthy respect for homework, because I didn't and its hurting me bad now.
fantasyfootballjesus ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 15:22:50 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
You're being downvoted because the lazy people in this thread don't want to accept that that's why they're not as successful as they could be.
[deleted] ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 15:35:44 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)*
[removed]
fantasyfootballjesus ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 15:46:06 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Yeah the really smart people are smart enough not to be lazy and I mean that with no offence intended.
computeraddict ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 15:35:18 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Trust me, those who are lazy and smart come to understand it quite readily. One of the great lies told to smart kids is that intelligence begets success. In school with regular tests, this is certainly the case. Depending on how tests are weighted, you can skate by on strength of memory and reasoning. I certainly did. Arriving in the real world, though, it becomes immediately obvious that the school environment doesn't prepare you for reality, where there are very few jobs that just require cleverness.
I know you'd like to think there is some moral failing going on, but there isn't. School teaches folks of average intelligence to work hard and teaches bright folks that they can achieve to the level of their peers with minimal effort. Society then kicks both groups in the balls for not being both diligent and bright.
fantasyfootballjesus ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:48:24 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
If you're really smart in school though you'll still work hard instead of slacking and you'll maintain that work ethic along with your smarts. That's how successful people are made.
computeraddict ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:26:40 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Here you make the common mistake of confusing wisdom with intelligence. Intelligence is the ability to solve problems with available information. Wisdom is those solutions, accumulated from both foresight and hindsight. You're assuming that, just because someone is smart, they somehow are granted wisdom of things that they haven't experienced.
fantasyfootballjesus ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:39:10 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
What you're saying doesn't make any sense. If you're very smart or genius level then you'll understand that hard work is necessary to reach your highest potential. It's simple.
computeraddict ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:44:54 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
You can't solve a problem that you've never been exposed to, is what I'm saying. Most smart kids are never called on to use their full potential in school.
fantasyfootballjesus ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:06:47 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I never went to school in America but I find that hard to believe. If that's true your school system must be ridiculously shit.
computeraddict ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:39:14 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
If you get stuck in gen pop at most public schools it definitely is.
fantasyfootballjesus ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:09:22 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Also there's a big difference between not being able to work as hard as your limits and not being bothered to work as hard as the school system will allow you which is what a lot of lazy smart people do and they turn out to be unsuccessful
computeraddict ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:41:22 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
But work to what end? To learn? Smart kids learn with less work than is required of them in school.
[deleted] ยท 13 points ยท Posted at 10:58:39 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
It is still important to show it though. Not for yourself, but so the examiner can see where you made mistakes and if you can still get marks. I don't know much about American exams, but not showing working in a UK exam is asking to fail.
xXI_KiLLJoY_IXx ยท 19 points ยท Posted at 15:54:45 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Not to take the dick teachers side, But you actually need to show your working in a test, which is what the questions are there to perfect.
For example, If I did 2 simultaneous equations 5x - 4y = 6 , 2x + 4y =8 , You could very easily figure out what x and y are quite quickly, but you wouldn't get full marks in the exam for just writing down x=2, y=1
dadudemon ยท -1 points ยท Posted at 04:47:44 on November 16, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I now have 5 degrees and about 6 years of college math classes under my belt.
I really really don't give a shit about showing my work on 3 steps of trig identity proofs. Never had a problem in any college courses from my math professors, as well.
xXI_KiLLJoY_IXx ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 08:16:18 on November 16, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Trig identity proofs are easy if you remember their form....
dadudemon ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 04:01:07 on November 17, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
To follow-up, I should point out that cocky little shits grow up to be arrogant motherfuckers.
xXI_KiLLJoY_IXx ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 08:56:22 on November 17, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
It's forgiven
B-Knight ยท 13 points ยท Posted at 13:07:23 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I hear that bullshit all the time about 'respect your elders and teachers blah blah'
When the truth is, if they give respect to you then you give it back. Just because I'm a kid doesn't mean I have any less rights than anyone else. You disrespect me, you get disrespect back. That doesn't make me a little shit that makes me a human being.
LukewarmPotato ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 13:01:28 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I know you're stroking your ego because you humiliated a teacher, but math isn't always about speed. When it gets difficult or is used in field, accuracy is far more important. You can have hundreds of calculations with several values for certain terms and effective working is essential for finding mistakes. The teacher wasn't trying to burden your life with pain and misery, he was just trying to teach you a useful habit from his own experience.
NewlyMintedAdult ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 18:13:03 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The teacher accused him of cheating. That doesn't sound like trying to teach him useful habits.
LukewarmPotato ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:43:30 on November 16, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Taking precaution for a valid possibility. Sue him.
DoctorWaluigiTime ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 14:58:01 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Relatedish: I was one of those guys that programmed stuff on his TI calculator (83+ Silver Edition thank you very much). Math teacher's rule: Had to pass a quiz/test without them first, showing work, etc. Then once that was done, I could use the programs I'd made.
ratsby ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:51:38 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)*
I had a teacher who said if you're able to program it, that means you know how to do it.
Edit: This was just in Algebra 1.
DoctorWaluigiTime ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 17:59:44 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Which is a little silly, seeing as you can just copy it from the textbook and then that's it.
BipedSnowman ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 18:05:31 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
One of my classes was CommTech. Can't remember what it was short for, but it was about digital art and photography. On our tests we were allowed to listen to headphones. My teacher said of we made a podcast of the content, we probably knew it pretty well.
TheIranianAtheist ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 09:21:17 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
You and your teacher must be tight if he calls you by your reddit username.
PanchDog ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 14:17:08 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
You teenaged dipshits know why they ask you to show your work right? And that it's not an unreasonable request?
AvatarWaang ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 14:30:36 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Your username sounds like a Pokรฉmon. Can you draw it please?
nyrol ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:49:45 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I had a teacher in elementary school that would take off points if our equals signs weren't parallel. No one talked smart to him. Not that I remember anyway....it's all just a blur.
Greentoads41 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:03:19 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Haha you were quite the little dick too
jaamfan ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:11:01 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Wonderful
CloudLighting ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:58:26 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I had a similar experience grsohing trig functions on a test. Luckily we had a teacher that would give full credit for right answers. She said nobody will be able graph them all correctly without showing work. I took it as a challenge That 100 with no work except for the graphs never felt so good.
Big_D_Squirrels ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 20:48:17 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Doesn't respect stupid rules. I like you.
-MPG13- ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 15:03:17 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
American education system.
Caitstreet ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 16:05:03 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
where I'm from we HAVE to hsow work even though we don't need to because showing work is where your marks some from or something
[deleted] ยท 155 points ยท Posted at 06:13:02 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)*
What's wrong with your teacher, I KNOW you can do algebra in your head, it's really easy. I've done it lots of times.
EDIT: Can you guys please stop asking me to do math for you. I'm not a calculator just cause I can do algebra easily you know. Also, I'm pretty sure one of these problems is actually someones homework.
DeadFamilyMan ยท 9 points ยท Posted at 16:32:36 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
X - 1 = 2 solve for X
Do that smart guy I bet you can't because you can't do algebra in your head! It's simply impossible.
IAmTheWolverine2 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 23:03:00 on November 23, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
X=3
[deleted] ยท -7 points ยท Posted at 16:38:48 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
x=3 this is the simplest problem I've ever done. At least give me a challenge.
jkRollingDown ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 16:54:05 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
You didn't show your work, you must have cheated!
[deleted] ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 18:11:29 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I did it in my head.
[deleted] ยท -2 points ยท Posted at 18:11:44 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I did it in my head.
bfaithr ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 18:02:30 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
4x/498x = 489x2 + 894x3 + 65 - 8x
TheHornyToothbrush ยท 13 points ยท Posted at 14:01:33 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
For you. Most people have a lot of trouble with it. Not very many people can do algebra in their head, and it's certainly not "really easy" for them.
ananori ยท 9 points ยท Posted at 15:01:23 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
What kind of algebra are we talking here?
Giomar2000 ยท 14 points ยท Posted at 16:28:38 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
2a - a
jinhong91 ยท 13 points ยท Posted at 17:10:50 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
You get an A for that.
PM_ME_YOUR_NIPPLE ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 18:35:17 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Oh that's easy, you just subtract the a, obviously leaving you with a 2!
hulkman ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:25:15 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
2! Come at me dick teachers! I've been doing complex theoretical mathematics in my head since I was 3 years old!
[deleted] ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 19:15:33 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
fuck u my parents put on MIT differential equations courses while I was still in my mother's womb.
hulkman ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:48:25 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Fuck you harder! I was TEACHING MIT Super Difficult Math For Humankind 9999 when I was a little squirt in my father's testicle!
TheHornyToothbrush ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:12:18 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I'm a freshman. But I do math at a third grade level so any.
MrCool94 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 22:31:40 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
So study
CloudLighting ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 18:00:11 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
If you get into applied mathematics you better be able to do simple alegebra in your head or you'll never finish an exam in time.
porphyro ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 16:48:57 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Dank banepost
[deleted] ยท -2 points ยท Posted at 14:08:01 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
My mistake. I've been doing in my heaf since fifth grade so I didn't consider that. I'm just so used to it though. Sorry.
TheHornyToothbrush ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 14:20:32 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
No problem at all. I'm just terrible at math, so I get butthurt about people who are good at it. Not because of jealousy but because they're often the ones who say things like "it's so easy", " if you just tried", "it's so simple" etc. I just comes off condescending and constantly puts me down. No harm done:)
[deleted] ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 14:24:18 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Didn't realize I was making you feel bad. But I feel exactly like that when people talk about how easy it is to make a game via programming.
TheHornyToothbrush ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 14:49:13 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Were not so different me and you.
[deleted] ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 16:11:54 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
If you say so, but technically it's:
TheHornyToothbrush ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:16:39 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I was quoting a movie I'd watched recently on TV. I know though. Thank you.
[deleted] ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 16:35:30 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Whoops. Did not know. I am so oblivious
TheHornyToothbrush ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:18:05 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
No. I didn't strike me that they said it incorrectly in the movie. My bad.
[deleted] ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 18:16:35 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
OK. But wait. You didn't strike you? Maybe you should try again you horny toothbrush you.
[deleted] ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 18:16:45 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
OK. But wait. You didn't strike you? Maybe you should try again you horny toothbrush you.
Rosetti ยท 8 points ยท Posted at 15:52:56 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Why does everyone get so upset about teachers asking students to show their work?
Unless you're literally getting 100% on every single test, you should show your work. It demonstrates your understanding, it helps your teacher help you if you are going wrong, and if you do go wrong at some step of the solution, you can still get marks for the parts you've done right.
I swear people who complain about having to show working are just trying to humble brag.
dupelize ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 19:49:28 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
A lot of people do get 100% of the answers correct and lose points for not showing work. This was true for a lot of my friends in HS up until calculus. Clearly we weren't smart of we would have just written the damn work on the page.
I am now on the other side of the fence and require my students to show their work (right? what a dick!). In the years between I realized how unimportant getting the right answer is if you can't convince somebody else it is correct or explain why it makes sense.
You can call it a humble brag if you want, but it doesn't seem like bragging to me when it is true for such a large group of people. A lot of people are good at math; a lot of people aren't. For some reason people see being good at math as the same as being smart. I'm good at math. I can't write a paper if my life depended on it (okay, I can write one, but it won't be good). It doesn't mean I'm smart or dumb, I just find math pretty easy.
Iceflame4 ยท 7 points ยท Posted at 14:03:47 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
/r/humblebrag
reddit_spelunker ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 17:14:45 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
upvoted for saying you are smart. recently got downvoted to hell for saying genocide is thrown around too much when israel is mentioned.. cool reddit
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:14:23 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Thanks man. I wouldn't downvote you for saying that, if it makes you feel better. In fact, upvoted for being honest and nice.
SmexyHippo ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:22:32 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
He didn't mean it as a compliment I think. He means "you get upvoted for saying how smart you are, and I get downvoted for my opinio and it's not fair",
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:29:15 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
My mistake. I just woke up and really aren't paying close attention. Still need to give my brain a little more time to completely power on.
Shimata ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:44:16 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Cool
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:13:43 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Nice
fade_like_a_sigh ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:02:49 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I know a few people who struggle to do algebra on paper.
Not everyone has the exact same level of maths proficiency, it's the one subject I hear people complaining is difficult more than anything else.
dev2488 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 21:40:58 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Come on...do math...
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 21:44:24 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I don't want to. I browse reddit to relax. Not to be reminded of the school work that I've done my entire life. I'm done with that part. Now if you'll excuse me, I need to go take care of someon----thing. I meant something.
dev2488 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:12:21 on November 16, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Surprised that you didn't get the Family Guy reference
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:32:29 on November 16, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Surprised that I don't watch family guy?
soulfuljuice ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:41:25 on November 16, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
You are now my calculator. Get in my backpack, I'm going back to school.
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:33:24 on November 16, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
NO! I shall do no such thing
Ravenblood21 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 12:58:24 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)*
Is there any other way to do algebra?I must have missed something... /s
[deleted] ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 13:35:17 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
There are 7 ways I know, but it depends on how you think
TheHornyToothbrush ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 13:59:48 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
You may not know this because you're obviously so much smarter than everyone else, but most people need to use a calculator or other instrument for advanced math.
Ravenblood21 ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 14:28:34 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I should probably have added an /s
TheHornyToothbrush ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 14:48:38 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Oh. My apologies.
CaesarTheFirst1 ยท -14 points ยท Posted at 06:46:53 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
x+15=3/53195810 solve for x, GO
Penis-Butt ยท 28 points ยท Posted at 08:10:11 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
x=3/53195810 - 15
Really, really easy.
CaesarTheFirst1 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:52:26 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Now for a less trivial exercise prove that the real part of the roots of the zeta function lie between 0 and 1/2
TheHornyToothbrush ยท -5 points ยท Posted at 13:57:19 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I'm terrible at math. So people that are good at it piss me off because they sit there on the high horse and say things like "it's so simple", "it's easy come on" etc and they think their better than me for it. Like for some reason being good at math makes you the shining pinnacle of human intelligence.
stickmalone ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 07:31:57 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
This one is easy... The answer is that it's obvious that your mother didn't give you enough attention....
TheHornyToothbrush ยท -1 points ยท Posted at 13:58:31 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
No. It's obvious that someone claimed that they could do mental algebra. He decided to see for himself. Nothing wrong with that.
[deleted] ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 07:17:06 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
x=โ797937147/53195810
basileusautocrator ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 14:47:50 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Oh! Untill this thread I had a wrong concept what you guys are doing on algebra. In my country we don't distinguish it that way. You finish HS just calling it math. What we call Algebra starts with vectors, matrices, rings etc.
I thought you were operating on matrices in your head. That'd be nice.
[deleted] ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 19:04:53 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Oh no. It was what we called Algebra 1. Simple quadratic equations. She just wasn't that bright.
dupelize ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 19:50:43 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I can operate on matrices in my head... as long as one of them is the identity and the other one isn't too big.
WildThingPrime ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 16:54:58 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)*
There was a scene almost exactly like this in Day After Tomorrow except it was for Calculus not Algebra.
Edit: Couldn't find a video of it but Imdb had the dialogue
Jack Hall: [on Sam failing calculus] I'm not angry. I'm disappointed.
Sam Hall: Do you wanna hear my side of it?
Jack Hall: Sam, how can there be two sides?
Sam Hall: Hey, look, I got every question right on the final and the only reason why Mr. Spengler failed me was because I didn't write out the solutions.
Jack Hall: Why not?
Sam Hall: I do them in my head.
Jack Hall: Did you tell him that?
Sam Hall: I did. He didn't believe me. He said if he couldn't do them in his head then I must be cheating.
Jack Hall: Well, that's ridiculous! How can he fail you for being smarter than he is?
Sam Hall: That's what I said.
Jack Hall: [smirks] You did? How'd he take it?
Sam Hall: He flunked me, remember?
[deleted] ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 06:08:32 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Well? Were you cheating?
[deleted] ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 19:08:03 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
No. I told her I'd prove it by having her make up a question and I'd do it on the blackboard right in front of her. I did and they moved me to the AP math class which I was pissed about because I wanted the easy A. I also got detention for being a smart ass.
I_Believe_in_Rocks ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 12:28:30 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
iI?! Has Apple finally released an avatar on the market?
[deleted] ยท 15 points ยท Posted at 08:01:42 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I hated when this happened. I had a teacher a long while back who make me redo an assignment because I completed it quickly in the allotted time in class. She accused me of doing it while she was teaching.
No, you're just slow. That's why you teach 7/8th graders - too old to be cute or nice, young enough to where you don't need to be smart to teach them.
dcrico20 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 16:32:00 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
"No YOU can't make fun of retarded people...I'm great at it."
Gufnork ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:27:06 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Why accuse you of cheating on a test you must have failed?
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:03:05 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I had 100%. It was basic algebra.
Gufnork ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 20:02:26 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
How can you get 100% if you don't show any of your work? That's like 2/3rds of the points. Either you grade the work or you don't require the students to show the work.
PsionicBurst ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:24:52 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
My math life in a shellnut.
Faugh ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 20:01:54 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Interesting. I remember doing algebra in my head in middle school but I fucking hated writing it down, so the teachers did that to me, too. I ended up hating math class because of it and never pursued it further, but in retrospect I was good.
Man, that sucks. I had repressed that memory.
pitaenigma ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 22:04:14 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The year I did my math finals the people writing the test fucked up and made it too hard. My math teacher came to us and said 'Some teachers have aaid that they couldn't solve it. Considering that about half of you have aced it I think it says more about them than the test.'
SarcasticSnow ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 06:11:03 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
That's awesome
TheHornyToothbrush ยท -1 points ยท Posted at 13:52:04 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I can't do algebra in my head. I hate people who are good at math.
ReadySteady_GO ยท -1 points ยท Posted at 17:16:24 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
This was me in school. How do you know this is right? You didn't show your work.
Um... I'm not retarded, just because you deal with math illiterates doesn't mean I should suffer through all the extra tedious work they require
jorstck ยท -1 points ยท Posted at 17:33:20 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Just last week, in my pre-calculus class, my teacher approached me and my friend, who hadn't even started the assignment that was given to us like 20 minutes before. I'm a sophomore in high school, in a mostly-senior class, but I'm still one of the smartest in the class, and she knows it. She looked at my blank page, smiled, then looked at me, and asked "Where's your work?" I look at her and say "Mrs. McFadden, its all about mental capacity. Its about how much can you do in your head." I look at a random question on the paper, and in 10 seconds, I tell her the answer. She was amazed. My classmates were amazed. I felt like a badass for being able to answer a math question in my head.
Ixolich ยท -2 points ยท Posted at 08:17:24 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I went through pre-calc 95% mentally. I wish I could've had a snappy comeback like that.
THE_IRISHMAN_35 ยท 306 points ยท Posted at 06:31:22 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
So this was my Grandpa. This was when i was 12 years old. My entire family went to Disneyland during Thanksgiving. On Thanksgiving day we went to a restaurant for dinner and the waitress came to take our order. My grandpa ordered first.
Grandpa: id like your turkey plate.
Waitress: O sorry we are out of that.
Grandpa: ok then ill take the meatloaf
Waitress: im sorry we are out of that too
Grandpa: fine ill have the bone in ribeye
Waitress: we are out of that too.
My grandpa got fed up and we all decided to go somewhere else to eat. As we were leaving the restaurant. My grandpa walked up to their specials chalk board erased it and wrote Out of Everything. Then left. I miss that man.
unduffytable ยท 28 points ยท Posted at 18:16:33 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Uggh, this is a pet peeve of mine. I'm indecisive as fuck when it comes to what to order, so I will have already spent a good portion of time considering what I want. When I finally decide what I want and then get told they don't have, I get upset. Because it's taken me so damn long to decide what I want, suddenly nothing but what I wanted looks good. Have left many places.
[deleted] ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 19:22:23 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Disneyland works like that, man.
elisabitch ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 04:41:29 on November 16, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
This sounds like a Cracker Barrel.
IsaacMTSU ยท 37 points ยท Posted at 06:33:41 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
When my little brother was just 4 years old, my dad and I were walking into a store holding his hands. It was really busy inside and when the doors opened and he saw everybody he said "MAN, look at all these fucking people!", our dad immediately said "Hey! You don't say that!". He just looked up and said "yeah I do, sometimes..."
CaesarS-a-lad ยท 72 points ยท Posted at 12:32:09 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Late to the party, but I was fairly satisfied with my response when my best friend and I both had a fight with our respective girlfriends.
My girlfriend said "You two are fucking idiots." to which I replied "Don't be so hard on yourself."
Greatest comeback of my career but unfortunately resulted in no sex for a couple of days... still worth it.
[deleted] ยท 866 points ยท Posted at 03:32:58 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Me: "That's what she said"
Legend: "Not to you!"
[deleted] ยท 196 points ยท Posted at 05:06:18 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Shots fired
cvef ยท 294 points ยท Posted at 05:18:42 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Plot twist: original statement was "that's the smallest thing I've ever seen in my life"
OP and Legend are bros
darth_stroyer ยท 146 points ยท Posted at 05:50:42 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
>Implying true bros wouldn't exchange phat bantzTM
[deleted] ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 08:31:22 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
bants of an utter leg
ThaneOfTas ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 10:12:12 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
They wouldn't if a top lass was prez
doubledongbot ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:55:33 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Woah nelly lad.
CyberneticPanda ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:30:17 on November 16, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Implying true bros are familiar with each other's junk.
Whywouldanyonedothat ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 11:19:49 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Also would make OP quite an imbecile
Akihirohowlett ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:44:53 on November 16, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Plot twist: No woman has ever said it because no woman has ever seen it
flamedarkfire ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 10:27:40 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Absolute ledge.
kekalekkadingdong ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 05:46:46 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Relevant username
[deleted] ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 08:23:15 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Lol. 'tis from a book...
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 07:45:11 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
"When she dumped you"
creepymusic ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 10:31:39 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I actually said this as a response for a while. I'm a legend, thanks.
engeldestodes ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 12:05:45 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
"How could she with her mouth full?"
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 07:08:10 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
My personal favorite is "doubt it!"
[deleted] ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 08:21:08 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Haha!
unbn ยท -1 points ยท Posted at 06:46:37 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
ZOMG ULTRA DESTWOYED. LE MASTER TROLE HERE EVERYONE!!
powelly ยท 488 points ยท Posted at 09:19:19 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Old employer drove a porche and had a disability, he parked in a disabled bay, put his badge on the dashboard and was getting out when an old guy started shouting at him "oi what's your disability"
My boss replied "tourettes you cunt now fuck off"
KingGoddeth ยท 61 points ยท Posted at 17:30:34 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Similar story, I've had many a surgery and have a handicap sticker as well from it. Parked in a handicap stop and an older gent comes up and rudely remarks, thinking that I was faking/didn't need the handicap sticker, "Need some help getting out your wheelchair?" (Mind you, I'm walking okay and don't have a wheelchair" Without missing a beat I turn around and respond "No, but keep it up and you might need one."
The look on his face was priceless.
[deleted] ยท 15 points ยท Posted at 17:18:47 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Because people with money can't have disabilities and people with disabilities can't have money. What the fuck is wrong with people?
MjrJWPowell ยท 9 points ยท Posted at 21:59:37 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Didn't you know? People with disabilities are different, and normal people are the only ones who have nice things. /s
[deleted] ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 04:37:07 on November 16, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Friend of a friend got a nice settlement from a botched surgery that had him in the hospital waiting on death's door for months. He survived, got a sweet Cadillac and is a really awesome person. He's also way too young to own a car that nice or be disabled.
We pull up to a restaurant and he parks in a handicapped spot, hangs his permit and gets out. Naturally, someone gives him the stink-eye. Without a word, he lifts his shirt - revealing about a dozen long, pronounced scars across his chest and abdomen. I've never seen someone change their attitude so fast.
Waxgains ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 16:06:56 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
That must have been one big parking space.
xixoxixa ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 03:52:32 on November 16, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I've got disabled parking tags for a back injury, but I only use it when I'm having a shit day pain wise. I always feel like a tool, because I don't look disabled. If someone ever makes a comment, I'm stealing your bosses response.
schloopers ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 08:47:45 on November 16, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I knew of a veteran who got his lower leg blown off (by a motor hitting it. How on earth he survived, he doesn't know).
Young guy, prosthetic leg, still worked out at army level, definitely didn't appear disabled, but he'd use the badge if it would only take a minute or of there was hardly anyone in the lot and plenty of other spots reserved.
Well a cop stormed up to him as he got out of his car and just went off on him for using fake badges and taking the spots from the elderly just because he was lazy and he had no right an-
Leg plops on the hood of the car
...stunned silence as the cop takes it in and comprehends how this "kid" just detached his leg
He didn't get a ticket that day.
[deleted] ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 17:28:42 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Reminds me of this
bluecat13 ยท -1 points ยท Posted at 20:03:42 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Love Florida men.
dimethylTRAPtamine ยท -30 points ยท Posted at 15:52:05 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Almost nobody with Tourette's just curses, and especially not in a coherent part of their sentences.
RefreshNinja ยท 46 points ยท Posted at 16:12:18 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Follow that thought a bit further and you realize that the guy was being a smartass?
dimethylTRAPtamine ยท -12 points ยท Posted at 21:06:39 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Well he might as well say "I have schizophrenia you fucking cunt!" Both diseases are about equally likely to cause you to say that. As in very little.
SavvySillybug ยท 10 points ยท Posted at 21:41:53 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I think you might not belong here.
RefreshNinja ยท 10 points ยท Posted at 21:57:36 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Let's try this again:
He was obviously using the popular conception of what Tourette's is, not a proper clinical one, to create a humorous effect.
scoopeded ยท 10 points ยท Posted at 16:25:38 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
There is a type of tourettes that makes you blurt out obscenities though, its called copperlalia im 99% sure i misspelled that.
[deleted] ยท 11 points ยท Posted at 16:36:33 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
FUCK!
kjata ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 23:44:24 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Coprolalia, literally poo-speech.
Blubbey ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 17:21:13 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
For a thread about smartass comments you're really letting the side down.
anotherpoweruser ยท 738 points ยท Posted at 03:46:38 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I hope the rest of your day is as pleasant as you are.
sandolle ยท 240 points ยท Posted at 05:55:33 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I like this because it makes the person reflect on their actions.
SuccumbedToReddit ยท 32 points ยท Posted at 11:07:45 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
No it doesn't. It makes the person think "okay, nerd".
Nok-O-Lok ยท 20 points ยท Posted at 11:56:39 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
okay, nerd
aedansblade36 ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 14:21:02 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
This can easily be a compliment as well, depending on the context.
[deleted] ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 17:39:19 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I like this because it leaves them with no proper way to complain to your manager about your comment. If they do, they're openly admitting that they were acting like an asshole.
Ronan3463 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 00:32:39 on November 16, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
It can be a compliment and an insult. I will remember this.
[deleted] ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 04:39:05 on November 16, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
this is the first comment that made me laugh out loud.
[deleted] ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 15:12:27 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
And you can use it as a compliment to people who are genuinely nice too
mrmustard12 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:38:16 on November 16, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
/s
notalexturner ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 12:28:11 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
It's only for the English speaker thou.
Azurae1 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:47:14 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Ich hoffe dein Tag ist genauso angenehm wie du.
notalexturner ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:28:47 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
To make it clear, I can't use this in the from of my mother language, because it would make a weird form of sentence. Unless there's another guy who could translate it better because I'm using google translate to type this reply.
g0atmeal ยท 19 points ยท Posted at 06:37:40 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Works for saints and asshats alike!
crlast86 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 08:16:50 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Probably my favorite from my retail days.
unchainedzulu33 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 10:20:28 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Legendary !
Herbstrabe ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 10:36:39 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Totally gonna use this with a really nice co student.
Distractiion ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:03:34 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
In Puerto Rico we say something similar when one is about to eat, "que te caiga como te caigo yo" which says something along the lines of "may your food digest as well as you like me"
We_Are_The_Waiting ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:21:07 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
In just go around having a good day to spite them.
Arcane_Unicorns ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 20:31:40 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Work in a restaurant whenever customers are being difficult or leave she says have the day you deserve.
PM_ME_YOUR_RHINO ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 13:51:45 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Used this is on an especially rude customer as he was walking out the door.
Petty, but satisfying.
[deleted] ยท -1 points ยท Posted at 14:23:20 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
That can be used as an insult and a compliment. You don't have to change anything.
SlaughterDog ยท 355 points ยท Posted at 09:06:20 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
A guy held the door for a middle-aged woman (with way too much makeup on her face), who said "don't you assume I can't get the door myself just because I'm a woman!" The guy replied "Oh, I didn't hold it because you're a woman; I held it because you're old!"
Chaoticblue3 ยท 65 points ยท Posted at 16:52:35 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Why would someone be pissed that the door was held open for them? That's usually seen as a nice gesture.
[deleted] ยท 17 points ยท Posted at 17:27:31 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
In a case like above, the woman sees the gesture as an offensive reinforcement of gender roles because the guy 'has' to hold the door open for the woman, presumably.
AngryItalian ยท 29 points ยท Posted at 17:59:59 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I hold the door for everyone, personally.
[deleted] ยท 8 points ยท Posted at 18:02:57 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Well I mean I do too, but it's not uncommon on Reddit to hear stories of people taking a guy holding a door open for a woman like that. I say on Reddit because I've personally never run in to it, but I also don't doubt it's happened so eh.
tyrico ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 18:25:05 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Anyone who gets mad about this is dumb. It's just common courtesy to hold the door regardless of gender.
_Aurora_ ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 00:22:24 on November 16, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I usually hold the door open for everyone.
If anyone has a problem with that, I let it slam on them.
alwaysrelephant ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 21:49:13 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I've been trapped holding the door for ages, until some wonderful bastard let's me through. Canadian problems.
AngryItalian ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 21:51:35 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
It's the worst when you're getting to a restaurant and you get caught holding the door as like 6 wedding parties are all leaving at once.
SavvySillybug ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 21:45:28 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I honestly think I would close the door and hold it shut if someone complained to me about holding it open.
I'm a nice guy generally, but what the heck? If you're going to be that much of a butt, please don't follow me through doors.
cavus-manus ยท -1 points ยท Posted at 20:18:09 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Feman angry
[deleted] ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 20:46:41 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Even cunts can live to old age.
JD_Cassidy ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 20:57:10 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
That's generally because the women they're attached to do.
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 22:31:26 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I'm not sure what you mean. Could you please rephrase?
JD_Cassidy ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 17:33:00 on November 16, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
It was a joke, I was taking the word 'cunt' as a reference to female genitalia and following it along to it's logical conclusion.
[deleted] ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 23:35:41 on November 16, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Ooooooooooooooooooooooh
aedansblade36 ยท 10 points ยท Posted at 14:32:40 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I would've thought it was because she wouldn't be able to see very well with all that clown makeup caked on her face.
[deleted] ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 17:17:11 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I've never had anyone complain about me holding the door for them, but I'd love for it to happen so I can just let the door close in their face and walk away without dignifying their stupidity with a reply.
dartanianbartholomew ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 16:33:01 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
No.
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:26:15 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
No?
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:47:29 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Yes!
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:57:14 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Yes??
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:24:22 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
[deleted]
SlaughterDog ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 06:20:52 on November 16, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Same here! The alternative to being old is dying young. But some people refuse to let it happen gracefully, and we've got a societal sigma on it.
Jawbreaker93 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:09:52 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Savage.
tresanus ยท 64 points ยท Posted at 09:54:26 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Two guys arguing during a large conference meeting.
Guy 1 "You're making me look stupid"
Guy 2 "We'll, you're making it easy"
NiceHatTommy ยท 212 points ยท Posted at 05:55:04 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Working on a MASSIVE commercial site for the largest Grocery chain in Australia. Very serious OH&S and we've all been told to ace the job so we get more work from these guys.
The site foreman made a half-joke and said that the job would be done a lot faster if the Air-Con guys (us) pulled their fingers out.
My apprentice, without skipping a beat "out of your missus or daughter?"
the entire situation and authority of the guy he said it to combined with his apprentice status just made it fucking fantastic!
IGrammarGood ยท 12 points ยท Posted at 16:47:45 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
for how much longer was he your apprentice?
NiceHatTommy ยท 12 points ยท Posted at 18:51:41 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)*
The bloke he said it to was KIIIND'VE ok with it, the apprentice was already in a bit of trouble that week so I didn't see much gain in robbing him in. He's still with us _^
TheCaptainMorgan87 ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 17:15:12 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Until the drop bears attacked!
NiceHatTommy ยท -2 points ยท Posted at 02:13:37 on November 16, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I love your username! Sailor Jerries for #1 though!!
AlwaysClassyNvrGassy ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 17:08:42 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
What did he really mean? I'm not familiar with the term "pull their fingers out"
ectish ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 17:11:36 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I've heard, "pull your thumb out of your ass!"
So maybe that
NiceHatTommy ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 18:50:35 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Pull your finger out means to stop messing around.
You've made me think about it and I have no idea why it means this...
It's short for "pull your finger out your ass"
Oke_oku ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:05:35 on November 16, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Well, how fast can you work with both your thumbs up your butt?
Inferno_Chemist ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 19:15:46 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
"Massive" Thats not what I heard from your ex.
NiceHatTommy ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 19:39:51 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
You're a crumb my man.
Inferno_Chemist ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 19:46:05 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Thats my job. It doesn't pay enough.
Oke_oku ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 05:03:59 on November 16, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
IGA or Coles?
NiceHatTommy ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 08:42:09 on November 16, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Woolies.
Oke_oku ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 10:31:45 on November 16, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Ok
sar2121 ยท 442 points ยท Posted at 04:48:45 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I was trying to help a friend a while back, and he said I was useless. Without thinking, I said "just like your daddy's condom." He still is a little butt hurt from that.
flamedarkfire ยท 214 points ยท Posted at 10:31:54 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
His dad could have saved us all some trouble if he'd made his wife butthurt.
TheIranianAtheist ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 09:19:48 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
OP asked for best, not half-decent. Just like your daddy's condom.
marknumber1995 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 11:24:39 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Don't know why a working condom would stop it from hurting.
Heznarrt ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 09:41:17 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Just like his mom.
FuckingQWOPguy ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 09:53:24 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
But not his mom!
PresidentWeevil ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 14:14:16 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Ohh so it was an unlubed condom
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 10:27:13 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
similarly, i pulled this off a few months ago
http://i.imgur.com/VoNWYr4.jpg
FBAHobo ยท 503 points ยท Posted at 09:27:53 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Cop: Are you trying to be a smartass?
Me: No, officer. It's effortless.
MenialTasked ยท 37 points ยท Posted at 15:30:56 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
*Begins shrieking as tazer is applied to giblets*
ErickHatesYou ยท 12 points ยท Posted at 15:58:52 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Worth it.
paseo1997 ยท 15 points ยท Posted at 15:22:14 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Am I being detained!?
King_Sharpie ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 16:26:19 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Yes! Right after we beat the crap out of you for resisting arrest!
[deleted] ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 20:07:42 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I never understand why people try to make police officers lives difficult with BS like "am I being detained" and smart-assery. They're doing their jobs, unless they're trying to arrest you for something completely unreasonable then there is no reason to be purposefully rude or unhelpful.
