the reason that happens is cos the doorway to a new room is what is called an event boundary in your brain.
your brain dumps what was learned or gathered in the room before to make space for new information in the next room... because your brain does this what you left the room for initially gets dumped too.
an easy way to not forget what you're leaving one room to another for, is to say what you're retrieving out loud while walking thru different rooms.
no its a dude playing the sims cancelling the action.
[deleted] ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 11:36:33 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
This is magnified by ten when on mushrooms. It's crazy how much walking through a door way will mess with your mind. It's almost like wiping the slate clean and having to regather everything that you were doing lol.
[deleted] ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 23:27:28 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
[deleted]
[deleted] ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 01:54:04 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)*
You could do some serious good (or evil) with that kind of power. End wars. Help people get away from kidnappers. All kinds of neat stuff.
08mms ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 21:25:52 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I imagine that god perched above the door frame with a long arm that reaches down when you walk by and a shit-eating grin on its face.
TalShar ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 21:48:35 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Your name would become a curse word used specifically in that situation.
whim8 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 22:34:44 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Imagine... Right before the President goes to make his State of the Union Address, BAM "umm ughh I forget what I was going to say"
[deleted] ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 23:07:52 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The reason for forget is because you walked in the room, saw an alien and then the MIB flashed you, thus you can't remember exactly your original reason.
You two could pair up. Try to find altar, walk into the room with the altar, forget what you were trying to do, leave and try to remember where the altar was....
St. Magnus of Fรผssen. His wikipedia page doesn't mention it (certainly not his coolest patronage), but I found it on a few other sites. Here's one of them: http://catholicsaints.info/saint-magnus-of-fussen/
Troub313 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:42:22 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Yeah, but he is just a Saint. I am a God and I go to the gym and like I really like those books you like.
See, yeah. Came here to say, I'll take keys and the other sock, but no, here's greedyguts up here with "king of all brain farts". Fuck it, I'm taking glasses, too, then. And ya know what? YOU'RE ALWAYS GOING TO BE WEARING THEM. Every time. Hah.
If you would please introduce yourself to my husband, that would be wonderful. He seems to be under the impression that I am you. Maybe some sort of advertising to get awareness up would benefit you (and also me)?
Troub313 ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 21:19:24 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I would be the God of Looking For Something While That Thing Is I'm Your Hand.
I can't tell you how many times I've wondered where my pen went, only to find that I'm holding it.
Troub313 ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 21:14:36 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I am also the God of "Oh man, the sun is bright if only I had something to protect my eyes" while a pair of sunglasses are on your head or your hat is backwards.
I didn't learn until recently that literally everyone has a junk drawer. I just thought my family was weird... and had a lot of partially used C batteries.
A friend shall lose his friend's hammer and the young shall not know where lieth the things possessed by their fathers that their fathers put there only just the night before, about eight o'clock.
I'd be the god of finding money you'd forgotten you had. There is no purer joy than the feeling of "sweet, there's ยฃ10 in this pocket!". If people displeased me I'd make sure they found the money while taking clothes out of the washing machine >:)
Troub313 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 21:11:14 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
ยฃ10 for me is really inconvenient because I live in America.
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 22:46:09 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
From the Boring Prophet from the Life of Brian:
And there shall in that time be rumours of things going astray, and there will be a great confusion as to where things really are, and nobody will really know where lieth those little things with the sort of raffia work base, that has an attachmentโฆat this time, a friend shall lose his friendsโs hammer and the young shall not know where lieth the things possessed by their fathers that their fathers put there only just the night before around eight oโclock...
YOU ARE MY LORD AND SAVIOR, AND I SHALL MAKE OFFERINGS UNTO THEE.
Seriously, I need a god like this. I lost my girlfriend's wallet today. It was in my fucking messenger bag. I don't even know how it got there.
Troub313 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:36:24 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
My first impart of knowledge to thee.. ditch the messenger bag. One less place to lose things. Buy a magnetic keyholder.
FoTMonly ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:57:07 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I would offer my first born son as sacrifice to you to never lose my fucking keys again
Troub313 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:35:23 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I don't want to raise yo kids. Shiiieeet, always trying to put first borns on us Gods. Like we just run a daycare up here. Sacrifice me a beautiful woman or a cheesesteak.
Hey there is this saint here in Brazil! Not sure if he is canonical or real, but we call him "Sรฃo Longuinho" (Saint Little Longinus). If you pray for him to find your lost stuff stolen by evil gnomes, you have to pay him with three jumps.
Everyone in Brazil knows him!
Troub313 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 11:35:38 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Yeah, but that's just a Saint! I bet he doesn't even work half the time. Who takes payment in jumps? I take payments in cheesesteaks and beautiful Brasilian women.
Troub313 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 11:21:21 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
You people are a broken fiddle. We get it, there is some lame Saint named St. Anthony. I am more than a Saint, more than meets the eye... howcoolwoulditbeifiwasalsoatransformer.
I don't know about hydro presses, but I know that a lot of vehicular gearbox oils kind of smell like cooked onions.
heiferly ยท 15 points ยท Posted at 00:03:52 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Budweiser has a huge factory on the outer belt of Columbus, OH that makes the entire area near that highway exit smell of greasy fast food french fries. I've been told it's likely the hops that I'm smelling, but it will always be greasy fries to me... (I'm not the only one who thinks it smells like fries.)
BoxyFrown ยท 11 points ยท Posted at 01:51:40 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
From the bottom of my heart, thank you. I've been driving past that place on my way to work for 7 years and all my friends look at me like I'm a fucking lunatic when I say it smells like fries.
heiferly ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 03:06:54 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Oh, it definitely smells like fries. I think people are batshit crazy when they don't "get it." I want to keep circling that 270/71/23/315 interchange area until they admit I'm right, lol.
[deleted] ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 17:24:41 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
That is the magical smell of (shitty) beer being made. If you walk into any brewery that is active it'll smell like that.
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 09:57:03 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
2 days in hospital followed by 3 days unconsciousness, I come onto reddit to get my routine back this is what my poor disoriented brain slams into.
What I can remember, this is actually weirdly accurate (mostly the guacamole, which I'd never considered before). You're not screwing with me, are you?
Implying that Chinese food isn't prepared with the same precautions, following the same rules as everyone else's because it's Chinese (as they didn't qualify anything else about the food) is racist.
Conversely, in case you were going to ask because questions like this often are followed-up by this kind of question, the comment /u/rogue_giant replied to is not racist because it was a simple observation of a smell, and does not imply anything in particular about Chinese food.
I highly doubt that they were referring to Chinese food in China, and I doubt even more that this issue is what they were referring to. Given my experience with people who talk crap about Chinese food, this is a young person living in the United States that has eaten Chinese food prepared under the same regulations all other food is and still for some reason believes the bullcrap spread in the 60s about Asian food.
If they were referring to that, then that's fine. It's definitely legitimate issue and is being addressed thusly. Effectively? Who knows.
Zeus420 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:53:25 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Whoa... does this happen anywhere else in the world? Shocking practice
Zeus420 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:44:44 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I think the " >.< " part
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:09:38 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
It wasn't. It was a joke, and not even the only one about cooking with hydraulic fluid. Reddit likes to arbitrarily pick and choose which one is acceptable and which is horrible racism.
Then you need to explain some shit to me; when I used to get drunk or stoned and shit would go all hazy, television commercials and music would all start to sound the same after a while and play this really familiar sing-song melody that somehow reminded me of when I was a kid.
I would never hear it without being under the influence though. Explain.
Nillion ยท 12 points ยท Posted at 17:04:40 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Thank you God of Remembered Smells for allowing me to correctly associate the odor wafting off of my gym towel the other week with the fried onion strings from this restaurant from my childhood.
Can you fix my claustrophobia brought on by a perfume my sister wore on a cruise? We had the smallest cabin with four tiny bunk beds and it was drenched in that smell. I get traumatic flashbacks on the rare occasions that I smell that smelly smell.
Odgnob ยท 16 points ยท Posted at 16:39:39 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Can you tell me why every single time I use vanilla Chapstick I am brought back to a dream I had in like first grade about playing James Bond from Russia with Love the video game on the first level with the fuckin jet pack and shit? Like I can't not think about it when I put it on and idk why
[deleted] ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 17:49:27 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Why is it, oh god, when I smell something spicy and meaty I think of a soy bean processing plant I used to live by in Iowa?
Shanack ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 19:27:38 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Please, what is that smell that reminds me of Autumn and Minecraft? I need that in my life, I literally dreamt about it last night, this is the first time I have even dreamt of a smell.
If I find myself in your favor, will you help me find a certain smell that takes me back to when I was young? I'm never able to identify where it's coming from.|-/
kiralv ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 19:44:09 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I had a major crush on my third grade teacher. Even fantasized pouring hershey's chocolate syrup (saw it on an LL Cool J video) and having her press her breasts in my face. Thank you GRS for making me remember. ;)
[deleted] ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 00:37:17 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
piratius ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 05:38:21 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
So it was you - when I went to camp as a kid, I smelled some guy smoking a pipe, and had the most vivid flashback to my grandfather who I don't consciously remember at all.
A most powerful god, but heavily underestimated because of a clever plot with Proactivus to take control of the realm of gods in a last minute, desperate, and uncontrolled coup d'etat involving a gallon of caffeine, Wikipedus, and Anxietysius.
I don't know about greatest it can be a very competitive atmosphere. I would not wish to anger Alcoholus and his children Jager-Bombathon or Maximus Beer-Pongacus to name a few.
So if I pray diligently you'll lift the curse just early enough so that it can actually get my stuff in on time?
Or does that require a ritualized sacrifice in your name, O Mighty Pracrastinus?
The caffine has failed me,
I'm out of adderal,
2am was gone faster than it came
Oh great Procrastinus hear my cry,
Give me the will to finish this paper
You might want to consider another position. All those worshipers sound like a lot of responsibility for an entry level employee. Better off choosing a position no one ever prays to and coasting on your immortality until the end of time.
Who else will if I do not. Do you expect them all to just reddit all the time? Do you wish purple links on all of them? That is chaos I will not be responsible for.
I totally meant to pray to you like a month ago, but I just SO busy and just like didn't have any time. Anyway I've got an important test tomorrow so could you just like, I dunno, just bless me with that knowledge?
Bullshitticus, the god of being able to bullshit an assignment the night before, always attended to by Thesaurae and Caffeina, his muses. Also known as the God of College Students.
The goddess who wakes you up a few minutes before your alarm. If you make me angry I'll wake you up too early to get it but too late to catch any more sleep. Keep me happy and it'll be a few comfy seconds before it goes off.
That is not italicized which can eternal bold,
And with stฬงฬญฬฃฬฅฬอrฬฐaฬบฬฑnอgออฬบอ ฬฬeฬฏฬซฬ อฬฅอ ฬดฬฒฬ mฬคaอออฬผออฬนrอ ฬผฬอฬฒอฬฑkฬจuฬปฬฬซฬซอpาฬนฬฃฬฅ even strike-through may italics.
I'll be the other Sleep God that makes it so that you wake up in a half-asleep state, turn off your alarm, and make the bad decision to "rest your eyes" and fall back to sleep. Then when you wake up, you have absolutely no recollection of your alarm clock ever going off despite how it's been turned off already.
I think I'd rather be the goddess who wakes you up 4 hours before your alarm goes off and you look at the alarm to realize that you don't have to get up for another 4 glorious hours! That feeling you get when you roll over and know you get to stay warm and comfortable for another 4 hours! So nice!!
Dent18 ยท 35 points ยท Posted at 18:12:11 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
As a goddess I will give you amazing adventures to dream. But if you fail to provide me sacrifices then you shall always be tired from your 4 hour sleeping privilege.
Praise me more TurnForeverUandMe and I shall allow you to wake up at 2:53 tomorrow morning and awaken fully rested and ready to start your day on time hours later.
Thank you kindly! Same to you! May you be blessed with the deepest sleep and may you wake each morning fully rested and with enough energy to hollar at the top of your lungs for days!
Considering I got to kick three people out of residential treatment and now the remaining 20ish clients are pissed at me, I'll need the rest!
[deleted] ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 23:26:36 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I'd pick 3 hours. That way you get 2 full REM cycles in and don't have to wake up in the middle of one. That's why people wake up tired after a full night of sleep.
May you wake up from the falling feeling only to realize that you're safe in your bed, not in class, and have 7.5 hours more to sleep.
[deleted] ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 02:49:43 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I think I'd ask for prayers regularly if they all consisted of that beautiful wish for me.
Daydu ยท 19 points ยท Posted at 15:22:57 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of when you wake up and for a split second forgetting where you are.
Fzzr ยท 16 points ยท Posted at 18:13:39 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Are you kidding? I love that. I've trained myself for years to wake up just before the alarm and get up on my own terms. The alarm is there as a backup only. Hey, do you want some worship?
You torture even more people of being the goddess of waking up thinking you slept through your alarm! Then you're too stressed to go to sleep no matter what time it is.
[deleted] ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 20:35:39 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
How about the god that wakes you up 15 minutes after you were suppose to leave for work. Whenever this happens to me I always go from a deep sleep to an instant wide awake, look at the clock, and freak out. Itโs ALWAYS after I need to be on the road. Never with minutes to spare or early, always after.
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:30:21 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The god of when you do that on a day off, get all ready and realize it's Sunday... and bacon and eggs
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 08:02:39 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
get all ready
Haha, which consists of stepping into the nearest pair of pants and matrix diving out the window while deodorant or cologne bathing.
Oooo nice. Good luck! Hope the tattoo turns out well :)
suhayla ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 05:01:13 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
That reminds me, I need to build a shrine to the goddess of waking up magically even when your alarm fails or there's a power outage but you have to get to work and normally wouldn't wake up on your own because you only slept 6 hours...lady has prevented me from losing my job on multiple occasions..
For you lord, I shall always cover my microwav-ed offering with a paper towel, and lo! I shall make the bad at least twice in between each changing of the sheets!
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:53:02 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
If only you knew how you have all cursed yourselves for the propaganda of fools who wish you only to fall with them. Unfortunately I have a cockroach problem in my backyard. He whistles like the boogy man. But he is planted psychic mason of the moon there to listen to my thoughts. You want Lucifer listen to him.
Remember that one time when you were younger and were so pissed off at the alarm you threw it across the room and broke it? Yea that's why. You're welcome.
Yes, I will be waiting for you after your death with a special promotion +plenty of chances to rise in the company. You have much potential in your wakefulness.
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 21:18:32 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I'll thank you to stop waking me up four fucking minutes before my alarm will go off, you vile wench.
I'm also a microwave divinity, although I'm the God of Uniform Microwave Heating. Grace be unto me, and I shall ensure that ye burritos shall be the same temperature throughout. Profane me, and your tongue will touch fire, followed quickly by ice.
I'll wake you up too early to get it but too late to catch any more sleep.
Pha, amateur. I woke up at 4:58am, 2 mins before my alarm was due to go off. I replied to my friend on WhatsApp and went back to sleep for those 2 mins. This was yesterday. I WILL SLEEP AS MUCH AS I CAN, DAMN IT.
It's just common knowledge, even among Porschephiles, that 924s and 944s (and 928s, some 911s) always seem to need something to be running properly.
"Let's go for a drive!" says the 911 owner
"Just gotta fix this one thing first," says the 944 owner.
Overall, they are very well made. There are a ton of 80s 944s still running to perfection. I commute in mine on a daily basis, and arrive feeling energized, positive and rewarded. How many 30 year old Camaros, Hondas, Datsuns and Yugos can say the same?
So basically you're like a Warhammer 40k machine spirit?
nerga ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 18:25:06 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The machine spirit is not actually a spirit. The machine spirit is a myth used by tech priests/humans to explain how their technology works when they no longer understand it. The rituals are just trouble shooting steps, usage steps, etc. that are working.
What the fuck did you just say about the machine spirit bitch? I'll have you know I graduated top of my class in the Collegia Titanica and i have over 300 confirmed engine kills, and I've been involved in numerous raids on the archenemy. I am trained in total warfare and I'm the number one titan pilot in the in the Legio Invigilate. You are nothing to me but just another heretic. I will wipe you the fuck out with firepower the likes of which have never been seen before in this Imperium, mark my fucking words. You think you can get away with saying that shit to me over the vox? Think again, fucker. As we speak I am contacting my secret network of inquisitors across the Imperium and am preparing for warp travel right now so you better prepare for the Storm(Herald), maggot. The Storm(herald) that wipes out the pathetic thing you call your life. You're fucking dead kid, I can be anywhere, anytime, and I can kill you in over seven hundred ways, and that's just with my sponson guns. Not only am I extensively trained in mechanized combat, but I have access to the entire arsenal of the Imperium of Man and I will use it to its full extent to wipe your miserable ass off the face of the Imperium, you little shit. If only you could have known what holy retribution your little "clever" comment was about to bring down upon you, maybe you would have held your fucking tongue. but you couldn't, you didn't and now your entire world is paying the price, you emperor damned idiot. I will shit fury all over you and you will drown in it. You're fucking dead heretic.
That sounds like HERESY to me! The Imperium of Man will not stand for this!
nerga ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 21:41:43 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Good. That was a test, you passed, the inquisition is pleased. Remember, an open mind is like a fortress with its gates unbarred and unguarded. Carry on guardsman.
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 22:40:17 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I thought they were remnants of onboard AIs. How else is the land raider operating one of its guns independently of the crew?
nerga ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 22:46:32 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Targeting systems or AI would still not be a machine spirit though. Is that in one of the novels, I don't remember seeing anything like that in the source books or rpgs.
cdc194 ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 16:02:54 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
My 11 year old v8 4Runner with 210k miles doesnt need your help, its indestructible and the body has seen more scrapes than a fishermans knuckles.
If you were the God of fuel economy then maybe we could talk.
Just be the god of POS junker cars. Being in your graces will ensure that your car keep chugging along. To those who shun you will come faulty defrost in the dead of winter and breaking down in the middle of nowhere.
BdAzMoFo ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:31:03 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Felix
sigma932 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:22:42 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I pray to you several times a day. Please stop giving me the "will it/won't it but then it ultimately does sputter into running" it freaks me out every damn time.
My starter is going out and I really doubt I will be able to start it for work tomorrow. Please, God, please! sacrifices first born
[deleted] ยท 2010 points ยท Posted at 14:38:32 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I will be the god of the clean wipe. Everybody poops, everybody wants to be clean afterwords, and so if they pray to me during their movement they shall be blessed with a one-wipe cleanup. Render unto me a diet with adequate fiber and ye shall be doubly rewarded, for I help those who help themselves. Anger me, and Taco Tuesday shall not be kind to you.
I hate when you have a sticky poo and the ass cheeks are clean but immediately inside the asshole isn't. No matter how much paper you use, the turd cutter never gets clean. It's like trying to clean a marlin .22 if anyone catches the reference.
I just picked a number that was greater than three.
Gohack ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 00:16:48 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Then I'm the god of eternal sharpie wipes. You just keep wiping and wiping and wiping and wiping and and wiping and wiping and wiping and wiping and wiping and wiping and wiping and wiping and wiping and wiping and wiping and wiping and wiping and wiping and wiping and wiping and wiping and wiping and wiping and wiping and wiping and wiping and wiping and wiping and wiping and wiping and wiping and wiping and wiping and wiping and wiping and wiping and wiping and wiping and wiping and wiping and wiping and wiping and wiping and wiping and wiping and wiping and wiping and wiping and wiping and wiping and wiping and wiping and wiping and wiping and wiping and wiping and wiping and wiping and wiping and wiping and wiping and wiping and wiping and wiping and wiping and wiping and wiping and wiping and wiping and wiping and wiping and wiping
For those who stuck around this long your anus is chafed, and bleeding, while tears of regret prick your eyes.
PS:You clogged the toilet on the last flush and your plunger is missing.
checky ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:11:26 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)*
[deleted]
shhh
Zephk ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:41:46 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Then I will be your moral enemy. The God of Bidets, cleaner of asses with my mighty jet of water; also satisfier of frustrated housewives and teenagers.
[deleted] ยท 17 points ยท Posted at 17:07:21 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Nah, we can get along - I'm a pretty chill god. This doesn't have to be an Athena/Mars sort of rivalry, we can have overlapping realms of magisteria, it's cool with me.
Welllll... I guess people can wipe clean and then jump to the bidet.... We can make this work.... Damn, we're better at this than the Olympians already.
[deleted] ยท 7 points ยท Posted at 17:35:35 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Seriously! Different strokes for different folks, and we're just low-level gods at the moment anyway. I don't want to be the god of pooptickets forever!
Deksloc ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 22:37:19 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Send me thy tome of infinite bowel movement cleanliness and I will be your eternal disciple.
[deleted] ยท 7 points ยท Posted at 16:49:34 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Hypothetically, if you were really a devout disciple, you wouldn't need my tome in the first place - such a tome would only be full of poop tickets anyway. Properly rendering unto me both a fiber-rich diet and my due prayers would give you 3 second poops that were so clean you wouldn't even need to wipe.
[deleted] ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 18:05:50 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Yeah good thing I follow Bidetus. God of the porcelain throne that cleans your butt on its own.
[deleted] ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 18:07:40 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Eh, we get along, he's a cool guy, most of our people don't inhabit the same areas.
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 23:45:34 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Ahhh so you must be of the land beyond.
Where crusty poo, toilet paper, and butts are fond.
I had once been there, and my butt you didnt spare,
So now i wont visit if i dare.
My butts now so clean, it even has a sheen,
And my hand, between my cheeks, has not seen.
I sit on my throne, and let out a groan,
and then my toilet cleans me all on its own.
I select the right temps, for water and seat,
And the fresh clean feeling your single wipes cannot beat.
For come to my city, you entry level diety,
And you will look back on your own with pity.
[deleted] ยท 11 points ยท Posted at 18:39:01 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
As I have said to your brother in sin:
Verily thou hast offended me with thine weak praise and the consumption of too much meat! A balanced diet pleases me, as does repetition of my sacred prayer throughout the movement, "Oh Mnementh2230, Cleanse my Colon, clean my clog, let it be all one big log!"
It didn't work O great one! What have I done that Thou hast caste the evil endless wiper on mine arse??!
Seriously...it's like a permanent marker right now.
[deleted] ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 18:37:38 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Verily thou hast offended me with thine weak praise and the consumption of too much meat! A balanced diet pleases me, as does repetition of my sacred prayer throughout the movement, "Oh Mnementh2230, Cleanse my Colon, clean my clog, let it be all one big log!"
but there are always at least 2 wipes. if you nail the first wipe, and even if it is one of those poops you know is a single wiper, you always have to do a check wipe. I mean I have to anyway. some of you fuckers are probably crazy enough to skip the check wipe.
[deleted] ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 19:02:54 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Such is the nature of faith, my son - though if your username is any indication, you've got bigger problems in this department.
No one's going to give a shit about you once they try out baby wipes.
[deleted] ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 19:02:06 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Ah, but they will! For the most devout of my followers, who both give proper praise and partake of the holy fiber in appropriate amounts will need neither tickets nor wipes, for their deposits shall be bereft of leavings!
Can I be the god of the "clean pinch?" You know, when you wipe, but there's nothing on it because it was a solid dump with a relaxed sphincter that refrains from chopping logs.
Otherwise, I'll be the God of "Gambling on a fart." Pray to me, and I shall keep your trousers free of poop.
[deleted] ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 20:12:37 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Can I be the god of the "clean pinch?"
See, I've already got that covered (prayer plus fiber), so you're going to have to go the gambling-on-a-fart route.
glow2hi ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 20:28:34 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I have baby wipes I have no need of you lesser god
[deleted] ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 20:32:22 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Ah, but you see my son, with proper prayer and the right amount of holy fiber, you wouldn't need baby wipes either: a clean pinch with no leavings from your deposit is what I offer.
What about those poops where you know you pooped, but there's nothing in the toilet and nothing on the TP when you wipe? Are you in charge of those too?
[deleted] ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 01:00:04 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Oh yes...
Samoflan ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 21:45:29 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
One wipe? I'm afraid I could never have that much faith.
[deleted] ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 01:02:39 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Unlike some other gods, I don't demand that you not test me. I get it. :)
I believe a 1-wipe cleanup is only true when it's a no-wipe. I believe this is the formula for calculating wipes:
N + C = T
N: Number of cleaning wipes
C: confirmation wipe; always equal to or greater than 1
T: Total wipes
You must always add at least 1 additional wipe to the cleaning wipes for confirmation of cleanliness. One must never assume the cleaning is finished before the confirmation wipe(s).
ah the nice senioritis schedule, I respect it. I miss high school, when I could go on reddit like all the time. I mean I'm still on here a bunch but I have more important stuff to do.
isn't going abroad for college more expensive? but yeah it is expensive here. I chose to go to a very expensive school which sucks for that reason, although I like the school.
My plans are to go to the top private school in Tokyo and it's like 10k and on top of that most kids get scholarships and I could apply for a scholarship for poor kids cause I have no money.
I thought most international students don't get scholarships. or maybe that is just government scholarships and/or in the US only. but damn 10k, I pay about 50k a year, before scholarships and such, if I only had to pay 10k I'd be living the rich life at school(not really).
Ah okay. Yeah it is a small school but it seems unusually common to meet someone that has gone here/knows someone who does. In my home city I've met two other people randomly that fit that.
Yeah I wanna do international business since if I get into my dream school and get the international business degree then I would love to stay and work in Japan with international business. I'm pretty sure it'd go well with my bilingual skills
My plain is to get a job as sort of the negotiator at a company. Basically be the guy the company sends to different countries to meet with subsidiaries or partners or what not.
I'll try but that is a little easier said then done. I've already committed to going to China for my semester abroad. I do want to visit japan though, My grandfather is from there and my dad went a lot when he was a kid, It seems like a cool place.
Things are generally better over all there. Like for example service. You'll receive excellent service for anywhere you go. And on top of that food everywhere has a standard of being really really good for cheap prices and fast service.
Downside to that is that every job becomes harder because you have to give a shit about what you're doing. If your job doesn't deal too much with other people then you'll probably be unaffected.
Language barrier for you. It's a easy barrier since basically every restaurant has an English menu and everyone speaks some English, enough to help you order or go to wherever you want. The metro systems map is completely in English and Japanese
There's a lot more that I can tell you about if you have any specific questions
I would hope that their food is good, I'd kind of be disappointed if say sushi from a restaurant here or the good I make at home is generally better the truly authentic Japanese food.
Yeah I heard that they are more strict and hard working but I can deal with that.
I'm glad the language barrier isn't to much of an issue because I don't think I'd have time to become proficient in both Japanese and Chinese. Although some parts do overlap.
I really don't have many specific questions for Japan currently. Maybe is Tokyo as high tec as movies or news and stuff make it seem?
Awesome, that's way better then $11 for a bowl of Udon from the Japanese place by me. I really want to go to japan but that is $1000 minimum for a flight.
I don't know I checked now until February on google ( I'll admit that it ain't that great of a search) and it never dropped below $1000. but It probably does at some point. to shanghai is like $700 right now. also this only from the airport closest to my house to both of those places.
I mean I still don't have money and I doubt that they would let me chose my flight but that Ain't bad. it is a little more expensive going to shanghai rather then Beijing but still not bad.
Well I still have a lot of time before that, but I'll figure that out in time.
I believe that College is more a 2 year type deal and university is the 4 year but they are kind of used interchangeably.
Do you want to know IB specifics of all the courses? I mean every university is different. for me there is IB201 Globalization and International Business, IB 311 International marketing, IB313 International Marketing Research, IB320 Intro to Global Entrepreneurship, IB324 Negotiation Internationally, IB335 International Finance, IB345 Two-way Management of Global supply, IB352 International Management, IB401 International Strategy and Business Plan, IB488 International Business Internship(not a class but still and opportunity to get credit through my school)
Well it really depends on your university and major. I know a lot of science based majors don't accept science AP credits. also I feel that international schools don't accept it. but it is still good you are taking AP classes, they do help in getting prepared for college work load. I only took 2 AP classes and didn't take either tests.
Listen to shit and be able to tell the chord structure and progression of the song by listening to it 3 times and then write all of that down.
Then you hear a song then have to write all the notes down in a few minutes.
Then there's a multiple choice portion which I aced since it's just memorization shit.
But then there's the dreaded sight singing. And I'm not sure why but I'm one of those people that isn't tone deaf but when I sing the note I want to sing doesn't come out my mouth and it's bad. So I bombed that portion of the test horribly. You just have to read notes and sing the exact pitch and sing a whole song. It sucks.
But I wanna do business because I'm good with people.
I'm pretty well rounded in everything else. Not really exceptional in anything except people. I'm good with everything from befriending to manipulating. I don't do the latter but I know I can.
So logically I think I'd be good with business hopefully.
I'd like to think I am good with people. I mean I'm not bad but I don't know if I'm "good". I do try to be likable and am decent at negotiating. I Plan on eventually making the jump from business into politics but that is a while down the road.
Honestly I think those redditors who shit on other people who say what there opinion is are assholes.
As long as someone keeps the conversation civil I'm always up for talking about beliefs politically or religiously
I'm liberal myself but I like hearing all arguments.
US politics interests me since I love how they aren't really openly corrupt. They say they're not but it's pretty obvious.
In Japan everyone knows the government is corrupt as fuck but it doesn't really effect the common person and the government cares about average people so people don't care about the corrupt shit that goes on like the government letting the Yakuza do whatever.
I'm at least more conservative. I'm fairly neutral but lean conservative. I am not a fan of sanders, which reddit love for some reason.
I agree, I will listen to others and even admit if I am wrong but it needs to be kept civil. Something reddit sometimes has an issue with
Yeah I mean if feel corruption isn't quite as big as people make it out to be but it is there and you are right we tend to keep it more quite which makes it hard to keep track of.
I admit I know next to nothing about Japanese politics so I'll just take your word for it.
I know about the yakuza but I had no idea it was a legal thing. I can believe they are older then the current government though. I mean wasn't the current government created after ww2.
The current Japanese government works pretty well though so and the country runs pretty well except when it comes to foreign policy
Like TPP is good for other countries but fucks Japanese common people horribly. It rolls back health and safety standards Japan has like food labels that list everything.
Damn that sucks. Hopefully they find a way to deal with that. There is a lot less suing of the government here. Although my state has been sued by other states a couple time recently.
The only common person effected is usually homeless but they give the homeless jobs.
Really really bad jobs like cleaning up shit or radioactive shit near Fukushima. But still jobs.
The other things they do is just go around to shops and collect their "protection tax" that says they'll protect your shop.
Sometimes they've actually caught criminals that have robbed from a store though. And it isn't too much.
They're basically just a big profitable organization that does sketchy stuff sometimes. Better than some corporations here in America XD cough Nestle cough
There are plenty of jobs that have that. I mean they tend to by higher up but still. I know my 2nd cousin doesn't get payed overtime but he is very busy a lot of time. It is the whole hourly verses fixed pay. If you have a fixed pay then it doesn't matter how many hours you work.
Haha that isn't the problem. the problem is that getting a visa to get a job is different then to be a student so I have to get a different visa on the off chance I can find a job. if I can't get it then it would literally be illegal for me to get a job while in china.
I'm only responding in lunch or my classes where I'm the teachers assistant
Chuurp ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:20:13 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I don't know, one class I took in highschool had a unit on aliens, the history of sightings and encounter stories, some various explanations, etc.
I later used what I had learned in that class to correctly identify what some friends of mine thought was a UFO as birds. (Birds flying in formation over cities at night is a common source of UFO sightings. They initially appeared to be flying much higher and faster than they actually were.)
Oh man, I'm always tripping over dumb shit, stepping into divots and rolling my ankle, bumping into door frames, lamp posts, etc... If I could set up a shrine in my room that would ensure that everyone was looking somewhere else when that happened, I swear I would literally devote a corner of my room to it. I'd even move my desk or somethign to make more room.
blackom ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 18:28:44 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Hey?! I thought this was supposed to be a MINOR God!
Hell, screw it! Oh Mighty SloppyMySeconds, I adore and implore thee... Bless my office workers with your vision so lacking that they see me as an acceptably valuable member of this team. Truly you are a Cloak of Ignorant Bliss for the masses. Blessed be.
AbeRego ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 19:25:02 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I forgot to use my parking brake in the mildly slanted parking lot of my job interview, today. I wish I'd known about you earlier.
A few years ago I slipped and fell on my face on a tile floor. I bounced back up immediately and looked around to make sure nobody had seen me. Satisfied, I kept going on my merry way. Joke was on me though, it turned out I busted my lip and was actually leaving a trail of blood behind me. I didn't even notice until I went to scratch my chin and my hand came away bloody.
You're right, there was no hospital bed, according to this comment's OP it was an ospital bed.
elthalon ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:24:56 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I... remember it being in the hospital. I'm not going to look it up again, so let's leave it at that.
BobIV ยท -5 points ยท Posted at 19:05:44 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
It's an old copy/pasta that's grown into urban legend-dom.... It didn't really happen and I imagine there are dozens of not hundreds of variations on the original story by now.
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:25:04 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I just realized and came back to comment. This is how my S/O and I met... And the second part eventually happened
Edit: tl;dr: can confirm
b1rd ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 17:58:05 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Ugh, I've started taking my lunch at unpopular times at work so that the break room is emptier, because no one can seem to understand that headphones + textbook + repeatedly explaining "oh yeah I try to get some homework done on lunch" = leave me alone please, I've got more important shit going on than listening to you complain about one of our managers.
sk_2013 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:50:00 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Wait, this is flirting?
God fucking dammit.
rdeluca ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 19:35:45 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
It's not flirting it's needing to be the center of attention at all times get the fuck out of my room your boyfriend isn't here fuck off anna fucks sake I put the headphones on and am reading a book to purposely ignore you fuck off you stupid bitch arghhhhhh
juicius ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:45:54 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Oh yeah, I read that book. Can you believe that the daughter was the one who did it? I did not see it coming until the last page.
kodakowl ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:47:56 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I've walked into a light pole while reading and walking. I don't do it anymore.
And walking with a group of people completely blocking the sidewalk is a sin that will come back to haunt one next time they're in a hurry. I shall try not offend the.
No blessings demanded, but if you litter you will be cursed.
Khulric ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:37:11 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The slow walkers.
tomp624 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:58:08 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Thou shalt not step on thy crack, for they shall break thy mothers back.
Morbanth ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:11:16 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The occasional pedestrian stumbling under a bus.
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:48:35 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
U have to sacrifice the slow walkers. See it works I am the 1 true god.
oi_rohe ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:05:12 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The slow walkers.
anumati ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:40:11 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Shoe soles.
[deleted] ยท 458 points ยท Posted at 13:48:18 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)*
You pray to him by slapping your feet into the ground so it sounds like you are very close to the slow walker.
In bicycle cultures he is also petitioned by simply using a bell.
These prayers nearly always work, thus proving the existence and power of our pedestrian lord /u/KevansMcGurgen
[deleted] ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 13:24:21 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
on the bus, going to work, reading a book
[other passenger]
"Hey there, fella, whatcha readin' there? A book huh? Must be good huh?"
[reader]
lays aside book, draws spear from satchel
"u/KevansMcGurgen, I invoke thy name as I commit this deed! I am awaited in Valhalla! Witness me!"
sprays energy drink across his face and plunges the spear point through the interrupter, then flings himself out the bus doorway into oncoming traffic
Oh Mighty KevansMcGurgen, Sidewalk Lord on High, Oh Master of cool concrete paths, forgive me for I have walked on grass. Bring me to my appointments on time and lead me not into dark alleys. For thine is the curb, and the air vent, and fire hydrant forever.
As long as they're on a shared path with due consideration, no penance shall be required. If you're a pedestrian that respects bikes or a bike that respects pedestrians, thou shalt revive my favour. Is respect shall incur my wrath.
You're supposed to pick something minor and unimportant, given I'd murder for your sidewalk blessing I'm going to have to decree that the job of a major God.
You apparently don't work in London where I am plagued on a daily basis with slow walking tourist travelling in large herds annoying the hell out of anyone trying to actually get somewhere.
Oh wise and powerful One. Please also bless my path that I might never have to do the awkward two step dance with someone who moved out of my way a split second after I moved this putting them right back in my way.
Your loving and faithful servant, amen.
KngHrts2 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 20:29:19 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I would sacrifice thousands of slow walkers to you, oh mighty god
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 21:22:48 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
You are the one and true God.
Moomium ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 23:31:32 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I volunteer as a minion! When dispatched, I will walk uncomfortably close behind the slow walker, breathing heavily and staring, until their primal instincts tell them they're in danger and they turn around to see me lurking weirdly behind them, at which point they realise they've been in everyone's way for like ten straight minutes
shinju ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:45:48 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Done.
xampl9 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:49:38 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Can I be your cousin Escalatorious?
The god that makes people standing on escalators be on the right.
alvisfmk ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:43:43 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Please, I'm from Jersey, we just weave. I never understood why this was so hard for people.
cooky173 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 07:57:54 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Hah! Proof that God doesn't exist.
I could believe in a God that at least keeps them walking straight so that I can plan my overtaking manouvre
Cadllmn ยท 1955 points ยท Posted at 14:16:11 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The God of Household Efficiency.
Maybe I will bless you with cutlery oriented in all the same direction, or measuring cups properly stacked - to shave precious pico-seconds off your kitchen duties. Mortal lives are wasted re-orenting a misfiled spoon properly toward cereal in the morning. Perhaps I will untie the shoelaces of the runners you discarded in the closest when you got back from the gym so you spend seconds less in the locker room next time, or maybe your keys magically find themselves by the door, next to your coffee mug... and so on.
Of course, I would gain popularity and worshippers quickly due to prioritizing prayers to find the remote, or match socks in the drawer - that I estimate that in 5-7 years I would be strong enough in my power to challenge the all-father himself to the throne of Heaven.
I would, of course, win that duel by having already organized my weapons in terms of their probably utility in the upcoming conflict, arranged such that the more probable is closest to my hand... these moments saved would give me the edge I need to be faster on the draw than the all-father himself and ensure my victory.
Than all gods, mundane or otherwise, would sit at the feet of /u/Cadllmn - patron deity of household efficiency...
...in alphabetical order of course, for easy reference when matching mis-spoken prayers to their intended recipient.
lennort ยท 355 points ยท Posted at 15:59:23 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Take your lives into your own hands! Organize your own kitchen, don't wait for some deity to do it for you! /cutleryathiest
Cadllmn ยท 7 points ยท Posted at 18:56:41 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I have just moved into a new house, O Efficient One. I wholeheartedly pray to sacrifice anything within my power, if you will help me with this unholy mess.
Cadllmn ยท 8 points ยท Posted at 18:55:52 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)*
Be diligent Child.
Resist the callings of Chaos and put things in their place, do it right from the start and know that I am pleased. Your house will be one of order.
Know that I will look down on your house and say "Niiiiiiiiiice"
Well we can talk about it but I drank half the Jack and dropped the folder in the gutter... wait, it... it somehow fell right side up and all the paperwork still in order.
My wife needs to sacrifice a hundred grass fed oxen to you. Looks over at wife who is making oatmeal for breakfast. she spills some in between the oven and the counter. Ok scratch that, we're gonna have to go for the full virgin deal with this.
Cadllmn ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:53:47 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
O.O
That poor, poor wall never deserved this....
Zeus420 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:59:28 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Many virgins must be sacrificed for my inefficient abode
darib88 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 17:38:13 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
i wish you could spread your Gospel to the heretics here who believe a set of stacking matching measuring cups must be scattered to teh 4 winds after each use -_-
Cadllmn ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 18:51:53 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
They are the agents of Chaos, they revel in the madness of their kitchen drawers.
[deleted] ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 17:55:40 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
What kind of God can't even get than vs then right?!? Better organize your words!
Cadllmn ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 18:51:10 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
It's been a while since I've really sat down and had coffee with the God of Grammar...
Can you make it to that all the soap washes out of my water bottle in less rinses? My water pressure is good not great, so it takes like 20 seconds per rinse.
Cadllmn ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 18:50:10 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
You are not very popular with the women in my life. Why would that be?
Praise be.
Cadllmn ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:36:08 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
My child,
Even the gods cannot penetrate the mind of a woman. I suspect that Anoia reaches their hearts first... and they cannot hear the stern, cold logic of our chorus.
caagr98 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 21:25:43 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Is your name Welsh? Becauae it looks Welsh.
Cadllmn ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 22:54:15 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Not quite - but I can see where thats coming from.
For such a well thought out post the typos killed me. Probably instead of probable. Re-orenting instead of orienting. Than all gods instead of then all gods. Etc.
Cadllmn ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 18:54:22 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
May you live a long life in my presents.
Muhahahaha
Wilfae ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:46:01 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Don't we already have that condescending Ikea ad guy? Is he your first disciple, then?
Cadllmn ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 18:50:19 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of that last little bit of whatever you were drinking that never comes out of the cup no matter how long you hold the cup upside down to drink every last drop.
Isares ยท 2046 points ยท Posted at 11:28:46 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The God of water tension holds a lot more than you'd imagine in place.
Surface tension is by definition related to the energy needed to create a new surface area, and is not related to the "cohesion" or any volumic properties of one element (simplifying a bit). You will not talk of water surface tension, but of water/glass, water/ceramics surface tension, i.e. the energy required to create a new interface between water and glass.
The shape of a droplet and its motion is due to the competition of three surface tensions, glass/water, glass/air and air/water, as well as the force you're applying to the droplet (by tilting the glass for example).
Practically nothing you drink is anything other than water with extra bits. If he breaks out some everclear or 151 you might struggle, but you could probably at least make ripples appear in his glass like a dinosaur is coming.
_idkidc_ ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:42:18 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Nyrb ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 15:31:03 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
It's still a liquid, lets not split hairs.
phobiac ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 18:25:34 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Unfortunately this is more due to adhesion to the sides of the container than it is the cohesion of the water molecules. God of Adhesives sounds kind of fun though.
Dohleman ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 06:49:13 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I've seen it affect ice. Though I think that god has a warped sense of humor. The moment you give up on it, the bit of ice comes flying out at breakneck pace. Either landing on your shirt, or trying to go up your nose.
When you're really pissed off, you allow that last drop to come out super easily... as soon as the drinker's mouth is no longer ready and waiting for it.
god of classic bar bets would like a word with you.
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:18:40 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Are you also in charge of ice cubes that get stuck to the bottom of the glass but then suddenly crash against your face while you're trying to drink the last drops?
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 21:30:51 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
This is one of those weird things you notice about people (or perhaps I notice) but I used to have a boss who could drink a cup of tea and leave the cup completely dry. I swear he is some sort of witch.
It's really not that hard guys, you just put the corners over your hands, match them, and put them inside each other. Do this twice, fold the top part over a little bit to make a rectangle, then fold like normal.
Basoran ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:20:37 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I worked maintenance at a motel. To fit in the odd hours I would help house keeping with their duties, and was bestowed the gift of perfect folded fitted sheets.
I ONCE showed my wife how to fold a fitted sheet.
I am now the only one that folds the fitted sheet.
Perhaps I was not encouraging enough with my instructions.
I am pretty sure about 30% of the reason my husband decided to marry me is because I can fold fitted sheets easily and well. Every time I do it, he still gets this weird look on his face like, "She's a magical creature and I get to live with her!"
OK, but could you also help with making a hotel bed look perfectly unused, so the second girl I bring there will not know I had another girl in the same room earlier?
1:1 For the true believer will be tested and he shall be tested thrice. 1:2 And the first test is a test of will. The one that cometh after is a test of doubt and despair and tested thrice he shall rejoice and see the true face of the Lord for he shall be shown that will overcometh all and true shall be his faith forever more. 1:3 But doubt me and there shall be a reckoning of three once more forever and ever until the end of time.
1:4 Three shall be the number of the counting and the number of the counting shall be three. Four shalt thou not count, neither shalt thou count two, excepting that thou then proceedeth to three.
1.5 Five is right out.
Destro_ ยท 150 points ยท Posted at 18:14:29 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
1.3 Five is right out.
FTFY.
jurwell ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 21:55:57 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
1:6 Once the number three, being the number of the counting, be reached, then lobbest thou the Holy Hand Grenade in the direction of thine foe, who, being naughty in my sight, shall snuff it."
Look at this people, a creationist. What does he think, USBs are just made by a creator? Everyone knows they evolved over the generations, slowly transforming into the perfect blend of snugly fitting and data transfer!
Yup. That and learn the patterns. The USB logo is on the top on any port that is horizontal, otherwise just check, or if you use the computer enoigh, remember it
sbcontt ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 20:24:01 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
What about the ones at the back of a PC cabinet below the desk?
If I try to pull the cabinet out, the client screams because he usually has all the cables tangled. After about 20 seconds of trying I just remove all the cables and pull the cabinet out only to see that there are a few 1394 and eSATA connectors back there to make things worse, and I was most likely trying to plug the USB into eSATA.
And then I have to remember the positions and play the blind game to replug ALL the USB cables in. So fun.
I don't understand the confusion at all. Unless your USB is literally a symmetrical rectangle it shouldn't be that hard to tell which way it goes in. Also, both sides of the metal part that goes in don't look the same. Two empty holes on one, two filled in holes on the other.
LifeWulf ยท 7 points ยท Posted at 17:04:25 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
My USB ports are on the top of my case. Which is under my desk. Even looking at them, I can't see exactly where the filled portion of the plug is, and for some reason the USB 2 and 3 ports seem to be switched in their orientation. Same thing with my motherboard's ports.
[deleted] ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 17:28:48 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
It seems like every day there are more heathens spreading heresy.
[deleted] ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 16:25:11 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I've never understood why people struggle with USB ports.
mronosa ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 17:41:22 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Affordances. If the USB port was designed better, either it would be obvious (meaning, I determine the correct answer naturally) which way is correct, or there would be only correct ways to plug in the dongle. As it is, there are two natural ways to plug in the dongle, but only one is correct. Forcing the person to look at the shapes of the USB port and orientation of the dongle is, in my opinion, a tell-tell sign of a poor design.
As an atheist, I can tell you the real reason is USB cables have a spin on 1ยฝ, just like some subatomic particles.
[deleted] ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 22:39:08 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
BoP 1:12 And the lord spake unto me: Though I walk through the valley of scratched front usb panels, I shall not look upon what I'm doing, yet I will persevere! For the gods of probability shall scratch their heads and raise their hands upon high in wonder that three tries for two possible positions should curse their sight and cast their probabilistic models into the fires of laziness! Oh God of expedient USB insertion, I will pay homage to you by looking at both the cable AND the port before plugging anything in. Amen.
Ulkreghz ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 22:42:17 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Book of Peripherals
I think the Machine God / Omnissiah might already have that covered, are you related? Are you his intern?
Quantum superposition. The plug is in two states until observed.
pilstrom ยท 16 points ยท Posted at 16:06:40 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Intel did some research on this, and they found that all USB connectors have a spontaneously applied superposition, where it exists in both states at once until observed. Therefore, you can never be successful on your first attempt of plugging it in, until you observe the state of the USB to conclude its current metaphysical position. Science.
[deleted] ยท 9 points ยท Posted at 16:26:55 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Go home Schrodinger, you're drunk. And when can I have my cat back?
Why does it always take 3 tries, no more no less? To think I have always blamed some government conspiracy.. I am relieved to know it's just some shitty (un)godly doing..
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:16:07 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The mystery of all mysteries
datsuaG ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:15:18 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Never takes me 3 tries. I just look at it and gee whiz, it's asymmetrical! One side should always be up! My god, I can preemptively orient the USB connector before attempting to get it in! I'd have never thought such a thing possible!
Wootery ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 20:18:39 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I just look at it
Well that's cheating.
Rexamicum ยท 274 points ยท Posted at 15:48:00 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Not even kidding last night, I was putting in a USB stick in to my TV watching laptop and I was pushing it in and it wouldn't go in and I was like NO THIS IS RIGHT IT SHOULD FIT but it didn't.
I took it out turned it round, realised it fit even less than the other way.
KNEEL BEFORE THY LOR... actually, you raise a good point there with the doubt and the knowing. I'll... I'll talk with the editor and see what we can do about that paragraph.
Cheers heathen and may your next ten plug ins be successful.
DaSaw ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 20:48:20 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Or into the ethernet port...
taejo ยท 15 points ยท Posted at 15:49:49 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The Trident of The Square, The Circle and The Triangle is symbol of the Universal Serial God. Make sure that it pointeth towards thee and thou shalt be rewarded.
Unless, like a LOT offices, you have a Dell Optiplex desktop PC (780 series or older)... then your front USB ports are upside down.
I'm convinced, due to the abundance of this model of PC in the workplace, that it has had a significant negative impact on people's ability to learn the simple "USB symbol goes up" trick.
I am the alpha and the omega, the mini and the micro. For all ports are true and true are all ports. And I will deliver you from the darkness and despair. For the data must flow eternal.
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 20:58:53 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
For all ports are true and true are all ports
What about the other ports like Firewire and Thunderbolt? How about Ethernet, VGA, DVI, Displayport, HDMI? I mean seriously, there are so many ports, how can we know which is the One True Port?
the top side has a horizontal dash below the two holes that makes it look like a mouth, the bottom side has a vertical line that goes inbetween the two holes
Easy, the side with the usb logo always points up or to the front, if it's vertical it points to the right most of the time.
USB_GOD ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 18:00:57 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)*
I CHALLENGE YOUR POSITION!
When plugging the USB connector into a laptop, the face should be facing up and the crack should be facing down. Also works for your PC if you imagine that the motherboard is facing upwards.
Wootery ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 20:20:17 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
But which way up should be the micro USB type B connector that you plug into your phone?
Answer: it depends on the phone. Gah.
JoeOfTex ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 18:10:18 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:19:05 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
On laptops and embedded devices its usually not too bad. The port is always facing away from the board its mounted on, so the pins (and generally the USB logo) should be facing towards the board.
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 06:01:37 on September 11, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
bitcoind killall
Maggeddon ยท 12 points ยท Posted at 19:50:13 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Better would be the God of Curly Brackets - by his blessing, code compiles the first time with no errors. Anger him, and syntax errors will haunt you for the rest of your days.
Amierra ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 20:08:58 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I'd be okay with this one. At least there isn't a guarantee of untold suffering. Just a good possibility.
World of Warcraft and Hearthstone: Heroes of Warcraft
StDoodle ยท 8 points ยท Posted at 19:53:59 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Oh great and powerful Syntaxus!
May I always see where I've forgotten a semicolon at first glance
May you guide me to always use the proper amount of equals signs for what I'm working on at the moment
And may you curse bob, who always sings under his breath along with the country music on his headphones, to be assigned to that stupid legacy LISP POS, and blind him to proper closing of parentheses!
Edit: And while you're at it, let me notice when I've typed "signs" instead of "sings" & vice-versa, if you could stretch into Grammatico's purview a bit
Oh great Syntaxus, please accept this humble offering of painstakingly crafted makefiles and deliver us from the segfault. For there can be no delimiter but by your merciful hand. So say we all.
Alcnaeon ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:19:22 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Curtalius ยท 76 points ยท Posted at 16:45:13 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)*
Too specific, you should be the god of compiler syntax. those who fall out of your favor will search forever for that one missing curly brace (also, Python BITCH). And in your myths they will tell of the tale where a true believer had his code compile on the first try. Praise be.
Yeah man, searching for the spot where you accidentally copy-pasted something from stackoverflow or whatever with spaces instead of tabs sounds way better. :P
Even IDE's fuck up from time to time. Hmm, some syntax error that wasn't there before and appeared out of nothing ? Better restart eclipse, not to mention that C++ IDE's suck for the most part.
That depends on the version and doesn't change anything about the fact that sometimes a missing semicolon somewhere can produce some weird errors in C++ and that exceptions are sometimes thrown in very low level methods, because of punctiation errors.
rlbond86 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 21:03:20 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The free ones suck, a lot of paid ones are good
Zolden ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 20:04:10 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
GFCCBCETTFHD? Ambiguity! Can be mistaken with
God of Forgetting to Close Curly Brackets Causing an Error That Takes Five Hours to Debug
Whoever invented text editors that automatically add a closing bracket should be fucking rich.
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 20:29:33 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Shouldn't your IDE prevent shit like that from happening?
zer0t3ch ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 20:43:31 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
As somebody new to Ruby and experienced in Python, I have forgotten way too many ends on if blocks.
CodeJack ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 21:20:26 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
But it tells you specifically when you miss a bracket
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 21:20:30 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
What are you coding in? Notepad? Get a fucking IDE man!
thehared ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 21:39:03 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
This is literally why I stopped mid EE degree and went business. Calculus and physics, no problem. I forget to fucking close a bracket and I'm fucked for hours. No thanks.
Quigglez ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:09:52 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Back in high school before I knew anything about anything and was learning C++. I was expanding extensively on an assignment for fun because I thought it wasn't detailed enough. And I mean, I added hundreds of lines of code (which is like nothing now in all reality) to make this code more useful. This was before I really knew anything about programming. I didn't know shit about shit. So this was a single file, linear code. No functions or anything, just the god damn main method (something like a week later the teacher taught us about functions). I was so sick of looking at the screen that I just printed the fucker out and started connecting the braces with a pencil.
RushTea ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 08:22:12 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
In 2009 I went through a phase where I was determined to create an entire functional RPG system entirely within an Excel spreadsheet. Many entire systems were represented by single formulas in single cells.
The nightmare of debugging those 3000 character self-contained Excel formulas still haunts me {{{{}{}{}}}}}{}{}}}{}{}}}{}{}}{{{{}}}}}{}}}}{{}}}}}} indeed. I'm not sure what the hell I was thinking. I can't even go back and resume work on it because I have no idea where to even start.
workpuppy ยท 2215 points ยท Posted at 11:58:14 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Tech support. Sacrifice to me, and I will fix some of the things, some of the time. Call on me to smite the bad callers!
So if I were to call upon you and ask that you, maybe, shock someone through the phone for being beyond stupid do you think that's something you could do? Because if so my prayers would be answered.
s133zy ยท 330 points ยท Posted at 15:31:50 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Oh great god of techsupport, my adobe reader is out of date, I need you!
Edit: I have prayed to the wrong god, please forgive me /u/workpuppy
alien122 ยท 235 points ยท Posted at 15:58:21 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Install Google ultron
Tothoro ยท 76 points ยท Posted at 16:01:41 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
That's what NASA uses, after all.
Nymbra ยท 18 points ยท Posted at 16:08:10 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Damn Jitterbug gang.
[deleted] ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 17:12:41 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Looks just like normal google chrome though, have to be sneaky about it.
The references come from Anon does IT. Its a series of 4chan posts about a guy who is appointed head of IT for his dads company because he is "techy", even though he has no idea what he's doing.
Dude how many of these reddit inside jokes are there. The sad thing is that I think I get every single one of them. Even the obscure references to years old comments and things
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:05:16 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I tried sacrificing some coffee beans, but it turns out to be really hard to get a ceremonial dagger through one of those. The proper stabbing motion tends to miss its target. I swear, that ritual is almost as fiddly as using Regedit.
What judgement do you pass on those who call tech support insisting that something that has nothing to do with the service provided is the fault of the service provider and yelling and screaming until they get a service call?
workpuppy ยท 60 points ยท Posted at 15:09:07 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Death is too good for them.
Eplore ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 16:25:33 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
A forced job position in tech support where they serve their equals!
furthurr ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 16:08:41 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I worked tech for a software company and we got at least 2 of these per day. And then they would say "I'm taking my business elsewhere" when I told them that our software is not supported in IE6... Except their company was buying the product on a contracted agreement with ours and they had nothing to do with business decisions.
People calling tech support-- don't try to throw your weight around if you don't have any, and don't try to make people feel stupid for something that you don't understand.
I know I'm preaching to the choir on Reddit but damn, glad I don't do that any more.
Yeah this is quite common where I work, its a different industry but we still get people insisting that its our fault that a single laptop in their company can't get online when every other device can.
I don't know what it is about calling IT that turns me into a bumbling idiot. I consider myself a fairly computer-savvy guy, but every time I have to call IT because I can't log into my work computer or something, I forget my username, my email, everything. I can hear the guy on the other line getting frustrated with me. I'm trying my best :(
You have SSO (Single Sign-On) for everything.... except this one thing... and another... and another... Sometimes I'm required to have 4-6 passwords. Sometimes it's because I'm using a third-party software provider that's not directly tied into the company
"You must change your password every 30 days". Usually 1-2 days after, I'll be like "oh shit... what was the new password again?" "What combination of symbols did I use?" "Dammit! That was the old password and I'm locked out for 30 mins. I wonder if this place has a ping-pong table"
He's only god of front line support, and his powers are limited by the script and tools granted to him by the application god, god of sysadmins and the god of middle management. Basically, he's like front line support for the gods - gets blamed for everything despite it not really being his fault.
Grant me the ability to physical slap someone over the Internet and I shall become your prophet.
Yserbius ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:33:56 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I dimly recall a semi-serious scifi book about The Saint of Microchips, a Catholic priest who worked died working IT for the Pope became canonized and now answers the prayers of people frustrated with technology.
BlazeTTD ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:37:22 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Oh god of tech support, I didn't drop my laptop in the tub and I didn't try to dry it by putting it in the oven, but will you please allow my computer to work?
That's fine, so I just look my ticket up in the system since I own helpdesk ticket group, see my ticket is too low of a priority and call back to have it raised. Also I can flag it to email me on any updates so I can see almost immediately if someone else lowered it. Nice try though.
You people are great for diagnosing basic problems and helping to file a proper ticket for engineering to respond to, but some of you think you know more than you do and cause problems by trying to be "helpful".
God of opening stuck jar lids. Grandmas everywhere will give me candy as a reward. Old ribbon shaped, sitting in a bowl for decades, stuck together candy.
Definitely me. Prying on the edge of the lid with the non-business end of a fork is the first thing to try before tapping the lid on a hard object. Don't want to break the glass.
I'm not sure an eternity of kissing pooholes is what I'm personnally interested in.
iSo_Cold ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 20:01:49 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
But you don't have to. You get to pick who feels that kiss. You could pick whatever flavor of sexy poopspout you prefer!
For me Scarlett Johansson and Kerry Washington will need towels to wipe. I'm French kissing them every time they walk into a bathroom. Even to brush their teeth.
Poseidon's kiss is where you get bong water in your mouth taking a hit
joedl1 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 16:39:20 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I was drinking chocolate while I read this and I cracked up...it was so so close to being spat out all over my food
Nithryok ยท 388 points ยท Posted at 14:52:41 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Except a sheet of TP can remove that effect....
Toppo ยท 852 points ยท Posted at 15:06:21 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Probably it's some rivaling lesser God of Toilet Paper, and the God of Toilet Paper and the Poseidon's intern have this Greek soap drama going on, stuck in an eternal battle because one of them banged the other ones mom.
[deleted] ยท 7 points ยท Posted at 16:06:33 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Actually not too far off from plot lines from a lot of Greek and Roman epics. I swear I read this very drama in Virgil's Aenied. The Latin language and meter makes it very moving.
Toppo ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 16:09:11 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Yes, that was what I was thinking about with every Greek god and king having some extramarital affairs with their relatives and nymphs and animals and stuff.
It's actually for dense pieces dropping into very low water. If you go to a port-a-poopy, the splash will occur a lot more than say a toilet because the length a poop has to go through to hit fluids is usually 2-3x more. You also have to account for speed. So we have: height, density, and speed of said shit.
This literally just happened to me as I read this...
CptHair ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 20:57:30 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I guess we would be related- I would be the god of flushing. I'm often ignored, but at that first visit at your girlfriend/boyfriends parents, when I threaten to show my anger and overflow, you start praying real hard.
As much as I love me some Percy Jackson, that series did Dionysus no justice. My dudes been throwing massive cult orgies from basically the beginning of organized religions and is present in nearly every culture. You know St. Pattys day? Dionysus did it first motherfuckers.
Really? I thought that Percy Jackson taught us that trying to emulate the Harry Potter franchise is a sure-fire way to make some seriously mediocre books, and really bad films.
Meh, I wouldn't say they were mediocre. They were pretty good, though the films were bad. And I also wouldn't say they were copies of Harry Potter. Does Rowling now have a monopoly on "special children trained at special, magical place"?
Zariay ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:57:47 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The films were terrible because they tried to go from making their own version of the story in movie 1 to trying to go back to the book in movie 2, and they STILL didn't do it right.
Granted, I still enjoy them because Percy Jackson.
Durden11 ยท -11 points ยท Posted at 15:33:04 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
We found him! The one person that saw Percy Jackson!
It's not possible to have seen the movie and know about the split personality deal, that was introduced in the Heroes of Olympus series. The movie (only barely) covered the first series, if you can call it "covered".
It's important to note that while the Romans went out of their way to say that Jupiter = Zeus there are still some pretty significant differences. It's clear that many of the Roman deities had different origins and became more similar to their Greek analogs over time or started identical to their Greek counterparts but were synergized with gods from other pantheons departing significantly.
Just look at Ares/Mars. Ares was functionally a crybaby and bully. Yeah, he was strong but dude was a glass canon. He was a god of war, but not a god of just wars. He was BFFs with gods of famine and disease. Mars, conversely had most of these weaknesses stripped out and all wars were axiomatically just if it was Romans versus non-Romans. The Romans were always very careful to have a justification for foreign wars, no matter how flimsy or fabricated.
Superficially, sure. Close enough for government work. But if you want to actually work with the mythology or the cultures being represented then it's nowhere close to good enough.
No, Bacchus is my Indian substitute teacher who always messes up my name. How hard is Theodore?
K_cutt08 ยท -2 points ยท Posted at 17:01:17 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
In my mind there's no such thing as Roman gods, just Greek gods spoken in another language/re-named to steal them. I really hate that the game Smite has both Greek and Roman gods.
[deleted] ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 00:29:06 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Wheres the god of tits and wine?
I am the lesser god of tits and wine. Not all tits and wine, mind; I will be the god of small tits and those shitty sample-sized glasses of wine you get on airplanes.
[deleted] ยท 167 points ยท Posted at 11:32:23 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The night before last I was sleeping on a couch with a bunch of friends and I was kind of half on the couch and half on the ottoman with a small gap in between. It wasn't the most comfortable but whatever. Anyway this lgap managed to be right at my crotch area and so, having been wearing sweatpants, my dick and balls were more or less free swinging into this crevice. After 8 or 9 hours of this vertical danglage, I moved and felt intense pain in my testicles, like a straight kick to the balls. So thanks for that.
Sorry I'm gonna have to transfer you to another department, but please feel free to take this complementary paper cut in-between your toes and a gentle, yet still painful sack tap. You have been blessed. Good day.
If you take Goddess Squat's name in vain, endless motorcycles parked all the way up in spaces will loom in your future.
[deleted] ยท 1408 points ยท Posted at 14:51:27 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
One day Jack was trying to find a parking space at the airport. It was a Tuesday afternoon and seemingly the entire long-term lot was full. He drove back and forth and back and forth and was getting dangerously close to missing his flight.
Up in the Heavens, the goddess Squat looked down on poor Jack's predicament. She wondered aloud to Zeus "Why dost not Jack simply call out to me?"
Zeus replied "Well, you don't know Jack, Squat." And it twas true, they had never been formally introduced. Jack missed his flight that day.
If you deny Goddess Squat, those motorcycles will be replaced with smart cars and all available spots will be between two large, raised, barely-street-legal pick up trucks.
Don't have pictures anywhere that I can find (happened when I was pre-smartphone), but it looked like someone got pissed and kicked the door in. Was a back door, and strangely enough, was replaced prior to me buying the car.
Ended up hitting a junkyard and getting a new door for like $25 (after selling them my door) because they had a few too many cars laying around and was running a sale on doors. (Might have been a chop shop, but don't know anyone who would chop up mid 90's GM crapboxes).
gpot97 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 23:35:31 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Someone had a small penis.
[deleted] ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 15:28:15 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Not just motorcycles, motorcycles constantly behind giant SUV's one after another. That way you think there are so many spots open....but you're always wrong.
vezance ยท -1 points ยท Posted at 17:31:59 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
And when you finally find a parking space, six motorcycles will block you in and the motorcyclists will force you to watch them drink a beer for a hour. One beer for one fucking hour.
"You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left me a little note on the windscreen, it said 'Parking fine.' So that was nice."
It worked, so I'm gonna go ahead and assume you are a goddess.
Slouder ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:22:14 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
This is totally like the urban goddesses in urban primitive. There's one called squat who has a chant that goes "Squat Squat we like you a lot help us get a parking spot."
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:22:18 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Are you the same Goddess that causes my mom to, 9 times out of 10, get a spot up front? If so what did she do? Sacrifice a child I don't know about?
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:33:22 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Holy Squat, it's Michael Bolton!
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:37:51 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I'm going to yell this when I'm trying to find parking for classes tomorrow.
Are you also in charge of making sure small cars park at the end of their stalls, so I'm not excited to see an empty one, only to get there and realize it's a smart car jammed up front?
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:22:34 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
What have I done wrong recently that you've damned me to parking 3 blocks away? Do you require my first born? Because I was only joking, you can have my first born. Please bless me again with parking in front of my building and deliver me from motorcycles and drivers that can't parallel park and drivers taking up 2 spaces.
m30w7h ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 23:47:29 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I actually read about this being a real thing- you leave an offering of a chocolate but you have to take a tiny bite of it so you know you're not trying to poison her.
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:18:37 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I think there's already a goddess of parking called merna. When I was little my parents always said "praise Merna" when they found a good parking spot.
Don't think you'd have too many believers there Squat.
[deleted] ยท 6366 points ยท Posted at 13:49:21 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I would be the god of Shower Arguments.
If you're sufficiently in my grace, an opportunity would arise where you can actually volley into a previously rehearsed shower argument, leaving your crushed opponent speechless, and yourself in a triumphant glory of eloquency.
I thought you meant arguments had in the shower, which made perfect sense to me for some reason until the second sentence.
[deleted] ยท 3005 points ยท Posted at 16:39:58 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
"Oh, you talking shit now? (*turns shower knobs and waits for right temperature*) aaaite, get undressed and step in, motherfucker! Ama scrub you clean of these preconceived notions, brah"
I still dont know what shower arguments are if not that.
e3super ยท 648 points ยท Posted at 18:13:17 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
It essentially means that you imagine an argument that you may face sometime soon, and you play out your part and the part of the other person in an effort to "rehearse" what you'd say if the argument should it arise in real life.
And his godly power would be to allow those in his graces to have an argument go exactly like the one they practised in the shower, leaving them victorious and worthy of the office worker equivalent of folk songs.
dearlou_ ยท 49 points ยท Posted at 19:27:36 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I thought I was the only one who did this
boothie ยท 23 points ยท Posted at 19:47:12 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
go! Be among your people..... you bunch of weirdoes
Dracunos ยท 11 points ยท Posted at 22:30:09 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of thinking you were the only one who did something sure has taken a hit in the 21st century
lobehold ยท 17 points ยท Posted at 19:54:07 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I thought it's after the actual argument, you replay the argument back in your head while showering and come up with the perfect rebuttal - except that it's too late.
It essentially means that you imagine an argument that you may face sometime soon
This is normal to do all the time right?
Twirrim ยท 10 points ยท Posted at 21:15:20 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
It it's wrong I don't want to be right.
tywhy87 ยท 9 points ยท Posted at 20:41:52 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I never knew other people did this. I asked a close friend if he ever walked through possible conversations/arguments in his head as the other person and he looked at me like I was crazy.
AEWhole ยท 8 points ยท Posted at 21:02:17 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
It has a lot to do with personality. You're an architect that likes to plan and have a plan.
tywhy87 ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 21:07:48 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
YOU DON'T KNOW ME! Okay that's all pretty accurate.
AEWhole ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 21:19:21 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Welcome to the INTJ or INTP or INFP or INFJ club. MBPT
It's nice to know there are brothers and sisters out there.
Amh, just because you seem the most competent on the argument here. I do this a lot, I also figure out scenarios in my head where someone I love die, something terrible happens to me and similar as a way to "prepare myself" just in case... Someone does it too?
AEWhole ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 22:07:30 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
It's normal to have erratic thoughts that don't comply with normal mundane things. People who aren't being challenged intellectually will start challenging themselves with difficult to answer questions or scenarios. Just to see if they can get out of them in their mind or in the physical world. Don't worry you are just like everyone else. Welcome.
The only time you should ever worry (If you are worrying. Don't mean to assume too much.) is if you are completely comfortable about the terrible situation and it's terrible outcome or if you no longer control the erratic thoughts. Control being defined as being able to "forget in the moment" or moving on to something else without dwelling on your interesting scenario. If the thoughts occur more than you like and make you unnecessarily squeamish you should talk with an actual doctor not just a counselor. (Every case of someone not being able to control their own thoughts is linked to a lot of different psychological illnesses. They ARE ALL VERY RARE however and I am betting real money you don't have them if you are in a home or at a job on Reddit.)
I use to write these thoughts down because I thought they would make for good material in a book. I thought of some crazy shit happening to pretty much everything. But, I am too lazy to do anything for too long it would seem.
It's also the N and J part of the personality test I think.
Got it, i've had many a shower arguement. If ever a situation arises that fits exactly to the parameters of a shower argument i've had i'd still be screwed because i will have forgotten my "perfect" response.
[deleted] ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 00:08:30 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)*
haldr ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 19:01:51 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Sort of, but in reverse, I think. You imagine a whole scenario where you demolish someone in a perfectly worded and thought-out argument but the reality tends to be that you either don't have an opportunity to have the argument at all or it doesn't go at all as you had imagined it for one reason or another. This benevolent god would allow those in their good graces to follow thorough with their imagined scenario just as they had pictured it, granting them the glory previously only dreamt of just prior to their offering of the morning shower jerk.
When you think of what somebody might say to you, then think of what you might say in response, then repeat ad infinitum. That way you are adequately prepared for any perfect situation that will never happen
Are you being a douchedcunt or are you just a pleasantly hopeful person?
[deleted] ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 16:05:36 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I'm saying if your brain doesn't playback arguments and torture you with what you should have said, your life is very charmed indeed. So in answer to your question: I hope... neither?
That guy was Idi Amin of Uganda, one of the most brutal dictators in recent history.
Amin's rule was characterized by human rights abuses, political repression, ethnic persecution, extrajudicial killings, nepotism, corruption, and gross economic mismanagement. The number of people killed as a result of his regime is estimated by international observers and human rights groups to range from 100,000 to 500,000.
He means when you had an argument before, lost the argument, and then rehearse it in your head in the shower later, where you are able to think of better comebacks, and win the argument.
ejambu ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 18:11:49 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
+1 - I think your kind of shower argument god would also be quire awesome! He guides you and provides wisdom as you argue with yourself in the shower, allowing the right course of action/answer to become apparent. He can only aid you while water rains upon your head and while you converse outloud with yourself, though.
Once upon a time this position was indeed held by a god of rain, but once mankind developed umbrellas and started remaining almost entirely indoors in the rain he got bored and wandered off. So the rest of the gods rebranded his position in an attempt to modernize it and find a new candidate, and that's where you come in! This pantheon position also comes with a Twitter account.
[deleted] ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 21:17:20 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I thought you meant arguments had in the shower,
So, he didn't? What did he mean then?
csl512 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 17:05:46 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Beer + arguments?
xlhhnx ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 17:32:30 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I thought that too, makes sense to me, arguments with the SO
You should probably go take a shower to figure it out
GMoney616 ยท 47 points ยท Posted at 16:59:43 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I want to be the God of when you're driving to work and you realize you forgot something at home but you're debating whether it's too late/too far to go back for it.
I'd be the god of bartending. Seems like i'd get to have all the fun when apollo comes in with his drunk buddies trying to talk shit to zeus and his crew.
Jesus. With The amount of times I've created an insane shower argument and never had the opportunity to use them, I'd pray to you more than five times a day.
Jaybo21 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 22:46:28 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
So glad to know I'm not the only one who does this, as evidenced by the number of up votes.
I've fought my shower before, as well as broken up fights between multiple objects in my shower. It's hard to to explain how but r/Ambien should clear that right up. Apparently I need you in my life
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:39:45 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I have my faithful followers: the few stuck in decades past who pass on their devotion to their next of kin; the elite music listeners; those present in the "good old days." Those days may rise once again.
sinRes ยท 10 points ยท Posted at 19:17:24 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The God of that last bit of pee that always comes out even though you definitely finished and you shook it and then tried to go again and couldn't but god damn there it is anyway and now you've stained your underwear.
You know, I never intended to only use 16 characters in my posts but your like the third person to reference my name so I'm thinking about it. I think it'd be cool.
waz223 ยท 193 points ยท Posted at 13:50:29 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
U dun gooofed up that one mrmanymorelettersthansixteen
Fez tells me, if he could go back in time and do one thing it would be to take back 5 words he spoke "Now you're ugly on the outside just like the inside".
That's more than 5 words...
Yeah he doesn't know, words just kind of run together with him.
But I thought you were the God of Sidewalk Travel?
Megmca ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 21:15:39 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Then I'll be the God of that last little bit of gas that you can't shake off the nozzle and always drips on the ground. Pray to me while rattling the nozzle and those precious drops of fuel will go in the tank where they belong!
dankukri ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 23:58:22 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Am I the only one who just dabs it with a folded up bit of toilet paper?
Are you also the God of "I definitely thought I was done peeing, but I just got back in bed and I have to go again. So do I just hold it til morning or go now?"
[deleted] ยท 320 points ยท Posted at 13:44:45 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of printers/scanners/copy machines. I like to fuck shit up.
Knapperx ยท 22 points ยท Posted at 15:42:48 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
You'll queue up some buggy spools, eh? I think you and I have some business to discuss.
K_cutt08 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 17:09:19 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Similar to the machine spirits of the Warhammer 40K universe?
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:09:52 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Exactly, only When I'm feeling particularly vengeful, I Empty the toner you just filled yesterday, and you find out the inside of your printer is totally gunked with more toner than the machine has ever had in it ever.
Sadly no, they do this to me at my actual home. My office is in the backyard so my work day is.. Lovingly encumbered by stupid people every day.
They will literally turn on the music in the morning, then get in their cars and leave. Reportedly they started doing this to annoy a different neighbor who once complained to the police about noise at a party (on a weekday as I recall, at 3am). Hence every thing being just as annoying as they are legally allowed.
They are so driven to inflict this torture on their fellow man that last year when their stereo broke.. Instead of calling quits on the years of torment. They ran out first thing and bought a new one, setup it up and arrived late for work as a result (I admire their determination and sheer hatred for mankind.. Was it not for the fact that I am the unintended target).
Now the people they intend to annoy are out all day for work but I get to suffer instead. I'd complain, but we know what they did to the last people who made an entirely reasonable complain. I live in fear for what they might dream up for such an offense.
The end result is that I am subjected to what can best be described at torture. Slowly going insane with no recourse to grant me a measure of sweet relief.
Smite these morons with curiously accurate thunderbolts.
Technically, "alright" isn't actually a real word. It's a misspelling of "all right" but many have just accepted "alright" as a new word with slightly different meaning, basically a shortened version that means ok/satisfactory.
So it's alright that you didn't use all right.
Efpophis ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 19:21:42 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The original was actually "all right," but I corrected it to "alright" because somehow I think the Captain would be more likely to use alright or just not give a fuck.
If you're looking for fast advancement this is a fantastic role. When any mid tier god is overwhelmed people will pray to you instead for some result instead of the ideal result. You'll become famous in no time.
Well please tell the lady that did the job before you that I thank her for the blessings of an even life she bestowed on me. And I wanted to say hello and let you know that I've been praying to this goddess since I was in preschool. All my wishes are yours. (Literally. I've wished the same thing since I can remember, and it always comes true)
You'll ensure everyone has 1 notification on Facebook at all times.
Krade33 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 20:00:26 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
My family always says, "Better than it was," after finishing some work on the house. I think... I think that means we're giving thanks and praise to you.
I would be okay with this. Beats being promised perfection, and then disappointed later. Yes, i believe we all need moderate happiness, all praise the the goodess Meh.
Anouther ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 20:49:28 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
If I see my lane slowing down and the other lanes speeding up a bit, should I stay or change lanes? I don't want to be disloyal to my lane, but I also want to get there on time. I don't know which choice to make, help me!
lemonpjb ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:18:10 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
That's not goodness. That's mediocrity. You're goddess of doing a half ass job.
Don't forget about James the God of Gravy. Must always worship Jeffery and James.
oorza ยท 446 points ยท Posted at 12:58:32 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Masturbating, what other choice is there? All of the other deities would laugh in my face as I ascended and quickly became the most worshiped and well-loved of all the Gods.
Nightkind ยท 905 points ยท Posted at 15:41:24 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
werelock ยท 77 points ยท Posted at 17:17:45 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Can't forget the ladies - Orgasmus shall be his name. Actually... Shouldn't he be a hermaphrodite to cover both genders?
Edit: /u/oorza what do you have to say? Are you only for the guys and therefore Ejaculatus, or both genders and become the mighty Orgasmus? Hell, even Zeus would pray to you (while banging something you wouldn't believe)
Punkeec ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:48:42 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Dearest god /u/oorza please don't let anyone walk in to my room right now.
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:45:40 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Wow, imagine that - to have a God who encourages masturbation and doesn't watch you do it, before flooding you with inexplicable guilt and reminding you that most of your dead relatives just watched too.
Still, I can't help but think it's a bit higher-skilled than an entry level position.
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 20:36:23 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Mercury is already in charge of that. So not only have you now pissed off a god but major deity at that. You are brutally dismembered from your member.
dankukri ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:00:39 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Fun fact: Apollo taught Pan how to masturbate because he was lonely.
All my guitar picks have apparently transmuted into bobby pins. I can search my room all over and come up with zero guitar picks and like 30 bobby pins. Then I can do the same thing the very next day.
We have this problem at my house. Our cats got into my container of hair ties and his box of guitar picks. Now we are locked in some strange, mildly annoying "Gift of the Magi" situation, where I end up finding picks when I look for hair ties, and he finds hair ties every time he looks for picks.
I'm sure our cats think its hilarious.
jerslan ยท 28 points ยท Posted at 17:08:55 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
"The humans have grown suspicious of our plans. Time to start sleeping on their heads so we might smother them as they slumber."
I have been keeping an eye on them all since the incident. I've recouped the vast majority of my hair ties, and honestly it seems to me like they just liked to bat them around and play with them, cause I usually found them pawed under the couches or tables. I do appreciate the concern though! Kitty health is very important :)
I fucking hate this copy paste reply (or maybe you even typed it out) it's so shitty, backhanded and sarcastic and it adds nothing to the conversation. Not like some of the other Reddit common comments, which might provoke a laugh or exhale through the nose, no, this one just leaves you annoyed and with a bad taste in your mouth. It's not even clever. Fuck you.
lezred ยท 9 points ยท Posted at 18:25:51 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
This.
[deleted] ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 17:59:40 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Because seeing the same reference ten times in the comments section of every post you click, is still hilarious. Chill out bro!
tdogg8 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 18:01:44 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I literally have no idea what the original reference was. People just assume everyone has seen everything they have.
Which makes me doubt the validity. Everyone over-exaggerates, the 30 is probably like 3 his sister left when she passed out drunk on his futon after her 14th 21st birthday.
Blast338 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 20:19:21 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Maybe you're trapped in a fallout game with a flawed spawn system
Nyrb ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 15:19:46 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Do you have a girlfriend/sister/female roommates?
Vexxinic ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 15:37:04 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
This guy fucks.
PBFT ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 16:22:32 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
That's Sally the Goddess of Bobby Pins. The legends say she ascended to Mount Olympus after losing all of her bobby pins and falling into a rage so great it could best even Zeus' temper. Her power is to transmute random objects into bobby pins in order to get revenge on the world.
nexx84 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 16:25:44 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
so some poor girl somewhere just wants her hair up and all she can find is plectrums .
I have the opposite problem. I'm a woman, I search all over the house for bobby pins and hair ties, but instead find the little balls my dude uses for slingshots. He claims to only find the bobby pins/hair ties around the house.
โMaybe theyโre a different kind of life-form. Maybe they get their nourishment out of the elements in the
air. You know what safety pins areโthese other kinds of them? Oscar, the safety pins are the
pupa-forms and then they, like, hatch. Into the larval-forms. Which look just like coat hangers. They feel
like them, even, but theyโre not. Oscar, theyโre not, not really, not really, notโฆโ
He began to cry into his hands. Oscar looked at him. He shook his head.
After a minute, Ferd controlled himself somewhat. He snuffled. โAll these bicycles the cops find, and they
hold them waiting for owners to show up, and then we buy them at the sale because no owners show up
because there arenโt any, and the same with the ones the kids are always trying to sell us, and they say
they just found them, and they really did because they were never made in a factory. They grew. They
grow. You smash them and throw them away, they regenerate.โ
Oscar turned to someone who wasnโt there and waggled his head. โHoo, boy,โ he said. Then, to Ferd:
โYou mean one day thereโs a safety pin and the next day instead thereโs a coat hanger?โ
[...]
Ferdโs eyes focused through wall, buildings, park, more buildings, to the horizon. โYou got to get the
picture. Iโm not talking about real pins or hangers. I got a name for the othersโโfalse friends,โ I call
them. In high school French, we had to watch out for French words that looked like English words, but
really were different. โFaux amis,โ they call them. False friends. Pseudo-pins. Pseudo-hangersโฆ Who
eats them? I donโt know for sure. Pseudo-vacuum cleaners, maybe?โ
"Or All The Seas With Oysters" (1958) Avram Davidson
It won the Hugo Award for Best Short Story in 1958.
Would also appreciate a quick shout out to the God of hair ties, if they could be returned I really would love to get my GF to stop blaming me for whatever reason. Like I'm some sort of deviant hair scrunchie klepto
[deleted] ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 15:11:36 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)*
I don't have this issue, I made a pick myself and haven't lost one since.
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:41:16 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I did that for a while. I had several made from different hard woods, ebony, maple, walnut, etc. I had two bone picks I made as well. Still lost them.
My favorite current picks are the ones I got last Christmas and still have most of. They are the cheap Peavey Marvel picks, each has a picture of a Marvel superhero on it. I find the incredible hulk gives a great tone, but the punisher is my go to pick.
The problem of biro loss has been solved, by the way. Do read on...
Veet Voojagig, was a quiet young student at the University of Maximeglon, who pursued a brilliant academic career studying ancient philology, transformational ethics and the wave harmonic theory of historical perception, and then, after a night of drinking Pan Galactic Gargle Blasters with Zaphod Beeblebrox, became increasingly obsessed with the problem of what had happened to all the biros he'd bought over the past few years.
There followed a long period of painstaking research during which he visited all the major centres of biro loss throughout the galaxy and eventually came up with a quaint little theory which caught the public imagination at the time. Somewhere in the cosmos, he said, along with all the planets inhabited by humanoids, reptiloids, fishoids, walking treeoids and superintelligent shades of the colour blue, there was also a planet entirely given over to biro life forms. And it was to this planet that unattended biros would make thier way, slipping away quietly through wormholes in space to a world where they knew they could enjoy a uniquely biroid lifestyle, responding to highly biro-orientated stimuli, and generally leading the biro equivalent of the good life.
And as theories go this was all very fine and pleasant until Veet Voojagig suddenly claimed to have found this planet, and to have worked there for a while driving a limousine for a family of cheap retractables, whereupon he was taken away, locked up, wrote a book, and was finally sent into tax exile, which is the usual fate reserved for those who are determined to make a fool of themselves in public.
When one day an expedition was sent to the spatial coordinates that Voojagig had claimed for this planet they discovered only a small asteroid inhabited by a solitary old man who claimed repeatedly that nothing was true, though he was later discovered to be lying.
There did however, remain the question of both the mysterious 60,000 Altairian dollars paid yearly into his Brantisvogan bank account, and of course Zaphod Beeblebrox's highly profitable second-hand biro business.
CJLocke ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:59:20 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I find that whenever I'm looking for a pick, I can't find one anywhere, but if I'm looking for literally any other object I find piles of picks everywhere.
I am the god of guitars, pray to me regarding guitar or bass issues, or before a gig so that your show will run smoothly. An offering of a pack of slinkys will ensure that your strings don't break, no matter how many mad riffs you play, and that they will stay in tune, because that damn draft in the rehearsal room always makes your g-string eheheh sharp.
Those times your picks go missing? It's because you didn't meet my demands, mortal. Please me and you will retrieve your favourite tortex.
That's what I did. It makes finding socks at 5am when I need to get dressed for work so much easier.
[deleted] ยท 16 points ยท Posted at 15:42:43 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I've been in the US Army for 14 years, and because of this I have what seems like hundreds of OD Green socks in different shapes and sizes. I put them all in a drawer and just grab two random green socks. They all match color and that's all that's important.
Loken89 ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 16:27:58 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Until you get a brand new one mixed with an old, faded one and get called for a random weigh and tape...
See, buying the same kinds of socks over and over again is key. I have two kids, a boy and a girl. My son has only white socks, so they all match. With my daughter, I got drawn into buying lots of different colors and designs and patterns. Every morning before school, we're frantically tearing apart her drawers, looking for two that look even vaguely similar...
ndpugs ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:57:31 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
My friend said, "Your socks are two different colors."
I said "Yeah, but to me, they're the same, 'cause I go by thickness."
--Stephen Wright
--Michael Scott
Lesp00n ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 15:59:40 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
If only I could reach the point if not giving a shit. For me, it's the length, type of material, and snugness. I don't really care if the color/pattern matches, but it just feels wrong when they don't match. If one is loose and the other snug it drives me nuts all day long.
Totally. That's the only thing that I care about, as long as the socks sorta feel similar. And none of this wearing one knee-high and one crew cut. I also don't like those ankle socks. They always slip down my feet.
rawbdor ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 15:34:17 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I went into this bar and sat down next to a pretty girl. She looked at me and said, "You're wearing two different colored socks." I said, "Yeah, I know, but to me they're the same because I go by thickness."
I totally agree! Socks should be fun, just like Calvin wearing his favourite superman Spaceman Spiff underpants. It gives you a nice contentment all day.
As far as I can tell in Europe British people will occasionally wear bright yellow dress socks or something and everyone else will think they're nuts. Not really a thing elsewhere.
akaioi ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 15:34:04 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
But would you risk wearing a ninja sock on one foot and a pirate sock on another? Some things are simply not done!
Or just sort of similar socks. For everyday use I have only thin black socks and thick black wool socks for winter. My dress socks are important, so they don't go missing (they're also more colorful so they don't get trapped inside other black clothes)
My socks actually match today because they are new.. But I buy the same shape socks so it doesn't matter what socks I grab. They fit the same, but rarely look the same.
Id do that too but being a guy with mismatched socks everyone thinks your a scrub, poor, homeless and a loser. Girls do it and everyone thinks it's cute.
When you have socks that weird people think its just on-purpose that they don't match.
blamb211 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:33:27 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Pretty sure I'm wearing a mismatched pair right now. They're both Hanes, so that's close, but I'm pretty sure they weren't from the same pack, or even the same type.
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:37:04 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
But if you're wearing skulls with pink bows that means you're probably female. If you are, no one gives a shit because it's so much quirkier and cuter for a female to do it.
Yes, I'm a girl, but out of the wealth of things I could care about on a guy, what his socks are like doesn't even rate. He could wear my green & black socks with skulls wearing pink bows and I wouldn't care. As long as he wasn't obnoxious about it (or in general) I'd think it was funny and cute of him to wear interesting socks rather than boring ones.
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:56:01 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I agree with you, but not everyone thinks like you do. To me, it's only cute and funny until they reach a certain age. After a while, it probably won't be cute for either gender to wear mismatched socks.
This only works with socks that are really similar. Otherwise you just end up thinking about your feet way more than necessary all day.
B_bunnie ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 20:34:19 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
But sometimes you just can't be that kind of person. My middle sister and I wear crazy patterned socks because they are fun, but while it is nifty when you actually have a pair, give zero fucks about wearing mismatched socks. On the other hand, my oldest sister can't only NOT do that, but if she knows that WE are (even if it is completely concealed), she refuses to leave the house with us.
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 23:52:54 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I remember a similar thread to this last month where someone realized that people actually do notice/ care, especially in an office. It looks like you're a manchild
If I worked in a highly professional atmosphere, then I would wear matching socks. I have done so in the past, and also when there's any chance of my socks being seen in such an environment. Otherwise, idgaf.
I'm currently wearing a grey sock with ninjas on it on my right foot, and a green and black striped one with skulls wearing pink bows on it on my left foot
I don't buy the same type of socks.
I still pair the singles.
They match in the fact they're both socks.
No one's going to see the bastard things anyway.
Wemedge ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:06:23 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The problem would be people would find an odd sock in their washing, and think that they lost a sock, not gained one.
[deleted] ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 16:30:52 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I love when I lose one sock in the laundry, and then weeks later, my number of socks becomes even again. Did the missing sock return out of the dimension it slipped into, or did I lose another sock, coincidentally of the same type of the previously lost sock?
The world will never know.
masonryf ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 16:46:42 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The only god ive read that i would pray to in here, also i would build shrines, just insure my socks.
mistidoi ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 16:50:35 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I had a stupid idea the other day about making a website along the lines of paperbackswap.com with some sophisticated photo recognition. You would take photos of all your unmatched socks and and it would let you request available mates be shipped to you, and mail out lone socks for sock credit.
Then I remembered that the shipping would likely be more than a new pair of socks. Still, good businesses have been made out of dumber ideas.
My band (more like guys I jam with) are in the process of writing about the creature that steals these socks. His name is Socktopus. He has the power to create interdimensional portals through washing machines to the sock dimension, which is where he takes the socks. I love how well what my band and I have already established fits with your comment.
Piggy backing off this, I'd be the god that puts tiny holes in the bottom of your socks that only grow 5 hours into a work day and now your foot sticks to the insole.
And lo, though he had searched the world over for his plectrum. And though he had totally just dropped it. The brightly coloured yellow plastic shape was ne'er to be seen again. For Jeff was cross with the bassist, for he had not leaned the damn chord progression even though he had ALL week to practice. And thus it was that bassists were condemned to fingerpick thence forth.
Would literally kill the sock industry single handed.
Ex sock workers would refer to you as their demon and take your name in vain.
Many would then find themselves with excess cash from not buying socks and in return start spending money on more illicit habits such as drugs.
The world would slowly turn into a pit of heroin, meth and ket addicts turning the world into chaos and causing an apocalypse. The many who once cursed you would be shunned, becoming mad in their belief that the Armageddon was caused by you, and would start religious crusades to extinguish the plight that had befell the earth.
The U.K. Would still not legalise cannabis as we still live in the sixties though. cries
jeffbell ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 15:52:02 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
rtwpsom2 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 16:40:14 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
OP said low level, that right their is Olympian level godhood.
Onijness ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 19:04:49 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I've found so many other people's socks in my laundry... It's the damn lip between the door and the hull of the machine guys just figure it out so I don't have to own a continuously growing collection...
So how can you empathise with people bereft of socks? Now excuse me rushing off, but I have thousands of worshippers standing around in one sock and counting on me.
There are actually two ways to do it successfully. One is with the grilled cheese toaster bags. The other is to only put cheese in the middle of your bread, turn the toaster sideways, and then cut the crust off once it's out. Both are fairly wasteful and sub-par to a cast iron pan anyways, IMO, but it can be done.
Qxzkjp ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 17:05:13 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
You'll still destroy the toaster of you use the second way, if it's made of plastic. Just in case anyone's thinking of trying it.
And even if the toaster is made of metal, it will be way too hot to touch on top.
I feel like putting cheese on the side of the bread facing up in both slots and then flipping one over and smashing them together would work just fine as long as you don't let any part of the cheese hang off the bread. I dunno.
I did this one time and started a small house fire. Obviously the Toaster God took great offense. But on the bright side, I now have a toaster that's super fancy with bagel slots and settings for specific foods.
I mean I used to make grilled cheese in the toaster by really squishing the edges of the bread together and putting it in like normal toast. No problems for me.
Please omnipotent toaster god...allow my eggo waffle to not burned and also not frozen in the middle. In return i will clean my crumb catch more than once a year.
I would be the god of mistype. Every badly speld comment on the Internet would be a silent prayer to my greatness. The amount of pray-energy collected would quickly propell me to the highest echelon of the gods.
Also I wouldn't have to proofread anything ever again.
LifeWulf ยท 26 points ยท Posted at 17:18:42 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
speld
Hey, one of your followers has to do that, that doesn't count!
Why doesn't this exist? Holy hell I'd give...uhm...well not my right arm...I need that for the keyboard...but I'd give something for an RGB-backlit Green...
Beleynn ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 19:53:26 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Agreed. I have a Corsair K95 RGB-backlit with Blue switches, but Green would be better. Apparently we're a small minority - there aren't many keyboards out there with Greens
I use blues as well currently, but yeah...wish I could get greens...
Speaking of the K95, how you liking that? I need a new keyboard, and I was thinking of getting that one...
EDIT: OH...boo...nevermind. Newegg, where I has keyboard money, doesn't sell the RGB 95 with Blue switches...only red and brown...yuck...
Beleynn ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 22:12:41 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The K95 is amazing. I sometimes accidentally hit F11 or F12 when trying to hit backspace, but i've only had it for a week, so I'm sure I'll adjust.
If you can't shop directly from Corsair (where I got mine), just keep an eye out. Apparently they briefly discontinued the K95 in blue due to low demand, then brought it back due to... customer demand. So just keep an eye out - it may reappear.
I just disassembled my IBM keyboard to give it a long overdue cleaning. I think I put some of the springs for the bigger keys in the wrong holes and it doesn't work like it used to. I'll take it apart again and pray to you as I reassemble it.
Hey so this sounds weird but like 2 years ago I tagged you after you made this comment and ever since then whenever I see you post a comment I am reminded of that day, and I feel like I can't just untag you without letting you know that I had been stalking you for the past two years. Anyway, that gives me closure, gonna untag you, you know, now, after all this time.
But behold, you have 3 of the pants already, and Kanai's Cube can randomly turn one of your extras in the set into something different of the same set!
The pain of burning through a few hundred Death's Breaths upgrading rares to get Gungdo Gear, only to end up with enough of these monstrosities to choke a large whale.
Swap the boots and helm for Sages, change whatever ring you feel to a RoRG and you have yourself a strong generator build.
If you take out 2 pieces of Raiment and put 2 Uli in, you get the same strength Generator build, but without the 4pc dashing of Raiment, and you instead gain the EP proc which just blows everything up.
It's not as good as In-geom (I've only ever had one, late last season) but it'll get by just fine in T7 which is where it's best to farm anyway.
EDIT: Why do you try to farm without Sages? They're a craftable and it's double drops which means T7 is like guaranteed double drop every time.
You still need RNGsus! I had to upgrade roughly 40 Diabo's for my torch (SWK build). I did get like 12 Flying Dragons, 3 of which were ancient so that was sweet. But after getting you're 15th Staff of Kyro or 5th Paddle you start thinking stuff like "Maybe RNGsus doesn't exist? Maybe Torch was removed from the game."
I drop 100 Wirts Bells on the floor and praise Wirt the RNG god. Wirt has blessed me with 6 set Immortal Kings, 4 of them ancient and a solid gavel of judgement. Praise be to Wirt.
ebsoryn ยท 354 points ยท Posted at 13:43:20 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
But RNGESUS, will thou bless me with great RNG or just RNG?
Subbrick ยท 775 points ยท Posted at 14:25:14 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Whether it is good RNG or bad RNG is determined randomly!
Such is the will of RNGesus.
BozzCL ยท 18 points ยท Posted at 15:37:43 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I could have used you earlier, I soft-reset for my shiny Rayquaza and got a good build. Not great, just good.
This exchange is SO close to being an Oglaf strip, all it requires now is the stripping part.
[deleted] ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 16:01:28 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
But not actually randomly, and the great engine of RNG will have streak-breakers, so the inevitable bad streak doesn't go on so long you start to doubt his benevolent randomness.
[deleted] ยท 7 points ยท Posted at 16:25:08 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
the great engine of RNG will have streak-breakers, so the inevitable bad streak doesn't go on so long you start to doubt his benevolent randomness.
So you're saying it will be in every way completely indistinguishable from actual randomness?
Putting aside the fact you're replying to a comment 2 days old, I was reffering to the Clustering Illusion, where people underestimate the streakiness of random distributions.
[deleted] ยท 14 points ยท Posted at 15:47:58 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Our RNGesus which art in a server, Hallowed be thy algorithm.
Thy randomness come, Thy will be done in Azeroth, and in Gielinor.
Give us this day our daily drops.
And forgive us our cursing, as we forgive our scammers.
And lead us not into losses, but deliver us to profit:
For thine is the randomness, and the luck, and the odds, for ever.
Amen.
telehax ยท 159 points ยท Posted at 14:38:12 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
nomenMei ยท 16 points ยท Posted at 16:02:54 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
yeah, RNGesus is actually the god of psuedo-random number generators. Which seems like kind of a downgrade, but when you take the world as it is now RNGesus has significantly more influence than TRNGesus
2 shields per 26 kills is pretty good rate actually
Ketherah ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 21:34:48 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Lei Shen's warlock trinket was pretty much necessary to kick ass in ToT (it became insane in SOO). I coined every single chance I could, LFR & Normals. I finally got it in normal mode THE WEEK IT WAS NERFED.
Thanks for the awesome looking gun...too bad I'm a lock and can't use it!
Hey look, that's an awesome set of pants. Oh, mail. :(
Nastye ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:45:18 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
22 kills until I had my Glaives. I then proceeded to use them to farm Shadowfrost Shards. Literally the last thing I did in WoW before it became too boring (and I got banned till November cough)
Ah, hmm. We emote salad tossing on one of our death knights to pray for warforged and sockets. I also believe the term "elbow-deep" was uttered last night.
Might be able to argue that card shuffling counts as RNG. Any board games that don't have any randomness at all? I can't think of any but I haven't really gotten into tabletop games
Wolfszeit ยท 24 points ยท Posted at 16:37:08 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Chess with RNG elements sounds kinda hilarious. And infuriating. Queen moves to take a pawn, only to roll a critical miss and kill herself on the serf's pike instead.
It does if a computer is doing it, or if you write numbers on the cards. The principle is the same, only the symbols used are different. You could think of a deck of cards as a RNG that gives two numbers, in the ranges 1-4 and 1-13 respectively with each combination having equal probability 1 in 52.
And hearthstone is a competitive game?? Also cod seems to be doing decent with the competitive scene and their entire bulletspray is calculated with RNG. mmorpgs like wow are kinda competitive, there are people who compete to get world firsts etc.
Ohlo ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 20:27:08 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Also cod seems to be doing decent with the competitive scene
Not really. Also, can you call it competitive when the bulk of the games played are on console with aim assist? It's not exactly hard to be great at call of duty if you're remotely decent at shooters. Even some of the "pros" agree that the game is a bit ridiculous. It's fun, sure, but it's just too casual to be regarded competitively.
CS, on the other hand, is doing great as far as EU and NA is concerned. Asians don't really buy into the shooter genre much.
Yeah i know cod isnt as good as a competitive game as Cs is. But theres still quite a bit in prize money.
Ohlo ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 21:09:21 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
According to cod's official website, the last tournament was in july? I can't really find much more information about it. Nothing easily popping up on google kind of goes to show it's not that popular. There's really not much on twitch either. I remember seeing a tournament or two for black ops 2, but that was about 3 titles ago? I'm not sure if it came before or after ghosts. There's been a few people playing the BO3 beta though. It looks exactly the same as every cod game - instant gratification, casual learning curve, casual skill ceiling, pretty graphics.
JharTCS ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 21:42:18 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
renako ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 20:22:46 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
But anyone who's played MMORPGs knows the pains of their loot not dropping, their loot rolls lost, their random procs not lining up...
That one guy who got the super rare mount on their first try. Fuck that guy.
Ohlo ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 20:29:17 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Yeah, but that doesn't affect the competitive environment of an esport. MMORPGs aren't esports anyway. Hearthstone, as bland, boring (for me, personally) and unbalanced as it is, is still an esport with a solid competitive environment built around it.
I think mmorpg's have more rng in them, ewpecially if they have randomly generated dungeons al damage and heals are calculated with rng, the loot you get afterwards is rng
Then what does hearthstone have to do with anything? Why make a totally unrelatef comment?
Threemor ยท 7 points ยท Posted at 15:01:56 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
A lot of cards in Hearthstone rely on RNG for their effects (As well as the order of the deck). So by praying to you, their chances of victory will rise. I think /u/fattiydut was just making a joke.
over8000 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 16:28:49 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Hearthstone is particularly rng dependant to the point where a lot of what happens in the game is a result of random chance. I would even argue a lot of games are almost entirely decided on random chance.
RNGesus. I am to play the world of warships later today. Would the bestow upon me good RNG so that my rounds hit and my enemies miss? If so we shall erect your statue on both the port and starboard sides of my super structure so that my enemies run in fear knowing well that RNGesus is traveling with me today.
Thank you for the mythoclast the other day. I really appreciate it, it's wonderful! My next prayer is for the ram. Prayer circles are already active.
Praiz be unto you, if pseudo-randomness deems that it should.
Praise be unto thee, RNGESUS. For today I will grind the strike playlist. Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord RNGESUS! In his great mercy he has given us new rolls on gear and a living hope that through the resurrection of RNGESUS from the dead, he shall bestow upon us better stats for our weapons.
d4m4s74 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:08:20 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Please RNGsus, give me 17 minutes of perfect RNG so I can finally get the world record in Pokemon Blue noSC.
Please Zarqueth, the one true god. God of random numbers. The god of good and bad drops. God of extensive curses and praises. God of tears and cheers. I want, no need the fatebringer. I have sacrificed nights and weekends. And man,y many of my characters lives. HellIi have sacrificed portions of my own life. For one damn gun. So please be kind. And randomly drop it for me.
That's the final clone that goes through the extraction ceremony, I thought? The real Baal goes to destroy the ship, then later gets sliced in half. (Then the final clone gets Baal sucked out).
Stargate SG-1. Definitely worth the watch. See the movie Stargate first, then start the show. All ten seasons are on Amazon Prime. Then watch Stargate Atlantis (which actually runs concurrently with SG-1 seasons 7-10 i think) and then Stargate Universe.
vanman33 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:02:14 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Ah ok. Yeah that's on the agenda for someday. When it first started playing I refused to watch it because I refused to watch Richard Dean Anderson as anyone except MacGyver, but I've heard a lot of good things about it.
Yew, Yewwe, Yue, Youe, Youwe, Ewwe. Plus the traditional you. There are a lot of ways to make homonyms in English.
iSukz ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 23:32:46 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Or better yet "You".
Source: my last name is " You".
semantik ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:33:14 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
He would be in direct competition of the oriental god "hackshaw". Which makes me think I should be the god of Onomatopoeias. Making sure you get the right sound for the location of the world you are in so as not to look like a complete outcast. Can't speak the language? Don't worry, you got the right onomatopoeia.
pk2k0k ยท 407 points ยท Posted at 15:39:09 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I would be your opposing force, the God-of-sneezes-that-get-interrupted-for-some-reason. People would hate me.
dfn85 ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 19:18:25 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
This only works for about a quarter of the population, though.
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 20:00:50 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I've always been the opposite. If I have to sneeze and I look at a bright light, I don't have to sneeze any more. Kinda strange.
dfn85 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 20:36:45 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I sort of experience both. If I have one stuck, I can look at the light and make it happen. But, sometimes it does just make the sneeze urge disappear entirely.
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 22:46:57 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I wonder what the science behind that is.
dfn85 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 23:07:22 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I know that one of the current theories of photic sneezing is that it's a malfunction of neurons. It's almost as if the wrong ones are triggered when the eyes are suddenly exposed to bright light, causing the sneeze. So, maybe the neurons responsible for activating the sneezing reflex can also be "untriggered", leading to no more need to sneeze?
[deleted] ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 23:44:29 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
As your powers of sneeze-control fluctuate, your poor subjects will be stuck in several minute limbos of that uncomfortable almost-sneeze state, with that God-awful (pun not intended) presneeze expression and complete inability to speak or function until you either sneeze or the sensation goes away.
Met a girl at a New Year's Eve party who was trying to sneeze by couldn't quite get it out. I said, "oh I can help with that... God Bless You" She immediately lost that concentrated about to sneeze face and glared angrily at me. I think that's the fastest I've ever made an enemy out of a total stranger. It was a few minutes after midnight so I like to think I helped her start her year off right.
pk2k0k ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:31:12 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)*
For the rest of the evening, she was wandering around squinting at lights. You ruined her night, you utter bastard. Thanks! Take that, /u/captain_rucksack!
There's actually a song that mentions this. "God of No More" by Starbomb. It's about Kratos running out of God's to kill, so turning to slaughtering minor gods. The final one is "The God of that thing, where you're just about to sneeze, then your friend is all 'hey what's up!' and you suddenly FREEZE, But you still have that nose tingle, it's a horrible tease! And you're like FUUUUUUUUUUUCK!"
People who shout pineapple before you sneeze are your priests.
[deleted] ยท 184 points ยท Posted at 16:07:25 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
This seems like a legit entry level position. Literally thousands of requests a minute, none of them really needing any real attention, but still draining on you nonetheless.
Damn, I just spent 2 precious minutes trying to find this sub on google to link it. And that's why... you always check the comments.
mapman87 ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 15:40:37 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
My flatmate is already the god of sneezing. Constantly sneezes, and not just a little one, these are full blown wake up everyone within a half mile radius sneeze. They usually come in threes as well!
Pluck a single hair from your nose and say ten "In Expulsiors."
Your wish is granted.
goodwid ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 20:38:35 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
You're an angry god...
[deleted] ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 18:23:09 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Oh my god I would sacrifice a small animal or child for you every day if I didn't have to hear or feel like participating in that blessing madness anymore!
I'd be the god of that-thing-where-you're-just-about-to-sneeze-and-then-your-friend's-all-"hey-what's-up"-and-you're-starting-to-freeze-but-you-still-have-that-nose-tingle-it's-a-horrible-tease-and-you're-like-fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck.
I have recently stopped blessing people when they sneeze. Not being religious it never felt right, so now I jut say "sneeze" and people thank me like it is a bless you.
I would be Anoia.
Goddess of Things That Get Stuck in Drawers, a minorย goddessย on theDiscworld. When someone rattles a drawer and cries "How can it close on the damned thing but not open with it? Who bought this? Do we ever use it?", even though the person might be genuinely irritated or even exasperated, it is as praise unto Anoia. Faithful Anoians (worshippers of Anoia) purposefully rattle their drawers and complain every day. Anoia also finds objects that roll under other objects and things stuck in sofa cushions, and is considering handling stuck zippers. She eats corkscrews.
You could be right - the side plots of the 40-or-so books all meld together a bit for me sometimes. Either way, I enjoy Anoia.
Da-nile ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 21:27:10 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I've read all of the books, some more than once and while I was reading your comment, I literally just got that her name is a derivative of the word, "annoy"... wow.
Traffic. Though I think it is slightly above entry-level, none of the other Gods want to deal with the constant cursing that is directed at the God of Traffic. It's a perfect testing position, if you can handle the high pressure of traffic you will move up in the Pantheon and be expected to find a new God of Traffic.
Walkie-Man. He of the pedestrian crossing, keeping us safe from encroaching vehicles.
hmd27 ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 16:43:40 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I would smite all those fuckers who cruise in the passing lane keeping faster traffic from passing. It makes me rage when people refuse to move to the slow lane.
Asphaltia, praise be unto thee. May She rule the roadways fairly.
novvesyn ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 16:08:14 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
But finding a replacement is nigh impossible, so you stay in that entry level position forever
Rbajeah ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 18:44:41 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The way that backfires is that you become so good at it, no one wants to move you for fear of things going back to how they once were.
Edit: a word
hde128 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 19:11:07 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I was thinking the traffic light would be a more appropriately mundane power. There's this light in town that's green for ten seconds in direction and two minutes in the other direction. It can cause 15-30 minute backups during peak hours. I just want to let more people go through it by keeping it green slightly longer. That's mundane enough for me, but still useful.
Shdwdrgn ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 20:43:12 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I was also going to say God of the Traffic Lights, but I would be a vengeful god... Like, I saw you cut off someone back there, so every light through town is going to be red for you. Holding up traffic because you don't like people passing you? Fine, the other lanes will be green, but you get the perpetual red light. On the other hand, a suitable sacrifice will ensure you get to work before your boss on Monday morning. Your boss probably drives a BMW or Audi anyway and deserves to be harassed.
Sq33KER ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 21:24:56 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I shall sacrifice a cat to you by throwing it onto a busy road during peak hour traffic
That's a fantastic theory, they still have yet to find the balance.
Kagsacar ยท 398 points ยท Posted at 13:33:29 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I am the God of that thing where your just about to sneeze, but then your friend is all "Hey whats up?" and you suddenly freeze, but then you still have that nose tingle, its a horrible tease, and you're like FUUUUCK!
My husband would constantly say "bless you" just as I'd start to sneeze, which would inevitably cause it to get stuck in my nose. Now, it happens to my 9 month old daughter and she gives the most frustrated growl - it's hilarious.
Kagsacar ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 14:54:53 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Denisius ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 16:06:18 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Don't you think that it would make Zeus angry falsifying shit like that?
Making Zeus angry isn't gonna do much for your chances to move up the hierarchy. It might actually get you chained to a rock for a millenia with a huge hungry eagle getting a piece of your tasty liver every day.
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:33:19 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Wouldn't that kind of put you in charge of the Fates as well? All the weaving and such... destiny etc requires a lot of data to be processed which to be done properly needs all sorts of nightmarish records keeping and data entry work.
I'd be Nokiana, the goddess of text/message notifications. You show your devotion by jumping to look when you see my symbols displayed on your phone's notifications bar and I can brighten your day or make you annoyed simply by appearing or not appearing...
I was thinking the God of cell phone vibrations. When you anger me, or I'm bored, I either torment you with phantom vibrations or fail to deliver a real vibration notification that you were waiting for. When you please me, you get precisely the vibrations you would have received otherwise. Basically I don't have to work if I'm pleased. It's like the laziest job in the world.
You think putting me in a blender or running me over with your car will stop me?? BWAHAHAHAAA!
0ffendid ยท 54 points ยท Posted at 16:11:54 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of Forgotten Passwords
If that position is already taken, then I'll take "God of passwords to that forgotten website you want to access months or years later, but you can't remember, so you just give up and create a new identity"
I'd like to work with you and be the god of Good Usernames Already Taken by Someone Else. I'd frustratingly pre-register the username you really wanted before you did. Unless of course the proper sacrifices are made at my temple.
And I'll be your teamate, as the God of Password Confirmation Email Never Delivered!
Should I not be pleased, I'd keep away from you the email including the password confirmation sent by a website you want to register with!
God of passwords to that forgotten website you want to access months or years later, but you can't remember, so you just give up and create a new identity but you can't because you already used your email to create that previous account and it won't let you reuse the same email so you can't make a new identity unless you also create a new email and that's a lot of work so you give up entirely
popcar2 ยท 8 points ยท Posted at 17:42:38 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
That seems a little too powerful, it should be "Worship me and your phone/computer/ipad's battery life will decrease 4 times slower in it's last 5 percent".
Is your holy place Star Bucks, or are you more of a "not fancy, just normal coffee", with your holy place at small coffee places? Or are you two, just there is a cult following that perceives it as one.
Much like Christianity, there are many different sects. The blue collar Dunkin Donuts, the ubiquitous Starbucks, home worship with instant coffee or the sacred kcup. It matters not, as long as the goddess gets her due
There be many rituals for worshiping her holiness, different ones coming from many parts of the world. The better you execute the rituals, the better her blessings be
Thou shalt get fresh beans.
Thou shalt grind them as soon as you can before brewing.
Thou shalt use water around 200 F (around 90 C)
Thou shalt salt thy grounds to make them less bitter
Three variants I know of are the following, though probably not perfect:
Pour over (automatic coffee makers are a variant of this)
Thou shalt grind thy beans fine
Thou shalt place your cone above thy cup
Thou shalt wet the grinds
Thou shalt make a continuous pour, covering thy beans
French Press
Thou shalt grind thy beans coarse
Thou shalt put thy beans in thy French Press
Thou shalt wet the beans. Wait thee for 30 seconds
Thou shalt fill thy French Press and wait (time varies for many)
Thou shalt plunge thy coffee and enjoy righteous flavors
Cold Brew
Thou shalt take coarsely ground beans and put them thy jar
Thou shalt wait 24 hours
Thou shalt filter said cold brew and enjoy righteous coffee concentrate
I would gladly be your demigod of espresso. I'll take care of grinding, tamping, and pulling the best damn shots known to humankind. What is thy bidding, goddess? Shall we keep them up all night, or mischievously replace their full-test stuff with decaf?
All hail arcticfox_12, Goddess of Coffee. She who admires northface, uggs, and yoga pants. Wear these articles three and she will bestow upon thee sweet sweet coffee. Wear these articles not, and all your coffee will taste like /u/airz23 's coffee when the VP calls in a favor...
elenthar ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 16:49:28 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Sweet coffee? Tis blasphemy! Thy coffee shalt be dark and bitter like the tears of your sleepy enemies and non-believers!
Good coffee is as bitter as you want it to be... You want a bitter, grainy coffee? Turkish stove top espresso. You want it sweet? Ice drip or cold brew.
Leemage ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 18:27:24 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Could you put a good word for me with the God of Things my Head Runs Into? I would seriously bake some fruity pebble Rice Krispie treats for any god that would guarantee I never hit my head on stupid open cabinet doors or a counter when I bend over and straighten back up or my car doorframe when I get in. Nothing infuriates me more.
You will be hated and feared, but not quite enough for people to do anything about it like turn on the light or move the coffee table an inch farther out of the way
I will be the God of Excellent Timing. Supplicate yourself to me and you'll be blessed with arriving at the donut shop just ahead of the office worker buying three dozen donuts for his mates. Doors will close right behind you, rain will start after you get home.
Piss me off and you'll end up at the returns desk at Marshalls behind bitter angry women looking to return formal gowns that have clearly been worn and yet they don't have the receipt. Why are you even there? Because you happened by at the precise moment they put out a matching glass vase that you broke as a kid and your mom has never forgiven you for, only you didn't notice the chip until after you gave it to her.
The god of towel fluffiness. Please me and you will find your towel dry and fluffy and just to your liking when you reach for it. Praise me, and perhaps your significant other was divinely inspired to run your towel through a warm tumble cycle while you were showering. Displease me? Your significant other just took a shower before you got home and hung the towel back up. It is limp, damp, and cold. Infuriate me and your towel is not there. As you run naked and wet through the hall, you recall in horror that you put all the towels in the wash two nights ago and forgot them. They are still in the washer and have started to smell.
O great one, thou art well known to me. How shall I praise Thee, so that my wife will stop hanging her wet towels so close to mine that all of the moisture drips off of hers and gets absorbed by mine? ;(
DrDew00 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 21:32:33 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
My wife hangs hers on the towel rack. I hang mine on the bathroom door. No shared wetness and she doesn't wipe her makeup on my towel.
I am Comebacken, God of whitty, on the spot, comebacks. If you make the generous sacrifice of one iguana, you shall never be without the whittiest, most dissful comebacks in a verbal conflict.
[deleted] ยท 8 points ยท Posted at 19:56:04 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
*witty
Azusanga ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 17:34:24 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
can i praise you by getting my comeback from op's mom's chin?
Mex-Box ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 16:45:29 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Do you want it dead or alive, cause I can kill it or them, how's all of them dead. Want me to shoot it or drown it? Electrocution? Do you need someONE killed... cause I'll kill em' right after I'm done with these damned iguanas.
The God of the Goops would cover all household product bottles that goop. My power knows no bounds...except that nasty smelling tar dandruff shampoo. I ain't fucking with that.
librlman ยท 55 points ยท Posted at 16:07:09 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I shall become Halfestus, God of Partial Credit.
My worshippers shall be legion.
They shall be young.
They shall be...not very bright.
[deleted] ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 20:00:27 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Maybe some of your followers will not be very bright, but a lot of them will be engineering students.
librlman ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 20:08:16 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Indeed.
Mylo-BT ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 16:50:39 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The muse of doodles--please me and everyone will think you're diligently taking notes. Piss me off and you'll get caught and/or you'll absent-mindedly draw something really cool but it'll be on lined paper.
Kynas ยท 21 points ยท Posted at 15:59:13 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of post orgasm clarity.
It will be me who whispers all those little truths you hear in your head in the 30 seconds after orgasm.
Bow to me or I will make you dread those 30 seconds so bad you can't get in the mood ever!
I feel like Vulcan will be hiding around the corners in Olympus and all his friends will make fun of him because he doesn't want to be a dick but your crush on him is just so obvious.
I will be the goddess you pray to when you say "please please please, let it work this time...." Experiments, your pos car, that long shot on tinder, your fiftieth job application, the software patch that just must work, all those heartfelt, one-off prayers - that's me.
velkito ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 10:38:15 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
You would be a god much more important than a mere entry level position
I am the god of reminding you about that thing you mentioned the other day that you needed to do at this time on this specific day but never remember because you've offloaded all appointment-related memory functions to me.
vol1123 ยท 11 points ยท Posted at 11:58:46 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Barimen ยท 16 points ยท Posted at 14:39:43 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of diarrhea. Pair up with the god of sneezes for punishing the evil, the wicked, the bitchy and the rude. Especially those who take out on retail workers and baristas.
You could be a pretty powerful God if you could cure all the third world from Cholera.
Gramage ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 21:27:18 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
What no love for bartenders? To whom do we make our offerings?
Barimen ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 21:50:48 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Sorry! I thought you fell under "baristas" clause. :-/
(Not a native speaker; the two are the same in my language.)
Gramage ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 22:03:21 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
All's good as long as my asshole customers get punished too. Just not in the bathrooms where I work, wait till they get home. :)
Barimen ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 22:10:48 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Of course not!
Diarrhetic sneezes MUST happen during the worst possible moments. During parties, most interesting movie/series scenes, foreplay, ultra-hard raids, match-deciding team-fights, ...
And I shall be Spella, cursing those who don't proofread and correcting spelling errors with a glowing red pen. You can have Reddit- I have a bone to pick with Downy.
sanmon00 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 16:05:32 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Heil grammar Hitler!
NimirRaj ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 17:32:37 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I must have angered you recently. 5 flats in the last year and 2 in the previous 15. Sorry.
Honzo427 ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 16:40:46 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
That was not of my doing. I'll question the god of serious bad luck.
werelock ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 17:23:33 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Might of also been the god of fuckery - he's been about lately...
gerusz ยท 12 points ยท Posted at 14:51:07 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of error messages. Pray for me enough and you'll find your problem on the first page of Google when you search for the error. Offend me by writing a program with non-informative error messages and I'll smite you with a similarly non-informative compilation error.
[deleted] ยท 12 points ยท Posted at 18:31:55 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of stretching your bank account just enough to make it to the next payday. You know the weeks where you have to make $13 last for four days until you get paid?
Please me and I'll bless you with goodness, like a rebate check you never remembered sending in, or amazing mileage on your car to stretch out that last tank of gas, or friends that show up to hang out and watch a movie and bring a pizza.
Displease me, and I will smite you with parking tickets, unexpected bills and overdraft fees.
tarna927 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 23:42:29 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I praise you, oh mighty one, for I have $16 until payday.
Ori15n ยท 11 points ยท Posted at 14:37:54 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Ori15n, God of college textbook sales. Pray to me for 15% off.
Sorry, I couldn't care less about hard dicks in public
rovirb ยท 10 points ยท Posted at 19:13:44 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The goddess of autocorrect. Pray to me, and I'll make sure "penis" doesn't slip into a conversation with your boss. Make me angry, and it will be in every text you send to your mom.
CeeJaY97 ยท 7 points ยท Posted at 13:52:27 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
[deleted] ยท 7 points ยท Posted at 16:13:49 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Libris, Goddess of finding the perfect book at the right time.
Too many people have walked away from good books because they found them at the wrong time. No more will this injustice be tolerated! I shall bring you the literature you need.
Sarge490 ยท 8 points ยท Posted at 18:06:22 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The God of Terms and Conditions. I'm the one you pray to when you hope that screen you clicked accept on didn't sign away the rights to your kidney.
[deleted] ยท 7 points ยท Posted at 15:51:28 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The God of things randomly being in the way, like when you are walking and stub your toe on a table that you could have swore was farther over. Or when you are walking and some how shoulder bump the corner of your wall when you could have swore you walked straight. So you must SWEAR TO ME
I am Lenny, Lord of the DMV waiting line. Please me and your trip will be swift and pleasant. Anger me and I'll make sure you spend two hours waiting in line at the wrong section.
tomholder ยท 15 points ยท Posted at 12:02:01 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Well I'm hoping to take Dionysus's position as God of wine. but I'll have to work my way up. Here are the positions i must have passed:
God of Wine
God of Beer
God of Hooch
God of Bottle Openers
God of finding Bottle Openers
God of using random objects as Bottle Openers
God of random objects you forgot you owned
God of random objects you wish you'd thrown away
God of the things you find in the corner of that draw you put all your random might-need-this-in-the-future objects in
God of the fluff found in the corner of that draw that you put all your random might-need-this-in-the-future objects in
but for now I'll have to take the job
God of that bit of hooked metal you use to open that stiff drawer that you put all your random might-need-this-in-the-future objects in that has a load of fluff in the corner
Jeff9Man ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 14:05:17 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I bless the elderly with magical and delicious hard candies that seem to be inexhaustible... Yet unobtainable by anyone under the age of 62.
I shall bless rhe with large economy bags of Werthers, Strawberry hard candies, and those weird pumpkin candies. As long as you give them to all of your progeny.
Doubt me Gertrude and I will replace them all with black liquorices and off brand jelly beans.
Well, I'm the Goddess of Reception. So, to those out there who greet everyone who walks in the door, from Wal-Mart greeters to high-end office buildings and everything in between, they pray to me.
And, if the offering is good, their shoes will always be comfortable but not ugly (important if a part of your job is looking good), the people you're greeting will mostly be nice and they will be few and far between.
For those who's job it is to look nice, your hair will brush out nicely and not require any extra effort to look good, and your eyeliner will be the tasteful medium between too thick and too thin. For our male receptionists out there (Yes, you do exist! The Goddess sees all!), your tie shall always be straight and your shirts be wrinkle free! And, if you have a computer in front of you, the tasteless NSFW askreddit questions will be few and far between, and, instead, you shall get creative and interesting questions to peek through and keep you entertained for hours on end.
However, if you curse my name, you shall be given rude customers that blow right by you or act like you're going to rob them. Your eyeliner will be crooked and too thick and your shirts will be wrinkled and your ties will be crooked. And all that AskReddit will offer to you will be distasteful NSFW questions or the same reposts, and all the responses will be shit-tier memes. And your boss will ask you to stay late, even though the place closes at six on the weekends.
Maybe I'll be able to work my way up through the ropes and become the Goddess of Sales or even the Goddess of IT. But, for now, I shall be the Goddess of Reception.
Pillows and other fluffy comfort stuff. I'm in charge of snuggles and keeping the other side of the pillow cool for you. But be careful- my wrath is mighty. Don't appreciate me? I'll prick you with the pointy end of a feather poking through your down comforter. I'll pop a seem on your favorite stuffed animal. I will SURREPTITIOUSLY CHANGE YOUR SLEEP NUMBER!
Dustin laughed and wiped crumbs off his apron into a trashcan.
โWell at least thatโs what I always say. Sounds sort of godly, right?โ
The newcomer to the kitchen pursed their lips and nodded in agreement while struggling not to roll their eyes.
โSo youโre the new God of Bed Linen, huh?โ Dustin asked. โThatโs a nice one โ rolling around on fresh bed linen and smelling detergent all day. Gotta love the way a freshly stretched sheet on a bed looks. Almost so perfect you donโt want to sit on it or wrinkle it, especially when you get it perfectly folded just under where your fluffed, but square pillow with 90-degree corners sits. I mean, someone has to do it I suppose. I completely lucked out though.โ
Dustin took a serrated knife from a knife block and began to carefully saw into a well-baked loaf of sourdough bread.
โI mean โ when I was alive I had a touch of obsessive-compulsive, and everything had to be juuuuustโฆ.sooooo,โ he said while he removed the perfectly sliced piece of bread.
โI was worried when I saw the others. I mean you know how it is at first. I barely came up to the top of their toenails.โ
The newcomer looked at the stacks of sliced bread stacked up in even rows, taking on the appearance of a bread fortress.
โThey told me the more people you get to worship you, the bigger you get,โ the Lord of Bed Linen said.
Dustin cursed and held a slice of bread up to the radiant sunlight. He poked a finger through a twisted oval hole in the center. He shook his head in disappointment, threw it into the air and it ignited in a flash and vanished.
โDo you know the secret to making perfect toast?โ Dustin asked the Linen Lord.
โNuh-uh.โ
โYou let it stand in the air for just the right amount of time, then even convection heat. There are varying degrees of perfection, but with a one-inch slice, a russet brown will yield a depth of to-the-tooth texture and roasted flavor.โ
The Lord of Linen nodded, feigning interest.
โThatโs just simply wild.โ
Dustin looked up and noticed the glassy-eyed gaze of the Linen Lord.
โBeing the Lord of Perfectly Toasted Toast isnโt a position to be taken lightly, Mr. Linen. It is a science โ an absolute science. Toast is metaphysical. Toast is heavenly. Toast is a symbol of which you shouldnโt jest! Toast is about creating perfection and then disassociating yourself from its existence. You create and relish in its undoing.โ
Edit* I realized afterward this wasn't writing prompts. Ah well!
Yes, but academically correct grammar is not the most important reason to use them in the modern era. They should be used to better convey the speech cadence the author intends; for clarity, intent, and emphasis.
timpinen ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 22:18:24 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of semicolons; I will forever mess with peoples code and sentence structure
bud_babe ยท 11 points ยท Posted at 15:28:41 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I would be Goddess of the Crumbly Nug you find right before you re-up. Although you'll have to be out of weed for a few days, the sight of a slightly dried out nug with virtually no cat hair on it will be like manna in the desert.
I would be the god of laser printers and photocopiers. Appease me (I accept caffeinated beverages and very old computers and other interesting tech), and treat your printers with respect, and live at peace with your paper-pushing devices, with clear printouts, easy to understand error messages and plenty of warning before the toner runs out. But anger me and face my crinkled, smeared wrath! Report due in three hours? Hah! Have some Error 49.4C06! Need 30 copies for the class you're teaching in ten minutes? PAPER JAM, but with no paper stuck! Hahahaha! I might even team up with the god of paper cuts if you've been especially naughty.
The God of Trivial and Mostly Useless Knowledge. Pray to me and sacrifice some of your free time upon the fires of 90s sitcom DVD bonus features and I shall ensure your team wins free beer and wings at the bar's trivia night! When you want to seem smart and impress your date, but fail to get laid because you made them feel stupid, call upon me with the holy mantra, "well, actually."
As the God of Suppressing Inappropriate Laughter, if you are in my favor, that comment that struck you as hilarious at the funeral, in the board meeting, when presenting your doctoral thesis, or while listening to the policeman that might let you off with a warning will NOT irresistibly cause you to laugh inappropriately. Instead, I absorb the laughter, leaving you amused but in control.
My continuous laughter from helping my favored is a strategic ploy to drive the somewhat-less-minor deity above me slowly mad. When he goes around the bend, I will absorb his duties as well. And so on, up the chain of command, until...
Power, Power, POWER! ALL LAUGHTER SHALL BE MY DOMAIN!
I'm the god that keeps count of all the hairs on everyone's head. It sucks, it takes so much time and all I'm ever doing is updating a mundane spreadsheet that can't possible matter to anyone. I don't think any other gods even review it other than open it up to make sure it exists then close it. They never even review one of the 7 billion people on the fucking spreadsheet.
rand486 ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 15:31:23 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I'd be the God of Starting Cars. When you're out there in the cold, cranking your ignition, listening to that "chuuuugugugu... chuuuugugugu..." and you're saying "come on... not today..."
... suddenly your car will start. I'm there for you.
Dylamb ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:18:47 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I am Dave, God of all the little pieces of weed people drop throughout there life. I'm also the reason resin gets you out of a bind. You may thank me now.
I shall be the God of catching things that "might" break if you knock it on the floor but will probably be ok. You catch that plastic salt shaker? Catch your keys on top of your foot? You're welcome
Tromben ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 16:11:57 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of tossing things into the waste basket from across the room. You know that douche from work that tries to throw his water bottle into the trash and misses but keeps going till he makes it? I will intervene, creating a small gust of wind every time he throws it so that it never goes in. He will spend the rest of his days trying to toss trash into the waste basket, eventually dying of starvation, thus ridding the world of a douche, one "Kobe!" at a time.
ahmc84 ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 16:13:02 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I choose to be the God of lost library books.
Millze ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 16:29:44 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I'd be zeus's underling, Sizzle, the God of electric fly swatters. May all nuisance bugs fear my tennis Racquet of lightning. Rejoice in the smell of burnt hair and dead flies.
I'll be the the god of the random onion ring you get in your fries. I think I'll get a lot of worshippers that way and later on I might expand to god of the extra fries at the bottom of the bag.
The god of "that rattling noise you hear inside your car but can't figure out the source of, and it gets worse when you drive on the highway" and also "the squeaking noise your brakes make at night when driving through a quiet neighborhood."
Make an offering of a cup of coffee and a bagel and leave them on top of your car once a week and check your tires every day with a prayer in my name or else suffer my wrath.
kateemo ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 17:03:38 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)*
Parking spots.
Jerks who take up multiple parking spots, park too closely to another car, or use a handicap spot without needing it would all be given their comeuppance. Mainly in the form of thinking a spot is open and then ealizing it's just a smart car pulled all the way up. And those who park properly, and respectfully will be blessed with super close open spots when they most need them.
I am the God of public restroom toilet paper. The heathens and non believers shall be cursed to only seven sheets of wet, one ply TP following a massive moist bowel evacuation.
I'd claim God of Movie theatres. Sacrifice to me and I'll ensure a quiet, phone free experience. As well as the occasional free popcorn.
To0n1 ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 17:19:37 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I would be the god of Coffee Filters. If things are good and well, then you receive multiple of my bounty. I will always be there for you, when other things are not. I am the saving grace of your office kitchen. However, you will know my wrath if you have screwed something up, as I will remove my bounty from your grace.
Better yet would be the Wrathe of the Clogged Coffee Filter, pouring gallons of coffee all over the counter instead of the 8 cups you wanted to make in the pot.
delnoob ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 17:19:56 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)*
I would be the god of decibel levels when you're trying to be quiet in the middle of the night. piss me off and the microwave will beep louder than when your fire alarm goes on "low battery warning status".
Mrproven ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 17:21:43 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I would be the God of lighter returns.
As in you lend somebody ur pocket lighter for a minute but they "accidentally" pocket it, after they leave your immediate vicinity they lighter would just apparate back into your pocket.
The thief may also receive a small shock for taking it but then also a strike anywhere match for no one should be without a way to blaze.
The god of Pearly Whites. Your devotion to me makes it easier to get rid of plaque by flossing. And teeth are white despite drinking coffee or smoking.
Noidis ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 17:29:38 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I'd be the god of Morning Rituals. From the second your eyes open, to that last sip of coffee before you head out... Praying to me will be your way of ensuring it never ever changes.
Will making a bagel sacrifice ensure good traffic flow on the way to work?
Noidis ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 21:53:18 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Depends on the amount of cream cheese you offer with it. If you throw the ratio out of whack, you will forever be cursed with morning hair that sticks up and wont go down.
WulfTek ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 17:31:59 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Probably the God of Complaining About Shitty Yearly Video Game Releases.
The god of peeling oranges. Show reverence and the orange peel will come off in one continuous strip. Lag in your devotion and you'll have teeny tiny pieces coming off bit by minuscule bit.
The Goddess of minor life bonuses...so I can't help you win the lotto, but maybe the cashier gives you extra change...or 2 snickers fall out the vending machine, your favorite jam is playing and every light you hit is green. The little gifts from the universe, because today's the day you could use the bar to forget to charge you for the round of shots you ordered.
I will be the guardian of all things queued. Any soul that lines up behind another without cutting or being a dick shall be under my protection. I shall safeguard the obedient and respectful, and smite the disrespectful and dickish.
Basically, I'll be the guy standing there with a german shepherd in one hand and a baton in the other, whacking anyone who doesn't respect the line. And every time I hit someone, I shout what Chandler from Friends would: "WHA-PAH!!!"
I've put some thought into this.
jk01 ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 19:06:35 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I'd be the God of that horrible cramp in your foot that feels like a nuclear war is happening in your muscles.
[deleted] ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 19:12:24 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I have to inspire the mortals to get over the mundanity of their lives and do the things they really don't want to do but need to get done. It fucking sucks.
God of juryrig. Like when your shoelace snaps and you tie the ends together until you can get a new one, or that time I was really drunk and fashioned an awesome spoon out of a takeaway carton lid to eat the fried rice within.
I here the cries of my followers. If they are good i shall bless them with pleasant customers, if they displease me a hoard of angry "let me see your manager" people for you. If you are good but run upon a rude customer, may they be mildly inconvienced when trying to leave the store.
[deleted] ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 21:27:36 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I am Egghh, God of unnecessary conversations.
Are you about leave after paying for your groceries? The old woman scanning your groceries wants to talk to you about how she forgot to take her meds, the names of her cats and asks you if you visit your grandparents and why her grandchildren never come by.. also many other unnecessary things she has to tell you.
Are you at the gas station at 8:47am filling up all quiet and stuff? Here's a white trash wangsta with a red neck accent, 5 of his front teeth missing all wanting to talk to you in Ebonics about ... Well you can't understand him really except for the part where he tells you about how he killed his ex wife's dog and burned it in her front yard and then stops to tell you how great of a person you are and how he wishes he had friends like you and then procedes to tell you about the time he was in prison.
It can also go good if you pray to me like you know.... Random hot people will flirt with you.. but that's only if you're in my good graces.
The god of hitting the snooze button. If you appease me, your 5 extra minutes will be the most restful sleep you have ever gotten. If you piss me off your alarm gets 300% louder and doesn't shut off.
[deleted] ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 22:21:05 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
OIL CHANGES
mlkelty ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 22:50:11 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I'll be the God of Small Breaks in Opposing Traffic So You Can Turn.
Praise me by using your vehicle's indicator lights and yea, I shall make my countenance known upon ye and part the sea of cars from your path.
[deleted] ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 23:49:59 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The god of mind your own damn business. I'd wear a blindfold and my alter would be divided by small, individual cubicles in which you pray.
Welcome! And if anything, he could be made into a Christian Saint (see: Saint Brigid) of some group, and then you could just take his name as a(nother) middle name!
Actually, I'm pretty sure that masturbation falls under the preview of Hermes. Diogenes of Sinope (albeit jokingly) credits the god with inventing masturbation and teaching it to Pan.
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:07:27 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Oh holiest of gods. Why do you curse a honest but tired delivery drivers with piss water from vending machines at rest stops, and bless asshole BMW drivers with Starbucks?
Videogames. I am MarklithikK, the god of videogames. I distribute bkessings, in game and real world, for sake of souls be hooked up in the random numbers enough so they don't suspect anything. Know my child, when I blessed that kid with a Gall, a Vex, a Surros and a Redeath I did it to be ironic, that kid doesn't know what to do with them. Through the random numbers of game and life I also punsish those who tea bag and those who steal or destroy just to fuck people over.
Running late? Well it just so happens that you got green lights all the way.
Saw a girl on the bus that smiled at you? Well it just so happens that you will meet her again.
Sniper shooting at you? Well it just so happens your shoe laces need tieing.
Eventually, I will essentially become the god of fate. Nobody will escape me.
Toppo ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 15:03:37 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of the Mysteries of the Fridge. When you go to the fridge without having anything specific in mind to eat, there will be something just appropriate for you to eat, but only if you give sacrifices to the Mysteries of the Fridge.
[deleted] ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 15:05:26 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The God of Cords.
Praise me and thyne cords shall always lay side-to-side, as if destined to march together at an even pace.
Displease me and a knot upon thy house. Did you merely just place your cords down a second ago? KNOT. Walking down the street innocently? KNOT.
My power also extends to extension cords, Christmas lights and shoe laces.
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:42:53 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I was thinking the same: blessings to those who follow the proper winding ritual, or be cursed with an endless tangle of Xmas lights.
knotafan ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 15:14:36 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I am now God of awkward silences. As the world becomes ever more connected, my power grows beyond my imagining; soon I will be able to add schadenfreude to my divine portfolio.
The god of knowing which god one needs to praise. Everyone will know me, and if you upset me, you will praise the wrong god, thus upseting them. Muahaha
xantxant ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 15:30:03 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of spilling a drink on yourself. I'll work my way up to God of Storms.
Pimples. None of the existing Gods would claim them, but I'd get my foot in the door with just about everyone, with everyone begging me to remove them. I think only the God of Sex would be more popular.
I'm going to shamelessly plug a short film I made about how mundane it must be to be the god that ferries souls into the afterlife, a lรก Charon.
Enjoy
I would be the God of causing something embarrassing to happen to someone right after they do something impressive. Sweet Guitar Solo? Better check those shoelaces. Successfully tossed paper into the trashcan from across the room? Better not lean too far back in your chair.
I choose to take the mantle of the god of Things Stuck in Drawers. Sorry, Anoia.
Darkrell ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 20:56:20 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The God of job interviews, I will dictate if you do well in your interview or not and I am the ultimate decider of who gets the job!
[deleted] ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 20:56:38 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
You know how you were trying to think of the perfect song to play next in the car?
A song that would not only be aurally pleasurable but also lets everyone in your presence know, "damn, ____ has good taste in music," or has everyone going "Hey ____, what's the name of this song?"
All of a sudden, it pops into your head seemingly from nowhere.
Well it's me, god of good music aka the hands of zeus aka the cocaine biceps aka Tony Stark comin atcha raw.
Poops and the process of recycling things in general. Like the water cycle. And souls.
[deleted] ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 20:57:49 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I'd be the goddess of traffic. If you're good to me your life will be blessed with green lights that you think are going to stay red until right before you reach them. If you are bad to me your life will be stuck in standstills.
I'd be The God of Words On The Tip of Your Tongue"... prayers to me would result in you remembering the word.
"It's like when in Ghostbusters, that--crap... that one actor... uh... Oh Lord /u/Postmodest, Blessed be thy na--ERNIE HUDSON... When Ernie Hudson[...]"
I'd like to be the God of Minor Yet Still Irritating Pains. It'd be give fun to give jerks what they have coming. Maybe give em 4 or 5 toe stubs per day and throw in mild stomach cramps.
No joke intended, erections. My name will be in the heart of every man straight, gay or other as well as that of the majority of their partners. While rapists and child molesters will never rise again and curse me, my faith will spread through all of humanity as the prayers and thanks to me shall put all other gods to shame.
I will be the god of server reboots. Sacrifice a few users at the altar of our beloved motherboard before restarting your servers, and I'll make sure your disks keep spinning and your raid controllers and bootloaders behave. May your kernel be forever without panic.
God of tv show cancellations. Pray to me to keep your favorite tv shows on the air. Sorry about Firefly, but sometimes you have to throw in a great flood to show your powers are real.
[deleted] ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 21:09:16 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The god of being vaguely early or on time, or late enough where it is a problem. (Aka 5 minutes early to work or right when you need to be to start the day, or 15-20 minutes late due to unforeseen traffic conditions, losing your keys for a few minutes, running low on gas and needing to fill up even though you thought you could wait til tomorrow to do it so didn't leave early to accommodate, etc. )
The god of shorted cell phone chargers, appease me and the weird position will stay until your phone is sufficiently charged. Piss me off and feel the wrath of adjusting your phone every 3 minutes.
Edit: I would be in cahoots with the God of less than 10% battery, we would tag team mortals with our benevolence and spite.
I will be the god of the almighty cheese slope. I'll be the one that makes all chunks of cheese sooner or later into this particular shape. You didn't specify that I had to choose to be a benevolent god, did you?
I reside at the right hand of the god of good music as the god of stereo repair.... I bestow upon thy faithful a steady hand to hold a Metcal soldering iron, a good ear, a black belt in Google Fu, and the ability to trace a signal through 50 year old circuits whose schematics have been lost to the ages!
[deleted] ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 21:17:28 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Procrastination, I can see it now. "I wish to save the world, but that can wait until tomorrow. Today more grapes!"
[deleted] ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 21:19:07 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I am the god of shit. Pray unto me and you will be awarded with one bowel movement that completely clears out your system. Anger me and you will be plagued with constant diarrhea and you will have to be wary of your flatulence!
arbeh ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 21:19:35 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
That half side-step adjustment dudes have to do with their junk.
opmike ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 21:19:49 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I'd be the God of randomly remembering that horribly embarrassing/cringe worthy moment in your past.
Fear me.
rtoland ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 21:20:12 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I would be the God of cereal never getting soggy.
[deleted] ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 21:20:15 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The god of crazy chicks. Id have some crazy fucking stories
D-utch ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 21:20:47 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I would be the God of restaurants.
Woe unto ye who enter my house and tippeth not fifteen percent. For ever shall your lineage recieveth poor and unspeedy service.
Rejoice not, ye who toil in my house. Should you continue to know not the time and arrive tardy, fail to cleanse thy silver ware before rolling or be unhelping to they fellow brethren I shall smite thee. You will be meet with demon patrons, one plate and check splitters till the end of your days.
All shall do well to knoweth the closing times of my house and visit not unless it be 30 minutes prior.
[deleted] ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 21:21:27 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I'm the god of overspending. That feeling you get when you bought something online for the 10th time this month, and you know you're cutting into your budget surplus.
Although I'm not yet sure what I do to non believers, or to believers. Haven't figured that out yet.
It's a working plan, okay? Just give me the job, I'll know what to do once I get it.
The god of minor accidental injuries. Seriously, I hurt myself about once a week.
By praying to me, you will increase the chances of getting a minor accidental injury instead of a major one. Trip down the stairs with a knife? If you're in my favor you will just get a minor, treatable cut instead of a knife in your chest.
Oh and I'll also demand a blood sacrifice from my followers but it will only be whenever they accidentally hurt themselves. That way everything will be self-sustainable.
[deleted] ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 21:25:07 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I'm the God of inconvenient poops. Especially the ones that are really really messy to wipe up, potential toilet cloggers.. And you bet ya, those ones you get that have to happen now because it's getting close to that time you always poop.
Especially if you're getting held after at work or some other event.
Also, that last little nugget will always stay in there.
The Goddess of Buffering. Pray to me, and I might grant you a video that plays all the way through with no loading or freezing. Incur my wrath, and all your streams shall forever stutter at five to ten second intervals.
clay10mc ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 21:27:35 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I am the god of that thing where you're just about to sneeze but then your friend is all "hey, what's up?" and you suddenly freeze! But then you still have that nose tingle, it's a horrible tease! And you're like "FUUUUCK!"
mred870 ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 21:27:36 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The god of novelty gifts. Xray specs and diaphanous robes would be my day to day wear.
Sonthly ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 21:28:01 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The God of knowing the exact perfect thing to do in those social situations where no one wants to make a decision but everyone is waiting to do something. Pray to me and you will always choose something that makes everyone happy. Upset me and everything you suggest always offends or annoys people.
gldn56 ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 21:28:59 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of finding the one minuscule lego in a huge pile.
The god of that thing where you're just about to sneeze, but then your friend is all "Hey, what's up!" And you're starting to freeze, but you've still got that nose tingle - it's a horrible tease! And you're like "FuuuuuUUUUUUUUUUUUCK"
The God of political information, and required voting. My powers would be 'to instantly fill anyone mind with relevant information to vote on' and 'giving non-voters extreme flatulence and explosive diarrhea' until they do vote.
Rhamni ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 21:33:56 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of the "Space Bar". Pray to me and I ensure that your space bar won't feel weird when you press it AND make sure your space bar will work when you're sending that important email or typing that resume to get a job at Burger King.
Pretty simple....if you're a dick, better not gamble on that fart because it's gonna be turds. But if you're a good person not only will it be silent but it won't stink, one of those magical farts, aaaand if you're in between those two extremes noise level and stench depends on the type of person you are.
Chaldera ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 21:43:31 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
My partner and I have differing ideas.
She would be the goddess of that moment when you need to sneeze, but then you tell someone and can't anymore.
I would be the god of those times when you completely blank on what you were about to say to someone.
I am the god of ice machines. Those who incur my favor will have a steady supply of cold water cubes. Those who do not will face a flood of frozen liquid after despairing for lack thereof.
God of that moment before a handshake or a high five or a fist bump where everyone tries to make sure they're doing the same motion so they don't look foolish.
I will have the Scepter of Pinoccio. Speakers of Bull$#!& will be readily evident by their rapidly growing schnozes.
My minions will then quell the BS-ers with wedgies and PG-13 taunting.
The god of blue toilet water. There is nothing better when you work in a 30 floor office building than finding that one special toilet that no one else has flushed yet.
I will joyfully watch how your 'annual reports' turn into 'anal reports', 'whole' becomes 'whore' and the last paragraph is full of typos because Word decided that the text was in Hungarian. Piss me off and I will plague you until your mother doubts that you're a native speaker.
Appease me, by going online and rubbing every they're/their/there you can find into other people's faces.
I would be the god of bottle openers. I would bless my adherents with the ability to open beer bottles (any bottle really) with ease using their teeth, flick of the thumb, whatever floats your boat. Doesn't matter, easy beer.
You dare defy me? Enjoy your frustrating inability to find a bottle opener. Your futile attempts to twist off the cap will be met in vain.
The God of TI-83 calculators. How sure are you that your graph is correct?
Zalot ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 21:53:57 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
If I were a mediocre god, I would say i'd be the god that makes it so you will always get the perfect cup that will fill to the top for the carton of milk thats almost empty.
God of toiletries. You'll know when you've fucked up because suddenly there isn't any toilet paper or the toilet itself won't flush. Drunk people already worship at our alters.
The god of wiping the sweat from your forehead so that the dirty water doesn't get into your eyes and burn like that one time you decided it was a good idea to inhale a cup of chili peppers
God of signal reception. Covers cellphones, satellite, WiFi, etc. Pray and sacrifice to me for good receptions or suffer my wrath of getting dropped calls.
I'd be the god of Driving Etiquette, I would bless courteous drivers with good luck in their driving while i would smite people who cut others off, fail to obey stop signs or harass you on the road.
But i would be subtle. You wouldn't die, or anything that severe, but your mirrors would never be aligned, your gearbox would be slow, your car would inexplicably leak even when it wasnt raining, id flip the wires on your Climate control.
And i would save the greatest punishment for the worst offenders.
If you drive up I-95 in New Jersey in the US and hover in peoples blind spots when there trying to change lanes, i will find you, i will follow you, and I WILL FILL YOUR FOOTWELLS WITH 3-DAY-OLD MILK!
EVERY CAR YOU EVER OWN WILL HAVE A MILKY FOOT-WELLS.
I appear to have issues i need to work through here.
I'll be Receptionus, God of Pantheons, who has vast-but-trivial knowledge of all things worshipful, and pleasantly directs your prayer to the proper deity.
I'd be the God of Happy Office Shits. When you feel the need to go at work, pray to me. I'll make sure you have the bathroom to yourself, no other shitters nearby. The toilet and floor will be immaculately clean and everything will smell fresh and springlike. And the toilet paper will be velvety soft and endless. None of that single ply crap.
MitchMI ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 22:01:16 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The good of grass. You know that one part that grows way to high out the spot that never grows. Keep on watering it only the grass around it grows. Or that weed whacker you purchased that's me.
Madonk ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 22:01:21 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I would be the god of farts and sharts. Anger me and you better home you are in the good graces of /u/mnementh2230! Please me and you shall be blessed to never have to rush off to the bathroom.
I am the god of extera french fries at the bottom of the bag. If you worship me you will be blessed with a bounty of french fries at the bottom. Ignore me and you will never find an extra french fry again.
Hexatomb ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 22:02:16 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of the sprint key working as needed in a video game.
D_Gibb ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 22:02:28 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I would be the God of coffee. I would receive so much praise and adoration for the magical, mystical, caffeinated brew that hymns to my greatness would be heard forever.
God of awkward encounters. While grocery shopping, you spot that douchebag you haven't spoke to in years? Maybe you pray hard enough to me and he just might not see you and strike up a conversation.
keeping track of gravity and asteroids making sure the larger ones don't hit earth. I'm aloud to make small adjustments every few hundred years for the ones at most risk.
I think they forgot the "mundane task" part of your question.
_zarkon_ ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 22:05:17 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The god of the express line. I figure I'd get to smite a lot of people after the 13th item.
The god of you realizing you're going the wrong way in the mall.
If you believe in me. No one will see that awkward moment when you stop, pull out your phone, look at it for 3 seconds, put it back in your pocket, then nonchalantly turn around and walk in the opposite direction.
I shall be "The God of Lost Things" ,All those things you put down but cannot find, l have in my "Horde of Treasure" sometimes l'll "borrow" things for a few mins ( car keys and such) but many items lost forever are mine.
The God of Self Service Machines. Say my name in vain and there will always be an unexpected item in the bagging area, or the item will never register as being put in the bagging area...
Boducan ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 22:09:27 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of the missing sock. Might be a major god. Who knows.
Toilet Paper, so I can decide whose fingers take the plunge. Cut me off this morning? Your going down. Hold the door open for me? Your toosh will have that cush tonight.
God of the Subway, Lord of the Many Rails! Please me with offerings of old Metrocards and thou shalt catch the express, but woe to the non believer, for they shall find the next stop will be their last! (and must now needlessly transfer)
God of chairs. Mostly because I always thought a superhero who could summon chairs would be bretty cool. I mean how often would I need to stop crime compared to how often I need a place to sit? If worst came to worst I could summon a chair to trip a robber.
Goddess of Coffee. Pray to me and every cup you make will be perfect, and your baristas will always be polite.
Thumbr ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 22:14:08 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of chances. I have control over everything. How big is the chance that we fix world hunger this month? 100%. How big is the chance that you get โฌ1 million? 100%.
Thumbr ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 22:14:09 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of chances. I have control over everything. How big is the chance that I get a better pc for free? 100%. How big is the chance that I'll be able to ride a unicorn to school? 100%.
I'd be the god of rage eating simply because cursing my name during the act would make you giggle a bit at the comedic irony and that would calm you down.
God of Toe Stub. Pray to me and leave worthy sacrifice or every toe shall be bruised and every nail shall crack (just far enough you can't break it off).
I would be the god of crafting the perfect Google search keywords to find that thing that you want to share with someone that you 'saw last week' that totally applies to the current conversation.
I will be the good of the nip slip. Showing young men boobs they were never supposed to see. Praise me: Hot 3rd grade teacher. You're welcome Billy. Piss me off: Grandma leaned a over a little too much when bringing you lunch.
Canadeon ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 22:22:02 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I'll be the God of left lane drivers. Offer proper homage and that slow fucker will move over before you get close. Tick me off and the slow guy in front of you will slow down and you'll be passed forever by cars in the right lane with no room to merge over.
I'm the deity you pray to when you absolutely need that cell phone signal.
Invent42 ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 22:24:24 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
ants yo, they outweigh humans eight pounds to one
[deleted] ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 22:24:56 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I'd be the god of that thing where you're just about to sneeze, but then your friend is all "Hey, what's up?" and then you suddenly freeze.
SuperCho ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 22:24:56 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of Bathroom Conveniences. Pray to me, and you'll only have to wipe once, that last little bit of piss will come out perfectly, and you'll never run out of soap or toilet paper when in a public bathroom.
Our Father, who art in kitchen
Hallowed be thy name
From kingdom come,
they will be done
On toast, when it is buttered
Give us this day our dairy spread
And prevent us those tiny toast crumbs left in the butter, as you do the cold butter that tears a hole in bread
And lead us not into margarine,
But deliver us from oleo
For thine is the kingdom, the power, and the glory
Forever and ever
Ghee-men
SaebraK ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 22:26:36 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of the tangled earphones. Perfectly coiled yeah? We'll fucking see about that.
My rule affects all. Like death.
There is a lore as well, UNtangled headphones were drawn smoothly out of my wife's pocket from behind, and used as a garrotte to strangle her. So distraught I took my own life and was granted immortality by the God of justice, to tangle all headphones in the pocket to prevent this from ever happening again.. No matter now nearly they are put away.
Vetty81 ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 22:30:11 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Pray to me and seek my favor, and you will always roll right up to the gas pump before your engine sputters and dies.
Anger me and feel my wrath: the gas in your spare tank in the trunk will spontaneously transform into spiders. Somewhere 100 miles from the nearest town. Where there's no cell service.
They shall call me Murpheyus, arbiter of murphy's law. Present worthy offerings and you'll encounter a jam-free printer for that last minute assignment. Sin against me and I'll clog the toilet at your next social gathering, after taco night.
Kitteh5 ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 22:33:36 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I will be the God Of Chicken Between Teeth. If you please me by praying to me or whatnot before eating a chicken product, and chicken falls in your teeth, I shall grace you with the chicken falling out immediately. If you anger me that chicken will stay there for as long as I wish, even floss or toothpicks won't help.
Source: just had chicken in my teeth, fuck that.
I would be the God of slightly cat like reflexes, anytime you spill a glass of water you catch it but not before it has already splashed a little on your keyboard.
The God of forgotten names of people you met before who know you but you keep calling "Guy" or "Man". Just pray to me "Heyyy... oh God please let me remember his name... FRED! HEEYYYY Fred, how are you?"
I will be a merciful God but I will require a Kit Kat bar to be given to me at the end of a day that you forget a name and I help you out.
The god of CDs. Got the position via a temp agency. Pantheon is working on phasing out the whole department. Mike of dvd players says that zeus told him to get ready to "pack (my) shit and go".
Volntyr ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 22:39:40 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I would be the God of clean glass and Mugs. After all, which god wants to drink from a Dirty mug?
I would be the god of regaining people's balance when they almost slip or when they just take a misplaced step - "Oh, oh, watch it, you almost fell there. No worry's, Balancio's got you covered."
madfunk ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 22:40:39 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Lord of low-lying fogs and mists.
Koshatul ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 22:40:45 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of Internet Memes or God of Reddit.
[deleted] ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 22:41:05 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The Goddess of Not Having Food on Your Face While Talking to Strangers
raegunXD ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 22:41:16 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I would be the goddess of socks. Displease me, and I will take away a sock from the laundry. Or give you a pokey in your sock all day that you cannot find.
MrBash ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 22:43:56 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The god of wasted time. I'm the guy who ends up with those two minutes of your life and no you can't have them back.
Jyk7 ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 22:44:10 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I choose to be god of urination. My first action would be to make people give my priesthood ten cents every time they peed, or they wouldn't be able to.
I am the goddess of phone charging. Everybody will want to be on my good side.
Koshatul ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 22:49:28 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of swipe card and proximity tag success.
If angered every time you try to get into work you'll need to take the card/fob out of your pocket and to use it and credit cards will need to be inserted after you try paypass.
When pleased you can do the butt/pocket dance and the doors will open first attempt.
I rule not over quantum physics, but over those who seek to visualize it.
I loom over you as you decide whether or not the Moment is clockwise or counter-clockwise before thumbs-upping your test to assess the right-hand rule. YOU GET IT WRONG ANYWAYS.
I clothe you in beautiful fabrics, but they're really itchy.
That tkinter app that you started working on LOOKS LIKE THIS
You begin to cook dinner for your date BUT THE DISH WAS RAW
I would be the god of getting that perfect bite in your sandwich, that has everything in it, also that last little bit of your burger falling out the back? That was me too.
[deleted] ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 22:52:14 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
the god of finding the right amount if change in your pockets when you realise you're just a bit short
I'd definitely be the god of oral hygiene, and force my wrath upon those who don't pay their respects to me with regular tooth brushing...
[deleted] ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 22:52:20 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
tennis balls. I'd want to live a pretty much normal life besides the ability to summon an infinite number of red and green tennis balls at any place and at any velocity I choose. About to get shot by a criminal? Bam, a third of his brain is now a tennis ball. Feel like your house has a distinct lack of tennis balls? A large influx of tennis balls should put a stop to that. The possibilities would be endless.
Damn nevermind, I misunderstood the question. Still. Tennis balls. Shit would by cray.
I'd be the God of waking up an hour before you alarm is gonna go off. People who pleased me would comfortably wake up and realize they get another hour to sleep. Those who brought my scorn upon them would awake 2 minutes prior to their alarm.
Yurei2 ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 22:53:32 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)*
I am the god of Job Interviews. I will shortly be a major deity as millions of people who cant find jobs begin praying to me daily as I simply openly demonstrait my existence and explain that I have dominion over getting an interview for a job, and the ability to control how those go for you.
The god of coincidences: I'm the guy who gets that radio song to describe the mood perfectly at a moment. Gets you to meet one of your childhood friends in a bar while traveling in a different country. Use sunlight to shine a beam onto a sentence on the wall to answer your idle pondering.
[deleted] ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 22:55:41 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The God of unappreciated everyday objects. Cereal bowls, shopping trolleys and deodorant.
I would be the God of booger picking. Every single person does it, but not everyone eats it. I would make sure the non consuming denizens don't succumb to the temptations no matter what.
[deleted] ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 22:56:57 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The God of knowing what music to listen to, instead of awkwardly scrolling through Spotify debating for 5 minutes until you just give up and listen to whatever you were the time before.
USChills ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 22:57:07 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Coffee. Now I am the God above all others, controlling the temper of the nations.
I would choose to be the God of the "just woke up still lying down stretch"
Not only am I probably the only enjoyable part of pre-coffee waking up, but you can also witness and empathetically experience my splendor in animals enjoying the bliss that only a good stretch can give you.
I shall be the co-god of high fives. You will pray to me by preforming awesome feats with fellow bros nearby. I will bless the high five that accompanies this feat to make a perfect clap and keep the hype going. But if you get on my bad side, all your future high fives will awkwardly hit the side of your hand and fail to generate that satisfying noise.
The God of Mac and Cheese: You appease me and you are gonna get that sweet, creamy cheese goodness. Get on my bad side, mother fucker you eatin watery powder and noodles
I would have an infinite amount of compute ability, making Quantum processing look like a dull butter knife. Google (and other search engines) would pray to me endlessly. I would crunch massive N-body simulations for NASA in mere seconds. The secrets of the universe would unfold in nano seconds when queried.
But mostly I would speed up porn searches on google. Your welcome.
God of SLIPPERY! Give praise unto my name, and in slick situations thou shalt find friction. Forget thine lubricous creator, and the tub shall be your undoing!
God of Change. Leave a penny in tribute to me and you'll have exact change for your next purchase. Take a penny, and your next purchase will have you drowning in them.
God of drinking liquid & having it go down the wrong pipe causing a fit of painful coughing, if that's already taken then I'll be the God of the current of water that steers bandaids floating in swimming pools towards people to annoy & disgust them
Poop. The amount of prayers I'd get by making people constipated...
trev1776 ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 23:13:07 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I'd be the God of that thing where you're about to sneeze and your friend is all "hey what's up." And you suddenly freeze but you can still feel that nose tingle, that horrible tease! And you're like fuuuuuuuuuuuuuu!
Fear me! I am pFish the Moderately Great God of chafing underwear! Bow slightly before me lest you walk funny all day. A slight nod will work if you're not into the whole bowing thing.
I'd be the goddess of battery life. Pray to me, oh ye who's phone is at 10 percent, yes, even as you walk into the DMV, no man's land. If your prayer doth please me, that 10% will miraculously last long after it should have depleted.
Anger me, and your devices shall never charge properly again!
I would choose to be the God of small pains that don't warant a visit to the doctor. I would bless my followers with easy pains that go away with a good night sleep. While my detractors and unbelievers will suffer small itchi pains and when they decide to maybe go to the doctor the pain will dissappear. Only to surface again on the next day. Pain will also dissappear if any doctor/healer/shaman is around as to make it undetectable.
God of drunk texts. "Oh god, please tell me I didn't text..."
Ye shall be judged on thine sober texts.
Sins include text speech and overuse if emoji.
Cast down to the pit of contacting your clingy ex!
FOR I AM A VENGEFUL GOD.
pgyx ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 23:18:19 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I would be the god of semi truck passing. When you have angered me, a semi truck will take 10 minutes to pass another truck. Both will be driving under the speed limit causing a backup.
CoboltC ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 23:18:46 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The God of factual reporting and my smiting would be legendary.
I would be the god of agape which is a Greek word that's rarely used in English. It's translated a whole bunch of different ways. For example, in the New Testament, it's alternately translated as "love" or "charity". It's something in between. If you think of the impulse that drives charity: caring about other human beings because they're other human beings... that's agape. When applied to deity/deities it usually means divine love in general, as being above the typical forms of love that humans experience (like love of a child or of a spouse, etc.)
Brod24 ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 23:20:31 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Copiers. You could enact minor vengeance by jamming copiers.
God of earwax. Be good to me and I will let you hear stuff clearly by making your wax ready to remove. Otherwise. Mmmfmfmfmfmmmmfmffmfmfm
Tevatrox ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 23:23:26 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of Depression Post-reading. If you are nice I'll reveal to you the release date of any sequel, on the contrary I'll make sure all your favorite authors NEVER release another book >:D
Phones, and make sure no one looses theirs. Yet I feel like this is only a problem for me and no one else.
[deleted] ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 23:24:51 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I can't be the god of beer, there's already like six of them.
So I'll be the god of hangovers. There is no particular method to pleasing me aside from copius drinking, but I shall randomly bless my followers with a pain free hangover.
I can also moonlight as the god of kilju, I'm really taking a fancy to it.
Witty come-backs. I'd always have the most devastating and terse response ready with perfect timing. Make offerings to me and ye be blessed with quick wit and ready repartee.
RuroniHS ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 23:26:43 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I am the god of shoelaces. Pay homage to me, and they shall not come untied. Cross me, and prepare to trip.
Offer me a fine tune, and I shall bestow upon you a pair of Earbuds that will last a lifetime. May you never endure the pain of one side suddenly not working.
[deleted] ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 23:30:09 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
League of Legends
bladel ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 23:30:25 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God (or maybe Demon) of Random TSA Security Screening.
Hope you weren't running late...
Spamakin ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 23:31:31 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I shall be The God of Video's remembered. Want to show your friends a video? Well pray to me and you shall. You don't pray, and you'll have all memories of that video erased.
Which will it be, the three organized-looking folks with 3 items each, or the single cart full of $400 worth of stiff, or the little old lady who's already got the total, and is standing there counting pennies.
If you fail to make a fitting tribute, your chosen line might close just as you reach the front.
Ah I see, except there is never a 'slight' misunderstanding at Starbucks. Well according to the guests anyway lol
[deleted] ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 23:39:02 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The god of odorless farts.
Let one slip in a potential socially awkward scenario and I'm your guy. I will take upon myself the weight of your odiferous transgressions, a buttonement if you will. But in order to currie my favor you must offer up a sacrifice of one live chicken immediately after the flatulent effluence has escaped your crevass but before it reaches the nostrils of bystanders.
Of course it's probably more socially awkward to have a live chicken on your person at all times and of course whipping one out and savagely murdering it to the dulcet tones of elevator music may be a dead give away to having dealt it, not to mention even more socially damaging;
I would be the Goddess of Remembering that Thing or Person.
You know when you can't remember the name of the actor that was in that one movie? The guy that was in like three shows you just watched, too? If you please me you'll remember as soon as you've stopped trying. Anger me and you'll figure it out eventually but only after agonizing over it for three weeks but being too lazy to look it up.
jim10040 ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 23:41:47 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of Comfortable Pillow. Whatever you need your pillow to be, warmer or cooler or softer or firmer, or just a little bit higher off your shoulder, ask me.
jkubed ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 23:43:26 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The god of that thing where you're just about to sneeze and your friend's all "what's up?" And you suddenly freeze. But you still have that nose tingle, it's a horrible tease and you're like "fuuuuuck."
Goddess of annoying water leaks. Neglect me, and suddenly you wake up at 2 AM wondering wtf inspired your faucet to start dripping. I suggest you treat me well whenever embarking on plumbing projects, mwahahaha!
[deleted] ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 23:45:34 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I would be the god you curse because of asshole drivers, I mean someones got to do it right? I'd really be saving you... you just don't know it.
[deleted] ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 23:46:42 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
No one is going to see this, but I would be god of immediate forgetfulness of trivial things.
When you check the time and then forget what time it was literally five seconds later, so you have to pull your phone out to check again? If you don't worship properly I will make sure you do this two, three, or four times in under a minute.
hmousley ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 23:47:15 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
tarna927 ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 23:51:10 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Bacon. I am the Goddess of perfectly cooked bacon. Praise me and you shall always have perfectly cooked bacon and will be able to eat as much as you like without weight gain or risk of a heart attack. Don't praise me and your bacon will always be under or over cooked and each slice will add 5 pounds.
[deleted] ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 23:52:06 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The God of Pre-Pain Hang Time. that moment that happens when you stump your toe and it doesn't hurt for a split second and you know the pain is coming. Pray to me and the time will be lengthened. Long enough for your to make proper arrangements.
This fun subject is explored in a humorous fashion in the White-Wolf role-playing game Exalted, where the gods are so tied down with bureaucracy that it's difficult to get anything done. I recommend it.
God of trick shots, basically whenever you try to make any kind of trick shot you will get it instantly. Want that pencil over in that cup, you got it.
Watching over-the-air TV. It's fairly low responsibility, just ensuring that RF is traveling like RF should and making sure random things don't randomly explode in the transmission shack.
I'd get certified in Deity of Crossover Network Connections next.
jcsii ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 23:59:23 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Congratulations to all you FFVII players, you now have someone to blame.
polakbob ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 00:02:23 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of Netflix and other online TV sites - a blessing from me nets you immediately finding the show you actually want to to watch and not spending an hour browsing through every category thinking everything looks okay, but nothing you want to waste your time on right that moment.
irving47 ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 00:02:59 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I'll be the Deity of Network Link Lights.
Smite me or my interests in any way, and you will find your WiFi AP and untold numbers of other devices unable to talk.
mithoron ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 00:03:32 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Jeff the God of Biscuits is the only option...
MineWiz ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 00:04:13 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I am Jeff, God of being accidentally awesome with no one to see. I shall tool with mortals and curse them with this terrible burden of being a secret ninja. Nobody shall believe my victims when they tell of these extravagant achievements, for I declare it.
AbueloHD ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 00:08:13 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I would be the god of asshat supervisors. Pray to me, and offer a small sacrifice in the form of the ID10-T form your asshat requested of you and you shall never work with that supervisor again.
The God of Brownian motion. Keeping cigarette smoke from drifting through open doorways, mixing milk into the coffee without stirring it, and safe zones in eddies on fast moving rivers are my domain.
[deleted] ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 00:10:12 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
7343 bottles of beer on the ground, if another one fell what the hell couple more million bottles of beers on the wall...
bigomon ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 00:10:27 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
GOD of intimidating Burps. Someone is being anoying, you mentally pray to me "how can I shut him up without saying th words" and then a mighty burp erupts from your mouth. The speaker is left in awe, and even forgets what he was saying.
Evilia ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 00:12:02 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I would be Diagnosius, God of fixing those random confusing computer difficulties that you have no idea what the fuck to do until you try something really random and it works.
backmask ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 00:12:42 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Pooping.
Few things are as great as a satisfying dump. If you are in my grace, you will be blessed with the type of poop of your favor- the type that most satisfies you- being pooping at work, a quick-and-clear, and so on.
If you are not in my grace, however, I will ruin you. The range of my abilities to punish is immense. I can leave you immobile with cramps of constipation, or make you very mobile, only to the bathroom, with the trots.
Shitting can control your life, so keep me happy with a sacrifice of high-value shit tickets and adequate reading material.
God of Fuck It. When shit geta complicated, it's me who gives you pemission and blessings to walk away. When the going gets tough..fuck it. Perseverence is for suckers.....go have a cocktail instead.
God of keeping 2 and 3 year olds content. Appease me, and I will gift your little potential hellian with a bout of patience and sweetness. Anger me, and I will find ways to unleash their full tantrum-throwing ability until you beg for mercy.
Nations will build monuments in my honor, virgins will be sacrificed to me daily, blood will run through the streets, and cities will burn. For I am a dark and powerful god. I make you hear your cell phone ring when you haven't been called.
[deleted] ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 00:16:55 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I would be the god of broken headphones. If you made me mad your headphones would break, but if you made happy your headphones would be indestructible.
I call being the goddess of cat snuggles. Everyone who wouldn't abuse a cat gets allergy-free cat snuggles whenever they need them.
Sometimes when you're alone at night and you feel torn up inside, you need a nice fluffy purring cat to hold onto.
[deleted] ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 00:18:09 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I would be the god of noticing what is usually an automatic bodily function. Did you just notice you blink? Blame me. Did you just notice you breathe? Blame me.
What sacrifice is righteous before such a demonic hell-god? Why, remembering me and all my gifts, but of course. lol.
Oh I'm sorry. Did I just tell you to sacrifice to me by remembering me, in order to get rid of me, but now you cannot stop thinking of me? Elephant Elephant Elephant, fuck you.
Exodan ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 00:18:22 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
u/Exodan, Daimyo of the Five Passing Winds, Shepherd of Odiferous Airs, Overseer of Nightentide Ovens and Captain of the Silent Fume.
Vomix ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 00:19:24 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I am the god of "calling dibs." Every time someone calls dibs on something, it's my job to keep a file on who called dibs, on what, when, where, and whether or not the "dibs" was subsequently respected by those present.
Those to call dibs on something they are reasonably allowed to call dibs upon, and who then claim their dibbed item in timely fashion, those that respect the dibs of others, those that maintain the dibs called on behalf on the caller in their absence, and those that deny unwarranted dibs to those that would abuse be privelege of dibs shall be my favored.
Those that call dibs too often, or for things un-dib-able, those that do not respect the called dibs of others, those that call dibs and thereafter to not claim that which was dibbed, and those that do not uphold a valid dib made in their presence in the absence of said dibber...may their dibs be ever denied.
I'd be the god of being the perfect temperature butter to put on toast, to prevent angry toast holes.
KidBeene ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 00:25:10 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Masturbation.
pjsans ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 00:25:33 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I would be the God of packed lunches.
Never again would people have to worry about the fact that they have to go to school and work early in the morning and then won't get back home until super late and you forgot your lunch so now you have to eat the crappy ramen noodles you kept with you, but then rolls around another mealtime and you've got nothing and you could've saved the crappy ramen noodles for now, but it's too late and you're hungry and concentrating is hard because your stomach is crying and you're supposed to have this meeting at 9pm for a presentation you have to give the next day but you've been out since 7:00am and you're just tired and want some food, but you have to wait for this stupid meeting where one of the people doesn't contribute at all and is really annoying and it's gonna take all your energy not to get on their case when they make excuses but you won't be able to concentrate because your stomach is pleading with you, and as sympathetic as you are towards your stomach, there's nothing you can do. So you just cry in side....and then outside...
Robots. I will be the God of the Robots. In my ordinary, mundane, every-day life, I am currently a robot master. Oh, sure, it's not much now, but I imagine being an entry-level God of the Robots will be a preeeeetty sweet gig, once the singularity happens.
god of procrastinating. anger me and thee shalt not have thine homework ready. my offerings shall be the mugs of coffee you drop because thou art tired beyond comprehension. please me and thine teachers/bosses shall be merciful and give you an extra day. FEAR ME MORTALS
That position is already taken up by hades, try again.
amgvl28 ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 00:34:17 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of the Considerate.
sjp245 ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 00:34:20 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
That moment where your feet are on the floor, and you are about to climb out of bed after waking up. Just that moment of "Okay, here we go..." before standing up and getting to the day.
The God of hats those who please me get a nice fitting cap, sinners who go against my wishes get early balding. The heathen Trilby wearers are punished with no sex for eternity.
I would be the Goddess of fresh towels and linens. There is nothing nicer than sleeping in a fresh smelling bed and being wrapped in a clean, warm towel.
semantik ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 00:36:17 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The god of Onomatopoeias. If you praise me, I would automatically correct the onomatopoeia sound from your mouth so as to not make you feel like a complete outcast from whatever part of the world you are in. You can speak fluent onomatopoeia.
The god of letting out a questionable fart and not sharting. It'll be pretty obvious who doesn't pray to me....
Rhana ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 00:36:34 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Under the watchful eye of Athena, I am Textius, the God of all things textable. About to send that drunk text to your ex? Pray to me and I'll guide you to sending it to your aunt in Burbank that barely knows how to answer her phone. Misspell a word only slightly, I'll be there to replace it with a word that makes no banana. Want to be flirty, but can't find the words, sacrifice some battery life to me and I'll put in a new keyboard of emoji for you. I can even make someone completely lose your number permanently, but that requires a great sacrifice, your phone screen, within 2 days of getting a new phone for the rest of your life.
edbods ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 00:38:41 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The god of retrievable dropped tools.
Working on a vehicle engine and your tool slips out of your hands, hoping to hell that it doesn't get stuck in the maze of hoses and belts? Piss me off and you can kiss that spanner goodbye. Make my day and there shall be tools ever-dropping.
I am Podiatus, god of socks. When you please me, I reward you with comfortable, fresh, clean socks. When I am displeased, I banish just one of your socks to Hades, forcing you to decide how to deal with an odd number: will you throw out a perfectly good sock just because you can't find it's match? Or hold onto it into perpetuity with the hope that it's opposite number will eventually resurface?
I would reside over pet dander.
The good god fearing people of this over populated planet shall kneel before me or forever be vacuuming their futons.
oblistic ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 00:44:02 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Awkwardios, god of awkwardness. I can make your life an awkward hell or team up with the god of awesome to give you socially awkward awesome moments and vice versa. I pick on highschool kids the most because it's funny and means so much to them. Pray to me as awkwardly as you can in the panthenon.
[deleted] ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 00:46:27 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The God of Short Commercial Breaks. My followers will be blessed with short commercial breaks and have only the commercials they enjoy seeing.
The god/demon of sloth. I encourage you to rest and relax in moderation if you please me, but tick me off and all of your work ethic will be gone and a cloud of apathy will follow you wherever you go.
jking124 ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 00:48:15 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The god of night classes, I probably wouldn't do much cus I'd be asleep, sorry peeps
demize95 ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 00:48:52 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of properly locked coplock duty belts.
It's quite mundane, it's uncommon, it's the perfect place to throw the new guy. It doesn't even give me any room to favor those who favor me, just to mildly irritate those who fall out of my favor.
Cheerzy ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 00:48:59 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The God of procrastination. I get to read Reddit all day!
I am the God of that feeling you get when a pen/paintbrush flows perfectly on its medium.
Curse me and every pencil you use will be plagued with broken lead and your pens will constantly look full but run out of ink when you need them.
Ixidane ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 00:52:35 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I'll be the minor god in charge of handing out good bones and calcium when they thank Mr. Skeltal, and also for reporting people who don't updoot the post.
valupaq ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 00:52:37 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Of course, it seems mundane and everyday... but nothing ruins your day like explosive diarrhea, or tearing your asshole open with an unfortunately hard shit.
I am the goddess of subway staircases. You worship me by walking up them instead of looking for the nearest escalator. Extra prayer points for helping a parent carry a stroller down one.
If you gain my favor, you won't trip or step on garbage.
tormakir ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 00:59:00 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of untangled cords. Pray to me, and your cords will be perfectly orderly.
I would be "The God of creating and remembering unreasonably long and complicated acronyms that include more exception then rules, but don't let that fool you into thinking there are not very many rules; but also unnecessarily short acronyms that could easily be replaced by the word spoken in full."
or TGoCaRULCAtIMETR,bd'tltFYTTaNVMR;bAUSATCERWSiF for short
God of Storage Media
If you worship me, you'll never have to worry about your hard disks failing. Your solid states will never run out of write cycles. Cross me and your data shall burn.
I'd be the God of second-hand embarrassment, so whenever people are watching The Inbetweeners or anything else that makes you cringe and feel embarrassed for those on your TV screen will feelevery ounce of embarrassment the other is feeling.
R1PKEN ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 01:17:15 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Oh man I fear it's too late for this, but I would want to be the God of finally getting that thing unstuck from your teeth
I am the God of Q-tips, because when you have an irritating itch in your ear, you'll beg me for one. Seriously, next time you have an itch in your ear, try to ignore it. You can't! Now bow!
The god of mail arrival. Making your mail get there the day before you need it if you order something on amazon/online
Zeus420 ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 01:34:21 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I will be the God of Good Weed.
As long as I am satisfied, all weed you consume (regardless of the cheap, low grade, dirt weed you purchased) will instantly become the highest of high once you inhale. Your buzz will be lasting, vivid, and vibrant whilst invisible to law enforcement/ over bearing parents/ partners/ or broke friends.
Ill also keep your kitchen FULL and your TV funny.
I Require weekly rituals, preferably on Fridays at 4.20pm GMT, where ceremonial rolls and bowls can be passed around in honour of myself.
Dishonour my godliness and may every toke you breath be devoid of strength and potency, with a stubbed out cigarette taste. Ill also ensure whenever you roll up, youll rip the rizla/blunt/paper right at the end where you lick it. Every single time.
I am the god of Lost TV Remotes.
Call upon me in thy time of need and, if ye be worthy, thou art shall change channels from the comfort of thy own couch.
Krail ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 01:42:49 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I would be the god of fidget toys.
Clicky pens, slinkies, stress balls, any object solid and resonant enough to drum on, that funny way your lip folds when you run your finger over it just so. All of these things lie within my purview.
Please me and you will find yourself wrapped in immersive conversation or sweet, beautiful sleep.
Or feel my wrath with an unbathed, shouting drunk who then falls asleep on you and snores and drools, paired with the shrill cries and rhythmless kicking of unwatched children and the yammering of an impatient businesswoman on the world's most intense conference call.
Boarding group 1A Premier Diamond may begin boarding.
Sugwa ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 01:54:41 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The God of Printers. Appease me and you will have your essay with no issues 5 minutes before you have to leave to turn it in. Anger me and you will have an essay no more.
In my grace your croissant would always be golden Browns, your cheese always melty and the sandwich warm enough to be enjoyable but not too warm to burn the roof of your mouth
Lord of the streets. Whenever someone drunk drives, or street races illegally I come out of the sky, riding the clouds straight down to the ground, and the clouds form around me into an all black car of my choosing and I wreck my target leaving them dead or crippled and the streets safe for decent fucking people.
[deleted] ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 02:35:08 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The Shiva, god of Fantasy Football. Get tons of praise for 16 weeks, take the rest of the year off.
Socks. Most everybody wears them. They're about as mundane as you can get. But they're honestly pretty important. Comfy ones are crucial, and fun ones are great. I could deal with being the goddess of socks.
I would be the god of papercuts. Mundane enough to be a D-list god but important enough that you'd remember my name.
Maeglom ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 03:14:53 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of late night snacks. My muses would whisper to you of chicken salad and kimchi sandwiches. Those in my grace will find forgotten leftovers in the fridge that is just what hits the spot.
Phylar ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 03:17:22 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I shall be the god of procrastination! All shall worship at a moment of their choosing, whenever they decide to choose it...in fact, I think I'll announce my godship tomorrow.
I shall be the god of minor inconveniences. My worshipers will pray to me and that guy they don't like at work will find a pebble in his shoe or get stuck behind someone driving too slow! Bwahahaha!
[deleted] ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 03:49:19 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
god of stable internet connection
Havib3 ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 03:52:15 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The God of cracking open your textbook at the perfect page.
I'd be the god of getting that promotion or pay raise you've been wishing for. If you anger me, you shall stay where you are or get demotions and/or pay cuts.
I would be the God of Gainz. Pray to me and I will abundant you with mad pumps. Forsake me and I will forsoke your precious strenth and banish you to the gym of eternal missing pins, torn pads, slippery grips, non-matching dumbbells, and that fucking broner that camps out on the one machine you need to complete your workout.
I'd be a god of ferrets. Can you imagine having control of every ferret in the world? DISRESPECT ME AND THAT'S IT! SEA OF FERRETS DESCEND DOWN UPON YOU WITH THEIR SHARP TEETH TO STEAL YOUR KEYS AND WALLETS!
I am the God of finding the movie theater cup-holder during a movie.
If you are devout your drink will always land directly in the cup-holder but if you are not, you will so miss that funny and/or important scene.
[deleted] ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 05:22:05 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The God of you thought something was all gone but you shake the container and it turns out there's one more.
[deleted] ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 05:22:37 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The god of null reference errors.
I'll feed off the blood of newbie programmers.
tomiop ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 05:27:45 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I would be Sildenafilicus, the God of Morning Wood and Random Erections!
Rise my loyal subjects! Rise! Do not go softly in to the night!
Pray to me and I shall allow you to evacuate your near bursting bladder in the morning. Ignore my need for worship and I shall make my presence known when you are standing in front of the class, your grand mother and if I really take a disliking to you, in the presence of little boys and the police.
Assuming some kind of Greco-Roman pantheon going on, I'd be a 10th Muse, the Muse of Stories; invoked by every writer of fiction and responsible for e.g. the feeling of wonder you get from losing yourself in a completely different "world"
Goddess of that feeling of relief when a horrible/inconvenient thing ALMOST happens but it doesn't 'cause you luck out and in that moment, you feel blessed. Almost caused a five car pile up but you DIDN'T (praise be). Stepped on your glasses and thought you broke 'em but you DIDN'T (hallelujah). Thought you lost your keys but you DIDN'T (amen).
Hanshee ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 06:53:45 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The God of unfinished pimples that come back a few days later after you think they have been abolished.
Koras ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 07:02:04 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The god of maintiance. Making sure that all the Gods powers work as the want them to. Knowledge is power.
mnw13 ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 07:37:33 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I would be the God of post-it notes with quotes you need to get through a rough time, taped around your walls....making sure that each person has their prescribed antidote with tailored words of wisdom for anything they are in need of reminding of for that period.
onlynag ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 07:43:15 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of remembering when to stop drinking at a party/bar. Pray hard and I might at least give you a time lapse view of what happened the night earlier so that you don't live a lie.
rbcMD ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 08:02:02 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of things you lose inside your own home. With my favour, you might not find it when you want it, but you will find it when you need it.
gashnal ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 08:33:23 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of Spending entirely too much time on Reddit....
gocereal ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 09:27:37 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I'll be the goddess of that burning sensation in your ears that you get when you get water in it that people say that's how you know someone is talking about you.
I'd be the god of friends of friends. If you have a problem while you're in my favor, you will find out that one of your friends has a friend that can fix it.
God of Dust -- I make sure uncleaned homes generate the appropriate amount of dust that would be expected from the observable laws of physics that typically govern or are relevant to dust.
I am the Goddess of Office Workers. I shall bless you and keep you sane, make sure there is always fresh coffee, and smite that fuck from HR who always keeps talking about synergy and blue sky sessions. Anger me, and your photocopiers will break, and I will put you in meetings. All day, every day.
I would be goddess of the sweet, sweet bag fry found in almost all fast-food carry out containers. Give me monthly sacrifices of a Big Mac and maybe I'll be kind enough to grant you two bag fries.
[deleted] ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 11:03:47 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Roundabouts. Use a roundabout properly and you'll get your wings.
If not, you'll be destined to hell, where you'll be going round roundabouts forever.
It's deadline is decades away so I have plenty of time to get it done, and on top of that, its basically a jobless career. The humans have already brought it on themselves
Pray to me and all your selfies will be beautiful, garnering attention from whomever you like most. Incur my wrath and you'll never want to post a picture on social media ever again.
I would be the God of Explaining Technology To Old People.
Praise to me and your grandmother will understand how to fix ANY issue in her computer without having to call you. She will even stop posting racist shit on her Facebook.
Say my name in vain and your dad will call you and keep you on the phone for like 12 hours trying to figure out how to open the calculator, and then get mad because you sound bored and snarky.
God of Lost Things. I sleep upon a bed of socks as tall as a mountain and can remotely control any television in the world. A trickster god, really, I jingle when I walk under the burden of so many keys.
[deleted] ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 16:17:57 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Just imagine, you're sitting at your desk, working on that spreadsheet that Ted in finance has been harping on you for the past 3 days to complete. You're pondering what to get for lunch when suddenly...
Vending machines. You can do some karma corrections with it.
Guy kicked his dog? The machine won't accept his coins/bills. Or his food/drink gets stuck. Maybe he gets mad and shakes the machine. I could make it fall on him and break his leg.
Guy used his turn signals appropriately on his whole way to work? He gets that other guy's stuck item. Or some extra change. He is so happy, he starts a long chain of "pay it forwards" that ends up with some starving child getting fed.
So much power from one little thing. I donโt know if I could handle it.
Shoelaces. I can untie those fuckers whenever I want.
jcrdy ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 16:44:31 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
i will be TIM (pronounced tim, but meant to be time before you add the E), the god of timing. You will always show up just at the right time for public transit, the perfect parking space, and the line at the grocery store. i will always be fleeting and never thanked.
jcrdy ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:37:23 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
daw :)
McSpoony ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 16:44:49 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I would be the god of flashy entrances and smooth exits from social interactions.
If you're in my favor, everyone will notice your arrival. If you manage to much that up, you will be blessed with an Irish Goodbye.
nodisko ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 16:44:58 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The god of public wifi. Pray to me and your public wifi will be free and fast. Anger me and it will be slow and difficult to access.
megalady ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 16:45:16 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The Goddess of Popcorn Problems...
I'd help with the kernels that don't want to pop and lessen the seriousness of burnt popcorn... oh, and assist with the removal of the popcorn kernel hulls from between teeth and gums.
[deleted] ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 16:47:26 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I would be the god of glitches and bugs!
Think your good? I just glitched you to death!
Think your game is ready for consumers? I just put it back into the alpha test phase!
Are you a noob? I just lagged you into the status of MVP!
MrGeno ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 16:49:34 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of the Wi Fi. Worship me and your WiFi at home or at Starbucks will be truly infinite and lag free. None of that "it's unlimited, kinda" bs either.
Dylamb ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 09:35:23 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
:O im now upto 3. want a promotion? cuz thats my power.
God of taking a dump. Please me and be blessed with the smoothest prostate tickling turd with zero afterwipe.
Anger me and I will smite thee with the Furious Squits.
xDHBx ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 17:03:09 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of public bathroom privacy. If I like you than you get a clean seat and an empty bathroom. If I dont like you, you'd better not have a shy rectum...
Clumsiness- I can still be a wrathful god, but I'm kind of like the trickster god's little brother except that all the injury/mild awesomeness is semi-self-induced.
I will be the God Of Unusually Loud Computer Fans In The Night.
Please me, and you shall drift into sleep aided by a gentle and soothing hum. Anger me, and you shall be cursed with fans of varying volume, occasionally spiking loud enough to pull you from the edge of sleep!
squigs ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 17:05:42 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of software bugs and glitches.
Probably quite hard work, but I consider every time someone shouts "Oh, for God's sake!" at their computer, that would be a prayer to me.
cublins ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 17:11:20 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I would like to be the god of finding porn around internet blocks
[deleted] ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 17:13:33 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of Tree Bark. Make sure that bark is doing all the things you'd expect it to do.
mrhil ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 17:29:31 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of traffic. Pray to me you insignificant fools! Pray to me or sit in gridlock FOREVER!!!
WMRH ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 17:31:21 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Has anyone claimed god of that thing you forgot when you walked into the room to get it? I'd accept gifts of found pennies to allow you to recall what you were looking for. Or virgin sacrifice, whatever. I'm not too picky.
[deleted] ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 17:32:32 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Tesatire ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 17:53:17 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I will be the goddess to oversee drunk text dialing/texting/emailing etc. If you've ever attempted to drunk dial and couldn't find service or dialed the wrong number then I am the person you thank for preventing you from looking like a fool. But being saved is a rarity.
God of Small Talk. No more awkward conversations, chat with women for hours without either of us getting bored. The networking opportunities will be endless.
Either the the god of when your nose itches but your hands are either full or super dirty so it's just driving you mad OR the god of when you can feel a booger flickering around near the outside of your nostril but you are unable to subtlety wipe it away and you just know if you don't get rid of it soon people are thing to notice but not say anything. I am a wrathful god.
