You could say he owes her a debt now.

I feel like you could roll those two into one good joke. Something like: I was at the bank yesterday when an eastern European woman asked me to help check her balance- so I pushed her over. She's okay though... the Czech bounced.

golf clap

This reply is funnier than you are getting credit for. Just remember that on this day I will immortalize your comment. save

Upvote just for linking me to an Atmosphere song

After the officer walks there is rioting. Social media explodes.

Such is life

The joke is that the man has Alzheimer's.

Yes

8/8 m8 it's gr8 no b8

[deleted]

The warden has no proof that the guy was poaching lobsters in the first place. So he basically tricked the warden into letting him off.

I bet it's your favorite too!

I get what this joke is going for but it doesn't actually work. You wouldn't intentionally describe something with two synonyms.

"The car crash was deadly. Not only that, it was also fatal. "

Thank you, this has been NPR's "The Joke Ruiner."

[deleted]

Absolutely. So far the only one that's made me literally lol

Not only is it my favorite so far, but it's also my favorite.

I might need an explanation.

I don't get it

You lost me.

He tried to look up another word for 'terrible' that better fit what he was describing, but couldn't find one because his thesaurus is terrible.

Helps if you know that thesaurus isn't a dinosaur

My new thesaurus is terrible. It's just terrible, I have no other way to describe it.

A pretty terrible one

Not only joyless, but also joyless.

Now try this: "My dog is dopey. Not only that, but he's also silly too."

You use a Thesaurus to find synonyms of a word. He said his is terrible and used it to find a synonym for terrible but since it's so bad he just got terrible again

His thesaurus is terrible.

I don't get it....I feel stupid...

"What are one liners like this called?"

"It's hard to say."

My favorite was one by a comedian who said:

I'd like to die quietly in my sleep like my grandfather, not screaming in terror like his passengers.

On the other hand, you have different fingers

One of my favorite recent examples is an episode in the latest season of Family Guy in which Peter says "In my defense, I have nothing to back up the beginning of this sentence."

So most Leslie Nielson jokes?

Emo Phillips had/has some great ones.

A paraprosdokian(/pærəprɒsˈdoʊkiən/) is a figure of speech in which the latter part of a sentence, phrase, or larger discourse is surprising or unexpected in a way that causes the reader or listener to reframe or reinterpret the first part. It is frequently used for humorous or dramatic effect

Isn't that basically all jokes?

Aren't those usually called a bait and switch?

Is that the inspiration for Parappa the Rapper's name?

See: Naked Gun

As I understand it correctly these are basically garden path sentences. Correct?

It's called a what?

and if you like these, Anthony Jeselnick has some dark comedy standup routines full of them. They're great. If you've only heard of him through his show, listen to his standup. It's really good.

Are there any comedians that say things like "Time flies like an arrow; fruit flies like a banana"?

I have only seen them in print.

Ahh the old Paraprosdokian-eroo

I thought they were "dad jokes".

Is it just me, or are the examples on Wikipedia a bit rubbish?

^{Bonus alternative comment: is it just me, or are there any other two-letter words starting with M?}

Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

Reminds me of jimmy carr

Learned about garden path sentences after clicking your link and then clicking on Emo Philips.

Every Amy Shumer stand up joke ever

If you're into that kind of humor and you're not easily offended, you should check out Bo Burnham. He's hilarious! (NSFW)

Well I learned something new today.

As one of the others said, no one's ever really sure which week he's mocking.

Stewart Francis, yeah, he's awesome.

"Standing in the park today, I was wondering why a frisbee looks larger the closer it gets... then it hit me."

"My father was a man of few words. I remember him saying to me: Son..."

"I quit my job at the helium gas factory. I refuse to be spoken to in that tone."

Steven Wright.