BabyBlueSedan88 ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 00:01:30 on November 16, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Cops are part of a branch of government, and that means they work for us. They have a responsibility and duty to protect and benefit our lives. I'm just living my life doing nothing wrong and any interaction with them is immediately hostile on their end and am treated like a threat. Knowing and exercising your rights wanting to go on about your day without being treated like a criminal is not being a smart ass.
Also, I think it's just human nature to not want to interact with an armed person who can arrest, assault, or even murder you and can most likely get away with it.
I hate the "just doing their job" excuse. A butcher is just doing his job, but I bet a chicken isn't okay with having its head chopped off.
Sir_Bones_Well ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 00:05:26 on November 16, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Every time I had a run in with a cop I acted respectful and they always treated me with respect.
CyberneticPanda ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 01:28:20 on November 16, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
It's because you have certain rights when you're not being detained, like being able to leave, but you have other rights when you are being detained. For example, if you are being detained and the cops call for a drug dog and it takes hours to get there, the search will be kicked because they took longer to get the dog there than it would have taken to give you a ticket. If you're not being detained but choose to hang around, your rights weren't infringed upon and the search is legal. I'm not a lawyer and I'm sure there are better examples. Also, if you're not being detained, you can leave. If you are, you can't. I don't belligerently yell "am I being detained???" at cops, but I do politely say "I mean no disrespect, sir, but I don't want to answer any questions. Am I free to go?" and I have yet to have a cop be a dick about it, although they always seem to try to get you to answer a random innocuous question as a parting shot.
UTubeCommentRefugee ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:31:44 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I'd like to know the backstory for this.
Nosrac88 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 22:59:58 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
gets handcuffed
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:30:10 on November 16, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Does it hurt to be that much of a savage?
Talnic ยท 173 points ยท Posted at 16:02:26 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Start of Star Wars episode 2 midnight release, "A long time ago in a galaxy far, far away." Displays on the screen. Smart ass yells out, "SHIT, I've seen this one!" The theater erupted in laughter for the opening sequence.
Kazzack ยท 14 points ยท Posted at 21:05:07 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I'm stealing this in a month
SimonCallahan ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 21:30:52 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I did something similar when I saw the Death Note movie. There's a scene toward the end where Misa is being chased by the stalker, and the stalker says something like, "I want to send you to be with your mother and father". I said, out loud, "That's not how you flirt with girls". It got a good laugh.
S4VY ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 07:24:03 on November 16, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
By "erupted in laughter" do you mean "got one response that sounded vaguely like a chuckle?" Because that's what my money's on.
Based_Lord_Shaxx ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 10:02:15 on November 18, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Did something similar. At the end of the hobbit midnight screening I said "Goddamn Disney took starwars into a weird direction" it was pretty well received.
greedcrow ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 23:54:24 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Im an idiot cause i dont get it but i bet its something simple. Anyone care to explain?
SeaBearMirage ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 00:24:59 on November 16, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
All Star Wars movies start with that line.
Hurley_boy24 ยท 54 points ยท Posted at 15:18:25 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Yesterday I was flying up to New York and one of the flight attendants was talking to a little boy and this is how it went... Flight attendant: "Wow!! You're four years old? Are you in school??" Little boy: "No, I'm in an airplane."
Usotaku013666 ยท 7 points ยท Posted at 02:35:31 on November 16, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Well he wasn't wrong
[deleted] ยท 58 points ยท Posted at 15:35:37 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
[deleted]
TheJerseyDevil123 ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 19:21:25 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I probably would have said something like tomorrow but that is definitely a way better response
amitharamaty ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 21:19:52 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
or Shabbat. Shabbes if you want that yiddish tone.
[deleted] ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 01:56:16 on November 16, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
That IS quite clever!
[deleted] ยท 29 points ยท Posted at 07:26:21 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
[deleted]
BombasticSnoozer ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 16:06:50 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I was wondering when Rick and Morty would pop up.
Amazon_Princess ยท 258 points ยท Posted at 05:18:01 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
About a month before my mom had surgery, I planned a trip to her favorite Chinese restaurant to eat at one last time. Me, My husband, my brothers, my sister-in-law, my cousin, my aunt, and my parents all showed up. My aunt had never been there, and she got there first along with my cousin. As my aunt's looking at the menu, my brothers and SIL walk in and sit down and she asks them what's in almond chicken. They all respond, at the same time, "Chicken with almonds" and then bust out laughing. About 10 minutes later, my husband and I show up and she asks me the same question. "Chicken with almonds" is my response, without even thinking, and my brothers and SIL burst out laughing. They explain why and my husband and I start laughing. 5 or so minutes later, my parents walk in and sit down. She turns to them, asks what's in almond chicken. "Chicken with almonds" comes out of my dad's mouth and the whole table loses it. Without any warning from anyone, 3 different groups of people gave the same smart-ass response to my poor aunt. That was about 4 years ago, and I still text her "chicken with almonds" whenever I remember to.
aarchaput ยท 27 points ยท Posted at 08:07:53 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I was visiting my uncle and family. They had made a nice dinner. We started eating, and my uncle realizes something, "We forgot to say grace!" At once, my aunt, uncle, and I all said, "Grace!"
dimethylTRAPtamine ยท 14 points ยท Posted at 16:24:44 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
One last time? Was your mom getting put down?
ofcourseimanxious ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 16:59:41 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Lol. You fast before surgery because the drugs make you vomit and you can aspirate the puke when you're under, it can kill or leave you brain damaged.
Hill_Reps_For_Jesus ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 13:51:53 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
...why did she keep asking the same question?
dankmernes ยท 8 points ยท Posted at 16:05:53 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
She probably thought the laughter meant there was something else in it.
Papercurtain ยท 7 points ยท Posted at 15:53:45 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The first time because she actually wanted the answer, and the next few times to see if the rest of her family would give the same answer.
Amazon_Princess ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 01:23:40 on November 16, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
She kept asking because she wanted to know if it was good or not, but we all gave the same smart-ass answer. Because we're all dicks.
flamedarkfire ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 10:35:17 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The apple doesn't fall far from the tree.
jonnielaw ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 17:00:29 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Someone asked a waiter at my restaurant to describe a side dish: "fries with herbs." He just blinked for a few seconds and then said "see, we take these French fries and we toss them with some herbs..."
You_Had_To_Be_There ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 12:31:54 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Hah
shadyultima ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:48:15 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
So, you and your brothers get your humor from your dad?
SwedishBoatlover ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:57:02 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
So, i can't help wondering; what's in almond chicken?
Amazon_Princess ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 01:25:21 on November 16, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Chicken with almonds
kelbycheese ยท 180 points ยท Posted at 04:58:13 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
My boyfriends dad was pretty wasted and making a joke about his "toolshed" while rubbing his belly and grabbing his junk. "you have to have a good toolshed to protect your tools!" his wife chimes in saying "yeah but you'll never know how rusty they really are" magic.
Doulich ยท -2 points ยท Posted at 15:06:55 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
yeah, tools get pretty rusted when you get them wet.
StewieBanana ยท 2525 points ยท Posted at 03:45:56 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Can we toot our own horns on this one? There was a post on pics a while ago of a bunch of creep shots and someone commented "posts like this make me very uncomfortable..." and I wrote "You're telling me, I'm wearing tight pants!"
Needless to say, it was heavily downvoted.
Tired_of_cell_lurker ยท 479 points ยท Posted at 04:27:25 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Have an upvote now
Nyan_Cat_Chick ยท 342 points ยท Posted at 05:42:59 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Some people on Reddit, need to learn Reddits sense of humor
shmameron ยท 682 points ยท Posted at 05:49:06 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
And other people on reddit, need to learn how to use commas.
jmcghie ยท 191 points ยท Posted at 05:52:03 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
And apostrophes, for that matter.
waffles350 ยท 108 points ยท Posted at 06:12:18 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
And semicolons; in addition to all that.
odie4evr ยท 14 points ยท Posted at 07:41:44 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
At "least" quotations were used correctly.
[deleted] ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 10:39:57 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
[deleted]
CanuckPanda ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 13:05:17 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)*
Comparison's sake:
I rode my bike, and I went to the store.
I rode my bike; I went to the store.
There's your difference in using a comma or a semicolon. It connects thoughts in the same way a comma does, but allows you to skip the conjunctive ('and').
/u/waffles350 used it incorrectly, he should have used a comma as there was no conjunctive to connect, facilitating the semicolon.
EDIT: now, if he had said:
"And semicolons, in addition to all that MORECONNECTEDSTATEMENTHERE",
he could have removed the "in addition to all that", and just had:
"And semicolons; MORECONNECTEDSTATEMENTHERE."
waffles350 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:55:33 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Actually it can be used in place of either a comma or a period. That's why it's a period stacked on top of a comma. In fact there is a movement to entirely eliminate both and replace them with the semicolon. I'm for it, of you ask me.
waffles350 ยท -1 points ยท Posted at 10:44:29 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Oh no it is;
MrGary004 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 10:42:02 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Do;,,,you'lo;,'ve;'me,';;;now'mom?
I_r_redditmans ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 14:25:36 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
But that's not correct use of a semicolon, both parts should be independent clauses
waffles350 ยท -1 points ยท Posted at 15:48:40 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)*
That's why some people on Reddit need to learn to use them. Clearly I'm one of those people. That was the joke, anyway. Edit: I see what you did there. You failed to use a semicolon where it was needed. Have an internet point. ;)
doublearon99 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:42:46 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Dont forgot, abou-t hyfens. Theyre importent two.
kroka4loka ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:50:06 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
We should, just have a gram'mar lesson; I think that sound's, fun. Dont you?
waffles350 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 21:58:08 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
That hurt my brain to read, congratulations.
hoswald ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:40:04 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
And stop starting sentences with and.
dev2488 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 21:39:35 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
And colons :)
Georgia_Ball ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:21:16 on November 16, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Hyphens are great-- especially to add emphasis to a sentence
MattTWSC ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 22:54:16 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Jesus Christ! A semicolon in the wild! Take my up vote!
Durbee ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 11:50:38 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
And to spell "awhile" properly.
kilamumster ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 14:53:27 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
How to use "awhile" and "a while' properly.
She asked him to sit for a while, and he sat awhile.
pixiegod ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 15:16:03 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
And ellipses...for dramatic effect.
TinyFoxFairyGirl ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 15:54:27 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
In order for a semicolon to be used correctly, there must be a subject, a verb, and an object on both sides; like this sentence has.
waffles350 ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 15:59:45 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I've heard it both ways. I'm pretty sure that's optional.
TheShinySilverSpork ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 15:06:36 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Apostrophe's*
MrCool94 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 22:29:54 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
No ....
MYQ_SC ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 09:37:34 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
its gods comma
B-Knight ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 13:03:30 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I've seen people use apostrophes in place of commas. Like;
1'972'765
Just, why?
sudowned ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 14:23:09 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I'm going to get that little shit who keeps using interrobangs one of these days.
realrobo ยท -1 points ยท Posted at 14:52:42 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
They also need to learn that you cannot start a sentence with "and".
Kendo16 ยท 10 points ยท Posted at 06:13:45 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
So...he fucked up some commas?
[deleted] ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 08:12:30 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
[deleted]
Kendo16 ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 08:48:00 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Lol. Na,it was a joke on the Future song Fuck up some commas.
mr_blonde101 ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 06:30:57 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
It's just, they're all, you know, like Christopher Walken.
januhhh ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 08:09:33 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
You, mean all, of them.
keep_calm_and ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:36:35 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Jesus !!! Get over it
Nyan_Cat_Chick ยท -1 points ยท Posted at 08:31:17 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Shut up its 3am
Lola_got_a_Lazerface ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 13:22:14 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
us kooky redditors :P XD
MewtwoStruckBack ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:46:18 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
They should have some sitewide thing on here that pretends to celebrate Shit Reddit Says, then after a day or two shadowban everyone who posted in support. Boom, problem solved.
Nyan_Cat_Chick ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 00:04:26 on November 16, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
That's actually a pretty good idea
PoisonousPlatypus ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:49:39 on November 16, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
And some people on reddit need to learn that "reddit" is spelled with a lowercase "r."
Nyan_Cat_Chick ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 12:44:41 on November 16, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Does it really matter? Also auto correct changes it to a capital
PoisonousPlatypus ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:41:39 on November 16, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Only when you're already in a habit of typing it that way, and yes, it was in an official post.
Ninjalord5 ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 16:17:38 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Yeah, I got heavily downvoted for making a joke about the guy who tackled the suicide bomber. I guess it was in bad taste, but come on. This is reddit.
Bazuka125 ยท 15 points ยท Posted at 10:14:20 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
https://www.reddit.com/r/pics/comments/174zzi/accidents_nsfw/c82bh7h?context=3
เฒ _เฒ
Gamerhead ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 16:20:38 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
It was heavily downvoted, but also heavily upvoted
hulkman ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 17:58:07 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I wish I was dedicated to anything as much as you were to finding OPs comment.
uselessbrowser ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 07:10:56 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I don't get it
I_need_proof ยท 13 points ยท Posted at 09:36:47 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I dont know if anyone has replied (I'm on mobile) But OP is saying since he's wearing tight pants it's making him uncomfortable due to his boner.
uselessbrowser ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:47:55 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Ah thanks
ZooRevolution ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 22:09:57 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
How is that a good smartass comment? You see this joke all the time on this website.
unbn ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 06:42:18 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
And cross referenced to SRS and Two X chromosomes
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 11:20:53 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Did your pants get tight before or after seeing the post? ( อกยฐ อส อกยฐ)
rattus_p_rattus ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 14:59:56 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
That's clever!! I like it!
Nurum ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:56:28 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
If were talking favorite witty post there was an article on fark a few years ago about a pharmacists who shot a black kid who tried to rob him. The kids name was Antwun.
The first comment was "two in the chest Antwun in the head"
I still chuckle at that one.
thumpas ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:58:36 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
So long as we are self-tooting, I'm quite proud of this comment of mine.
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 09:11:19 on November 16, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
An upvote for tooting your own horns..
ryuujinusa ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 14:55:46 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Link
uglyorgans ยท -2 points ยท Posted at 06:35:36 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
If it was needless to say, why did you say it?
Spartancoolcody ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 06:45:27 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Needless to say, it's an expression.
gmnitsua ยท 26 points ยท Posted at 15:59:35 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Boss was cutting a length of copper pipe 8 inches long. He says, "can't you eyeball 8 inches? I can cut it without measuring. I see 8 inches all the time!"
Coworker chimes in, "He must be a really nice guy!"
Thundercolt23 ยท 657 points ยท Posted at 04:45:03 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The wise words of my grandpa. My little cousin was having a fit at Thanksgiving one year. My grandpa came in and asked her what was wrong and she proceeded to shout, "I'M PISSED OFF"(First time she'd ever said anything like that.) My grandpa without missing a beat goes, "Well, it's better to be pissed off than pissed on." I still use it to this day. Thanks Grandpa.
[deleted] ยท 114 points ยท Posted at 07:01:45 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Unless you're into that kind of thing.
[deleted] ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 10:47:19 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
[deleted]
christian-mann ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 16:37:04 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Vintage.
ShamelessFox ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 11:08:53 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
A DAY? That is a lot of urine. Don't sell yourself so short. :/
vbaeri ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 15:50:43 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Whoosh
Shimmy85 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 23:22:33 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Haters gonna hate, lovers gonna love, I don't even know, none of the above...
RedFoxX151 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 00:10:26 on November 16, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
That's my fetish !
man_of_shakti710 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:47:19 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Anybody wanna go threesies on a wet job?
Pun-Master-General ยท 53 points ยท Posted at 06:34:09 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Just be careful with the "than." I've seen people misquote it with a "then" where "than" should be, which is an entirely different sentiment.
gamma286 ยท 186 points ยท Posted at 07:16:28 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Are you a preemptive grammar nazi?
Joshburns97 ยท 10 points ยท Posted at 09:29:46 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
This is pre-Grammarnacht
[deleted] ยท 12 points ยท Posted at 08:30:19 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
you are witnessing a grammar hall putsch
the_ouskull ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 13:58:13 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
If the rest of the world, especially the online world, took pride in their work, it would eliminate the need for a grammar Final Solution.
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 14:20:43 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
He has seen the future!
SlurpieJuggs ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 10:48:50 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I'd rather be pissed off then pissed on
a_cowards_pride ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 07:55:50 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Dude, the only grandpas who aren't using that line are the dead ones
amsid900 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 07:16:09 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
When you said having a fit, I thought you meant a seizure. The story sounded rather dark for a moment
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 07:57:18 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
This man could defuse the Cuban missile crisis.
saladballads ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 10:04:50 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
My grandpa has told me this my entire life. Always helps when I'm pissed off, my boyfriend says I don't stay mad long. Thanks to my grandpa I don't waste time being angry. That man and his redneck sayings have taught me a lot about life.
L00fah ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:35:01 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Mom?
nicoletheinsomniac ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:15:37 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
MY SISTER SAYS THIS ALL THE FUCKING TIME ๐
Groveybear ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:30:38 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I read this quote in middle school when reading through a list of Confucius quotes, and I still use it to this day. It never fails.
WhyDoILiveInIllinois ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:49:32 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
My Spanish teacher in high school used to always say that..
Oke_oku ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:07:34 on November 16, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Repost in /r/moutainwisdom
slowshot ยท 191 points ยท Posted at 06:00:54 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I pulled up to a regular pizza customer's house, knocked on the door. Rather than the usual Dad, Mom comes to the door, reaches to the table to get the cash. It was gone. She tells me. "Just a sec!" She turns toward the inside of the house and yells at her teen-aged sons, "If that pizza money isn't out here in 30 seconds, I'm gonna kick both of you in the nuts so hard you are going have to pee like girls for a month." The younger one came running like a like an Olympic relay runner with the money out front.
jellyfilledmeatballs ยท 867 points ยท Posted at 04:57:43 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Exgf's dad making fun of my skinny legs: "are those your legs or are you riding a chicken?" Me: "I do have a big cock between my legs."
Poggystyle ยท 177 points ยท Posted at 06:33:26 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Who's cock?
Sookye ยท 78 points ยท Posted at 12:11:16 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
This is one of the times when the difference between "whose" and "who's" (="who is") is important.
[deleted] ยท 29 points ยท Posted at 16:13:53 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
No, no.
You don't understand.
Who is cock?
[deleted] ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 17:33:37 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
quiet kid at the back of the classroom raises his hand
"me!"
[deleted] ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 18:49:41 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Who is cock?
we must stop this man now
[deleted] ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 03:11:45 on November 16, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
JOHN CENA
PM_ME_YOUR_NIPPLE ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:43:42 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
No, no You don't understand cock is the one in the hole
[deleted] ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 17:25:08 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
THEN WHO WAS PHONE?
cjh93 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 05:41:02 on November 16, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Then who was phone?
s_am ยท 35 points ยท Posted at 14:52:50 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Yeah! Who is cock?
Josh_Rios ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 18:08:15 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
THAT QUESTION WILL BE ANSWERED THIS SUNDAY NIGHT
ZeMeepo23 ยท 19 points ยท Posted at 10:05:11 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
um...
john cena?
NecroJoe ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 17:20:08 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Nope, Chuck Testa!
yllennodmij ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:44:55 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
๐บ๐บ๐บ๐บ
deconnexion ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 14:23:27 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
But really though, who is cock?
Filixx ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 09:52:19 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
eRekt
from_dust ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 14:28:25 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The girlfriends
thedeadcamel ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 15:40:38 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
*Whose
BVTheEpic ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 17:08:26 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
THAT QUESTION WILL BE ANSWERED THIS SUNDAY NIGHT
shinytoge ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 08:23:46 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
He named his cock?
StoneFacedBuddha ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:56:30 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
ROOSTER CENA!!! No? I'm just gonna walk home now. I tried.
MattTWSC ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 23:02:27 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Straight barbarism!
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:47:59 on November 16, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
๐๐๐
-MPG13- ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 15:06:18 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Donald Truman's wife's.
[deleted] ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 20:47:35 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
No, this is Patrick!
Tired_of_cell_lurker ยท 235 points ยท Posted at 06:34:56 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Alpha as fuck
exyccc ยท 13 points ยท Posted at 10:05:27 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Can't be alpha with noodle legs
Skutter_ ยท 7 points ยท Posted at 11:05:16 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
..and your daughter's
SarcasticSnow ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 06:16:56 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
That's glorious
[deleted] ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 09:25:30 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Even better: your daughter tells me I have a big cock between my legs.
Haiirokuma ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 14:23:35 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
"I'll be riding your daughter tonight, smartass"
[deleted] ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 15:34:50 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
How are you not dead?
Randomd0g ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 15:07:06 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
It's literally impossible for a girlfriend's dad to banter, no matter what you can have the stock reply of "your daughter puts my penis in her mouth"
DidYaReadItEh ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 12:37:20 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Ooh.. Cocky.
dartanianbartholomew ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:35:18 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
No.
medalleaf- ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:10:04 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Did he beat you or did his daughter ;-)
cholula_is_good ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:51:29 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
It's actually your daughter who sits on a cock.
Throwaway123666123 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 20:09:46 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
"Well I can assure you somebody is, but it's not me. "
Slimy_Shart_Socket ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 07:59:15 on November 16, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Another one "I'm not on your daughter right now..."
PanchDog ยท -1 points ยท Posted at 14:23:12 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
That's hilarious. What else never happened that day? Any more cool stories?
Charizarlslie ยท 323 points ยท Posted at 04:25:58 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
My very quiet, conservative grandma just recently had a heart attack while on a morning walk around her neighborhood.
She felt dizzy and fainted on the side of the road in someone's yard. The middle aged woman who's yard she fell into ran out and woke her up asking "Should I call an ambulance??"
And my grandma managed a sassy "Honey... What the hell do you think?"
imperceptible_tauon ยท 30 points ยท Posted at 12:18:28 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I can't wait to get old and be able to pull stuff like that off.
Hill_Reps_For_Jesus ยท 19 points ยท Posted at 13:43:15 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
you mean having a go-to excuse for taking a nap in a stranger's yard?
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 09:12:43 on November 16, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Better take a nap than take a shit in a stranger's yard..
yommi1999 ยท 10 points ยท Posted at 15:12:02 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
This kills the granny
Xansis99 ยท 7 points ยท Posted at 15:11:59 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
How's your grandma?
Charizarlslie ยท 15 points ยท Posted at 15:23:46 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
She's okay now. Couple days in the hospital and she got enough rest to get back home.
216horrorworks ยท 703 points ยท Posted at 03:51:30 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
To anyone who butts in and tells you how to do your/my job: "do I walk into where you work & slap the dick out of your mouth?"
Killer_Tomato ยท 394 points ยท Posted at 05:20:31 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
"No?"
So why you gotta slap the dicks out of mine?
Cognus911 ยท 29 points ยท Posted at 08:03:46 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Rt office tour vid?
HimTiser ยท 17 points ยท Posted at 10:25:52 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
You and me, we are done professionally.
Freddiegristwood ยท 14 points ยท Posted at 10:33:38 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
"Ah, look at me, pew pew, fuck you"
010skillz010 ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 08:06:18 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
"Because that's my job not yours."
SpaceFace5000 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 19:49:41 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
"Why Jon? Why you gotta slap dicks outta my mouth? I got them all placed in there organized by color and size and you just stroll by and slap em outta my mouth. Fuck you Jon"
white_rabbit0 ยท 28 points ยท Posted at 07:12:05 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
"Do I go to where you work and slap the dicks out of your mouth Brandon? Specifically his dick out of his mouth."
crazymonkey752 ยท 42 points ยท Posted at 06:40:24 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Or the simple but effective... Shut your cock holster!
fernia ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 07:42:07 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I love Pam!
ktmrider119z ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 08:54:03 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Friend of mine had a good one, "if I wanted your mouth open, my dick would be in it."
ShutYurDickHolster ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:50:52 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
What?
alittlebitfancy ยท 67 points ยท Posted at 05:45:57 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
A fellow Jimmy Carr fan, I see.
williambueti ยท 83 points ยท Posted at 08:09:05 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)*
Hahahahahaaaa
[edit] thank you to everyone who has filled my inbox with "sekshual predatahs".
booksblanketsandtea ยท 25 points ยท Posted at 09:56:16 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I can hear it.
BreakfastBurrito ยท 7 points ยท Posted at 13:52:46 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
OH GOD IT'S CONTAGIOUS I CAN TOO
creep_with_mustache ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 17:26:10 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
He lafs like a sekshual predatah!
Cant_see_Efi ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 14:59:53 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
He really does laugh like a sexual predatah.
JamEngulfer221 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:38:01 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I hate his laugh so much.
216horrorworks ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 13:29:50 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Um..... Who?
alittlebitfancy ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 13:33:40 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Haha he's a very popular British stand up comedian who occasionally uses that line as a response to hecklers. Obviously it gets used elsewhere in the world.
Soliduok ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 14:28:24 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Don't know if he was the first, but Chris Rock did it before Jimmy Carr.
aarchaput ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 07:36:43 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
It's been around longer than him.
harryhartounian ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:32:04 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
That joke is so old it could vote. It didn't start with Carr and definitely won't end there.
PanchDog ยท -1 points ยท Posted at 14:21:36 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Right. Because that joke isn't older than Jimmy Carr himself.
Zillcaytr ยท 9 points ยท Posted at 08:50:18 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
BRANDON?
ItsaMe_Rapio ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 07:19:07 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Relevant Mr. Show
busboi ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 05:53:41 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Bingo... I was waiting to see this one. I was a line cook for several years of college and this was one of my favorites. Also..."I can't understand what you're saying. Take the dicks out of your mouth when your talking to me"
_ParadigmShift ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 06:34:27 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Like a little kid on xbox live trying to talk shit.
UpTheIron ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 07:35:20 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I prefer Rodney kerringtons response to some hecklers. "Hey, i don't come to your job, throw rocks at you while you're mowing."
Karl_Marx_ ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 08:02:55 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
"You retard, we are co-workers."
Dances_With_Labias ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 09:47:31 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
What if they work at the same place you do?
pinkysfarm69 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 10:24:42 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
My favorite is "I don't go into your work and slap the corn dog out of your hand"
aedansblade36 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 14:20:15 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Good luck telling that to a coworker.
habitofliving ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:35:47 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I like I don't go into your work and stop people from milking you
Nurum ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:58:38 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I was at the Renaissance festival about 10 years ago and the guy you throw tomatoes at pulled this one out for a heckler.
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:40:39 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Also heard it as "I'm not gonna go throw rocks at you while your out there mowing!"
Roman_Statuesque ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:46:18 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
This was mentioned in a thread a few days ago.
TheBanger ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 20:06:58 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
That's the slogan for grandma betsy's biscuit powder!
fugaziozbourne ยท 173 points ยท Posted at 03:25:55 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Remember: every smart ass has a wise crack.
[deleted] ยท -4 points ยท Posted at 16:14:53 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
and every ass has a crack.
Anconia80 ยท 45 points ยท Posted at 15:02:55 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Buddy of mine had his first kid, family is at the hospital for support. Buddy says, "if nothing else, I can at least prove I'm not a virgin anymore." His dad pipes up, "nope, you can only prove your wife isn't a virgin."
TheSuburbanRedneck ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 16:44:43 on November 16, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
savage
HooksaN ยท 316 points ยท Posted at 11:02:29 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)*
Doing a group exercise at Uni and there were 5 in the group: 2 (very good-looking) girls, me, a really nice but quiet, fairly beta guy... ...and a very alpha wannabe guy who was very passive aggressive and desperate to show off to the girls.
Well Mr Loudmouth was taking over everything and trying to tell everyone what to do. ...and every time me or the other guy suggested anything or put forward any ideas he would interrupt with stuff like: "c'mon, don't try and take over, we're all working together"
He was getting in the way, interrupting etc and causing a lot of looks and eye rolls among the group. Noone could be bothered to say too much to him coz he would overreact and cause more disruption... so everyone just worked around him.
Until he finally talked over quiet guy (who was making an important suggestion) with "c'mon now man. There is no 'I' team"
To which the quiet guy, without missing a beat just snapped and responded
"no, but there is a U in CUNT"
Bluesfire ยท 51 points ยท Posted at 11:18:53 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
That is beautiful.
Remued ยท 9 points ยท Posted at 14:38:32 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
There's no I in team, but there's an M and an E
arkhamcreedsolid ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 18:07:39 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
You never mess with a quiet guy.
HooksaN ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 22:37:48 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Not twice, anyway
[deleted] ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 22:09:08 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Did he at least shut up after that?
HooksaN ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 22:21:35 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)*
Yes. He struggled for a comeback, had nothing... and then tried to 'high Road' it by telling him 'not to use that language in front of the girls'. They laughed.
Thameus ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 15:10:07 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
There is a little i in TEAM: in the A hole.
PhycopathRabbit ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 04:08:05 on November 16, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
It's always the quiet ones lol
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 09:14:59 on November 16, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Oooh...right in the feels..
[deleted] ยท -56 points ยท Posted at 14:29:21 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
[deleted]
spuddeh ยท 36 points ยท Posted at 16:38:36 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Nope. In this case OP is the object of the sentence, so he would say me.
[deleted] ยท 12 points ยท Posted at 17:25:10 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Ouch. I felt that through my monitor.
FPSWizzy ยท 146 points ยท Posted at 05:55:32 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Guy #1: "You look gay in your new profile pic"
Guy #2: "That's not what your mom said"
Guy #1: "But she was thinkin it, mate"
[deleted] ยท 8 points ยท Posted at 13:33:53 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
This sounds like something from the Inbetweeners.
fastshift ยท 112 points ยท Posted at 09:44:30 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
This mom came into a coffee shop with her son and her puppy in her arms. However, the owner had allergies so he's had a sign put up "no dogs allowed, thank you." This girl who was working there tried to ask her to leave. "Ma'am, you can't have dogs in here." The woman went, pointing at her puppy, "this is my son. You cant kick my son out," while raising her voice. So the owner comes and requests her to leave. The woman angrily responded saying how the puppy was her son. And her actual human son went along saying how the puppy was his brother. After a moment of thinking, the owner said the following: "I'm sorry ma'am. I didnt realize he (the puppy) was your son. In that case, all you bitches can leave now. Thank you." Her face went bright red claiming she was going to sue him or whatever, while everyone in the shop was cracking up.
Edit: spelling
Oke_oku ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 05:17:46 on November 16, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I know this is the internet, and no one will believe me but our dog is the favorite child in my family.
OfficeChairHero ยท 244 points ยท Posted at 06:25:55 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The funniest, most smart-ass thing my husband has ever done was completely non-verbal.
Me: Will you turn out the light?
Him: (Clap Clap)
Me: (laughing) We don't have a clapper. You'll have to turn out the light the old fashioned way.
Him: (purses lips and starts blowing toward the lamp)
Me: I fucking love you.
Patatopotato ยท 13 points ยท Posted at 12:29:58 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Awww
palordrolap ยท 7 points ยท Posted at 13:39:27 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Shower thought: Why is it called a clapper when it's not the one doing the clapping?
jondarmstr ยท 7 points ยท Posted at 16:13:15 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
So... The clapped?
sunnyspiders ยท 9 points ยท Posted at 16:32:18 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
My girlfriend leaves lights on all the time. We've gotten to a point that if she leaves one on I just clap and hear "argh" from her side of the bed and she gets up and turns off the bathroom light.
SavvySillybug ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 21:56:43 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Glorious.
sunnyspiders ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 23:16:56 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
She's my clapper.
[deleted] ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 16:59:47 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I want to shake your husbands hand, he's hilarious.
MrDub72off ยท 590 points ยท Posted at 02:35:01 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Mid 80's, I was blasting Metallica and my mom had enough. She comes in making fun of my music saying its saying "Devil devil devil! Kill kill kill! I looked at her and said "mom, how did you know the lyrics" 10 year old me was quite impressed. Dad is sitting on the couch, mom is screaming and fighting, he doesn't say a word. She finally comes in and yells "You lazy bastard, you haven't even lifted a finger". My dad looks at her smiles, and flipped her off.
Fadman_Loki ยท 56 points ยท Posted at 05:23:25 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
That was a wild ride.
Sample_Name ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 09:05:21 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I want to get off Mr.Bone's Wild Ride
[deleted] ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 10:42:12 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Sick reference bro. Everybody knows you have sick references
blazingintensity ยท 340 points ยท Posted at 05:49:17 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I grew up in a super conservative christian family. As my taste in music grew some christian metal made it onto my play list. Some elderly folks from our church were visiting our new home after a move. I was the only one home and was unpacking the living room with my metal blaring. She asked me how I could listen to, "that garbage" and I informed her that it was a song about a guy being healed from cancer by an angel. The confusion, embarrassment, and later shame as she realized her borderline blasphemy more than make up for some of the terrible terrible christian rock I listened to in my youth.
derptyherp ยท 29 points ยท Posted at 14:01:12 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Hahaha, oh man, I worked in a very huge church that has satellite locations all over. They had a restaurant, voted one of the very best in the city, and at one point one of the Christian kids left his Christian rap music on by accident. (We had been sorting sandwiches for homeless the night before, after closing.) About a dozen people asked what kind of DEVIL MUSIC was this and how the church could support a thing!? in just the few minutes it took for management to correct it back to "conventional" Christian music. Unlike your elderly folk, they didn't feel at all bad when learning it was a Christian singer. Such is life, dude.
S3LLouT ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 09:56:26 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
What band and song?
12GAUGE_BUKKAKE ยท 42 points ยท Posted at 10:54:19 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Darudica-Enter sandstorm
S3LLouT ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:32:59 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
For sure
[deleted] ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 17:18:56 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
[deleted]
blazingintensity ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 01:14:20 on November 16, 2015 ยท (Permalink)*
Yep Edit: Actually it was Triumph of Mercy
SoulLessGinger992 ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 13:52:33 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
This sounds like a sad childhood.
atombomb1945 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 23:36:05 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I remember blasting Petra in the parking lot of my Christian High School and my parents getting a call about my "Satanic Music."
blazingintensity ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:15:07 on November 16, 2015 ยท (Permalink)*
Yeah, my mom got me into Carmen and Petra, and was totally fine with Mortification too.
Blackby4 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:12:01 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Demon hunter?
gamedemon24 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:39:11 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Hey, Red is freaking awesome.
gaypat ยท -1 points ยท Posted at 16:44:51 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Then did she put on some Black Dahlia Murder and show you what real metal is?
[deleted] ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 21:33:03 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
you JUST got into metal, huh....
dalegribbledeadbug ยท 244 points ยท Posted at 05:30:19 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
That dad's name?
Albert Einstein.
theathleticjew ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 14:14:04 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
And then he handed his son a 100$ bill
tdcjr52 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:18:39 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
He's wicked smaht
gamedemon24 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:40:00 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Albert Einstein's name? Meta A.F.
