Crash on title screen

Upon entering into the game, regardless of version, the title screen will boot up normally. Then, after approximately 2 seconds, it freezes. I've tried restarting my computer, switching versions, even making new profiles. Nothing fixes it. I did find that my java was outdated, but, even after updating, it still won't work. Upon exiting, the launcher will tell me I crashed, but will not offer any kind of crash report. It's obnoxious.