I will be the vengeful god of turn signals. I will smite those that can't be bothered to communicate their intentions. I will reward my loyal followers with green arrows.
The god of banging your toe/knee/leg into table legs and corners. I serve no purpose aside from being devious and pissing people off. Your anger pleases me.
[deleted] ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 18:11:35 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of ball sticking... I will ensure that your balls never again become stuck to your thigh or any other nether region!
Minor God of the Junk Drawer. Praise me and you shall always find the drawer filled with the item you seek: rubber bands, soy sauce packets, dice, shoe laces etc Anger me and I shall seal the drawer by assembling random utensils to form a really annoying barrier.
god of group projects. pray to me and not all of the group members will be dumber than sin. Infuriate me and I will make sure that all the work falls to you!
The God of stepping barefooted onto Lego bricks on your way to the bathroom at 3 in the morning.
I become the bane of parents the world over, spat angrily about in spite to scare children into picking up their toys before retiring to bed like a modern day boogeyman... for feet.
God of AUX cables. Worship me, I'll make sure even your 1$, 5-year old, chinese-made cable always deliver unbelievable sound quality. Piss me off and even your gold-plated BOSE cable will disconnect with each bump in the road.
I'd really be more of a regulatory body to ensure that they all stack neatly together in the cabinet. I swear, that shit is the bane of my dishwashing existence.
Gomolon ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 18:21:45 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The god of making things magically work after turning them off and then on again.
I would be the god of breakfast preparations. With enough praise I can decrease the time it takes to craft a perfect breakfast for you, thus allowing you to move slower and wake up later. Anger me, though, and you won't be able to find that one thing and have to skip breakfast altogether.
My worst punishment shall be that you find the milk jug empty, but only after having poured your cereal. Thus you shall have to eat cereal in water.
RedKurZe ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:28:34 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I would be the God of diet coke, if you drink in my honor, you will enjoy a happier life everyday, but if you only drink it cuz of diet then you'll get fatter.
Cr0w33 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 18:28:34 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
it's a good gag in Xanth novels. everyone has powers, some are just not that amazing. for instance, the power to form a spot on any wall.
Kodemar ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 18:29:27 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I shall be the god of Random Ninja Skills. Dropped your pen? Nope, it bounces off the edge of the table and slips carefully into your pocket. Accidentally slip while walking on icy pavement? Nope, you just matrix dodged a snowball some kid threw.
Whenever something happens that would embarrass you, I shall turn it into something epic instead. I got your back bro.
frogNews ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 18:30:29 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Treat me right, and maybe your cat won't decide that 3am is party time, knock over your lamp, and then tear warp speed around the house making demonic growling sounds!
Burn the correct incense, and your cat will decide they do like that flavor of food after all, after mysteriously refusing it though this is the food they've always gotten.
Make the correct sacrifices, and maybe they won't sleep in the litter tray any more, and then jump on your bed, shedding their poop particles with abandon.
God of bowel movements. Do not piss me off or you're not shitting for a week. Or maybe you're stuck to the toilet for the next 3 days violently. Who knows.
You anger me? You'll guess and guess and guess until you are locked out of your account and have to deal with customer service!
Please me? You guess your password immediately out of the dozen passwords you've created.
BMWags ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 18:46:17 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I would be 'God of Breakfast'
Should I be angered I will lay your most important meal of the day to waste with soggy cereal, burnt toast, overcooked bacon, bitter coffee, and eggs prepared exactly how you don't like them.
Should I be mildly displeased, I may just turn your pulpy, fresh orange juice into concentrate.
But I can be less cunty. Blessing you with fluffy pancakes. Or butter packets that aren't too hard, not too melted, but just right for spreading on toast and things.
My weakness may be that I'd really only have any godlike abilities in places where there is food.
Either the benevolent god of getting a parking space right in front of the door of a restaurant when you're having a bad day, or malevolent god of having your toast always pop up the moment you look away because you've been staring at it and waiting for it to pop up but then you get frustrated.
The god of cell phone reception. I'll never be there when you need it most, and I'll be there all the time when you don't care. Now that I think about it, that's pretty much the same as any other god.
Easy. God of minor discomfort. Paper cuts? Thats me. Hit your funny bone? Feel the burn, bitch. Bite into a hot pocket? I'm the burnt roof of your mouth, motherfuckers.
blaghart ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 18:54:35 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Death. Nothing more ordinary and mundane than the one thing everyone has in common.
the god of staircase wit. please me, and you'll always have a comeback whenever you need it. anger me, and you'll only ever have 'your mom' jokes to fall back on twenty minutes later.
wei-long ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 18:59:36 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Network connectivity.
Up-and-comer with built-in growth, and widespread daily appeals for favor. Those that hold my favor enjoy low ping, no ISP outages, and google fios. Blasphemers will receive "up to" speeds.
LHodge ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:01:01 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
*AT&T Speeds
Up to 16mbps down! Actually 4.1mbps down/0.6mbps up!
HeroCC ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 18:59:42 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of printers. Make me mad and you get jams, misconfigurations, and all the printer faults you know and love. Make me happy and you will have a slightly less faulty printer.
The God of drunk people. I will get you home alive but you will have to make sacrifices to me. I accept lost wallets, broken cell phones and copious amounts of vomit.
Allergies. I would have so many temples devoted to me, many offerings to alleviate the itchy, watery eyes, and the sneezing. Please me, and your hay fever is gone. Anger me, and you're suddenly allergic to your dog. Just wash and wax your car? Ooooh yeah, let me pollen all over it.
My eventual temple could modeled after a HEPA filter held up by anti-histamine bottles.
Chi-raq ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 19:08:04 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Behold! I am the Goddess of Remembering Your Password on the Final Attempt. Your offerings will ensure that you do not have to reset a new password to include a capital letter, number, love spell, and nothing that will get you any points on Words with Friends. Anger me, and no two of your passwords will be the same.
[deleted] ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 19:12:18 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The Flatulence God. Worshippers will be silent and scentless when needed. Non believers will blow an eggy anal trumpet every time they are in company
God of satellite communications. It's the only thing I know how to do and I spent enough time praying the equipment I had wouldn't break that I'm sure there should be a god.
You know that sound you make when you stub your toe or slam your shin into a coffee table or hit your head on a cabinet door? The one where you suck in a lot of air through clenched teeth and somehow that seems to help the pain,maybe not a whole lot, but a little bit? Yeah, that's me.
You're welcome.
Antebios ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 19:13:37 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
You know you walk around barefoot and you hit your pinky-toe on the corner of furniture? I'll be the God of Pinky-Toe collisions.
The god of printer functionality. Oh, you really need to print that report for work/school right now? Your career or grade depends on it getting in on time? Well....remember that mean thing you said about me the other day...?
That would be the title... Has some gravitas I feel.
[deleted] ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 19:22:14 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Cleaning. I take pride in cleaning.
Make me happy and you'll have a pristine home that everyone will love to visit. Piss me off and you'll have a dead rat in your wall.
This is a good thing.
Drive like an idiot and every light you come across shall be red and will stay that way until the person you blaized past or cut off catches up to you. Drive like a decent human being and all your lights shall be green and the roads clear. I am a vengeful goddess...
Goddess of comfortable public transit. Pray to me, and no one will shove their knee into your leg or start eating an onion sandwich right beside you. Pray harder and there will be no more B.O. Leave me offerings, and not only will you always have a clean seat, but the seats on either side of you will be totally empty.
God of subtle triumphs, that time you made a half court shot without trying, when the glass fell out of the cupboard and you caught it on your foot, or when you did all your make up perfect on the first try, you can thank me for that.
Behold: I am the God of the toilet seat. A Precocious and unpredictable God.
Depending on my mood, you'll either have a nice, room temperature seat to gently kiss your cheeks - firm enough to provide a productive support, yet gentle enough to cup your bottom...
or if you cross me, it's a damp toilet seat eternally warm from a previous occupant's arse, with a solitary yet clingy hair. When you gingerly descend onto your porcelain throne, the seat will suddenly and unexpectedly slide, causing a minor heart attack and some spillage.
I tend to be the god you meet before you're blessed with a kiss from /u/cross-joint-lover
I would be the God of Incidental Coffee Of Which One Has No Control Whatsoever.
Coffee in waiting rooms, cafeterias, company meetings. If I am a happy God, your mouth shall not be tainted with That Horrible Burnt Taste, nor will you Regret Having The First Or Last Cup from a thermos. Tour cup Will Also Not Runneth Over So Easily.
If I am a vengeful God, you will wish that Oh God I Should Have Brought My Own.
The goddess of things stuck in drawers.
I am a merciful goddess, call out to me every time a random implement jams the drawer and just maybe I will let it open. Maybe.
Every time I start a new job there's always some mundane task that I excel at and the same scene pops into my stupid brain. Right now it's scanning old paperwork.
Look at him scanning. Has anyone ever scanned so quickly or so well? He's the one the office prophecy spoke of! He is the chosen one!
So I would probably be the God of Stupid Delusions of Grandeur, Mundane Officework Division.
God of google search results. Making sure that your vague description of that blue book is on the first two pages of results.
[deleted] ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 20:08:24 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I would be responsible for making sure stores only had the exact quantity of something a person needs, so they could feel the smug satisfaction of getting the last one.
[deleted] ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 20:12:49 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
jeff, god of biscuits. summon me for tea time. have nice day.
My_D0g ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 20:17:07 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I would be the god of beard growing.
krushyn ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 20:24:25 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I'll be god of cheeky glances, be it an argument between strangers kicking off, someone behind you who looks like a friend or a quick turn to see an attractive persons bum. I'll make sure you don't get caught looking. If you want to look longer you'll need to pray to the God of awkward staring.
mazze01 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 20:46:55 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The God of correct autocorrections.
Our western, spoiled, modern societies are crippled too often by autocorrect miss-firing. Our important or even simple text messages and cheese tinder pickup lines are constantly being tormented by autocorrect automatically assuming the wrong. Fear no more! I am the mighty God of autocorrect.
I'll single handedly make sure all you intended is sent, no less or more. Those who oppose me will however suffer and can duck off!
How are people going to blame silly messages on autocorrections? - you may ask. Your prayers will be listened to, mortal, by older sibling the Goddess of text messaging.
I'd choose to be the goddess of jellyfish and sea slugs. I determine when there's a jelly bloom, and by george, do not fuck with me or you'll get sea slugs up your nose.
You know when you find random change on the street or in the car. Yeah that would be me haha.
10strip ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 20:52:32 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I am 10strip, the god of traffic lights. You knew someone had to be controlling them, right? Well I saw you speed through my sacred yellow light so no greens for you this week!
God of dropped money. If you're bad, I'll punish you by making you drop that $5. If I like you I will bless you with the dropped money and lucky pennies.
Lobot01 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 20:53:50 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I would be the god of punishing (by death) whoever is failing to refill free sample containers at stores nice enough to provide free samples. This would eliminate the unbearable letdown of finding a treat tray VOID OF FREE SNACKS
I would be a god of semicolons. I'd help you find that missing semicolon in your code, but if you angry me, i'll turn them semicolons into greek question marks.
BrainJar ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 20:54:46 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Toilet Paper. Imagine how much crap you'd get into! And, all that tang too...sign me up.
Process. I want to be the goddess of process. Everything has a process.
Please me, and your plans for the day are blessed and go as smoothly as possible. Piss me off and enjoy a day equivalent to your worst day at the DMV and Ground Hog Day combined!
God of cut off sleeves. Sacrifice your shirts, or for the most blessings a hoodie. When it's your 5th arm day this week- I'll make sure no one looks at your legs.
God of masturbation. I give all the horny teens their orgasms, but I get to watch them first...
lsrwLuke ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 21:08:43 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The God of sleeping in and still getting everything done.
lyzabit ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 21:09:12 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Goddess of the WiFi connection.
[deleted] ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 21:09:45 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I would be the Goddess of Chipotle, depicted as a beautiful woman with flowing brown hair seated upon a flying burrito. I would still have to pay for guac, though.
vorpike ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 21:09:49 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The god of phone batteries, kneel before me, and the next time your mom calls, you'll have a sufficient charge.
God of Brewing Good Coffee. I would demand that everyone pour one ounce of their coffee as a sacrifice! If you don't do it, I will make sure that the coffee tastes like crap
The God of a Thousand "you almost just tripped and fell but you caught yourself before it turned ugly and now you kinda have to hop around for a second or two to regain your balance".
If it happened to you, I'm sorry, nothing personal. I just have a quota to maintain. It's gotta happen 1,000 times a day.
I would be the god of hammocks. Making sure they only fail on camera that is unless you anger me, in which case the hammock will fail the very second you stop filming.
mbene913 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 21:14:24 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Pencil sharpening
Like people pray that the point doesn't break and that it's not only sharp on one end. I could also play a role in erasers maintaining form
[deleted] ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 21:14:30 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I would be the god of the bunched jeans. Anger me and you will have an embarrassing zipper-area bunch that looks like a boner when you sit or lay down, especially in front of family members or other authorities, and girls you like at school.
I'd be the god of early morning masturbation. Anger me and you won't finish before you have to get up for work. Offend me and I will let you finish, but you'll be really late for work
I will be the God of the Work-around: the plan has been shot to shit, but you can work around the oozing bucket of puss and blood that is the product of your plan by praying to me for divine inspiration. Perhaps you seek a Macguyverism to save your soul? He is my first disciple, and he shall reign on earth as I reign in my holy tool shed sanctuary.
I would be the God of traffic. Oh, you didn't pray to me today? Well, lets add another 45 minutes to your commute, your car will be running on empty, and the nearest Gas Station costs $4.50 a gallon!
Oh, you did pray? Here is an open fast-lane for miles, and gas prices at home are much more reasonable!
Pray to me and I'll make sure the questions on the exam will be from the one part you got around to study.
I'll make sure that the people you're meeting with are held up just enough when you're running late.
That work that you halfassed because you left it too late, it'll be just good enough thst nobody notices.
KazWolfe ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 21:28:06 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I shall be the god of internet speeds. Pray to me and I'll give you 4G speeds. But piss me off, and I'll ramp up your speeds so much that you'll have to sell your firstborn to pay the phone bill. Or I give you Dial-Up. Depends on how mad I am.
The God of Finding Small Treasures in the Trash or Second Hand Stores. I won't find you a winning lottery ticket or gold bullion but I will find you a spare phone charger that works, a fixer upper bike or a little lego spaceman Just that one thing so you don't feel like you have nothing, you have something.
Googlius
I am the god of Googles auto fill. Pray to me and you will be granted the text that you want. But if you don't pray, your in for a world of awkward and uncomfortable recommended searches.
Just hope that no one beside you asks you to search something.
P....
Porn hub
Poo on me
Postal stamp fetish
Aylithe ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 21:31:38 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Heartbreak.
I know it better than anything else, I'd be the master.
[deleted] ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 21:34:19 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Sandwiches
keklyfe ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 21:34:39 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I am the god of that dropped eating utensil that you don't know if you want to continue using it or not.
SeekerDS ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 21:35:09 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I am the god of traffic. If you have pleased me, you will never see a red light. If you have angered me, you will see every red light.
[deleted] ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 21:35:11 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Goddess of cramps. All those with cramps, from periods to random leg cramps, will feel lesser to no pain with my blessing. Piss me off and you'll get cramps that will make you beg for the pain to go away.
PilotDad ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 21:43:24 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The god of fitting all your shit into the trunk (boot) of the car on road trips. It's like Tetris with a hundred different shapes, but I can help your sorry ass out if you prove worthy.
The god of just about the right amount of milk and sugar in your coffee.
gdunlap ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 21:47:51 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I choose parking spaces. Appease me and find a close parking space on your travels. Anger me and you will be in the last space a mile from the door and it will pour down rain.
dxdifr ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 21:48:09 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I would be the God of that moment when two people walk towards each other and both try to step to the side but always end up in front of each other again. So satan...
Punishments for common sense failures that are directly proportional in harshness to the effect on other people the common sense failure has.
Government officials producing nonsensical rules that mess up people's lives beware!
[deleted] ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 21:52:30 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Sandwiches. Those graced by my favor are blessed with a sandwich that hits all the right spots. Those who have earned my wrath shall be filled with the disappointment of a mediocre sandwich.
atsugnam ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 21:52:32 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
So many people thinking so small...
The God of beer wenches, c'mon, tithings of beer delivered by appropriately attired attendants...
[deleted] ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 22:00:34 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I would be the God of that last fry in the bag. Pray to me, and you shall get extra fries!
Isimagen ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 22:01:10 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I'd like to be the god of Traffic and Driving. I'd like to smite from the heavens all the shitty drivers who can't stay in their lanes, understand signs, or don't know how to use turn signals. The heavens would open up and destroy those riding in the fast lanes in slow vehicles. Oh the things I'd do and the fun I'd have!
_pH_ ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 22:01:49 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of Biting your Tongue.
I'm basically just an asshole.
Ailbe ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 22:02:52 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Jeff, the God of Biscuits
Simon, the God of Hairdos
pcpoet ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 22:04:23 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I want to be the god of wild speculation and conspiracy theories. I could constantly be egging on Mortals to think someone in government is out to get them.
I would be the god of stupid ideas you get while drunk/high: "Yes you can totally jump that", "Sure wrapping your food in tinfoil will make it microwave faster"
donofjons ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 22:10:17 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)*
God of cookie ingredients. Praise me and I shall bless you with chocolate chips, anger me and your joy shall turn to raisins in your mouth. My most devote followers will be blessed with macadamia nuts.
ewrewr1 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 22:11:11 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Goddess of first dates - if I smile upon you, I'll lead you to the person you will spend the rest of your life with. If you piss me off, I'll send you into the arms of a serial killer or your shittiest ex.
The God of keeping your images where you put them in the Word document. Forget to say your prayers and your images will be reincarnated on the next page.
The god of tangled headphones in your pocket. Sacrifice a goat for me and your headphones will miraculously untangle when you take them out of your pocket. Neglect me and you will spend your whole bus ride on that really pesky knot in the middle of the cord.
God of "that weird thing your heart does after eating a McDonalds cheeseburger, you know, like it skipped a beat but a little more terrifying, like if someone reached through your rib cage and flicked your left ventricle".
I am the god of drinking cold drinks with no shirt on. Pray to me, and perhaps that ice cold condensation on the side of the glass might miss your exposed stomach.
endo1308 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 22:26:28 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of Hangovers. Very mundane and who wouldn't want a God that could fix hangovers.
forticus ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 22:26:49 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I would love to take over as the goddess of call quality and keeper of dropped calls. For lo, let thyself look upon the world with kindness and I shall look upon thee with favor. Thy calls that are wanted will be carried in crystalline quality while thy idiot of a cousin shall wonder at why she can never understand you and inevitably hangs up in frustration. Pray to me call center prisoners for i live within thee; let no man threaten thee or belittle thee. Should thy caller be a dick let thy heart rest easy for thy call shall drop with no interference from you. BUT BE WARNED MORTAL! Should thee be the asshole instead, all calls shall route to thee with no wait time and this shall go doubly if thee art the one that call cycles. Praise be unto me.
I am Scriptus, God of Writing and Writing Tools. Before every examination, you will pray for me to bless your essay with a passing mark. When you begin your procrastination ritual, you shall pray to me with the hopes of writing a cohesive paper before the morning light rises. All academia will worship me!
TeCKNeiC ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 22:31:34 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I am the God of your last 10%. Pray to me when your cell phone/laptop is at it's last 10% and if I show favor based on the diligence of your charging schedule and the sincerity of your prayers I shall hold your battery power at 10% as though it was being charged wirelessly. Those who carry around backup batteries/sources of power will pray to me in vain for they have put false Gods before me and I will drain their batteries at a rate of three times faster than usual if they call on me after using one of those.
kj4ezj ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 22:32:20 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I will be the God of getting your shit submitted between the time when your computer tells you to plug it in, and when your computer actually starts to hibernate.
God of nose picking. I'd bless you with that big crunchy booger that has a string up into your brain that you can feel goop out when you pull it - and you get a blessing if you eat it, and a curse if you smear it on something. Nothing happens if you put it in a tissue and throw it away.
I know I'm late, but I would like to be the God of Long Poops.
listix ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 22:37:34 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Really late to the party but I would be the god of the queues. Be nice to me and every queue that you enter will be really fast. Anger me and I will make sure you are the last one at every possible queue.
I would be god of the juggling cell phone catch. That thing you love is falling and your bouncing it around as you paw at it trying to grasp, but you'll only catch it if you make me happy.
Really, I'm so sorry about that cracked screen, but maybe you should've praised me more thoroughly the last time this freaking happened! Seriously, it's like every other day with you.
I am the Lord of Clearing the Remaining Cook Time on the Microwave. Those that defy me, shall receive either frozen in the middle or liquid hot magma hot pockets at my discretion. my supplicants enjoy no more than 4% unpoppped kernels in all popcorn bags. Praise me.
If you please me, I grant you the opportunity to take a refreshing nap during the day, without consequences. If you piss me off, you wake up after 3 hours of sleep during the night, unable to fall back asleep.
I would be God of Weeds. HOAs would practically force members into my alters. I would also expect lots of followers in Colorado and Washington... But for the opposite reason.
The God of Tying your shoelaces. Almost everyone seems to be using Velcro fasteners on their shoes now, so it'd be a pretty laid back position with lots of free time! :)
I am the Goddess of Naps. Seriously, if my husband wasn't on his way to pick me up for dinner with him and his work colleague, I'd be having a nap right now.
I'm pretty sure this is the premise of Hooizuki no reitetsu... My kids are in love with that anime. It's about a low level demonic beuarucrat who helps administer the day-to-day tasks in hell. I like it myself for the Buddhism references...
Bharhash ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 22:54:43 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of Annoying Bits of Food That Get Stuck In Your Teeth.
Praise me and you shall enjoy a wonderful life free from the annoyances of popcorn bits and caramel.
Defy me and you shall have bits of broccoli stuck in your teeth.
And yes it will be for your driver's license take.
And the wedding photos.
Yakman86 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 22:55:42 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I hope this hasn't been taken yet. I would love to be the god of showers. Morning showers, warm showers, cold showers, relaxing showers & the last but not least the first shower after a while in the outdoors.
shaun056 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 22:57:44 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The God of stubbing your toe on chairs. I seem to do that fairly often...
Spite me and your pen shall forever run dry, or explode in your pocket.
Wanna sign that armistice, mortgage, birth certificate, or receipt? Bow down.
Betruul ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 22:59:31 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of dissappearing pens.
My judgmenet is passed about how said pens are treated.
Of course the more expensive pens are the ones i like and so they dissapear to become mine MWAHAHAHAHAH
I would be the stoplight god. I'm the guy you curse when you're late for work and hit every red light along the way. When I'm bored, I'll sometimes collaborate with the bladder god to make your ride home miserable.
Cyphr ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 23:00:46 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I'm in IT: Turning it off and on again.
billcard ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 23:01:04 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of Call Center Service. Please me and the most complex of inquiries will be handled by a quick, competent, friendly agent. Please me not and you will have to take the day off to activate a credit card.
I would be the god of random boners. If you displease me I will cause you to pop a stiffy each and every time you get up to do a presentation.. Or when you're wearing gym shorts. MAY YOUR SOCIAL LIFE FALL AND YOUR PHALLUS STAND TALL!
The God of Inconvenience. All those in a hurry shall have a plague of inconveniences unless my demands are not met.
[deleted] ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 23:07:39 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I am the God of procrastination. No really I am. Will edit this later to give proper examples of why.
hedsit ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 23:08:13 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Spoons.
MpVpRb ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 23:08:46 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I just want to be god of beer..kinda like Ninkasi
sanransa ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 23:09:12 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I would be the God of handshake/fistbump mix up. That feeling of "why did that happen to me" is me on your shoulders. Snoop dog is impervious to my curse.
The God of Gas, IF you pray to me and offer a tribute extra gas will be added to the tank, if the offering is exceptional then gas will be free. If I don't receive any offering then I will curse the individual with excessive stomach gas and wretched "who cut the cheese" farts until the next time they go to the pump
Pantskat ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 23:14:27 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of egg salad. I just really like egg salad, okay??
The god of toasting bagels until they're just a little crisp on the outside, but not totally dry on the inside. This portfolio may also include waffles and/or english muffins.
cybermesh ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 23:17:41 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)*
I would be the god of correcting improperly used apostrophes, because misplaced apostrophes are the embodiment of Satan himself.
I will be the God of Forgotten Toilet paper. Should you forget one you may chant my summoning prayer three times and I will come upon you. You will be asked what are you willing to give up for a price of one roll.
[deleted] ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 23:21:33 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of random bluescreens. You know when your computer crashes like once a year for non explainable reason. Well I'm the god who fixed it. Or made it happen. You'll never know.
noisycat ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 23:39:13 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I would be the goddess of knitting needles. I would keep them together and have a small but furiously devout following.
God of butt stuff. I start off just overseeing fingering and diddling. Then as more people worship me, I start encroaching on penetration territory. I would eventually, after a few years of hard work, be able to dictate how often you get anal sex and how clean your dick will be afterwards.
tired040 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 23:40:03 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of increasing trash bin capacity.
One weeks trash fills up the bin? Not if you're in my good graces. Go on, you lazy sob, have another week. Your trash will not overflow.
I'll be the god of that thing where you're just about to sneeze, but then your friend is all "Hey what's up!" and you suddenly freeze, but you still have that nose tingle and it's a horrible tease, and you're like "fuuuuuck"
[deleted] ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 23:58:35 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Patron God of College Debtors.
I have a lot of work to do.
jbtuck ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 23:58:46 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I am the God of Change. To use my powers, bring me exactly two quarters, three dimes, four nickles, and five pennies and put it all into a nearby vending machine. Then type in 608A130CB3909D and one dollar will come out of the machine.
billcard ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 00:00:37 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of the Black Whirlies. I won't stop you from drinking too much, but will adjust the speed at which the room revolves.
I'll be the goddess of microwaved food.
Displease me and I'll make the dish hot as hell and your food cold as ice.
Keep me happy and your spaghetti's will be in warm harmony.
Goddess of Microsoft word. I have the power of writing a beautiful, complex document without touching the mouse. Pray to me that auto suggest gives you the function you were looking for!
[deleted] ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 00:04:38 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I would be the god of unrepeatable feats. You just got the wad of paper in the trash on the first time? That was me, I won't help you when you try again. You narrowly avoid being in a three car pile-up by some insane drifting and over-correction? That was me, I won't help you the next time.
Lehk ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 00:07:04 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)*
God of filing and bookkeeping. When the IRS comes after you for a deduction 4 years ago you pray to me that you find your copies.
I would be the God of Name Recall, UmmmHeeeyDuuude. Praise my name and ye shall never have those embarassing moments of awkwardly forgetting coworkers/neighbors' names months after it was comfortable to ask them their name again. Additionally, thine enemies and various creepers will never have that infinitesimal hook on your attention they need to slip in and hold you in conversation for precious moments of your time. Praise UmmmHeeeyDuuude!
[deleted] ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 00:14:58 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I will be the god of the bluecollars. May you always have 2 weeks vacation and double OT, and may the DOT troopers forever ignore your faulty tail light.
I would be the Goddess of Things Not Sticking. Worship me in the kitchen for cookies don't stick to the baking sheet, for fish that sears without adhering to the pan. Worship me in the summer when your thighs don't stick to the leather seats in the car. Worship me when your price tags peel right off. And curse me when your post-it loses its stick-em, when your command strips fall off the wall, when your magnets slide off the fridge, when your Velcro straps fail.
I would be the God of Green Traffic Lights. For those times when you're late for that thing - never fear, my humble commuter, for I shall keep the green coming.
Cross me, and you shall see only red!
J11Wars ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 00:29:05 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I'd like to be the god of Human Relations.
"Uh Zeus, we've got to talk. Corporate frowns upon you morphing into a cow and seducing 12 year old boys and girls."
bodnar97 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 00:29:21 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I would be the god of when you drop your phone and it doesn't break
God of making shit out of paper. Call me Lord Papyrus.
Need to perform an assassination? I got you. Punish the infidels? Bro I'm your deity. Landlord kicked your broke, ugly ass out? Fuck him, we can pull through. Couldn't save the City of Townsville because that shit was too big for your powerless, pathetic body to protect? Come derp around in our far superior hood. What? You want to give your life protecting and serving the king? Dafuq, do you think this is Harlem of the Dead you shrimp dick fuck nugget? Fine.
As you can see, my power will far surpass the other gods', and I shall be promoted in 26.2 minutes flat. You mortals better drop all the fancy paper, tape, and hot glue in my (altar)[http://blogs.kqed.org/ourxperience/files/2012/01/hmongNY1.jpg].
I'd be the God of Getting Out of the Friend Zone. Prostrate yourself before me, and I shall bestow upon thee the ability to get any girl to be your loyal, devoted girlfriend.
[deleted] ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 00:35:14 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The God of deciding that an email will do and we don't need to call a meeting.
I would be the God of the accidental booby sighting. Like when you are in high school and that girl you like leans down just a little bit too far and you see full outline/bra etc. I would be responsible for wet tshirt contests and holywood tape failing at just the right time. Every time you glimpse an errant boob - that was me. You're welcome.
The God of falling back into your dream when you lay back down. Please me and you can enjoy being an astronaut for twenty more minutes. Piss me off and suffer back at work and everything's behind and you can't get a single thing done. WHERE ARE THOSE PAPERS JOHNSON!!
God of logging. Where I come from you never get to go in and out of the woods with mother natures goods without paying your dues and lots of trials and tribulation. I would love to fuck with peoples trucks in the middle of the woods pretty much.
I'd be the God of Office Meetings. Pray to me Hard enough and you'll be the king of that 15 minute meeting. Be it big presentation or little impromptu hallway meetings, I'd make the one that prays to me enough come out the best!
Somzer ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 00:40:12 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I AM THE ALMIGHTY GOD OF SLEEP! FEAR ME, PRAY TO ME, OR I SHALL RENDER THOU SLEEPLESS!
Lvon117 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 00:41:00 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I will be the god of toilet paper
If you place your toilet paper under instead of over you will be cursed with your own fingers piercing through the toilet paper and maneuvering straight into you shitty butt hole. I am also friends with the God of diarrhea and if pissed I can convince him to curse you as well to ensure you get even more punishment from my curse.
If you place your toilet paper over you have nothing to fear.
Do dreams count? They're an everyday occurrence. I could really exploit his position to make the world a better place depending on the powers I had. I'd give climate change deniers and the people in charge of the groups that fund them constant nightmares about being in a polluted dystopia. Rapists and murderers have recurring nightmares of being their victims. Students get free nightly review sessions. Good and honest people in general would be rewarded with a nice vacation to their wildest dreams when they sleep.
goingftl ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 00:52:53 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Morphues has got that one.
likwid6 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 00:45:10 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The god of applying a cell phone/tablet screen protector with no bubbles on the first try.
Piss me off and expect multiple bubbles and a speck of dust right in the middle of a predominantly bright portion of the screen.
People are programmed to pay homage to you twice a day. Teeth will be seen as a gift from a god - in particular, you.
And your name will forever be on the tips of people's tongues.
xDulmitx ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 00:52:42 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of Packing Things So They Fit Perfectly.
Worship me and your items will always manage to fit in a container with little to no spare room. Spite me and suffer the wrath of having 1 oddly shaped item which is just a little to big to pack in one box, but overly small in another and in which nothing seems to be able to nestle.
Worship me by playing Tetris.
Kroxzy ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 00:54:07 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Taking fat dabs
[deleted] ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 00:54:59 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of charger cables. I'd make it so that, whenever someone lost one, I'd get it as a sacrifice. I could collect them and sell them as indulgences.
God of geological activity. It's important, but not all that damn' frequent, so there'd be plenty of slack time in the job. Or maybe the job of orbital precession. Even better.
In my bid to be a dark god, I would start as the god of flipping people off while driving.
biblis_ ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 00:59:22 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The god of pointless petty arguments
DKTaika ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 01:01:11 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I would be the god of traffic lights. Those that worship me well will see green lights all the way to their destinations leaving you never in a rush. While those that anger me will hit long red lights the entire way and find themselves late on every occassion
I dunno. God of phone booths maybe? I mean, there are like no phone booths anymore. It would be dead easy.
Then again, that might have some connection to my power or amount of tithings I receive. If that's the case, then I think I want to be the god of search engines.
[deleted] ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 01:09:02 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
If you please me, I would let you do something productive today. If not, I'll make you browse nothing but dank memes and miss all your appointments that day.
I would be the God of code compiling correctly the first time. My worshippers may not be the most social bunch so spreading the faith may be hard, but they WOULD be loyal.
God of "not cutting yourself when shaving", but I would make it so everyone only used electrical razors, so I'd essentially have nothing to do but enjoy my divinity. Maybe I'll get another position to optimize, rising through the ranks of the pantheon by making problems go away. Eventually I'd become the God of Solutions, and, even more eventually, I'll be the God of Morality and Decisionmaking, essentially able to guide all human action as I see fit.
The god of your morning commute. Pray to me and traffic will flow on your chosen route, but incur my wrath and you shall be five minutes late forever more.
[deleted] ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 01:31:25 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Candy
[deleted] ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 01:31:43 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Iโd be the god of body hair. Pray to me and I will grace you with your perfectly dreamed hairstyle or beard. Iโll even stunt hair growth for places you donโt desire it. Smite me or use my name in vain, and youโll be the hairiest fucking ape the world has seen.
The God of naps.. You will always have time for a quick snooze before everyone gets home and asks you to do stuff.. Only if you give me offerings of chocolate.
I would be the god of driving. I would grant people the route of all green lights when the need them the most. On the other hand, I would give transmission failures for the bastards who get behind the wheel and on the road and then don't drive.
bigterry ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 01:42:19 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
btafaii ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 01:44:42 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Tracker of spiteful prayers, where I will reward petty vengeance that resolves around the likes of running out of lube on a lonely night or being one cent short on a digital account and requiring a new purchase of currency.
I am Iscosceles, god of triangles. Thou shall not want for greater telephone or router signals when I am worshipped. Lo!He who crosses me sees no bars.
I would be the God of forgotten passwords. You'd need a special code to enter the temple, but it'll still take you three tries before you remember the damn thing. What's more, you will remember it the moment you're locked out of the temple, and need to wait another day to come back in. Sadly, you'd likely forget it by then.
The God of Daydreaming. It would actually be pretty cool, because I could just think of random fun things at will and Daydreaming is technically ordinary, mundane, and an every-day thing
[deleted] ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 02:04:09 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)*
Deleting my Reddit account because of new privacy EULA.
Addrian ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 02:12:28 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of IT. Cross me and I shall corrupt the BIOS itself!
neish ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 02:14:37 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I'm the god of ingrown hairs. If you carry my favour you can extract the gunk and it'll be satisfying, if I hate you, you get a cyst that needs to be lanced.
I was actually drunk at a BBQ this weekend and was making drinks for people. My friend came out of the house with a full plate of lime wedges right when i had ran out. I called her the Goddess of Sliced Limes. she answered my prayers immediately, so i believe.
I would be the Goddess of Really Good Stretches After Sitting Around For Too Long. :D
roshasis ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 02:30:01 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I'm the god of that thing, when you're just about to sneeze. Then your friends all "hey what's up" and you suddenly freeze, and your nose still tingles and its a terrible tease
Goddess of seeing that awesome thing you just did.
Knock something off the counter and it miraculously bounces into the trash?
"Oh man I wish someone had been here to see that!!!"
No worries bro, I saw. Goddess five.
The God of Printers. Every time someone has an issue, which is basically all the time, they have to pray to me. The.right.prayers would invoke such powers as term papers printing at the last minute or running out of all color in a multi color cartige at exactly the same time. Temples would contain shrines where you would.contain places.to recycle.your expended cartridges.
TxllxM ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 02:51:24 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The god that when you drop phone either, you prey and it shall be unscathed, or piss me off and it becomes cracked to the point of no use it falls in a sewer drain or something.
The one whose job it is to assign purgatory missions for discriminating against others based upon religious grounds. Set the bar ridiculously high and watch them flail about trying to atone for their sins during their life, only to send them back as a centipede or salamander if they actually succeed in fulfilling their purgatory mission.
Goddess of unfufilled drunken messages and calls. Appease me and those words will be undelivered. Anger me and you will remember your stupidity for all eternity!
The God of that moment when two people are walking toward each other and don't know if they're in each other's ways but in trying to correct their perceived mistake, cause the mistake they were trying to avoid in the first place.
I would be the God of Perfect Poached Eggs. Even if you forget the vinegar, don't make a whirlpool and the eggs are too old, it won't matter - I will smile upon you with infinite beneficence and you will get perfect foodporn poached eggs with runny yolks every single time. And if you're really nice, I'll make sure your Hollandaise sauce never splits as well.
The Goddess of Bees. If they go, we're taking everyone with us. Plant your flowers and stuff.
ReVaas ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 03:39:39 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
video games
paulh008 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 03:43:34 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Late to the party, meh. But I'd be the God of Indifference. It really wouldn't matter one way or the other. Want to throw a house party? Pray to me and your parents won't care, cops won't give a shit about that speeding ticket, and your guaranteed to get laid.
[deleted] ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 03:51:29 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The god of regulating car alarms that go off incessantly in the middle of the night.
[deleted] ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 04:38:20 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)*
The god of the warm sunlight in cold weather.
Good people would find themselves blessed with the pleasant feeling of the begginings of spring, with soft cool breezes intensifying the warm light of the sun between the clouds.
Evil heathens would feel sharp icy air in winter and horribly intense blinding sunlight in summer.
Good people would find the cold breezes on summer and warmth in winter.
Heathens will prepare to go out to the cold winter and suddenly find the climate too warm to wear the jacket. And in summer, they will come out of their houses, ready to enjoy the sun, just to feel the power of the cold odd wind which forces you to wear something else.
id be the god of happy coincidence. you order 2 large pizza and today just happens to be a 20% off sale. you go to buy a mundane item and a person you have a crush on is there to buy the same thing.
Lionisa ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 04:48:55 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I'd be goddess of books, specifically finding the exact page of information you were looking for or your spot in your book when you're bookmark falls out. Death to the dog earers of the world!
The God of Logon. You have a big project due for work today? Nope, that password is wrong, and that one, yes even that one that no one knows is secretly your brazzers account
The god of disc golf. I know a lot of people that already pray to such a god to help them miss this a tree or whatever so really, I'd just be fulfilling a role that is already requested.
aaronite ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 05:31:38 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of God of War. I've never played it, but it'd be cool. Sounds important, but totally isn't.
[deleted] ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 05:37:17 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
god of mild enthusiasm. a favorite among middle managers everywhere.
Nosiege ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 05:38:50 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The God of being able to scratch that itch in just the right way.
Goddess of Double Point Knitting Needles. Bow before my alter, leave me offerings of plied wool and silk thread, and never again will you be left wondering why you only have three needles instead of a proper set of four or five.
Also, never again will you be left wondering where your size 7s are, you know you left them exactly in this skein of yarn last, and when on Earth you picked up four sets of 5s.
The Goddess of Green Lights. Please me and I'll ensure that you hit every green light. Anger me and I'll make sure that red light glitches that day and stays red until you figure out 2 minutes later that it's broken..
infinus5 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 06:02:54 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The god of gold panning
When I am out digging for gold in the creeks and I havent found anything for awhile I mutter a short "where the fuck is the gold Hades!? you owe me!" and low in behold almost every pan after that has a few flakes, not enough to get me rich, but enough to keep me coming back. I could be one of Hades sub contractors putting tiny flecks of gold into spoons and putting the biggest chunky nuggets in the pans of those who give thanks the most. these people will find happiness in what they have and give thanks, those that do not give thanks will forever seek that foot ball sized nugget, but never find it, even though it was under their feet the whole time.
Not that important, but more power than you'd think. Small comfort in heat, moving paper, flying seeds, etc...
Temples should be filled with windchimes and paper windmills, to allow me to make my presence known. Offerings should be burnt and scattered into a slight breeze (not Wind, fuck that guy.)
god of the pointless argument. friends, relationships, jobs. these thing matter not to this god. what matters is that when your ex-boss goes online later to check, he finds out that you were right; teeth are part of the skeleton, but are NOT made of bone (enamel and dentin).
I am the God of that thing you were just thinking about and that you were just about to go do or write down because it was worth remembering, but now that you've gone to do it you can't remember what it was.
Menolydc ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 08:04:57 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I'd like to be the goddess of vending machines, If you score 7777 and win a free drink, it was me. (I live in Japan and they have lucky numbers in vending machines)
The God of labor conditions. Cuz fuck this Texas heat
Riverya ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 09:08:33 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The god of reconnecting. Every time you lose your Internet connection in the middle of a game, I'll reconnect it for you once your connection is good to go.
Rito pls.
[deleted] ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 09:33:50 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of Procrasturbation
Because you have so much important shit to do......you end up masturbating
The Smiter of Annoying Patients and Self-entitled Wankers in Hospitals.
The Mighty S.o.A.P.S.W.H.! ...wait...
[deleted] ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 09:42:17 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
internet connections, FOR TOO LONG my connection died before I was going to rank up SO I WILL SAVE THE PEOPLE OF THE PARTICULAR ROCKY ROCK ROCK WE LIVE ON AND STUFF, BY MAKING THEIR CONNECTION AMAZING
God of Reddit I decide whether you get to have your post noticed
Kazin7 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 09:50:52 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of making everything arrive on time when you need it! or the God of the "little voice in your head" hahah
Laoscaos ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 09:52:33 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I am Lars! God of remembering if you left the oven on!
[deleted] ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 09:58:47 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I would be the god of binge-watching Netflix. And like any respectable god, I'd lead by example. It's a tough job, but someone has to do it...for hours, and hours, and hours.
[deleted] ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 10:06:37 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I'd love to be the God of bowel movements
The number of prayers I would get!
I could smite anyone to diarrhoea or pies and it would be awesome
I will be the God of call centers. If you are polite and call to me you will get through, otherwise you might be on hold for 6 hours and then get a grumpy cat lady who doesn't hear every second word
I'm surprised there's no god of buses and trains up here yet. Pray to me and the train/bus will be on time. Ignore me, expect to be late.
mith192 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 11:52:02 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Bow down and pray before me, for I am the God of Bacon.
[deleted] ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 12:10:38 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The god of Tangled Cords
If you are kind to me, then rolled up Headphones stay nice, just as your left them... But if you piss me off, it'll be worse than defusing a fucking atom bomb... Choose wisely
Diethon- god of perfect rolls, patron saint of role players and gamblers
racf599 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 12:45:24 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I will be the god of state level government bureaucracy. please me and your applications will go through quickly and with no errors. anger me and you will suffer through a tax audit with a grumpy auditor who acts like he's getting paid commission.
The god of remembering to turn off things after you use them to save pennies on utility bills. Praise me and earn my MIRACLES: Lightswitch downstairs? I got that for ya bro. Going to work? It's cool I put your computer on standby and screen for you. Nah you don't need to stand up for the oven you forgot to turn off after you got your food out - I already turned it off -when- it was ready.
However earn my wrath and you shall know the infuriating sound of the tap just lightly dribbling from the bathroom as you get into bed, only -barely- still on, but enough to bug you and leave you indecisive of whether you want to bother to get up and go turn it off or not.
They shall call me... Officious!
I shall be God of Showering. Please me and your shower shall be at the perfect temperature within moments. Anger me and you shall never know the bliss of a perfect shower temperature. It is either too hot or too cold.
I would be the God of inappropriate farts. If your karma is good, it will be odorless and silent. If your a dickhead your farts will echo and leave a bad taste in your tinder dates mouth
I'll be the Goddess of the first date. You don't need to pray to me. I'll decide if this first date is going to end in a relationship or end that night. No more fuckboys dating perfect other people.
the goddess of web browser history :) pray hard enough, and i might erase it
Valese18 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 14:43:01 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The Goddess of Microwaves. Keep me happy and I'll make sure your food comes out all nice and perfect. Piss me off and I'll make sure there's a super icy cold spot right in the middle of your food every time.
[deleted] ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 14:54:31 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)*
I want to be the god of elevators (e.g buttons, doors).
Such chaos.
Edit* I forgot to put a.
Hanemone ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 15:07:41 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of mild inconveniences. Pray to me and you will be free of your inconvenience. Unless I find that you're an asshole.
65modman ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 15:26:22 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I would be the god of daydreaming. People need their little mental respites.
God of realizing there's piss on my pants when I walk out of the bathroom.
dmn2e ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 16:21:43 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I would be the God of Gravity. "Mom, why do things fall down?" "Because of Dmn2e, son." Gravity is really powerful stuff, but I think it would slide under the radar of the bigger gods because they take it for granted.
Our diety, who art replayable, hallowed be thy game.
Thy console come, thy respawn be done. In game, as it is in Heaven.
Give us this day our extra lives, and forgive us of our cheat codes, as we forgive those who use cheats against us.
Lead us not into hacking, but deliver us from campers.
[deleted] ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 19:39:18 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The Goddess of accidentally saying fucked up shit. If you please me I'll keep from saying that, if you don't I'll ensure you say everything you're thinking.
I may have been known as the serial killer in highschool.
Goddess of the perfect witty response, however I am very lazy so will probably only bless you with this knowledge way after you finish said conversation
Seal3824 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 00:22:03 on September 10, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The god of awkward conversations. Pray to me, and you shall avoid them, ignore me and you will be cursed with always being drawn into awkward conversations for a fortnight.
Goddess of getting a seat alone on a bus. If you're respectful of me, no strangers will sit next to you even on a crowded bus. If you anger me, a stranger with boundary issues will sit next to you the entire bus ride and you'll have to feel their leg next to your leg while they talk loudly on the phone, or dance along to music on their headphones, therefore jostling you constantly.
Eucharism ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 05:52:45 on September 11, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Making paperclip necklaces.
lorak627 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 06:02:44 on September 11, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of the no wipe. If I did not receive your prayers, I would curse you with the longest, dirtiest wiping session ever, even when you thought you'd be done, you'd still have another half dozen at least. I would literally break your will into having to shower it would be so bad. If I had receive proper tribute, you wouldn't even reach for that TP.
The God of Civic Disinterest. My domain is that moment several seconds after reading about a terrible event in the news when your brain shifts from "oh that's awful, someone should do something" to "dear lord my cat is adorable."
Ra'men. May the sauce of a thousand ripe tomatoes be poured onto you and you never want for another meatball.
[deleted] ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 12:02:57 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
[deleted]
Codoro ยท 15 points ยท Posted at 12:46:38 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Sorry, that one's taken.
Rivuzu ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 12:47:22 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The God of forgotten Lego pieces hidden on the floor.
softhack ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 12:05:40 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of Dank Memes
MrModius ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 23:51:26 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Dank Rare Pepe
Amanoo ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 19:35:24 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I'll be known as Anoius, the god of Things That Stick in Drawers, and I'm praised by rattling a drawer and crying "How can it close on the damned thing but not open with it? Who bought this? Do we ever use it?". I'm also responsible for Things Down The Backs of Sofas. Praise and prayers to me will be guaranteed, and as such, I'll slowly but surely get more powerful, as more people become my followers/get things stuck.
And I totally didn't steal an already existent idea and genderbend it.
I am the goddess of hoodies. Please me and you shall bathe in my comfortable warmth. Anger me and you shall be cursed with uneven strings for all eternity.
The God of getting startled by inane things like toasters or a kid running by you really close when you weren't expecting it. Pray to me and you are safe from these situations. Fail to pray and I'll make a bird fly by you and freak you out in a public place so everyone stares and wonders what the fuck is wrong with you.
I would be the god of making coffee because you know Thor and Odin wouldn't want to go raiding without a godly cup of coffee to have before battle
mkh31097 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 21:39:41 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of your food temprature. Ever had your food just a bit colder than it should. Or hot but not enough so as you're eating you know that at some point it will turn cold and tasteless? worship me and i'll fix that.
I'd choose the God of the Commute. See traffic part before you when you are running late. Watch as the slower cars move out of the fast lanes. Be amazed as people learn how to merge correctly.
WHY is there not one of these yet? Mine would be simple but awesome. I'm the God of Explosions! I have one question and one question only! Explosions? "insert massive fireball here"
nos145 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 22:32:38 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The god of sneezes. It would be great to be able to make someone sneeze whenever i want. Its so suttle but so annoying and dangerous in some situations.
JezzaN1 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 23:32:27 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
i would be the god of those inevitable few droplets of piss that always seem to dribble out after you tuck your old fella away, no matter how vigorously you shake it. ( อกยฐ อส อกยฐ)
The god of Wi-Fi. You're paying for the best connection but why is it still messing up? Disconnections? Lag? Can't connect? You didn't pay your tithe.
cpc730 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 23:50:07 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The God of things that fall out of gym short pockets without you noticing.
aarovski ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 23:50:24 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I am the God of That Thing Where You're Just About To Sneeze
But Then Your Friend is All "Hey, what's up?"
And You Suddenly Freeze
But Then You Still Have That Nose Tingle
It's A Horrible Tease
And You're Like "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK!"
m30w7h ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 23:50:47 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I am the Goddess of smooth check-ins and check-outs at dining and hotel facilities.
Next time you don't get double conditioner instead of shampoo you'll know I was there. :3
Good of good poops. You know those two or three times a year that you sit down and all your shit just falls out. Then when you go to wipe there is nothing there. 30 seconds from pants down to flush.
If you're thinking to yourself "This is pretty common for me". Well, you're welcome.
Unless you chant "umpa chicka doom-doom, keep my finger out the boom-boom" just before wiping, your finger will push through the paper on the first wipe.
I would be the god of minor injuries at inconvenient times. Have to give a presentation in front of a bunch of people? Oh you are so going to wake up with a slightly scratchy throat. Wanted to do nothing but play video games on your day off? Guess what, paper cuts! Trying to impress a girl by joining her jogging routine? Your ass is gonna stub a toe so badly you'll walk with a hobble for two days.
God of customers dialing the wrong extension when there is a clearly worded greeting on a phone system.
Whenever a customer goes through 9 more prompts than they need to and end up reaching an obscure department such as R&D instead of billing(even though it was the first prompt on the greeting) I will be there.
When a customer just yells "I want to talk to a human" and hits 0 impatiently I will be there.
When someone goes through 5 telephone prompts ends up in one department even though they had someones direct extension and could have dialed it only to be transferred to them by someone I will be there.
Gum-chewing. I would make sad people cheew gum where the flavor never wears off. If you park like a d-bag, you gum will get hard and tasteless really quick.
I am Treviart, God of the Silencer. I hush those students who are talking about mundane, inane things during important lectures, note discussion, and those trying to talk about instructions they didn't hear or don't understand (so they talk to the person next to them) during test-taking.
mrkabin ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 14:26:01 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I am the god of phone battery charge. Some days, if I am feeling benevolent, I will allow your phone to run all day, others, you will look down at 9:42 in the morning and see 17% remaining.
Down to 3%? Entreat me to allow you the power to post this one last Instagram pic!
The god of petty justice, be rude to the barista, you drop your coffee.
Timmain ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 14:32:22 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of Coffee-Making. I already inhabit that position in the PANTHEON OF WORK! but I'd be happy to take over that spot in a more over-arching world-view.
minor inconveniences. Red lights lasting slightly longer than seems fair, long lines at the coffee shop, stuck behind slow walkers in a narrow hallway. the little things that take away from your day.
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 14:42:29 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Proper tribute ensures you'll be able to remember anyone's name after just one meeting. Fail me and you'll never remember the name of that guy you've seen literally everyday for the past year. You can only reverse the effects if you say my name three times... hope you can remember it.
I am there boosting your signal in the middle of nowhere and stretching just far enough to the bathroom for a shit. I am also the one who cuts service when your wasted.
God of potholes. Heed my greatness, or drive in New York!
iSo_Cold ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 14:45:56 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Cha-ching. Ancient God of found fortune. That 5 dollars you forgot was in your pants? Me. That crumpled up 10spot you found in the ground? Me. That coupon that totally made lunch happen that the clerk didn't have to tell you about? Mine again.
All you have to do is call my name when you find fortune, and my blessings will continue to flow.
So I bless thy first chalice of Java in this fortuitous morn; and in doing so, command you, from this point until dusk, to be imbued with the holy caffeine and remember the assistance in waking that I have bestowed upon you.
God of turn signals. Those who use them get open lanes. Those who don't merge into each other.
robbdire ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 14:46:56 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I would be the deity of caffeine. You praise me anytime you consume caffeine.
I require no sacrifice, it is my pleasure to make sure your work day proceeds with caffeine. And I absolutely insist that you are willing to sacrifice caffeine to the deity of tech support so they may bless you with working tech.
I'd be the God of Things that Stick in the Drawer and Make it Impossible to Open. How many times have you had that happen and not say, "God damn it!" I'd get the most prayers of all the Gods, on the fast track to the top!
Along with Cardea, goddess of the hinge, and Forculus, god of thresholds, I will be god of drawers.
mrhidea ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 14:49:42 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of peeling plastic protective coating off of house hold appliances. Worshipers will be blessed with a bound of assorted plastics to peel to their satisfaction.
Spaghetti. I will out last every God in the pantheon. To be praised as a monster of irony in the 21st century.
USMCnerd ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 14:56:37 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Has anyone said "fat blunts and dank memes"? If not I call it!
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 14:57:49 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of toe stubbing. Pay tribute or feel my wrath.
gunmedic ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 14:58:09 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Easy. God of Driver's Licenses!
After the drive in to work this morning, and two back to back emergency calls (Ambulance medic and I'm driving a new guy around all day) I would love to have been striking dumbasses with lightning bolts all morning.
I would be the god of the cold side of the pillow! One night a year if I am feeling particularly happy the pillow will remain cool regardless of the side!
I would try to make random events that follow a perfectly normal distribution pattern seem less streaky. For example, no more guessing wrong/losing 6-7 times in a row on a pure 50/50, or if a missing object could be in one of 8 spots then make sure you find it by the 5th place you look instead of so often being the last or second last possible place.
Bomba82 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:01:30 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Filing. I hate when shit is misfiled.
Or toothpaste caps. The should always be put back on/closed.
Drawers. We need a god who punishes people who don't put things in the correct drawers.
Hand washing.
Maybe I need to take my anxiety medication about now...
They call me Youesbee. I am the God of making sure that it you must flip your USB device thrice before it properly fits. This makes you stronger in the long run.
Getlit_Flobert - the God of Incompetent Co-Workers. Pray to me to reduce the level of incompetence in your fellow co-workers. Those who please me will have only minor inconveniences that just make them shake their heads and lol. Those who anger me will have double duty to pick up the slack, WITHOUT OVERTIME COMPENSATION!!!
The God of Lost Electronics. You may not think you need me now, but when you've been searching for the remote for like 20 minutes, you'll be on your knees.
God of tabletop RPGs and European style board games. Utter unto me your prayers if you are in need of a group, but be not salty if said group is playing 4th edition D&D, for I am not discriminatory in system (although may the 4e developers suffer a million campaigns of their own game).
Allisade ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:05:51 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of the Lost - Mostly I deal in keys, socks and memories of what you were about to do when you entered that room.
On the plus side however, I'm eternally young (from all those lost childhoods) and all my work is pretty much done for me (from all those lost man hours). People tend to believe me (I get a lot of lost trust) and I'm likable enough (so many lost loves...) but I mostly get cursed instead of worshiped. If it wasn't for all the lost faith in the world, I'd probably have lost myself long ago.
I try to be a kind god as much as I can though, I really really dislike it when people get seriously upset - when someone loses their shit... well, the job kinda stinks.
Sorry, the good jokes continue on and are never really lost so my humor is almost entirely forgettable.
On that note though - eventually I learn pretty much every successfully kept secret, so that's cool.
Less useful but kind of impressive in sheer volume is that I'm where lands, cultures, stories, histories, and the like end up... but only after all the other gods are done with them. You can't really do much with it, but at least I have a realm.
All in all I'd love to be one of the big time, but that race was run long ago - and I lost.
The God of short-term forgiveness and luck loans. Feeling down because you're a bad person? Want to make a change but not commit to it? Really need help on that one exam but it feels like the other gods aren't listening?
Pray to me! I'll give you baseline forgiveness for any sin and a confidence boost without actually committing divine intervention!
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:06:22 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
It's an entry level position, but there is significant growth potential. iPhone battery getting low? I'm your guy. Laptop out of juice in an important meeting? I'm your guy.
Infinite battery is the new bottomless fish basket, and with the right marketing guy I'd have more followers than Christ in a week. Then I'll cut a deal with tesla for the divine battery technology, kill the petrol industry in the Middle East bringing about world peace and stopping global warming.
Mt. Olympus needs destabilizing innovation, and I'm the guy for the job.
God of coffee, I can control the temperature of the worlds coffee.
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:09:53 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of peaceful silence. That brief moment where you just feel calm with a hint of bliss in the relative silence of the world, thank me and pay me homage of a thousand tortured souls.
I am cogentorange, god of parking spaces, settler of petty parking disputes! Mortals erect garbage shrines in my honor to defend their unowned parking spot.
Parking spaces & traffic lights. Want a nice shaded spot near the entrance? Better use your turn signal correctly every time or you will anger Red the patron god of parking spaces. Need to get to work on time? Drive the speed limit all the way, not more nor less mind you, and Red the traffic light god will give you green lights more often than not.
dbreeck ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:11:34 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of good bandwidth. I giveth and I taketh away. ...You may also know me by my present avatars, Charter and Time Warner.
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:12:56 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I am the god of the Pleasant Shower. If you praise me I will remind you to turn the shower handle to warm before turning it on. Spite me, and the handle will be turned all the way to cold when you turn it on and receive my WRATH!
God of avocados. Worship me and you shall have a perfectly ripe avocado every single time.
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:13:10 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The God of Lost Passwords. Although the facilities are there to easily reset them, people will always give me silent prayer ever time they need to enter one.
Coffee. My followers will be legion. My factions diverse and passionate and will fight for their chosen expresso over pumpkinspice soy latte. My places of worship will never empty and soon I shall be the greatest god of all...Ka'Feen.
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:14:02 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The god of q-tips. Every time you had an ear itch you couldn't scratch and you just happened to find a q-tip and relieve it, that was me. You're welcome.
God of texting and autocorrect. I'd be a trickster god. Feel your phone vibrate in your pocket but no message? That's me. Try to send a message only to have to last word autocorrect to something that totally changes the meaning? Me again...
vatioo ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:16:58 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of netflix and chill.
Guess I would try to take on loki for the thore of god of deceiving later.
Whenever noone is looking, your casually thrown piece of thrash will hit four different things,making comical 'ting' noises as it hits them, before landing squarely in the bin.
Whenever you drop your controller, you'll spin 90 degrees and noscope a dude 400 meters away.
Some 14 year old will be skating on his driveway when the ball his little brother is playing with rolls in front of his wheels. He'll try to jump over it and this will be the one and only time he does a kick flip.
You'll hear prayers to me whenever you just looked away. "Bro, did you see that?"
bugsroy ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:19:28 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I want to be the goddess of well maintained footwear.
"Thy boots have been thrice resoled. Make an offering at my alter lest they wear out again."
God of Pizza Deliveries!
I protect those deliervy boys who worship me and curse the others with robbers and shitty tips!
Patrons of pizza who say my name as they open the box are rewarded with fast service and extra toppings!
Bow before my Mundane control!!!!!!
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:19:56 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of super fast internet, guaranteed to have a stock increase in the near future
Bitch, you better start praying if you don't want to get fucked over later.
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:20:37 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The god of Reddit, I take the form of a notebook with every page filled with dickbutts and troll faces. Pray to me and I will plaster a dickbutt on the family member of your choosing... In permanent marker.
dfnkt ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:20:40 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of proper toilet paper roll placement, it goes over the top or you get smited.
tana-ryu ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:21:05 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)*
The goddess of lost and found. Lost your wallet, pacifier, shoes, phone, etc? I will help you find them. I do not however find socks lost in the washer, not my turf. I also don't find keys. Displease me and I will let you find what you were missing but only after you have replaced it.
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:21:50 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The god of left-handed scissors. Even lefties tend to give up on them and switch to the standard right-handed kind. So how much work could it be?
"...and thou art now the God of Spreadsheets, and thy duty shall be to aid the engineers and accountants, yea. For thou art the chosen of number-crunchers..."
Deity of drink mixers, assistant to whoever is in charge of the actual alcohol.
One day I will flood the world with the most superior citrus fruit. Maybe literally.
Gromby ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:24:25 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Rush Hour Traffic - Pray to me and I shall control when you get to work, if you make your appointment on time, or if that truck driving incredibly slow will stay in your lane or switch lanes to allow you to pass
God of Opening Doors - that are not already locked.
Riffler ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:29:41 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
In Small Gods, Terry Pratchett explains how Gods on the Discworld come into existence, through the spread of belief in a concept.
We already know there are atheists on the Discworld, from earlier in the series.
Therefore on the Discworld, there is a God of Atheists. That's the job I want. Full Godly powers and no responsibility, because as soon as anyone prays to me, they cease being my problem.
I am the toilet paper god. Pray to me when you have already done business and just noticed an empty role next to you. I will make sure your assholes are clean.
dendawg ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:30:08 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of smiting trolls.
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:30:10 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
A little garden. I'll call it Eden.
Divernon ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:30:12 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I want to be the god that doesn't have anything better to do but wreak havoc whenever anyone spills salt and doesn't take the time to toss a pinch of it over their shoulder. There's gonna be hell to pay.
God of goose bumps. It's your lover's touch, a bead of sweat slowly making its way down your back, memories that come from a song from your childhood...
maskey87 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:30:17 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The god of stubbing your toe and saying 'fuck'. Every time you do so simply scream 'GOD-FUCKING-DAMMIT' to receive my everlasting blessing. Acceptable variants include 'aaaaah mother fucker', 'fucking fuck' and 'who put that fucking sofa there'.
"I am kind to My children, and endeavour to grace their sleep with comfort and warmth. Should thine sheets grow rough and coarse, I shall soften their grasp. Should the nights grow dark and cold, I shall warm the blankets upon thy prone form. May thine sleep be calm and pleasant. Tempt not my anger by failing to clean thy bedding when it is needed, or I shall turn my gaze from thee, and thy sleep shall become frigid and restless."
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:32:23 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of Car-Handle-Static. Fear my slight shock! Fear it!!
panaz ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:32:40 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The god of Mulligans.
Went to talk to a girl and fucked it up? Do a quick prayer and BAM back to where you were when you started. No one knows what happened in that last few minutes/whatever defined time.
I'd become the God of Answering AskReddit Questions.
GregPond ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:32:53 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Gregicus, the God of Soup and Stew: and lo, he desendith and said: don't give me that "I can't cook" crap! It's three steps and you can be hammered for at least two of them!
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:32:56 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I am the god of TITS AND WINE
ElLocoS ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:32:57 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I would be the god of PING. PRAISE ME OR YOUR PING WILL FOREVER BE HIGH!
-ogre- ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:33:04 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of loud alarm clocks
Amierra ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:33:06 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Goddess of Coffee. Pray to me bitches, pray as you suck down that glorious black caffeinated substance and perhaps I will grant you energy to get your day going. Or maybe I'll make you poop. Or, maybe, just maybe, I'll do both.
God of mechanical pencil graphite. Give your praise to me, or I shall withdraw my blessing of structural integrity from your writing instrument's refillable material.
Tsuyoi ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:34:30 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of masturbation.
I watch you as you masturbate. Pray to me or I shall give you rugburn.
Hey_Gus ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:34:37 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Cool and splatter-free toilet seats. A quick prayer to me will ensure an unoccupied, cool and fresh toilet seat when you have to shit in a public/shared restroom.
tglems ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:34:42 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I'd be the Goddess of Fingernails. They're small, but annoying when something goes wrong, and everybody has them. I'd get a lot of petitions, a lot of offerings, and possibly a lot of shrines & loyal followers in the world's nail salons.
This would enable me to move up to Goddess of Hands.
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:35:09 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I am DCETMOTEP! God/Goddess of Cell Phone Charging. I hoped the world together 5v at a time.
But only Android. iPhone charging is one of the dark arts.
Zsus, god of the snooze button. Pray to me and I'll give you momentary peace, but you won't really be any more rested than before, and now you don't have time to work out like you intended and you might have to settle for toast instead of a real breakfast.
Etherius ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:35:56 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I'll be God of making bladder pangs go away so you can enjoy another ten minutes of sleep before getting out of the warm bed into the cold air.
Computers. You now have to pray to me or else your computer won't work!
DFP_ ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:37:21 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of Latency,
Gamers would worship me and curse my name yes, but my biggest altars would come from the stock market. The traders would offer me everything, I'd suck in rich believers faster than Scientology.
I'm already pretty good at gas station cuisine. I often do wilderness landscape photography at night so there's nothing open for dinner on the way home except gas stations next to the interstate. Everybody sing with me - "cheese sticks, baked chips, nuts, and Coke - healthy road food is no joke!"
May your orders always qualify, regardless of total cost, weight, or destination. May you always receive your products on time and undamaged. If you really appease me, I'll make sure your package gets there early and there will be a smiley drawn on the box.
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:38:35 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I would be the god of charlie horses.
willsyum ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:38:56 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I would be the god of pencil sharpening. You know all those times when your perfectly sharpened lead breaks in the sharpener? Yeah, either you pissed me off, or I'm messing with you for my own amusement
You know when your trying to get a nibble of slushy chopped Ice, in the bottom of the cup and instead get the whole pile in your face? I'd be the god of that. That, and Snow-cones.
I will be D'Ta'chr, the god of balls stuck to your thighs. Make me offers and I will make them spontaneously unstick. Ignore me and you will be forced to give that one long awkward side-step to get unstuck. If you displease me enough, more than one.
Sedu ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:40:08 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Minor god of napping, "Demmet." I could spend my time practicing my godly sacrament, while hoovering up all the minor prayers to "God Demmet!" that people utter constantly.
I want to be the god of car accidents. That way I could teach reckless drivers their folly through fender benders. Insurance companies would worship me zealously
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:40:39 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Makin sammitches. If there's one thing television taught me, it's "They all want sammitches."
cwf82 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:40:42 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of Bacon. I have been, and will be, worshipped forever.
Acetius ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:40:46 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of internet latency. Wait, that's the highest tier.
The god of Lighters. My worshippers are the gas station clerks who offer you a lighter when you purchase cigarettes. If I'm pissed off, I'll make sure you left your regular lighter at home so you have to buy one. Please me, and I'll make you remember which drawer you keep putting them in at home, or to look under your car seat to find the ones you've lost.
I'd be the god of making sure the grey bar in a youtube video is loaded enough at the beginning so that the red bar never catches up and causes the video to lag. Praise my name.
Unripe ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:41:29 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of instilling the various tastes of water, of which 'home-water' is invariably the only tolerable one.
God of Nip Slips: when your pert nipple makes itself known, I will discretely revel in the sexual frisson, but not stare too overtly, lest it make you uncomfortable.
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:41:35 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I'll be the patron demon of programmers. I used to be one myself, after all.
Land, thus making me god of the world and other celestial bodies.
redlynz ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:41:52 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)*
Behold! For those I deem worthy and who shall heep praise upon my name. Tis I! Greg of the all green lights! Come unto my alter with offerings of coffee (cream, no sugar) and the collectors edition box set of Game of Thrones, that I may speed your passage to your destination. For I am a mighty God! Risk not my wrath or feel the pain of never ending Reds! Woah is he who takes my name in vain, that he may come into a long yellow that he is sure he can make, only to see a cop at the last moment who he just knows is going to pull him over. Is following me? Is he? Yes he is, for I have sent my minion among you to dispense unequal justice coupled with inherint structural racism.
Should you be in my favor, your transactions with the porcelain throne shall be satisfying and sure, your wipes would be efficient and your flushes mighty.
libgeek ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:42:29 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I am the darkness that makes missed call and text notifications disappear even though your phone was on the whole time and you totally got Jessica's text literally a minute before that.
libgeek ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:44:47 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Also, I'm holding auditions for a twin who will cause my victims' friends to never really believe that they didn't just ignore the text.
God of high-pitched-noises-that-only-your-cats-can-hear-that-drive-them-crazy. I lurk in inkjet printers, laundry room cabinets, and other suspect locations.
I guess I'll become the god of cakes. Any newly single lady will go to me before anything else. Also, most people will pay me a yearly tribute with a candlelight sigil.
yoman632 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:42:56 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Making sure that a tree noise is recorded as it falls in a forest when none is around.
USB drives. Unto my faithful I do bestow the blessing of always putting it right side up the first time. Blasphemers shall never again be able to insert their USB drives, no matter how many times they flip it.
I shall be the goddess of appointment scheduling. If your praises please me, you will be able to schedule your appointments at times that are perfect for your calendar, and you will arrive on time. If you anger me, the only available opening for the next seven months will be the same time as that extremely important thing at work that you cannot miss.
Or maybe you will have an insane amount of problems trying to get to your appointment. Sleep late, car won't start, stuck in traffic, sudden Diarrhea. I can be very unkind. Coffee and good books appease my ire.
I would be Anxietia, Goddess of Worrying Too Much About Everything. If you begin to worry, pray to me and I'll shall erase the anxiety for you. Acceptable devotions would be chocolate and a warm blanket.
I am Gravos! The god of all Gravy and succulent meat juices!
Vexxinic ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:45:01 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The god of electrical cords. Pray to me and you will never need to buy a new phone charger again. Tangled cords? No problem.
sdlite ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:45:02 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Parking lots. I would punish people who wait for spaces and people who walk in the middles of the lots. Those I deemed worthy would always have the space they want.
Anathe ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:45:23 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Latency. Ordinary and mundane, sure, but we'll see who dares invoke my wrath.
God of violating traffic laws when nobody is around.
2 in the morning? look left, right, no cars to be seen? Go through that red light, but you'd better praise me or you're busted!
damourax ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:45:40 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The god of paper ball basketball. If you know the right prayer you'll hit them everytime
rken3824 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:45:41 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of bathroom reading material. If you are in my blessing, you will have full bars and 100% battery. Anger me and there won't be a shampoo bottle or any graffiti!!! MUAHAHAHAHA!!!
dsadnick ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:45:42 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
It would have to be either large shits, or child birth. Everyone yells help me god in those times, I would become a mega hit and soon be promoted to muddle management.
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:45:43 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
if you pray to me mid-poo, a toilet roll will appear outside your bathroom door. i only demand full use of your pantry
gene1113 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:45:43 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I'd like to be the Goddess of Chocolate and ice cream. Piss me off and it's cheap waxy chocolate and freezer burned bad ice cream. Please me and it's good premium chocolate and creamy lovely ice cream.
I want to be the god of sweet, merciful bathroom breaks.
Whether it is your first poop in three days, or you FINALLY found a rest stop to use the bathroom at, I will always know that the sighs of reliefs and the, "Oh, thank god!!" will be said with true sincerity. And isn't that appreciation all that a divine being is asking for?
The Godess of "Oh Yeah" -- I come to you in your most dire conundrums, when you are most perplexed, "Is this a dream or real life," You ask. I come to you just as you close the door and walk away, and right at that moment, the moment the spark has faded, where you've given up all hope of ever recovering, I pounce! You've made it six, maybe seven, steps away and a sudden rush of understanding fills your every cell. You become infinitely more self aware and as soon as the morbid thought of throwing in the towel and becoming a quitter fades as you whirl around to face your foe. There he stands, groaning in silent self reflection. He stands as an edifice to every encounter you've walked away from before. The stone faced lord of the feast makes no apology, takes no sides, simply staring at you, waiting for you to make a mistake. Today is different, today you have me! The Goddess of "Oh Yeah!". Today I gave you back what you have lost, I return to you that precious understanding. Today I remind you it was the Gogurt you wanted, and set you on your merry way. Slurp.
I would be the god of traffic lights. They will immediately sing my praises as I allow them to enter through the eternal light of green... Those who anger me will be swiftly punished with my mighty glowing red fist of justice as I pluck minutes from their unworthy lives.
I will be the god of idiots fighting this, pray to the great Kool-aid man and if I decide to answer your prayers you will successfully go through whatever inanimate object has garnered your displeasure!
I'd be the God of Washing Dishes. You'd have to complete the ritual of organizing to wash correctly, stacking, drying, and putting away. Dish washer or by hand, but the by-handers get special blessings.
Fail to do so and I'll make sure you drop your dinnerware to anger the twin sisters God of Sweeping and Mopping.
Beseech my benevolence and, miraculously, there is a blessed save file from moments before the agents of digital cataclysm struck.
File corrupted?
Invoke my name, reload and, lo, the virginal file is no longer defiled by the vile spirits of entropy.
File deleted?
Chant the litany of retrieval and my holy emissaries delve deep into the netherworld of your hard drive, brave the forgotten sectors of old and return with the sought data.
I would definitely be the god of camping trip preparations. No real twist or idea behind it, it's just kind of my thing to really make sure I have all the lighters, flashlights, trash bags, first aid stuffs and whatnot when I need them. I think my friends are kind of torn between making fun of me and relying on me bringing the equipment.
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:49:44 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
the peach fuzz hair on the left half of your right pinky toe. I'd never have to do shit! I'd would just have fun being immortal and using my god powers to fuck with people
God of "Finding that item you lost while you're heading out the door." I would be a lesser God but worshiped and praised with offerings on par with the greater Gods.
smpl187 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:50:21 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I feel like this Modest Mouse song is a fair answer.
"We'll keep you in the back
Polishing halos, baking manna and gas
Well some guy comes in looking a bit like everyone I ever seen
He moves just like Crisco disco
Breath a hundred percent Listerine
He says looking at something else
But directing everything to me
Every time anyone gets on their knees to pray
Well it makes my telephone ring
And I'll be damned"
-styrofoam boots
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:50:24 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of Remembering Silly Things. Like that time the cat was cleaning itself and it's tongue got stuck out for 20 minutes. Or when you saw that old lady teaching some kids how to jump off a swing.
ixlHD ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:50:25 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of traffic lights, you will always pass through them straight away whilst never being in danger, don't know how but don't question me, the God of traffic lights.
Latte art. You think that swan in your coffee is pretty impressive, until you realise that pouring milk from a jug is actually not a very generalisable skill...
ih8karma ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:51:41 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I would be the god of remembering the chorus of that song you can't remember the name of. I'd assist those who have the idea on the top of their tongue.
But you must sacrifice one pop idol to me every 10 years. They don't have to die, just their careers.
Goddess of the little bit of pink tummy that peaks through the fur on chubby cat/dog bellies when they want tummy rubs. Or Goddess of cats who actually want real tummy rubs instead of two tummy rubs exactly before they bite the shit out of you.
Ruskaya ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:52:17 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I'd be somewhere under Aphrodite as the goddess of the condom. If you are good you will find a condom when you need one. If you are bad you won't. If you are very bad, a condom will be granted and broken...
Bow before me.
eloy0612 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:52:21 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The god of orgasms. If you've been mean to people all day then you don't deserve a good one. If you had a crappy day and you've been good then you deserve the ultimate maximum orgasm.
babylina ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:52:21 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
the goddess of lighters. or pot.
FloppY_ ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:52:23 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Tits and wine.
Sotwob ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:52:29 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I'll be the god of Youtube ads, so I might smite mine enemies with unskippable 30-second ads.
mushnu ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:52:52 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
the god of wireless reception in a remote area. Pray to me, and perhaps that google map will load so you know you missed that interstate a couple of miles ago.
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:53:09 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Finding objects you "just had right here" or "had in you hand a minute ago" or "put down in the table."
Sweeping. It's one of the two, true solitary workforce tasks, no one bothers you for fear of being passed the broom. Not to mention if Zeus shines some light just right, the floors of this pantheon will look clean enough to be a hearty reward.
I want to imagine a situation in which all the other gods don't realize how important the internet is, and I ask to be God of the Internet. I'm thinking they'd all be in the big conference room on Mt. Olympus looking over my application...
"It says Internet, what the fuck does that mean?"
"Oh, well the humans have these boxes they keep on tables, and these little rectangles in their pockets. And these boxes and rectangles talk to each other, using this thing called the internet."
"He wants to be god of boxes and rectangles talking to each other....? Fuck it, application approved"
Datadog3 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:53:35 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The God of 4/20!...............I can puff a thousand hits of THE most powerful weed known to man.....it only makes me stronger:)
byttle ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:53:36 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Pro-Wrestling. then i beat up john cena and revoke his god-hood.
I'd educate the world on how the other gods are phonies. Everyone would stop believing in them, and they'd lose all their power. Yeah, I'd lose mine too, but at that point I'd become something far more powerful: A School District Superintendent.
Zeus would become a measly principal, confined to a lowly elementary school. MUAHHAHAHAHAHAHAA
jeexbit ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:53:37 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I'd be the god of making celebrities shart during interviews. The key is not to over do it. Do it once in a while and people will become desperate for the shart and will pray for the shart to occur.
Zarokima ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:54:13 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I want to be the god of those farts that you're not sure about.
"Is it actually a fart, or do I have to poo a little? Will this one be silent or a trumpet? Please, not-really-that-almighty Zarokima, direct my bowels."
God of Accounting. Worship me, or I will ensure that every trial balance be off, and every PBC document not foot.
hydraink ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:54:16 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The god of tits and wine.
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:54:17 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
i would be the god of traffic. i see myself as an omnipotent god who just sits back watching people cursing at each other during rush hour and i would save kids and kittens from time to time. you know so the plebz keep knowing who the one true god is.
I'd go for the god of Autocorrect. Pray to me or you'll be cursed by your phone always replacing words with the most awkward substitution possible. Me and my good buddy the Goddess of the Drunken Text will wreak havoc across the world if we're not appeased.
carl2k1 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:55:03 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I want to be the God of Gambling. Pray to me so you can win the lottery.
God of Doors. If you don't pray to me you'll always push when it should be pulled, and pull when it should be pushed.
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:55:24 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I would be the goddess of good parking. Worshippers would have a tiny effigy of me on their dashboard, and placing a quarter in my hands would bless them with primo parking.
blewisCU ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:55:27 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The God of Mis-filed FAFSA Forms
Trodamus ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:55:32 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Littering and profanity.
Any time someone drops trash on the ground, it's a sacrificial act in my name; swears become tiny prayers that dedicates every act, from "doing the fucking laundry" to "driving to work with these assholes" to "oh fuck that feels good", to me.
Hand dryers in public restrooms with profanity etched into the nameplate, especially those that have the base text altered to be rude or profane, are my altars.
Gryat ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:55:36 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of those really hard to push out poos - the kind you sort of have to wiggle around, rock back and forth, straighten up, slouch down and sacrifice yet another 5 minute block to me in order to release the turd.
You know, the text message that doesn't seem to go through for some aggravating reason and then the intended recipient messages you back 3 hours later asking why you texted her the same thing 7 times.
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:56:24 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The Guardian of the Heavenly Peach Garden.
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:56:34 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I am the God of farts. More precisely, I make them silent or loud, smelly or not, as you request. The price to pay varies with the intensity of the task, but is usually paid in stains, tire marks, sharts, every culture has a different word for it (we call them break marks where I'm from).
And they may appear hours or even days later, at locations you would have never dreamed of (bedsheets, pair of socks, carpet), so call upon me wisely!
serke ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:57:31 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Umbrellas.
If you please me, you'll always have one, or find one when you need it. If you displease me, any umbrella you own will pop inside-out at the slightest breeze and the ribs will never stay in their tips.
R1kjames ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:57:33 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of traffic. Pray to me to shorten your commute and lengthen those of your enemies!
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:57:33 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The God of You Won't Be Upset By Other Transportation Users
Driving? Pray to me. You won't get upset at the other drivers who cut you off, don't let you in, and don't engage in appropriate blinking. Cyclists who stop at a red light and then go won't send you to a jealous self-righteous rage. Pedestrians who are jaywalking -- you'll naturally smile and wave them across.
Cycling? Perfect! The drivers who should see you but act like they don't won't phase you. The pedestrians who step into the crosswalk from some strange angle without looking -- ha! The city bus giving you the squeeze; you'll wave.
Walking? Excellent. Other peds won't irritate you the way they cut you off, walk too slow, walk too closely, walk too loudly, or heaven forbid, roll. Motorists who make a right on red right in your "Walk" crosswalk will make you smirk like an 80s television show intro. Cyclists whooshing by too close? You'll be amazed, not irate.
Mass transit? Sweet. That lady's stink won't bug you, and that dude's hand -- well, sorry, I can't make crowded space molestation pleasant. Still, the upshot is you won't be irritated by the sudden start and stop, you won't be frustrated by the bus arriving 12 minutes late or 2 minutes early, and you won't be bothered by the person who insists on getting on the trolley before you, then spends tens of seconds finding correct change.
Yip. Praying to me won't make using transit safer, easier, or otherwise better. Annoying shit will still happen to you. But, pray well, and you won't be bothered by the trivial shit that bugs the hell out of everyone else. And really, that's pretty fucking great.
shodan13 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:58:12 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
This is some top shelf material for Nobilis characters.
s0a7 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:58:22 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The God of Cut Grass. Gaze upon my evenly diamond-cut lawn.
I even smell of freshly cut grass. Since that smell is actually the grass crying out in fear, I'm technically the Grassy God of War.
That shit is secure now. Piss me off and you're stuck using and unpatched death trap.
swim12 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:58:32 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I am the god of finding the charging port for your phone in the dark.
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:58:38 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I AM RNG, THE GOD OF RANDOM NUMBERS! BOW BEFORE ME LEST I GET RNGRY
bobrocks ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:58:52 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I am BOB, The god of making sure your shoelaces don't get too tight or too loose and keeping the tongue of your shoe from going inside the shoe when you are putting it on.
limbodog ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:59:03 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of common colds and flus. You leave little gifts outside your house for me to agree to pass by without stopping where you live.
It's already been agreed upon amongst my group of friends. I am the mighty and imposing God of Pedantry.
When there is a need to be specifically correct or not let small details about certain subjects my presence is guaranteed. My power is limitless and my reach eternal. I truly am a God of God's.
skrupa15 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:59:16 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The god of highway driving etiquette. Going 10 below the speed limit in the left lane? Semi decides to pass another semi just as they are about to go up a hill? Prepare to be smote.
staiano ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:59:16 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
As my name suggests, I will be the God of Guitars!
TheD_ ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:59:31 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The God of rush hour traffic. I don't wanna be the god of transportation - too much responsibility, but fuck with me, and its an extra 15 minutes each way. Pray to me and you somehow get green lights only on your commute.
God of the remembrance and forgetting of that thing you were about to say. Holy shit would that be fun; I could make you feel like an idiot and really frustrate you, or I could make you feel like you're on you're A game.
I'd like to be the God of frivolous lawsuits, and collect a cosmic percentage anyone prayed to me then won their case.
xtlou ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:00:55 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I am Flotsam, the Goddess of the Junk Drawer. I don't work for any of the Gods but I've been contracted via St Anthony's temp agency.
Smite me and your finger webbing shall discover an errant corn cob skewer while rummaging in search of the neighbor's spare key, you'll never have the correct size battery, and the spare cables for your devices will always be intertwined.
Praise will always yield the exact delivery menu you're looking for, the perfectly sized rubber band for your task, and the drawer will always open and close without being hindered by contents.
TheLaugh ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:00:57 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of Remembering your House Key Before You Leave the House
I will be the god of rage quits, sippy cups, flashlights being called torches and not flashlights, asymmetrical scabbing, a lists of things that really don't fall into any logical pattern.
The god of the stone cold cherry. No matter how much butane powered flame you force into it, the roach will not light. Pray to me and that 1/4 inch ball of inflammability will finally glow red.
I would be a merciless God. Price for not praying to me? Your spoons melt when liquid touches them. Your forks are suddenly made of feeble, bendy rubber. You're knife edge becomes so thick it struggles to even cut through butter. Your plate disappears, your bowls all become colanders. Eating becomes hell.
Sonendo ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:02:13 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
You know when youre driving and approaching an intersection and the light turns yellow but you're a bit too far away to make it so you either stop or gun it? Id be the god of that.
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:03:21 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The god of sleep paralysis. A minor deity, entry-level content editor for Hypnos, god of sleep's dream aggregator site. I'm the guy who edits and posts creepy-pasta and my supervisor is Phobetor, god of nightmares, who only got the position because his father is Hypnos. (Nepotism, much?)
Piss me off and I'll send my horrors to keep you pinned to the bed with that unnerving feeling that something is watching you.
Or send that dark figure to materialize out of your direct view so that it appears in the corner of your eye while you lie there helplessly wondering if that thing will be your end.
No use praying to me. Instead, write good creepy-pasta for me to leech off of for Hypnos' site. It's the source of my powers.
Dinner time meals.
Think about all the people who thank 'you God' for the meal they're about to eat.
It's my department, ergo, by default, those thanks are mine.
The god of thinking about the possibilities of alternate universes and timelines. Just thinking about it. You ever think about what it would be like to live in a world with Pokemon or in Star Wars. That's my field.
The God of postmen. I work under Hermes and I work to make sure your package is delivered at the most convenient time for you and safely unless you piss me off.
The god of the last bit of toilet roll. Prayers would be sincere.
karbacca ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:04:05 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I will be God of the pencil sharpeners! Pray to me and next time you sharpen a pencil it will actually be sharp all around with no little bit of wood still on one side. Also, if you pray extra hard, the tip will not fall out of the led right away.
mmmmpork ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:04:06 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
USB plugs.
Pray to me for first time fitment
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:04:17 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I shall be the Goddess of Leftovers. Is that pasta you brought home from that Italian place with the delicious breadsticks still edible a week later? Pray and it shall be! Did I eat the last bit of bacon? I don't remember. Pray and you shall find the last slice buried in the back of the fridge, ready for your egg sandwich!
On the other hand, I like the idea of being a god intern. I shall be the intern goddess to Dionysus, the Goddess of After Party Cleanups! Pray that your douchey friend didn't vomit all over the place and the cleaning supplies are fully stocked!
God of the bass drop. Pray to me and the bass shall drop at exactly the right moment and your life will be a small amount better.
Profane me and you'll get polka music. Unless you like polka, then it's John Cage.
You can call me Oontz3. The 3 is silent.
jonewer ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:05:25 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of wifi. Sacrifice your virgin daughter unto me or your connection will drop for no apparent reason and not come back for 93 minutes on a Sunday afternoon.
God of parking. If you're in such a rush that you are speeding, not use your indicator, and cutting people off, I'm gonna be there to make sure you don't get a car space.
bitsy88 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:05:51 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Static electricity. Make me happy and you will always have a static shock to scare your cat or shock your friends. Anger me and so help me, your hair will never lay flat and every time your nipple gets close to metal, it'll get shocked!
kasubot ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:05:58 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I'd like to be the patron god of bathroom attendants. They need someone to listen when the guy in stall 6 lets loose, and damnit, I'm never going to be so old that poop jokes aren't funny.
patshwin ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:07:12 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The God of Social Media Upvotes.
I'd have a small but ever-growing base of fanatical followers.
Traffic lights. I know someone's running late so I change the light to red just to fuck with them.
gaatar ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:08:24 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of pocket change. For having the exact amount you need to get a coffee, or finding loonies/1$ bills on the ground when you don't want spend your own money on pick-me-up chocolate bars. However if I'm upset with you you'll be one quarter short at the laundro-mat.
Pinstar ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:08:37 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I am the amber gambler, god of luck and chance... at least when it comes to yellow traffic lights. When your light is green but you are really far down the road, I shall be your Shepard as you are the last car to cross the street before the unholy red demon of wasted time and gas appears. If you arrive with the demon already in power, I shall appear to the other direction of traffic, soon luring the demon away so the green way forward is shown...but only to my faithful.
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:08:38 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I would be the God of entry level positions people everywhere would pray to me for that one shot of being the best suited guy/gal at age 20 with 30 years experience
PDK01 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:09:26 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Every blowjob you give will be finished with a complete and total sucking of every last cum drop. No more finishing a blowjob and seeing that last drop pearl up, ruining your enjoyment of a job thoroughly completed.
Additionally, there will be no cum splatters or drips when swallowing. In my eternal generosity, I will not apply my boons to creampies. Everyone loves that shit messy.
I'll be the god of that thing when you're just about to sneeze but then you friend is all "hey what's up?" and you suddenly freeze, but then you still have that nose tingle it's a horrible tease, and you're like "FUUUUUUUUUUUUCK!!!!!!!!!".
yeah, i'll be the god of that
cs_tiger ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:09:54 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
the allmighty lesser god of shoe laces.
if you sacrifice stuff for my pleasure they wont open itself anymore.
God of the quick screen change. Click on that NSFW link at work and the boss is about to walk past you? Pray to me while internally cursing your browser for being so slow and I will quickly change your screen to look like you're working on that memo. Furiously pressing the home button on your phone to hide who just texted you while with your SO? Pray to me and you'll be greeted by your home screen immediately.
But for those who do not worship me, you shall be cursed to the tenth generation of your family with pages that automatically play annoying ads/videos at full volume!
I shall be known as Chelaezae, God of the egg. Specifically, I have a fetish for soft boiled eggs, and only by sacrificing a few from each batch will the rest peel properly.
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:10:36 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of finding the small item you could've sworn you put somewhere and then magically disappears when you return. I'd be responsible for making them disappear as well as returning them if I receive enough tribute.
Call me the Reddgod. Pray to me and I'll make sure that those reddit posts ideas that you think are incredibly awesome end up getting just enough upvotes and comments to make you feel good about it but not enough to reach front page.
God of not filming random people in public, just because they are doing something ''cute'' or ''funny''. I would moonlight as the god of the frozen food isle. I would try and cheer some of those poor bastards up.
I would want to enter as the patron god of college students and last minute fudgery. Bullshiticus. Sitting on his golden futon tended by caffiena and Thesaurea. Since I'd be enter level and that sounds like second step I'd be below, god of Google, just when all hope is lost I have Google give you that perfect obscure article that even your professor has never seen and allows your fudgery to succeed. Gooticus I shall be.
"step on a crack, break your mothers back" I would oversee this rant and protect all the mothers who are good from breaking their back, while condemning the bad mothers' backs
I chose to be God of the British weather, rather mundane, but an important job. It is my duty to make sure we Brits have enough to talk/complain about to get through the day
I want to be the god of locked doors. It's so mundane, people do it all the time, and yet also so powerful. When someone irks me, I "accidentally" lock them in, or out. Or maybe unlock a door so a mother discovers her son jerking off to the discovery channel. That would be fun.
The patron God of leads. USB, VGA, HDMI, those weird proprietary power connectors etc with never be tangled and always plugged in right the first time if you worship me. Accepted offerings include beer.
giraz ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:15:45 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of panicking while ordering food
Mewand1 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:15:48 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Brewing a pot of coffee. Not coffee itself and all that goes into it; I'm not ready for that level of commitment, but just if you don't want the coffee you brew first thing in the morning to taste like ass, you had better offer me some reverence.
pogue23 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:16:58 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The god of overcooking or undercooking, prayed to everytime someone makes toast, spaghetti, brownies, etc. I'm one of those duality gods.
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:16:59 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
clp2012 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:17:07 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I'd be the god of making sure people actually stand on the right on the effing escalators! (mildly enraged Londoner here!)
aquib99 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:17:07 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of tits and wine
helpnxt ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:17:12 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of Typos I am a vengeful God who will wait till the message is just the right subject to the right recipient just to make you look pervy/weird/terrible
purdu ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:17:17 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I'd be the god of perfectly cooked pizza rolls. Crispy, none of this soft shit you uncultured heathens
The god of undecidability, where you curse the God of opportunities and always wish you made the other choice. I would be a dastardly bastard God who delivers alternatives only to have you generate more via combination. The God of halting or dimensional/complexity framing would be my enemy. One to ones be damned! I would be a less diety of Spinoza or Cardinality.
If that is not mundane enough. I would be the God of cold spots in the microwave, where the turn table just is not enough to get an equal vibrational excitation of water within your leftovers and the manufacturing could not afford to move around the microwave gun or offset the microwave anodes and nodes.(It's possible it is just a thick meal too)
If that is too mean, then I would be the God of pleasant leftovers, where scallop potatoes and chilli taste better the next day and coconut oil rice is better for you.
dgnarus ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:17:25 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The God of public transportation.
If you don't pray for me, your train will always be late. And I can tell you right now, nobody in Holland prays for me...
The god of standing in line. I would help rule over the balance of how long you stand in line and how enjoyable of an experience you have when standing in line. And maybe every one in a while I might get bored and open up a new line just as you walk past it. Who knows you might just find a dollar while standing line or see the love of your life, you'll never know.
I'd take the God of Office Supplies. When your stapler mysteriously runs out of staples, your ballpoints run dry, and your ream turns out to contain 500 sheets of paper with a crumpled corner, I'm your man God.
Click your empty staplers, rattle your empty pens, throw your shredded paper in the air and cry:
"Oh my God, why does this always happen every fucking Monday?"
and I will hear your prayers. I may or may not have time to get around to helping, that depends on the quality of your obeisance.
I am the god of inconsequential things going right on the first try. Your key slides straight into the keyhole without touching the edges? Toss your hat and it lands neatly on the hat rack? You're welcome
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:18:08 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Box god. God of boxes.
izzgo ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:24:07 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Pandora got that one already
Jaereth ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:18:11 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of The Female Locker Room
Kwangone ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:18:17 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Language. One minute you understand things just fine, and the nwxhjjfbdkkxbbf xhhdkksbbfi jjsllfhhejk.
See.. it may not be a pretty business, it may not be the most prestigious. But I bet each and everyone of us has at one time prayed to please make it to a toilet in time. And that's exactly my job then.
I'd have plenty of followers very soon and with that apply for higher job positions in the pantheon.
I will be the god of chopping lines of blow/whathaveyou. Should you pray to me while you undertake this task, I will make sure there are no rocks and that the drip is merciful.
God of homework loads. Sacrifice thine student planners unto me, and thou shalt be rewarded with at least an hour of free time.
dst55y33 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:19:25 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of masturbation, no question.
Psykerr ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:19:31 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
RedgreenRED, God of Traffic Lights. No greater power to wield.
ssuasw ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:19:36 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The God of remembering mundane things..
like where u left your keys... or what u were supposed to pick up from the supermarket or.. what time you were supposed to pick up your kids. The little things everyone seems to forget.
The God of soccer mom's and parents everywhere... All hail lord Sauron! (yes Sauron)
Satisfying scratches. You got an itch that you need to scratch and then by the glory of god you got it scratched in just the right way? Pause be to me, I am the minor god of the satisfying scratch.
TylaGee ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:21:35 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Call me Cannabisatindicaburn. God of Cannabis. You must sacrifice all the marijuanas by fire. But if one shall neglect to properly dump the remains of the sacrifice once it is fully burnt. And fails to spread the word of this cashed sacrifice. They shall be punished with death.
I'll be that guy you pray to to keep the traffic lights green
narayans ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:22:37 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I will be the god of paying bills and settling dues. Yes, now you have the money and you have various tools at your disposal to do your thing, but you forget. Not anymore. One small prayer and all your outstanding dues will come to your mind in threes. Finish them and you shall receive three-more.
Your credit score will soar and your relationships will ripen; i will attract the jealousy and ire of other gods, and this will make me fit for the seldom liked middle management.
izzgo ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:22:37 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
chocolate
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:22:38 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I would be the God of "ordering things in line without holding everything up and being a dumbass". People who queue properly and know what they want when they order would have my blessing - protecting them from getting the wrong order or their steak coming out over cooked, etc.
I'd take over for Phil, Prince of Insufficient Light
I would continue to punish people for small crimes by "darning them to heck" with the "pitch-spoon."
Crimes punishable would include using copier paper for the printer, stealing a chair from another cubicle, and finishing off the last coffee from the coffee maker without making another pot, not putting the toilet seat down, parking to close to the line, and other annoyances, etc.
Punishments will remain annoying rather than tormenting. Like being forced to sit at a secretary's desk and be teased by coworkers, or being forced to sit among the accountants at lunchtime and listen to their boring conversations, or "using the spoon" on a person.
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:22:52 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The god of masturbation because then at least one god doesn't frown on it!
aer351 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:22:56 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I would be part of the HR department or Godly Resources I guess. Which would basically make me the Stop harassing Aphrodite department.
Those knots that are really hard to untie, and then you tug a little bit and it all comes loose. As one who fights with shoelaces, yarn, rigging rope, and hospital IVs, there should be a god for this.
I'll be god of the drunks, pray to me and I will be sure to make you fall asleep face down on that couch in that frat house after you drank that bottle of cheap vodka, so you don't choke on your puke and die in your sleep.
Cheniarg ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:24:07 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I'd like to be in the Spelling and Grammar department. Apostrophe Deity sounds like a good entry-level position. You know, illuminating the faithful and changing "your" to "you're" in their heads before they post it online or send a text message. That kind of thing.
m_0g ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:24:18 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of semicolons - display ample devotion and you can be assured that you won't encounter any semicolon related compile errors.
XZYoda12 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:26:43 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The God of Reddit. Now worship your God with ONLY FALSE IDOLS OF REDDIT GOLD.
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:24:25 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of minor technical annoyances. The god of mischief felt this stuff was beneath him so its basically subcontracted out. My job to corrupt your backups right before a disaster recovery scenario, to give you confusing error messages, paper jams, and a power outage when you have been working on a document for 6 hours and haven't saved yet.
Dionysus and I are pretty good buds.
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:24:35 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of Banana Ripening
Because my fucking bananas go from green to brown, skipping yellow, so I KNOW the position is vacant.
niccig ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:24:40 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Using turn signals. People who don't use them when turning and/or changing lanes will be punished.
The God of that thing where you're just about to sneeze but your friend is all like what's up and you suddenly freeze but you've still got that nose tingle and it's a horrible tease.
The god of starting things such as chainsaws, lawnmowers, weed-eaters, generators on the first pull of the cord.
Szzntnss ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:25:02 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I would likely be the God of Sleep Deprivation. Pray to me or risk having your caffeine fail you at the most inopportune time as you slowly nod off when you should be working.
I'd be the asshole assistant of Chronos, god of time. I would be the one who makes time slow down an hour before you can leave for work/school, so it feels like it takes forever.
Flatulence. If your an asshole I can make you shit your self in the worst time frame ex Hilery Clinton mid debate if she ever does with Bernie. Your a cool nerd and you lucked out with a ten I'll stop that oral sex fart for your homie!
Goddess of the common sense.
You see someone being stupid?
I throw a force of air just strong enough to whisper "Stop, hammertime!" In their ear and they dance like an idiot insteas of acting like one! Send me your idiots and I shall smite them.
lmc4 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:25:28 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of open Wi-Fi when you're in a new place and low on data. I'm the one you thank for the coffee shop down the street with really strong signal that pops up when you need it most.
Know how your printer has good days and bad days and the more you swear at it the worse it works, but the IT comes by says a few nice words and it magically works?
Yeah, that shit would be my doing! Want to print your thesis? Tough shit! I want a compliment and a dinosaur sticker!
I want to be the god of Bureaucracy. I imagine it'd turn out similar to the Vogons.
cracktr0 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:26:36 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Can I be the god of compression shorts?
belunos ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:26:36 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Sports wins. I may actually get prayed to more than the major gods!
Dalvyn ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:26:36 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of things bought but never used. Pray to me to get the motivation to finally read that book, or play that game that's been sitting in your Steam library.
God of Crushed Ice - making sure that all of the fridge door ice dispensers always dispense the crushed ice in a timely, effective, and consistent manner that doesn't involve your freezer door bumping around like you're holding back the minions of hell.
siberian ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:27:01 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Chargus - Minor Deity of the battery power meter. I am responsible for making sure that your devices accurately reflect their current power status. If you do not properly honor me I will make your power meter unreliable.
Proper sacrifice means continued knowledge of your power status.
While minor, this position will allow me to grow my control and power over ALL INFORMATION and muscle my way to the top in a few hundred years.
I will be Buffirious the god of Buffering and Mid-video Advertisements. Pray to me an
d your video might not buffer. Don't and ill make sure you have unskipable ads.
I am become Gyrion, god of bicycle maintenance. Getting ready for a ride? Call upon me. Forgot to readjust your derailleur after it slipped the other day? Curse my name and weep, mortal. Made it through a century ride without a single flat? I have caused my face to smile upon you, chosen one.
Jimbozu ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:27:34 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
USB superposition. I want to make sure you always have to try 3 times to get a USB connector plugged in.
Dear savior of the brew.
I roast my beans for me and for you.
Whether it be drip or press,
Let no drop hit my dress.
Save me from burns
And further caffeine yearns.
Lastly let this single source Ethiopian blend
Cause my resting bitch face to end.
xavyre ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:27:40 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of chocolate. At least half the world's population will pray to me routinely.
Hollimium, God of Hole. I rule all holes, i make them bigger and smaller; I will create them and obliterate them; both organic or not. If it has hole in the word or shapes such as, I control thy.
Perhaps you were born to love a whore? I make her next-to-virgin. Perhaps NASA seen Interstellar and wishes for more grasp and reacho of our Universe, CABLAMMOOO, whormhole. Perhaps you have an enemy and perhaps such person could lay their boulls over an important metting, or simple just cease to have breathing capacities, who knows? WHO DO YOU CALL? Ghostb...no, God
of Holes! Perhaps the rich have enought petroleum...maybe?
God of Hole is love, God of Hole is both death and life.
I can make the world hole again.
Id like to be the god of awkward moments. Like when two people run out of conversation.......yeah i made that happen. just sitting in the background laughing at it all.
God of hangovers! Every single 'goddam, what happened last night' will be another prayer in my pocket. Gimme a week and I'll be arm wrestling Thor for a piece of that sweet thunder action.
HeckfyEx ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:28:43 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Taxes.
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:28:44 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I would become the god of boredom, I will be the reason you are bored and have nothing to do because you don't feel like doing it and even when you do something you enjoy you are still bored because it's that kind of boredom.
kutznutz ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:29:08 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Twerkules
The god of jiggly butts
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:29:09 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of autocorrect. Before sending a message, pray to me and hopefully I won't auto correct something that you don't want auto corrected into something else.
Can I be Snackses, goddess of snacks? I really enjoy snacks, they are vastly better than meals.
bagel55 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:29:43 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I'd be the one who takes the really annoying plastic packages off of products
palad ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:29:52 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The Three Fingered god, who helps you to end task on crashed programs.
lsmucker ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:29:58 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I want to be the god of random scrapes and brusies. When you get that one scratch, but you can't remember how it happened when someone askes you about it, that's from me.
Whilst many fear my wrath and observe the holy days with mutterings and imbibings of holy caffeine, the true believer understands that I am a benevolent deity who in fact makes every other day seem that much brighter in comparison.
My might is such that before each holy day we cease work to celebrate for two whole days, with much rejoicing.
I will be the God of Nod. Every silent gesture of the noggin in modern American non-verbal communication shall be my domain. Praise be unto those who lift, bend, and tilt, for they maketh The Way.
The god of dry swimsuits. If you are good and take care of your swimsuit may you have them dry quickly. But be an asshole to your swimwear and forever smell the stain of mildew!
80Eight ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:31:53 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I'd like to be the mischievous trickster god of variable Internet speeds.
When a page is suddenly loading slower than usual, or Netflix has to re-buffer; people would pray to me or rub their me-idol to speed it up. There would be an emoticon for me on Twitch streams, which would be spammed every time a stream starts lagging out.
When a download finishes much more quickly than someone thought it would, they would praise me.
I would be the most divisive, worshipped, and beseeched minor deity ever. It would be awesome.
I will be the god of minor forgetfulness. You know when you get up and walk to another room for a reason, but as soon as you get into said room you have no idea why you went in there in the first place. That was me. My wife is the goddess of remembering why you wanted to go to the other room as soon as you sit back down. We hang out a lot.
Cebu1a ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:32:08 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Usb connections, pray it right the first time.
Quazijoe ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:32:12 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I am the god of Spell Check. Every time you see a red squiggle under your words, you experience my divine grace.
I do not do grammar though. That is Olga.
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:32:16 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of Clothing.
I'll be the most fabulous motherfucker in the realm of the gods.
bidurpls ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:32:51 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of downvoting comments only in the case of genuinely not contributing to the thread. All the nice little boys and girls that don't treat it as a disagree button will get treats and candies; those that use it as a disagree button don't get jack.
battery's you pray to me that your battery's don't go flat at the worst moment... they still do.. im a lazy god
CTU ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:33:24 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The god of spoilers...you know piss me off and you get spoiled as who dies next in the book tou are reading, or hear how that story ends as you just get into it...please me and never accidentilly catch any spoiler.
I want to be the God of making sure that when you drop toast it lands butter side down, and all such related drops. So when you drop it and it lands with the buttered side up, you have to thank ME!
GodleyX ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:33:35 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The God of toilet paper. All unfit , inadequate, 1 ply TPs will be smited down by me.
Office supplies.
I can summon tape at will- or I can make pens disappear.
I can water bend white-out
And I am given a small nod during back to school shopping
Perhaps a small fringe of devotees set up an altar in Target
I am the god of indecision....I guess, unless that one is taken then I would be the god of something else maybe.
Murda6 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:33:50 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of keeping that Chipotle line moving.
5hadrach ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:33:51 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I would like to be the God of Buttered Toast with the power to decide which way the toast will fall, Butter side up or BUTTER SIDE DOWN.
idgarad ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:34:19 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The Random Number God for the praise I get from the Rogue-like players shall elevate me far above the rest of the pantheon!
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:34:28 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Hair ties/bobby pins. Humans are always losing that shit.
Women and long-haired men in my good graces will be eternally grateful when the hair tie is where they left it the night before and a 10 pack actually lasts them longer than 2 weeks.
KaMiAm ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:34:30 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of restaurant and food lines. When I'm good, you're good. But if crossed, everyone has a bad time.
I would be both the bane and savior of millions. Discs will be shattered in my name , controllers will be whipped unto walls. Cries of "Oh baby a triple!" will ring from my halls of worship, and my followers will sip from the cup of eternal 360noscopes.
Asmor ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:34:40 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of procrastinating but still getting shit done at the last minute.
opticon ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:34:40 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I would be the god of Cereal, intern to the Lord of Harvests.
Gain my favor and I will protect the crunchiness of your breakfast, even in milk.
Never spill or drip from your spoon and your bowl will always be full of drinkable milk, not polluted with cereal dust and mush.
Anger me and face my wrath, as I cause you to pour OJ over your cereal instead of into the glass.
Profane my temple with water instead of milk (or milk substitute) and I will smite the marshmallows from your Lucky Charms and leave you with bland, flavorless carboardy bits.
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:34:50 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Cell phone reception. You don't pray to me, good luck getting that text out!
zhaoz ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:35:11 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I would be god of bureaucracy / paperwork.
You would pray to make sure that whatever government / DMV / tax form that you are filling out will be processed without exception and with an acceptable amount of delay. I wont give you no delay... there are limits on entry level gods you know!
Our zhaoz, who is in pantheon,
your policies and procedures be followed,
on earth as it is in Washington DC.
Give us our minimum acceptable bureaucratic delay,
and forgive us of our typos
as we forgive the wrong forms of others.
And lead us not into creating forms in duplicate,
but instead in triplicate as outlined in appendix A and B.
For the kingdom of drudgery, mindlessness, and TPS reports are > yours,
now and forever, Amen.
God of that moment when you do that awesome thing that you think no one sees, and then you look around and someone DID and they're like "WHAHHHHH no one could do that twice!"
Pretty soon I would just keep having one person see me do something awesome at a time as the biggest combination of little victories known to planet Earth.
I'd be the god of playing with your phone while sitting on the toilet. My power would be to alter time and allow for time pass more slowly inside the bathroom so that no one knew you actually finished 20 minutes ago. To everyone else it was a respectable 5 min dump.
God of tripping over the piece of carpet that's slightly higher than the rest of it
SusonoO ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:37:07 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I shall be the God of Cravings. Anytime you get those weird, late night Cravings you can't explain, simply drop me a prayer and I got your back. Wake up at 3am with a dried out mouth and craving a cool sip of water, simply say the words and you'll find a bottle of water on your nightstand that is somehow still colder then room temp yet not cold enough to fully wake you up. Seriously wanting a hot cheese pizza around 11? Remember that you have leftover pizza in the fridge that heats up to the perfect temp on the first try, and doesn't become so soggy that it flops about like a limp dick.
Anger me however, and feel the full force of my displeasure. That bottle of water, becomes lukewarm, and only has enough left in it for half a mouthful, not enough to fully wet your mouth yet enough to leave you craving more. That pizza becomes hard as a rock once you remove it from the microwave/toaster over
I accept offerings in the form of late night Nacho deliveries, Ice cold bottles of Mtn.Dew and other sodas when I open my fridge, having the exact amount of change when buying something cheap, and pictures/videos of kittens doing silly and adorable things.
I am the god of Stubbed Toes! You know when you stub your yoe and say "God Damn it!", I'll be there to unleash my wrath on whatever poor inanimate object caused you pain.
Although often great, occasionally I will smite people, causing them to suddenly stop stretching and think, "Oh, is. That hurt a bit, I wonder what that was," only to stretch again.
I am the glorious god of Pancakes. Pray to me to get fluffy, perfectly round, goodness. Call to me for your enemies to have horrible dense chalky breakfast.
I would be Boost, minor Goddess of little bumps of self esteem, atta girls/boys, and damn, I make this look work.
You show your devotion by noticing someone doing well, and telling them about it. Each time the faithful pay it forward and make others feel better they get little shivers of pleasure and my influence grows.
I would be the God of Customer service. I'm responsible for all the good customer service that comes your way if you respect the people who are helping you. But if you are a dick, then you will be in customer service hell!
P.S. I made Time Warner Cable bad for fun to fuck with the mortals.
Airclot ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:38:32 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I would be the God of erasers. If you worship me I will ensure that any time you erase you will leave no dark shade or streaks across the paper. It will always be a clean erase.
I want to be god of that thing where you're about to sneeze, then your bro is like what's up and you suddenly freeze. You still have that nose tingle it's a terrible tease!
I'd be the God of impromptu Beats. Whenever you start tapping your pencil or steering wheel to the beat you will have my blessing and the Beat would be Sweet.
God of blinkers. Thou use thine blinker eagerly and useful, and thou shalt be rewarded so that when you use thine blinker properly, the sea of automobiles shall open for you.
But be fearful if thou dost not use thine blinker, for there shalt forever be an officer waiting for you to not signal, even if you are the only automobile on the road!
I am the God of Windows Reboots. Pray to me fervently enough and whatever software problem you have will be solved by rebooting. Piss me off and I'll give you registry corruption in that reboot.
Odyrus ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:39:57 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of Tampons... then just sit and wait...
Mex-Box ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:39:59 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Misplaciuos... God of misplaced items/furniture.
I move all furniture a few inches from where you are used to it being so you stub your toe and feel uncomfortable on a daily basis.
I also take your phone or wallet out of your pocket and place it on the dresser and vice-versa.
44Tall ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:40:00 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of whether the car door handle slips and pulls a fingernail with it.
pyro57 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:40:01 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The god of throwing trash towards a trash can and missing.
The god of cleaning up my minor drips and spills at the coffee shop on the counter where they keep the sugar and creamer so the staff doesn't have to do it.
Kugel ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:40:09 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
the god of always plugging in your USB correctly on the first try.
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:40:17 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The god of making waffles rise. Start on a beloved food, and it won't be too long until the obese inhabitants of the richest, most powerful nation on earth are throwing out that Jesus hippy and forcing every person on earth to worship you.
Polar87 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:40:23 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I'll be the God of WiFi.
Anger me once and one shall find oneself with connectivity problems while streaming porn videos.
Anger me twice and one shall be calling a contractor to lay down UTP cables.
Proof loyalty to me and raise war on the infidels that worship the Gods of 3- and 4G, and you shall be granted infinite bandwidth in the next life.
Arrow156 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:40:25 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Minor injuries. Stubbed toes, paper cuts, that sort of thing. Within a few eons I would have amassed enough power to do whatever I please.
In like 8th grade we were reading a book on Greek Mythology and had to create a god and a story about said good. I created Haircules the god of hair. And the story was that he pissed off Zeus because he walked in on a girl he liked playing with his hair so he cursed him with dandruff. Snow was him scratching his head and it got worse in the winter because of the dry air. Probably the most clever thing I've ever created.
Kugel ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:40:34 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
the god of finding both socks in a pair when you unload the dryer.
The God of Toiletries. You know those moments when you get done taking a shit and then realize you don't have toilet paper? Yeah, pray and I'll materialize one for you.
The God of Finding out there's no toilet paper but then you find another roll under the sink.
urgaan ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:40:47 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The god of smash brothers, if you call upon me in your tourney of need I can waveshine you to glory and riches. It comes at a cost though, horrible carpal tunnel
Pray to me and you shall not be disconnected after 1 hour waiting to speak to a representative
Worship at my shrines for an amicable customer service rep that actually knows what they are talking about and tells you what they DO know and CAN DO and not what they DON'T KNOW and CAN'T DO
Sacrifice your first born, I shall sabotage all attempts of your enemies from successfully getting anything resolved over the phone.
I'd be the God of self deprecation. Undoubtedly I would be awful.
jia683 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:41:18 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
the god of tasty bacon.
UAFTAP ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:41:21 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God Of "Have I missed the bus? Or is it just late?"
I will send subtle signals to those who are unsure of their public transport. Thus alleviating the needless stress induced by having to figure out if you've missed the bus.
God of picking things up off of the ground with my toes, throwing said things in the air and catching them. Insuring you never need to bend over again ;)
The God of always letting you have one more squeeze of toothpaste if you just roll the tube up a little further. There is always one more squeeze, my child
Note: for children under the age of 8 use a pea-sized amount and supervise brushing
Lucky golf shots - when you're sure it's going wide or in the water but miraculously it lands somewhere helpful. I just want to fuck with people's minds by giving them unexpected happiness.
I am the god of those times you drop something fragile but actually manage to catch it on your foot and feel really badass for a minute. You're welcome.
wHaCkEd2 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:42:02 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
become the god of ordinary mundane everyday things
Your hair gets to a certain length and you want to grow it out just a little more.... But it won't grow past there no matter what you do? That's me.
Trying to get a shirt off the rack at a store and when you pull out the hanger it gets stuck on other shirts and hangers a couple times before you get it out? Me again.
The car is at a comfortable temperature, but you keep adjusting the air vents in your car and can't quite get them to blow exactly where you want them to? Heyooooo! Guess who?
Blessings by yours truly, the goddess of mild inconveniences.
The God of just enough change in your car for a big Mac. Pray to me and your life will be filled with dollar menu goodness! Fail me and that last quarter you need will somehow be cemented down against the cup holder...taunting you.
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:42:28 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I'm the god of traffic lights. Pay homage to me and all the lights in your path will be green.
oddwhun ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:42:30 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of checking your cell phone,prayers to me come in the from of looking at your phone to check for messages, I will be the most honored god of all time.
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:42:51 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I am the God of Running Out of Staples When You Only Need One Staple!
Where is the box of replacement staples that you remember buying at Staples just last week you ask?
I'll never tell!
BA-HA-HA-HA!!!!
jaweeks ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:42:54 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The God of pooping would be a powerful God, pray and sacrifice or you'll suffer from constipation.
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:43:01 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I shall be reborn as the god of burning yourself on food that just got out of the microwave, TREMBLE as my divine heat scorches your supple, mortal hands!
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:43:06 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The God of putting your cart into the corrall at WalMart/Target etc.
DWillows ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:43:07 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of autosaving. I back up all online data and game data every few minutes. Offer me a daily prayer or I might just "forget" to autosave your things the next time there's a power outage.
pralfer ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:43:07 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I would be the god of remembering that one mortifying thing you said or did in 4th grade or whatever. When the memory come back unexpectedly, you must curse under your breath or utter some other excited vocalization as a prayer to me so I will remove the awkward embarrassed feeling from you and you can continue your bland existence.
The God of knowing when it's a fart or something more. Appease me and you'll never have to worry about sharts again. Piss me off and every fart is risky, even those little harmless ones.
dsetech ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:45:12 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The internet.
Shiby92 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:45:13 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of that lost toe nail clipping
upboat_ ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:45:14 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of the Traffic Lights. BOW BEFORE ME MERE COMMUTERS!
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:45:30 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of petting your dog when I see you walk by. Every dog needs a good head scratch and I don't really mind.
Merikia ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:45:32 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of fast food.
Pray and tithe well and your orders will always be complete and without error. Doubt and you shall receive no cheese with your cheeseburger, and fries will be stale.
I'd be the God of bumping your gas needle up after you've turned your car off so that the "you need to fill her up" light goes off, and you feel pleasantly surprised when you get back into your car.
I would be the God of drivers and dependency resolution. When you go to install a new piece of hardware, or to deploy some software, you would make an offering of interns. In return, I would ensure that your computer system was able to actually locate the correct driver online, or that your software dependencies would resolve quietly in the background.
Appease me and I shall allow you to relieve your intestinal discomfort in a business meeting with nary a scent or a sound. Ignore me and I shall drop random squeakers or flutterbusts upon your most intimate moments. Irritate me and your proudest moments will be riddled with sharting.
The god of the button, clasp, and buckle. Women would make offerings and prayers that tight clothing would stay in place, and overweight people would pray that buttons don't burst. Young men would pray for the failure of buttons and clasps. "Oh great god of securing, please release Mary's ample bosom from the confines of her bra so that I might partake of her Visage. " Even after all other gods had faded away, I would remain relevant.
The god of wanting to do something today, but deciding fuck it and sleeping an extra six hours so you don't decide to take a swan dive off your balcony onto the concrete below.
God of the green turn light. Upon prayer... I can hold it so that the car in front of you makes it, but you have to wait for the yellow light to make your turn...but you still make it.
as an aside...if the guy behind you is also a believer..you get bumped up to green signal.
Thus..my legion of followers will balloon as it catches on.
However, I have an older evil step brother who is the god of distracted drivers. If someone going the other way prays to him, someone won't go when it his his turn and the prayer chain will be broken.
I would be the God of headphones/ earphones and the wires that cometh from them. praise me, and you shall be graced with audio fidelity the likes of which no person has ever known, and you wires will never catch on anything again. Cross me, and every song you play in public will be either loud enough to annoy the public or quiet enough that you will never even hear your favourite songs. And for the truly despicable, every wire of every headphone you buy will be tangled beyond all recognition, and you wont ever be able to find the knot that ties them all together. the more you struggle, the greater the mess, and you will rue the day you crossed me and understand why they name hurricanes after men, and planets after Gods.
Goddess of the 5 second rule. When that was the last piece of bread you made into toast and the butter on it was just perfect. You dropped it! Pray for 5 seconds.
ImrePohl ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:48:38 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I would be the god of commuter etiquette, this would cover trains, buses etc.
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:48:43 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of Sleep - Worship me and you'll actually feel better rested with much less sleep time. Waking up won't feel like a chore, and I'll increase the number of people that pull all nighters and then sleep only a couple hours.
MagicSPA ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:49:09 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Lottery win distribution.
Syrinth ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:49:10 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The God of Unnecessary Guilt.
Remember how you didn't say thank you to the waitress yesterday? She probably hates you.
You didn't pet your last cat as often as you maybe should have, are you sure she knew just how much you loved her?
I am the god of tangled ear buds. You put them in your pocket for just a minute, and pull them out looking like a super-advanced level boy scout knot challenge.
I would be either the god who causes the perfect song to come on when cruising in the car or the god who decides, in that split second after dropping your phone, whether you miraculously catch it or it shatters on the ground.
wgszpieg ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:49:48 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of what other film did I see that actor in?
McPhilen ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:50:00 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of when getting to the end of a cereal box, make all the little crumbs and pieces that end up at the bottom become whole again.
I am quite sure the position is open because I have actually looked for a God of Transport at one time for work and there is none in the Greek mythology. I would have sacrificed a lot on that occasion...
So I would be a God for all the freight forwarders and customs brokerage agents out there. In less than 48hrs, I would get more virgins than I would know what to do with.
blotsfan ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:50:37 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I'll be the God of disabling notifications from appearing when you accidentally like your crush's Facebook photo from 3 years ago. I can be a very powerful ally.
Churn ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:50:40 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I'd be the god of tits,.. no wine!... um.. ok tits or wine will do.
-Tyrian's shower thoughts
superkp ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:50:42 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The goddess of transitional part time employment that doesn't pay enough to live on and was really meant to be done by teenagers because really, anybody could do it.
Then I get my degree in alchemy and get promoted to goddess of typing and filing and website and social media updates, which might pan out into a middle management goddess position someday if I really lean in.
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:51:15 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I'd be the God of the smell you get just before it starts raining. No worship means that gets replaced with the smell of old people.
Bigmada ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:51:16 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I would be the goddess of finding stuff you've misplaced. I would have so much power over everyone.
Rytoast ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:51:20 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Bow before Rytoast God of the traffic lights. Fear not my mortal followers the light shall not turn while you stay in my eternal gaze... But the heathens who curse my name shall be damned to an eternity of red lights and almost making the yellow.
I will be the God of taxes. I will forever and always know all the tax code and it's loopholes.
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:51:30 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of Reddit
Mortals pray using my name to not receive downvotes and I shall decide if they deserve it or not. Miracles are called Gold and very few of you deserve it.
Amilo159 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:51:40 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I'll be the God of traffic.
Be a good follower and give your prayers and I'll perhaps make sure to always keep whatever lane you're in, moving steadily.
Tyrulz ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:51:43 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I'd be the God Of Pretending You Forgot Something So You Pretend To Check Your Pockets Before You Suddenly Change Directions While Walking Down The Street So It Looks Like You're Changing Directions For A Good Reason And Not Just Because You're Walking The Wrong Way.
God of that thing where two midgets roll themselves up in butcher paper and light their hair on fire while you suck on their toes
I AM STEFON, GOD OF THE HUMAN DOOBIE.
Xiaxs ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:52:29 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I will be the god of random ass thoughts that pop into your head. You know when you leave for vacation and think "did I leave the water running"? That was me. And yes, you did. Or really any question on /r/askreddit, /r/askscience, etc. I CONTROL YOU ALL!!!
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:52:36 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I would be the god of cuddling cats. Be in my favor and cats will be kind lineant and cuddly. Be out of my favor and no cat will cuddle you and if You try violence will be had. Fear me and love for I am capricious you may be in favor one minute and not the other.
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:53:01 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of Friends in Low Places. Ever been to a karaoke bar and someone sang that song? Like every time? I did that. Blame it all on my boots...
my2yuan ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:53:13 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of Witty Retort. Worship me and behold the humiliation of your enemies and the admiring laughter of your colleagues in the presence of your lightning wit. Anger me and be frozen in mind and mouth at the moment of most opportune, left to ponder the what ifs of your unspoken remark forever and ever and evermore.
Stiegurt ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:53:21 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Behold, the god of wanking, I secretly decide what you wank to, how long and if can cum and how much. You don't too be on my bad side, I will make you not being able to get an erection when you are older. Better pop some of those viagra pills.
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:53:33 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of Teeth. Or maybe like good 4g reception or something, but I'm really holding out for the teeth thing.
The God of gardens that don't get the amount of attention they need because the owner is too busy. They only have to spend a few minutes on praying to me and their gardener is hired! Unless you are lazy, in that case I'm telling Zeus on you.
ITT: All the shittiest things in life have Deities now.
EHoruto ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:53:55 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The god of sudden memory-recollection. Anyone within my grace would have the ability to remember something forgotten immediately, but only if it was forgotten within a few minutes of the attempted recollection.
No longer would people walk into a room with intent, but then be unable to recall why they are there. No more will you lose the car keys "you literally just had."
I will be the god of Make the Yellow Light Last Just Long Enough To Make It Through This Light Cycle. If you sacrifice to me you will get that long yellow you need to make it wherever you're going on time.
I shall be Corto, Goddess of Scissors. Just as your junk drawer scissors go missing just as you need them, I too will never be around when you need me. Instead, I will always show up, shortly after you've ripped a hole in your new shirt, had to use nail clippers to get the half inch zip tie removed, or chipped a tooth. And sometimes with my three sisters: Remotey, KeyKey, and Denero.
I'd be the God Of Looking Back At The Ground After You Stumble As Though You Tripped On Some Unseen Uneven Sidewalk To Cover For The Fact That You Actually Just Stumbled Because You're A Clumsy Fuck And There Wasn't Anything For You To Trip On.
harrick ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:54:58 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The Goddess of warm cozy blankets and warm cozy socks. Women will call out my name in ecstasy. Men will praise me in gratitude every time they avoid the iceberg feet of hell being warmed up on their body.
I would be the god of Customer service. sacrifice me to kill off the middle old age hags!!!
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:56:13 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Couch coins.
McWave ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:56:22 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I would be the God of bacon grease. I'd be a fickle God, that would have to power to offer you the greatness of bacon, or the pain oh hot bacon fat popping out of the pan. "And lo I say unto you my children, burn not ye bacon for the god of my grease is strong."
I shall be the God of lost keys, pray to me and you shall suddenly remember where you threw/placed them. Forsake me and your couch will hold more than just lost change til the end of time. Muahahaha
Did you pick the line with only two people that looks really fast to you? NOPE. The lady in front is paying by check and wants to redeem a coupon that requires the manager to go to the back to verify.
I would be God of the Department of Motor Vehicles. Despite being an entry-level god position requiring no god experience, i would hold powerful sway over even the most successful and powerful gods every single time they needed to renew their license and registrations.
I would be "the God of That Thing Where You're Just About To Sneeze But Then Your Friend is All "Hey, what's up?"And You Suddenly Freeze But Then You Still Have That Nose Tingle It's A Horrible Tease And You're Like "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK!!""
Hair growth. I could strike you with baldness and give women beards or, if I'm in a good mood, give you a great hair day and make your hair grow in all the right places.
3226 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:00:14 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The god of sign errors.
When you're doing a complicated maths problem, and somewhere along the way you drop a minus or don't change it when you shift something from one side of the equation to the other, and you end up with the wrong answer...
Fairly unimportant, but you'd get prayed to a lot by worried students.
Keltaith ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:00:17 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I'd be the god of ISPs. If you're in my grace Google Fiber will come to your area.
If I really hate you Google Fiber will come to your area and skip your block. You'll be in the land of perpetual Comcast.
I'd roadie for KISS and the God of Thunder and be the God the girls prayed to hoping their "encounters" didn't leave them with the herp... Aka - the God of Blister.
Belching.
It brings relief, satisfaction, humor, and can be the source of honorable contest.
It is also frequent and natural, ensuring my persistent if mediocre power.
The god of a properly made pot of coffee, for I am the creator of some gourmet shit. Anger me, and my vengeance shall have your whole office bitchy and cranky.
Goddess of dog poop. May your dog's stool always be firm, fit into one bag, and only happen once per walk.
Unless you cross me. Then your dog will have runny stool, and the person whose yard he pooped in will be outside, watching you struggle to pick it all up.
God of the extra mile. When your low fuel light comes on and the gas station is pretty far away,pray to me and I will get you one more mile. No more, no less.
Giving a shit about the work you do on a daily basis. My blessings would include:
good luck/carma in personal relationships
Forgiveness of running late a couple times each year
And pay increases and/or job opportunities to keep my practitioners from working below the poverty line. :-D
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:01:47 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Summoners Rift
Fwipp ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:01:47 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I am Fwipp, God of silly usernames.
I inspire people to be creative, because your new identity at least needs to be catchy. Sure, add another T. Feel good about yourself. It's got to mean something... right?
Don't just add 3422 to the end, or I'll end up becoming 'god of this username is already taken'. Or worse. God of 'this password isn't secure enough'.
I would be the god of Online Window-Shopping. For example, I would try and deal with the Rent and Gas gods for you to actually buy something every once in a while.
The God of passwords, pray to me and you'll remember it correctly before you get locked out. Piss me off, you'll never figure out where you put the capital letter.
I'd be the God of Bacon. All bacon produced must first pass through my digestion system and I will take offerings of bacon rinds and any fat accumulated at the bottom of the grill/pan/plate etc.
Believe in me and I will guarantee thick slices of golden brown bacon. Defy me and I'll induce a stroke.
cjluthy ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:02:47 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Goddess of Household Budgeting. Appease me and your paychecks will last you through the month. Cross me and you'll come up short for your bills and live in a perpetual state of late payments.
I accept sacrifices of cash and/or credit. No personal checks.
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:03:01 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The god of cell signals where there should be none
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:03:03 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Behold, I am God of getting high on your own supply.
I would be God of tabloids papers. Sit there make fun of people, photo shop women to look fat, and talk about pointless shit. Just to entertain people in grocery store lines.
The god of staleness. Worship me by sealing your chips/bread/cookies/etc and I'll reward you with fresh food. Anger me by only folding the chip bag once and using the shitty fridge magnet clip and I'll smite your chips so fast.
Vinven ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:04:26 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Writing thesis statements. Because I already do this enough to feel like Sisyphus.
Sojoez ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:04:47 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of pooping!
Indigestion? Hemorrhoids? Diarrhea? Food poisoning? Just give me a quick prayer and you will have the best shit possible. No more groaning at a truck stop or sweating at a friends house. It will be over quick, painlessly, and relatively odor free.
Even gods would worship me.
Got the idea last night when I spend a few agonizing hours on the toilet due to food poisoning.
I'd be the God of Meeting Friendly Dogs on the Street. You're having a bad day? BOOM next corner you turn, you'll cross paths with a dogwalker and their happy pack of pups.
I would probably be the Left Lane/Fast Lane of the Highway, God. I would move those ignorant fucks, I mean, vehicles out of passing lane, against their will, so that all faster moving traffic would be able to move forward.
The God of mentioning Breaking Bad in conversation, I am Heisengod. When you feel it necessary to bring up BB, I am the one who talks! My arch nemesis, Hades as you will, is the God of The Wire. A respectful foe, but as his followers die off, I will prevail. This is not meth, this is science bitch. I am the one who visits your Mom in Alburqueue. And fuck Skyler. Also, Flynn is a way better name than Walter JR. You may praise me by rewatching scenes on YouTube and purchasing character bobble heads at your nearest comic con. You shall also adorn the walls of your college dorm room with many a Breaking Bad poster. Say my name!
Stenchr ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:05:04 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Being the god of vapor/steam sounds nice and relaxed. Everyone who vapes would pray to me haha.
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:05:08 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of accidentally kicking your cat across the room
Sacrifice your pain and sweat to me and I will bless you with dope traps. I require a regular sacrifice of shoulder shrugs, time, and effort, all in my temple: the gym.
YakMan2 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:05:42 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
"Entry level pantheon position, 3 years of minor deity experience required."
I would be Dysforiรกvola, the god of awkward discomfort.
My handiwork is evident in wicker furniture that creaks laboriously the moment you put your last 5 lbs of weight onto it, shirts that are just ever so slightly too tight around the stomach even though the shoulders are absolutely perfect, showers that have one clogged nozzle that sprays everywhere and a temperature knob that only ever goes between "too hot" and "too cold", and of course, empty pauses in conversation. Every once in a while, I like to make the whole room go silent right as someone tells the last line of a racist joke, or mentions an embarrassing medical condition.
God of the traffic light. Pray to me and you will never even sniff a yellow on your way to work in the morning
cosmoski ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:08:12 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Grocery Shopping. The number one prayer: "Dear Grocery Shopping God, please let me choose the fastest checkout line."
cosmoski ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:08:26 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
or: "Dear Grocery Shopping god, please let me get through this trip without an awkward conversation with someone whose name I forgot."
Caridor ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:08:29 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of that thing that's on the tip of your tongue but you can't quite remember the name of.
Give unto me your prayers and the gift of knowledge shall be pushed out of the back and into the front of your mind! Forsake your worship of me and you shall be punished by having it bug the crap out of you all day!
Sekolah ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:08:35 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I would be the God of Yoga Pants, behold my gifts for butts so divine.
I will be the god of "I don't care", if you pray to me, when you ask your wife where she wants to eat and says I don't care, she will actually mean it!
God of awkward silence during conversation. Worship me, and you won't have to worry about me.
Kyzzyxx ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:09:34 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of Gods.
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:09:34 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I'll be the god of unnecessary paperwork. If you're not in my favor, the DMV will not accept your two forms of ID, and your TPS report will never have the correct cover sheet.
I would be the god of signal power. When you give your devotion to me you shall have slightly better coverage then other people on any devices which use radio signals, like radios, cell phones, etc.
May your laces never come Untied when you don't want them to, and always be at the perfect level of tightness.
xTuna74x ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:12:31 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I think you guys are forgetting an important detail, this entry level position requires 2-3 years of pervious god experience, you absolutly must uave worked with godtech 3.0 for at least 1 of those 3 years, and a masters in godology is prefered. Now if you meet all those requirements the gods will gladly let you interview, but once you get to the interview you'll find out that you only get the salary of a demigod. Yeah thats right you're being offered the exact same wage as Hercules, nevermind that you are far more qualified then some half mortal and that masters program actually puts you're education above zeus himself. So yeah their yah go
TL;DR i would be the god of shitty job requirements
avee10 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:12:37 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
the fuรbol gott
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:12:41 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I would become the god of "I hope I'm/she's not pregnant". The sheer amount of fervor with which my subjects pray will increase my powers exponentially. I would then use my increased might to subjugate lesser domains such as "This milk will still be good even though it's well passed it's sell-by date" and "please let this test only cover the section I read". I will then climb my way through the ranks of the divine, gaining followers and favor until I finally have enough power to encroach on the Greek and Egyptians pantheons, and all folk dieties. Finally I will March on the halls of Valhalla, and just like... chill there and get wasted.
puloko ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:12:45 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
the god of the pebbles that randomly end up in your shoes
I would be the god who decides whether your fart will smell and whether or not it will make a noise. Appease me and you will never have to worry about holding one in while sneezing, cross me and feel the wrath of my sharts.
amacdvt ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:13:22 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of Sporting Outcomes
I get to decide which way last second plays in sporting events play out. But for all sports, which means I have to watch lots of drunk softball leagues.
These are the cats that are Cheetahs. They aren't "big cats" (Panthera) or "small cats" (Felis), they are in their own super cool group. Cheetahs are the only non-extinct animal in this genus (small amount of things to keep up with, but big area to prove myself).
I was umder the impression that Acinonyx was more unique but agter going to Wikipedia it looks like there's more genuses that I thought of cats and others may also be the only in their genus. Since I already knew this about Cheetahs I'm a good candidate.
I'd work in the office of Regret, child of Memory and Sadness. I'd be the functionary in charge of Remembering Good Things That Are Gone. The only tributes I accept are alcohol-tinged-smiles and wistful sighs.
SnapJ92 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:14:00 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The God of clerical work. I want to watch the going abouts of office business in chaos and quietly chuckle.
God of phone battery life. Have you been an asshole? Looks like your phone is going to die after 30 minutes of web browsing. Did you donate to charity? You can stream video for 48 hours on a single charge.
Time management. When the blessed do some mindless activity while waiting for something, the time will pass quickly and yet they will not be late. While the cursed would always end up with, "I'll read a little reddit before going to bed... What it's 6am?!"
The god of a decent day at work. Pray to me and it will never be too slow or too busy again; all clients will respectfully get what they desire and we shall all return home with a reasonable bounty!
I am Herald of Gentles Breezes that Uplifts Sundress/Skirts. Thank me for the panty shot on a breezy day or curse me if you have been on the receiving end. Hey, it offers good benefits and pays the bills, I mean someones got to do it.
I'll be the god of bacon. (Porkis) if you will. Pray to me and however you like your bacon cooked it will come out perfect. Also the aroma will be as intoxicating as pure ambrosia
I would be the god that every time you recall a useless but upsetting event or a conversation for no reason, from 5 or 10 or 20 years prior - who brings you comfort in knowing that it actually does NOT FUCKING MATTER and you are okay now.
God of correct capitalization, spelling, and formatting in programming code. Only those that can successfully format $h4lp0.gr33n;l34F every time over thousands of lines of code can earn my grace.
Note: make your objects simpler, so you don't have to pull this mess.
The God of toes stubbed on furniture. I shall move your furniture just the right distance for you to stub your toe and as soon as you look I move it back to where it was, you will never escape.
I'll be the god of modern activism. Controlling which hashtag movements thrive and die. Inspiring messages to be written on a piece of paper and taking a photo of it instead of actually discussing one's thoughts and ideas. Having both sides of every issue just boil down to personal insults, threats, and doxing rather than actually engaging each other.
So basically I would just keep the status quo. Because watching how pathetic young activists are today is just too damn amusing.
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:17:33 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The God of Lost Remotes
Can't find your remote? Pray to me and I'll zoom and let you know that it's under your chair. If I do well, soon maybe I'll get promoted to being able to find lost phones as well
Pray to I, and thou shalt never be without WiFi(full bars/strong signal/maximum output for your device). No matter where you're located(other dimensions/planes of existence are negotiable), no matter what material obstructs you/your device, you'll never have to fear not being able to post selfies to social media, play games online with friends, or stream movies!
However, curse me and I'll make sure your devices are nothing more than expensive paper weights. Although, I guess you could always go with another "entity", that will rob you blind because they're the only other one available...
I'm the god of yellow lights. If you find yourself in my favor you'll be granted safe passage through annoying intersections. I am a jealous god and will smite you if you use the turn lane or emergency lane rudely.
I'd take God of conflict mediation. Too many stories about Gods getting jealous and cursing mortals or messin' with each other. I'd step in all the time and de-escalate with a resounding: "Fellow Gods, why can't we all just get along?"
Easy! God of toilet paper. I will provide anything from single ply to triple ply. If you cross me I will make sure the dispenser is jammed or empty. If I'm in a bad mood I'll just give you the stuff that just smears the shit all over your ass.
Misspelling... to change recorded documents of God's I don't like.
Tajjri ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:21:49 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of Network Ratings. I decide whether the top executives will take away the show you love to put on another really shitty show that never panders to your demographic or if it will stay on for another season even though no one in your circle watches or talks about it.
Abadatha ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:21:52 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
ctrl + F. Corgi
No. Ok. I'm the god of Corgis, and I'm so very pleased about it.
I want to be god of road karma. Every time someone cuts someone off dangerously to shave 41.5 seconds off their commute. BANG. Karma. You get stuck behind a cement truck with a driver that isn't quite sure how to use a stick shift. Every time you camp the left lane while pacing the car next to you. BANG. Karma. Jehovah's Witnesses are waiting for you in your driveway blocking your garage and won't leave until you hear their "message".
God of Salt. Those that are salty would pray for their enemies to be inconvenienced slightly or for their own saltiness to dissipate. I would also be the patron deity of the Passive-Aggressive.
Goddess of clean floors. If you walk on it after I mopped on it, you get mop water in your coffee mug. If I notice you go out of your way to walk on freshly mopped floor then you gain office gossip.
The god of blowing noses. I would ensure every nose was squeaky clean afterward with no leftover boogers, snot or tickley hairs.
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:22:30 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The God of masturbation. Men who worship me and warm my favor gain the power of the infinite boner/orgasm. Women who worship me and earn my favor are bestowed the divine dildo of infinite orgasm.
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:23:15 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I would have power over everyone's farts.
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:23:24 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Or I'd be the god of stopping a sneeze that you want to happen.
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:23:28 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The God of traffic jams. Pray to me and if I'm in a good mood your trip or daily commute will be traffic free. Anger me...no seriously...do it and see what happens. You'll grow old and die in your fucking car I swear it.
Powerism ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:23:28 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of Silent Farts
Pray to me and that ripe odor of decaying vegetables will be a mystery to all.
The God of Roll. When you're playing disc golf and your disc hits the ground and starts to roll, I am the one that decides if it will curve towards the hole or away from it. If you really piss me off, I'll make sure it keeps rolling all the way down that hill just past the green
Goddess of heart break and break ups.
Popular among:
- Mistresses/male equivalent
- People who are stuck in a dead end relationship
- People who want a fast recovery after being dumped
- One direction haters
Depends.
Either I will be the benevolent God of Successful Computer Reboots and OS Installations.
Or if you fail to please me I will be the Demon of Crashes aka Ringleader of Death aka Bitch of Sod. The 404 of Life.
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:24:38 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of deleting something off the internet. I am not a merciful god.
bucajack ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:24:44 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The God of Subway Etiquette. I'll make sure people wait until you get off before trying to push past you, give up their seats for the elderly and pregnant, take their backpacks off in crowded trains and generally be nice commuters.
I will be the God of Network Connectivity. You shall call upon me to have a stable, good, or cheap Internet connection (pick 2). I may even bless you with all 3 if the sacrifice merits.
I am the god of email. Whenever you send an email, you ask for my hello to ensure it arrives. If you don't want to receive a certain email, you pray to me and I delete it off the server, letting you use the "never got the email" excuse.
Quaaraaq ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:25:01 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The god of dead batteries, pray to me and you'll get that extra 5 min you need when the charge is on 0%.
Mortals who do not let their tea brew shall be severely punished.
I shall tolerate the various methods of making the tea and the different ways it is consumed.
Now stick the kettle on.
tigs44 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:25:16 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I would be the god of getting the last bit of shampoo out of the bottle. if youre sure there is a few squeezes left, better make sure and send me a prayer in the form of vigorous bottle smacking.
Eponia ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:25:19 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Goddess of the snooze button. Every time some one hits snooze is a tiny prayer to me.
I choose to be Onetee: God of Exact Change- whenever you go to a store and have the exact change, that's my doing. You're welcome. If you appreciate it, then on the days that you don't have exact change and are forced to break a bill, then you can feel free to donate a portion of your change to my shrine (coming soon pending donations).
Duzzeno ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:25:25 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The god of mildly pleasant odors. Worship me and you will be blesses with the scent of cinnamon buns? no not quite that, kind of an earthy, tangy smell? No not quite... its like a combination of the color blue and what you might imagine a brass bell might sound like... except with a hint of lime and the smell of dryer lint.
God of things that stop working even if you don't use them and find out about it at the least convenient time. You know that flashlight in the top junk drawer? Yeah, it doesn't work, you can even put new batteries in it and it still wont work. You'll find out when the power goes out.
Yeah, that condom in your wallet? Its not expired, but it turned to dust last week. You'll find out when Cheryl finally lets you take you walk her home after work.
That last cigarette in the pack? All the goods are going to slip out of the end for no fucking reason at all. Its going to happen at 3 am after a night of hard drinking and you finally got home.
DocDerry ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:28:01 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I want to be the god of impediment. People driving slow in the passing lane. People walking slowly ahead of you in the mall. The god of inconvenience and impediment.
Make me angry? I'll guarantee that when you've gotta go that there will be a long line, the last person will make a mess all over the toilet and also have released a buttacular holocaust against your nasal passages.
JH456 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:28:13 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of printers and fax machines. SPITE ME AND I SHALL CURSE THEE WITH A PAPER JAM. Revere me and your ink cartridges will sometimes be 10% off.
I like one of Terry Pratchett's. Anoia the goddess of things that get stuck in drawers.
obihave ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:28:27 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The god of tits and wine
BdAzMoFo ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:28:50 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of Brooms. I live in a shed in the woods. Carving handles by hand and gathering wild grasses. I have the abilities to start fires and move without leaving traces. I move about the Earth spreading order and I am attracted to Chaos.
You shall call me the God of waiting lines.
If you are in a rush implore and you shall switch lines without seeing your old lanes moving faster than your new one...
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:29:22 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I am R.N.G.esus. any dice roll, or random number generation provided by software or otherwise will be based on my will. R.N.G.esus be praised!
Loosely tied tennis shoes, sandles, flip-flops, even the abominations known as crocs shall stayed firmly attached to your feet so long as you paid me proper devotion of 1 kit-kat a month.
Axoren ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:31:15 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The passage of gas. You don't realize how bad it is when you're holding it in at that meeting, on that date, at that funeral. You're at my mercy when it comes down to it. If you follow the righteous path that I've laid out for you like the winding road of the colon, then you will bear my graces. When constipated, I'll grant you that momentary relief while you continue your battle in the bowels.
But if you are corrupt of heart and weak of diet, I will fill you with my rancid wrath and unleash it ten-fold. I will call down a plague of ridicule and shame, every first impression will be a bad one, and every room will stink of your sins.
After adequate imbibing in my name, all of your drunk messages will have the intended effect.
Wanna tell your manager how much of a douche? All of the sudden he respects your honesty.
Feel like telling that cute girl at work you want to taste her asshole? Turns out she's way into that.
Parking. I already pray to her on a regular basis and she is good to me, oh yes she is, PRAISE BE!
She, in her ultimate wisdom has blessed me with multiple "near the door" spots on crowded days, poop-free parking under trees. Most recently she allowed me parking on the second floor of the parking garage at work, right near the staircase, as opposed to my usual place of worship in the 4th floor ramp.
There are times when I am reminded that I am but a simple mortal, where I must pay penance and walk the 5 minutes to my destination but in those moments I am thankful. I look up to her and thank her for her many pleadings and pray that others less fortunate can see her glory, and that those who see her blessings and squander them may someday feel her wrath.
When your purse gets caught in the doorknob... When you're holding just too many things while trying to unlock your door... When you take a slight misstep on the top step of the stairs to your apartment...
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:33:04 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I am Flipt, the God of that things guys do when changing boxers where you just drop 'em to the floor and then flip them up and catch them in your hand. Make worthy devotions and offerings to me, and ye shall be blessed with that minute feeling of being a total badass. Fail in this charge, and I shall rain upon ye a thousand days of soul-crushing 6AM failures.
The god of undead spirits.. I'd release them all from captivity as their Savior and command them to help me become the President.. then I'd take over DC and destroy the Fed Reserve
I will be the god of the passing lane!
Follow my footsteps, and pray to me and I shall grant you unobstructed passage through the passing lane on any multiple lane road. Your travel will be pleasant, swift, and righteous!
Anger me and I shall smite thou with a pair of drivers going bellow the speed limit! One will accelerate slightly more than their companion, and just as he's about to unblock traffic he will slow down and match speeds with his partner yet again.
Tireseas ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:34:34 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The god of misplaced semicolons, bane of the existence of every programmer and sysadmin on the planet. I would demand sacrifices of the sacred caffeine every morning and the occasional ritual LARTing.
Farts. Y'know, those ones where you get the worst stomach cramps imaginable and there's that chance that it might be just more than a fart coming out when you release. If I'm nice, its just gonna be air. Maybe with a hilarious noise if I'm in a pleasant mood.
But piss me off, and all hell breaks loose. You'd better be wearing brown pants, buddy.
Rasalom ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:34:44 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)*
I am the god of Spicy Buttholes. After you eat spicy food, I remind you of your place in the World. Tough enough to eat the pepper and shed not a tear, surely, but can you handle tomorrow and having no tongue down there?
I'd be the God of not being prepared for a sunny day and getting hit with that mild pain before adjusting. When your response is "Jesus! that's bright" I get a little annoyed and make it mildly more shocking the next time you experience it.
popcar2 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:34:55 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Someone needs to take all of the top comments and make a movie about it set in old greek times, replacing Zeus, Athena, and all that.
I will be the god of when you're looking for a new tv show to watch or book to read and then you vaguely remember hearing somewhere that a certain one was good, yeah - let's check that out. If you displease me, you will be doomed to only watch reruns of NCIS or Friends for all time.
Chaff5 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:36:00 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of the almost dead batteries in your remote control/gaming controller/mouse/keyboard.
Pray to me and I'll let you finish what you're doing before the batteries completely die.
darib88 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:36:04 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I'd Pic being the deity in charge of Wireless signals, all my praise sung over the radio waves and my tithes would be occasionaly texting or calling friends and family to remind them you're thinking of them. Those who displeased me would have crackly radios , spotty cell reception ,and never properly connect to wifi, and no remote would send the proper commands to their televisions and garage door openers would ignore them.
i will be the god of picks. offer me a good bass line or a good riff and you will gain my favor by everytime you lose a pick, it will be in your pocket
georgeo ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:37:02 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Spreadsheets I guess.
irateup ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:37:07 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of Unintentional Emails. Worship before me you scum, or your dirty jokes and obscene pics get forwarded to the global address list. Recall that, bitch.
I would choose to be the Goddess of musical earworms...
On a good day it will be your favorite song that you rarely listen to, which then reminds you to go and dig out the album and reminisce about that one summer...
On a bad day it will be every song you ever learned for elementary concerts, christmas plays, and obscure commercial jingles. You won't remember but a bit of any of these and it will haunt you.
the god of making fans of bad nfl teams content. COME ONE COME ALL. BROWNS, RAIDERS, JAGS RAISE YOUR MIDDLE FINGERS AND PRAY TO ME!
Once the browns summoned me and I gave them the glorious Josh Gordon. Then they became arrogant, and bathed in the fantasy football light that was the great savior Gordon. They turned away from me claiming that they had earned a player of this caliber. So I contacted another intern. The wise and powerful Mary Jane took Gordon away from them so they could repent. And in his place I sent the eternal punishment of Johnny Foozball. They think it is Johnny Football, but his true gift is that of the table football.
NimirRaj ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:37:33 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The God of Perceived Weekend Time. Thou shalt pay me in Taquitos. If you pray hard enough, the weekend will feel as 3 days with so much time, you refinish the whole of Firefly again and more Archer episodes. If not, you shall have chores all weekend and you will have to run an errand at 6pm Sunday night and have shitty sleep because of it.
God of the smack upside the head to people who deserve it. See someone being douchy? Pray to me and let justice be dispensed. I will work my way up the pantheon ladder to a middle management karma god until I finally make VP of smiting.
I'd be the god of that thing where you're just about to sneeze, but then your friend is all "Hey, what's up?" and you suddenly freeze, but then you still have that nose tingle (it's a horrible tease) and you're like "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK!"
edit: Mundane, but I am the hero that the world needs right now. Especially high schools and colleges. Those places are severely lacking a God of Not Standing In Doorways and the world is suffering because of it
I'll be the God of Being Late. I'll work to ensure that only those deserving of being late are reprimanded by my holy powers. The bus didn't show up on time? Whoops! Alarm clock batteries died? My bad... Actually, not really... You coughed in multiple faces yesterday, so you deserved this shit you inconsiderate, earth vexing bastard.
I would choose to be the patron deity of Things Stuck in Drawers. The rattling of stuck drawers would be as prayers to me.
McVomit ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:41:36 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I'd be the god of checking your phone for the time, and then checking it again because you weren't actually paying attention. If I don't like you or you have offered me significant praise then fuck it, maybe you'll have to check it a third or fourth time.
phuhcue ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:41:46 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Toe stubbing. There would be an inexplicable rise in broken/lacerated toes.
You think you may have just sharted, but a prayer to me and you will see your undergarments clear of brown.
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:42:04 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The god of clean public restroom stalls. Those who earn my wrath will find punishments ranging from a stray pube and butt sweat on their seats after they sat down, to the remains of bloody battle field upon opening the door.
A silent downward gaze at all times while in the public restroom is the only offering I need. Also clean off the rim and flush the toilet you savages.
Brodm4n ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:42:05 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of being able to put a tent back in the bag as perfectly as it came out
eden_sc2 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:42:08 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of milk jugs. Pray to me and that almost empty gallon might have just enough for your cereal bowl.
Jitszu ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:42:10 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Video games. Hands down.
Avander ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:42:16 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of the Extra Sock or God of the Missing Sock. My true nature will forever be obscured.
The God of Time Perception. If you disrespect me and don't pray, your work day will seem to last for hours. "It's only been 5 minutes since I last checked the clock?!?!?! It feels like it's been hours"
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:44:49 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I want to be God of microwaveable food. You pray to me so that the inside of your hot pocket reaches perfect temp and the mash potatoes in your banquet meal don't come out ice blocks
Believers will swiftly discover the objects they have mislaid but non believers will be cursed to never find the item they've lost until it turns up 6 months later in the back of the fridge.
kingwoot ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:44:52 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The God of liminals. You want to go through a doorway, you have to go through me!
The God of Collections. Every bill you forget about or have to put off because your last paycheck goes through me. You pray to me to keep me away, and the collections agents get sent when I am unhappy.
I would be the god of pleasant low frequencies. Yes, the God of Bass. Les Claypool and Victor Wooten are already great avatars.
That reminds me, I need to go practice.
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:45:20 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of programming, while in my grace your code will work and the codes of others will create spontaneous pop ups even when offline. I will require sacrifice
odlonyer ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:45:21 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Goddess of Cat Rubs. Pray just enough, and I will send a kitty to rub on your legs or belly flop before you. Pray too hard and it will nail the crap out of you after 2 pets.
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:47:13 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of boobs, my acolytes will freeze time and hold boobs in that time, they can also largen and shrink breasts. The time hold boon grab will make the owner of said boobs forget that the booby grab happened
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:47:14 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of boobs, my acolytes will freeze time and hold boobs in that time, they can also largen and shrink breasts. The time hold boon grab will make the owner of said boobs forget that the booby grab happened
rxchxrd ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:47:16 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I am Trek, God of all public transit commuting.
Praise me and I will deliver your buses and trains on time.
Use my name in vain and you will forever sit in dried urine.
The God of Pencil Sharpening. Every pencil you sharpen under my blessing would leave that sharpener pointy and strong and not broken!
mackay92 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:47:54 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I would be the patron of toasters. Those who please me are able to perfectly time their toasters/toaster so that everything comes out perfect, not burned or half frozen.
Oscuraga ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:47:55 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I want to be the god of Earworms. It is by my shallow whims and convoluted methods into world domination that you suddenly have that song stuck inside your head at the worst possible moment.
Call Centers... I hear every hang up, every muted curse, every evil customer that calls you a see you next Tuesday... And I dispense karmic justice upon all!
Haha well I'd be Slortaloma Gunt, the lord of having your cock out at a funeral. Awkward situations abound, but not as much as your DNA on grandma's whore face
God of the Commute! Worship before me or fear my red lights!
Jordsvin ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:48:10 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I would be the god of atheism. There would barely be anyone praying to me so I can take my time to answer the few prayers. The rest of the day i would just browse reddit.
God of extremely stupid luck in video games. I want to move on to being a god that saves people's lives by just a hair. But I'll start off by letting you squeeze between a train, an oncoming car, and underneath your crashing opponent in burnout 3 when you didn't even see any of them until after you passed through.
Deity of of doubt seems like something I would handle rather well. Or maybe not.
nattack ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:50:27 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I am the god of procrastinating at work.
prove me wrong.
MrFurtch ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:50:31 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I will be the God of Coffee.
megagreg ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:50:37 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I think I would start as one of those mischievous gods that everyone wants to go away. I would be in charge of thread synchronization bugs happening all the time in production software, but never in your development build.
My first goal would be to get promoted to the granter of "race brain." That state you're in after a hard endurance race when you cross the finish line, and you feel thirsty, and you can see the tent with the gatorade, but it takes over two minutes before it occurs to you that if you just walk over there, you can get something to drink.
My career track would definately be to become patron saint of endurance athletes, even though I imagine starting out as a Norse god. Are we allowed to switch pantheons?
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:50:40 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of the Drive-Thru. Stay on my good side, perfect order every time. Anger me, enjoy your missing apple-pie, dipping sauce, or diet-coke when you asked for Regular.
I will be the God of Legos laying on the floor. If I find your sacrifices acceptable then you will never step on one at 2am while going to the bathroom, neglect to pay proper homage to me and I will fill you bedroom floors with them.
ogaldu ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:51:30 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The god of quarters. Didn't pray - you will be short a quarter for that load of laundry.
The god in charge of well maintained writing implements. Praise me and all your pencils will sharpen to a nice solid point, likewise your pens will always run smooth. Anger me, and you'll go through 80% of your pencil before the point stays on and your pen tips will be drier than the Mojave.
God of Costco. I'm the reason you either get good samples or bad ones. Also, if you anger me you're doomed to be forever be lost wandering aimlessly around Costco for that one item you just can't find.
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:54:12 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I'd be the God of Texting-and-Talking on your phone while driving.
Yes, this is a legitimate power that I've wanted since long before this thread popped up. Yes, there would be a great many permanently disabled cell phones. Yes, there would be a great many people permanently banned from using cell phones (they'd short out and immediately die the moment the person tried to use them).
And, yes, there would be a global message warning every cell phone user before this happened.
Napthus ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:54:20 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Has it ever struck you as odd how there's a God of wine but never an O God of Hangovers?
Guy in the fast lane going the same speed as the 18 wheeler next to him? Boom, LBJ fails sending him into the overpass pylon killing him and his family on impact.
The god of the juice that squirts out of citrus fruit when you eat them. You must pray to me before you dig into that grapefruit otherwise I might just get you in the eye. FEEL MY WRATH!
The God of Uncomfortable Auto-Fill Browser Addresses
You best hope you got a clean browser record on that laptop Jimmy, since you're about to search for "you..." during a live conference with your boss and 20 employees. Would be a shame if something else enters.
I will be Nofecus, the God of Surprisingly Clean Diapers. When you lay your infant down for a nap, I am the one who blesses your nostrils with a surprisingly clean diaper when they wake.
I would be the god of "being on the internet without anyone knowing", and I would grant great fortunes unto those whom are alert, and great peril upon those who do not pay attention to their surroundings.
I've always thought that the gods of hearth and home were the most interesting anyway. Sure, it's flashy to be the god of thunder or death or some shit, but at the end of the day, the best thing in life is coming home to the place you feel safe, eating a home cooked meal, drinkng a good beer, and loving your spouse. So yeah, I'm all about the mundane shit.
Necoya ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:55:54 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Filing! Glory be to the Records Manager who is in my gracies!
heron27 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:55:54 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
A god that decides if the toasts you make are tasty or less are.
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:55:56 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The God of that brief moment of panic when you try to take a bite of something but I doesn't break off so now you have to decide whether to wrestle with it, eat the whole thing, or just put it back and hope no one saw.
The title is a work in progress.
10Lei ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:56:26 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of sleep? Well it's sleep and everyone needs sleep.
God of mouse clicks. Praise me when you sacrifice adderall to my altar and I'll grant you perfect timing in any competitive game and save you from errors you didn't knew you were making. Anger me and you'll end up sending on those unfinished drafts and drunken late night messages that none should see!
Traffic Signals. See those 5 consecutive greens in front of you?
Not anymore.
Faladiel ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:56:54 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of falling asleep. People who can't get comfortable, are too hot or too cold, or whose brains can't quite seem to settle down - all would seek my blessing. And those who incur my wrath may suffer from narcolepsy.
alexjett ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:57:08 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I'd be the god of that thing where you're just about to sneeze, but then your friends all "hey what's up?" and you suddenly freeze, but you still have that nose tingle (it's a horrible tease) and you're like fuuuuuuuuuck!
God of sleeping in. When in my favor, you are blessed with an opportunity to sleep in. If you take that opportunity and get an extra hour or two, the rest of your day has a high likelihood of being a good day.
God of Pooping. I then device a 'make people poop longer and start an entertain yourself while you poop app' plan. People get addicted and the gods are powerless against my army of poopmen, who are hell bent on pooping regardless of what destruction the attention hungry bigdogs/gods inflict on the world outside the potty.
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:59:21 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The parking lots around a large shopping mall and its many satellite stores and restaurants. I'd bias available spaces in favor of moms with cranky children and against anyone with a sense of entitlement. The more entitled the driver feels (or - poor driver - the passengers' sense of entitlement might get my attention also), the less likely they get a space close to where they want.
feanturi ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:59:22 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I would be the god of lost guitar picks. Wayward picks are drawn to my altar of tortex and nylon, where they find rest from their travails until their owner makes the appropriate sacrifice. The sacrifice is that they go buy more picks, whereupon their missing picks will just turn up somewhere.
I will be the god of who imbues the scent of freshly baked bread upon the worthy.
Snowodin ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:59:43 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I would be the god of turning signals. As boring or mundane as it might seem, I would hold power over those who potentially run a red light and get a ticket. I would be the one who decides if you make it to where you want to be early, on time, or late. I could save or end lives.
But man, would it be boring alternating between three colors on immobile poles.
I am Motorolus, God of Cell Phone fate! Please me, and when your cell phone slips out of your hand while standing near the toilet, it bounces harmlessly off the rim and onto the floor, undamaged. Anger me, and it falls into the murky depths of a pre-flush sewage, complete with a cracked screen.
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:00:07 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of Road Rage, my blessings prevent people from raging and killing each other on their daily commute. For some reason I am ineffective in Russia.
God of Mondays. Instead of armor and such, I will walk around in a robe looking very tired while holding a cup of coffee. People usually pray for some kind of natural disaster so that they can stay home.
I would like to be the god of this is a stupid idea and I shouldn't be doing it but I'm going to anyways
jrglpfm ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:01:21 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The god of replacing the toilet paper roll.
Klojner ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:01:21 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I kinda want to be the god of slushies. I'd kinda be like a junior god of ice or something. Punishment would be doled out by tormenting brain freezes, rewards would be given in the form of unlimited refills.
draeh ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:01:24 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I would be the God of LEGO!
I am the one parents bow to as they attempt to walk in the night!
I'd be the God of Key Mojo. Pray to me every time you need to find your keys, get them out in a hurry (creepy guy in the parking lot, heebie-jeebies at your front door at night), or getting the right key in the lock the first time when you've got eight bags of groceries in your hands.
God of Pens. You know you miraculously find a pen when you need one? Must've done something to make me happen. Can't ever find one? Must've pissed me off. I can offer the typical shitty bics, or, for my most loyal servants, I'll provide the most incredible fine point, with beautifully flowing ink that doesn't smear away.
My preferred sacrifices are under-appreciated office supplies - I'm especially fond of electronic cable twist ties and binder clips.
I'd like to be in charge of the "it's on the tip of my tongue but I can't remember the word" feeling.
Invoke my wrath and you'll find that the next time you need to express something important the right word just isn't there.
Beg for my forgiveness and I may see fit to restore your vocabulary.
I am the god of dreams that you can actually remember.
Praying to me is simple, but it must be done without hesitation, as you have only a few moments: immediately upon waking up after a dream worthy of recalling, recite in your mind every detail of the dream from the point it began to the point it ended. Remember what happened, what it looked like, what it sounded like, what it felt like. Do this twice, and then write it all down. This prayer reaches me clearer than all others, and will guarantee you remember the dream for much longer than you would without prayer. Pray again with the same dream periodically to reinforce the memory of it and give the memory an exponentially longer lifespan.
And my sincerest apologies to this guy. His condition is an unintended side-effect of what happened to him.
I would be the God of finding money when doing laundry. Pray to me and you may find a few extra dollars. Piss me off and watch the gum and office pens pile up in your pants pockets when you least expect it.
Such Jeff the God of Biscuits, or Simon the God of Hair-Dos
Ar_Ciel ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:04:41 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I'd be interning under Eros as the god of Masturbatum Interruptis. Anger me and even a blast shelter in the middle of the Siberian tundra won't be safe from a severe and abrupt intrusion on your fun-time.
Ever buy a song that doesn't play by the time you have to leave that bar/restaurant? Well I'm in charge of making sure that song plays on your radio later that day or the next.
Except U2's With Or Without You or Tom Petty's Free Falling. I fucking hate those songs.
The God of the One Drop of Mud that gets on that really conspicuous part of your pants
(gave up on the capitalizations)
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:05:00 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I would be the God of Apathy.
urokia ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:05:02 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The god of fire alarms and smoke detectors. I will use my far reaching powers to ensure that somehow despite not changing the battery in 10 years a smoke detector still works, and never beeps. Fire alarms will only activate when necessary (fires, drills, to wake up that kid who missed his alarm on an important day, to clear a building of a threat) and will never be without reason. I will smite any who attempt to abuse my fire alarms. They will always work and won't be useless pieces of shit that wake you up at 1am every fucking day of finals week in the middle of fucking winter I swear to fucking god bursley hall.
God of Dexterity Checks. Drop a mug? Feel my power guide your hands to catch it before it shatters upon the ground. Playing I sport? Witness my Grace allowing you to make all the small-probability saves and catches.
And if you're especially devout, your friends will always be there to see.
Moistus, god of baked goods, keeper of proper moistness. Pray to me and your muffins will always be moist; reject me and your scones will turn stale in your mouths. You have been warned.
The Lord of Toilet Paper. May I grace upon thee an extra roll of TP by the toilet. My only son Cornholio gave his time upon the earth to warn of my wrath. Anger me and thou shall be left stranded without a roll in sight.
There are many ways to worship me but only the devout will trout around their dwelling with pants at their ankles in a hunched position.
Can't hold it and gotta use a public bathroom to poop? Quickly sacrifice your firstborn in my name and you shall have a freshly cleaned public bathroom stall with maybe 2-ply toilet paper.
Clbull ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:06:01 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of pizza cutters, when in my graces (usually by cooking pizza, i'm an easy god to please) your pizza cutter will slice that pizza like a lightsaber, no dragging of toppings, fully sliced so you don't pick up a slice and it still connected with another and even slices so you don't end up with one obviously smaller than the rest
UniAdept ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:06:59 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Uni, God of University Napping. Need to waste some time between classes - Uni has your back with a quick nap! If you pray well, you get a nice quiet restful peace. If not, well, no seat will be comfortable and jackhammers will come on randomly to keep you almost falling asleep for the whole duration.
I would be the God of Waiting. Nothing really gets done, but at some point you're in my jurisdiction. And I'd have fun with it: make some people hang their very existence on the ticking of the clock, while others feel as though they never get a break!
brownbie ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:07:31 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The god that determines who shalt fart and shalt shart
I'm the god of mismatched socks. I've got a few pairs of socks that look similar, but are slightly different sizes, and I always manage to ball up a bad pair when I do the laundry.
abrachoo ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:08:23 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I would be the god of answering hypothetical questions.
The God of Staplers.
You know when you try to staple some pages together and the staple buckles, then you awkwardly pry it out - destroying your fingers in the process - only to discover that the stapler has miraculously run out of staples?
Lost your keys? Can't find your favorite whatever? Heard a song on a commercial, liked it and don't know the name? Maybe you need help catching that cute girl that just started at your office. Yes, thats me, the thrill of the hunt. Oh yea, animals for food too.
I went a dozen comments down, so I assume this is not taken.
The God of Making Sure The Toilet Paper Is Facing The Right Way.
Yeah. that stuff. Seriously, over, not under. I guess then if you pissed me off, you'll always walk into a toilet stall with the toilet paper the opposite of how you like it!
Shishish ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:09:10 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Goddess of deviating from recipes and personalizing them and having them ultimately turn out better. If you're especially good to me, I'll be the one coming up and sprinkling extra cheese in your easy mac
God of Videogame Cleavage. Bow before me nerdlings!
Meykel ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:09:35 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I would be the God of Toilet Paper. All I require is a sacrificial cookie once a week (my altar should somewhere other then the bathroom) and as long as you have a supply of toilet paper in your home you will always have a roll of toilet paper within arms reach of the toilet
Videoramus - God of Videogame Development. If you were to please me, I will make your anticipated game the come quickly and be well developed. If an entire country (Iโm not greedy Iโm only entry level) prays to me Iโll bestow the greatest gift to ever granted to manโฆ Half-Life 3. However, should you defy me, you will get your game, full of micro-transactions and a development cycle that will make you forget why you wanted it originally.
Sengura ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:10:08 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of bust size revealment.
Want to know your crush's bust size? Suspect that Amy down the hall might be stuffing her bra? Well, no problem! Pray to me with an offer of Doritos and you may find her bust size engraved into your bed's headboard the following morning.
Not sure if it qualifies as mundane or not, but I would be the God of all Commuter's.
Do you have internal boiling road rage at meaningless rubber necking, failed turn signals, and the inability of a city to create streaming merge lanes? Is your bus driver hitting every pothole on purpose just to spill your coffee, or speeding up just as you run to the door thinking you're gonna be on time today? Is there a guy in a suit talking on his cell phone standing idly in the walking side of the escalator about to make you miss the train, resulting in you standing for twenty minutes in a crowded smelly metro station and making you miss your first date with an honest to goodness hottie in at least a year?
The God of the Commute hears. Ne'er do wells beware...
xiao668 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:10:25 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The goddess of startling animals. All animals have that moment of momentarily freaking out for no reason. Like those times your cat would just jump up out of nowhere and run off? That was me.
I would be the god of plugging in USB cables. We would deal with the issues of probably doing things the right way, doubting ourselves, turning around, trying it the wrong way, and finally returning to what was right all along.
Pdsn ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:10:39 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I'd be the God of Post-It notes. Those in my favor would be gifted with eternal adhesion. Woe and post-its that always fall be to those who earn my wrath.
I'd be the God of Correct Alphabetization. If you're in my good graces, you'll never show up at a doctor's office and have them not be able to find your chart. No longer will your documents end up filed under your first name, instead of your last. And, for the right amount of devotion, all your songs will be attributed to the right artist and be sorted appropriately.
rdoll70 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:11:00 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of the toilet plunger. Blasphemy me and I will let you unclog your upper-decker on your own.
God of the yellow traffic light. Pay fealty to me and enjoy the feeling of never approaching an intersection while it is yellow. And occasionally, I will grant green lights all the way. (Built-in paradox avoidance by simply arranging the red lights you do get to prevent conflicts. NOTICE I do not control the green and red lights really, but I can certainly time them to your benefit or detriment).
Annoy me and your yellow lights will be frequent and variable in length.
Anger me and you may get a few long yellows, just enough to agitate you, and then a hyper short one just as you decide to accelerate through it. I won't guarantee a truck or whatever will take you right out, that's left up to chance. I may decided to do this when you are in a particularly urgent need of a bowel movement though.
The god of microwave foods. Hot pockets will be forever both molten lava and frozen if you do not sacrifice accordingly. I demand all microwave clocks be set +1 minute faster than all other devices in your kitchen.
Flash 12:00 shall be the greatest sin of all and your microwave will forever torment you and your both hot and cold food.
The God of catching objects unexpectedly thrown to you. Pray to me and you will have smooth and graceful one handed catches, but anger me and you will fumble it while walking, trip, and fall on your face.
If I'm happy, you won't get stuck behind the person who can't figure out what button on the screen to push next. If I'm mad, you're stuck behind the person who is trying to figure out why it won't accept their check.
azon85 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:12:33 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of Static Electricity. Worship me and never shock yourself again. Anger me and you'll shock yourself all the time.
I'll be the god of naps. Worship me and you may be blessed with a refreshing short nap right when you need it. Anger me and you will nap a little too long and wake up more tired than before, and in a foul mood. This applies to your children as well.
oisir ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:12:54 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The god of "Where the hell did I park?".
Appease me with the jingling of your keys, and you will find your car in a timely fashion.
Anger me, and you will walk up to at least 5 different cars that look exactly like yours, but aren't. Your car will then be moved as far away as possible.
KaNikki ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:13:04 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I would be the goddess of glasses. I can help you keep track of where you put those damn things, but be warned, if I'm angered, you risk finding that youi have searched in vain for 20 minutes, all the while they've been on your head/face/in your hands the whole time.
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:13:08 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Goddess of deflecting parents at embarrassing times. Not quite got your pants on? I will distract them with a doorbell.
Teenagers will love me, but their adoration will fade with adulthood. If they deny me fully later in life I send parents to let themselves in with a spare key early on Sunday morning.
The God of accidentally pushing send on texts before they are finished.
Indiozia ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:13:21 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Paper cuts
Docedj ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:13:30 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I want to be the God of Keyboards. Piss me off, and you'll forever have a spacebar that only works about two thirds of the time. If you make me happy, it will forever stay clean, and Cheeto-dust free. Sacrifices will be made in the form of letting kitties sleep on your keyboard when you have important e-mails to type. Those fools who have virtual keyboards have a special ring of hell waiting for them.
I would be the god of flatulence. If you are within my favor, then that fart which was bubbling up in the middle of your meeting/class will be quelled. If you out of my favor then be prepared for the loudest or smelliest gas you have had in years. People will worship me out of true fear and sing my praises at every crisis averted.
OhHiGCHQ ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:13:40 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of the come back. Anger me and you'll always think of what to say to someone right after it would have been appropriate to say. Please me and you're the wittiest mother fucker around.
I think my username dictates that I be the god of blueberries. Please me and thy blueberries shall taste sweet and like, you know, blueberries. Incur my wrath and you'll be sucking blue lemons. I accept sacrifices of sulphur since blueberry bushes prefer a low PH. Now who do you think I'll report to? Godess of fertility or is there a god/godess of farming?
I shall be the God of Lines. Be in my favor, and you shall see the people in front of you move smoothly without hassle. Fall out of my graces and watch as every person in front of you has to heckle with the cashiers for five minutes, slowly waste time paying with pennies, and otherwise wasting your time as your parking meter slowly runs out.
You want to go up 5 channels? Okay, if you've been nice then just press the channel button up five times. You've been a devilish little fiend? Press the channel up five times. Oh damn! It went up six! Okay just press down once. Oh no the receiver didn't catch that. Press down once more. Oh now it went down twice because it recognized the first input!
The god of being at just the right moment to climax when watching porn. If I am displeased with you, you'll get an eyeful of the grossest, least satisfying moment of the entire video.
The God of Pizza. Why dont I see this yet? Your TOPPINGS ARE BELONG TO ME.
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:15:26 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I would the god who watches over writers and artists who are talented but never achieve any recognition despite all of their efforts and determination.
I'll be the God of Critical Thinking and then inspire my followers to prove I don't exist.
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:15:54 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I will be the God of sink knives. Perform the blessed sacrament by cleaning your silverware marvelously, and there will be no blade lurking below the sudsy surface. Anger me with cheap plastic, though, and I'll leave you a steak knife surprise. I don't even care if you don't own a steak knife.
tyradyne ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:15:56 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Sporks. Nothing need a deity more than the half-spoon-half-fork a.k.a plastic's sin against nature.
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:16:01 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The god of cool and unique pens.
ccjhs90 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:16:08 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I'd be the God of traffic. Piss me off, and you'll be stuck in a 10 mile backup while you have to take a bowel movement. Please me, and you'll never have to worry about red lights, or construction traffic again.
Balance out bad days with things like bowls out of the microwave that aren't too hot to carry. Wreak havoc upon shite people with dishes just slippery enough to be dropped easily. Make glass cups crack at random. Cause anything eaten with silverware to taste metallic. Cool one odd side of a plate in a microwave causing it to be cold while the rest of the dish burns for no apparent reason.
I'd be the best starter or ender to the best or worst days.
Pray to me and you won't get any thick and grimey shit in the bottom of your cup. Disobey and your Keurig will give you nothing but bad tasting and overpriced coffee.
The goddess of canceled meetings. Double booked conference rooms? Those numbers you needed from Marketing just arent finished yet? maybe a power outage? Youre welcome.
baust32 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:18:11 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The god of internet connection. Make me mad and you wont be getting that paper done that is due tomorrow.
Xynii ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:18:23 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I will be the goddess of paintbrushes. A small but very important tool.
The god of noticing where people have left things when they do not remember. "Where is my phone?????" "Why you left it on top of the microwave my child"
The god of plugging in a USB 2.0 correctly on the first try.
Do not toy with me, mortal.
DreVilla ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:18:38 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of the mattress sheet cover. Pray to me... and I'll make sure all 4 elastic corners of your sheet cover actually stay under the corners of your mattress.
God of lost items. Mildly piss me off and I'll steal a sock from the dryer. Really piss me off and your car keys will end up on the moon.
dakotajh ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:18:43 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I am Goddess Incipere ... (To start). I'm the God(dess) you thank when your car starts in the morning. I'm evil-neutral and it amuses me greatly to hear the starter crank a few extra times, just to watch you squirm.
I would be the God of traffic. On my good days it would be as smooth driving as if you were driving in Montana, bad days like LA, and on days I just want to mess with mortals I'd make it randomly go to one lane for no reason and everyone in front of you will be from the state of Oregon or the city of Seattle.
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:20:54 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Bananas.
Fooldimi ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:20:57 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
No need. Cardea is already the God of door hinges.
abinkeb ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:20:57 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I am the Goddess of Office Supplies. Staples is my temple and I got your ink jet refills right over here. I demand no offerings, but if you sign up for rewards emails, you'll earn cash back on sticky notes.
Pray for a mundane task to be completed and I will do it if your intentions are pure. However, if your I deem your task to be anything but mundane. You will be bashed to the chamber of chores. You must complete 2 trials in order to be forgiven.
Fear my whimsy, mortals! For I am Mousiki Vrochos, though I am known by other names: Wormer of Ears, The Great Loop, The Hook Unending, El Disco. I have the power to force you to remember just a few catchy bars of that song on the radio, over and over in your head--maybe for a few hours, a few days, or the rest of your life, depending on my mood and astral alignment and stuff. Those who receive my blessing will find that they can recall an entire song, and in doing so, abate their earworm and go about their lives in relative peace. Those who incur my wrath are those you see with baleful eyes, hopelessly humming the hook from "Moves Like Jagger" or the intro to "Piano Man" with no knowledge of the rest of the song at all. Or the man who, despite an endless iTunes collection, cannot stop hearing commercial jingles in his head.
Kuja27 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:21:12 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I would be the God of ikea furniture. Fall out of my favor and one of two things happens: either I make sure one screw is threaded so that whichever direction you're turning the driver, the threads reverse so it won't go in. Or I will make sure there is one extra piece with no function other than to confuse you. Either way lies misery
bschwag ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:21:15 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I'd be the God of resin. Pray to me and you will get high even when your dry!
The god of proper Scotch Whiskey storage. I serve under Nick Offerman, the God of Scotch. I reward those that store bottles upright with clean, well deserved livations and those that store them sideways with poor, inferior drink.
gufcfan ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:21:50 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
ordinary, mundane, every-day thing?
Money. Handled frequently by entry level people.
TheKoi ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:21:58 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
the god of days off.you pray to me if you want a day off.
maragan ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:22:04 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I am the God of not finding a reddit thread before it hits the front page
blackom ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:22:10 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Got to be forward thinking about this. I shall henceforth be known as Peepus, Most Holy God of Not Being Noticed While Piloting a Drone Camera in Front of The Neighbor Lady's Open 2nd Story Window. Praise be to the Shadow that does hide your shame and give comfort.
Prayers to me are to be made while sitting in a tree... although a bush will also do. Sacrifices of binoculars, tiny mirrors that you attach to your shoe, and hellishly fuzzy and barely lit photos of naked people are accepted. No cum boxes please.
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:22:23 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I am the God of that thing where you're just about to sneeze
but then your friend is all "Hey, what's up?" and you suddenly freeze but then you still have that nose tingle, it's a horrible tease
and you're like "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK!!"
bl1y ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:22:45 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God Of Not Getting Called On When You Didn't Do The Reading.
God of regretful inaction. That girl you never asked out. That trip you never took. The bully you never stood up to. All the times you look back on, years later, wishing you had had the courage to do something. I am the god that gives you the courage to do step up in those situations that stick with you until the day you die.
tjreess ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:23:13 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
All bow before u/wholesalebees, goddess of being friends with people on Facebook just to make fun of them! Show proper humility before me, or I'll take a screenshot of what you just posted and pass it around between my friends while taking shit about you.
I would be the goddess of WiFi. No matter where you are there is always a strong signal that allows you to connect to https and above all is free. My one stipulation is that the only reception allowed for drivers is if they selected streaming music before they set into motion and are only allowed to change stations/play lists while stationary.
I'd like to be the god of forgotten internet passwords. Forget your password? Just say a little prayer to u/Jewish_Sports_Legend and...poof, you're logged in.
I'd be the fart god. The one that ensures you can release gas according to the protocol of each situation: let say that you're on your first date and those beans you ate at lunch start to boil inside of you. Well, fear no more! Sacrifices you made in my honor will grant you a silent (well, not musicalized by your tuba solos) and stinkless date.
Or maybe you are hanging out with your homies and would love to make one of the boys (or girls) feel the wrath of your ass stank. Honestly, this is a god we all need on our side.
You can call me Uranus, unless is taken by another deity.
GKorgood ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 18:25:22 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of typewriter correction ribbon, coz I'm lazy.
Ncsululu ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:24:27 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of Finding lost articles. Can't find your keys and running late for work? Quick prayer to me and I got your back.
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:24:31 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I imagine myself as ex-PFC Wintergreen, answering phones and mail for Zeus at Olympia. So the god of minor bureaucracy.
I'd throw everything from Poseidon in the trash, because his style is too prolix, and speed everything from Pluto along in zealous observation of regulations because his style is unpretentious. I'd follow Hermes around, drilling oil wells under him every time he stopped to sleep. One day I'm sure I'd be ex-chief god of Olympus.
I would be the God of buttons. Pray to me and every button will be easy. Anger me, and it will be like trying to button little tiny baby clothes buttons with giant man hands.
Merax75 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:25:19 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of Missed Connections. Talking to a girl at Starbucks and didn't get her number and hope you see her again? I'll make that shit happen. Buff guy at the gym you shared a smile with but don't have the courage to talk to? Got your back, he'll start up a conversation next time you come in.
The God of Exact Change: And lo, let not one of the two dimes or one of the three pennies escapeth under the seat cushions as I approacheth the window, let my payment be speedy and my Happy Meal be financially disbursed unto mine face from your bounty, Amen.
I would be the goddess of drunk texting.
Keeping me happy ensures that your dick pic actually impresses the intended recipient, or at least doesn't offend.
Anger me and that dick pic goes to your grandma, boss, or boss' 16-year old daughter. Why do you have her number anyway?
Capsaicinus: The God of Hot Sauce. If you pray to me, your favorite bottle of hot sauce will never run dry. Piss me off, and you will always have that first shot of sauce fly over your target and get all over the surface your plate/bowl was sitting on. Then your bottle will empty before you can bless any wings with its deliciousness. Muahahahaha!
Twikstar ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:26:29 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of dank memes
Knute5 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:27:00 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The god of lost keys. I can help people find their keys, or punish them by making them lose their keys. And when I decide they have been punished enough they find them in their pocket, or that they thought they lost them while they were driving.
Reading it's pretty mundane and everyday but it's important to help us get a better understanding of the world as a whole, and thus would give me a route up to the higher levels.
The God of Being Slightly Less Late Than Everybody Else in the Office.
9:03am? First person there!
Konrow ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:28:18 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of the USB and USB mini. Pray to me and you shall always insert it correctly on the first try. (This prayer works for all insert-able items, never stick it in the wrong hole again! You're welcome ladies.)
The God of Video Game Glitches. I shall be praised by all Speedrunners regardless of them running or not running Glitchless runs. They shall pray for my interference to assure that some glitches happen first try, and others to not happen at all.
The god of the gas tanks. Please me and when your tank is getting low and you're miles from town, you'll have juuuust enough to get to a gas station. Piss me off, you're gunna end up walking the last 4 miles
WiFi. I would mostly us my powers for myself, but occasionally sprinkle a little WiFi on those that deserve it. My punishment would be a perpetual increase / decrease signal. You think it's going to work, but loses signal right at the end.
The God of drunk dials. Pray to me and I will make sure your drunk dials/texts/and status updates never see the light of day. Unless they're gonna lead to sex. I am a kind and generous God.
ABahRunt ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:30:09 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of getting something working the first time when you're showing it to your crush/boss.
Shit never works when you try to show it off...
SknarfM ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:30:22 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I would be the god of coffee. A barista is a priest. Every drinker a worshipper. And every cafe, Starbucks, coffee house a place of worship.
Pray to me when you need to get out of an awkward first date situation, and I shall create a distraction or an emergency situation so you can ditch the one whom you no longer wish to pursue
The god of good parking! Everybody prays to the parking gods. Everybody.
Cizzar ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:30:52 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The god of plugging usb cables into things
Fiennes ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:31:13 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of Reddit Blue-Links. Pray to me, and your visits will bring forth bountiful content for you. Take my name in vain, motherfucker, and your screen will be full of more purple than that movie "The Colour Purple" which admittedly I've never seen and cannot cite just how much purple is in that movie, but I bet it's a fucking lot - why else would you name a movie "The Colour Purple" and not have a whole shit-load of purple in it.
The god of car singing. Rejoice and worship upon my funkyness while riding in style. Must actualy be singing for prayers to be granted. That car lip syncing shit just dont fly
raddue ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:31:30 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The God of Printers. Upset me and you will have nothing but jams, false errors and the inability to ever connect to a network. Your queues will continually fill but nothing will print. If your printer tech comes out, everything will work fine until he leaves.
Parking. If you please me then you will always find a spot right by your destination for free or base price, but anger me and you'll circle the block over and over until you give up and pay $25.
I will be the God of talking yourself into thinking something that's important is actually not a big deal. Every day I will bless subjects with ability to stretch the truth and warp logic into convincing themselves to put off important things in their lives. If you are sufficiently in my good grace, you may never achieve anything ever again.
I'd be the God of skinny punks. so, say your are harassing a man who is stranded in the middle of a lake on a sailboat because there isn't any wind. You're calling him fat and teasing him etc. now, instead of praying to the God in charge of wind and stuff, you can just pray to me that the wind doesn't pick up which would allow the man to get to land and stick an oar up your ass...
Morvack ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:32:07 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Pray to me, and I will ensure that you will be comfortable in your seat. Fail to praise me, and you must constantly shift and turn to get comfort.
Those who truly praise me offer all their time to a couch or a recliner. Those are my children.
I want to be the god of petty revenge. It's one of my favorite subs, and nothing gets me hard like some well deserved comeuppance.
Cut someone off in traffic? I'll make sure you run out of gas two blocks from a gas station, and they pass your broken down car on the way to their destination.
Short change a delivery guy? He finds a 20 in your driveway that fell out of your pocket when you got out of your car.
keep your neighbors up at night with your loud TV? Suddenly the pipes in your wall are super noisy (but only to you???) and now you have to pay to soundproof them or you'll lose hours of sleep per week.
If you elect me - Kronos, God of minor justice! - I swear that no obnoxious, inconsiderate deed will go unpunished, and no victim shall be denied their satisfaction.
penea2 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:32:28 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Im the god of breakfast. Seems like a nice thing to be a god of. Speaking of, I didn't have breakfast today. Maybe thats why. Im huuunngryyyy
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:32:43 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The god of browsing decreasingly-entertaining websites because work is neither challenging nor fulfilling
Valthek ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:33:39 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of Code You Wrote That Worked That One Time But Now It Doesn't Even Though You Didn't Change A Damn Thing And You Have No Idea What Happened.
A few years later, I'll also add "Code I Wrote That Didn't Work But Now It Does And I Swear I Changed Nothing" to my portfolio.
Basically, I'd be the god student programmers pray to when things go horribly wrong when they clearly shouldn't. I wouldn't really DO anything about it though. Just, you know, occasionally make things work when they shouldn't or the other way around.
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:33:43 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I would choose to be the god of smooth poops.
Surely, you laugh, yet would be filled with regret if you angered myself with an insincere offering and I cursed you with a dry turd, caught within your colon, that took far too long and with far too much strain to remove.
I would work in conjunction with the god of clean wiping and the god of dietary fibre. The classic trio.
The God of Football. Everybody is always talking about the football gods and praying to the football god, so let me be that god. I'll decide who wins and who loses.
The God of unjustified workplace micro-aggression.
GioGImic ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:34:16 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of Sitting Down.
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:34:21 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Bow down to your new God.... Flatuence.
Wrong me or my worthy followers? Immense gas blockages that would make even Hades tremble in fear.
On a date with someone you love, and are a loyal and good subject? Silent excretions which smell of pumpernickel, or thyme, or heck if I'm having a good day, maybe nothing at all!
Declare war on my priests, ravage my temples, and maim my worshipers?
Cords. Piss me off today? Your ear buds are getting tangled. Piss me off tomorrow? Your ear buds are getting tangled. In the vacuum cleaner. Piss me off on a Friday?
Something, something, your kid's umbilical cord, something, something, sorry.
Naturage ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:35:17 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of lag. Trust me, I will have plenty of people praying for me.
I would become the god of the layer of dust that settles inside the computer case. Gain my favor an that dust will find no purchase inside your case, however if you should invoke my ire, the heatsinks on your GPU an CPU will become so wooly with funk that the fans burn out.
I would be goddess of that poop that leaves no marks in your butthole. The tp comes out clean.
Make me mad and you'll have them squishy poops that even after fifty wipes there's still some residue. Not even baby wipes can solve that shit.
Goddess of parking spots. Worship me and you will find a parking spot near the front of the store, or if you are driving around a city you will find a parking meter that still has time left on it.