[deleted] ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 16:44:36 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
*Albit
Pickled_Gorilla ยท -5 points ยท Posted at 06:11:54 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
He's wicked smaht
SlurpinOnADerp ยท -5 points ยท Posted at 06:48:32 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Alfreb Einsteib
[deleted] ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 07:46:56 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
"Is that your IQ or the number of friends you have?" Overheard from a giant fat guy in response to being flipped off during a dispute over a parking space in Boston. Still makes me laugh.
E103Beta1 ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 06:09:50 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Your second story has officially obliterated my sides with the mental image.
Thank you so much.
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:22:16 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)*
[deleted]
MrDub72off ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 17:59:54 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Yes back in 89
BeardyHouse ยท -11 points ยท Posted at 05:37:27 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
r/thatHappened
Alvraen ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 05:43:21 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Gtfo here
Wadovski ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 10:49:33 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
It's askreddit. No one gives a shit if the story is true or not as long as it's entertaining.
BeardyHouse ยท -3 points ยท Posted at 10:53:04 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
You're right, I forgot this was a circle jerking bullshit sub. Apologies.
[deleted] ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 15:24:32 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
You must not come here often then
Themrchester ยท -2 points ยท Posted at 11:06:43 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Totally happened.
BangGonePostal ยท 20 points ยท Posted at 14:57:05 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I am one of the coaches for my son's football team. They are all 8-9 years old. Boys are all talking about if they are going to play next year. One boy says "I'm not playing next year" My son bursts out "I was waiting for you to start playing this year."
PBR303 ยท 203 points ยท Posted at 04:17:46 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I'd agree with you, but then we'd both be wrong.
[deleted] ยท 8 points ยท Posted at 06:09:56 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Great, now I can use this when my brother and I get in an argument.
481x462 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 15:16:17 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
You have the right to be wrong.
Ferfrendongles ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 13:49:10 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
"I'd love to agree with you, but you know, two wrongs don't make a right".
gurrastocken ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 14:29:50 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Wow
bigwillyb123 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:14:04 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Look, I want to agree with you, I really do, alright? But one of us needs to be correct, and it's not you.
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:55:03 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I hope I remember this when I get in a argument next time...
cLarifyyy ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:07:50 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I'd usually add " and two wrongs don't make a right. "
mundanenoodle ยท 210 points ยท Posted at 05:45:32 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
When I was a kid, the family was watching tv one evening. My brother, being a smart ass, farted and said "there's a kiss for ya dad!". My dad without missing a beat said "you need to go brush your teeth!" I laughed for a good long time on that one!
originalgangster27 ยท 12 points ยท Posted at 11:57:56 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I don't get it... :(
[deleted] ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 14:07:43 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
When you give someone a kiss, you can smell their breath. So, by telling him to go brush his teeth, he is essentially saying that his farts were smelly.
originalgangster27 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 08:59:10 on November 16, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I don't find it funny though...
Follow_Up_Question ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 14:10:25 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The dad is saying his son's breath/mouth smells like ass.
batrand ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 12:54:00 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
me too...
KingPillow ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 14:03:42 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Same
dankmernes ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:03:10 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Blow a kiss/fart is bad breath
Aethyos ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 07:35:12 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
That one caught me by surprise. I laughed. XD
fourpointsix ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 09:13:09 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Everything above this I, at most, chuckled at. This made me double-over laughing with that "I'm going to bust some veins if I don't stop" feeling. I don't know why.
jamimashouse ยท 19 points ยท Posted at 15:18:42 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)*
This is a story my dad told me about his psychology class in college. In this classroom, one could look out the window and see a tree that was in the middle of a roundabout like division in the road. Basically a big patch of grass and a tree dividing a focal area of road that people had to drive around.
Prof: Jim, I want you to convince me that tree over there exists.
Dad: Well, I can see it, I can touch it, I could taste it if I wanted to....
Prof: That's not good enough, I'm not convinced that it exists. What else?
Dad: Well, we are talking about it so we are aware of it, if I knocked on it I could hear it...
Prof: That's good, but I'm still not convinced. I don't believe that the tree really exists. What else?
Dad: Look, when I drive home today, I'm going to drive down that road, and drive around that tree and go home. You can drive down that road and continue going straight. Then you can tell your insurance agent that the damage to your car doesn't really exist...
Class lost their shit. Prof steamed silently, knew he'd been had.
TL;DR: My dad was the shit.
IveSeenTheSaucers ยท 48 points ยท Posted at 13:54:07 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
A guy at work (I'll call him John) was dating a co-worker. She turned out to be a bitch, they broke up, and she got engaged to some other guy. When this info broke, someone asked, "who's the lucky guy?". Another co-worker replied, "John".
Arimarismacon ยท 244 points ยท Posted at 04:49:35 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
A man with long hair when told "only pussies have long hair" snapped back, "you are what you eat"
throatslits ยท 49 points ยท Posted at 05:10:08 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
He should have added "so that makes you a dick."
ThatMakesMyNipsHard ยท 47 points ยท Posted at 05:38:04 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
No, it should be "you must eat a lot of dick then".
Ferfrendongles ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 13:47:14 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
No, it should have been, "Nah man, I said you're a pussy, not a dick".
ThatMakesMyNipsHard ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:57:45 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Sorry but that doesn't make sense.
jondarmstr ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:11:25 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
He switched characters there and added a comeback for the taunter
ThatMakesMyNipsHard ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 16:20:41 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Yes but it doesn't make sense either way, so...
jondarmstr ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:53:00 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The long haired dude said "you are what you eat". If the taunter says "no I said you're a pussy, not a dick", he's implying that the long haired guy eats dicks.
ThatMakesMyNipsHard ยท -3 points ยท Posted at 18:09:31 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
It doesn't work because you called him a pussy too. It's basically saying, "you're a pussy and you eat pussy but you also eat dick". Which doesn't really make sense.
Hill_Reps_For_Jesus ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 13:50:02 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
it depends on whether the insult you're trying to imply is 'you suck dick' or 'you are a dick'
ThatMakesMyNipsHard ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:59:29 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Both. That's the joke.. "So that makes you a dick" implies you eat dicks and are a dick(because you are what you eat)
[deleted] ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 00:15:15 on November 16, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
[deleted]
ThatMakesMyNipsHard ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 00:16:19 on November 16, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
What??
Taleya ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 06:19:11 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
"Explains why you're an arsehole"
Animyr ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 11:20:51 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
"Explains why you're a glob of semen."
Taleya ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 11:25:33 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Enter rick santorum
Cruzzfish1 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:01:12 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I've used "I'm sorry I called you a pussy then, dickhead." in the past.
Taipan100 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 16:43:22 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
"So when did you eat a massive fat guy?"
BDKoolwhip ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 12:32:52 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I use this often
professor_rumbleroar ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:40:30 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
"You are what you eat, dick," would've been even better.
jaamfan ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:21:02 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Poosi DE-Stroyer
machinegunmax ยท -1 points ยท Posted at 18:39:51 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Maybe I'm being thick but surely this isn't a very good comeback. Am I understanding correctly that he's saying he is a pussy because he eats pussy?
a) It doesn't necessarily imply the other guy eats dick, just that he doesn't eat pussy and
b) He is still admitting to being a pussy
mdogm ยท 239 points ยท Posted at 01:59:52 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
In response to "don't be a smartass". I usually say "would you rather me be a dumbass?"
DrBillios ยท 217 points ยท Posted at 04:12:31 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)*
My dad used to use this one: Dad: "Got brains in your butt?" Me: "What? No." Dad: "Dumbass." Later... Dad: "Got brains in your butt?" Me: "Sure." Dad: "Smartass."
LoneWolf67510 ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 07:04:47 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I need to remember this.
Meh_Turkey_Sandwich ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 08:10:24 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Daaaaaad!
Hill_Reps_For_Jesus ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 13:53:45 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
but if you had a brain in your butt it would be a considerably above-average ass in terms of intelligence
TehTriceratopses ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 14:56:11 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Alternately, he could have responded with "Get your head out of your ass."
CyberneticPanda ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 01:42:22 on November 16, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
You have neurons (brain cells) going from your esophagus to your anus, about as many as there are in a rat's brain. It's sometimes called the "second brain." So yes, we all have brains in our butts.
TheBunnyButler ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:43:11 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
said this to m mom. she sent the cat to eat my nose
PeanutButter-n-Jaaam ยท 101 points ยท Posted at 03:43:10 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Said "rather be a smartass than a dumbass" to my foster parent when I was twelve. Got smacked.
ms_congeniality ยท 132 points ยท Posted at 05:43:47 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Then you had a sore ass.
47buttplug ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 09:45:59 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
;)
DeaconFrostedFlakes ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 21:24:56 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Too bad his parents were such hardasses.
PhycopathRabbit ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 04:12:42 on November 16, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
That's what happens after midnight
crabsintrees ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 06:39:23 on November 16, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Not from that.
kjata ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 23:46:01 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Well, I guess that made your ass smart.
SmartAlec105 ยท 65 points ยท Posted at 04:14:35 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
My mom once told my sister(little girl at the time) to stop being fresh. My sister said "should I be rotten?"
mdogm ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 04:55:10 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
What the heck is "stop being freash?" Sounds like your sister made the only appropriate response.
SmartAlec105 ยท 18 points ยท Posted at 05:26:15 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
"Fresh" is an old slang term for smartass.
ananori ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:15:32 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
How does that even work, like, how do you add negative connotation to the word fresh. Everything is better when fresh
zeno0771 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 15:33:18 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
That particular usage comes from the same time period when "gay" meant "happy". Source: My 89-year-old grandparents.
PM_ME_FOR_SMALLTALK ยท 9 points ยท Posted at 05:14:47 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Maybe his sister was a vegetable?
xquiserx ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 07:32:47 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Or maybe from the 90s
bloodymucous ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 07:05:05 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
If I were any fresher I'd be downright insulting
rackpuppy ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 08:33:13 on November 16, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
That would be a good joke for a subway commercial I think. Said by a guy in one of their hats while he (way too happily) chops vegetables and puts them out behind the glass. Or maybe while he's assembling someones sandwich. The customer would be a perky blonde soccer mom of course. Possibly with two kids (a boy in baseball gear or jeans and a white long sleeve shirt under a black tee, and a girl in a either a black leotard with legwarmers and a colorful scrunchie or a white and yellow sundress with black patent shoes). The mom would need to laugh way too hard, too. Maybe the is black.
bloodymucous ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:49:59 on November 18, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
You've got this down pat!
Cody6781 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 07:23:40 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
"Well at least pick one."
randomzinger ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 09:00:41 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I say this all the time to people. Sad how many don't get it.
mattwuzhear ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 11:24:54 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I'd rather be a smartass than a dumb cunt
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:43:34 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
My response is usually "OK, you stop being a dumbass first." :D
[deleted] ยท 1540 points ยท Posted at 02:34:58 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
[deleted]
thebigbradwolf ยท 182 points ยท Posted at 03:13:10 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
That's a common one, but it found its way into Monzy's Pimping Lemma. I'm most impressed with this lyric though:
I said "honey, have you got dynamic loading support?
'Cause I think I have a package for you to import."
She's like, "Mmm yeah, but is your package extensible?"
[deleted] ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 16:00:29 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Seems like I could really root this guy's kit, if you know what I mean.
curiousGambler ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 17:40:06 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I was like "what sort of musician even knows what the pumping lemma is?!"
Read the lyrics... Oh, that kind of musician. Was hoping he was some perfectly normal rapper with a secret comp sci hobby.
my_name_is_X ยท 9 points ยท Posted at 15:33:26 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Reminds me of the 4chan post asking if you'd drink Channing Tatums sperm for $100k. The best response was something like, "pssssh, like I have $100k".
KevinPower81 ยท 86 points ยท Posted at 06:04:34 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
as a straight male, I'd blow my boy Brady
mrdouglasfresh ยท 122 points ยท Posted at 06:18:43 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
He'd probably let you.
[deleted] ยท 253 points ยท Posted at 06:27:09 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
[deleted]
mrdouglasfresh ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 06:32:20 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Seems so, Detective.
natos20 ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 12:55:13 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
You're very late.
HasFuckedYourMom ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 06:35:55 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
FTFY
redrose037 ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 11:30:31 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
/u/bradyh8
bradyh8 ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 11:31:32 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Sup, Kevin
medalleaf- ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 14:03:31 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Tf
gamedemon24 ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 19:31:50 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I wouldn't get involved with Brady. Something tells me he'd cheat
[deleted] ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 11:58:47 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I'm sorry the Saints are doodoo this year :( However Bree's did kick ass that Giants game!
pretentiously ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:30:02 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Haha he actually flew up to go to the Saints game today.
Meh_Turkey_Sandwich ยท 17 points ยท Posted at 08:00:45 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I was at a party once. A girl was going on about how her boyfriend wasn't smart and that girls were more intelligent. She goes "You know the smartest thing a woman ever said was?" My friend cut her off and said "A man once told me." She was not amused.
Doughy123 ยท 10 points ยท Posted at 12:07:00 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I still don't get it, how is that a witty thing to say to your GF.
a-krule-king ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:16:03 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
OP's friend isn't her bf, she was chatting shit about her bf (another guy), OP's friend stepped in
Doughy123 ยท -1 points ยท Posted at 17:34:07 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
yeah, maybe they just meant a friend that is a boy.
Screwydrivers ยท -4 points ยท Posted at 14:10:54 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
sssshhhhh le justice boner consumes you
[deleted] ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 13:57:45 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I've had similar discussions with my girlfriend about my main man Breesus Christ. He's a babe
BroughtToYouByH ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 16:08:57 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I'm the boyfriend in question.
I love Brees and the Saints. Far too much.
rikjames90 ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 19:04:41 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
your boyfriend is the definition of a " fuck boy."
pretentiously ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 21:33:12 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
please elaborate what your definition of a fuck boy is.
inb4 "your boyfriend"
HasFuckedYourMom ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 06:37:59 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
What did your mom say?
[deleted] ยท -8 points ยท Posted at 08:03:27 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
[deleted]
noitarenoxe ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 08:55:16 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Totally hahahahahaha
SuperCrusader ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 13:31:55 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Can confirm,been there,done that.
Robberbaronaron ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 06:25:12 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Your boyfriend is awesome.
BroughtToYouByH ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 16:09:40 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Boyfriend here. Love this shit because it cuts out all the dumb, unfunny shit I say...which is probably 80% of the time.
pretentiously ยท 9 points ยท Posted at 08:00:37 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
He really is amazing, I am the luckiest girl. I'm so grateful to have him in my life. I never thought I would get to feel like this. /end gushing
[deleted] ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 15:54:24 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Lol the downvotes because the feels of not having a significant other
bogidyboy ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:21:44 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
You sound like a very blowjob-oriented couple.
In_Yo_Mouf ยท 46 points ยท Posted at 10:19:24 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
"I'd tell you to go fuck yourself but I'd fear it would be the best pussy you'll ever have"
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:40:33 on November 16, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
You could get the best pussy ever if you'd only go fuck yourself.
Cb_850 ยท 48 points ยท Posted at 14:43:54 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
An 8 year old kid I babysit was adopted from Russia when he was about a year old. His family is really open about it and it's pretty cool. Well, one time his mom had him at a play date with some little girl and her mom. Everyone there knows he's adopted EXCEPT the little girl. So, she was being a snot (as little girls are), and said something along the lines of "well you're an alien! Your parents bought you!" Boy stops dead in his tracks, looks at his mom and yells "IM ADOPTED?!?" Mom follows along with the trolling and responds with "I'm so sorry sweetie, we didn't want you to know. Yes, we bought you. You are an alien to this place." Boy pretends to be distraught, little girl feels terrible, little girl's mom is horrified at this level of sarcasm and trolling.
jennythegreat ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 16:13:12 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I love this so much.
SavvySillybug ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 21:52:08 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I had to read this three times to understand what was going on. I'm not entirely certain why.
But now that I got it, that's glorious.
CatAndTonic ยท 237 points ยท Posted at 04:30:43 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I have atrocious handwriting. My (bad-tempered) teacher looked over at my assignment once and said "Your handwriting's getting worse" and I said "Your personality's getting worse!" She didn't know what to say. Everyone laughed.
Another time at school. We had this awesome, funny teacher, a handsome guy who would say outrageous things. He would jokingly flirt with an English teacher, a grumpy, fat woman. He joked to her in front of us that he had spent Saturday morning with her. She primly said "Saturday morning, I was in church." And with a roguish grin, he said "Yeah, and let's just say you had a lot to confess about!"
[deleted] ยท 38 points ยท Posted at 14:33:35 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Yeah, that's sexual harassment
janzboi ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 22:44:55 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Nah, it's ok as he is handsome.
machinegunmax ยท -6 points ยท Posted at 18:46:51 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
boo fucking hoo
logicalthinker1 ยท 10 points ยท Posted at 16:05:38 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
yeah... that's not being a smartass, that's just being a dick to your teacher.
Thameus ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 15:08:18 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Confession in a synagogue? Oi vey.
dermernerk21 ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 05:41:31 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
that sounds like something my teacher would do
Dynosmite ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 10:58:08 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
r/thathappened
Nebih ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 13:34:27 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Savage
ReadWriteRachel ยท 48 points ยท Posted at 04:32:40 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I was in a small group discussion and this guy was speaking really quietly. Another guy (who, ironically, is quiet himself) said, in the middle of whatever whisper-spiel the first guy was on, "Can you speak louder than not at all?"
Apollo541 ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 22:42:12 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Fucking rekt m8
HaroldSax ยท 157 points ยท Posted at 04:35:10 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)*
My nephew (5 years old) was being rather ornrey on day, and wouldn't come inside to eat. His father comes up to him after he got his tantrum out and said "You going to come in and eat dinner now?" to which this little guy responded "I don't know, are we going to have good food tonight?"
[deleted] ยท 52 points ยท Posted at 10:10:47 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)*
[deleted]
MackLuster77 ยท 11 points ยท Posted at 15:04:35 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Less so when spelled correctly.
PopcornInMyTeeth ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 14:42:04 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
My mind switch it with irie.
randomzinger ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 08:56:36 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
No--Mother's cooking.
ananori ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:12:42 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
You know, at that age I kind of assumed if food was shit, everyone else was aware it was shit too. How could they not see that fried liver with onions is disgusting?
I also had thoughts like this when someone's dad was really ugly and started wondering how their parents aren't divorced yet.
dimethylTRAPtamine ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:25:21 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
*ornery
HaroldSax ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:28:40 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Thanks, that's one of those words I've never actually written down.
HornyWhiskers ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 09:22:37 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
What a fucking savage.
Vitorfg ยท 502 points ยท Posted at 02:39:22 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I saw this video a while back of this really really douche guy,like he was a grade a douche and he said shit like "women make lines for guys like me" which i don't think was true cuz he looked skinny and weird. But anyway,this bitter fat girl in the crowd gets up and start screaming at him and she says "well yeah i would be at the end of that line!" And he says "well if you hit the treadmill a little more you would be at the front" lmfao
Jergen ยท 99 points ยท Posted at 05:08:04 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
For the record, thats an act the guy put on for a while. Faux name is Dick Masterson, and the link is here.
Z4KJ0N3S ยท 28 points ยท Posted at 09:43:47 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Holy shit her comeback is so bad.
sassysassafrassass ยท 20 points ยท Posted at 09:40:04 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
People take this shit seriously? It looks straight out of south park or something.
ACreatureVoidOfForm ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 10:16:36 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Haven't seen that in a while. Still funny.
Vitorfg ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 13:47:14 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Damn he is a master troll. Respect
BDKoolwhip ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 12:25:17 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I have one of his books, hilarious
pigeonwiggle ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:35:14 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
he still puts it on actually for a podcast called THE BIGGEST PROBLEM IN THE UNIVERSE alongside cohost Maddox
http://thebiggestproblemintheuniverse.com/
armfly ยท 97 points ยท Posted at 03:04:35 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Absolutely brutal
Mage_of_Shadows ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 05:56:17 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
savage af
aarchaput ยท 11 points ยท Posted at 07:52:20 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
So she would still line up?
[deleted] ยท 25 points ยท Posted at 05:54:04 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
That was the male chauvinist, Dick Masterson, on Dr Phil. MASTER TROLL.
Soggy2009 ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 16:40:40 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
His real name is Dax Herrera he is a comedian and it's all an act!
LatviaSecretPolice ยท 17 points ยท Posted at 04:18:04 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
It was on Dr. Phil.
Link: https://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_detailpage&v=T0xoKiH8JJM#t=150
Where I first saw it: https://www.reddit.com/r/cringe/comments/23wo5h/sexist_man_on_drphil_humiliates_audience_member/
ImpoverishedYorick ยท 10 points ยท Posted at 05:04:37 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Oh shit, it's that guy. Wasn't it totally an act that he invented just to be popular?
MachineFknHead ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 08:04:56 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
He's a comedian irl. Sacha Baron Cohen has Ali G and Borat, this guy has Dick Masterson.
Hill_Reps_For_Jesus ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 13:55:10 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
that's a really harsh way to describe acting
Picklerage ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 08:01:20 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Wow, I have to admit, he totally shit that woman down. I mean, she was just speechless.
ThatZBear ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 05:28:16 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Hes a troll.
Yaponk ยท 13 points ยท Posted at 03:30:07 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Have you still got the link? That sounds hilarious
LatviaSecretPolice ยท 39 points ยท Posted at 04:19:48 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Link: https://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_detailpage&v=T0xoKiH8JJM#t=150
ProfPepitoz ยท 70 points ยท Posted at 04:59:29 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I...I didn't...uh hear you
DeonCode ยท 31 points ยท Posted at 06:00:24 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
No, but really. It wasn't that bad of a burn. It had more to do with how she became speechless that soured the moment in his favor.
sons_of_mothers ยท 25 points ยท Posted at 06:38:28 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
"Hitler was raised by a single mom"
That's probably the funniest and stupidest attack on women I've ever heard
shmameron ยท 9 points ยท Posted at 05:52:58 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Absolute madman
theonionyonion ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 06:49:47 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
its kinda weird cause nowhere in this video does he go through a door.
slipthroughthenight ยท 15 points ยท Posted at 04:58:35 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Savage.
booofedoof ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 06:50:55 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
She's not even fat though.
47buttplug ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 09:40:14 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
She is overweight though.
booofedoof ยท -1 points ยท Posted at 09:49:37 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
It literally only shows her shoulders up. Does she have fat shoulders or something?
47buttplug ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 10:27:50 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Shoulders, neck and face are very telling. Especially the upper arms. Arms never lie.
booofedoof ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 11:03:16 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I'm not seeing it, honestly.
47buttplug ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 11:10:59 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
74% of the U.S. is overweight. That might be why you don't see it. I'm from the U.S...
booofedoof ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 11:39:29 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Actually, it's 69%
But either way, she doesn't look overweight to me, and you can barely tell since you can only see from her shoulders up.
47buttplug ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 20:04:15 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Oh sorry. It's 74 percent of men that are overweight
Gurip ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 12:13:01 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
thats not fat? what you consider fat then? 120kg obese?
booofedoof ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:34:09 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
You only see from her shoulders up..
Gurip ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:39:47 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
you can see almost half of her, face is fat, so is hands and so is belly and neck
booofedoof ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:47:26 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Yeah, I don't see it.
WarAndRuin ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 14:16:58 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Shh on reddit every chubby person is obese, and we hate them for it!
slimey_frog ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 03:53:49 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
OP plz, we need this
kuaal ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 04:04:00 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
It's a jerry springer or opera thug life video, meanwhile. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PkicQreMVX0
Yaponk ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:50:54 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I found the link. https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=S_B8-dg4xV8
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 04:19:03 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
op
slimey_frog ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 07:37:02 on November 16, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
im very, very new to reddit, and dont see the significance of it being lower case.
Vitorfg ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 13:50:37 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Guys here on reddit told me his name was Dick Masterson and it happened on Dr. Phil. I'm on Android and don't know how to link stuff,sorry
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 09:16:02 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Should have e said that they make the line to keep him out.
DeJay323 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 09:25:55 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Don't you dare talk poorly about Dick Masterson.
sadkjas ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:52:20 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
When you're a bit older, you'll realise that women do in fact line up for guys like him.
Vitorfg ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:38:46 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Found it! Found the friendzoned here guys!
sadkjas ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:40:13 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I am happily in a long-term relationship, actually :)
It's basic human nature, though, that dominant personality traits are attractive in a male.
Vitorfg ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:42:56 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Of course,but Dick Masterson is a parody,and exageration. Women hate him because he is not simply assertive/dominant,they hate him cuz he was obviously trying too hard
sadkjas ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:44:19 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Many people aren't sharp enough to spot a try-hard when they see one, unfortunately :(
SomeBroadYouDontKnow ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 08:23:24 on November 16, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Oof, this reminds me of a story my boyfriend told me.
So, back in the day, before we met, he was at this bar with a friend. The friend is talking to some girl who is leaning against the bar with her left shoulder, arm out of view. My boyfriend walks up and after introducing himself, starts talking to his friend. The girl starts getting pissy, obviously annoyed that my boyfriend is taking the friend's attention away from her. He doesn't really respond, just gives a look of acknowledgement, because he just needs like 2 minutes of his friends time, just delivering information and he'll be gone. In and out. She's more annoyed because he didn't respond and says something about how my boyfriend is trying to cock block his buddy because he could never get a girl (or something along those lines). My boyfriend says something along the lines of "Listen, if you want in on this action, the line is to my left," gesturing to his left to visually punctuate the statement.
She gasps. Stops leaning against the bar. Raises her arms annnddd.... She had no left arm. She's screeching about how offensive that is and what a dick my boyfriend is. My boyfriend is shocked because he seriously had no idea that this lady was missing an arm (because she was leaning against the bar, and it was out of view). Hilarity ensues between both my boyfriend and his friend going "Ohhhh! Oh god! I'm sorry!" "Did you know?" "No I didn't know!" "I'm so sorry!" He and his friend leave... I'm guessing that lady didn't get any tail that night, because the 3 of them called a lot of attention to her arm during that.
As he tells the story, he felt a mixture of feeling really awful for calling attention to her arm and really good about the social justice served all at once. So, on any given day the story ends with either "Oh my god, I still feel so bad about that" or "Fuck that bitch, if she hadn't started being rude, nothing would have been said in the first place."
I laugh every time because I have no soul. If he had known, it would have been a better smart ass remark.
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 07:36:34 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
[deleted]
Vitorfg ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 13:45:09 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
He meant that women make lines to date him,so she tried to humiliate him and said "yeah i would be at the end of that line" meaning that she doesn't like him
EvanMinn ยท 50 points ยท Posted at 05:34:07 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
On a conference call when someone was talking about making chili for the chili contest in their office.
Her: "I don't eat chili but my husband tried mine and he didn't die so we know it's not poison."
SmartAss: "We know it's not a FAST-ACTING poison."
fingerblast_radius ยท 112 points ยท Posted at 05:51:44 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Told my girlfriend something was in my eye while rubbing it. She goes, is it your finger?
Fendergirl69 ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 16:16:43 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Your girlfriend is a dad.
Ikasatu ยท 9 points ยท Posted at 13:44:45 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Username checks out.
ich_bin_das_walrus ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 23:05:03 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
That's just a dad joke in disguise...
king_chile_mafucka ยท 13 points ยท Posted at 16:32:05 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
In a high school English class, there was a short, chubby kid nicknamed Ace who always wore a giant puffy coat. Like a Mexican Cartman, I guess. He wasn't a bad kid per se, but he was definitely a smart-ass little shit.. This other kid asks to go to the bathroom, and the teacher says "Sure, take 2 minutes and go take a leak" and Ace says "What if he's got to take a shit? That don't take no 2 minutes." The teacher replies "You know Ace, when I was your age I used to be just like you." To which Ace immediately responds "YOU WAS A PIMP?!?!"
Bluesfire ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 16:38:38 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
That's beautiful
dearhero ยท 41 points ยท Posted at 05:13:11 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
It wasn't so much that it was clever, just really well-timed and executed: One time me and my buddy are at our other best buddies house. We're chilling in his room and his mom calls him to the living room, he gets up, walks out, is gone for maybe 10-15 minutes and then comes back and right as he sits down, again, his mom calls him with a tone of "Miiiic-heallll!" And without missing a beat, my friend, with palpable annoyance in his voice, calls back, "Son of a fuckinnng Biii-IItch!" and walks back out into the living room again. Immediately me and my friend start laughing our asses off. It's still one of my favorite stories about that particular friend.
You_Had_To_Be_There ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 12:32:22 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Heh
acherem13 ยท 23 points ยท Posted at 07:05:23 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Girl is in church with her mother and when the girl says "God damn it" the mother says she can't say that in church so she said "Fine then, Satan bless it"! Not mine but I heard it from a friend ao I can not claim it's validity.
rielephant ยท 80 points ยท Posted at 05:06:58 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The name of the deceased has been changed.
When my dad informed our 88 year old neighbor that another neighbor, this one aged 90, had died:
My dad: Mrs. Richelieu died.
Neighbor (adjusting his hearing aid): What?!
My dad (now yelling): Mrs. Richelieu died!
Neighbor (waving hand dismissively): Aw! She was a pain in the ass!
And try as I might, I could not find fault with that statement.
dukeofnewyawk ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 16:41:21 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Plot Twist: Dad was talking to Mr. Richelieu.
[deleted] ยท 21 points ยท Posted at 15:52:33 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I cannot remember how the conversation started, but my dad and grandma (his mum) are having an argument and he says something along the lines of "You've got four grandchildren, but only one child." and she responds "And yet you're still not my favourite."
Willzskills84 ยท 132 points ยท Posted at 05:42:57 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Back when I was a newbie in the military, all the sgts and one captain were making fun of each other horribly during lunch. I felt myself starting to blush afraid someone was gonna pick on me next. The captain said, "oh look at the newbie he's turning red." Thank god that was the fastest my brain ever worked and I said "I'm blushing because I'm thinking about how much it's gonna tickle when I stick my balls in your mouth." The room erupted and nobody tried me after that. Luckily the captain was a good sport.
Pagiras ยท 12 points ยท Posted at 13:42:12 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The captain always enjoyed a good prank, bro.
Awemage ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 02:59:07 on November 16, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Choo choo?
kittyclawz ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 16:03:41 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Army? Army.
Bumfucker666 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:54:53 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Shipping to basic in August. Gonna have to remember this one.
[deleted] ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 16:58:47 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Yeah... don't fucking try it there.
Honestly though, as long as you aren't lazy or a dumbass the military is easy.
Bumfucker666 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:03:59 on November 16, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I'd probably say it to another private. Thanks for the advice though
TheDirewolfShaggydog ยท 38 points ยท Posted at 06:05:27 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I forget the context but my teacher told me "Rome wasn't built in a day" and I responded "but it did burn down in a day". He wasn't very happy with me
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 22:24:36 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
teeeechnically it burned for six.
Dark_Otchkies ยท 21 points ยท Posted at 09:25:21 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
(Mockingly) "Oh you study psychology? Okay then, tell me what I'm thinking."
"Evidently not that much if you're asking that sort of a question."
It shut him up alright.
sadjuggler ยท 8 points ยท Posted at 06:31:21 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
We had an RA who was gay In my dorm. These two rather obnoxious girls were in our lounge one night, complaining about the RA on their floor. One said "You guys seem to have a chill RA, ours is gay as fuck." Just then, our gay RA walks by and says "I'm gay as fuck" and then just keeps walking with out any other form of acknowledgement.
GrFr1 ยท 9 points ยท Posted at 16:09:57 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
A guy I went to school with came one day with some ludicrously large and rather silly glasses on. He didn't normally wear glasses at all and was known for misbehaving, so the teacher asked in a pretty exasperated tone, "Is there a medical reason that you're wearing those glasses?"
"Yes sir, I have a cough".
I'm not even sure why but I always chuckle thinking back about it.
poormilk ยท 33 points ยท Posted at 14:22:40 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
This will get buried but it'seems good.
Playing 2 truths and a lie at work my boss says his dog is gay. Then right as we are leaving the conference room one of the guys who was tenured goes "Scott are you sure your dog's gay or does he just really like peanut butter" we all died laughing.
Belyea ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 19:03:12 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I'm so glad I had nothing to do today except read every reply in this thread.
Phanduhugs ยท 9 points ยท Posted at 06:10:10 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I asked a coworker his opinion on something to which we had differing opinions.
He ends up telling me he feels really bad about it, but just can't let himself take my side..
It just wouldn't be right.
I ask him why..
He says I can't allow us to both be wrong, that would just be silly!
sugarfreecummybear ยท 8 points ยท Posted at 07:25:54 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Gough Whitlam, a former Prime Minister of Australia had some good ones, like:
'When Sir Winton Turnbull was raving and ranting on the adjournment and shouted "I am a Country member", I interjected "I remember".'
Or:
'On the campaign trail, Whitlam was once persistently hectored by a man demanding to know his opinion on abortion: "Let me make quite clear that I am for abortion and, in your case Sir, we should make it retrospective!"'
Bonzi_bill ยท 8 points ยท Posted at 08:56:42 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Had a black coworker tell a racist old lady "you already got one foot in the grave, don't make me put the other one in there"
FormalChicken ยท 9 points ยท Posted at 15:13:26 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Friend of a friend got pulled over for not signaling a lane change. The officer asked why he didn't signal.
"I never use my signals. That's aiding the enemy "
Got a verbal warning.
dressinbrass ยท 65 points ยท Posted at 04:55:48 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
"Hey, I'm a person too!" "Yeah, well I'm a person one. Fuck off."
I loved that one.
TresyCo ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 08:24:58 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
He thinks hes people
Papercurtain ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:59:10 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Lmao, what was the context for that?
dressinbrass ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 16:36:11 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
An argument between two counsellors at summer camp.
Zurrdroid ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:02:18 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I loved that two.
La_Fille_de_Phenix ยท 26 points ยท Posted at 07:43:09 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
My friends and my husband were teasing a single friend about how to flirt with girls. A girlfriend asked my husband, "How long has it been since YOU flirted with anyone?"
Husband responded, "How YOU doin'?"
Girlfriend said, "So like 10 years? Since Friends went off the air?"
swampycrack ยท 22 points ยท Posted at 07:42:01 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I was out with a mate, walking down the street after some beersies on a Saturday night, some other guy walking towards us knows my mate so we stop and they start chatting. After a few seconds he gestures to me "who is this mother fucker?" I said "I'm not a mother fucker"... "Yes you are"..."no I'm not"..."ok, then you're a stupid mother fucker"...."it's because it's your stupid mother I'm fucking"..... Hilarity and punches ensued.
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 22:49:25 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I imagined you guys as Russians, even read that with the accent.
[deleted] ยท 42 points ยท Posted at 03:50:58 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
[deleted]
YouCanCallMeMark ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 16:38:28 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Wait, your friend who was being tailgated got the cops called on him? Can you not brake check people for following too closely? Isn't following too closely the actual illegal act? I'm confused.
Nipplesocks ยท 16 points ยท Posted at 13:40:23 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
My boss wandered in during a shift at the deli and noticed one of the guys working there wasn't wearing his dorky paper hat. "Where's your hat?", he asked. 'Lost it in 'Nam', was the ridiculous response. The kid was 15 and it was 2005.
