Instant crash of my Minecraft 1.4.2 Client *Major*

This has been happening for months with multiple versions. Minecraft up to date, Java up to date.

What I expected to happen was... to be able to load my Minecraft.

What actually happened was... it crashed before the Mojang splash page even showed up (after logging in)

1. Open Minecraft.exe
2. Login (with or without updating)
3. Crash

*Included below are a copy of my minecraft.exe, error report, and .minecraft folder