If you anger me by parking like a jackass you, stealing other people's spots when they had been waiting for it, or leaving grocery carts in the spot next to you, you will only find parking towards the back of the parking lot or over priced parking garages 5 blocks away next to two giant trucks that will more then likely scrape your paint when the owners open their door.
I would be the god of downvotes, whenever a useless comment arises or a repost happens a few hours after the original I'd be there. I would smite useless posts with and damn them to reddit purgatory
The God of Internet Mishap.
Pray to me and you'll not mis-click or mis-push a link you didn't want to go to. However, if you do give thanks and praise to me then you will suffer long load times and unfortunate pop-ups
Kilshin ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:38:19 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I would be the god of the yellow light, when you get through an intersection on a yellow light, you kiss your fingers and tap the ceiling in thanks to my generous blessings of having time to get food on the way to work
I'll be in charge of accidentally washing bank notes in your trousers.
Pray to me to ensure you somehow don't end up with a mushy ball of fibre. Or make it a lower denomination than you feared.
(Australians and Canadians are obviously not eligible. Nor will my Scottish brethren in a few years , actually).
matt_rap ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:38:21 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Itching. A lot of people would pray for my relief.
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:38:27 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Iยดd be the god of pissing inside the toilet. Pray to me, and I shall always make your stream gracefully flow inside. Make me angry and I guarantee you will always sneeze just in the middle of it.
I shall be th God of uhm hold up I forgot what I was going to say. My partner the Goddess of why did I walk in here? May smite any person at any point if we so please.
I would bring feelings off superiority to people who was a part of spreading a meme others pick up on weeks later. I would grant you a complete immunity to forwards from people, all you have to do is mock people for how bad they are at memeing.
Curt2000 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:38:58 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of that awkward moment where two peoples paths are crossing and they both stop awkwardly and suddenly and then start up again at the same time after waiting for the other to go only to have to stop awkwardly again.
Make offerings to me to prevent that from happening. Get on my bad side and you best avoid intersecting walking paths, or I'll get you. You work in a cubicle farm? Your life will be a nightmare of people nearly walking into you.
If I smile unto you, your line will move faster than any other. Or perhaps a new window will open perfectly to get you to the front of that and out the door swiftly.
Should I frown, the person will have coupons, a failed debit card, and then cash, but demand to provide perfect change.
As I accrue power, I will take over traffic lights as well. Then traffic.
Behold mortals, for I am the God of the best of small conveniences: I shall let the incoming train stop at such a position the doors are exactly in front of you on busy platforms...
You know those days where there is a car wreck and your 10 minute drive turned into a 45 minute drive. Right after your drank a cup of coffee? Hope you've been faithful.
Hey, this cute girl wants a date. She wants to go to that new Mexican place! She wants to come back to my place! Hope you've made your offerings, otherwise you're going to have a more eventful night than you hoped for.
When you're alone I remind you that dumber stuff could happen to you, seems insignificant but your mind is never going be silent.
timclgm ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:45:10 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of Upvotes!
Caveat, I apparently cannot use my God powers for myself :(
MrG ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:45:26 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The God of Bowel Movements. Piss me off and depending on my mood you won't shit for days, or maybe you will shit for days.
Esuma ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:45:33 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The God of Furniture
Anger me and your pinky toes shall feel the fully extent of my wrath.
Davy_Dee ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:45:40 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The God of Paperclips.
Render unto me your rubber band slingshots, your jumping springs, your chain necklaces. In return, I will allow you to reach in and choose a single clip of the correct size every time.
Sandwhich making. The goddess of sandwich making. It has a certain ring to it.
ChiveRy ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:46:02 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I'd like to be the god of propelling toast out of the toaster JUST high enough that the believers will be able to snatch my blessing before it falls to the side. If you piss me off it'll get stuck and burn.
God of Facebook.
Please me, and all of your feed shall be enticing and the news will cater to your interests.
Anger me, and you will see nothing but pictures of people's half-assed attempts at cooking "gourmet" food, your friend who constantly updates their relationship status, and an update every minute about the status of that persons baby you don't know and how amazing it was that it rolled around and it's name is Neveah.
rwbffa83 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:46:23 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I would be the god of pooping. I would have hordes of followers sacrificing in my honor, and my wrath would be terrible.
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:46:28 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Be in my good graces? You will find that seconds after you enter your destination, the person you were meeting that day is excited to see you, and thanks you for being so prompt.
Fall out of my graces? You will find yourself walking in to a mine field of passive aggressive comments about how being late is disrespectful, and how it not only affects you, but everyone after you. Also comments of how you left them "waiting" and wondering if you would come at all.
lobo79 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:47:59 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Pussy eating.
Resinmy ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:48:11 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I would be the god of minor annoyances. Your streaming video suddenly starts lagging? You're out of milk but not cereal? Your new printer isn't connecting? Hit every light on your way to work did you? Spill some coffee on your new shirt? Someone behind you at the theater keeps whispering too loudly? Well good. That will teach you to neglect the god of minor annoyances. I must be placated with offerings of sensible beer and the extra socks you have left after the dryer's done. Only then will I spare you from a litany of minor irritations.
The God of that last little piece of mechanical pencil lead that you can't write anything with. In another dimension, it would solve the worlds problems!
I would be the God of public transportation. Please me and I will send the bus just when you arrive at the stop. I will send a cab for you when you need it. But piss me off, and the bus will always be leaving when you arrive, no matter how fast you run, and there will be no cabs to be seen on rainy days. I will be the mighty taxius, and you will adore me with diet coke and cigarettes.
ag_fisu ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:49:05 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The god of poop. Millions of followers offering a part of themselves couple of times a day
JMFargo ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:49:06 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I'll take being the god of pen ink and pencil "lead."
You worship me simply by using these items as they're meant to be used. If you've pissed me off then you'll get a pencil full of shattered lead or a pen that skips every half second of writing and no amount of scribbling will fix it, though you'll think it does because the scribbling will work perfectly.
I will be the goddess of Espresso machines. Worship me and your espresso shall brew perfect and last longer. Anger me and the machine will pour decaf, need a rinse when you ready your shots or other ways to displease the Users or Customers. My priest/ess will be Baristas and all will know my rage or favor!
The god of unnecessarily awkward social interactions. Ye mortals shall squirm with uncertainty when you see that person you know way at the end of the hall! Do you greet him now, or when you get closer? Therein lies my power.
I would be the god of finding the TV remote. If you anger me, the remote will perpetually move as you are about to find it, please me and you will find it on the first try.
I'd be the god of making sure your shoe laces are always tied to the perfect length (no long laces to trip on and no uneven laces) and I'd also be in charge of making sure you don't trip on a small piece of raised cement on the sidewalk.
Anger me and by Zeus I swear you shall trip with every step you take.
The God of Driving. Drive like a dumbass and I will smite you.
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:52:16 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The god of when you drop something but you kick it at the last second to break its fall so it doesn't shatter. You know your shitty reflexes aren't fast enough. You're welcome.
God of wiping. I ensure there is always more to wipe in my honor.
sidvicc ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:52:56 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of Good Bowel Movement.
They may laugh at me first, but soon I'll have more worshippers than all of the rest combined. How many people say OMG or some variant on the shitter after a bad meal.
I would be the god of paperwork. Can you imagine how much prayer power I'd get within the first week?
"Please God let me get this audit finished on time! Please God get me through the DMV without causing GBH. Please God help me with these exams!"
On top of this, I could cause a massive amount of social progress by making politicians fuck up their cronyism plans and accidentally loophole in a bonus for the little guy.
Azura85 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:56:42 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The Goddess of Shaving, worship me with your fine creams and oils. Gently apply aftershave or lotion (not too much) and I will bless you with clear, hair free skin until 8-10 hours later. Anger me and I will ensure ingrown hairs, dull razors that give razor burn that stings like a thousand suns and cuts that make you question whether a hospital is in order.
... lag. Gamers and Netflix binge watchers would be wise to oblige me and do my bidding.
Donk72 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:58:33 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The god of keeping it in when you really need to poo and are far from a toilet.
Those prayers will be sincere. Nobody wants to anger me in a time of need.
God of ice in drinks. If you make me mad all of your ice freezes into a huge lump at the bottom, that lurches forward soaking your face and shirt in an ice cold tidal wave.
The god of random boners. These are the ones that pop up randomly often when you are tired that really can't be tied to a specific reason. Pray to me to ensure that these do not show up in awkward situations, disappoint me and the moment that you walk up to give a presentation I will ensure that your pants get tighter in the front.
stenseng ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:59:08 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I am the god of the last slice of pizza. I can't speak for the rest of the pizza, but those who pray to me will always find one more slice when they look in a box that would've otherwise been empty.
For my most devout servants, it was also not be rubbery when microwaved.
God of hide and seek bladder. Every time someone finds a good hiding spot, I'll fill them with the burning desire to piss. Bonus points if the counter just finished counting.
The god of lack of willpower, i am the reason you pick the KFC big daddy instead of the very tasty salad. I sit there and judge you will you indulge in eating a tasty cookie. The most annoying god going.
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:01:04 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The god of placing the condom on your dick the correct orientation the first time and then having it unroll smoothly without taking up a lot of time or getting pulled too tight. It's an important fucking job
The God of deciding whether or not your phone breaks when you drop it. Piss me off and your phone will last like a middle school egg-drop. Please me, and a 6 foot drop onto cement will be nbd.
Testiclese, God of all balls and the intensity in which it hurts to get hit in them, also I make them wind up around themselves whenever you're exercising or walking in a public place.
I, Bootithian Upitus, control the speed at which your electronics start. Pray to me sufficiently and your morning will be pleasant. Ignore my importance and you shall never clock in on time again.
mrFACE47 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:03:04 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I would choose Lord of the last 10% of battery life. Appease me it will last but disgrace me and you may never even hear the. Warning beep.
Jtsrobin ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:03:05 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I shall be the god of weak toilet paper. I will punish those who do not worship by when you wipe your butt your finger always pokes through. no matter how much TP you use.
I shall be the god of weak toilet paper. I will punish those who do not worship by when you wipe your butt your finger always pokes through. no matter how much TP you use.
God of firing elastic bands. Im deadly with those things.
Dwhitlo1 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:05:26 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The god of dreaming that you did your homework and therefore not doing it. Keep me happy and you never miss a deadline. Piss me off and you homework grade goes straight to hell.
rl8813 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:05:30 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I'd kill to be one of the "hockey gods". Even in some minor capacity such as god of healthy scratches, god of white tape, or god of fourthliner goal celebrations.
Zenpei ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:05:36 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I'm the apprentice of the God of the cyberspace. My primary job is to bless those who are true to the belief in safe internet surfing. Those who defile and misbehave will suffer the wrath of random lag and sudden high ping problems.
Aside from that I'm also tasked into gazing deep into the web ensuring that everyone will find something when they are lurking and gazing into the web. Be nice and it's something of a gem worthy web page that you'll keep for life. Be bad and you'll end up with the weird side of youtube.
I would be the God of not dropping things you're idly playing with while you're doing actual work. My altar would be the floor, while you're on your knees looking for that pen lid you just dropped pray I won't strike you again with my wrath.
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:07:48 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Goddess of the Complicated Order, though they're never really as complicated as they're made out to be.
Want a piping hot decaf iced coffee made of the purest tea leaves, 2 1/2 espresso shots and the tears of my children, and 0 calories?
No hassle, no remakes. Exactly what you ordered, every time.
Goddess of Fried Shrimp. In my contentment, you will e're taste the seasoned crisp of perfect batter, the luscious and delicate flesh will give way beneath your teeth in a steamy brine of oceanic goodness, and the dipping sauce will caress your palate with the tenderness and devotion of a lover. In my wrath, you will gnaw through rubbery bits of meat, almost distracted enough by the soggy, raw batter to ignore the essence of whore loins emanating from the greasy coating of simultaneously over- and under-cooked crustacean.
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:08:46 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of avocados. Deliciousness for the enjoyment of all!
God of locking your keys in your car. Fail to pray to me at least once a week and you could be stuck in the Home Depot parking lot, 6 miles away from the job site you really need to be at in like 30 minutes.
Squillem ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:09:52 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The God of extra pieces from Ikea furniture that you just finished assembling.
God of Unkinked Water Hoses. Dragging that 100 foot hose all the way to the back yard? Better offer up some prayers first. Or I swear it will get caught on every corner, shrub, car tire and kid's toy that you pass. Don't even think of turning on the faucet expecting it to flow the first time without making a small tribute in my name.
Hazcat3 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:10:29 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Corelle, Goddess of unbreakable dishes.
If appropriately appeased I will mend dishes/crockery of all kinds. Particularly useful if you are a clumsy museum employee and break an 18th century Qing but also valued by the most humble and frugal homeowner. Beware, once my favor is granted your dishes will never break and you earn my wrath if you throw them out because you don't want to look at them anymore. Pass them respectfully on to a family member and I may be merciful.
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:10:33 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I am the God of That Thing Where You're Just About to Sneeze and Then Your Friend Is All "Hey, What's Up" and You Suddenly Freeze But Then You Still Have That Nose Tingle It's A Horrible Tease
And You're Like "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK!!!!!"
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:10:40 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The God of capturing and returning all the thoughts you lose right before you are about to say them.
the God Of Coca-Cola, with my friend being the Pepsi God, we go back and forth constantly, every now and then his girlfriend chimes in with RC and that is the only time we are on the same side
I'm surprised no one has claimed this power yet. I'll be the god of Internet buffering. Please me and you will never struggle with load times, even when your phone only has 2 bars of 3G. Anger me, and no bandwidth will save you from an eternity of THIS
Everything that goes bad in a funny way where you want to cry but you laugh anyway? That's my doing.
pajamasx ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:11:10 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of your mom
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:11:34 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Goddess of waiting in line. If you plan on being rude to the clerk/person at the other end of the line, well, you'll have a long time to wait. If you plan on being nice, you'll get straight through.
Im going to be the god of mistyping
Every time you kit the wrong key on your keyboard thats me, surprise motherfuckers
Kanotari ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:12:53 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I shall be the goddess of the Department of Motor Vehicles, gatekeeper to Satan's minions, and the blight upon the impatient. If you have truly pleased me, I will bless your the lines so that you might actually be helped in fewer than seven galactic standard hours. If I chose to smite you, you will discover that you have filled out form T-397A instead of T-397B and must leave the line to sate my ange
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:12:59 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I'd be the God of moving sidewalks in airports, praying to me guarantees you can walk down it instead of standing without tripping and smashing your face on the floor.
dexstrat ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:14:12 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of washing machines. Fuck your socks, you have to buy double the pairs.
I'd be the God of toilet paper. Appease me and you'll never run out. Anger me and I'll be sure it's out before you wipe. Face the walk of shame for the rest of your life!
Can I please be the god of public transport, pray to me to make sure that the sweaty smelly person doesn't sit next to you again. If you do me wrong I will make you late for work.
Shanack ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:16:05 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The god of being unbelievably comfy, then frustrated because you have to get up to pee, the relieved as you return and get just as comfortable..
I'd be the God of the 5-Minute snooze that seems to last forever. Smiting would entail waking with a panicked feeling that you've slept-in and missed whatever you needed to wake up for.
Tangled headphone cords. You pretended not to see that guy drop his books? Muahahaha your headphones are going to get caught on a door handle.
MrNPC009 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:17:52 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of lighters and smoking paraphernalia.
Stay within my good graces, and you will always get one last hit from your bowl and a lighter blessed at my altar will always be returned from that scumbag that pocketed it.
God of "Don't worry, that thing you did at the pub last night isn't as bad as you think it is. In fact everyone else was so drunk by that point as well that no one even noticed"
God of stuttering. Worship hard for perfect speeches, and flawless roasts. Forget to pray? Cursed with the stuttering of porky pig.
Telhelki ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:18:33 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of Simplified Explanations. The greater the sacrifice (US cash only), the more simplified the explanation.
For example: asking my oracle to explain how a microwave works with a sacrifice of $5, you would be told, "it uses radiation to heat up what is inside." Now if you bump that sacrifice up to $10, the response would be, "it makes food hotter."
I would be the Goddess of arriving on time. Pray to me and I'll make sure you'll always get the green traffic light, no obstructions on your way to go someplace..and you always leave the house without having to go back because you forgot something.
I'd be the God of writing utensils. Pray to me and I shall grant that your pen or pencil or whatever you write with shall not be misplaced or taken by a heathen who I allowed theirs to be misplaced because they don't believe in me. I accept incremental amounts of pen ink and broken graphite as sacrifice.
I would handle all of the mundane prayers. When people pray for a good test grade or for good weather, I'll be there to do the exact opposite to teach them not to interfere with my divine plan.
I'd be the god of toothpaste foam; at the end of your 2 minutes of recommended brushing will you look like a rabid dog or a Crest commercial actor? I also team up with the intern of orange juice to spite those that ignore me.
I am Cola, goddess of overpressurized carbonated beverages. Call upon me by thumping on the top of your can, or reciting a prayer while slowly turning the plastic cap, and you shall receive my mercy. Failure to do so will result in a torrent of my fizzy wrath upon everything you own and love.
The God of the incorrect fast food order! If you have been good, you will receive more items, and extra ketchup than you have asked and paid for. If you have been bad, oh if you have been bad, you will receive everything you specifically requested be removed, and one item of your wife's meal will be forgotten.
I want to be the god of "Remote Controls" I want prayer and supplication every time someone loses the remote and needs to find it again. They can also pray for help configuring them instead of codes.
i'll be the god of everything battery related. When you find it weird that those brand new batteries you bought a week ago are now dead you know you pissed me off.
I would be the god of the renegade fry. So everytime you find the curly fry with your regular fries and vice versa.
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:27:26 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I would pick being the god of making you forget that one thing you needed for the day to be successful the moment you realized its too late to go back and get it.
God of sitting. I choose whether or not that's a good place to put a bench in the park. I choose the time limit you have of sitting before your ass really really hurts. I choose if your seat on the bus will have subtle stains of shit. If you get that seat, just know that you deserve it. Is the seat leveled out well? No? Deal with it... You can't. I'm the God of sitting. It's dirty job, but it's my job.
This reminds me of the Starbomb song where, in God of war XIII I think it is, Kratos is looking for obscure gods to kill. I would be the god of silent but deadly farts
kadaeux ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:28:32 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The God of AMA's, if you anger me I will unleash angry redditors at you.
Kjellvis ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:28:37 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I would be the god of quality foot wear. St. Hubbins would be my most devout disciple whose name sake was the lead singer for Spinal Tap
jscythe ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:28:54 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I'd be the God of the pee trickle. Pray to me throughout the duration of your tinkle and you might not get a sprinkle on your pants that everyone can see.
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:30:02 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The god of bro-ing out.
soloborn ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:30:16 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I'd be the God of Dishes. For those who worship me all filth will easily slip of the dishes. For those who dare blaspheme the filth will dry up and stick to even the sleekest of cutlery.
I'd be the god of all those items by the cashier check-out in a retail store. I'd be an evil deity that tempts your children and you to buy things like candy bars, soft drinks, "as seen on TV" items, and tabloid magazines right as you're about to leave the store. None shall escape my wrath!
I will be Criticus Pathicus, the god of insufficient planning.
Were you too stupid to pull a Scotty and overestimate your estimate to your boss? Then pray to me and I'll get your project cancelled long before you're ever asked to deliver!
Did you misidentify the critical path? I'll make everything take so much longer that by the end it WILL be the critical path!
Did you overbudget your project and forget to make sure your credit and debit columns matched? I'll get your boss arrested for embezzlement and let you sweep your mistake under the rug!
Did you forget to write down everyone's orders before you went out to buy lunch for everyone? I'll give them all heart attacks before you have to embarrass yourself by calling the office to reconfirm everyone's orders!
All I ask is you give me every single child you conceived because you forgot to use a condom. See? Even when I take I give! I am truly a merciful, baby-eating god!
kuyatoby ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:31:01 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I'd be the god of toilet paper, if you upset me, I'll ensure the public stall you rushed into to take care of business in does not have any toilet paper in it.
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:31:11 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of ass wipe.
If you're in my grace, your poop will run smoothly and you have a smooth clean wipe.
Loose my grace and it will get messier and messier to the point where you will use half of toilet paper rolls and spend lot's of time in a frustrating agony.
I'd be the god of watching your step. Never accidentally kick over a glass of water or step pong directly on your glasses.
But don't you slight me, you bastards, or it'll be midnight LEGO pieces and phantom stairs for the rest of your life!
God of yawning (since when you want to but can't, it's really unbearable).
nickins ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:31:53 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Schadenfreude.
Gr1pp717 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:31:57 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of nothing.
Nothing in the sense of staycations, "working from home" and just overall laziness. Need to paint the house this weekend? Fuuuuuck that, man. You got redditing/gaming/sleeping/drinking to do.
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:31:59 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I'm the god of tits and wine
Amanoo ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:36:05 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)*
I'm sorry, that position has already been taken by Bacchus/Dionysos.
I would be the god of shower beers.
-we celebrate single twenty somethings going out on the town
-we sooth middle aged deck builders on hot summer saturdays
-we all come together as apres skiers.
Goddess of online activities. Please me and no one will never know about your strange fetishes. Anger me and I will make sure that there is a power outage at the most inopportune time.
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:32:32 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I would be the god of the left lane . Anger me and there will be a driver in the left lane going 20 under and a person right next to you doing the same speed! Pray to me and the traffic shall part!
God of dropping your perfectly good controller on the ground jamming a button and/or the God of having to keep at least in part of your body on the furniture while reaching for it instead of getting up.
God of Unfortunate Chains of Events, worship me good, and you may find the elevator on your floor, or and empty cashier in the supermarket in the morning. On the contrary, you may forget your car keys on the cashier and remembered 15 mins after closing time.
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:33:24 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Secretary of the Gods. I maintain the list of which supernatural creatures, demi-gods, heroes, etc. are and are not divine, who is owed favors by which other God, etc.
Then like Stalin, I use my essential role in the bureaucratic process to outmaneuver and eliminate my rivals and become the primary god.
The God of the Internet. Be good to me and you shall have no problems, no spam, all legit transactions, etc.
Get on my bad side and you shall have internet connection problems when you need it most, you shall get all the viruses, etc.
Wondering thoughts like a sub level muse. Worship me and you will think of brillance and actually remember it long enough to put it to use.
7ate9 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:33:48 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Simon, the God of Hairdos; or Geoff, the God of Biscuits!
McLyan ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:33:56 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Cheese. God of cheese. Chermes
FrostySt ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:33:59 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I'd like to be the god of deciding what to eat for dinner. The answer is always pizza.
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:34:12 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I'd be the God of occasionally nudging your subconscious so you glance at your phone when it's precisely 11 minutes past 11.
rtop ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:34:32 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The God of Songs Stuck in Your Head. Oh that would be a fun one. "Let it go! Let it go! Can't hold it back any more!" I would need a pretty big promotion to give that one up.
I'm told I already have some powers in this area, and have not used them entirely for good.
The god of fixing things by being in the general proximity to the end user and end device.
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:34:38 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The God of Ink.
I will give you the best pens, my children.
Weave27 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:34:42 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I will be Weave27, god of "what do you want to do tonight?"
I will decide what we will be doing/eating/ watching every night.
Crislips ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:34:47 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I would be the God of choosing from a box of assorted chocolates. If you pray to me and are good, you will get something delicious and worthwhile. Otherwise, you will be getting a disappointing waste of calories and will regret your decision until the taste leaves your mouth.
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:34:48 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I will do the unfortunate duty of being the God of cleaning toilets. Figured I can get a slight pay raise with all my current shit cleaning experience
Staktaz1 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:34:51 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The God of Tentacles.Simply put I would rule Japanese hentai.
I be the Lord of decent fiction sections in libraries and bookstores! Grant me your undying love and you will find in your hands that new Chuck Palahniuk novel you've been dying to read, or perhaps something by David Sedaris! Deny me, and I'll curse you with dyslexia.
arigaa ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:35:06 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I'm the god of mild annoyances. Ever get gum on the bottom of your shoe? Ever trip just a little but not fall down? That's me. Just slightly ruining your day. Sacrifice a gold fish to me to stop that shit.
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:37:22 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I would simply be the God of fluctuating internet. Through the power of my divine will, I will smite down your connect to a few Mbps whilst those who pray to me shall be blessed with stable, reliable internet at peak times.
moxy801 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:37:31 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Staying up late
krkr8m ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:37:43 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The god of remembering that embarrassing thing you did 5 years ago.
The god Dรฉjร Vu.
Honor me with some small ritual every day at the same time and I bless you by letting you revisit important moments you missed the first time around.
My curse is a weird feeling that there is a glitch in the digital program called the Universe.
I'll be the God of Flatulence. Adore me and I'll make sure your silent gases leave without a scent and desist from embarrassing you in public. Offend me and expect a change of underwear.
I would be the God of pouring the perfect pint; watching over bartenders all over the world, discretely giving their hands that slight nudge to pour the perfect pint.
God of public bathroom. Worship me so that in your time of need, you shall find a bathroom, and it shall be clean and stocked with plenty of toilet paper and have no cues.
God of Salad Bars. If you don't respect me, I'll make sure you get stuck behind that indecisive, picky guy with poor coordination who takes three minutes picking the exact lettuce leaves he wants.
God of shopping lines. Be good, you get no line or a short quick one. Piss me off and you will be stuck behind the person who can't find their cash, credit card, or forgot an item on their list
Save4321 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:44:44 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I'm an atheist then
nowes ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:43:19 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of WiFi
Keep me happy and all your rooms shall be covered and the signal unbroken make me angry and you get just enough signal to try to use it but too little to be any use, unlike your neighbor that you hate who gets full signal (from your router)
(don't try to password protect it either or i might make a deal with my colleague passwordicus god of forgetting passwords)
Thrysh ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:43:24 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I am the God of clean public restrooms. Pray to me and you will never be fouled with a veritable shit-storm of filth when you need to pee 5 hours into that road trip. Don't piss me off though...
Save4321 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:43:41 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of socks. I am in charge of the sock heaven to which all the missing socks from the washing mashine go after they have died a painful, spinning death.
Bad hair day? Not with me as your best friend. Suddenly it's the new look.
Tanisha thinks she's so hot? Well suddenly her outfit is like, SO last season.
And even while I'm saying this, I know I wouldn't be able to keep up with current trends. At some point I'll probably just start phoning it in or trying to fuck with people.
I would be recallus, the God of remembering why you came into this room. Send a brief prayer to me, & I will bring that absent thought back to the front of your brain. Sing my praises daily, and you will never have brain freeze.
I would be the god of hangovers. An angry, wrathful god that must be appeased with copious amounts of meade.
Jchud002 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:47:52 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Gluten
zeroecho ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:47:54 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Personal Item Battery Charge Limit... keep me happy and I'll your phone good til you find a charger... piss me off and you'll miss that last IMPORTANT text you need.
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:48:21 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Tossing stuff into the trashcan from across the room. Praise Lord BuCket$ of the hopeful toss. The ultimate do or die of social etiquette. Your sacrifice will be rewarded as I guide your spiralbound notebook scraps to glory. Raise your fists skyward and revel in my blessings. Verily, A great steer's blood on my altar will grant your soda can passage through the recycling bin hole at 20 yards. But Beware my wrath. Shouldst thou anger me, I will be sure that all of your sloppy trash hits the floor, no matter how close you are. Clearing your tray at Arby's? The swinging trash door now is heavy as the stone tablets upon which you found these words. My fury will prevent you from even peeing standing up without making a mess. Your wife will be forced to sit in your piss. Your children will hate you for causing the divorce and ultimately you will beg me for mercy as you attempt to throw away your last photos of them and they fall to the floor face up over and over again.
dedden ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:48:41 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I'd be the God of Questionable Farts. Those in my good graces are noted by their skidmark-free underwear, while those who stir my wrath face embarrassing waddles to the nearest restroom.
Hahah The God of battery life! Thought you were going to watch a video on your phone on the bus without headphones eh? Not under my minimal godship!
Star64 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:49:04 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Not necessarily a god, but I would probably work in marketing and social media. Think about it - just about every organization NEEDS marketing done for them and I'd think a group of gods would love someone to keep up a good image for them. Also, I like the idea of creatives praying to an alter of me before delivering a pitch or something. So therefore, I'd be the god of marketing.
The god of junk drawers. I can choose to give you all the rubberbands you need or I can make that wood glue leak all over the box of matches. As long as I'm placated with expired coupons and takeout menus I'll be a generous god.
I'd be the God of seeing attractive people in public. Praise me, and the girl handing you your Wendy's through the drive-thru window will be both cute and at least 18 so you don't feel guilty about thinking she's cute. Anger me and it will be a man.
drwuzer ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:49:29 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The goddess of walking with bare feet. I protect my followers from stubbed toes, athletes foot, and Lego blocks. My best followers will always step on the softest bit of grass/carpet. Those who anger me will suddenly find a lot of children's toys and jagged rocks in their way.
Fairness. Not Justice, that's obviously taken, but fairness, in the super petty, childish sense. Like how a 7-year-old gets mad that it's "unfair" her older brother gets to stay up an hour later. Those are the prayers I'd answer, meting out righteously stubbed toes and glitched DVR recordings.
But, see, at all the god parties, I could sort-of-not-really-but-kinda-yeah gloss over the difference and let people think I was a god of Justice.
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:50:03 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The god of miraculously catching something that falls off the table/counter before it hits the ground.
rrmarti ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:50:06 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of Satellite Dishes. Appease me, and your signal shall be as clear and crisp as a warm summer day. However, if you invoke my wrath, you'd better believe you're not going to be watching much TV if a cloud happens to be in the sky.
I am the goddess of social anxiety. If I like you, during one of those moments where you're mortified and want to disappear, I'll grant you temporary invisibility to make your escape or transport you to your bedroom with a large stuffed animal to hug while you cry.
God of convincing yourself you have some form of a disease so after you stress and get more grey hairs worrying about said disease you finally go to the doctor just to have them tell you that you're perfectly healthy. Then repeat twice more.
I would be the Goddess of timed traffic lights. Piss me off and it's every red light for you!
Yishae ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:51:30 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I'm the god that plays your favorite song right before you get to where ever you're going. If you have faith in me then I will make sure the song ends right when you pull in your parking space. If you disobey me, then the song starts as you are parking and you don't have time to sit and jam.
I'd be Bullshiticus, god of bullshitting college essays. Pray to me, and I'll help you make that essay 5 pages longer. If you use my name in vain, I'll make you struggle to lengthen even the shortest paragraph.
I'd have a shrine in every dorm room in the United States
The god of when two people are walking towards eachother on the sidewalk and continuously step in the same direction while attempting to pass by eachother. Ultimately saying "sorry" repeatedly.
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:52:04 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I would be the god of potholes. Please me and I shall spare your axle.
Anger me and you shall feel the wrath of a million tiny bumps so you cannot sip your coffee while driving to work without risking a spill!
The god of quality conversations. My altar would be on back porches and you would sit with buddies smoking cigars to me. Spurn me and all conversations will be peppered with references to front page Reddit posts from a couple weeks ago.
I would be Lord of Sandwich Filling to Bread Ratios.
If pleased with your snack, I would ensure that the bread maintained a 2:1 ratio with the filling at all times. If angered, you would ejaculate grape jelly all over your new workmate.
The God of Public Restrooms. Honor me and the time you need a bathroom it has been cleaned and has toilet paper stocked, anger me and I shall smite thee with the most rancid portapotty without a shred of anything to use to wipe your soiled rectum.
AATYKON ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:55:35 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Reminds me of a song from Starbomb, titled God of no more. Pretty new to reddit posting so I'm not sure what's proper etiquette, but I'll just put the hyperlink here: https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=KwHYeGPauhk
I'd be the god of memories. Good or bad or neutral memories. On my good side you remember good things more. On my bad side? All those awkward memories or bad memories torment you.
TorchCG ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:57:54 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I would be the god of Leveled Furniture.
You can make your enemies tremble with your beautifully stable chairs and tables, and no picture frame would be slightly angled again.
itrv1 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:57:57 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of "That was fucking sweet I hope that someone else was there to see it so I can tell the story and not be called a liar"
Possibly the god of content writing. If you leave a nice offering at my altar, I'll make sure you never get stumped when writing about those completely dull topics.
God of the Odd Sock. Should a sock be separated from its respective partner I will use my wizardly ways to repair them.
rob7030 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:58:36 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I'd be the god of Podcasts with fewer than 30 listeners.
nappa15 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:58:38 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of college student procrastination. Failure to offer due diligence of worship will mean: your printer's black ink runs out when you are trying to print a half-hour before your paper is due, your stapler is no where to be found and now you're that guy with the folded corners on your paper trying to hold 10 pages together, and you will go to submit that take home exam at 8pm, but this one was actually due at 5pm! Even though both the others were due at 8pm earlier in the semester! Why would the professor set a different deadline on this one!?! Proper supplication will result in: your class being canceled the Friday your final research paper is due, your professor will allow you to skip the final if you are happy with your grade up to that point, and your's will be the shitty paper the professor just give a b+ to when he's tired of reading shitty papers about high school football and cheer leading.
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:59:09 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I'd be the goddess of broken promises. If you say you'll never commit a certain sin again as long as I give you the outcome you want, I'll give you that outcomeโbut whenever you inevitably re-commit that sin, I'll come for you. }:)
God of traffic. I am not easy to please, but you'll get to work eventually, probably before you're late, but certainly eventually. just be thankful for that.
Morgrid ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:59:43 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of Fasteners.
Or stuck fasteners
snorin ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:59:49 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
id be the god of correctly fitting pants, no longer will you need a belt as long as you give your self up to a higher well fitting power, me.
I would be the god of coffee shops. Baristas won't ever have to worry about decaffing assholes. I'll make sure it happens. Taking a selfie with your drink becomes a mortal sin. My worshippers are rewarded with the best lattes and pastries in the galax.
I want to be the god of cookery. I won't be able to make you an amazing chef, but I can ensure you don't burn your food. Also I can help your food taste marginally better to impress the date you have over.
I would be the God of a perfect Christopher Walken impersonation. Whoa!
OGisaac ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 20:02:58 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Mic pop filters.
oEMPYREo ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 20:03:12 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I would be the God of traffic lights. I will be a gracious God if you sing praise of my name. You pray to me when you decide to leave for work 10 minutes before you need to be there. I will bless you with synchronized lights; all green.
But anger me and you surely will feel the wrath. I will make you consider walking 5 miles because there's no way these lights could each stop you for 2 minutes one by one.
miner836 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 20:03:24 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
If you don't pour a little out for me I'll wrinkle your popped collar or make your spray tan too orange.
If you try to rape a girl you'll get too drunk and shit yourself.
If you treat ladies kindly and not as a slam pieces, I'll ensure that no one keys your BMW parked in 2 spaces and that your parties play jams which you can perfectly pump your fist to.
The God of Faulty Spacial Awareness. When you think you have enough clearance to walk, drive, cycle, or pass an object through a tight gap, but you overestimate how wide the gap is, and underestimate the size of yourself/car/bike/object and crash/crush/destroy everything.
Alarm clocks. Sing my praises and kneel in awe or forever be late mortals!
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 20:06:49 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The god of that thing where you're just about to sneeze, but then your friend says "Hey whats up" and you suddenly freeze but you still have that nose tingle and its a horrible tease and you're like "FUCK!".
I would be the god of traffic safety, because where I live, there is no such thing to civilians; that kind of thing really only applies to law enforcement.
Awemage ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 20:09:12 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)*
I would be the god of the Internet, specifically the speed, reliability and quality of it.
Everyone now has Comcast and their support because I want to watch the world burn.
Every time you click a YT link, you get most of the way through your video until suddenly endless buffering leaves you at a cliffhanger. Every time you refresh the page the video quality reduces.
Each time you click an Imgur link, the picture loads the first few lines of pixels, then stops. Subsequent refreshes let a few more lines in at a time, until it's just above that part you really want to see. Then the cycle repeats.
When you've got that research paper due in 6 hours and it's 4AM, Wikipedia is down, no matter how many times you refresh.
And the speed any other time is just slow enough to be absolutely infuriating, but not slow to the point that it's unusable.
The god of holding onto things. If I am pleased, you won't drop anything. If I am angered, have fun dropping whatever is in your hand on a whim, mortals.
RakishiM ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 20:10:23 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Goddess that keeps you from stubbing your toes, jamming your fingers, hitting your shoulders, getting a pebble in your shoe, and kneeing yourself in the face.
donac ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 20:10:32 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
E-mail, hands down. It's like the Loki or the trickster of the mundane tasks. Oh, sure. You think you were clear about what you wanted in your e-mail, but that's not how it's gonna go down!
mo11er ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 20:10:46 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 20:12:02 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I would be the good god of stepping on Lego bricks, entry level position however as cruel and malevolent as Hades himself, let it be known that I am not a generous god.
God of Thrift, inspiring traders, thieves, and skin flints everywhere to strike deals and look for the quality within a price-cut. Want to rent a movie? Get a VHS, dude, they're like $0.89 now. Yes, the God of Thrift, who blesses those who choose to use their friend's laundry machine next door and backs him up when he goes to his landlord when it breaks down. Yea, the God of Thrift who blesses the landlord to replace said machine with another model from one of his nicer lots that is getting a brand new one installed by it's snooty, "Ew, somebody's dirty underwear was washed in this and I caAaan't stand it" tenants. Behold, the God of Thrift, damning those who get every new year's iPhone for the sake of it and gifting last year's models and jailbreaking them for tree fiddy per.
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 20:14:03 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I'd like to pick a God-job that will have a lot to do so that I can move up the pantheon quickly. I'll be the God of online applications. 700 prayers at my altar will grant you one tenth of a fuck to be given. Maybe.
Reikaosu ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 20:14:13 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Videogames. I'd get myself and my girlfriend to be the twin dieties of gaming, she'd be the RNGoddess, and I'd be the patron of skill. We'd quickly rise through the ranks to become the most powerful beings in the universe.
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 20:14:20 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
You sneeze, out of no where you hear a soft voice just say, "Bless You" or "Gesundheit".
To me it has always felt nice when someone said to me "Bless You" or "Gesundheit" after I sneeze, and no matter when and where, I always say one or the other when someone else sneezes.
Though, some people might freak out over the disembodied voice.
Goddess of hiccups. Pray to me and I will allow you to abstain from the drunk painful hiccups, scorn me and your torment will never end even if you have your friend scare you and you try all your Great-Aunt Ethel's hiccup cures.
VekinKG ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 20:15:59 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I'd be the God of 1% battery life and gas tank on E. Pray to me and you'll make it long enough to plug in or fill up.
Mac33 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 20:16:23 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of Printers. It's really boring so I just fuck with people. At the worst possible time.
woohhaa ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 20:16:24 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
In my good graces, because you consistently park between the lines and generally aren't an asshole driver? Those awesome spots right next to the door will suddenly open up as soon as you arrive. People will always be getting into their car to leave, and you'll always be sitting there when they pull out of the spot right in front of you.
But, if you're an asshole driver, park outside the lines, or (gods forbid) you cut someone else off and steal their spot, (because seriously, they've been sitting there with their blinker on waiting for the person to pull out. They clearly had dibs on it before you even showed up,) then you'll be cursed to circle the full lot three times before finally finding a spot in the very back the next time you need to park. Oh, and that spot will be facing the sun, and your windshield sunshade will rip in half when you try to use it.
When you wish you had an extra hour before you had to go to work or get some important assignment finished or something, you pray to me. If I find your plea sincere you would find yourself with one more hour for your benefit. However, do not abuse such things, or I may be slow to give unto you.
I would be the goddess of toilet paper. I decide whether you get soft, fluffy 3-ply or translucent, thinner-than-paper, (barely) 1-ply. Do not anger the gods, for the sake of your butthole.
God of that feeling when you really need to sneeze and you try your best to get yourself to sneeze but the feeling goes away, but then you all of a sudden sneeze like three minutes later and it totally catches you off guard. That is my full title and any mother fucker who skips on it will suffer delayed sneezes for the rest of their days.
The God of appropriate spell check/ auto correct suggestions. I accept ducks as sacrifice. You can summon me by yelling shut three times while standing on the banks of a duckling ditch and forking awhile.
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 20:21:07 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I would be the god of pens, I reward bountiful ink and smite non believers with pens that at first have no ink, so you scribble then I flood the paper with inky goodness, thus wrecking your day.
Demigod of toilet paper. When in a public restroom you have to offer me a sacrifice of your dignity to make sure 1) there is TP in the stall and 2) it is 3 ply or more.
mullac53 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 20:21:11 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I'm late into the god game. But I'm truly one of the most important-ish gods of all.
The god of not getting that last little bit of pee in your underwear. I'd be the God who means you shake twice and then you're done, none of that last little bit as soon as you put your dick away.
You're welcome men. Feel free to worship me by pissing as high as possible in the urinal
I would be God of the Blankets. When you get into bed, if you have had a sinless day, I will make sure that your cover/quilt/duvet is just right. Not too heavy on you, but not paper light, and it will keep just the right amount of warmth in it, so you don't get too hot or too cold
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 20:24:21 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I would be the god of toilet paper. If you dare to misuse the toilet paper, I'll get my revenge by making sure that you will be 1 piece of paper short the ext time you take a shit.
Thandius ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 20:24:49 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I would be the god of plugging in USB cables.... if you upset me it will take you many tries to plug in that cable and will only insert if you have turned it at least 3 times. If you please me it will slide in satisfyingly on the first attempt.
I am the God of making you get up from bed to go pee in the middle of the night even thought you're warm and cozy. For I am an evil God that wants you to never get a good nights sleep.
The god of cables. I would keep them tidy and in good working in order for the faithful. For everyone else, an incomprehensible jumble of knotted and broken leads.
Blujay12 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 20:29:12 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of That One Cloud That Blocks The Sun That Is Blinding You Currently.
And I would be Called "Heh" or "TOCTBTSTIBYC"
TO summon me just scream "HEH!!?!!?" at the top of your lungs, the more confused you sound the faster the service.
AdamsDJ ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 20:29:38 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
i'd be the god of biscuits. If you want your biscuits to be nice and flaky, you best not piss me off.
KFC's biscuits are all going to be stones until they start making their chicken well again.
Make sacrifices unto me, and that irritating little shit that won't leaveth you alone in an online game is going to get an untraceable decrease in internet connection speed, not quite dial-up slow, but close to it.
I shall be the god of retail employees. Pray to me and make necessary sacrifices and you shall receive happy intelligent customers. Anger me and 500 rednecks half drunk and brimming with size issues shall visit you.
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 20:30:07 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The God of Children's Public Tantrums
Cookie? For me? No? Well then.....
Fatjim3 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 20:30:11 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of Things that get Stuck in Drawers. Every rattle and curse is a prayer to me.
God of Stable WiFi connectivity. Pray to me, offer your sacrifices, and I will assure you a connection so perfect, you could outperform ethernet cables, even while loading multiple movies and downloading many torrents!
So, Dionysis is the Greek god of drinking and partying, but what about the other drugs?
If snoop dog hasn't already taken the position, I'll gladly take the position as God of Smoking.
If I can't have that, then I want to take a position as the god of internet browsing. If you displease me your connection shall be slow and your web pages laden with shitty scripts that make them run slowly.
If you please me you shall have Google fiber and no ads!
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 20:30:22 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Dank Memes
Digdut ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 20:30:32 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Lord of the game. And by that I mean god of arcades.
By my name, WaffleGoddess. Pray to me by getting syrup in every single little divot and I will make sure your waffles are always hot, slightly crispy on the outside, never soggy, and that you have exactly the right ratio of butter/syrup to waffle in every bite. (Add fried chicken to your dish of waffles and you will be granted express entry into Heaven.)
Anger me and the best you'll get is burnt Eggos.
St3vil ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 20:32:54 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of Lag. I'm already really awesome at it anyway
Imprint ye my scriptures on thy face my acolyte, by placing your head on it's soft pillowy surface, for the words are many and lengthy but dreaming is short and precious.
Be ever grateful to he who rouses gently the fretful sleeper and not snap at him who requires that things be done, for those without the blessing of naptime are damned in their skins to a life of weary emptiness.
Be as calm as ye lie down as ye wish to be when ye wake, put aside the cares that lead to anxieties and stress, for these are the source of unpleasant dreamings.
When your sister or brother sings hymns to my name be glad of their rest but perhaps gently prod them and ask them to roll over a little that you might join them in my song.
Praise Scoob! For he brings you rest.
tiltldr ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 20:33:47 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The god of Mornings.
I would possess the godly power to ruin or make anyone's day before it even begins.
God of remembering you need to do something right when you get comfortable in bed. You don't know what it is. So you can't sleep and aren't comfortable anymore.
The God of trusty farts. Never shall my followers fear a shart and the most devout shall always successfully place blame on someone else for their thunder down under.
I'll be the god of putting songs in your head while you sleep.
lafephi ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 20:34:49 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Goddess of text messages. Piss me off and that one person you reeeallllly want to respond will never get it. Please me and I shall procure for you amicable texts of friendship or love while ensuring your ex's texts never go through.
Not mundane enough, they already have that iirc (Bastet from the Egyptian panthenon)
andimacg ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 20:35:24 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of the surprise day off work/school. Worship me and you will receive the call of destiny (random event that prevents workplace/school operating tomorrow).
I'd like to be the demigod of MX records. I'd report to Vint, God of DNS, and if your record was clean and correct I would make your messages flow like water. But get them wrong and I will make your mail traffic bounce through every satellite-linked Windows server in Moldavia before permanently listing you on every RBL in existence.
Seems like it would pass the time.
Jeffool ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 20:36:21 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
This is no ordinary, mundane, every-day thing. Biscuits are an art form. Unless you're talking about grands biscuits, those can rot in hell.
joggle1 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 20:36:23 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I'd be the god of the French Horn. When they're desperately trying to not crack a pitch, if they are extremely pious towards me, I may allow them to perform a single difficult piece without cracking. However, I am not a very generous god.
The God of Customer Complaints. I would serve as a judicator of sorts, inflicting customers who really have no right to be complaining about [insert service/product here] with terrible diarrhea. That, and bad luck for the next fiscal year.
For those who have legitimate cause to complain, if their complaint were sufficiently sound in logic then I would grant them the boon of a "refund" by ensuring they find the exact same amount of money they had previously paid, just lying on the ground the next time they go out for the day.
The God of 'Please don't call on me teacher I didn't study please please please'
thudly ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 20:37:08 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I want to be the god of inappropriate nipple erections. In an elevator with your boss? Boom! Nipple erections! Online at the grocery store with your teenage nephew? Boom! Nipple erections! On a first date with a lecherous pervert you really want to ditch? Boom Nipple erections!
The god of neurotically looking over your shoulder. I would have no malicious intent, it would just be hilarious to be the real reason everyone is afraid of walking around at night.
The God of Video Games.
Pray to me, and I'll help you out with that level.
Pray to me, and I'll make sure that Pokรฉmon that's ten levels above yours stays in the ball after three shakes.
avoral ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 20:38:11 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I'd be the god of conveying moods over text. With a prayer to me, just a little sliver of your intentions come through the messages you send and the ambiguity skews in your favor.
I work hand in hand with the Goddess of Positive Sentiment Override, naturally.
God of the TOOTHBRUSH! Piss me off and I will send your toothbrush to the gates of hell and / or send insects to feast and reproduce on your brush!
nartchie ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 20:39:06 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I would be the God of bowel movement. I would have my own scheduled church time that everyone wants to attend. Daily. And I would have the most sincere prayers.
I shall be the God of Free WiFi Connections. I accept sacrifices in forms of tears and broken dreams, in return you shall be granted instant connection to free WiFi hotspots. None of that "accept terms of use" shit.
The goddess of not being able to pick up that thing off the table/ground because you can't get your nail under it. If you please me, you can get it on the first try. If you offend me, the thing will be picked up... but dropped again immediately.
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 20:40:17 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I make erecting dicks go soft between foreplay and coitus.
Arikki ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 20:40:41 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I'd like to apply for a position of God of Mold. I figure things would pretty much take care of themselves yet people would make sacrifices nevertheless.
Corey307 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 20:40:53 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of the Deadlift. I would smile upon those with good form and steady them for heavy singles. Crossfitters get squat their form is an abomination.
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 20:40:56 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Goddess of squat. Pray to me when you must squat and sustain the squat longer than originally intended. Shit but no seat cover, cowgirl but no headboard. I am here for you.
God of procrastination. Sacrifice a few hyper-focused souls to me and you might get lucky with five minutes of doing what you need to before you go back to staring at the wall or browsing reddit(you poor bastard).
God Of Autocorrect, Autorectus. Pray to me and I shall ensure perfect syntax, otherwise I dont give duck about you.
Roaven ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 20:43:03 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
the God of Low-Effort Stealth
Turn your head so someone doesn't see your face, pretend you're looking at your phone so you don't get noticed. Put in earphones so people ignore you. Go around a corner when someone you don't like goes by. Really easy things that keep you from being noticed when you don't want to be
I figure I can work my way up to more intense stealth, but you have to start somewhere
The God of immediately regretting choices. I'm the little warning you ignore before putting your foot in your mouth. I accept no offerings and heed no prayers. Sucks to be you.
You were reading on your break, but you lost your bookmark. Oh no! You need to get back to work or your boss is going to get mad, but you don't want to lose your spot. You throw up a quick prayer to the god of makeshift and mental bookmarks and lo(!) you realize that old receipt has been on the break room counter for 10 months and nobody has claimed it. It is perfect.
Alternatively, you realize you are on page 100 exactly and you are just about to start a chapter from your favorite character's pov so of course you won't forget that.
Rainspa ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 20:48:00 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Oh goddess of Walmart, how amazing you are! Please bless my favorite worker Dude, who has the most awesome beard/mustache, and is the friendliest guy there, and remembers my name and asks about my daughter when I go in.
The god of dancing alone at a party because you don't care.
hdashshh ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 20:48:56 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I'd be the god of mundane conversation. Piss me off and all you get is how about that ... weather... sports team ... sad life event that you don't care about. Keep me happy I will grace you with tales of humorous event from the night before or conversations that let you enter them smoothly with knowledge.
Goddess of the crap drawer, that drawer in your house that holds all the string, rubber bands, super glue, loose buttons, paper clips, pens, picture hooks etc, that would be my domain, honour me with only brand new batteries or FEAR my wrath!
I would be the God of Getting the Printer To Work at the Last Second. Do you have a report due, hope you said your prayers. Need to print off an email as you're running out the door; did you make a burnt offering?
soychild ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:54:14 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I would control the fate of toast.
I'd ruin the days of so many.
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 14:00:04 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I'm the god of those drawers that everybody has in their kitchen. The drawer with batteries, old watches, electrical tape, some broken zap straps and a baggy of screws that you can't remember the origins for.
Dizi4 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 20:00:05 on November 6, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of science/paradoxes
I may or may not be real...
fritopie ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 21:11:43 on November 16, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The goddess of the cheapest gasoline prices in town. Idk why but I always know where to find the cheapest gas in whatever town I happen to be in for more than a day.
The god of checking your inbox on websites. If anyone is compulsive about it like me, I'll reap in all that sweet, sweet faith.
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:14:11 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of reminders. Post its, phone reminders. Little stuff. I deal with the people over at forgetfulness who, between you and me, are some scary motherfuckers.
Computer Boot Up Time. That little bit of time where you are like, "Come on come on!" or when you are just waking up, drinking your coffee and waiting for your machine to let you log in. That's my time, baby.
God of Drinking Water Fountain Pressure - if you displease me, I shall make it fluctuate!
jsreyn ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 13:24:25 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of Remote Controls. My followers never have to dig through the cushions looking for them, change the batteries, or struggle to find the right button to swap inputs.
I'd be the most popular god ever among the 50+ group.
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 13:25:02 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of those floating things in your vision.
Dishonor me and your vision shall be filled with a thousand randomly moving transparent object.
The God of that thing where you're just about to sneeze and your friend is all "hey, what's up?" and you suddenly freeze and you still feel that nose tingle it's a horrible tease and you're like "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK!"
The goddess of getting water out of your ear after you've been swimming or taken a shower. If you called on me, I would cause that amazing warm rush you feel when you turn your head sideways and stomp a few times and the water in your ears is suddenly freed and runs out.
harrick ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:57:40 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
You're the God we deserved just not the one we needed right now
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:09:23 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of getting just one more pin to fall when you're out bowling. Maybe it turns your 9 count into a strike. Maybe it breaks up a big split into an easier spare. Maybe you win that game by that one pin. Maybe
Side note: If you blame your bad pinfall on someone else (like the guy in charge of maintaining the lanes), you're on my spite list for all eternity. Enjoy your 7-10 splits that really should have been either the 7 or the 10, but not both.
I shall be Gaben, god of Steam purchases that you never install or play. Tithe to me during my seasonal sales events, for my prices are glorious and YOU NEVER KNOW, you might play that one game that you'll never play.
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:46:16 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I would be the god of trying to make liberals understand actions and consequences.
lbz2012 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 21:36:17 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Most flavors suck. Strawberry, Brown Sugar-Cinnamon, and Cherry are the only good ones. Also, if the package feels more heavier than it feels more lightier, pick that one because it's not yet stale and dry and crumbley. Finally, break the Pop-Tart up into 8ths and enjoy like a civilized person.
The god of stretching.
Work hard or sleep well and I shall bless thee with the pure essence of paradise when stretching the perfect stretch.
Disappoint me and I shall interup your stretch.
jetx29 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 23:25:49 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I would be the God of the traffic lights. Praise me and ye shall be blessed with fields of electric green. Anger me and be mired in the traffic abyss for all eternity...
vaIkyrie ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 23:44:14 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I would be the God of autocorrect changing 'fuck' to 'duck'.
God of surprise boners. Embarrassing young boys on the playground, creeping out ladies on the elevator and, putting a smile on your grandparents faces.
Influencing whether people can be bothered to start their day on time or not, and whether one-night-standers sneak out or sleep in, would be a subtle but hugely influential position.
lamehead ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 23:55:19 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I would be the God of traffic. My wrath is swift, my disdain for mere mortals going to and from work runs deep. Appease me and I may grant you HOV lanes. Dare to anger me and face road construction.
Bro0ce ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 23:56:55 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The god of not losing your wallet and keys when drunk.
Goddess of every day OCD:
-Did I switch the cooker off?
-Did I lock the door?
-Did I flush the toilet?
-Did I write my name on that form I just sent?
-Did I let the cat in?
...maybe you didn't
[deleted] ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 11:50:53 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
[deleted]
Yurei2 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 23:03:30 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
So the God of Eggtimers?
ironbody ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 13:55:53 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of the csgo unboxings.
[deleted] ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 13:19:44 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of making sure the toilet paper is hung the right way.
robo-CHE ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 17:58:04 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
"God of Office Policies"
I'd go around smacking anyone who micromanages employees and impose a worldwide restriction on any office policy not directly related to results/ performance.
[deleted] ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 18:15:19 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I would be the Porcelain God, heeding loyalty from all. Those who keep me happy simply provide offerings, but a spiteful Porcelain God inspires his worshippers to pray for forgiveness.
I would be the god of school. Appease me, and you can talk all you want during class, and sail by with an A on everything. Disrespect me, and watching grass grow will become a more interesting use of your time.
Maculate ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 20:07:19 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of Man-Made Cooling. A/C, fans, heck, I am even taking credit for ice cubes and cold drinks. Is this too OP for entry level?
ryanusm ยท -3 points ยท Posted at 11:30:55 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Hey thanks for Saturday night, oh great god of tits and wine. 10/10 will pray again.
aah07005 ยท -2 points ยท Posted at 12:01:17 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The god of sorting things alphabetically. But don't offer burnt books to me as sacrifice.
[deleted] ยท -1 points ยท Posted at 13:38:48 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of residual pee on your undies. My name would be Urineus. If you're a good boy your undies shall be clean all the time, otherwise your weewee would leak several drops of urine every 50 seconds.
[deleted] ยท -1 points ยท Posted at 14:52:56 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The God of homework. Sacrifice unto me six number 2 pencils and a 70 sheet notebook and I shall prevent homework for 1 day with only one entry per school per month allowed. If two sacrifices are made I double the homework, if three triple!
Weed. I love all kinds of drugs, but I can always manage to trade up from weed to whatever I need if I have the right amount. The God of Weed partakes in all the pleasures of the flesh and mind. And veins.
Delsana ยท -2 points ยท Posted at 13:33:19 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I am the God of insults. I'm more against them so whenever you use them I will be there judging you mercilessly.
[deleted] ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 16:29:32 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I want to be twins with another god. I want to be the God of high ping and she can be the godess of slow dsl rates.
Edit: auto-correct is the worst sometimes
Saved comment
Troub313 ยท 6346 points ยท Posted at 16:07:04 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I would be the God of remembering where you put that thing. Our altars are somewhere, we literally just saw them.
[deleted] ยท 2255 points ยท Posted at 17:10:47 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I'd rather be the god of forgetting what you were doing when you enter a room. Imagine how much fun that would be.
hearsay_and_rumour ยท 1571 points ยท Posted at 19:16:47 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
At least your church services would be short.
"There was something I was gonna preach about here, but I can't remember for the life of me. Oh well. Praise u/enig-o-matic. Amen."
vitey15 ยท 25 points ยท Posted at 20:57:50 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I needed you when I was 8. Bag of plain Cheerios only got me so far
TheGrandMaestro ยท 8 points ยท Posted at 22:47:10 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Praise be. Praise be.
DasJuden63 ยท 7 points ยท Posted at 04:50:20 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
FTFY
frogboxed ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 22:44:33 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Read that in Morgran Freeman's voice
superveryvery ยท 150 points ยท Posted at 19:43:58 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)*
the reason that happens is cos the doorway to a new room is what is called an event boundary in your brain.
your brain dumps what was learned or gathered in the room before to make space for new information in the next room... because your brain does this what you left the room for initially gets dumped too.
an easy way to not forget what you're leaving one room to another for, is to say what you're retrieving out loud while walking thru different rooms.
i guess, I'd be the god of tidbits.
Percipient24 ยท 9 points ยท Posted at 21:03:55 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
And this even happens in virtual environments! It doesn't have to be a physical door. http://news.nationalpost.com/news/study-shows-doors-can-be-linked-to-memory-loss
[deleted] ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 00:34:21 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I wonder if this is why I prefer open floor plans
YoungCorruption ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 21:02:41 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
You watch brain game too. Good show
Trees_For_Life ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 23:07:25 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I've heard that it happens because you just walked in on an ET doing something and he zapped you with the neuralizer
Lemerney2 ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 10:37:03 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
no its a dude playing the sims cancelling the action.
[deleted] ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 11:36:33 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
This is magnified by ten when on mushrooms. It's crazy how much walking through a door way will mess with your mind. It's almost like wiping the slate clean and having to regather everything that you were doing lol.
[deleted] ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 23:27:28 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
[deleted]
[deleted] ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 01:54:04 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)*
[deleted]
His_submissive_slut ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 03:28:52 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Cool! I'll remember that. Thanks! :)
[deleted] ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 23:19:22 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
It's the will of the gods! Foh with that science!
Atylonisus ยท 9 points ยท Posted at 19:10:40 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
So... How would I pray to you?
Mwk01 ยท 27 points ยท Posted at 19:18:35 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
You go to the Bannered Mare and ask a stranger to a drinking contest.
A_favorite_rug ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 20:55:36 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Last time I did that, I think I partied with a daedric prince, fucked a goat and then broke into a girls only temple.
Oh, also I think there was a giant's toe involved...
Mwk01 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:08:05 on September 10, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Sithis only knows.
jhuntington45 ยท 7 points ยท Posted at 19:52:53 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
love that quest <3
Troub313 ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 21:18:21 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I am so fine with being Sanguine.
BuhlakayRateef ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 22:20:35 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
"I am /u/enig-o-matic, God of... shit, what was I gonna say?"
[deleted] ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 20:01:07 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Yeah, imagine how cool if would be to... uh, hold on. shit, what was it you do?
Troub313 ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 21:16:34 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
This is also one of my domains, along with "Why did I open the Fridge?"
kdoodlethug ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 21:22:59 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
You could do some serious good (or evil) with that kind of power. End wars. Help people get away from kidnappers. All kinds of neat stuff.
08mms ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 21:25:52 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I imagine that god perched above the door frame with a long arm that reaches down when you walk by and a shit-eating grin on its face.
TalShar ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 21:48:35 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Your name would become a curse word used specifically in that situation.
whim8 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 22:34:44 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Imagine... Right before the President goes to make his State of the Union Address, BAM "umm ughh I forget what I was going to say"
[deleted] ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 23:07:52 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The reason for forget is because you walked in the room, saw an alien and then the MIB flashed you, thus you can't remember exactly your original reason.
chessgeek101 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 00:49:46 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Destinesia!
[deleted] ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 02:36:49 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Stop messing with my grandma! /s
iCiteEverything ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 09:58:06 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
You two could pair up. Try to find altar, walk into the room with the altar, forget what you were trying to do, leave and try to remember where the altar was....
Pinejelly ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 17:33:33 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Always happens to me, but on Reddit. Go to the sibreddit, open the submission box, then forgot what I want to post
TGx_Slurp ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 21:47:23 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I just saved this post from being eaten by Satan by being the 667th upvote. Can haz guld?
travisboatner ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 23:55:56 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
What would be crazier was if that existed...and we all just forgot about going every weekend
kh9hexagon ยท 466 points ยท Posted at 17:29:04 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Everyone would come into the temple for...shit, what was it? I know I came in here for something. What was it? Dammit!
writekindofnonsense ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 00:37:36 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Is there a fridge to open and stare into in this temple?
Troub313 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 01:39:59 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Several and they actually have new things when you look. Blessed is my temple. Also, I found an unwrappes poptart under your couch. Dibs.
meldyr ยท 49 points ยท Posted at 18:27:55 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Anthony of Padua is doing your job at the moment
dandaman0345 ยท 22 points ยท Posted at 19:21:41 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
If we count saints, all the positions are already filled! There is seriously a saint for repelling caterpillars.
mermaid_quesadilla ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 21:26:52 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Where do I get one of those necklaces
dave_g17 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:49:08 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
What's this saint's name? I tried googling it, but I found nothing.
RockLobster17 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 12:49:10 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Saint Anthony, Patron Saint of Lost Things.
Not sure how you failed searching for it, search Anthony of Padua and it's the first link
dave_g17 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:10:54 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
That link says nothing about repelling caterpillars though. That's what I'm curious about.
dandaman0345 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:13:57 on September 10, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
St. Magnus of Fรผssen. His wikipedia page doesn't mention it (certainly not his coolest patronage), but I found it on a few other sites. Here's one of them: http://catholicsaints.info/saint-magnus-of-fussen/
Troub313 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:42:22 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Yeah, but he is just a Saint. I am a God and I go to the gym and like I really like those books you like.
ASK_ABOUT_SUBSPACE ยท 23 points ยท Posted at 18:40:43 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I keep a St. Anthony medal on my keychain.
HostOrganism ยท 14 points ยท Posted at 18:52:38 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Now where'd you leave your keys?
ASK_ABOUT_SUBSPACE ยท 7 points ยท Posted at 18:57:57 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
They're in my pocket right no...oh, wait.
Troub313 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 21:19:08 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
WHERE'S YOUR ANTHONY NOW!?
whitnibritnilowhan ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 00:57:40 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
See, yeah. Came here to say, I'll take keys and the other sock, but no, here's greedyguts up here with "king of all brain farts". Fuck it, I'm taking glasses, too, then. And ya know what? YOU'RE ALWAYS GOING TO BE WEARING THEM. Every time. Hah.
dappermonto ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 21:01:17 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
San Antonio to the rescue at least once a month!
VivaLaPandaReddit ยท 11 points ยท Posted at 16:42:06 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I would sacrifice my first born child to you.
avajesslash ยท 38 points ยท Posted at 17:19:02 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Oh shit, where is my first born child....
Tyler8245 ยท 39 points ยท Posted at 17:59:09 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Probably still in the car.
Ouroboron ยท 14 points ยท Posted at 18:26:41 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
You certainly belong in /r/toosoon if you're not there already.
Or did I read that story on failbook?
Tyler8245 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 22:33:04 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I mean, can it really be too soon if it's been happening pretty much since modern cars have been around?
Ouroboron ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 23:01:55 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
If it was in reference to the most recently reported cooked kid, yeah, it could be. Or not. However you want to take it.
Tyler8245 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 02:28:16 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
It was
bohemica ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 18:46:57 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Autopilot disengaged.
Troub313 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 21:18:56 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
You already sacrificed him to me... You can have him back though he is right over... Oh dammit.
allaboutcharlemagne ยท 8 points ยท Posted at 17:20:09 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
If you would please introduce yourself to my husband, that would be wonderful. He seems to be under the impression that I am you. Maybe some sort of advertising to get awareness up would benefit you (and also me)?
Troub313 ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 21:19:24 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
HAVE AT YOU FALSE GOD! YOU ARE NOT ME!
riceislovericeislife ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 18:35:46 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The altars should state, "It's always in the last place you look."
greyjackal ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 18:25:46 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Isn't that a Monty Python reference? It rings a bell
Wildhalcyon ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 19:05:36 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I would be the God of Looking For Something While That Thing Is I'm Your Hand.
I can't tell you how many times I've wondered where my pen went, only to find that I'm holding it.
Troub313 ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 21:14:36 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I am also the God of "Oh man, the sun is bright if only I had something to protect my eyes" while a pair of sunglasses are on your head or your hat is backwards.
2OQuestions ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 23:14:58 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Married to the Goddess of You Stuck Your Pen in Your Ponytail
iknighty ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 19:07:28 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
"Our altars are somewhere, we remember where, but you don't."
mi_esposa_me_espia ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 18:53:34 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I can literally picture your altars in every spot in my house when I close my eyes.
KhazM ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 19:21:33 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The God of Lost Keys?
blooheeler ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 19:26:58 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The God of Have You Looked in That Kitchen Drawer That Has the Batteries and Cords to Phones You Don't Own Anymore?
lindzmariexx ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 19:30:14 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I didn't learn until recently that literally everyone has a junk drawer. I just thought my family was weird... and had a lot of partially used C batteries.
Kaioxygen ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 21:42:26 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
A friend shall lose his friend's hammer and the young shall not know where lieth the things possessed by their fathers that their fathers put there only just the night before, about eight o'clock.
Shit_I__Forgot ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 03:28:23 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I could get behind this one.
Pea-eater ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 05:51:14 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I christen thee, FOR GOD!!
MrReynevan2 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 18:35:22 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I would be the God of Code then.
Troub313 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 21:15:27 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Devil of Code. Compile this...
It's a middle finger, you can't ese it.
_greebo ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 18:35:43 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I must have committed a most grievous sin against the god who currently fills that position... now where the hell are my headphones...
Troub313 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 21:15:05 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
They're in that backpack you never use.
misteryin ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 19:33:07 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
He is wise and can see through the cracks of the couch cushions. Thank you for finding the remote controller oh Great One.
Troub313 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 21:20:24 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Ye are welcome! Also, there is 27 cents underneath your couch... Can I have it?
misteryin ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:56:42 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Aite I mean...you did find the remote controller.
Warpato ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 19:38:33 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Yo help me find the keys to my safe...my gf had to break it open
Troub313 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 21:13:52 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
It is already resolved, your burly girlfriend wath my messenger.
[deleted] ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 19:40:14 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
So, St. Anthony?
Troub313 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 21:13:17 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Yeah, but I am a God not a saint.
mediumcoke ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 19:44:34 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Oh Father whose name is on the tip of my tongue, please guide me in finding that thing I was looking for.
Edit: I accidentally a word
Troub313 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 21:13:08 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
It was that word and I already helped you find it. I work quick.
darkscottishloch ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 19:48:09 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
You're adorable.
Troub313 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 21:12:54 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Thanks, I like to think I am adorable.
ShelfordPrefect ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 19:49:37 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I'd be the god of finding money you'd forgotten you had. There is no purer joy than the feeling of "sweet, there's ยฃ10 in this pocket!". If people displeased me I'd make sure they found the money while taking clothes out of the washing machine >:)
Troub313 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 21:11:14 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
ยฃ10 for me is really inconvenient because I live in America.
ShelfordPrefect ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 22:14:01 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
"Hey, I found a $10, a $5, a quarter, a dime and four pennies I didn't know I had! That explains the mysterious jingling sound as I walk!"
Troub313 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 22:18:15 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Thanks for converting it for me. You're the god of converting the money that I help people find.
5yearsinthefuture ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 19:50:41 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
St Anthony
RimeSkeem ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 20:05:09 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
This sounds like a John Oliver bit for some reason.
Troub313 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 21:21:25 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I am glad to know I am funny enough to write for John Oliver, that's not what you were inferring ,but it's what I am taking away from it.
leidend22 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 20:10:08 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I'll be the mom of your God. "Where did you last have it, dear?"
Troub313 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 21:10:45 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
And the uncle of me. "I bet it was the last place you looked."
SupriseGinger ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 20:12:51 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Do you also preside over the thing in my hand that I am looking for?
Troub313 ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 21:10:24 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Yes, it is one of my lesser domains.
SupriseGinger ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 23:04:13 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Great. Anyway you could make it vibrate next time I am looking for it?
pork-rolled ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 20:19:41 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
We already have Saint Anthony for finding lost things.
nephs ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 20:20:56 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
In Brazil the position is taken.
https://pt.wikipedia.org/wiki/Longino https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Saint_Longinus
.
And it is actually quite useful.
Troub313 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 21:10:09 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Brazil is the forgotten item of countries.
Wisdom4Less ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 20:40:12 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
St Francis is the patron saint of forgotten items (among other things which I cannot currently remember).
Troub313 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 21:08:59 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
We'll just fucking battle it the fuck out.
Ooze3d ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 20:58:33 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I'd totally worship you. Several times a day. Too many times.
Troub313 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 21:08:39 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
You forgot how many times you have worshiped me. As I am a giving god, it was 13.
OrgyPanda ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 21:04:02 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
*Lights candle.
Oh great god of remembrance. Where have I left my gray shirt?
Troub313 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 21:08:21 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
It's underneath that thing in your bed room. The thing you never look behind.
adbaculum ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 21:33:19 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The third guy can be your prophet! https://youtu.be/hmyuE0NpNgE
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 22:12:48 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Did anyone already make a Monsters Inc. reference?
Troub313 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 22:13:55 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
No, go on my Son and make said reference. My laughter awaits.
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 22:55:16 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
PUT THAT THING BACK WHERE IT CAME FROM OR SO HELP MEEEEEE
tilsitforthenommage ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 22:16:24 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
That's a sensible job. I like it.
atxmetalchef ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 22:40:09 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
St. Anthony
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 22:46:09 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
From the Boring Prophet from the Life of Brian:
And there shall in that time be rumours of things going astray, and there will be a great confusion as to where things really are, and nobody will really know where lieth those little things with the sort of raffia work base, that has an attachmentโฆat this time, a friend shall lose his friendsโs hammer and the young shall not know where lieth the things possessed by their fathers that their fathers put there only just the night before around eight oโclock...
Therapy_Monkey ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 23:08:24 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Diagnosis w ADHD would come with an rx and a weekend retreat at your monastery, provided you don't lose the address.
ahm911 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 23:23:42 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Sounds like a john oliver skit haha
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 23:54:30 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I grew up Christian. My mom loses everything. She used to gather her 3 kids up and we would hold hands and pray to find whatever object was lost.
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:02:39 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Saint Anthony then?
cccp_redr4bbit ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:08:24 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
YOU ARE MY LORD AND SAVIOR, AND I SHALL MAKE OFFERINGS UNTO THEE.
Seriously, I need a god like this. I lost my girlfriend's wallet today. It was in my fucking messenger bag. I don't even know how it got there.
Troub313 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:36:24 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
My first impart of knowledge to thee.. ditch the messenger bag. One less place to lose things. Buy a magnetic keyholder.
FoTMonly ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:57:07 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I would offer my first born son as sacrifice to you to never lose my fucking keys again
Troub313 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:35:23 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I don't want to raise yo kids. Shiiieeet, always trying to put first borns on us Gods. Like we just run a daycare up here. Sacrifice me a beautiful woman or a cheesesteak.
Vitorsoarest ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 11:32:48 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Hey there is this saint here in Brazil! Not sure if he is canonical or real, but we call him "Sรฃo Longuinho" (Saint Little Longinus). If you pray for him to find your lost stuff stolen by evil gnomes, you have to pay him with three jumps.
Everyone in Brazil knows him!
Troub313 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 11:35:38 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Yeah, but that's just a Saint! I bet he doesn't even work half the time. Who takes payment in jumps? I take payments in cheesesteaks and beautiful Brasilian women.
Holydriver ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 13:28:47 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
You would've come in handy this morning. I was late for work because it took me 20 minutes to find my wallet.
DreadWolfByTheEar ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 22:36:28 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
There's a saint for that. Its Saint Anthony: http://www.catholicdoors.com/prayers/english/p00557.htm
AstralFinish ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 03:08:55 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
St. Anthony, apparently.
Troub313 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 11:21:21 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
You people are a broken fiddle. We get it, there is some lame Saint named St. Anthony. I am more than a Saint, more than meets the eye... howcoolwoulditbeifiwasalsoatransformer.
George_E_Hale ยท 2170 points ยท Posted at 11:56:53 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The God of Remembered Smells.
Walk down a street and smell your third grade teacher's perfume on a woman? I did that.
BlandSauce ยท 295 points ยท Posted at 15:50:15 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Did you also make some chemical used on a hydraulic press smell like a food I could never quite place? My best guess was it was something Chinese.
scsibusfault ยท 63 points ยท Posted at 18:14:21 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I don't know about hydro presses, but I know that a lot of vehicular gearbox oils kind of smell like cooked onions.
heiferly ยท 15 points ยท Posted at 00:03:52 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Budweiser has a huge factory on the outer belt of Columbus, OH that makes the entire area near that highway exit smell of greasy fast food french fries. I've been told it's likely the hops that I'm smelling, but it will always be greasy fries to me... (I'm not the only one who thinks it smells like fries.)
BoxyFrown ยท 11 points ยท Posted at 01:51:40 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
From the bottom of my heart, thank you. I've been driving past that place on my way to work for 7 years and all my friends look at me like I'm a fucking lunatic when I say it smells like fries.
heiferly ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 03:06:54 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Oh, it definitely smells like fries. I think people are batshit crazy when they don't "get it." I want to keep circling that 270/71/23/315 interchange area until they admit I'm right, lol.
[deleted] ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 17:24:41 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
That is the magical smell of (shitty) beer being made. If you walk into any brewery that is active it'll smell like that.
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 09:57:03 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
2 days in hospital followed by 3 days unconsciousness, I come onto reddit to get my routine back this is what my poor disoriented brain slams into.
Hargemouch ยท 19 points ยท Posted at 23:02:33 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Actually, the Chinese buffet you were eating at was using hydraulic fluid for its non-stick coating properties. Ever wonder why it made you so sick?
BlandSauce ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:53:40 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Wait, how do you know I eat at Chinese buffets? Are you some kind of stalker?
Hargemouch ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 01:17:15 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I moonlight as Heimdall.
irock168 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:21:01 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Cmon, we all know that chinese places are always buffets.
The_White_Light ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:53:05 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Treasures of
Chinathe Toilet BowlPurposedPorpoise ยท 9 points ยท Posted at 22:29:40 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I think it's like garlic or guacamole. Rest assured you are not the only one on this quest.
BlandSauce ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 00:56:52 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
What I can remember, this is actually weirdly accurate (mostly the guacamole, which I'd never considered before). You're not screwing with me, are you?
PurposedPorpoise ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 01:02:41 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Nope, at my work we use machines with hydraulics and it's caused me to buy guac and chips more than once.
mrflippant ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 23:23:13 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
DP1000 steel smells like Dutch Letters.
[deleted] ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 00:07:15 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
It's imitation crab.
TheHighJedi ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:30:36 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Train brakes smell like fried rice
CheddaCharles ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:37:40 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The jim beam distillery smells like fruity pebbles
rogue_giant ยท -7 points ยท Posted at 20:47:27 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
It is Chinese food after all, so they could have been cooking with hydraulic fluid instead of normal oil. >.<
elemonated ยท 31 points ยท Posted at 20:58:22 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
/r/casualracism
Finlin ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 22:23:52 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
/r/ofcoursethatsathing
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:00:22 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
[deleted]
elemonated ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 00:08:28 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Implying that Chinese food isn't prepared with the same precautions, following the same rules as everyone else's because it's Chinese (as they didn't qualify anything else about the food) is racist.
Conversely, in case you were going to ask because questions like this often are followed-up by this kind of question, the comment /u/rogue_giant replied to is not racist because it was a simple observation of a smell, and does not imply anything in particular about Chinese food.
Peewee223 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 00:39:05 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Gutter_oil
elemonated ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:50:57 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I highly doubt that they were referring to Chinese food in China, and I doubt even more that this issue is what they were referring to. Given my experience with people who talk crap about Chinese food, this is a young person living in the United States that has eaten Chinese food prepared under the same regulations all other food is and still for some reason believes the bullcrap spread in the 60s about Asian food.
If they were referring to that, then that's fine. It's definitely legitimate issue and is being addressed thusly. Effectively? Who knows.
Zeus420 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:53:25 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Whoa... does this happen anywhere else in the world? Shocking practice
Zeus420 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:44:44 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I think the " >.< " part
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:09:38 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
It wasn't. It was a joke, and not even the only one about cooking with hydraulic fluid. Reddit likes to arbitrarily pick and choose which one is acceptable and which is horrible racism.
lux_operon ยท 123 points ยท Posted at 16:42:39 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I'll be the God of Half-Memories, then...for the times when something is familiar but you can't recall why.
kingofphilly ยท 8 points ยท Posted at 19:27:27 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Then you need to explain some shit to me; when I used to get drunk or stoned and shit would go all hazy, television commercials and music would all start to sound the same after a while and play this really familiar sing-song melody that somehow reminded me of when I was a kid.
I would never hear it without being under the influence though. Explain.
lux_operon ยท 9 points ยท Posted at 19:39:53 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
It's because kids are basically little drunk people. /r/drunkorakid exists for a reason!
FusRoeDah ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 07:11:28 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of /r/tipofmytongue
klatnyelox ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 00:02:57 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I will call you Deja-vu
Nillion ยท 12 points ยท Posted at 17:04:40 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Thank you God of Remembered Smells for allowing me to correctly associate the odor wafting off of my gym towel the other week with the fried onion strings from this restaurant from my childhood.
lovehate615 ยท 11 points ยท Posted at 16:48:02 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Can you fix my claustrophobia brought on by a perfume my sister wore on a cruise? We had the smallest cabin with four tiny bunk beds and it was drenched in that smell. I get traumatic flashbacks on the rare occasions that I smell that smelly smell.
inurshadow ยท 11 points ยท Posted at 17:55:16 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Anchovies
polysemous_entelechy ยท 16 points ยท Posted at 18:14:56 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
By Calvin Klein
Odgnob ยท 16 points ยท Posted at 16:39:39 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Can you tell me why every single time I use vanilla Chapstick I am brought back to a dream I had in like first grade about playing James Bond from Russia with Love the video game on the first level with the fuckin jet pack and shit? Like I can't not think about it when I put it on and idk why
[deleted] ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 17:49:27 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Why is it, oh god, when I smell something spicy and meaty I think of a soy bean processing plant I used to live by in Iowa?
Shanack ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 19:27:38 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Please, what is that smell that reminds me of Autumn and Minecraft? I need that in my life, I literally dreamt about it last night, this is the first time I have even dreamt of a smell.
George_E_Hale ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:56:11 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Like all gods, I don't explain myself.
Captain_Condoriano ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 19:31:36 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
What's your opinion on madeleines?
SargeMacLethal ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 19:26:39 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
If I find myself in your favor, will you help me find a certain smell that takes me back to when I was young? I'm never able to identify where it's coming from.|-/
kiralv ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 19:44:09 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
TรธP?
SargeMacLethal ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:35:57 on September 10, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Aaayyy this guy gets it.
PM_Me_Randomly ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 19:36:39 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Go on ...
misteryin ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 19:42:42 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I had a major crush on my third grade teacher. Even fantasized pouring hershey's chocolate syrup (saw it on an LL Cool J video) and having her press her breasts in my face. Thank you GRS for making me remember. ;)
[deleted] ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 00:37:17 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
You did that? I did that.
OccamsMinigun ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 00:53:14 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Smell triggers recall much more acutely than any other sense, so you might not be as unusual as you think.
Eurynom0s ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 01:04:36 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Nice.
Guyinapeacoat ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 02:24:24 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Or worse, smelling that perfume on your SO.
piratius ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 05:38:21 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
So it was you - when I went to camp as a kid, I smelled some guy smoking a pipe, and had the most vivid flashback to my grandfather who I don't consciously remember at all.
Sleeper256 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 22:09:55 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Oh dear George_E_Hale, I pray thee tell me, what is that new car smell I remember from childhood?
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:21:31 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
How about that one smell common to some cheap pens' inks, bad plastics, and sometimes semen?
TimeForger ยท 1260 points ยท Posted at 14:08:54 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Procrastinus - The god of getting things done at the very last moment because you put it off to long.
icandoesbetter ยท 358 points ยท Posted at 16:15:16 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Most worshipped god of the 21st century.
TimeForger ยท 221 points ยท Posted at 16:30:00 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
May your wait be restful and your hurry be swifter than the encroaching end.
You_Are_Wonderful_ ยท 7 points ยท Posted at 00:52:30 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Prayers to him will also only be answered at the last minute, just as it's about to be too late.
TimeForger ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 01:30:19 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
It's more like whenever I get around to it.
mateogg ยท 20 points ยท Posted at 16:45:24 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Not really. His followers are always all "Eh, I'll just worship him tomorrow".
nphekt ยท 24 points ยท Posted at 20:44:15 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
As a matter of fact, his Holy day IS tomorrow. perpetually tomorrow.
littlepig45 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:09:11 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
But they'll wait til later to worship
Ax_of_kindness ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:46:02 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I'm too busy now, I'll worship him next century.
TheXearta ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:03:06 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Nah man I'm putting off worship until the 22nd century...
4rclyte ยท 15 points ยท Posted at 16:12:19 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Or perhaps the deadline gets moved back so they can procrastinate even further!
TimeForger ยท 24 points ยท Posted at 16:27:57 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
A sign of good blessings from Procrastinus.
GalacticQuack ยท 13 points ยท Posted at 17:10:02 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
All praise Procrastinus!...
...Later...
Waldemar-Firehammer ยท 13 points ยท Posted at 18:11:25 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
A most powerful god, but heavily underestimated because of a clever plot with Proactivus to take control of the realm of gods in a last minute, desperate, and uncontrolled coup d'etat involving a gallon of caffeine, Wikipedus, and Anxietysius.
TimeForger ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 20:22:21 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Ahh the children of necessity.
Akabei ยท 9 points ยท Posted at 16:49:49 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
You beat me because i took too long.
TimeForger ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 20:15:28 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Ahh, my kin perhaps next time Couldn't Be Botheredcleas.
Spugnacious ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 17:07:58 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I'm pretty sure I already worship you.
At least I think I have. If I haven't, I'll get to it.
swaerdsman ยท 7 points ยท Posted at 17:13:26 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Greatest god of University students.
TimeForger ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 20:44:39 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I don't know about greatest it can be a very competitive atmosphere. I would not wish to anger Alcoholus and his children Jager-Bombathon or Maximus Beer-Pongacus to name a few.
johnnybiggles ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 19:11:04 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I shall pray to you......tomorrow. Probably.
TimeForger ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 20:02:59 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Good intentions bring good tidings.
[deleted] ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 17:07:33 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
How do we worship you?
Razlyk ยท 9 points ยท Posted at 17:35:07 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
By putting it off of course. "I'll just pray later after I beat this Portal level."
TimeForger ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 20:31:03 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
You will know what to do when it is time.
regiimoep ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 18:16:58 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I was gonna go to your temple, but I guess I'll go tomorrow.
TimeForger ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 20:04:52 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
It's not finished anyways. More of a work in progress, but it's really gonna be something.
barleyandgrapes ยท 7 points ยท Posted at 19:37:01 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
My fiance already worships you. And I'm converting for marriage.
TimeForger ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 20:26:17 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
May your marriage be a blessed one and be lenient with him he has only good intentions.
[deleted] ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 17:32:12 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I see you're aiming for the college demographic. Clever.
TimeForger ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 20:19:22 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
What other time in your life have you mistaken yourself as being immortal. It's easy to relate to.
blindfate ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 17:20:01 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
You better put off usurping my throne
jabroni_camembert ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 18:21:54 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
So if I pray diligently you'll lift the curse just early enough so that it can actually get my stuff in on time? Or does that require a ritualized sacrifice in your name, O Mighty Pracrastinus?
TimeForger ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 20:24:49 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
If you must sacrifice it shall be just 5 more minutes of _____ and you will get up and get it done. Repeat sacrifices are of course welcome.
bschug ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 19:43:07 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
If you get it done at the very last moment, you didn't put it off for too long, you just timed it perfectly.
TimeForger ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 20:01:32 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
So it is law.
Warpato ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 19:51:58 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Oh heavenly father, can if they shall help me with my calculus homework, I shall be your forever loyal servant
TimeForger ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 20:27:33 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Take this child http://www.wolframalpha.com/ Perhaps it will aide you.
TheWambat ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 19:55:26 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The caffine has failed me, I'm out of adderal, 2am was gone faster than it came Oh great Procrastinus hear my cry, Give me the will to finish this paper
TimeForger ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 20:28:32 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=btPJPFnesV4
Now go and write swiftly.
metathesis ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 20:28:04 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
You might want to consider another position. All those worshipers sound like a lot of responsibility for an entry level employee. Better off choosing a position no one ever prays to and coasting on your immortality until the end of time.
TimeForger ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 20:39:07 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Who else will if I do not. Do you expect them all to just reddit all the time? Do you wish purple links on all of them? That is chaos I will not be responsible for.
FuckY-all ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 20:35:25 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I totally meant to pray to you like a month ago, but I just SO busy and just like didn't have any time. Anyway I've got an important test tomorrow so could you just like, I dunno, just bless me with that knowledge?
TimeForger ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 20:46:02 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Dig deep you will find it within yourself.
betterbutterfly ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 21:20:42 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
As an author constantly on deadline, you are the god I pray to loudly and frequently, often with sacrifices of sleep and sanity.
TimeForger ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 21:27:21 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Authors are always heard. May you meet your deadline and your thoughts be fruitful.
betterbutterfly ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 14:35:51 on September 10, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Thank you, oh gracious one.
FitChemist432 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 22:26:24 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
You're a beautiful muse!
TimeForger ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 22:54:41 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
No you!
[deleted] ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 00:49:08 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
And then nailing it.
TimeForger ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:30:54 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
So shall it then be nailed.
epicbarron ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 00:57:11 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
username checks out
zephyr897 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 16:52:52 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I thought that was Bullshiticus.
TimeForger ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 20:30:34 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Different god, don't trust his words he tells many lies.
sudowned ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:47:15 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
When are you gonna apply for that?
oversized_hoodie ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:51:59 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
What can I sacrifice to you? I have a case of Dr Pepper somewhere...
TimeForger ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 20:20:28 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
This will do. Many blessings be upon you.
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:53:44 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I am worshipping you right now
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:53:46 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I am worshipping you right now
cromulent_word ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:59:33 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
SAVE ME PROCRASTINUS!
DiffDoffDoppleganger ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:02:43 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
So, Nerdcubed
LachlantehGreat ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:06:16 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I would do anything for you.
BrainArrow ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 20:18:54 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Let me be your champion! I shall serve thee well, but not timely
TimeForger ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 20:36:06 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Whenever you can get around to it is fine.
Shock7123 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 22:13:24 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Bullshitticus, the god of being able to bullshit an assignment the night before, always attended to by Thesaurae and Caffeina, his muses. Also known as the God of College Students.
Werdna139 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 22:29:19 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Why have I been chosen!
patrickowen ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 23:24:36 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I'm guessing you are going to add the second "o" later?
papersneaker ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:42:47 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I was going to comment...maybe later
metrick00 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:43:43 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I see you have a typo, but I'm too lazy to fix it for you.
ButtsexEurope ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:51:14 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I remember a post where that guy was Bullshitticus, God of term papers. Flanked by Wikipedia and Coffee.
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:20:24 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I would be your High Priestess, for sure.
TimeForger ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:41:19 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
So it shall be.
velkito ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 09:41:29 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Also, patron diety of all students in all rings of the academic ladder
vhite ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 10:43:50 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I'm sorry, but the job description said "entry-level", you need at least 20 years experience in doing nothing to... oh... well, I guess you're hired.
TxXxF ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 11:03:55 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Hail.
Fluttershyayy ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 11:28:24 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I worship you by being on reddit
princebee ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:08:19 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Haha, that's amaz-OH FUCK.
TurnForeverUandMe ยท 5167 points ยท Posted at 12:07:27 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The goddess who wakes you up a few minutes before your alarm. If you make me angry I'll wake you up too early to get it but too late to catch any more sleep. Keep me happy and it'll be a few comfy seconds before it goes off.
Same goes for microwaves.
TastyBrainMeats ยท 3026 points ยท Posted at 14:45:45 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Congratulations on picking the godhood nobody will ever want to piss off.
DuckTub ยท 1424 points ยท Posted at 16:45:32 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)*
In hell's gates
Please Hades, I'll do anything!
Even die to the hellfire?
No, no!
a slowly rising light appears
IT IS I, /U/TurnForeverUandMe!
Oh shit, what do you need! I swear you can take the guy, just don't messup my torture system! I can't punish sinners when tired!
THIS MORTAL HAS BEEN GREAT IN HIS PRAYERS TO READY WAKING.
I SHALL TAKE HIM TO THE LAND OF GOOD SLEEPING WHERE HE SHALL BE ONE WITH THE DAY AND NIGHT
the mortal turns to Hades
Ha ha, fucker, picked the wrong Average Joe!
No, no noooo!!!
Hades wakes up half an hour before the alarm to get to hell
Oh fuck.
edit: wrong devil
[deleted] ยท 546 points ยท Posted at 18:43:48 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
By the Bold Gods and the Italicised.
MaceOfBass ยท 75 points ยท Posted at 19:44:33 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
What is stylized may never be without style, but is written again, bolder and more italicized.
PerplexedGamer ยท 16 points ยท Posted at 20:52:37 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
That is not italicized which can eternal bold,
And with strange markup even strike-through may italics.
zoraluigi ยท 9 points ยท Posted at 21:13:34 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I like the reference, but it doesn't really flow well.
HelloGoodbye63 ยท 13 points ยท Posted at 22:29:24 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
What do we say to the God of Formatting?
Natanael_L ยท 16 points ยท Posted at 23:19:37 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Don't say anything, he is fighting with the god of syntax. You don't want to get involved, the god of semantics might hear it and get involved too.
TurnForeverUandMe ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 23:57:48 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
You guys are awesome.
HelloGoodbye63 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:41:30 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
So then... Not Today?
DuckTub ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 07:26:51 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
ever since i met the formatting help button i was blessed
dank mr
skeletalGod of FormattingHelloGoodbye63 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:22:09 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
thank Mr Format
Tab Tab
flapanther33781 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 00:22:38 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
iamnotbanned ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 21:12:01 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I banish thee from the Kingdom of Fonts.
muchrevoicing ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 23:51:21 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
the bold gods and the skew?
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:22:28 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
If I could donate my upvotes I would. This here is your rightful king, people.
Timekeeper81 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:16:51 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
DasJuden63 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 04:53:36 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I call the God of the Bold Text!
TenNeon ยท 8 points ยท Posted at 20:54:05 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Wow, Lucifer screws up and Hades gets punished for it. Sucks to be that dude.
DuckTub ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 07:20:27 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
damnit
damnit
ApatheticTeenager ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 22:31:01 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The karma is at 666 and I'm not changing it
TheGrandMaestro ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 22:55:13 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
If I actually had money, I would gild you so much.
DuckTub ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 07:44:23 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
doitplzthisismybestcommenti'vevermadeitsalliliveforhelpmeHa, thanks!
The_White_Light ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 04:55:17 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Half an hour is more than enough time to fall back asleep. Clearly Satan was let off easy.
melancholoser ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:19:20 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Was Satan even in the story?
The_White_Light ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:25:26 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Satan and Lucifer are often used interchangeably, and Hades is the God of the underworld, so...
melancholoser ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:31:18 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Nah
DuckTub ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 07:25:59 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
you say that but wait until you wake up in the middle of the night with cravings
Arkalis ยท 13 points ยท Posted at 16:48:04 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Exactly, this
fuckerawesome person chose the best one.fallenKlNG ยท 7 points ยท Posted at 00:16:02 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I'll be the other Sleep God that makes it so that you wake up in a half-asleep state, turn off your alarm, and make the bad decision to "rest your eyes" and fall back to sleep. Then when you wake up, you have absolutely no recollection of your alarm clock ever going off despite how it's been turned off already.
TastyBrainMeats ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:33:38 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
You monster.
brokenpheonix ยท 62 points ยท Posted at 16:04:09 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I think I'd rather be the goddess who wakes you up 4 hours before your alarm goes off and you look at the alarm to realize that you don't have to get up for another 4 glorious hours! That feeling you get when you roll over and know you get to stay warm and comfortable for another 4 hours! So nice!!
Dent18 ยท 35 points ยท Posted at 18:12:11 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I'd burn stuff in your name
brokenpheonix ยท 17 points ยท Posted at 18:27:58 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Marshmallows and cinnamon sticks please! mmmm Good smell!
[deleted] ยท 7 points ยท Posted at 18:05:28 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I don't know. That just makes me start lucid dreaming and then wake up tired and/or sad that my adventure is over.
brokenpheonix ยท 11 points ยท Posted at 18:07:44 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
As a goddess I will give you amazing adventures to dream. But if you fail to provide me sacrifices then you shall always be tired from your 4 hour sleeping privilege.
TurnForeverUandMe ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 20:06:18 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Ahh you're right! Those are the best moments!
brokenpheonix ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 21:40:16 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Praise me more TurnForeverUandMe and I shall allow you to wake up at 2:53 tomorrow morning and awaken fully rested and ready to start your day on time hours later.
TurnForeverUandMe ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 23:54:10 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Hahaha jokes on you, I already have a schedule that forces me to wake up at 3am :D I'm absolutely delirious by 7pm!
brokenpheonix ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 00:19:05 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Awesome! May you sleep peacefully, may the sun not bother you, and hopefully annoying neighbors are far enough away to not bother you while you sleep.
TurnForeverUandMe ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 01:25:57 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Thank you kindly! Same to you! May you be blessed with the deepest sleep and may you wake each morning fully rested and with enough energy to hollar at the top of your lungs for days!
brokenpheonix ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 02:47:42 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Considering I got to kick three people out of residential treatment and now the remaining 20ish clients are pissed at me, I'll need the rest!
[deleted] ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 23:26:36 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I'd pick 3 hours. That way you get 2 full REM cycles in and don't have to wake up in the middle of one. That's why people wake up tired after a full night of sleep.
Gotta sync your REM cycles, peeps!
Edit: if to I'd
brokenpheonix ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 23:30:29 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
May you wake up from the falling feeling only to realize that you're safe in your bed, not in class, and have 7.5 hours more to sleep.
[deleted] ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 02:49:43 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I think I'd ask for prayers regularly if they all consisted of that beautiful wish for me.
Daydu ยท 19 points ยท Posted at 15:22:57 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of when you wake up and for a split second forgetting where you are.
Fzzr ยท 16 points ยท Posted at 18:13:39 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Are you kidding? I love that. I've trained myself for years to wake up just before the alarm and get up on my own terms. The alarm is there as a backup only. Hey, do you want some worship?
anunknind ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 22:01:57 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I do this too. It gives me time to mentally prepare myself for the day's bullshit. Plus no loud alarms.
TurnForeverUandMe ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 19:58:46 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
That's awesome! Go right on ahead haha
arikv2 ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 18:12:38 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
We're you the one that woke me up when I forgot to set an alarm? Because I was thanking someone that day.
mi_esposa_me_espia ยท 7 points ยท Posted at 18:51:55 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
You visited me this morning you spiteful bitch. I could have used that extra 40 minutes.
TurnForeverUandMe ยท 9 points ยท Posted at 19:56:44 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Ahh no name calling. Or tomorrow will be worse ;*
owlyoudoin ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 16:29:12 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
And all of humanity trembles at your feet.
[deleted] ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 18:56:17 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Thanks for bringing back my highschool memories. Kinda miss the whole 15 minutes feeling like 5 seconds thing.
mateogg ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 16:43:43 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Joke's on you, I catch up on more sleep even if there isn't enough time.
LastPageofGatsby ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 19:51:46 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I like your username. Now that song is stuck in my head.
puscpatrol ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 19:59:07 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
There's nothing worse than being woken up by your microwave early and not being able to get back to sleep
PM_me_ur_Dinosaur ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 18:37:46 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
You torture even more people of being the goddess of waking up thinking you slept through your alarm! Then you're too stressed to go to sleep no matter what time it is.
[deleted] ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 20:35:39 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
How about the god that wakes you up 15 minutes after you were suppose to leave for work. Whenever this happens to me I always go from a deep sleep to an instant wide awake, look at the clock, and freak out. Itโs ALWAYS after I need to be on the road. Never with minutes to spare or early, always after.
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:30:21 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The god of when you do that on a day off, get all ready and realize it's Sunday... and bacon and eggs
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 08:02:39 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Haha, which consists of stepping into the nearest pair of pants and matrix diving out the window while deodorant or cologne bathing.
datbooty12 ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 20:36:56 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Would we praise you by sleeping? "Mom, 5 more minuets, I'm praying! "
BipedSnowman ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 21:55:10 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
You'll wake me up before the microwave beeps?
TurnForeverUandMe ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 23:56:01 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
You're brilliant. When you die, I want you near me.
BipedSnowman ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:52:30 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
... Thanks?
BosoxH60 ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 21:59:43 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I can't say I'd have a problem with a Goddess who wakes me up before my alarm...
TurnForeverUandMe ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 23:56:18 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
;)
Vamking12 ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 23:11:32 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
oh god no
Kiloku ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 23:15:03 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Joke's on you. I can catch extra 2 minutes of sleep if I wake two minutes before the alarm.
MYTBUSTOR ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 23:23:02 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)*
...and now we found lucifer for this theoretical world
gamedemon24 ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 23:40:03 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I will do anything.
my_venting_account ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 01:26:26 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Super off topic, but if your username from Feel God Inc???????
TurnForeverUandMe ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 01:27:52 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Hahaha yes!
my_venting_account ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 01:32:18 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I think I love you!!! They're my all time favorite band.
TurnForeverUandMe ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 02:33:09 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Oh wow. A bit quick wasn't that? And yes, there are times when I binge them like crazy :)
my_venting_account ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:38:17 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I think they were the best band I've ever seen live. I plan on getting Murdoc tattooed on my side in a few years.
TurnForeverUandMe ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:53:07 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Oooo nice. Good luck! Hope the tattoo turns out well :)
suhayla ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 05:01:13 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
That reminds me, I need to build a shrine to the goddess of waking up magically even when your alarm fails or there's a power outage but you have to get to work and normally wouldn't wake up on your own because you only slept 6 hours...lady has prevented me from losing my job on multiple occasions..
because_monstah ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 17:35:12 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Ow mighty goddess, what sacrifice do you demand?
TurnForeverUandMe ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 20:00:33 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
CLEAN SHEETS!
Freddy_Bimmel ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 17:56:53 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
http://mentalfloss.com/article/53710/why-do-i-always-wake-5-minutes-my-alarm-goes
TheLobstrosity ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 18:27:26 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Hail the goddess of preemptive awakening.
coozin ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 16:44:50 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
This is exactly along the petty lines I imagined. Thank you
g00sefrabaaaa ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:40:12 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
IT'S YOU
Krono5_8666V8 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:46:04 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
For you lord, I shall always cover my microwav-ed offering with a paper towel, and lo! I shall make the bad at least twice in between each changing of the sheets!
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:53:02 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
If only you knew how you have all cursed yourselves for the propaganda of fools who wish you only to fall with them. Unfortunately I have a cockroach problem in my backyard. He whistles like the boogy man. But he is planted psychic mason of the moon there to listen to my thoughts. You want Lucifer listen to him.
chokingonlego ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 20:08:06 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Thank you so much, godofwakingyouafewminutesbeforeyouralarm. I just slept past my alarm by 3 hours.
TurnForeverUandMe ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 23:48:42 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Remember that one time when you were younger and were so pissed off at the alarm you threw it across the room and broke it? Yea that's why. You're welcome.
OBVIOUS_OBSERVATlONS ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 20:45:23 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Unrelated, but I love the subtle gorillaz reference in your username.
TurnForeverUandMe ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 23:49:07 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Thank you! I love them :)
pterodactal ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 21:09:35 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I must be your chosen one then. I seem to be regularly and reliably do both of these.
TurnForeverUandMe ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 23:52:46 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Yes, I will be waiting for you after your death with a special promotion +plenty of chances to rise in the company. You have much potential in your wakefulness.
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 21:18:32 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I'll thank you to stop waking me up four fucking minutes before my alarm will go off, you vile wench.
SurprisedPotato ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 21:54:21 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I'm awake at 5:30am. What did I do to you?
TurnForeverUandMe ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 23:55:29 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I don't enjoy watching you sleep as much as all the others. But significantly more than those I wake up by 4 ;)
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 22:43:04 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I think that is regular old Satan
braisedbywolves ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:43:34 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I'm also a microwave divinity, although I'm the God of Uniform Microwave Heating. Grace be unto me, and I shall ensure that ye burritos shall be the same temperature throughout. Profane me, and your tongue will touch fire, followed quickly by ice.
Coconuteer ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 07:25:40 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
But i love waking up before my alarm goes of. Can you do that too?
That_Deaf_Guy ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 11:04:02 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Pha, amateur. I woke up at 4:58am, 2 mins before my alarm was due to go off. I replied to my friend on WhatsApp and went back to sleep for those 2 mins. This was yesterday. I WILL SLEEP AS MUCH AS I CAN, DAMN IT.
Why_You_Mad_ ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:56:06 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I'm still shocked that no one has said that they'd become the God of tits and wine.
Sterling_Irish ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 04:28:40 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Too early to get what?
[deleted] ยท 3335 points ยท Posted at 11:05:53 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of your POS car starting when you absolutely need it too
Notbob1234 ยท 1143 points ยท Posted at 14:25:35 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Are you also the god of "why won't this car start" for all them horror films?
ashartinthedark ยท 1349 points ยท Posted at 15:38:55 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Obviously they should have been less busy with all that premarital sex and more busy praying and maybe he would bless them with a little torque
educatedbiomass ยท 231 points ยท Posted at 16:36:34 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I thought premarital sex in your POS car was how you paid homage to such a deity
Otopython ยท 11 points ยท Posted at 18:56:54 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)*
She most certainly seemed to be trying to get the attention of some deity.
Edit: must->most
pizzaboy192 ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 19:11:27 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
So that's why my 20 year old car still starts!
RTM_Matt ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 20:35:04 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Swings and roundabouts.
droomph ยท 600 points ยท Posted at 16:33:16 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Maybe he already blessed them with torque but they spent it all on the fuck
Sack_Of_Motors ยท 26 points ยท Posted at 17:39:07 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
With a dick that small, it can be pretty accurately be approximated as a force acting on a point.
Mansweenerhole ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 22:26:19 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Lol
_greebo ยท 13 points ยท Posted at 18:43:08 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Sex should not involve torque, unless she is literally spinning on it
droomph ยท 9 points ยท Posted at 18:44:48 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
You don't know their fetishes
Trance354 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 21:11:09 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
what if she was? I know that's one of my favorite moves, depending on the woman, of course.
agrajagthemighty ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 00:07:08 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Well, one of us is doing it wrong, and I don't think it's me.
HostOrganism ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:57:32 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Don't you judge me!
tstehler1 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 22:59:27 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
/r/nocontext
zeejay11 ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 18:37:28 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
When i run of fucks i pray for more torque
DuckTub ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 07:28:32 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
FUCK ME I NEED SOME MORE TORQUE
oh thanks God
PM_Me_Randomly ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 19:33:07 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
DM;HS
Sepiac ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 01:04:27 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
*twerk
ZepherusYT ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:43:38 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
That sweet turning force tho.
BrainArrow ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:58:55 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
And that's why you should save torque, kids
fuccimama79 ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 16:50:38 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Or a few more cold cranking amps
TOMATO_ON_URANUS ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 17:09:36 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I don't think the Greek gods really cared about premarital sex considering half of them were having it anyways
2_poor_4_Porsche ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:09:31 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Well, the Greek men were having it with each other.
RyanB_ ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:22:05 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Thanks Shirley
jrhii ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:41:33 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of torque us a major deity of the cult of car in the modern pantheon.
wallingfortian ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 22:42:07 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I some cultures sex is worship!
GlasAngeles ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 23:51:33 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Less torquing, more praying to /u/j-roq1515
Chanel_DU ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 22:10:23 on September 10, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
If Rick Santorum narrated horror flicks.
imjusta_bill ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 16:11:30 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
He giveth and he taketh away
murraybiscuit ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 17:42:57 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Brother of the God of Out of Signal in horror films.
memberzs ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 19:16:15 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
You should know nearly every good has an equal opposite to balance the forces.
Notbob1234 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:13:49 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Like when I got knurd after drinking Klatchian Coffee
Eurynom0s ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 01:03:31 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
That's clearly within scope.
Chomfucjusz ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:57:12 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
He took a few days off
NFLinPDX ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:52:10 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
That would be the god of Hollywood suspense
Chemical_Castration ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:22:59 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
That's the Devil of your POS car not starting when you absolutely need it to.
2_poor_4_Porsche ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 15:36:20 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Challenge Accepted!
Schwabahbob ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:30:47 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
What is it with Porsche? I've heard this a few times about 911's too. Just very unreliable?
Edit:word
2_poor_4_Porsche ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:07:54 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
It's just common knowledge, even among Porschephiles, that 924s and 944s (and 928s, some 911s) always seem to need something to be running properly.
"Let's go for a drive!" says the 911 owner
"Just gotta fix this one thing first," says the 944 owner.
Overall, they are very well made. There are a ton of 80s 944s still running to perfection. I commute in mine on a daily basis, and arrive feeling energized, positive and rewarded. How many 30 year old Camaros, Hondas, Datsuns and Yugos can say the same?
Schwabahbob ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:19:42 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Huh, that's not as bad as the stereotype makes it out to be!
greenmask ยท 12 points ยท Posted at 15:43:00 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The God of "what's that sound? I know I should check it out but my car is still running, so I'll ignore it for now."
brainstorm42 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:58:33 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of the Knowingly Omitted Squeak
Copperhead61 ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 17:04:20 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
So basically you're like a Warhammer 40k machine spirit?
nerga ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 18:25:06 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The machine spirit is not actually a spirit. The machine spirit is a myth used by tech priests/humans to explain how their technology works when they no longer understand it. The rituals are just trouble shooting steps, usage steps, etc. that are working.
ScootalooTheConquero ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 19:16:29 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)*
What the fuck did you just say about the machine spirit bitch? I'll have you know I graduated top of my class in the Collegia Titanica and i have over 300 confirmed engine kills, and I've been involved in numerous raids on the archenemy. I am trained in total warfare and I'm the number one titan pilot in the in the Legio Invigilate. You are nothing to me but just another heretic. I will wipe you the fuck out with firepower the likes of which have never been seen before in this Imperium, mark my fucking words. You think you can get away with saying that shit to me over the vox? Think again, fucker. As we speak I am contacting my secret network of inquisitors across the Imperium and am preparing for warp travel right now so you better prepare for the Storm(Herald), maggot. The Storm(herald) that wipes out the pathetic thing you call your life. You're fucking dead kid, I can be anywhere, anytime, and I can kill you in over seven hundred ways, and that's just with my sponson guns. Not only am I extensively trained in mechanized combat, but I have access to the entire arsenal of the Imperium of Man and I will use it to its full extent to wipe your miserable ass off the face of the Imperium, you little shit. If only you could have known what holy retribution your little "clever" comment was about to bring down upon you, maybe you would have held your fucking tongue. but you couldn't, you didn't and now your entire world is paying the price, you emperor damned idiot. I will shit fury all over you and you will drown in it. You're fucking dead heretic.
Copperhead61 ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 21:36:21 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
That sounds like HERESY to me! The Imperium of Man will not stand for this!
nerga ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 21:41:43 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Good. That was a test, you passed, the inquisition is pleased. Remember, an open mind is like a fortress with its gates unbarred and unguarded. Carry on guardsman.
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 22:40:17 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I thought they were remnants of onboard AIs. How else is the land raider operating one of its guns independently of the crew?
nerga ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 22:46:32 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Targeting systems or AI would still not be a machine spirit though. Is that in one of the novels, I don't remember seeing anything like that in the source books or rpgs.
cdc194 ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 16:02:54 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
My 11 year old v8 4Runner with 210k miles doesnt need your help, its indestructible and the body has seen more scrapes than a fishermans knuckles.
If you were the God of fuel economy then maybe we could talk.
submarinesoup ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 16:44:23 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Perfect! I finally have an excuse to get rid of that stupid St. Christopher medallion.
I'm not even catholic, I'm just superstitious about my car (for good reason).
hmlangs ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 18:03:17 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Ace Ventura is boys with this God!
abigthirstyteddybear ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 05:40:23 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The bane of all Hollywood script writers.
kingeryck ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:08:29 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
please please please please VROOOM YEA! Thanks, /u/j-roc1515!
nickbrinser ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:16:07 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Where were you when I was getting my truck inspected and it wouldn't start? Leaving it stuck at the inspection depot...
Curtalius ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:38:52 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Just be the god of POS junker cars. Being in your graces will ensure that your car keep chugging along. To those who shun you will come faulty defrost in the dead of winter and breaking down in the middle of nowhere.
LeavingAbigail ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:01:40 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Your name can be Ricky
thekefentse ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:08:13 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Praise be upon the who gets me to and fro!
BdAzMoFo ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:31:03 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Felix
sigma932 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:22:42 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I pray to you several times a day. Please stop giving me the "will it/won't it but then it ultimately does sputter into running" it freaks me out every damn time.
Krono5_8666V8 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:44:07 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Does a screwdriver that you jam into the carburetor count as a false idol? Because if it is, I'm gonna have a rough winter.
Eaders ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:13:07 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The God of Volkswagen.
The_0bserver ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:22:40 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Thank You my Lord for your Blessings... :)
blaze413 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:57:46 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
You mean god of greezy cheese sammiches?
ashleyamdj ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 20:15:20 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Have I told you how handsome/ beautiful you look today? You fantastic god, you!
Weasley_is_our_king1 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 21:03:43 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Praise be unto thee, for allowing my 2000 Honda Accord to hit 200,000 miles this weekend and still be running great aside from a burned out headlight.
sfzen ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 21:42:46 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I'm in. Where can I start making sacrifices in your name?
Rosho24 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 22:17:08 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
So... everytime?
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 22:33:04 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The prayer is usually: "Start you bastard!"
dahomies ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 23:46:00 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Only people with a POS car that never starts on the first try will get this
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:14:07 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I wish there was a subreddit where we can request for a picture to be drawn. I would choose this God.
sideofrice96 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:26:47 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Haha my 97 4runner with 220k laughs in the face of your godhood.
TeachesYouEnglish ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:45:41 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
My starter is going out and I really doubt I will be able to start it for work tomorrow. Please, God, please! sacrifices first born
[deleted] ยท 2010 points ยท Posted at 14:38:32 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I will be the god of the clean wipe. Everybody poops, everybody wants to be clean afterwords, and so if they pray to me during their movement they shall be blessed with a one-wipe cleanup. Render unto me a diet with adequate fiber and ye shall be doubly rewarded, for I help those who help themselves. Anger me, and Taco Tuesday shall not be kind to you.
quantumturnip ยท 183 points ยท Posted at 15:47:30 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
That's it, I'm claiming god of those wipes that take like 6 attempts before it comes back clean.
[deleted] ยท 209 points ยท Posted at 15:58:34 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
So you're taking the "Satan" route, eh?
quantumturnip ยท 28 points ยท Posted at 16:01:12 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Yeah. Someone's got to.
[deleted] ยท 49 points ยท Posted at 16:02:25 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I guess that makes you my semi-nemesis...
...except instead of dealing in souls, we deal in assholes.
skrimpstaxx ยท 22 points ยท Posted at 20:15:50 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Ass-souls
[deleted] ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 02:26:57 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Prepare to Wipe Edition
quantumturnip ยท 22 points ยท Posted at 16:17:04 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Yes, yes it does.
theniceguytroll ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 22:13:32 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
So, /u/quantumturnip is your semisis?
HelloGoodbye63 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 22:31:32 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
...Cause its a dirty job
PartiesLikeIts1999 ยท 8 points ยท Posted at 19:56:09 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
"Atheist" route here, why wipe when you can have a bidet or just take most shits before you shower?
[deleted] ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 23:09:37 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I'm not taking 7 showers a day.
PartiesLikeIts1999 ยท 10 points ยท Posted at 23:19:56 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
then buy a bidet you turd factory.
Oregonja ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 23:48:01 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Wait, 6 wipes is a lot? I'm asking for a friend.
[deleted] ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 01:06:51 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
...sometimes.
thestevemeistro ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 21:50:15 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
He's the god of one-ply.
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 04:02:59 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
[deleted]
[deleted] ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 04:04:06 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Not my department.
1ddqd ยท 28 points ยท Posted at 17:01:09 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)*
"It's like I'm wiping a marker or something"
edit: http://i.imgur.com/tYHM5k2.gif
Assdolf_Shitler ยท 7 points ยท Posted at 18:33:28 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I hate when you have a sticky poo and the ass cheeks are clean but immediately inside the asshole isn't. No matter how much paper you use, the turd cutter never gets clean. It's like trying to clean a marlin .22 if anyone catches the reference.
Lemerney2 ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 22:01:09 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
only six? you fucking casual.
quantumturnip ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 04:53:47 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I just picked a number that was greater than three.
Gohack ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 00:16:48 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Then I'm the god of eternal sharpie wipes. You just keep wiping and wiping and wiping and wiping and and wiping and wiping and wiping and wiping and wiping and wiping and wiping and wiping and wiping and wiping and wiping and wiping and wiping and wiping and wiping and wiping and wiping and wiping and wiping and wiping and wiping and wiping and wiping and wiping and wiping and wiping and wiping and wiping and wiping and wiping and wiping and wiping and wiping and wiping and wiping and wiping and wiping and wiping and wiping and wiping and wiping and wiping and wiping and wiping and wiping and wiping and wiping and wiping and wiping and wiping and wiping and wiping and wiping and wiping and wiping and wiping and wiping and wiping and wiping and wiping and wiping and wiping and wiping and wiping and wiping and wiping and wiping and wiping
For those who stuck around this long your anus is chafed, and bleeding, while tears of regret prick your eyes.
PS:You clogged the toilet on the last flush and your plunger is missing.
checky ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:11:26 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)*
[deleted]
shhh
Zephk ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:41:46 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Only 6, where is mass?
ziggrrauglurr ยท 27 points ยท Posted at 17:00:32 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Then I will be your moral enemy. The God of Bidets, cleaner of asses with my mighty jet of water; also satisfier of frustrated housewives and teenagers.
[deleted] ยท 17 points ยท Posted at 17:07:21 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Nah, we can get along - I'm a pretty chill god. This doesn't have to be an Athena/Mars sort of rivalry, we can have overlapping realms of magisteria, it's cool with me.
ziggrrauglurr ยท 13 points ยท Posted at 17:30:49 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Welllll... I guess people can wipe clean and then jump to the bidet.... We can make this work.... Damn, we're better at this than the Olympians already.
[deleted] ยท 7 points ยท Posted at 17:35:35 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Seriously! Different strokes for different folks, and we're just low-level gods at the moment anyway. I don't want to be the god of pooptickets forever!
Deksloc ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 22:37:19 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Different wipes for different types.
Lemerney2 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 22:02:20 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
you two can work together. i dub thee the clean ass duo.
ziggrrauglurr ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:01:10 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Yes I said moral, not mortal you psycho.
Wikkitikki ยท 9 points ยท Posted at 16:37:27 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Send me thy tome of infinite bowel movement cleanliness and I will be your eternal disciple.
[deleted] ยท 7 points ยท Posted at 16:49:34 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Hypothetically, if you were really a devout disciple, you wouldn't need my tome in the first place - such a tome would only be full of poop tickets anyway. Properly rendering unto me both a fiber-rich diet and my due prayers would give you 3 second poops that were so clean you wouldn't even need to wipe.
[deleted] ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 18:05:50 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Yeah good thing I follow Bidetus. God of the porcelain throne that cleans your butt on its own.
[deleted] ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 18:07:40 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Eh, we get along, he's a cool guy, most of our people don't inhabit the same areas.
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 23:45:34 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
cyberkitten ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 18:34:00 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Why have you forsaken meeee?!?! :(
continues eating pizza and fried chicken
[deleted] ยท 11 points ยท Posted at 18:39:01 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
As I have said to your brother in sin:
cyberkitten ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 18:42:02 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Thank you O Lord!
paradox037 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 18:39:08 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Thank you for the clean wipe I just had while reading this. I shit you not. Er, wait...
[deleted] ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 18:45:30 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Your praise confuses me, but I'm a benevolent god for the most part so I'll take your meaning in any event.
ApharoahsKING ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 21:56:13 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Its taco Tuesday, I'm currently praising thy name /u/mnementh2230
GainzdalfTheWhey ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:08:50 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of Phantom Poop also
[deleted] ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 18:15:00 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Well yeah, if you do the prayer and the fiber, that's what you get. :)
ilikeike95 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:14:18 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Damn, beat me to it.
OhCrapItsYouAgain ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:27:36 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
It didn't work O great one! What have I done that Thou hast caste the evil endless wiper on mine arse??!
Seriously...it's like a permanent marker right now.
[deleted] ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 18:37:38 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Verily thou hast offended me with thine weak praise and the consumption of too much meat! A balanced diet pleases me, as does repetition of my sacred prayer throughout the movement, "Oh Mnementh2230, Cleanse my Colon, clean my clog, let it be all one big log!"
But seriously bro, eat more vegetables.
shitting_frisbees ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:00:06 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
but there are always at least 2 wipes. if you nail the first wipe, and even if it is one of those poops you know is a single wiper, you always have to do a check wipe. I mean I have to anyway. some of you fuckers are probably crazy enough to skip the check wipe.
[deleted] ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 19:02:54 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Such is the nature of faith, my son - though if your username is any indication, you've got bigger problems in this department.
shitting_frisbees ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:14:00 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
hail based one wipe god
Mexisio87 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:00:17 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
No one's going to give a shit about you once they try out baby wipes.
[deleted] ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 19:02:06 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Ah, but they will! For the most devout of my followers, who both give proper praise and partake of the holy fiber in appropriate amounts will need neither tickets nor wipes, for their deposits shall be bereft of leavings!
felixjawesome ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:47:43 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Can I be the god of the "clean pinch?" You know, when you wipe, but there's nothing on it because it was a solid dump with a relaxed sphincter that refrains from chopping logs.
Otherwise, I'll be the God of "Gambling on a fart." Pray to me, and I shall keep your trousers free of poop.
[deleted] ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 20:12:37 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
See, I've already got that covered (prayer plus fiber), so you're going to have to go the gambling-on-a-fart route.
felixjawesome ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 20:15:19 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I can live with that.
tramador7 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 20:13:24 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Afterwards even.
glow2hi ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 20:28:34 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I have baby wipes I have no need of you lesser god
[deleted] ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 20:32:22 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Ah, but you see my son, with proper prayer and the right amount of holy fiber, you wouldn't need baby wipes either: a clean pinch with no leavings from your deposit is what I offer.
riffraff100214 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 20:34:13 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The god of the high fiber diet.
ZombieSnake ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 21:10:01 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Are you also the bringer of dingleberries?
[deleted] ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 00:59:23 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
It's not one of the stories I'm more fond of, but yes.
jrob1235789 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 21:12:57 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
id rather you be the god of that little piece of shit that hangs out of your ass that you cant get to come out
iwillnotgetaddicted ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 21:33:54 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
You must be the God who turned me vegan!
Thank you.
thestevemeistro ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 21:39:03 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
What about those poops where you know you pooped, but there's nothing in the toilet and nothing on the TP when you wipe? Are you in charge of those too?
[deleted] ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 01:00:04 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Oh yes...
Samoflan ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 21:45:29 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
One wipe? I'm afraid I could never have that much faith.
[deleted] ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 01:02:39 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Unlike some other gods, I don't demand that you not test me. I get it. :)
crispybaconsalad ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 21:50:22 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Puts a whole new meaning to "I'll pray to god when I give a shit."
Stonwin_Hillchurch ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 21:53:23 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I am reading this whilst pooping and honestly, it feels like a sticky marmite mess.
How did I anger you??
[deleted] ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 01:03:54 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Not enough veg in your diet.
xenocratas ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 22:03:28 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
You! I choose you as my god.
largaxis ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 22:15:42 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
There should never be only one wipe. You gotta have a final inspection twirl.
[deleted] ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 01:05:06 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
If that's what you need, that's cool. I don't take offense. :)
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 22:57:02 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
You have no power here or south of the border demon. Everyday is taco Tuesday.
ProfessorChaos5049 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 23:29:43 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Do I need to sacrifice a goat. Cause I'd go slay 10 right now in your name if I could be blessed by your powers.
[deleted] ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 01:06:26 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Nah, leave the poor goats be - just have some fiber and recite the prayer I outlined elsewhere here.
iamthejubster ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:24:20 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Does that include hard drives?
jiso ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:31:11 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I'll be the god of making sure the girl you just had sex with didn't have white sheets, in case u/Mnementh2230 is busy that day.
notasrelevant ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:41:28 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I believe a 1-wipe cleanup is only true when it's a no-wipe. I believe this is the formula for calculating wipes:
N + C = T
N: Number of cleaning wipes
C: confirmation wipe; always equal to or greater than 1
T: Total wipes
You must always add at least 1 additional wipe to the cleaning wipes for confirmation of cleanliness. One must never assume the cleaning is finished before the confirmation wipe(s).
mocatsmocrazy ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:03:07 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I am pretty sure you're the god I'm cursing when I've got the explosive IBS attacks.
[deleted] ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 01:07:56 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Ah, IBS isn't something I'd do, that's just mean.
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:40:10 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Actually, for some reason I think I prefer 2 wipesโฆ maybe to feel more secureโฆ idk
General_Pants ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:49:44 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I'm guessing you're a fan of the one wipe Charlie
Iamyoursquirtle ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:08:09 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I've never experienced this one-wipe miracle. I should pray harder.
sephirogue ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:28:39 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
What are you talking about? Girls don't poop.
tizniz ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:47:11 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I am praying to you as I write this. I made curry for dinner, so my faith is sure and your blessing is greatly needed.
BiggerLongerAndUncut ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 04:29:03 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Your physical form would be Mr. Hanky the Christmass Poo.
smokeout3000 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 04:59:06 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
If we pray hard enough will we be blessed with a flawless victory?
[deleted] ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 12:17:46 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
But of course!
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:19:50 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I would like to be clean after words, before words, but also after wards.
SLOPPYMYSECONDS ยท 4558 points ยท Posted at 11:17:07 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of I just fucked up and hope nobody saw\will know.
mcampo84 ยท 2813 points ยท Posted at 13:18:55 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I like how you used a backslash here. Subtle.
[deleted] ยท 2299 points ยท Posted at 14:41:45 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)*
[removed]
Mockapapella ยท 686 points ยท Posted at 15:33:56 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
BURN THE WITCH!
arkady48 ยท 186 points ยท Posted at 16:27:01 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
He turned me into a NEWT!!!!
[deleted] ยท 48 points ยท Posted at 16:28:23 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
[deleted]
Meteorfinn ยท 12 points ยท Posted at 17:08:40 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
BURRN HEEERRRRR!!!!!!
[deleted] ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 17:31:43 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
[deleted]
Meteorfinn ยท 7 points ยท Posted at 19:42:57 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Why do witches float?
[deleted] ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 23:16:41 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Because...they're made of...wood?
Meteorfinn ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 07:08:02 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
GOOOD! And how do we know she's made of wood?
V1russ ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 19:15:43 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Because she burns!
philiplis ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 18:53:28 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
rude >:)
philiplis ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 18:53:41 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
sht sorry >:(*
sbarrettm ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 19:31:20 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Why do witches burn?
Meteorfinn ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 19:42:33 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Because they're made of wood?
sbarrettm ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 20:09:33 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
GOOOOOOOD! How do we know she is made of wood?
MrAmazingApple ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 20:45:15 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Build a bridge out of her!
sbarrettm ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 21:41:13 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Ahhh but can you not also build bridges out of stone?
sbarrettm ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 21:41:53 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Tell me, does wood sink in water?
TheGrandMaestro ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 23:13:02 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Who are you, who are so wise in the ways of science?
Meteorfinn ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 07:07:10 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
W.. Witches float in water?
Shut_your_slut_mouth ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 17:32:57 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
A newt?
arkady48 ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 17:33:56 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I got better....
NotTheRightAnswer ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 17:40:44 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Burn her anyway!
arkady48 ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 17:44:06 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
There are ways of telling whether she is a witch....
NotTheRightAnswer ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 17:48:22 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
There are? Well, tell us!
arkady48 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:49:06 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Tell me, what do you do with witches?
JSDS999 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:13:00 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
BURN 'EM!!
arkady48 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:15:42 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
What do you burn apart from witches?
collinsl02 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:17:58 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
More witches!
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:20:26 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Wood!!!
arkady48 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:21:19 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
So, why do witches burn?
cauebs ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 18:30:38 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Because... They're made out of wood?
arkady48 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 18:42:40 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Goood!!
So, how do we tell if she is made of wood?
43v3rTHEPIZZA ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 18:44:21 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
BUILD A BRIDGE OUT OF HER!
arkady48 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 18:48:23 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Ahhh, but can you not also make bridges out of stones?
43v3rTHEPIZZA ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 18:49:29 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Oh yeah, right.
arkady48 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 18:50:33 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Does wood sink in water?
collinsl02 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 19:10:21 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
No, It floats! Throw her into the pond!
arkady48 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 19:15:20 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
What also floats in water?
NotTheRightAnswer ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:20:22 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Apples! Grapes! Cranberries! Very small rocks!
Vagoasdf ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:34:10 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Ducks!
arkady48 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:53:35 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
A DUCK!
MrAmazingApple ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 20:46:31 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Exactly! So, logically if...
arkady48 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 22:46:45 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
If she ways the same as a duck, she's made of wood!
collinsl02 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 20:29:59 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Churches! Lead! Cider! Great Gravy!
Dudemanbrosirguy ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 18:13:53 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
You don't look like a newt.
NathanOC ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 19:16:22 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I got better.
NotThtPatrickStewart ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 20:10:47 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Did you get better?
supercookieguy ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 20:45:04 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
A newt?!
StarlightFalcon ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 21:48:29 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
That's a shame, I hope you get better.
MountainYogi94 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 22:05:08 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Well I got better...
A_Deep_Sigh ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 22:10:23 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
...
I got better.
mister-rik ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 22:14:30 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
.... I got better
corobo ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 22:19:42 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
BURN THE NEWT!!
Chucktayz ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 22:40:15 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
...well I got better
dersaphirdrache ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 23:27:37 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
A newt?
arkady48 ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 23:29:02 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I got better...
TheSonOfLaw ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 01:10:32 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I got better.
ButtsexEurope ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 01:44:57 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
He got better.
dudeguy_loves_reddit ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:54:20 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
...I got better.
DasJuden63 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 04:54:39 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
A newt?
massafakka ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 06:04:36 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
A NEWT!?
_kelly_5sos ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 13:34:33 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Well... I got better
SimplifyEUW ยท 14 points ยท Posted at 16:05:35 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Heretic!
Not_A_Facehugger ยท 8 points ยท Posted at 16:40:23 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Kill the traitor.
[deleted] ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 17:05:34 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
FOR THE WATCH
dudewheresmycar-ma ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:26:01 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Fuck Ollie
MoronicEagles ยท 14 points ยท Posted at 16:50:15 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
"what do we burn, aside from witches?" MOAR WITCHES!!!!!!!!
SirSkidMark ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 17:27:47 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
BUILD A BRIDGE OUT OF HER!
NotTheRightAnswer ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 17:41:13 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Ah, but aren't bridges also built out of stone?
JSDS999 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 18:13:54 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Exactly! So what else does wood do?
collinsl02 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:19:12 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
It floats! Throw her into the pond!
red2wedge ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:36:20 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Ahhhhh, but can you also not build bridges out of stone?
TasteOfKate ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 16:37:27 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
But how do we knowwwww he's a witch??
the_honest_liar ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 16:59:45 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Cause he looks like one!
scooter8709 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 07:27:26 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
PURGE THE HERETIC
MemphisMarcos ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:23:03 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
OFF WITH THEIR HEAD
ColourSchemer ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:31:53 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
"Yeah, but she's our witch, so cut her down."
murraybiscuit ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:38:15 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
SHE TURNED ME INTO A NEWT!
collinsl02 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 18:19:42 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Well I got better...
collinsl02 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:17:34 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
But how do you know she is a witch?
Sassofrits ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:30:33 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
WURN THE BITCH
GarageguyEve ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 21:07:49 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Did you know during the salem witch trials they actually never burned anyone. We went over that time period in US history last week.
iamnotbanned ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 21:12:33 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
TEST
Scrambo91 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:55:17 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
He's not a witch, he's your god!
Twisted_Coil ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 06:53:54 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Then nuke the f**ker just to make sure.
TransgenderPride ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 11:56:54 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
She weighs less than a duck!
willfulda ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 08:20:59 on September 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
"You don't actually think your sister is a witch do you?" "yeah no I'm pretty sure she's a witch"
eldeeder ยท 8 points ยท Posted at 15:45:54 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
/u/SLOPPYMYSECONDS works in mysterious ways...
revital9 ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 17:23:29 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Shel khek nem ron.
[deleted] ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 17:44:13 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Kree!
ThatguyfromMichigan ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 15:35:11 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
My faith is shattered! Grab the pitch forks!
Not_A_Facehugger ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 16:38:58 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Where is /u/pitchforkemporium when you need him?
PitchforkEmporium ยท 14 points ยท Posted at 16:52:16 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
In class
Not_A_Facehugger ยท 7 points ยท Posted at 16:54:51 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
You have let us all down then. if I had a pitch fork I'd use it against you! no but really go back to paying attention to class and get off reddit.
PitchforkEmporium ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 17:23:34 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Hahahaha
No I'm taking cool classes that are easy since I'm a senior so I can Reddit.
Not_A_Facehugger ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 17:27:20 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
ah the nice senioritis schedule, I respect it. I miss high school, when I could go on reddit like all the time. I mean I'm still on here a bunch but I have more important stuff to do.
PitchforkEmporium ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 18:06:25 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Yeah I've made sure I can get good grades with this class schedule
Not_A_Facehugger ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 19:23:39 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
That's good. and that way you can focus on college, assuming that is your plan that is.
PitchforkEmporium ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 19:36:10 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Yeah I'm probably leaving the US for school
It's too damn expensive here.
Plus I'm fluent in Japanese so I'll just go there hopefully
Not_A_Facehugger ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 19:43:03 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
isn't going abroad for college more expensive? but yeah it is expensive here. I chose to go to a very expensive school which sucks for that reason, although I like the school.
PitchforkEmporium ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 19:55:51 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
My plans are to go to the top private school in Tokyo and it's like 10k and on top of that most kids get scholarships and I could apply for a scholarship for poor kids cause I have no money.
Not_A_Facehugger ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 20:04:49 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I thought most international students don't get scholarships. or maybe that is just government scholarships and/or in the US only. but damn 10k, I pay about 50k a year, before scholarships and such, if I only had to pay 10k I'd be living the rich life at school(not really).
PitchforkEmporium ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 20:37:09 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Yeah exactly.
The scholarships are both government and just the school and various donors
It's fucking awesome if I get accepted.
It's my dream to go to this school and I'm just hoping I can get in.
shaxamo ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 20:49:49 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Never seen you not pushing pitchforks before. Kinda makes me feel uncomfortable.... I think I want to return this...
-----E
PitchforkEmporium ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 21:00:15 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Bro I do a lot of stuff on this account.
But yeah I mainly sell pitchforks when asked.
shaxamo ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 21:16:34 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Ah I see. Apologies.
Whilst I have you here, could you take a look at this for me. Seems faulty.
-----F
PitchforkEmporium ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 21:21:36 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
-----E
There you go! Free lifetime warranty is included in all my pitchforks :D
Not_A_Facehugger ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 20:55:36 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I hope you get in. I got in to my dream school and it is awesome.
PitchforkEmporium ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 20:59:44 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
May I ask what school?
Not_A_Facehugger ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 22:28:13 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Quinnipiac University. It is a small university in Connecticut.
PitchforkEmporium ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 22:30:37 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Oh that's a pretty good school!
All I've heard about it is that it's a good school and that it has a nice campus.
Not_A_Facehugger ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 22:44:20 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
It is and I love the campus.
You must be from the north east. Back where I am from no one has really heard of the school.
PitchforkEmporium ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 22:46:45 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I'm in Virginia but yeah some folks I know from my hometown in Ottawa have gone there.
Not_A_Facehugger ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 22:51:45 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Ah okay. Yeah it is a small school but it seems unusually common to meet someone that has gone here/knows someone who does. In my home city I've met two other people randomly that fit that.
PitchforkEmporium ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 22:53:50 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I know it as the school that I can't say the name of at all
Not_A_Facehugger ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 22:57:45 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
It took me a while to be able to pronounce it. And by that I mean a week or two after starting school here.
PitchforkEmporium ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 23:02:56 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Lol
What classes are you taking?
Not_A_Facehugger ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 00:14:28 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I'm a business major, why do you ask?
PitchforkEmporium ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 00:55:44 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Oooooooh
I want to major in business myself!
Not_A_Facehugger ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 02:02:05 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
What area? I'm an international Business major.
PitchforkEmporium ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 02:18:50 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
That's exactly what I plan to do!
How is the course?
Not_A_Facehugger ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 02:28:43 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
That is a very strange coincidence.
It's not bad, I'm enjoying it although I'm only in my 2nd major specific class.
PitchforkEmporium ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 02:32:18 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Yeah I wanna do international business since if I get into my dream school and get the international business degree then I would love to stay and work in Japan with international business. I'm pretty sure it'd go well with my bilingual skills
Not_A_Facehugger ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 02:42:34 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
That sounds like a good plan and a bit more thought out then mine.
PitchforkEmporium ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:01:02 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
XD
What's your plan?
Not_A_Facehugger ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 03:09:12 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
My plain is to get a job as sort of the negotiator at a company. Basically be the guy the company sends to different countries to meet with subsidiaries or partners or what not.
PitchforkEmporium ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 03:16:35 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Yeah I wanna do that in Japan.
If I get paid the rate that people in Tokyo make except they send me to a foreign country then it'd be amazing.
Not_A_Facehugger ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 11:24:17 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I don't know the rate they pay in Tokyo.
If they pay me over minimum plus travel expenses I'd be happy.
PitchforkEmporium ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 11:32:32 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Same here basically.
They pay for living as well usually if they send you over for a long time.
I'd love that.
I'd get to be close to my family in Japan for once and then fly back to America or Canada and do business there where I know a lot of folks as well
Not_A_Facehugger ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 13:01:28 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Yeah they do to an extent. That sounds like a fun plan.
Is it weird that I've been planning all this yet have never been outside North America?
PitchforkEmporium ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 13:27:59 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Lol you'll love it
Not_A_Facehugger ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 13:32:08 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I do hope so. this time next year I should be in China for a semester abroad which should be a ton of fun.
PitchforkEmporium ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 13:37:30 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Visit Japan
I'll give you tips on where to go
Not_A_Facehugger ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 13:58:02 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I'll try but that is a little easier said then done. I've already committed to going to China for my semester abroad. I do want to visit japan though, My grandfather is from there and my dad went a lot when he was a kid, It seems like a cool place.
PitchforkEmporium ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 14:11:40 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
:)
I'll help you out with places to stay and stuff if you decide to stop over there for a few days
Not_A_Facehugger ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 14:27:13 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Thanks I'll keep that in mind, although that probably wont happen. that seems like an expensive weekend trip. haha
PitchforkEmporium ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 15:16:13 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
It can be cheap and you can do it on the way to China xD
Not_A_Facehugger ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 16:15:12 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
My school takes care of the flights to China and back so I doubt they would have me stopping in japan, it would be cool though.
PitchforkEmporium ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 16:23:24 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Ah well you can always ask xD
Not_A_Facehugger ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 16:29:53 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
True and I'll find my way to japan eventually.
PitchforkEmporium ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 17:54:17 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
:)
Not_A_Facehugger ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 17:56:20 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Maybe it will be where you are although it will probably be years down the road :)
PitchforkEmporium ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 18:43:50 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Indeed!
I'll hopefully be in Tokyo
Not_A_Facehugger ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 18:54:16 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I'm sure Tokyo will be awesome when you get there.
PitchforkEmporium ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 20:10:16 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I know! XD I've lived there before
It's fabulous
Not_A_Facehugger ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 20:20:25 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
How does it compare to the US?
PitchforkEmporium ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 20:38:55 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
For me there's more positives than negatives.
Things are generally better over all there. Like for example service. You'll receive excellent service for anywhere you go. And on top of that food everywhere has a standard of being really really good for cheap prices and fast service.
Downside to that is that every job becomes harder because you have to give a shit about what you're doing. If your job doesn't deal too much with other people then you'll probably be unaffected.
Language barrier for you. It's a easy barrier since basically every restaurant has an English menu and everyone speaks some English, enough to help you order or go to wherever you want. The metro systems map is completely in English and Japanese
There's a lot more that I can tell you about if you have any specific questions
Not_A_Facehugger ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 20:53:16 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I would hope that their food is good, I'd kind of be disappointed if say sushi from a restaurant here or the good I make at home is generally better the truly authentic Japanese food.
Yeah I heard that they are more strict and hard working but I can deal with that.
I'm glad the language barrier isn't to much of an issue because I don't think I'd have time to become proficient in both Japanese and Chinese. Although some parts do overlap.
I really don't have many specific questions for Japan currently. Maybe is Tokyo as high tec as movies or news and stuff make it seem?
PitchforkEmporium ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 20:58:02 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Food is the best thing ever there
So tech....
They're not behind but their internet is shit and most people only get 10 TV channels.
Phones are basically all IPhone since Apple has dominated in Japan
Cell service is great but the cellular data sucks majorly.
If you like video games you'll play mostly offline and in arcades (which are amazing)
Not_A_Facehugger ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 21:01:57 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
How does the Japanese food there differ from here?
Oh well I can say I really didn't expect that, I mean that is fairly similar to lots of parts of the US but I was expecting like great internet.
PitchforkEmporium ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 21:10:35 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Japanese food there is actually all fresh. Japanese peoples standard for food is so much higher so as a result everything is a higher quality.
Plus it's cheap as hell.
Like you can get a huge full bowl of fresh ramen for $4~5 equivalent in yen.
It's fucking amazing
Not_A_Facehugger ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 21:20:12 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Awesome, that's way better then $11 for a bowl of Udon from the Japanese place by me. I really want to go to japan but that is $1000 minimum for a flight.
PitchforkEmporium ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 21:23:50 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
You can get down to $700 ~ $800 at off peak times
Not_A_Facehugger ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 21:30:52 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I don't know I checked now until February on google ( I'll admit that it ain't that great of a search) and it never dropped below $1000. but It probably does at some point. to shanghai is like $700 right now. also this only from the airport closest to my house to both of those places.
PitchforkEmporium ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 21:33:14 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
is it direct?
Direct always costs more.
I'm good at these searches. Which airport is closest to you?
I bet I can find one cheap flight XD
Not_A_Facehugger ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 21:42:21 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
It was not direct, I was searching Denver International. which isn't the closest to me right now, I'm at school, but is the closet to my home.
PitchforkEmporium ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 21:51:24 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I bet I can find something good
PitchforkEmporium ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 21:59:30 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Oh cool it's not that much more than going straight to Japan.
https://www.google.com/flights/#search;iti=DEN_HND,NRT_2015-09-25*HND,NRT_PEK,NAY_2015-10-02;tt=m
Not_A_Facehugger ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 22:44:49 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I mean I still don't have money and I doubt that they would let me chose my flight but that Ain't bad. it is a little more expensive going to shanghai rather then Beijing but still not bad.
PitchforkEmporium ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 22:53:17 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Yeah. I think if you ask you might be able to choose your own flight if it isn't that different.
But it all depends on the school I guess.
Oh also for the International Business
What courses do you have to take for it in college/University(I don't know the difference)
I'm taking a lot of AP classes so I'm not sure what's gonna be useful later on and such.
Not_A_Facehugger ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 23:23:40 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Well I still have a lot of time before that, but I'll figure that out in time.
I believe that College is more a 2 year type deal and university is the 4 year but they are kind of used interchangeably.
Do you want to know IB specifics of all the courses? I mean every university is different. for me there is IB201 Globalization and International Business, IB 311 International marketing, IB313 International Marketing Research, IB320 Intro to Global Entrepreneurship, IB324 Negotiation Internationally, IB335 International Finance, IB345 Two-way Management of Global supply, IB352 International Management, IB401 International Strategy and Business Plan, IB488 International Business Internship(not a class but still and opportunity to get credit through my school)
I've only completed 201 and am in 324.
PitchforkEmporium ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 23:25:49 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Ah I'm taking AP.
Most schools accept AP though which is good :)
Not_A_Facehugger ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 23:32:13 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Well it really depends on your university and major. I know a lot of science based majors don't accept science AP credits. also I feel that international schools don't accept it. but it is still good you are taking AP classes, they do help in getting prepared for college work load. I only took 2 AP classes and didn't take either tests.
PitchforkEmporium ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 23:34:17 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
So far I've taken 6.
I'm taking 3 more this year.
Good thing is my dream school Waseda University accepts AP :D
Not_A_Facehugger ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 23:37:03 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
What AP classes?
That is good. it would be a waste of money otherwise.
PitchforkEmporium ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 23:41:17 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
AP Language, Music Theory, Physics, Japanese, Psychology, Literature, Statistics, and Comparative Government + US Government combined.
Not_A_Facehugger ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 23:43:57 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I didn't even know AP music theory, Japanese and psychology existed. I only took AP US history and AP European history.
PitchforkEmporium ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 23:45:57 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
XD
Music Theory was pretty tough but I did that one for fun.
Japanese was just because it's easy for me
Psychology seemed cool and I'm taking it this year
Not_A_Facehugger ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 23:55:29 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Music Theory was tough?
I guessed that for the Japanese
Psychology is fairly fun.
PitchforkEmporium ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 23:59:06 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Music theory exam was basically:
Listen to shit and be able to tell the chord structure and progression of the song by listening to it 3 times and then write all of that down.
Then you hear a song then have to write all the notes down in a few minutes.
Then there's a multiple choice portion which I aced since it's just memorization shit.
But then there's the dreaded sight singing. And I'm not sure why but I'm one of those people that isn't tone deaf but when I sing the note I want to sing doesn't come out my mouth and it's bad. So I bombed that portion of the test horribly. You just have to read notes and sing the exact pitch and sing a whole song. It sucks.
Not_A_Facehugger ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 00:10:55 on September 10, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
That Actually does sound tough haha.
PitchforkEmporium ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 00:18:09 on September 10, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Yeah basically the only reason I took it was because I wanted to learn how to write music for piano properly.
Didn't learn how to write anything except 18th Century style partwriting.
So I can write classical shit but that's about it.
But hey I can still make up shit by ear and write it down. But I can't use a formula to write good stuff.
Not_A_Facehugger ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 00:54:53 on September 10, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Eh you can just focus on practicing and you'll be able to do it. I have no musical talent if that makes you feel better.
PitchforkEmporium ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 01:04:33 on September 10, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Lol yeah I'm decent at just playing stuff that sounds good
Not_A_Facehugger ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 01:08:24 on September 10, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
That's good. talents are always good.
PitchforkEmporium ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 01:25:07 on September 10, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
:D
But I wanna do business because I'm good with people.
I'm pretty well rounded in everything else. Not really exceptional in anything except people. I'm good with everything from befriending to manipulating. I don't do the latter but I know I can.
So logically I think I'd be good with business hopefully.
Not_A_Facehugger ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 01:48:58 on September 10, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Thats smart.
I'd like to think I am good with people. I mean I'm not bad but I don't know if I'm "good". I do try to be likable and am decent at negotiating. I Plan on eventually making the jump from business into politics but that is a while down the road.
PitchforkEmporium ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 01:59:07 on September 10, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Haha I'd love to do politics but I'm not a US citizen yet.
That'd be what would suit me best probably.
Not_A_Facehugger ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 02:00:40 on September 10, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Oh your not a US citizen?
I really enjoy it although most of reddit ain't a fan of some of my views.
PitchforkEmporium ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 02:09:15 on September 10, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I'm gonna guess you're conservative?
Honestly I think those redditors who shit on other people who say what there opinion is are assholes.
As long as someone keeps the conversation civil I'm always up for talking about beliefs politically or religiously
I'm liberal myself but I like hearing all arguments.
US politics interests me since I love how they aren't really openly corrupt. They say they're not but it's pretty obvious.
In Japan everyone knows the government is corrupt as fuck but it doesn't really effect the common person and the government cares about average people so people don't care about the corrupt shit that goes on like the government letting the Yakuza do whatever.
US politics is just fun for some reason.
Not_A_Facehugger ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 02:18:43 on September 10, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I'm at least more conservative. I'm fairly neutral but lean conservative. I am not a fan of sanders, which reddit love for some reason.
I agree, I will listen to others and even admit if I am wrong but it needs to be kept civil. Something reddit sometimes has an issue with
Yeah I mean if feel corruption isn't quite as big as people make it out to be but it is there and you are right we tend to keep it more quite which makes it hard to keep track of.
I admit I know next to nothing about Japanese politics so I'll just take your word for it.
US politics is very fun.
PitchforkEmporium ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 11:12:36 on September 10, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
:)
It's funny in Japan because the Yakuza(a gang) is a legal organization that anyone is allowed to join.
It's probably because they're older than the actual Japanese government
Not_A_Facehugger ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 12:49:52 on September 10, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I know about the yakuza but I had no idea it was a legal thing. I can believe they are older then the current government though. I mean wasn't the current government created after ww2.
PitchforkEmporium ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 13:44:17 on September 10, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Yep
The current Japanese government works pretty well though so and the country runs pretty well except when it comes to foreign policy
Like TPP is good for other countries but fucks Japanese common people horribly. It rolls back health and safety standards Japan has like food labels that list everything.
So Japanese people are sueing the government
Not_A_Facehugger ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 14:33:49 on September 10, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Damn that sucks. Hopefully they find a way to deal with that. There is a lot less suing of the government here. Although my state has been sued by other states a couple time recently.
PitchforkEmporium ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 17:15:22 on September 10, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Yeah it does suck
Not_A_Facehugger ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 17:22:21 on September 10, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
It could be worse though.
PitchforkEmporium ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:32:24 on September 10, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
True true. The yakuza ain't as bad as the crips or bloods though so that's a plus
Not_A_Facehugger ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 19:26:04 on September 10, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
That is good. I imagine they probably aren't to present to the random person.
PitchforkEmporium ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:29:33 on September 10, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The only common person effected is usually homeless but they give the homeless jobs.
Really really bad jobs like cleaning up shit or radioactive shit near Fukushima. But still jobs.
The other things they do is just go around to shops and collect their "protection tax" that says they'll protect your shop.
Sometimes they've actually caught criminals that have robbed from a store though. And it isn't too much.
They're basically just a big profitable organization that does sketchy stuff sometimes. Better than some corporations here in America XD cough Nestle cough
Not_A_Facehugger ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 19:42:11 on September 10, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Sounds like they are a bit of a mix between a government and a mob. Still sucks though. Do the average people dislike them or do they not care?
PitchforkEmporium ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 19:51:47 on September 10, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Average people bitch about them but it's basically the only semi bad thing that really effects some Japanese people.
It's a pretty good place otherwise.
Oh and another bad thing is that you don't usually get paid to work overtime but you're expected to
Not_A_Facehugger ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 19:59:49 on September 10, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
There are plenty of jobs that have that. I mean they tend to by higher up but still. I know my 2nd cousin doesn't get payed overtime but he is very busy a lot of time. It is the whole hourly verses fixed pay. If you have a fixed pay then it doesn't matter how many hours you work.
PitchforkEmporium ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 20:02:29 on September 10, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Yeah they have an hourly salary.
They're forced to do overtime. But then if you do good you get a huge bonus at the end of the year.
So instead of making it immediately you get it later.
Not_A_Facehugger ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 20:04:57 on September 10, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Well at least an incentive is there for them. end of the year bonuses are nice too.
PitchforkEmporium ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 20:10:55 on September 10, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Yeah!
But work is hard
I wonder what kind of company my contacts can get me into in Tokyo
Not_A_Facehugger ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 20:14:43 on September 10, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I can't answer that for you but I am sure you will find a good place.
PitchforkEmporium ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 20:18:40 on September 10, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
:)
It'll be fun XD
Not_A_Facehugger ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 20:29:47 on September 10, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I'm sure, I might try and get a job while in china but that could be hard.
PitchforkEmporium ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 20:32:26 on September 10, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
There's probably a lot of english stuff for you there.
Not_A_Facehugger ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 20:38:34 on September 10, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Haha that isn't the problem. the problem is that getting a visa to get a job is different then to be a student so I have to get a different visa on the off chance I can find a job. if I can't get it then it would literally be illegal for me to get a job while in china.
PitchforkEmporium ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 20:39:32 on September 10, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Hmmm.
Maybe they have something for students to work small jobs though while on a student visa?
Not_A_Facehugger ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 22:18:43 on September 10, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I mean maybe. Also I think that internships are a different visa then work so that adds to the craziness.
PitchforkEmporium ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 22:19:34 on September 10, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
True true
Not_A_Facehugger ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 23:01:38 on September 10, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Yeah but I'll figure all that out later.
PitchforkEmporium ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 23:05:37 on September 10, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Good luck though!
Not_A_Facehugger ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 23:20:27 on September 10, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Thanks and good luck with your college applications.
PitchforkEmporium ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 23:25:22 on September 10, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Have a nice day!
PM Me whenever you want a conversation :)
Not_A_Facehugger ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 23:42:16 on September 10, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
You too.
And you feel free to also.:)
PitchforkEmporium ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 23:51:21 on September 10, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
:)
Saved ya
Not_A_Facehugger ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:22:21 on September 10, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
It could be worse though.
ibattlemonsters ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 14:19:12 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
give me tips on where to go.
PitchforkEmporium ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 14:26:40 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Pm me and I got your back :)
VirtusGoat ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 17:30:15 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Highschool. Cool classes.
No. Just wait, you'll realize one day nothing was cool or useful.
silentclowd ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:56:33 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I mean learning spreadsheets was pretty useful. Look how productive I am!
PitchforkEmporium ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:05:54 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I like all my classes
I'm only responding in lunch or my classes where I'm the teachers assistant
Chuurp ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:20:13 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I don't know, one class I took in highschool had a unit on aliens, the history of sightings and encounter stories, some various explanations, etc.
I later used what I had learned in that class to correctly identify what some friends of mine thought was a UFO as birds. (Birds flying in formation over cities at night is a common source of UFO sightings. They initially appeared to be flying much higher and faster than they actually were.)
That was both cool and useful.
Mask_of_Ice ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 17:49:10 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Classy
PitchforkEmporium ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:05:23 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
tips pitchfork
collinsl02 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:22:04 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I am Dave, of Dave's discount pitchforks. I have the following models available. Only been used on one old granny, not too many miles on the clock.
------L
------W
--^-^-E
iamyourcheese ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 15:34:06 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Burn the witch!
TarquinTheBest ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 17:42:30 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
"Tell me, do you bleed?"
DeFex ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 23:34:30 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
there is no other kind.
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:13:24 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Agreed
javilez ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:15:28 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
HE'S A PHONY! A BIG FAT PHONY!!
cooliskid ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:44:45 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Maybe he's the God of irony. Or not. I don't even know what irony means anymore.
Amer_Faizan ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:17:12 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
\u\sloppymyseconds
H2iK ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:21:28 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Technically all he has to do is hope nobody sees or knows.
SMarioMan ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:39:20 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
\u\SLOPPYMYSECONDS IS A FALSE GOD, KILL IT
FTFY
greedcrow ยท 11 points ยท Posted at 15:52:57 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
He leads by example
83GTI ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 20:19:22 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Is it just me or does the backslash always some to lean more than the forward slash?
Mocha_Bean ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 00:07:32 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
ยฏ\_(ใ)_/ยฏ
[deleted] ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 16:50:32 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
[deleted]
The-Good-Doctor ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 17:11:22 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
This is a regular (forward) slash: /
This is a backslash: \
AdammabA ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:21:57 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
You're right.
Codoro ยท 160 points ยท Posted at 12:45:09 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I imagine you'll get a lot of business.
Skeetspearlnecklaces ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:25:31 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I got better
SunriseSurprise ยท 15 points ยท Posted at 16:40:34 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The god of web developers everywhere.
akatherder ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 17:02:47 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I just broke the build. It took me 3.5 minutes to fix it but somehow everyone fucking knows.
ErikNavkire ยท 8 points ยท Posted at 16:40:19 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Woah woah, OP said entry-level.
XxsquirrelxX ยท 7 points ยท Posted at 15:49:20 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
You'd be the God of TIFU.
whizzer0 ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 15:57:23 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
That's not exactly hoping nobody noticed.
awry_lynx ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 16:46:34 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
yeah it's more like God of Making Up Stories About Fucking Up But Not Really
Krono5_8666V8 ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 18:39:25 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Oh man, I'm always tripping over dumb shit, stepping into divots and rolling my ankle, bumping into door frames, lamp posts, etc... If I could set up a shrine in my room that would ensure that everyone was looking somewhere else when that happened, I swear I would literally devote a corner of my room to it. I'd even move my desk or somethign to make more room.
2OQuestions ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 23:17:32 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
How 'bout just a Goddess of Slapstick Humor
Appease her with repeated videos of the holy ones and she will bless you. Acceptable holy ones include Jerry Lewis, the Three Stooges, Benny Hill
xicaradejustica ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 20:00:44 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The twin to the God of I did something amazing that no one will ever believe actually happened when I tell the story later
Rincewinder ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 20:30:04 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
And I shall be thy nemesis, the god of I just did something miraculous but no one saw it/will never believe me.
LedZepGuy ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 15:52:21 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Master of the trip turned into a skip....
blackom ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 18:28:44 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Hey?! I thought this was supposed to be a MINOR God!
Hell, screw it! Oh Mighty SloppyMySeconds, I adore and implore thee... Bless my office workers with your vision so lacking that they see me as an acceptably valuable member of this team. Truly you are a Cloak of Ignorant Bliss for the masses. Blessed be.
AbeRego ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 19:25:02 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I forgot to use my parking brake in the mildly slanted parking lot of my job interview, today. I wish I'd known about you earlier.
SLOPPYMYSECONDS ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 20:55:11 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Damn, you should've sacrificed a BBQ sandwich. I would've been there in a jiffy.
coolmuffin121 ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 20:32:22 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of realizing you're walking the wrong way so you look at your phone and pretend to read a text as you flip around
whizzer0 ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 15:57:11 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
So, the opposite of reddit?
[deleted] ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 16:30:44 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
You can found your church in /r/TIFU
Panhandleforthecure ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 17:08:06 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
So, does this include murdering the person who saw?
strangefish108 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 17:42:57 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Good of "oops I meant to do that"
drdeadringer ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 19:20:59 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Minor Blessing: "Like A Boss". Worshipper is caught in the act of fucking up, but responds//recovers smoothly.
skalra63 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 22:23:28 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Or just fucked up but you have just enough time to pretend to find it that way
jman4220 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 01:33:52 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Praises onto thee.
kody1596 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 03:31:59 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
what about the god of "oh shit, that was awesome!! did anybody else see that?"
Drak_is_Right ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 15:04:35 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
the patron of the hit and run with the parked car
whenuseeit ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 20:15:28 on September 10, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
A few years ago I slipped and fell on my face on a tile floor. I bounced back up immediately and looked around to make sure nobody had seen me. Satisfied, I kept going on my merry way. Joke was on me though, it turned out I busted my lip and was actually leaving a trail of blood behind me. I didn't even notice until I went to scratch my chin and my hand came away bloody.
KevansMcGurgen ยท 4579 points ยท Posted at 11:21:11 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The God of sidewalk travel. Pray to me and I'll ensure the slow walkers move to one side.
[deleted] ยท 2259 points ยท Posted at 11:33:01 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)*
What kind of sacrifices do you demand for such blessings?
Edit: I'm going to sacrifice the next person who says slow walkers
KevansMcGurgen ยท 3738 points ยท Posted at 11:51:11 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
You have to not talk to me if I'm wearing headphones.
[deleted] ยท 1776 points ยท Posted at 12:41:25 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
[deleted]
ploshy ยท 1382 points ยท Posted at 14:14:15 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I've heard tales of this. I believe it's known as "flirting" to the academics.
TheRealBurty ยท 370 points ยท Posted at 14:20:33 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
care to go into more detail, please?
blanketswithsmallpox ยท 1383 points ยท Posted at 15:10:18 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
If a woman talks to you with your headphones in she's trying to say she wants to put her fingers in your ass.
megamaxie ยท 820 points ยท Posted at 15:32:37 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
My mum just asked me to take the bins out and I have headphones on...
YeahVeryeah ยท 1382 points ยท Posted at 15:34:30 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Break your arms so you can't take the trash out. This will 100% stop it from getting weird.
terzzz ยท 124 points ยท Posted at 15:44:43 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Or increase weirdness by at least 50%.
itsnotallbadmom ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 16:19:58 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Results may vary.
Corruptedwalker ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 00:44:28 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Is that in metric weirdness or customary weirdness?
jedmitchell ยท 38 points ยท Posted at 17:23:25 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
A+ Reference.
Dyslexic_Kitten ยท 59 points ยท Posted at 16:03:26 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Every damn thread
atlgeek007 ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 17:20:06 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Yeah, poor Colby.
NotGod_DavidBowie ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 20:41:36 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I know Jenny is such a bitch.
SocraticMethHead ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 19:22:15 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
It's been like 5 years too. I read that in highschool.
Cobbleking32486 ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 20:33:36 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
i've never actually seen the story. link?
AwesomesaucePhD ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 21:45:05 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Yeah, if you get it, send it this way.
elthalon ยท 12 points ยท Posted at 17:29:39 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Not a week goes by without an unsolicited reminder that once, a mother jerked off her own son in a ospital bed.
Khourieat ยท 8 points ยท Posted at 17:48:01 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Wait a minute...there was no hospital bed...he was at home...are you telling me there are TWO different stories where this kind of thing happens?!
areyouinsanelikeme ยท 9 points ยท Posted at 19:30:18 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
You're right, there was no hospital bed, according to this comment's OP it was an ospital bed.
elthalon ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:24:56 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I... remember it being in the hospital. I'm not going to look it up again, so let's leave it at that.
BobIV ยท -5 points ยท Posted at 19:05:44 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
It's an old copy/pasta that's grown into urban legend-dom.... It didn't really happen and I imagine there are dozens of not hundreds of variations on the original story by now.
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:25:04 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
It started in a hospital bed, IIRC.
JeremiahKassin ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 22:56:17 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
In a 'ospital bed, you say? Well, 'at's right bonkers, 'at is.
Mr_Tottles ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 23:33:59 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Love this comment. Totally down the road that my mind went with that too hahah.
[deleted] ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 18:49:14 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
And continued on and off for 4 years and ended up fucking him.
Xayar ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 23:05:08 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
It was at home and not only jerked....
iggypopstesticle ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 23:18:48 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
It's been literal years, Jesus christ
piperiain ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:52:02 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
An ospital bed.
Tycan ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 18:29:22 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Hey, I get this one.
ShortkneePanda ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 21:37:21 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
/r/lifeprotips
Saemika ยท 7 points ยท Posted at 18:46:52 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Every. God. Damn. Thread.
anthonygraff24 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 18:38:04 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
You just HAD to go there didn't you
foolishnun ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 19:46:02 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Very. Few. Threads.
Mortifero ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 20:49:39 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
That is the start to a really familiar story, but I can't quite put my finger on it
mr_ewe ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 20:57:51 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Should have made an offering to /u/enig-o-matic. Then you would have remembered.
LanceGD ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:14:51 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
That way she can help him jerk off?
SnoopySVK ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:29:18 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
He never said he broke his arms, he just lost the use of them.
Ronnark ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 17:31:07 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
She just thinks you have a nice, big ass. That's her way of referring to your butt cheeks. She wants you to take them out of your pants.
megamaxie ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 18:51:58 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I'm insulted you ever think they're in my pants
FredTilson ยท 25 points ยท Posted at 15:34:44 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Are your arms broken?
M-Mor-BLURGH-ty ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 17:57:43 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
( อกยฐ อส อกยฐ)
Alonminatti ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 00:37:03 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Do you happen to have two broken arms
A_Gentle_Taco ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 02:25:07 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
You tore her apart, now its her turn.
TheRealBurty ยท 8 points ยท Posted at 15:34:51 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
got it will report back with the results
awesomesonofabitch ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 19:28:45 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
So what you're telling me is I've had so many wasted opportunities.
ShamefulEuphoria ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 02:07:28 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I just realized and came back to comment. This is how my S/O and I met... And the second part eventually happened
Edit: tl;dr: can confirm
b1rd ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 17:58:05 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Ugh, I've started taking my lunch at unpopular times at work so that the break room is emptier, because no one can seem to understand that headphones + textbook + repeatedly explaining "oh yeah I try to get some homework done on lunch" = leave me alone please, I've got more important shit going on than listening to you complain about one of our managers.
sk_2013 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:50:00 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Wait, this is flirting?
God fucking dammit.
rdeluca ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 19:35:45 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
It's not flirting it's needing to be the center of attention at all times get the fuck out of my room your boyfriend isn't here fuck off anna fucks sake I put the headphones on and am reading a book to purposely ignore you fuck off you stupid bitch arghhhhhh
juicius ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:45:54 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Oh yeah, I read that book. Can you believe that the daughter was the one who did it? I did not see it coming until the last page.
kodakowl ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:47:56 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I've walked into a light pole while reading and walking. I don't do it anymore.
Indecentapathy ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:56:46 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
'Were'. Fuck.
ciny ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:25:29 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
After a long time someone made me so irrationally angry on the internet I almost punched the screen...
[deleted] ยท 27 points ยท Posted at 12:41:02 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
That's easy, I never talk to anyone.
beld ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 17:54:50 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Deal. Sign me the fuck up, I need to walk somewhere quickly.
johnnycrosshatch ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:05:55 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Or reading.
packfanmoore ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:51:27 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
This... When I'm wearing sunglasses and a hat and noise cancelling headphones I feel as if that's my fuck off face and someone missed the memo
bigblue811058 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 20:24:51 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Headphones in, world out.
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 20:58:51 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Someone understands
unruly_peasants ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 21:44:38 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
And walking with a group of people completely blocking the sidewalk is a sin that will come back to haunt one next time they're in a hurry. I shall try not offend the.
DropDeadSander ยท 70 points ยท Posted at 14:08:27 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
the blood of slow walkers
tdogg8 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 18:07:38 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Hey you are not /u/KevansMcGurgen god of sidewalk travel. You are a false god!
KevansMcGurgen ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 06:21:34 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
You have done well, my servant. May your sidewalks be always clear.
Bigbysjackingfist ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:19:14 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
how much blood (in fluid barrels) do you need?
DropDeadSander ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:28:01 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
yes.
PhilosopherFLX ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 21:11:58 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Winter coat season is coming.
[deleted] ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 17:53:12 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
And I thought white walkers were scary...
fruscola ยท 12 points ยท Posted at 14:15:36 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Used chewing gum of course.
2_poor_4_Porsche ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:33:20 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I do believe you'd get your ass kicked (in Singapore) for that.
muggledave ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:22:23 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
No blessings demanded, but if you litter you will be cursed.
Khulric ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:37:11 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The slow walkers.
tomp624 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:58:08 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Thou shalt not step on thy crack, for they shall break thy mothers back.
Morbanth ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:11:16 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The occasional pedestrian stumbling under a bus.
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:48:35 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
U have to sacrifice the slow walkers. See it works I am the 1 true god.
oi_rohe ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:05:12 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The slow walkers.
anumati ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:40:11 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Shoe soles.
[deleted] ยท 458 points ยท Posted at 13:48:18 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)*
You pray to him by slapping your feet into the ground so it sounds like you are very close to the slow walker.
In bicycle cultures he is also petitioned by simply using a bell.
These prayers nearly always work, thus proving the existence and power of our pedestrian lord /u/KevansMcGurgen
KevansMcGurgen ยท 243 points ยท Posted at 13:56:01 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
These tributes are acceptable.
PhilosopherFLX ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 21:13:24 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
๐๐๐
[deleted] ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 13:24:21 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
on the bus, going to work, reading a book
[other passenger] "Hey there, fella, whatcha readin' there? A book huh? Must be good huh?"
[reader] lays aside book, draws spear from satchel
"u/KevansMcGurgen, I invoke thy name as I commit this deed! I am awaited in Valhalla! Witness me!" sprays energy drink across his face and plunges the spear point through the interrupter, then flings himself out the bus doorway into oncoming traffic
senorglory ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 17:37:32 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)*
haha, "pedestrian" lord.
[deleted] ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 17:46:01 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
;)
Saemika ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 18:47:43 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Or yelling "LEFT!!!!"
I never know what the fuck to do at the time.
PM_YOUR_DIRTYPILLOWZ ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:38:21 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
He's the god of Pedestrianism
5thGraderLogic ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 21:40:44 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The bell trick is very excellent.
corobo ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 22:18:52 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Might just start carrying a bike bell round with me
People are going to be so confused
[deleted] ยท 70 points ยท Posted at 15:04:11 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
All hail the god of passage
HcMLonginius ยท 7 points ยท Posted at 17:34:29 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Athreos?
FormerlyGruntled ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:49:11 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Would that make the worship of the god of passage... A rite of passage?
skeeveholt ยท 16 points ยท Posted at 15:42:05 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
You are officially the patron god of NYC. How many Midwestern tourists must I sacrifice to gain your favor?
KevansMcGurgen ยท 8 points ยท Posted at 16:51:33 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
How many are there?
skeeveholt ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 18:10:02 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Just say "all of them."
TastyBrainMeats ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 16:43:05 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I love everything about this city. Except the people. And the subways. Mostly the people on the subways.
Funkays ยท 9 points ยท Posted at 15:17:45 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Do you also have control over the Asian teen girls who create slow moving walls?
UrukHaiGuyz ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 14:49:53 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
If I put gifts on your altar can you just full on smite them? Please and thank you.
ColourSchemer ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 17:35:49 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Oh Mighty KevansMcGurgen, Sidewalk Lord on High, Oh Master of cool concrete paths, forgive me for I have walked on grass. Bring me to my appointments on time and lead me not into dark alleys. For thine is the curb, and the air vent, and fire hydrant forever.
thegiantcat1 ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 14:34:09 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
What judgement do you pass on those that ride bicycles on the sidewalk, what about places where this is perfectly acceptable.
KevansMcGurgen ยท 7 points ยท Posted at 14:43:43 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
As long as they're on a shared path with due consideration, no penance shall be required. If you're a pedestrian that respects bikes or a bike that respects pedestrians, thou shalt revive my favour. Is respect shall incur my wrath.
2_poor_4_Porsche ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 15:32:37 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Except that visiting Brits and UK Commonwealth Colonials will swerve into the North Amercians every time.
KevansMcGurgen ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 16:52:23 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I'm a Brit. You dare accuse me of improper pavement etiquette, mortal?
2_poor_4_Porsche ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:06:19 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Nah, man, I was referring to how haphazardly you guys walk on the sidewalks. The pavement is for cars.
YOLOGabaGaba ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 15:33:51 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Fharlanghn
WhatJewTalkingAbout ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 16:14:31 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Can you make the sidewalk wider so it isn't as awkward walking as the third person in a group?
domagicjuan ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 16:23:48 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Brother of God of Fast Lane.
fuhry ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 16:24:51 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Can you do this on congested highways for cars too?
KevansMcGurgen ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 16:51:03 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
There's another god for that. I'm only entry level, come on.
CaptainGrandpa ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 16:55:35 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
O god, why hath thou averted thine graceful gaze from the isle of Manhattan
wharrgarble ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 16:58:06 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I would praise at your alter three times daily.
fezzikola ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 17:14:09 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
You're supposed to pick something minor and unimportant, given I'd murder for your sidewalk blessing I'm going to have to decree that the job of a major God.
AKAkindofadick ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 17:16:15 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Step on a crack?
BdAzMoFo ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 17:30:46 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Oh god please let people understand it is a side-WALK not a side-STAND!
murraybiscuit ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 17:33:03 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Gosh. I would be the God of the shopping aisles.
Those people who become entranced by something on the shelf, deserting their cart in the middle of the aisle?
Those people that put their cart down directly opposite the packing trolley?
Those people that park their cart on the corner, lying in wait for hapless shoppers rounding the bend.
One prayer to me and a wheel of their cart would develop 'a mind of its own.' Yes, you know the phenomenon. You have been warned.
dovaogedy ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 18:02:27 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
As someone who lives in a touristy neighborhood, if there were a god for that I would never stop praying to it.
Troggles ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 18:15:41 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Step on a crack and I'll break your mother's back!
Farmanimalz ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 18:18:00 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
If I'm angry, I will place someone you kind of know walking towards you. Both of you will recognize each other from afar.
November_Rainbow ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 18:48:29 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I bow to you
_thisiswater ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 19:07:47 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Imagine slow walkers when you're hiking up a mountain. This happened to me recently. It's infuriating.
RosieEmily ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 19:17:01 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
You apparently don't work in London where I am plagued on a daily basis with slow walking tourist travelling in large herds annoying the hell out of anyone trying to actually get somewhere.
bass_n_treble ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 19:20:46 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Just carry a bike bell.
newfiedave84 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 20:01:18 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Can you also cause people who take up the whole sidewalk with their double-wide baby strollers to burst into flames?
bruwin ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 20:02:05 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Oh, so you're the bastard I need to curse whenever a bit of sidewalk is just high enough to trip me if I happen to put my foot in that spot.
ashleyamdj ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 20:19:24 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Dear blessed god of sidewalk travel,
Oh wise and powerful One. Please also bless my path that I might never have to do the awkward two step dance with someone who moved out of my way a split second after I moved this putting them right back in my way.
Your loving and faithful servant, amen.
KngHrts2 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 20:29:19 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I would sacrifice thousands of slow walkers to you, oh mighty god
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 21:22:48 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
You are the one and true God.
Moomium ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 23:31:32 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I volunteer as a minion! When dispatched, I will walk uncomfortably close behind the slow walker, breathing heavily and staring, until their primal instincts tell them they're in danger and they turn around to see me lurking weirdly behind them, at which point they realise they've been in everyone's way for like ten straight minutes
shinju ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:45:48 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Done.
xampl9 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:49:38 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Can I be your cousin Escalatorious?
The god that makes people standing on escalators be on the right.
alvisfmk ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:43:43 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Please, I'm from Jersey, we just weave. I never understood why this was so hard for people.
cooky173 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 07:57:54 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Hah! Proof that God doesn't exist.
I could believe in a God that at least keeps them walking straight so that I can plan my overtaking manouvre
scamperly ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 17:42:37 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Aka the god of manhattan
Cadllmn ยท 1955 points ยท Posted at 14:16:11 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The God of Household Efficiency.
Maybe I will bless you with cutlery oriented in all the same direction, or measuring cups properly stacked - to shave precious pico-seconds off your kitchen duties. Mortal lives are wasted re-orenting a misfiled spoon properly toward cereal in the morning. Perhaps I will untie the shoelaces of the runners you discarded in the closest when you got back from the gym so you spend seconds less in the locker room next time, or maybe your keys magically find themselves by the door, next to your coffee mug... and so on.
Of course, I would gain popularity and worshippers quickly due to prioritizing prayers to find the remote, or match socks in the drawer - that I estimate that in 5-7 years I would be strong enough in my power to challenge the all-father himself to the throne of Heaven.
I would, of course, win that duel by having already organized my weapons in terms of their probably utility in the upcoming conflict, arranged such that the more probable is closest to my hand... these moments saved would give me the edge I need to be faster on the draw than the all-father himself and ensure my victory.
Than all gods, mundane or otherwise, would sit at the feet of /u/Cadllmn - patron deity of household efficiency...
...in alphabetical order of course, for easy reference when matching mis-spoken prayers to their intended recipient.
lennort ยท 355 points ยท Posted at 15:59:23 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Take your lives into your own hands! Organize your own kitchen, don't wait for some deity to do it for you! /cutleryathiest
Cadllmn ยท 7 points ยท Posted at 18:56:41 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
agent of Anoia, begone from this place!
damniticant ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 18:06:37 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
You're not thinking like a true circle jerking athiest
[deleted] ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 08:47:08 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
All deities are clearly made up, so it doesn't even need to be stated, unless you are speaking to funDIES.
Shaeos ยท 246 points ยท Posted at 15:08:03 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I need you in my world.
Cadllmn ยท 13 points ยท Posted at 18:57:23 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
We welcome to you the pristine and measured fold.
Shaeos ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 21:42:41 on September 10, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
What's your chosen sacrifice?
Cadllmn ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 22:10:46 on September 10, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
mis matched socks, my child
miseleigh ยท 9 points ยท Posted at 16:07:59 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I have just moved into a new house, O Efficient One. I wholeheartedly pray to sacrifice anything within my power, if you will help me with this unholy mess.
Cadllmn ยท 8 points ยท Posted at 18:55:52 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)*
Be diligent Child.
Resist the callings of Chaos and put things in their place, do it right from the start and know that I am pleased. Your house will be one of order.
Know that I will look down on your house and say "Niiiiiiiiiice"
kingeryck ยท 9 points ยท Posted at 16:09:36 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Your followers of course would be.. Monks.
Obligatius ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 16:54:29 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
It's an old reference, sir, but it checks out.
Cadllmn ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 18:56:11 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
They have such efficient haircuts!
[deleted] ยท 8 points ยท Posted at 17:28:38 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
[deleted]
Cadllmn ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 18:52:53 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
She exists only because the people have yet to hear my message!
HEAR ME!
Organize your drawers and she will have NO POWER over you!
tinynewtman ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 18:20:25 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Sounds like you are a deific rival of Anoia, the Goddess of Things That Get Stuck In Drawers.
Cadllmn ยท 7 points ยท Posted at 18:50:32 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Don't even get me started on that bitch.
bebemochi ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 15:49:01 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Marry me.
Cadllmn ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 18:57:45 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
That's a compelling argument.
I'm in.
bebemochi ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 20:09:42 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Courthouse in 20 minutes. I'll be the one with an alphabetized accordion folder with all the proper paperwork and a bottle of Jack Daniels.
Cadllmn ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 22:55:27 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I look down on your trial, and I see your challenger lacks proper preparation...
Magic 8-Ball says "Looks good"
Cadllmn ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 23:02:59 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I mean.... "I do"
bebemochi ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 23:29:43 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Wait I thought we were getting married
Edit: aw you messed me up because you replied to yourself
The wedding is off
Cadllmn ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 17:50:45 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I miss you.
bebemochi ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 20:00:45 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Well we can talk about it but I drank half the Jack and dropped the folder in the gutter... wait, it... it somehow fell right side up and all the paperwork still in order.
You do love me! Darling!
IBelongInAKitchen ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 16:22:41 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Sooo, can I keep you?
Cadllmn ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 18:53:20 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
IBelongWithYou
IBelongInAKitchen ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 18:59:47 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Yes, dear, you do.
coozin ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 16:41:13 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
My OCD is very pleased today
Cadllmn ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 18:52:59 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Join usssssss
joftius ยท 8 points ยท Posted at 16:21:31 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
PRAISE /u/Cadllmn
My wife needs to sacrifice a hundred grass fed oxen to you. Looks over at wife who is making oatmeal for breakfast. she spills some in between the oven and the counter. Ok scratch that, we're gonna have to go for the full virgin deal with this.
Cadllmn ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:53:47 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
O.O
That poor, poor wall never deserved this....
Zeus420 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:59:28 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Many virgins must be sacrificed for my inefficient abode
darib88 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 17:38:13 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
i wish you could spread your Gospel to the heretics here who believe a set of stacking matching measuring cups must be scattered to teh 4 winds after each use -_-
Cadllmn ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 18:51:53 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
They are the agents of Chaos, they revel in the madness of their kitchen drawers.
[deleted] ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 17:55:40 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
What kind of God can't even get than vs then right?!? Better organize your words!
Cadllmn ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 18:51:10 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
It's been a while since I've really sat down and had coffee with the God of Grammar...
... Nice to see you in the AskReddit
Krono5_8666V8 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 18:48:37 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Can you make it to that all the soap washes out of my water bottle in less rinses? My water pressure is good not great, so it takes like 20 seconds per rinse.
Cadllmn ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 18:50:10 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Done! Look how clean that is!
Krono5_8666V8 ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 18:51:35 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
My god is truly a loving god!
Maltruista ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 19:15:46 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
You are not very popular with the women in my life. Why would that be?
Praise be.
Cadllmn ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:36:08 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
My child,
Even the gods cannot penetrate the mind of a woman. I suspect that Anoia reaches their hearts first... and they cannot hear the stern, cold logic of our chorus.
caagr98 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 21:25:43 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Is your name Welsh? Becauae it looks Welsh.
Cadllmn ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 22:54:15 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Not quite - but I can see where thats coming from.
Lemerney2 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 22:10:29 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
all hail *bows*
Cadllmn ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 22:52:23 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
and may those around you, always stacks proper sized plates together.
Glory be.
Cadllmn ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 22:56:26 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
May your pens of blue and of black never mingle. May your paperwork be done once and properly.
RAmen.
lukey5452 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 23:20:56 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
That sounds straight outta disk world.
Fanatical_Pragmatist ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:21:08 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
For such a well thought out post the typos killed me. Probably instead of probable. Re-orenting instead of orienting. Than all gods instead of then all gods. Etc.
Cadllmn ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 18:54:22 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
May you live a long life in my presents.
Muhahahaha
Wilfae ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:46:01 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Don't we already have that condescending Ikea ad guy? Is he your first disciple, then?
Cadllmn ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 18:50:19 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Anti-Christ
PM_Me_Randomly ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:35:55 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Tsk. The God of Engineering Efficiency would arrange them by Hamming distance instead, which is much more likely to achieve the best result.
Cadllmn ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:40:56 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I have reviewed your petition...
... You shall be my prophet.
bagelschmear ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 21:00:57 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Presumably the Goddess Anoia would be your nemesis.
Cadllmn ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 22:55:41 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Fuck that bitch. First to go when I rule the roost.
bagelschmear ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 01:44:29 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
There will be no rattling of drawers in THIS temple!
clapham1983 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 21:52:28 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I truly want so much to believe, but do you also have the power to make sure all Tupperware containers have a lid, AND be easy to find?
Cadllmn ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 22:53:40 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)*
Know that stack all like bottom and all like tops next to each other.
Take comfort that the cabinets of heaven runneth over with tupperware, ready to grab.
Snack on my child.
ksugama ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 22:29:40 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Somebody give this fucker gold. Now where is that screw I left... Oh
Cadllmn ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 22:52:37 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
You're welcome.
bengigameur ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 22:41:54 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Etticus! Why hath you forsaken reddit?
Cadllmn ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 22:59:12 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
You I find interesting. You can stay.
Evio ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:57:56 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
rattles a drawer and prays
"How can it close on the damned thing but not open with it? Who bought this? Do we ever use it?............Amen"
chaoticsuono ยท 2827 points ยท Posted at 11:10:19 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of that last little bit of whatever you were drinking that never comes out of the cup no matter how long you hold the cup upside down to drink every last drop.
Isares ยท 2046 points ยท Posted at 11:28:46 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The God of water tension holds a lot more than you'd imagine in place.
sloth_runner ยท 670 points ยท Posted at 12:11:15 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)*
Uh...yeah! Water tension.
That's exactly what I was thinking.
Edit: sarcasm people
Stockholm-Syndrom ยท 330 points ยท Posted at 12:22:14 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Surface tension, more than water tension.
Zack0Holic ยท 14 points ยท Posted at 16:54:39 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
This guy now has a career path thanks to us
[deleted] ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 18:09:16 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
[deleted]
Stockholm-Syndrom ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 23:39:39 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Surface tension is by definition related to the energy needed to create a new surface area, and is not related to the "cohesion" or any volumic properties of one element (simplifying a bit). You will not talk of water surface tension, but of water/glass, water/ceramics surface tension, i.e. the energy required to create a new interface between water and glass.
The shape of a droplet and its motion is due to the competition of three surface tensions, glass/water, glass/air and air/water, as well as the force you're applying to the droplet (by tilting the glass for example).
henderson_gus ยท 7 points ยท Posted at 15:41:44 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Thanks, tension!
LEEDLEMAN ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 17:12:00 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Thank mr.tensional
dzmarks66 ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 17:24:40 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
You dropped this /s
scooter8709 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 07:33:58 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Science vs religion. This thread has everything
[deleted] ยท 39 points ยท Posted at 14:19:06 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)*
[deleted]
[deleted] ยท 7 points ยท Posted at 16:42:11 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Then just the water will come out and everything else will condensate and stick to the sides of the cup.
GnashRoxtar ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 15:31:37 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Practically nothing you drink is anything other than water with extra bits. If he breaks out some everclear or 151 you might struggle, but you could probably at least make ripples appear in his glass like a dinosaur is coming.
_idkidc_ ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:42:18 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Jรคger tension
DepthsofMadness ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 14:36:53 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Fluid tension?
Nyrb ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 15:31:03 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
It's still a liquid, lets not split hairs.
phobiac ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 18:25:34 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Unfortunately this is more due to adhesion to the sides of the container than it is the cohesion of the water molecules. God of Adhesives sounds kind of fun though.
Dohleman ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 06:49:13 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Tension = Adhesion โ Cohesion
HostOrganism ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 18:58:43 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of the Last Ice Cube. Displease me and I'll smack you right in the teeth.
musicmorph99 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:18:29 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
hydrogen bonding saves the day once again
MaceOfBass ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:47:56 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
VAN DER WAAAAAAAALS!
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 20:15:35 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
hydrogen bonds man!
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 20:23:23 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of water retention holds more weight that you'd imagine -- I read that all wrong, but it did make me laugh.
xXPussy_BangerXx ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 20:29:46 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Adhesion and cohesion, more specifically.
Kabukikitsune ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:57:16 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I've seen it affect ice. Though I think that god has a warped sense of humor. The moment you give up on it, the bit of ice comes flying out at breakneck pace. Either landing on your shirt, or trying to go up your nose.
WheezyLiam ยท 28 points ยท Posted at 15:41:28 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Can I be your sidekick, the God of those small bits of ice that stick to the bottom of your cup then fall on your face when you least expect it?
chaoticsuono ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 16:02:47 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Of course, we are by far the worst and by worst u mean best God's of all time
[deleted] ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 18:19:30 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
You! Had the same though I did. This god is so needed.
bevardimus ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 19:27:50 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
When you're really pissed off, you allow that last drop to come out super easily... as soon as the drinker's mouth is no longer ready and waiting for it.
ChunksOWisdom ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:20:05 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
And then when you throw it in anger the floodgates open and it turns into a hose
actual_factual_bear ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:02:41 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
That last bit of water will be the sacrifice to the God of... well, to you!
senorglory ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:54:45 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
god of classic bar bets would like a word with you.
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:18:40 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Are you also in charge of ice cubes that get stuck to the bottom of the glass but then suddenly crash against your face while you're trying to drink the last drops?
magykmaster ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 20:01:48 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
And the second to take it away from your mouth it's like a waterfall.
ColKrismiss ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 20:02:19 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Well then is there another god who makes sure it pours out like an open garden hose the minute you tip it over onto the rug? Or is that you too?
chaoticsuono ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 21:37:21 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
That is my alter ego who appears when I get angry
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 21:30:51 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
This is one of those weird things you notice about people (or perhaps I notice) but I used to have a boss who could drink a cup of tea and leave the cup completely dry. I swear he is some sort of witch.
WizardOfIF ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 21:47:25 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Until you give up and knock the cup over while setting it down and suddenly a deluge of liquid rushes out.
iamdrinking ยท 965 points ยท Posted at 12:48:31 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of folding a fitted sheet perfectly on the first try.
rtphj1 ยท 293 points ยท Posted at 15:15:49 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
So you will literally have no one who can perform your sacrament
bunkerbuster338 ยท 338 points ยท Posted at 15:59:46 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
It's really not that hard guys, you just put the corners over your hands, match them, and put them inside each other. Do this twice, fold the top part over a little bit to make a rectangle, then fold like normal.
Apparently I am /u/iamdrinking's first priest.
rtphj1 ยท 153 points ยท Posted at 16:05:43 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
High priest dont diminish your newly acquired status
liberator110 ยท 12 points ยท Posted at 17:03:07 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
My mother taught me this in childhood. Fast forward a few years, girlfriend thinks I am the laundry folding origami master. Thanks mom.
Panhandleforthecure ยท 8 points ยท Posted at 17:17:30 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The way you explain that I'm surprised that I didn't have to sacrifice the blood of my firstborn
diablette ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 17:11:03 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I'll just stick to wadding them up in a ball and shoving them in a drawer, thanks.
scoodly ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 20:27:01 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Put them...inside eachother? twice
bunkerbuster338 ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 20:30:56 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
And this is why you pray to the god of quantum sheet-folding. I am merely his humble messenger.
scoodly ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 20:58:14 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
All glory to the fitted-sheet god
kaijujube ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 22:21:40 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I used to work in a hotel laundry room folding sometimes over a hundred of these a day. So I guess that makes me the Pope or something?
runxsassypantiesxrun ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 19:55:38 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Or your just wrap it around your arm and throw the sheet in the closet. Voila!
2OQuestions ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 23:23:47 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Stuff it and the flat sheet in the matching pillowcase.
runxsassypantiesxrun ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:59:03 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Genius!
Origin_Of_Storms ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 18:11:59 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
He speaks in riddles. I made another floppy bag.
jalkloben ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 19:18:45 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Priest? Prophet.
dfn85 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 19:37:09 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I just did this about 10 minutes ago. Does that make me high priestess.
FellKnight ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 21:13:09 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I literally cannot visualize the ritual you are trying to perform or the end goal... hey I guess you'll make an excellent priest!
mirrorwolf ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 00:00:01 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Instructions unclear, dunno wtf you just said.
LadySakuya ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 21:46:20 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Mind if I join the apostles?
All thanks to laundry work in a hotel...
BoRedSox ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 23:20:55 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Need video too difficult.
Toad_Rider ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 23:28:39 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Oh!!! Wow, okay, corners over hands... Match the... Inside... Twice around the little rectangle.... ... Ball up and throw back in closet
BitchesLoveCoffee ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:08:54 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Amen and amen.
Basoran ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:20:37 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I worked maintenance at a motel. To fit in the odd hours I would help house keeping with their duties, and was bestowed the gift of perfect folded fitted sheets.
I ONCE showed my wife how to fold a fitted sheet.
I am now the only one that folds the fitted sheet.
Perhaps I was not encouraging enough with my instructions.
TheLightInChains ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 11:25:05 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Instructions unclear, now my hands are inside each other and I'm a topological impossibility.
enoch15 ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 15:55:01 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I literally watched a lady on YouTube do it in one try.
this1 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:06:31 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Jesus, she spent the first minute on absolutely nothing.
And then she placed it on a bed?
Fucking rookie.
enoch15 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:11:36 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Oh yea? Upload your video doing it, make it more efficient, make the people love you!
this1 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 17:20:36 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
No need for that, I think Martha Stewart has a video doing it that is basically the way I do it.