A literal one-liner machine

"When the kids at school heard I had a potentially fatal allergy to peanuts, they would hold me up against the wall and make me play Russian Roulette with a bag of Revels" - first Milton Jones joke I ever heard. It was his opener on a Radio 4 show :)

He looks and acts like that crazy uncle who your family invite round for dinner on special occasions. The one who might say anything at any time.

Once, on that show, someone make a joke to do with having some pet under his desk. He pulled a carrot out of his shirt pocket and offered it to the imaginary animal sitting out of sight. They asked how long did he have that carrot while he waited on the right set up. He replied "I had it last series"

You should check out Mitch Hedberg and Steven Wright if you haven't already. Anyone can do relatable comedy, it takes something special to be able to come up with an hours worth of one-liners like they do. Glad I found this Milton Jones guy.

[deleted]

Many of us do...I hope someday you'll join us.

It's based off the song "Imagine" by John Lennon.

I remember one about his other Grandpa who was sick and went to the doctor for advice. The doctor asked him to rub vaseline all over his body.

He went downhill quickly after that.

I had to look that up: it's basically a slide where you sit on a burlap sack.

What smokes and got two eyes? Pompeii! (pause) Too soon?

My grandmother... she's confused.

Who the fuck wears leather shoes?

What's brown and rhymes with "Snoop"?

Dre.

Heroin.

A stick!

Ahh, that's my favorite joke!

In fact, it got me a husband.

What's blue and smells like red paint?

Mike Tyson eating ice cream

Dan Brown covered with glue?

A brown stick

A stick. HAHA

A stick!

A STICK

tape

A stick :) my favorite joke.

My Rihanna calendar

Whenever I tell this joke the first thing people say is either "poop" or "pudding".

The stick I'm going to beat you with.

Brownies, sometimes.

A STICK

A stick

Brown Tac

Muhammad Ali opening a can of Pepsi.

A stick.

J MILLAH

A stick?

Anal.

A stick!

They actually smell different due to the iron in the red paint! The more you know! ≈≈*

[deleted]

How do you kill a blue elephant?

With a blue elephant gun.

How do you kill a red elephant?

Pinch his nose 'til he turns blue and shoot him with a blue elephant gun.

My grandfather told me that joke when I was a kid.

Whats orange and sounds like a parrot?

A carrot...

I feel like I'm not doin this right...

What's grey and can't fly?

A car park.

What's green, fuzzy and deadly if it falls out of a tree on you?

A pool table.

What's green and has wheels?

Grass, I lied about the wheels.

What's brown and sticky ? - a stick

Ultramarine since Ultramarine is blue that contains a little bit of red in it.

God damnit I thought you kicked the paint sniffing addiction.

That's actually an anti joke

What is brown and sticky?

A stick

What smells like red and blue paint but rapidly changes colour?

STOP SNIFFING PAINT, YOU'RE HIGH.

what's big, red and eats rocks?

They all smell like cancer.

What's blue and fluffy?

Blue fluff.

Hahaha that conversation is better than the joke.

I was fired from the M&M Factory for throwing out all the W's.

Well, at least you didn't fall in the machinery and make a spectacle of yourself.

I was going to be a cardiologist, but I didn't have the heart.

I was going to be a psychiatrist, but I was a-freud.

I was going to be a doctor... But I didn't have the patience.

I was gonna be a baker, but I couldn't raise the dough.

You know, I was gonna have her bring you some chicken, but it was foul.

Oh, Scrubs... eight perfect seasons, and that's it.

Did you hear about the guy that fell into the lens grinder?

He made a spectacle of himself.

Cleaning mirrors is a job i can really see myself doing.

I used to work at the blanket factory, but then it folded...

My brother has ADD, so It's weird he drives a Ford Focus

I really liked making candles at first, but I burned out

I got fired from the stereo factory because I got mono.

I quit my job at the helium gas factory, I refuse to be spoken to in that tone.

I quit my job at the helium factory. I won't be spoken to in that tone of voice

I quit my job from the helium factory. I refuse to be spoken to in that tone.