DickSandwichTheII ยท 8 points ยท Posted at 05:51:17 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
My teacher once asked if we only saw the first 30 minutes of The Blind Side would you think that Michael would've become successful I just told him "Yeah, why else would they have made the film." He was stunned for about half a minute and then corrected himself by replacing Michael Oher with the report card of his worst student.
PM__me_compliments ยท 8 points ยท Posted at 08:35:38 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I had a shop teacher say to a student, "There must be two of you, because there's no way one person could be that dumb."
witherspork ยท 8 points ยท Posted at 09:10:33 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
My grandpa had a retort for every time I tried being a smart ass with him, but my favorite was "don't get smart, I like you better the way you are."
bouncyafro ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 09:18:40 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
One old British guy that I work was complaining about another office mate's incompetence when he said "I would call her a cunt, but at least a cunt is useful". I've been trying to work that phrase into my sentences, but have not had the chance yet.
i_think_ergo_I_am ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:34:03 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
One of my favorite jokes: I just can't call my ex a cunt, that would imply she has warmth and depth
credit anonymous op on reddit
BearyPotter ยท 10 points ยท Posted at 13:50:44 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
When I was ten I was playing on the family computer while my parents were having a silly argument. My mom gave up and said, "Fine, I'm done talking to you." Without hesitation I spun in my chair and said, "You're rewarding him!?"
Little ten year old me was proud of that one.
TurkMcGill ยท 9 points ยท Posted at 15:13:29 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
When my daughter was about 12 she had a very bitchy friend who was arrogant and entitled.
I drove them to school one day and when we pulled up out front my daughter hopped out of the car, while her friend in the front seat yanked my mirror over to fix her makeup or something. She kept scrunching up her face and saying, "Ohhh. Hmmm. Ewwwww..."
Without really thinking about it I mumbled, "What's the matter? No reflection?"
k1llersloth ยท 75 points ยท Posted at 05:45:19 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)*
Guys in his 40s turned around after going through his drawer at work with a floppy disc, and says to us (we are all 22-30) "well here is a relic I bet you young guys don't know what this is" To which I replied "Of course I know what it is, it's a save button"
g0atmeal ยท 19 points ยท Posted at 06:52:07 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God, some people think that knowing about old technology is wiser than being able to use new technology.
Oh, you've used a floppy disk? I'm impressed, person who still can't figure out how to properly use email.
you_gonna_eat_that_ ยท 185 points ยท Posted at 05:00:12 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Shift leader complaining about not being able to figure out working coupon code while taking a phone order she hung up the phone then loudly says "why doesn't this coupon code ever work for me?!" Without missing a beat one of the managers yells back " because you touch yourself at night and Jesus doesn't love you."
[deleted] ยท 14 points ยท Posted at 06:53:54 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I found something like that on a bathroom stall once. I knew taking a picture would come in handy some day!
HorriblyCrazy ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 10:25:18 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
My kind of management.
PM_PICS_OF_ME_NAKED ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 20:16:07 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I always say that Jesus sees what you do in the shower and he is less than pleased with you.
Z4KJ0N3S ยท -3 points ยท Posted at 09:48:38 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
.... wow, I've sure never heard that one before ....
you_gonna_eat_that_ ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 13:12:12 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Fairly sure they didn't ask for the most original, so I shared what I thought was the most fitting. Sorry I wasn't original enough for you, maybe Jesus just doesn't love me enough because I touch myself at night.
wiseroldman ยท 55 points ยท Posted at 05:01:27 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
This one is about League of Legends. "Ethiopia can eat for a month with how much you were feeding". I saw it somewhere on the internet.
rexo12 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 07:45:31 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Reminds me of a joke:
How do you fit 25 ethiopians in a phone booth?
Throw a dog biscuit inside it.
Xetanees ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 08:06:37 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
How do you start a rave in Ethiopia?
You tape a sandwich to the ceiling.
ktmrider119z ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 08:57:04 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
What do you call an Ethiopian with cheese on his head?
Quarter pounder with cheese.
thedankbank1021 ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 07:51:00 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Holy fuck that's great.
fish_n_cake ยท -3 points ยท Posted at 06:09:49 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
That's great.
Bulkyone ยท 20 points ยท Posted at 06:54:44 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Someone accused Rob Thomas of being a sell out and he said he was so upset he was going to go jump off his wallet.
onetwo3four5 ยท 23 points ยท Posted at 04:42:03 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
When my mom told my two year old cousin to drink his milk, he turned to her, rolled his eyes, and said "save your batteries".
[deleted] ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 05:08:08 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
[deleted]
PM_ME_FOR_SMALLTALK ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 05:17:51 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
SeBAGeNetiC ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 06:09:12 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
the cousin was two then?
age_of_cage ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:15:18 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
two cousins?
juzzyg ยท 13 points ยท Posted at 05:24:35 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
When someone asks, 'What are you looking at?' I reply with, 'I'm not sure, I haven't got my animal book with me.
Works a treat every time.
[deleted] ยท 8 points ยท Posted at 05:46:29 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I once asked a redneck chick that was staring at me "what the fuck are you looking at?" Her response: "Nothin' much."
jplevene ยท 40 points ยท Posted at 04:27:30 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Nobody beats he King of smart ass comments, Mr. Al Bundy...http://www.liveleak.com/view?i=003_1396079857&comments=1
SirMichael_7 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 07:47:04 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Al Bundy...true American guru.
lilred181 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 06:14:46 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I used to watch this when I was a kid, I think if my parents knew how raunchy some of his jokes were then I wouldn't have been allowed to watch it.
Steffisews ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:34:34 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Wonder how he'd feel about that stuff now ?
solid_ice13 ยท 14 points ยท Posted at 16:10:39 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Just last week in my college algebra class the teacher passed out an activity for us to do in class. He didn't print enough off so I didn't get one. Asked him, "You're a math teacher right"? He said "yes". I said, "so where did you learn how to count".
[deleted] ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 16:22:12 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Hey, you mind getting in my drink? Also
This is gonna be great
oh
Maybe you should've used the term handed out
solid_ice13 ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 22:06:05 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Sorry to disappoint you friend. Want to know what's really fucked up about the whole deal. There is only 4 of us in the class.
[deleted] ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 22:08:08 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
What the hell dude?
GiantKanen ยท 41 points ยท Posted at 04:47:36 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The owner of my restaurant is a notorious dick-head. That being said we're pretty good friends. One day him and I and his wife are in his car driving to a Homebrew Emporium. We stop at a light and a amputee girl runs by in a prosthetic leg. Of course he starts making fun of her. His wife then says "well I don't see you running anywhere"
He shrugs and says "what? I have a bad ankle"
crop028 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 06:28:37 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
What?
mikey420 ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 06:41:46 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The owner of his restaurant.
crop028 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 06:54:19 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
If it were his restaurant, he would be the owner right?
mikey420 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 06:57:44 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
maybe he washes dishes there but refers to it as his restaurant
crop028 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 07:18:56 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I've never heard people word it that way though. It's probably me just living under a rock my life, and being socially oblivious or something.
GiantKanen ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 06:43:09 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
By that I mean the restaurant I manage.
-eDgAR- ยท 96 points ยท Posted at 03:48:46 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
This is an example of a back and forth between one kid in my class and a teacher.
During my 3rd year of high school I took a Greek history class because I thought it would be cool. We had a new teacher, who was probably in his mid-twenties. He was a really nice and knowledgeable guy, but at times he was a push over.
We had had this one guy, Jake, who I had in other classes and he loved being a smart ass and having full attention.
One day, our teacher decided to have us watch a film, so he reaches to pull the screen down to project it on. He was a like an inch or so too short to reach it and Jake thought it was a great time to make fun of him.
"Hey, having a hard time reaching that prof?" Jake yelled and giggled afterward.
Our teacher looked at him, still trying to reach for the cord and said, "No, Jake, I'm just doing my exercises."
As he said it, he reached it and pulled it down. Everyone looked back at Jake, who for once was left silent and he just slunk back in his chair and scoffed.
Jake looked like an asshole, which he kind of was, for one of the first times in his life and our teacher got the full respect he deserved.
Deathjester99 ยท 12 points ยท Posted at 07:30:21 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Back in 9th grade at the end of the school year our home room teach asked us to tell the class what we wanted to do for careers. I said "I think I would like to be a teacher, I feel I'm good at explaining things." Well one kid thought it would be funny to say. "You would only be able to teach 2nd grade." Few people thought it was funny, and I say to him in a dead serious tone. "So I'll have you in my class then?" The teacher fell out of her chair laughing.
TheAscendedNinjew ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 15:34:26 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Alrighty, so I'm a Jew.
So me and my friends are hanging out and talking about flamethrowers in WWII, it was all fun and games until some know-it-all bitch comes along. She thinks she is knowledgeable about because she lived in Germany for a few years, but I digress.
Bitch: " trust me I know, I've studied this and been to almost every museum in Germany about WWII, I even visited Auchwitz and i did not have fun there
Me: Yeah, neither did my grandparents
[deleted] ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 22:21:52 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Username checks out
lurknofurther5 ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 15:40:16 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
"Is your ass jealous of the shit that comes out of your mouth" said by one old man to another in my office. Still one of my favorites.
moxiousmissy ยท 7 points ยท Posted at 17:22:15 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Me: you need to behave or Santa will bring you coal.
Son (age 5 at the time): that's fine. I'll have a barbeque.
longjia97 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 20:25:22 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Smart kid. Maybe he can barbecue the reindeer.
moxiousmissy ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 21:37:28 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
At his age now, I wouldn't put it past him.
Damn that kid can grill.
Mahhrat ยท 273 points ยท Posted at 02:19:47 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Story time from before even I was born - my dad has a way with words.
Story 1:My dad was a waiter in his youth. Working a restaurant one night (this was the very early 70s), he was in a full and busy place when suddenly he heard a snap of fingers and a whistle.
Yup. "Peoooo-wheet!" came over from a lady a couple tables away, rude as you'd fucking like.
Dad snapped. He got down on his knees, crawled around to the table, and sat up expecantly, much to the amusement of the diners around this woman, who stared at his aghast.
"WHAT DO YOU THINK YOU ARE DOING?!"
My dad replied, 'Madam, you called for me as one would a dog, and so I came as one.'
Apparently that comment got him a round of laughter and applause, and no trouble at all. Given how I know the old boy, I've chosen to believe it.
Story 2: His engagement party to mum. Some douchecanoe comes up to him and says, "Your fiancee is too good for you. I'm going to steal her from you."
Now, this was Australia in the 70s. That's fighting words. Dad's a lot of things, but I've never seen him in a fight ever. He turned to the guy, shook his hand, and said, "Best of luck mate, but you haven't got what it takes."
Yeah.
SeaCadet175 ยท 115 points ยท Posted at 02:32:39 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
the balls on that second one, mad respect there mate. I know if anyone said that to me, at the engagement party, i knock them in to the middle of next week. your dad is a boss
little_seed ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 20:15:49 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
what the fuck is Australia.
Everybody is about fighting and stuff it seems but respect for the dude who didn't fight? that's cool and interesting
SeaCadet175 ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 21:29:03 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Yeah, good friends, or at least my friends, would have given the guy shit for being a pussy bitch and not fighting but only as long as we made sure he knew he had our respect for it.
f1del1us ยท 32 points ยท Posted at 02:45:18 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
That second one is something I am going to remember in case someone else told me that. Thats glorious.
sonic_the_groundhog ยท 12 points ยท Posted at 05:21:18 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I feel like id rather just give him atleast one good shot to the brain
f1del1us ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:26:53 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
What, hit him? For mouthing off? I guess if it were my engagement party I'd just have him kicked out.
TinierRumble449 ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 15:08:56 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
This story is $100% true.
/r/thatHappened
[deleted] ยท 22 points ยท Posted at 06:41:03 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
/r/thathappened
Did his manager give him $100?
S4ved ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 15:42:45 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Yes, yes he did. This story is $100% true.
SniperLoLs ยท -5 points ยท Posted at 07:04:39 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Oh fuck off mate
[deleted] ยท 8 points ยท Posted at 07:05:27 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
You would have to be an idiot to believe that story, mate.
whitefenix ยท -1 points ยท Posted at 09:51:43 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Oh fuck off mate
[deleted] ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 10:05:12 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)*
[deleted]
GladiatoRiley ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 10:31:02 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Bob the Builder
Mahhrat ยท -7 points ยท Posted at 10:07:41 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
So according to you, I or my father am a liar.
I'll put that up against someone who feels the need to hide behind a monitor insulting someone's parents for daring to entertain a few people for a few seconds.
Let me give you some free advice: While the story's true enough, it doesn't really matter whether it happened or not. That you'd insult a man's father over something like this? C'mon mate, you need to have a look at what's really important.
[deleted] ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 18:11:59 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)*
Your dad is a fucking loser. Like father like son. Also, you write like a 12 year old who thinks he's smart. It's embarrassing.
Blibbobletto ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:46:21 on November 17, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
A liar and a crybaby, yeah.
NuclearBlueHair ยท 7 points ยท Posted at 05:26:22 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Someone watches Olan Rogers, don't they
The_Karate_Emu ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 06:01:28 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
That guy was a real toolbench wasn't he?
Meh_Turkey_Sandwich ยท 9 points ยท Posted at 08:08:30 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
/r/thathappened
Indecisive_Bastard ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 05:20:45 on November 16, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God that sounds like such a bullshit neckbeard story. You even types it the dialogue as witty neckbeard shit.
Mahhrat ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 05:30:57 on November 16, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I'm sorry that you feel the need to say auch things.
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 14:25:34 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
[deleted]
Wallafari ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 19:54:12 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Thats mean, bro. Let him have these stories of his father. We dont know if any of these stories are in fact true
PanchDog ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 20:11:37 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
You're right. I'm sorry.
Wallafari ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 20:22:20 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I respect you for this respons. You seem like a cool person
PanchDog ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 20:34:31 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I'm better than I behave online. Reddit brings out the dick in me and I don't like it.
Wallafari ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 20:47:23 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
We arent better than we behave, anonymity brings out the worst in people. You arent alone. Most people dont have the nuts to man up and apologize though. You good bruh
PanchDog ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 22:04:34 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Yeah it's not anonymity itself that brings that out in me, it's definitely part of my personality. I know that it effects most people negatively but you gotta believe you can fight those impulses. It's a drain and it's something I've been trying to work on. Check my history. I've been unnecessarily cruel because it gets me off. But I want to put more positivity into the world.
HelloIamTedward ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:53:22 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Douchecanoe.
[deleted] ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 06:29:42 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Shit zippers
unbn ยท -2 points ยท Posted at 06:44:25 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Congrats, you're parroting a 5th grade potty mouth insult.
Jespidez ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 06:41:19 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
had to upvote for that
happy-birdy ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 09:48:49 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Yep. First time I heard that, twas my favorite word for a week. Till my bf told me to can it on the douchecanoing. So I called him a douchecanoe, of course.
Mahhrat ยท -1 points ยท Posted at 10:10:52 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Same here. The oldies are the best, IMHO.
unbn ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 06:45:15 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)*
That's when your best man knocks that fucker the fuck out and dusts himself off before grabbing himself and your dad a beer
Mahhrat ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 10:10:21 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
That would have been something to see. Dad's 'best man' is very much still in our lives - bloke helped raise me, I consider him my uncle. He isn't a big guy, but I get the feeling I wouldn't want to be the bloke who pushed him too far.
He's like 63 now, and is working on a cliff face making it safe for people below, so he spends a fair bit of his days hanging off a rock face drilling and building rope bridges and so on in those climbing harness things. Just one of those guys that gives zero fucks about doing anything with his hands.
unbn ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:52:58 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
That's badass. Glad to hear he's a cool part of your lives.
from_dust ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 14:30:10 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Story #2 is proof that dad did have what it takes.
K_Click_D ยท -1 points ยท Posted at 17:47:07 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Yeah your dad is a certified G and YOU CAN'T TEACH THAT
MakerBobDesigns ยท 33 points ยท Posted at 05:26:28 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Part two:
Sitting at dinner with the family. My 7 year old son is spouting some nonsense or other. I turn to my wife and say "Son of my bitch!"
She was not impressed.
flamedarkfire ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 11:27:38 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
How was the couch that night?
ju2tin ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 15:11:32 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Cute receptionist at hotel check-in desk: "May I have your last name please?"
Me: "Only if you marry me."
Oplopanax_horridus ยท 7 points ยท Posted at 17:05:12 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
My all time favorite is when someone tries to nose into a conversation by asking something like "what are we talking about?" I respond with the question "Didn't I tell you?" And when they inevitably answer in the negative, I look them right in the eye and with a straight face say "Maybe that's because it's none of your fucking business."
ut_pictura ยท 18 points ยท Posted at 04:54:49 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Yesterday, my snarky boss was complaining about the economy and called out, Why aren't you millennials spending more money? Came back with, Maybe we would if there were enough jobs for us!
bwredsox34 ยท 14 points ยท Posted at 06:22:40 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
My aunt is a third grade teacher, one of her students is extremely sarcastic and witty (typical trouble maker). One day, one girl in the adjacent classroom was screaming and crying at the top of her lungs. The kid in my aunt's class just shouted out "Well that can't be good for business"
[deleted] ยท 24 points ยท Posted at 04:16:49 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
[deleted]
SarcasticSnow ยท 27 points ยท Posted at 06:12:18 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Can we have the context?
rexo12 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 07:49:05 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
i guess this guy didn't like the other guy?
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 06:10:03 on November 16, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I want the timing.
triplealpha ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 05:09:50 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
"I'm freezing my ass off"
"Well it obviously isn't that cold"
QuantumPenguinx ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 05:51:36 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
My grandmother, who had Alzheimer's and was in a nursing home at the time, was asked how she was feeling by one of the nurses. She replied: "With my fingers, of course."
photonrain ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 06:14:32 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The Yardbirdsโ relationship with Sonny Boy Williamson (blues musician) did not get off to the best start: โthese British want to play the blues so bad,โ Williamson once remarked, โand they doโ
SG111 ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 07:04:39 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
My younger brother was 5 or so and acting up during a car ride home. My mom said to him: "You'd better stop. Do you wanna have to walk home?"
He just paused and said: "Which way is home?"
rebelrouser20 ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 07:10:04 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I was drinking Kool Aid and my friend says, "Oh man I used to love Kool Aid. But then I turned 12!" I'm 21 and felt like a child.
GoChaca ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 07:17:42 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Happened to a buddy of mine. We were going into a 711 and a homeless guy begged my friend for a Coke. My friend is a cool dude so he goes in and buys the guy a big 2 liter of Pepsi. He walks out and gives it to the dude and the says thank you, looks down, looks back up and says " I said Coke bitch!" Then proceeds to shake the bottle, open it and spray soda everywhere.
My friend doesn't give anything to homeless people anymore.
craftygamergirl ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:40:08 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
question...why the fuck didn't your friend get him a coke?
GoChaca ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:18:02 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Because he was only half ass paying attention.
craftygamergirl ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:58:44 on November 16, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Then I kinda see the other guy's point. He's homeless, that doesn't mean he doesn't have preferences. It's kinda throwing it in your face that you're supposed to automatically grateful because someone spend 2 bucks on a liter of soda, even if they quite obviously didn't listen to what you said.
lemonlizard ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 15:09:37 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
At a gathering, friend said to my bf "you remind me of my sister's boyfriend". My usually shy little sister without missing a beat said "same". Whole room cracked up, never been so proud.
blackarmchair ยท 22 points ยท Posted at 08:30:41 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I don't know about the best but I had one in high school that I find particularly memorable even today.
I was bullied a lot in middle school and early in my high school years ago even as I got older, filled out, and became more confident I still had a healthy number of people with whom I didn't get along because they mistreated me over the past several years.
It so happened that I had an English class with many of them. During that class the teacher would often use PowerPoint to show historical context for our reading assignments (the class focused on several different time periods) and she'd never full-screen her PowerPoint. She'd just leave it in edit mode with the cursor in the middle of the screen and everything. This annoyed me quite a bit so I spoke up one day and mentioned that the teacher should hit f5 and go to full screen. One of the girlfriends of a guy who used to bully me was in the class and had seemed to inherit his opinion of me. She asked (in a really shitty, judge-y, tone) "Why do you know that, don't you have anything better to do with your life?" to which the teacher replied "Don't make fun of nerds, he might be your boss someday."
Now, I'm not a particularly witty guy nor was I at a stage in life where I was particularly confident or outgoing so for me to have any come back (much less one I'd remember years later) was a pretty big win for me. Without missing a beat, in a totally calm voice I said "Mrs. A, I don't think that's a possibility; I don't plan on becoming a pimp."
TMeganV ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 12:17:18 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Huh, I think I've read this one before from the standpoint of one of the classmates.
blackarmchair ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:49:20 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Whoa... Small world...
dankmernes ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 17:21:10 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Need some sauce with that pasta?
Nurum ยท 9 points ยท Posted at 15:52:38 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I was in math class in highschool and there was this kid who always slept that sat behind me. One day the teacher asks for an answer to a question from the book. It was some random math question with a numeric answer. She calls on this kid and he pauses for a second so I whisper "Chicago" to him. He says it out loud and the teacher just gives him a "WTF?" look and moves on.
SavvySillybug ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 22:11:49 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I once got someone similarly. Teacher asked what tense a word was in, I whispered 'future past', he said it. Everyone laughed, teacher included, he was mad at me. Fun times.
OnlySpoilers ยท 7 points ยท Posted at 04:50:41 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
In high school me and my buddies were at our school's basketball game against one of our rivals. Chants were getting pretty heated and there was one kid in the other bleachers in particular that was going all out, he was dressed in a refs uniform too for some reason.
Their team fouls one of our guys pretty bad and we're yelling at their fans, so between free throws my buddy yells to the kid, "GET THIS KID A WHISTLE SINCE HE LIKES BLOWIN' THINGS SO MUCH!" Immediately shut him up and we end up winning the game as underdogs. I'd like to think it was from devastating their morale.
Unathana ยท 7 points ยท Posted at 05:45:31 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
During my first year of teaching, a fellow teacher (call him J) got arrested then fired for a wide variety of illegal things. Later that year, one of my smartass seniors was jokingly complaining about an assignment, and said "why are you the one who gets to decide what we do?" And I laughed and said "because there's a method to my madness. Besides, I have a teaching license from the state saying that I'm qualified."
Without missing a beat, the student said, "yeah, so did J"
I had a hard time being mad at him for that. It was a decent quip.
PowerSkunk92 ยท 7 points ยท Posted at 06:44:41 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
My cousin inherited his father's gift for these. Once, when me, him and his younger brother were driving somewhere, his mother called and asked where we were. "In the car." "Where's the car?" "On the road." "And where's the road?" "Between the ditches."
skiman224 ยท 13 points ยท Posted at 05:14:43 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Testing Bold Font So I'm with my math tutor and he asks me a question to which the answer should have been obvious, but I was tired, so I respond, "Wait a sec, I'm thinking,", to which he replies, "Really? I guess there's a first time for everything!"
[deleted] ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 05:49:26 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
How do you do bold font? I've aced whateverthisiscalled, along with hyper linking. I don't know how to do bold so feel free to school me up skiman224.
abbeyrogue ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 06:15:52 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
And on another note, italics is just one astericks before and after the word or sentence. Makes everything fancy.
abbeyrogue ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 06:14:17 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Bold is putting two astericks before and after the word or sentence. So ** word ** but with no spaces.
[deleted] ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 06:36:06 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Whoa shit! My life with reddit keeps changing!
1Chrisp ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 10:07:05 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
redditing intensifies
Milkywayne ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 10:34:04 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I literally
can evencan't even right now!skiman224 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:06:32 on November 16, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Teach me your ways, Mystical, Magical, and Milky Wayne
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:30:42 on November 16, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
How did you cross out the "can even" in that sentence?
Milkywayne ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:32:39 on November 16, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
~~ strikethrough ~~ without the spaces turns into
strikethrough. Also, one asterisk on each side makes it cursive, two make it bold.[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:36:38 on November 16, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
This is
gay as fuck!awesome! I recently learned about the bold and the italics now I'm wondering what else can I learn about?Milkywayne ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:48:26 on November 16, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Well, using a ^ (no idea what it's called) you can elevate words. You can also use ^ followed by text in brackets to elevate multiple words or typeonethingiebetween each word for that kind of stuff.
Let's see, what more?
4 spaces at the beginning of the row
A > at the beginning turns it
A single asterisk at the beginning
And --- in a row without other text makes this:
There's also a way to make tables but I am not so sure how to do that.
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:55:14 on November 16, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Sweet jesus! --- I had no idea that there were somany things to type!
effinmike12 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 11:06:17 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Wait until you discover RES
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:30:18 on November 16, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
What is RES?
effinmike12 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 04:39:30 on November 16, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Reddit Enhancement Suite
Give it a try, and check out /r/Enhancement.
Open-Collar ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 12:00:36 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Boy
mvanpop ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:05:56 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Figure It Out
[deleted] ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 01:29:31 on November 16, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I figured it out mofo! *I'm taking my reddit comments to a whole new level!
mvanpop ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 04:26:16 on November 16, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
FAIR ENOUGH
[deleted] ยท -4 points ยท Posted at 06:56:22 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Try skill in less than five minutes. I'm not linking it.
BlackAces_ ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 06:54:35 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Many years ago during the Boxing Day tsunami anniversary my cousin and I were playing and laughing while in the background it was being broadcast on TV, to which we were unaware of. Anyhow, my cousins sister comes out thinking we were laughing at the tragedy and began to scold us to which I replied "Maybe you shouldn't have jumped in the ocean then".
Draiko ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 07:13:25 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I'll toot my own horn because of recent events.
[deleted] ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 08:24:29 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Little sister complaining about how her hair was standing up, I say "How can your hair stand, it has no legs?" I started dad jokes at a young age
cydriss ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 08:44:51 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Two friends were arguing over who was gonna buy some trees for the weekend. They both felt like the other owed them and they were getting angry. My buddy Mark pulls out a $20 to give to Dan. Dan replies with "no, keep your $20, and use it to buy a dildo so you can go fuck yourself."
insomniacmercury ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 09:57:46 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
for some weird reason my mom kept my brother's baby teeth in the medicine cabinet for a while while i lived out of state. when i came back for a visit and asked why there were teeth in the medicine cabinet, without looking up from cutting veggies she just goes 'because they wouldn't burn'
msawesomesauce ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 10:16:45 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Me: stop picking your nose 4yo: it's not your face
Electricshephard ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 12:20:54 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
So this girl teased a friend of mine an he came up with this response.
"Your Penis stinks" "Yes, it's the smell of vaginas"
thats_satan_talk ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 04:25:57 on November 16, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
My friends gf told me jokingly that she bets my dick smells like shit.
"It does. Your boyfriends, actually."
Sirpiku ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 14:48:50 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I grew up with a longer than average neck. Someone tried insulting me using it. My response, " yeah I have a long neck for each of my heads." They didn't get it.
ShyVi ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 15:10:22 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Last year, I was in a class where we basically did nothing. So we were just sitting in the classroom, and my teacher is just like "I need to take some lambs to [Rival City] to get them slaughtered" so I was just like "Take them there and they'll slaughter themselves."
Also, here's a back story. No one here likes anything about that rival city. We are constantly saying things like "careful there, you might get an STD before you get out of your vehicle." Also, under all that makeup, the girls look like potatoes. So yeah, the lambs would slaughter themselves there.
TheSoundOfTastyYum ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 15:21:59 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Shelbyville
ShyVi ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 15:35:19 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Sure, just call it that.
the_jiujitsu_kid ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 15:34:25 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
My roommate is well known for his insufferable puns, and he told me this story about him in first grade.
Apparently a kid had been picking on one of his friends on the playground at recess, so he tried to stand up for him, only for the bully to turn on him. In response, he pushed the bully down the slide. Upon doing so, he proceeded to take his knowledge of cheesy 80's movie action heroes and quipped "I'll let this one slide".
What happened next was that his teacher saw the whole thing and burst into laughter. Additionally, his grandfather saw the whole thing and burst into laughter. He subsequently was taken to the principal's office where he was told not to do it again, but that what he did was pretty awesome.
TL;DR: Friend pushes bully down slide, spouts out a line Schwarzenegger would be proud of.
auntiepink ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 15:43:57 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
We do Secret Santa for Christmas which is assigned at Thanksgiving. So my aunt calls us together saying it's time to draw names. My dad gets up and says, "Oh dear, I never was much good at art."
GenEdStatistics ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 15:50:08 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Three residents and an attending are operating on a trauma patient. Everyone is hyper-focused on the task at hand. A fourth resident comes into the room and realizes that she doesn't have the space to scrub in and help. She busies herself by searching along the bottom of the drapes for the catheter bag. "Where did you guys put the Foley?" she asks. Immediately, and in unison, four voices reply, "In his penis."
Sirduckerton ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 15:50:21 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
This family was shopping at the grocery store I was at. One of their kids was randomly touching things. He made a game in his head out of touching objects. He says "Mom! Everything you touch, you buy!". The dad looks over and says, "Yep, sounds about right.". The wife slapped his arm pretty good.
ANuclearNarwhal ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 15:52:51 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Back in middle school we had this very radical teacher for religion class (Catholic Middle School) and she went through this whole process where she essentially married herself off to God in the eyes of the Church and took a vow of chastity among other things. Anyways, shortly after she told us about all of this one of my peers was being particularly unruly and she lost it- I'm talking full on red-faced screaming at this kid. No sooner does she stop yelling than my friend pipes up and says in the sassies way possible "you better watch it, do you know who her husband is?" and he got sent to the principle.
kimchi_jigae ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 15:53:02 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
In elementary school, I had a science teacher who was quite large. He was telling us how most of our body is made up of water. Classmate out of nowhere yells out "so, would that make you an ocean?"
TheRedBallz ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 15:57:57 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Back in high school, Mr. T, my biology teacher, told us the first day of classes: 'Don't try me, I might look stupid, but it's only my face'.
Right when the class was about to end, he asked a question and someone responded something funny. He answered: 'Why would you say that? I am not stupid'
The funny guy in the class said: 'Except for your face, of course'.
SqutternutBoshes ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 16:12:26 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
My younger cousin had school figured out from the start. Whenever his teacher asked him something he didn't know the answer to, he'd say 'You tell me.'
GamesinaBit ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 16:26:52 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Not a comment, but I was taking a test and it asked how J J Thomson experimented on the atom. Me, who didn't know, answered.
"His experiment was one which further investigated the atom. It began with a hypothesis and ended with a conclusion."
I mean technically I was right.
jamslut2 ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 16:41:47 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
This is the best one I ever made. I was working at a variety store when I was 18. A man came in and obviously forgot what he was there for. He said "do you have any.... aw nuts!"
"the nuts are right behind you sir".
He called me a smart ass.
IamJock ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 16:42:19 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
About six years when I was sixteen, me and friends would sit out on the grass and just relax/talk after school. One day a girl that I've known along time but didn't really get on with decided to join us. The conversation somehow came to babies and someone mentioned miscarriages.
Then this girl chipped in with "My mum lost a baby a few years ago".
Laying there, I removed the my jumper from my eyes looked at her and said "Don't you think it's time she went and found it?". I placed the jumper back over my eyes and just lay there calm as a monk on morphine.
Everybody else that was there tried their absolute best not to laugh but couldn't help it.
midnightyeti ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 17:51:05 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
This thread is seriously disappointing.
poncho5202 ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 18:02:26 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
At my university, campus life was very competitive pitting the dorms against each other in various competitions all throughout the year.
The culmination of all efforts for your 'house' was the annual winter carnival. My dorm was particularly savvy and usually took that majority of first prize slots in any competition leaving the others to cheer for anyone but us. But...we had a bad run one year and we're not on top of our game for winter carnival...we were hurting and the other houses knew it.
When we were all gathered in the student centre for a competition a pretty little girl from another house approached me and said:
"Did you guys pick ancient rome as your theme this year?" "no?" I replied. "Funny," she said. "The rest of us all feel like we're watching the fall of a great empire."
I stood there, stunned...she got me...
solowb32 ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 19:21:33 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
One time my adopted friend was hating on my Nike's and said "Why you got those fake ass shoes?" I replied with "Why you got those fake ass parents?"
ModernStrangeCowboy ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 20:08:39 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
My sister is a twig. When ever she eats a lot her stomach balloons up and looks like she's pregnant. We went out for her birthday to her restaurant of choice so of course she's gonna splurge and eat a lot. When the waitress walks by she asks "how far along are you?" And my sister responds "oh you know, about 15 minutes."
toendeff ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 08:43:46 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
My dad carries an old flip-phone, but doesn't think it's time to get a new smartphone. He's about 55. One day when he was was squinting and struggling to read the pixelated text on the screen I had a gem of a pseudo "yo mama" joke that gave him a change of heart and a good laugh. With the most smartass tone imaginable, I said to my dad
"Dad, your phone is so old.. when you bought it.. you could actually see whats on the screen"
kingglasswerks ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 06:21:11 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
If I wanted your lip I'd jiggle my zipper.
Thenhemet ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 09:49:07 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
A drunk homeless guy once asked me if my shoes (Vans) are my only Fans because the joke i made was not that funny to him. I was speechless. Touchรฉ homeless guy.
honestmango ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 16:30:19 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
This will never translate to be as funny as it was in the moment: Girl: Are you saying I'm fat? Guy: Are you saying you're not?
[deleted] ยท 7 points ยท Posted at 05:39:38 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
"Kids in the back seat cause accidents" "Accidents in the back seat cause kids"
REKT
thinkfast1982 ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 06:42:29 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Probably get down voted to hell for this but i was in line at the grocery store with ONE item and waiting patiently for my turn. 5 - 10 mins later this woman walks up carrying 5 or 6 things and immediately asks to jump the queue. She holds up her items and i hold up my one item. She says, "...but I'm pregnant." (Not very far along obviously, she looked very trim still) All i said back is, "is it mine?" Paid for my milk and was gone before i heard whatever her response was.
EvElizabeth ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 06:49:54 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
When my little sister was young, my dad and her fought all the time. After one afternoon of being scolded, my sister stuck her tongue out at him. Instantly enraged, my dad said "What do you think you're doing?!!" Her reply, "Oh..oh I'm just airing my tongue out."
My dad was floored by her 7 year old clever response. We still laugh about it today.
arbyD ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 07:31:01 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
While I sadly was not here for this, this is a great family story that several people recount now.
So my great grandfather is on hia deathbed at the age of like 96. One of my more distant relatives who I doubt I've heard come comes to visit him while my mom and my aunts are there with him, and she ia quite heavyset apparently. Like apparently very obese.
So my great grandfather musters some words together... "what've you been doin' fer exercize lately? Nothin'?" to which that relative asks "what?" My great grandfather then repeats himself to her.
faparino ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 17:17:49 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
At a bar. Hot girl is asking guys to buy her drinks in a "cutesy" way. Guy walks up to the bar, orders a Corona on his tab. Flirty girl says "and put a rum and coke on there too!". The guy doesn't miss a beat and says "make that a rum and diet" and walked away like it was nothing.