BRB with link.
LOS LIIIIIIIIIIIIiiiiiiinksssssss
With less stopping and chatter
enoch15 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 17:33:07 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Well, well. Very well done.
Therearenopeas ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:03:15 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Betcha Martha Stewart can do it.
pHScale ยท 1060 points ยท Posted at 15:16:34 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
He said everyday things not miracles.
EarelevantElephant ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 17:18:42 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I am the miracle maker you're looking for.
calsey16 ยท 114 points ยท Posted at 15:05:52 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
BLASPHEMY TIS IMPOSSIBLE
akatherder ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 17:03:37 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
It depends on your standards.
*fold fold* *crumple crumple* perfect!
bl_man_ack ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 15:53:38 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
You, sir, have not met my brother-in-law then.
calsey16 ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 17:51:50 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Not a sir, but I appreciate his alleged skill.
bl_man_ack ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:23:03 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
My apologies for assuming. I don't even try to fold them. Those damn things get rolled into a ball and shoved in the closet until needed.
calsey16 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:37:02 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Sometimes I get all fancy and wad them into the matching pillow case. It makes me feel organized.
Throtex ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 16:03:55 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Who is he blaspheming?
calsey16 ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 17:50:23 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
He is a false god as there is no such thing as being able to fold a fitted sheet on the first try.
danby ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 16:01:55 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Get Educated https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_Z5k9nWcuFc
HMJ87 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 16:32:23 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
You can fold a fitted sheet? I just throw them into a relatively reasonable shape and stick them in the cupboard
Jack_Vermicelli ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:00:02 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
They go inside the pillow case.
DrDisastor ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 16:58:51 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
WITCH! I FOUND A WITCH!!!!
Shaysdays ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 19:28:28 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I am pretty sure about 30% of the reason my husband decided to marry me is because I can fold fitted sheets easily and well. Every time I do it, he still gets this weird look on his face like, "She's a magical creature and I get to live with her!"
thecrazysloth ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:06:24 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Oh my goodness, thank you for your blessings this morning! I am not deserving of such miracles!
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:50:41 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I am that god. I fold fitted sheets every day at work.
EarelevantElephant ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:16:41 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
How To Fold Fitted Sheets
Source: Am was an front desko person who had makings the laundry as part of duties.
JonSnoballs ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 21:31:47 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
those things fold?? but.. but how?
Ryan_on_Mars ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 23:57:33 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I hear some of you followers are robots. How do you feel about that?
Pickled_Ramaker ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:14:54 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
my wife already got this one
Eurynom0s ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:05:49 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I'll take god of folding fitted sheets and not just cramming them in a ball onto the shelf.
Magnum007 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:06:56 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Just follow this guy's instructional video
H_C_Sunshine ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:11:02 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
OK, but could you also help with making a hotel bed look perfectly unused, so the second girl I bring there will not know I had another girl in the same room earlier?
If you can do that, you're my new god.
SeraphsScourge ยท 4173 points ยท Posted at 14:09:53 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of getting the USB connector in on the first try.
those_pesky_kids ยท 2177 points ยท Posted at 14:38:12 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Why does it take three tries?! What have I done to anger you?
SeraphsScourge ยท 3068 points ยท Posted at 15:38:54 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Book Of Peripherals, Song of trials.
1:1 For the true believer will be tested and he shall be tested thrice. 1:2 And the first test is a test of will. The one that cometh after is a test of doubt and despair and tested thrice he shall rejoice and see the true face of the Lord for he shall be shown that will overcometh all and true shall be his faith forever more. 1:3 But doubt me and there shall be a reckoning of three once more forever and ever until the end of time.
ScoutManDan ยท 911 points ยท Posted at 16:28:24 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
1:4 Three shall be the number of the counting and the number of the counting shall be three. Four shalt thou not count, neither shalt thou count two, excepting that thou then proceedeth to three.
1.5 Five is right out.
Destro_ ยท 150 points ยท Posted at 18:14:29 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
1.3 Five is right out.
FTFY.
jurwell ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 21:55:57 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
1.3 ain't enough man, I need five.
Arathnorn ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 22:35:20 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Hey man look, some people worship GabeN okay, be glad for what you got, is all I'm saying.
fierromark ยท 10 points ยท Posted at 20:35:34 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
1.3, sire.
LiamIsMailBackwards ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 21:06:37 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
1.3!
supercookieguy ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 20:47:12 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Many Holy Grail references in this thread.
Undecided_User_Name ยท 8 points ยท Posted at 22:54:26 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
1:6 Once the number three, being the number of the counting, be reached, then lobbest thou the Holy Hand Grenade in the direction of thine foe, who, being naughty in my sight, shall snuff it."
Bamboozle_ ยท 9 points ยท Posted at 21:02:41 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
1:6 There is no verse number six. 1:7 NO POOFTAS! 1:8 Thus ends the reading of the verses.
[deleted] ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 23:08:18 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
A+ reference right there
morbosidad ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 13:26:17 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Who are you, who are so wise in the ways of numbers?
ScoutManDan ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 14:14:35 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I am Arthur, king of the Britons!
beardface84 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 21:09:35 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
updoots for you
Greatdrift ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 13:38:01 on September 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
upgrails for you
eldeeder ยท 234 points ยท Posted at 15:48:16 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Non believer here, I choose to just look at the fucking plug.
GunPoison ยท 153 points ยท Posted at 16:12:24 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
But how do you explain the irreducible perfection of the plug? How could that orientation have come about by chance?!
eldeeder ยท 99 points ยท Posted at 16:22:57 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Argh... The theist... Those who damn us non believers to brimstone and fire wire...
Swate- ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 21:51:46 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Mistakenly read this as fine wine for a sec... was thinking "gee that's not much of a damnation..."
Tonyman457 ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 20:43:46 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I'm USBish. I don't believe in FireWire
tizniz ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 03:44:16 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I like your use of antiquated peripheral cables. Have an upvote.
scooter8709 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 07:30:16 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Literally. Every religious argument. Made about usb plugs. Thank you sires. I bid you adieu
Edit: I don't know what a sub plug is
BloodBourneAlpha ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:31:22 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Why can't everything just be a lightning adapter?
HiroAnobei ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 19:51:43 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Look at this people, a creationist. What does he think, USBs are just made by a creator? Everyone knows they evolved over the generations, slowly transforming into the perfect blend of snugly fitting and data transfer!
GunPoison ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 07:18:07 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
But what use is half a USB port? Show me the intermediate ports!
HiroAnobei ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 07:23:34 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Why do you think they evolved? Obviously, it was to become full USB ports! Also, I think PS2 ports came before.
Atheists: 1 Computer designers: 0
Martin81 ยท 22 points ยท Posted at 16:32:57 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Heathen, may the scourge of Seraphs overheat your CPU.
ChunksOWisdom ยท 11 points ยท Posted at 16:23:20 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Yup. That and learn the patterns. The USB logo is on the top on any port that is horizontal, otherwise just check, or if you use the computer enoigh, remember it
firedrake242 ยท 11 points ยท Posted at 16:25:13 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
My usbs have a ridge in the top, BITCH
superniceguyOKAY ยท 9 points ยท Posted at 16:32:42 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Empirical observation... SCIENCE PREVAILS!!
NewishJahtzee ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 18:33:53 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Shun the non-believer
sbcontt ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 20:24:01 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
What about the ones at the back of a PC cabinet below the desk? If I try to pull the cabinet out, the client screams because he usually has all the cables tangled. After about 20 seconds of trying I just remove all the cables and pull the cabinet out only to see that there are a few 1394 and eSATA connectors back there to make things worse, and I was most likely trying to plug the USB into eSATA. And then I have to remember the positions and play the blind game to replug ALL the USB cables in. So fun.
HailToTheThief225 ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 16:42:25 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I don't understand the confusion at all. Unless your USB is literally a symmetrical rectangle it shouldn't be that hard to tell which way it goes in. Also, both sides of the metal part that goes in don't look the same. Two empty holes on one, two filled in holes on the other.
LifeWulf ยท 7 points ยท Posted at 17:04:25 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
My USB ports are on the top of my case. Which is under my desk. Even looking at them, I can't see exactly where the filled portion of the plug is, and for some reason the USB 2 and 3 ports seem to be switched in their orientation. Same thing with my motherboard's ports.
[deleted] ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 17:28:48 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
It seems like every day there are more heathens spreading heresy.
Georgia_Ball ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 17:45:28 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
/r/atheism
Walk_The_Stars ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 17:52:16 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
...after the second try and before the third try.
International_KB ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 16:37:18 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
/r/edgy
[deleted] ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 16:25:11 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I've never understood why people struggle with USB ports.
mronosa ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 17:41:22 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Affordances. If the USB port was designed better, either it would be obvious (meaning, I determine the correct answer naturally) which way is correct, or there would be only correct ways to plug in the dongle. As it is, there are two natural ways to plug in the dongle, but only one is correct. Forcing the person to look at the shapes of the USB port and orientation of the dongle is, in my opinion, a tell-tell sign of a poor design.
ritz_are_the_shitz ยท 11 points ยท Posted at 16:52:04 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Is it your choice to bless us with type C? Or is there done hidden scourge we have yet to discover?
SeraphsScourge ยท 16 points ยท Posted at 17:08:29 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Book of Peripherals, Revelations, 1:9
For three is his number of salvation and all that embrace the number will C that it is true and rejoice.
[deleted] ยท 8 points ยท Posted at 16:48:32 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Woah. How long have you been interning for this position?
SeraphsScourge ยท 23 points ยท Posted at 17:04:05 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
My contract ended ages ago but I like this job and for some reason HR still pays me.
Devator22 ยท 7 points ยท Posted at 17:15:56 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
We've gone Meta.
SocraticMethHead ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:28:33 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
It's crazy how easy it is to make that shit up. Change a couple words and 99% of Christians couldn't tell the difference.
ItachiSan ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 16:49:30 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Glorious. Fucking glorious.
vezance ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 17:29:43 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I feel like a believer already. You should release the entire book.
ilikeike95 ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 17:25:15 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I actually liked this so much that I tried to upvote twice.
CocoDaPuf ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 11:01:58 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
That is where you erred believer, thou must upvote thrice.
Kraven_howl0 ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 17:59:05 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I read that in gandalfs voice once, then dumbledore, then Morgan Freeman. Idk which is better
BobsBurgersJoint ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 19:13:08 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Fucking beautiful. I am a believer!!
Awdayshus ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 21:53:46 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
As an atheist, I can tell you the real reason is USB cables have a spin on 1ยฝ, just like some subatomic particles.
[deleted] ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 22:39:08 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
BoP 1:12 And the lord spake unto me: Though I walk through the valley of scratched front usb panels, I shall not look upon what I'm doing, yet I will persevere! For the gods of probability shall scratch their heads and raise their hands upon high in wonder that three tries for two possible positions should curse their sight and cast their probabilistic models into the fires of laziness! Oh God of expedient USB insertion, I will pay homage to you by looking at both the cable AND the port before plugging anything in. Amen.
Ulkreghz ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 22:42:17 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I think the Machine God / Omnissiah might already have that covered, are you related? Are you his intern?
SeraphsScourge ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 22:57:37 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I can neither confirm nor deny that.
Ulkreghz ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 19:57:26 on September 11, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
You're not friends with that dragon are you?HERESY. BLAM!Fr0thBeard ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 17:46:38 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
What is plugged may never plug.
A_favorite_rug ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 21:08:05 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Something tells me you had this already planned out...
Madfall ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 22:59:54 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Are people who use USB connectors where up is clearly marked your ultimate followers, or your ultimate heretics?
Kiggleson ยท 11 points ยท Posted at 17:16:17 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
It's 4 dimensional.
Wootery ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 20:17:20 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
It's true.
scloutkst2889 ยท 9 points ยท Posted at 22:08:48 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
This, this is why...
those_pesky_kids ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 22:54:48 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Witchcraft!
Its_Phobos ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 18:12:33 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Quantum superposition. The plug is in two states until observed.
pilstrom ยท 16 points ยท Posted at 16:06:40 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Intel did some research on this, and they found that all USB connectors have a spontaneously applied superposition, where it exists in both states at once until observed. Therefore, you can never be successful on your first attempt of plugging it in, until you observe the state of the USB to conclude its current metaphysical position. Science.
[deleted] ยท 9 points ยท Posted at 16:26:55 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Go home Schrodinger, you're drunk. And when can I have my cat back?
TotallyTheJiffyBot ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 17:01:11 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
That sounds like something out of Hitchhiker's guide to the Galaxy
dirty-bot ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 16:55:52 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Why does it always take 3 tries, no more no less? To think I have always blamed some government conspiracy.. I am relieved to know it's just some shitty (un)godly doing..
actual_factual_bear ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 17:00:48 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Fun fact: USB cables have an additional spatial dimension, this is why it takes two orthogonal 90 degree turns, not one.
ColourSchemer ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 17:38:11 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Because they operate on a quantum level. They only fit in if another quantumly-entangled USB is inserted at the same time.
thatgoat-guy ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 17:46:03 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Intel actually made a theory is n this and there is an image. I am too lazy to find it, but it's out there
DigitalRazor ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 15:34:17 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
That's not him, you're thinking of the God of Third times the charm.
bigmcstrongmuscle ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 18:34:47 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
You haven't done anything wrong. The standard USB interface is just designed as a 540-degree non-Euclidean manifold.
gsfgf ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 19:22:54 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
USB exists in superposition. So the first attempt will always be wrong regardless of orientation. It's science.
_OP_is_A_ ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 20:21:31 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I put that on a resume once to see if they read my accomplishments. They didn't.
ACCOMPLISHMENTS: Can plug in a USB cable on the third attempt.
Wellhowboutdat ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 20:29:54 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Attempt 1- upside down Attempt 2- 89 degree entry fail Attemt 3- Adjust 1 degree- success
Caterpiller101 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 00:49:17 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I WILL NOT BOW DOWN BEFORE FALSE GODS, HEAR YE FELLOW MORTAL. THE LOGO ON AN USB ALMOST ALWAYS FACES UP!
those_pesky_kids ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 01:56:18 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Lies! Lies, I tell you! Heretic! Witch! Be gone with your "logic."
delventhalz ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 22:09:37 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Really!! Three shouldn't even be possible!?!
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:16:07 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The mystery of all mysteries
datsuaG ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:15:18 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Never takes me 3 tries. I just look at it and gee whiz, it's asymmetrical! One side should always be up! My god, I can preemptively orient the USB connector before attempting to get it in! I'd have never thought such a thing possible!
Wootery ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 20:18:39 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Well that's cheating.
Rexamicum ยท 274 points ยท Posted at 15:48:00 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Not even kidding last night, I was putting in a USB stick in to my TV watching laptop and I was pushing it in and it wouldn't go in and I was like NO THIS IS RIGHT IT SHOULD FIT but it didn't.
I took it out turned it round, realised it fit even less than the other way.
Rotated it one final time and it glided in.
WHAT
IS
THIS
SeraphsScourge ยท 135 points ยท Posted at 16:41:46 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Book of Peripherals, Lamentations, 4:2
And you will now my name is the Lord, when I lay my doubt upon thee.
DraconisRex ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 00:28:14 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
yyyyyyeah... but will I, though? Will I really?
SeraphsScourge ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 00:34:13 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
KNEEL BEFORE THY LOR... actually, you raise a good point there with the doubt and the knowing. I'll... I'll talk with the editor and see what we can do about that paragraph.
Cheers heathen and may your next ten plug ins be successful.
DraconisRex ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 00:48:36 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Nah, it's cool, bro, I use Bluetooth.
Zeus420 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 01:02:47 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Science > religion
yurigoul ยท 10 points ยท Posted at 20:16:16 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
It proofs that USB plugs exist in the fourth dimension
Lord_of_Mars ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 16:51:22 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
You angered the Omnissah. Burn some incense and try again.
lordsiva1 ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 23:34:41 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Burning heretics works better.
EpicFail1218 ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 23:23:11 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I put a USB in an ethernet port and it fit.
Didn't work though.
coldshock17 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 23:50:19 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
This every single time.
skyrat02 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:26:40 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
All USB cables exist in four dimensions http://m.imgur.com/gallery/1z3yc
oD323 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:28:58 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The plastic part faces the motherboard. It's that easy.
NoxiousDogCloud ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:23:01 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
It's called the USB superposition
[deleted] ยท 29 points ยท Posted at 16:12:15 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Usb-c will help rid us of you
REBELSROCK99 ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 17:32:40 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Until people try to put it in vertically...
DaSaw ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 20:48:20 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Or into the ethernet port...
taejo ยท 15 points ยท Posted at 15:49:49 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The Trident of The Square, The Circle and The Triangle is symbol of the Universal Serial God. Make sure that it pointeth towards thee and thou shalt be rewarded.
HurtfulThings ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 17:02:33 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Unless, like a LOT offices, you have a Dell Optiplex desktop PC (780 series or older)... then your front USB ports are upside down.
I'm convinced, due to the abundance of this model of PC in the workplace, that it has had a significant negative impact on people's ability to learn the simple "USB symbol goes up" trick.
NotABotPromis ยท 10 points ยท Posted at 17:04:34 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Do you work on phone chargers in the dark as well?
SeraphsScourge ยท 16 points ยท Posted at 17:18:36 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Book of Peripherals, Proverbs, 6:9
I am the alpha and the omega, the mini and the micro. For all ports are true and true are all ports. And I will deliver you from the darkness and despair. For the data must flow eternal.
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 20:58:53 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
What about the other ports like Firewire and Thunderbolt? How about Ethernet, VGA, DVI, Displayport, HDMI? I mean seriously, there are so many ports, how can we know which is the One True Port?
SeraphsScourge ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 21:09:21 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Book of Peripherals, Observations 24:19
Have faith my child, for the One True Port will reveal itself at the end of the cable.
HrBingR ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 11:54:18 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
This is one bible I'd enjoy reading
Tagglink ยท 7 points ยท Posted at 16:15:05 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Easy, just flip the side with the white squares down. If it's a vertical port, I would pray to you.
Antrikshy ยท 7 points ยท Posted at 21:47:19 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
This is reddit. No one will ever learn this, circlejerk will continue and we will always be downvoted for trying to teach everyone our ways.
I can't remember the last time I plugged a USB cable in wrong. I can even do it in the dark. It's not hard to feel the plastic inside the plug either.
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:34:28 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
On vertical ports, you point the top towards whichever side the panel comes off of. You're welcome.
[deleted] ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 15:53:54 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Ha! I can always do it on first try. You shall never know my secret!
im_thatoneguy ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 22:17:14 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Dude, terrible position to take, that department is about to be outsourced.
fuzzynyanko ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 16:35:58 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Also hopefully the god of not having a USB cable die on me. That happened a few times
lo0ilo0ilo0i ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 16:37:19 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
this should extend to electrical outlets too.
seanbeag ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 16:52:32 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
And i shall be your opposite. The God of finally giving up and looking at what you are doing.
Anivair ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 17:18:25 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Disbelieve. There's no such thing as getting the usb in on one try.
Aushou ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 17:34:18 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Lemme lighten your load, the seam goes down. Never had a problem since I learned that.
Omega357 ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 19:54:56 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
You must love me because I get it first try every time.
SeraphsScourge ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 20:11:47 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I shouldn't tell you, but your dad sold his soul for your little... perk.
So, you know. Enjoy it and be nice to him.
kiddo51 ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 22:14:35 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The dankest of memes
14366599109263810408 ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 22:16:48 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Well USB type-C is coming soon so you'll be out of the pantheon before long.
[deleted] ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 22:37:06 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Your going to be gone soon, your punishments can not work once we upgrade to USB C. KILL THE GODS
green_meklar ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 00:54:19 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
This is the god we really need.
redlynz ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 15:50:38 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
This God can cannot exist in the realms of men!
SeattleGreySky ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 16:38:36 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
the top side has a horizontal dash below the two holes that makes it look like a mouth, the bottom side has a vertical line that goes inbetween the two holes
SpookySpawn ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 16:41:39 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Easy, the side with the usb logo always points up or to the front, if it's vertical it points to the right most of the time.
USB_GOD ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 18:00:57 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)*
I CHALLENGE YOUR POSITION!
When plugging the USB connector into a laptop, the face should be facing up and the crack should be facing down. Also works for your PC if you imagine that the motherboard is facing upwards.
Wootery ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 20:20:17 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
But which way up should be the micro USB type B connector that you plug into your phone?
Answer: it depends on the phone. Gah.
JoeOfTex ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 18:10:18 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Holes up, clog down.
lachalupacabrita ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 18:13:47 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I prefer to worship iEus, God of lightning [plugs]
TYLERvsBEER ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 18:14:36 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
This is why I'm an atheist. There must be no god because USB.
Wootery ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 20:20:56 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Committees are the devil's servants.
jumykn ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:19:23 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Man had shunned thee. Yea shall they use but USB of C type from this generation forward.
danhakimi ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:01:45 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
You're going to get laid off within a decade, buddy. USB-C is going ot be sweeeeeet.
TwIxToR_TiTaN ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:10:23 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Try my laptop. One of the ports is upside down...
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:19:05 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
On laptops and embedded devices its usually not too bad. The port is always facing away from the board its mounted on, so the pins (and generally the USB logo) should be facing towards the board.
superhole ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:30:18 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I don't believe you exist.
SeraphsScourge ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:32:18 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
But I'm right here...
superhole ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:32:45 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Prove it. Make this USB work.
SeraphsScourge ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:55:20 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
snip
dat_pandeh_guy ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:33:51 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I must be the god of looking to make sure you get it right the first time
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 20:13:48 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Protip (on all Mac and most other decently built computers) the hollow side goes up.
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 20:32:02 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I believe the superposition theory.
beanmosheen ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 20:48:38 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The seam goes on the bottom.
9me123 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 22:15:28 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Why is this so hard for everyone?
mr_lab_rat ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 22:52:01 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Oh My God.
Literally.
LevynX ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 23:40:06 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I thought the bar that blocks the USB is always on top?
newtizzle ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 23:59:30 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
You sir, are fired.
smuffleupagus ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:12:53 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Guys. Guys. There's a line on the bottom of the metal part.
If the line is facing up, yer doin it wrong.
I mean unless your ports are vertical, then you're on your own.
ZoggZ ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:40:37 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
With USB type C quickly becoming the new standard, I'd say your future job prospects are limited.
ChromeLynx ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 11:35:44 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Your reign is ending with the USB Type-C Connector....
Dusk209 ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 16:04:26 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of stabbing the straw through the juice packet on the first try
euratowel ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 16:50:59 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
And also condoms. Put them on backwards first, then put them on the right way.
scamperly ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 17:43:40 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
For all their faults, apple's lightning connector is brilliant. There's no upside down!
fluffyponyza ยท 2797 points ยท Posted at 14:24:09 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of Forgetting to Close Curly Brackets Causing an Error That Takes Four Hours to Debug
Or GFCCBCETTFHD for short.
Amierra ยท 1274 points ยท Posted at 15:36:17 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
You aren't a God. You are a demon.
Transfuturist ยท 27 points ยท Posted at 15:59:25 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of Repetitive Stress Injuries, but Only in the Wrists and Hands.
ThatGuyMEB ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 20:00:16 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Especially the wrists...
tenoclockrobot ยท 13 points ยท Posted at 19:28:32 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
As long as he's not a daemon
HaroldFDavidson ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 21:12:50 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Or Desmond
OmniumRerum ยท 9 points ยท Posted at 22:42:39 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The moon bear?
MoffKalast ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 16:51:04 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The end.
OmniumRerum ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 12:42:22 on September 10, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
But how did he get there?
RainbowCatastrophe ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 22:42:59 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Morris
caagr98 ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 05:32:58 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Or my axe!
A_favorite_rug ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 20:58:05 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Or daedric!
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 06:01:37 on September 11, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
bitcoind killallMaggeddon ยท 12 points ยท Posted at 19:50:13 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Better would be the God of Curly Brackets - by his blessing, code compiles the first time with no errors. Anger him, and syntax errors will haunt you for the rest of your days.
Amierra ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 20:08:58 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I'd be okay with this one. At least there isn't a guarantee of untold suffering. Just a good possibility.
MaceOfBass ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 19:53:49 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Kaz, I'm already a compiler.
Malevolent_Fruit ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 20:34:53 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
He's just a fallen god. Before he was the God Of Sudden Inexplicable Realizations About Why Your Code Is Breaking.
DrinkMoreCodeMore ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:21:34 on September 10, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Daemon*
The_Unreal ยท 976 points ยท Posted at 16:01:19 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
All praise be to Syntaxus!
KSerge ยท 1051 points ยท Posted at 19:28:48 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
YOU FACE SYNTAXUS, ERROR-LOG LORD OF THE BURNING LEGION
thehaarpist ยท 61 points ยท Posted at 21:43:53 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
TRIFLING USER, YOUR ARROGANCE WILL BE YOUR UNDOING!
Kevz417 ยท 24 points ยท Posted at 22:20:45 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
SYNTAXUS IS... semicoloned.
SirPuffufuf ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 11:11:39 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
but I'm in charge here!
PM_ME_UR_COOTER ยท 26 points ยท Posted at 20:41:08 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I just spit out my coffee laughing, I needed that. Gold when I get home, 8 hours and counting.
Johan_the_ignorant ยท 7 points ยท Posted at 20:52:01 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Only 7 hours and 50 minutes to go! The anticipation!!
APimpNamedAPimpNamed ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 20:58:49 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
7 hours and 43 minutes. This is so exciting!
SigurdZS ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 06:43:41 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
It would appear OP delivered.
Faquir15 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 00:10:42 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
RemindMe! 5 hours
Essar ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 21:34:17 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
It's already been given, slow poke.
PM_ME_UR_COOTER ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 22:11:30 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Damnit, well I'm still a man of my word.
I_upvoted_you_bro ยท 16 points ยท Posted at 19:33:46 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Upvote, read it in the voice and everything
SwaggerlikeJagger ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 22:05:33 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
WoW
Biochemicallynodiff ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 22:40:38 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
So your followers would be called ERRORISTS?
named8819 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 22:40:46 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
lol, that's great! what would the infidels be called?
Biochemicallynodiff ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 01:42:51 on September 10, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Don't know, but I can't take credit for the name. It's from a game called REMEMBER ME.
I_press_keys ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 23:09:39 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Syntaxus in the 10man bracket or the curly bracket?
Priderage ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 21:58:25 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
You're reading an AskReddit thread when something makes you laugh your arse off...Christ.
The-Jasmine-Dragon ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 21:14:58 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Couldn't stop laughing for some time
tilsitforthenommage ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 22:21:42 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
"you have made a fatal error"
Proceeds to glitch out.
midnightCadenza ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 02:46:53 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
MISTAKE!!!!
ERRORMONSTER ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 21:43:40 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Hmm? Job's taken, sorry
she_more_like_evil ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 07:52:23 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Giggling like an idiot over here.
Mage_of_Shadows ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 09:38:32 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
ALL OF AZEROTH BOW DOWN BEFORE HIM!
darklordnot ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 23:22:10 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
/r/hearthstone is leaking.
she_more_like_evil ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 07:57:32 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
This was a thing in WoW long before hearthstone.
lelarentaka ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 10:49:33 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Pleb, it was in wc3 even longer!
Jess_than_three ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 02:58:30 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
/r/wow, rather!
Angrant96 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 06:02:39 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Of the Broken Ledger, maybe? Nah. That doesn't sound right.
Alistair_Smythe ยท -5 points ยท Posted at 21:43:12 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Is that...a wild Destiny reference? And no hate to be seen?
R33MZ ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 21:47:16 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Hearthstone
Crimson_Rain ยท 7 points ยท Posted at 21:58:02 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Well, World of Warcraft originally. Lord Jaraxxus was summoned by Wilfred Fizzlebang during the Argent Tournament.
R33MZ ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 22:36:58 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Apologies, I did know this.
Alistair_Smythe ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 21:49:42 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Damn. Cuz it sounds exactly like something from the last DLC.
TheJack38 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 22:38:24 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
It's not from Hearthstone originally. It's from World of Warcraft: Jaraxxus was a boss back in the Wrath of the Lich King expansion.
He kept his lines when going to Hearthstone though, so he was close.
GiantDuarf ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 22:33:26 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
World of Warcraft and Hearthstone: Heroes of Warcraft
StDoodle ยท 8 points ยท Posted at 19:53:59 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Oh great and powerful Syntaxus!
May I always see where I've forgotten a semicolon at first glance
May you guide me to always use the proper amount of equals signs for what I'm working on at the moment
And may you curse bob, who always sings under his breath along with the country music on his headphones, to be assigned to that stupid legacy LISP POS, and blind him to proper closing of parentheses!
Edit: And while you're at it, let me notice when I've typed "signs" instead of "sings" & vice-versa, if you could stretch into Grammatico's purview a bit
Turtlebelt ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 21:47:54 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Oh great Syntaxus, please accept this humble offering of painstakingly crafted makefiles and deliver us from the segfault. For there can be no delimiter but by your merciful hand. So say we all.
Alcnaeon ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:19:22 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
congregation repeats,
So say we all.
JavaMoose ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 19:36:50 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
He's the best semi-God.
newfiedave84 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 20:03:04 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
And his comrade, Semanticus!
Curtalius ยท 76 points ยท Posted at 16:45:13 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)*
Too specific, you should be the god of compiler syntax. those who fall out of your favor will search forever for that one missing curly brace (also, Python BITCH). And in your myths they will tell of the tale where a true believer had his code compile on the first try. Praise be.
fluffyponyza ยท 14 points ยท Posted at 16:53:39 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Ah yes, many have spoken of it, but none have seen it.
regiimoep ยท 8 points ยท Posted at 18:18:36 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Let's add 'with the program working as intended'. I had programs compile first try and not do jack :/
Kalium ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 19:18:16 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I once had a design work the first time.
It was a very confusing day.
regiimoep ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 19:27:26 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Did you mark it red on your calendar?
Kalium ยท 8 points ยท Posted at 20:04:57 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
No. I panicked and have spent years denying the experience.
Querce ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 17:54:00 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
you can enclose a piece of code inside of curly brackets instead of using indentation if you want to with Python
Xenophyophore ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 01:54:54 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
jackeroojohnson ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 23:58:24 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I was waiting for that.
Jess_than_three ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 03:00:11 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Yeah man, searching for the spot where you accidentally copy-pasted something from stackoverflow or whatever with spaces instead of tabs sounds way better. :P
prohulaelk ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 14:52:37 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
It's actually a lot easier to find/replace tabs that are there than find a semicolon or } that's missing
Jess_than_three ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:14:05 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Yeah but... okay, that's actually a really good point.
Curtalius ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 16:28:18 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
only if you use actual tabs in your program, just set your text editor to convert tabs to 4 spaces.
Jess_than_three ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:36:25 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
But I prefer tabs.. :(
MonkeyNin ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 22:46:40 on September 10, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Why?
Jess_than_three ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 23:17:20 on September 10, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
A, it's what I'm used to; B, it seems quicker?
MonkeyNin ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 20:40:33 on September 12, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
With the right config it should function the same to you.
Jess_than_three ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 21:18:44 on September 12, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Like, so that pressing tab inserts four spaces? TIL, I guess.
Still, what's the benefit?
HiddenKrypt ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 11:34:50 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
There's a special demon in this pantheon that likes to randomly replace a series of four spaces with a tab character. Good luck.
Curtalius ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:26:54 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
That demon (deamon?) can be exorcised by switching your text editor to replace all tabs with four spaces and forgoing \t all together.
LoftyGoat ยท -1 points ยท Posted at 00:58:22 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Eh? Fuck Python. Python is for those who are afraid to write LISP.
Tothoro ยท 12 points ยท Posted at 16:11:47 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
But what about IDEs that tell you you're missing a curly bracket? Won't they take your job?
...Or were those your doing?
fluffyponyza ยท 12 points ยท Posted at 16:13:32 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I am truly kind and benevolent!
alexbuzzbee ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 15:47:50 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I will be your high priest.
Bio_Hazardous ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 16:30:56 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Can you include Forgetting a SemiColon at the end of a line and not knowing which line it is for 6 years?
[deleted] ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 17:05:13 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Praise be to the God of Python
ThinkAboutAwesome ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 17:20:19 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I like how your short name is the sound I make whenever this happens.
stinkpalm ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 19:14:59 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
*Guff-ch-bch-ettf-hhhddd"
Phonetically displeasing. Or maybe a bit epic. I'm not sure yet.
Koutou ยท 9 points ยท Posted at 16:02:19 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I think modern IDE killed you with colour coding.
fluffyponyza ยท 11 points ยท Posted at 16:05:56 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
candybomberz ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 17:52:26 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Even IDE's fuck up from time to time. Hmm, some syntax error that wasn't there before and appeared out of nothing ? Better restart eclipse, not to mention that C++ IDE's suck for the most part.
myachizero ยท 7 points ยท Posted at 19:45:40 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
candybomberz ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 23:47:10 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
What are you trying to tell me ?
myachizero ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 00:26:00 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Visual Studio has a pretty good C++ IDE built in.
candybomberz ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:44:20 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
That depends on the version and doesn't change anything about the fact that sometimes a missing semicolon somewhere can produce some weird errors in C++ and that exceptions are sometimes thrown in very low level methods, because of punctiation errors.
rlbond86 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 21:03:20 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The free ones suck, a lot of paid ones are good
Zolden ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 20:04:10 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
GFCCBCETTFHD? Ambiguity! Can be mistaken with
God of Forgetting to Close Curly Brackets Causing an Error That Takes Five Hours to Debug
Dirky_Jerky ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 21:02:09 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Thats what auto-indenters are for;
If you miss a curly brace the bottom of the block will get mis-aligned quite noticably
[deleted] ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 01:08:41 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Your doctrine, though heretical, is correct. Those who embrace this Way shall be protected from the wrath of GFCCBCETTFHD.
Efpophis ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 16:02:34 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Hey there, Satan.
ctdewberry ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 18:01:05 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
My editor auto adds the closing brackets...
DutchmanDavid ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 18:52:33 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
How about "god of forgetting to add a semicolon after the close 'stache that causes the loss of an entire word day"
Or GOFTAASATC'TCTLOAEWD for short.
*GASP* We can be twins!
fyreNL ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 19:06:24 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
This is no minor position. This is a matter of life and death.
myachizero ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 19:44:29 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Attention All! Don't waste your time praying that all your brackets are closed! Use intellisense and pay attention! Don't fall into this trap sheeple!
Sincerely, Bracket atheist
kosmoceratops1138 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 20:23:24 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I'm self taught java. You, my friend, are my arch-nemesis. You and semicolonius.
[deleted] ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 01:40:30 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I really don't get how this is a problem still, most modern programmers use an error-detecting IDE.
Kabukikitsune ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 01:58:17 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I take it your name is "Son of a....this worked earlier."
sakaloskymatt ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 02:35:43 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Fuck you bro, just ... fuck you
Yabbaba ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 11:01:10 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
You mean {GFCCBCETTFHD!
DocGestalt ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:54:02 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Oh! I think I've met you!
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:57:22 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Something tells me that happened to you pretty recently
MizterFinzter ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:34:25 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Spent two hours fixing this the other day. FMC.
your_mind_aches ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:39:01 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
OH MY GOD THE FEELS
KeijyMaeda ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:40:20 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I think I sprained my tongue pronouncing that.
lifes_hard_sometimes ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:40:29 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God the syntax error that somehow didn't cause any problems until 9 hours of coding later.
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:56:48 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I'd be your brother, the god of forgetting a single semicolon causing 49.152 lines of error messages.
popcar2 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 20:00:16 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Python master race!
porkyminch ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 20:19:12 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Whoever invented text editors that automatically add a closing bracket should be fucking rich.
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 20:29:33 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Shouldn't your IDE prevent shit like that from happening?
zer0t3ch ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 20:43:31 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
As somebody new to Ruby and experienced in Python, I have forgotten way too many
ends onifblocks.CodeJack ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 21:20:26 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
But it tells you specifically when you miss a bracket
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 21:20:30 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
What are you coding in? Notepad? Get a fucking IDE man!
thehared ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 21:39:03 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
This is literally why I stopped mid EE degree and went business. Calculus and physics, no problem. I forget to fucking close a bracket and I'm fucked for hours. No thanks.
cant_think_of_one_ ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 21:41:49 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Oh, you mean the god of bad programming languages and poor compilers? Surely that is something your compiler should be able to pick-up?
khamulete ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 22:04:48 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I vow to burn every adoration place of yours. Fuck your doings.
natcon93 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 22:18:33 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Or god of that one missed semi colon!
chased_by_bees ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 22:30:27 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I thought this was supposed to be a minor God, not some Lovecraftian horror!
baubaugo ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 23:07:03 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
You forgot the extra f in your acronym
fluffyponyza ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 23:08:07 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Which one?
baubaugo ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 23:14:25 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I think it can go f-ing anywhere in the acronym and still make sense...
dbonham ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 23:08:03 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Enemy of the God of Ruby
KailoKyra ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 23:58:24 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Also known as Saint Axerror.
Lambaline ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:35:25 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
{
{
Praise to Syntaxius!
}
Eurynom0s ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:05:13 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
}
Quigglez ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:09:52 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Back in high school before I knew anything about anything and was learning C++. I was expanding extensively on an assignment for fun because I thought it wasn't detailed enough. And I mean, I added hundreds of lines of code (which is like nothing now in all reality) to make this code more useful. This was before I really knew anything about programming. I didn't know shit about shit. So this was a single file, linear code. No functions or anything, just the god damn main method (something like a week later the teacher taught us about functions). I was so sick of looking at the screen that I just printed the fucker out and started connecting the braces with a pencil.
RushTea ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 08:22:12 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Also known as the God of Hateful Coexistence
TransgenderPride ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 11:58:42 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
99 little bugs in the code, 99 little bugs...
Take one down, patch it around, 127 little bugs in the code!
americanpegasus ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:46:53 on October 21, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
In 2009 I went through a phase where I was determined to create an entire functional RPG system entirely within an Excel spreadsheet. Many entire systems were represented by single formulas in single cells.
The nightmare of debugging those 3000 character self-contained Excel formulas still haunts me {{{{}{}{}}}}}{}{}}}{}{}}}{}{}}{{{{}}}}}{}}}}{{}}}}}} indeed. I'm not sure what the hell I was thinking. I can't even go back and resume work on it because I have no idea where to even start.
workpuppy ยท 2215 points ยท Posted at 11:58:14 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Tech support. Sacrifice to me, and I will fix some of the things, some of the time. Call on me to smite the bad callers!
growing_headaches ยท 443 points ยท Posted at 13:50:14 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
So if I were to call upon you and ask that you, maybe, shock someone through the phone for being beyond stupid do you think that's something you could do? Because if so my prayers would be answered.
s133zy ยท 330 points ยท Posted at 15:31:50 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Oh great god of techsupport, my adobe reader is out of date, I need you!
Edit: I have prayed to the wrong god, please forgive me /u/workpuppy
alien122 ยท 235 points ยท Posted at 15:58:21 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Install Google ultron
Tothoro ยท 76 points ยท Posted at 16:01:41 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
That's what NASA uses, after all.
Nymbra ยท 18 points ยท Posted at 16:08:10 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Damn Jitterbug gang.
[deleted] ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 17:12:41 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Looks just like normal google chrome though, have to be sneaky about it.
DiffDoffDoppleganger ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:57:38 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Did everyone see that post?
Maxnwil ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 22:20:09 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I didnt- context?
OmniumRerum ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 22:48:15 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The references come from Anon does IT. Its a series of 4chan posts about a guy who is appointed head of IT for his dads company because he is "techy", even though he has no idea what he's doing.
DiffDoffDoppleganger ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 23:17:31 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Check higher up
3armsOrNoArms ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:01:12 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Dude how many of these reddit inside jokes are there. The sad thing is that I think I get every single one of them. Even the obscure references to years old comments and things
Chervenko ยท 7 points ยท Posted at 16:10:03 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
What you need is the Installation Wizard.
Throw13579 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:13:01 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Have you tried power-cycling your device?
justthisgreatguy ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 15:52:32 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I've always thought that a 1 inch spring loaded spike in the ear piece is the way to go.
growing_headaches ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 18:23:36 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I would just like a mild shock. Enough to make them pay attention and actually use their brain.
justthisgreatguy ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:46:12 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Some users are beyond redemption
:)
Twine52 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 16:22:30 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Submitted for your perusal: https://www.reddit.com/r/talesfromtechsupport/comments/2mthej/over_standard_tcpip/
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:56:12 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
well if you call on him you get stuck in a CTI loop for a few hours on hold.
IcedJack ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:07:16 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I feel like that's more in the realm of God of Petty Malice. The god that mildly hurts those that have wronged his cult
growing_headaches ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:22:41 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Lol that one would work too
robbdire ยท 189 points ยท Posted at 14:45:46 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Do you accept sacrifice in the form of caffeinated beverages?
steampunkjesus ยท 200 points ยท Posted at 15:09:10 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I leave this coffee in offering to the almighty /u/workpuppy. May your callers be few and your caffeine be plentiful.
[deleted] ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 16:19:03 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I think /u/airz23 would like a word with you.
steampunkjesus ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 18:52:29 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
He can have that word with me when he tells me about the keyboards and RedCheer.
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:50:15 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
MY BROTHER
workpuppy ยท 144 points ยท Posted at 15:08:47 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Caffeinated beverages, snack foods, burritos, and slow moving users are all acceptable forms of sacrifice.
ZombiePope ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 16:58:11 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Any specific instructions for the sacrifice of users?
virence ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 17:18:53 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Tie them up with cat 5 and leave them at the "unused" loading dock.
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 23:15:02 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
[deleted]
imsuperficial ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 23:15:09 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
..or the God of Soccer
pattyhax ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 16:04:52 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
And for our tier 3 people what about empty bottles of Laphroaig?
Coffeezilla ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 16:05:38 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I dunno about /u/workpuppy, but I certainly do.
[deleted] ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 16:45:23 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Only if it's Bawls
lachalupacabrita ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 18:12:01 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I always leave the last 1/3 of my cup to the god of tech support. The fact that a little bit disappears overnight is evidence to his existence!
NonaSuomi282 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:47:08 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Malt liquor is also acceptable, but yes.
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:05:16 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I tried sacrificing some coffee beans, but it turns out to be really hard to get a ceremonial dagger through one of those. The proper stabbing motion tends to miss its target. I swear, that ritual is almost as fiddly as using Regedit.
MagicHamsta ยท 82 points ยท Posted at 15:13:15 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Oddly enough, seems most of your disciples are located in India.
awry_lynx ยท 8 points ยท Posted at 16:49:09 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Not that odd; OP said "the pantheon of gods" and if there's one thing prominent in the hindu faith, it's a fuckton of gods
mergedloki ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 16:47:06 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Well aren't they mostly polytheistic there?
monty20python ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:03:06 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
O god of enterprise level support, please help me do the needful to this server, amen.
thegiantcat1 ยท 46 points ยท Posted at 14:36:11 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)*
What judgement do you pass on those who call tech support insisting that something that has nothing to do with the service provided is the fault of the service provider and yelling and screaming until they get a service call?
workpuppy ยท 60 points ยท Posted at 15:09:07 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Death is too good for them.
Eplore ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 16:25:33 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
A forced job position in tech support where they serve their equals!
Spugnacious ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:03:20 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Sentence them to work in tech support.
They will beg for death.
furthurr ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 16:08:41 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I worked tech for a software company and we got at least 2 of these per day. And then they would say "I'm taking my business elsewhere" when I told them that our software is not supported in IE6... Except their company was buying the product on a contracted agreement with ours and they had nothing to do with business decisions.
People calling tech support-- don't try to throw your weight around if you don't have any, and don't try to make people feel stupid for something that you don't understand.
I know I'm preaching to the choir on Reddit but damn, glad I don't do that any more.
thegiantcat1 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 16:19:51 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Yeah this is quite common where I work, its a different industry but we still get people insisting that its our fault that a single laptop in their company can't get online when every other device can.
2OQuestions ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 23:22:41 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Long hold times and being disconnected after hearing, "Hi, I'm ..."
PsionSquared ยท 58 points ยท Posted at 15:02:21 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
So, God of Restarts and Installing Adobe Acrobat.
kingeryck ยท 9 points ยท Posted at 16:06:37 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Should be named Ultron.
[deleted] ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 17:13:08 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)*
I REQUIRE SACRIFICES OF TURNING IT OFF AND TURNING IT ON BEFORE YOU FUCKING CONTACT ME
Devlin7 ยท 35 points ยท Posted at 13:51:40 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I know how pissed normal mortal users can be, I'd be fucking terrified to work on Hera or Zeus' laptop.
bjokey ยท 75 points ยท Posted at 15:21:53 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Hey, you get a fre azeus laptop though
RunescarredWordsmith ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 17:26:26 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
On the plus side you'll know exactly what connector you need to interface with Zeus's. Lightning cables.
Nithryok ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 14:46:22 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
So.... I need a lot of smiting.. how much per head?
workpuppy ยท 9 points ยท Posted at 15:07:33 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Lemme check my SLAs.
justthisgreatguy ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 15:53:50 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Service not defined
Nithryok ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 16:38:29 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Must be comcast, still no response.
StonedGiantt ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 17:50:02 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Up voted for SLA's
TastyBrainMeats ยท 7 points ยท Posted at 16:36:05 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
NonaSuomi282 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:50:00 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Coffee and donuts? Is he the god of tech support or a traffic cop?
TastyBrainMeats ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:58:13 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Have you ever seen what happens when an unsuspecting box of Munchkins strays into an IT department? The poor thing rarely survives ten minutes.
sendenten ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 15:44:01 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I don't know what it is about calling IT that turns me into a bumbling idiot. I consider myself a fairly computer-savvy guy, but every time I have to call IT because I can't log into my work computer or something, I forget my username, my email, everything. I can hear the guy on the other line getting frustrated with me. I'm trying my best :(
fuzzynyanko ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 16:34:13 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I'm a programmer, and this is what happens:
You have SSO (Single Sign-On) for everything.... except this one thing... and another... and another... Sometimes I'm required to have 4-6 passwords. Sometimes it's because I'm using a third-party software provider that's not directly tied into the company
"You must change your password every 30 days". Usually 1-2 days after, I'll be like "oh shit... what was the new password again?" "What combination of symbols did I use?" "Dammit! That was the old password and I'm locked out for 30 mins. I wonder if this place has a ping-pong table"
NonaSuomi282 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 19:52:14 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
30 day password reset, requirement of minimum 7 characters, at least 3 of the 4 from: lowercase, uppercase, numbers, and symbols.
Solution: <capitalized_month><year>
Don't want users to make stupid passwords? Don't use a stupid password policy.
bmerritt85 ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 17:00:41 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
And lo: he did turn it off, wait a few seconds, and turn it back on again.
Behold! It works again! Praise be!
Eponia ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 17:24:34 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)*
I think that Tech Support would actually be a major thing in today's world.
[deleted] ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 17:35:34 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Krishna - God of doing the needful
kevoizjawesome ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:34:41 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
That's not really mundane these days. That's like upper tier god.
thatmorrowguy ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 15:46:17 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
He's only god of front line support, and his powers are limited by the script and tools granted to him by the application god, god of sysadmins and the god of middle management. Basically, he's like front line support for the gods - gets blamed for everything despite it not really being his fault.
IndifferentAnarchist ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 11:13:36 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
You speak truth, my friend. May as well call him the god of getting yelled at.
zizzor23 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:45:11 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Can I call on you to download Google Ultron?
Iridium-77 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:57:59 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Then proceed to set up a sweet LAN-cafe on mount Olympus with all of the sacrificed tech.
markgraydk ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:03:10 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The god of turn off and on again?
AlphaTheJob ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:09:24 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Please smite Lord GabeN!
Subject1337 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:31:41 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God only helps those who turn off and then on again themselves.
LordSoren ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:32:10 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Grant me the ability to physical slap someone over the Internet and I shall become your prophet.
Yserbius ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:33:56 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I dimly recall a semi-serious scifi book about The Saint of Microchips, a Catholic priest who worked died working IT for the Pope became canonized and now answers the prayers of people frustrated with technology.
BlazeTTD ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:37:22 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
No one prays to you; they submit tickets.
subuserdo ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:41:12 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I will be god of marketing, your mortal enemy.
Iamsteve42 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:42:40 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Nah, I'll just Google it
Globalscree ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:48:55 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The adeptus mechanicum would like a word, impersonator of the machine spirit.
BeardedKarma ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:00:21 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Praise be to the glorious Omnissiah!
surfer_ryan ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:10:11 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Hail science!
gotmynamefromcaptcha ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:30:03 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Call me the Google god!
AnonymousAscendant ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:37:08 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
So...the machine spirit?
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:38:34 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Might sacrifice some headphones to you to get this stupid virus off my computer.
Symz58 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:15:31 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Did you turn it off and on again?
Never_In-A-Game ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:35:49 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
And as always you will be blamed for all hardships
IIIbrohonestlyIII ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:38:27 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Figures that they'd make IT an entry level position. Not even gods have it in their budget.
johnnybiggles ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:07:09 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Blessings on high to the reboot angels you must dispatch.
sinRes ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:12:18 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Also know as "The intern of the Omnissiah"
laurenbug2186 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 21:13:28 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
If I turn it off and on again before praying to you will you bestow goodness upon me?
Neurosis420 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 23:14:59 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of answering all your questions in a timely manner?
Ryan_on_Mars ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 23:56:20 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Oh god of tech support, I didn't drop my laptop in the tub and I didn't try to dry it by putting it in the oven, but will you please allow my computer to work?
notasrelevant ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:33:53 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
"I acknowledge your sacrificial rituals and will honor your request. Have you tried turning it on and off again?"
MemberBonusCard ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:10:41 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Will you actually fix it, or will you just mark the ticket as a higher priority (since those that answer the phone really can't fix much)?
NonaSuomi282 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:53:23 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Oh, so you're that kind of asshole caller. We mark your tickets lower priority and dump your self-important ass back in queue.
MemberBonusCard ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 21:24:26 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
That's fine, so I just look my ticket up in the system since I own helpdesk ticket group, see my ticket is too low of a priority and call back to have it raised. Also I can flag it to email me on any updates so I can see almost immediately if someone else lowered it. Nice try though.
You people are great for diagnosing basic problems and helping to file a proper ticket for engineering to respond to, but some of you think you know more than you do and cause problems by trying to be "helpful".
FigMcLargeHuge ยท 283 points ยท Posted at 14:25:05 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of opening stuck jar lids. Grandmas everywhere will give me candy as a reward. Old ribbon shaped, sitting in a bowl for decades, stuck together candy.
holyerthanthou ยท 9 points ยท Posted at 17:00:55 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Hard strawberry candies for decades.
[deleted] ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 16:54:58 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
But all I need to do is hit the lid against a hard object. Unless...that is you.
wasteoffire ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 17:14:58 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
yeah a bunch of dudes yesterday couldn't get a jar open. I walked up and just hit the lid against the counter top and it popped right open
thargorbarbarian ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 21:09:50 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Your followers all keep the rubber band from their broccoli to use for extra grip.
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 23:45:51 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
[deleted]
FigMcLargeHuge ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 01:33:01 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Definitely me. Prying on the edge of the lid with the non-business end of a fork is the first thing to try before tapping the lid on a hard object. Don't want to break the glass.
faatiydut ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 13:08:51 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Put the jar upside down in a shallow dish of boiling water.
Lid expands -> Lid is no longer stuck
Is this you or a heat related god?
FigMcLargeHuge ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 13:32:57 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Definitely not me. The god of wasted energy (Enron) came up with this one.
cross-joint-lover ยท 5623 points ยท Posted at 13:48:10 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I'll start off as Poseidon's intern. You know when you shit in a toilet and the water splashes back up your butthole? I'll be in charge of that.
hoebeng ยท 4728 points ยท Posted at 15:25:26 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
You'll be in charge of Poseidon's Kisses?
marmaladewarrior ยท 2720 points ยท Posted at 15:32:37 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
He's the one doing the kissing.
HiDeTheDeaD ยท 2574 points ยท Posted at 15:55:53 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Even ass kissing is getting outsourced now, damn.
TheWatersOfMars ยท 1036 points ยท Posted at 16:25:49 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Worst unpaid internship ever.
CarsThatDrive ยท 522 points ยท Posted at 16:44:20 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Best unpaid internship ever
lookingforapartments ยท 568 points ยท Posted at 16:57:02 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
For every 50 Eddie Murphy's, you get one Scarlett Johansson...
I'll take those odds.
domuseid ยท 427 points ยท Posted at 17:36:57 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
You'll forget about all the buttholes that tasted like buttholes the second you finally kiss ScarJo's skittle flavored balloon knot.
powergo1 ยท 59 points ยท Posted at 19:45:55 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
/r/nocontext
King_Spartacus ยท 29 points ยท Posted at 22:24:09 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
/r/evenwithcontext
Soulfly37 ยท 21 points ยท Posted at 19:15:00 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Though once a month it's sour skittles
QuasarSandwich ยท 24 points ยท Posted at 19:53:44 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Sour Skittles are infinitely more delicious than the regular version. I am pretty much addicted to them.
TheInevitableHulk ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 00:27:11 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Jolly rancher
Karmafication ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 01:41:17 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
No.
MasterWiener ยท 11 points ยท Posted at 21:00:39 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Shit.. I'll never see balloon knots the same way again.
TheManInsideMe ยท 11 points ยท Posted at 21:33:44 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
You know what? I stared at this comment for about 30 seconds and I got nothing. Nope.
GrayTheDon ยท 8 points ยท Posted at 20:36:05 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
"Balloon knot"
DasJuden63 ยท 7 points ยท Posted at 04:51:20 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Is it just me, or does Taylor Swift look like the kind of girl whose butthole would taste like vanilla ice cream?
domuseid ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:59:34 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Vanilla ice cream it is!
QuasarSandwich ยท 14 points ยท Posted at 19:52:26 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Sorry to disappoint you but 98% chance it's going to taste like my dick.
[deleted] ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 04:02:12 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)*
[deleted]
QuasarSandwich ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 12:36:19 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
That is a slight misreading of my comment but seeing as your vision was obscured by Chris Christie's backside I forgive you.
sevenknots ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 23:32:45 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
This deserves its own poster.
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 20:28:20 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
/r/nocontext
MCskeptic ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 21:00:10 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Ew...
Sobertese ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:54:44 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
TIL I want to be a bidet.
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 13:44:06 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I can't get any more erect
trennerdios ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 13:57:17 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
This might be my new favorite sentence.
inherentinsignia ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:11:55 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
/r/nocontext
dat_pandeh_guy ยท -9 points ยท Posted at 19:29:20 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
this comment section deserves gold
ebby-pan ยท 11 points ยท Posted at 22:40:28 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Then give it
iSo_Cold ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 17:13:38 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Also Godhood.
my_name_is_the_DUDE ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 19:15:27 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I'm not sure an eternity of kissing pooholes is what I'm personnally interested in.
iSo_Cold ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 20:01:49 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
But you don't have to. You get to pick who feels that kiss. You could pick whatever flavor of sexy poopspout you prefer!
For me Scarlett Johansson and Kerry Washington will need towels to wipe. I'm French kissing them every time they walk into a bathroom. Even to brush their teeth.
Keksliebhaber ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 17:59:40 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
You get the Murphy's, Poseidon the ScarJo's himself.
darkchaos989 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 19:20:51 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Would you still take it if for every 50 Eddie Murphy's you get 100 Rosie O'Donnells though.
LordNoodles ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 19:29:17 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Most OK-ish internship ever
blamb211 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:33:56 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
( อกยฐ อส อกยฐ) agreed
mydearwatson616 ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 17:06:33 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Ass kissing is the job description of all unpaid internships.
lachalupacabrita ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 18:03:32 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
WorstEvery unpaid internship ever.realjefftaylor ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 18:00:07 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Maybe for you :*
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:15:51 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
No. It seems pretty standard. Everyone kisses ass.
Oathed15 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:52:07 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Not if your into that kinda thing
a_bongos ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:06:09 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
*best
RusskieRed ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:56:11 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Ah, I see you've never interned at Intel before
KeisariFLANAGAN ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 21:50:43 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
That's what all unpaid internships are though...
[deleted] ยท 8 points ยท Posted at 16:16:39 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Inb4 the task of outsourcing is outsourced
RandomName01 ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 16:26:02 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Where can someone find an honest job anymore?
Suge_White ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:50:10 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
It's called delegation of duties.
USxMARINE ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:59:59 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Damn Chinese.
Redditistheplacetobe ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 16:08:54 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
If he wants to lick ass, who the fuck are we to judge
sleeping_buddha ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 16:12:21 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
so something like this
Jacksonspace ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:12:06 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
What a whore.
Brotherauron ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:12:15 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Mother fucking Jenny..
rblue ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:27:48 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Kissing a poopy butthole. Man...
Appetite4destruction ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:40:51 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Him and Jenny.
King_Poseidon ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 17:21:36 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I hate this thread.
leepuffz ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 16:42:53 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I knew Poseidon was an ass-man.
venk ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 16:52:53 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I prefer Neptune's Kisses since Neptune kisses Uranus
soulstonedomg ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 16:53:36 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I just got one of those kisses while reading that.
achillesfist ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 16:58:47 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Butt kraken attack
murraybiscuit ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 17:09:16 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Ass and you shall receive.
A-NI-MAL ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 17:19:20 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
He's Poseidon's Cupid!
lepera ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 17:32:38 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Sounds like a Bioshock vigor.
toomuchtodotoday ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 17:45:12 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Poseidon's Tongue Punch
weekapaugrooove ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 22:05:57 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
TIL: there's a name for that
largaxis ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 22:17:03 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I fucking died.
drdeadringer ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 18:31:10 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Poseidon Kisses No Ass Of Man!!
compto35 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 18:53:53 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
That's a new term of art
dandaman0345 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 19:10:42 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
That made my butthole pucker up.
Astralogist ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 19:37:24 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
More like Poseidon's Dirty Sanchez.
[deleted] ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 20:01:06 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Going to guess that that was the joke. It's a shitty job.
dm117 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 20:27:05 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I too remember that thread.
Veggiedaniel ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 16:19:28 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Kerplunk!
cualcrees ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 16:21:46 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
โช Because your kiss your kiss Is on my list... โช
Glasspirate ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 16:29:45 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Poseidon's kiss is where you get bong water in your mouth taking a hit
joedl1 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 16:39:20 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I was drinking chocolate while I read this and I cracked up...it was so so close to being spat out all over my food
Nithryok ยท 388 points ยท Posted at 14:52:41 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Except a sheet of TP can remove that effect....
Toppo ยท 852 points ยท Posted at 15:06:21 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Probably it's some rivaling lesser God of Toilet Paper, and the God of Toilet Paper and the Poseidon's intern have this Greek soap drama going on, stuck in an eternal battle because one of them banged the other ones mom.
erddad890765 ยท 251 points ยท Posted at 15:21:38 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
*In the other's temple.
[deleted] ยท 11 points ยท Posted at 16:15:50 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Probably both, while transformed into an orangutan.
[deleted] ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 18:18:27 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Temple fucking? Ouch, that's a headache.
erddad890765 ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 18:40:58 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Athena would agree.
[deleted] ยท 7 points ยท Posted at 16:06:33 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Actually not too far off from plot lines from a lot of Greek and Roman epics. I swear I read this very drama in Virgil's Aenied. The Latin language and meter makes it very moving.
Toppo ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 16:09:11 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Yes, that was what I was thinking about with every Greek god and king having some extramarital affairs with their relatives and nymphs and animals and stuff.
madogvelkor ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 15:54:20 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I smell a holy war!
Veggiedaniel ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:20:42 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I smell a-hole, Leewar
Alarid ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 16:06:02 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Making Aphrodite's filthy sister.
Luckrider ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:50:09 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
/r/WritingPrompts
frotc914 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:19:04 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Such a rich mythology.
MoveslikeQuagger ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:45:15 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I... Would watch that.
Fred-Bruno ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:57:58 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
They've probably got the same mom
Toppo ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:14:14 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
And the other one is jealous as he didn't get to do their mom first.
ImperatorTempus42 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:40:12 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
So, if Oedipus had a deity for a twin?
thetangambino ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:26:23 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
XX360noscopeThunderbolted
Wooper160 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:31:09 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
One is the god of over toilet paper and another is the god of under toilet paper
el_lley ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 21:53:58 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Damn it, I wanted that one! Do you know if the Kleenex god position is still available?
MusicSports ยท 8 points ยท Posted at 15:41:45 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Is it just my massive shits or does this not work for anyone else?
eyoo1109 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:07:10 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
It works for me. One thing you need to remember is to put another sheet before the second drop.
walkingtheriver ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:24:55 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Depends on the toilet's design, I reckon. American toilets are wildly different from German ones, for example.
Noctis_Fox ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:17:52 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
It's actually for dense pieces dropping into very low water. If you go to a port-a-poopy, the splash will occur a lot more than say a toilet because the length a poop has to go through to hit fluids is usually 2-3x more. You also have to account for speed. So we have: height, density, and speed of said shit.
fade_like_a_sigh ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:24:03 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Create a barrier where the toiler paper is covering the water entirely using multiple connected sheets if necessary. Reapply paper as needed.
Ifromjipang ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:42:55 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
How does anyone have time for this shit?
fade_like_a_sigh ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 08:42:00 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
It's better than getting toilet water on your ass.
KuribohGirl ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:16:16 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Wrap it around your hand several times first so it's thick enough
[deleted] ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 15:41:31 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
But the splash back acts as a makeshift bidet and therefore reduces the number of sheets needed.
zyzzdisease ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 15:47:00 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
My go to trick. Saved me many a wet cheek!
kingeryck ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 16:00:10 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Blasphemy!
Aeroshock ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 16:57:44 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
It's more like you're making an offering.
Nevadadrifter ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 17:19:45 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Why on earth would you want to prevent the poor man's bidet?
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:20:42 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I always thought that might work but I forget to do it every time.
Nithryok ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:34:40 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
it's habit, always wipe down the seat!
thetarget3 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:39:26 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Heretic!
DaveGarbe ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:26:15 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
That may remove the liquid, but in a public toilet, it won't remove the shame.
Nithryok ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:01:37 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
There is no shame in a public toilet! Drop your beast like you own the place, and let others waft in your glory, as you raise heralds to the gods!
WildlyInept ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:30:39 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Checkmate theists
Filthy_MP ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:39:23 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
You dare deny Poseidon!?
Narissis ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:51:16 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
And a lightning rod can deflect the almighty Zeus' power. What's your point?
MCskeptic ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 21:00:35 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Remove? Why would you want to remove that effect?
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:51:15 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
[deleted]
Nithryok ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:52:24 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Not with that attitude it wont!
Gorillagodzilla ยท 78 points ยท Posted at 15:36:38 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
You'll be in charge of Poseidon's kiss...
I can see why he'd want to outsource that.
adanine ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 15:38:14 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Isn't that an issue that only America and Canada have? You don't have any power over most of the world!
emptybucketpenis ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 16:23:53 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
American problems
Warlock_225 ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 15:31:04 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Then I will be the god of putting toilet paper in the toilet before You shit. My followers will always be smarter then yours!
3kindsofsalt ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 15:49:24 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Its called a Worthington Jet.
Master_Tallness ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 15:56:52 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I was experiencing this just as I read your comment.
PBFT ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 16:26:49 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
When it splashes on to your dick it's called "Poseidon's Gloryhole"
cptdino ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 16:35:28 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
So... Your work is eating/taking shit?
bengle ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 16:38:13 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Taking a shit now. Just had that happen to me! Dude, I'd vote for you.
SunriseSurprise ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 16:39:21 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The almighty Plopeus.
eeCHUNGeeSeeOHee ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 16:40:01 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Asshole
[deleted] ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 16:42:09 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Oh yes, Pooseidon.
Vindelator ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 16:47:09 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I'll be praying to you next time I take a crap, I know that.
AKAkindofadick ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 17:14:40 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
It's one thing at home, but in a port-o-potty? C'mon man, stop.
traffick ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 17:19:06 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
by choice
EatAllotaDaPita ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 17:20:29 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Then I shall be your counterpart: God of the single wipe
King_Poseidon ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 17:22:15 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
...Like hell you will.
[deleted] ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 17:27:57 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
You sir made my day. I am too poor for Gold but here Take this Silver
cross-joint-lover ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 19:06:50 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
That was beautiful, thank you.
Maxkai ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 17:31:05 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Fix this problem by laying a piece of toilet paper across the water before you shit
Hellkyte ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 18:27:24 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Yarr me hardies, a tumultuous sea, she be
Saemika ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 18:44:43 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Then who is it that forces the tip of my dick to kiss the inside of the bowl?
Malak77 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 19:10:31 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Mine are so big, they break surface before release, so I don't have this issue.
mattatinternet ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 19:57:19 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
And what if I anger you by putting some toilet paper in the water so that you can't kiss my arse? What will you do then?
MichaelNevermore ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 20:00:10 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)*
Toilet paper flat over the surface of the water -->
BreaksVaries the surface tension --> No splashback.Proof.
Where's your god now?
Edit: Linked straight to the good part.
Hitchmeister ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 20:12:50 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Pooseiden.
LeiLeiVB ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 20:28:41 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
That's. Hilarious.
But I do fear you oh intern God.
Schmitty300 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 20:34:10 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
This literally just happened to me as I read this...
CptHair ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 20:57:30 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I guess we would be related- I would be the god of flushing. I'm often ignored, but at that first visit at your girlfriend/boyfriends parents, when I threaten to show my anger and overflow, you start praying real hard.
PoseidonOfTheSea ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 22:17:11 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I fall asleep, and a thread like this pops up. For Gods' sake.
xVoodoux ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 22:48:55 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Not if my low water level has anything to say about it.
[deleted] ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 01:02:52 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
See, this is why you shit in the woods instead. No splash back.
Billyboii ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 01:49:18 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I read this literally as it happened to me. What the fuck.
Intuiton ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 21:05:42 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
LPT: throw a bunch of toilet paper in the bowl before shitting --> no splash!
JeremyArroyo ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 15:40:16 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Joke stolen from Steve Trevino
[deleted] ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 16:17:09 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
as opposed to....?
Undecided_User_Name ยท 1391 points ยท Posted at 11:53:56 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of Jolly Cooperation!!!
\[T]/
Zeolance ยท 598 points ยท Posted at 12:00:48 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
\[T]/ โผ
Jetpackm4n ยท 426 points ยท Posted at 14:55:21 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
\ [T]"/ Praise the Sun!
ZDTreefur ยท 13 points ยท Posted at 17:16:36 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)*
\ [T]/
0947823 ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 20:36:05 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
https://youtu.be/Kl5ExYfQhlg skip to 1:09. On mobile so can't hyperlink good
Pitrivie ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 18:11:24 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
That, that is OK.
ladoro ยท 257 points ยท Posted at 15:13:56 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
[deleted] ยท 335 points ยท Posted at 12:55:03 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
YOU'RE SO INCANDESCENT
Undecided_User_Name ยท 224 points ยท Posted at 13:03:30 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Grossly So, My Sunbro!!!
thegiantcat1 ยท 103 points ยท Posted at 14:36:58 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I wish I could be this incandescent, any pointers?
Undecided_User_Name ยท 174 points ยท Posted at 14:39:34 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Step One- Be Jolly
Step Two- Cooperate
Step Three- PRAISE THE SUN!!!
Now go in peace
PALMER13579 ยท 12 points ยท Posted at 15:39:51 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Directions unclear: invaded as Darkwraith and murdered world owner
BozzCL ยท 11 points ยท Posted at 15:36:09 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
You forgot the Sunny D, my liege.
Undecided_User_Name ยท 13 points ยท Posted at 15:48:59 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
A true follower needs no reminding of such obvious things
BobIV ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 19:19:10 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Hey! Purple stuff!
[deleted] ยท 29 points ยท Posted at 13:04:14 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
( อกยฐ อส อกยฐ)
Undecided_User_Name ยท 48 points ยท Posted at 13:20:10 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
| T |
NerdyHydra ยท 45 points ยท Posted at 14:29:40 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Is that a crotch, or a helmet?
Undecided_User_Name ยท 49 points ยท Posted at 14:33:31 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Anything you want it to be
OneArmedMidget ยท 10 points ยท Posted at 15:24:22 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of deciding usernames, you've had long enough.
Undecided_User_Name ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 15:50:13 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I decided to be undecided
OneArmedMidget ยท 7 points ยท Posted at 18:27:54 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
But than your username isn't undecided.
Undecided_User_Name ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 18:29:37 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Exactly
OneArmedMidget ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 18:30:40 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Wow.
Undecided_User_Name ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 22:32:09 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I know, right?
[deleted] ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 14:58:43 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
It's a crotch helmet.
sp4zzy ยท 11 points ยท Posted at 15:29:19 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Definitely what I'm calling underwear now.
kirbyMonster ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 15:27:06 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Why not both?
MungAmongUs ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 16:26:19 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Fuck it, face goes there.
Habsfil ยท 168 points ยท Posted at 14:12:17 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Have an upframpt
Undecided_User_Name ยท 91 points ยท Posted at 14:35:42 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
A sunlight medal will do just fine
CombativeAccount ยท 8 points ยท Posted at 17:36:37 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
If I didn't know better, I'd think you had feelings for me!
Undecided_User_Name ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 17:47:58 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I have feelings for everyone
thegraymaninthmiddle ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 23:49:22 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Oh my, you must pretend you didn't hear that
Aahhhhhahahahahaha!
Bladex454 ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 17:00:23 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Can I have a Cracked Red Eye Orb?
>_>
Boy_Man-God_Shit ยท 28 points ยท Posted at 14:28:53 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Do you hear our prayers...?
Undecided_User_Name ยท 14 points ยท Posted at 14:35:21 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Yes
Boy_Man-God_Shit ยท 20 points ยท Posted at 14:41:23 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Grant me eyes?
NightHawk364 ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 17:15:49 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Like he did the vacuous Rom?
Weaselmon ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 21:47:57 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Will you finally let me connect with my coming of age brethren?
Please accept my offerings.
[deleted] ยท 134 points ยท Posted at 15:41:47 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
[deleted]
Undecided_User_Name ยท 129 points ยท Posted at 15:47:42 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Dark Souls
nquinn444 ยท 48 points ยท Posted at 16:36:49 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Solaire, from Dark Souls. He is a warrior of the sun and is a fan favorite character.
\[T]/โ๏ธ
kenjutsudude ยท 16 points ยท Posted at 17:13:27 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Here is the character speaking the line in question.
edit: The goofy trumpet fanfare is not originally in the game; somebody edited it in.
entityknownevil ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 19:51:01 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Doot doot
DukeSpraynard ยท 7 points ยท Posted at 19:59:58 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
thank mr solar
[deleted] ยท 12 points ยท Posted at 16:37:16 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Dank souls
phoenix2448 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 23:07:07 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Sunsingers in Destiny ;)
Undecided_User_Name ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:44:07 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
No we're not, dingus!
Sunbros in Dark Souls
Darkwraith38 ยท 10 points ยท Posted at 16:52:42 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
If only I could be so gloriously incandescent!! ๐ฎ
SHOWTIME316 ยท 16 points ยท Posted at 15:42:15 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
420 praise it.
itsjh ยท 7 points ยท Posted at 15:38:10 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
look skyward
Kim-chan ยท 7 points ยท Posted at 15:47:49 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
420 praise it \ [T ]/
[deleted] ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 16:50:17 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
You mean the God of War!!!!
Hell. You meant the GOD OF JOLLY COOPERATION!!!!
[T]/
SplaTTerBoXDotA ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 16:15:49 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
How grossly incandescent!
xd0min0x ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 17:10:28 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Praise the sun!
[deleted] ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 15:31:33 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
In anor londo I killed solaire accidently. QQ
The_Unreal ยท 9 points ยท Posted at 15:55:43 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Well now you have to go save him in NG+. Get to work.
Bladex454 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 16:59:14 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Why, why sunbro? Why'd you gang up on me back in Darkroot?
Undecided_User_Name ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 17:47:35 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I NEVER!
Bladex454 ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 17:56:04 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
You and your dark magic using havel.
Undecided_User_Name ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 18:13:52 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
HOW DARE YOU ACCUSE ME OF SUCH UNJOLLY THINGS!!!!
Bladex454 ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 18:38:19 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
THE GUILTY PAY THE PRICE.
Undecided_User_Name ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 18:55:02 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
SEIZE THE HERETIC!!!
Aztec_Reaper ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 19:15:31 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)*
uses darkmoon blade heretic, feel thine wrath!
bigmcstrongmuscle ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 18:36:59 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
PRAISE THE UNDECIDED_USER_NAME!!!
chaoko99 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 19:30:36 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of having your co-op handshakes actually fucking work
\[T]/
TheSexiestManAlive ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 19:46:10 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
If only I could be so grossly luminescent.
RambunctiousGay ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 19:57:10 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
WATRINGSUGOTBICTH
TheBruceMeister ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 21:03:47 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
\[T]/
Kubrick_Fan ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 21:07:35 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
[deleted] ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 21:14:02 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
but now we can get your medals by killing falconers...no jolly cooperation even needed :(
[deleted] ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 21:45:28 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
IF ONLY I COULD BE SO GROSSLY INCANDESCENT =((
wolffpack8808 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 17:48:04 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Praise the Sun! https://youtu.be/eHgNXBP_Jwc
[deleted] ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 19:01:44 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Notice me Sunpai!
CaptainAction ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 16:46:51 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I prefer Zinder, god of Desire (and piggies)
natalie2012 ยท 1279 points ยท Posted at 11:03:09 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The Goddess of paper cuts and random breast/testicle pains.
xRaw-HD ยท 1092 points ยท Posted at 12:12:35 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Why are all the gods vicious cunts? Wheres the god of tits and wine?
MagicHamsta ยท 393 points ยท Posted at 15:11:01 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
They're too busy enjoying tits and wine, obviously.
EternalSmoke ยท 839 points ยท Posted at 13:40:31 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Isn't that just Bacchus?
Barimen ยท 626 points ยท Posted at 14:37:15 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I was thinking Dionysus.
RavenKouhai ยท 708 points ยท Posted at 14:41:44 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Same thing. Dionysus is the Greek name, Bacchus is the Roman name.
The_Puppetmaster ยท 407 points ยท Posted at 14:59:05 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
If Percy Jackson taught me anything, they're a bit less alike than they seem.
Zariay ยท 118 points ยท Posted at 15:04:13 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Them split personalities
AdmiralAkbar1 ยท 13 points ยท Posted at 16:13:43 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
All the Hellenic gods are sociopaths anyway, might as well have them be schizophrenics while they're at it.
radios_appear ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 16:29:17 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
At least they seemed like they were having a good time.
Mage_of_Shadows ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 09:46:05 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
As Bacchus he is more warlike
DO_NOT_EAT ยท 23 points ยท Posted at 16:28:52 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
As much as I love me some Percy Jackson, that series did Dionysus no justice. My dudes been throwing massive cult orgies from basically the beginning of organized religions and is present in nearly every culture. You know St. Pattys day? Dionysus did it first motherfuckers.
awry_lynx ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 16:50:08 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
(paddy's)
(sorry but Patty's is the feminine diminutive for Patricia)
DO_NOT_EAT ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 18:25:29 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Damn it, I had it as Paddy's at first then changed it.
Mage_of_Shadows ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 09:43:23 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Because the series was aimed for young adults/teenagers
DoubleDonk ยท 14 points ยท Posted at 15:34:37 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Well, the only real difference is Pepsi/Coca Cola favouritism.. At lease that's nog as bad as Athene/Minerva
Evilkill78 ยท 8 points ยท Posted at 15:41:21 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
One drinks Pepsi, the other Coke. The horror!
Speech500 ยท 9 points ยท Posted at 16:00:26 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)*
If Percy Jackson taught you anything, you probably have a very peculiar view of ancient gods
[deleted] ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 15:30:23 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
In the middle of re-reading that series now. I like the split personalities showing how civilization has changed.
AreWe_TheBaddies ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 19:48:54 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
If Mardi Grad has taught me anything, Bacchus is quite a fun God.
h3rp3r ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 23:40:31 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
What Atticus taught me was that they're cunts.
golden_hell ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 23:55:09 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
That's not particularly cannon on the mythology itself man
TransgenderPride ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 12:00:48 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Seriously though, fuck the Romans. And the entire second series.
JoshwaarBee ยท -17 points ยท Posted at 17:17:50 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Really? I thought that Percy Jackson taught us that trying to emulate the Harry Potter franchise is a sure-fire way to make some seriously mediocre books, and really bad films.
barassmonkey17 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 00:42:13 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Meh, I wouldn't say they were mediocre. They were pretty good, though the films were bad. And I also wouldn't say they were copies of Harry Potter. Does Rowling now have a monopoly on "special children trained at special, magical place"?
Zariay ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:57:47 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The films were terrible because they tried to go from making their own version of the story in movie 1 to trying to go back to the book in movie 2, and they STILL didn't do it right.
Granted, I still enjoy them because Percy Jackson.
Durden11 ยท -11 points ยท Posted at 15:33:04 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
We found him! The one person that saw Percy Jackson!
Neospector ยท 15 points ยท Posted at 16:15:20 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
It's not possible to have seen the movie and know about the split personality deal, that was introduced in the Heroes of Olympus series. The movie (only barely) covered the first series, if you can call it "covered".
He'd had to have read the books.
Red_Shade999 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 23:07:34 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Actually there are two movies and they are 1 movie to 1 book in ratio
CarbonCreed ยท 9 points ยท Posted at 15:43:10 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Read it more likely.
CaptainExtravaganza ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 15:20:53 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Don't forget Aphrodite. Can't have a party with her.
A_Soporific ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 16:14:18 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
It's important to note that while the Romans went out of their way to say that Jupiter = Zeus there are still some pretty significant differences. It's clear that many of the Roman deities had different origins and became more similar to their Greek analogs over time or started identical to their Greek counterparts but were synergized with gods from other pantheons departing significantly.
Just look at Ares/Mars. Ares was functionally a crybaby and bully. Yeah, he was strong but dude was a glass canon. He was a god of war, but not a god of just wars. He was BFFs with gods of famine and disease. Mars, conversely had most of these weaknesses stripped out and all wars were axiomatically just if it was Romans versus non-Romans. The Romans were always very careful to have a justification for foreign wars, no matter how flimsy or fabricated.
Superficially, sure. Close enough for government work. But if you want to actually work with the mythology or the cultures being represented then it's nowhere close to good enough.
CaramelCenter ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 21:17:40 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
No, Bacchus is my Indian substitute teacher who always messes up my name. How hard is Theodore?
K_cutt08 ยท -2 points ยท Posted at 17:01:17 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
In my mind there's no such thing as Roman gods, just Greek gods spoken in another language/re-named to steal them. I really hate that the game Smite has both Greek and Roman gods.
thrownalee ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 16:18:58 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Tits, wine, madness and having you torn to shreds if you aren't careful.
ConnorBurnsRed ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 17:56:41 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
More like Dialysis...Amirite?
Di0nysus ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:32:41 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
You called?
Bacchus169 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:44:58 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Get out of my spotlight!
XxsquirrelxX ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 15:50:27 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Bacchus is the god of wine, but if there was a god of tits, it'd be Aphrodite.
icorrectpettydetails ยท 11 points ยท Posted at 17:39:30 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Aphrodite was the Goddess of having nice tits, Bacchus was the God of having tits around and exposed.
XxsquirrelxX ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 17:44:18 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Well, Bacchus was a literal party God, so that's to be expected.
BananaPuddings ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 22:28:25 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I was thinking Tyrion Lannister.
[deleted] ยท 35 points ยท Posted at 14:58:42 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)*
[deleted]
[deleted] ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 16:49:29 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Loved every scene between Varys and any other character
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:31:45 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Risky click of the day..
SingularBread ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 16:01:13 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
He prefers titties and beer
ReadOutOfContext ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 22:00:09 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Your god is here and you may play with them and whine in between them until you feel better.
http://i.imgur.com/cdcb4e2.jpg
foxsweater ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:01:52 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Tits and wine is apparently not an entry level position. You have to god a lot before you get promoted to a sweet gig like that.
MiamLitchell ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:08:25 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Is that a Tyrion quote?
DoctorWSG ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:52:11 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Dionysus is all well and good, but Tyrian has stepped up to the plate to claim that throne.
kbruce4 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:11:46 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I am pretty sure the god of tits and wine isn't entry level.
-FuckMe- ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 20:47:15 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Dionysus in Greek mythology, i believe.
TestRedditorPleaseIg ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 04:46:50 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The Summer Isles
CootieM0nster ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 12:13:33 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
If they've got tits and wine they don't need to be on Reddit
Knottystitchie ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 22:10:06 on October 6, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Isn't that Tyrion?
joskar14 ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 14:58:42 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I too am a fan of Tyrion ;)
stunt_penguin ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 16:20:02 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Lord Tyrion Lannister??
[deleted] ยท -1 points ยท Posted at 16:48:41 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
stunt_penguin ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 17:14:55 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Lannister??!
https://www.google.ie/search?q=tyrion+lannister&client=ms-android-hms-vf-ie&espv=1&prmd=ivn&source=lnms&tbm=isch&sa=X&ved=0CAYQ_AUoAWoVChMI9oOI8PfnxwIV7GrbCh2PnQCR
[deleted] ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 00:29:06 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I am the lesser god of tits and wine. Not all tits and wine, mind; I will be the god of small tits and those shitty sample-sized glasses of wine you get on airplanes.
[deleted] ยท 167 points ยท Posted at 11:32:23 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
You bitch
natalie2012 ยท 198 points ยท Posted at 11:41:24 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Remember me when you get sack tapped. I was there in spirit. :)
stoopid_dummy ยท 69 points ยท Posted at 11:57:44 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Not sure if you made that goofball smiley at the end on purpose, but it's perfect. :)
DrDew00 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:52:10 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Looks like it has a trunk.
TheViper9 ยท 27 points ยท Posted at 11:54:45 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
put a \ before the ^ to make it look like :^)
Undecided_User_Name ยท 11 points ยท Posted at 14:34:12 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
IT WAS ME, BARRY! I TAPPED YOUR SACK!
dicktarded ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 14:54:45 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
IT WAS ME, AUSTIN! I WAS THE ONE THAT SAW THE GUY TAP YOUR SACK! IT WAS ME , ALL ALONG!
HDRed ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 21:01:17 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
It was me barry?
randomdud3 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 13:14:38 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I'm gonna draw dickbutt on your every worshipping statues face.
GoEaglesAyoo ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 16:40:40 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
That's kinda hot, come sack tap me
Chauliac ยท 67 points ยท Posted at 13:15:28 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
sorry, satan was taken
SatansMessiah ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:14:13 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Yes I must take upon the role of his savior I deeply apologize although I don't
Scrubtac ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 18:00:53 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
What about that muscle that sometimes gets pulled in your neck when you yawn that causes agony for like 3 seconds?
Rogue_Marshmallow ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 15:43:12 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The night before last I was sleeping on a couch with a bunch of friends and I was kind of half on the couch and half on the ottoman with a small gap in between. It wasn't the most comfortable but whatever. Anyway this lgap managed to be right at my crotch area and so, having been wearing sweatpants, my dick and balls were more or less free swinging into this crevice. After 8 or 9 hours of this vertical danglage, I moved and felt intense pain in my testicles, like a straight kick to the balls. So thanks for that.
natalie2012 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 07:30:07 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
You have been blessed my child.
UNC_Samurai ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 15:37:13 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Were you responsible for The Great Ballsack Conundrum?
because_monstah ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 17:36:57 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Are you so tricky that a sacrifice to please you requires paper cuts and random breast/testicle pains, which would happen anyway should you get angry?
natalie2012 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 07:29:39 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
It's basically a lose/lose situation for everyone but me.
motionmatrix ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:26:30 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Ah yes, I laid upon your altar yesterday in that damn waterpark slides. The boys are still hurting.
Throoweweiz ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:31:22 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
You bastard
QueuedeSpool ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:20:33 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
You should get together with the god of clean wiping. You guys could do something special together.
Gr1pp717 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:33:37 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
So you're the reason my vasectomy went awry. What the hell'd I do to you?! Can't a guy nut without regret?
natalie2012 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 07:35:31 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Yeah I'll take the blame for that one. I was having a bad day.
sensibleheels ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 20:37:36 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Are you also in charge of random asshole pain? Or do you know where I can send tribute?
natalie2012 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 07:33:56 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Sorry I'm gonna have to transfer you to another department, but please feel free to take this complementary paper cut in-between your toes and a gentle, yet still painful sack tap. You have been blessed. Good day.
Kubrick_Fan ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 21:12:24 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
So you'd be the Goddess Orchitis ? I have it and it's horrific
gamedemon24 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 23:45:29 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
You monster.
no_talent_ass_clown ยท 3034 points ยท Posted at 11:22:36 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
My name is Squat, I am the Goddess of Parking Spaces. You must entreat me when you are circling the block, saying repeatedly...
"Holy Squat, Batman, a parking space."
If you are sincere, one will materialize.
sloth_runner ยท 1782 points ยท Posted at 12:14:01 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
If you take Goddess Squat's name in vain, endless motorcycles parked all the way up in spaces will loom in your future.
[deleted] ยท 1408 points ยท Posted at 14:51:27 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
One day Jack was trying to find a parking space at the airport. It was a Tuesday afternoon and seemingly the entire long-term lot was full. He drove back and forth and back and forth and was getting dangerously close to missing his flight.
Up in the Heavens, the goddess Squat looked down on poor Jack's predicament. She wondered aloud to Zeus "Why dost not Jack simply call out to me?"
Zeus replied "Well, you don't know Jack, Squat." And it twas true, they had never been formally introduced. Jack missed his flight that day.
yappingboy ยท 306 points ยท Posted at 15:13:12 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I read that in the voice of the stanley parable guy.
[deleted] ยท 20 points ยท Posted at 15:40:02 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
[deleted]
Cyberslasher ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 22:41:23 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Martin Freeman. The British accent made it even better.
Carolinadrama ยท 12 points ยท Posted at 15:38:21 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I read it in the voice of Stanley Tucci.
TastyBrainMeats ยท 14 points ยท Posted at 16:44:05 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
This is the story of a man named Stanley...Tucci. Hold on a moment, this can't be the right script.
Cow_Launcher ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 16:04:56 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I couldn't tell you why, but I read it in the voice of the Pepperidge Farm guy.
inflammablepenguin ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:05:11 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Jack Handy.
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 21:01:06 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I read everything in the voice of the stanley parable guy.
corobo ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 22:22:44 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
My brain just re-wrote the memory of me reading that as I read your reply and now so did I
penea2 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:40:00 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Looool so did I. His voce goes so well with so many things.
librlman ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 15:57:31 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I read the Zeus line in the voice of the cowboy that rode the nuke in Dr. Zhivago.
mywifeletsmereddit ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 16:37:22 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Alright even if that's your alt account; well done motherfucker, well done
crewserbattle ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 19:20:43 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I'm pretty sure "twas" is short for "it was"
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 20:47:40 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
My Olde Tyme Engrish, not so good. Tis true.
DasJuden63 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 04:58:03 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
You belong over in /r/dnd
LazyBuhdaBelly ยท 151 points ยท Posted at 14:19:33 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
If you deny Goddess Squat, those motorcycles will be replaced with smart cars and all available spots will be between two large, raised, barely-street-legal pick up trucks.
pizzaboy192 ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 19:28:58 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I used to keep a sign in my rear window that read "I'm manly enough to drive this tiny car" and park near every pavement princess I could find.
One trip to the junkyard for a new door later and that sign no longer rests in my window.
gpot97 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 23:30:40 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
What happened to it? (sorry I'm a bit slow)
pizzaboy192 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 23:33:33 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Don't have pictures anywhere that I can find (happened when I was pre-smartphone), but it looked like someone got pissed and kicked the door in. Was a back door, and strangely enough, was replaced prior to me buying the car.
Ended up hitting a junkyard and getting a new door for like $25 (after selling them my door) because they had a few too many cars laying around and was running a sale on doors. (Might have been a chop shop, but don't know anyone who would chop up mid 90's GM crapboxes).
gpot97 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 23:35:31 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Someone had a small penis.
[deleted] ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 15:28:15 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
And smart cars.
horror_fan ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 16:02:46 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Or the invisible small car parked way up.
pizzaboy192 ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 19:28:00 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
As someone who lives near Sturgis, this everyday is my personal hell.
[deleted] ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 16:49:08 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Or if you are from Europe Smart cars.
Troggie42 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 18:25:25 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
If you are on a motorcycle, all motorcycle parking is filled with SUVs and Minivans.
winkw ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 20:40:51 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Or Mini Coopers/Smartcars who pull in too far to give you the impression that the spot is open
josiedeo ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 21:31:58 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
We always had to pray to Asphalta when we were kids circling the parking lot.
razorgoat ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 22:42:12 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
TIL i could be a cleric of Squat
Polantaris ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 00:34:20 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Not just motorcycles, motorcycles constantly behind giant SUV's one after another. That way you think there are so many spots open....but you're always wrong.
vezance ยท -1 points ยท Posted at 17:31:59 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
And when you finally find a parking space, six motorcycles will block you in and the motorcyclists will force you to watch them drink a beer for a hour. One beer for one fucking hour.
scuba7183 ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 17:36:42 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Only if you park in a motorcycle spot :-)
ivebeenherelonger ยท 162 points ยท Posted at 13:58:14 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
What is your judgement on those who use up two parking spaces?
no_talent_ass_clown ยท 551 points ยท Posted at 14:07:18 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Next time they're looking I'll present them with a parallel spot six inches too short.
Feel my vengeance.
2_poor_4_Porsche ยท 191 points ยท Posted at 15:34:31 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I, for one, am really happy that Michael Bolton chooses to grace us.
Veggiedaniel ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 16:16:36 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The Bolt does indeed have talent. It's TASTE that is in short supply
NotTheRightAnswer ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 17:42:40 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Why doesn't he just go by Mike?
2_poor_4_Porsche ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 18:06:49 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I asked him.
He said "Why should I have to change my name? He's the one who sucks!"
However, I, for one, celebrate the man's entire catalogue. As far as I am concerned, when he sings "When a man Loves a Woman" there's no one better.
Symphonous ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 19:05:58 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
burrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrn
jwolff52 ยท -1 points ยท Posted at 17:11:57 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Savage
TheDeza ยท 8 points ยท Posted at 15:18:50 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Nah, 5cm longer than their car is. Just enough to give them hope.
[deleted] ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 15:40:46 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
That will encourage them to take up 2 spaces...
TheRealBurty ยท 49 points ยท Posted at 14:19:34 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
what's your view on parking tickets?
no_talent_ass_clown ยท 287 points ยท Posted at 14:24:59 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I defer to the God of Minor Hassles. He's my supervisor.
adiverges ยท 11 points ยท Posted at 15:19:55 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I fucking love this!
[deleted] ยท 8 points ยท Posted at 15:39:29 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
My family would always chant "Hail Mary full of grace , please give us a parking space." And 60% of the time it worked every time.
UnsinkableRubberDuck ยท 7 points ยท Posted at 14:33:05 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I am going to start doing this. I like this one.
QuoteResponse ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 15:37:29 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)*
"You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left me a little note on the windscreen, it said 'Parking fine.' So that was nice."
-Tim Vine
GrouchyOldBear ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 14:24:51 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The Holy Black Friday is celebrated where not parking will be found.
TastyBrainMeats ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 14:42:22 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
"Great Squat, send me a spot, and I'll send you three nuns."
Timwi ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 16:25:53 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Donโt tell anyone your first name is Diddly.
Bladelink ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 14:54:57 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I'm expecting as soon as you finish the phrase, someone's brake lights turn on ahead of you.
PM_BUTT_PICS ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:34:29 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
If you just say it repeatedly without a specific number of times, isn't it just a rain dance?
Keep saying it until a spot shows up?
Ranchy_Poseidon ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:58:10 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Those that invoke your name too many times shall always have a good parking spot, for Squat shall make them handicapped.
eduardog3000 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:05:24 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
It worked, so I'm gonna go ahead and assume you are a goddess.
Slouder ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:22:14 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
This is totally like the urban goddesses in urban primitive. There's one called squat who has a chant that goes "Squat Squat we like you a lot help us get a parking spot."
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:22:18 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Are you the same Goddess that causes my mom to, 9 times out of 10, get a spot up front? If so what did she do? Sacrifice a child I don't know about?
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:33:22 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Holy Squat, it's Michael Bolton!
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:37:51 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I'm going to yell this when I'm trying to find parking for classes tomorrow.
CaptainAction ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:43:17 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Where I live, I need this more than anything.
jayesanctus ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:53:42 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I'm totally going to try this. It may just work.
Delwin ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:25:31 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I always thought that was Asphalta, goddess of parking spaces.
All praise Asphalta. -- said after finding a good parking space.
GimpedNinja ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:30:48 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Please tell me you smite the assholes who park illegally in handicapped spaces and people who park over the lines
Karistarr ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:04:28 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Are you also in charge of making sure small cars park at the end of their stalls, so I'm not excited to see an empty one, only to get there and realize it's a smart car jammed up front?
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:22:34 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I will no joke start doing this.
HookDragger ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:56:58 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Our family's patron fairy of parking spaces is named "jessica". lol
themcp ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 20:14:02 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Gladys already has that job.
evanescentglint ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 23:27:53 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Oh, GPS (God of Parking Spaces),
What have I done wrong recently that you've damned me to parking 3 blocks away? Do you require my first born? Because I was only joking, you can have my first born. Please bless me again with parking in front of my building and deliver me from motorcycles and drivers that can't parallel park and drivers taking up 2 spaces.
m30w7h ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 23:47:29 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I actually read about this being a real thing- you leave an offering of a chocolate but you have to take a tiny bite of it so you know you're not trying to poison her.
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:18:37 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I think there's already a goddess of parking called merna. When I was little my parents always said "praise Merna" when they found a good parking spot.
Danceweaver ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:19:52 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Hail Lady full of grace, help me find a parking space!
alyakades ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:35:50 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Hail Asphalta full of grace, Help me find a parking space Though it's Friday after dark Find a place where we can park
Febtober2k ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:49:46 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
As a car owning resident of Manhattan, I wish to send you a blank check and my upcoming first born son in exchange for your services.
scooter8709 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 07:32:06 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Can't you be no talent ass clown. Goddess of parking spaces??
Retsejme ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 16:07:40 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Nice try. We all know you'd be the god of elevator music.
Retsejme ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 16:07:49 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Nice try. We all know you'd be the god of elevator music.
Retsejme ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 16:07:54 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Nice try. We all know you'd be the god of elevator music.
Subject1337 ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 16:29:52 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Don't think you'd have too many believers there Squat.
[deleted] ยท 6366 points ยท Posted at 13:49:21 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I would be the god of Shower Arguments.
If you're sufficiently in my grace, an opportunity would arise where you can actually volley into a previously rehearsed shower argument, leaving your crushed opponent speechless, and yourself in a triumphant glory of eloquency.
wizard-of-odd ยท 2268 points ยท Posted at 16:18:30 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I thought you meant arguments had in the shower, which made perfect sense to me for some reason until the second sentence.
[deleted] ยท 3005 points ยท Posted at 16:39:58 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
"Oh, you talking shit now? (*turns shower knobs and waits for right temperature*) aaaite, get undressed and step in, motherfucker! Ama scrub you clean of these preconceived notions, brah"
Zombie_Jesus_ ยท 502 points ยท Posted at 17:39:18 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I still dont know what shower arguments are if not that.
e3super ยท 648 points ยท Posted at 18:13:17 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
It essentially means that you imagine an argument that you may face sometime soon, and you play out your part and the part of the other person in an effort to "rehearse" what you'd say if the argument should it arise in real life.
And his godly power would be to allow those in his graces to have an argument go exactly like the one they practised in the shower, leaving them victorious and worthy of the office worker equivalent of folk songs.
dearlou_ ยท 49 points ยท Posted at 19:27:36 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I thought I was the only one who did this
boothie ยท 23 points ยท Posted at 19:47:12 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
go! Be among your people..... you bunch of weirdoes
Dracunos ยท 11 points ยท Posted at 22:30:09 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of thinking you were the only one who did something sure has taken a hit in the 21st century
lobehold ยท 17 points ยท Posted at 19:54:07 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I thought it's after the actual argument, you replay the argument back in your head while showering and come up with the perfect rebuttal - except that it's too late.
notscenerob ยท 19 points ยท Posted at 20:01:22 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
L'esprit de l'escalier
FountainsOfFluids ยท 7 points ยท Posted at 21:46:59 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Yes, they are opposites.
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:14:02 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)*
Relevant Seinfeld
DoingItWrongly ยท 14 points ยท Posted at 19:58:29 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
This is normal to do all the time right?
Twirrim ยท 10 points ยท Posted at 21:15:20 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
It it's wrong I don't want to be right.
tywhy87 ยท 9 points ยท Posted at 20:41:52 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I never knew other people did this. I asked a close friend if he ever walked through possible conversations/arguments in his head as the other person and he looked at me like I was crazy.
AEWhole ยท 8 points ยท Posted at 21:02:17 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
It has a lot to do with personality. You're an architect that likes to plan and have a plan.
tywhy87 ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 21:07:48 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
YOU DON'T KNOW ME! Okay that's all pretty accurate.
AEWhole ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 21:19:21 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Welcome to the INTJ or INTP or INFP or INFJ club. MBPT
It's nice to know there are brothers and sisters out there.
whitnibritnilowhan ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 01:17:23 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
ENTP, do I get to shower too?
tywhy87 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 21:20:19 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Oh yeah! I'm an I/ENFJ (I test around 50/50 on introvert or extrovert), good call!
holy_lasagne ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 21:49:30 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Amh, just because you seem the most competent on the argument here. I do this a lot, I also figure out scenarios in my head where someone I love die, something terrible happens to me and similar as a way to "prepare myself" just in case... Someone does it too?
AEWhole ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 22:07:30 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
It's normal to have erratic thoughts that don't comply with normal mundane things. People who aren't being challenged intellectually will start challenging themselves with difficult to answer questions or scenarios. Just to see if they can get out of them in their mind or in the physical world. Don't worry you are just like everyone else. Welcome.
The only time you should ever worry (If you are worrying. Don't mean to assume too much.) is if you are completely comfortable about the terrible situation and it's terrible outcome or if you no longer control the erratic thoughts. Control being defined as being able to "forget in the moment" or moving on to something else without dwelling on your interesting scenario. If the thoughts occur more than you like and make you unnecessarily squeamish you should talk with an actual doctor not just a counselor. (Every case of someone not being able to control their own thoughts is linked to a lot of different psychological illnesses. They ARE ALL VERY RARE however and I am betting real money you don't have them if you are in a home or at a job on Reddit.)
I use to write these thoughts down because I thought they would make for good material in a book. I thought of some crazy shit happening to pretty much everything. But, I am too lazy to do anything for too long it would seem.
It's also the N and J part of the personality test I think.
holy_lasagne ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 06:21:57 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
No, I wasn't worried, don't worry. I was just curious to know if that was as common as was the "running an arguments in my head" things.
Thanks for the nice answer.
MaritMonkey ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 03:31:14 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I think if I took a psych test that asked if I argued with myself in the shower, I would take it seriously.
nightfish ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 21:01:57 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
isn't it also Arguments you already had and thrn in the shower think about what you should have said, but didn't.
holy_lasagne ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 21:47:56 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
You don't know how much I love you, felt alone for so much time...
downeysoft ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 22:01:51 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I thought it meant when youre taking a shower and you think of something you shouldve said in an earlier argument
Zombie_Jesus_ ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 23:17:57 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Got it, i've had many a shower arguement. If ever a situation arises that fits exactly to the parameters of a shower argument i've had i'd still be screwed because i will have forgotten my "perfect" response.
[deleted] ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 00:08:30 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)*
The ocean called...
danthemagnum ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 00:35:34 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Wait, what? People do that? Am I supposed to be doing that?!
Alan_Smithee_ ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 00:48:51 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I thought those were in hindsight.
Sheepocalypse ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 01:32:57 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Y'all people must have long showers if you spend so much time thinking of arguments.
If I'm in the shower I'm either washing, fapping, or thinking about fapping.
Sobertese ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 02:53:01 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Great, my shower arguments turn into shower courtroom trials 75% of the time.
suhayla ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 04:32:45 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I feel like so much less of a weirdo finding out this is a thing! wow.
JBaston ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 06:29:01 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The French have a phrase for this, it translates as 'the wit of the stairs'. https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/L'esprit_de_l'escalier
[deleted] ยท 7 points ยท Posted at 18:25:41 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Basically this:
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/L%27esprit_de_l%27escalier?wprov=sfia1
haldr ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 19:01:51 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Sort of, but in reverse, I think. You imagine a whole scenario where you demolish someone in a perfectly worded and thought-out argument but the reality tends to be that you either don't have an opportunity to have the argument at all or it doesn't go at all as you had imagined it for one reason or another. This benevolent god would allow those in their good graces to follow thorough with their imagined scenario just as they had pictured it, granting them the glory previously only dreamt of just prior to their offering of the morning shower jerk.
Dapplegonger ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 18:42:30 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
When you think of what somebody might say to you, then think of what you might say in response, then repeat ad infinitum. That way you are adequately prepared for any perfect situation that will never happen
Zombie_Jesus_ ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 23:16:05 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Got it, thanks.
[deleted] ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 20:24:04 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
What a charmed life you must lead.
Zombie_Jesus_ ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 23:15:36 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Are you being a douchedcunt or are you just a pleasantly hopeful person?
[deleted] ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 16:05:36 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I'm saying if your brain doesn't playback arguments and torture you with what you should have said, your life is very charmed indeed. So in answer to your question: I hope... neither?
Zombie_Jesus_ ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 16:42:07 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Sometimes it they're dense enough. Like really, really dense. I'll put them in a jar and pickle my poos.
[deleted] ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 20:18:54 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
How nice!
BigBurdClint ยท 13 points ยท Posted at 16:52:47 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
"No, you're just gonna call me fat again when I undress!"
[deleted] ยท 12 points ยท Posted at 17:00:48 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
This guy!
SenorAnonymous ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 21:59:31 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
That guy was Idi Amin of Uganda, one of the most brutal dictators in recent history.
willonthephone ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 17:51:57 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Steamy Todd bruh! West side shower bruh! A funny thing happened on the way to the bathroom bruh!
VirtusGoat ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:09:30 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Oh my. That's... arousing. Yes.
Soulfly37 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:13:58 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I can easily see couples taking a morning scuffle into the shower.
USxMARINE ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:58:50 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I'm bout to roast yo ass!
mrenglish22 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 21:31:52 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
My arguments in the shower generally are about putting things in other people's butts. What are you arguing about?
GeminiK ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:39:39 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
at some point youre just having gay sex.
calmcucumber ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:11:48 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
That's fine and all but can you get my back first.
openwindowtime ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:45:32 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Had to gild this because of the unreasonable duration of my laughter. Thank you sir or madam.
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 04:57:09 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Thanks for the gold, buddy. My first :-)
ejambu ยท 13 points ยท Posted at 17:28:24 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Ok I don't understand what he does mean. Explain, please?
paulisthewalrus ยท 27 points ยท Posted at 17:53:02 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
He means when you had an argument before, lost the argument, and then rehearse it in your head in the shower later, where you are able to think of better comebacks, and win the argument.
ejambu ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 18:11:49 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Hahaha ohhhhh. Thanks for explaining!
PM_ME_CAKE ยท 9 points ยท Posted at 17:48:38 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Yeah personally I'm more confused now. I genuinely thought we were having arguments in the shower as if that's a thing.
ejambu ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 18:11:20 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Yeah, my second thought was arguing over who gets to take 1st shower when you share a bathroom??
ikwaa ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 17:46:17 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Read all the comments - still not sure what a shower argument is.
lezred ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:19:41 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
It's been explained twice now! Check again... I was totally in the same boat, but it actually makes a lot of sense now.
DownFromYesBad ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:20:02 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)*
It's another term for l'esprit de l'escalier, apparently.
edit: actually it's completely the opposite, apparently.
Plutoid ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 18:58:50 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Yeah, that's coming up with a good argument after the real argument is over. You could be his cheeky younger sibling. :)
akatherder ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 17:01:29 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Stop using me soap on a rope to clean yer bum. It's around me fookin' neck!
Azusanga ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 17:14:30 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
"I want to speak to your manager!"
"Step on into the shower!"
[deleted] ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 17:42:08 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
This is some enders game shit
therapistofpenisland ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 19:49:42 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
+1 - I think your kind of shower argument god would also be quire awesome! He guides you and provides wisdom as you argue with yourself in the shower, allowing the right course of action/answer to become apparent. He can only aid you while water rains upon your head and while you converse outloud with yourself, though.
Once upon a time this position was indeed held by a god of rain, but once mankind developed umbrellas and started remaining almost entirely indoors in the rain he got bored and wandered off. So the rest of the gods rebranded his position in an attempt to modernize it and find a new candidate, and that's where you come in! This pantheon position also comes with a Twitter account.
[deleted] ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 21:17:20 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
So, he didn't? What did he mean then?
csl512 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 17:05:46 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Beer + arguments?
xlhhnx ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 17:32:30 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I thought that too, makes sense to me, arguments with the SO
CanIHaveSomeGum ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 17:49:12 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Is that not what he's talking about?
Eurynom0s ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 01:07:19 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Shower arguments that lead to angry shower sex.
TheSandreckoner ยท 320 points ยท Posted at 16:07:02 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Is there a subreddit for that? Like a more angsty /r/Showerthoughts ?
I'd read that.
supremecrafters ยท 309 points ยท Posted at 16:28:43 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
/r/staircasewit?
Iazo ยท 20 points ยท Posted at 17:46:44 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
/r/l'espritdel'escalier
Scrambo91 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 02:45:40 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I just wasted 30 minutes. Thanks
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:48:31 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)*
/r/gryphonsfuckingtanks ? (kinda nsfw)
cbelaski ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 18:50:17 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
i am not going to click that, but it would not surprise me at all if it were real
[deleted] ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 20:03:43 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I did it, i believe its real didnt look at pictures though
You_Are_Wonderful_ ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 00:57:44 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I did, it is. The pictures are also real.
TessaValerius ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 12:59:49 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I clicked, I looked. It's real, but there's only three posts.
One's a very skillfully done artwork of a pair of gryphons and their tanks. There are even soldiers (who are anthropomorphic dogs) running away.
One's a cruder sketch of one gryphon and its tanks.
One's a World of Warcraft (I think. haven't played it) screencap of some gryphons attacking a character who's clearly the tank type of build.
OdwordCollon ยท 42 points ยท Posted at 16:46:51 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
/r/ThatHappened is pretty close
KingDarkBlaze ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 18:16:03 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Oh snap
bscooter26 ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 16:42:12 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
/r/Showerargument
analogorithm ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 16:56:50 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Thanks for the mention, I modded him.
Millertron ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 17:17:45 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
/r/showerargument
It seems kinda dead though...
in-site ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 04:31:36 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
there absolutely should be a sub for that. I feel like I'd post there every day, and then maybe feel like less of a super weird moron for rehearsing
mrbrown87 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 17:08:04 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Showerthoughts is a great sub
SlowWalrus ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 17:09:44 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
/r/writingprompts
Starry_Vere ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 17:18:38 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Basically /r/thathappened
toomuchtodotoday ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 17:44:46 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
/r/ShowerDebates
babywhiz ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 19:05:18 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
and not even one mention of /r/showerbeer
sdonaghy ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 19:50:26 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
/r/Showerargument
MrsMonitorMoniker ยท 2335 points ยท Posted at 15:17:21 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I want to up vote you twice, then think of something witty to say later.
babysharkdudududu ยท 834 points ยท Posted at 16:19:58 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
You should probably go take a shower to figure it out
GMoney616 ยท 47 points ยท Posted at 16:59:43 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I want to be the God of when you're driving to work and you realize you forgot something at home but you're debating whether it's too late/too far to go back for it.
mermaid_quesadilla ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 21:23:42 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Torture
[deleted] ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 17:23:10 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)*
May ZoZferatu smile upon him.
TheCheeseCutter ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 16:56:26 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
May the god of Shower Arguments be with her.
Scrambo91 ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 02:38:50 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I upvote you for your username!
babysharkdudududu ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 04:16:54 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
YES! Thank you lol
Kaligraphic ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 16:47:18 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Regular or golden?
TheRomanClub ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 17:10:05 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Well he's a god, so which do you think sounds better?
neilarmsloth ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 18:52:34 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
That was a good comment man. You figure it out in the shower?
babysharkdudududu ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 20:05:40 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The key is to pretend you're always in the shower
neilarmsloth ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 20:19:39 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
But that's what got me on the registry in the first place!!
yumko ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 19:41:33 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
And praise /u/ZoZferatu
DaRealGeorgeBush ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 23:37:42 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I'd be the god of bartending. Seems like i'd get to have all the fun when apollo comes in with his drunk buddies trying to talk shit to zeus and his crew.
just_wok_away ยท 8 points ยท Posted at 16:26:35 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
And then post it on reddit like it really happened.
TuckerBallserson ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 19:46:38 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
He wants it but the world doesn't need another Frankie mcdoodle shitting on tv every afternoon 4:30 cst
headglitch224 ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 20:44:32 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Downvote them, then upvote. Two upvotes!
pm_me_ur_pornstache ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 21:31:25 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Got something yet?
MrsMonitorMoniker ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 21:54:13 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Nope, had completely forgotten about it. Let me shower and get back to you.
DasJuden63 ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 04:48:57 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Here, give him this:
http://imgur.com/Y3NXXTv
TechnicalD ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 17:05:53 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Woah, slow down Unidan
[deleted] ยท 17 points ยท Posted at 16:27:24 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
[removed]
REDDITATO_ ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 16:36:00 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
That's really clever. Did you have to take a shower to think of it?
Arpikarhu ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 16:23:41 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
i am immediately submitting my application to be your high priest! ALL PRAISE YOU!!!!
analogorithm ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 16:55:07 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
His will be done. You have been invited to moderate /r/showerargument.
champlainjane ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 17:00:41 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
This is fantastic. I want this to become a thing so bad.
PmMeYourWhatever ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:59:01 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Sometimes reddit makes me really happy :)
[deleted] ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 16:31:09 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
[deleted]
ReverseAbortion ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:49:07 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Why did the jerk store called you? Are you some kind of important person in the jerk logistics department?
lastcall123 ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 16:24:15 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
L'esprit de l'escalier you mean?
Pas__ ยท 10 points ยท Posted at 16:32:05 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Yes, but in reverse. So no.
You play scenarios in your head while showering, about what you should tell someone next. At least that's standard operating procedure for me.
International_KB ยท 9 points ยท Posted at 16:34:21 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
It's actually the opposite. These are witticisms that you prepare in advance, arguing against an imaginary opponent in the shower.
Of course, in reality you either never get to use your perfectly thought out logic or you mangle the delivery or an actual person blows it to shreds.
[deleted] ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 16:39:18 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Other people do this too? Thank goodness- I thought I was mad!
Garg_and_Moonslicer ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 16:57:51 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
How do I give tribute to you?
Paradoxius ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 17:02:35 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
And if you want to smite someone, have them get into one of those arguments, but have it go differently than they thought it would.
unknown_poo ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 17:07:49 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
But my best arguments arise when I'm taking a poo.
[deleted] ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 17:12:11 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I guess the fact that this has never ever happened is proof that you didn't get the job in the end.
g2f1g6n1 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 17:21:07 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
all hail, our lord and savior! does L'esprit de l'escalier alight your should as nike upon athena?
lawebley ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 17:25:26 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
L'espirit de l'escalier.
DancesWithPugs ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 17:34:50 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I would settle for God of showers.
Gella321 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 17:42:13 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
What about the god of 'Having-a-brilliant-idea-while-doing-mundane -activities-like-walking-the-dog'.
or, 'Always correctly picking the fastest lane in traffic'.
[deleted] ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 17:42:39 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
All hail
[deleted] ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 17:49:35 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I read Augments, like 5 times.....
John_Dakota ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 17:58:10 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
veruy veri nice giv karma ploz
LordPeePerz ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 17:59:56 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
So essentially, you're turning someone into a woman for a moment.
I feel as though this is an ability my wife has that I will never learn.
lemurstep ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 18:03:40 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I'd be the god of shower beers. I would bestow minor fortune immediately after one steps out of the shower after partaking in shower beer communion.
BettiePhage ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 18:18:21 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
now tagged as "God of Shower Arguments"
WangMuncher900 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 18:31:36 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Me irl
NoCleverNickname ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 18:39:05 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I would pray to you daily.
eddiemoya ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 18:43:01 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I said
..biiiiiiiitch
HostOrganism ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:55:34 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
We have overlapping jurisdictions. I am the god of windshields.
bass_n_treble ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:15:04 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
"Well, the jerk store called..."
thewidget98 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 21:57:40 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Perfect... simply perfect...
incognino ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 22:30:57 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Jesus. With The amount of times I've created an insane shower argument and never had the opportunity to use them, I'd pray to you more than five times a day.
Jaybo21 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 22:46:28 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
So glad to know I'm not the only one who does this, as evidenced by the number of up votes.
grimwoldthegrey ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 23:01:00 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I want a [WP] for this.
rare_pig ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 23:02:52 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
that doesn't seem entry level to me
vertigo42 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 23:07:16 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Is this a subset of shower rationalizations
insertkarma2theleft ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:13:37 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
once a year or so something like this happens, holy shit it's beautiful. The stories are legendary
zenspeed ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:18:14 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
For a second, I thought you meant a god of water temperature in the shower.
ModernMuseum ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:27:42 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
In my 32 years, this is the greatest response to this type of question where an individual is hypothetically awarded super-human powers.
...now on to explain this to my 5-year old nephew that his super-human strength is meaningless.
mulls ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:11:52 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The French have a great saying for this, L'esprit de l'escalier, or "the thought on the stairs."
jaegerbombs33 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:28:56 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I've fought my shower before, as well as broken up fights between multiple objects in my shower. It's hard to to explain how but r/Ambien should clear that right up. Apparently I need you in my life
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:39:45 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I would sacrifice whatever you required.
openupmyheartagain ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:32:14 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Definitely was picturing couples arguing in the shower and wondering why that would ever happen.
Jlane06 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:23:21 on September 13, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The ONE time I successfully had a shower argument my opponent was crushed and it was actually quite sad :(
[deleted] ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 17:14:57 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
What about shower masturbation?
barrel0fm0nkeys ยท 439 points ยท Posted at 13:52:34 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I would be the god of radio music. On date nights I can get you laid, but get on my bad side and I'll turn road trips into hell.
justinerwin ยท 156 points ยท Posted at 16:52:42 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
AND I WOULD WALK 500 MILES AND I WOULD WALK 500 MORE
allora_fair ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 22:53:56 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
TODAY, IS GONNA BE THE DAY THAT-
justinerwin ยท 7 points ยท Posted at 23:41:21 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
THEY'RE GONNA THROW IT BACK TO YOU
Realitybytes_ ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 00:04:22 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
JUST TO BE THE MAN THAT WALKED 500 MILES
justinerwin ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 11:03:38 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
1000
barrel0fm0nkeys ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:28:10 on September 11, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
That is a blessing. You're just blind.
bookworm2692 ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 10:54:30 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
IN WHAT WORLD IS 500+500=5000. THAT'S WHAT I HATE MOST ABOUT THIS SONG
justinerwin ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 11:00:47 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The lyrics are "...500 miles, and I would walk 500 more. Just to be the man who walked 1000 miles to fall down at your door."
bookworm2692 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 11:14:01 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Oh. I always heard 5000 instead of 1000 and began getting mad every time I heard the song. Thank you for enlightening me
jfb1337 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 20:03:45 on October 6, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Binary, where the numerals 5 and 0 are used instead of 1 and 0.
bookworm2692 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 08:13:01 on October 7, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
thank you
[deleted] ยท 26 points ยท Posted at 15:58:11 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
[deleted]
riddick3 ยท 14 points ยท Posted at 17:48:45 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
He can control the playback buffering
JarlaxleForPresident ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 20:25:58 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Pandora's always causing problems for gods and mortals. That bitch.
barrel0fm0nkeys ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:29:28 on September 11, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I have my faithful followers: the few stuck in decades past who pass on their devotion to their next of kin; the elite music listeners; those present in the "good old days." Those days may rise once again.
sinRes ยท 10 points ยท Posted at 19:17:24 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Didn't video kill you already?
notasrelevant ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 00:48:42 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Only the star, not the god.
barrel0fm0nkeys ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:27:18 on September 11, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Hey, a god can dream!
[deleted] ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 16:48:08 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Google Play is my god now
barrel0fm0nkeys ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:28:18 on September 11, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Fine. I didn't like you anyway.
fuzzynyanko ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 17:17:38 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
That might not be bad if it's metal, but I guess you mean areas like West Texas
barrel0fm0nkeys ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:27:58 on September 11, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
There we go
GirlWithThePandaHat ยท 7 points ยท Posted at 18:42:28 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
What's new pussy-cat?! WOOOOAH WOAH-WOOOOAH-WOAH! Over and over in the car.
barrel0fm0nkeys ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:27:25 on September 11, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
You're welcome.
DA_BLING ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 17:17:47 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
IM ON A HIGHWAY TO HELL
barrel0fm0nkeys ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:27:50 on September 11, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Well....you're not wrong...
ColoniseMars ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 22:02:37 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Good thing i never listen to the radio anyway, its always shit.
Wait...
barrel0fm0nkeys ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 02:26:45 on September 11, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
You've been naughty
BobIV ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 19:25:04 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I follow the gods of Spotify and Pandora. You and your ilk hold no away over this trip!
Demiscourge ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 00:12:39 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
You mean God IS a DJ?
jrob1235789 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 21:14:49 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
if i got on your bad side id just start praying to steve jobs instead
barrel0fm0nkeys ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:27:00 on September 11, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Infidel!
jrob1235789 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:19:23 on September 11, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
do you have dominion over sirius radio?
barrel0fm0nkeys ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:46:09 on September 11, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Alas, I do not. It is a demon with a mind of its own.
gamedemon24 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 23:52:17 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Do you have the power to block out excessively annoying commercials?
barrel0fm0nkeys ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 02:26:33 on September 11, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Why yes I do. I can also play the CARZ-4-KIDS one on repeat.
gamedemon24 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:30:02 on September 11, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Please oh almighty, I giveth you the entirety of my blessings...
barrel0fm0nkeys ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:32:26 on September 11, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Thank you, sir. And for you, every day is two-fer Tuesday.
KevansMcGurgen ยท 763 points ยท Posted at 11:23:39 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The God of that last bit of pee that always comes out even though you definitely finished and you shook it and then tried to go again and couldn't but god damn there it is anyway and now you've stained your underwear.
MySixteenLetters ยท 353 points ยท Posted at 11:41:45 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The God of the drip!
geraintm ยท 144 points ยท Posted at 11:47:05 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
i love that your post was 16 characters long, but only because i included the punctuation
:)
MySixteenLetters ยท 123 points ยท Posted at 12:48:15 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
You know, I never intended to only use 16 characters in my posts but your like the third person to reference my name so I'm thinking about it. I think it'd be cool.
waz223 ยท 193 points ยท Posted at 13:50:29 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
U dun gooofed up that one mrmanymorelettersthansixteen
MySixteenLetters ยท 390 points ยท Posted at 14:04:06 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I mean next time bro
fgben ยท 72 points ยท Posted at 14:40:09 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Brilliant.
_crackling ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 16:23:46 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)*
Fez tells me, if he could go back in time and do one thing it would be to take back 5 words he spoke "Now you're ugly on the outside just like the inside".
That's more than 5 words...
Yeah he doesn't know, words just kind of run together with him.
BlackFenrir ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 10:11:23 on September 10, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
There's five words that will make a woman fall for you.
HyperbolicInvective ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 16:42:43 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I meant next time yo
MySixteenLetters ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 17:31:06 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
This guy knows.
Furyful_Fawful ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 18:35:59 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
That's only twelve.
F-
MySixteenLetters ยท 7 points ยท Posted at 18:41:18 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Eff your standards
darthbane83 ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 22:44:07 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
In this case you need to count spaces. Oh and "double u" obviously counts as 2. But dont ask me why you need to do this in this case. Its complicated.
Knight_of_Agatha ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 17:56:05 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
So happy you found your identity
MySixteenLetters ยท 11 points ยท Posted at 18:05:02 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
It just feels right
boiledpotatoFTW ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:24:58 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Great delivery!
MySixteenLetters ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 18:49:57 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Appreciate you man
just_a_random_dood ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 23:22:32 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
And so, a new novelty account has been made.
MySixteenLetters ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 23:29:37 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
It is truly an honor
danteNX ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:23:25 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
This time?
MySixteenLetters ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 18:48:07 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Yea I'm starting now
Radvila ยท -7 points ยท Posted at 14:21:12 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Still no.
Threemor ยท 8 points ยท Posted at 15:03:51 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
He got 16 letters there. Spaces aren't letters.
Radvila ยท 9 points ยท Posted at 16:21:18 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
My bad, for some reason I thought it's characters. Good job!
jimmythegeek1 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:29:08 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
He only used 16 letters. It's just that he repeated with some of them.
<sits back while other people tally>
flipht ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 21:31:54 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Response should have been:
MySixteenLetters ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 21:48:06 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I'm not that cool tho
flipht ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 21:58:39 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
We love you anyway, k?
MySixteenLetters ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 23:18:09 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Aww hugs and kisses
[deleted] ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 01:22:10 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
He said letters(A-Z), not characters(which would include the punctuation).....
YetiMarauder ยท 8 points ยท Posted at 14:19:36 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I guess this makes me guilty of vile Heresy and Blasphemy, because all you have to do is dab that shit with some toilet paper.
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:48:41 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Yeah, and toothpaste-tube that fucker.
Uncleted626 ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 15:44:11 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God to the Last Drip
Bubbay ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 16:16:45 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I'd be the God of Properly Identifying Sharts, patron of hangover sufferers everywhere.
We'd be the Brothers of the Clean Undergarments.
dgwingert ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 15:47:59 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
No matter how much you shake and dance, the last drop always ends up in your pants.
KevansMcGurgen ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:51:51 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
That's from Stephen King's It, isn't it?
fuccimama79 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 16:52:48 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I've been praying to you for most of my life. Why dost thou continuously forsake me?
KevansMcGurgen ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 16:54:36 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Because more than two shakes is playing with yourself, sinner.
AdammabA ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 16:53:54 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
LPT: if you press on your gooch when you think you're done peeing, a little more will come out, and this will prevent drippage.
KevansMcGurgen ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 16:55:16 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I'm the God of that last bit of pee, any solution is my nemesis. Prepare for retribution.
DayanNight ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 17:41:55 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I know it's weird, but press on your prostate and you will get that last bit of pee out.
-DisobedientAvocado- ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 18:15:01 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
There's ways to get it out. Push on your gooch.
seattleite23 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:21:19 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Ah, the God of old age!
eonta ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:46:42 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Someone needs to learn the good old gooch press.
BdAzMoFo ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:34:20 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I hate you :)
josmaate ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:06:03 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
No matter how much you jiggle and dance, the last two drops are always in your pants!
ThatDarnSJDoubleW ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 20:12:04 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
But... I thought you were the God of Sidewalk Travel?
LavenderTownJpeg ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 20:53:56 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
But I thought you were the God of Sidewalk Travel?
Megmca ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 21:15:39 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Then I'll be the God of that last little bit of gas that you can't shake off the nozzle and always drips on the ground. Pray to me while rattling the nozzle and those precious drops of fuel will go in the tank where they belong!
dankukri ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 23:58:22 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Am I the only one who just dabs it with a folded up bit of toilet paper?
Scrambo91 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:02:59 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Are you also the God of "I definitely thought I was done peeing, but I just got back in bed and I have to go again. So do I just hold it til morning or go now?"
[deleted] ยท 320 points ยท Posted at 13:44:45 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of printers/scanners/copy machines. I like to fuck shit up.
Knapperx ยท 22 points ยท Posted at 15:42:48 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
An evil god indeed
dougsbeard ยท 15 points ยท Posted at 17:22:59 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Our angry God has demanded our pc load letter as a sacrifice. If only we knew what that meant!
[deleted] ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 01:07:05 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
LOAD THE DAMN LETTER PAPER!!! God... if you people would just read my holy manual...
DFrostedWangsAccount ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 22:35:13 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Probably load letter sized paper into the tray?
GiveMeAFuckingCoffee ยท 10 points ยท Posted at 17:56:52 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Sorry, position's already taken.
makesterriblejokes ยท 7 points ยท Posted at 18:57:16 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
For the non-believers, you make their printers appear offline for no apparent reason... you truly are all powerful.
Kaosbajs ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 18:27:07 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
PC load letter? What the fuck does that mean?
ilikeike95 ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 18:19:04 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
How might we appease thee lord?
QueuedeSpool ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 19:22:50 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
You'll queue up some buggy spools, eh? I think you and I have some business to discuss.
K_cutt08 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 17:09:19 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Similar to the machine spirits of the Warhammer 40K universe?
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:09:52 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Exactly, only When I'm feeling particularly vengeful, I Empty the toner you just filled yesterday, and you find out the inside of your printer is totally gunked with more toner than the machine has ever had in it ever.
Trance354 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 21:19:14 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
too late, I play poker with the guy who programs the machines(canon, xerox, etc). He is another aspect of Lucifer.
Nithryok ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 14:54:26 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
save me sen-pi!
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:12:45 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
[removed]
Tuberomix ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 21:03:16 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Some subtle advertising here.
Ryan_on_Mars ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 23:59:18 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I hear you get along well with the god of tech support. /sarcasm
GeminiK ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:35:54 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Do you hear prayers? Does Fuck you count as a prayer?
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:41:54 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
PC load letter? What the fuck does that mean??!
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:43:51 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
it means you need to load letter size paper brah.
NinjaDucky9 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:22:11 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
WHY!? Why do you always jam in the same 3 places?! AND they aren't even the places you're telling me to look!!!
What have I done to deserve this?!
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:26:42 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Meh, I'm bored.
ButtsexEurope ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:52:44 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
PC LOAD LETTER
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:48:55 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Just started a job doing print support (among other things). What shall I sacrifice to thee O' Lord to make thine vile demons behave?
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:52:10 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
A gallon of ink in each magenta, cyan, and yellow.
Pernic10us ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:50:42 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
...and require tithing in the form of ink purchases.
MrBloo1848 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 21:40:40 on September 10, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
PC_LOAD_LETTER?! The fuck does that mean?!
gnomeuser ยท 105 points ยท Posted at 16:06:56 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of smiting morons who play the same 20 shitty country songs, all day, every day at just the legal volume so as to drive people insane..
Unrelated, I hate my neighbors.
Ocean_Hair ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 17:39:12 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Do you preside over Reggaeton as well?
breakyourfac ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:52:07 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Bro....do you work at my job? because that's what I put up with every fucking day
gnomeuser ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 11:08:43 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Sadly no, they do this to me at my actual home. My office is in the backyard so my work day is.. Lovingly encumbered by stupid people every day.
They will literally turn on the music in the morning, then get in their cars and leave. Reportedly they started doing this to annoy a different neighbor who once complained to the police about noise at a party (on a weekday as I recall, at 3am). Hence every thing being just as annoying as they are legally allowed.
They are so driven to inflict this torture on their fellow man that last year when their stereo broke.. Instead of calling quits on the years of torment. They ran out first thing and bought a new one, setup it up and arrived late for work as a result (I admire their determination and sheer hatred for mankind.. Was it not for the fact that I am the unintended target).
Now the people they intend to annoy are out all day for work but I get to suffer instead. I'd complain, but we know what they did to the last people who made an entirely reasonable complain. I live in fear for what they might dream up for such an offense.
The end result is that I am subjected to what can best be described at torture. Slowly going insane with no recourse to grant me a measure of sweet relief.
Smite these morons with curiously accurate thunderbolts.
breakyourfac ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 13:53:48 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Honestly just do the same shit to them but with kanye
GoddessOfGoodness ยท 4363 points ยท Posted at 14:03:36 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
As per my username. I would be the Goddess of Goodness.
I make things pleasant, but not great.
Is your drink too warm? Pray to me and I will make it slightly below room temperature.
Traffic jam? I will make the traffic move, but still pretty slow and the other lane might be faster but you can't really tell.
I will be a kind and generous Goddess... well I'll be alright I guess.
goaliebw ยท 2860 points ยท Posted at 15:21:50 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
And then God said, everything will be just okay
toughbutworthit ยท 2279 points ยท Posted at 15:30:50 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
And lo, God looked out and saw that it was meh
poremetej ยท 860 points ยท Posted at 15:37:43 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
it was fine i guess
helly1223 ยท 355 points ยท Posted at 15:51:21 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Tell my wife i said.. Hello
Lumberjams ยท 33 points ยท Posted at 17:34:31 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I have no strong feelings whatsoever
blamb211 ยท 30 points ยท Posted at 18:49:55 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
All I know is my gut says maybe.
kidbeer ยท 22 points ยท Posted at 18:53:23 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I would rather take it than leave it, but if I had to leave it, I wouldn't mind all that much.
AntonChigurh33 ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 02:08:11 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I was in a heavy metal band called 'Animal' when I was younger. People either loved us or hated us. Or they thought we were ok.
raltyinferno ยท 14 points ยท Posted at 20:42:41 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
What makes a man go neutral?
AEWhole ยท 14 points ยท Posted at 21:05:32 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Nothing, or something. Definitely either one.
Saemika ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 18:48:24 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Sad....
DasJuden63 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 04:56:23 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
It will be done in a reasonable time.
Nope__Nope__Nope ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 23:27:27 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)*
deleted What is this?
LacidOnex ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 06:00:27 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I did it. I won the war. Tell my wife I didn't make it.
Silasco ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:03:11 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I did. And now I'll tell you. You sure pick really comfy beds
whizzer0 ยท 7 points ยท Posted at 15:58:13 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
little bit better now
culnaej ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 17:06:50 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
And the iMessage from the Heavenly Father read, "its k"
herzskins ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 17:07:14 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
It went.... okay.
Hubblesphere ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 19:03:44 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
It's pretty neat.
Bigtuna546 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:11:57 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
it went okay
poremetej ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:36:13 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
You just have ALL the fun
Gayburn_Wright ยท 22 points ยท Posted at 16:09:10 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
And lo, God looked out and shrugged.
itsnotallbadmom ยท 16 points ยท Posted at 16:22:25 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Eh..could be worse.
roboninja ยท 11 points ยท Posted at 16:44:20 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
That was Atlas.
Gayburn_Wright ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 16:45:10 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Actually it was me just now...
ImperatorTempus42 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:34:06 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Nope.
Pit-trout ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 18:01:15 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
And on the seventh day, God intended to get some housework done, but faffed around on the internet instead.
Thatzionoverthere ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 17:35:53 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Calling dibs on being the god of meh.
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 23:04:54 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
He sent his Mehssiah
Quizzical_Questions ยท 310 points ยท Posted at 15:46:55 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
And God saw that it was adequate.
Hand_ME_the_keys ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 22:42:21 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
And he rested. For, truth be told, he was quite lazy and things were not improving on adequate. Not on his brief watch.
meauxfaux ยท 7 points ยท Posted at 16:14:59 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
And at once he looked down, and at his right hand was Jesus, who was just alright.
hotbox4u ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 16:51:30 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
And then God said, everything will be just kinda okay on nearly everyday except for mondays. Because they really suck. And even gods have limits.
420_Towelie ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 16:42:01 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Boy should be like "It was well wicked man!"
[deleted] ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 17:10:00 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Bob Marley style?
RunnyBabbitRoy ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 20:15:34 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
That'd be an improvement
agrajagthemighty ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:13:56 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
And God looked, and He said "Well, that could've been a lot worse"
klattmose ยท 292 points ยท Posted at 15:22:23 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Thank Goodness!
SirPuffufuf ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 11:08:48 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
No
thank mr skeltal
Efpophis ยท 515 points ยท Posted at 15:58:56 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)*
Mercy is the mark of a great man ..
stab
I guess I'm just a good man ..
stab
I'm alright.
Xdivine ยท 24 points ยท Posted at 16:46:24 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
What happened to your left?
Efpophis ยท 42 points ยท Posted at 16:51:43 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Gorrham autocorrect.
[deleted] ยท 26 points ยท Posted at 16:57:55 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
You're all going to the special hell.
DrunkenRobot7 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 18:54:45 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Technically, "alright" isn't actually a real word. It's a misspelling of "all right" but many have just accepted "alright" as a new word with slightly different meaning, basically a shortened version that means ok/satisfactory.
So it's alright that you didn't use all right.
Efpophis ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 19:21:42 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The original was actually "all right," but I corrected it to "alright" because somehow I think the Captain would be more likely to use alright or just not give a fuck.
DrunkenRobot7 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 20:23:02 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Well it's all right then.
Leemage ยท 13 points ยท Posted at 18:17:21 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I just watched this episode! I got the reference!
Jourdy288 ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 21:34:07 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
In case anybody doesn't get the reference, it's from an episode of Firefly- Shindig, to be specific.
[deleted] ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 02:16:23 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Just think - somewhere there exists a universe where I'd have to ask you which season of Firefly that episode is from!
gallifreyrose ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 03:11:54 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
:(
IndifferentAnarchist ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 11:29:01 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Who are you, the god of depressing statements?
TheAdditiveIdentity ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 18:07:35 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
He cheated! Well, she cheated for him, or whatever.
klethra ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 19:41:53 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Oh man. I finally recognized a reference on Reddit. Of course it's Firefly...
[deleted] ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 22:38:15 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Captain Tightpants!
Rebel_Saint ยท 13 points ยท Posted at 15:45:12 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Mercy is the mark of a great
manGoddess.Beard_of_Valor ยท 13 points ยท Posted at 16:06:40 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
If you're looking for fast advancement this is a fantastic role. When any mid tier god is overwhelmed people will pray to you instead for some result instead of the ideal result. You'll become famous in no time.
HeyThereImMrMeeseeks ยท 9 points ยท Posted at 18:02:41 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
It's like being the RC Cola of gods.
ElVeritas ยท 10 points ยท Posted at 15:39:00 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
This is a God I can get behind.
mcc5159 ยท 7 points ยท Posted at 19:20:55 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I wouldn't get completely behind her... just slightly to the side.
SmashMetal ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 16:11:25 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I like it. Enough change to notice, but not little enough to warrant complaining. You keep everyone just about satisfied.
GoddessOfGoodness ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 18:43:51 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
It's how I live my life.
SilverarcTheJoker ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 15:54:03 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Oh, for Goodness sake!
[deleted] ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 16:39:18 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
the god of 'aight
TheMobHasSpoken ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 17:03:27 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I was tagging everybody here with their god/goddess name, but now I'm just confused! Help me, Goddess of Goodness!
GoddessOfGoodness ยท 13 points ยท Posted at 18:45:04 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Just tag it with "self titled". You'll understand for a little while, until you forget about this thread and it'll be confusing again.
TheMobHasSpoken ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 21:54:45 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Thanks, Goddess of Goodness! That's some fairly uncrappy advice.
Belgand ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 01:19:00 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Not great advice, but it gets the job done. Please accept my low-effort thanks.
Later tonight I'll burn you an offering of something in my fridge that probably hasn't gone bad. If I remember.
thebakergirl ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 17:25:10 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I'm always happy when things turn out 'just okay' as opposed to 'oh god this is the worst'. :) I like you already!
Kaibakura ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 20:29:29 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I knew you always had it in you.
Greatness?
No, something better. Goodness.
somuchsublime ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 16:24:11 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
this is the best one besides Poseidon's kiss
a4ng3l ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 17:09:09 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
That's borderline demoniac. That's the other team. Just saying...
abc123shutthefuckup ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 17:13:43 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I imagine you would have a large following of dogs
Practicaltheorist ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 17:18:49 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Mediocre!
Regu1us ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 17:19:57 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
So you make everything K?
Acidwits ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 17:36:18 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Ah-meh..
The_Almighty_Q ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 17:38:17 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Well, if we're basing this off Usernames...I'm a featured letter on Sesame Street 1/26 times.
RelevantComics ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 18:02:59 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Gods got us, I think we'll be alright
mycannonsing ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 18:04:52 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I would be the mortal that persues you to be my wife.
And I would succeed.
BuncjoVilla ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 18:10:22 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Well please tell the lady that did the job before you that I thank her for the blessings of an even life she bestowed on me. And I wanted to say hello and let you know that I've been praying to this goddess since I was in preschool. All my wishes are yours. (Literally. I've wished the same thing since I can remember, and it always comes true)
Kaszana999 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 18:23:06 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
/r/retiredusername
[deleted] ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 18:24:42 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
He aight.
[deleted] ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 16:11:36 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
You will become my favorite god. If Buddha was a goddesz, its be you.
ImperatorTempus42 ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 19:33:47 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
There are female Buddhas.
[deleted] ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 20:06:10 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Indeed i know this, but none of the Buddhas are gods/goddesses, nor considered divine.
ImperatorTempus42 ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 00:51:18 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Well, what about the Bodhavista (I think I screwed that up)?
Neptune9825 ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 02:08:02 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Bodhavista was never a great operating system and is only fondly remembered because of the fuckfest that is Bodha8.1
ImperatorTempus42 ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 02:23:43 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
True. It's still better than the Buddrick cell phone, though. You know, the one with the overly long name?
spottedcat7 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:31:09 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I grok a goodness, yes.
spacemoses ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:01:02 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Just remember that slow internet is worse than no internet. Dont start a war as a lesser deity.
bass_n_treble ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:22:22 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
You'll ensure everyone has 1 notification on Facebook at all times.
Krade33 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 20:00:26 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
My family always says, "Better than it was," after finishing some work on the house. I think... I think that means we're giving thanks and praise to you.
Delaysmybelays ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 20:25:38 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I would be okay with this. Beats being promised perfection, and then disappointed later. Yes, i believe we all need moderate happiness, all praise the the goodess Meh.
Anouther ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 20:49:28 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The only god in this thread I might serve
pepperNlime4to0 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 22:03:25 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
At least you wouldn't have any extremist followers. Everyone would just be mildly interested by your doctrines.
Biochemicallynodiff ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 22:44:59 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I'm going to make and daily drink out of a holy coffee mug that says "WORLDS OKAYEST GOD"
baubaugo ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 23:43:01 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Is your evil twin Phil of Heck?
NiceGuyJoe ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:15:30 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
If I see my lane slowing down and the other lanes speeding up a bit, should I stay or change lanes? I don't want to be disloyal to my lane, but I also want to get there on time. I don't know which choice to make, help me!
lemonpjb ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:18:10 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
That's not goodness. That's mediocrity. You're goddess of doing a half ass job.
erasers047 ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 18:07:43 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I'm sorry, Kendrick Lamar is already the deity of Alright.
People shout his praises in the streets.
Edit for punctuation.
buyongmafanle ยท 294 points ยท Posted at 13:37:55 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Jeffrey the god of biscuits.
JayB127 ยท 122 points ยท Posted at 14:59:09 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
& Simon, the god of hairdos
whyspir ยท 12 points ยท Posted at 16:39:24 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Came here for these two. Was not disappointed.
MrFusionHER ยท 7 points ยท Posted at 20:56:48 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
was disappointing how low it was!
Ninjorico ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 16:49:22 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Eddie Izzard!
[deleted] ยท 10 points ยท Posted at 16:53:00 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
You're an Izzard, Eddie.
ParadoxInABox ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 20:27:03 on September 14, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Let us now sing hymn four hundred and ninety five, Dear God What On Earth is My Hairdo All About
epidemiologist ยท 19 points ยท Posted at 15:42:21 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I was so disappointed that this was not the top reply
elboltonero ยท 8 points ยท Posted at 15:53:49 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
It's really the only valid answer.
ais5174 ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 16:46:41 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Because it's just Jeff.
itz4mna ยท 9 points ยท Posted at 14:59:44 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
So you'll provide me with hobnobs if I praise you and curse me with Tesco Value rich tea if I sin?
EasyTigrr ยท 9 points ยท Posted at 18:00:02 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
It's Geoff.. And I'm sad I had to scroll this far for this reference :(
splooshcupcake ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 18:02:15 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Isn't jeff also the God of Vespas?
[deleted] ยท 7 points ยท Posted at 18:44:25 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Caio
Oh_Stylooo ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 15:53:45 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Do I pray to you for Tim Tams?
Sheeshomatic ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 18:17:16 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Came for this, thank you.
claireballoon ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 05:41:57 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Ahhh I knew I scrolled long enough I'd find this one :)
spoonerwilkins ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 21:22:14 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Any relation to Joffrey, god of dodgy pies?
cant_think_of_one_ ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 21:40:45 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Jeffrey is a fantastic name. Why aren't there any gods already called Jeffrey?
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 23:24:29 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Currently eating a pretty damn good cheese biscuit. Thanks Jeff.
swimfastalex ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:06:33 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Don't forget about James the God of Gravy. Must always worship Jeffery and James.
oorza ยท 446 points ยท Posted at 12:58:32 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Masturbating, what other choice is there? All of the other deities would laugh in my face as I ascended and quickly became the most worshiped and well-loved of all the Gods.
Nightkind ยท 905 points ยท Posted at 15:41:24 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
And you shall be called Spermes
HabseligkeitDerLiebe ยท 96 points ยท Posted at 17:06:26 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Testicles
werelock ยท 77 points ยท Posted at 17:17:45 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Can't forget the ladies - Orgasmus shall be his name. Actually... Shouldn't he be a hermaphrodite to cover both genders?
Edit: /u/oorza what do you have to say? Are you only for the guys and therefore Ejaculatus, or both genders and become the mighty Orgasmus? Hell, even Zeus would pray to you (while banging something you wouldn't believe)
HabseligkeitDerLiebe ยท 8 points ยท Posted at 18:20:20 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I was more about the Greek pantheon. Such the "-es" at the end. But if you're more about the Roman way of life you can have the "-us".
SmashHero_Swagkawaii ยท 7 points ยท Posted at 23:46:45 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
TOP 10 TIMES ZEUS FUCKED SOMETHING YOU WOULDN'T BELIEVE!!-Buzzfeed
[deleted] ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 02:55:51 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Huh, it would seem that Zeus did indeed fuck my couch...
werelock ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:00:12 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Oh gods above save us...
YnotZornberg ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 21:08:35 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Zeus fucked this
werelock ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 22:07:03 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Daaaamn that's nasty! Knowing Zeus, something was born of this union...
[deleted] ยท 9 points ยท Posted at 19:55:25 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Pronounced, Testa-cleese, for the people that don't realize how funny this is.
notasrelevant ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:47:24 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I definitely enjoyed it a bit more than the previous one. I hope it gets a ton more upvotes before this thread loses attention!
HabseligkeitDerLiebe ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:19:02 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Well, 77 upvotes are kind of alright. Thanks /u/GoddessofGoodness !
onascaleoffunto10 ยท 14 points ยท Posted at 19:18:12 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
or Jerxes
April_Fabb ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 17:55:37 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I can already see the icon: a dick with wings.
renegadetoast ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 18:04:46 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The god of bustin' nuts!
Assdolf_Shitler ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 18:35:35 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
busticus nuticus
NoWhammies10 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 03:30:18 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I thought Spermes was the god of busting nuts.
Nightkind ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 04:02:19 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Close enough.
BrainArrow ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 20:20:32 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
What about Selfus?
NinjaRobotPilot ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 22:02:36 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Call to him, and he shall come.
somethingfilthy ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 20:59:07 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The God of busting nuts.
MrDrumzOrz ยท 16 points ยท Posted at 15:46:12 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
"Heavenly Father, bless this wank..."
wander_colossi ยท 11 points ยท Posted at 15:33:08 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Sounds pretty close to the god Priapus. I'll wait while you do some Google image searching.
ImperatorTempus42 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:27:17 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I love that guy. Just goes to show we haven't changed much in terms of humor or sexual appetite as a species.
physicist300 ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 16:16:58 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
If you're the god of masturbating, you're going to have to descend after ascending. And then ascend again, etc.
Half-a-banana ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 15:33:23 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Damn, you were faster.
Capn_Fappn ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 15:39:44 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I guess that I would be an acolyte, then.
Not a God, but a Captaincy in the noble discipline.
PamLillianIsley ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 17:45:41 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I want to be the goddess of finding the perfect porn video/pic to masturbate to at first try. We could be similar to Aphrodite and Cupid.
oorza ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 17:48:54 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Our fable would be one of separation, for if the two of our powers were ever united, humans would never be able to reproduce again!
PamLillianIsley ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:30:16 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Only the pure and chosen ones would!
PaleFlyer ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 15:45:47 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Damn! Stole my idea...
quangry ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 17:13:57 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I was going to say this, but you beat me at it.
senorglory ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 18:03:56 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
no one admits to visiting your temple.
loopywolf ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 18:05:48 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Mastur-Aw, too slow
Punkeec ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:48:42 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Dearest god /u/oorza please don't let anyone walk in to my room right now.
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:45:40 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Wow, imagine that - to have a God who encourages masturbation and doesn't watch you do it, before flooding you with inexplicable guilt and reminding you that most of your dead relatives just watched too.
Still, I can't help but think it's a bit higher-skilled than an entry level position.
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 20:36:23 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Priapus has that covered already
TetonCharles ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 23:24:35 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The god of morning wood .. I'll be handing them off to you.
SplitArrow ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 23:55:58 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Mercury is already in charge of that. So not only have you now pissed off a god but major deity at that. You are brutally dismembered from your member.
dankukri ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:00:39 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Fun fact: Apollo taught Pan how to masturbate because he was lonely.
Ladofbanter ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:25:32 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I dub thee Jizzmus, God of Gods. Many curses on those false Gods who seek to ban your worship.
SultanofShit ยท 5251 points ยท Posted at 11:27:04 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of retrieving single socks from the Sock Dimension and putting them back in your washing.
I am become Jeff, returner of argyles
jhwhite ยท 2064 points ยท Posted at 13:40:56 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Could you have a word with your brothers in the biro and guitar pick dimensions and tell them to get a move on.
slowhand88 ยท 1605 points ยท Posted at 15:08:26 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
All my guitar picks have apparently transmuted into bobby pins. I can search my room all over and come up with zero guitar picks and like 30 bobby pins. Then I can do the same thing the very next day.
I'm a guy.
texmexdaysex ยท 276 points ยท Posted at 15:29:26 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I think your girlfriends are leaving those around. I really need a guitar
anowhat ยท 235 points ยท Posted at 16:18:50 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
As someone with a guitar... I really need to be attractive.
Panhandleforthecure ยท 12 points ยท Posted at 17:11:23 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
As someone with a guitar.... I really need to learn to play it.
lezred ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 18:30:12 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Same situation right here! I have a guitar and a bass!
Panhandleforthecure ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 22:41:16 on September 10, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
It's funny I know how to play the bass don't have one though
leastlol ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 19:42:51 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Reynad?
OMGjustin ยท 14 points ยท Posted at 17:02:01 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Nah bro, just learn to play wonderwall!
[deleted] ยท 7 points ยท Posted at 17:31:06 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)*
[removed]
cvkxhz ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 18:00:25 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
As someone who is apparently attractive and owns a guitar and has agoraphobia. Sigh... Oh well.
machetemike ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 17:45:12 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Just play Wonderwall. It'll be ok.
HonoraryStooge ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 18:43:16 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
As someone with a guitar that is attractive... I should really learn a song other than Wonderwall
DefectiveSpoon ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 19:23:08 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I'm glad your guitar is attractive at least.
HonoraryStooge ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 22:48:29 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The value of punctuation
mierjugomz ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 19:04:07 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Not always. Ed Sheeran.
jzzanthapuss ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 19:09:24 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
you don't need to be attractive, you already have a guitar
Zomplexx ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 20:47:55 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
As an unattractive guitar player, I feel your feels.
SquidRidingWizard ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 23:04:58 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Being both is pretty sweet.
[deleted] ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 23:51:06 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
As someone with a guitar who is attractive ... I really need to get better at talking with women.
AnxietyAttack2013 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 04:10:31 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
as a guitar...I really need a guitar player.
Benemon ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 17:58:02 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Anyone can play guitar, you won't be a nothing anymore.
ReservoirKat ยท 608 points ยท Posted at 15:48:02 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
We have this problem at my house. Our cats got into my container of hair ties and his box of guitar picks. Now we are locked in some strange, mildly annoying "Gift of the Magi" situation, where I end up finding picks when I look for hair ties, and he finds hair ties every time he looks for picks.
I'm sure our cats think its hilarious.
jerslan ยท 28 points ยท Posted at 17:08:55 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
"The humans have grown suspicious of our plans. Time to start sleeping on their heads so we might smother them as they slumber."
-- Your Cats
MaceOfBass ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 19:34:43 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)*
Read in this voice.
[deleted] ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 17:11:47 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
[deleted]
ReservoirKat ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 20:16:11 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I have been keeping an eye on them all since the incident. I've recouped the vast majority of my hair ties, and honestly it seems to me like they just liked to bat them around and play with them, cause I usually found them pawed under the couches or tables. I do appreciate the concern though! Kitty health is very important :)
boost_poop ยท 9 points ยท Posted at 16:44:12 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
+1 for "Gift of The Magi" reference!
morbosidad ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 13:50:24 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Read this as, "Our cat has got into my container of hair ties and his box of guitar picks" and then thought, "Her cat has guitar picks?"
NorthernerWuwu ยท 48 points ยท Posted at 15:34:20 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Groupies like souvenirs!
Kyotoshi ยท 1416 points ยท Posted at 15:36:11 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
This guy fucks
[deleted] ยท 451 points ยท Posted at 15:46:50 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Sick reference bro! Your references are out of control, everyone knows that.
[deleted] ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 17:29:41 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Umm.... So where do I go for cunnilingus101?
lezred ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 18:25:00 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Call your favorite lesbian.
[deleted] ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 17:59:00 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Craigslist.
LinoleumFairy ยท 32 points ยท Posted at 16:14:46 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Sick reference bro! Your references are out of control, everyone knows that.
[deleted] ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 16:19:26 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)*
[deleted]
KadentF ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:31:39 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Sick reference bro! Your references are out of control, everyone knows that.
Khaki_Steve ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 18:52:58 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Reference-ception
alexanderknox ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 20:22:42 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
relevant username
HowManyCaptains ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 21:41:06 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Sick reference, bro.
MyConBot ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 16:54:48 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
He is now the God of Reference
Relan_of_the_Light ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 19:04:39 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Keep slayin' boi.
[deleted] ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 19:40:34 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Using a reference to point out a reference. That's meta as fuck.
InfinityReality ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 17:56:59 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I fucking hate this copy paste reply (or maybe you even typed it out) it's so shitty, backhanded and sarcastic and it adds nothing to the conversation. Not like some of the other Reddit common comments, which might provoke a laugh or exhale through the nose, no, this one just leaves you annoyed and with a bad taste in your mouth. It's not even clever. Fuck you.
lezred ยท 9 points ยท Posted at 18:25:51 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
This.
[deleted] ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 17:59:40 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Because seeing the same reference ten times in the comments section of every post you click, is still hilarious. Chill out bro!
tdogg8 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 18:01:44 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I literally have no idea what the original reference was. People just assume everyone has seen everything they have.
elgrundle ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 18:06:05 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Silicon valley a tv shiw created by Mike Judge. Check it out its great
[deleted] ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 18:06:03 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I honestly don't either, yet as I've seen "this guy fucks" so often on various subreddits, I felt obligated to use my given meta reference.
SpookyLlama ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:05:44 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I fucking hate that guy.
_crackling ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:16:41 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Even DOCTORS!
breadscrap ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:30:04 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Sick reference bro! Your references are out of control, everyone knows that.
[deleted] ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 17:59:52 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Sick bro! Thanks.
Nickitydd ยท -2 points ยท Posted at 16:51:14 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
a reference to a reference
R
E
F
E
R
E
N
C
E
P
T
I
O
N
sib2972 ยท 21 points ยท Posted at 15:39:52 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I've been known to fuck myself
[deleted] ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 16:19:48 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)*
[deleted]
lezred ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:27:21 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I'd fuck me haaard!!!!!
EnaBoC ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 17:15:28 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Don't go on reddit for 4 hours and now I'm behind the times...what post is this referencing now? :(
Quazifuji ยท 7 points ยท Posted at 18:52:39 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Silicon Valley. You're actually a few months behind on this one, not 4 hours.
fallout52389 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 17:08:09 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Este muchacho coje
Mr__Bitches ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 18:28:56 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Which makes me doubt the validity. Everyone over-exaggerates, the 30 is probably like 3 his sister left when she passed out drunk on his futon after her 14th 21st birthday.
Blast338 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 20:19:21 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Or perhaps he just broke his arms.
mrRabblerouser ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 02:31:27 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Why else would he be looking for guitar picks, other than to play those sick panty dropping solos.
luckyvb ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 16:24:50 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Maybe he's just a dragqueen? Or one of only 5 women on the internet?
TheRealHanBrolo ยท -1 points ยท Posted at 16:48:31 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
So fucking meta
poptart2nd ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 18:57:06 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
No, just a reference. Learn what words mean before you use them.
TheRealHanBrolo ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 19:35:36 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Sorry forgot the /s
hamfraigaar ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 15:55:08 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Maybe you're trapped in a fallout game with a flawed spawn system
Nyrb ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 15:19:46 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Do you have a girlfriend/sister/female roommates?
Vexxinic ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 15:37:04 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
This guy fucks.
PBFT ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 16:22:32 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
That's Sally the Goddess of Bobby Pins. The legends say she ascended to Mount Olympus after losing all of her bobby pins and falling into a rage so great it could best even Zeus' temper. Her power is to transmute random objects into bobby pins in order to get revenge on the world.
nexx84 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 16:25:44 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
so some poor girl somewhere just wants her hair up and all she can find is plectrums .
DrDraculaConstantine ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 16:29:21 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Get rid of girlfriend. Problem solved.
OgmoJump ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 16:59:41 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Quit bragging.
auxiliary-character ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 17:10:21 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
If you can learn to pick with a bobby pin, you'll be set for life, though.
Et_tu__Brute ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 17:10:44 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Congrats, you slept with a bridesmaid one time and now your life is bobby pins.
just_redditing ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 17:11:49 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
You're concubines are stealing your picks and leaving their mark.
Highside79 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 17:24:53 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
That's actually the standard transaction of guitarists. You trade picks for pins, along with everything that entails.
AWakefieldTwin ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 17:43:33 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I have the opposite problem. I'm a woman, I search all over the house for bobby pins and hair ties, but instead find the little balls my dude uses for slingshots. He claims to only find the bobby pins/hair ties around the house.
There's some kind of conspiracy.
greyjackal ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 18:23:12 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I'm a guy and single, live alone etc (and with a shaved head in case anyone thinks of that explanation).
I moved into this flat 3 years ago. I'm still finding bobby pins from my landlord's girlfriend around the place. It's bizarre.
Waffles-McGee ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 18:48:55 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I think all your guitar picks are being transported through a black hole into my washing machine. I find so many in there.
They are all very clean if you would like them back
diggleblop ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 01:47:28 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I have a thing that sticks on the wall that holds picks for me, always one if i need it
ImaginaryEvents ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 16:01:08 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
They are known as false friends. And what is the final form?
It used to be safety pins --> coat hangers --> bicycles.
So now we have guitar picks --> bobby pins --> ????
Is it another species, or has this one mutated since Avram Davidson first described it in 1958?
32OrtonEdge32dh ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:14:56 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
that's not what a false friend is
ImaginaryEvents ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 16:29:44 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Well, in context it is correct.
[...]
"Or All The Seas With Oysters" (1958) Avram Davidson
It won the Hugo Award for Best Short Story in 1958.
Disclosurepz ยท -5 points ยท Posted at 15:38:40 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
You do not have a girlfriend, or a guitar, stop.
Voldemort_5 ยท 8 points ยท Posted at 15:45:18 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
"I have a fun, relevant thing I want to say"
"Literally stop being happy"
HammySamich ยท 21 points ยท Posted at 14:55:11 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
At least half of those picks are mine.
jped7382 ยท 7 points ยท Posted at 15:26:30 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
For those in the US, "Biro" is a pen made by "Bic".
CleansingFlame ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 16:08:06 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Nah, it's just a catchall term for ballpoint pens.
jped7382 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:45:04 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Thanks for the clarification. They are stolen just as often in the U.S. Along with lighters made by the same company called "Bic".
chainer3000 ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 15:45:54 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Would also appreciate a quick shout out to the God of hair ties, if they could be returned I really would love to get my GF to stop blaming me for whatever reason. Like I'm some sort of deviant hair scrunchie klepto
[deleted] ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 15:11:36 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)*
I don't have this issue, I made a pick myself and haven't lost one since.
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:41:16 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I did that for a while. I had several made from different hard woods, ebony, maple, walnut, etc. I had two bone picks I made as well. Still lost them.
My favorite current picks are the ones I got last Christmas and still have most of. They are the cheap Peavey Marvel picks, each has a picture of a Marvel superhero on it. I find the incredible hulk gives a great tone, but the punisher is my go to pick.
SargeMacLethal ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:11:12 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Oh my god, Ryan?...
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 22:07:22 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
No.....
hamfraigaar ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:54:24 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Yeah they're really fucked. There are several guitar picks I've never seen on my billboard. I'm a vocalist and sound engineer :/
nabit22 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:55:45 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
And could you tell brother bic I need a pen
Wham_Bam_Smash ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:56:04 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Right? I feel like the worst guitar player because I can never find a pick
Veggiedaniel ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:12:16 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I use that tiny 5th pocket in my jeans for my picks. I call that container The Artful Dodger.
Because it is My Little Pick-Pocket. Source: this guy Oliver Twists!
jiminthenorth ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:36:49 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The problem of biro loss has been solved, by the way. Do read on...
Veet Voojagig, was a quiet young student at the University of Maximeglon, who pursued a brilliant academic career studying ancient philology, transformational ethics and the wave harmonic theory of historical perception, and then, after a night of drinking Pan Galactic Gargle Blasters with Zaphod Beeblebrox, became increasingly obsessed with the problem of what had happened to all the biros he'd bought over the past few years.
There followed a long period of painstaking research during which he visited all the major centres of biro loss throughout the galaxy and eventually came up with a quaint little theory which caught the public imagination at the time. Somewhere in the cosmos, he said, along with all the planets inhabited by humanoids, reptiloids, fishoids, walking treeoids and superintelligent shades of the colour blue, there was also a planet entirely given over to biro life forms. And it was to this planet that unattended biros would make thier way, slipping away quietly through wormholes in space to a world where they knew they could enjoy a uniquely biroid lifestyle, responding to highly biro-orientated stimuli, and generally leading the biro equivalent of the good life.
And as theories go this was all very fine and pleasant until Veet Voojagig suddenly claimed to have found this planet, and to have worked there for a while driving a limousine for a family of cheap retractables, whereupon he was taken away, locked up, wrote a book, and was finally sent into tax exile, which is the usual fate reserved for those who are determined to make a fool of themselves in public.
When one day an expedition was sent to the spatial coordinates that Voojagig had claimed for this planet they discovered only a small asteroid inhabited by a solitary old man who claimed repeatedly that nothing was true, though he was later discovered to be lying.
There did however, remain the question of both the mysterious 60,000 Altairian dollars paid yearly into his Brantisvogan bank account, and of course Zaphod Beeblebrox's highly profitable second-hand biro business.
SunriseSurprise ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:38:20 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Also the pen dimension.
CJLocke ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:59:20 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I find that whenever I'm looking for a pick, I can't find one anywhere, but if I'm looking for literally any other object I find piles of picks everywhere.
apocalypsebaconstrip ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:35:43 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
And the flash/thumb drive god.
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:57:33 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
You ever drop one while playing and it somehow gets sucked into a magical portal?
ZeMoose ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:00:22 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Biros don't get sent to another dimension, just to another planet. There's some guy that claims he's found it, in fact.
vinnie_the_chin ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:00:59 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I found a guitar pick in the gym the other day. No idea how it got there.
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:44:36 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Also, the lighter God.
oginalh ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 20:17:01 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
As a parent throw in the pacifier dimension too. Hide-n-seek on fucking steroids with that shit.
allora_fair ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 22:52:38 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I am the god of guitars, pray to me regarding guitar or bass issues, or before a gig so that your show will run smoothly. An offering of a pack of slinkys will ensure that your strings don't break, no matter how many mad riffs you play, and that they will stay in tune, because that damn draft in the rehearsal room always makes your g-string eheheh sharp.
Those times your picks go missing? It's because you didn't meet my demands, mortal. Please me and you will retrieve your favourite tortex.
CMcFuckinD ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:34:08 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
And pens. Fucking pens. I buy pens for work, gone in a week...
MrTittyFingers ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:42:55 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Found a Brit
[deleted] ยท 416 points ยท Posted at 13:45:42 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I'd worship the fuck out of you.
I used to keep a bag with the singles, now it's a box.
ivebeenherelonger ยท 237 points ยท Posted at 14:14:23 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Just buy the same type of socks. Then you can pair the singles!!
[deleted] ยท 294 points ยท Posted at 14:32:10 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)*
[deleted]
theknightinthetardis ยท 60 points ยท Posted at 15:02:09 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
That's what I did. It makes finding socks at 5am when I need to get dressed for work so much easier.
[deleted] ยท 16 points ยท Posted at 15:42:43 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I've been in the US Army for 14 years, and because of this I have what seems like hundreds of OD Green socks in different shapes and sizes. I put them all in a drawer and just grab two random green socks. They all match color and that's all that's important.
Loken89 ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 16:27:58 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Until you get a brand new one mixed with an old, faded one and get called for a random weigh and tape...
TheMobHasSpoken ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:38:37 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
See, buying the same kinds of socks over and over again is key. I have two kids, a boy and a girl. My son has only white socks, so they all match. With my daughter, I got drawn into buying lots of different colors and designs and patterns. Every morning before school, we're frantically tearing apart her drawers, looking for two that look even vaguely similar...
ndpugs ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:57:31 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Or just wear sandals everywhere.
theknightinthetardis ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:24:45 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I can't wear those at work, unfortunately.
pissclamato ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:06:41 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
My friend said, "Your socks are two different colors."
I said "Yeah, but to me, they're the same, 'cause I go by thickness."
--Stephen Wright
--Michael Scott
Lesp00n ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 15:59:40 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
If only I could reach the point if not giving a shit. For me, it's the length, type of material, and snugness. I don't really care if the color/pattern matches, but it just feels wrong when they don't match. If one is loose and the other snug it drives me nuts all day long.
MrsMonitorMoniker ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 15:10:58 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
All well and good if they are the same thickness and size. Otherwise my feet would feel lopsided.
UnsinkableRubberDuck ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 15:21:52 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Totally. That's the only thing that I care about, as long as the socks sorta feel similar. And none of this wearing one knee-high and one crew cut. I also don't like those ankle socks. They always slip down my feet.
rawbdor ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 15:34:17 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I went into this bar and sat down next to a pretty girl. She looked at me and said, "You're wearing two different colored socks." I said, "Yeah, I know, but to me they're the same because I go by thickness."
panthera_tigress ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 15:51:50 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Mismatched socks are best socks. It's so much more fun!
mahtaliel ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 16:21:57 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I do this aswell. It also saves you from the trouble of matching them together after washing. Just put all of them in a drawer
orsonames ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 16:23:29 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I only care if they're different material or length. It feels too weird to have two different feelings on both of my feet.
lollerchopter ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 16:34:26 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Exactly. I rarely have the same socks on. It's kind of my silent 'fuck you' to neurotic uptight people that I have to work with every day.
AdamGeer ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 17:26:34 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
You savage
yumko ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 19:44:43 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
That's strange, your socks are hilarious.
Wulfsbane384 ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 21:39:20 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
You have the coolest feet in the history of footwear.
CaptainCroatia ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 00:05:49 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I HAVE THOSE SAME NINJA SOCKS. We are sockbrothers now.
UnsinkableRubberDuck ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 00:09:39 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I got mine from a redditgifts sock exchange :D
boss_ginger ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 00:56:26 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I'm enraged. Fuck your socks.
UnsinkableRubberDuck ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:35:47 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Fuck your socks, buddy!
Quiggles_the_duck ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 02:41:06 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Love the name. :)
DeepHorse ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 15:03:13 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Are you wearing pants though? I think that's an important factor.
UnsinkableRubberDuck ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 15:05:51 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Yes, pants. Pants that cover my socks. But I've done it when I'm not wearing pants, too.
DeepHorse ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 15:09:29 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
It was my understanding that dress socks were meant to be crazy and fun, to bring joy to your otherwise mundane day.
UnsinkableRubberDuck ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 15:11:39 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)*
I totally agree! Socks should be fun, just like Calvin wearing his favourite
supermanSpaceman Spiff underpants. It gives you a nice contentment all day.futurespice ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 07:51:47 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
As far as I can tell in Europe British people will occasionally wear bright yellow dress socks or something and everyone else will think they're nuts. Not really a thing elsewhere.
akaioi ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 15:34:04 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
But would you risk wearing a ninja sock on one foot and a pirate sock on another? Some things are simply not done!
UnsinkableRubberDuck ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 15:37:23 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I don't actually have any pirate socks ... But I'd be willing to risk it.
hamfraigaar ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 15:56:42 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Or just sort of similar socks. For everyday use I have only thin black socks and thick black wool socks for winter. My dress socks are important, so they don't go missing (they're also more colorful so they don't get trapped inside other black clothes)
cantadmittoposting ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 15:50:50 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
IT professional detected
UnsinkableRubberDuck ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 15:51:56 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Not even close.
GalacticQuack ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:51:09 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
My socks actually match today because they are new.. But I buy the same shape socks so it doesn't matter what socks I grab. They fit the same, but rarely look the same.
oderint-dum-metuant ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:05:38 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Id do that too but being a guy with mismatched socks everyone thinks your a scrub, poor, homeless and a loser. Girls do it and everyone thinks it's cute.
twincredible ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:08:45 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
PICS OR IT DIDN'T HAPPEN!!
Imbusyyoudick ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:18:15 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Still working as the person who knocks on doors to advise of bereavements?
Highside79 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:25:32 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
When you have socks that weird people think its just on-purpose that they don't match.
blamb211 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:33:27 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Pretty sure I'm wearing a mismatched pair right now. They're both Hanes, so that's close, but I'm pretty sure they weren't from the same pack, or even the same type.
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:37:04 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
But if you're wearing skulls with pink bows that means you're probably female. If you are, no one gives a shit because it's so much quirkier and cuter for a female to do it.
UnsinkableRubberDuck ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 23:40:00 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Yes, I'm a girl, but out of the wealth of things I could care about on a guy, what his socks are like doesn't even rate. He could wear my green & black socks with skulls wearing pink bows and I wouldn't care. As long as he wasn't obnoxious about it (or in general) I'd think it was funny and cute of him to wear interesting socks rather than boring ones.
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:56:01 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I agree with you, but not everyone thinks like you do. To me, it's only cute and funny until they reach a certain age. After a while, it probably won't be cute for either gender to wear mismatched socks.
UnsinkableRubberDuck ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:10:47 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Good thing I don't do it to be cute then, I just can't be bothered to care about whether or not my socks are matched.
LegalGryphon ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:39:15 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
But what if they don't fit exactly the same way, and one sits higher on your calf and you feel the difference all day [shudders]
UnsinkableRubberDuck ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:54:50 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I roll my socks down to just above my ankles anyways, I don't pull them up my calves.
NotThtPatrickStewart ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 20:05:43 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
This only works with socks that are really similar. Otherwise you just end up thinking about your feet way more than necessary all day.
B_bunnie ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 20:34:19 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
But sometimes you just can't be that kind of person. My middle sister and I wear crazy patterned socks because they are fun, but while it is nifty when you actually have a pair, give zero fucks about wearing mismatched socks. On the other hand, my oldest sister can't only NOT do that, but if she knows that WE are (even if it is completely concealed), she refuses to leave the house with us.
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 23:52:54 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I remember a similar thread to this last month where someone realized that people actually do notice/ care, especially in an office. It looks like you're a manchild
UnsinkableRubberDuck ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 23:57:05 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
If I worked in a highly professional atmosphere, then I would wear matching socks. I have done so in the past, and also when there's any chance of my socks being seen in such an environment. Otherwise, idgaf.
NSA_Chatbot ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:46:11 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
bruh
UnsinkableRubberDuck ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:56:21 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
You got a problem with my foot gloves?
NSA_Chatbot ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 20:24:39 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Nah bruh.
I'm calling you bruh cause we both bedeck our feet with some fuckin' rad socks.
Reprefuckingsent.
Zomplexx ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 20:47:34 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Mismatched socks on girls is cute though.
Sapje321 ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 09:06:38 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I do. It's really distressing to me to even see that picture. Can't stand mismatched socks. :(
nupanick ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 15:16:31 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
And have them inexplicably be different sizes even though your feet haven't changed?
BloodBride ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:05:27 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I don't buy the same type of socks.
I still pair the singles.
They match in the fact they're both socks.
No one's going to see the bastard things anyway.
Wemedge ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:06:23 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I pair mine by thickness.
senorglory ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:32:52 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Goldtoe, for the win.
BettiePhage ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:19:46 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
This is what I do. All of my socks (save for some cute novelty ones) are black old man socks with the gold toe arrows.
Oli-Baba ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:54:09 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Sad thing is: You wouldn't! Because you'd notice only the missing socks, not the returned ones.
StubbFX ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:52:39 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
A sock-box eh.
Shaysdays ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:21:47 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I saw a cute "Free Dobby" sign with a little clothesline under it for single socks to hang in a laundry room.
0rangutan ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 20:45:25 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
a bag? a box? I have a fucking drawer of loners
Patteswang ยท 163 points ยท Posted at 12:40:09 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Not fitting but still impressive.
kaas332 ยท 57 points ยท Posted at 13:58:54 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
He could be the one stealing the socks in the first place. Then he puts them back after he wiped his ass with them.
ivebeenherelonger ยท 83 points ยท Posted at 14:01:56 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The socks have been blessed!!
mrducky78 ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 15:04:46 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Ive seen titles like that before, they are generally parodies of "shit lord"
eg. fecal fuhrer, president poop, master faeces, shit sultan, etc
Stewbodies ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 17:35:05 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The lesser known song by Dire Straits.
No_name_Johnson ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:43:43 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Underrated Dire Straits song.
downtowneil ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:13:56 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
"The Sultan of Shit. The King of Crap. The Colossus of Chocolate. The Colossus of Chocolate. BABE POOP! The Great Brownbino"
Delsana ยท 10 points ยท Posted at 13:33:39 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
You must hate me, I'm missing so many socks.
SultanofShit ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 22:37:07 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I don't hate you. I want to receive my divine powers and shower you with socks and blessings.
Herpderp5002 ยท 10 points ยท Posted at 14:27:35 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
You sure? That name would make me think otherwise.
pipsdontsqueak ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 16:10:26 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
My name's Jeff
Polishious ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 16:22:35 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
My god this sounds like an Eddie Izzard joke!
Bootstrings ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 14:41:42 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I am Pajama Sam, Lord of Cheese & Crackers
slockley ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 15:24:10 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The position has been long vacant. Welcome to the pantheon!
PM_me_berries ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 15:25:30 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Jeff pls go
[deleted] ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 15:36:43 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
[deleted]
fuzzynyanko ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:27:14 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
For me, I started out not having much money, so some of my silverware was from the Dollar Tree
BradleySigma ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 15:46:14 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The problem would be people would find an odd sock in their washing, and think that they lost a sock, not gained one.
[deleted] ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 16:30:52 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I love when I lose one sock in the laundry, and then weeks later, my number of socks becomes even again. Did the missing sock return out of the dimension it slipped into, or did I lose another sock, coincidentally of the same type of the previously lost sock?
The world will never know.
masonryf ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 16:46:42 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The only god ive read that i would pray to in here, also i would build shrines, just insure my socks.
mistidoi ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 16:50:35 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Sultan of Shit isn't good enough for you?
tallquasi ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 17:03:01 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I had a stupid idea the other day about making a website along the lines of paperbackswap.com with some sophisticated photo recognition. You would take photos of all your unmatched socks and and it would let you request available mates be shipped to you, and mail out lone socks for sock credit.
Then I remembered that the shipping would likely be more than a new pair of socks. Still, good businesses have been made out of dumber ideas.
Intrepid_Ranconteur ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 17:10:14 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
What. The. Fuck.
My first thought was "idk the God of socks. Bestowing fresh new socks and missing socks"
How was this the top comment? How? I'm gonna quit my job now and spend my days walking the earth.
matthias7600 ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 17:13:04 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
That's hardly mundane. In fact, I would say it's the very definition of Godhood.
themilkyone ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 17:30:55 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Jeff and the argylenauts
glupingane ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 17:58:13 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
My band (more like guys I jam with) are in the process of writing about the creature that steals these socks. His name is Socktopus. He has the power to create interdimensional portals through washing machines to the sock dimension, which is where he takes the socks. I love how well what my band and I have already established fits with your comment.
splooshcupcake ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 17:58:54 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Eddie Izzard already deemed Jeff the God of Vespas.
Urf_Hates_You ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 21:22:54 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Actually Jeff is the Roman God of biscuits, along with Simon, the God of hairdos!
splooshcupcake ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 23:25:28 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Ah! Just looked up the bit. He's also the patron saint of dangerous driving. Here's your Vespa! Ciao.
xxbearillaxx ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 19:07:09 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I thought this was due to the rise in the cat and dog sock market trade of 2011...
sicyo ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 21:12:10 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
You're the parent of Sockbaby? Sock-savior to the sock people?
HowManyCaptains ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 21:42:13 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Reddit is really on this single sock hype train recently, eh?
bob_blah_bob ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 23:00:12 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Piggy backing off this, I'd be the god that puts tiny holes in the bottom of your socks that only grow 5 hours into a work day and now your foot sticks to the insole.
grimwoldthegrey ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 23:07:15 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
And lo, though he had searched the world over for his plectrum. And though he had totally just dropped it. The brightly coloured yellow plastic shape was ne'er to be seen again. For Jeff was cross with the bassist, for he had not leaned the damn chord progression even though he had ALL week to practice. And thus it was that bassists were condemned to fingerpick thence forth.
geekcroft ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 00:26:57 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Would literally kill the sock industry single handed.
Ex sock workers would refer to you as their demon and take your name in vain.
Many would then find themselves with excess cash from not buying socks and in return start spending money on more illicit habits such as drugs.
The world would slowly turn into a pit of heroin, meth and ket addicts turning the world into chaos and causing an apocalypse. The many who once cursed you would be shunned, becoming mad in their belief that the Armageddon was caused by you, and would start religious crusades to extinguish the plight that had befell the earth.
The U.K. Would still not legalise cannabis as we still live in the sixties though. cries
jeffbell ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 15:52:02 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Jeff explains the perils of socks
rtwpsom2 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 16:40:14 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
OP said low level, that right their is Olympian level godhood.
Onijness ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 19:04:49 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I've found so many other people's socks in my laundry... It's the damn lip between the door and the hull of the machine guys just figure it out so I don't have to own a continuously growing collection...
BranWendy ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 21:36:43 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
My first thought was to be the god of wet socks. Keep my followers clean and dry, torture my enemies with the unholy damp of a thousand wetnaps.
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:47:56 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
He said minor things not life changers.
TheMegaBenson ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:58:49 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Odd, I could've sworn I always lose them in the dryer.
BdAzMoFo ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:32:19 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
That is not God it is just quantum probability. Somewhere and at all times metasocks are created and destroyed but not in pairs.
this_is_balls ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:45:20 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
When you do things right, people won't be sure you've done anything at all.
12-Volt ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:48:42 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Of you rub the lost sock you can summon a butt genie...you are the Sultan of Shit after all.
PermBulk ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:23:59 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Thank Jeff, I found these socks!
IWantToBeAProducer ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 22:00:54 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Jeff, Returner of Argyles
2B
Creature - Human Demigod
1/1
When Jeff, Returner of Argyles enters the battlefield you may search your library for a sock card and put it into your hand.
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 22:46:17 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
[removed]
SultanofShit ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 22:55:14 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
So how can you empathise with people bereft of socks? Now excuse me rushing off, but I have thousands of worshippers standing around in one sock and counting on me.
Alan_Smithee_ ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:51:14 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Nice.
aah_real_monster ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:59:51 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
All hail Jeff!
BaltarstarGalactica ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:19:24 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
My cat already does that. Or at least she brings them to me, and I never know if they're from a dirty or clean pile. So they go back in the wash.
IrishTheHobbit ยท 648 points ยท Posted at 16:05:39 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Entry-Level Position you say? I wouldn't get the job, because it requires 5 years of experience.
CaptainGrandpa ยท 92 points ยท Posted at 17:09:55 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The god of getting hired out of an internship
myachizero ยท 12 points ยท Posted at 20:21:00 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Sorry, that's already mine.
I ascend in two years though, so someone may beat me to it.
AbeLincolnsFreckles ยท 18 points ยท Posted at 17:46:56 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
No joke, I saw a job posting for Lowe's hardware store that asked for 6 months' experience at Lowe's. The system is rigged against us.
Troggie42 ยท 10 points ยท Posted at 18:27:44 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Ah, you'd be the god of engineering!
Thom0 ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 20:39:58 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
In Pantheon related work specifically, but they don't do work experience or internships so good luck getting work experience.
cant_think_of_one_ ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 21:43:52 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
5 millennia. 5 years is work experience for immortals.
Rbajeah ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 18:43:33 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Then become Ted, from Accounting.
duderex88 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 19:44:32 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
So are you the god of life after college?
Chanel_DU ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 20:18:32 on September 11, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Ugh. Nailed it.
tastyratz ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 23:01:49 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
You must be the god of meta. Your chair is actually over there ->
swimfastalex ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:03:25 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Don't forget a graduate degree as well...
[deleted] ยท 572 points ยท Posted at 11:22:23 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The God of Toasters.
SUSAN_IS_A_BITCH ยท 642 points ยท Posted at 12:57:51 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)*
On a scale of Hestia to Hera, how pissed were you when people started destroying their toasters by turning them sideways to make grilled cheese?
Edit: Guys, please don't do this.
RedTheWolf ยท 231 points ยท Posted at 13:45:00 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
HERETICS!!
MungAmongUs ยท 8 points ยท Posted at 16:11:49 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Hestia Tocks!
Neospector ยท 13 points ยท Posted at 16:08:47 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
You can do that? I've made grilled cheese in a pan, in a toaster over, and in a microwave, but never in a toaster...
Rapier_and_Pwnard ยท 44 points ยท Posted at 16:24:33 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
No, you can't do it, that's the point. The cheese melts down and into the mechanism.
runningraleigh ยท 13 points ยท Posted at 16:38:06 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
There are actually two ways to do it successfully. One is with the grilled cheese toaster bags. The other is to only put cheese in the middle of your bread, turn the toaster sideways, and then cut the crust off once it's out. Both are fairly wasteful and sub-par to a cast iron pan anyways, IMO, but it can be done.
Qxzkjp ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 17:05:13 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
You'll still destroy the toaster of you use the second way, if it's made of plastic. Just in case anyone's thinking of trying it.
And even if the toaster is made of metal, it will be way too hot to touch on top.
runningraleigh ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 18:10:00 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Nah, that's where you make the third grilled cheese.
FredAsta1re ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:08:21 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Uhh pan? What's wrong with a grill, to, you know, grill the cheese?
TeslaIsAdorable ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 11:17:49 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
You can also use a waffle iron... basically a horizontal toaster with a pattern.
Railboy ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 20:53:39 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Turn the toaster on its side. Problem solved.
WulfTek ยท 10 points ยท Posted at 17:34:51 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Did I hear Hestia?
Neospector ยท 7 points ยท Posted at 17:43:51 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I, too, thought of best girl.
This_Land_Is_My_Land ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 00:37:04 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Hestia the Bestia. The big breasted loli.
KAWAIIDUKE ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:03:27 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I think you misspelled Saber there.
theniceguytroll ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 00:04:24 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
What is this from?
WulfTek ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 00:08:21 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Danmachi
BlackFenrir ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 10:36:09 on September 10, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Of course it's an adaptation of a novel. The ones that seem interesting always are. Goddammit.
This_Land_Is_My_Land ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 00:55:23 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
You can watch it on Crunchyroll. Is It Wrong to Try to Pick Up Girls in a Dungeon?
The English name is in what /u/WulfTek linked too, but most people who haven't visited the site don't notice that right away.
[deleted] ยท 39 points ยท Posted at 15:33:47 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)*
[deleted]
LambastingFrog ยท 10 points ยท Posted at 16:00:38 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Why wait? Elysian Fields is the brewpub owned by Elysian Brewery near the ball fields in Seattle. go there, get toasted sandwich and beer. REWARD!
Spun_Wook ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 16:13:12 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I just want an elysian sigil.
Lord_of_Mars ยท 7 points ยท Posted at 16:46:46 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Did that twice. First time: Toast on floor. Second time: "Crap, that can't be good for my toaster."
Now I use a pan like a sane person would.
helmet648 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 16:15:32 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
How in the hell would that make sense to anyone lol
[deleted] ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 16:19:21 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
On a serious note, does it actually work?
SaintsSinner ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:17:18 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I feel like putting cheese on the side of the bread facing up in both slots and then flipping one over and smashing them together would work just fine as long as you don't let any part of the cheese hang off the bread. I dunno.
ZoidbergMD ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 16:37:46 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
That's a fucking melt.
SerMerynTrance ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 17:11:40 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Sweet reference, have an upvote
brennaisafreak ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 21:41:54 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I did this one time and started a small house fire. Obviously the Toaster God took great offense. But on the bright side, I now have a toaster that's super fancy with bagel slots and settings for specific foods.
Cyberslasher ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 22:52:09 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Wouldn't Hephaestus have been the most angry about someone ruining toasters though?
SUSAN_IS_A_BITCH ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 23:22:24 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Yeah, I think you're right, I was just referring to how batshit Hera could get. I mean they could all get batshit, but she always seemed the battiest.
Stew_Perkins ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:29:42 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
No goats here, Susan.
ledivin ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:38:54 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
wat
People do this? How fucking thin are their grilled cheeses that they can fit in what is ordinarily 1-slice wide/high?
Suicidal_Ferret ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:57:44 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
That's what I've been doing wrong this whole time!
CharlesDickensABox ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:37:40 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
You can do that!?!?!? BRB
sudowned ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:43:41 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I... this works?
brb
HostOrganism ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 19:05:14 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
No. This kills the toaster.
radikalkarrot ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:34:22 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
That's a herecheese
ReadOutOfContext ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 22:01:05 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)*
you assholes toaster lives matter!
/r/ToasterRights
ArtemisEntreri3 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 22:34:51 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I mean I used to make grilled cheese in the toaster by really squishing the edges of the bread together and putting it in like normal toast. No problems for me.
DiscoCaine ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 17:15:19 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Holy shit. Holy shit. Holy shit. I've never thought of this. Wow. My mind is blown. Just wow.
FinAdartse ยท 115 points ยท Posted at 13:58:09 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Do you look like Caprica Six?
FragmentOfBrilliance ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 15:33:31 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
She was only an angel, to be fair
SemiFormalJesus ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 15:50:17 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I'd worship that.
[deleted] ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 20:10:16 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
No....she looks like me....on a fri night.
Erlox ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:36:57 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Or any of the sixes really, that's kind of the point. You don't need to specify caprica when talking about looks
[deleted] ยท 18 points ยท Posted at 13:35:52 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Found you! Finally!
Lawsoffire ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 15:12:29 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Did you make me, SCP-426?
Diclonius_Angel ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 16:18:53 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
You're evil. You killed everyone on the 12 Colonies of Kobol....
And nearly killed my PCs in the tabletop RPG I'm running.
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 20:08:14 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I never wanted to be good...just a God.
kawaiiChiimera ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 16:19:51 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
"A TOASTER IS JUST A DEATH RAY WITH A SMALLER POWER SUPPLY!"
Kichigai ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 16:26:18 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Does that mean Lister is going to hell because of the Talkie Toaster incident?
[deleted] ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 20:06:47 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Lister will never go to Hell. He can do no wrong.
SlitScan ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 02:41:12 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
he's going to Fiji, definitely
Kichigai ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 20:08:56 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
All praise Cloister the Stupid.
Halfpasthammer ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 16:57:21 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
/r/toasterrights
[deleted] ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 20:04:37 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
So....there really is a subreddit for everything.
Dumaresq ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 16:33:12 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
This just reminds me of red dwarf. "would you like any toast?!"
sinRes ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 19:16:10 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Isn't that spot aldready taken by that Jesus guy that keeps showing up in peoples toast?
[deleted] ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 20:02:49 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Nah...He's the god of the toasted.
sinRes ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 20:38:09 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Toasty!
zenspeed ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 00:20:20 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
What about death rays?
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:15:49 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
They'd shine from between my chrome buttocks.
corndoggy67 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:13:40 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Please omnipotent toaster god...allow my eggo waffle to not burned and also not frozen in the middle. In return i will clean my crumb catch more than once a year.
alienrated ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:29:03 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Is it your image I found on a piece of toast the other day?
wolfiesrule ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:34:00 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Your hymn.
skizfrenik_syco ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:35:52 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
What did I do to piss you off enough to burn my Poptarts last week?
batquux ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:44:34 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
That is some serious shit. Not entry-level at all.
shadmere ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:45:02 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
/r/toasterovenmasterrace/ welcomes you to your true home.
csl512 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:06:33 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Godsdammit.
duckjr78 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:54:40 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I feel like Eddie Izzard's Simon the God of Hairdoo's and Jeff the God of Biscuits would be reasonable choices as well!
warface363 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:28:39 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
So you are the deity of at least one person in the lobby on an online game who takes a year to load?
justarandomgeek ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 20:44:19 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
So say we all?
kj4ezj ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 22:26:47 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Does this include toaster ovens? Because my toaster oven is my best kitchen appliance by far....
mlkelty ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 22:46:26 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Frak that.
ICrimsonI ยท 944 points ยท Posted at 14:36:06 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of Mechanical Keyboards.
PRAISE ME, FOR I DELIVER YOUR CLICKITY CLACKITY SOUNDS.
Pretagonist ยท 57 points ยท Posted at 16:10:57 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I would be the god of mistype. Every badly speld comment on the Internet would be a silent prayer to my greatness. The amount of pray-energy collected would quickly propell me to the highest echelon of the gods.
Also I wouldn't have to proofread anything ever again.
LifeWulf ยท 26 points ยท Posted at 17:18:42 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Hey, one of your followers has to do that, that doesn't count!
Pretagonist ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 18:48:44 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Wjat are you? Some kind of God auditor?
I have you know that I'm good friends with the god of the misplaced dot and he has driven auditors mad for generations!
LifeWulf ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 18:50:38 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)*
The period?
Edit: Just saw the "Wjat" (stupid brain skimming over the very first word). Well played.
DaSaw ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 20:56:02 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Decimal point.
[deleted] ยท 29 points ยท Posted at 15:57:44 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)*
[deleted]
trainiac12 ยท 19 points ยท Posted at 16:43:10 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
dear god why greens?
Awildbadusername ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 23:38:18 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
So I can rest my fingers on the keys without them actuating. Plus the clicking is nice
DragonDai ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 19:42:00 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Why doesn't this exist? Holy hell I'd give...uhm...well not my right arm...I need that for the keyboard...but I'd give something for an RGB-backlit Green...
Beleynn ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 19:53:26 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Agreed. I have a Corsair K95 RGB-backlit with Blue switches, but Green would be better. Apparently we're a small minority - there aren't many keyboards out there with Greens
DragonDai ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 20:56:32 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I use blues as well currently, but yeah...wish I could get greens...
Speaking of the K95, how you liking that? I need a new keyboard, and I was thinking of getting that one...
EDIT: OH...boo...nevermind. Newegg, where I has keyboard money, doesn't sell the RGB 95 with Blue switches...only red and brown...yuck...
Beleynn ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 22:12:41 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The K95 is amazing. I sometimes accidentally hit F11 or F12 when trying to hit backspace, but i've only had it for a week, so I'm sure I'll adjust.
