Minecraft has crashed and will not run

Put the summary of the bug you're having here

What I expected to happen was...:
The game would open and I would go on my merry way building and killing things

What actually happened was...:
The game crashed...after I went back and found a version that the launcher would actually successfully get launched. 1.7.10 in this case, anything more recent I get a fatal error before it can even open.

Steps to Reproduce:
Get on my computer, open the minecraft launcher 1.6.11 java version or non-java, click play, watch in despair as the game does not open.