LOW_EFFORT_COMMENTS ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 04:51:58 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
"I don't come out and slap the dick out of your mouth when you're working, do I! Don't fucking come back here and tell me how to do my job."
beelzenoob ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 04:55:52 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
It was my girlfriends fathers birthday last night. Some people were around that he was interested in having leave. He said, " why don't we do the hokie pokie and you guys get the fuck out." They didn't get the memo.
BombasticSnoozer ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:09:38 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Well thats going in my cataloge of things to say
beelzenoob ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:42:20 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
He even put the song on. It was amazing.
Kivadarkness ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 05:40:48 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
" I'm not being a smartass! I'm just contradicting your sarcasm."
Poopdinknboogy ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 05:59:18 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
This happened today. My basement bathroom flooded because it's been raining for a week. My moms went to visit my brother for a few weeks. I call my brother so I can ask my mom a question
"Hey can you ask mom where her big, white fan is" "Yeh for sure, oh wait.. I'm right here! I love my mom!"
Had me laughing for a good while
sekasi ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 06:05:42 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
"Yes, they are called breasts. You can stop looking now" "Oh those are breasts? I thought they were supposed to be hot"
Murdered.
PanOfCakes ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 06:13:22 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
You're about as useful as a knit condom.
Persephone3012 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 06:50:05 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
My Grandfather is a large man. As children we were always scared of him. He played union, NRL and AFL for years. My nana js a tiny woman. She is short and very dainty. We were at a family gathering. My Grandfather always makes a joke that my Nana beats him, locks him in a cupboard and only allows him out for family events. During this family event my 10 year old brother exclaims "yeah, the ugly stick." That was a good call.
KillerAceUSAF ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 06:50:51 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Back in high school, my mom had some friends over to visit. So my mom called me to do something, I did it and went away. During the entire time I am being a smart ass. She tells me to come to her, and I said no and walked away. At which point she said "come here this instance before I beat the shit out of you." I instantly respond "oh, thank god. I have been really constipated for the past couple of days" and just walked away. She got mad at me, but all of her friends just started laughing at my comment.
_brodmann ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 06:55:12 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
My boss was standing at the sink just staring into the abyss as it was draining. So one of my coworkers asked wtf she was doing and my boss said she was "waiting for clean water" My coworker just looks at her and yells "So is Africa, Jenny!" then walks away. We all had a good chuckle.
sjo107 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 07:07:16 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)*
Wife asked me why I had to be a smart ass, responded "I was gonna be a dumb ass, but that job was taken"
yelofoley ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 07:09:05 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Get off the cross... we need the wood.
[deleted] ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 07:17:31 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Your dad told me he should have left you at the hospital.
[deleted] ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 07:21:52 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
It was a smart ass comment, that a wording mistake made even better. At Christmas dinner at a full long table full of all the entire family my angry cousin was talking about some friend of hers that would only be friends with pretty people. Of course I tried to blurt out "wait, and she is your friend" ended up being... "Wait, You have FRIENDS?"
I thought grandma was going to literally die of laughter.
TheDefeated ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 07:33:16 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I would agree with you, but then we both would be wrong.
KentuckyFriedTaco ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 07:36:34 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Teacher : "Why don't you cut your hair?" Student : "Why don't you GROW your hair?" (teacher was balding)
Rainbow_Doughnuts23 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 07:36:36 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
We had a real grumpy old film teacher who failed as a screenwriter. He basically hated everyone in our period. One day we are so loid that he nust looses it. "What the hell is wrong with you!? This stupid attitude is not hollywood worthy." without missing a beat, some one in the back softly says, "how would you know?" rest of the period was pretty awkward.
Polite_Insults ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 09:45:16 on November 16, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
He went that crazy, huh?
[deleted] ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 07:42:53 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Had some renos done at the house a few years ago. Old construction guy asks you construction guy about some wood he'd been cutting:
Aethyos ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 07:44:12 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
One afternoon, my sibling's sixth grade math class was busy doing its class work. It was one of those rare classroom moments when everyone is either actually focused on their work or simply quietly loafing. All that was heard was the grating of lead against paper. Suddenly a girl says, "It stinks in here," to which a male student immediately retorts, "Close your legs."
Aaaand, I needed to edit...
dylandorf ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 07:47:58 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
My friend asked if I could call him a taxi. So I did the only logical thing and said, "you're a taxi".
We were both drunk and took a minute to realize what I'd just said. So that I guess.
69trapqueen69 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 07:54:22 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
One time my younger sister put on her rollerskates in the house and started skating around. I told her to stop. She asked "why?". I said "you could hurt yourself". She then replied with "I could hurt myself outside"
That little shit
DavidT64 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 08:02:48 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
My car has heated seats that get pretty warm. I turned my wife's heated seat on. After a few minutes she turns to me and says "If you smell bacon burning that's my ass."
sillybanana2012 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 08:04:43 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
One time my Dad, my brother law and I were driving home from work. The window was open and we could smell skunk. My brother in law commented on how smelly it was and I immediately said, "that's your breath blowing back in your face." Luckily, my brother in law is a good sport and burst out laughing.
Meatchris ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 08:07:50 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I'm fond of this: https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=TkYoNUV9CFM
greenmeat3 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 08:11:53 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I do a juggling and unicycle show. I was riding my tall unicycle at a performance with kids sitting on the floor in the front row. As I ride close to them I say, "Kids, don't move. If I fall then I have something soft to land on." One kid says, "Land on your head."
Notapunk1982 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 08:24:04 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The bathroom is for employees only.
"Can I get an application"
saga29 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 08:34:38 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
My High school English teacher was a dick...and pretty over weight. Well one of the guys was tired of his shit and of him being an asshole and straight up told the teacher, " man, you're 10lbs of shit in a 5lb bag." We thought that was the funniest thing we had ever heard.
DuckinFummy ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 08:43:08 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
My grandfather once told me, "DuckinFummy, you may think you're a smartass... but really you're just a dumb fuckin idiot."
Love you too, gramps.
nightbeard ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 08:55:03 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
This summer I was attending a local nude beach on the river with my friend, both donning our appropriate to the occasion attire.. nothing. A group of people floating the river on inner tubes drift by us and one guy looks up at my buddy standing on the rocks and snarkily says, "What're you feeding that monster?", gesturing towards his dick. Without skipping a damn beat, my buddy ol' pal goes, "Your girlfriend's tears", and prances off into the water before they can retort.
surkh ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 09:08:11 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
My daughters had been fighting and one of them had hit the other with a shoe. My wife was yelling at them for misbehaving and said: "you both need to be hit with that shoe"
So the first daughter, ever the smart alec, says just under her breath: "Well I already took care of her!"
Gruffyd ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 09:13:42 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
A bit late, but I used to work for a charity shop receiving donations, and often times we didn't have room for furniture in the warehouse, so it was often left outside. A woman once asked me "What happens to the furniture out here when it rains?". I responded with " It gets wet".
sourcoffee ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 09:16:51 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I was in high school and we were at a Ryan's buffet after a track meet. There was no line, but they were still making everyone walk back and forth through the fixed rails to get drinks and trays etc (like a baggage claim line or amusement park line). One of my buddies was stepping over the rails, not cutting in front of anyone just being lazy. The drink man says, "Sir stepping over the rails" in that authoritative tone where just saying the action is supposed to make you feel shame and stop doing it. My friend responds without missing a beat, "Sir serving the drinks" and keeps walking. Silence. It was awesome.
HornyWhiskers ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 09:20:35 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
From Good Burger
Pissed off customer [to Ed]: "I'm going to report your name to the manager!"
Ed: "Why? He already knows my name."
Probably-Offensive ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 09:25:10 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Driving some drunk girls home after a party, one girl said they didn't have any money to give us for gas but that her friend gave really good head, and that she was known as the 'head master'. My friends response was "I would but I don't want any hog warts".
[deleted] ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 09:33:31 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I work in a boarding school, and during an evening roll call last term my housemaster was chastising the boys (mid to late teens) for horseplay in the run-up to exams. "You're stressed over your exams, but your teachers have seen it all before, especially if they've been here for twenty years, thirty years," he told them, and from the back of the room an anonymous voice shouted, "Or a hundred..." I couldn't tell which of the boys it was, or I'd have pinned a medal on him for that remark, lol.
tootiredtopick ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 09:50:35 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Teacher reprimanding student: I'm not trying to be a bitch.
Student: You don't have to try.
TOM_THE_FREAK ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 09:58:16 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I used to work with my wife's sister at Burger King. She left one of the fridges open by accident, to which our boss commented "don't leave that open, were you born in a barn?"
Without missing a beat she said "no that was the other messiah"
Askmeifimanapple ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 10:00:00 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
My response to that had always been, "No, I was born in a hospital and they have automatic doors."
TOM_THE_FREAK ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 10:01:37 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Nice! Btw are you an apple?
Poppekas ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 10:18:09 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Don't know if this counts since I said it myself but I'm still pretty proud of it.
When I was a kid (10-11 years old) we had this group of high school kids who used to bully all the other kids in the street and make them fear them, do little tasks for them, ... One day they were doing their thing again, started interrupting us while us smaller kids were playing with a ball somewhere on a field along the street. It came to a discussion, since the smaller kids were fed up with their shit and didn't want to leave. At some point I said something to their leader and, since I was a small and frail boy, he told me, "Shouldn't you be watching Sesame Street or something?". Without hesitating and with a deadpan face I said, "Don't have to, I'm already recording it". Since I didn't deny his disparaging accusation and proudly confirmed it he really was left speechless.
johansoup ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 10:32:21 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
In HS, my buddy's teacher was irritated with him and pointed a ruler at him. She said, "there's an idiot at the end of this ruler." He responded with, "which side?"
Lareine ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 10:51:11 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
My brother and my Dad used to fight a lot whenever they sportsed. One time when my bro was 8-ish, my Dad was berating him in a ski lodge...
Dad: "You're putting in a half-assed effort."
Bro: "That's because I have a whole ass teaching me!"
polarlink ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 11:37:28 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
A mate of mine was standing at the back of one of those double decker buses in the UK ringing the bell to stop and start the bus while the conductor was busy collecting fares. At one of the stops a woman came up and asked how long the next bus would be. He said, in a smart ass voice,"about 30 foot, like this one". she replied, "Will it have a shit house on the back, like this one?" It was the first time I'd seen him stuck for an answer.
AimHere ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 11:42:44 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Art class at school.
Shortest kid in class, complaining about the stupidest kid: "He has the brains of a five year old"
Art teacher, quick as a flash: "You have the body"
DyingPotPlant ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 11:48:50 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
"Get you head out of your arse, it's not a hat" OCE League Player.
ddd22dm ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 12:00:28 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
My brother and I were fishing and drinking beer all day and arrived at his home about 4 hours late, shit-faced and laughing at everything. His wife lit him up. As she was yelling at him in the kitchen, I was standing next to him and as the words came out of her mouth, "And you both show up, 4 hours late, drunk and acting like a bunch of assholes", I put my arm around my brother and said, "no that's not true", we are not a bunch of assholes, we are a COUPLE of assholes! My brother lost it, his wife stormed out of the kitchen, and we went into the garage and drank beer all night. Fun times !
Deadsuooo ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 12:22:54 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
My all time favourite is:
"Everyone who ever loved you was wrong."
[deleted] ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 12:24:20 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
My days of not respecting you have certainly come to a middle
sykurbjorn ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 12:59:38 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
One day at work, a co-worker 1 asks the rest of us if we had seen the movie Precious (basically a very depressing tale of an abused overweight stepdaughter, iirc).
Co-worker 2: "yeah, I bet you couldn't stop jerking off after that one"
Co-worker 1: "no, ew, that's disgusting...in fact I couldn't sleep after watching it"
Co-worker 2: "yes, it's hard to sleep when you are furiously masturbating for hours"
arcadiaware ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 13:16:05 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
One of the people in the children's department at my church was telling the kids to be quiet before she gets ugly in here.
My mother tried to whisper to someone else, "Too late" but it didn't work out so well, everyone heard it and all the kids laughed.
Ho_Lee_Fuc ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 13:25:40 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Having dinner with a group of friends:
Wayne: Hey Steve, what are you drinking there?
Steve: It is a mint julep.
Wayne: (short pause)...that a girl
kalammekhar92 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 13:53:15 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I was one day whinging to my mother when I was about 12 years old and she turned to me and with a totally straight face said "if I wanted to listen to a moaning arsehole I'd fart" :'(
qwerty12qwerty ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 13:59:12 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Flight attendants who encounter difficult people when they do that last pre landing trash swoop.
Your trash == You're trash
Jr_Sales_Associate ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 14:23:31 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Was working customer service with a guy and the queen bitch of them all. She had a tendency to think she could have any man she wanted and I'm pretty sure slit their throats if she got turned down. Well this guy.. this guy goes up to her and asked "has anybody told you how pretty you look?" She got all smug and said "not lately!" His fate was sealed when replied with "don't you ever wonder why?"
I didn't see him at work anymore after that, but the legend lives on.
[deleted] ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 14:27:59 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Aunt is always correcting grammar. Cousin says "where's the spoon at" aunt says you can't end a sentence in a preposition. Cousin says "where the spoon at bitch" aunt says that's correct.
CheekyNandos1 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 14:33:09 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I'm 15 my friend has just turned 16 I said jokily in front of a group of people" ha you're going to be the 50 year old virgin" his response was "who's going to f*ck you?" so my best friend who's female simply responds with "Me"...... he shut up instantly
hxcricky ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 14:50:59 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
So did you?
CheekyNandos1 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:09:09 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
not yet ;p
cerealeyes ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 14:33:33 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
We were playing pictionary in class last year to learn vocab words and this one kid was trying to draw something for the word "winsome". He ended up losing, but as he was walking away he said: "Oh well, you win some, you lose some."
missdopamine ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 14:36:15 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
My friend told her brother she booked a vacation to Mexico. He said, "why Mexico?!" and she replied, "I want to go whale watchingโข" He then said, "then look in the mirror, mate."
stevebobeeve ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 14:43:07 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
5th grade. One kid get's pissed and pushes the other. The victim just cooly goes, "Don't push me, push a Push Pop.".
The angry kid had to try to hide his laughter through his rage.
dan-o07 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 14:48:32 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I remember as a kid me and my little brother were fighting/arguing over something. Our dad separated us and put us in timeout to cool off and think about what we did. He came in to lecture us about the importance of family and then he asked me "when you are 35 years old and you need help with something, who are you gonna call?" I just looked at him and said " Ghostbusters?" All my dad could do is laugh at me.
hoythoythoyt ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 14:49:30 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Whenever somebody is being nosy. I like to say.
"Oh I didn't tell ya? (no) Well, I guess it's none of your fucking business then is it?"
musicalisthenicsweed ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 14:56:03 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Girl doing surverys at my neighborhood, knocks my door and asks me : -How old are you? -22 -Oh but I need someone who is 24 or older... -Come back in a couple of years Door closed
ProperAdvice ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 14:56:20 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Four of us were working in a small music studio in school a few years back. Teacher walks in and says to us "There's too many people in here", my mate turned to her and said "..well, get out then".
Pretty cool she found it about as funny as we did and walked off smiling.
Nicnasmith ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 14:56:35 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
A long time ago, one my friends got into an argument with one of my coworkers. Somehow guns were brought up and the coworker said, "I sleep with a 454 under my pillow." My friend quickly retorted, "Man, that must kink your neck" (referencing a 454 engine). The coworker went red in the face and said, "I meant a 357." I have never laughed so hard in my life.
alphalady ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 14:57:32 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
This actually happened yesterday. We had just left Dave and Busters n were walking back to the car Boyfriend: "it's cold as fuck." Me: "i like it though." Boyfriend: "you always like unlikeable things." Me: "i like your face"
TheFightingMasons ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 15:05:00 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
One time when my mom was doing my laubdry while I was still in highschool she found a condom in my wallet. She runs in my room yelling "WHAT THE HELL IS THIS?!".
I just looked at her and said, "........it's banana flavored".
MothProphet ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 22:50:37 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Why was your mom looking in your wallet?
TheFightingMasons ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:34:03 on November 18, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
It was in the dirty jeans she was washing.
[deleted] ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 15:07:06 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Took a bunch of 14/15 yr olds on a school trip to York Minster. During walking round the place one of the boys says he's seen a girl he likes but she's with a French school class - can I tell him how to chat her up in French.
I don't know much but I advise him to say "Bonjour, j'mappelle Alex. Quis appelle tu?", and after that I told him to pray she speaks English!
(My spelling is probably wrong sorry French speakers! But essentially "Hi, my names Alex. What's your name?")
I followed at a discreet distance to watch this very brave challenge he'd set himself. He walked up, tapped her on the shoulder and delivered his spiel while smiling innocently.....the girl huffed and declared "I'm Italian!" and stormed off
Poor lad, I never would've had the balls to go for it like he did at 14/15
Mst3kjedi ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 15:07:09 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I cannot remember how it started exactly, but something was said about a friend's mom being compared to a Super Nes cartridge. maybe something about being old, anyway I responded with "yea you have to blow the dust out of the slots of both to get them working."
x_stei ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 15:13:59 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Visiting a friend in her dorm: Me: "Your room is very messy." Her: "Entropy happened."
ju2tin ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 15:16:44 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Really fat guy in my office said there used to be two steakhouses back in his hometown, but they went out of business.
Me: "Because you moved?"
(We're buds, so it was all good.)
JackkHammerr ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 15:19:33 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Younger sister was having a sleepover when I was a kid. At one point her friend was leaning against the wall mean mugging me for no reason so I said "What are you looking at?" To which she immediately replied with "Not much.." Even 11 year old me knew I just got burned. And now I still use that line myself to this very day.
doublejey ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 15:27:13 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
A friend and I were at McDonald's when we were younger playing around making loud noises with our straws when a lady walks up to us and furiously says "are you being serious right now!" to which my friend calmly responds "no we're not doing it seriously, we're just messin around. She walked away soooo mad.
kintarben ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 15:29:34 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
For some background, went to Catholic Private school where most teachers were very religious.
Fast forward to 8th grade, last year there, last exam to take. It was spanish. The teacher proc'ing the exam told everyone to ask Jesus and the Holy Spirit for guidance if they got stuck on a problem during the exam.
My friend turns in the exam, mostly wrong or blank, and says to the teacher "Obviously Jesus didn't know spanish."
noph ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 15:36:44 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
First day of robotics class in college:
Teacher: what can robots not do that humans can
Student: swim
Logon25 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 15:40:42 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
So my friend decided to post a discussion in the joke steam group, in which 2 friends and I pretend to be awful teachers. The friend who posted was a "student", so he says that he wants to help me with my afk probelm, my other friend responds with "I think it's great to see the Special Education Classmates trying to help out the standard classmates desipte their own challenges." Shut him up real quick.
carlover177 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 15:41:12 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
My little sister (8) is such a huge smart ass and is kind of a diva, for context. Last year my mother was checking over her homework and saw that she had answered a particular question in a really funny way. The question was "Explain how you knew that [insert relevant information in the homework]?โข
My sister's WRITTEN answer was "Because it's REALLY (which was written really huge and underlined) obvious." Our mom had to explain to her that the question wanted to know her reasoning, not whether or not she was stupid.
acrylicattack ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 15:47:21 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Chevy chase in Christmas vacation, when he has the massive Christmas tree, neighbor says, "where are you gonna put that thing?" Chevy says, "bend over I'll show ya." Man says something, chevy says, "I wasn't talking to you," referring to man's wife. Gets me every time
[deleted] ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 15:49:56 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
First job, grocery store. Dave, my boss, is arguing with a customer and eventually the customer calls him a "smart ass." As she's exiting he yells "I'd rather be a smart ass than a dumb ass!"
joseph4th ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 15:53:52 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
โI don't know half of you half as well as I should like; and I like less than half of you half as well as you deserve.โ โ J.R.R. Tolkien, The Fellowship of the Rings
Edit: rings plural, I've been lead to believe there are more than one he lords over.
Alukain ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 15:54:29 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
At a D&D game one guy was just messing with another buddy but ended up getting a bit annoying. The getting annoying guy says "haha I have a Ph.D. in kicking your ass." the other guy, without missing a beat turns around and says "Yea?, well I have a Ph.D. in fucking your mother." Hysterical laughter all around.
BigDelicious ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 16:02:32 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I was walking into a store with a friend when we were approached by a guy from a church trying to get people to their revival. So he asks me my name and I say David, he proceeds to tell me the biblical significance to my name but I am do not pay much attention and keep walking. My friend who was behind me listening to the whole thing apparently had time to think up the best answer I would ever hear. The church guy asked him what his name was and he responded:
"Lucifer, its in the bible too"
The guy was shocked and just walked away embarrassed I'm sure because I could not hold my laughter, loud obnoxious laughter at that.
Your_beard_is_good ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 16:04:37 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Probably late to the party, but heard an old man say "if I had to haul ass I'd have to make two trips." I lost it.
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:25:46 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I don't have a beard
smokeytheorange ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 16:06:21 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
On the last day of middle school, my friend bought a disposable camera to commemorate. She and I left the classroom for a bit and we saw a couple guys taking a selfie with it. She demands they give it back and one of them asks, "Why do you have a camera anyway?" And I say, "She brought it to take pictures of important people and you just wasted one photo."
Luckily they also found it really funny.
SammuelNash ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 16:08:04 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Leslie Knope: "What are some good comeback stories?" Andy Dwyer: "Kim Kardashian" Leslie Knope: "How is Kim Kardashian a comeback story." Andy Dwyer: "Well, I saw a video with cum on her back."
RoxinRollin ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:13:56 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Wasn't this unscripted. Is there a video?
nobody2000 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 16:12:54 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
When asked if he was a Hungarian.
"I'm not from Hungary, I'm just a white guy with a big dick"
Hungarian. Hung-arian. Hung-Aryan.
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:18:02 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I thought this thread was really getting popular because of all the comments but I just realized nobody even commented here. Must've been my imagination. Meh
Wacefus ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 16:17:00 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I have a smart assdaughter that makes pretty funny come backs. Both of these are about 8ish years old
1) my wife sees her doing something she doesn't like, tells her to stop. My daughter basically ignores her and sort of slows her speed but is still doing it. My wife takes her arm and says "look at my face. I don't this" to which she replies "haha, you don't like your face"
2) whole asking to watch tv multiple times I tell her to go play and use her imagination. She begins to whine and I tell her to go or she could get a spanking. She then replies "fine, but you should have to spank me with your imagination"
jcs1 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 16:17:05 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Matt has a backpack with wheels he rolls around everywhere.
"Matt, this is not an airport!"
"I always travel to class first-class."
shaddhu ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 16:19:39 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
My friend can argue really well. Told him to be a politician. He said " I dont lie".
Dasaru ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 16:20:00 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)*
There were two kids in my highschool electronics class. The first kid said something obvious. The second one says, "No shit Sherlock!" and the first snaps back, "You keep thinkin' Watson!"
Shit was hilarious and had everyone rollin'. Man I miss that class.
There were only about 8 or 9 students that took that class and I had so much fun. My teacher showed us videos on A++ Certification (basically a video on troubleshooting computers and details of hardware). It was dry and got old really fast. Occasionally someone would start dozing off. When that happened, the teacher said, "You're starting to fall asleep, so now you have to stand." Which happened to me a couple times. Well one time we were watching another video and the teacher sat in the back of the class to make sure we were awake and watching.
Guess who fell asleep?
Man that was hilarious. We never let that one go and cracked jokes about it til the end of the semester.
cornham ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 16:21:04 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I had just moved back in with my parents, except they were living in a house that I had never lived in before (they moved while I was at college). I was in bed, and the rest of the house was "sleeping" too, and suddenly this god awful beeping noise starts up. It beeps twice, every 15 seconds- I timed it. So I text my dad who is upstairs, saying "something is beeping down here" He responds with "what does it sound like??" Well, dad. "It sounds like 'beep' "
I heard my mom bust up laughing at him about 10 seconds after I sent that text.
[deleted] ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 16:25:22 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I used to go to school with this girl named Pam who had 0 butt, which is unusual and worthy of ridicule where I'm from. She was usually cool but sometimes, she could be a bitch. A guy in class realized he didn't have a pencil on him, so he decided to ask Pam. He said "Hey, Pam!" She didn't answer. "Pam!" Still didn't answer. "AYE PAM!" She looked up with a bitchy look on her face and said "WHAT, BOY?!"
"Do you have an ass-- I mean, a pencil?"
NerdBro1 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 16:26:04 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
My cousin once said to my other cousin, regarding her niece, "isn't she the prettiest girl in school?". My second cousin responded with "I don't know, I haven't seen the other girls."
laxpwns ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 16:33:48 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Your necklace is a monument to bourgeois taste.
Binny666 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 16:38:31 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
My friend informed myself and our two other friends that he decided that your fingers had "joints", not knuckles, because he didn't consider them knuckles, and screw what doctors call them. We all looked at him like the idiot that he is, and I flexed my toes and said with a straight face, "Hey guys, have you seen my toe elbows?"
Jedi_Outcast ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 16:44:22 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
In the car with my aunt, her friend, and my little 8 year old cousin. We had a bag of snacks in the front seat.
My aunts friend's husband just cheated on her and she says "he's such a dog".
And my 8 year old cousin reaches over and grabs the snacks, and says "Dogs are loyal" with a flat tone of voice.
Docdoesit ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 16:46:19 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
One time my little brother, about 5 years old at the time, didn't want to eat his pizza and just wanted to play video games. My sister then tells him that if he doesn't eat his pizza she'll cut his hands off so he can't play his games. His response..
"Then how will I ever get to eat my pizza !??!"
Priceless.
Anger turned into laughter following that comment.
OrigamiOctopus ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:07:11 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
this has to be a lie! Like who doesn't want to finish his pizza amirite?
AssholeBot9000 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:38:21 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I liked pizza as a kid but it was never my favorite food. I would pass up pizza no problem.
Now? Fuck that, I'm eating pizza. I literally just picked up a pizza a few minutes ago.
6 year old me was an idiot apparently.
dooondecak ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 16:47:03 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
"One of these days you're going to have to eat your words and they're all going to be shaped like dicks." - My Boss
gittlebass ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 16:47:04 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
In college I took a woman's studies class. They went around the room asking what I wanted to study, I said " a broad" the professor got the joke, everyone else wanted to know what country I wanted to study in but I could tell the professor was mad so I stopped talking
jonnielaw ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 16:51:17 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The GM of a restaurant I worked grabbed a broom to sweep something up outside the entrance as she's walking back in one of the waiters comments "Drive in to work today?"
thefellasintheback ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 16:52:02 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
When I was in elementary school it was time to catch the school bus home, and we had a substitute bus driver.
Bus driver: "Got any change for the bus?" Me: "No, but I have common sense."
hotpot32 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 16:55:51 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
At a Frank Skinner gig, a woman not happy with the topic heckled. "Your jokes are verging on the offensive" To which he replied "Look love, the only virgin on the offensive here, is you!" You just don't heckle comedians, Frank Skinner especially.
auslanded ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 16:58:16 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
My dad told me not to get smart with him. I asked if i should slow down so he could keep up. mom laughed. hah.
CannedInk ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 16:58:25 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
We're running laps inside the school gym and one of our friends decides to start walking. Our P.E. teacher, in the middle of the room calls out to him and says, "You need to finish your mile! If you don't pass gym, you can't graduate!"
Without missing a beat, our friend shouts back, "It's okay, I can always be a gym teacher!"
dwmath ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 16:58:51 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
At soccer practice, during shooting drill. Kid sails one over the crossbar.
Kid: "Fuck!"
Coach: "Easy on the language, no need to swear."
Kid: "All the pros do it."
Coach: "You're not a pro."
Kid: "All the more reason to swear."
heyiamfatduck ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 17:00:49 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
It was in high school, one of our teachers (Ms. Black) had some heart issues and was hospitalized. So everybody in the school knew that and was worried about her.
So, at maths class, another teacher (Ms. White) draw a graph of y=5 function on the board. There was a student, he didn't paying attention, nor was he any good at maths. Moreover, he was constantly chatting with his deskmate and annoying Ms. White very much. So she told him to come to the board and asked what was drawn there. Guy looked at the graph and almost instantly said "well, this is a cardiogram of Ms. Black".
jsaunders866 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 17:01:41 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
My father-in-law was explaining how hard his beginnings were when he started out making $10 an hour and I said "Yeah but back then you could go see a picture show for a nickel." Victory was sweet.
jjmayhem ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 17:03:45 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
My grandpa is set in his ways, he's 80 something years old. Complains that everything that comes out today is shit and that me and my brother live in a fantasy world because we watch a lot of movies.
My brother, without missing a beat goes "well, really its more of an Island".
BlueStarling ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 17:04:47 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I had this entitled student who's mother worked for the school and she had lawyered up over "disabilites" the school was supposed to modify for so she thought she was invincible. She goes off on a rant and yells "fuck!" before leaving for the restroom.
In the perfect silence of her drama aftemath a student meekly says, "I didn't know we were allowed to say, 'fuck'".
90lb_Balls ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 17:05:26 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Standing around at work with some co-workers when the girl who is desperate for attention says "I'm gonna start jogging so I can fit into a bikini this summer". Without missing a beat, another co-worker says "you better run, 'cause it's way too late to jog".
thehocho ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 17:09:32 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
My middle school health teacher didn't garner much respect from his students. In one of our many lessons about the dangers of smoking cigarettes, he recites the statistic that every cigarette smoked chops 8 minutes off your life (as if this were literally how it works). The biggest smart aleck in my grade raises his hand, and the teacher makes the mistake of calling on him: "But Mr. HealthTeacher, that doesn't seem that bad. After all, every time I come to your class, forty-five minutes are chopped off my life."
LumberjackPirate ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 17:23:31 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I worked at a warehouse with a bunch of flippant assholes that would say "your mom" whenever somebody told a stupid story or really for any reason at all. It got really bad, and somebody complained to HR about feeling harassed. They gathered all 70+ employees together and the HR manager addressed everybody about stopping with the "your mom" jokes and comments. She then said "any questions?" Immediately a hand shot up and somebody asked "did your mom tell you to say that?"
superman-ish ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 17:28:52 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
A co-worker asked me for white-out. When I said I did not have any they asked "how do you not have white-out?" To which I replied "because I don't mistakes".
anonymous0482 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 17:52:20 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
This was about a week after school first started. The teacher called on a student and accidentally called her Sabrina instead of Serena. She then responded with, "My names Serena, not Sabrina like the witch" In an extremely condescending voice. The teacher responded with, "sorry my bad Serena the bitch". The entire class burst out laughing except her.
illestnillagorilla ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 17:56:05 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
A couple coworkers were talking, one of them being 55 and the other his early 20s, and the older one says something about how he's always loved older woman. To which the young one replied "Must be hard for you to come by these days."
IFartConfetti ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 19:09:42 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
A lady I used to work with was describing her type of man.
Lady: I'm more attracted to personality than any physical attributes.
Boss: Well that's a lie, I've met some of your ex's.
0ed ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 19:17:14 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I was around 11 or 12 at the time. My schoolbus monitor (yeah, that was actually a thing) was a bit of a dick; his "job" was to note down any misdemeanors of his fellow classmates and report them to the teachers. He was not very popular. That day, though, he crossed the line a bit too far; he confiscated a pack of cards from another kid, let's call him Joe Normal.
Joe didn't like having his cards confiscated, so he just calls for a vote, right on the school bus. "Who thinks we should do away with this stupid bus monitor thing?"
And the bus monitor - who was right at the front of the bus - gives off a sniff, real posh and annoying, and says - "Mr. Normal, I can hear you from the front of the bus. What do you think I should do about that?"
And Joe Normal just goes, without missing a beat: "Why, I expect that you'd vote, of course."
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:30:54 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Joe normal is a hero
TheRealDonahue ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 19:19:42 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
From Robert Pollard's Eat zine, a quick summary: professor says to class, "I find a good bowel movement to be just as satisfying as having sex." One of the students says: "Professor, either you're fucking wrong, or I'm shitting wrong."
icemanerich ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 19:23:01 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I was teaching a class of mostly 8 year Olds. I'm a big guy, 6'+, 250lbs. I joke about being mean alot, give funny growls, etc. It works for me.
This little girl looks up at me, "you really shouldn't be so mean. It's not the most effective way to get people to do what you want".
c0raline ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 19:29:48 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I'm late to this thread but one time I was at work talking to a customer and her friend (boyfriend?) And she accidentally called my store the wrong name. Her boyfriend corrected her and she basically did a facepalm, saying she just got the names mixed up. Her boyfriend was teasing her saying things like "Are you okay? Do you know the date? Tell me, what state are you in right now?" And she quickly responded with "A state of confusion apparently."
sekotsk ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 20:19:18 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
"Put that into an email and send it to me. Sometimes I need something funny to read and laugh at.", when an employee asked the (honestly funny, fair and generally pretty good) boss if we could close the store for a day and have everybody go see a movie instead of going to work.
profotofan ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 20:20:08 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Tardy to the party... I worked summers in a hotel on Martha's Vineyard. A lot of the staff were studying hotel resto blah, blah, blah. We got three meals a day and the chef, Jim, tried to mix things up. One lunch we get soup and open face sandwiches. Dude from Brooklyn: Hey Jim, where are the tops to these sandwiches? Jim: They're open face so shut yours.
Texas10-80 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 20:34:58 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Was getting hollered at by my high school dean for being late or something (all-boys Catholic school, so faculty was pretty straightforward and didn't sugarcoat anything to protect our delicate feelings) and I was talking back to him, and he replied "Boy, if I wanted to hear shit come out of your mouth, I'd just give you a good squeeze"
I walked away, cursed to think about that interaction for every shower and bedtime for the rest of my life
squealingbanjos ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 20:36:46 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Working on the border years ago I was sitting with two other crew members. Halloween was coming up. My very dark indio Hispanic coworker asked the old white guy what he should be for Halloween. Without missing a beat the old white guy says "why don't you shove a broomstick up your ass and go as a fudgesicle?"
Captain_Safety467 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 20:44:18 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Me and some friends were going skiing and on the drive there this conversation happened:
Inexperienced friend: "Do you wear a helmet?"
Experienced friend: "yep"
Me: "yeah but how about when you ski?"
esoteric_enigma ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 21:25:47 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)*
Girl makes joke about guy wearing glasses. He replies that his eyes have evolved poor vision as a response to her face.
This was in middle school science class and we had just been covering evolution. Even the teacher burst into laughter.
CultHero666 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 22:41:17 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
My dad came home from work once complaining about having to deal with human resources. He said "... so I told the guy 'Look, you are neither human nor resourceful'."
feebeeboofay ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 23:35:41 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Lady Nancy Astor once said to Winston Churchill, 'If I was your wife I would put poison in your tea!' and he replied, 'Madam if you were my wife I would drink it'.
polkemans ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 23:39:12 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
When I was in high school there was this mean, fat butch that always made shit up to make herself sound cool.
One day she was regaling us about her new boyfriend, Vash. After five minutes of her going on I told her nobody cared and I'll remember this exchange for the rest of my life,
"You're just jealous because my boyfriend's dick is do big he can suck himself off!"
"Then why does he need you?"
Walked away like a boss.