If you can't shop directly from Corsair (where I got mine), just keep an eye out. Apparently they briefly discontinued the K95 in blue due to low demand, then brought it back due to... customer demand. So just keep an eye out - it may reappear.
DragonDai ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 22:24:00 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Cool! Thanks!
Deus_Viator ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:47:57 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Are you having any issues with the backlights on certain keys dying? Had mine for about 6 months and lost 5 keys already.
Beleynn ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 08:56:01 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
No, but I've only had it for two weeks.
Nogginboink ยท 11 points ยท Posted at 16:37:05 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I just disassembled my IBM keyboard to give it a long overdue cleaning. I think I put some of the springs for the bigger keys in the wrong holes and it doesn't work like it used to. I'll take it apart again and pray to you as I reassemble it.
TastyBrainMeats ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 16:54:04 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
How many sacrifices would I have to make to get one of those really damn cool steampunk-y keyboards with all the brass and wood?
trenzafeeds ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 17:06:07 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
It pray to /u/datamancer if I were you
Sinjun13 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:18:52 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I'm confused... http://makezine.com/2013/11/25/the-maker-movement-loses-its-datamancer/
trenzafeeds ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 00:45:54 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I believe that account is for the company, which is a group of people.
Sinjun13 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:01:12 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Ah, didn't realize. Thank you.
z3rp ยท 13 points ยท Posted at 16:10:22 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
ใฝเผผเบูอเบเผฝ๏พ clackity or riot ใฝเผผเบูอเบเผฝ๏พ
mmf9194 ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 17:40:04 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Raise ur dongers
Two-Tone- ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 19:17:15 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
raise your switches
eratoast ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 16:22:11 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
PRAISE BE UNTO /u/ICrimsonI
Dascandy ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 17:03:20 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Guess I prayed to you, because when my co-workers were complaining you delivered to me a new colleague who also bought one.
Reinmaker ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:04:27 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I bet that was a glorious moment.
I want to bring my MX blue's to work so bad...
fuzzynyanko ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 16:39:19 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Not enough ergo mechanical keyboards that don't have some weird layouts
ChazCliffhanger ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 16:58:30 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Those are so satisfying when they click.
Cockatoo010 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 17:15:01 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Shall I sacrifice Cherry MX blue switches to you?
Razlyk ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 17:34:01 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of "I have roommates and a clickity clackity keyboard that keeps them up at night."
goblinpiledriver ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 22:19:55 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I lost so many hours of sleep my senior year due to this
My roommate's keyboard was the loudest keyboard I had ever heard
Lenoriou ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 20:04:02 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I am sorry, that position belongs to /u/ripster55
treefroog ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 21:17:22 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Hey.... You aren't /u/ripster55
xakeridi ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:57:58 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I am a devote follower! My Model M was made in 1989.
jimenycr1cket ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:59:01 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Scarra?
BlazeTTD ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:11:33 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Once you clack you never go back.
doughnut_seed ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:12:17 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Sounds like cpg grey here
Psykodamber ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:38:15 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Do you even mechanical
genivae ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:41:34 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
If I pray to you hard enough, can I get that delicious tactile feedback, without the migraine-aggravating sound?
spurious_access ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:14:06 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Hey, you're not ripster! Down with the false god!
Dudemanbrosirguy ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:17:13 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I sacrifice this Cherry MX Red! May our clicks be heard, and our clacks be silenced!
AbsoluteContingency ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:21:21 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
What have I done to upset you, as the 8, i, k, and , keys do not work on my laptop?
Krono5_8666V8 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:49:52 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
DOES MY MODEL M PLEASE YOU LORD!? MY LIFE FOR THE CAUSE!
SargeMacLethal ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:24:21 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
More like god of "I'm going to kick you from the fucking Skype call if you don't stop typing with that god damn Corsair."
FalseAD ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 21:05:01 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I AM THE PREIST OF YOUR TEACHINGS
BipedSnowman ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 21:56:46 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
PRAISE HIM
Scrambo91 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:01:13 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
๐๐ฝ๐๐ฝ๐๐ฝ shineth thine light upon me. That I might bask in the clickity clickity clack of your gracious gift.
SexyR63VinylScratch ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:35:07 on September 10, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Pretty sure Ripster has that covered already...
Zarqueth ยท 2923 points ยท Posted at 13:17:20 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)*
I would be.....The one and only.... RNGESUS. BEG BEFORE ME PEASENTS AND I WILL BESTOW THOU WITH RNG.
Edit 1: Thanks for the gold you have been blessed with Rng.
Edit 2: Thanks for the gold you have been blessed with Rng. May thou get a legendary on thous next try.
mortiphago ยท 630 points ยท Posted at 15:09:00 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
WHY WON'T YOU DROP ALL 6 SET PIECES YOU CUNT
CarbonCreed ยท 457 points ยท Posted at 15:46:15 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)*
Hey so this sounds weird but like 2 years ago I tagged you after you made this comment and ever since then whenever I see you post a comment I am reminded of that day, and I feel like I can't just untag you without letting you know that I had been stalking you for the past two years. Anyway, that gives me closure, gonna untag you, you know, now, after all this time.
mortiphago ยท 60 points ยท Posted at 17:49:48 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Any time now
Subbbie ยท 7 points ยท Posted at 20:17:06 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
You ought to get a job at EA sports, you'd fit right in! :D
mortiphago ยท 10 points ยท Posted at 21:04:35 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I was thinking more along the lines of valve time
One_more_page ยท 20 points ยท Posted at 16:24:44 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Did op deliver 1 year and 10 months ago?
buckshot307 ยท 30 points ยท Posted at 17:15:07 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
You mean 2 years and a couple weeks? What time zone are you in..
One_more_page ยท 13 points ยท Posted at 18:02:55 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I just went by that the post here says 2 years and the linked post says two weeks. 2 years minus 2 months is 1 year and ten months.
Cryse_XIII ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 19:05:25 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I don't see a LOL html client
Qorgi ยท 9 points ยท Posted at 16:41:40 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
So uh, where's that client at?
TGameCo ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 16:22:03 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
And he never delivered.
M1664H ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 16:29:51 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
เฒ _เฒ
yodasmiles ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 19:28:23 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
2 years! I feel like part of the drama now. So did he come through or what?
CarbonCreed ยท 7 points ยท Posted at 19:47:12 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Sadly, no. In fact, not even the game company we were making fun of for postponing the release of that feature has. Holy shit.
RancidRock ยท 8 points ยท Posted at 16:14:13 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
That's kinda weird bro.
[deleted] ยท 9 points ยท Posted at 16:27:42 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Not really. Pointless for sure though.
PBFT ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 16:30:22 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Aw, now kiss.
PixelOrange ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 20:06:33 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
That was such a sweet tale, too bad you fucked it up right at the end.
PhobetorWorse ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 22:19:09 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
awkward
Odgnob ยท -2 points ยท Posted at 16:32:32 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Ay
entityknownevil ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 08:27:02 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
y lmao
pm_me_nudes_or_feet ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 19:30:29 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Lien
pipboy_warrior ยท 17 points ยท Posted at 15:59:47 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
But behold, you have 3 of the pants already, and Kanai's Cube can randomly turn one of your extras in the set into something different of the same set!
BolognaTime ยท 13 points ยท Posted at 16:08:10 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Oh, an unidentified set belt just dropped?
LOL BLACKTHORNE'S.
Such is the will of RNGesus.
RancidRock ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:15:38 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
200 shards, 4 blues and 4 blackthorns legs. Fuck kadala.
BolognaTime ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 16:21:48 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The pain of burning through a few hundred Death's Breaths upgrading rares to get Gungdo Gear, only to end up with enough of these monstrosities to choke a large whale.
RNGesus, you're a dick.
UpboatOrNoBoat ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:45:30 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Oh shit set bracers/belt?! K R E L M S B A B Y
RancidRock ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:31:11 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
RNG goes to the best and worst with me.
2 Ancient Furnaces, full Ulianas, Flying Dragon, and 3 Rama Gifts in 2 days.
Well that's all fine and good but I want Shenlong Fists. Yeah tough shit.
Week later I give up and start using Uli set, only to get 3 pairs of shen fists in a day. What the hell man.
UpboatOrNoBoat ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:46:15 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Shen's fist is easiest for me, just upgrade rare fist weapons and you'll get a shitload.
My problem is I can't fucking farm Death's Breaths efficiently without sage's
RancidRock ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 20:02:09 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)*
This is my current build for GR's (Not got everything I want yet)
http://eu.battle.net/d3/en/profile/Chaz-2770/hero/65429417
Swap the boots and helm for Sages, change whatever ring you feel to a RoRG and you have yourself a strong generator build.
If you take out 2 pieces of Raiment and put 2 Uli in, you get the same strength Generator build, but without the 4pc dashing of Raiment, and you instead gain the EP proc which just blows everything up.
It's not as good as In-geom (I've only ever had one, late last season) but it'll get by just fine in T7 which is where it's best to farm anyway.
EDIT: Why do you try to farm without Sages? They're a craftable and it's double drops which means T7 is like guaranteed double drop every time.
UpboatOrNoBoat ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:17:50 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I've literally done like 100+ caches and killed like 50 green goblins and not gotten the sage's set yet. Not sure wtf is going on.
RancidRock ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 07:13:40 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Oh yeah, crap, it's a craftable but you need the plan first. Sorry man I didn't think.
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:27:27 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
If only WoW had the luxury of a cube. I used to haul around six mythic set gloves and still didn't have any set shoulders...
mortiphago ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:51:51 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Except for 2 pieces sets, because fuck you and having two Focus
KingKhezu ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 16:20:11 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Use the new Upgrade Rare feature and leave RNGsus behind :P
Redarmy1917 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:13:08 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
You still need RNGsus! I had to upgrade roughly 40 Diabo's for my torch (SWK build). I did get like 12 Flying Dragons, 3 of which were ancient so that was sweet. But after getting you're 15th Staff of Kyro or 5th Paddle you start thinking stuff like "Maybe RNGsus doesn't exist? Maybe Torch was removed from the game."
mortiphago ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:52:40 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Need more death breath. Like a lot more
quantumturnip ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 15:43:34 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Only 6? What game are you playing? Everything I play needs like 8.
pilstrom ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 16:00:42 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Diablo 3 (i assume)
mortiphago ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:49:00 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Correct
RancidRock ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 16:14:49 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Dude, just use the Cube.
Swiftarm ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 18:11:24 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
RNGesus giveth, and RNGesus taketh away
logarithmyk ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:21:14 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Because I'd prefer to just drop 6 of the same sets for the least amount of classes making up your raid.
scloutkst2889 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 22:13:10 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Exactly why I stopped playing d3
fleeflicker ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 23:23:36 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I drop 100 Wirts Bells on the floor and praise Wirt the RNG god. Wirt has blessed me with 6 set Immortal Kings, 4 of them ancient and a solid gavel of judgement. Praise be to Wirt.
ebsoryn ยท 354 points ยท Posted at 13:43:20 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
But RNGESUS, will thou bless me with great RNG or just RNG?
Subbrick ยท 775 points ยท Posted at 14:25:14 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Whether it is good RNG or bad RNG is determined randomly!
Such is the will of RNGesus.
BozzCL ยท 18 points ยท Posted at 15:37:43 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I could have used you earlier, I soft-reset for my shiny Rayquaza and got a good build. Not great, just good.
Re_Re_Think ยท 11 points ยท Posted at 16:06:07 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
This exchange is SO close to being an Oglaf strip, all it requires now is the stripping part.
[deleted] ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 16:01:28 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
But not actually randomly, and the great engine of RNG will have streak-breakers, so the inevitable bad streak doesn't go on so long you start to doubt his benevolent randomness.
[deleted] ยท 7 points ยท Posted at 16:25:08 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
So you're saying it will be in every way completely indistinguishable from actual randomness?
Flashbunny ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 17:14:05 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Actually, true randomness can be rather given to "streaks".
[deleted] ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 20:08:57 on September 10, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
[deleted]
Flashbunny ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 21:15:52 on September 10, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Putting aside the fact you're replying to a comment 2 days old, I was reffering to the Clustering Illusion, where people underestimate the streakiness of random distributions.
groovy_ash ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 16:22:59 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Your username is offensive...
[deleted] ยท 7 points ยท Posted at 16:26:24 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Hey man, it's our word. We have the right to use it.
groovy_ash ยท 7 points ยท Posted at 16:29:26 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Fucking traflorkians man
Anjunabeast ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:15:19 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I read this in professor farnsworth voice
[deleted] ยท 14 points ยท Posted at 15:47:58 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Our RNGesus which art in a server, Hallowed be thy algorithm.
Thy randomness come, Thy will be done in Azeroth, and in Gielinor.
Give us this day our daily drops.
And forgive us our cursing, as we forgive our scammers.
And lead us not into losses, but deliver us to profit:
For thine is the randomness, and the luck, and the odds, for ever.
Amen.
telehax ยท 159 points ยท Posted at 14:38:12 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Um position's already taken. https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Fortuna
TastyBrainMeats ยท 117 points ยท Posted at 14:43:22 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Could be a subsidiary god under her.
DigitalRazor ยท 73 points ยท Posted at 15:32:16 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
intern of the gods
TastyBrainMeats ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 16:00:07 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Hey, Apollo had Helios, Eos and Selene. There's plenty of precedent.
DiffDoffDoppleganger ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:56:31 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
That's the guy in charge of Poseidon's kisses
nomenMei ยท 16 points ยท Posted at 16:02:54 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
yeah, RNGesus is actually the god of psuedo-random number generators. Which seems like kind of a downgrade, but when you take the world as it is now RNGesus has significantly more influence than TRNGesus
Blackpixels ยท 7 points ยท Posted at 16:08:22 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Only works for games.
mm11wils ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 22:39:20 on October 22, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
called pseudo-fortuna
Tasgall ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:44:52 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
O, Fortuna.
Ribo19 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 07:53:49 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
He could be the god of randomly generated numbers
CharlesDickensABox ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:21:41 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Oh, Fortuna!
thehumblenachos ยท 745 points ยท Posted at 14:14:37 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Lol. My Wow guild is actually called PraizRNGeezus. We pray to you before every boss and before we loot.
s133zy ยท 252 points ยท Posted at 15:52:05 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
RNGesus grants you exactly what you want, just not always to you.
Praise him for the 5 warglaives i got, when all i wanted was the shield.. ((I swear to god, 26 kills and i saw 2 shields))
[deleted] ยท 58 points ยท Posted at 16:19:25 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
And not always this week. But maybe next time.
s133zy ยท 71 points ยท Posted at 16:29:11 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
the will of RNGesus states: "Today or tomorrow, or both of those days, or not"
Moltk ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 21:40:07 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The will of RNGesus also states "the chances of you getting what you want is exactly 50/50. It either happens or it won't."
wasteoffire ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 17:14:16 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
2 shields per 26 kills is pretty good rate actually
Ketherah ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 21:34:48 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Lei Shen's warlock trinket was pretty much necessary to kick ass in ToT (it became insane in SOO). I coined every single chance I could, LFR & Normals. I finally got it in normal mode THE WEEK IT WAS NERFED.
I rage quit wow.
GandalfTheGrey1991 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:46:36 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Thanks for the awesome looking gun...too bad I'm a lock and can't use it!
Hey look, that's an awesome set of pants. Oh, mail. :(
Nastye ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:45:18 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
22 kills until I had my Glaives. I then proceeded to use them to farm Shadowfrost Shards. Literally the last thing I did in WoW before it became too boring (and I got banned till November cough)
vindecima ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 18:04:13 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Ah, hmm. We emote salad tossing on one of our death knights to pray for warforged and sockets. I also believe the term "elbow-deep" was uttered last night.
show-me-your-puppy ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:32:43 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I should have been praying to RNGesus for Rag to drop his Eye instead of trying to /e poke it out.
pilstrom ยท 45 points ยท Posted at 15:59:14 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
RNGESUS is NOT an entry level god. He's like.... Right up there with the deities of bountiful crops and mild winters. You know, mid-level pagans.
KingToasty ยท 15 points ยท Posted at 15:26:12 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I got 6 Gjallarhorns in two weeks, but didn't get the Mythoclast until last month. I think I fucked up my rituals.
Metroplex7 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:52:09 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I pray to RNGesus every day and still don't have a Hawkmoon to call my own :(
RelevantComics ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:04:19 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I haven't either, but I'm a xbox player.
_dontreadthis ยท 8 points ยท Posted at 15:44:03 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
That's not a minor God role though. RNGesus already has millions of worshippers.
ace-of-fire ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 15:43:50 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Just one goddamn rath ruby
cfedey ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 19:52:06 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
No no no, you're confusing RNGesus with /u/TheDesireSensor. You need to pray to him for all MH-related inquiries.
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:42:25 on September 10, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I work alongside RNGesus to ensure we never forget a hunter, plus, who do you think controls my drops?
Me RNGesus and Poogie all work together to control Item drops and we all control each others item drops.
PrivatePatty ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:03:34 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Mine was a single teostra gem last night. Now if the desire sensor will bless me with allfire stones I will be happy.
stopthemeyham ยท 7 points ยท Posted at 15:51:18 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Hey everyone get in here!
aboutaweeekagooo ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:56:37 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
PILE ON!
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 20:19:39 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
There is 0 RNG required for patron decks
stopthemeyham ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 20:33:06 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Found the salty guy.
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 20:44:23 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
SO SALTY
NymN_ ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 23:42:27 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Well not on board but what about draw order and starting hand?
ClashmanTheDupe ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 15:52:39 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
GIVE ME A GOOD LOST RUN RNGESUS
minercrafter2 ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 23:11:01 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
One_more_page ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 16:22:52 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Clearly you misunderstood the question. This is the thread for minor and entry level gods. Not gods of great power and sway over my life.
faatiydut ยท 83 points ยท Posted at 14:22:30 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Hearthstone just went from a game to a cult
ModMarkOgilvie ยท 127 points ยท Posted at 14:37:31 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Theres more games that use RNG...
Olakola ยท 17 points ยท Posted at 15:56:35 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
There's a game that doesn't use RNG?
ModMarkOgilvie ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 16:02:47 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Boardgames
HeyYouMad ยท 40 points ยท Posted at 16:04:00 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Dice rolls?
Pure RNG.
ModMarkOgilvie ยท 11 points ยท Posted at 16:06:35 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Not every board game requires dice rolls
Cuddlebear1018 ยท 11 points ยท Posted at 16:18:58 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Might be able to argue that card shuffling counts as RNG. Any board games that don't have any randomness at all? I can't think of any but I haven't really gotten into tabletop games
Wolfszeit ยท 24 points ยท Posted at 16:37:08 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Chess.
torturousvacuum ยท 27 points ยท Posted at 17:11:15 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Chess with RNG elements sounds kinda hilarious. And infuriating. Queen moves to take a pawn, only to roll a critical miss and kill herself on the serf's pike instead.
Gorilla__Tactics ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 18:05:10 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Can we crowd fund this
fargoniac ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 21:26:55 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Please do.
Mazertyui ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 18:33:11 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
So, Fire Emblem?
Daxx22 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 16:56:59 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Checkers too.
Grafeno ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 16:33:17 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Have you heard of this game called chess? I guess it's rather obscure though.
ModMarkOgilvie ยท -2 points ยท Posted at 16:21:49 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Shuffling cards doesnt involve an actual number generator though.
TerminalVector ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 16:58:14 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
It does if a computer is doing it, or if you write numbers on the cards. The principle is the same, only the symbols used are different. You could think of a deck of cards as a RNG that gives two numbers, in the ranges 1-4 and 1-13 respectively with each combination having equal probability 1 in 52.
ModMarkOgilvie ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:42:12 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
It isnt generated though. And the numbers arent necesarrily random
Mask_of_Ice ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:50:35 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Nobody plays Sorry anymore.
SuperDan000 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 04:16:10 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I'm sorry I forgot to play.
Olakola ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 16:52:50 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
you mean a game with a dice doesnt use RNG? I doubt it.
ModMarkOgilvie ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 18:42:37 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Theres boardgames that dont use dice
Olakola ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 19:37:45 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Very few that gained a big fanbase. And many that did have RNG elements via carddraw
yoavsnake ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 16:20:38 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Then it's the RNG in side your brain.
ModMarkOgilvie ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 16:22:08 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Uhm not really? How exactly?
[deleted] ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 16:29:54 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Most games don't have professional players repeatedly praying to RNGesus by name before making an important move, though.
ModMarkOgilvie ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 16:31:04 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Plenty of mmo's. Maybe some fpses after hitting some lucky shots.
DownFromYesBad ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:53:51 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Roguelikes for sure.
Ohlo ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:05:54 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Do you mean MMORPGs? Those don't have professional scenes. The best mobas don't rely much (or at all) on RNG and the same goes for the best FPS games.
ModMarkOgilvie ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:08:55 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
And hearthstone is a competitive game?? Also cod seems to be doing decent with the competitive scene and their entire bulletspray is calculated with RNG. mmorpgs like wow are kinda competitive, there are people who compete to get world firsts etc.
Ohlo ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 20:27:08 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Not really. Also, can you call it competitive when the bulk of the games played are on console with aim assist? It's not exactly hard to be great at call of duty if you're remotely decent at shooters. Even some of the "pros" agree that the game is a bit ridiculous. It's fun, sure, but it's just too casual to be regarded competitively.
CS, on the other hand, is doing great as far as EU and NA is concerned. Asians don't really buy into the shooter genre much.
ModMarkOgilvie ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 20:37:19 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Yeah i know cod isnt as good as a competitive game as Cs is. But theres still quite a bit in prize money.
Ohlo ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 21:09:21 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
According to cod's official website, the last tournament was in july? I can't really find much more information about it. Nothing easily popping up on google kind of goes to show it's not that popular. There's really not much on twitch either. I remember seeing a tournament or two for black ops 2, but that was about 3 titles ago? I'm not sure if it came before or after ghosts. There's been a few people playing the BO3 beta though. It looks exactly the same as every cod game - instant gratification, casual learning curve, casual skill ceiling, pretty graphics.
JharTCS ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 21:42:18 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
they still play bo2 for competition iirc
ModMarkOgilvie ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 04:42:36 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
http://egl.tv/tournaments/game/call-of-duty-advanced-warfare according to this site theres still quite a bit of open tournaments and quite a bit of finished ones.
renako ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 20:22:46 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
But anyone who's played MMORPGs knows the pains of their loot not dropping, their loot rolls lost, their random procs not lining up...
That one guy who got the super rare mount on their first try. Fuck that guy.
Ohlo ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 20:29:17 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Yeah, but that doesn't affect the competitive environment of an esport. MMORPGs aren't esports anyway. Hearthstone, as bland, boring (for me, personally) and unbalanced as it is, is still an esport with a solid competitive environment built around it.
knitted_beanie ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 20:02:30 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I only just realised the moons in Kingdom of Loathing are called Ronald and Grimace because they're R 'n' G
WaterChestnut3 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 21:02:17 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
All those games should get in here
Pickled_Pankake ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 21:18:52 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
What is RNG?
ModMarkOgilvie ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 04:39:24 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Random number generation
Superdude234 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 21:19:46 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Many, many more.
NinjaRedditorAtWork ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 21:30:46 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Yeah but few games rival the RNG required for casino-stone.
ModMarkOgilvie ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 04:44:43 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I think mmorpg's have more rng in them, ewpecially if they have randomly generated dungeons al damage and heals are calculated with rng, the loot you get afterwards is rng
Fluttertree321 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:38:53 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
However, Hearthstone has both the inherent RNG of being a card game AND the many game mechanics that are dictated by RNG.
PunkRockSwordsman ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:59:30 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Still waiting for that Gjallarhorn...
Ironwarsmith ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:22:20 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Do you know how many combinations of cards you could have in your draw order with 30 cards? DO YOU?
ITS A LOT!
Salvage570 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:29:29 on September 10, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The idea is that hearthstone is all RNG
faatiydut ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 14:47:50 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I never said there wasn't
ModMarkOgilvie ยท -1 points ยท Posted at 14:59:15 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Then what does hearthstone have to do with anything? Why make a totally unrelatef comment?
Threemor ยท 7 points ยท Posted at 15:01:56 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
A lot of cards in Hearthstone rely on RNG for their effects (As well as the order of the deck). So by praying to you, their chances of victory will rise. I think /u/fattiydut was just making a joke.
ModMarkOgilvie ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 15:18:42 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Lots of stuff depends on rng nowadays
over8000 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 16:28:49 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Hearthstone is particularly rng dependant to the point where a lot of what happens in the game is a result of random chance. I would even argue a lot of games are almost entirely decided on random chance.
nmotsch789 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:07:43 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Implying it wasn't already a cult
Guyfive ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:42:43 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
D I G I T A L S P O R T S
I
G
I
T
A
L
S
P
O
R
T
S
[deleted] ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 15:12:28 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Oh, great, oh holy /u/Zarqueth bless us with running headshots here at /r/globaloffensive
Also decrease jumpscout accuracy
Kdj87 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:33:00 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I don't get how people jump scout. I can't even use that thing standing still
Broswagonist ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 16:12:47 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Love reading the other responses to your comment. Everyone's playing a different game.
[deleted] ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 15:30:45 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Apparently I have done alot of bad shit because you hate me.
[deleted] ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 15:56:14 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)*
[removed]
multigrain_cheerios ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 04:50:16 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
gets a 1
Aperture_Kubi ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 16:17:18 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Or lesser known as the loot fairy.
Sometimes you say no, sometimes you say yes.
_Signus_ ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 16:19:59 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
What sacrifices do you accept?
TonesBalones ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:47:33 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
RNGsus feeds on speedruns, so trust me there are tons of sacrifices to go around.
Darklight18818 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 16:23:19 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Oh RNGESUS, why have I not received all 8 pieces of Equinox?
chalaila ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:37:43 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Gimme my SMK, you cunt.
shmameron ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:50:51 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
"Jesus saves. The rest of you take damage."
TrulyMoronic ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:58:25 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
RNGESUS PLEASE LET ME CRIT
cloudsmastersword ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:58:40 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
What deep, hateful shit do you have against my ragnaros?
Tothoro ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:04:50 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
WHY DO YOU HATE ME SO MUCH, WHAT DID I EVER DO TO YOU?
Targaryen-ish ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:06:01 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
yisss! Now my Hearthstone career can finally take off!
AdmiralAkbar1 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:12:32 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
To my liege /r/Zarqueth,
May you live in harmony and contentment. I humbly accept your bestowed offer and convert to the Cult of RNGesus forthwith.
-/r/ParadoxPlaza
Diclonius_Angel ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:27:00 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
RNGesus. I am to play the world of warships later today. Would the bestow upon me good RNG so that my rounds hit and my enemies miss? If so we shall erect your statue on both the port and starboard sides of my super structure so that my enemies run in fear knowing well that RNGesus is traveling with me today.
KnashDavis ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:36:34 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Lo my prophet!
RitzBitzN ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:42:20 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Thanks for tec9
Leecannon_ ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:43:37 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
WHY DOST THOU MAKE MY HEIR A 0/1/1 WHAT HATH I DONE TO UPSET YE!
TonesBalones ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:48:46 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Please for the love of you put the Flooders in the right place so they don't fuck me in the ass next time I have a perfect run in Splatoon.
wolfiesrule ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:50:03 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Dear RNGesus...
Please let me get an Unusual in my next crate unboxing, however long in the future that may be.
SuperRNGesus ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:50:32 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
How dare thee use my name as a false RNGod!
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:52:02 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Tagged as "makes Rag hit 1/1 dude EVERYTIME"
maaghen ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:52:41 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
this is an entry level position you are applying for I think rngesus is a bit to ambitious for that :)
Bladex454 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:54:11 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I just got my Vaal Spectral Throw id been looking for a week. Praise RNGESUS!
HEBushido ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:57:58 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Can you be there when I play adc in League? I need those crits .
MemberBonusCard ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:02:59 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Without you, all numbers would be easily predictable?
JonasBM ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:28:30 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
17%
BronzeEnt ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:31:59 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Dragonball Xenoverse seems to be outside your domain. Get in there, I need some stuff.
ssj58trunks ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:35:19 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
WILL YOU TRANSFORM MY 17% TO 83% NOT TO BASH
GiveMeAFuckingCoffee ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:55:07 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Thank you for the mythoclast the other day. I really appreciate it, it's wonderful! My next prayer is for the ram. Prayer circles are already active. Praiz be unto you, if pseudo-randomness deems that it should.
ChestShitter69 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:56:20 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Praise be unto thee, RNGESUS. For today I will grind the strike playlist. Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord RNGESUS! In his great mercy he has given us new rolls on gear and a living hope that through the resurrection of RNGESUS from the dead, he shall bestow upon us better stats for our weapons.
d4m4s74 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:08:20 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Please RNGsus, give me 17 minutes of perfect RNG so I can finally get the world record in Pokemon Blue noSC.
Haku_Sama ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:08:53 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
PRAISE BE
I_like_broken_things ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:15:50 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Please Zarqueth, the one true god. God of random numbers. The god of good and bad drops. God of extensive curses and praises. God of tears and cheers. I want, no need the fatebringer. I have sacrificed nights and weekends. And man,y many of my characters lives. HellIi have sacrificed portions of my own life. For one damn gun. So please be kind. And randomly drop it for me.
Krono5_8666V8 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:41:38 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Oh blessedish Zarqueth, Please let my Knife Juggler ping true, and let the procs be always in my favor!
Silasco ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:05:31 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I pray to you everytime I play game and watch on smash melee
CorsarioNero ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:08:38 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Oh mighty RNGesus, bless my D6 so I may finally roll the items I'm missing in /r/bindingofisaac Rebirth.
Soulfly37 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:18:28 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
You answered my prayers a couple days ago and gave me This
QueuedeSpool ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:21:27 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Is this why my opponent always gets Coin->Mysterious Champion->Mysterious Champion?
That shit is so aggravating.
GemsPls ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:31:51 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
RNGesus as an entry level position? Hm....
TheSexiestManAlive ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:44:54 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Woah Woah woah! You can't just start off being st the top of the food chain. OP said low-level.
MagicalGirlTRex ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 20:47:35 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Can you take it back please
shadowthunder ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 20:56:43 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The god of... Random Number Generators?
XxF1R3WalK3RxX ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 20:59:25 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Warframe both hates and loves you
malboro_urchin ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 21:28:19 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Pretty sure RNGesus is level with Zeus and Christ
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 21:52:20 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
May the 17% be with me
allora_fair ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 22:45:02 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
PLEASE, GREAT RNGESUS, DON'T LET HIM BE A PATRON WARRIOR. PLEASE. DON'T - FUCK.
YOU HAVE FAILED ME, RNGESUS! dashes shrine to the ground sobs
phoenix2448 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 23:05:29 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
BLESS MY CLAN AND I'S CONQUEST OF DESTINY YEAR II
HoochCow ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 23:20:27 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Hearthstone players would probably be your biggest base of worshipers
archer990 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 23:21:26 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
RNGesus, why do you forsake me for when I go out to farm a certain monster it is nowhere to be seen, but vice versa when I look for other monsters.
Spamakin ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 23:41:26 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
WHY IS IT IN RISK OF RAIN, IF I FINALLY SPAWN ON THE EDGE OF THE MAP, THAT I IMMEDIATELY FIND THE TELE?!?!
LevynX ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 23:42:45 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Every time I play against a PA, Ogre, SB or a game of Hearthstone in general, I'll be cursing your name.
Space_Polan ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 23:46:24 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
nat 20, nat 20, nat 20...
Ryan_on_Mars ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:03:20 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
RNGesus Atheist: Come let us plot the probability distribution functions for all of this false gods random number generators!
playerIII ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:14:19 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The one true God for all Game and Watch mains.
captain_rucksack ยท 4386 points ยท Posted at 11:03:16 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)*
Sneezes. They always need blessing. I would become a cult hit overnight.
Edit: Thanks Reddit, I kind of feel like the unofficial god of sneezing now. I should get a t-shirt made.
Edit 2: Please continue to PM me your sneeze prayers and I will consider them.
IN EXPULSIOR
EpicSheep ยท 3157 points ยท Posted at 12:03:24 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)*
Make sure to make your god name "Yu" because then you can steal all of the blessings.
[deleted] ยท 1337 points ยท Posted at 15:37:45 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
[deleted]
Bud_Johnson ยท 185 points ยท Posted at 15:56:53 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Star gate sg1 boner intensifies
[deleted] ยท 26 points ยท Posted at 16:50:15 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Stargate is one word
Bud_Johnson ยท 7 points ยท Posted at 16:54:34 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Swype and auto correct whilst at work.
[deleted] ยท 11 points ยท Posted at 17:14:52 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Well that explains that. I knew a true boner inspired fan wouldn't have it wrong for no reason.
mediocrecore ยท 9 points ยท Posted at 18:00:44 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Indeed
OmniN3rd ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 19:11:34 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Indeed, Daniel Jackson
minor_bun_engine ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 19:19:34 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
iris opens
Deus_Viator ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 00:30:33 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
shhhhooouuuummp
Keynan ยท 384 points ยท Posted at 15:40:53 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Psss, Baal is superior
Masterhaend ยท 147 points ยท Posted at 15:42:15 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
And then he gets sliced in half.
Maceman25 ยท 151 points ยท Posted at 15:48:22 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Not in our timeline. Our timeline the host has a needle stuck in his head and Baal sucked out
Masterhaend ยท 101 points ยท Posted at 15:51:15 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Timelines are confusing.
SgtSlaughterEX ยท 25 points ยท Posted at 15:57:35 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Especially if you do the nasty in the pasty.
ivanllz ยท 7 points ยท Posted at 16:09:44 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Speaking of which, Predestination was a great fucking film.
SgtSlaughterEX ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 16:23:37 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Everytime I think about that movie I think this. Warning: Spoilers
FogItNozzel ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 17:24:30 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Verily.
mclaboratory ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 16:05:30 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
That's the final clone that goes through the extraction ceremony, I thought? The real Baal goes to destroy the ship, then later gets sliced in half. (Then the final clone gets Baal sucked out).
iamhappylight ยท 7 points ยท Posted at 16:16:40 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The real Baal was mixed in with the clones. AFAIK they've never figured out which was the real Baal.
Dodgified ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 16:26:41 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
or even if they got the real Baal!
LegendaryPrimate ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 16:55:49 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
WTF I'M ONLY IN SEASON SIX
SPOILERS ABOUND
vanman33 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 02:05:25 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
What show are you guys talking about?
LegendaryPrimate ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 02:30:40 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Stargate SG-1. Definitely worth the watch. See the movie Stargate first, then start the show. All ten seasons are on Amazon Prime. Then watch Stargate Atlantis (which actually runs concurrently with SG-1 seasons 7-10 i think) and then Stargate Universe.
vanman33 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:02:14 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Ah ok. Yeah that's on the agenda for someday. When it first started playing I refused to watch it because I refused to watch Richard Dean Anderson as anyone except MacGyver, but I've heard a lot of good things about it.
ctrlaltelite ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 19:05:55 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Ours is the only reality of consequence.
trekker1710E ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 16:18:35 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
So many clones...
bbuczek ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 16:28:10 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Wrong kid died.
Mobius_164 ยท 15 points ยท Posted at 15:57:27 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Nope, obviously it's Apophis. He just wouldn't stay dead.
Keynan ยท 15 points ยท Posted at 16:06:44 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Oh please, brought down by a simple plague.
gibbonfrost ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 15:54:33 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I guess he decided to become the god of sports. "lets play some baal"
baaliam ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 16:03:33 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Hey thanks.
RogueRaven17 ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 16:10:49 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Baal Hamon be praised!
TheMainMane ยท 8 points ยท Posted at 16:24:42 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Baal? As in boccee?
TheRedComet ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:59:45 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
When Baal is lyf
ChaosPheonix11 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 20:37:47 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Diablo is superior.
kchoudhury ยท 15 points ยท Posted at 16:10:24 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)*
Stargate references three comments from the top of a frontpage article?
I miss that show.
Chillaxbro ยท 7 points ยท Posted at 17:36:32 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
CREE
LordGalen ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 18:28:43 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
OmniN3rd ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 19:12:09 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
JAFFA
Brokensharted ยท 13 points ยท Posted at 15:51:17 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Senilest of the System Lords.
bdog73 ยท 11 points ยท Posted at 16:00:41 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Always good to start a day with a Stargate reference.
Thor4269 ยท 10 points ยท Posted at 16:59:27 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Motha. Fuckin. Stargate.
bl_man_ack ยท 16 points ยท Posted at 15:51:18 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I'll take Morena Baccarin please...even if the Ori were lame otherwise.
craftmacaro ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 17:57:07 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Shol'va
endospire ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 17:55:46 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Don't. Every joke, every pun done to death...seriously
probablywrongtho ยท 23 points ยท Posted at 15:41:49 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Soulja boy is the new God
Inepta ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 15:43:24 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Pretty sure you're thinking of Kanye West
frzferdinand72 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:33:48 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
#YeezyforPreezy2020
mepope09 ยท 12 points ยท Posted at 16:10:40 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Dr. Daniel Jackson: Don't. Every joke, every pun, done to death, seriously...
FoxtrotBeta6 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 22:51:46 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Jack...
Daniel...
MyersVandalay ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 16:02:10 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)*
I could imagine that one backfiring pretty darn fast. "Fuck Yu god of traffic." would get you rear ended.
owlsrule143 ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 15:40:02 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Gesundheit.
Blackpixels ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 16:03:56 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
"I'm Yu, he's Mi!"
PBFT ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 16:25:27 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Gesundheit would be his German God name.
Microscopic_God ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 17:32:09 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Found the God of loopholes!
yasbo ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:41:12 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Damn yu!
kel007 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:47:43 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Technically wouldn't work for Asian countries, but who cares.
asharwood ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 20:56:09 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God bless Yu
ZephyrWarrior ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 22:28:58 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Yew, Yewwe, Yue, Youe, Youwe, Ewwe. Plus the traditional you. There are a lot of ways to make homonyms in English.
iSukz ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 23:32:46 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Or better yet "You".
Source: my last name is " You".
semantik ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:33:14 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
He would be in direct competition of the oriental god "hackshaw". Which makes me think I should be the god of Onomatopoeias. Making sure you get the right sound for the location of the world you are in so as not to look like a complete outcast. Can't speak the language? Don't worry, you got the right onomatopoeia.
pk2k0k ยท 407 points ยท Posted at 15:39:09 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I would be your opposing force, the God-of-sneezes-that-get-interrupted-for-some-reason. People would hate me.
captain_rucksack ยท 256 points ยท Posted at 15:40:47 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Ah man, I hate you. I'd shine a light in their eyes from the heavens to try and keep the sneeze alive.
skrangle ยท 14 points ยท Posted at 16:29:53 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Bless me with your light, God of Sneeze. I've got the tickles in my nose!
captain_rucksack ยท 10 points ยท Posted at 16:33:40 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
BLESS
Now sneeze, damn Yu!
PolentaDogsOut ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 16:40:21 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Keep the Sneeze Alive 2015
dfn85 ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 19:18:25 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
This only works for about a quarter of the population, though.
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 20:00:50 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I've always been the opposite. If I have to sneeze and I look at a bright light, I don't have to sneeze any more. Kinda strange.
dfn85 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 20:36:45 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I sort of experience both. If I have one stuck, I can look at the light and make it happen. But, sometimes it does just make the sneeze urge disappear entirely.
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 22:46:57 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I wonder what the science behind that is.
dfn85 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 23:07:22 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I know that one of the current theories of photic sneezing is that it's a malfunction of neurons. It's almost as if the wrong ones are triggered when the eyes are suddenly exposed to bright light, causing the sneeze. So, maybe the neurons responsible for activating the sneezing reflex can also be "untriggered", leading to no more need to sneeze?
[deleted] ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 23:44:29 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
That would make sense. Cool stuff.
Get0nMyHorse ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 20:30:09 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Do you know if there is a difference based on ethnicity?
dfn85 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 20:43:15 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I don't think so. It seems to be an autosomal dominant trait.
https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Photic_sneeze_reflex
alansallee ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 20:24:01 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
As your powers of sneeze-control fluctuate, your poor subjects will be stuck in several minute limbos of that uncomfortable almost-sneeze state, with that God-awful (pun not intended) presneeze expression and complete inability to speak or function until you either sneeze or the sensation goes away.
captain_rucksack ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 20:54:28 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
You're starting to make me sound like the god of vinegar strokes...
alansallee ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 21:06:23 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Blame /u/pk2k0k for inhibiting your otherwise amazing and mighty powers.
faroutsunrise ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:40:38 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
So weird that there isn't already a light that sits in the heavens, helping people sneeze...
scottasin12343 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 23:33:24 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
those of us with the Photic Sneeze Reflex are your devoutest followers.
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Photic_sneeze_reflex
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:30:17 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Ah, so you are a light triggered sneezer too!
DasJuden63 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 04:55:32 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I like to say "Bless you!" right before the actual sneeze....
lygerzero0zero ยท 8 points ยท Posted at 16:08:25 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
You fucker I was reading this right as I was about to sneeze and now I can't.
(I'm not even joking)
xSPYXEx ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 15:58:06 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I'd be the God Of Making Stupid Faces Accidentally. We'd make good partners.
droomph ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 16:30:09 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Your name would be Aschitamit
SaintsSinner ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 19:12:14 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Met a girl at a New Year's Eve party who was trying to sneeze by couldn't quite get it out. I said, "oh I can help with that... God Bless You" She immediately lost that concentrated about to sneeze face and glared angrily at me. I think that's the fastest I've ever made an enemy out of a total stranger. It was a few minutes after midnight so I like to think I helped her start her year off right.
pk2k0k ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:31:12 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)*
For the rest of the evening, she was wandering around squinting at lights. You ruined her night, you utter bastard. Thanks! Take that, /u/captain_rucksack!
ChaosPheonix11 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 20:43:49 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
There's actually a song that mentions this. "God of No More" by Starbomb. It's about Kratos running out of God's to kill, so turning to slaughtering minor gods. The final one is "The God of that thing, where you're just about to sneeze, then your friend is all 'hey what's up!' and you suddenly FREEZE, But you still have that nose tingle, it's a horrible tease! And you're like FUUUUUUUUUUUCK!"
mercedenesgift ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 20:39:12 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
My husband is devoted to stopping my sneezes. Apparently he just worships you.
Trance354 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 21:30:09 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
how about demi-god of sneezes that get stuck in your nose? All of the snot, none of the clearing-out.
Rainewood ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 12:58:15 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
People who shout pineapple before you sneeze are your priests.
[deleted] ยท 184 points ยท Posted at 16:07:25 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
This seems like a legit entry level position. Literally thousands of requests a minute, none of them really needing any real attention, but still draining on you nonetheless.
-seaniccus- ยท 10 points ยท Posted at 15:36:28 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Dude, you realize how many people you'd have to bless every day? You're giving yourself an insane workload.
KevlarGorilla ยท 15 points ยท Posted at 15:57:37 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Relevant Song and Lyrics:
renegadetoast ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 18:02:25 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I came into this thread looking for references to this.
PM_ME_BOOBS_GIRLL ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 20:31:26 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Thought of this too
tank_1 ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 15:42:59 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I swear to god, I sneezed twice upon reading this.
captain_rucksack ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 15:47:16 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
You're welcome.
Crazy_Mann ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 15:49:22 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
We'd notice if you were missing at /r/nosneeze
Krono5_8666V8 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:36:29 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Damn, I just spent 2 precious minutes trying to find this sub on google to link it. And that's why... you always check the comments.
mapman87 ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 15:40:37 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
My flatmate is already the god of sneezing. Constantly sneezes, and not just a little one, these are full blown wake up everyone within a half mile radius sneeze. They usually come in threes as well!
PianoMastR64 ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 15:51:35 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Achoo!!
trippy_grape ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 15:56:28 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Or you would be reviled and hated for cursing people with their inevitable sneezes.
craftyJnasty ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 15:59:59 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of tits and wine.
shorun ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 16:02:43 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
that's an english thing only, in dutch we wish people "gezondheid" or "good health". no blessings required.
captain_rucksack ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 16:04:48 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Don't worry, I'd still watch over your sneezes.
What I wouldn't tolerate is people saying "bless you" when somebody coughs. Instant smiting.
shorun ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 12:32:01 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
do you know how absurd that seems....
behaviour in one set of bodyfunctions is okey (even tough it makes no sense at all), but in another (simular) situation it's not???
if you are going to do strange and absurd things, at least be consistent about them!
Rare jongens, die Amerikanen.
captain_rucksack ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 13:20:07 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Ik ben gelukkig dat ik Engels ;)
shorun ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 13:22:06 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
you are happy that you english?
[deleted] ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 16:28:00 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I got you tagged as "Yu, God of Sneezes". It's official!
goodwid ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 17:51:03 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I would pray to you so that I never again sneeze while on the toilet, trying to pass a difficult turd.
captain_rucksack ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:55:51 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Pluck a single hair from your nose and say ten "In Expulsiors."
Your wish is granted.
goodwid ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 20:38:35 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
You're an angry god...
[deleted] ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 18:23:09 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Oh my god I would sacrifice a small animal or child for you every day if I didn't have to hear or feel like participating in that blessing madness anymore!
captain_rucksack ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 18:44:27 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
This displeases me. You will be blessed every time that you sneeze!
[deleted] ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 18:58:09 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
well fuck
mrpilotgamer ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 18:25:11 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
tagged as "God-of-sneezing.
captain_rucksack ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:43:55 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
May your sneezes be forever granted on the first attempt.
mrpilotgamer ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:49:22 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Thank you, mi'lord.
Captain_Condoriano ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 19:05:54 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
/r/captain_club
ninja_status_pending ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 09:39:49 on September 10, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Sneezus
[deleted] ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 16:09:11 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
You are soooo good lookin'
chnoubis ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 16:11:25 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
/r writingprompt
Someone do it!
ThundercuntIII ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 16:32:11 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
What about the people who say Gesuntheit? Are they heathens?
captain_rucksack ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 16:35:36 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
No, they are accepted. Only those who bless coughs would be banished.
And if you bless a hiccup? ...Gods help ye.
centristism ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 16:54:42 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Hey aren't you the God of sneezing?
CaptainCyprine ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 16:41:31 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Do you know there is already a cult?
CiD7707 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 16:53:08 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Read American Gods. You'd get a kick out of it.
Toad_R ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 17:02:52 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
What sacrifice should I perform to not have sneeze blueballs?
captain_rucksack ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 17:05:45 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
You must pull the hairs from your head or eyebrows until a sneeze issues forth, in expulsive glory.
Repeat after me: In Expulsior.
bro0d ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:18:45 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
From now on we will say "Captain_rucksack bless you" instead of "god bless you" when people sneeze.
BonOfTheDead ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:56:27 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
It's quite strange that the second I sneeze, which I haven't done in days, happens to be the exact second I read this comment.
captain_rucksack ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 18:21:12 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
It's no coincidence.
BonOfTheDead ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:38:55 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Sneeze god be praised!
captain_rucksack ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 18:42:58 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Bless you, my child
Never_In-A-Game ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:37:16 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Be sure to bless /r/justsneezed
superpencil121 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:43:18 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I sneezed after I read this comment. I'm kinda scared.
captain_rucksack ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:46:09 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Don't be scared, my child. You are saved! I sneeze love achoo now and always.
Saemika ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:45:46 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Strawberries!
biscuitcrumbs ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:58:20 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I tagged you God of Sneezing. I will forget why I did that in a few weeks and wonder about it for a few hours.
captain_rucksack ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 20:50:30 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I am greatly sneezed with your commitment. You may force one painful sneeze from somebody that annoys you.
FredAsta1re ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:04:13 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I sneezed today and popped a blood vessel and now my face hurts.
Fuck yourself
captain_rucksack ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 20:58:58 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Well maybe you shouldn't have done that immoral thing you did. You know what I'm talking about!
... don't do it again.
LeftSideOfTown ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:15:58 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I'd be the god of that-thing-where-you're-just-about-to-sneeze-and-then-your-friend's-all-"hey-what's-up"-and-you're-starting-to-freeze-but-you-still-have-that-nose-tingle-it's-a-horrible-tease-and-you're-like-fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck.
captain_rucksack ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 20:58:11 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
That truly is the worst. We would not be god buddies.
philipwhiuk ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:40:38 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Achoo
AgentHoneywell ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 20:11:16 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
What can I do to avoid aborted sneezes, oh Lord? Looking at bright things doesn't work anymore!
captain_rucksack ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 20:55:15 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Open thine eyes to the heavenly glories and pull wicked hard on your nose hairs.
sniffy84 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 20:30:30 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
And in His name we pray, Achoo
captain_rucksack ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 20:52:55 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
And also with you.
YoureNotAGenius ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 21:17:13 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I have recently stopped blessing people when they sneeze. Not being religious it never felt right, so now I jut say "sneeze" and people thank me like it is a bless you.
nuggynugs ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 21:31:19 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Bless me Sneezus!
DonValhalla ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:48:05 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
This will only work in English speaking countries, in spanish we say "Salud", meaning literally "Health" or "Health to you"
GandalfTheGrey1991 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:42:55 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Unless you're my siblings...they get offended if you bless them when they sneeze. They get extra enthusiastic blessings from me. :)
Choccybizzle ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:06:56 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
People might look down their noses at you
Blugentoo2therevenge ยท 150 points ยท Posted at 13:38:00 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Sorting, prioritizing, and filing prayers. God of middle management.
mrpbeaar ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 21:38:14 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of paper clips here. We should work together.
dekrant ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:30:28 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
This sounds more like patron saint material.
sk_2013 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 22:08:03 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Shuffling, losing, and knocking over stacks of paper you mean?
JustBronzeThingsLoL ยท 264 points ยท Posted at 15:12:21 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I would be Anoia. Goddess of Things That Get Stuck in Drawers, a minorย goddessย on theDiscworld. When someone rattles a drawer and cries "How can it close on the damned thing but not open with it? Who bought this? Do we ever use it?", even though the person might be genuinely irritated or even exasperated, it is as praise unto Anoia. Faithful Anoians (worshippers of Anoia) purposefully rattle their drawers and complain every day. Anoia also finds objects that roll under other objects and things stuck in sofa cushions, and is considering handling stuck zippers. She eats corkscrews.
invaderkrag ยท 33 points ยท Posted at 16:08:56 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I came looking for Anoia. Small Gods was my first Discworld book.
kodakowl ยท 10 points ยท Posted at 16:41:29 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)*
Was Anoia in Small Gods? Wasn't she introduced in Going Postal?
invaderkrag ยท 10 points ยท Posted at 16:58:40 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
You could be right - the side plots of the 40-or-so books all meld together a bit for me sometimes. Either way, I enjoy Anoia.
Da-nile ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 21:27:10 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I've read all of the books, some more than once and while I was reading your comment, I literally just got that her name is a derivative of the word, "annoy"... wow.
CinderSkye ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 20:45:53 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
She was in Small Gods, Going Postal was just the first time she was somewhat important.
BuncjoVilla ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 19:20:50 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
She was in Small Gods
BuncjoVilla ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 19:20:29 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Me too! And she was in Small Gods first and then in Going Postal.
TastyBrainMeats ยท 15 points ยท Posted at 16:55:56 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I just love the note about how she got her start (volcano goddess)...and smokes a cigarette, because old habits die hard.
Aleph_to_Zed ยท 13 points ยท Posted at 17:19:38 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
While we're at it, who is the Oh God of Hangovers?
Herrenos ยท 12 points ยท Posted at 18:20:12 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Bilious
owlyoudoin ยท 12 points ยท Posted at 16:34:15 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
They say whenever you suddenly smell cigarette smoke, Anoia has blessed you with her presence.
djtodd242 ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 16:38:06 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
...or "Spike" is nearby.
owlyoudoin ยท 16 points ยท Posted at 16:40:22 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
My favorite fan theory is that Adora Belle actually is Anoia.
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:47:19 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Spike is one of my favourite characters in the series. She reminds me a lot of my sister.
belisaria ยท 9 points ยท Posted at 17:34:33 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Ah, you beat me to it!
-rattles drawer handles-
a4ng3l ยท 7 points ยท Posted at 18:31:48 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I was looking for this one :) You'd have my prayers on a daily basis. And quite a lot of my rage as well...
not_enough_characte ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 20:31:06 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I'm surprised I had to scroll this far to find this.
Annamaria51 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 04:13:35 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Came here to say this. Praise be unto Anoia! rattles drawers
ThisNameBestBeFree ยท 134 points ยท Posted at 11:31:39 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Traffic. Though I think it is slightly above entry-level, none of the other Gods want to deal with the constant cursing that is directed at the God of Traffic. It's a perfect testing position, if you can handle the high pressure of traffic you will move up in the Pantheon and be expected to find a new God of Traffic.
Silver_kitty ยท 10 points ยท Posted at 15:43:55 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I think you start out as God of Pedestrian Crosswalks. Move your way up to intersection timings, then maybe you can work on alleviating traffic jams.
lurklurklurkPOST ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 16:49:10 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
This guy understood the question.
BecauseTacos ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 23:49:20 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Walkie-Man. He of the pedestrian crossing, keeping us safe from encroaching vehicles.
hmd27 ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 16:43:40 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I would smite all those fuckers who cruise in the passing lane keeping faster traffic from passing. It makes me rage when people refuse to move to the slow lane.
Maniacal_warlock ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 20:23:19 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
So if I curse the God of Traffic, my 15 min commute turns into 60? You are the devil, sir.
BecauseTacos ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 23:48:35 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Asphaltia, praise be unto thee. May She rule the roadways fairly.
novvesyn ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 16:08:14 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
But finding a replacement is nigh impossible, so you stay in that entry level position forever
Rbajeah ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 18:44:41 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The way that backfires is that you become so good at it, no one wants to move you for fear of things going back to how they once were.
Edit: a word
hde128 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 19:11:07 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I was thinking the traffic light would be a more appropriately mundane power. There's this light in town that's green for ten seconds in direction and two minutes in the other direction. It can cause 15-30 minute backups during peak hours. I just want to let more people go through it by keeping it green slightly longer. That's mundane enough for me, but still useful.
Shdwdrgn ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 20:43:12 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I was also going to say God of the Traffic Lights, but I would be a vengeful god... Like, I saw you cut off someone back there, so every light through town is going to be red for you. Holding up traffic because you don't like people passing you? Fine, the other lanes will be green, but you get the perpetual red light. On the other hand, a suitable sacrifice will ensure you get to work before your boss on Monday morning. Your boss probably drives a BMW or Audi anyway and deserves to be harassed.
Sq33KER ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 21:24:56 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I shall sacrifice a cat to you by throwing it onto a busy road during peak hour traffic
swimfastalex ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 02:07:59 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Or maybe that's why no one has gotten past the entry level job...
ThisNameBestBeFree ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 06:51:08 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
That's a fantastic theory, they still have yet to find the balance.
Kagsacar ยท 398 points ยท Posted at 13:33:29 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I am the God of that thing where your just about to sneeze, but then your friend is all "Hey whats up?" and you suddenly freeze, but then you still have that nose tingle, its a horrible tease, and you're like FUUUUCK!
retribution1025 ยท 30 points ยท Posted at 15:23:04 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I don't know this guy named Kratos might come after you. I hear he has been killing Gods recently.
Kagsacar ยท 18 points ยท Posted at 15:24:38 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Kratos? That guy is such a dick.
Theblackdeath179 ยท 13 points ยท Posted at 15:43:12 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I know...it's awesome.
Silas13013 ยท 12 points ยท Posted at 15:49:46 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I heard he even killed Charies, the overlord of chairs and drawers
Kagsacar ยท 14 points ยท Posted at 15:51:18 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I heard that he also slayed Twerkeles, the lord of jiggly butts. That bastard.
Derpspam ยท 11 points ยท Posted at 16:59:21 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
and he even ayed-slay the ittle-lay itch-bay od-gay of Pig Latin!
Theblackdeath179 ยท 14 points ยท Posted at 15:42:49 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I was specifically looking for this comment when I entered this post and was not disappointed.
Kagsacar ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 15:44:35 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Glad I could be the one to not disappoint you.
Mail-a-tron ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 22:03:27 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I just posted this, and then found it a bit further down. You've dissapointed me.
those_pesky_kids ยท 10 points ยท Posted at 14:36:37 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
You monster!
My husband would constantly say "bless you" just as I'd start to sneeze, which would inevitably cause it to get stuck in my nose. Now, it happens to my 9 month old daughter and she gives the most frustrated growl - it's hilarious.
Kagsacar ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 14:54:53 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Praise be.
ItsReallyJustAHorse ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 17:34:25 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Im the god of baked potatoes!
Nightkind ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 17:36:03 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Kratos.... You're such a dick!
therachel2010 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 20:27:46 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I was waiting for this.
HunterofCourage ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:09:23 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of the sneeze tease!
hestoelena ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:55:52 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
And here I thought that was cause by an angel faking an organism in heaven
xerxesbeat ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:21:59 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
dangit, now I can't stop almost yawning....
no, wait, there it is
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 20:09:54 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Consider putting in line breaks.
Two spaces and then enter does this.
Two enters does this.
newyorker9789 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 20:32:23 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
And I'm the god of grammar and punctuation, consider yourself smited.
Megmca ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 21:16:59 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
It only ever happens to me when I'm standing in front of customers. WHY HAVE YOU AFFLICTED ME OH GOD???
_Zemos_ ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 21:18:58 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Hi fellow lovely
Sick reference you got there bro
It's snowing on Mt. Fuji
mdjoiner ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 23:19:27 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
So.. The God of Starbomb?
Wemie1420 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:35:14 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God dammit. Time to listen to their album another 17 times.
Pinejelly ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:45:53 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
None would dare cross you
Angrant96 ยท 235 points ยท Posted at 12:12:18 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of Recordkeeping. I hold the powah. Zeus make you look like a little bitch? Slip me some god-money and I'll make you the hero.
HaniiPuppy ยท 9 points ยท Posted at 16:01:44 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I think you're going to have to challenge Thoth for that role.
ImperatorTempus42 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:38:57 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Always nice to see Thoth around.
Denisius ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 16:06:18 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Don't you think that it would make Zeus angry falsifying shit like that?
Making Zeus angry isn't gonna do much for your chances to move up the hierarchy. It might actually get you chained to a rock for a millenia with a huge hungry eagle getting a piece of your tasty liver every day.
Angrant96 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 05:58:05 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I didn't consider that.
pipboy_warrior ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 16:01:48 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I'm trying to think if record-keeping would be a mundane power or not. Empires can be shaken to the core thanks to a good team of accountants.
DarkwaterV2 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 16:32:06 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The Divine Stenographer
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:33:19 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Wouldn't that kind of put you in charge of the Fates as well? All the weaving and such... destiny etc requires a lot of data to be processed which to be done properly needs all sorts of nightmarish records keeping and data entry work.
SexyR63VinylScratch ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:41:56 on September 10, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
So god of government?
annoyingstranger ยท 123 points ยท Posted at 11:53:59 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The God of Questions. Basically just a secretary for the God of Answers.
pilstrom ยท 8 points ยท Posted at 16:10:46 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
42?
annoyingstranger ยท 8 points ยท Posted at 19:29:15 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Noted. We'll get back to you.
HaniiPuppy ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 16:06:48 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
What's the point of the God of Qu-GARGHLEAGH
HyperbolicInvective ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 17:02:56 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Haha, this really fits into the spirit of the thing.
screenfan ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 23:20:58 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
i'd worship this god.
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:10:12 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
It should be the other way around; For it is harder to ask a good question, then to give a good answer.
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:06:13 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)*
Karl Pilkington?
annoyingstranger ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 19:31:58 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Do you mean the farmer and generally well-received neighbor from the 1400s, or TV's "Idiot Abroad"?
senorglory ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:06:51 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
that would be an epic battle. God of Questions vs. God of Answers.
TheNerdySimulation ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:07:33 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
And your name shall be Philosophicles!
RedTheWolf ยท 59 points ยท Posted at 13:44:14 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I'd be Nokiana, the goddess of text/message notifications. You show your devotion by jumping to look when you see my symbols displayed on your phone's notifications bar and I can brighten your day or make you annoyed simply by appearing or not appearing...
Ollivander451 ยท 55 points ยท Posted at 14:22:07 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I was thinking the God of cell phone vibrations. When you anger me, or I'm bored, I either torment you with phantom vibrations or fail to deliver a real vibration notification that you were waiting for. When you please me, you get precisely the vibrations you would have received otherwise. Basically I don't have to work if I'm pleased. It's like the laziest job in the world.
RedTheWolf ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 14:42:44 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
That is a good one, perhaps we could be some kind of comedy deity-duo??
erddad890765 ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 15:28:03 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
You work for Iris (Rainbow and Iris Messaging), and have some obligations to Hermes (Mailman of the Gods).
Danica170 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 17:51:19 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Were you pissed off at me yesterday by any chance?
sirin3 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 17:54:00 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Perhaps I would be Sirin, the god of talking iphone apps
Pinejelly ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 17:46:56 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Nokia ana sounds more like the god of indestructible things
RedTheWolf ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 22:02:00 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
You think putting me in a blender or running me over with your car will stop me?? BWAHAHAHAAA!
0ffendid ยท 54 points ยท Posted at 16:11:54 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of Forgotten Passwords
RandomFlotsam ยท 7 points ยท Posted at 16:21:40 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I'd like to work with you and be the god of Good Usernames Already Taken by Someone Else. I'd frustratingly pre-register the username you really wanted before you did. Unless of course the proper sacrifices are made at my temple.
because_monstah ยท 9 points ยท Posted at 17:46:33 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
And I'll be your teamate, as the God of Password Confirmation Email Never Delivered! Should I not be pleased, I'd keep away from you the email including the password confirmation sent by a website you want to register with!
Nobody would ever want to mess with us, NOBODY!
telekineticm ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:34:31 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
FTFY
ConductiveCopper ยท 200 points ยท Posted at 14:10:50 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of battery life, worship me and your phone/computer/ipad will never go under 99%.
VG_JUNKY ยท 22 points ยท Posted at 16:26:33 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Nahh I'll just carry around my 5-10 external batteries around to last the day.
Momorules99 ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 19:41:51 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
You mean you don't just have a single giant battery with shoulder straps to wear it on your back?
VG_JUNKY ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 20:07:38 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
It's in the mail
dmilin ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:22:41 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
AmazonPrime!
MatureButNaive ยท 16 points ยท Posted at 16:37:00 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
But... #notalltablets are heretical apple devices.
acondie13 ยท 23 points ยท Posted at 17:51:25 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I don't know whether to upvote or downvote. On one hand, you speak truth, on the other, you used a fucking hashtag on reddit.
ConductiveCopper ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 00:43:05 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Is that a thing now?
ImperatorTempus42 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:32:55 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
#Suckitup
MatureButNaive ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 19:50:22 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)*
... #allupvotesmatter?
EDIT: #alldownvotesmatter?
popcar2 ยท 8 points ยท Posted at 17:42:38 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
That seems a little too powerful, it should be "Worship me and your phone/computer/ipad's battery life will decrease 4 times slower in it's last 5 percent".
ConductiveCopper ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 00:43:55 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Or just stay on 1% forever.
SynthReBorn ยท 7 points ยท Posted at 17:03:06 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Don't forget about vibrators, they need some battery love too!
cublins ยท 7 points ยท Posted at 17:05:41 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
How do I worship thee, oh great one?
PinkieBen ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 17:31:00 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
What sacrifice do you require my lord?
NEVERGETMARRIED ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 17:40:17 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
That gave me the chills
Tasgall ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 18:03:21 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Elon, is that you?
[deleted] ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 19:54:33 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
OP said entry-level position, not one of the supreme gods.
RambunctiousGay ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 20:00:08 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Entry-level position, not the best God that could ever exist.
vagabondhermit ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 21:40:44 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Mundane? That's the God of perpetual energy.
princekamoro ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 04:02:07 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
That sounds expensive... How much do you require to make the phone lie and say it's at 99+%?
arcticfox_12 ยท 111 points ยท Posted at 13:48:10 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)*
Goddess of Coffee. As a popular and addictive drink, I will have a lot of followers and will rise quickly in my standing.
PlasmaBurst ยท 9 points ยท Posted at 15:00:44 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Since you're a goddess...
What do you think about morning coffee?
Wodashit ยท 8 points ยท Posted at 15:57:15 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Smooth.
VG_JUNKY ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 16:25:32 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I see what you did...
arcticfox_12 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 19:42:18 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Morning coffee is a necessity, I prevent thousands of office workers from stabbing each other with office supplies.
S7urm ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:28:34 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Smote
GiveMeAFuckingCoffee ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 17:58:58 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I LOVE YOU ๐
BitchesLoveCoffee ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 01:44:16 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I found my deity
erddad890765 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:29:28 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Is your holy place Star Bucks, or are you more of a "not fancy, just normal coffee", with your holy place at small coffee places? Or are you two, just there is a cult following that perceives it as one.
imjusta_bill ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 16:16:27 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Much like Christianity, there are many different sects. The blue collar Dunkin Donuts, the ubiquitous Starbucks, home worship with instant coffee or the sacred kcup. It matters not, as long as the goddess gets her due
fuzzynyanko ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 17:25:15 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
There be many rituals for worshiping her holiness, different ones coming from many parts of the world. The better you execute the rituals, the better her blessings be
Three variants I know of are the following, though probably not perfect:
Pour over (automatic coffee makers are a variant of this)
French Press
Cold Brew
erddad890765 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:36:37 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Praise the goddess, who sleeps without our help.
It's like a two-way relationship! :D
psychodynamic1 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 20:53:40 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I would gladly be your demigod of espresso. I'll take care of grinding, tamping, and pulling the best damn shots known to humankind. What is thy bidding, goddess? Shall we keep them up all night, or mischievously replace their full-test stuff with decaf?
just2quixotic ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 23:10:39 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
She whom is the Dark Mother, Kaffeina, Lady of the Latte, Steamy Lady, Wakeful Maiden, Goddess of the Waking Day, Queen of...
rattfink ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:52:03 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
And I shall be your sidekick/intern, the God of the Coffee Pot. Kill the joe? Make some mo' and be blessed in my sight.
FallaciousMemories ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 16:08:14 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
All hail arcticfox_12, Goddess of Coffee. She who admires northface, uggs, and yoga pants. Wear these articles three and she will bestow upon thee sweet sweet coffee. Wear these articles not, and all your coffee will taste like /u/airz23 's coffee when the VP calls in a favor...
elenthar ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 16:49:28 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Sweet coffee? Tis blasphemy! Thy coffee shalt be dark and bitter like the tears of your sleepy enemies and non-believers!
fuzzynyanko ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:18:28 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Bitter? Good coffee isn't bitter
GiveMeAFuckingCoffee ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 18:08:02 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Good coffee is as bitter as you want it to be... You want a bitter, grainy coffee? Turkish stove top espresso. You want it sweet? Ice drip or cold brew.
Wruntjunior ยท 96 points ยท Posted at 12:16:28 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of Stubbed Toes. I believe it's a powerful enough position and a wide enough portfolio to give me a lot of vertical mobility.
Imagine how many people would pray and offer gifts to the God of Stubbed Toes just to not stub a toe that day.
Radvila ยท 12 points ยท Posted at 14:21:54 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Exactly none.
MerryJobler ยท 8 points ยท Posted at 17:53:58 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Hikers, marathoners, people with ingrown toenails, and very clumsy people.
ShameAlter ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 16:17:38 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Rekt in pece.
Leemage ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 18:27:24 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Could you put a good word for me with the God of Things my Head Runs Into? I would seriously bake some fruity pebble Rice Krispie treats for any god that would guarantee I never hit my head on stupid open cabinet doors or a counter when I bend over and straighten back up or my car doorframe when I get in. Nothing infuriates me more.
myaccisbest ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 16:53:06 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
You will be hated and feared, but not quite enough for people to do anything about it like turn on the light or move the coffee table an inch farther out of the way
PaleFlyer ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:48:41 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Steel toe boots. Bring unto me ALL your attempts. Ye shall lose!
Wruntjunior ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:07:25 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Oh ye of little faith, the steel toe boots shall betray you! Never go in against a god when a stubbed toe is on the line!
PaleFlyer ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 20:17:34 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I believe in one lord! The Lord of Lard, the Sultan of Swine, the GOD. OF. BACON!
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:15:05 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I could've used your protection last night....
Mex-Box ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:48:31 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Finally, I guess your my partner, Loki said you'd be evil. I'm the God of misplaced items/furniture.
ApocaLiz ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:49:15 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
As someone with chronic toe infections I would play to you everyday. Hell, I'll build you a temple!
DaAznMcFlurry ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 23:10:09 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Can I be your brother, and be God of Papercuts?
Lord_Mormont ยท 44 points ยท Posted at 16:06:35 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I will be the God of Excellent Timing. Supplicate yourself to me and you'll be blessed with arriving at the donut shop just ahead of the office worker buying three dozen donuts for his mates. Doors will close right behind you, rain will start after you get home.
Piss me off and you'll end up at the returns desk at Marshalls behind bitter angry women looking to return formal gowns that have clearly been worn and yet they don't have the receipt. Why are you even there? Because you happened by at the precise moment they put out a matching glass vase that you broke as a kid and your mom has never forgiven you for, only you didn't notice the chip until after you gave it to her.
Yeah, don't piss me off.
DodgyBollocks ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 16:33:13 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I think I need to start praying more because I seriously always seem to get stuck behind that lady at the returns desk.
chainmailtank ยท 42 points ยท Posted at 14:48:56 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The god of towel fluffiness. Please me and you will find your towel dry and fluffy and just to your liking when you reach for it. Praise me, and perhaps your significant other was divinely inspired to run your towel through a warm tumble cycle while you were showering. Displease me? Your significant other just took a shower before you got home and hung the towel back up. It is limp, damp, and cold. Infuriate me and your towel is not there. As you run naked and wet through the hall, you recall in horror that you put all the towels in the wash two nights ago and forgot them. They are still in the washer and have started to smell.
GraySentinel ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 17:38:50 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
O great one, thou art well known to me. How shall I praise Thee, so that my wife will stop hanging her wet towels so close to mine that all of the moisture drips off of hers and gets absorbed by mine? ;(
DrDew00 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 21:32:33 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
My wife hangs hers on the towel rack. I hang mine on the bathroom door. No shared wetness and she doesn't wipe her makeup on my towel.
The_Crooked_Man ยท 34 points ยท Posted at 15:10:53 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The god of tangled cords and strings. Worship me and you'll be able to put headphones in your pocket and pull them out entirely untangled.
ShafterMcJorty ยท 63 points ยท Posted at 15:32:03 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I am Comebacken, God of whitty, on the spot, comebacks. If you make the generous sacrifice of one iguana, you shall never be without the whittiest, most dissful comebacks in a verbal conflict.
[deleted] ยท 8 points ยท Posted at 19:56:04 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
*witty
Azusanga ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 17:34:24 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
can i praise you by getting my comeback from op's mom's chin?
Mex-Box ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 16:45:29 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Do you want it dead or alive, cause I can kill it or them, how's all of them dead. Want me to shoot it or drown it? Electrocution? Do you need someONE killed... cause I'll kill em' right after I'm done with these damned iguanas.
ShafterMcJorty ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 16:56:02 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Your mom
x7z ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 17:37:15 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Who put Dionysus in charge of interviews?
forevereatingdessert ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 21:46:01 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Nooooo- Not Jub Jub!
sk_2013 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 22:12:29 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Tell me, what's your relationship to the God of Shower Arguments? Allies? Coworkers? Enemies? Maybe a Greek/Roman thing?
ShafterMcJorty ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 12:23:59 on September 10, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Yes indeed, Showargumento is my cousin by mariage
AntiMoneySquandering ยท 104 points ยท Posted at 12:45:26 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The God of random little black curly hairs.
Do not pluck my minions. I have graced you with the sign of my indomitable follicle fabulousness.
medicmarch ยท 9 points ยท Posted at 16:23:25 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Apparently I'm your Earthly Vessel. The guys on my hockey team call me "Wolfman" for a reason.
Nymbra ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 16:16:13 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
So, god of pubes?
ImperatorTempus42 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 19:34:48 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
And peyes!
AntiMoneySquandering ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 08:06:00 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Don't mock Pube God lest you wake up to a bush so plentiful you never find your genitals again.
Alarmed_Ferret ยท 27 points ยท Posted at 14:39:16 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The Oh God of Hangovers.
harrick ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:01:09 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Was wondering how long before I saw this response!
CMLMinton ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:52:12 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The younger sibling of the Porcelain God. Pray to him, and ye shall arrive to make things better.
tenclubber ยท 26 points ยท Posted at 14:31:12 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I'd be the God of cleaning the congealed dish washing detergent that collects around the lid and spout.
I would be called the God of the Goops.
owlyoudoin ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 16:38:48 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Would you also cover the crusty stuff on ketchup bottles and jam jars and etc?
tenclubber ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 16:44:07 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Thou would. Be gone krusty ketchup mess! Get behind me all your jam and jelly jar gelatainy goop!
jabroni_camembert ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 18:28:57 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I'd pray to you. You seem like a God I'd like to be on good terms with.
DodgyBollocks ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 16:31:05 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I hope you work on shampoo and conditioner bottles too because that's the worst.
tenclubber ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 16:40:57 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The God of the Goops would cover all household product bottles that goop. My power knows no bounds...except that nasty smelling tar dandruff shampoo. I ain't fucking with that.
librlman ยท 55 points ยท Posted at 16:07:09 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I shall become Halfestus, God of Partial Credit.
My worshippers shall be legion. They shall be young. They shall be...not very bright.
[deleted] ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 20:00:27 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Maybe some of your followers will not be very bright, but a lot of them will be engineering students.
librlman ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 20:08:16 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Indeed.
Mylo-BT ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 16:50:39 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Like so? http://youtu.be/jaVUgVdzLfI
stewart-soda ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 21:14:25 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Tentativeredditor ยท 25 points ยท Posted at 15:50:59 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The muse of doodles--please me and everyone will think you're diligently taking notes. Piss me off and you'll get caught and/or you'll absent-mindedly draw something really cool but it'll be on lined paper.
Kynas ยท 21 points ยท Posted at 15:59:13 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of post orgasm clarity.
It will be me who whispers all those little truths you hear in your head in the 30 seconds after orgasm.
Bow to me or I will make you dread those 30 seconds so bad you can't get in the mood ever!
MentalSieve ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 16:00:53 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
This is brilliant! Have an upvote!
Kynas ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:27:43 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Thanks!
DaAznMcFlurry ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 23:10:51 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Hah! Jokes on you, I can't get laid.... Oh wait.
IronMaidenFan ยท 363 points ยท Posted at 11:15:30 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)*
My bosses boss is going to be Apollo
God of music, poetry, art, oracles, archery, plague, medicine, sun, light and knowledge
My direct boss will be Euterpe
Goddess (muse) of music.
And I'll be the god of Metal music, and it will be glorious!
theserpentsmiles ยท 103 points ยท Posted at 12:54:27 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Username checks out.
Quizzical_Questions ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 15:43:26 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Best friend of Amplify: god of electric instruments
Kiraven ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 17:06:38 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
this would be your hymn
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=v170acjyPws
Tyaust ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 18:08:10 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
We already have a god, his name is Dio and he died for the sins of those who play false metal.
IronMaidenFan ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 18:28:48 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Dio was the son, Bon Scott was the father and I'm the holy spirit.
GainzdalfTheWhey ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 18:08:14 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
You would have some sick temples, also cult preaching will gather multiple acolytes
DistributorOfPain ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 15:16:40 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Surely your divine name would be Eddie.
Burning_Ace ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 15:48:07 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Speaking of Eeddie, his new design on the "Book of souls" cover looks extremely awesome! Nice look for a god if you ask me.
Nithryok ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 14:48:34 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Please god of metal music, give us more voices like Rob Halford, and make the US metal sceen not suck!
[deleted] ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 17:51:33 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)*
[deleted]
IronMaidenFan ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:57:43 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Rob "Made of metal" Halford is my disciple and a voice of the divine.
IronMaidenFan ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 18:20:44 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Blasphemy, metal of any kind does not suck.
Now say 5 "Hallowed be thy name" and prey for Lemmy immortal soul.
wander_colossi ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:31:30 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
But we already have Ozzy and Bruce!
vashed ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 16:38:57 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
You forgot Lemmy, though it's already known that Lemmy is God
IronMaidenFan ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:24:54 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Steve Harris is my prophet and Bruce Dickinson is the voice of god.
pm_me_nudes_or_feet ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:38:16 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Dave Mustang is your evangilist.
redditho24602 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:05:49 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I feel like Vulcan will be hiding around the corners in Olympus and all his friends will make fun of him because he doesn't want to be a dick but your crush on him is just so obvious.
logarithmyk ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:33:27 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Donst fucks this up or yous be dildo in eyes of skwissgar
fuzzynyanko ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:37:36 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Nuclear Blast?
HailToTheThief225 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:43:19 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
7 DEADLY SINS
Tshirt_Addict ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:16:21 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
How long does it take Euterpe?
heisyounghewillwalk ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:36:49 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
How're you liking Iron Maiden's new album?
IronMaidenFan ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:59:15 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I love it!
lionalhutz ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:38:49 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
You will be worshiped at the Church of the Black Klok
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:52:42 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
You will never be Dio
fyreNL ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:07:07 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Someone here needs to play some more Brรผtal Legend.
zuzuotamutu ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 20:12:20 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Greek gods are cool, but Odin is the only trve god of metal music
NextArtemis ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 20:21:42 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
My internship would seem to be working with your boss's sister. Goddess of virginity? Yay...
I_am_a_Wookie_AMA ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 20:41:20 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Would you be working alongside Eminem? Seeing as he's the rap god and all?
Televisions_Frank ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 07:46:07 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I'm sorry, but Dio already has that position.
edit: nvm, expanded. I see thou hast been corrected.
Velcrocore ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 23:01:00 on September 24, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I feel like you'd have to intern in Christian Metal for 6 months un-paid first.
DCoder1337 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:10:14 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
So, you'll be The God That Failed?
TheDeza ยท -6 points ยท Posted at 15:20:31 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
You people are the worst.
Ohlo ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:04:21 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The absolute worst
punkrockscience ยท 19 points ยท Posted at 16:07:30 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I will be the goddess you pray to when you say "please please please, let it work this time...." Experiments, your pos car, that long shot on tinder, your fiftieth job application, the software patch that just must work, all those heartfelt, one-off prayers - that's me.
velkito ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 10:38:15 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
You would be a god much more important than a mere entry level position
VincentGrayson ยท 36 points ยท Posted at 11:51:03 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I am the god of reminding you about that thing you mentioned the other day that you needed to do at this time on this specific day but never remember because you've offloaded all appointment-related memory functions to me.
vol1123 ยท 11 points ยท Posted at 11:58:46 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
So...you're my phone.
VincentGrayson ยท 8 points ยท Posted at 12:03:00 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
No, because for whatever reason, you decided not to set a reminder on your phone either.
vol1123 ยท 7 points ยท Posted at 12:08:04 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
But I outsourced it to you... Maybe you should apply for the god of calendar events. Then you get it all.
theycallmejake ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:15:14 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Are you my phone?
Rhydnara ยท 17 points ยท Posted at 14:21:09 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Fluffy blankets and stuffed animals. Everything must be fluffy!
sinRes ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 19:22:06 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
And this will be your high priestess.
Barimen ยท 16 points ยท Posted at 14:39:43 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of diarrhea. Pair up with the god of sneezes for punishing the evil, the wicked, the bitchy and the rude. Especially those who take out on retail workers and baristas.
Thedutchjelle ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 17:50:12 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
You could be a pretty powerful God if you could cure all the third world from Cholera.
Gramage ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 21:27:18 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
What no love for bartenders? To whom do we make our offerings?
Barimen ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 21:50:48 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Sorry! I thought you fell under "baristas" clause. :-/
(Not a native speaker; the two are the same in my language.)
Gramage ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 22:03:21 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
All's good as long as my asshole customers get punished too. Just not in the bathrooms where I work, wait till they get home. :)
Barimen ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 22:10:48 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Of course not!
Diarrhetic sneezes MUST happen during the worst possible moments. During parties, most interesting movie/series scenes, foreplay, ultra-hard raids, match-deciding team-fights, ...
I wouldn't be an evil god. ;)
juliet8718 ยท 17 points ยท Posted at 16:06:55 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Goddess of Exact Change
secretpandalord ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 00:52:45 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I'd love to tithe, but could you break a twenty?
hugthemachines ยท 13 points ยท Posted at 14:29:16 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of good team work.
I provide only one benefit for sacrifice: "Everyone in the team will do their best."
You know you would love me.
TuzkiPlus ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 23:32:09 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Read that as "I provide benefit for only one sacrifice": "Everyone in the team will do their best."
I'm not bitter or anything...but what have I done to anger thee? ;-;
ChainsawSnuggling ยท 12 points ยท Posted at 15:50:59 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Twerkules, the Lord of Jiggle Butts
Deradius ยท 14 points ยท Posted at 20:07:58 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of Clamshell Packaging.
I sit at the right hand of Hades himself.
sk_2013 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 22:14:59 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Why hades? Do they package dead people in clamshell packaging?
[deleted] ยท 26 points ยท Posted at 14:28:27 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
[deleted]
LaBelleCommaFucker ยท 7 points ยท Posted at 16:58:42 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
And I shall be Spella, cursing those who don't proofread and correcting spelling errors with a glowing red pen. You can have Reddit- I have a bone to pick with Downy.
sanmon00 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 16:05:32 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Heil grammar Hitler!
NimirRaj ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 17:32:37 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
That's for a god with tenure
Maximum_Ordinate ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 16:41:28 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
But you, can do this?
Honzo427 ยท 12 points ยท Posted at 14:19:19 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The God of flat tires. Anyone who is a dick while driving or parking, gets flat tires.
HaywoodJablomie ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 15:50:17 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I must have angered you recently. 5 flats in the last year and 2 in the previous 15. Sorry.
Honzo427 ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 16:40:46 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
That was not of my doing. I'll question the god of serious bad luck.
werelock ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 17:23:33 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Might of also been the god of fuckery - he's been about lately...
gerusz ยท 12 points ยท Posted at 14:51:07 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of error messages. Pray for me enough and you'll find your problem on the first page of Google when you search for the error. Offend me by writing a program with non-informative error messages and I'll smite you with a similarly non-informative compilation error.
secretpandalord ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 00:53:44 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Thy Stack Overfloweth.
goldenranger10 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 23:57:57 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
And /u/gerusz cast the wicked into the lake of eternal errors and non-excepting faults, and as they asked Him why, He merely responded: "404".
gerusz ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 07:48:21 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Nah, 404 is too informative. 400 or 500, however...
goldenranger10 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 13:27:15 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
chilling
[deleted] ยท 12 points ยท Posted at 18:31:55 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of stretching your bank account just enough to make it to the next payday. You know the weeks where you have to make $13 last for four days until you get paid?
Please me and I'll bless you with goodness, like a rebate check you never remembered sending in, or amazing mileage on your car to stretch out that last tank of gas, or friends that show up to hang out and watch a movie and bring a pizza.
Displease me, and I will smite you with parking tickets, unexpected bills and overdraft fees.
tarna927 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 23:42:29 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I praise you, oh mighty one, for I have $16 until payday.
Ori15n ยท 11 points ยท Posted at 14:37:54 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Ori15n, God of college textbook sales. Pray to me for 15% off.
irrelevantsociallife ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 18:04:39 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Where the hell were you two weeks ago? Puny God...
Ori15n ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 19:55:24 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Well. The god of good dorm roommates was in need of help. We had to make sure this one huy didn't end up with a Bronie.
irrelevantsociallife ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 20:33:46 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Fair enough.
mrspoogemonstar ยท 10 points ยท Posted at 16:52:32 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I am Dysfunctus, god of unfavorable peer reviews.
LightOfVictory ยท 12 points ยท Posted at 17:38:18 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of The Art of Unsticking One's Ballsack in Public
misternumberone ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 21:08:32 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
are you also the god of hiding random boners in public
LightOfVictory ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:04:59 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Sorry, I couldn't care less about hard dicks in public
rovirb ยท 10 points ยท Posted at 19:13:44 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The goddess of autocorrect. Pray to me, and I'll make sure "penis" doesn't slip into a conversation with your boss. Make me angry, and it will be in every text you send to your mom.
CeeJaY97 ยท 7 points ยท Posted at 13:52:27 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of awkward silences in elevators/lifts.
If you enter alone, I will send someone in.
sailorbuffy ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:32:41 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
That goes double for if you entered alone and farted
diggeriodo ยท 10 points ยท Posted at 14:49:38 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
the tetris god!
PineappleGuard ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 16:05:27 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
LIIIIIIINNEEE PIEEEEECCEEEE!!!
KnashDavis ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:45:40 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
How dare you.
[deleted] ยท 7 points ยท Posted at 16:13:49 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Libris, Goddess of finding the perfect book at the right time. Too many people have walked away from good books because they found them at the wrong time. No more will this injustice be tolerated! I shall bring you the literature you need.
shrubsnbushes ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 16:14:54 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Praise be to Libris!!!
Sarge490 ยท 8 points ยท Posted at 18:06:22 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The God of Terms and Conditions. I'm the one you pray to when you hope that screen you clicked accept on didn't sign away the rights to your kidney.
[deleted] ยท 7 points ยท Posted at 15:51:28 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The God of things randomly being in the way, like when you are walking and stub your toe on a table that you could have swore was farther over. Or when you are walking and some how shoulder bump the corner of your wall when you could have swore you walked straight. So you must SWEAR TO ME
Hi_Im_Lenny ยท 7 points ยท Posted at 19:14:45 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I am Lenny, Lord of the DMV waiting line. Please me and your trip will be swift and pleasant. Anger me and I'll make sure you spend two hours waiting in line at the wrong section.
tomholder ยท 15 points ยท Posted at 12:02:01 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Well I'm hoping to take Dionysus's position as God of wine. but I'll have to work my way up. Here are the positions i must have passed:
but for now I'll have to take the job
Jeff9Man ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 14:05:17 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Thursdays. I would be the God of Thursdays.
TastyBrainMeats ยท 14 points ยท Posted at 14:47:55 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Isn't that already Thor? They're Thor's Days.
Jeff9Man ยท 8 points ยท Posted at 15:30:13 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Yeah, but Thor has some really cool powers.
I would just be able to allow the occasional person skip the day and go from Wednesday to Friday.
cublins ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:09:11 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I like you
Jeff9Man ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:44:39 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I know.
MFoy ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 18:20:02 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
"I never did get the hang of Thursdays."
hometimrunner ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 14:18:41 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I would like to be the god of biscuits...is that available?
Oh...no, I am sorry. Here, let me introduce you to Jeff, THE GOD OF BISCUITS!!
TheAlbinoNinja ยท 7 points ยท Posted at 15:51:30 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of deadlines. A nice white goat and some supplication might get you an extension.
holyerthanthou ยท 9 points ยท Posted at 17:03:33 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I'd be the God of old people candies.
I bless the elderly with magical and delicious hard candies that seem to be inexhaustible... Yet unobtainable by anyone under the age of 62.
I shall bless rhe with large economy bags of Werthers, Strawberry hard candies, and those weird pumpkin candies. As long as you give them to all of your progeny.
Doubt me Gertrude and I will replace them all with black liquorices and off brand jelly beans.
oliviathecf ยท 7 points ยท Posted at 18:54:15 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Well, I'm the Goddess of Reception. So, to those out there who greet everyone who walks in the door, from Wal-Mart greeters to high-end office buildings and everything in between, they pray to me.
And, if the offering is good, their shoes will always be comfortable but not ugly (important if a part of your job is looking good), the people you're greeting will mostly be nice and they will be few and far between.
For those who's job it is to look nice, your hair will brush out nicely and not require any extra effort to look good, and your eyeliner will be the tasteful medium between too thick and too thin. For our male receptionists out there (Yes, you do exist! The Goddess sees all!), your tie shall always be straight and your shirts be wrinkle free! And, if you have a computer in front of you, the tasteless NSFW askreddit questions will be few and far between, and, instead, you shall get creative and interesting questions to peek through and keep you entertained for hours on end.
However, if you curse my name, you shall be given rude customers that blow right by you or act like you're going to rob them. Your eyeliner will be crooked and too thick and your shirts will be wrinkled and your ties will be crooked. And all that AskReddit will offer to you will be distasteful NSFW questions or the same reposts, and all the responses will be shit-tier memes. And your boss will ask you to stay late, even though the place closes at six on the weekends.
Maybe I'll be able to work my way up through the ropes and become the Goddess of Sales or even the Goddess of IT. But, for now, I shall be the Goddess of Reception.
BillHicksDied4UrSins ยท 10 points ยท Posted at 12:04:30 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The God of connecting high fives and solid hand shakes
barkos ยท 12 points ยท Posted at 14:19:00 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of minor Annoyances.
Like pushing the remote controllers slightly out of your reach whenever you are sitting comfortably. That kind of shit would be hilarious.
TastyBrainMeats ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 14:51:21 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of remembering that thing that was just on the tip of your tongue.
Songs, phone numbers, just the right word to use - those in my favor will never be at a loss.
A small god, but a helpful one.
Stagamemnon ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 16:23:16 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Pillows and other fluffy comfort stuff. I'm in charge of snuggles and keeping the other side of the pillow cool for you. But be careful- my wrath is mighty. Don't appreciate me? I'll prick you with the pointy end of a feather poking through your down comforter. I'll pop a seem on your favorite stuffed animal. I will SURREPTITIOUSLY CHANGE YOUR SLEEP NUMBER!
wakebakey ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 16:49:52 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I'm the god of posts that garner neither comments nor karma. Most of you I forgive, you know who you are.
QueenofDemo ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 17:04:14 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I would be the Goddess of hidden money/treasure.
You did the laundry-- Good for you! I stuck that 20$ you forgot about into the pocket. If you fold those pants up nicely you're gonna find it!
You decided to clean your room, the Goddess is pleased. Here's that game you thought you lost 3 years ago. Enjoy, faithful servant.
Merkinempire ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 18:05:04 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)*
โIn the end, there was a perfect beginning!โ
Dustin laughed and wiped crumbs off his apron into a trashcan.
โWell at least thatโs what I always say. Sounds sort of godly, right?โ
The newcomer to the kitchen pursed their lips and nodded in agreement while struggling not to roll their eyes.
โSo youโre the new God of Bed Linen, huh?โ Dustin asked. โThatโs a nice one โ rolling around on fresh bed linen and smelling detergent all day. Gotta love the way a freshly stretched sheet on a bed looks. Almost so perfect you donโt want to sit on it or wrinkle it, especially when you get it perfectly folded just under where your fluffed, but square pillow with 90-degree corners sits. I mean, someone has to do it I suppose. I completely lucked out though.โ
Dustin took a serrated knife from a knife block and began to carefully saw into a well-baked loaf of sourdough bread.
โI mean โ when I was alive I had a touch of obsessive-compulsive, and everything had to be juuuuustโฆ.sooooo,โ he said while he removed the perfectly sliced piece of bread.
โI was worried when I saw the others. I mean you know how it is at first. I barely came up to the top of their toenails.โ
The newcomer looked at the stacks of sliced bread stacked up in even rows, taking on the appearance of a bread fortress.
โThey told me the more people you get to worship you, the bigger you get,โ the Lord of Bed Linen said.
Dustin cursed and held a slice of bread up to the radiant sunlight. He poked a finger through a twisted oval hole in the center. He shook his head in disappointment, threw it into the air and it ignited in a flash and vanished.
โDo you know the secret to making perfect toast?โ Dustin asked the Linen Lord.
โNuh-uh.โ
โYou let it stand in the air for just the right amount of time, then even convection heat. There are varying degrees of perfection, but with a one-inch slice, a russet brown will yield a depth of to-the-tooth texture and roasted flavor.โ
The Lord of Linen nodded, feigning interest.
โThatโs just simply wild.โ
Dustin looked up and noticed the glassy-eyed gaze of the Linen Lord.
โBeing the Lord of Perfectly Toasted Toast isnโt a position to be taken lightly, Mr. Linen. It is a science โ an absolute science. Toast is metaphysical. Toast is heavenly. Toast is a symbol of which you shouldnโt jest! Toast is about creating perfection and then disassociating yourself from its existence. You create and relish in its undoing.โ
Edit* I realized afterward this wasn't writing prompts. Ah well!
RobKhonsu ยท 7 points ยท Posted at 20:00:47 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of the comma, and semicolon; I like to use them a lot more than most.
Mnemonix23 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 20:03:31 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Please tell me you use the Oxford comma?
RobKhonsu ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 20:37:02 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Yes, but academically correct grammar is not the most important reason to use them in the modern era. They should be used to better convey the speech cadence the author intends; for clarity, intent, and emphasis.
timpinen ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 22:18:24 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of semicolons; I will forever mess with peoples code and sentence structure
LearningLifeAsIGo ยท 12 points ยท Posted at 11:01:57 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Cell phone towers.
o0moultonlava0o ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 16:16:04 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Solid choice. You could really ruin someone's day
bean9914 ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 17:28:29 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
O god, why hast thou forsaken me?
sinister_shoggoth ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 00:21:11 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Why would the God of Cell Phone Towers have a Mushroom Fetish? I need to hear the story behind this so as to make sense of the new Pantheon.
Lost_Llama ยท 10 points ยท Posted at 11:02:08 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of empty glasses of beer. Give me a good prayer and I shall refill that glass to your heart's content.
OldManPhill ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 16:36:11 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
He said entry level, not supreme overlord
bud_babe ยท 11 points ยท Posted at 15:28:41 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I would be Goddess of the Crumbly Nug you find right before you re-up. Although you'll have to be out of weed for a few days, the sight of a slightly dried out nug with virtually no cat hair on it will be like manna in the desert.
mrcolon96 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 17:12:29 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I wanna thank you for making my life less shitty
bud_babe ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:18:04 on September 13, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Smoke one bowl a day to me and your life will be full of Crumbly Nugs!!
[deleted] ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 13:59:45 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The God of mis/not understanding what people are talking about.
YnotZornberg ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 22:18:17 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
what do you mean?
crimson-adl ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 14:49:02 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of why did I walk in to this room?
Pray to me and I will help you remember
Bonerkiin ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 15:24:40 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I'd become the god of long weekends. Everyone would love me and I'd only have to to some work a few times a year.
ndorox ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 16:07:59 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of coincidence, because it would be fun to blow people's minds all day.
balancetheuniverse ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 16:11:30 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Ironicus, God of Irony
RandomFlotsam ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:27:28 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
But would you be the actual God of Irony? Or would you really be the god of incongruity, you know under deeper inspection?
greyjackal ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:48:56 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Like Bronzicus and Goldicus, only made of iron?
ComputerSavvy ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:22:41 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Strike while the irony is hot!
granite_grizz ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 16:37:00 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Fetishes.
RetroHacker ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 16:59:00 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I would be the god of laser printers and photocopiers. Appease me (I accept caffeinated beverages and very old computers and other interesting tech), and treat your printers with respect, and live at peace with your paper-pushing devices, with clear printouts, easy to understand error messages and plenty of warning before the toner runs out. But anger me and face my crinkled, smeared wrath! Report due in three hours? Hah! Have some Error 49.4C06! Need 30 copies for the class you're teaching in ten minutes? PAPER JAM, but with no paper stuck! Hahahaha! I might even team up with the god of paper cuts if you've been especially naughty.
Pourtaste ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 17:19:57 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I am Pang, the God of regrets from ten years ago. If you are too content with your life I will remind you of that stupid thing you said that one time.
Wow-im-online ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 19:14:46 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The God of wifi.
I will lag your connection while watching porn if you piss me off.
AntiChr1st ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 21:39:34 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
There is no better way to get the measure of a man than to hand him a laggy internet connection
RufusSaltus ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 08:01:13 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Based on the number of prayers that people make to wifi, there is no way I would consider that a minor position.
milkyjoe241 ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 19:19:50 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of Grapes
Over time I become the god of wine.
I find the god of tits and we party.
SgtShrapnel ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 20:00:10 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The god the determines how much your fast food looks like it does on the menu board. I'm already pretty shit at my job
Pistacheeo ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 20:08:18 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I'm the god of jeans that make that weird popping sound in the crotch fabric when you walk. I am a spiteful god and am unrelenting.
zombiekamikaze ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 22:16:08 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The God of Trivial and Mostly Useless Knowledge. Pray to me and sacrifice some of your free time upon the fires of 90s sitcom DVD bonus features and I shall ensure your team wins free beer and wings at the bar's trivia night! When you want to seem smart and impress your date, but fail to get laid because you made them feel stupid, call upon me with the holy mantra, "well, actually."
LaughingVergil ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 22:17:16 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
As the God of Suppressing Inappropriate Laughter, if you are in my favor, that comment that struck you as hilarious at the funeral, in the board meeting, when presenting your doctoral thesis, or while listening to the policeman that might let you off with a warning will NOT irresistibly cause you to laugh inappropriately. Instead, I absorb the laughter, leaving you amused but in control.
My continuous laughter from helping my favored is a strategic ploy to drive the somewhat-less-minor deity above me slowly mad. When he goes around the bend, I will absorb his duties as well. And so on, up the chain of command, until...
Power, Power, POWER! ALL LAUGHTER SHALL BE MY DOMAIN!
IncendiaryGames ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 22:55:56 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I'd be the god of dice. To most people it would be so what. To D&D players and gamblers I'd be the most worshiped.
Endertj ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 00:38:30 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I would start as the God of Items Just Out Of Reach. You know, when you drop something into a hard to get to area, and you can just barely grab it?
My doing.
Of course, I would also place items so that you can brush them with your fingertips, but can't actually get them.
The other gods would, of course, not see what I plan.
Eventually, with the gathered power of those I aid, I would be able to cause anything to be just out of reach.
Even the power of other Gods.
No one would be able to stand against me. The ability to bring me down would be...
Just out of reach
[deleted] ยท 8 points ยท Posted at 12:02:48 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of floaters. If you see floaters in your vision at any time, it is me bestowing my blessings upon you.
greyjackal ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:46:44 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Dunno about the US but here in the UK we refer to a poo that sits on the surface and won't flush as a floater :p
PewPewLaserPewPew ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 14:55:11 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I'm the god that keeps count of all the hairs on everyone's head. It sucks, it takes so much time and all I'm ever doing is updating a mundane spreadsheet that can't possible matter to anyone. I don't think any other gods even review it other than open it up to make sure it exists then close it. They never even review one of the 7 billion people on the fucking spreadsheet.
rand486 ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 15:31:23 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of Excel.
That program can do anything - I love it.
HaywoodJablomie ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 15:52:49 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Not quite. I tried creating a series of calculations that would generate the chances of me getting laid. It can't divide by zero.
rand486 ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 15:55:19 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
=IFERROR(A1/A2, 'You'll be lonely forever')
[deleted] ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 17:11:12 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Can I Play Dota ?
rand486 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:46:40 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
https://www.reddit.com/r/DotA2/comments/2n4u9v/i_made_a_dota_2_team_management_excel_sheet/
hollythorn101 ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 15:34:45 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I will be Bullshiticus, goddess of bullshitting all things.
tinyjb ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 15:51:01 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
RNGesus. Imagine, just one 1% crit rune while critting almost every time... Yw ;)
Dylamb ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 09:32:25 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Prays to you.
Bigmurph762 ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 15:51:32 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I'd be the god of netflix and chill. Unwanted babies across the world would give me power.
americangame ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 16:00:08 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
My boss will be Hades, God of Death.
I'll be the God of the Blue Screen of Death.
fenix_nigger ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 16:02:59 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of sandwiches
ryuzaki49 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 22:59:05 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God, make me a sandwich.
skyboundzuri ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 16:07:26 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I'd be the God of Starting Cars. When you're out there in the cold, cranking your ignition, listening to that "chuuuugugugu... chuuuugugugu..." and you're saying "come on... not today..."
... suddenly your car will start. I'm there for you.
Dylamb ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:18:47 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
thanks mate!
StonedMarkReaction ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 16:07:31 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I am Dave, God of all the little pieces of weed people drop throughout there life. I'm also the reason resin gets you out of a bind. You may thank me now.
Sirsilentbob423 ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 16:08:41 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The god of partial ideas.
Pray to me and I will give you half of a great idea for songs, movies, jobs, ect.
Disregard me and I will plague your mind with half baked nonsense.
morphotomy ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:15:00 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
holy SHIT
[deleted] ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 16:08:42 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I am the Goddess of the spork.
edit:autocorrect.
[deleted] ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 16:11:26 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The god of apathetically browsing the internets.
RandomFlotsam ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:27:50 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I already worship you.
spenway18 ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 16:11:57 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I shall be the God of catching things that "might" break if you knock it on the floor but will probably be ok. You catch that plastic salt shaker? Catch your keys on top of your foot? You're welcome
Tromben ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 16:11:57 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of tossing things into the waste basket from across the room. You know that douche from work that tries to throw his water bottle into the trash and misses but keeps going till he makes it? I will intervene, creating a small gust of wind every time he throws it so that it never goes in. He will spend the rest of his days trying to toss trash into the waste basket, eventually dying of starvation, thus ridding the world of a douche, one "Kobe!" at a time.
ahmc84 ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 16:13:02 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I choose to be the God of lost library books.
Millze ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 16:29:44 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I'd be zeus's underling, Sizzle, the God of electric fly swatters. May all nuisance bugs fear my tennis Racquet of lightning. Rejoice in the smell of burnt hair and dead flies.
Dr_Winston_O_Boogie ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 16:36:47 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I'll be the the god of the random onion ring you get in your fries. I think I'll get a lot of worshippers that way and later on I might expand to god of the extra fries at the bottom of the bag.
GreyInkling ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 16:37:09 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The god of "that rattling noise you hear inside your car but can't figure out the source of, and it gets worse when you drive on the highway" and also "the squeaking noise your brakes make at night when driving through a quiet neighborhood."
Make an offering of a cup of coffee and a bagel and leave them on top of your car once a week and check your tires every day with a prayer in my name or else suffer my wrath.
kateemo ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 17:03:38 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)*
Parking spots.
Jerks who take up multiple parking spots, park too closely to another car, or use a handicap spot without needing it would all be given their comeuppance. Mainly in the form of thinking a spot is open and then ealizing it's just a smart car pulled all the way up. And those who park properly, and respectfully will be blessed with super close open spots when they most need them.
9-1-Holyshit ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 17:13:48 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I am the God of public restroom toilet paper. The heathens and non believers shall be cursed to only seven sheets of wet, one ply TP following a massive moist bowel evacuation.
A_Russian_Otter ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 17:16:29 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I'd claim God of Movie theatres. Sacrifice to me and I'll ensure a quiet, phone free experience. As well as the occasional free popcorn.
To0n1 ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 17:19:37 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I would be the god of Coffee Filters. If things are good and well, then you receive multiple of my bounty. I will always be there for you, when other things are not. I am the saving grace of your office kitchen. However, you will know my wrath if you have screwed something up, as I will remove my bounty from your grace.
damien665 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:37:42 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Better yet would be the Wrathe of the Clogged Coffee Filter, pouring gallons of coffee all over the counter instead of the 8 cups you wanted to make in the pot.
delnoob ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 17:19:56 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)*
I would be the god of decibel levels when you're trying to be quiet in the middle of the night. piss me off and the microwave will beep louder than when your fire alarm goes on "low battery warning status".
Mrproven ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 17:21:43 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I would be the God of lighter returns.
As in you lend somebody ur pocket lighter for a minute but they "accidentally" pocket it, after they leave your immediate vicinity they lighter would just apparate back into your pocket.
The thief may also receive a small shock for taking it but then also a strike anywhere match for no one should be without a way to blaze.
spirito_santo ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 17:25:09 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I'm amazed it isn't taken already: TRAFFIC LIGHTS.
Bring me virgins and you shall have green lights all the way to work on your Monday morning. I work in close tandem with my buddy the God of Coffee.
nancylikestoreddit ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 17:25:13 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The god of Pearly Whites. Your devotion to me makes it easier to get rid of plaque by flossing. And teeth are white despite drinking coffee or smoking.
Noidis ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 17:29:38 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I'd be the god of Morning Rituals. From the second your eyes open, to that last sip of coffee before you head out... Praying to me will be your way of ensuring it never ever changes.
ModernMyth ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:42:31 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Will making a bagel sacrifice ensure good traffic flow on the way to work?
Noidis ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 21:53:18 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Depends on the amount of cream cheese you offer with it. If you throw the ratio out of whack, you will forever be cursed with morning hair that sticks up and wont go down.
WulfTek ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 17:31:59 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Probably the God of Complaining About Shitty Yearly Video Game Releases.
Stares angrily at EA Sports
woeful_haichi ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 17:35:15 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The god of peeling oranges. Show reverence and the orange peel will come off in one continuous strip. Lag in your devotion and you'll have teeny tiny pieces coming off bit by minuscule bit.
JarbaloJardine ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 17:47:27 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The Goddess of minor life bonuses...so I can't help you win the lotto, but maybe the cashier gives you extra change...or 2 snickers fall out the vending machine, your favorite jam is playing and every light you hit is green. The little gifts from the universe, because today's the day you could use the bar to forget to charge you for the round of shots you ordered.
AaronTheAlright ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 18:53:03 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of Bowel Movements. What a shit job.
Vegglimer ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 19:03:11 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I've dreamt of this question for eons:
Queue supervisor
I will be the guardian of all things queued. Any soul that lines up behind another without cutting or being a dick shall be under my protection. I shall safeguard the obedient and respectful, and smite the disrespectful and dickish.
Basically, I'll be the guy standing there with a german shepherd in one hand and a baton in the other, whacking anyone who doesn't respect the line. And every time I hit someone, I shout what Chandler from Friends would: "WHA-PAH!!!"
I've put some thought into this.
jk01 ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 19:06:35 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I'd be the God of that horrible cramp in your foot that feels like a nuclear war is happening in your muscles.
[deleted] ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 19:12:24 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I would be the God of That Thing Where You're Just About To Sneeze, But Then Your Friend is All "Hey, what's up?" And You Suddenly Freeze. But Then You Still Have That Nose Tingle, It's A Horrible Tease, And You're Like "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK!"
Obligatory Link to Album
Lord-Ragnarock ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 19:12:35 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The IT God. Pray to me for a fast call and competent client.
alphanimal ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 19:19:56 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I'm Diagnosius, the God of troubleshooting.
Malik_Killian ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 19:26:51 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of Giving a Shit.
I have to inspire the mortals to get over the mundanity of their lives and do the things they really don't want to do but need to get done. It fucking sucks.
LeastUnderstoodHater ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 19:55:22 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I would be the god of turn signals and boy will I smite thee if you dont fucking use them right.
Snugglor ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 20:00:04 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I would be the god of dipping biscuits/cookies in tea.
Pray to me and I'll ensure just the right melty quality every time.
Anger me and those biscuits will become soggy and fall into your beverage, ruining biscuit, drink and your mood.
PuffinGreen ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 20:11:29 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The God of Procrastination. I'd get nothing done, and I'd be living up to what's expected of me.
Jepas ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 20:17:15 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The God of quick comebacks.
If you are devout and pray to me, I will concede you smart comebacks to fire immediately when in an argument.
Anger me and you will only remember the perfect comeback the day after the argument when you're in the shower.
two_dogs_stuck ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 20:20:21 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of juryrig. Like when your shoelace snaps and you tie the ends together until you can get a new one, or that time I was really drunk and fashioned an awesome spoon out of a takeaway carton lid to eat the fried rice within.
SanderMCMXCIII ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 20:24:08 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The god of teenage lingo. Praise me and you shall totally get what Stacy said to Jeanne. Anger me and forever be a quirping dingleberry!
Donut_of_Patriotism ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 20:50:06 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Kinda late but... God of the Retail Slaves!!
I here the cries of my followers. If they are good i shall bless them with pleasant customers, if they displease me a hoard of angry "let me see your manager" people for you. If you are good but run upon a rude customer, may they be mildly inconvienced when trying to leave the store.
[deleted] ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 21:27:36 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I am Egghh, God of unnecessary conversations.
Are you about leave after paying for your groceries? The old woman scanning your groceries wants to talk to you about how she forgot to take her meds, the names of her cats and asks you if you visit your grandparents and why her grandchildren never come by.. also many other unnecessary things she has to tell you.
Are you at the gas station at 8:47am filling up all quiet and stuff? Here's a white trash wangsta with a red neck accent, 5 of his front teeth missing all wanting to talk to you in Ebonics about ... Well you can't understand him really except for the part where he tells you about how he killed his ex wife's dog and burned it in her front yard and then stops to tell you how great of a person you are and how he wishes he had friends like you and then procedes to tell you about the time he was in prison.
It can also go good if you pray to me like you know.... Random hot people will flirt with you.. but that's only if you're in my good graces.
DylantheMango ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 22:08:17 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I am the god of that thing you're trying to remember but can't. I strike the hardest during my enemies tests!
jax9999 ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 22:10:05 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Tits and wine of course.
underbridge ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 22:18:37 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The God of Technology.
It's merely a fad I would say to Zeus, and then my true power would begin.
PM_ME_TOPLESSPICS ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 22:21:05 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The god of hitting the snooze button. If you appease me, your 5 extra minutes will be the most restful sleep you have ever gotten. If you piss me off your alarm gets 300% louder and doesn't shut off.
[deleted] ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 22:21:05 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
OIL CHANGES
mlkelty ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 22:50:11 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I'll be the God of Small Breaks in Opposing Traffic So You Can Turn.
Praise me by using your vehicle's indicator lights and yea, I shall make my countenance known upon ye and part the sea of cars from your path.
[deleted] ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 23:49:59 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The god of mind your own damn business. I'd wear a blindfold and my alter would be divided by small, individual cubicles in which you pray.
samurailawngnome ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 00:18:00 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Bad shits.
Guaranteed prayer time.
IcemanofEA ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 00:39:36 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Seeing as the god of tits and wine is taken I'd have to be the god of Moobs
RICKY_Nicholoff ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 00:44:18 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of pooping, not poop itself, but the act of pooping. Those who displease me will be cursed with the runs and colon cancer
JewshBag ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 00:53:37 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The god of Wifi! I would be a cruel, unforgiving god.
LordLoss2 ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 00:59:23 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of Undetected Farts. Thine whiffs shall be wafted away by my whims. If thous smelt it, I shall decree that it is thou that dealt it.
zasabi7 ยท 7 points ยท Posted at 11:54:53 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The god of USB position. When you plug it in right the first time, that's thanks to me.
cinderful ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 16:08:56 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Your kingdom will soon be destroyed by the luminous God of USB-C
Christian_Vindy ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 13:33:47 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The God off jerking off.
ImperatorTempus42 ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 19:25:19 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Priapus?
Christian_Vindy ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 20:10:58 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Oh Shit Is that already a god?
ImperatorTempus42 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 00:50:03 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Yep! Roman god of basically everything penis-related, and his symbol was the phallus, often in winged form.
Christian_Vindy ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 01:13:28 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Damn! Thanks for the information, now I know what I really want to be when I grow up.
ImperatorTempus42 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 02:25:06 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Welcome! And if anything, he could be made into a Christian Saint (see: Saint Brigid) of some group, and then you could just take his name as a(nother) middle name!
RufusSaltus ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 07:59:12 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Actually, I'm pretty sure that masturbation falls under the preview of Hermes. Diogenes of Sinope (albeit jokingly) credits the god with inventing masturbation and teaching it to Pan.
ImperatorTempus42 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 11:17:46 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Ah. Right, 'messenger'...
PlausibleBadAdvice ยท 8 points ยท Posted at 22:16:53 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I would be the God of waking up on time when you forget to set an alarm the night before. Behold my awesome power!
4tehlulzez ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 16:39:57 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
This has already happened to /u/GallowBoob. He is the minor diety of upvotes.
DrDew00 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 21:36:19 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
OMG. Apparently I've upvoted Gallowboob 32 times.
TheRealSilverBlade ยท 23 points ยท Posted at 13:10:05 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of Coffee.
Your Welcome
Radvila ยท 76 points ยท Posted at 14:22:24 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
My welcome?
OneArmedMidget ยท 7 points ยท Posted at 15:26:36 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
It's all yours buddy
s0a7 ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 16:05:32 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The God of Punctuation and Grammar has arrived!
Albi90 ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 16:12:12 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
No, his welcome.
Bio_Hazardous ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 16:31:40 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Go home dad.
Leecannon_ ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 16:50:27 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
No, MY welcome
moltenrock ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 17:03:00 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
What - you think all baristas finish jr. college ?
Dirtypete_ ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:25:21 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
No coffee for you.
ragingnerd ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 14:28:47 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Hey there buddy, looks like I'm going to be your cubicle neighbor, God of Coffee Machines here, I think we're going to be collaborating quite a bit.
Throtex ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 16:08:02 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Mr. Coffee ascended??
damien665 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 18:28:57 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
So, you guys are going to stop, collaborate, and listen?
ragingnerd ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 22:08:28 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
More like percolate.
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:07:27 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Oh holiest of gods. Why do you curse a honest but tired delivery drivers with piss water from vending machines at rest stops, and bless asshole BMW drivers with Starbucks?
TheRealSilverBlade ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 16:54:10 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I'm not the God of Fairness, he's on the next floor
fuzzynyanko ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 17:39:08 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Starbucks is a blessing?
You can make your own coffee if you are resourceful enough at a quality that rivals Starbucks
[deleted] ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 13:57:17 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of procrastination. Do not anger me, or your paper will be shit. Actually I'm late for class right now, so I may have already angered it.
KHanau ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 14:03:52 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The light turning green or red at the right time.
[deleted] ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 14:05:27 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of this video is not available in your country. I shall be called Domesticus. When I decide to pick on somebody, not even VPN can save them.
Marklithikk ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 14:22:43 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Videogames. I am MarklithikK, the god of videogames. I distribute bkessings, in game and real world, for sake of souls be hooked up in the random numbers enough so they don't suspect anything. Know my child, when I blessed that kid with a Gall, a Vex, a Surros and a Redeath I did it to be ironic, that kid doesn't know what to do with them. Through the random numbers of game and life I also punsish those who tea bag and those who steal or destroy just to fuck people over.
LemonCrispies ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 14:26:20 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of bad smells.
Shakyor ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 14:27:20 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Id be the god of content.
Id actually be alright with that.
MagicalFairyPrincess ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 14:36:40 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Waffles!
Clearly_a_fake_name ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 15:02:52 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of convenient coincidences.
Running late? Well it just so happens that you got green lights all the way.
Saw a girl on the bus that smiled at you? Well it just so happens that you will meet her again.
Sniper shooting at you? Well it just so happens your shoe laces need tieing.
Eventually, I will essentially become the god of fate. Nobody will escape me.
Toppo ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 15:03:37 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of the Mysteries of the Fridge. When you go to the fridge without having anything specific in mind to eat, there will be something just appropriate for you to eat, but only if you give sacrifices to the Mysteries of the Fridge.
[deleted] ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 15:05:26 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The God of Cords.
Praise me and thyne cords shall always lay side-to-side, as if destined to march together at an even pace.
Displease me and a knot upon thy house. Did you merely just place your cords down a second ago? KNOT. Walking down the street innocently? KNOT.
My power also extends to extension cords, Christmas lights and shoe laces.
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:42:53 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I was thinking the same: blessings to those who follow the proper winding ritual, or be cursed with an endless tangle of Xmas lights.
knotafan ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 15:14:36 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The God of Place Settings
JustAMann30 ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 15:19:37 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The God of restocking toilet paper. I love helping people in their most desperate hour
motionmatrix ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 15:24:17 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I am now God of awkward silences. As the world becomes ever more connected, my power grows beyond my imagining; soon I will be able to add schadenfreude to my divine portfolio.
Odin_Blessed ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 15:25:19 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The god of knowing which god one needs to praise. Everyone will know me, and if you upset me, you will praise the wrong god, thus upseting them. Muahaha
xantxant ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 15:30:03 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of spilling a drink on yourself. I'll work my way up to God of Storms.
LilAufder ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 15:32:52 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of Picking Up On Subtle Sexual Hints.
moronictransgression ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 15:35:15 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Pimples. None of the existing Gods would claim them, but I'd get my foot in the door with just about everyone, with everyone begging me to remove them. I think only the God of Sex would be more popular.
laughterwithans ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 15:48:19 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I'm going to shamelessly plug a short film I made about how mundane it must be to be the god that ferries souls into the afterlife, a lรก Charon. Enjoy
I would be the God of causing something embarrassing to happen to someone right after they do something impressive. Sweet Guitar Solo? Better check those shoelaces. Successfully tossed paper into the trashcan from across the room? Better not lean too far back in your chair.
BeardsHaveFeelings2 ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 15:50:44 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of I Hope My Neighbors Wi-fi Isn't Password Protected
rokudaimehokage ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 15:51:30 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Blankets. I'll be the softest motherfucker there and all the bitches will cuddle with me.
Dylamb ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 09:32:49 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
how do I pray to you?
rokudaimehokage ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:29:47 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Wrap your arms around yourself and chant X Gon Give It To Ya and I shall appear with an arm full of huge soft ass blankets.
rya11111 ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 15:56:48 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
How many years of experience does the Entry-Level position need ?
cats_pal ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 15:58:18 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Goddess of Bobby Pins. Every time you find one its like a little blessing!
alex3omg ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 20:51:44 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of remembering to put drinks in the fridge 2 hours before you're thirsty.
doonkune ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 20:51:49 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of Sauce Packets. If you displease me, you will never get the right sauce packets in your drive thru fast food order.
Kognit0 ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 20:52:16 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of Procrastination
DUTCH_M0NEY ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 20:52:26 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I would have to go with thick bitches and tacos. Because who doesn't like thick bitches and tacos.
Knobbser ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 20:52:27 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
god of memes
san_serifs ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 20:52:36 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I am Saint Stapler, the God of Office Supplies.
[deleted] ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 20:52:58 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
To-do lists. Just imagine the power...
doctor_x ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 20:53:00 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I would be God of Reddit. I'll accept all your tithings in Bitcoin.
Golden_Phi ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 20:53:47 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The god of irrational numbers such as pi
general-Insano ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 20:54:05 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The god of snow shoveling and getting a shelf of snow in one pass leaving clean surface underneath
[deleted] ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 20:54:06 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of knowing how to select and write a perfect birthday card.
slektninger ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 20:54:45 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Anything I would actually want to be would put Dionysus out of a job.
electricdwarf ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 20:54:52 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of Little Debbie Cream Pies. UGH they delish
electricdwarf ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 20:55:07 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
If you piss me off ill make sure the oatmeal is stale.
Pilotted ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 20:55:15 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Driving etiquette.
Win my favor by signaling properly and not being a dick and I'll do what I can to get you green lights through town.
belloch ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 20:55:41 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The God of Your Mother.
hehheh, "every-day"...
AustinYQM ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 20:55:48 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of hitting only green lights on the way to work.
Awkwardlittleboy2112 ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 20:56:01 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I choose to take the mantle of the god of Things Stuck in Drawers. Sorry, Anoia.
Darkrell ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 20:56:20 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The God of job interviews, I will dictate if you do well in your interview or not and I am the ultimate decider of who gets the job!
[deleted] ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 20:56:38 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
You know how you were trying to think of the perfect song to play next in the car? A song that would not only be aurally pleasurable but also lets everyone in your presence know, "damn, ____ has good taste in music," or has everyone going "Hey ____, what's the name of this song?" All of a sudden, it pops into your head seemingly from nowhere.
Well it's me, god of good music aka the hands of zeus aka the cocaine biceps aka Tony Stark comin atcha raw.
mrcleatus ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 20:56:48 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The God of Will Something Dropped Land Directly On Your Foot.
Sutanreyu ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 20:57:33 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Poops and the process of recycling things in general. Like the water cycle. And souls.
[deleted] ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 20:57:49 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I'd be the goddess of traffic. If you're good to me your life will be blessed with green lights that you think are going to stay red until right before you reach them. If you are bad to me your life will be stuck in standstills.
postmodest ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 20:57:56 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I'd be The God of Words On The Tip of Your Tongue"... prayers to me would result in you remembering the word.
"It's like when in Ghostbusters, that--crap... that one actor... uh... Oh Lord /u/Postmodest, Blessed be thy na--ERNIE HUDSON... When Ernie Hudson[...]"
gliscor885 ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 20:58:07 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I'd like to be the God of Minor Yet Still Irritating Pains. It'd be give fun to give jerks what they have coming. Maybe give em 4 or 5 toe stubs per day and throw in mild stomach cramps.
thearticulategrunt ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 20:58:08 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
No joke intended, erections. My name will be in the heart of every man straight, gay or other as well as that of the majority of their partners. While rapists and child molesters will never rise again and curse me, my faith will spread through all of humanity as the prayers and thanks to me shall put all other gods to shame.
Childishaudino ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 20:58:21 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Not really a god, but I would be a minor demon guardian to the deep web. Sort of like Charon but not really.
For those late night internet binges that takes you to lowly viewed obscure YouTube videos, corrupted jpegs, and eventually midget porn.
Get in my boat and I will lead you to the dankest of memes.
[deleted] ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 20:58:53 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of videogames.
binrushed ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 20:58:59 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Chocolate
vampyfreak ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 20:59:26 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I would wanna be the god of when and where you get your boners.
leschmic ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 20:59:28 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of Trash bin tosses. Pray to me and you will toss your trash in a bin the first time, all the time.
yawsotto ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 20:59:55 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Agriculture. He who controls the food supply controls the masses.
[deleted] ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 21:00:19 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Porn. So much power.
tekjunky75 ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 21:00:36 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
catching a glimpse of side boob
Steela2122 ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 21:01:05 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The God of traffic lights... You're running late to work? Let me help you with that...
[deleted] ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 21:01:23 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Cramming. Think of all the students making offerings to me during finals and midterms!
reneepussman ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 21:01:24 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The God of follow up items in meetings.
RaunchyBushrabbit ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 21:01:34 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I will be the god of server reboots. Sacrifice a few users at the altar of our beloved motherboard before restarting your servers, and I'll make sure your disks keep spinning and your raid controllers and bootloaders behave. May your kernel be forever without panic.
devildocjames ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 21:02:08 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The god of air conditioning and heating.
ricefaq ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 21:02:08 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Emptying the dishwasher and putting almost everything away
smokesinquantity ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 21:02:12 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
the Deity of punishing lighter thieves, or possibly the Saint of fat bags of weed.
Iampugz ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 21:02:26 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I would be the god of not putting the toilet seat down.
Derocc400 ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 21:02:45 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of clipping finger nails and toe nails.
If I deem you worthy you may clip with ease.
If I deem you a cunt it's going to be a bitch to clip them and you will draw blood.
goingbananas44 ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 21:02:50 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of toilet paper. Sure it'd be shitty, but I'd get to ruin or make someone's day, every day.
[deleted] ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 21:04:26 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I'd like to be the God of Reddit. I would always get to newly trending threads first and learn the ways of the Reddit.
superflygary ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 21:04:39 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I would be the God of Inadvertent Flatulence, with my mantra being "Oops!".
i_hope_i_remember ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 21:05:20 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
In this day and age the god of the Internet.
euclid223 ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 21:05:41 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I am Zanussi... Keeper of odd socks!
[deleted] ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 21:05:58 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
That's easy, the god of sex.
erbaker ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 21:06:10 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Synergy
Argyleskin ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 21:06:59 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Goddess of baked goods.
iruleurmom ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 21:07:35 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The goddess of stubbing your toe first thing in the morning when you get out of bed. If you piss me off you will be my sacrifice.
Sanguine_R0se ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 21:08:09 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The god of smalltalk. Give me praise or you shall be punished with eternally awkward social situations.
Ihatesaabs ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 21:08:33 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
OMG God of bad drivers, all day!!
Rewarding good drivers with no traffic and all green lights.
Giving intestinal parasites to slow asses in the passing lane and death to those who don't signal!!!!
ma_demoiselle ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 21:08:40 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of the Daily Made Bed. Or maybe God of the Freshly Swiffered and Dog-Hair-Free Laminate Floors.
evil_demon_hare ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 21:08:58 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of tv show cancellations. Pray to me to keep your favorite tv shows on the air. Sorry about Firefly, but sometimes you have to throw in a great flood to show your powers are real.
[deleted] ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 21:09:16 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The god of tits and wine.
FauxxxNaif ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 21:09:20 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Cheese. I would be the god of Cheese.
Blimington ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 21:10:27 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The god of refreshing memories for our favourite movie/book/game so we can experience them for the first time again.
Spiritnaga ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 21:10:47 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Coffee. No need to elaborate.
jrob1235789 ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 21:11:20 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
the god of driving. if you drive under the influence i make you smash into a ditch so you cant kill anyone else
Missing_Minus ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 21:11:29 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I would be the god of subreddits that never grow.
[deleted] ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 21:11:43 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Goddess of Tax Collection
Judy-Lee ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 21:12:11 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The Goddess of School lunch making.
greyhoundsrfast ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 21:12:12 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Potato chips.
asianbison ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 21:12:31 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I'll be the God of Customer service so I'll never have to answer my customers, I mean "followers'", prayers and complaints.
pyrowipe ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 21:13:19 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Snarky comebacks?
[deleted] ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 21:13:19 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I would be the god of selfies. I'd beat all the other gods in amount of followers, and end up being the most powerful God ever. MWAHAHA!
ImperialKody ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 21:13:32 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The god of being vaguely early or on time, or late enough where it is a problem. (Aka 5 minutes early to work or right when you need to be to start the day, or 15-20 minutes late due to unforeseen traffic conditions, losing your keys for a few minutes, running low on gas and needing to fill up even though you thought you could wait til tomorrow to do it so didn't leave early to accommodate, etc. )
Thirst_Trap ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 21:13:40 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The god of shorted cell phone chargers, appease me and the weird position will stay until your phone is sufficiently charged. Piss me off and feel the wrath of adjusting your phone every 3 minutes.
Edit: I would be in cahoots with the God of less than 10% battery, we would tag team mortals with our benevolence and spite.
blackberryelectric ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 21:13:50 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I'd like to be the goddess of having your earphones being snatched out of your ears.
No matter where or how you travel, your earphones shall stay securely in your ears.
gujayeon ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 21:14:25 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
goddess of gathering enough motivation to cleanup the takeout containers even though you're really full
iamnotbanned ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 21:14:38 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The God of Tumblr so I can whine about how the Pantheon is a cis-sexist, veganphobic and translucid environment that oppresses me.
Zeus is a rapist! Artemis has thin-privilege and Poseidon is actually a Person of Color
holmoris ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 21:14:52 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of stray cats that just sort of hang out in alleys and are friendly towards anyone who comes near them.
Sexycornwitch ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 21:15:20 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I'm the goddess of iced coffee and spliffs on the porch.
FirmlyPlacedPotato ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 21:15:50 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God Jack of Al'Terre'Aydes. I will grant you approximate knowledge about most things.
FauxGuyFawkesy ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 21:15:53 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The god of random boners! Who doesn't love a hard on coming up just as your getting up at the end of a meeting?
spoonerwilkins ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 21:16:12 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I will be the god of the almighty cheese slope. I'll be the one that makes all chunks of cheese sooner or later into this particular shape. You didn't specify that I had to choose to be a benevolent god, did you?
BerniseAnders ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 21:17:16 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Turning off the light when you leave the room.
I feel like I could really work the divine rage angle.
madscientistEE ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 21:17:27 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I reside at the right hand of the god of good music as the god of stereo repair.... I bestow upon thy faithful a steady hand to hold a Metcal soldering iron, a good ear, a black belt in Google Fu, and the ability to trace a signal through 50 year old circuits whose schematics have been lost to the ages!
[deleted] ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 21:17:28 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The god of being a wingman
TheCosmicInferno ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 21:17:46 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of the exception to the rule. Be good and you can get away with hot shit anger me and you'll get stuck with all the other shitty rules.
doodlebilly ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 21:17:47 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I would be god of; showing up too late to get your comment noticed on r/askreddit.
Ebenezer_Splewge ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 21:18:10 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The God of shrugs. "ALL HAIL.... (shrugs) meh..."
69username69 ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 21:18:37 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Procrastination, I can see it now. "I wish to save the world, but that can wait until tomorrow. Today more grapes!"
[deleted] ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 21:19:07 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I am the god of shit. Pray unto me and you will be awarded with one bowel movement that completely clears out your system. Anger me and you will be plagued with constant diarrhea and you will have to be wary of your flatulence!
arbeh ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 21:19:35 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
That half side-step adjustment dudes have to do with their junk.
Matkin024 ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 21:19:36 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
crisps
opmike ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 21:19:49 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I'd be the God of randomly remembering that horribly embarrassing/cringe worthy moment in your past.
Fear me.
rtoland ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 21:20:12 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I would be the God of cereal never getting soggy.
[deleted] ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 21:20:15 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The god of crazy chicks. Id have some crazy fucking stories
D-utch ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 21:20:47 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I would be the God of restaurants.
Woe unto ye who enter my house and tippeth not fifteen percent. For ever shall your lineage recieveth poor and unspeedy service.
Rejoice not, ye who toil in my house. Should you continue to know not the time and arrive tardy, fail to cleanse thy silver ware before rolling or be unhelping to they fellow brethren I shall smite thee. You will be meet with demon patrons, one plate and check splitters till the end of your days.
All shall do well to knoweth the closing times of my house and visit not unless it be 30 minutes prior.
IsItMeyoure_looking4 ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 21:20:56 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
the God of propane based products
kdoodlethug ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 21:21:12 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Proper spelling and/or grammar.
[deleted] ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 21:21:27 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I'm the god of overspending. That feeling you get when you bought something online for the 10th time this month, and you know you're cutting into your budget surplus.
Although I'm not yet sure what I do to non believers, or to believers. Haven't figured that out yet.
It's a working plan, okay? Just give me the job, I'll know what to do once I get it.
massive17 ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 21:21:41 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The God of taking naps.
ViaMoon24 ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 21:22:10 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of Electrical Maintenance.
MashedPotatoBeard ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 21:22:12 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I'd be the god of Bluetooth, but you could just call me PAN.
[deleted] ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 21:22:40 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The god of stubbing your toe. I am a cruel, vengeful god. My season is winter, and wooden legged furniture my vassals. Fear me.
2littleducks ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 21:22:55 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Natalie Portman.
thestevemeistro ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 21:23:14 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)*
The god of minor accidental injuries. Seriously, I hurt myself about once a week.
By praying to me, you will increase the chances of getting a minor accidental injury instead of a major one. Trip down the stairs with a knife? If you're in my favor you will just get a minor, treatable cut instead of a knife in your chest.
Oh and I'll also demand a blood sacrifice from my followers but it will only be whenever they accidentally hurt themselves. That way everything will be self-sustainable.
timothygruich ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 21:23:25 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The God of helping you stop the gas meter right on a full dollar amount.
yahtzeedog ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 21:24:13 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The god of no wipers. May all your bathroom visits be swift and clean.
[deleted] ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 21:24:20 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Computer programming
God amongst wizards
AnoiaDearheart ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 21:24:43 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Definitely the Goddess of Things that Get Stuck in Drawers.
EvilPhd666 ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 21:24:46 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)*
No reason boners.
I'll remove the cause, but not the symptom.
[deleted] ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 21:25:07 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I'm the God of inconvenient poops. Especially the ones that are really really messy to wipe up, potential toilet cloggers.. And you bet ya, those ones you get that have to happen now because it's getting close to that time you always poop.
Especially if you're getting held after at work or some other event.
Also, that last little nugget will always stay in there.
Fishamatician ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 21:25:19 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The God of that little bit of pee that hides inside you until you pull up your underwear, anger me and it's a full dribble down the leg!
hasslefree ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 21:25:48 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The God of Hangnails.
Edit: Mind yourself..
Angeldown ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 21:26:04 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The Goddess of Buffering. Pray to me, and I might grant you a video that plays all the way through with no loading or freezing. Incur my wrath, and all your streams shall forever stutter at five to ten second intervals.
Cartossin ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 21:26:19 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The god of getting it right the first time. IN AMERICA.
Majil229 ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 21:26:42 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I shall be mighty Twerkeles, the Lord of Jiggly Butts.
drewyz ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 21:26:46 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
4 leaf clover production
graysonneal14 ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 21:26:51 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Ball point pens.
Asizeablecouch ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 21:26:56 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The God of Warm Blankets
medallion123 ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 21:26:57 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The god of vending machine snacks
Backdoor_Man ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 21:27:01 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Resetting forgotten passwords.
Satiss ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 21:27:15 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The god of key presses. Please. Our althars are everywhere.
[deleted] ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 21:27:16 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I would be the God of Phone Screens, you pray to me when you've dropped your phone and its face down and you hope the screen it ain't cracked.
Dayofdaze ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 21:27:17 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Weed
You must give tribute(greens) to the weed God
clay10mc ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 21:27:35 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I am the god of that thing where you're just about to sneeze but then your friend is all "hey, what's up?" and you suddenly freeze! But then you still have that nose tingle, it's a horrible tease! And you're like "FUUUUCK!"
mred870 ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 21:27:36 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The god of novelty gifts. Xray specs and diaphanous robes would be my day to day wear.
Sonthly ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 21:28:01 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I would be the god of space heaters.
GimmieURdownvotes ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 21:28:35 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I would be the God of turning your devices off, and on when they arent working.
YnotZoidberg15 ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 21:28:43 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of paper work, administrators beware.
setagllib ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 21:28:50 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The God of knowing the exact perfect thing to do in those social situations where no one wants to make a decision but everyone is waiting to do something. Pray to me and you will always choose something that makes everyone happy. Upset me and everything you suggest always offends or annoys people.
gldn56 ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 21:28:59 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of finding the one minuscule lego in a huge pile.
lordhellion ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 21:29:04 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The God of Malfunctioning Condoms.
Do not incur my wrath.
[deleted] ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 21:29:08 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Probably the god of Reddit karma.If you bow down to me, your next post will disguise you as /u/GallowBoob .
[deleted] ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 21:29:12 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Bum grapes, the lord of haemerroids
musical_throat_punch ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 21:29:36 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Paperwork and filing. Possibly sticky notes.
Gostonoros ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 21:30:25 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I would obviously be the God of pencil sharpening.
WalrusAircraft ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 21:31:32 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of toilet paper, because I become powerful to those in need.
clingsmash ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 21:32:10 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I'm the God of oh shit I bumped that car, looks around, waits, switches spots.
RealIceCream ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 21:32:16 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of Traffic and Commune. I would not be a merciful God.
XypherFTW ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 21:32:23 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The god of that thing where you're just about to sneeze, but then your friend is all "Hey, what's up!" And you're starting to freeze, but you've still got that nose tingle - it's a horrible tease! And you're like "FuuuuuUUUUUUUUUUUUCK"
DJFluffers115 ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 21:32:32 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The God of cumming during the transition period in a porn, when the people are moving positions.
Pray to me or suffer sort-of inadequate orgasms.
CluelessTimeTravel3r ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 21:33:03 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of dirt. Not life in the dirt, rocks, or grass, just dirt. The best dirt. The only dirt.
komiroya ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 21:33:07 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Cell phones. My altar would have broken screens and a fuck ton of charging cables in a jumbled mess
chefson ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 21:33:10 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Typing and data entry.
moreinaudiblescreams ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 21:33:33 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
loneliness.
gbakermatson ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 21:33:40 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Coffee.
Kikkoman7347 ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 21:33:48 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The God of political information, and required voting. My powers would be 'to instantly fill anyone mind with relevant information to vote on' and 'giving non-voters extreme flatulence and explosive diarrhea' until they do vote.
Rhamni ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 21:33:56 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of coming late to the party, apparently.
drcalmeacham ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 21:34:20 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of American English spelling and grammar. I will smite a motherfucker.
animemecha ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 21:34:33 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of the "Space Bar". Pray to me and I ensure that your space bar won't feel weird when you press it AND make sure your space bar will work when you're sending that important email or typing that resume to get a job at Burger King.
IsItMeyoure_looking4 ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 21:34:36 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
the dog of dyslexia
jitsmustard ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 21:34:39 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Taking shits on the company dime
KJWasTooShort ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 21:34:48 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Dimly lit rooms.
martinc31415 ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 21:35:23 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
math
[deleted] ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 21:41:40 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The God of video games. No longer shall GabeN rule.
ImaPinto25 ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 21:41:48 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I'd be the God of comebacks. The almighty shield of snarky remarks, insulting jokes and catcalls. No hecklers left unburned!
hollander93 ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 21:42:01 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of toilet paper being present in the bathroom before you checked. I'll have the world by the balls in no time.
JazzyAces808 ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 21:42:11 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of that thing where two people are trying to walk by each other but they both keep stepping in the same direction.
ALL HAIL LORD DROITWICH!
MrDirtyHarry ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 21:42:31 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
All hail atm God!
SixSixTrample ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 21:42:35 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I want to be the god of blinkers, because I will smite the shit out of people that don't use them.
Skaughty23 ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 21:43:03 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Stubbed toes, it's about time somebody put a stop to this blight on humanity
Dune_Coon ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 21:43:14 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Farts....yes farts.
Pretty simple....if you're a dick, better not gamble on that fart because it's gonna be turds. But if you're a good person not only will it be silent but it won't stink, one of those magical farts, aaaand if you're in between those two extremes noise level and stench depends on the type of person you are.
Chaldera ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 21:43:31 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
My partner and I have differing ideas.
She would be the goddess of that moment when you need to sneeze, but then you tell someone and can't anymore.
I would be the god of those times when you completely blank on what you were about to say to someone.
thepieman42 ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 21:43:44 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The god of browsing reddit
Chang3dLat3r ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 21:44:12 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Ur Mum.
GodOfSquirrels ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 21:44:44 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I can't wait for a collection plate overflowing with acorns.
MG87 ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 21:44:47 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The God of Aiming When You Pee in Public Men's Rooms. Clearly I am bad at my job.
GnomeChomski ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 21:45:03 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Cygnus, the god of balance. I put little lead weights on things.
Atear ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 21:45:28 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The God of Turning it Off and On Again. Maybe it'll work, maybe it won't.
ERRORMONSTER ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 21:45:59 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I am the god of ice machines. Those who incur my favor will have a steady supply of cold water cubes. Those who do not will face a flood of frozen liquid after despairing for lack thereof.
TheOrangeHatter ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 21:46:12 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of that Moment when you are talking about a Movie but you can't remember that one actors name. If you are worthy, that name shall come to you.
Trust not in IMDB, Trust in Me, and you shall remember that one guy from that show.
chocolatemilkfury ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 21:46:49 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The God of Toilet Paper Folding. Pray to me and I'll make sure you don't accidentally get shit on your thumb or palm.
Tyrone_Shoose ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 21:47:11 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of that moment before a handshake or a high five or a fist bump where everyone tries to make sure they're doing the same motion so they don't look foolish.
McGregor96 ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 21:47:37 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
A Child of Brodin, pray to me not for gains, but for your Whey to go down smoothly in 1 chug.
Sanctume ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 21:47:43 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of sidewalk cracks. I have two kinds of followers: those that step on the crack, and those that avoid stepping on the crack.
GregoritsJ ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 21:47:49 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The God of Comedy... LAUGH!
FMFire ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 21:48:07 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I would be the God of urban fantasy books. I'd spend forever reading.
Shoder_Thinkworks ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 21:48:22 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of Usernames. Be kind to me and your first username you try shall not be already taken.
YayforPickles ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 21:49:16 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I will have the Scepter of Pinoccio. Speakers of Bull$#!& will be readily evident by their rapidly growing schnozes.
My minions will then quell the BS-ers with wedgies and PG-13 taunting.
fargoniac ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 21:50:06 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of RES tags and tagging.
MrSpacehorse ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 21:50:23 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I'd be the god of forgetting your earbuds at home.
QuitFindingMe ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 21:51:14 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I am the God of Socks and patron saint of all white-footed cats. I accept your offering of a single sock.
mcholliwood ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 21:51:15 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The god of blue toilet water. There is nothing better when you work in a 30 floor office building than finding that one special toilet that no one else has flushed yet.
iCeCoCaCoLa64 ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 21:51:56 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The God of Video Game Modding.
If you are a worthy worshipper, feel free to install as many mods as you want with no issues. Anger me, and you shall be cursed with constant CTDs.
Cam3739 ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 21:52:08 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The god of finding 20 bucks in an obscure pocket on that jacket you haven't worn since last winter. A very specific deity.
[deleted] ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 21:52:27 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Cynicism?
I would be the patron god of Internet Arguments, Goths, Emo's, Philosophers, Bullshit Artists, etc.
My symbol would be Meh
eagles07 ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 21:52:31 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Organizing lists
nibblesthedestroyer ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 21:52:34 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of embarrassing spelling and grammar mistakes
I will joyfully watch how your 'annual reports' turn into 'anal reports', 'whole' becomes 'whore' and the last paragraph is full of typos because Word decided that the text was in Hungarian. Piss me off and I will plague you until your mother doubts that you're a native speaker.
Appease me, by going online and rubbing every they're/their/there you can find into other people's faces.
deathrider012 ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 21:52:46 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I would be the god of bottle openers. I would bless my adherents with the ability to open beer bottles (any bottle really) with ease using their teeth, flick of the thumb, whatever floats your boat. Doesn't matter, easy beer.
You dare defy me? Enjoy your frustrating inability to find a bottle opener. Your futile attempts to twist off the cap will be met in vain.
couchpotatodx ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 21:53:07 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Irritable Bowel Syndrome. I am a fickle god, so please sacrifice frequently. I prefer salads, but I'll accept any other kind of food as well.
Bwatsizzle ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 21:53:19 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The God of TI-83 calculators. How sure are you that your graph is correct?
Zalot ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 21:53:57 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
If I were a mediocre god, I would say i'd be the god that makes it so you will always get the perfect cup that will fill to the top for the carton of milk thats almost empty.
DrMasterBlaster ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 21:54:04 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The god of regular bowel movements.
CookieCrumbles88 ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 21:55:35 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of toiletries. You'll know when you've fucked up because suddenly there isn't any toilet paper or the toilet itself won't flush. Drunk people already worship at our alters.
EnigmaticGecko ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 21:56:21 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The god of wiping the sweat from your forehead so that the dirty water doesn't get into your eyes and burn like that one time you decided it was a good idea to inhale a cup of chili peppers
Lemerney2 ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 21:56:38 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
god of reddit. bow down peasants!
speedstars ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 21:56:51 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of signal reception. Covers cellphones, satellite, WiFi, etc. Pray and sacrifice to me for good receptions or suffer my wrath of getting dropped calls.
CokeDigler ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 21:56:56 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of "just the tip." Entry level.
Eowyn-where ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 21:57:22 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I'd be the god of awkward situations, people will pray to me by having an awkward conversation and pausing at weird times.
unintentionaldumbass ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 21:57:23 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I'd be the god of Driving Etiquette, I would bless courteous drivers with good luck in their driving while i would smite people who cut others off, fail to obey stop signs or harass you on the road.
But i would be subtle. You wouldn't die, or anything that severe, but your mirrors would never be aligned, your gearbox would be slow, your car would inexplicably leak even when it wasnt raining, id flip the wires on your Climate control.
And i would save the greatest punishment for the worst offenders.
If you drive up I-95 in New Jersey in the US and hover in peoples blind spots when there trying to change lanes, i will find you, i will follow you, and I WILL FILL YOUR FOOTWELLS WITH 3-DAY-OLD MILK!
EVERY CAR YOU EVER OWN WILL HAVE A MILKY FOOT-WELLS.
I appear to have issues i need to work through here.
TedNougat ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 21:57:49 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Flat tires. If I am not honored, I will give you a flat tire.
Baryshnikov_Rifle ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 21:58:10 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I'll be Receptionus, God of Pantheons, who has vast-but-trivial knowledge of all things worshipful, and pleasantly directs your prayer to the proper deity.
ColoniseMars ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 21:58:26 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Im the god of internet speed.
America, you have not pleased me thus far.
[deleted] ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 21:58:45 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The god of memes, with hopes to become the god of dank memes, my followers believe 60 % of the time they make dank memes all the time.
namesaredumb ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 22:00:20 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The God of broke stoners. Pray to me and that gram shall last for 8 holy nights.
Capitan_Math ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 22:00:48 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I want to be RNGesus
alexandriathrown ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 22:01:14 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I'd be the God of Happy Office Shits. When you feel the need to go at work, pray to me. I'll make sure you have the bathroom to yourself, no other shitters nearby. The toilet and floor will be immaculately clean and everything will smell fresh and springlike. And the toilet paper will be velvety soft and endless. None of that single ply crap.
MitchMI ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 22:01:16 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The good of grass. You know that one part that grows way to high out the spot that never grows. Keep on watering it only the grass around it grows. Or that weed whacker you purchased that's me.
Madonk ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 22:01:21 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I would be the god of farts and sharts. Anger me and you better home you are in the good graces of /u/mnementh2230! Please me and you shall be blessed to never have to rush off to the bathroom.
sadmadmen ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 22:01:45 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I am the god of extera french fries at the bottom of the bag. If you worship me you will be blessed with a bounty of french fries at the bottom. Ignore me and you will never find an extra french fry again.
Hexatomb ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 22:02:16 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of the sprint key working as needed in a video game.
D_Gibb ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 22:02:28 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I would be the God of coffee. I would receive so much praise and adoration for the magical, mystical, caffeinated brew that hymns to my greatness would be heard forever.
lovingmonday ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 22:03:11 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of cellphone texting. If you text a lot and OD on it, you'll be blessed by me.
ahhhhphil ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 22:03:41 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of awkward encounters. While grocery shopping, you spot that douchebag you haven't spoke to in years? Maybe you pray hard enough to me and he just might not see you and strike up a conversation.
BerlinghoffRasmussen ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 22:03:42 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Cell phone reception.
yhjung012 ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 22:04:25 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of semicolons. Praise me all c and c++ coders.
TheLineOfSight ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 22:04:37 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The God of Not Hitting Your Funny Bone on Something. Most of the time I smile upon all my followers. When I am displeased, they will know it.
kairon156 ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 22:04:48 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
keeping track of gravity and asteroids making sure the larger ones don't hit earth. I'm aloud to make small adjustments every few hundred years for the ones at most risk.
I think they forgot the "mundane task" part of your question.
_zarkon_ ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 22:05:17 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The god of the express line. I figure I'd get to smite a lot of people after the 13th item.
InfiniteZr0 ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 22:05:18 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The god of you realizing you're going the wrong way in the mall.
If you believe in me. No one will see that awkward moment when you stop, pull out your phone, look at it for 3 seconds, put it back in your pocket, then nonchalantly turn around and walk in the opposite direction.
SpiderJerusalem ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 22:05:34 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Timing, the ability to always have great timing in whatever you do. Mostly because I feel like the god of bad timing.
CaptainReginaldLong ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 22:05:48 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I'd be the God of ordinary, mundane, every-day things.
Fitzwoppit ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 22:05:54 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Caffeinated beverages. My followers would be legion, and cranky in the mornings.
04202002 ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 22:06:09 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Changing the toilet paper roll - apparently I am already God of this task because I'm the only one in my house who does this.
Flying_FLIcker ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 22:06:21 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I shall be "The God of Lost Things" ,All those things you put down but cannot find, l have in my "Horde of Treasure" sometimes l'll "borrow" things for a few mins ( car keys and such) but many items lost forever are mine.
MittensMcFluffypants ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 22:06:37 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Squirrels. I will be the Goddess of squirrels.
redditguyma ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 22:06:40 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The God of running out of toilet paper.
david46675 ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 22:06:48 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Reddit.
[deleted] ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 22:07:19 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Bow down before me and worship. For I am Rick, God of new wiper blades.
kernunnos77 ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 22:08:01 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of Plugging Things in the Right Way
No more hassles with USB cords or ungrounded 110V plugs. If you're a devoted follower, I'll make sure you never misalign a CPU, even.
AustinTP ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 22:08:42 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
i would be the God of Mildly Interesting things so people would worship me to get the the front page of reddit
mrgud69 ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 22:08:54 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of netflix. I now control when how and what you'll have access to depending on how shitty you are.
irritated_Penguin ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 22:08:54 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Checking your phone/implant/neural connection.
naughty_ottsel ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 22:09:12 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The God of Self Service Machines. Say my name in vain and there will always be an unexpected item in the bagging area, or the item will never register as being put in the bagging area...
Boducan ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 22:09:27 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of the missing sock. Might be a major god. Who knows.
SmuleMule ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 22:09:37 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of keeping you from pissing yourself a little after using a public urinal.
Laventhros ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 22:09:44 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I played a tabletop game called Scion, and we joked that the Greek gods have so many kids, that eventually this would happen.
I would be the god of pizza.
sacallaham ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 22:10:09 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of all things created by man. Think of the possibilities
Man83arpi9 ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 22:10:16 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Toilet Paper, so I can decide whose fingers take the plunge. Cut me off this morning? Your going down. Hold the door open for me? Your toosh will have that cush tonight.
Punkadelic ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 22:10:28 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of the Subway, Lord of the Many Rails! Please me with offerings of old Metrocards and thou shalt catch the express, but woe to the non believer, for they shall find the next stop will be their last! (and must now needlessly transfer)
BayhasTheMighty ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 22:10:37 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of falling in your dreams and suddenly waking up.
[deleted] ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 22:10:40 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Dope
coolbeans_dude98 ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 22:11:06 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
School hallway traffic. Sacrifice your bacon to me twice a day and your path to class will always be clear
tilsitforthenommage ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 22:12:14 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of things that get stuck in drawers, that's a dirty that'll be demand.
ImDravenUCrazy ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 22:12:31 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of chairs. Mostly because I always thought a superhero who could summon chairs would be bretty cool. I mean how often would I need to stop crime compared to how often I need a place to sit? If worst came to worst I could summon a chair to trip a robber.
Badblackdog ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 22:13:36 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of lighters and matches.
rocketfin ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 22:13:57 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Goddess of Coffee. Pray to me and every cup you make will be perfect, and your baristas will always be polite.
Thumbr ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 22:14:08 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of chances. I have control over everything. How big is the chance that we fix world hunger this month? 100%. How big is the chance that you get โฌ1 million? 100%.
Thumbr ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 22:14:09 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of chances. I have control over everything. How big is the chance that I get a better pc for free? 100%. How big is the chance that I'll be able to ride a unicorn to school? 100%.
daedalus1982 ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 22:14:37 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I'm now God of useful first page search results.
No one knows where to worship me but they all know just enough to find me anyways.
ScornMuffins ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 22:14:58 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I'd be the god of rage eating simply because cursing my name during the act would make you giggle a bit at the comedic irony and that would calm you down.
1dominator1 ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 22:14:59 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Drawers that close just fine but somehow become stuck when you try and open them later
irxxis ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 22:15:37 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Shoes. Because I fucking love shoes.
beautifulfatman0 ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 22:15:37 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Wiping. The smitten shall be forever unclean.
[deleted] ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 22:16:24 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
god of Barbecue and other miscellaneous wood-smoked meats.
madawg ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 22:17:22 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I would be the God of not getting water all over your clothes while washing the dishes.
olhonestjim ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 22:17:29 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I will be the demigod of oiling up the succubi.
Jelese111 ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 22:17:54 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of Toe Stub. Pray to me and leave worthy sacrifice or every toe shall be bruised and every nail shall crack (just far enough you can't break it off).
chased_by_bees ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 22:18:19 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of barbeque! Charcoal only!
Metropical ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 22:20:59 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Does that mean Hank is your arch enemy and polar opposite?
chased_by_bees ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 22:26:02 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Hank! My arch nemesis! Ne'er shall your foul propane touch my forge of coals upon which the burgers of my faithful will cook.
darkmind403 ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 22:18:20 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Dudeous, the God of Trickshots. Awarding those cocky and unsuspecting tosses, and taunting you by never letting them get in after.
VerbableNouns ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 22:18:29 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of off by 1 errors.
I_Zeig_I ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 22:18:59 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of Netflix
makeshiftpunch ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 22:19:14 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of that little itch at night. Which may or may not be a bug crawling up you.
Note2scott ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 22:19:56 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Reddit! My God name is Unidan!
im_thatoneguy ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 22:20:04 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I would be the god of crafting the perfect Google search keywords to find that thing that you want to share with someone that you 'saw last week' that totally applies to the current conversation.
olympic_backpedaling ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 22:20:05 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I will be the good of the nip slip. Showing young men boobs they were never supposed to see. Praise me: Hot 3rd grade teacher. You're welcome Billy. Piss me off: Grandma leaned a over a little too much when bringing you lunch.
MC_Hammer_Curlz ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 22:20:05 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Picking up bitches
Canadeon ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 22:22:02 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I'll be the God of left lane drivers. Offer proper homage and that slow fucker will move over before you get close. Tick me off and the slow guy in front of you will slow down and you'll be passed forever by cars in the right lane with no room to merge over.
Xanthus730 ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 22:22:33 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The God of Procrastination. I'll think up some way to describe what I'd do with the power, later.
OreothePanda ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 22:23:04 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I would be would be the god of finding that one Lego piece that you need to complete a build that disappeared even though you just saw it.
emqz ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 22:23:19 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I would be the God of the leaky water faucet and slightly clogged drain.
Lazerspewpew ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 22:23:33 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I'm the deity you pray to when you absolutely need that cell phone signal.
Invent42 ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 22:24:24 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
ants yo, they outweigh humans eight pounds to one
[deleted] ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 22:24:56 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I'd be the god of that thing where you're just about to sneeze, but then your friend is all "Hey, what's up?" and then you suddenly freeze.
SuperCho ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 22:24:56 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of Bathroom Conveniences. Pray to me, and you'll only have to wipe once, that last little bit of piss will come out perfectly, and you'll never run out of soap or toilet paper when in a public bathroom.
snappa0126 ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 22:25:00 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I choose.. The God of Jiggling Cleavage.
doktorknow ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 22:25:55 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Skippin' Rocks.
aquirkysoul ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 22:25:58 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The God of apprentice cobblers. Once you pass your apprenticeship you have to stop worshipping me.
aManOfTheNorth ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 22:26:00 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Taking one hits once a month and talking to humans but keeping quiet about it to the Gods for fear of being called ingodly.
ayarb ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 22:26:23 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
THE GOD OF MEMES
jcrreddit ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 22:26:26 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The God of Butter
Our Father, who art in kitchen Hallowed be thy name From kingdom come, they will be done On toast, when it is buttered Give us this day our dairy spread And prevent us those tiny toast crumbs left in the butter, as you do the cold butter that tears a hole in bread And lead us not into margarine, But deliver us from oleo For thine is the kingdom, the power, and the glory Forever and ever Ghee-men
SaebraK ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 22:26:36 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Goddess of Pants, because everyone deserves a decent pair of pants!
spartaninspace ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 22:27:29 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of sex toys. Because of reasons.
cfmacd ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 22:27:54 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of successfully cutting a bagel in half. Offers must be of acceptable bagel spreads. Bonus blessings for the whipped raspberry cream cheese.
TurmUrk ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 22:28:06 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Weirdly satisfying sounds. Like a pen clicking or bubble wrap or the jingle when link opens a chest.
kevincreeperpants ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 22:28:12 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Poop God. Anger me and you're gonna have a shitty day.
bryanslamjam ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 22:28:25 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Mexican food
RallyUp ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 22:30:08 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
When I looked at the number of comments it was 6661, so there's that..
Nitrosity ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 22:30:10 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of the tangled earphones. Perfectly coiled yeah? We'll fucking see about that.
My rule affects all. Like death. There is a lore as well, UNtangled headphones were drawn smoothly out of my wife's pocket from behind, and used as a garrotte to strangle her. So distraught I took my own life and was granted immortality by the God of justice, to tangle all headphones in the pocket to prevent this from ever happening again.. No matter now nearly they are put away.
Vetty81 ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 22:30:11 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Patron Saint of the Morningwood
goaway432 ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 22:30:44 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The god of poop. Every time someone yells "Oh shit!" it's a prayer.. just hope it doesn't get answered.
o3yossarian ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 22:30:56 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I'd definitely be the God of Running of Fumes.
Pray to me and seek my favor, and you will always roll right up to the gas pump before your engine sputters and dies.
Anger me and feel my wrath: the gas in your spare tank in the trunk will spontaneously transform into spiders. Somewhere 100 miles from the nearest town. Where there's no cell service.
itonlygetsworse ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 22:31:19 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of Sleep. Everyone eventually realizes I am the most important God and I have sex with all other Gods just because.
[deleted] ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 22:31:28 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I'd be the god of making sure you get the squeaky shopping cart that's really hard to turn because one wheel had plastic bags stuck in it.
[deleted] ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 22:31:50 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Mopping. I would be God of mopping. God I love mopping. Someone find me a job at 100k a year with just mopping. Id shit a happy brick.
thief1434 ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 22:32:26 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I will be god of Ass-Wiping! Pray to me or else every wipe will feel as if ye had wiped with sand paper.
NotEvenWorthFacebook ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 22:32:32 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I want to be the god of the first sip you take from a drink. "Ahhh!" is my prayer.
ramonipepperoni ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 22:32:39 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of banging Dat b00ty
tommcquarrie ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 22:33:28 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
They shall call me Murpheyus, arbiter of murphy's law. Present worthy offerings and you'll encounter a jam-free printer for that last minute assignment. Sin against me and I'll clog the toilet at your next social gathering, after taco night.
Kitteh5 ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 22:33:36 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I will be the God Of Chicken Between Teeth. If you please me by praying to me or whatnot before eating a chicken product, and chicken falls in your teeth, I shall grace you with the chicken falling out immediately. If you anger me that chicken will stay there for as long as I wish, even floss or toothpicks won't help.
Source: just had chicken in my teeth, fuck that.
jimthewanderer ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 22:33:50 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The protector God of fools, little children and ships named Enterprise,
Albg111 ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 22:34:05 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
traffic
[deleted] ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 22:34:49 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I'd be the god of remembering embarrassing events at random points in your life.
DingDingDensha ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 22:35:15 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Morning coffee. I get to oversee the warm glowing warming glow that comes over the person freshly dosed with caffeine before starting the day.
El_Raro ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 22:35:47 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of waking up at 6:00am from Monday to Friday and commuting for two hours each way to your 9-5 job.
brak_loves_atari ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 22:36:32 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
bar tending. great stories would be told.
josh_wal ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 22:36:49 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I will be Ow, the God of Minor Ailments
connstar97 ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 22:36:58 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Probably weed, or patron god of getting the swole gains
Dundundundun_JC ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 22:37:05 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I would be the God of slightly cat like reflexes, anytime you spill a glass of water you catch it but not before it has already splashed a little on your keyboard.
Stalked_Like_Corn ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 22:37:25 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The God of forgotten names of people you met before who know you but you keep calling "Guy" or "Man". Just pray to me "Heyyy... oh God please let me remember his name... FRED! HEEYYYY Fred, how are you?"
I will be a merciful God but I will require a Kit Kat bar to be given to me at the end of a day that you forget a name and I help you out.
winstontemplehill ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 22:37:57 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The God of pouring the exact amount of milk you need for your cereal so you don't have to chug milk when it's gone like an animal
NovelTeaDickJoke ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 22:39:03 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The god of CDs. Got the position via a temp agency. Pantheon is working on phasing out the whole department. Mike of dvd players says that zeus told him to get ready to "pack (my) shit and go".
Volntyr ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 22:39:40 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I would be the God of clean glass and Mugs. After all, which god wants to drink from a Dirty mug?
WandererSage ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 22:40:05 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I would be the god of regaining people's balance when they almost slip or when they just take a misplaced step - "Oh, oh, watch it, you almost fell there. No worry's, Balancio's got you covered."
madfunk ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 22:40:39 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Lord of low-lying fogs and mists.
Koshatul ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 22:40:45 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of Internet Memes or God of Reddit.
[deleted] ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 22:41:05 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The Goddess of Not Having Food on Your Face While Talking to Strangers
raegunXD ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 22:41:16 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I would be the goddess of socks. Displease me, and I will take away a sock from the laundry. Or give you a pokey in your sock all day that you cannot find.
PrincessFred ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 22:41:27 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The goddess of missing semicolons.
Kahitano ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 22:41:40 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of remembering names.
[deleted] ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 22:41:44 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
the god of misfires. i cause guns to not work when they're about to be used for ill.
Tumbldor ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 22:42:10 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The god of leaving yourself water after a night of drinking.
They0001 ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 22:42:19 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I am Drycoatus.
I'm the god of drying paint. I make sure paint drys.
xVoodoux ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 22:42:45 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The god of remembering what song that is based on the one or two lines you remember. Finally, I can put Google out of a job in a useful manner!
Destinlegends ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 22:42:47 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Toilet paper. All mortals fall to their knees before me!
cha0smaker69 ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 22:43:51 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of Wasting Time
MrBash ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 22:43:56 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The god of wasted time. I'm the guy who ends up with those two minutes of your life and no you can't have them back.
Jyk7 ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 22:44:10 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I choose to be god of urination. My first action would be to make people give my priesthood ten cents every time they peed, or they wouldn't be able to.
I'd be so rich.
Mr_Blue__ ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 22:44:25 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The God of thinking you've forgotten something really important, when you haven't really.
My influence is all reaching.
Koshatul ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 22:44:26 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of morning shower temperature, when pleased the hot water will be almost instantly available.
republistan ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 22:45:26 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Commute times....I could control the fates of entire cities.
jumpyurbones ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 22:46:11 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I want to be the god of perfect toast. If you don't pay homage, I'll burn that shit and ruin your morning.
AdamHicks ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 22:47:53 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Late to the party but I'd choose to be the God of checking the fridge every 5 minutes just to find it empty.
People around the globe would honor me every night.
PM_ME_U_SMILING ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 22:48:07 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of Bad Jokes
Michael4825 ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 22:48:31 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of Internet disconnection problems! Did you not flush your DNS or bow down to the Holy router? Dial Up speed for you!
sepseven ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 22:48:39 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
the god of lost socks.
May your socks always be paired.
misskinky ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 22:49:20 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I am the goddess of phone charging. Everybody will want to be on my good side.
Koshatul ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 22:49:28 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of swipe card and proximity tag success.
If angered every time you try to get into work you'll need to take the card/fob out of your pocket and to use it and credit cards will need to be inserted after you try paypass.
When pleased you can do the butt/pocket dance and the doors will open first attempt.
_CommanderKeen_ ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 22:49:45 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of wi-fi connection. It would seem mundane to all the other gods until they realize I'm receiving 1000x the prayers each day.
bengigameur ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 22:50:14 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The god of great ideas with terrible execution.
I rule not over quantum physics, but over those who seek to visualize it.
I loom over you as you decide whether or not the Moment is clockwise or counter-clockwise before thumbs-upping your test to assess the right-hand rule. YOU GET IT WRONG ANYWAYS.
I clothe you in beautiful fabrics, but they're really itchy.
That tkinter app that you started working on LOOKS LIKE THIS
You begin to cook dinner for your date BUT THE DISH WAS RAW
You get the idea.
BUT NOT THE EXECUTION!!
SignatureToke ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 22:50:28 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Marijuana
Koshatul ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 22:50:45 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of University assignment submissions.
p2p_editor ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 22:50:51 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of unpublished novels. I would have sooo many followers. Sooo many prayers for salvation aimed in my direction.
Iwilljustbeoverhere ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 22:50:54 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I would be the god of dust. Piss me of and you will have to dust daily just so your house doesn't look like a Scooby Doo Mansion!
beninmotion ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 22:51:29 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Definitely god of taking your shoes off at the door, that shit really pisses me off.
totallynotericallan ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 22:52:06 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I would be the god of getting that perfect bite in your sandwich, that has everything in it, also that last little bit of your burger falling out the back? That was me too.
[deleted] ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 22:52:14 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
the god of finding the right amount if change in your pockets when you realise you're just a bit short
Nuts_unbusted ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 22:52:18 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I'd definitely be the god of oral hygiene, and force my wrath upon those who don't pay their respects to me with regular tooth brushing...
[deleted] ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 22:52:20 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
tennis balls. I'd want to live a pretty much normal life besides the ability to summon an infinite number of red and green tennis balls at any place and at any velocity I choose. About to get shot by a criminal? Bam, a third of his brain is now a tennis ball. Feel like your house has a distinct lack of tennis balls? A large influx of tennis balls should put a stop to that. The possibilities would be endless.
Damn nevermind, I misunderstood the question. Still. Tennis balls. Shit would by cray.
TheBeerFlowsLikeWine ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 22:52:26 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I'd be the God of waking up an hour before you alarm is gonna go off. People who pleased me would comfortably wake up and realize they get another hour to sleep. Those who brought my scorn upon them would awake 2 minutes prior to their alarm.
Yurei2 ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 22:53:32 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)*
I am the god of Job Interviews. I will shortly be a major deity as millions of people who cant find jobs begin praying to me daily as I simply openly demonstrait my existence and explain that I have dominion over getting an interview for a job, and the ability to control how those go for you.
dewbiestep ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 22:54:32 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Dildos
Griftiest ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 22:54:42 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of flailing to avoid an incoming wasp.
foundanoreo ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 22:55:38 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The god of coincidences: I'm the guy who gets that radio song to describe the mood perfectly at a moment. Gets you to meet one of your childhood friends in a bar while traveling in a different country. Use sunlight to shine a beam onto a sentence on the wall to answer your idle pondering.
[deleted] ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 22:55:41 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The God of unappreciated everyday objects. Cereal bowls, shopping trolleys and deodorant.
SamuraiKatz ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 22:56:15 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Squirrels
IgnatiusJHighly ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 22:56:19 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I would be the God of booger picking. Every single person does it, but not everyone eats it. I would make sure the non consuming denizens don't succumb to the temptations no matter what.
dingoperson2 ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 22:56:20 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The god of safely stepping off escalators. Very important job.
ChillaxLePanda ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 22:56:49 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I would be the god of bacon of course.
[deleted] ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 22:56:57 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The God of knowing what music to listen to, instead of awkwardly scrolling through Spotify debating for 5 minutes until you just give up and listen to whatever you were the time before.
USChills ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 22:57:07 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Coffee. Now I am the God above all others, controlling the temper of the nations.
HoRoRosales ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 22:57:27 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The goddess of Freudian slips.
thisiscanonintheEU ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 22:57:55 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Being sexy and knowing it
TehCynic ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 22:59:27 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I would be the punisher of those who intentionally step on the heels of other people's shoes.
bennstamps ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 22:59:31 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I would be the God of small snacks to help maintain a healthy blood sugar level.
[deleted] ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 22:59:32 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I am the Defender of Lonely Women. I am the Benevolent Mistress of Satisfaction.
I am the demi-Goddess of Batteries: DURACELL!!!
Mafamoo ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 22:59:50 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I'd like to be the god of dreaming about doing work only to wake up and realise you still have to do that work.
maximusprime7 ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 22:59:56 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The god of good bones and calcium would be cool.
People would be like "thank mr. maximus"
gebeorscipe ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 23:00:39 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I would choose to be the God of the "just woke up still lying down stretch"
Not only am I probably the only enjoyable part of pre-coffee waking up, but you can also witness and empathetically experience my splendor in animals enjoying the bliss that only a good stretch can give you.
crazymoon ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 23:00:41 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of realizing that you accidentally hit the off button instead of the snooze button an hour when you were supposed to wake up to work.
BSinDC ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 23:00:51 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Email.....I would reign supreme as people sacrificed to me to take away their pain.
triggy_cosineberg ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 23:01:08 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I will be the goddess of turning red lights green, before you would need to slow down and stop.
thequeefcannon ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 23:01:31 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Finally! Sloppy, wet, smelly... washed puppy god. Yeah, I'd be the god of that smell puppies have when you give em a bath!
detestrian ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 23:02:06 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
i would be the god of me
danoneofmanymans ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 23:02:42 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I shall be the co-god of high fives. You will pray to me by preforming awesome feats with fellow bros nearby. I will bless the high five that accompanies this feat to make a perfect clap and keep the hype going. But if you get on my bad side, all your future high fives will awkwardly hit the side of your hand and fail to generate that satisfying noise.
swimfastalex ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 23:02:49 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I'd be Hermes intern. Maybe my job will just to go shopping for special winged shoes.
diogenes_amore ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 23:03:17 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Jeff, God of Biscuits.
Bewarethewulf ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 23:04:00 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I'd be the god of the little niggling feeling in the back of your mind that you're forgetting something. :D
CarlosTheBoss ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 23:06:10 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Cheese.
Formshifter ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 23:06:30 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
welding. i know its boring but i love doing it and i would love to be the best at it
FettyGuac ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 23:06:46 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I'll be the Goddess of really excellent morning poops. All you peasants with backed up bowels...come hither.
AnoniMiner ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 23:06:57 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of Swearing. I'd sure rise up the ranks real quick.
comcamman ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 23:07:10 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I would be the God of Printers. Because apparently it's a job I won't actually have to do.
I will ignore all your print prayers.
jmgrimes95 ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 23:07:13 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The god of swift, painless shits, because noone wants to be shitting for 30 minutes straigh
GaiusGamer ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 23:08:00 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The God of Mac and Cheese: You appease me and you are gonna get that sweet, creamy cheese goodness. Get on my bad side, mother fucker you eatin watery powder and noodles
gizmodious ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 23:08:31 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of Computation.
I would have an infinite amount of compute ability, making Quantum processing look like a dull butter knife. Google (and other search engines) would pray to me endlessly. I would crunch massive N-body simulations for NASA in mere seconds. The secrets of the universe would unfold in nano seconds when queried.
But mostly I would speed up porn searches on google. Your welcome.
Vamking12 ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 23:08:37 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of Gum, If your under my grand premise I'll make your gum last forever!
Until I get bored
[deleted] ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 23:09:04 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Everybody is thinking of crazy stuff. Can I just be the God of pancakes?
Lerzaberth ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 23:09:25 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of SLIPPERY! Give praise unto my name, and in slick situations thou shalt find friction. Forget thine lubricous creator, and the tub shall be your undoing!
The_Celtic_Chemist ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 23:09:27 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of Change. Leave a penny in tribute to me and you'll have exact change for your next purchase. Take a penny, and your next purchase will have you drowning in them.
HornyCrayon ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 23:10:25 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)*
Internet connection.
I'm the reason you're WiFi wont work even though you are sat next to your router.
EDIT: I would have had a blast during the 'Dial up' days.
DameWade ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 23:10:44 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of midnight snacks. Wait, I already am
wtfisthepoint ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 23:10:47 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
spelling. and i would be a god of vengeance
BrisketWrench ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 23:11:35 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of drinking liquid & having it go down the wrong pipe causing a fit of painful coughing, if that's already taken then I'll be the God of the current of water that steers bandaids floating in swimming pools towards people to annoy & disgust them
Roukiepants ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 23:12:43 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Poop. The amount of prayers I'd get by making people constipated...
trev1776 ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 23:13:07 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I'd be the God of that thing where you're about to sneeze and your friend is all "hey what's up." And you suddenly freeze but you can still feel that nose tingle, that horrible tease! And you're like fuuuuuuuuuuuuuu!
2OQuestions ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 23:13:38 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Mosquitoes.
A small swarm can make just about any creature do anything I want.
pafischer ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 23:13:56 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Fear me! I am pFish the Moderately Great God of chafing underwear! Bow slightly before me lest you walk funny all day. A slight nod will work if you're not into the whole bowing thing.
TinyFairyBabe ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 23:14:02 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Id be the goddess of eye twiches.
catbot4 ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 23:14:14 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)*
Id be the god of enjoyable past-times, granting boons to the pleasantly engaged.
Edit: now with moar spelling.
ConfusingDalek ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 23:14:32 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Fun. I would be the god of fun.
if that is taken, I will just be the god of good video games and nice PCs
Netzapper ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 23:15:06 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Useful compiler errors.
raisin-braisin ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 23:15:18 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
beer
teetah ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 23:15:47 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Studying... wamp wamp
_DawnoftheDead_ ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 23:15:53 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I'd be the goddess of battery life. Pray to me, oh ye who's phone is at 10 percent, yes, even as you walk into the DMV, no man's land. If your prayer doth please me, that 10% will miraculously last long after it should have depleted.
Anger me, and your devices shall never charge properly again!
metalmatan ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 23:16:14 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of farts AKA shrek
Big_fat_happy_baby ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 23:17:34 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I would choose to be the God of small pains that don't warant a visit to the doctor. I would bless my followers with easy pains that go away with a good night sleep. While my detractors and unbelievers will suffer small itchi pains and when they decide to maybe go to the doctor the pain will dissappear. Only to surface again on the next day. Pain will also dissappear if any doctor/healer/shaman is around as to make it undetectable.
InfernoOrangutan ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 23:17:44 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Yeah, if you all could call me The God of TPS Reports, that'd be great.
threefjefff ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 23:17:46 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of drunk texts. "Oh god, please tell me I didn't text..." Ye shall be judged on thine sober texts.
Sins include text speech and overuse if emoji. Cast down to the pit of contacting your clingy ex!
FOR I AM A VENGEFUL GOD.
pgyx ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 23:18:19 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I would be the god of semi truck passing. When you have angered me, a semi truck will take 10 minutes to pass another truck. Both will be driving under the speed limit causing a backup.
CoboltC ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 23:18:46 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The God of factual reporting and my smiting would be legendary.
FinishingSauce ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 23:18:57 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I would be Jeff the god of Biscuits!
worm585 ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 23:19:09 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The God of Masturbation imagine the amount of prayers that would be coming my way.
WuYorkYankees11 ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 23:19:16 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The God of Inebriated Phone Calls, I will save you from yourself.
aaronsherman ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 23:20:02 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I would be the god of agape which is a Greek word that's rarely used in English. It's translated a whole bunch of different ways. For example, in the New Testament, it's alternately translated as "love" or "charity". It's something in between. If you think of the impulse that drives charity: caring about other human beings because they're other human beings... that's agape. When applied to deity/deities it usually means divine love in general, as being above the typical forms of love that humans experience (like love of a child or of a spouse, etc.)
Brod24 ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 23:20:31 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Copiers. You could enact minor vengeance by jamming copiers.
DvlMan3969 ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 23:22:03 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I'd be the God of pissing on public restroom toilet paper rolls.
Benidaballer ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 23:22:18 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I would be the God of Early Morning Commuting.
If you anger me I will ensure there is someone going just under the speed limit in front of you, and for some reason all the other lanes are closed.
Vegeton ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 23:22:31 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of Toilet Paper Rolls.
Even the Gods likely need to take dumps, and when they run out of toilet paper, they'll come to me. Oh, the favors I'd collect!
[deleted] ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 23:22:35 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The God in which people pray to such that they can "do great on that test tomorrow".
misterF150 ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 23:22:36 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The God of getting the extra fry or fries in your bag of fast food.
Iikeyoubutyourecrazy ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 23:23:09 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I'll take god of talking to yourself, and actually getting good advice.
The little angel and devils on your shoulders are just the two halves of my personality.
Also, i suppose by extension, i'm god over anyone that has internal monologues.
mister_damage ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 23:23:23 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of earwax. Be good to me and I will let you hear stuff clearly by making your wax ready to remove. Otherwise. Mmmfmfmfmfmmmmfmffmfmfm
Tevatrox ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 23:23:26 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of Depression Post-reading. If you are nice I'll reveal to you the release date of any sequel, on the contrary I'll make sure all your favorite authors NEVER release another book >:D
sewingself ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 23:24:43 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Phones, and make sure no one looses theirs. Yet I feel like this is only a problem for me and no one else.
[deleted] ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 23:24:51 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I can't be the god of beer, there's already like six of them.
So I'll be the god of hangovers. There is no particular method to pleasing me aside from copius drinking, but I shall randomly bless my followers with a pain free hangover.
I can also moonlight as the god of kilju, I'm really taking a fancy to it.
griffing320 ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 23:25:42 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The god of getting friend zoned. I am every teenager's nightmare.
Elchidote ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 23:25:58 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I'll be the God of Sports!
Worship me, and your team may win the championship, if I so please.
Anger me, and your team will finish dead last with the worst possible record and Relegation!!!
Each trophy features me at the top in several different sexy poses!
Fear me, mortal! Or your team is kill!
SanFransicko ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 23:26:23 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Witty come-backs. I'd always have the most devastating and terse response ready with perfect timing. Make offerings to me and ye be blessed with quick wit and ready repartee.
RuroniHS ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 23:26:43 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I am the god of shoelaces. Pay homage to me, and they shall not come untied. Cross me, and prepare to trip.
Knolligge ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 23:27:05 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The god of Unbreaking Earbuds!
Offer me a fine tune, and I shall bestow upon you a pair of Earbuds that will last a lifetime. May you never endure the pain of one side suddenly not working.
intentsone ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 23:27:06 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Walk the Kraken.
Twilightmonkey ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 23:28:54 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Biros
[deleted] ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 23:30:09 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
League of Legends
bladel ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 23:30:25 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God (or maybe Demon) of Random TSA Security Screening.
Hope you weren't running late...
Spamakin ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 23:31:31 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I shall be The God of Video's remembered. Want to show your friends a video? Well pray to me and you shall. You don't pray, and you'll have all memories of that video erased.
Silvertulip369 ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 23:31:58 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I would choose to be the god of cooking
KnightsOfArgonia ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 23:31:59 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I'd be Hercules' spotter. Maybe he can give me some of his golden whey
housebear ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 23:32:16 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The God of when you think your phone vibrated, but it didn't
ScorcherPanda ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 23:32:36 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Butt Dials and Drunk Texts. Pray to me or you will soon regret.
Robobvious ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 23:33:29 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of Regrettable Choices.
DickBruiser ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 23:34:23 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Butt plugs
KamikazeCricket ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 23:34:29 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Jeff, the god of biscuits.
Rogue_Planet ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 23:34:50 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The God of decoration electronics. Our shrines would be of the Holy Lave Lamp.
VampiricCyclone ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 23:35:27 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I am the God of Choosing the Shortest Line.
Which will it be, the three organized-looking folks with 3 items each, or the single cart full of $400 worth of stiff, or the little old lady who's already got the total, and is standing there counting pennies.
If you fail to make a fitting tribute, your chosen line might close just as you reach the front.
asminapira ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 23:35:33 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I'd be the God of tits & wine.
Binanaz ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 23:35:40 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of wallpapers, whether it digital or in meatspace.
rrnbob ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 23:36:39 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The God of Erasing cleanly, with no stains, smudges, crinkles, or rips.
buglocker ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 23:37:00 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The God of tits and wine
Bardlar ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 23:37:21 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Cats. They're the most run of the mill, every day animal ever, but people freaking love them. People would love a Cat God.
C0L4ND3R ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 23:38:22 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of Slight Misunderstandings
I'd be one hell of a pain, especially for Starbucks and people doing Starbucks runs.
Imatallguy ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 23:40:25 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
So basically an evil God?
C0L4ND3R ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 23:42:03 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
You misunderstood me, it's SLIGHT misunderstandings.
Like when people slightly misunderstand what kind of god you are.
I'm pretty sure I'd be more of a neutral god.
Imatallguy ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 23:55:19 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Ah I see, except there is never a 'slight' misunderstanding at Starbucks. Well according to the guests anyway lol
[deleted] ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 23:39:02 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The god of odorless farts.
Let one slip in a potential socially awkward scenario and I'm your guy. I will take upon myself the weight of your odiferous transgressions, a buttonement if you will. But in order to currie my favor you must offer up a sacrifice of one live chicken immediately after the flatulent effluence has escaped your crevass but before it reaches the nostrils of bystanders.
Of course it's probably more socially awkward to have a live chicken on your person at all times and of course whipping one out and savagely murdering it to the dulcet tones of elevator music may be a dead give away to having dealt it, not to mention even more socially damaging;
but since when has religion had to make sense?
GalaxyPhi ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 23:39:09 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I would be the God of removing animal hair from your clothes and furniture, please I have an interview and after a friend coming over!
SmallThingsGod ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 23:39:22 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
When you approach a main road and need to turn across oncoming traffic, and all the lanes are clear, you thank /u/SmallThingsGod
notthemonth ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 23:39:22 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I would be the Goddess of Remembering that Thing or Person.
You know when you can't remember the name of the actor that was in that one movie? The guy that was in like three shows you just watched, too? If you please me you'll remember as soon as you've stopped trying. Anger me and you'll figure it out eventually but only after agonizing over it for three weeks but being too lazy to look it up.
scrapmetal17 ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 23:39:24 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The god of indifference.
I mean, if you want to worship me you can I guess. It's whatever.
Darksoulja ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 23:39:34 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The god of workday-lunch-verdicts. All employees will be back in 1 hour now that I am lord of decision-making and thwarting dissension and mutiny.
Krasniye ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 23:40:06 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of bugs flying away when you open a window. Spite me and that fly will never leave the room for its 2 week lifespan!
CouchWill ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 23:40:15 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Pickles, I'd be the god of pickles.
peppers_ ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 23:41:03 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of Morning Wood.
M1sterDave ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 23:41:21 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Breathing. People would take me for granted, until they can't breathe for whatever reason.
jacksprat870 ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 23:41:39 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Peeling hard boiled eggs.
jim10040 ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 23:41:47 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of Comfortable Pillow. Whatever you need your pillow to be, warmer or cooler or softer or firmer, or just a little bit higher off your shoulder, ask me.
JordyJor01 ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 23:42:08 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of batteries. I'm the reason battery life seems inconsistent.
Roarian ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 23:42:11 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I'd be the God of Atheism. The confusion alone would be totally worth it.
OnceInABluMoon ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 23:42:13 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I would love to be the Goddess of Drunk Texting. Every ounce of regret you feel over what you said to your ex last night would fuel my power.
BumpBumpBahDump ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 23:42:31 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Color calibration and tire rotation.
jkubed ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 23:43:26 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The god of that thing where you're just about to sneeze and your friend's all "what's up?" And you suddenly freeze. But you still have that nose tingle, it's a horrible tease and you're like "fuuuuuck."
Darling_Water_Tyrant ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 23:44:25 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Goddess of annoying water leaks. Neglect me, and suddenly you wake up at 2 AM wondering wtf inspired your faucet to start dripping. I suggest you treat me well whenever embarking on plumbing projects, mwahahaha!
[deleted] ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 23:45:34 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of dogs.
Thirteensin ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 23:45:43 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I would be the god you curse because of asshole drivers, I mean someones got to do it right? I'd really be saving you... you just don't know it.
[deleted] ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 23:46:42 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
No one is going to see this, but I would be god of immediate forgetfulness of trivial things.
When you check the time and then forget what time it was literally five seconds later, so you have to pull your phone out to check again? If you don't worship properly I will make sure you do this two, three, or four times in under a minute.
hmousley ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 23:47:15 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The tying of one's shoes.
cestlahaley ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 23:47:53 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The God of Getting Gas In Your Car.
LYNCHY36 ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 23:49:22 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of sleep
My new legislation will fix all sleeping problems even up to insomnia
I will be loved
Gwenifer223 ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 23:49:42 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I will be the God of, "These jeans seem clean enough, I'll wear them again tomorrow."
AdventWeed ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 23:50:38 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Eyelash stuck in Eye God. Why? Because fuck you.
tarna927 ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 23:51:10 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Bacon. I am the Goddess of perfectly cooked bacon. Praise me and you shall always have perfectly cooked bacon and will be able to eat as much as you like without weight gain or risk of a heart attack. Don't praise me and your bacon will always be under or over cooked and each slice will add 5 pounds.
Nut_sack_attack ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 23:51:56 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I would be the god of wifi
[deleted] ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 23:52:06 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The God of Pre-Pain Hang Time. that moment that happens when you stump your toe and it doesn't hurt for a split second and you know the pain is coming. Pray to me and the time will be lengthened. Long enough for your to make proper arrangements.
CallMeGdubG ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 23:52:14 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
This fun subject is explored in a humorous fashion in the White-Wolf role-playing game Exalted, where the gods are so tied down with bureaucracy that it's difficult to get anything done. I recommend it.
letters25 ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 23:53:21 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of trick shots, basically whenever you try to make any kind of trick shot you will get it instantly. Want that pencil over in that cup, you got it.
lolmnater101 ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 23:55:01 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I would be the God of earphones. All who praise me will put their earbuds in their pockets and take the out UNTANGLED. Its a miracle, I know.
Defendprivacy ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 23:58:42 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The god of unplanned pregnancy close calls.
combuchan ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 23:58:48 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Watching over-the-air TV. It's fairly low responsibility, just ensuring that RF is traveling like RF should and making sure random things don't randomly explode in the transmission shack.
I'd get certified in Deity of Crossover Network Connections next.
jcsii ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 23:59:23 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The God of dog sneezes.
Thiago270398 ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 23:59:26 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The god of video games, tv, netflix and eletronic entertainment in general... i rule the fucking world
rudb0i ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 00:00:49 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The God of coincidence.
Hes_Spartacus ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 00:01:32 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Spreadsheets. Why quit my day job?
goldenranger10 ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 00:02:20 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The God of video game feels.
Congratulations to all you FFVII players, you now have someone to blame.
polakbob ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 00:02:23 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of Netflix and other online TV sites - a blessing from me nets you immediately finding the show you actually want to to watch and not spending an hour browsing through every category thinking everything looks okay, but nothing you want to waste your time on right that moment.
irving47 ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 00:02:59 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I'll be the Deity of Network Link Lights.
Smite me or my interests in any way, and you will find your WiFi AP and untold numbers of other devices unable to talk.
mithoron ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 00:03:32 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Jeff the God of Biscuits is the only option...
MineWiz ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 00:04:13 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I am Jeff, God of being accidentally awesome with no one to see. I shall tool with mortals and curse them with this terrible burden of being a secret ninja. Nobody shall believe my victims when they tell of these extravagant achievements, for I declare it.
BOW TO ME
CLOPjuice ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 00:04:41 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Behold the god of lag-spikes. Anger me, and nobody will believe it was lag :)
No1eFan ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 00:05:34 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
cleaning up God-Poop.
They shit on people every day, someone has to clean it up.
[deleted] ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 00:06:22 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Memeus, God of all things Dank
Patron of Pepe investors
The one who is tryin to make a change :-/
Chewer of Jollyranchers
Reminder of the unwinable game
Healer of broken arms
jhra ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 00:06:46 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The God of generous torrent seeding
butsumetsu ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 00:06:58 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
googling
bigghimself ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 00:07:01 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
music
Nero_MD ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 00:07:10 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The God of a having a really satisfying scratch.
mikequirk1 ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 00:07:52 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Vaccuuming
AbueloHD ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 00:08:13 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I would be the god of asshat supervisors. Pray to me, and offer a small sacrifice in the form of the ID10-T form your asshat requested of you and you shall never work with that supervisor again.
areraswen ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 00:08:53 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The god of pooping. I have crohn's disease so I feel like I have a lot of first hand experience that I could put to use.
bridgehog ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 00:08:58 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I'd say God of banging your pinky toe on furniture. Cross me and you're toe is going to explode
MedSyd ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 00:09:08 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The God of TPS reports...thatd be great.
InsaneDane ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 00:09:10 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The God of Brownian motion. Keeping cigarette smoke from drifting through open doorways, mixing milk into the coffee without stirring it, and safe zones in eddies on fast moving rivers are my domain.
[deleted] ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 00:10:12 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
7343 bottles of beer on the ground, if another one fell what the hell couple more million bottles of beers on the wall...
bigomon ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 00:10:27 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
GOD of intimidating Burps. Someone is being anoying, you mentally pray to me "how can I shut him up without saying th words" and then a mighty burp erupts from your mouth. The speaker is left in awe, and even forgets what he was saying.
Evilia ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 00:12:02 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I would be Diagnosius, God of fixing those random confusing computer difficulties that you have no idea what the fuck to do until you try something really random and it works.
backmask ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 00:12:42 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Pooping.
Few things are as great as a satisfying dump. If you are in my grace, you will be blessed with the type of poop of your favor- the type that most satisfies you- being pooping at work, a quick-and-clear, and so on.
If you are not in my grace, however, I will ruin you. The range of my abilities to punish is immense. I can leave you immobile with cramps of constipation, or make you very mobile, only to the bathroom, with the trots.
Shitting can control your life, so keep me happy with a sacrifice of high-value shit tickets and adequate reading material.
Roarisson748 ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 00:13:00 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of Calculus
piglauncher ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 00:13:46 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I want to be the god of vending machines--dispensing justice 25 cents at a time
Gypsy_Biscuit ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 00:14:50 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of Fuck It. When shit geta complicated, it's me who gives you pemission and blessings to walk away. When the going gets tough..fuck it. Perseverence is for suckers.....go have a cocktail instead.
agrajagthemighty ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 00:15:04 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Paperclips.
