Game Crash Message on Launch

I can't launch Minecraft. I've been working on this for hours. I've tried older versions, updating everything, moving and/or deleting minecraft tmp files. Uninstalling and reinstalling. Fixing errors. Using older versions of launcher. Watching youtube videos. reading forums. I'm just trying to hook my son up with minecraft online, I get this error message (pictured) and can't get past it. The "unexpected issue" message doesn't say much about how to fix it or what is causing it either. Help please!