I got slayed when I spilled the lemonade on the renegade ?

Some were well read pompous jerks. This literary made the blues depressed but they used nightvision goggles to seek vengeance, they had it infrared.

I prefer "seemed", half for the subtlety, half because I like that it's his impression of her response to telling her, whereas with "looked" it seems more like just more information about why he was telling her in the first place.

Nah, makes it too obvious

Yea but she seemed surprised just sounds better, probably because they all start with S.

But she seemed surprised flows much more naturally in this context. It's the phrase you would naturally.

Stellar definition of look

He seemed pedantic.

Hmm, I think I understand now.

You must be fun at parties

Oh you're a hoot

You must be really fun at parties

Jokes are like frogs

Not really "stealing" when this is a pretty common joke.

Just tried this on my 7 year old son:

Me: "Can you make a henweigh in Minecraft?"

Him: "What's that?"

Me: "A henweigh. Can you make a henweigh in Minecraft?"

Him: "What is it?"

sigh

I did that in North Dakota. We were in the Air Force, and new guys were being trained to drive on ice, and I told someone they had to be careful because someone hit a henweigh driving out of the main gate. They're new and don't know if that's some kind of local animal. "What's a henweigh?" with some concern.

Alternatives:

• Grecian Urn. What's a Grecian urn? Minimum wage.

• Snoo. What's snoo? Nothing, what's new with you?

• Supdawg. What's supdawg? Not much man.

Oh, god. I can't stop laughing. Bravo, sir. Bravo.

You, my friend, are ready for fatherhood.

One of my dad's favorites. That and hammerfor.

A TSA agent once asked my mom if she had any of the standard no no's in her checked luggage as he was taking it he finished with:

..."any henweighs?"

Mom: "What's a henweigh?"

Him: "About 3 pounds!"

... The TSA at my local airport are very relaxed.

Stealing this amd Skyping my nephew tomorrow. That skinny fucker loves Minecraft and jokes.

Throw some uppdog in there if you want to mix it up a little.

A similar favorite of mine comes from the Pogo comic strip. I believe it was Albert singing Good King Wenceslas

Albert: "When the snoo lay round about, deep and crisp and even" Pogo: "What's snoo?" Albert: "Nothing, what's snoo with you?"

When I worked at a pizza place we'd ask the new guys to get the henway. It happened so often we labeled the oregano shakers as 'Henways.'

That only works when they both have UPDOCK

onecofvmyvfaves, except i know it as either a

piekost (about 2.50 bro!) or hammerfore (bangin in nails)

I was camping once and almost got bitten by a matta-baby.

What's a matta-baby?

Nothing, what's a matta with you?

Can you make updog in minecraft?

I refuse to believe a hen weighs three full lbs.

Its awesome cause if you do the same thing as a dad then youre just telling dad jokes.

Ah yes! Don't forget hamcost (about 2.99/lb) or for the more mature audience. Dickfore. Hey bud, you have a dickfore on your foot

My dad uses hurtsdontit...

Dad: Want a hurtsdontit?

Victim: What's a hurtsdontit?

Dad: punches hurts, don't it?

Dickfor and hurtsdonut

I've used cowsay

say did you hear they are building a cowsay ? or something

waits a cowsay?

Moo

Is a henweigh anything like an updog?

Our family's version is the "piecost"

Died laughing. Solid joke.

OMG, my dad used to get me with that one when I was a kid. He would also say something about a "potfer" and when I would ask "what's a potfer?" he'd say "cookin'!" I miss that man. :D

There is an R-rated version of this that I got snitched on in the 5th grade for telling, and I had to repeat the "joke" for the teacher in front of the class. Gulp. I begin..."You tell someone they've got a dickfor on their shoe..." Her: "Go on." Me: "Then they say 'what's a dick for?'" Her: "And? I'm waiting. What's the end of the joke?" Me: "That was it." One full minute of puzzlement passed before her face turned red and she said "Oh, I see." Hilarity did NOT ensue, neither in classroom or at home.