WizardPowersActivate ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 00:15:29 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I'm good.
NowContainsAFlavor ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 00:15:51 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of keeping 2 and 3 year olds content. Appease me, and I will gift your little potential hellian with a bout of patience and sweetness. Anger me, and I will find ways to unleash their full tantrum-throwing ability until you beg for mercy.
Jeresaurusrex ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 00:16:54 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Nations will build monuments in my honor, virgins will be sacrificed to me daily, blood will run through the streets, and cities will burn. For I am a dark and powerful god. I make you hear your cell phone ring when you haven't been called.
[deleted] ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 00:16:55 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I would be the god of broken headphones. If you made me mad your headphones would break, but if you made happy your headphones would be indestructible.
Traumatic_ ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 00:17:17 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I'd be the God of Toilet paper.
Be in my good graces and you will never happen upon an empty roll.
Anger me and every time you shit, piss or wank, you will only ever find the last square of the cheapest, thinnest single ply you can imagine.
And, no matter how you fold or scrunch, your finger will always break through.
AbigailLilac ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 00:17:26 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I call being the goddess of cat snuggles. Everyone who wouldn't abuse a cat gets allergy-free cat snuggles whenever they need them.
Sometimes when you're alone at night and you feel torn up inside, you need a nice fluffy purring cat to hold onto.
[deleted] ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 00:18:09 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I would be the god of noticing what is usually an automatic bodily function. Did you just notice you blink? Blame me. Did you just notice you breathe? Blame me.
What sacrifice is righteous before such a demonic hell-god? Why, remembering me and all my gifts, but of course. lol.
Oh I'm sorry. Did I just tell you to sacrifice to me by remembering me, in order to get rid of me, but now you cannot stop thinking of me? Elephant Elephant Elephant, fuck you.
Exodan ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 00:18:22 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
u/Exodan, Daimyo of the Five Passing Winds, Shepherd of Odiferous Airs, Overseer of Nightentide Ovens and Captain of the Silent Fume.
tigerslices ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 00:19:07 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
god of the sound of the opening of the soda can.
preckkkokshuuiffffshhhhh!
Vomix ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 00:19:24 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I am the god of "calling dibs." Every time someone calls dibs on something, it's my job to keep a file on who called dibs, on what, when, where, and whether or not the "dibs" was subsequently respected by those present.
Those to call dibs on something they are reasonably allowed to call dibs upon, and who then claim their dibbed item in timely fashion, those that respect the dibs of others, those that maintain the dibs called on behalf on the caller in their absence, and those that deny unwarranted dibs to those that would abuse be privelege of dibs shall be my favored.
Those that call dibs too often, or for things un-dib-able, those that do not respect the called dibs of others, those that call dibs and thereafter to not claim that which was dibbed, and those that do not uphold a valid dib made in their presence in the absence of said dibber...may their dibs be ever denied.
TheManTheLegend12 ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 00:19:55 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Traffic
datalies ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 00:22:44 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
data
Bukaj ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 00:23:17 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I'd be the God of wasting time on the Internet... Maybe I'll click on just one more thread....
Illuminaughty21 ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 00:23:20 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Dogs
Captain_Kilo ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 00:23:29 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I would be the God of printers/copiers. I'd get so many prayers.
[deleted] ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 00:23:59 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The goddess of internet speeds and connection. It would be in everyone's best inrerest to make sure I am never displeased.
IncognitoDoorknob ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 00:24:15 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I'd be the god of being the perfect temperature butter to put on toast, to prevent angry toast holes.
KidBeene ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 00:25:10 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Masturbation.
pjsans ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 00:25:33 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I would be the God of packed lunches.
Never again would people have to worry about the fact that they have to go to school and work early in the morning and then won't get back home until super late and you forgot your lunch so now you have to eat the crappy ramen noodles you kept with you, but then rolls around another mealtime and you've got nothing and you could've saved the crappy ramen noodles for now, but it's too late and you're hungry and concentrating is hard because your stomach is crying and you're supposed to have this meeting at 9pm for a presentation you have to give the next day but you've been out since 7:00am and you're just tired and want some food, but you have to wait for this stupid meeting where one of the people doesn't contribute at all and is really annoying and it's gonna take all your energy not to get on their case when they make excuses but you won't be able to concentrate because your stomach is pleading with you, and as sympathetic as you are towards your stomach, there's nothing you can do. So you just cry in side....and then outside...
Sorry guys, I'm really hungry....
tornados_with_knives ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 00:25:42 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Kitchen utensils and breeze.
DraconisRex ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 00:25:53 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Robots. I will be the God of the Robots. In my ordinary, mundane, every-day life, I am currently a robot master. Oh, sure, it's not much now, but I imagine being an entry-level God of the Robots will be a preeeeetty sweet gig, once the singularity happens.
LadyVetinari ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 00:27:49 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)*
Patron goddess of utensils that get caught while opening drawers.
Sgt_45Bravo ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 00:28:11 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Mopping and running the floor buffer. Plenty of people do that.
marucOG ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 00:29:06 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The god of evenly spread butter.
lapidaryleporidae ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 00:29:24 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
god of procrastinating. anger me and thee shalt not have thine homework ready. my offerings shall be the mugs of coffee you drop because thou art tired beyond comprehension. please me and thine teachers/bosses shall be merciful and give you an extra day. FEAR ME MORTALS
Undalabaca ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 00:29:37 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I think I'd want to be a semi evil god. Like the god of papercuts or stubbed toes.
im_not_afraid ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 00:29:40 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I'll be that god atheists talk about when swearing because nothing else comes to mind
BMIdoesnotlie ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 00:40:31 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Don't take Zeus' name in vein.
im_not_afraid ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 00:43:19 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
lokilullaby ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 00:30:20 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Random Erections.
FlashingManiac ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 00:30:43 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I'll be the god of Yamaha LS-9 mixers, those things are everywhere, my church has 3 of them. I could control sound systems all over the world.
dwilliam16 ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 00:31:48 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The god of toilet paper lasting until the last wipe when you need it.
coolfir3pwnz ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 00:31:56 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The God of finding $5 - $10 in your pants pocket.
CliftonForce ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 00:32:40 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Junk mail!
BMIdoesnotlie ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 00:35:10 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
That position is already taken up by hades, try again.
amgvl28 ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 00:34:17 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of the Considerate.
sjp245 ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 00:34:20 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
That moment where your feet are on the floor, and you are about to climb out of bed after waking up. Just that moment of "Okay, here we go..." before standing up and getting to the day.
necrobeets ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 00:34:40 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The God of hats those who please me get a nice fitting cap, sinners who go against my wishes get early balding. The heathen Trilby wearers are punished with no sex for eternity.
swagsaucejr ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 00:34:59 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of Premature Ejaculation. Fear my power.
Rohri_Calhoun ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 00:35:36 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I would be the Goddess of fresh towels and linens. There is nothing nicer than sleeping in a fresh smelling bed and being wrapped in a clean, warm towel.
semantik ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 00:36:17 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The god of Onomatopoeias. If you praise me, I would automatically correct the onomatopoeia sound from your mouth so as to not make you feel like a complete outcast from whatever part of the world you are in. You can speak fluent onomatopoeia.
greenlightning ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 00:36:30 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The god of letting out a questionable fart and not sharting. It'll be pretty obvious who doesn't pray to me....
Rhana ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 00:36:34 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Under the watchful eye of Athena, I am Textius, the God of all things textable. About to send that drunk text to your ex? Pray to me and I'll guide you to sending it to your aunt in Burbank that barely knows how to answer her phone. Misspell a word only slightly, I'll be there to replace it with a word that makes no banana. Want to be flirty, but can't find the words, sacrifice some battery life to me and I'll put in a new keyboard of emoji for you. I can even make someone completely lose your number permanently, but that requires a great sacrifice, your phone screen, within 2 days of getting a new phone for the rest of your life.
blind_devotion08 ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 00:37:40 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I'd be the god of purchase taxes. Worshiping is easy and you do it every day you buy a thing.
speadskater ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 00:38:02 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I'll be the god of peeing after sex.
edbods ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 00:38:41 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The god of retrievable dropped tools.
Working on a vehicle engine and your tool slips out of your hands, hoping to hell that it doesn't get stuck in the maze of hoses and belts? Piss me off and you can kiss that spanner goodbye. Make my day and there shall be tools ever-dropping.
CBRN_IS_FUN ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 00:38:45 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Chemical, Biological, Radiological and Nuclear Weapons.
ConnorMc1eod ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 00:39:58 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Connor, God of Sycophants.
PangoriaFallstar ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 00:41:43 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The God of starting projects. Pray to someone else if you want them to get done.
BigOldCar ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 00:42:08 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I am Podiatus, god of socks. When you please me, I reward you with comfortable, fresh, clean socks. When I am displeased, I banish just one of your socks to Hades, forcing you to decide how to deal with an odd number: will you throw out a perfectly good sock just because you can't find it's match? Or hold onto it into perpetuity with the hope that it's opposite number will eventually resurface?
What ever will you do?
lovelytrout ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 00:43:15 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I would reside over pet dander. The good god fearing people of this over populated planet shall kneel before me or forever be vacuuming their futons.
oblistic ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 00:44:02 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Awkwardios, god of awkwardness. I can make your life an awkward hell or team up with the god of awesome to give you socially awkward awesome moments and vice versa. I pick on highschool kids the most because it's funny and means so much to them. Pray to me as awkwardly as you can in the panthenon.
[deleted] ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 00:46:27 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The God of Short Commercial Breaks. My followers will be blessed with short commercial breaks and have only the commercials they enjoy seeing.
Waluigifan ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 00:47:22 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The god/demon of sloth. I encourage you to rest and relax in moderation if you please me, but tick me off and all of your work ethic will be gone and a cloud of apathy will follow you wherever you go.
jking124 ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 00:48:15 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The god of night classes, I probably wouldn't do much cus I'd be asleep, sorry peeps
demize95 ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 00:48:52 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of properly locked coplock duty belts.
It's quite mundane, it's uncommon, it's the perfect place to throw the new guy. It doesn't even give me any room to favor those who favor me, just to mildly irritate those who fall out of my favor.
Cheerzy ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 00:48:59 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The God of procrastination. I get to read Reddit all day!
CMcFuckinD ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 00:49:16 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Goddess of always being the right temperature. Don't worship me? Always be too hot or too cold. Also applies to the shower temperature.
GQuestioningThrowAwy ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 00:51:11 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The goddess of masturbation. Every time you're doing the deed solo, I'll be there guiding you with each movement.
colddonkey ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 00:51:19 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of Junk Mail disposal. It would be the only way to keep my wife away from credit card applications.
ElderKnowledge1 ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 00:51:52 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The God of Slippy Surfaces. Bow down to the awesome power of the 'slippery when wet' sign, and the bar of soap that slips in the shower.
HannibalAlderson ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 00:52:26 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I am the God of that feeling you get when a pen/paintbrush flows perfectly on its medium.
Curse me and every pencil you use will be plagued with broken lead and your pens will constantly look full but run out of ink when you need them.
Ixidane ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 00:52:35 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I'll be the minor god in charge of handing out good bones and calcium when they thank Mr. Skeltal, and also for reporting people who don't updoot the post.
valupaq ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 00:52:37 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Sharp Pencils! Fuck yah
whiskeytobacco ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 00:52:55 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Real estate, of course! :)
phantom240 ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 00:57:22 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The god of bowel movements.
Of course, it seems mundane and everyday... but nothing ruins your day like explosive diarrhea, or tearing your asshole open with an unfortunately hard shit.
thefuzzybunny1 ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 00:57:24 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I am the goddess of subway staircases. You worship me by walking up them instead of looking for the nearest escalator. Extra prayer points for helping a parent carry a stroller down one.
If you gain my favor, you won't trip or step on garbage.
tormakir ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 00:59:00 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of untangled cords. Pray to me, and your cords will be perfectly orderly.
ZerexTheCool ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 01:01:06 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I would be "The God of creating and remembering unreasonably long and complicated acronyms that include more exception then rules, but don't let that fool you into thinking there are not very many rules; but also unnecessarily short acronyms that could easily be replaced by the word spoken in full."
or TGoCaRULCAtIMETR,bd'tltFYTTaNVMR;bAUSATCERWSiF for short
Karmafication ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 01:01:38 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of Pigeons. Cross me and my flock will shit on everything you love.
[deleted] ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 01:04:33 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)*
Too late too the party, but I'd pick Weeds. I'd be the God of all Weeds.
Smite me in RagWeed season? Ha!
Love me in growing season? Your Trees shall flourish.
CaptainPitkid ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 01:08:40 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of Storage Media If you worship me, you'll never have to worry about your hard disks failing. Your solid states will never run out of write cycles. Cross me and your data shall burn.
Doktor_Jensen ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 01:09:46 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I'd be Murkules, god of unclean water
occupybourbonst ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 01:10:18 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I'd most definitely be the god of missing socks. All would fear me.
[deleted] ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 01:10:22 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Asked my mother this question: "I would be the god of farts! I would ban them".
MultivariateCalc ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 01:11:29 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I'll be the god of the internet, piss me off and I'll slow your connection and/or disconnect you every few minutes.
IFartConfetti ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 01:11:56 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Office supplies, with emphasis on paper clips and post-its. Office managers across the planet would leave offerings of confetti to appease me!
NexusCordra ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 01:12:04 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of road rage. My holy symbol is a middle finger reaching for the heavens.
MechanicOfDerp ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 01:12:18 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of faulty stuff. Keep me happy and you shall receive the best quality stuff. Anger me, and you shall search everlastingly for non faulty stuff.
NaZGuL523 ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 01:12:56 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The god of tits and wine
TheFlyingBogey ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 01:15:07 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I'd be the God of second-hand embarrassment, so whenever people are watching The Inbetweeners or anything else that makes you cringe and feel embarrassed for those on your TV screen will feel every ounce of embarrassment the other is feeling.
R1PKEN ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 01:17:15 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Oh man I fear it's too late for this, but I would want to be the God of finally getting that thing unstuck from your teeth
RedditingMyLifeAway ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 01:18:39 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The god of What the Fuck Did I Come In This Room For?
Tyrannusverticalis ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 01:19:24 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I am the God of Q-tips, because when you have an irritating itch in your ear, you'll beg me for one. Seriously, next time you have an itch in your ear, try to ignore it. You can't! Now bow!
LordMaroons ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 01:20:17 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of not having things stick to the frying pan.
Gibboni5 ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 01:20:50 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Definately the god of technology. You rule technology, you basically rule the world and everything in it
LonelyStargazer ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 01:23:38 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Goddess of Wi-Fi connections and internet speed.
Go ahead, asshole. Piss me off.
King_elessar ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 01:24:53 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of Wifi and Signal Reception. Raise your devices and stand up to be blessed.
milagr05o5 ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 01:25:40 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of This Second. Nothing happens without my say so, Now trumps everything.
[deleted] ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 01:27:07 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I'll be the God that makes you sneeze when you're peeing and makes your piss fly all over the fucking room
mr_indigo ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 01:28:26 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of commuting.
There's a real sliding scale of how much I can punish you but very little in the way of rewards.
RazielDune ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 01:28:37 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I am God of Printers. muhahahahahha
GoldenBeatrice ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 01:28:57 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The goddess of the weird ideas and conversations people have when high or at 3 am :)
liarandahorsethief ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 01:30:01 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I would be the God of Spellign and Punctuation,
FortheredditLOLz ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 01:30:33 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of 'Fuck it'
The one who will grant you the state of "no fucks given".
Stressed out day? Fuck it. Final term paper before semester ends? Fuck it. Your baby's mother wants a cut of YOUR paycheck? Fuck it
Malolo_Moose ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 01:30:39 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Meth
IvoryTardis ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 01:33:05 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The god of shitty internet. Pray to me and you shall receive 30+mbs. Forsake me and I will shit on your modem
[deleted] ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 01:33:34 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of computer hiccups. You know when you're editing that file and you forget to save and it starts to not respond? That's me. Fuck you.
Rainbowspark ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 01:33:46 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The god of mail arrival. Making your mail get there the day before you need it if you order something on amazon/online
Zeus420 ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 01:34:21 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I will be the God of Good Weed.
As long as I am satisfied, all weed you consume (regardless of the cheap, low grade, dirt weed you purchased) will instantly become the highest of high once you inhale. Your buzz will be lasting, vivid, and vibrant whilst invisible to law enforcement/ over bearing parents/ partners/ or broke friends.
Ill also keep your kitchen FULL and your TV funny.
I Require weekly rituals, preferably on Fridays at 4.20pm GMT, where ceremonial rolls and bowls can be passed around in honour of myself.
Dishonour my godliness and may every toke you breath be devoid of strength and potency, with a stubbed out cigarette taste. Ill also ensure whenever you roll up, youll rip the rizla/blunt/paper right at the end where you lick it. Every single time.
Dracofaerie2 ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 01:36:15 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of clearing paper jams.
It's a small task, but one that makes others eternally grateful.
penea2 ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 01:36:15 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of wanking.
7LeagueBoots ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 01:37:00 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The god of empty seats next to you on airplane, bus, train, and boat trips.
just_zhis_guy ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 01:37:18 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I am the god of Lost TV Remotes.
Call upon me in thy time of need and, if ye be worthy, thou art shall change channels from the comfort of thy own couch.
Mellowsnake ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 01:38:04 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of small objects not falling right in that hole where they could fit right into and be lost forever.
FuckYourPoachedEggs ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 01:39:58 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of Tea.
Invoke me when your kettle needs descalation, you need help with your samovar, or just for a chat over a cuppa when you're lonely.
hagelicious ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 01:41:30 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
keyboards - just the 1st thing that came to mind
Krail ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 01:42:49 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I would be the god of fidget toys.
Clicky pens, slinkies, stress balls, any object solid and resonant enough to drum on, that funny way your lip folds when you run your finger over it just so. All of these things lie within my purview.
Jibaro123 ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 01:43:35 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Warm socks.
megaSUPT ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 01:43:49 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The God of coming to a thread too late, if you pray to me you may get 1 or 2 up votes, if your lucky.
Jimmy_Hoffas_Tailor ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 01:47:50 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of unexpected pocket money. Jeans or jacket with the $20 in the pocket? I hooked you up, flapjack.
Depraved1 ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 01:48:30 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I'd be the god of organization. With a flick of my wrist junk drawers, octopus chords, closets piled high, will be no more.
Unicorncreamcorn ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 01:51:56 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The goddess of making your dog poop very fast.
wildwanker ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 01:52:36 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The God of walking the Dog.
thehatkid ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 01:54:03 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The God of Airline Seat Neighbors.
Please me and you will find yourself wrapped in immersive conversation or sweet, beautiful sleep.
Or feel my wrath with an unbathed, shouting drunk who then falls asleep on you and snores and drools, paired with the shrill cries and rhythmless kicking of unwatched children and the yammering of an impatient businesswoman on the world's most intense conference call.
Boarding group 1A Premier Diamond may begin boarding.
Sugwa ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 01:54:41 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The God of Printers. Appease me and you will have your essay with no issues 5 minutes before you have to leave to turn it in. Anger me and you will have an essay no more.
acheronshunt ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 01:55:21 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The God of Minor Inconveniences. I'm why your shoelaces and hoodie cords get uneven and why your desk chair is never quite the right height for you.
fuck_jayz ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 01:58:39 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The God of Dope Rhymes, Meek Mill will forever rot in hell.
blob209 ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 01:59:03 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The God of being average.
[deleted] ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 01:59:05 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Mason Sailor moon is loosing power by the minute.
Sharkeh_ ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 01:59:05 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of videogame tutorials. Sigh No, press F! The key to the right of D! No! that's S!
Julum ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 02:00:01 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Can I be the god of RNG in games?
Please me and you will get your desired loot, anger me and you will never get an item upgrade.
OhHeyItsReece ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 02:01:30 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
VIDEEEEOOOOGAAAAAAAMESS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!11
randomdanglingbits ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 02:01:43 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I would be the God of cat litter. Bow before me you fucking lowly peasants. I shall assault your nasal passages unless you appease me. Constantly.
meatduck17 ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 02:04:36 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Breakfast sandwiches.
In my grace your croissant would always be golden Browns, your cheese always melty and the sandwich warm enough to be enjoyable but not too warm to burn the roof of your mouth
kateohkatie ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 02:06:35 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The goddess of someone else getting up and saying "I'm going to the kitchen. You need anything?" every time you want a drink or snack.
BoozeoisPig ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 02:06:55 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
/r/askreddit threads. BOW BEFORE ME MORTALS!
DjBorscht ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 02:11:38 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of not getting food stuck in your teeth. Floss altars in my honor!
dillywin ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 02:12:24 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Sitting
Sorceress683 ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 02:12:29 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Train delays. How many millions of people every day look up and say, please don't let my train be late?
drewthat ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 02:13:24 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Lost keys.
Commissar_Genki ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 02:18:46 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The god of the Pinch-and-Roll.
thosetwo ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 02:19:39 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Video games.
Achmedos ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 02:23:29 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The god of 9gag posts! I say who goes on "what's hot" Displease me an I will make someone steal your posts and get higher votes!
Indoorsman ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 02:24:07 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Lord of the streets. Whenever someone drunk drives, or street races illegally I come out of the sky, riding the clouds straight down to the ground, and the clouds form around me into an all black car of my choosing and I wreck my target leaving them dead or crippled and the streets safe for decent fucking people.
[deleted] ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 02:35:08 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The Shiva, god of Fantasy Football. Get tons of praise for 16 weeks, take the rest of the year off.
Jess_than_three ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 02:56:46 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Socks. Most everybody wears them. They're about as mundane as you can get. But they're honestly pretty important. Comfy ones are crucial, and fun ones are great. I could deal with being the goddess of socks.
halfadash6 ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 03:01:26 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Cheese.
eeeicram ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 03:07:57 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Goddess of Sleep. My powers include sleeping 14 hours at a clip and napping at the drop of a hat.
FromLurks_toriches ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 03:11:52 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I would be the god of papercuts. Mundane enough to be a D-list god but important enough that you'd remember my name.
Maeglom ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 03:14:53 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of late night snacks. My muses would whisper to you of chicken salad and kimchi sandwiches. Those in my grace will find forgotten leftovers in the fridge that is just what hits the spot.
Phylar ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 03:17:22 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I shall be the god of procrastination! All shall worship at a moment of their choosing, whenever they decide to choose it...in fact, I think I'll announce my godship tomorrow.
Gabi_Alex ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 03:36:04 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I'll be the all mighty God of Pizza and I will have lots of flowers that will love me.
RedditMayne ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 03:36:38 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
March 5th
lunasolaris ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 03:43:11 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I shall be the god of minor inconveniences. My worshipers will pray to me and that guy they don't like at work will find a pebble in his shoe or get stuck behind someone driving too slow! Bwahahaha!
[deleted] ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 03:49:19 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
god of stable internet connection
Havib3 ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 03:52:15 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The God of cracking open your textbook at the perfect page.
Cyber_Toon ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 03:54:27 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)*
I'd be the god of getting that promotion or pay raise you've been wishing for. If you anger me, you shall stay where you are or get demotions and/or pay cuts.
Annamaria51 ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 03:56:05 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Goddess of Things Stuck in Drawers.
Nutsnboltz ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 03:57:27 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Fast food and novelty items
godofgainz ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 04:00:23 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)*
I would be the God of Gainz. Pray to me and I will abundant you with mad pumps. Forsake me and I will forsoke your precious strenth and banish you to the gym of eternal missing pins, torn pads, slippery grips, non-matching dumbbells, and that fucking broner that camps out on the one machine you need to complete your workout.
triple-lift ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 04:07:39 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
i would choose to be the god of "that small bit of happiness you get when you find a heads-up penny on the ground"
part-time-unicorn ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 04:13:59 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
what about tails up pennies? I like those better. unless theyre the new pennies. those have shitty tails
triple-lift ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 04:19:15 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
that's my rival intern. dude c'mon please pray for heads up pennies. i cant lose another internship, my dad will be so disappointed in me
part-time-unicorn ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 04:20:10 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
sorry man, I just pick up any coin I can... I'll hope they're heads up though
SmartSoda ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 04:08:16 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of Relief - I am only an entry level so I command 5 seconds of relief.
You ever wanted to approach a person, but you're too scared? Well now, there's a five second rule of relief for you to be able to!
Are you ever nervous to take a shit in public? You now have five seconds to get your ass to the bathroom!
Have you ever wanted to tell someone something, but you're too nervous\ashamed to do so? You now have five seconds to test the waters!
I don't even know if I'll ever want to be promoted.
drunkryan ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 04:09:56 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Pothole God, aka I don't give a shit and good luck.
DaJanzk ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 04:12:38 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I would be Hades's right hand man as the god of that table leg that you always stub your toe on.
SakuraFerretTrainer ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 04:14:03 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I'd be a god of ferrets. Can you imagine having control of every ferret in the world? DISRESPECT ME AND THAT'S IT! SEA OF FERRETS DESCEND DOWN UPON YOU WITH THEIR SHARP TEETH TO STEAL YOUR KEYS AND WALLETS!
part-time-unicorn ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 04:22:14 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Armageddon of adorable
navonodmail ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 04:38:08 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of having just enough gas to get to where you are going and back.
mydearbrother ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 04:40:05 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Behold, for I am the great god Dammit. I keep a list of all potential damming inventory for my superior.
LittleLuxThatCould- ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 05:20:11 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I am the God of finding the movie theater cup-holder during a movie. If you are devout your drink will always land directly in the cup-holder but if you are not, you will so miss that funny and/or important scene.
[deleted] ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 05:22:05 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The God of you thought something was all gone but you shake the container and it turns out there's one more.
[deleted] ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 05:22:37 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The god of null reference errors. I'll feed off the blood of newbie programmers.
tomiop ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 05:27:45 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I would be the god of random goosebumps
ComputerSavvy ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 05:49:02 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I would be Sildenafilicus, the God of Morning Wood and Random Erections!
Rise my loyal subjects! Rise! Do not go softly in to the night!
Pray to me and I shall allow you to evacuate your near bursting bladder in the morning. Ignore my need for worship and I shall make my presence known when you are standing in front of the class, your grand mother and if I really take a disliking to you, in the presence of little boys and the police.
StarChild413 ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 06:17:05 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Assuming some kind of Greco-Roman pantheon going on, I'd be a 10th Muse, the Muse of Stories; invoked by every writer of fiction and responsible for e.g. the feeling of wonder you get from losing yourself in a completely different "world"
sworcerer ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 06:49:57 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Goddess of that feeling of relief when a horrible/inconvenient thing ALMOST happens but it doesn't 'cause you luck out and in that moment, you feel blessed. Almost caused a five car pile up but you DIDN'T (praise be). Stepped on your glasses and thought you broke 'em but you DIDN'T (hallelujah). Thought you lost your keys but you DIDN'T (amen).
Hanshee ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 06:53:45 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The God of unfinished pimples that come back a few days later after you think they have been abolished.
Koras ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 07:02:04 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of spinny chairs
PvtBacon1stClass ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 07:06:01 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I would be the god of traffic. Oh the horror I will bring down upon you. My abilities will consist of...
controlling wether or not you decide to fill up your tank after work for the next day so you don't have to get gas at 8am
magically teleporting your car keys to random places (dishwasher, behind the toilet, behind your dresser)
surprise construction zones
getting stuck behind a car going 15 under the speed limit
complete control of traffic lights
and general traffic patterns; no side road u use will be quicker
iwanttobebettertomme ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 07:35:26 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The god of maintiance. Making sure that all the Gods powers work as the want them to. Knowledge is power.
mnw13 ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 07:37:33 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I would be the God of post-it notes with quotes you need to get through a rough time, taped around your walls....making sure that each person has their prescribed antidote with tailored words of wisdom for anything they are in need of reminding of for that period.
onlynag ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 07:43:15 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of remembering when to stop drinking at a party/bar. Pray hard and I might at least give you a time lapse view of what happened the night earlier so that you don't live a lie.
rbcMD ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 08:02:02 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Tits and wine
DocGerbill ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 08:02:28 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I would be the god of comebacks.
amor_slender ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 08:05:37 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The God of Tardiness!
I'm late for this thread, and probably late for the job interview with the gods.
..
camelCasing ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 08:18:41 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of things you lose inside your own home. With my favour, you might not find it when you want it, but you will find it when you need it.
gashnal ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 08:33:23 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of Spending entirely too much time on Reddit....
gocereal ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 09:27:37 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I'll be the goddess of that burning sensation in your ears that you get when you get water in it that people say that's how you know someone is talking about you.
narwilliam ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 09:55:04 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The god of pebbles, why you ask? Well why not.
Flaypick ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 10:22:50 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The God of decent black coffee: Aribicator
CPH1987 ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 11:16:19 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of everybody on vacation trying to find some weed
pollo4546 ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 12:41:21 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Dreams
[deleted] ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 12:52:22 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Making perfect toast.
Laytnor ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 13:35:47 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Can I be a god of objects too? I'd be a god of knives. The edgiest god of them all.
[deleted] ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 14:18:11 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Goddess of domestic cats.
darksingularity1 ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 15:02:54 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The God of Forgetting Whether You Locked Your Car
Or GFWYLYC
zoomer296 ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 16:35:43 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I'd be the god of friends of friends. If you have a problem while you're in my favor, you will find out that one of your friends has a friend that can fix it.
puppetmaster2501 ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 19:43:45 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of Dust -- I make sure uncleaned homes generate the appropriate amount of dust that would be expected from the observable laws of physics that typically govern or are relevant to dust.
JoeThill13 ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 21:58:56 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Thilloneous. God of impulse buys.
danyedits ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 22:54:37 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I am the Goddess of Office Workers. I shall bless you and keep you sane, make sure there is always fresh coffee, and smite that fuck from HR who always keeps talking about synergy and blue sky sessions. Anger me, and your photocopiers will break, and I will put you in meetings. All day, every day.
cassie_hill ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 21:12:11 on September 12, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I would be goddess of the sweet, sweet bag fry found in almost all fast-food carry out containers. Give me monthly sacrifices of a Big Mac and maybe I'll be kind enough to grant you two bag fries.
[deleted] ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 11:03:47 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Roundabouts. Use a roundabout properly and you'll get your wings.
If not, you'll be destined to hell, where you'll be going round roundabouts forever.
ArbainHestia ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:46:10 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Damn you Ooh look, It's Big Ben & Parliament!
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 01:19:59 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
So.... You'll "be my roundabout?"
TheloniusFunk92 ยท 13 points ยท Posted at 11:47:44 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The god of slow sea level rise.
It's deadline is decades away so I have plenty of time to get it done, and on top of that, its basically a jobless career. The humans have already brought it on themselves
DonAntonio ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 11:53:17 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of IT miracles.
I've seen enough to know they exist, and I seem to draw them to me.
[deleted] ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 12:03:52 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)*
[removed]
[deleted] ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 16:14:23 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Or the sinner could be run over by another bus when they themselves exit.
chuchubaba ยท 6 points ยท Posted at 15:30:15 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I'd like to be the god that is responsible for random network instability issues.
crayolakym ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 17:01:38 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
You must share your evil powers with the god knoweth as Time Warner
XkF21WNJ ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:03:20 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Cursed be thy name.
totemdeath ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 11:29:04 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
You must start as the most hated of the Pantheon, the God of the DMV
CheeseDischarge ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 11:33:24 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I am porcelanias. God of the toilet and all bowel movements.
ImperatorTempus42 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:24:13 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
And china.
ziggysmallsFTW ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:37:51 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
and people pay tributes daily?
Googalyfrog ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 11:49:10 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of parking. I would get prayed to so often.
Barflyerdammit ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 11:55:08 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Decorative Gourds.
rexlibris ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 12:00:25 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The god of things that get stuck in your teeth and slowly drive you mad as you try to dig them out with your tongue but can't
Muddlet_Science ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 12:25:57 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Those reddit posts that are kinda interesting but not interesting enough to warrant an upvote.
weealex ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 13:27:30 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of Pleasant Days.
Not, like, Bacchus level days. Days where your favorite sports team won a regular season game and your favorite pizza place had a sale.
[deleted] ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 13:48:30 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
[removed]
erddad890765 ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 15:31:51 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The god of the sunrise, new beginnings, wiper of magic!
ImperatorTempus42 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:24:52 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Already taken.
[deleted] ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 20:06:50 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
[removed]
ImperatorTempus42 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:50:28 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Well, how about the god of midday naps?
Special-Kwest ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 21:37:46 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The Goddess of Pretty Selfies.
Pray to me and all your selfies will be beautiful, garnering attention from whomever you like most. Incur my wrath and you'll never want to post a picture on social media ever again.
shanesultan ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 21:39:48 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I would be the God of Explaining Technology To Old People.
Praise to me and your grandmother will understand how to fix ANY issue in her computer without having to call you. She will even stop posting racist shit on her Facebook.
Say my name in vain and your dad will call you and keep you on the phone for like 12 hours trying to figure out how to open the calculator, and then get mad because you sound bored and snarky.
KevansMcGurgen ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 11:21:56 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Lost keys.
DaHozer ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 15:43:31 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Of reminding people when the grilled cheese is about to burn. No more unpleasant surprises when you go to flip it over.
pimpernel666 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 16:05:54 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of procrastinators
snowywind ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 16:06:36 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I'll go for 'The god of dropped network packets'.
Millions of WiFi users and online game players would pray to me daily seeking my mercy.
matiasgee ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 16:08:45 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Matias, God of unfulfilled Hopes. I'd be the last thing to come out of Pandora's Box.
[deleted] ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 16:11:37 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
[deleted]
RandomFlotsam ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:23:06 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
People already worship at the porcelain altar. Pretty sure that cult is already per-popluated with plenty of college students.
StannisTheMannis2 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 16:11:56 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The god of tits and wine
RandomFlotsam ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:19:18 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
That's no minor god. Pretty major.
lovenglory ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 16:12:10 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of Sniglets.
RandomFlotsam ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:14:30 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of Aglets would be better.
A_KILLER_DONG ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 16:12:17 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The god of burnt toast! Sacrifice or pay the price...
RandomFlotsam ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:14:02 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
May your crumb-tray be ever clean.
Dylamb ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 09:33:45 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
my friend likes burnt toast. can you make his tasty?
A_KILLER_DONG ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:18:02 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
WHAT THOU HAS ASKED FOR THOU SHALL RECEIVE. please deposit $20.00 to continue...
[deleted] ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 16:12:18 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of The Time Lost Proto-Drake.
Vossdaboss1 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 16:14:50 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Yet that does not exist merely a legend told from people who sit on flying mounts in storm peaks all day
TwentySevenOne ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 16:12:39 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The god of stealth masturbation.
RandomFlotsam ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:13:40 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
What kind of libation would you require?
TwentySevenOne ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 16:52:23 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Just the silent cries of praise from office restrooms and darkened bedrooms.
damonteufel ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 16:15:58 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of Lost Things. I sleep upon a bed of socks as tall as a mountain and can remotely control any television in the world. A trickster god, really, I jingle when I walk under the burden of so many keys.
[deleted] ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 16:17:57 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
the left click button
elmerfudddied ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 16:18:34 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I'll be the god of poorly thought out internet comments. I expect to be extremely busy.
FoodieTomjanovich ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 16:23:21 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of Random Thoughts.
Just imagine, you're sitting at your desk, working on that spreadsheet that Ted in finance has been harping on you for the past 3 days to complete. You're pondering what to get for lunch when suddenly...
Do alpacas hame a hump? Like camels?
That was me.
Stephette ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 16:23:35 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Vending machines. You can do some karma corrections with it.
Guy kicked his dog? The machine won't accept his coins/bills. Or his food/drink gets stuck. Maybe he gets mad and shakes the machine. I could make it fall on him and break his leg.
Guy used his turn signals appropriately on his whole way to work? He gets that other guy's stuck item. Or some extra change. He is so happy, he starts a long chain of "pay it forwards" that ends up with some starving child getting fed.
So much power from one little thing. I donโt know if I could handle it.
trumpeater ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 16:23:38 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of matter should do me.
[deleted] ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 16:27:10 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)*
[deleted]
RandomFlotsam ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:28:57 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
If I make the proper ablutions and sacrifices, do you help remove that horrible taste I get after flossing that makes me want to brush my teeth again?
[deleted] ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 16:28:24 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of the lost sock. My task is to be certain not too many socks vanish from the dryer and never more than one out of a pair.
Disarmer ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 16:31:16 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Nothing, because I still need a college degree with a 4.0, 3 certifications and 5 years of experience to get the entry-level position.
Friendlyvoices ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 16:34:21 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I would be Tetrisies, master of blocks. My power you ask? How about I show you! https://youtu.be/Alw5hs0chj0
[deleted] ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 16:36:59 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I would be the god of couponing. You will find a coupon for every item that you need to buy!
alpha_penis ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 16:37:01 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Shoelaces. I can untie those fuckers whenever I want.
jcrdy ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 16:44:31 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
i will be TIM (pronounced tim, but meant to be time before you add the E), the god of timing. You will always show up just at the right time for public transit, the perfect parking space, and the line at the grocery store. i will always be fleeting and never thanked.
Chawkinstein ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:05:53 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Thank... You
jcrdy ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:37:23 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
daw :)
McSpoony ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 16:44:49 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I would be the god of flashy entrances and smooth exits from social interactions.
If you're in my favor, everyone will notice your arrival. If you manage to much that up, you will be blessed with an Irish Goodbye.
nodisko ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 16:44:58 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The god of public wifi. Pray to me and your public wifi will be free and fast. Anger me and it will be slow and difficult to access.
megalady ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 16:45:16 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The Goddess of Popcorn Problems...
I'd help with the kernels that don't want to pop and lessen the seriousness of burnt popcorn... oh, and assist with the removal of the popcorn kernel hulls from between teeth and gums.
[deleted] ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 16:47:26 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I would be the god of glitches and bugs!
Think your good? I just glitched you to death!
Think your game is ready for consumers? I just put it back into the alpha test phase!
Are you a noob? I just lagged you into the status of MVP!
MrGeno ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 16:49:34 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of the Wi Fi. Worship me and your WiFi at home or at Starbucks will be truly infinite and lag free. None of that "it's unlimited, kinda" bs either.
Dylamb ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 09:35:23 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
:O im now upto 3. want a promotion? cuz thats my power.
Capttripps81 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 16:51:55 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of Traffic Lights. I better get a lot of prayer and offerings, because the next time you are late for work, your fate is in my hands.
mmherzog ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 16:52:21 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I shall be the God of....Pizza
Basically Pizza the Hutt but godlier.
frictionqt ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 17:01:13 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
god of shitposting
i have more work history than anyone
FredDibnah ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 17:02:17 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of taking a dump. Please me and be blessed with the smoothest prostate tickling turd with zero afterwipe.
Anger me and I will smite thee with the Furious Squits.
xDHBx ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 17:03:09 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of public bathroom privacy. If I like you than you get a clean seat and an empty bathroom. If I dont like you, you'd better not have a shy rectum...
kickingpplisfun ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 17:03:17 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Clumsiness- I can still be a wrathful god, but I'm kind of like the trickster god's little brother except that all the injury/mild awesomeness is semi-self-induced.
ProjectAmmeh ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 17:03:44 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I will be the God Of Unusually Loud Computer Fans In The Night.
Please me, and you shall drift into sleep aided by a gentle and soothing hum. Anger me, and you shall be cursed with fans of varying volume, occasionally spiking loud enough to pull you from the edge of sleep!
squigs ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 17:05:42 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of software bugs and glitches.
Probably quite hard work, but I consider every time someone shouts "Oh, for God's sake!" at their computer, that would be a prayer to me.
cublins ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 17:11:20 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I would like to be the god of finding porn around internet blocks
[deleted] ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 17:13:33 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of Tree Bark. Make sure that bark is doing all the things you'd expect it to do.
mrcolon96 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 17:14:28 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I'd be the god of the last 10% on your gadgets' battery. If you pray from the heart I'll make sure you get to charge your device before it shuts down
[deleted] ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 17:18:34 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of dropped food that's good to eat if you pick it up fast enough.
thepunkpapa ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 17:22:14 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)*
Lost socks. My wife and counter part would be the Goddess of mismatched socks.
iburnpizza ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 17:24:14 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Timesheet entry.
mrhil ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 17:29:31 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of traffic. Pray to me you insignificant fools! Pray to me or sit in gridlock FOREVER!!!
WMRH ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 17:31:21 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Has anyone claimed god of that thing you forgot when you walked into the room to get it? I'd accept gifts of found pennies to allow you to recall what you were looking for. Or virgin sacrifice, whatever. I'm not too picky.
[deleted] ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 17:32:32 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Marketing.
ModernMyth ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 17:37:48 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
A truly evil being
Hobby_Man ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 17:39:01 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I want to be the god of compiling. Pray to me that your dependencies are up to date.
PacoTaco321 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 17:41:10 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of suspicious Mexican food that you know will probably make you go diarrhea later, but you are still going to eat anyways.
compmstr ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 17:42:51 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Anoia, Goddess of Things That Get Stuck in Drawers
http://wiki.lspace.org/mediawiki/Anoia
classygent29 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 17:42:54 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Beer pong trick shots
The9gods ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 17:48:18 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of trusting a fart.
Prey to me and you will end up dry.
Anger me and the shit will fly.
Choice_Scarf_Ebola ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 17:52:57 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The God of Bum luvin' ( อก~ อส อกยฐ.)
Tesatire ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 17:53:17 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I will be the goddess to oversee drunk text dialing/texting/emailing etc. If you've ever attempted to drunk dial and couldn't find service or dialed the wrong number then I am the person you thank for preventing you from looking like a fool. But being saved is a rarity.
NobodyCaresAnyway ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 18:00:54 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of Small Talk. No more awkward conversations, chat with women for hours without either of us getting bored. The networking opportunities will be endless.
somethingasaur ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 18:01:03 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of Auto-Connecting to Wifi
An_Arrogant_Ass ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 18:04:15 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Either the the god of when your nose itches but your hands are either full or super dirty so it's just driving you mad OR the god of when you can feel a booger flickering around near the outside of your nostril but you are unable to subtlety wipe it away and you just know if you don't get rid of it soon people are thing to notice but not say anything. I am a wrathful god.
GoodLuckAtTheGame ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 18:04:16 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I will be the vengeful god of turn signals. I will smite those that can't be bothered to communicate their intentions. I will reward my loyal followers with green arrows.
InsanityWolfie ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 18:05:47 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The God of Moderately strong Wifi signals.
fappyday ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 18:10:48 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The God of the Foul Wind. Observe my holy day and no matter who dealt it, you will ever remain blameless.
Sidewindermissile ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 18:10:52 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The God of making you need to use the bathroom after getting comfortable laying in bed.
Notsslyvi ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 18:11:10 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The god of banging your toe/knee/leg into table legs and corners. I serve no purpose aside from being devious and pissing people off. Your anger pleases me.
[deleted] ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 18:11:35 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of ball sticking... I will ensure that your balls never again become stuck to your thigh or any other nether region!
vincentvangobot ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 18:12:28 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Minor God of the Junk Drawer. Praise me and you shall always find the drawer filled with the item you seek: rubber bands, soy sauce packets, dice, shoe laces etc Anger me and I shall seal the drawer by assembling random utensils to form a really annoying barrier.
Jweber611 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 18:13:32 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
god of group projects. pray to me and not all of the group members will be dumber than sin. Infuriate me and I will make sure that all the work falls to you!
Kitten_Hammer ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 18:20:20 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The God of stepping barefooted onto Lego bricks on your way to the bathroom at 3 in the morning. I become the bane of parents the world over, spat angrily about in spite to scare children into picking up their toys before retiring to bed like a modern day boogeyman... for feet.
rcallen7957 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 18:21:03 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Turnips and mustard greens.
Chesus42 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 18:21:05 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I'd be the God of Inappropriately Timed Erections. Got a big presentation in front of the board? You're welcome.
gran_helvetia ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 18:21:26 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of AUX cables. Worship me, I'll make sure even your 1$, 5-year old, chinese-made cable always deliver unbelievable sound quality. Piss me off and even your gold-plated BOSE cable will disconnect with each bump in the road.
Jester_Thomas ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:23:07 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I believe I've pissed off this god more than once.
BadgerBalls ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 18:21:37 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of Tupperware and Off-brand Equivalents.
I'd really be more of a regulatory body to ensure that they all stack neatly together in the cabinet. I swear, that shit is the bane of my dishwashing existence.
Gomolon ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 18:21:45 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The god of making things magically work after turning them off and then on again.
Wilhelm_Amenbreak ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 18:21:59 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I would be Lornge: The God Who Rhymes with Orange.
R2d2fu ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 18:22:12 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Has anyone taken God of finding lost keys?
FocalFury ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 18:23:59 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Jeff the god of Biscuits
Delwin ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 18:26:39 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I would be the god of compiling. I'm the one you sacrifice a chicken to and do a dance for every time you try to get that voodoo code to compile.
BlooburyPancakes ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 18:27:46 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I would be the god of breakfast preparations. With enough praise I can decrease the time it takes to craft a perfect breakfast for you, thus allowing you to move slower and wake up later. Anger me, though, and you won't be able to find that one thing and have to skip breakfast altogether.
My worst punishment shall be that you find the milk jug empty, but only after having poured your cereal. Thus you shall have to eat cereal in water.
RedKurZe ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:28:34 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Chil down Satan.
l_dont_even_reddit ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 18:28:31 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I would be the God of diet coke, if you drink in my honor, you will enjoy a happier life everyday, but if you only drink it cuz of diet then you'll get fatter.
Cr0w33 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 18:28:34 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
This would be a good idea for an adult swim show
senorglory ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:35:36 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
it's a good gag in Xanth novels. everyone has powers, some are just not that amazing. for instance, the power to form a spot on any wall.
Kodemar ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 18:29:27 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I shall be the god of Random Ninja Skills. Dropped your pen? Nope, it bounces off the edge of the table and slips carefully into your pocket. Accidentally slip while walking on icy pavement? Nope, you just matrix dodged a snowball some kid threw.
Whenever something happens that would embarrass you, I shall turn it into something epic instead. I got your back bro.
frogNews ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 18:30:29 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
GOD of Female Orgasms.
senorglory ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 18:33:34 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
an elusive god.
Tintinabulation ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 18:30:38 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Goddess of Weird Cat Behavior.
Treat me right, and maybe your cat won't decide that 3am is party time, knock over your lamp, and then tear warp speed around the house making demonic growling sounds!
Burn the correct incense, and your cat will decide they do like that flavor of food after all, after mysteriously refusing it though this is the food they've always gotten.
Make the correct sacrifices, and maybe they won't sleep in the litter tray any more, and then jump on your bed, shedding their poop particles with abandon.
It's up to you, really.
Doc_Lewis ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 18:30:43 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The god of toilet paper holders: Ordinary, mundane, but with the power to fuck you over SO HARD should you displease me.
WIGGIE_FIFES ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 18:32:11 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The God of Chips and Salsa. Hands down.
ThickDickVein ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 18:34:19 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The god of phantom phone vibration. I serve absolutely no purpose. None whatsoever.
asianwaste ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 18:34:36 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Naps.
I demand tribute every day around 2PM to 5 PM.
SteveyMack ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 18:37:29 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of bowel movements. Do not piss me off or you're not shitting for a week. Or maybe you're stuck to the toilet for the next 3 days violently. Who knows.
redditisgay77 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 18:43:13 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The God of lost passwords.
You anger me? You'll guess and guess and guess until you are locked out of your account and have to deal with customer service!
Please me? You guess your password immediately out of the dozen passwords you've created.
BMWags ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 18:46:17 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I would be 'God of Breakfast'
Should I be angered I will lay your most important meal of the day to waste with soggy cereal, burnt toast, overcooked bacon, bitter coffee, and eggs prepared exactly how you don't like them.
Should I be mildly displeased, I may just turn your pulpy, fresh orange juice into concentrate.
But I can be less cunty. Blessing you with fluffy pancakes. Or butter packets that aren't too hard, not too melted, but just right for spreading on toast and things.
My weakness may be that I'd really only have any godlike abilities in places where there is food.
Bumblefuckery ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 18:47:20 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Tits and wine.
ImperfectRegulator ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 18:49:06 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of traffic lights. don't piss me off or all you get is red lights
[deleted] ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 18:51:35 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
If it's an entry level position they'll probably require at least 5 years experience of being a God already so I'm outta luck.
Koolaydginger ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 18:53:17 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I would be the God of deciding which Xbox 360 gets the red ring of death
nightwing2024 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 18:53:49 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Either the benevolent god of getting a parking space right in front of the door of a restaurant when you're having a bad day, or malevolent god of having your toast always pop up the moment you look away because you've been staring at it and waiting for it to pop up but then you get frustrated.
Turmoil_801 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 18:54:07 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I will be the God of traffic lights. Honor me, pray to me, I can control your punctuality! Muahaha
uterinesingularity ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 18:54:15 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The god of cell phone reception. I'll never be there when you need it most, and I'll be there all the time when you don't care. Now that I think about it, that's pretty much the same as any other god.
elroypaisley ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 18:54:18 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I'm the god of autocorrect
jamesmhall ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:59:10 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I pledge to lay waste to your followers! You ducking cut!
B1naryx ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 18:54:22 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Pencil sharpening.
uburoimerdre ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 18:54:27 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Bic lighters.
steven_wlkr ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 18:54:31 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Easy. God of minor discomfort. Paper cuts? Thats me. Hit your funny bone? Feel the burn, bitch. Bite into a hot pocket? I'm the burnt roof of your mouth, motherfuckers.
blaghart ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 18:54:35 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Death. Nothing more ordinary and mundane than the one thing everyone has in common.
Plus nobody remembers Thanatos anymore.
SparingCreature ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 18:54:36 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The God of Toilet Rolls. There shall always be just enough left for a one up, one down, and one to polish.
Impeesa_ ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 18:54:46 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of procrastination probably, I'll get back to them once I figure out for sure.
Drazian ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 18:55:00 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The god of refrigerators. I'm the one who makes you stare into the fridge, walk away, come back and repeat. Why you ask..because I can.
ZSloth11 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 18:57:15 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I'd be the god of the Windows built-in troubleshooter. I'm hard to please, but when you do? All your problems will solve themselves.
[deleted] ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 18:58:22 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I would be the god of plugging the USB in correctly on the first try. KNEEL BEFORE ME
insomniacmercury ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 18:58:50 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
the god of staircase wit. please me, and you'll always have a comeback whenever you need it. anger me, and you'll only ever have 'your mom' jokes to fall back on twenty minutes later.
wei-long ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 18:59:36 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Network connectivity.
Up-and-comer with built-in growth, and widespread daily appeals for favor. Those that hold my favor enjoy low ping, no ISP outages, and google fios. Blasphemers will receive "up to" speeds.
LHodge ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:01:01 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
*AT&T Speeds
Up to 16mbps down! Actually 4.1mbps down/0.6mbps up!
HeroCC ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 18:59:42 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of printers. Make me mad and you get jams, misconfigurations, and all the printer faults you know and love. Make me happy and you will have a slightly less faulty printer.
SirJayblesIII ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 19:00:44 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I'll be the god of mild lysdexia.
japaneseknotweed ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 19:05:22 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Coagulation.
I'd be responsible for cream rising, cheese curds forming, bloody wounds clotting.
Dunno why, just seems like I'd get interesting prayers wafting up.
pipipiper ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 19:05:33 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The God of drunk people. I will get you home alive but you will have to make sacrifices to me. I accept lost wallets, broken cell phones and copious amounts of vomit.
StrikeFromOrbit ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 19:05:43 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Allergies. I would have so many temples devoted to me, many offerings to alleviate the itchy, watery eyes, and the sneezing. Please me, and your hay fever is gone. Anger me, and you're suddenly allergic to your dog. Just wash and wax your car? Ooooh yeah, let me pollen all over it.
My eventual temple could modeled after a HEPA filter held up by anti-histamine bottles.
Chi-raq ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 19:08:04 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The God of Slight above average credit scores.
cocopuffswt04 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 19:11:12 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Behold! I am the Goddess of Remembering Your Password on the Final Attempt. Your offerings will ensure that you do not have to reset a new password to include a capital letter, number, love spell, and nothing that will get you any points on Words with Friends. Anger me, and no two of your passwords will be the same.
[deleted] ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 19:12:18 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The Flatulence God. Worshippers will be silent and scentless when needed. Non believers will blow an eggy anal trumpet every time they are in company
iamaravis ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 19:12:30 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I would be the god of blinkers. If you don't use yours properly while driving, I will smite you.
randomasker ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 19:12:32 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of satellite communications. It's the only thing I know how to do and I spent enough time praying the equipment I had wouldn't break that I'm sure there should be a god.
achillebro ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 19:12:52 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I'll be God dammit, the God of jammed ink jet printers
Pitt87 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 19:13:15 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I would take Bubble-Hockey God so that I can work my up to Hockey God.
shandromand ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 19:13:27 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The God of Stubbed Toes. Every pantheon needs a villain.
keenedge422 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 19:13:35 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
You know that sound you make when you stub your toe or slam your shin into a coffee table or hit your head on a cabinet door? The one where you suck in a lot of air through clenched teeth and somehow that seems to help the pain,maybe not a whole lot, but a little bit? Yeah, that's me.
You're welcome.
Antebios ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 19:13:37 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
You know you walk around barefoot and you hit your pinky-toe on the corner of furniture? I'll be the God of Pinky-Toe collisions.
Mountain_Ent ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 19:13:37 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of random ball itchiness.
crooks4hire ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 19:13:39 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The God of Toilet Paper...to punish the sinners who pervert the holy law of feed-from-the-top.
TuckHolladay ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 19:13:47 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of ensuring all new Star Wars films are awesome.
ntf1992 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 19:13:57 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of intertwined cables- fuck with me and you'll never be able to silence out the crying screams of the baby besides you
zyphelion ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 19:14:06 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of catching things you drop with your foot so that the thing doesn't break.
knyg ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 19:14:20 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of procrastination. imagine the power!! oh zeus, you want to fuck a horse? NOT TODAY!
PreheatedDutchOven ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 19:18:14 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The god of printer functionality. Oh, you really need to print that report for work/school right now? Your career or grade depends on it getting in on time? Well....remember that mean thing you said about me the other day...?
mrsirawesome ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 19:18:50 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Geoff, The God of Biscuits
LazyGamerMike ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:29:05 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Does that make you the "Total Biscuit", or is that a title for a demigod of yours?
mrsirawesome ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:38:11 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
That would be the title... Has some gravitas I feel.
[deleted] ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 19:22:14 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Cleaning. I take pride in cleaning. Make me happy and you'll have a pristine home that everyone will love to visit. Piss me off and you'll have a dead rat in your wall. This is a good thing.
the_simurgh ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 19:26:29 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
god of hangovers (and what they cause)
Kristal3615 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 19:27:03 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Goddess of green lights.
Drive like an idiot and every light you come across shall be red and will stay that way until the person you blaized past or cut off catches up to you. Drive like a decent human being and all your lights shall be green and the roads clear. I am a vengeful goddess...
fortmonkey ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 19:27:12 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Goddess of comfortable public transit. Pray to me, and no one will shove their knee into your leg or start eating an onion sandwich right beside you. Pray harder and there will be no more B.O. Leave me offerings, and not only will you always have a clean seat, but the seats on either side of you will be totally empty.
cutllefish_asparagus ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 19:27:30 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of toiletpaper.
Any mortal daring to hang a new roll of toilet paper with the flappy side facing the wall will have to deal with my wrath.
Dlorddenim ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 19:32:16 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of stubbing your toe.
Save4321 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 19:33:53 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
That's Satan
UniversalNerd ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 19:33:31 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of subtle triumphs, that time you made a half court shot without trying, when the glass fell out of the cupboard and you caught it on your foot, or when you did all your make up perfect on the first try, you can thank me for that.
missinfidel ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 19:36:43 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I am the muse, Calyp-oh-no. I control the songs that get stuck in your head. Make sacrifices unto me, and it will not be Chumbawumba.
Rosehips89 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 19:39:49 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Behold: I am the God of the toilet seat. A Precocious and unpredictable God. Depending on my mood, you'll either have a nice, room temperature seat to gently kiss your cheeks - firm enough to provide a productive support, yet gentle enough to cup your bottom... or if you cross me, it's a damp toilet seat eternally warm from a previous occupant's arse, with a solitary yet clingy hair. When you gingerly descend onto your porcelain throne, the seat will suddenly and unexpectedly slide, causing a minor heart attack and some spillage.
I tend to be the god you meet before you're blessed with a kiss from /u/cross-joint-lover
TheGogglesD0Nothing ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 19:43:47 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I'd work for Zeus. Static shock on shopping carts department.
Alternatively I could work for Poseidon in the water fountain pressure department.
Hyperman360 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 19:51:02 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Dank memes, of course.
name_witheld ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 19:52:55 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of that one last roll of toilet paper under the sink.
Kellt_ ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 19:56:39 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The god of procrastination. That's as every-day as you can get. And I have embraced it already.
RagerzRangerz ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 19:57:54 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Tooth brushing.
Suddenly everyone's unable to brush their teeth unless they buy the new toothpaste by /u/ragerzrangerz.
[deleted] ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 19:58:34 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)*
[deleted]
Poisioned-Fawn ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 20:01:31 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Such a powerful god with a large base of belief and followers!
littlelakes ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 19:59:34 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I'd be the dog of typos.
Poisioned-Fawn ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 20:00:53 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I would be the god of slurpees
[deleted] ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 20:01:07 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I'd probably be the god of Nandos
lookaheadfcsus ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 20:04:52 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I would be the God of Incidental Coffee Of Which One Has No Control Whatsoever.
Coffee in waiting rooms, cafeterias, company meetings. If I am a happy God, your mouth shall not be tainted with That Horrible Burnt Taste, nor will you Regret Having The First Or Last Cup from a thermos. Tour cup Will Also Not Runneth Over So Easily.
If I am a vengeful God, you will wish that Oh God I Should Have Brought My Own.
thebrokenfan ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 20:07:43 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The goddess of things stuck in drawers. I am a merciful goddess, call out to me every time a random implement jams the drawer and just maybe I will let it open. Maybe.
ryanknapper ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 20:07:58 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Every time I start a new job there's always some mundane task that I excel at and the same scene pops into my stupid brain. Right now it's scanning old paperwork.
So I would probably be the God of Stupid Delusions of Grandeur, Mundane Officework Division.
Diabetesh ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 20:08:15 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of google search results. Making sure that your vague description of that blue book is on the first two pages of results.
[deleted] ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 20:08:24 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I would be responsible for making sure stores only had the exact quantity of something a person needs, so they could feel the smug satisfaction of getting the last one.
[deleted] ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 20:12:49 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
jeff, god of biscuits. summon me for tea time. have nice day.
My_D0g ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 20:17:07 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I would be the god of beard growing.
krushyn ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 20:24:25 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I'll be god of cheeky glances, be it an argument between strangers kicking off, someone behind you who looks like a friend or a quick turn to see an attractive persons bum. I'll make sure you don't get caught looking. If you want to look longer you'll need to pray to the God of awkward staring.
mazze01 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 20:46:55 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The God of correct autocorrections.
Our western, spoiled, modern societies are crippled too often by autocorrect miss-firing. Our important or even simple text messages and cheese tinder pickup lines are constantly being tormented by autocorrect automatically assuming the wrong. Fear no more! I am the mighty God of autocorrect.
I'll single handedly make sure all you intended is sent, no less or more. Those who oppose me will however suffer and can duck off!
How are people going to blame silly messages on autocorrections? - you may ask. Your prayers will be listened to, mortal, by older sibling the Goddess of text messaging.
rocknroll1343 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 20:50:13 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I'd like to be the god of finding extra money you forgot about in your pockets. BUILD ME A TEMPLE
Just_a_prank_bro ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 20:50:25 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of Last Minute/Night Before Project Procrastination.
Pray to me and I'll help you stay up and finish your project/paper/whatever; you're on your own once you finish it though.
PhD_In_My_Inbox ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 20:50:47 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of your % Daily Value of Calcium based on a 2000 calorie diet.
SteveZIZZOU ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 20:51:08 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of the sound wind makes against a field of grass.
acidiclust ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 20:51:13 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I'd choose to be the goddess of jellyfish and sea slugs. I determine when there's a jelly bloom, and by george, do not fuck with me or you'll get sea slugs up your nose.
lyonburke27 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 20:51:15 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Bin god aka god of the bins
smoothpops ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 20:51:38 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
sandwich making. someone who makes a godly sandwich, is going to get promoted sooner rather than later
[deleted] ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 20:51:38 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of Internet Connection That's Slow Enough to be Frustrating, not Enough to Call Your Provider or to Reset the Router.
Fear me, mortals.
Mongolor ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 20:52:07 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The god of opening jars. The ladies love opened jars.
inFamousVendetta ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 20:52:18 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
You know when you find random change on the street or in the car. Yeah that would be me haha.
10strip ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 20:52:32 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I am 10strip, the god of traffic lights. You knew someone had to be controlling them, right? Well I saw you speed through my sacred yellow light so no greens for you this week!
duetmasaki ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 20:52:52 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of dropped money. If you're bad, I'll punish you by making you drop that $5. If I like you I will bless you with the dropped money and lucky pennies.
Lobot01 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 20:53:50 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I would be the god of punishing (by death) whoever is failing to refill free sample containers at stores nice enough to provide free samples. This would eliminate the unbearable letdown of finding a treat tray VOID OF FREE SNACKS
TheTshmielu ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 20:54:06 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I would be a god of semicolons. I'd help you find that missing semicolon in your code, but if you angry me, i'll turn them semicolons into greek question marks.
BrainJar ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 20:54:46 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Toilet Paper. Imagine how much crap you'd get into! And, all that tang too...sign me up.
ResidentSociopath ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 20:55:14 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Arson
Prrcyval ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 20:55:40 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The god of letting the light stay yellow just long enough to get through the intersection.
Hydris ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 20:55:53 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of Biting your cheek and tounge. Anger me and i shall inconvience you for days.
k4kowalick ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 20:56:14 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I'd be the god of traffic and use my influence to trade favors and gain power.
funny_bunny_mel ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 20:56:41 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Process. I want to be the goddess of process. Everything has a process.
Please me, and your plans for the day are blessed and go as smoothly as possible. Piss me off and enjoy a day equivalent to your worst day at the DMV and Ground Hog Day combined!
ICanSeeYourPixels0_0 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 20:57:52 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of forgetting what you came to do when you walked through a door. People would be on their knees praying to me to remember their shiz.
gatomercado ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 20:58:06 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The god of rolling perfect joints.
Kobluna ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 20:58:44 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Your neighbor's music is louder in your house than it is outside. All praise Acousticunt!
bagelschmear ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 20:59:02 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Goddess of brilliant ideas just as you're falling asleep. My emblem would be an alarm clock which is perpetually counting down from 3am to 6am.
Chaoshumor ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 20:59:19 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of violence that makes technology work properly again.
frizbeano ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 20:59:22 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of opening difficult jars. They scream frizzzzbeano and then pop ,jar opens.
Nopetown_Slim ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 20:59:45 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The god of self pleasure.
GreenBull92 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 21:00:19 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The God of Procrastination, I'll check on the mortals later...
beaux_bear ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 21:01:04 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of cut off sleeves. Sacrifice your shirts, or for the most blessings a hoodie. When it's your 5th arm day this week- I'll make sure no one looks at your legs.
CountsWithFingers ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 21:01:08 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The god of slow claps. I can only imagine the satisfaction.
frizbeano ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 21:01:32 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of unknotting cables.
HDRed ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 21:02:33 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I would be the God of that level of drunkenness when you think it is okay to call your parents and come out as gay and then blame them for it.
A-IAH-HDE-CDF0 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 21:03:22 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
All the descriptions posted sound like Apples to Apples descriptions.
mcedillos86 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 21:04:36 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I would be the God of correctly pronouncing uncommon names.
Kubrick_Fan ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 21:05:24 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The god of unemployment and employment. When people say "God why can't I get a job?" They get a job, not the one they want but one they need
Alkaline_Overdose ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 21:05:57 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of killing jokes waaaaaaaaaay beyond the point of which they are funny. I'm not very popular at Pantheon Parties.
iozsan ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 21:07:21 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Sex. Wait a minute
Scotch_game ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 21:07:45 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Levers and pulleys. Great throughout the ages, and lots of room for advancement as technology becomes more complex.
demanthing ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 21:08:12 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of masturbation. I give all the horny teens their orgasms, but I get to watch them first...
lsrwLuke ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 21:08:43 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The God of sleeping in and still getting everything done.
lyzabit ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 21:09:12 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Goddess of the WiFi connection.
[deleted] ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 21:09:45 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I would be the Goddess of Chipotle, depicted as a beautiful woman with flowing brown hair seated upon a flying burrito. I would still have to pay for guac, though.
vorpike ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 21:09:49 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The god of phone batteries, kneel before me, and the next time your mom calls, you'll have a sufficient charge.
kialvatlan ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 21:10:31 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of Brewing Good Coffee. I would demand that everyone pour one ounce of their coffee as a sacrifice! If you don't do it, I will make sure that the coffee tastes like crap
burnt-waffles ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 21:10:54 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
how do I do this when I already have a Parthenon devoted to me?
ShavingBarncats ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 21:11:31 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The God of refractory periods
Ducks_Eat_Bread ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 21:11:48 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The God of a Thousand "you almost just tripped and fell but you caught yourself before it turned ugly and now you kinda have to hop around for a second or two to regain your balance".
If it happened to you, I'm sorry, nothing personal. I just have a quota to maintain. It's gotta happen 1,000 times a day.
lollapaloozah ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 21:12:16 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I will be the god of doodling. That sounds amazing.
Ashuvain ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 21:13:12 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of the lost socks.
Vashano ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 21:13:21 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of memes honestly this isnt even a question
curmudge_john ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 21:13:39 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I would be the god of hammocks. Making sure they only fail on camera that is unless you anger me, in which case the hammock will fail the very second you stop filming.
mbene913 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 21:14:24 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Pencil sharpening
Like people pray that the point doesn't break and that it's not only sharp on one end. I could also play a role in erasers maintaining form
[deleted] ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 21:14:30 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of Sandwiches
masinmancy ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 21:14:58 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The God of Shits and Giggles.
[deleted] ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 21:15:49 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The god of pizza toppings falling off. I shall decide who get's the toppings to stay on and enjoy their pizza.
fishdude89 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 21:15:53 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I would be the god of the bunched jeans. Anger me and you will have an embarrassing zipper-area bunch that looks like a boner when you sit or lay down, especially in front of family members or other authorities, and girls you like at school.
bullitt2469 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 21:16:39 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I would be "Phil, The Prince of Insufficient light!
MadUnit ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 21:17:16 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I would be the God of toilet paper. If you make me mad I won't take your shit.
theportableTaco ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 21:17:25 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
i want to be the god of buttons.
[deleted] ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 21:17:44 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The god of cellular telephones
SyntheticGod8 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 21:18:41 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I'd be the god of early morning masturbation. Anger me and you won't finish before you have to get up for work. Offend me and I will let you finish, but you'll be really late for work
Minnesota_Nice_87 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 21:19:16 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Autocorrect. People already curse me.
DerpMods ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 21:19:47 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Has anyone chosen "god of that one lost sock from every laundry load?"
Goliath_Gamer ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 21:19:58 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The God of protection from mosquitos and other itchy-biting insects.
dmc0 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 21:21:03 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of the feeling you get when you match with a hot person on tinder.
ericchacon ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 21:22:09 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The God of the chalkboard screech. mwahahaha
THE_Black_Delegation ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 21:22:36 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of Redo's. If you TIFU super bad, i would give you 1 last chance
Trance354 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 21:22:53 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I will be the God of the Work-around: the plan has been shot to shit, but you can work around the oozing bucket of puss and blood that is the product of your plan by praying to me for divine inspiration. Perhaps you seek a Macguyverism to save your soul? He is my first disciple, and he shall reign on earth as I reign in my holy tool shed sanctuary.
TheAwkVege ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 21:23:14 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of vending machines. . . whenever those fruit snacks get stuck you'll be begging me for mercy
Blizzity ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 21:23:27 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The God of locating that piece of phlegm that flew somewhere when you sneezed.
lackofagoodname ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 21:24:26 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The God of perfect measurements.
When you pour exactly one cup of water on the first try? Me.
When you go into the socket drawer and pick the right size? Me.
And of course, when you're walking perpendicular to someone else and neither of you have to change speed? Me mother fucker
inthebreeze711 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 21:24:44 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
sex
AAron_Balakay ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 21:25:10 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)*
I would be the God of traffic. Oh, you didn't pray to me today? Well, lets add another 45 minutes to your commute, your car will be running on empty, and the nearest Gas Station costs $4.50 a gallon!
Oh, you did pray? Here is an open fast-lane for miles, and gas prices at home are much more reasonable!
divine-edit: According to Gasbuddy.com, there has been a lot of prayers for me
cymyn ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 21:25:25 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The holy vag*na taster seems like an entry-level post. I volunteer.
Fearofdead ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 21:26:09 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I am the god of Tangled Cords.
Pray to me in your darkest hour and you shall knot no more.
[deleted] ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 21:26:34 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I'll be the god of text editing... Keep the emacs and vim fans at each others throats, and keep notepad users suffering
Nasa1225 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 21:26:49 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I would be the god of the coffee pot. Worship me and be productive, but anger me and feel the wrath of decaf.
warpus ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 21:26:54 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I would rule over foods which are not expired but which are labelled as expired for whatever reason. My followers never smell milk before drinking it.
[deleted] ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 21:27:15 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of that moment when you get home from work, grab a beer in the fridge and sit down on the couch.
F54280 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 21:27:34 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I'll be the Godoogle, the god of returning the right answer in google queries. Pray to me, or your search results will suck...
SmallAsPluto ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 21:27:36 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I am the god of Reddit!!!
AntiChr1st ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 21:27:51 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I'll be the god of saving procrastinators.
Pray to me and I'll make sure the questions on the exam will be from the one part you got around to study.
I'll make sure that the people you're meeting with are held up just enough when you're running late.
That work that you halfassed because you left it too late, it'll be just good enough thst nobody notices.
KazWolfe ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 21:28:06 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I shall be the god of internet speeds. Pray to me and I'll give you 4G speeds. But piss me off, and I'll ramp up your speeds so much that you'll have to sell your firstborn to pay the phone bill. Or I give you Dial-Up. Depends on how mad I am.
Noogleader ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 21:28:49 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of Procrastination. I plant that seed in your mind that makes you put off important task that you should be doing....
londongarbageman ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 21:28:54 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The God of Finding Small Treasures in the Trash or Second Hand Stores. I won't find you a winning lottery ticket or gold bullion but I will find you a spare phone charger that works, a fixer upper bike or a little lego spaceman Just that one thing so you don't feel like you have nothing, you have something.
thisispannkaka ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 21:29:31 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The god of hitting your little toe on stuff. Yes, pray to me or you wil stub your toes.
Nasaboy1987 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 21:30:24 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The God of grabbing the right socket on the first try.
arethnaar ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 21:30:32 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Electronic data transmission.
Sacrifice to me and praise my greatness, or I will turn off your internet.
KuntStink ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 21:31:32 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Googlius I am the god of Googles auto fill. Pray to me and you will be granted the text that you want. But if you don't pray, your in for a world of awkward and uncomfortable recommended searches. Just hope that no one beside you asks you to search something.
P.... Porn hub Poo on me Postal stamp fetish
Aylithe ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 21:31:38 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Heartbreak.
I know it better than anything else, I'd be the master.
DontFearZombies ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 21:32:46 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The god of always remembering what username and password you used on what site.
ModeloRodelo ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 21:33:06 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Rejecting peoples wishes, someone has to do it.
The_professor053 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 21:33:32 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
That one thing that gets randomly stuck in your drawer so you can't open or close it.
karmaisabij ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 21:33:36 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I would be the god of motivation. Stop procrastinating, you idiot!
many_cuffs ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 21:33:52 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I don't have enough upvotes for this thread
[deleted] ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 21:34:19 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Sandwiches
keklyfe ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 21:34:39 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I am the god of that dropped eating utensil that you don't know if you want to continue using it or not.
SeekerDS ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 21:35:09 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I am the god of traffic. If you have pleased me, you will never see a red light. If you have angered me, you will see every red light.
[deleted] ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 21:35:11 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Goddess of cramps. All those with cramps, from periods to random leg cramps, will feel lesser to no pain with my blessing. Piss me off and you'll get cramps that will make you beg for the pain to go away.
PilotDad ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 21:43:24 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The god of fitting all your shit into the trunk (boot) of the car on road trips. It's like Tetris with a hundred different shapes, but I can help your sorry ass out if you prove worthy.
FlatulentRocket ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 21:44:02 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I'll be the God of reminding you that you are done pooping, and that you have to stray away from reddit momentarily so that you may wipe and wash.
Aquamaniac14 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 21:44:12 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The tides
[deleted] ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 21:44:54 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The god(dess) of ghetto (or creative if you will) solutions. I think outside the box 8)
SolomonGroester ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 21:45:26 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I am the God of Fuck.
Alexkarol1993 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 21:46:02 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Well, I would feel good as a God of Remembering Jokes, thats are Funny as Hell in Random Moments - just don't mess with Me...
SOUP_TO_GO ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 21:46:41 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
IMA GUN GOD
aiiye ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 21:47:22 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of Miraculous Horror Movie Survival
You wanna run from a killer upstairs into a house and hide in a closet? You better pray to me.
teh_tricky ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 21:47:39 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The god of just about the right amount of milk and sugar in your coffee.
gdunlap ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 21:47:51 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I choose parking spaces. Appease me and find a close parking space on your travels. Anger me and you will be in the last space a mile from the door and it will pour down rain.
dxdifr ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 21:48:09 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of Logistics and Packaging
fueledbyink ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 21:49:03 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Coffee.
The_arch1tect ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 21:49:15 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I would be the God of that moment when two people walk towards each other and both try to step to the side but always end up in front of each other again. So satan...
noahhellya ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 21:49:55 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Good of weed
Kegel_Exercise ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 21:50:10 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The God of that falling feeling that wakes you up just as you fall asleep. I will be the one to pull you to Hades, mark my words.
sloppylobsters ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 21:50:25 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The god of extending yellow lights. That red light you ALMOST just ran? You're welcome.
SoForAllYourDarkGods ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 21:51:56 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The God of Common Sense
Punishments for common sense failures that are directly proportional in harshness to the effect on other people the common sense failure has.
Government officials producing nonsensical rules that mess up people's lives beware!
[deleted] ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 21:52:30 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Sandwiches. Those graced by my favor are blessed with a sandwich that hits all the right spots. Those who have earned my wrath shall be filled with the disappointment of a mediocre sandwich.
atsugnam ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 21:52:32 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
So many people thinking so small...
The God of beer wenches, c'mon, tithings of beer delivered by appropriately attired attendants...
dulbirakan ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 21:53:00 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Laggus, the god of lag on online games. Fear me as my wrath is slow and jittery.
adriarchetypa ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 21:55:08 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The goddess of warm fuzzy sweaters.
PM_me_your_farthole ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 21:55:46 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I would be Hastur, Dark Lord of Buttplugs and Napkins!
ZachSpencer ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 21:56:41 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I would be the god of the cultivation and usage of cannabis. Growing it, to rolling it. Dat's me.
[deleted] ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 21:57:46 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The god of the quality of breakfast sides.
That's right, I decide if it's the toast you need or the toast you deserve.
bobtherandomcat ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 21:58:02 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of jumper cables.
sgossard9 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 21:58:33 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
"Tits and wine"
[deleted] ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 22:00:34 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I would be the God of that last fry in the bag. Pray to me, and you shall get extra fries!
Isimagen ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 22:01:10 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I'd like to be the god of Traffic and Driving. I'd like to smite from the heavens all the shitty drivers who can't stay in their lanes, understand signs, or don't know how to use turn signals. The heavens would open up and destroy those riding in the fast lanes in slow vehicles. Oh the things I'd do and the fun I'd have!
_pH_ ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 22:01:49 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of Biting your Tongue.
I'm basically just an asshole.
Ailbe ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 22:02:52 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Ailbe, god of falling asleep during lunch!
e6dewhirst ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 22:03:28 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Jeff, the God of Biscuits Simon, the God of Hairdos
pcpoet ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 22:04:23 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I want to be the god of wild speculation and conspiracy theories. I could constantly be egging on Mortals to think someone in government is out to get them.
Strawberrycocoa ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 22:04:35 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I would be God of Stubbed Toes.
Sacrifice diligently to me, or your life is a living heck.
rcorca ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 22:05:10 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
shoelaces
LordDrewpicus ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 22:05:54 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Crumpling your toilet paper
mikeatwork19 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 22:06:03 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of pants. The burdensome God from whose shackles one finds comfort.
nastygamerz ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 22:06:23 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The god of finding a plug when you are looking to charge up your phone at a public place.
SimplyPerry ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 22:06:40 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I would be the god of stupid ideas you get while drunk/high: "Yes you can totally jump that", "Sure wrapping your food in tinfoil will make it microwave faster"
hottubpancakes ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 22:07:05 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I would be the god of correct answers. I don't know why it is correct but you can bet your ass it's the right choice given your question.
BigPlanetEarth ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 22:09:24 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I'd rather be more of the vengeful type. So I'll go with being god of making sure your cellphone is on vibrate every time you lose it.
blakeasnake ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 22:09:44 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
bongs... I would be the god of bongs:)
donofjons ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 22:10:17 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)*
God of cookie ingredients. Praise me and I shall bless you with chocolate chips, anger me and your joy shall turn to raisins in your mouth. My most devote followers will be blessed with macadamia nuts.
ewrewr1 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 22:11:11 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
god of not giving Terry Pratchett proper credit
Scarl0tHarl0t ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 22:11:40 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Goddess of first dates - if I smile upon you, I'll lead you to the person you will spend the rest of your life with. If you piss me off, I'll send you into the arms of a serial killer or your shittiest ex.
SlapdashSlamdance ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 22:11:41 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The God of keeping your images where you put them in the Word document. Forget to say your prayers and your images will be reincarnated on the next page.
Badblackdog ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 22:13:35 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of lighters and matches.
[deleted] ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 22:14:19 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Doors, because how funny would it be to slam doors in people's faces for no reason
spencurai ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 22:14:58 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Burritos...that's a no brainer...
ProfessorSpook ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 22:15:10 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The God of Determining the price of objects.
PsychicKappa ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 22:15:39 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Dusting
devotchko ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 22:16:51 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Smiting people who pray instead of doing something productive.
[deleted] ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 22:18:03 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I'd take over for St. Hubbins and become the god of quality footwear.
Jilberto ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 22:19:30 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of the internet
Zephix321 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 22:20:17 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The god of tangled headphones in your pocket. Sacrifice a goat for me and your headphones will miraculously untangle when you take them out of your pocket. Neglect me and you will spend your whole bus ride on that really pesky knot in the middle of the cord.
Dogsleep103103 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 22:21:15 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The god of frustrating technology problems.
[deleted] ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 22:22:08 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Flatulence. Hilarity would ensue.
XPSinAlpha ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 22:23:08 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of "that weird thing your heart does after eating a McDonalds cheeseburger, you know, like it skipped a beat but a little more terrifying, like if someone reached through your rib cage and flicked your left ventricle".
Dntcreboutsacred ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 22:23:25 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I would be the god of , you're taking a crap and just remmebered you forgot to do something very important.
Albodan ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 22:24:07 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Netflix and chill
Arklelinuke ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 22:24:25 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Jacking Off.
rogersaintjames ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 22:24:56 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of getting the fourth corner of your fitted sheet on first time.
natcon93 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 22:25:08 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I would be the god of having 4 lighters one day and suddenly none the next.
timberwolf0122 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 22:25:59 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Springs, and I shall go by the name coily
Lucky-13s ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 22:26:16 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I am the god of drinking cold drinks with no shirt on. Pray to me, and perhaps that ice cold condensation on the side of the glass might miss your exposed stomach.
endo1308 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 22:26:28 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of Hangovers. Very mundane and who wouldn't want a God that could fix hangovers.
forticus ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 22:26:49 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Behold the God of buttered sourdough toast...
AlohoMoria ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 22:28:06 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I would be the god of "bitting your cheeks multiple times on the same spot". I won't be a mercifull god.
otakop ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 22:29:23 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
COFFEE!
theevilfluffy ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 22:30:09 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)*
I would love to take over as the goddess of call quality and keeper of dropped calls. For lo, let thyself look upon the world with kindness and I shall look upon thee with favor. Thy calls that are wanted will be carried in crystalline quality while thy idiot of a cousin shall wonder at why she can never understand you and inevitably hangs up in frustration. Pray to me call center prisoners for i live within thee; let no man threaten thee or belittle thee. Should thy caller be a dick let thy heart rest easy for thy call shall drop with no interference from you. BUT BE WARNED MORTAL! Should thee be the asshole instead, all calls shall route to thee with no wait time and this shall go doubly if thee art the one that call cycles. Praise be unto me.
PanzerKpfwVI ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 22:30:28 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I am Scriptus, God of Writing and Writing Tools. Before every examination, you will pray for me to bless your essay with a passing mark. When you begin your procrastination ritual, you shall pray to me with the hopes of writing a cohesive paper before the morning light rises. All academia will worship me!
plastigoop ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 22:30:56 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
One skillet dishes. Ricearoni, tuna helper, etc.
Duhnunununuh123 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 22:31:21 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Marijuana God for sure.
TeCKNeiC ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 22:31:34 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I am the God of your last 10%. Pray to me when your cell phone/laptop is at it's last 10% and if I show favor based on the diligence of your charging schedule and the sincerity of your prayers I shall hold your battery power at 10% as though it was being charged wirelessly. Those who carry around backup batteries/sources of power will pray to me in vain for they have put false Gods before me and I will drain their batteries at a rate of three times faster than usual if they call on me after using one of those.
kj4ezj ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 22:32:20 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I will be the God of getting your shit submitted between the time when your computer tells you to plug it in, and when your computer actually starts to hibernate.
boobsmcgraw ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 22:33:16 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of nose picking. I'd bless you with that big crunchy booger that has a string up into your brain that you can feel goop out when you pull it - and you get a blessing if you eat it, and a curse if you smear it on something. Nothing happens if you put it in a tissue and throw it away.
FellowConspirator ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 22:33:30 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Fried food. I will claim the people of Scotland as my chosen people.
mildmannered_janitor ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 22:36:33 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Tits and wine.
ironicmuffin ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 22:36:57 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I know I'm late, but I would like to be the God of Long Poops.
listix ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 22:37:34 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Really late to the party but I would be the god of the queues. Be nice to me and every queue that you enter will be really fast. Anger me and I will make sure you are the last one at every possible queue.
FitChemist432 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 22:37:35 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I would be god of the juggling cell phone catch. That thing you love is falling and your bouncing it around as you paw at it trying to grasp, but you'll only catch it if you make me happy.
Really, I'm so sorry about that cracked screen, but maybe you should've praised me more thoroughly the last time this freaking happened! Seriously, it's like every other day with you.
SmithKurosaki ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 22:39:04 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Totally not the goddess of making sure your devices are charging. Piss me off and it just doesn't work. Ever. Again.
MrBloo1848 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 22:40:21 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I'd be the God of remembering that song that got stuck in your head but you can't quite put your finger on what it exactly was.
MadModderX ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 22:40:42 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Low batteries, allowing you just enough time to save your document or punish you for your hubris.
Makabajones ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 22:41:14 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
getting to the office and realizing you left your laptop charger at home.
Zactacular ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 22:41:18 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I am the Lord of Clearing the Remaining Cook Time on the Microwave. Those that defy me, shall receive either frozen in the middle or liquid hot magma hot pockets at my discretion. my supplicants enjoy no more than 4% unpoppped kernels in all popcorn bags. Praise me.
TheSubmistress ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 22:41:42 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of Sexual Attraction.
Yes, you did just get a boner looking at that elderly woman.
Apocalibz ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 22:41:59 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
humans
FrigoCoder ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 22:42:24 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The God of Naps.
If you please me, I grant you the opportunity to take a refreshing nap during the day, without consequences. If you piss me off, you wake up after 3 hours of sleep during the night, unable to fall back asleep.
DeductiveFallacy ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 22:44:00 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I would be God of Weeds. HOAs would practically force members into my alters. I would also expect lots of followers in Colorado and Washington... But for the opposite reason.
Drwelfare10X8 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 22:45:22 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I will be god of garage doors, I mean I already work on them.
I can be generous or have no mercy and break things right before you leave for the airport.
[deleted] ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 22:45:32 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Karma.
Drafo7 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 22:48:04 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Is this even a question? CHEEEEEEEEEEEEEEESSSSSSSSSSSSSSEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!
tralfagarlaw ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 22:48:31 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Eating Junk Food. Worshipping is just eating a bag of chips.
clownshoesrock ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 22:48:53 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of the Hot Pockets.. Anger me, and you may bite into Lava, Ignore Me, and your mouth may get frozen to the icy core.
Hotpockets: a Snack of Ice and Fire.
raaneholmg ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 22:49:16 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I would be the god of remembering things just when it's too late.
Just handed in a test? Here is the answer!
In the driveway just getting home from work? Remember that your keys are in the lunch room.
LordFlashy ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 22:49:32 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The God of Tying your shoelaces. Almost everyone seems to be using Velcro fasteners on their shoes now, so it'd be a pretty laid back position with lots of free time! :)
KENincognito ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 22:51:15 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Interesting that I had the same idea as soon as I saw the title and your comment appeared 0m ago. Alternate universe me?
LordFlashy ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 14:26:59 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Possibly! I guess I'm an alternate just a few nano seconds ahead of you or you're my alternate a few nanos behind. Same difference :)
ASharkWhoWalks ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 22:51:09 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The goddess of chicken. Because chicken
DrunkenAwesomeIdea ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 22:51:53 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Obviously, I'd be the god of the sub /r/holdmybeer.
Yrcrazypa ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 22:52:14 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of the Pee Shivers!
Zenguard ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 22:52:18 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The God of Furniture. Maybe I'll make that chair always hit your pinky toe, maybe I won't.
MeUnplugged ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 22:53:01 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I am the Goddess of Naps. Seriously, if my husband wasn't on his way to pick me up for dinner with him and his work colleague, I'd be having a nap right now.
TCsnowdream ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 22:53:40 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I'm pretty sure this is the premise of Hooizuki no reitetsu... My kids are in love with that anime. It's about a low level demonic beuarucrat who helps administer the day-to-day tasks in hell. I like it myself for the Buddhism references...
Bharhash ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 22:54:43 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of Annoying Bits of Food That Get Stuck In Your Teeth.
Praise me and you shall enjoy a wonderful life free from the annoyances of popcorn bits and caramel.
Defy me and you shall have bits of broccoli stuck in your teeth.
And yes it will be for your driver's license take.
And the wedding photos.
Yakman86 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 22:55:42 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The dog of typos
SenileJunta ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 22:56:01 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I hope this hasn't been taken yet. I would love to be the god of showers. Morning showers, warm showers, cold showers, relaxing showers & the last but not least the first shower after a while in the outdoors.
shaun056 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 22:57:44 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The God of stubbing your toe on chairs. I seem to do that fairly often...
Scipio_Columbia ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 22:58:03 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Pens.
Spite me and your pen shall forever run dry, or explode in your pocket.
Wanna sign that armistice, mortgage, birth certificate, or receipt? Bow down.
Betruul ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 22:59:31 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of dissappearing pens. My judgmenet is passed about how said pens are treated. Of course the more expensive pens are the ones i like and so they dissapear to become mine MWAHAHAHAHAH
almondbutter1 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 22:59:36 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Mosquitoes.
Justice is coming.
UndergroundElectric ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 22:59:39 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I would be the god of scrambled eggs
chiefnoah ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 22:59:52 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I would be the stoplight god. I'm the guy you curse when you're late for work and hit every red light along the way. When I'm bored, I'll sometimes collaborate with the bladder god to make your ride home miserable.
Tychonaut ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 23:00:24 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The God of Fart.
Cyphr ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 23:00:46 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I'm in IT: Turning it off and on again.
billcard ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 23:01:04 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of Call Center Service. Please me and the most complex of inquiries will be handled by a quick, competent, friendly agent. Please me not and you will have to take the day off to activate a credit card.
CorranSOC ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 23:02:06 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I would be the god of random boners. If you displease me I will cause you to pop a stiffy each and every time you get up to do a presentation.. Or when you're wearing gym shorts. MAY YOUR SOCIAL LIFE FALL AND YOUR PHALLUS STAND TALL!
nemesis_kid ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 23:02:15 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I think I'd like to be the God of Missed Connections... like the ones on craigslist.
Dagdoth_Fliesh ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 23:03:41 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I'd be a malicious god of papercuts. Need those important documents? Papercut. Need something printed? Papercut.
CyphersSteak ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 23:05:18 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Forceus, God of Rape
KidCoheed ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 23:06:21 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of preventing Holes in Clothing, You tugged your favorite shirt a little to hard. I shall protect your Underarms
whoodlemap ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 23:06:47 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I would choose to be the god of the erg(rowing machine), my temples would be great halls powered by the erg, harnessing the power of every stroke.
-tick_tock- ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 23:07:03 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)*
The God of Inconvenience. All those in a hurry shall have a plague of inconveniences unless my demands are not met.
[deleted] ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 23:07:39 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I am the God of procrastination. No really I am. Will edit this later to give proper examples of why.
hedsit ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 23:08:13 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Spoons.
MpVpRb ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 23:08:46 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I just want to be god of beer..kinda like Ninkasi
sanransa ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 23:09:12 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I would be the God of handshake/fistbump mix up. That feeling of "why did that happen to me" is me on your shoulders. Snoop dog is impervious to my curse.
AmoebaProteusFhtagn ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 23:10:04 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Patron god of small slimy things.
Rng-Jesus ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 23:10:26 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of batteries. You are in the middle of a phone call? Not if your cellphone battery just died randomly
dsmly ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 23:11:10 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Oh, I'd probably do the same thing I do for work. But the facilities manager for Olympus would be an interesting gig.
DrOddcat ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 23:11:36 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The good of getting students to put their name in their assignments. I offer elementary, secondary, and college level courses.
4evrlegend ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 23:13:30 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The God of Gas, IF you pray to me and offer a tribute extra gas will be added to the tank, if the offering is exceptional then gas will be free. If I don't receive any offering then I will curse the individual with excessive stomach gas and wretched "who cut the cheese" farts until the next time they go to the pump
Pantskat ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 23:14:27 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of egg salad. I just really like egg salad, okay??
soshelpme ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 23:14:38 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Reddit admin
GrumpyBearBank ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 23:15:24 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)*
I'd want to maximize my worship potential, so I'd be the god of licensing exams.
I'd get all sorts of prayers, incense, and sacrifices.
AmazingMrSaturn ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 23:15:51 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The god of toasting bagels until they're just a little crisp on the outside, but not totally dry on the inside. This portfolio may also include waffles and/or english muffins.
cybermesh ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 23:17:41 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)*
I would be the god of correcting improperly used apostrophes, because misplaced apostrophes are the embodiment of Satan himself.
TheSlytherinPrincess ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 23:18:08 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The Goddess of staring into the fridge for long periods of time wondering why there is nothing to eat.
rabidelfman ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 23:18:36 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The God of Forgetting What You Were Going to Say, but It Was Really Important. I think.
[deleted] ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 23:18:51 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I AM THE GOD OF HORIZONTAL VIDEO.
FLIP YOUR PHONE 90 DEGREES BEFORE ME AND I SHALL REWARD YOU WITH THE KNOWLEDGE THAT YOU DIDN'T PISS OFF REDDIT WITH PORTRAIT MODE
WIDESCREEN BE PRAISED
Primehunter14 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 23:19:03 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Food that has sat out a while at a place where people get drunk.
the_fire_monkey ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 23:19:30 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of "This is the wrong tool for this job, but it works."
Te_rra_byte ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 23:20:12 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)*
god of snacks, may doritos and mountain dew be with you.
Fridaywing ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 23:21:18 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I will be the God of Forgotten Toilet paper. Should you forget one you may chant my summoning prayer three times and I will come upon you. You will be asked what are you willing to give up for a price of one roll.
[deleted] ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 23:21:33 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Rings.
ProjectMorpheus ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 23:21:48 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Fry cooks!
But only if I get to bring my friends
[deleted] ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 23:22:28 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I will be the god of Office Farts. No one wants to own up to them and sometimes they are my silent little miracles.
leedemi ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 23:22:32 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Goddess who curates and defends the rare pepe.
It's a big job, but I feel like I'm ready.
Zyruz ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 23:22:52 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of preventing drunk texting your ex.
Gwarnine ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 23:23:15 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I would be the god of burnt light bulbs, did your bulb just burn out? FEEL MY WRATH!
TheSigma3 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 23:23:51 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The leaves turning brown at the start of autumn and then green again in spring. I'd get a decent amount of praise, but I could sleep most of the year
[deleted] ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 23:24:38 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I'd be the god of light rains.
NeonDragon123 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 23:26:28 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The goddess of repetitive posts. Here's to hoping no one got this one first looks at all the replies
iturnmenintobottoms ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 23:26:51 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Obviously, I would be the god of getting to things too late.
HawaiiHooligan ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 23:28:45 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I would be the god of finding parking or randomly finding money in your dryer.
gokugamer16 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 23:29:41 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The God of trying to be funny. You might maybe get a laugh. Maybe.
TinBryn ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 23:31:51 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The God of stabbing your toe into stuff, I would be a cruel and vengeful god
plasmafire ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 23:32:07 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)*
The god of missing keys, pray I am lazy, very very lazy, lest your keys go missing.
Either that or the god of the tiny little spark that makes all lighters work.
JokerOnJack ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 23:32:23 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Jeff the God of Biskets, or Simon the God of Hairdos
MatrixPA ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 23:33:28 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Goddess of driving to work every day.
Scoldering ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 23:33:39 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The God of Ordinary, Mundane, Everyday Things
cosmic_serendipity ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 23:34:32 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The God of Perfectly Baked Food. My alter will always smell of fresh baked bread and you can get yummy treats
[deleted] ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 23:35:11 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Spermes; the God of Busting Nuts
hmkey ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 23:35:38 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of debugging, people would sacrifice entire herds of goals for me.
dark_slayer_900 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 23:35:58 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The god of inconveniently placed shin high coffee tables that only appear at night
tyron3 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 23:37:03 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The God of No Panty Lines
-GheeButtersnaps- ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 23:37:44 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Cold drinks.
argon_infiltrator ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 23:38:37 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of random bluescreens. You know when your computer crashes like once a year for non explainable reason. Well I'm the god who fixed it. Or made it happen. You'll never know.
noisycat ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 23:39:13 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I would be the goddess of knitting needles. I would keep them together and have a small but furiously devout following.
Phibriglex ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 23:39:54 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of butt stuff. I start off just overseeing fingering and diddling. Then as more people worship me, I start encroaching on penetration territory. I would eventually, after a few years of hard work, be able to dictate how often you get anal sex and how clean your dick will be afterwards.
tired040 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 23:40:03 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of increasing trash bin capacity.
One weeks trash fills up the bin? Not if you're in my good graces. Go on, you lazy sob, have another week. Your trash will not overflow.
natybixcoito ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 23:41:08 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Goddess of Mobile Internet
Yes, I'm angry as hell. Always.
Atreides_Nuts ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 23:42:37 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The radio.
[deleted] ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 23:44:32 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
id be the god of taking a shit
Tko38 ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 23:57:36 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Sorry ma man that's taken...
trust me
(we're talkin brown greek pillars here)
SNESChalmers420 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 23:47:32 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I would be the god of turning bolts and screws.
Abscess2 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 23:49:30 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I will be the God of Streaming Media.
Worship me and suffer no stuttering or buffering.
colourmefred ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 23:54:22 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I'll be the god of that thing where you're just about to sneeze, but then your friend is all "Hey what's up!" and you suddenly freeze, but you still have that nose tingle and it's a horrible tease, and you're like "fuuuuuck"
[deleted] ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 23:58:35 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Patron God of College Debtors.
I have a lot of work to do.
jbtuck ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 23:58:46 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Filtering spammy prayers.
danjo3197 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 23:59:26 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I am the God of Change. To use my powers, bring me exactly two quarters, three dimes, four nickles, and five pennies and put it all into a nearby vending machine. Then type in 608A130CB3909D and one dollar will come out of the machine.
billcard ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 00:00:37 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of the Black Whirlies. I won't stop you from drinking too much, but will adjust the speed at which the room revolves.
ImpartialLettuce ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 00:00:47 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I'll be the goddess of microwaved food. Displease me and I'll make the dish hot as hell and your food cold as ice. Keep me happy and your spaghetti's will be in warm harmony.
beccathevet ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 00:01:08 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Ideally, the goddess of snuggling with your pets while you are at work so they don't get lonely. Realistically, the goddess of creating dust-bunnies
zp5 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 00:02:05 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of just catching the train on time.
Make me mad and you'll suffer immense delays!
Oden_son ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 00:02:54 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I'd be the god of crapping. When you anger me, I give you the diarrhea. If you mess up real good, you crap yourself on your next date.
illuminerdi ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 00:03:30 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Biscuits.
And I would change my name to Jeff.
XMenOrangesTangerine ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 00:03:41 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I'd be the god of finding a fiver in your pants that you didn't know you had.
JustWhoYouThought ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 00:04:10 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I would be the God of deciding when Netflix thinks you are done watching it.
Piss me off and I'll never stop it when you fall asleep but when you are watching actively I will stop it after every episode.
EmilyGirl ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 00:04:15 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Goddess of Microsoft word. I have the power of writing a beautiful, complex document without touching the mouse. Pray to me that auto suggest gives you the function you were looking for!
[deleted] ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 00:04:38 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The god of weed, bruh.
420BLAZETHATSHITYO
thedude213 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 00:05:14 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of making sure the bath mat is flush against the tub.
klatnyelox ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 00:07:01 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I would be the god of unrepeatable feats. You just got the wad of paper in the trash on the first time? That was me, I won't help you when you try again. You narrowly avoid being in a three car pile-up by some insane drifting and over-correction? That was me, I won't help you the next time.
Lehk ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 00:07:04 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)*
God of filing and bookkeeping. When the IRS comes after you for a deduction 4 years ago you pray to me that you find your copies.
tinycatsays ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 00:07:56 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I'd be a counterpart to Simon, god of haircuts:
Simone, goddess of being utterly incapable of finding and getting a good haircut.
testrail ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 00:08:17 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Excel.
Ao_Andon ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 00:09:01 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Do I have to be a good god, or can I be a total prick? Cause I wanna be the God of Hell. Elo Hell, that is. All those angsty squeakers.....delicious
AssCrackBanditHunter ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 00:10:38 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of Fruitful google searches.
You wanna find something? I know the keywords to use, no matter how bad you are at phrasing what you want.
blitzx666 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 00:11:50 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Cheese slices
Pickled_Ramaker ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 00:11:53 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Pens and when they randomly run out of ink or stop working.
[deleted] ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 00:12:47 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Can openers.
papasnork1 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 00:13:24 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Fudge. The god of fudge.
Happy13178 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 00:14:47 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Ted, the accountant. Slowly start guiding him to be the greatest warrior of all time.
thesullier ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 00:14:48 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I would be the God of Name Recall, UmmmHeeeyDuuude. Praise my name and ye shall never have those embarassing moments of awkwardly forgetting coworkers/neighbors' names months after it was comfortable to ask them their name again. Additionally, thine enemies and various creepers will never have that infinitesimal hook on your attention they need to slip in and hold you in conversation for precious moments of your time. Praise UmmmHeeeyDuuude!
[deleted] ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 00:14:58 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I will be the god of the bluecollars. May you always have 2 weeks vacation and double OT, and may the DOT troopers forever ignore your faulty tail light.
spookyman212 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 00:15:36 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I want to be the god of pooping. Dare to vex me!
zenspeed ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 00:15:58 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The god of that last 20% of power in your smartphone.
If you have my blessing, it shall last all day. If not, it's gone in five minutes.
jreeves18411 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 00:17:51 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Procrastination. You all would worship me daily. I would even worship myself.
juggernat ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 00:18:03 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I would be the god of loose change you find in coin returns and parking lots.
Papapoorfish ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 00:18:07 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The God of catch and release. Pray to me or you'll be stuff with wondering about the one that got away.
musicmorph99 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 00:18:22 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The god of landing skillshots in MOBAs. Ezreal mains get in here
KareemOWheat ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 00:19:23 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The God of toe stubbing. Fear my wrath mortals!
bendigedigdyl ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 00:19:30 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of the Vegans, just so I can shut up all the annoying ones that give us a bad name.
hyperkinetic27 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 00:21:47 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Cell phone signal quality and wifi availability. Come bask in the glow of my connectivity.
gnprincess ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 00:22:04 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The goddess of farting in public without anyone noticing. Pray to me and your farts shall pass discretely.
togaming ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 00:22:54 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The god of elusive, esoteric wealth. Those who pray at my temples get the money in seat cushions and under vending machines.
Myrddraai ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 00:23:45 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The God of Immediate Responses, when you're try to think up a quick joke or lie, that's me baby.
Evolution_Lives ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 00:23:59 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I would be the God of fantasy football. Oh you need a win this week? Well fuck you, LadiesMan1176 prayed more.
[deleted] ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 00:24:06 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Energy Vampires sick wickedness. He will pay in full now
RonManHandler ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 00:24:46 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The metamorphosis of butterfly's.
CatchThisDrift ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 00:24:55 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Chocolate milk. Or Play-Doh. Ooh, or paperclips!
ut_pictura ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 00:25:16 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I would be the Goddess of Things Not Sticking. Worship me in the kitchen for cookies don't stick to the baking sheet, for fish that sears without adhering to the pan. Worship me in the summer when your thighs don't stick to the leather seats in the car. Worship me when your price tags peel right off. And curse me when your post-it loses its stick-em, when your command strips fall off the wall, when your magnets slide off the fridge, when your Velcro straps fail.
Edit: capitalization.
billionsofkeys ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 00:25:38 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
"I am the god of that thing where you're just about to sneeze
but then your friend is all "hey what's up" and you suddenly freeze!
But then you still have that nose tingle, it's a horrible tease!
And you're like FUUUUUUUCKKK!"
KidBeene ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 00:25:54 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Police Traffic Stops.
Snipe7r ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 00:26:22 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The god of getting gilded on random posts for no good reason.
Was worth a try
josephjacobsonfilms ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 00:26:42 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of finding a pair of socks instead of two mismatched ones.
yesterdaysnews1234 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 00:26:59 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I would be the Goddess of Text Messaging. For all those texts you wish you'd get but don't....
RockRivers ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 00:28:05 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I would be the God of Green Traffic Lights. For those times when you're late for that thing - never fear, my humble commuter, for I shall keep the green coming.
Cross me, and you shall see only red!
J11Wars ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 00:29:05 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I'd like to be the god of Human Relations.
"Uh Zeus, we've got to talk. Corporate frowns upon you morphing into a cow and seducing 12 year old boys and girls."
bodnar97 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 00:29:21 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I would be the god of when you drop your phone and it doesn't break
inherendo ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 00:30:00 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Missing socks.
AgentSmithPS4 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 00:30:31 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The god of storage devices, to prevent all those science videos from being lost and having to be discovered again when one fails.
Factor1 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 00:30:43 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of getting a T-Shirt / Pullover on the correct way around first time
entrepreneurofcool ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 00:31:51 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I'd be the God of Crosswalk Buttons. Those people who push it twenty times? They're praying to me. But they never know if it's working...
inucune ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 00:32:03 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I shall be the God of Orders. How well they are written, understood, and followed are solely my discretion.
Unfortunately, i am still in the training phase with MARS and ODIN as my supervisors so shenanigans have to wait.
IntendedAccidents ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 00:33:50 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of making shit out of paper. Call me Lord Papyrus.
Need to perform an assassination? I got you. Punish the infidels? Bro I'm your deity. Landlord kicked your broke, ugly ass out? Fuck him, we can pull through. Couldn't save the City of Townsville because that shit was too big for your powerless, pathetic body to protect? Come derp around in our far superior hood. What? You want to give your life protecting and serving the king? Dafuq, do you think this is Harlem of the Dead you shrimp dick fuck nugget? Fine.
As you can see, my power will far surpass the other gods', and I shall be promoted in 26.2 minutes flat. You mortals better drop all the fancy paper, tape, and hot glue in my (altar)[http://blogs.kqed.org/ourxperience/files/2012/01/hmongNY1.jpg].
Edit: Derped the links like a smarts
BlueEyedBrigadier ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 00:34:03 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I'd be the God of Overdue Library Books...I'm the deity that gets prayed to for more time :D
mcknixy ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 00:34:05 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
traffic. ooh I can just taste the smiting!
washburnapp ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 00:34:32 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I would be the god of thunder. That's a pretty ordinary, every-day thing, right?
[deleted] ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 00:34:43 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of Ayy Lmao
TastyBurger23 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 00:35:07 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I'd be the God of Getting Out of the Friend Zone. Prostrate yourself before me, and I shall bestow upon thee the ability to get any girl to be your loyal, devoted girlfriend.
[deleted] ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 00:35:14 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The God of deciding that an email will do and we don't need to call a meeting.
DickyMcDoodle ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 00:35:38 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I would be the God of the accidental booby sighting. Like when you are in high school and that girl you like leans down just a little bit too far and you see full outline/bra etc. I would be responsible for wet tshirt contests and holywood tape failing at just the right time. Every time you glimpse an errant boob - that was me. You're welcome.
Dragonogon ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 00:36:05 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Sleep god.
bewareoftom ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 00:36:24 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The god of long, satisfying farts.
Sheisblushing ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 00:37:04 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The God of falling back into your dream when you lay back down. Please me and you can enjoy being an astronaut for twenty more minutes. Piss me off and suffer back at work and everything's behind and you can't get a single thing done. WHERE ARE THOSE PAPERS JOHNSON!!
afallacy420 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 00:37:14 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of logging. Where I come from you never get to go in and out of the woods with mother natures goods without paying your dues and lots of trials and tribulation. I would love to fuck with peoples trucks in the middle of the woods pretty much.
hyperpearlgirl ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 00:37:18 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Goddess of comfortable chairs
ThievishSkink ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 00:37:58 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The God of Bearings.
sooperkool ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 00:38:43 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The God of paperwork and bureaucracy, I can bee your greatest ally or your worst devil.
mrmagic714 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 00:39:18 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I'd be the God of Office Meetings. Pray to me Hard enough and you'll be the king of that 15 minute meeting. Be it big presentation or little impromptu hallway meetings, I'd make the one that prays to me enough come out the best!
Somzer ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 00:40:12 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I AM THE ALMIGHTY GOD OF SLEEP! FEAR ME, PRAY TO ME, OR I SHALL RENDER THOU SLEEPLESS!
Lvon117 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 00:41:00 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I will be the god of toilet paper
If you place your toilet paper under instead of over you will be cursed with your own fingers piercing through the toilet paper and maneuvering straight into you shitty butt hole. I am also friends with the God of diarrhea and if pissed I can convince him to curse you as well to ensure you get even more punishment from my curse.
If you place your toilet paper over you have nothing to fear.
Macster_man ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 00:41:23 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Bureaucracy
skyrat02 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 00:43:13 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The God of Twinkies and other Snack Cakes, also known as Mmmmmmmmm
Also, heard this story as a podcast a couple years ago and thought it was rather fitting http://www.strangehorizons.com/2002/20020204/little_gods.shtml
BearguanaMan ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 00:43:44 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The god of peeling an entire orange in one piece
Maria-Stryker ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 00:45:06 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Do dreams count? They're an everyday occurrence. I could really exploit his position to make the world a better place depending on the powers I had. I'd give climate change deniers and the people in charge of the groups that fund them constant nightmares about being in a polluted dystopia. Rapists and murderers have recurring nightmares of being their victims. Students get free nightly review sessions. Good and honest people in general would be rewarded with a nice vacation to their wildest dreams when they sleep.
goingftl ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 00:52:53 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Morphues has got that one.
likwid6 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 00:45:10 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The god of applying a cell phone/tablet screen protector with no bubbles on the first try.
Piss me off and expect multiple bubbles and a speck of dust right in the middle of a predominantly bright portion of the screen.
AbsolutlyN0thin ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 00:47:54 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The god of shaving. And the price for pissing me off is razor burn.
[deleted] ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 00:48:15 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I would be the God of Checkout Lines and Transactions. Believe in me, and lo, your line shall ever be the swiftest.
R0da ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 00:49:13 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Goddess of knots.
Patron to sailors and fishermen, pardoner/final judge of hangmen, wrathful punisher to earbud owners.
Leaves some room for promotions what with the fate and love metaphors and whatnot.
codeprimate ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 00:49:47 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I would be the god of misplaced parenthesis and incarnation of pinky finger coordination.
RothkoRathbone ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 00:50:03 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of novel surprises and mini adventures.
Oh i made a tea i completely forgot about! New path to work!
prototype__ ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 00:51:15 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Brushing of teeth.
People are programmed to pay homage to you twice a day. Teeth will be seen as a gift from a god - in particular, you.
And your name will forever be on the tips of people's tongues.
xDulmitx ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 00:52:42 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of Packing Things So They Fit Perfectly.
Worship me and your items will always manage to fit in a container with little to no spare room. Spite me and suffer the wrath of having 1 oddly shaped item which is just a little to big to pack in one box, but overly small in another and in which nothing seems to be able to nestle.
Worship me by playing Tetris.
Kroxzy ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 00:54:07 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Taking fat dabs
[deleted] ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 00:54:59 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of charger cables. I'd make it so that, whenever someone lost one, I'd get it as a sacrifice. I could collect them and sell them as indulgences.
LoftyGoat ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 00:55:39 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of geological activity. It's important, but not all that damn' frequent, so there'd be plenty of slack time in the job. Or maybe the job of orbital precession. Even better.
STaY_TUNeD ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 00:57:33 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
In my bid to be a dark god, I would start as the god of flipping people off while driving.
biblis_ ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 00:59:22 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The god of pointless petty arguments
DKTaika ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 01:01:11 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I would be the god of traffic lights. Those that worship me well will see green lights all the way to their destinations leaving you never in a rush. While those that anger me will hit long red lights the entire way and find themselves late on every occassion
elbowdoodle ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 01:02:31 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Goddess of brushing teeth!
[deleted] ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 01:04:02 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The God of lieing
MichaelWWoods ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 01:07:03 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I dunno. God of phone booths maybe? I mean, there are like no phone booths anymore. It would be dead easy.
Then again, that might have some connection to my power or amount of tithings I receive. If that's the case, then I think I want to be the god of search engines.
[deleted] ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 01:09:02 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The God of Toilet Paper
CloserEmperor16 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 01:10:21 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I would be the god of perfect reflexes! IE knocking somthing out of a cupboard and catching it in md air.
Samfiller ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 01:10:44 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
probably iron
HELPivFALLN ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 01:11:10 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I'll be the God of determining which side of the toast will fall face down. (Here's a hint, nothing will change.)
InstantRamen25 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 01:11:44 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The God of Touchscreen Calibration! It is by my will alone that you must tap once or 50 times just to press the damn button just once!
magikarpcandosplash ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 01:12:00 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The goddess of browsing the net?
If you please me, I would let you do something productive today. If not, I'll make you browse nothing but dank memes and miss all your appointments that day.
KingTriton91 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 01:12:40 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I would be the "Never have to wipe after pooping" God. In the middle of the woods? No problem! Just pop a squat and squeeze one out.
michiganvulgarian ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 01:14:50 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I would be the god of public transportation. People would pray to me for the early arrival of the next bus.
couldyounot1 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 01:15:24 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I'd be Goddess of that user name is taken. Fall to my mercy or never have any access to anything ever again. You're off the grid, bro....forever.
RollinDeepWithData ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 01:16:08 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I would be the God of code compiling correctly the first time. My worshippers may not be the most social bunch so spreading the faith may be hard, but they WOULD be loyal.
veritropism ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 01:18:18 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of tiny pebbles that get stuck in your shoe.
My duties are minor, but every curse uttered by my victims makes me stronger.
boardmonkey ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 01:19:39 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Toast
MarkReefer ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 01:20:33 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Traffic God. Best get praying if you want to get to work on time
Burgerkrieg ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 01:21:37 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of "not cutting yourself when shaving", but I would make it so everyone only used electrical razors, so I'd essentially have nothing to do but enjoy my divinity. Maybe I'll get another position to optimize, rising through the ranks of the pantheon by making problems go away. Eventually I'd become the God of Solutions, and, even more eventually, I'll be the God of Morality and Decisionmaking, essentially able to guide all human action as I see fit.
Aurelius89 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 01:22:42 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Opening Stuff. Everyone does, it never goes out of style. Built in job security.
Sluggoose ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 01:23:51 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of the fax actually going through this time.
Kagoshima ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 01:26:20 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of deciding who is seated near the screaming child.
So many prayers and offerings to me!
SaintLuna ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 01:27:32 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The god of your morning commute. Pray to me and traffic will flow on your chosen route, but incur my wrath and you shall be five minutes late forever more.
[deleted] ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 01:31:25 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Candy
[deleted] ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 01:31:43 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Iโd be the god of body hair. Pray to me and I will grace you with your perfectly dreamed hairstyle or beard. Iโll even stunt hair growth for places you donโt desire it. Smite me or use my name in vain, and youโll be the hairiest fucking ape the world has seen.
The_Mad_Gasser ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 01:33:25 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)*
Sterquilinus can keep his job.
MadEgyptian ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 01:33:52 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of perfectly toasted toast.
Yazbremski ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 01:35:57 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Gaming.
floppybunny26 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 01:36:30 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I'd be the God of Coffee. http://pbfcomics.com/136/
Frashmastergland ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 01:41:00 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The God of naps.. You will always have time for a quick snooze before everyone gets home and asks you to do stuff.. Only if you give me offerings of chocolate.
Lost4name ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 01:41:02 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I would be the god of driving. I would grant people the route of all green lights when the need them the most. On the other hand, I would give transmission failures for the bastards who get behind the wheel and on the road and then don't drive.
bigterry ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 01:42:19 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Bacon.
TurkeyMuncher117 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 01:43:15 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Reddit
btafaii ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 01:44:42 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Tracker of spiteful prayers, where I will reward petty vengeance that resolves around the likes of running out of lube on a lonely night or being one cent short on a digital account and requiring a new purchase of currency.
Hawkstinubs44 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 01:48:07 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I am Iscosceles, god of triangles. Thou shall not want for greater telephone or router signals when I am worshipped. Lo!He who crosses me sees no bars.
jazzpants ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 01:48:11 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Hearthstone RNG. I have always been capricious.
metrick00 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 01:48:36 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of not having to pee just badly enough to not do it, but not able to ignore it.
[deleted] ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 01:48:53 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Sucks when vampires don't realize their being suckered.More of you? keep going...you have no idea what your dealing with.
tcmaddox ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 01:51:45 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of public water. I want to catch people pissing in pools and have them die a horrible death and then throw them in hell. (Yes even the children)
[deleted] ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 01:53:36 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I am that goddess that once you are nice and snug in your bed.... you have to pee. I AM SHE!
Kabukikitsune ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 01:54:56 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I would be the God of forgotten passwords. You'd need a special code to enter the temple, but it'll still take you three tries before you remember the damn thing. What's more, you will remember it the moment you're locked out of the temple, and need to wait another day to come back in. Sadly, you'd likely forget it by then.
Mr_Monster ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 01:56:42 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Coffee
SupaStormR ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 01:58:50 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The God of Daydreaming. It would actually be pretty cool, because I could just think of random fun things at will and Daydreaming is technically ordinary, mundane, and an every-day thing
[deleted] ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 02:04:09 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)*
Deleting my Reddit account because of new privacy EULA.
Addrian ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 02:12:28 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of IT. Cross me and I shall corrupt the BIOS itself!
bacon_is_just_okay ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 02:12:51 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I'd be the god of the in the park home run. I'd get praised 2-3 times a year, tops.
adam_demamps_wingman ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 02:13:14 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The god of stray navel lint and nail shavings
neish ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 02:14:37 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I'm the god of ingrown hairs. If you carry my favour you can extract the gunk and it'll be satisfying, if I hate you, you get a cyst that needs to be lanced.
Definitely the deity of /r/popping
betterbarsthanthis ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 02:15:12 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of Rush Hour Traffic. I probably could not fuck this up worse than it already is.
Alkomb ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 02:21:21 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I'm so confused, sorry.
lek0224 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 02:21:40 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of remembering what movie that actor (or actress) was in before.
Squirrella ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 02:23:15 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Stuffed animals.
LtSpinx ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 02:25:44 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I shall be the God of perfectly toasted crumpets.
Jawsome22 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 02:26:19 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of inebriated inspiration. May you be ever in my favor, otherwise that shirtless snowboard grind could result in some unsightly wounds.
[deleted] ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 02:27:13 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of shitty overused memes.
yung_chef ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 02:27:53 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I was actually drunk at a BBQ this weekend and was making drinks for people. My friend came out of the house with a full plate of lime wedges right when i had ran out. I called her the Goddess of Sliced Limes. she answered my prayers immediately, so i believe.
shakey_bakey ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 02:28:35 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I would be the Goddess of Really Good Stretches After Sitting Around For Too Long. :D
roshasis ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 02:30:01 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I'm the god of that thing, when you're just about to sneeze. Then your friends all "hey what's up" and you suddenly freeze, and your nose still tingles and its a terrible tease
ElPanaChevere ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 02:33:40 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I would be the God of hindsight. I would just go around saying "Well, I told you so!" "See what I mean?" "And what did I say would happen?"
fyrechild ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 02:37:41 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
It might be fun to be the god of cooking.
Plantbitch ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 02:37:44 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Goddess of seeing that awesome thing you just did.
Knock something off the counter and it miraculously bounces into the trash? "Oh man I wish someone had been here to see that!!!" No worries bro, I saw. Goddess five.
TherapeuticMessage ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 02:37:59 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Stapling. Just stapling.
WhatIsPants ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 02:42:12 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Food-grade Tubing. The God of Medical-grade Tubing thinks he's so popular but he's not.
when_did_that_happen ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 02:43:17 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The God of Printers. Every time someone has an issue, which is basically all the time, they have to pray to me. The.right.prayers would invoke such powers as term papers printing at the last minute or running out of all color in a multi color cartige at exactly the same time. Temples would contain shrines where you would.contain places.to recycle.your expended cartridges.
Artificialraspberry ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 02:43:53 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Goddess of paper work. You pissed me off the paper will seemingly multiply before your very eyes
orangez3bra ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 02:44:40 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Those little drink umbrellas
Ultimatedeathfart ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 02:49:15 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The God of Memes. I shall be called Lord Dankulis.
PRSkittles ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 02:50:29 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of Memes
TxllxM ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 02:51:24 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The god that when you drop phone either, you prey and it shall be unscathed, or piss me off and it becomes cracked to the point of no use it falls in a sewer drain or something.
macblastoff ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 02:51:36 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The one whose job it is to assign purgatory missions for discriminating against others based upon religious grounds. Set the bar ridiculously high and watch them flail about trying to atone for their sins during their life, only to send them back as a centipede or salamander if they actually succeed in fulfilling their purgatory mission.
deadxcolour ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 02:52:37 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Goddess of unfufilled drunken messages and calls. Appease me and those words will be undelivered. Anger me and you will remember your stupidity for all eternity!
1Hit4Lyfe ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 02:53:05 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I would be the God of STD testing.
PRAY TO ME YOU IRRESPONSIBLE FOOLS.
Meistermalkav ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 02:53:32 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Minor god of low ping bastards.
Pray to me so you have a low ping;-)
longhorn2015 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 02:54:12 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I'll be the God of pencils. I am responsible for them breaking if you are a bad boy
monkeyleavings ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 02:55:16 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The God of Finding Money in Coat Pockets.
Everyone is thankful and most of my work would be done in the Fall.
daytodave ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 02:55:39 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of Puddles!
Weedmaster69 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 02:58:21 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I would be the God of toe stubbing.
IboTheHero ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 02:58:35 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The God of Pumpkin Spice Flavoring.
FairyOfTheStars ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 02:59:40 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The Goddess of Erections.
Don't know if anyone else has said that yet. For all I know there are dozens of us. Dozens!
The_Emerald_Archer_ ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 03:00:30 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The god of starting ten different tasks and never finishing one.
Mgtl ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 03:05:27 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
It's my job to crumble half your Butterfinger when it's dispensed from the vending machine
SutterCane ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 03:05:46 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The God of that moment when two people are walking toward each other and don't know if they're in each other's ways but in trying to correct their perceived mistake, cause the mistake they were trying to avoid in the first place.
MusingChaos ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 03:06:50 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Goddess of being able to find just the right position to sleep on the train so you're comfy but not sleeping on someone's shoulder.
[deleted] ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 03:08:23 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I'd be the God of lost keys and of walking into rooms only to forget just what in the hell you are doing.
elusiveclownface ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 03:08:51 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The god of the internet
Dont_trust_them ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 03:12:07 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I would be the god of putting your fingers in the candle right when you blow it out. I mean everyone loves that right?
darknessvisible ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 03:18:44 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I would be the God of Perfect Poached Eggs. Even if you forget the vinegar, don't make a whirlpool and the eggs are too old, it won't matter - I will smile upon you with infinite beneficence and you will get perfect foodporn poached eggs with runny yolks every single time. And if you're really nice, I'll make sure your Hollandaise sauce never splits as well.
lazyparaplegiccops ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 03:19:12 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of Super Market Trickery. People would curse my name for each dropped jar of jelly, mislabeled pair of pants, and misplaced turd.
amagadon ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 03:21:43 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The god of lazy sundays. Absolutely.
Has_Xray_Glasses ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 03:22:21 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)*
God of Netflix Binge Watching.
I decide when you get to watch your show.
Blessings: Out of some kind of "Fluke", Netflix releases the next season early.
Curse: Netflix's servers are down.
doradiamond ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 03:22:53 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I' be the god of tripping over and stepping on small sharp objects at night. Every time you do it and curse, I get more powerful.
DarKcS ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 03:26:37 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
How far the water splashes when you poop. I will not be merciful.
Cytria ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 03:27:57 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
loading bowls
kody1596 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 03:30:34 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I would be the god of that sizzle sound whenever you open a carbonated beverage. plastic bottles and cans.
drunkryan ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 04:08:55 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Similar to meat sizzle on hot iron?
kody1596 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 03:24:06 on September 14, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
no, that gods a douche. more like the tsssss sound rather than sizzle.
FreshTits ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 03:31:46 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The Goddess of Bees. If they go, we're taking everyone with us. Plant your flowers and stuff.
ReVaas ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 03:39:39 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
video games
paulh008 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 03:43:34 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Late to the party, meh. But I'd be the God of Indifference. It really wouldn't matter one way or the other. Want to throw a house party? Pray to me and your parents won't care, cops won't give a shit about that speeding ticket, and your guaranteed to get laid.
[deleted] ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 03:51:29 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
[deleted]
drunkryan ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 04:08:15 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I see what you did their....
[deleted] ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 04:15:43 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
[deleted]
drunkryan ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 04:25:10 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Some one has not been praying to there God of minor inconvenience...
XVOS ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 03:43:55 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Being the deity of finding lost car keys would be pretty solid.
[deleted] ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 03:53:48 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I am the god of bacon. Every time someone orders bacon, eats bacon or makes bacon, I receive worship.
Turns out I get a lot of worship around breakfast time...
ruthie_imogene ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 04:02:23 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Goddess of All the fasteners stay on the end of my driver when using an impact!! (not just robertsons)
Ilovemixedgirls ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 04:03:16 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I would be the god of the first time masturbating. You know, when you crumbled to the floor the first time you slapped it off?
black_brotha ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 04:12:17 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
i dont know.
jpigeon716 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 04:12:48 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
chilli cheese fries
laruefrinsky ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 04:16:00 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The Lord of the flies
Freger_ ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 04:16:41 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
RNG in video games
Bradaz ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 04:17:25 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of eyes adjusting to light. When you wake up and go to bathroom at midnight you won't be blinded by a solar flare from Krillin.
Roty117 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 04:17:56 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
godesse of debugging and "HELLO, WORLD"
Default_Novelty_Name ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 04:21:16 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Coffee God.
Buffafro ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 04:22:37 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Random furious itchiness.
Sivcere ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 04:25:52 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of pillows. Pillous.
Please me and your pillow will be blessed with warmth and softness but anger me and your pillow will be flat and cold.
All fear the wrath of Pillous.
GoingViking ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 04:28:50 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I would be the god of really good coffee. So much worship and adoration, even from an entry level position.
cookiesandconundrums ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 04:30:50 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The god of regulating car alarms that go off incessantly in the middle of the night.
[deleted] ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 04:38:20 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)*
The god of the warm sunlight in cold weather.
Good people would find themselves blessed with the pleasant feeling of the begginings of spring, with soft cool breezes intensifying the warm light of the sun between the clouds.
Evil heathens would feel sharp icy air in winter and horribly intense blinding sunlight in summer.
Good people would find the cold breezes on summer and warmth in winter.
Heathens will prepare to go out to the cold winter and suddenly find the climate too warm to wear the jacket. And in summer, they will come out of their houses, ready to enjoy the sun, just to feel the power of the cold odd wind which forces you to wear something else.
intensely_human ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 04:38:48 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Why the god of parallel parking of course. intensely_human, take the wheel!
jwfc ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 04:45:43 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Fear Me, Nettus God of fast internet
faltzerflame ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 04:48:22 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
id be the god of happy coincidence. you order 2 large pizza and today just happens to be a 20% off sale. you go to buy a mundane item and a person you have a crush on is there to buy the same thing.
Lionisa ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 04:48:55 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I'd be goddess of books, specifically finding the exact page of information you were looking for or your spot in your book when you're bookmark falls out. Death to the dog earers of the world!
JustBroWithIt ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 05:01:03 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The God of making dodgy phone chargers work eventually by putting them in precarious positions.
BatNarwhal ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 05:03:11 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The God of All Nighters... Pray to me and you can stay up and remember everything you stayed up for
Taman_Should ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 05:08:23 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Stickynotes. Now bow to me.
SassafrassPudding ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 05:09:59 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I would be the God of Browser Refresh. If you pray to me, your page will refresh slightly faster.
[deleted] ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 05:11:34 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I would be the god of jokes that you think are funny, but actually are horrible. All would know my name.
Dylamb ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 05:13:05 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of Work? or work promotion and raises.
Taco_Burrit0 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 05:17:57 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The God of Logon. You have a big project due for work today? Nope, that password is wrong, and that one, yes even that one that no one knows is secretly your brazzers account
adudewithglasses ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 05:18:07 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I'm going to be the god of stubbing your toe. Don't make me angry, I'm a vengefull god.
Dagos ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 05:20:53 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Goddess of remembering where you put your things. Anger me, and you will never find your car keys again!
MachateElasticWonder ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 05:22:47 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
My girlfriend said she wants to be the goddess of getting to the toilet on time.
You know when you're on a road trip...
DeMagnet76 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 05:24:44 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The god of disc golf. I know a lot of people that already pray to such a god to help them miss this a tree or whatever so really, I'd just be fulfilling a role that is already requested.
aaronite ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 05:31:38 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of God of War. I've never played it, but it'd be cool. Sounds important, but totally isn't.
[deleted] ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 05:37:17 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
god of mild enthusiasm. a favorite among middle managers everywhere.
Nosiege ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 05:38:50 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The God of being able to scratch that itch in just the right way.
alepocalypse ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 05:51:35 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
the god of timing.
I am the god you pray to for rock-star parking
Silent_Ogion ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 05:59:14 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Goddess of Double Point Knitting Needles. Bow before my alter, leave me offerings of plied wool and silk thread, and never again will you be left wondering why you only have three needles instead of a proper set of four or five.
Also, never again will you be left wondering where your size 7s are, you know you left them exactly in this skein of yarn last, and when on Earth you picked up four sets of 5s.
deadtomsdead ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 06:01:40 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The Goddess of Green Lights. Please me and I'll ensure that you hit every green light. Anger me and I'll make sure that red light glitches that day and stays red until you figure out 2 minutes later that it's broken..
infinus5 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 06:02:54 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The god of gold panning When I am out digging for gold in the creeks and I havent found anything for awhile I mutter a short "where the fuck is the gold Hades!? you owe me!" and low in behold almost every pan after that has a few flakes, not enough to get me rich, but enough to keep me coming back. I could be one of Hades sub contractors putting tiny flecks of gold into spoons and putting the biggest chunky nuggets in the pans of those who give thanks the most. these people will find happiness in what they have and give thanks, those that do not give thanks will forever seek that foot ball sized nugget, but never find it, even though it was under their feet the whole time.
DarkNeutron ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 06:17:09 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I am the god of segmentation faults. Bow before me and weep, mortal, for you have strayed from hallowed ground.
saiah123 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 06:19:36 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Call me phallus God of the lesser endowed.
[deleted] ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 06:22:34 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I would be the god of iphone earphone entangling.
If you're nice in your prayers, your earphone won't intertwine. But if you are rude, I shall give you an endless, entangled earphone nightmare!
vilefeildmouseswager ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 06:31:30 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The god of appropriate tipping and protector of service industry workers.
I_am_fed_up_of_SAP ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 06:33:09 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of Pleasant Surprises :)
[deleted] ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 06:40:02 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of WWE Monday Night Raw being occasionally good.
ShamelessDistraction ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 06:42:35 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The God of Slight Breezes
Not that important, but more power than you'd think. Small comfort in heat, moving paper, flying seeds, etc...
Temples should be filled with windchimes and paper windmills, to allow me to make my presence known. Offerings should be burnt and scattered into a slight breeze (not Wind, fuck that guy.)
catatonical ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 06:43:07 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The god of successful toilet flushing
lirenotliar ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 06:43:23 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
god of the pointless argument. friends, relationships, jobs. these thing matter not to this god. what matters is that when your ex-boss goes online later to check, he finds out that you were right; teeth are part of the skeleton, but are NOT made of bone (enamel and dentin).
suck it bradley, i was gonna quit anyway...
stringsftw ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 06:44:37 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The god of knowing when cockroaches will fly. Damn
[deleted] ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 06:46:00 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The God of No Fucks Given. It's like I really don't care.
[deleted] ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 06:46:59 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I would be the god of janitors.
TheCultist ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 06:51:39 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I would be the god of Inkjet printers. I would be invoked multiple times a day. Very rarely in kind words
lachoigin ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 06:51:43 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
FASHION
[deleted] ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 06:59:47 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I would be the god of writing
[deleted] ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 07:03:10 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I am Skeltal, God of Calcium.
mrwhibbley ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 07:13:31 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Tuesday mornings. Or Pizza.
Skilldibop ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 07:20:30 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Hookers. One step up from the arch pimp.
kawaii_song ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 07:28:44 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
god of invisible holograms.
imagine whatever you want
Ephistorus ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 07:29:21 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The god of "meh, let's do it tomorrow".
My priests would just approach to people and yell "YESTERDAY you said TOMORROW!"
AntiFailz ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 07:34:01 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Failure. I would monitor and rate one's failures and decide whether or not they deserve a success.
badgersprite ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 07:57:41 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I am the God of that thing you were just thinking about and that you were just about to go do or write down because it was worth remembering, but now that you've gone to do it you can't remember what it was.
Menolydc ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 08:04:57 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Goddess of booty
JuantheTacoFairy ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 08:06:38 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The God of when you walk into a room, forget why you went in, then walk back out, then remember why you went in the room.
Chakolit-Chip ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 08:07:35 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Goddess of paper. Paper crafts and books are both super awesome.
Chernograd ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 08:16:10 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I would be the God of sweating and itchiness. The God who gently reminds you that maybe you could stand to change your underwear.
50ftqueeni ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 08:30:41 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The goddess of the perfect cereal to milk ratio
50ftqueeni ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 08:31:11 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
the god of knowing just the right outfit for every occasion
50ftqueeni ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 08:31:28 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
the god of making sure you're never the first one to arrive to a party
50ftqueeni ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 08:32:34 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The god that ensures your luggage will never be lost at the airport
[deleted] ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 08:43:58 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Grocery store workers.
I would smite shitty customers every day, rather than just subtly giving them too much cheese.
Dragon_Fisting ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 08:45:58 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I'm RNGesus, God of getting headshots on eco rounds in CS:GO
Dipitydoodahdipityay ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 08:46:56 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Goddess of roommates. If you make the proper sacrifices you'll have a best friend, clean and relatively quiet (but fun). If not...
mochi_chan ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 08:56:24 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I'd like to be the goddess of vending machines, If you score 7777 and win a free drink, it was me. (I live in Japan and they have lucky numbers in vending machines)
kittypr0nz ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 08:58:26 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Goddess of meowing awkwardly during social interactions to relieve social tensions. Offer me whiskey and your abortions.
RiteClicker ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 09:01:22 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of auto-attacking
Wonder why your heroes/champs are attacking that creep/minion without any attack commands? Because I did that for you.
UTSA_ENT18 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 09:02:30 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The God of labor conditions. Cuz fuck this Texas heat
Riverya ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 09:08:33 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The god of reconnecting. Every time you lose your Internet connection in the middle of a game, I'll reconnect it for you once your connection is good to go.
Rito pls.
[deleted] ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 09:33:50 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of Procrasturbation
Because you have so much important shit to do......you end up masturbating
AllHailTheWinslow ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 09:39:01 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The Smiter of Annoying Patients and Self-entitled Wankers in Hospitals.
The Mighty S.o.A.P.S.W.H.! ...wait...
[deleted] ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 09:42:17 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
internet connections, FOR TOO LONG my connection died before I was going to rank up SO I WILL SAVE THE PEOPLE OF THE PARTICULAR ROCKY ROCK ROCK WE LIVE ON AND STUFF, BY MAKING THEIR CONNECTION AMAZING
Mage_of_Shadows ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 09:47:59 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of Reddit I decide whether you get to have your post noticed
Kazin7 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 09:50:52 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of making everything arrive on time when you need it! or the God of the "little voice in your head" hahah
Laoscaos ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 09:52:33 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I am Lars! God of remembering if you left the oven on!
[deleted] ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 09:58:47 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I would be the god of binge-watching Netflix. And like any respectable god, I'd lead by example. It's a tough job, but someone has to do it...for hours, and hours, and hours.
[deleted] ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 10:06:37 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I'd love to be the God of bowel movements The number of prayers I would get! I could smite anyone to diarrhoea or pies and it would be awesome
kingofshit ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 10:08:35 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The god of the golden drop! You pray to me and id I'm pleased you receive a minty fresh behind that smells like vanilla and strawberries.
UbiquitousIncinerate ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 10:08:44 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Shoe-lace tying.
MDKrouzer ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 10:29:52 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Auto-saves and data recovery. My power will grow as I gain more and more believers until I can overthrow the old gods!
Couturewishes ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 10:34:34 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I will be the God of call centers. If you are polite and call to me you will get through, otherwise you might be on hold for 6 hours and then get a grumpy cat lady who doesn't hear every second word
Sproutling925 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 10:35:19 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Internet connections.
swimfastalex ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 10:37:16 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of Breakfast. I'm too tired of waiting for my eggo waffle or bagel to be ready, so instead BAM my breakfast is ready within seconds...
Kyriake ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 10:40:07 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The God who ensures that there will just be enough toilet paper on the roll for you. Angry me and you shall feel my wrath!
ChromeLynx ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 11:37:31 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I'm surprised there's no god of buses and trains up here yet. Pray to me and the train/bus will be on time. Ignore me, expect to be late.
mith192 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 11:52:02 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Bow down and pray before me, for I am the God of Bacon.
[deleted] ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 12:10:38 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The god of Tangled Cords If you are kind to me, then rolled up Headphones stay nice, just as your left them... But if you piss me off, it'll be worse than defusing a fucking atom bomb... Choose wisely
blackgreygreen ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 12:32:02 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Dustbunnies
Mac_Light ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 12:43:32 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Diethon- god of perfect rolls, patron saint of role players and gamblers
racf599 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 12:45:24 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I will be the god of state level government bureaucracy. please me and your applications will go through quickly and with no errors. anger me and you will suffer through a tax audit with a grumpy auditor who acts like he's getting paid commission.
graveedrool ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 12:49:54 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The god of remembering to turn off things after you use them to save pennies on utility bills. Praise me and earn my MIRACLES: Lightswitch downstairs? I got that for ya bro. Going to work? It's cool I put your computer on standby and screen for you. Nah you don't need to stand up for the oven you forgot to turn off after you got your food out - I already turned it off -when- it was ready. However earn my wrath and you shall know the infuriating sound of the tap just lightly dribbling from the bathroom as you get into bed, only -barely- still on, but enough to bug you and leave you indecisive of whether you want to bother to get up and go turn it off or not. They shall call me... Officious!
Rainewood ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 12:55:22 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The god of the Java install. Praying to me may yield the correct install; blasphemy results in an outdated 32 bit version.
AndThusThereWasLight ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 13:14:24 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I shall be God of Showering. Please me and your shower shall be at the perfect temperature within moments. Anger me and you shall never know the bliss of a perfect shower temperature. It is either too hot or too cold.
tomato_paste ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 13:17:46 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Is the pantheon of gods like an ATM machine, or a PIN number?
radford_6920 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 13:29:27 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I would be the God of inappropriate farts. If your karma is good, it will be odorless and silent. If your a dickhead your farts will echo and leave a bad taste in your tinder dates mouth
Holydriver ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 13:31:04 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Can I be the god of common sense?
Ihateallgigginox ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 13:33:36 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
If be the God of staying up longer than you meant to.
ballrus_walsack ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 13:36:08 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of Reddit. I have a long way to go...
urielsalis ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 13:51:12 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Diarreah
Footpeter ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 14:13:05 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Alarm snoozing god. Stay asleep for another 5 minutes, I got this.
dustyolefart ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 14:21:28 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The God of bonus items from the vending machine.
CuteThingsAndLove ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 14:36:18 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I'll be the Goddess of the first date. You don't need to pray to me. I'll decide if this first date is going to end in a relationship or end that night. No more fuckboys dating perfect other people.
ilikespookystories ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 14:39:35 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
the goddess of web browser history :) pray hard enough, and i might erase it
Valese18 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 14:43:01 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The Goddess of Microwaves. Keep me happy and I'll make sure your food comes out all nice and perfect. Piss me off and I'll make sure there's a super icy cold spot right in the middle of your food every time.
[deleted] ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 14:54:31 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)*
I want to be the god of elevators (e.g buttons, doors).
Such chaos.
Edit* I forgot to put a.
Hanemone ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 15:07:41 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of mild inconveniences. Pray to me and you will be free of your inconvenience. Unless I find that you're an asshole.
65modman ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 15:26:22 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I would be the god of daydreaming. People need their little mental respites.
IsotopesRule ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 15:30:29 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The God of Passive Aggressiveness. That's a great idea Zeus, maybe next time make a law that doesn't fuck everybody over so hard. Thanks
genericguysname ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 15:31:08 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of Sleeping at Work without Getting Caught.
ICanCountGood ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 15:52:08 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of realizing there's piss on my pants when I walk out of the bathroom.
dmn2e ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 16:21:43 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I would be the God of Gravity. "Mom, why do things fall down?" "Because of Dmn2e, son." Gravity is really powerful stuff, but I think it would slide under the radar of the bigger gods because they take it for granted.
GodPidgeon ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 16:38:54 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Parking
mr_grass_man ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 16:45:09 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The God of shower ideas---- the best kind of ideas!!
Sigmaplays ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 16:58:13 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Dads.
SnaggyKrab ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 17:49:25 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I would be the god of video games.
Our diety, who art replayable, hallowed be thy game.
Thy console come, thy respawn be done. In game, as it is in Heaven.
Give us this day our extra lives, and forgive us of our cheat codes, as we forgive those who use cheats against us.
Lead us not into hacking, but deliver us from campers.
[deleted] ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 19:39:18 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The Goddess of accidentally saying fucked up shit. If you please me I'll keep from saying that, if you don't I'll ensure you say everything you're thinking.
I may have been known as the serial killer in highschool.
NullTheFool ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 20:31:59 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of successfully removing perforated notebook paper.
SilverShadowWolf ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 22:13:57 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Goddess of the perfect witty response, however I am very lazy so will probably only bless you with this knowledge way after you finish said conversation
Seal3824 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 00:22:03 on September 10, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The god of awkward conversations. Pray to me, and you shall avoid them, ignore me and you will be cursed with always being drawn into awkward conversations for a fortnight.
HeraldofUnicron ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 01:11:29 on September 10, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The Goddess of Slash Fanfiction. Please me and I will make your ships hella popular.
SexyR63VinylScratch ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 01:47:31 on September 10, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Fedoralus, the god of that feeling when you can't stand to watch an entire video because it's too cringey.
mai_tais_and_yahtzee ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 16:26:08 on September 10, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Bacon
ilivedinbooks ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 02:20:07 on September 11, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Goddess of getting a seat alone on a bus. If you're respectful of me, no strangers will sit next to you even on a crowded bus. If you anger me, a stranger with boundary issues will sit next to you the entire bus ride and you'll have to feel their leg next to your leg while they talk loudly on the phone, or dance along to music on their headphones, therefore jostling you constantly.
Eucharism ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 05:52:45 on September 11, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Making paperclip necklaces.
lorak627 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 06:02:44 on September 11, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
god of lego
Josef_Joris ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 13:59:09 on September 12, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
bullshitman
MrGBSM ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 22:12:35 on September 12, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I choose... The God of Sneaky Farts. Pray to me every morning, and be blessed with silent farts.
mangoleon1 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 12:31:13 on September 15, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of passwords, remember your fucking passwords when you need it
Moof_Face ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 13:29:51 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I choose to be the God of informing people of WHEN TO REORDER GOD DAMN OFFICE SUPPLIES. There have been no pens for 2 weeks.
[deleted] ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 13:34:35 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
[deleted]
remuladgryta ยท 5 points ยท Posted at 14:23:06 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I pray for answers to this age old debate, oh wrinkly one. Pinch and roll or stretch and rake?
MrsMonitorMoniker ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:19:27 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I haven't seen someone use the word 'fealty' since singing my high school alma mater. Bravo.
fundayz ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 11:41:46 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The God of Lost Keys.
I would have so many followers.
corvettee01 ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 11:44:30 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The god of naps. Not full blown sleep, just when you have half an hour to kill or when you should be doing something else.
food_dreams ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:57:43 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
You would be my favorite God, I might even get a little figurine for my keychain.
BlitzandChitzc-137 ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 11:53:08 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Packing bowls
thelovebandit ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 17:42:56 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Funny, I'm the God of packing bowels
BlitzandChitzc-137 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:48:33 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
So you just buttfuck everything? Women children ,old people, cats you just love buttfucking?
thelovebandit ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 17:55:16 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I regulate buttfucking, depth, moisture, etc.
sio_later ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 11:54:02 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Ice Cream
dberis ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 12:01:16 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I'd be the God in charge of Queens. That way, whenever someone says "God save the Queen," I'd know I'm being taken seriously.
ImperatorTempus42 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:23:38 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Hera?
MrGinger ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 12:03:23 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of waking up just before your alarm goes off. Both loved and hated.
linksfan ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 12:10:05 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of things that get stuck in drawers.
tadir ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 16:18:21 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
http://wiki.lspace.org/mediawiki/Anoia
linksfan ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 16:19:03 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
:D
tydestra ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 12:10:07 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Goddess in charge of finding lost keys.
cl0sure_ ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 12:11:31 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The God of Swiping Right
You're welcome
[deleted] ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 12:23:05 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of the internet.
My boss would be Hermes but I would have to hire cats since they are the ones worshipped on the internet.
[deleted] ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 12:37:28 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I would be the god of those little paperclip holders with the magnet in the top so there is always another paperclip.
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:19:48 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
They are great, but I'd think of those as more of an alter to the god of organized work spaces.
travelphotomoto ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 12:50:42 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I'm the god of well-timed green lights.
Y'all can thank me later.
dudefromnam ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 13:44:43 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The God of an Itchy butthole
tenclubber ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 14:35:06 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I would sacrifice things to you.
cryptamine ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 15:36:49 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The god of tits and wine. I'm a homosexual male and I don't drink. Much.
[deleted] ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 17:11:42 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Loras Tyrell
sgrwtrprpl ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 17:35:15 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of the no wipe. If I did not receive your prayers, I would curse you with the longest, dirtiest wiping session ever, even when you thought you'd be done, you'd still have another half dozen at least. I would literally break your will into having to shower it would be so bad. If I had receive proper tribute, you wouldn't even reach for that TP.
Bossballoon ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 19:23:21 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of screen protectors. I decide whether or not you have dust or bubbles under it.
Merovean ยท 4 points ยท Posted at 21:36:32 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I'd be "Ohgod", God of female orgasms... World wide women already pray to this deity, I'd like to fill the role.
JesseBrown447 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 21:37:29 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I'm the god of gut bacteria. Have a probiotic issue? Come give me a tithe, i'll give you some healthy fecal matter.
Intj0318 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 21:39:24 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of turning on the radio right when your favorite song starts.
forevereatingdessert ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 21:39:25 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of parallel parking. Some guy thinks of double parking you in? Not when you're worshipping at my alter!
vagabondhermit ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 21:39:51 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The God of Civic Disinterest. My domain is that moment several seconds after reading about a terrible event in the news when your brain shifts from "oh that's awful, someone should do something" to "dear lord my cat is adorable."
cravenewworld ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 21:40:01 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
dรฉjร vu
Zanderax ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 21:40:55 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I am the God of adjustable office chairs. Everything will be fine until you piss me off.
The_Ostrich_you_want ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 21:58:52 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Orgasmion. God of you guessed it, orgasms.
tunelesspaper ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 21:59:45 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Procrastination
ghryzzleebear ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 22:07:17 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
It's entry level, which means that I'm not qualified because I don't have 5 years of experience.
regisgod ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 22:07:23 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Sandwiches. Literally any type as long as it doesnt have mustard in it.
[deleted] ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 00:35:42 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of the Maggie Gyllenhaal faces... ( อกยฐโญอสโฎอกยฐ )
[deleted] ยท 7 points ยท Posted at 16:56:38 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)*
[deleted]
Chawkinstein ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 16:58:43 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Ra'men. May the sauce of a thousand ripe tomatoes be poured onto you and you never want for another meatball.
[deleted] ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 12:02:57 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
[deleted]
Codoro ยท 15 points ยท Posted at 12:46:38 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Sorry, that one's taken.
Rivuzu ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 12:47:22 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The God of forgotten Lego pieces hidden on the floor.
softhack ยท 3 points ยท Posted at 12:05:40 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of Dank Memes
MrModius ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 23:51:26 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Dank Rare Pepe
Amanoo ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 19:35:24 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I'll be known as Anoius, the god of Things That Stick in Drawers, and I'm praised by rattling a drawer and crying "How can it close on the damned thing but not open with it? Who bought this? Do we ever use it?". I'm also responsible for Things Down The Backs of Sofas. Praise and prayers to me will be guaranteed, and as such, I'll slowly but surely get more powerful, as more people become my followers/get things stuck.
And I totally didn't steal an already existent idea and genderbend it.
Sforza_UK ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 19:39:11 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
You could at least attribute that to Terry Pratchett, instead of wholesale stealing his Goddess Anoia from the Discworld novels.
yunj001 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 20:13:14 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of dank memes
sl1878 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 21:10:17 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Cosplay. Pray to me to have your costumes and cosplays look amazing.
[deleted] ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 21:35:40 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of cable management. (Like in your computer.) Sacrifice zip ties unto me and thou shalt stave off the force of entropy!
EatMoreCupcakesNow ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 21:36:17 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The God of Coffee. You piss me off, have fun falling asleep on the drive to work, fucker!
totallynotdrugs ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 21:36:27 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I am the goddess of hoodies. Please me and you shall bathe in my comfortable warmth. Anger me and you shall be cursed with uneven strings for all eternity.
Felcleave ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 21:36:39 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The God of getting startled by inane things like toasters or a kid running by you really close when you weren't expecting it. Pray to me and you are safe from these situations. Fail to pray and I'll make a bird fly by you and freak you out in a public place so everyone stares and wonders what the fuck is wrong with you.
peanutbutter4all ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 21:37:05 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)*
The God of breakfast. If I see you brunching I will smite thee! Get your ass up and eat. May thine breads and spreads be plentiful.
Opticalplasma ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 21:37:32 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I would be the god of raging on video games
Nightthunder ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 21:37:55 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of your wifi stability and if your printer will work at 3:00 am
DMcCallister ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 21:38:25 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)*
I am the god of blinking. Pay me tribute or have your eyeballs dry out!
evilhunter32 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 21:39:12 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I would be the god of making coffee because you know Thor and Odin wouldn't want to go raiding without a godly cup of coffee to have before battle
mkh31097 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 21:39:41 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of your food temprature. Ever had your food just a bit colder than it should. Or hot but not enough so as you're eating you know that at some point it will turn cold and tasteless? worship me and i'll fix that.
Zodimized ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 21:39:49 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I'd choose the God of the Commute. See traffic part before you when you are running late. Watch as the slower cars move out of the fast lanes. Be amazed as people learn how to merge correctly.
R3ZZONATE ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 21:39:49 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Pizza
LuawATCS ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 21:39:51 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The God of Powered Flight. Pray to me, you'll have blue skies, smooth air and no delays. Piss me off and you'll maybe land sometime this decade.
MrSkeltal_NeedsDoots ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 21:50:01 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I'd be the god of finding that last coin you need when you're short on change at the counter
Sovereign_M ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 22:28:40 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
WHY is there not one of these yet? Mine would be simple but awesome. I'm the God of Explosions! I have one question and one question only! Explosions? "insert massive fireball here"
nos145 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 22:32:38 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Masturbation
The_Plopster ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 22:54:52 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The god of sneezes. It would be great to be able to make someone sneeze whenever i want. Its so suttle but so annoying and dangerous in some situations.
JezzaN1 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 23:32:27 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
i would be the god of those inevitable few droplets of piss that always seem to dribble out after you tuck your old fella away, no matter how vigorously you shake it. ( อกยฐ อส อกยฐ)
killer3james ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 23:39:57 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of internet scrubs.
VR-Per4mance ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 23:44:59 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of lost socks, pray to me to return your socks, or make offerings to keep them
JRodkey240 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 23:47:27 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of household appliances recognize me or I will wreck your savings account!
DragonNextDoor ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 23:49:08 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The god of Wi-Fi. You're paying for the best connection but why is it still messing up? Disconnections? Lag? Can't connect? You didn't pay your tithe.
cpc730 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 23:50:07 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The God of things that fall out of gym short pockets without you noticing.
aarovski ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 23:50:24 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I am the God of That Thing Where You're Just About To Sneeze But Then Your Friend is All "Hey, what's up?" And You Suddenly Freeze But Then You Still Have That Nose Tingle It's A Horrible Tease And You're Like "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK!"
m30w7h ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 23:50:47 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I am the Goddess of smooth check-ins and check-outs at dining and hotel facilities.
Next time you don't get double conditioner instead of shampoo you'll know I was there. :3
OhIamNotADoctor ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 23:51:42 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
A decent cup of espresso based coffee in the morning. I'll do lattes and cappuccinos, might do iced lattes too, see how we go.
SealRave ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 23:51:55 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The God of mood lighting. Photographers, Cinematographers, People who display art and/or artifacts, and lovers are my main followers.
Redtex ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 23:54:12 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The God of Transportation!
I'd be so damn powerful
Soperos ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 23:55:02 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Women putting on their underwear. Or taking it off. I'm a pervert.
Icyywinds ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 23:55:41 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of Telemarketers, piss me off and I shall unleash the most annoying telemarketers directly to your phone.
collectionofsuns ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 23:56:51 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Goddess of stopping yourself from swallowing something whole ie. gum, ice etc
Dale8998 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 23:57:15 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)*
Suse Studio, a custom OS builder that's ridiculously easy to use.
iBoojum ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 23:57:37 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I would be the God of toasted bread products.
furious_20 ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 00:30:49 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The God of gaming here. Brace yourselves, EA and Activision; I sense my first smite coming...
BMIdoesnotlie ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 00:36:06 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Smite rockstar, so they stop making retardedly bad PC ports.
galacticjihad ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 01:37:32 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Good of good poops. You know those two or three times a year that you sit down and all your shit just falls out. Then when you go to wipe there is nothing there. 30 seconds from pants down to flush.
If you're thinking to yourself "This is pretty common for me". Well, you're welcome.
nickferraro ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 23:56:09 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
the God of tits and wine
Bless_Me_Bagpipes ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 13:36:43 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
getting places on time
Ephemeris ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 13:49:43 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The God of sleeping in on the weekends
ImA10AllTheTime ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 13:51:29 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I shall be the God of stubbing your toe. Retribution will be swift for those who are impious. A cruel but fair master.
Lying_idiot ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 13:53:15 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I would become the god of die rolls.
I am RNGesus, hear me and obey.
Knusperklotz ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 13:55:34 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The god of gum, pray to me and no gum will ever be stuck on your body and clothes.
bacon_flavored ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 14:04:10 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of the passing lane.
Valyrian_Architect ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 14:04:43 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The God of Printing. "Oh you wanted your documents to actually print? That's gonna cost you a blood sacrifice I'm afraid."
hateexchange ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 14:41:13 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I think that's taken all ready.
Gustavius040210 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 14:05:03 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of the flimsy toilet paper.
Unless you chant "umpa chicka doom-doom, keep my finger out the boom-boom" just before wiping, your finger will push through the paper on the first wipe.
CthulhluCalled ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 14:08:05 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The God of Snooze Buttons.
NeverAshamed ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 14:13:16 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of chicken. Everyone likes chicken.
TheOneAndOnlyPip ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 14:13:45 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The Goddess of duct tape and WD-40.
Timepotato ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 14:14:34 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
All hail Timepotato the god of procrastination.
loreleisparrow ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 14:14:37 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Big Leezy, Goddess of 90's G-Funk and Hip-Hop.
TheeGREATHambino ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 14:14:50 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The God Of Pasta
Nomnomvore ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 14:16:20 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The god of traffic congestion.
Octosphere ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 14:16:33 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Traffic lights. So much fun to be had.
OneSidedDice ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 14:16:33 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Grievous Bodily Harm
cromario ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 14:16:41 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
It all depends on what god-job I'm aiming at. God of War? Wine? Knowledge? Sea?
If I wanted to be god of knowledge, I'd start as the god of the random fact.
The_Neck ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 14:16:47 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of Clean Toilets and Endless Ass Gaskets
MexicanTacoDog ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 14:18:24 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Peanut butter and jelly sandwiches. However, cold milk to wash it down is another guy.
DictatorKris ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 14:20:44 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I would be the god of minor injuries at inconvenient times. Have to give a presentation in front of a bunch of people? Oh you are so going to wake up with a slightly scratchy throat. Wanted to do nothing but play video games on your day off? Guess what, paper cuts! Trying to impress a girl by joining her jogging routine? Your ass is gonna stub a toe so badly you'll walk with a hobble for two days.
thegiantcat1 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 14:21:57 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of customers dialing the wrong extension when there is a clearly worded greeting on a phone system.
Whenever a customer goes through 9 more prompts than they need to and end up reaching an obscure department such as R&D instead of billing(even though it was the first prompt on the greeting) I will be there.
When a customer just yells "I want to talk to a human" and hits 0 impatiently I will be there.
When someone goes through 5 telephone prompts ends up in one department even though they had someones direct extension and could have dialed it only to be transferred to them by someone I will be there.
Theres_A_FAP_4_That ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 14:22:13 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Gum-chewing. I would make sad people cheew gum where the flavor never wears off. If you park like a d-bag, you gum will get hard and tasteless really quick.
TheRealBurty ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 14:23:44 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I am god of the near empty fuel tank, lighting the way to the nearest petrol pump
hmscoachhardin ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 14:25:47 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I am Treviart, God of the Silencer. I hush those students who are talking about mundane, inane things during important lectures, note discussion, and those trying to talk about instructions they didn't hear or don't understand (so they talk to the person next to them) during test-taking.
mrkabin ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 14:26:01 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of Cheez-its.
FootyPajamas ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 14:26:06 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of papercuts. Fear me first world.
Jbota ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 14:27:17 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The god of stop lights. I'd be a merciful god...at first.
gwrgwir ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 14:28:13 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Hedgehogs.
TacticalDildoInbound ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 14:28:30 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of Tactical Dildos
pALeWrA1tH ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 14:28:41 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I'd be the God of Metal. Pray to me and I'll teach you how to be fucking brutal.
ragingnerd ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 14:29:39 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of Coffee Machines. Cubicle neighbor to the God of Coffee. We work together a lot.
Sephiroth_Crescent ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 14:29:49 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Mustard
MrFurrypants ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 14:30:28 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I am the god of phone battery charge. Some days, if I am feeling benevolent, I will allow your phone to run all day, others, you will look down at 9:42 in the morning and see 17% remaining.
Down to 3%? Entreat me to allow you the power to post this one last Instagram pic!
purpurrido ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 14:31:30 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of random boners
Realdogfood ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 14:31:45 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The god of petty justice, be rude to the barista, you drop your coffee.
Timmain ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 14:32:22 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of Coffee-Making. I already inhabit that position in the PANTHEON OF WORK! but I'd be happy to take over that spot in a more over-arching world-view.
TheAustinKnight ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 14:33:00 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of Sitting Around and Playing On the Phone to Avoid Engaging with the Real World
The_Auchtor ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 14:33:06 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of Documentation. Every time someone leaves your department, you'd be praising my name.
onastyinc ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 14:33:26 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
onastyinc, the god of parking spots.
I'll give people with sweet karma great spots, and boot/tow all douche parkers.
Hipsterskumm ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 14:34:03 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of returning text messages and emails. I HATE that little icon mocking me, it needs to be answered!
Gemuese11 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 14:36:25 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of calcium. Doot doot motherfucker
Nyrobi ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 14:36:46 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of printers so that I can just stop them from working for no random reason on my enemies! FUCK YOU KYLE!
surelyucantbserious ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 14:37:10 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The God of picking somewhere to eat.
No more useless conversations that never produce results.
Leatherneck55 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 14:38:56 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Toast. I want to be the God of Toast. I love toast, the smell of it, the texture, the taste.
josephanthony ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 14:39:39 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of After-Sex Clarity.
Dysl3xicDog ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 14:40:20 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The god of turning it off and on again
KitsuneKabuki ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 14:40:25 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of annoying people by looking at them with a vacant expression.
I love doing that.
damtagrey ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 14:40:51 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
minor inconveniences. Red lights lasting slightly longer than seems fair, long lines at the coffee shop, stuck behind slow walkers in a narrow hallway. the little things that take away from your day.
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 14:42:29 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Scaring white people.
DepthsofMadness ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 14:42:54 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The god of that terrible stomach feeling when you are hung over and have to shit, but nothing ever comes out.
Queue up and praise me peasants! Pray for my blessings to find another!
Ply my followers with ounces of liquor and let the festivities begin!
those_pesky_kids ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 14:43:00 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Goddess of Names.
Proper tribute ensures you'll be able to remember anyone's name after just one meeting. Fail me and you'll never remember the name of that guy you've seen literally everyday for the past year. You can only reverse the effects if you say my name three times... hope you can remember it.
VladiimirPutin ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 14:43:09 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of reddit
the_dude_imbibes ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 14:43:10 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I can't answer your question; grilling, though "everyday," is not mundane.
But yes, grilling.
Valonis ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 14:43:36 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Tits and wine - specifically in that order
Theepicbrofist ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 14:45:22 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I'd like to be the god of RNG for game loot.
I'd become the Grand Poobah of Gods in a week.
PapaFern ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 14:45:40 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of the pencil.
SpartanH089 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 14:45:41 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I am the God of Timely Internet Connectivity.
I am there boosting your signal in the middle of nowhere and stretching just far enough to the bathroom for a shit. I am also the one who cuts service when your wasted.
stinky-french-cheese ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 14:45:53 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of potholes. Heed my greatness, or drive in New York!
iSo_Cold ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 14:45:56 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Cha-ching. Ancient God of found fortune. That 5 dollars you forgot was in your pants? Me. That crumpled up 10spot you found in the ground? Me. That coupon that totally made lunch happen that the clerk didn't have to tell you about? Mine again.
All you have to do is call my name when you find fortune, and my blessings will continue to flow.
ManMadeDreams ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 14:46:15 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of the Morning Coffee.
So I bless thy first chalice of Java in this fortuitous morn; and in doing so, command you, from this point until dusk, to be imbued with the holy caffeine and remember the assistance in waking that I have bestowed upon you.
UnderwaySFW ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 14:46:32 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of no-reproduction. Sing praises to me and the pull out method becomes 100% effective.
InformedChoice ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 14:46:40 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The God of ensuring one ply is never the norm, or the God of no dirty fingers as I may also be known.
Skellyton5 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 14:46:50 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of turn signals. Those who use them get open lanes. Those who don't merge into each other.
robbdire ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 14:46:56 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I would be the deity of caffeine. You praise me anytime you consume caffeine.
I require no sacrifice, it is my pleasure to make sure your work day proceeds with caffeine. And I absolutely insist that you are willing to sacrifice caffeine to the deity of tech support so they may bless you with working tech.
SaboNoble ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 14:47:01 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
god of reddit commenting
Happy__Dad ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 14:47:12 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Robicus, the god of rust and corrosion.
ghengilhar ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 14:47:32 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The God of unsaved excel files that you were sure you saved and then you clicked close and now it's gone.
Auspants ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 14:47:37 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I'm the god of regular poos, not often mentioned but beloved by all.
jfm2143 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 14:47:55 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I am now the god of perfectly tearing perforated paper!
mister_antonio ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 14:48:41 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I would be the god of minions.
Shovelbum26 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 14:48:42 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I'd be the God of Things that Stick in the Drawer and Make it Impossible to Open. How many times have you had that happen and not say, "God damn it!" I'd get the most prayers of all the Gods, on the fast track to the top!
Due credit to the brilliant Terry Pratchett of course
smithenheimer ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 14:48:45 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Jeff, God of Biscuits
skelebone ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 14:48:46 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Along with Cardea, goddess of the hinge, and Forculus, god of thresholds, I will be god of drawers.
mrhidea ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 14:49:42 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of peeling plastic protective coating off of house hold appliances. Worshipers will be blessed with a bound of assorted plastics to peel to their satisfaction.
KidGeezer ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 14:50:51 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I'm the God of Stupid Responses.
What do you mean?
NobilisUltima ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 14:50:53 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of the ninja catch. Swear devotion to me, and I may bless you with someone to see it happen next time.
s-dubya ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 14:54:09 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Having a satisfying bowel movement.
Poogmaster1999 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 14:55:14 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of pointless and random trivia
Symml ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 14:55:48 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Tumbleweed or sharpened pencils.
mooders ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 14:55:57 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Procrastination. I will answers your prayers. Later.Maybe.
ouxmar ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 14:56:18 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The god of morning. I would move cars aside so that your boss can stop yelling at your desk job
connienewas ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 14:56:31 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Spaghetti. I will out last every God in the pantheon. To be praised as a monster of irony in the 21st century.
USMCnerd ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 14:56:37 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Has anyone said "fat blunts and dank memes"? If not I call it!
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 14:57:49 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of toe stubbing. Pay tribute or feel my wrath.
gunmedic ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 14:58:09 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Easy. God of Driver's Licenses!
After the drive in to work this morning, and two back to back emergency calls (Ambulance medic and I'm driving a new guy around all day) I would love to have been striking dumbasses with lightning bolts all morning.
Not_Kenny_Rogers_ ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 14:58:15 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The God of Masturbation.
Colopty ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 14:58:49 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of computers. Very mundane and they control everything these days.
ThePruef ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 14:59:18 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of inconvenience, so for every little inconvenient thing that happens you will know who to thank
throwawayUID ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 14:59:26 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I would be the god of the cold side of the pillow! One night a year if I am feeling particularly happy the pillow will remain cool regardless of the side!
the_keymaster_ ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 14:59:55 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of figuring out which fucking lock that key belongs with.
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:00:27 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I want to be the god of melons.
ptwonline ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:00:58 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I would try to make random events that follow a perfectly normal distribution pattern seem less streaky. For example, no more guessing wrong/losing 6-7 times in a row on a pure 50/50, or if a missing object could be in one of 8 spots then make sure you find it by the 5th place you look instead of so often being the last or second last possible place.
Bomba82 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:01:30 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of half baked ideas and pervert thoughts
geared4war ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:01:34 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Filing. I hate when shit is misfiled.
Or toothpaste caps. The should always be put back on/closed.
Drawers. We need a god who punishes people who don't put things in the correct drawers.
Hand washing.
Maybe I need to take my anxiety medication about now...
TheHappyPotato476 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:01:57 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I am the god of lost pen and pencils. I take them out of the different dimension they are taken to when you drop them and are put back into your hand.
OfficerBrando ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:02:53 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
They call me Youesbee. I am the God of making sure that it you must flip your USB device thrice before it properly fits. This makes you stronger in the long run.
getlit_flobert ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:03:52 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Getlit_Flobert - the God of Incompetent Co-Workers. Pray to me to reduce the level of incompetence in your fellow co-workers. Those who please me will have only minor inconveniences that just make them shake their heads and lol. Those who anger me will have double duty to pick up the slack, WITHOUT OVERTIME COMPENSATION!!!
Nerdfighter1174 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:04:02 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I'm the god of coffee.
DudeGuyBor ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:04:13 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of distraction from work
Delvakiir ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:04:14 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I'd be in charge of whether or not someone finds a five dollar bill on the ground. I could instantly make someone's day better.
Wibbits ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:04:16 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The god of the water faucet's balance point between arctic freezing and Mordor.
BlueHighwindz ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:04:34 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Bubblegum. I bring joy, I bring pain.
factionguy ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:04:37 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)*
God of the DMV, meaning anyone who has to go there has all the paper work they need so they don't have to come back a second time.
Decmally ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:04:50 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of pizza.
Butterbean6 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:05:07 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The God of Lost Electronics. You may not think you need me now, but when you've been searching for the remote for like 20 minutes, you'll be on your knees.
garysnail123 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:05:44 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The god of remembering those embarrassing things you did back in middle school.
REMEMBER AND CRINGE AT YOUR PAST DEEDS, MORTAL!
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:05:45 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I am become Pootinkhamun, the god of circlejerks.
Imperious23 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:05:51 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of tabletop RPGs and European style board games. Utter unto me your prayers if you are in need of a group, but be not salty if said group is playing 4th edition D&D, for I am not discriminatory in system (although may the 4e developers suffer a million campaigns of their own game).
Allisade ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:05:51 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of the Lost - Mostly I deal in keys, socks and memories of what you were about to do when you entered that room.
On the plus side however, I'm eternally young (from all those lost childhoods) and all my work is pretty much done for me (from all those lost man hours). People tend to believe me (I get a lot of lost trust) and I'm likable enough (so many lost loves...) but I mostly get cursed instead of worshiped. If it wasn't for all the lost faith in the world, I'd probably have lost myself long ago.
I try to be a kind god as much as I can though, I really really dislike it when people get seriously upset - when someone loses their shit... well, the job kinda stinks.
Sorry, the good jokes continue on and are never really lost so my humor is almost entirely forgettable.
On that note though - eventually I learn pretty much every successfully kept secret, so that's cool.
Less useful but kind of impressive in sheer volume is that I'm where lands, cultures, stories, histories, and the like end up... but only after all the other gods are done with them. You can't really do much with it, but at least I have a realm.
All in all I'd love to be one of the big time, but that race was run long ago - and I lost.
TheQuickAndTheRed ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:05:54 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The God of short-term forgiveness and luck loans. Feeling down because you're a bad person? Want to make a change but not commit to it? Really need help on that one exam but it feels like the other gods aren't listening?
Pray to me! I'll give you baseline forgiveness for any sin and a confidence boost without actually committing divine intervention!
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:06:22 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I am the god of empty batteries
Soulessgingr ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:06:59 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Coffee. MUHHAHAHAHA! I AM A CRUEL GOD!
Affordable_Z_Jobs ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:07:34 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I am the god of empty work bathrooms while you poop. All I ask if for you to wash you hands and not talk in the men's room.
The curse of chit chat while you pee is looming.
corgandane ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:07:35 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I'd be the God of "fake phone calls to avoid talking to people."
Gunsandwhiskey1791 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:07:46 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The God of portable electronic batteries.
It's an entry level position, but there is significant growth potential. iPhone battery getting low? I'm your guy. Laptop out of juice in an important meeting? I'm your guy.
Infinite battery is the new bottomless fish basket, and with the right marketing guy I'd have more followers than Christ in a week. Then I'll cut a deal with tesla for the divine battery technology, kill the petrol industry in the Middle East bringing about world peace and stopping global warming.
Mt. Olympus needs destabilizing innovation, and I'm the guy for the job.
ThatFacelessMan ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:08:58 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I'd be the god of being just in time. Patron of commuters, students, and people trying to stop stuff from falling off the counter.
iamdrunk05 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:09:20 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of coffee, I can control the temperature of the worlds coffee.
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:09:53 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of peaceful silence. That brief moment where you just feel calm with a hint of bliss in the relative silence of the world, thank me and pay me homage of a thousand tortured souls.
cogentorange ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:09:56 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I am cogentorange, god of parking spaces, settler of petty parking disputes! Mortals erect garbage shrines in my honor to defend their unowned parking spot.
IntentionalTexan ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:10:08 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Parking spaces & traffic lights. Want a nice shaded spot near the entrance? Better use your turn signal correctly every time or you will anger Red the patron god of parking spaces. Need to get to work on time? Drive the speed limit all the way, not more nor less mind you, and Red the traffic light god will give you green lights more often than not.
RationalMayhem ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:10:15 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Video buffering. Mess with me and you are going to be viewing video in 240p.
rikjames90 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:10:21 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
god of of thc.
filthyoldsoomka ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:10:38 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I'll be the goddess of procrastination, and motivate you to do that thing later on... But for now, have a break and pace yourself.
rikjames90 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:10:55 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
the ayatollah of black guys that like white girls.
crikeylol ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:11:08 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of Debauchery and Madness.
dbreeck ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:11:34 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of good bandwidth. I giveth and I taketh away. ...You may also know me by my present avatars, Charter and Time Warner.
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:12:56 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I am the god of the Pleasant Shower. If you praise me I will remind you to turn the shower handle to warm before turning it on. Spite me, and the handle will be turned all the way to cold when you turn it on and receive my WRATH!
greentangent ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:13:03 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Oven cleaning. Not everybody does it and no one does it very often. I'd have plenty of free time.
alldaylurker ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:13:06 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of avocados. Worship me and you shall have a perfectly ripe avocado every single time.
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:13:10 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The God of Lost Passwords. Although the facilities are there to easily reset them, people will always give me silent prayer ever time they need to enter one.
canadianleroy ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:13:14 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of bacon
I would have the most god-friends...except the obvious exceptions but they're a little full of themselves anyway
StumpyMcPhuquerson ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:13:44 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Coffee. My followers will be legion. My factions diverse and passionate and will fight for their chosen expresso over pumpkinspice soy latte. My places of worship will never empty and soon I shall be the greatest god of all...Ka'Feen.
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:14:02 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Stop Lights.
Empyrealist ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:14:20 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The God of Cleaning Up After Yourself
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:14:22 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I would be the god of just barely hearing someone speak but not quite hearing what they actually said
Trenonian ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:14:43 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of Printers and Driver Software. Tremble mortals and despair.
erenjaegerbomb93 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:15:02 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Jim, the God of Paper
Lnzy1 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:15:18 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of party snacks.
Knife938 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:15:23 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
One day you wake up as the god of Mayonnaise. The only problem? You prefer Miracle Whip.
pHScale ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:15:31 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I want to be the god of USB devices. Will it go in properly the first time? The second? Only I will know.
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:20:09 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
[deleted]
pHScale ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:22:06 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Ok then, how about being the god of room temperature?
SemperFiGuy ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:16:06 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of Red Lights. Submit to my daily inconvience!
BathofFire ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:16:18 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The god of q-tips. Every time you had an ear itch you couldn't scratch and you just happened to find a q-tip and relieve it, that was me. You're welcome.
razezero1 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:16:24 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Steel maybe?
seditive26114 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:16:29 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
When you think you feel your phone vibrate but it really doesn't.
The god of false attention and hope.
antbones111 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:16:44 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of texting and autocorrect. I'd be a trickster god. Feel your phone vibrate in your pocket but no message? That's me. Try to send a message only to have to last word autocorrect to something that totally changes the meaning? Me again...
vatioo ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:16:58 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of netflix and chill.
Guess I would try to take on loki for the thore of god of deceiving later.
PM_me_awesome_stuff ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:17:02 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The god of remembering why you went into the kitchen in the first place.
go_ask_your_father ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:17:18 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Vacuuming! Please oh please can i have vacuuming?
SqueakersMcChip ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:17:41 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of Nat 20s. I'd get a huge nerd following that those boob-tastic steamers could only dream of.
tyroneking ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:17:47 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Reddit
AJockeysBallsack ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:18:18 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of "Oh god, I'll never drink again." My name would be Ralph, of course. And you'd better believe I'll hold those bastards to their promises.
"Hey Jerry, didn't that guy promise to donate $20 to charity if I stopped him from vomiting last night?"
"Yep."
*guy on Earth vomits uncontrollably*
Mockturne ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:18:19 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of Drunken Confidence, prayed to and called upon at the moment the words "Hold my beer" are said aloud.
SoreWristed ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:19:06 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The God of Accidental and Unnoticed Badassery.
Whenever noone is looking, your casually thrown piece of thrash will hit four different things,making comical 'ting' noises as it hits them, before landing squarely in the bin.
Whenever you drop your controller, you'll spin 90 degrees and noscope a dude 400 meters away.
Some 14 year old will be skating on his driveway when the ball his little brother is playing with rolls in front of his wheels. He'll try to jump over it and this will be the one and only time he does a kick flip.
You'll hear prayers to me whenever you just looked away. "Bro, did you see that?"
bugsroy ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:19:28 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I want to be the goddess of well maintained footwear.
"Thy boots have been thrice resoled. Make an offering at my alter lest they wear out again."
Bonestacker ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:19:34 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of Pizza Deliveries! I protect those deliervy boys who worship me and curse the others with robbers and shitty tips! Patrons of pizza who say my name as they open the box are rewarded with fast service and extra toppings! Bow before my Mundane control!!!!!!
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:19:56 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of super fast internet, guaranteed to have a stock increase in the near future
Sleepyscumbag ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:20:05 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The God of Condoms.
Bitch, you better start praying if you don't want to get fucked over later.
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:20:37 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The god of Reddit, I take the form of a notebook with every page filled with dickbutts and troll faces. Pray to me and I will plaster a dickbutt on the family member of your choosing... In permanent marker.
dfnkt ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:20:40 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of proper toilet paper roll placement, it goes over the top or you get smited.
tana-ryu ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:21:05 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)*
The goddess of lost and found. Lost your wallet, pacifier, shoes, phone, etc? I will help you find them. I do not however find socks lost in the washer, not my turf. I also don't find keys. Displease me and I will let you find what you were missing but only after you have replaced it.
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:21:50 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The god of left-handed scissors. Even lefties tend to give up on them and switch to the standard right-handed kind. So how much work could it be?
locks_are_paranoid ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:21:54 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of the road, may your journey always be free of traffic.
Themrchester ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:22:22 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)*
I am become Lesh, the god of feeding mid with courier.
iuseleinterwebz ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:22:58 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
"...and thou art now the God of Spreadsheets, and thy duty shall be to aid the engineers and accountants, yea. For thou art the chosen of number-crunchers..."
vayneonmymain ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:23:04 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Is there any other answer?
I am the God of Dank Memes
SparklingLimeade ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:24:18 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Deity of drink mixers, assistant to whoever is in charge of the actual alcohol.
One day I will flood the world with the most superior citrus fruit. Maybe literally.
Gromby ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:24:25 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Rush Hour Traffic - Pray to me and I shall control when you get to work, if you make your appointment on time, or if that truck driving incredibly slow will stay in your lane or switch lanes to allow you to pass
WORSHIP ME FOR I AM THE WAY OF THE TRAFFIC
Mistressofgoats ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:24:36 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The goddess of mediocre music.
Not awful,just not good. Like everything neon trees makes.
princesscesscesspool ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:25:39 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
steel reserve 40s
L4wrence ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:25:44 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of finding lost keys.
MermaidOnProzac ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:26:11 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)*
I am Sigh, Goddess of Queueing.
My name cannot be said - only sighed.
Elliol-liol ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:26:57 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Disappointment
DocOcarina ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:27:02 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Behold, for I am Justin, the Lord of lag.
If your faith is lacking, then a plague of lag shall be upon you. But if your devotion is true, then my wrath shall be upon thine enemies.
JustAFellowSummoner ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:27:19 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of Breathing
I pretty much win.
soulfuljuice ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:27:20 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Can I be the goddess of baking? It's the one thing I don't normally fuck up, except for that one time I dropped a cheesecake inside the oven.
UniverseBomb ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:27:51 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The Dark Lord of penny trays. Those who take without ever leaving well be smited with haste. Fuck those guys.
pockets881 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:28:50 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The god of finding $10 in your pants/jacket
lovesickremix ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:29:14 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Charging game console batteries...
The_Ethical_Pirate ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:29:25 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of satisfactory bowl bowl movements. "Well I'll be! Look at that consistency! That is a lovely shit you just took!"
humblepotatopeeler ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:29:40 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of Opening Doors - that are not already locked.
Riffler ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:29:41 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
In Small Gods, Terry Pratchett explains how Gods on the Discworld come into existence, through the spread of belief in a concept.
We already know there are atheists on the Discworld, from earlier in the series.
Therefore on the Discworld, there is a God of Atheists. That's the job I want. Full Godly powers and no responsibility, because as soon as anyone prays to me, they cease being my problem.
ShlubbyWhyYouDan ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:29:41 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
smooth bowel movements
Leopeepoo1 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:30:02 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I am the toilet paper god. Pray to me when you have already done business and just noticed an empty role next to you. I will make sure your assholes are clean.
dendawg ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:30:08 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of smiting trolls.
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:30:10 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
A little garden. I'll call it Eden.
Divernon ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:30:12 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I want to be the god that doesn't have anything better to do but wreak havoc whenever anyone spills salt and doesn't take the time to toss a pinch of it over their shoulder. There's gonna be hell to pay.
Benedikto_ ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:30:15 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of goose bumps. It's your lover's touch, a bead of sweat slowly making its way down your back, memories that come from a song from your childhood...
maskey87 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:30:17 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The god of stubbing your toe and saying 'fuck'. Every time you do so simply scream 'GOD-FUCKING-DAMMIT' to receive my everlasting blessing. Acceptable variants include 'aaaaah mother fucker', 'fucking fuck' and 'who put that fucking sofa there'.
keenly_disinterested ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:30:23 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of the final drip. Pay obeisance to me and banish forever the small, dark stain of shame...
mrdeadsniper ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:30:32 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Batteries. Appease me and you have a tv remote you haven't changed since purchase. Incur my wrath and you phone will be dead by lunch.
Nonplussest ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:30:37 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of Tindr,
And yea he did command thine crush to swipe right And yea she did with great prejudice.
delecti ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:30:37 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Calendars, like desk or wall calendars, with ambitions to eventually move up to a more broad time related deity status.
Gasrim ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:30:54 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I'd be the god of Target shopping cart cup holders. I'd be smiting people all day for not putting them back in the basket at Starbucks.
Orderlyroom ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:31:01 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of the Most Convenient Parking Spot.
ThereIsBearCum ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:31:06 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Clippy, the god of paperclips.
mecrosis ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:31:14 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of terrabit fiber internet. I'd be delivering that shit left and right to my believers. I'd be everyone's favorite god.
2_poor_4_Porsche ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:31:14 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I am your overlord of default printer settings and password resets.
Cower, mortals!
UrsaSteambottom ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:31:24 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The God of the Internet, I think this one has the best chance to move me up the ladder.
popstar249 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:31:54 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Taking naps. Definitely
lanzr ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:31:55 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Determining when the toilet paper runs out. Oh whats that, gonna take a massive dump? Well you're gonna do it without some TP, my friend.
Muahahahahaa?
Gaybritishteen ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:31:58 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The god of hiking.
I could walk anywhere and not get tired or famished
Gifididy ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:32:02 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Jacking off
frachris87 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:32:20 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The God of Bed Sheets and Comforters.
"I am kind to My children, and endeavour to grace their sleep with comfort and warmth. Should thine sheets grow rough and coarse, I shall soften their grasp. Should the nights grow dark and cold, I shall warm the blankets upon thy prone form. May thine sleep be calm and pleasant. Tempt not my anger by failing to clean thy bedding when it is needed, or I shall turn my gaze from thee, and thy sleep shall become frigid and restless."
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:32:23 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of Car-Handle-Static. Fear my slight shock! Fear it!!
near_starlet ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:32:26 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Managing social media/twitter. The world would get pretty epic on a tweet from Zeus or Hades
YOLOGabaGaba ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:32:34 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The God of Mapped network drives.
synaptiq ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:32:35 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Taking pleasant shits. The righteous shall find themselves clean on the first wipe!
BaricDonDondarrion ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:32:36 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Doing the dishes.
panaz ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:32:40 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The god of Mulligans.
Went to talk to a girl and fucked it up? Do a quick prayer and BAM back to where you were when you started. No one knows what happened in that last few minutes/whatever defined time.
nikodante ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:32:42 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I'd become the God of Answering AskReddit Questions.
GregPond ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:32:53 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Gregicus, the God of Soup and Stew: and lo, he desendith and said: don't give me that "I can't cook" crap! It's three steps and you can be hammered for at least two of them!
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:32:56 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I am the god of TITS AND WINE
ElLocoS ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:32:57 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I would be the god of PING. PRAISE ME OR YOUR PING WILL FOREVER BE HIGH!
-ogre- ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:33:04 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of loud alarm clocks
Amierra ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:33:06 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Goddess of Coffee. Pray to me bitches, pray as you suck down that glorious black caffeinated substance and perhaps I will grant you energy to get your day going. Or maybe I'll make you poop. Or, maybe, just maybe, I'll do both.
PersonOfDisinterest ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:33:11 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The god of picking out what we should do tonight.
justinkimball ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:33:19 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The god of searching for shit on the internet.
Pray to me -- so that I might reveal onto you the secrets of accurate search criteria.
johnyrobot ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:33:27 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Ill be the god who allows you to pass by sharp corners without stubbing your toe.
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:33:29 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Reddit.
Thank you peasants ;)
Crossfiyah ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:33:33 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of answering prayers related to sports teams winning games.
It's like being a divine meteorologist or an economist. You just do whatever and whether you succeed or fail you keep your job.
Neebat ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:33:34 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Hades Jr. - God of Software Bugs.
We're expanding the misery to the living. I cannot be bribed with donuts.
Dimanovic ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:33:35 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The God of Shaving.
I'd already have a cult following in /r/wicked_edge
skipperxc ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:33:37 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of sponges. A prayer to me before doing dishes will provide a clean, new sponge -- the most comforting start of a tedious chore.
NowWithMoreFreedom ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:33:42 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Simon the god of hairdos
Dalek_exterminate11 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:33:57 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of fandoms. Pray to me and your show will start a new season.
PotatoTheOdd ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:33:59 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of that moment when you ask a dude out and you're just praying "please be gay, please be gay". Friend of gay teenagers everywhere
Nilas_T ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:34:00 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Coffee. Millions of people starting the day with worship.
learningme ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:34:00 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Bluetooth and wireless technology
somedude2012 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:34:09 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Wasting Time.
Patron of Small children whose parents need to get out the door NOW, as well as the underemployed office worker who just needs to get through the day.
Poggystyle ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:34:12 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Traffic lights.
Questhook ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:34:26 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Relevant song.
gurbleflaxis ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:34:28 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of mechanical pencil graphite. Give your praise to me, or I shall withdraw my blessing of structural integrity from your writing instrument's refillable material.
Tsuyoi ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:34:30 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of masturbation.
I watch you as you masturbate. Pray to me or I shall give you rugburn.
Hey_Gus ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:34:37 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Cool and splatter-free toilet seats. A quick prayer to me will ensure an unoccupied, cool and fresh toilet seat when you have to shit in a public/shared restroom.
tglems ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:34:42 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
All hail me, the god of tying shoelaces!
Yuktobania ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:34:46 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of-- Ooooh sorry, this entry-level position requires at least two millenia of prior experience
superflippy ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:34:55 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I'd be the Goddess of Fingernails. They're small, but annoying when something goes wrong, and everybody has them. I'd get a lot of petitions, a lot of offerings, and possibly a lot of shrines & loyal followers in the world's nail salons.
This would enable me to move up to Goddess of Hands.
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:35:09 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I am DCETMOTEP! God/Goddess of Cell Phone Charging. I hoped the world together 5v at a time.
But only Android. iPhone charging is one of the dark arts.
MayContainPeanuts ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:35:34 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Internet connectivity.
Delta365 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:35:36 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God Of Vape. Need big clouds? I got you. Need the mind blowing flavor? You're set. Trouble rebuilding your RDA? Done. All hail the Vape Overlord!
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:35:40 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The god of choosing who gets common colds.
wander_colossi ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:35:55 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Zsus, god of the snooze button. Pray to me and I'll give you momentary peace, but you won't really be any more rested than before, and now you don't have time to work out like you intended and you might have to settle for toast instead of a real breakfast.
Etherius ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:35:56 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I'll be God of making bladder pangs go away so you can enjoy another ten minutes of sleep before getting out of the warm bed into the cold air.
OutSourcingJesus ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:35:58 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The God of Perfectly Timed Small Moments. (Serendipity ascended)
Having a bad day but find a $20 on the ground? You're welcome.
Make it to work and moments after you step under the awning it starts to pour? No problem.
Both partners cum at the same time? My blessings!
YurpinZehDurpin ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:36:03 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I am the god of shoelaces. Pray to me and be blessed with knots that never fail. Cross me and be cursed to get your shoelace stuck in an escalator.
Dont_Shred_On_Me ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:36:04 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
As a teacher, I would love to be the God of "having time left over at the end of class"
LordSarcastic ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:36:13 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Tech Support. My life would be hell.
TheCodyHope ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:36:16 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Spermies, the god of busting nuts
Elliarts ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:36:19 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The god of bus etiquette. Anybody that is taking up unnecessary space or smells like they haven't washed in a week is kicked right of the fucking bus.
pooltable ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:36:22 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Good bones and calcium.
aard_fi ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:36:23 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I'll offer to support koalemos (god of stupidity). He must be so busy that he'll welcome any help.
figgy_puddin ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:36:26 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I shall be... Agresivus, god of passive-aggression in the workplace and in personal relationships everywhere.
I will become mighty.
Arivien ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:36:30 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I want to be the God of that moment when you're walking towards someone, and you both try to get out of the way and end up in the way again.
bowserpun ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:36:53 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of Defecation When I am feeling benevolent you have the most bowel wonderful movements in the world. Otherwise.....
dbcanuck ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:36:54 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of Pumpkin Spice Lattes.
For one season a year, neither Adonis or Aphrodite nor Cupid wi have shit on me. I bring the girls yard.
Paratwa ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:37:06 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
CARGER!
God of Batteries!
PLS SEND BRIBES INSTEAD OF PRAYERZ. BRIBEZ = Prayer!
alexbuzzbee ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:37:14 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Computers. You now have to pray to me or else your computer won't work!
DFP_ ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:37:21 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of Latency,
Gamers would worship me and curse my name yes, but my biggest altars would come from the stock market. The traders would offer me everything, I'd suck in rich believers faster than Scientology.
DownvoteGargler ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:37:32 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I'm already pretty good at gas station cuisine. I often do wilderness landscape photography at night so there's nothing open for dinner on the way home except gas stations next to the interstate. Everybody sing with me - "cheese sticks, baked chips, nuts, and Coke - healthy road food is no joke!"
youngestone ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:37:42 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of things that look like spiders out of the corner of your eye but it was nothing, probably just lint.
