Java failure in launcher as per attached log

Put the summary of the bug you're having here

What I expected to happen was...:
The launcher should have started the game. Attempted 1.8.9, 1.10 and 1.11. All fail.

What actually happened was...:
After hitting the Play button, the game failed to launch and the system gave the error and offered me a cupcake, and free hug. It has yet to deliver on either.

Steps to Reproduce:
1. Start launcher.
2. Authenticate
3. Hit Play button....
4. Fail to profit.

I usually play on 1.8.9 but in light of the error upgraded to 1.10 and attempted to launch with that version, but the same occurrence happened. I also completely upgraded the system to all waiting patches, but no change.

I had not played Minecraft for a number of weeks. This was my first time attempting to launch in over a month.