Me: hey babe I want to learn how to craft a hemway in elder scrolls. Husband: what's that? Me: what? Husband: that thing you said. A Hemingway. Me: a hemway? Husband: yeah. That. Me: what about that? Husband: what is it? Me:................ Husband:............. Me: ABOUT THREE POUNDS! Husband stares in silence until the realization slowly comes across his eyes and we both explode in laughter.

Ya but I hit a monster hen weigh backing out of my driveway today.

/r/unclejokes

Also works with potfor.

What's a potfor? To cook in of course!

[deleted]

Similar to:

Me: Is it just me, or does this place smell like updog?

Them: What's up dog?

Me: Not much dog, you?

Reminds me of the "Hey is that updog?" joke.

And my favorite instance of it working: https://youtu.be/r3eaGx5Z3Q4

Got an updog?

I feel stupid, i don't get it

Ages ago on radio one in the UK, there was a DJ called Vernon Kay who had a joke similar to this that never worked. Then once he managed it and was so excited. http://youtu.be/lwecacPSHX0

I have in the past got my nephews with 'duck do'.

"Hey I'm going to a duck do later"

"What's a duck do"

"It quacks".

Fellow uncle. I love asking him what's it smell like under there, so he says "underwear" and I go all "What kind? Boxes or briefs?". Such a cool uncle thededicateddeist.

I occasionally pull something similar.

"I'm going to the shops to pick up some groceries. Oh, and I'm gonna get some zupdog. You want any?"

"What's zupdog?"

"Nothing much, bro. What's up with you?"

Smells like updog

When he gets older try the "Dikfore".

You do realise that he sees it coming and is just humouring his crazy uncle with the bad henweigh joke.

That joke smells like updog.

reminds me of the up dog clip from The Office...https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Z2mT6nE0dxU

Aw, I really like this one. My grandpa would have loved it. It sounds like the kind of dumb joke he would tell.

When he gets older, try the same thing with "dickfor". I've used this before calling someone a "dickfor" and then letting it play out with "If you don't know, I'm not going to tell you."

But do you have a hammerfor?

You're such a dad

This is your own version of rick rolling

Our family's version is 'buttfor'

Did you pack your buttfor?

What's a buttfor?

For pooping silly!

"Which one?"

"To whom do you refer, father?"

[deleted]

then throw him in a plastic bag and drive him to the ocean, crying hysterically the whole way

literally the funniest shit I've read all day

Haha just got my wife with this but said one of her friends said she did. She looked pissed because she thought a friend was taking crap about her.

Or "I heard that in a baseball related Sketch a guy talks like an owl."

"Who?"

"Exactly."

"I found out today that one of our relatives talks like an owl."
"Fuck off Dad it's not funny anymore"

Haha yeah then when you get there you can tie him to the radiator and violently rape his worthless body, strangle him to death with a washed up piece of rope or something and dump his lifeless, well-fucked corpse in the sea

This is actually fantastic hahah!!

I don't like your type of humor.

I don't believe in genetics this is very offensive

There better be holes in the bag or he wont be able to cry

The joke isn't supposed to get dark, be prepared for OP's wrath.

I just told this to my girlfriend and got the most sarcastic laugh ever. It's alright I still think it is awesome

okay.

so what?

I don't care.

You mean Uncle Phil?

Just to list a few.

at what point does that stop becoming a joke

You were so close to having my upvote. So close.

"I can't believe you've done this"

Really? Do tell ..

/r/unexpected

EVERYONE KNOWS ITS BUTTERS! ^{thats me!}

Another way that I think would actually elicit the desired response:

"I know someone who talks like an owl."

"Who?"

"You!"

"What the fuck? No I don't. What the hell are you talking about?

"See, because when I said someone talks like an owl, you said 'who.' Get it?"

"Don't talk to me. Ever."