SoL_DarkLord ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:37:46 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of Going to Work... Pray to me, and I'll make you happy enough to actually want to go to work, instead of laying in your bed all day.
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:38:09 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of lost pencil sharpeners, Patron protector of art students everywhere.
lispychicken ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:38:20 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
"God of cleaning the grime from under the cabinets along the floor of your kitchen"
You pray to me, and you never have to clean that area.
paddlepaws ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:38:22 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The god of Free Shipping.
May your orders always qualify, regardless of total cost, weight, or destination. May you always receive your products on time and undamaged. If you really appease me, I'll make sure your package gets there early and there will be a smiley drawn on the box.
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:38:35 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I would be the god of charlie horses.
willsyum ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:38:56 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Farts
poremetej ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:39:06 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of full WiFi signal. Puny humans tremble before my might.
Hard_Max ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:39:10 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I'll be the God of the perfect poo. Pray to me when there's almost no toilet paper left.
amaizeing_phd ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:39:16 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The Goddess of Why. All children will love me.
cliffhanger78 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:39:19 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I would be the god of pencil sharpening. You know all those times when your perfectly sharpened lead breaks in the sharpener? Yeah, either you pissed me off, or I'm messing with you for my own amusement
MissSuzyQ ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:39:36 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I'd be the Goddess of Good Hair Days.
snoopyh42 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:39:45 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Great. I'm the God of Keeping Toast Unburnt.
I'm not very good at my job.
IAmRedBeard ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:39:50 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
You know when your trying to get a nibble of slushy chopped Ice, in the bottom of the cup and instead get the whole pile in your face? I'd be the god of that. That, and Snow-cones.
wordserious ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:40:03 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I will be D'Ta'chr, the god of balls stuck to your thighs. Make me offers and I will make them spontaneously unstick. Ignore me and you will be forced to give that one long awkward side-step to get unstuck. If you displease me enough, more than one.
HappySlappyTime ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:40:04 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The god of sex.
Sedu ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:40:08 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Minor god of napping, "Demmet." I could spend my time practicing my godly sacrament, while hoovering up all the minor prayers to "God Demmet!" that people utter constantly.
DualPsiioniic ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:40:11 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of the random temperature your shower starts at every morning.
draxxis ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:40:15 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Pencil sharpening.
Jubajivin ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:40:30 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I want to be the god of car accidents. That way I could teach reckless drivers their folly through fender benders. Insurance companies would worship me zealously
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:40:39 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Makin sammitches. If there's one thing television taught me, it's "They all want sammitches."
cwf82 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:40:42 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of Bacon. I have been, and will be, worshipped forever.
Acetius ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:40:46 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of internet latency. Wait, that's the highest tier.
JediAmerican ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:41:02 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I am Porcelinifus... God of the toilets. All ye who hath too much drink must kneel before my throne so that I may cleanse your soul of intoxicants.
ChristopherCox__ ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:41:03 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Neith. Oh wait were not talking about smite?
KeatingOrRoark ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:41:04 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The god of Lighters. My worshippers are the gas station clerks who offer you a lighter when you purchase cigarettes. If I'm pissed off, I'll make sure you left your regular lighter at home so you have to buy one. Please me, and I'll make you remember which drawer you keep putting them in at home, or to look under your car seat to find the ones you've lost.
Pokemaniac_Ron ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:41:06 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Animal costumes.
MonkeyButlers ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:41:13 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of Unwisely Attempting to Catch the Knife You Just Dropped.
xDeAdFoXx ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:41:16 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The God of fresh coffee, regardless of it was brewed one hour or one day....hell even a week. Just pray to thee and it will be fresh as you brewed it.
roadwarder ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:41:24 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I'd be the god of making sure the grey bar in a youtube video is loaded enough at the beginning so that the red bar never catches up and causes the video to lag. Praise my name.
Unripe ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:41:29 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of instilling the various tastes of water, of which 'home-water' is invariably the only tolerable one.
Capn_Fappn ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:41:33 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of Nip Slips: when your pert nipple makes itself known, I will discretely revel in the sexual frisson, but not stare too overtly, lest it make you uncomfortable.
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:41:35 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I'll be the patron demon of programmers. I used to be one myself, after all.
PowerWordCoffee ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:41:36 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Winged eyeliner. Pray to me for even, fierce liner so sharp it cuts your enemies.
mastigia ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:41:37 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I would be the god of headphone wire tangles.
bigchoppa_bro ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:41:40 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The God of all self-touchers, I will ensure only one pump of the lube is needed for a good time.
Ryanthelegend ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:41:43 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Of Course, It would have to be the god of all potatoes.
role_or_roll ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:41:47 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of knots. Bow to me or have to tie your shoes every block!
DoomsdayDoctor ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:41:50 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Land, thus making me god of the world and other celestial bodies.
redlynz ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:41:52 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)*
Behold! For those I deem worthy and who shall heep praise upon my name. Tis I! Greg of the all green lights! Come unto my alter with offerings of coffee (cream, no sugar) and the collectors edition box set of Game of Thrones, that I may speed your passage to your destination. For I am a mighty God! Risk not my wrath or feel the pain of never ending Reds! Woah is he who takes my name in vain, that he may come into a long yellow that he is sure he can make, only to see a cop at the last moment who he just knows is going to pull him over. Is following me? Is he? Yes he is, for I have sent my minion among you to dispense unequal justice coupled with inherint structural racism.
Dr_King_Wolf ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:41:58 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The god of coupons. Send youre coupon related prayers to my inbox and ill see what i can do.
Masked_Tarrant ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:42:16 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Masked_Tarrant: Lord of bowel movements.
Should you be in my favor, your transactions with the porcelain throne shall be satisfying and sure, your wipes would be efficient and your flushes mighty.
Should you cross me...
Ditto8353 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:42:27 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The God of svchost processes. I demand sacrifice of your first purchased RAM stick.
athrowaweighaccount ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:42:28 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of Athiesm...or Irony
libgeek ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:42:29 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I am the darkness that makes missed call and text notifications disappear even though your phone was on the whole time and you totally got Jessica's text literally a minute before that.
libgeek ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:44:47 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Also, I'm holding auditions for a twin who will cause my victims' friends to never really believe that they didn't just ignore the text.
Joelerific ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:42:30 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The god of the one wipe wonder!
Keep me content and you will need but one ply of toilet paper!
Rogue_3 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:42:37 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of Parking. I would smite so many assholes!
sun_worth ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:42:45 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of high-pitched-noises-that-only-your-cats-can-hear-that-drive-them-crazy. I lurk in inkjet printers, laundry room cabinets, and other suspect locations.
Enjoyer_of_Cake ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:42:48 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I guess I'll become the god of cakes. Any newly single lady will go to me before anything else. Also, most people will pay me a yearly tribute with a candlelight sigil.
yoman632 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:42:56 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Making sure that a tree noise is recorded as it falls in a forest when none is around.
meowmaster ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:42:58 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Getting shwifty.
fontain06 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:42:59 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of biscuits, or possibly the God of bad hair do's
Mst3kjedi ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:43:11 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
USB drives. Unto my faithful I do bestow the blessing of always putting it right side up the first time. Blasphemers shall never again be able to insert their USB drives, no matter how many times they flip it.
pickleboo ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:43:18 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I shall be the goddess of appointment scheduling. If your praises please me, you will be able to schedule your appointments at times that are perfect for your calendar, and you will arrive on time. If you anger me, the only available opening for the next seven months will be the same time as that extremely important thing at work that you cannot miss. Or maybe you will have an insane amount of problems trying to get to your appointment. Sleep late, car won't start, stuck in traffic, sudden Diarrhea. I can be very unkind. Coffee and good books appease my ire.
WheezyLiam ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:43:40 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of checking the fridge multiple times even though you didn't find anything good the first time around.
nick2ny ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:43:40 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I'd like to be the god of climbing accidents, but I'd be unbelievably lenient.
guiltypleasures ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:43:40 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Coinflips.
n0ss3 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:43:42 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Diego Armando Maradona god of football
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:43:43 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I will be the god of "inserting the usb connection on the first try"
usernumberfive ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:43:50 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of saving files before your computer freezes
StickmanSham ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:43:54 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The God of alt+tab. I get to decide which workers deserve to be punished for slacking on the job.
WhoTheHellKnows ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:43:56 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I shall be the porcelain god, and you will all pray to me.
learning_to_fly5193 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:43:58 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Goddess of viral content.
I work in digital marketing and the ability to decide which things get stupidly popular would be great.
islandvape ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:44:02 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I would be the god of the last .25cents of gas you pre-pay for.
I could speed that up from the year that it usually takes.
eldeeder ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:44:22 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of the "no need to wipe poop" it's a better feeling than your birthday.
KevtheKukumber ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:44:22 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The God of taking the first good shit of the day. I am a kind and generous god.
Eben_MSY ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:44:23 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Window Cleaning
dream6601 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:44:24 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Shit, I'll have to change my name, there's already a Goddess Diana, that could get confusing...
I apparently according to my friends I'm the Goddess of Keywords, crafter of the perfect google search.
MongrelManners ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:44:40 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Buttons. Both kinds.
opsomath ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:44:44 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Traffic lights. So many late people praying the light doesn't change before they reach it...
Paterack ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:44:49 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Popsicles, God of flavored ice. I'm pretty much nonexistent during the winter months.
drclairefraser ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:44:58 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I would be Anxietia, Goddess of Worrying Too Much About Everything. If you begin to worry, pray to me and I'll shall erase the anxiety for you. Acceptable devotions would be chocolate and a warm blanket.
eat_ham_fast_gravy ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:44:59 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I am Gravos! The god of all Gravy and succulent meat juices!
Vexxinic ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:45:01 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The god of electrical cords. Pray to me and you will never need to buy a new phone charger again. Tangled cords? No problem.
sdlite ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:45:02 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Parking lots. I would punish people who wait for spaces and people who walk in the middles of the lots. Those I deemed worthy would always have the space they want.
Anathe ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:45:23 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Latency. Ordinary and mundane, sure, but we'll see who dares invoke my wrath.
JestaKilla ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:45:26 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Boners.
SexistFlyingPig ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:45:28 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of violating traffic laws when nobody is around.
2 in the morning? look left, right, no cars to be seen? Go through that red light, but you'd better praise me or you're busted!
damourax ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:45:40 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The god of paper ball basketball. If you know the right prayer you'll hit them everytime
rken3824 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:45:41 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of bathroom reading material. If you are in my blessing, you will have full bars and 100% battery. Anger me and there won't be a shampoo bottle or any graffiti!!! MUAHAHAHAHA!!!
dsadnick ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:45:42 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
It would have to be either large shits, or child birth. Everyone yells help me god in those times, I would become a mega hit and soon be promoted to muddle management.
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:45:43 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
if you pray to me mid-poo, a toilet roll will appear outside your bathroom door. i only demand full use of your pantry
gene1113 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:45:43 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I'd like to be the Goddess of Chocolate and ice cream. Piss me off and it's cheap waxy chocolate and freezer burned bad ice cream. Please me and it's good premium chocolate and creamy lovely ice cream.
AerasGale ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:45:51 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
minor deity of procrastination...pray to me, i'll grant your requests.....tomorrow...
LandOfSticks ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:45:56 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Office supplies.
YoungCubSaysWoof ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:45:59 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I want to be the god of sweet, merciful bathroom breaks.
Whether it is your first poop in three days, or you FINALLY found a rest stop to use the bathroom at, I will always know that the sighs of reliefs and the, "Oh, thank god!!" will be said with true sincerity. And isn't that appreciation all that a divine being is asking for?
cat_friend ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:46:24 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The Godess of "Oh Yeah" -- I come to you in your most dire conundrums, when you are most perplexed, "Is this a dream or real life," You ask. I come to you just as you close the door and walk away, and right at that moment, the moment the spark has faded, where you've given up all hope of ever recovering, I pounce! You've made it six, maybe seven, steps away and a sudden rush of understanding fills your every cell. You become infinitely more self aware and as soon as the morbid thought of throwing in the towel and becoming a quitter fades as you whirl around to face your foe. There he stands, groaning in silent self reflection. He stands as an edifice to every encounter you've walked away from before. The stone faced lord of the feast makes no apology, takes no sides, simply staring at you, waiting for you to make a mistake. Today is different, today you have me! The Goddess of "Oh Yeah!". Today I gave you back what you have lost, I return to you that precious understanding. Today I remind you it was the Gogurt you wanted, and set you on your merry way. Slurp.
booszhius ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:46:25 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Janitors.
QuadrupleMint ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:46:26 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Tits and wine, of course.
vengeance_pigeon ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:46:34 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Sneaking out early.
Fresh_AM ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:46:50 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Weeeed
Fat_Guy_Podocalypse ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:46:51 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I would be the god of traffic lights. They will immediately sing my praises as I allow them to enter through the eternal light of green... Those who anger me will be swiftly punished with my mighty glowing red fist of justice as I pluck minutes from their unworthy lives.
riotoustripod ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:46:52 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of Schadenfreude.
Having a bad day? I won't actually make things any better, but I'll make sure you know that somewhere, some asshole has it worse than you.
mixbizarre ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:47:06 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of the Empty Toilet Roll. Pray me and you might find an emergency toilet roll at arm's length.
PaleFlyer ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:47:23 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
GOD OF BACON!
deathbymoshpit ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:47:33 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I am the god of Jiggly Butts....Call me TWERKULES!
k00laid_demo_inc ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:47:36 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I will be the god of idiots fighting this, pray to the great Kool-aid man and if I decide to answer your prayers you will successfully go through whatever inanimate object has garnered your displeasure!
cecinestpasreddit ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:47:40 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I am the god of Intermittent Anxiety.
Remember that time you said something stupid in Elementary School?
I Do
temporary_socks ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:47:48 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of replacing the soap bar before it runs out. To hell with your tiny soaplets!
FelyneSharpshooter ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:47:56 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The god of cell signal dropping at the most inopportune times.
I'm an asshole.
greedcrow ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:47:58 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of comicbook reading. God of procrastination.
Lord_Blackthorn ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:48:04 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Prayer Accounting.
Then when a few go missing here or there.... who is to notice... ;]
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:48:12 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The god of wet dreams, and waking up in a good mood. The two are not completely unrelated.
johnfbw ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:48:14 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Reddit
Nightkind ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:48:21 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Mighty Twerkules, the lord of jiggly butts.
xast ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:48:21 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of the fast lane, I will strike down those who violate its traditions.
Lavalamb ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:48:26 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Behold, I am LavaLamb, God of movies that you watch on Netflix thinking they might be ok that turn out to be quite good.
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:48:34 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I haven't decided on a title yet, but I call being God of tripping and nearly falling over nothing while on level ground.
E: feel free to make name suggestions.
judge_me_gently ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:48:44 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Coffee! The necter of the gods!
masterloki000 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:48:45 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of pulling out. Upsetting me would be a bad idea and may result in pregnancy.
matsiinthecity ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:48:53 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I'll be the god of texting "txt awA UR sins #LoL"
alphafishmitten ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:48:53 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Vending machines.... not just the snack ones but of all the coin/bill insert entertainment devices.
agentworm ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:48:56 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I'd be the God of Washing Dishes. You'd have to complete the ritual of organizing to wash correctly, stacking, drying, and putting away. Dish washer or by hand, but the by-handers get special blessings.
Fail to do so and I'll make sure you drop your dinnerware to anger the twin sisters God of Sweeping and Mopping.
hobbeswasright_ ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:48:57 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of bedhead. Keep the faith and I will ensure you wake up sleepy eyed but well coiffed.
krazeekatt ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:49:00 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Farts. "Oh my God!" graceful nod You're quite welcome.
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:49:02 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I answer emails.
By answer I mean I copy-paste pre-written responses.
Zolcoff ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:49:06 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The god of driving. Sacrifice to me and i will ensure that slow ass driver has an "accident". Pray to me and you wil never have a bad day of driving
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:49:06 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Cheeseburgers
sambalaya ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:49:19 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I am the God of File Saves.
Program crashed?
Beseech my benevolence and, miraculously, there is a blessed save file from moments before the agents of digital cataclysm struck.
File corrupted?
Invoke my name, reload and, lo, the virginal file is no longer defiled by the vile spirits of entropy.
File deleted?
Chant the litany of retrieval and my holy emissaries delve deep into the netherworld of your hard drive, brave the forgotten sectors of old and return with the sought data.
Blessed be he who saves.
CarbonCreed ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:49:28 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of seasonal menu items.
I will be unstoppable.
leapyearmanchild96 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:49:35 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The toilet God, I protect your anus from splash back when you're taking a shit.
BreakfastTomcat ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:49:41 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I would definitely be the god of camping trip preparations. No real twist or idea behind it, it's just kind of my thing to really make sure I have all the lighters, flashlights, trash bags, first aid stuffs and whatnot when I need them. I think my friends are kind of torn between making fun of me and relying on me bringing the equipment.
justthisgreatguy ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:49:41 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Biscuits. And I shall be called Jeff
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:49:44 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
the peach fuzz hair on the left half of your right pinky toe. I'd never have to do shit! I'd would just have fun being immortal and using my god powers to fuck with people
PandaEatsRage ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:49:49 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of "Finding that item you lost while you're heading out the door." I would be a lesser God but worshiped and praised with offerings on par with the greater Gods.
JayGetsHazy ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:49:56 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of accidental side-boob slip
You are welcome, ye mortals
WilliamTheGnome ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:50:04 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
No one said,
I am the God of Tits and Wine????
Tornadhoe ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:50:05 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of pens. That cute girl just gave you her number, but you're an asshole who already has a girlfriend? Lolnope. Not a single pen will work for you.
sn0r ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:50:07 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The god of badly rolled spliffs and blunts:
BreakfastBros ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:50:13 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
You would pray to me to decide where to eat dinner
TheYeerkEmperor ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:50:13 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of plumbing. Sacrifice in my name, or sacrifice to my brother, god of plungers. Mortals will fear me.
puppiesgoesrawr ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:50:17 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of remembering all the embarrassing things you did 10 years ago right before you fall asleep.
SingularBread ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:50:18 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The walk of shame.
smpl187 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:50:21 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I feel like this Modest Mouse song is a fair answer.
"We'll keep you in the back Polishing halos, baking manna and gas Well some guy comes in looking a bit like everyone I ever seen He moves just like Crisco disco Breath a hundred percent Listerine He says looking at something else But directing everything to me Every time anyone gets on their knees to pray Well it makes my telephone ring And I'll be damned" -styrofoam boots
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:50:24 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of Remembering Silly Things. Like that time the cat was cleaning itself and it's tongue got stuck out for 20 minutes. Or when you saw that old lady teaching some kids how to jump off a swing.
ixlHD ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:50:25 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of traffic lights, you will always pass through them straight away whilst never being in danger, don't know how but don't question me, the God of traffic lights.
bigmanlythreesome ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:50:26 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I'm more of a prankster god. I WILL BE THE GOD OF NEVER GETTING THE USB IN CORRECTLY THE FIRST TWO TIMES!
Altalus ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:50:29 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Internet browsing... >:)
Snizza ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:50:39 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I would be the God of whenever you're holding a fart in and it kinda dissipates. I would get so much praise on dates
Poolboy24 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:50:39 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I would be the god of the frontpage. Give me a decent offering and I'll ensure you get a fresh batch of links to peruse.
JCelsius ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:50:40 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Fresh mowed grass.
Millions of people paying homage to me every 7-10 days from spring until early autumn. I can did on that.
MrMagoo22 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:50:40 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of bringing coffee to all the other gods.
dreadwing ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:50:48 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Butterrolls, who would question me
Speech500 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:51:15 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I'm hired as Satan's assistant, or at my formal title, CEO of EA
pope1701 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:51:17 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Yawns. If the people don't worship me, I will keep them in their yawn.
Kaze47 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:51:17 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Reddit
Murgie ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:51:19 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Hrmmm... I figure I'll go with electromagnetic force.
You know, nothing major, really only good for party tricks with magnets as far as folks as old as the gods are concerned, right?
TheGurw ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:51:39 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of alarm clocks. No, I can't change the time so you won't be late for work, but I can make the alarm louder.
vulpix420 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:51:40 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Latte art. You think that swan in your coffee is pretty impressive, until you realise that pouring milk from a jug is actually not a very generalisable skill...
ih8karma ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:51:41 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of mamograms.
Pm_me_what ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:51:41 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Showers...people are at their "realest" while in the shower.
TheYearOfThe_Rat ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:51:54 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Indoor toilets.
Oh_Stylooo ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:52:00 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I would be the god of remembering the chorus of that song you can't remember the name of. I'd assist those who have the idea on the top of their tongue.
But you must sacrifice one pop idol to me every 10 years. They don't have to die, just their careers.
ReservoirKat ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:52:00 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Goddess of the little bit of pink tummy that peaks through the fur on chubby cat/dog bellies when they want tummy rubs. Or Goddess of cats who actually want real tummy rubs instead of two tummy rubs exactly before they bite the shit out of you.
DanishHSplaya ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:52:06 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Videogames, I WILL PREVAIL
Ruskaya ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:52:17 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I'd be somewhere under Aphrodite as the goddess of the condom. If you are good you will find a condom when you need one. If you are bad you won't. If you are very bad, a condom will be granted and broken... Bow before me.
eloy0612 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:52:21 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The god of orgasms. If you've been mean to people all day then you don't deserve a good one. If you had a crappy day and you've been good then you deserve the ultimate maximum orgasm.
babylina ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:52:21 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
the goddess of lighters. or pot.
FloppY_ ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:52:23 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Tits and wine.
Sotwob ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:52:29 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I'll be the god of Youtube ads, so I might smite mine enemies with unskippable 30-second ads.
AaronKClark ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:52:44 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I would be the god of making sure the kids close the refrigerator door.
internet_observer ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:52:45 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of downhill skiing.
mushnu ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:52:52 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
the god of wireless reception in a remote area. Pray to me, and perhaps that google map will load so you know you missed that interstate a couple of miles ago.
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:53:09 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Finding objects you "just had right here" or "had in you hand a minute ago" or "put down in the table."
CreamyGoodnss ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:53:12 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I am Matt, god of sunglasses. I am hard to please and thall shalt lose or break one pair of cheap sunglasses per week as is my will.
nametemplate ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:53:14 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of remedial underwater basketweaving
evstahl ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:53:15 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Parking.
crystalblue99 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:53:16 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I would be Sweet Jeebus, God of Orgasms.
itsonlythreeyears ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:53:19 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Sweeping. It's one of the two, true solitary workforce tasks, no one bothers you for fear of being passed the broom. Not to mention if Zeus shines some light just right, the floors of this pantheon will look clean enough to be a hearty reward.
SomedaySeattle ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:53:28 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of paper cuts. Bow to me.
CmosNeverlast ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:53:31 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I want to imagine a situation in which all the other gods don't realize how important the internet is, and I ask to be God of the Internet. I'm thinking they'd all be in the big conference room on Mt. Olympus looking over my application...
"It says Internet, what the fuck does that mean?"
"Oh, well the humans have these boxes they keep on tables, and these little rectangles in their pockets. And these boxes and rectangles talk to each other, using this thing called the internet."
"He wants to be god of boxes and rectangles talking to each other....? Fuck it, application approved"
Datadog3 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:53:35 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The God of 4/20!...............I can puff a thousand hits of THE most powerful weed known to man.....it only makes me stronger:)
byttle ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:53:36 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Pro-Wrestling. then i beat up john cena and revoke his god-hood.
Pachinginator ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:53:36 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The god of "Education"?
I'd educate the world on how the other gods are phonies. Everyone would stop believing in them, and they'd lose all their power. Yeah, I'd lose mine too, but at that point I'd become something far more powerful: A School District Superintendent.
Zeus would become a measly principal, confined to a lowly elementary school. MUAHHAHAHAHAHAHAA
jeexbit ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:53:37 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Timely pizza delivery.
madogvelkor ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:53:47 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Petty Annoyances. Sacrifice to me in order to have a less annoying day.
learethak ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:53:48 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Grippus - God of traction.
I have been waiting years to share that...
Flanchester ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:53:51 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I'd be the god of battery life, pray well to last long ( อกยฐ อส อกยฐ)
MooseMalloy ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:53:57 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The Eventually All-Seeing, All-Knowing God of Could You Please Say That Again... I Didn't Catch It The First Time.
poopchow ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:54:00 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
itchy buttholes. if you pray to me i may let your asshole be itch-free
sirburpcelot ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:54:02 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of that awkward bro fist/ high five pray to me and avoid all of these dont and you shall suffer endless awkward hand shakes
Blaximus2003 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:54:08 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Blaximus, the god of picking the fastest line at the grocery storeโฆeverytime.
NotoriouslyTiny ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:54:13 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I'd be the god of making celebrities shart during interviews. The key is not to over do it. Do it once in a while and people will become desperate for the shart and will pray for the shart to occur.
Zarokima ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:54:13 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I want to be the god of those farts that you're not sure about.
"Is it actually a fart, or do I have to poo a little? Will this one be silent or a trumpet? Please, not-really-that-almighty Zarokima, direct my bowels."
kesa_maiasa ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:54:16 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of Accounting. Worship me, or I will ensure that every trial balance be off, and every PBC document not foot.
hydraink ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:54:16 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The god of tits and wine.
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:54:17 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
i would be the god of traffic. i see myself as an omnipotent god who just sits back watching people cursing at each other during rush hour and i would save kids and kittens from time to time. you know so the plebz keep knowing who the one true god is.
8bitmaster ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:54:19 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The god of physical labor. Whenever you cut yourself on a piece of wood, its a blood sacrifice to me!
ThatOneKid1995 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:54:22 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Call centers. Because having worked in them in multiple roles, sometimes it feels like those who are there are lost to the divine
cocaineandcigarettes ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:54:32 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I would be the Goddess of Things That Get Stuck in Drawers.
GNU Terry Pratchett.
HaywoodJablomie ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:54:39 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of plastic shell packaging. I wreak terror on all those who buy Ti83 calculators and air horns.
McWeaksauce91 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:54:46 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Bartender. I think it'd be super sweet to sit in the pantheon making cocktails for all the gods!
jcooli09 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:54:47 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Grilled cheese sandwiches. My kids think I make gods own grilled cheese.
qwertonomics ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:54:48 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Someone needs to help Venus with her prosthetic arms I guess.
thatmorrowguy ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:54:57 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I'd go for the god of Autocorrect. Pray to me or you'll be cursed by your phone always replacing words with the most awkward substitution possible. Me and my good buddy the Goddess of the Drunken Text will wreak havoc across the world if we're not appeased.
carl2k1 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:55:03 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I want to be the God of Gambling. Pray to me so you can win the lottery.
PianoMastR64 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:55:06 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Pray to me before a piano performance, and I will ensure minor mistakes sound right.
ClashmanTheDupe ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:55:07 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The God of people telling you to do something while you're already doing it.
Stimperonovitch ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:55:09 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Silverware.
ccbeastman ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:55:11 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
JUGGLING AND PORK CHOP SANDWICHES.
jesuisravie ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:55:17 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of Doors. If you don't pray to me you'll always push when it should be pulled, and pull when it should be pushed.
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:55:24 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I would be the goddess of good parking. Worshippers would have a tiny effigy of me on their dashboard, and placing a quarter in my hands would bless them with primo parking.
blewisCU ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:55:27 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The God of Mis-filed FAFSA Forms
Trodamus ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:55:32 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Littering and profanity.
Any time someone drops trash on the ground, it's a sacrificial act in my name; swears become tiny prayers that dedicates every act, from "doing the fucking laundry" to "driving to work with these assholes" to "oh fuck that feels good", to me.
Hand dryers in public restrooms with profanity etched into the nameplate, especially those that have the base text altered to be rude or profane, are my altars.
Gryat ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:55:36 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Netflix & Chill.
wonderhawk06 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:55:41 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Loot rolls
moonlight_ricotta ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:55:42 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Mozzarella Sticks
Neo_Quester ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:55:43 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I'd be god over RNG, I'd be praised by and cursed at by speedrunners
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:55:49 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Traffic lights. Now you have someone to blame for hitting every red on the way to work
Gigglepops1 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:55:52 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Simon the god of hair-dos
Theseguy0309 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:56:04 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Posident, God of tap water and Toothpaste.
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:56:09 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Dankness.
CaptAwesomeness ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:56:12 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of nude female selfies. I get to choose which ones i see upclose.
moose_fish ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:56:21 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of those really hard to push out poos - the kind you sort of have to wiggle around, rock back and forth, straighten up, slouch down and sacrifice yet another 5 minute block to me in order to release the turd.
LadySmuag ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:56:22 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Unsent messages.
You know, the text message that doesn't seem to go through for some aggravating reason and then the intended recipient messages you back 3 hours later asking why you texted her the same thing 7 times.
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:56:24 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The Guardian of the Heavenly Peach Garden.
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:56:34 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of front desk security. I don't do shit
theboyd1986 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:56:37 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The God of sex. If power is gained through prayer, just how many people must be shouting "oh god!" while fucking? Unlimited power!!!
krispness ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:56:39 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The god of coin flips. I'll totally fuck with people who don't respect my power.
Wild_Garlic ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:56:46 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I would be the God of Traffic Light synchronization. I would boon those with fast commutes and smite those with left arrows that never turn green.
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:56:49 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of Making sure the microwave fully cooks your food.
fortnerd ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:56:51 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Call centers. I would grant low waiting queues, good QA scores and I'd cause the angry asshole callers to step on a lego brick.
Either this or something really hippie, like, helping seeds to sprout.
ximacx74 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:56:52 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Snuggling. I really love a good snuggle.
Samuelcolt ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:57:11 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Sucking cock
Sevenlore ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:57:17 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Taco quality assurance
Kpayne78 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:57:18 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The god of Fist Bumps and High Fives!
Ser_BellyFarts ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:57:26 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I am the God of farts. More precisely, I make them silent or loud, smelly or not, as you request. The price to pay varies with the intensity of the task, but is usually paid in stains, tire marks, sharts, every culture has a different word for it (we call them break marks where I'm from).
And they may appear hours or even days later, at locations you would have never dreamed of (bedsheets, pair of socks, carpet), so call upon me wisely!
serke ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:57:31 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Umbrellas.
If you please me, you'll always have one, or find one when you need it. If you displease me, any umbrella you own will pop inside-out at the slightest breeze and the ribs will never stay in their tips.
R1kjames ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:57:33 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of traffic. Pray to me to shorten your commute and lengthen those of your enemies!
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:57:33 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
[deleted]
SMURGwastaken ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:59:35 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Pretty sure a catheter is for getting urine out of the bladder... what you're describing is a cannula?
HaniiPuppy ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:57:39 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I will be god of gaslighting. I'll move the property of people who don't believe in the pantheon by a couple of cm every time they turn their head.
nirach ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:57:40 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The god of "Fuck it."
Pray to me and, if I don't say "Fuck it." to your request, may enable you to pass on whatever it is with the utterance of "Fuck it.".
Tzukiyomi ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:57:50 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Cellular metabolism. The havoc you could cause...
freef ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:57:54 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Traffic lights. Running late to work? Feel my wrath as you hit every red light and your left turn arrow gets skipped! MWAHAHAHAHA!
aids_demonlord ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:57:58 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of orgasms. You'll pray to me, from masturbation to bukakke, everybody needs me to.....finish.
CigarLover ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:57:58 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Good of vending machines.
If your monetary sacrifice of worth, you'll be rewarded.
poopsoupwithcroup ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:58:06 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The God of You Won't Be Upset By Other Transportation Users
Driving? Pray to me. You won't get upset at the other drivers who cut you off, don't let you in, and don't engage in appropriate blinking. Cyclists who stop at a red light and then go won't send you to a jealous self-righteous rage. Pedestrians who are jaywalking -- you'll naturally smile and wave them across.
Cycling? Perfect! The drivers who should see you but act like they don't won't phase you. The pedestrians who step into the crosswalk from some strange angle without looking -- ha! The city bus giving you the squeeze; you'll wave.
Walking? Excellent. Other peds won't irritate you the way they cut you off, walk too slow, walk too closely, walk too loudly, or heaven forbid, roll. Motorists who make a right on red right in your "Walk" crosswalk will make you smirk like an 80s television show intro. Cyclists whooshing by too close? You'll be amazed, not irate.
Mass transit? Sweet. That lady's stink won't bug you, and that dude's hand -- well, sorry, I can't make crowded space molestation pleasant. Still, the upshot is you won't be irritated by the sudden start and stop, you won't be frustrated by the bus arriving 12 minutes late or 2 minutes early, and you won't be bothered by the person who insists on getting on the trolley before you, then spends tens of seconds finding correct change.
Yip. Praying to me won't make using transit safer, easier, or otherwise better. Annoying shit will still happen to you. But, pray well, and you won't be bothered by the trivial shit that bugs the hell out of everyone else. And really, that's pretty fucking great.
shodan13 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:58:12 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
This is some top shelf material for Nobilis characters.
s0a7 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:58:22 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The God of Cut Grass. Gaze upon my evenly diamond-cut lawn. I even smell of freshly cut grass. Since that smell is actually the grass crying out in fear, I'm technically the Grassy God of War.
Enforcer84 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:58:23 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of Software updates.
That shit is secure now. Piss me off and you're stuck using and unpatched death trap.
swim12 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:58:32 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I am the god of finding the charging port for your phone in the dark.
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:58:38 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I AM RNG, THE GOD OF RANDOM NUMBERS! BOW BEFORE ME LEST I GET RNGRY
bobrocks ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:58:52 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I am BOB, The god of making sure your shoelaces don't get too tight or too loose and keeping the tongue of your shoe from going inside the shoe when you are putting it on.
limbodog ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:59:03 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of common colds and flus. You leave little gifts outside your house for me to agree to pass by without stopping where you live.
TheEternalWoodchuck ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:59:15 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
It's already been agreed upon amongst my group of friends. I am the mighty and imposing God of Pedantry.
When there is a need to be specifically correct or not let small details about certain subjects my presence is guaranteed. My power is limitless and my reach eternal. I truly am a God of God's.
skrupa15 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:59:16 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The god of highway driving etiquette. Going 10 below the speed limit in the left lane? Semi decides to pass another semi just as they are about to go up a hill? Prepare to be smote.
staiano ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:59:16 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of browser history and cache clearing.
KinkyBurrito ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:02:33 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
That hardly sounds like an entry-level position... that's right up there with Zeus, Poseidon and Hades... you don't mess around with that stuff man...
sevinhand ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:59:19 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
those missing dryer socks.
GuitarGodGavin ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:59:31 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
As my name suggests, I will be the God of Guitars!
TheD_ ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:59:31 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The God of rush hour traffic. I don't wanna be the god of transportation - too much responsibility, but fuck with me, and its an extra 15 minutes each way. Pray to me and you somehow get green lights only on your commute.
carlofsweden ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:59:33 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
god of bedsheets.
pray to carl and your bedsheets will be straight and comfortable. everyday will feel like new-sheets day!
Shiny-And-New ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:59:33 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of pot, pots, and potholes
Ctrlplay ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:59:40 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of Procrastination
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:59:44 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I'd become "Fuck's Sake" the God of Minor Inconveniences
probablyhrenrai ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:59:48 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of the remembrance and forgetting of that thing you were about to say. Holy shit would that be fun; I could make you feel like an idiot and really frustrate you, or I could make you feel like you're on you're A game.
fenix_nigger ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:59:54 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of deciding whether or not that girl will fuck you.
ScrodoSaggins69 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:59:57 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The god of rent collection wouldn't be that bad. Land lords need repentance anyways
fenix_nigger ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:00:14 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of deciding whether or not that girl will let you put it in her pooper.
n0remack ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:00:21 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Prayer's Payable/Recievables
Processesing, Assessing, Screening, Calling for interviews...
c2k1 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:00:29 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The Goddess of being able/not being able to insert a USB cable right way up first time.
I am a fickle deity.
matiasgee ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:00:32 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
So you want us to become the American (lesser) Gods? The old ones aren't gonna be happy!
Tahoeclown ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:00:38 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Driving. Bad drivers shall know my wrath! Punishment will be swift, but rewards plenty
FREE-MUSTACHE-RIDES ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:00:43 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The God of.............................................................................................................................Buffering
fenix_nigger ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:00:44 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of rape.
takecaretakecare ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:00:49 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I'd like to be the God of frivolous lawsuits, and collect a cosmic percentage anyone prayed to me then won their case.
xtlou ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:00:55 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I am Flotsam, the Goddess of the Junk Drawer. I don't work for any of the Gods but I've been contracted via St Anthony's temp agency.
Smite me and your finger webbing shall discover an errant corn cob skewer while rummaging in search of the neighbor's spare key, you'll never have the correct size battery, and the spare cables for your devices will always be intertwined.
Praise will always yield the exact delivery menu you're looking for, the perfectly sized rubber band for your task, and the drawer will always open and close without being hindered by contents.
TheLaugh ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:00:57 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of Remembering your House Key Before You Leave the House
fenix_nigger ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:00:57 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of black fathers.
chutupandtakemykarma ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:00:59 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Pencils. Imagine the inconvenience I could cause.
lastofnine ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:01:02 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I will be the god of rage quits, sippy cups, flashlights being called torches and not flashlights, asymmetrical scabbing, a lists of things that really don't fall into any logical pattern.
Ascphinctersayswhat ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:01:05 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Weed
TheVegetaMonologues ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:01:11 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The god of staircase wit.
As long as you please me by remaining ruthless with your comebacks, you'll never be at a loss for one.
fenix_nigger ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:01:18 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of periods/menstruation.
fenix_nigger ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:01:23 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of squirting
thr0aty0gurt ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:01:24 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Being lazy.
TheEvilStapler ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:01:26 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of tits and wine. There is no better glory
FranktheDachshund ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:01:28 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The god of the stone cold cherry. No matter how much butane powered flame you force into it, the roach will not light. Pray to me and that 1/4 inch ball of inflammability will finally glow red.
fenix_nigger ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:01:29 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of fisting
redyellowand ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:01:33 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Goddess and Guardian of Puppies
show-me_the-evidence ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:01:34 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I am Damnit, god of exact change.
Pray to me at parking meters/lots that don't accept cards/after long lines at convenience stores/etc.
Stinkysnarly ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:01:36 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I shall be the Goddess that determines whether or not your bobbin thread will run out before you finish that seam.
fenix_nigger ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:01:40 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of BDSM
WSU_John ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:01:40 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Based god. Duh?
fenix_nigger ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:01:51 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of sex slaves
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:01:56 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The Porcelain God- Pray to me and I just may forgive you for a night of bad decisions, or the day of eating Taco Bell.
shemnon ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:01:57 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of TPS Report Cover Sheets. Next stop, God of the Underworld.
monoaction ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:02:00 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The God of Spotty WiFi Connection When You're On The Toilet.
EireOfTheNorth ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:02:07 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Cutlery.
I would be a merciless God. Price for not praying to me? Your spoons melt when liquid touches them. Your forks are suddenly made of feeble, bendy rubber. You're knife edge becomes so thick it struggles to even cut through butter. Your plate disappears, your bowls all become colanders. Eating becomes hell.
Sonendo ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:02:13 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of the One Wipe.
fenix_nigger ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:02:18 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of that cute, submissive girl I have a crush on.
bubbletrollbutt ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:02:21 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The goddess of crochet!
edavid21 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:02:25 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Whether tossed items make it into their respective receptacles.
fenix_nigger ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:02:27 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of needing to pee.
sonicdm ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:02:28 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I am the god of walking into a room just to forget why you went in there.
Miv333 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:02:38 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Mortals.
chofrahkah ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:02:40 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The God of sex and barter. Not love, just sex.
ludgarthewarwolf ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:02:41 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The god of cock-blocking. I'm apparently so bad at it, my friends have a code word to let me know when I'm doing it.
I am become Pineapples, blocker of cocks.
platapus1331 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:02:58 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
You know when youre driving and approaching an intersection and the light turns yellow but you're a bit too far away to make it so you either stop or gun it? Id be the god of that.
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:03:21 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The god of sleep paralysis. A minor deity, entry-level content editor for Hypnos, god of sleep's dream aggregator site. I'm the guy who edits and posts creepy-pasta and my supervisor is Phobetor, god of nightmares, who only got the position because his father is Hypnos. (Nepotism, much?)
Piss me off and I'll send my horrors to keep you pinned to the bed with that unnerving feeling that something is watching you.
Or send that dark figure to materialize out of your direct view so that it appears in the corner of your eye while you lie there helplessly wondering if that thing will be your end.
No use praying to me. Instead, write good creepy-pasta for me to leech off of for Hypnos' site. It's the source of my powers.
Dontrunfromthepopo ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:03:23 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of passive aggression
BloodBride ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:03:26 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Dinner time meals.
Think about all the people who thank 'you God' for the meal they're about to eat.
It's my department, ergo, by default, those thanks are mine.
Akihirohowlett ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:03:33 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The god of thinking about the possibilities of alternate universes and timelines. Just thinking about it. You ever think about what it would be like to live in a world with Pokemon or in Star Wars. That's my field.
ElementalSB ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:03:35 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The God of postmen. I work under Hermes and I work to make sure your package is delivered at the most convenient time for you and safely unless you piss me off.
Wannabebunny ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:03:55 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The god of the last bit of toilet roll. Prayers would be sincere.
karbacca ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:04:05 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I will be God of the pencil sharpeners! Pray to me and next time you sharpen a pencil it will actually be sharp all around with no little bit of wood still on one side. Also, if you pray extra hard, the tip will not fall out of the led right away.
mmmmpork ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:04:06 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
USB plugs.
Pray to me for first time fitment
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:04:17 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of BEES!
SmilingDutchman ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:04:28 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The Oh God of Hangovers (miss you, Sir Terry)
mrhooch ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:04:29 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of the Internet. It's normal and totally explainable scientifically, but it's still a complete and total mystery!
Xais56 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:04:31 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Breakfast. God of breakfast would be worshipped to shit, everyone loves breakfast.
Ranchy_Poseidon ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:04:37 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I shall be the Goddess of Leftovers. Is that pasta you brought home from that Italian place with the delicious breadsticks still edible a week later? Pray and it shall be! Did I eat the last bit of bacon? I don't remember. Pray and you shall find the last slice buried in the back of the fridge, ready for your egg sandwich!
On the other hand, I like the idea of being a god intern. I shall be the intern goddess to Dionysus, the Goddess of After Party Cleanups! Pray that your douchey friend didn't vomit all over the place and the cleaning supplies are fully stocked!
Woodblade16 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:04:40 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The god of pregnancy scares. I'd get rid of those semen demons before they ever come to be. I'm also alternatively known as plan B.
Pyretic87 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:04:46 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of late night calf cramps.
ArmfulOfCat ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:04:52 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of the bass drop. Pray to me and the bass shall drop at exactly the right moment and your life will be a small amount better.
Profane me and you'll get polka music. Unless you like polka, then it's John Cage.
You can call me Oontz3. The 3 is silent.
jonewer ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:05:25 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of wifi. Sacrifice your virgin daughter unto me or your connection will drop for no apparent reason and not come back for 93 minutes on a Sunday afternoon.
pipsdontsqueak ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:05:26 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Pranks! Move over King of Pranks, it is I, God of Pranks!
SevensSea ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:05:29 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The god of orgasms. "Oh gooooddd yesss!" You're welcome child.
fenix_nigger ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:05:49 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of neckbeards
murakamimelb ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:05:50 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of parking. If you're in such a rush that you are speeding, not use your indicator, and cutting people off, I'm gonna be there to make sure you don't get a car space.
bitsy88 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:05:51 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Static electricity. Make me happy and you will always have a static shock to scare your cat or shock your friends. Anger me and so help me, your hair will never lay flat and every time your nipple gets close to metal, it'll get shocked!
kasubot ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:05:58 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of getting the junk drawer unstuck.
fenix_nigger ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:06:00 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of feminists
randompaul100 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:06:04 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of cracking your back in the morning
fenix_nigger ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:06:06 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of trolling
ikilledtupac ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:06:06 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Velcro
pimpernel666 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:06:21 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of not getting laid
fenix_nigger ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:06:23 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of bras and panties
fenix_nigger ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:06:48 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of vaginal humidity
Atlas_Mech ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:06:51 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Goddess of Guitar Solos. I've always wanted to be worshipped by guitarists.
ReverendSaintJay ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:07:10 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I'd like to be the patron god of bathroom attendants. They need someone to listen when the guy in stall 6 lets loose, and damnit, I'm never going to be so old that poop jokes aren't funny.
patshwin ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:07:12 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The God of Social Media Upvotes. I'd have a small but ever-growing base of fanatical followers.
SwellCorrell ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:07:12 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I would be Rudy, God of the slow clap, more of a chaos god then anything
when I appear, with one clap of my hand, all around will be forced into a feverish slow clap no matter the occasion.
hire me out for speeches, celebrations, bat mitzvahs, funerals, the end of your workout, during sex, after sex, etc.
fenix_nigger ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:07:13 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of pregnancy
fenix_nigger ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:07:22 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of lactation
fenix_nigger ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:07:30 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of cream-pies
DahhKid ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:07:34 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of Silent Farts.
Stormborn420 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:07:51 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The God of Clock Watching. That Last Hour at Work... I can be your Best Friend or Your Worst Enemy...
Jackyl9999 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:08:02 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Wifi
thomasowns ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:08:10 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Upvoting posts on Reddit.
halfadder ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:08:12 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The God of the bathroom scale.
flameguy21 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:08:15 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Traffic lights. I know someone's running late so I change the light to red just to fuck with them.
gaatar ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:08:24 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of pocket change. For having the exact amount you need to get a coffee, or finding loonies/1$ bills on the ground when you don't want spend your own money on pick-me-up chocolate bars. However if I'm upset with you you'll be one quarter short at the laundro-mat.
fenix_nigger ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:08:24 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of sluts
Maninhartsford ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:08:27 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The god of really well timed yellow lights. Sacrifice to me and you will always be able to speed up instead of brakeing
windowjumper ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:08:29 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Healthy Poops
Pinstar ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:08:37 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I am the amber gambler, god of luck and chance... at least when it comes to yellow traffic lights. When your light is green but you are really far down the road, I shall be your Shepard as you are the last car to cross the street before the unholy red demon of wasted time and gas appears. If you arrive with the demon already in power, I shall appear to the other direction of traffic, soon luring the demon away so the green way forward is shown...but only to my faithful.
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:08:38 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
[deleted]
morphotomy ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:15:21 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
And I'll be the god of hand sanitizer.
Chervenko ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:08:43 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I elect to be the intern of the God of Disease and Wellness.
I am the Lesser God of That Feel When. Which feel, you may ask?
assholesallthewaydow ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:08:44 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The God of the natural 1.
Basically I just kill all your RPG characters.
mpsteidle ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:08:57 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of bringing in all the groceries in one trip.
i_just_want_downvote ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:09:01 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I will be the god of Pizza.
synsofhumanity ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:09:02 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I'm the god of Wi-Fi and cell phone reception
WaitWhyNot ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:09:10 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I'll be Arisingnos, God of getting your ass out of bed so you won't be late for work. working in the department of Hynos(God of sleep).
michael6800 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:09:10 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I would be the God of entry level positions people everywhere would pray to me for that one shot of being the best suited guy/gal at age 20 with 30 years experience
PDK01 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:09:26 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Papercuts. Thus ensuring nobody fucks with me.
TheMatterWithYouRock ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:09:29 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The Goddess of the Clean Swallow
Every blowjob you give will be finished with a complete and total sucking of every last cum drop. No more finishing a blowjob and seeing that last drop pearl up, ruining your enjoyment of a job thoroughly completed.
Additionally, there will be no cum splatters or drips when swallowing. In my eternal generosity, I will not apply my boons to creampies. Everyone loves that shit messy.
fenix_nigger ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:09:32 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of girl's first orgasm.
Slim_Pihkins ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:09:37 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The God of unpaired socks. My wrath will be felt by all.
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:09:38 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Putting toilet paper rolls closer to the toilet in public restrooms.
DiZeez ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:09:42 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I will be the God of Side-Boob.
robbiebojangles ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:09:44 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Eris' errand boy. Main duties include untying shoes and auto-correct lulz
TheGreyBearded ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:09:49 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I'll be the god of that thing when you're just about to sneeze but then you friend is all "hey what's up?" and you suddenly freeze, but then you still have that nose tingle it's a horrible tease, and you're like "FUUUUUUUUUUUUCK!!!!!!!!!". yeah, i'll be the god of that
cs_tiger ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:09:54 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
the allmighty lesser god of shoe laces.
if you sacrifice stuff for my pleasure they wont open itself anymore.
if not. well. welcome to shoelace hell.
also. holy war against velcro strips.
morphotomy ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 16:13:04 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
And I shall be the Angel Of Aglets.
cs_tiger ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:17:02 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
welcome to my pantheon.
position for archangel still open so keep up your good work.
bobdilbertson ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:10:08 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I would be God of Duct tape and wd40. For I shall fix the world's problems.
jaaake ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:10:16 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of Smooth Porn Buffering.
IdeologicFire8 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:10:18 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of the quick screen change. Click on that NSFW link at work and the boss is about to walk past you? Pray to me while internally cursing your browser for being so slow and I will quickly change your screen to look like you're working on that memo. Furiously pressing the home button on your phone to hide who just texted you while with your SO? Pray to me and you'll be greeted by your home screen immediately. But for those who do not worship me, you shall be cursed to the tenth generation of your family with pages that automatically play annoying ads/videos at full volume!
MungAmongUs ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:10:18 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I shall be known as Chelaezae, God of the egg. Specifically, I have a fetish for soft boiled eggs, and only by sacrificing a few from each batch will the rest peel properly.
I've been on the job for years.
morphotomy ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 16:12:24 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Have you typed the word "splortch" into google lately?
MungAmongUs ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:18:28 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Is it as fun as mung?
morphotomy ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 16:34:37 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Way more.
MungAmongUs ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:43:51 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Ah shit, you made my day.
That's hilarious, and something I can do without a friend in a graveyard.
Mystleteinn ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:10:19 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The God of Change, (ripped this from a manwha) I could change anything, time, location, you name it, I could change it :)
SpartanDoubleZero ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:10:27 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Deleting all the prayers out of the figurative "prayer inbox".
curiousjim2012 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:10:32 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of the one wipe wonder
diddleysquank ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:10:33 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The God of timely email responses
thatguydre8tre ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:10:36 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Female monthly period lmao
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:10:36 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of finding the small item you could've sworn you put somewhere and then magically disappears when you return. I'd be responsible for making them disappear as well as returning them if I receive enough tribute.
Iam-doriangray ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:10:43 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Call me the Reddgod. Pray to me and I'll make sure that those reddit posts ideas that you think are incredibly awesome end up getting just enough upvotes and comments to make you feel good about it but not enough to reach front page.
paperpizza2 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:10:43 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I shall become... THE GOD OF WIFI Free wifi for everybody!
pittipat ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:10:53 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The god of finding random money on the ground. "Hey look, a quartter!"
shrubsnbushes ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:10:58 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of not filming random people in public, just because they are doing something ''cute'' or ''funny''. I would moonlight as the god of the frozen food isle. I would try and cheer some of those poor bastards up.
boredinak ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:11:08 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Coffee, I would be loved and worshiped more than Zeus.
Creanyo ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:11:08 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Traffic. People would be giving me offerings to keep me happy non stop.
Wuhtthewuht ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:11:11 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Subway arrival times. Now that's REAL power.
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:11:22 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Masturbating
I come when called, and leave you unfulfilled cause you can't get the real thing
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:11:53 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of ok seriously close all those tabs, you got way too many tabs open sheesh
jrsooner ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:12:14 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of Slight Movements.
Walking near the counter? Well...now you WALKED INTO THE CORNER! MWAHAHAHA
That's a nice toe you have there...it would be a shame if someone...put a coffee table infront of it.
RandomFlotsam ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:13:00 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The Dark Lord of Seasonal Allergies
I'd cause sneezing, eye irritation, occasional nasal discharge, and a mild sore throat overnight for anyone who did not make the proper sacrifices.
Also, I'd work as an enforcer for other gods, for people who needed a moderate punishment for misdeeds.
goodtwitch ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:13:06 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of atheist scientists because I love irony
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:13:11 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Id be Matthew McConnauguey, the roman god of homosexuality
Joetato ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:13:13 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I'm the God of help desk calls. I control whether you get easy ro hard calls!
Wikidead ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:13:16 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of battery charge - pray to me and yo will always find that 10% goes way longer then you'd think
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:13:23 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Vengence upon those who violate noise ordinances.
311polo ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:13:28 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Baseball
sleepykittypur ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:13:31 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I am the god of War, the board game.
thunderkid4 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:13:34 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Pray to me and I'll make sure you never drop your phone in your face when surfing your phone in bed at night.
RandomHerosan ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:13:38 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The god of perpetual awkward moments.
May your cringing be blessed.
NomadClad ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:13:39 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Part time Intern to both god of chaos and god of logic....overseer of knots & tangles
i_broke_wahoos_leg ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:13:41 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Patron Saint of Jihadists. I'm guaranteed to blow up.
dsafire ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:13:45 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I often joke about "The Small Gods of Public Transportation", Bus, Trolley, Subway and Commuter. Id take on one of those gigs, maybe LRT.
EVERYBODY prays to those guys, even drivers (get this stupid bus out of my way) and the pay is in cigarettes.
BoristheDragon ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:13:48 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of reddit gold. Anyone who wants to go to r/lounge will have to go through me first.
billyuno ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:14:02 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I would like to be the God of Good Grammar, and smite those who fail to use proper punctuation.
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:14:02 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
'The God Of Crushing Poon"
trt13shell ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:14:05 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of Memes
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:14:07 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Spelling and Grammar โก๏ธ
wolfguardian72 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:14:28 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Since I love it so much, I would be the God of ketchup. It goes great with most anything.
jfcyric ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:14:37 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
the god of cellular network, ill rise FAST
Diclonius_Angel ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:14:48 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I would want to enter as the patron god of college students and last minute fudgery. Bullshiticus. Sitting on his golden futon tended by caffiena and Thesaurea. Since I'd be enter level and that sounds like second step I'd be below, god of Google, just when all hope is lost I have Google give you that perfect obscure article that even your professor has never seen and allows your fudgery to succeed. Gooticus I shall be.
PraiseTheSun79 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:15:01 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of video game saving. Don't cross me.
mrdavis7777 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:15:06 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
the god of IT
Whales_Vagina23 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:15:11 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of receipts. When you really need that one you thought you threw away, I will help you find it in the bottom of a bag.
freakincampers ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:15:21 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The god of board games and luck in board games. Wil Wheaton will curse my name whenever he rolls.
Chanandler_Bongg ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:15:21 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
"step on a crack, break your mothers back" I would oversee this rant and protect all the mothers who are good from breaking their back, while condemning the bad mothers' backs
Seriousjaffa101 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:15:22 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I chose to be God of the British weather, rather mundane, but an important job. It is my duty to make sure we Brits have enough to talk/complain about to get through the day
MIDorFEEDGG ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:15:22 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Reddit karma.
W1ULH ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:15:26 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Mayonnaise
Momochichi ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:15:33 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I want to be the god of locked doors. It's so mundane, people do it all the time, and yet also so powerful. When someone irks me, I "accidentally" lock them in, or out. Or maybe unlock a door so a mother discovers her son jerking off to the discovery channel. That would be fun.
thereddaikon ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:15:36 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The patron God of leads. USB, VGA, HDMI, those weird proprietary power connectors etc with never be tangled and always plugged in right the first time if you worship me. Accepted offerings include beer.
giraz ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:15:45 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of panicking while ordering food
Mewand1 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:15:48 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of parking lots
MutatedCaow ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:15:53 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I'll be the god of the number 3! Half Life 3 and Left 4 Dead 3 will out come out then!!
interactionbill ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:15:56 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The god of hangovers. Oh god. Oh god. Oh god.
JaydenSmithAMA ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:16:00 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I would be the god of things that sound deep and meaningful, but actually aren't.
telephonybone ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:16:03 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I'd be the god of catching things you dropped/ knocked over mid-air
drfarren ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:16:17 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I want to be the god of good reeds. Anyone who plays clarinet, sax, oboe, or bassoon would know me and pray to me.
I_Felici ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:16:18 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I will be the god of tupperware. Give be sacrifices to find the correct lid to the container you filled before checking
Tacomeat10 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:16:52 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Toilet paper. Your attitude determines if I allow it to rip or not.
dogbert730 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:16:56 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The Tetris God.
http://youtu.be/Alw5hs0chj0
College humor made it look fun.
kungfujohnjon1 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:16:57 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Brewing a pot of coffee. Not coffee itself and all that goes into it; I'm not ready for that level of commitment, but just if you don't want the coffee you brew first thing in the morning to taste like ass, you had better offer me some reverence.
pogue23 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:16:58 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The god of overcooking or undercooking, prayed to everytime someone makes toast, spaghetti, brownies, etc. I'm one of those duality gods.
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:16:59 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Hmmm the god of anti-teabagging.
BetterOffBen ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:17:05 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Tacos
clp2012 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:17:07 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I'd be the god of making sure people actually stand on the right on the effing escalators! (mildly enraged Londoner here!)
aquib99 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:17:07 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of tits and wine
helpnxt ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:17:12 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of Typos I am a vengeful God who will wait till the message is just the right subject to the right recipient just to make you look pervy/weird/terrible
purdu ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:17:17 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I'd be the god of perfectly cooked pizza rolls. Crispy, none of this soft shit you uncultured heathens
TransformativeNothin ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:17:19 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)*
The god of undecidability, where you curse the God of opportunities and always wish you made the other choice. I would be a dastardly bastard God who delivers alternatives only to have you generate more via combination. The God of halting or dimensional/complexity framing would be my enemy. One to ones be damned! I would be a less diety of Spinoza or Cardinality.
If that is not mundane enough. I would be the God of cold spots in the microwave, where the turn table just is not enough to get an equal vibrational excitation of water within your leftovers and the manufacturing could not afford to move around the microwave gun or offset the microwave anodes and nodes.(It's possible it is just a thick meal too)
If that is too mean, then I would be the God of pleasant leftovers, where scallop potatoes and chilli taste better the next day and coconut oil rice is better for you.
dgnarus ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:17:25 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The God of public transportation. If you don't pray for me, your train will always be late. And I can tell you right now, nobody in Holland prays for me...
Judgeman2021 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:17:40 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The god of standing in line. I would help rule over the balance of how long you stand in line and how enjoyable of an experience you have when standing in line. And maybe every one in a while I might get bored and open up a new line just as you walk past it. Who knows you might just find a dollar while standing line or see the love of your life, you'll never know.
yoavsnake ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:17:45 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of Hearthstone. I will become RNGesus!
MegaChunkey ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:17:54 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
god of ur all gay
WRCousCous ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:18:00 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I'd take the God of Office Supplies. When your stapler mysteriously runs out of staples, your ballpoints run dry, and your ream turns out to contain 500 sheets of paper with a crumpled corner, I'm your
manGod.Click your empty staplers, rattle your empty pens, throw your shredded paper in the air and cry:
and I will hear your prayers. I may or may not have time to get around to helping, that depends on the quality of your obeisance.
callmebigley ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:18:04 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I am the god of inconsequential things going right on the first try. Your key slides straight into the keyhole without touching the edges? Toss your hat and it lands neatly on the hat rack? You're welcome
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:18:08 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Box god. God of boxes.
izzgo ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:24:07 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Pandora got that one already
Jaereth ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:18:11 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of The Female Locker Room
Kwangone ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:18:17 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Language. One minute you understand things just fine, and the nwxhjjfbdkkxbbf xhhdkksbbfi jjsllfhhejk.
Harleyquincey ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:18:22 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The god peeing and pooping.
See.. it may not be a pretty business, it may not be the most prestigious. But I bet each and everyone of us has at one time prayed to please make it to a toilet in time. And that's exactly my job then.
I'd have plenty of followers very soon and with that apply for higher job positions in the pantheon.
radamhadameal ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:18:22 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of cleaning the lint catcher in dryers. No need for offerings. Just report those who don't clean theirs and I'll make sure there's a house fire.
saviorlito ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:18:24 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The God of cellphone battery life. With enough prayer I may allow it to last until your lunch break, when you actually need it.
HarvardCock ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:18:44 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of Spoiled Food.
he the asshole who turns the milk bad after you've performed the sniff test.
TheAlmightyProphet ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:18:50 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I will be the god of chopping lines of blow/whathaveyou. Should you pray to me while you undertake this task, I will make sure there are no rocks and that the drip is merciful.
RaptorVader ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:18:51 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The God of Sleeping Five More Minutes.
hilldill84 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:18:51 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
old shoes.
donchilo ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:18:59 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The god of driving
TimoK123 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:19:03 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Erections. I will have the biggest group of worshipers.
AdmiralAkbar1 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:19:22 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of homework loads. Sacrifice thine student planners unto me, and thou shalt be rewarded with at least an hour of free time.
dst55y33 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:19:25 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of masturbation, no question.
Psykerr ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:19:31 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
RedgreenRED, God of Traffic Lights. No greater power to wield.
ssuasw ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:19:36 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The God of remembering mundane things.. like where u left your keys... or what u were supposed to pick up from the supermarket or.. what time you were supposed to pick up your kids. The little things everyone seems to forget.
The God of soccer mom's and parents everywhere... All hail lord Sauron! (yes Sauron)
HordaksPupil ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:19:38 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)*
I would like to be the god of fanfiction. Fans would be pray to me for inspiration and to protect them from negative comments :)
Gullwing53 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:19:38 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Semicolons! Fucking semicolons.
Veeoh ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:19:50 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The God of lost keys.
Hint mortals: They're always in the last place you look.
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:19:53 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
pizza, duh.
Shermanate ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:19:56 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I'd be the God of REDDIT COMMENTS!!
Fikkia ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:19:57 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of nervous pauses. All hail err-um-ahh
griffClaw ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:20:02 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Satisfying scratches. You got an itch that you need to scratch and then by the glory of god you got it scratched in just the right way? Pause be to me, I am the minor god of the satisfying scratch.
kurosaki004 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:20:07 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of Wifi Signal. You'll be praying to me all day long.
majoroutage ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:20:20 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The god of traffic law. Lot of people gonna be finding nails in their tires.
DoopSlayer ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:20:22 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of computer startups. It's a high traffic job so I should be ranking up pretty early.
Deaner55 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:20:32 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The God of hindsight. "Oh great merciful gods, where did I go wrong?" "PERHAPS YOU SHOULD NOT HAVE DONE THAT".
wooktrees ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:20:35 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I make a mean turkey sandwich
crochetwhore ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:20:45 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
the god of tits and wine
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:20:46 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Remembering Passwords. Nothing will throw me into a blind rage more than someone not remembering a password.
Whales_Vagina23 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:20:47 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of finding one more beer in the back of the fridge when it seemed like there were none left.
Stiffcock ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:20:53 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
cuckolds
i-make-robots ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:20:54 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I hear there's a vacancy for the atheist God. I'll take that one, please.
Trickyryan88 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:20:54 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I'd be the god of automatic breathing.
AtlasShruggedTwice ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:21:01 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of the Sugary Sweets, I like candy and cakes but being able to screw with anyone's sweet tooth practically makes me the devil himself
chasarg ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:21:03 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of ripping your pants without underwear. No worries, ill provide the underwear
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:21:14 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Behold, you are before the god of making it look like you're do more work than you actually are.
Pray unto me, and your meetings runneth over, your lunch break shalt be long, yet your manager still pleased with you.
pommelawyer ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:21:15 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of rehashing front page posts from last week.
suburban_white_boy ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:21:20 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I am Testikles, Greek god of manliness and interior design.
josiephace ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:21:27 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The goddess of feeding the cats.
TylaGee ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:21:35 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Call me Cannabisatindicaburn. God of Cannabis. You must sacrifice all the marijuanas by fire. But if one shall neglect to properly dump the remains of the sacrifice once it is fully burnt. And fails to spread the word of this cashed sacrifice. They shall be punished with death.
PeanutCheeseBar ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:21:43 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Making sure you insert your USB stick correctly the first time.
plipyplop ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:22:00 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of Spare Change.
TheManlyBanana ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:22:08 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of using the toilet, and other associated acts. If you don't worship me, you're not gonna have a fun time
p3nta_d ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:22:17 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I will be the God of Subway. Not to be confused with the God of Subways or the God of Child Porn.
quesomancer ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:22:17 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of cooking cheese just right. Crispy on top, melty in the middle, never burned or oily.
Last_man_sitting ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:22:25 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I'll be that guy you pray to to keep the traffic lights green
narayans ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:22:37 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I will be the god of paying bills and settling dues. Yes, now you have the money and you have various tools at your disposal to do your thing, but you forget. Not anymore. One small prayer and all your outstanding dues will come to your mind in threes. Finish them and you shall receive three-more.
Your credit score will soar and your relationships will ripen; i will attract the jealousy and ire of other gods, and this will make me fit for the seldom liked middle management.
izzgo ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:22:37 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
chocolate
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:22:38 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I would be the God of "ordering things in line without holding everything up and being a dumbass". People who queue properly and know what they want when they order would have my blessing - protecting them from getting the wrong order or their steak coming out over cooked, etc.
Acidsparx ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:22:48 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Opening beer/wine bottles.
bloodycardigan ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:22:49 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I would be the goddess of coffee table legs and couch corners. Anger me and I'll have your toes.
Byteninja ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:22:50 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I'd take over for Phil, Prince of Insufficient Light
I would continue to punish people for small crimes by "darning them to heck" with the "pitch-spoon."
Crimes punishable would include using copier paper for the printer, stealing a chair from another cubicle, and finishing off the last coffee from the coffee maker without making another pot, not putting the toilet seat down, parking to close to the line, and other annoyances, etc.
Punishments will remain annoying rather than tormenting. Like being forced to sit at a secretary's desk and be teased by coworkers, or being forced to sit among the accountants at lunchtime and listen to their boring conversations, or "using the spoon" on a person.
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:22:52 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The god of masturbation because then at least one god doesn't frown on it!
aer351 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:22:56 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I would be part of the HR department or Godly Resources I guess. Which would basically make me the Stop harassing Aphrodite department.
APSupernary ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:22:56 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The God of Automobile Repairs; better stay up on maintenance, lest incur the wrath of my exorbitant hourly labor rates.
GrimaceIVXX ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:23:08 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Refiling the Brita water filter.
afrowarriornabe ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:23:16 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of mythic rare booster packs.
Pray to me, and you may have a chance at a foil mythic.
Want power nine? Ha, you better start praying hard.
laughinman7 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:23:19 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of never burning the roof of your mouth with pizza that is too hot
Cloud_Fish ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:23:28 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Printers.
I'll feed on the rage and tears of the masses and grow more powerful than you can possibly imagine.
Metalworks13 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:23:32 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I shall be the god of feces so I can ruin monster truck shows when they desecrate my temple.
DevyatGrammovSvintsa ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:23:45 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Reddit.
erinn1986 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:23:46 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Those knots that are really hard to untie, and then you tug a little bit and it all comes loose. As one who fights with shoelaces, yarn, rigging rope, and hospital IVs, there should be a god for this.
RedMaverickrsg ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:23:50 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I would be the god of ear bud headphones pray to me when one speaker dies a I'll repair it in exchange for 100 bit coin or maiden sacrifice.
Nightmanxcometh ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:24:02 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I'll be god of the drunks, pray to me and I will be sure to make you fall asleep face down on that couch in that frat house after you drank that bottle of cheap vodka, so you don't choke on your puke and die in your sleep.
Cheniarg ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:24:07 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I'd like to be in the Spelling and Grammar department. Apostrophe Deity sounds like a good entry-level position. You know, illuminating the faithful and changing "your" to "you're" in their heads before they post it online or send a text message. That kind of thing.
m_0g ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:24:18 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of semicolons - display ample devotion and you can be assured that you won't encounter any semicolon related compile errors.
XZYoda12 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:26:43 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
;_;
Twinstarrider ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:24:25 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The God of Reddit. Now worship your God with ONLY FALSE IDOLS OF REDDIT GOLD.
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:24:25 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of minor technical annoyances. The god of mischief felt this stuff was beneath him so its basically subcontracted out. My job to corrupt your backups right before a disaster recovery scenario, to give you confusing error messages, paper jams, and a power outage when you have been working on a document for 6 hours and haven't saved yet.
Dionysus and I are pretty good buds.
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:24:35 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of Banana Ripening
Because my fucking bananas go from green to brown, skipping yellow, so I KNOW the position is vacant.
niccig ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:24:40 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Using turn signals. People who don't use them when turning and/or changing lanes will be punished.
MalfiteMeIRL ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:24:45 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The God of that thing where you're just about to sneeze but your friend is all like what's up and you suddenly freeze but you've still got that nose tingle and it's a horrible tease.
Pray to me and you'll get the sneeze out.
Witonisaurus ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:24:48 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of toe stubbing, to punish those that comitted haneous crimes
tardist40 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:24:52 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of being emotionally numb
knurttbuttlet ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:25:01 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The god of starting things such as chainsaws, lawnmowers, weed-eaters, generators on the first pull of the cord.
Szzntnss ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:25:02 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I would likely be the God of Sleep Deprivation. Pray to me or risk having your caffeine fail you at the most inopportune time as you slowly nod off when you should be working.
Acrophobe ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:25:07 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The god of losing things in plain sight, I'd have to do nothing and people would still never find things.
ferretflip ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:25:18 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I'd be the asshole assistant of Chronos, god of time. I would be the one who makes time slow down an hour before you can leave for work/school, so it feels like it takes forever.
Dangerdave13 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:25:26 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Flatulence. If your an asshole I can make you shit your self in the worst time frame ex Hilery Clinton mid debate if she ever does with Bernie. Your a cool nerd and you lucked out with a ten I'll stop that oral sex fart for your homie!
lavenderdreamer ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:25:27 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Goddess of the common sense. You see someone being stupid? I throw a force of air just strong enough to whisper "Stop, hammertime!" In their ear and they dance like an idiot insteas of acting like one! Send me your idiots and I shall smite them.
lmc4 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:25:28 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I'd be the dog of auto correct.
inter_fectorem ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:25:38 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
You know that itch you get that one time you're in a situation where you can't scratch it? I want to be the good of that.
whmeh0 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:25:39 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of finding the fastest checkout line. Am currently standing in the slowest one in the grocery store, but it's too late now :(
hoffathesmoka ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:25:45 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of pinecones. oh how your feet will hurt. ;)
Irish_Samurai ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:25:47 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of Redemption Catches. When you drop food or your keys but spectacularly catch it again before it hits the ground.
kenj0418 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:25:57 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of approving marriage licenses. Apparently he/she is in desperate need for replacement.
GodAngst ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:26:07 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Teenage angst
CowsKickAss ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:26:07 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Transcribing and filing away all the prayers.
Leah-theRed ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:26:12 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of open Wi-Fi when you're in a new place and low on data. I'm the one you thank for the coffee shop down the street with really strong signal that pops up when you need it most.
fromkentucky ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:26:20 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Considerate driving. Those who use turn signals, are polite and generally drive like decent people get rewarded with reduced risk of accidents.
mmmmmmBacon12345 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:26:26 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of randomly breaking/fixing machines
Know how your printer has good days and bad days and the more you swear at it the worse it works, but the IT comes by says a few nice words and it magically works?
Yeah, that shit would be my doing! Want to print your thesis? Tough shit! I want a compliment and a dinosaur sticker!
londonactor ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:26:28 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of Phantom Phone Vibration.
Wacefus ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:26:28 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I'd be the God of showers. People usually enjoy showering, it gives time of reflection, and tranquility. Plus lots of naked people, so that's fun.
fermatalegato ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:26:30 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I want to be the god of Bureaucracy. I imagine it'd turn out similar to the Vogons.
cracktr0 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:26:36 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Can I be the god of compression shorts?
belunos ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:26:36 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Sports wins. I may actually get prayed to more than the major gods!
Dalvyn ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:26:36 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of things bought but never used. Pray to me to get the motivation to finally read that book, or play that game that's been sitting in your Steam library.
stairwellington ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:26:38 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The God of Commuting. Worship me and you get to work/home on time.
Forsake me and you're stuck in traffic/on transit for hours.
itscochino ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:26:39 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of your moms ass
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:26:46 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I AM THE GOD OF FUCK!
bytie1 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:26:50 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of 'who has the longest french fry' game
Gojira0 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:26:55 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I'd say Counter Strike but I think KennyS has taken my spot.
doctordaedalus ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:26:55 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of Crushed Ice - making sure that all of the fridge door ice dispensers always dispense the crushed ice in a timely, effective, and consistent manner that doesn't involve your freezer door bumping around like you're holding back the minions of hell.
RancorHi5 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:26:59 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Making sure joints burn evenly
siberian ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:27:01 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Chargus - Minor Deity of the battery power meter. I am responsible for making sure that your devices accurately reflect their current power status. If you do not properly honor me I will make your power meter unreliable.
Proper sacrifice means continued knowledge of your power status.
While minor, this position will allow me to grow my control and power over ALL INFORMATION and muscle my way to the top in a few hundred years.
The line to worship me starts to the left.
katiedid05 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:27:05 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Goddess of choice parking spots and punisher of the handicap spot abusers
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:27:08 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of constipation
mdlmkr ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:27:15 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Toast. I will aid all mortals who devote time to pray to me the ability to make perfect toast...every...single...time.
CryptusDiabolus ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:27:16 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The Czar of "wait...wut"
XZYoda12 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:27:17 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I'll be the god of hacks, just to make life easier.
Huehuehue.
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:27:18 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Mediocrities!
RacistBassist ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:27:18 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Pun God
willERROR343 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:27:28 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I will be Buffirious the god of Buffering and Mid-video Advertisements. Pray to me an d your video might not buffer. Don't and ill make sure you have unskipable ads.
Zen_Brony ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:27:31 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I am become Gyrion, god of bicycle maintenance. Getting ready for a ride? Call upon me. Forgot to readjust your derailleur after it slipped the other day? Curse my name and weep, mortal. Made it through a century ride without a single flat? I have caused my face to smile upon you, chosen one.
Jimbozu ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:27:34 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
USB superposition. I want to make sure you always have to try 3 times to get a USB connector plugged in.
InspectorRack ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:27:38 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Tumblrgifs. Behold my sub par moving images and despair!
Noimnotonacid ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:27:39 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of morning coffee.
Dear savior of the brew. I roast my beans for me and for you. Whether it be drip or press, Let no drop hit my dress. Save me from burns And further caffeine yearns. Lastly let this single source Ethiopian blend
Cause my resting bitch face to end.
xavyre ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:27:40 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of chocolate. At least half the world's population will pray to me routinely.
MentalWarfar3 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:27:44 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Wizard of Social Services.
WatchingRadio ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:28:03 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Hollimium, God of Hole. I rule all holes, i make them bigger and smaller; I will create them and obliterate them; both organic or not. If it has hole in the word or shapes such as, I control thy.
Perhaps you were born to love a whore? I make her next-to-virgin. Perhaps NASA seen Interstellar and wishes for more grasp and reacho of our Universe, CABLAMMOOO, whormhole. Perhaps you have an enemy and perhaps such person could lay their boulls over an important metting, or simple just cease to have breathing capacities, who knows? WHO DO YOU CALL? Ghostb...no, God of Holes! Perhaps the rich have enought petroleum...maybe?
God of Hole is love, God of Hole is both death and life. I can make the world hole again.
armknee_aka_elbow ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:28:08 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
USB God. Worship me and the USB will always go in the right way. I WILL NOT FORSAKE YOU!
Imnotawizzard ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:28:17 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I would like to be the god of sum.
Such a trivial thing.
So simple.
In a week, god of all money and transactions.
In no time I would kick Hermes' ass.
nobby-w ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:28:19 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I would be the ancient Mayan god of data warehousing.
People would still ask me if I have Solvency II pillar 3 experience.
Navel_Linty ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:28:33 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I choose to be the God Of Finishing Up Your Poo Just As You Run Out Of Things To Look At On Your Phone
mtpelletier31 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:28:34 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Id like to be the god of awkward moments. Like when two people run out of conversation.......yeah i made that happen. just sitting in the background laughing at it all.
ArrowRobber ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:28:35 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of hangovers! Every single 'goddam, what happened last night' will be another prayer in my pocket. Gimme a week and I'll be arm wrestling Thor for a piece of that sweet thunder action.
HeckfyEx ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:28:43 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Taxes.
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:28:44 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I would become the god of boredom, I will be the reason you are bored and have nothing to do because you don't feel like doing it and even when you do something you enjoy you are still bored because it's that kind of boredom.
kutznutz ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:29:08 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Twerkules The god of jiggly butts
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:29:09 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of IT troubleshooting.
StyxFerryman ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:29:12 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The Greeks had a lot of sexual sub-gods under Aphrodite. I'll take an entering level position amongst the Erotes.
Xval42 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:29:17 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I would be the God of condiment water. If you dare defy me - no amount of shaking will prevent that first squirt of water from ending up on your food
benthesupernova ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:29:21 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of autocorrect. Before sending a message, pray to me and hopefully I won't auto correct something that you don't want auto corrected into something else.
Thundaa_Gaming ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:29:22 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I'd be the god of small talk. People who are good at small talk are amazing.
chinabull86 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:29:36 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Pizza
AmyinIndiana ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:29:41 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Can I be Snackses, goddess of snacks? I really enjoy snacks, they are vastly better than meals.
bagel55 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:29:43 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I'd be the one who takes the really annoying plastic packages off of products
palad ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:29:52 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The Three Fingered god, who helps you to end task on crashed programs.
lsmucker ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:29:58 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I want to be the god of random scrapes and brusies. When you get that one scratch, but you can't remember how it happened when someone askes you about it, that's from me.
mageftw222 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:30:08 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
the god of toilet paper
MrVenoM45 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:30:17 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Wiping butts
liveforothers ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:30:49 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The god of gainz.
organisedanarchist ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:30:54 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I would be the God of Tits and Wine
Styxol ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:31:04 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The God of broscience
jursla ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:31:12 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of making it to the toilet
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:31:23 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Traffic lights
"Please wise sleaux_meaux let me make this green light way down there I can be there on time if I just make that light."
Me: "your prayer does not please me the light will change right at the last second and you will catch it."
ScoutManDan ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:31:39 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I would be the God of terrible Mondays.
Whilst many fear my wrath and observe the holy days with mutterings and imbibings of holy caffeine, the true believer understands that I am a benevolent deity who in fact makes every other day seem that much brighter in comparison.
My might is such that before each holy day we cease work to celebrate for two whole days, with much rejoicing.
ViridianCovenant ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:31:42 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I will be the God of Nod. Every silent gesture of the noggin in modern American non-verbal communication shall be my domain. Praise be unto those who lift, bend, and tilt, for they maketh The Way.
navyseal722 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:31:49 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The god of dry swimsuits. If you are good and take care of your swimsuit may you have them dry quickly. But be an asshole to your swimwear and forever smell the stain of mildew!
80Eight ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:31:53 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I'd like to be the mischievous trickster god of variable Internet speeds.
When a page is suddenly loading slower than usual, or Netflix has to re-buffer; people would pray to me or rub their me-idol to speed it up. There would be an emoticon for me on Twitch streams, which would be spammed every time a stream starts lagging out.
When a download finishes much more quickly than someone thought it would, they would praise me.
I would be the most divisive, worshipped, and beseeched minor deity ever. It would be awesome.
historyisaweapon ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:31:59 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I am the god of untranslatable words.
NeedsNewPants ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:32:03 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I'll become the god of Dank memes.
morgothan ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:32:05 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I will be the god of minor forgetfulness. You know when you get up and walk to another room for a reason, but as soon as you get into said room you have no idea why you went in there in the first place. That was me. My wife is the goddess of remembering why you wanted to go to the other room as soon as you sit back down. We hang out a lot.
Cebu1a ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:32:08 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Usb connections, pray it right the first time.
Quazijoe ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:32:12 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I am the god of Spell Check. Every time you see a red squiggle under your words, you experience my divine grace.
I do not do grammar though. That is Olga.
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:32:16 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of Clothing.
I'll be the most fabulous motherfucker in the realm of the gods.
crowntheking7 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:32:30 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
fantasy sports
Callahan333 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:32:41 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Ogling nice asses.
Clamlon ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:32:42 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of opening-reddit-threads-only-to-find-out-that-my-responce-is-already-posted-and-is-top-comment
If any actual gods\members of pantheon see this: this is not an official statement, i am to choose another role if asked.
I_pleadthefif ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:32:46 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Breakfast. I will smite those who eat inside their cars. And smite those who don't eat breakfast twice. Up the ass.
whyareallmynamestake ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:32:50 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Running yellow lights
bidurpls ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:32:51 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of downvoting comments only in the case of genuinely not contributing to the thread. All the nice little boys and girls that don't treat it as a disagree button will get treats and candies; those that use it as a disagree button don't get jack.
BringTheNewAge ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:32:54 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
battery's you pray to me that your battery's don't go flat at the worst moment... they still do.. im a lazy god
CTU ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:33:24 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The god of spoilers...you know piss me off and you get spoiled as who dies next in the book tou are reading, or hear how that story ends as you just get into it...please me and never accidentilly catch any spoiler.
MarblePython ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:33:26 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The God of that feeling of when you think you're going to sneeze but you don't
OktoberStorm ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:33:28 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of bra fitting.
skijeeper ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:33:29 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I want to be the God of making sure that when you drop toast it lands butter side down, and all such related drops. So when you drop it and it lands with the buttered side up, you have to thank ME!
GodleyX ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:33:35 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The God of toilet paper. All unfit , inadequate, 1 ply TPs will be smited down by me.
Snow_leopards ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:33:39 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Office supplies. I can summon tape at will- or I can make pens disappear. I can water bend white-out And I am given a small nod during back to school shopping Perhaps a small fringe of devotees set up an altar in Target
ChiengBang ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:33:42 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of video games
Falstaffsword ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:33:44 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I'd be Notnow, the God of procrastination. All will tremble before me, eventually.
guess_twat ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:33:45 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I am the god of indecision....I guess, unless that one is taken then I would be the god of something else maybe.
Murda6 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:33:50 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of keeping that Chipotle line moving.
5hadrach ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:33:51 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I would like to be the God of Buttered Toast with the power to decide which way the toast will fall, Butter side up or BUTTER SIDE DOWN.
idgarad ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:34:19 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The Random Number God for the praise I get from the Rogue-like players shall elevate me far above the rest of the pantheon!
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:34:28 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Hair ties/bobby pins. Humans are always losing that shit.
Women and long-haired men in my good graces will be eternally grateful when the hair tie is where they left it the night before and a 10 pack actually lasts them longer than 2 weeks.
KaMiAm ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:34:30 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of restaurant and food lines. When I'm good, you're good. But if crossed, everyone has a bad time.
Pharakan_Space ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:34:32 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The balance of sandwich ingredients
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:34:34 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I shall be the God of Bread. Steve the God of Bread.
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:34:39 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The pee-shiver.
Praise be.
thabonedoctor ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:34:40 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
First person shooters.
I would be both the bane and savior of millions. Discs will be shattered in my name , controllers will be whipped unto walls. Cries of "Oh baby a triple!" will ring from my halls of worship, and my followers will sip from the cup of eternal 360noscopes.
Asmor ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:34:40 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of procrastinating but still getting shit done at the last minute.
opticon ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:34:40 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I would be the god of Cereal, intern to the Lord of Harvests.
Gain my favor and I will protect the crunchiness of your breakfast, even in milk.
Never spill or drip from your spoon and your bowl will always be full of drinkable milk, not polluted with cereal dust and mush.
Anger me and face my wrath, as I cause you to pour OJ over your cereal instead of into the glass.
Profane my temple with water instead of milk (or milk substitute) and I will smite the marshmallows from your Lucky Charms and leave you with bland, flavorless carboardy bits.
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:34:50 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Cell phone reception. You don't pray to me, good luck getting that text out!
frankenmint ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:35:07 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The God of Cannabis Judgery
zhaoz ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:35:11 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I would be god of bureaucracy / paperwork.
You would pray to make sure that whatever government / DMV / tax form that you are filling out will be processed without exception and with an acceptable amount of delay. I wont give you no delay... there are limits on entry level gods you know!
Rhyslingoh ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:35:17 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of that moment when you do that awesome thing that you think no one sees, and then you look around and someone DID and they're like "WHAHHHHH no one could do that twice!" Pretty soon I would just keep having one person see me do something awesome at a time as the biggest combination of little victories known to planet Earth.
tharoktryshard ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:35:27 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of debugging.
Max_Trollbot_ ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:35:39 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Chairs.
-heathcliffe- ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:35:43 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I am the god of good high fives and handshakes.... Pray to almighty heathcliffe... Your welcome....
MrSnayta ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:35:44 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of toilet paper, do you wanna mess with the controller of the ply? Do you want to risk a lower grade 2 ply, 1 ply or even zero ply?
Kneel before me.
jstalin_x ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:35:51 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I'd be the god of playing with your phone while sitting on the toilet. My power would be to alter time and allow for time pass more slowly inside the bathroom so that no one knew you actually finished 20 minutes ago. To everyone else it was a respectable 5 min dump.
FlatulatingSmile ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:35:58 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I'd be the god of wiping after a shit. My most devout followers will have one-wipe wonders every time.
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:35:59 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I am the god of the morning commute. I get to decide which of you lucky SoBs gets to be stuck in traffic.
Spoiler: It's all of you, every day.
HolySimon ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:36:08 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Can I apply to be the god of nude selfies? That sounds pretty spiffy to me.
ironhide24 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:36:27 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I shall be the guardian of the poor souls who take a shit and didn't realize there wasn't any toilet paper.
ITookYourGP ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:36:44 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of tits and wine.
Spicyflakes ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:36:45 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I would be the god of vowels, it'll take you so much longer trying to talk to someone now mwhahaha
gnexuser2424 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:36:46 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Xirrus- The god of wifi
theycallme_orangejoe ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:36:53 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I shall be the god of Forgetting why you walked in a room.
beeeel ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:36:57 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The God of Kitchen implements getting stuck and stopping the drawer from opening.
chewydive ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:36:58 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of tripping over the piece of carpet that's slightly higher than the rest of it
SusonoO ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:37:07 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I shall be the God of Cravings. Anytime you get those weird, late night Cravings you can't explain, simply drop me a prayer and I got your back. Wake up at 3am with a dried out mouth and craving a cool sip of water, simply say the words and you'll find a bottle of water on your nightstand that is somehow still colder then room temp yet not cold enough to fully wake you up. Seriously wanting a hot cheese pizza around 11? Remember that you have leftover pizza in the fridge that heats up to the perfect temp on the first try, and doesn't become so soggy that it flops about like a limp dick.
Anger me however, and feel the full force of my displeasure. That bottle of water, becomes lukewarm, and only has enough left in it for half a mouthful, not enough to fully wet your mouth yet enough to leave you craving more. That pizza becomes hard as a rock once you remove it from the microwave/toaster over
I accept offerings in the form of late night Nacho deliveries, Ice cold bottles of Mtn.Dew and other sodas when I open my fridge, having the exact amount of change when buying something cheap, and pictures/videos of kittens doing silly and adorable things.
esoteric_enigma ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:37:33 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I'd be the god of deciding whether or not white girls trip in horror-like movie situations.
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:37:35 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Push notifications
FuzzyCub20 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:37:35 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I am the god of Stubbed Toes! You know when you stub your yoe and say "God Damn it!", I'll be there to unleash my wrath on whatever poor inanimate object caused you pain.
FordyceFoxtrot ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:37:35 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of Morning Stretches
Although often great, occasionally I will smite people, causing them to suddenly stop stretching and think, "Oh, is. That hurt a bit, I wonder what that was," only to stretch again.
MrSocialClub ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:37:42 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of coffee. I drink enough of the stuff I might as well already be god of it.
XSplain ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:37:49 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of being exactly right on time to catch your bus.
Killerfae ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:37:54 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I am the glorious god of Pancakes. Pray to me to get fluffy, perfectly round, goodness. Call to me for your enemies to have horrible dense chalky breakfast.
RichoDemus ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:37:56 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The god of dank memes
esoteric_enigma ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:38:05 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I'd be the god of deciding if that fart you just made by accident is smelly enough for the other people in the room to know.
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:38:07 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
the god of entry level postions in the workforce
SeparateCzechs ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:38:16 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I would be Boost, minor Goddess of little bumps of self esteem, atta girls/boys, and damn, I make this look work.
You show your devotion by noticing someone doing well, and telling them about it. Each time the faithful pay it forward and make others feel better they get little shivers of pleasure and my influence grows.
xBrianSmithx ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:38:28 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Commuting Drivers
KnashDavis ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:38:31 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I would be the God of Customer service. I'm responsible for all the good customer service that comes your way if you respect the people who are helping you. But if you are a dick, then you will be in customer service hell!
P.S. I made Time Warner Cable bad for fun to fuck with the mortals.
Airclot ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:38:32 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I would be the God of erasers. If you worship me I will ensure that any time you erase you will leave no dark shade or streaks across the paper. It will always be a clean erase.
Grumpy_Kong ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:38:37 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of Not Getting Woken Up By an Alarm Clock on Days that You Don't Work but Forgot to Turn Off Your Alarm.
My job would be to silence said alarm clocks.
I'd have no worshipers but be universally appreciated.
joedapper ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:38:53 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Norse god of information technology. Not in that I fix things, but that IT guys pray to me to smite the stupid users.
randymagnum1669 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:38:57 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of the first sip of coffee in the morning
I make that first sip that much more potent and delicious to help you start your day.
ohnoidiedkillme ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:39:01 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Goddess of typing. Pray to me and maybe you won't mess up your password ten times.
LegioEnt ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:39:08 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of bongs!
DarkZombieKing ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:39:19 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I want to be god of that thing where you're about to sneeze, then your bro is like what's up and you suddenly freeze. You still have that nose tingle it's a terrible tease!
qwertytarr ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:39:22 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I'd be the God of impromptu Beats. Whenever you start tapping your pencil or steering wheel to the beat you will have my blessing and the Beat would be Sweet.
Leecannon_ ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:39:23 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of Cats.
I now control the internet and fluffly little creatures
twotoneskapunk ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:39:31 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of blinkers. Thou use thine blinker eagerly and useful, and thou shalt be rewarded so that when you use thine blinker properly, the sea of automobiles shall open for you.
But be fearful if thou dost not use thine blinker, for there shalt forever be an officer waiting for you to not signal, even if you are the only automobile on the road!
AutoCompliant ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:39:36 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
If we're talking about an "entry-level" position in today's economic terms, then I'd probably be doing the job of Zeus with a 32k salary.
Bodie217 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:39:42 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of turning the refrigerator light on and off
Maximum_Ordinate ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:39:44 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of the left lane. Put your faith in me and I will smite all who fail to yield for faster traffic.
ErickHatesYou ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:39:46 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The god of questionable paycheck deductions. I'd be rich as fuck.
Nogginboink ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:39:53 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I am the God of Windows Reboots. Pray to me fervently enough and whatever software problem you have will be solved by rebooting. Piss me off and I'll give you registry corruption in that reboot.
Odyrus ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:39:57 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of Tampons... then just sit and wait...
Mex-Box ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:39:59 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Misplaciuos... God of misplaced items/furniture.
I move all furniture a few inches from where you are used to it being so you stub your toe and feel uncomfortable on a daily basis.
I also take your phone or wallet out of your pocket and place it on the dresser and vice-versa.
44Tall ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:40:00 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of whether the car door handle slips and pulls a fingernail with it.
pyro57 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:40:01 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The god of throwing trash towards a trash can and missing.
Soulfreezer ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:40:04 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Cocktail god. :D
flatlineskillz ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:40:08 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The god of cleaning up my minor drips and spills at the coffee shop on the counter where they keep the sugar and creamer so the staff doesn't have to do it.
Kugel ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:40:09 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
the god of always plugging in your USB correctly on the first try.
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:40:17 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The god of making waffles rise. Start on a beloved food, and it won't be too long until the obese inhabitants of the richest, most powerful nation on earth are throwing out that Jesus hippy and forcing every person on earth to worship you.
Polar87 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:40:23 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I'll be the God of WiFi.
Anger me once and one shall find oneself with connectivity problems while streaming porn videos. Anger me twice and one shall be calling a contractor to lay down UTP cables.
Proof loyalty to me and raise war on the infidels that worship the Gods of 3- and 4G, and you shall be granted infinite bandwidth in the next life.
Arrow156 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:40:25 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Minor injuries. Stubbed toes, paper cuts, that sort of thing. Within a few eons I would have amassed enough power to do whatever I please.
the_69th_dad ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:40:27 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
In like 8th grade we were reading a book on Greek Mythology and had to create a god and a story about said good. I created Haircules the god of hair. And the story was that he pissed off Zeus because he walked in on a girl he liked playing with his hair so he cursed him with dandruff. Snow was him scratching his head and it got worse in the winter because of the dry air. Probably the most clever thing I've ever created.
Kugel ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:40:34 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
the god of finding both socks in a pair when you unload the dryer.
PM_ME_GOOD_CHIPTUNE ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:40:36 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I am the God of That Thing Where You're Just About To Sneeze But Then Your Friend is All "Hey, what's up?"
And You Suddenly Freeze
But Then You Still Have That Nose Tingle
It's A Horrible Tease
And You're Like "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK!!"
bbafford ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:40:38 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Taking meeting minutes.
nicholka ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:40:43 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of waking up right before your alarm goes off. Not bad, actually.
WayfareAndWanderlust ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:40:44 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The God of Toiletries. You know those moments when you get done taking a shit and then realize you don't have toilet paper? Yeah, pray and I'll materialize one for you.
Oconitnitsua ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:40:44 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The God of Finding out there's no toilet paper but then you find another roll under the sink.
urgaan ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:40:47 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The god of smash brothers, if you call upon me in your tourney of need I can waveshine you to glory and riches. It comes at a cost though, horrible carpal tunnel
castebigmac ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:40:47 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The god of lag! Praise me and sacrifice me modems and i Will curse your enemies in due time
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:40:47 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of wifi
Sacrifice your firstborn or you'll forever be stuck on channel 4!!!!
Masterofnone9 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:40:50 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I would be the god of no two shits given (Apathy). Helping others not care is my job.
punisher1005 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:40:51 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I'm the god of "Fixing electronics by turning them off and then on again."
I'm a merciful god. But though shalt not call thy helpdesk without trying me.
GamerChef420 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:40:55 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The God of cell phone charging.
AnonSpaceBat ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:40:56 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of Call Centers
Pray to me and you shall not be disconnected after 1 hour waiting to speak to a representative
Worship at my shrines for an amicable customer service rep that actually knows what they are talking about and tells you what they DO know and CAN DO and not what they DON'T KNOW and CAN'T DO
Sacrifice your first born, I shall sabotage all attempts of your enemies from successfully getting anything resolved over the phone.
PortableBadger ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:41:16 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I'd be the God of self deprecation. Undoubtedly I would be awful.
jia683 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:41:18 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
the god of tasty bacon.
UAFTAP ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:41:21 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God Of "Have I missed the bus? Or is it just late?"
I will send subtle signals to those who are unsure of their public transport. Thus alleviating the needless stress induced by having to figure out if you've missed the bus.
cheeeseballs ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:41:28 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of picking things up off of the ground with my toes, throwing said things in the air and catching them. Insuring you never need to bend over again ;)
derministar ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:41:31 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of parking. I would have the ability to make peace or war.
Tivia ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:41:32 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The God of your cat won't quit doing that adorable thing right as you get your camera ready. Praise be me, the giver of reddit karma.
JJ_The_Diplomat ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:41:43 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The God of always letting you have one more squeeze of toothpaste if you just roll the tube up a little further. There is always one more squeeze, my child
Note: for children under the age of 8 use a pea-sized amount and supervise brushing
SO SAYETH COLGATUS
AddontheDespoiler ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:41:44 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God Of one time you need your gun to not fail.
bigredcar ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:41:58 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Lucky golf shots - when you're sure it's going wide or in the water but miraculously it lands somewhere helpful. I just want to fuck with people's minds by giving them unexpected happiness.
Angetenar ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:41:59 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I am the god of those times you drop something fragile but actually manage to catch it on your foot and feel really badass for a minute. You're welcome.
wHaCkEd2 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:42:02 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
become the god of ordinary mundane everyday things
YayTheRedHead ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:42:05 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I want to be the god of mild inconveniences.
Your hair gets to a certain length and you want to grow it out just a little more.... But it won't grow past there no matter what you do? That's me.
Trying to get a shirt off the rack at a store and when you pull out the hanger it gets stuck on other shirts and hangers a couple times before you get it out? Me again.
The car is at a comfortable temperature, but you keep adjusting the air vents in your car and can't quite get them to blow exactly where you want them to? Heyooooo! Guess who?
Blessings by yours truly, the goddess of mild inconveniences.
Bishopkilljoy ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:42:05 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)*
The God of just enough change in your car for a big Mac. Pray to me and your life will be filled with dollar menu goodness! Fail me and that last quarter you need will somehow be cemented down against the cup holder...taunting you.
sleeper129 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:42:12 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I would become the God of Grilled cheeses. Lunches and dinners for everyone.
lifeisrocknroll18 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:42:16 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I am the god of Mountain Dew Kickstarter First Sip. Every sip tastes like the first sip.
skukian_warrior ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:42:24 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Pooping. . . I would be a vengeful lord >:-)
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:42:28 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I'm the god of traffic lights. Pay homage to me and all the lights in your path will be green.
oddwhun ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:42:30 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of checking your cell phone,prayers to me come in the from of looking at your phone to check for messages, I will be the most honored god of all time.
tallmiller ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:42:39 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I'd be the God of New Socks.
screw_the_primitives ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:42:50 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
motorcycles
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:42:51 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I am the God of Running Out of Staples When You Only Need One Staple!
Where is the box of replacement staples that you remember buying at Staples just last week you ask?
I'll never tell!
BA-HA-HA-HA!!!!
jaweeks ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:42:54 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The God of pooping would be a powerful God, pray and sacrifice or you'll suffer from constipation.
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:43:01 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I shall be reborn as the god of burning yourself on food that just got out of the microwave, TREMBLE as my divine heat scorches your supple, mortal hands!
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:43:06 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The God of putting your cart into the corrall at WalMart/Target etc.
DWillows ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:43:07 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of autosaving. I back up all online data and game data every few minutes. Offer me a daily prayer or I might just "forget" to autosave your things the next time there's a power outage.
pralfer ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:43:07 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I would be the god of remembering that one mortifying thing you said or did in 4th grade or whatever. When the memory come back unexpectedly, you must curse under your breath or utter some other excited vocalization as a prayer to me so I will remove the awkward embarrassed feeling from you and you can continue your bland existence.
criticalwizard ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:43:20 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of That One Thing I Saw Everywhere Before I Needed It.
My following would be so mighty, you guys.
I think Lego hobbyists would be my priesthood.
randraug ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:43:22 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Vending Machines. I can bless people with extra items or extort them for more offerings.
Iainfixie ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:43:25 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The God of "Well, actually I don't feel like leaving my home today so I'll draw the blinds, and turn my phone on silent and just enjoy ME time".
chodan9 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:43:32 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of Clever retorts!
pray to me and you will never have to "wish I would have said that!"
greymalken ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:43:43 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of not immediately replying to texts.
Did she get it? Is he fucking your cousin on the side? Is her phone off? You'll never know...
BaseAttackBonus ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:43:45 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of Dice, tabletop gaming in general.
OMGwtfballs ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:43:48 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
May I be the god of procrastination? People all over the world do it, and I'll eventually do something about it.
Niggorean ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:43:48 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The God of puzzles and dragons.
My orb matching skills would be far superior than anyone can imagine and people will always try to be as great as I am but can never achieve it.
Puzzle and Dragons is a mobile game and it's a cross between bejeweled and pokemon.
tbbn ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:43:50 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of masterbassion. May good porn come to those who pray and bad porn and cumming during position changes for those whom done wrong
MrsClaireUnderwood ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:43:52 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The french press.
XanderTrout ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:44:17 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Ice cream, muthafuckas .
TenDeadF1ngerz ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:44:34 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Morning wood.
RAAM_n_Noodles ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:44:43 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I am "Ohyeahthatsrightius" The God of remembering what you walked into a given room for...
Leonoor8 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:44:45 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Elevators! I won't wait no more!
Andarne ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:44:46 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The "Oh God" of Hangovers is what I'd be.
Charybdisilver ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:44:54 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Taking the wrapper off a muffin and not having any stuck to it.
CommonFrequency ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:44:56 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The god of putting screen protectors on without leaving any bubbles.
pjhollow ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:45:07 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Data entry. Vlookup GOD.
DodgyBollocks ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:45:09 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The God of knowing when it's a fart or something more. Appease me and you'll never have to worry about sharts again. Piss me off and every fart is risky, even those little harmless ones.
dsetech ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:45:12 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The internet.
Shiby92 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:45:13 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of that lost toe nail clipping
upboat_ ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:45:14 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of the Traffic Lights. BOW BEFORE ME MERE COMMUTERS!
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:45:30 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of petting your dog when I see you walk by. Every dog needs a good head scratch and I don't really mind.
Merikia ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:45:32 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of fast food. Pray and tithe well and your orders will always be complete and without error. Doubt and you shall receive no cheese with your cheeseburger, and fries will be stale.
hawkeyeking ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:45:35 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The god of cueing.
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:45:39 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Video games. "No game no life." _
Admiral_Akubra ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:45:50 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of Piss-shivers, commander of the convulsions after the holy excretion
Raszamatasz ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:45:54 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I'd definitely become the god of index cards. I'd help everyone study for vocabulary tests!
AnonymousMaleZero ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:45:56 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of Keeping Zeus' bitches in order.
supremecrafters ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:45:56 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
It's obvious. I'd be the god of Steam Sales.
theoneandonlymd ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:46:02 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of deciding when things need a power cycle. I am vengeful, unless you jiggle the cable just right.
Oldpenguinhunter ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:46:10 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)*
I'd be the God of bumping your gas needle up after you've turned your car off so that the "you need to fill her up" light goes off, and you feel pleasantly surprised when you get back into your car.
Rushdoony4ever ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:46:11 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
flossing
Shiro_Fedelmid ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:46:19 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Praise me, the God of unforunate typos
bart_be ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:46:30 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I'll be QUETSAL the god of CHOCOLATE. chicks dig me...
Namithefurociouscat ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:46:32 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Filing, because everyone apparently doesn't know the dumb alphabet or they won't fully put the file on the shelf.
Bozhark ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:46:46 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Chalk. I'd fuck with everyone's equations.
PseudoY ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:46:47 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I will be the god of the infrequent perfect defecation, where the toilet paper is clean from the first wipe.
I will gift my followers in a timely, but rare, fashion - just to keep the suspense.
Blue-Azure ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:46:47 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I would be the God of drivers and dependency resolution. When you go to install a new piece of hardware, or to deploy some software, you would make an offering of interns. In return, I would ensure that your computer system was able to actually locate the correct driver online, or that your software dependencies would resolve quietly in the background.
CGDaughter ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:46:53 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Goddess of Crosswalks. I will smite those who nearly kill pedestrians.
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:46:55 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Pencil pushing.
Balls2TheFloor ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:46:56 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Masturbation.
miserablemisanthrope ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:47:09 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
What is a "Shower Argument?"
A_Furious_Mind ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:47:09 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I am the god of not going over your data cap.
Pray to me and all your streaming video activity will miraculously put you just below the threshold at the end of the month, with no overage charge.
WiwiJumbo ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:47:11 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of Unexecutable Brilliance.
I shall bestow ideas of great businesses and products BUT only ones which you have no talent or knowledge of how to implement.
My feast days shall consist of depressive drinking.
PaulTheMerc ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:47:12 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Technology. Be a god of something humans made themselves an....hmm, do you think the other gods will catch on?
motelcheeseburger ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:47:16 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
the god of wifi passwords
Bloubek ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:47:23 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of pulling the blinds down evenly on the first try.
TerminalVector ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:47:23 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of getting Steam multiplayer games working on the first try.
ShaneCoJ ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:47:28 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I would be the patron saint of quality footwear.
SomeCrazyG ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:47:34 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The God of flatulence.
Appease me and I shall allow you to relieve your intestinal discomfort in a business meeting with nary a scent or a sound. Ignore me and I shall drop random squeakers or flutterbusts upon your most intimate moments. Irritate me and your proudest moments will be riddled with sharting.
DeadSeaGulls ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:47:41 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I am the God of Intentional Obtuseness
TheShortestHobbit ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:47:45 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The God of music shuffle. If you praise me the next song on your list will be that song, you know the one.
Simplekin77 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:47:49 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Human Resources of the gods. I might help you out, I might not. I may just be out of the office for eternity for a seminar.
im_in_stitches ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:47:53 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The god of the button, clasp, and buckle. Women would make offerings and prayers that tight clothing would stay in place, and overweight people would pray that buttons don't burst. Young men would pray for the failure of buttons and clasps. "Oh great god of securing, please release Mary's ample bosom from the confines of her bra so that I might partake of her Visage. " Even after all other gods had faded away, I would remain relevant.
CaptainDeluxe ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:47:53 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of recieving phone calls/texts at inopportune times. Office meeting? ringtone on full blast, baby!
ithrowawaydepression ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:47:56 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The god of wanting to do something today, but deciding fuck it and sleeping an extra six hours so you don't decide to take a swan dive off your balcony onto the concrete below.
pearshapedorange ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:48:01 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I would take my humble place as the god of wifi connectivity. I would garner the most devout followers.
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:48:01 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The God of Tits and Wine
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:48:08 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The God of tailwinds and headwinds for cyclists.
ATL_Beekeeper ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:48:15 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of the green turn light. Upon prayer... I can hold it so that the car in front of you makes it, but you have to wait for the yellow light to make your turn...but you still make it.
ATL_Beekeeper ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:52:20 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
as an aside...if the guy behind you is also a believer..you get bumped up to green signal.
Thus..my legion of followers will balloon as it catches on.
However, I have an older evil step brother who is the god of distracted drivers. If someone going the other way prays to him, someone won't go when it his his turn and the prayer chain will be broken.
Major_lampshadehat ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:48:20 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I would be the God of headphones/ earphones and the wires that cometh from them. praise me, and you shall be graced with audio fidelity the likes of which no person has ever known, and you wires will never catch on anything again. Cross me, and every song you play in public will be either loud enough to annoy the public or quiet enough that you will never even hear your favourite songs. And for the truly despicable, every wire of every headphone you buy will be tangled beyond all recognition, and you wont ever be able to find the knot that ties them all together. the more you struggle, the greater the mess, and you will rue the day you crossed me and understand why they name hurricanes after men, and planets after Gods.
lux_operon ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:48:22 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)*
Perhaps the god of forgotten dreams - the ones you try to recall but vaguely can't, or the ones people have given up on.
Maybe that's a little gloomy though...so the God of Air Conditioning for something a little happier, haha.
fynx07 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:48:23 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I would be God of Set Speedlimits. I'd be the least worshipped God ever known to man.
psychodagnamit ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:48:27 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
mouse scrolling. Low key controlling the world.
phillip42069 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:48:29 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Traffic
eonta ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:48:32 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The God of jars that are loose enough to open easily but not loose enough to accidentally come undone.
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:48:33 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The god of walking into a room and forgetting why you came in there.
Rachelleiona ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:48:36 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Goddess of the 5 second rule. When that was the last piece of bread you made into toast and the butter on it was just perfect. You dropped it! Pray for 5 seconds.
ImrePohl ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:48:38 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I would be the god of commuter etiquette, this would cover trains, buses etc.
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:48:43 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
paper clips
Daggaroth ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:48:45 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of IT Support - Hath Thou tried turning it off and back onith again?
essential_ ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:48:55 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Toilet paper.
foodandart ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:48:55 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Broken shoelaces. Those to do not offer proper supplication, have shoelaces that constantly break.
MrFrode ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:48:56 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I will be the God of Napping. You can visit my Hammock Temple and give me praise.
Eszharen ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:48:57 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Hangovers...
Aruseus493 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:49:04 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of Sleep - Worship me and you'll actually feel better rested with much less sleep time. Waking up won't feel like a chore, and I'll increase the number of people that pull all nighters and then sleep only a couple hours.
MagicSPA ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:49:09 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Lottery win distribution.
Syrinth ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:49:10 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The God of Unnecessary Guilt.
Remember how you didn't say thank you to the waitress yesterday? She probably hates you.
You didn't pet your last cat as often as you maybe should have, are you sure she knew just how much you loved her?
Devanismyname ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:49:12 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I'd be Devanacious, the God of lite beer. The fun one, the unsnobish, player of beer pong, destroyer of jenga towers, and rider of beer trains.
g0odnight ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:49:15 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of awkwardly waiting for class. I govern how many people you accidentally bump into while standing in the hall
Derf_Jagged ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:49:20 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of Cellphone Silence. Acknowledge me or feel the wrath of your cellphone going off in lecture or meetings!
scoldeddog ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:49:21 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Left lane cruisers. I would smite thee with great vengeance and furious anger.
HydeParkSwag ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:49:22 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The god of sitting at a bar drinking alone, actually enjoying yourself, and not looking like a creeper.
You pray to me by drinking a delicious craft beer in quiet relaxation while occasionally glancing at a random sporting event on the bar television.
Karl_Cross ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:49:28 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of Papercuts!
I shall be a wrathful deity!!
Patches67 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:49:30 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I am the god of tangled ear buds. You put them in your pocket for just a minute, and pull them out looking like a super-advanced level boy scout knot challenge.
let_me_not ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:49:33 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Netflix and Chill. Volleying constantly between Dionysos, Aphrodite, and Hestia.
crimsontideftw24 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:49:33 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Sponges. It'll give me time to soak in my surroundings before moving on to better patronages.
GetHisWallet ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:49:43 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Kind of like the tooth fairy, but for random nice deeds. Hold a door for a stranger carrying heavy shit? Dollar under the pillow.
ApplesHoss ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:49:45 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I would be either the god who causes the perfect song to come on when cruising in the car or the god who decides, in that split second after dropping your phone, whether you miraculously catch it or it shatters on the ground.
wgszpieg ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:49:48 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of what other film did I see that actor in?
McPhilen ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:50:00 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of when getting to the end of a cereal box, make all the little crumbs and pieces that end up at the bottom become whole again.
CrackItJack ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:50:07 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Transport.
I am quite sure the position is open because I have actually looked for a God of Transport at one time for work and there is none in the Greek mythology. I would have sacrificed a lot on that occasion...
So I would be a God for all the freight forwarders and customs brokerage agents out there. In less than 48hrs, I would get more virgins than I would know what to do with.
SchroedingersHat ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 18:07:27 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Pretty sure that's Hermes' bag.
BatemansVideoRentals ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:50:13 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of Mastabatory Visions.
Yogomojo ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:50:20 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
the god of losing your keys, all those who disobey me shall lose their keys
MikoSqz ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:50:23 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I'll take jerking off, freeing up some more time for whosever portfolio is fertility and all that.
Zbxzbxzbx ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:50:23 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Pineapples
schneid67 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:50:27 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The God of Quick Career Advancement
MrsPie ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:50:34 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Goddess of properly rising dough and flaky, buttery crusts.
RacerX2112 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:50:36 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The God of Biscuits.
blotsfan ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:50:37 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I'll be the God of disabling notifications from appearing when you accidentally like your crush's Facebook photo from 3 years ago. I can be a very powerful ally.
Churn ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:50:40 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I'd be the god of tits,.. no wine!... um.. ok tits or wine will do.
-Tyrian's shower thoughts
superkp ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:50:42 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Jelly beans.
MrBlueMeany ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:50:43 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)*
God of public transportation, I could fuck over or help out a lot of people that way
BuddhAtticus ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:50:51 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of Defecation
"Oh god! Buddhatticus please help me with this big ass dump! Uurrgghhhh"
vivazeta ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:50:51 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of the DC metro system. (Currently sitting still on a very late train)
Bradofax ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:50:52 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I'd be the God of diagnosing check engine lights with my eyes. No charge.
RetroTempest ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:50:56 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I would be the god of popcorn preparation in the microwave. I would leave the world in ruin in less than a decade.
DocGestalt ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:50:58 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I have applied to be the goddess of things-that-made-you-wake-up-in-the-middle-of-the-night-for-some-reason-but-you-can't-figure-out-what.
oldfashionedvillain ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:51:02 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I would be the god of Little Annoyances, spell check errors and peanut butter side down are my weapons.
Beware my wrath lest you run out of toilet paper at the wrong time!
mccombi ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:52:51 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I think you might be overstepping your bounds: that last one sounds like a pretty big annoyance to me!
oldfashionedvillain ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:42:07 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Careful; one wouldn't want to step on gum now would one?
Chavez8717 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:51:08 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The God of Remembering the name and artist of that song that is stuck in your head. All your friends will love you for loving me.
somekindofhat ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:51:10 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The goddess of transitional part time employment that doesn't pay enough to live on and was really meant to be done by teenagers because really, anybody could do it.
Then I get my degree in alchemy and get promoted to goddess of typing and filing and website and social media updates, which might pan out into a middle management goddess position someday if I really lean in.
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:51:15 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I'd be the God of the smell you get just before it starts raining. No worship means that gets replaced with the smell of old people.
Bigmada ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:51:16 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
keeping track of chap stick tubes.
SerMeowsALot ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:51:18 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I would be the goddess of finding stuff you've misplaced. I would have so much power over everyone.
Rytoast ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:51:20 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Bow before Rytoast God of the traffic lights. Fear not my mortal followers the light shall not turn while you stay in my eternal gaze... But the heathens who curse my name shall be damned to an eternity of red lights and almost making the yellow.
OhGodtheAssSpiders ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:51:22 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I will be the God of taxes. I will forever and always know all the tax code and it's loopholes.
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:51:30 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of Reddit
Mortals pray using my name to not receive downvotes and I shall decide if they deserve it or not. Miracles are called Gold and very few of you deserve it.
Amilo159 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:51:40 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I'll be the God of traffic. Be a good follower and give your prayers and I'll perhaps make sure to always keep whatever lane you're in, moving steadily.
Tyrulz ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:51:43 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Paper-jams
Penguin_Out_Of_A_Zoo ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:51:44 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The 5th horseman of the apocalypse: Appliances Not Working Properly Even When You've Given Them A Good Whack.
MT_Flesch ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:51:45 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
pizza
SuperFunHugz ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:51:52 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of destruction
GGAllinsMicroPenis ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:51:57 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I'd be the God Of Pretending You Forgot Something So You Pretend To Check Your Pockets Before You Suddenly Change Directions While Walking Down The Street So It Looks Like You're Changing Directions For A Good Reason And Not Just Because You're Walking The Wrong Way.
reverent_irrelevance ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:52:07 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of that thing where two midgets roll themselves up in butcher paper and light their hair on fire while you suck on their toes
I AM STEFON, GOD OF THE HUMAN DOOBIE.
Xiaxs ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:52:29 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I will be the god of random ass thoughts that pop into your head. You know when you leave for vacation and think "did I leave the water running"? That was me. And yes, you did. Or really any question on /r/askreddit, /r/askscience, etc. I CONTROL YOU ALL!!!
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:52:36 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Not giving a fuck.
randomdrifter54 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:52:41 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I would be the god of cuddling cats. Be in my favor and cats will be kind lineant and cuddly. Be out of my favor and no cat will cuddle you and if You try violence will be had. Fear me and love for I am capricious you may be in favor one minute and not the other.
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:53:01 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of Friends in Low Places. Ever been to a karaoke bar and someone sang that song? Like every time? I did that. Blame it all on my boots...
milldent01 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:53:06 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The God of eating Doritos while playing Xbox
RogueSteel ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:53:07 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I will be the bong God.
my2yuan ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:53:13 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of Witty Retort. Worship me and behold the humiliation of your enemies and the admiring laughter of your colleagues in the presence of your lightning wit. Anger me and be frozen in mind and mouth at the moment of most opportune, left to ponder the what ifs of your unspoken remark forever and ever and evermore.
Stiegurt ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:53:21 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Pants.
Bigbadwanker ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:53:27 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Behold, the god of wanking, I secretly decide what you wank to, how long and if can cum and how much. You don't too be on my bad side, I will make you not being able to get an erection when you are older. Better pop some of those viagra pills.
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:53:33 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of Teeth. Or maybe like good 4g reception or something, but I'm really holding out for the teeth thing.
sisisspore ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:53:37 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The God of gardens that don't get the amount of attention they need because the owner is too busy. They only have to spend a few minutes on praying to me and their gardener is hired! Unless you are lazy, in that case I'm telling Zeus on you.
Weltfrieden ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:53:45 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of the Next Song.
The fickle eternal dj of picking the next song when you're on Pandora and the like.
lurklurklurkPOST ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:53:46 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
ITT: All the shittiest things in life have Deities now.
EHoruto ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:53:55 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The god of sudden memory-recollection. Anyone within my grace would have the ability to remember something forgotten immediately, but only if it was forgotten within a few minutes of the attempted recollection.
No longer would people walk into a room with intent, but then be unable to recall why they are there. No more will you lose the car keys "you literally just had."
lizrdgizrd ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:54:03 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I will be the god of Make the Yellow Light Last Just Long Enough To Make It Through This Light Cycle. If you sacrifice to me you will get that long yellow you need to make it wherever you're going on time.
inuvash255 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:54:06 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I am the god of Entry-Level Positions! See the requirements I set and despair!
onlyacynicalman ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:54:08 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Reddit
EmanonG ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:54:09 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The God of Dank Memes.
-manabreak ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:54:15 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I'd be the god of typos.
deedeec ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:54:18 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of decluttering and organizing.
Lenoh ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:54:20 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I would be god of 20-sided dice.
That way you have someone to blame when you roll a 1 and thank when you roll a 20.
hazemarick44 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:54:21 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The God of Everyone that Lost the Game
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:54:23 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Dog sitting
crayolakym ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:54:36 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I shall be Corto, Goddess of Scissors. Just as your junk drawer scissors go missing just as you need them, I too will never be around when you need me. Instead, I will always show up, shortly after you've ripped a hole in your new shirt, had to use nail clippers to get the half inch zip tie removed, or chipped a tooth. And sometimes with my three sisters: Remotey, KeyKey, and Denero.
General_Flankems ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:54:37 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of finishing the shampoo and conditioner bottles at the same time.
christopherson51 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:54:39 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I'd be the god of those standard emails employers send out to people who've been rejected for a job opening.
intherorrim ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:54:41 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The God of Seemingly Unimportant Things.
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:54:41 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I'll be the god of muscle memory. Wonder how you can type that 10 characters password that you don't even remember? Well time to light a candle !
holisticholes ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:54:43 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The God of Calibrating the End of a Song with Destination Arrival.
GGAllinsMicroPenis ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:54:43 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I'd be the God Of Looking Back At The Ground After You Stumble As Though You Tripped On Some Unseen Uneven Sidewalk To Cover For The Fact That You Actually Just Stumbled Because You're A Clumsy Fuck And There Wasn't Anything For You To Trip On.
rabbit-deer ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:54:45 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Goddess of bringing all your groceries into the house from the car in one trip. Anger me and I'll break your bags!!
NOT_ah_BOT ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:54:56 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The god of signal attenuation, i would be a cruel god.
avakar_shingdot ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:54:57 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Pizza.
harrick ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:54:58 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The Goddess of warm cozy blankets and warm cozy socks. Women will call out my name in ecstasy. Men will praise me in gratitude every time they avoid the iceberg feet of hell being warmed up on their body.
TasteTheRaimbow ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:55:03 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The God of Late.
Recieve my blessing and you shall arrive to class/work just on time.
bladebaka ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:55:07 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I'd be the patron god of delivery drivers, using my powers to get them to and from their deliveries safely, and ensure decent tipping.
And ensure people who cut off or flip off delivery drivers get their karma returned tenfold.
wake_up_idiots ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:55:08 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of Tongue and Cheek Biting
"Be humbled by my power!"
beard_of_ages ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:55:11 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The God of deciding who slips on ice.
uberpower ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:55:26 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The God of Reddit.
I shall smite the vote brigades with my holy tentacles
PervertedOldMan ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:55:30 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I give Order to Chaos and I melt cheese uniformly on food in the microwave.
GGAllinsMicroPenis ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:55:38 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I'd be the God Of The Gurgling Sound Your Coffee Machine Makes As Its Finishing The Pot Of Coffee And Sputtering Out The Last Few Drops.
People would love the shit out of me.
CiD7707 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:55:38 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I'm hoping Neil Gaiman is reading this thread. I need a sequel to American Gods.
LadyKnightmare ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:55:39 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of kerning!
Pray to me graphic artists and typographers!
eanmanley ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:55:45 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I will be Trafficus, god of traffic. Every time that light is green, or you have an easy time merging, you can thank me.
btheb ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:55:50 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Tits and wine
cobbleybabbins ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:55:54 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
clouds
ThatGuyWhoAintYou ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:55:59 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The God of the Shift Key and CAPSLOCK.
Come to me when you need to sound angry over the internet
Calavane ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:56:00 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I would be the god lag, not the game breaking lag, just the one that is subtlety there and really annoying and makes you miss skill shots.
yesthesoulwilldo ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:56:07 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I would be the god of Customer service. sacrifice me to kill off the middle old age hags!!!
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:56:13 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Couch coins.
McWave ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:56:22 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I would be the God of bacon grease. I'd be a fickle God, that would have to power to offer you the greatness of bacon, or the pain oh hot bacon fat popping out of the pan. "And lo I say unto you my children, burn not ye bacon for the god of my grease is strong."
CanadiaPanda ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:56:45 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Farts.
WholyFunny ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:56:55 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Laughter
TheGrapistApprentice ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:56:58 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I shall be the God of lost keys, pray to me and you shall suddenly remember where you threw/placed them. Forsake me and your couch will hold more than just lost change til the end of time. Muahahaha
CardboardPotato ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:56:59 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I am the God of Slow Checkout Lanes.
Did you pick the line with only two people that looks really fast to you? NOPE. The lady in front is paying by check and wants to redeem a coupon that requires the manager to go to the back to verify.
jeremyrayne ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:57:05 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The god of traffic lights.
_Affexion_ ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:57:05 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Goddess of discarded cat whiskers!
mattskid92 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:57:21 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The god of RNG. RNGesus himself. In charge of making loads of gamers mad when they get shitty rng in their game.
seanhak ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:57:24 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Tetris god. Master of block, Weaver of faith.
talkabi ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:57:33 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Graphs... I fucking love graphs
FamilyGuyGuy7 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:57:38 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Something menial? I claim God of Remembering Your Password Before the System Locks You Out and You Must Reset It
t0kin ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:57:40 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I'd like to be vape god.
flamedarkfire ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:57:40 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of forgetting what you were going to do in a room when you enter it.
zomgenie ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:57:44 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Trafficus. All hail Trafficus. I got a good parking spot. Trafficus is not pleased. Rush hour was a bitch.
Kevincible ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:57:48 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of Traffics. Sacrifice your first born to me and I cut down your daily travel time in half.
burdalane ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:57:50 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The goddess of clumsiness and poor spatial skills.
47859130060-6 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:58:01 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
WiFi, bow to me or suffer the pain of an unstable connection.
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:58:01 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I will be the god of automatic sliding doors.
not-working-at-work ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:58:11 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I will be the god of Dishes That Come Out Of The Dishwasher Without Little Bits Still Stuck To Them.
kevinkarma ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:58:16 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
In Nepal they have a god for toothaches
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:58:19 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Know when a button gets jammed or isn't working? Don't piss me off.
LeslieJade21 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:58:21 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Goddess of comfy underwear.
Pray to me, and you will never get a wedgie or an uncomfortable tug because your underwear is too tight and sweaty.
Piss me off and you're gonna chafe.
GGAllinsMicroPenis ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:58:32 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Gaming the system: I'd be the Snooze Alarm God. But every time anyone hit their snooze alarm it would give me more power.
I'd skyrocket through the Pantheon Monday thru Friday and challenge Zeus for the throne on the weekend.
Increasingly_random ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:58:46 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of Bacon. Streaky, thick, thin, smoked, peppered - we encompass all denominations. I am the many faced God.
zoomer296 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:09:36 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
In bacon we crust.
RealZimmer ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:58:47 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
English muffins
pullarius1 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:58:52 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The Dewey Decimal system.
thefourthhouse ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:58:54 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Weed whacking.
Thou shall not scalp. May your string never break.
evil_burrito ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:58:58 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I choose to be the god of production systems. Very niche, but the prayers would be intense come Rollout Day.
66dude ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:59:10 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I'd be the god of lowering toilet seats in all the houses with female significant others. That'll save some relationships!
NOT_a_jive_turkey ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:59:10 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Pouring a glass of milk from the fridge. I could do that shit blindfolded in 5 seconds
Risin ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:59:10 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Forgetfulness. I'm already a legend in my group of friends, might as well put a twist on it and be worshipped as a deity.
Me: "BOW TO ME WHOEVER YOU ARE"
Peasant: "My name is Steve, you've meet me like 5 times"
Me: oh my bad Steve, sorry. I always remember faces but names are impossible."
Steve: "You are truly amazing Lord forgetfulness. I don't even know how you do it."
jratreddit ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:59:21 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I would be God of the Department of Motor Vehicles. Despite being an entry-level god position requiring no god experience, i would hold powerful sway over even the most successful and powerful gods every single time they needed to renew their license and registrations.
Balthanos ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:59:22 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I'd not mind being the god of vulgar language.
fubar2010 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:59:37 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I would be the God of hang nails
If you've been good then you don't get one, but if you've been a dick then you get one that rips to the knuckle.
aureus-geckota-bitan ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:59:38 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Verruca Gnome
blakester731 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:59:43 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of Reddit.
Thou shalt use the proper tags and proper subreddit, and the proper grammar to express thyself.
But all who spite, and disrespect, those trolls of unrighteousness
These shall be deleted into the outer darkness, and the gnashing of downvotes
But all who heed my voice and do my will shall be blessed with bountiful upvotes and a faithful relevance surpassing all understanding
myfreakingbad ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:59:47 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I would be the god of keeping your pillow cool. Pray to me now!
GENOCIDEGeorge ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:59:55 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)*
The God of random number generation.
I would love to be RNGesus.
Edit: scrolled down after posting to see that I was beaten to the punch. Dammit.
I shall be the God of posting too late in an Askreddit thread.
Pandabarrel ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:00:01 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I would be "the God of That Thing Where You're Just About To Sneeze But Then Your Friend is All "Hey, what's up?"And You Suddenly Freeze But Then You Still Have That Nose Tingle It's A Horrible Tease And You're Like "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK!!""
Cloudkiicker ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:00:12 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of Recovering from Awkward & Uncomfortable Moments.
bridymurphy ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:00:13 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Hair growth. I could strike you with baldness and give women beards or, if I'm in a good mood, give you a great hair day and make your hair grow in all the right places.
ichristyi ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:00:14 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I would be the goddess of good parking spaces.
3226 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:00:14 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The god of sign errors.
When you're doing a complicated maths problem, and somewhere along the way you drop a minus or don't change it when you shift something from one side of the equation to the other, and you end up with the wrong answer...
Fairly unimportant, but you'd get prayed to a lot by worried students.
Keltaith ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:00:17 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I'd be the god of ISPs. If you're in my grace Google Fiber will come to your area.
If I really hate you Google Fiber will come to your area and skip your block. You'll be in the land of perpetual Comcast.
MrVonDoome ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:00:20 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of Forgotten Lunches. I am a cruel god.
Simpicity ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:00:22 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Parking and cell reception. Now there's my goat, mortal?
redditless ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:00:24 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Pants.
captcarnage ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:00:26 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of Charlie Work.
Maybe_its_Cthulhu ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:00:36 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of grumbling stomachs.
luckymagnet ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:00:37 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Goddess of Parallel Parking. Sacrifice to me and I will get you parked in the tightest of city parking spots on the first try.
Sir_hugmealot ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:00:49 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The God of finding the things under the pc table when they fall
Spugnacious ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:00:54 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Waffles.
I'll have more followers than the catholic church by wednesday.
hahaijoinedreddit ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:00:57 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
rim jobs duh
DocsMildlyDislikeMe ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:01:01 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
ITT: Starbomb's "God of No More" rejected gods.
eagleblast ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:01:25 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of surprise $5 bills you find in that old jacket when you run out of other options.
moltenrock ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:01:26 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I'd roadie for KISS and the God of Thunder and be the God the girls prayed to hoping their "encounters" didn't leave them with the herp... Aka - the God of Blister.
Spacesquatch ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:01:28 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Belching. It brings relief, satisfaction, humor, and can be the source of honorable contest. It is also frequent and natural, ensuring my persistent if mediocre power.
TheWastelandWizard ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:01:31 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The god of a properly made pot of coffee, for I am the creator of some gourmet shit. Anger me, and my vengeance shall have your whole office bitchy and cranky.
audersaur ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:01:34 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Goddess of dog poop. May your dog's stool always be firm, fit into one bag, and only happen once per walk.
Unless you cross me. Then your dog will have runny stool, and the person whose yard he pooped in will be outside, watching you struggle to pick it all up.
pwise1234 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:01:37 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of the extra mile. When your low fuel light comes on and the gas station is pretty far away,pray to me and I will get you one more mile. No more, no less.
MrPocky14 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:01:41 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Giving a shit about the work you do on a daily basis. My blessings would include: good luck/carma in personal relationships Forgiveness of running late a couple times each year And pay increases and/or job opportunities to keep my practitioners from working below the poverty line. :-D
Edit: below, not before. Dumb phone.
IcameThenICame ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:01:43 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of 9-5 jobs
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:01:47 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Summoners Rift
Fwipp ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:01:47 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I am Fwipp, God of silly usernames. I inspire people to be creative, because your new identity at least needs to be catchy. Sure, add another T. Feel good about yourself. It's got to mean something... right?
Don't just add 3422 to the end, or I'll end up becoming 'god of this username is already taken'. Or worse. God of 'this password isn't secure enough'.
thelazyrunner ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:01:48 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I would be the god of Online Window-Shopping. For example, I would try and deal with the Rent and Gas gods for you to actually buy something every once in a while.
Kuwait_Drive_Yards ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:01:50 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I would be the mighty and vengeful god of mouse aim.
I would demand burnt sacrifices of still shrink wrapped video cards. Prayers must be in russian.
almightybob1 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:02:01 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of Excel. Everyone at work seems to already think I am anyway since I can do vlookups.
simkuring ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:02:02 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of Delivery,
for $15, i'll deliver your lunch, groceries, amazon purchase, gf, sickness, evil, goodluck, etc with my trustee quantum teleportation ability.
Mewkipz ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:02:04 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The Internet. You guys seem to have it under control so far. So far.
MRiley84 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:02:16 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I would be the god of lag. That way any time something goes wrong on the computer and someone says "god damn it", I'll damn it.
mrinvertigo ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:02:22 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I am the God uncracked pistachios. I insure you get at least 5 in every bag.
sidiousmalicious ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:02:33 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The god that ruins other gods' worshippers prayers/wishes/dreams, just like the reddit threads.
colm44 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:02:34 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of washing dishes. There is nothing I can say that can add on to this.
FOdderFigure ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:02:43 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Fuckyes...
The God of passwords, pray to me and you'll remember it correctly before you get locked out. Piss me off, you'll never figure out where you put the capital letter.
slapdash57 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:02:45 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Goddess of the clean wipe.
When you take a shit and wipe and there's nothing on the toilet paper, that was me blessing you.
thegreatbarcia ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:02:47 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I would choose to be the God of Breakfast Sandwiches. Much joy would I bring to every corner of the world with my breakfast sandwiches.
nimbletreefrog ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:02:47 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I'd be the God of Bacon. All bacon produced must first pass through my digestion system and I will take offerings of bacon rinds and any fat accumulated at the bottom of the grill/pan/plate etc.
Believe in me and I will guarantee thick slices of golden brown bacon. Defy me and I'll induce a stroke.
cjluthy ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:02:47 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Bacon
nitarrific ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:02:54 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Goddess of Household Budgeting. Appease me and your paychecks will last you through the month. Cross me and you'll come up short for your bills and live in a perpetual state of late payments.
I accept sacrifices of cash and/or credit. No personal checks.
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:03:01 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The god of cell signals where there should be none
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:03:03 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Behold, I am God of getting high on your own supply.
Myspacecutie69 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:03:22 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The God of Ramen flavor packets
rockmanreno ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:03:25 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of coffee running.
istoleyourcookie ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:03:27 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I am now the god of cell phone service. Displease me and you'll never have signal again!
beef-jerkey ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:03:27 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
god of the internet.
catfishsam13 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:03:32 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Staplers jamming!
clayism ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:03:37 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of the Commute! All the mortals of industrialized nations will be at my mercy.
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:03:46 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The God of Door Knobs....
help007 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:03:51 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Goddess of perfectly brewed black tea with just a touch of honey.
godofcake ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:03:52 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Just the God of Cake. Pretty simple really.
bamfbarber ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:03:56 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of propane and propane accessories.
ChronosHorse ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:03:56 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The god of Good Ideas. if you do not worship me you will have bad ideas or none at all!
carldkramer61 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:03:56 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I would be God of tabloids papers. Sit there make fun of people, photo shop women to look fat, and talk about pointless shit. Just to entertain people in grocery store lines.
martymcflown ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:03:57 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The God of Awkward Silences
Fudgekream01 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:04:02 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I'll become the God of pizza. Bring every flavor know to man.
alvaromateu ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:04:21 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of Fantasy Football
HarryStraddler ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:04:25 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The god of staleness. Worship me by sealing your chips/bread/cookies/etc and I'll reward you with fresh food. Anger me by only folding the chip bag once and using the shitty fridge magnet clip and I'll smite your chips so fast.
Vinven ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:04:26 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The god of checking reddit.
Shadowak47 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:04:26 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I believe it would have to be this guy here, bullshiticus http://i.imgur.com/sgITymz.jpg
TheWildRover_ ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:04:27 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I shall be the God responsible for tripping up people's tongues when they try to ask someone out.
"S-so, you.. work here don't you?? N-n-never mind..."
dorondoron ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:04:33 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The god of cleanliness. Pestilence couldn't touch me and if the god king defies me, I'll take away his cleanliness and no more epic women for him.
jerslan ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:04:38 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of the TPS Report.
Think about it. All I have to do is go around reminding people to use the new format, and then make them work weekends as penance!
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:04:42 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I'd be the God of untangling electrical wires. Then i'd get a promotion once wires become obsolete.
bokanovsky ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:04:46 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Writing thesis statements. Because I already do this enough to feel like Sisyphus.
Sojoez ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:04:47 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of pooping!
Indigestion? Hemorrhoids? Diarrhea? Food poisoning? Just give me a quick prayer and you will have the best shit possible. No more groaning at a truck stop or sweating at a friends house. It will be over quick, painlessly, and relatively odor free.
Even gods would worship me.
Got the idea last night when I spend a few agonizing hours on the toilet due to food poisoning.
Driftwood12 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:04:48 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I'd be the God of Meeting Friendly Dogs on the Street. You're having a bad day? BOOM next corner you turn, you'll cross paths with a dogwalker and their happy pack of pups.
joeshmoe2 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:04:49 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I would probably be the Left Lane/Fast Lane of the Highway, God. I would move those ignorant fucks, I mean, vehicles out of passing lane, against their will, so that all faster moving traffic would be able to move forward.
supersonic00712 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:04:52 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I'll take farts if no one else wants it.
LeanneHaligh ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:04:54 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Goddess of the stool. I shall be seated on a porcelain throne.
The1975ArcticHoodlum ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:04:54 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I would be the god of college debt.
Chawkinstein ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:04:57 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The God of mentioning Breaking Bad in conversation, I am Heisengod. When you feel it necessary to bring up BB, I am the one who talks! My arch nemesis, Hades as you will, is the God of The Wire. A respectful foe, but as his followers die off, I will prevail. This is not meth, this is science bitch. I am the one who visits your Mom in Alburqueue. And fuck Skyler. Also, Flynn is a way better name than Walter JR. You may praise me by rewatching scenes on YouTube and purchasing character bobble heads at your nearest comic con. You shall also adorn the walls of your college dorm room with many a Breaking Bad poster. Say my name!
Stenchr ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:05:04 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Being the god of vapor/steam sounds nice and relaxed. Everyone who vapes would pray to me haha.
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:05:08 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of accidentally kicking your cat across the room
Nerdtendo ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:05:23 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of the poorly timed quicksave. Anger me, and be forced to restart your 40+ hour save!
SparserLogic ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:05:23 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Tattoos.
I'd have the coolest people in the world worshiping me every day but I'd have no real power and nobody else would care that I exist.
Deenreka ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:05:32 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
In honor of my friend's DnD character who kept trying for godhood, I will become Halan'ten, lesser diety of poor planning and misfortune.
grandpasmoochie ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:05:34 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I would be the God of muscle gains.
Sacrifice your pain and sweat to me and I will bless you with dope traps. I require a regular sacrifice of shoulder shrugs, time, and effort, all in my temple: the gym.
YakMan2 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:05:42 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
"Entry level pantheon position, 3 years of minor deity experience required."
thesusquatch ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:05:42 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of the corners and objects you kick when youre not looking. Believe unto me and I shall make them an inch off in either direction
Elbows ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:05:53 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of Measuring Things Correctly on the First Try (PBOH)
putridfudge ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:05:56 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The God of Golden Toast.
Pray that you won't get burnt toast every morning.
JackieBoySlim ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:06:12 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Entry-level position? So you mean I'd need 3-5 years of experience of being a god with a Masters degree preferred?
the_bass_hole ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:06:17 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Porn searches
mixedupgaming ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:06:33 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I would be the god of pencil shapening. All the students would have to pray to me before sharpening or else their lead shall break.
Mid22 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:06:41 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I AM THE GOD OF IT ADMIN SYSTEMS
I have a feeling my followers would be extremely zealous
Kingcob7 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:06:43 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Ah Muzen Cab - God of Bees
omnipotentsquirrel ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:06:45 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of magic the gathering.
Meatslinger ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:06:58 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I would be Dysforiรกvola, the god of awkward discomfort.
My handiwork is evident in wicker furniture that creaks laboriously the moment you put your last 5 lbs of weight onto it, shirts that are just ever so slightly too tight around the stomach even though the shoulders are absolutely perfect, showers that have one clogged nozzle that sprays everywhere and a temperature knob that only ever goes between "too hot" and "too cold", and of course, empty pauses in conversation. Every once in a while, I like to make the whole room go silent right as someone tells the last line of a racist joke, or mentions an embarrassing medical condition.
greenaproncity ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:06:59 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I would be god of the extra squirt of pee when you think you're finished.
Hyonam ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:07:13 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of WiFi
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:07:16 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The God of Sensible Footwear
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:07:34 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Badfonts, god of typing and comic sans
Drogalov ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:07:35 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The god of earwax, you know when you get a really itchy earhole? That's me. My only decree? Nothing smaller than the tip of your elbow in there
notsoepicLLOYD ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:07:44 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I am the God of Tits and Wine.
rainbowsnivy ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:07:54 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Random number generators. Yeah, that includes any gambling machines or TV shows etc. etc.
The split between praise and hate would be hilarious.
QC_knight1824 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:07:59 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The god of avoiding spitting on your dick during a dip-shit. You're all very welcome!
MaintenanceTime ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:08:00 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Beds, I would make your sleep wonderful. But cross me and I'll make the spring pop up out of the mattress.
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:08:00 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
You know the sensation when music gives you chills? That's what I want to be the God of.
Ranzear ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:08:02 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Javascript.
fullmetal_cylon ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:08:06 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I would be the God of not being able to remember that thing, you know... That thing? I can't remember the name of it. It's on the tip of my tongue.
So basically I'd be an ass.
StenchLingermin ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:08:07 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of the traffic light. Pray to me and you will never even sniff a yellow on your way to work in the morning
cosmoski ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:08:12 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Grocery Shopping. The number one prayer: "Dear Grocery Shopping God, please let me choose the fastest checkout line."
cosmoski ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:08:26 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
or: "Dear Grocery Shopping god, please let me get through this trip without an awkward conversation with someone whose name I forgot."
Caridor ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:08:29 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of that thing that's on the tip of your tongue but you can't quite remember the name of.
Give unto me your prayers and the gift of knowledge shall be pushed out of the back and into the front of your mind! Forsake your worship of me and you shall be punished by having it bug the crap out of you all day!
Sekolah ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:08:35 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I would be the God of Yoga Pants, behold my gifts for butts so divine.
PuffinFluff ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:08:37 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I'd be the god of invasive thoughts. "Why don't I just push him into traffic man?"
hguhfthh ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:08:37 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
god of keyboard typing.
all keyboard warriors pray to me.
LadyKnightmare ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:08:38 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of Tinnitus
Pay homage to me by twisting a finger in your ear and saying "WHAT?!"
mylivingeulogy ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:08:45 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I will be the god of "I don't care", if you pray to me, when you ask your wife where she wants to eat and says I don't care, she will actually mean it!
GergSathoms ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:08:52 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The God of the DMV line. Bestow glory into me to renew your license in your lunch time allotment!
Hkaddict ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:09:01 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The god of lost socks. Be in my graces and never shall thy socks wander, reject me and lose thy socks to the eternal void of despair and suffering.
ToAbideIsDude ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:09:03 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Aniฬฑsychese God of Anxiety.
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:09:16 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of "eating hot food that burns your mouth but you're sooooo hungry"
Masterofstick ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:09:24 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Mechanical keyboards. CLACKCLACKCLACK
slicebypass ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:09:29 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of awkward silence during conversation. Worship me, and you won't have to worry about me.
Kyzzyxx ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:09:34 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of Gods.
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:09:34 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I'll be the god of unnecessary paperwork. If you're not in my favor, the DMV will not accept your two forms of ID, and your TPS report will never have the correct cover sheet.
BrotherofAllfather ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:09:55 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Coffee Roasting
Markodavo ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:09:56 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I would be the god of change (as in money). If you defy me, you are getting your change in 10 pence coins.
neverett5 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:10:00 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Weather or not you could find matching earrings.
I hear your prayers,
I just can't be bothered to help you look for them.
seiffer55 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:10:11 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I'd be the assistant to the god of inducting new gods...
Nisas ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:10:12 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of the word that was on the tip of your tongue and you've inexplicably forgotten. Offer your praise to me or you'll stumble over your sentences.
Sblooshy ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:10:19 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of sticky floors.
carldkramer61 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:10:21 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of 15% battery life left. I'd be everywhere
JadeScar ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:10:27 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
HANDWASHING > We RUB our hands in glee for you.
Jake0fTrades ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:10:33 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Jacob, lord of the Snooze Button!
puss_parkerswidow ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:10:41 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The Goddess of Lost keys.
tiajuanat ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:10:47 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I'd be the god of cellphone reception. If you pray hard enough, you'll still get coverage 15 minutes away from the highway.
apxq12 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:10:53 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I want to be the god Lies and manipulation....it's got a nice ring to it, I think...
Cognoggin ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:11:16 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The god of shiney teeth
TheLoneGreyWolf ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:11:18 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of choosing what to wear. I find fashion so confusing.
TheLoneGreyWolf ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:11:20 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of choosing what to wear. I find fashion so confusing.
LadyTeresaAtala ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:11:23 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Goddess of stray cats and dogs
witlessusername ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:11:42 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Procrastination.
signalpower ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:11:43 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I would be the god of signal power. When you give your devotion to me you shall have slightly better coverage then other people on any devices which use radio signals, like radios, cell phones, etc.
hodorsky73 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:11:55 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The God of the Missing Sock. Mwaaha ha!
ZDTreefur ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:12:02 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Just let me be god of gossip. I'll collect enough power to rule in no time! MUAhahahahaha!!!!
...or god of farts, I guess.
tofo90 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:12:06 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Greek Pantheon?
Paternity testing department
NuclearQueen ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:12:13 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of shoelaces.
May your laces never come Untied when you don't want them to, and always be at the perfect level of tightness.
xTuna74x ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:12:31 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I think you guys are forgetting an important detail, this entry level position requires 2-3 years of pervious god experience, you absolutly must uave worked with godtech 3.0 for at least 1 of those 3 years, and a masters in godology is prefered. Now if you meet all those requirements the gods will gladly let you interview, but once you get to the interview you'll find out that you only get the salary of a demigod. Yeah thats right you're being offered the exact same wage as Hercules, nevermind that you are far more qualified then some half mortal and that masters program actually puts you're education above zeus himself. So yeah their yah go TL;DR i would be the god of shitty job requirements
avee10 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:12:37 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
the fuรbol gott
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:12:41 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
jacking
Hawkonthehill ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:12:41 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of the morning commute. I feed off thy hate.
JWson ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:12:43 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I'd be the god of egg pealability. If you shower me with praise and offerings, i'll make your eggs easy to peel.
Espyryora ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:12:44 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I would become the god of "I hope I'm/she's not pregnant". The sheer amount of fervor with which my subjects pray will increase my powers exponentially. I would then use my increased might to subjugate lesser domains such as "This milk will still be good even though it's well passed it's sell-by date" and "please let this test only cover the section I read". I will then climb my way through the ranks of the divine, gaining followers and favor until I finally have enough power to encroach on the Greek and Egyptians pantheons, and all folk dieties. Finally I will March on the halls of Valhalla, and just like... chill there and get wasted.
puloko ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:12:45 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
the god of the pebbles that randomly end up in your shoes
Rose_Entity ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:12:57 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Goddess of the insects. Lately, that's what I've been defending :-) let nature rule...
neurotoxxin ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:13:03 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I would be the god of papercuts. I sprinkle a special blend of underworld salt on the fresh wounds so they sting so much more.
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:13:09 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Cheese. Which includes the moon.
hairyerectus ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:13:20 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I would be the god who decides whether your fart will smell and whether or not it will make a noise. Appease me and you will never have to worry about holding one in while sneezing, cross me and feel the wrath of my sharts.
TheYETI72 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:13:20 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I would be the god of procrastinating
amacdvt ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:13:22 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of Sporting Outcomes I get to decide which way last second plays in sporting events play out. But for all sports, which means I have to watch lots of drunk softball leagues.
Megashaker ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:13:26 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The God of bathroom availability. Worship me and the stall will be available.
Strongbow05 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:13:26 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of Terrible Timing.
"Hey Zeus, I have a message from Hera that...oh, I'll wait till you're done with that nymph. Sorry sir, Hermes should have trained me better."
geekgentleman ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:13:29 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The god of Reddit. Or, at the very least, the god of the sub-reddit /r/AskReddit.
DominoMotherfucker ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:13:31 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of opening the microwave door in that magical moment where the timer reads zero but it hasn't beeped yet.
BogusNL ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:13:32 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The god that makes shit posts like this on reddit go away.
serbeardless ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:13:40 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Upvoting.
"Good form, sir! I shall upvote thee!"
"Hah! What a garbage post. The God of Upvotes spurns thee!"
Wickett6029 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:13:41 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
wishful thinking.
oh wait....that would be king.
Shyftyy ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:13:43 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of microwave countdowns. may you press the button at 00:00 but before the beep.
CaptainJaXon ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:13:46 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of Acinonyx.
These are the cats that are Cheetahs. They aren't "big cats" (Panthera) or "small cats" (Felis), they are in their own super cool group. Cheetahs are the only non-extinct animal in this genus (small amount of things to keep up with, but big area to prove myself).
I was umder the impression that Acinonyx was more unique but agter going to Wikipedia it looks like there's more genuses that I thought of cats and others may also be the only in their genus. Since I already knew this about Cheetahs I'm a good candidate.
Coalesced ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:13:58 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I'd work in the office of Regret, child of Memory and Sadness. I'd be the functionary in charge of Remembering Good Things That Are Gone. The only tributes I accept are alcohol-tinged-smiles and wistful sighs.
SnapJ92 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:14:00 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The God of clerical work. I want to watch the going abouts of office business in chaos and quietly chuckle.
DayNightWalker ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:14:12 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of phone battery life. Have you been an asshole? Looks like your phone is going to die after 30 minutes of web browsing. Did you donate to charity? You can stream video for 48 hours on a single charge.
NinthNova ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:14:20 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
There's a tabletop roleplaying game called Part-Time Gods that I GM.
This thread is giving me all the ideas.
MrLeemo ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:14:20 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The God of cleaning your ears with Q-tips
DOUG_UNFUNNY ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:14:25 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Social media.
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:14:29 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I wouldn't mind being the God Of Probability, You know what are the chances I'll win the Lotto? :)
UberCamm ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:14:39 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I'd be in charge of whether or not a chair breaks when you sit on it.
xXZHeatWaveZXx ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:14:40 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Shameless promotion to Starbomb.
Enthused_Llama ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:14:49 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of Forgetting Shit When You Walk Into Another Room.
Make enough offerings and I'll increase your productivity.
Swardington ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:14:50 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Time management. When the blessed do some mindless activity while waiting for something, the time will pass quickly and yet they will not be late. While the cursed would always end up with, "I'll read a little reddit before going to bed... What it's 6am?!"
holololololden ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:15:16 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The god of a decent day at work. Pray to me and it will never be too slow or too busy again; all clients will respectfully get what they desire and we shall all return home with a reasonable bounty!
narcissist523 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:15:19 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I'd be the god of borrowing the lighter from your friend who smokes but not returning it.
SeattleThrownAway ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:15:27 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I am the god of pencil sharpeners. It is within my power to determine if you get a nice sharp point on your pencil or a dull edge.
I_PMED_YOUR_MOM ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:15:27 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I am Herald of Gentles Breezes that Uplifts Sundress/Skirts. Thank me for the panty shot on a breezy day or curse me if you have been on the receiving end. Hey, it offers good benefits and pays the bills, I mean someones got to do it.
Imissyourgirlfriend2 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:15:34 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I will be the god of determining who goes first at a 4 way stop.
aaronallsop ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:15:34 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Relevant
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Zuyus6NpfK4
Miresnare ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:15:40 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of the one second programmer "holy shit!" moment when you know you've screwed up and there's fuck all you can do to fix it but admit it.
I am not a merciful god...
koavf ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:15:48 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
This is similar to the premise of Vext
Joe1972 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:15:59 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of Mosquito killing
uberguby ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:16:10 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Im in charge of bringing the nectar and ambrosia to the tables. My buddy is a service processor for people who anger the Gods
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:16:33 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The God of Peaceful Bowel Movements. Ensuring that every time you have to go take a dump, it goes out swiftly, smoothly and with no pain.
Akiva2112 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:16:35 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I'll be the god of bacon. (Porkis) if you will. Pray to me and however you like your bacon cooked it will come out perfect. Also the aroma will be as intoxicating as pure ambrosia
Damasticator ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:16:49 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of Neck and Back Cracking.
My mortal scribe is Chiropracticles.
GenerallyHarmless ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:16:56 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I would be the god that every time you recall a useless but upsetting event or a conversation for no reason, from 5 or 10 or 20 years prior - who brings you comfort in knowing that it actually does NOT FUCKING MATTER and you are okay now.
chaossabre ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:16:59 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Proper whitespacing in source code.
Artisanal_Cat_Loaf ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:17:00 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
ZeusDeuce: God of Maybe Its a FartAeoSC ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:17:01 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I'll be Ban Horse Plague and take care of the stables.
haplogreenleaf ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:17:05 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of correct capitalization, spelling, and formatting in programming code. Only those that can successfully format $h4lp0.gr33n;l34F every time over thousands of lines of code can earn my grace.
Note: make your objects simpler, so you don't have to pull this mess.
Baltowolf ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:17:06 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I would be the god of peeing.
Addictedtotacobell ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:17:08 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Im really good at sleeping in! And eating taco bell...
darklordofska ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:17:16 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The God of toes stubbed on furniture. I shall move your furniture just the right distance for you to stub your toe and as soon as you look I move it back to where it was, you will never escape.
Skywarp79 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:17:19 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Bully Karma. I'd enjoy it. Probably to the point where I embody the cliche of becoming the monster you're fighting against.
NuclearShadow ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:17:23 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I'll be the god of modern activism. Controlling which hashtag movements thrive and die. Inspiring messages to be written on a piece of paper and taking a photo of it instead of actually discussing one's thoughts and ideas. Having both sides of every issue just boil down to personal insults, threats, and doxing rather than actually engaging each other.
So basically I would just keep the status quo. Because watching how pathetic young activists are today is just too damn amusing.
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:17:33 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The God of Lost Remotes
Can't find your remote? Pray to me and I'll zoom and let you know that it's under your chair. If I do well, soon maybe I'll get promoted to being able to find lost phones as well
SynthReBorn ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:17:48 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of WiFi.
Pray to I, and thou shalt never be without WiFi(full bars/strong signal/maximum output for your device). No matter where you're located(other dimensions/planes of existence are negotiable), no matter what material obstructs you/your device, you'll never have to fear not being able to post selfies to social media, play games online with friends, or stream movies!
However, curse me and I'll make sure your devices are nothing more than expensive paper weights. Although, I guess you could always go with another "entity", that will rob you blind because they're the only other one available...
daredaki-sama ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:17:59 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Waking up at 3am and trying to go back to sleep.
Meatt ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:18:04 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Stubbing your toe. Ya, be nice to me.
atlgeek007 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:18:15 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Pizza
Edit: Or Sweet Tea. I'll be the god of sweet tea.
Sigourn ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:18:20 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of Flush After Using The Toilet, or Fautt.
"Praise Fautt", people say after they find the toilet in mint condition when entering a roadside gas station's bathroom.
crashsuit ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:18:25 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of There Always Being Toilet Paper in the Stall When You Really Have to Poo
Sir_Shitlord_focker ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:18:49 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I want to be the God of weed
lhassell ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:18:54 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of Connection Speed... I shall make of Netflix a crystal-clear picture, and thy emails ever swift, amen... ;)
NightEmber79 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:18:54 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
god of shell scripts. I can eventually replace all of the other minor gods with about 60 lines of code. But the kernel is still lord.
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:19:14 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of Quantum Mechanics. I can make things both happen and not happen at the same time.
midwestrider ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:19:15 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Extension cords. Bow before me, enabler of power to anywhere within 60 ft. of a grounded outlet.
DrSmeve ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:19:15 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The god of pouring the exact amount of milk into the cereal bowl.
Zoidfarbb ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:19:18 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of song lyrics. Pray to me and you can get the finish the song loop that's stuck in your head
MerlinRex ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:19:20 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I'd be the god of highdeas, those ideas that just shouldn't be normal.
Bonesplitter ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:19:26 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Taxes.
I am become Certainty, stealer of money.
zapata131 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:19:33 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
WiFilopochtili, the aztec god of wireless internet.
Thefeature ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:19:45 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I would be the God of High Fives.
There would be up highs and down lows but if you live a virtuous life there will never be any too slows.
dynamojoe ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:19:47 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I'm the god of yellow lights. If you find yourself in my favor you'll be granted safe passage through annoying intersections. I am a jealous god and will smite you if you use the turn lane or emergency lane rudely.
d3r3k1449 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:19:55 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The god of greenhouse gas. I can change methane and CO2 etc to oxygen if you sacrifice a human who has displeased me. Fear not, there are plenty.
aerospace91 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:20:15 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The god of Resting Bitch Face
1zigiz1 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:20:20 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of the wifi signal.
If you pray to me I will give you just enough signal to send that message or finish that hearthstone game.
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:20:29 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I'd be the god of waking you up exactly 1 minute before your alarm goes off, so that it will feel as if you didn't get all the sleep you wanted.
OwenMerlock ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:20:34 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I am Beelzebub, Lord of Shit. I am the god your bowel movements, diarrhea, and privileged white males.
hoochiscrazy_ ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:20:37 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The small things
Boatman666 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:20:44 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Touch Screens, mundane but ubiquitous.
King_Poseidon ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:20:58 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Huh. Well, this is awkward.
mmm_bearhugs ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:21:00 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I'd take God of conflict mediation. Too many stories about Gods getting jealous and cursing mortals or messin' with each other. I'd step in all the time and de-escalate with a resounding: "Fellow Gods, why can't we all just get along?"
Jedi_Outcast ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:21:04 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I'll be Cygnus the God of Balance.
You know the balances you used in high school or college?
Me baby.
Me.
increduloushyperbole ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:21:10 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I'd be the god of wipe-less shits.
As a man with a hairy ass, the occasional wipe-less shit defies the laws of nature, and I'm never anything but thankful.
Rambo_Brit3 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:21:19 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of giving you the huevos to talk to that chick or dude you like, but are too chicken shit to bother saying "hi" to.
eshemuta ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:21:21 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I would be the God of Typing in Unix commands without making a type that wrecks the system.
illegalt3nder ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:21:26 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Helping women transition from their awkward teen years into being confident, healthy women in their early 20s.
steveinbuffalo ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:21:26 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The God of Socks.. I would guard them from the thing in the dryer that eats just one of each pair.
anavrinman ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:21:30 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
DO NOT BE THE CUP BEARER
imrlybord7 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:21:36 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Procrastination. If you put off your god duties you're just living up to the title.
theonewhoknots ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:21:42 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Easy! God of toilet paper. I will provide anything from single ply to triple ply. If you cross me I will make sure the dispenser is jammed or empty. If I'm in a bad mood I'll just give you the stuff that just smears the shit all over your ass.
Turbatron ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:21:45 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Misspelling... to change recorded documents of God's I don't like.
Tajjri ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:21:49 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of Network Ratings. I decide whether the top executives will take away the show you love to put on another really shitty show that never panders to your demographic or if it will stay on for another season even though no one in your circle watches or talks about it.
Abadatha ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:21:52 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
ctrl + F. Corgi
No. Ok. I'm the god of Corgis, and I'm so very pleased about it.
JustMe4455 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:21:52 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I want to be god of road karma. Every time someone cuts someone off dangerously to shave 41.5 seconds off their commute. BANG. Karma. You get stuck behind a cement truck with a driver that isn't quite sure how to use a stick shift. Every time you camp the left lane while pacing the car next to you. BANG. Karma. Jehovah's Witnesses are waiting for you in your driveway blocking your garage and won't leave until you hear their "message".
Canadian_Infidel ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:21:53 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Vending machines.
LordAnon5703 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:21:54 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of Salt. Those that are salty would pray for their enemies to be inconvenienced slightly or for their own saltiness to dissipate. I would also be the patron deity of the Passive-Aggressive.
Fancy_Pantsu ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:21:56 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of waking up on time on days you forgot to set your alarm.
hereata ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:22:11 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of public transportation. Pray to me and your bus will be on time, or exactly at the time you arrive at the bus stop.
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:22:14 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God that the little kids going to school pray to whenever their mom licks her thumb and rubs something off their face right in front of everyone.
LittleWannaBeJohn ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:22:19 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Goddess of clean floors. If you walk on it after I mopped on it, you get mop water in your coffee mug. If I notice you go out of your way to walk on freshly mopped floor then you gain office gossip.
Fyreffect ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:22:24 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The god of blowing noses. I would ensure every nose was squeaky clean afterward with no leftover boogers, snot or tickley hairs.
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:22:30 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The God of masturbation. Men who worship me and warm my favor gain the power of the infinite boner/orgasm. Women who worship me and earn my favor are bestowed the divine dildo of infinite orgasm.
smilenowgirl ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:22:36 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The God of hiccups. Now we'll have something to say to people when they hiccup: my name. Possibly followed by "Bless You."
Grixxlyadams ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:22:37 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Quality footwear
MrPants17 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:22:47 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I would be the God of No-Wipers. Kneel before me and I may grace your bowel movements with surprisingly swift and easy cleanup!
HiImParadox ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:22:57 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The goddess of sneezing. At least I'll get a small amount of pleasure queuing them in when people are driving, or going in for a kiss.
joseycuervo ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:23:15 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Flossing.
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:23:15 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I would have power over everyone's farts.
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:23:24 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Or I'd be the god of stopping a sneeze that you want to happen.
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:23:28 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The God of traffic jams. Pray to me and if I'm in a good mood your trip or daily commute will be traffic free. Anger me...no seriously...do it and see what happens. You'll grow old and die in your fucking car I swear it.
Powerism ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:23:28 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of Silent Farts
Pray to me and that ripe odor of decaying vegetables will be a mystery to all.
doriankendel2 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:23:31 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)*
god of sql optimization.
edit: typo
fourdaytime ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:23:35 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of the Internet!
Da_Porta ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:23:38 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of printers
GoodGodKirk ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:23:40 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I would be the God of Internet Stupidity. Records of your stupidity will last forever on the internet and I will ensure that.
HeadcrabKirby ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:23:44 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
A lot of these comments could be summed up as "IT WAS ME BARRY, ME!"
UnfilteredWorder ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:23:47 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of Flips. It's now up to me whether you land safe, get hurt, or ever even land.
unfamemonster ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:23:48 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The God of Roll. When you're playing disc golf and your disc hits the ground and starts to roll, I am the one that decides if it will curve towards the hole or away from it. If you really piss me off, I'll make sure it keeps rolling all the way down that hill just past the green
puerh_lover ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:23:55 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I see tea hasn't been taking yet. I am now the God of tea. Bow your palates before me!!!
LibertyIsNotFree ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:23:55 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The God of Reboot.
I get to decide whether your byzantine problem is fixed or not.
Bow down mortals
Bichifio ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:23:58 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The god behind the gesture of caressing your own beard. It's just cool.
Paraxom ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:24:03 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
god of video game RNG, interning under Hades
or
the god of random windy day upskirts, interning under Zeus
thebakergirl ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:24:08 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Cashiers.
I WILL DESCEND UPON THE SPITEFUL AND SMUG CUSTOMERS AND PASS BLESSINGS UNTO THE GOOD AND PATIENT CASHIERS.
crazycraig134 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:24:14 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Grass
-zygomaticarch- ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:24:14 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Goddess of heart break and break ups. Popular among: - Mistresses/male equivalent
- People who are stuck in a dead end relationship - People who want a fast recovery after being dumped - One direction haters
Revolver_Camelot ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:24:21 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Can I be the God of that feeling you get when you walk out of a store without buying anything and you feel guilty even though you did nothing wrong?
Archengo ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:24:21 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The God of traffic lights, in my favour all shall be green, dance with the devil and red you shall see
MonkeyTigerRider ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:24:24 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Depends. Either I will be the benevolent God of Successful Computer Reboots and OS Installations. Or if you fail to please me I will be the Demon of Crashes aka Ringleader of Death aka Bitch of Sod. The 404 of Life.
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:24:38 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of deleting something off the internet. I am not a merciful god.
bucajack ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:24:44 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The God of Subway Etiquette. I'll make sure people wait until you get off before trying to push past you, give up their seats for the elderly and pregnant, take their backpacks off in crowded trains and generally be nice commuters.
TeddyDaBear ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:24:56 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I will be the God of Network Connectivity. You shall call upon me to have a stable, good, or cheap Internet connection (pick 2). I may even bless you with all 3 if the sacrifice merits.
robitusinz ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:24:58 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I am the god of email. Whenever you send an email, you ask for my hello to ensure it arrives. If you don't want to receive a certain email, you pray to me and I delete it off the server, letting you use the "never got the email" excuse.
Quaaraaq ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:25:01 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The god of dead batteries, pray to me and you'll get that extra 5 min you need when the charge is on 0%.
sambaranoff ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:25:01 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
It'll be my responsibility to cover your ears when your alarm goes off in the morning, making you oversleep
they_see_me_lurkin ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:25:10 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I would be the god of burned tongues and mouth roofs. It would my whim that decides just when you burn your mouth from eating soup.
Wilddogette ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:25:15 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I am the god of tea.
Mortals who do not let their tea brew shall be severely punished. I shall tolerate the various methods of making the tea and the different ways it is consumed.
Now stick the kettle on.
tigs44 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:25:16 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I would be the god of getting the last bit of shampoo out of the bottle. if youre sure there is a few squeezes left, better make sure and send me a prayer in the form of vigorous bottle smacking.
Eponia ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:25:19 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Goddess of the snooze button. Every time some one hits snooze is a tiny prayer to me.
mathyu1010 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:25:21 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I choose to be Onetee: God of Exact Change- whenever you go to a store and have the exact change, that's my doing. You're welcome. If you appreciate it, then on the days that you don't have exact change and are forced to break a bill, then you can feel free to donate a portion of your change to my shrine (coming soon pending donations).
Duzzeno ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:25:25 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Duzzeno, god of the morning coffee
Coast_watcher ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:25:26 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Virgins
giveitago ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:25:26 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of making sure that your melons are perfectly ripe, bow down to me.
crayfisher ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:25:29 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Working hard.
duckmurderer ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:25:34 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I AM THE GOD OF PUBLIC RESTROOM CLEANLINESS! APPEASE ME MORTALS!
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:25:38 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of nouns. When the name of something is on the tip of your tongue but you can't remember what it is. I choose when you remember.
EclecticallySound ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:25:53 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of customer service. If you fuck with me your fries will be cold and half filled.
xxkoloblicinxx ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:25:54 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The god of boredom.
NorthernBrink ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:26:06 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The god of going into a room to grab something and then forgetting why you went there in the first place and leaving without grabbing the thing.
jxe1104 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:26:08 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of self pleasuring
IrisGoddamnIllych ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:26:10 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Either remembering your dreams really well or forgetting where you put your scissors.
sufferpuppet ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:26:24 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The god of: "That asshole on a bike riding uphill with cars piling up behind him."
If you anger me you'll get stuck behind that guy whenever you are late for something.
Realinternetpoints ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:26:24 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of spreading butter across a waffle so that every square gets an equal amount of butter!
werelock ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:26:27 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The God of Sweets.
Except maybe Jolly ranchers...
Dogemaster ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:26:28 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of government gridlock. I am the reason your governments always seem to get absolutely nothing done
Frayed_Shoelaces ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:26:33 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Shoelaces.
4thBG ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:26:34 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I would make myself Thaw, god of rear car window heaters.
berryblackwater ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:26:45 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The god of mildly pleasant odors. Worship me and you will be blesses with the scent of cinnamon buns? no not quite that, kind of an earthy, tangy smell? No not quite... its like a combination of the color blue and what you might imagine a brass bell might sound like... except with a hint of lime and the smell of dryer lint.
toooldforusernames ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:26:49 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Simon, God of Hairdos
LetUsExplore ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:26:59 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of folding chip bags well so that the chips don't go stale a day after being opened. I also work with cereal bags.
m3rrickj2k ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:27:09 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I am the fucking God of cursing.
None of these motherfuckers gives a shit about me, but I'm gonna make them. One damn day.
AnOnionsOpinion ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:27:18 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I would be the god of "that one guy in that movie with that one chick ... you know... that one guy"
I am a scourge to movie goers everywhere. Feeding on the failed memories pertaining to character actors.
yocyrus ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:27:32 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of the last sheet of toilet paper.
Pray unto me and have a new fresh roll ready, betray me and wipe your poo with your hand
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:27:32 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of the small ponds, apple pie, certain types of ice cream, and short bits of string.
TheDoNothings ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:27:33 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Sleep, because everyone wants me :P
criticalbuzz ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:27:33 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Assistant God to the Traveling God
aphrozeus ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:27:42 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of Toilet Paper.
Live a virtuous life and you will never find yourself yelling for your roommate to toss you some.
Highside79 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:27:55 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of things that stop working even if you don't use them and find out about it at the least convenient time. You know that flashlight in the top junk drawer? Yeah, it doesn't work, you can even put new batteries in it and it still wont work. You'll find out when the power goes out.
Yeah, that condom in your wallet? Its not expired, but it turned to dust last week. You'll find out when Cheryl finally lets you take you walk her home after work.
That last cigarette in the pack? All the goods are going to slip out of the end for no fucking reason at all. Its going to happen at 3 am after a night of hard drinking and you finally got home.
OrangeDit ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:27:57 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of Reddit.
DocDerry ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:28:01 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I want to be the god of impediment. People driving slow in the passing lane. People walking slowly ahead of you in the mall. The god of inconvenience and impediment.
zoomermel ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:28:08 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Pray to the all powerful, all mighty, god of blessing hearts.
DO NOT request blessing for your own heart, you must request the blessing for another by repeating,
"Bless his/her/your heart."
OIL_COMPANY_SHILL ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:28:08 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of the porcelain throne.
Make me angry? I'll guarantee that when you've gotta go that there will be a long line, the last person will make a mess all over the toilet and also have released a buttacular holocaust against your nasal passages.
JH456 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:28:13 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of printers and fax machines. SPITE ME AND I SHALL CURSE THEE WITH A PAPER JAM. Revere me and your ink cartridges will sometimes be 10% off.
Tabtykins ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:28:17 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I like one of Terry Pratchett's. Anoia the goddess of things that get stuck in drawers.
obihave ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:28:27 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The god of tits and wine
BdAzMoFo ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:28:50 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of Brooms. I live in a shed in the woods. Carving handles by hand and gathering wild grasses. I have the abilities to start fires and move without leaving traces. I move about the Earth spreading order and I am attracted to Chaos.
ryanjoey91 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:29:06 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of awkward situations
BronzeEnt ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:29:13 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The God of Pouring Things From A Pitcher.
Every time it ran down the side of the pitcher instead of going into the glass, it was because you displeased me.
honestbe4noon ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:29:14 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Sorry, you need three years of relevant experience for this position. NEXT!
DrRobertson ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:29:16 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Bilious the Oh God of Hangovers.
GNU Terry Pratchett.
Shadowmael ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:29:17 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The God of Questionably Expired Foods.
A nice sacrifice will mean the difference between smooth delicious milk or chunks of doom when you make a bowl of cereal for yourself.
Also crunchy potato chips or insolation replacement.
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:29:18 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Turn Signals.
VulpesFennekin ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:29:20 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I'm the one you pray to if you don't want your earbud wires mysteriously tangled up.
PringlessS ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:29:21 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)*
You shall call me the God of waiting lines.
If you are in a rush implore and you shall switch lines without seeing your old lanes moving faster than your new one...
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:29:22 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I am R.N.G.esus. any dice roll, or random number generation provided by software or otherwise will be based on my will. R.N.G.esus be praised!
CalebthePitFiend ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:29:27 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
the diety of keeping shoes on.
Loosely tied tennis shoes, sandles, flip-flops, even the abominations known as crocs shall stayed firmly attached to your feet so long as you paid me proper devotion of 1 kit-kat a month.
RADIOSILENCE187 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:29:46 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of kitten tummy rubs :3
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:29:47 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of shaving. Everyone does it and once in a while I get a small blood sacrifice.
wanking_to_got ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:29:49 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Weed
GrumpyFinn ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:29:50 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Boiling rice in a normal saucepan.
Coogcheese ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:29:52 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of causing the inside of your nose to tickle but not enough to cause you to sneeze.
AllUncertain ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:30:06 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The god of static dust accumulation on TV and computer screens.
skrilly01 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:30:17 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of wifi.
Depending on how much I like you determines how good your signal is.
quantum_pencil ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:30:37 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The GOD of Chuckling. Imagine it. PRAISE ME MORTAL, and I will make your enemies lives miserable!
"Honey, does this make me look fat?" chuckle
"Our Glorious LEADER! Kim Jung-Un has stubbed his toe!" chuckle
"Black Lives Matter!" chuckle
"No baby, I DO love you!" chuckle
"No, there are no WMDs in this building!" chuckle
"Oh, honey, it's the biggest I've ever seen!" chuckle
hogwarts5972 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:30:46 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The god of tits and whine. What's better than little birds and complaining?
Mwahaaaa_The_French ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:30:47 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Bacchus' wingman.
RebeccaSays ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:31:02 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The Goddess of Small Decisions, pray to me and your girlfriend will pick a restaurant.
Eruanno ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:31:06 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I'll be the god of custard. Just... Custard. You know.
Swinetrek ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:31:07 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The God of toilet paper.
ModernMyth ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 17:40:40 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I already worship thee with aloe infused TP!
Swinetrek ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:07:05 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
May you be blessed with sheets that are both strong and soft. And may your first wipe leave nothing behind.
But for those who earn the wrath of the tpg?
Axoren ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:31:15 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The passage of gas. You don't realize how bad it is when you're holding it in at that meeting, on that date, at that funeral. You're at my mercy when it comes down to it. If you follow the righteous path that I've laid out for you like the winding road of the colon, then you will bear my graces. When constipated, I'll grant you that momentary relief while you continue your battle in the bowels.
But if you are corrupt of heart and weak of diet, I will fill you with my rancid wrath and unleash it ten-fold. I will call down a plague of ridicule and shame, every first impression will be a bad one, and every room will stink of your sins.
I am the Fart God.
senorglory ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:31:18 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
typing.
HanaNotBanana ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:32:05 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Baked goods
masterkenji ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:32:09 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of compilation videos with new interesting content that you spend hours watching. Every hour you watch my strength grows!
KillerColour ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:32:10 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of Drunk Messaging.
After adequate imbibing in my name, all of your drunk messages will have the intended effect. Wanna tell your manager how much of a douche? All of the sudden he respects your honesty. Feel like telling that cute girl at work you want to taste her asshole? Turns out she's way into that.
BibidiPhoo ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:32:15 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Parking. I already pray to her on a regular basis and she is good to me, oh yes she is, PRAISE BE!
She, in her ultimate wisdom has blessed me with multiple "near the door" spots on crowded days, poop-free parking under trees. Most recently she allowed me parking on the second floor of the parking garage at work, right near the staircase, as opposed to my usual place of worship in the 4th floor ramp.
There are times when I am reminded that I am but a simple mortal, where I must pay penance and walk the 5 minutes to my destination but in those moments I am thankful. I look up to her and thank her for her many pleadings and pray that others less fortunate can see her glory, and that those who see her blessings and squander them may someday feel her wrath.
twistedsapphire ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:32:27 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Goddess of Last-Straw moments.
When your purse gets caught in the doorknob... When you're holding just too many things while trying to unlock your door... When you take a slight misstep on the top step of the stairs to your apartment...
Pray to me, and I MIGHT not ruin your entire day.
BasementSkin ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:32:30 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The god of missing socks.
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:33:04 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I am Flipt, the God of that things guys do when changing boxers where you just drop 'em to the floor and then flip them up and catch them in your hand. Make worthy devotions and offerings to me, and ye shall be blessed with that minute feeling of being a total badass. Fail in this charge, and I shall rain upon ye a thousand days of soul-crushing 6AM failures.
The choice is yours, disciples.
Microscopic_God ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:33:15 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I am God of the Microscopic.
weirdpolice ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:33:18 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The god of undead spirits.. I'd release them all from captivity as their Savior and command them to help me become the President.. then I'd take over DC and destroy the Fed Reserve
thejabber ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:33:21 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of one night stands.
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:33:33 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of accidents. I'd snap my fingers and rearrange the world.
dhampumal ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:33:51 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Waking up to Alarm Clocks! Total chaos or order all depending on my whims...
epring ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:33:51 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The God of Charged Phones, pray to me and I'll keep your phone running all day, don't pray to me and you'll be lost without a working phone.
bananasarehealthy ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:33:56 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Cooking, i'm not even a good cook but i like good food and i think people would offer a lot of good food to the god of cooking.
headphones_J ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:33:58 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of yawns.
Blessed be those who pray to the God of yawns. May they not have bugs fly in, or pictures taken while their mouths are agape.
pointyhead88 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:34:08 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of fasteners.
Belt buckles. Shoelaces. Door latches. Screws and nails. If it holds stuff together it's me.
Defy me and your pants will not unbutton for sexy time, or during your next bout of intestinal distress.
Jamison08 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:34:10 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Bullshitticus. The patron god of procrastination and college essays.
I saw it somewhere once and immediately thought it was my spirit animal.
phearoids44 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:34:18 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of junk mail
Praise be onto me, worship me and I'll start misplacing some of it Mock me and i'll overstuff your apartment's tiny mail slot.
unicornyjoke ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:34:21 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of Potato Salad
boopbeepboopbeep ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:34:32 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I will be the god of the passing lane! Follow my footsteps, and pray to me and I shall grant you unobstructed passage through the passing lane on any multiple lane road. Your travel will be pleasant, swift, and righteous!
Anger me and I shall smite thou with a pair of drivers going bellow the speed limit! One will accelerate slightly more than their companion, and just as he's about to unblock traffic he will slow down and match speeds with his partner yet again.
Moderate_Third_Party ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:34:32 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Practical Jokes.
Tireseas ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:34:34 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The god of misplaced semicolons, bane of the existence of every programmer and sysadmin on the planet. I would demand sacrifices of the sacred caffeine every morning and the occasional ritual LARTing.
heteroalien ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:34:36 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
god of polite greeting
Giraffozilla ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:34:36 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
the god of making quite witty responses that people only hear 1% of
EDIT: forgot a word
Youtube_Enlightened ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:34:36 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
When you poop so smooth you don't need to wipe.
AugustBurnsRadish ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:34:43 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Farts. Y'know, those ones where you get the worst stomach cramps imaginable and there's that chance that it might be just more than a fart coming out when you release. If I'm nice, its just gonna be air. Maybe with a hilarious noise if I'm in a pleasant mood.
But piss me off, and all hell breaks loose. You'd better be wearing brown pants, buddy.
Rasalom ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:34:44 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)*
I am the god of Spicy Buttholes. After you eat spicy food, I remind you of your place in the World. Tough enough to eat the pepper and shed not a tear, surely, but can you handle tomorrow and having no tongue down there?
gabrielcrim ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:34:46 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I'd be the God of not being prepared for a sunny day and getting hit with that mild pain before adjusting. When your response is "Jesus! that's bright" I get a little annoyed and make it mildly more shocking the next time you experience it.
popcar2 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:34:55 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Someone needs to take all of the top comments and make a movie about it set in old greek times, replacing Zeus, Athena, and all that.
zubwaabwaa ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:34:56 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I think I would become the God of brain farts.
I would come up with something witty to say after that, but I'm having a brain fart right now.
Jollybeard99 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:35:01 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of Indecisiveness....no wait....
why_pretend ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:35:01 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The God...of Egg Salad
ThaBenMan ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:35:03 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I will be the god of when you're looking for a new tv show to watch or book to read and then you vaguely remember hearing somewhere that a certain one was good, yeah - let's check that out. If you displease me, you will be doomed to only watch reruns of NCIS or Friends for all time.
kaloethes ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:35:03 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The Goddess of Biscuits.
bicket6 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:35:14 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I AM THE GOD OF ASS-SCRATCHING BOW BEFORE ME MORTALS AND HONOR ME WITH AT LEAST 2 SCRATCHES A DAY!
mikeyb1 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:35:42 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of remote control batteries.
Stef-fa-fa ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:35:50 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Bubbles. I shall be in charge of bubbles.
Chaff5 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:36:00 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of the almost dead batteries in your remote control/gaming controller/mouse/keyboard.
Pray to me and I'll let you finish what you're doing before the batteries completely die.
darib88 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:36:04 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I'd Pic being the deity in charge of Wireless signals, all my praise sung over the radio waves and my tithes would be occasionaly texting or calling friends and family to remind them you're thinking of them. Those who displeased me would have crackly radios , spotty cell reception ,and never properly connect to wifi, and no remote would send the proper commands to their televisions and garage door openers would ignore them.
ThatKidJorge ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:36:06 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of Traffic. Pray to me and I'll make sure you don't hit every red light on the way to work/school.
Darktidemage ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:36:19 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of clearing browser history.
I bet I get a lot of prayers.
Samizdat_Press ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:36:21 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The God of Xerox copy machines. Making humans unhappy one jammed printer at a time.
Grillosantos ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:36:31 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
i will be the god of picks. offer me a good bass line or a good riff and you will gain my favor by everytime you lose a pick, it will be in your pocket
CaptainEffingMagic ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:36:42 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of not letting the iPhone glass shatter when you drop it.
Smothier ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:36:59 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I am Smothier, god of the clean first wipe.
TheLastExil3 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:37:00 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Tits and wine.
georgeo ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:37:02 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Spreadsheets I guess.
irateup ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:37:07 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of Unintentional Emails. Worship before me you scum, or your dirty jokes and obscene pics get forwarded to the global address list. Recall that, bitch.
EyesWideStupid ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:37:11 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Hasty Decisions
Wolfeshwar ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:37:16 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The God of software updates
lilithsativa ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:37:29 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I would choose to be the Goddess of musical earworms...
On a good day it will be your favorite song that you rarely listen to, which then reminds you to go and dig out the album and reminisce about that one summer... On a bad day it will be every song you ever learned for elementary concerts, christmas plays, and obscure commercial jingles. You won't remember but a bit of any of these and it will haunt you.
TITAN_CLASS ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:37:32 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
the god of making fans of bad nfl teams content. COME ONE COME ALL. BROWNS, RAIDERS, JAGS RAISE YOUR MIDDLE FINGERS AND PRAY TO ME!
Once the browns summoned me and I gave them the glorious Josh Gordon. Then they became arrogant, and bathed in the fantasy football light that was the great savior Gordon. They turned away from me claiming that they had earned a player of this caliber. So I contacted another intern. The wise and powerful Mary Jane took Gordon away from them so they could repent. And in his place I sent the eternal punishment of Johnny Foozball. They think it is Johnny Football, but his true gift is that of the table football.
NimirRaj ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:37:33 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The God of Perceived Weekend Time. Thou shalt pay me in Taquitos. If you pray hard enough, the weekend will feel as 3 days with so much time, you refinish the whole of Firefly again and more Archer episodes. If not, you shall have chores all weekend and you will have to run an errand at 6pm Sunday night and have shitty sleep because of it.
CA_Voyager ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:37:43 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I'll make sure to get the THC into your brain... to reach a unreal [10]
Mendokusai137 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:38:02 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of the smack upside the head to people who deserve it. See someone being douchy? Pray to me and let justice be dispensed. I will work my way up the pantheon ladder to a middle management karma god until I finally make VP of smiting.
MAX228DOESREDDIT ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:38:03 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
god of static electricity, when you touch a door knob and feel a shock that is me slapping your hand
IncrediblyDrunkUpvot ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:38:05 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of swamp ass and runny stools.
Kandierter_Holzapfel ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:38:24 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I will be the goddess of unproductive internet browsing
TheNaud ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:38:28 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I would be the god of flatulence. I've always been told I'm good at it.
If you are in my grace, I will give you the ability to clear multiple isles in a store with no chance of ruining your unmentionables.
Derpybro ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:38:31 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The God of Bed Making.
unf1lt3r ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:38:47 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The God of Applying Plastic Lids to Your To-Go Cup.
Anger me and you will have to change your tie in the car before going in to work.
hempels_sofa ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:38:57 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The God of Toenail Clippers.
Blue2Droid ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:39:08 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Pugs. All pugs everywhere
srslythebirdstheword ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:39:08 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The god of biscuits. Or hairdos.
PharaohFarticus007 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:39:22 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The God of perfect smoke rings. Call to me in your time of need and I shall bless you with the perfect O ring of smoke.
snowball666 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:39:30 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The god who holds singly ply toilet paper together.
NoWhammies10 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:39:37 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I'd be the god of that thing where you're just about to sneeze, but then your friend is all "Hey, what's up?" and you suddenly freeze, but then you still have that nose tingle (it's a horrible tease) and you're like "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK!"
sschering ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:39:48 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of printers! I cast a pox of PC_Load_Letter upon your home.
Sacrifice 2 reams of paper and a toner cartridge to make amends.
Lifeonthejames ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:39:55 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
HOV/Left Lane Bandits. I would be the god of smiting them.
impracticable ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:40:07 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Niko, God of Not Standing In Doorways
edit: Mundane, but I am the hero that the world needs right now. Especially high schools and colleges. Those places are severely lacking a God of Not Standing In Doorways and the world is suffering because of it
ClusterSchmuck ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:40:10 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I am now the God of On-Hold Music! Elvis for EVERYONE!!!
FPSGamer48 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:40:18 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of Stomach Pain. I could resolve my IBS, and help others. But at the same time, take revenge on my enemies...
Teen_In_A_Suit ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:40:35 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I'd ve the god of cool glasses of water right after you've finished doing heavy exercise.
IronOhki ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:40:45 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I specialize in encouraging grown ups to draw pictures. I'd like to be god of that.
ColourSchemer ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:40:45 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I am the god of soda straws.
Do not bash my followers on the table, or you will incite my vengeance. I will smite you with bent and broken straws.
akavana ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:40:45 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of punch bowls during 70's/80's Era movies.
arcainic ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:40:49 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Patron God of Johns.
Because the night is dark and treacherous, especially in the back alley of that shabby old brothel Gienna's.
BlueskyUK ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:40:50 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of television
Standaloneoak ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:40:51 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The god of toner in your workplace copy machine.
It's a small roll, but without me, your copies will never look professional again.
area88guy ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:40:55 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I choose to be the God of Successfully Scratching A Particularly Irritating Itch, Even If You Cannot Normally Reach It.
Rejoice, ye followers, for there shall always be a wall corner nearby.
BudsOnFire ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:40:55 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of doobie rollin'
Eoj_Nawoh ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:41:00 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of Accidental Typos or "On Mobile". Worship me or feel teh pain.
because_monstah ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:41:09 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I would be the God of Phone Batteries.
Do not try to offend me if you don't want your phone battery to go mysteriously down from 99% to 3%!
NovaFire14 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:41:23 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I'd be god of when you realize you actually do have to go to the bathroom 5 minutes after you went in to check your hair/makeup.
FreeGuacamole ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:41:24 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of beach volleyball.
gimme_the_light ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:41:25 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I'll be the God of Being Late. I'll work to ensure that only those deserving of being late are reprimanded by my holy powers. The bus didn't show up on time? Whoops! Alarm clock batteries died? My bad... Actually, not really... You coughed in multiple faces yesterday, so you deserved this shit you inconsiderate, earth vexing bastard.
randomguy186 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:41:34 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I would choose to be the patron deity of Things Stuck in Drawers. The rattling of stuck drawers would be as prayers to me.
McVomit ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:41:36 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I'd be the god of checking your phone for the time, and then checking it again because you weren't actually paying attention. If I don't like you or you have offered me significant praise then fuck it, maybe you'll have to check it a third or fourth time.
phuhcue ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:41:46 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Toe stubbing. There would be an inexplicable rise in broken/lacerated toes.
Jacobblobaum ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:41:54 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of potential sharts.
You think you may have just sharted, but a prayer to me and you will see your undergarments clear of brown.
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:42:04 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The god of clean public restroom stalls. Those who earn my wrath will find punishments ranging from a stray pube and butt sweat on their seats after they sat down, to the remains of bloody battle field upon opening the door.
A silent downward gaze at all times while in the public restroom is the only offering I need. Also clean off the rim and flush the toilet you savages.
Brodm4n ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:42:05 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of being able to put a tent back in the bag as perfectly as it came out
eden_sc2 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:42:08 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of milk jugs. Pray to me and that almost empty gallon might have just enough for your cereal bowl.
Jitszu ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:42:10 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Video games. Hands down.
Avander ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:42:16 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of the Extra Sock or God of the Missing Sock. My true nature will forever be obscured.
sportfan498 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:42:24 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The God of Procrastination. Pray to me, and I will allow your shitty, 5 page paper you wrote last night to at least get a B-.
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:42:24 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Slapping. Because, why not?
sudowned ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:42:34 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I would be the God of Not Talking To Your Friends About Homestuck.
galuf ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:42:43 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Filling in the bubbles on multiple choice tests.
The_Green_Sun ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:43:08 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I actually had a conversation with my wife not long ago kind of like this.
"If you were the goddess of anything what do you think it would be?"
"Chicken nuggets."
Justrubsomedirtonit ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:43:15 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Putting a cover sheet on the TPS reports.
- Richard
Hey Janice.
SuddenFlamingWord ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:43:25 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of water cooler conversation.
A tribute to me would make you the life of the office.
SrewTheShadow ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:43:28 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I'd be the god of off-brands.
Skin1986 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:43:29 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The god of mail, anger me and recieve Jury duty and subpoenas. Please me and get unknown inheritances and the likes.
wintremute ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:43:37 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The god of chips and dips that run out at the same time.
creepyrob ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:43:38 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Nose-picking
ThePoorNeedChange ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:43:48 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of getting that booger you can't reach
DoctorGingerBolt ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:43:48 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Goddess of Socks, pray to me and I'll help you find the missing ones. And keep those pesky Sock Eaters from eating the ones you lose.