Jenkins246 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 00:17:56 on November 16, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
In English we had this annoying fuck named Mitch. He was one of the types who doesn't know when to just shut up the teacher knew it too. One day Mitch goes off on this stupid fucking tangent making fun of people and giving them nick names. I looked at my teacher to see if she was going to do anything. Calmly, she puts down her pencil and looks Mitch right in his fucking eyes, as if god were peering into one's soul and asks," Do you have a nick name?" "Yeah call me Mini-Me," Mitch said. Without missing a beat," Does that refer to your intellect or a body part?" Class goes crazy(inner city school) DAAAAAAAMMMMMMMNNNNNNNNNNNN!!!!!!
Rarnrnus ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 00:35:15 on November 16, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
"About as useless as nipples on a man" ~Cyanide
chefmonster ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 01:25:06 on November 16, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Years ago I had a coworker with a vey, very thick Brooklyn accent that was frequently commented on, as we were in a small Oregon town. After a long and busy day, a nice dad buying dog food asked her, "where is your accent from?" Her response : "from my mouth." I lost it.
itsallinwidescreen ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 01:38:33 on November 16, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Myself and a friend were sitting together at work when a overweight co-worker joined us and told us she had her eye on a local football player.
She asked us "How do you get a football player to go out with you?"
My friend responded without hesitation
"Lose weight."
Khclarkson ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 03:15:46 on November 19, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
In Hawaii on our honeymoon, we were going on a walking tour around Volcanos National Park and overlooking a cliff before the tour began. An older gentleman came up and stood near us and observed the scenery, taking pictures, not saying anything for over 10 minutes.
A family pulls up in their vehicle and the child with them is screaming/crying and doesn't want to do anything. Just then, my wife and I hear from the man, "Oh good, the human sacrifice is here".
I laughed so hard that I started crying, and he just winked and walked off taking pictures. It was beautiful
[deleted] ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 06:26:44 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
FINALLY! Ok so i was at a bar with a group of friends, my buddy (lets call him peter) is a little on the heavy side but has never let it bother him. Anyway im getting a drink at the bar and can hear him talking to a girl behind me. Now peter has never been a ladies man but i appreciate his can do attitude whenever he aproaches women. After about 5 min of small talk i hear him ask this girl if she wants to dance! Now i was not the only one listening in on this because at that point all the guys i showed up with turned around from the bar to see what this girl had to say.. Her response was "i dont want to dance with you! You are fat!" And without missing a beat peter says "yeah i may be fat, but you are ugly! And i can lose weight" the whole bar lost it. Peter didnt pay for another drink the entire night, as legends drink for free in my town.
waroneverything123 ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 06:47:58 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Me: "it's so hot today"
Friend: "Yea I know, I can't help it"
boredguy12 ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 09:37:26 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Server says to 8month pregnant bartender: By Stacy, Stay fat!
Bartender Says to idiot server: By Jerry, stay single!
[deleted] ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 07:05:09 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
had to borrow a pair of underwear from my dad. I said to him being a smart ass, "thanks dad, they are tight in the ass and loose in the crotch though" . Implying he has a small penis. He said to me, "it's because you have them on backwards, dumbass!"
got rekt.
Frohirrim ยท 9 points ยท Posted at 11:23:12 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Wouldn't that be the opposite? If you tried on someone's underwear and it was loose in the crotch, wouldn't that mean their dick is bigger than yours?
VikingTeddy ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 11:41:31 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Wouldn't that be the other way around?
Reddichu9001 ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 04:59:28 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I didn't exactly "hear" it but I thought this was pretty funny.
https://i.imgur.com/Z4FmUdl.jpg
zombie_dick713 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 06:06:03 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
During fish week in high school the seniors made the freshmen have a push up contest during lunch. One of the freshmen couldn't go anymore and his senior called him a pussy and he said, "I am what I eat".
Petemarsh54 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 06:17:21 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
My 8th grade spanish teacher would never let me go to the bathroom, to the point it turned into a running joke, my friends would try to get me to ask just so she would get mad and waste classtime,
Anyway, she would say "No you go everyday!" And finally one day I said back "I don't go everyday because you won't let me leave the room!"
She was less than happy and was still an Ultra C U Next Tuesday
Rumble-Tumble ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 06:37:55 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I was at the pool with my (white) friend from New Zealand. I noticed she picked up a tan pretty quickly and asked 'do you have any Maori in you?' She looked off to the distance and said 'I did at some point' then walked off. Laughed my ass off
SuperBeardMan ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 07:45:45 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
When we were about 7 my brother and I were in the car with our nan and pop, for whatever reason she said to my brother.
"You have no sense!"
Without missing a beat he pulled out his wallet, took out a 20c peice and said.
"Nan you need new glasses, I have 20 right here!"
Laughed for most of the car ride after that!
beardedjunior ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 15:52:08 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I once got asked by a bouncer if I had anything sharp on me, I replied "Only my wit".
ratherbefuddled ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 16:11:31 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Guy I used to work in a large office with was always losing his security pass and used to ghost in behind people after going for a smoke. One day he follows this short ass guy (like less than 5 feet tall) in a suit who pulls him up at the reception and dresses him down.
OK he shouldn't have done it but this guy was going well over the top, and seemed to be suffering from short man syndrome - he was just some unimportant marketing drone but acted like he was the CEO.
Anyway a long tirade at the security guy on reception followed which the short ass ended by turning to my colleague and finishing with:
"I'm not happy".
Colleague reply: "Well which one are you then?"
I lost my shit, so did the security dude. Pint sized suit wearer went bright red and stormed off. Colleague got a new pass then and there.
goatsy ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 16:56:35 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Does it count if I said it? Working at a grocery store as a cashier, ask the customer if they found everything all right. They sigh and say no to which I respond, "Sounds like we win another game of hide and go seek."
[deleted] ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 04:52:59 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The first time I heard someone say "You are what you eat." after being called a pussy. I've heard it a few times so I guess its pretty common.
MakerBobDesigns ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 05:20:53 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Does it count if it is a comment that I made?
Continuing Ed class for license renewal. I am arguing with the instructor about a code issue. I point out the clear cut black and white passage. Reluctantly, he gives in and says "Technically, you are right."
I leaned back and said "That is the best kind of right to be."
I am a dick sometimes. เฒ _เฒ
nvastay ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 06:14:00 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
My neighbor and I were talking about the news a while ago and I mentioned how ISIS decapitated a journalist. His response with a slight smile, "Well he'll never get ahead in life".
sp___ace ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 07:19:21 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
"may be you should suicide by jumping from your ego level to your intelligence level"
yesimfluffy99 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 10:20:00 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I like this one
hondas_r_slow ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 08:04:25 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I hated a job I had and was ready to quit. One day near the end I butt dialed my boss. He called me back to let me know I accidently butt dialed him, I replied with "must of been one asshole wanting to talk to another."
Wisepowerfulsusan ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 16:02:11 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
A friend of mine was being hassled by a giant sized bro at a bar for wearing tight jeans. IIRC the guy said something like "Where'd you get those jeans, pussy?" Without hesitation my friend responded "They were the only thing in your mom's room not covered in cum."
dagormz ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 16:31:30 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
One time my Mom was yelling at my Dad for something. Once it's over he goes downstairs to grab a beer, my Mom followed him and he didn't know. When he was downstairs he muttered "fucking bitch". She caught on and freaked out. His response, "did you hear that bird?"
YouGO_GlennCoCo ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 17:01:01 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
In high school my friends and I went to the Girl's basketball game against worst academic schools in the county. During the game a girl on our team was taking a free throw so the whole gym was quiet and a parent from the other team yells across the gym "YOUR MOM GOES TO COLLEGE!!" (Napoleon Dynamite was very popular at the time) and without missing a beat... one of my buddies yells back "YEAH WELL YOUR KIDS DON'T". The entire gym burst out in laughter... that was pretty good.
Solus68 ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 02:15:00 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)*
After being called a smartass:
"I ain't a smartass. If I sat on some ice cream, I could tell you it's cold but I wouldn't know what flavor it was!"
Edit: He was quite drunk, if that helps.
[deleted] ยท 20 points ยท Posted at 03:07:52 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Wow that's cringeworthy
Solus68 ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 04:13:19 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
He was quite drunk, if that helps.
CWRUW4 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 03:42:42 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Dad?
Zombiecidialfreak ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 06:42:28 on November 17, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Ok, I guess you're a dumbass then.
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:10:04 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
"Thanks to me you're somebody's kid"
plasticwrapshorts ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:56:28 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Oh great, you came for me already.
SO, on Thursday night this week, I was at the hospital with my best friend who was in labour. We were walking through the hallways in the hospital together when she exclaimed "WHY DOES THIS HURT SO MUC!H!", to which I replied, "well, you have a human trying to come out of you...". This has now been brought up multiple times in the last three days and I don't think I'm ever going to live it down.
RatHead6661 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 06:01:23 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
One time at football practice, we were doing a drill called "mountain climbers". We were doing them for quite a bit before a team mate collapsed and didn't want to continue. Coach got mad and yelled at him to keep going. My friend just says "I can't, sir. I reached the top of the mountain"
If there was one thing coach didn't like, it was smart asses. He made is all run after that comment. We ran a lot. We gave that team mate shit for a while after that, but I always thought it was pretty funny.
hrb_ninja ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 06:12:26 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
My friends girlfriend dump him claiming he was too sarcastic. He responded "Me? Sarcastic? No." He kind of proved her point. Later, when he told me about it, before he told me what he said I interrupted him saying "You? Sarcastic? No."
invalid365 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 06:13:53 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I was with my grandfather when I was 12. We were on a beach in Arizona and a really cute girl is walking by with her dog. "That's a nice dog there" her response was "thank you" he then says "holy shit it talks!"
faceisamapoftheworld ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 06:18:42 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The jerk store called, they're running out of you.
Choco_coco ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 06:24:58 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Once I did something wrong and said to myself "I'm an idiot", my mom turns around and tells me "don't me humble"
IDreamOfSassy ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 06:25:04 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I was watching American Horror Story with two of my friends and one of them asked 'I wonder what it's like to kiss a ghost?' To which I responded with 'I don't know. Ask your girlfriend'. He high-fived me.
johnwalkersbeard ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 06:26:16 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
My brother in law was about 20 years old, arguing with his 50+ year old dad.
His dad says, "what would you even know about it .. you're just some bright eyed naive little boy who has no idea how the world works"
So he replies, "well then I guess that makes you a grumpy old man who knows everything"
Only time I've ever seen that old man at a loss for words
MickCollins ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 06:30:43 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Heard in high school from two kids I knew:
"Hey Joe - give me a blow."
"I don't think so, you fucking retardo."
I don't know if Joe was saving that up his whole life until that moment or what, but it was hilarious.
gingkastar ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 06:30:48 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
"Your stupidity amazes me"
Pixelizedmario ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 06:34:07 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
My Ex-Girlfriend was talking with her friend about how if a guy flirts then that means he likes you, keep in mind I flirt with her all the time, so I looked back and said "Well I flirt with her all the time doesn't mean I like her"
andyisgold ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 06:35:59 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
My boss loves throwing out witty remarks. One day our coworker asked him to help solve a problem he was having. And our Assistant Manager says "He can't solve shit." And my boss points at the AGM and says "Problem" then points at himself and says "Solver".
bafoon90 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 06:39:28 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Father: Did you hear that Mr. Rogers died today?
Son: There goes the neighborhood.
Lachwen ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 06:43:34 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Five-year-old being introduced to my big brother. The kid gave him that super-serious-little-kid stare, then announced "I'm precocious!"
His mom laughed and asked him "Now honey, do you know what that word means?"
The kid nodded, his face still a study in seriousness. "Uh-huh. It means I know too much."
LuminicaDeesuuu ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 06:46:45 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Asked "Where do you see yourself in 10 years?" Answered "In a mirror"
LadiesWhoPunch ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 06:53:59 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I woke up sick and had to get on a plane with my husband for thanksgiving. I took a Benadryl to fall asleep for the 5 hour flight. I had a drink in my hand and started drifting to sleep. My husband tried take the drink so it wouldn't spill all over me. It woke me up and I said "The drink you're taking, am I finished with it?" "No" he said. "Then fucking leave it" He ended up taking it from me when I was really asleep.
SpiritualJ ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 06:54:48 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Someone gave my buddy the finger and he said that's the same finger I fucked your mom with Not amazing but I still laughed
penguineatingpancake ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 06:56:17 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Once my brother's friends were arguing and one said "you know you're a piece of shit, right?" and the other replied "yeah, well at least I'm not the asshole."
ClearlyDoesntGetIt ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 06:57:45 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
her mom- "quit being such a smart-ass"
her- "better a smart-ass than a dumb-ass"
gaff26 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 06:59:49 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
There's a book titled Why Are You So Fat? Cricket's best ever sledges. Full of zingers. One that comes to mind:
"How's your wife and my kids?"
"The wife's alright but the kids are retarded."
tmishkoor ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 07:00:59 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Once when I was working at the University Help Desk, a gentleman walked in on a saturday and asked if we knew where the college fair was, and my coworker said "Too bad college aint fair, guy".
Danizdaman0506 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 07:06:26 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
If a stereotype isn't true, then it wouldn't be a stereotype
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 07:12:39 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I was reading a book about historical "fails," and read out loud to my family that Constantine V had defecated in his baptismal font.
My mother's instant response: "Holy shit!"
SpartanLegend ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 07:12:42 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
My programming professor was a sarcastic asshole who, at one point in my first class with him, said: "you can be successful two ways: being confident or getting rich. I am successful." So me, being a sarcastic asshole as well, replied "how did you get so rich?"
He liked me from then on and I did well in his class
Alienthere ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 07:15:37 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I was at a pizza joint and a kids football team showed up. Three kids and their mother were standing next to our table and she was taking pictures of the hooligans spraying chemical cleaners on each other while pretending to clean off another table.
I said "keep your camera out long enough and you can get a time lapse of my thinning patience."
My wife's face was extremely red from a combination of laughter and probably a bit of embarrassment. In my defense, I don't like the taste of chemical cleaners on my pizza
ookimbac ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 07:21:29 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
"Who gave that kid a license to live?", spoken by a guy who who used to reference the quote, "Live fast, die young, make a good-looking corpse", and he did, sadly.
circa1023 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 07:24:13 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
My grandma and I were talking after my birthday dinner and I said something along the lines of "I know I can be a pain in the ass..." Before she interrupted me to say "Well, you are your mother's son."
redditman7796 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 07:29:13 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
At a local movie theater: *petite teenage girl bumps into very tall young man Girl: "Omg I'm so sorry." Man: "I'm sorry you probably didn't see me there, I'm tall." -smoothest on the spot delivery I have ever seen
sharkykid ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 07:30:55 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
idk if its too late to submit this now, but anyways...
so my geometry teacher was explaining a problem and a girl raised her hand and said that she had an alternate solution to the problem.
teacher replies "ok, tell me what the other option is and then i'll tell you why you're wrong."
MakingSumXs ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 07:37:38 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Working in construction every has small minor injuries (busted knuckles, bruised elbows, burns). So every time I hear a "shit that hurt" I reply with "I didn't feel a thing"
markovitch1928 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 07:39:28 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Inside me is a thin person trying to get out Just one?
harleypig ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 07:41:43 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
When I was working the line at a local restaurant (long defunct) we had a waitress who was rather up tight and very religious.
We were joking around and one of the other cooks randomly asked her out for drinks the next day. She looked him up and down and with a look of total disgust on her face said "A snowball would have a better chance in hell."
He immediately responded with "So, a blow job is out of the question then?"
She was so shocked she couldn't move or speak while we all fell over laughing.
GoldenGirlsGoneWild ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 07:44:43 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Chem students do it on the table periodically
RocketIndian49 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 07:45:01 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
When I asked a friend to join our Co-ed intramural softball team in college he responded: "I don't play anything with the word SOFT in it..."
toastiewarm ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 07:54:47 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
We were in a bottle store in Auckland and an argument was happening between an indian dairy owner and an asian bottle store owner about a price discrepancy. The dairy owner said "In my store the customer is always right, so that makes me right give me the cheap price!" the bottle store owner replied as cool as you like " But in my store you not a customer, you a motherf*****" and smiled, left him standing there and served us instead
ask_me_if_i_care_ ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 07:57:20 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
"Did you get a hair cut?" "Oh, no, it just started growing back into my head" What a smartass....
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 07:58:35 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
"Better to be a smart ass than a dumbass"
krnichin ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 08:00:10 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I don't know where I heard it but "nice shirt, does it come in your size?"
noobwannabot ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 08:00:15 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I had a music teacher who always called out mistakes like this:
teacher: why did you do this?
student: i thought...
teacher: Thats the mistake! You thought!
yesimfluffy99 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 10:11:38 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I had history teachers who did this. Made me hate history until I was 30.
Ace_Mazta ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 08:13:11 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
"You're a smart as, you know that?" "Yeah, I am!"
SanFransicko ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 08:20:20 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
When I was in high school I was over at a friend's house and his little brother, who was about 6 or 7 years old, was messing around with something in the back yard. I yelled over to him, "Hey, Mikey, whatcha got over there?" Without missing a beat he yelled back at me, "Why don't you bend over and I'll show you?"
Little punkass kid.
Aieoshekai ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 08:26:53 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I really loved "I got lost on my way to college." (From Jarhead)
unsignal ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 08:27:25 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I am constantly cracking jokes in front of my 8-yr old nephew, and he laughs a lot. We really get along well, and he's the apple of my eye. He's like the kid i never had.
My sister asked him one day how would he describe her different relatives in one word each. When my name came, the little shit said "UNfunny"
I didn't know what hit me. In front of me, he is laughing his ass off, giving me the impression he thoroughly enjoying the jokes. When her name came, he said "wine". When her father's name came, he said 'UNFun'. This kid is fucking 8!! How is he getting this vocabulary.
A fucking politician in the making
Blindii ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 08:32:24 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I was in my hotel room when I heard a British couple on the hallway trying to get into theirs, but the keycard wasn't working. The keycard comes with instructions go keep it away from mobile phones, so the woman asks:
"Have you been rubbing it against your phone??" to which the man calmly replies "No, I've never been with a phone". The woman made a frustrated "aarrggh!" sound and left to get a new keycard.
Girlirl ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 08:39:58 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
My co-workers and I were walking past a bridal store one day when I commented on how much I loved one of the wedding dresses. Without skipping a beat, one of them said "Yeah, it's nice, but where would you ever wear it?" I stopped in the middle of the sidewalk and stared at him, mouth agape, for a good 5 seconds before we both started laughing hysterically.
pikachubitch ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 08:42:47 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
the lines of doug (shirtless guy) from this scene in the movie ghost world https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uB055Obmdno
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 08:43:28 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Worked at a thrift store in 2005, processing donations. One morning there is a couch by the receiving bay. It stinks like piss. I ask my supervisor Donna if I can trash the couch because it smells like pee.
She asks, "Does it smell bad like pee?"
To which I respond, "Ahh no.. it smells good like pee.."
Awesomebox5000 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 08:51:08 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
It's been my go to ever since.
ktmrider119z ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 08:54:39 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
If I wanted your mouth open, my dick would be in it.
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 09:13:10 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Q speaking to Bond: "I told you to bring the car back in one piece, not bring one piece of the car back" holds up steering wheel
Spectre was pretty good in my opinion.
kloops ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 09:16:28 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Excuses are like assholes, Everyone has one.
ex-per-i-ment ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 09:47:23 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
See you on reddit!
I was like.. well played...
BlueBiscuit85 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 09:56:45 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
My buddy got in trouble in elementary school and the teacher asked if he wanted her to call his mom. He said "Sure. She can just hop on her broom and zip right over"
booksblanketsandtea ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 10:05:16 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
It was my last year of high school - drama class. We were sorting out the order everyone would perform their solo piece in (drawing names out of a hat). My friend's name was pulled out first, but he was sorted and a chill guy - he didn't care. That didn't stop this absolute bitch of a girl start laughing at him, saying 'Hah! Shame, you have to go first, you're going to be so crap, this is hilarious' and all this shite. Then, her name gets pulled out - she immediately starts bitching. "No fucking way, that's not happening, I will fucking cry, do you want me to cry?!" and the rather gorgeous teacher aide (ie: British guy on an OE) immediately comes back with a rather epic "Well it would be the first piece of good acting you've done all year". Bitchy girl actually cried, the rest of us cried from laughter.
TheGMan324 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 10:16:50 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
My friends James and Sam were having an argument. The sarcastic comments come flying out of Samd mouth so James comments "you know sarcasm is the lowest form of wit SAM" so Sam quickly responds with "At least it is a form of wit JAMES". Those of us who were listening thoroughly enjoyed this comment.
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 10:24:20 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)*
My friend is a hirsute gentlemen, when he showed up at a party wearing a sweater, I asked, "Hey man, why are you wearing a sweater under your sweater?" To which replied "Why are you wearing a shut up, in your mouth?". Everyone laughed at me.
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 10:43:45 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I was in a boardroom meeting and there was this awesome tray of shrimp cocktail. I was having a go at them and this annoying guy says my name and tells me, with total condescension "the ocean called, they're running out of shrimp." I looked right at him and said "Yeah? Well the jerk-store called and they're running out of you."
nimbusdimbus ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 10:50:42 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Back in the 50's, my Grandpa would be driving down his farm road and pass another farmer. They would both wave to each other and my Grandpa would smile and say "Harryasshole" with the asshole kinda quietly murmured from his mouth.
Staunch3000 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 10:53:05 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
In response to an insult "I've heard worse from better."
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 10:55:09 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Scout den meeting going on right before christmas, so we are all singing christmas carols and we get to one one about the three ships. One of my fellow scouts asks our catholic den mother something along the lines of: "How was Jesus on three ships? Did they cut him up and put a piece on each?"
Yohji- ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 11:18:31 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I remember in grade 9 this kid was asking the male teacher what his sleeve tattoo resembled and he was talking about how people from Thailand got everywhere tattooed from their thighs to stomach. He started joking how he should get a tattoo on his ass. The teacher is wondering what he should get when this kid replies saying "You should get a tattoo on your ass cheek saying INSERT HERE" The kid got a detention but the reaction was worth it.
jamiebiffy ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 11:25:52 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
A Policeman in town asked the local homeless man "Andy, huv you had any drugs?" His reply "Well boby, is the pope a fucking catholic?"
stickfish ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 11:27:43 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
There was an overweight teacher at my school and she wasn't very well liked. This one kid was a bit of a wanker to be honest and shouted to her "Oi, Miss! Why are you so fat?" She turned around and said "you try having 4 kids." And he says "What? For breakfast?"
diarm ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 11:32:28 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
In college in Ireland about 10 years ago, witnessed an argument between a girl from a wealthy area in Dublin and a girl from a rural area in the Midlands.
The farmers daughter told the city girl she was "so ignorant", to which the city girl replied "its not ignorance... it's affluence" and walked away.
I hated her but it was a slick line
CostcoBulkBuyer ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 11:43:50 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
So it was in high school, geometry class. Nobody likes the geometry teacher. There was this girl i knew, kinda chubby, cute though. One day she made a comment to the teacher, "you should just jump out the window". And he replied, "at least I can fit through one".
cyncantspell ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 11:58:52 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
My aunt was calling my cousin from across the yard and said she had to the count of 3 to get back to her or she was in trouble. My cousin, about 4 years old, responds with, "How about 5?"
imrj100 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 12:00:28 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Once a straight guy was bulling my best friend (we're both gay) and he said that he didn't understand how could be possible someone look so gay when wearing a Star Wars shirt (my friend is a big fan). A nonsense comment... Anyway, my answer was "well you're not straight enough to not look like a queer in that V shirt" He never spoke to us again.
Durbee ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 12:06:40 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
In a lecture, professor explains that that the male's contribution to reproduction includes determination of the fetus' sex.
Dude pipes up with "That's right guys, the power is in our hands!" Without missing a beat, sassy gal sitting in front of me shouts over the laughs, "With an attitude like that, your little "Power" can stay there."
I slow-clapped.
Perezdelpulgarcole ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 12:10:37 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
My dad and brother were talking, my mother was trying to watch a film.
'Shut up! I can't hear the best part of the film!' She cried.
'How do you know it's the best part if you can't hear it?' My brother casually responded.
Fb62 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 12:12:05 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I wanted to tell my boss today that he inspires me. I wanted to say that if he can be a store manager, I can do fucking anything.
EricBrennan ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 12:22:19 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I was friends with a girl on who broke up with my roommate. Within two months she announced on Facebook that she was pregnant. I was the first to comment:
Her: "So happy to announce we're pregnant! So in love!"
Me: "lol"
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 12:26:40 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Y-you too.
12TimesFast ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 12:28:06 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Me: That's so small Friend: That's what she said! Me: To who? You?
YesMyNameIsGeorge ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 12:29:50 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
When i was younger my brother was being a really shit and mum told him to cut it out so he went into his room wrote down what he was doing and then walked back out to her and took a pair of scissors to it in front of her.
bryguypgh ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 12:38:17 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
"There's other people in the world besides you you know!"
"Oh yeah? Name one."
ofoot ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 12:40:24 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
My chem teacher told us top remind him to run every day because he hasn't been doing that for a while. My response? "We can see that".
Another one from my chem teacher: "To answer that question, you're going to need someone smarter than me".
"So my pet monkey?"
Philanthropiss ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 12:42:38 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
In a bloodborne pathogen training lesson once from work and the teacher stated " Any questions, there are no stupid ones?..."
At this point one of my coworkers stated " If your HIV positive person isawalking in a park and you walk under an acorn tree and a acorn lands on the top of your head and makes you bleed on the acorn and then that acorn grows into a tree and someone without HIV scratches themselves on the bark of the tree can you get HIV?"
You_Had_To_Be_There ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 12:44:03 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
My 9th grade Spanish teacher was this gringo in her 40s. Nice lady, a little on the hefty side. Seemed to carry weight in her gut way more than anywhere else on her body. She liked to wear mumu-type-gown-dress things.
Well, one day a few months into the school year, we had a substitute in her class. At the beginning of class, the sub announced, "My name is Mr. Rodriguez. Ms. Logan is could not be here today." Then some kid blurted out, "Maybe she's finally having that baby."
The class busted out with "oohs" that turned into laughter and left the sub standing there looking confused.
Ok I'm the one who blurted it out.
MrPartyRocket ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 12:45:44 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Deez nuts
Kholdie ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 12:46:03 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
My friend earned a 1 grade on a test on college. After the class, we're all going down the stairs, she's the last one, I stop and say to everyone: "Open the path, the number one is passing!"
BabyJesusFetus420 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 12:46:11 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
One of my friends was arguing and complaining about something stupid. It was going on for too long. My other friend says to him. "Thats terrible. A lesser man would complain about that more." He admittedly shutup
SGrumpy ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 12:47:00 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
In the Army a young gunner was caught walking across the grass by the RSM (Regimental Sargent-Major)
'Get off my fucking grass, you cunt!'
'I'm not on it Sir; I'm floating half an inch above it...'
RSM was gobsmacked and let him go on his way.
calhick3 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 12:47:24 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Everybody likes a little ass; nobody likes a smart-ass.
Jokesonyounow ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 12:48:20 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Me: "eat like a human"
3 yr old niece " which one?"
deadrabbits76 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 12:48:29 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
"Better a smart ass than a dumb ass."
gkiltz ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 12:48:32 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
You're not a CUNT!!
A cunt has both warmth and depth!
It is clear to anyone with a few working brain cells that YOU HAVE NEITHER!!!
whenido ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 12:51:34 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Hey Derp, what's up with <subject here>?
Oh, didn't I tell you?
No.
Oh. It must not have been any of your business then.
JeSuisNapolean ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 12:56:04 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Incredibly late but here goes: This came from my boss' 10 year old son at a work organised bring your family to the movies shindig. Once we finished up The Dark Knight, we all wandered across to the nearby bar where a function room was booked; security was promptly checking everyone's photo ID at the door, nothing unusual on the face of it really. That is until the boy behind me says, within clear earshot of the bouncers,"why are they checking ID if they just let me straight through? " Smart kid, apparently takes right after his mother
Grimripper69 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 12:58:08 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
If someone asks me an obvious question instead of replying "does a bear shit in the woods?" I say "is a frogs asshole water tight?.... if not thats one bloated frog"
IamScuzzlebut ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 12:58:30 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I work in a psychiatric ward and was smoking a cigarette with two of our patients. Conversation ran silent so I asked: "If you could be a superhero, which one would you be?"
The first said: "I would not be a superhero, I am Allah and have all the power in the world" (he always talks about being God: "I dont have to clean my room, I am Allah, the greatest God of all", etc).
The second one says: "I would be Gerhard McDodgernelson." He stands up and walks to the door and meanwhile I ask "Gerhard who? I have never heard of him?". He goes inside and looks back one more time: "I have." (closes door)
Perhaps you should have been there, but I laughed really hard.
Knotdothead ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 13:16:24 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Where's the part?
It's in your mouth and everybody is coming.
Phil330 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 13:25:42 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
My first week living in New York I was rushing down the Bowery to an appointment on East 2nd Street. (bad neighborhood at the time) It was the 1st day of Spring and there were several homeless guys on the street. Buried my gaze into the sidewalk and rushed past them nervously but one of the guys got up and followed me. He grabbed my arm and asked "buddy, do you have a match?" Very uptight me mutters "no, I don't smoke". He yells after me "I didn't ask you if you smoked, you could be a pyromaniac".
Foren_Sick ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 13:28:11 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
You eat sushi on Sundays.
Cha05_Th30ry ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 13:30:45 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
When I was 18 my best friend at the time who was 16 about to turn 17 was dating my 15 year old cousin. We went out to Denny's and the two of them got in an argument. My cousin sat at a separate table from Mike and I. I kept trying to get her to come over and sit next to us. Then all of a sudden a girl at the table behind us with about 5 of her friends leans over the booth and says Girl: excuse me how old are you" Me: "18, why?" Girl: "How old is she?" Me: "15." Girl: "Don't you think you're a little old to be hitting on a 15 year old?" Me: "actually she's my cousin." Girl: "Oh." Mike: "Gee don't you feel like an idiot, maybe you should mind your business and not stick your nose in other people's business, that way you won't make an ass of yourself in front of all your friends."
Mrtimc ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 13:31:26 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
At work one day the young work said this gem to the sales rep who was talking smack. " if you want you're cumback it's on you're mums chest ".
boxlessthought ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 13:31:34 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
In a wood shop class with the classic wood shop teacher who was missing a finger. Kid was disrupting class and the teacher yell: "do you think you're better than me". The kid says yes, and when the teacher retorts "oh yeah prove it" or something to this nature and the kids responds, "I can wiggle all ten fingers" standing up and wiggling his fingers up in front of his face.
It was at this point that the kid bolted out the classroom door as the rest of us all starred slack jawed at the teacher. Class was dismissed early. I never saw that kid again.
lthornton20 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 13:33:16 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
A woman I was having lunch with asked for a Pepsi. Waitress responded with the usual "is Coke ok?". My lunch mate says "Is monopoly money ok?". It was tongue in cheek but I was speechless at first
BurnoutByNight ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 13:34:08 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
look down at own ass "you hear that? They called you smart!"
coregmrconman ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 13:35:37 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
This dude I knew was quite the loudmouth and his own hype machine.
Now I'm not a looker. In fact I could be considered unattractive. So there is about 10 of these friends and such in this RV at a race track because it started to really rain. This dude comes in and immediately starts talking about if it wasn't for the rain he was going to be getting with this chick. Everyone is kinda annoyed but he wont stfu.
Finally I Get up, get in his face and say "How does it feel to be in this RV with me and all these people and still be the ugliest mother fucker here?" ...and walked outside and all i heard was 5 minutes of heckling laughter at the guy.
Freddie_Does_Dallas ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 13:37:45 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
"I'd call you a cunt but you lack the warmth and depth"
Zatch1313 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 13:41:02 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
At work one day and some douche bag that had just started working there starts shadow boxing. 80 year old co-worker asks him what he's doing. "I'm a boxer" he says. Without even pausing to take a breath "son, from the looks of it, you couldn't box apples and oranges. Now do some fucking work." RIP Joe.
Mr_DramaQueen ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 13:42:23 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
My brother was trying to make fun of me at a family dinner and asked me, "dude when did your hands get so big?" And without hesitation I said, "when they had to catch up to my DICK" I said that way too loud in a public diner, but 13 year old me thought it was worth it.
Donieguy ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 13:43:09 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Someone was staring off into space and got asked, "What are you looking at?" The person replied, "Not you bitch!" Everyone around this person just started going, "Ohhhh!!! Wrecked!"
southPhillyfrank ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 13:43:58 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
jerk store
hstueckler ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 13:44:33 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
"Are you hitting on my girlfriend? "
"You don't want me to talk to your girlfriend? "
"No. "
"Get an ugly girlfriend. "
zfooking ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 13:47:42 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Patty was mad and asked Jamie, "Did you tell David I was stupid?"
Jamie,"No, I didn't tell him anything of the sort. I don't know how he found out."
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 13:49:00 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)*
When I was 18 and finishing school my teacher asked me what I was planning on doing...
Me: Probably just go to sleep.
Her: But who's going to support you?
Me: My bed.
cuntflapaficionado ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 13:57:35 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
We were coming back from a trip and my sister tells my nephew that as soon as we get home he needed to put the trash out to be picked up the next day, nephew responds with classic teenage attitude " I know already, you don't need to remind me". He could have ended there but the he continues with "I was already planning on it, I'm actually looking forward to it ". I just turned and look at him thinking , how full of shit he is, he looks at me and just grins.
Choccybizzle ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 13:58:39 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
'Take a picture of us on your phone' 'I don't have ugly people on my phone' 'Not a fan of selfies then?'
PedroAlvarez ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 13:59:33 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The owner of the company I used to work had to pay out a harassment lawsuit for telling his employee he would shove his fist so far up his ass he would pull china out.
leitey ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 14:07:45 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Someone called this guy a ding dong. Without hesitation he said "thanks! I'm full of cream and girls love me!"
jeihkeih ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 14:09:35 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
[True Story] I was taking a pic with my ex and Muhammad Ali, he asks her "That your boyfriend?" She says yes. "You could do better..." Classic.
Sorathez ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 14:13:29 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Friend playing assassin's creed 2.
Is running from guards and says "SOMEONE IS FASTER THAN YOU!" To the screen.
He promptly runs into a wall and gets slaughtered.
Me: "Yes. But it's not you. "
beekay86 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 14:14:47 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
During high-school, a new teacher came to our class, it was a rowdy all boys class, anyhow, she was making her welcoming speech and goes on to say,'...I'll endure everything...', one of the smart ass cut her out and blurted,'dick too?'.. It all happened in Urdu since this is a Karachi story..
Sick__muse ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 14:14:53 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
In my high school economics class the teacher had assigned my seat behind a kid that stood over 6ft tall. I, being 5'0, couldn't see the board. I had asked to be moved to no avail. Tired of not being able to see one day I decided to use some of my text books as a booster seat.