It's no longer a matter of when I kill again... but hu.

OH GOD IT'S GENETIC

throws self in sea

directions unclear, son now dead

That joke went really wrong at the end.

Still works if they say, "Oh rly?"

lyte

You could try telling it like

"I found out today that one of our relatives talks like an owl."

"Who?"

"OH GOD IT'S GENETIC"

then throw him in a plastic bag and drive him to the ocean, crying hysterically the whole way

This s*it don't work, I just tried it on my wife.

"Fuck both of you."

How does Daughter 2 feel about being Daughter 2?

I also tried it:

"One of our relatives talks like an owl"

Daughter: That's silly. I want cheerios!

Omg same here....." what? Which one" whatever. ....nevermind

Just tried this on my brother.

Me: "Someone told me you sound like an owl"

Him: "What? I don't have a british accent"

"Wherefor?!"

Expecto nodessert

I don't normally actually laugh at comments. This one made me laugh, I can picture it.

Children are no fun :(

Similar experience here. Mine said, "No I don't."

shutup and eat your french fries

The name Hagrid is child abuse.

How old is your daughter? ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

No no. Its knock knock. Who's there. Cow's go. Cow's go who? No cow's go moo. Someone gave me 5 bucks for telling that once

Edit: Ayy, now I'm at like, 9 bucks for this joke. Thanks man.

Knock knock

Whos there I eat mop

I eat mop who

HAHAHHHAHAAHHAHA

Yes

"Owls who?"

"Well, not always. Some species don't. Barn owls screech and snowy owls sort of squeal-scream."

"...goddammit."

Holy shit idk why but this made me lose my shit

This will be saved for...family gatherings

Hey owl, how'd you get a fist?!

Me: Knock-knock

My dad: Come in

This is harder than I expected

alternately, my youngest brothers favorite as a kid

knock knock

who's there

who

who who?

what do you think you are? an owl?

I tried it on my wife. Her reply?

"Already saw that one on Reddit."

I can totally hear this conversation happening.

I just nailed this with my son. Much mirth.

I just woke my wife up, she said who laughed then said I can't believe you woke me up for that.

I just tried this on my wife.

me: 'One of My friends told me you talk like an owl all night.'

her: 'Oh .... Honey! .... that was all just talk ... no biggie'

me: 'wait what!'

her: 'woow look at the time, gotta go'

me: lost look

Nice, ron

This made me laugh. I got a "what" from my boyfriend. Godamnit.

She is your wife and she is the GREATEST good you are ever gonna get.

I tried it on my wife. She just said I was a dork and went to bed .

Says name of best friend, gets popcorn and waits.

Woman, where is my super suit?

and now you're sleeping on the couch, right?

It probably would have worked smoothly if you stuck to "someone" instead of improvising it to "one of your friends" and having it backfire.

NEWS FLASH: All these owl jokes blow chunks

Jesus H Christ, I think you have a HArD ON

Typical Jenny.

man your life is sad.

he's 2

GavvIsntSober 420 points 3 hours ago

Dat karma

Heard about the A minus

The only thing in the whole thread that made me laugh

lol

Ayy lmao

Op took your advice, son is now in rehab.

[deleted]

"What do you call tea with ice in it?" "Iced tea." "What do you call ink with ice in it?" "Iced ink."

We tried to get people with a series of lock-and-key jokes. Sexual subtext aside (we were kids, we didn't realize) it went something like this:

Jokester: what ever kind of lock I am, say you're that kind of key.

Victim: Okay.

J: I'm a red lock.

V: I'm a red key.

J: I'm a house lock.

v: I'm a house key.

And so it would go for a while. Eventually, you'd try one of a few variations to get them to say something embarrassing.

Jokester: I'm a mun/don/door lock.

Victim: I'm a monkey/donkey/dorky.

Then you laugh maniacally. It was stupid, but we were at the age when tricking someone made you supah smaht.