Every time I open the Minecraft launcher, it will load for approximately 25 seconds, then notify me that the game/program has crashed.

Every time I open the Minecraft launcher, it will load for approximately 25 seconds, then notify me that the game/program has crashed.

What I expected to happen was...:
I expected the game to load normally like it does on both of my other computers.

What actually happened was...:
Again, it crashes every time.

Steps to Reproduce:
1. Put a step by step guide on how to trigger the bug here
2. Simply put, I load Minecraft, and it crashes.
3. ...