The teacher stops his lecture mid sentence and asks me why I'm sitting on my books, if I was trying to lean via osmosis or something. Without skipping a beat I said "Yes sir, I'm going to be a real smart ass." He wasn't even mad, just laughed. He reassigned my seat the next class.
ranga1992 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 14:15:13 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
My friend in high school told a teacher he had a stick up his ass, he said she couldn't come back to his class until she apologised. She missed many many classes until they ran out patience, so she finally apologised and said "sorry you have a stick up your ass". I bloody love her for being such a smart-ass
Rudem3 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 14:21:18 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Something I said actually.
Our high school had an organized TPing of the trees at our school for Homecoming as long as we cleaned up the paper a few days after. So as we were cleaning it up, an office administrator came outside and said
Her: Don't forget to rake the leaves too
Me: I don't remember throwing leaves in the trees!
I was an asshole but all my friends thought it was hilarious.
Megacamz86 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 14:21:45 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
A guy in my mathematics class in high school was asked to give the answer to an equation featuring Pi and algebra.
He answered. "Pi r farter"
Datsyukia ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 14:22:08 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I have one friend who, if I start going into too much detail over a small question he asked, will respond by saying, "We don't need to hear your life story buddy!"
TheTravisaurusRex ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 14:22:08 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
A friend to his pain in the ass coworker bitching about the company buying pizza for everyone-"Shut the fuck up is gluten free, add that to your diet."
The_Vandal_King ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 14:22:10 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Was heading to a local pizza shop with my uncle for lunch. The shop only had curbside parking. He drives a chevy truck and was parallel parking into a tight spot. A man noticed, presumably because he owned one of the cars walked over to the driver side window and yelled better not hit my car. My uncle looks at the guy and says, "why don't you do what I'm doing". The guy says "what's that?" Without hesitation, my uncle said " minding my own fucking business". It helps that my uncle is a 6'4" behemoth of a man, so that guy just turned around and walked away.
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 14:22:26 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
University professor walks by with colleagues, says to my group of friends walking by, "and here we have a bunch of geniuses.", to which I retort, "GENIUII, geniuii..."
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 14:24:04 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Teacher and kid in my class. Teacher goes: L, you could ruin a day in the park. L: I don't even go to the park.
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 14:28:00 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
In the UK we have a spectacles and glasses shop called Specsavers. They have made funny adverts with ppl mistaking objects and things because of their poor eyesight. So they have a tagline at the end of their ads. Whilst on a lunch break a friend and I were cruising through town for lunch and walked passed a Specsavers shop only to see an older gentleman walk towards the store and somehow walked into the giant windows. Everyone was in shock and a split second later my friend shouted out 'hahaha you should have gone to Specsavers...' this was the shops tagline. All to the amusement of all involved and surrounding pissing ourselves
Luggage-12345 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 14:28:53 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I was volunteering at a local Boys and Girls Club with about 20 10-13 year old students in a 1000 sf ft room teaching Lego Robotics when all of a sudden an Amber Alert came across all the phones in the room at once. All of the kids reach for their phones and most of the kids look concerned. One of my students that is possibly autistic but really really smart is looking at his phone longer than the other students. About 10 seconds after the alert has gone off on his phone and he is looking at his phone deep in thought. He says the following in his best Wayne Campbell from Wayne's World voice
"I just wish there was some way for me to tell them...THAT I DON'T CARE!!!"
The room erupts with laughter. The students are looking at him as if he is out of focus but realize he says things a little different.
*Links have been added to help with cultural context for Reddit users not here in the United States or familiar with Autism.
beanz415 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 14:34:03 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
One time when I was like 10 or 12, I went to a friend's house with a new haircut. My friend's bald dad asked me what happened to all my hair. By pure reflex, no thought involved, I replied "What happened to all of yours?" I still feel like a dick to this day, ~20 years later.
gotnonickname ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 14:35:14 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
While having steak for dinner as a kid, I said the meat was tough. Dad quips, "Tougher if you didn't have it". That one stung a bit.
PinkMama2015 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 14:36:50 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Both my dad
Me: dad I lost 20lbs Dad: don't worry, you'll find them. Other
Mom: blah blah work Dad: heidi, you couldn't manage a headcold
Dad for the win
ThinkInMusic ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 14:42:05 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
A teacher (with cross eyes) shouted at my friend to LOOK WHERE YOU ARE GOING my friend told him to GO WHERE YOU ARE LOOKING
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 14:45:10 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
A long time ago, I was a residence hall director and the town the university was in had experienced a powerful storm that knocked trees down over power lines all through the area.
Power was out for a week. It was crazy.
The university opened up one of the residence halls to house power line workers from neighboring states who were sent in to help restore power to the area.
But of course, the residence hall had no power as well.
So, I'm working in the lobby with some of my RAs to check in these line workers when one of the linemen, a huge burley guy, asks one of my RAs in an indignant tone "why aren't any of the lights on in here?"
She looks him dead in the eye and without missing a beat responds with "because you haven't fixed the power yet!"
I lost my shit and busted up laughing.
Folamh3 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 14:47:57 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
This girl I know used to know this guy who was a bit of a creep, always asking her weird questions and asking for nudes. He was also a bit on the heavy side. One day he asked her "Hey, you're a lesbian. I was wondering, do lesbians get turned on from looking at their own breasts?" She replied "I don't know, do you?"
as208 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 14:52:17 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
My cousin and I were rewatching The Patriot recently and at the very end the black guy says to Mel Gibson "your son told me we could create a new world for all men" or something like that. Before I knew what I was saying I popped off with "yeah, you're gonna have to wait about four-score and seven years for that." It was the most perfect comment I have ever said.
Gnonthgol ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 14:58:53 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
At a lecture the professor had just asked a question to the ~300 students attending and nobody answered. He followed it up with "Come on, the first person to say something clever gets a case of beer". A student then replied "Thank you".
BangerBeanzandMash ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 14:58:58 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
One time I was riding in the car with my mom and older brother. For some reason they were in a semi heated argument. I don't remember what was said to cause this but basically my mom said "Why do you always have to be such a smart ass?" My brother just gave this evil chuckle and said "I'd rather be a smart-ass than a dumb-ass." Really pretty simple, but my 11 year-old mind was blown.
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:08:42 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
At a summer camp I met some fellow, who was really dead on, and on the last day, just as I was leaving, he said to me "You're company has been borderline satisfactory"
To which I replied, "The pleasure was all yours"
kcherry621 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:09:59 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
My buddy and I overheard someone bragging at a car show, so he asked the guy if his ass ever got jealous of all the shit that comes out of his mouth.
Glaucoma_suspect ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:11:14 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
To our boss: you went to Bora Bora? More like boring boring.
IRONCLAD66 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:11:45 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Heard a comedian say this to a heckler. "Maybe if your dick was as big as your mouth you would have a better looking date."
Catflap_Boi ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:17:25 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
"I'd rather be a smart arse than a dumb arse"
splipps ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:17:36 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Fifth grade and a kid was wearing a U of M pleather jacket. Girl tells him she loves the coat and she was going to get one until her quarter got stuck in the machine.
pridejoker ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:18:24 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Who's your favorite champion in league of legends?
The uninstall wizard
EntoBrad ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:26:15 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
A friend to his mum when she said he had an answer for everything.
"of course I do, why would I get in an argument if I couldn't back myself up"
cwood1973 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:27:34 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
About 10 years ago the family was gathering over the Christmas holidays. After a few rounds of eggnog the conversation turned to crazy aunt Freda (not her real name).
The family is tough on Freda and my mother (Freda's sister) was trying to defend her. "She's just a very sentimental person" my mother says.
Without missing a beat my uncle fires back "more 'sental' than 'mental.'"
(To clarify, this uncle is from a different side of the family - not Freda's husband or brother).
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:33:05 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
"Oh! Lol you did X, Pan? HAAAHAAHAHAH"
kogasapls ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:39:17 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)*
On math stack exchange, one user is known for posting accurate answers to very tough problems very quickly, without any proof or work shown. Someone said that those answers were worthless without the proof. She responded with:
"The easiest one is to work in an axiomatic system that accepts it as an axiom. I prefer this approach when I know the result. Therefore, the full proof is given here."
kaylameow_ ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:44:23 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Was at the farmers market back in the summer. Waiting in line for some home made donuts, I hear a kid behind me complaining about the heat. His mom says "We're almost done, just relax," and he says "I'm sooo glad we walked here instead of taking the car."
Kid was probably 6. He did the best eye roll when he said it. Mom just ignored him completely. More self control than me!
toughduck53 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:44:42 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)*
Yourur smarter then 40 % of people.TheWalkingDudette ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 21:45:05 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
You're*
Blmdh20s ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:46:18 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I had a coworker walk up from behind and said rather loudly "What are you doing?!" without missing a beat I responded "It's called hard word. You should try it sometimes.". Everyone around started laughing.
Make-It-So-Number-1 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:49:59 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Hey George the ocean called, they are running out of shrimp.
Lowery91 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:52:36 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Better to be a smart-ass than a dumb-ass. Short but sweet whenever someone calls you a smart-ass.
Chrisis_ ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:52:55 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
In English class in 8th grade I sat next to a pretty rebellious, smart-ass kid (C). Our teacher had just checked homework and a made a remark about how this kid never had his homework and kind of just put him on the spot in front of the class. So, when she had her back turned to check another table's homework, C decided to give her the middle finger. The teacher saw and asked him how "spending the rest of the day in the principal's office sounds?" C said "it sounds better than staying in here all day" and walked out.
Link-to-the-Pastiche ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:14:41 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Not the best, but maybe the most memorable:
I'm friends with a married couple who are swingers, and they are very open about it. Within 30 minutes of meeting them you'll figure it out if they don't straight up tell you.
A couple of years ago the wife announced on Facebook that she was pregnant. I was having dinner with half a dozen mutual friends so I shared the news. Another exact same time 4 of them responded with, "who's the father?"
blue_27 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:16:54 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
"You're a smart-ass."
...
"Better than being a dumb-ass."
swimmerboy29 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:26:34 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I was with my friend and his mom going to the movies, and she told him to put some stuff in the bag they keep attached to the dash board for trash. "Okay mom, get in."
tomparker ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:27:13 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
About to leave my office, "Well, I've taken up enough of your time..... ... .. and vice versa."
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:31:01 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)*
A sociology class in community college. The adjunct professor was a real piece of work. So this guy, right? He's talking about the pronouns movement, and the prof gets on his ass about using the wrong ones, and outs herself as, no joke, transracial other kin. Without missing a beat, he pops off with a "Well I'm transorry. I'm not sorry, but I identify as someone who is." I was just... Floored. We both got booted from the class. Totally worth it.
man_the_human ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:49:05 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
"Well at least you're not upset" said in response to someone that was very upset
Rob_da_Mop ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:51:58 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
"Messing around in lessons won't help you in life you know."
"Nor will art."
JimmyR42 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:55:38 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
This is paraphrasing a quote from Cyrano de Bergerac, the wittiest romanced character in history, the original is in french.
"This is what you could have said my brave
if only you knew a few words and possessed sufficient wit.
But of your wit not even an atom exists, and of your words
you only possess those that defines you as stupid."
-Edmond Rostand, Cyrano de Bergerac
.
Original Quote : "Voila ce qu'ร peu prรจs, mon cher, vous m'auriez dit
Si vous aviez un peu de lettres et d'esprit:
Mais d'esprit, ร le plus lamentable des รชtres,
Vous n'en eรปtes jamais un atome, et de lettres
Vous n'avez que les trois qui forment le mot: sot! "
Dragonfudge ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:57:04 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Upon my sister in law asking my sister to leave, she spun on a heel and said, "What? And miss all of your personality?"
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:59:31 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I was bartending and there was this couple, going on and on about how this music festival that was being held the following weekend just wouldn't be the same this year. Turned out one of the founders named Lester had died.
I said, "Well, guess it's gonna be a Les-less festival this year!"
They didn't leave a tip.
ImReallyFuckingBored ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:59:48 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
At retail store I used to work at there was an asshole customer in one cashiers line. He just kept talking shit to the guy saying he didn't know what he was doing and how he was retarded and stuff. Cashier said something I guess because next thing I hear.
"Hey, your lucky I don't come behind that counter and kick your ass!"
"Yeah it's a good thing there's all this bulletproof glass between us otherwise I'd think you're a bitch."
More yelling and eventually the guy left and cashier got fired.
uncle_stinky ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:06:52 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I use this one at times - someone says, "well, I believe," I usually say, "When I want your opinion, I'll give it to you."
4ThaLolz ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:09:25 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
My cousin has a 15 year old, and a 3 year old, both girls. The 3 year old has been picking up on the 15 year olds sass and back talk. One day my cousin asks the 3 year old to to something and she said "um, no I don't wanna, thank you for asking." And my cousin looks at her and says "Don't you start talking back to me, do it please." The 3 year old picks up her toy she's playing with and yelled "Don't you start talking front to me!" And walked out of the living room. We looked at each other and just started busting up laughing.
xv9d ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:10:16 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
My own mother once said to me, "xv9d, I'm not as dumb as you look."
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:11:22 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
My company pays for a swanky holiday dinner, me and my 15 other coworkers are sitting around the table, drinking, feeling good. We have a very eclectic group, religiously speaking, so joking about religion was never really taboo with us.
The new guy and his girlfriend are sitting quietly when my boss (a Muslim) said something about "Yeah, I'll do [thing] when I eat pork."
New guy opens mouth to say something, then pauses. I was training him, so he leaned over and said "I was gonna make an Islam joke."
Without missing a beat, one of our servers just does a drive-by and says "I'll take a hiJAB at it," and then he was gone.
souponastick ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:12:16 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
In my HS chemistry class the teacher was quizzing us on the elements by asking people 2 at a time to come up to the board and write the abbreviation of the element he called out.
He asked one guy to go up there and the kid, very politely, said "I'm sorry. I don't know any of them."
The teacher made him go up to the board still, so after given the element the student wrote "Fu" on the board and sat back down.
areafiveone ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:21:19 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
A friend of mine talking to his dad and said he hoped something would happen. The dad said "Hope in one hand and shit in the other. See which one fills up first"
TheTruckWashChannel ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:22:15 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
In algebra class we were reviewing rational functions, and the teacher asks for all the names for a zero of a polynomial. One kid raises his hand and says "asymptote", to which the teacher replies "well you can get kicked in the asymptote!"
AssholeBot9000 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:31:00 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
That's not even clever... that's literally just hearing a word with ass in it and saying you are going to kick them in it...
supercrusher9000 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:23:44 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
In 7th grade I started up a little company (consisting of friends) to help manage a free gaming site. Well we hadn't gotten to the point of making any money and my short tempered friend out of nowhere says " I was making 10 times as much money at my mine craft server". Then my smart ass friend says "first name you have made 0 dollars here, 10 times 0 is still 0...
tallica_babe ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:24:12 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
My friend was in a university lecture and she answered one of the teachers questions. Another student then very loudly started making fun of my friends voice. She ended saying "Your voice is so harsh" without missing a beat my friend replied "F*** Off is that harsh enough for you"
dsjunior1388 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:24:13 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
My mom was babysitting my nephew. He was about 3.
They were plying a cutesy grandma game where she would tell him she loves him, he tells her he loves her and they go back and forth.
She puts the food down on the table and says "Mason, I love you!"
And he sighs and says "Just eat."
CraigMack78 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:25:30 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Your ass must be jealous of all the shit that comes out of your mouth.
Dymarob ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:27:09 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
One time on Christmas Eve, I was trying to convince my parents to let us open the presents early.
After awhile, I ended up blurting out "Come on, Present means right now, y'know."
We all laughed pretty hard at that.
stefonio ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:30:38 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I recently got turned down for a date, and one of the people in my pep band section was making a big deal about how I got rejected by me first college girl. This of course attracted the attention of another guy in the band.
Him: "I want to help, but I've never gotten rejected from a college girl."
Me: "Have you even tried?"
superfrank1 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:33:01 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
A kid in my Hebrew school class once was getting yelled at for goofing off repeatedly. The teacher said "I'm done! What's not clear about done?" And the kid responded "the o and the e"
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 20:00:46 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
wut
Trebster375 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:36:08 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Scottish teacher asked the class "does anyone know an oxymoron" guy responds, "an intelligent Scotsman"
Same teacher gets asked "what's does competent mean" she responds "people say I'm a competent teacher" guy says quick as a tac "what people?"
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:36:15 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
My sister had just said something dumb without thinking and I revel in making her feel uncomfortable, so I gave her a look.
Her: "Don't judge me!" Me: "I'm not Judging you, Liz, I'm already dissappointed."
officerha ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:37:46 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Not a smart ass Comment but a smart comment. My 3 year old niece reading the alphabets. I asked her "what is E for?" And she paused for a bit and said "you know."
aJrenalin ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:38:44 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I was in an English lecture and the lecturer was talking about double negatives and she pointed out how it's interesting that a double negative makes a positive but a double positive doesn't make a negative, then this one kid loudly says "yeah yeah" in a dismissive manner. Quick thinking and pretty funny, the class all laughed.
jonfaw ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:39:19 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Loudly, in a theater showing Aliens, when the alien mother runs Bishop through with a tentacle, "Queen takes Bishop, check!" First showing.
SavetheMegalodon ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:40:29 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
We had a small court house wedding. As I was signing the marriage certificate, my mom found out I was dropping my hyphenated last names. I opted instead to keep my middle name and adopt my husband's last name. I guess this hurt her ego a bit. So I told her not to worry since I would get my last names back after the divorce. The entire room just paused and my husband and I could not stop laughing. He gets my humor.
RootsandYutes ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:42:37 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
When I was around the age of puberty happening, I was playing rugby with some mates. I kicked the rugby ball up in the air for a mate who had a quite high pitched voice, to catch it. As it was in the air I shouted "your going to drop it", to which one of my other friends shouted "He wont drop that, he can't even drop his own balls"
ladyfriday ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:42:40 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
My friend was talking to her five year old daughter in the car before going into a shop. She said, "You have to be patient and let me shop. You can't behave like a wild animal." Her daughter said, very matter-of-fact, "I'm sorry, mommy, but that's just who I am."
paintsalesman ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:42:54 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
A retail clerk working by himself, was overwhelmed by a store full of people, on top of that he was trying to deal with an unruly customer.... The customer not getting the unreasonable demand that he wanted yells "Fu_k You!" at the clerk... and then the clerk responded "Well you can see that I'm a little busy right now, but check with me tomorrow, and I'll see if I can work you in."
Crayvara ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:45:50 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
You're not you when you're hungry. Grab a snickers and shove it up your ass, because of all the shit coming out of your mouth, it looks like your ass is going to do the eating now.
70MPG_onthishog ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:47:15 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
If I wanted any of your shit, I'd wipe it off my dick.
Chickentacosaregood ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:48:09 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I was walking down the hallway with one of my friends when a large sassy black girl bumps into him, she turns and says "you better watch out" he quickly responds with "you better not cry"
DarwinDanger ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:48:19 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Some girl was bothering my friend at a party in college. He was clearly not interested but she was drunk and getting a little too hand-sy.
He stood up, looked her right in the eye and said "Why don't you go fuck a cactus?", and walked away.
midnightyeti ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:51:36 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
You did.... OKAY.
doogedud ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:51:37 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
"If I wanted your opinion I would give it to you."
danielleidk ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:52:55 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
It was in a past relationship and I asked him to do something, that I had just done and he said "No I have self respect"
Tobotron ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:59:32 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Over heard an argument once, one of the participants repeats back something said in a childish voice . Then they get devastated by
"If I wanted my own come-back I'd wipe it off your mums chin"
OceanicSandDunes ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:01:12 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)*
I was once in history class, and my history teacher (who to all straight guys in the room was really sexy) bent over in a dress that she knew was way too short to be bending down like she was. Anyways,she bent over in front of the entire lass to pick up some books, and then she walked out of the class. the entire time you could see her cookie as she wasnโt wearing any underwear that day (i dont know why). and this one kid would not stop staring at her cooch when she bent down. as soon as she left the room i said โyo (insert name) i could see you really wanted to unzip her dress there you pervโ, and not two seconds later this girl at the front turned around to me and said โshut up (insert name), you know you like to unzip boys trousersโ. the entire class and myself were dying with laugher because of how true it is.
cowdawg ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:07:16 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
A couple weeks ago I was talking to one of my friends and she said "I'm not short I'm tall." That's when I said "Yeah, tall for a midget."
Treaduse ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:14:40 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
In 8th Grade PE Class our teacher made an announcement: "Okay everyone, you all need to know that your hearing tests are going to take place this afternoon..." Before he could finish his sentence a kind yells out the classic Dad joke "WHAT?!" And many people chuckle. Without missing a beat Mr. Muth responds with "That's Will Jackson everybody, spent all last night studying for this test!" Everyone instantly burst out laughing. It was a great back and forth moment of smart-assery
alwayzbored114 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:17:58 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Hanging out with a guy in one of my classes and working in a project, when some girl he hates walks by and makes a snide remark
"Oh, you're actually being productive? Good for you"
He looks up and responds "Well aren't you a sore for sight eyes"
"That's not how the phrase go--"
"I know"
that_can_eh_dian_guy ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:22:39 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
My favorite comes from Churchill! That guy sure had a quick witt about him. The way I have heard it is
Lady Astor: "Winston, you're drunk!"
Winston Churchill: "But I shall be sober in the morning and you, madam, will still be ugly."
Lady Astor: "Mr. Churchill, if you were my husband, I'd put poison in your tea."
Winston Churchill: "Madam, if I were your husband, I'd drink it."
Definitely an old one but still one of my favorite smart-ass comments ever.
Kolada ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:23:26 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
When I was in high school I had a class in which a friend of mine and I were not allowed to work together on group work because we we would always dick around. One day, the teacher told the class to pair up and work on something.
Teacher: I thought I told you two you couldn't work together.
Buddy: Don't worry Mr [teacher], we're not working.
taylorg360 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:46:47 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
When I was in middle school we had a substitute teacher and for some reason he asked us if someone does not drink or do drugs what does that make them? I immediately respond and say boring. The whole class is then silent and the teacher says no, healthy. Let's just say I was thoroughly embarrassed.
the_man_who_knocks ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:52:16 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Years ago I worked in the electronics department at a Wal-Mart in my hometown. One of my coworkers (who wasn't a manager, by the way) liked to boss people around and not do anything. One day, I was dusting off the display TVs and she walked up to me, looked at the TV I had just dusted, and said "I can still see dust on this TV." I looked back at her and simply said, "But can you see why kids love the taste of Cinnamon Toast Crunch?"
Very confused, she remained silent until I leaned in and added, "It's the taste you can see." She then walked off. Winning.
monkeyfist715 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:53:34 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
My favorite smart ass comment is when someone calls me a smart ass. I always respond with "It's better to be a smart ass than a dumb ass"
acedog11 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:54:52 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I heard 2 kids fighting, I'll write the fight Kid 1:"You suck dick!" Kid 2:"You too." Kid 1:"You spit!" Kid 2:"And you don't?" I have never seen a kid storm off so fast before..
Wheelerdealer75205 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:56:48 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
One time in my freshman year, my friend was humming the tune to a song and some girl who thought she was Beethoven commented "Stop humming, your a little flat." My friend being the smart-ass that he was calmly proceeded to reply "so are you."
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:28:24 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
It would've been hilarious if your friend pointed to his chest.
FaolanG ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:58:26 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Was playing video games with a friend and admittedly had been gaining a little bit of weight. I accidentally left my mic on and this followed:
Friend: "What are you eating man? It's like 2am?"
Me: "I'm chewing on ice."
Friend: "Jesus Christ you've gotten so fat you're eating your water now?!"
Legit laughed til a shameful tear rolled down my cheek.
Fat-autistic ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:01:57 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
My friend was talking back to his dad, dad says "If I wanted any lip from you I'd pull down my pants." Friends dad is awesome.
fredwardo44 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:02:17 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Upon seeing someone getting kicked out of the pub for being too drunk he shouts; "This is completely unfair! A restaurant doesn't kick you out for being too full!"
UncleFungus ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:03:40 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Seventh grade social studies class right after lunch. I let fly with a big yawn and throw a stretch in for good measure. Teacher asks, "Am I keeping you awake?". I said " No, you're putting me to sleep.". That'll be a detention.
showtimebabies ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:03:40 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
it was me, actually... a tour bus was having difficulty parking at the underground loading dock at the House of Blues Chicago, and blocking me and several more vehicles. after nearly ten minutes of back and forth, he gets out to see how much space he has. I roll down the window and shout, "what are you, the drummer?"
OuterSpiralHarm ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:04:32 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
My favourite is when someone beeps in a traffic jam in Essex and you hear "Save your horn for your wife!".
212temporary ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:07:20 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
This was in my high school English class. Our teacher was the football coach and ran a tight ship.
Teacher: "Alright, who did the reading last night?"
Two kids raise their hand in a class of 30.
Teacher, raising his voice and visibly irritated: "Really guys? You're almost adults. Get your act together. Stop procrastinating. Do your homework. You wanna act like kids? OK. Everyone get out a piece of paper and write down the assignment for tonight."
My buddy: "Eh, I'll do it later."
JWaitforit ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:08:22 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
In high school, a male teacher we had was below average looking at best who was married to this smoking hot blonde babe, pretty sure she was mail ordered. One of the kids ask him how the Mrs. Is doing, teacher said "she's fine, thank you" and without missing a beat, the same kid went "you're damn right she is!!"
DivineDinosaur ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:09:27 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
My friend goes to get his teeth clean, of course they ask him when he flossed his teeth. His response is, "Dunno, when was the last time I was here?"
caller-unknown ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:14:16 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I was working at a camp, and the 10 us were talking about the usual stuff, pokemon, and our obese boss, Jim. when we were discussing the gym leaders, the brightest of us declared that if we put our boss in a blender, we would have hundreds of Jim Litres
TheMeta40k ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:21:19 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
We were having serious issue with the reference laboratories at work, due to no fault of our own. I, being IT, get passed the blame torch.
Grumpy bitter office manager says " If one more thing goes wrong with 'the computers' I'm going to kill you"
Me: "that would be awfully ambitious of you to try"
Smiled and walked away. Later found out they double booked our user ID.
aperfectsong13 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:21:31 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
My parent's neighbor does yard work for them year round. Mowing lawn in the summer, raking leaves in the fall, plowing snow in the winter. My father is very critical of the work that is done, as there are a lot of unnecessary and expensive add-ons.
Keep in mind, the yard worker is close to my age, and has a VERY strong stutter.
One time the worker came unannounced and cut a lot of branches off of several trees and left a note with a price. My father came home angry and confused as to why this needed to be done. My mother told him what it would cost. And my father asked how she knew the price. My mother told him that the worker had left a note, to which my father replied "oh yeah, how many pages was it?"
TheJerseyDevil123 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:23:01 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
When my ex-wife and I started dating we were getting ready to go out to dinner after she got dressed she turns to me and says does this dress make me look fat I turned to her without skipping a beat and say no your fat makes you look fat
Riveslaw ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:23:11 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
My canned response to nasty letters: "Please be assured I will give your comments the consideration they merit."
Hyndergogen1 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:27:22 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Playing football and a teammate floored a guy when jamming him at the LOS. Guy gets up and after the play says "Hey, just keep going in with your arms extended like that, it'll make it easier to break." Teammate replies "I'll worry about my arms, you just worry about getting knocked on your ass again bitch"
stabbystabbysdownfal ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:30:52 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
In JROTC when the med class comes in to demonstrate how to properly bandage wounds. I ask if we should get Mr. Hurt out (our SASI has these life-size, life-like and life-weight dummies he calls Mr. Hurt), as we were preparing to practice on some of our cadets. He replies, "No, we already have plenty of dummies here" while gesturing around the classroom.
CTeam19 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:41:22 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
"My Dad always said 'two heads are better then one even if one is a head of cabbage.'"
sharpwatermelon ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:44:25 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Grandfather's standard reply to anyone telling him what they wished for, "Yeah well wish in one hand and shit in the other, let me know which one fills up first."
Sitting with a group of friends, girl says to guy, "I bet your dicks so small I couldn't feel it in my ear." guy replies, "Maybe we should try, might make you smarter."
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:46:26 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I was the best man and my dads wedding (he and my mum were never married). In my speech I said that "dad said if I do a good speech he will let me the be best man again at his next wedding". Everyone was laughing accept him
mattortz ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:48:07 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
At the beginning of a night class in college, my teacher was discussing with the class how we wanted to distribute 30 minutes into breaks. He gave us the option of two 15 minute breaks or three 10 minute breaks. I suggested thirty 1 minute breaks.
The teacher had to leave the class because he was cry-laughing.
dropkickderby ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:51:43 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
"What's best for me, Robert." "I thought your name was Brother." Me and a teachers exchange in a private christian school.
janelley811 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:52:44 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I work in real estate and have a few model homes that need to be opened / closed daily. I have 2 lazy co workers who never do it so I alwaysssss end up doing it.
Co worker: How do you feel about closing up the homes?
Me: Uhm the same way I feel every day..
dinosaurfoot ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:56:44 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
A guy was bragging to his friend about how many girls he hooked up with over the weekend, and a shy, timid girl walked past and said "and then you woke up"
Lokitusaborg ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 20:02:00 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
You must have delusions of adequacy.
Bearresilience ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 20:43:36 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
"You have beautiful hair."
"Thanks, I grew it myself."
I laughed my ass off and had a conversation with her. She said she learned it from her boyfriend who said the exact same line when she complimented his dick.
pooppartycrasher ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 20:49:45 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
My first day of high school the geo teacher asks "what is on the Canadian flag" I immediately yell out "marijuana" ... I was the fist kid in my year to get scent to the office.
locks_are_paranoid ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 20:58:05 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Teacher: "How do you find the square root of a fraction?"
Student: "You're the teacher, you should know this."
Turdfergason3 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 20:58:59 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
My aunt would watch us while my dad was at work and was a really cranky bitch, always used to tell us "no brains, no headaches!" when me or my siblings would make a simple mistake. Finally, either my brother or sister tells her "better than having shit for brains" after she says it for the millionth time and she lost it. It was great when she told my dad and all he did was laugh at her!
Jaxon1772 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 21:05:43 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I worked for the state, and had a coworker name George who would corner people (in the hall, your cube, and God help us all he would follow you into the men's room). He lassoed Worthy Curmudgeon Joe on his way to the bathroom, and Joe said: Modern science has not developed the instrument to measure my indifference.
CrimsonDante ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 21:08:30 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Back in my senior year in high school, my history teacher was planning on getting us class shirts. So he says out loud, "OK guys I'm going to ask you your SHIRT sizes so get ready." This one girl asks, "what for?" And I just said, "he's obviously getting us socks, dumbass." The teacher just laughed and gave me a thumbs up.
Bobbytom ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 21:10:46 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Late to the party but this was when I was 21 and on a date. Was driving to the movie theaters and a cop backed into my car when I was at a stoplight. After I pulled over and walked over to him there was an awkward silence so I said "so is this where I get to ask you for your license and registration"? I thought it was hilarious, him not so much...
Trupedo_Glastic ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 21:11:56 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I asked my wife if "PMS" means pre or post- mentrual syndrome. Her reply was: "depends on when you need it".
Imthebossapplesauce ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 21:15:00 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
After a long road trip:
Mom: okay if there's any trash in the car everyone bring in a piece
:Older sister grabs younger sisters hand:
OS: Got mine!
SimonCallahan ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 21:16:00 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
When I was in high school, I had a friend who liked to one-up people. Someone would say something and he would always respond with, "Oh yeah, (insert brag here)". One day, a bunch of us are hanging out and someone mentions having family in P.E.I., to which my friend states that he's related to 90% of the population of P.E.I. This caused me to reply with, "Dude, incest isn't something to be proud of".
This surprised everyone, including myself, because I usually can't come up with smart ass comments.
QuineQuest ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 21:20:14 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
fudgeripple ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 21:31:28 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
A little boy was eating a doughnut at the farmers market and his grandfather asked him what part he could have. "The hole"
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 21:38:17 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
in the dark knight rises: "This is a stock exchange! there is no money for you to steal!"
Bane: "Really? then why are you people here"
japodoz ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 21:50:50 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I am proud of this one: My friends and I all do stage crew and build the set for the theater productions at our high school. We have too many people and not enough jobs so I am standing around talking and waiting for something to do. Enrique, my hispanic friend, looks at me and jokingly says,"Japodoz, why are you so useless?" (we like to shit talk each other a lot) I channeled my inner redneck and retorted,"Bitch you're so useless Cuba didn't want you"
thelonioushunk85 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 21:52:14 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Went to a music festival and John McInroe's band was playing. He kept asking the crowd "what do you want me to play?" My friend shouted "play tennis!" The whole crowd lost it
RIGHTisPERCEPTION ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 21:57:23 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Mom: I hope that you have kids like you someday! Me: I bet Grandma said the same thing.!
heimdahl81 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 21:57:27 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
There were a bunch of people in a long line at an event and a cop was keeping order. This girl walks up and upset, asks the cop if that is the line for the event. The cop confirms. She says "You're joking!" The cop replies "No, if I was joking I would have said three guys walk into a bar, the fourth one ducks."
heimdahl81 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 22:07:58 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I was in a grad school class about teaching sex-ed and the teacher had us in groups going over a high school sex-ed test to see if we knew the answers. One question was "What is the average penis length?" (The answer is 5 inches) This attractive girl replies "7 inches". I immediately reply "My, aren't you ambitious."
thesocialsniper ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 22:21:00 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
One day my friend was fighting on the phone with a banker then suddenly i listen that comment. "Don't teach me how to fuck" I have my own 14 kids.
The_Flying_Spyder ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 22:21:26 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I automatically repond to the question "Whats up?" With "A two letter word indicating direction." I get very many blank looks.
MewtwoWeeaboo ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 22:41:43 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
On a forum topic about pillows:
"If I turn you over, will this thread be cooler? Because this thread is lame."
kusadama ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 22:43:06 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
When I was in middle school the swine flu epidemic was at its all time high and everyone is naturally freaking out like little shits. A student asks my history teacher, "Mr. D, aren't you afraid you'll catch the flue around all these kids?"
He looks her straight in the eyes and says
"Swine flu can't hurt steel" as he kisses his arms flexing.
rodtile ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 22:59:06 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
"Using the whole fist there doc?"
TheWhickerMan ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 23:00:14 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Ok, so me and my mates are in McDonald at around 2am, we are all drunk but not messy. Except my one Mate who is fucked up and decides dancing on the table is a good idea. An employee comes over all disgusted and says '' excuse me, this is a restaurant please get off the table '' My mate stops and looks here straight in the eye and says '' this might be a restaurant for your family, but....... '' . Then we pulled him the fuck down before he got us kicked out. Hahaha
Abragg2112 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 23:00:36 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Not really the most smart-ass, but certainly the most worth sharing:
In high school there was a kid who, on the first day of school as a freshman, was probably already smart enough to graduate (possibly long before). He apparently had quite the "night life", Runescape I believe, because he would always sleep in class. Teachers always bitched at him until one day a classmate said jokingly, "he's just praying".... He clung to it, and from that point forward he adamantly insisted that he "found peace in constant prayer". It remained that way until graduation. The teachers stopped caring before the end of Freshman year, because what do you do about the smartest kid in your class being the one that sleeps straight through it... I've seen him awake between classes, but never in class.
crackerman171 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 23:12:57 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Client: What the hell! I tried getting a first class seat for my flight and they're sold out. That's stupid! Me: Wow... I wish my eyes where bigger so they could role back farther.
