An unexpected issue occurred and the game has crashed. We're sorry for the inconvenience.

As you can see from the wide range of environment info I gave, I have no idea what's causing this. The game keeps giving me the critical error "An unexpected issue occurred and the game has crashed. We're sorry for the inconvenience." every time I try to launch it, despite completely reinstalling the launcher.

I've searched other reports of similar errors and none of them seem to apply to the current situation. I can't find any records or logs of the crash either.

[0721/000119:ERROR:LocalVersionProvider.cpp(127)] Version 1.8.3-M3L-0.1b doesn't have a json file.

[0721/000119:INFO:GameCallbacks.cpp(193)] launcher/launcher (main) info Process closed with exit code 1

[0721/000119:INFO:GameCallbacks.cpp(193)] launcher/launcher (main) info Error occurred during initialization of VM
java/lang/NoClassDefFoundError: java/lang/Object