Minecraft's Launcher gets stuck .04 MB from completion

My Minecraft Updater gets stuck .04 megabytes short of completion.

What I expected to happen was for Minecraft to start up just fine and let me play

What actually happened was Minecraft's Updater gets stuck.

Steps to Reproduce:
Open Minecraft. I'm serious. I have tried this on 5 different Mac computers. Same problem on all of them.