PM_ME_UR_NETFLIX_ ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 23:17:28 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
One kid in my Spanish class that is an absolute dick. It's the day before Halloween and we're talking about our costumes and parties n' shit. He gets super pissed of and yells "IT'S NOT HALLOWEEN YET FUCKWADS!" for no reason. Some chick in the background responds with "Then why are you wearing a mask?". Everybody begins breaking out into laughter.
Deathoftheages ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 23:32:17 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
A black co-worker and I were talking about my old neighborhood and that I still had some black friends from there. This new kid from a small town was listening to the convo and with a little pain in his voice said "Ya I used to have a black friend too" the way he said it caused the black dude to ask "well what happened to him?" the kid looked up and without missing a beat said "My grandpa sold him" and proceeded to walk away with a smile while me and my coworker flipped out laughing at what he said and the balls he had to say it. The black dude was built like a line backer without a gut just huge.
H3GG13 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 23:34:03 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
'I like your hair today' 'Thanks, I grew it myself'
jet645 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 23:44:40 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
When a teachers says "don't g smart with me" say to late I'm already a genius
hell0kelsey ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 23:46:26 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
On a road trip to Florida a couple years ago my brother and my sister where having some stupid argument over who knows what. At one point in the argument my sister got frustrated with my brother and told him to put a sock in it.My brother proceeded to take of his insufferably smelly sock and stuck it right in her mouth.
satan__clause ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 23:48:26 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
In one of my classes my best friend (who's a bit of a smart ass) was getting yelled at by the teacher (who's a dick sometimes), and after the teacher finished yelling, my friend just says "Mr. [name], your tie's not straight." The teacher responds within half a second and just says, "You're not straight!". For the rest of the class the teacher was sitting at his desk telling us about how he 'didn't mean it that way' and that 'he would never say that'. One of the best days of my high school career, hands down.
jakob777 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 23:56:33 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
You look like Dr.Phil ate Dr. Phil. - To a large friend of mine that indeed look like that.
GeebusNZ ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:01:43 on November 16, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Not to you she didn't.
Dynafesto ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:13:31 on November 16, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
A couple kissing in public and someone yells "Get a room!". The kissee yells " Get a girl!"
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:13:48 on November 16, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
ITT: A fuckin' armory of one-liners for the rest of my life.
OccamsMallet ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:17:54 on November 16, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
From Cricket: One of the all time great bowlers, Glen McGrath was getting frustrated at being unable to dismiss little known Zimbabwean cricketer Eddo Brandes.
McGrath: โWhy are you so fat?โ
Brandes โBecause every time I fuck your wife, she gives me a biscuit.โ
Eva4ever28 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:33:19 on November 16, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I couldn't stand this bitch. I was complaining about taking the trash out in the rain and this co-worker says -"What's wrong? You afraid you'll melt?".
Blh49 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:39:56 on November 16, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
"What happened to my hat?" "Maybe it's with my dignity" "Oh, so lost forever."
Pragmataraxia ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:41:31 on November 16, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
At the front of the Tiger exhibit at the zoo was a large window with a pool in front of it. A mother turned to her daughter and said "See, they put that water there to keep the tiger away from the window."
The daughter replied, "I don't think so; tigers like the water."
With as much condescension as she could muster, the mother asked, "Oh yeah? Where did you read that?"
"In a book... about tigers."
My wife and I tried our best not to let the woman hear our derisive laughter while gesturing cheers to the girl.
Moms_Linguini ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:48:05 on November 16, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Got in an argument with my homeroom teacher. Everyone in the class hates her.
At one point of the argument, she asks "Do you know whats different between you and me?"
I respond saying: "An extra chromosome."
Detention for a week is a least of your problems when you stand up to a bitch teacher.
Akihirohowlett ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:56:36 on November 16, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
My senior year, my government teacher was casually talking with us about what people from each state was called (New York=New Yorker, Texas=Texan, etc.) and he realized that he didn't know what people from Utah are called. My friend sitting next to me instantly said our little box of friends (it was four of us sitting in a box formation and we would constantly crack jokes with each other) "Mormons."
Mz_Ktlyn ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:03:47 on November 16, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
A friend of mine said this the other day and I nearly died.
"I'd call you a cunt, but you lack the depth and the warmth."
datamonger ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:07:37 on November 16, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
A coworker of mine, who just turned 21 and is the youngest on my shift, came in and commented on something. My response was "children are meant to be seen, not heard." It was my finest moment at work.
Fiesty_Tiger ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:21:19 on November 16, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
My oh so sassy gay co-worker proceeded to use the comeback "Honey, if I can take a dick, I can take a joke" after she jokingly insulted him about eating too much.
Aceguynemer ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:24:31 on November 16, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
One time me and my mother were in an argument (was in middle school) and she said I was behaving so badly that she was gonna send me to a disciplinary school. I look her right in the eye and said "You're bluffing". Everyone had a good laugh and I never got sent to such a school.
Another time I was having lunch with some classmates and one of the girls was being argumentative with me and being all smart. So in a voice growing in volume I go "Jessica, you should get slapped in the face" and at about this time she starts presenting one of her cheeks like she was daring me. And I finished with "WITH A DICK!" Everyone starts laughing at the table but her (she had a rather shocked look on her) and one guy even had milk shoot out of his nose and was like oh damn...
One time at work I was serving a table of a really old couple and the guy looked like he hadn't had a laugh in ages. So when he asked me what kind of chicken was in the chicken salad, I told him Dead Chicken. His wife liked it alot but not him.
At my montessori school, we had 6th grade graduation for whatever reason and the teachers wrote speeches about each student and read em to all of the families and stuff. She was going awfully slow so I just started to read what she had to say about me before she would say it. She slapped my head and said I was making her look bad. Like she didn't know what she wanted to say about everybody she'd known for the past 3 years.
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:34:40 on November 16, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
"The 2 months that I've known you, I've forgotten more than you'll ever learned "
becausefythatswhy ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:41:41 on November 16, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I'm not trying to self-promote myself, but last summer I was applying for this super competitive investment banking internship. Well, during the superday interview, they analysts took us to lunch. It is the week of valentine's day, so this guy start asking the interviewee's what their plans are for valentine's day:
"Do you have any plans yet?"
"Yeah..."
"What about you? Any hot dates?"
"Yeah, man...this girl from Tinder"
He then points to me and say:
"becausefythatswhy, do you have any hot dates?"
I say:
"I have a girlfriend, but she is kinda hot, so I guess I think I have a hot date, yeah..."
I'm very sure that joke is what made me get an offer from them.
GoRidersGo ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:56:43 on November 16, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
17 year old me thought it would be a great crack to tell my mom if she got old I should look into euthenssia. She looks at me and comes back with "The longer I know you the more I believe in abortion. "
atomic1fire ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:34:18 on November 16, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I was in a diversity class in college.
Class was currently on the subject of sexism.
Girl student: Some people still believe women belong in the kitchen.
Black guy student: WELL WHY AINT YOU
entire class roared.
I mention the dudes race because I'm not sure he would've got away with that if he was white. It was hilarious though and I think the teacher (an older lady) even laughed.
Different day same class
Class is talking about irish stereotypes, and there's a irish person in a newspaper picture holding a knife as if "irish people are bad" in the slide show.
Same girl as before: THATS THE BIGGEST LEPPERCAUN I HAVE EVER SEEN.
entire class roared again.
No learning was had in that classroom.
Volt1968 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:06:50 on November 16, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
My boss walks in wearing a suit. I ask: "Now that Wards is out of business, where are you going to buy your suits?"
MoarGhosts ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:37:10 on November 16, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
When one of the first Harry Potter movies came out me and my friend sat and talked too much through it like the annoying little kids we were. A lady in front of us turned around and told us to be quiet, so we kind of did but pretty much kept going. She turned around again and said she would get us kicked out. I pulled my flip phone out, unscrewed the antenna, extended it then waved it like a wand and said "Expelliarmus!"
She got up and moved seats.
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:53:34 on November 16, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
This kid was bullying a nerd and the teacher said...
Teacher: You shouldn't bully him because he might be your boss one day.
Nerd: That sounds like an insult to me, because I won't need to work at McDonalds.
iltwrrmbro ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 04:30:59 on November 16, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
My high school class was about 60. In freshmen year, my last class had 7 people in it. It was at the end and we were talking about this kid, Ian. He was homeschooled so he wasn't good at socializing. We were talking about how much of a dork he was when out teacher came over and told us to stop, probably because she was the dork in school. She said to at least not talk about him in class, so when the bell rang, I walked out and yelled "GOD IAN'S A FUCKING DORK!" down the hall so loud it echoed.
Twin-KSA-Turbo ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:47:39 on November 16, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Cool story bro.
VanillaSarsaparilla ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 04:35:18 on November 16, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Fight with a girl whose friends with my friend,c. 2007
Her: I have plenty of balls
Me: So go choke on them and stop bothering me
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 06:11:59 on November 16, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Mid-debate in my history class in high school, my partner is arguing with the know-it-all true-to-the-books real-life Hermione Granger. She gets frustrated with him and tells him he's putting words in her mouth. He retorts "I'm not trying to put anything in your mouth."
Ravenboi777776 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:35:00 on November 16, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Having a heated debate with a lady at a table during a wedding. Cuzโ Iโm like that. She was a lady who had a major sense of entitlement. She was going on a rant about how happiness is a choice. As someone who, and whose family, is very experienced with mental health issues, I took exception to this.
I discuss my childhood self-esteem issues. She asks (I mean, it sounds like a question, but is really a statement), โWhy? Why do you care about what other people think?โ My response: โBecause I am a fucking decent human being.โ
Her husband just sat there and let me go to town on her.
a-curious-monkey ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 20:15:00 on November 16, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Pulled over by Police in Germany off the autobahn in the middle of the night because I had English plates on my van. Had all the paperwork for my delivery, was driving through the night fueled by pro-plus and redbull and not gonna make my delivery to hamburg airport in time. The two German cops were obviously bored and start asking for documents I didn't need or have which were in my office. After 45 minutes of back and forth the 2nd cop is pulling the inside of the van apart whilst the first guy asks over and over for the registration document for the van which is stored at home in the office safe. On the 6th time of asking where are you coming from and where are you going I finally snap and say "your mother's and probably to jail"...
2nd cop in the van nearly wets himself and gets out. They have hands on their holstered Glocks and I think I'm in really deep shit now. They have a conversation in German, look at me, smirk, and tell me to fuck off you cheeky English man.
Coffee-Anon ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 21:47:59 on November 18, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
We were talking about fire safety in class one day in about 6th or 7th grade. The teacher asked: "So what does it mean if you smell smoke in your house?" with out missing a beat, my friend called out "DINNER!"
Pterocles ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:44:22 on March 26, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
The ones I'm most proud of:
My manager had lost his finger tip in a patty-making machine a few months back, and we were temping water to make super-frozen tuna.
Coworker: Why do we use analog thermometers? They're so hard to read.
I looked at my boss and said, "Some of us are digitally challenged."
Also, when I was in middle school I was a jerk to my little brother and teased him for being overweight.
My older brother got home from a school trip, and my mom (sarcastically) shouted, "The prodigal son has returned! Bring the fattened calf!"
Naturally, I shouted for my little brother. I've never eaten so much soap.
And my parents were missionaries, hence the biblical reference.
Crook_Lid ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:30:09 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Me and my old mate were being chewed out by our history teacher in high school because we were basically the shitheads of the class. During his rant our teacher said, "I mean, take a look at yourself..." and my friend stood back, looked down at himself and said, "What, literally?". Took so much effort for me not to cry with laughter!
Eltiah ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:36:55 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Professor - "You dress like you're homeless!" Student - "Takes one to know one"
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:42:13 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
"I almost went to spacecamp so I am almost a doctor"
The_Karate_Emu ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 06:38:27 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Can I talk about myself here? Either way, I'm with my girlfriend trying to ask her something and she says, "hold on, I'm thinking." I respond with, "is that what that burning smell is?" Pretty proud of myself for that one.
Sheikh_Shaker ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 06:54:33 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I dont hear smart-ass comments, i say them.
itsme0 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 07:52:46 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Friend: "Why do you keep arguing with me about this!?"
Me: "I'm not arguing with you, I'm explaining what's right."
A few years later I got a shirt that says, "I'm not arguing, I'm explaiing why I'm right." Love it.
DeanisBatman ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 08:40:56 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Maybe not the best, but certainly the funniest. When I was about eight my mom was paid to take care of an old lady with Alzheimer's. She moved in with us. I don't know why, but she not only though that I was her daughter, but the bitch fucking hated me. As a kid I didn't understand why this grandma looking chick treated me like I was gum stuck on her shoe. Anyway, one day I was talking to my mom who had been getting dinner for the lady. Impatient, the lady walked over, pushed me away from my mom and said in the nastiest, most sarcastic voice possible, "why don't you go sit on a tack and enjoy the point". I was nonplussed but all the other adults in the room laughed so hard and it became a whole inside joke for them Now that I am older, I can agree that the delivery was fucking hilarious. Think Snape level sarcasm.
jeepytango ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 09:06:42 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I used to work at the gorge, for those that don't know the gorge is the largest outdoor amphitheatre in north america (or so I'm told) with a connecting campground. I was working the gate next to the convenience store and a couple of guys had forgotten to bring lawn chairs to sit in during whatever show it was that weekend. One decides he's going to go get a couple at the store, he comes out and says "Dude I just got bent over and fucked for a couple of lawn chairs" Buddy: "why didnt you just give them money?"
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 09:15:24 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
After being called fat: It's not fat, it's the fuel tank to a sex machine, and your mum appreciates it!
fluffyxsama ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 10:38:41 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Once said to my step mother, "that's what you think."
She replies, "I don't think -- I know."
To which I said, "I don't think you know, either."
Sometimesitsinshower ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 10:50:30 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
A friend was taking his Jacket off before starting a game of wii bowling, whilst doing so he commented "I better Jacket off" to which I replied "come on dude, not here"
lemmy454 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 11:10:57 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
My housemate was having an argument with his then girlfriend and told her "you've said a lot of things today, and not any of them helpful". It tickled me.
3point1four ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 12:14:00 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Same guy to same other guy had my two favorites ever.
First, he stopped the guy walking past his office and real seriously said "Hey, the liquor store called. They're worried about you."
Later, in regards to his new shoes "I wouldn't wear shoes like those to a rock fight."
cmikesell ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 13:05:50 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Me - In high school, senior, my school just started enforcing a dress code which required a belt be worn at all times for males. I would often times just wear a string as a belt in protest (mostly because I thought it was funny, and because of the wording, it was perfectly acceptable).
Well, one day I forgot my string at home and an English teacher stopped me in the hall to write me up. This made me late for class. My class was also English, but with a teacher that was only 3 years older than her students. She was a senior while my class were freshmen. We had a great rapport. I walked into class late and she asked me why I was late.
I said, "because I forgot my belt this morning, and some English teacher wrote me up for it."
She asked, "which one?"
I said, "I don't know, I'll describe her, she has short greyish blue hair, and her body is shaped like a teddy bear."
Teacher lost it for 5 minutes. I had just described ever single one of the English teachers (excluding herself).
computereyes ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 14:32:29 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
My dad can fuck your mom better than your dad can fuck your mom. This was yelled from a balcony at a bar towards two dudes on the street. They came up to the balcony and it turns out it was a father son duo. Long story short the father threw the first punch, missed, an with a lucky shot by my dood landed a haymaker of one on him in return knocking him out in front of his son. We got the fuck out of there promptly. We're just skinny white boy's looking for a good laugh, and we have a good chuckle on behalf of that unlikely story...
Maldzar ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 14:49:38 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Late to the party, but why not. Also a straight male.
A couple of my friends were in a conversation, which I promptly walked up to and joined them. As I was walking into the group, the asked "Hey Maldzar, would you suck a dick for a cupcake?", which I responded, without missing a single beat, saying "How big is the cupcake?"
One of my prouder witty moments
ext23 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:46:09 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
coming home from a party WASTED in a taxi with my friends at like 7am one morning. we were being loud and silly and pulled up at the lights next to a group of way too serious lycra-clad cyclists.
my friend wound the window down and said to one of them "how are you guys doing?" he begrudgingly replied "not bad, how are you boys doing?"
my mate said just as the lights changed, "a lot fuckin' better than you mate, we're in a car!"
mostlyemptyspace ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:53:16 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
When I was a kid I got bullied a lot. One day this bully was fucking with me, and I knew his parents had just split up, so I said "your parents don't love each other."
He was absolutely stunned and ran off crying. I felt kinda bad about it, but not really because the kid was a terror. And then my parents split up a couple years later.
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:32:08 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I'd like to build a desk and put it in you, for my house is full.
ThisIsOffensive ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:37:32 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Worked at a video store with a smartass manager. Customer asks him if we have Y Tu Mama Tambien, but butures the pronunciation. He points at a shelf and says "yeah, it's right over there next to less miserables." [les miserables]
ananori ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 16:48:51 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
You butured the spelling though.
ThisIsOffensive ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 21:09:57 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Have a gold star
throwaway934672134 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:37:53 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
A girl got in an argument with a professor. The girl is a nursing major and she was fighting that her dress was to her knees. the professor said "Honey, you're going to be a nurse. You tell me where your knees are."
ananori ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 16:46:20 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
On a side note, while I think wearing miniskirts is kind of trashy in an academic setting, why is this a topic between professor and student? Is there a dress code?
TheWalkingDudette ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:04:46 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
For some programs there is.
throwaway934672134 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 23:33:32 on December 6, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
There is, actually. Skirts and dresses MUST be knee-length or longer to participate in lab classes. There are other rules, but they're in place so that people dress at least business casual since we are nursing students and therefore required to "look professional".
joe-ducreux ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:57:25 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Me in HS chemistry class taking a quiz: "This quiz sucks."
Teacher: "It's impossible for something to suck."
Me: "Fine, this quiz blows."
Teacher: silence
auntanniesalligator ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:11:49 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
High school French class:
Teacher "Is everybody ready ready for the quiz?"
Most of the class: "Yes."
Student whose name I don't remember: "No."
Teacher: "What do you mean no?"
Student: "It's like 'yes,' but different."
JHTech03 ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 05:28:18 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
My old supervisor would always ask us as we are leaving work
s: "Where you headed?"
"class"
" liar, you ain't got no class!"
[deleted] ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 11:26:36 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Late to the party here, and while it was me, it sort of didn't happen, but it did. You'll see what I mean.
I lucid dream quite a lot, and this one was about 10 years ago. For some reason I was working in McDonalds in the dream, and bring uncooperative. My manager chided me with "fross, there is no I in 'team'" and I immediately responded with "There's no I in 'SUCK MY ASS' either!"
It was such a good line it totally woke me up. I don't think I've ever had such a good line while awake.
Flavz_the_complainer ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 15:55:40 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
About 8 years ago i was late getting the train to school one day.
There were 3 other kids, two boys and a fat girl, from another school a little way up the carriage from me talkin about smoking weed. The conversation went like this:
Boy1: Yea i love smoking weed, but whenever i do i just tend to mong out and do nothing.
Boy2: Yea me too, i always get the giggles.
Fatgirl: Whenever i smoke weed i just get the munchies.
...
Boy1: Do you smoke weed a lot then?
At this point i accidently let out a very loud "HAA!" which made all of them turn around. I just buried my head in my paper trying to stifle chuckles.
morgazmo99 ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 18:08:55 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Cute girl serving curries in a shop. Walk in with mate to order. He goes first.. Reading menu.. "I think I'll have a Rogan Josh".
I chime in with "Aww.. I remember when you couldn't even spell Rogan Josh".
He comes back immediately with " yeah.. And I remember when you used to date him".
Rekt.
Delvebot ยท -4 points ยท Posted at 05:02:39 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
in French class, in grade school. so our teacher tells us on Monday that there will be an upcoming pop quiz on some lessons we were having.... someone in the class (don't remember who) starts saying "Je detest le tests". Soon enough the whole class starts chanting together in broken French "Je deteste les tests!!" never mind it should've been "Nous..." but anyway the teacher looks around at all the students, kind of taken aback. suddenly, she raises her hands, and tells everyone to shhhhh. She starts writing on the board
JEUDI TESTE LE TESTE!
Now the whole class is freaking out. "HOW!?" "NOOOOOO!!" it had something to do with how we were pronouncing in French. I don't know. Anyway a couple of weeks later we made that teacher leave the classroom in tears because we were so uncooperative and rude.
lesson to take home: Kids can be evil little shits.
SarcasticSnow ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 06:13:34 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Ok but what did any of that mean
crop028 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 06:31:34 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Sorry, no knowledge of French here, and google translate isn't helping much. I get what the students were saying (I think) but what did the teacher write on the board?
epicface3000 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:59:43 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Thursday test the test
Truthyspeaker ยท -1 points ยท Posted at 20:21:29 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
We were at one of my best friend's bachelor's party and we were waking up the next morning and my friend, who is about 100 pounds overweight and smokes like a chimney says, in all seriousness, "fuck! I forgot my multivitamin". And I without thinking about it just blurt out, "yeah because you're the epitome of health. " And everyone burst out laughing. I felt horrible.
DefendTheStar88x ยท -3 points ยท Posted at 06:46:53 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Pulled over for speeding...
State Trooper: I've been waiting for you all day. Me: I got here as fast as I could! Trooper: bahaha get out of here.
I was going 93 in a 65 ๐
toastyghostie ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 04:59:17 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
This was actually said by me, and I'm pretty proud of it.
With a group of friends and I was verbally sparring with one of them about something, I'm not entirely sure what. But the friend ended up saying, "It's okay, I guess I'll just be the bigger person about this."
And I responded, "Well, physically, you are."
According to the other friends there, this was quite the burn and quote it at me all the time.
[deleted] ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 05:07:35 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
[deleted]
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 06:35:44 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Wow you people are offensive. How many times must I tell you, we're not nuts! We're mentally extraordinaire
nintrader ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 06:15:41 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Your mom.
extremeedo ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 07:45:06 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Au still getting gold here?
SkullShapedCeiling ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 07:54:57 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
in high school, i had a class right after lunch where i'd sleep, food coma and all. the teacher called me out one day. told him i had to put my head down because the glare from his bald head was too much to stomach. he was pretty cool, so he basically gave this kind of, "i'll get you next time," look, and i went back to sleep.
TheBaltimoron ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 10:01:51 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
You can't get herpes twice.
[deleted] ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 11:16:25 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
"Why are you surprised there's a Mario Kart 8 after Mario Kart 64?"
chioshio ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 11:25:31 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Was out with family friends on vacation. The older brother starts teasing me as we're out, and after he was done, he told me "I'm only being mean to you because you've stolen my cat for the entire week."
And, without missing a beat, I reply "I understand why you would feel that way, considering that's the only pussy you'll ever get."
I still get high fives from my dad because of it.
TearsEscapeMyEyes ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 11:25:33 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
My little 5 year old cousin was wondering why flies rub their legs together. I told her thats how they tell if the thing its touching food or not. Flash forward about an hour. She sits and look at a fly for an hour and says "hey TEME i think you have a dumb fly. It's sure taking him a long time to realise the ceiling isn't food"
Shiveron ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 11:25:34 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
If I wanted any lip from you I'd unzip my pants.
rock-o3000 ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 11:29:02 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
mom: "You're such a fucking smart-ass."
me: "Better than a dumb-ass, right?"
/thread
Sierra0122 ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 11:38:49 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
A friend of mine was at school probably messing around when the substitute teacher called him out and told him if he didn't knuckle down he wouldn't amount to anything in life, he replied with "at least il never become a substitute teacher", hilarious at the time but I bet that hurt..
thoughts-from-alex ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 13:10:42 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
My German teacher once asked me "How would you say "I've broken my glasses" in German?". (If you'd not guessed, I'd broken them.)
I responded "With great difficulty?"
ShermanFury ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 14:35:26 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
In school me and my friends went to the school hall as the teachers had told us too. We then tried to leave and a classroom assistant said "Where are you boys going!" My friend turned around and said "HOME!" In a loud voice. They then had a stare of for 10 seconds before me and him left...the funny thing is...we were going to get something to eat, not going home!
L00fah ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 15:36:39 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
My favorite thing to say to nasty customers at the end of an exchange when I worked retail; "Have a better day!" with a big, cheesy smile.
So god damn satisfying.
OhHai_ImThatGuy ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 15:49:51 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
"Smart ass."
"If my ass were so smart, it would wipe itself."
[deleted] ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 16:06:23 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I just have to say, so far every story I read on here is gold.
calcaneus ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 17:20:16 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Agreed, this thread is hilarious.
Chickenfu_ker ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 16:40:02 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
My friend told me that he hoped I would quit shittin and die. I still laugh about that.
questionable_pinaple ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 16:44:53 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Two of my buddies were loading a tractor tire into one of the buddies dads truck. They had been struggling for a few minutes to get it up and in, when the dad comes out, looks at them, and says, "Watching you two try to lift that tire is like watching two monkeys try to fuck a football."
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:02:39 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Are you an actual pineapple?
TrueTimmy ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 17:04:33 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Me: Can you spell it? Teacher: It.
mallamange ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 17:11:13 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
My 12 Year old wanted to know if the 10 Yo neighbor wanted to come play with the them, the texting went like this
12 Yo - Hey what are you doing ? 10 Yo - Your Mom...
MahSelectah ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 17:23:48 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Anything from Winston Churchhill.
Alcopaulics ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 18:24:52 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
In middle school on the bus, a group of girls were talking about boys they thought were cute, and they mentioned a friend of mine. This really fat, like morbidly obese, obnoxious girl said "eww, why do you like him, he has a big ole head?" Without hesitation my friend responds "shut up Genise, you got a big ole body." The bus erupted with the loudest chorus of "ooooooooooohhhhhhh" I've ever heard
[deleted] ยท -2 points ยท Posted at 19:37:29 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)*
[deleted]
that1persn ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 04:55:13 on November 16, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
And the girl isn't?
ChopinLives81 ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 18:26:38 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I'm an electrician and while I was in apprentice school learning theory, one of my classmates comes in with a bandaged eye. everyone asks what happened and he mentions that he cut a wire and the end swung down and hit him in the eye.
One of the smart ass classmates then asks "but how did the wire get past your safety goggles?"
No one really bothers with saftey goggles unless we're using power tools.
[deleted] ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 18:32:53 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
one from me, on the subject of smartassery...
ive been called a smartass much of my life for being a shit in one sense or another.
"rather be a smartass than a dumbass" usually gets them in a better mood. hard to argue, usually elicits a "good point," or "fair enough" or something like that.
Willy44444 ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 19:10:27 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Some douche highschooler in the back of the bus is harassing the bus driver, as usual, today asking about her qualifications to drive, etc.. Eventually he says: "I just wanna be safe! My life is in your hands, [bus driver's name]!" Me: "Then shut the fuck up and let her drive!"
marrioman13 ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 19:34:39 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I was in year 8, middle of a maths lesson and it started snowing, being about 12, we're all staring out the window in awe. My teacher gets upset and says if we continue, we'll be sent outside. Not a moment later I replied "what, in the snow miss?", she just chuckled.
CubsThisYear ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 19:52:51 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
My college roommate was talking to a female friend and she was blathering on about another friend of hers that was always one-upping her when she told stories. When she finally finished he responded, completely straight-faced, "That's the worst, I have two friends like that"
Big_D_Squirrels ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 20:36:13 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
My friends get pissed at me for being a smart ass all the time. "Oh what're you playing?" "A game" "what's in this drink?" "Smoothie mostly" "where do you see yourself in five years?" "Probably a mirror"
Slothnazi ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 21:56:13 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The comeback "I am what I eat" when you're called a pussy.
jphobbit ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 22:51:42 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Well the jerk store called, and their running out of you!!!
FiveHoleCommando ยท -3 points ยท Posted at 05:12:14 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
A friend was talking about his Thanksgiving prep.
Him: There was a bird in the freezer, but I don't know what kind it was.
Me: Was it a turkey?
Him: No.
Me: Chicken?
Him: Probably not. It was too big for a chicken.
Me: Jesus christ, was it a penguin?
[deleted] ยท -2 points ยท Posted at 05:32:35 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
[deleted]
LibbyLibbyLibby ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 05:50:32 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
What does that last sentence mean?
B4mBe ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 06:10:36 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
he was salty ?
The_Karate_Emu ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 06:26:29 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Apparently the Asian kid died of an overdose of salt.
LibbyLibbyLibby ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 06:34:51 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Oh, of course. Don't I feel a fool.
inopportuneflirt ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 10:22:20 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
He was salty as fuck.
BloodslidesInMyAC ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:47:03 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
NaCl is sodium chloride, or common table salt. Basically the Asian kid overdosed on saltiness.
[deleted] ยท -1 points ยท Posted at 05:24:00 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
[deleted]
[deleted] ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 06:24:46 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
This thread again! Why don't we do the hokey pokey and you guys get the fuck out
nahchannah ยท -1 points ยท Posted at 10:46:47 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
My two brothers-in-law were bickering because the younger one lent out Call of Duty to a friend, and the game belonged to the older one.
Later in the evening, we were discussing the difference in performance between varying priced HDMI cables. The younger one piped up with some dubious information, backed up by, "I should know, I work at JB HI-FI (Australian games/dvd/entertainment appliance store)."
The older brother piped up, "Oh yeah, you work at JB? So can you tell me, where's my Call of Duty?"
CuriousRythm26 ยท -1 points ยท Posted at 10:48:10 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
At the bar my friend approaches a group of women, cozying up to one in particular. She lifts her hand and points at her ring. "I'm married" she says. "I have an Xbox" he said. she looked at her friends, confused, as he grabbed her hand. Looking her in the eye he says "I thought we were talking about shit that didn't matter"
Many funny fuses were blown
LanikM ยท -1 points ยท Posted at 11:05:08 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
364046 +(1590)- [X]
<TriPa^> my mother is a cleaning fanatic <TriPa^> one Saturday she told me and my brother to get down to the playroom and straighten it up <TriPa^> we had a party there the previous evening, and she was none too happy about the mess <TriPa^> as she watched us work, it was clear that Mom was completely dissatisfied with our cleaning efforts and let us know it <TriPa^> finally my brother, exasperated with having to do it all over, reached for a broom and asked Mom: <TriPa^> can I use this, or were you planning to go somewhere?
SAGNUTZ ยท -1 points ยท Posted at 16:55:55 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I am a smart-ass so I wrote my own.
Person 1: You are such a smart-ass! Me: Just because it talks doesn't make it intelligent.
Snarky nerd fart-joke.
GrimCreepaz ยท -1 points ยท Posted at 18:27:23 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I was caught cursing by a teacher in high school.
Teacher: "Do you kiss your mother with that mouth?" GrimCreepaz: "No, but I kiss your mother with it." Later learned teacher's mother had recently passed away. I'm a dick.
ElsweyrFondue ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:12:24 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Players gotta play
[deleted] ยท -5 points ยท Posted at 03:54:46 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Some of my friends might see this. Hence throwaway.
This happened over a group chat. Many people in this group are borderline weeaboos.
This group was also put together solely for a Humans vs. Zombies weeklong game, and the rules we were playing were that occasionally, a ridiculous rule would be applied that, while ridiculous, has to be followed. At this point, a new rule had just come under effect where "Humans wearing pink clothes could only be killed by zombies wearing pink."
There was questions about what counted and what didn't. One such borderline weeaboo, C, asked whether the pink apparel had to be on top of the clothes layers. The mod responded by saying the clothes had to be top layer and visible.
I immediately responded "Sorry, C, your pink waifu underwear doesn't count."
Many people later congratulated me on that one. I am still so proud.
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 04:30:32 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
what's Humans vs. Zombies? Sounds like fun
air_moose ยท -2 points ยท Posted at 08:02:56 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
you can't hear comments on reddit :^)
hariseldon2 ยท -2 points ยท Posted at 10:07:18 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)*
My mum had one of my dad's sweaters soaking in a basin for a couple of days. So my dad walks up to get and says, "the sweater talked to me."
Mum says, "What did it say?"
"It asked me "Is Alexander the king alive?"
Liv-Julia ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 12:24:09 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Sorry to say, I don't get it.
hariseldon2 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 12:32:06 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
It has to do with a legend about Alexander the Great's sister who turned into a mermaid https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Thessalonike_of_Macedon
ILikeMyBlueEyes ยท -2 points ยท Posted at 10:12:03 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Wasn't a smartass comment. More of a smartass action.
Someone asked me to "hold this for me for a second". I did exactly that. Held it for one second, then dropped it.
McChubbin89 ยท -2 points ยท Posted at 16:52:17 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
In year 9 at high school I was in music class and my teacher took a packet of maltesers off me and said he was gonna throw them in the bin, so told him I'll throw him in the bin if he does. I got 2 after school detentions for it
AssholeBot9000 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:36:38 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
... year 9 and that was the best you could come up with? Probably should have had more attention on your school work.
McChubbin89 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:38:56 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Ye i know.
Faithless195 ยท -9 points ยท Posted at 04:37:30 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Was 15, mum was mad that I was playing video games all day instead of helping around the house. She came into my room and told me to go and clean the toilet and bathroom. I snapped back quickly with a shocked look on my face and:
"What? You can't be serious? That's women's work!"
Holy shit, I've never made a smart-ass comment to her until I had moved out of home.
[deleted] ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 06:08:00 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
That's a dumbass comment, sir.
[deleted] ยท -4 points ยท Posted at 04:20:11 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
When I was like 27 we were drinking beer at a local rock show. The cops obviously busted us. One cop has recently transferred to our small town from Dan Francisco. It was a huge cutler shock to him. He would talk in police code. It was funny.
He was looking through vehicles while the other officers made us nervous by yelling at us.
The San Fran cop found a Budweiser can that had to be 5 years old in the back of a buddies truck he had burrowed from his alcoholic father.
He showed us the can and said that whoever a truck that was is busted.
Everyone kinda rolled their eyes, including the other cops. My friend muttered "nice work Columbo"
It got a group laugh. The cops told us to do a better job at hiding our booze.
[deleted] ยท -3 points ยท Posted at 08:44:27 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
[deleted]
yesimfluffy99 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 10:04:19 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Way to contribute to the conversation!
Bluesfire ยท -4 points ยท Posted at 11:26:04 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
My friend recently left his girlfriend. As he was leaving she called him a dick. He stops, turns around, looks her in the eyes and says
"Well you're a Weiner."
fphishthegoat ยท -4 points ยท Posted at 03:59:24 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
If you're both drunk it isn't rape.
Javadog100 ยท -4 points ยท Posted at 05:47:47 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
My dad was yelling at me to clean my room and said "Your room is unacceptable... Am i right". Me being a sarcastic asshole says "Well your not left so..." He got pissed lol.
BUDLIGHTYEARZ ยท -14 points ยท Posted at 02:00:46 on November 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
"I'm sorry" "I know you are now apologize"