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:43:57 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of beds. Make mine and my worships extremely comfortable, and those against me awful
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:43:57 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of Lost Pens that Are Still Full
acend ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:44:05 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of laundry, worship me or you will NEVER find that missing sock. Please me and your colors shall never run.
m4xxp0wer ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:44:17 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I am the god of peeling the protection film off new screens.
Patmewully ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:44:24 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
GOD OF MASTURBATION
Brooker2 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:44:24 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The god of the morning shit
Jaytine ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:44:25 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Pigeon God. Want to double park your 2008 Toyota Corolla like an ass hole? "Alpha pigeon to base, Target acquired"
Captain_Boobalicious ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:44:27 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The God of Time Perception. If you disrespect me and don't pray, your work day will seem to last for hours. "It's only been 5 minutes since I last checked the clock?!?!?! It feels like it's been hours"
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:44:49 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I want to be God of microwaveable food. You pray to me so that the inside of your hot pocket reaches perfect temp and the mash potatoes in your banquet meal don't come out ice blocks
Part_of_the_wave ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:44:49 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I'd take the position of god of misplaced objects
Believers will swiftly discover the objects they have mislaid but non believers will be cursed to never find the item they've lost until it turns up 6 months later in the back of the fridge.
kingwoot ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:44:52 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The God of liminals. You want to go through a doorway, you have to go through me!
lornstar7 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:44:52 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
You know when you throw a crumpled up paper into the basket from across the room. I'd be the god of that.
Say my prayer "Kobe!"
And ye shall be rewarded
BrazenBlazin ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:44:55 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I would be the Goddess of the Hidden Stash
If you worship me I shall bestow on you the ability to find that stash of weed you hid for when you ran dry.
All you have to do to gain my favor is spread the love, both of ganja and for your fellow human being.
If you blaspheme against The Sacred Plant or are a dick to other people, I shall curse you with
AmnesiaCane ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:44:56 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The God of Collections. Every bill you forget about or have to put off because your last paycheck goes through me. You pray to me to keep me away, and the collections agents get sent when I am unhappy.
jetfirejake ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:45:05 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I would be the God of Marijuana. Thou shall groweth only the stickiest of ickies.
Turts_McGurts ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:45:07 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The god of reseting routers
ajsatx ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:45:16 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of Passing Butter.
bassbastard ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:45:18 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I would be the god of pleasant low frequencies. Yes, the God of Bass. Les Claypool and Victor Wooten are already great avatars.
That reminds me, I need to go practice.
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:45:20 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of programming, while in my grace your code will work and the codes of others will create spontaneous pop ups even when offline. I will require sacrifice
odlonyer ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:45:21 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
forks
leoferrlf ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:45:23 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Netflix & Chill - modern day bacco
TravellingRainGod ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:45:24 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I let it rain!
Dks_Rainbow_Sparkle ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:45:29 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of women masturbating.
Pnk-Kitten ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:45:31 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Goddess of Cat Rubs. Pray just enough, and I will send a kitty to rub on your legs or belly flop before you. Pray too hard and it will nail the crap out of you after 2 pets.
theleller ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:45:54 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Credit Approval. I'd want to be the God of Credit Approval.
teh1knocker ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:45:54 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of Luck
Aramil03 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:45:57 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I would be Aramil03, Lord of Progress Bars.
Praise me and thy Bars shall rapidly approach completeness.
Earn my wrath, and you'll never see beyond 99%.
Mensabender ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:46:13 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The god of curiosity.
Rheul ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:46:21 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Online gambling.
sdx1337 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:46:22 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The God of tits and wine... if it weren't taken by that dwarf already :/
jinjin5000 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:46:47 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The Oh me of hangovers
DanteHazzard ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:46:52 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Oh God of Hangovers
popcar2 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:46:54 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I would be the god of forgotten homework.
Pray to me, and I shall assure the teacher forgets he's given you homework
If you increase your devotion to me, I shall assure that one guy that reminds the teacher of said homework shall be included in a train accident.
T3daSikness ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:47:07 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The god of random erections, and I am an unjust God.
BONE_SAW0064 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:47:11 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of one-wipe dumps.
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:47:13 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of boobs, my acolytes will freeze time and hold boobs in that time, they can also largen and shrink breasts. The time hold boon grab will make the owner of said boobs forget that the booby grab happened
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:47:14 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of boobs, my acolytes will freeze time and hold boobs in that time, they can also largen and shrink breasts. The time hold boon grab will make the owner of said boobs forget that the booby grab happened
rxchxrd ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:47:16 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I am Trek, God of all public transit commuting. Praise me and I will deliver your buses and trains on time. Use my name in vain and you will forever sit in dried urine.
boffohijinx ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:47:22 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Easy open pull tabs.
ScorpiusMalfoy ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:47:45 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The God of Pencil Sharpening. Every pencil you sharpen under my blessing would leave that sharpener pointy and strong and not broken!
mackay92 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:47:54 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I would be the patron of toasters. Those who please me are able to perfectly time their toasters/toaster so that everything comes out perfect, not burned or half frozen.
Oscuraga ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:47:55 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I want to be the god of Earworms. It is by my shallow whims and convoluted methods into world domination that you suddenly have that song stuck inside your head at the worst possible moment.
HarryPotHead45 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:48:02 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of where the hell is a lighter, you have a fresh loaded bowl but you must pray to me to find thy lighter
baboonontheride ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:48:04 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Call Centers... I hear every hang up, every muted curse, every evil customer that calls you a see you next Tuesday... And I dispense karmic justice upon all!
magicfinbow ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:48:06 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I would be the God of keeping toast butter side up when it falls off the table. Millions of lives would be saved.
COCK_MURDER ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:48:06 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Haha well I'd be Slortaloma Gunt, the lord of having your cock out at a funeral. Awkward situations abound, but not as much as your DNA on grandma's whore face
someredditgoat ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:48:08 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of the Commute! Worship before me or fear my red lights!
Jordsvin ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:48:10 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I would be the god of atheism. There would barely be anyone praying to me so I can take my time to answer the few prayers. The rest of the day i would just browse reddit.
whitecompass ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:48:13 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Reddit.
fuzzydice_82 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:48:27 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
god of first level support for printers. those poor souls need all the help they can get.
gnarledrose ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:48:36 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Patron Saint of Root Beer.
Smokey651 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:48:49 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of extremely stupid luck in video games. I want to move on to being a god that saves people's lives by just a hair. But I'll start off by letting you squeeze between a train, an oncoming car, and underneath your crashing opponent in burnout 3 when you didn't even see any of them until after you passed through.
VebbReddit ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:49:30 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Id be the god of potatoes.
GodOfAtheism ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:49:30 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
^
Easy enough job at least.
J1m123 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:49:44 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
papercuts
tehgovenor ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:49:45 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of airtight containers.
Theurgist1 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:49:52 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Crapping... Imagine the number of people calling for me to help them in their time of need!
Astrogurl ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:49:55 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Goddess of traffic lights
Valendr0s ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:50:07 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of WIFI Signal.
ehkodiak ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:50:08 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of Missing Socks - Only when you are in my graces do you find that missing sock!
April_Fabb ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:50:22 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)*
Deity of of doubt seems like something I would handle rather well. Or maybe not.
nattack ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:50:27 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I am the god of procrastinating at work.
prove me wrong.
MrFurtch ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:50:31 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I will be the God of Coffee.
megagreg ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:50:37 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I think I would start as one of those mischievous gods that everyone wants to go away. I would be in charge of thread synchronization bugs happening all the time in production software, but never in your development build.
My first goal would be to get promoted to the granter of "race brain." That state you're in after a hard endurance race when you cross the finish line, and you feel thirsty, and you can see the tent with the gatorade, but it takes over two minutes before it occurs to you that if you just walk over there, you can get something to drink.
My career track would definately be to become patron saint of endurance athletes, even though I imagine starting out as a Norse god. Are we allowed to switch pantheons?
pork_sausage ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:50:38 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I shall be the god of unsubscribing from emails.
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:50:40 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of the Drive-Thru. Stay on my good side, perfect order every time. Anger me, enjoy your missing apple-pie, dipping sauce, or diet-coke when you asked for Regular.
shadowsog95 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:50:44 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The internet. I figure it's new enough that it doesn't have a God yet. Or if the God has to exist first than virtual reality.
Butler2102 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:50:49 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The God of RNG!
If you rely on a random number generator in your day-to-day life (surprise, I guarantee you do at some point!), you best ask for my blessings!
RonZacappa ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:51:12 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I will be the God of Legos laying on the floor. If I find your sacrifices acceptable then you will never step on one at 2am while going to the bathroom, neglect to pay proper homage to me and I will fill you bedroom floors with them.
ogaldu ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:51:30 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The god of quarters. Didn't pray - you will be short a quarter for that load of laundry.
UncensoredChef ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:51:34 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Mailroom discrepancies
natephant ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:51:38 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I'll be the God of beards.
Punkeec ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:52:12 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Goddess of food left overs. Keepin' it fresh and safe from roommates
tomoko2015 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:52:37 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Goddess of perfect ratio of coffee to cream in a cup.
Beatful_chaos ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:52:38 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The God of whiskey. Like Dionysus, but less partying and more brooding.
LuckyJenny ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:52:44 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Goddess of Luck. Per the username. Shamrocks are my logo.
Kitzinger1 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:52:46 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)*
God of Mediocrity.
Half assed prayers are fine with me.
acondie13 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:52:46 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of finding a parking space.
iamtheowlman ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:52:51 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The Oh God of Traffic Flow.
Every time you're stuck in front of someone with a STOP sign or a railroad crossing and say "Oh God", it is sacrament to me.
My high holy day would be the first day of school after Labour Day. Today, in fact.
Ghostise ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:53:17 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)*
God of Printing. Procrastinated on you paper due in an hour? You better be in my good graces.
forbucci ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:53:26 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of strong WiFi connection.
How has no one said this yet.
Fearripper15 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:53:33 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The god in charge of well maintained writing implements. Praise me and all your pencils will sharpen to a nice solid point, likewise your pens will always run smooth. Anger me, and you'll go through 80% of your pencil before the point stays on and your pen tips will be drier than the Mojave.
Lost_in_costco ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:54:03 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of Costco. I'm the reason you either get good samples or bad ones. Also, if you anger me you're doomed to be forever be lost wandering aimlessly around Costco for that one item you just can't find.
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:54:12 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I'd be the God of Texting-and-Talking on your phone while driving.
Yes, this is a legitimate power that I've wanted since long before this thread popped up. Yes, there would be a great many permanently disabled cell phones. Yes, there would be a great many people permanently banned from using cell phones (they'd short out and immediately die the moment the person tried to use them).
And, yes, there would be a global message warning every cell phone user before this happened.
Napthus ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:54:20 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Has it ever struck you as odd how there's a God of wine but never an O God of Hangovers?
yota-runner ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:54:39 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The God of Left Lane Traffic.
Guy in the fast lane going the same speed as the 18 wheeler next to him? Boom, LBJ fails sending him into the overpass pylon killing him and his family on impact.
Fumblerful ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:54:41 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of Board games
iwasneverborn ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:54:58 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The god of the juice that squirts out of citrus fruit when you eat them. You must pray to me before you dig into that grapefruit otherwise I might just get you in the eye. FEEL MY WRATH!
Thedutchjelle ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:55:03 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The God of Uncomfortable Auto-Fill Browser Addresses
You best hope you got a clean browser record on that laptop Jimmy, since you're about to search for "you..." during a live conference with your boss and 20 employees. Would be a shame if something else enters.
frankiesnapea ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:55:06 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Naps
Juapp ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:55:14 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Sarcasm, no one would ever get me.
chuckymack ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:55:18 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I will be Nofecus, the God of Surprisingly Clean Diapers. When you lay your infant down for a nap, I am the one who blesses your nostrils with a surprisingly clean diaper when they wake.
SecretSpud ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:55:20 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I would be the god of "being on the internet without anyone knowing", and I would grant great fortunes unto those whom are alert, and great peril upon those who do not pay attention to their surroundings.
RambleRant ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:55:39 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I've always thought that the gods of hearth and home were the most interesting anyway. Sure, it's flashy to be the god of thunder or death or some shit, but at the end of the day, the best thing in life is coming home to the place you feel safe, eating a home cooked meal, drinkng a good beer, and loving your spouse. So yeah, I'm all about the mundane shit.
Futurist110 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:55:50 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The god of eating?
CrustySpinach ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:55:52 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Porcelain ( อกยฐ อส อกยฐ)
Necoya ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:55:54 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Filing! Glory be to the Records Manager who is in my gracies!
heron27 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:55:54 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
A god that decides if the toasts you make are tasty or less are.
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:55:56 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The God of that brief moment of panic when you try to take a bite of something but I doesn't break off so now you have to decide whether to wrestle with it, eat the whole thing, or just put it back and hope no one saw.
The title is a work in progress.
10Lei ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:56:26 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of sleep? Well it's sleep and everyone needs sleep.
MindTheFuture ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:56:31 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of mouse clicks. Praise me when you sacrifice adderall to my altar and I'll grant you perfect timing in any competitive game and save you from errors you didn't knew you were making. Anger me and you'll end up sending on those unfinished drafts and drunken late night messages that none should see!
wolfman1214 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:56:35 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of hope. I like to spread happiness wherever I go. _^
Comet7777 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:56:44 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of Dad Jokes
oversteppe ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:56:45 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The God of Paper Cutting
gimme dat 18x18 trimmer
UncivilEngineer89 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:56:47 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Traffic Signals. See those 5 consecutive greens in front of you? Not anymore.
Faladiel ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:56:54 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of falling asleep. People who can't get comfortable, are too hot or too cold, or whose brains can't quite seem to settle down - all would seek my blessing. And those who incur my wrath may suffer from narcolepsy.
alexjett ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:57:08 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Fapping.
ProcessedMeatMan ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:57:17 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Cunnilingus
skilledwarman ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:57:18 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I'd be the god of that thing where you're just about to sneeze, but then your friends all "hey what's up?" and you suddenly freeze, but you still have that nose tingle (it's a horrible tease) and you're like fuuuuuuuuuck!
Hash_Is_Brown ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:57:19 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
If I was Meek Mill, Id be the god of rap. So I can finally come out with a diss track that isn't garbage.
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:57:47 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of When You're Trying To Fix Something And Then It Suddenly Just Starts Working Again On Its Own.
If you anger me, it will stop working again tomorrow for no apparent reason.
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:57:51 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I would be the god of internet product orders. I determine how much of a pain in the ass it will be to get your order delivered on time and correct.
tykneetym ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:58:06 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Reminds me of this Studio C Video: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Zuyus6NpfK4
I would be Hemalorus, the god of running out of toilet paper.
shutupshuttinup ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:58:22 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I am the Lord thy God of Shaking Exactly Two Aspirin Out of Thine Bottle
Fuzzyduck360 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:58:23 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
the god of
cs go case unboxingsedit: turns out gaben already took that one... I guess i'll ask reddit for suggestions.DecimusRex ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:58:24 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Perfectly browned toast
Tin_Whiskers ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:58:38 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I'd be the God of Relieving Oneself. Be good, and I'll grant you the most pleasurable shit or leak you can imagine.
Sure, it's not sex, but hey - everyone excretes, you may as well enjoy it, yes?
19pacman93 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:58:48 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of sleeping in. When in my favor, you are blessed with an opportunity to sleep in. If you take that opportunity and get an extra hour or two, the rest of your day has a high likelihood of being a good day.
immunitatusbatus ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:59:10 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of Pooping. I then device a 'make people poop longer and start an entertain yourself while you poop app' plan. People get addicted and the gods are powerless against my army of poopmen, who are hell bent on pooping regardless of what destruction the attention hungry bigdogs/gods inflict on the world outside the potty.
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:59:21 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The parking lots around a large shopping mall and its many satellite stores and restaurants. I'd bias available spaces in favor of moms with cranky children and against anyone with a sense of entitlement. The more entitled the driver feels (or - poor driver - the passengers' sense of entitlement might get my attention also), the less likely they get a space close to where they want.
feanturi ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:59:22 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I would be the god of lost guitar picks. Wayward picks are drawn to my altar of tortex and nylon, where they find rest from their travails until their owner makes the appropriate sacrifice. The sacrifice is that they go buy more picks, whereupon their missing picks will just turn up somewhere.
LordCathulu ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:59:36 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of tits and wine !
KamikazeOliveBranch ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:59:36 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I will be the god of who imbues the scent of freshly baked bread upon the worthy.
Snowodin ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:59:43 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I would be the god of turning signals. As boring or mundane as it might seem, I would hold power over those who potentially run a red light and get a ticket. I would be the one who decides if you make it to where you want to be early, on time, or late. I could save or end lives.
But man, would it be boring alternating between three colors on immobile poles.
kakeface107 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:59:44 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of DUCKS, because why the hell not, they're adorable...
birdcages7 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:59:52 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The goddess of reliable wifi connections. Pray to me and your video playback with always be smooth
senorglory ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:59:55 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The God of Remembering to Pick Up Your Laundry from the Cleaners Before the Morning You Actually Need It. Wait a minute, where's my jacket? Oh @&%$!
MajorTom77 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:00:05 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I am Motorolus, God of Cell Phone fate! Please me, and when your cell phone slips out of your hand while standing near the toilet, it bounces harmlessly off the rim and onto the floor, undamaged. Anger me, and it falls into the murky depths of a pre-flush sewage, complete with a cracked screen.
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:00:07 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of Road Rage, my blessings prevent people from raging and killing each other on their daily commute. For some reason I am ineffective in Russia.
PooJizzPuree ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:00:24 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Pot holes. Because screw your car.
shaolinallan ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:00:37 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of Mondays. Instead of armor and such, I will walk around in a robe looking very tired while holding a cup of coffee. People usually pray for some kind of natural disaster so that they can stay home.
nowthatsaname ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:00:37 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Sneezing
cardr ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:00:50 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I would be the god of war, then totally murder the shit out of Ares
murdock129 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:00:52 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The God of Exam Revision
Get the most prayers of anyone ever
ZwenLight ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:00:53 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I'd be the God of the seat next to you on every public transport. Offer me some goods and maybe tomorrow the stinky obnoxious guy wont be next to you.
fervt ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:00:59 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)*
The god that decides which way your buttered toast lands when it falls.
I am a fickle God.
WellTheThingIz ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:00:59 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
the god of those chicken wings you can actually breaks apart so you get a bigger piece of chicken in your bite.
Sk8terforlife ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:01:07 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I would like to be the god of this is a stupid idea and I shouldn't be doing it but I'm going to anyways
jrglpfm ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:01:21 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The god of replacing the toilet paper roll.
Klojner ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:01:21 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I kinda want to be the god of slushies. I'd kinda be like a junior god of ice or something. Punishment would be doled out by tormenting brain freezes, rewards would be given in the form of unlimited refills.
draeh ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:01:24 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I would be the God of LEGO!
I am the one parents bow to as they attempt to walk in the night!
Mandreotti ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:01:25 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I would be the god of turning things off and on again. Computer running slow? Toaster explode? Have you tried turning it off and on again?
kasmackity ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:01:28 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I'd be the God of Key Mojo. Pray to me every time you need to find your keys, get them out in a hurry (creepy guy in the parking lot, heebie-jeebies at your front door at night), or getting the right key in the lock the first time when you've got eight bags of groceries in your hands.
trshtehdsh ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:01:33 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of Pens. You know you miraculously find a pen when you need one? Must've done something to make me happen. Can't ever find one? Must've pissed me off. I can offer the typical shitty bics, or, for my most loyal servants, I'll provide the most incredible fine point, with beautifully flowing ink that doesn't smear away.
My preferred sacrifices are under-appreciated office supplies - I'm especially fond of electronic cable twist ties and binder clips.
technosasquatch ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:01:43 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
You know when the tiniest sliver of fingernail catches on the fabric of you clothing and you get a weird sensation? Yeah, I'm the god of that.
QuienLaBambi ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:01:51 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of ATMs. Pray to me and you'll always find one alone, make me angry and the person using it before you will last forever.
Shadow_Death ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:01:52 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of the Internet. I could use my divine power to level Comcast buildings and make the world a better place.
MaxRebo74 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:01:54 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of finding a phone charger just moments before your phone dies
MugenBlaze ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:02:20 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of Examinations. I decide how well you do in it. I accept studying as my sacrifice.
MugenBlaze ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:02:23 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of Examinations. I decide how well you do in it. I accept studying as my sacrifice.
jabroni_camembert ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:02:27 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I'd like to be in charge of the "it's on the tip of my tongue but I can't remember the word" feeling.
Invoke my wrath and you'll find that the next time you need to express something important the right word just isn't there. Beg for my forgiveness and I may see fit to restore your vocabulary.
Jerkcules ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:02:38 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I was gonna say "god of tits and wine" and then realized that that's pretty much Dionysis's job
SamuraiDDD ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:02:43 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I'd be god of multi tasking! Pray onto me and my absolute ability to do multiple things at once without fail!
ThachWeave ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:03:06 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I am the god of dreams that you can actually remember.
Praying to me is simple, but it must be done without hesitation, as you have only a few moments: immediately upon waking up after a dream worthy of recalling, recite in your mind every detail of the dream from the point it began to the point it ended. Remember what happened, what it looked like, what it sounded like, what it felt like. Do this twice, and then write it all down. This prayer reaches me clearer than all others, and will guarantee you remember the dream for much longer than you would without prayer. Pray again with the same dream periodically to reinforce the memory of it and give the memory an exponentially longer lifespan.
And my sincerest apologies to this guy. His condition is an unintended side-effect of what happened to him.
crushcastles23 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:03:07 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I shall be the god of connecting to Reddit servers.
Yayzayz ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:03:14 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of good r/askreddit threads.
You have pleased me, u/El_Dief.
Lexamus ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:03:21 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I feel like I am already the God of minor awkward moments
Moefroe ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:03:37 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The three eyed god of stoplights. Feel my wrath you headen hippie roundabout worshippers.
richardec ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:03:47 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Tech Support.
Thou shalt close all windows, then reopen and try again!!!
MegaSquishyMan ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:03:56 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of a solid internet connection.
Now before me and tremble at my power.
Merari01 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:04:19 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of unseasonal fruit.
terminusthrall ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:04:29 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
You've slain my father Ares, the overlord of endless war... So now you'll face me, Chaires, the overlord of chairs and drawers!
TheHomeSkool3r ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:04:31 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I would be the God of finding money when doing laundry. Pray to me and you may find a few extra dollars. Piss me off and watch the gum and office pens pile up in your pants pockets when you least expect it.
cyberkitten ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:04:33 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Such Jeff the God of Biscuits, or Simon the God of Hair-Dos
Ar_Ciel ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:04:41 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I'd be interning under Eros as the god of Masturbatum Interruptis. Anger me and even a blast shelter in the middle of the Siberian tundra won't be safe from a severe and abrupt intrusion on your fun-time.
APartyInMyPants ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:04:44 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The God of Jukeboxes.
Ever buy a song that doesn't play by the time you have to leave that bar/restaurant? Well I'm in charge of making sure that song plays on your radio later that day or the next.
Except U2's With Or Without You or Tom Petty's Free Falling. I fucking hate those songs.
thr33m0jo3 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:04:50 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of tech support , I can answer all of your prayers , if you've turned it off and on at LEAST 3 times.
a_spick_in_the_mud ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:04:54 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The God of the One Drop of Mud that gets on that really conspicuous part of your pants
(gave up on the capitalizations)
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:05:00 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I would be the God of Apathy.
urokia ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:05:02 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The god of fire alarms and smoke detectors. I will use my far reaching powers to ensure that somehow despite not changing the battery in 10 years a smoke detector still works, and never beeps. Fire alarms will only activate when necessary (fires, drills, to wake up that kid who missed his alarm on an important day, to clear a building of a threat) and will never be without reason. I will smite any who attempt to abuse my fire alarms. They will always work and won't be useless pieces of shit that wake you up at 1am every fucking day of finals week in the middle of fucking winter I swear to fucking god bursley hall.
bunni_bear_boom ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:05:24 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
masturbation
WellTheThingIz ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:05:26 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The god of Internet troll revenge. Pray to me and I'd see to it that Johnnyapplefart232 receives punishment for spamming /all chat with "8===D"
nekozuki ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:05:34 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I would be the goddess of bubbles.
AvatarWaang ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:05:36 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of Dexterity Checks. Drop a mug? Feel my power guide your hands to catch it before it shatters upon the ground. Playing I sport? Witness my Grace allowing you to make all the small-probability saves and catches.
And if you're especially devout, your friends will always be there to see.
Malcolm1276 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:05:39 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I would be Lord of the Commute Songs, and my blessings be upon all ye who sing. screech, belt out, or carry a tune on their drive home.
The_Ghost_Writer ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:05:42 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The God of Wall Outlets. Pray to me when your phone battery is low.
tughandle ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:05:48 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Moistus, god of baked goods, keeper of proper moistness. Pray to me and your muffins will always be moist; reject me and your scones will turn stale in your mouths. You have been warned.
Thinkcali ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:05:53 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The Lord of Toilet Paper. May I grace upon thee an extra roll of TP by the toilet. My only son Cornholio gave his time upon the earth to warn of my wrath. Anger me and thou shall be left stranded without a roll in sight.
There are many ways to worship me but only the devout will trout around their dwelling with pants at their ankles in a hunched position.
allpeanurts ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:05:59 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Bathroom Cleanliness.
Can't hold it and gotta use a public bathroom to poop? Quickly sacrifice your firstborn in my name and you shall have a freshly cleaned public bathroom stall with maybe 2-ply toilet paper.
Clbull ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:06:01 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of Fapping
Kraven_howl0 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:06:03 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of holding off til she finishes. I can see it now, people just praying before they nut for strength to hold back.
wipeoffable ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:06:13 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of pizza cutters, when in my graces (usually by cooking pizza, i'm an easy god to please) your pizza cutter will slice that pizza like a lightsaber, no dragging of toppings, fully sliced so you don't pick up a slice and it still connected with another and even slices so you don't end up with one obviously smaller than the rest
wrecktangular ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:06:22 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Rolling blunts. Plain and simple. The one thing I don't hesitate to boast about of the topic comes up. I hate talking about pot.
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:06:41 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Cannabis.
renegadecanuck ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:06:53 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I want to be the god of the morning commute.
UniAdept ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:06:59 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Uni, God of University Napping. Need to waste some time between classes - Uni has your back with a quick nap! If you pray well, you get a nice quiet restful peace. If not, well, no seat will be comfortable and jackhammers will come on randomly to keep you almost falling asleep for the whole duration.
legandaryhunter ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:07:04 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of untangled headphones.
BrainArrow ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:07:21 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I would be the God of Waiting. Nothing really gets done, but at some point you're in my jurisdiction. And I'd have fun with it: make some people hang their very existence on the ticking of the clock, while others feel as though they never get a break!
brownbie ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:07:31 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The god that determines who shalt fart and shalt shart
rockstang ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:07:38 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I'd be the god of unnecessary apologies.
starrynight451 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:07:41 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
poopin'
part-time-unicorn ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:07:48 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
properly cooked food
Trimblco ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:07:48 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The god of canceling plans at the last minute.
Gomolon ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:07:56 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Free Wi-Fi.
SteamMotif ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:08:11 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I am Geoff! The God of Biscuits!
Gawdzillers ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:08:19 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I'm the god of mismatched socks. I've got a few pairs of socks that look similar, but are slightly different sizes, and I always manage to ball up a bad pair when I do the laundry.
abrachoo ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:08:23 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I would be the god of answering hypothetical questions.
Grimedoggamer ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:08:27 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The God of Staplers.
You know when you try to staple some pages together and the staple buckles, then you awkwardly pry it out - destroying your fingers in the process - only to discover that the stapler has miraculously run out of staples?
That's me.
VirtusGoat ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:08:34 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of the Hunt.
Lost your keys? Can't find your favorite whatever? Heard a song on a commercial, liked it and don't know the name? Maybe you need help catching that cute girl that just started at your office. Yes, thats me, the thrill of the hunt. Oh yea, animals for food too.
fleashosio ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:08:40 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I went a dozen comments down, so I assume this is not taken.
The God of Making Sure The Toilet Paper Is Facing The Right Way.
Yeah. that stuff. Seriously, over, not under. I guess then if you pissed me off, you'll always walk into a toilet stall with the toilet paper the opposite of how you like it!
Hurricane_Ivan ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:08:53 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The God of Masturbation
Shishish ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:09:10 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Goddess of deviating from recipes and personalizing them and having them ultimately turn out better. If you're especially good to me, I'll be the one coming up and sprinkling extra cheese in your easy mac
BuzzBomber87 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:09:28 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of Videogame Cleavage. Bow before me nerdlings!
Meykel ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:09:35 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I would be the God of Toilet Paper. All I require is a sacrificial cookie once a week (my altar should somewhere other then the bathroom) and as long as you have a supply of toilet paper in your home you will always have a roll of toilet paper within arms reach of the toilet
iLiveinAcanoe ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:09:42 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of Lost Guitar Picks
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:09:44 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
blowjobs
Pdsn ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:09:51 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Sex, I would choose to be God of sex!
TowerSheep ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:10:03 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Videoramus - God of Videogame Development. If you were to please me, I will make your anticipated game the come quickly and be well developed. If an entire country (Iโm not greedy Iโm only entry level) prays to me Iโll bestow the greatest gift to ever granted to manโฆ Half-Life 3. However, should you defy me, you will get your game, full of micro-transactions and a development cycle that will make you forget why you wanted it originally.
Sengura ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:10:08 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of bust size revealment.
Want to know your crush's bust size? Suspect that Amy down the hall might be stuffing her bra? Well, no problem! Pray to me with an offer of Doritos and you may find her bust size engraved into your bed's headboard the following morning.
FoxyCFox36 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:10:15 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Not sure if it qualifies as mundane or not, but I would be the God of all Commuter's.
Do you have internal boiling road rage at meaningless rubber necking, failed turn signals, and the inability of a city to create streaming merge lanes? Is your bus driver hitting every pothole on purpose just to spill your coffee, or speeding up just as you run to the door thinking you're gonna be on time today? Is there a guy in a suit talking on his cell phone standing idly in the walking side of the escalator about to make you miss the train, resulting in you standing for twenty minutes in a crowded smelly metro station and making you miss your first date with an honest to goodness hottie in at least a year?
The God of the Commute hears. Ne'er do wells beware...
GainzdalfTheWhey ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:10:16 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of Coffee
xiao668 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:10:25 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The goddess of startling animals. All animals have that moment of momentarily freaking out for no reason. Like those times your cat would just jump up out of nowhere and run off? That was me.
lankanmon ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:10:33 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I would be the God of UNDO. I will be able to un-do anything... As long as it occurred recently.
Sora07_08 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:10:33 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I would be the god of Coal. It would be fun to be able to manipulate people by making them see things in the flames that come from the coal.
SubtleMockery ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:10:34 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Loose change.
Peas_through_Chaos ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:10:37 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I would be the god of plugging in USB cables. We would deal with the issues of probably doing things the right way, doubting ourselves, turning around, trying it the wrong way, and finally returning to what was right all along.
Pdsn ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:10:39 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Or God of scratch and sniff or scratch or sniff
spud_monkey ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:10:45 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
clicky pens!
Its_Phobos ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:10:46 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I'd be the God of Post-It notes. Those in my favor would be gifted with eternal adhesion. Woe and post-its that always fall be to those who earn my wrath.
inborn_line ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:10:50 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I'd be the God of Correct Alphabetization. If you're in my good graces, you'll never show up at a doctor's office and have them not be able to find your chart. No longer will your documents end up filed under your first name, instead of your last. And, for the right amount of devotion, all your songs will be attributed to the right artist and be sorted appropriately.
rdoll70 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:11:00 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of the toilet plunger. Blasphemy me and I will let you unclog your upper-decker on your own.
redditmarks_markII ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:11:02 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of the yellow traffic light. Pay fealty to me and enjoy the feeling of never approaching an intersection while it is yellow. And occasionally, I will grant green lights all the way. (Built-in paradox avoidance by simply arranging the red lights you do get to prevent conflicts. NOTICE I do not control the green and red lights really, but I can certainly time them to your benefit or detriment).
Annoy me and your yellow lights will be frequent and variable in length.
Anger me and you may get a few long yellows, just enough to agitate you, and then a hyper short one just as you decide to accelerate through it. I won't guarantee a truck or whatever will take you right out, that's left up to chance. I may decided to do this when you are in a particularly urgent need of a bowel movement though.
internet4ever ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:11:05 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Airline seat assignments.
hefnetefne ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:11:28 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I would be RNGesus.
MachCutio ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:11:36 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
WiFi Connection or Cell phone signal.
life_questions ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:12:01 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The god of microwave foods. Hot pockets will be forever both molten lava and frozen if you do not sacrifice accordingly. I demand all microwave clocks be set +1 minute faster than all other devices in your kitchen.
Flash 12:00 shall be the greatest sin of all and your microwave will forever torment you and your both hot and cold food.
unknownchild ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:12:08 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
the god of ill do any thing if this computer keeps working
firestorm559 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:12:15 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The God of catching objects unexpectedly thrown to you. Pray to me and you will have smooth and graceful one handed catches, but anger me and you will fumble it while walking, trip, and fall on your face.
Shnazzyone ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:12:17 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of machinery wear and tear. I get to decide how long your car will go with that clicking noise.
dannisbet ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:12:30 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The god of the Self Checkout.
If I'm happy, you won't get stuck behind the person who can't figure out what button on the screen to push next. If I'm mad, you're stuck behind the person who is trying to figure out why it won't accept their check.
azon85 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:12:33 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of Static Electricity. Worship me and never shock yourself again. Anger me and you'll shock yourself all the time.
skitzokid1189 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:12:35 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Steam customer support, so I can do nothing all day, have everyone hate me, yet still give me all their money
JeremyRodriguez ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:12:36 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The God of common sense. I will give you clarity only after you have made a fool of yourself.
jhennaside ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:12:46 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I would be the goddess of naptime. My most devote followers would be stay at home parents and preschool teachers.
70camaro ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:12:47 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of the female orgasm. I'm lazy.
apples_vs_oranges ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:12:53 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I'll be the god of naps. Worship me and you may be blessed with a refreshing short nap right when you need it. Anger me and you will nap a little too long and wake up more tired than before, and in a foul mood. This applies to your children as well.
oisir ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:12:54 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The god of "Where the hell did I park?".
Appease me with the jingling of your keys, and you will find your car in a timely fashion.
Anger me, and you will walk up to at least 5 different cars that look exactly like yours, but aren't. Your car will then be moved as far away as possible.
And I will be called...
Beep-beep
Toggaboii ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:12:56 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Masturbation
KaNikki ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:13:04 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I would be the goddess of glasses. I can help you keep track of where you put those damn things, but be warned, if I'm angered, you risk finding that youi have searched in vain for 20 minutes, all the while they've been on your head/face/in your hands the whole time.
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:13:08 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Goddess of deflecting parents at embarrassing times. Not quite got your pants on? I will distract them with a doorbell.
Teenagers will love me, but their adoration will fade with adulthood. If they deny me fully later in life I send parents to let themselves in with a spare key early on Sunday morning.
rasouddress ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:13:11 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The God of Ending Rick and Morty Hiatuses.
Hiati?
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:13:20 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I would be the God of complaining about work while at work.
If you have my blessing you will be able to make subtle comments about things that suck to the delight of your subjects without ever being overheard
PrincessThunderBaIIs ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:13:20 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The God of accidentally pushing send on texts before they are finished.
Indiozia ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:13:21 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Paper cuts
Docedj ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:13:30 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I want to be the God of Keyboards. Piss me off, and you'll forever have a spacebar that only works about two thirds of the time. If you make me happy, it will forever stay clean, and Cheeto-dust free. Sacrifices will be made in the form of letting kitties sleep on your keyboard when you have important e-mails to type. Those fools who have virtual keyboards have a special ring of hell waiting for them.
BellyandKen ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:13:35 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I would be the god of flatulence. If you are within my favor, then that fart which was bubbling up in the middle of your meeting/class will be quelled. If you out of my favor then be prepared for the loudest or smelliest gas you have had in years. People will worship me out of true fear and sing my praises at every crisis averted.
OhHiGCHQ ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:13:40 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of cycling in wind.
Piss me off, strong headwinds.
Make me happy, strong tailwinds.
NeonFrankenstein ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:13:52 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of the fuel light. Stuck in traffic and the fuel light comes on, you pray to me in hopes of making it to the next exit.
therealrenshai ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:14:08 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of the come back. Anger me and you'll always think of what to say to someone right after it would have been appropriate to say. Please me and you're the wittiest mother fucker around.
MagicBlueberry ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:14:12 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I think my username dictates that I be the god of blueberries. Please me and thy blueberries shall taste sweet and like, you know, blueberries. Incur my wrath and you'll be sucking blue lemons. I accept sacrifices of sulphur since blueberry bushes prefer a low PH. Now who do you think I'll report to? Godess of fertility or is there a god/godess of farming?
NOTVOLHAR ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:14:16 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I would be the God of the shower temperature knob
DriftingSkies ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:14:18 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I shall be the God of Lines. Be in my favor, and you shall see the people in front of you move smoothly without hassle. Fall out of my graces and watch as every person in front of you has to heckle with the cashiers for five minutes, slowly waste time paying with pennies, and otherwise wasting your time as your parking meter slowly runs out.
JdotPetro ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:14:22 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The god of coffee, piss me off and you can bet your ass there'll be a shortage of coffee in the near future.
ruffntambl ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:14:24 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The goddess of hedgehogs.
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:14:27 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of Sideburns. Not all facial hair, that's too much power. Just sideburns.
SupremeWizardry ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:14:42 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Here cometh the exalted Jeff, Lord of biscuits.
UnrulySupervisor ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:14:44 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of remote control accuracy.
You want to go up 5 channels? Okay, if you've been nice then just press the channel button up five times. You've been a devilish little fiend? Press the channel up five times. Oh damn! It went up six! Okay just press down once. Oh no the receiver didn't catch that. Press down once more. Oh now it went down twice because it recognized the first input!
iwant2default ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:14:47 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Office supplies. pray to me and you shall receive. Paper clips.
carldkramer61 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:14:50 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of game headphones. Pray to me and I'll make sure you play with at least one person that talks back. It'll probably be a 12 year old kid though.
spbcnt ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:14:53 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of Traffic Lights.
Appease me, or many long red lights await you.
RolandGSD ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:14:57 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The god of being at just the right moment to climax when watching porn. If I am displeased with you, you'll get an eyeful of the grossest, least satisfying moment of the entire video.
forcedin2exile ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:15:02 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The God of Pizza. Why dont I see this yet? Your TOPPINGS ARE BELONG TO ME.
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:15:26 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I would the god who watches over writers and artists who are talented but never achieve any recognition despite all of their efforts and determination.
ratchet_hd ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:15:37 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of Great Pizza. I make sure every slice is perfect
ivebeenhereallsummer ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:15:42 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I'll be the God of Critical Thinking and then inspire my followers to prove I don't exist.
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:15:54 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I will be the God of sink knives. Perform the blessed sacrament by cleaning your silverware marvelously, and there will be no blade lurking below the sudsy surface. Anger me with cheap plastic, though, and I'll leave you a steak knife surprise. I don't even care if you don't own a steak knife.
tyradyne ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:15:56 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Sporks. Nothing need a deity more than the half-spoon-half-fork a.k.a plastic's sin against nature.
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:16:01 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The god of cool and unique pens.
ccjhs90 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:16:08 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I'd be the God of traffic. Piss me off, and you'll be stuck in a 10 mile backup while you have to take a bowel movement. Please me, and you'll never have to worry about red lights, or construction traffic again.
Mccmangus ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:16:18 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The God of cell phone battery life. I would be fickle and harsh.
Dexaan ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:16:20 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
My boss would be FSM, I'd be the god of ramen noodles.
Safetymanual ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:16:23 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The god of ketchup. Appease me and you will always have the right amount of ketchup. No longer will your fries be ketchupless.
collinsl02 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:16:31 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Anoia, Goddess of things stuck in drawers
Fauxcaine ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:16:47 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Fans. I want to be god of fans.
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:16:54 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The god of opening packages.
Please me, and all hard plastic enclosures shall fall away like leaves in Autumn. Anger me, and styrofoam will become as concrete.
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:16:57 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I am the God of Turn Signals. I punish those who don't signal when merging or making a turn. I am a vengeful God.
CodeMonkeys ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:17:26 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I'd be the God of Dishes.
Balance out bad days with things like bowls out of the microwave that aren't too hot to carry. Wreak havoc upon shite people with dishes just slippery enough to be dropped easily. Make glass cups crack at random. Cause anything eaten with silverware to taste metallic. Cool one odd side of a plate in a microwave causing it to be cold while the rest of the dish burns for no apparent reason.
I'd be the best starter or ender to the best or worst days.
neckbeardbro ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:17:32 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of the Functioning Keurig.
Pray to me and you won't get any thick and grimey shit in the bottom of your cup. Disobey and your Keurig will give you nothing but bad tasting and overpriced coffee.
AncientAchilles ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:17:49 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The God of Netflix! If you know not what you want to watch, pray to me!
Alk3 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:17:57 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
That period of time in the morning where you struggle to stay in bed until your discomfort of having to pee outweighs the comfort of your bed.
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:17:59 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I'd be the God of Procrastination. Oh wait, I already am.
gungo8 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:18:00 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Videogames
recyclopath_ ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:18:07 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The goddess of 'the little things'.
Alyssathetank ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:18:10 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The goddess of canceled meetings. Double booked conference rooms? Those numbers you needed from Marketing just arent finished yet? maybe a power outage? Youre welcome.
baust32 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:18:11 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The god of internet connection. Make me mad and you wont be getting that paper done that is due tomorrow.
Xynii ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:18:23 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I will be the goddess of paintbrushes. A small but very important tool.
bonitabro ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:18:27 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The god of noticing where people have left things when they do not remember. "Where is my phone?????" "Why you left it on top of the microwave my child"
Mythandros ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:18:30 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The god of pie.
Piss me off, and your pie crust will be soggy, your pie will be bitter and you will curse the day you angered me!
KoldProduct ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:18:34 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The god of plugging in a USB 2.0 correctly on the first try.
Do not toy with me, mortal.
DreVilla ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:18:38 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of the mattress sheet cover. Pray to me... and I'll make sure all 4 elastic corners of your sheet cover actually stay under the corners of your mattress.
God_Damnit_Nappa ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:18:39 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of lost items. Mildly piss me off and I'll steal a sock from the dryer. Really piss me off and your car keys will end up on the moon.
dakotajh ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:18:43 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I am Goddess Incipere ... (To start). I'm the God(dess) you thank when your car starts in the morning. I'm evil-neutral and it amuses me greatly to hear the starter crank a few extra times, just to watch you squirm.
Alexiel17 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:18:50 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of masturbation. Make me angry and your will break your penis or tear your vagina while you're at it.
Sayersam1 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:18:56 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
WiFi Connectivity
lt_dagg ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:18:57 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Probably filing/ authorizing all the paperwork that goes into smiting people
Mannymannymanny3 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:19:07 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I would be the God of traffic. On my good days it would be as smooth driving as if you were driving in Montana, bad days like LA, and on days I just want to mess with mortals I'd make it randomly go to one lane for no reason and everyone in front of you will be from the state of Oregon or the city of Seattle.
Tall_LA_Bull ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:19:15 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The God of Lost Puppies. All the puppies get found and I get to make people happy all day! :)
manicMadcap ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:19:15 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The God of Log-in (pray to me and offer homage and perhaps ill help you remember your password)
Ulangos ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:19:20 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Follow cupid around catching his shit...
RudeMorgue ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:19:26 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I am the god of conference calls. Here are my commandments:
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:19:27 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of Melting Points.
The chaos that would ensue.
sandwhale- ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:19:27 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of semicolons and enclosed parentheses. Forgetting either induces my wrath.
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:19:35 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)*
[removed]
Kitten_Hammer ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 18:22:16 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
*whether, not weather.
kpkost ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:19:46 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Anyone say God of Masturbation yet?
Euloque ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:20:10 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The god of hitting every green light while driving through the city.
MarianasTrench ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:20:38 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The god of wage control for entry-level positions. Also the god of Irony.
NotDwayneJohnson ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:20:50 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of Female masturbation time
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:20:54 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Bananas.
Fooldimi ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:20:57 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
No need. Cardea is already the God of door hinges.
abinkeb ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:20:57 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I am the Goddess of Office Supplies. Staples is my temple and I got your ink jet refills right over here. I demand no offerings, but if you sign up for rewards emails, you'll earn cash back on sticky notes.
AlmostNerd ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:21:01 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of mundane tasks.
Pray for a mundane task to be completed and I will do it if your intentions are pure. However, if your I deem your task to be anything but mundane. You will be bashed to the chamber of chores. You must complete 2 trials in order to be forgiven.
captainsmoothie ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:21:08 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Fear my whimsy, mortals! For I am Mousiki Vrochos, though I am known by other names: Wormer of Ears, The Great Loop, The Hook Unending, El Disco. I have the power to force you to remember just a few catchy bars of that song on the radio, over and over in your head--maybe for a few hours, a few days, or the rest of your life, depending on my mood and astral alignment and stuff. Those who receive my blessing will find that they can recall an entire song, and in doing so, abate their earworm and go about their lives in relative peace. Those who incur my wrath are those you see with baleful eyes, hopelessly humming the hook from "Moves Like Jagger" or the intro to "Piano Man" with no knowledge of the rest of the song at all. Or the man who, despite an endless iTunes collection, cannot stop hearing commercial jingles in his head.
Kuja27 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:21:12 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I would be the God of ikea furniture. Fall out of my favor and one of two things happens: either I make sure one screw is threaded so that whichever direction you're turning the driver, the threads reverse so it won't go in. Or I will make sure there is one extra piece with no function other than to confuse you. Either way lies misery
bschwag ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:21:15 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I'd be the God of resin. Pray to me and you will get high even when your dry!
DariusRichardson ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:21:17 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The copy machine. Would have my bosses on their knees.
skepticalrick ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:21:17 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of Convenient Store Chatter. If there is a line and you talk too long, you will feel the wrath. -GCSC
Salvyana420tr ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:21:29 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The god of drugs.
thefellhammer ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:21:33 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The god of proper Scotch Whiskey storage. I serve under Nick Offerman, the God of Scotch. I reward those that store bottles upright with clean, well deserved livations and those that store them sideways with poor, inferior drink.
royalrights ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:21:37 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Cheese. Man I love cheese. ALL HAIL THE CHEESE GOD!
izanhoward ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:21:41 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Weed
gufcfan ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:21:50 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Money. Handled frequently by entry level people.
TheKoi ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:21:58 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
the god of days off.you pray to me if you want a day off.
maragan ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:22:04 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I am the God of not finding a reddit thread before it hits the front page
blackom ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:22:10 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Got to be forward thinking about this. I shall henceforth be known as Peepus, Most Holy God of Not Being Noticed While Piloting a Drone Camera in Front of The Neighbor Lady's Open 2nd Story Window. Praise be to the Shadow that does hide your shame and give comfort.
Prayers to me are to be made while sitting in a tree... although a bush will also do. Sacrifices of binoculars, tiny mirrors that you attach to your shoe, and hellishly fuzzy and barely lit photos of naked people are accepted. No cum boxes please.
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:22:23 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of matching socks.
CocoPopsOnFire ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:22:25 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I am the God of that thing where you're just about to sneeze but then your friend is all "Hey, what's up?" and you suddenly freeze but then you still have that nose tingle, it's a horrible tease and you're like "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK!!"
bl1y ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:22:45 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God Of Not Getting Called On When You Didn't Do The Reading.
threedaysmore ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:22:51 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The God who decides if your USB goes in correctly the first try.
bigedthebad ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:22:54 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Bowel movements.
There is nothing that makes me praise God more than a really good bowel movement.
RadioCarbonJesusFish ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:22:57 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of Shitty Public Transportation
What's that puddle? Is it pee? You better pray that it's just melted snow.
Ilikepoundcake ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:23:01 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I'd be the god of that tiny scrap of TP left on the roll. EVIL LAUGH
THEJAZZMUSIC ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:23:06 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of regretful inaction. That girl you never asked out. That trip you never took. The bully you never stood up to. All the times you look back on, years later, wishing you had had the courage to do something. I am the god that gives you the courage to do step up in those situations that stick with you until the day you die.
tjreess ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:23:13 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Retail Employees.
WholesaleBees ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:23:20 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
All bow before u/wholesalebees, goddess of being friends with people on Facebook just to make fun of them! Show proper humility before me, or I'll take a screenshot of what you just posted and pass it around between my friends while taking shit about you.
SantaTyler ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:23:23 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of anus muscles. Piss me off and that pararie dog you're holding back becomes a nice tire track on your new white pants.
Keep me happy, and nothing gets in/out of your anus without your say-so.
ObligatoryCreativity ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:23:49 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I would be the goddess of WiFi. No matter where you are there is always a strong signal that allows you to connect to https and above all is free. My one stipulation is that the only reception allowed for drivers is if they selected streaming music before they set into motion and are only allowed to change stations/play lists while stationary.
Jewish_Sports_Legend ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:23:52 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I'd like to be the god of forgotten internet passwords. Forget your password? Just say a little prayer to u/Jewish_Sports_Legend and...poof, you're logged in.
StanLeeKubrick ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:23:58 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I'd be the fart god. The one that ensures you can release gas according to the protocol of each situation: let say that you're on your first date and those beans you ate at lunch start to boil inside of you. Well, fear no more! Sacrifices you made in my honor will grant you a silent (well, not musicalized by your tuba solos) and stinkless date. Or maybe you are hanging out with your homies and would love to make one of the boys (or girls) feel the wrath of your ass stank. Honestly, this is a god we all need on our side. You can call me Uranus, unless is taken by another deity.
GKorgood ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 18:25:22 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Is taken already
StanLeeKubrick ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 18:30:01 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
See? That's the problem of the entry level positions. I'm gonna be farting in my room.
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:24:06 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of phone signal coverage.
sinapz ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:24:12 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of Fantasy Football so I can win all my leagues this year.
Troggie42 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:24:19 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of driving. No turn signals on purpose? I SHALL SMITE THEE
MSCantrell ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:24:24 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Property insurance claims.
SovietBozo ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:24:27 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of typewriter correction ribbon, coz I'm lazy.
Ncsululu ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:24:27 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of Finding lost articles. Can't find your keys and running late for work? Quick prayer to me and I got your back.
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:24:31 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I imagine myself as ex-PFC Wintergreen, answering phones and mail for Zeus at Olympia. So the god of minor bureaucracy.
I'd throw everything from Poseidon in the trash, because his style is too prolix, and speed everything from Pluto along in zealous observation of regulations because his style is unpretentious. I'd follow Hermes around, drilling oil wells under him every time he stopped to sleep. One day I'm sure I'd be ex-chief god of Olympus.
Master_GM ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:24:31 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The god dice rolling. I will be a god who will grace you for a time then fuck you office when you really need it
damien665 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:24:49 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I would be the God of buttons. Pray to me and every button will be easy. Anger me, and it will be like trying to button little tiny baby clothes buttons with giant man hands.
Just a heads up, that's not easy.
nubsauce87 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:24:55 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Sock washing
lacunalunacy ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:25:01 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The god of unlocked wifi points. Especially the ones that reach into places that they have no reason to.
I-baLL ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:25:04 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The internet's pretty ordinary and mundane nowadays. I'll be the god of that.
drachenmaul ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:25:05 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The Oh God of Hangovers
Merax75 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:25:19 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of Missed Connections. Talking to a girl at Starbucks and didn't get her number and hope you see her again? I'll make that shit happen. Buff guy at the gym you shared a smile with but don't have the courage to talk to? Got your back, he'll start up a conversation next time you come in.
urouttacontrolmiley ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:25:29 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
ur mum
Tagomi ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:25:31 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Lesser god of lemon curd.
zod_bitches ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:25:32 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The god of torrents. The rain kind and the filesharing kind.
Syfawx ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:25:35 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of that dirt under your fingernails that just appears randomly.
sween1911 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:26:01 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The God of Exact Change: And lo, let not one of the two dimes or one of the three pennies escapeth under the seat cushions as I approacheth the window, let my payment be speedy and my Happy Meal be financially disbursed unto mine face from your bounty, Amen.
marshmallow_unicorn ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:26:09 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I would be the goddess of drunk texting. Keeping me happy ensures that your dick pic actually impresses the intended recipient, or at least doesn't offend. Anger me and that dick pic goes to your grandma, boss, or boss' 16-year old daughter. Why do you have her number anyway?
MakidosTheRed ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:26:09 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The god of always finding something in which to smoke your bud.
drthaller ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:26:10 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
im surprised no one from /r/trees has posted anything here yet
Synyst3rZombi3z ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:26:10 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Capsaicinus: The God of Hot Sauce. If you pray to me, your favorite bottle of hot sauce will never run dry. Piss me off, and you will always have that first shot of sauce fly over your target and get all over the surface your plate/bowl was sitting on. Then your bottle will empty before you can bless any wings with its deliciousness. Muahahahaha!
Twikstar ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:26:29 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of dank memes
Knute5 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:27:00 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Household cleansers and small appliances.
From that tiny vector I can control the world.
dontaxmebro ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:27:00 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I am already the God of Reddit.
playerIII ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:27:24 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I am the god of opening a book to the correct page on the first try.
Literally every nerd will love me.
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:27:29 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Goddess of Traffic. I smite those that refuse to merge and then get ahead of the whole lane of traffic that has been patiently waiting.
kcMasterpiece ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:27:29 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The god of lost keys. I can help people find their keys, or punish them by making them lose their keys. And when I decide they have been punished enough they find them in their pocket, or that they thought they lost them while they were driving.
self_arrested ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:27:38 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Reading it's pretty mundane and everyday but it's important to help us get a better understanding of the world as a whole, and thus would give me a route up to the higher levels.
linktheinformer ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:27:41 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I will be the God that watches over the dryer to ensure your socks never go missing.
run-a-muck ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:27:54 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The God of Karma, not worth a thing but everyone likes it. Maybe just a minor demi God, really just a servant.
prjindigo ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:28:00 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Loose paver stones, wiggly outlet covers and weak pull-tabs.
simplebricks ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:28:01 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Things stuck in drawers, then I'll diversify.
collinsl02 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 20:29:00 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Sorry, that's taken
ladyshanksalot ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:28:08 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The God of Being Slightly Less Late Than Everybody Else in the Office.
9:03am? First person there!
Konrow ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:28:18 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of the USB and USB mini. Pray to me and you shall always insert it correctly on the first try. (This prayer works for all insert-able items, never stick it in the wrong hole again! You're welcome ladies.)
madclarinet ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:28:20 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of treading barefoot onto painful items - pins, Lego, UK Plugs.....
Pray to me and it might not be too painful (can't guarantee the UK plugs though....)
TheNerdySimulation ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:29:18 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The God of Video Game Glitches. I shall be praised by all Speedrunners regardless of them running or not running Glitchless runs. They shall pray for my interference to assure that some glitches happen first try, and others to not happen at all.
GimpedNinja ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:29:25 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The god of the gas tanks. Please me and when your tank is getting low and you're miles from town, you'll have juuuust enough to get to a gas station. Piss me off, you're gunna end up walking the last 4 miles
Stingysteve ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:29:33 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of too much or not enough sugar in the coffee.
chiefasskicker ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:29:41 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
WiFi. I would mostly us my powers for myself, but occasionally sprinkle a little WiFi on those that deserve it. My punishment would be a perpetual increase / decrease signal. You think it's going to work, but loses signal right at the end.
Assdolf_Shitler ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:29:56 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of Hemorrhoids. Don't fuck with me.
RedKurZe ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:29:57 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The god of internet, praise me; you'll be blessed with great internet, anger me though; and you're gonna need an hour to buffer that 5 minute video.
RaizenTheFallen ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:30:00 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The god of lost sneezes. Unless a proper sacrifice is made, every sneeze you're about to have will be mine for all eternity.
Aethermancer ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:30:03 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Procrastination. I'll grant miracles. Eventually.
NotACreepyOldMan ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:30:09 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The God of drunk dials. Pray to me and I will make sure your drunk dials/texts/and status updates never see the light of day. Unless they're gonna lead to sex. I am a kind and generous God.
ABahRunt ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:30:09 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of getting something working the first time when you're showing it to your crush/boss.
Shit never works when you try to show it off...
SknarfM ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:30:22 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I would be the god of coffee. A barista is a priest. Every drinker a worshipper. And every cafe, Starbucks, coffee house a place of worship.
nattweeter ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:30:26 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The Goddess of Intervention on First Dates
Pray to me when you need to get out of an awkward first date situation, and I shall create a distraction or an emergency situation so you can ditch the one whom you no longer wish to pursue
De_La_Dank ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:30:27 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of cooking eggs. Pray or have your yolk broken. You know you didn't want scrambled but the gods will have their way.
I'm having breakfast .^
absynthe7 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:30:31 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
PivotTables. Judging from the constant interruptions by my co-workers, I'm already halfway there.
Horvaticus ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:30:36 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The god of being able to trust your farts. Do not toy with me human, for I shall make your life slightly moister.
AthleticNerd_ ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:30:39 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The god of good parking! Everybody prays to the parking gods. Everybody.
Cizzar ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:30:52 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The god of plugging usb cables into things
Fiennes ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:31:13 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of Reddit Blue-Links. Pray to me, and your visits will bring forth bountiful content for you. Take my name in vain, motherfucker, and your screen will be full of more purple than that movie "The Colour Purple" which admittedly I've never seen and cannot cite just how much purple is in that movie, but I bet it's a fucking lot - why else would you name a movie "The Colour Purple" and not have a whole shit-load of purple in it.
netjeste677 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:31:25 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The god of car singing. Rejoice and worship upon my funkyness while riding in style. Must actualy be singing for prayers to be granted. That car lip syncing shit just dont fly
raddue ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:31:30 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The God of Printers. Upset me and you will have nothing but jams, false errors and the inability to ever connect to a network. Your queues will continually fill but nothing will print. If your printer tech comes out, everything will work fine until he leaves.
Skypirate6 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:31:38 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of computer hard drives, I decide when you loose all your data. Pray I don't break your backup before you make another.
YakiVegas ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:31:43 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Parking. If you please me then you will always find a spot right by your destination for free or base price, but anger me and you'll circle the block over and over until you give up and pay $25.
Ahhmyface ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:31:48 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The god of staying up really late. Late night writers and programmers would pray to me to help them get some work done.
AllAboutGamers ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:31:51 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I will be the God of talking yourself into thinking something that's important is actually not a big deal. Every day I will bless subjects with ability to stretch the truth and warp logic into convincing themselves to put off important things in their lives. If you are sufficiently in my good grace, you may never achieve anything ever again.
odsdaniel ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:31:53 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
the god of Excel. I would be revered and feared.
KING_QUEEFEATER ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:31:55 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I'd be the God of skinny punks. so, say your are harassing a man who is stranded in the middle of a lake on a sailboat because there isn't any wind. You're calling him fat and teasing him etc. now, instead of praying to the God in charge of wind and stuff, you can just pray to me that the wind doesn't pick up which would allow the man to get to land and stick an oar up your ass...
Morvack ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:32:07 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I'd be baconars. The god of bacon
Fyrefoxe13 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:32:18 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Goddess of chairs.
Pray to me, and I will ensure that you will be comfortable in your seat. Fail to praise me, and you must constantly shift and turn to get comfort. Those who truly praise me offer all their time to a couch or a recliner. Those are my children.
Krono5_8666V8 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:32:20 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I want to be the god of petty revenge. It's one of my favorite subs, and nothing gets me hard like some well deserved comeuppance.
Cut someone off in traffic? I'll make sure you run out of gas two blocks from a gas station, and they pass your broken down car on the way to their destination.
Short change a delivery guy? He finds a 20 in your driveway that fell out of your pocket when you got out of your car.
keep your neighbors up at night with your loud TV? Suddenly the pipes in your wall are super noisy (but only to you???) and now you have to pay to soundproof them or you'll lose hours of sleep per week.
If you elect me - Kronos, God of minor justice! - I swear that no obnoxious, inconsiderate deed will go unpunished, and no victim shall be denied their satisfaction.
penea2 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:32:28 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Im the god of breakfast. Seems like a nice thing to be a god of. Speaking of, I didn't have breakfast today. Maybe thats why. Im huuunngryyyy
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:32:43 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The god of browsing decreasingly-entertaining websites because work is neither challenging nor fulfilling
Potato_Quesodilla ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:33:20 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The god of Tits and Wine
monkeyselbo ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:33:21 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
A god that stops doctors from treating conditions they don't understand. My name would be Referral.
ScienceAteMyKid ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:33:24 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The god of balance I shall be.
QuestInTimeAndSpace ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:33:33 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The god of empty weed bags
Valthek ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:33:39 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of Code You Wrote That Worked That One Time But Now It Doesn't Even Though You Didn't Change A Damn Thing And You Have No Idea What Happened.
A few years later, I'll also add "Code I Wrote That Didn't Work But Now It Does And I Swear I Changed Nothing" to my portfolio.
Basically, I'd be the god student programmers pray to when things go horribly wrong when they clearly shouldn't. I wouldn't really DO anything about it though. Just, you know, occasionally make things work when they shouldn't or the other way around.
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:33:43 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I would choose to be the god of smooth poops.
Surely, you laugh, yet would be filled with regret if you angered myself with an insincere offering and I cursed you with a dry turd, caught within your colon, that took far too long and with far too much strain to remove.
I would work in conjunction with the god of clean wiping and the god of dietary fibre. The classic trio.
BluePragmatic ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:33:42 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The god of Tangled Cords. You know how you leave those cords all nice then you come back 5 minutes later? Yo.
jrhop364 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:33:46 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of that little moment when you see someone you used to know and you get that feeling of nostalgia and anger and sadness.
Mmmmhmm
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:33:50 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Bootstrapping processes. It is my destiny. Check user ID.
Reishun ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:33:52 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
the god of carbonated drinks, I decide whether a drink gets bubbles or not and how long it takes for the drink to go flat.
artthoumadbrother ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:33:57 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of loot spawns. Tremble mortals, your fates are truly in my hands.
HeyZuesHChrist ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:34:06 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The God of Football. Everybody is always talking about the football gods and praying to the football god, so let me be that god. I'll decide who wins and who loses.
CrowDinner ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:34:11 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The God of unjustified workplace micro-aggression.
GioGImic ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:34:16 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of Sitting Down.
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:34:21 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Bow down to your new God.... Flatuence.
Wrong me or my worthy followers? Immense gas blockages that would make even Hades tremble in fear.
On a date with someone you love, and are a loyal and good subject? Silent excretions which smell of pumpernickel, or thyme, or heck if I'm having a good day, maybe nothing at all!
Declare war on my priests, ravage my temples, and maim my worshipers?
I hope you don't own any dogs.
DaftSpeed ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:35:07 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The god of PC Gaming.
LemonInYourEyes ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:35:15 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Cords. Piss me off today? Your ear buds are getting tangled. Piss me off tomorrow? Your ear buds are getting tangled. In the vacuum cleaner. Piss me off on a Friday?
Something, something, your kid's umbilical cord, something, something, sorry.
Naturage ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:35:17 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of lag. Trust me, I will have plenty of people praying for me.
ChicagoCowboy ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:35:22 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Pouring the perfect amount of dressing on a salad so its not overpowering and soggy but each piece of lettuce still has flavor.
Gloodisis_The_Hunter ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:35:32 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The God of ping. Fuck with me and I'll give you more lag spikes than Chicago.
kiltedfrog ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:35:49 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I would become the god of the layer of dust that settles inside the computer case. Gain my favor an that dust will find no purchase inside your case, however if you should invoke my ire, the heatsinks on your GPU an CPU will become so wooly with funk that the fans burn out.
GATTACABear ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:35:57 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I AM JOR-EL, MASTER OF SCHEDULING!
Townscent ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:36:12 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
It's a tie between the god of slamming your little toe into heavy objects or the god of stepping on Lego's... my judgement is hard and unfair
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:36:15 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Keyboard hotkeys
AlienMutantRobotDog ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:36:20 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of IT
zuluthrone ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:36:23 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Boogers
dieforsins ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:36:31 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of farts. So you're with that new girl from work and have to let one rip? When's the last time you went to church again?
ProLicks ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:36:51 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Spreadsheets.
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:37:03 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I'd punish people for ill-informed and misleading posts shared on Facebook.
3jt ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:37:03 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of Belly Button Lint. Sacrifice a goat to me and I shall make your belly button lint more powerful than you can possibly imagine.
BiteYourOwnTongue ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:37:12 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I would be goddess of that poop that leaves no marks in your butthole. The tp comes out clean. Make me mad and you'll have them squishy poops that even after fifty wipes there's still some residue. Not even baby wipes can solve that shit.
oceanicairlines ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:37:18 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Goddess of parking spots. Worship me and you will find a parking spot near the front of the store, or if you are driving around a city you will find a parking meter that still has time left on it.
If you anger me by parking like a jackass you, stealing other people's spots when they had been waiting for it, or leaving grocery carts in the spot next to you, you will only find parking towards the back of the parking lot or over priced parking garages 5 blocks away next to two giant trucks that will more then likely scrape your paint when the owners open their door.
InsaneTomato95 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:37:20 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I would be the god of downvotes, whenever a useless comment arises or a repost happens a few hours after the original I'd be there. I would smite useless posts with and damn them to reddit purgatory
CreatrixAnima ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:37:21 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Snack food.
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:37:22 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
OP, your life. Now go get me a drink...
REAL_HEAD ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:37:44 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The God of Internet Mishap. Pray to me and you'll not mis-click or mis-push a link you didn't want to go to. However, if you do give thanks and praise to me then you will suffer long load times and unfortunate pop-ups
BulkHardpec ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:37:49 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Easy-open packaging.
GigamonkeyX ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:38:03 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Cannabis.
VixVideris ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:38:04 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
the god of lurking on reddit.
yertoise_da_tortoise ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:38:12 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of Lag. snm
Kilshin ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:38:19 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I would be the god of the yellow light, when you get through an intersection on a yellow light, you kiss your fingers and tap the ceiling in thanks to my generous blessings of having time to get food on the way to work
greyjackal ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:38:20 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I'll be in charge of accidentally washing bank notes in your trousers.
Pray to me to ensure you somehow don't end up with a mushy ball of fibre. Or make it a lower denomination than you feared.
(Australians and Canadians are obviously not eligible. Nor will my Scottish brethren in a few years , actually).
matt_rap ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:38:21 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Itching. A lot of people would pray for my relief.
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:38:27 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Iยดd be the god of pissing inside the toilet. Pray to me, and I shall always make your stream gracefully flow inside. Make me angry and I guarantee you will always sneeze just in the middle of it.
zebetebateb ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:38:34 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I shall be th God of uhm hold up I forgot what I was going to say. My partner the Goddess of why did I walk in here? May smite any person at any point if we so please.
SDFMacr0ss ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:38:36 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of having the sudden feeling that you forgot to do something. Pray unto me so you may sometimes have a tingling feeling that you forgot something.
NefariousNeezy ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:38:38 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The god of thunder.
I don't really know what I'll do more than manage the thunder, but I'm in it more because of the job title. That'd look sick on my resume.
punkrocklee ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:38:48 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The god of ironic memeing.
I would bring feelings off superiority to people who was a part of spreading a meme others pick up on weeks later. I would grant you a complete immunity to forwards from people, all you have to do is mock people for how bad they are at memeing.
Curt2000 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:38:58 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Nutella
eddiemoya ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:39:11 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The god of remembering where the fuck you put that thing.
doglesby64 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:39:20 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Tits and wine
VicBigBoss ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:39:27 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I'd be the God of Internet Connection.
Pray to me and you shall have a glorious time! Piss me off and enjoy buffering and disconnects.
ILikeToWriteInBold ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:39:49 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The God of Typing in Bold
No one can shout in an online argument without first seeking my blessing
paragonofcynicism ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:39:56 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of that awkward moment where two peoples paths are crossing and they both stop awkwardly and suddenly and then start up again at the same time after waiting for the other to go only to have to stop awkwardly again.
Make offerings to me to prevent that from happening. Get on my bad side and you best avoid intersecting walking paths, or I'll get you. You work in a cubicle farm? Your life will be a nightmare of people nearly walking into you.
Mooseysfate ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:40:00 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Pray to Moosey Fate, God of Queues.
If I smile unto you, your line will move faster than any other. Or perhaps a new window will open perfectly to get you to the front of that and out the door swiftly.
Should I frown, the person will have coupons, a failed debit card, and then cash, but demand to provide perfect change.
As I accrue power, I will take over traffic lights as well. Then traffic.
HTML5gordon ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:40:10 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The god of keeping the clients from believing they're the designer.
pcx226 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:40:32 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of battery life. Anger me and your phone will charge slowly, drain fast and cut power during that important coversation.
letsgetrandy ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:40:41 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I am the god of fuck
eddiemoya ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:40:46 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I'm the god of 'no on saw that'.
Casteel15 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:40:48 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Behold mortals, for I am the God of the best of small conveniences: I shall let the incoming train stop at such a position the doors are exactly in front of you on busy platforms...
funnybillypro ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:40:59 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Bottle caps. Most of my time is spent making sure dolphins don't choke on them.
goodbetterben ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:41:53 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Coffee and Weed!
Edit: Do the gods have Scotch?
bjorkstar ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:41:55 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The God of playing with my hair and laughing when I'm trying to flirt
JohnPlean ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:42:15 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God(ess) of Debugging
zeropi ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:42:16 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Making sure to turn of water and the stove before leaving home.
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:42:25 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The God of Feeling Good by Going to the Bathroom.
People would love more than just about anything and yet take me for granted every fucking day.
... Kind of like what I'm like in real life.
KatherineDuskfire ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:42:36 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The goddess of making sure you take something out for dinner tonight else it will be take out again......
What I would not want to be. The goddess of Poop =_=
Madlibsluver ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:42:57 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I poop a lot
Pray to me, and I will make your poop quick and clean.
And you know relief you get after a big one?
You get it every time.
Parksy52 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:43:45 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The god of deciding where to get take out from.
"Who hath chosen arbys two nights in a row?"
"Ken!!! You displease me, and you shall be smoten"
SaffellBot ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:43:51 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of shitting.
You know those days where there is a car wreck and your 10 minute drive turned into a 45 minute drive. Right after your drank a cup of coffee? Hope you've been faithful.
Hey, this cute girl wants a date. She wants to go to that new Mexican place! She wants to come back to my place! Hope you've made your offerings, otherwise you're going to have a more eventful night than you hoped for.
senorglory ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:43:58 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
the god of their/they're. to some people on the internet, i'm very important.
arabicfarmer27 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:44:01 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The God of Acne. Anger me? BOOM. No girlfriend.
redditname01 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:44:22 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Sleep. Then I make it my goal to put everyone into a giant shared dream that I am in charge of.
I3lizzard ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:44:45 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I would be the God of making sure your headphones do not fall out of your ears.
rantsypants ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:44:47 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of Opening Automatic Doors in a Timely Manner
Wh1msey ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:44:56 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Traffic Signals
Alluminn ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:44:59 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Baked potatoes.
CBate ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:45:05 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Toilet paper. All will bow to me. Or have stains on your underwear and fingers.
Another-ginger-79 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:45:05 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The God of cell signal. You want that text to go through....better put a burrito on that alter bro
fullchaos40 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:45:09 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The God of Intrusive thoughts.
When you're alone I remind you that dumber stuff could happen to you, seems insignificant but your mind is never going be silent.
timclgm ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:45:10 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of Upvotes!
Caveat, I apparently cannot use my God powers for myself :(
MrG ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:45:26 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The God of Bowel Movements. Piss me off and depending on my mood you won't shit for days, or maybe you will shit for days.
Esuma ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:45:33 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The God of Furniture
Anger me and your pinky toes shall feel the fully extent of my wrath.
Davy_Dee ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:45:40 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The God of Paperclips. Render unto me your rubber band slingshots, your jumping springs, your chain necklaces. In return, I will allow you to reach in and choose a single clip of the correct size every time.
Lyssabits ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:45:47 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Sandwhich making. The goddess of sandwich making. It has a certain ring to it.
ChiveRy ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:46:02 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I'd like to be the god of propelling toast out of the toaster JUST high enough that the believers will be able to snatch my blessing before it falls to the side. If you piss me off it'll get stuck and burn.
FacebookJ0E ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:46:03 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of Facebook. Please me, and all of your feed shall be enticing and the news will cater to your interests. Anger me, and you will see nothing but pictures of people's half-assed attempts at cooking "gourmet" food, your friend who constantly updates their relationship status, and an update every minute about the status of that persons baby you don't know and how amazing it was that it rolled around and it's name is Neveah.
rwbffa83 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:46:23 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I would be the god of pooping. I would have hordes of followers sacrificing in my honor, and my wrath would be terrible.
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:46:28 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Depression.
publicenemy92 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:46:38 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Parallel parking. Think of the possibilities!
simism ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:46:49 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The god of computers and other thinking machines.
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:46:53 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I am the God of Jammed Drawers. Pray to me to magically move that ladel that is keeping the drawer from opening past an inch or so.
collinsl02 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 20:03:42 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Sorry, that's taken
Rattle yer drawers!
LEGOvikings ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:47:08 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I would be the God of LEGO bricks that snap together flawlessly. It would be a glorious afterlife.
stormwaltz ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:47:09 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of microwave food that is cool on the outside but hotter than the sun on the inside.
If the favors thine tongue, say a prayer to me - lest you be smote by the LAVA HOT INSIDES OF A HOT POCKET!
explorasaurr ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:47:17 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Macaroni and cheese.
kmack ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:47:18 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Shits and Giggles
cunnilinguspro69 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:47:43 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I would be the god of awkard public erections, ain't nobody going to be comfortable doing a speech anymore.
FolkDude ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:47:44 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I suppose I could be the god of getting your TPS reports turned in. Did you get the memo? Yes? You have my blessing.
LinuxPoser ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:47:57 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The God of arriving exactly on time.
Be in my good graces? You will find that seconds after you enter your destination, the person you were meeting that day is excited to see you, and thanks you for being so prompt.
Fall out of my graces? You will find yourself walking in to a mine field of passive aggressive comments about how being late is disrespectful, and how it not only affects you, but everyone after you. Also comments of how you left them "waiting" and wondering if you would come at all.
lobo79 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:47:59 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Pussy eating.
Resinmy ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:48:11 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The goddess of clean public toilets
BortBarclay ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:48:16 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I would be the god of minor annoyances. Your streaming video suddenly starts lagging? You're out of milk but not cereal? Your new printer isn't connecting? Hit every light on your way to work did you? Spill some coffee on your new shirt? Someone behind you at the theater keeps whispering too loudly? Well good. That will teach you to neglect the god of minor annoyances. I must be placated with offerings of sensible beer and the extra socks you have left after the dryer's done. Only then will I spare you from a litany of minor irritations.
paulhandy ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:48:20 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The God of that last little piece of mechanical pencil lead that you can't write anything with. In another dimension, it would solve the worlds problems!
Your_mom_is_a_man ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:48:27 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I would be the God of public transportation. Please me and I will send the bus just when you arrive at the stop. I will send a cab for you when you need it. But piss me off, and the bus will always be leaving when you arrive, no matter how fast you run, and there will be no cabs to be seen on rainy days. I will be the mighty taxius, and you will adore me with diet coke and cigarettes.
maniacalmania ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:48:39 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I would be the god of comforting people who are having panic attacks.
adhdkid10 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:48:57 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The God of Erections. If you displease me say hello to boners during meetings and whiskey dick in bed.
TheLazyOne ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:48:58 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I want to be the God of mobile phone games. Sacrifice your time and battery to me!!
Who would work by my side as the God of micro-payments?!
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:49:01 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
[deleted]
Realsorceror ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:51:39 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Windows pop-up, "Do you trust this god?"
ag_fisu ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:49:05 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The god of poop. Millions of followers offering a part of themselves couple of times a day
JMFargo ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:49:06 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I'll take being the god of pen ink and pencil "lead."
You worship me simply by using these items as they're meant to be used. If you've pissed me off then you'll get a pencil full of shattered lead or a pen that skips every half second of writing and no amount of scribbling will fix it, though you'll think it does because the scribbling will work perfectly.
GirlWithThePandaHat ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:49:18 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I will be the goddess of Espresso machines. Worship me and your espresso shall brew perfect and last longer. Anger me and the machine will pour decaf, need a rinse when you ready your shots or other ways to displease the Users or Customers. My priest/ess will be Baristas and all will know my rage or favor!
Pretzelpalosa ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:49:32 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The god of unnecessarily awkward social interactions. Ye mortals shall squirm with uncertainty when you see that person you know way at the end of the hall! Do you greet him now, or when you get closer? Therein lies my power.
The_Angel_of_Tulips ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:49:37 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I would be the god of phone signal.
At times I might be the most hated of all gods, but when I help in the time of need I would be the greatest of all!
ChivesRS ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:49:54 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Fertility rites.
10% growth in all cities
Saturn_Plus ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:50:02 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of stubbed toes. When you stub your toe, if you pray to me I will soothe your pain. Curse or swear to another god, FEEL MY WRATH
uma100 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:50:43 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Is there a god of Facebook? That's what I want to be
Party_Shades ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:50:43 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I would be the god of finding the TV remote. If you anger me, the remote will perpetually move as you are about to find it, please me and you will find it on the first try.
Wulf_Haus ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:50:50 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I'd be the god of making sure your shoe laces are always tied to the perfect length (no long laces to trip on and no uneven laces) and I'd also be in charge of making sure you don't trip on a small piece of raised cement on the sidewalk.
Anger me and by Zeus I swear you shall trip with every step you take.
Schizofriendic ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:51:21 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of Small Change.
Need a few nickels so you don't have to break that $5? Got you covered.
Need me to break a 5?... Can't do nothin for you, man.
bruce656 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:51:36 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Either biscuits or hairdos.
missamerica2016 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:51:37 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of Sharts. I'll let you know if you can trust that fart or not.
Norwegian_whale ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:51:59 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The God of Driving. Drive like a dumbass and I will smite you.
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:52:16 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The god of when you drop something but you kick it at the last second to break its fall so it doesn't shatter. You know your shitty reflexes aren't fast enough. You're welcome.
Delasgente ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:52:45 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of wiping. I ensure there is always more to wipe in my honor.
sidvicc ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:52:56 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of Good Bowel Movement.
They may laugh at me first, but soon I'll have more worshippers than all of the rest combined. How many people say OMG or some variant on the shitter after a bad meal.
Blitz_Kreegs ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:53:05 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The god of gaming, lord of RNG, provide offerings of Doritos and 2-liters.
lamelikemike ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:53:15 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The god of having just enough toilet paper.
ameya2693 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:53:28 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
A Messenger
camocam0 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:53:51 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The God of Perfectly average Internet Connections.
below_averagebear ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:55:15 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Definitely the god of bird droppings. Watch yo'self.
Dindu_Muffins ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:55:27 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I will be the god of chalkboards. Pray to me, and I will grant you the gift of immunity to chalkboard squeaks. I also do styrofoam cups.
YeOldePoop ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:55:27 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I would be god of that jelly inside of the donuts.
Tribalrage24 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:55:33 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of finding your cellphone when you've lost it and "No Jerry, I can't just call it! The fucking battery is dead!"
Omega_Hertz ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:55:56 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The God of Unsure Farts
Chalmerss ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:56:35 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The god of Marijuana, for obvious reasons
Ctrllogic ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:56:37 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
reddit
I_am_salad ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:56:38 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I would be the god of paperwork. Can you imagine how much prayer power I'd get within the first week?
"Please God let me get this audit finished on time! Please God get me through the DMV without causing GBH. Please God help me with these exams!"
On top of this, I could cause a massive amount of social progress by making politicians fuck up their cronyism plans and accidentally loophole in a bonus for the little guy.
Azura85 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:56:42 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The Goddess of Shaving, worship me with your fine creams and oils. Gently apply aftershave or lotion (not too much) and I will bless you with clear, hair free skin until 8-10 hours later. Anger me and I will ensure ingrown hairs, dull razors that give razor burn that stings like a thousand suns and cuts that make you question whether a hospital is in order.
keith_is_good ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:57:26 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The God of choosing the correct size Tupperware container to perfectly fit your leftovers the first time.
bonkbonkbonkbonk ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:57:42 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
naps
MyNudePepPep ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:57:52 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
420 blaze it
john_jony ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:57:54 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Gods of first world countries have vastly different issues to deal with compared to the ones from developing nations.
InherentComa ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:58:09 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of Marijuana Concentrates.
Elimanni ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:58:21 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I would be the god of running out of toilet paper.
FEAR ME!
floorplanner ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:58:23 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Donuts. I want to be the god of donuts.
Kahnonymous ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:58:33 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Behold! I am become the god of...
...loading ...loading ...loading
... lag. Gamers and Netflix binge watchers would be wise to oblige me and do my bidding.
Donk72 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:58:33 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The god of keeping it in when you really need to poo and are far from a toilet.
Those prayers will be sincere. Nobody wants to anger me in a time of need.
Cheshire_cat13 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:58:38 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of relaxation (Massage Therapist) ;)
Punchabearinnamouf ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:58:54 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The god who makes sure you have 4G in the bathroom.
TarHeel2682 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:58:54 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of ice in drinks. If you make me mad all of your ice freezes into a huge lump at the bottom, that lurches forward soaking your face and shirt in an ice cold tidal wave.
necropotence_2 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:58:59 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The god of random boners. These are the ones that pop up randomly often when you are tired that really can't be tied to a specific reason. Pray to me to ensure that these do not show up in awkward situations, disappoint me and the moment that you walk up to give a presentation I will ensure that your pants get tighter in the front.
stenseng ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:59:08 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Parking spots, traffic, seats, and tickets.
PvtZydrate ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:59:24 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I am the god of the last slice of pizza. I can't speak for the rest of the pizza, but those who pray to me will always find one more slice when they look in a box that would've otherwise been empty.
For my most devout servants, it was also not be rubbery when microwaved.
cwstjnobbs ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:59:25 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I would be the God Damnit! of stubbed toes.
Cower before me.
Twistedknerv ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:59:50 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Be the god of video game saltiness
lazanya652 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:59:59 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of hide and seek bladder. Every time someone finds a good hiding spot, I'll fill them with the burning desire to piss. Bonus points if the counter just finished counting.
randomunixsession ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:00:05 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of allmighty and everlasting nasal mucus. I'd be feared and hated alltrough the worlds, times and spaces all around in universe.
mattylou ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:00:12 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The god of missing forks
SupportstheOP ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:00:30 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The god of finishing last minute school assignments. It's ok, just go ahead and procrastinate for the rest of the week
sandyinthevandy ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:00:51 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The god of lack of willpower, i am the reason you pick the KFC big daddy instead of the very tasty salad. I sit there and judge you will you indulge in eating a tasty cookie. The most annoying god going.
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:01:04 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The god of placing the condom on your dick the correct orientation the first time and then having it unroll smoothly without taking up a lot of time or getting pulled too tight. It's an important fucking job
the-good-son ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:01:10 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The God of Printers.
Nicklovn ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:01:24 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of That Thing you did in 8th Grade
blixt141 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:01:35 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Either God of grocery shopping or land navigation.
zinc_cheesecake ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:01:35 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The God of deciding whether or not your phone breaks when you drop it. Piss me off and your phone will last like a middle school egg-drop. Please me, and a 6 foot drop onto cement will be nbd.
Suspiciously_high ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:02:13 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Testiclese, God of all balls and the intensity in which it hurts to get hit in them, also I make them wind up around themselves whenever you're exercising or walking in a public place.
recKENing ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:02:55 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I, Bootithian Upitus, control the speed at which your electronics start. Pray to me sufficiently and your morning will be pleasant. Ignore my importance and you shall never clock in on time again.
mrFACE47 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:03:04 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I would choose Lord of the last 10% of battery life. Appease me it will last but disgrace me and you may never even hear the. Warning beep.
Jtsrobin ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:03:05 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
microsoft excel
Schwadified ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:03:17 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Splitting dutches and cigarillos.
PM_ME_YOUR_VAGINITIS ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:03:19 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I, Vaginitis, am The God of Leg Day. Pray hard, because you never honor my sabbath by entering holy ground of Mount Squat Rack.
Phantom_Slide ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:04:07 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Toothpaste
SenorMasterChef ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:04:12 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I shall be the god of weak toilet paper. I will punish those who do not worship by when you wipe your butt your finger always pokes through. no matter how much TP you use.
SenorMasterChef ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:04:12 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I shall be the god of weak toilet paper. I will punish those who do not worship by when you wipe your butt your finger always pokes through. no matter how much TP you use.
notnowimworkin ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:04:20 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I would be Digitus, the thin fingered God of correctly entering passwords from a mobile device.
vindictive_sloth ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:04:27 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Staple removers. We have very sharp teeth, but for some strange reason no amount of trying will get us to remove that staple.
cappo40 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:04:42 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of Good Coffee
JDaddyLC ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:05:03 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
tortilla chips. i fuckin love tortilla chips
brendanode ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:05:05 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Ending up on Reddit. Giveth me praise or your entire work day will disappear before thine very eyes
GingerBreadNAM ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:05:08 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
"I am the God of that thing where you're just about to sneeze, but your friend is all "Hey, what's up?" and you suddenly freeze, and you still have that nose tingle; it's a horrible tease! And you're like, "Fuuuu-uuuuuu-uuuuuuck!!"
cobweb1989 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:05:19 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of firing elastic bands. Im deadly with those things.
Dwhitlo1 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:05:26 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The god of dreaming that you did your homework and therefore not doing it. Keep me happy and you never miss a deadline. Piss me off and you homework grade goes straight to hell.
rl8813 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:05:30 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I'd kill to be one of the "hockey gods". Even in some minor capacity such as god of healthy scratches, god of white tape, or god of fourthliner goal celebrations.
Zenpei ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:05:36 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I'm the apprentice of the God of the cyberspace. My primary job is to bless those who are true to the belief in safe internet surfing. Those who defile and misbehave will suffer the wrath of random lag and sudden high ping problems. Aside from that I'm also tasked into gazing deep into the web ensuring that everyone will find something when they are lurking and gazing into the web. Be nice and it's something of a gem worthy web page that you'll keep for life. Be bad and you'll end up with the weird side of youtube.
badtradesguy ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:06:02 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The god of deuces (pooping). so much power comes with that.
Thats_Ambience ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:06:02 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The god of not losing my other sock...
collinsl02 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:29:37 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Sorry, there's already a supernatural entity for that
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:06:11 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I'd be the god of work days that are slow enough to be easy but not slow enough to be boring.
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:06:14 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The God of breasts? Is that open? I hope it's open.
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:12:26 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
All you wicked little rats come out in droves now. Good you will all be served a second serving. I sit here and He judges you one by one.
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:18:20 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
What?
Danceable_Bleats ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:06:23 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Kew, God of Standing in Line.
Rossja96 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:06:26 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The god of keif stuck to the bottom of your grinder! Pray while your weed is plentiful and when you are without I will bless you with massive keifage.
Minecraftshenanigans ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:06:35 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Of chairs. Go around making them squeek or be more comfortable or what-have-you.
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:06:55 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I would be the God of procrastinating... I'll get to it sometime...
windam1992 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:07:08 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I'll be the God of Reddit.
Secretly down voting posts/comments whenever I like without any reason at all just to be felt.
You guys would be complaining to some retarded redditor when really, it's just me.
No really, it's just me downvoting you
Blackheart806 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:07:12 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Bongs and waterpipes.
VelociraptorFetus ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:07:20 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I would be the God of not dropping things you're idly playing with while you're doing actual work. My altar would be the floor, while you're on your knees looking for that pen lid you just dropped pray I won't strike you again with my wrath.
TearsOfLA ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:07:26 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
i would be the god of intense boredom
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:07:48 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Goddess of the Complicated Order, though they're never really as complicated as they're made out to be. Want a piping hot decaf iced coffee made of the purest tea leaves, 2 1/2 espresso shots and the tears of my children, and 0 calories? No hassle, no remakes. Exactly what you ordered, every time.
dinkdinkdinkdinkdink ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:07:58 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
RNG god
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:08:12 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Eating pussy, I guess.
mintchan ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:08:18 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
TwIxToR_TiTaN ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:08:21 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The god of programming I wish
or the god of bicycling because I ride my bike to school daily (2 hours a day.) and I enjoy it.
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:08:21 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of minimal to no shit after you wipe.
sinRes ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:08:23 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The god of making sure that there is always toilet paper. It may not be the coolest title, but who would risk my wrath?
TheCountOfPurgatory ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:08:38 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of the motorists orange light. This includes both fuel lights and traffic lights
theOPwhowaspromised ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:08:40 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Goddess of Fried Shrimp. In my contentment, you will e're taste the seasoned crisp of perfect batter, the luscious and delicate flesh will give way beneath your teeth in a steamy brine of oceanic goodness, and the dipping sauce will caress your palate with the tenderness and devotion of a lover. In my wrath, you will gnaw through rubbery bits of meat, almost distracted enough by the soggy, raw batter to ignore the essence of whore loins emanating from the greasy coating of simultaneously over- and under-cooked crustacean.
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:08:46 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of avocados. Deliciousness for the enjoyment of all!
Shogo1307 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:08:53 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of Decently Good Deeds.
amassiveinferiority ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:09:17 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Cheese mold. Specifically, how long your cheese will last before becoming moldy. Make me angry, and no pizzas will be able to be made.
AwesomeRadical ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:09:33 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of the Autocorrect. I will smite nonbelievers with illegible texts and mildly inconvenience the masses!
SapphirePhoenix ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:09:39 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The god of glass. I could keep your windows and other glass objects from breaking, or use my powers to fix them.
perfectthrow ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:09:48 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of locking your keys in your car. Fail to pray to me at least once a week and you could be stuck in the Home Depot parking lot, 6 miles away from the job site you really need to be at in like 30 minutes.
Squillem ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:09:52 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The God of extra pieces from Ikea furniture that you just finished assembling.
johnnybiggles ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:09:59 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The God of cellphone service. Heed to thy word and ye shall haveth one more bar.
BearRepublic ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:10:00 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of Deleting Browser History.
Significant other about to use your computer? Yeah I'm there for you.
Plane starts to go down. At least you won't have to worry about your parents seeing that website you visited at two in the morning.
Altaloma23 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:10:10 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The God of pencils. I would be the all mighty being who chooses if your pencil will break or not, right after removing it from the sharpener.
peckie ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:10:19 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The God of Jolly Ranchers. You better pray to me when you're about to eat one or it might just turn out to be something else.
aburp ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:10:20 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I want to be the God of Meh. Why have a good day when it can be, meh. Why have a bad day? It could be MEH! There are degrees of Meh, but...meh...
BillNotABong ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:10:28 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of Unkinked Water Hoses. Dragging that 100 foot hose all the way to the back yard? Better offer up some prayers first. Or I swear it will get caught on every corner, shrub, car tire and kid's toy that you pass. Don't even think of turning on the faucet expecting it to flow the first time without making a small tribute in my name.
Hazcat3 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:10:29 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Corelle, Goddess of unbreakable dishes.
If appropriately appeased I will mend dishes/crockery of all kinds. Particularly useful if you are a clumsy museum employee and break an 18th century Qing but also valued by the most humble and frugal homeowner. Beware, once my favor is granted your dishes will never break and you earn my wrath if you throw them out because you don't want to look at them anymore. Pass them respectfully on to a family member and I may be merciful.
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:10:33 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I am the God of That Thing Where You're Just About to Sneeze and Then Your Friend Is All "Hey, What's Up" and You Suddenly Freeze But Then You Still Have That Nose Tingle It's A Horrible Tease And You're Like "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK!!!!!"
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:10:40 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The God of capturing and returning all the thoughts you lose right before you are about to say them.
Mr_Wasteed ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:10:56 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of Telepathic mouse. Worship me and you can just move the mouse with your eyes. Imagine what more can you do with one extra free hand.
alterpanda ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:10:59 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
the God Of Coca-Cola, with my friend being the Pepsi God, we go back and forth constantly, every now and then his girlfriend chimes in with RC and that is the only time we are on the same side
ReallyBadAtSpelling ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:11:02 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The God of urinating with one hand while using a smartphone with the other.
Inspiration: I'm shaking right now.
auspicious123456 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:11:05 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I'm surprised no one has claimed this power yet. I'll be the god of Internet buffering. Please me and you will never struggle with load times, even when your phone only has 2 bars of 3G. Anger me, and no bandwidth will save you from an eternity of THIS
TheOneTrueTrench ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:11:09 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I would become Thalia, the goddess of comedy.
Everything that goes bad in a funny way where you want to cry but you laugh anyway? That's my doing.
pajamasx ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:11:10 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of your mom
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:11:34 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Goddess of waiting in line. If you plan on being rude to the clerk/person at the other end of the line, well, you'll have a long time to wait. If you plan on being nice, you'll get straight through.
mrcloudies ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:11:46 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The god of that song you can't get out of your head.
Please me and it will be pleasant music you like.
Displease me, and you get
"oops I did it again!
I played with your heart!
Got lost in the game!"
Shit! What was the rest of it?
Then it repeats. You don't remember the rest of the lyrics, so its just half the chorus for hours.
Blewedup ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:11:49 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
god of the internet!
NobleHalcyon ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:12:03 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Staples.
"You must worship me, or be forced to keep track of your shitty TPS reports! BOW, LOWLY CUBE-DWELLER."
brenin44 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:12:26 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
THE GOD OF FOOD POISONING OR SHARTING ๐
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:12:27 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Sandwiches. No question
IHeartCannabis ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:12:34 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The most evil, the god of lag.
Thesnowpoet ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:12:51 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Im going to be the god of mistyping Every time you kit the wrong key on your keyboard thats me, surprise motherfuckers
Kanotari ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:12:53 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I shall be the goddess of the Department of Motor Vehicles, gatekeeper to Satan's minions, and the blight upon the impatient. If you have truly pleased me, I will bless your the lines so that you might actually be helped in fewer than seven galactic standard hours. If I chose to smite you, you will discover that you have filled out form T-397A instead of T-397B and must leave the line to sate my ange
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:12:59 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of dried squid snacks
DataBiter ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:14:08 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I'd be the God of moving sidewalks in airports, praying to me guarantees you can walk down it instead of standing without tripping and smashing your face on the floor.
dexstrat ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:14:12 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of washing machines. Fuck your socks, you have to buy double the pairs.
GentlemenScience ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:14:13 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I would be the God of RNG to make gamers fear and revere me.
gorchitza ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:14:18 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of programming Excel macros with VBA.
Pray to me and we will sit side by side and try to figure this macro out.
HydroLeakage ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:14:25 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Traffic, I've always wanted to be the god of traffic. Smiting those assholes who don't use their turn signals.
I've always wanted to be the god of traffic, it has been an ultimate fantasy of mine.
satori_moment ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:14:33 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of gas prices. The most praised and dammed of all the new lesser gods.
slurmfactory ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:14:38 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
a good nights sleep
A_BOMB2012 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:14:44 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I would be the god of Masturbaiting for over an hour.
ashleyschafferbmw ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:15:06 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I'd be the god of the cool side of the pillow. Doesn't seem like a too much work but would bring people a lot of joy.
PaPa_ZeuS ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:15:07 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of Prayers. You have to sort out all the bullshit prayers for all the higher-up gods.
durvid86 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:15:11 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
god of songs that get stuck in your head!!!! Piss me off and it's the song that never ends!! Forever!!!
BestBaconatorNA ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:15:27 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I'd be the God of toilet paper. Appease me and you'll never run out. Anger me and I'll be sure it's out before you wipe. Face the walk of shame for the rest of your life!
LuvinMclovin ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:15:29 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of orgasms. No one will ever have to fake it anymore.
paleprincessx ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:15:42 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Can I please be the god of public transport, pray to me to make sure that the sweaty smelly person doesn't sit next to you again. If you do me wrong I will make you late for work.
Shanack ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:16:05 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The god of being unbelievably comfy, then frustrated because you have to get up to pee, the relieved as you return and get just as comfortable..
ScriptLoL ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:16:13 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I would be the God of eye floaties. Keep me happy and they will disappear quickly, but forget to pray and disregard me... They will last MINUTES!
Itziclinic ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:16:14 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I'd be the God of the 5-Minute snooze that seems to last forever. Smiting would entail waking with a panicked feeling that you've slept-in and missed whatever you needed to wake up for.
Don't confuse me with my supervisor, Power Nap.
im2fat2move ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:16:34 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I'll be the god first pancake. Yeah it's me who always makes the first pancake come out shitty
lolzmoarwut ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:16:50 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The god of clean public toilets.
sanic123 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:17:12 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of cum tissues. Thou shalt offer all cum tissues thee produceth to my altar.
memberzs ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:17:25 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of the commute to work. You may hate me today but praise me or tomorrow will be worse.
Designer_B ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:17:49 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Tangled headphone cords. You pretended not to see that guy drop his books? Muahahaha your headphones are going to get caught on a door handle.
MrNPC009 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:17:52 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of lighters and smoking paraphernalia.
Stay within my good graces, and you will always get one last hit from your bowl and a lighter blessed at my altar will always be returned from that scumbag that pocketed it.
ArroganceHoTS ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:17:54 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Twitch chat Kappa BibleThump. I was born into the spam. Seriously though, very entertaining.
Averyphotog ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:17:59 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Can I be the God of Chariot Races?
Lurking4Justice ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:18:00 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
copiers...bow the fuck down y'all
Scro0pyN0opers ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:18:04 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Collectible card games. You can thank me when you pull that foil Tarmogoyf and curse me on your fourth mulligan in a row.
RosieEmily ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:18:13 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of "Don't worry, that thing you did at the pub last night isn't as bad as you think it is. In fact everyone else was so drunk by that point as well that no one even noticed"
InsaneBurrtio ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:18:17 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of stuttering. Worship hard for perfect speeches, and flawless roasts. Forget to pray? Cursed with the stuttering of porky pig.
Telhelki ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:18:33 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of Simplified Explanations. The greater the sacrifice (US cash only), the more simplified the explanation.
For example: asking my oracle to explain how a microwave works with a sacrifice of $5, you would be told, "it uses radiation to heat up what is inside." Now if you bump that sacrifice up to $10, the response would be, "it makes food hotter."
goldminevelvet ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:18:40 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I would be the Goddess of arriving on time. Pray to me and I'll make sure you'll always get the green traffic light, no obstructions on your way to go someplace..and you always leave the house without having to go back because you forgot something.
Bobthemime ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:19:02 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of Spoons that go missing.
I can never find a spoon.
Sourpatchkillerstwin ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:19:07 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I shall be the god of toweling down gym equipment after using it. Piss me off and your gym pass will be revoked.
Duck4lyf3 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:19:12 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I'd be the God of writing utensils. Pray to me and I shall grant that your pen or pencil or whatever you write with shall not be misplaced or taken by a heathen who I allowed theirs to be misplaced because they don't believe in me. I accept incremental amounts of pen ink and broken graphite as sacrifice.
kempsishere ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:20:00 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of getting that gunk out from under your finger nails.
attrox_ ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:20:03 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Since I spend lots of time in the toilet. The god of pooping. Pray to me so you don't get diarheaa
Untrained_Monkey ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:20:15 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Toilet paper. The lord of TP giveth, the lord of TP taketh away.
Rawbbeh ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:20:39 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The God of showering. What could be better than nice warm water in the morning and being fresh before being turned over to the God of going to work?
3no3 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:20:54 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Not very original, since it came from Discworld, but I quite like idea of being the "Oh, God" of hangovers.
spicyrocket ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:20:58 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
putting dishes into the dishwasher..someone has to do it and i wanna be worshipped for it
coreyshep ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:21:01 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I would handle all of the mundane prayers. When people pray for a good test grade or for good weather, I'll be there to do the exact opposite to teach them not to interfere with my divine plan.
NicoleTheVixen ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:21:21 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of punctuality. I could decide if people get to work on time.
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:21:22 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
buttholes
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:21:27 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Computer/digital input devices.
serisho ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:21:30 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Poop. The god of poop. If you're constipated you must pray to me and i will release you of your dooties.
mad_lithuanian ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:21:33 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I would be the god of turning off lights in empty rooms.
Bennyr4 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:21:37 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The god of highschool hallway traffic.
Pray to me and there won't be any freshman fucking up the traffic :)
walrus122 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:21:50 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Lizards.
Blaqsheep214 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:21:54 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The God of Flatulence. Worship me, or sharts!
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:22:09 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of having an extra charger when your phone dies
SargeMacLethal ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:22:13 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I shall be the god of not getting sucked into neutron stars! Pray to me that you may find favor with my master, Braben.
chaquarius ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:22:19 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of scratching itchy spots. There'd be idols of me in public showers, hot tubs, and wool sweater stores everywhere.
The-Sound-of-Thunder ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:22:22 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Sandwich making.
DoomRocks ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:22:31 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I'd be the god of texting. May they be crisp, clear, and clever
gin_and_toxic ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:22:38 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of bathhouse. I watch over those beautiful people so they don't get into accident while bathing...
mab1376 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:23:02 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of Coffee, which inherently translates to productivity.
NSNick ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:23:09 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I'll be the god of pedantry. Every time you correct a small, mundane error, you will feel the light of my blessing.
Meleagros ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:23:45 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The god of the goal line. You should have ran the ball
PudTimmy ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:23:50 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Staplers, those who worship the stapler god will always find just enough staples in their stapler.
eDgEIN708 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:23:55 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The God of Unpausing.
Fast forwarding through commercials? Trying to jump to a specific spot in a video? Upset me and your life will be
a nightmaremildly inconvenient.cribking44 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:24:02 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The God of Pizza
Lord_of_the_Dance ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:24:03 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of, when the sun shines through a dress and makes it transparent
all4hurricanes ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:24:05 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I'd be the god of toothpaste foam; at the end of your 2 minutes of recommended brushing will you look like a rabid dog or a Crest commercial actor? I also team up with the intern of orange juice to spite those that ignore me.
legoman1237 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:24:08 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of Procrastination.
I'll answer your prayers, but I'm kinda...uh...busy right now
omgitsjo ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:24:14 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
You know how interns answer most mail for politicians? I'll be reviewing your prayers and giving the numbers to my bosses.
Thedoctorjedi ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:24:19 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Gaming... It's something we do everyday, right?
g-a-r-n-e-t ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:24:23 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I am Cola, goddess of overpressurized carbonated beverages. Call upon me by thumping on the top of your can, or reciting a prayer while slowly turning the plastic cap, and you shall receive my mercy. Failure to do so will result in a torrent of my fizzy wrath upon everything you own and love.
TellanIdiot ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:24:27 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of Mouse Clicks
hashtotheman ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:24:42 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I am hazardous, God of that slight trip you do when you are walking.
DickVanSprinkles ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:24:43 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The God of the incorrect fast food order! If you have been good, you will receive more items, and extra ketchup than you have asked and paid for. If you have been bad, oh if you have been bad, you will receive everything you specifically requested be removed, and one item of your wife's meal will be forgotten.
CG_Oglethorpe ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:24:47 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I want to be the god of "Remote Controls" I want prayer and supplication every time someone loses the remote and needs to find it again. They can also pray for help configuring them instead of codes.
Superprattual ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:24:53 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Goddess of parking straight on the first try
N3UROTOXIN ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:24:53 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Finding something as soon as you ask someone for help even though you looked past it for like 10 damn minutes "where is the temple? Turn around sir"
LazyGamerMike ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:25:05 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
god of going nowhere, for all those lazy people procrastinating.
AppleDane ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:25:22 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I'd be the God of Remembering the Name of Those Things that Go into That Other Thing with The Red Stuff You Know What They're Called?
abcedarian ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:25:26 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The god of paper cuts. They are small, but they will ruin your day. BOW BEFORE ME, PEASANTS!
CrossbowROoF ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:25:27 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of checking yourself before clicking Send To All.
abcbri ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:25:39 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Cell phone service.
The_0bserver ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:25:47 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of Video buffering.
pl233 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:25:50 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The god of Please Just Work. I accept prayers in the form of smashed fingers, profanity, percussive maintenance, and exasperated sighs.
shadowenx ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:25:52 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The Little God of Heavy Sighs.
Every time you realize your job is going nowhere, your spouse doesn't love you, and your life is a mess... sigh -and there I am.
steven8765 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:25:54 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)*
i'll be the god of everything battery related. When you find it weird that those brand new batteries you bought a week ago are now dead you know you pissed me off.
PMMeTitsQuestionmark ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:26:02 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of RNG.
ottrocity ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:26:03 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The god of remembering to buy the essentials when you go to the store. Appease me and you'll never run out of toothpaste or toilet paper again.
Chaznoodles ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:26:08 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The god of those holes that you can never find but there's always a draft from.
youngfootsteps ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:26:11 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I would be the god of getting a key-ring open on the first try. My priests would jangle ever so softly.
Ithinkiplaygames ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:26:25 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of pizza sounds pretty good.
foxsable ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:26:36 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Normally i would say mountain dew, but with the return of surge (with it's corresponding evil god), I am not as sure.
jeramiatheaberator ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:26:38 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of every 1 star movie on Netflix
Scipio229 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:26:45 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The god of porn obstruction. Fail to honor me and feel the wrath of my MacKeeper pop-up bolt.
TheDragonOfWinterfel ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:26:58 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Blunt Freshness. Tired of stale White owls Phillies and Dutches. Pray to me.
trionisus ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:27:15 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I would be the god of the renegade fry. So everytime you find the curly fry with your regular fries and vice versa.
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:27:26 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I would pick being the god of making you forget that one thing you needed for the day to be successful the moment you realized its too late to go back and get it.
renernavilez ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:27:26 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of sitting. I choose whether or not that's a good place to put a bench in the park. I choose the time limit you have of sitting before your ass really really hurts. I choose if your seat on the bus will have subtle stains of shit. If you get that seat, just know that you deserve it. Is the seat leveled out well? No? Deal with it... You can't. I'm the God of sitting. It's dirty job, but it's my job.
Sundance91 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:27:26 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The god of putting USBs in the right way the first time.
Allen3L ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:28:07 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The god of Starbucks. Your coffee will be perfect. .. unless you order pumpkin spice anything, are a basic bitch, or a fucking hipster.
Wooper160 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:28:21 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
This reminds me of the Starbomb song where, in God of war XIII I think it is, Kratos is looking for obscure gods to kill. I would be the god of silent but deadly farts
kadaeux ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:28:32 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The God of AMA's, if you anger me I will unleash angry redditors at you.
Kjellvis ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:28:37 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I would be the god of quality foot wear. St. Hubbins would be my most devout disciple whose name sake was the lead singer for Spinal Tap
jscythe ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:28:54 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
masturbating
cartographer721 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:28:56 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Lucky got-two-for-one vending machine purchases.
Zero4505 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:29:00 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of key finding. Pray to me and you will find your keys 100% in the first place you look.
Shaysdays ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:29:03 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I will be the goddess of taking off your bra without taking off your shirt.
kyumin2lee ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:29:42 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Coffee God
LiftersLife ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:29:44 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The DMV
BloodyElk ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:29:53 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I'd be the God of the pee trickle. Pray to me throughout the duration of your tinkle and you might not get a sprinkle on your pants that everyone can see.
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:30:02 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The god of bro-ing out.
soloborn ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:30:16 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Drunk sex and TPS reports.
MadammeMarkus ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:30:19 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I'd be the God of Dishes. For those who worship me all filth will easily slip of the dishes. For those who dare blaspheme the filth will dry up and stick to even the sleekest of cutlery.
Loistradyn ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:30:41 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I'd be the god of all those items by the cashier check-out in a retail store. I'd be an evil deity that tempts your children and you to buy things like candy bars, soft drinks, "as seen on TV" items, and tabloid magazines right as you're about to leave the store. None shall escape my wrath!
OrangeDuckey ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:30:42 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of Crumbs, how i will be inconvenient and slightly annoy you.
QueuedeSpool ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:30:48 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I will be Criticus Pathicus, the god of insufficient planning.
Were you too stupid to pull a Scotty and overestimate your estimate to your boss? Then pray to me and I'll get your project cancelled long before you're ever asked to deliver!
Did you misidentify the critical path? I'll make everything take so much longer that by the end it WILL be the critical path!
Did you overbudget your project and forget to make sure your credit and debit columns matched? I'll get your boss arrested for embezzlement and let you sweep your mistake under the rug!
Did you forget to write down everyone's orders before you went out to buy lunch for everyone? I'll give them all heart attacks before you have to embarrass yourself by calling the office to reconfirm everyone's orders!
All I ask is you give me every single child you conceived because you forgot to use a condom. See? Even when I take I give! I am truly a merciful, baby-eating god!
kuyatoby ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:31:01 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I'd be the god of toilet paper, if you upset me, I'll ensure the public stall you rushed into to take care of business in does not have any toilet paper in it.
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:31:11 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of ass wipe. If you're in my grace, your poop will run smoothly and you have a smooth clean wipe.
Loose my grace and it will get messier and messier to the point where you will use half of toilet paper rolls and spend lot's of time in a frustrating agony.
TheGompStomp ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:31:14 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I'd be the god of watching your step. Never accidentally kick over a glass of water or step pong directly on your glasses. But don't you slight me, you bastards, or it'll be midnight LEGO pieces and phantom stairs for the rest of your life!
Ignaciosc ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:31:35 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of poop. Everybody worships me!
nitro_buster ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:31:43 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of lemons seeing as life is really that good for me to be a god.
GrayGray4468 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:31:44 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Masturbation.
BufloSolja ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:31:45 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of yawning (since when you want to but can't, it's really unbearable).
nickins ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:31:53 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Schadenfreude.
Gr1pp717 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:31:57 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of nothing.
Nothing in the sense of staycations, "working from home" and just overall laziness. Need to paint the house this weekend? Fuuuuuck that, man. You got redditing/gaming/sleeping/drinking to do.
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:31:59 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I'm the god of tits and wine
Amanoo ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:36:05 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)*
I'm sorry, that position has already been taken by Bacchus/Dionysos.
monkeyfullofbarrels ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:32:17 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I would be the god of shower beers. -we celebrate single twenty somethings going out on the town -we sooth middle aged deck builders on hot summer saturdays -we all come together as apres skiers.
verysaxyberry ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:32:25 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Goddess of online activities. Please me and no one will never know about your strange fetishes. Anger me and I will make sure that there is a power outage at the most inopportune time.
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:32:32 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I would be the god of the left lane . Anger me and there will be a driver in the left lane going 20 under and a person right next to you doing the same speed! Pray to me and the traffic shall part!
GIOverdrive ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:32:48 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of dropping your perfectly good controller on the ground jamming a button and/or the God of having to keep at least in part of your body on the furniture while reaching for it instead of getting up.
acrowsmurder ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:32:50 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Time. Mundane when you can't control it, but you'd be the God of Gods if you did. Everything answers to time sooner or later.
wikisaiyan ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 20:17:56 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
pretty sure Kronos already got that job down buddy
acrowsmurder ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 21:36:45 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
But He's locked away in Tartarus. Someone has to fill in for Him.
ladylaburnum ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:33:11 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I'd be the god of stuck kitchen drawers (kudos to anyone who gets the reference)
Stav3ng3r ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:33:19 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of Unfortunate Chains of Events, worship me good, and you may find the elevator on your floor, or and empty cashier in the supermarket in the morning. On the contrary, you may forget your car keys on the cashier and remembered 15 mins after closing time.
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:33:24 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Secretary of the Gods. I maintain the list of which supernatural creatures, demi-gods, heroes, etc. are and are not divine, who is owed favors by which other God, etc.
Then like Stalin, I use my essential role in the bureaucratic process to outmaneuver and eliminate my rivals and become the primary god.
NiallDrake ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:33:34 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The God of the Internet. Be good to me and you shall have no problems, no spam, all legit transactions, etc. Get on my bad side and you shall have internet connection problems when you need it most, you shall get all the viruses, etc.
ByWilliamfuchs ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:33:43 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Wondering thoughts like a sub level muse. Worship me and you will think of brillance and actually remember it long enough to put it to use.
7ate9 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:33:48 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Simon, the God of Hairdos; or Geoff, the God of Biscuits!
McLyan ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:33:56 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Cheese. God of cheese. Chermes
FrostySt ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:33:59 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I'd like to be the god of deciding what to eat for dinner. The answer is always pizza.
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:34:12 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I'd be the God of occasionally nudging your subconscious so you glance at your phone when it's precisely 11 minutes past 11.
rtop ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:34:32 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The God of Songs Stuck in Your Head. Oh that would be a fun one. "Let it go! Let it go! Can't hold it back any more!" I would need a pretty big promotion to give that one up.
I'm told I already have some powers in this area, and have not used them entirely for good.
Nikoli_Delphinki ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:34:32 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The god of fixing things by being in the general proximity to the end user and end device.
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:34:38 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The God of Ink.
I will give you the best pens, my children.
Weave27 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:34:42 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I will be Weave27, god of "what do you want to do tonight?"
I will decide what we will be doing/eating/ watching every night.
Crislips ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:34:47 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I would be the God of choosing from a box of assorted chocolates. If you pray to me and are good, you will get something delicious and worthwhile. Otherwise, you will be getting a disappointing waste of calories and will regret your decision until the taste leaves your mouth.
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:34:48 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I will do the unfortunate duty of being the God of cleaning toilets. Figured I can get a slight pay raise with all my current shit cleaning experience
Staktaz1 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:34:51 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The God of Tentacles.Simply put I would rule Japanese hentai.
clamps12345 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:35:00 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I will be the god of bootleg fireworks displays, you may call me Lord Reekris
theFATHERofLIES ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:35:06 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I be the Lord of decent fiction sections in libraries and bookstores! Grant me your undying love and you will find in your hands that new Chuck Palahniuk novel you've been dying to read, or perhaps something by David Sedaris! Deny me, and I'll curse you with dyslexia.
arigaa ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:35:06 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of watching TV.
Pachi2Sexy ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:35:17 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The god of Public Trasportation
Try will my power to make it free for everyone .
Aljap ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:35:18 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The god of nose picking
dragonfyre173 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:35:28 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of Syntax Errors. Praise me and you shall never miss a semicolon.
ag3nt_cha0s ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:35:37 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I'm the god of mild annoyances. Ever get gum on the bottom of your shoe? Ever trip just a little but not fall down? That's me. Just slightly ruining your day. Sacrifice a gold fish to me to stop that shit.
palaceofflyingllamas ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:36:13 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of yawning, since I do that a lot.
JoeBourgeois ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:36:40 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Parking.
DeMoNzIx ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:36:58 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of "I am late to class and hope to find a seat without being noticed."
ModernApothecary ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:36:59 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The name's Scruffy, God of the Janitors.
Touchthiscookie ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:37:22 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Touchin cookies.
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:37:22 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I would simply be the God of fluctuating internet. Through the power of my divine will, I will smite down your connect to a few Mbps whilst those who pray to me shall be blessed with stable, reliable internet at peak times.
moxy801 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:37:31 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Staying up late
krkr8m ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:37:43 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The god of remembering that embarrassing thing you did 5 years ago.
Pickledsoul ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:37:44 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
leg shaking
Fuzzy_Dalek ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:37:48 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The God of Amiibo Hunting. Smite the Scalpers, send a prophet to give to the less fortunate.
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:37:54 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
the god of get fresh undies .... everybody love fresh undies
ConsideringClara ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:37:59 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Overseer of Random number generators.
postedByDan ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:38:06 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The god Dรฉjร Vu. Honor me with some small ritual every day at the same time and I bless you by letting you revisit important moments you missed the first time around. My curse is a weird feeling that there is a glitch in the digital program called the Universe.
Worlds_Best_Coffee ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:38:08 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Coffee.
Drink it black in my name and be welcomed by my angelic barristas in the aftershop.
Save4321 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:38:26 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of opening bottle screw caps.
SomeNiceButtfucking ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:38:29 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of Exotic Dildos
Fernandoobie ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:38:30 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I'll be the God of Flatulence. Adore me and I'll make sure your silent gases leave without a scent and desist from embarrassing you in public. Offend me and expect a change of underwear.
Derezzed_Iben ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:38:34 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I would be the god of warm seats from people who sat in them before you. I can reward you with a warm seat, or punish you with a warm toilet seat.
Wylis ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:38:37 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I would be God of Things Sticking to Pans or Not. Appease me with patient and attentive cooking. And decent pans!
BadIdeaSociety ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:38:46 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The God of Murdering People Who Leave Urine Puddles or Fecal Stains in Public Restrooms
b2dters ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:39:00 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of traffic light! Be nice to me, I'll make sure you got all those green lights.
inthetoday ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:39:04 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I would be the God of pouring the perfect pint; watching over bartenders all over the world, discretely giving their hands that slight nudge to pour the perfect pint.
AnythingOther ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:39:14 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of public bathroom. Worship me so that in your time of need, you shall find a bathroom, and it shall be clean and stocked with plenty of toilet paper and have no cues.
mynoduesp ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:39:20 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The God of a good nights sleep.
drew2057 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:39:26 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of random number generation. Oh you want that natural 20? Better pray...I can't hear you...LOUDER MAGGOTS, I SAID PRAY!!
MrDowntempo ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:39:33 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Tetrises, God of blocks.
jujusulu ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:40:04 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I'd be the god of things that get stuck in your teeth/braces.
Pray to me, and they shalt be dislodged. May you be blessed with pristine teeth.
arzon75 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:40:07 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The God of residual toilet butt-warmth.
Pray to me and it will disappear before your fanny meets the seat. Anger me, and even the toilet in your own home will be unpleasantly warm.
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:40:16 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The God of routers. Pray to me, punt mortals, your internet connection depends on it.
Defiant9999 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:40:24 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The God of awkward interactions.
DrunkJesus_ ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:40:26 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I would be the god that decides how messy your poop will be depending on the inconvenience of said poop.
fireandbrimstonepunk ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:40:37 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I am already the saint of electrical extension cords.
the_fish_whisperer ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:40:38 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
has anybody taken the god of awkward boners?
EugenesCure ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:40:41 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The God of Oh shit where did that spider go?
RemyRemjob ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:40:56 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I would be the God of autosaving. Making sure there's always an auto save right before you die. Looking at you, FNV.
flaskhalses ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:40:57 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of Salad Bars. If you don't respect me, I'll make sure you get stuck behind that indecisive, picky guy with poor coordination who takes three minutes picking the exact lettuce leaves he wants.
Chafirius ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:41:01 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I would be the god of just barely arriving on time to that important event you had planned, even though you woke up 1 hour later then expected.
Crossfox17 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:41:51 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Waking up in the morning. It is simultaneously mundane and extremely important. Piss me off and never wake up again.
pretzelfanatic ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:41:56 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
i guess ill be the god of pretzels.
JarlaxleForPresident ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:42:09 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Breakfast
Wandering_Soul_ ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:42:14 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of shopping lines. Be good, you get no line or a short quick one. Piss me off and you will be stuck behind the person who can't find their cash, credit card, or forgot an item on their list
dat_pandeh_guy ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:42:38 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I would be the God of Stable Wi-fi Connections, a powerful role where I can bring millions to their knees.
jdb08 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:42:44 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I would definitely be the god of traffic. May I always be in your favor... Or you shall have eternal rush hour.
By_Another_Name ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:43:09 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of Perfect Google Searches. Offer unto me and I will render exactly that thing that you're thinking of.
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:43:13 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The god of itchy taints.
I will be king. Or they will suffer itchy taints for eternity.
iamfrankfrank ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:43:14 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Sports cars. Roam the highways in my golden chariot pulled by a team of F40s.
pizzadeadpool ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:43:17 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God Of Untangled Ear Buds
Save4321 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:44:44 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I'm an atheist then
nowes ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:43:19 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of WiFi
Keep me happy and all your rooms shall be covered and the signal unbroken make me angry and you get just enough signal to try to use it but too little to be any use, unlike your neighbor that you hate who gets full signal (from your router)
(don't try to password protect it either or i might make a deal with my colleague passwordicus god of forgetting passwords)
Thrysh ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:43:24 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Jeff, God of Biscuits
codemagic ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:43:29 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
As per my username, I'm the God of successful compiles (if in my good graces, even on the first draft!).
thatguy1210 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:43:34 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I am the God of clean public restrooms. Pray to me and you will never be fouled with a veritable shit-storm of filth when you need to pee 5 hours into that road trip. Don't piss me off though...
Save4321 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:43:41 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of socks. I am in charge of the sock heaven to which all the missing socks from the washing mashine go after they have died a painful, spinning death.
geoffinitelyill ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:44:04 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I'd be the god of unexpected free wifi. Eureka!
danfow22 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:44:12 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I'll be the god of does your foot fall asleep after sitting down for a while.
AlphaMW3 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:44:27 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Procrastination, I'd rock the lazy and the useless.
atrainmadbrit ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:44:28 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The worlds railways, ensureing trains are on time and the arseholes that jump the gates get hit
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:45:05 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of Reddit servers
Otis_FancyPants ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:45:21 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Procrastination.
Lonelan ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:45:35 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Netflix buffering.
throwaway2631284 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:45:56 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Sushi
wtfnevermind ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:45:59 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Spelling.
alyraptor ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:46:04 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Pulling it off.
Bad hair day? Not with me as your best friend. Suddenly it's the new look.
Tanisha thinks she's so hot? Well suddenly her outfit is like, SO last season.
And even while I'm saying this, I know I wouldn't be able to keep up with current trends. At some point I'll probably just start phoning it in or trying to fuck with people.
Didymos_Black ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:46:06 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I'm the God of the Missing Sock. I'm the god you curse when you're left without a mate.
Anatolysdream ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:46:08 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I would be recallus, the God of remembering why you came into this room. Send a brief prayer to me, & I will bring that absent thought back to the front of your brain. Sing my praises daily, and you will never have brain freeze.
FkinSteve ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:46:08 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of Janitors
cleaning shit with the snap of my fingers. goddamit my job would be cake.
FxHVivious ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:46:12 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Jeff, God of Biscuits!
XXXFatalFallacyXXX ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:46:12 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of random bruises.
Normandyke ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:46:25 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The god of whiskey drinking and beard growing
Nam-Ereh-Won ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:46:28 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I would be the God of Vague Statements That Are Not-Quite-True but Quicker than a Full Explaination. You, because time and things.
Darkseh ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:46:30 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of Procrastination cause I am really good at it. I am procrastinating right now.
rufrignkidnme ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:46:34 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I'm late to the party. but I would be the god of Bowel Movements.
Praise me and you will have an easy life. Disappoint me and you will have a rough time.
M68000 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:46:36 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The god of discontent with having to work a job you don't want.
RollYourD6Nerd ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:46:47 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Copy and paste requests.
ChanguitaShadow ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:46:51 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The goddess of garlic and onions sauteeing
bickbastardly ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:47:41 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of pencils, if you've earned my good grace your lead will never break or dull. All erasers will be effective and never diminish is size.
whatyougonsay ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:47:42 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I would be the god of hangovers. An angry, wrathful god that must be appeased with copious amounts of meade.
Jchud002 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:47:52 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Gluten
zeroecho ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:47:54 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Personal Item Battery Charge Limit... keep me happy and I'll your phone good til you find a charger... piss me off and you'll miss that last IMPORTANT text you need.
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:48:21 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Tossing stuff into the trashcan from across the room. Praise Lord BuCket$ of the hopeful toss. The ultimate do or die of social etiquette. Your sacrifice will be rewarded as I guide your spiralbound notebook scraps to glory. Raise your fists skyward and revel in my blessings. Verily, A great steer's blood on my altar will grant your soda can passage through the recycling bin hole at 20 yards. But Beware my wrath. Shouldst thou anger me, I will be sure that all of your sloppy trash hits the floor, no matter how close you are. Clearing your tray at Arby's? The swinging trash door now is heavy as the stone tablets upon which you found these words. My fury will prevent you from even peeing standing up without making a mess. Your wife will be forced to sit in your piss. Your children will hate you for causing the divorce and ultimately you will beg me for mercy as you attempt to throw away your last photos of them and they fall to the floor face up over and over again.
dedden ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:48:41 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I'd be the God of Questionable Farts. Those in my good graces are noted by their skidmark-free underwear, while those who stir my wrath face embarrassing waddles to the nearest restroom.
Rollatoke ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:48:48 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Hahah The God of battery life! Thought you were going to watch a video on your phone on the bus without headphones eh? Not under my minimal godship!
Star64 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:49:04 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Not necessarily a god, but I would probably work in marketing and social media. Think about it - just about every organization NEEDS marketing done for them and I'd think a group of gods would love someone to keep up a good image for them. Also, I like the idea of creatives praying to an alter of me before delivering a pitch or something. So therefore, I'd be the god of marketing.
lickthecowhappy ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:49:13 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The god of junk drawers. I can choose to give you all the rubberbands you need or I can make that wood glue leak all over the box of matches. As long as I'm placated with expired coupons and takeout menus I'll be a generous god.
TheSexiestManAlive ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:49:24 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I'd be the God of seeing attractive people in public. Praise me, and the girl handing you your Wendy's through the drive-thru window will be both cute and at least 18 so you don't feel guilty about thinking she's cute. Anger me and it will be a man.
drwuzer ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:49:29 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Logging in
mooseman9911 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:49:29 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
the god of urination.. every time you pee you have to pay tribute of some kind
muellermeierschulz ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:49:32 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I would be the god of calls from the auto repair shop after rolling in because of funny noises.
fiveforchaos ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:49:59 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The goddess of walking with bare feet. I protect my followers from stubbed toes, athletes foot, and Lego blocks. My best followers will always step on the softest bit of grass/carpet. Those who anger me will suddenly find a lot of children's toys and jagged rocks in their way.
The_Power_Of_Three ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:50:01 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Fairness. Not Justice, that's obviously taken, but fairness, in the super petty, childish sense. Like how a 7-year-old gets mad that it's "unfair" her older brother gets to stay up an hour later. Those are the prayers I'd answer, meting out righteously stubbed toes and glitched DVR recordings.
But, see, at all the god parties, I could sort-of-not-really-but-kinda-yeah gloss over the difference and let people think I was a god of Justice.
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:50:03 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The god of miraculously catching something that falls off the table/counter before it hits the ground.
rrmarti ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:50:06 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of fapping... your fapping is prayer to me.
spiritcrusher77 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:50:37 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of Satellite Dishes. Appease me, and your signal shall be as clear and crisp as a warm summer day. However, if you invoke my wrath, you'd better believe you're not going to be watching much TV if a cloud happens to be in the sky.
ViewtifulCrow ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:50:39 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Inkus, the God of Pens.
Click your pen twice, pray to me, and your pen shall write with pleasurable smoothness and flow.
QueenCoyote ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:50:50 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I am the goddess of social anxiety. If I like you, during one of those moments where you're mortified and want to disappear, I'll grant you temporary invisibility to make your escape or transport you to your bedroom with a large stuffed animal to hug while you cry.
digitalblemish ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:50:52 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The God of just exactly how long the last percent of your phone battery lasts
zap_rowsd0wer ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:50:56 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of convincing yourself you have some form of a disease so after you stress and get more grey hairs worrying about said disease you finally go to the doctor just to have them tell you that you're perfectly healthy. Then repeat twice more.
ohitstryp ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:51:05 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The God of who gets WiFi signal.
ShoutBasil ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:51:15 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of getting that perfect paper rip from a notebook without fucking up the paper.
5yearsinthefuture ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:51:27 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I would be the Goddess of timed traffic lights. Piss me off and it's every red light for you!
Yishae ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:51:30 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I'm the god that plays your favorite song right before you get to where ever you're going. If you have faith in me then I will make sure the song ends right when you pull in your parking space. If you disobey me, then the song starts as you are parking and you don't have time to sit and jam.
JDMcWombat ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:51:43 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I'd be Bullshiticus, god of bullshitting college essays. Pray to me, and I'll help you make that essay 5 pages longer. If you use my name in vain, I'll make you struggle to lengthen even the shortest paragraph.
I'd have a shrine in every dorm room in the United States
SilverSteeples ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:51:57 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of getting to the thread too late to post that really funny answer you had.
StupidBoxFort ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:52:04 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The god of when two people are walking towards eachother on the sidewalk and continuously step in the same direction while attempting to pass by eachother. Ultimately saying "sorry" repeatedly.
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:52:04 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I would be the god of potholes. Please me and I shall spare your axle. Anger me and you shall feel the wrath of a million tiny bumps so you cannot sip your coffee while driving to work without risking a spill!
MyLlamaIsSam ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:52:21 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The god of quality conversations. My altar would be on back porches and you would sit with buddies smoking cigars to me. Spurn me and all conversations will be peppered with references to front page Reddit posts from a couple weeks ago.
wrongshirt ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:52:23 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I would be the God of Pancakes.
PartiesLikeIts1999 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:52:23 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Behold, the God of Door Knobs! I ask not of you to worship me, but only that you polish my knob every now and then.
StillUnbroke ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:52:40 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of Tortillas
I love tortillas
Betzlalel ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:52:41 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of procrastination. I may not get many prayers, but I'd have a damn lot of followers.
ny2miami ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:52:48 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I want to be the god of TPS reports.
repent005 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:53:03 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I would be the god of financial stability. May your bills always be paid, and your income steady.
Thetman38 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:53:22 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The God of getting shit faced drunk and never getting a hangover
Pokiarchy ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:53:28 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of Aglets.
You'd forgotten the name of those things I'm the god of, haven't you? That's because I'm fucking great at my job. Sleeeeeep now.
fredjackson79 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:53:30 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I'd want to be the God of shining shoes. That shot is super relaxing.
HalfysReddit ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:53:33 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I would be the god of hangover relief. Caffeine, AdvilTM, and greasy foods would be my agents of change.
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:53:33 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Tomorria (rhymes with Arya), the Goddess of Procrastinating!
Troubleshoot ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:53:36 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The god of allowing milk to last just one more day beyond the expiration date. Pray hard and you just might finish that gallon.
matsklein ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:53:54 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The God of Not Tripping While Going Up Stairs
there would be a nice wide flight of stairs up to the temple door
TakeOverAgent59 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:54:03 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The god of trafic lights. Pray to me or you shall be eternaly late for everything
dkreak ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:54:14 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I would want to be the God of Morning Wood
misterdrewbie ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:54:19 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
the god of no-reason boners! KNEEL BEFORE ME, PUNY MORTALS, AND COWER AT MY POWERS OF POINTLESS AROUSAL
BobisBadAss ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:54:21 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The God of getting people to call back and just be straight forward with you.
Paradise420 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:54:22 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of spilling small amounts of hot coffee on your hand as your move. Maybe I will let u have a full cup and a sleeve that doesn't smell like coffee
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:54:31 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of Exact Change So You Don't Have To Use Your Debit Card
Mawduce ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:54:33 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Matt Peake /\
deadlychambers ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:54:43 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of the microwave. Everything I microwave gets cooked perfectly no matter the food or microwave.
lunalives ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:54:47 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I would be Lord of Sandwich Filling to Bread Ratios.
If pleased with your snack, I would ensure that the bread maintained a 2:1 ratio with the filling at all times. If angered, you would ejaculate grape jelly all over your new workmate.
Southern_Gent ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:54:53 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)*
The God of Public Restrooms. Honor me and the time you need a bathroom it has been cleaned and has toilet paper stocked, anger me and I shall smite thee with the most rancid portapotty without a shred of anything to use to wipe your soiled rectum.
AATYKON ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:55:35 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of Reports
LtHudderz ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:57:24 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Reminds me of a song from Starbomb, titled God of no more. Pretty new to reddit posting so I'm not sure what's proper etiquette, but I'll just put the hyperlink here: https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=KwHYeGPauhk
bighoss12 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:57:36 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of clean shits
Pray to me and never have to wipe
Poisioned-Fawn ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 20:02:14 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God bless
Deadlycreampuf ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:57:38 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I'd be the god of memories. Good or bad or neutral memories. On my good side you remember good things more. On my bad side? All those awkward memories or bad memories torment you.
TorchCG ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:57:54 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I would be the god of Leveled Furniture.
You can make your enemies tremble with your beautifully stable chairs and tables, and no picture frame would be slightly angled again.
itrv1 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:57:57 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of "That was fucking sweet I hope that someone else was there to see it so I can tell the story and not be called a liar"
commandrix ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:58:11 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Possibly the god of content writing. If you leave a nice offering at my altar, I'll make sure you never get stumped when writing about those completely dull topics.
SerialHealer ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:58:32 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of the Odd Sock. Should a sock be separated from its respective partner I will use my wizardly ways to repair them.
rob7030 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:58:36 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I'd be the god of Podcasts with fewer than 30 listeners.
nappa15 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:58:38 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of college student procrastination. Failure to offer due diligence of worship will mean: your printer's black ink runs out when you are trying to print a half-hour before your paper is due, your stapler is no where to be found and now you're that guy with the folded corners on your paper trying to hold 10 pages together, and you will go to submit that take home exam at 8pm, but this one was actually due at 5pm! Even though both the others were due at 8pm earlier in the semester! Why would the professor set a different deadline on this one!?! Proper supplication will result in: your class being canceled the Friday your final research paper is due, your professor will allow you to skip the final if you are happy with your grade up to that point, and your's will be the shitty paper the professor just give a b+ to when he's tired of reading shitty papers about high school football and cheer leading.
GodofIrony ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:58:45 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Irony.
It's not as sweet a gig as you'd think.
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:59:09 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I'd be the goddess of broken promises. If you say you'll never commit a certain sin again as long as I give you the outcome you want, I'll give you that outcomeโbut whenever you inevitably re-commit that sin, I'll come for you. }:)
Cindershoes40 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:59:13 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Goddess of having to sign things multiple times because of bureaucracy.
Broemeo_and_Fooliet ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:59:27 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of masturbation. I'll ensure uninterrupted bliss for all who believe.
raketenwurm ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:59:34 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
god of breakfast
u83rmensch ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:59:38 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of traffic. I am not easy to please, but you'll get to work eventually, probably before you're late, but certainly eventually. just be thankful for that.
Morgrid ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:59:43 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of Fasteners.
Or stuck fasteners
snorin ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:59:49 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
id be the god of correctly fitting pants, no longer will you need a belt as long as you give your self up to a higher well fitting power, me.
nellbones ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 20:00:01 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
the god of radio connections, please me and your wifi will be low latency, anger me and you will drop calls every time you try.
ibbolia ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 20:00:13 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I shall be the god of off-peak internet speeds. Then all the ISPs have to answer to me.
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 20:00:16 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The god of lost socks, I would ensure they would never be found and that only mismatched pairs would be found in the dryer MWAHAHAHAHAHA
MrStone1 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 20:00:21 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Custard
hotdish101 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 20:00:53 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Ant Smiters!
Rand_M ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 20:01:18 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Paper
Slightmeatsweats ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 20:01:22 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The God of Stubbed Toes
It's a great way to commit petty wraths on your enemies
Carlyndra ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 20:01:29 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I'd personally be a great lackey. Not quite up to personal assistant level, but also a bit higher than grunt work.
Think paid intern, but for the gods.
akiller3672 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 20:01:36 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of Potatoes....
panetrain ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 20:01:40 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I would be the god of coffee shops. Baristas won't ever have to worry about decaffing assholes. I'll make sure it happens. Taking a selfie with your drink becomes a mortal sin. My worshippers are rewarded with the best lattes and pastries in the galax.
bosnianbeatdown ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 20:01:50 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of correcting the shit out of people.
Redeemed-Assassin ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 20:01:56 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I want to be the god of cookery. I won't be able to make you an amazing chef, but I can ensure you don't burn your food. Also I can help your food taste marginally better to impress the date you have over.
TheBaratheon ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 20:02:00 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The God of Tits and Wine.
mysticalscorpion ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 20:02:15 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I would be the god of putting the toilet seat down. I'd say the godesses could get very annoyed about the seat being up
phawkins30 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 20:02:16 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I would be the God of a perfect Christopher Walken impersonation. Whoa!
OGisaac ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 20:02:58 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Mic pop filters.
oEMPYREo ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 20:03:12 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I would be the God of traffic lights. I will be a gracious God if you sing praise of my name. You pray to me when you decide to leave for work 10 minutes before you need to be there. I will bless you with synchronized lights; all green.
But anger me and you surely will feel the wrath. I will make you consider walking 5 miles because there's no way these lights could each stop you for 2 minutes one by one.
miner836 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 20:03:24 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
straws, MAY ALL YOUR STRAWS RIP MWUAHAHAHHAHAHA
Bam-Boozl3r ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 20:03:53 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I'd be brosephus- god over all that which is bro.
If you don't pour a little out for me I'll wrinkle your popped collar or make your spray tan too orange. If you try to rape a girl you'll get too drunk and shit yourself. If you treat ladies kindly and not as a slam pieces, I'll ensure that no one keys your BMW parked in 2 spaces and that your parties play jams which you can perfectly pump your fist to.
A-A-Ron_9220 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 20:04:26 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I would be the god of getting stuck at a railroad crossing. I would have the power to delay any potential "heroes". This would make me the final god.
TheSmellOfOnions ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 20:04:40 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Mercury
wwzd ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 20:05:00 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The god of upvotes.
winwar ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 20:05:18 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Toilet paper position. The gods do not go under. Thats for filty heathens.
Eatgingervitusbread ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 20:05:22 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Buttery Toast
something_thoughtful ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 20:05:24 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The God of Email! I'll just make everything spam.
omgINK ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 20:05:29 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I'll be the god that ensures you can't use the camera on your phone while the battery is below 5%.
a7051 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 20:05:37 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The Urinal God
To celebrate my greatness followers will consume massive amounts of alcohol and pay tribute to me hourly.
Davistele ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 20:05:39 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of the newsfeed-the true power behind the throne of Zeus.
IGlubbedUp ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 20:06:01 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The God of Faulty Spacial Awareness. When you think you have enough clearance to walk, drive, cycle, or pass an object through a tight gap, but you overestimate how wide the gap is, and underestimate the size of yourself/car/bike/object and crash/crush/destroy everything.
that's me.
SciotoSlim ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 20:06:35 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Alarm clocks. Sing my praises and kneel in awe or forever be late mortals!
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 20:06:49 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The god of that thing where you're just about to sneeze, but then your friend says "Hey whats up" and you suddenly freeze but you still have that nose tingle and its a horrible tease and you're like "FUCK!".
blechniven ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 20:06:51 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of cooking Ramen. Yeah it's just Ramen, but it's cooked freaking great! By a God and everything...
veive ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 20:06:51 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Contraception
UnderwaterPianos ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 20:07:13 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Phone chargers
ChevroletSparkSS ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 20:08:47 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I would be the god of traffic safety, because where I live, there is no such thing to civilians; that kind of thing really only applies to law enforcement.
420Grim420 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 20:09:12 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Plastic water bottle caps.
Awemage ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 20:09:12 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)*
I would be the god of the Internet, specifically the speed, reliability and quality of it.
Everyone now has Comcast and their support because I want to watch the world burn.
Every time you click a YT link, you get most of the way through your video until suddenly endless buffering leaves you at a cliffhanger. Every time you refresh the page the video quality reduces.
Each time you click an Imgur link, the picture loads the first few lines of pixels, then stops. Subsequent refreshes let a few more lines in at a time, until it's just above that part you really want to see. Then the cycle repeats.
When you've got that research paper due in 6 hours and it's 4AM, Wikipedia is down, no matter how many times you refresh.
And the speed any other time is just slow enough to be absolutely infuriating, but not slow to the point that it's unusable.
Edit: horribly evil things
expendablethoughts ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 20:09:25 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The God of wet grass. I fucking love wet grass.
RickStevens21 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 20:10:05 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The god of holding onto things. If I am pleased, you won't drop anything. If I am angered, have fun dropping whatever is in your hand on a whim, mortals.
Finn_The_Ice_Prince ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 20:10:14 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)*
I shall be the God of 90s Nostalgia, Nostalgious!
I'm gonna be HUGE.
Sharpevil ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 20:10:20 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
This sounds like the basis for an incredibly fun game.
Can I be the god of games? I'll settle for board games if that's too good.
elyisgreat ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 20:10:20 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of thinking...
RakishiM ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 20:10:23 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Goddess that keeps you from stubbing your toes, jamming your fingers, hitting your shoulders, getting a pebble in your shoe, and kneeing yourself in the face.
Keep me happy.
Slim_Maldinaldo ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 20:10:27 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of whether or not you make that paper-ball or bottle shot into the trash can.
Beserker9 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 20:10:30 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The god of rush hour (insert devil emoticon here)
donac ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 20:10:32 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
E-mail, hands down. It's like the Loki or the trickster of the mundane tasks. Oh, sure. You think you were clear about what you wanted in your e-mail, but that's not how it's gonna go down!
mo11er ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 20:10:46 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The god of inconvenience.
danka1210 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 20:11:21 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of accidently liking 4 month old pictures of your crush on instagram
RECOGNI7E ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 20:11:40 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of satisfying women. Pretty sure it is not taken, at least not officially.
snooville ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 20:11:41 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Tooth brushes
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 20:12:02 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I would be the good god of stepping on Lego bricks, entry level position however as cruel and malevolent as Hades himself, let it be known that I am not a generous god.
zack_the_man ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 20:12:06 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)*
I'd be the god of sucking yourself off. Whether it feels like receiving or giving is up to me ;)
eldrichgaiman ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 20:12:10 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Pedantry
hannibalhooper14 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 20:12:13 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The god of traffic jams.
ManicTheNobody ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 20:12:16 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of entry level positions that require 5 years experience.
TattooedLadette ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 20:12:29 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I would like to be the God of everything coming out of the dishwasher clean and dry.
Yaleisthecoolest ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 20:12:47 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Venture capital.
DoYouDigItNow ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 20:12:59 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of Thrift, inspiring traders, thieves, and skin flints everywhere to strike deals and look for the quality within a price-cut. Want to rent a movie? Get a VHS, dude, they're like $0.89 now. Yes, the God of Thrift, who blesses those who choose to use their friend's laundry machine next door and backs him up when he goes to his landlord when it breaks down. Yea, the God of Thrift who blesses the landlord to replace said machine with another model from one of his nicer lots that is getting a brand new one installed by it's snooty, "Ew, somebody's dirty underwear was washed in this and I caAaan't stand it" tenants. Behold, the God of Thrift, damning those who get every new year's iPhone for the sake of it and gifting last year's models and jailbreaking them for tree fiddy per.
pTJoe1234 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 20:12:59 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Schelise The God of The Bus Schedule
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 20:14:03 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I'd like to pick a God-job that will have a lot to do so that I can move up the pantheon quickly. I'll be the God of online applications. 700 prayers at my altar will grant you one tenth of a fuck to be given. Maybe.
Reikaosu ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 20:14:13 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Videogames. I'd get myself and my girlfriend to be the twin dieties of gaming, she'd be the RNGoddess, and I'd be the patron of skill. We'd quickly rise through the ranks to become the most powerful beings in the universe.
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 20:14:20 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Fuck All.
Cuddles6505 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 20:14:21 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of pouring beer/ale/mead - yes I reign in the Golden Hall
forno97 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 20:14:24 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of making you forget your ex girlfriends. Piss me off and you WILL dream about her every damn night
Rimiku6828 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 20:14:28 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I would be the God of Sneezes.
You sneeze, out of no where you hear a soft voice just say, "Bless You" or "Gesundheit".
To me it has always felt nice when someone said to me "Bless You" or "Gesundheit" after I sneeze, and no matter when and where, I always say one or the other when someone else sneezes.
Though, some people might freak out over the disembodied voice.
Grasshopper21 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 20:14:29 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The god of accounting. I just want to be ted.
Cottonjaw ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 20:14:35 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I am the God of previously broken electronics mysteriously working again after sitting for a while.
TheAscendedNinjew ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 20:14:41 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The God of setting up routers and printers as well as other shit for the neighbors because I "work with computers"
mieiri ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 20:15:07 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Tablesus - the Wrath God of every smashed pinky toe.
conspirato ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 20:15:17 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The God of Traffic Lights. With my blessing you shall never be late for work, and you shall never wait 10 minutes to turn left when nobody is around.
TheDoozian ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 20:15:18 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of safe driving. I smite those that disobey traffic laws in the southern states.
PraiseMuadDib ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 20:15:20 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of masturbation.
That way no one can judge.
Alex_801 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 20:15:29 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I would chose to be the God of flossing and masturbation.
JBHedgehog ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 20:15:50 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The GOD of properly fitting Bikinis.
You cross me and your top will get washed out to sea!
And then I'll be standing there...watching...yeah...just watching.
Akujikified ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 20:15:52 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I'll be the God of Office Supplies
PackedSatisfaction ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 20:15:53 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Goddess of hiccups. Pray to me and I will allow you to abstain from the drunk painful hiccups, scorn me and your torment will never end even if you have your friend scare you and you try all your Great-Aunt Ethel's hiccup cures.
VekinKG ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 20:15:59 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I'd be the God of 1% battery life and gas tank on E. Pray to me and you'll make it long enough to plug in or fill up.
Mac33 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 20:16:23 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of Printers. It's really boring so I just fuck with people. At the worst possible time.
woohhaa ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 20:16:24 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The god of file corruption.
Mic_Check_One_Two ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 20:16:29 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I'll be the God of Good Parking.
In my good graces, because you consistently park between the lines and generally aren't an asshole driver? Those awesome spots right next to the door will suddenly open up as soon as you arrive. People will always be getting into their car to leave, and you'll always be sitting there when they pull out of the spot right in front of you.
But, if you're an asshole driver, park outside the lines, or (gods forbid) you cut someone else off and steal their spot, (because seriously, they've been sitting there with their blinker on waiting for the person to pull out. They clearly had dibs on it before you even showed up,) then you'll be cursed to circle the full lot three times before finally finding a spot in the very back the next time you need to park. Oh, and that spot will be facing the sun, and your windshield sunshade will rip in half when you try to use it.
GunsNMuffins ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 20:16:31 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Bagels
GenrlWashington ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 20:16:33 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I would be the God of the Extra Hour.
When you wish you had an extra hour before you had to go to work or get some important assignment finished or something, you pray to me. If I find your plea sincere you would find yourself with one more hour for your benefit. However, do not abuse such things, or I may be slow to give unto you.
PrincessPoutine ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 20:16:49 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I would be the goddess of toilet paper. I decide whether you get soft, fluffy 3-ply or translucent, thinner-than-paper, (barely) 1-ply. Do not anger the gods, for the sake of your butthole.
TheNetastophales ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 20:16:57 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of call center employees. There to smite jerk / idiot callers.
PM_ME_KITTENS_PLEASE ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 20:17:14 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I would like to be Goddess of Kittens. I will make sure all stray kittens find homes, especially with people who pray to me for companionship.
Polskyciewicz ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 20:17:27 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I speak for all mediocrities in the world. I am their champion. I am their patron saint.
_THGB_ ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 20:17:35 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God that ensures your girlfriends menstral cycle to confirm the condom worked.
phallic_candy_bar ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 20:17:42 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Broshovem: god of safe dildo play.
katielaine1111 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 20:17:44 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The Goddess of feeding the goldfish
Paradigm6790 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 20:17:48 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The god of videogames. They are definitely mundane, but I still love them.
chugged1 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 20:18:06 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of completing to-do lists. I always get it done.
Imadoctah ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 20:18:08 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
REDDIT
Im_a_god_damn_otter ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 20:18:11 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of that feeling when you really need to sneeze and you try your best to get yourself to sneeze but the feeling goes away, but then you all of a sudden sneeze like three minutes later and it totally catches you off guard. That is my full title and any mother fucker who skips on it will suffer delayed sneezes for the rest of their days.
VanGoghingSomewhere ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 20:19:35 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Reddit. I would drop sulfur on all of you
thegrandpianist ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 20:19:40 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I'd be the god of deja vu. If I'm having a rough day, BOOM! All you guys are feeling weird all day like, haven't I been here before?
adverseinference ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 20:19:41 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Pizza
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 20:20:19 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The god of having plans canceled that you didn't want to attend anyway.
Lord_of_the_Bunnies ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 20:20:24 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Lagomorphs...oh wait that one already happened...
Slightmeatsweats ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 20:20:29 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
He God of paper cuts. Afflict agonizing pain on all those who don't respect the dangers of paper
JViz ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 20:20:33 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Fry cook.
SoundOfTrance ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 20:20:46 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of Successful Kickstarters.
Hyrax09 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 20:20:55 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The God of Lottery and Scratch off Players. I won't answer the prayers of 80 year old folks that seem to win every freaking lotto.
raka_defocus ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 20:21:02 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The God of appropriate spell check/ auto correct suggestions. I accept ducks as sacrifice. You can summon me by yelling shut three times while standing on the banks of a duckling ditch and forking awhile.
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 20:21:07 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I would be the god of pens, I reward bountiful ink and smite non believers with pens that at first have no ink, so you scribble then I flood the paper with inky goodness, thus wrecking your day.
jjmitchell ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 20:21:09 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Demigod of toilet paper. When in a public restroom you have to offer me a sacrifice of your dignity to make sure 1) there is TP in the stall and 2) it is 3 ply or more.
mullac53 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 20:21:11 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I'm late into the god game. But I'm truly one of the most important-ish gods of all.
The god of not getting that last little bit of pee in your underwear. I'd be the God who means you shake twice and then you're done, none of that last little bit as soon as you put your dick away.
You're welcome men. Feel free to worship me by pissing as high as possible in the urinal
furdansky ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 20:21:24 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I would be the God of random erections that seem to not be caused by anything.
bubongo ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 20:21:29 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I'm a chef, so probably the God of tidy kitchens.
blackmjck ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 20:21:46 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Dibs on Fidgetus, God of That Random Genital Itch In The Middle Of A Face-To-Face Meeting.
Appease me well, ye office drones, lest ye be smitten with the squirms whilst thy boss looks on, unimpressed.
cRaZyDaVe23 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 20:21:54 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I am the god that puts a lighter with enough fuel for another bowl or two in your couch cushions after your seemingly only lighter just died.
sameon12 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 20:22:14 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The God of keeping your shoelaces from coming apart throughout the whole day
Soniccyanide ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 20:22:35 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of money found under the sofa pillows...i am a generous god for people in real need. Like people a euro short from a pizza
2greenToes ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 20:23:02 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I would like to bethe God of baked goods. Imagine the offerings.
tm80401 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 20:23:10 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The god of lost things.
When you say 'God, what did I do with my keys?' I am the one who reminds you.
StoneColdThick ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 20:23:15 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I would be the God of Comcast customer service.
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 20:23:30 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Tech support. It would be my domain
MacksWords ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 20:23:46 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of the Friend Zone. I can maketh and breaketh all.
davethefish ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 20:23:46 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The God of prunes. Every day, the older generation would be thanking me many, many times and blessing me with many runny offerings
number1soulbrother ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 20:23:54 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I am fryus, the God of the fast food drive thru.
Pray to me and maybe I'll see fit that your order is correct .
I will smile on my favorites with Hot fries right out the grease.
Star_Kicker ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 20:23:56 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I would be the God of Constipation and Bowl Movements. Pray to me lest you never shit again.
LordCider ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 20:23:58 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I'd volunteer to be the Goddess of fact-checking.
One day and my wrath would wipe out a large percentage of earth's population
Anat_Neith ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 20:24:13 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I would be God of the Blankets. When you get into bed, if you have had a sinless day, I will make sure that your cover/quilt/duvet is just right. Not too heavy on you, but not paper light, and it will keep just the right amount of warmth in it, so you don't get too hot or too cold
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 20:24:21 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I would be the god of toilet paper. If you dare to misuse the toilet paper, I'll get my revenge by making sure that you will be 1 piece of paper short the ext time you take a shit.
Thandius ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 20:24:49 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I would be the god of plugging in USB cables.... if you upset me it will take you many tries to plug in that cable and will only insert if you have turned it at least 3 times. If you please me it will slide in satisfyingly on the first attempt.
synfulyxinsane ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 20:25:35 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The God of traffic lights. I will be the most cursed and the most praised.
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 20:25:50 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I'd be God of the First Wipe.
Pray to me, and I shall make it clean.
Freshmakerer ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 20:26:02 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I am the God of making you get up from bed to go pee in the middle of the night even thought you're warm and cozy. For I am an evil God that wants you to never get a good nights sleep.
Chubtoaster ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 20:26:02 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I'll be the god of that-one-gamesave-you-didnt-overwrite-that-allows-you-to-go-back-and-redo-a-portion-of-a-video-game.
longrodmchugendong ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 20:26:13 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of wifi reception. Will take offerings in the form of burned android tablets and apple devices.
goodfeathers ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 20:26:23 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
god of small talk
mann420 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 20:26:29 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of shitting
mrwatts ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 20:26:45 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I would be the god of eye floaters. On clear sunny days I make sure that they are abundant and in vaguely recognizable shapes.
moration ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 20:26:56 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
toast
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 20:27:01 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I honest to god thought someone would have said this:
God of things that get stuck in draws, let me know if you get the reference
leftthinking ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 20:29:54 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Anoia blesses this house
ButterApe ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 20:27:06 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of making the cleaning lady show up right when you have to use the bathroom
Jcostelic ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 20:27:45 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of thank god it didnt break
einalem58 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 20:27:45 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I'll be the evil god of Pothole.
If you pray me enough, I'll spare your car.
Youchosetobesalty ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 20:27:49 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Hot pockets
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 20:27:52 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Fo dog. And palindromes.
marcosimoncini ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 20:27:55 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Lost socks.
SeattleMonkeyBoy ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 20:28:27 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of Where did the dog/cat take a crap now?
I am a fickle and capricious god.
fistfullofbees ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 20:28:54 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The god of cables. I would keep them tidy and in good working in order for the faithful. For everyone else, an incomprehensible jumble of knotted and broken leads.
Blujay12 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 20:29:12 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of That One Cloud That Blocks The Sun That Is Blinding You Currently.
And I would be Called "Heh" or "TOCTBTSTIBYC"
TO summon me just scream "HEH!!?!!?" at the top of your lungs, the more confused you sound the faster the service.
AdamsDJ ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 20:29:38 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
i'd be the god of biscuits. If you want your biscuits to be nice and flaky, you best not piss me off.
KFC's biscuits are all going to be stones until they start making their chicken well again.
jason_stanfield ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 20:29:47 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I'd be the God of quelling video game griefers.
Make sacrifices unto me, and that irritating little shit that won't leaveth you alone in an online game is going to get an untraceable decrease in internet connection speed, not quite dial-up slow, but close to it.
I_TRY_TO_BE_POSITIVE ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 20:29:47 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Insufficient interior lighting.
tatsuedoa ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 20:30:07 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I shall be the god of retail employees. Pray to me and make necessary sacrifices and you shall receive happy intelligent customers. Anger me and 500 rednecks half drunk and brimming with size issues shall visit you.
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 20:30:07 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The God of Children's Public Tantrums
Cookie? For me? No? Well then.....
Fatjim3 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 20:30:11 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of Things that get Stuck in Drawers. Every rattle and curse is a prayer to me.
itsthatkidgreg ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 20:30:21 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of Stable WiFi connectivity. Pray to me, offer your sacrifices, and I will assure you a connection so perfect, you could outperform ethernet cables, even while loading multiple movies and downloading many torrents!
Coastal204 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 20:30:21 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Because I crave constant praise, I choose to be the God of Sports Victories.
EFeuds ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 20:30:22 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of walking on the right side of the sidewalk. I smite those who do not conform.
JarJarBanksy ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 20:30:22 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
So, Dionysis is the Greek god of drinking and partying, but what about the other drugs?
If snoop dog hasn't already taken the position, I'll gladly take the position as God of Smoking.
If I can't have that, then I want to take a position as the god of internet browsing. If you displease me your connection shall be slow and your web pages laden with shitty scripts that make them run slowly.
If you please me you shall have Google fiber and no ads!
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 20:30:22 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Dank Memes
Digdut ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 20:30:32 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Lord of the game. And by that I mean god of arcades.
longwinters ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 20:31:23 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Punishing people who are cruel to their pets.
olliex2achsenfree ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 20:31:24 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
"Make me... God of Traffic Lights"
eldred2 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 20:31:28 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of properly mounted toilet paper. The schism between overhanders and underhanders will probably lead to war.
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 20:31:38 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I would be the god of Lost Guitar Picks. Pray to me and they will fall out of the soundhole of your acoustic. Eventually.
Trehosk ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 20:31:40 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of masturbation
odplocki ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 20:32:12 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
It's on the tip of my tongue.
dwblind22 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 20:32:13 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Random acts of kindness. It's the little things that make the world a better place while the big things are being developed.
WaffleGoddess ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 20:32:43 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
By my name, WaffleGoddess. Pray to me by getting syrup in every single little divot and I will make sure your waffles are always hot, slightly crispy on the outside, never soggy, and that you have exactly the right ratio of butter/syrup to waffle in every bite. (Add fried chicken to your dish of waffles and you will be granted express entry into Heaven.)
Anger me and the best you'll get is burnt Eggos.
St3vil ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 20:32:54 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of Lag. I'm already really awesome at it anyway
PsychoPhilosopher ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 20:33:12 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
For I am Scoob: God of Naps.
Imprint ye my scriptures on thy face my acolyte, by placing your head on it's soft pillowy surface, for the words are many and lengthy but dreaming is short and precious.
Be ever grateful to he who rouses gently the fretful sleeper and not snap at him who requires that things be done, for those without the blessing of naptime are damned in their skins to a life of weary emptiness.
Be as calm as ye lie down as ye wish to be when ye wake, put aside the cares that lead to anxieties and stress, for these are the source of unpleasant dreamings.
When your sister or brother sings hymns to my name be glad of their rest but perhaps gently prod them and ask them to roll over a little that you might join them in my song.
Praise Scoob! For he brings you rest.
tiltldr ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 20:33:47 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The god of Mornings.
I would possess the godly power to ruin or make anyone's day before it even begins.
rangersmetsgiants27 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 20:33:53 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The God of trying to discreetly scratch your crotch.
tomzorzhu ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 20:33:57 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of the merges (the version control kind)
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 20:34:02 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of toilet paper. The righteous will receive my quilted bounty, while the wicked will suffer the wrath (and chafing) of cheap single ply.
ive_really_lost_it ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 20:34:07 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of remembering you need to do something right when you get comfortable in bed. You don't know what it is. So you can't sleep and aren't comfortable anymore.
TheSchnozzberry ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 20:34:08 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The God of trusty farts. Never shall my followers fear a shart and the most devout shall always successfully place blame on someone else for their thunder down under.
hicadoola ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 20:34:34 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I'll be the god of putting songs in your head while you sleep.
lafephi ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 20:34:49 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Goddess of text messages. Piss me off and that one person you reeeallllly want to respond will never get it. Please me and I shall procure for you amicable texts of friendship or love while ensuring your ex's texts never go through.
idiotsavant419 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 20:35:06 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Pens. I would make pens start and stop working depending on whether or not the person was in favor with me.
livin4donuts ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 20:35:12 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I would be the god of finding a way to comfortably sit in the back of a fully loaded Chevy Express Van.
Sometimes you need to bring 3 guys to a job. These bitches have 2 seats. Most of the ones I've been in have a folding chair in the back.
izModar ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 20:35:15 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The god of restaraunt choices. Can't decide where to eat? Girlfriend/wife won't make up her damn mind?
"Oh my God, just pick something!" That's where I come in...
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 20:35:21 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
[deleted]
samuelludwig74 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 20:36:51 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Not mundane enough, they already have that iirc (Bastet from the Egyptian panthenon)
andimacg ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 20:35:24 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of the surprise day off work/school. Worship me and you will receive the call of destiny (random event that prevents workplace/school operating tomorrow).
sci-fi-lullaby ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 20:35:29 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I want to be the Godess of pocket change that vending machines reject for no good reason.
Rahx3 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 20:35:43 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The goddess of always being on time.
obriek4 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 20:35:45 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The god of dad jokes!
The puns would be godlike.
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 20:36:03 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of that ten second period where you wake up at 6am but you have to get up at 8am, so you panic. Am I late? What time is it? Oh god I overslept.
Then I'm there.
No child, you have two whole hours, sleep.
Then they wake up at 8:30 and I cackle like the madman I am.
Zip2kx ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 20:36:17 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of making those silent farts really silent and not a stealth bomber.
ClothCthulhu ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 20:36:17 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I'd like to be the demigod of MX records. I'd report to Vint, God of DNS, and if your record was clean and correct I would make your messages flow like water. But get them wrong and I will make your mail traffic bounce through every satellite-linked Windows server in Moldavia before permanently listing you on every RBL in existence. Seems like it would pass the time.
Jeffool ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 20:36:21 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of Biscuits.
Hillcountryaplomb ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 20:38:51 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
This is no ordinary, mundane, every-day thing. Biscuits are an art form. Unless you're talking about grands biscuits, those can rot in hell.
joggle1 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 20:36:23 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I'd be the god of the French Horn. When they're desperately trying to not crack a pitch, if they are extremely pious towards me, I may allow them to perform a single difficult piece without cracking. However, I am not a very generous god.
Cobbleking32486 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 20:36:31 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
the god of stepping on legos. the faithful shall find the legos to magically move, while the sinners will have them underfoot always.
theelectricmayham ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 20:36:35 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of when your penis touches the inside of a public toilet.
Doomchicken ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 20:36:45 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I'd be the god of anti fertility. I think those prayers have been going to waste for far too long.
SprikenZieDerp ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 20:37:02 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The God of Customer Complaints. I would serve as a judicator of sorts, inflicting customers who really have no right to be complaining about [insert service/product here] with terrible diarrhea. That, and bad luck for the next fiscal year.
For those who have legitimate cause to complain, if their complaint were sufficiently sound in logic then I would grant them the boon of a "refund" by ensuring they find the exact same amount of money they had previously paid, just lying on the ground the next time they go out for the day.
corsair238 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 20:37:08 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The God of 'Please don't call on me teacher I didn't study please please please'
thudly ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 20:37:08 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I want to be the god of inappropriate nipple erections. In an elevator with your boss? Boom! Nipple erections! Online at the grocery store with your teenage nephew? Boom! Nipple erections! On a first date with a lecherous pervert you really want to ditch? Boom Nipple erections!
Nerdburton ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 20:37:16 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The god of neurotically looking over your shoulder. I would have no malicious intent, it would just be hilarious to be the real reason everyone is afraid of walking around at night.
GuillaumeGus ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 20:37:19 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Pokรฉmon God!
tyrant22 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 20:37:20 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of avoiding traffic. Anger me and suffer the wrath of red lights and highway stoppages!
haironfire20 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 20:37:24 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I'll be the God who inspires you to come up with an answer when your gf asks "What do you want for dinner?"
Snarkycakes ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 20:37:53 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Belly button ecosystems
Delaysmybelays ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 20:37:57 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Hail to your new god Greddit, the god of Reddit. Send your prayers to me! Though it matters not, for i shall never deliver upon any of them.
TheLionHearted ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 20:38:00 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of Mid-Afternoon Naps. I would be worshipped worldwide.
UnclaimedPants4 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 20:38:10 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The God of Video Games. Pray to me, and I'll help you out with that level. Pray to me, and I'll make sure that Pokรฉmon that's ten levels above yours stays in the ball after three shakes.
Hillcountryaplomb ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 20:38:10 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Killing Flies. Because I like killing flies.
avoral ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 20:38:11 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I'd be the god of conveying moods over text. With a prayer to me, just a little sliver of your intentions come through the messages you send and the ambiguity skews in your favor. I work hand in hand with the Goddess of Positive Sentiment Override, naturally.
samuelludwig74 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 20:38:29 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of Autocorrect, if you wanna keep a relationship and text, better not piss me off.
AfghanVet4187 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 20:39:00 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of the TOOTHBRUSH! Piss me off and I will send your toothbrush to the gates of hell and / or send insects to feast and reproduce on your brush!
nartchie ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 20:39:06 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I would be the God of bowel movement. I would have my own scheduled church time that everyone wants to attend. Daily. And I would have the most sincere prayers.
FERGERDERGERSON ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 20:39:17 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I am Ferg, God of Toilet Paper Always Being Put Onto The Roll Properly.
Pray to me to ensure never ending brown streaks upon those who tarnish my name.
Festering-Queen ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 20:39:19 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I shall be the God of Free WiFi Connections. I accept sacrifices in forms of tears and broken dreams, in return you shall be granted instant connection to free WiFi hotspots. None of that "accept terms of use" shit.
HansBlixJr ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 20:39:23 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
the God of the In-Sink-Erator. pray to me and I keep your garbage disposal from clogging up with poopie smelling things.
Buffthebaldy ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 20:39:44 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of turning the oven off.
motorsag_mayhem ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 20:39:52 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Air conditioner rattling. I am a cruel god.
Dean403 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 20:39:57 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
sex. i choose sex.
FERGERDERGERSON ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 20:39:59 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I am Ferg, God of all naughty dreams.
May your dreams be rock hard and soaked.
alienumnox ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 20:40:15 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The goddess of not being able to pick up that thing off the table/ground because you can't get your nail under it. If you please me, you can get it on the first try. If you offend me, the thing will be picked up... but dropped again immediately.
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 20:40:17 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I'd be the "oh God" of hangovers.
(Lovingly stolen from Terry Pratchett)
ghostbrainalpha ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 20:40:20 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of IBS.
Got diaharea while out and about???
Pray to me and find a public restroom in time. Displease me and poop your pants.
Borgmeister ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 20:40:24 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I'd be the God of spare cigarette papers and filters. Given I seem to already fulfil for my colleagues that role maybe I'm already a God!
Woodie626 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 20:40:28 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I make erecting dicks go soft between foreplay and coitus.
Arikki ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 20:40:41 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I'd like to apply for a position of God of Mold. I figure things would pretty much take care of themselves yet people would make sacrifices nevertheless.
Corey307 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 20:40:53 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of the Deadlift. I would smile upon those with good form and steady them for heavy singles. Crossfitters get squat their form is an abomination.
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 20:40:56 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of short comments.
lapinovski ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 20:41:08 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
video games. definitely, video games.
Tristal ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 20:41:25 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Can I just be God of the Internet? Pretty sure that one's not taken yet.
Bsuhawk ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 20:41:39 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I would be the god of Reddit. Pray to me or prepare for even more server outages
suecallen ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 20:41:44 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Goddess of squat. Pray to me when you must squat and sustain the squat longer than originally intended. Shit but no seat cover, cowgirl but no headboard. I am here for you.
TerrarianBuffet ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 20:41:46 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The god of making bagel sandwiches. Bagel sandwiches are the shit.
JT0111 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 20:41:51 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of things stuck in draws. Rattle your draws and I will come.
Gaskan ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 20:42:27 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Lint. Just Lint.
lizardtho ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 20:42:55 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The goddess of pretending to be a woman on the internet
I_am_a_Wookie_AMA ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 20:43:02 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of procrastination. Sacrifice a few hyper-focused souls to me and you might get lucky with five minutes of doing what you need to before you go back to staring at the wall or browsing reddit(you poor bastard).
Brosseidon ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 20:43:02 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God Of Autocorrect, Autorectus. Pray to me and I shall ensure perfect syntax, otherwise I dont give duck about you.
Roaven ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 20:43:03 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
the God of Low-Effort Stealth
Turn your head so someone doesn't see your face, pretend you're looking at your phone so you don't get noticed. Put in earphones so people ignore you. Go around a corner when someone you don't like goes by. Really easy things that keep you from being noticed when you don't want to be
I figure I can work my way up to more intense stealth, but you have to start somewhere
Poep_Boby ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 20:43:12 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The god of proper calcium intake
Vorret ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 20:43:38 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of releasing Half Life 3
glassjar1 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 20:43:59 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
From my personality and experience I'd probably end up 'god of dad stories'.
Shalnack ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 20:44:06 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The god of electronics glitches. Anger me and I send your sext to your mom, pray to me and your battery's will last an extra 2 hours.
Ketrel ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 20:44:19 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I am Iterum. God of Paper Jams. Let me just print you off a name ta...
MOTHER FUCKEROEDIPUS!Jasonandstuff ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 20:44:20 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of sneezing..be pretty funny to make people sneeze randomly, when they are in a conversation or something equally more awkard.
Deathfromabove123 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 20:44:40 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
weirdly had this conversation with my mates from uni, I chose to be the god of pubic hair...
NickSProud ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 20:44:50 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The God of radio song timing. If you are my enemy then your favourite song will start just as you leave the car.
sagr0tan ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 20:44:51 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The god of broken women hearts. And i won't change a bit
zweatytits ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 20:44:53 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The God of on-the-tip-of-my-tongue names & songs.
Praise unto me and you may just remember that one song or actor's name that you've been trying to remember for the past day or week.
TRobichaux ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 20:44:53 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of parking.... Hail Mary, full of Grace, help me find a parking space! Or rather, Hail Doris, Day and night, grant me place to park that's tight!
dragon_fiesta ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 20:45:07 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of MMO ability cool downs
-OR-
God of glass pipe cleaning
RobbyHawkes ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 20:45:19 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The god of finding dropped plectrums.
flamewave000 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 20:45:52 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of package protection. Sacrifice to me thy stamps and I shall protect thy package in its travels. Because USPS.
Coupaholic ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 20:45:53 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of OCD. Let every cupboard door be shut. Let every unused mains plug be switched off. Damned are those who do not thoroughly clean the dishes!
Let us pray. Not like that! Like this
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 20:46:07 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of Reddit Gold. Pray to me and you shall receive thy coveted blessings!
duetmasaki ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 21:00:10 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Dearest god of reddit gold, I pray to be blessed!
-Krazin ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 20:46:12 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of rolling burritos.
PuxinF ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 20:46:21 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I want to be the God of traffic lights. I could mess up just about anyone's day, or cause chaos if I wanted.
dreadpiratedixon ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 20:46:24 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The God of immediately regretting choices. I'm the little warning you ignore before putting your foot in your mouth. I accept no offerings and heed no prayers. Sucks to be you.
Gods315pawn ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 20:47:31 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The god of makeshift and mental bookmarks.
You were reading on your break, but you lost your bookmark. Oh no! You need to get back to work or your boss is going to get mad, but you don't want to lose your spot. You throw up a quick prayer to the god of makeshift and mental bookmarks and lo(!) you realize that old receipt has been on the break room counter for 10 months and nobody has claimed it. It is perfect.
Alternatively, you realize you are on page 100 exactly and you are just about to start a chapter from your favorite character's pov so of course you won't forget that.
Rainspa ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 20:48:00 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Stuck Drawers
Cartofium ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 20:48:12 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The goddess of not having to wait more than a minute for the bus/tram/subway/etc.
IrrelevantLeprechaun ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 20:48:13 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of video game RNG. Worthy mortals get 100% drop rate chance.
honorablehero127 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 20:48:28 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of the Friend Zone
Haydensbaby ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 20:48:29 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I shall be the goddess of Walmart.
Pray to me, and I may open another line. This is dependent on your attitude, though.
I shall part the crowded Isle, so you may reach the other side.
I shall move conversation along quickly, so you can resume shopping.
I may even place the last of an item on the shelf, but you will have to reach for it.
I will also bless associates, that I feel deserving.
duetmasaki ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 20:58:10 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Oh goddess of Walmart, how amazing you are! Please bless my favorite worker Dude, who has the most awesome beard/mustache, and is the friendliest guy there, and remembers my name and asks about my daughter when I go in.
Haydensbaby ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 21:34:09 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)*
Your heartfelt words have moved me, mortal. I shall bless worker dude, for you.
How is your daughter?
duetmasaki ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 21:40:34 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Thank you goddess. You are most kind.
CadenceSona ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 20:48:31 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of Paper, as someone who wastes 90% of notebooks on scribbling and morning/evening sketches, it'd be nice to just have paper whenever I needed it.
ObieKaybee ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 20:48:31 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I'd be the god that determines whether your chair actually tips over if you lean to far.
slydog98 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 20:48:38 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Dairy Products, I really like dairy products.
j_sunrise ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 20:48:54 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The god of dancing alone at a party because you don't care.
hdashshh ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 20:48:56 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I'd be the god of mundane conversation. Piss me off and all you get is how about that ... weather... sports team ... sad life event that you don't care about. Keep me happy I will grace you with tales of humorous event from the night before or conversations that let you enter them smoothly with knowledge.
ItsMeMichelle ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 20:49:00 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Goddess of the crap drawer, that drawer in your house that holds all the string, rubber bands, super glue, loose buttons, paper clips, pens, picture hooks etc, that would be my domain, honour me with only brand new batteries or FEAR my wrath!
Weed420Blaze ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 20:49:20 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Dank Memes.
iamnotsean1 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 20:49:21 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The god of toilet roll. That way no poor soul ever has to drop a deuce and realise that there is no toilet roll. May your ass be forever clean.
Schererpower ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 20:49:31 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I'm going to have to go into the chaos line to work my way up the chain. The god of tangled wires.
MargotFenring ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 20:49:40 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I would be the goddess of realizing, mid-sentence, that you are wrong.
MuhhhBeard ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 20:49:45 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The god of 2-Ply toilet paper...
maizeandbluejames ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:30:22 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I would be the God of Getting the Printer To Work at the Last Second. Do you have a report due, hope you said your prayers. Need to print off an email as you're running out the door; did you make a burnt offering?
soychild ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 05:54:14 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I would control the fate of toast.
I'd ruin the days of so many.
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 14:00:04 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The god of being five minutes late.
thejuicepuppy ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 12:28:52 on September 10, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I'm the god of those drawers that everybody has in their kitchen. The drawer with batteries, old watches, electrical tape, some broken zap straps and a baggy of screws that you can't remember the origins for.
Temperment ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 23:02:45 on September 13, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of county clerks.
Indysteeler ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 19:50:54 on September 19, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of Boners.
Ye are all saved.
Bless thou.
Roarkindrake ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 14:25:35 on October 3, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Gaming
beautifulpumpkin ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 08:23:38 on October 7, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of Loading Dishwashers Logically, and also of Wiping The Goddamn Bench Afterwards.
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:28:26 on October 14, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of Control+S
I'd be the god that subconsciously makes you press control/command+S, so when your computer dies and you say "Ah SHIT, I hope I saved that!"
And you did.
May Goodness and Mercy be with you and your Word Document.
Dmaias ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 21:05:34 on October 14, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The God of Chilling no, you can't pray by saying "Hakuna Matata"
BriFog ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 09:36:12 on October 21, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Tits and wine
ZeroInfinity101 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 22:22:29 on November 3, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
the internet and memes
Dizi4 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 20:00:05 on November 6, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of science/paradoxes
I may or may not be real...
fritopie ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 21:11:43 on November 16, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The goddess of the cheapest gasoline prices in town. Idk why but I always know where to find the cheapest gas in whatever town I happen to be in for more than a day.
masterofpowah ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 00:09:01 on November 28, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of Breadsticks. But not those crap ones at Olive Garden. The good stuff
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 02:58:44 on December 20, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The God of Bullschitticus. Lord of the BS.
Everytime someone hollers "Bullshit", or calls it, they will step in literal Bullshit around half an hour later.
This power would only happen AFTER I have convinced/blackmailed/coerced the Pantheon gods to play the card game of the same name.
FingerBangYourFears ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 03:05:37 on February 1, 2016 ยท (Permalink)
The god of checking your inbox on websites. If anyone is compulsive about it like me, I'll reap in all that sweet, sweet faith.
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:14:11 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of reminders. Post its, phone reminders. Little stuff. I deal with the people over at forgetfulness who, between you and me, are some scary motherfuckers.
moisespedro ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 11:44:31 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I'd want to be the god of redditing
HLAKBR_Means_Love ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 11:50:41 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I'd be the God of erratic WiFi signals. One of the many helpers to the God of Insanity.
ShetiPhian ยท 2 points ยท Posted at 00:57:06 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
You get to work beside the god of battery life and god of usb plugs (flip it 3+ times before it goes in... why!?!?)
FatuousOocephalus ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 11:53:18 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of the Itch in the Middle of your Foot.
Don't cross me.
TheViper9 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 11:58:19 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The God of trains. Pray to me and you get to catch your train without having to run
hank_moo_d ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 11:59:11 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The God of Last Drops of Urine in Your Underwear.
If they pray for me, i'll spare them from this misfortune.
InsomniacPlagueis ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 12:03:08 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of yawns...
Sang_dirty_old_town ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 12:10:49 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Train commuters. Clearly there is no one looking out for us now.
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 12:17:22 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of legal stimulants, in particular, coffee.
Those who like me not shall not feel the effects of caffeine.
Stockholm-Syndrom ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 12:23:14 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of jammed cupboards.
Codoro ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 12:43:06 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Lo, my name is Iratus, god of impassioned but toothless rants.
theserpentsmiles ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 12:56:21 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Computer Boot Up Time. That little bit of time where you are like, "Come on come on!" or when you are just waking up, drinking your coffee and waiting for your machine to let you log in. That's my time, baby.
padfootprohibited ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 13:09:30 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Pads, tiny angry god of those lint pieces that get stuck under the sensor of your optical mouse. Much IT equipment must be sacrificed in my name.
Victob1 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 13:09:57 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Acrames, God of 30 minute crams before a final. My followers shall be vast.
fireking99 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 13:11:27 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of Drinking Water Fountain Pressure - if you displease me, I shall make it fluctuate!
jsreyn ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 13:24:25 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of Remote Controls. My followers never have to dig through the cushions looking for them, change the batteries, or struggle to find the right button to swap inputs. I'd be the most popular god ever among the 50+ group.
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 13:25:02 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of those floating things in your vision.
Dishonor me and your vision shall be filled with a thousand randomly moving transparent object.
SimonCallahan ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 13:25:38 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The God of that thing where you're just about to sneeze and your friend is all "hey, what's up?" and you suddenly freeze and you still feel that nose tingle it's a horrible tease and you're like "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK!"
Wackoverlord ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 13:26:43 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of walking into a room and forgetting a really important thing that you were gonna do in there
soomuchcoffee ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 13:27:08 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Jeff, The God of Biscuits.
mejetertresloin ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 13:28:10 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The goddess of getting water out of your ear after you've been swimming or taken a shower. If you called on me, I would cause that amazing warm rush you feel when you turn your head sideways and stomp a few times and the water in your ears is suddenly freed and runs out.
harrick ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:57:40 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
All hail Mejetertresloin!
stigmaboy ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 13:31:53 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The internet is a normal e eryday thing, so I'll pick that.
CarmakazieCthulhu ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 13:32:56 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Compiling binders full of women so Zeus can aptly choose his next conquest.
yoshimitsu-senpai ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:28:34 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The God of Tits and Wine.
Wizard_Harry ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 16:44:03 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The god of tits and wine
Chawkinstein ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:06:26 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
You're the God we deserved just not the one we needed right now
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:09:23 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of getting just one more pin to fall when you're out bowling. Maybe it turns your 9 count into a strike. Maybe it breaks up a big split into an easier spare. Maybe you win that game by that one pin. Maybe
Side note: If you blame your bad pinfall on someone else (like the guy in charge of maintaining the lanes), you're on my spite list for all eternity. Enjoy your 7-10 splits that really should have been either the 7 or the 10, but not both.
jQueryIsBestQuery ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:04:22 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I shall be Gaben, god of Steam purchases that you never install or play. Tithe to me during my seasonal sales events, for my prices are glorious and YOU NEVER KNOW, you might play that one game that you'll never play.
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:46:16 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I would be the god of trying to make liberals understand actions and consequences.
lbz2012 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 21:36:17 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The God of WiFi, so simple, yet so much power!
baconbitz0 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 21:36:45 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The closing and opening of doors god
Fergulous ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 21:37:14 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I'd be the god of mildly interesting historical facts.
mrpbeaar ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 21:37:36 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I want to be the God of paper clips. All must bow down and pray or face my wrath or face a nasty tangle.
Worship is on Mondays with really strong magnets.
5thGraderLogic ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 21:37:50 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The God Of Choosing And Eating Pop-Tarts.
Most flavors suck. Strawberry, Brown Sugar-Cinnamon, and Cherry are the only good ones. Also, if the package feels more heavier than it feels more lightier, pick that one because it's not yet stale and dry and crumbley. Finally, break the Pop-Tart up into 8ths and enjoy like a civilized person.
BurningPickle ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 21:38:57 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I would be the god of having to pee really, really bad when you're five seconds away from falling asleep.
edgaralleno ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 21:39:21 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I'd be the god of slightly disturbing and morbid literature.
vernes1978 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 21:40:03 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The god of stretching.
Work hard or sleep well and I shall bless thee with the pure essence of paradise when stretching the perfect stretch.
Disappoint me and I shall interup your stretch.
jetx29 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 23:25:49 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I would be the God of the traffic lights. Praise me and ye shall be blessed with fields of electric green. Anger me and be mired in the traffic abyss for all eternity...
vaIkyrie ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 23:44:14 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I would be the God of autocorrect changing 'fuck' to 'duck'.
bowlingtrophy ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 23:45:17 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Baked Goods
runfatboys ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 23:45:56 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of surprise boners. Embarrassing young boys on the playground, creeping out ladies on the elevator and, putting a smile on your grandparents faces.
MmelaReine ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 23:47:14 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The Goddess of Evenly Heated Microwave Food
lulz85 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 23:48:57 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I would be the god of lost socks
[deleted] ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 23:51:44 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
TRS reports.
Champ_Z ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 23:52:42 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Star dust calculator and organizer.
trianuddah ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 23:54:06 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I would have dominion over 'getting out of bed.'
Influencing whether people can be bothered to start their day on time or not, and whether one-night-standers sneak out or sleep in, would be a subtle but hugely influential position.
gkconnor91 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 23:54:23 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of too hard biscuits
lamehead ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 23:55:19 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I would be the God of traffic. My wrath is swift, my disdain for mere mortals going to and from work runs deep. Appease me and I may grant you HOV lanes. Dare to anger me and face road construction.
Bro0ce ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 23:56:55 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The god of not losing your wallet and keys when drunk.
redlion81 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 23:57:23 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Close calls
DeadFyre ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 23:58:00 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Jeff, God of Biscuits https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gTRjWDW3JSg
MushroomMan89 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 08:08:58 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Office Administration. Answering the 'Oh God please let this spreadsheet work' prayers.
julestheripper ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 12:25:42 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Goddess of every day OCD: -Did I switch the cooker off? -Did I lock the door? -Did I flush the toilet? -Did I write my name on that form I just sent? -Did I let the cat in? ...maybe you didn't
[deleted] ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 11:50:53 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
[deleted]
Yurei2 ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 23:03:30 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
So the God of Eggtimers?
ironbody ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 13:55:53 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of the csgo unboxings.
[deleted] ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 13:19:44 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I'd choose rap god, but Eminem already took it.
ButtholeSamurai ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 19:35:54 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Moderating a subreddit
CarneAsadaSteve ยท -1 points ยท Posted at 11:58:28 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The God Of Beer
Thymoglobule ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 15:05:12 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Ninkasi : https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Ninkasi
srosenberg34 ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 16:09:24 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Ninkasi: http://www.ninkasibrewing.com
ImperatorTempus42 ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 19:07:24 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Would Dionysus count as well?
ahyuknyuk ยท -1 points ยท Posted at 13:43:01 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I am the god of tits and wine.
Wait... Tyrion Lannister? What are you doing in my seat?
BobNelsonUSA1939 ยท -1 points ยท Posted at 15:30:47 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I will become Bob, the god who fucks your wife right because you suck in bed.
TheallMaster ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 13:10:27 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The God of snooze buttons so that you can get those totally necessary 5-30 minutes of sleep
[deleted] ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 13:13:05 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The god of turning it off and on again. You're welcome
GoldfishAvenger ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 13:13:08 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Taking a shit.
TheRK ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 18:21:10 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Already am!
AusCan531 ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 13:14:27 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The God of Driving (cuz I'm so close to achieving that status already)
Black_Hipster ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 13:20:23 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I'll be the God of Serendipity.
Pray to me and you just might find a dollar on the floor while you're out.
Fins_FinsT ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 13:32:35 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Sleeping.
BRANTFORDHWIII ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 14:03:24 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Coffee Shits
JeremyArroyo ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 15:27:47 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Money
pottyglot ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 15:34:55 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Snacks
Speedstr ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 15:41:24 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
My mother can be the goddess of nagging...
HagbardCelineHere ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 15:57:42 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Trident sharpener.
CitJournalist ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 16:27:35 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
O' God
Bzorkyarm ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 16:29:23 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of tangling earbud headphones in your pocket. (Everyday Discord I suppose?)
herobertonandez ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 17:44:42 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
And Jesus Wept!!!
TheRealBabyCave ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 17:47:09 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of making sure the toilet paper is hung the right way.
robo-CHE ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 17:58:04 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
"God of Office Policies"
I'd go around smacking anyone who micromanages employees and impose a worldwide restriction on any office policy not directly related to results/ performance.
[deleted] ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 18:15:19 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I would be the Porcelain God, heeding loyalty from all. Those who keep me happy simply provide offerings, but a spiteful Porcelain God inspires his worshippers to pray for forgiveness.
gregguzman ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 18:16:08 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The backs of women's earrings and when they didn't pray to me I'd steal them as punishment.
Awesome_johnson ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 19:09:52 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The God of orgasims
Poppamunz ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 19:58:06 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I would be the god of school. Appease me, and you can talk all you want during class, and sail by with an A on everything. Disrespect me, and watching grass grow will become a more interesting use of your time.
Maculate ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 20:07:19 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of Man-Made Cooling. A/C, fans, heck, I am even taking credit for ice cubes and cold drinks. Is this too OP for entry level?
ryanusm ยท -3 points ยท Posted at 11:30:55 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of tits and wine
thelovebandit ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 17:41:52 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Hey thanks for Saturday night, oh great god of tits and wine. 10/10 will pray again.
aah07005 ยท -2 points ยท Posted at 12:01:17 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The god of sorting things alphabetically. But don't offer burnt books to me as sacrifice.
[deleted] ยท -1 points ยท Posted at 13:38:48 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
God of residual pee on your undies. My name would be Urineus. If you're a good boy your undies shall be clean all the time, otherwise your weewee would leak several drops of urine every 50 seconds.
[deleted] ยท -1 points ยท Posted at 14:52:56 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
[deleted]
gjallerhorn ยท 1 points ยท Posted at 14:55:23 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Yeah, that's an ordinary, every day thing...
JaySavvy ยท -1 points ยท Posted at 15:16:42 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I'd be the God of Infidelity.
You want to cheat on your wife with her sister and not get caught?
. . . Only if your sacrifice is worthy.
sneslu89 ยท -1 points ยท Posted at 16:46:24 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Sloppy seconds.
SilentxSage ยท -1 points ยท Posted at 05:08:54 on September 9, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I am the God of stopping the microwave at 1 second, every time.
thatEMSguy ยท -2 points ยท Posted at 12:00:00 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The God of video games. I'd be pretty powerful
Joemaster240 ยท -2 points ยท Posted at 12:52:18 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The God of homework. Sacrifice unto me six number 2 pencils and a 70 sheet notebook and I shall prevent homework for 1 day with only one entry per school per month allowed. If two sacrifices are made I double the homework, if three triple!
PEE_UP_MY_BUTTHOLE ยท -2 points ยท Posted at 13:11:40 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Weed. I love all kinds of drugs, but I can always manage to trade up from weed to whatever I need if I have the right amount. The God of Weed partakes in all the pleasures of the flesh and mind. And veins.
Delsana ยท -2 points ยท Posted at 13:33:19 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I am the God of insults. I'm more against them so whenever you use them I will be there judging you mercilessly.
[deleted] ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 16:29:32 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
I want to be twins with another god. I want to be the God of high ping and she can be the godess of slow dsl rates. Edit: auto-correct is the worst sometimes
Artisanal_Cat_Loaf ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 16:49:10 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The God of Maybe Its A Fart
PizzaHog ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 18:03:42 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
Sweeping with head phones on.
millecr1 ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 19:53:53 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The God of Divide By Zero.........What? I'm into false gods.
Huntinghumans ยท 0 points ยท Posted at 20:16:43 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The got of auyo correct
Squat_Pump ยท -1 points ยท Posted at 18:09:18 on September 8, 2015 ยท (Permalink)
The god of flossing and masterbation